#sometimes 20 years of your personal horror history gets disturbed

[suzirya]

Having a Bad Time

[adulttrio-imagines]

can you do "K: What’s their Youtube suggestions look like? " and "Y: What movie could they watch over and over again? " for the Adult Trio? Please

I’m not really much of a movie person, so I just wrote what I think they would enjoy. Hopefully that’s fine with you, and thanks for waiting!

“K: What’s their Youtube suggestions look like? "

Hisoka

Hisoka’s suggestions would be a strange mix between a nineteen-year-old sorority girl and your average tween boy. Drama channels, Tea spill channels, makeup channels, splattered with decent helpings of prank videos or extreme stunts. What he watches depends greatly on his mood, sometimes he winds down to the latest beauty guru gossip with a wine glass in hand, maybe he’s searching for recommendations to update his make up collection, or he’s up at three am spiraling into a cycle of vicious prank videos. Occasionally, he watches rant channels just to feed off the negative energy as the person in the screen screams their heart out, he finds it oddly relaxing.

Chrollo

You can bet that Chrollo’s search history is filled with the strangest and most damning of things. With things ranging from the mass production of CDs to the usage of chalk to a brief historical guide to the middle ages, if it is a topic he has probably seen an in-depth video explaining it. He’s the type to go into the rabbit hole and emerge with the most random of facts, which he will then cross check with other references to ensure validity before reporting his findings to the Troupe members. I can also see him watching restoration videos of old art pieces, since he appreciates the educational value behind them, and uses it as a form of scouting and as a form of relaxation. As a guilty pleasure, he also watches unboxing videos although he isn’t entirely sure why he likes them either.

Illumi

If anything, Illumi is more of a deep web user since it provides more valuable information to him. When he does have the time to relax and watch videos, he tends to stick with the news, although he can really get into watching those disturbing artsy videos with no real intention besides making you feel creeped out. The more unnerving it is, the better. He is so removed from his emotions that anything that can make him feel anything just wins in his book. I see him being more of a podcast person, where he doesn’t need to look at the screen but can just listen to as he does his own thing in the background. It is not that he is particularly interested in the topic, but just likes the noise in the background.

"Y: What movie could they watch over and over again? "

Hisoka

While he isn’t particularly interested in movies, he does like cinemas for all the wrong reasons, it’s dark, decently crowded and you have to sit next to him, so there is always someone he can pester if there is no one else in immediate vicinity. He’s the type of guy who likes talking throughout movies and throw popcorn at the people sitting in front. If you both go for a highly anticipated film, he will read up on spoilers and ruin the movie for everyone as he reveals the plot as the movie goes along. If you both got placed near the very end, he will try to do indecent things with you and see how much you can both get away with before someone realizes you’re doing the nasty at the back.

As for his actual taste, he does like comedy, especially if it’s dark, but he can work with dry stuff too. A creative adventure movie and decent humor is a premise he would enjoy. He also likes trashy, over-the-top shows, and loves a big, all out family feud complete with food fights, partly because he never had a family and lives vicariously through those films. On a side note, he isn’t too impress with action shows with large explosions since he has lived through them and believes the directors are just trying too hard to make everything seem cool, but he will watch them if you want. In all honesty, he can watch just about anything as long as it keeps him entertain long enough.

Chrollo

Chrollo enjoys his books more than his movies, simply because it lets him absorb the information at his own pace and there isn’t some external force directing him through the scene. I see him being more of a documentary kind of guy, since it’s informative and the slower pace is something more up is alley. While he only started watching nature documentaries when he was younger for the soothing voices to lull him to sleep, he has since uncovered a whole different realm of educational videos. He has a strange fascination with murder mysteries or the supernatural and I can imagine him binge watching on a whole series for a day or two and repeating this cycle every couple of months.

If he does watches movies, he’s the type who likes to rewind and re-watch scenes multiple times, even if that scene happened 20 minutes ago. He also re-watches it a couple times before pausing to think, process it and ask for your opinion on it. I see him enjoying mystery films with hidden meanings and religious symbolisms. He likes gritty, dark shows with a nice dosing of angst and plenty of double-meanings, and if the movies are psychological dramas, even better. I imagine he’ll enjoy a premise similar to Dan Brown’s Angels and Demons. While it is not something he will necessary watch, something with a plot like that will keep him interested.

Illumi

Illumi’s interest walk a fine line. On one hand, he loves dark gothic art with beautiful cinematography and nice wide-angle shots overlooking a whole city bathed in moonlight. On the other, he is attracted to anything involving the aesthetically disturbing, and is also a big fan of body horror where he gets to see the changes done in real time. Seeing how he is willing to morph himself into grotesque shapes, I can see him enjoying movies that are willing to contort the human body into impossible forms. I would say the ideal movie for him is something bleak yet hauntingly beautiful, and progressively gets more and more disturbing as time goes on. If there is an additional martyr or sacrificial love sort of thing going on, he would appreciate it even more as long as it is not done too over the top.

When he was much younger and closer to all his siblings, he would occasionally bend to Killua’s whims and watch old animated action/adventure movies with him. He enjoyed the simplicity of the shows, but he enjoyed it more because it would make his brother so happy. Now those tapes are burned and he can barely remember any of the scenes but the songs stuck with him, which he catches himself humming softly on some nights.

[jtsodergren]

The Best of 2019

2019, what an exceptional year for movies! A great way to close out the shittiest decade! Here are the 50 best films I saw this year... click on the title to go to the IMDB page, and I’ll try to post a link to where you can see many of them. Also for the first time this year, I’m including MOM WARNINGS! My mom reads this list and sometimes actually watches these movies... so to save her some grief, sadness, or general concern for my psyche, there will be a NOT FOR MOMS!! warning where applicable... here we go!

50. STAR WARS - EPISODE IX: THE RISE OF SKYWALKER (Amazon)

People really hated this movie... I actually really liked it! Aside from the horses running around on the outside of spaceships (which makes no fucking sense... didn’t Leia get all space frozen exactly one movie ago??), it was a satisfying conclusion to a franchise I guess I don’t really care about as much as other people, so I was into it!

49. JOHN WICK: CHAPTER 3 - PARABELLUM (Amazon)

Quickly becoming one of the more well produced action franchises of all time. Probably two too many machine gun shootouts in this one for me (I get a little exhausted with gun violence), but the hand-to-hand stuff is brilliant and bloody and badass! Not to mention the deepening of the mythology and Halle Berry and her dogs. It’s a fun time, a welcome addition to the series, and I can’t wait for number 4.

48. QUEEN & SLIM (Amazon)

Billed as the black BONNIE AND CLYDE and from first time feature director Melina Matsoukas, this atmospheric tragedy is gorgeous to look at, delivers a pair of standout lead performances, and proves to have one of the more stressful final 30min of any of the films I saw this year, even if you know the inevitable conclusion is just around the corner.

47. UNDER THE SILVER LAKE (Amazon PRIME)

A wild Los Angeles noir story from the director of IT FOLLOWS. Plays like if David Lynch directed THE BIG LEBOWSKI, a weird, screwball whodunit. It’s a little long, and there are so many loose ends that seem to be thrown in just to fuck with the protagonist (and the audience), but it’s a really fun time and you’ll want to stay to the end to see it all play out. LA looks gorgeous too.

46. KNOCK DOWN THE HOUSE (Netflix)

Truly inspiring. Really shows how if you put your mind to something, believe in yourself and that you can make a difference, you can accomplish anything. Regardless of your political leanings, or how you feel about AOC personally, this is well worth your time and it has a great message for young people, especially those young women of color who might not think they can achieve great levels of success. It made me cry the happy tears.

45. LONG DAY’S JOURNEY INTO NIGHT (Amazon)

Best known for it’s remarkable 59min-3D final take, this hallucinatory journey through memory and dreams is mind-blowing and breathtaking. Hard not to leave this one feeling like you’ve been put though some kind of experiment that you don’t fully understand, but you’ll want to experience again. Highly recommended if you have access to 3D, or simply have some killer edibles and want to be thrown for a loop.

44. CLIMAX (Amazon PRIME)

NOT FOR MOMS!!

Speaking of being under the influence, holy shit is this film nuts! From Gaspar Noe, who if you’re aware of his work, you kind of already know what you’re in store for here. It’s been described as “FAME directed by the Marquis de Sade”... incredible dance sequences and audacious camerawork that slowly but surely devolves into hell. It’s a blast!

43. HAIL SATAN? (Hulu)

A fresh and funny documentary about a group of smartass Satanists exposing the hypocrisy amongst bible-thumping Christians who’d rather stomp their feet and be the loudest in the room than listen to anyone else’s perspective. Frustrating and entertaining in equal parts, this compulsively watchable film makes you want to scream at these Jesus freaks as much as you want to laugh along with the antics of these harmless, intelligent and organized troublemakers. An excellent time well spent.

42. FIRST LOVE (Amazon)

(Probably) NOT FOR MOMS!!

Director Takashi Miike’s yakuza action-comedy is the most accessible of his films I’ve seen (he’s now made more than 100 movies, which is insane), but that doesn’t mean it’s not a gonzo wild time at the movies. The violence is here in full force, but unlike AUDITION or ICHI THE KILLER, you don’t need a barf bag close by to enjoy it. It’s often hilarious and moves at a breakneck speed. Super fun!

41. THE DEAD DON’T DIE (Amazon PRIME)

Jim Jarmusch’s star-studded, droll zombie-comedy came and went from theaters without much fanfare, but provided me with plenty of laughs. It’s also the second of 3 Adam Driver vehicles to be on this year’s list. Bill Murray and Driver lead the way along with plenty familiar faces in cameos throughout (including the RZA in one of my favorite scene’s of the year). Classic Jarmusch... a meditation on death and mortality in his vintage style.

40. EL CAMINO: A BREAKING BAD MOVIE (Netflix)

Dude, Aaron Paul is a legit GREAT actor. Picks up right where the show left off, and I was on the edge of my seat and filled with anxiety just like I was during the best moments of the now classic series. It was good to hang out with my old friends again.

39. DOCTOR SLEEP (Amazon)

A box office flop due to poor promotion and a title people weren’t familiar with, this sequel to THE SHINING is based on the Stephen King book of the same name, which I read, and I can’t recommend it more. Great suspense, and fantastic performances from both Ewan McGregor and (especially) Rebecca Ferguson. It’s a dark and scary film that is a fun trip back to the Overlook Hotel... provided you wish to return there...

38. THE LAST BLACK MAN IN SAN FRANCISCO (Amazon PRIME)

About 90min into this beautifully shot film I was ready to lock it in as a possible Top 5 contender. Then the bottom fell out for me the last quarter of the movie and lost my confidence. No bother, it’s still wonderful enough to find a spot on the list and carry my recommendation. Young men and women watching their city change before their eyes, and wondering what the concept of “home” really means is a real challenge facing many people here in the Bay Area. This film does a fantastic job conveying that, for most of the film anyway. 

37. THE PEANUT BUTTER FALCON (Amazon)

A bonafide crown-pleaser of a movie, and another example of the true talent Shia LeBeouf has and is capable of (more on him later). A young man with Down Syndrome escapes his assisted-living facility to track down his wrestling idol the Saltwater Redneck with the help of an outlaw and a social worker. Sweet, funny, and heartfelt... a feel good surprise.

36. A BEAUTIFUL DAY IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD (Amazon)

I didn’t cry nearly as much as I did during the excellent documentary WON’T YOU BE MY NEIGHBOR from last year, but if you’re a Mr. Rogers fan, you’ll still shed a few during this heartwarming film. Tom Hanks does his thing, and even though this movie is guilty of borrowing a little too much from the previous doc, it’s still a great showcase for the truly selfless and beautiful force of nature that Fred Rogers was. Bring tissues anyway.

35. CARMINE STREET GUITARS (In Theaters Now)

A love letter to both New York City and the art, joy, and love that goes into honing and maintaining one’s craft. Meanwhile the looming doom of gentrification hovers over the proceedings, never letting you get fully enrapt in the sweetness that these artists (and their many famous customers) exude when talking about and playing their one-of-a-kind works of art. A stunning and lovely piece for musicians and talentless fans of music alike.

34. HOLIDAY (Amazon)

NOT FOR MOMS!!

A tough, cold film with nary a character to actively root for... until after about an hour of icy behavior comes (no pun intended) a scene so shocking in its graphic and disturbing nature, people left the theater without staying for the final resolution. First time director Isabella Eklof pulls off the bold and audacious maneuver, all while making it seem like she doesn’t care whether you like her characters (or her film) at all. It’s a very fine balancing act, executed to perfection. But be warned... it’s rough.

33. AVENGERS: ENDGAME (Disney+)

What can I say? You saw it. It’s good. A bunch of Supermans fly around and blow shit up. A satisfying end (until the next 20 films).

32. MIDSOMMAR (Amazon Prime)

NOT FOR MOMS!!

A disturbing slow burn of a gothic horror film. Characters do hallucinogens while ritualistic religious murders and tribal mating practices threaten to ruin everyones existence. Florence Pugh is phenomenal (more from her in a minute) in a very trying roll. Doesn’t pack quite the punch of the director’s last film, HEREDITARY, but it’s still well worth the watch. But yeah, it’s disturbing.

31. APOLLO 11 (Hulu)

A fascinating look at the first moon landing from rarely seen archival footage and audio. Seeing it on the IMAX screen was intense and exhilarating, unlike narrative pictures like the severely overrated FIRST MAN. This isn’t my favorite documentary of the year, but it is an absolute lock to win the Academy Award for Best Doc of 2019. It’s a must see, a must experience.

30. HIGH LIFE (Amazon PRIME)

NOT FOR MOMS!!

French auteur Claire Denis’ bizarre, erotic sci-fi mindfuck about isolation and humanity is not for everyone, but is a brilliant take on the genre, and is yet another showcase for Robert Pattinson, who is quietly becoming one of my favorite working actors. Juliette Binoche also is on fire here and has what one critic calls “the single greatest one-person sex scene in the history of cinema.” So it has that going for it.

29. TRIPLE FRONTIER (Netflix)

A fully loaded heist film with no real bad guy, but instead a group of recognizable badasses in a Netflix-released action thrill ride. There’s absolutely no reason this should’ve worked, or even been half as good as it is, but boy is it good! Compulsively watchable, and rewatchable. If this were on Showtime as much as DEN OF THIEVES is I’d have seen it 30 times by now. It’s one of the most pleasant surprises of the year.

28. 1917 (Amazon)

An unbelievable visual achievement from cinematographer Roger Deakins and director Sam Mendes. The story isn’t the greatest war story ever told (are there great war stories?), but it’s shot to look like one continuous long take, sustained for 2hrs. It’s really an unbelievable feat, but doesn’t come off as gimmicky or distracting. It’s intense, beautifully staged, and sad. A big screen spectacle. 

27. TOY STORY 4 (Amazon)

Woody and the gang are back, and the films continue to keep the dust from collecting. It’s still so much fun to hang out with this group of misfit toys. There was talk that after the incredible TOY STORY 3 this was just a money grab and was labeled unnecessary, but I found it to be a sweet, charming, and nostalgic trip I was glad I took.

26. HONEYLAND (Hulu)

My pick for documentary of the year comes from the mountains of Macedonia, where a woman named Hatidze lives with her dying mother making a living cultivating honey. When a family of shitheads moves into a shanty next door, what seems like a fix for her lonely existence becomes catastrophic as they disregard her teachings and threaten her livelihood. I was an emotional wreck throughout the experience and it goes without saying it’s a must-see. Gorgeous and heartbreaking.

25. LITTLE WOMEN (Amazon)

I have never read the book, nor seen any of the film adaptations, so I went in blind to this lovely film. Director Greta Gerwig follows up the phenomenal LADYBIRD with this Altman-esque rendition of the widely beloved literary classic. I found it exceptional in its execution and performances, including the previously mentioned Florence Pugh, who is a knockout. A wonderful addition to the ever-growing stable of Christmas films I look to enjoy during future Decembers.

24. GREENER GRASS (Hulu)

It’s as if Tim & Eric made BLUE VELVET. Bizarre, outrageous, gross, and a guaranteed future midnight movie favorite. My sides hurt. A satire skewering upper-middle class suburban soccer moms and dads alike. Babies are given away. A boy turns into a dog. Everyone has braces. There’s a creep on the loose. It’s wild and flat-out hilarious literally from start to finish. Almost too many jokes to keep up with. Watch it! Bring weed. 

23. RELAXER (Amazon)

NOT FOR MOMS!!

Speaking of gross, this film is disgusting, but in a good way. A satire about lazy consumerism and self-destruction. It’s a short hang, thankfully, but if you can stomach it to the end (remember, it’s nasty) you’ll be rewarded with not only a hilarious dark comedy, but also an unexpected haymaker of sadness you didn’t see coming. It’s a pretty impressive feat, and an overall success. But, yeah, it’s fucking gross. 

22. AD ASTRA (Amazon)

APOCALYPSE NOW in space starring Brad Pitt. If you need more information than that, I don’t really know what else to do for you. 

21. SLUT IN A GOOD WAY (Amazon PRIME)

(Probably) NOT FOR MOMS!!

A black-and-white raunchy French arthouse teen comedy that gives a middle finger to the double standard set by the equally raunchy teen-boys-will-be-boys genre. It’s so much fun, and honest, and the actors are such natural talents you forget the subject matter is at times shocking (only because of said double standard) and just go with it. I think it’s just wonderful. Seek it out!

20. US (HBO)

Jordan Peele’s excellent follow-up to GET OUT. Doppelganger home invasion terror with a killer twist. To describe more would be to risk giving something away. I’ll just say that Lupita Nyong’o is my pick to win her second Oscar, this time as Best Actress, here in a dual role. She’s incredible. If you haven’t seen it, try to go in blind, you’ll be rewarded.

19. THE FAREWELL (Amazon PRIME)

A heartfelt homecoming film about family, culture, and how the things we don’t say can be just as strong of a show of love as the things we do say. It’s sweet, tender, and bursting with personal flare and emotions from director Lulu Wang. Awkwafina also curbs her more manic and loud tendencies as a performer for more quiet, thoughtful, and somber choices. She’s phenomenal. 

18. KNIVES OUT (Amazon)

A clever ensemble whodunit that’s just as funny and smart as it is mysterious. Everyone across the board delivers as the assorted motley crew. The film rewards repeat viewings and Daniel Craig knocks it out of the park, stealing every scene he’s in, reminding us all what a fantastic actor he can be when he’s not sipping the Vespers. 

17. BOOKSMART (Hulu)

The female SUPERBAD is the elevator pitch, but this coming-of-age gem is really unlike any other example in the genre. They’re privileged, uber-smart, and have never partied. Yet they have the same neuroses as any other teen scared to death of what to do next or how to be normal. It’s also fucking hilarious. You wanna hang out with these girls and at the same time bury your head under the covers because you feel their pure terror/embarrassment. It’s a blast.

16. THE MUSTANG (Amazon)

Starring Matthias Schoenaerts, one of the finest actor’s working today, this understated and emotional drama about rehabilitation and redemption floored me upon first viewing. It is a gorgeous film. You’ve probably seen stories similar to this before, but rarely is one told with such compelling conviction. A borderline masterpiece. 

15. HONEY BOY (Amazon PRIME)

Remember a few years back we had the McConaissance, where everything Matthew McConaughey did was solid gold after years of middling bullshit? I’m calling it right now: Shia LaBeouf is about to have the same thing. He wrote the script and plays a version of his own father in a brutal version of his own fucked up childhood as an up-and-coming child actor. It’s heartbreaking and absolutely riveting. I’m hoping he gets an Oscar nod, but regardless I implore you to seek this film out, he’s incredible. 

14. MONOS (Hulu)

(Probably) NOT FOR MOMS!!

A bizarre, bewildering, chaotic, and unsettling film. Some of the most beautiful photography I saw on the big screen this year, yet some of the most surreal and disturbing imagery as well. It’s a militarized, Latin American LORD OF THE FLIES with commentary on tribal behavior and violence. It can be a tough sit, but boy is it beautiful. 

13. DOLEMITE IS MY NAME (Netflix)

What a wonderful, welcome surprise! Eddie Murphy in an awards caliber performance as Rudy Ray Moore, the multi-hyphenate performer who created the alter ego Dolemite, spawning a film franchise and many legendary comedy albums. It’s obviously hilarious, and a great behind-the-scenes biopic, but also shockingly sweet and heartfelt, even between all the cuss words. I even teared up a couple times. The 3rd best thing Netflix released this year (more on that in a minute).

12. JOKER (Amazon)

You already saw this.

11. THE IRISHMAN (Netflix)

It’s far too long. It could’ve done with being cut as a three part miniseries or special. There’s about 45min worth of scenes that are quintessential DVD bonus features (I’m looking at you Action Bronson), but goddamn if it’s not Scorsese doing his Scorsese thing. It’s a gangster film, but it’s also a meditation on aging and death. Pesci is incredible and Pacino steals the show. Sure, the de-aging thing is distracting, the curb stomping scene is embarrassing. But still, I mean... IT’S MARTIN SCORSESE!

10. PAIN AND GLORY (Amazon)

Pedro Almodovar’s most personal work to date, a tale about making art and the loneliness of love. If you are unfamiliar with his work, this is a great jumping off point. His movies can be challenging and dark, but this film has such joy and hope amongst the heartache. The final reveal, while not earth shattering on paper, is nonetheless so moving it left the screening I attended without a dry eye in the place. It is his best film yet. 

9. THE LIGHTHOUSE (Amazon)

From the director of THE WITCH comes another type of gothic horror, this time with the legendary Willem Dafoe and the (already mentioned) brilliant Robert Pattinson marooned on a lighthouse rock alone to drive each other completely insane. It’s hallucinatory, violent, disorienting, and flat-out brilliant. If it weren’t for another guy we’ll get to in a minute, Dafoe would be a lock for Best Supporting Actor here. It’s a slightly challenging film, with the period style mariner dialogue, but it’s just as funny as it is terrifying.

8. JOJO RABBIT (Amazon)

A beautiful, touching, funny, crowd-pleasing comedy about a little Nazi whose imaginary friend is Hitler. Yep, your read that correctly. There are about a million reasons this should absolutely not work. Yet, it’s one of the best theater going experiences I had this year. A must see... ESPECIALLY with Mom!

7. MARRIAGE STORY (Netflix)

The best written and acted film of the year, and the third Adam Driver vehicle to appear here. Sad but honest. Touching but brutal. It’s awkward and a bit of a bummer, but there’s such great work being done here, in front of and behind the camera. Noah Baumbach is a force of nature, and has yet to make a film I was even iffy about. He’s the real deal and this might be his masterpiece. 

6. WAVES (Amazon)

Speaking of auteurs, Trey Edward Shults is now 3/3 on features after the brilliant KRISHA and IT COMES AT NIGHT. Here he follows a middle-class black family, led by a domineering father, through a tragic moment in all of their lives. The first half deals with the son’s story, then abruptly switches to the daughter’s life post said event. It shouldn’t work, yet somehow manages to be one of the most emotionally affecting pieces of art I saw this year. The camera never stops moving, constantly swirling and whirling and you can’t help to be sucked up into it. It’s a beautiful tragedy.

5. LONG SHOT (HBO)

The biggest and most pleasant surprise of the year. An opposites-attract rom-com with more brains, bite, social commentary, and laughs than it has any right to have. Easily the most fun you’ll have with (almost) the whole family... there’s a lot of cum jokes. But don’t let the vulgarity dissuade you! It’s a total riot with just the right amount of sweetness to balance out the saltiness. I love love love this movie.

4. THE ART OF SELF-DEFENSE (Hulu)

What starts as a strange, dark comedy morphs into a FIGHT CLUB-esque thriller with allusions to disturbingly toxic masculinity and an offbeat take on what it takes to “be a man.” It is laugh-out-loud hilarious, and expertly made, while really having something to say, and it says it in a way I’ve never really seen before. It’s not surprising this didn’t get more attention, the characters are truly difficult to relate to, let alone root for, but as far as originality goes, you’d be hard pressed to find anything this year much better than this. 

3. UNCUT GEMS (Amazon)

(Probably) NOT FOR MOMS!!

The cinematic equivalent of being locked in the brain of a lunatic having a cocaine-fueled anxiety attack. If that sounds like fun (AND IT IS!!!) then this is the film for you! Oh, and Adam Sandler is going to be nominated for an Oscar for Best Actor. For real. It’s a chaotic, stress-filled masterpiece.

2. ONCE UPON A TIME... IN HOLLYWOOD (Amazon)

My favorite filmmaker’s 2nd best film. A personal story about the love of film during the late 60s, a time of dirty hippies and Charles Manson, as well as the passing of the torch from old Hollywood to the “golden age” of cinema. It’s a fairytale of sorts, with Tarantino’s trademark flare for spontaneous violence and mining multiple genres to make his most mature work since PULP FICTION. I’ve been rewarded with new takeaways upon each subsequent viewing, and my love and appreciation for it only grows and grows. Brad Pitt is a lock for Best Supporting Actor, he’s magnificent. It was always going to be my #1 with a bullet no matter what, because it’s just that great...

1. PARASITE (Amazon)

...but then Bong Joon-ho, the master of new Korean cinema unleashed PARASITE. Not only is it the best film of 2019, it’s one of the best films I have ever seen. Like EVER ever. He is in such astonishing control of his craft it’s hard not to sit back and marvel and the sheer skill on display. You can be laughing one moment and then recoiling in horror during the same breath. He’s using multiple genre tropes, incredible set design, pitch perfect acting/writing, and such exquisite planning you can’t possibly know what’s in store for you from one scene to the next. It is an absolute masterpiece and if it doesn’t sweep every category it’s nominated for at this year’s Oscars, it’ll be a travesty. If you have even a passing interest in film as an art form, the power it can wield, and the messages it can convey, you owe it to yourself to see this film. It’s perfect.

Well, there it is. Thanks for reading any part of this. Now go see PARASITE. I love you.

[squeeprojectsllc]

On participating in creator/fan relationships in real time: Joe Bob Briggs Last Drive-In Marathon.

Long time beloved late night genre movie host, Joe Bob Briggs returned to streaming TV via Shudder for the first time in 17 years.

 I’m an OG fan of his earlier shows Drive-In Theater and Monstervision as well as his books Joe Bob Goes to the Drive In and Joe Bob Goes Back to the Drive In and Profoundly Disturbing: Shocking Movies that Changed History  They are all wonderful but parts of Profoundly Disturbing stick with me to this day and whenever I stay at a hotel which is fairly regular with my comic con schedule, I change the Do Not Disturb signs with a sharpie as an homage to his work. 

When I heard the news that he’d return for a 24 hour+ one time streaming marathon screening of 13 horror films I went into full on #FangirlFlail mode. I could see on twitter other fans were beyond excited, too.

There were awesome new shirts from Fright Rags and I bought one immediately.  It got here the day of the NiteHawk event he was hosting so like the dork I am, I wore it to meet him. That’’s the thing about fandom, sometimes you can’t keep your cool. You just need to fully embrace your passion even when you feel embarrassed by it. #fangirlshame #fighttheshame

We'd made casual arrangements for me to interview him. Although I didn't get the opportunity for the interview, I did get to hang out with him and the Shudder team for a snack and to discuss the upcoming marathon, the industry and horror films with them. I won't lie, that was freaking amazing. 

 The Shudder team was super excited about the opportunity to bring Joe Bob back to TV. I interviewed Shudder Curator, Sam Zimmerman about the upcoming event.

That video can be seen at https://youtu.be/tz_JKuyi2Bg

As the fans geared up for the marathon we shared our squee on social media platforms; and made plans to collectively gather on twitter, facebook, slack channel. (which I will never figure out), twitch and other platforms. Many of us posted videos and photos of how we’d be watching. 

I made a vlog post about how I’d be watching https://www.instagram.com/p/BlMSxr_HxhZ/?taken-by=squeefilmmaker

Joe Bob had written n his regular column in TakiMag about what he called “The Loneliness of the Cord Cutter” Published a few days before the event.

“What we do there is we experience the movie as a group and then we discuss the movie as equals because we’ve all had the same emotional experience. I suppose, if we asked Camille Paglia or some other academic, they would tell us it’s some form of pagan worship.No one ever talks about this. If you ask the specialty theater managers, they’ll tell you about the brilliance of the 35-millimeter film image (true), the awesomeness of the sound system (true), or the various ways the film has been reconstructed, preserved, enhanced, or changed by the director. None of these things matter. What’s essential is the crowd—and it doesn’t matter whether it’s five people or five thousand. What matters is the agreement that “We will tell each other stories and we will feel that rush of knowing who we are and where we are and why we are here.”

Please read the full article here so the writers get paid fairly. They deserve it.

http://takimag.com/article/the_loneliness_of_the_cord_cutter_joe_bob_briggs/print#ixzz5LqJZV9kW

Then the internet failed us. Most of us  couldn't access the stream on any of our  devices. Fans posted various responses on social media. We were frustrated but we were here for Joe Bob and Shudder was doing their best to try to make it work.  Fans posted funny tweets abut it. Fans rooted for Joe Bob and Shudder. We weren't  going anywhere.

Fans started joking that Joe Bob Briggs broke the internet. We were kind of thrilled. The hashtag started trending. Now from a fan’s perspective this was wonderful. We weren't happy that we were missing the event we’d been longing for since #Monstervision got cancelled but there was tribal joy spreading.

I think that we felt that we were alone in our passion for Joe Bob and his work.

Then we discovered we were legion. Yes, we are the weirdos, mister. The Drive-in Mutants, the Monster Kids, the horror geeks. This was one of the best examples of a community of fans who didn't even know we existed coming together that I’ve ever experienced. And I’m multi-fandemic, participating in dozens of fandoms and this response was outstanding,

One of my twitter friends got access to it somewhere in the midst of Sleepaway Camp and offered to share it via Skype with me. Another fan got it going and shared the stream on Twitch with many fans. He was given a 24 hour ban from Twitch but became a hero to the other fans.

“One fan, known only as Cthlhu on Twitter, saw fit to help out the horror community as best he could by broadcasting the highly sought-out special on his Twitch stream. As a result, many fans were able to see the broadcast they’d been waiting for since the year 2000. Twitch, however, didn’t find the solution particularly heartwarming, as they suspended the user for 24 hours. Cthlhu didn’t seem to mind. (Please read the full article below so the writers get paid fairly)

https://www.inquisitr.com/4986333/horror-icon-joe-bob-briggs-comes-to-defense-of-fan-on-twitter-after-overwhelming-shudder-premiere/

I finally got the stream up on my laptop  around 1 am and watched till about 5 am and it was everything I’d hoped for. By the time I got up the next day, Shudder had posted all the films that had aired up that point on their site separately so we could all catch up.

Then the man himself posted in his column 

“You don’t write, perform, shoot, edit and broadcast a 24-hour show and then feel good about nobody being able to see it. You start out with a fear of disappointing the audience—I have the greatest fans in the universe, and I love them, and they’ve saved my ass a thousand times, and so preventing them from seeing the opening title card is sort of my ultimate nightmare.” Please read the full article so the writer gets paid fairly by using the link below.  http://takimag.com/article/breaking_the_internet_joe_bob_briggs/print#ixzz5LqLVQ1hh

“But, Joe Bob, people will eventually see it, the important thing is that you broke the Internet.”

“If that’s the important thing, it shouldn’t be the important thing. Not everyone can hang around for two days monitoring their devices. The casually interested observer, who might have been barely intrigued enough to sample the show, was gone after 15 minutes and never came back. “Breaking the Internet” is not a happy thing for those of us who believe communication is better than gossip.”

Please read the full article by using the link so the writer gets paid fairly

http://takimag.com/article/breaking_the_internet_joe_bob_briggs/print#ixzz5LqL7ZT3Q

I absolutely understand Joe Bob’s disappointment. Any creator wants their hard work to be enjoyed, appreciated and successful. As a filmmaker and someone who’s worked in media for over 20 years, I get it. It was rough. On a much much smaller scale of course I’ve had panic attacks as I watched the tech person struggle to get my film screening during a panel. It’s an awful feeling.

But as a professional fan, it was an absolutely amazing experience. Now I know dozens of other weirdos that are just like me and I bet if Joe Bob wants to return to do any kind  of short or long term hosting, we’ll all be there with him.

Update: Announced only moments after I posted this! 

Now recite The Drive-In Oath along with the rest of us Mutants.

[bishreview]

Top 20 Films of the Year

I think it’s about time I did something about films so here’s my list for the top 20 movies. This year has seen a rise in quality superhero films, some strong horror flicks, but I’ve felt genres like comedies and science fiction have really dropped. This list will include films that were released to Australian audiences in 2017 but will miss the Oscar nominated ones at the start of the year because they were classified as 2016 still. Enjoy.

20. Spider Man: Homecoming

Superhero films really did well this year, with Spider Man’s first lead film in the MCU a pleasure to watch from start to finish. Focusing on the high school aspect rather than the superhero aspect (like all previous movies of the hero have done), Holland brings the role to new levels of excitement, humour and reliability, making this maybe the best film incarnation of the hero.

19. Split

Split is a different sort of film. It’s a super-villain film, disguised as a psychological thriller, disguised as a horror. James McAvoy’s role as the character Kevin, a person who has multiple personalities, is incredible as he switches between different personalities, with their own characteristics, with ease.  M. Night Shyamalan looks like he’s making a comeback, and it’s exciting to watch.

18. Raw

Have you ever watched a film so gross but so engaging that you can’t look away even though you’re disgusted by what you’re watching? Because that’s Raw. Julia Ducournau’s unique film about cannibalism is incredibly unique and brilliant, whilst also being one of the hardest to watch films I’ve ever seen. Big warning to those with weak stomachs.

17. Star Wars: Episode VIII - The Last Jedi

The Last Jedi will probably go down as the most decisive Star Wars film ever. Disney have made it clear that they are avoiding canon in their trilogy, turning away from the comics and focusing on the films. With The Last Jedi they took it further, taking risks throughout the whole movie. In doing so, they made the most unique Star Wars film yet, and maybe the strongest since the original trilogy, focusing on the balance of the force instead of the usual ‘good vs. evil’.

16. John Wick: Chapter Two

John Wick is such a brilliantly written character. Although the second instalment in the hit-man, revenge franchise looks more into his past and the organisation he was a part of, we still know little about the ‘Boogeyman’. Keeanu Reeves is brilliant as the titular character and Derek Kolstad has again written another amazing story, creating one of the most interesting and unique cinematic universes.

15. A Ghost Story

There are some movies which capture your imagination and place you in a story that you can escape in. A Ghost Story is a different story. It’s heartbreaking but makes you feel warm. Casey Affleck and Rooney Mara are brilliant as the two leads, holding a chemistry which is hard to create so naturally. Although it’s slow at times, there is a certain beauty throughout the movie, drawing you into the love story even at it’s slowest moments

14. Logan Lucky

Logan Lucky is a really fun film. With a great cast including Adam Driver, Channing Tatum, Riley Keough, and Daniel Craig, the heist film is an entertaining watch. Although heist films sometimes feel cliched, Logan Lucky utilises the American car racing competition NASCAR as its setting, allowing the film to explore a different range of characters, making it one of the most intriguing heist movies in years.

13. Wonder Woman

The DCEU is getting really hard to watch. Justic League, released late this year, was more of the same average flicks which has plagued the franchise since Man of Steel. Before that though was Wonder Woman, the cinematic universe’s saving grace. Gal Gadot is incredible as the iconic superhero, carrying the movie all the way through with her engaging performance. Mid-way through the year I stated this film was the saving grace of the franchise, and that could never be more true now.

12. The Big Sick

Rom-com’s have never really been my thing. I often feel their stories have been done over and over again and that the genre doesn’t try to be do anything different. The Big Sick though is a story which hasn’t even been attempted by the industry yet, a movie about religious and cultural traditions and progressing forward with them. Kumail Nanjiani explores his real life story in such a tongue in cheek way that you can’t help but love the story and the characters.

11. The Lost City of Z

I was remembering this film the other day (I’ve only watched it twice) and the feelings I got from it still gives me the chills. The exploration of the jungle in James Gray’s film about real life explorer Percy Fawcett is gorgeous. It’s a slow burning movie that depicts Fawcett’s addiction to the Amazon rainforest in such a mesmerising way that you often forget that he’s searching for gold, rather just wanting to live in the Amazon. Charlie Hunman is brilliant as the lead and it’s a movie that will stick in your mind for a long time.

10. Thor: Ragnarok

2017 was a great year for the MCU, and Thor: Ragnarok was the shining light. Although the previous Thor films have been some of the more weaker entries in the franchise, Ragnarok was able to give the titular character his best story yet, combining the comic with the Planet Hulk storyline. With incredible performances by Chris Hemsworth, Cate Blanchett, Mark Ruffalo, Tom Hiddleston, Tessa Thompson and Jeff Goldblum, NZ director Taika Waititi created the best and most fun Thor that has ever hit the big screen.

9. The Beguilded

The Beguilded was a strange watch. Based on the 1971 novel of the same name, the film explores lust, forbidden love, obsession, fear and hate in a stable manner, balancing these themes effortlessly. Sofia Coppola has deservedly won awards for this film and will hopefully be nominated for a few more after being snubbed at the Golden Globes.

8. Silence

If I were to pick a film that I have seen this year that still disturbs me it would be Silence. Set in 17th century Japan, during the Tokugawa shogunate, Silence follows two Christian priests (Adam Driver and Andrew Garfield) trying to track down their mentor (Liam Neeson) whilst continuing to spread their outlawed religion. The movie is very graphic and doesn’t hold back on the Crucifixion techniques that were implemented during this period. Garfield also delivers the performance of his career, pulling you in emotionally to his character’s experience. 

7. War On The Planet of the Apes

It was always going to be hard to complete the Apes trilogy, as the first two films of the franchise were both amazing. War though is best of the three. An incredibly emotional experience as we watch Caesar and his fellow apes fight for survival against humans. Andy Serkis is again incredible as Caesar, continuing to prove that he’s the best actor in a motion capture suit.

6. Logan

Superhero movies were truly a shining light in 2017. The fourth comic book movie on this list (and the highest), Logan (based on Old Man Logan comic) is an incredible experience. Allowing the movie to have a restricted rating was a risk but it paid of as it allowed the character to be at his brutal best. Hugh Jackman will always be Wolverine and Logan was a perfect way to send off nearly two decades of the character on the big screen.

5. A Monster Calls

A Monster Calls (can also be called How to Tear Someone’s Heart Out) is the saddest film of the year. It hits you deep in the feels, ensuring the audience cries their eyes out by the end of the film. Lewis MacDougall is incredible as the lead, and the supporting cast are brilliant, especially Liam Neeson as the voice of The Monster. The film blends a heartbreaking story about cancer with a beautiful fantasy world, utilising water-colour animations to bring the audience into the imaginary world. 

4. T2: Trainspotting

T2 has been a long time coming. A sequel to the incredible original (Trainspotting) has been rumoured for a while, and Danny Boyle has finally delivered two decades on. Bringing back the beloved Scottish gang, led by Ewan McGregor, T2 doesn’t hold back on themes of getting old, reminiscing on youth, and trying to make up for the mistakes of youth. With all four of the characters being on a path which joins them back together, fans of the original will feel blessed with this sequel, whilst new fans will straight away connect with their stories. 

3. The Disaster Artist

The Disaster Artist is a perfect homage to the greatest film of all time, The Room. Delving into the creation of the aforementioned masterpiece, The Disaster Artist is about more than having a laugh at the people who were involved in making it. Instead it allows a sympathetic view on the desire to be an actor, to create film as an art form. Both Tommy Wiseau and Greg Sestero are respectfully portrayed by the Franco brothers, allowing a look into the hardships they faced during the making of The Room. It’s a fantastic story, both hilarious and relatable, and could be the Franco brothers best performances.

2. Dunkirk

I’ve always felt like Christopher Nolan has an obsession with outdoing himself every movie. After the epic (albeit flawed epic) which was Interstellar, it looked like he was going to stick on the sci-fi route which had dominated so many of his previous films. Instead he made Dunkirk a history piece about the Allies biggest failure in World War II, the loss of France. The film is tiring to watch, moving slowly and feeling like it’s in a constant route, as every small victory is followed by the plan going wrong. Fionn Whitehead is terrific in his debut mainstream role, and Kenneth Branagh, Mark Rylance, Tom Hardy and Harry Styles also bring in strong performances, suggesting that Dunkirk may be Nolan’s best work.

1. Get Out

I watched Get Out again last night and it still hits me the same way as it did the first time I watched it. Jordan Peele’s directorial debut is incredible. The comedian jumps into a genre unfamiliar to him, in a horror/thriller, and he delivers. Get Out is a unsettling film, raising issues of racism (and anti-racism) without making it overbearing. Daniel Kaluuya is incredible as the lead and will hopefully get rewarded during award season, and the supporting cast of the film (notably Lakeith Stanfield and Betty Gabriel) help create a chilling atmosphere throughout the whole film. The twist ending also may be one of the most impactful non-events in film history, with the expectation of what is going to happen making more of a statement than what actually happens (it will make more sense once you see it). Get Out is an incredible film, close to the best for this decade so far, and my number one film for 2017.

That’s my film list. It came out later than I wanted it to but I’ve just been hammered with work at the moment. I’ve completed the Top 50 Singles of 2017 list and that will be released tomorrow so stay tuned for that. Thanks for the support and hopefully you’ve enjoyed this list.

[unbeast]

Cute Tags

I was tagged by @cafedetude​, keep em comin, these are fun xx

1: when you have cereal, do you have more milk than cereal or more cereal than milk? more cereal; use just enough milk for the cereal to soak up

2: do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day? no!

3: what random objects do you use to bookmark your books? usually receipts, sometimes postcards/birthday cards in envelopes

4: how do you take your coffee/tea? tea: only if I’m sick and just with honey coffee: I just like iced capps

5: are you self-conscious of your smile? sometimes, if I overthink it. The left side around my mouth isn’t as mobile so it looks stiff and awkward, and also there are these two veins or something on either side of my face that move towards my eyes when I smile and it looks very disturbing

6: do you keep plants? oh shit I forgot I have one, haven’t watered that thing in about 3 weeks

7: do you name your plants? no, sorry “that thing”

8: what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings? drama

9: do you like singing/humming to yourself? I don’t like to sing because it hurts my ears when I do, but I like to dramatically deliver song lyrics. Humming usually leads to me getting too riled up so I often steer clear of that

10: do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach? side!

11: what’s an inner joke you have with your friends? The first one that comes to mind is “Sarahhhh” aka the reenactment of Max not knowing what to do when his kayak is sinking

12: what’s your favorite planet? venus, baby

13: what’s something that made you smile today? a scene in the final episode of Stranger Things 2 that I can’t mention now because it’s still too soon

14: if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like? semi-bohemian, cozy, clean

15: go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is! “Saturn is the only planet in the solar system that would float on water”

16: what’s your favorite pasta dish? homemade lasagna

17: what color do you really want to dye your hair? blue

18: tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up. the time I gifted tampons with christmas jokes attached to the strings 

19: do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw/ in it? Yes, there’s your classic recap, poems, dumb questions, favorites lists, to-read/watch lists, semi-collages

20: what’s your favorite eye color?  “The kind of green that doesn't make a big deal about itself” which has... ugh okay for years now, this description of Sam’s eyes from Perks, it just. You know what eyes he’s talking about 

21: talk about your favorite bag, the one that’s been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces. my topshop bag. It’s the first thing I purchased from topshop, and it ignited my addiction to the brand

22: are you a morning person? yes, metaphysically(?) (lol) I like doing things in the morning because time seems slower and I feel more productive and energized. Waking up’s the challenge tho

23: what’s your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations? swingset

24: is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets? no

25: what’s the weirdest place you’ve ever broken into? is this a common thing people do??

26: what are the shoes you’ve had for forever and wear with every single outfit? ehhhh I’m not too fond of any one of my shoes right now but grade 10 through 11 I was overly attached to one pair of indoor soccer shoes that I used as everyday sneakers

27: what’s your favorite bubblegum flavor? bubblegum

28: sunrise or sunset? sunrise

29: what’s something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing? their laugh!! Makes me so happy, can’t help but laugh along

30: think of it: have you ever been truly scared? proximity to wasps, walking across a valley on a rusty pipe with low guardrails

31: what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks. love socks!! I have to sleep with socks because I get cold at night and if my skin is exposed, I get sick. I like comfortable, just-below-ankle-length athletic socks, would like to invest in some that I could wear my vans with w/o the socks showing because otherwise, socks makes my calves look bulbous when I wear skirts/dresses/shorts

32: tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends. we had a really deep talk and sappy declarations of friendship

33: what’s your fave pastry? AHH! STAHHP, I could’ve dropped my ______

34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it? Lami! A sweet little lamb I got from the dollar store when I first moved to Canada, very precious and dear to me. Carried her to school until grade four because I was scared there’d be a fire at my house and she’d die. I still keep her, of course!!

35: do you like stationary and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often? yes, love stationary n pens! But never buy because, money. :/

36: which band’s sound would fit your mood right now? tame impala

37: do you like keeping your room messy or clean? it’s so, so messy. I hate it! I like things clean but I just never have time to sort through it and it piles up and :( I’m disgusting

38: tell us about your pet peeves! when, in the winter, you have a scarf wrapped around your neck and then the wind keeps blowing it behind your shoulder so it’s softly choking you 

39: what color do you wear the most? black 

40: think of a piece of jewelry you own: what’s it’s story? does it have any meaning to you? I have a troy bolton necklace that I believe Joyce got me for my birthday in, I want to say grade four or five. It’s perfect

41: what’s the last book you remember really, really loving? Ender’s Game

42: do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it! Tim Hortons near the mall, makes the best hashbrowns and the iced capps are perfect balance of coffee and milk and ice, just A+

43: who was the last person you gazed at the stars with? my roommate, on our walk home

44: when was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything? on the skytrain, moments before I looked through an open apartment window and saw a naked girl flopping down onto a mattress, followed by a nude man jumping ontop of her like a flying squirrel. The illusion was shattered (yes, this actually happened and it was a lot to process)

45: do you trust your instincts a lot? no !!!! never ever ever

46: tell us the worst pun you can think of. I was wondering why the baseball kept coming closer and closer, and then it hit me!

47: what food do you think should be banned from the universe? This spinach dish my mum makes with an egg on top? It’s slimy, and it’s a no from me

48: what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today? I was scared of fish up until age 5 I believe, my grandma used to cut out paper fishies and flush them down the toilet to try and help me get over that fear. Now its probably... oof I can’t think of any atm but there’s soooo many

49: do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought? yes, I most recently purchased an After Laughter cd and cassette, I’m stoked

50: what’s an odd thing you collect? journals that I never use

51: think of a person. what song do you associate with them? I associate the twinkling at the beginning of Fleetwood Mac’s “Everywhere” with Shalla

52: what are your favorite memes of the year so far? homeboy can like... get it, me talking about myself vs me talking about ______, there’s LOTS but I just can’t remember :’(

53: have you ever watched the rocky horror picture show? heathers? beetlejuice? pulp fiction? what do you think of them? I’ve seen all! 

RHPS: I’m “eh” towards the movie itself but the atmosphere of seeing it in a theatre is the best fucking experience!!! This weekend I went to a shadowcast for Halloween second year in a row, thinking of making it annual :)

Heathers: can quote it start to finish as though it were a favorite song, love this movie

beetlejuice: it’s good, Winona Ryder is such a gem, and the scene with the banana boat song is cinematic gold

pulp fiction: it’s good, not a favorite but I can appreciate it

54: who’s the last person you saw with a true look of sadness on their face? can’t think of anyone rn

55: what’s the most dramatic thing you’ve ever done to prove a point? everything I do is dramatic, every point I’ve made has been made dramatically 

56: what are some things you find endearing in people? genuine, genuine, genuine

57: go listen to bohemian rhapsody. how did it make you feel? did you dramatically reenact the lyrics? made me feel loosey goosey, and yes 

58: who’s the wine mom and who’s the vodka aunt in your group of friends? why? hi yes this is vodka aunt speaking, I like vodka. Wine mom is no one because wine tastes horrible 

59: what’s your favorite myth? I’ve never looked into myths, but Medusa just sounds like a riot

60: do you like poetry? what are some of your faves? yes, poetry is nice, but it’s rare I find ones I really am a fan of

I like listening to T.S. Elliot read his four quartets and "Pins and Needles" by Dua Saleh

61: what’s the stupidest gift you’ve ever given? the stupidest one you’ve ever received? given: a tween magazine that I decorated with obscene language that ended up being secret-santaed to my theatre director. Received? Probably a shirt with a picture of a random blonde girl saying “nevermind” from my mom (sorry mom)

62: do you drink juice in the morning? which kind? if I need refreshing wake up call, I’ll drink OJ

63: are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organized or kinda leave them be? My bookshelf is organized by favorites, idc about my music

64: what color is the sky where you are right now? midnight blue at 10 pm

65: is there anyone you haven’t seen in a long time who you’d love to hang out with? lotssss

66: what would your ideal flower crown look like? any collection of flowers that are all white, or a collection of colors that are moody and vampy

67: how do gloomy days where the sky is dark and the world is misty make you feel?  heavy, like I’m walking in water

68: what’s winter like where you live? hopefully no snow this year or ever

69: what are your favorite board games? Translated, it’s called “get angry, man” but essentially it’s Sorry

70: have you ever used a ouija board? no

71: what’s your favorite kind of tea? I haaaaate teaaaaa but chamomile if I HAVE to drink some when I’m sick

72: are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you’ll forget it? yes

73: what are some of your worst habits? ripping the skin off around my nails, biting my nails

74: describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns. genuine

75: tell us about your pets! I HAVE A BIRD NAMED CHARLIE AND HE IS TOO COOL FOR ME 

76: is there anything you should be doing right now but aren’t? a cog psy assignment 

77: pink or yellow lemonade? pink, aesthetically; yellow flavourfully(?)

78: are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub? If I don’t ever see an unironic facebook minion meme ever again, I can tolerate them

79: what’s one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you? can’t remember :( lots of cute things done by lots of cute people but I have a horrible memory

80: what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why? grey, no

81: describe one of your friend’s eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of. you know the blue in Blue from Blue’s Clues’ fur, well that

82: are/were you good in school? I was, now I’m not 

83: what’s some of your favorite album art? ahhhh can’t think of any. I’m sure I will literally 2 seconds after I post this

84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones? no, I’m too indecicive and I can’t commit

85: do you read comics? what are your faves? I don’t, used to read archie digests though

86: do you like concept albums? which ones? yeah, as a concept (AHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHA)

87: what are some movies you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives? Bad Genius, Moonlight, Donnie Darko, The Matrix, What We Do In The Shadows

88: are there any artistic movements you particularly enjoy? idk anything about art

89: are you close to your parents? not that close but i love em

90: talk about your one of you favorite cities. Vancouver, love everything

91: where do you plan on traveling this year? hopefully my family and I can vacation this year, it’s been a while

92: are you a person who drowns their pasta in cheese or a person who barely sprinkles a pinch? drownnn

93: what’s the hairstyle you wear the most? just down

94: who was the last person you know to have a birthday? @millport​

95: what are your plans for this weekend? this past HALLOWEEKEND I went to a frat party, saw a shadowcast of rocky horror, and spent time with good friends :) Next weekend sucks, I’m studying. 

96: do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot? procrastinate

97: myer briggs type, zodiac sign, and hogwarts house? 

INFJ

Libra

Slytherin 

98: when’s the last time you went hiking? did you enjoy it? would have been a long time ago, summer after grade 9. The hike was for five days and I was super sick, so I couldn’t realy heal properly. Plus, my period just started so everything felt shit. But overall I loved it lmao

99: list some songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them. semi charmed life! Not because my soul is like “ooh, meth” but it’s just a perfect song

100: if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why? past, so I could have the power to completely change my present

I tag @kabul1998 and anyone who is up for some tag-answering

[docboots]

(PotDA 11) The Professional Patient

   It has been a year since my upper teeth were ripped out. While some of the updates to my life are good, there are plenty more issues that rise up. Specifically in how much I feel I need to do before and while I continue to try and get my teeth removed. Though, at this point, it is bringing myself to actually make the appointment. The machismo from the adrenaline has worn off, and I find myself terrified of another go. While the pain was not spread over a weak like the torment I am used to, the agony of the removal of my teeth sticks with me. While I can take comfort in it as inspiration for horror plots and ponderings that hopefully will become the horror stories to define my legacy one day, but the terror of another go holds me back. Like it did in writing this.  

   I suppose, at this point, you could clearly call my focus on the health care system a bit of an obsession. Though, I personally do not know how I should otherwise approach a situation as I have experienced. The years go by, and still, I have more to write and ramble about. Still, I have more that makes my mind throb with conflicting emotions of manic outrage and debilitating depression. All the while the buzz of anxiety add to the haze, while the ADHD warps me completely. Fuels the fire of the rest by being the name for a peculiarity in my mind I had since I was born, I’d imagine, as I was diagnosed with it at the age of 5. However, I’ll get to the bumblefuck that was my ADHD treatment (or lack thereof for the past decade) in the next ramble. This one is to bridge the gap I mentioned in the last one.

   As a brief recap, on March 23, 2018, I went in to have all of my teeth removed. This was required as a lifetime of one of my disease’s flare-ups mixed with a decade (around 16-20 to a week ago. More on that later.) of the issues of suddenly taken off medicine for your ADHD and forced to stay off it no matter how many damn doctors/shrinks/pill-shrinks you see explaining your symptoms causing the stress to increase and the flare-ups to become more frequent. The constant vomiting exacerbated an issue a sugary diet may have caused and utterly demolished my teeth little by little. However, thanks to complications from how infected these teeth had become (having been unable to do anything due to co-pay costs, then not having insurance, then Medicaid being a headache to find anyone to be able to get it fixed) which lead to a few hours of pulling, waiting, pulling, blah blah… I was referred to an oral surgeon.

   Which is where the Health Insurance Shenanigans begins. I am quite familiar with these shenanigans, as they have been happening since I started. You see, the many different Nevada Medicaid healthcare providers who have insured me will have a list of the different doctors that will take your insurance. It sometimes might even claim to be able to tell you if they accept patients. This would be highly convenient if it did as it said. Instead, whenever I wanted to find a doctor, I would have to go down the list and call them one at a time. The moment Medicaid is mentioned, their tone sours ever so slightly. They tell you that, regardless of what the list on my provider’s own list says, they do not take Medicaid. The other constant was that if they DID, they were full on patients. If the did and they had openings, it is months down the line. When you need to find multiple specialists to deal with multiple issues caused by the same illness, this gets highly agitating. Frustrating as the ones I believed I could complain to like to assure me they understand it as. Why I do not believe them is they also seem surprised at how FUCKING PISSED OFF fucking up my health makes me.

   Remember these shenanigans, I will be bringing them up often.

   On March 6th, 2018 I received a letter from the allergist, who had been (poorly) helping me with my HAE care, that my care with them has suddenly been terminated. Now, I had only a few months prior FINALLY received from this doctor a pair of highly useful medications. In between the belittling, lecturing, and talking down to I got more than treatment, I finally was prescribed HAEGARDA and FIRAZYR. The first being a medication I WAS taking twice a week. It was rather painful for 15 minutes upon injection, but that cleared up quickly. The other was to be used in the event of swelling, injected like an Epipen (WHICH IT GOD DAMN ISN’T) might be at the moment of attack. With these two medicines, I had been comfortable enough to make my appointment with the dentist in the first place, which after a few appointments before I received the letter had been set for March 23rd.

   Suddenly I received that letter, which was soon followed by the provider of the two medicines telling me my YEAR LONG PRESCRIPTIONS with them had suddenly been pulled. Something they were confused about, MUCH LIKE IS WAS. Upon calling my allergist’s office, I learned that the reason had been APPARENTLY I wasn’t taking it. Which is confusing, as I had been, and had only missed the one appointment before the letter thanks to the INFECTION IN MY GUMS I NEEDED REMOVED along with all the other damn issues I was having and trying to mix making me have troubles sleeping and making an early morning appointment. Something that I apparently need to suck up.

   This reasoning SHOULD have been easily refuted by the constant deliveries of the medicine TO MY DOOR. The nurse that had come and taught me to use these medicines, THEIR APPROVAL THAT I KNEW WHAT I WAS DOING. As well me having sharps container with plenty of the injection needles I used. They did not wish for any of this, and after angry demands given I HAD A SURGERY APPOINTMENT for my teeth which has a DAMN HISTORY of causing swelling of the throat. So they extended it for 30 days, a bridge period, after constant calls that now just sit in my head like an angry flurry. Mixing them up, but the point is I had to FIGHT to make sure I  had enough of the medicine for my blood disease so I could go through the dental procedure with the lost chance of a POSSIBLY FATAL flare-up. Fun.

   So, once I was healed up after the dental appointment so I could start calling and get the bottoms removed… The Healthcare Shuffle appeared! This is when  I tried to call the Oral Surgeon I was referred to, they said they never received it. I call the Dentist who sent it and they said they sent it to my insurance. I call my insurance and they first said they haven’t received it. Later say they do and sent it but the Oral Surgeon never got it. WHILE all this was happening, a far more problematic issue arose. Keep in mind, this is all happening as I am still getting over the fact I now have these annoying dentures that I am STILL angry over.

   The medicine ran out. So, of course, I had to find someone new to prescribe me it. This had the issue of me needing to FIND someone who would do this. The Primary Care Physician that I had was uncertain himself and kept telling me he knew nothing about the disease. After explaining, he referred me to a Hematologist and Allergist… IN VEGAS. (This is 8 hours away from me on a good day or requires an hour and a half plane trip for something I likely need to do multiple times. I live in a city, not a small town. That has MANY ALLERGISTS AND HEMATOLOGISTS.)

   Annoyed by this, and after Medicaid Shenanigans, I eventually got an Allergist and a Hematologist referral. Upon calling the Hematologist, they refused! I was highly confused, as they kept repeating that I should go to an allergist. They don’t treat allergies. Hereditary Angioedema is a blood disease. NOT an allergy. Apparently, nothing can be done and I have still yet to see a hematologist. Joy. The reason? Even though I explained extensively this was a genetic blood disease and the symptoms only could be COMPARED to an allergy to stress. IT DOES NOT REACT TO ALLERGY MEDS. An epipen makes the area I inject just swell up yet give me the energy for my skeleton to feel like it wants to run around the block without the rest of me.

So, not surprising, this caused a lot of issues with swelling. Inevitably, I had an episode involving my gastrointestinal system. This time, it was bad enough I couldn’t seem to use medical marijuana to cover the symptoms until I was well and had water in me. So one Ambulance ride later I am in a hospital bed… Oh, wait, no, I am at the front desk of the emergency room waiting for a bed for a bit. Until I puke enough to be a disturbance. However it still takes quite a while before I get the main thing I want and have been kept from thanks to my body violently puking it up. I wanted an IV with something to hydrate me. The drugs could wait untiul the doctor, but as time went by and it felt like an eternity, I kept being told by all the people checking on me that I had to wait for a doctor to get my damn liquid.

All the while my fiance and my father are both helping explain that this was, without any doubt, an attack from my blood disease. It was an hereditary angioedema attack, blah blah… My discharge papers (useful in tracking my disorder and proving problems.) instead say it is some ‘unspecified vomiting type’ instead of maybe ‘blood disease triggered vomiting’ or ‘HAE triggered vomiting’, ‘genetic disorder triggered vomiting’. Think you get the point, more something that proved the medical staff were actually listening to my concerns. Attempts to fix this so I had proof with disability was met with them saying once that is written down it is permanent.

Then, five months later, it happened again.

   Luckily, the Allergist I eventually found turned out to actually have heard and seen a couple others who had this disorder. He knew of medicines and, instead of feeling like I needed to teach my doctors… I was given hope! I was given a vial of Firazyr. He said it was extending an olive branch, and I feel this will be what I remember when I try to think of the emotions needed to write a scene similar. I have never felt hope like I have then. Hope that likes to come and go, but at least I have one doctor at-bat for me.

Until a couple of months ago as of March 20th, 2019, I FINALLY was put on a new medication. Tahkzyro which I take twice a month. HOWEVER, I am still getting push back when it comes to getting the Firazyr, which would help me with my anxiety over the next surgery to remove my bottoms. Which, now that I have Tahkzyro, I once more have to take on HealthCare shenanigans to try and figure out who gets the god damned honor of removing my teeth. As the ones I was referred to HAVE the damn referral… But they don’t take Medicaid. SEEMS THE INFECTION IN MY BOTTOM TEETH GETS TO STAY! Just get to keep draining that thing myself. GUESS WE ARE FRIENDS FOREVER, ME AND THIS INFECTED TOOTH! Though it is crumbling away like the rest. It is down to the gums now. Though, I would like the Firazyr so I can inject myself IMMEDIATELY upon noticing my throat swelling. Never been asphyxiated but something tells me it ISN’T ALL THE FUN AN END! Especially at twenty fucking eight. So you can see my troubles. That doctor is still great, and makes a good point, I just think I need to make myself a bit clearer.

The years feel like they become less and less about me finding my place in this world, healing, and learning but instead more and more about me working as quality control for a broken system with no desire to fix itself. With every passing event involving them, I feel less like a patient and more like the data point I clearly am. With articles full of professionals professionally talking about diseases and medicines without much mention or care for the patients. The ones who that was made for.

For patients like me to heal. Not for people to make money. That is a side-effect of the job they signed up for. To fucking CARE for your goddamn patients. Not be coerced into giving meds left and right (or taking them away as a debate on whether or not ADHD FUCKING EXISTS goes on) or whether you believe the name given to the collection of symptoms I show. My disorders are not Cryptids. I have blood tests, medical papers, and diagnoses. Not blurry pictures of my blood viewed through a slide where fragments of the disease are seen peeking over their shoulder as they rush into a forest of red blood cells.

My particular disorders that I had since birth (ADHD and HAE) were caused by my body’s INABILITY to produce something. So if someone who CAN produce it takes it (least in the sense of ADHD as I doubt anyone else will benefit from a c1-inhibitor. No more than insulin if they aren’t in need of it like a diabetic) then of COURSE something different will happen. Of course, they might get high. That is not my fault as the patient it was made for.

As the point I am trying to make is that I do not feel I have been treated as a patient, I feel I am given more paperwork and calls than a cubicle worker. I feel I have to study more about the laws and practices to keep myself from being further burned. In between the Madness. The Pain. The Suffering that ALL OF THIS has inflicted on me. In between the new disorders this has caused me, particularly my obsession.

All I can think of is how to fix this. How I keep seeing articles, posts, and websites full of cries for help at a broken system. Of people fucked over, lacking their medicine, and the only ones getting the fucking attention are the dipshits who thought that taking someone else’s necessity would be a good way to get high. A good way to ‘focus’. To ‘relax’. While you use that as a fucking excuse to let people like me suffer, and further excuse it by brushing us into a group of people who just ‘slipped through the cracks’.

This obsession has grown now. Especially from the subject of the next article, ADHD meds from the perspective of someone who was one them from the age of 5, had them taken somewhere between the ages of 16 and 20 (my memory is incredibly hazy in this period thanks to the damn medicine being taken away) and getting only mild relief from marijuana replenishing my Dopamine… But that isn’t all Marijuana does nor all ADHD needs. I FINALLY am being treated, though it is just beginning. Still need to find MY medicine. It only took a decade for them to admit they were screwing with me. The lengths of my rage, again, is the subject of the next article.

This one was about how this madness turned me into someone who believes his job is to be a Professional Patient. Being talked into long commutes, long waits waiting for a doctor who will drop you for being late when they are constantly 45 to an hour late. Constantly filling out paperwork and debating about the fact my problems EXIST. Being treated as too young to be suffering. To the point, I don’t know what else to do. When you are too fucked up to work, explained in an earlier article, too fucked around for college, and the only thing you can apparently do is smash your rage against a keyboard and hope spreading your story around for no one to read will get something done.

If not? Then no matter what happens. If I die from malpractice or my disease, if I am killed, if I am silenced. My words on how this bullshit has made me feel will be, hopefully, somewhere.

The internet is notorious for being difficult to clean thoroughly, after all. If you do a little light digital legwork with the intention of being annoying as all hell. Especially since I got denied for disability again. Next time, I have to go to federal court apparently. JOLLY GEE GOODIE.

[fitnesshealthyoga-blog]

New Post has been published on https://fitnesshealthyoga.com/a-beginners-guide-to-dating-yourself/

A Beginner’s Guide to Dating Yourself

Who is Valentine’s Day still fun for, really? If you’ve got a partner, the pressure to plan a flawlessly documented night of perfect romance can be crushing. And if you’re single? By omission, you’re pretty much told the best you can hope for is getting through the holiday without wanting to die. (Well, that, and a February 15 trip to Rite Aid to buy a big chocolate shark that says “You’re Jawsome” for 75 percent off sticker price.)

At this point, The Love Holiday just feels like a dog-pile of brands trying to convince you they’ve got the key to the perfect life—and that key is A Perfect and Hot Relationship Where You Inexplicably Spend Half of Every Day Scootering Around Manhattan (or whatever). Movies, commercials and those fucking Instagram ads for customizable engagement rings that keep coming for me—they’re all hell-bent on assuring us the only worthwhile way to go through life is with someone within smooching distance at all times. We’re barraged with the message that being alone is a shadowy half-life, spent deprived of all the fulfillment, adventure and inexplicably clearer skin that being in a relationship offers.

I’d like to take a moment to reflect: Why is being alone such an awful fate? Aside from the distant potential for choking to death on a chicken bone in your apartment (and there’s a nonzero chance this is the exact reason I only eat soft, non-threatening foods), what makes spending time by yourself so horrendous that a menagerie of companies make billions a year just helping you avoid it?

“

What makes spending time by yourself so horrendous that a menagerie of companies make billions a year just helping you avoid it?

”

One of my favorite brain wranglers, a clinical psychiatrist named Dr. David D. Burns, M.D., drew a pretty good bead on the psychology of wretched loneliness in his book Feeling Good—a work that I have shoved down the throats of several of my beloved pals over the years. Dr. Burns has seen his fair share of miserable singles, and he found one thing they all had in common: They hated being alone, because they never did anything fun when they were alone.

It’s a kind of self-fulfilling prophecy, Burns says. If you expect to be bored and sad when you’re alone, then that’s exactly how you’re going to be. He started suggesting that one of his divorced patients go to museums, take dance classes and cook meals by herself—and she soon realized that being happy and being by herself weren’t mutually exclusive concepts. There’s a science behind investing in your own self-life.

“

She soon realized that being happy and being by herself weren’t mutually exclusive concepts. There’s a science behind investing in your own self-life.

”

Even though I’m in a relationship, I find it absolutely vital to take time to remind myself I’m fun to be with. I owe it to myself to keep doing things with and for me to demonstrate that I’m still a complete person and that my boyfriend doesn’t have to be my sole source of happiness. How depressing would that be?

Also, it’s worth acknowledging that there are some activities that are infinitely better when done alone. Have you ever taken yourself to the formal section of a department store just to try things on that you can’t afford, or gone to a bar just so you can leave the absolute second you want to without getting caught in 20 minutes of goodbyes?

Just last weekend, I went to the zoo by myself, because I had a free pass and none of the people I texted were free. You might think that sounds sad, but guess what? It rocked so much I’m considering exclusively going alone from now on. I got to get straight to the lemurs and snow leopards, zooming right past all the animals that nobody will admit actually kind of suck despite their popularity.

As someone who has struggled for years with admitting that I’m a full person who deserves as much love and care as anyone else, taking myself out on dates has become an important part of my self-care. The practice serves as a reminder that I’m worth doing nice things for, and that my experiences matter even when I go through them alone. 

“

As someone who has struggled for years with admitting that I’m a full person who deserves as much love and care as anyone else, taking myself out on dates has become an important part of my self-care.

”

Sergey Causelove/Shutterstock.

I asked a few people about their relationships with alone time, and they agree that self-dates are where it’s at. 

Shelby, 24

Shelby works as the associate director of multiple after-school programs and says self-dates are vital for her work/life balance. “Being an introvert doing an extroverted job, I have to take a lot of time to myself after work to recharge,” she explains. Sometimes, Shelby can’t manage to put more effort into her alone time than a little TV therapy after work, so when she’s got time and energy for herself, her strategy is to really make it count. “As much as I love my job and the kids,” she says, it’s important for her to remember all her other loves.

Shelby spends her alone time on interests that nobody else in her life necessarily shares, including some pretty eclectic stuff, like learning Russian and watercolor painting. “With the time I do make for myself, I try to be intentional about my interests—crafting and reading and history and languages—because the things I enjoy take a lot of brain power I don’t always have,” she says. Shelby loves that she can disappear into these interests without having to get anyone else caught up in them, or without having to worry that other people aren’t enjoying themselves.

Some of Shelby’s favorite self-dates:

Getting dressed up and going to a coffee shop downtown, where she can read and eavesdrop on other patrons

Traipsing around used bookstores to “gift shop,” i.e. pick up a copy of a Jane Austen novel she already has

Picking up ingredients for a solo make-your-own pizza and margarita night, while screening her current favorite movie

MRProduction/Shutterstock.

Stephen, 25

Stephen makes time at least once a month to take a little retreat from work, school and general stress. “I tend to get stuck in my own headspace, and I have such massive anxiety issues that it’s nice to take at least an afternoon—if not a whole day—to treat myself to something I normally wouldn’t do,” he explains. A few weeks ago, when the weather was nice, Stephen went to the zoo and then post-gamed with a nice lunch—just to give himself a break from the horrors of apartment hunting.

A big element of Stephen’s self-date routine? Intentionally making himself “inaccessible to others,” putting his phone on Do Not Disturb and taking some time to go completely off the radar. “I literally talk to no one, other than the barista or server,” he says. Stephen finds that taking some time to hang out with himself while cutting out everyday stressors gives his mental health a boost.

Stephen says his self-date routine got something of an upgrade recently, when he moved to D.C. “I [go out] more now that I have access to public transportation,” he says. “[Something I’m trying to do more] is to pick a metro stop, go to it and just see what weird stuff I can find.” Stephen uses self-dates as a way to treat himself to breaks from the challenges he faces, and the joy of spontaneity really appeals to him. “The first time it snowed while I was [in D.C.], I literally just walked around in the snow until I found a nice coffee shop to get some hot chocolate,” he says.

Some of Stephen’s favorite self-dates:

Finding a new hiking spot or visiting a familiar one he loves

Turning his phone off and finding a new BBC Earth or 30 for 30 documentary on Netflix

Heading to the driving range to blow off some steam

Mimage Photography/Shutterstock.

Maggie, 25

Maggie takes herself on dates all the time. She says it’s often about letting herself have what she wants without waiting for someone else to want to do the exact same thing at the same time. “I think it’s important to ask yourself why you need someone with you to do the things you want to do. Of course having a friend or partner along is fun and can add to an experience,” she says, “But if you’ve been wanting to go check out the new collection at your favorite store or see that indie movie your favorite actress is in, why wait?”

Maggie says investing in spending time alone has helped her learn to pay attention to herself. “Going on dates with myself has become a really important part of my mental health,” she says. Investing in a relationship with herself has enhanced her ability to love and take care of herself.

Some of Maggie’s favorite self-dates: 

Going to Target to try on clothes she doesn’t need

Buying herself earrings “just because”

Going to a movie nobody else wants to see as much as her

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[theconservativebrief]

Dan Nosowitz was scrolling through Instagram when he saw it: an ad for a cooking device whose sole function was to heat up raclette cheese.

“I had to click through because I had no idea what it actually was,” he explains. “Finding out that an algorithm believed I would be interested in a discount ‘traditional Swiss-style electric cheese melter’ is sort of comfortably bumbling. It’s like watching a Roomba bonk into a wall.”

Whether the humor inherent in the ad comes from the fact that the gadget is so oddly specific, or because raclette is an incredibly high-maintenance cheese and therefore hardly a common grocery item for most people, is difficult to say. What we do know, however, is that the complicated set of algorithms that serve targeted ads on social media are the most brutal, most incisive owns of our time.

In Nosowitz’s case, he figures he likely saw the raclette warmer because he’s a food writer who Amazon surely knows has previously browsed cooking tools on its site. That’s because Amazon, Facebook, Instagram, and the rest of the internet track your every keystroke and will then use your history to show you things they think will make them money. So it’s no wonder that it feels so deeply personal when we get targeted ads for, say, “dressy sweatpants,” colonoscopies, underwear whose selling point is that they are easy to take off, preparing for your own funeral, or, somehow the biggest attack of all: tickets to Jagged Little Pill: The Musical.

The simplest explanation for why targeted ads are so creepily intimate: Your phone, your computer, and the internet in general contain a gargantuan amount of information about you. Google, for instance, knows essentially every website you have ever gone to in your life, and thanks to geolocation can tell where you live, where you work, and where you’ve traveled and when. Credit card companies know what you buy, and the brands that sell those items can use that data to predict the things you’ll buy in the future — in Target’s case, it can tell that you’re pregnant before even your family knows.

There are ways to prevent at least some of this, but the more the internet entrenches itself in our lives, the more difficult and time-consuming it is to opt out. The consequences are, of course, potentially democracy-shattering. For our purposes here, however, the thing in danger of being shattered is our self-esteem.

Seth Stephens-Davidowitz, who has written a book on how the internet uses your data, has himself experienced the strangeness of being targeted by a Facebook ad for hair loss cream despite never having posted anything about balding.

“It was a little like being in a Seinfeld episode,” he explains. “I had never worried about my hair and always thought hair products were a total waste of money. And now I had to wonder, ‘Am I crazy? Should I actually be taking a product for hair loss?’” (He, however, ended up deducing that it was probably because two-thirds of men start losing their hair by the time they’re 35, and that the ad simply targeted all men around that age.)

I just got a Facebook ad for hair loss product. Are they using my pictures to figure out I am balding? I am pretty sure there is no other way, using my internet behavior, for them to know that.

— Seth Stephens-Davidowitz (@SethS_D) March 29, 2018

Facebook, undoubtedly the platform with the worst and most prolific targeted ads, said in a memo this April that while it allows companies to target their ads to users that fit a certain profile, it keeps users’ actual identities private from them.

But companies are able to target specific people by other means, namely through sending Facebook a list of emails, which Facebook can then use to find associated accounts. If you’ve ever bought anything from, say, Urban Outfitters, the brand could use the email you used to either make the purchase online or the one you gave at the checkout counter to specifically target you. And if you happened to be browsing Glossier.com, while still logged into Facebook, you might return to the social media app to find ads for Boy Brow.

Plus, the blog post doesn’t mention the fact that marketers can take advantage of your data that isn’t simply demographic — it theoretically could, for instance, reach users who seem to match a specific personality type or emotional state, thereby taking advantage of already vulnerable people. So ads for funeral preparations or musicals about mid-’90s female angst could be more than just a coincidence and instead referendums on your actual current mood.

The most horrific item I have ever seen in a targeted Facebook ad was a sweatshirt emblazoned with a bunch of Celtic knots that implied the superiority of having “Jennings blood.” Ignoring the possible white supremacist connotations, the ad was ironic mostly because you can buy the exact same sweatshirt replaced with literally any last name that sounds vaguely Irish and about a zillion other versions, too. “God made the strongest and named them Rubin,” reads one. “Never underestimate the power of a person with name’s Brooke,” shouts another, despite the fact that this sentence does not make sense.

It’s obvious why this specific ad showed up on my feed: Facebook knows that my last name is Jennings, and marketers can easily target users with such information. What’s more complicated is how the hell all those last names ended up on a sweatshirt.

To be clear, they didn’t. The reason so many T-shirts and sweatshirts with oddly specific phrases is because online clothing companies have tasked algorithms with the heavy lift of actually filling in the specifics and photoshopping those results onto digital images of clothing. The sweatshirts themselves don’t physically exist until you hit “purchase.”

Michael Fowler had been in the T-shirt business for 20 years before creating a simple computer code that would change his life in 2011. It took a common phrase, such as “Kiss Me, I’m a [blank],” compiled hundreds of thousands of words from digital dictionaries, created a list of phrase variations using those words, and then generated images of T-shirts with each phrase. According to The Hustle, Fowler’s company went from just 1,000 T-shirts that were designed by actual humans to more than 22 million code-generated ones. Through targeted Facebook ads, he was eventually able to sell 800 a day.

Unfortunately, his success was not the reason Fowler would make international headlines. Two years later his algorithm was responsible for shirts that read “Keep calm and rape a lot,” among other disturbing and misogynistic variations on the famous World War II slogan. Fowler said he had no knowledge of the items, and in fact, they’d been available for more than a year before anyone noticed. But even though he quickly deleted the offending shirts, his company still ended up folding.

Robot-written word salad T-shirts, however, have managed to become one of the internet’s purest inside jokes. On the subreddit r/TargetedShirts, members share the most egregious versions they come across, be they weirdly antagonistic (“Walk away, this forklift operator has anger issues and a serious dislike of stupid people”), uncomfortably sexual (“I don’t need therapy, I just need to get f#ed in public by fourteen werewolves”), birthday month-related (“Never underestimate an old man who is also an air force veteran and was born in November”), or utterly nonsensical (“Good girls go to heaven, January girl go hunting with Dean”).

The sub even has its own parody versions, like “These titties are protected by a skinny white guy in his mid-thirties who wears DC shoes, yells at me in public and is addicted to percs who was born in February,” or “Only heros with an IQ of 121, work as a pizza delivery driver, have 3 spoons of sugar in their coffee and love reptiles & mice, were born in March by C-section 2 weeks before their due date.”

Its founder, David Moreno, launched the subreddit just ten months ago, but it already has more than 40,000 subscribers. He explained to Vox that the first time he saw a targeted ad, back in 2011 or 2012, “it did fuck with my brain for a while because it had my last name and month of birth and at the time I didn’t realize what was going on.”

These days, however, the practice makes sense to him. “Funnily enough, I work in marketing, so while it might seem like a desperate strategy, it is actually a very good way to target a very specific group of people without spending too much cash,” he said.

The best versions, of course, are the ones seen in the wild. The sub is often populated by surreptitiously photographed people in the offending shirts, like this one, with comments that lightly roast the wearer. They’re the best because they are the saddest — the catalog of folks who were not only owned by the algorithm, but scammed by it.

That’s the other part of what it’s like to see a hyper-targeted ad for something incredibly on-brand: sometimes they read us more clearly than any actual humans. This is an inherently depressing thought, considering that this is sort of the job of the people we love and the society we live in. But the more intimate our phones and our data become in our lives, it might increasingly be the case.

The prevailing cynical attitude towards targeted ads — tweets that say things like, “i just got an ad for preparing for your own funeral, what are you trying to say to me youtube” — can sort of be compared to the FBI agent meme of the past year and a half or so. The idea is that every internet user has their own personal agent monitoring their behavior through their devices, but instead of this being incredibly creepy, the joke is that the agent acts as a friend or frustrated mentor to the subject.

me: (sitting back down on my bed with a bowl of chips ready to binge a new series) hey so what does “fbi” stand for anyway

fbi agent inside my computer: uh Faraway.. Buddy.. Insideyourcomputer

me: cool. so what do u wanna watch next

fbi agent: i heard grace and frankie is fun

— jonny sun (@jonnysun) February 1, 2018

A Mashable article earlier this year explored the surprising poignance of the meme: “The agent wants the best for their subject,” writes its author Chloe Bryan. “The narrator, conscious of how boring their life must be to observe, tries to entertain the FBI agent. They have pleasant conversations. They develop a forbidden friendship. They become quiet, lightly subversive allies.”

In both cases, we’re taking our deepest technological anxieties — that the internet stores and sells our data and that the government is spying on us — and turning them into lighthearted jokes. Which is fair! It’s a lot more fun to pretend Big Data is actually just there to dunk on our most embarrassing shopping habits instead of manipulating U.S. elections or contributing to the rising wealth of the world’s richest people.

Which means there will probably come a day when an ad on Instagram for an enormous cheese-warming gadget targeted specifically to a person using a complex set of his internet data will no longer be funny. But we may as well laugh while it still is.

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Original Source -> The joy and horror of targeted Facebook ads

via The Conservative Brief

[mikeyd1986]

MIKEY’S PERSONAL BLOG 70, September 2017

On Monday morning, I had my last Healthy Cooking on a Budget class for the term at Balla Balla Community Centre in Cranbourne East. It was a small class again with only the 6 of us but I was more than happy about that. Generally, the larger the group, the more anxious I tend to get. Today I worked with Di and Rhonda who were both easy to get along with. It kind of felt like I was cooking in the kitchen at Grandma’s house. That’s the vibe I got from them.

Today we ended up making a pumpkin, sweet potato and sage cannelloni, which is essentially these thick tubes of pasta filled with mashed up vegetables (pumpkin, sweet potato, red onion, herbs) and covered with pasta sauce and grated cheese. We also made a panna cotta which is an Italian dessert of thickened cream with gelatin and molded. And finally we roasted a whole cauliflower in the oven and added cherry tomatoes and bay leaves.

This course has been really beneficial for me in improving my cooking skills and techniques with chopping and slicing vegetables, frying, roasting and baking as well as learning basic hygiene and working with other people in the community. It has taken me a few weeks to few comfortable and not worry so much about making mistakes or being uncertain of what I’m doing. Jodie is an incredibly patient and helpful cooking teacher which is what I needed.  http://www.ballaballa.com.au/progra...

On Monday night, I attended an RPM class at YMCA Casey ARC in Narre Warren. My thighs, calves, hips, glutes and groin were feeling particularly tight and sore today so this class was much needed. It didn’t take long before I could feel my knees burning either but I pushed as hard as I could on the pedals and switched up the resistance when needed. Listening to your body is really important in classes like these. Being a group class, nobody is going to criticize you if something is too much and you need to back off a little.

Tonight’s class was facilitated by instructor Claire who I’ve had in my previous RPM class. She mixed up tracks from release 60 and 76 including Rihanna’s Diamonds (Bimbo Jones vocal edit), One Republic’s If I Lose Myself, Bruno Mars’ 24K Magic and Tikki Taane’s Get Up Stand Up. The sprint sections were easily the toughest for me as my legs weren’t used to cycling that fast but thankfully there were plenty of recovery breaks and easy ride sections in between to balance things out. http://w3.lesmills.com/israel/en/cl...

On Tuesday morning, I went to a Pilates Mat class at YMCA Casey RACE in Cranbourne East. Funnily enough, it’s my first time setting foot inside the group fitness room at Casey RACE since becoming a member last year. The walls are all brightly coloured with motivational quotes (I may not be the strongest. I may not be the fastest. But I am trying my hardest), fitness related words and images of people exercising. It’s a very warm and inviting environment to be in which is exactly what I need.

Today I was thinking about how there’s been a major shift in gender stereotypes when it comes to particular exercises. For example, yoga and pilates are both female dominated whilst boxing and weight lifting are both male dominated. But in the past 5-10 years or so, those stereotypes have been broken and now it’s socially acceptable to participate in any sport or recreational activity regardless of whether you’re male or female. It’s never bothered me that much that most of my yoga and pilates classes are 95% female as I’ve always had a dominant feminine side and really it shouldn’t matter.

This morning’s class was instructed by Anita who I’ve also had previously at Casey Arc. I pretty much knew what to expect. Her classes are tough but in a good way...she really works your core muscles. We did a lot of poses and movements using the chi ball including single leg raises and lowers, mermaid, table top, arm and leg balance and wide legged forward stretch. The idea is to be as slow and controlled with your movements as possible. Whilst core strength exercises are really challenging for me, I feel like I’m steadily improving the more I do pilates classes. https://www.pilates.com/BBAPP/V/pil...

On Tuesday night, I went to a Body Combat class at YMCA Casey ARC in Narre Warren. It’s unusual for me to do two group fitness classes in one day but today I felt particularly tired and unmotivated. My plans got cancelled and I needed a backup plan. It’s been a little while since I last saw my fitness instructor Cinamon Guerin but it felt really good to be back.

Tonight’s class was mainly composed of tracks from the new release, number 73, with a mixture of side punches, high knees, jab boxes, uppercuts, side and front kicks. The most challenging parts for me was the push-up and plank with side steps sequence (power training 2) and the dynamic lunges (combat 3) but I just did the best I could. Sometimes I have to force myself to slow down in order to improve and work on my technique more or just because the fatigue is kicking in. But I also feel good after a combat class because I know that I gave it my all. https://www.siphilp.com/les-mills-b...

On Wednesday morning, I had my Strength Training session at Breakaway Fitness in Berwick. I found myself holding back at the start of the session which was a sign that I had a lot of personal stuff to get off my chest. It takes a great deal of courage to be open and honest with people but I feel like I trust my personal trainer Luke Davey enough to go there. I mostly talked about the effect and addictive nature of social media...comparing myself to others, social isolation, jealousy, feeling inferior and boring, being mentally drained. When my plans get cancelled and I’m stuck at home, that’s when I struggle the most with my mental health.

WARM-UP...Today I started my session with the flowing yoga sequence. I tried to remember the sequence without Luke helping me and I did it. It’s one of those things where I’m used to having a visual reference such as an instructor demonstrating the movement and so I can get easily confused and forgetful doing it by myself. I then did five minutes on the balance board and could see a significant improvement with finding the even weight through my feet. I also did 3 rounds of 15 glute bridges with a 10-15kg dumbbell.

DEVELOPMENT...Today I worked on my back squats, doing 4 rounds of 3 reps at 68kg with the last round being maximum reps. I was feeling pretty good today. The biggest challenge for me was keeping my squat depth consistently low and keeping my chest lifted. But otherwise, I was really pleased with my efforts today. I managed to get 16 reps in my last round which was really big for me. I noticed that I do begin to feel nauseous and a bit light headed when I’ve pushed myself to my limits but I stuck it out with the help of Luke.

WORKOUT...Today’s workout consisted of doing 3 rounds of the following: 200m run, 15 wall balls, 10 burpee box jumps and 20 kettle bell snatches. I still hate running even though I’ve had a few months of experience at it now but I’m learning to get that technique right. I was fighting with my inner critic a lot here as I felt like a “slow runner”. I reminded myself not too be so worried about how fast I was running. Keeping a good pace is key. And really I’m not a marathon runner or a sprint athlete but I do want to get improve in this area of fitness. 

My wall balls were much better than my last workout. I was catching the ball higher and into my chest and I was also focusing more on keeping a rhythm going with the squats, throws and catches. The burpee box jumps were a little challenging in the physical sense. The more fatigued I got, the harder it was for me to get up. But I gave myself a second to prepare myself for the jumps. The anxiety of tripping of the box is still there but it’s effect is nowhere near as strong as it used to be. So now I’m feeling much more confident about it. 

The kettle bell snatches were a brand new movement for me so I really needed to cut myself some slack. I found it hard working out how much power I needed in the swing and when exactly I need to snatch my arm up over my head. But I did my best and just did what I could. I was fairly slow doing them but again I reminded myself that it’s not a race, take your time and focus on getting that technique right. https://www.facebook.com/breakawayf...

On Wednesday night, I went out to see the IT movie at Village Cinemas Fountain Gate. Based on Stephen King’s classic 1986 novel, the film is set in Derry, Maine in 1989. The main storyline focuses on the friendships between a group of “loser” high school kids which range in personality and stereotypes. After an intense prologue involving Bill’s brother Georgie (Jackson Robert Scott), a sail boat and a sewer drain, we’re introduced to each of the kids in the “Losers Club”.

We have Bill (Jaeden Lieberher) who has an uncontrollable stutter. Beverly (Sophia Lillis) who is the high school sweetheart, has some disturbing Daddy issues and is a victim of sexual assault. Mike (Chosen Jacobs) who is forced to work in a sheep slaughterhouse. Eddie (Jack Dylan Grazer) who has asthma and has to take regular medication for his condition as a hypochondriac. Ben (Jeremy Ray Taylor) who is overweight, gets bullied constantly and starts off with no friends. And Henry (Nicholas Hamilton) who is the leader of a bully gang.

Derry has a dark and sinister history for children who go missing every 27 years and now it’s starting to happen again. All fingers point towards an evil clown named Pennywise The Dancing Clown (Bill Skarsgard) who hunts each of the kids down one by one with many temptations and disguises. Eventually the kids discover that working together as a team and being able to face their individual fears is the key to defeating Pennywise aka IT.

This is a horror movie with a lot of depth and substance. It is really well balanced with funny moments between the kids, references to classic 80’s music and movies, some romantic elements and of course plenty of creepy scares. I honestly believe that Stephen King would be proud of this adaptation. It far surpasses the original 1990 TV mini-series in terms of character development, pacing and horror elements. And the fact that the credits have “IT Chapter One” hints that there may be a sequel in the works that would focus on the kids as adults, 30 years later. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1396484...

On Thursday morning, I went to the morning melodies social function held at the Trios Sports Club in Cranbourne. It’s been a really emotional time for me, dealing with the burden of financial debt and have multiple expenses due all at once next week. I was on the verge of losing the plot in front of Mum. But thankfully this function really did take my mind off things for a while, Sometimes all you need is a laugh to forget about your own problems.

Today’s performance was by a Mauritian musician named Marcel who played a mixture of Caribbean, classical, reggae, blues and ragtime music and wore Mexican-styled outfit with puffy sleeves and a tied crop top (Don’t ask :P). The thing that really impressed me with most was his diversity of musical styles and languages from Italian and French to Mexican and also being talented enough to play guitar, saxophone, violin and a clarinet.

He played many classic songs from artists including UB40 (Kingston Town, Red Red Wine, I Can’t Help Falling In Love With You), Louis Armstrong (What A Wonderful World), Luis Demetrio (Sway) and Giuseppe Verdi (La Traviata aka The Drinking Song).  

On Friday morning, I had my second Strength Training session with Luke Davey at Breakaway Fitness in Berwick. Today I had two choices: I could either put on a fake smile and pretend that everything was okay. Or I could unload everything that’s bothering me onto Luke. I wisely chose the latter. Unfortunately, the down side of that is my tendency to get easily frustrated, really hard on myself and be on the verge of another emotional breakdown.

Part of me worried that Luke wouldn’t be able to handle my shit anymore but honestly it was so liberating to just open up to him and let all that negative stuff inside go. He’s stuck it out with me this long. Again it was just my fear and anxiety playing tricks on me but today it was just more intense than usual. I could have thrown in the towel before the end of the session but I was determined to stick it out, emotional wreck or not.

WARM-UP...Today’s warmup started off okay. I had to do three rounds of the following exercises: 20 scorpion stretches, 15 pull aparts and 20 walking lunges. By the second round, the fatigue was hitting hard and I was struggling heaps during the lunges. Why was I finding this so damn difficult? Yep there goes the inner critic again. I was already in a pool of sweat before I even started my deadlifts. This wasn’t a good sign.

DEVELOPMENT...Today I did 4 sets of 3 deadlifts at 89kg with a last round of maximum reps. It was pretty clear that my levels of frustration were beginning to rise rapidly. Even putting the plates on the bar was a challenge for me in this state. Luke was doing his best to get me to calm down and relax, to get out of my own head. But it was just too difficult for me today. Even at 60kg, I was having a tougher time than usual. I thought “Oh shit! Am I going to have to pull the pin on deadlifts today?”

But somehow I stuck it out. Lifting 89kg today took an enormous amount of energy for me today and this is where I was getting really hard on me. Whilst Luke was trying hard to reassure me about it, it didn’t make me feel much better considering I’ve lifted 105kg in the past. But I just did the best I could. During my maximum reps set, I was starting to feel nauseous and getting up to 6 reps seemed impossible but somehow I managed to pull 8 reps out of the bag. After that, I was physically and mentally done.