#something something even if he isnt physically rotting he Was he Should Be

[loadedchekhovsgun]

trail of decomposition

[bitchfitch]

Ive decided to shoot down the middle and make him Very Confident in his ability to take care of a human as he would any other member of their pack, but absolutely incompetent at anything more complicated than 'the blood is supposed to be on the Inside'.

Maelgwn: *On the verge of a panic attack because he doesn't know how to handle his lover shutting out the world around them and slowly becoming suicidal right before a time of year Maelgwn is going to have almost no ability to help him or take care of him due to his own hibernation.*

Hopcyn: Hmmmmmm. Just leave him alone. He'll get over it on his own. If it starts bothering you too much yell at him or wrestle with him to make him feel your anger and worry. That should clear out the sludge and make him start feeling everything else again. Repeat that as often as it takes. If he starts crying, that means it's working.

There's a doctor character in this new project I'm working on and I'm completely torn on if he should be just as ignorant about humans as Maelgwn is or if he should be fully aware of and competent in human medical care but in a very mid to late 13th century way.

like option a:

Maelgwn: my human spent 3 hrs last night sobbing quietly and has been sleeping constantly and getting irritated with me every time I try to talk to him and he hasn't wanted to do any of the things that make him happy or told me no when he wasn't in the mood. Is he dying???

Hopcyn: hmmm...like his tattoos, He is a plant and not handling the onset of winter well. he'll get better once the sun comes back.

option b:

Maelgwn: *describes severe depression*

Hopcyn: Hmmmm yes, the winter sickness that many humans suffer from. He needs to do hallucinogenics and have less blood about it.

[atechnobladeapologist]

Paralels between Emerald duo and Codebreakers (canons and headcanons).

First of all they are my favorites character, I cannot even put in words how much I like them, my brain is gonna rot.

Personally I dont like to see the relationship that Phil have with them as something pathernal, but more as something close to the idea of the Moiral quadrant that we had on homestuck.

For you who saved your ass and stayed farrr away from this webcomic (just joking dont take that part too serious), Moirail basicly are besties that has a strings and specials bond, Moirail it’s that person who you feel safe to open up and talk about problems and feelings. That’s it if I dont mistaken me, omg my memorie is so poor, but look if Im wrong this is still the concept that Im looking for okay :c

Based on it, we should normalize kiss your best- COF COF, I mean, normalize writing an open love letter to your best friend in a pretty platonic way (Im not being ironic).

In short, they are best friends, bros, buddys.

Yeh I talk too much, too much, lesgo then.

The totem thing. I like to think Philza is pretty concerned with the boys, because Techno and Elotes are almost two ambulant suicidals just because of the totens, yet Phil is just like omggg sit down and stay quiet just for two entire minutes. I imagine Phil have constantly to bandage and sew up their wounds, SPECIALLY with Etoiles, that French Beast thing and his way of looking at thing intensifies this a lot.

I have a really strong headcanon that in both codebreakers and emerald duo Techno and Etoiles have a very strong relationship with Mumza because of the times they almost died (a pretty fun relationship btw, I bet she gives advices and philosophizes about life with them), at the point they know her even BEFORE know Philza or as long as they know him, and all this often without Philza even knowing, and when he descovers he goes like: WHAT?!

Even though Philza doesnt look physically as strong as them (I like to think he is, for real) the two still admire the man as if he were a super cool older friend, and besides none of them show it to Phil or tell him, they both are like: LOOK that cool guy is MY FRIEND, how cool, isnt it?

Headcanon, the warriors already cried in front him.

I know that Techno is pretty concerned about his reputation in a certain way but I really like to pass this to Etoiles too, Imagine a moment where they are showing friendly affection for eachother with a hug or something, and out of nowhere they break up and Etoiles says, “man, I’m enjoying this but it hurts my reputation”, even when theres NO ONE close to see it, they’re just so out of touch they have ashamed of it, in the most fluffy way you can imagine that, it’s pretty funny imagine beasts, unshakable warriors that just cant deal with a hug of their best friend.

Techno hear voices, Etoiles get the paranoid <3

They have wavy and curly hair and sometimes Phil helps them to finish their hair, for techno he usually braid his all hair and for Etoiles he do a tiny terere on the side. Philza encourage both to take more care of their hair because he likes the curls and waves.

Techno and Etoiles have completly unexpected hobbies, I like to think that tech know how to sew and he have a whole sketchbook just for crosquis and Etoiles constantly draw and makes small wood sculptures, cute things because he usually gives to Pomme. We can invert this too btw, I think it matchs with both!

Despite Phil’s warnings they simply refuse to have a healthy sleep schedule.

If it was necessary they would sacrifice themselfs for keep the oldman safe.

I didn’t talk much about Phil :c but I was trying to do something more focused on Tecchnoblade and Etoiles in the relationship with him ya know? Maybe another time I’ll do something for our blondie girlie pop.

I truly like how those duos are simillary with eachother even when one of them are different people. Btw codebreakers should be more contrast on the fandom hihi.

Just to remember English is not my mother language so sorry for the poor words choose.

[taylors-fourth-cat-meow]

Answering this ask because my clumsy ass deleted the draft of the ans as well as the ask idek how that happened

HERE'S THE COMMENTARY ON ACOFAS CHAPTER 11: THE ONE WHERE RHYISE VISITS A SUICIDAL TAMLIN AND TELLS HIM TO ROT IN HELL 🥰

A tomb.

This place was a tomb.

How can someone be proud of doing something cruel to someone? If they are the saints they claim to be why do this to Tamlin bro? Istg i will NEVER to this understand how on earth did the editors agree to the plotline of the destruction of Spring Court?

Lucien had not come here to make amends during Solstice, I realized as Tamlin opened the door to the dark library.

Lucien had come here out of pity. Mercy.

Bruh why? why? wud he underestimate their bond like that? he speaks as if they hadnt been each others only family for centuries

Tamlin claiming an ornate cushioned chair on one side of it. The only thing he had that was close to a throne these days.

oh fck u little shit atleast tamlin doesnt OPPRESS his people!!

“If you’ve come to gloat, you can spare yourself the effort.”

Tamlin is so non-combative here and people still have the audacity to say Rhysie is the bigger male????

“Do you see any sentries around to do it?”

Even they had abandoned him. Interesting. “Feyre did her work

thoroughly, didn’t she.”

THATS NOT SOMETHING TO BE FUCKING PROUD OF RHYSIE

ISTG this asshole someone needs to kick him in the balls. HARD.

I smiled. “Oh, no. That was all her. Clever, isn’t she.”

No sir she is a dumb teenage girl who taught to destroy a court DURING WARTIME?

tbh if Spring wouldn't have fallen the war would have never gone down i said what i said.

I didn’t smile as I countered with, “I suppose you think I should be

thanking you, for stepping up to assist in reviving me.”

“I have no illusions that the day you thank me for anything, Rhysand, is the day the burning fires of hell go cold.”

my boi tamlin is so savage like??

SLAY

Tamlin deserved what he’d brought upon himself, this husk of a life.

He deserved every empty room, every snarl of thorns, every meal he had to hunt for himself.

Seriously? Tamlin, sweetheart, for the love of good kick this man and his bat dick pls.

Tamlin had burned them long ago, Feyre had told me. It made no

difference. He’d been there that day.

I really want to emphasize that Tamlin DID NOT take part in their death.

Had given his father and brothers the information on where my sister and mother would be waiting for me to meet them. And done nothing to help them as they were butchered.

BRO????

U expect a boy to go against his evil, physically abusive father? NO, strike that.

U WANT A BOY TO GO AGAINT A HIGH LORD?

No tell me? how was Tamlin supposed to fight a HIGH LORD and his brother??? Three against one??

And even if he tried to help them? we will never know? we get only rhysie's side of the story never tamlin's pov

“You brought every bit of this upon yourself,”

Yes yes lets go tell a suicidal person he brought every bit of his misery on himself

Yeh lets all applaud him

“You won,” he spat, sitting forward. “You got your mate. Is that not

enough?”

"No."

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK???

MANNNNNNNNNNNNNN

I WANT TO SCRATCH MY EYEBALLS RHYSIE'S EYEBALLS OUT AT THIS POINT

"You deserve everything that has befallen you. You deserve this pathetic, empty house, your ravaged lands. I don’t care if you offered that kernel of life to save me, I don’t care if you still love my mate. I don’t care that you saved her from Hybern, or a thousand enemies before that.”

THIS UNGRATEFUL LITTLE BITCH?!?!?!?!?

PLSSSSSSSSS

Why doesnt he care that tamlin has saved BOTH their lives on MULTIPLE occasions???

at this point 50% of the IC owe their life to tamlin

“I hope you live the rest of your miserable life alone here. It’s a far more satisfying end than slaughtering you.”

well he isnt even strong enough to keep his people in line and not a hair's breath away from rebellion, i doubt he'll be able to slaughter the HL who tore apart Amarantha, who fought a hundred of Hybern's monsters and soldiers in their camp ALONE, at the same time helping feyre escape AND was able to "drag" another highlord to war

*Drops mike*

But Tamlin only stared. And after a heartbeat, his eyes lowered to the

desk. “Get out.”

Ladies and Gentlemen, may I present to you the bigger male

Tamlin didn’t have shields around the house. None to prevent anyone from winnowing in, to guard against enemies appearing in his bedroom and

slitting his throat.

It was almost as if he was waiting for someone to do it.

This breaks my heart so much. No, Tamlimn doesnt deserve this. NO ONE deserves this. Imagine being OKAY with someone being suicidal?!

[blood-injections]

Hang on. Fuck. New suitehearts au and new backstories for it. Okay so technically killjoys like they choose to fight but also like. Total Freaks and nobody in the zones trusts them. Most people dont even know theyre real, the Suitehearts are just a ghost story. But they're real, haunting an abandoned amusement park in the real fringes of the zones, someplace nobody in their right minds would live. You could spend a night there, maybe, and survive, but living there? Its way too irradiated. But it doesn't seem to bother the suitehearts.

They're all.. off. Physically and mentally. They should be dead from radiation, instead they thrive in it. And they're just sane enough to pass as people but really they’re all more than a little Fucked Up, in their heads, in their very cells. They’re more like wild animals. They’re unwell in some way but formidable all the same. The killjoys that do know them are glad they're on their side and not Better Living's.

Benzedrine grew up in death valley, the scorching, radioactive wastelands beyond the zones. His parents were a couple rich fucks that waited out the helium wars in a bunker in the hills by Vegas, he was just a kid. It was.. a mess. The peace between his parents who always had a strained relationship didn't last long. The longer they were stuck in the bunker the more the three of them went mad. His parents refused to tell him what was happening, having shut themselves in the bunker at the first sign of war. He just knows hes stuck in this place and the ground shakes and he wants to see the sun again, he doesnt understand why this is happening. Eventually the television isnt getting any channels and the radios all static and his parents dont know whats happening either. They all get crazier. His parents argue, becoming more violent towards eachother every day. He stays shut in his room, reading the few books he has until he can practically recite them from memory. One day something changes. He hears a gunshot. Then another. He finds his parents dead in their bedroom.

He wants to leave but he grounds still shaking. He knows it isn't safe. He keeps his parent's rooms door shut and pretends that nothing is wrong. They were running out of food but now that its just him it lasts three times as long. Eventually he convinces himelf hes always been alone here, theres not rotting corpses just down the hall. Eventually, months go by without the ground shaking, and he's getting low on rations. He ventures outside. Up into the nuclear sunlight. He knows he has to find somewhere else to go. Hes young, he has no clue what to do, he has no vehicle or anything, but his instincts guide him towards the city on the horizon. That city is familiar, despite the fact that it should be unrecognizable in the ruins it is, he knows its Vegas. He starts walking. After a few days he starts to get sick. It's the radiation. He has no idea he emerged from that bunker straight into an irradiated wasteland. He finds a town, scours it for water. He's getting sicker by the day, something is very wrong with him. He doesn't feel like a kid, he feels like a fucking soldier, pushing through the pain and delirium, still walking as his skin blisters and hair falls out and guts twist, rotting from the inside out. He feels like he should be dead but somehow he stays just well enough to keep going. Eventually he enters a kind of in between state, where he isn’t quite getting worse, but he’s still rotting. He isn't dying but he isn't getting better either.

After a couple weeks he finds the others. Or, well, the others find him. He passes out, from the radiation or sunstroke, could be anything. He probably would've been fine, woken back up after a few hours, maybe a few days, with his throat dry and screaming as the sun sets and the desert cools. But instead he was found, waking up in a van with bandages covering his blistered skin.

Its other kids, that don't feel like kids anymore. He learns about radiation sickness, thats he's lucky to be pulling through it. Sandman, he learns, has a similar story to him, minus the bunker and parents killing eachother. He's from Texas, saw the pig bomb that started the wars fall with his own eyes. The light, the mushroom cloud. The wars started, his dad fought and didnt come home, he drifted through orphages and survivor groups until he decided to run away, hearing about safety to the west. He stole a motorcycle from someone in the group and left. Hes been wandering the wastes for longer than any of them and apparently went through the same sickness from radiation, but not as bad as Benze, or Donnie did, for that matter, since sandman was somewhere where he had medical help when it came. He's.. strange, right off the bat. Quiet and withdrawn one minute loud and boisterous the next. He laughs too much at things that are entirely not funny and he has a dark sense of humor. At night his eyes shine like crazy and his teeth are a bit Too sharp. Apparently he met Crab after a little while. The stolen bike ran out of gas in the middle of the wasteland and he had to walk. Crab came with an old van and picked him out of the sands and they became fast friends. Crabs the oldest of the group behind Donnie, hes the one that acts the oldest, the most responsible. Apparently he just drifted around, driving where his gut took him, scavenging. Sandman told him about the rumors of the far west and they headed out. They found Donnie after a few weeks together, when they stopped at Vegas, daring to venture into the ruins for supplies. They found Donnie, and after a very tense standoff told him about the rumors too and that they had room in their van. Donnie basically went fuck it and decided to join them, but didn't really get along with them until, a couple days later, when they found Benze, picking him out of the static. Benzedrine's a mystery to the rest of them, who all went through the wost of the sickness ages ago, and here he is like the bombs just fell again. He's got it real bad, too. Sandman had it easy, but he’s seen others die of it, rotting from the inside out. Benzedrine doesn't look that bad, but he looks like he should be a lot worse off than he is when he wakes up and demands to know where he is and who they are.

They quickly learn he's a wild animal. They're all broken in some way- Sandman, his shit always dialed to eleven, eyes glowing, harboring a billion secrets he only tells in riddles. Crab, always on edge, paranoid, in the surface he’s the most level headed of the bunch but he’s far from fine. He walks off when they stop to rest at night to be alone and do god knows what, and he goes long periods of time without speaking. Donnies quiet, secretive, grumpy, his eyes glaze over at particularly loud sounds, breath speeding up like hes having a flashback. Other than that, his face always flat, expressionless as he stares into the distance. Something about him feels dangerous.

And Benzedrine, fucked as well. He spent so long convincing himself he was fine and then longer running on autopilot, that when he wakes up, once the panic fades he's all unnerving smiles. He seems way too normal for someone that should be dead. He's always optomistic, except for when hes annoyed or angry. He has moods that last for days sometimes and when hes in one, hes someone else entirely. Snarling like a rabid dog at the littlest things. The sickly little guy gets fucking terrifying.

But he heads west with them and they keep him around and surprisingly, he gets close with Donnie after a few late night talks when their minds are clearest. They have a really weird thing, they dont seem like they’d work but they do, they can basically read eachother's minds. The quiet grumpy one with the far too bright one, and theyre both secretly the opposite. Once Donnie lets Benze in he starts letting the others in and they really start to become a Crew.

They make it to the zones, become killjoys and claim a base where they know they'll be safe, in the borderlands, where neither killjoys nor bli would venture. Because most all the killjoys here, they've got a certain amount of resistance to the radiation, but they'll never walk right into it. But the Suitehearts? They're survivors, they faced the radiation and survived it and now it lives in them and they can live in it. They become urban legends but they're just a crew like anyone else, safe in their freaky amusement park base, all of them Wrong in some way. Crazy bright eyeshine or Sandman's too-sharp teeth or the way the sun and weather and sickness seems to have no effect on Benzedrine. The way Donnie can hear the smallest thing from across a valley or the way Crab could navigate with his eyes closed. All of them changed, and all of their minds fucked, cracked. Wild, unnatural laughter that will give you chills. The way they're all a little too good at killing. The first time Benzedrine did he stared between the gun in his hands and the drac on the ground and smiled, this new thrill something he quickly became obsessed with, blood something he all but hungered for. Think ybc. Literal bloodlust, maybe. An alter ego, where all he can see is red(or, well, I guess it’d be yellow lol). Anyway, the four of them, each a little inhuman in their own ways, strange and deadly.

I'm obsessed with them, radioactive wasteland survivor freaks. They're not quite monsters but they're definitely inhuman in some way. They came back wrong except they didnt come back they were just changed as they survived. Radiation mutations and pstd and mental illnesses and concerning obsessions with blood.

[ask-emile-sdv]

we should go on a date! i know a great spot: the epic the musical livestream tomorrow night (i wrote this as of 8/28) (im not indoctrinating you into my obsession i swear) (please dont call me a theater gay my partner already does TvT) you can hear calypso go ALL WE COULD WANT HERE ALL WE COULD NEED HERE or telemachus going I KNOW LIFE AND FAITH ARE SCARY BUT I WANNA BE LEGENDARY or even zeus singing. zeus's main song is very zeus btw but god games isnt just zeus's song its a song where he gets his kids and wife to be pit against athena its p cool (APHRODITE YOUR LITTLE HIGH AND MIGHTY ODYSSEUS CLAIMS TO LOVE HIS MOTHER BUT LET HER DIE OF A BROKEN HEART HE WAS BUSY FIGHTING MORE LIKE BUSY SPITING THE CYCLOPS LET HIM FEEL THE PAIN THAT HIS MOTHER FELT AND ROT) augh uh. one sec. lemme actually do smth coherent

EPIC: The Musical is an Odyssey retelling and adaptation made by a young man Jorge "Jay" Rivera-Herrans. It started out during lockdown because he had another musical he was working on but due to COVID restrictions it made him and his then-crew unable to continue working. During COVID, however, he wanted to make another musical. And so, for over four years now, he has been writing, casting, and recording EPIC: The Musical. It is a musical sectioned into sagas, five of which being in the first act and the other four being delegated to the second. There have been six sagas released thus far, with the Wisdom Saga, the seventh saga, being released on Friday, August 30th.

Jay has explicitly stated in his videos about the creative process that he takes heavy inspiration for how he conveys plot points and the like from anime and video games, more heavily the latter as he is attempting with EPIC to create a musical that feels like a video game. The way he does this is by giving each saga a boss battle, each with such powerful music to match. In Poseidon's "Ruthlessness" he preaches to Odysseus the true meaning of this world: ruthlessness is mercy upon ourselves, a message that sums up the entire theme of the musical and that is repeated throughout. In Zeus's song titled "Thunderbringer" it repeats his brother's preaching but he didn't explicitly tell him, more showed him by forcing him to choose between making it home to his son and wife--something he said he'd trade the world for in the second song--or saving his crew that had just mutinied moments before. And by the end of the musical, Odysseus has internalized every boss battle and we get to watch him become the final boss from the perspective of those who tried to wrong him and that are getting punished for their actions. By the end of the musical, Odysseus is a heavily changed man and the final song is titled "Would You Fall In Love With Me Again" which is a song to his wife, Penelope. She shows up often in the musical, not often physically, but often pops up because Odysseus proclaims that all he wishes to do is to see his wife and son. Jay assigned each character an instrument, and while I cannot recall each off of the top of my head, Penelope's instrument is a viola. In act two, when we hear the song "Suffering" we can hear something is off because yes this is her voice, but her viola is missing. That minor detail is enough to set off alarm bells in many a fan's head, and it did!

Back to the end of the musical, we get to see a reunion between two lovers, but only after what is a reunion for one and a first meeting for the other--the song between Odysseus and Telemachus, his son. It is one of the most heart-wrenching songs in the musical, just the snippets are enough to move to tears. Odysseus's assigned instrument is a guitar, and for the first time in a while, it is a quiet tune that plays on the guitar used in that song. Just that guitar alone hurts to listen to, at least for me. Anyway, I've waffled on more than enough! Sorry for the ramble, wanted to do something a bit fancier than what i tend to do.

I’m sorry- a date?!

Well- uh- I don’t think we’re THAT close!!!

But… Greek Mythology sounds cool I guess. Even if I’m not really a musical guy. Besides, someone has to look after you, hm?

I GUESS if I have time I might listen…. Only because I don’t have anything to do!

[neurogenesisgirl]

i have been thinking. i tell (text) my best friend, "if i ever do have kids, i think i might rather adopt. i dont want them to suffer from all this chronic illness shit, because i know what thats like."

he answers. "me too" after a second, he follows with: "anger issues are hereditary. my mom, grandma, and me have it; i wouldnt want my kids to have that, because as you said, i know what thats like."

my throat betrays me. i only sit in silence, while he keeps talking about it. i know mental illness is just as bad as physical illness, and even invisibilized, but i cant help but feel... invalidated.

i mean i do not want my kids to inherit all of these health risks, of which ive acquired a copious amount. i mean i do not want my kids to stare at the ceiling at night wondering, "why me? why am i not like the other kids?" i dont want them to be buried in the heavy dirt of endless pain, pain that they'll have to clench their teeth through because thats what society has told them to do. pain that'll never end, because of pointless diagnosis — that burden them more than help them — screaming to them how they will not get out of this, at 9 years old.

i do not want my kids, if i ever have them, to lay awake at night crying, because theyre a "waste of money", because theyre not getting better and theyre not "even trying to", when a familiar incredibly shames them for accepting one candy on a party, at 10 years old.

i dont want them to be put on one hundred pills that specifically KIDS SHOULD NOT BE TAKING, and being gaslighted on side effect statistics; saying it wont affect you. then it does. then they secretly stop taking them, and when their mom finds out, they get a experience they'll never forget. at 11 years old.

i dont want them to face "grown-up talks" about their future, their health, their responsibility on themselves, the way they could even be bounded to rot in a bed if they dont make a change now... at 12. expecting a kid to mature, at twelve. then being yelled at when they start to sob, or try to say how they feel about it.

i do NOT want for them to feel familiar or comfortability on the white silence of a clinic or hospital, i dont want them to feel nostalgic because of that, because they should feel nostalgic because of a mcdonalds playground, not a place where people die, at 13.

the pain, the wheels, wheels of a machine that only exists to perhaps make you suffer more, the endless comparisons with people who have it worse. injections, blackouts, bullying. starting to comprehend all that at 14. knowing its wrong, that a child shouldnt have been exposed to it from a young age, but they cant tell anyone nor say, because they would be hit, hit with a whip of censoring; silencing. by their own parents.

among an ocean of so many things more, i find myself now. 15? when did all that go?

i lost my childhood due to physical illness.

my friend makes a joke, pulling me out of my trance. "we're like ying and yang, dude." he instantly follows with "you deal with physical illness, and i deal with mental illness."

that feels like a sharp stab in the side of my gut.

that makes me realize, isnt this what he has gone through, too? just in his own version. but he has suffered oh so similar things, and he has trusted me to know about it. something he barely does with people.

i laugh. maybe not because i got cheered up, but because i want to hide my internal process going on.

i realized why it felt invalidating.

people can never relate to the honest words of my soul. they always have to change them to their experience, to be able to try and understand. even if — by the book — thats a good way to make people feel less lonely, it makes me feel more lonely.

will i ever meet someone who will understand the deep cries of my insides? someone who will not have to twist its words, anyone with the same perceptive of what ive gone through? not understanding, but comprehending me.

no, i probably wouldnt. because that includes the tiring and vulnerating protocol of opening someones chest with your bare hands, tearing everything on the way, but being careful with each layer; placing them on a desk, to finally hold the darkness of their soul. no one is willing to do that.

im fundamentally different. i have never met someone like me.

even so, i dont blame my friend. we are just teens trying to survive the world.

maybe hes the closest i'll ever get to someone like me.

31 de marzo de 2023

— neurogenesisgirl

[null-doesnothing]

I lost the first draft of this post so bfhsbfbng

anyways I gotchu

it is absolutely shocking how many pieces of Holmesian media (and even posts on this app) entirely misinterpret Holmes and Watson's relationship and dynamic. I'm just a tad convinced its flanderization(like a lot of their minor traits are blown out of proportion for no goddamn reason)? with both of them, but ESPECIALLY Watson. Watson is the least recognized for his actual canonical personality and so adaptations will often just... make shit up about him. unfortunately because of this, the common interpretation with the public is this "hyper annoyed with Holmes, constantly not understanding things" kind of character which is... tbh the opposite of his actual characterization from the books.

Watson is described as being calm and collected, patient, understanding, and best of all INTELLIGENT. he might not fully keep up with Holmes but he's a fast learner, it's part of why Holmes likes him, and part of why Watson likes Holmes

they get eachother on a level nobody else does, and yet a lot of adaptations seem to utterly miss this and make them polar opposites who don't even have an "opposites attract" type deal. they just straight up... don't like eachother. which is disappointing! Watson's constant distaste for Holmes in some adaptations is an attempt at mirroring his occasional (and often fully warranted) annoyance at Holmes in the books which always makes it seem like their friendship is one sided. IT ISNT

In A Study In Scarlet, their dynamic is basically that they are studying eachother somewhat. they don't fully understand eachother yet, but already they like eachother.

past that however they absolutely adore eachother. Holmes is not past praising Watson for any and everything he sees fit, and he simply perceives it as being a natural truth of his best friend.

in the final problem, Holmes' reasoning for letting Watson leave before his death isn't selfishness or trying to seem cool like many adaptations make it seem. he GENUINELY thought he was going to die, he was leaving Watson behind to spare him from potential physical harm because the concept of his Watson dying is so much more repulsive to him than his own death. and Watson is so distraught over Holmes' "death" that The Final Problem reads like the words of a man who's lost his whole life. and, to his credit, he kind of has

Watson constantly seems just. smitten, with Holmes, about everything.

frankly, their love for eachother is so. present. in the original stories. that when I watch something like (and yes, I'm going to dig at it again) the last 2 seasons of Sherlock, I just feel... disappointed. these men are not close, they would not kill or die for eachother like they do in the books. there's a real "tell don't show" feel with the writing where they tell you the 2 care about eachother, but then most of their actions really don't feel that way.

and I complained about this earlier but the amount of posts I've seen of people saying that Watson's version of the empty house is false and he actually beat holmes up or that he should have beat him up is INSANE. it speaks to how people don't understand their relationship that people think Watson would or should have PHYSICALLY HARMED HIS THOUGHT-TO-BE-DEAD BEST FRIEND??

modern holmesian media has rotted the brains of fans. no Holmes and Watson do not mutually dislike eachother. no Watson is not lesser than Holmes. no, they do not fight often. all of that is entirely invented to up the drama of their dynamic and get rid of their original characterizations because show writers are cowards(which, no, this isn't just a complaint I have of BBC Sherlock, though in some of the episodes they definitely show this)

also because so many people refuse to read the books for whatever reason, they often get their information from more fast paced media that doesn't focus on their actual dynamic. I'd say when it comes to more fast paced media, the only thing currently getting their dynamic right (so far) is Sherlock & Co, which has an absolutely lovely vibe for the characters (a lot of people compare them to bbc sherlock, I disagree, its similar in that it's modern and their beginning dynamic is good, but I can't see many similarities past that tee bee aitch)

also just so it doesn't make it seem like I'm just making a hit piece of bbc sherlock again, since ive mentioned it a bunch: the Buckingham Palace scene is so in character I can imagine it being in acd canon, that's the best example of their canon dynamic in the whole show and I think about it fondly almost every day.

tldr: they really really like eachother in canon, and in adaptations they hate eachother because people fuck up their personalities (especially Watson's) and it pisses me off an unnecessary amount

anyone who wants to add, feel very very free to! I'm sure I've missed stuff

"we need a canon johnlock show!!!" most of yall can't even handle them being close friends without making them hate eachother because you fundamentally misunderstand their relationship. sit down (I am entirely willing to expand on this btw if anyone wants me to)

[bnhaficsforthesoul]

BNHA characters and their genshin experiences

I've been way into genshin for the past couple months, if anyone wants to play with me message me (I'm lvl 45 rn) but be warned I have shitty internet and am a partial razor main

but this is mainly characters I can see actually putting time into genshin

Bakugou

Mains: Yanfei

his main has probably been most every pyro character at some point

he wants diluc so bad, whenever someone else complains that diluc ruined their pity he wants to ruin their existence

before yanfei his main was probably hu Tao

hed definitely play klee if he had her lmao but he doesnt and is patiently waiting for her rerun

he has a lot of 5 star characters and is f2p, he can always get banner characters within at least the first pity, but for standard 5 stars hes gotten keqing and qiqi way too many times and hes livid

especially as a previous hu tao main, he was begging for Jean, still has yet to come home

hes probably a very high level, not fully maxed out considering he hasnt been playing all that long, he was probably forced to start when the rest of the bakusquad started playing it and he just took off

has really shitty artifact luck though, like his characters arent bad or anything but they could be so, so much better

and ugh hes livid

explores everything, has 100% exploration everywhere, but hes not bored hes still got artifact farming to do and he enjoys terrorizing enemies

in co op he will set you and everything around you on fire. cope.

Todoroki

Mains: Xiao or Ganyu

probably only started playing because Izuku asked him to

kaeya has also been on his team since day 1 and he is never leaving doesnt matter his friendship has been level 10 for weeks now who cares

was f2p until xiao, who didnt want to come home at all, and he finally got him on his 180th pull

now he doesnt care and will buy primogems whenever hes bored

he has a lot of constellations on kaeya and hes so proud of that, probably c4, is considering buying way too many primogems just so that he can hopefully get his c6

now his artifact luck is godly, you'll go into a domain with him and be like ugh I got nothing and hes like I got a 4 piece set with all attack or crit rate/damage main stats like haha I hate you

but yeah his characters are very strong cause of this, but he doesnt put effort into building a lot of them, he only levels up and gives good artifacts to his team and a couple other characters he likes but everyone else just sits there for a while

hes not super obsessed with the game, but he does think its funny seeing bakugou get so upset whenever they do domains together

doesnt even bother doing daily tasks really unless hes trying to save primogems

Midoriya

Mains: Venti

hes so good at building characters, like he looks up builds online and watches those "do INSANE damage with these tips" videos - and he sets out to get them done and he does

bakugou is once again livid whenever they play together, because Izuku barely has to try and can do so much more damage than him

he does have to put in a lot of work for his artifacts though because he doesnt settle for the okay ones he needs the absolute best

he builds his favorite characters the most ofc, but he evenly distributes things to other characters he knows can be useful- those characters might not have insane stats but they're still good

will not kill timmies pigeons, hell hunt birds in the wild for fun though

definitely a food hoarder

also does a lot of exploring and probably has at least 90% for each area

Kaminari

Mains: Lisa

he is 1000% in love with Lisa, he took her quest very seriously

and so many people say shes horrible, he hates it, hes made her crazy strong out of spite

his team consists of only his wifus- meaning lisa, beidou, rosaria, and mona

for a long time beidou was his second but then rosaria came along and hes like ugh big tiddy goth gf, but lisa still remains queen

these are the only characters hes built though, save for a couple like probably razor and xiangling that he used before he fully got this team

is an ayaka saver

he doesnt care too much about most 5 stars but will sometimes get them just to say he has them, but they end up just sitting there rotting away because he never puts work into them

he does have hu tao though and would get ganyu if she ever had a rerun

Kirishima

Mains: Diluc Razor or Beidou

they're all on his team, the last person switches out but it's most likely zhongli or childe

hes all about dps, support who, he just wants to hit hard and do insane damage , so yes he made dps zhongli

except his builds arent that great, with some help his builds are decent, but on his own hell be like ugh that's some sexy 300 damage

probably didnt know what 90% of the stats even meant and just put random attack ones on people and went yeah that looks good

doesnt really care though and is just having fun so hell play how he wants (as he should) but he does have to ask for help when farming bosses

loves exploring but misses so much, hell get distracted easily and end up just messing around

honestly probably hasnt bothered to ascend his world since he got to level 35, if he did the quest hed probably go straight to 45 and even then hed still have extra exp because hes been there for so long oml

but eventually he would have to and hed be trying to do it like :,) this is fine and it takes him a lot of tries but he gets there eventually,,, only to immediately have another one waiting for him poor baby

Mina

Mains: Klee or Xiangling

thinks baizhu is hot (and is correct) so shes desperately waiting for him

was a I must play 24/7 player until after the last story quest, then she got kinda bored but still plays frequently so she can save primogems and likes playing co op

goes into random peoples worlds a lot

shes got some pretty strong characters and is proud of her account

definitely makes tiktoks of her playing with the bakusquad cause it's always v chaotic (it's probably only denki and kirishima most of the time, but sometimes either bakugou or sero will join in)

does all the genshin tiktok trends

shes a pretty high level since shes probably been playing for a while and has most everything done

she loves helping lower level people though she thinks it's so cute and loves the power she feels when she one shots things

Sero

Mains: Xingqui

hes a pretty casual player, kinda only plays when hes bored or the others make him play with them

but his stats arent too bad, they're fairly average but he gets by

has so many primogems because he doesnt bother to wish on anyone, probably wants kazuha though

he does get super invested into the story though, hes so curious about the world and where the story is gonna lead

probably watches a lot of genshin theory videos and now he over thinks everything in the game

he explores a lot, not so much to find every single thing but more so just because he likes looking at everything, hes very excited for all the new places

Shinsou

Mains: Childe

hes a very thorough player, he explores a lot and puts a lot of work into building his characters

most of them arent all that great but he has plans to fix them

his main team is very well built, not the best, but still good

he struggles when he has to switch someone out for a domain or something because his other characters are so painfully mediocre right now and he feels so bad

shinsou, playing a character that can do like max 200 physical damage and biggest damage is like 2 thousand, repeatedly saying I'm sorry, I'm sorry, you deserve so much better, I'm so sorry

even if it's not the worst damage by far, he feels bad about anything under his main team's stats because they're just so much higher

broke. has no primogems. spent them all on childe and his constellations. does he regret it? well he sure does appreciate his c6 so- hell manage

yes he spent real money on his stupid mass murderer who he loves very much

fights childe every day even though he already collected the treasure, he is but a humble simp

probably decently lucky with wishing like he can beat the 50/50 almost every time

Tamaki

Mains: Chongyun and Sucrose

he only started playing recently, probably kirishima got him into it, but he immediately fell in love

kirishima was like tell me when you're level 16 so we can play together !!! and 2 days later tamaki was level 16 and kiri was shook because how the hell did he do it so fast

hates domains, the dread he feels when he realizes the lower level isnt going to give him anything anymore, and he has to move up to the next, and the next,,

asks kirishima to help him only to realize he isnt much help, is too nice to say that so he let's kiri keep trying- one day kiri gets deku to play with the two of them and tamaki almost cries because finally he can get through the level 90 domain and actually get things ugh

cannot get xingqui to save his life he refuses to come home and poor tamaki is so sad he wants him a lot hes even got all his materials saved up

Monoma

Mains: Ningguang

honestly doesnt play all that much but takes pride in making his account seem v good, is a whale

but hes very good at the game, didnt know what the artifacts were for at first and gave people ones based on how they looked but once he figured it out hes fixed them

is a very standard player, logs in every day to do his commissions and use his resin then logs out, he doesnt put too much time into the game and doesnt worry if he misses a day or two

worships ningguang, also really likes xinyan, his other team members are probably venti and albedo

has every single banner 5 star that has come out since he started playing, probably doesnt have klee though and is v upset about it, and is thanking the heavens for all the reruns lately

also doesnt have keqing and wants her a lot cause he likes her

accepts every single co op request he gets, and despite what a lot may think hes actually a very nice person to play with, not toxic at all - unless you're someone he knows then he might be mean to you shshshsh

Shigaraki

Mains: Razor

haha isnt it so odd that they sound so similar haha (if you dont know they have the same japanese va and I'm guessing hed play it in Japanese)

obviously he can be kinda busy ya know being a criminal and all that but when hes not he puts a lot of time into genshin

sadly doesnt have very good luck when it comes to characters or artifacts, but hes doing his best even with 0 primogems and his 50% crit rate

doesnt explore all that much, most of the exploring hes done came from him trying to get all the oculus

his razor is so good though, except that's the only character hes put tons of effort into

except for now zhongli, hes not replacing razor but ugh does he love zhongli

but his other characters are pretty mediocre at best, he could build them if he wanted to, hes good enough at gaming to figure it out, he just doesnt have the time to spend to do it so he focuses on his main team

also (spoiler alert kinda) when we had to go to the wolf spirit to fight the abyss herald and razor was there, afterwards how razor was saying how he was too weak and stuff and was super sad, at that very moment shiggy decided the entire abyss order had to be destroyed - sorry aether (he chose lumine) but razor is more important than you

[uwuowotf2waslife]

Do you have one with crippling depression yet? Like they stop eating, stop moving, always nearing tears but bottles them up, becomes emotionally numb, not really finding the joy in life in anyway? There’s nothing physical that caused it, it’s just isolation, loneliness, or guilty memories catching up with you. I’m uh, not doing so good right now and your writing is a really good pick-me-up. Can you write it? Please? It’s fine if it’s too triggering, I can understand. Have a good day, or night.

My inbox is always open my dude, and im more than thankfull for your words

(this will be about a merc and a S/O, hmu if you meant about team dynamics)

You are poetry, 

stay safe & hydratated

tw: depression

Scout: (っ◔◡◔)っ ♥ not the most emotional mature of the mercs; even himself admits that he is pretty immature even for his age (early 20s), but this doesn’t means he doesn’t have empathy or that he doesn’t care about his S/O. He sees you suffering and he is big time worried. He tries to motivate you, drag you out of your bed and do something fun or at least go and buy some food. He will get annoying but he can’t just sit there and watch you rot. He is a hands-on guy, he might not understand why you are acting up like this, but at the same time he doesnt know how he can approach you. He will try to hug you tighter and bring you food and water, his shoulders can be a pillow for you to cry all day and night long and his hands are there to wipe off the tears from your face. He hates seeing his bby sad and would give half his Tom Jones memorabilia for you to wake up one day and be your old, happier self ♥

Soldier: (っ◔◡◔)っ ♥ although his social skills are in scarcity, he isnt a traitor. He sees his S/O down ( mentally) and it pains him to an unimaginable extent  to see you so unmotivated . He doesn't understand why are you sad, what has happened? Did that crazy Kraut touched you? who he needs to snap the neck? He hates seeing you like this. Will be stubborn, just because he doesnt understand something it doesnt mean he can't find a way around. In the end, he will push you enough to actually break down and explain everything that has happened. For the first time in years hes just silent, he broke the dam and he is beyond ashamed of making you break down like this. He doesn't what to do so for now he will hold you as tight as he can and promise in America and whatever is holy and pure in him that he will help you untill you are again okay. ♥

Pyro: (っ◔◡◔)っ ♥ they know that you are sadder than before and they can see you points of view. They themselves know that life sometimes just sucks and that its okay not to want to eat or leave your bed. But they are also afraid that whatever is plaguing you it will become worse and worse and they really don’t want to see you hurting yourself like they once did. They try helping you do simple things, drink a glass of water, play a bit with their stuffed animals, theyll help you brush your hair or wash your face. They know they baby you, but they think you need a bit more of some more smootches or cuddles. If they see you worsening or being even less active they will drag you their pillowfort and just try to keep you as close them while chanting sweet nothings and sad mumbles, please don’t loose yourself like they did. ♥

Engie: (っ◔◡◔)っ ♥ he might be a cruel, cold man when hes on the field, but in reallity he is the cinnamon roll meme( he is a cinnamon roll and he might kill you tho but he is mostly a cinammon roll). He knows also that work and his projects take a really big amount of his time so he already feels very guilty. I doubt he has any humanitarian doctorates, but he has an above average understanding of human psychology; whats the point of trying  to emulate life when you cant understand it?He knows he can't address it straightforward, but he needs to get you over this slump before you do something really stupid. Que him cleaning up his workshop and carrying you there bridal style. He has a small nest of pillows and blankets and right next to it his trusted guitar.You have the whole night and the day after to spend it together and get in the bottom of the barrel. Itll be hectic but he is a very patient man and loves ya to bits ♥

Demo: (っ◔◡◔)っ ♥ lowkey one of the mercs with the most expierence with depression/ depressive episodes. For once in his life he doesnt drink and tries to find the rute of the problem, if there is of course or its just pent up anger and frustation with things that have happened in your life now or in the present. In simple, you will talk. For hours if needed. He wont drink a sip becausehe doesnt want to forget even the stupidest detail from your venting. In the end, he will offer you to drink but he will drag you out of the base/ house and make you sit in the front porch/ garden  while he has set up some “ festive” fireworks ( just some small ones that erupt and turn into hearts) . He isnt the ideal psychological perfection, but if you chosed the scottish cyclops for your mate, then he shall go to the man and back just to see you smile one more time. ♥

Heavy: ˜”*°•.˜”*°• he has seen depression and has experienced it himself. It was way too traumatic for a young man to have to support a family without a father figure around. I highly headcanon him to have deppresion hence the sandwich, hes bingining while staying in the battlefield. He doesnt care about the language barrier, in order for the both of you to be as close as you are know, it means you understand eachother to a satysfying extent. He will cook you a very hearty meal and bring it to your bed with a tray and sweet tea. You can eat in silence with him simply staying by your side and rub your back, words can’t potray how he feels right now. Once you finished hell put the dishes outside and simply cuddle you ( being the least cuddly of the mercs, it means a lot). You can nap, cry, trace patterns on his sculp anything really. All his life the main cause of depression was the anarchy surrounding his life, he needs you to feel protected. He doesn’tcare how much time it will take, but he will rip the mountains apart to seeyou smile out of genuine happiness, might even cry if he is the cause. •°*”˜.•°*”˜

Medic: (っ◔◡◔)っ ♥ the most medically, again qualified from the group. so he has at least that covered. He isn’t stupid, you show clear signs of cronic clinical depression ( also known as manic depression) and although it has been a long while before finding a patient to lobotomize, hed be damned if he ever butchered you up like that. He is a healer, even if enjoys his enemies to hurt a little more than they should, and a healer is here to help both the body and the mind. Will persuade you into getting under medication, even if he knows theyll have little to no effecthe just hopes the placebo effect will motivate you. He tries to mix your routine with his, ex. he wakes up really early when you finnaly after hours of insomnia fell asleep, hell tuck you in and kiss your forehead. Throughout the day hell send Scout or Heavy to bring you food or water or your medications. Pyro will be by your doorstep or you side, to keep you company during the day. At night he will carry you to the medbay and do all the talking for you if you dont feel like talking, he will listen to all of your venting. Lowkey will sit you on his lap so he can rub your back and let you cry/ just sit there, to feel his heardbeat on your face and relax. ♥

Sniper: (っ◔◡◔)っ ♥    𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘮𝘢𝘯, 𝘸𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘣𝘦𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘥𝘰𝘰𝘳𝘮𝘢𝘵. 𝘉𝘦𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘮𝘦𝘢𝘯𝘴 𝘩𝘦 𝘢𝘭𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘥𝘺 𝘩𝘦 𝘤𝘢𝘳𝘦𝘴 𝘸𝘢𝘺 𝘵𝘰𝘰 𝘮𝘶𝘤𝘩 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘺𝘰𝘶. 𝘈𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘣𝘦𝘨𝘪𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘩𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘮𝘢𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘶𝘯𝘩𝘢𝘱𝘱𝘺 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘸𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘨𝘰𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘰 𝘣𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘬 𝘶𝘱 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘩𝘪𝘮, 𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘰𝘯𝘤𝘦 𝘩𝘦 𝘴𝘦𝘦𝘴 𝘩𝘦 𝘪𝘴 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘧𝘢𝘶𝘭𝘵 , 𝘩𝘦 𝘪𝘴 𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘤𝘦𝘳𝘯𝘦𝘥, 𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺 , 𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘤𝘦𝘳𝘯𝘦𝘥. 𝘏𝘦 𝘵𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘴 𝘵𝘰 𝘬𝘦𝘦𝘱 𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘧𝘦𝘴𝘴𝘪𝘰𝘯𝘢𝘭 𝘸𝘢𝘺𝘴 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘬𝘦𝘦𝘱𝘴 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘢𝘺 𝘩𝘦 𝘥𝘪𝘥, 𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘩𝘦 𝘪𝘴𝘯𝘵 𝘱𝘪𝘤𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘶𝘱 𝘦𝘹𝘵𝘳𝘢𝘴 𝘢𝘯𝘺𝘮𝘰𝘳𝘦. 𝘖𝘯𝘤𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘣𝘢𝘵𝘵𝘭𝘦 𝘪𝘴 𝘰𝘧𝘧 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘈𝘥𝘮𝘪𝘯𝘪𝘴𝘵𝘳𝘢𝘵𝘰𝘳 𝘩𝘢𝘴 𝘢𝘯𝘯𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘤𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘪𝘯𝘯𝘦𝘳, 𝘩𝘦 𝘴𝘢𝘺𝘴 𝘱𝘰𝘭𝘪𝘵𝘦𝘭𝘺 𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘨𝘰𝘰𝘥𝘣𝘺𝘦𝘴 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘬𝘴 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘮𝘦𝘥𝘪𝘤 ( 𝘢𝘭𝘸𝘢𝘺𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘬 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘭𝘦𝘳𝘴 𝘬𝘪𝘥𝘴), 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘩𝘦𝘴 𝘰𝘧𝘧 𝘵𝘰 𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘴𝘮𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘤𝘢𝘮𝘱𝘦𝘳 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘚/𝘖 𝘪𝘯𝘴𝘪𝘥𝘦. 𝘏𝘦 𝘸𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘴𝘩𝘰𝘸𝘦𝘳 𝘧𝘪𝘳𝘴𝘵( 𝘩𝘦 𝘴𝘮𝘦𝘭𝘭𝘴 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘱𝘪𝘴𝘴 , 𝘴𝘸𝘦𝘢𝘵 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘣𝘭𝘰𝘰𝘥 0/10 𝘸𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥𝘯𝘵 𝘳𝘦𝘤𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘯𝘥) 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘩𝘶𝘨 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘴𝘰 𝘵𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘤𝘢𝘯 𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘳 𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘣𝘰𝘯𝘦𝘴 𝘤𝘳𝘢𝘤𝘬. 𝘏𝘦 𝘸𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘩𝘦𝘭𝘱 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘶𝘱 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘮𝘢𝘬𝘦 𝘵𝘦𝘢 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦 𝘥𝘪𝘯𝘯𝘦𝘳, 𝘪𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘩𝘶𝘨 𝘩𝘪𝘮 𝘧𝘳𝘰𝘮 𝘣𝘦𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘥 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘨𝘪𝘷𝘦𝘯 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘧𝘢𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘦𝘴𝘵 𝘰𝘧 𝘬𝘪𝘴𝘴𝘦𝘴 𝘰𝘳 𝘮𝘢𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘴 𝘰𝘯 𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘣𝘢𝘤𝘬 𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘵𝘢𝘬𝘦 𝘢 𝘯𝘰𝘵𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘮𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘯𝘵 𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘥𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘣𝘢𝘴𝘪𝘤𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘥 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘨𝘪𝘷𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘴𝘮𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘬𝘪𝘴𝘴𝘦𝘴 𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘧𝘢𝘤𝘦. 𝘏𝘦 𝘩𝘢𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘣𝘦 𝘢 𝘭𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘸𝘰𝘭𝘧 𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘭𝘪𝘧𝘦, 𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘩𝘦 𝘧𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘥 𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘮𝘢𝘵𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘰𝘯’𝘵 𝘭𝘦𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘮 𝘥𝘰𝘸𝘯 𝘯𝘰𝘸. ♥

Spy: (っ◔◡◔)っ ♥     actually he isn’t that mentally mature as much as he strives to be. He has very unhealthy copying mechanisms, he fucks and smokes his torments away, but he also knows different people have different copying mechanism and he cant judge how people seek comfort. He doesnt know how to help yo, he really does but he doesnt know. He is nervous but he will probably suggest you two take a vacation away, together. He has planned it all fancy and nice, and pretty much has scanned the whole place/ area/resort you are staying and having “ friends” around. He doesnt care if you just stay all day in the resorts pool and just chill around drinking pina coladas. In the middle of your vacations, he will take you to a more secluded area and will open up about his issues , not about your relationship but about him as a person. He has many issues and he is a very difficult person to be around, so you haveto know he will never judge you. But he also doesnt know how to help you. This will make you hug him and you two can finnaly have a good, well-earned cry. Kiss him on the nose or on his head and tell him how much all this means to you and he will cry you a river and hold you till the dayhe dies, how can someone so late in his life means so, just so damn much? ♥  

[inevitably-johnlocked]

hi steph!! im looking for some domestic johnlock, could you direct me to some?? i want my heart to burn from the domesticity bahaha

Hi Lovely!!

BWAH OF COURSE I HAVE DOMESTIC JOHNLOCK. A huge list of them in fact, and I just checked my offline list and I can totally update the lists with some new fics I’ve recently filed! :D

DOMESTIC JOHNLOCK Pt. 5

See also:

Platonics and Domestics

Platonics & Domestics Pt 2 / Hugs, Cuddles & Kisses Pt. 3 / Tooth-Rotting Fluff Pt. 5 / Love Confessions, Slow Burn & Dev. Rel. Pt. 2 / Established Relationship Pt. 3

Platonics / Bromance / Friendship Pt. 3 

Domestic Johnlock Pt. 4

And When The Night Is Over by Simply Isnt On (K, 329 w., 1 Ch. || Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, Platonic Bed Sharing / Not Slash) – Sherlock and John sleep together.

You Should Have Let Me Sleep! by theraggedypond (T, 1,542 w., 1 Ch. || Humour, Sleepy Sherlock, Cranky Sherlock, Domestics) – After a three day case with no sleep and hardly any food, Sherlock is recovering from it by playing comatose. John finds out what happens when you wake up London’s favorite consulting detective.

Happy Birthday John by Starlight05 (K, 1,580 w., 1 Ch. || Humour, Friendship, John’s Birthday, Shopping, 3rd Person POV John) – When an important date comes up, Sherlock finds himself doing something he never has before - shopping! But will he succeed and manage to get his best friend a present?

Baskerville After Dark by Ttime42 (T, 1,921 w., 1 Ch. || THoB, Friendship, Humor, Bed Sharing, Missing Scenes, Cranky John, Cuddles) – John and Sherlock have to share a bed at Baskerville. Gen, but can be preslash.

Nothing Left Untouched by ForeverShippingJohnlock (K+, 2,617 w., 1 Ch. || Friendship, Romance, Bed Sharing, Oblivious Sherlock, Anxious/Worried Sherlock, Grumpy John, Fluff and Cuddles) – Sherlock rearranges the flat. So what if John’s bedroom is now a research library. It’s not like John needs a bedroom, he can share with Sherlock. They’re friends and John has obviously slept in close quarters with men before and it’s not like Sherlock sleeps much anyway. It’ll be fine.

Insomnia by TheSingingGirl (K+, 2,635 w., 1 Ch. || Friendship, Humour, Bed Sharing, Sleepy Sherlock) – Sleep is merely the next frontier in what has become the battle to keep Sherlock alive. It’s because of this that John ends up in bed with a sociopath.

The General Idea by agirlsname (T, 3,022 w., 1 Ch. || Retirement, Promise of Forever / Proposal, POV John, First Kiss, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Soft Sherlock, Idiots in Love, Crying / Emotional Sherlock, Love Confessions) – After twenty years of friendship, John is used to Sherlock acting weirdly. But the news Sherlock finally brings himself to deliver change the carefully built dynamics between them, and John realises it’s time to act.

It’s Just Another Birthday by Vintage Tea Party (K, 3,207 w., 2 Ch. || Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Sherlock’s Birthday, Sherlock 3rd Person POV) – When John makes a birthday cake for Sherlock he thinks its an innocent enough gesture. But nothing is ever normal with Sherlock and this isn’t just another birthday.

Human Body Pillow by Lunavere (K, 4,122 w., 1 Ch. || Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, Five and Ones, Sleepy Johnlock, Bed Sharing) – A story about the five times John fell asleep on Sherlock, and the one time Sherlock fell asleep on him.

Sleepless nights by El loopy (T, 5,467 w., 3 Ch. || Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Nightmares, Panic Attack, Worried Sherlock) – Sherlock has a nightmare and John wants to know what it was about. Set during season 1. Three-shot.

On Favors and Keeping Score by Ewebie (G, 7,622 w., 1 Ch. || Hurt/Comfort, Sick Fic, Fluff, John Whump) –  John woke up to the horribly unpleasant sound of his clock alarm. Which meant he’d slept through his phone’s alarm. And for a moment he glared blearily at the noisemaker before smacking at it with his palm. Ugh, he felt like rubbish. The back of his throat was burning with the irritation that heralded a proper dose, his nose was threatening to drip every few seconds, and he had the uncomfortable flush that normally suggested a fever. Nothing high, just uncomfortable. Nothing deadly, just irritating. Nothing worth calling in sick with, just a full day of discomfort in the face of other people’s discomfort. It was going to be a day where he was forced to bite his tongue from telling people off. “You’re not as sick as I am, so off you pop.” Part 7 of Tumblr Shorts

Sometimes When We Touch by kedgeree (M, 7,755 w., 6 Ch. || Post-TRF, First Kiss/Time, Inappropriate Giggling, Romance, Friends to Lovers, Virgin Sherlock, John Whump, Touching) – John might be touching Sherlock a little more often than is strictly necessary. Sherlock probably hasn’t even noticed. Right…?

You fit me, Sherlock Holmes by orphan_account (G, 10,077 w., 1 Ch. || It’s An Experiment, Bed Sharing, Slow Burn, Fluff and Angst, Idiots in Love, Mutual Pining, Questionable Science) – An unfortunate series of events leads to John accepting being a part of Sherlock’s study in physical intimacy. As the days pass by, John realizes he might be in for more than he bargained for. He doesn’t entirely mind.

London Gods by a_different_equation (E, 11,092 w., 5 Ch. || American Gods Fusion || Magical Realism, Sex Magic, True Love, PTSD John, First Kiss/Time, Marathon Sex, Sensuality, Genie Sherlock, Human John, Internalized Homophobia, Star-Crossed Lovers, Soul Mates) – Sherlock Holmes is a jinn who does not grant wishes. However, when Dr. John H. Watson, recently returned from the war in Afghanistan, gets into his cab by “accident”, it might not even need magic to grant both men their deepest wish: love.

A Silver Sixpence by _doodle (NC-17, 16,400 w., 2 Ch. || LJ Fic || For a Case / Case Fic, Fake Relationship, Humour, Romance, Marriage Proposal, Awkward Idiots, Cuddling, Touching, Kissing, Love Confessions, Bed Sharing, Friends to Lovers, Fake Until It’s Not, Schmoop and Fluff, Bottomlock) – “John, we need to get married. It’s for a case, not any romantic notions on my part pertaining to our partnership,” Sherlock said, with brutal honesty, and without even looking up.

The Winter Garden by Callie4180 (T, 31,213 w., 13 Ch. || Post-S4, Retirement, Christmas, Slow Burn, Grown-Up Rosie, Parenthood, Rosie’s Cat, Angst with Happy Ending, Holidays, Beekeeping, Magical Realism, Sherlock POV, Sherlock’s Violin, Future Fic, Sussex, Honey, Magical Healing Honey, Love Confessions, Sherlock’s Scar, First Kiss, Touching) – As Sherlock nears the end of his career, he’s given the gift of a cottage in Sussex. The honey from the beehives out back is amazing. Almost… magical.

carrying up his morning tea by darcylindbergh (E, 34,504 w., 5 Ch. || Post S3, Minor Character Death, Grief/Mourning, Wakes/Funerals, Estranged John, Pining Sherlock, Depression/Insecurity, Slow Burn, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Chronic Pain/Injury, Reconciliation, Awkwardness, Loneliness, Scars, Angst With Happy Ending) – His fingers tremble as he dials and he can’t force them steady. Familiar number, even though he hasn’t used it in two years. He isn’t even sure he should be calling it now, but she’d asked. She’d made him promise.

Proving A Point by elldotsee & J_Baillier (E, 186,270 w., 28 Ch. || Me Before You Fusion || Medical Realism, Insecure John, Depression, Romance, Angst, POV John, Sherlock Whump, Serious Illness, Doctor John, Injury Recovery, Assisted Suicide, Sherlock’s Violin, Awkward Sexual Situations, Alcoholism, Drugs, Idiots in Love, Slow Burn, Body Image, Friends to Lovers, Hurt / Comfort, Pain, Big Brother Mycroft, Intimacy, Anxiety, PTSD, Family Issues, Psychological Trauma, John Whump, Case Fics, Loneliness, Pain) – Invalided home from Afghanistan, running out of funds and convinced that his surgical career is over, John Watson accepts a mysterious job offer to provide care and companionship for a disabled person. Little does he know how much hangs in the balance of his performance as he settles into his new life at Musgrave Court.

[krpk-remaking]

pairo

a kurapika character study and a speculation on his future

the first time he thinks about specifically pairo in a while is, when the little kid hes just met jumps off the boat to save the sailor.

he and leorio grab hold of gon before the ocean swallows him and he cant help but think back to when pairo grabbed hold of him, damaging his legs and eyes in the fall because then, no one had grabbed them.

it makes him wonder what pairo would be like if he was still alive today - a stupid thought, he knows.

he‘ll never find out.

he tags along with gon.

he tells himself that its not because he reminds him of pairo in a way.

leorio joins them, too.

they fight some more, petty arguments that adults wouldnt have.

probably, because they arent, even if they pretend to be.

they reach the hunter exams.

he tells leorio.

not every detail but enough. and he finds out, that leorios lost a friend too - maybe gon reminded him of that lost friend too. it hurts to be reminded so much of pairo but he deals with it.

he distracts himself.

as always.

maybe leorios sillyness helps.

he cant be weak right now. they reach trick tower.

he sees the spider tattoo.

he KNOWS its fake but its enough.

leorio deals with the aftermath.

then, no pairo for a few days.

they finish trick tower and take on the island.

he finds leorio, then gon finds them.

its only when both of them nearly die, that he is reminded of the loss hes experienced.

but gon doesnt loose hope so neither does he.  

its so painfully pairo, to not loose hope. they all get through the challenge, him, gon, leorio, and killua too. hanzo breaks gons arm.

he doesnt understand how someone could just break a kids arm.

both he and leorio. later, killuas older brother reveals himself.

he wont let him hurt any children.

leorio and hanzo stand by his side. gon wakes up, they go to get killua, and once again gon reminds him of pairo too much.

then, separation.

he thinks less of individual loss.

revenge takes up his mind without any distractions around.

he learns nen, makes his chains, gets the job, goes to york new city.

people tell him the revenge will destroy him

he doesnt really care.

he thinks about them sometimes but not too much, he needs to stay focused.

melody knows now, too.

shes trustworthy he guesses.

no way to hide it from her either way.

he doesnt really care.

its september first and he doesnt go to meet them. leorio calls and he tells him hes busy with work.

he kills his first spider and its worse than he thought itd be.

he prays and for the first time in months, thinks about pairo again.

the spiders know him as the chain user now and theres no going back.

he doesnt really care.

nothing else in his life but revenge now.

too much happens, but he gets the eyes and thats what counts.

the spiders fake their death and he meets the others in the park.

he didnt realize how much hed missed them and laughs, for the first time in a long while.

he finds out that the spiders are alive.

gon leorio and killua insist on helping and he cant stop them.

he knows hed care if something happened to them and he hates it.

he takes the leader.

they send pakunoda.

he binds both of their nens.

he falls into a fever and pairos there again.

he sees him in hallucinations and the guilt kills him.

if hed been more careful and stayed away from the cliff, pairo wouldnt have saved him, wouldnt have been hurt, wouldve been able to leave to the outside with him, would still be alive.

its a selfish wish.

the survivors are the ones that bear most of the pain he knows this.

its selfish to wish this fate on another person, just so he wouldnt be alone.

he never did find that doctor for pairo.

when he wakes up from agony filled fever dreams, for only minutes at a time, leorio is there.

melody too sometimes.

often, leorio is sleeping, leaned against the wall next to him but when he isnt, leorio makes him drink water and swallow pills.

it hurts his throat.

cant he just go back to sleeping?

melody tells him that the nostrade girl is alright.

he wont loose his job.

he‘ll get the eyes.

all of them.

thanks to leorio, his fever goes away.

he thanks him.

but he wonders if leorio wouldve been able to help pairos eyes and legs.

leorio lost a friend and dealt with it by doing his best to not let anyone ever die again.

he lost his entire clan and dealt with it through pure destruction.

if it had only been pairo alone, maybe hed be training to be a doctor right now, too.

but he isnt that noble.

he knows that everyone was right and that the revenge is making him rot from the inside but theres no going back now.

hes gone back to not caring again.

its better to not care.

when he leaves, he doesnt tell gon and killua.

theyre kids, they shouldnt be involved in all this.

he cant get away without telling leorio, though.

he lies and tells him, theyll all reunite soon, but he knows they wont.

its better that way.

leorio pulls melody aside and tells her to take care of him.

he pretends he doesnt hear them.

how selfrighteous of leorio.

he goes back to his job.

starts hunting down the remaining eyes.

keeps climbing the ranks in the nostrade family.

hes good and they know.

leorio tries calling him, a lot.

he never picks up.

why wont he just take the hint.

its better to not get close.

he doesnt admit it, but its nice to know that leorio cares.

he misses them.

the chimera ants happen and he hears on the news.

it doesnt concern him.

leorio still tries to call.

the chimera ants are dealt with.

someone died.

its the chairman he thinks.

leorio tries to call him a few times, again.

he sends texts too but he doesnt read them.

he doesnt have time.

he cant get close.

they shouldnt get close.

its too late, he figures, so maybe „they shouldnt get any closer than they already are“ is a better wording.

he hasnt thought about anything but revenge for so long.

he hasnt thought about just pairo for a while.

its nicer that way.

replacing any sadness with anger keeps him from crying.

mizai shows up.

joining the zodiacs seems useful to get the remaining eyes.

he finally answers one of leorios calls.

he cant give him his email.

too close.

mizai knows enough already.

hes thankful to, and for leorio.

he doesnt get why leorio still does all this, after everything he has tried to push him away.

then, prince woble.

she has little personality yet, shes a baby, but exactly because of that, shes the least rotten person hes met.

he sees the fear in queen oitos eyes and he promises her that he will protect them.

he doesnt lie for a change.

again, everything happens so fast.

they board the ship, everything spirals out of control.

if he keeps using emperor time, he‘ll be dead by the end of the week and he knows this.

leorio is there too but he doesnt see him.

he blacks out once, because he overused nen and bill nearly calls a doctor.

he wouldnt admit it, ever, he feels selfish to even think it, but it wouldve been nice to see leorio again.

theres too much going on to think of pairo.

a few princes die, others learn nen.

a big fight breaks out a few decks under his but he doesnt care, he focuses on prince woble and protecting her.

then, queen oito dies.

he feels it in every last bit of his body.

they were still connected through emperor time and he feels the sensation of death.

hes with melody and bill when it happens.

they were on break.

how stupid of him to think he deserves to rest.

he uses his last strenght to tell them that they need to get to queen oito and he sees bill sprinting away before his vision goes dark.

he doesnt die.

why should he, his body is still in more or less good condition.

but he knows death now.

when he wakes up, leorio is there.

panic overcomes him but leorio tells him to rest and that prince woble is alive.

leorio looks so, so angry, that a mother had to die to protect a baby from a unnecessary war over a stupid throne.

he would be too, but hes just become too good at turning his emotions off.

he tells him that hisoka killed most of the spiders until the woman with pink hair landed the final blow on him.

its only her and killuas younger sibling now.

he feels weirdly empty, and relieved at the same time.

its the most hes felt in a while.

he gets better fast and leaves again.

leorio tries to hug him goodbye but he pretends he doesnt notice and turns away.

leorio tells him to be careful.

„okay“ he lies.

then the sucession war is over.

somehow, prince woble is still alive and he is too.

thanks to leorio, probably.

hes gotten a lot stronger and better at using nen.

prince fuugetsu has the throne now, offiially.

shes griefstrucken but shes managing.

hes thankful to her kind nature and melodys newfound connection to her.

without her, they couldnt have faked prince wobles death.

then he goes to retrive the eyes from prince tsnedderichs chamber, leaves woble in melodys care for a bit.

leorio insists on coming with him, as emotional support.

he tells him he doesnt need it but leorio insists.

he regrets not being more forceful.

he regrets so, so much

its pairo again.

its his head.

the prince had his head in a jar, the middle piece to the missing eyes.

he stares into pairos dead eyes and for the first time in years, actually cries.

he thought that by now, he might have forgotten how to cry but he hasnt.

he screams and cries and everything just spills out.

he just cant grasp how someone could murder a child, cut off their head, and sell it.

he cant.

he hates how he cares.

leorio tries to hold him and he pushes him away, this time literally, but leorio is physically stronger than him.

he cries and punches and kicks leorio but he doesnt let go.

eventually he blacks out and he guesses that leorio carried him back to the med bay because thats where he wakes up.

leorio is once again asleep in a chair next to him.

theres a huge box next to him and kurapika knows whats in it.

oh the irony of it all.

finally a doctor who maybe couldve helped pairo and pairo is even here.

but its too late and pairo is dead and gone and its his fault.

he knows the spiders are truly at fault but you cant get rid of guilt that sits deep in your soul that easily.

he just lays there and thinks, of pairo and everything thats happend since he swore revenge, now eight years ago.

pairo made him promise to have fun, back then, before he left.

he never got to ask him if he did have fun.

melody comes in, holding woble and her eyes widen with happiness when she see that hes awake.

he holds a finger to his mouth and points at leorio.

she just smiles, sits down on the other chair.

then hands him woble.

the prince is sleeping, too.

she smiles in her sleep.

he looks at the sleeping baby, looks at melody, the sleeping leorio, thinks of gon and killua who are waiting back home, and smiles back at the child.

if pairo could still ask if he had fun, kurapika would truthfully say yes.

[tobebugjewce]

nightmare log

i dont remember the exact night i had this nightmare but strap in because its very detailed;

it starts off with me traversing an old crumbling building, it only has two or three floors, and me and my sister are leading a group of strangers. we’re all carrying flashlights, either its night time or the building interior is very poorly lit. its dusty, old-smelling and nearly every other surface is covered in thick cobwebs. we barely get a couple minutes into exploring until something happens; it feels like a bomb strikes the building, i dont know for sure but all i do know is the ground shook and there was smoke everywhere, and there was a really really faint small sounding alarm, almost as if it was coming from a long distance away. it was still audible though. my sister and i traverse the even worse state of this building, its now blocked up more than it was before, some rooms are impossible to enter or you have to crouch down to crawl underneath the collapsing walls. we move forward and the group of people that were following us stay behind, theyre very adamant about staying and NOT going further, theyre scared, terrified. we have no idea what for, so we keep going. we go up into a second floor, i think, but all i know is in the dusty, old, wooden floorboards match the doors of the rooms in the second floor. i crack open a door and it creaks so loudly, its so so dark in the room i look into, and in the room is a small wire framed metal bed, like ones you woudl see in an orphanage or an asylum. or a prison. i see a huge lump on the bed, wrapped in a linen blanket, it looks like a body. it is a body. its a frail, old old woman. she sits up and looks around, shes confused. lost. her eyes are sunken and she looks like shes been alive for more than a human should be. she blindly looks around, and she asks me “natalia?” its all she says. i say no, im sorry. im not natalia. my sister looks into another room as i close the door to the old womans room. she finds an empty room, and i go to the last one, its a weirdly small upper floor considering the downstairs areas were much much larger. theres only 3 rooms in this upper floor. i go to the other door that my sister isnt looking in, and i see the exact same layout as the old womans, except this time its an old man, just as old, just as frail and skeletal. he asks the same thing, “natalia???” i say no again, and that im sorry, im not her. i walk down the stairs, which feels like im in a different area, like the path behind me is an opposite staircase, but i walk down and go towards a door, one i assume to be the exit. its not. or at least i wouldnt have known because i hear my sister screaming for me, shes shouting so i turn around, but as soon as i turn my head, the building is different. its stark white. its clean, bright, too bright. there’s people walking around, in business clothing. dress shirts, slacks, pencil skirts, ties, holding clipboards wtih papers on them. there’s a woman that stands out, because not only is she dressed in an all white jumpsuit, shes frantically scribbling on the wall, which is a chalkboard, whcih i only noticed when i stepped closer. its like i was suddenly transported into an optical illusion. i tried stepping closer to the scraggly looking woman, her hair was frizzy, and she had a lot of it. she looked like she got struck by lightning because of how much her hair was sticking up and around and looking frazzled. she looked frazzled. i feel like i was looking at someone who wasnt natalia, but maybe knew her. or knew what was going to happen. she was scribbling nonsense on the walls, not words, not drawings, just sprawling lines and circles. i could sense that she felt like the only sane person in the building, despite looking like the most deranged one. i blink and suddenly the building is crumbled again. im back. i dont hear my sister anymore. the door i thought was the exit hasnt changed, but i was right, it was an exit. and i think now this is perfect, we can get the group out. we can get out. we go back up to see the old people again, it was exactly the same as last time. i open a door and i see the old woman again, she sits up again, she asks the same thing again. “natalia?” i dont answer her, i just close the door. i can still hear her frantically asking “natalia? natalia?” through the wall. the old man is exactly the same. i open the door, he sits up, he asks “natalia?” i close the door. i feel weirdly angered. my sister and i go back down to where the group was hiding, we have to go through a small hole in a closet to find them. we move to get them out, but i open the “exit” door, and suddenly im outside. im on a street, farther away from the building. it looks weirdly new again. like im back to where it was before it was a crumbled abandoned mess. i apparently was running, i feel like im escaping something. someone. im suddenly back inside the building. right in front of the door again. i step forward to try to leave, but i physically feel a restriction. i step back and feel warbled as im realizing im not in the pristine white building anymore, its rubble again. i step forward and feel like im pushing past a barrier, the more force i exude, the whiter and newer the building becomes. like im stepping into an illusion, a false reality where this building is back to its glory days, not a broken abandoned mess that only contains two living, old, old “humans”. 

i dont want to write this post anymore.

but im going to continue.

its getting irritating now, but im back outside. i decide i want to escape this horrid building, i run. i keep running. im at a 4 way stop in this street, i cant tell what time it is because each direction i look its a different time of day. i run left and down, the road is watery, it then appears im standing in water that reaches up to half of my shin. its running but slowly, like a small creek. the asphalt below the water is cracked and crumbling, its no longer a road that cars drive on. i look to my left and see it flow into a lake, or an ocean. to my right is a collection of trees that are growing in this river road. the roots of these trees stretch out very very far. in between two trees are two women, they look like theyre just a little bit older than me. theyre so gorgeous. one is in all black, but has white hair, and the other is wearing all white, but has black hair. theyre holding hands. they refuse to separate the entire time they talk to me. they ask me if im lost, where i need to go, who or what im looking for. i can barely answer. i feel like im going to cry. but not of fear, not of anger, just the feeling of water swelling up in my eyelids and pouring down my face just feels like a separate emotion i wanted to happen as i kept talking to these two beings. i close my eyes and suddenly im walking down a steet into a neighborhood. it looks rich. i dont belong. the houses are all painted white and are disproportionately tall, too too tall and not wide enough. they look like huge cheese sticks. weirdly skinny. small black windows. even starker white window frames. im shaking. an old man walking his dog walks past me, telling me if i need anything hes got it. he tells me to have a good day, i try to say something polite back but i dont know what language im speaking in. i get frustrated trying to find my way out, the houses are so packed together and they spiral, i keep ending up in tiny backyards. i look down at the white tiles im stepping on, i look up and im back in the river road. the women ask me to follow them. we swim into the lake and i try grabbing onto the wood pillars of a rotting, broken pier. there’s heads on top of the wooden posts. theyre all talking, laughing, some trying to get my attention, one telling me i might beat a new record time for swiming fast. i try not to look at them. my eyes are filling up with lake water and salt-less tears. i see a figure, but my vision is so blurry the person standing at the end of the pier almost doesnt seem real. all i know is she has red hair, its short, she looks placid, she looks like a mannequin in uncomfortable clothes. its natalia.

i wake up.

[tylerwritez]

Saturday, June 19 2021

I dont know how I feel about the day yet cos right now its only 10:13. I dont post these exactly on the days I write them, but I write them on these exact days nonetheless.

My throat still hurts, my ass hurts, oUch,.... I'm sure you know why. Like, when you suck dick, it takes throat strength to make sure you don't fucking vomit everywhere and like. I OBVIOUSLY dont have that strength since I had to wash vomit outta my hair this morning

Hes so hot tho oh. My god.

Whatever. New day. So we talk about new things.

Star seems kinda sad but I dont really know why? She said on her story that people dont really go outta their way to talk to her... idk. I shot a good morning dm and now I'm here. I made my bed. Packed up my shit. Every time we pack things up my parents rage cos they always find shit they dont want to see: monster cans, evidence of my self harm, etc.

We have 1 more week then school is OVER and I move outta this house cos of the divorce. Jay will be gone too... I still have his insta, but I might ask for his number... just in case. I always get weirdly attached to people I fuck even if there was never any romantic part of the relationship. We are just friends.

Apparently we are going to the pick n pack today with my friend let's call her Zara. It's notfar off from her real name but whatever. Basically pick n pack is where you go to a vegetable garden and pick vegetables

I have a test soon but idk if I'll study for it. I NEVER really put work into studying or pay attention in class and I'm holding an 82 average. I got a 39 once, so once I retake that quiz I might be in the 90s. Sorry Mr. Renal, I simply can't bring myself to care about your class 😢

I LOVE my art class tho. It's just doing ART!!!! ART TIME!!!! Art is the best and I would post some of mine but my irls would proabably find me then. Like my name isnt ACTUALLY Jude Shepard. I'm just using it as a penname and also cos that's what they called me in my dream. But other than that everything I tell y'all is real. I'm making buttered toast rn.

3:38 p.m.  sat june 19th

I've decided to include a song recommendation with every entry. Today's recommendation: A Match Into Water by Pierce The Veil

Okay so it turns out we didnt go to pick n pack with Zara. Instead we went to downtown... White Ave. It was sunny n we walked a bit, got lemonades and a bit of candy, went into stores, idk. BUT. The notable part of this is that next to the farmers market there were all the usual activist groups: falun gong, vegan, whatever... but one of them looked like it was a LEFTIST GROUP, possible marxist.

I wanted to talk to them so badly and wanted to see how I could help the cause. See, I'm a communist. AND IM NOT HERE TO DEBATE THAT. I'm here to talk about my days. Anwyays I wanted to talk to them sO BADLY. but my parents wouldn't leave me alone. And like. I hate political discussion with them. They just upset me and they get mad and I CANT AFFORD TO MAKE THEM MAD. I play everything that goes on with me on the Down Low, I dont talk about anything about myself because if I do, I get less freedom in my life. They have control in my life, so I have to appease them. Because of this, I unfortunately did not get to talk to the communists :(

Hopefully they're still there next time... I'm kinda mad >:(

Also Star replied to my good morning text... I told her to have fun shopping since that's what she told me she was gonna do... she just said "thanks" and I was concerned because THATS NOT HOW SHE TYPES? I feel like shes sad over something but i dont know what.

The day me and Jacob did stuff, I was supposed to walk her to her bus stop like I always do. But I didnt (duh) I took Jacob home.

But IT WAS ONE! DAY. And I told her my dad called me over so.... I apologized too and she seemed mad at herself, but in the way that's intended to make you feel bad.

I dont understand her sometimes. I LOVE HER. DON'T GET ME WRONG. I love her so so much shes such a great supportive funny attractive girl! But soemtimes she gets upset and I can never tell why: is it the depression? Is it me? Is it soemthing else entirely? And she'll never tell me.

Whatever, I'll ask her how she is tonight and maybe we can Talk :/

I might never tell her about Jay... :P I might never tell ANYONE about Jay. It's our little secret I guess >:))))))

Man see? I'm no saint. I guess that's what'll make this blog worth reading. I'm a bit conflicted about the whole thing cos I KNOW this is morally not right but. I'm doing it anyways. What can I say? I'm used to lying and hiding things for my benefit. I had to do it to survive and now? Now I do it for funsies.

I'm gonna pack some more stuff, TTYL ♡

UPDATE: we had to go look at houses for the move (since my parents r divorcing) and I didnt get to pack much of anything yet

I'm definently over my cal limit today...

        Cold sweet or carbonated drinks help with my throat pain so I'm downing them like they're NOTHING and since we have no zero  cal cold drinks I'm DEAD... and no, water does NOTHING.

Jeez, its raining out.

And FUCK JAY cos hes still on my mind.

Its 4:11 p.m. now.

Its now 7:56 p.m.

I kinda feel like an edgy main character in an edgy movie rolling up to the park and sitting #alone in the Treez like the emo band music video protagonist I am.

Sometimes its exhausting to talk to people I care about in a serious way or that I talk to in a more sincere manner like Star and Jay and others. Even if they're just friends. If our interactions are serious and not really casual and usually play out like long deep conversation, I feel like to respond to or even read their messages, I need to have like an hour allotted to conversation. Soemtimes I see the messages early and have to pretend I didnt see em cos I dont have internet to respond or time to respond its. Funny. Idk.

Anwyays I'm binging chocolate in a park alone and like. Rotting my fucking teeth OH WELL 🤷🏻‍♂️ whatcha gonna do.

Its 8 now so I should head home. I just biked to the s4ve 0ns to get my dad white choclate but. If I'm going to s4ve 0ns... YOU BET YOUR ASS IM GONNA STE4L SHIT. THAT PLACE IS EASY AS FUCKKK.

Also I'm kinda addicted to sh0pl1fting. The THRILL I get from it is so insane. It's fun! And you get free stuff! I know If i get caught I'm risking a lot. I'm aware. But I dont really care. Every step I take nowadays is risk taking. So why not take more?

I dont care about nonsense therapy. Fuck that.... actually I'll explain why i dont go to therapy for my shit:

1. I cant

2. I don't trust it

Anwyays yeah.

My throat still hurts. Idk, I just like to be in the sun and shit ALONE.

ALONE! It's so funny to me how now I like my time alone but as a kid I'd proabably kill for some positive attention. Well... it's more complex than that, but I wont go into it tonight.

Pls watch me die of diabetes soon from eating all this fucking chocolate.

My parents said to stop drinking monster and I wANT THEM TO TRUST ME so i can go out with my friends... but also I shoulda got monster outta spite. Heart palpitations my ASS.

Tonight I'll be talking to Jay AND Star. At the same time. Which is awkward... Which is MY OWN MESS TO CLEAN UP. I actually accept full responsibility. But also its awkward.

Whatever. I'll sort it out.

My parents arent being as complicated as usual. I guess they're tryna reverse all those years of... emotional neglect i guess? Something.

Something. Which isnt nothing.

But also I think they're guilty over the divorce. Like. Today my dad was like "do u ever feel sad? Blah blah blah... how do u feel rn" and I was like smiling tryna play off his question like it was absurd and I said "uhm idk... *fake laugh* normal?"

THE TRUTH WAS THAT I WAS A BIT CONFUDDLED ABOUT WHAT I WAS GONNA DO REGARDING. LITERALLY CHEATING. ON MY GF. WITH SOME DUDE IN MY ART CLASS. JUST FOR SEX.

But then he was like "this isnt normal." And he looked all sad.  But on my way to the park here, I thought about it a bit more. And actually... it IS normal. The divorce rate is smthn like 60 percent in the states and 40 percent in canada... which is where I live.

Yknow... if my irls find this,,, all I have to say is sorry. Be as mean as you want.

I've already accepted my fate as a degenerate scumbag anyways lol.

Actually... how DO I feel? Hmm... laying in this field.

Urgency.

I have a lot of stuff to do.

Physical pain, but that's not. A FEELING.

I guess anticipation to TALK TO PEOPLE.

Regret from my binge... I better get home.

You know what's so funny to me? I cant purge on my own... but dick makes me vomit. Like the one time I DONT want to throw up, I do. Damn okay.

Well its 8:18 so I'm going home maybe. Soon. For now, I think I'll stay a little longer.

Yknow one thing I didn't expect to be sore was my arms... which I used to prop myself up to... yknow, suck Jay...

I still remember he said: "you're trembling." And I was like FUCK because I thought the trembling was HIM... •_• it's okay though I'll learn to do better.

Idk tho... I feel comfortable with him. Even as nervous as I am and embarrassed to be. Naked. In front of soemone else. And such. He makes me feel comfortable. Look, I did my best, DUH of cOURSE I did my best, I'm the type who will work hard at stuff even if they're getting hurt. I didnt mind honeslty. My goal in that part was just to make him feel good. Equal exchange, yknow? He did the same thing to me.

But like, he can tell when I gag and he tells me not to hurt myself and of course I keep going, I'm not about to SToP. But. I dont kNOW. Him talking to me like that makes me feel a lot safer doing stuff like that you know?

I like when he starts kissing me and touching me like he cant contain himself its almost animalistic and VERY FUCKING HOT

I feel like I talk about him too much but you gotta realize that was my FIRST time

1. Sucking dick

2. having MY junk sucked

3. Having anything put. Inside me. (It was just his finger but stILL)

So yeaH. Of course I'm gonna talk about it. A lot.

He said I was adorable. He said he likes how, when he leans over me, I take in a breath... how he could make me flinch.

THATS HOT ISNT IT.

I feel like I'm getting lost in his charm when I shoULD be tryna fix shit with my girlfriend. She seems sad and I'm worried.

But there isnt much more to say until I DM her tonight...

I really fucked up, didn't I? I totally fucked up and now my brain is all confused. But I have to remember that Jay is only about sex. He would be nice to cuddle, since hes fucking HUGE and I'm kinda on the short side, but he doesnt talk to me out of love. He does it out of lust. And yeah... I really only want sex from him too. But like. Star and I are COMMITTED. We got our feelings wrapped up together. Emotionally and romantically.

So. I should proabably like... stop fucking with Jay. Tell Star what I did. And hope she forgives me. That's the morally correct thing to do.

But like... do I EVER make the morally correct decision? No. Not really. I'm a piece of shit. Whatever. Its highschool anwyays we arent mating for life. IM NOT SAYING WHAT I DID WASNT BAD. IT WAS. VERY BAD.

but I'm gonna keep making bad decisions.

I DO FEEL BAD.... but look. If we're being logical about this and tryna maximize my benefit here,, I should keep Star as my girlfriend and TREAT HER WELL... but with Jay as a fuckbuddy on the side. Hes leaving the school soon anwyays so then we'll hang out less...

That's my plan, anyways.

I KNOW I'm a bad person. I'm aware. But it's just a fact of life.

I'm cheating with my cards here in so many places: stealing, lying, cheating, disobeying my parents, not paying attention in class.. IM KIND OF AN ASSHOLE KID. Idk. It's kinda whatever to me. I'm fucking harry Houdini, okay? I can get out of anyhting. This isnt me being cocky... I have historically gotten out of MANY tight situations, even some that risked my life, and I'm still here. I think I'm a walking lucky charm or SOEMTHING

Welp, we know if gods real I'm going to hell.

I dont really care. Idk. I guess I'm just at that risk taking phase in.my life. That doesnt  justify anything... but it explains it. And it's possible to explain without justifying.

Man,,, I guarantee whoever reads this blog is gonna hate my guts.

Whatever. It's my fucking journal/diary lol.

I can sorta say whatever I'd like.

It's funny because I always thought I was trustworthy and had no commitment issues BUT HEY I GUESS NOT.

I keep telling myself, cut him off, YOU AVE A GIRLFRIEND, FESS UP AND APOLOGIZE... but then I picture his STUPID smirking face and I CANT.

Maybe I am in love double.

Doesnt matter if I am... i still did a bad thing.

DAMN.

Well... I'm headed back home now. 8:41. I'm gonna pack my shit, change, watch youtube,,,, I guess I should check my google classroom and like. do my fucking homework... cos I haven't done it yet.

Then I'll update yall.

11:51 p.m.

Hey guys I'm back with an update.

I talked with both of then... star doesnt seem interested in having an actual conversation,,, shes just talking  about  random bs. Which is fine but I dont rly get what shes saying half the time COS SHES NOT BLUNT ENOUGH. and then the other half shes going on about how much she hates life. Like.

I do love her. We've bonded. I AM concerned about her. But sometimes I feel like she doesn't really try. Like I can talk her down from suicide all I want but everything I say is wrong and cliched and based off my own experience with suicidal thoughts and like... my mentality has always been sorta toxicly masculine. Push through, and push through alone. I CANT ALWAYS HELP! And it makes me feel shitty. Idk. She'll be okay, I know so cos of her story posts and drawings.

I feel bad but I know I can't help much. We talked a little. Idk, we didnt get anywhere. I love her but shes acting in a way that tells me soemthing is wrong but I CANT FIX THAT THING. SO. yeah, theres not much to say. I wish I could take away all her pain but I can't.

I talked to Jay as well... I DONT KNOW WHATS HAPPENING BECAUSE I LIKE HIM SO SO MUCH. SO MUCH. HES LITERALLY PERFECT. sexy, kind and super considerate, he always makes sure I'm comfortable... I dont KNOW,,, hes sweet.

Hes not romantically interested in me. Which is a bit sad. Sometimes I want to tell him "I love you!!!" But then I remember that we are, in his words, friends with benefits. Fuck buddies. Two horny teenage boys who just wanna fuck... and be friends. That's all. That's us. We aren't romantically involved nor will we ever be. I hate how my brain gets so attached to anyone I fuck... especially since I kinda see Jay as an "older brother" figure, which makes no sense until you actually meet him and vibe with him... and like,,, I've always wanted that?

Tommorow I'm gonna ask for him to come over to watch a movie... but idk if I should actually ask because my parents kinda hate me now for fucking up so much. I'll do my homework and clean my room first... which will take up all my time proabably :( it's okay. Maybe some other time :(

I dont want him to lose interest in me though.

.... its 1:56 a.m.

Okay. Okay. I'll say it. I love him.

Goodnight, tumblr.

-Jude

[galimatios]

fear thy fortune chatlog notes

thinking abt the underdeveloped au i have in that weird off color fantasy universe that i realized is probably similar in ways to bloodborne even before i knew abt bloodbornes plot but this is nice bc i can solidify parts of it and i can probably also combine it with the knights au i have

OK I FORGOT TO PUT A CW HERE BUT CW FOR ABUSE MENT AND GORE MENT

somewhere located in present day west asia slash east europe theres a country divided into numerous states in which princes and princesses (princex (poc)/princen/etc for gender neutral options) are perpetually in contest with eachother for the right to be the divine ruler of the country

monarchy is not guided by blood, rather the church is responsible for finding the chosen candidates via prophecy, fururesight, dream interpretation, etc, and these kids are taken from their homes and reared as royalty the nature of this country is ... severe. pain is a gift, proof that one is alive. much ceremony is based in sacrifice, bloodspill, bloodsports, and pain endurance. magic as practiced by the church is extremely powerful in terms of healing so almost all wounds can be healed provided the heart still beats its essentially one big huge freakish cult of a country that has customs that seem barbaric to outsiders

the divine ruler of each state is the princens, though more often than not their councils do most of the governing with the princen merely being a puppet figurehead. they go through rigorous training to sharpen their minds and endurance against all types of pain, so training includes physical, mental, emotional trials in which the princen is supposed to keep a clear mind, concentrate on mediation or some mantra, bearing whatever is thrown at them. additionally they receive the best training in both combat and politics as well as magic. not all princen can withstand the requirements ofc so they.. vary quite a bit in terms of stability/constitution. its a p sick system even without the knights added in bc thats super messed up

the knights essentially belong to their princens in heart body mind and soul, and each princen receives exactly one knight soulbound to them. they also undergo the same scouting process once the princen is identified, and they undergo similar training except theyre also essentially brainwashed into believing their entire purpose in life is to serve and protect their princen no matter what. obviously this aint healthy! knights delude themselves into it so hard theyll fight for the system that literally abuses them! but thats how cults work

that being said knights are extremely powerful. they act as the sole bodyguard of their princen and believe me you dont want to get inbetween a knight and their prince. they are known especially for their brutality when their lords are threatened. it is extremely common for limbs to be lost in skirmishes btwn assailants and a knight

this takes us to the games! which are essentially gladiator coliseum type bloodsport contests between knights of different princens. its a pretty big affair like how the Olympics are for us so the fanfare the cheering the everything is all there i prob dont need to describe it in detail but its very violent. its considered practice for the knights before the true battle-royale type event thats even BIGGER bc it determines who becomes god-king of the country. this time the princen join their knights in the battlefield and basically whoever is left standing is the new king

is it worth it? probably not bc i think being king actually means being killed to be sent up to the heavens bc god kings dont need bodies any longer in truth the entire debacle is a distraction set up by the church to keep the country under its own control. its super corrupt. the council behind every princen is actually made up of high ranking church members that convene regularly to manipulate the politics of the region

but thats mostly the governing sphere of this world. the commonfolk are removed from most of this violence aside from the indoctrination by the church and the messed up religion they practice. a lot of the belief system here relies on this concept of karma and fate over free will. fate is oppressive, cannot be changed, but god do they try that belief ties into how princen and knights are fated to be pairs, how princen are fated to either ascend to godhood or die trying

but there is one way to manipulate fates in this world there exists in independent of the church a monastery that practices the art of transferring karma. think of karma as a type of currency that can be spent, saved, used, etc. lots of good karma may be distributed amongst loved ones via a ritual headed by a monk, or bad karma can be "paid off" essentially. the amount of good/bad karma a person has directly affects their fortune and luck. this practice is more or less outlawed by the church but the monastery is slowly gaining power over the commonfolk and the church mostly leaves the poor folk to rot anyway- their agenda mostly concerns the monarchy

altho i can definitely see tensions rising with the witch hunting as influenced by the church. particularly nefarious visions may result in blame being thrown around and commoners getting killed for crimes they have yet to commit and thats thanks to the teachings of the church

anyway as of rn though the monastery is still pretty small but it is an old, ancient organization with magic that runs far deeper than the magic of the church. it is a much more subtle magic- monks practice little offensive magic (they are a nonviolent sort anyway) but the ability to exchange karma is rare and has far more reaching impact in the long run i imagine they have strongholds further to the east but anyway theres one trump card the monastic order has

a subsection of the order is dedicated to the keeping of miracles. and miracles are... monsters! they are semi-physical manifestations of literal suffering and the sheer emotional energy provided by them is enough to give miracles the power to.. well. perform miracles.

when a person dies in anguish, there is a chance that their bodies will not decompose the way they are meant to. instead they slowly dissipate, bodies turning coal black and ashen to the touch. these cannot be disposed of the normal way (curses, contamination, all kinds of horrible things happen) so instead these corpses get locked up inside brick cells within the monastery

once, one of these was opened only to reveal that the bodies were gone- only a humming, massive shadow that seemed to move as if made of flies or soot combined. and it spoke, too. this was the first miracle created it was discovered then that these creatures had immense power but could not leave the rooms they were imprisoned in, touch sunlight, and similarly they could not die

imagine like the witchs nightmares in pmmm and you get what its like to be a soul trapped in a miracle. u get to relive ur worst fears and regrets forever. it suck miracles also cannot direct their powers towards their own will, only the will of others. ofc they are still monsters and exact a price for their services, whatever it may be.

a meeting with a miracle does not come cheap or without consequence, bc although miracles can be performed, karma always rebalances itself in the end. monks tasked with guarding and curating the miracles are called gatekeepers and are often someone close to one of the souls trapped in the vortex anyway i think thats the basics of everything in there... i got an au w cyrus as a prince and alex as his knight and instead of sticking around for their inevitable deaths the pair run off into the countryside far far away

actually i think something went wrong in the ceremony. cyrus and alex win godkingship of then... something goes wrong. probably the whole die-to-ascend thing is a secret kept from the princen and the public and. alex does a thing a knight should not do a refuses to let the ceremony continue. and im p sure as soon as cyrus learns of the truth hes like haha well fuck that

then they spend the rest of their days actually experiencing what life is like outside of a freakish cult and my fucking feels

i think.. meanwhile the monastic order grows in influence and power making them the enemy of the church... and jonah (yonah in this au) sacrifices himself to the miracle containing his brother in order to give the miracle a corporal form. which means august and company now have a physical conduit for all that power they had.

bad news for the church! bc august was unrightfully killed bc of a prophecy saying that hed become a huge threat and a killer

funny how prophecies work!

so now hes out for blood and he probably uses his own charisma and power to stage a coup against the church and basically the country goes to hell and i think at this point cyrus thinks. i got out of there alive. i need to do something about this. so he and alex probably join in and become arbiters of the game esp since cyrus and alex were probably the best synced, most skilled prince/knight duo the church had seen up to that date so theyre very powerful. ofc theyre still only two people so i really wonder how theyll step in btwn these two opposing parties

augusts side isnt good either bc august... is only out for revenge and self interest. he has no interest in fixing the country or helping anyone in fact once august is firmly seated on the throne of power he probably declares himself god-king anyway the end game probably looks like augusts body (which is jonahs body) being destroyed and the miracle contained in it finally put to rest jonahs soul must have something to do with the exorcism process- theyve tried to exorcise miracles before and only ended up upsetting it into violent outbursts anyway thats enough rambling from me time to paste this all into a blog post

god what if august picked keith to be his knight. thats messed up. keiths so easy to manipulate and hed be such a wildcard of a knight. he has more magic potential than alex and hes faster on his feet. im imagining bloodlust frenzy almost hyena-like behavior. also i mostly just want to see keith being violent and evil and i have an outfit in mind that would look great with a little splash of red

think like minimalistic ouji but like all black and keith with knives and serving a clearly twisted (even more than usual bc of the miracle’s influence) august

god even better the aftermath of augusts death TIME FOR THE FUCKING FEELS TO KICK IN BC now Keith has no purpose/he FAILED to protect his king WHICH WAS HIS ONLY PURPOSE IN LIFE then alex coming in with cy and just no, you have inherent worth. what happened wasn't right im upset this is how alex and keith become family in this au

miracles i think in this case are definitely more of a means to an end i think narratively ie jonahs brother being killed and augusts soul being trapped within it- tho i think its a good tie-in into how the severe paranoid cultish way the society works ends up producing a lot of People Dying In Extreme Anguish

almost a buildup of sickness so to say.. a plague of the soul that's a cool avenue to go down tbh the idea that miracles are more like viruses spreading misfortune in the long run for some quick gain in this life but bc karma always collects her debts if i throw in some nice reincarnation that would effectively damn someone in their next life... that implies that this story may need to expand across different generations

mechanics being so much bullshit has happened in this country it houses multiple miracles whereas elsewhere its like one, or none, very few in their histories except possibly during wartime and famine

since magic is Exists in this it makes sense that the emotional energy combined w ambient energy would manifest in some kind of grotesque Being

oh no thats maybe why the church is manipulating things by purposely generating that emotional trauma in its society its producing unprecedented amounts of energy they can utilize as magic power oh  no thats super bad august would definitely take advantage of that bc hed definitely figure the truth out once hes back to being alive

im upset bc i think they use princens and knights to specifically create emotional energy

energy released upon death which typically happens after a knight/prince duo has been chosen... then the resulting STRONG ass char plague on their bodies are collected to make artifacts? yes

gems created from the ashen plague are embedded into a huge mandala that actually ... is the god-king itself

[uno-duo-triotale]

who would like to read a really long backstory Post on Serif?

cause i wrote it out for,,, some reason. it’s kind of written in a loose biography fashion so its not very good. its also probably... horribly spelled and full of typos

Serif is the oldest recognized son of the famous and well recognized, highly esteemed scientist, WD Gaster. Most of his life was spent growing up on the military bases where his father worked and lived, was homeschooled, and often looked after by other military personnel- most particularly a high-ranking Mage Soldier, Grillby, incredibly well known for his Fire Magic. Grillby was who initially taught Serif how to use Human soul-based magic, an art highly valued by humans as it can only be taught by a highly skilled mage, or a monster, who were on incredibly unfriendly, tense terms with humans. Grillby was assigned to Gaster as a test subject, as Gaster's focus was on creating super soldiers based on magic, and so Grillby was frequently around, and much closer of a father figure than Gaster (incredibly neglectful, emotionally manipulative and at the worst of times physically abusive) would ever be, and a very uncooperative test subject for gaster, with no desire to allow magic to be gifted freely to human soldiers and increase killing. Another dear friend of Serif is another army brat- Undyne. she’s a year younger than him and they meet when they’re around 10 and 9. She’s the adoptive daughter of a very high official- Asgore- who’s militarily charged with Mt Ebott and the monsters inside it, and works closely with his father.

after several years of dead ends where grillby refused to cooperate with the magic tests, gaster turned to his own son's quickly growing capabilities. in the secret of their own home the experiments would take place and eventually Serif was condemned to the basement as a test subject and experiment. at around the age of 12, after being isolated for over a year, grillby finally gets through via threats of turning gaster in, and serif finally gets to leave the basement again. he comes out of the basement to the discovery that he now has a pair of twin brothers- sans and papyrus. his father doesnt even remember their mother's names and hints that he only had the children for the purpose of more test subjects at one point, ordering his son to begin teaching them magic (an insane thought, considering both of his brothers were only 5 months old at the time). the experiments are far from over, and continue for the next 4 years. over the course of these years, serif frequently takes his brothers to see Grillby, who- despite being discharged from the military (assumedly by gasters influence after the threats), continues to follow them around and set up near whatever military base. both his brothers show incredible talent for magic, just as Serif did when he was younger, and just like his father. Grillby agrees to help teach them at serif's request. during timespans where Gaster forbids them to leave the military bases and not see Grillby, they go instead to see Undyne. by 11 years old she’s vigerously training with her dad and other people to join the military herself when she’s older. Serif trains with her- papyrus joins in, too. both Papyrus and serif look up to her- she looks up to serif, too; she wants to learn magic. he tells her its a very bad idea. dont bother.

At age 4, two weeks after serif's 16th birthday, the youngest of the 4 year old twins, papyrus, makes a panicked and frantic call to the 911 operator that his Father is dead in the basement study and something is very wrong with his brothers. Police arrive on the scene to find Grillby already there, called by papyrus immediately before he had called 911. Serif is hysterical and radiating a dangerous level of magic, aglow with fiery lights, in the corner of the room, and Gaster's body lays dead at the foot of the far wall. Sans, unconscious, remains motionless in his arms and clutched to his chest. the mystery itself lies that they could find no reason Gaster is dead- his body is intact and completely undamaged with no cause of death- and despite that fact, Serif and his unconscious brother are horrifically spattered in blood, as is the rest of the room, and papyrus, too. police come to the conclusion there was an intruder. a monster, who was capable of killing a human. tensions had been so high- the assumption of it being a monster was just that- a cruel assumption, and the only guess they could have to what killed Gaster without a trace. Serif has no memory of this night. according to records taken on the younger brothers- Sans had been asked by his father to come to the lab- but as soon as they'd passed the doorway to the stairs, his memory is gone, as well; Papyrus had been woken from bed by horrible screaming and had run down to the basement- by the time he got there the screams had stopped and he'd stumbled on the scene almost exactly how the police had.

It takes Grillby 15 hours to calm the panicked serif to the point anyone can approach him. Sans is mortally wounded- several broken bones, dangerous Magic reactions, and several sudden deteriorating diseases he'd not had before including degenerating bone, flesh rotting, and other issues. serif would be tested to be showing these symptoms, progressing much slower, but over the course of many years. when Serif holds him, sans' deterioration ceases. its a mystery for weeks what is happening until its discovered in the lab some of gasters' notes. a compound known as RaGe has been released into both brothers bodies. Serif's was capable of adapting to it. Sans was not.

another up-and-coming doctor known as Alphys, also studying magic (for robotic applications, not human applications) is given his case. after about 4 months of study where all 3 brothers remain in custody question at the hospital, frequently visited and cared for by Grillby, in which Alphys works closely with the brothers, she finally concludes a possible way to treat them. the need a monster, though- and she... isnt 100% sure they will survive. Asgore, in charge of the mountain, is desperate to help the sons of his close, late partner and top scientist. confronted by grillby, alphys, and serif- he admits he has... ways to get a monster out of the underground secretly. he’s done it a few times now- orphaned children. he’s done it a fewtimes, and as he sets it up he admits it is the the 8th time, now. 

a monster child is retrieved from the Mountain by the name, Frisk. they are given to Alphys- who’s horrified. as is Serif and Grillby. Papyrus and Sans- unaware that Alphys’ original plan will involve possibly killing this monster child- a little goat monster- are quickly curious and already making friends. Frisk seems delighted. Alphys goes back to the drawing board. 

they’ve been sick for about a year, and finally custody was settled around 7 months. despite grillby’s best efforts, they have a will from gaster that his sons are to never be left with him. temporarily they are to stay with Asgore, their godfather in the will, and his divorcing wife Toriel.at about the year-long mark, Alphys has a new solution after studying frisk. this solution will only work with Sans- using frisk’s system to filter out rage. Sans body is not dependant on it nor does it produce RaGe- after filtering, he will be safe. Serif is not so luck- over the years Gaster has altered his body to rely and rapidly produce it. filtering it would make him very sick- and eventually he’d just recreate it. The amount Serif creates, too- it could and most likely would be toxic for Frisk, especially with the added amount in sans decaying his system. over time, Frisk would work it out of their body- monster’s Magic systems are more... porous, and things get worked out of them as they create magic. they’d be okay as long as their system isnt overloaded with RG at one time.

Serif asks frisk if they will save his brother’s life. Frisk -they agree immediately, determined, and without hesitation. the procedure commences within the hour and takes 42- and goes successful. He’s weaker and iller than he should be after so much time with it in his system- he’s got fragile bones and bruises easily, and has a very poor immune system. but he wont degrade any more. He’s going to be okay. Everyone is relieved. Alphys explains to Serif that- well, he was altered to handle this stuff. he’s not going to die from it- not for a long time, at least. but he needs to keep using his Mage Magic. using magic works some of it out of his system- its important to get most of it out. otherwise it will damage him. He doesnt mind- he likes using magic. he can use it for good. Grillby agrees to teach him more about magic- everything he knows. Frisk comes with Sans and Papyrus, now. they like to train. This continues even when Serif and his brothers move in with Asgore and Toriel. Serif spends most of his time now, taking care of his brothers, and training- be it with his siblings- including his newest little sibling Frisk, who stays with them at Asgores- or with Agore and Undyne, his friend. Without Gaster around, he finally agrees to help teach Undyne about magic, to see if she can use it. she’s not as adept as Serif’s family tree of mages. but she trains her hardest- and with her determination she can do just about anything. Their magics are very different, but, she figures out how to work hers out. theyre both delighted.

a week before Serif would turn 19, the tensions between Monsters and Humans have finally errupted and war has begun. undyne has drafted herself for war the day she turned 18- in an effort to come with her, help her, he drafts too. They both join the Army, specifically targeting Infantry and Footsoldier work. they train and train together even before their drafts are called. 

the war grows and gets worse and worse. they are only in training for a year before being deployed. 

Neither of them talk about that war, or very little of what happens. by the end, there are few to know monsters left alive. not much is known about what happened with them personally- from the very few letters exchanged after they were deployed, its known they got seperated from side-by-side fighting somewhere around the middle of the war. Undyne tore off to fight front-lines style, against bigger warriors. Serif was packed into a small squadron for other missions. he writes one letter to grillby thats perhaps the most gruesome- grillby doesnt end up reading the whole thing, only the first paragraph. the squadron had invaded an area known as snowdin in the cover of the undergrounds night cycle and while monsters slept, they dispatched them- full families in their beds. Grillby stopped readings when Serif admits he kills a goat child and doesnt notice how much they looked like frisk until they were dead. 

Undyne and Serif come home from the war at different times. Undyne comes home first, and everyone waits for weeks for Serif. weeks and then months. it takes 4 months for him to come home- he’s 21 and comes home in the back of a truck. Undyne came home exhausted and haunted but Serif- serif came back worse. he and Undyne dont talk to each other much, and he barely says anything to anyone- barely even responds when Asgore explains he had no choice but to send Frisk to a Holding Facility because they were a monster, or that the temporary custody settlments had finally been settled and his brothers had been moved to Fostercare- they have a good family, staying with the Mr and Ms Froggit, Toriel visits them all the time and takes them to see frisk. All these things Asgore tells him to try and comfort him but Serif never responds or seems to change. He sleeps for about 4 days after coming home. then he gets up, packs up, and goes with Toriel to see his brothers. They’re elated to see him. He cheers up incredibly in their presence. They go visit frisk with them- Frisk is so happy to see serif. he hugs them for a solid 15 minutes and they seem just fine in not being let go.

He goes back home with Toriel. Grillby comes over for dinner, he, Toriel, Asgore, and Undyne and her recently re-united girlfriend Alphys sit at the table. Alphys makes a joke about what he’s going to do now that hes home- he informs them he’s only going to be home for a week. he’s already enlisted to go oversees and continue his service. Grillby is outraged- and so is Asgore. Toriel is horrified. Undyne slams her fists on the table. Alphys looks shocked. Serif- looks just like he did the first 5 minutes he was home. Undyne accuses that they’re supposed to serve they times together and all 3 of his acting paternal figures demand he get more rest, Asgore says something like that cant be legal or allowed he return the quick. serif explains neutrally- he was approached by a man to join a special division. covert operations- survival skills- his magic- they need him there for training next week, he will be deployed as with a special team- but theyll part and he’ll work solo. he explains the foreign territory he’ll work- he talks calmly. 

Undyne slams her hands on the table and leaves immediately. she’s gone on her way to- do whatever she can to end up serving with him. she cant, even with her track record and feild work. in anger she enlists for the soonest deployment she’s allowed in the same area. Serif spends his week visiting his brothers and frisk every day- by night hes out of the house doing god knows what and comes home drunk as hell twice late the next morning someone else leaves his room and leaves the house, having come home with him. he leaves early in the morning before anyone in the house wakes up without a goodbye, everything he has gone. 

he comes home maybe once or twice a year- to see his brothers, see frisk ,see his family. maes quite a few jokes about ‘having fun’ with the locals with undyne- theyre amusing and she jokes along but mentions to gaster that she’s worried about him.

he’s 23 and still doing his mysterious work- ocassionaly he meets up with Undyne covertly- but there's a brewing war with the country he’s in. everyone at home is begging him to come home- undyne included, she keeps tracking him down when she can and asking they both go home, before theres deplyment in the area they can leave. 

That war never comes; his timeline makes a surprising horror-story twist and a few thousand miles from them is ground 0; the news erupts with a story most people dont believe. zombies. a media joke to most of the world, what, zombies? neither Serif and Undyne have heard about it- they’re in the middle of work, no time for the news. Serif has a devious little gnashing teeth encounter- assumes it was a man gone crazy. the second one is too much of a coincidence withing 12 hours of the first-- he aproaches the nearest village with a caution that saves his life. people run and scream and die. he cant honestly believe it himself but he tears off to the North, knowing exactly where Undyne and her team are stationed. The little outpose base is in a panic- they’re here too. with a good use of magic he rids the post of the infected. Undyne and half of her team, alive. She’s the captain and orders they march now to help the village- Serif outranks her, she’s shocked to find. he orders they leave- now. they’re retreating right now- taking the military vehicle and driving to the nearest airport and going home. immediately. no stops. If they dont get home before that don there gets out of hand, they-re screwed. there wont be ny airplanes to ross an ocean, he says. Undyne thinks he fucking crazy, she marches to leave- he knocks her out and throws her in the back seat. the team follows his lead and they pile in. He informs them as he takes the wheel and tears out down a road that they are all officially awol. none of them really seem to care. zombies are a shock. Serif’s a fun liar and with a lot of jokes about how tired his unconscious companion is, he explains to a woman using his military position that they need to board the plane. a bit impressive, in all honesty. 

He and the group board and fly and split up on-landing, instructed to go get their families and, if they want to join up, meet up at a specific location. Serif picks his alphys’ lab and orders them all meet there by 3 days. He takes off with Undyne, who after so many hours of unconsciousness comes to in the car he stole. he points out to her they’re already back home. she’s shocked. he states firmly that he’s kidnapping frisk when they pull into the complex to Undyne. double the shocked. she comes with him. smiles and all- the personell know Serif. he gets to frisk. they smile and hug and joke. Frisk calls him sweaty and dirty- he very much is, fresh from the field. He picks up frisk, still smiling and joking with a glance to the monitoring personel near by, and holds a hand out to Undyne. his still shocked companion takes it- and promptly the three of them are shortcutted out of the holding facility and into the parking lot. He buckles frisk into the back seat with a hum, the kid thoroughly confused. Undyne- who’s shortcutted with him before many times, just gets in the passenger door. Serif tears off in the stolen car before the surpised personel at the facility can even raise an alarm. theyre gone. Serif changes out his stolen car along the way. He pulls up to the school he knows his brothers attend and walk home from. they wait for a few moments there. despite frisk frantically asking confused questions, he only smiles and jokes. Undyne his quiet and squinting, and when the school lets out an hour into waiting, breaks him from his jokes at frisk to inform them that Sans and Papyrus are coming out. She yells out the window, and hearing her voice, the come running immedeatly, expecting and soon confirming that Serif is with her. They’re even happier when they climb in the car and discover Frisk. they’re so excited, asking if Frisk is finally allowed to come home again. Serif jokes around more. he changes out his stolen car again on the way home, to the confusion of his brothers who are a bit horrified theyre brother is stealing a car. He and undyne buckle them in. and move on.

They walk into the house that afternoon to Asgore on the phone. the high ranking official has already been informed that his adopted daughter has gone missing, as well as her whole platoon, and upon checking, Serif as well. toriel is pacing the living room with him, frantic. they’re beyond relieved and rush the two. Serif hangs the phone in asgore’s hand up during their hug, and when they pull apart, he asks to take it. Asgore, surprised, agrees. He calls grillby without pause. tells him to pick up everyone he can from the bar- which should be open and is- and head over to Alphys’ lab. dont hesitate. pick up everyone you can. bring as much food and water as you can. 

he hangs up a moment later. He looks at asgore. can you get your hands on weapons? a lot of them? he knows asgore can- they’re on a military base. 

Asgore doesnt hesitate. he already knows- he’s a high official. he sighs. there’s already been a potting in the country, he says, dreading. theyre mobilizing military forces... he wasnt optimistic about what this was going to mean.

a lot of people are very lucky. a lot of people make it to the store house that Serif knew is prepared in Alphys’ lab. the anxious scientist woman had been using her magic and robotics to design a safe house under the lab. a lot of people get there. a lot of people get safe. its almost completely sustainable. 

it’s safe for a whole year down there, too. it was safe a whole year until serif exploded with RaGe in there. until he killed some people- by accident- he cause so much panic. the people fled through the safe doors. there was only 1 zombie in the area and it was all it took. one bite and there were two. and then 4. and then 8. people fled the doors from him when he lost it and many of them died. at least when he had zombies he had something to turn his RG to. zombies and the people screaming withing them died. very few of the people in that safe hatch who survived the year lived. most of them people who knew Serif and new what was wrong- they just stayed away and stayed quite and didnt attract attention. they didnt scream and they didnt flee the complex and they didnt fight against him. 

after that, the few people who’d survived threw him out. understandably. 

his family followed after him and left the vault. he begged them to stay. Grillby, Asgore, Toriel, Alphys, Undyne- papyrus, sans, frisk. children, kids. the people he loved. go back inside.

they refused. 

for two years they lived nomadically. the scavenged and hunted and killed and protected one another. one day they even found theyre way back to the vault- the dors were open. there was no one left down there. 

at the end of that two year mark, the Alternates came. Sayrus informed them thet they were indeed the last people alive and not zombies on the planet, not withstanding a ver few amount of people- a couple groups of canabals who were slowly eating themselves to extinction, a few people running around pilfering and raping and such. there were only a few other people left in the world that they’d deemed acceptable to save- they’d contacted Sayrus’ friend, koyol, and he’d come with His People and saved anyone who was worth it. all that was left now were them. Serif was one of them. Sayrus was offering them a place to stay with him and his blooming Haven of siblings. everyone would be welcome from their group. Monsters and Humans alike. 

serif and his family took the offer.