#something more meaningful and fulfilling. something i can truly be proud of' you know all dramatic moving soundtrack

[trentcrimminallybeautiful]

yknow i enjoy tedependent as much as the next guy, and i get the temptation, i truly do, but i think implying or outright saying trent imploded his career and told the truth about giving up his source only or mainly because he had romantic feelings for ted takes away from what actually happened there?? like. him being willing to throw away his career and in such a spectacular way (not just quitting but actually probably fucking his chances of working further as a journalist at all, i gather) wasn't necessarily a rom-com moment in the sense that it was for ted or about his feelings for ted alone. it was about himself, his own growing dissatisfaction with the toxic world of sports journalism and the kind of writing he was doing, the desire for "something deeper". that's not to say there's no tedependent take on this, or that hypothetical feelings for ted couldn't or didn't play a role. but like, it's also about his own character development, even if it is driven by ted (as many of the characters' developments are)

[leaf-line]

𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐇𝐮𝐦𝐚𝐧 𝐇𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐭 𝐈𝐬 𝐀 𝐃𝐞𝐥𝐢𝐜𝐚𝐭𝐞 𝐓𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠

Yandere! Dr Ratio x Gn! Reader

❏ You and Dr Ratio bakes cake after your milestone! All harmless, absolutely nothing bad will happen!

cw: invasion of privacy, implied isolation, people pleaser reader, mentions of insecurities and mental illnesses, suicide.

w/c: 2,856

"I'm starting to see your improvements." Ratio hums, sounding pleased, which is rare for him to do, but it's not impossible.

Contrary to his calm demeanor, you were emotional.

"That's all you could say!? This is big! This is a big deal!!" You cried out, snatching the papers—the fruits of your labor, the results of your hard, hard work—from Veritas.

Your heart was thumping so loudly. It was as if all your red blood cells received glucose simultaneously.

"I can't believe... I got high scores on all tests... All in a row..." You weep out of joy seeing all of them be above the number of 95. You could let your knees fall to the ground and start having a breakdown to release all the stress kept up in your years of living. "My life... Is fulfilled... Suffering... Is no more... Augh—" You state dramatically, Ratio could only scoff at your s-tier performance.

"It is a feat for a person like you. However, this is not the ending point for you to cry out of joy; there's always more to strive for and be better at. The room isn't that small. There's still more for improvement. However... You did great, I'm proud of you for that." He lectures as if to say 95 isn't enough and you need full scores, but honestly, you can't even be mad at him.

After all, he was the one who pushed you to achieve something such as this. If it weren't for him, you'd be nothing but a plain potato who didn't achieve anything meaningful.

A genius prodigy such as him could easily turn a useless stone like you into a shining diamond. You felt grateful.

"Ahaha..." You laugh ironically. "But thanks, it's all thanks to you, you should be proud." You wipe your tears eyes with a finger, then smile brightly at him.

He said nothing, and you grinned. Maybe it was because your smile was so contagious he was stunned, but then again, you don't know what's going on behind that mask of his. You could only see him turn his head away from you.

You wanted to know truly if he's fond of you or not.

Your tutor... No, rather, your friend Ratio was someone you never expected to get along with. Rather, you were extremely opposed to the idea, and perhaps, even was he.

Recalling back to that time, both of you first met... Wasn't exactly the best first impression...

"Welcome, Sir Veritas Ratio. Meet my child... [Name], please take care of them from now on. They might be a little... Uneducated, but I hope that you can help them with that." Your mother pushes your back towards him, in which you internally scowl in return.

You eyed him. He looked rather young to be your tutor.

"Ah, and I couldn't help but notice that both of you are the same age. If that is the case, then I hope that the both of you will get along well!" Your mother cheerfully says so.

You doubted that heavily.

That's because you did your research before meeting him in person.

A lot of people said that the prodigy was cruel, relentless, and maybe even sadistic. And the list goes on. The most positive and recurring mentioned trait of his was being academically talented.

As soon as your mother left you with him, you felt vulnerable, as if you were out in the open and someone was ready to stab you with words like knife, take for example; the person in front of you.

You try to pace down your heartbeat to not overthink it... It works.

It's fine, it's fine, he's a prodigy, surely he knows about the fact of how the human heart is delicate and needs to be handled carefully. What's the worst he could say to you out loud?

No matter what it is, you won't let it reach you!

"Hey... You." He calls out, you prepare yourself.

There's no way he's gonna be 'that' cruel to you... Right? You both just met.

"Have you taken a shower? You stink."

...

A part of you cracked.

"Let's move on quickly, I don't have time to deal with idiots such as you."

And it cracks again.

Yeah... It wasn't the best, but at least he doesn't say that anymore. In fact, it helped you that he said that, since you don't neglect hygienic activities as much anymore. But as Professor Veritas Ratio once said, 'Don't dwell in the past for long,' let's focus on the future and present!

Since this is a milestone for you, you should gift Dr Ratio with a thank you.

"I'm in no need of your services. This feat was only achieved through your hard work. You should treat only yourself." He said out of nowhere.

"Wait— H-How did you even—"

"Your face said it all."

"Huh???"

Dr Ratio seems to have a knack for using his hidden mind-reading powers on you. You don't like that. You'll always feel vulnerable to him every time at this point.

"Ah... Too bad... I was gonna make myself some homemade cake and share it with you... Too bad you don't want it. I guess I'll just stick to being lonely and take it all for myself." You puff out, obviously picking on him.

"Then let me help you, for all I could know, the house might be burned down before you can even bake one successfully." He replies back with no remorse.

"How rude!"

You end up baking at his home.

You simply didn't want the place to be yours since your mom is gonna be there saying you're wasting your time doing all this, so it's gonna be annoying.

And so you're there, stirring a bowl with a whisk, while there's Ratio holding out the instructions. You can't lie; he looks kinda cuter with that apron he's wearing if only his strange plaster sculpture weren't covering his appearance.

"You know... Veritas... You can remove that mask off. Since... Ya know? We're baking."

"Focus on the task at hand."

"Damn..."

You were silenced immediately, so you carefully put down the bowl, ——albeit with a trembling hand that made you feel pathetic——, to move over to the chopping board with the bowl of strawberries that you're gonna cut. You reach out for the knife

...If not for Dr Ratio intervening.

"Let me handle that." He says, practically shoving you away from the chopping board. He takes the knife and chops it with ease despite wearing that weird sculpture on his head. You wonder if he can see with that.

"Woah... Are you worried about me accidentally cutting myself?" Your eyes widen in surprise.

"I didn't know you actually cared for me, Professor Veritas... Hmmm, but I suppose you can't help it; after all, I'm the cutest and the best student ever had, aren't I?" You bat your eyelashes for the sake of sarcasm.

"Perhaps."

"...Eh?"

Too blunt, you feel your cheeks burning up.

You wonder if he's just playing along with your sarcasm because there is absolutely no way that's the case.

"I'm not playing around with your jokes. I'm simply laying out the possibility."

"There you go... Using your mind reading powers again..."

"It's not that hard to do if you have two eyes and a brain."

"I have a brain too... Not everyone can exactly know what a person is thinking just by looking at their face and expression."

"I doubt both of those statements."

"...Okay, rude."

"It's not about skills, actually; you're just an open book."

"Am I really??"

You hum, seeing him chop the strawberries more efficiently than you ever could. You know all well you'd cut it clumsily, then they'd end up looking like you've beaten them to mashes. You walk to the over to preheat it while he does his own thing. You gaze at the warm light.

"This cake is just for the two of us. I can't really share it with anyone else. If only I could, I would." You murmur your thoughts out loud, feeling close enough to him to tell him your issues occurring these days. You stand up to walk over next to him.

"...Why is that?"

"Everyone at the campus... Ignores me. I don't know why." You say, your expression showing one of disheartened, but you bothered to put up a smile. "I know, I know, I shouldn't be bothered with this minimalistic stuff." You chuckle.

"... Human life inevitably takes the form of a struggle against loneliness. We reach out to others in order to avoid sinking into complete isolation. However, although they might provide us with some degree of consolation and felt connection, our loneliness is something that can never be overcome. Therefore, you have the right to be bothered by it. Even if everyone on your campus notices you, you'll still end up feeling lonely."

"So... You're telling me my feelings don't matter even if I single myself out?"

"You have me, don't you?"

"Woah??"

"Don't go around putting random ideas in your head. It's just, if you ever feel like you're the only person existing in the universe, remember me." He placed down the knife to lightly pat your head.

"..." It was as if you remember something foul, you feel your smile fading for a bit. "You know, I wondered if people avoid because they think I'm annoying. Do you find me annoying too Dr Ratio?" You humor a question.

"I'd be lying if I said not entirely."

"And here I thought you were trying to comfort me." You laugh, taking the strawberries he chopped and mixed it with the other ingredients. You think carefully on what you're about to say next.

"There was this one guy named [____], he thinks I'm annoying but... We... 'Talked' everyday, but one day he just suddenly killed himself." You wonder if you were the reason, though it's too far fetched, you still felt guilty.

"...i see, but you shouldn't blame yourself. It's not your fault, he must've had his own problems." He says... For some reason, you felt like he sounded awfully guilty too.

"...You're right."

You glance back at your baking progress only to see that it's already prepared for the oven. "Oh... It seems like we were taking too much I didn't even realize."

"Focus. Place that in the oven for 40 minutes." He orders, you nod and follow obediently.

As that was done, you breathe out a sigh. "Where's your bathroom?" You ask.

"Go to that hallway, you'll find it eventually."

You didn't bother to ask more and marched straight into it.

Whilst walking, you find... His room, no, it might be an office knowing who he is.

Your curiosity lead to dumb decisions such as this one, so you open the door which was surprisingly open. The room felt fancy and professional, you felt like you were a dirt intruding inside a perfectly clean place.

The walls were decorated with a bunch of awards, eight doctoral degrees, outstanding achievements in the fields of biology, medicine, natural theology, philosophy, mathematics, physics, and engineering— ah, you felt dizzy.

"Uwah..." You felt jealous, though it must've been stressful and uneasy to achieve all this. You send a regard in your mind for him, hoping that he didn't stress all this too much.

You wonder why you were even next to him, how could you even stand next to someone such as him, it felt like something out of fantasy, only someone with the same level as him should he be talking to. You were a simpleton compared to him.

Being in character of a simpleton, a stupid, brainless simpleton, you dig more on his room, to that resulted of you seeing a notebook placed on a desk. "Looks important... Is this his diary or something?"

Despite saying that, you still flipped the notebook into a page, reading it...

[Name] [Last Name]

Home Planet: Cosmos

Gender: [______]

Species: Human

Height: [______]

Weight: [______]

Address: [______]

Social Security Number: [______]

Birthdate: [______]

Collage Campus: [______]

Degree: [______]

Average Grade: 57% —> 96%

Biological Parents:

Mother: [______] - Occupation: The IPC Strategic Investment Department

Father: [______] - Deceased

Huh? Isn't this your... Private information... Why... Is it in his handwriting...? Your hand reluctantly flips to the next page.

[Name] [Last Name]'s history with their mother isn't difficult to understand, they're not fond of their mother for the sole reason of abandonment and high expectations, their mother does not have the time to raise a child for she is busy working for the IPC. However, she holds high expectations for [Name] despite not teaching them and leaving them to fend for their own without help, naturally, [Name], without tools, [Name] learned nothing and struggled to understand the materials exposed to them. With no choice left, their mother found a teacher that will help them raise up to her expectations.

I do not understand why she chose me out of everyone, perhaps because of the same age we have, but unlike them, my standards were advanced, choosing me will only cause [Name] to struggle more, I feel bad, so I set my teachings to them to be more tame and easy to understand, but difficult enough for them to improve even slightly, but to my utter surprise, they followed along with it. Not to say that they didn't struggle, in fact, they struggled greatly, but despite that, they pursued the materials. Despite their many flaws, they strive for the betterment of themselves.

Struggles and insecurities, they suffer from anxiety and depression, for one, they struggle to be hygienic and procrastinate, they prefer to relax and wallow on their own self pity rather than choose to study, they have a rather low view of themselves and low confidence, dead honest about thinking that they're a hopeless idiot, however they cover the fact that they think of that by joking around and putting up a false confidence to everyone. They care about the well-being of other people more than themselves. On the other hand, they feel the fear from failure, evident by how their hand trembles whenever they feel like—

Enough. You felt cold sweat dripping on you face. That's... Too much, he isn't supposed to know all this. It's you personal thing. How did he even...

You don't why, you really don't know why you still haven't left the notebook alone and left the room, you don't know why you still flipped to the next page.

Spreading rumors about them weren't difficult, as it seems like all those people are easily swayed by simple words, however, through that action, [Name] regretfully became a target of bad intent. Through pros and cons, I conclude that it was worth it, the sight of [Name] relying on me is ever so priceless.

[____], a wretch, a classmate of [Name], bullying [Name] over his own insecurities, rather than taking it out on something else, he takes out his pent up stress on other people, [Name] being the victim. [Name] seems to have noticed this, so rather than telling people of fighting back, they endured it, telling nobody about it (even me). I have a speculation that they simply endured it with a naive thought of helping that ignorant wretch.

He appears to have a delicate ego and heart, as it turns out he was taking it out on [Name] simply because he admired me and thinking that it should be him that I should be teaching rather than [Name]. As said, he had a delicate ego and a delicate heart, so it wasn't difficult to shatter it into pieces. I admit, though immoral, I found his dismay satisfying, ignorant people like him deserved to jump off that building—

You head snapped to the door and you felt a chilling sensation on your spine.

No longer wearing his mask, his head leaned onto the doorframe.

You drop the note book on the floor, seeing as pictures of you that were stuck on that note book to fly and scatter on the ground.

"Had fun reading? Were even in terms of privacy, did I ever tell you that you can meddle with my notes?" He questioned, his face showed no emotion.

"...Why— Why would y-you—?" You felt tears invade your vision, you heart being constricted.

"I take it were gonna have a long conversation later? No, actually..." He says, getting closer to you, you instinctively take the same steps back.

He gets closer and closer until your back is facing the wall, he placed a hand to obscure your vision. Perhaps the reason he covers his face around you, is because he's just as an open book as you when he's around you, he can't have you seeing his overly infatuated expression, even after he was trying so hard to hide it.

"Let's settle this short, right here, right now, I'll tell you everything. We have 25 minutes left, can't have the cake burning in the oven for too long can we?"

a/n: fun fact! just in case you missed it, at the first part of this short story, dr ratio subconsciously turned his head away from you because he was flustered by your gratefulness for him, sorry if it sounded like a vent at some parts, idk what occurred to me 💀, maybe it's because dr ratio is ironically my comfort character, i hate people like him irl but...

[danpuff-ao3]

List 5 things that make you happy, then put this in the askbox for the last 10 people who reblogged something from you. learn to know your mutuals and followers.(ू•‧̫•ू⑅)♡

A bit late on this, but better to do these when one is in the right mindset and with the right time and space to properly soak it in! 😊 Thank you for this btw! I always love a chance to focus on the good things 💛

5 Things That Make Me Happy

1.) Hearing from friends! Responses to emails and texts and DMs. But all the better when it's a random reach out! I'm often the first to start a conversation so it's extra meaningful when someone thinks of me and hops into my DMs! On the whole, I really love connecting people and chatting with people, however it happens. 😄

2.) Time with my partner. 🥰 Even when we're doing nothing! When he's in his recliner watching TV and I'm on the couch reading AITA posts. When he nudges me with his foot or strokes my hair or blows me kisses or gushes random praise! It even makes me happy when he barges in and interrupts my writing to smother me in hugs and kisses. Yeah, there's mild annoyance, but it's easy to set that aside when I know he loves me and wants to show me.

3.) Morning coffee. The first cup more than anything! On weekends I have it in bed, all snuggled up while my partner sleeps beside me. On weekdays, it's in the office, before work starts, and I stretch out on the couch in the peace and quiet before the day begins. It's always early, and always calm. It's a moment with myself, starting my day off right with some yumminess and some warmth.

4.) Singing and dancing!!!! I'm not good at either, but oh well. I just love MUSIC and the full experience of it makes me happy. When I can let go and let the music in and carry me however it needs to, be it with movement or with sound or even both! But the truly best times are roadtrips with my partner or my best friend when I can belt out my favorite jams with COMPANY!

5.) AO3 comments. Yeah, what can I say? I put so much of myself into my work. I am so fulfilled my creating, and so proud of my creations, and having my work seen and appreciated means more than I can say!! Truly, they always brighten my day and remind me that I'm not alone in this, and that what I do reaches people!

[nancycastrogiovanni]

Preparing for Our January Performance at ICP English Theatre Club

As summer winds down, I am getting more and more excited about the new season at the ICP English Theatre Club. We’ve just wrapped up the draft of our script for the upcoming musical, set to debut in January. While I’m keeping the details under wraps for now — no spoilers! — I can tell you this project is shaping up to be one of our most ambitious yet. We’re all filled with anticipation for what’s coming.

This year is particularly special because it marks our first-ever musical performance since the ICP English Theatre Club started. Each year, we explore different types of performances, and this time we’ve taken on the challenge of a musical to engage our audience even more. It’s an exciting new direction for us, and I’m eager to see how it all comes together.

We’ve also been fortunate to welcome some fantastic new talent to our team. It’s inspiring to see how people from such varied backgrounds come together, each adding something unique to our creative process. You can already see how their different perspectives are enriching our work.

Honestly, that’s one of the things I love most about theatre — how it brings people together in such a meaningful way.

Starting on September 7th, I’ll be away for a few weeks, but I’m leaving the group in Kamila’s capable hands. She’s one of our seasoned actresses, and she’ll be leading the rehearsals while I’m gone. Kamila has a keen eye for detail and really understands what makes a performance resonate, so I know the group will be in great hands during this crucial stage.

This production, like every show we’ve done before, goes beyond memorizing lines or nailing choreography — although those are important, of course. What really excites me is watching the actors dig deeper into their characters and make them their own. The process of taking a script and turning it into something that feels alive and genuine is what makes theatre such an incredible art form.

I’ve always believed that the real magic happens when actors start to connect with their characters on a personal level, and I can already see that happening as we prepare for January’s show.

Beyond the stage, what makes this club truly special is the friendships and bonds that have developed among the members. Over the summer, I’ve been delighted to see people meeting up for drinks in Prague’s pubs, attending opera and theatre performances together, and just generally spending time outside of rehearsals.

It’s wonderful to see how theatre has become a way not just to create art, but also to build lasting connections and community. This sense of camaraderie is something I hold dear — it’s what turns the hard work of theatre into a truly rewarding experience.

Of course, no production comes without its challenges. Creating a musical, especially for the first time, requires careful planning and constant adaptation. We’ve had moments where things didn’t go quite as planned, but that’s all part of the process.

Watching our initial ideas evolve into something real, something that feels like it’s truly taking shape, is one of the most satisfying parts of this journey. Every rehearsal brings us a little closer to our vision, and that steady progress is something we’re all proud of.

As we move toward January, I’m excited about what lies ahead. There’s still plenty of work to be done, but the enthusiasm and dedication from the team are contagious. I have no doubt that by the time January rolls around, we’ll have something truly special to share with our audience.

For now, our focus is on rehearsing and refining our performance. I invite you to follow along on this journey with us — I’ll be sharing more updates as we get closer to opening night. Whether you’ve been a loyal supporter of the ICP English Theatre Club for years or this is your first time hearing about us, this production promises something for everyone.

Ultimately, what makes this experience so fulfilling isn’t just the final performance — it’s the journey of working together to create something meaningful.

The friendships we’ve formed, the challenges we’ve faced, and the small victories along the way are what make this process so special. I feel incredibly fortunate to be on this adventure with such a talented and diverse group of individuals.

Originally Published At: https://www.nancycastrogiovanni.com/preparing-for-our-january-performance-at-icp-english-theatre-club

[bubblebass1]

What is happiness?

Recently, my sister asked me to fill out an interview for her project, and I have decided to include my answers to those questions here.

1.  Please tell me a little bit about yourself and your life. Who do you believe you are? What are the major milestones you’ve experienced that have brought you to where you are and who you are today?

I am 22 years old, a recent college graduate, a teacher, a woman, a sister, a daughter, a girlfriend, and a creative person. I believe I am a good person, yet I am flawed which sets me back from the goodness I want to achieve in my lifetime. I take on various roles in my life, but the overarching goal in all of them is to support and guide others. However, my flaws are that I am ambitious, proud, and overly emotional myself.

There are a few major milestones that have pushed me into who I am today as a woman, many of which are unfortunate milestones that have forced me into a position of independence. For the formative years of my childhood, I grew up with separated parents, one of whom was an addict. Growing up with an abusive addict for a parent is difficult, but it teaches you skills such as learning how to read emotions and being in tune with others, but on the other hand, it leaves you without a model for how to control your own reactions and emotions. One of the hardest things was being separated from my mother at a young age, and then after years of no contact, she died from a drug overdose. Shortly after this occurred, my father, who had acted as a constant in my life, moved out of our home state and I stayed for college. This was extremely uprooting and taught me about independence. Even though this period of time in my life was like a whirlwind, I learned a lot about myself, such as that I value my independence, but I need certain supports in order to be successful. In knowing this, I aim to be the supports for others, since I wish that I had those supports throughout my life, instead of putting all my eggs in one basket and them sinking at the removal of them.

2.  What are the most meaningful experiences you can recall from your life? What experiences do you believe life should provide you?

The most meaningful experiences that I can recall from my life are those in which I have spent with the people who matter most to me. In more recent memory, I was able to go to Longwood Gardens in Pennsylvania with my boyfriend and all we did was walk around and look at plants, but it was some of the most meaningful experiences that I had that whole summer. Many of my favorite moments are spending quality time with my boyfriend, my siblings, my parents, and my friends. I also find joy in being recognized for my accomplishments such as when I got nominated for an award for my writing, when I published a story in an anthology with my university, or when I can share my skills with my classmates and offer edits and help with their writing or other creative projects.

I believe life should offer experiences that fulfill our need for connection and success in different ways. Connection with others is one of the most fulfilling experiences that life can offer, and I measure success in terms of happiness. While many view financial freedom as success (and that is valuable too), I find that life is more fun when you are chasing new experiences with the people you love, even if that means something as simple as walking around a garden.

3.  When do you feel truly happy? What do you believe happiness really is?

Happiness is not always an achievable goal for some people, especially those who believe that they can never have enough of it. This comes into play when people use substances or become addicts to sex, gambling, porn, or other things that create temporary happiness. I believe that true happiness is more in line with being content than anything else. In short, when you don’t want for things. I believe this because I have experience with addiction in my family, and this influences my viewpoint. When you don't want for things, this enables you to focus on the present and the current experiences you are having and build memories, which then will feed into further happiness and prevent unhappiness by equipping you with experiences to call back upon in times of need.

4.  What does your soul/true self want? Are you living a life that is aligned with that/those desire(s)?

I believe my true soul wants to feel needed. Selfishly, I want to feel like the people that I love need me and want me around. I also think that my soul yearns to be heard, and I believe that every person wants to be heard and accepted despite their shortcomings. I struggle to feel connection and love (I think because of my upbringing) and oftentimes will push people away in fear that my vulnerability is a turn-off. I think this is why my goal is to be someone who can support and guide others, since I often lack that same support and guidance, and see that many people are reaching out for it.

I am not living a life that is aligned with these values at the moment. I am kind of taking a backseat from what I want to be doing career-wise which would support my desire to help and listen to others, because I think that I need to be ready to listen before I take on such a monumental task. At this point in time, I am not ready to listen because I fear that I have so much to say that it clouds my judgement, my thoughts, and lessens my ability to support others since I am so stuck in my own head.

5.  What kind of impact do you want to have on the world? What legacy do you want to leave behind when you die?

I want to make other people happy. I think of my Grandma who passed away, and how she was so full of love for her family and wish my impact on this world could be something similar. I know that my impact radius will most likely be small, but as a teacher, I want to be able to inspire students to value others, rather than have an individualistic mindset. I think the people we often love the most are less individualistic, and more geared towards supporting the group, whether that be a family, a community, or even a classroom.

When I die, I don't want people to be sad, but rather I want them to be inspired to support others in my honor. I think about when I have grandchildren, how I would want them to remember me as someone who was helpful, loving, and wise. You cannot be wise unless you have knowledge of yourself and others.

6.  Will you share a hardship you’ve experienced in your life? Do you believe this hardship was associated with a culture you identify with? Why or why not?

A hardship that I have experienced in my life is the loss of my addict mother, and the removal of my father from my immediate support system due to a cross-country relocation. This is not a part of my culture or identity, my addict mother came from a wealthy background, she simply had a disease that unfortunately she could not be cured from. My dad moving away has nothing to do with my culture, just financial strain, and the need for a life change.

7.  If you looked back at a photo of yourself as a child, do you still identify with that person and those dreams? Please explain your response.

When I look at myself as a child, I see the changes that have occurred throughout my life and no longer identify with that person today. I think that my life experience has influenced my morals and values so deeply, that even the roots system that they are founded on is profoundly different from when I was a child. There are a few similarities that remain steadfast, including my need to be creative, my bubbly personality, and my sensitivity, but the dreams that I had when I was a kid are well and truly gone. When I was little, I wanted to be different than everyone else, I wanted to stand out. Now, all I want is to be a part of the group. In fact, I think I need to be a part of the group to feel good about myself or be successful.

8.  What does “living the good life” mean to you?

Author John Green once spoke about his experience as a bestselling author, and how when his novel, The Fault in Our Stars was released, he found himself touring around the country, making tons of money, getting invited to exclusive parties and events, and meeting prestigious and successful people. He claims that he was living "the dream." However, "the dream" was not his dream. He would much rather watch soccer with his friends, work out in the garden with his wife, and take walks with his kids. This is how I feel too. I think money is valuable only in pursuit of experiences with those we love.

[astriiformes]

any words of wisdom for someone who has to withdraw from their senior fall semester for health reasons? brain and body both decided to breakdown this semester and it's hit the point where i have to drop out. I know you have some experience with that, so... any advice?

First of all, I truly hope taking a withdrawal is very healing and helpful for you. I'm sorry it's been a rough semester and, having been there, I know how hard it is to accept that in order for things to get better you might have to make a choice that hurts in order to take care of yourself. But it's still commendable.

I don't know if your plans are to go back or not (or to wait a bit and see), but the best thing you can do for yourself is to keep in mind that, either way, there are still paths forward for you. I know that both times I had to withdraw from school, the part that proved the hardest and most dangerous for me was the fear/feeling that, in doing so, I had messed up so badly that it ruined my chances at future happiness. That, and feeling like it reflected on my value -- especially as someone who had essentially placed all my value on how good I used to be at school before then. But there are so many things we can do with our lives, and so many ways to add feelings of value to them. School is just one option.

(It's also, obviously, important to remember that "having value" is an arbitrary standard that's harmful to apply to people in the first place -- there is value just in existing, and the mindset that we all have to contribute something important to the world to justify our existence is basically a harmful social construct. We all add something just by being here, too, hard as that can be to imagine.)

I don't know where your energy level -- physical or emotional -- is going to be at, or how long your break is going to end up being, but if you want and/or feel up to something a little more actionable, I would highly recommend making yourself a list of hobbies or causes you find "valuable" in some way and that you also think add something to the world (independent of school, or academics) and to explore small ways to integrate them into your life while you rest from other obligations. Is there a type of craft you love making -- or have always wanted to learn -- that you could spend some extra time on now? A volunteer opportunity you could look into since you have more free time, that would be less stressful than school but still allow you to feel like you're doing something meaningful? A friend or group of friends you could spend more time with? Anything you feel like you would be proud of is worth investing in, because it gives you something tangible to point to when your brain starts whispering that you've "given up" on doing "important things" by taking a much-needed break.

But even if you don't feel up to that, remember that no time -- especially not time you're using to take care of yourself -- is wasted. It's easy to compare yourself to other people who got through school without needing to withdraw, but the things that shape our lives and take us places we end up being happy we journeyed to take all shapes and forms, and theirs just looks different than yours, not inherently "better." I know if I hadn't had to withdraw from school for several years, I would probably never have moved to Minnesota, where I have made so many good friends (some of whom are basically family at this point), or worked at the science museum I did, where I had the chance to educate people about topics that are super important to me and do some really fulfilling equity work, or have realized the full depth of my passion for science communication (instead of just wanting to be a scientist), which I now hope will help me do even more things I'm proud of in the future. Even now that I'm back in school, I've stumbled my way into a degree program that's a better fit for me than either of my old ones I had to pull out of ever were. And while I still have a lot of shame, and regret, and mourning tied to the fact that my life didn't go the way I originally wanted it to, every time my brain starts to play that "What if?" game, I am finding it easier and easier to turn it around and counter it by saying "Well, yes, but what if I didn't have these other things, too?"

The thing about life is that we never know what experiences we are ultimately going to be grateful figured into it. Giving up on a dream -- or even taking a break from it -- can feel like an immense tragedy, and in the moment it often feels impossible to imagine it will ever be something you overcome. I'm sure that's where you're at right now, and I know how hard it is to see the pinpricks of light in what feels like an immense, scary darkness. And even as I'm offering all this, I know that hearing "Things will still be okay and you might even find worth in this in the end" sounds like the absolute lamest possible platitude, because even knowing your life can swing upwards from here doesn't change the fact that, in the moment, it really hurts to live it! You're absolutely still allowed to be sad, and mad, and frustrated about that. You don't have to love the idea that this painful experience is the path you ended up on, at least not right now. But I am sure you will ultimately still find things that bring you joy, or that you find worth in, or new paths to go down, and slowly, those lights will get easier and easier to see, until eventually you start connecting them into constellations, where those small, individual, bright things together start to tell a story you feel better about.

You've actually caught me at a point where I've been thinking a lot recently about who I used to be and how much it's informed where I am now. And one thing I keep coming back to is that, while the idea that you have to suffer to get to places you feel proud of, or that every bad experience you have is ultimately going to have some significant meaning is, to put it lightly, a bunch of harmful, nonsense, there is one comfort I can actually take from every single awful period of my life -- which is that I am so, so grateful to the person I was for pushing past that point, no matter how much it hurt or sucked at the time, so that I could be here now. If there's anything you hang onto while you're going through this, let it be the idea that not only is there a path forward, but that there is a version of you a little further down the timeline who is going to feel so, so much compassion for what you dealt with, and be so, so grateful you did, and love you so, so much for it. I feel so much sympathy and kindness for the younger me that used to cry his eyes out over what felt like the ultimate failure -- especially after my second, more long-term withdrawal -- and while I am still carrying that hurt with me in a lot of ways, there's also something overwhelmingly soft in feeling like my existence now is the comfort he needed back then, and that in living through that pain, I ultimately gave all the things that make me happy today to.... myself. I know from my own experience that "It gets better" feels like the absolute flimsiest comfort in the moment and I feel kind of useless even offering it because I remember it being almost impossible to internalize, but I do think that "You will be grateful to yourself for getting through this pain" is a slightly realer-feeling sentiment, that acknowledges the hurt you're feeling in the moment while also promising it's not the end.

Can I leave you with a poem? Or at least, the end of one? Long-time followers will know I have a whole thing about Longfellow's writing, but one of my favorites of his ("The Light of Stars") deals pretty overtly with the idea that, while hurt still really, genuinely hurts, pushing past it is ultimately a feeling we can value, too. The two closing stanzas have been a comfort to me for a long time, and are some of my favorites in all of poetry:

And thou, too, whosoe'er thou art, That readest this brief psalm, As one by one thy hopes depart, Be resolute and calm.

O fear not in a world like this, And thou shalt know erelong, Know how sublime a thing it is To suffer and be strong.

[lynkhart]

MAJOR spoilers for the C2 finale of Critical Role so read at your own risk of you haven’t caught up!

I have so many feelings regarding Caleb and Essek’s intertwining character arcs I needed to explore, so strap in folks, you’re in for a bit of a ride! (But seriously though, this is like 4000 words long, I basically wrote an essay 😂)

At the start of the campaign, Caleb Widogast was dripping in guilt and self loathing and refused to believe he could ever absolve himself of his sins. Essek Thelyss was a cold, aloof individual who betrayed his people for selfish goals, and their differing yet mirrored narratives have been an absolute delight to watch unfold.

In the beginning Caleb truly hated himself. He shot down any attempt at a compliment, described himself as a ‘disgusting person’, outright rejected the idea that he was worthy of love, and never let the blame shift from him for what he’d done. When Beauregard and Veth/Nott pointed out that he was coerced and manipulated into killing his parents, he reacts in an incredibly visceral way, and I’ve seen several comments likening it to a victim of child abuse who was groomed into believing they were as responsible as their abuser, and I think that’s exactly how it was meant to be read. He doesn’t see himself as a victim, only a murderer, and punishes himself for it every day. We see this in the way he presents himself, dirty and unkempt because in his mind he doesn’t deserve to feel good about himself in any way. Other than Nott/Veth and Beau to a certain degree, he purposefully isolates himself from the rest of the group and it’s a long time until he feels relaxed enough in their company to drop his defences a little.

(Speaking from a purely meta point of view, Liam did an absolutely phenomenal job of showing this through body language and I’d love to see someone do a compilation video of it. He starts off very hunched and guarded, leaning his body away from the closest person to him and avoiding eye contact and physical touch; but by the end stands tall and sure of himself.)

Early on there were a few moments where he had the option to do some pretty dark shit, and I’m sure there’s a possible timeline where he gave into his desire for revenge and really lost his way, but I’m glad he stuck it out and worked through his trauma in the way he did. His PTSD and disassociation when casting with fire was tragic, but over time he was able to work through it thanks to the constant love and support of his friends who kept him from going off at the deep end.

Molly’s death was the catalyst for change in a lot of the party, and Caleb is no exception. On the verge of leaving the group prior to his death, the grief they shared, combined with their frantic attempt to rescue the other half of their party put things in perspective and gradually he learned how to be a person again, to care.

Altering time to save his family had been Caleb’s only goal in life, and so when Essek and by extension, dunamancy was introduced, you could see his eyes light up at the possibilities.

A huge turning point for him is aligned so closely with Essek’s redemption arc which feels quite apt I think. When Essek confesses to his crimes, Caleb delivers a beautifully iconic piece of dialogue where he acknowledges their similarities and how much he himself has changed as a person since meeting the Mighty Nein. (Source - CR wiki)

‘You listen to me. I know what you are talking about. I know. And the difference between you and I is thinner than a razor. I know what it means to have other people complicate your desires and wishes. And I was like you. Was. I know what a fool I have been for years. You didn't account for us. Good. That is life. Shit hits you sideways in life and no one is prepared. No one is ready. These people changed me. These people can change you. You were not born with venom in your veins. You learned it. You learned it. You have a rare opportunity here, Thelyss. One chance to save yourself, and we are offering it.’

This is not the same Caleb we met back in the Nestled Nook inn way back in the first episode. While not yet fulfilled or entirely convinced of his own worth, he knows he’s on the right path. That alone is progress enough, but that he uses his own experiences to help another escape those same chains of guilt says such a lot for his development. When he tells Essek that his ‘venom’ was learned, he’s also talking about himself and his own history of being manipulated and gaslit, with the implication being that it can be un-learned just as efficiently.

Caleb Widogast is selfish no more, or at the very least, doesn’t let his goals undermine anyone else’s anymore. Contrary to what he himself might still think, he is in no way a bad person. He loves fiercely and cannot abide seeing those he cares about in pain.

Early game Essek is what Caleb could have been if he’d rejected his friends and focused solely on his own selfish goal to undo his mistakes. Both are impassive at first and see the Mighty Nein as means to an end...until they get to know them and then their fate is sealed. The Power of Friendship wins once again!

At the beginning Caleb said he wanted to ‘bend reality to my will’ (sic) and in the end he does just that, though not in the way he originally intended. Destroying the T-Dock, and by extension the one thing he’d been building towards from the start, the chance to go back and change time, for me personally was the absolute peak of his journey. I rewatched the scene where Caleb revealed the truth about his parents death today, and it was really jarring to see just how far he’d come since then. It made me oddly proud actually.

I always felt like his plan to save his parents was the one thing holding him back from truly accepting their deaths, which is why the final scene of him in the cemetery with the letters for them hit so hard. He never truly gave up hope that they’d be reunited, but ultimately he realised he was merely postponing the inevitable and never allowing himself to live his own life. While time travel shenanigans would have been incredibly interesting to explore in game, choosing to let the past lie and not go back for them finally allows him to grieve and move on, and perhaps most importantly of all, to forgive himself at last.

I know some people were annoyed by Caleb’s decision in the finale to spend the rest of his life teaching rather than continuing to adventure, but I see it as the natural conclusion to his whole arc and his own personal victory.

He looked Trent Ikithon in the eyes, a man who he’d spent years wanting to kill and run from in equal measure, stripped him of his power and his voice (and ultimately his ability to harm anyone else) and finally spared his life so he had to live with the indignity of his defeat for the rest of his miserable existence. You couldn’t have asked for a more damning rejection of everything he’d been brainwashed into believing as a child. His dismissal of Trent��s position in the Assembly played into that as well. He never really wanted power for the sake of it; he had no desire for politics, he just wanted his family back, and while he didn’t get the one he started with, he made a new one for himself in the end.

As Caduceus once very wisely said:

‘Pain doesn’t make people; it's love that makes people. The pain is inconsequential; it's love that saves them.’

Caleb gets to break the cycle of abuse and teach a new generation of mages the way he should have been, with kindness and respect, and I’m pretty sure he’d have introduced a handsome drow as a guest lecturer from time to time. 😉

Speaking of...

Essek described himself as selfish and as a coward, forever putting his own wants and desires first, yet over the course of his journey with the Nein we see his priorities change drastically.

Having friends gives him people to care about, something he’s never had before, and it changes his outlook on life completely. For me, the first time we really see this is when he joins them for dinner in the Xorhaus and stops levitating. It’s a subtle thing, but meaningful. He explains that it had become an expectation of him, a quirk he’s known for, and so to feel comfortable enough around the Nein to drop that pretence is quite bold I think.

Much later, when he chooses to destroy the mini beacon they discover in Aeor in order to give everyone a long rest before the final confrontation with Lucian, he’s essentially giving up everything he betrayed his people for, just to keep his friends safe. The existence and context of that single artefact could have had an earthshattering impact on the Dynasty’s entire culture, forcing them to reevaluate their entire belief system and attitude to the Luxon, something he’d wanted from the start, something he helped start a war for, but he offered it up as a sacrifice without a second thought.

I’d say that’s a pretty big morality shift, and I’m super interested to see if Matt reveals if his alignment changed in the post campaign Q&A. I have a feeling he set him up as a potential BBEG but the party was like ‘no, you can’t have him, he’s ours now’ and that was the end of that. 😂

I think it says so much about the other characters too, that they befriended this person they barely knew, and when he was revealed to have done such terrible things, their first reaction was to give him comfort and an opportunity to atone. Jester held his hand while he confessed, and afterwards, while they didn’t immediately forgive him, they saw the good in him and wanted him to be better, which ultimately feels like what the entire campaign was about, leaving places (and people) better than they found them. It’s obvious that he’s never really had many friends before and has therefore never had the opportunity to be emotionally open with anyone, so seeing him gradually warm up to the Nein and allow himself to soften around them was really lovely to watch.

(Obviously, from a realistic moral perspective, he still fucked up big time. He’s still a godsdamned war criminal and really should have been put on trial for what he did, but I think from a narrative and personal point of view, his redemption arc was far more satisfying, so I’m glad it happened the way it did. (And not to derail but the rest of the gang have done some pretty horrific stuff as well, though perhaps not quite on the same scale)

He has a few moments towards the end that I absolutely love because they show that beneath the guilt and anguish, there’s an incredibly sweet and sensitive soul in there, just wanting acceptance. His dry jokes which often don’t quite hit, (the ‘I will punish the bakery’ line is such an under-appreciated one 😂) his simple joy at learning to garden in the Blooming Grove, and realising that he’d never been asked what his favourite food was before was actually kind of heartbreaking, because it highlighted how lonely his life must have been until that time. There was a moment pretty early on I think when he cast disguise on the party and Jester asked if he could cast it again to change the look of her outfit a bit and while he seemed to find it amusing, he refused, not wanting to waste a spell on such a frivolous request. Cut to their time in Aeor where he burns a fly spell just so he and Caleb can flirtatiously swoop around each other for a couple of minutes, all the while trying to beat Lucian to the city.

His breakdown when Molly’s resurrection failed really cemented to me how much he’d grown as a character. He never met Molly, his only knowledge of him was secondhand, through the eyes of his friends, but seeing it fail just broke him because he knew how much it hurt them to go through it all over again.

His comment to Caleb about not admitting defeat and wishing he could do more did get me wondering at the time if he was going to try and do something crazy, perhaps sacrificing himself via the Temporal Dock to make amends or somehow forcing another reroll, but I’m glad he didn’t. The conversation following that with Fjord was one of my favourites- he shows him acceptance and belief in his potential for the future, something he’s lacked for a long time, and when Caleb bluntly affirms afterwards that he is indeed an official member of the Mighty Nein, it’s the start of the rest of his life, and something he’s exceptionally grateful for.

It all leads to that final moment in Aeor with Caleb, when, presented with the opportunity to alter time and undo everything, he chooses to accept his decisions and carry the weight of his sins for the rest of his long life. That’s...huge.

He’s essentially choosing to live the rest of his existence as a fugitive, forever on the run, with no guaranteed peace or safety. He chooses to spend his life making up for his deeds, rather than looking for an easy way out.

I think that may have had a big impact on why Caleb ultimately made the same decision, as if Essek had been up for altering his timeline I think he’d have struggled to resist it himself. The conversation they had earlier in Aeor about their priorities and resisting temptation really comes to mind as well.

Now, to the relationship.

It was subtle, and not as ‘in your face’ obvious as the other characters, but I’ve been watching and hoping for a long time and I must say, it feels good to be vindicated.

(And if you have any doubt, both Matt and Liam confirmed on Twitter that their post finale relationship was 100% romantic)

I’d been hoping that Shadowgast would be a canon endgame relationship for a while, so the finale, and the aforementioned T-Dock scene in particular had me quite literally shaking with emotion as I watched live. Here you have two men, both damaged and guilt-stricken in their own ways, who find in each other a kindred spirit and a path to redemption.

They’re both very guarded and closed off people, but Essek in particular has a definite shift in the last arc of the campaign especially when it came to his interactions with Caleb. At the start he was quite aloof and stoic, though charming, and they had an instant connection through their shared love of the arcane, (anyone who couldn’t see them making heart eyes at each other when Essek was describing the different types of magic he could teach Caleb was clearly blind) but by the end he was incredibly open to showing his vulnerabilities and that takes a lot, especially for someone whose primary focus was to stay in control of every aspect of his life. The ‘Caleb, I’m scared’ moment during the Trent fight in particular made my heart ache.

No, we didn’t get a dramatic declaration of love or a cinematic mid-battle kiss, but I’d argue that their relationship was just as, if not more intimate than any of the other main characters were. They understood each other in a way the others didn’t, their shared guilt, feelings of inadequacy and their obsession with magic forged a deep connection from the get-go. Neither of them are big fans of PDA I think, though Caleb is tactile as hell (forehead touches and kisses, oh man, I’m so weak for those 😩👌) and some of their most iconic moments have them putting themselves in harm’s way to protect the other. Essek shaking off his forced guilt trip immediately after the now infamous forehead touch in ep140 was beautifully poetic, as was using his fortune’s favour to pull Caleb out of the rubble moments before. Caleb trying to include him in his Sphere of Invulnerability in the finale and Essek staying close to him the whole fight despite being obviously terrified of Trent was the icing on the cake. It’s clear that they care for each other a great deal; whether by the finale they’d consider it love is up for debate, but we know that’s eventually where it ended up and honestly, I love that. I deeply appreciated the fact Matt and Liam both emphasised that they took their time with their relationship, letting each other heal in their own way before they took the next step. All too often in media, and real life too sadly, a romantic relationship is seen as some kind of quick fix, and that a lover will somehow complete you or make all your problems vanish. They knew this wasn’t the case here, and that made it all the better.

While I would have *loved* to have seen them together as a couple right to the very end, the change in their relationship felt right, if bittersweet. I doubt they ever stopped loving each other, and if anything, choosing to shift to a deep and lifelong friendship over a romance that would cause them both so much pain is one of the kindest things you could do for someone you love. After all, friendship isn’t a downgrade, just another way of experiencing that same love, and it wasn’t as though they broke up and never saw each other again, it was pretty strongly implied that they remained a major feature in each other’s lives, they just changed their label slightly. Caleb would hate to have forced Essek to watch him wither away, and although his eventual passing would hurt Essek regardless, incompatible lifespans being what they are, having a period of time to adjust to it, to give them a buffer between the inevitable heartbreak was actually really sweet.

Their romance was no accident, they knew going in that it had a time limit, that it wasn’t going to be forever for one of them, and the fact they did it anyway says so much. They began their adventure wholeheartedly believing that they were both, in their own way incapable of love, only to later find it with each other. Whether their relationship lasted for a couple of years or multiple decades is irrelevant, what matters is that while it did they had a happy and fulfilled life together.

I know some folk wanted Caleb to use the transmogrification spell on himself so he could live on with Essek as another elf, or make him human instead, but that would have been way out of character for both I think. If they could have backwards engineered one of the rejuvenation stations in Aeor and used it to extend Caleb’s life by a hundred years or so, so he’d have a similar lifespan to Veth, now, I could have seen him possibly doing that, so he could spend more time with his best friend too, but nothing further I think. He longed to be reunited with his parents too much to postpone death unnaturally like that.

That both Caleb and Essek ultimately chose to live with their mistakes and make peace with themselves was incredibly cathartic, and I couldn’t imagine it playing out any better.

The fact Matt has explicitly stated Essek is Demi too means so much to me personally because the latter is a label I’ve been identifying with a lot recently, and it’s so rare for aspec relationships to get any representation! It has honestly given me a lot to think about over the last few days, and I really appreciate it.

To conclude, here’s a bit of shameless self promotion. I wrote this after watching the finale and honestly feel like it sums up my feelings on the nature of their relationship pretty well.

‘A casual hand on a shoulder, a waist, a wrist; a gentle kiss placed on a forehead is common between them now, an intimacy born of trust and mutual affection. Over time it grows, like a fire born of seasoned timber; gradual and steady, no spluttering kindling that flares and sparks, but a slow burn, one which lasts.

Their love is embroidered into every aspect of their lives together. Acts of service, of comfort, of understanding.

Sometimes a kiss leads to more than a kiss, sometimes it doesn’t. Either way they are content.‘

So yeah, I love these two wizard boys so very much and I couldn’t be happier with the conclusion of their stories. ❤️

[queerprayers]

Hello. This might be a bit of an unorthodox ask, or maybe not. I’m also fully aware no one can make this choice for me, but it’s also not a choice I want to make alone.

So I’m a Latine Catholic. My family was never all that religious. They never had a problem with my queerness or been all too bothered by what I actually believed. We are already somewhat out of the box- my father doesn’t believe in going to church and he doesn’t believe in an afterlife. My mother believes in reincarnation and an eventual, inevitable Heaven. I told my mom once that I was considering paganism and she was just interested in what I could tell her about the theology. So the problem is me. I have ocd and a deep fear of hell and of G*d’s judgement. I spiraled so badly into scrupulosity two years ago that I consider it a religious trauma. I relaxed, eventually, but not without having learned a lot about religion, including about Judaism. It shaped a lot of what I believe, and I deeply, deeply want to convert and be truly Jewish. I’m in love with the religion in a way I have only found pieces of in my own. But that’s the problem. I do love parts of my religion- the saints and Jesus and the mysticism. and deep down Im still terrified of a hell I don’t believe in. But no matter how many times I resolve to stay Catholic, the desire to be Jewish doesn’t leave, and I feel guilty for it. Terrified G*d will punish me for it. But do you think it’s possible to be called to follow another religious path? That, perhaps, I was born to make this choice?

Sorry if this is a lot. I’ve just been confused for like two years now so I thought I’d give asking someone else a shot. Hope you’re well

Hello beloved,

I'm finally answering this! I did not forget you, and have been thinking about your ask and praying for you in the past couple weeks. I've just been dealing with my own stuff—the delay was not because it was too unorthodox or too much, neither of which exist in my inbox :)

I wanted to start out by saying that I'm so proud of how far you've come and am so sorry you've had so much trouble. Your problems might be more internal than external, but I promise that doesn't make you a problem. You are not the problem—just thought I'd make sure you know that.

I just wanted to note that "I'm still terrified of a hell I don't believe in" is such a true and raw statement and I connect with it so deeply.

Trauma can change our lives in terrifying ways, and it's usually not what we had in mind for ourselves. The very existence of trauma implies a life-changing event(s), and so the fact that your life is changing is perfectly reasonable. Many others more knowledgeable and articulate than I have spoken about trauma, but just know that you're not alone in feeling confusion and pain.

Your relationship to faith sounds beautiful and meaningful as well as painful, and it makes me so happy that you've found beauty in religion even after experiencing trauma. There are many people for whom multiple religious traditions affect their theology—you're not alone and it's not weird.

I connect immensely to Judaism—check out my tag! Judaism is an absolutely beautiful, holy religion that any Christian with any knowledge of their history should support and affirm. We worship a traditionally Jewish god. I affirm that a Palestinian Jew brought us salvation.

Yes, I believe it's possible to be called to a religion. As a Christian, I believe that Jesus is the true Messiah, but I also believe everyone is called to serve God in different ways, and that I don't know everything. I wrote in this ask about whether only Christians would be saved, and how I look at other faiths.

I'm a Lutheran Christian not because I believe wholly in everything Christians preach, or because I don't feel connected to other traditions, but because for me, right now, this is the way I am closest to God and serve Them. Being a part of a faith community doesn't mean you agree with everything 100%, and converting doesn't mean you let go of everything you've believed in the past. You can stay connected to saints and Jesus and mysticism while pursuing a life in the Jewish tradition. Obviously different traditions look at things like this differently, but ultimately, don't let anyone take those connections you have away from you. Whether you're a Jew with connections to Catholicism or a Catholic with connections to Judaism—you'll end up kind of unorthodox either way, but you'll be you.

You were definitely born to do this. I don't know exactly what this is, mind you, but you're here and you're asking these questions for a reason, and I believe there is an existence out there for you full of peace and holiness.

Questions to ask yourself/things to think about:

In what faith space/tradition do you see yourself most able to serve God, your neighbor, and yourself?

Is the religious tradition you're in right now accepting of your connections to other faiths? Would the tradition you convert to be?

Imagine being a Catholic for your entire life. What emotions come up? Are you satisfied/fulfilled? Will you spend every moment wondering what your life would be like if you made a different choice?

Is the only reason you're still a Christian fear? Is that something you want to build your faith on? What could you build your faith on instead? What would that look like?

God will always be there. To come back to, to call by a different name, to pray to in a different language, to be angry at, to be scared of, to worship. No matter how far you think you're running or where you go, God is with you.

I wrote this ask about choosing a denomination, but some of it applies here too.

Let me know if there's anything I can do for you! Sending you so much love and keeping you in my prayers.

<3 Johanna

[braided-roses]

What is the best way to tease someone?

A 3,449 word essay broadly covering the methods with which we tease

Twenty-five minute read

"There can be no true despair without hope... I will feed the people of Gotham hope to poison their souls."

Bane: Dark Knight Rises

“Without hope, there is no despair. There is only meaningless suffering.”

D. Morgenstern

For this essay I will define teasing as a playfully enforced delay of indulgence. While the above quotes are dark for sure, and do not directly apply to this topic, I think they highlight aspects of teasing that are foundational to its differences from other forms of play. I believe there can be no true teasing without hope of gaining one's desire. If one feels they cannot reach their goal or desire, I believe that becomes an expression of submission to another, to the situation, but not a teasing of the mind.

Studying the possibilities of this field of play is one that takes special care because it draws on what we know about our counterparts like few other disciplines do. It requires us to first know what our counterpart desires most, and how to then playfully enforce the delay of indulging in that desire. Finding out what another craves, and creating structures with which to playfully impede the immediate gratification of that craving are challenging enough on their own, but combining these working pieces of teasing into a system is incredibly complicated— requiring intimate knowledge of one's counterpart’s boundaries and turn offs. While there can be no best way to tease someone, because of our inherent human complexities, this essay will attempt to put forth the best practices I know to have a mutually rewarding and pleasurable experience.

I think the first step in the process of teasing is to gain understanding; Get to know each other, build understanding, rapport and trust. This knowledge may be gained through focused, play specific conversations. Communicating in this way allows effective play to happen sooner. For example one could have a conversation as brief as please rub my clit until you break my mind, I'll beg you to let me cum, but don't let me. I'll tell you to stop if something goes wrong, and we'll talk about it after. The two drawbacks of this style of conversation is that it will remove some surprise as there isn't enough information yet to synthesize possible play patterns on your own, and one will lack a whole understanding of the person one is going to play with.

If a more holistic experience is desired though, it comes through best, in many cases, through a conversation as broader life and fantasies are discussed over many conversations that take place naturally and organically. The bits of information that may apply to play may be more separated, but they come with so much more information that can all be used to generate a deeper relationship, and broader play. We learn about each other through the listening mentioned above, and in our turn sharing our own desires and hesitancies. We have to open up also so we can be cared for ourselves and build trust through reciprocated, honest, vulnerability. These conversations inform us and build trust as we learn that both sides hear each other, want good things for the pairing and will not shy away even from the more sexually hungry sides of each other.

While this type of understanding centered communication is meaningful on a grand, human scale, even in the comparably limited topic of teasing it is needed in many ways. First, that trust built will be necessary in teasing play as it often leads to walking the edge of what a person can handle in the moment, both mentally and physically. To what degree we can trust, we can relax our fears of being hurt, allowing us to enjoy each sensation with less calculation of how to protect ourselves, allowing us to live in the moment in proportion of our trust, and to have the confidence that our partner cares to hear us when we make objections. Secondly, the information gathered in good communication is essential in order to know: the desire we are waiting to fulfill, the stimuli we will later use to push our counterpart to the point until it consumes every bit of them, warn us of the stimuli that could end play terribly, and how to recover from that event should it happen.

Some examples of what we may learn about play in everyday life- You may learn how meaningful it is to your partner when you hold your partner's face in your hands as you kiss them, or he/she may ask you if the you like being made to chase them down in a kiss. They might mention how they love the pain of their workouts, or that high rep sets are their favorite because they get test how long they can go before their will breaks. Watching a movie, and seeing one of the couples depicted playfully kissing each other, your partner might reveal that pulling away from a kiss doesn’t read as a building of desire to them, instead it feels like one is trivializing their highest expression of love— Making them feel their love is disrespected and devolved into a game. These lessons should be drawn deeply within ourselves. Making note of what makes them feel loved and pleausured, and special note of what makes them feel awful. Violating these turnoffs by accident or design may have terrible trust breaking outcomes. It is important to understand the reasonings and depth of their dislikes. One's dislike may be superficial, like forms of pain that, with a different approach, can be enjoyable, but some, like the kiss, may be fundamental to their world view. (Example of what could be synthesized from the above person’s information may be found at the bottom — Bonus Example 2)

The second thing is to determine how you will delay their indulgence in what they crave, by means of space, time, or even their own will. All of these modes and tools can be used in vast and narrow applications. Space, for example, can be used in inches or miles. Suppose your submissive wanted to touch, but you knew they wanted to be teased even more than to rub. You could grab your trusty ropes and tie their hands, one to the bed post, and the other by way of slinging a rope through the head board. You could release the tension until their hand is an inch away from their most sensitive spot. They can twist and moan and beg as they can almost reach, their finger tips just able to move the sensitive flesh nearest their most sensitive spot. They could reach up and play with less sensitive spots, but they won’t be able to reach any more, at least not without raising their hips to their hand, which can become quite challenging. Space has now been used as a tease. A boundary on their experience that they cannot get out of, nor do they truly wish to escape. A second instance of space as a teasing tool, known as "The Kiss" will be given in my final example at the end of this essay (Bonus example 1)

As examples for time and space — At work, one could be sending sexy texts to their counterpart who decides to be a little bratty. The dominant in this exchange could text back, “Say that again and I’ll have to remind you what happens to brats when their dominant gets home.” Knowing that their submissive will have to wait hours longer for the thrill of the attention of the punishment they asked for. In the same way a domme could send, "You've been such a good boy today, working so hard at work. I’ll keep dinner hot for you." Attached to this text would be little gif of her rubbing herself for him. He too will have to endure the boundaries of time and space. Time has been a tease in that hours will pass before they get their desire. Space has been incorporated in time because even if all parties from the individual couples decided to meet in the middle somewhere, they'd still be teased by time as they cannot magically teleport home to cross the space (if you can, please teach me). An example of time alone being a tease would be giving a submissive a vibrator with only five or ten minutes charge left in it. They can play all they want with it, but they don't know how long it will last.

The previous examples examined using time in minutes or hours, Time, like space, though, is incremental. Time can be used in minutes, hours, or like in the next example, seconds. Suppose you had an exhibitionist submissive walk with you in the woods and told them that they will flash you whenever you want them to. Already they’d be excited to have their desire at hand, knowing you crave to see them exposed, as well as the desire to be under your caring control. As you two walk you command your submissive to flash you for a few seconds here and there. Blushing, but proud, they obey. You praise them appropriately and enjoy your walk. Eventually you two hear the distant, barley audible, murmurs and stompings of a team of hikers. This time you turn to your submissive, order them to stop walking and command them to flash you, they willingly obey, but the knowledge that hikers are approaching you they risk discovery. They can hear the hikers drawing closer and they continue to obey, trusting you. Each tenth of a second registering in their minds and each snap of a twig causing their heart to pound in excitement. Time has become a tool for this second by second tease. As soon as you hear the first full word of the hikers you know they are almost close enough to see, so you order your sub to cover. You then praise your sub highly for their perfect submission and continue on your walk, no hiker the wiser.

Will is unique among the teasing tools. Time and space exist outside of our bodies, but will is our’s alone to interact with. Of all the tools of teasing will is perhaps the most wicked and most variable of all. If your submissive is a lawful-good type and aims to please, then you could use their will as a tease and simply ask them to spread their legs and start to rub or stroke for you. Tell them that they are not to cum without your permission. The pleasure from their body mixes with the pleasure from their mind as they internalize the fact that they are uniquely pleasing you, hopefully bolstered by your praise. These stimuli serve to push against their will to obey. What makes this particular mode so wicked is that their desire to please and obey is fueling their mental pleasure. Their will to obey forces them to stay within the boundaries you set, or lose what they truly crave- the sensation of pleasing you. As they get closer and closer their requests turn to quivering moans and groans- the craved treat of a teasing dominant-. You tell them no, and they continue to obey, rubbing or stroking for you. Their requests are denied until they speak in pleadings and beggings. In a bounded, short term tease of ending play, you simply let them cum, and praise them for their perfect obedience. In a boundless, pushing kind of tease though, you could deny permission until they slip over the edge and spectacularly cum. This form of play, for an obedience minded submissive, will feel like disobedience to them. — You must reinforce the fact they did all they could to obey you. You wanted to find their limit and they showed you beautifully.

For long term teasing you could tell them they are not to cum without your permission, if they do they will be punished for it. This punishment is one they are okay with, but might not know. This leaves them to fight their own will for pleasure, obedience, freedom, and even pain. Lest they slip over the edge, they might force themselves to stop altogether, or you could command them to stop, leaving them quivering in utter denial. Their will has been the tease preventing them from indulging in orgasm. You comfort them and tell them maybe you’ll change your mind tomorrow, but, for know, they're done. Now time and will act as the tease. You cannot supervise them at all times, and especially without chastity- their own self will begins tease them until eventually they must resist their own desires at all hours of the day. Proving to themselves they crave metaphysical pleasure more than the physical release.

You may also balance will with consequence of pain if your submissive is bratty or masochistic in a way. Telling them that if they slip over the edge they will be punished, even tortured. Without knowing exactly what it is they may fight harder to stay on the edge. They edge spectacularly for you, but eventually crumble under the self inflicted stimuli, they cum and you deliver the next stimuli- maybe you simply force their hand to hold the vibrator against them, turning teasing play into overstimulation, or turn them over to spank them.

The third thing that must be done is to manage the environment we are in to best suit the play we will have. The space we are in should be constructed to do as much of the heavy lifting in our communication of the tone of the experience, and the desires of our counterpart, that we can. For example, an environment that is clean and bare suggests that nothing else will be happening in this space but what the two of you create. This type of room seems fitted to a private submissive who cherishes time and quiet exploration, and will become stressed or distracted by a number of other stimuli. A single sash and short rope laying on the couch suggests light bondage will be involved. A kind of quiet in the room implies that no one will be interrupting their play. They can take all the time in the world. On the other hand, a hot kitchen that is just a few steps from a noisy living room full of friends can generate a whole new tone. One of desperate craving for your counterpart, a contrast between the necessitated quietness of your actions and the noise and business of the space, a daring display of desire as you two risk discovery of your intimate acts with even the smallest allowances of expression- such as slipping your hand under their shirt and scratching up then down their back. If they let out a noise, they could be discovered. If someone walks in, they'll have to act like they haven't been delightfully toyed with for who knows how long, or the two of you might have to talk your way out of it. (Bonus points by the way if you pretend to be casually doing something else while your sub enjoys the predicament you're creating) Suddenly a kitchen becomes an environment perfect for sadomasochism and borderline exhibitionism. A room were will, time and space are used to holistically create a tease.

Finally, words and tone should be used to highlight the teasing. Drawing on the hope of the situation, highlighting what prevents them from indulgence, seems like the most fundamental approach to using our words to tease. Even in a relatively SFW tease with a short sub that is into strength kink, and having her height used against her. You could hold a stuffed animal out of her reach, she'd enjoy her feeble attempts at trying to snatch it away from you. Highlighting this exchange with your words would likely be welcomed. "Oh come on, hun. You have to be stronger than that. Maybe get up on your tip toes and reach for it. Haha. You're using both of your arms. Can't you pull harder? To end this form of play you could simply hand it to her, or let her gain some ground and take it from you before you transition to another fun game.

In summary, the best general approach to teasing someone is by fully utilizing the knowledge we have of their desires and drives, selection and use of proper abstract and practical blocks to that desire formatted to what degree they like to be pushed in their comfort levels or have their impulses blocked, that balance hope and the knowledge they will likely not succeed should then be traced with our words. All of which is bounded within trust and care for their overall well-being.

Bonus examples

1. The Kiss

I grasp her face with both my hands, knowing this makes her feel desired. My eyes meet hers and she knows this will be no little kiss. She shuts her eyes. I use her favorite kiss, placing the softest kiss I can on her waiting lips. She lets out a little shiver. She pushes into me gently, and I pull away just enough to keep our kisses feathered. I kiss down her jaw line, moving my face nearer to her ear and whisper a command to stay perfectly still as I let her go. I pace around her once, gently caressing, with one finger, places that catch my eye, her sensitive jaw line and clavicle, along her lower spine. I slip a finger into her waist band and slide across a few inches. Then I tug her by her waist band to me. I catch her by her shoulder and steady her, placing my hand on her jaw I pull her in for another kiss. I praise her for keeping her eyes shut. What a good girl she is. While I caress her cheeks and brush her hair away from her face, kissing her cheeks and forehead as I do this. I ask “are you going to continue to be a good girl for me? She breathes out a hot “yes” , “Look up”, I command. I place my hand on her neck and pull her into a deep kiss- gently moaning into her lips. I push her off and again praise her for being so obedient, so compliant. Praising her plump lips. I bring her back this time for gentle kisses. This proceeds until they become more insistent again, my grip on her neck tightens ever so slightly and she kisses me more intensely. I push her off and tell her soft kisses now. We return. She does so well at first. It’s not but a minute or two before she starts to get more intense though, whining and squirming into me trying to kiss me more deeply. Now I begin to pull slightly away each time the kiss becomes to firm. Leading her in a chase. Backing myself slowly into the corner she has lost track of. I push her off of me and say “You will kiss me gently. Yes, baby?” “Yes. Please” “Good girl. Now kiss me”, she goes to lean into me, but realizes my strong arm will no longer let her. She fights my strength, choking herself in my grip- I’m careful to keep my palm away from her trachea. I see her hunger flicker to desperation- I tell her to open. Her eyes snap open and I see her pupils constrict as they focus in the light and on me. As soon as she opens her eyes I grab her shoulder with other hand and pivot my hips, stepping forward and slinging her to my former spot as I switch places with her- now she is in the corner and I say, leaning in to just outside of her necks reach “oh, come on, baby. I thought you wanted to kiss me?” I feel her hot breath on my lips. “I do, please” I extend my arm again. “Prove it” she pushes again. Hungry eyes on mine. I watch her expression waiting for the slightest break in arousal, a second or two later I allow my arm to bend and let her come to me. It’s her turn now to lead. I grab her rib cage and let her press her lips into mine as she please. My hands caress her sides as she spins, pushing me into the corner. I match her passion and rhythm. She presses her body into mine, squirming against me as she places kisses on my lips, fevered and then soft and then heavy again. When she seems to be fading in decision, I slowly spin her back into the corner. My forearm framing her face on one side, my palm on her cheek, my fingers in her hair, and my extended arm on the other side boxing her in. I place soft kisses on her flushed skin and proceed to praise her and hold her gently.

2. Bonus example two. Referencing paragraph six. — Once we have this information of preferences and possible obstructions of it we can begin to synthesize it into possible modes of, and tools for, play for long or short term. For instance, using the above examples we can put together a possible play session that involves lots of skin to skin contact, unbroken kisses and maybe a pushing of minor, but prolonged pain to be a style this counterpart would enjoy. Such as having your sub straddle you, so your legs are touching theirs, putting your hand under their jaw, you drawing them in by it, using slow, soft kisses, but putting a teasing parameter on the kiss of a moderate painful stimuli, like slowly twisting the sensitive flesh on their ribs as long as they kiss you. They get a small dose of pain that they enjoy, lots of kisses and lots of skin to skin contact- both of which they adore. The pain they enjoy mixes with all of their love languages and make a special thing happen in their mind while it acts as a form of a will tease. After they limit is reached one could return to normal kisses and start a form of aftercare.

[mirrinbelde-shitposts]

Hello!!!! I'm here to participate on your game!!! And, I think you're an Aquarius Mercury just like me!! Thank you and take care 😘

My chart:

Hey!! I'm not an Aquarius Mercury :( but I do have lots of Aquarius in my chart ^^ Have a nice day!

Welcome to your reading. Please remember to send feedback.

First impressions when looking at your chart: it's almost a bowl shape, meaning that there's approximately 180ª with planets and the other 180º are devoid of planets

SUN IN AQUARIUS

As an Aquarius, you are quirky, aloof, dreamy and humanist. People may think you’re awkward and detached, which is probably true for you since your Sun is at 0º of Aquarius. Your originality and uniqueness are probably the things you love about yourself the most. Your mind is also quite agile, which allows you to fulfil your dreams. Nevertheless, we cannot ignore the fact that the Sun is in Detriment in the sign of Aquarius. This means that the Sun can struggle here, making you feel confused as to who you are and how you can express yourself. You very much value your independence and your rebelliousness. However, you can be stubborn to a fault when it comes to your thoughts and opinions.

SUN IN THE 8TH HOUSE

This is the house of Scorpio. With the Sun here, you may appear a bit Scorpionic, namely, you can embody that more powerful, secretive, intense vibes very associated with this sign. Whilst Leo is about yourself, Scorpio relates to your connection with others. By bonding with other people, and experiencing their emotions, you can further discover your own identity. Scorpio is known for its intensity, so you probably have a big need to know everything about those closest to you, but that’s not an issue, because people seem to want to disclose to you. Additionally, the 8th house rules other people’s money and inheritances, so you may be in charge of others’ monetary resources. You may even get a career in this area. Lastly, this house rules everything secret and occult, so there’s a big chance that you’ll learn more about yourself by delving into the mystic arts (such as astrology, for example).

PISCES MOON

With this placement, you acquire intuition, empathy and emotional intelligence. You are a caring person who seeks to help others comprehend and verbalize emotions, which contrasts heavily with Aquarius but flows well with the 8H influence. I'd say that you're the type of person that everyone goes to for advice. However, you should take care not to spend a lot of time being the “therapist friend”, for your high sensitivity can cause you to get overwhelmed by others’ negative energies. You probably need your alone time in order to recharge your batteries. You can be quite emotional and you're often with your head “in the clouds”. Ethereal is a good word to describe personal Pisces placements. On the other hand, if not developed, you can be manipulative, insecure and lie a lot, especially with the 8th house.

MOON IN THE 8TH HOUSE

This placement very much goes strengthens your interest in the occult and secret. It is a karmic position for the Moon; perhaps you have a very strong relationship with your mother. Additionally, it ties in well with Pisces' emotional abilities. You seek someone with whom you can form a deep emotional bond, someone with whom you can be vulnerable and share your secrets. It is also a good position for therapists because it allows you to connect well with people’s feelings and needs. Nevertheless, as I mentioned before, this can give you emotional control over people, which can lead to you manipulating them, even if you don't mean to do so. This can be especially true because your moon is not harmoniously aspected (conjunct Saturn, square Jupiter and Pluto). You can also benefit a lot from an inheritance, especially from your mother.

AQUARIUS MERCURY

This placement, even more so than your Aquarius Sun, brings you idealism and originality, as well as ideas that have the power to change society and the world. You are a free spirit and independence is definitely something very important to you. Your mind is all about being innovative and creative so you can make the world a better place. Your ideas may not always be viewed positively by others but you don't let that discourage you. People may also think you're a little off and detached but you just keep on doing your own thing, which is admirable. You may truly be ahead of your time, especially since your Mercury is in retrograde, which means that your ideas may be much more accepted after you communicate them. You have an agile mind and a good grasp of many different subjects, so people may enjoy speaking to you and learning your take on various fields of knowledge.

MERCURY IN THE 8TH HOUSE

The house of Scorpio. With Mercury here, your gain intuitiveness and inquisitiveness. To me, it is the Detective placement. It’s easy for you to understand what someone else is thinking because you have a knack for this kind of thing; telepathic, almost. You have a big interest in anything that has to do with the hidden and the human mind. Psychology would also be a good career. I’d say you think and listen much more than you think because, in your head, you’re connecting all the dots. There can be some fear in you, perhaps because of negative experiences in past lives. Due to this, you prefer to keep your thoughts and feelings to yourself. Also, it is said that this placement can cause misunderstandings in contracts, especially regarding inheritances.

SAGITTARIUS VENUS

This Venus sign is independent and adventurous; it seeks someone with which to have fun and deep, philosophical conversations. You highly value morals and honesty, which is not strange, given that these things are ruled by Jupiter, hence associated with Sagittarius. Feelings are also very important to you. You may appear too detached and aloof, but that's not how you truly feel. Also, you can be viewed as flight and non-committal, but that is not true; you may simply take your time to actually understand whether or not to begin a relationship. Nevertheless, relationships may not be a concern of yours because of your need for independence. You very much enjoy travelling and acquiring knowledge to broaden your horizons. You may also date foreigners or have an interest in them.

VENUS IN THE 6TH HOUSE

Here, Venus gives great importance to things associated with Virgo: routine, health, job. It is important for you to have your routine and to plan things. Once you acquire a habit, it is difficult to let go of it (“Old habits die hard.”). Similarly, it is important that you incorporate activities with your partner in your daily schedule. Funnily enough, it is routine that makes you miss things you no longer have: for example, if you lose a friend, you may miss them more because you used to talk every day. You enjoy working on projects that make you feel like you’re doing something meaningful; your chosen profession must fulfil you. You want a harmonious workplace that makes you feel happy to work. Also, you have an eye for detail. There can be a need to obsess about your health, as well as your loved ones’.

MARS IN LEO

The red planet does well here. Leo wants to achieve great things in life and Mars gives it that determination and willpower needed to succeed. You probably do what you want and often act to stand out. This is a very bold, direct placement. What you want, you most likely get. You’re passionate about the things you love, which is admirable. You seek recognition and fame. You can be very proud and get angry easily, but it also goes away quickly. You are very brave, for sure, and fierce. Losing is not an option for you. You like to be in the spotlight and at the top. Admitting when you’re wrong can be quite difficult for you due to the aforementioned pride. Nevertheless, you’re warm, creative, romantic and probably good around children.

MARS IN THE 2ND HOUSE

Here, Mars is tied in with the themes of Taurus. Since Taurus is a fixed sign, I’d say that you are very good at getting what you want because you are quite determined and perseverant. You may have a strong will to acquire material things that bring you comfort and security. In that sense, you may wish to have a high-paying job that allows you to buy the things that allow you to have that comfortable lifestyle. However, you may spend your money too generously, so beware of that. You are brave and dynamic, qualities that help you to achieve what you want.

SAGITTARIUS JUPITER

Jupiter is in its rulership here. With this placement, your interest in the "accursed questions", that is, everything to do with our connection with the universe, is greatly expanded. Mundane life can seem quite trivial to you; your desire is to understand the bigger things. Like I mentioned in the Sagittarius Venus section, you have a deep desire to travel, to connect to other cultures, to experience different things than what you're used to, to expand your knowledge. In addition to this, you want to share what you know with others, sometimes without prompt, which may cause others to perceive you as a "know-it-all". Jupiter is also connected to intuition, so, if you learn to trust and rely on yours, you may achieve enlightenment.

JUPITER IN THE 6TH HOUSE

This placement may seem, at first, difficult, because this is the house of Virgo, in which sign Jupiter has its Detriment. Whilst Jupiter is all about the higher mysteries, philosophy and the bigger picture, Virgo prefers hard work, concrete aspects and attention to detail. You should seek to find meaning in life through your job, as well as acts of service. Also, this placement may manifest in more ways than one: you may be able to take on the Virgo traits by achieving focus in one thing, or, on the opposite, you can move from one thing to the next, in a bid to help everyone and achieve everything. Jupiter here needs to find a middle ground between the mundane and the mystical.

PISCES SATURN

This is, in my humble opinion, a contradictory placement. Pisces is known for being the sign of illusions, dreams, fantasies. Saturn, on the other hand, is the planet of blockages, traumas, karma. Pisces does not want to directly deal with the problems, whilst Saturn wants precisely the opposite. This can result in deep fears from you, perhaps regarding your individual conscience. You may be afraid to delve deep, to explore the limits of your mind and also to share these with others. Feelings are very important to you, but these have a tendency to be more negative and elusive. A coping mechanism may be to detach, to ignore, to evade. You deal with problems by not dealing with them. You will grow, but only when you accept your struggles and face them head-on.

SATURN IN THE 9TH HOUSE

You could have been brought up in a traditional, conservative religious community. This may manifest as you having clear opinions on what is right and what is wrong. Perhaps you have a lack of faith, or you’re merely sceptical of religion. This placement balances all the others in this house: with Saturn here, you might hold back all the desire to learn, to get out there and explore your beliefs. In a past life, you may have held all the answers, but in this life, you may not want anything to do with the higher mysteries. Nevertheless, I would say that this placement may not be that strong, given that all the other planets in your 9th house want you to learn and explore. ⬛️

[emersonfreepress]

okay so is there content that you had planned for the ROs and story in general but then scrapped cause there wasn’t a good place in the story to stick it in? and if so, can you share what it was? 👀 👀 👀

yes, definitely. *rubs hands together* oh man, you done asked THE question today xD I can't wait to get into this 😁

Academics. I almost decided to have classes and grades be a minor part of gameplay, but the more time I spent designing it the more I realized I wanted nothing to do with it 😂 I haven’t really enjoyed academic gameplay in other interactive fiction because I 1) hate having to choose between studying and interacting with awesome characters, 2) have terrible short term memory, and 3) hate school in general!! So instead I just opted to have the MC be really good at school, point blank period so I could focus on social drama and relationships instead! 😆

Physical skills. I spent literal months crafting the catering scene around setting up stats for stamina/endurance, dexterity, and strength instead of just magnetism, confidence, and persuasion. They had their own backstories with the MC’s parents being overly invested sports parents instead and I think the background choices were like... martial arts, gymnastics, and track? But yeah, I ended up scrapping it all because I was spending hours on research about those individual sports so I could integrate them into the MC’s narrative organically but like... when I tried to think of what use they would be in the actual story, I came up blank. Best decision yet, esp since it means a lot less coding!

Skin tone customization. For one, I noticed that a lot of my favorite IFs don’t offer that customization and it hasn’t impacted my experience at all. For two, I originally realized I might as well not implement it since I am striving real hard not to introduce any customization that won’t actually be mentioned in interesting or meaningful ways in-story. I don’t think it’s really all that common for real life friends (esp in high school?) to comment or compliment each other’s skin and like... when it comes from someone who doesn’t share a similar complexion or ethnic background, that type of commentary gets... d i c e y. So then I wanted to be sensitive to that but what’s the pay-off? An RO mentioning how they love your skin tone once? Awkward sentences with the MC referring to their own skin color? Idk, just wasn’t vibing with it. I’m open to revisiting it in beta or something but for now it’s scrapped.

Singing, Rapping, and Gaming as Hobbies/Talents. I feel bad about scrapping these, honestly 😂 They’re great and I really wanted to incorporate them but it just came down to already having a lot of stuff to code. Plus, I know I can write the Hobbies/Talents I stuck with far better. And for Book 2 purposes, as well!

Leo. as @sourandflightypeaches ​​ asked me about a long while ago, I had to scrap an entire RO 😢 His name is Leo, he was the nephew of wealthy west African diplomats residing in Emerson, and I love him dearly! His backstory was largely based on my mother’s childhood and the circumstances she lived through after immigrating to America. and... ok, i’m about to go on one hell of a tangent so buckle up and bear with me if you can 😅

my intention with this story, aside from writing things that I personally enjoy (graphic violence, spooky woods, social drama, romance, conspiracies 😚), is to explore greed, wealth, and how the ways people and families interact with those two things influence young people and who they grow up to be. here i go sounding pretentious af 😝 and here’s where I apply a cut for those who want to preserve a little mystery to the main characters!

With Gabe, we’ve got someone who grew up with very little stability or financial security but who has found unscrupulous methods to gain status and money, with both noble and selfish motivations.

Kile has some of that childhood experience in common with Gabe, having been in the foster care system since infancy, but they lucked out when they were adopted into massive wealth by a caring, loving couple—a couple that uses their wealth and privilege to be far more lenient and protective of Kile than is actually reasonable or responsible.

Jack comes from a prestigious wealthy family on his dad’s side who he loves dearly but there’s no getting around the fact that they love him back as much as they despise his working class mom.

Jessie is a spoiled sweet heiress (being the baby of her family and the only girl) and while she lives blissfully ignorant of the harmful source and impact of her father's income and career, she bears the weight of the expectation to fulfill very traditional gender roles, including her behavior and appearance, but also extending to her career and life plans.

Rain's wealth led to them growing up sheltered and isolated but also extremely accommodated, giving them maximum freedom and opportunity to discover and develop their personal talents and interests. However, they have almost no positive relationship with their parents who have essentially decided to give up on a kid that couldn't be exactly the accessory they tried to mold them to be—both in terms of their identity and personality.

Rupan/Rohan, at their very core, rejects everything about conformity, self-importance, and excessive luxury—which means they have never, ever truly fit in with their peers. Going full non-conformist, however, has resulted in them becoming alienated from much of their family, as well, despite them all loving each other very much. Their history with false friends and betrayals has led them to over-indulge in their vices and reckless behavior to compensate for that isolation. Sometimes, they just get in over their head and many times, they know better. Every time, it's just that the feeling of finally belonging is utterly intoxicating.

Vivian/Vincent has two extremely successful parents who didn't inherit but instead built up their wealth and they aspire to be just like them, to a degree that is well and truly unhealthy. Their mother specifically is an over-achiever and applies mountainous pressure for them to follow in her footsteps, especially academically. Vi is completely capable of achieving what their mom expects of them, but they were already an extremely sensitive perfectionist so this has made them intensely critical of themself. This is a large part of why they are such a rigid, no-nonsense person and that in turn has made them one of the most disliked people among their peers—which is a huge personal failure to them since their father is a very well-liked and socially successful person in town.

And the Emersons are peak privilege: inherent high social status, brains, looks, charisma, athleticism, and massive wealth. They could never have been anything less than extremely popular, just by virtue of their last name and the nature of the town's social dynamics and politics. And they do enjoy that privilege (esp Curt lol). However, it should go without saying that being so high profile, even (or maybe especially) just in the isolated scope of your hometown, isn't always a boon. Their family's and their own perceived failings are widely discussed and privately mocked and/or celebrated. Real friends are scarce while fake ones and snakes are plentiful. Plus their dad is a gigantic dickhead who sees his kids as extensions of his own status and reputation and not much else. Public shortcomings make for an unbearable time at home and the world outside the estate is at once overly accommodating, full of assumptions, and even subtly hostile at times—all unrelated to their own actions or character.

And with the MC, I think the narrative will make it clear there are several ways that story can go. You start off with irresponsible parents that have lost their wealth due to their own mismanagement and material ambitions—how that affects any individual MC should differ based on choices and consequences!

So why bring any of that up when I was supposed to be talking about my cut OC? 😂😂

Leo was going to be the unwelcome recent addition to his uncle’s household, the son of a brother his aunt hates for (petty af) Reasons, and she took that resentment out on him directly by restricting his access to nearly every aspect of the family's wealth. Especially material goods and living conditions. He was basically treated like the help, tasked with playing nanny for his many younger cousins and burdened with doing the homework and providing academic cover for his dumb as rocks cousin in the same grade as you all. To sum it up, he was basically a victim of trafficking at the hands of his own family with his uncle out of town enough to feign ignorance to how bad his wife was treating his nephew and his aunt going out of her way to keep him busy, at home, and isolated. This is sadly a super common form of trafficking in Francophone African cultures (although I don't think most people view it as trafficking. and I’m sure the same is true of other cultures but I don’t want to speak outside of my purview). And like I mentioned above, it’s how my own mom's (and idek how many cousins') child/teenhood went.

It’s a perspective on modern wealth, privilege and greed that I really, really wanted to tell. I am confident in saying it hasn't been explored in interactive fiction yet (though correct me—and direct me 👀—if I'm wrong) and out of all the wealth/greed explorations I came up with, it's the one I have the closest personal ties to and the strongest feelings about. The characters and plans I had for it were detailed and I'm proud of them but at the end of the day... I just couldn't find a place for Leo in the story at large.

Leo was, in fact, the last main character I came up with, when I had already designed and fleshed out the larger story and started crafting the timeline of major events. I think the worst thing I could have done for a story and perspective that I care about this much is shove it into a plot that didn't have room for it at the very base level, regardless of how well the character or his story is written. Shoe-horned characters always stick out. I didn’t want to disservice Leo by having him be the character that did nothing or could be removed from the main plot without affecting it at all, y’know? That’s so much worse than just forgoing the indulgence, imo :((

ugh.... Leooooo 😭 I'm so sorry bb, I failed youuu 😥

[reeeyachi]

Thoughts: KilluGon Confession, Gon’s Emotional Control

Okay, so, this is a follow up post to my response/reaction/emotions on Tele’s post about KilluGon potentially canon explicit romantic confession. (Her detailed explanation was wonderful and beautiful and excellent, I just wanted to make a separate post on my thoughts because my brain is screaming into the void rn.)

Ok disclaimer: I’m working with the remainder of my caffeinated braincells right now so everything I say will be 100% subjective and just *thoughts* aka *mush*.

So…

I’ve also had/believed this headcanon that Gon fell first since I started watching hxh years ago because it’s too obvious, right? Tbh, I never thought of Killua being gay for Gon until recently (like 8 months ago-recently) because it’s always Gon who’s explicit about his thoughts on Killua. It’s too obvious. We could never miss it. So him confessing his love for him would make so much sense. Everything falls into place in my head.

Lea said some really good stuff about Killua’s character arc and how it sends a positive message to all the readers and everyone who identifies with him, a child who suffered from years of abuse. And him receiving love, accepting it and giving it in return would complete his growth process (I’m basically just summarizing here; please read Tele’s post they’re much more comprehensive and well-written).

A dramatic romantic confession to happen in canon would be the one to seal it – from Gon, a complete stranger he randomly met at the Hunter Exam, the first person to call him a friend, the person who went out of his way to save him from his family’s tortures, the boy who accepted him for who he is, wholly, unconditionally.

It would change everything. It would end past traumas.

Not only Killua’s, but also Gon’s.

Please allow me to lay down my 4am thoughts about what I think confessing his feelings for Killua would mean for Gon as well (with regard to his own character arc and self-worth issues).

Okay so before I go into that I want to try and explain how “confessing love” feels like / what it means to the person SAYING it. It’s nerve-racking. The tension. The pressure on your shoulders. The block in your throat. Your shaky hands. Your shaky voice. The fear of getting rejected. The fear of saying the wrong words or doing the wrong thing. The fear of jumping into the unknown. It’s a leap of faith. An ending and/or a beginning. It’s that line you cross where you can never go back. Once the words are said, BAM, it stays forever, and the very thought of that, the anxiety, the overthinking, nips at your brain.

The very thought of confessing to a person you like/love FOR THE FIRST TIME is fucking terrifying (Idk about you, but it is to me. And I feel like, for TEENAGERS, it would feel like hell’s pulling them to the earth’s core. Just. The thought of it.)

What I’m trying to say here is that, expressing genuine *romantic* feelings takes courage. And in this headcanon, with Gon being the one to SAY IT FIRST, he would probably go through all of these. But him being ABLE to say it would mean MORE THAN overcoming a fear of expressing. “But Gon doesn’t have any problems expressing his emotions.” Actually, you’re not wrong. But, for me, this isn’t exactly right.

Let’s jump first to me explaining my take on how Gon handles emotions:

For me, Gon has a hard time expressing what’s in his heart. Idk how to explain, but it’s just that, it’s so easy for him to say what’s on his mind all the time. But he has a tendency of neglecting negative emotions and hiding his true feelings; or letting himself feel it for a while but then he finds something that would make him forget about it. We’ve seen him breakdown. Emotions. Just piled up. And he exploded.

He said some bad things to Killua, he did some bad stuff. It’s all in the heat of the moment. And for me, I see it as lack of emotional control (bc he’s 12 and has abandonment issues and witnessed his father-figure severe his arm and basically dead in front of him give him a break YOU BREAKDOWN AND SAY BAD THINGS TO PEOPLE YOU LOVE AT 23Y/O DO NOT DENY IT) because he doesn’t know HOW to control it when it gets to him.

He’s afraid that he might break. And in effect, he would feel weak and helpless and useless. (Or even vice versa.)

Gon, unknowingly, protects himself from breaking by inserting the good things in his head. He protects himself from feeling useless by lending a helping hand, because he feels that he’s valuable that way; he feels that he’ll be loved and validated that way. He’d feel that he has purpose. It happens to people, which isn’t a bad thing at all, but it’s something that Gon could learn how to cope up with as he grows and matures.

(Read Tele’s wonderful meta about Gon Freecss here. I haven’t finished reading but I’m loving every bit of it so far.)

Ok back to the confession take:

Having said that, I feel that Gon would find it difficult to express what it is he’s feeling in his heart. But here we have to recognize the fact that Togashi threw him back in Whale Island, nen-less and Killua-less, doing homework and chores and good ‘ol Islander stuff. The beauty of this interval is that it would give him MORE TIME and the SPACE and PEACE he needs to get into his head and heart and just think everything through, learn how to deal with his emotions. Since he already experienced a peak of his emotional catastrophe at 12y/o, he would look back at everything and just… realize what it is that he has to.

Part of it is his feelings for you-know-who catboy. <3

And he wants to tell him. I also think that he would want something to happen after telling him. But, he doesn’t know if or how he could say it freely, unlike before when they were stargazing and he suddenly told him that he happy when he’s with Killua. At that time, it was a spur of the moment; at that time, him and Killua haven’t experienced the trauma that is CAA; at that time, it was simple. But now? How could Gon face him and tell him that he loves Killua after everything that had happened? Something would hold him back. He would hesitate. Something like…

So, again, him being able to say it (for me) would mean so much more than a simple get-together. Here’s a short list because I love lists!

Self-discovery and self-affirmation. You know how we see Gon as this sunshine boy who just wants to follow his dad’s footsteps to try and figure out what being a hunter is like / what’s great about being a hunter that Ging chose to not stay with him. At the present timeline, he already met Ging, he fulfilled his goal. What would he do now? What does he truly want? For me, him knowing that he *loves* someone dearly and *wants* to stay with that person would mean that he’s discovering which path he intends to go, for the long-term, and that sticking with that plan by expressing what he feels would simply affirm this self-discovery. It’s kind of related to that post by Tele here, of Gon following a path that’s not his dad’s footsteps. He’d have his own thing. He’d be his own person. Confessing your true feelings to your BEST FRIEND in the whole world would be a BIG STEP and Gon should know that it shouldn’t be taken lightly. It’s a very mature thing to do! When this becomes canon, idk, I’d cry because I’d be so proud of him for realizing what he feels, taking that emotion carefully and maturely, and expressing it lovingly – which brings me to my next point.

Being open to give and accept love again. Emphasize on the “again” because he went through a traumatic episode in his young life. You know that saying that you can never give what you don’t have? Well, folks, I think this is also applicable to Gon’s character now, like, after CAA, and after everything basically. We always see him giving love to OTHERS. Do we see him give love to himself? Gon endures pain and suffering because he thought it’s what he deserved. He’s willing to die in his best friend’s place so that he’d live. He’s willing to die to atone for something he didn’t even do. Gon needed to love himself. He had to learn how to take care of himself. You can never give a love you don’t have – so him dropping everything and professing his love for Killua would also mean that he DID it, finally. He’d have so much love for himself to give. He’d be ready to give all the love he stored for himself, and I think that’s really pretty.

Overcoming past trauma / getting back up on his feet. Having said all those, it all boils down to overcoming and ending past trauma – everything – because it would be a start of something new and fresh and beautiful. It would be a beginning of a new world for him, bright, spotless, unadulterated. When you fall in love, everything falls into place somehow, and all you see are beautiful things. I think this is meaningful because, while he’d seen beautiful things, Gon experienced abandonment, he experienced trauma and all the awful things we saw so far. So, with this confession happening, this new beginning, he’d look at the world with brand new eyes, he’d look at Killua, and think that it’s not so bad after all, because he’d have this overflowing love stored in his heart. It would cancel out the bad. He’d have another reason to live and stay alive. He’d have that one thing he wants more than any material thing – and that is love and happiness. Confessing is a choice. And by doing it, Gon chooses love and happiness over any material thing he wished to hunt.

I don’t know if that made sense but there! lol This might be reaching but just imagine the symbolism. It would mean so much. <3

[oumaheroes]

Ship Headcanons

Responding to @honey-spice-plaid’s response here.

FrUK

-What made you ship it?

I feel exactly the same as Honey, I really love the dynamic that they have. It can be so many things, hostile, friends, lovers, more, and yet so identifiable as them all at once. It means that I can read so many works from so many authors and I’m nearly always pleased with whatever new interpretation I find.

Initially what made me take note of it was the concept of two people having such a long and turbulent history and the sheer amount of potential that gives them for stories, whether it’s nationverse or human AU. Any genre, any trope, and these two silly idiots fit it for me.

(There are also some very good fics out there that just blew me away and destroyed my heart and soul but that’s a fic rec list for another day.)

- What are your favourite things about the ship?

For my own personal idea of them, their relationship can be something bitter and warm all at once. There is a depth of knowing to their relationship that I just adore, that feeling of knowing someone so completely, ugly parts and all, and for so long that it is a solid, sturdy thing, despite all they go through. No matter what happens during their lives the other one is always there and there’s something so fulfilling in each of them feeling that their relationship is an inevitable constant, despite the ups and downs. It’s a relationship that doesn’t quite have a word (friend/soulmate/lover/partner/enemy) because it’s all of them at once.

You cannot lie to someone who has known you for that long and has seen so many shades of yourself, you can’t tuck yourself away under a shiny veneer that you want the world to see because the other person sees right through it. I think that for England, who I consider as someone who goes to great lengths, at times, to hide how deeply/ truthfully he feels, this is a welcome break. He can be bitter, crass, uncouth, wild, around France without worry or care. I feel the same for France too, England sees him so plainly for who he is that he needs that, even if he isn’t willing to admit it.

In my mind France hides how he truly feels by over exaggerating emotion or playing up emotion, or feigning a feeling to hide away what he actually thinks. England is the opposite in that he projects a lack of feeling to mask his actual feelings, but the core fear for them both is the same.

-Is there an unpopular opinion you have on your ship?

I really do dislike the ‘saviour’ dynamic, that one cannot be functionally without the other or that the other one fixes something in them that is broken (in the shallowest sense of this trope- I do think they complement each other very well), and I also equally dislike the concept that one is ‘bad’ and the other wholly good.

I think they’re both equally complicated people who can manage perfectly well on their own, but fulfil each other deeply too. They can be toxic, they can be kind and tender, but it’s an equal seesawing that changes and grows as they do. There isn’t one ‘weaker’ or ‘stronger’, for me they’re both very capable, stubborn people who come together very well. 

ScotEng

-What made you ship it?

I mostly see them as familial rather than romantic (though I do often have violent swings to the romantic side), but regardless I think it is a wonderfully complicated, spiky web of things that covers up a genuine affection and respect towards the other.

Their personalities are what caught me, I see them both as very similar stubborn, proud people and that makes it all the more meaningful when they do share moments that are more tender and kind- small acts of affection go a lot further and mean a lot more, especially in harder times between them.

-What are your favourite things about the ship?

Again, as with France and England, it’s the potential of possibility in regards to storytelling that comes from two people knowing each other for a ridiculously long amount of time. There is so much shared experience there but from very different perspectives at times, if you’re to do nationverse, that from a historical viewpoint I enjoy very much. It’s a wonderful area I wish was explored more, it’s so complicated and complex, something so old and muddled and yet so easy and natural- they know how to be and act around each other at their best and at their worst because they’ve been there in person to see them all.

It’s that aspect there that I love about it, it feels rugged and awkward and bumbling at times but also fiercely loyal at the core, regardless of what low point their relationship takes. And as Honey has also said, the additional family dynamic of the rest of the British Isles adds that great layer of complexity and familiarity to everything.

Writing-wise (which admittedly I have done little of for the UK family) they are wonderful to play and bounce off each other, and reading-wise there is just something so wonderful about smooth, working family relationships, especially after (or even during) periods of hardship between them.

My favourite fics between them are always ones where one comforts the other, when one of them finally drops the stoic façade and distance and allows themselves to be looked after. (Speaking of hidden gems, one of my old favourites from long ago is ‘The Rope’ by 0313)

-Is there an unpopular opinion you have on your ship?

At times it has felt like most common works and representations of their relationship swing from two very different extremes- overprotective and sickly loving to the point of ridiculousness, or abusive and angry for seemingly no reason at all.

To be honest many works, more in the past than now, didn’t treat the two as real people, just caricatures, and that was always very sad to see.  

[yoongisgoawaydoormat]

i passed the california bar exam and i don’t wanna brag or post much about it on other social media because i know people who didn’t and who might see it and also it’s too self congratulatory for me personally anyways (no judgment to people who do make big posts about it)

BUT i do still wanna scream into the void somewhere about how proud i am of myself. it was fully the hardest thing ive ever done in my life and i often think about how that would have been true even without the pandemic. but there WAS a pandemic and we had to deal with that, the fires in california, a national groundswell movement for racial justice and an absolutely INCOMPETENT and uncaring group of bar examiners who fucked us at every turn all in the name of an exam that is just a bullshit gate keeping technique that doesn’t measure competence at all but still puts everyone thru mental anguish anyways

and it was mental anguish. studying for that exam for what ended up being 4 months (when it would usually be done in 2) was The Worst. and then to face all the delays and tech issues and exam problems that have nothing to do with your knowledge or skill to be a lawyer..... foul.

i don’t really have anything else to add i guess but god im glad that’s behind me and this chapter is CLOSED. i have a lot of anxiety about the chapter im starting rn in my new high pressure job in a new country in a new flat that i fear i may turn out to hate. but i can’t even begin to tell you how free i feel to know that im a LAWYER now. no more hoops to jump thru. no more obstacles, just moving forward into a career where i can hopefully pay off my debts quick, build up meaningful experience that will make me marketable for an in house job in a couple years and then move into something less high pressure and more personally fulfilling back in california. even tho i knew i could retake without a problem from my firm, the bar was still hanging over my head as a wall before all that could truly start. and it’s just nice not to have that anymore regardless of other anxieties still looming.

n e ways feeling blessed and highly favored today. plz refer to me as yoongisgoawaydoormat ESQ. from now on, thank you

[prrplwtch]

Angst hc request??? How would the brothers react to MC (gender neutral pls) breaking up with them for different reasons?? 😭😭😭😭 (Like, for lucifer it could be feeling like diavolo comes first, asmo bcos u think he might cheat, satan for anger issues, etc, etc??

Hi :) Thanks for the ask 💜

Lucifer:

Lucifer does not see the breakup coming. To him everything is normal and he does not even suspect that his s/o might be unhappy. 

Though if he was completely honest with himself, there probably were signs. But our boy is too proud to acknowledge that something is wrong.

When MC asks to have a talk Lucifer cannot even imagine that it would be the break up convo. 

When MC informs him that they are breaking up with him, he feels like the ground is gone from under his feet. 

He does not show his distress of course - and tries to not show his anger as much as he can. He tries to act as “icy” towards MC as possible

When he hears that it is because of Diablo, he wants to scream - his devotion, the deal he made so many years ago literally took everything from him.

He’ll never show it of course. 

After the break up conversation, he does not talk to MC, unless absolutely necessary, and even then acts “icy”.

On the inside, Lucifer is not sure if he wants the exchange program to end immediately so that he never has to see MC again, or if he wants it to last as long as possible - because he is still hoping against hope that MC will return to him. 

Internally very sad and though he tries not to show it his brothers know. His temper becomes worse, his punishments harsher. 

Lucifer finds himself losing all hope of ever having another meaningful romantic relationship - because he is still deeply in love with MC and because he thinks that whoever else he meets would probably also not deal to well with his devotion to Diablo. 

Mammon:

Mammon had been sensing that something was off for a while, but whenever he asked, MC would simply brush it off. 

Then one day when MC tells Mammon that they want to talk, Mammon acts all confident, but on the inside he is super anxious. Cue a lot of “The Great Mammon” mentions leading up to the fateful break up conversation. 

Even though he was worried for a while that MC wants to break up, when MC actually says it, it hurts. And hurts a lot. 

He tries not to show it of course, but, unlike Lucifer, he does not have the best poker face, so he is pretty sure MC can see that he is about to cry. 

When he hears that the reason for the break up is that MC finds him unreliable, his heart completely shatters. 

Mammon does not even finish the conversation - he runs out of the room, out of the House of Lamentation and is not seen for at least a week. His brothers are worried, but he does not respond to texts or calls - he simply cannot be in the same house as MC or around them at all. 

Eventually, Mammon has to return to the house. It hurts a lot to be back, and he tries his best to avoid MC. The best way he can think of is to either be locked in his room or to go out. 

Trying to distract himself from the pain of the heartbreak, Mammon gambles and goes out a lot. He does not even care what others think - if even MC called him unreliable, there is no hope for him now. 

Mammon cannot wait until the exchange program is over - every time he sees MC, it hurts so much, that he can hardly bear it. 

Becomes more depressed as time passes, since MC was an important source of emotional support for him and one of the few people who treated him well. 

Leviathan

Levi still could not believe that someone like him could have landed a s/o like MC, so when they initiate a break up conversation he reacts surprisingly calmly. 

During the break up conversation, a lot of self deprecating comments like “of course I knew you didn’t actually like a yucky otaku like me”. 

While he is putting up a brave face, on the inside he is hurting. And it hurts even more when he learns that the reason for the break up are his interests - such is anime and video games. 

Levi feels kind of betrayed - he shared everything that he loved with MC and he thought that they genuinely shared his passions, but as it turns out they did not. 

Wants the break up conversation to be over as soon as possible. 

Gets really sad and sulky after it is over and does not leave his room for a very long while, spending all his time on his anime and video games, feeling that they are a source of stability in his life, as they would not leave him.

During a particularly bad evening thinks about getting rid of his games and anime, since they seem to be the reason that MC left, but does not because then he thinks he would be left with nothing.

Misses so much school and so many family gatherings, that his brothers are legitimately worried. 

Refuses to leave his room or go to class until the exchange program is over and he does not have to see MC everywhere ever again. 

Still keeps the picture he took with MC where they are both in cosplay and happy. Often finds himself holding it and crying. 

Does not really get over the break up, even after MC has long left the Devildom.

Satan

Satan was surprised that he had met such a lovely person who was able to handle his temper. However, in the last few weeks he definitely noticed MC pulling away, especially after he lets his temper get the better of him. 

So when MC asks to have a conversation, Satan knows that it is probably about his anger issues. 

What Satan does not expect, however, is that instead of trying to work something out, MC chooses to leave him. Although, if he was being honest, he does not exactly blame MC, as he knows his temper can be difficult. 

Still, the break up stings, and Satan would try and avoid MC for a while. Luckily it is easy - Satan likes spending time in his room reading, and MC now has no reason to come by. 

Though Satan acts unaffected, on the inside he is hurting and feels angry with himself. He should have been better at containing his temper, he should not have allowed his rage to overcome him. 

Strong feelings of self-loathing, since he knows that being angry is part of his nature and there is nothing he can do with himself.

Still, he knows that he cannot hide out in his room for all eternity, so eventually he goes back to spending time in common areas of the house.

Whenever he interacts with MC he is always pointedly polite, but it still really hurts him on the inside to see MC.

Feels that despite his best efforts, his temper is getting worse. Things that used to not provoke much reaction out of him now cause huge rage storms. The more he rages the more he hates himself. 

After MC leaves the Devildom, he is equally sad and relieved. He does not think he will ever meet anyone again, but he also does not think that he deserves to be loved because of his temper. 

Asmodeus

Asmo has a vast experience of being in different relationships, so he can sense early when something is off, even despite MC telling him that everything is fine. 

Still, when the break up conversation happens, Asmo is really hurt - MC is the first person he really opened up to, the first person with whom he felt truly intimate on more than just physical level, and having that taken away is quite hard. 

When he hears that the reason MC is breaking up with his is because they fear that he may cheat on them, his heart completely shatters. 

Asmo is naturally flirty, as makes sense for the avatar of lust, but he had never cheated on MC and was never planning to do. 

Asmo tries to act light hearted about the break up, but on the inside he is really hurting from MC’s accusations. 

So once he is a free man once again, he does the only thing that makes sense - goes to the club to try and get with as many people as possible. The pain doesn’t go away, of course, but that does not mean that Asmo would stop trying to figure out just how many one-night stands it takes to heal a broken heart. 

Even his brothers are worried for him - though it is common for Asmo to sleep with many different demons, he had never slept with just SO MANY demons in such a short period of time. 

The more time Asmo spends in the arms of his temporary lovers, the less time he has to run into MC. 

Asmo realizes that after having true emotional intimacy with someone - the relationships build on purely physical intimacy are not fulfilling anymore. But he does not get emotionally intimate with anyone - in part, because he does not feel like anyone can give him the love MC did and in part because he does not feel like he deserves it due to his nature. 

When MC leaves, Asmo takes it really hard because there is still a huge empty space in his heart and no amount of temporary lovers was able to fill that. 

Beelzebub

Beel does not even suspect that MC is unhappy. To him everything is fine, because MC acts like everything is fine. 

So he ends up completely blind-sided by MC’s request to have a serious conversation about their relationship. 

Beel’s heart shatters, when MC tells him they are leaving him - and shatters again when MC says that his eating is the problem. Beel had no idea, but as it turns out, MC is tired of their entire dating and daily life revolving around food, so they don’t want to be with him anymore. 

Beel is very sad, and he shows it. After MC leaves Beel does what he usually does when he is feeling upset - goes to the kitchen and eats. The more he eats, the more self resentment he starts feeling. 

He saw MC as this amazing person in his life, who loved and cared for him, and now he lost them simply because he could not control his appetite. Beel feels pathetic. 

Thus starts the vicious cycle where the sadder he gets, the more he eats and the more he hates himself. It does not take long until Beel feels completely depressed. 

He tries to avoid MC, but he still wants to see them because a part of him still cares for them. Luckily avoiding MC does not seem that hard, since they never venture into the kitchens anymore. 

Beel really wants to get back with MC, but he understands that they will not take him back because his eating is out of control, and that makes him really sad. 

When MC leaves Devildom, Beel finds himself falling into despair, and even Belphie cannot quite help him get out of it. 

Belphegor

Belphie, just like his twin, also did not realize that MC was unhappy with their relationship because to him everything seemed fine - they spent plenty time together in the attic room, napped together and talked. 

However, he feels suspicious when MC asks to have a conversation with him - he can feel that something is off. 

When MC says that they want to break up, he is sad, but definitely tries to hide it. He becomes especially sad when he learns that MC wants to break up because they feel like he is not putting enough effort into their relationship. 

A part of him is angry - he thought that MC enjoyed things they did together, such as their naps and conversations, and he lets MC know that he is upset. It is not a pretty break up. 

After that, he makes it his mission to avoid MC. It is very easy, since the break up made him so sad that the only thing he seems to want to do is stay in his attic room and sleep. 

His brothers get worried when he does not show up for meals for a few days, but when they go to check on him, the door is locked. 

Belphie is feeling mostly two emotions - sadness and anger. Inside him, resentment towards MC starts to brew. Nonetheless, he knows that he would not act on that resentment because a part of him still cares for her. 

Belphie does not really see MC after they broke up, maybe only on a couple of occasions. Because he mostly spends his days sleeping he does poorly at school and gets in trouble with Lucifer because he has to repeat a year.

Belphie once again finds himself feeling hatred towards humans.

When the MC leaves Devildom it’s a relief, but Belphie still continues with his self-destructive habits. 

[ifthereisnowind]

capitalism

context: why does it make me cringe? why does sales make me cringe?

why did I feel for a while that I don’t want to get caught up in the career ladder?

why do I judge people who chase money or fame?

what should truly motivate us at work

In a perfect world, when it came to choosing an occupation, we would have only two priorities in mind:

– to find a job that we enjoyed

– to find a job that paid us enough to cover reasonable material needs

But in order to think so freely, we would have to be emotionally balanced in a way that few of us are. In reality, when it comes to choosing an occupation, we tend to be haunted by three additional priorities. We need:

– to find a job that will pay not just enough to cover reasonable material expenses but a lot more besides, enough to impress other people – even other people we don’t like very much.

– we crave to find a job that will allow us not to be at the mercy of other people, whom we may deep down fear and distrust.

– and we hope for a job that will make us well known, esteemed, honoured and perhaps famous, so that we will never again have to feel small or neglected.

reforming capitalism

The system we know as Capitalism is both wondrously productive and hugely problematic. On the downside, capitalism promotes excessive inequality; it valorises immediate returns over long-term benefits; it addicts us to unnecessary products and it encourages excessive consumption of the world’s resources with potentially disastrous consequences – and that’s just a start. We are now deeply familiar with what can go wrong with Capitalism. But that is no reason to stop dreaming about some of the ways in which Capitalism could one day operate in a Utopian future.

What we want to see is the rise of other – equally important – figures that report on a regular basis on elements of psychological and sociological life and which could form part of the consciousness of thoughtful and serious people. When we measure things – and give the figures a regular public airing – we start the long process of collectively doing something about them.

The man is indeed employed, but in truth, he belongs to a large subsection of those in work we might term the ‘misemployed’. His labour is generating capital, but it is making no contribution to human welfare and flourishing. He is joined in the misemployment ranks by people who make cigarettes, addictive but sterile television shows, badly designed condos, ill-fitting and shoddy clothes, deceptive advertisements, artery-clogging biscuits and highly-sugared drinks (however delicious).

We intuitively recognise it when we think of work as ‘just a job’; when we sense that far too much of our time, effort and intelligence is spent on meetings that resolve little, on chivying people to sign up for products that – in our heart of hearts we don’t admire.

Fortunately, there are real solutions to bringing down the rate of misemployment. The trick isn’t just to stimulate demand per se, the trick is to stimulate the right demand: to excite people to buy the constituents of true satisfaction, and therefore to give individuals and businesses a chance to direct their labour, and make profits, in meaningful areas of the economy.

This is precisely what needs to be changed – and urgently. Society should do a systematic deal with capitalists: it should give them the honour and love they so badly crave in exchange for treating their workers as human beings, not abusing customers and properly looking after the planet. A standard test should be drawn up to measure the societal good generated by companies (many such schemes already exist in nascent form), on the basis of which capitalists should then be given extraordinarily prestigious titles by their nations in ceremonies with the grandeur and thrill of film premieres or sporting finales.

There’s no shortage: we need help in forming cohesive, interesting communities. We need help in bringing up children. We need help in calming down at key moments (the cost of our high anxiety and rage is appalling in aggregate). We require immense assistance in discovering our real talents in the workplace and understanding where we can best deploy them (a service in this area would matter a great deal more to us than pizza delivery). We have unfulfilled aesthetic desires. Elegant town centres, charming high streets and sweet villages are in desperately short supply and are therefore absurdly expensive – just as, prior to Henry Ford, cars existed but were very rare and only for the very rich.

But we know the direction we need to head to: we need the drive and inventiveness of Capitalism to tackle the higher, deeper problems of life. This will offer an exit from the failings and misery that attend Capitalism today. In a nutshell, the problem is that we waste resources on unimportant things. And we are wasteful, ultimately, because we lack self-knowledge, because we are using consumption merely to divert or quieten anxieties or in a vain search for status and belonging.

If we could just address our deeper needs more directly, our materialism would be refined and restrained, our work would be more meaningful and our profits would be more honourable. That’s the ideal future of Capitalism.

In the Utopia, businesses would of course have to be profitable. But the success of a business would primarily be assessed in terms of its contribution to the collective good.

On changing the world

the only way to bring about real change is to act through competing institutions. Revolutions in consciousness cannot be made lasting and effective until legions of people start to work together in concert for a common aim and, rather than relying on the intermittent pronouncements of mountain-top prophets, begin the unglamorous and deeply boring task of wrestling with issues of law, money, long-term mass communication, advocacy and administration.

Our collective ideal of the free thinker is that of someone living beyond the confines of any system, disdainful of ‘boring things’, cut off from practical affairs and privately perhaps rather proud of being unable even to read a balance sheet. It’s a fatally romantic recipe for keeping the status quo unchanged.

We have to make what we already know very well more effective out there. The urgent question is how to ally the very many good ideas which currently slumber in the recesses of intellectual life with proper organisational tools that actually stand a chance of giving them real impact in the world. From a completely secular starting point, it can be worth studying religions to learn how to alter behaviour.

This is what religions have, for their part, excelled at doing. They’ve realised that if you put down an important idea on paper in somewhat pedestrian prose, it won’t have any lasting or mass impact. They’ve therefore, over their history, engaged the most skilled artists to wrap their ideas in the coating of beauty. They have asked Bach and Mozart to put the ideas to music, they have asked Titian and Botticelli to give the ideas a visual form, they’ve asked the best fashion designers to make nice looking clothes and they’ve asked the best architects to design the most impressive and moving buildings to give the ideas heft and permanence.

We should use the history of religion to inform us about the role of repetition, ritual and beauty in the name of changing how things are.

There is a great deal of large-scale ambition in the world, but all the largest corporate entities are focused on servicing basic needs: the mechanics of communication, inexpensive things to eat, energy so we can move about. While our higher needs – for love, beauty, wisdom – have no comparable provision. The drive to grandeur is missing just where we need it most.

Good business

So, inevitably, businesses will evolve to profit from their wishes. Capitalism has not traditionally been interested in whether these are sensible, admirable or worthy desires. Its aim is neutral: to make money from supplying whatever people happen to be willing to pay for.

Philosophy, by contrast, has long recognised a crucial distinction between desires and needs:

A desire is whatever you feel you want at the moment.

A need is for something that serves your long-term well being.

And it’s our needs that are required for a satisfying, fulfilled life (which Plato, Aristotle and others call a life marked by eudaimonia).

Capitalism goes wrong when it exploits this cognitive flaw: large numbers of businesses sell us stuff that we desire but which (in all honesty) we don’t need. On longer, calmer reflection we’d realise those things don’t actually help us to live well.

Sadly, it’s easier to generate profits from desires than from needs. You can make much more money selling bad ice cream than by marketing Plato’s dialogues.

In a utopia, good businesses should be defined not simply by whether they are profitable or not; but by what they make their profit from. Only businesses that satisfy true needs are moral.

Good capitalism requires that we address two, core educational needs. Getting us to focus on what we really need, what the real challenges in our lives are. And getting us to focus on the value of particular goods in relation to our needs: that is, how do these particular purchases help with eudaimonia?

So, in search of a better economy, we should direct our attention not simply to shopping centres and financial institutions, but to schools and universities and the media. The shape that an economy has ultimately reflects the educated insights of its consumers. When people say they hate consumerism, what they often mean is that they are dismayed at peoples’ preferences. The fault, then, lies not so much with consumption as with the preferences. Education transforms preferences not by making us do what someone else tells us. But by giving us the capacities and skills to understand more clearly what we genuinely do want and what sort of goods and services will best help us.

tbc