#something dumb to pass the time while im wasting away sick

[feeshu09]

The only logical option left.

[mizunetzu]

I just skipped school and binge read all of your fanfics- They’re really good gRRRRrrr 🥺🥺 Keep up the good work!! That being said- Can I request a fluffy Hawks x male reader where the reader has a cold and is stuck in bed and Hawks takes care of him? Thank you vv much!!!

HAHHAHA WHY IS ALL MY HAWKS REQUESTS ALWAYS FLUFF (I mean ur like my second one but it’s still flufF) (and not that this wasn’t fun to write cuz it was HAAHA I’m lowkey proud)

(Also gRRRRur so nice but GO TO SCHOOL >:( BARK BARKK BAEKR)

——————

Hawks x reader - The Sick Fic

⚠️warnings - it’s as the title says. It’s the sick fic.

Pronouns - male, he/him

——————

(Y/n) coughed up sticky red blood.

“Y-yeah, no. I don’t think I can patrol today, Yusha-san. The villain from yesterday activated their quirk on me-and I’m feeling a bit sick.”

Yusha, the secretary to the (L/n) hero agency, typed something down on his computer. “Is it something we should be concerned about?”

“No.” (Y/n) croaked out with a chuckle. “Their quirk isn’t really dangerous, but it did make me a bit sick. It’ll pass, don’t worry.”

“Ok. I’ll send in one of your sidekicks to patrol with Hawks-san today.” More typing from across the phone. (Y/n) pursed his lips.

“U-uh,”

“Don’t worry. I’m sending a male sidekick.” Yusha practically read his mind. (Y/n) didn’t want any stupid girls hitting on his stupid, popular, pro-hero patrol buddy boyfriend.

“Thank you, Yusha-san.”

“It’s nothing. Get some rest, (H/n). We expect you to show up tomorrow.” Yusha ended up before (Y/n) could even say goodbye. He lazily dropped his phone onto his bedside table, burying himself under his bedsheets as best as he could. Just as he was getting comfy, the urge to cough up more blood kicked him in the stomach.

He flung himself over his bed, practically shoving his head into the small waste bin under his bedside table. He wiped his mouth with his forearm after hacking up more blood, his head suddenly feeling hazy and jumbled.

He groaned, and got under the bedsheets once more. The world seemed to be against him today, as another distraction forced him out from his beauty sleep.

His phone buzzed once. Twice. Then the annoying, overlapping ring of multiple messages being spammed buzzed out his phone, making (Y/n) cover his ears with his pillow.

Annoyed, he patted around the side table til’ his hand landed on his phone, pulling it towards him and under the sheets.

‘Keigo 🍗 - where r u :(‘

‘Keigo 🍗 - who’s this...rando dude patrolling wit me :(((‘

‘Keigo 🍗 - r u asleep or smth’

‘Keigo 🍗 - wake up ur late to patrol and I need my yakitori addiction funded today’

‘Keigo 🍗 - DUDE’

‘Keigo 🍗 - BBBBBBBBBB’

‘Keigo 🍗 - IM NOT GONNA STOP SPAMMING U TILL U ANSWER ME OR SHOW UP AN PATROL WITH ME >:(((‘

(Y/n) sighed. He opened the messages, meaning that Keigo would get the ‘message read’ notification, but he couldn’t care less. Tossing the phone lazily on the table, he muted the messages app.

———

(Y/n) stirred in his sleep when he heard tapping on his bedroom window. (Y/n) opened his sticky eyes, barely open enough to see a blurry red object tapping against the glass frame. Eventually, the object halted, gave up, and swooped down and out of sight. He shrugged.

Just as he closed his eyes, more pelting came from the window, this time louder and heavier. (Y/n) snapped his eyes open, flinging himself out of bed, and getting ready to activate his quirk.

He visibly relaxed when he saw the huge red wings tapping outside the window, with a certain hero crouching down, looking at him sheepishly and trying to pick open the window lock. The man waved with an embarrassed smile, his feathers following suit.

“Keigo Takami. What the fuck are you doing in my house.”

The man, Keigo Takami, chuckled awkwardly while (y/n) undid the clasps on his window. He stepped back, allowing him to worm his way in through the small window.

Keigo paused, half way squeezed in with his wings stuck in the cramped window frame. He was stuck. “Y...you need to buy a bigger window-“

“Are you dumb?” (Y/n) chuckled, the sight of Pro Hero Hawks, man who could pull absolute pussy, bent over his bedroom window, stuck with his wings awkwardly fluttering in place. “Just, I don’t know, send your feathers off until they’re small enough to fit you in.”

Keigo had a wave of realization. This man had no braincells whatsoever. “...oh, haha, you’re so smart~”

One by one, feathers jutted out from his back, each floating either inside (Y/n’s) room or outside the window. Once all of them were off, and his back were relatively empty, he tumbled ever-so-gracefully inside the room. He stood up, his wings rebuilding themselves in seconds, and did an awful curtsy.

“Thank you, thank you, I’ll be here all day to take care of my sick patrol partner who do happens to be my boyfriend,”

“Speaking of patrol -what happened to patrol? A-and the dude you should be patrolling with? You should be out by n-“

A sharp, piercing pain shot through (Y/n’s) head. Now that the adrenaline from Hawks pounding on his window was subsiding, he seemed to remember how much his head was hurting.

He fumbled down, catching himself on the foot of his bed while Keigo lurched forward. “You good?” He mumbled, taking off his black wool glove.

He rested the back of his palm on (Y/n’s) forehead, before signing uncontently and replacing his hand with his lips. Even if he was burning up, (Y/n) froze.

After a while, Keigo drew his head back. “You’re burning up...”

Silence. Hawks awkwardly chuckled and played it off by running his hand through his hair.

“Lips are more sensitive than hands are-so I was just...you need to get to bed!” Keigo quickly stood up, gently ushering the sick hero to his bed. Pulling up the thick-set covers, Keigo hazily tosses his jacket to the corner and discarded his other glove.

“Try and get some rest. Did that dude’s quirk from yesterday do this?” He got a nod in response. “Alright. I’m gonna go change and get you some shit.”

With that and a warm smile, Keigo disappeared through the bedroom door. (Y/n) followed him with his eyes, right before he was out of sight, then let his eyes droop close.

———

“Pssst.”

A finger poked at (Y/n’s) cheek. He grumbled, furrowing his brows and keeping his eyes screwed shut. He heard a sigh from somewhere above him.

Something feathery tickled him from underneath his nose. He scrunched his nose up, expecting the odd feeling to go away, before feeling a sneeze build up. The watery feeling course through his nose before his head shot up every-so-slightly to let out a weak “Achoo!”

Keigo snickered. (Y/n) finally opened his eyes. Keigo was sitting beside him, now in casual clothes, holding a convince store bag and a red feather. The feather flew out of his hand and stuck itself on his back.

“Sorry I was out for so long. You didn’t have jack shit in your house, so I bought some medicine and takeout since I know you won’t eat soup and I can’t cook.”

It was true. The only thing Pro Hero Hawks is allowed to do is heat up a hotdog, and even then he might break the microwave. And (Y/n) won’t eat soup he made if his life depended on it. If he can’t even turn on the stove, what makes you think that he’d drink a whole bowl of soup made by him and not die?

“Whad’ja get?” (Y/n’s) voice came out more gravely and deep than he expected. Under different circumstances, that would’ve been kinda hot. Keigo pulled out things one by one from the bag.

“Ok so, I got painkillers, a cooling pack, a heating pad just in case your stomach starts hurting, a thermometer, and I found these cool matching red bird keychains and I bought them on impulse. One for you and one for me~ I also bought 2 beef bowls”

Keigo layed all the items down either on the bed or on the table beside it, holding up the keychains last. Shaking them around a bit, turns out there was a small bell inside both of them. (Y/n) tried, and failed, to hide his growing smile.

Keigo placed the cooling pack on (Y/n’s) previously burning forehead. The sudden coldness forced an involuntary groan from the bed sick male. He chuckled.

“Sorry. Deal with that for awhile and I’ll feed you~” Hawks saddled up in the spot next to him, holding the two plastic bowls and worming his way underneath the covers. He placed the food down on his lap and switched on the tv.

They sat in silence, the only thing being the sounds of the tv filling the room with the occasional reaction or snicker from the two. Keigo alternated between shoveling a forkful of rice and beef into his mouth, then feeding his boyfriend and carefully making sure none spilled onto his bed. The news reporter droned on onscreen, their voice being tuned out by the two hero’s.

“By the way, Keigo,” (Y/n) started, once he swallowed his food. Keigo gave a hum of acknowledgment, holding up a finger to (y/n), then to his mouth until he finished chewing. Thickly swallowing, Keigo hummed again.

“You were supposed to patrol today. With one of my sidekicks. What happened to that?”

Keigo looked at (Y/n), before looking back at the tv so causally. For a while he said nothing, until he opened his mouth.

“I ditched.”

(Y/n) made a sputtering noise. His shock turned into a long string of hacks and coughs, which Keigo waited ever-so-patiently for him to calm down from. “You ditched?! Keigo, you’re the no. 2 hero! You can’t be caught ditching!”

“Relaaaaax,” Keigo leaned farther into the bed cushions. “I told my agency and your stupid sidekick man that I was gonna check on you. It was a valid excuse.”

“Still!” (Y/n) rubbed at his temples. Hawks shoveled another forkful of food into his mouth. “You’re sitting here watching tv with me instead of working!”

“I needed a break. Plus,” Keigo held up his unfinished bowl of food defensively.

“I can’t believe you.”

“I love you too~”

(Y/n) sighed.

“I hope you get sick.” Hawks chuckled, saying something about being immune to all sicknesses.

Needless to say, (y/n) was patrolling with one of Keigos sidekicks the next day.

——————

[toutallyahoe]

LUCKY ~ Matsukawa Issei (Haikyuu) (2/?)

requested by: --

pairing(s): matsukawa issei x [name]

warnings: cursing, oikawa bullying

a/n: i just found out how to do the freaking "keep reading" thing for my post

yall finally dont have to scroll long now asdfghjkskdhjsf im so sorry for being an idiot and not knowing how to do it sooner yall (´；ω；｀)

anyways, more mattsun simping

chapter one | chapter two |

A WEEK HAD PASSED BY after that event where the males volleyball club— or at least for Oikawa Tōru, had known that one of the resident fucklords of the males volleyball club of Aoba Johsai, Matsukawa Issei (also known as the very ridiculous nickname "Mattsun" courtesy by the dumbass named Oikawa Tōru) was dating the student council president, [Last name] [Name].

"Mattsun!!! How does it feel like dating Brickwall-san?!?"

And it seemed like Oikawa Tōru, the oh so perfect male of Aoba Johsai (but resident dumpster trash and alien weirdo for his teammates and friends) was still not over the fact that Issei was dating [Name], or currently known as "Brickwall-san" by the chocolate brown haired male.

Currently, the four third years were in the gym's changing room. The practice for the day was already done and they were in the middle of changing while the rest of the team were already finished since they weren't actually wasting their time. Not like these four, well, three as the black haired ace unfortunately had to keep an eye to the two crackheads and trashy asshole that he call his teammates and friends.

"Are the rumors about him being a good kisser true?!?" Tōru asked without shame whatsoever as the unfortunate best friend of Tōru, Iwaizumi Hajime only let out a tired sigh at the volleyball captain's question.

Hajime was already so done with trying to stop Tōru for asking any more dumb questions as the chocolate brown haired male just couldn't stop. This wasn't his fucking job, goddammit. Iwaizumi Hajime wanted to fucking die right now. What a mood.

Hanamaki Takahiro, who was beside Issei looked at Tōru with a raised brow. The light brown (pink???) haired male mischievous smirked as his eyes shined in a sick sense of amusement. And not far behind him, Issei had that same look of mischievous amusement aswell.

The volleyball team's ace could only let out another tired sigh as he began to rub his temple, feeling the incoming headache already as he muttered curses underneath his breath. This wasn't his fucking job. He wasn't a fucking babysitter goodammit, so why does he have to deal with this bullshit?

"Eh? Why do you want to know?" Takahiro asked as he gave the third year setter a look yet the grin on his lips never leaving nor the amusement in his eyes. "Is Shittykawa interested on Prez?"

"You better not Loserkawa," Issei merely said with a smile, sending the volleyball captain an amused look but his eyes held a small glint of something neither any of the team can pin point what it was. But the volleyball captain felt a shiver down his spine. It was oddly terrifying and Tōru doesn't want to die, thank you very much.

"Wow, someone's territorial," Takahiro quietly snickered as he stopped himself from laughing when his friend had sent him a look and then elbowing him.

It seemed like it took a moment for the third year setter to realized what Takahiro had just said about him liking [Name], and it immediately made Tōru want to gag. The said male let out sputters as Tōru's face bloomed red. Head furiously shaking as he crossed his arms like an "x" formation in his chest.

"H-hah?!? Makki I am not!!!" Tōru screamed. Face horrified as he imagined himself liking the [Hair color] haired male. As if!!! That guy gave him the shivers and not in a cutesy way but the one with creeps!!! "I can't even imagine him even dating anyone!!!"

"Oi, [Last name]-san is literally dating your teammate, Dumbkawa," Hajime had said in annoyance as he punched the chocolate brown haired male on the back of his head. Tōru only cried out in pain as he rubbed his head to ease up the ache he was feeling.

"Wah! Iwa-chan your so mean!"

"Well, Weirdkawa is not wrong," Issei has said as both Tōru and Hajime paused and looked at him, confused while Takahiro laughed at their dumbfounded look aswell as the words coming out of his friend's mouth. "I don't even know how he is dating me," Issei said as he finished buttoning his uniform.

"Mattsun... what?" The chocolate brown haired male managed to said as he looked at the black haired middle blocker with a look of confusion while the said male shrugged his shoulders with a small grin on his lips.

"What? [Name] is still a mystery to me too," Issei had said.

"You both are gay for each other, end of discussion," Takahiro butted in as he then turned to the volleyball captain.

"But Asskawa, why would you ask if he is a good kisser?" Takahiro asked as Issei nodded beside him. Neither of the two didn't mind Tōru crying on the different insulting nickname they used to call him.

"Mattsun, Shittykawa is trying to steal Prez away from you!" The light brown (maybe pink, no one fucking knows) haired male said in very obvious tone of sarcasm yet Tōru didn't seemed to caught on to it that Takahiro was joking. Man, what a dumbass.

"Makki!!! I do not!!!" Tōru cried as he made disgusted faces. Oikawa Tōru seriously doesn't want anything to do with the oh so loved (and also terrifying for most of the Aoba Johsai population) student council president that was [Name].

"You can have him all to yourself Mattsun!!!" Tōru cried as he then yelped in pain when the black haired ace punched the back of his head hard.

"Can you shut up already, Shittykawa?!?" Hajime asked in annoyance as he began to beat the volleyball captain while both Takahiro and Issei snickered as they watched the ace pummel their captain. Still sadistic assholes, the two were.

"Um, senpais?" The four stopped and looked at the entrance of the changing room to see Kindaichi Yūtarō who looked a bit nervous.

"Oh, Kindaichi!" Tōru happily said. The volleyball captain was rather happy to see his junior as Yūtarō's appearance managed to make Hajime's brutal beating to a hold. "What do you need?"

With that, Yūtarō straightened himself as he bowed. "Excuse me for disturbing any of you," Yūtarō apologized as he stood back up and turned to look at Issei who rosed a brow at him. "But [Last name]-senpai is here and is asking for Matsukawa-senpai!"

"Ah, looks like your bae is here Mattsun!" Tōru had said as he was the first one to realized what their junior has said. The volleyball captain wasted no time to teased Issei who didn't even give a single glance at him as the black haired middle blocker nodded at Yūtarō.

"Thanks," Issei had said as the first year once again bowed and then went back outside the changing room and go who knows where.

"Mattsun is walking home with his boo," Takahiro had teased as he patted the black haired middle blocker's back. Giving Issei a smile when the male turned to roll his eyes at him. "Enjoy your time with your boo, dickhead."

"Your just sad because your single, bitch," Issei had said as he stuck his tongue out at Takahiro who snorted at his words.

"Fuck you, man."

"Nah, [Name]'s got that covered."

The two friend snickered at their words as both Tōru and Hajime looked at each other and then shrugged. They would've butted in but it seemed like the two fucklords were in their own world.

It took a minute or so, and then Issei was already finishing on changing to his uniform as he took his bag from the bench that was inside the changing room. The black haired male was already at the doorway fo the changing room when he stopped and and gave a mocking salut to the three third years.

"Later bitches," Issei had bid as Tōru whined on being insulted as Hajime sighed and slapped the back of the captain's head which earned more cries from the chocolate brown haired male while Takahiro rolled his eyes.

"Hope you got run over by a truck while Prez watches, you dick," Takahiro hollered as Issei turned to give his friend a middle finger while the said male stuck his tongue out and did the same aswell.

"Bitter bitch!"

"Dumb dick!"

"Can you two not be vulgar?!?"

"But Iwa-chan, you use those words too— AHH NOT THE FACE PLEASE!!!"

   "Did you wait long?" Issei had asked as he approached the [Hair color] haired male who shook his head. Issei smiled at that.

"Not really," [Name] had said as Issei had walked beside him. The black haired male then immediately grabbed his hand and [Name] didn't mind. He always liked when Issei's hand was intertwined with his. "Did you have fun with practice?" [Name] had to bit back a smile that was threatening to come its way to his lips as he heard Issei groan.

"It was tiring," Issei had said as he pouted. "Dumbkawa was also being annoying, like always," Issei added which made [Name] softly chuckle.

"Isn't he always?" The [Hair color] haired male had said as Issei let out a snort at his words. The black haired male gave [Name] a grin, eyes gleamed with joy.

"Yeah, your right about that."

With a hum, [Name] squeezed Issei's hand as he began to walk. "Come on, let's head back home already."

"Yeah, yeah, Prez."

"Please don't call me that."

< prev | next >

[jee-ns]

flowers on hongdae street

pairing : lisaxfem!reader

genre : fluff with a hint of angst

warnings : rejection lol

words : 1.4k

synopsis : going to the flower shop everyday buying flowers for your lovely sweatheart. only to find out she doesn’t like you back. bummed out, you avoid the flower shop. but the cute girl who would see you daily we’re having none of it

"good morning!" you said while smilling cheerfully at the cashier. "hello y/n" lisa smiled at you and leaned over the counter, resting her head on her palm. "what can i get you today?" you pursed your lips out and took off your headphones. you swore you heard a small giggle. but you decided to ignore it.

you took a good look around the small overgrown flower shop. the walls were filled covered with the colour mint and overgrown flowers. it's a pretty pleasant sight. you could stay here for hours just looking around at the exterior. but you have to deliver your daily flowers to roseanne. you can't wait to see her face again when she opens her locker and smells the flowers looking so etheral. you don't even know how she does it. but you're happy you're her source of happiness. "today i want something different again"

you looked up at lisa with a big smile showing of your newly flossed teeth. lisa looks at you and cooed. "it's for the same person?" she said while going over to the tulips. her hands scheme over the flowers. "well..." you weren't ready to tell her that you didn't know what roseanne liked. it's so pathetic. "i don't really know what she likes" you said embarrassingly while scratching your nape.

lisa turned around and laughed while you huffed out a breath off annoyance. "you're such a lovesick fool it's amusing" you rolled your eyes, popping your earphones back in your ear and started heading to the counter. after a good 2 minutes she came back with a bouquet of lillies. you gasped when the flowers came into your sight. you've always loved lillies. everything about it was so graceful. it was just an all rounded flower. you opened your wallet and payed the usual amount for a bouquet. after bidding lisa goodbye you made your way to school. going through the heavy doors of the school you went straight to roseanne's locker to drop off her flowers. you smiled as you admired the patterns on the flower. it got cut off quick when you heard her laughter. you looked back at the metal doors and saw her laughing with her friends. in a hurry you ran to your locker which wasn't that far away from her so she wouldn't be suspicious on why you were at her locker looking at the flowers. you peeked your head out to look at her. you smiled as she smelled the flowers and reading your note. it was just a simple compliment. you hoped it would be enough for her to reciprocate the feelings you have for her.

—-

after a few weeks of visiting the flower shop. today will be the last time you ever go there. today was a special day. you've finally gotten the courage to confess to roseanne. the flowers that you've gotten her always seemed to made her smile. so you expect her to fall inlove with your romantic doings.

"good morning lisa!" you said cheerfully. she was shocked by your sudden entrance. you've never walked in the shop like this. you were always calm and weren't the one to make a scene. so she was astonished to say the least. she greeted you back and ignored your happy state. thinking you woke up on the right side of the bed.

"today i want roses" you said leaning over the counter. lisa hummed and walked over to the pile of roses that was at the corner of the shop. "that seems oddly specific." she said in curiosity. you chuckled nervously and hesitated for a bit. "im going to confess today" you said. lisa's reaction caught you off guard. she was squealing while hitting you and jumping up and down. "finally! you've wasted so much in this shop. im getting sick of it." you chuckled at her words. you love lisa so much. she managed to calm you from your nerves and think about something else.

after paying and her giving you way too much encouragement. you started to make your way through the school gates.

—-

"no. sorry"

your heart shattered. you're so confused. what have you done wrong? she seemed to like all your givings. so why was she denying you now? your cheeks starts to blush in embarrassment and your arms went limp. the roses looking dead as ever.

"oh okay then."

you accepted your defeat and walked away. dragging your feet in sadness. after your first heartbreak. you decided not to comeback to the flower shop because it reminds you of how dumb and naive you were. being near the shop always reminded you of the tragedy. so you'd always walk on the other side of the road when you walk pass that street eventhough walking near the flower shop takes less time then crossing the road just to avoid it.

----

"fuck sorry" you apologised while still trying to grab your bus card. once you got a hold of it you started picking up the flowers that you knocked over from the other person. you handed it to them and noticed that they were wearing the worned out white nike airforces that you knew to well. before you could make a run for it. "hey y/n!" you sighed and greeted her back and started walking off. "are you okay?" she pulled you back with worry in her eyes. you just gave her a sheepish smile. she frowned at that but you could see her eyes light up.

"it didn't work out?" she asked and you just nodded. she patted your back and gave you a rose. you were stunned. she wouldn't normally do this. if this was her she would've raised the price for you. you looked up to tell her that you're in a hurry and can't accept this. but she was already at the counter dealing with a customer. you shrugged and rushed your way over to the bus stop.

once you've settled down on the bus, you decided to take this relaxing time and sniffed the rose that Lisa gave. the smell felt so nostalgic. you were gazing at the rose when you noticed a small note tied up to it. how could i miss that? you thought. I'm really out of it this morning. the note was folded into.

' why have you been avoiding the shop? i don't know what are your reasons but everyday when you would walk pass the shop across the street, you look so sluggish and very grumpy. so my hypothesis is you got heartbroken. lol. i feel bad for the girl. she lost a romantic. if what im hypothesising is true, we could go on a date on friday 8pm at the flower shop just fixing up the flowers and adding some oil. how does that sound? you might be thinking that this is a way for me to avoid working and you are absolutely right. but keeping the flowers in check is fun. and it's really romantic and cheap. so why not come? i'll be waiting '

you chuckled at her note. you didn't notice the smile that was forming on your face. of course you're going. you've always loved flowers so why not spend an evening with a cute girl surrounded by flowers? sounds like heaven.

----

on friday night you got ready and just wore a simple tshirt with long wide black pants. you were estatic to see the lisa, you would be lying if you didn't had a thing for her. everything would be so different if you met lisa first and falling for her rather than roseanne. it would deffinitely spare you from a heartbrake since she likes you back.

upon arriving the small bell on too of the entrance rang. signalling someone has entered. you took a good look around the flower shop that you haven’t been to for months. nothing changed really. except for the flowers on the wall behind the counter had overgrown and the lady behind it looking stunning as ever.

she was fixing some of the flowers that was hanging from the ceiling. her apron was covered in dirt. it made you chuckle. you made your way behind her.

you were about to ask her what was she doing when she turned around and bumped into you. the bump was strong enough to make you both topple over. you landed on your back with lisa in your arms and you’re pretty sure it’ll be sore in the morning. you both exchanged looks and started bursting out in laughter. this was the night that you would surely move on.

-admin 🗣

[thewritingstar]

"Stay." Reds, obviously. (Angst if you're up for it....) ❤️💖

Reds. reds. reds. Probably my number one ship growing up and i haven’t written more for them which is bad. Also not me not being able to breath when i saw this was from you...haha not fangirling ignore me.  But you asked for angst and angst you shall receive because my favorite thing to do is smash the hearts :) 

So I hope you enjoy (fuck i love your work so much)

-----

“Stay” 

Such a simple and utterly useless word. It was nothing but unfulfilled promises and just a cheap way of showing that they cared before their backs turned and they walked out again and again. 

He stopped going back. He stopped waiting and wishing for the others to stay for him, so instead he made them all leave. Forgot about brotherhood or relationships, he blocked them out years ago. It was easier that way. 

“Stay.”

 Every single girl he dated asked for that. To stay and be tied down by a piece of metal that held nothing. He thought about it honestly, once. He thought about giving his heart over, back when it was used for emotion, but now it sits in his chest cavity pumping blood and remaining as black and cold as a prison cell on a winter's night. He would know, he’s been there plenty. 

Hotel rooms were the place to be. There was no commitment, no second words and especially no staying. He didn’t care to stay as the sun rose into the sky, whoever had the misfortune of being with him that night would wake to an empty bed with tumbled sheets and a pounding in their head as they desperately tried to remember his face. They couldn’t and neither could he. 

No names, no numbers, no nothing. Nothing. 

If he had the choice, he would rip out his heart completely. The mind was the only tool he needed but sometimes it would snake in an idea from long ago and make his heart shake a little before he would slam back another bottle of the finest alcohol money could buy and make it sit in the darkness until he was ready to do it all over again. 

Years passed since the faithful day. The one that made his heart shrink to the size of a speck of dust. 

“You should go.” 

“But-”

“Just go, you obviously don’t care!” She had screamed and it stung. A slap across the face or the shattering of a car window, he had broken. 

He did care! He wanted to scream. He cared too much to watch her leave but that wasn’t enough. He...he wasn’t enough. 

The only thing that ever kept his mind occupied besides the wild thoughts and white noise, was her voice. 

The breaking of each syllable as she held her hands over her heart as if she was surrendering. The way her eyes had been so bright and kind then that light banished and replaced with stone. A gorgeous pink stone that cut him like a knife when he took a step forward. Her lips quivered and she tried to find peace within herself but she couldn’t. She might be everything nice, but she held herself to standards, one apparently he couldn’t reach. 

“G-go” He didn’t want to believe it and maybe she didn’t either but the only time he had ever wanted to stay, he didn’t. 

He soon took her advice like a bull being branded. Go. Go. Go. Staying was never an option, not anymore, she made that clear. 

He would wake up in cold sweats, the chemical x leaking from his pores and almost setting his sheets on fire, curse these fucking powers. The look on her face of pure heartbreak, he thought they were together for the long haul, he thought that she loved him, so why didn’t she stay? 

And so those next few months would be spent begging and pleading, he was no bitch but his jeans had ripped holes in them from being on his knees, desperately craving for her meek attention, but she would never give in. Time and time again he would be sent away. Roses would die on her porch and the chocolates would melt even in the winter. He just watched the fire between them die silently.

“Go.”

“I don’t want to.”

“Go.” And he would be on his way.

His mind doesn’t remember the last time he was there. But in the back of his head be begged that she had missed him. That she would realize he hadn’t shown up and soon she would come running like she used to. His arms would be open ready to catch her like the love sick puppies they were. 

But there was now brick wall between them. At first it was like a tower of cards, then glass, then a shield. All of them breakable until he could see her paving the cement and closing him off for good. 

All he wanted to do was stay as the last brick was placed. But you can only graffiti the same wall so many times, or bang your fists until they bled and leaked onto the carpet. Sometimes his thick skull was a curse. 

Over time the booze and cheap thrills would allow him to regain his balance before falling off the face of the earth. His brothers stopped looking along time ago as the darkness took in again and again. There was nothing in the world that would ever pull him from his own demise. 

And then the months turned to years. And his fire powers couldn’t melt his heart and he even toyed with the idea of settling down and staying for some girl he barely knew and just allowing life to pass meekly. Watching the sky  go from blue to black over and over again until his grave was the only view point. 

--

The coffee from the small shop burned his tongue but he allowed it. Sometimes pain was all he could feel and he thrived for that small feeling of something. 

And that voice that played on repeat like a broken record player sounded and he knew it didn’t come from within. Instead he turned his head and saw her. The one with the key to his heart dangling on her fingers as she approached him after all those years. 

Like a ghost from his past, her mere presence was enough to shake him from the inside out. A chilling freeze kissing the back of his neck before scrapping into his bones. 

He didn’t remember what had happened next as they talked as if nothing in the past had happened. She got older and so did he. She looked well and the stone had broken down to reveal the crystal underneath. The apologies came as fast as the tears and he felt that warmth in his chest spread as everything he wanted came back to him. 

The moment where she would return to him and they would have the life they always wanted. They were dumb and she was still desperately in love with him, as was he. That smile and flush of cheeks had brought his own to his lips and he wasted no time with small talk even if it did fill the white noise. 

The sound of her saying she was wrong and that she tried to run back and tear down that brick wall. Those tears she shed and the cries echoed in his mind as he held her. 

He felt his heart pump more than blood and that echo of running had been silenced as he stared into her eyes like he did when they were lovesick fools. The countless flashbacks of him holding her while they sway to music or talk about whatever came to mind. The bashful arguments about who was right about a historical quote would die off as his lips pressed to hers and she would kiss him back as if to prove to the world she loved him. 

It all came back and happened so fast like being swept under a current. She laid by his side, eyelashes batting and the words that echoed on her tongue were the ones he avoided for years. 

“Stay”   

And she repeated it. He felt the balance of the world level and finally the darkness had given him back his light. The bright pink light he didn’t know was this bright and he was afraid he was going to be electrified by her, but he loved it. He loved her. 

And the sweat this time was more than fire and ice. It burned his body to an extreme he had never felt before and he thought the universe was about to end him for good. His breathing was rapid as the light to the lamp was flipped on.

His face was wet with tears. He almost forgot what it felt like to have an emotion other than emptiness. He was waiting for a hand to come on his back. The soft voice to soothe him to a steady heartbeat but in the glow of the light, there was nothing. 

The sheets were tumbled and tangled around one of his legs and he looked around for a trace of her. But there was nothing. Lips quivering and body shaking, he scrunched the empty sheets that held no one but him into his fists. The red glow dying as his heart, that pumped blood, calmed down. 

She was never here, he should have known. There was nothing but lost time and heartbreak as he fell back onto the bed and let the bottle of tears flow free. 

His voice barely above a whisper as he stared at the ceiling that was almost completely black due to lack of light and remembered a time where they were by each other's sides, too long ago to the point that the memory was like a phantom. 

“Stay.”

----

I hope you enjoyed and im sorry for the ending :) 

[hoeforbilly]

second chances

i have a bunch of requests (thank you thank you thank you) and im doing my best to get them out to you as soon as i can! hope you like this one!

request: "Could you write an imagine, where Billy cheats on the reader and she catches him in the act. He doesn't realize how much she affected his life/ how much he loves her until shes no longer apart of his life. He tries to win her back. (Maybe happy ending?)" @schulky56

warnings: idk if i should mention there's swear words here? maybe? well there are lol

genre: a lil angsty, a lil fluffy

word count: 1.6k (yay finally something longer)

"It's not like we were ever that serious" Billy's voice was quiet and you couldn't help but laugh at his words. He was on sitting his bed, the girl right behind him, wearing one of hisshirts. You felt sick looking at them.

"What do you mean we weren't serious? you said with a bitter laugh. "Don't even answer that." you decided, turning on your heel and heading for the stairs.

"Y/N wait!" he sounded behind you but you didn't want to look back, tears already gathering in your eyes. Your heart was pounding, and you felt your hands starting to shake. You almost made it to the door but Billy caught up to you. You slowly turned around to look at him.

"Look, I really didn't think you were serious about this so I didn't know this would be such a big deal and..." you didn't let him finish.

"We both know that's a lie Billy" was all you said before leaving his house, getting in your car and driving away for good. To think you came over to check in on him after he didn't come to school that day. You felt disgusting knowing he just used you, he did exactly what people said he would and fucking cheated on you, like you were just another girl to cross off his list, add to a collection of thropies. Tears clouded your vision so you pulled over and put your car in park. "This is not real" you said to yourself, as you sobbed. You were pathetic and you hated that you let Billy do this to you. You hated that you trusted him and that he made you believe you were special enough for him to stay with you. "I'm so fucking dumb" you cried.

A few weeks passed and you slowly managed to pick yourself back up. You were very successful in avoiding Billy at school, you ignored every question and story you heard about him and just went on with your life. Your heart still ached for him, you were worried any time you wouldn't see his camaro parked in its usual spot but he hurt you way too much for you to just forget about it and run to him.

Billy thought he really wouldn't care. You were just a girl and he wasn't the type to cry over a girl. He did feel guilty when he saw you cry as you drove away but he expected that to be it. A quick moment of sadness and then back to the schedueled programming.

He walked back up to his room, he did leave a gorgeous girl all alone in his bed after all. He layed next to her and she cuddled up to him and Billy swore he felt sick to his stomach. He stayed like that for a second before jumping out of bed.

"You have to go" he mumbled. And so she did. She got dressed, cursing him under her breath and left his house. He had no idea what was happening but he felt so fucking empty. His head was aching, he grabbed a shoe box from under his bed and started gathering your things. A pen you let him borrow on his first day in Hawkins. Your chemistry notes he took to study from because he didn't have his own. A sweater you forgot to take as you left his room in a hurry, trying to avoid Neil's anger. A hair tie. A note you left in his locker. He felt his cheeks go red as he looked at what he had left of you. "What the fuck Hargrove" he whispered go himself, running his fingers over the sweater. "Why the fuck would you do that".

He felt awful. He didn't realize how special you were to him until you were no longer there and he just didn't know what to do with himself. He tried to talk to girls but they just couldn't compare to you. They weren't funny like you. They didn't have your laugh. God Billy was whipped for you and he only realized after you were out of his reach. He intended on giving you back all the things you left at his place but he couldn't bring himself to do it. He was miserable. Seeing you made him feel even worse, he just wanted to walk up to you, apologize and kiss those beautiful lips of yours. But he neved did, knowing you probably hated him.

The streets of Hawkins were almost empty, it was just past 8pm, the sun was slowly setting, the sound of rain hitting the roof of his camaro nearly putting Billy to sleep. He dropped Max off at the Wheeler's house and decided to take the long way home, not really wanting to have to deal with Neil just yet. The shoebox filled with your belongings was placed in the backseat, just in case he got the guts to finally return in to you.

He saw a figure appear on the sidewalk seemingly out of nowhere. The weather was no ideal for a walk but he didn't really care, happy he was seated in the comfort of his car. As he approached the person he started paying more attention to them. A big red hoodie with the strings pulled to protect them from rain, sweatpants and white sneakers. He took a closer look and realized it was you. In his red Hawkins Pool hoodie. He felt like his heart was about to jump out of his chest. He slowed down and rolled his window down.

"Y/N it's raining. I can give you a ride" he gave you a small smile and tried go swallow the lump in his throat.

"Thanks, I can walk. My house isn't that far anyway" you answered politely, not even looking at him. Your house was in fact very far away, at least a 20 minute walk. You thought he wouldn't remember anyway.

"Except it is far" he noticed with more confidence in his voice. "Come on, it's not a big deal. I don't want you to get sick".

"Okay" Billy's heart skipped a beat when you said that. You quickly walked over to the passenger door, getting in and taking off your hood. The car smelled just like you remembered. The leather seats had a lot of wear to them but that's what made them so special.

"So how have you been?" there was a shakiness to Billy's voice that you didn't recognize but you decided to ignore it.

"Good. A lot of school and stuff" you didn't wanna go into detail of how wrong it felt to not be with him. He nodded and hummed, acknowledging your words. "What about you?"

"Same old, same old" he sighed. You spent the rest of the drive in silence. Billy opened his mouth a couple times but ultimately decided not to say anything, as it would probably be super dumb anyway. Pulling up to your driveway he cursed himself for wasting a chance to talk to you.

"Thanks Billy" you smiled at him and unbuckled your seatbelt. "Do you want to come in?" your eyes widened in shock at what you just said. Not once during the drive have you thought about inviting him in and you had no idea where in suddently came from.

"Sure" he answered casually. Inside he was freaking out. You got out of the car and ran to your door, the rain was way more intense now and neither of you wanted to get soaked. You sat on the couch and just kind of looked at each other awkwardly. Billy broke the silence with a deep breath.

"Listen Y/N, I'm really sorry for what I did" he started, as he leaned to you a little, eyes glued to his hands. You did not expect to hear any apology from Billy Hargrove, and this one was really genuine.

"I mean we weren't technically dating. You never asked me to but I just assumed and..." your voice caught in your throat when he finally looked at you.

" I regret what I did and I regret not asking you to be my girlfriend. I was so dumb and I just didn't realize how much better my life was with you" he admitted. You stayed quiet for a while, surprised at his sudden confession.

"I get that you probably don't care about me anymore" he added and you shook your head.

"I do" you have him a weak smile. "I always cared about you Billy. That's why I stuck by your side for so long."

"Can we try again?" you saw how scared he was to ask that question.

"I don't know if I could trust you B."

"We don't have to go straight into dating. I just... I just really want you back in my life. You can go out with anyone you want and I can wait as long as it takes before you trust me. Even if you never wanna date i just wanna be your friend" it took you a while to process his words and he was getting more nervous by the second. "Please?" he reached out for your hand and you nodded.

"Okay. We can try that" the smile he gave you after that made your stomach do multiple flips. He pulled you into a hug and never stopped grinning as he held you close to him.

"Thank you. I won't waste your time, I promise".

Billy Hargrove was not one to make promises. But he knew he would keep this one.

~

~

~

here it is, hope you like it! 💜

[citialiin]

FIVE SONGS

list five songs associated with your muse and its meaning to them as a character, or to you as the writer. this can be applied in-character or out-of-character. it can go as deep as looking at the song’s real-world origins or meaning along with the themes it carries to the muses’ story, values, or experiences, or as simple as if your muse would listen to this kind of music, or even if you just listen to these pieces for inspiration.

TAGGED BY: @dansiere​​, who did such a good detailed job they even included an “honorable mentions list” ? i am embarrassed to type mine out now TAGGING: @blossomingbeelzebug​​ @zhrets​​ @dirtyfilthysunshine​​ @prcphesise​​ @hyakiru​ @foxcharmed​

01. kaun komsott - ros sereysothea

this song actually lyrically has absolutely nothing to do with ziggy !!!!  kaun komsott /  កូនកំសត់ actually just means “poor/pitiful child” it’s just a khmer dub of a song from a taiwanese movie lol but i feel like this is the kind of music he would listen to that made him fall in love with, like ... humanity, as dumb as that sounds. it’s time period appropriate (late 60s/early to mid 70s), the song is really good and it’s SO emotional.  i could see him sitting in the apartment of his bandmates after being “found” and they teach him how to use the record player and he sits there going through each and every record they have and listening to this and its like the fucking scene in ratatootie where the goddamn rat can visualize tastes as colors but he would be so enamored with the song he would see it in colors or something i dunno.  something has definitely fucking happened to my brain because ever since nat and alex and i rewatched ratatootie we keep referencing it for our characters. anyways i ended up using an instrumental of kaun komsott in the final film i made as the song that plays during the end.  so this song just also means a lot to me because it’s part of how i made this character and the film/story i animated to go along with him, i am sure you are all absolutely sick of hearing me talk about it <3  

02. who can i be now - daveed booweyywywy now you found me, now can I be real?  can I be real? if it’s all a vast creation / putting on a face that’s new someone has to see / a role for him and me someone might as well be you

one of z’s most obvious character motifs is figuring out self identity through adopting different guises.  he markets himself as being so overly confident and almost arrogantly certain of himself -- rock god space idol whatever -- as his own way of learning who he thinks he might be underneath it all.  i think at first it started off a little innocuous, a ‘ fake it till u make it ’ thing at the least and maybe more obviously a ‘ im not a human so i have to pretend to be someone else ’ deal, but over time it became almost all consuming and just obliterated all his previously held sense of self in favor of some weirdly demented version of who he wanted to be.  683 starts off with the same core personality traits as ziggy: maybe he’s a little vain, a little selfish, but he’s very interested in creativity/self-expression and he wants to be thought of as a unique individual and appreciated for his differences.  but the difference is that 683 isnt an arrogant asshole who has no regard for other people in the slightest.  so yeah ... who can u be now ... is it worth it to adopt a different guise or should he go through the effort of figuring out what parts of his personality were corroded by human influence and what parts are genuinely him?  my big endgame thoughts for his story would be that he eventually just decides to retire from the public eye and fucks off entirely.  this would be over the course of a long long long time -- maybe he has a good 20 yr run in the industry -- but there are some things about him he has to deal with (mental health issues, drug addiction, also the fact that you’re a freaky alien creature who doesnt age like a human so you’re physically like 46 and you still look like you’re 25?) so he inevitably decides he doesnt need the horrible pressure of fame and he ought to just live his life for himself.  i think this would be a nice final song for him to sing/perform -- then he goes into the dressing room and cuts his hair and just vanishes. bye.

03. sunny afternoon - the kinks Help me, help me, help me sail away Well give me two good reasons why I oughta stay 'Cause I love to live so pleasantly Live this life of luxury Lazing on a sunny afternoon

1. i think this would sound A LITTLE like the kind of music he would write/play albeit i feel like his would be more exciting and have more samplings of like laser noises or pewpewpew or weird spaceship sounds BUT.  its also pretty time period appropriate.  even in “modern” verses ziggy is inexplicably obsessed with the 1970s, he likes bell bottoms and thinks groovy patterns are neat and he owns too many lava lamps.  anywayz. 2. just the general idea of feeling unfulfilled with luxury -- even if ziggy enjoys his fame and wealth and the absolutely insane amount of pussy/dick he gets at some level he is still cognizantly aware of how weirdly empty he feels.  he ditched atomina and came here because he felt unfulfilled and bored and unwanted.  now he feels wanted (clearly, everyone loves him) and he feels entertained (earth is So Good at fun distractions) but his fulfillment still isnt quite there.  he’s getting there -- but in exchange of being able to live this life of fame, he’s had to kind of change everything about himself and live this almost caricature version of himself, and he knows he cant keep it up forever.  the luxury will run out one day and he’ll be a washup and no one cares about celebrities once they stop being hip.  it is literally only a matter of time before ziggy has to find out who he is because no one can be a “rockstar” forever.

04. i hate jimmy page - mindless self indulgence SUCKAS CAN REACH OUT TOUCH ME EAT ME BITE DA FUTURE & FUCK DA PAST  I'm lower than most animals and fear what might be weird and all those voices in my head have every right to be there i ain't a girl just cause i rock the boat i ain't a boy just cause i rock your world

i mean he does hate jimmy page but that’s beside the point. its just a good song about being a crazy rockstar and has the same Craziness that i feel like accompanies his character ... just go listen to it you will understand. there is nothing to explain here.  even the lyric “ill show u how official midgets jack me off” like just accept it. it’s whatever  but yeah i aint a girl i aint a boy ... i guess his gender (or lack thereof) never really comes up in rp but its still an important part of his character.  if any of u guys ever call him a man in prose again ill kick ur ass.  gender is like an accessory to him and he just takes whatever aspects of masculinity/femininity he prefers and discards everything else.  to him he’s just as much a “man” or a “woman” as he is a “human” which is to say he isnt, at all, and he just pretends to be because he feels obligated to.  also ziggy’s brain kind of sounds like this...just Noises.  his brain sounds like a microwave that’s been going off for 26 years.  i think his brain is a single uncooked pinto bean rolled in glitter that’s been left in a box with a cobweb

05. ghostride - crumb daydreaming I stay in the backseat / the slow beat rocks me back to sleep keeps me on automatic  press my face up close against the glass i see the people when they pass they move so automatic you wake up when I go down / the radio reminds me I'm alive we've been hearing it all night

i care more about 683 on atomina than i do about ziggy on earth sometimes (BUT I CARE THEM BOTH. DO U?) so ... 683 feeling aimless and drifting but trying to find purpose through passion, a person, some sort of concrete meaning -- going through the motions of life makes him feel empty he spends almost every day going through the same toil while feeling guilty or like a burden and also feeling like he’s ultimately nothing more than a replaceable cog in a machine. his species had a near extinction = bottleneck which made them so genetically similar they’re almost clones of each other.  no one ever seems to do anything wrong except him, he finds no joy or fulfillment in anything at all.  all he ever wanted (which isnt a selfish desire at all) was to feel purpose, or feel wanted, or appreciated. inevitably he leaves because of his own imagination -- he yearns for something More, and he doesn’t know What, so he figured he ought to at least Try instead of waste his life away. also atomina is supposed to sound like “automatic.”  do NOT make fun of my bad scifi.  i am trying to mimic the way 1970s scifi is endearingly cheesy.  come here.  i just want to touch you with this knife.  gently tho it wont go inside of you. bro you are bleeding. bro we are bleeding and i keep putting the knife in your soft parts.

[kweebtrash]

Eres Mia (M)

Messy Chapter 8

Pairing(s): OC X Johnny

Genre: College AU, Fuckboy AU, Angst, Smut, a smidge of fluff/awkwardness

Summary: Fuckboys are basically good for one thing. You hit it and quit it- except when his voice draws you in, his body keeps you there, and dumb ass feelings linger making things particularly messy.

Warnings: mentions of drugs/alcohol, talks about suicide, the teeeeniest bit of violence, possibility of emotional manipulation, jealousy/possessiveness

Features: unprotected sex, creampies, rough fingering/finger sucking, oral/throat fucking, a little hint of bondage, rough hair grabbing, squirting, overstretching/gaping, daddy/princess dynamics, choking, relentless/brutal/deep thrusting, a bit of overstimulation/multiple orgasms, also being covered in cum

Word Count: 21,103K

A/N: So explanation about this chapter: It has some cultural references that maybe not everyone will get but I can explain them if anyone wants to send me a question about it. If you haven’t figured it out (or even just made a generalization) Eri is afro-carribean (the exact island is left vague on purpose, but it would be in the latinx part of the cluster). There’s also spanish in the chapter and tbh use google translate and if you still have problems again just message me.

Messy Masterlist   Buy me a Ko-Fi    Other Stories

The Boys Group Chat

Taeyong: 5

Lucas: what???

Ten: 5 what?

Taeyong: my score with Eri is at 5.

Lucas: HOLY FUCK

Taeil: OHHH HOW THE TABLES HAVE TURNED.

Ten: how?? When??? What???!

Taeyong: last night. Shower. Against the wall. In the bed twice. And our usual against the door.

Lucas: how tf did u manage that??

Lucas: i thought you hated her

Taeyong: i never hated her. It was just the drama and shit

Taeyong: like at the party i just didn’t want a fight to break out. i didn’t want the cops called or anything

Taeyong: so like i kicked her out but it was just because i knew she would have thrown the first punch

Lucas: well you aren’t really wrong

Lucas: i don’t blame you for not wanting the cops to show up

Taeyong: i had under 21 friends there. I didn’t want them to get in trouble

Ten: how did you even manage to get her to fuck you???

Taeyong: she called me actually. She was drunk af but sobered up before she got here

Ten: i cannot believe

Ten: i haven’t even been able to get with her AT ALL lately

Johnny: wtf is going on

Taeil: oooooooffff this is….

Ten: the tea brews itself

Johnny: Taeyong what did you say

Taeyong: i fucked your girl. She came to me instead of coming to you

Yuta: dude this is…

Johnny: don’t go near her again

Johnny: i mean it

Taeyong: dude i’m not scared of you

Taeyong: yall arent even official

Johnny: i don’t care

Johnny: dont touch her

Yuta: johnny quit it

Yuta: you can’t hog her to yourself

Yuta: just like jae can’t hog quinn

Ten: just admit ur jealous and move on.

Johnny: im not jealous

Johnny: you just dont deserve her after the stunt you pulled at the party

Taeyong: clearly i do because shes been thinking about fucking me for a long time

Taeyong: maybe even while shes been fucking you.

(Johnny has left the chat)

Ten: fuck

Yuta: this is getting fucking ridiculous

Yuta: i mean she texted me like when she was with him i think

Yuta: like she didnt care that she was with him and was being cute with me

Lucas: she flirts with everyone

Lucas: do you think she does actually wanna be with him?

Taeyong: who cares

Taeyong: fact of the matter is shes up for grabs

Taeyong: and if I wanna go after her i will

Yuta: WHOA WHOA

Yuta: you mean try and date her?

Ten: taeyong thats not a good idea

Taeyong: i never said id date her

Taeyong: but if shit happens, shit happens

Taeyong: thats all im saying

–

It was strange waking up in bed next to Taeyong. We had never done that before especially since the last time we were together we had to leave the office quickly. He looked strangely innocent when he slept, his shaggy hair ruffled and sticking up in random places and lips slightly pouted. I watched his chest rise and fall with each soft breath for a moment while I tried to keep my head from spinning. This…might have been a bad idea. I was in my feelings for Johnny and I knew that I only hooked up with Taeyong as a sort of rebound/revenge plot. I didn’t want to tell him that but I was sure we were still platonic enough that it didn’t matter. Taeyong wouldn’t make things weird or messy. This would just be a one time thing…or a five time thing. We may have gotten a bit carried away. He was tentative in the shower, making sure that I was still sober enough to be okay. He washed me, helped me wash my hair, and let the heated water run over me to warm me up. And when he slid down to wash my legs his lips met between my thighs and I couldn’t help but give in to his tongue.

He was no Taeil but he knew enough to make me try and steady myself against the slippery tile and grip onto his hair tightly. It was relaxing to finally get off by being eaten out, to just sit back and let him do all the work. It was definitely something I missed. After the shower, we dried off and he put me into some of his pjs (which were tight as all hell on me) and we relaxed in his bed. I got some more water in me and slowly weaned off the rest of the alcohol. Somewhere in the middle of trying to sleep we got lost in each other’s lips which somehow lead to him keeping me against his bedroom wall and fucking me as deep as he could go. Mid morning came and we didn’t want to get up. So of course the next option was to 69 then fuck me into the mattress. Just when I thought I would finally be able to leave he wouldn’t stop kissing me as I got to his bedroom door and we had a proper deja vu moment of last semester.

By the time I actually got home it was late at night and I was sore as all hell. I left him covered in hickies, scratches, and bite marks- my typical calling card- and he left me wanting to sleep for days. I collapsed on my bed unmoving for hours on end and barely making it to class the next day. Johnny was there of course and I tried my best to avoid him like the plague. That was always the hardest part. When we were on our highs, being next to each other radiated chemistry and we would rather pass the time sexting than paying attention. When we were on our lows, everything was ice cold and I detested even being within his vicinity. He still wouldn’t open up to me or even let me tell him that it was okay to cry. He didn’t need to worry about that with me. Of course he wouldn’t listen and we were stuck in a frozen tundra that didn’t let us move one way or the other. I tried my best to instead focus on studying for once. My grades were alright but they could definitely be better and I didn’t want to have to waste more money repeating classes. I spent my nights hitting the books and hoping I could retain enough information to pass. I was holed up in my room as usual when I heard knocking on the front door and i wondered if maybe Quinn forgot their keys. It seemed a little early for them to come home from being with Jae. I set my textbook down onto my desk and padded towards the living room. When I opened the door I hated what I saw.

His eyes were bright red and he reeked of menthol and weed. He leaned against the door frame, a big grin on his face that happiness didn’t seem to be the cause of. “What are you doing here?” I whispered in disbelief.

“What am i doing here?” He licked his lips and chuckled. “What are you doing fucking Taeyong?”

My eyes went wide. “Did he…did he tell you?”

“He told everyone in our chat. 5 times, huh? That a record or something?”

I backed away from him hating how he was acting and being hurt that what I did was blasted over some group chat. I couldn’t believe Taeyong would do something like that. I had stated plenty of times who i had hooked up with but it was on my terms, with my permission, not like gossiping around a watering hole. “You need to leave.” I swallowed hard and didn’t look at him. My voice was too unsteady for that.

I heard the door snap shut and looked up to find him looming over me. “Not a chance. Not until I make you forget all about that stupid bastard.”

He grabbed onto my sweater and pulled me towards him, easily overpowering me to crash his lips against mine. I clawed at his coat, digging into the soft fabric as I tried forcing myself away. I slammed the side of my fist into his chest and pushed him back. “NO! You don’t get to do this! You don’t get to come back into my life whenever you decide to! I’m not something to have at your convenience and I sure as hell don’t need you to keep leading me on.”

“Leading you on? Where am I leading you too?” His hands still had a hold of my neck and shoulders which I could not shake.

I could feel the tears already trying to come forth but i grounded myself, dug deep within me to stop them. “Leading me to you. I always get led back to you.”

“You don’t want to get led back to me.” He laughed. “I’m fuckin’ useless!”

I grabbed at his hands, wanting them off me. “Stop that! I’m not your fucking therapy and my purpose is not to fix you.”

“I don’t want to be fixed! I want to be fucked!”

“And that’s another layer to your goddamn problem, Johnny! Life isn’t all about diving into sex to make yourself forget! You need to reevaluate what’s going on in your life before you put your hands on someone else’s.”

“I don’t want you to have Taeyong on you.” He kissed me, gentler this time. “Or Lucas.” Another kiss. “Or Taeil.” A small lick. “Or Yuta.” He sucked on my bottom lip for a second before kissing me again. “Or anyone else.”

“You cant have me all to yourself. That isn’t how this works. You don’t want me, you only want what you see on the surface. You don’t give a shit about what’s beneath and you definitely don’t want to see it.”

He released me from his grasp and scoffed. “The surface? I’ve let you dig inside my brain more than anyone else in my life. You’re stuck inside there now, you can’t move. You know how sick i’ve felt, how weak i am, how less of a man i am-”

“Save that bullshit, Johnny! It’s not true! I told you it was okay to cry! It doesn’t mean you’re less of a man! It just means you’re a normal human being. Men can cry. Men can show emotion and they should. I just wanted to help…to be there for you.”

“You’re wrong. I’ve always had to be the man. There wasn’t any room for me to cry!” He screamed. “You want to talk about not wanting what’s beneath the surface? You’re already there, Eri. You’ve seen everything I could possibly hate to show anyone.”

“And yet you’re coming to me just so you can be buried inside something for an hour or two. That’s what it’s actually like to feel useless and discarded. I know you don’t fucking care and you never will.”

“This is starting to get messy…it’s a clusterfuck and it keeps growing.”

“You just keep fueling the fire.” I said. “I’m not going back. I can’t. My heart can’t take it. I hate seeing you like this. I hate hearing you like this and I want to help. I really do. But i can only take so much before you start swallowing me whole.”

He grabbed me again, pressing me against the door and trapping me between it and his body. “This is how you help.” His breath was heavy against my neck, tickling the sensitive skin there. I shuddered and failed to squirm away from him. “I know you’re not going to fix me. I can do that on my own, eventually, but right here, right now this is what I want.”

“Well i don’t.” The tears fell and i slammed my fist back against the door, pissed entirely that it was happening again. I shouldn’t be crying over him anymore. “I don’t want to be what you push inside of. You don’t want to know what’s really going on with me. You’d run away from me as much as I want to run from you.”

“You think i’d be scared of what you’ve done? What you’ve been through? Its nothing, Eri.” He grabbed my chin and and jerked my head to the side so he could growl in my ear. “I want you. Raw. Dirty.”

“You want me black out drunk? You want me with a broken hand through drywall? You want me bleeding out in a tub with a knife in my hand? You want me laying on the floor unable to breathe and falling in and out of consciousness? You want me running away from the one good thing i’ve ever had in my life?” My voice trembled again. “You want me hiding who i really am from my family? You want me watching myself be the cause of people’s hurt? Because that’s what’s really raw and dirty. Or do you just want to fuck as always?”

He hoisted me onto his waist suddenly, crushing me now to the point where i could barely breathe. I wrapped my legs around his as he shoved his forehead against mine. “Give me it. Give me all of it, Eri.”

I tried not to kiss him, i really did, but my heart shoved me towards it. My tongue slid out to creep into his mouth which he warmly accepted. It was angry, heated, rushed, and broken- like the entirety of our relationship. I was clutching onto him desperately as if I was trying to shock my system back into loathing him. It didn’t matter if I made drunken mistakes or if he made drugged out ones, every time, we somehow found a way back to each other as if we were tied with a string of fate. “Why?” I whispered when I finally caught my breath. “Why don’t you talk to me? For weeks at a time…it hurts…”

“Because i hate the way I feel about you.” He panted.

I licked my lips and hovered them over his. “How do you feel about me?”

He shook his head. “I…don’t worry about it. I’m faded as fuck right now. It won’t matter what I say.”

“Clearly it fucking does.”

“It’s only gonna get more fucked up between us.”

“It already is fucked up! Were fucked up! This whole shit is fucked up! We were supposed to hook up at the summer party and that’s it!!”

“Yeah and here you are fucking Taeyong and Yuta and whoever else you’d let inside you.”

I slapped him. The first time i’d ever wanted to hit him at all. I would’ve never laid a hand on him especially after all he had been through- i never wanted to be that person. Ever. But he crossed a fucking line and that small dangerous part of my brain was a ticking time bomb. He dropped me then and I fell right on my ass. I scrambled to get up as he stood there motionless.

“Dont…dont ever do that.” He whispered harshly.

“I didn’t want to! But don’t you ever come for who I sleep with! You don’t get to do that! You don’t get to be a hypocrite because you’re fucking jealous! What are you even jealous for? I’m not your girlfriend!”

“AND YOU NEVER WILL BE!”

I felt a stab of pain through my chest that hurt worse than anything I had ever felt before. Was this…was this what Jungwoo felt? Had karma finally come to get me and pay me back for what I did to him all those years ago? It felt like I couldn’t breathe but I could definitely feel the tears flowing down my cheeks like a river. His eyes went wide and he took a step towards me. I took one back before sprinting to my room. I slammed the door shut, pressing myself against it and sliding to the floor.

He pounded his fists against it, begging me to open it. I was afraid he was going to break through the wood with how hard he was rattling the door. I pulled my knees to my chest and buried my face in my thighs, staining my pajamas pants with tears.

“I-im sorry, ok?”

No you’re not.

“I didn’t mean for it to be like this.”

Well it is now, so fuck you.

“I don’t know what I really want, Eri.”

I guess…i don’t really know either. Should you even be my boyfriend at this point? What would I do once I had you? Would my fear of love go away? Or would you make it worse?

“I like when we spend time together. You’re cool as fuck but we…we cant be like that. You know that right? I don’t get with people and stay with them. We can only fuck…”

I hate you. Go away. Leave me alone.

“I guess i’m broken or whatever you want to call it but i’m not a charity case. I don’t want you to pity me or feel like you have to take care of me. Like you said, it’s not your job. But for right now…this is how I handle stuff, just like how you handle stuff your way, you know?”

By being a drunk partied out mess, i know. Hungry for attention, starving for someone to care for them, and completely barren of love but wanting to fill that void somehow.

“I’m not fine. I haven’t been fine for a long time. My anxiety never used to be this bad. I never even used to have night terrors or panic attacks. It just got worse after…after the first time i got…you know, what I told you about before. Then college happened and it was so much pressure and I wanted to make my mom proud and happy and take care of her because my dad never did. You know even when i felt so fucking empty around Rixi, i didn’t sleep for 2 whole days because I was studying my ass off for midterms just to keep my straight A’s?” He let out a soft chuckle. “I have a 4.0, hookup with dozens of girls, work three jobs, go to the gym, and try and do my art. When i say that i run on energy drinks and coffee i’m not kidding.”

That’s adding to your anxiety, stupid. And so is the weed. And your inability to FUCKING communicate. Why do you have to be such a stupid dumb….MAN all the time?!

“I know that doesn’t matter to you-”

It does because I know you’re hardworking and care about what you do. You’re a passionate soul and i love that about you. You’re so dedicated.

“But i dont know…i guess I wanted to tell you anyway. I’m not making excuses. I know what I do is my own damn fault but i just wanted you to know.”

I shifted slightly and reached up for the door handle, scooting away to pull it open slightly. I peeked my head through the gap and he looked at me, eyes a bit puffy as if he had been crying too. He wiped his nose and made it seem like he was put together in his typical Johnny fashion. I still didn’t say anything but he crept his hand closer to me and extended his pinky. I looked at it for a few seconds before locking mine around it. He was quiet for a bit, the tension remaining thick and heavy. The quietness was only interrupted by a few sniffles from the both of us. I wiped away at my tears, wanting to remind myself that this was proof. This was what always happened. Either i ended up drunk or ended up crying when it came to him. Or both for that matter.

I truly felt like i should continue to make myself suffer with him. One look of those soft brown eyes and honey-sweet lips would draw me in and his soothing voice would whisper caring thoughts and expressions. I saw the blushes he had when he talked to me, the way he seemed embarrassed or nervous, but there were always underlying signs that proved he didn’t like me. Most blatantly when he said-no, yelled- that i would never be his girlfriend. Logic told me to run. When had i ever put a man before me or anyone for that matter? Masochism told me that I enjoyed the pain of being rejected over and over again and that it was a game. Lust told me that i loved when he got jealous and growled in my ear. I wanted him to tell me that I was his as he fucked me so deep and hard that I couldn’t move. Greed told me that I wanted him all to myself. I wanted all the attention, all the love, all of him. The good, the bad, and the ugly. And rationality? That bitch was nowhere to be found.

“What saved you…when you tried to um…kill yourself?”

My head snapped up at the question. It hadn’t been posed to me since I met Quinn three years ago. It was something that I blocked from my brain and never reopened. But this was a test, to see if he could really handle what was fucking wrong with me. I squeezed his pinky tighter and finally croaked. “Daniella. She’s uh…she’s my little sister. I traumatized a 10 year old by bleeding out in a bathtub and she called the police and my mom. She tried to stop the bleeding. She cried but she kept pushing through. She was….so mature in that moment. More than I had ever been. She wanted to be there when they admitted me. My mom didn’t believe what was going on- more so in a sense that she didn’t want to believe that her kid was sick. Just like she didn’t want to believe I was gay at first. Eventually, she saw past it. She saw how much I needed her and how much we didn’t want to lose each other. But yeah…that was…it was Dani.”

“You know, her Quinceanera is in a week and I can’t believe she’s already 15. It’s weird how time flies…how I can’t exactly remember it all.” I continued.

“Are you going? To the party i mean.” He asked.

I nodded. “I have to. I’m like in the…so it’s basically almost like a bridal party. It’s real weird. But they pair us up and we walk down an aisle and Dani will come out with her big poofy dress and everyone will look at her and sing ’Las Mañanitas’ blah blah blah. It’s a precursor wedding and weird tradition I hated. So i never had one. And now, mom gets to put all her spite of her not having one and me not having one into an over the top expensive party for Dani, but you know…don’t help me with my student loans or anything.”

“Oh…sounds like a…journey.” I let out a small laugh and he crept closer towards the gap. I opened the door a little bit more. “It was my mom for me.”

“What?” I whispered.

“I was ready to jump off my school building after I got with her. I would see her everywhere on my social media and around town. I had to hide everything about how she made me feel and I felt like I just couldn’t deal with it anymore. I sat on the ledge for a long time, thinking about it and staring at the ground. Just as I decided I was going to jump, I got a text from my mom. It said ‘hi honey, hope you have a great day at school! I love you a lot.’” He rubbed at his eyes and looked away from me. “I still have it saved on my phone- transferred over each time I got a different one. I look at it sometimes when i feel like utter shit. Then I call her.” He sighed deeply and I pulled him closer to me, the door falling open wider. “Have I ever told you thank you?”

“W-what?” I asked, stunned.

“Thank you. For being there for me. When shit hit the fan basically. You and Jae pretty much helped me through a lot. Is that like…a part of working through this? Admitting when you’ve been helped?”

I nodded. “It’s a start…”

He got even closer and kissed me, our pinkies tightening and lips slow and steady. My will was wavering and I was kicking myself again. It never failed. I pulled away and turned my head away from his. He sighed and kissed my cheek. “I’m sorry.”

“Sorry doesn’t make up for a lot of things, Johnny.”

“I know, princess. I know.”

“No, you don’t get to say that word to me anymore. That part is done. It’s only for people who know how to communicate.”

“Ok…” he said simply.

I let go of his hand and moved away from the door. He came through fully, sitting beside me now and set his arm around my waist. He kissed my temple then rested his chin on my shoulder. We stood quiet for a moment, trying to process everything. Nothing had gotten better at all. Everything was more confusing and more painful. I didn’t feel good and I didn’t want him here but at the same time I did. I looked over at his sad eyes, knowing he was truly sorry but still cementing the fact that I would never be his. Hurting was all I was good for and I accepted the karmic punishment.

I grabbed onto his shoulders and his eyes drew themselves to me. I laid nothing but whispers against his lips drawing him in to press himself against me and steal my breath away in a kiss. Gradually, our clothes began disappearing until we were naked in my bed, hands between each others thighs, stroking and thrusting until we were dirty with each other’s release. He didn’t let me go instead opting to grab my hips and keep me flush against me. “I want me on you. Not any of those assholes.”

“I’m not yours…”

“Tonight you are.” He dug his blunt nails into my hips and sunk his teeth into the base of my neck. It hurt with how hard he was biting down but I knew what he was doing; marking me so that whoever i was with next could see the deep bruise he was trying to leave behind. I clawed at his shoulders, whimpering pathetically and about to beg him to stop but he pulled away, pressing softer kisses to the deep marks instead. I shoved his head away seeing the playful smirk he had on his face.

“Ass…”

“You want a bite mark on your ass too?” he asked coyly.

I rolled my eyes and commanded him to get a towel to clean up the mess he made on my stomach. He gave me another kiss before scooting off the bed and heading towards my door. For a moment I thought I imagined it and had to blink twice but i saw him licking his fingers- the same ones that were inside me just a minute ago. He had never done that. Usually he’d wipe them on my sheets or something. I laid back and closed my eyes, tossing away any ideas of what that meant. I felt him on the bed again, gently wiping away his cum off my skin before laying himself between my thighs, his head on my chest. That also surprised me and i wished I knew what the fuck was going on in his head. Was it from all the weed? I didn’t really know how much he smoked before he got here. It could’ve been what helped set off his emotions and express his jealousy about Taeyong.

I wanted to pry at his stupid decisions and actions some more but I was slowly running out of energy to deal with arguing, anxiety, and my mood swings in such a short amount of time. I decided to lay in my self hatred with Johnny on top of me, our breaths flowing together into an easier rhythm. I closed my eyes and set my hand on his head. “Pet my hair.” He grumbled.

“You think that a half fuck is going to solve this?” I said, ignoring his request.

“No. We’re doing what we do best, hurting each other.”

“But why does it have to be like this?”

“Because it’s just who we are, Eri. It’s what we do. It’s how we function together. You want to call it off?”

“Call what off?”

“Being fuck buddies.” Yes was what I should have said. Instead, I shook my head and kept my eyes away from him. “Good…Because I don’t want to stop fucking you.”

“I don’t either…” I said softly. I ran my fingers through his hair now, pushing it back and feeling his sides that were grown out. "Remember when you asked me to feel alive?”

He nodded.

“Do that for me. Maybe me feel like I don’t fucking hate you for what you’ve done. Like i don’t want you more than I need to.”

He stilled against me and didn’t say anything. I could feel him looking at me and when I finally had the courage to meet his eyes I saw that he seemed to be hurt by my confession. Eventually, he mumbled a response. “I don’t want you to hate me.”

"Mostly i hate myself.” I hate myself for loving you.

“Dont, baby…” He turned my face towards his to continue our kiss. “You don’t need to hate yourself.”

“Just shut up, Johnny. Fuck me already.”

“Fine.” He growled and gave quick bites over my breast making me arch against him. I hissed slowly, gripping onto his shoulders and digging my nails into his skin. He morphed his bites into kisses, working to gather my nipple in his mouth to suck slowly but hungrily. Eventually, his kisses got even lower as he discarded my breasts in favor of moving down to the softness of my stomach. A little nibble beneath my rib cage jerked my body towards his mouth, edging my hips into eager swivels. I parted my lips to let out a sweet sigh and a small plead for him to keep going. His tongue dipped into my belly button, making me squirm against the wet heat. I inched my hands back to his hair to return him to my lips and stop his teasing but he had other plans. His hands suddenly came crashing down on my wrists, pinning them to the bed and practically crushing them. I winced at the pain and asked him to ease up but he only snapped at me.

“Shut up and don’t touch me, got it?”

“W-what are you doing?” I asked, nervously.

“Shut. Up.”

I squeezed my eyes shut tight, swallowing hard and full of worry more than sensuality. I tried taking deep breaths but I felt like I was getting more nervous. Johnny was quiet as ever but I could feel his breath tickling against my sensitivity. I licked the dryness from my lips and just as I was about to try and pull away from his hands I felt it. It was small and gentle, just the tip of his tongue working over my clit. My entire body tensed and I remained frozen in place. I feared scaring him, or worse, triggering him. We retreated into minutes of silence that made my heart race with worry. “J-Johnny? A-are you-?”

There were butterfly kisses to my clit before his tongue reached out once again. It covered the entirety of my lower lips, pressing a slick heat over me and gathering the cum left behind from his fingering to trail it back to my clit. He trapped the bit of nerves between his lips, suckling lightly. I knew he was being cautious due to nervousness and unease but it was also amazingly tender and sweet. I dug my teeth into my bottom lip and let out a moan hoping that he would take it as praise and a sign to continue. There was another long pause and my fingers curled in anticipation for more but there was nothing. I opened my eyes and looked down at him.

He was stationary, his eyes glancing over my center and lips trembling. The grip on my wrists got tighter, too tight for even my own liking. “Johnny…you need to let me go.” I said softly.

“No. I-i cant…”

“You can stop now, it’s ok but you’re hurting me. Come up here. Come kiss me, baby.” He looked defeated but saw the pain in my face and finally let my wrists go. I didn’t immediately shake out the numbing feeling and instead waited for him to crawl back up my torso. I held onto him as tight as I could, covering his lips, cheeks, neck in excited pecks. He did it. With me. It wasn’t complete or full or satisfying by any means but it meant so much. “You did so good, baby boy. So, so good.” I cooed.

He hid in my neck and whispered, “I’m sorry.”

I shook my head quickly. “Don’t be. It was good. A great start, ok?”

“I wanted to try…a little at least so you don’t feel like i did when we fucked in the bathroom at the party. You shouldn’t want to feel alive with me because you’re numb. I don’t want that at all.”

“I just wanna feel good is all…” I held onto him tighter. “I don’t want to feel like i’m going to be thrown away.”

“I-i wont…” He swiftly slipped out of the bed and returned with a condom on. He whispered as he pulled my legs around him, pressing himself at my entrance. “I wont…”

“But you can’t promise that.” I swallowed hard and felt him sink into me inch by inch. The rest of my thoughts were voided by the methodical pace of him stretching me open. He ignored what I had said and instead focused on kissing everywhere he could reach as he thrusted slowly. My hands traced the length of his spine, resting in the center of his back and keeping him close. Inside my head I pleaded for him to not go slow, to not be intimate and stir up more dreadful feelings inside the pit of my stomach. Please just fuck me so I can be reminded of how shitty you are. Don’t remind me of how cute and caring you can be. I’m begging you Johnny.

I knew he couldn’t hear me so of course he didn’t stop rolling his hips to have his cock hit every space within me. He was panting softly, gentle moans mixing in every once in awhile. They sounded so precious and I couldn’t help but bury myself in his lips again. His hand pulled mine away from his back just so our fingers could intertwine. Nonono, stop that. For the love of god don’t do this to me.

He squeezed my hand tight and I felt my tears resurface. This is what scared me the most. Not him leaving or him ignoring me or throwing me away. This Johnny, the human, sentimental, emotional man that could have me fall into his arms (and bed) at the snap of his fingers. I was helpless against him and I just craved more and more torture. He kissed away my tears and nudged our foreheads together. “Hey…it’s okay.” He breathed.

It is not okay. It will never be ok. But he took care of me, stilling every so often to regain his composure as i could feel him throbbing and ready for another release. Worst of all was that I wanted him too. I wanted him to feel good, another hurtful self sacrifice because I cared so much about him. I gave him a soft plea to cum for me, which he took instantly. His free hand slipped between us, his thumb pressing small acts of pleasure into my clit as his other hand never left mine. He only squeezed my fingers tighter while my walls squeezed him the same way. Just at the very end his hips made quicker snaps, hitting the back of my thighs and making my back arch from the mattress. And in one fell breath i felt my stomach heat up and the most comforting sensation flowing within me.

My cheeks flushed as I had never felt anything like it before and wondered what the hell did he do differently. Maybe it was because i was so damn love drunk that it made everything seem better when i was with him. It wasn’t until he jerked out of me so harshly that I snapped my thighs shut. “O-ow! Johnny, what the-”

“The condom broke.” He trembled.

“Excuse me?” I couldn’t believe what I had heard.

“Eri. The fucking condom broke.”

I looked down and could see his cum flowing out of me and staining the bed sheets, while the rubber had a slight tear across the tip. Our eyes met and panic slammed into me at full speed. “O-oh my fucking god. Oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god.”

“You’re on birth control right?” His voice was an octave or two higher.

“Well no shit! But it doesn’t magically mean it’s 100% full proof! People still get pregnant while on birth control.”

“I’M FULLY AWARE OF THAT ERI.”

“DON’T YELL AT ME.”

“I’M SORRY I JUST…” I noticed him staring at me which made me more uncomfortable.

“What? What else is wrong?” He shrugged but continued to stare. “Johnny. What is it?!”

“Nothing! It’s just…i mean-”

“Oh, you asshole!!” I flung my pillow straight at his face. “I’m literally fucking panicking and you think cumming inside me is hot!!”

“I’M SORRY!!! I’ve never done it before and it just…looks good, ok?!”

“You are the absolute worse and I CANNOT stand you!” I covered my face that was getting heated up by the second. How could he think about that while I was panicking? How could I think it felt good and perfect when i absolutely loathed cum (and was panicking)? We truly were fucking stupid.

“Hey, we’ll be ok. I know we will.” He said softly, reaching for my hand which i pulled away.

“Easy for you to say. You have the easy way out in case that happens.” I grumbled.

He kissed my forehead and laid beside me. “No I don’t, because I wouldn’t leave.”

I turned away from him, shoving my face into the mattress as I felt his cum sticky between my thighs. “Yeah right…”

“I’m serious….i’m not gonna be like my dad.”

“Alright well, we’re gonna stop talking about this. I’m gonna shower and you can go home so I can die in peace.”

“Don’t be so dramatic. You’re not gonna die. It’s just cum.”

“I’m gay! All I am is dramatic!” I huffed as I felt all flustered now and wanted to get away from him. I stood up and cringed at the feeling of it sliding down my leg now. I awkwardly shuffled to pick up my already cum covered towel just to keep me decent enough to get to the bathroom.

“Can you stop saying that? Because i’m like…not a girl.”

I looked back at him. “Well no fucking shit, Johnny. It’s just a blanket term because you wouldn’t understand everything I identify as. Just roll with it. I don’t have time to explain.”

I grabbed my phone and went to the bathroom, locking the door tight. I tossed off my towel and turned on the water, sitting in the tub under the spray so i could suffer in silence. Eventually i ended up plugging the drain so i could sit in hot water for a bit and try and calm my nerves. I tried calling Quinn but didn’t get an answer, even texted them and still got nothing. They were still probably up Jaehyun’s ass or Taeil or someone else. I don’t know. I dialed again and waited patiently.

“Hello?”

“Doyoung, I need you please.”

“Be right there.”

He hung up as that was all he needed to know that something was wrong. I washed up, making sure to get as much of the cum out of me as possible, then rinsed and dried off. As i opened the bathroom door, Johnny was standing in the doorway, hand raised as he was going to knock. I glared at the lit blunt between his lips.

“’M leavin’.”

“Good. Bye. I have someone else coming over.”

He scoffed. “Wow. Okay. Fuck you too.” He turned away from me and headed towards my front door slamming it harshly behind him.

He made me so fucking irritated with his hot and cold bullshit. I trudged to my room and tossed my towel in the hamper, picking up my discarded pajamas and putting them back on. Around 15 or so minutes later Doyoung was in my room with an absolute cringey look on his face. “Look, i’m sorry but i needed someone to tell. You and Quinn are my closest friends and they’re not here. Please Doyoung…i know it’s gross.”

“You liked it…” he whispered.

“Please don’t remind me. I hate myself completely.”

“Why do you keep doing this, Eri? You are literally worth more than that.”

“I don’t know! I wish I knew. I wish I could just leave him but I can’t. Every time I’m mad, he shows me that side of him that I absolutely love.”

“That’s emotional manipulation.”

“It is not!” I protested. “Well…uh…maybe it is? But I don’t think he would be doing it intentionally? Why would he? He can get with anyone. He has gotten with a lot of people. I don’t think I would be any different. After all he blatantly said i’d never be his girlfriend.”

“And how did you feel about that?”

“I cried. Instantly. It hurt so fucking bad.”

“So we’ve come to the conclusion that a) he’s a fuckboy, b) he doesn’t want to be with you, c) he’s emotionally manipulative, and d) he couldn’t care less about what transpired tonight.” Doyoung gave me a shady look which made me shrink away like a scolded puppy.

“Well technically he said he would be there for me and then I kicked him out so…”

“And now you’re sticking up for him?”

“I’m not! I’m just stating facts. Doyoung, i know you’re totally and completely right. But i just…it feels weird. It feels different somehow.”

“I’m kind of sick of giving you advice and you ignoring it. It makes it seem like you don’t even care what I say.”

“No i do!” I grabbed onto his arm, sadly. “I do! i swear! I’m just a fucking idiot. I like to fuck up everything and keep myself down.”

“Why can’t you see that there are better people for you? Even ones that are right in front of you?”

I rested my head on his shoulder and set my hand in his, squeezing tight. “Doyoung, how can I…how can I stop when i love him?”

“It’s not easy to stop loving someone but…no offense- well a little offense because this is going to be hard to hear- you stopped loving Jungwoo because he loved you too much, you can stop loving Johnny because you love him too much too. You can run away and leave without giving him any explanation.”

I pulled away from Doyoung completely.

“I’m sorry for saying that and hurting you, but maybe it’s the kind of shit you need to snap out of it.” He pressed a kiss to my forehead. “And if you’re so worried about what might happen I can go to the pharmacy for you.”

“I-i just need time to think…” i said quietly.

“Well, you’ve got three days until it’s ineffective-or less effective or whatever. You can let me know ok?”

I nodded and felt him crush me to his chest. I held onto him for a long time, happy to feel a friends pure love rather than the tainted mess from my heart.

–

Johnny’s POV

“FUCKING SHIT!” I threw the beer bottle I just finished against my wall, watching it shatter into pieces. What the actual fuck just happened between Eri and I? Tonight was fucked up- no, beyond fucked up to the point where I just ended up more confused and angry then I was before. I paced back and forth across my room while thoughts zoomed in my brain. I tried to break everything down and figure out what i could so I could attempt to get my mind straight.

I was pissed off at Taeyong. He was such a smug little fuck about hooking up with Eri, blasting it all over the chat. And why were they counting how many times they hooked up with her like it was some sort of game? I didn’t want him anywhere near Eri. She was mi-. I stopped pacing for a moment. She wasn’t mine. She is not yours Johnny. She is NOT yours.

My pacing resumed. He didn’t deserve to touch her. And neither did those other assholes. I wanted her to myself. She’s mi-. As i grew close to the door i slammed my head against it, not too hard but enough to try and get it through my skull that Eri was not mine.

I had told her she would never be my girlfriend because I was angry. I knew it hurt her the second it came out of my mouth and I wished I could’ve taken it back. Our conversation was so back and forth she probably thought I was crazy. One minute I was mad, the other I wanted to be with her, comfort her, be inside her and make her feel good. I didn’t want her to feel like shit because of me but I was failing horribly.

What even possessed me to touch her like that? So slow and gentle? It felt like I was having an out of body experience and I watched who I wanted to be for her come out and take over. It was what I wanted to give her for the longest time. Something more stable to hold onto rather than whatever the fuck I was now. But that didn’t go over so well for my feelings. I was faded and more emotional than ever, a bad combination. I wanted to tell her what I felt for her but i don’t even think i’m too sure myself. Feelings were there but what kind? Did I have a crush? I liked her? Wanted to keep being fuck buddies? Did I love her? My body shuddered at the thought. I had never been in love before so how could I know?

I’ve always wanted to be in love and have someone to care about. I knew familiar love and friendship love but not romantic love. I wanted to take my girlfriend to the beach, to Korea, to visit countries across the globe. Take pictures of us for vacation scrapbooks and eat everything we could ever dream of. Go hiking with her and hold her hand so she wouldn’t trip on a branch and hurt herself. Laugh when we thought of a memory we had together or hold her as she cried. But i was also scared shitless of all of that. Could I even be that good of a person to her? I didn’t want to end up being a carbon copy of my dad. Why would I want to be the cause of my love’s suffering and leave them behind with a kid I didn’t care about?

Fuck.

The stupid condom.

I tossed myself onto my bed and groaned. I was scared of that too. I’m only 23 and work at a fucking coffee shop, what the hell was I gonna do with a kid? I’m sure we were gonna be okay but…it still made me a little queasy. Except for the fact that I thought cumming inside her was fucking hot. I was a complete jackass for thinking about it at a time like that but I couldn’t help it. Like me: worried to all hell and back about the condom breaking, also me: holy hell I want to do it again. I facepalmed myself and let out another frustrated groan. I was ready to just throw myself out a window rather than face my embarrassment and mistakes. Now Taeyong was probably going to be up her ass and I swear to god if he got with her I was personally going to go to his apartment and kick his ass.

I sat up and started taking off my clothes, figuring I could just sleep all this shit away and ignore it. I flung everything to a corner of my room and reached over to shut off my desk lamp. I noticed my little keychain that I had got at the bookstore resting on the desk. I picked it up and shut off the light before snuggling deep under the blankets. I kept the keychain close to me thinking of nothing but Eri as I went to sleep.

A week had passed since that weird half fight/half fuck between us and I was starting to get a taste of my own medicine. I hated not hearing from her and I found myself constantly checking my phone to see if by chance I missed anything. She hadn’t even posted on any of her social media that I followed her on. Whenever I would hang out with the guys at lunch none of them talked about her, not even Lucas. I had no idea what was going on. I tried to keep myself busy with school work but found myself thinking of her more than I needed too. Sometimes those thoughts implanted little sinister buds of sinfully delicious fantasies and in the midst of being hurt and confused about where we stood I was jacking off to thoughts of her more than I needed too. It was multiple times a day, whenever I was at home and it was starting to get on my nerves. I shouldn’t have been thinking about her like that when I was the cause of most of this mess but it couldn’t be helped. I was a stupid slut and would rather focus on that then the pain I caused her. I was in the middle of rutting against my hand and mattress only a few seconds away from cumming when my phone beside my pillow lit up. The brightness in the darkness of my room distracted me and I look at the screen, ready to ignore the notification until I saw who it was from. I wiped my hand on my sheets and snatched my phone up, unlocking it and going to the message.

🦇BatOuttaHell🦇: hey

I typed in my simple response quickly.

Hey

🦇BatOuttaHell🦇: come over

Fuck…did she actually want to hook up?

What for babe?

🦇BatOuttaHell🦇:  we need to talk.

🦇BatOuttaHell🦇: asap

Talk about what?

🦇BatOuttaHell🦇: come over and i’ll tell u dumbass

🦇BatOuttaHell🦇: I mean it

Give me like 15 mins. Im busy

🦇BatOuttaHell🦇: fine but dont keep me waiting.

I bit my lip and set my phone aside. It made me nervous to think about what she wanted to talk with me about. A small part of me was hoping that I could still get laid and have amazing makeup sex. But first…

–

Eri’s POV

I hated that I had to do this. With every fiber in my entire being. It was definitely up there with one of the worst decisions I would have to make. I didn’t want to talk to him or even make him think that I had forgiven him. I had purposefully ignored him like he had done to me so many times before. Even when he sent me the occasional text I left him on read. It felt good to have that power but I had to cut my reign of terror short when I realized that my problem needed a solution and fast. Time was running out and I exhausted all my resources. I knew I was going to regret this but it had to be done. My stomach was in knots as I waited for him. 15 minutes was a lie, it was over a half hour before he showed up at my place. His hair was damp and he smelled of fresh cologne and soap. I stared at him quizzically when I opened the door. He smiled at me, looking like he was happy to see me while I was mortified to see him. He wasn’t wearing anything fancy either. Just a white crew neck and some skinny jeans and winter coat but he still looked so damn good. Stupid fucker.

“Sooo…” he started, chewing on his bottom lip a little bit. I yanked him into my apartment and dragged him towards my room, slamming the door behind us. “Oh shit, ok.” He grabbed at his shirt, about to take it off when I stopped him.

“No! None of that!” I swatted at his hands. “That’s not what I called you over here for.”

“Oh…” he said, dejected.

I rolled my eyes. “Look, i don’t have any other choice. You were the last person on my list, so don’t like flatter yourself.”

“What is going on? You’re making me suspicious.”

I sighed. “Will you be my boyfriend?” Oh jesus christ no, not what I meant!!

“Excuse me WHAT?!” He screamed.

“AHHH FUCK, I MEANT PRETEND. PREEEETENND. PRETEND TO BE MY BOYFRIEND!!” I tried to correct myself.

“AGAIN, WHAT, AND I CANT STRESS THIS ENOUGH, THE FUCK?!”

“Ugh! Okay okay, back peddling.” I took a deep breath trying not to fuck this up even more than I already had. “Just hear me out ok?”

“You better start talking asap, bro!”

“I need someone to come with me to my sister’s Quinceanera this weekend. I have literally asked every single one of my guy friends and they’re all "conveniently” busy. I seriously need help.“

"Why can’t you take Quinn or something?!”

I sighed. “Johnny, if I show up with a girl as my date my grandparents would disown me and it would make a huge scene at the party and I can’t take that away from Dani. My family has this thing where they obsess over asking me if I have a boyfriend or not. I’m the oldest cousin so according to them I should be married and pregnant by now. My mom tries her best to keep them at bay but if I just show up with someone they will at least be civil for this party. Please. I don’t have anyone else. I wouldn’t be asking you this if it wasn’t a huge deal for me.”

“Well that sounds like a personal problem. Sucks to suck.”

I was shocked that that was actually his response. It was a good effort I guess but I was stuck doing this alone. I hoped to all hell nothing would happen that would ruin this for my little sister. It was completely stupid that my family judged me based on who I loved or wanted to be with, that every question about my life had to revolve around me having a man. It always started with a blanket question, one that seemed innocent enough, but then veered into “when will you get a boyfriend?” territory. Not only that but I still had to be on the down low whenever I was with them. Dani knew and so did my mom who was still working to be supportive but that was it. I knew I couldn’t tell other people in my family. If I went alone I could just suck it up and be miserable the whole time which at this point looked to be my only option. “Sorry to bother you…” I said as i sat down at my desk. I lowered my head onto the top and tried to figure out a way to smooth things over with my family for one night.

“Eri…is this really that serious?”

I raised my head up and looked at him. “Yes. I just want things to go right with this, for her sake. I’m literally the black sheep of the family. I’m darker than everyone, my hair is curlier, i’m queer, i play in a heavy metal band, i’m not ultra feminine, and i’m as far away from traditional as possible.” I tried again to convince him. It was turning out to be more pathetic than I hoped for. “I will promise, like absolutely promise, to be nice and civil with you if you do this for me. Please Johnny?”

“What do I get in return?”

I sighed and rolled my eyes. “Whatever you want. I’m too desperate to fight you on this.”

“Anything I want? You’re serious?” He asked. I could almost see the deviousness going on in his head and instantly regretted it. But I swallowed my pride.

“Anything.”

“Ok. I’ll think about what I want and let you know. I gotta dress up or something?”

“So you’ll do it?” I practically jumped out of my chair.

“Yeah, i’ll do it.”

“Fuck, you stupid bastard! You’re the best!” I threw myself on him, wrapping my arms around his neck in a tight hug. “It’s tomorrow night. We have to drive two hours to get to where I live. It won’t end until late so we can get a motel if we’re too tired to drive back.”

“A motel, huh?”

“Don’t even start, please.” I went to pull away but he set his hand on the small of my back, keeping me close.

“Tell me what you want me to do.” He lowered his head towards mine, getting dangerously close to my lips. I swallowed hard.

“W-well…wear something nice and don’t be an asshole. Um…pretend like I’m the greatest thing to ever grace your life? Hold my hand or something…or hold me in general. Follow all my lies and try to remember them. Be prepared to be grilled by every woman in my family and subject to a bunch of sexist and misogynistic comments from my stupid uncles. They’ll be some kids there running around and loud ass music. Um…you may have to dance with me.”

“Oof…I’m not a great dancer.”

“It’s fine, i don’t dance much either. Oh and don’t get drunk. Oh! And don’t let me get drunk. I think that’s the gist of it. I may think of other stuff on the way there. Is that all ok?”

He cupped my face in his hand while the other held mine. He lowered himself to my lips and kissed me gently, barely teasing my tongue with his own and making my heart feel like it was about to burst. When he pulled away my lips kept following him not wanting to let go. He chuckled softly and looked directly at me. “Mi amor, siento que no puedo vivir sin ti.”

I shoved him away. “BITCH, WHAT THE FUCK?!”

He cackled loudly, clutching at his stomach. “Is that “boyfriend” enough for you?”

“Where the hell did you pull that from?!”

“You said it’s a Quinceanera right? I figured I could put my 6 years of Spanish class to good use. How’d I do?” He was still laughing up a storm while I was ready to call off the whole thing. I couldn’t believe he would be able to possibly understand my stupid family.

“How much do you know?” I asked.

“Enough. I’ll mess up every now and again but I think i could pull off a conversation if I needed to.”

“Christ. Ok…If they say something to you just pretend you don’t know anything. I know they’re gonna talk shit and then you can come back and tell me. That’s all we’re gonna do, ok? Ok. I’m gonna throw up.”

“Why? I won’t mess this up, okay? I know she’s important to you. We’ll be civil remember?”

I looked up at him and nodded. “Thank you, Johnny. Seriously.”

He shrugged and shoved his hands in the pockets of his jeans. “It’s cool. So what time is my hot date picking me up?”

“Probably around 4, i’m sure I’ll need to help set up and stuff. And help with makeup. We can get dressed at the motel because I do not want to walk in heels in the snow and i also don’t want to mess up my dress. Where I live my mom said that the snow is more melted and they have clearer sidewalks so I should be good there.”

“Alright, sounds good…so…what’s our plan for tonight?”

I raised my brow, confused. “What do you mean?”

“I came all the way here and I figured we might…We could practice for being a couple tomorrow.”

“You’re going to give me a bunch of hickies and I can’t have that.”

“That’s the pot calling the kettle black. All you do is bite and scratch like a little chihuahua.” He laughed.

I stomped my foot down and huffed. “I am not a little chihuahua!”

“How about I make them where everyone can’t see? Then we won’t have any problems, hmm?”

I crossed my arms and pursed my lips together, hating how devilishly convincing he could be. He was a natural born flirt and it made me want to punch him. I nibbled my bottom lip contemplating if I should really give him the satisfaction. He pulled his coat off and yanked his shirt over his head, showing me his perfectly toned chest and how low slung his jeans were. Asshole. I grabbed onto the waistband of his jeans and pulled him close so we could crash our lips together. He pushed me back onto the bed and crawled on top of me, shoving his tongue past my teeth and coaxing me to moan in his mouth. I grabbed onto his shoulders and shoved him down so I could roll on top of him. “What’s the real reason you were late?” I asked as I dug my nails into his stomach.

“Jacking off.” He grabbed at my tshirt and tried pulled it up but I shoved his hands away and pinned his wrists down.

“I knew it, pig.”

“You act like you don’t do it. How many times have you showed me what you like doing when you’re alone, hmm? When we facetime and I call you late at night?” He teased.

“Shut up, Johnny. You’re so fucking annoying.” I dove my head down to bite at his chest, leaving harsh kisses in my wake. He tried moving his hands but i kept him pinned, liking the fact that he was the one squirming for once. I moved just a bit lower to land a few bites before licking through the center of his chest and up his throat. His entire body practically caved in on itself with how hard he shuddered.

“Fu-fuck…” He licked his lips and tossed his head back, moaning deeply. I blushed as I watched, feeling myself become victim to how good he looked. I resisted the urge to suck on his neck and went back to his chest, taking his nipple into my mouth. I knew this would truly make him squirm but i didn’t expect how hard his hips would buck. I moved my head away from him to over hover his face.

“You’re not being a very good boy are you?”

He opened one eye to glare at me. “When am I ever?”

“I think I should stop. I’ve got a lot to do tomorrow.”

“Oh don’t you play that game with me, Eri! That’s not fair!”

I moved away from him completely and made my way over to open my bedroom door. “Out.”

He sad up with an incredulous look on his face. “You’re kidding?!”

“You’re being bad so you get nothing. C'mon now.”

“I’ll be good then! Whatever the fuck that means!”

I shook my head. “I’ll pick you up at 4, ok?”

“Fuckin’ hell!” He got up, his jeans visibly tighter and pulled his shirt back over his head. He grabbed his coat and made his way out of my room with the biggest pout on his face. Just as he had stepped out of the door frame he turned back to me. “Can I ask you something?” He propped his forearm above his head on the frame and looked down at me.

“What?”

“Besides us freaking out…did you…did you like it when I came inside you?

My entire face felt like it was on fire and took a step back as if that would somehow prevent him from seeing my embarrassment. "I-i-i-i have n-noooo idea what you’re t-talking about!” I stuttered.

“I mean, did you like the way it felt inside you? Like how hot or how deep it was?”

“Please stop talking!” My voice was now a squeaky whisper.

Johnny smirked and ran his tongue over his teeth. “I guess that answers my question, doesn’t it? See ya tomorrow, Eri. And don’t forget, you owe me one.” He winked at me and headed towards my front door, leaving me more flustered than ever.

–

I spent the whole two hour ride telling him about which one of my aunts would grill him the most and which cousin got pregnant first and who’s baby daddy was a complete failure and which of my uncles was most likely to get drunk and cause a scene. I was sure he wouldn’t remember any of it but I was trying to over prepare him for the shit show that was my family. I also needed him to make a good impression so it would look like he was actually happy to be dating me. Fake dating me of course. We checked into the motel first and I spent most of my time being frustrated with my hair and trying to curl it the way I wanted it. It just barely cooperated and i wasted about half a can of hairspray trying to keep everything in place.

My makeup was more softer and neutral than normal to go with my pastel pink floor length sweetheart neckline dress (which made me feel lowkey so pretty). Dani’s theme colors were pink and mint so I was able to at least wear something I would like. Just as i had slipped on my gown i realized there was no way I could reach the zipper in the back. I huffed and squirmed, trying my damndest until I finally gave up. I opened the bathroom door just a crack and peeked out. My heart basically exploded and I wouldn’t normally say that my basement could flood in two seconds but this was definitely one of those times.

Johnny was checking himself out in the large mirror on the other side of the room. He wore black pinstripe pants that hugged his ass like a dream. The sleeves of his dress shirt were rolled to the elbows and a fitted grey vest covered his torso. He adjusted the black tie around his neck, fussing with it until he seemed comfortable enough. He had an extremely nice watch on one wrist and a silver chain bracelet on the other. A few simple rings decorated his fingers and his black dress shoes seemed to sparkle in the fluorescent lighting. His hair was even freshly faded and his bangs trimmed and slicked back. Lord have mercy I wanted to die. I swallowed hard and took a few deep breaths before I called out to him.

His honey brown eyes shot up to look at me and I gripped the handle of the bathroom door tighter. “What?”

“Could you um…help me zip my dress?”

He sauntered over to me I tried to keep myself within the tiny gap of the open door but he pushed it open leaving me exposed to all of his handsome glory. He found the zipper and slid it up slowly, making sure the fabric didn’t get caught in it. “Do you want me to tie the sash thing too?” I nodded meekly and felt his hands smooth over the fabric under my chest and slide back to gather the ends to tie into a bow. It was such a simple thing to do but it had my body turning warmer by the second. I caught him looking at me in the reflection of the mirror above the sink once he was done. He looked shocked, licking his lips as if he was trying to say something but not being able to get anything out. I turned my head back towards him.

“Do I…do I look okay?”

He shook his head as if to clear his thoughts. “Yeah, you look alright.”

“Oh…” I said softly. Just alright.

“I mean like you look good, you know? Um…yeah, real good.”

I avoided looking at him as I slipped out the bathroom. I didn’t have that much time left before we had to head over and I still had to wiggle my feet into heels that I was sure would break my ankles as soon as I got into them. I struggled to get them strapped around my ankles, huffing when my boobs got in my way as I doubled over to reach my feet. I sat down at the small desk and tried to angle myself another way but it was still just as frustrating. “Need help with that too?” He asked.

I nodded, defeated and he came in front of me, landing on one knee. He slid my dress up to my thigh and took my foot in his hands, delicately securing the straps around my ankle. I couldn’t help but feel like Cinderella in that moment, even if my so called prince charming was a fuck boy. “Thanks.” I said softly as I stood up. He rose to his feet too and it was weird to almost be face to face with him, instead of staring at his chest.

“Oh, i don’t like this.” He joked. “I’d like you to stay mini sized.”

“Yeah well they won’t be on for long. They’re already killing me. I just need to get through the walk and first dance and then i’m tossing them.” I nibbled my lip for a moment before pressing them to his, which seemed to catch him a little off guard. “Hmm, it’s nice to not have to stand on my tiptoes to kiss you.”

“Hm, let’s hope that walk goes fast. I don’t like those heels either.” He smiled at me and offered his arm. “Ready now?”

I grabbed my clutch from atop the desk and nodded. “You have the room key right?”

“Yep.” We headed out of the room and towards the parking lot to my car. “You know, the pastel pink is really nice with your skin tone.”

I straightened up at his compliment. “You really think so?”

He opened the door to my car and lead me to sit down. “I know so.”

I laughed nervously. “A-are you practicing your boyfriend skills?” I tried to make it sound like a joke but he just shrugged and went over to the passenger side to get in. I swallowed hard and clicked my seat belt into place before revving up the engine. “Oh, remember how I said if I told you my government name I’d have to kill you?”

“Yeah?”

“Well you’re going to hear it tonight and if you so much as ever repeat it you won’t have a dick, got it?”

“Why not? It can’t be that bad!”

“Trust me, it definitely is.”

–

“ERIANNALISSE!”

I cringed. I cringed hard and wanted to shrink away into a minuscule molecule and be non existent. I didn’t even want to look at Johnny to see what he was going to say. I could practically hear him trying to cover up his snickers. I sighed and put on a fake smile as my aunt came to me with arms wide open to capture me in a death grip hug that could snap my spine in half. “Ay, mija! Look at you, you look so pretty!” She paused. “Have you gained weight?”

“Nice to see you too, Titi.” I grit my teeth and tried to ignore her shade. Her eyes went over to Johnny, looking him up and down and squinting her eyes a bit.

“Eriannalisse, quien es este?” She asked who Johnny was.

I grabbed onto his arm, digging my nails into his bicep. “This is my….boyfriend, Johnny.”

He waved and grimaced through my death grip. “Hi. Nice to meet you.”

“Hm…” Was all my aunt said. “Titi Carmen has been wanting to see you. I’m sure she’d want to meet…Johnny.”

“Yeah, i’ll go see her in a bit! I have to find mami and Dani first.”

My aunt kissed both of my cheeks and left to go join the gossiping group of women in my family who all suddenly turned their gazes from their champagne flutes to Johnny and I. I turned my back towards them and looked up at Johnny. “I will literally pay you .25 cents to kill me. Just make it quick.”

“Don’t be so dramatic, Eriannalisse. What’s the worst that could happen?”  He smirked and laughed a bit which made me frown.

“Johnny, I told you don’t call me that. I’m serious. They can call me that because they don’t recognize who I am as a person. You can’t.”

“O-oh…is it a gay thing? Like one of your gay things that you won’t explain to me?”

I sighed and looked down at my feet. “Yeah, sort of. I’ll explain it to you eventually. Just not now ok?”

He took my hand in his and gave it a squeeze. “Ok, i’m sorry. I won’t say it again.” He leaned down just a bit and gave me a soft (rated PG) kiss which made me smile.

“It’s just hard being around them…I wish it would be a fun time but-” I suddenly heard vicious clacking before arms were thrown around my shoulders.

“ERIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!” I recognized the overly excited voice and looked up at my modelesque baby sister. “I missed you so much!”

I kissed her cheek and turned around to properly hug her. “Hey, happy birthday.”

“You’re like almost my height!” She said, looking down at my heels. Dani was so graciously blessed with being 5’8”, skinny, with straighter hair and caramel skin as opposed to my milk chocolate. Her eyes were the perfect shade of hazel with flecks of green that sparkled perfectly. She was only my half sister as our fathers were different but we were raised both the same, save for the fact that she was a model and I was the throw away. “You look so pretty. I’m glad you’re not in black- Yooooooooooo, who is THIS!?” Her attention turned to Johnny, her eyes wide and mouth practically watering.

“Uh…hey.” he said sheepishly.

“This is my boyfriend, Johnny.”

Dani laughed and slapped my shoulder. “No, really!? Who is he?”

I pouted. “I’m serious. He’s my boyfriend.”

Dani looked at me then stepped up to Johnny. “What’s her favorite color?”

“Pastel pink.” He answered.

“Favorite food?”

“Pizza…and pasta.”

“What instruments can she play?”

“Guitar, and she sings.”

“What’s her favorite anime?”

“Sailor Moon.”

Dani squinted her eyes. “When’s her birthday?”

Fuck, he didn’t know that. I grabbed Dani’s arm, trying to get her attention from ruining our facade. “Dani, can you not grill him please? It’s bad enough Titi Lisa and probably Titi Carmen are talking shit about us already. Also, I haven’t told mom yet.”

“You haven’t told mom yet?! How long have you been dating?”

“It’ll be four months in December.” Johnny added. “We started dating right when the semester started. We have a class together and I thought she was cute so,” He shrugged. “Here we are.”

“Yeah but you’re hot. Eri has never dated anyone this hot before.”

“Well gee, thanks Dani! And i’ve dated cute people before!”

“Yeah cute, not hot. He’s hot. If you’re not going to keep him, I’ll take him.”

“You’re fifteen!” Johnny and I said at the same time.

Dani shrugged. “I mean…”

I held my hand up. “Don’t even go there. He’s like-” How old was Johnny anyway? “Way older than you. Stop being an instagram thot for once. Where’s mami? I need to know when she wants us to line up and start this.”

“I think at 8 exactly, but she’s running around like a chicken with her head cut off. I’ve just been chilling with my friends for now. This dress weighs like 50 pounds and I’m sweating like a whore in church.” Dani fanned at herself and hiked up the bodice of her dress. I looked at her poofy dress that was a beautiful array of soft Monet colors but way too 90’s barbie cake topper. It wouldn’t have been my first choice but I was sure mami wanted it to look as traditional as possible. “Oh, by the wayyyy, I know you have a boyfriend now but mami invited Josue.”

I straightened up completely when I heard that name. Josue was my childhood crush. He was older than me and I never stood a chance with him but we always played together. Once we kissed in my backyard and told me that he wanted to play house with me and be the daddy. I had been in love with him up until I was 12 when he moved away to a different state. “Jo-Josue? He’s coming? Here? Tonight?” I squeaked.

“Who’s Josue?” Johnny interjected.

“Josue is Eri’s big ol’ crush from when she was younger. All they did was play house together and be mommy and daddy and make kissy faces at each other. Then they kissed for real and he touched her chichi’s! But they never lived happily ever after because he moved away.”

“Dani, por favor, why do you have to be like this? I’m just happy to know he’s going to be here. I haven’t even seen him in like…almost 7 years. Besides I’m with Johnny now so it doesn’t matter.” I forced his arm around my waist and he clutched onto it tightly.

“Uh-huh whatever. Have you not followed him on Insta? There’s a lot of nice gym pictures. He hit a growth spurt. He’s like 6”3’ now.”

I swallowed hard. “Really? O-oh wow…”

“Sounds like a tool.” Johnny scoffed. “Ya’ll got beer at this place?”

Dani nodded towards the bar at the back of the venue. “Just fight my uncles off before they drink them all.”

“Cool.” He dipped out completely, leaving me and my sister to be swept away by our mother who had just stepped in like she was out of breath. She hustled to get us all lined up and ready like a bridal party ready to walk down the aisle. I sighed as I stayed in place, shuffling a bit as my feet already started to hurt. My mind started wandering to my childhood crush. Memories started bubbling to the surface; he had been my first kiss, the first to get to second base, and the first person I had wanted to be my boyfriend. He was three years older than me and I didn’t stand a chance with him. But his name was written all over my notebooks until I got my first girlfriend.

I couldn’t help but peek around a bit, wondering if he was already in the venue. I didn’t have much time to investigate as our entrance music started playing and pair by pair we walked into the main dance floor. I was walking with one of my younger cousin’s who I rarely spoke with so I barely paid attention. He had to yank me back a bit when I walked too fast and it made me want to punch him. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Johnny leaning against the back wall nursing a beer and watching me intensely. I smiled in his direction, letting him know I was still trying to be civil but he just took another sip and shoved his hand into his pocket. I wondered if he was ignoring me on purpose or if he genuinely didn’t see me. I chewed on my bottom lip almost getting swept up in my thoughts, that was until I saw Dani walking into the room.

Even though I had seen her just minutes ago now that all eyes were on her she looked sparkling and glowing. I’d never seen her look so beautiful before and it brought tears to my eyes that I tried wiping away as soon as they surfaced. I was a proud sibling then. She meant so much to me that I hoped that this day always reminded her of the happiest times she had in her life. We had our ups and downs but for the most part I was always there for her as much as she was there for me. She embarrassed me and I made sure I had to keep her in place before she got too out of hand. Even though I was far away from home now, I knew we would always remain close.

The floor was hers now and we dispersed to let her have the spotlight. I retreated to one of the circular tables while her and our mom shared a dance. It was normally meant for a daughter and her father but since neither of us had them in our lives our mother was the one who deserved to have that dance. I felt a touch on my shoulder and turned to see Johnny sitting behind me at the table. “Want some?” He said, offering the beer which i denied.

“I hate that kind. I’ll leave you too it.”

“She looks nice.”

“She’s a little shit but I love her.”

“I could say the same about you.”

I whipped my head around to stare at him wide eyed. “W-what?”

“I meant like you’re chill! Like i like you. Not like like you but like we’re cool. Uh…you know.” I stammered.

“Right…yeah, um…ok.”

“You wanna dance?!” He said, changing the subject quickly. Dani and my mother had finished their sentimental dance and the dj had switched to some reggaeton/trap mix Dani most likely requested.

“Uh, you mean make a fool out of ourselves?”

He shrugged and chugged down the rest of the beer in a few gulps. I guess it wouldn’t be so bad. My cousins were already grinding with whoever they invited or dancing in groups and laughing. We could probably blend in without being too weird. I kicked off my heels and stood up, extending my hand for him to take. I should’ve had a drink before I even agreed to this. My stomach was already in knots and my anxiety was making me feel like I was going to look stupid but he took my hand and we found a spot in a little corner of the dance floor. I stood in front of him waiting for him to make a move but he just stood there with his hands in his pockets. Why the hell did he keep doing that? Was it a nervous habit?

“So…” he said.

“Are you gonna like…move?”

“I’ve never danced to this sort of music. What do I do?”

“Literally it’s the same as rap music in english. You just sorta…” I gestured towards my family. “Grind on each other and act a fool.”

“So you turn around and just like put your ass against me?”

“Oh my God, have you never done that before?”

“Listen I was a dork and went to high school with a bunch of white kids and we like listened to Ke$ha and Britney Spears. What do you want from me?” He laughed.

“That’s unfortunate.” I joked. I turned around so my back was against his chest and I set his hands on my hips. “I’m not the best but I figure I can put my ass to use.” I worked myself back against him, swaying to the music a bit in hopes of getting him to respond.

Instead he laughed nervously and held my waist tighter. “How do people not get boners doing this?”

“I mean that’s what the song 'Too Close’ is about. Don’t tell me this is turning you on already.” I teased.

He lowered himself to face level and turned my head towards his to kiss me. I held it for a bit, enjoying the way the warmth of his tongue flowed over mine until I realized if my mom caught me doing this my ass would be grass. I pushed him back gently. “Johnny! I can’t do that. Behave!”

“C'mon, I at least need to have a little bit of fun while I’m here. And then when we get back to the motel we can-”

I felt a tap on my shoulder then. Johnny and I both looked up to see a tall, absolutely golden, green eyed adonis that looked like he could pick me up and toss me around in an instant. If I could have heart eyes I definitely would. I let go of Johnny instantly, almost pushing him away as my heart started to skip beats.

“Eri!” I knew it was him instantly even if puberty hit him like a freight train and gave him a deep bass-y voice that made my hair stand on end. He opened his arms to scoop me up and crush me to his barrel chest which smelled of high priced cologne. My feet dangled just a bit when he lifted me. “I can’t believe it. I haven’t seen you in ages!”

“Oh my god, Josue…Jesus, you’re huge.” God I hoped he was huge everywhere.

He laughed and I tried not to show how much it affected me. “Oh yeah, I’m really into that health and fitness thing. You really uh…wow. Definitely not a teeny bopper anymore.” He set me back down and adjusted the sleeves of his suit jacket.

“Yep! Got bigger boobs now, haha!” Why did I say that? WHY???

He licked his lips a smiled a bit. “I can definitely see that.”

Johnny cleared his throat deeply. Josue turned his attention to the man behind me. “Oh hey, I’m Josue. Who are you?”

“I’m her boy-”

“This is just Johnny!” I interjected with a nervous laugh. “Just Johnny! Want to go get something to drink? We can catch up!”

Josue flashed his incredibly perfect teeth. “Yeah I’d love that.” He set his giant hand against the small of my back ushering me away from Johnny.

“Eri!” Johnny said sternly.

“I’ll just be quick!” I mouthed to him, letting myself get whisked away. He didn’t seem too happy about that but I could let him sulk for a bit. I was too preoccupied at the moment anyway.

–

Johnny’s POV

That was fucked up. Way more than fucked up and I was pissed off beyond belief. She was the one who begged me to come with her so she would survive her family. Now she was head over heels for some dude she had a crush on years ago who looked like the biggest douchebag to ever exist. He was taller than me and more built, had perfect teeth and no lisp. I wanted to punch him dead in the jaw.

I didn’t know what to do now. If I went after her it might cause a scene which I didn’t completely want. I still knew that this party was important to her sister and unlike her I wasn’t being an asshole for once. I could get another drink and maybe get away with being a little tipsy but her loud uncles were hogging up the space and the bartender’s attention. I grumbled as I sat back down at the table. my arms crossed as I contemplated leaving her and going back to the motel by myself.

"What are you pouting for?!” Dani said as she plopped down next to me, her poofy dress seeming to expand.

“Nothing.”

“Where’s Eri?”

“With precious Josue.” I said bitterly.

“Ah, so he finally found her. I knew he would.” She drummed her nails on the table thinking over her next statement. “You’re not dating my sister are you?”

“It’s complicated…”

“You’re fuck buddies?”

“Yes.”

“I figured as much. She can’t never lie right when it comes to me. So, you’re in love with her then?”

I snapped my head towards her. “Excuse me?”

“You’re in love with her right? I mean that’s the only reason you would be sulking over her because Eri went off with her new papi.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about. I’m not sulking.” She was definitely Eri’s sister with how she blurted out things without consequence.

“Look, if you want to win her over you need to definitely do something that will make her remember you. Not that I want to hear about my sister’s sex life or even think about her getting p or v action, but if you got something she might like, go for it. And do it before she ends up going to Josue’s hotel.” She craned her neck to see where Eri and that asshole had gone off too. “Looks like he may have already given her his number.”

I looked in the same direction, my anger only getting stronger. They were huddled over their phones, laughing, with Eri casually (but noticeably) keeping her hands on him. I didn’t want to “win her over”. I wanted to stake my claim and tell him to fuck right off. The grip on my biceps got tighter the more I stared at them. “Ay, you got a younger brother?”

I turned my attention back to Dani, a bit grateful that she was distracting me enough to not go apeshit. “What? No? I’m an only child.”

“Wack. But like if you’re not gonna date Eri then likeeee…”

“You’re fifteen! I’m not going to jail nor am I interested.”

“Ok, ok…but like do you have any younger friends? What flavor Asian are you? Chinese? Or like them ones that dance on tv? The um…the Korean ones!”

“Oh my God.” I ran a hand over my face. “Yes I’m Korean. And no I don’t have any friends your age. My only young friend in Toronto is 18, which is still illegal.”

“Dammit. You know Eri be listening to that stuff right?”

I pulled out my phone, wanting her to take a hint that she was now annoying me without being too rude. “Doesn’t surprise me when she fucks half of Asia.”

“All her hookups are with Asian guys?”

“As far as I’m aware. But who fuckin’ knows.”

“Oooohhh I gotta mess with her about that. Guess she trying to get that carribean dick now.” She cackled and slapped my back hard as she got up. “Call me, ok?!” She said as she finally left me to join the gaggle of teenage girls that were her friends.

I rubbed my temples and took a few deeps breaths. I needed a smoke, badly. I looked to see if Eri was still stuck to Josue’s side but they were nowhere to be found. I looked around the dance floor trying to see if they might have gone there. Sure enough she was grinding on him now, definitely not as awkward as she had been with me. She was practically bent over and ready to get fucked by him. Fuck it. I stood up and weaved through everyone dancing to make my way over to her. I stood in front of her, watching as she came up from shaking her ass.

“Can we help you?” Josue yelled over the music to me. I rolled my eyes at him and took Eri’s chin in my hand giving her a deep kiss. She stumbled back a bit and gripped onto my vest. When i pulled away i licked my lips, tasting the slight flavor of her lipstick.

“Johnny!” She exclaimed.

“What the hell are you doing?” He asked, in his macho voice, trying to one up me.

“Oh, you didn’t know?” I grabbed onto Eri’s waist and kept her close to me. “She’s MY girlfriend. You had your fun catching up right?”

“Eri, you didn’t tell me-”

She looked panicked as she glanced between us. “No, wait- It’s just-”

“Come with me.” I growled in her ear. “Now.”

“Johnny , I swear to g-” I kept my arm around her waist and lead her towards the front door of the venue. When we were in the clear she whipped around to face me. “What the actual fuck?!”

“I should be asking you the same thing! You’re really gonna ditch me to throw yourself on him? After you begged me to come here?!”

“I wasn’t throwing myself on him! We haven’t seen each other in 7 years! So excuse me if I wanted to talk with him.”

“Hard to talk to him with his dick practically in your mouth! What is wrong with you?!”

“Why are you being such a jerk again! You always do this!” She yelled.

“You’re the one being the jerk this time! I’m fuckin’ pissed. When are we leaving?”

“Leaving?! I have to stay here for at least a few hours! Clearly you don’t know how these go.”

“No, Eri, i fuckin’ don’t. But I do know that you going off with someone else while I’m supposed to be your boyfriend blows our entire cover. So either you fucking act right or I can leave right now. You sister already knows were lying.”

“Fuck!” She stomped her foot and sighed. “I knew she would figure it out. She better not tell anyone.”

“I’m pretty sure she won’t have to with you being stupid. Get me my cigs from your purse wallet thingy.”

“Get you-? Get it yourself! I’m freezing and I’m going back inside. And maybe i’ll still be talking with Josue!”

I grabbed her arm and held onto it. “Eri, do you want to go there? Really want to go there?” My eyes caught hers and i could see how hard she swallowed. Her chest was heaving chest a bit and trembling with the cold.

“What are you going to do?” She sniffled.

“Do you want to find out?”

“M-maybe.”

I let her go then opened the door, guiding her back inside. “Then keep it up. I dare you.”

She stayed quiet then but shuffled ahead of me quickly. I realized I had made her walk outside without her shoes on or our coats but it was whatever at this point. I needed her to know that I wasn’t playing games any more. She was mine.

–*

Eri’s POV

I could barely keep up with Johnny’s long strides from the parking lot to the door of our motel room. He continued his little tyrade of sticking by me and keeping me from Josue, never letting go of my hand, or my waist, even when he went through the ringer of meeting more members of my family. Him being pissed off had me pissed off and it didn’t help when my family told me how fat I looked, or asked when Johnny and I were getting married, or why I had spent so much time in college, or even that what I was studying wasn’t going to get me a real job. It made the entire rest of the night absolutely fucking miserable. Not to mention when I told my mother I was going to spend the night in the motel with Johnny instead of driving home at midnight she blew up on me, saying that it wasn’t right and insisting that I stay at the house. I refused to and I had no idea why she still thought I was some sort of Virgin de Guadalupe or some shit. It was another fight to end this magical night. I gave up and just wanted to take a hot shower, put on my fuzzy pajamas on and possibly smoother Johnny with a pillow as he slept.

Johnny barged into our room, not even bothering to hold the door open for me. I didn’t even want to deal with him since I was still mad at my mother for treating me like a child. I went straight to prepping for my shower, tossing my clutch and fake eyelashes on the desk and my phone on the bed so i could plug it in to charge. I unzipped the dress as best as I could without his assistance and shimmied out of it, leaving it a puddle in front of the bed. I didn’t care anymore. Not one bit. After I showered I pulled the too short towel around me and went back into the shared space. Johnny was sitting in the chair, feet propped up on the desk and tie loosened. He was glaring at me and I swallowed hard at the intensity. He dropped his legs and leaned forward in the seat, undoing the first few buttons on his dress shirt.

I tried to ignore the effect he had on me and instead went to my duffel bag to try and find my pajamas. He stopped me as I passed by him, grabbing my wrist and pulling me in front of him. “Ow! What’s your problem now?!” I asked, still trying to clutch onto my towel so it wouldn’t fall.

“This night was complete bullshit. I’m your boyfriend and all you could do was throw yourself onto that guy and embarrass me in front of everyone.”

“I wasn’t throwing myself on him!” I argued again. I hated that he was saying that. So what if I found Josue incredibly attractive and felt like a preteen again as soon as I saw him? That was my business and not Johnny’s.

“You grinded on him, got his number, and had your arms around him for minutes on end. You made me look stupid. I’m your boyfriend, Eri.”

“Fake boyfriend.” I corrected.

“That’s what I meant.”

“Why should you be embarrassed then?!”

“Because your uncles didn’t think that I was man enough to keep you with me. And your aunts talked shit about me all night.” He pressed himself up against me making the edge of the desk dig into my lower back. “You said you were going to be civil and you were far from civil.” He set his hands on either side of my hips, keeping me in place.

“A-ah, Johnny…back u-up.” I whimpered and avoided looking at him but he grabbed my face roughly.

“You wanna try that shit again, Eri? Hmm?”

I could feel his fingers digging harshly into my jaw. “I didn’t do anything wrong! You’re just a jealous prick that-”

He pulled away from me and shoved me back onto the bed, instantly hovering over me. My towel fell open just like my legs and he pinned both my wrists above my head in one of his large hands. I swallowed hard and felt my heartbeat increase. I had no idea what had gotten into him and i was partially thinking about what Doyoung had said about Johnny. Was he actually trying to manipulate me and make me feel bad for being with Josue? I bit my lip as I thought, wondering what his next move would be. “Get off me.” I tried to sound strong but it was a pathetic attempt.

“Open.” He demanded.

“W-what?” What the hell did he want? I figured it out quickly as three of his fingers dove down my throat almost making me gag. I squirmed against him, trying to edge my head away but he was adding more of his weight onto me as his fingers plowed into my mouth. His knee was pressed right into my center, the residual wetness from the shower dampening the fabric. I tried swallowing around the invasion when his knee started to rock into me.

“Suck harder, Eri.”

I didn’t dare look at him. His voice was doing something to me as always. Stirring the pot of emotions and hormones that made me fall into a space of complete submission. This wasn’t like his usual ways though throughout or hookups I could see the dominance poking through. Now he was another person that I was desperate to get to know. I tried my best to suck deeper at his fingers, sliding my tongue around them and providing them all the wetness they hopefully needed. I knew exactly where they were going and i was going to be stretched far beyond my imagination. With his thrust his rings kissed my lips, shocking me with a bit of cold and excitement. I edged my tongue around the silver as best I could given the invasion that took up most of my mouth. Slowly the metal warmed up and I pressed my thighs against his, feeling a tingling throughout my center.

He pulled his hand away sharply, making me cough as his glistening fingers dove lower. Two were rushed inside me making my knees jerk up towards my chest and toes curl. I was already crying out his name, wanting him to slow down just enough for me to catch my breath and adjust but he ignored me. Instead he was working in the third finger, forcing my walls to flex and waver around him. He was already digging my arousal out of me. I could hear it so blatantly echoing in our room. I buried my face in my arm beside my head, still being unable to free my hands though I struggled as much as I could. He seemed to like that struggle as his fingers curled deep inside me, knuckles pressing against my entrance, the rings threatening to push past and fill me up too.

“Fuck, Johnny!!!” I cried out as my thighs almost snapped shut. It was starting to be too much and I could feel myself already crawling towards an orgasm.

“Quiet.” Was all he said as he pulled his fingers out to give me some relief from the pressure. I was throbbing and gaping around the stretch he left behind, my whole lower half practically trembling. He finally let me go and sat down on the bed. He splayed his legs open, unzipping his dress pants and beckoning me over to him. “Get over here.”

I shook my head, raising myself to my knees and shrinking myself away. I wasn’t scared of him, far from it. I was definitely turned on more than anything but I wanted to push him further than he had ever been capable of. He wanted to be a jealous boyfriend that pushed my buttons well I was going to push right back. “You’re being a jerk. I’m not giving you the satisfaction, especially after you decided to barge in there with your giant ass fingers!”

He lurched forward and grabbed onto my arm before I could wiggle away. He yanked me to his chest then gripped the back of my neck hard. Our eyes met before he pulled me close to his lips. “I like it better when you don’t talk.”

I squinted at him, almost in shock that he used my own line against me. “You fucker.”

He pressed me down towards his lap though I tried to resist as much as I could. It was no use as he was stronger than me and I was face to face with his growing length trapped within his briefs. His hand was now digging into my hair keeping me firmly in place. I landed a bite to his hipbone making sure he knew I wasn’t too pleased in the way he was handling me. He hissed out my name and arched his hips, his nails digging into my scalp. I wrapped my hand around his, trying to pry his iron grip away while adding kitten licks to the outline of his cock. That seemed to soothe him a little as I heard him exhale through his nose as he relaxed back against the wall. His nails quit marking my skin and he opted to push my hair away from my face gently instead of trying to rip it out.

I slid his briefs back and guided him towards my mouth pressing kisses down the shaft before licking back up to the tip. Once I got to the tip, I took him in, swallowing his head completely. I shifted my hips to raise my ass higher for him to look at knowing it would tease him. I looked up at him and saw the full pleasure that was written across his face. His eyes had closed, his lips pressed together, and his fingers trailing down to open more buttons on his dress shirt. I popped off him and placed kisses up his stomach with each new area that became exposed. “I can tease that little spot that you like.” I smirked and added a slow stroke to his cock.

“Actually, I have a better idea.” He shoved me down onto my back and straddled my shoulders, his cock now hovering above my face. I couldn’t move with his weight on me and I was trapped between his thick thighs. He tapped my lips with his cock which I absolutely hated. I slapped at his stomach but he remained stoic. He only moved to shove himself down my throat, propping one hand against the wall while the other kept my head in place. He worked quickly to rock his hips against my face making me claw at him. I wasn’t used to this sort of thing, even with all of my experience, and it hurt like all hell. I was trying my damnedest not to gag around him but it was impossible given the fact that he was ramming into my throat. My eyes watered and tears fell against my will. My nails dug into his hips as I silently begged for him to slow down.

He was moaning my name, more than he ever had before, completely lost in the pleasure of torturing my throat. He looked fucking amazing, I had to give him that much, even if I hated what he was doing to me. I loved the way his hair was coming undone from the gel he used, the way his dress shirt lay open and his tie dangled above me like an invitation. The way his thighs stretched out his dress pants was a dream and I wanted to touch every part of him. I reached for the thinner end of his tie, pulling roughly so it zipped up to his throat. He lurched back at the sudden pressure and looked down at me. He must have seen my fucked up state because he pulled out, leaving me grossed out by the messy spit that connected us still.

"Fu-fucker. That hurt” I croaked.

He pulled off me completely before lifting me up to sit in his lap. He wiped away my tears and I buried my face in his neck, clutching onto his vest. He kissed at my cheek, pulling me away from hiding. “You ok?”

I sniffled and nodded. He worked his hands over my sides and hips trying to soothe me more. Of course he couldn’t help himself and gripped my ass tight which made me laugh just a bit. “I’ve never done that before…”

“Really?” He asked, surprised.

“Ok, I’m a hoe but like there are some things I haven’t done before. You have to remember you dick is huge, dude. I’m small.”

He gave me soft tender kisses and tucked my hair behind my ear. “I know, princess. I’m sorry. But don’t think you’re getting away with this shit either.”

I pouted and crossed my arms over my chest. “I stand by the fact that I didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Hmm.” Was all he said before he tossed me face down onto the bed. I looked back at him as he discarded the rest of his clothes, dangerously holding his tie in his hand. He mounted me, as I was completely his to take and wrapped the loop of the tie around my wrists, pulling tight. “You like this don’t you?” It was supposed to be a command but I could tell it was mostly an uneasy question and he needed permission to continue.

I nodded and smiled at him. “I like it a lot, daddy.” I gave him a quick kiss sealing my consent. I threw out my rule of not using our titles with one another since he couldn’t actually communicate but in this moment I need him to know that I was his to command and I was giving him as much power as I would allow.

He wrapped the length tie around his fist, keeping a firm hold on it. His other hand jerked my hips up while his knee nudged my legs apart as far as they could go. My ass was raised, arms outstretched, and my body was trembling with excitement. His first thrust was swift and hard. I could hear his hips snap against me and I was barely able to hold myself up in that moment. My arms shook weakly and I dug my fingers into the sheets as my mouth curved into a silent moan. He was almost too deep for me to handle and every slam into me seemed harsher than the last. I couldn’t really keep up. It was overpowering and I wanted to scream my pleasure into the tiny room though I could barely even mumble a word.

My fingers curled as I tried to send tension to my arms instead of my weakening legs. It was useless though and I could feel my stomach tightening. He landed a slap to my ass just as I tried to pull away from him and regroup. I hissed and bowed my head, breathing out his title again. Suddenly, my phone buzzed by my head, the screen lighting up and distracting me. I turned to see who it was and winced. This was the worst time for him to call.

Johnny pressed my head into the mattress and sped up his brutal thrusts. “Why don’t you answer it, Eri? Let him hear how good you’re getting fucked. Tell him who’s really your boyfriend.”

I opened my mouth to say anything but all that came out we’re soft croaks. I panicked when I saw him reach for my phone and I struggled to move to try and block him. “D-dont, please don’t.” I was finally able to say. He let go of his grip on the tie wrapped around my wrists and instead set it around my neck. The call disappeared much to my relief.

“What a shame Eri. Let’s see if he calls back or if he took the fucking hint.” I swallowed hard and nodded, biting into my lip to try and still my moans. He quickly latched his teeth into my neck, sucking deeply like he always did when he wanted to mark me. “Stay on all fours, got it?”

I propped myself back to my elbows as he forced my thighs to rest on the outside of his. I could hear his moan of satisfaction at the sight of me splayed open with his cock stuffed inside me. I wanted to shy away and hide but he wouldn’t let me of course. He resumed his grip on the tie, pulling it taught around my neck and constricting my air flow. My eyelids fluttered and i wondered if this was heaven. Jesus, it felt so amazing even if every muscle in my body felt like it was burning and my insides were a scrambled mess. While he made my back dip by pulling my neck by the tie I felt his other hand slid down from my hips to my wetness, flowing over my clit. I was grateful for the extra attention and wiggled my hips to rock back against him and dive further into his fingers.

His finger started to trail from my clit to dance around my gaping entrance and just like before he pressed the long digit in little by little until it was almost as deep as his cock. I pleaded for him to stop, it was too much, too overwhelming for my overly sensitive walls but he kept working away at my torturous pleasure. That, coupled with his thickness, made the tendons in my legs strain as bliss shot through me. My moans mixed in with my strangled pants as he dared to press a second finger into me.“J-johnny!!” I rasped. “It’s too much!!”

He pressed his body weight harder against me, keeping me pinned so I would have no way from escaping the overstretching. “You’re not going anywhere.” He whispered harshly in my ear, making me shudder. He curled his finger then, the pressure of his knuckles against his cock, and the sliding of his rings against my heated walls made me clench meekly around him. Johnny enjoyed seeing me writhe beneath him, seeing me try and focus on being a good brat when in reality I was starting to unravel into a brainless mess. Nothing had a hold on my attention like the buildup he was creating inside me. I could barely process the words he was saying to me with how fuzzy my senses were. He curled his fingers deeper getting right to the root of my pleasure. The head of his cock was edging as far as it could go within me, his fingers pressed into the perfect spot, and his thumb brought back smalls swipes and circles against my clit. It was a haphazard clusterfuck of intense sensations that all culminated into a harsh orgasm that sent my mind reeling. It felt like my cum rushed out of me, painting my thighs with a deep warmth that was astounding.

I squeezed my eyes shut as my entire frame trembled. My muscles seized, tensed, and finally gave out. I fell forwards, collapsing onto the bed in a breathless heap. My lower half practically felt numb and I tried to concentrate on not passing out. It wasn’t just the physical fatigue, the mental and emotional fatigue of the entire day weighed on me in that moment. My few seconds of recuperation was cut short when Johnny pulled his fingers out of me. I felt another gush then, making me a bit confused as to how wet I really was. It definitely felt different and I could hear Johnny make some remark though his words weren’t registering. He said something else and I nodded weakly, agreeing to whatever he had posed just for me to have the ability to relax soon.

But that was definitely wishful thinking. He yanked me almost to the edge of the bed and continued his brutal fucking. I let him grip onto the back of my thighs as he huffed out growls and moans. He was swelling inside me, making me wince yet encourage him with mumbles that I thought were words. His fingertips dug into me harder and that sweet heat spread throughout my body again. I smiled and relished in the feeling of him pumping into me, slower and slower, until he milked himself completely. I laid there, unmoving and enjoying the way he felt inside me like I always did until I i lost myself in sleep.

–*

Johnny’s POV

I felt her move beneath me and there was a stickiness and sweatiness between us. I groaned as I didn’t really want to move but I needed to break away and get some air. My hand was over hers, my body curled around her, and my cock of course still inside her. It was almost perfect save for the giant wet spot we were forced to lay in because she squirted everywhere. We had both fallen asleep almost immediately after and i just adjusted her in the bed for me to have enough room to spoon her. Now everything made me feel like I needed an hour long shower. I rolled away, letting go of her hand and putting my forearm over my eyes to block out the bright light of the room. How long were we even asleep for?

She mumbled something and groaned, blinking a few times before fully looking at me. “Hey.” She sounded like she had smoked 2 packs of cigarettes a day for the past 40 years and I cringed at my handiwork. She tried clearing her throat but opted that it was too sore and winced in pain.

“Hey…maybe you shouldn’t talk…” She glared at me and I shuffled a bit away so she wouldn’t attack me.

“I feel gross. Why is everything wet? What happened?”

“What do you mean what happened? We fucked?”

“No, no, I know that. But I was so tired at the end-” She paused to rub at her throat. “I felt like half asleep. It was good though but I was worn out.” She laughed softly.

“Well, you’re welcome for that but like…do you even remember your orgasm?”

She nodded quickly, her smile beaming. “Oh yeah.”

“You squirted everywhere and basically we’ve been laying in the soaked sheets because we’re dumb as fuck.”

“Wait…squirted? No, i can’t do that. I’ve never done that.”

“What do you mean you cant do that? You literally did. Twice. The first time when you had your big one and then when i pulled my fingers out. It was like…not how they make it out to be in porn. Like not some weird super soaker spray but like-”

She held her hand up to stop me. “Please don’t describe it any further. I just…holy shit.”

I pulled out of her slowly, never getting used to that amazing feeling. It got me every time. It also sent my cum dripping out of her which was almost as good of a sight as her squirting. “Fuck…”

She wiggled a bit, a look of discomfort on her face. “What the hell?”

“We’ll now we got my cum on the sheets…” I said, partially annoyed. We really had to get them off this bed.

“DID YOU CUM IN ME AGAIN?!”

Her yelling caught me off guard. “Yes? I asked you this time and you agreed!”

“When?!”

“What do you mean when!?”

“I’m sorry if I was too fucked out and tired to freakin’ listen to you blab during sex! But you can’t be doing that! It freaks me out!!!”

“Hey, i asked to cash in my favor and you definitely said yes so I did it. It is not my fault.” I sat up slowly and inched my way to roll off the bed. “Come on. We need to get these off and I think I’m gonna take a shower.”

“Aren’t you worried at all?” She said softly.

“Me? Not really. I told you it’ll be alright. We’ve got everything covered.” It was a lie but I was blinded by how good it felt sexually and I also didn’t want to make her panic more than she already was. I told myself I’d stop after this one last time and not risk it anymore. She didn’t move and I could tell she was overthinking again. I went over to her and scooped her into my arms, holding her bridal style. “I’ll have you get the shower started while I take care of the bed. She held onto my neck and buried her face in my chest as I walked her into the bathroom, gently setting her down in the tub. “You ok?”

“Y-yeah…” She reached up and pulled me in for a kiss that I held for a long time. It wasn’t deep or passionate but more so intimate and warm. I sighed and cupped her face.

“Go, ok? I’ll be right back.”

I pulled away from her which seemed to be getting harder and harder each time. Even if it was just back into the room it felt like a million miles away. I tore off the soaked sheets, glad that the comforter was still mostly dry, and tossed them in the corner of the room. I said a silent apology to housekeeping and hoped to all hell they wouldn’t look at it directly when they put it in the wash. I padded back to the bathroom and slipped in behind her.

“Turn around.” She said and I gave her a questioning look. She sucked her teeth. “I was just about to get the…stuff out.”

“Eri, i’ve literally seen you every which way. Do you really think I care how you look getting my cum out of you?”

“JUST DO IT.”

I sighed and turned around, picking up the little motel bar of soap and ripping off the plastic. I waited for her to finish, getting impatient about being in the cold spot. “Dude, hurry up.”

“THERE IS A LOT OK? You don’t cum like a normal human being!”

“Apparently neither do you, Splash Mountain.”

‘OH MY GOD. SHUT UP. SHUT UP. SHUT UP. SHUT UP.”

I snorted and looked back at her. “Can I please get under the water now? I’m freezing.”

She switched spots with me and I finally got under the hot stream, thankful to wash away a whole nights worth of sex. My time under the stream by myself didn’t last long as Eri snuggled up next to me, her hair a soaking mess of waves that framed her face and made her look like a painting of a goddess. “Too cold. I want to be next to you.”

“You big baby.” I joked and ruffled her hair. She pouted and poked at my stomach making me squirm away. Our antics made our shower way more fun than it should’ve been, mimicking the perfect time we had in the tub before I freaked out on her. It was almost like a do over and I was appreciative of that fact. Once we were done and dried we curled up, facing one another, under the comforter. And although we were both fatigued, we stood up for hours talking about shit I never even dreamed about knowing about her. By the time the sun rose I was able to realize that one thing was for sure. I was in love with her.

–

We thought everything would be fine after that, and it was between us, but on Eri’s side things seemed to hit the fan one after the other. Their grandpa, who was back on the island they were from, fell ill. Their mother didn’t let them have a say in anything and whisked them away, making them leave school and work behind. There was a looming threat that they could be fired or even lose their financial aid which worried them just as much as their grandpa’s health. Each night they were gone we would facetime just so I could see them. I missed having them beside me whenever I wanted and it wasn’t even about the sex anymore. I genuinely found that I liked talking to them. There was never any judgement and I started to understand why certain things were important to them. Now I had to be there for them and help them stay strong even though I knew they were crumbling.

I was laying on my side, my phone propped against the wall, as I watched them cry. There wasn’t much I could do, or even say, at this point but i remained on the video. They apologized over and over for crying so much but i reassured them that I didn’t care. They let me know that it was okay when I cried and I wanted them to know the same. “I miss you..” They hiccuped.

I sniffed and cleared my throat, swallowing my own emotions. “I miss you too…you know you have to be there. It’s going to be okay.”

“He’s gonna die Johnny. I know it. I visited him today at the hospital and my mom and my aunts just keep putting this weird bandaid on it. They keep thinking he’s going to bounce back and be able to take care of the house and my grandma and he wont. He literally wont. I don’t know why they won’t just fuckin’ say it.”

“They’re scared, Eri. They’re losing one of their parents. It’s always going to be scary.”

“I know that but I hate being the only fucking rational one here. It’s driving me insane. Just look at him and say he’s going to die! He’s just going to die, Johnny. He’s going to…” They burst into another round of tears and buried their face into a pillow, muffling the heart wrenching sobs. I wish I could be there. I wish I could hold them so fucking tight and never let them go. It hurt me to see them like this.

“Baby, look at me, ok?” They moved their head up and wiped at their eyes. “When you come back here, i’ll be here for you ok? It’s going to be hard but I’ll help you get through this. And so will Quinn and stupid ass Lucas and all your other friends.”

I finally saw them crack a small smile which made me feel a little better. “I know…I-” Suddenly, someone burst into their room. I couldn’t make out who it was exactly as the video started to pixelate. They had a conversation that I couldn’t understand but seemed stressed. They grabbed their phone and finally the video came back into view. “I have to go. I-I’ll talk to you later, ok?!” Before I could even respond the video was cut off and I had my own disturbance burst into my room. I shot up in bed, looking at Jae who seemed to be distressed. Great, was everyone around me having issues at once?

“Dude, what the-” He held his cell phone out in his shaking hand and I could see a call from an unknown number going on. “What?” I asked, still confused.

“Talk. Talk now.”  was all he said.

I took the phone tentatively and held it to my ear. My body went into shock as soon as I heard the voice that had haunted me for weeks on end. The voice that made my skin crawl and make me want to vomit. What she said next drenched my blood run cold.

“Johnny, I’m pregnant.”

[softforimjaebum]

3. warm sunsets full of love

Im Jaebum x Reader

Word Count: 2.7k

Genre: Fluff (So much sweetness your teeth will probs rot)

Author’s Note: Inspired by a post made by a blog that no longer exists, this was so long overdue, but wow, I finished a series!! (sort of, let me just have my moment here). Hope you enjoy the cheesiest three part series I will ever write, and thanks for reading!

First in the series: sweet raspberry lemonade in the summer Second in the series: fleeting goodbyes and hasty kisses

Music Recommendation

Time has a strange habit of passing too quickly when you aren’t noticing. And Jaebum didn’t want to waste any more time, god knows he had done that enough. 

He had realised it during an extremely cheesy Bollywood movie that Jackson was hell bent on making him watch. The movie had said something along the lines of ‘if you don’t respect time, it leaves you behind’. He didn’t want to regret not doing this when he was so sure of it.

He had been beating around the bush long enough, wondering how to ask you, whether you would even agree to it. He know you loved him, but he still felt scared. He was, after all, only human and some days his insecurities got the best of him.

Jaebum knew he was still young, as were you. But with his work, there would always be weeks he would have to go without seeing you even if you were in the same city. He would have to go back to the dorm, sleep for a couple of hours and rush back to work, whether it was practice or the studio. He knew how you put up a tough front week after week when he couldn’t meet you, barely getting the time to text you sometimes. He knew you did that for him, so he could keep going without feeling guilty.

But he was acutely aware of things like this could take a toll on the relationship, how it could make anyone compromising as much as you did bitter about always being the one compromising and sacrificing. And it had started to take a toll on the both of you, the magic was lost somewhere between the missed calls, unanswered texts and cancelled date nights.

He yearned to be near you but phone calls and texts just weren’t cutting it anymore; he wanted you, not your texts on his phone. He wanted to watch you talking about a particularly funny part of your day with a slightly animated voice and he wanted to hear the sarcasm dripping from your voice as you told him just how much you loved and appreciated that one girl in office who had the biggest poster of Im Jaebum stuck to her cubicle wall.

It had been such a long time since he had the time to just breathe, to take a moment to appreciate what his life was now. It had been a successful year for the boys and for him, as GOT7 and as individuals. But they were all drained. They all felt exactly how they had felt before that near-impromptu Jeju vacation; the vacation when Jaebum had first told you he loved you.

Jeju would always be a special place to the two of you, and in the two years had that passed since that trip, you had often talked about how amazing it would be to go back there. And it didn’t hit Jaebum that it would be the perfect place to ask you this question that was eating him up alive until Jackson said it. 

When he admitted to Jackson how he hadn’t even thought of this and what a great idea this was, Jackson had taken his shoes off and sent it hurling towards Jaebum with a screech of ‘how can you be so dumb Im Jaebum?’. His shoes had only missed Jaebum’s head by an inch, but he wasn’t angry. Jackson was right, this was such a perfect idea waiting right in front of his eyes and he had missed it.

Jaebum had talked to the company executives weeks in advance, making sure it wouldn’t be cancelled. He had asked for time off over the New Years for all the boys, about making his relationship public, and about moving out of their dorm. While the talk about making his relationship public had only earned him scoffs, everything else had been agreed to. He planned everything; took the number of the owner whose house they had rented last time from Jackson, booked the flight tickets discreetly, arranged for his friends to take care of his cats over the couple of days he would be out of town. He had told you to pack for a small vacation, but he was adamant on not telling you where he was taking you.

“Come on baby, you have to tell me where we’re going. How else would I know what to pack? What if I pack bikinis and you take me to a snowy place?” you had argued.

“Absolutely not. You take normal clothes, and if I am taking you to the snow, I’ll pack warm clothes for you” he’d replied.

In the end, he had only settled on telling you how many days you were going to be out of town for.  It wasn’t until they were standing at the boarding gates that you knew where you were going.

“You’re taking me to Jeju?” you whispered, trying to not draw too much attention to the two of you. A mask and a hat weren’t much of a disguise but it was enough as long as no one’s eyes lingered on him for too long.

He simply looked at you, winked and then looked forward again.

Your boyfriend was impossible. You knew he wanted to surprise you, but he just wouldn’t tell you any of the details and the curiosity was driving you crazy. You had asked him over the course of the past week what he had planned, and all he had told you was that you would find out in “due time”. It was safe to say, you were already plotting your revenge.

About an hour and a half later, you were sitting inside the car, in Jeju City, on your way to god knows wherever Jaebum had planned. The drive wasn’t too long, and the car was soon pulling into an oddly familiar driveway.

You could never forget this place.

“Jaebum……” you managed to whisper, too scared to speak any louder in the fear of your voice cracking. “Did you…are we really…-”

Jaebum put his arm around you, pulling you closer and kissing the top of your head.

“I thought this would be a nice getaway place after the year we’ve had”

You looked up at him, smile so wide your jaw would start hurting any moment.

“This is wonderful. You…you are wonderful” you said, quickly placing a kiss on his lips before jumping out of the car and running inside.

The house was exactly how you remembered it to be, barring the new couch and the bigger T.V. But it felt exactly the same. You could almost hear the clattering of your friends in the kitchen, and almost see them huddled around each other in the living room while you and Jaebum were outside.

“Hey babe” Jaebum called out behind you.

You turned around to see Jaebum walking towards you and out of sheer habit you open draped your hands around his waist.

“Let me cook you some lunch” he said, ushering you towards the kitchen.

Jaebum cooked for the two of you, refusing to let you get up off the bar stool he had led you to once you were both in the kitchen. You watched him as he moved around the kitchen gracefully. Every time he looked at you, still watching him just as intently as the time before, he huffed out a little laugh and went back to work. It was probably the most adorable thing you had ever witnessed.

While the two of you ate, Jaebum told you about the past couple of weeks he had had, mostly about meeting all his friends at the year end shows. It had been such a long time since the two of you had just sat down and talked your hearts out without the impending doom of a schedule he had to leave to attend. You were still just a little bit skeptical at Jaebum’s grand gesture of love; after all, he was the least bit grand gestures in anything, let alone in love.

You had learned, after a couple of dates with him, that he was as lowkey as they came. Instead of pulling you to sit on his lap in front of his friends, his hands would just simply always linger on yours. If he was taking you out on a date. If you were sick, he wouldn’t drop work and come to your rescue, but he would make sure he got to your apartment in the evening to cook you dinner, and then without telling you, stock your fridge with breakfast for the next morning. It was always the little things.

And you liked it that way. He was romantic in his own thoughtful ways and as long as that was there, you weren’t one to complain. Fairytale romances, you had come to accept, were best left in fictional stories. This was real life, and you didn't want a Prince Charming, you just wanted someone to spend your life with.

So as skeptical as this felt, you kept your mouth shut and you enjoyed his gesture of love anyway. Your best guess was he felt awful about how busy the last few months had been, how he never had any time for your relationship, and hence wanted to compensate for it.

It wasn’t until both of you had showered, spent a couple of hours in front of the T.V that Jaebum suggested you both go outside to watch the sunset. Jaebum and you were cuddled inside a blanket you had stolen from your bedroom, courtesy of the 10° C temperature, and watching the hues of the sky turning warmer by the minute.

 It wasn’t odd; your fondness for sunsets had definitely rubbed off on Jaebum over the years. You would often find him sending you pictures of sunsets from where he was in the world, to which you would send him sunset pictures of your own. It had become a way of saying ‘I miss you and I wish you were here with me’ without actually saying those words.

Why didn’t you just say those words? Well, for one admitting just how much you missed him would only make things worse for the both of you. And you were hell bent on not making this any more difficult than it was. Your personal analogy for this situation, and for never going to visit him on tour (barring the one time he puppy-eyed you into it) was that it was like someone hands you your favourite pizza but as soon as you take a slice and bite into it, cherishing the taste, they take the pizza away and say you can’t have it again for 3 months.

Admittedly it was a strange analogy, but it got you through lonely nights without Jaebum by your side.

“You remember the first time we were here?” Jaebum asked, diverting your attention from your thoughts.

“How can I not remember?” you grinned. “You chose the near perfect moment to tell me you loved me. Im Jaebum, chic and sexy leader of GOT7, turned all soft for tiny, old me. How can I ever forget!”

Jaebum shot you a look of feigned annoyance and snickered at your comment afterwards.

“Well, dummy, not that day” he teased. “You remember our first evening in Jeju when we watched the sun set while the kids were still in the water?”

You could tell by his voice that he had gotten serious, so you leaned in to kiss his cheek, “Of course babe”

“That is when I realised I loved you. Before that it was always ‘yeah sure, I really like her’ but I saw the sun setting alongside you, and honestly, I wanted to spend the rest of my life watching sunsets with you. And cuddle you through every possible sun rise” he chuckled, remembering just how mad you had been when Jackson had once woken you up to see a sun rise.

You knew exactly why he had chuckled at the last part.

“Will you ever let me live that down?” you questioned, ducking your head down in embarrassment.

“Never” he joked, before continuing. “I know these past couple of months have been tough. So it got me thinking about something, and I didn’t know when the right time or place to ask you”

“Is that why we’re here?”

“Well, yes. I know you always talked about coming back here. So I thought it was a good place, kind of like a full circle for us”

“Jaebum, you’re scaring me just a little” you laughed nervously.

“Move in with me”

“What?”

You weren't sure if you had just heard him say ‘move in with me’.

“My three cats and I, all four of us want you to come live with us in our new apartment”

“Jae….-” you began.

“I want to come home to you, at least sleep besides you even if I don’t get to talk to you all day. You know that I planned to move out of the dorm, but I realised I don’t just want to move out. I want us to have a home together”

You paused to think; did he really want this? Or was he just tired of not seeing you as often as he would like? And even if he was tired of that, was that really such a bad thing?

“Are you sure, Jaebum? This….this is an awfully big step. And I don’t want you to regret this decision. I’ve lived with roommates and I’ve lived alone, believe me when I tell you there are joys in both. Are you sure you want to move out of a dorm with roommates who at least sleep in their own rooms into a house with a roommate who is going to be pretty much all up in your space, all the time?” you worried.

“Baby, this is the most sure I have ever been in my life” he confessed. “Believe me, I have been thinking about asking you this for a while but with how busy I was, I didn’t want to propose this and then leave you to set up what will be our home all alone. I wanted to ask you this when I was sure we could…build a home together”

You were at a loss for words. You were a whirlwind of emotions you couldn't figure out; you were excited at the thought of waking up to him, of having a home with him, but you were also scared out of your mind. You were just going  to have to trust that Jaebum wouldn’t break your heart like others had, even if every fibre in your body told you there was always a chance he could. And that was a chance you were willing to take with him. 

Unsure of what to say, you simply leaned in to kiss him. You could feel him smiling as he kissed you back, knowing that this meant you were saying yes. The sun had almost disappeared beneath the horizon, the sky having turned darker, the temperature dropping even lower. But Jaebum was right there, kissing you like he wanted to never let go, and the wind didn’t feel so chilly anymore.

“For the record, when I say I want you to move in with me, it also means I want you all up in my space….dummy” Jaebum teased, pulling away from the kiss.

You narrowed your eyes at him, slyly grabbing the blanket just a bit tighter. You huffed at him, placing a quick kiss on his lips before you yanked the blanket away from him, taking him by surprise.

“Dummy back at you” you said, grinning from ear to ear as you ran back towards the living room as fast as your cold limbs would allow.

[impertfectedchoices]

I Promise - PT.3

Prompt: In a Heartbeat Ship: James X MC POV: (Point of View): James Word Count: 1,653 Tags:

@hhiggs | @destinio1 | @marryjanewaston

Artist Comment: Holaaaaa, So, pardon the, AGAIN, long break. Life’s been kicking my WHO-LE existence 😭.

This one, unintentionally, is going to be a really emotional part. This wasn’t my original plan, but it just… kind of happened. The past two months have been pretty hectic, and I’m really trying my best, But when you go through bs, it seems like you’re alone. A quote I’m gonna be using in this pretty much sums up what I’m going through. And I feel like it fits in this fic too well. So, I hope this comes across well. While writing this part, I actually cried, like, semi-broke down 😭. This hits a real personal note to me, and I hope you guys understand it. So, FAIR WARNING! I’m trying my best to not look at the situation, but how I’m going to get out of it. And your “now” won’t be your “future.” Anyone can come out of a crappy situation and thrive. You just gotta go through the storm. And all that sappy stuff, lel. 💕

PS, This, as well, was on a whim. No planning, drafting, or prethinking about plot before I write…. just gonna try to spot all the spelling errors this time 😂

le’Enjoy!

•

8:01pm

It’s feeling like elephants are sitting on my chest, since getting back to the car. I’ve never, necessarily, had problems with my breathing being under control. But sitting here; watching the car lights from main road dance across my windshield, I find that I’m constantly reminding myself to take breaths. The more I force myself, it seems, my breathing gets more shallow. I’m repeatedly feeling on the inside, each attempt to grasp at anything stable. I’ve always been able to zone out, and let my mind center on my sane points. But, as of recent, there’s nothing to feel. Numbness has replaced any form of joy to my life, leaving me a drained form of myself.

From the library, past… past MC’s house, to the highway that took me a few miles away from Hartfeld.

Familiar roads allowed for the holes to appear slowly into the wall I temporarily built up, within a 30 minute time span. I parked, went inside and felt the anxiety creep its way back in. My mind tried to put itself back together, but seemed conflicted with the storm’s leftover mess that wasn’t letting up. Every time I attempted to collect my emotions, regain what stability I believed consumed my existence, something happens to throw my progress out the window to clean, discard, and replace. One fall after the next.

My hands were still, wrapped around the wheel. Never leaves, but tightens every so often. I could feel myself tense up, veins more visible, and the white peaking through from the grip I’d had. I needed to focus on something, Anything.

There’s like… maybe over 30 cars in the parking lot.

40?

Just turned red…

Counted off 5 cars turning right at the light.

…now 6,

7?

Yea, 7.

Turned green.

White… Toyota

Um, think it’s a Camry.

The left side’s light always seems to last lo-

• knock, knock •

Now, just realizing the knocking happening next to me, I’d subconsciously whipped away any traces of emotion left on my face to greet who it’d been. To my surprise, I was greeted back with a less then stable face bundled up in her jacket. Unlocking the door, Abbie walked to the passengers side. I opened the door for her, as she climbed in, with semi-urgency. “W-wow, it’s a lot colder than I thought I’d be today.” She said with a bit of a stuttery smile. It had been getting colder since fall started creeping in, but the temperature rarely came to mind, with everything else taking up room. I tried my best to disguise any strain that I’d been feeling earlier, to save face. “Yeah, falls been catching up on us.” mentioning with a halfhearted smile. As I began fiddling with the knobs; turning switches to adjust the heat, she cleared her throat before she began breaking the silence again, “James,”

Looking back up, her face, almost immediately tensed up. Actually looking at her, you could tell she’d been worn out. She looked as if she’d been crying, and her eyes grew puffier the more seconds passed by. Abbie seemed very resilient at times. But in this moment; just like everyone else, I was stunned to see her so weakened. “Abbie. MC’s going to be oka-“ “Don’t lie,” The cracking in her voice was low, but audible enough to ring throughout my head. “James, ?Kaitlyn and Zack told me everything. I went to meet up with everyone, got inside and… and everyone was just, falling apart. Chis pulled Tyler to the side. And I’ve, I’ve never seen him look so broken. Zach couldn’t even look me in the eyes, and Kaitlyn could barely get enough words out without breaking down mid sentence…” The more she spoke, the more the reality of the situation sunk back into me. “…They told me you left, and that’s not like you. So I had to find you.” She’d been turned directly to me, eyes swelling. Looking down at my steering wheel, my hands at some point fell back into position. Feeling myself tense up, still forcing myself to control my breathing enough to speak, “I just, it was hard for me to stay in there for much lon-“

“JAMES, THAT DOESN’T MATTER!” Wide-eyed, My eyes darted back up to her. Her face had gotten a hint redder than normal, and her expression was drenched with frustration, annoyance, worry, and concern. She had been trying to do what everyone felt was impossible; break through the walls I built up when placed in these circumstances. I understood what she was trying to get accomplished, but of all moments, now wasn’t the time. “Abbie,” Attempting to bite back any amount of sternness in my voices, I continued, “… I know how your feeling right now, this isn’t easy on me either. But the last thing we need to be doing is losing it on each other.” It seemed like everything I was saying, though, was just fueling the fire. “What an excuse. So is this your way of ‘solving the situation?’ Running off and hiding in your car?” “No, but staying in there isn’t going to make it any better.” “So, what is staying locked up in here is proving? All I see is someone running away from their problems!”

I could feel every ounce of me radiate irritation. It was getting harder to swallow it. “So do you truly believe I don’t care about MC? Really?” “If you did, you’d be in that room waiting for her! You already took her for granted before, and to think I thought better of you James. I had high hopes, but she’s given you way too many chances for you to get your act together… and you just SIT HERE! You may have had a lot on you plate, but she’s literally given every chance to fix her schedule to make time for you. And all she can get is a few texts, Time you give her for newspaper club meetings? You literally stand her up to work on some dumb paper when you knew she’d been sick. And no apology? Nothing?”

I’d still been staring at the steering wheel as she spoke. The more she yelled, the tighter my grip had gotten. What she didn’t understand was that this was literally killing every inch of my being inside. It felt like I was falling in this hole; ever since Vasquez passed, plummeting. Im just ready to hit the bottom, look at the distance I have to climb, and start climbing, but there isn’t a bottom. I just keep falling. It never ends. This constant torment doesn’t seem to have an end. And I just want it to be over. Everything emotion warped around in my head together; anger, fustration, sadness, guilt, irritability, brokenhearted-ness, fear, heartache, pain. It all reeked in my body, consuming me as all I could hear in my head was yelling. Abbie’s voice faded out, and all I could here was my subconscious talking: It’s your fault, you should’ve been there, you did this, where were you, she needed you, you weren’t there, your no good for her, she’s wasting her time, your taking her for granted, she deserves better, let her go…

“God James, I would thought you’d learn better from everything you put her through. Even with Vasq-“

BEEEEEEEEP!

“BE QUIET!!!!!”

I slammed my fist into the wheel instinctively. I needed the voices to stop, the agony to stop, I just needed to be able to hear thoughts that were my own. She jumped, looking shocked towards me. She didn’t expect such a response from me.

“Be quiet, be quiet, be quiet, it’s not true… it’s not true. I care… I care, I swear.” I’d kept repeating this to myself, extensively tight clutch on the steering wheel, hunched over it.

“I care, I swear I care about her… I love her so much, God. Please, make her okay, i swear I’ll do better I care I care I care She means the world to me she does I need her”

I kept repeating it, over and over again. I needed what I believed to overpower what was going on in my head. But I didn’t have the strength to keep up the facade. They were right, it was my fault. She’s been so stressed because of me. I didn’t deserve her, I should have been a better partner, a better friend, a better boyfriend… I didn’t notice Abbie grab me from my stance and held me. She had been the one consoling me this time around. The hold I had over my emotions just gave out. It felt as if me as a person broke, shattered for the first time, as I was left to face my emotions, instead of disguise them.

“I’m so sorry, MC. I’m so fucking sorry, I’m sor-ry I’m so- I’m so-rryyyy.” I couldn’t hold it in anymore. Dropping my face into my hands, my heart wrenched and I dissolved in myself. Shaking, all I could do was replay what she’d told me, making my soul call out for her more;

”I’m fine James, it’s just a small cold. Nothing I… *sniff* can’t handle!”

”I’ll be okay James, I promise.”

”Geez, so mushy.”

”… but I love you too, my darling.”

•LAST •NEXT

[arigathanksgozaimuch]

fly me to the moon.

genre: fluff, angst. character/s: im changkyun | reader. overview: you didn't realize changkyun was being dead serious when he said he was going to get you a planet. word count: 3072.

You met Im Changkyun on your very first day of orientation at the space station. Donning the dark blue jumpsuit, you almost mistook him for an engineering technician if not for your immediate supervisor, who later on introduced you to him. Changkyun said there was a very noticeable spark in your eyes the moment he introduced himself as a "space traveller", but you argue that, actually, you were rolling your eyes. And it was love at first sight.

Or, at least, that's the version you and Changkyun tell your friends and family whenever they ask about the story of how you two met, because the real version was far too embarrassing.

In reality, you met him within your first week at the space station. Changkyun became your proof that, indeed, light travels faster than sound, because the first thing you noticed is the barpin attached to the left side of his chest. Astronaut, the pin read. And for a science geek like you are, astronauts were the Einsteins and the Newtons and the Galileos of the modern age. They were, to your standards, at a god-like level. And it didn't help that your father used to be an astronaut. You've met astronauts before, of course – you recognized even some of them as your father's colleagues – but nothing could ever compare to the feeling you've had after meeting one for the very first time in a long time, and it just so happened that the very first astronaut you meet is Im Changkyun.

For your first week, you've heard all sorts of things about him – about how he was around your age, only older; about how he was an aeronautics genius, having qualified for the position when he was only nineteen; and about how he rarely ever talks to anyone, despite knowing almost everyone in the station. And while you see him sometimes around your department, you remained in your own orbit of endless paperwork and debugging.

Being fairly new on the job, you were the object of all menial tasks that your superiors wouldn't want to get their hands on. And, wanting to prove that you bagged the position based on your credentials and not your last name, you stayed behind the first few days to be able to keep up with the backlogs left behind by your predecessor. You felt proud of yourself, knowing you were surrounded by people who understood the real nature and significance of your line of work – that is, until Friday night when everyone had rushed home even before the clock struck five.

The entire floor was silent, except for the occasional sound of the printer from another office and the tapping on the keyboard as you were finishing up the codes for a test project. Solely focused on your work, you didn't notice how the machine from next door stopped in the middle of a printing job. You only realized this when Changkyun brought the printer to you himself.

"Hey," he said, making you almost jump in your seat from surprise. His eyebrows were furrowed behind his glasses as he looked down at the printer cradled in his arms, like a father bringing his sick child to a doctor. "You know stuff about printers, right? Could you help me out a bit?"

Standing up from your seat, you noticed wires trailing behind him. "I'm sorry, you must be in the middle of something," Changkyun continued. "It's just that everyone's gone home and I can't find anybody else but you to help me."

"It's okay," you managed to croak. Although slightly annoyed that he thought you could fix all computer hardware problems being a computer scientist, you let it go, convincing yourself that he didn't really have anyone to ask help from.

As you flip the printer over and open the cover, the boy behind you looked on with curiosity. Light travels faster than sound, because Changkyun looked smart until you heard him ask, "Do you know where cows come from?"

"Huh?" you asked, peeling your eyes away from the printer you were disassembling and looking back at him.

Changkyun wore a straight face when he replied, "From the Milky Way," as if he was expecting you to laugh. You only blinked back at him, confused, and carried on with fixing the printer. It turned out that he only ran out of ink, and assuming he was doing loads of paperwork, you guessed he would need more, so you gave him handfuls of new ink cartridges. After you taught him how to replace the cartridge, the astronaut went well on his way, lugging the bulky machine with him. It was only when he left that you realize he was telling you a joke, and a bad one at that.

So Changkyun himself debunked your own view of him as someone you should idolize, because the next few times you saw him, you realize he is actually a kid in a man's body and not the god you've made him out to be. He had swivel chair races with his fellow astronauts on their free time. During lunch, in a tray full of glasses of orange juice and iced tea, he was the only one who asks for a carton of milk. And every single time he would pass by you, he never failed to tell you a joke which was, most of the time, godawfully space-related. Sometimes his jokes were too scientific you don't even understand them. But, still, Changkyun persevered. He was determined to Google all possible jokes in hopes of finally making you laugh.

The day it did happen, Changkyun wasn't even joking. He brought you along with him, for "part two of your orientation", on a loaded spacecraft that was ready to disembark at any time. As he was busily tinkering with the cupboards, which he called space cabinet, one of the doors hit him smack dab in the middle of his face, taking him by surprise. The look on his face was too much for you to handle, causing you to burst out laughing. And it shook his soul down to its core. Because this, he realized, was a black hole he was never getting out of.

When you calm down a few seconds later, you exhaled deeply. "To be honest, I've never been inside a rocketship before," you said, taking small, careful steps and fighting the urge to touch the controllers.

"Yeah? Why would it be weird? A lot of people have never been inside a rocketship either."

"If you consider the fact that my dad was an astronaut, then yeah, it's pretty weird."

Changkyun's eyes widened. "Your dad was an astronaut? Why didn't you tell me before?"

"Well, he's pretty... well-known for being an astronaut."

He gasped. "Is your dad Neil Armstrong? Or Buzz Aldrin? What Apollo mission was he in?"

"The Apollo 21," you whispered, causing Changkyun's excitement to quickly die down.

"You mean–"

"The rocket that never launched, yeah."

Both of you grew quiet afterwards, and the silence inside the spacecraft was deafening. It ached to be even thinking about your dad again, and although you knew working in the same space station as he did would only make you remember him more, you knew it was the closest you could ever get to being with him again, so who were you to pass the opportunity up?

When your gaze met Changkyun's, you saw him open his mouth, as if to say something in consolation. But you didn't want him to feel bad for bringing the subject up when, really, it was something you've grown to accept. So you tried to bring the mood back up by saying, "Hey, do you know which planet keeps remarrying?"

The boy immediately turned to look at you. "Huh?"

"Saturn," you replied.

This caused the left corner of Changkyun's mouth to twitch. "Right, because of the rings," he said, letting out a tight laugh. With a wave of his hand, he motioned for you to follow closely behind him. "Well, that was a nice attempt, but can we both agree that I'm the only one who can do the jokes from now on?"

"Whatever you say, space boy," you responded, shaking your head in disbelief as you followed him out of the rocketship.

Pretty much everyone in the station assumed you were dating, so it wasn't a big deal to be actually dating Im Changkyun. Dates with an astronaut weren't all that different compared to dates you've had before with regular college guys. More often than not, you dated over work, especially on days he didn't have aircraft training. He would drop by your department and always manage to find an excuse to stay.

"I don't understand a single line of code. Can you please dumb it down for me?" he asked as he burst through the glass doors of the office, bringing with him folders of the printed source code of the latest robotics experiment.

You narrowed your eyes at him. "Did you just waste ink on that?"

Changkyun's eyes widened at your accusation, and he clutched his chest as he gasped. "Me? Waste ink? Just so I would have an excuse to come see you and flirt? What do you think of me, the best boyfriend ever? I'm offended, [Y/N[," he said dramatically, clicking his tongue against the roof of his mouth in disapproval.

In fear of getting scolded by your superior, you rolled your eyes and got on with the task, anyway, laying out the code line by line. Your boyfriend, who was acting as if he didn't develop the software himself, knew when to nod and hum in approval to make it seem as if he were learning something completely new.

Once you were done, you frowned after seeing Changkyun staring at you intently. "What now?"

"Nothing," he explained, making no move to gather his papers. "I just noticed how you sound so hot when you talk smart."

His remarks earned him a slap on the arm, and as you shooed him out of your office, you made him promise not to come see you there, in fear of getting reprimanded.

So instead of the office, dates were conducted in the station's observation deck, especially during Friday nights when you were the only two left behind in the office. But for this random night, however, you were surprised when Changkyun came a little more prepared. In his casual clothes, he led you out towards the deck, which had a good view not only of the city but also of the clear, night sky. Thinking it was the same as your previous dates, you were taken aback after seeing your favorite snacks atop the blanket laid out on the floor.

"What's this?" you asked, already halfway through kicking your heels off and settling into a comfortable position on the floor. "You didn't do anything bad, did you?"

Your boyfriend was quick to defend himself. "I did not!" After a short while, though, he added, "Not really."

You frowned, patting the space beside you for him to occupy. He took his shoes off and crawled behind you, spreading his legs far apart enough for you to settle in between. "Bad news?"

He nodded, handing you the bags of snacks he brought. Resting his chin over your shoulder, he gave your head a reassuring peck. "But tell me about your day first."

"You can't tell me you have bad news and then ask me about my day," you sighed, turning to look at him.

"Finish all the snacks first," Changkyun said. "And then I'll tell you."

He had a stern look on his face, so you knew better than to disobey, even if your curiosity was killing you. You obliged, popping each snack open one by one, as he constantly asked you questions to keep you talking about your day. Once you finished, you pointed at the empty wrappers on the floor by your feet and looked back at him. "Now, can you please tell me what's going on?"

Changkyun hesitated, but made sure not to look into your eyes when he said, "They're sending me off on a mission."

"Do you want one?" he asked out of nowhere.

You frowned. "I thought I finished the last one?"

He flashed a small smile. "Not the snacks, silly," Changkyun said, squeezing your hand and, after a while, added, "I meant the exoplanets."

"I thought they're sending you off to the moon?"

"They are," he assured, glad that you had your back against his chest and your gaze fixed on the night sky so that he didn't have to see the sad look on your face. "Just... there's no mall in space. I want to get you a present for when I come back. There's no signal, either, so I won't be able to answer your calls to tell you I'm coming home for dinner."

"You're not even coming back," you replied, voice breaking by the end of the sentence. And suddenly you were eight again, watching as your father packed his bags and listening to him talk about how his trip to the moon is going to be like, as if it were as simple as a trip to the park. Twelve moons, he said, and twelve suns – that's how long you were supposed to wait until he returns. But thousands of moons and suns have come and gone and he was still nowhere to be found.

"I will," Changkyun protested, holding onto you by the hips so he could force you to face him. "Thirty-one suns and thirty moons. By the thirty-first moon, I'll be right here with you, I promise."

"Promise me."

He frowned. "I already said I promise."

"No, promise me with something else."

"Ya– weren't you listening? I already told you I'll get an exoplanet for you!"

You were crying by this point, but the look on his face was too funny that you couldn't help but laugh, so you let out a few giggles, sniffling afterwards. "You're just saying that to cheer me up."

"I am, and also to assure you I'm coming back," he said, using the pads of his thumbs to wipe your cheeks. "Now give me a name. Make it sound less complicated, okay, not like the usual 16 Cygni Bb crap they've been calling planets these days."

"What about Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious?" you tried, fixing your composure because you know you can't be selfish enough to ask him to stay for you.

His eyebrows furrowed. "That's a mouthful."

"You just said not to make it sound too technical."

"Fine," the boy huffed. He wiggled his shoulders in an attempt to be cute and spread his arms out wide. "Now come kiss me, I'm upset I lost this argument."

So you did, peppering his lips with soft pecks. And when Changkyun pulled away from the kiss, he wore a mischievous grin across his face. "Ey, you kissed me! You like me, don't you?"

"Shut the hell up, space boy."

The day of Changkyun's launch, you held him a little closer, a tad bit tighter. You only stepped back when people from the media made their way towards him to ask him a few questions. Trying not to cry, you pulled yourself together and also pulled him towards you for the last time before he left.

"I'm not gonna die, mom," he said, voice so soft and warm that it made your eyes water a little.

"I know, just..." you sighed, swallowing the lump in your throat that threatened to rise as you squeezed both his hands. "Just come home for dinner, space boy. I'll be waiting." And before your tears spilled, you stood on your tiptoes and kissed him.

It didn't take long before he had to go, with the rest of his crew almost dragging him towards the ship. You made sure you stood by the spacecraft with a fire extinguisher on hand, because if there was one thing you were good at, it was at never committing the same mistake twice, and no launchpad failure was ever going to cost you another loved one. Heartbreak for you came in the form of a countdown, and you held your breath as the rocket launched. The ship skyrocketed to the heavens in a matter of seconds. And it was only when the station received transmissions from the spacecraft that you were able to breathe again.

For an entire month, you felt like a lost astronaut drifting aimlessly in space, anxiously waiting. For an entire month, you became a proof to Einstein's Theory of Relativity, because every single day felt like a century. So to distract yourself, albeit momentarily, you focus all your attention to work, trying to get as many projects as possible done by the end of every shift. This technique seemed to work well for you, because you mixed up the thirtieth moon with the thirty-first sun after pulling an all-nighter at the space station.  

With your head over your mouse pad, you woke up to someone shaking your shoulder. Knowing it must be the maintenance personnel again coming to wake you up so they could clean, you waved it off and turned your head the other way. The shaking continued however, which caused you to groan in irritation.

"Please just let me get ten more minutes of sleep and then I'll go, I promise."

"Houston, we have a problem," the voice replied, and you know exactly who it belonged to. You would recognize this voice even if it were lightyears away. And as you were frozen in place, he continued, "I know you asked for Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious..."

The grogginess left your mind as you lifted your head up and glanced behind you. And there, sitting on the swivel chair, was your space boy holding up a certificate with a small golden seal on the bottom right corner. He looked distraught, as if he had been told that the Earth was actually flat.

"...but I was only allowed to name it Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious II. Is that okay?"

In your happiness, you jumped at him, immediately wrapping your arms around his neck as you pepper his face with kisses all over. Changkyun stumbled back, surprised at the sudden weight, but managed to find his footing as he leaned back against one of the desks.

"Welcome back to Earth, space boy."

[katsudekuheadcanons]

some ...angst anyone?

can we have a scenario where Izuku just ACCIDENTALLY brought up the bullying case to Katsuki while they are fighting (bc my bby cinammon roll is in too much hurt cause bakacchan kept shouting at him) 

——-

They’re at it again.

And they’re yelling over something stupid.  They can’t even remember how it started, or who said what first, but they can’t stop. They won’t stop, because that’s how their arguments always go.

Katsuki is wrong. Izuku is also wrong. They’re both in the wrong, but they keep yelling, because until they’re sick and tired, and can’t look at each other anymore,  they won’t stop.

Katsuki is closing the space between him and Izuku then, as he raises his voice louder. “ …And you act like its not a fucking problem! ”

Because it isn’t, really.

“Why should I?? It’s not anything you need to be worried about!  Why are you getting so angry??” Izuku presses his brows together and he inches himself toward the other. Their faces  are close,  they can feel the tense air between them as they glare into each other’s eyes.

Breaths heaving in annoyance and distress, they continue to stare each other down. Katsuki being unable to hold his anger well, opens his mouth again.

“Are you dumb, Deku?? Are you seriously askin why I’m angry? ”

And he reaches a hand out– he grabs onto Izuku’s wrist, and he regrets it right away, when he sees the sudden horror that forms in the latter’s green eyes. Because thats fear written on his face.

No, he doesn’t want to scare Izuku. Even if he did take his wrist, it wasn’t going to be to hurt him.

It isn’t bad intentions at all. He just wants to hold onto Izuku– Hold onto him tightly so he can’t run away. So they can argue their way through this dumb misunderstanding and pretend like it never happened, or laugh about it later.

“S..stop Kacchan!” Izuku snatches his wrist back and moves a few steps back.

“Deku–”

“Why are you acting this way- what were you going to do? Knock some sense into me like before?”

Then his mouth shuts instantly, and its his turn to feel regret. He swallows hard and suddenly his anger is gone. It dissipates faster than the blink of an eye, because Katsuki is just staring at him. There’s a hint of saddness and something close to realization painted all over his face. “K-Kacchan I didn’t mean-”

“So you think I’d do that? ” Katsuki isn’t yelling anymore.  Just speaking softly, more to himself than his boyfriend.  “You really think I’d throw a punch at your fuckin face..?”

“No. Kacchan, I didn’t mean that. I didn’t mean to say that.” Izuku’s voice is pleading, and it only becomes more weary when he sees tears beginning to wet Katsuki’s cheeks. “Kacchan, please-”

“I see. Okay. Whatever.”

Izuku is begging him more, hoping he can erase what he just said, but Katsuki is ignoring him,  brushing him off while he puts his shoes on.

Then he leaves.

  And Izuku is sitting alone in the house now,  going through the argument that just happened, in his head.  Why did it start?  How did it escalate this far? Why would he say something like that?

Because he knows Katsuki. He loves Katsuki. He trusts him. So why did he draw back in fear? And why did he bring up the past?

Izuku hates himself more than anything right now.. he doesn’t know what to do but wait for Katsuki to come back. He has to eventually, doesn’t he? They live together. They argue all the time. Its just what goes with clashing peronalities, doesnt it? So Katsuki will come back. And Izuku will mend things.

But he doesn’t come back. Not until at least 4 am, anyway. Izuku had made his bed on the sofa, waiting for his significant other to return.

When Katsuki walks through the front door he looks at Izuku before going straight to the bedroom.  He’s tired, hes stressed, he’s cried all self hatred and anger out,  so he’s ready to talk to Izuku when he wakes. Of course, it occurs faster than he thought.

The sound of the open and close of the doors in the house stir Izuku enough to wake him. And he sits up rather quickly, searching in the darkness for the familiar face.

“Kacchan..” His voice is soft, when he enters the room, and Katsuki lifts his gaze from his hands to the other. Izuku keeps his distance, while he watches. “..Kacchan..I’m really–”

“Deku. I’ve thought things through.”

There’s silence between them. Its only a few moments,  but to Izuku it feels like an eternity. “..We should break up. ”

Suddenly everything is going blurry. Izuku blinks his eyes once, trying to clear his vision–blinks again, because its still all a blur. When he blinks a third time, thats when he feels the hot tears start spilling down his cheeks and he realizes that he’s crying. 

Katsuki is avoiding eye contact as he speaks.  “Clearly we don’t trust each other as much as we thought.  I don’t blame you.  I hurt you so fuckin bad before. I thought you were crazy for even wanting to date me. I thought things could really work between us.. But you made it kinda obvious today that there’s still distrust and uncertainty.  So.. yeah. We should just end it now. There’s others that’re more deserving of you. Todoroki likes you.  Mirio does. Iida, might.  You got an endless list really. So do you really need me?”

There’s more silence. Katsuki is rubbing at his neck slowly, keeping on his ‘cool’ act. Though he can only manage to keep it up as long as he looks anywhere but at the one before him.

“No.. No,  Kacchan, please..” Izuku says between sobs. His hands are up against his face, so his words are coming out muffled. “I don’t want you to leave-I don’t want to leave you! I’m sorry for what I said,  I don’t know what made me say it!” He coughs a bit,  before continuing. “I love you. I trust you-  I didn’t mean to hurt you.. when we argue, sometimes I can’t help but remember back then. And it isn’t because I don’t trust you,  its just out of habit.. and when I said what I did.. It was stupid.  I’m stupid!” He shakes his head pulls his hands away from his face, finally looking at Katsuki. “Im so sorry.. I’m an idiot..”

Katsuki is watching him now. And he’d be a huge liar if he said it didn’t hurt to see Izuku crying like that. He can’t help but think he’s taking things too far, but despite Izuku apologizing now, he had to have meant what he said.  He doesn’t have the trust Katsuki thought he did. He’s afraid that Katsuki will hurt him. He thinks Katsuki will turn back to what he was.

“..Sorry, Deku.” He says. “..I just think it’d be better to stay apart.”

He leaves it at that.

Izuku continues trying to talk to him–trying to make things right.  He has to fix what he broke, because surely this isnt going to be their last fight. Katsuki is only saying this because he’s upset. They’re going to fix it– Izuku is going to fix it.

But days start to pass, and they don’t see each other.

Katsuki took majority of his things and left. He’s staying with Kirishima, and despite Izuku’s efforts to talk to him, there’s no luck.

Weeks pass.

There’s not a moment when Izuku isn’t thinking about Katsuki, and vice versa. Izuku is starting to lose hope, starting to think that its really over.

  He’s sitting on his own in the living room one evening, when he hears a knock on the door. He stands himself up,  expecting Ochako to be there because he had invited her over for a bit. ( Anything to help get his mind off things.)

But when he opens that door and looks,it isn’t her.

Izuku’s eyes widen slightly, tears starting to fill them.

Katsuki is standing there, bag slinging over his shoulder. He’s looking down at the ground, trying to figure out what words to say.

“Deku.” He adjusts his stance,  before glancing up finally.  “…Deku, I’m sorry.. I was being a bastard by ignoring you. I love you … do you wanna take me back?”

Izuku isn’t wasting another moment before his arms are thrown around the other.   He’s letting out a sob,  as he buries his face into Katsuki’s chest. “D-don’t apologize-  its all my fault!  I hurt you and I’m the one who should be sorry–”

“Shh..” Katsuki lifts a hand up and sets it into the curly green locks,  stroking them gently.  “We both were wrong.. and.. After takin time to think about it,  I realized if you’re still feelin afraid it isn’t your fault.. you’re doin your best.  And that just means.. I gotta try harder too. We’re gonna get better.”

Izuku nods,  sniffling. A small smile forms on his lips and his voice is muffled.

“Okay, Kacchan.. okay… I love you. I’m sorry..”

“Me too.. I’m sorry and I love you too.” Then he kisses the top of his head.

[sightofsea]

this is rly dumb and there is the HUGE chance im going to regret this but ok

basically when i was 15 i wrote an approx. 200k OC doctor who fanfiction featuring a kind of half self insert/half attempt to subvert mary sue comapnion stereotypes named jenna quigley. and ive been thinking about it more lately like the general storyline bc like. idk. n i figured i should write it out.

i should mention this is all 11th doctor era bc i was a huge fan at that time, and it takes place between that time he leaves amy n rory to when he does his farewell tour bc i wanted to try n add some canonical irony that ill get to later

so basically its all narrated from jenna pov as kind of stories she’s telling to the tardis database via recording. why, we don’t know yet. she;s. ok so in the plot she was from our universe n was an AVID fan of the show which like tacky i know but whatever. she starts out 15 and in basically my house and neighborhood (this fic started from a constant daydream i would have of going on adventures w the doctor bc i was a nerdy 15 yo so like. sue me) and there have been a disturbing amount of disappearances in the surrounding area that local police are stuck on. so everyones kinda afraid to go out into their own homes and at one point, jenna is doing something out in her backyard and actually witnesses one of the abductions, but is surprised to see the kidnapper looks like the silence, aka the television show shes been watching. she thinks shes going bonkers. her family leave her alone for the day to go to a thing for one of her siblings and she’s just kind of ruminating on this event when--lo and behold, an officer arrives at her door.

and jenna, she’s very skeptical about this guy. like, given recent events she doesnt trust her own eyes. and the guy is...off. like his badge n credentials, if she concentrates, looks like something else for a flash of a second, and for some reason the figure of him is kind of hazy whenever jenna tries to look directly at him. he is shown to have a quirky, friendly demeanor n jenna figures well, i gotta tell someone about what ive seen, so she invites him in. they have a brief chat n its obvious to the reader that this guy is someone VERY familiar (mostly due to my bad writing at the time) and jenna begins to explain what she saw and how its like this one show she watches, and this guy suddenly becomes very very interested in this before realizing he’s got it all pieced together and asks for jenna’s help in navigating the area to find what is, ultimately, a silence space ship.

jenna agrees and over time realizes this guy is most definitely connected to something in the whoniverse and originally believes he might be a time agent bc that seems more likely given their number as they travel to the ship. its also revealed that the officer has brought jenna along bc the key thing about what she saw is that she actually remembers the silence and can see past perception filters due to the qualities of alternate universe, slightly alternate brain chemistry and so on. its not exactly perfect--she can’t get through perception filters rly, especially good ones--but its enough to know something is wrong n remember certain things others from the dw universe might not be able to like the actual silence aliens themselves.

anyway they make their way to the ship, which has come through a massive tear in reality that the officer came through. in the fic lore i guess tears are seen as usually benign things meant to leak ideas of universes into other universes as a kind of waste disposal system, and as a side effect create inspiration in those who are close to them. this tear, though, became too big, kind of like a leaky pipe, and actual material was able to get through by keeping a frequency from both ends of the tear as a kind of safety rope. and to maintain their energy as a stranded ship the silence have been using humans as batteries. i put a lot of thought into this, i know.

SO once theyre in the ship the “”officer”” (we know who he is by now lets just face it) and jenna are captured n separated. jenna is held hostage and it is revealed she is a part of a second half of the “silence will fall when the question is asked” prophecy which goes “the unexpected shall follow the guided task” (i loved rhymes) which is further revealed to the be the following: change the timeline and destroy the doctor. and jenna, being jenna, is like “listen u guys i dont even know the guy so uh failed step one i guess”. she’s saved by the “”officer”” in the nick of time through work of faulty electrical work (like? i know its for style but the silence have all those lights on the floor n it is VERY dangerous) so the whole ship is blacked out n she hears the differently pitched speech patterns (”why do u sound all different” “they took my equipment nevermind lets go”) and after doing some work to reverse the frequency and basically make the ship implode back into its original universe they run back to jenna’s home in the dark, seeing as she was out for quite a bit. her family is conveniently not home yet n decided to hang out with some friends. and when she gets back n is finally in the light SURPRISE!!! turns out the officer was the doctor all along in disguise from the silence using a perception filter. 15 year old me was a literary genius.

n u might think hannah this is rly long is it done now and of course it isnt!! that was just the intro!! after the initial shock jenna kind of parses what era the doctor is from, which is pre-silencio but after finding out about it n in that 200 yr stretch that was never rly shown. and jenna’s like, a whole season ahead of him basically and knows all this stuff and is trying to engage with this guy she’s a huge fan of without like accidentally spilling the beans on his future. she sits him down to explain the whole tv show thing n lets him watch an episode while she goes to her room to pack like clothes n her laptop because its not every day the doctor just flies in and she’s 15 so shes like hellz yeah im gonna be a COMPANION not even THINKING of the consequences in terms of the multiverse, the prophecy and her family (she does leave a note but its self centered n kinda lame tbh just like be back whenever). afterwards she walks the doctor back to the tardis and is like so where we gonna go n the doctor looks at her like jenna you are a literal child im not taking you anywhere and jenna though some MASTERY of writing that was basically hey look over there! and doing it anyway sneaks into the tardis when the doctor isnt looking n becomes his stowaway.

for the next few weeks she just kind of chills in the tardis with this fear that the doctor will immediately bring her back home so might as well have fun and kinda sneaks around him and keeps couch hopping from room to room. the tardis does not like her one bit due to the whole different universe funky energies thing (and this was pre-clara and i really wanted to see a companion the tardis didnt like so) and has multiple conversations with it via the interface hologram which meant i could write cameos for classic companions and write the tardis as a character bc i was a nerd.

SO after weeks of casually avoiding the doctor eventually she gets caught by him and hes not happy about it so shes like well ok then send me home n then she gets the real kicker which is the tears all mended up. after the material was put back in place it went back to being benign n too small for anything to travel between. so jenna basically stuck in this foreign universe with a very slim chance of returning back to her old life and her family and friends and she mistakes the doctors anger at the situation for anger at her so shes like basically im all alone here oh god n has a crisis n has a dramatic run off into the bowels of the tardis hallways

eventually the doctor finds her and they bond over being kind of the last of their kind in a way and he takes a kind of fatherly role and is like well youre already here and im miserable on my own so why dont we two birds one stone it n just go on adventures for the time being and takes a kind of fatherly platonic role with jenna bc i was sick of seeing companions hook up with the doctor and was confused as to why they wanted to hook up with him (spoiler alert: huge lesbian)

so they set off on their adventures. the first one was about the doctor and jenna accidentally boarding a ship of genetically engineered soldiers called evos being shipped off to a galactic war and finding out some of them had rebelled and had been camping out in the ships underbelly. they had no mouths but were able to communicate via sign language n empath touch powers of transferable memories. the captain was a bitch who didnt see the evos as living things n eventually in a stand off either offered them a chance for the other, still podded evos to live and for them all to live a horrible life or have the podded evos be ejected into space in return for them to have a chance to fight for their freedom. the choice ended up coming down to jenna, somehow, i think, and she chose freedom and cost the lives of like 200 evos but were able to get the ones they were able to save (about, like, 100 i think) to safety and create their own civilization away from harm on a distant planet and their success and triumph to live their own lives i guess canceled out the fact that jenna played a part in the deaths of 200 beings. it was. i dont even know 

the next “episode” after a brief interlude of less impactful adventures and discussing mortality was a sherlock crossover episode that im too embarrassed to go into detail about but did reveal jenna’s newly formed abandonment issues due to her stranded in a strange universe situation and the fact she had a self harm problem that, surprise, mirrored mine. her n the doctor went on some more adventures over the next few months that were mentioned in passing. it should be noted that this first “act” i guess takes place over a solid year

the next episode featured river song bc i was gay for her without knowing it and i had just learned about easter island in history class and i decided to expand on one of the adventures said in passing during the series to kind of root my fic in canon bc i was a smarmy bitch. it involved being perceived as gods and the silence and using the flesh as a means of luring villagers to be used as human batteries and also putting a percetion filter on the ship so what was actually a crater was perceived to be a mountain. through this episode we saw the doctor again facing his own mortality, river sitting jenna down after a series of events pieced together her abandonment issues n harm problem n being like you cant rely on the doctor for this alone trust me i know its fun but when it starts ending it wont be. jenna gets kidnapped again by the silence n is reproduced as flesh to try and steer the doctor n river away from saving the day but overcomes that impulse and eventually pulls herself out of it and helps save things.

this episode also imports an important plot device of misplacement, which i shouldve put in earlier if im honest. the basic idea of it, within the fic lore, was that the universe, multiverse, whatever had to compensate for temporal displacement all the time when choices were made, but when big things that would alter history happened--like a giant supposed mountain blowing up 200 years after it had already blew up--it had a fail safe to transport the object causing the harm to the exact place but in a different time where the event would have less of a temporal impact. theres also an important note here where the doctor doesnt recall jenna being with him on their first adventure together. both are setting up the larger plot.

after the deal with the kidnapping and the flesh and all their adventures the doctor becomes kind of protective of jenna because i mean the dude also has abandonment issues like lets be real. so he kind of tones down the danger in fear of jenna dying or getting hurt. i mean, its been a year and theyve kind of become these friends who snark at each other like a family would and its nice that jenna has this person she can trust because she watched the show and like, knows him and knows his tells and calls him out on his bullshit before he can even get started and feels a kind of responsibility for due to the prophecy she was given and the doctor has someone to talk to and someone he also doesnt have to hide from really because she already knows almost everything. theyve been equally protective of each other--jenna keeping the doctor in the dark about the prophecy about her and keeping mum on the fact that she knows he isnt going to die, and the doctor worrying about jenna’s safety and trying not to screw her up like he has past companions to kind of try to atone for his past mistakes and make it up to this girl whose life he kind of unintentionally ruined. ok honestly idk why im getting in depth but i spent. years on this fic you dont understand

so. after a while jenna just kind of calls the doctor out like come on lets at least go somewhere fun and end up spending christmas eve in new york in the forties and befriend this newly single mother and jenna fakes a REALLY BAD accent to get across that her n the doctor are related n poor to gain sympathy. they do all the things she wants like times square and macy’s, where surprise! she sees amy n rory n their son and just kind of like. guides them away from the doctor like guys. this aint ur guy. and it would fuck EVERYTHING up also hi i know your guys’s entire life story, cute kid, etc. they give jenna some advice dealing w the doctor and she tells them that she’ll try her best to make sure he doesnt like, go self hating n all that bullshit n they part ways. her n the doctor meet up again and throughout this whole first part jenna’s been noticing people following her? with like, these weird orange-y eyes. and she thinks like fuck ok this’ll ruin the adventure, maybe theyll leave but they end up starting to go after her and reveal themselves to be a species called the visicheck

after escaping and dumpster diving because the visicheck hunt based on scent, jenna and the doctor start heading towards the single mother’s place for refuge (she had seen their situation n offered a place to spend christmas eve) and on the cab ride over the doctor explains that the visicheck r these ancestors of the family of blood, and basically are lifeless specks that latch onto living things and possess them until they burn them out and move onto the next one. they consume what is the basic energy a thing needs to exist and be alive, and for different species there’s different levels. lets say a dw universe human is ur basic ten on the scale. because of different circumstances in different universes, jenna is basically a 120 on the scale. like, these things could possess her body and use it for centuries to wreck havoc with the kind of energy she holds. and jenna, thinking about the prophecy of changing the timeline and also not wanting to basically be the living dead is like yeah ok fuck this is bad. 

they find some brief refuge in the single mothers apartment for a time and enjoy a lovely christmas eve dinner but eventually the visicheck catch up to them. the doctor escorts the single mother n her kid into a cab to get as far away as possible while jenna is just supposed to keep holed up in the apartment, but things arent so easy and they end up breaking in. she’s able to hit them over the head with a pan n kind of stave them off for a bit and heads for the roof, but is eventually backed into a circle. knowing the visichek can’t possess something that is dead and not wanting to potentially endanger the universe just to keep her life jenna jumps off the building in a dramatic fashion that i wrote to play with the carol of the bells because i thought it was cool, and you know what? it was. it really was.

and so jenna dies

at least for a bit

she wakes up in the tardis, rly confused because like, she died. like she knows she did. and the doctors not speaking n acting all broody and she finally gets the story out of him that after she died (posted as an anonymous person in the newspaper, i should note, and put in an unnamed grave to keep the whole “written in stone” thing in line) he kind of. went off on his own for a bit before rly hating himself for letting jenna die right in front of him and went back to catch and save her before she landed, therefore altering the events as it happened. and jenna is...not happy about this. like, one bit. because, in a twist of fate, because she is both living and dead the universe must compensate by going to misplacement, but jenna can’t fully complete the misplacement “”process”” i guess until she is in the exact location she is misplaced from, only different time and all, and in this case she’s in the tardis which almost always has its shields up, so she can’t even complete that bit. so, as explained, the universe will start the process over whenever the tardis decides to fly off again, and send jenna to a different time within the tardis’s general vicinity.

basically, she’s gonna be stuck hopping around the doctor’s timeline. like, all of it, until she finally meets up with the right doctor who knows her n has been past this point. which could take years for her. and, mind you, the task she was “assigned” in the prophecy was to change the timeline, and as a result destroy the doctor. so this is basically jenna’s worst nightmare, and she finally spills the beans about the prophecy in a fit of anger before trying to say goodbye and being whisked off

and this is where the angst stuff happens

basically, for the next year or so (when i rewrite in my head its two years, makes more sense) jenna is thrown around one end of the universe to the other, trying to stay out of the way of the doctor’s events while also trying to, you know, survive and eat and drink and sleep. she’s basically a homeless vagabond for most of it, and her abandonment issues and self harming kind of escalate. she begins leading a really lonely life, and grows this kind of love/hate relationship with the doctor where she really hopes to see him again but also grows bitter against him for putting him in this situation. she visits companions before their time with the doctor, like donna, by accident and stumbles through meeting them and trying to just keep going. in her loneliness she starts talking to a version of the doctor in her head, which starts taking more and more of a form to her before its a fully grown kind of hallucination she’s created out of loneliness (which was kind of based off of me being a lonely kid and having pretend conversations with characters to simulate human connection which is. sad. i know. really sad. its a lot). 

for a time jenna is stuck with the doctor and martha during the months leading up to human nature/the family of blood, and inadvertently meets martha and gets a job at the school as a fellow maid through helping martha drag the doctor to the place. she figures its the only stability she’ll have for a while and since she was never shown in the show it isnt rly affecting the most important bits of the timeline, and resolves to stay as far away from john smith as she can and just live out her life until the events of the episodes start happening and she’ll vamoose. she adopts an accent to blend in and when she has free time finds the stashed away tardis, which initially does not recognize jenna as a companion until finding archived recordings from the future bc duh its a time machine, which brings the whole pov thing full circle, and interacts with the interface to get answers about her growing questions about the silence and her situation and learns about a device called the cage, which has been alluded to in previous “episodes” only by name, as a great machine created by the silence that is meant to basically make it so that anything inside of it would be erased for existence, past present and future, using energy form the cracks in the universe. this was still at a point in the actual series where we knew nothing so i just kind of went buckwild.

anyways

jenna ends up having to interact with the tenth doctor as john smith once, and kind of aims all of her bitterness towards her future self at him and realizes that isnt fair, apologizes, and has a cathartic moment of finally moving past a grudge with the wrong version of the doctor. eventually the events of the episodes start happening and she vamooses before getting sent off to god knows where again, yippee

eventually through the next year jenna kind of begins to rly lose hope. like, it’s been a year already, she doesn’t know if she can keep living like this. so she makes a deal with herself to wait out until the end of this second year of time travelling vagabonding before she decides to off herself to save herself and the universe the trouble. 

she keeps going through the motions and actually stumbles upon a future, post-silencio doctor, with rory and amy in tow, and in a fit of like oh my god relief she kind of runs up to him and is like i found you, finally, holy shit n the doctor looks at her like im sorry but i dont...know you? like i genuinely dont know who you are. you might have ur timelines all switched up. and jenna knows this isnt true and freaks out and kind of just is like, theres like fifteen days until the deadline, all hope is lost, gonna just completely self destruct n cuts her hair and stops eating, but on the day of the actual deadline she keeps stalling as she zaps from place to place before finally deciding to end how it should end by jumping off a building n she has this heartfelt convo with this imaginary figure thats kept her company all this time

so she makes the journey up this apartment building in this basically abandoned future...chicago, i think? yeah. and you know, is about to do when whaddaya know, a familiar voice is calling out for her. she thinks its just the hallucination but eventually realizes that its actually the doctor, one that knows her, and they have this really heartfelt hug before she punches him square in the face

after the fact is a lot of secret keeping on jenna’s side. she doesnt want to be a burden and just kind of wants things to eventually get back to normal after a period of just resting finally and lies about her time being thrown around the doctors timeline, telling him it was only a few months instead of two years, and hiding the evidence of her self harm and other forms of self destruction to try and get things back to the way they were. the doctor can see through jenna’s bullshit though and over a month of just kind of chilling in the tardis and getting better she eventually tells him and after being pulled into an adventure with alien bees and a prison break and characters very much based off of the captor brothers from homestuck they kind of find their original rhythm

the next adventure was the one where i stopped writing mostly bc the plot absolutely sucked. it was a beach adventure episode, involving aliens and aliens who were mermaids and being stranded on a remote island. also, at the time i was going through a sexuality crisis and decided jenna was gonna go through it too and made her realize she was gay for one of the alien mermaids and totally made out with her. you can see how the plot was failing a bit, and the only thing i dont regret is the whole mermaid makeout thing really. 

the rest of the series from that point on was supposed to go something like this: jenna has to go back to her old high school, except in the dw universe, and finds out she actually doesn’t exist in this universe??? which is weird. the doctor plays teacher and they live in the prop attic of the school investigating a counselor that literally feeds off of emotions until the students are a husk and die. there was going to be a filler where the doctor and jenna start the doctors farewell tour (it is revealed when they finally find each other at the end of the timeline jumping debacle that the doctor has like two years left until silencio happens, with like a hundred years passing between new york n finding jenna) and the doctors mortality is discussed and jenna begins to wonder what happens to her since she isnt at the event or anything going forward, and begins to worry about the prophecy again.

the finale of jenna’s adventures was supposed to go like this: they end up tackling the silence again, only with the help of the cage, after jenna notices the doctor beginning to forget more and more things about her. they get captured and the silence plan to place the doctor in the cage and eradicate him from existence so that the question to be asked never existed to begin with. i hadnt figured out how yet, but basically jenna would finally click everything together and realize it was her destiny to do this, and even had a better chance since it eradicated her from this universe, and she still had a life in another one and could maybe start over and appreciate her family and friends a bit more, and would pull a switcheroo so that she would be put in the cage and slowly eradicated from existence. from that point the silence ship would kind of go haywire from the power being used by the cage and jenna would drag the incapicitated doctor back to the tardis and saying she has to go record something real quick, and then we dont hear from her again.

last scene would be of the doctor, years and years into the future, during one of his alone periods, sifting through the tardis database and happening upon the archived recording files and listening to them, not remembering exactly but living through these events with a person that was there but also never there to begin with, and the last recording being an actual face recording of jenna saying you know, she doesnt regret a minute of it, go out there and have a nice life and dont feel bad for her before saying goodbye and zapping out of existence.

last “scene” i guess would be a fifteen year old jenna, rather than the 18-19 year old we’ve come to know, waking up the day it all started and realizing she accidentally napped through the whole day when her parents wake her up. it seems apparent she doesn’t remember a thing, but her parents say something offhand that wouldve been a prolific line and she has a sense of deja vu and hints towards her someday maybe remembering but also having a chance to live a life without the trauma of her life lead in the other universe

+

so uh yeah. idk why i decided to write all of this. actually i do i have an essay i have to write but. idk this fic was a huge part of my life for like. a good amount of time and despite its tackiness im actually very proud of it and just wanted to share its story without having anyone ever have the link to it and read it because despite my careful planning i did narrate like a superwholock for most of it and it was REALLY annoyin. but this fic and the character of jenna actually helped me work through a lot of my own bullshit and im still kind of in love with it. and in the years to come actually m*ffat fucking used these plot points like the tardis hating the companion n the doctor forgetting about a companion like years after i wrote this shit but i think i wrapped up the cracks in the universe n silence thing pretty fucking well so uh. petition for fifteen year old me to rewrite the last half of season 6 i guess. anyway its 2 in the morning and i just wrote honest to god a full 5,000 words about my doctor who oc fanfiction so uh. yeah. fuck.

[lovenerdywinnerbouquetfan-blog]

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I know that it depends on the make and model of the car, but I just want to know the average price.""

My friend has no car insurance..?

He was driving and its raining outside so the street is slippery. He braked and avoid hitting anyone but it didn't help. He has no car insurance and just hit a car right now. What happens when you have no car insurance and you hit someone's car? I don't think the person will sue, but will my friend have to pay damages and a ticket? Any jail time or suspended license? Anyone experienced that? I know its illegal to be driving without insurance. This is in Florida. Help me out with some good advice or suggestions. Thanks.""

Applying Health Insurance with High Blood Pressure?

I have a question. If I have high blood pressure, will insurance company reject my application instantly? I am 24, male. I am just worry about this HBP, so I am trying to figure out how to apply for a health insurance. Also, my income is kind of low, is there any benefit I can count on in California(Alameda)? Thank you for answering my question""

Affordable student health insurance?

I am a college student in Maryland and I need affordable health insurance. I don't qualify for the one through my job because I only work a few days and I go to school full time. I applied for state insurance and I was denied that.I ve looked online and everything seems pricey for me. PLEASE ADVISE!

Financing a car and someone els pays for insurance?

If I'm financing a car can someone els buy me full coverage and pay for it? . (Car being under there name for insurance yet under my name for the car payments with the bank)

Is there such thing as temporary car insurance?

My grandparents are coming from montreal and staying for a couple months. I was told by my grandfather that I could use the car they drove down in while they are staying with me. Seeing as I'm not apart of their insurance policy, is there any way to purchase temporary auto insurance? I doubt it exists, but I guess its almost like renting a car and buying temporary insurance. Im confused can someone help?""

Does anyone know an insurance company that offers cheap/free SR-22's for license ?

need it to keep my lic. valid. ASAP... help please!

Heallth insurance for the self employed?

I need dental and health insurance for an affordable price. I am unmarried.... what can I do? who offers it? how much will it cost?

How much is automobile commercial insurance?

Vehicle insurance

How much would auto insurance cost?

I am going to be driving soon (I am 15) and I'm looking into buying a car/truck. I would like to know how much it would cost for me to get insurance so that i can drive soon. Thank you!

21st Century Insurance ?????????????

Is 21st Century good auto insurance. I am on my dads auto insurance. I pay 250 a month for a 03 dodge durango. So I am going to be shopping around in 6 months. I have progressive auto insurance.

""A good car for 2000, Cheap to run but not bad looking.?""

Right as the title suggests. I am looking for a new car which is a cheap insurance group (7 max) and a cheap tax band. theyre would be leeway on the right car. Now it has to be good looking i am a 23 year old bloke and don't want to be driving anything boy racerish equally anything which is quite old looking! If anyone can help, many thanks :)""

What is a medical insurance deductible?

What is a medical insurance deductible?

Car insurance for young drivers?

I was wondering what insurers provide the most favourable quotes for an 18old male like myself? The cheapest car insurance quote I could get was 2262, on an independant insurance website. The comparison websites are useless, I just get results of 3000 or more. I am asking if I can get cheaper than this figure? or should I just selttle for 2262?""

What to do if someone doesn't want to use car insurance to pay for accident but pay privately?

Someone just rear ended me. There are deep scratches on the bumper. He has car insurance, but doesn't want to use it. I got most of his information - driver's license #, car insurance info, ect. What are the steps I should take? My car insurance company said I have to call in and report accidents as soon as they happen. Should I do this in case he doesn't follow through and pay me for repairs? Should I go get an estimate right now, and have him send me a check?""

Health Insurance and Lost Wages?

I'm going into surgery for my meniscus being torn during a skiing accident. However, I am a waitress and will not be able to work for at least 2 months. My employer has told me that I will have my job when I return, however I seem to be at a loss as to what I can do to try to recover lost wages.""

What insurance companies do cheap van insurance for young first time drivers?

I'm 18 and have a 1.3 Vauxhall combo

Do car rental companies ask for proof of insurance?

Here's my circumstances, I'm 22(have credit card in my name) and am going to rent a vehicle. I had insurance for 4-5 years, have never been at an at fault accident and have one speeding ticket, so I'm a pretty good driver, when gas was near $4.00 I traded in my vehicle, and it's fine as I bike everywhere as it's all close to me. I'm having family over for a couple days and need a car though, it's easy to drive around town, I'm almost 100% sure I wont get in a wreck, but I have a feeling the insurance would be more expensive than the rental itself which is ridiculous for someone with a driving record such as mine. Can I say purchase just liability and then sign something that says I'll pay for the rental if I do any damages, what would be the cheapest way to get out of this?""

Does anyone know where you can purchase GAP insurance for your car if your auto insurance doesn't offer it?

I bought a 2006 auto a couple weeks ago and when I called my insurance co. to add it, they said they could add GAP insurance, too. (which I need) Now they are saying they can only add it to a NEW car, not used. Anyone know if I can purchase strictly a GAP policy to cover my car? I don't want to switch insurance because of discounts having my other car, homeowners, etc. through them.""

Where can I find drivers programs that will help me lower my car insurance rates?

I am a high risk driver. I am 20 years old, and would really like to lower my monthly payments. Could you please tell me of any programs in Kansas or national programs that I could participate in that would lower my insurance? BTW, idk if it matters but i get my insurance thru dairyland.""

If my camera is in my car and it is stolen will my auto insurance cover it?

If my camera is in my car and it is stolen will my auto insurance cover it?

How much would car insurance be for me? I'm am 16 years old and get overall good grades.?

Some other things that might help are, - 16 year old Male - It will be under my parents credit/name ( They have Allstate ) - I would be driving my dads 2004 Ford Explorer (Once in a while his 2011 Nissan Altima) - Like I said, overall good grades - I live in Tooele Utah Please give my positive answers! Thanks!""

""What happens if you have health insurance through your job, then have to get new health insurance?""

If you have health insurance with your employer then quit, how can you get new health insurance with your new employer because aren't they going to see all your pre-existing history from your old insurance company?""

DMV proof of insurance?

ok so im 16 and i live in california the dmv wants proof of insurance for my drivers test, my dad added me to his policy but the insurance card says his name on it but im included in his policy so can i just show them the card with his name on it?""

""I live in California, my 7 y/o daughter does not have health insurance, healthy families...?""

is not accepting applications anymore. we are a low income family and qualify for low cost medical, that does not cover doctor visits or prescriptions, where to apply for health insurance.""

Why my car insurance coming so expensive?

I am in leeds and thinking of buying a car but when i am searching all comparison websites its coming about 1000 pounds a month. I have 3-4 yrs expierience in driving in USA and i was paying there like 30 pounds per month. I talked with insurance company and they are saying that because i just came to UK as well as have international licence its coming that high my car comes in group 17 of insurance. Any other solutions for these? if people are new here i dont think they are paying these much every month Please if you know any good agent who can reduce these let me know. Else can i take insurance from usa or my home country India?

Have any 19 year old male's managed to get their car insurance under 2 grand in the past year or so?

If so, what company were you with? On my mum's suzuki wagon the insurance quote from aviva have been ridiculously high, but I managed to get one for 2 grand with a 50% drop in price next year due to no claims, the cheapest i've managed so far. Anyone with experience know where to go or if it's possible to get it cheaper on a vauxhall corsa?""

How can I get my insurance CSR 440 certification?

I would like to pursue a career in insurance adjusting

If you rent a budget truck will my insurance company insure it while im driving it?

If you rent a budget truck will my insurance company insure it while im driving it?

Affordable student health insurance?

I am a college student in Maryland and I need affordable health insurance. I don't qualify for the one through my job because I only work a few days and I go to school full time. I applied for state insurance and I was denied that.I ve looked online and everything seems pricey for me. PLEASE ADVISE!

How much will the Insurance cost me for A 1999 Mitsubishi Eclipse ?

I am 17, and I was thinking about my first car, and I've been doing some research and I love the Mitsubishi Eclipse and I can afford to buy one since $1000-9000 is in my price range, I found a perfect 1999 Black Mitsubishi Eclipse is great condition for $6,999, but since I'm a new driver insurance will not be easy but I don't want to take full coverage I just want PiP. Anyone that works at an insurance company that could help or anyone who knows how insurance works answer my question.""

Carr insurance with 2 years clean driving record?

I am planning to buy a used car my Driver liscence is 2 years old with a clean driving record i am wondering will i have to pay a lot of insurance or just minimal based on my record and DL. Please suggest which is a cheap insurance option

How much are geckos i found one for 7.00. at petco i thought they were a lot more money.?

a while back i went to petco and seen it. It was a bright green gecko. it looked like the one from the car insurance place and it was like 3-4 inches but it was 7.00 so i was just wondering.

I need help understanding Health Insurance Deductibles?

Ok, so I'm going to get health insurance and I'm Having a challenge trying to understand the deductible situation. The Health Insurance I'm looking into is Blue Shield of California and they have many plans, and it seems that the prices get a bit higher when the deductible gets lower. What does the annual deductible mean? Is that the amount that I have to pay off first before my insurance can cover me?""

How much would insurance be for a 2012 Mazda3 for a 17 year old?

okay 1st dont tell me anything about what i shouldnt get because i donnt give a ****. it's not a sports car. its the cheapest mazda car & i like it & all i want to know is what the insurance might be .. i need good insurance companies & an actual price range .. please no paragraphs about non sense (: & im a male if that helps (: & YES I CAN AFFORD IT !

Female car insurance companies?

does any1 know any good cheap female car insurers?

""Im 21years old,male with a mazda miata 2001. My auto insurance to too high. where can I get cheaper insurance?""

Im 21years old,male with a mazda miata 2001. My auto insurance to too high. where can I get cheaper insurance?""

Whats the best car to get to make your insurance cheap as possible?

I turn 17 next month and start my job this month, so i'll have money spare, so i'm thinking of getting a car, but i know insurance can be really expensive, so i was wondering what car is best to keep the cost of insurance down? Thanks for answers :)""

Do you think i could get a used car and insurance with under $3k?

i really need a car to get around, i have full time job, n part-time student. It's getting to my nerves that whenever i need to go somewhere, i have to ask my brother or sister to take me. Yes i am a student 18 yo, i don't have much money, and my parents refuse to buy me a car, reason because my mom said insurance is too expensive, and she doesn't give a shitt about me. Do you think i could get it anywhere? i was thinking about buying the car 1st then insurance later on because i can't afford it. idk what should i do?""

Car insurance?

ok well im 16 and a male. my mom just bought me a 2007 lexus gs for my bday. i havnt gotten in any accedents, so i wanted to knw how much my car insurance would be. my mom said she spoiled me enough by giving me the car, so she wont help with the insurance.""

Price Would Car Insurance?

I have like no idea how everything works.. what would be a good starting car to just start driving in? im 17 soon and ill be going for my driving lessons soon.. and i want to know what the sort of insurance prices would be for an 18 year old..thanks x Sorry if i talk too much lol.

Why wouldn't you call your auto insurance company when you have collision and comprehensive coverage?

My impression is that they're worried about their policy rates going up, or maybe they don't have auto insurance? But why not take advantage of your auto insurance whether you end up pursuing the claim or not?""

How much will my car insurance be? 17 year old male?

I have been waiting forever to hear back from the insurance company with my quote and it got me curious on how much the average is for a 17 year old male who does not have the best grades but has a clean record and never been in any sort of trouble. I understand you cant know this from just guessing but I was just looking for some estimates so I had an idea on how much to safe for. Thank you to who ever answers!

Im losing all my teeth & I cant get insurance anywhere!!!!?

I am only 22 years old & I noticed all of my back teeth slowly breaking away about 6 months ago. I went to a clinic & found out I have a bad infection, next to no enamel & serious gum disease. They gave me prescription & that's when I found out I had no medical insurance. I never got the meds. because I could not afford them. Since than it has gotten so much worse. I am a single mom of 2 young boys. I pay my own Rent phone electric & everything else with a next to nothing paycheck. So at the end of the month I am left with Nothing. I went to the welfare office & was turned down because I make more than 400$ a month. My job doesn't provide dental but this infection has spread so fast that I don't have 1 tooth that's not infected & the only ones that can even still be saved are the top 4 in the front. I don't even remember what it feels like to eat solid food & I have tried everything to get health insurance..but I have no $ left over @ the end of the mouth. I feel lost. Does any1 know of anything I can do? This is painful in every way.& I think it is crazy that I can not have dental insurance because I have a job. I cant quit my job to save my teeth. My fronts probably have less than a month b4 they start to chip away from the gum line...& I am out of options.""

WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN LIFE INSURANCE & GENERAL INSURANCE?

WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN LIFE INSURANCE & GENERAL INSURANCE?

94 firebird formula v8 insurance rate?

I'm turning 16 and I am getting the 94 firebird out of the garage. how much do you think it will cost for insurance for me? and how much do you think it would cost under an adult insurance rate?

How much would 21 yr olds pay for car insurance with no credits?

How much would 21 yr olds pay for car insurance with no credits?

Car Insurance for teen?

I was wondering how much my car insurance would be... I am 18 and just about to get my license and am buying an old nissan. I live in west virginia. any ideas?

Cheapest car insurance companies for boston area?

i am looking for a cheap insurance company my husband is buying a plymoth grand voyager tomorrow, a family pleasure driving only vehicle. what comapnies in the boston,cambridge chelsea, area is the best and cheapest?""

Car insurance quotes?

About how much would car insurance cost for 16 year old teenage driver in florida. The car would possibly be a 2005 convertible.

Would insurance cover it if i get my teeth bonded?

my teeth are chipped pretty badly, and it's causing me a lot of discomfort. i've had them sanded before to smooth the chipping, but they're already little. would insurance cover this? (united healthcare)""

How much will my car insurance cost for 16 year old girl in possibly a ford taurus?

I'm going to be 16 and obviously I'm a girl. I might end up driving a ford taurus. But it's not decided yet. I'm going to put on as a secondary on my car and them my moms dodge grand caravan and my dads dodge dakota. Secondary on all. How much will my insurance probably cost? Would it be smarter to just be a primary on my car and not even on anyone else's car or would it be smarter to just be a secondary on my car? Or a secondary on all? Thanks

Insurance?

If Im 17 and have my license, can I drive my friends car with insurance? or do I have to also have it?""

Auto insurance for teen questions?

okay so for my 17th birthday (when i get my G2) i want to buy my own car. I've done a few quotes and found Im going to be paying practically 10k per year...more than the cost of the car! however, if i was female it would be like 4k. would it work if i had the car registered in my girlfriends name and the insurance in her name, but i paid and i always drove it. if i was pulled over i'd just say Im boring my girlfriends car? is that legal?""

Does Navy Federal require full coverage insurance on auto loans?

First time using an auto loan to buy a vehicle and I have never had full coverage, always just liability. I cannot afford full coverage insurance. Would I need that to get a loan from Navy Federal Credit Union?""

Affordable student health insurance?

I am a college student in Maryland and I need affordable health insurance. I don't qualify for the one through my job because I only work a few days and I go to school full time. I applied for state insurance and I was denied that.I ve looked online and everything seems pricey for me. PLEASE ADVISE!

Can insurance companies access your bank account?

My freind got in a car accident and now he is being sued. He has small investments in mutual funds. Can the other oarty insurance company access his bank accounts and investment and find out exactly how much money he is worth? Other than that he doesn't own a house and doesnt have a car or any other type of assets. He is currently not working right now.

Cheapest car insurance in florida?

I know insurance is very important, but I simply do not have the money right now to get a good plan. I have a minimum wage job, and I need to go to work and I need a way to get there. So I need the cheapest plan I can find. At least for now. These premiums are up to 500 a month and I really cant do that. Anybody know of a cheap cheap CHEAP car insurance company?""

Can i put my car under my dad's insurance even thou its registered to me?

My car is financed but the insurance rates are thou the roof! im paying over 475 a month for full coverage, can i have my dad add it to his policy as a second car and still have it registered under my name? Will the finance company find out? will this be possible?""

Car accident/insurance.?

Okay, three days ago I got into a car accident, I drive an SUV and the other party drives a Toyota Camry. Save for a few scratches on the bumper, my car is fine, the other woman on the other hand says she can't open her door and the front right light and part of the bumper is damaged. I told her I would cover the damages if we could keep this from the insurance companies. She agreed, but is now saying she is in pain . No one called the cops and she was at fault, I CAN NOT afford to have an accident on my rec as I'm only 18, what to do? I said I'd pay as my car is fine and as a thanks for staying mum. Now shes called her insurance company and claims she got an estimate of $3,600 for the car and medical.""

Will a wrecked car make my insurance go up?

i am looking at buying a car. carfax shows it was in an accident and only reported minor damage. will MY insurance go up if i'm driving a car that has been in an accident before?

Calculate the insurance costs.?

Calculate the insurance costs. a. What would be the premium for a twenty-one-year-old single man who owns his car, purchasing insurance in the amount of 10/20/5? $___ b. How much would it cost him to purchase insurance in the amount of 100/300/25? $___ c. What is the difference in cost? $ ___""

Buying a motorcycle and driving without insurance in ontario?

I was considering to buy a motorcycle in ontario a cbr125r, and if i do make the purchase and drive without insurance, how much could i be fined? and im 18 and i would be considered to be a new driver, how much does motorcycle insurance typical cost for a year?""

""Car insurance for young male drivers, its cheaper to drive without it and pay the fines!?""

I really dont get it, car insurance on a 2000 plate 1litre yaris is over 10,000 - YES 10K! I do live in manchester, which is the most costly post code to get insured in but 10k is just a joke for a 18year old. Ive done it all correct too putting 1000 annual milage e.t.c So ive read online about how much people are fined when they are found driving without insurance and its about 200 on average. I know it can go upto 5000 but thats still cheaper than shelling out for insurance and your chances of getting caught arnt really high the way i would do it. Get a car, insure my dad on the car so it doesnt flag up on the police cameras when you drive past, drive to and from work only, and say the car is parked at work (nice postcode to get insurance cheaper) over night. which i can say it is my brother takes it on his night shift there. And if i do get caught i will say i took it without owners concent. TWOC the police call it. I just cant get it into my head at why the government dont do anything about insurance it kind of pushes people into breaking the law. And i would use public transport IF it didnt take me 4hours to get to and from work a day! ""

Insurince on a Corvette?

I want to buy a 1974-1983 corvette I am 19 and have a perfect driving record Havent even be pulled over how much whould insurance cost on one I also live in Indiana

Insurance through my work...?

Well im 19, and I just got a full time job through the city. Theyre wanting me to fill out their insurance papers and get on theirs, but im still on my dads insurance which is better coverage. Im covered on my dads until im 26. Im just not sure if I go on the cities what will happen to my coverage with my dad if it will just cancel me or if I will be on both or what. Idk. The cities insurance is free to me too so that isnt a factor. Thanks!""

""USA, health insurance. when you are 56 & cannot afford health insurance, is that a death sentence?""

doctors & hospitals in the US will not help unless you have insurance. so if i have cancer or any sickness, am I left to die.?""

Can you drive your parents' car without insurance?

Im 17 years old , I live in California and my parents have AAA insurance and I have my Driver's license. is it true that you need permission from them in order to drive?""

Motorcyle prices?

IM thinking about buying a crockrocket. What are the average monthly payments.......ball park... And also, what is an average montly insurance payment?""

""Does your car insurance go down when you turn 25? If so, how much...?""

Does your car insurance go down when you turn 25? If so, how much...?""

Are there any well known and reliable insurance companies in Florida that provide homeowner's insurance?

Seems that every insurance company is leaving Florida.

Car insurance????

I am trying to find cheap car insurance..... Do you know who had the cheapest? I am a 21 year old female and the car is a 1998 Oldsmobile cutlass

Are 2 door cars higher insurance? even if it is a hatchback?

the car im planning to get is two door, a hatchback and is a 5-seater. how much higher is insurance?""

Car insurance quotes: What is car trim?

I'm trying to get some car insurance quotes in which one of the questions is asking for the trim of the car, with the options E Match or S Help?""

Cost to insure sport bike? Ninja 250?

I'm 18 in WIsconsin. Live in country-ish area. Or how do I find out? Call our family agent? Or just the insurance company.

How much would my car insurance cost?

If i were to leave my parents insurance plan, how much would it cost me for insurance per year or month? I am 18 years old with no accident records, no criminal records, and a drivers ed discount. My car is a 1997 Plymouth Breeze with 150k miles and its red. I still live at home. If someone is in the same kind of situation can I just get an estimate...I think this covers everything that effects car insurance for college students, and I don't have a good grade discount. Oh yeah, I am on Liberty Mutual insurance under my fathers plan.""

Should I still be paying full car insurance ?

Hi, my car was recently in an accident that was the third party's fault but my claim is still ongoing. My car has been written off and is in the third party's salvage yard. As ...show more""

Driving without car insurance.?

Im 17, I have had my license for 2 months and my uncle gave me his car and i was wondering if i could drive it because he is still paying for the insurance on it, but I dont have any insurance of my own.""

About how much will it cost to insure a 2012 Ferrari California or 2012 Aston Martin DBS Coupe?

I recently found out that I am going to be inheriting close to $36,000,000 (after all of the government fees and estate lawyers fees and everything else). I have always wanted a Ferrari or Aston Martin. Please don't say if you have to ask you can't afford it...as stated I am inheriting a lot of money and can easily afford it. I just want to know how much the insurance will cost me for planning purposes. I am a male and will be 20 when I get the money (and then the car)...it is going to apparently take between 9 and 10 months to get everything done for me to have my money. I have a good driving record (been driving for 2 years) and am a student and live in California (Orange County normally but for school I will be in Provo, Utah...studying to be an Accountant :] ). So knowing all of that, approximately how much will it cost me to insure a 2012 Ferrari California or 2012 Aston Martin DBS Coupe?""

What car can i get that will be the cheapest insurance a month?

Hello I'm 18 I'm a male and I live in Cleveland Ohio I was wondering what is the best car I can get with the lowest insurance a month? And what is the best car insurance for first time drivers?

How can i get cheap auto insurance in texas being 20 years old?

im 20 years old and im finally getting my own truck but I don't really have a whole lot of money so I cant pay an outrageous price for auto insurance. liability is fine with me but what is the cheapest I can get.

Affordable student health insurance?

I am a college student in Maryland and I need affordable health insurance. I don't qualify for the one through my job because I only work a few days and I go to school full time. I applied for state insurance and I was denied that.I ve looked online and everything seems pricey for me. PLEASE ADVISE!

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/my-sons-car-totaled-insurance-company-offered-us-very-eulah-rosenda"