#something about two traumatized people for whom the intimacy of mutual understanding is more important than the intimacies ofr

[dandelion-wings]

saw a "fandom + Onion headlines" gifset where one headline was "Platonic Tension Simmering Just Beneath Surface of Romantic Relationship" and that's. Kaeya/Rosaria. to me

[i-hope-youre-hopeful]

Several paragraphs about me trying to figure out why I’m such a sexual person when I feel so guilty about it all the time but phrased like a philosophical essay so as to avoid anyone actually understanding what it was about

Let’s continue, if you don’t mind. Father, I want to love and be loved so much. I want closeness so badly I’m willing to risk my wellbeing and then some for it, and although that is somewhat normal in people my age it isn’t right, especially for someone who knows full well what the consequences could be. I am scared of what I’ve done and what I will do. I thank you that I met him, and that you’re teaching me and growing me through all this stuff I’ve been going through. I am so afraid of everything. Let’s not get carried away, let us deal with the main issue for right now. The rest is for another day.

Why do I want this so deeply?

There are two aspects: the physiological and the psychological. Within the psychological there are nature and nurture. Within nurture there is internal and external forces. Within internal forces there are natural and there are traumatic. Within external there are media influences and sociological influences.

Now, physiologically, I may have a higher production of testosterone than some. This could contribute. I am also healthy and stable and at a prime age to be exploring and growing. My brain is a little behind developmentally, so this could be a physiological response to my brain just now reaching an age of needing to discover identity and test boundaries. For this reason it is perfectly normal to taste and see for oneself what is and what is not good for them. It is okay to be confused and to be learning. This stage is an experiment. It is also important to note that frustration is quite normal at this age when there is little to no stimulation toward the end of preventing aggression, so for the body to seek out means of aggression prevention is also entirely normal. My body knows no better than that, at this age, I should be engaging in what will determine my future. Biologically, it makes sense.

Now, what makes less sense is in the psychology. Let’s break the causes down.

Is this strictly about the physical? Of course not. One can rightly pretend that it is, but the very fact that this torments me so much proves it is not only physical, but emotional too. What I want is not to feel good only. I want to see a physical, unavoidable, unmistakable reaction that indicates that I am making someone else happy. I want to physically see in a manner that someone can’t help but be honest about showing that they are pleased with me. This is held up by how deeply I enjoyed what I did in the end, in spite of receiving little gratification from it for my own part. I want validation that I am pleasing to someone. This is likely because making people happy = avoiding conflict, stabilizing a given situation, and bringing joy into a relationship = me being happy. Although I try an unhealthy amount to ensure others’ happiness, I simply do not always achieve this. Furthermore, I simply do not always receive confirmation that I have achieved this. Plus, doing so in words is difficult for me. The idea of being able to perform a physical action whose outcome is calculable and whose positive feedback is as likely to happen as it is impossible to misinterpret is unbelievably enticing, as someone who only wants so badly to please others that I’d do anything.

In addition, nothing else matters in that position. It is only that moment, and nothing else outside of it, and my mind is finally halfway quiet.

Finally, and I think this is most important, I want to see the innermost parts of someone and show my own innermost parts. I fear intimacy sincerely and as such very rarely truly experience it. The idea that you’d let me see parts of you no one else gets to see is what truly gets to me. I will do anything to get close enough to you to experience things no one else is allowed to experience. I have been taught not to let anyone fully inside, and am far too afraid of hurting anyone to ask another person to be let in. This is what I want: to see you fully and completely. Naked in front of me, as I am in front of you, and mutually accepted. I just want to be loved and to love. I want intimacy without the worry of hurting you.

Another small yet significant issue is that of having something private, kept only between me and whoever I choose to let into it. It is one thing I know I have that I know other people can’t have unless I give it to them. It’s something I’ve taken great lengths to ensure that no one will suspect I have. It makes me feel proud in some way to have something to myself like that. This in itself is also quite enticing.

As far as external motivations, the media and my own social circles play a massive role in this. The media has been telling me that doing this is normal for most of my life. It has been revolving around this topic since I was young, and I’m not doing myself any favors by continuing to let it in. They just keep telling me how great it is, and how common it is, and how infrequent any consequences are. They portray something quite false that I fear I’ve begun to buy into. I’ve begun to buy into a lot I need to avoid, but that is yet another conversation.

The reasons:

* normal biology pushing toward what I am wired to want

* Possible slight hormone imbalance

* Developmentally at an age of discovering identity and testing boundaries to understand what life is about and what I’m about

* I want intimacy so bad

* I want validation so bad

* I want to please people and know I’ve done it so bad

* I want to be able to shut my brain up and feel happy together so bad

* I want to feel anything good so bad

* I want a real relationship but I fear that’s not possible and I don’t know anyone with whom I would be willing to attempt it so for now this is the best I can do.

* Makes me feel more normal

* Makes me feel like I’m not missing out on life experience

* Makes me feel more accepted and more able to relate to my friends