#someone who refuses to sacrifice anything for anyone else
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purpleyoonn · 2 years ago
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My Mate
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Summary: Your village was surrounded by a never-ending forest. Every 20 years, for as long as the village people could remember, offerings were held for the beast who roamed the forest. It was the only way your village could remain safe. This times offering, you were one of the women being offered up to the beast. You only hoped that you could make it out alive.
Pairing: Werewolf Jungkook x Human Sacrifice reader
Genre: soulmate au, fantasy au, werewolf au, angst, bts au, medieval fantasy au,
Word Count: 2.6k
Warnings: not much, drug concoction, slight drugging, some minor violence, normal medieval female treatment, mentions of sacrifice, mentions of death, mentions of kidnapping, protective Jungkook, possessive Jungkook, shitty villagers, women trying to fight back, mc not being able to fight back, weird mate rituals, 
Masterlist // Navigation 
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The morning light had just began to creep over the tree line on the edge of your village. You lived in a quiet village, one where everyone knew everyone and the peace between families was always kept. Your own family resided close to the edge of the forest, surrounded by a small field your family used for farming. You produced most of the vegetables for the town.
Unfortunately, it was your job to take care of most of the crops, your elder brother out of town right now. He was out looking for an “appropriate wife”, not that you thought anyone fit that title. 
As the second eldest, it was your responsibility to take on your brother, Jacob’s, jobs. You knew you would be next though, your father and mother already trying to make matches for you with men from your village.
You hated all of the men in town, thinking they were all pig-headed and stupid. You would rather be taken by the beast then marry anyone in town. Which is precisely why your bother left for neighboring towns, not liking any of the females here, either.
Every 23 years, the young maidens in town were wrangled up and tied to trees in the middle of the forest as tribute to the beast who lived in the forest. It was the hope that by providing him with a mate, he would leave your village alone. 
For seven days, a group of maidens would be blindfolded, dressed in white gowns, and tied to trees like pigs for slaughter. If no maiden was taken, it would continue on until someone was. Usually, a maiden was taken within the first two nights, leaving the others safe and the seven days of terror would seize.
This year, it would be your first time in the sacrifice. You refused to call it anything else. The entire idea of tying girls up to a tree, waiting for a beast to take them…was a sacrifice. Your mother hadn’t participated in the last one but had told you stories of it growing up. She had known you would be involved with the next one, had known as soon as she became pregnant with you that you fit the timeline and age requirements.
You had just had your nineteenth spring, which meant you would be a part of the maidens who would be brought into the woods. Like many of the other women in town, everyone was preparing for the next seven days when their daughters and sisters would be dragged to their probable deaths.
Your mother had told of her own time, watching as her best friend was dragged from her home, stripped naked and placed in a white dress before being blindfolded and dragged into the woods. Another girl had been found to be unvirtuous, thus leading to a girl from the next group to be brought out.
“I had tried to stop them, tried to take their arms off of her but my father had held me back.” Your mother brushed your hair back as she spoke, her words wrapping around you like a cocoon, keeping you entranced.
“I had to watch as she pleaded for help, while no one moved but me.”
You swore you would fight back if you were to be taken, would do anything you could to keep your life. It seemed all of the women being prepared for the beast felt the same way, each of us meeting in secret for defence lessons from our brothers. Jacob had even given me a dagger for my last birthday, claiming it was pure silver, something that would kill any beast that came my way.
And it seemed the beast would be coming your way soon, no matter how hard you fought.
Your mother had tried to keep you in the field as long as she could, but when it came time to get ready, the town’s elders had different ideas. You had tried to fight, to injure the people sent to gather you, but they had a different plan.
It seemed as though the elders had learnt from the last virgin sacrifice and had made sleeping potions for the maidens to drink. As soon as they entered your home to take you, your mother had pushed them back, not wanting you to go through what her best friend did. When they threw her to the ground, that’s when you got angry. Your vision went red ss you through yourself at the closest man, going straight for their neck as he tried to steady himself against your weight.
When the second man, the one who pushed your mother, came over, he grabbed you by your hair and pulled you off the man. You were quick though, thanks to your brother and his friends, and was able to grab your dagger from the folds of your dress and stab him in the leg. He screamed out and let you go, giving you the opportunity to help your mother up from her place on the floor.
This gave you the disadvantage, your back to them as the lunged for you once you helped your mother up. They grabbed your arms and held them behind your back, your shoulder aching as you were maneuvered into a standing position.
“Stop, please! She isn’t a danger.” Your mother pleaded with them as you tried to thrash in place, hoping their grip on you would loosen enough where you could get away. The one man was quick though, his hands moving fast as he uncorked the potion and shoved it down your throat, his grip on your jaw harsh as he held your head in place.
Your vision quickly became blurry as the strength slowly fell from your muscles, your limbs falling to your side as you lost your footing. You could hear your mother and younger sister screaming for you as you fell into the men’s arms, their bodies moving to hoist you up so they could carry you out.
The last thing you remember was your father moving to hold your mother back from coming after you before you felt cold and your vision went black.
-*-*-
Your head was pounding, and the sobs coming from around you weren’t helping. It took you a couple minutes to open your eyes, but when you did you realized your situation. You were tied to one of the big oak trees in the forest, the village leaders having already left for the town.
It was past nightfall, and you could tell that it wouldn’t be too long until the dreaded beast came for his sacrifice. You couldn’t see much, but you could recognize the white dresses the others were also in. You could only see three girls from where you were tied, none that you could recognize in the dark.
They were all crying, fighting against their restraints. You would be too if you hadn’t of felt how well the leaders had ties your bounds. Ignoring them, you looked around, trying to see if you could see the moon through the tree line. If you could see how high the moon sat in the sky, you could figure out what time it was.
A sharp cry had you trying to turn your head, the trunk in your way as your skin rubbed itself raw. A low growl followed the cry, before others started crying out as well. None of the cries were ones of pain, giving you some hope that no one had been hurt yet.
You could hear the beast’s footsteps, gradually getting louder and more forceful as he moved from tree to tree, as if on a purposeful hunt. It seemed to be searching for something, the cries dying out as the beast walked away from each trunk. 
You remained quiet, listening for any sign of him getting closer to you, you eye catching with the girl across from you. You watcher her eyes, looking for any sign that she could see the beast. It took only a couple of minutes, heavy breathing and low growls filling the silence before her eyes widened and her chest started moving quicker.
The beast was close now, you thought. Their footsteps now sounding as if they were in your ear, adjacent to the sound of your heart echoing in your throat. You could hear the beast sniffing, taking in deep breaths as he moved, using his sense of smell to find his victim for the night.
Vibrations could be felt from the trunk you were tied to, his claws digging into the trunk and moving until he was right by your ear. You could see the blatant fear in the woman’s eyes, her tears being lit by the moon as they fell down her cheeks. She cried out for you, but her words were drowned out by the feeling of the beast’s nose at your throat.
You held your breath as the beast brought his face closer, taking in a deep breath as he brushed his nose against the expanse of your neck. You tried turning your head away but his… hand held your jaw in place.
The beast was a human? You couldn’t help but squeeze your eyes shut, your fear quickly turning into terror as the thought of a human causing so much fear in your village’s hearts.
“Shhhhh. Don’t cry mate.” The beast spoke up, his voice was low and rough as he spoke in your ear. His finger’s trailed a path down your jaw and neck, hoping to calm you down.
Jungkook couldn’t believe he had found his mate. The lavender scent had been drawing him in for weeks now, but his father had made him wait, claiming the moon goddess would bring you to him during the ritual. That your scent was only coming to him so he knew how to find you.
Jungkook moved away from your decadent scent and stood in front of you, your eyes shut as you tried to push yourself further into the rough bark. He roamed over you, watching the way your dress fluttered and flowed against your thighs. He searched for any indication that you were hurt, his nose picking up on the scent of your blood.
He growled again when he didn’t see anything, moving around the trunk to where your hands were tied. He snarled at the sight of your wrists, blood dripping down onto the bark from where you were subconsciously fighting against the rope, your skin rubbed raw.
“Don’t worry mate, I won’t let them hurt you again.” He growled out, his anger at the villagers growing as he cut the rope with his claws. He moved quickly to catch you, your legs succumbing under your weight.
Jungkook brought you into his chest, holding you close as he stood up. You tried to push him away, but your strength was still depleted from whatever concoction they had forced down your throat. You let out a small whimper when he started moving, further into the forest and away from the others, still tied to their trees.
Hearing your whimpers, Jungkook began to run, hoping to get home to his den so he could properly take care of you. He didn’t want your wrists to get infected, and he wanted to make sure you had no other wounds.
“please” you murmured, your speech slurred from the damn concoction. Your mind was clear but it seemed your body was still fighting.
“We are almost home, my mate. Do not worry.” He pleaded with you, hoping that you would stay awake. He didn’t know what the village gave its sacrifices, and neither did his father. They first used it on his mother, and she never remembered if they said anything about it. But it worried him, how limp your body seemed, how out of it your mind appeared.
Only minutes passed before he made it back to his pack, everyone asleep as they waited patiently for him to bring their Luna home. He moved quickly, weaving in and out of cabins before coming upon his own, prepared and ready for your arrival.
Opening the door, Jungkook moved quickly, placing you in the nest he spent hours making for you, the furs and blankets perfect for your soft skin. He wanted it to be warm enough, to bring you enough comfort as you adjusted to pack life.  
The man left you in the pile of blankets and furs before moving to a chest on the other side of the room, grabbing something out of it before returning to you. You could do nothing but try to protest as he undressed you and put a large shirt over your body before doing the same to himself. He wore only pants as he moved in behind you.
You cried quietly as he wrapped an arm around you and pulled you into his chest, the warmth coming from him had you squirming in unwanted comfort. You felt safe with the beast, and you hated it. You tried to move away from him but he held onto your wrists, bringing one up to his lips before he started to lick at your wounds.
“what..?” you tried to speak but he only cooed at you, his eyes softening as he looked down at you.
“I’m only trying to clean your wounds, baby. Don’t want them to get infected.” He placed a kiss on your palm before licking at your wounds again. Despite the weirdness of the situation, and the fear you still felt, you could feel your core start to warm, the tingles moving down your spine with every touch of his tongue against your skin.
Jungkook could smell your arousal, his eyebrow quirking as he noticed your thighs clenching together. The hand that wasn’t holding your wrist to his mouth moved slowly until he was cupping your inner thigh, his thumb rubbing the top of your uncovered skin.
“I promise I’ll take care of you, my mate. Just let me clean your wounds first.” His voice was raspy with lust, happy and pleased you were now feeling the effects of the bond. He knew you would eventually.
His words had you turning your head away from him, your eyes now looking around the room he brought you into. It seemed he put you in the bed, as it was the only thing that closely resembled one. 
Next to you, a couple of feet away was a small table with two chairs, and behind that was a small kitchen. In front of you, by the door that he brought you through, was a large comfy chair, along with even more blankets. A chest sat against the wall, the same one where you now knew the clothes were held.
“I’m glad you like it. The second I sensed you I began to prepare our nest. I wanted to make it warm and comfy for you.” He had finally finished “cleaning” your wounds, his arms now holding you flush against him as his hand continued to rub at your thigh.
“I’m glad I found you, my beautiful mate.” His lips whispered against your ear, capturing your lobe in between his teeth as he finished. His hand moved the shirt up to your stomach before his hand began to trail closer to your core, your breath hitching at the feeling of tingles crawling across your skin.
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bruciemilf · 2 years ago
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this concept that won't leave my brain. It's like a little gremlin banging to be let out.
Particularly, - Batman is Gotham's hero; He's not like any other baby faced, squeaky clean, popular good guy. He's scarred and brutal and violent in his service.
But it's fine, because Gotham is like that, too.
It's never peaceful, but it's standing strong, and there's an unanimous agreement they have Batman to thank for that.
The thing about Bruce is that he gives. He bleeds for Gotham, dies little by little every night protecting it, sacrifices everything he can and a little bit more so it won't be swallowed up by the evil that took his parents.
He doesn't expect parades, or celebrations, or gratitude because in his mind, it's just the decent thing to do.
Goodness isn't a chore. It's a choice. It's a sword you pick up again and again until your hands spill red and then pick it up some more.
And there's a collective fear in Gotham City. that one day, Batman would get tired of bleeding. When the GCPD gangs up on him, for refusing to let them gun down an Arkham escapee, they watched.
" He's not presenting a danger right now. His healthcare isn't enough to cover medication and he was dissociating. Let me take him back."
" For what? So he could escape again and rob another bank, like all the others?! Why are you protecting this psycho?!"
" He needs help."
" I don't care. His 'needs' aren't our damn problem. He wouldn't be anyone's problem if you just stepped aside and let us do the job you're too chicken shit to do. Who's side are you on, anyway?"
Batman's jaw is screwed tight, but he doesn't move. If he did, that guy hiding behind him would paint the streets red with a bullet hole in his head.
" We're supposed to work together, Batman."
" I work with people. Not pigs."
Commissioner Gordon tried to be fast, but he was pushed back as nearly half the police force swarm Gotham's knight; Kicking, stomping, punching, attacking because they know he can't attack back.
Because he's Batman, and they're just people. And the crowd watches, eyes wide and limbs frozen, until they can't. Until they won't.
There's a purse flying between the two crowds, hitting one of the officers square in the face.
" Hands off our Bat!"
There's pushing; That's what Bruce can see. Bodies on bodies, but it's easier to breathe again without a forearm pressing on his windpipe. He can't tell what's happening, but he's pulled back, handled almost... Carefully.
" Hey," he knows this voice, this face; It's the mailman, probably the one guy brave enough to deliver to the Waynes, who wonks for Damian three times as he drives away, elping him stand on a bad leg. " You alright, Batman?"
Someone else picks up his weight, - It's the owner of the grocery store his boys like to shop at.
She's glaring at police man currently sharing punches with an angry mob of people. " Bastards roughed you up, huh? Jim! Get your car!"
The people make way for Jim until he safely unlocks his car, threatening to fire anyone who even touches a trigger before he wheels over to where they're at. " Take care of him, will you?"
Jim nods, " I'll try."
They drive away, Jim locking the car because he knows Batman. But the people here are tough. They're just as angry and vengeful as their city is.
" Why?"Bruce is speaking outloud, watching a dozen, hundred people fight; For him.
Jim thinks it's very simple. " Gotham's fucked up. But we take care of our own," and he looks at Batman, eyes gleaming and grateful and relived, just like the runaway in the back-seat. " You may not be one of them, but you're one of us. Hope that's enough."
There's quiet.
" Thank you. For fighting for us."
"... Thank you for letting me."
Batman says nothing, but he doesn't need to. Jim doesn't say anything to his glassy eyes, or the temple of his lip.
Hope isn't permanent, but it's not lost. Not if they're reminded to find it.
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know-ill-keep-moving · 2 years ago
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i’m thinking about how you can see that after ed said that love means putting someone else’s happiness before your own oswald really took it to heart, not only when he refused to tell barbara where he is, but also when he gave up on his revenge on sofia to save ed, when he paid hugo strange to save his life, when he took a grenade for ed - like this mf who will sacrifice and betray literally anything and anyone to save his skin took a literal grenade for ed and then said it was the least he could do???? i’m going insane again
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astroangel23 · 2 years ago
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Pick a Card: Your current reputation🗨️💭🥱
Disclaimer: These are purely opinions that can be completely false! Opinions people have of you can switch up in the blink of an eye; it's one of the many human conditions 🌀
If interested in booking a personal reading with me check out the link in my bio 🧿🤍
donations are always deeply appreciated:
Venmo: Carrie-Overton Cashapp: $Currien23
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Pile 1: People love you guys! There's literally nothing people have to say about you that would paint you in a negative light. You don't hesitate to answer the phone, to help carry in groceries, or to help that elderly person cross the street. You strive to see the best qualities that people carry over the bad ones. You could be a life coach or just someone that doesn't hold back any advice that could help people in their own daily life. You are very nutruing and pull in people that are in need of a little guidance. There is heavy earth angel energy in this pile. Also, people speak on the amount of growth you've already accomplished and how far you're going to get in this life through your giving nature. You touch people's hearts and you are completely irreplaceable."and if you wanna leave I guarantee you won't find anyone else like me" - Astro Angel 💚
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Pile 2: The current reputation that people have formed of you is that you aren't leaving your comfort zone, your peaceful state of mind for anything or anyone. There may be people from your past that you have cut ties with or just simply put up boundaries with that are saying you've switched up, that you're fake, or that you've become a boring and bland person. You could have been a little wild in your past and these people hold onto those memories of you and refuse to accept that you've moved on from that version of yourself. These are the people that never leave that highschool mindset full of gossip and drama. They go out of their way to try to snoop on you through your social media or by asking around just so they have s o m e t h i n g about you to bring up in their next conversations. But honestly, they aren't finding much lmao. There isn't much of a reputation for this pile because you're so low-key. Imo, that's the best way to keep life happy and peaceful 🔒 "I don't check for these other bitches you can ask God cause that's my witness" - Astro Angel 💚
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Pile 3: There are different reputations for this pile, depending on who we're asking, so let's get into it. For the first reputation, people are saying you know how to whip up some mouth watering dishes in the kitchen 🥧 Cooking in general may excite you and bring you happiness which is why these dishes taste so good to others. For the second reputation, people are saying you definitely carry leadership qualities but they feel the need to walk on eggshells around you because you carry an energy of "it's your way or the highway" so they tend to keep opinions or thoughts to themselves when they are around you "but what I really want to know is, are you gonna go my way?". For the third reputation, people are saying that you're deeply spiritual and follow the signs of the universe; you believe in and trust the unseen. This makes 3D people uncomfortable because they have no idea what the fuck you're talking about but I do pile 3 and you should 100% never let doubt from people who are not aligned to their own spiritual paths have any affect on you what so ever. Keep being your authentic self 🧨 - Astro Angel 💚
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Pile 4: The current reputation others are picking up about you is that you would rather walk your path independently than being forced to follow under someone else's rules or expectations. You carry a very nurturing and generous spirit but you wouldn't risk your independence or sacrifice your time and energy to save someone else. You know that at the end of the day, no one's got you like you got you, so you 100% make sure that you're good before going out of your way for someone else. Instead of forcing things, you'd much rather let things come, run its course, and dip out as soon as it's over. You trust in the timing of the universe. You are completely okay with accepting you are where you're supposed to be in every moment instead of spending your time wondering "what if?". Sometimes people wonder if you even want or need them around or not lmao. "you don't have to call, it's okay squirrel cause I will be alright tonight" - Erykah Badu 📴 - Astro Angel 💚
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bing-bang-bingo · 4 years ago
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- 4x3: c. 40:00 Cas comforts Dean after Mary makes a deal w/ Azazel
- 4x7: 15:50 Dean stops Sam from shooting Cas, then Sam mentions that he’s “heard a lot about him”
- 4x7: 39:00 Cas tells Dean he prayed he’d save the town, then he tells him about his doubts and Deans future troubles
- 4x10 & ???: Dean calls “last night on Earth” his best line. He uses this line on Cas
- 4x10: 27:15 “Castiel has this weakness. He likes you.”
- 4x10: 32:50 Cas looking jealous and sad when Dean kisses Anna
- 4x16: 7:30 Cas tells Dean he got in trouble for showing emotion and getting to close to Dean. 8:20 “I would give anything not to have you do this”
- 4x16: 39:00 Cas warns Dean to be careful while Dean is in the hospital, they discuss the first seal and saving Dean from hell
- 4x18: 31:30 Cas tells Dean how to save Sam from Lilith even though he’s not allowed to interfere
- 4x20: 38:00 Deans face when Cas tells him he “learned his lesson when he was in heaven”
- 4x22: 30:40 Cas considers rebelling for Dean. 33:00 He does. 35:20 He fights multiple Archangels for Dean
- 5x1: 5:45 Dean denies Cas’ death 8:25 “I learned that from my friend Cas you son of a bitch”
- 5x1: 31:00 Cas saves Sam and Dean from Zach
- 5x3: 6:10 Cas-“I need your help because your the only one who will help me”
- 5x3: 10:20 Dean fixes Cas’ tie and jacket
- 5x4: 38:50 “Don’t Ever Change”
- 5x8: 38:20 Dean makes Gabriel bring Cas back, then makes sure he’s okay
- 5x13: ?:?? Cas won’t let Dean meet with Anna because it’s not safe
- 5x17: 30:30 Cas and Dean discuss what it’s like to have a deadbeat dad
- 5x18: 25:15 Cas kicks Deans ass for trying to sacrifice himself
- 5x21: 3:50 Cas and Dean bickering like and old married couple then Cas gives Dean a heartfelt apology.
- 6x17: 18:55 “No you’re confusing me with the other angel, the one in the dirty trench coat who is in love with you.”
- 6x17: 38:00 Sam: “So you killed 50,000 people for us?” Cas: *looks at Dean*
- 6x19: 25:20 Bobby reassures Cas that they’ll be back soon, Cas acts like a worried and disappointed wife.
- 6x19: 36:25 Cas yelling “Dean!” when Eve bites him
- 6x19: 40:00 Dean is the only one who doesn’t think Cas is working with Crowley (he’s wrong but it’s sweet)
- 6x20: 4:50 Dean v v worried, “But Cas you’ll call right? If you get into real trouble?”
- 6:30 Crowley implies that Cas is distracted by Dean and tells him he reeks of the Impala.
- 7:20 Cas says that Dean taught him how to care and what to care about. Then Cas saves Sam (for Dean)
- 13:15 Cas says that the worst part of working with Crowley (basically his sworn natural enemy) is that it hurt Dean and that he hated lying to him.
- 25:20 Cas refuses to ask Dean for help because he has “sacrificed too much” even though it means Cas could die.
- 26:00 Crowley tells Cas he has a way for everyone to get a happy ending “with all possible entendres intended” while Cas stares longingly at Dean.
- 33:00 Dean is close to tears when he learns that Cas is working with Crowley, Cas says he did it to protect Dean.
- 35:25 “Dammit Cas we can fix this!” “Dean it’s not broken!” He then tells the boys to run from the demon cloud and Dean gives him the saddest look in the world before being forced to leave him behind.
- 38:00 Cas watches Dean sleep. “I’m doing this for you Dean. I’m doing this because of you!”
- 6x21: 22:40 “I do everything you ask. I always come when you call and I am your friend. Still despite your lack of faith in me and now your threats I’ve just saved you yet again. Has anyone but your closest kin ever done more for you?”
- 6x22: Dean to Cas- “Don’t make me lose you, too.”
- 7x2: 5:35 Dean nearly cries on screen when he thinks Cas is dead
- 7x17: Cas says “I remember ~you~” as soon as he regains his memories.
- 7x17: Cas ask why Dean didn’t tell him all the horrible things Cas did. Parallels the conversation Karen and Dean had about telling Bobby she remembered him killing her and her telling Dean that he had never been on love before.
- 7x21: The face Dean makes when he sees Cas again plus the prolonged eye contact when Cas says Deans name.
- 7x21: Hester telling Dean that when Cas first saved him from Hell he was lost- parallels- Lucifer/Jess saying she was dead the moment she met Sam.
- 7x23: 8:50 “Go ask him. He was your boyfriend first.” Meg to Dean about Cas
- 7x23: 32:45 “I’m sorry but I’d rather have you, cursed or not.”
- 7x23: 36:50 Cas steps in to protect Dean despite spending the whole season avoiding fighting and saying he won’t fight.
- 8x2: 25:00 Cas ran away to keep the Leviathans away from Dean. Dean refuses to leave purgatory without Cas.
- 8x7: 20:30 Deans reaction to seeing Cas all cleaned up.
- 8x7: Dean convinced himself that it was his fault Cas was still in purgatory because he’s a sweet idiot boy who hates himself
- 8x7: 35:00 The whole Dean and Cas conversation about purgatory and Cas doing stuff that puts him in danger.
- 8x8: 12:30 Cas just casually going through Deans stuff and Dean not saying anything.
- 8x8: 13:00 Cas offering to watch over Dean while he slept
- 8x8: 15:15 Dean talks to Cas about feelings and heaven even though Dean hates talking about feelings.
- 8x17: Cas fights Naomi’s mind control for Dean
- 8x23: 22:50 Dean and Cas sadly discuss Cas closing the doors of heaven and say goodbye
- 9x1: Dean prays to Cas and tells him he isn’t mad about the angels falling.
- 9x1: Cas’ first instinct is to explain himself to Dean then to come help him.
- 9x1: Dean begs Cas to “for once, look out for yourself.”
- 9x3: 36:45 Dean to Cas after Cas came back from the dead “Don’t you ever do that again!”
- 9x6: Literally just Dean trying desperately the whole episode to hang out with Cas
- 9x10: 26:00 Dean and Cas talk about how Cas is doing and Dean offers him a rare sincere apology. Plus the “I prefer the term ‘trusting’. Less dumb, less ass.” dialogue
- 9x18: Cas’ little smile when Dean makes a joke about Honor Bars and Cas is just so happy to hear his voice.
- 9x18: Metatron’s illusion of Gabriel calls Cas Dean’s boy-toy
- 9x18: Cas can tell something is wrong with Dean, then Cas yells at Dean about getting the Mark of Cain
- 9x22: Cas chooses Dean over all of Heaven once again
- 9x22: The Cas and Dean conversation about the three of them being enough when an army wasn’t and Cas giving up an army all for Dean
- 9x23: “I’m blaming you for taking Cas’ grace.”
- 10x1: 5:00 Cas about Dean- “I miss him.”
- 10x2: 9:00 Cas’ reaction to learning that Dean is a demon
- 10x3: The conversation between Dean and Cas at the end of the episode. “You look terrible” “You on the other hand, your looking good.”
- 10x5: Deans reaction to Cas and Dean actors hugging and holding hands
- 10x5: “Put as much sub into that text as you possibly can.” *looks directly at fake Cas*
- 10x9: 15:00 Cas tells Dean he’s a good role model. Then asks him if he’s okay and when Dean lies and says he is he pushes it further. Dean makes Cas promise to kill him if he goes Dark
- 10x22: Dean and Cas fight and parallel Cain and his Wife.
- 10x23: Dean sees Cas’ bloody face in the mirror
- 11x1: Cas being more worried about Dean than himself even though Cas is under a spell that will kill him.
- 11x2: Dean calling Cas and stressing out when he doesn’t answer
- 11x3: Dean trying to coax Cas out of the attack dog spell, refusing to fight back when Cas was attacking, freaking out when Cas took a minute to wake up, refusing to let Cas heal him (because he “had it coming”), and refusing to let Cas apologize (because “there’s nothing to apologize for”).
- 11x10: “Dean, I came as soon as you called.” Also: “Stick your tongue out.” Dean-*does*
- 11x11: Dean realizing that something is wrong with Cas (while he is possessed by Lucifer)
- 11x11: Mildred says that Dean is pining for someone else(probably meant to be a reference to Amara, but she told him this after he had seen Cas for the first time in a few days.)
- 11x14: The sadness on Deans face when he realizes Cas is Lucifer and then his determination to save Cas
- 11x15: Dean getting kinda dark when he talks about what he’s willing to do to save Cas and he prioritizes saving Cas over bearing Amara.
- 11x17: Dean once again prioritizing saving Cas over saving the world. Sam reassuring Dean that they’ll save Cas (even though Dean didn’t say anything about what was upsetting him)
- 11x17: The camera zooming in on Dean after Michelle says that there is no normal after losing the man you love.
- 11x18: Dean refuses to put Lucifer in the cage or let him fight Amara while using Cas as his vessel.
- 11x18: The difference in the way Dean looks at Lucifer vs at Cas
- 11x18: Dean about Cas: “Lets go find that idiot and bring him home.”
- 11x19: Dean has been looking for leads non stop for a week since Amara took Cas
- 11x21: Amara uses Cas’s heart to find Dean, then shows Dean images of Cas beaten and bloodied to convince him to turn against Chuck
- 11x23: Dean’s face when he realizes Cas is back and Lucifer is gone.
- 11x23: Dean tells Cas he isn’t stupid and that he always helps
- 11x23: Cas: “Dean are you okay? How do you feel?”
- 11x23: Cas hugging Dean super tight before he goes off to die. Dean entrusting his life’s purpose (look after Sam) then thanking him for everything.
- 12x1: Cas seeing that Dean is alive and hugging him while his voice breaks.
- 12x1: Cas taking the job Dean have him very seriously
- 12x2: Dean adorably venting to Cas about his mommy-issues
- 12x3: Dean- “Morning sunshine want some coffee.” Cas- “No thank you.”
- 12x7: “Well at least I don’t look like a lumberjack.” They are such husbands
- 12x7: “Engaged in what Cas? killing you?”
- 12x8: Cas being so worried about what happened to Sam and DEAN that Kelly escaped.
- 12x9: Mary-“You left them!” Cas- *voice breaking* “Dean told me to go!” Also, just Cas looking so hard for them.
- 12x9: Cas blaming himself for Sam and Dean being taken
- 12x9 Cas knowing how long the boys have been gone down to the hour.
- 12x9: Cas’s voice and eyes when he hears Dean’s voice on the phone.
- 12x9: Cas killing Billie because “You mean too much to me” and “The world needs as many Winchesters as it can get.”
- 12x10: Poor Sam having to deal with Cas and Dean while they fight like an old married couple.
- 12x10: Dean immediately telling Ishim to go to hell when he insults Cas
- 12x10: Sam telling Dean to go to Cas when Dean thought Cas was in trouble
- 12x10: Cas immediately believing Dean about Ishim even though they’re mad at each other. Dean about to let Ishim kill him to save Cas.
- 12x10: Ishim comparing Dean and Cas’s relationship to Ishims relationship with his human lover, then saying he was going to cut Cas’s human weakness
- 12x11: “And Cas is my best friend.”
- 12x12: Dean about Cas- “My shy but devastatingly handsome friend here...”
- 12x12: Dean stressing out and voice breaking as he tries to comfort poisoned Cas
- 12x12: LITERALLY TOLD DEAN THAT HE LOVED HIM WHILE CAS WAS DYING
- 12x12: *looking at Dean* “I love you.” Then adds “I love all of you”
- 12x12: Cas- “Run.” Dean- “Cas, no.”
- 12x12: The look Dean gives Cas when he won’t stop staring at him after he’s healed.
- 12x14: Dean says some very harsh stuff to Mary after finding out the reason they Cas almost died at the lake house was because Mary was working for the British Men of Letters
- 12x15: Dean could tell something was up with Cas after talking to him for less than a minute, over the phone.
- 12x18: Sam trying to make Dean feel better about not hearing from Cas.
- 12x19: Dean literally always acting like a scorned wife when Cas comes back after long periods of time
- 12x19: Dean made Cas a mixtape
- 12x19: Cas- “I ~needed~ to came back here with a win for you.”
- 12x19: Cas- *gesturing between Dean and himself* “You mean... we?” Dean- “Yes, dumbass, we.”
- 12x23: Dean screaming for Cas when he attacks Lucifer and trying to chase after him forcing Sam to drag Dean back through the rift. A direct parallel to Dean pulling Sam away from Jess and the fire in Pilot
- 12x23: Dean kneeling next to Cas’s dead body looking up at the sky completely devastated.
- 13x1: Dean couldn’t bring himself to say dead when referring to Cas
- 13x1: Dean PRAYED to GOD to bring Cas back
- 13x1: “We just lost ~everything~. And now you’re gonna bring ~him~ back.”
- 13x1: Dean personally wrapping Cas’s body and giving him a hunters funeral.
- 13x1: The look of complete devastation on Dean’s face when he burns Cas’s body.
- 13x3: Dean refusing to help save Jack because he blames him for manipulating Cas and getting him killed.
- 13x4: The Empty to Cas: “I know what you love, what you fear. There is nothing for you back there.” He loves Dean and Cas fears that Dean doesn’t love him back.
- 13x5: Sam being worried about Dean who has given up all hope since Cas died.
- 13x5: Dean being so distressed thinking Cas is gone forever that he tries to kill himself
- 13x5: Dean seeing Cas alive again and they both have tears in their eyes.
- 13x6: Dean hugging Cas and saying he’s been gone for “too damn long”
- 13x6: Dean being immediately happier and nicer to everyone once Cas is back
- 13x6: Cas saying “Yes. Yes, he does” (in response to Jack saying Dean really likes cowboys) with the tone of an exhausted spouse.
- 13x6: “I told you, he’s an angry sleeper. Like a bear.”
- 13x6: Dean made Cas watch Tombstone with him.
- 13x6: Dean and Cas dresses like cowboy husbands.
- 13x6: Cas saying “I’m your huckleberry” to Dean in a deep accent and Dean looking away.
- 13x6: Their undercover names are Russel and Kilmer
- 13x14: The whole scene where Cas and Dean fight Gog/Magog and act like an old married couple.
- 13x14: The angry, dark look Cas gives Donatello when he tries to kill Dean
- 13x16: “Dean has him by the thigh!” Cas, jealously: “He ~what~?”
- 13x16: “and that includes the Cartwright twins.” Cas, again jealously: “what did you do with the Cartwright twins?”
- 13x19: Cas angrily confronting Naomi about forcing him to kill a bunch of Dean clones.
- 13x21: Cas secretly sliding Dean more pizza when Mary and Sam left the room.
- 13x21: Cas having to hold Dean back from going after Sam. Dean would have beat the shit out of anyone else who tried to stop him.
- 13x23: Cas trying to stop Dean from giving himself to Michael even if it meant losing Sam AND Jack
- 13x23: Cas sitting alone in the bum jet with tears in his eyes after Dean left
- 14x1: Demon: “How is it you lost Dean. I thought you two were joined at the... everything.”
- 14x1: Dean trying to save Cas from Lucifer then vs Cas trying to save Dean from Michael now
- 14x3: The look that Dean and Cas give each other when Dean comes home.
- 14x9: Cas almost being happy seeing Dean happy. And then having to force himself to not be happy so he doesn’t die.
- 14x12: Cas being phased at Dean for wanting to put himself in the box with Michael forever
- 14x14: Cas is the only Dean will let talk to him about Michael and be honest about how Dean feels
- 14x14: “No, it’s on us.”
- 14x14: Cas’s voice breaking when he talks about the possibility of Dean dying one day.
- 14x18: The pure self loathing in Cas’s eyes when he feels like he failed Dean by not telling him about Jack’s soul.
- 15x2: “You asked ‘what about all of this is real?’ We are.” THE MOST ROMANTIC LINE EVER. (Plus later Eileen and Sam have the same conversation but they get to kiss because homophobia)
- 15x9- 20:00 Dean said that they lost everyone they cared about, then added Cas specifically. Then he says “I had to bury him” not “we”
- 15x9- 23:00 Dean cries when he can’t find Cas. Then he prays to him and apologizes for letting him go. He falls to his knees praying to him and fully crying
- 15x12: “I created the world.” *shows Destiel*
- 15x15: This time when Dean sees Cas leaving the bunker, he stops him. (In reference to Cas saying “you didn’t stop me” when Dean got mad at him for leaving)
- 15x16: This is the the only version of Cas that rebelled for Dean. This universe is literally being saved repeatedly because of Cas’s love for Dean
- 15x18: CAS CONFESSES HIS LOVE TO DEAN then goes to mega hell for being gay
Anyway, Cas loves Dean and Dean LOVES HIM BACK, OKAY?!?!? Feel free to add more
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ellana-ravenwood · 4 years ago
Text
“You’re not my real mom !” - Batkids x Fem!Reader (Batmom)
Synopsis : A story about those few dreaded words : “You’re not my real mom”, said by the batkids, to you, in a the heat of a moment. And the aftermath of it all... 
This has been in my draft for ages. I hope you like it :) : 
my masterlists : @ella-ravenwood-archives
__________________________________________________
DICK 
It happened so fast. In a quick moment of anger. 
A flash, a bang, words said too quickly to truly realize their meaning. 
Dick was frustrated because he felt you didn’t understand him, his point of view. And you were trying to explain to him that it was not okay to...
You know what ? 
You couldn’t even remember what he did. As if whatever it was, it was all wiped out of your memory when he pronounced those bone chilling words. 
You only remembered you were “scolding” him, just like parents do when their child did something he wasn’t supposed to. You rarely told Dick off, even when he would burst into fits of anger. 
You always told him : “When you came into my life, you changed everything. And I love all of you little bird. Not just when you’re joking around and smiling. But also when you get angry, and lash out. You are my son, I love all of you.” 
And you meant it. Often, you or Bruce would take the brunt of his anger, without batting an eye. After all, that child went through a lot. It was totally normal for him to lash out at times. 
He saw his parents died right in front of him. It wasn’t a trauma that would be solved that fast (Bruce was proof of it). “The magic of love” couldn't simply cure someone who was so deeply hurt. Although it helped, over time. 
Yes. Time. 
It would take time, and support, for Dick to heal. And you were here for it. Here for him. 
But there were times, you had to say something. 
Usually, it was when he was being too reckless. 
Your son could be overzealous, and go too far. And you were so worried about his safety and wellbeing...Very rarely, you’d have to “scold” him. 
And you couldn’t even remember what you were lecturing him about that evening (even if you had an idea it was about being a little more careful). All you remembered was...
“You’re not even my real mom ! You can’t tell me anything !” 
And him turning away from you, crossing his arms and refusing to look your way. Which was good anyway, because you were an instant mess. 
“Ok”, you managed to say, wondering how the hell you were able to get the words out. And then you left. Feeling the tears welling up in your eyes. And your heart slowly breaking. 
Bruce found you two later, both clearly feeling down... 
Dick stayed quiet the entire time they were on patrol, and Bruce instantly knew something was wrong. He wasn’t there during your fight, and he only arrived when you were already gone, surprised that you went to bed so early in the night, and didn’t stay with your son downstairs until it was time for patrol... 
The man didn’t push the boy, waiting for him to open up if he wanted to. And as usual, Dick did finally speak up. In a weak voice, as they were surveying the city from a rooftop, he said :
“I told her she wasn’t my real mom...” 
“Ah.” 
Bruce felt the urge to go back home and console you, knowing that you were certainly a mess, right now. But he had to take care of his boy, too. 
And oh, oh Dick looked so crestfallen and sad as the meaning of his words slowly etched into his mind. 
“I told her she wasn’t-she wasn’t-but she is I just-I-I don’t know why I said that-I...” 
The little one was on the verge of tears, and Bruce understood why. 
He probably understood more than anyone else. 
He told Alfred “You’re not my dad !” more than once, and remembered how even the stoic butler looked, whenever he said it. 
He remembered the hurt in his eyes, the resignation too. The “very well sir”, said in a neutral manner, but the stiff way he’d left the room. 
It took Bruce a while, to finally realize that Alfred WAS his father. That he raised him, most definitely. And was always there for him during the hard times. 
That he even helped and supported him, when he came back after disappearing for years, saying : “I’m going to dress up as a bat and wipe crimes from Gotham”. ...How many parents would be that understanding, eh ? 
Alfred knew Bruce. And always tried to do his best for him. So whenever Bruce would yell at him that he “wasn’t his father”, it hurt. 
Bruce knew it. He noticed how Alfred’s entire demeanor would change. He’d see a light go out in his eyes. 
“Very well, sir.”, a small bow, and the stiffness of his body as he left...
And Bruce remembered. 
The guilt and the pain he felt himself, as he regretted ever saying those words. As he knew they were going to hurt, which is why he said them in the first place.
It wasn’t that he wanted to hurt his adopted father, oh no. It was that sometimes he just...He just felt so angry ! Like everything was unfair ! And he missed his parents so much ! 
It was a force stronger than him, he wanted Alfred to leave him alone, and pushed him away...”You’re not my dad !”. So yes. Bruce understood little Dickie. He understood you, too. He knew how you must’ve felt, he saw it enough happening to Alfred. 
Once you’d get home, he would take care of you. But right now, he had to care for his son. 
Right here, on one of Gotham’s rooftop, the scary and mighty Batman slowly kneeled down, and took his boy in his arms, holding him tightly. 
Dick didn’t need more to throw his arms around his father’s shoulders, and hold him strongly too, with all his nine years old strength, sobbing slowly. 
Bruce drew soothing circles on his back, and whispered : 
“It’s ok, it’s going to be ok. It’s ok. Calm down, things are going to be ok.” 
Your husband lost count of the time passing. Were they there, holding each others while Dick was sobbing uncontrollably, for ten minutes, or for ten hours ? He didn’t know. And he didn’t budge.  
His son needed him. Just like once, he needed Alfred... 
Dick fell asleep in his arms, and that night, Bruce came home early. 
Not like he was going to stay out anyway, knowing you were probably devastated, all alone in your room... 
************
Dick fell into a deep sleep, and didn’t budge one bit even as Bruce came down the building, rode home, and put him into bed. 
Bruce’s guess was that all the pent up feelings truly exhausted him. Also, he knew that crying could be tiring. And freeing, in a way. 
Putting the boy’s blanket all the way up to his chin, Bruce laid a kiss on his forehead and then rushed to your shared bedroom... 
You had cried too, but you were not asleep. 
Your eyes were puffy and red, and your cheeks marked with your tears. You seemed surprised, when he came in, and looked at the clock. 
It was only midnight ? 
“Hello, my love.” 
He sat down next to you, and from the way he ran his fingers through your hair, and caressed your cheek, wiping the salty tears from it...You knew he knew.
He knew how devastated you felt. How those simple words that would mean nothing for many, truly wounded you. 
He knew how much you loved that boy, how as soon as your eyes laid on his little face that terrible night he lost his parents, you felt like he was going to be your son one day. 
He knew how much you’d sacrifice for that kid’s happiness, how far you’d go to keep him safe...And so, how hurtful him telling you you weren’t his real mother must’ve felt.  
There was no need for words. 
He knew what to do. He laid next to you, and you just cuddled up to him, letting him wrap you up in his warm embrace. 
He drew those same soothing circles on your back than he did on Dick’s. And whispered : 
“He didn’t mean it. He truly didn’t. He loves you, you know. I love you too.” 
You fell asleep to his words of love and reassurance, finally letting go after hours of not being able to sleep, reenacting the terrible scene in your head over and over again, making yourself feel worst each times. 
************
You woke up around 4 am, with Bruce’s arms wrapped around you.  
He was asleep and escaping his grasp (without Alfred’s help) took you a little bit..but you managed to leave without waking him up. 
He did groan a little at the loss of your warmth, and grabbed your pillow to hold it against his chest. Which was extremely cute, and oh how glad you were to be the only one to see this side of him. 
You went down to the kitchen and... 
Dick was coming from the other door, opposite to the one you took.
The kitchen had three access. Two doors facing each others, and one on the third wall. The door you took was because you got a little lost and did a detour through the drawing room. Dick, however, came from the door you should’ve come from too, which was the one you accessed from the West Wing third corridors, which was directly under your bedroom, and Dick’s. 
The boy probably stood up a little after you, and while you got lost in your own home (again), he took the normal way and...
Boom. Here you both were, arriving in the kitchen at the same time. 
There was a small silence. Awkward. And...
Your heart tightened. 
Dick was sort of cowering backward in fear. Fear of what ? 
Oh. But of course. 
“He didn’t mean it.” 
Bruce whispered to you many times, before you fell asleep. And the way Dick looked at you, worry in his eyes...He was thinking you were mad at him. And the regret in his pupils was as obvious as that fact. 
“Ice cream ?” 
You ask him. His eyes widen a bit, and you can almost see the gears in his brain trying to piece everything together. You’re...not mad at him ? 
Of course you’re not. You felt sad, and lost, and hurt, yes. But never did you feel any hint of anger. Of course not. 
You take out his favorite flavor from the freezer, and settle a bowl in front of one of the high stool around the counter. 
At that time, Dick was so tiny. A very short little bean. And he’d stay small for a long time, only having a sudden spurt when he was around fifteen. 
He climbed onto the stool, and watched you as you gave him some ice cream and a spoon, and then sat down next to him to eat some as well. 
The silent was slowly turning less awkward. 
Slowly, and unsurely, Dick picked his spoon up and looked at you. And completely missed his mouth, the ice cream spreading on his cheek instead. 
You turn around to look at him, ice cream on his cheek, and he’s clearly embarrassed, as a tint of color slowly rises on his face. 
You don’t really know why, but something snaps in you and you start laughing. And laughing. And laughing. 
Because honestly, the kid missing his mouth as he picked his spoon up full of ice cream, is kinda funny right ? And also, all the tension and stress you felt suddenly broke with this simple, silly thing. 
Unsure at first, Dick just looked at you. But your laughter quickly spread to him, and soon enough, you both were bursting out in laughter. 
Anyone not knowing what happened, would probably think you were both crazy, laughing that hard for no apparent reasons. 
Instinctually, you ruffle his hair and Dick gasps. You really weren’t mad at him ?!
You realized what you did, and slowly, both your laughter subsided. There was a small silence as Dick stared at you, and you stared back, and then : 
“I’m-I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it. I didn’t mean it !” 
He says in a small voice, and he can’t add anything else as you just pick him up and hold him tight against your heart, and you say : 
“I know.” 
And it’s all he needs to realize you’re not really mad at him, and although he messed up and hurt you, right now, you were both on the path of recovery... 
Next morning, Bruce woke up alone in bed, which greatly distressed him as usual (he often woke up first). But a gut feeling was telling him that...
He found you asleep with Dick in his bed, holding him tightly. 
************
After that event, you sat down with him, so you could have a serious talk about the underlining issue this raised. Talk about something important. 
“Little bird, you know I love you, right ?” 
He nods, but still cannot speak quite yet, doesn’t have the energy to. 
“I want you to understand something. Something vital. Are you listening ?” 
He nods again, his eyes fixed on you. And he’s listening, oh he definitely is. 
“It’s ok to be angry. It’s ok to lash out. It’s ok to not be alright. It’s ok to make mistakes.” 
He nods, a little slower than before, and you can see his eyes slowly becoming wetter and wetter. 
“It’s ok. It really is. I’m here. And I love you. Even when you don’t want me around. Even when you push me away. I’m here. And I always will be. Ok ?” 
He nods one last time, unable to hold his tears, and then his little arms latch around you, and he refuses to let go for well over an hour...
Oh. Sweet, sweet boy. 
Your son. 
************
Even now, at age twenty seven, Dick still often think about this day. And the regrets are as burning as they were back then. 
He often thought about it. 
Whenever you did something for him, went out of your way to make him happy, or were just there for him, always...
He’d have a flashback of this day, and feel nothing but regret and anger at his younger self. 
And then you’d read him like an open book. Know exactly what he was thinking, and would slowly shake your head, and say : “I know I often said that, but I will say it till the day I die if I need to :  when you came into my life, you changed everything. And I love all of you little bird. Not just when you’re joking around and smiling. But also when you get angry, and lash out. You are my son. I love all of you. Even when you’re a little bit of a jerk.” and you’d wink at him, making him chuckle and feel a surge of affection toward you. 
Kind of like the ones you’d feel sometimes. A sudden urge to hug your family, to tell them what they mean to you. Both you and Dick understood since a long time that with the life you all lead, you never knew what could happen, and should never waste a “I love you” if you felt like saying it. 
Well, the apple never fall far from the tree ? 
Yes. Because you were his mom. And nothing would ever change his mind on that. Ever. 
JASON 
"Well Jason, you did it you idiot !” 
He says to himself in the mirror, and oh he could’ve punch himself if it was possible. He took his desk chair, and threw it across his bedroom, letting out a scream of frustration. 
He went to his desk, and threw everything that was on it on the floor. He then went to his book shelves and...
There. Your book. The one you wrote for him. 
Jason fell to his knee, holding his head in his hands, crying softly. 
Yes. Yes he did it...He ruined this one chance life gave him to have parents. 
He hurt one of the person that meant the most to him, one of the person he loved the most...His mom. You. 
Because you were his mom, no matter what he told you, in that moment of anger as you scolded him after he did something dangerous during one of his patrol. 
He hadn’t been allowed to go out for long, by then. And Bruce had already scolded him before for the very same thing, so when you did it too, he had enough and...it happened before he could think about it. 
He was angry, about the lack of trust and about the sermons, and his brain tried to hurt without even thinking about it. Triggered by years of living in the streets, where he had to think quick and act right away, and then suffer the consequences. If he wasn’t fast enough, it could be the end of him... 
A gut reaction triggered by years of being all on his own, having to fend for himself. His brain went into overdrive, “hurt” is what it set into motion. 
“You’re not my mom !” 
And that was it...
As he saw your face fell, and his father’s face turn angry, he knew. He knew he messed up. He messed everything up, as usual !
“Jason !” 
Bruce called, but Jason wasn’t about to stop. He ran out of the cave, right to his bedroom. Oh, oh but if only he stayed a little longer. He’d realize that his father wasn’t angry, just hurt as well. 
Hurt to see the woman he loved being hurt. 
Not angry. Ah but being in pain could sometimes look like you are mad ? And Bruce hadn't been able to hide his frown as he heard Jason’s words... 
“Let him be, Bruce.” 
You say in a weak voice. You knew Jason, you knew sometimes he needed to cool down on his own. That he could be impulsive, but always came around. 
Ah. But that time, he needed everything but to be alone. 
Because, as he thought he ruined his one chance at having a real family, he thought... 
“Better to leave before they throw me away !” 
He knew he could never bear to face you and Bruce, as you’d certainly tell him you were “un-adopting” him. Jason saw it happened before. Someone thinking their adopted kid was “too much”, and sending them back. 
It was awful, of course. But it happened. For real. And Jason knew that life could really suck...But her couldn’t bear to face you as you’d send him away. 
Worst, what if you just send Alfred and that was it ?
No. Jason would leave before you could do that. He couldn’t bear it. He couldn’t. 
Filling his backpack with some clothes, and snacks, he opened his window and slid down the gutter all the way to the ground, and then ran away into the night. Tears trailing down behind him, as he left behind the one place in which he ever felt safe, warm, and loved. 
In the meantime, you and Bruce were unaware of that, and slowly falling asleep in each others’ arms... As usual, Bruce was there for you. 
************
“Jason ? I thought I wouldn’t see you anymore after you got adopted by dem fancy fellas. Are you here to get some work ?” 
“No.” 
“Really, why did you come then ?” 
“I didn’t, I’m just passing by.” 
“Nah, don’t believe it. Once a bad boy, always a bad boy !” 
“TAKE IT BACK !” 
As he ran away, Jason went back to a place he thought he never would need to. A few intricate alleys, in the Bowery, under the main city. 
The Bowery, a filthy underground neighborhood, hell on Earth for many. Although things did improve when Batman started his work a few years back. 
“Wow there tiger, relax.” 
Jason came in this specific area for only one thing. Retrieve a few items he left behind, thinking he would never need it again because he was leaving behind this life. 
He had a hideout, not far. In which he hid some materials to survive in the streets. He thought he probably had to go back to stealing cars’ tires...Although maybe he should change it. Thinking of what happened last time he did this hurt his heart. 
He knew that next time he’d get caught stealing tires, the person wouldn’t end up adopting him...Anyway, he didn’t want any other parents but you and Bruce. 
And he messed that up so bad, by being so mean to you ! 
“Listen, it’s not because you got all fancy schmancy that you can talk to me like that. Remember who’s boss in this part of town.” 
Batman did a lot of good to the city, but also, by getting rid of some big players in the “crime business”, he allowed small time thugs to climb up the ladders...It felt, at times, like there always was someone to replace whoever Bruce just put behind bars... 
The man who was talking to Jason, used to be a small time criminal. Turned boss, when the Batman kept arresting all the people above him. Jason used to “work” for him, bringing him watches or jewelry that he’d exchange against cash. 
Damn. He never thought he’d ever see him again... Oh and he definitely didn’t think this through. 
As the new boss, who’s name was Johnny Clancy, told him that he’d forever be a “bad boy”, Jason saw red and...getting mad at a crime boss was a bad idea. 
Before he could even think about an escape plan, Jason was surrounded by dangerous armed men. 
“How dare you talk to me like that ? Mmm. The Waynes adopted you right ? Mmm. They’re loaded. Probably would pay a fortune to get you back uh ? And to think they’re gonna give me a lot of cash to get a little runaway brat back haha. Because that’s what you did right ? You ran away ? As you always did before mm ? You know, I observed you Jason Todd. I saw you run away from anyone getting close. I saw you.” 
Jason’s heart didn’t need anyone to push and squiggle the knife he felt in around some more. He had just lost his family. Did he need more reminder that he always fucked up ?! 
“They won’t give you any money, they don’t want me anymore...” 
But Johnny didn’t believe him, of course. He told two of his thugs to grab the boy, but Jason, by instinct, dropped them to the floor with a few well placed kicks and punches. 
And that was enough to unleash Johnny Clancy’s wrath.
See, he was a new boss. He had to assert dominance. And an eight years old kid making a fool of him and his gang ? That wouldn’t go. 
So what if he had to off a child ? Anything to keep climbing up, and leave the Bowery’s slums. 
************
“Have you seen Jason ?” 
Bruce asks you, a few hours after your fight with him. 
“What ? No, I thought he was with you ?”
“No, he skipped his training and I thought he might be with you, apologizing for what he said yesterday ? You know, sounds like something he would do.” 
“I haven’t seen him since, you know. I thought he was avoiding me...” 
“He would never.” 
“Bruce...” 
“He would never, my love. I know what he said hurt you, but I’m sure he’s regretting it right now. You should go see him, he’s probably sulking in his bedroom. I wouldn’t be surprised if you meet him up the stairs as he comes down to say sorry.” 
“Bruce...” 
Your husband comes to you, and takes your hands in his. 
“You know him. He’s impulsive, and a little abrasive sometimes. But he’s a sweet child. And he regrets his bursts, you know it. Tonight was just tough, we both scolded him, he’s not used to it.” 
“You’re right.” 
“Of course I am, I’m-”
“I swear to God if you say “I’m Batman” I’m going to smack you.” 
Bruce smiles softly at you, glad he managed to at least made the tension go away a little. He pecks your lips quickly, and watches you as you leave to go to your son’s bedroom. 
He was about to go down the Batcave, when you came back, panicked : 
“He’s gone ! Jason’s gone !” 
Ah. Bruce knew that placing a tracker in his children’s molars was a good idea. 
************
“HOW HARD IS IT TO CATCH A FUCKING KID ?!” 
Jason runs as fast as he can, without looking back. He managed to break the line of thugs coming at him, and escape in-between to of them who didn’t pull their guns out quite yet. 
They were shooting at him. With no hesitation. 
Johnny was set on proving he was an unscrupulous boss. To earn everyone’s respect. So what if he had to shoot a kid ? It’d send everyone a message. He’d back off from nothing ! 
Jason turned in an alley and...Damn it ! He must’ve taken a wrong turn at some point, it had been a while, since he roamed the Bowery’s alleyways...
He was faced by a wall, stuck. And they quickly caught up to him. 
“Wooouh, you’re fast kid. And you’re sneaky. Too bad you’re such a brat, I bet you could be a nice addition to our-”
Johnny Clancy never finished his sentence. In fact, he never could properly speak after that night. After getting his jaw broken into a thousand pieces by the Batman’s fist. 
Bruce had come down from nowhere, with...you in his arms ?! 
This was the first time Jason saw you wear the costume he saw a few times in the Batcave. He thought you wore it only to go to the JLA’s watchtower, to hide your identity. Not that you could actually...fight ?! 
And wow, you definitely could hold your own ! You made a few disarming pass, taking the guns away from all the men before they could even react, and letting Bruce finish them off with well placed kicks and punches. 
Oh and that night, the Batman unleashed his rage and unforgiveness full force. How dare they touch his son ?! 
You didn’t have anything to envy from your husband either, however, as you worked through Johnny’s gang rather fast too. 
That night, the both of you exterminated (figure of speech, of course, neither of you ever killed, that was the one big rule...but there were never a rule against breaking a few bones) Johnny Clancy’s gang, who dared to even think of hurting your precious son. 
Jason, holding his backpack tight against him, couldn’t believe his eyes. You two came to save him ? But...why ? 
He messed up. You’d surely not want him around anymore ! 
Once Bruce dropped the last man, you rushed to Jason and before he could utter a sound, took him in your arms. 
“Oh my god, I’m so glad you’re safe baby, I’m so glad you’re...” 
Your voice broke at the end, and you chocked, the emotions too strong and squeezing your throat. 
Jason didn’t understand. And through his surprise, he managed to say : 
“I thought-I thought you’d never want to see me again, and that you wouldn’t want to be my mom anymore.” 
You hold him even tighter, as you feel Bruce get down on his knee and bring the both of you in his arms. 
“Oh sweety, never. Never.” 
You say, not letting go. 
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry...” 
Your son manage to choke out, before sobbing profusely and holding on to you and Bruce. 
“I’m just glad you’re safe...it’s ok, it’s ok it’s already forgotten...” 
And it was. As soon as you saw that Jason-That your SON, was missing, you forgot he ever told you “you’re not my mom”. You forgot and it truly didn’t matter anymore, as all you cared about was to find him, and make sure he was safe. 
“Jason, oh my little Jason, I’m so glad you’re safe...”
Wether it is a conscious things or not, he returns your embrace fiercely, holding tightly as he looks up at you. It almost feels like he wants to make sure you really are there. And won’t go anywhere. Like everyone else did in his life. 
Jason was tired of losing those close to him. Those he cared about. Sometimes, he’d push them away, by fear of getting attached again just for life to rip them away from him. So he held onto you, as you held him back. 
Tightly against your heart. 
“Mom...” 
This was the day Jason Todd realized something very important : He wasn’t alone anymore. He had parents who loved him, and he loved them back. 
So much. 
And they’d never let him go. Never. 
************
Years later, this love he had for you and Bruce, turned out to be the very reason he became “Red Hood”. 
From that day he told you : “you’re not my real mom !”, he felt like he belonged. Like finally, the people he loved loved him back. Like he was cherished. And then Bruce didn’t avenge him. He let Joker get away. And you let him do it. You, the people he trusted and loved most in the world, betrayed him...
He felt like he wasn’t worth it. He wasn’t worth Bruce breaking his one rule to avenge him. He wasn’t worth it...He didn’t matter enough. 
Jason felt so angry. For years. He wanted to hurt you, to hurt Bruce. To show you what it felt like. What HE felt like. 
But Jason has always been a strong one. You knew it. You told him enough times : “you’re a fighter, my Jason. You went through so much, and always came out of it. You lost a lot on the way my little one, but you never give up. You never give up...” 
You never give up. 
Love. 
It’s what drove him to become the Red Hood. It’s what drove him over the edge. What gave him so much pain. 
Rather, the feeling of not being loved. The thought all you and Bruce said to him, about how much you cared and loved him, was a lie. 
Yes. The thought that you lied about loving him, is what broke him. What made him find every way possible to truly, truly hurt you two.
You never give up. 
He was so angry. But he never could quite give up on his family...that’s why he didn’t stay with the Al’ghuls. That why they didn’t keep him. 
He could never forget you and Bruce. Move on. 
He could never. 
Jason was a strong lad. Strong enough to see past his hate and need of revenge. His pain. His deep trauma. 
It took a while. But the change came from him. He’s the one that gave you another chance. And it allowed him to realize...nothing was a lie.
And you got your son back.
Because you showed him. You showed him nothing was a lie.
When his dad never gave up on him even as he killed more and more people, and even as Jason saw him completely erase people who used to be close from him as soon as they killed once. When you refused to let him go. When Bruce kept going back, even as he knew Jason would fight him and try to hurt him. When you pleaded with him, even when you knew his answer would be the same... 
Jason never gave up. 
But you didn’t either. 
“You’re not my mom”, are words he never meant. Not even once. Not even when he was the “old” Red Hood, the one that killed mercilessly any criminals, and that was trying to be exactly what Batman wasn’t. 
“You’re not my mom”, even at his worst, at a time he suffered greatly, Jason never meant it. He never did. 
And ultimately, it’s this filial love, and the love you and Bruce had for him, that brought him back out of the dark pit the Joker pushed him in...
TIM 
Tim knew that his overly pragmatic mind sometimes could make him sound tactless. That he had trouble, sometimes, expressing himself properly. 
He knew that what he said, although it could be the factual truth, could be perceived as not being very nice... 
He knew, yet sometimes, he couldn’t help himself. 
“But you’re not my mom.” 
He told you that day, as you asked when was the “mother/child day” at school. 
Tim’s school had a day each year, during which every mother would come and do different activities with their kids. You did it with Dick and Jason, and it was always great fun, and amazing bonding time. 
By then, Tim had been with you and Bruce for over a year now. And he did, see you as his mom. However, he was a little too set, at the time, on rules and specifics. In the “mother/child day” rulebook, it “specifically” said that the actual child’s mother had to come, not the nanny or anyone else. 
In Tim’s mind, although he did see you as his mom, he thought the school wouldn’t. For him, the way the rules were written, were clearly stating his birth mother had to come. And the official adoption papers were not processed yet. Those took quite a while. 
He had been living with you for over a year. He called you and Bruce “mom and dad”. He truly considered you two his parents. But the official papers were not done quite yet. So to him, in the eye of the law (be it a silly school rule), you weren’t his mom quite yet. 
So when he said : “but you’re not my mom”, that’s what he meant. Of course, you misunderstood...
How could you guess that Tim was thinking that only his “birth mother” could take him, because officially right now he didn’t have a mom, just “guardians”...
His mother was dead. Has been dead for a while, now. And even if she wasn’t, Tim knew she’d never come at this event...She wasn’t the caring type of mother. Not like you. Which is why it really bummed him out that those rules were so clearly stated like that !
What Tim misunderstood, is that this specific rule had been added to the rulebook because many family would send their nanny, or a big sister, instead of the mom. Because Tim was of course in Gotham’s Academy, full of rich families, in which the moms were very busy...
Which is why such a day existed. Some kids spend quality times with their mom only on this school day. Nowadays, everyone made an effort to come (the fact you appeared, the famed (Y/N) Wayne, a few years back, with Dick, and it made all the papers’ headlines, might’ve influenced others to participate too).
To tell the truth, Tim was very disappointed that you couldn’t go with him, and was considering asking the principle of the school to do an exception to the rule and allow you to go with him.  
He was already fomenting a plan in his head to convince the headmaster to let you come as his mom, and as usual when he was planning things out, he completely disconnected from reality. 
And therefor, didn’t see how your face “closed”, and your eyes turned sad. The boy was typing away on his computer, as if nothing had just happened, as if you didn’t feel your world crumble as he flat out told you you weren’t his mom...
Of course, it was all a misunderstanding. He meant it as “officially”. Not about his actual feelings. 
For some reason, the way he said it so nonchalantly hurts you more than when Dick and Jason yelled at you that you “weren't their mom”. Because at least, in your eldests’ cases, you knew it was in the heat of the moment. 
That it was because they felt frustrated and sad. 
But Tim just told you : “But you’re not my mom.” matter of factly, and moved on. And it hurt. 
It hurt so much, because that boy...You loved that boy, of course. And considered him your son for sure. Part of your heart, now. Part of your family. And he felt so far, right now...so far... 
You left the room and he didn’t even notice. 
Did he really not see you as his mom ? Was he just calling you “mom” to imitate his brothers ? ...You didn’t know, but it hurt. 
It hurt so much. 
************
You found Bruce in his office, doing some paperworks for Wayne Inc. When he saw your face, he immediately smiled, your presence lighting his whole world...But then he saw your expression, and he frowned. 
“What happened ?” 
************
“Mom ? MooOOooom ?” 
Tim had been looking for you for the past hour, but wasn’t able to find you. You weren't in all your favorite places ! Did you leave the Manor without telling him ? It was unlike you. 
Finally, he found you. You were in a room that was rarely used, but which was conveniently close to Bruce’s office, and had a couch. 
Laying on top of your husband, you were fast asleep as Bruce was going through his paperworks, letting you holding onto his waist as he kept working. 
When he saw the boy come in the room, he smiled at him. And it was hard, not to smile at Tim, seeing his own big wide smile. 
Tim was missing a few teeth, that fell not long ago, and it was absolutely the cutest, when he smiled widely. He looked so happy, eyes sparkly and genuine smile. It felt wrong to Bruce, to think that this sweet boy didn’t see you as his mom...
Maybe it was all a misunderstanding ? Wouldn’t be the first time. Although, Bruce knew how sometimes Tim could be brutally honest, and say the facts in a matter of factly way that could be very harsh on the uninitiated. 
Your son was holding a cardboard sheet almost as big as him, and looked very excited about something. He slowly approached you two, and said, whispering, yet the excitement was clear in his voice : 
“Has she been asleep for long, dad ?!” 
He called Bruce dad. Without an hesitation. And it felt so genuine. Like he was relishing in the word rolling off of his tongue. And it was often the case, with Tim. His parents, when they were still alive, never really noticed his presence... 
And sometimes, it could be even worst to have parents who acted as if you didn’t exist, than caring parents who passed away. Bruce realized this. 
“No, she just closed her eyes.” 
Bruce answers, looking at you. And oh he couldn’t possibly know how soft his expressions as as he gazed at your sleeping face. 
“Oh...” 
Tim was clearly disappointed. His shoulders fell down, and he looked on the floor, looking defeated.
“What is it, champ ?” 
“Well, I wanted her to-Oh ! Mom !” 
The rumbling of your husband’s chest as he spoke is what woke you up. Not the actual sound of their voices, just that low vibrations reverberating in his chest. 
You opened one eye, then the second, and was greeted by your youngest son’s face being very close to you. As Tim saw you were waking up, he kneeled down next to the couch, settling his piece of cardboard next to him, and approached you very closely. 
His smile and sweet expression filled your vision. And you felt even more hurt, as you saw him so happy to see you, to know he didn’t really think you were his mom. 
It was clear he cared for you. And loved you, and being with you. But to him...You weren’t his mom. And that was so painful. 
“I got a plan mom, I got a plan !” 
A...Plan ? For what ? You don’t even have time to ask him, and, still a little hazy as you just woke up from a short nap (that you took after crying exhausted you), you raise a little from your husband. 
You exchange a curious look with him, as you see Tim spring to his feet and get a hold of the piece of cardboard that is almost as tall and large as him. 
He turns it around and...
Your heart drops. 
It’s a lot of very detailed drawings, maps and words about...about...
“This is how we’re going to convince the headmaster of my school that you’re really my mom, even if officially you’re not yet !! I thought we could start with logic first, and then go down the path of pathos if he really doesn’t change his mind !” 
What ? Your brain is trying really hard to comprehend what’s happening, although it is starting to put two and two together. 
“The rules say that the mom HAS to be the one who comes, and the way they wrote it suggest that they wouldn’t accept someone who isn’t yet official. But I think we could convince that, in our heart, we’re already an official family, right ?!” 
Tim looks at you, and then at his dad, a little worry in his eyes (what if for them, he wasn’t their son yet because the paperworks weren’t finished and officials quite yet ?!?!). Bruce cannot help but smile, and nods, feeling his heart melt (a rare occurrence). 
And you. You have exactly the reaction he expected you’d have. You sit up, put the cardboard aside, and drag your son into a tight hug that makes him giggle and exclaim : 
“Hahaha mom wait I can’t breaaaathe !! Mom !!” 
But he hugs you back, knowing that this means yes, you do consider him your son already, paperworks or not, and you will probably follow his plan to convince the school to-
“Mom ? Why are you crying ? Mom ?” 
You can’t explain it to him. You feel silly, but also so emotional and touched. You thought he didn’t think of you as his mom. But he did. Oh he did, and was actually worried about technicalities of rules and...So sweet. That boy is so sweet. 
Carefully, Tim dries your tears, and look curiously at his dad, his eyes clearly asking : “Did I do something wrong ?”
You’re still unable to speak, as you hold onto him, and Bruce ruffles his son’s hair saying : 
“She’s just too happy, champ. She’s just too happy.” 
CASSANDRA
"You, not my mom !” 
She screamed. You never heard Cass raised her voice before. And yet, here, she screamed at you. And then closed her bedroom door right on your nose. 
And you felt it in your heart. That specific pain that you wished you’d never feel again. That kind of hurt you wished you’d never feel ever again. 
It happened just liked it did with Dick and Jason. You were “lecturing” her about putting herself in needless danger, and she felt frustrated at the fact you “didn’t trust her”. 
It wasn’t true of course. You did trust her. And you knew she could hold her own. Didn’t mean you wouldn’t worry, and scold her if she really scared you... 
It was pure instinct. You couldn’t stop yourself from telling them off when you felt they went too far. You did it with Bruce too. 
Once, he threw himself in the way of a bullet to save you, and once he recovered enough...Oh you were so mad at him. 
It’s not that you wanted to take that bullet, of course. You knew it was also instinct that made him move to save you. But in truth, you would rather take a thousand bullet than lose any of them. Bruce, or your children. 
And sometimes, it was hard for them to understand this. To get why you were so worried, when you accepted fully their night activities. 
Why you monitored the batcomputer, if it was to scold them when they put themselves in danger ? 
Ah but they didn’t understand that you only got “mad” when they put themselves in NEEDLESS danger. Pushing themselves too far that one night, being careless with something, ignoring their own safety to finish a task... 
You couldn’t help but be afraid. And your fear turned into you scolding them. And sometimes, on each sides, things boiled and...
“You, not my mom !” 
The meaning was clear. As Cass slammed her door right in your face, you knew not to push it further, not to tell her anything more. 
Maybe you should’ve ? Should’ve open her door, and continue lecturing her so she’d understand her life was valuable ? 
Cass put herself in danger more than any other member of your family, because she was raised as a weapon and thought of herself as an “expendable”. You weren’t mad at her for this, of course not (but oh, David Cain probably should never cross your path, it wasn’t pretty, when you were truly angry). 
You were just worried. And unfortunately, being a parent was complicated and sometimes, your worry turned a little overbearing for your kids. 
This was a mistake every normal caring parents made. Wanting what was best for their children, sometimes not realizing they’re going too far. And you ? Your family wasn’t normal. 
Your children were vigilantes. Your worries were tuned up to the max.  
Being a parent was hard. And sometimes, both you and your kids were frustrated. It happened. In any family. 
It was resolved rather fast, most of the time. A little conversation, understanding and indulgence, and boom. Sorted. 
However, there were times when things would go a little too far. Wether because one of you was tired, or didn’t feel well etc etc...
Tonight, was such a time. 
“You, not my mom !” 
Cass didn’t even register what she said. She was just mad and frustrated, and said the first thing that came into her mind. Her hand slammed the door shut before she could even think about it. 
And here you were. In the corridor. In front of your daughter’s door. 
Hurt. And feeling as devastated as you did when her brothers told you the same thing. You would think, after a few times of this happening, it’d be easier, right ? Well. No. It wasn’t. It really wasn’t. 
As usual in those instances, you went to seek comfort in the arms of your husband. 
************
Cassandra didn’t feel ok. 
In fact, she felt absolutely terrible. 
She couldn’t even remember the last time she felt that bad. 
When she went to look for you and apologize for her behavior, she found you in her dad’s arms, crying, and it made her run away...
She couldn’t face you, knowing she truly hurt you like that. 
The worst thing is, she knew she would hurt you by saying those words. Yet she still did it. It was as if she couldn’t control herself. It was like an ugly force took over her, and made her say those words. 
But she knew. She knew she’s the one who ultimately decided to say them. She’s the one that pronounced them. Under the anger. 
Anger. 
The ugly force. 
She turned around in her bed, holding onto the plush toy you gave her shortly after her arrival. You said “every child should have one” and that this one made you think of her. 
It was a fox with bright colors. And it still smelled like you. 
She was about to fall asleep, when she heard a knock on her door. 
“Can we come in ?” 
It was her older brothers. 
Dick, Jason and Tim. 
It was rare, to have them all in the same place nowadays, what with how busy they all were. Dick with Bludhäven, Jason with the gods only knew what really (the gods, and you and Bruce...but sshhh, that’s a secret), and Tim with college applications. 
So Cass immediately understood that they heard about the fight she had with their mom. 
And she felt a rush of shame come over her. She felt sad too, because maybe they’d be mad at her ?
Cassandra didn’t think she could bear to break your heart, and have her precious brothers mad at her all in the same day. 
She almost told them to leave. But she didn’t have the strength. 
They surrounded her, and their presence was so...soothing. 
And then they spoke. They each told her the story of the time they told their mom those few dreaded words. 
“You’re not my real mom !” 
They told her how awful they felt, and how they knew they hurt their mom. They told her that...well, they did have the best mom ever. 
You never held any grudge. Ever. Especially not against your own family. 
You never even mentioned again the fact they told you this awful thing, you never even mentioned once this, under any circumstances. 
Her brothers stayed with her for hours, talking about their feelings on the matter. Telling her it happened. That everyone wasn’t always on their best behavior...
It was hard, for Cass, to not be “good”. She did so many awful things when her biological father raised her to be a weapon, she felt like she had to catch up so much on those years of “badness”. 
She often felt like she was evil, and could never caught up to everything. Like she was doomed, and could never become good. 
On that, Jason told her she was wrong. That everyone could change, and no one was born truly evil. Environment, and the way you’re raised, matter. And what she did...wasn’t her fault. She was forced to. If she really enjoyed doing this she’d never become a Batgirl. She would never be part of this family. 
She often felt like she was a bad daughter. 
On that, Dick told her she was wrong. He too, felt like a bad son, when he “replaced” his parents with you and Bruce. He too, felt like a bad son when he would get so mad while you would do anything to make him happy. He too, felt like a bad son...on so many occasions. But he grew. And thanks to you mainly, he realized he was just human. Mistakes are human. And it’s not being a bad son, to sometimes feel so hurt that you lash out. That your trauma are so strong, things sometimes are tough. 
She often felt like she couldn’t fit in, and would never fit in. 
On that, Tim told her she was wrong. Him too, felt too different. He already had parents, they were alive, he just wanted to help, he didn’t have any friends...But in this family. In this family, everyone fitted in. Because you made it so. Bruce made it saw. You both accepted any flaws, and differences your kids might have. You loved them unconditionally, they all knew that by now. 
And Cass...Cass didn’t want to hurt you. 
They knew that, too.
It was an accident. In the heat of the moment. She didn’t mean it. Of course, you are her mom. Of course...
It felt good, to have her brothers there for her, when you couldn’t be. 
************
Later that night, after her brothers left, Cass slowly exits her room and take the known way to yours and Bruce’s. 
You are both there, and she knows her dad stayed because you felt bad. He always stayed with you, when you were feeling down. And vice versa.
Cass always told herself that, later, if she ever found a significant other, she’d want her and them to have the same kind of relationships than you. You and Bruce set up a rather high standard for whoever would come into her life. 
But that was another story. For now, she was opening the door slowly, scared of waking you up. But you were awake. 
Bruce was asleep, deeply. As usual when he felt your warmth against him. But you were not. Cass could see you slowly and absentmindedly caress your husband’s hair. It was soothing to both of you. His silky smooth dark hair were soft in between your fingers, and helped you get your mind off of the pain and focus on the sensation, while for him...Well, it put him asleep, when you did that. 
The door creaked a little, and you abruptly turned your head towards it, ready to fight and...You instantly recognize your daughter, even in the dark of the room. 
She doesn’t need to talk. You manage to roll over Bruce, who then by instinct roll too, and therefor you create a little spot for your daughter to climb in bed with you. 
You turn around in Bruce’s arms, and slowly wrap them around your middle, instead of your shoulders. You turn towards Cass, your back against Bruce’s chest, and tap the small spot you managed to create next to you. 
Cass understands, and climbs in, facing you. She lays her head on her arms, as you do the same. And then she mouthes : 
“Sorry mom...” 
And that’s all you needed. You gesture for your daughter to cuddle up close, and she does. By instinct, Bruce lets go one arm off of you, and grabs his kid to bring her closer. He is still asleep, but it wouldn’t surprise anyone that his subconscious holds onto the two most important women in his life like so. 
And there she is. Cass feels safe. And warm. And she hears your heart beat softly. And she knows it partly beats for her. 
And partly for Bruce. And partly for Dick. And partly for Jason. And Tim. And Damian. And Duke. And Alfred. 
It beats for your family. 
For her family.
Family. 
She has a family. 
And you are her mom. 
Her biological father never hugged her, never told her everything was going to be alright, never... 
Cass never felt safe and warm. 
Like she did, right now, held by both you and Bruce. 
“Family...”
She whispers, as she slowly falls asleep. And you’re the only mom she ever wants to have. You are, her real mom. Always have been, always will be. 
DAMIAN 
Damian didn’t really think this was a big deal, at first. 
Just like his father, he often made the mistake to think that people around him will simply understand his true meaning. 
When he told you : “You’re not even my real mom !”, he obviously didn’t mean it. He was angry because you told him he couldn’t go out on patrol for a few days, as he was grounded for skipping school and going to work on cases instead. 
“But school is boring, I already know everything ??” 
“It’s the principle of it, Damian. You can’t just do what you want whenever you want, this is not how it works. I don’t feel like we’re extremely strict parents, so when you betray our trusts like that, it has consequences.”
Bruce kept out of the argument, ready to jump in however if you needed him to affirm  that yes, actions have consequences and although you two are pretty lax with your son on many fronts, he still has to listen. You and Bruce made clear rules when you first adopted Dick, because you realized your lifestyle was anything but normal, but it didn’t mean your children could just do anything they wanted. 
Neither of you wanted them to turn into privileged little brats. Or to think they were above everything. And you were right, by skipping school so much, and lying about it, Damian did betray your trust. 
Understanding actions had consequences was a big step that took a while, with Damian. Unfortunately, he grew up in an environment that indeed taught him he could do whatever he wanted, no matter if he hurt people on the way... 
Unlearning all this, was tough. And you understood that. Which is why you let things go a lot, with him, and only slowly told him about things. Gradually teaching him about your values and principles. 
However sometimes, like in this case, you needed to be firm and strict, because otherwise he’d just keep doing it knowing it had no bad consequences, and you didn’t want him to simply not go to school anymore...School was important for his social development, you realized it as he made friends and...
And simply, an eleven years old kid couldn’t just roam around all day as he saw fit. That’s it. And so here you were, trying to explain this to him. And that’s when he said it. 
He scrunched up his nose like he always did when he was angry, and then, turning his head away from you, throwing his Robin boots at the back of the cave. 
“You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not even my real mom !” 
And then he bolted out of the Batcave, leaving you behind, with a broken heart and feeling guilty...What if he hates you, because you were too harsh on him ? 
Bruce, that night, did not go out on patrol either, and stayed with you. Of course, he did. 
************
The fact he still listened to you and didn’t go out, made him thought you knew he was just angry and didn’t mean a word of it. 
To him, it was so obvious he thought of you as his mom, and that he said this just because he wanted to have the last word, that he honestly didn’t think much of it. 
Sure he was frustrated and angry, just like any kid was when their parents said : “no” to them. But he didn't mean it... 
He didn’t really see you of the entire day. Finally, he decided to go see his father to ask him what was up. 
“Father ?”
“Yes ?”
“Is-is mom ok ?”
“Well, what do you think ?” 
“She doesn’t seem ok.” 
“Do you know why ?” 
“Did you do something to upset her ?” 
Normally, Bruce would feel vex at this statement. What, did he really do things to upset you that often ? Yes and now. Sometimes,  he would get on your nerve, and vice versa. It happened, in relationships.
But it was never anything major. Not anymore at least. Because now, when he had his “dark days” and could be a total jerk, you knew how to handle him. You knew not to take his bullshit. 
Yes. Normally, Bruce would pout like a child, at the fact his son thought that his mom was feeling down because of him. But not today. No. 
Because he knew that what made you sad, was something important.
Unfortunately, Damian inherited from him his bad habit of thinking others will understand his meaning. 
Like, when he tried to push you away at first so you wouldn't get involved in his crazy life, what he really wanted was for you to get closer...Or when he told you that he was fine at times, all he wanted was for you to hold him and take care of him etc etc...The first time he told you “I love you”, wasn’t with words, but by not going on patrol one night, to stay with you. And he thought you’d immediately understand that he truly loved you...Truth was, it wasn’t as obvious to you (or anyone really) than it was for him. 
And Damian had the same problem. Doing things that he thought would obviously tell his meaning, his real feelings, when really...No one but him would get it. 
Although you became quite good at deciphering your husband’s true intentions, you could still misinterpret things sometimes. 
And yesterday night, when you grounded your son and tried to teach him a life lesson...You definitely didn’t see that he didn’t mean what he said and just wanted the last word. For you, he was seriously meaning it. And that’s why you were avoiding him a little, because it was too hard to...to... 
Damian’s words truly hurt you. You often were scared he could never see you as his mom (even if he did call you mom now and clearly cared for you) because of how he grew up. You’d never give up on him, of course, but it didn’t mean it wouldn’t hurt when he pushed you away or pretended to not care... 
Damian thought it was obvious, that his actions actually reflected how much you meant to him. That without you, he’d be lost and honestly wouldn’t want to live in a world where you weren’t. 
But it wasn’t obvious. 
Bruce sighed, and then smiled : 
“Since when is she acting odd ?” 
“This morning. She didn’t kiss me goodbye when she went to work !”
It felt like such a serious issue to your boy, in that instant, that Bruce wished you were there to see his reaction. You’d instantly know he didn’t mean it, when he said you weren’t his mom... 
But you couldn’t quite face him. You didn’t really avoid him or try to hurt him by not saying goodbye. Of course not, you were an adult, and you definitely knew that doing to others what was done to you is pointless, and mean. And why hurt someone the same way they hurt you ? You’re no better than them uh... 
“Can you think of anything that might’ve upset her ?” 
“I spilled my milk a little, but cleaned it after. I didn’t let Alfred do it like last time. I woke up a minute late, too. Jason hasn’t called in two days, but he was there yesterday afternoon. Dick said she messed up her pumpkin soup but he was just joking and she knows. Tim fell asleep at the breakfast table. You clinging to her this morning apparently made her late, I heard Alfred say it. Um...Cass um...Cass didn’t do anything bad really...None of those things sound like it would upset her though ! She really looked sad this morning, not like herself at all !” 
Bruce couldn’t help but smile. It was pretty cute, how Damian often acted as if he didn’t care about anything, yet no details would ever go past him. Especially not when it came to his family. He always noticed, when one of them felt down in any way, and tried to help (in his own way). 
Hell, he probably woke Tim up and told him to sleep more and take care of himself. Called Jason and told him to call his mom. Scolded Dick to not make this kind of jokes again. 
This was just the Damian that was privy only to them. A sweet child, who unfortunately often had trouble expressing his true feelings. 
Just like his father. 
Damian would often brag about his siblings, and how awesome they were, to his friends (notably to Jon, who didn’t have any siblings). But he’d never tell them right in front of their face. 
Bruce tried to help Damian see what was wrong, and said : 
“What about last night ?” 
“Ugh ? What about last n-OH !” 
Damian replayed the events in his head, and remembered his anger and frustration. But most importantly...What he told his mom. 
“I have to find mom ! Where is she ?!” 
Damian looked absolutely panicked, which was quite unlike him. Bruce answered : 
“She’s at work, she had a meeting with her editor. She should be back soon, though.” 
And on that note, Damian ran out to do god knew what, as Bruce shook his head and...Well, he just knew things would turn out alright. 
************
Alfred almost fainted, when he saw Damian tear off his beautiful flowers from his garden. He almost ran out, and had a very “get off my lawn !” moment...up until he realized that the boy was probably doing this for a reason. 
Oh. Oh his poor lilies.  
Hopefully, this really was for a good reason. A very good one. One so good, that it would stop him from strangling his grandkid, hopefully...
************
When you came home, Damian was waiting for you at the front door. He had a bunch of lilies in his hands (that you were pretty sure were from Alfred’s precious garden) and he looked absolutely frantic. 
He ran to you, almost threw the flowers in your arms, and yelled : 
“I’M SORRY I DIDN’T MEAN IT !! YOU ARE MY REAL MOM ! I WAS JUST ANGRY ! I’M SORRY !!” 
You were a little confused as to why he was yelling, but before you could continue he took a drawing out of his pocket and added : 
“THIS IS A DRAWING OF YOU ! I MADE IT FOR YOU !! YOU ARE MY MOM ! YOU REALLY ARE ! PLEASE FORGIVE ME !! I’M SORRY !! DO NOT BE MAD AT ME !!” 
Still confused as to why he was screaming, you bend down to look at him eye level, settled the flowers on the floor, and said : 
“It’s ok Damian. It’s ok. We all get frustrated sometimes...I won’t lie and say it didn’t hurt, but it’s ok. It happens.” 
Damian’s face showed great relief, and he leaped into your arms, yelling : 
“I LOVE YOU !!” 
You winced as he screamed in your ear, and said : 
“Why are you yelling, little one ?” 
Damian took a step back from you and said : 
“BECAUSE I HAVE TROUBLE EXPRESSING MYSELF AND JASON TOLD ME THAT SAYING THINGS IN AN AGGRESSIVE WAY MIGHT HELP !! AND HE’S RIGHT !! I LOVE YOU !!”
Damian told you he loved you before, in certain moments. When he got really hurt, when you were really hurt, if he felt really sad...It was always a moment full of emotions. And it was still rather hard for him to say the words. 
It didn’t really surprise you that Jason would have such a technique. Yelling his feelings. Yep. Sounds like him alright. And it did seem like it worked for his little brother too. 
Only you and your close family would know, because you were the only ones to truly know him, but those two were more similar than others would think. And it wasn’t because they already killed before. Oh no. On the contrary. 
“I love you too, my little one...” 
You say, as he goes back for another hug, clearly relieved you’re not mad at him. From this day on, he swore to himself that he would really try to tell others’ what he truly felt, even if it meant yelling it at them. Because other wise...otherwise it’d create this sort of terrible situations, in which his mom thought he didn’t think of her as his mom ! 
He couldn’t have it, anymore. Many “I LOVE YOU !!” were heard in the Manor, from that point on. 
DUKE 
“You know you can tell me anything, right ?” 
Duke doesn’t know why this time, this made him snap. 
Today was the anniversary of when his parents got “jokerize”, it had been two years already...And not one step closer to cure them ! He was so frustrated, sad, and lost. And you noticed. 
Duke tend to try to keep things inside. Not that he didn’t want to bother anyone, more like he just thought he HAD to handle things himself. Like it would make him stronger, and therefor, he could protect those he cares about. 
He could protect them, unlike when he could do nothing but watch as his parents fell into madness...He couldn’t bear the thought of this happening to you, Bruce, or any member of this family ! Not again. 
He couldn’t bear it...
“You’re not even my mom ! Stop acting like you are !” 
Are the words he heard himself scream at you as you asked him if everything was ok, and if he needed to talk. As you were caring, once again, and he just couldn’t...he couldn’t stand it ! Not today.
Not today. 
He immediately saw on your face the way you shut down, and took one step behind. The way your face “closed”, and as you said : “I understand.” and left the room, your body stiff and your face inexpressive (which was very unlike you), Duke felt it. 
The guilt. 
Right away.
When those dreaded words were said by all your other kids, they were young. They were all under the age of ten, and the immediate consequences of their actions didn’t truly registered. 
But Duke. 
Duke was almost eighteen. And he knew. He knew he hurt you. 
He felt the need to run after you and apologized, but there was something stopping him. 
After all, it was true right, you weren’t his mom ! His mom was still alive, and she could be cured one day ! HE ALREADY HAVE A MOM ! 
So what if you always cooked him his favorite meal, or knew exactly what his favorite food was ? So what if you would go out of your way to grab his favorite burger from his favorite joints when you knew he felt down ? 
So what, if you were always there when he was sad ? Cheering him up with comfort food, kind words, and just your presence ? 
So what if you knew exactly what would make him feel better, which movie to put on to put a smile on his face ? 
So what, if you spend entire night right by his bedside when he got really hurt, or when he was sick ? 
So what if you’d listen to him at any time of the day or night, and always took time to give him your thoughts on the matter, and truly, truly listen to what he was saying instead of waiting for your turn to speak ? 
So what if you’d make him laugh, smile, feel loved, even as he felt so alone and isolated, especially after he discovered his powers ? 
So what if you never made him feel like he was different because of it ? 
So what if you opened your house’s door without a second thought for this unknown teenager who was also a meta ?!
So what...so what...so what if you obviously cared a lot, and if you...if you... 
He already had a mom. And she might get better one day. 
He couldn’t have two moms. 
...
...
Right ? 
What would happen when his parents would be cured ? Forget all his feelings for the Waynes ? So it’d be easier to pretend he wasn’t part of the family, right ? 
It would be easier. 
Yes. 
But it was too late. 
It was too late... 
He ran after you. Caught up with you in the corridor. Tears in his eyes, he said : 
“I’m sorry, please don’t go...”
And fell into your arms. Almost eighteen years old, yes, but still needed the support of a mother. Of his mother. 
And you were there. You’d always be there, no matter what happened in the future. And he needed you, especially in that moment of frustration, where he really missed his parents, and was starting to lose hope to ever find a cure... 
And you were there.
Who ever made a rule that you could have only one mom anyway, right ?
BRUCE 
They did tell him “you’re not my dad !” too. And for him, it was as terrible as for you. If not worst, on certain aspect. Especially since he had a hard times truly expressing his feelings more often than not. 
He knows how devastating it can feel. He knows it even more, because not only did he feel it as they told him “you’re not my dad !”, but he also felt it as he told Alfred “you’re not my dad !”. He knew the feelings from both sides. 
It enhanced everything. 
Of course, in general, Bruce always felt things more than anyone else around him. He was born like that. Hypersensitive. That’s why he worked so much on hiding his true feelings, and appearing detached and cold. 
It’s much easier, than to always being overemotional. Of course, it didn’t mean he felt nothing. On the contrary, he felt everything. He was just better, nowadays, at pretending he was okay. At pretending he didn’t care. 
Ah. But you existed. 
You. 
The only person that could always see through his bullshit, and know when he was lying and fake smiling. 
Between the two of you, there has always been something. Even before you were together. It was an irrational and irresistible attraction. 
An unbreakable bond. Always supporting each others. 
You have no idea how you’d live without him. And he couldn’t even fathom a world without you. It’s a world he wouldn’t like very much...  
Even during the worst times, and oh you went through a lot together, you knew at least...at least you’d have warm arms to fall asleep in. At least, you’d have each others. 
Bruce had known pain so strong he sometimes wished death would just take him away. And then you came in. Ready to put up with his shit, and to not give up on him even when he gave you every reason to. 
And oh, oh he gave you back everything times a thousand. You knew he’d never let you fall. Not alone. 
Whenever something hurtful as your children telling you two you weren’t their real parents happened...It’s when you truly realized how vital you were to each others. 
When you fell, Bruce was there to catch you. 
When he fell, you were there to catch him. 
Better to fall together, than to stand alone. 
__________________________________________________
And here we are :). I hope you liked it ? Don’t hesitate to leave a little feedback and reblog if you want to ^^. I’m a little afraid I disappointed y’all for some reasons haha. I couldn’t explain. Self-confidence crisis hahaha. I finished writing that late, and exhausted after a hard week, maybe it plays into account ? Anyway, I really do hope you enjoyed your time reading this :). And thanks for reading, of course ^^. 
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snowyhobbit · 3 years ago
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I'm reading Shakespeare's Pericles Prince of Tyre to help with my If We Were Villains hangover and if you think im dissecting every single line to work out what happened after THAT ending? You're absolutely correct. Let's dive right in.
That whoso ask'd her for his wife,
His riddle told not, lost his life
Right from the beginning, the audience is told that, for someone to win Antiochus' daughter as their love interest, that man must solve a riddle or death would follow. What is James' note to Oliver if not a riddle? More than that, like Pericles, he is reaching out to Oliver, asking him for help. The death that would follow Oliver not solving the riddle would be James Farrow since, even if he does live, he'd remain dead to the world - but of course Oliver notices the hidden message immediately.
So sharp are hunger's teeth, that man
and wife
Draw lots who first shall die to
lengthen life
Here Cleon is lamenting the poverty of Tarsus and he notes how couples are deciding who shall die so the other might live. James made that decision withour Oliver's knowledge but, reading more into the words, we have death being treated as a means to continue living. James was suffering in his despair and he would have thought that the only way he could continue living is as someone else. He chose to let James die but, as an actor, he is practiced at letting one name go before taking up another - thereby lengthening his life.
At the beginning of Act II, Gower returns and remarks:
And he, good prince, having all lost,
By waves from coast to coast is tost:
Till fortune, tired with doing bad,
Threw him ashore, to give him glad
The relevance to James here seems pretty clear. Referring to Pericles as good prince seems notably similar to Oliver calling James worthy prince as they concluded their fateful performance of King Lear. The mention of fortune is also interesting as, in the aftermath of Richard, one way James tries to cope is to give up responsibility and blame fate. It's not inconceivable that James decided to give himself up to fate and let the waves either claim him or throw him onto a new shore to start again.
Then we get to the lines James specifically left for Oliver:
the sea hath cast me on the rocks,
Wash'd me from shore to shore, and left me breath
Nothing to think on but ensuing death:
And have no more of life than may suffice
To give my tongue that heat to ask your help;
Which if you shall refuse, when I am dead,
For that I am a man, pray see me buried.
James is giving Oliver a choice here. After the huge sacrifice Oliver made for him, he wouldn't blame him if he refused this plea for help. If he does, he only requests when I am dead...pray see me buried. James could be asking Oliver to let James Farrow stay dead to the rest of the world - even if he now suspects he may yet live. We can't underestimate the extent of James' guilt when he disappeared - he must have felt he had no right to ask Oliver for anything else whilst simultaneously knowing that he would answer his plea regardless because that's just who Oliver is - always generous to his fellow performers even to own detriment.
This was a goodly person,
Till the disaster that, one mortal night,
Drove him to this.
It is no wonder James returned to this particular play in the years of Oliver's incarceration. Helicanus is lamenting how one mortal night has driven Pericles to the shell he has become. A good man wrecked by a single tragic event. If anyone can relate to that - it's James.
This play is about a tragic figure, who thinks he's lost all, eventually being reuinted with those he loves. These lines are from Pericles' reunion with his wife, Thaisa:
O, come, be buried
A second time within these arms.
We know James has been buried once, lost at sea, and in order to go on I shall be telling myself that he will be buried a second time in Oliver's arms. Pericles Prince of Tyre ends with the joy that comes from a reunion after lovers being separated for years - 14 years to be exact which, if Oliver finds James, will be the same amount of time since the two of them first met at Dellecher.
So if, like me, you've been a little broken by unanswered questions since finishing that last page take heart because I am now more convinced than ever that James and Oliver will be crown'd with joy at last.
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wonda-cat · 4 years ago
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Misconceptions About Tommyinnit’s Character That Genuinely INFURIATE Me
Since the recent events following the second L’Manburg Festival and subsequent war, I’ve seen many, many hot takes surrounding the nature of Tommyinnit’s character on the SMP. Some of which annoyed me to the point where I felt compelled to sit down and actually write this. I’m going to only be highlighting the most common complaints or questions I’ve seen, one by one, in hopes of providing a better understanding of Tommy’s character for anyone interested. (I also briefly discuss Techno and Tubbo’s characters as well.)
If you’ve said similar things to what I’m going to be discussing below, please know that it’s perfectly understandable how you’d come to these conclusions. Some of these aspects of Tommy’s character are not always obvious; especially if being watched from another streamer’s POV. This may become quite lengthy, so bear with me for now.
“Tommy’s motives are all over the place. He can’t decide whether he wants the discs back or not.”
Tommy is actually one of the most motivationally consistent characters on the entire Dream SMP. Even Techno, someone completely confident in their ideals, does more motivational flipping than Tommy. From the very start of the story, Tommy has always cared for three things; L’Manburg, Tubbo, and his music discs. However, him caring for something is not itself a motivation. 
Surprisingly enough, his motivation isn’t even just, ‘Get my discs back,’ like many assume it is. Tommy’s one true motivation, since the end of the Independence War, has always been, ‘Keep things the way they are now.’ 
Tommy’s one fatal flaw is that he is resistant to change and refuses to let go of the past. This is seen through all of his actions and words; in all conflicts involving him. This flaw is the drive to all of Tommy’s mistakes. Burning down George’s house, an action which resulted in him getting exiled, was done out of a desire to pull pranks the way he used to before the first war. His friendship with Ranboo started because Tommy said he reminded him of Tubbo, back before he was President. 
Tommy still talks highly of Wilbur because he chooses to remember him as the wise, kind mentor who cared for him. This motive is the reason he defends L’Manburg so fiercely; it’s his memory of a better past. This is why he holds grudges more often than any other character; especially refusing to forgive Techno after he killed Tubbo during the Manburg Massacre.
It’s why Tommy falls under extreme distress whenever Tubbo or Quackity tell him that something will never be the same again. This motivation is entirely formed from an underlying desire for peace and comfort, something Tommy has been denied since being forced into a life wrought with war and death. To accept change, to Tommy, is painful and terrifying. But he will only ever truly be happy when he finally learns to let go.
“Why do the discs matter so much to Tommy? They’re not actually worth anything.”
Tommy’s discs are much more than just any ordinary pair of music discs. They were never important for their material worth, but for what Tommy was willing to sacrifice in order to keep them. Tommy is entirely what gives the discs their value. 
Tommy also commonly operates under the Sunk-Cost Fallacy, wherein he’s invested too much of himself into something to just abandon it, even if it’s causing him problems. This mentality is a huge piece of what keeps him tied to both L’Manburg and to his discs. He’s sacrificed too much at this point to simply let them go. If he admits the discs are worthless, then he’s admitting that he wasted all this time and effort, just to keep them.
The discs also act as a constant source of hope for Tommy because they are directly tied with his motivations as a character. They’re something he’s had since the very beginning. They’re something he used to listen to with Tubbo on their shared bench. 
To Tommy, they symbolize a life before war, filled with comfort and peace. They are a love letter to his country and his late mentor Wilbur. They are a physical representation of Tubbo’s companionship. They are the only thing, besides L’Manburg and his best friend, that gives him the hope that he can one day return things to the way they used to be. 
This ideal, paired with Tommy’s refusal to let go, has left him ruthlessly pursuing the things he’s lost. Not his music discs, but his peace and comfort, his friendship, his country, his mentor Wilbur, and his life before war.
In his desperation to hold onto his prized possession, it has only hurt and pushed away the people that love him. If Tommy continues to ignore this reality, while still refusing to resolve his major flaw entwined with it, he will lose all that the discs had once stood for. He will lose his country, then his friend Tubbo, and then he will lose himself.
“Tommy never grows or learns from his mistakes. This makes him a badly written character.”
Characters do not have to constantly learn from their actions to be well-written. Tommy is one of the best examples of this. The fact that his growth is infrequent is the entire point of his character; it’s completely stemmed from his fatal flaw. 
By addressing himself, he would be accepting change, something that terrifies him; something he stubbornly resists until he is absolutely forced to confront it. Contrary to popular belief, Tommy knows when he makes mistakes, but he pretends to be ignorant as to avoid facing reality. He digs his head in the sand despite knowing better, puppeteering the person he used to be during happier times, now gone.
In spite of his infrequent growth, the idea that Tommy still hasn’t learned anything isn’t quite correct either. Tommy, as of the last three plot streams, has shown incredible character development. By giving up his discs again, he had finally demonstrated that Tubbo is more important to him than his possessions. Speaking as a makeshift leader, he put aside his issues with others to rally them together against a common threat, something which Tommy had never been able to do before. He owned up to all of his mistakes openly, apologizing to everyone he’s ever hurt in one place. 
He apologized to Tubbo after they were reunited and came to terms with the fact that Tubbo was forced to exile him without choice, finally forgiving him. He was kind to Sapnap and learned how to be his friend after months of bitter rivalry. And these are only a few examples. This isn’t to say Tommy has overcome/fixed everything because he clearly hasn’t. There are still major things Tommy needs to work through that remain unaddressed, the biggest being his complicated relationship with Technoblade.
“Tommy only cares about himself. He does everything in his power to be the hero, always putting himself in the center of attention, especially during Doomsday.”
Tommy, since the start of the L’Manburg War for Independence, has never set out to be a hero. Not once. He may fall into the role of the protagonist, but his identity as a hero was pushed onto him by others. Giving up the discs was his only option during the Independence War. 
So when Wilbur called him a hero for it, Tommy said he didn’t feel like he was. During the November 16th War, Tommy again said he didn’t feel like a hero because he had lost what he thought was everything at the time. During exile, Tommy certainly knew he was no hero. And upon reuniting with Tubbo, he admitted to feeling like the farthest thing from it. That he’d hurt everyone and all he wanted to do now was fix it. 
The day before Doomsday, Tommy only took a leadership position because no one else was willing to, filling the role for Tubbo, who was crumbling under pressure. He had no choice but to try to bring everyone together, or fight alone. Most viewers never saw this during Doomsday, but before the battle, almost everyone who had vowed to fight alongside L’Manburg had abandoned them the very next day. They were convinced it was going to be destroyed either way, no matter what they did, so they chose not to see it through to the end; ultimately leaving Tommy and those who remained to fight a losing battle, alone. 
After about a third of the way through the battle, it became clear to everyone that they could do nothing to win. One by one, everyone stopped fighting and stood by to watch their country go up in smoke. Tommy was the only person on the battlefield who refused to stand down and give up. And so he took over the role as leader again, trying his best to keep them alive, to keep Tubbo hopeful; to keep fighting, no matter what. 
However, what most people don’t realize, is that this isn’t Tommy trying to be a hero or force himself into the spotlight. This is Tommy trying to convince himself to keep going. Because whenever things start to look hopeless, Tommy simply chooses to ignore them. He puts on a happy face and soldiers through it because that’s all he knows how to do. Tommy, at his core, is someone who wants peace through stagnation. He doesn’t want to fight, although causing the occasional friendly conflict is how he finds fun. He doesn’t set out to purposely hurt others. 
Tommy may come across as self-centered, but this is because he is an extremely extroverted character. He finds energy and joy in the attention of others, both good and bad. It’s why he’s always seeking the approval of others and, oftentimes, will destructively insert himself into another person’s life in order to find it. 
Out of every character in the story, Tommy is the most drawn to praise and positive reinforcement. He is constantly seeking out mentors and friends because Tommy needs someone else to help him feel confident in his own identity and abilities. It’s why Wilbur was such a positive influence on him. His boisterous confidence has always been a front because if anyone were to actually hurt him, he knows it will make his self-esteem crumble instantly. 
This is part of why Dream’s manipulation was so effective against him. By isolating him, he’s left without energy and looking to another person’s guidance. Tommy outwardly may seem independent and rude, but just under the skin, he’s unconfident and lost when he’s by himself. Tommy will only grow from this flaw when he finds his own identity and inner confidence; when he finally learns to be okay with being alone.
“Tommy goes to the festival solely to get his disc back and then tells Tubbo to give it away immediately after. That doesn’t make any sense.”
Before the screaming match between the two friends during the second L’Manburg Festival, Tommy had been in exile, manipulated by Dream for long enough to lose his will to carry on. It is because of him that Tommy’s reality becomes distorted, long after fleeing from his abuser. This mangling of ideals leads Tommy to subconsciously believe that L’Manburg and Tubbo are unsalvageable. 
Therefore, the only thing he has hopes of retrieving are his discs, which are easier to manage than the latter two things. And so Tommy does reprehensible things at the behest of Techno in a vain hope of getting them back, going so far as to kidnap and torture for them. This ultimately culminates in a confrontation between the ex-friends, quickly turning violent. It is in this violence that we see Tommy has sunk to his absolute lowest point in his journey. 
Swinging his axe, he nearly kills his friend as he delivers a string of words that cause the room to silence instantly. He says the discs were always worth more than his friend. Within the quiet of the room, Tommy is forced to reflect on everything he’s done. How he kidnapped and tortured Connor. How he accidentally drowned Fundy. How he traumatized Ranboo. 
And now he’s hurt Tubbo, the one person he has always sought to protect; someone he vowed to never hurt. This realization causes Tommy to break. He’s so ashamed of himself that he can’t look at anyone. Tommy knows now that he is worse than anyone he’s ever hated. 
With pain in his voice, he tries and fails to apologize to Tubbo in the moment. The only way he knows to redeem himself now is to prove to Tubbo, after everything, that he can still put the discs aside. And so he does.
“The fact that Tommy is still trying to get his discs back after L’Manburg was destroyed is unreasonable and ridiculous.”
Tommy deals with grief in an interesting way, doing something very similar to Techno. His grief almost instantly becomes anger and a drive to prove himself. It morphs into a need for vengeance in response to injustice, always. 
After the destruction of L’Manburg, Tommy saying he wants the discs back is a double-sided motivator. The obvious side being: Tommy still needs them to feel comfort. The subtle side beneath it: Tommy is using them as an excuse to find Dream and kill him. To make him pay for helping destroy their home, hurting his friends, and abusing him in exile. 
Upon the loss of his home, I’d also argue the discs have only grown more important to Tommy in the aftermath. Typically, in grief, people hold onto things that survive devastation far more than if the tragic event never occurred. If your eldest child dies, one may hold their surviving children tighter. If your house burns down, one may deeply treasure a box of items that survived the flames. Tommy’s desperation after losing so much is entirely understandable.
On top of this, the discs are still the core to Tommy’s fatal flaw. They are what keeps him from achieving total happiness, so him getting over this intrinsic part of himself so easily would make for an unsatisfying character arc. He still has to work for his happiness in order to change for the better. 
To add, I’ve seen a lot of people complaining that Tommy is still prioritizing the discs over Tubbo, especially in that moment. And while I mostly agree, there are some interactions that stand out to me as being different between the pair that may imply otherwise. Tommy says a few times that despite L’Manburg being destroyed, he still has something left to lose; each time, turning to look at Tubbo. 
This subtly implies that losing Tubbo would be as devastating as losing his home. Tubbo also never voices disagreement over Tommy’s continued pursuit of the item. However, Tubbo frequently does what he thinks will make others happy, so this doesn’t implicitly mean support for Tommy either. Besides these two things, this is still Tommy’s fatal flaw shining through, continuing to hurt others around him. 
I only hope Tubbo can learn to stand up for himself and voice his real thoughts to Tommy now, after everything. It would provide at least some desperately-needed closure for Tubbo’s character.
“How could Tommy betray Techno like that? Techno told him upfront what he was going to do.”
While it’s true that Techno was obvious about his plans, Tommy was also just as upfront with Techno about what he thought of it. In fact, maybe even more so, considering Techno attempted to hide them from Tommy for a good portion of their partnership. Whenever Techno brought up the idea of destroying L’Manburg or hurting Tubbo, Tommy would always remind Techno that he didn’t want to hurt anyone. And that if Techno ever did, Tommy would be there to stand in his way. He never once stopped saying this. 
Tommy’s two major positive character traits have always been his undying loyalty and his strength to never give up, even in the face of death. Two classically heroic qualities, both of which, ironically, reinforce his fatal flaw. His refusal to change makes him stubborn; stubbornness being the only quality that makes unwavering loyalty and extreme persistence feasible. 
Because of these two traits, it was impossible from the start for Dream to completely break Tommy’s spirit and for Techno to get him to agree to anything too extreme. Despite this, Techno already had no hope of keeping Tommy on his side after the events of the day before the Festival. During it, Tommy had asked multiple times for Techno to give his word not to hurt anyone. That they’d only threaten to spawn a wither, get Techno’s remaining weapons in exchange, then leave. That’s it.
Techno avoided directly promising Tommy but still agreed not to regardless. So when Techno chose to spawn the wither anyway, despite Tommy urging them to leave multiple times, whatever trust Tommy had with him went completely out the window. Thus, when the threat was finally real, that Techno would make due on his promise to burn his home country to the ground and slaughter his friends, Tommy intervened. It would be unreasonable to expect Tommy not to stand against him in that moment, especially after his mental breakdown which ensued as a result of him nearly killing his best friend. 
Adding salt to the wound on Tommy’s end, Techno decided to also align himself with Dream, someone Techno knew Tommy was afraid of. This might have been a way to purposely hurt Tommy. More likely, it was because Dream and him shared a common goal in the moment and Techno desperately needed allies.
However, the implication of Techno siding with Tommy’s abuser most certainly hurt him, regardless of its original intentions. This is possibly why Tommy kept insisting through Doomsday that Techno betrayed him, avoiding actually telling anyone the reason as to why. If he couldn’t find the words to describe what Dream did to him, even to Tubbo, he certainly wouldn’t be able to tell Techno either.
“Techno gave Tommy everything, only to be repaid with betrayal.”
This statement regarding Tommy is the one I see most often. (It is also the one I get the most heated about.)
Dream’s character is well known for his manipulation tactics against other characters; pitting them against each other, crushing them under his heel, bending their will to conform to his own. It’s what makes him an interesting villain. It’s something fun to discuss. 
But is it still fun to discuss manipulation tactics if they’re so subtle, almost no one notices them? This is the paradigm Technoblade’s character falls into. While people know Techno for his laid-back personality, dry humor, and complex motivations, many fail to recognize him as a manipulator. The reason why this is so hard to spot is because it is mostly unintentional on behalf of the character. Dream performs his craft with intention, Techno does it without realizing. 
As well as this being unwitting, it is sandwiched between Techno’s actual attempts to connect with Tommy and care for him. Thus, making the manipulation feel less damaging. The only problem is, this still hurts Tommy just as much, regardless of the intentions behind it. Especially after just escaping Dream, Tommy’s reality and sense of identity are horribly distorted. In this vulnerable state, he desperately needs healing and someone to help ground him. This is what makes him even more susceptible to Techno’s influence. 
And because it is much subtler, it is harder to notice, and much harder to break free from. Despite Tommy claiming to hate Techno for what he did on November 16th, he still chose to flee to his house because it was the only place he could think of going, as well as being the safest area possible. After the failed execution, Techno mentioned potentially hurting Tubbo through a vengeance plot. Tommy voiced extreme distress over this, to which Techno threatened to kick him out of his house. 
Tommy then says he’s fine being homeless because he doesn’t want anything to do with someone who would hurt his friend. This is when Techno decides to weaponize Tommy’s own trauma against him. To be fair to Techno again, Tommy never told him the extent of the abuse he suffered in exile. But Techno isn’t stupid. He knows Tommy is extremely afraid of Dream, and for good reason. 
So he tells Tommy that if he were kicked out, he’d be defenseless. That if he were out there all alone, Dream would find him very easily. That Dream would drag him right back to Logstedshire in an instant. He notices the way Tommy reacts to this, how quickly he changes his mind about being kicked out. He continues to use this trauma repeatedly in order to keep Tommy under his roof, no matter how disagreeable he gets about Techno’s plans. He knows he can’t retrieve his weapons alone because he has no leverage. 
Therefore, using Tommy like a wild card was a major side strategy. Techno knows it will hurt Tubbo by doing this and may make the President more willing to compromise. In addition to this, many of the strategies Techno utilizes are Narcissistic manipulation tactics, categorized by their intent to keep the victim in a position below the abuser in terms of worth. This includes Techno using the silent treatment as a punishment, something which hurts Tommy since he craves affection from others. 
He also attempts to isolate Tommy by telling him he doesn’t need anyone else; that everyone abandoned him during exile (something which Dream has also said.) He tells Tommy that he’s only alive because Techno is there to defend him and supply for him, as well as constantly reminding Tommy to not let any compliments he receives get to his head. These are both meant to make Tommy depend more on Techno and doubt his own abilities. Techno also occasionally engages in subtle gaslighting, attempting to sow doubt in Tommy’s mind about his relationships with Tubbo, Quackity, Ranboo, and Fundy. 
It’s also vital to keep in mind what exactly separates Dream and Techno in this regard. The most important thing being that Techno actually does care about Tommy. He trusts him and wants to earnestly help him. He knows Tommy has been traumatized and abused in some way, but he doesn’t know how to help because he’s not that great with people. It also doesn’t help that Tommy is unable to tell anyone what happened. 
In the end, Techno really does want to be a shield for Tommy. Despite debating handing Tommy over to Dream, it’s more likely Techno was using this as bait for Dream to waste his favor on something useless. After all, he could always save Tommy, should he ask for him to. Techno’s warnings about Tubbo and L’Manburg also come from a place of love, as Techno was personally hurt by them and wants to protect Tommy by telling him to leave it behind. However, just because something is done out of love, doesn’t mean it’s automatically helpful or good for someone. 
There’s no better example of this than in Techno’s most damaging and frequently used tactic: ‘Buy Their Love,’ a technique commonly used on children by narcissistic parents. At first glance, nothing seems wrong. Techno gives Tommy most things he asks for; providing him with food, gifts, protection, and a place to sleep. The manipulation within this arises when the act of kindness is counted as a debt against the person who receives it. That by receiving so many good things, they would be ungrateful to go against their abuser. Doesn’t matter if they emotionally or physically hurt you, they gave you gifts, so you should shut your mouth and allow the abuse to continue. 
Whenever Tommy speaks out against Techno’s violent actions or his plans to hurt his friends, Techno would frequently bring up all his ‘good deeds.’ He consistently reminds Tommy that he could’ve just thrown him back to Dream, but he was too kind. That he went out of his way to give him gear, food, and a roof over his head. That he was kind so Tommy should be quiet and let Techno plot to hurt the people he loves. Or else he’s selfish and ungrateful. Or else Techno will take all of his gifts back and leave him with nothing.
Knowing this, it is horrifying seeing people justifying this behavior by mocking Tommy’s character and calling him ungrateful using this very same fallacy. (Especially for those who grew up being controlled by this very tactic.) 
It is through knowing Techno’s use of the ‘Buy Their Love,’ method that makes Tommy’s, ‘I am worthy,’ response, not one of betrayal, but one of triumph. This moment is a major positive character change for Tommy for many reasons. When Tommy decides to stand against Techno, this causes him to fall back on his most reliable tactic. He insults Tommy and then asks for the Axe of Peace back. Instead of caving, Tommy refuses. 
By keeping the Axe of Peace, Techno’s final gift to him, he is not only rejecting the destruction of all he loves, but he is breaking free from Techno’s manipulation. He says, ‘I am worthy,’ because now he knows his own self-worth. He doesn’t need Techno or Dream to decide it for him. This moment is Tommy finally breaking free from not just Techno, but Dream as well. He is finally free.
“Tommy was only using Techno and never thought of him as a friend.”
Tommy and Techno’s relationship is complicated, which is why pretending only one side was in the wrong isn’t entirely accurate. Their friendship, in summary, is tragic when fully examined; being doomed from the start. Techno and Tommy are brought into conflict often because they are simultaneously so similar and so different. Techno and Tommy both deal with grief in the same way. They both long for a life of peace and comfort. They each long for companionship, hold their ideals in kind, and are both naturally resilient in the face of adversity. 
Yet, their personalities and courses of action are polar opposites. What makes this friendship one of tragedy is the fact that not just Techno, not just Tommy, but both of them, actually thought the other was their friend. They had each wanted to be the other’s friend since the day they’d met. Tommy never stopped wanting to impress Techno and get on his good side, even if his methods annoyed the target of his affections. Him calling Techno ‘The Blade’ was never meant to dehumanize him; it was a title of adoration. 
Along the same spectrum, Techno is a character who generally longs for friendship, but pretends not to after a lifetime of hurt. He’s been burned too many times, and so he chooses to stay alone. Techno is generally very reclusive and awkward around others, so when he likes someone or cares for them, it’s noticeable from a mile away. Their friendship has a very brotherly dynamic, and the fact that Techno allowed him to stay in his house, implies Tommy is a step above pretty much everyone else but Phil. Putting up with Tommy’s shenanigans is itself a sign of affection. 
However, when their goals come into conflict and the two start to drift apart, they deal with this in massively different ways. With Tommy devastated and enraged, and with Techno withdrawn and hurt, once more burned by someone he slowly learned to trust. They were once both friends, neither one was pretending. Yet, both of them thought their companionship was unreciprocated. 
On top of this, both Techno and Tommy were using each other. Techno used Tommy to get his weapons back by manipulating and lying to him. Tommy used Techno to protect him from Dream and get his discs back. They each hurt the other and refused to listen, both shouting valid complaints at the other that they refused to hear. 
Their relationship is also deeply affected by the themes of vengeance in the current arc, which is something I haven’t seen many people talk about. Most of the current conflicts this past month have resulted from characters being unable to forgive, resorting to revenge as a way to cope with loss. L’Manburg was the first to initiate this, through the influence of Quackity. The Butcher Army was formed to punish Techno for a war crime he committed. And while this is perfectly reasonable, what isn’t is the way the incident was orchestrated. It was an unchecked abuse of power to execute someone without a fair trial, as well as punishing Phil, who was not involved whatsoever. 
This was also particularly unfair to Techno, as many projected their anger at Wilbur onto him. Even Tommy did this, finding himself unable to blame his late mentor, so Techno was the next best option for him. However, it was Techno’s response to this that was interesting. He chose a path of vengeance, the same way L’Manburg did, after vowing to live his life as a pacifist. By doing this and following through, he hurt everyone, not just the people he claimed needed to pay for their actions. 
Instead of just picking the weed in the garden, he set the entire flower bed on fire. Through L’Manburg’s destruction, he gets what he wants. He destroys their government, but he also scars the earth and shatters the sky. He leaves uninvolved people homeless, deeply hurting Ranboo, Eret, and especially Ghostbur. Philza turns to vengeance as well, taking his anger at the death of his son out on people who do not deserve it. 
Tubbo, a day before the second Festival, was given another chance to seek revenge when Techno had spawned a wither on their land. Instead, all Tubbo could say was, ‘We do nothing … It’s pointless, vengeance. It’s poisonous.’ By doing this, he has managed to be a bigger person than even Techno was, with the strength and maturity to turn the other cheek. And now with Tommy’s plan to kill Dream, the conflict continues to escalate; only ending where forgiveness begins. 
It’s sad to think, if Techno didn’t choose a path of vengeance and Tommy was strong enough to tell Techno how he really felt, the two might have remained friends. Who knows? Maybe they still can.
“Tommy was the one in the wrong. Techno was right to destroy L’Manburg.”
Techno is a lovely character. He’s well-written, engaging, funny. He has many values and quirks that are generally relatable and interesting. His motives are deeply understandable and sympathetic. And yet, he is perfectly capable of being evil, in just the same way that Tommy can be deeply flawed despite being the protagonist. 
I’m sure most people already know that Technoblade is a villain. Or more accurately, a tragic antagonist. Techno (the streamer) knows he is and he’s having fun playing that part. Just because a character is morally in the wrong doesn’t mean their values and ideology don’t have merit. The best character I could compare Techno to is Thanos. 
They have completely valid concerns and points, but it is the way in which they go about achieving their goals that makes them into evil people. And despite this, many will still agree with them, even after they do something reprehensible. Contrary to popular belief, Technoblade’s tendency towards violence isn’t a good thing, no matter how you look at it. Even Techno himself knows this, that’s why he decided to reform and become a pacifist with Phil. He was not a good influence on Tommy, on top of also manipulating him. 
Techno caving to hatred and vengeance makes him no different to the resolve of the Butcher Army that pursued him. It is precisely the fact that he went on to destroy the home of not just Tommy, but also Ranboo and Ghostbur, that puts him in the wrong. He is allowed to despise all government and remove himself from it, but the moment he decided to insert himself into someone else’s country and take their home from them in order to destroy it, he abandoned an integral principle to his own values. 
This principle being: ‘Choice.’ The act of letting others be free to decide what they want for themselves. It is a huge component to the concept of anarchy, the freedom to choose. And yet Techno robbed this from, not just the ruling powers that hurt him, but individuals who were not even involved in the first place. He justifies this by saying it’s for their own good, that he’s helping; while acting in a self-serving manner. 
In his anger, he became the punisher, stooping lower than L’Manburg has ever gone. There is also the issue of Dream weaponizing Techno to destroy the one thing that has been a thorn in his side since the very start, manipulating Techno’s grief to achieve his goals. Tommy’s biggest sin in the Doomsday War was standing up to Techno and getting in the way of him hurting his friends and destroying his home. 
This isn’t to say Tommy is perfect, because he still hurt everyone he ever loved. But the only way he knew to redeem himself was to fight for what he knew was right. And so he chose to fight alongside his best friend, Tubbo. However, just because Techno is in the wrong doesn’t mean others are wrong for wanting to side with him, or by finding joy in his ruthlessness. The biggest appeal of Techno is the fact that he opposes people like Tommy. 
He knows how to put people in their place and it’s satisfying to watch. Some people love rooting for villains and it’s entertaining to see a being with so much power crush everyone else down so effortlessly. Especially because it’s so easy to sympathize with Technoblade. Sympathetic villains are the best kind; where they have understandable motivations, relatable flaws, people they love, and something they can lose. Dream is a villain you love to hate. Technoblade is a villain you hate to love. Simple as. 
Despite the destruction of L’Manburg being either devastating or fantastic depending on who you are, there is one major good it has done. It has pushed Tommy more towards the completion of his character arc. By losing one of the three things he loves, it will be impossible for him to pretend any longer. He will be forced to confront reality very soon. It all depends on whether Tubbo will have to die first for him to finally see it.
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linkspooky · 3 years ago
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The Hands that Will Save the League
In chapter 321 we're reminded once again of the reoccurring motif of hands reaching out to save someone in need, especially with the double spread close-up of Iida's hands reaching for Deku's hands. I couldn't help but think how this could apply to the league of villains. Hand symbolism has always been associated with Shigaraki (duh), both in the fact that his hands destroy everything they touched, and also his reason for being a villain stems from the fact that not a single hand reached out to save him that day. However, we've also had another character in the league with hands drawn up close and personal reaching out to save the others: spinner.
1. Just an Empty Cosplayer
I'm not the first one to make this observation. @codenamesazanka pointed this out long before me, especially in regards to Spinner's importance to the league, but basically, Spinner's role is that despite being a teenage mutant ninja turtle he's also the everyman of the league. He's not connected to the main conflict of the story by bloodline or legacy, the way Shigaraki, Dabi, and Compress are. He's not someone with an incredibly powerful or deviant quirk like Twice or Toga. He is a victim, but he doesn't have the elaborate villain backstories of Twice, Shigaraki, Dabi, and Toga.
He literally is just some guy with a lizard quirk. He has the weakest quirk in the league and the weakest reason for why he joined the league. Spinner faces societal abuse because of his quirk, but what spurred him to action was seeing Stain appear on TV, and a desire to be a less empty person than he was before. Spinner was pushed, he was rejected by society, but I would say as an inverse to the league who are driven by extraordinary circumstances, Spinner is basically an every man who drives himself to keep up with the rest of the league despite seemingly lacking everything "special" they have.
And I believe this every man quality, and this drive Spinner has is what's going to be the key to piecing the league back together. It's because Spinner sees himself as so far behind the rest of the league, and so much less special than they are, that he's driven to try to understand them.
Not only is Spinner a member who has tried to understand every member of the league in one way or another, Spinner is also someone who similiar to Sihgaraki foils every single character in the league despite just being an everyman.
2. Spinner and Toga
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While Spinner and Toga may not have the same level of development to their interactions as Twice and Toga, Spinner reaches out to her once but not twice, and there are a lot of parallels you can draw between the characters.
Both Spinner and Toga joined the league for the same reason, an empty admiration for Stain, without really caring about Stain's ideals. Toga admires Stain because he's covered in blood and fighting for something and she wants to become more like the people she admires, Spinner because he saw himself as pathetic for hiding in his room all day and when he saw Stain taking a stand trying to change the whole world on his own he wanted to become that way too. Which means both of them have a tendency to want to become more like the people they admire, because their own sense of personal identity is so weak.
Himiko and Spinner both define themselves by the way society has rejected them. Spinner has internalized the idea that he's an empty person who can't accomplish anything on his own, every terrible thing other people said about him due to his heteromorph quirk he accepted it. At the same time, Toga was somebody born with a "dangerous quirk" who was told to repress it and then did that living under a fake identity as a normal school girl that would please her parents and the people around her for as long as she could. Both Toga and Spinner are taught by the society around them to be self-loathing and to repress themselves because of their quirks. They're also characters who are both defined by a desire for release.
When Spinner asks if Toga still wants to be in the league because of Stain and she responds, Now I wanna become everyone I love. Spinner comments, "You're so free."
Spinner and Toga both claim they joined the league because of love for another person, they both loved and admired some aspect of Stain, but their real reason for joining, or at least the reason they stay is that deep down both of them desire the freedom to be themselves. Toga wrapping her desires up in language like love for other people, and wanting to become them, is because deep down she believes because of her quirk there's no one who would accept her for herself, as the normal girl she believes she is, no one will let her live as Toga thus she tries to become other people. It's the same for Spinner, who believes he can't be anything other than the Lizard Freak, so he too tries to dress himself up and become a Stain Cosplayer. It's only through the league's acceptance that Toga and Spinner slowly begin to learn that they are good enough on their own, just as themselves, and their priorities begin to shift.
3. Spinner and Twice
Twice and Spinner have several backstory parallels already. They are both characters affected by poverty, Spinner lived in a backwater town plagued by old views of heteromorph quirks, Twice lost his parents and began working to support himself at a young age before becoming homeless. Spinner and Twice were also both labeled in a way that stuck with them, after Twice got a criminal charge in an accident on his permanent record he couldn't find another job after being labeled deviant. Spinner was labeled as a deviant because of his quirk and the idea that he's a lizard freak has always stuck with him the same way that Twice has internalized the idea that "bad people don't get saved."
They also both chose to isolate themselves because of the circumstances they faced. Twice's first response to homelessness was to decide to never trust anybody but himself, and he became a criminal who pulled off heists with only clones of himself as team members until that stopped working for him. Spinner's response was also to shut himself away in his room and become a NEET. They both cut themselves off to the society that labeled them as unacceptable, but in the process they also cut themselves off from other people and became unable to trust others.
While they have major backstory parallels, I believe the greatest parallel between them is going to be that Spinner will inherit that role that Twice had for the league. While Shigaraki is the leader, Twice more than anybody else believed the League to be a family, and encouraged everyone to be friendly with one another.
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It's Twice more than anyone else who emphasizes the bond of the league, that they're all strays, that they need to take care of each other and save each other. It's Twice who urges Shigaraki to save Giran because he's one of them. He makes the unspoken bond of the league as a group of miscreants into a spoken one, because Twice wants those things, he's well aware of the fact that he wants trust and acceptance and came to the league to find those things. This is the greatest thing that ties Spinner and Twice's characters together, because they both view themselves as worthless, they define themselves by how they help the other members of the league.
Twice's death so far isn't something that has been really capitalized on by the plot, Hawks has yet to face consequences, we haven't gotten to see much of the league's reaction because they were scattered soon afterwards. However, if Twice's death is going to cause development eventually I believe it will be in the vacuum in the league created now that Twice is gone. There is no longer someone who is urging all of them to be together. Twice's death causes most of the league to become less stable. Toga goes on a killing spree, Dabi attacks Hawks, Compress tries to kill himself in a heroic sacrifice, Shigaraki hasn't gotten the chance to react yet but he's also gotten worse considering he's currently possessed. You could even say that Twice's death has caused other characters to double down on their worst habits.
Dabi's worst habit is that he acts separately from the league and refuses to participate in the group dynamic, believing himself to be a solo avenger. Dabi not trusting or telling the league what he was planning on doing with Hawks, as a consequence of his decision to play solo avenger, caused Twice to trust Hawks which led to his death. Hawks was the one who killed him but Dabi played a part, and when Twice dies Dabi obviously reacts to it, but also his decision is to double down on his bad habit, insisting he's only using the league and he doesn't care about the rest of the group. Toga also doubles down on her bad habit, she runs away from the rest of the league and insists she's only doing this for the freedom to do whatever she pleases, not because you know Twice got killed right in front of her. Compress's arc is less pronounced, but he also does, in fact, try to kill himself in a grand heroic sacrifice for the rest of the league.
When twice dies the league begins to fall apart and everyone acts on their individual worst flaws, ignoring that they were always stronger together as a group. However, there is still one person who wanted the exact same thing Twice did, to be trusted, to belong to a group. This is most likely the role that Spinner is going to grow to, someone who is trusted by everyone in the group.
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Notably, when Toga is about to run away it's Spinner who reminds her that the league is a place for them to come back to. Toga who was probably the closest to Twice and spiraling the worst because of his death, and Toga and Twice's friendship was the first time we really saw how much of a "bond" the league had formed with one another, because in the camp arc they barely cooperated, only begrudgingly. It's Spinner who who emphasizes that even though everyone in the league is doing this for individualism "doing what they want" that they are also together as a group. Spinner is set to inherit Twice's role as the heart, because one he tries to understand other people in the league making the effort to reach out, and two Spinner is aware of what he wants just like Twice he wants to be trusted by the rest of the group.
4. Spinner and Dabi
This one is a little bit harder because Dabi's character arc really hasn't started yet. We have just now gotten to the reveal of who he is and what his motivations are, after it being a mystery for so long. However unlike the rest of the league, we haven't really seen how Dabi has reacted and changed by becoming a part of the group. Even if his motivation isn't "I'm only using them" and deep down he really does care, I don't think he's even realized yet that he does care or that he's not just using them. Dabi still believes himself to be alone, and therefore he's still isolated from the rest of the league and flying his revenge quest solo even though he's really not.
In that case, the biggest parallel between Spinner and Dabi is that they both had to be won over by the league. They both joined because of admiration for Stain, probably because Dabi genuinely believed in Stain's ideals of taking down impure heroes because it fit his own agenda so well, whereas Spinner is a self-proclaimed empty cosplayer.
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Spinner, however, has already gone through an arc where he was dissatisfied with his reasons for joining the league and didn't believe he belonged with the rest of the group. He didn't have anything to love like Toga. He didn't know yet he wanted friends he could trust like Twice already did. He doesn't have a strong backstory motivation like Compress, or Dabi or even knows what he wants out of society. However, the entirety of MVA is Spinner letting himself be changed because of his interaction with the group.
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Spinner failed at life, his quirk is worthless and only good for sticking to walls. He also internalized the idea that he himself was a failure, and locked himself inside believing he couldn't accomplish anything on his own. Spinner says he has nothing he loves, and nothing he wants to do. Not only that he feels unloved and unwanted. However, Spinner finds something to love in Shigaraki, even if he can't find a strong sense of individualism and still believes himself to be worthless he becomes motivated to help others. Spinner, the most normal person in the group with the most worthless quirk, becomes the greatest help to Shigaraki, basically once he gets over himself and his preconceived notions of himself. Because, you don't actually have to be a special person or have a strong quirk to be a hero, you have to reach out a hand.
The same way Spinner was won over by the League, Dabi has yet to be won over. However, if that does happen, it's probably going to look like Spinner's arc. Dabi antagonizes Spinner a lot, but they actually have more in common than they do differences. They both have failure quirks, while Dabi has an overwhelming fire quirk he wasn't allowed to use, Spinner is literally just a gecko. They both also were labeled as disappointments and given up on, Enji gave up on Touya, Spinner never had any potential from the start and locked himself away in his room. However, their paths so far have been opposites, Spinner let Shigaraki reach him and became a part of the group, Dabi at every possible opportunity insists he's doing this all alone. He takes every chance he can to separate himself from others. If Dabi's arc is going to be a mirror to Shoto's arc eventually, then someone has to reach him and convince him he can't do this all on his own, and Dabi can only truly find himself when he's part of the group once more. After all, so far Dabi is the one most resistant to change. Toga's goal has changed, Shigaraki's changed, Spinner has changed, even Compress now admits that while they're just a gang of thieves that he cares more about everyone else's dreams than his own. Dabi is still nursing a ten-year grudge against Endeavor and doing everything he can to take him down on his own because he hasn't let the group in. And he won't improve or change until he does let others in.
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5. Spinner and Shigaraki
I love Compress but I'm skipping over him because his arc hasn't been elaborated on yet. If you want a quick summary though, both Spinner and Compress didn't believe the group to be anything more than a gathering of selfish criminals, however, both of them changed because they wanted to see Shigaraki's dream come true. Not only was Shigaraki the one who inspired both of them to change, but also Compress is the one who first sees how close Spinner is to Shigaraki more than anyone else in the group was.
He also sacrifices himself BECAUSE he's come to realize that what he wants more than his own dreams is to see everyone else's dreams come true. I know Compress's backstory is rushed as all hell, but it almost... almost... works because Compress isn't actually doing this because he's Oji Harima's grandson. His motivation changed a long time ago, he just didn't realize it until he was about to lose the league.
There are a few more parallels, they're both dropouts. It's implied that Compress was literally just a retired and failed stage magician before he decided to become a villain. Hopefully we'll become more on that later because the idea of Compress sucking in showbiz so he decided to follow his grandfather's legacy is really awesome. Spinner was a Neet before he saw Stain on television. They also both have more minor quirks, Compress just shrinks people, Spinner sticks to things. They both also are characters who don't seem important at first, but consistently hover around in the background constantly making sure everyone in the group is okay. Compress calls to check up on people, he talks to Dabi a lot, he tries to keep up with everybody in a melee, it's the little things he does that make Compress same for Spinner. They're both cosplaying as legendary villains who are greater than they are, Stein is cosplaying his grandfather, Spinner is cosplaying Stain, but it's unknown whether Compress really cares that much about his grandfather's ideals, I think he cares about the league more. Compress and Spinner are also people who question and try to understand things, Compress lectures the kids that they had their ideals handed down to them for adult, Compress realizes Spinner's importance to Shigaraki before Spinner even did, Compress and Spinner also both try to understand other people's dreams because they're lacking in their own. Spinner doesn't even have a dream, but he's the one who listened to Shigaraki's dream first.
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Now it's been directly said by canon that Spinner and Shigaraki's connection is the most developed, and they are the closest to one another. By developed I mean, it changed over time, when it started out they had almost nothing to do with one another. Spinner was just a rank and file league member that Shigaraki used on the hideout raid. They didn't even get a character introduction scene like Shigarki did with Dabi and Toga.
However, Spinner and Shigaraki's characters are extremely closely tied together. Shigaraki's like the main character of the league, his backstories parallel everyone else's, including the main character of the entire story Deku. He's the one who makes the plans, goes through training arcs, he's the one who the league unites around. However, Spinner actually has all of that too. I just spent a very long time showing how Spinner despite not having an overly complicated backstory has strong parallels to everyone in the league. If Shigaraki is the main character, then Spinner is the everyman / the perspective character, hence why he's the narrator of MVA. Shigaraki is a person of extraordinary circumstance, the symbol of society's oppression who everyone in the league deepy relates to because he's suffered the same way that they have and he accepts them. Whereas, Spinner has suffered because of Hero Society too, he's more like a normal guy who makes an effort to understand everyone around him.
However, Deku wasn't saved by his love interest, or even his childhood friend who is apparently his destined rival, he was saved by Iida trying his best to keep up with him.
Spinner and Shigaraki are both the emotional core of the league in different ways. The league all respects Shigaraki, they rally around his ideas, his dreams are what inspire everybody. However, more and more it's looking like Spinner, ordinary, average, Spinner is working to build emotional connections to everyone in a much more normal way. He talks to Toga and tries to understand her love. He even consoles Toga when twice is gone. He challenges Shigaraki directly to his face. Compress who is always sort of watching the league in the background and checking up on them in little ways notices how hard that Spinner is trying to take care of Shigaraki.
Shigaraki accepts people at their worst and gives them a place to belong, but I think by Spinner's efforts to get to know and understand others, we as an audience are shown how humanizing of a presence that Spinner is on everyone else. Spinner, just being a normal guy, brings out the fact that the rest of the league despite their extraordinary circumstances are deep down just normal people to, who want to be loved normally, and live normally. Spinner literally wakes up Shigaraki, because he remembered the one time that he opened up in front of all of them, and cares enough to try to understand Shigaraki's hurt feelings and what he cares about.
If anything from the last arc in the manga, we're shown at great length, how understanding, reaching out, it all takes effort and it's not as flashy as defeating a villain or rescuing someone from a natural disaster.
Spinner is so important to Shigaraki, because while Shigaraki has given everyone in the group a place where they can be individuals, Shigaraki hasn't realized he himself can be an individual yet. He ultimately, shares the same character flaw as Deku. It's because he's decided that he's going to carry out his dreams for the sake of the league and to create a better future for them, that Shigaraki no longer cares what happens to himself, or about his own future. Everyone talks about Dabi's suicidal nature, but this is something that Shigaraki is challenged on over and over again. What are your motivations. What are your reasons. What do you want to accomplish. He always responds with nothing. There's nothing that he wants, there's nothing worth living for, he only wants to destroy and make a better world for the people who are around him. Shigaraki is the most thoroughly dehumanized character, to the point where he just straight up accepts "god of destruction" because that is at least an identity. Shigaraki needs Spinner and his normalizing influence, because Shigaraki can't see himself as a normal person.
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Shigaraki shares the same character flaw as Deku, he does everything for the sake of others, with no regard to himself, which leads to extreme bouts of self-harming and fighting alone. Shigaraki faced off against Endeavor, and basically all the heroes alone even though he did call for backup. However, even before that Shigaraki made the decision to get dangerous risky surgery that would be like hell, because he believed deep down he wasn't good enough alone. Shigaraki just does not care about himself and is unable to see himself as an individual, which is exactly why he needs someone to care for him and see him that way.
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Shigaraki's greatest challenge to date is that he's been dehumanized so thoroughly, and lost sight of himself to the point where he's lost even his own body autonomy. When Shigaraki is battling for possession of his body as AFO attempts to take total control and make him into a symbol again, denying him his personhood, we're set up directly with Spinner being the one who reminds us that Shigaraki is just a person, who likes video games, and gets along with his friends. It's Spinner who notices right away that AFO is different from Shigaraki and challenges him the same way that he challenged Shigaraki directly in the My VIllain Academia arc. This is all set up most likely, for Spinner being the one to reach out a hand the same way IIDA did, because what Shigaraki needs the most right now, is not a hero who will save him, but rather a normal person who will understand him and remind him that deep down he was just a normal kid too before all of this happened. What Shigaraki is most in need of is a hand that will reach out to him, and Spinner has already done this once putting Nana's hand back on his face when he couldn't wake up, but what he's failed to realize is that it's his own scaly lizard hands that should be doing the reaching out.
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scalproie · 2 years ago
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gotta say, im a bit surprised by people being confused by John's apparent 180° in terms of morals this episode compared to the last, because if anyone did a 180° this episode, it's Arthur.
Last episode, Arthur was consumed by bloodlust over killing Larson, he passed it off as justice to John, which IS a noble cause and absolutely the right thing to do, but we all know he was projecting HARD his self-hatred on the man, he didn't want to avenge the victims or even Addison, he did it first and foremost for Faroe, because Larson is the embodiment of Arthur's biggest defining moment (one he cling on so much it even saved him from being erased by the King in yellow) and what he views himself as: a monster who killed his own daughter, even tho for Arthur it was an accident and for Larson it was a deliberate act to gain more power. And Arthur was alone when he began to view Larson that way, if anything, the only thing Yellow did was pour gasoline on the fire of his self-hatred. Anyway my point here is: cool murder, wrong motive, Arthur wasn't losing his humanity or anything, but he was so personally motivated in his desire to externally "fix" his own and biggest mistake from years ago and earn some sort of redemption in his own eyes, at even the price of his own (and John's) life that he just could not see the bigger picture. Something John was able to do, being contextless and knowing Arthur.
Cause like they said in the episode, John's really acting as Arthur's conscience now! He cannot physically do anything (or at least used to or in very limited ways) other than seeing, so the only thing he is able to provide are suggestions and choices to Arthur, but in the end the one mostly in control of the body, Arthur, will make the final call. And he cannot get his way by ommitting things to Arthur, at best that would be a breach of trust (and it turned out so well last time), and at worst it could cost both of them their lives. John's goals so far have more or less kinda been "find out answers" (shared by Arthur) -> "escape the Dreamlands and the King" (shared by Arthur) -> "keep us alive" (shared by Arthur?), and that last part really cemented in after ep24 when they left the cultists, John wanted to help them because, well they clearly needed help, and frankly in John's mind back then, they don't really have anything better to do at the moment than help people, until Arthur made them leave under the semi-true excuse that THEY should think about staying alive first before offering their help which may result in their death (even tho he was still under the goal to go and kill Larson to atone in his own eyes), but you can tell John still took what Arthur said to heart because of this episode: they want to help the cultists, sure, but his current underlying first and main goal is to keep them alive (tho Arthur in particular I suspect)
Which brings us to the moral dilemna of ep27, first off, a very important detail is that their new ally has agency, THEY were the one who suggested being used as bait so Arthur and John could succeed, if it had been Arthur or John who proposed or even forced their ally to dristract the creature away, it wouldve been immoral, but their ally has already made that choice: they were ready to die if needed to save their friends. Now for Arthur's choice, if killing Larson above everything else was personally motivated, refusing to sacrifice their ally was equally personally motivated: Arthur's ashamed of his bloodlust from the previous ep, again he wants to atone above everything else and prove that he IS the captain of his soul and he wants to stirr it in the right way, and not putting someone in danger IS noble, but the risk of putting THEIR own lives in danger is bigger and, well... just because your decision was noble didnt meant it would turn out well.
Basically, Arthur went from one end of the moral sprectrum to the other, while John, who outside of his relationship with Arthur, has no stakes in this whole situation (on his soul or otherwise, he is not making the decisions after all), sit more or less in the middle and whose current role is too balance Arthur out, so both of them can stay alive.
BUT even if John is being the most level-headed right now, that doesnt mean he is and will always be right (pretty sure he would even blame himself for telling Arthur to pull out the lighter just so he can see, and everything happening next being on his hands), just as even if John is making personal and emotionally-driven decisions right now, he is not inherently selfish, he was willing to end his own life for John after all, which is the ultimate sacrifice someone can make.
tl;dr: basically both Arthur and John are nuanced and complex as well as flawed characters of which I am particularly surprised and pleased over how realistic and human their characterizations are.
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peakysanakin · 4 years ago
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a bit about Elain's trauma and why it correlates with her rejecting her mating bond with Lucien in the future, a thread:
(WARNING: this post isn't about ships, except Elucien because Lucien is a key factor in Elain's trauma. )
Everyone deals with trauma in their own way and that's totally okay. Some are destructive, some shut people up and others want to not feel anything. Elain, just as Nesta, went into the Cauldron and those moments were horrific for her.
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She is literally dragged and shoved into the Cauldron while she cries, struggles and kicks to escape the guards' grasps. The guards and the King keep laughing at her during the whole time.
Elain is used as an experiment for the Queens.
She is used as if she was a mere object.
Her body has been changed forever and she is practically naked, completely terrified and in shock from whatever she has gone through inside the Cauldron. (We know how terrifying and horrible it can be because of Nesta's experience.) Everyone is looking at her, some are even laughing.
Do you know how violating this could feel? To be left naked and vulnerable in front of people who have just terrorized you? How would you feel?
We don't know what she goes through inside the Cauldron, but it was probably very painful and terrifying. Then, she is thrown off it and she experiences this horrific scene, and her mating bond with Lucien snaps.
Another thing has been decided for her.
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Not only has her body and life been changed forever without her consent, now her romantic relationship has been decided for her as well. And it's with a man who participated in the plan that made this horrific moment happen.
Lucien is an accomplice of that. He isn't a bad person, but he is CLEARLY an accomplice. (GO NESTA!!)
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Elain is dealing with her trauma and she doesn't own Lucien anything. She suffered so much, she was broken and traumatized by what happened to her.
And Lucien and their mate bond are a BIG reminder of the day her body and life were changed against her own will.
We don't know much about her, but we have seen enough of her suffering and how traumatized she is in the books. Feyre always admired Elain's strength, because being kind and gentle in a world so dark takes balls, you know? Later on in the books, Elain is still kind and gentle but more reserved and quiet because she is dealing with her own shit.
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Strength doesn't equal to physical force. A big example? Queen Elizabeth I of England was strong and she never fought in a battlefield, but she was intelligent, cunning and brought a Golden Age to her country. She made a place for herself in a patriarcal society and that's how strong she was.
Elain's strength differs from Nesta's, Mor's and Feyre's. She isn't an active fighter like them, but yet she had the guts to fight in the war and stabbed the King on the neck to protect Nesta because she loves her sister and would die for her. Look at this.
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No one wanted her to fight, but she chose to. SHE CHOSE TO! This is important. She is scared in the battle camp and doesn't know how to fight or wield a sword, yet she trusts her friends and wants to fight alongside them. 
She might die in the battlefield, but at least she will fight fighting and not be a pawn.
She will enact revenge for what the King did to Nesta, to Feyre and to herself.
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MOREOVER –– Another big trauma (aside from happened inside the Cauldron and the dramatic changes in her life), it will probably be center around her body. 
Her clothes, body and beauty are mentioned all the time. ALL THE TIME. Elain, who was a very proper and modest lady (and didn't want to talk about periods even with her sisters), was seen naked against her will by everyone and she probably felt violated.
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Feyre mentions Elain's reaction when she sees her and Nesta wearing Illyrian fighting leathers. She mentions how Elain was offered something less scandalous and more proper. 
Imagine how someone so proper would feel after being used and seen all vulnerable and naked by so many people? To have been ogled against your will? To be seen as an “object” to see whether the Cauldron worked?
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Nesta is a sexual assault survivor and she also suffered because of their youth, Feyre's sacrifice to provide for them and Elain suffering from the Cauldron incident. She dealt with her trauma in her own way, just as Elain deals with it in her own way. And that's okay!
In Elain's book, her choosing who she wants to be with and how she wants to live from now on will be important. She will turn down Lucien, as it is obvious from what I explained above and because of the following:  Feyre and Rhys comment on how being mates doesn't equal to being right for each other.
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Sarah J. Maas said this as well.
She also said that a mating bond is something rare but that some people might be lucky and end up having two. But the main thing is: 
Elain will reject Lucien because they aren't right for each other and she will chose whomever she wants to because she loves that person. That's big and it will be key to the plot.
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Elain might end up being lucky and while falling for another person, a new mating bond might develop. But at the end of the day, it will be her choice. 
Not the Cauldron's choice, not society's choice or anyone else. 
Hers and hers alone.
You think she is boring? Well, we will learn more about her and we will see her heal from her trauma. Her body and her choices have been violated, but she will heal and grow for that and gain ownership over herself once again. 
Rhys, Amren and Feyre believe there is more to her than just the kindness she shows. 
“Maybe she was never given the chance to be that way.” “You think I stifle her?” “Not you alone. [...] But I wonder if everyone has spent so long assuming Elain is sweet and innocent that she felt she had to be that way or else she’d dissapoint you all. [...] With time and safety, perhaps we’ll see a different side of her emerge”
“You think Elain is boring?” “I think she’s kind, and I’ll take that kindness over nastiness every day. But I also think we haven’t yet seen all she has to offer.”
“Don’t forget that gardening often results in something pretty, but it involves getting one’s hands dirty along the way.”
“You can’t have it both ways. You cannot resent my decision to lead a small, quiet life while also refusing to let me do anything greater.”
“I went into the Cauldron, too, you know. And it captured me. And yet somehow all you think of is what my trauma did to you.”
“Including Elain, who is more than capable of defending herself against the darkness of the Trove, if she chooses to. Don’t underestimate her.”
Being a seer gives you many powers, but it would take me too much time so I recommend you to read this LONG AND AMAZING list of powers a seer might have posted by @miru5llec​ and you will be shocked and hyped.
If you like mythology and fantasy literature, you know seers are feared and respected. Kings have killed for having a seer in their ranks. They can reach levels of divine status and their ability as a seer gives them many more powers than those I have mentioned before.
Elain might not be physically powerful like Nesta or Feyre, but being a seer makes her more powerful than both of them but IN ANOTHER WAY. Look at the list above (linked) if you don't believe me. 
Her being on the Night Court makes Feysand's court the most powerful in Prythian.
That's why Elain is not boring and her trauma is valid. There is much more to her than what little we have seen. SJM has said so. Rhys, Feyre, Amren, everyone has said so in the books. We will learn about her, see her heal and chose who to love in her book.
“Why?” Elain demanded. “Shall I tend to my little garden forever?” When Nesta flinched, Elain said, “You can’t have it both ways. You cannot resent my decision to lead a small, quiet life while also refusing to let me do anything greater.”
“But Elain said, “I went into the Cauldron, too, you know. And it captured me. And yet somehow all you think of is what my trauma did to you.”
We will see her develop her powers and learn how to use them. She is possibly the key to killing Koschei (the big bad villain) because she might have visions of where his heart is hidden in that fucking box and guide the IC to find it.
Furthermore, stop saying “I want Elucien to happen so Lucien can be happy.” or “Azriel deserves better than Elain because she likes to garden and is mated to Lucien.”
Elain doesn’t belong to Lucien.
Elain can garden, bake and walk around on her hands while singing La Macarena and that doesn’t make her any less strong than Feyre, Mor, Nesta or any other female character.
(Also, in this stupid ship war I have seen people pointing out how she wouldn't be able to give Azriel children because her body isn't Illyrian. This is disgusting. You are basically saying that all her worth lies in whether she can give someone children or not.
Do I remind you adoption exists? Rhys, Cassian and Azriel are brothers by choice, not by blood and they are BROTHERS. You can adopt and be a mother. And you can chose to not have children and that would be okay too. A woman's worth isn't in her uterus.
And that’s it. 
(I posted this thread on Twitter as well, so if you liked it you can go there and RT it or hit a like.)
[og post]
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uni-seahorse-572 · 3 years ago
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Internalization vs. Externalization & Keeper
this ended up longish, fair warning. I’m going to go ahead and tag everyone who expressed interest: @gay-otlc, @if-only-wishes-were-answered, @keepersofthelostbullhorn, @spellbound-fire, @simpbito
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In KOTLC, Keefe and Fitz represent a fascinating dichotomy also present in society as a whole. 
As an oversimplification, most people tend to either externalize or internalize their mental health issues and emotions. Those who tend to internalize repress it all, refusing to seek help, holding it together outwardly while also deteriorating inwardly. Those who tend to externalize lash out and hurt those around them. I’d like to emphasize that I’m not here addressing which one is “better” - they’re both simply ways to cope with difficult emotions and affect people in different ways. 
It’s easy to assign Fitz the externalized method of coping. The fandom may theorize that he has unaddressed issues from the pressure of his upbringing, but in canon, his emotions are completely externalized in times of major strife. 
Keefe seems a little more difficult at first. After all, his actions are so often drastic and negatively impact those around him, right?
What I’d like to argue is that this doesn’t matter. Part of internalization is the fact that it primarily focuses the hurt on the person who’s doing the internalizing. They lack any way to let their emotions out, and thus when their facade cracks others may see a glimpse of what they’re going through. Furthermore, internalization can lead emotions to boil over as they’re being repressed instead of dealt with, at which point they do harm those around the person in question. Sounds like Keefe. 
Here’s where society comes in: we glorify internalization over externalization. This connects to the whole “go in even if you’re sick” mentality that, well, kind of really backfired. (please note: when I say society, I am here discussing American society. I can’t speak for other cultures, though if anyone has more knowledge on how a different culture regards externalization vs. internalization I’d love to hear your thoughts). 
Among the mentally ill, the false perception that one must somehow prove their mental state to deserve help causes major issues. What this means is that people will attempt to internalize their problems until they can’t anymore, with the idea that what they’re going through is only “real” if they can no longer keep it hidden and someone else notices. This repression of feelings is legitimately dangerous. 
On the other hand, people who externalize are often blamed for any outbursts they may have. This occurs especially frequently if all it takes is something small to push them over, as they’re seen as overreacting even though it’s more related to having problems no one else can see than anything else. Emotions that are externalized are often treated as if there’s nothing deeper behind them.
Heroes in general who don’t care about their well-being are hailed. Sacrifice is hailed. Characters who are angry are demonized, and while anger is a major and damaging problem to many, when was the last time you saw a character who struggles with anger who wasn’t morally grey at best? How often do you see depictions of those who get angry, occasionally to the point where it’s controlling them, as just... people who aren’t perfect?
In all honesty, Shannon Messenger herself handled this pretty well. Fitz is often made to apologize in ways Keefe isn’t, but the narrative as a whole is pretty understanding of both of them. We can also see how Fitz’s externalization does lead to disastrous fury but also means that’s both released and obvious, instead of festering into a huge mistake like it does with Keefe. Grady is a good example of this as well, as someone who gets protectively angry and may go too far once in a while but still means well and is a good father and husband. This complex representation of anger isn’t all that common. 
But it’s the way that the fandom reacts to the two of them that’s revealing. 
Fitz receives an incredible amount of hatred for his anger. By many, it’s viewed as toxic towards those he cares about. Among many, the general consensus seems to be that he’s so privileged he needs to stop getting so angry because everything isn’t perfect and be quiet (allegedly because “Keefe has it worse”, yet so many things have happened to the Vackers that if Fitz internalized his emotions I believe the hatred wouldn’t be near as much of an issue). Depending on the site you go on, there’s a good amount of blatant bashing in fics and comments, largely centered on somehow both his anger and apparent perfection at once - would they view internalization of feelings a legitimate flaw that makes him complex and less than perfect?
Keefe, on the other hand, is embraced by most of the fandom. People talk about his trauma quite a bit from what I’ve seen, his quiet inner pain that he only lets Sophie see, that he tells her she shouldn’t have to deal with. Unlike with Fitz’s occasional bouts of anger, his penchant for running away, putting himself in danger, and his lying to Sophie isn’t, on the whole, seen as toxic. His internalization has led to a lack of self esteem and perceived worth that creates a selfless sacrificial streak too often hailed. 
Now, you may say, however, that not everyone has these opinions. But the truth is this often exists in a way that inadvertently reinforces society’s treatment of externalization and internalization. 
Those who dislike Keefe tend to focus on the ways he’s hurt others with his decisions. While this makes sense, as he doesn’t have to do much for forgiveness in the narrative, it also attempts to frame his emotional reactions as externalization. Fitz, on the other hand, is often depicted as someone who struggles with internalization, particularly when it comes to pressure. Just look on AO3 for proof - in all honesty I’m guilty of it. This interpretation of his character isn’t necessarily wrong, as it can allow authors to write what they relate to and addresses the issues Fitz must have in a way the narrative ignores, yet still focuses on internalization. 
We as a society are deeply uncomfortable with externalization. We don’t know how to discuss it. And we continue to glorify internalization.
At this time, I can’t say I have a good conclusion as to how we might try to counter this, though approaching both Fitz and Keefe from a more complex viewpoint would be a good place to start. Consider looking for this in both society and other fiction as well, perhaps. It’ll be interesting to see where Keeper itself goes going forward. 
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skzfelixity · 4 years ago
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Love Me Or Leave Me | Chishiya Shuntaro [Alice In Borderland]
Chishiya x Reader
Summary: It’s time for you to question Chishiya’s sincerity. Does he really love you?
Warnings: none
Inspired by: Day6 - Love me or Leave me
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Chishiya Shuntaro. This man drove you crazy. Of course you knew, you heard, that he was selfish and manipulative. You knew it, you just chose to ignore it. You knew by the way he showed you affection and you had his undivided attention when he needed something from you and then disappear until he needed to use you again. However, you had a slight hope of his feelings being real and sincere.
I’ve endured it for quite some time,
your cold eyes and words.
He hadn’t approached you for some days now. Meeting randomly in the halls just greeting each other, nothing more. You wanted more, you craved more. You were thinking about him every second of the day and, you were sure, he didn’t think of you at all. You weren’t able to leave him just yet. You didn’t want to, you still hoped.
“If actions speak louder than words...” you laid on your back, looking at the ceiling of your room, which once was filled with yours and Chishiya’s giggles. It was as if you could still hear him, feel him lying next to you, “then it seems like the end is near.”
“The end of the games?” You jumped at the so familiar voice, the short blond man leaning on the wall. You missed it, you missed him.
“I didn’t even hear you come in,” you sighed, falling back into the matress. You felt the matress sink, Chishiya now lying next to you. You turned your head to meet his bored eyes, you really couldn’t tell what he was thinking or feeling. You wanted to read him just like he was able to read you.
“Thinking about me again?” he smirked, making you go pale. He knew you so well, it was pathetic. You averted your gaze to the ceiling, once again sighing, “You wish.”
He chuckled at your lie, looking at the side of your face. He had you wrapped around his finger but he didn’t know for how long. Your feelings didn’t bother him though, he was sure you wouldn’t leave him. He was too sure.
Whether it will end or not,
it’s all up to you.
I have no choice but to watch.
“I came up with a plan,” he sat up, looking back at you, “to leave the beach.”
You immediately jerked up, eyes wide. He wasn’t going to leave you, was he?
“Alone?” You asked rather hesitatingly, looking down at you hands. He carefully lifted your chin up, making eye contact. “Together.”
You felt your heart jump at his answer but you didn’t seem too happy about it,. Wasn’t that enough to assure you that he loved you? No. Maybe he was trying to manipulate you and sacrifice you when something went wrong.
I have to know it to move forward,
Do you even love me now?
“You will steal the cards from Hatter’s room, Kuina and I will be looking out for people.” he simply explained. You failed to notice how fishy the plan sounded because you wanted to ask him one question. A question that would vanish any doubts you had for him. You slowly nodded, fidgeting with your fingers. It’s the right time to ask. He smirked and with a pat on your head, he turned to leave.
You bit your bottom lip, it’s now or never. “Chishiya..” you grabbed his hand to stop him, his dull eyes meeting yours. His expressionless face always discouraged you but you wouldn’t let it get to you this time. He tilted his head, waiting for you to speak.
“Do you...” you exhaled deeply, letting your arm fall to your side. He knew. He knew what you wanted to ask, he isn’t stupid. He actually expected it a lot earlier but he was thankful you put your trust in him so easily,
and also regretful
“Do you love me?” you gazed into his eyes, looking for any signs of emotion. The answer wouldn’t really stop you from doubting him, it would trick you to not doubt him. Did you believe a positive answer would make you feel loved? Wanted? Appreaciated? You didn’t even know. You just wanted to hear it.
I’ll hold my breath as I wait for your answer,
I’ll leave it up to you.
He frowned for a few seconds. Was he going to lie to you? Was his lie going to be a lie or his lie wasn’t really a lie? He was prepared for that question, then why couldn’t he answer? He noticed you holding your breath, probably too nervous to even exist.
“Of course,” he gave you a smile, an awkward one. Maybe it was because of the lack of air that didn’t go through your lungs but you thought it was sincere. The doubts that had been drowning you for the past few days, washed away. You wrapped your arms around his neck, “Glad to finally know.”
He was shocked, mostly at the gesture but you seemed to like him- maybe even love him a lot. Did you really love him more than he knew? His heart started beating faster as he wrapped his arms around you, he blamed it on the affection since he wasn’t used to it. What else could have made his heart so giddy? 
Was it a lie or a deep hidden secret?
[...]
“Chishiya, I’m in!” you whispered in your walkie talkie, observing Hatter’s room. It sure was too big to have plenty of time to search for the cards. “Look inside the closet,” Chishiya said, while listening to Hatter speak to the crowd. He fed them enough nonsense to be able to manipulate them so he could leave first, reminded him of himself.
“What’s the code?” you asked. Chishiya instantly replied, “8022″
Despite having the code, you didn’t try to open it. You froze, this was more dangerous than you thought. If they catch you, you are literally dead. “Chishiya, I don’t think I can do it.”
No answer.
“Chishiya.”
No answer
“Chishiya Shuntaro!”
Again, no answer. Reality hit you, he had used you, again. What did you expect from the selfish jerk? Love? Affection? Sincerity? You were so wrong for trusting him, even more for falling for him.
You were still dumbfounded, knees on the floor. This isn’t a place to find or fall in love, you should have controlled yourself.
“Are you sure, Chishiya?” Hatter’s voice broke you out of your thoughts. You quickly rushed to hide under the king sized bed. The door opened, revealing Hatter, Chishiya and some militants trailing behind him.
“There’s no one here!” Hatter threw his arms up in the air, spinning around. Chishiya was relieved to not see you there, quick to notice Hatter looking at a painting of a deer across the room. He didn’t have time to question himself but he knew why he felt relieved. You grew on him even though his intention was using you, from the very start. You managed to make your way into his heart and it kind of scared him.
He wouldn’t change anything on the plan though, maybe forcing Kuina to steal the cards. Feelings aside, he would do anything to survive. Anyone would do anything to survive in this hell.
Meanwhile, you were shaking so bad. Covering your mouth with your hands to make sure you made no noises. You had never been more scared in your whole life, not even during a game. The feeling of betrayal long forgotten as they didn’t seem to leave the room.
“I thought I saw someone.” Chishiya shrugged, you couldn’t have escaped from the door and no windows were broken. Which meant one thing, you were still in the room. His body stiffened at the thought of you hiding here, possibilities of getting caught were high enough.
“You should look out for me!” Hatter gave him a light pat on the shoulder, “Thank you!”
They all walked out, Chishiya last, throwing another glance to the deer painting before following the others.
You thought it was safe to wait for a while before going out, finally letting the feeling of betrayal overwhelm you. You quietly sobbed, mad at yourself for being so oblivious. Hoping to get out of the beach with Chishiya, how foolish, considering his personality. It was all wrong from the start but you did not fail to notice it, you just didn’t want to.
[...]
You found yourself in the rooftop, red eyes and the light breeze hitting your face. It made you feel calm, relaxed, almost as if the last few hours didn’t happen. You would like to forget them but they had already made their scars on your heart. You found yourself thinking about Chishiya, again. How could a person be so evil, you really didn’t want to see him again. Good thing he left with Kuina.
Or so you thought.
“Knew I would find you here,” a panting Chishiya stood in the top of the stairs, resting on his knees. He raised his hand in the air, showing the incomplete set of cards to you.”I got them, we have to hurry!”
You looked at him, only then he noticed your eyes, you had been crying. Who wouldn’t cry after being betrayed? He sighed, standing up straight. He knew he had messed up, he had messed you up.
You couldn’t bring yourself to hate him, not until he answers your question truthfully. You looked in front of you, knees on your chest and hands keeping them close. You didn’t feel like crying, you didn’t feel like replying. You just needed a break from everyone and everything.
I know your answer is no.
I pretend I do not know,
even though I know.
“Y/N, we-”
“We? We?! There is no we, Chishiya!” You looked him dead in the eye, lips pressed into a thin line. An expression he rarely saw on your face, he did break you. He couldn’t turn back time, he wouldn’t turn back time. All he had to do was fix your broken bond. “It’s just you, so go!”
“You don’t want me to leave you!”
Unfortunately, he was right. Your heart was longing for him, you just wanted to hate him with your whole body and soul, yet you couldn’t. You thought he knew that too. He didn’t have his usual smirk on, what a sight for your sore eyes.
He placed the cards inside his pocket, sighing, he knew if he ever got your trust again it would be a miracle. He was surprised when you didn’t stand up to follow him, it felt so strange to him because you always did what he told you to do. He was so used to you obeying him.
In reality, he didn’t want to leave you. If it was Kuina or someone else who refused to follow him, he would have been gone a long ago. He wouldn’t even come to find them in the first place! He couldn’t blame you for not wanting to see him, he’s the one to blame after all.
I cannot give you up just yet,
not until I hear you say it.
“Say you don’t love me so I can let you go.” You whispered loudly enough for the blond to hear. He didn’t expect you to say something like that, eyes widening. In fact, he didn’t know that you couldn’t hate him. He didn’t know why you wanted him to say that. Of course you didn’t know his feelings. All he had to do was voice them, voice how he felt for you in order to make you understand that his current actions and feelings were sincere.
 “I don’t want you to let me go!”
You were completely clueless of how much of a mess his mind was now. He wanted to let you know what you really meant to him and explain why everything that happened today happened.
Turns out the answer he gave you back then wasn’t a lie, just the unknown truth. He couldn’t say that he didn’t love you. Regardless of not understanding the whole concept of love entirely, he knew he loved you. 
You observed his features, he was wearing a worried and anxious expression. Much to your surprise, it seemed pretty real but you won’t be fooled again. He might need you for another plan in the future. But then again, it seemed pretty real to ignore.
So please answer,
with all honesty.
So please answer me,
without hiding anything.
“I was late to realise my feelings, let alone how they work,” he sighed, “I want to figure out feelings, understand them and feel them,” he came closer to you, leaning down, your faces a few inches apart, “with you.”
He didn’t like the scenario of you getting caught earlier, he wouldn’t be able to live with the guilt. It took him long enough to appreciate your help, your trust, your love for him and your dedication to him, resulting in losing all of these.
“You can’t persuade me like this,” you chuckled, better sorry than fooled again. “Do you even love me now?” You looked away from him, not expecting an answer.
He knew it wouldn’t make a big difference if he answered but he chose to anyway. “I love you,” he grabbed your chin to make you look at him, “I will prove it to you so come with me.”
You pushed his hand away, you were having none of his manipulative tricks. Before you could tell him off, Kuina’s voice echoed through the walkie talkie, “We don’t have time, hurry!”
Chishiya rolled his eyes, pulling his tazer out of his pocket ready to use it on you. “You either come willingly or I’ll taze you and carry you myself.”
“You can taze me, it’ll hurt less than what you did to my heart.”
Can’t give up on you.
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juskru · 3 years ago
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It actually happened. Supergirl is over.
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I usually lose my mind while watching the episodes, posting as many stupid and sassy comments as I can come up with 😆
But not this Tuesday.
Couldn't come up with anything. Still can't, to be honest. So this post won't be my finest job 🙈
Ever since the finale it's been a mix of being about to combust at any second and feeling hollow at the same time. What kind of sorcery is this? 🤨
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Fucking pissed Disappointed that we didn't get the Supercorp we needed? Of course.
Surprised? No. 😂 As the main targets of the showrunners blatant greed and malice to increase ratings at all costs - including our hearts and sanity - were we ever surprised? 🙄
Doesn't mean it hurts any less.
But we did get our Supercorp 💖
After everything that's happened in these 5 years, especially this last season, we know very well that Supercorp is more than real. It just wasn't as obvious as our girls deserved because fuck you coward homophobic showrunners, I'll despise you for the rest of my life 🖕.
Mirrored/synchronized gestures. Longing glances. Comfort seeking. A way of staring at each other that is reserved only for them.
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Instant change in mood and body language when seeing each other. Refusing to allow the other to be in any kind of danger and yet never hesitating to put themselves in harm's way for them.
Literally risking the safety of the entire universe for one another. Defying the laws of physics to create solutions to ensure their protection. Never giving up on each other, even when everybody else did.
Unadmitted confessions.
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This scene still makes my heart skip several beats 👆
"I know how much your sister means to you Alex, and yet today you made the most painful sacrifice because it was the right thing to do, and I... I don't think I could do that"
Then we have Alex yeeting all reason to the sun, taking all the totems to Lex to save Esme 😏
"I believe in you"
"It's only because you're on the team that I'm here"
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And Kara LEANED IN, bruh! 🤣😭🙌🙌
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Alex's reaction was so delicious 😂 And loud!
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And countless other moments 😌
And Queller and Rovner have the AUDACITY of trying to pass their feelings as just friendship?? When people that don't even watch the damn thing can see right away that they're in love? 🤦🏻‍♀️
"My office is overflowing with flowers"
"You're the only person in the galaxy I know will do right by it"
"For a friend like you, there are no boundaries"
"You protected me from losing a part of myself. You always do"
They have something that's so uniquely theirs. So easy to see, hard to explain and impossible to deny.
"It's not just what I feel for you. It's what I do not feel for anyone but you" (not sure who the author is)
I know it sucks not having the ending we wanted, even a Korrasami style one. But we still got it.
But the sheer insolence of choosing to develop a faux romantic relationship between the bald psychopath and the imp in the few remaining episodes instead of allowing Kara's 5-year relationship with Lena to take its natural course for no other excuse than the fact that Lena is a woman - as the fandom discussed multiple times, had either Lena or Kara been a man, their actions would've been seen as romantic a looong fucking time ago - is just grotesque.
If the showrunners only intent was to queerbait us to finish the series with strong ratings, then they shot themselves in the foot, because all they did was comfirm what we all knew since the very first time the best Luthor graced the screen with her presence 😂
"Of all the friends I've ever had, you have pushed me the most. Challenged me the most"
"You've made me a better person"
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It happened. Supercorp happened. That's a fact. And no you can't change my mind, and no this is not up for debate. Go pester someone else u.ú
There's only so much the actors can do when they're being suffocated by the assholes that call the shots. But it's more than just the script.
Everything that was within Melissa's and Katie's (and the rest of the cast too, specially Chyler, I love you babe) power to give us, they did it with beautiful and brilliantly thoughtful acting choices - easiest way to see this is by muting the sound of supercorp scenes (specially the finale) and focus only on what they're trying to show you. Look at their eyes and where they're going, their faces and bodies, their touches. They're trying to show you what the script won't allow them to say with words.
They fought for us till the very end 💖
Ugh their love is soooo loud! 😭
All in all, the show ended with the characters on their way to happiness, feeling at peace with themselves, full of hope for the future. A happy ending to all of them. In the end that's all we wish for the people we care about ❤
That alone was better than most series out there - again, I'm looking at you cw ಠ ωಠ ( っ'-')╮ =͟͟͞͞💣
As much as I would've loved to see a big wet tongue-sucking kiss, my babies have a whole future ahead of them where that's gonna happen (shout out to all you beautiful magicians out there giving us endless heartwarming content 😘).
All things considered, I'm fine with that ❤
I think the weight in my chest comes from not being able to say "there's always next season", "there's always next episode" anymore. And the cast is so incredibly sweet and genuine that knowing they won't be around their little found family as often, and we won't be a part of that as much, is making me miss them that much more.
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Don't even get me started on all the scenes from the finale that weren't shown in every country and the big chunk of dialog that was removed; I'm still livid at that 😤
I really really hope the fandom gives Queller and Rovner absolute HELL from now on 😈
Don't touch the actors nor the writers or anybody else in the crew. They have no say at all in what happens in a show. What we see on the screen is what the showrunners allow.
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bgech · 2 years ago
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Oogabooga, "viking pilot has liked ur post", how about fear straight into my veins?
Sneve is a funky guy I'll give him that,
1341 words
--
Sneve is a blaze, everyone knows this.
Sneve is a blaze, living primarily in the overworld, this is common knowledge.
Sneve, is always cold, this is no surprise but it sure is inconvenient.
The shadowlands where he's currently mooching off Shadow for housing, materials, food, money, anything really, is situated in a valley surrounded by snowy mountains. It's not exactly the warmest of climates. He'd have probably been fine if he could stay with Legundo instead, in the desert casino he runs, but Legs didn't want to deal with him, which is perfectly understandable to be honest.
He's a bit of a doofus and Legundo likes to Focus and Get Stuff Done, shenaniganary is welcome but only in strict moderation, he has a business to run after all. So he was made to live with Shadow.
Shadow himself is a curious case because Sneve is maybe sixty percent sure that he's a human. Or he was a human. For one, shadow is not that tall which is either just unfortunate genes or a point in the human department. For two, mans got skin. Withers of any flavor don't have skin, and Shadow seems pretty content to Keep Having Skin, so he was not born a wither. Maybe it will fall off, Sneve kinda hopes it does, that'll teach him to maybe light a fire every once in a while eh?
All this to say, Shadow is probably some sort of reanimated zombie corpse of a poor human lost in the nether eating something he shouldn't have been eating.
It's Sneve's best theory on why Shadow refuses to install any sort of heater in the house they share. There is a fireplace, technically, but it's in the cold, damp basement. Sneve has taken to sitting himself in a circle of torches just to get through the night without freezing to death. The cold does a lotta damage to a buttery blaze such as himself so if he has to look like an unfortunate virgin sacrifice of a failed ritual to stay warm, so be it.
It's actually gotten worse nowadays because winter comes a lot sooner in the shadowlands, so while everyone else is enjoying a nice summer or fall, sneve is sitting in that damned fireplace trying to do his best impression of someone who stays alive throughout winter.
He's not doing a very good impression of someone who stays alive throughout winter. It's not his fault, if it's anyone's fault it's Shadow's. Like, not everyone has skin to keep them nice and toasty during the first frost, ok? Not everyone has muscles and fat to keep them warm. Sneve is made of smoke, fire and broken dreams, got it? Mans gets cold.
So cold that his stupid idiot subconscious keeps trying to drag him somewhere Nice And Warm so he can sleep out the winter, which is apparently what happens when a blaze is taken and put somewhere it's not meant to be. He's woken up around torches he doesn't own or under blankets that aren't his more than twice. He's even somehow made it all the way to a portal before he woke up because of an unfortunate case of Beehive Underfoot.
He would be none the wiser to any of the reasons for this, blazes have no concept of family or community, just "defend the spawner", like a virus. The only instincts of blaze are to make more blaze asexually, copying the latest model and pasting a very slightly smarter version of it until something goes horribly wrong and Sneve has a conscience.
He's not great, as previously stated, a bit of a dummy at times but otherwise a scientific miracle. Sentience is something that he treasures dearly, though he has no cultural history or history at all when it comes to his kind.
Unlike say Legundo, who not only has the baggage of being a human guy abandoned sometime probably in his youth to be raised as a God among piglins because he's immune to the Sickness. But he also has all the issues of being a piglin living in a human body, someone who never understood the unsaid and unthought happening among his brethren.
Legundo is separated from his kind on both sides of his life, he's genetically a human but it all other walks of life he's piglin through and through. He doesn't have the voicebox to make the grunts and squeals that come naturally to his family, not does he have thick skin to protect himself batter against the dry heat of his home. But he grew up in the nether, he's adapted to very little water and hoglin steaks, mushroom stew too gritty or spicy for the average Joe to be able to stomach. The instinctual fear and inherent weakness of blue flame isn't part of him at all, but it's all he knows. Legundo feels the weakening, fully and truly even though he has no genetics to explain for it.
All this to say, Sneve has the opposite problem. He has no history to fall back on, he's the first of his kind, as far as he knows. There's no texts to research from, no teachers, no family to tell him what to do when it gets cold because anyone who he could consider his relatives aren't sentient at all. They're alive yes, smoking and smouldering in the fortress hallways and spawner cages, fighting for nothing but survival and continuation of the species, but they can't help him understand.
Sneve is alone in his plight to know what to do.
There's no rules, when anyone else gets afflicted by something unconscious they know how to solve it, they have rules to follow, plans to inact when they're feeling scared or lost or confused. Grady returns to the end, or wears a blindfold to calm the ever present dead of eye contact. Jamie takes charge just as her dragon ancestors did before her (even if her version of taking charge is a flawed monarchy dictatorship). Legundo works with gold and makes stew from his childhood, taneesha returns to the mountains, Nuke flies until the air is thin and he goes weightless, Fixx stays hidden, joy preforms magic while singing songs of the Raid, Mongo returns to the deep coral reef, all these people have ways, have coping mechanisms for when they Feel Things. Sneve has none. Sneve is not meant for feeling things, he's meant to prolong the survival of a species, not know or wonder or learn.
He's cold, and he's sitting in the fireplace while it burns around him. It's the closest he can get to feeling ok nowadays.
Blazes don't have faces, but Sneve does, something more to separate him from the others. He found a relatively nice material and fireproofed it using the first poor unfortunate mage he could find, sorry Joy. Then he drew a face on it. He had only seen a few faces at this point so he did his best, and it's wonky and honestly not great, the eyes are too big he thinks, but it's his face goddammit. His face is stagnant, it doesn't change with emotion, but he still hopes the glare he's leveling at Shadow across the room speaks volumes.
-
It does, Shadow is not to be intimidated don't get him wrong, but good gods he's never felt more afraid of his roommate than in this moment right now.
The empty drawn on eyes and silly smile feel somehow threatening and he thinks he can blame the uncanny valley, Sneve's limp form crumpled in the fireplace set ablaze by a fire of his own cause. There's something so indescribably wrong about the way it's Looking at him, like it's looking not only at him but every choice he's ever made. He's being judged by a biblically accurate angel shouting in it's millions of voices "be not afraid" but the wheels of fire and infante eyes say otherwise.
...
Maybe he should install that space heater anyway...for no reason.
No reason at all.
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dollslayer · 4 years ago
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Fight or Flight
Steve Rogers x Reader
Summary: Steve comes clean, in the aftermath and shock you turn to the one person who you know you can trust.
W/C: 2,369
Warnings: Implied cheating, angst, swearing
A/N: Hello! I wrote this for @sweetlyscared 's 1k celebration (congrats, it's well deserved!), prompt is in bold. I'm still pretty new to writing and this is my first true Angst fic so any and all reblogs/comments are super appreciated! Please check out my other stuff if you liked this fic!! Cheers!
PART TWO I Masterlist
____
The feeling of everything crashing around you was slow. Like your world was moving in slow motion as you processed the words. Everything else he was saying became distorted, going to waste as he tried desperately to explain himself to you. All you could hear clearly was your own breathing while you tried to will yourself to do something, anything.
Fight or flight is a funny thing, you were always so feisty and eager to fight back, A Bulldog, Steve had affectionately called you. But when he told you he was in love with someone else, that he has been in love with someone else for months, your body couldn’t find anything in it but to walk away.
Your breathing picked up and your eyes searched the ground, refusing to meet his. You felt your legs raise you up to stand and start walking away, unsure of your destination. When you pivoted to leave the room your eyes met his briefly, staring emotionlessly as his desperately searched for anything at all in yours.
“Where are you going? Doll, please, can we talk about this? I’m, I’m so sorry I-”
Whatever else he was saying wasn’t heard over the noise of opening the door and shutting it behind you. You didn’t know where you were going or what you were feeling other than the obvious. You were in a state of shock, it’s one thing to hear awful news and another to understand that it’s true but you were fastly approaching that truth head-on.
You paused for a moment in the hall and heard no movement come after you. You almost let yourself be surprised but he’d admitted he gave up on you a long time ago, so it only makes sense he wouldn’t fight your exit. You kept walking and tried to hold the floodgates of your heart closed for a bit longer.
Flashes of what was said come back to you slowly as reality sets in. “I can’t put this off any longer. I want you to know that I will always love you, but there’s someone else.”
Your head hurt like it would as if you were already crying, the blood pumping in your ears and pressure building in your temples that would no doubt evoke a long-standing headache. Your face felt hot as you stepped into the elevator, maybe you’d go for a walk in an attempt to fend off your tears. Or maybe you’d walk to a safer place to have an emotional breakdown. Whichever is easier.
Brisk gusts of air greet you as you exit the building, making you realize you left your jacket on the arm of the couch. You took a second to evaluate yourself and noticed you’d also walked out in your house slippers and a thin pair of leggings. Trying to evade the cold you tucked yourself in the doorway of a bodega down the street and dialed Bucky.
Two rings and he picked up.
“Hello?”
“Did you know?”
The silence on the line only reminds you of the blood pumping in your ears. The silence tells you everything you needed to know.
“Liste-”
You hang up.
You’re breathing even harder now. Who else knew? For how long? How long was I the joke? You need to find somewhere else to be soon or all these strangers are going to get an eyeful of a grown woman sobbing. You dial the last number you’d expect to at a time like this.
“What’s happening, shortstack?”
You can hear Tony’s grin through the phone and his easy greeting gives you momentary comfort.
“Can I come over? Something happened.”
“I’ll let Jarvis know to let you in” Tony’s tone is understanding, not needing you to explain further, just letting you know you can come to him.
____
Tony’s only seven blocks from yours and Steve’s shared apartment, a fact you’re grateful for when you feel your feet aching every time they hit the pavement. The conversation replays in your head, you try to word what happened in your head and your anger starts overtaking the heartbreak. It’s almost a welcome reprieve from the settling heartbreak but you’re not sure if you’d rather be numb to it completely.
When the elevator doors open Tony’s waiting for you with two tumblers of scotch in hand. You shake your head and move past him to the couch. He joins you on the opposite armchair and sets both his elbows down on his spread knees, resting his face in his hands.
“Would you like to talk about it or not talk about it?” He asks with a sigh.
You don’t make eye contact with him so you don’t cry, choosing to focus on the Iron Man coffee table book you’d gotten as a gag gift for Tony all those Christmases ago. It almost distracts you enough to laugh, the fact that he just has it out. But you need to tell someone what happened and get it all out before you can let yourself feel it all.
“Steveisinlovewithsomeoneelse,” You rushed it all out in one breath afraid if you didn’t get it out fast enough that you’d break. “He has been for months. He said he doesn’t know when it all changed but when he was with her things just clicked,” you paused to collect yourself, “But don’t worry, I’ll always hold a special place in his heart and he hopes this won’t affect the future of the team or our friendship.”
“Oh, and he’s really sorry.” you added.
You laughed bitterly and shook your head in disbelief. His delivery had been so cold but so sincere, very to the point but pained in its delivery. “I just, whatever we had, it’s just gone. Things are just different now, with her, this kills me though, please believe me. You’re still really special to me.” Bullshit. Special enough to act as a placeholder until someone better comes, special enough to cast aside.
You’re broken momentarily from your spiral into anger by the sound of a glass hitting a coaster a little too hard. Looking up, you find Tony quietly seething. He and Steve aren’t close by any means so you figured that he wouldn’t have known, it’s why you called him over anyone else.
He moves slowly to your side on the couch and pulls you into his side. You can smell his aftershave and what you think might be burned grease from one of the many things he’s been tinkering with in the lab, it smells like him, like comfort.
“That fucking asshole. Unbelievable, I don’t even…” He leaves the thought unfinished.
His hands move up and down your arms in a soothing motion and you finally let yourself have it. You don’t even realize you’re crying until you feel the tears wet his shirt when you bury your face in. You sniffle up tears and snot when your face heats up.
There’s no way to know how long Tony lets you sob into him, no doubt ruining his vintage Depeche Mode shirt. Somewhere in the back of your mind you make a mental note to buy him a new one later. But for now you’ll just allow yourself to cry and you can deal with the world in the morning.
____
Tony lets you fall asleep on his chest, feeling somewhere between furious and heartbroken by proxy. He thinks about letting you sleep and giving Steve a piece of his mind but figures that’s not what you need right now. Your phone sits on the table and he touches the screen to check the time. No notifications on your homescreen except for a missed call from Bucky and an old photo of Steve making a funny face as your background.
Had Steve not even tried to call you? Had he not even tried to go after you? Why was Bucky of all people the only one to be trying to get a hold of you? Prick.
Selfishly Tony is glad that he has a good reason to be rude to Steve now, he has to admit. You two had always been close but when you and Steve started dating he saw less and less of you. He couldn’t fault you for it though, you were so in love with Steve and you knew that the relationship between the two of them was strained so you kept your distance a bit.
He thought of all the sacrifices you’d made for Steve. You gave up your childhood home in the Bronx that your parents had willed to you to move in with him because he wanted you to be closer to the tower. You gave up a promotion and transfer to DC when you were still just an agent, granted you were an avenger now but it doesn’t matter, he’d made a very big deal out of you turning it down. You gave up the friendship the two of you had.
It was incredible, really. How much you had done for him only for him to turn around and love someone else behind your back. Brave enough to fight aliens and terrorists but too cowardly to break up with you and leave you with some dignity. Did anyone else know about this?
Tony had to stop himself from getting too angry, afraid he’d wake you up. So instead he went back to plotting up schematics for the half-finished suit mod he’d been in the middle of when you called.
____
It’s been a week and you still haven’t properly talked to Steve. After two days on Tony’s couch you need to look at things from a logical stance. Where am I going to stay? It’s not like you had your parent’s place anymore and you didn’t want to sign a new lease on an apartment. You could always move into the tower but that meant a higher chance of running into Steve.
You were thinking about all of this out loud to Tony when he offered you the guest bedroom in his penthouse. You were shocked, he’s always been a generous man but after you drifted apart from him you were surprised he even let you stay these past few days. Maybe now was a good time to rebuild your friendship with him and have some space from work.
What’s work going to be like? You agree and go on a temporary leave from the team, just a month to collect yourself. If you really wanted to you could go back but the thought of seeing everyone that knew about Steve’s affair was humiliating and enraging in one go.
It turns out Sam had been playing therapist to Steve in all of this, Nat figured it out through some sleuthing, and Wanda had inadvertently heard his thoughts about her. And none of them thought to tell you? To save you from the anguish but to let it fester? Steve wasn’t the only one that betrayed you. They all had.
What will I say to him? Should I say anything to him? Turns out the answer was ‘nothing’. You texted him to let him know you were moving out and you’d be by to get your things as a courtesy. You walked into an empty apartment and you were almost relieved.
He’d chosen to not be here but he’d left you a letter on the kitchen counter next to a framed photo of the two of you on vacation last year. You scoff but don’t touch the letter. Every ounce of restraint you have is being used as you leave it untouched. But you don’t need to know what excuses or apologies he has on deck, nothing he could say would exonerate him of his wrong-doings. You had no intentions of speaking to him but secretly you hoped he suffered as he stewed in his guilt and inner-turmoil. He deserves to.
When you pack you leave every gift he ever gave you, taking only what you’d brought with you in the first place. You take one look at the unmade bed and almost go to make it out of habit but then you think of the two of them there together. All the long missions you went on without him, all the times you stayed late at work or went out with your friends. How many times had he been here with her while you were there?
You end up only leaving with two suitcases and a backpack full of things. Tony waits for you in the lobby, understanding you wanted your space when you went to get your things in case Steve was there.
The elevator doors open to him taking a selfie with a couple of fans and shaking hands. He’s all too happy to be recognized but when he sees you his eyes soften. Not out of pity, but fondness, like he’s proud of you for getting out.
He sends you a questioning look with a silent question. Are you okay?
You smile at him and for the first time in days it’s a genuine, non-placating, happy-to-see-you smile. It’s okay, I’ll be okay.
He takes one of your suitcases from you and helps you load them into the back of the car before opening the door for you. The drive back to Tony’s is silent but comfortable. The trust you have in each other is strong and unspoken. Something you’ve always been grateful for between the two of you.
He doesn’t ask you about Steve or what happened, always letting you come to him first, which you appreciate. And when you talk he just listens. No bullshit unsolicited advice about moving on or how everything happens for a reason or getting back out there, just listens.
You know the road ahead is long and it will be difficult, but you have someone in your corner and the knowledge that what happened isn’t your fault and that you’re a badass and fuck Steve Rogers and fuck anyone else that did you wrong in all of this. Maybe you’ll forgive them someday but for now you’re gonna focus on you and work on building yourself back up. You’re ready for the ups and downs, you’re ready to fight.
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