#someone smarter than me should write a fic about it

[oplishin]

The fact that toni had mariah dress up as a prototypical version of her past self, and now, when mariah finally destroys her, she dresses like present-day toni!!

she just punches even more of a hole in toni's delusions. rubbing salt into the wound. it's all clothes and aesthetics, toni. it always was. mariah can be a better toni than toni because timeless toni storm has never existed. i'm sorry that you can't escape how australian you are by larping as a hollywood starlet

[jnnul]

mr. brawn and ms. brain

sum: you hate athletes. eunseok is an athlete. eunseok is in love with you. it doesn't take a genius to see that there's an issue with this equation. after a one-sided love for the past three years, eunseok is saved when the two of you are partnered to work on an english project together. which means that eunseok's first step of getting you to fall in love with him is done. next step: get you to give him the time of day... word count: 9.6k a/n: hehe i've been working on this for so long i can't believe it's finally out lol i hope that you all enjoy reading this as much as i loved writing this! <3 someone teach me how to make visually pleasing banners. quick note: feedback, comments, etc. GREATLY encourage writers! if you felt any sort of way (in a good or bad way!) about this fic, pls leave feedback warnings: mentions of reader's insecurities, sungchan being a horrible/amazing friend, simp eunseok, uhh love :D

EUNSEOK SHOULD HAVE KNOWN THAT TRYING TO WRAP HIS MIND AROUND YOUR SHEER GENIUS WAS A BAD IDEA. you were just so much smarter than him; he didn't know why he thought that he could even comprehend the meaning behind your actions anymore.

at least, this is what song eunseok gathers from your animated gestures and anger stained tone as you continue to motion at eunseok semi-offensively.

he's only half-listening (he's perfected the art of the blank stare) and you know that he's not listening too. but eunseok figures that if yelling at him to your heart's content is what would make you feel better, then he was glad to be your not-really listening ear.

"...and you know that i can't do it all on my own!" you yell finally, your distress coming to a climax. eunseok winces when your voice reaches a decibel he didn't know to be humanly possible. your chest is heaving and eunseok, from this, is now well aware that you're upset the fact you had to work on the partner project by yourself last night.

but he didn't know how else to explain to you that he had a soccer match last night that he couldn't just skip out to work on the project - even if it was a project that would more or less determine his grade in the class.

your arms are crossed against your torso, eyebrows furrowed as you wait for eunseok to say something. he's sat in front of you, looking akin to a statue, while you're standing up, glaring down at him and from this angle, eunseok is once again reminded of just why he lets you get away with saying pretty much anything to him.

eunseok is so incredibly in love with you that it takes every fiber of his being from telling you that any time the two of you were together. which was less often than he wanted but more often than you had had in the past so he was willing to take the wins he could get at this point.

"so you want me to the work on the project, that's it, right?" he says slowly and you damn near want to strangle him in that moment. you knew that eunseok wasn't dumb and that he had only sat through your entire lecture because you weren't going to let him hear the end of it anyway but would it kill him to at least pretend like he was remorseful?

"yes," you say finally, with an exasperated sigh. "i just want you to work on the project with me."

the corner of eunseok's lips twitch imperceptibly upwards in a soft smile before it disappears, bringing him back to his much more familiar bored expression. i just want you to work on the project with me.

that had to mean something, right? you wouldn't add the 'with me' without any particular reason, right? you actually meant to indicate something with that 'with me', right?

in all honesty, you're hadn't thought of what you were saying all that hard and had just said everything that came to mind in an attempt to rid yourself of your anger and eunseok knows that as well.

he's been in love with you for long enough to know that you didn't actually mean anything when he formed these delusions on his own but he couldn't help himself.

eunseok has loved you since the moment he saw you sitting inside the classroom, earbuds in your ears as you flipped through your notebook filled with notes while he was outside on the soccer field, squinting up at you against the relentless sun, three years ago.

he wasn't sure what it was. at first, he was sure that it was just the chase. the classic 'unattainable' trope where he was only attracted to you because of the challenge that you presented to him.

but it was strange.

eunseok wasn't a really big fan of cheesy clichés or overplayed poetry about something that he was sure didn't exist anymore but everything had changed when he saw you.

your looks, face, beauty - none of that seemed to be what clicked within him. the moment that you turned your head to peer out the window, your eyes landing on his, it was like his entire soul was breathing a sigh of relief.

if eunseok was any less of a realist, he would've genuinely believed that the two of you were soul tied lovers from previous lives.

the only issue was that eunseok was pretty sure his soulmate would give him the time of day. which you pretty much refused to do. it was like you were allergic to his type or something.

you kept to yourself in general, and didn't really have many friends but at the very least, you were friendly enough to those around you. no one really had anything bad to say about you bar the fact that you never allowed anyone to overtake you on your throne seated comfortably as number one in the whole school.

except for eunseok's friends. they all knew about eunseok's hopeless love for you and for the life of them could not understand why. you barely glanced in his direction in general, and seemed to always glare at any round object that could be used for a sport - and those who carried said offending objects.

which naturally meant that eunseok and the rest of his friends (all of whom unfortunately played some sport or another) were blacklisted by you.

he'd been curious at first why you had so much prejudice against sports and then one time, had seen you be forced to run laps around the field. needless to say, after he saw you nearly trip and fall on your face at least four times in one lap, he was vaguely aware of what prompted you to stay as far away from such activities as possible.

in fact, eunseok was relatively sure that he was going to have to graduate high school without ever actually having a proper conversation. until the fateful day that your english professor had assigned you and eunseok to work on the same project together for a final grade.

it was a simple research paper, but both of you had to submit outlines and drafts that showed how much you each contributed to the project, as well as how much of the project was done with each other - all of which contributed to your grade.

eunseok had thought that this was it! this would be his in!

he was wrong. to be honest, eunseok could count on one hand the number of conversations he'd had with you after starting work on the project together. and could count without any fingers the number of those conversations that were about anything other than project division.

which is why, when you're standing here, arms crossed against your heaving chest and looking at him with those eyes, eunseok has nothing running in his mind other than just how much he wants you to know what he feels.

"eunseok! are you even listening to me anymore?" you ask, waving a hand in his face. eunseok blinks before clearing his throat. he reaches out a long arm to pull out a chair in the desk next to his and indicates for you to sit down on it.

you eye the chair warily before sitting down, folding your skirt underneath your thighs as you sit gingerly, as if you were expecting it to explode.

the sight would normally make eunseok just roll his eyes for anyone else but with you, it makes him smile.

"okay, i'm sorry. with the game last night, i forgot to my part for the draft due friday. but i promise, i'm still going to make it up to you and finish all of the stuff i needed to do as soon as possible," eunseok says. you watch him for a moment before nodding and moving to get up out of the chair as eunseok rushes to come up with some reasoning to get you to stay with him a little longer.

"although, are you sure you're going to be able to finish the section by yourself? i had some issues with the first half of pride and prejudice because of the characterization and the time period," you say, although the last half of your thought seems to be much more reluctant than the first half, as if you didn't want to admit that you had any academic weaknesses to eunseok.

but eunseok barely pays it any mind, jumping on the opportunity as soon as he recognizes it. "oh...yeah, honestly i don't know if i can do it by myself. since we both have access to the late night study room anyway, do you wanna finish it together tonight?"

eunseok watches as the gears turn in your head, bottom lip caught between your teeth as you debate the possibilities in your mind. and even as you do, he tries to control the erratic beating of his heart at the chance of spending so much time with you.

if he could explain his feelings to anyone, which eunseok was not gifted with the vocabulary of attempting to do so, he was sure that they would ask if he was ripped straight from the novel the two of you were assigned to work on.

to be honest, eunseok thinks as he rests his temple against the heel of his palm, watching as you pull out a timetable and consult it with utmost seriousness, even he found it kinda silly.

well, not silly as in his crush on you was dumb per se (although, there were times where he realized just how unfounded his feelings truly were). more silly like i didn't even know these kinds of feelings could still exist in people.

silly like how a child discovering the world for the first time might be - awkward in their gait but curiosity shining brightly in their eyes, learning how to be human for the first time.

he knows that his whole 'true love' or 'soulmate' semantics were not for the weak of heart - and most definitely not for those who were too embroiled in the 'love' of today's day and age. but he couldn't bring himself to care.

it made him want to be a better person for you. to be the man that you would glance at in more than just passing. to be worthy of your love.

"alright. i'm scheduled for an english tutoring session but i'll ask them to meet me tomorrow instead. maybe i can use some of the stuff that we learn during our project," you say with a sigh, crossing out some of the timings written in your schedule and rearranging them.

eunseok's eyebrows furrow. "you take tutoring lessons? oh, like a private tutor?"

you eye eunseok strangely, as if you weren't sure if he was making a joke or not.

"no...i teach people. i tutor for english, mathematics, and some other subjects as well. it's how i'm adding to my resumé." the chair makes an awful noise when you push it back to stand up.

"oh," eunseok says. resumé? for what? college admissions? god, he really needed to start getting ready for that. his csat score was not high enough for him to even dream about getting into a good enough school for you to recognize him.

or, you know, secure brighter future in such a competitive job market. but that was mostly secondary.

"yeah. so..." you trail off awkwardly, toeing the ground with your arms behind your back. the sight of you being awkward or unsure of yourself was foreign to eunseok but nonetheless endearing.

"yeah. so i'll see you tonight then? after classes end?" eunseok prompts you and you seem to snap out of whatever reverie your mind was in.

"mhm." it's absent-minded and almost an afterthought, as you make your way out of the classroom, pausing at the door to look at him before leaving.

+++

classes end a couple of hours later, and eunseok is left waiting anxiously in the study rooms.

you'd agreed to meet after classes but eunseok realizes that he'd never asked for a specific time or your number to communicate with you, meaning that he'd been stuck in the study rooms for the past hour, unsure if and when you were going to show up.

eunseok had been productive with his time, of course. he'd tucked away the soccer ball he'd brought to school into one of the lockers in the back and popped a breath mint. not for any particular reason, but he didn't want you to think of him in the stereotypical 'jock who doesn't partake in hygiene'.

he'd even tried to make progress on the pride and prejudice chapters he'd been assigned (by you) to write about, only to give up three sentences in.

the one thing that eunseok had done incorrectly, however, was drinking too much water. see, eunseok had a strange habit of chugging water every time he got nervous. needless to say, about an hour of sheer anxiety of when you were going to show up made him down the whole waterbottle.

which was not good because now, eunseok had to relieve himself and you were still nowhere to be seen. and he couldn't just go use the restroom and come back because he was pretty sure you'd just leave and assume that he bailed on you if he left his post in the study rooms.

eunseok paces around the room, hoping that time would move faster if he moved faster (time-space was in same dimension after all, so technically...). he's taken about twenty-three laps around the study room when he finally hears the door click open and you enter the study room somewhat cautiously, looking worse for wear.

"I'LL BE RIGHT BACK!" eunseok manages to holler before sprinting out of the study room, not wanting to look back and see your undoubtedly bewildered face as he makes a mad dash for the men's restrooms.

it's not until eunseok finally relieves himself, washing his hands in the sink that was lower than his hips that he realizes what he'd just done.

eunseok berates himself more than once or twice in the bathroom, pacing back and forth once more when he realizes just how much of an idiot he must've looked like as he sprinted out of the room like a crazy man.

"it's ok. it's ok! having to use the restroom is natural! everyone needs to! it's not like y/n doesn't, right? don't worry, you look fine. you're so hot, she'll forget it happened."

you didn't forget. when eunseok slinked back into the study room, you can barely keep the silly smile off your face, trying your best to look understanding and apologetic instead.

"i'm - i'm so sorry for coming late eunseok. i heard there was soccer practice today so i figured you'd be late and decided to help mrs. kim with creating the study set for the upcoming math test," you explain, unable to keep the lighthearted giggle out of your voice.

eunseok offers an embarrassed half-grin as he waves you off.

"don't worry, i wasn't waiting long. i just got here too. uh, i asked coach to cancel practice since both captains wouldn't be able to make it," eunseok says, looking busily through his backpack in an effort to prevent you from looking at his red face.

"you asked the coach to cancel practice?" you ask incredulously and eunseok tries his best to act nonchalant.

"yeah. i mean, you're right after all. academics are more important than sports - it's not like i plan on going pro or anything so i figured that i should sit down and make some headway on this project," eunseok says with a shrug, and it brings him a strange sense of satisfaction when you glance at him as though you were suddenly looking at him for the first time.

"you don't plan on playing in college? i mean i've heard that you're good enough for it," you say, and you sound genuinely curious, rearranging the books in front of you.

"i mean i plan on playing in college but i can't exactly get into college just on sports. i'm not that good. i still need to have good grades and scores to get in," eunseok says and you frown, deep in thought, but eunseok can tell that it's not in a bad or malicious way.

"i'd never thought you would care that much about school," you say softly and eunseok can't help but shoot you a lopsided grin.

"we're not all just dumb jocks, y/n," he responds, his voice just as soft and he realizes just how much he likes the taste of your name on his tongue.

"yeah. i guess so," you say finally, offering him a small smile.

eunseok thinks he can die happy when he sees it.

+++

the two of you don't become best friends over the next couple weeks. in fact, you still don't have too many conversations with him other than about the project, but it's more than eunseok has been awarded with before.

you talk to him in between classes now, when you see him in the hallways, and ask him about soccer practice. eunseok always blushes, casting his eyes towards the windows so that he had something to look at other than your intelligent and probing eyes.

he even sees you wave at him during soccer practice, when you're headed out early for tutoring and eunseok nearly dies of heart attack, tripping over himself as he rushes to wave back.

wonbin didn't let him live that down for a full week after the incident occurred, laughing and waving in exaggerated motions every time he saw eunseok.

he even went as far as going up to you and asking you to come to one of the upcoming soccer matches, all in the name of good fun.

eunseok had had to literally tackle wonbin to the floor in order to keep him from spilling any vital information ("please come to the soccer match because our captain has been crushing on you since his first year and we can't see him like this anymore.") but it was clear that the message came through incorrectly.

"you don't want me to come to your match that much? i thought we were better friends than that, eunseok," you said with a frown, and eunseok had to scramble to his feet, kicking wonbin with his foot.

"no - no! it's not that. i do really want you to come to our soccer match. but i kinda wanted to be the one to ask you. you know, because you're so busy all the time and i thought you might say yes if i asked rather than this idiot," eunseok had explained, tripping over his words in an attempt to make sure that he didn't hurt your emotions.

you'd stared up at him, your face unreadable. that was the one thing that eunseok didn't like about you - he could never truly predict exactly what you were thinking unless you said it out loud. you were infamous for your poker face and it made eunseok incredibly nervous.

little did he know that that was the exact reason that eunseok made you nervous.

"i'll come if i have time," you had said simply, turning on your heel to flounce away.

"you're an idiot but goddamnit, i love you wonbin," eunseok had said, descending onto the right wing to tackle him to the floor once more with a hug.

"alright! i get it! get off of me, cap!" wonbin said, pawing at eunseok's arms to relieve himself from the bearhug he was trapped in. he'd just laughed, wrapping his arms around wonbin even tighter.

which brought eunseok to his current predicament.

not only had you come to the match, but you'd brought some of your friends with you. eunseok doesn't really recognize any of them but by the way that you're laughing as you're talking to them, eunseok figures that that you must be pretty close.

"if you could stop staring at the love of your life and finish warm-up drills, that would be great, cap," wonbin says and eunseok shivers, startled by the right wing's sudden presence.

"yeah. uh, team! keep up the drills for just two more minutes before debriefing," eunseok yells, finally forcing his head away from your direction to face his team.

"i invited her because i wanted to give you a chance to impress yourself in front of her. don't make this rare opportunity into a mess," wonbin suggests with a smirk, saluting to eunseok as he ran to sungchan to finish the last few drills with him.

"that brat. and he still wants to be captain next year," eunseok grumbles under his breath, begrudgingly joining the rest of the team. as much as he hated to admit it, wonbin was right.

getting you to come to this match was already more than eunseok had ever had in the past; there was no way that he was going to let himself fuck this up. that would be so incredibly embarrassing.

"alright!" eunseok shouts, clapping his hands and waiting for the team to huddle around him. "i don't need to remind anyone that just because our team has been doing well, we still need to play at our best, right? you all know how to play soccer so just do what you've been doing and don't let it get to your head. good and bad plays both."

he extends his hand out to the center of their huddle, and the rest of the team also extends their hands, chanting their school's soccer cheer before dispersing to discard any extra gear or possessions.

eunseok looks one last time to where you were sitting, just as a quick 'good luck glance' and he's startled to see you already staring back at him. you cock your head and smile slightly, offering him a thumbs up and eunseok feels as though he'd already won the match.

"seok, i've got an idea," sungchan, eunseok's fellow captain and one of his closest friend says, slinging an arm around his shoulders.

"what bullshit are you stirring up now?" eunseok says, his voice flat and unimpressed. sungchan grabs his chest where his heart was, as though he'd been shot, dramatically stumbling backwards.

"here i am, offering to relieve you of your pining and you say i'm stirring up bullshit," sungchan gasps. eunseok rolls his eyes, grabbing sungchan's jersey to pull him forward.

"what? match is starting soon," eunseok says, unable to keep the smile out of his voice.

"i'll make a bet with you," sungchan says. "if i score more goals than you do, you have to ask out y/n. but if you score more goals than i do, then you don't have to."

"this feels like a stupid bet. i'm not doing it," eunseok says, but he can already feel himself being swayed. he'd liked you for so long - at this point, he was just looking for the slightest push in the right direction to ask you out.

"alright fine. you don't have to. y/n's pretty cute, honestly, and she's hella smart too. so i'll make you a different deal. if i score more goals, i ask her out. if you score more goals, i won't ask her out," sungchan says, a devilish smile on his face.

eunseok's eyes look as though they'd burn sungchan to smithereens if they could but sungchan barely shivers, offering him a shit-eating grin and turning to blow a kiss to you.

"what the fuck? i should've known that you were up to something stupid," eunseok growls. "why the hell would you ask her out?"

"it's only an issue if i score more goals than you, right?" sungchan says, jogging backwards to join the team again, never breaking eye contact with eunseok.

eunseok knew that sungchan was a loyal friend and there was no way in hell that he was going to ask you out - even as a joke or as a push to get eunseok to confess his feelings - but eunseok was pissed. the idea of someone else confessing to you before he ever did made him see red.

the team barely sees eunseok the whole match. which is strange, because he's in for the entire match, but they barely even see him, his red uniform appearing as streaks up and down the field. he scores goal after goal, running towards the goalpost at speeds they'd never see the usually laidback captain move at.

and sungchan was no better than him. although his heart wasn't in it nearly as much, sungchan was hot on eunseok's heels, the two of them on opposite ends of the field and being the two people that the team relied on the most the entire match, carrying the entire team to victory.

which is why when the scoreboard reads 5 - 0, the team is shocked, but sungchan just has that stupid grin on his face. not only had eunseok scored one more goal than sungchan, he'd also gone mad, ensuring that the opposing team didn't score a single goal.

"what the hell did you do to cap?" wonbin asks sungchan, and the older boy just nods in your general direction.

"gave him the push he's been needing," he says, smirking with satisfaction when he sees eunseok jogging over to where you were sitting, after shaking hands with the opposing team and thanking the referees.

"thanks for coming, y/n," eunseok says, out of breath and sweaty when he reaches to where you were sitting. "i honestly didn't think you were coming - since sports aren't really your thing."

"i promised i would come, didn't i?" you quip, and a shy smile overtakes your face, making eunseok having to use every single ounce of his willpower to keep from squealing at how cute he found you. your friends slowly start to file out to leave the two of you standing there - you in the bleachers and him on the field.

"hm, yeah, you did." eunseok's face turns contemplative and for some reason, you rush to fill the silence, in a way that you'd never felt compelled to do with anyone else before.

"i have to admit...i had more fun than i thought," you say, choking on the words as you get them out. eunseok's eyebrows ascend into his hairline - which would be hilarious if you weren't the reason that they were doing so.

"you had fun? y/n l/n? having fun? that too, at a soccer match?" eunseok says incredulously, throwing his hands on his chest dramatically. "well, i'll be!"

you roll your eyes, but you can't help the silly smile you can feel start to form on your lips.

"i can have fun, you know. i'm not always studying and boring everyone. even at soccer games where all i see is a ball go up and down and i have no clue what's happening. i think you did well, though, since everyone was chattering a lot about your performance," you say, adding the last part to appease eunseok for inviting you.

"i don't care about what people say," eunseok says easily, waving his hand in the air as if to physically rid himself of the thought of other people disturbing his mental wellbeing.

"y/n! you have to get going; your tutoring starts soon and mrs. im is always super mad when anyone's the slightest second late!" one of your friends calls out, coming closer to physically drag you away from eunseok if need be.

even his ugliest stare doesn't work on discouraging them from approaching the two of you and eunseok figures that he should work on a mean glare instead of a blank stare; the latter wasn't helping as much anymore now that everyone just assumed that's what his natural face looked like.

"alright, alright. i'm coming," you say, stepping down the stairs of the bleachers carefully, tripping on the last step. eunseok's arm shoots out before he can even think of what he's doing, catching you as you fall.

"thank you," you say breathlessly, and suddenly, eunseok worries that you can hear the erratic beating of his heart from just how close you were to each other, your chests quite nearly touching.

"you wanna hang out some time? maybe prove that the academic queen, school topper, ms. brain knows how to have some fun?" eunseok asks, and he can feel the blood rushing throughout his body as his adrenaline is at an all-time high.

he doesn't think that he was nearly this nervous or that his heart was even pumping this hard during this match. but now, as he's looking down at the most beautiful woman he's ever seen in eighteen years of life, he can't help but feel weak in the knees and just a little too stupidly hopeful.

"i'm sorry eunseok. i'm pretty busy nowadays. especially with new people that i've been tutoring. i don't even have too much time to study myself; i don't think i can afford to take too many breaks now," you explain, somewhat sorry and somewhat sullen.

eunseok tries to keep the heartbreak from showing on his face and he nods, almost too excitedly.

"oh yeah, i get it! no worries! i mean, you are the number one student in the school! you've gotta keep those grades up!" his voice sounds fake even to his own ears and your friend winces apologetically but you don't even seem phased, flashing him a sweet smile.

"we'll 'hang out' when we work on the project next monday though right?" you ask, and eunseok nods, a plastic smile on his face.

"yeah, of course," he says, and for some reason, he can't help but wonder if you knew just how great you were at letting people down. eunseok knew that you were beautiful but no one had ever dared to ask you out, for fear of the fact that they would come second to your academics.

it's hard to ask someone out when you know what the answer is.

"well, i'll get going now then. mrs. im seems like a real tiger mom and i have my first tutoring session with her son today," you say, wrapping your sweater a little bit tighter around your body as you wave goodbye, retreating into the foggy afternoon.

"how did it go, cap?" wonbin asks, a knowing grin on his face, ready to tease/congratulate his captain on his definite success in asking you out.

eunseok doesn't even turn away from watching your figure until he's just staring at empty space and fog before saying, "tell the team we're running laps."

wonbin balks, looking in your direction to see if you'd come to save them. "but we won, cap!"

"no, sungchan and i won. the team is running laps," eunseok grinds out and wonbin immediately retreats backwards, understanding the situation a bit too clearly.

he sets off into a sprint and the team is quick to follow when they see the confusing expression on their captain's face. there was a mix of shame, heartbreak, confusion, guilt, and even some anger on his face and the team was just going to have to take the brunt of his emotions for now. he had a valid point, after all.

you were none the wiser about the soccer team's struggles until your friend, kim minjeong, looks back to see her friend, park wonbin, running in repeated circles before the fog starts to cover the soccer field. she shoves her hands into the pockets of her sweater before shaking her head.

"you know that eunseok was asking you out, right?" she asks and you scoff, pushing her slightly.

"you're insane minjeong. i think that jekyll and hyde is finally getting to you," you jest slightly, referencing her english project. "why the hell would eunseok ask me out?"

"because he wants to spend time with you? because you're a fun person when people get to know you? because he likes you, i don't know!" minjeong exclaims, stopping dead in her tracks and throwing her hands up.

"no, that can't be true," you say, but when you turn to look at what minjeong was looking at, you find that your eyes search the field until they lock with eunseok's eyes, which are trained on you and he cocks his head, causing you to shiver and face forward.

"are you sure?" minjeong asks, looking back and forth between you and eunseok as you march forward determinedly.

"i'm sure. there's no way that eunseok likes me."

+++

you were sure that eunseok didn't like you. that was what you had told minjeong and ning yizhuo, another one of your good friends, when the two of them had confronted you again later. that's the truth, as far as you're aware.

that's what made the most sense too; why the hell would the ace soccer captain be any level of interested in a person who spent all of their time studying and tutoring? someone who was known to be a reserved and kind enough person but a complete hardass when it came to their academics?

yizhuo's words echo in your mind as you sit on your bed, having completed your nightly routine of taking your vitamins and doing your skincare.

he'd never ask you if he wasn't interested.

you hated when she was right. especially when it meant that you were wrong about something. most especially because it meant that you were being emotionally unaware of something.

you stare at your phone, as if staring at it long enough would produce the answers you're searching for - the same thing you'd been doing for the past half hour. you know that you should go to sleep soon; you didn't have any tutoring tomorrow but you were planning on using the time to study, not having had much time over the weekdays to study.

but almost against your own reason and will, your arm reaches for your phone and types out a message recklessly, pressing send before your brain has the time to catch up to the antics of your foolish heart.

you: you wanna go to the arcade with me tomorrow?

you gasp at your own message, scandalized by your sudden initiative and something so out of character for you. you couldn't remember the last time you'd spent more than a couple minutes doing something fun.

actually, that was a lie. you'd just gone to eunseok's game. and you'd had fun. it was something about him that made you want to set down your pens and embrace life. or something else cheesy like that.

your heart jumps when eunseok's response comes, not even a minute after you'd sent the initial message.

song eunseok: i'd lvoe to. song eunseok: **love song eunseok: no tutoring tomorrow?

you type out a response, looking up to check the time on the desktop computer, catching a glimpse of your reflection. why the hell were you smiling?

you: not tomorrow. they canceled since they're going to busan for the weekend. song eunseok: ohhh i see. song eunseok: then let's do it! 1pm? you: sounds good. you: :)

you cast your phone aside on your nightstand, not bothering to read whatever messages eunseok had sent afterwards, instead drifting off into a somewhat peaceful and somewhat anticipatory sleep as you dreamt of the next day.

+++

you're uncharacteristically nervous, knee bouncing as you check your watch for the time for the third time in the past thirty seconds. much to your dismay, it was still very much 12:45 PM.

never had you been this nervous on the day of an important exam or a recital for violin. mostly because those were things that came somewhat easily to you - practice, practice, practice and you would succeed in any task given to you.

but friends? specifically friends who asked you on dates (according to yizhuo and minjeong, that's what this was)? you were somewhere between absolutely lost and crazy scared.

it's just eunseok, you have to breathe and remind yourself. just song eunseok. the stoic soccer team captain. your english project partner. the one that you've been getting a little too influenced by lately.

you consider turning around and heading home to safer territories (textbooks) and bailing on eunseok but before you can put your escape plan into action, the bane of your existence and cause for your issues appears in your vision, jogging over to you with the classic blank face that you've grown used to.

the shit-eating grin on his face that grows when he sees you already sitting on the bench outside the arcade is something that you're not used to, however, and it makes you blush at the implication.

"i'm a very punctual person," you say as soon as eunseok is in earshot, your ego smarting.

"i never said anything," eunseok retorts and you just harrumph, crossing your arms over your chest. "besides, i thought i'd definitely get here before you. you know, to practice."

your eyebrows knit together as you try to decipher the meaning behind his words. "to practice? practice what?"

eunseok's smile grows a little more bashful and sincere as he turns to face the arcade, unable to face you. "practice showing you that i'm worth wasting your saturday afternoon on instead of studying."

you fumble for words, leaping to your feet and marching into the arcade. "i'm not wasting my saturday afternoon on you! i'm - i'm showing you that i can be fun!"

eunseok just watches you enter the arcade, a dopey expression on his face and he jogs to follow you inside, slinging an arm around you in a casual motion that neither him nor you were expecting.

"you're plenty of fun, y/n. you have nothing to prove." eunseok's voice is soft and sweet above your head, and a little too sincere for you to pass over his words nonchalantly. you step just the slightest bit closer into his embrace, an action that doesn't go unnoticed by him and his grip, previously loose and lax so that you could push him off whenever, grows just the tightest bit stronger.

"that sounds like someone who's scared of getting their ass kicked in dance dance revolution."

"oh hell no. you're on, miss school topper."

+++

as much as you hate to admit it, you have an incredible time with eunseok at the arcade. although you don't live up to your own expectations of your performance at arcade games (you chalk it up to lack of practice), eunseok exceeds your expectations.

even games that he says that he's never attempted before come to him easily, and he beats you at every single one of them, even with handicaps such as shooting with one hand for the basketball game or closing his eyes and playing whack a mole.

it's somewhat damaging to your street cred (not that you were banking on any street cred, to be honest) but eunseok manages soothe your ego by winning you three plushies at the claw machine (which he was also good at; you were starting to think that he was ai). two of them were matching so you hand him one of them, saying that it could be a good way to remember this afternoon together.

"i don't think i forget this afternoon," eunseok says when you hand him the plushie.

"hm?" you ask, somewhat distracted by the cute plushies in your arms.

"nothing," he says, rubbing the back of his neck. "what do you say we go get some coffee? there's a really nice café nearby here."

"oh yeah, lets go. i love memories café; i study there all the time," you say, hugging the plushies to your chest.

"really? one of my friends works there! you should've told me before; i would've gotten you free coffee this whole time," eunseok exclaims, waving goodbye to the arcade employee that he'd become rather familiar with after all his visits to their establishment. the employee points to you subtly and gives him a thumbs up to indicate her approval of eunseok's type, and he just fake bows in agreement, walking out the arcade with a silly smile.

"which one? the tall one? i forget his name but he's pretty popular on campus, isn't he?" you say, your voice growing unsure as you try to place him in your memory.

"sungchan?" eunseok asks darkly, a troubled expression on his face. "yeah, he's pretty popular. for being pretty. and popular. and good at a lot of stuff."

"yeah, sungchan! he's the one who works there, isn't he? yizhuo always drags me to go when he's working because she thinks he's cute," you say before turning to eunseok with a gasp. "don't tell anyone i told you that! god, i can't believe i let that slip!"

eunseok chokes out a laugh, shaking his head. "i won't tell anyone, trust me. but, uh, do you think that he's cute? i mean you come to café pretty often right? is it because...because you think he's cute?"

you frown, trying to conjure his face in your mind before shrugging. "nah. i mean i see why people think he's cute but he's not really my type."

eunseok's heart leaps for joy before stopping at the end of your sentence. "uh, you have a type?"

he opens the door to the café for you when you reach it. you enter it, mumbling a quick thanks as you brush past him.

"sure. which teenage girl doesn't?" you quip, not even bothering to read the menu, already sure of what you were going to get.

eunseok scans the café, before groaning internally as his eyes land on his co-captain, flashing sweet smiles to every person that steps up to the register, never failing to make them swoon.

"care to share?" eunseok asks, shielding you from sungchan, wanting to prevent the clash for as long as possible.

"only if you do," you retort, and eunseok's stuck between figuring out how to keep you from seeing sungchan (or realistically, sungchan from seeing you) and how to tell you that you were his type, without actually saying your name.

he's saved and damned at the same time when sungchan calls out his name, and you peek around eunseok's body to see sungchan standing there in all of his tall, beautiful glory.

"sungchan, hey," eunseok says with a grumble, and you look up at him worriedly. he rushes to fix his tone, not wanting you to think that he was a salty or shitty friend.

"i see you've brought a friend," sungchan says smugly, and he extends his hand over the counter for you to shake. "hi! i'm sungchan, eunseok's co-captain."

you accept his hand, shaking it politely. "nice to meet you. eunseok's talked you up a lot. i'm y/n, by the way."

sungchan's eyes dart to eunseok at the mention of his praise, who's still brooding slightly, with a slight smile on his face. "trust me, there's no person at our school who doesn't know our resident number one academic. you haven't given up the throne since the day you stepped in our school."

you blush, trying to shrug casually. "i'm just really lucky to have the opportunities i do."

"intelligent, humble, and beautiful? how'd you get a girl like this to give you the time of day, seok-ie?" sungchan says, and it's like rubbing salt in the wound. sungchan is joking, and eunseok logically knows that he is just teasing him for finally working up the courage to ask you out three years after he developed feelings for you. but for some reason, the sweet smile on your face directed at sungchan instead of him made him upset.

"trust me, i have no clue either. she's pretty much perfect, isn't she?" eunseok says finally, and the sheer sincerity in his voice is enough for you to rip your gaze away from sungchan and to eunseok, who's looking at you with honey dripping from his eyes.

the sweetness in his eyes makes your heart race for some reason and you clear your throat, unable to turn away from eunseok for a good couple seconds before looking at the menu behind sungchan's head.

"well, uh, could i get a vanilla latte please? hot, not iced," you say, hating the quirk in your voice. eunseok's gaze is heavy on your face and he can barely find it in himself to turn away, ordering the same thing as you.

sungchan smirks, entering the order as his eyes dart between you and eunseok, both standing less than a foot apart but unable to look at each other.

"alright. i'll bring it over to your table, then. pro tip, the second floor has the best spot to watch the sunset in thirty minutes," sungchan says. eunseok nods in thanks, pulling out his wallet to offer sungchan a ten thousand won bill to cover your coffee and his own but sungchan just waves him away.

"today's coffee is on me. for the momentous occasion of song eunseok going on a date for the first time in his life," sungchan says and your head whips to see eunseok's reaction.

this was his first date? you think. but he's so popular! and so handsome...how has no one asked him out before?

almost as though sungchan can read your mind, he responds for eunseok. "he's been asked out so many times but he insisted that he was waiting for the one."

sungchan's words barely register in your mind, and your thoughts are still racing when eunseok guides you upstairs and to the table that sungchan had suggested.

"you've been waiting for the one?" you ask with an incredulous tone and eunseok tries his best to play it off casually.

"sungchan just says whatever. it's mostly because i didn't have the time," eunseok explains. and because none of the people who asked me out were you, he thinks, but doesn't voice aloud.

"hm. honestly, before you asked me out, i kinda thought i was going to die single," you admit after a couple moments of silence.

"why would you think that? we're only eighteen! and besides, you're smart, talented at violin, beautiful, and a bunch of other things i can't think of right now. anyone would be lucky to date you," eunseok says indignantly and you smile, but it doesn't quite reach your eyes.

"if i'm being honest with you, it's all just to cover up my own insecurities. in middle school, i wasn't that smart and i didn't really care about my grades. i had a crush on this kid - i think his name was shotaro? - but he didn't really notice me. i wasn't the smartest kid in the grade, or the prettiest one, or even rich enough to dress up nicely and wear the things i wanted to.

"i don't think he actually cared about any of that stuff but my own insecurities sabotaged me enough to convince myself that he wanted nothing to do with me because i wasn't good enough. so i threw myself into everything i could. violin, academics, working out - everything. i started getting quieter and quieter because i thought that no one would want to listen to what i had to say.

"and the more i did things like that, the more i got used to being like that. i got used to being alone and focusing on my academics and stuff. even minjeong and yizhuo have always been closer to each other than they have been to me. they do fun things without me and that's mostly my fault because i never truly let them in but i don't know. it's hard to remind myself that people want to be my friend.

"especially because everyone thinks that all i think about is stuff like my studies and violin. it's hard to have fun and make memories when there's no one to make memories with. i just wish that i could have days like this, where i go out and have fun and do the things i want to with someone who wants to make memories with me."

you sigh, brushing away the tears that had welled up in your eyes as you had spoke. eunseok is silent the whole time and you finally come to your senses, rushing to lean forward in your chair and explain your sudden outburst of emotions.

"i'm so sorry for talking your ear off! i have no clue what my problem is; i promise i'm not usually so full of myself. i don't know why i'm talking about myself so much - "

eunseok doesn't let you finish. before your brain can even process, eunseok's lips are on your cheek, and your entire body just freezes.

and before you can understand what's happening, eunseok's back in his chair, looking at you as if you were the one who had kissed him, rather than vice versa.

"sorry! i just - i didn't mean to kiss you without your consent. i'm sorry. i just really don't want you to continue berating yourself," eunseok says. "i really like you and it really sucks to know that the one person that you like the most - the person that you wish nothing but the best for - doesn't like themself nearly as much as you do."

he leans forward in his chair, turning his head so that his cheek was facing you.

"you should slap me. i can take it! i deserve it, anyway," eunseok says, squeezing his eyes shut when he feels a breeze descend on his cheek. but instead of the stinging of a slap, it feels as though a soft pillow has touched his cheek.

eunseok opens his eyes to see you leaning over the table to press your lips to his cheek and in his shock, he turns his head and suddenly his lips are on yours and you're kissing in this café.

it's like fireworks explode in eunseok's body, especially when you raise your hand to touch his cheek gently before pulling away, eunseok resting his forehead against yours.

"this is cute and all but do you mind doing this at home? i'm gonna lose my job and maybe my lunch if i have to watch this any longer," says sungchan's smug voice from behind eunseok, and the two of you leap backwards into your respective chairs.

"sorry man," eunseok manages to choke out, and you just hide your face in your hands, too embarrassed to look up.

"don't mind me," sungchan quips, setting down the two cups of coffee and retreating down the stairs, shoulders shaking from trying to hide his laughs.

"this is going to be all over school, isn't it?" you groan, your head letting a resounding thunk when you collapse against the table. eunseok gets up to hunt down and sungchan and swear (read: threaten) him to secrecy but you reach out, catching eunseok's sleeve.

you let go when eunseok stops to look at you, a hot flush on your cheeks. "i don't mind it, honestly. i mean, i was never expecting my first relationship to be such a public one but there's no sense in hiding things right?"

"wait, wait, wait. we're in a relationship? that you're okay with being public with?" eunseok says, and he can see you visibly debate back-peddling and taking back your statement or going forward with conviction.

it seems that you've chosen full throttle when you cross your arms over your chest, leaning on the table. "isn't that what you want too? a relationship? i'm assuming that you wouldn't kiss me if you didn't want me to be something more than a friend to you and i wouldn't kiss you if i wasn't open to exploring being that something more."

eunseok feels as though he's on cloud nine, slinking back into his chair with the satisfaction of a cat with a bowl of cream.

"trust me, there's nothing that i want more than that."

+++

as the two of you had expected, the school is quick to catch onto the budding relationship between you and eunseok and quite frankly, it feels refreshing for you to be associated with something other than excelling your academics.

eunseok breathes fresh air into your life just by his mere presence. he coerces you into coming to his soccer matches, never failing to run into the bleachers to scoop you up in his arms and kiss you like you're the only two people in the world.

the news of the resident ms. brain and mr. brawn dating had spread like wildfire, and an instagram post with eunseok spinning you and kissing you after winning the seoul championships garners over four hundred thousand views, your romance going viral. so viral, in fact, that someone had created an instagram account just to document your relationship - the account had over three thousand followers, as of the last time you checked.

you'd initially thought that the attention that your relationship spun up would cause issues between the two of you but more than anything, it caused you to work through any issues that came up with communication and healthy relationship counseling (sungchan flirting with you until eunseok finally got off his ass and apologized after fucking up - only whenever fights were about stupid things that either of you were too proud to give in about).

and just like that, months passed by within the blink of an eye. the instagram account (you're somewhat sure that park wonbin and kim minjeong were running the account from sheer amount of footage from close up the instagram page featured) posted a video of eunseok playing insanely well at a match after one of the times that sungchan had been called in reinforcements.

eunseok's dream college had extended a soccer scholarship, and he'd committed within twenty fours of receiving the offer and soon after, you committed to the same college.

when various people, eunseok included, asked you why you'd chosen to go to the same school as eunseok, rather than a bigger or more prestigious school (although this school was still top six in the nation), you'd just smiled and leaned into eunseok's embrace.

"i can study and do well anywhere. i can't make memories to cherish and share for the rest of my life if i go anywhere else." is all you say to everyone who asked and eunseok thanks his lucky stars that he'd kissed you that day in the café to be able to hold you and talk about a future with the two of you like this.

and just as fast the last couple months had passed by, a full ten years pass by. the ten years are filled with moments of happiness and sadness, laughs and tears, but filled with life that you wouldn't trade for the world.

and when you and eunseok walk together to the high school reunion held at someone's restaurant, hand in hand, looking the same as you had as stupidly in love teenagers ten years ago, next to no one is suprised.

"look who it is! it's mrs. brawn and mr. brain now," someone calls out, causing all of your classmates to erupt into laughter. the both of you just look at each other and smile, flagging down where sungchan and minjeong are sitting and taking your own seats next to them.

"by the way, eunseok, how'd you get our resident genius to go out with you anyway? or even fall in love hard enough to go to the same college as you?" someone you don't really recognize asks from the other side of the restaurant and the entire restaurant buzzes with excitement, waiting for eunseok's answer.

eunseok smiles and exchanges a look with sungchan, a teasing glint in his eyes. "let's just say that sungchan isn't allowed within ten feet of my wife."

and with that, the restaurant breaks out into cheers and laughter, everyone returning to their conversation, the attention turning to the most eligible bachelor of their grade, jung sungchan.

minjeong leans over to whisper in your ear. "it's a good thing you had a private wedding; i bet half of these people don't know that sungchan was eunseok's best man."

you shrug, laughing freely with everyone else. "half of these people also don't know that you and sungchan have been dating for the past three years."

eunseok's wedding band flashes under the light as he raises his glass to toast to the 'inside joke' that the four of you shared, clinking his beer with the three of you.

"to the bambi boy and the winter girl!"

"to mr. brawn and mrs. brain!"

"i can't believe i graduated from ms. brain to mrs. brain."

"and i can't believe that you and eunseok have been together for eleven years instead of fourteen because eunseok was too much of a pussy to ask you out when he started liking you."

"JUNG SUNGCHAN, I'M GOING TO FLAY YOU!"

"don't skin my fiancé please. you can do whatever you want after the wedding."

"i can't believe my fiancé hates me this much."

"i can't believe these people are our friends."

"i can't believe i finally scored mrs. brain."

[mrsshabana]

𝐇𝐚𝐩𝐩𝐲 𝐍𝐞𝐰 𝐘𝐞𝐚𝐫 ✧ 𝐆𝐲𝐮𝐭𝐚𝐫𝐨 𝐱 𝐑𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫

ꔫ Content Gyutaro x female!reader, canon-ish, fluff ꔫ Note Happy New Year! This is a continuation of the Christmas fic I did. I'll link it below in case you didn't get the chance to read it. ଘ( ˊωˋ )ଓ

:･ﾟ✧ Part one

Ever since your secret admirer gave you that beautiful bracelet Christmas night, you've been communicating with him in secret. Leaving notes outside your doorstep every time you went to bed, and when you'd wake up you'd always find a crinkled-up piece of paper with sloppy handwriting in return.

Gyutaro knows he shouldn't be communicating with you. He knows better than that. But when he read the note that you left for him he just couldn't help it. No one has ever been so sweet to him before, even through writing. The way you went on complimenting him, telling him he's so sweet and kind and how blessed you feel to have someone like him around. It almost felt like a love letter, making Gyutaro's cheeks burn the whole time he read it.

He tries to keep his responses brief but he figured it wouldn't hurt to tell you his name, right? Now you know the name of your suiter. Gyutaro~

You like saying it to yourself. Sometimes calling out to him when you feel like you're being watched. Causing him to sink deep into the shadows, trying to calm down as he gets all flustered.

He's in too deep and he knows it. But is it bad that he doesn't really care?

In your last letter, you asked him to join you for New Year's Eve as you didn't have any plans and would like to spend the evening with him. After a double shift, you finally get home after sundown to read his response.

"Listen, you can't see me. How many times do I have to tell you before you understand? Even though I wish we could... we will never meet. Just accept it Y/N.

You don't need to be hanging around a guy like me anyway. It's for the best.

I hope you have a happy new year,

Love, Gyutaro"

The intent of his words was to push you away for your own safety. That much is clear to you so you don't take it too personally. But, does he take you for some kind of idiot?

"Ha, what are you so afraid of, Gyutaro?" you yell up into the air, knowing that he's around, "Are you afraid that I would reject you because you're a demon?"

As soon as that statement leaves your lips you hear a loud thud behind you. And before you can turn around a large hand is clasped against your mouth and pulling you back against a muscular chest.

"Quiet! How the hell did you know?" he whispers in an inhuman voice, confirming your suspicions. It's raspy and harsh, just like his handwriting.

"Mm mm mm!!" You hum behind his hand, unable to speak.

"Oh... sorry," he mumbles and takes his hand off your mouth. Though he still keeps you held tightly against his body so you can't see his appearance.

"You only write me at night! And no normal person would be able to stalk me like you do. You managed to uproot a whole Christmas tree and sneak it into my home without anyone noticing. Not to mention you said that we should never meet, so I just put the clues together," you can't help but snicker as you hear him huff in frustration.

"You're smarter than I thought you'd be..." he mumbles. Though he can't be surprised. He fell for you for many reasons, and your intelligence was one of them. He just didn't think you'd outsmart him so easily. Or maybe it's because he was careless and let his guard down.

"Gyutaro, I don't care that you're a demon-"

"I'm not just any demon! I'm..." he takes a deep breath to calm down, "I'm ugly. And before you say you like me anyway, I'm uglier than ugly. Worse than anything a mere human could ever imagine."

You don't know what to say. Simply just telling him you don't care about his appearance isn't enough, you know it won't satisfy him. He's been alive for who knows how many years, so he's probably heard it all.

You want to see his face, more than anything. But if it's something he isn't comfortable with then you won't force it on him.

"Fine. Blindfold me then."

"What?" he gasps, "You serious?"

"Yes, I'm completely serious. I want to spend the New Year with you so I'll do it blindfolded if that makes you feel more comfortable," you reach down to lay your hand atop his, conveying your sincerity.

"B-But you won't be able to see the fireworks if-"

"I don't care," you cut him off, "I want to be with you, that's all I care about."

A distorted laugh rumbles out of him, "You got a deal, human."

You're honestly surprised that he agreed. But you know he's serious when he wraps some type of fabric around your eyes. You don't know what it is, maybe some type of scarf or ribbon. But he tightly ties it around your head, then lifts you up into his arms.

"Where are we going?" you ask.

"To watch the fireworks. Er- I guess I'll watch them, you'll just listen to them," he chuckles, finding the situation you've put yourself in quite amusing.

You hear the sound of people walking around and talking within a crowd, but you feel the wind blowing through your hair as Gyutaro moves quickly. Surely he isn't running through the crowd of people? No, they don't sound close enough. He must be above them, carrying you onto the rooftops where the two of you won't be spotted.

You get confirmation when he gently sets you down, as you can feel the slates of the roof beneath you.

"A-Are we on top of a building?" you stutter, feeling slightly afraid especially since you can't see anything.

"Heh, wow you really are smart. I come up here every year to watch the fireworks," he smiles, looking up into the sky as it's filled with colorful lights, "Just relax. I won't let you fall off."

He hesitantly reaches over to take your hand, finding himself more confident without the threat of being seen. This actually feels really nice. For once, Gyutaro feels like he can be normal. Not defined by his unsightly face or grotesque body.

"You know what we usually do at midnight, right?" you whisper, looking up to where you think his face is.

"Uh... what?"

"Kiss," you blush and squeeze his hand.

"O-Oh! I see..." he mutters, gulping audibly.

Gyutaro looks down at one of the city clocks. The time is ticking fast and before he knows it it's already almost midnight.

"Shit, do I have to kiss her? Or maybe I wait for her to kiss me... but she can't see. So how is she supposed to know when it's midnight? Maybe I can just pretend it's not midnight yet..." he thinks to himself.

He wants to kiss you, he really does. Deep down at least. Though he knows he shouldn't. He should see you as nothing more than a meal, but you couldn't be further from that. You mean so much more to him than you know, especially now that he's sitting beside you with his hand intertwined with yours.

He wants to be with you. Wants to receive love for the first time in his life. He knows he isn't cut out for it but would it be so bad if he gave in? Just for tonight?

When the clock strikes midnight Gyutaro's body moves on its own. Chasing the one thing he's craved for his entire life, even though he doesn't deserve it. All of the terrible things he's done, all of the people he's hurt, killed, eaten.

But he just wants to be happy.

Your body jolts in surprise as you feel a pair of strong hands grab your face and pull you forward until your lips collide with Gyutaro's.

It took you by surprise, but you quickly relaxed into the kiss. Savoring the moment you've sought after ever since you found out about him.

Your touch feels so good. So addicting.

He knows there's no going back after this. There's no way in hell he'll be able to go on without having more of you. More of your affection, your attention, and the sweet words that come out of your mouth. He needs it all.

So he takes a leap of faith. Removing your blindfold, knowing that once this kiss ends you'll open your eyes and see his hideous face.

He holds you closer, squeezing his eyes tight and colliding his lips harder with yours. Doing whatever he can to lengthen the kiss and prolong you opening your eyes.

Maybe this was a mistake after all.

But you can't help but giggle into the kiss as he desperately tries to kiss you longer.

He's prolonged it as long as he can, and he finally opens his eyes.

Only to see that yours are already open. And... you're still kissing him.

[wintfleur]

Rutger asks Stella to go to the hockey formal with him even though they are together, but no one knows yet. She goes and all the hockey guys are confused because she said she couldn’t come but now she’s there

౨ৎ we’re just really good friends!

── ୨୧ 𝓹airing : Estella Hughes (oc) x Rutger McGroarty

˖ ་ details ( g; fluff, humor?, suggestive ; lots of kissing. wc; 5,858 )

˖ ་ 💭 roro’s notes ( I can’t believe this is the longest fic I’ve written for this au omggg, this honestly has taken me way to long to finish so i apologize to the sweet anon who sent this to me!! I hope you guys enjoy it mwah 💗 )

au masterlist �� you can find asks under #💌stellahughes!

°. — asks about stella and rut are under #⋆ ˚｡⋆୨🩷୧˚ stella & rut!

“At this rate you should just write the paper for me” Mark groaned as he dramatically dropped his face in the book he has been reading for the past hour, his hat comically falling off his head when the brim hits against the dark brown wood table. Stella looks up from her sketchbook and pauses the sketching she had for homework, rolling her eyes at her friend's dramatics before responding teasingly “How much are you gonna pay me?” 

“Wait really? ⸺ what's your price?” Mark rushed out his question after he quickly snapped his head up to look at the smiling girl. Stella was surprised she didn’t hear the sound of his neck snapping from his quick movement. Mark rolled his eyes and turned his head to give the guy who shushed him a few tables away a fake smile before looking back at Stella, his eyes begging her to write the paper for him. 

“I was joking, now keep reading and be quiet before you get us kicked out . . . again” Stella trailed off to a whisper as she looked back on the memory of her freshman year. Alongside her best friends Lily and Carmen where holding a study group, her brother Luke and their friends Mark, Dylan and Adam decided to join them. It ended with one grumpy librarian and a non-stop giggling mark and Dylan. 

“We both know that it was duker’s fault not mine” Mark grumpily muttered as he loudly flipped to another page. Stella giggled and softly bit the cap of her pen before pulling out a pad of sticky notes from her book bag and writing down a few words on the light pink paper. She swiftly pulled the sticky note off the top and smacked it on one of the pages of his notebook. Stella gives mark a smile once he looked up from the book “Make sure to incorporate those words, it'll make you look smarter” 

“Awe well look, aren't you two just the cutest little nerds ever” Someone cooed from behind them, both Stella and Mark turning their heads to see who it was even though they already knew from the voice. Walking towards the circle table they were sitting at, was a grinning Ethan. Luca and Rutger trailing behind him. Mark laughed sarcastically before muttering under his breath “Dick” 

Stella giggled and greeted the three boys with a smile and a small hello, her eyes lingering on one longer than the others. The couple locked eyes and Rutgers' smile turned into a grin at the sight of his girlfriend, she looked so adorable with one of her knees pulled up to her chest in the chair, clad in gray sweatpants, a few sizes too big brown sweater and her ugg slippers. Her hair in her braid pigtails, tied off with her signature ribbon bows. 

It had been a few days since the couple had seen each other, both of them being busy with practices and Stella with extra studying. Ethan takes the seat on Mark's other side that Stella wasn't sitting on and before rutger could claim the empty seat next to his girlfriend, luca was already plopping down in the seat. Luca playfully tugged on one of Stella's pigtails before reaching for the Tupperware of cut up strawberries and cherries Stella brought for her and mark. 

“Yeah sure, feel free to help yourself” Stella smiled sarcastically as she watched him open the Tupperware and shove a few berries in his mouth. Rutger took the seat between ethan and luca, now almost sitting directly in front of stella. Rutger reluctantly tore his eyes away from Stella who was laughing with Luca, not wanting to be caught staring at her like a lovesick fool he knew he was. Rutger turned his attention to Ethan when he started talking. “So, what are we all doing on Friday? Maybe we could all go see a movie?” 

“I can't, I have my suit fitting for the formal” Mark sighs as he closes his books and shoves them into his backpack, knowing that himself and Stella won't get any more studying done with the presence of the three yappers. Ethan raises his eyebrows in shock and lets out a shocked laugh at his friend's confession “There’s no way you waited until the day before the formal to do that” 

“Speaking of the formal, are you going stella?” Luca asked the girl who started packing up her sketchbook, multiple books and pens into her book bag. Stella looked up from her bag and thought for a moment, last year she had gone with Luke as his plus one and had a great time. By the time Luke had taken her back to her dorm, her sides hurt from all the laughs she had, her feet hurt from all the dancing, and her stomach hurt from all the cake she had eaten with Adam and Ethan. 

She absentmindedly formed a small frown the more she thought about how much fun she had that night with her brother. But Luke wasn't here anymore, there was no point for her to go. Stella continued to pack her things, and shrugged her shoulders “No, why would I be going?” 

All the boy's frown at her strange tone, they all could see that she missed her brother. Rutgers frown was deeper, he really wanted her to go. He remembered seeing her at last year's formal, they were already friends, but he was still so nervous to go up and talk to her, especially with how pretty she looked in that green dress. Ethan raises his eyebrow in shock “You haven't been asked?” 

“And who's going to ask me hmm? You guys and my brother scared off the rest of the hockey team from even looking at me for too long” Stella questioned Ethan as she rested her elbow on the wood table and her chin on the palm of her hand. Besides I would have said no anyway, she wanted to add as she glanced at rutger who was already staring at her. 

“It’s not going to be the same without you there” Luca frowned as he looked at Stella, he had a lot of fun with her at the last formal and he was really looking forward to her coming again. Stella gave them a cheeky smile and shrugged her shoulders playfully “You’ll survive” 

“Listen ma, i'll give you all i got, get me off of this” The sound of stella’s favorite the weekend song ‘wicked games’ filled the silence of stella’s dorm, accompanied with the sound of lips moving lewdly against each other, and the shuffling of clothes and sheets.  Stella pulled away from his addicting lips and quickly attached her lips to his neck, sucking and kissing just enough to where it wouldn't leave marks that would come with questions. 

“Fuckk stell” he groaned in pleasure as he tilted his head back against the soft pillows, giving her even more room to litter kisses and love bites across his neck and collar bone. He tried to focus on the feeling of her lips on his hot skin and the feeling of her body against his, but all his mind could do was replay the conversation they had at the library yesterday. 

He didn't know why it was affecting him so much, the fact that she wasn't going to be going to the formal ⸺ Okay maybe he did know why it was affecting him so much. He had to go, and he didn't want to go alone . . . he wanted to go with his girlfriend. His Girlfriend that no one knows about. Maybe the fact that their secret was holding them back from enjoying a night out with their friends is what was bothering him so much. 

“Wait wait wait” rutger panted out as he gripped her hips tighter, gently pulling away from her lips. Stella pulls away with a small look of confusion, resting her palm on the pillow next to his head, her brown locks cascading around them.

A pout comes across her swollen lips from all the kissing, when she sees the frown on his lips, the look in his eyes letting her know he was thinking hard about something “Hmm, everything okay?” 

“Were you serious about not wanting to go to the formal?” Rutger quickly blurted out as he sat back up on his elbows as he looked up at her. Stella sat up and rested her hands on his chest, her chest rising and falling fast as she tried to catch her breath, her eyebrows furrowing in confusion at the sudden question “What?” 

“The formal, do you really not want to go?” Rutger repeated his question with a frown, his hands falling to rest on her bare thighs, his thumbs absentmindedly fidgeting with the seam of her sleep shorts as he waited for her answer. The formal is a big deal, and he just really wanted to go with her, not with anyone else, not alone, but with her. 

“It's, it's not that i don't want to go, i just don't have anyone to go with and i can't exactly just go by my ⸺” 

“Go with me . . . please” Rutger cut off Stella's rant, his voice trailing off into a desperate whisper. His eyes were pleading for her to say yes. Stella froze for a moment, her shoulders sagging and the rubbing her thumbs were doing on his chest stopped as she took in his question. 

“Rut” stella whispered with a sigh as she moved to get off his lap, instead moving to sit by his side on the bed. Her hands fall in her lap as she tries to find the words and gather her thoughts. Going to the formal together was a lot . . . especially since they were very much a secret. She didn't want to disappoint him and say no, but she also wasn't ready for people to find out about them. 

Rutger could see the look on her face, she was getting lost in her thoughts, her nose doing that cute scrunch when she started to get overwhelmed. Rutger quickly sat up and moved closer to her, one of his hands moving some of her hair out of her face, while the other softly cupped her jaw to make her look at him as he whispered softly “I know we're not ready for everyone to find out about us, but we can go as just friends, no one will suspect a thing” 

Stella looked into her boyfriend's eyes and leaned against his hand that was softly holding her cheek, as she thought on his words. It wasn't a secret to anyone that Stella and rutger became closer, everyone just thought of them as good friends, so going to a formal together wouldn't be so bad right? Like he said, no one would suspect a thing, just them being good friends! 

Stella bit her lip anxiously before nodding faintly “Just as friends?” 

“Just as friends,” he promised with a smile and a reassuring nod. He would make sure to come up with some fake excuse for them going together, rutger couldn't get a date and he didn't want Stella to spend the night alone while all her friends were out having a great time . . . which is the truth, in a way. 

“You will have to keep your hands to yourself” Stella tried her best to sound stern as she poked his chest softly with her finger. Rutger chuckles and dramatically falls back on his back from the ‘strong’ poke. Stella giggles and rolls her eyes at her boyfriend's dramatics and moves to lay on her side, resting her head on her hand as she propped herself up on her elbow. 

She watched as his eyes widened and a smile came across his pretty lips as he let her words sink in. Rutger turned to lay on his side, mirroring her position. Rutger rested his free hand on her waist and pulled her closer as he asked, “Does that mean you will go?”

“I would love to be your date to the formal rut” stella smiled sweetly, her heart fluttering in happiness when he breaks out into a big grin. A small squeal of surprises leaves her lips when rutger quickly but carefully pulls her down against him and locks her lips in a hard kiss. A moan leaves her lips from the fierce kiss, her hands tangling in his hair while he holds onto her waist, with the new position she was now straddling one of his thighs. 

The kiss lasted for a few more moments, rutgers hands traveling her side while she softly tugged on the hair at his nape, a small grunt leaving his lips and stella took that as a chance to slowly pull away, rutger leaning up to connect their lips again but stella pulls away causing him to pout. Stella looks down at him with a serious look, worried that he wouldn't be able to keep his hands to himself at the formal “I’m serious, you have to be on your best behavior” 

Rutger smiles cheekily and flexes his knee that she was straddling, a small gasp leaving her lips at the feeling, his hold on her hips tightening as he pushes her down against him, his eyes filled with mischief “When am I not?” 

“Are you sure I look okay?” Stella asked for the fifth time as she looked at herself in her long mirror, turning around and tilting her head to look at her back. She was biting her lip anxiously as she stared at herself, she was overthinking everything. Her hair, her dress, her makeup, in her eyes nothing looked right. 

“Babe, if rutger doesn't rip that dress off of you by the end of the night, I will” Lily flirted, looking up from the magazine she was reading to look at stella. The three best friends were in Stella's dorm, Lily and Carmen helping her get ready for the formal. Lily laid on her stomach on the bed while Carmen was looking through Stella's earrings to pick the perfect pair to match with the perfect dress she was wearing.

“You don't have to be so crude lils” Carmen scolds Lily with a small shake of her head as she looks down at the many different earrings Stella had laid out. She decided on a pretty pair of silver dangling earrings, she grabbed them and walked over to Stella, handing them to her with a smile so she could try them on. 

“Shhh Stella loves when i talk dirty, right?” Lily teases as she locks eyes with the said girl through the mirror, giving her a dramatic wink. Camren rolled her eyes but couldn't help but smile at Lily's words and the way Stella looked as she put in the earrings, she looked beautiful. 

“Oh yeah it makes me all gooey inside” stella was quick to tease right back with a smile. The girls could hear the underline of nervousness in her voice as she looked at herself in the mirror, they could see it in her eyes that her mind was running a mile a minute. 

Carmen sighs, she hated seeing Stella so nervous and anxious, especially for something she should be excited about. She moved to stand behind her and softly rests her hand on the side of her arms before she rested her chin on stella’s shoulder, locking eyes with the nervous girl through the mirror as she spoke in a reassuring and sweet tone “You look beautiful Estella” 

“Isn't she lily?” Carmen asked as she tilted her head to look back at the blonde on the bed, Carmen's eyes telling her to help her calm Stella down. Stella turned around and faced lily so she could get a better look at her, her hands were anxiously smoothing down her dress at her sides. 

Lily started kicking her feet back and forth in the air before she let out a wolf whistle, closing the magazine she was reading and bringing it up to dramatically fan at herself as she looked stella up and down, slowly licking her lips as she purrs “Meow” 

Stella giggles at her best friends flirting, mumbling out a shy “shut up”. Lily laughs and gets off the bed, walking up to Stella who looked at her with anxious eyes. Lily gave her a reassuring smile and placed her hands on Stella's shoulder to turn around to face the mirror. 

Lily rests her chin on Stella's shoulder and squeezes her shoulders softly with a reassuring smile, while Carmen rests her chin on Stella's other shoulder. Lily speaks in a gentle and reassuring tone as she locks eyes with stella through the mirror “Tonight is going to be amazing stella, you and rutger are gonna have a blast. you have nothing to worry about” 

Carmen hums in agreement and brings her hand up to fix a few strands of Stella's hair, smiling at her side profile. Lily smirks as she continues to speak “besides all the boys are too stupid to realize something is going on between you and rutger”

Carmen and Stella break out into a fit of giggles at Lily's words, she wasn't exactly wrong. Lily smiled triumphantly when she felt Stella's tense shoulders relax as she calmed down from her nerves. The three girls' heads turn towards the door at the sound of a rhythmic knock. Carmen giggles happily as she says sweetly “Your prince charming is here” 

Stella lets out a heavy breath and turns around to give her best friends a grateful smile “thank you for helping me get ready . . . and helping me calm down” she trailed off into a mumble with a sheepish smile. 

Carmen grabbed Stella's phone and her small purse while Lily pulled her towards the door with a smile “It's no problem sweets, now you have a great time okay, have lots of fun and dance until your feet fall off!” 

Carmen hands Stella her purse and gives her a reassuring smile before giving her a look of worry as if she was Stella's mother “But not too much fun, okay? Be safe and call us if you need anything” Lily playfully rolled her eyes at carmen's words mumbling under her breath ‘okay mom’ 

Stella surged forward and closed her eyes as she gave her best friends a quick hug, she pulled away and gave them a small wave before turning around and opening the door to her door. Her eyes widened slightly at the sight of her boyfriend dressed so handsomely in a blue suit, a bouquet of tulips in his hand. 

Rutger looked up from his feet as he heard the door open, his jaw falling in awe as he took in the sight of stella. The dress she was wearing fit her perfectly, was it purple, blue, violet? He didn't know. But what he did know is that it's going to take everything in him to keep his hands to himself tonight. He let out a heavy breath as he looked at her in awe “Wow you look so, so fucking beautiful” 

“And you look handsome as ever” Stella gave him a flirtatious smile as she stepped towards him, wrapping her arms around his shoulders and pulling him closer. The nerves she had felt were slowly disappearing the longer she was in her boyfriend's presence. Rutger smiled and wrapped his arms around her waist, carefully holding the flowers behind her back as he leaned down for a soft kiss. 

“How am I going to be able to keep my hands to myself tonight?” stella whispered once she pulled away from the kiss, a lovesick smile on both of their lips. Rutger was grateful that she couldn't feel his fast heartbeat through his suit. Rutger chuckled and placed a few kisses on her cheek before whispering seductively in her ear “I was just thinking the same thing” 

Stella giggled and softly pushed him away from her when she felt one of his hands slide down her back, getting awfully close to her ass. She gave him a warning look before taking the flowers he held out for her as he laughed. She brought the pretty tulips up to her nose, smelling them with a smile. She looked back at rut who was looking at her so fondly, she whispered “You’re perfect rut” 

“Nah, that role is already taken by you” Rutger flirted making stella giggle and playfully roll her eyes, she pulled away from him and handed her flowers to a smiling carman who had a smirking lily behind her. “Please keep lily’s plant killing paws off of these” 

“I will, have fun you two” Carmen gave them both a sweet smile as she took the flowers while lily playfully rolled her eyes and made her way back to Stella's bed. The couple said one more goodbye before they made their way out of the dorms and towards Rutgers truck. Holding hands the whole drive, knowing that they would have to pretend to be just friends once they leave the truck. 

 

“Is that stella? . . . with rutger?” Dylan asked his younger brother in slight confusion and shock, not expecting to see them here, together. Dylan had reached out to her the other day to see if she was coming and she had told him no. Dylan looked to his brother tyler who was much closer to stella then he was, tyler just shrugs and takes a sip of his drink before answering “i mean they have gotten closer, they probably just came as friends” 

Dylan nods and lets out a small hum, not thinking anymore of it. But he was definitely not the only one who was confused about the pair. Ethan and Mark who were standing next to the drink table, their eyes widened in slight shock as they noticed them walk in together. While Luca who was standing next to them was trying to hide his smirk by taking a sip of his drink. 

“Ready to dance the night away pal?” Rutger leaned down to whisper in her ear, a teasing smile gracing his lips when he said ‘pal’. Stella rolled her eyes playfully and gently hit him in his side with her elbow as they walked further into the large room. “you're forgetting the part where we eat a ton of cake too buddy” 

“Oh, how dare i?”  rut chuckled dramatically as he placed a hand over his heart after he winced dramatically when she nudged him in the ribs. Rutger had to stop himself from leaning down to kiss her when she looked at him with that sweet smile of hers. Rutger cleared his throat and blinked a few times, leading her towards the dance floor as he spoke “Come on we should get started before we get questioned to death” 

“So do I need to be worried – give him my big brother speech?” Mark questioned the youngest Hughes as they refilled their glasses. Stella giggled and placed the ladle back in the punch bowl, turning her body to the side to face mark as he got another soda “He invited me as friends mark, no big brother speech is needed” 

Ethan looked at her with slight suspicion in his eyes, not believing her words. He’s had suspicions that somethings been going on between the two of them for a long time, it was obvious to Ethan that rutger had a crush on her. Ethan glanced behind him and towards one of the tables he saw rutger last and Ethan had to hide his smirk in his cup when he caught rutger staring at stella. 

“Damn i'm a little disappointed, i was thinking of a really good speech too, intimidating and everything” mark pouted dramatically as he led the other too over to their table, pulling stella’s chair out for her before sitting down. Stella set her glass on the table as she sat down, pushing her hair back off her shoulders and giving mark a small smirk “please, you're as intimidating as a fly” 

“Your deflecting” Ethan narrowed his eyes at her, sitting down next to mark. Stella looked away from mark and to ethan, holding her glass tighter as she gave him a teasing smile “And you both have been drinking too much of that spiked punch” 

“Seriously, me and rut came here just as friends” stella gave them both a smile. She technically wasn't lying; they only came as friends – well they came pretending to be just friends. She tried to justify her lie internally but nothing could make her feel better for lying. 

“Anyways, what about you mark? No lily?” stella was quick to change the topic, giving Mark a small smile. Ethan stifled his laugh by taking a sip of his drink, already knowing what happened from when mark ranted to him. Mark frowned and answered with a sad sigh “She threatened to kill me if i asked, apparently tonight is survivor sooo” 

Stella is stunned for a moment at Mark's response, biting her lip to hold in the giggle she wanted to let out as she thought of lily. Stella didn't even know where to begin on her thoughts of Mark and lily. Stella cleared her throat and gave a pouting mark a smile “she uh, she really loves survivor” 

“Yeah, it's a good show…” Ethan nodded, also trying to hold in his laughter, but as soon as he looked up from his glass and made eye contact with Stella, they both broke out into a fit of giggles. Mark rolls his eyes and crosses his arms over his chest as he looks between them with an offended look “why are you brushing over the fact that she's said she'd kill me?” 

“I'm pretty sure that's her dirty talk” Stella said between her giggles, Mark rolled his eyes and nudged Ethan hard in the ribs when he started to laugh louder at his expense. Rutger, who just finished talking to a few friends of his coach, walked up to the table, only hearing the last bit of their conversation. Rutger stood behind Stella's chair, resting his hands on the chair, his fingers brushing against her skin and leaving goosebumps “Dirty talk? what are you freaks talking about?” 

“You don't wanna know b-” Stella had to bite her lip before she accidentally called him baby at the end. Thankfully ethan and mark didn't notice her almost slip up, but rutger did. Rutger smiled and secretly dipped his finger under the strap of her dress, caressing the skin. Stella blushed at the feeling of his touch and tilted her head to the side when she felt him bend down a little, rutger smiled, his eyes raking over her face before asking “wanna dance?” 

“I thought you would never ask” stella teased as she placed her hand in his that he held out to help her stand up from the chair. She squeezed his hand as she got up, following after him. Mark grabbed her glass and brought it close to him when she left. 

“Am I drunk or are they in love?” Mark asked as he tilted his head, watching as rutger rested his hand on Stella's lower back and led her towards the packed dance floor. Ethan bounced his leg, his eyes not leaving the two, watching as Rutger spinned her around before pulling her close. Ethan answered mark with a knowing tone “you're definitely something” 

“I'm really happy that you asked me to come, I've had a great time,” Stella said softly as she closed her eyes. The couple were somewhere on the dancefloor, swaying slowly to the slow song that was playing. Rutger had his hands on her hips while she had her arms around his shoulders, resting her head on his shoulder. 

“Me too pretty girl” he whispered in her ear with a smile, softly caressing her hips. They weren't exactly out of view from their friends, but just enough that they couldn't see the small touches. Stella smiled and she absentmindedly played with the hair at his nape as they slowly swayed to the song, she could feel his heartbeat through his suit, and she swore to herself that she's never felt that much peace and comfort before. 

Stella opened her eyes and tilted her to look up at rutger, a smile immediately forming on their lips as they locked eyes. Stella dipped her fingers under the collar of his suit, batting her eyelashes as she whispered, “want to help me find the bathroom?” 

Rutger smirked and shook his head softly, seeing right through her innocent question and smile. Rutger looked around them quickly before gripping her hips harder and pulling her closer, giving stella his own fake innocent smile “i know the perfect way” 

“I'll follow you” Stella flirted, holding back the urge to hold his hand as he led them away from the dance floor and out of the function room. But once they were alone, Rutger was quick to lock their fingers and pull her into his side, missing the feeling of her against him. Stella giggled at how eagerly Rutger pulled her into the storage closet. 

“rut if we get caught” stella trailed off in a whisper as she looked up at her boyfriend, her tone had worry in it but her eyes were filled with mischief. Rutger softly pressed her against the door, his knee between her thighs. “don't worry pretty” rutger whispered back before he turned his head to look around the small dimly lit storage room as he continued with a smile “I don't think they are gonna need Christmas decorations any time soon” 

Stella giggled at his sassiness and softly cupped his jaw to make him look back at her, attaching their lips in a feverish kiss before he could say anything else. A small grunt of surprise leaves his lips, but it was swallowed up as the kiss got more heated. Stella’s head was gently pressed against the door, his hands traveling up and down her sides while her hands got lost under his blazer. 

The kiss they shared was filled with passion and their touches were eager, as if they had been starved of each other for weeks but it truly has only been a couple hours. Keeping their hands to themselves was a lot harder than they thought it would be, the two of them almost slipping up in front of their friends many times throughout the night. 

Rutger tilted his head, leaving a trail of wet kisses down her jaw and neck and once he found that sweet spot on her neck, soft whimpers and gasps left Stella's parted lips. Rutger hummed in appreciation at the pretty sounds leaving his girl's lips. He moved his right hand up to slowly pull down the thin strap of her dress, kissing down her shoulder. Stella giggled at the ticklish feeling of her boyfriend's soft lips and touch. He smiled and whispered against her skin “feel good?” 

“You know it does” stella pouted as he continued to tease her with his soft kisses, only making her needier for more. The dimly lit storage room was starting to feel stuffy, and every second that passed made her want them to sneak away to her dorm room. She was pulled away from her thoughts at the feeling of her boyfriend softly nipping at her neck, making her his in surprise “Rut!” 

Rutger chuckled and before he could say some sassy remark Stella's phone that was in his blazer pocket started buzzing - someone was calling her. They both wanted to ignore it, but Stella knew she couldn't, what if it was important? Rutger sighed when he felt her slip her hands into his blazer to pull her phone out of his inner pocket. Her eyes widening slightly when she saw that it was Luke who was calling her, rutger dramatically wincing when he saw as well, making her roll her eyes and playfully slap his chest before she answered. 

“Hello?” stella answered as she held her phone up, putting it on speaker and turning down the volume so Rutger could hear. They can hear the sound of someone moving around before they hear Luke’s voice “uh heyyy sis, what are you up too?” 

Stella looks away from her phone and to Rutger, both of them giving each other a ‘really’ look. They could tell just by his tone that he was up to something, that he didn't just call her to ask what she's doing. Stella rolled her eyes as she finally realized the point of him calling. “Who told you?” 

They heard luke let out a sigh of being caught and they could picture him roll his eyes before he answered quickly “that's not important, what's important is that you –” 

“Luke, rutger invited me because he knew how much fun i had at the one last year and he didn't want me to be alone” stella was quick to cut off her older brother, knowing that he was about to go on a rant, and it was just better overall if she just spit it out. Well spit out the half-truth that is. A bitter taste was in her mouth for lying to her brother, a small frown on her lips. Rutger noticed her disdain and placed a soft kiss on her forehead, squeezing her hips reassuringly. 

“Okay…hmm that's oddly very sweet of him” luke muttered and Rutger playfully rolled his eyes in offense at his close friend's words. Luke let out another heavy sigh before saying “well i guess I'll let you get back to it, uh have fun– but not too much” 

“Okay i will, love you” stella hummed with a smile and luke was quick to reply before hanging up “Love ya too” 

“Hmm there is a rat amongst us” rutger hummed as he slipped her phone back into his pocket, there were a few moments of silence between them. “It was Dylan” they said in unison, before breaking out into a fit of quiet giggles, they were both on the same wavelength. Stella sighed before she leaned forward to place a quick and soft kiss to rut’s lips, but as she started to pull away rutger gently held her face in his hand and pulled her back. 

The gentle hold he had on her face was completely different from the passionate way his lips moved against hers. It was as if he was sucking the breath out of her, purposely distracting her mind from the lie she had to tell her brother. their lips and tongues moved in tandem, their hands exploring each other's bodies. 

stella moaned as rutger bit her lip as she slowly pulled away from the kiss, he chuckled at the dazed look on her face and whispered breathlessly with a mischievous look in his eyes “Come on, let's get out of here before people start suspecting things” 

˖ ་ 💭 roro’s notes ( AHHH I LOVE THEM !! when I tell you this has been in my drafts since like the beginning of the au 🫢 I am embarrassed to admit that, but I genuinely feel so good about finally finishing this — please tell me what you guys thought — feedback is what makes me want to continue to write !! )

°. — ( feel free to send any requests of things you would like to see in this series, or if you just want to share some thoughts! I would absolutely love that! Please comment if you would like to be added to the tag list! )

°. — taglist ( @cixrosie @toasttt11 @bunbunbl0gs @petite-potato4 @winterbarnesblog @lesrflms @iceflwers @dancerbailey3

[youhideastar]

Fangs of Fortune: A Primer

I keep hoping someone funnier or better with images than me will write a primer for this show, but I haven’t seen it yet, so it’s looking like I’m going to have to be the propaganda I want to see in the world.

Fangs of Fortune is a 34.5-episode drama that takes place in Ancient Fantasy China, split between the human world and the Wilderness (home of the yao/demons). You can watch it on iQiyi or YouTube. There will be some spoilers below, mostly for early episodes; photos here are from official production stills/promos. As far as I can tell, Fangs of Fortune is a (successful) attempt to get a m/m romantic pairing past the censors by giving the dudes a(n also-queer) female love interest as well, which is neat. The show cares way more about the characters than about the plot, so I’m going to follow suit, starting with…

Zhao Yuanzhou, a.k.a. Zhu Yan

30,000-year-old suicidal Great Demon with suave DILF energy, sky-high self-confidence, and rock-bottom self-worth. 8 years before the show opens, he was possessed by malicious energy and killed a ton of people, including the only living relatives (father and brother) of this guy:

Zhuo Yichen

24-year-old swordsman and demon hunter (head of the Demon Hunting Bureau, in fact), who wears the most beautiful costumes of all time, has sworn to avenge his family, and happens to be in possession of the only weapon that can kill the aforementioned Great Demon Zhao Yuanzhou—if only he knew how to use it.

On the dynamic between Zhao Yuanzhou and Zhuo Yichen, which is the driving force of this show, I can’t do better than this post and this post – please go read them, you will not regret it. In the meantime, please enjoy some homoerotic violent hand-holding.

Zhao Yuanzhou shows up at the Demon Hunting Bureau very sexily and offers to teach Zhuo Yichen to use said weapon, if Zhuo Yichen will (a) swear to kill him with it once they’re done, and (b) in the meantime, let Zhao Yuanzhou join the demon hunting crew. Specifically, he demands to be paired up with this lady:

Wen Xiao

Scholar, demon hunter, Zhuo Yichen’s sort-of foster sister, and technically the Baize Goddess, guardian of the Wilderness… but when her predecessor as Baize Goddess died, she couldn’t complete the transfer of her powers to Wen Xiao, leaving Wen Xiao unable to do the job, and sickly to boot. Wen Xiao compensates by being smarter, more socially adept, and more mentally healthy than everyone else in this cast… although I will grant that’s a low bar to clear.

While recruiting a crew to go after a pesky water demon, Wen Xiao runs into…

Pei Sijing

Stoic archer who recently retired from demon-hunting after she had to kill her own brother; target of Wen Xiao’s very persistent affections.

Here they are being cute together:

Congratulations, you have now met the polycule! There are also two comic-relief teenagers (with obligatory difficult backstories) and two villains, one of whom is boring and will be ignored, and one of whom is Zhao Yuanzhou’s human-hating mall goth demon ex-boyfriend Li Lun, as seen below:

There is not really an overarching plot: in general, the plot is driven by the desire to get Wen Xiao fully powered-up as the Baize Goddess so that she can fix stuff that has gone wrong in the Wilderness, but after a certain point, most plot arcs are driven by problems caused in the previous plot arc. The writers are way more invested in putting the characters in Situations that will crunch them up against each other in interesting ways than in having a coherent plot or worldbuilding. Fortunately, they are very good at writing these characters reacting to each other in Situations, so it works out.

Why should you watch this show? First, it is delightfully gay and there is great fic for it, which you will get more out of if you’re familiar with canon (but don’t let that stop you from diving in now…). Second, the writers are really good at building compelling relationships between characters, romantic and otherwise, and in particular, they have a gift for writing two-character dialogue scenes and cute banter. Third, damn, this is maybe the most visually beautiful show I’ve ever seen in my life. The costumes, in particular, are unbelievable.

Are there downsides? Yeah, candidly, you are going to spend a chunk of the first third of the show sitting through long flashbacks that I call The Ponderous Tragic Backstories of the Het Guest Stars when all you want to do is get back to the main characters. Don’t worry, the whole show is not like this. It happens four times (three toward the beginning and once toward the end). And at least even the Ponderous Tragic Backstories of the Het Guest Stars are still very pretty to look at.

Anyway – check it out! Ask me if you have questions! Correct me if I goofed on anything! See you in Queer Poly Ancient Fantasy China!

(Edited to correct the number of episodes, thank you, @kandadze!)

[jacqulinetan]

On writing fanfiction

Exactly one person hinted that this might be helpful and I thought, well, okay, why not? tonight I have the time. I've been collecting thoughts for awhile and posting fic for more than a decade (writing longer than that!) so why not create a little manifesto of sorts.

A [not at all comprehensive] guide to writing and sharing fic - for beginners - from someone who is serious about writing fanfic as a hobby but casual about everything else:

On logistics:

Where should one write? I use google docs. Recently there's been some discussion about not using gdocs because of AI concerns, and I think if you are sharing nsfw files with other users there is a nebulous risk of losing access to the file... so I've heard. Tbh I cannot speak to the actual risk of either of these things. But I like gdocs because it's free and I can access the same doc from my phone as my desktop which is good for on-the-go thoughts. Other programs that people like are scrivener (costs money - but everybody who uses it says its worth it) and libre office (I tried this and didn't like it, but only because I'm used to gdocs). There are other programs out there, but these are the ones I feel I hear about the most. For me personally, I also have a notebook. If I'm inspired and want to get some scene or dialogue out quickly, writing analog is fastest for me and I find my thoughts flow well like that too.

Where should one post? Archive of our own dot org. There are other fic sites (wattpad) but none of them have the legendary tagging system that ao3 has - more on this later. On ao3 you will need to create an account (if you need an invitation, I'm not sure if you do, but if you do I will personally give one to you, just dm me). But you can post fic under your user handle or anonymously. When you browse the site, you will see that everything is separated by fandom, then by pairing (though non pairing/romance or 'gen fic' is fine too), then by characters involved, then other tags. I imagine it's overwhelming if you are not there a lot, but when you post, the form guides you for what to fill out (e.g. you will fill out the fields before you drop in your fic). You can always edit later if you want to change things around, but ao3 does not have an algorithm, so people will find your fic based on 1) the time it was originally posted or more likely 2) the tags that give an idea of what the story is about. I could write for ten thousand years about the merits of ao3, but like most things, you have to just get in there and try it out.

Other people who are smarter than me and know more than me can write and have written huge, in depth explanations for how to use features, and work skins, and the beautiful bells and whistles of ao3, but here is the down and dirty kind of explaining for sorting and filtering. I'm not going for nuance, I'm going for broad stroke understanding, and the nuance can come later. On ao3 fic 'metrics' we have hits (clicks), kudos (basically a 'like'), and bookmarks -- as a reader you can sort by any of these, which basically means you can move more popular fics to the top based on your preferences. And as a writer, it means you are hungry for people to kudos or bookmark your fic so that it potentially gets more eyes on it. Well, that's kinda putting the cart before the horse so to speak, if you're just getting started, but it is nice for your work to get feedback.

Tagging beyond pairing and character is important because it's how people will differentiate your fic from the others. This is things like 'canon compliant' or 'post canon' or 'coffee shop au' or 'enemies to lovers' or 'anal sex' or 'Bottom Shiro' or literally anything. Literally anything. These can be big tags ("wrangled tags") that everybody uses commonly enough that they are their own kind of category ('dom/sub') or random silly things you want to advertise with (e.g. 'blatant disregard for hoverbike safety'). You can add as many tags as you like. There are no rules to writing fanfic but tagging content warnings appropriately is important to readers, and you will find YOUR people most expediently if you tag honestly and robustly. Again, I could write 150k just about the intricacies of using ao3 as a reader AND writer, but 1) there are other folks who have done it better already/know more than me and 2) you really just gotta get in there and play around to understand it.

I am always happy to talk about fic and so if any questions about logistics arise, I will happily try to help. ao3 also has help pages and support. One random but important note is that the crux of ao3 is that it is an ARCHIVE only (so there is minimal moderation of content, to an extent ) and not for profit, so you must never ever mention money exchanged for fic there. if a work is a commission or something of that nature, that is fine, just mention it on socials or elsewhere, do not put put that in the summary or author's notes, etc as it will cause your work to be removed for legal reasons.

On writing:

The best advice for writing is the easiest to give and the most useless to receive: you really do just have to write. Write, write, write. That is the only way you will find what works for you, the only way you will get better, the only way you will tell your story. Since my goal is not to be patronizing, I will not say that. I will try to give some random and interesting tips that really get to the heart of what I feel you need to know (in my world of healthcare we call this type of information 'clinical pearls' LOL)

Getting started -

It's likely that there is a specific scene you want to write and that's why you're considering starting a piece in the first place. That's grand. All you need is that little bit of inspo!! when you're crafting a story around that point, try to drop the reader in at a time that is interesting/exciting/unexpected. if you're just starting out and all you have is the inspo scene, write that. then you can decide if that gives a full enough picture on it's own (fics don't have to be hugely long, esp in the beginning of your writing journey) or what else you want to add to be satisfied.

For me, I usually have an idea in a google doc and some bits of dialogue or random stuff that goes along with the idea as I got random inspiration. then when I want to start on a new work, I try to conjure up one scene that will get me rolling -- from there I can just keep writing what comes next. As a less experienced fanfic writer I wrote more outlines and was more methodical. when I'm writing now I don't really know how things end (except for in a very vague sense) until I'm actually writing the ending. this makes writing a lot of fun for me. when I write fic, I am my own audience and I am writing for my own entertainment.

Establish a setting -

I feel like a lot of less experienced writers fail to place these characters in a setting. If I open a fic and it's just mostly dialogue (chat fic, I'm looking at you, darling) I'm thinking ?? okay ?? are they floating in space??? what is happening?? I don't like chat fic. Give people an anchor at the very least and try to remember that the reader doesn't have your Mind's Eye and they will likely not know what you are imagining unless you explicitly state it. this might seem obvious, but writers who are good at setting are remarkably good at writing, I think. also, I do not like to open with dialogue but that's personal preference.

Magical paperclip moment -

Along the same lines as grounding the characters in setting, I like to add in what I call in my mind 'magical paperclip moments.' This is something I made up (I'm insane, btw) after being really impressed with a writer's work (I think in the hetalia fandom, I wish I knew the exact fic because it quite literally changed my life). anyways, the characters are having a conversation in the fic, and the author randomly added in a line about one of the guys playing with a paperclip while they talked. It did not move the plot forward, it was not important to the guy's character, it was just a random idiosyncrasy that made the story feel real. magical stuff. I love that.

Decide on vibes-

This is a big one for me!!! at the beginning of my working google doc I usually have some random notes, a running list of tags, etc, but I also have a category for ~vibes~ In other words, I am thinking hard about what kind of overall feeling I want the piece to have, and I am thinking about what kind of feeling I want to invoke in the reader. should this story be dreamy? Gritty? Fast paced? Emotional? And then it really helps direct the scenes because I'm trying to stay within that framework of vibes for the reader. So I try not to write just the story alone, but also the tone of the work. Also having a theme in mind, or a motif that runs throughout, can really make a work powerful

The POV has a voice-

This depends on the style of the writer, but for my work, it's HUGE. If I'm writing from the POV of one character and it is identical to the POV of another character, I am not doing a good job. through the way things are described, the tone, whether the writing is more formal vs casual, all of this can help establish the voice of the fic. the fics that I've written that are the most stand out, or the most entertaining, or the most popular - all of them have a very distinct character voice to them that matches the story and the tone of the fic, and helps characterize the pov. it's not for everyone, but to me this is the single most important thing to elevate a story into something special

Writer's block-

Getting stuck is inevitable. When you're stuck, you have two options: grind it out or let it simmer. Grinding through the block is not for the faint of heart - by this I mean literally chain yourself to the laptop and poke out word after painful word until the words start to flow. This could take hours and hours and barely result in a paragraph.... that you might scrap later. But, sometimes it can be enough to break through the block. If you let it simmer, that's more gentle - take a shower, go to the grocery store, go on a walk, etc. If that's not enough, read, watch tv, consume some other kind of media that fills your cup. Let your brain work out the block in your background processes. return to the fic when you really want to and then you will be ready.

Two things I always think of when I don't know what comes next in a story: What would I as a reader be so insanely stoked to see happen next??? and What would be unexpected or exciting here?

On community:

You can't really talk about the transformative work of writing fanfiction without mentioning the fandom as community. I have a lot of precious thoughts about this, but I will keep things brief here. Fic is shared in a dialogue with other fans - it is not sold, it is not beholden to canon, it is not for the satisfaction of the original work. People are writing purely because they want to and that is an amazing and powerful thing !!!!!

Comments -

Well we all want comments because we love to hear about how people love our take on our precious blorbos. But you have to leave comments on other folks work too. truly, as a writer, you have to. I think this is a good way to start finding your people: read fic that excites you -> leave a comment there -> see who else left comments -> read their fics -> look at their bookmarks -> read more fics -> leave more comments -> you will start to 'know' the people who like the same thing as you. you will start to have readers! you will find writers that inspire you! you will get better at writing! you will be in fandom!

One important thing to note for new to fanfic folks is that construct criticism of any kind is not welcome on fanfiction. it's not needed because the author is SHARING fic with you - I am by no means the first person to say this, but think of it like going to their house and eating their home cooked meal... if it's not to your taste, peace out. just leave. no need to let them know. this is doubly true if you don't like the content of a fic. simply leave...it's not for you, so find something that is. or make your own thing. As a writer, if someone is not following this basic fandom decorum, and they hurt your feelings with a nasty comment, you need to remember that they are the one in the wrong - they are being rude and you are justified to feel irritated or hurt. if you've tagged your own work appropriately, then you haven't done anything wrong by writing your fic.

Social media-

Two things about writing and social media (fandom circles of socials). 1. be insane about one particular thing, that will be your brand and bring you people and be fun. you don't have to do this, you could just be insane about a lot of things, but I think having one niche interest that really gets you going is good. that's my opinion! 2. never publicly discredit your work. don't say "LOL I suck at summaries" in the summary of the fic. don't put yourself down even if you have doubts about your writing....you can improve without doing that!!!

Sharing your fics in a post on twitter or bluesky is a good way to get more people to click on them, esp if you are a new writer. sometimes you will see people make pretty little title cards - they are making these on canva dot com and it is easy and free to use. I love doing this and it took me awhile to figure out how my favorite writers were making such pretty title cards for their fics. so now you know!

On concluding:

I can't imagine the resiliency of the readers who made it to this point!!!!!!!!! WOW !! Obviously I will post this with the caveat that I am just one little girlie and there are a lot of fic writing folks out there, some of them much more well spoken and more knowledgeable and better writers than me, and maybe if they posted a similar essay, it would have completely different content. that is okay and I am not sad about it. in other words, I do not pretend to be an authority on any of this, I am just a person who loves writing fanfiction and this is what I would tell a complete beginner <3 thank you for reading <3

[cam3lliaw]

Catching the eye of a prince

-crownprince!gojo x maid!reader

Who would’ve thought getting caught reading a book during work hours one random day would not only make you good friends with the right hand of the crown prince, but also end up making the said crown prince be interested in getting to know you.

contents/ warnings: might be ooc, insecurities( some implied), mentions of stealing, a bit of angst at times to eventual fluff, friends to lovers trope, the main characters are all in their early 20s, tba

word count: 0.7 k words

series masterlist

notes: I've read a lot of jjk royalty au recently and I was inspired to write one as well :) this is the prologue and I don't really know how long this will turn out to be but i hope you enjoy it !! (fic under the cut)

“Need any help with that?” a gruff voice could be heard from behind.

You didn’t need to turn around to know that the voice belonged to none other than Geto Suguru, the crown prince’s right hand, his one and only best friend, and last but not least, your occasional thorn in the side.

“You really like that joke a lot, don’t you, Lord Geto.” you said, still not turning to face him as you continued to hang the sheets on the clothesline.

“And you really like to call me that, even though I tell you all the time that Suguru is just fine. And besides, I wasn’t, and never will be, joking when I ask you that question, [name].” he chuckled.

“You know that my answer will always be no, Suguru. There are some lines that even I won’t cross, and to be honest, it’s absurd to even consider I’ll let you help me.”

“And why is that?” he asked, even though he fully knows the answer already.

“Well for starters, I’m not that stupid not to be aware of the difference in our status, friends or not, it still matters to me. And secondly-” you turn to face him as a smile stretches on your face “You don’t see me coming to your office and telling you how you should do your work.”

“I wouldn’t oppose to that, you know.” Suguru smiled back.

“Like I’m smart enough to even step into a place like that.” you huffed jokingly.

At that he grimaced slightly.

“Come on, [name]. We both know you are way smarter than a lot of the people that work in this palace.”

“Reading a few books here and there only get you so far, Suguru. You, out of everyone, should know that well.”

It never gets easier, admitting that you wish for more. In another universe, you would read all day, study literature properly with someone who actually knows what they’re doing, not only from damaged pages of stolen books from the royal library, books that are about to be disposed not only because the years have left them in a horrible shape but sometimes also because the concepts explained are so old that they aren’t even right anymore.

“You know I could always bring and lend you newer ones right? I told you that on multiple occasions already and I mean it every time.” Suguru said as he approached you and stood by your side.

You also know Suguru would never make fun of you, he really wants to help. But it’s hard enough to get and hide the books in the maids’ chambers before you finish reading them and returning them to the library's unofficial “trash” section. Imagine what trouble you would get in if you get caught with fancy new books. It hurts only to think about it.

“I know…I’ll let you know in case I need anything. I promise.”

Saying this is clearly better than admitting the truth. As much as you don’t want unnecessary problems for yourself, dragging Suguru into all of this mess is even worse.

“This doesn’t look very…straight.” Suguru changed the subject to lighten the mood, as he tried to lightly stretch one of the sheets.

“We both know that’s a bold-faced lie! Don’t mess the laundry! If it ends up falling down and I’ll have to wash it again, I won't talk to you anymore, Suguru.”

“We also know that’s not true.” he chuckled as he gently bumped his side into yours.

You returned the action.

And he did it once again but a bit more forceful.

And the cycle repeated itself for a few more times until you literally shoved him, but before he could fall on the grass, he grabbed your hands and dragged you down as well, falling down a step away from the dark haired man.

“You’re acting like a child!” you exclaimed as you started laughing.

“Says the one who shoved me!” he started to laugh too.

“You started it!”

“Oh that’s such a mature argument, [name]. Impressive, really.” the male continued to laugh as he got up and helped you up as well.

Unknown to the both of you, this whole exchange was watched from afar by none other than the crown prince, who was initially looking for his best friend, but it seems like he found something else instead.

end notes: i hope you liked it! :)

[a-memory-a-distant-echo]

ok! so i know that you're not to try to motivate yourself with punishment, however: i cannot argue with the results. also, @failonade asked, and who am i to deny the people in my phone the right to make fun of me?

most of this is under a cut because i cannot imagine it will be interesting to most people, but two or three of you will think it's hilarious.

why am i using a silly wip game to organise my stuff? well. because i am, generally, not much of a writer. when i'm working on things—like, for work, etc—they always end up with a standardised name, and i take notes as needed in either a notebook or a text file entitled 'work', as the vibes suit. this is not especially descriptive, but ctl-f for keywords gets me where i need to be, and it's fine!

unfortunately. this meant that when, for the first time in nearly a decade, i considered writing something, i thought to myself, 'it's fine! just stick it in a file called fic!'

it's worth taking a moment here to tell you that one of the things i enjoy about notepad++ is that it autosaves your tabs. they're not saved saved, but when you open the program again, they're in the same state. unless something went catastrophically wrong at some point. but usually they're in the same state! i mention this only because i have a bad habit, especially with work-related things, of simply closing notepad++ and telling myself that it will preserve things for me, something that works well 99% of the time and completely loses all the information that i'd made note of the remaining 1% of the time.

and so, for a minute, i did fic notes more or less the same way i take notes for work-related things: just an unsaved text file with no real headers or organisation, and nothing to mark the transitions between projects, because i can obviously tell that by keyword.

you may, at this point, have spotted the error that i did not: if one is writing several fics about the same show, there are not, in fact, easy keywords in the text that will tell you which bits were intended with which fic.

so i again, cleverly, thought, well, the solution to this is to use more text files, obviously. simply make one for every project.

an interesting thing about living in the future is the way that everything's so connected. people move seamlessly between locations and devices and you never even notice it happening, because everything is so connected. is my friend on the train while we're talking? on her sofa? at work? quite possibly all three, and on my end, this is entirely unnoticeable.

however, i am, it turns out, also a people! but do you know what is not connected? that's right. text files, especially if you are the sort of person who simply does not believe in saving text files, and believes in your heart that if the contents disappear, it's a sign that you should just let it go.

at this point, some people might stop and think, 'are all these text files really necessary? maybe there's a better way!'

that's quitter talk, tho. what i thought was 'yeah, i mean, i'll just add bits in my notes app or in my private discord server and then paste them into the text files later!'

which is a thing you can do. but at some point you find out that discord only likes to scroll back so far, and also that your notes app has a character limit, after which it tells you to get the fuck into the docs.

which you do, because what other choice is there?

a skilled observer, someone who's good at math and counting, may at this point notice that there are now four locations involved in this process. a skilled observer, or simply someone who is smarter than i am, which is a very low bar, might think, wow, that's kind of a lot of locations you've got there, buddy! sure would be a shame if things got all nonsensically jumbled together!

i, on the other hand. i found out about ellipsus, and i thought, oh, i'm just going to try this, i'll just throw a couple things in there and see how it goes. and so i did.

here is what i did not do: stop writing in the text files. or in the notes app. or in discord. i also did not transfer everything from the text files to ellipsus, or anywhere else. i also did not transfer everything from gdocs to…anywhere.

unfortunately, at some point in the past week, i've realised that at this point, i have a truly horrifying number of versions of some files. they're not labelled or even saved, in many instances. i keep finding things that i thought i'd fully deleted, or things that i have three versions of, and they're all within a couple hundred words of each other, but the most recent scenes have nothing at all in common.

which is to say that currently, my notepad++ tab bar looks like this.

if there's a .txt in the name, it means that it was, at some point, saved. when? well. that's not my business. i am now down to twenty-two open files. some of them have literally tens of thousands of words; some of them have work-style notes about medical appointments and bills and random phone numbers; some of them have notes about fics my friends are writing; some of them have as many as two or three sentences with absolutely no further context.

one of them contains, in total, the words 'not actually dead'. that's it, that's the file. 'not actually dead'. the period is outside the quotes because it is not in the fucking file. what did i mean by that. why did i feel that it needed its own file. what the fuck does this mean. we may never know! there's certainly not gonna be any insight from this corner!

another uninteresting fact about me is that i am, in many regards, sort of a minimalist. there are three open tabs on my phone. i have never accessed ao3 except in an incognito window. my search history is empty. i feel like having a dozen tabs open is a lot of tabs. (not you, text files, you're perfect.)

however, right now, i have seven tabs open (normal! fine!), and then…i have. this.

i am sitting here, three in the morning, waiting for a storm to (please please please) roll through, picking at a fic that i'm writing and also sieving through all these goddamned files (yes, the ones in notes and gdocs, too) and consolidating.

questions you may have, at this point, because they're certainly questions that i have:

is this productive? i don't know.

will this fix me? almost certainly not.

is this a good use of my time? i honestly could not tell you; never before have i been in this position, and i don't quite know what to do with it.

will this make it slightly less likely that i have to spend between three minutes and three hours skimming files and looking for the one thing that i want to work on? possibly. hopefully. perhaps. god i hope so.

[fivestaralien]

sweet relief

sangyeon x chubby fem!reader

word count^^: 9,624

warnings””+: cursing?, basketball!sangyeon, hyunjae being a matchmaker but also a menace, fluff, also a lil suggestive at times, sangyeon being an absolute FLIRT but also the sweetest man fucking ever goodbye

a.n.// sangyeon brainrot, i went so overboard and im not sorry about it. also sorry if it ends kind of abruptly...i did write this with a chubby reader in mind bc i too am chubby and wanted to have more the boyz stories including that:) this is now my longest fic to date yikes!!!! currently still working on the request it just isnt coming together in my brain,,pls be patient:( hope yall enjoy this one sorry if it seems all over the place. stay safe everyone!!

 Over the years you had learned to accept that no one would ever love you. You’ve had your fair share of crushes/short term relationships, but nothing that would actually turn into something like love. 

 That is until you met Lee Sangyeon. 

-

  “Okay listen, all I am saying is that you are wrong, and I am right.” Hyunjae tells you as he looks at both of your papers. You rolled your eyes and snatched the papers out of his hands to look them over again. As your eyes roam up and down the papers, you hear Hyunjae call someone over. 

 “You dumbass! I am right!” You say aloud. “Let him check it out. He’s like a super nerd.” “Watch it Jae.” A deep voice speaks from beside you. You look up and see probably one of the most adorable, handsome men you have ever seen in your life. 

 He looks down at you with a smile, which you return hesitantly. “Here, we have been fighting on who is right about this study sheet for nearly an hour.” You hand the two papers over to the guy and he looks it over for maybe three seconds before looking at the both of you. 

 “First I would like to ask who thought who was right?” Hyunjae pointed at himself and you pointed at yourself. “Right, I should have predicted that.” He then grabs a chair from another table and sits between you. “I’m Sangyeon by the way.” “Yn.” You both nod to each other before he talks again. 

 “Yn was right.” His husky voice says. You jump up from your chair and flip Hyunjae off. “Told you bitch!” He also flips you off and rolls his eyes, snatching the papers from Sangyeons hands. He checks it over and looks at Sangyeon weirdly. “Wait, I am defi- ow!” Hyunjae grabbed at his leg. “She’s right and you are just bitter.” He says in a stern tone that you were too excited to notice the little interaction.

 “Okay guys, I have to go to my class. Lovely being smarter than you Hyunjae. Don’t get too down about it.” He says nothing but waves you off and puts his stuff in his backpack. ‘It was nice meeting you Sangyeon.” You smile. “Nice to meet you too Yn.” You then sling your bag over your shoulder and walk out of the library.

 When the doors fully close behind you, Hyunjae hits Sangyeons shoulder. “Why would you tell her she is right? She isn’t.” Sangyeon rolls his eyes. “We had to.” Hyunjae looks over Sangyeon. “Who is this we you speak of? You were the one to lie to her.” Then he gasps. “Oh I know what's going on.” Hyunjae says teasingly. 

 Sangyeon then gets up from his seat and picks up his bag. “Don’t.” Hyunjae stands up with him. “Don’t follow me Jae.” He walks faster but Hyunjae keeps up with him easily.

 “So how long have you liked her?” 

 “I’m not doing this right now, I have a lab to get to.” 

 “You know she is gonna be upset when she doesn't get 100% on that test right.” Sangyeon side eyes Hyunjae and he just puts his hands up.

 The day of the test is here and you felt more than prepared for it. You walk into class with your head high and pride very strong. Walking out of the class though, you had never felt more stupid.

 Hyunjae just so happened to be walking out of the building across from you and frowns at the sight of your sadness. 

 “yn!” He calls out to you and you just look at him then turn, walking away from him. Hyunjae calls out to you again and this makes you walk a little slower for him to catch up to you. 

 “Why the sad face?” 

 “You know damn well why I'm upset and Sangyeon better never show his face again.” You sneer.

 “Why can’t I show my face?” Sangyeon asks from next to you. When the hell did he get here? “You told me I was right and it’s the only section of questions I got wrong. You lied to me.” You say and then start walking away from the two men. Sangyeon lets out a sigh and tries catching up to you but Hyunjae stops him. 

 “Just let her go. Once she lets out her anger she’ll talk to us again. She’s pretty weird about getting anything below 95% but she'll come around.” Sangyeon nods but still doesn’t look away from your figure getting into your car. 

 The next few days only you had classes so luckily you didn’t have to try and actively avoid Hyunjae and Sangyeon. Hyunjae had texted you a few times asking how you were and you would just reply with one word answers. 

 You won’t hate them forever but you can definitely hate them right now. 

 Classes went by smoothly and you were able to do a quick extra credit to boost up your grade on the test. You begin to realize that your reaction to the boys were a bit dramatic and start to feel upset with yourself that you were giving them the cold shoulder. Especially Sangyeon as maybe he just thought the same way as you for the problem and didn’t realize that you were both wrong.

 Hyunjae had texted you about a Halloween party tonight, being that it’s friday night and halloween, you reply telling him that he can pick you up. 

 You put on a simple black slip dress, tights, black boots and get out an old witch hat you had from previous halloween costumes. You genuinely couldn’t be bothered trying to be something that put in a lot of effort. A witch was simple and could never go out of style for this holiday.

 About an hour goes by and you get a text from Hyunjae and you gather your essentials in a small bag and then make your way out of the complex building and into Hyunjaes car.

 You nearly jump out of your own skin when you see Sangyeon in the back seat. “You didn’t tell me he was coming.” You say after catching your breath. 

 “Well honestly I kinda forgot to.” You roll your eyes and face forward while crossing your arms over your chest. “Look y/n we are sorry about the test and not just telling you the truth.” Sangyeon speaks after a few beats of awkward silence. “Again with this ‘we’.” Hyunjae says under his breath. 

 “Okay, I’m sorry for lying. Hyunjae had nothing to do with it.” You look down at your purse in your lap, thinking of what to say. “I know it probably wasn’t the best first impression of me but, I can promise I will never lie to you again.” You can hear the sincerity in his voice. 

 A sigh passes your lips and you turn slightly so you can see both of the boys.

 ”I don’t care about the test.” You start. Sangyeon directs his complete attention towards you and it almost makes you blush. Almost. “I don’t like when people think I can’t handle the truth and lie to save my feelings. It makes me feel stupid and I hate feeling stupid. I’m not some girl that needs to be protected even if it’s something as small as getting something wrong on a study guide.” A weight can be felt lifting off your shoulders and you look between the boys to gauge any reaction.

 Hyunjae just nods and you see Sangyeon put his head down while clasping his hands together. “ I can say this with 100 percent certainty that we don’t think you are stupid and need protecting. Sangyeon just didn’t want to hurt your feelings since he doesn’t know you that well.” Hyunjae lies and he looks in the rearview mirror to see said man glaring at him. 

 “Just don’t do it again please.” You tell them. Both boys nod and before you know it you are getting out of the car and walking up to a giant house. 

 -

 The party was too loud and way too overcrowded for you to be here for this long. Even though Halloween is your favorite holiday you were more of a stay in and binge horror movies kind of person. Stuffing as much candy and treats into your mouth as possible. Now at the same time, you didn’t mind parties but ones like this, it was just too much for you. Hyunjae had gone to get the three of you drinks, which left you and Sangyeon awkwardly standing near a window  

 “Your costume is cute.” He says next to your ear. You couldn’t hear him too well but the comment makes your cheeks feel hot. “Thanks. You look good too.” He straightens out his suit jacket as he thanks you. He was a classic vampire with fake blood running down his chin, a little of it on the collar of his dress shirt. He looked really good. It made you feel a little hot.

 Before it could get too awkward again Hyunjae hands you both your drinks and gently grabs your elbow to lead you towards a group of who you presume are his other friends. Sangyeon quietly follows behind you, watching to make sure no one bumped into you or if you could trip on anything. You recognized a couple of the guys, Juyeon and Chanhee, but the others Hyunjae introduced as Kevin and Younghoon. You sit next to Hyunjae on the couch across from the others, and Sangyeon hesitates as the only open spot is right next to you. 

 Curiously you look up and he quickly looks away from you. Silently you pat the spot next to you when he looks again and he shyly smiles while sitting down but still tries to keep his distance from you. 

 The guys keep a lively conversation between each other for a while and you start getting bored to the point that you start drawing shapes on your palms. They start telling each other spooky stories which made you perk up a little. Kevin seemed to notice that as the next thing out of his mouth was him asking you if you had any ghost stories. 

 “Oh, I don’t really think it would be that believable or worth saying.” You admit. They all start protesting, telling you to just tell them already and you laugh at them.

  “Okay, okay. When I was about 6 I was getting some water from the kitchen and I felt a chill run up and down my spine. I didn’t really think anything of it, you know because I was a child, and then on my way back to my room I see this dark black cloud standing right in the doorway. I was so terrified I dropped my glass and it shattered, waking up my parents and when I told them what had happened they just waved it off as me having a big imagination.” You finish the story with a sigh and you drop your shoulders. 

 “Wow, have you had any other experiences like that? You know they always say kids and animals can see things adults can’t.” Chanhee leans in, elbows on his knees intrigued on what you were going to say next. “A couple, but I don’t really want to talk about it.” A few of them boo at you but to your surprise Sangyeon was quick to have them drop it and they move on. 

 Juyeon announces he's getting more drinks and everyone starts shouting what they want. When it gets to you, you tell him that you were fine with just water. Sangyeon gently taps your shoulder, making you face him. “Hyunjae gave me his keys since he plans to get wasted so just let me know when you want to go home. I’m not drinking.” His breath is hot against your ear and it makes you shudder.

 You nod and thank him before turning back to the group. Younghoon suggests a drinking game you've never heard of to which everyone agrees to. Hyunjae complains that you and Sangyeon wouldn’t be able to play but you both tell him you’d much rather watch anyways.

 As soon as Juyeon came back they immeadietly jump in to playing and it was the most entertaining thing you’ve witnessed. Kevin cursing at Hyunjae, saying that he was cheating. Chanhee constantly calls everyone out for changing the rules for their benefit. Juyeon,  just giggling at all the jokes later than everyone else. And Younghoon slurring his words and saying the most random out of pocket shit, in the result of losing most of the rounds and drinking the most out of everyone.

 Amongst all the chaos Sangyeon had been constantly asking how you were doing, refilling your water whenever it would get empty and even taking off his suit jacket to cover your legs after he saw you rubbing at them to warm them up. 

 It was beginning to make your brain go fuzzy. 

 Even though you hadn’t been drinking you were starting to feel tired. Watching the boys get progressively drunk and rowdy, the only thing you wanted to do was go home now. Sangyeon had left a little bit ago, saying he needed to use the restroom, so you decided to go find him and tell him you were ready to leave.

 “Be careful please! And come back when you find him and let me know when you are leaving.” Hyunjae tells you in his dad voice, To which you nod and make your way around the others that are now sitting on the floor in front of you. 

 You were practically shoving through people at this point just trying to find where the bathrooms were. You get pushed forward and the girl in front of you spills her drink all over your arm and dress. “Fuck, I am so sorry!” You shout over the music and she just waves you off, going back to dancing on a girl. Now you really would like to find the bathroom.

 You ask around and eventually find one upstairs but to your disappointment it was occupied. You wait a few minutes before the door swings open and to your surprise it was the one man you were looking for.

 “What happened? Your dress looks stained.” Sangyeons voice was going in one ear and out the other as you blatantly stared at him. He had unbuttoned a few buttons of his shirt showing his glistening chest and his sleeves were rolled up past the elbow, showing his toned and defined forearms. 

 You have to physically move your head to look somewhere else and you want to slap yourself for checking him out when he was standing right in front of you. 

 “A girl spilt her drink on me while I was looking for you. I’m ready to go home.” You state not really wanting to be here much longer. “Yeah, okay. Do you want to wash up first? I’ll watch the door for you.” He sounds so sincere it makes your heartbeat quicken. What the hell is wrong with you? You agree with him and watch as he leans himself against the doorframe, watching the people passing by making sure no one bothers you. 

 Quickly you wipe a wet rag down your arm, making sure it wasn’t sticky anymore and tried your best to get some of the drink out of the fabric. Once you were satisfied enough you check yourself in the mirror and see your cheeks are ridiculously flushed and you can’t help that it had something to do with the gorgeous man with his back facing you, guarding the door for you. 

 You weren’t really looking for a relationship. Seeing as you didn’t think anyone could actually want to stay with you long enough to explore anything further, you found no use in starting anything. Something about the way Sangyeon had been subtly taking care of you all night is beginning to mush your brain. You couldn’t even blame alcohol for your thoughts which makes your feelings even more real and you were terrified.

 You reach up and lightly tap his shoulder to get his attention. “I’m ready.” He nods and lets you walk in front of him but staying close enough that you could feel the heat radiating off of him. 

 When you get to the most crowded part of the house, Sangyeon motions for you to hold on to his arm so you don’t get lost. He feels your light touch and worries that it isn’t tight enough. “You can hold on a little tighter if you feel like you need to.” He says in your ear and you nod, squeezing his bicep.

 “Finally you guys are back!” Hyunjae leaps up off the couch pulling you into a hug. “Text me when you get home.” He lets you go and goes right back to whatever they were doing as you were gone. Sangyeon notices his jacket is neatly folded next to your purse on the seat of the couch and grabs both of them so you don’t forget. 

 You and Sangyeon say your goodbyes and then make your way to the car. He turns the heat on and once again draps his jacket over your legs.You couldn’t help the blush that makes its way onto your cheeks. You quickly turn your head so he couldn’t see and thank him. The ride is quiet, besides the music playing at a low volume but you don’t feel uncomfortable in any way which surprises you. 

 He asks for the directions of your apartment which you give and from then you start having a small conversation with him. Nothing too intense, just the regular small talk and getting to know each other. 

 Even though the drive to your place wasn’t crazy long you feel like you learned a lot about Lee Sangyeon and it was starting to get to you. You felt warmth in your chest and butterflies in your stomach with how easy it was to talk to him. Granted your first impression of him wasn’t the greatest you could tell that he was a decent, genuine guy. 

 You didn’t even notice that he had parked the car until he asked if you were okay. “Yeah, it’s just really warm and I’m stalling to walk out into the cold.” the lie easily slipping from your tongue. 

 “We can continue talking if you want. I don’t mind.” he watches as you look out the window, thinking about what you want to do.”I like talking to you.” He whispers. You could've gotten whiplash with how fast you turned your head. You admire his side profile as he looks down at his hands. 

 “I like talking to you too.” the words come out before you could really process it. Sangyeon locks eyes with you and for just a moment you think about the possibilities of getting closer to him. Then your insecurities come crashing down on you, breaking every thought of him actually liking you goes out the window. He’s just being nice because you are Hyunjaes friend and that's it. 

 You fold up his jacket and place it on his lap. “I should go. Thank you for driving me home.” You rush out, grabbing your purse and opening the door. 

 “Of course.” but you were already out of the car. 

 -

  It had been a few weeks since the party and you were drowning yourself in school work. All you could think about was that dumb, hot, attentive man and it seems like he was everywhere now. You thought that maybe if you only focused on school you could forget your feelings and pretend like you weren’t beginning to harbor feelings for said man.

 The few times you had met up with Hyunjae, Sangyeon was almost always with him. You couldn’t escape him. The conversations weren’t anything exciting but even just looking at him and his stupid handsome face made you feel over mushy and wanting to run away. 

 Today Hyunjae asked you if you wanted to go out with him, Sangyeon and his friends you met at the party. They had found a secluded basketball court a few minutes away from campus and made plans to have a fun little game with teams between the 6 of them. Little did you know that this was his way of getting you to subtly hang out with Sangyeon and maybe even getting you to play with him. Hyunjae had noticed the way you two danced around each other at the party and is now trying to help the two of you to get together.

 “I don’t know Jae. I don’t even think I have anything to wear to play.” You reply while simultaneously rummaging through your closet for something basketball worthy. 

 “You don’t have to play. I just wanted to get you out and have real people interactions.” “Okay, I’ll just throw on whatever then. When do you guys plan on going?” You ask him. You hear him talking to someone and then he says, “Sangyeon and I can come get you around 8. That's when most of the others are done with work.” 

 “That works. Just text me when you’re on your way over.” He hums in reply and then you hang up. 

 You busy yourself with cleaning your place and finishing up some papers for classes before finally getting ready. You found a random pair of sweat shorts and a big tshirt that you usually wear to bed and threw it on. You don’t really bother doing much to your appearance because you knew there was a chance you might be playing and getting all gross and sweaty.

 Hyunjae texts you that they were here and you waste no time making your way out, locking your door behind you.

 Once again you see Sangyeon sitting in the backseat, letting you sit upfront. “Hey guys. Thanks for inviting me.” You look towards Hyunjae and catch Sangyeons through the rearview mirror. They both smile and Hyunjae tells you it’s no problem. 

 “Have you ever played basketball before?” The question Sangyeon asks is directed towards you and you shake your head. 

 “Not really. Hyunjae has invited me a few times to watch. That’s actually how I met Juyeon and Chanhee.” You say. “They were pretty adamant that I join them but after a few rounds they benched me because of how horrible I was.” This made Hyunjae scoff. 

 You give him a curious look. “What? It’s true!” 

 “We benched you because you kept complaining about how much your back hurt. Don’t lie. You aren’t even that bad.” He narrows his eyes at you and you roll yours. “Same thing.” This gets a laugh from the backseat and you didn’t think you could hear such a beautiful sound. 

 The night air is pretty chilly and you regret not wearing a sweater or jacket. You watch as the other guys jog their way over to the three of you, clapping the guys on the back and then giving you side hugs. You decide for the first game you would actually try and play somewhat good. It definitely had nothing to do with a certain someone watching your every move and not wanting to embarrass yourself in front of him. 

 You were able to get in a few baskets but the guys were also going really easy on you, barely trying to get the ball from you. Sangyeon had to try and block you a few times and seeing him sweaty and feeling his heavy breathing on your face was a little distracting to you. His defined, toned arms in his sleeveless shirt didn’t help either.

  Everyone besides Hyunjae was watching out for you, taking every chance he could get to swipe the ball away from you. He even started complaining when Chanhee very obviously let you take the ball back and shoot a 2 pointer. 

 “Okay, yn you can’t play anymore. I want to play a real game now.” He shouts from across the court. You throw your hands up. “It’s not my fault they are purposely going easy on me.” You reply back, “I wanna take a break anyways. I’ll just watch.” 

 Younghoon and Kevin protest, saying they won’t go easy anymore but you already made up your mind. You grab a water bottle from a cooler the guys brought and begin chugging it while taking a seat on the bleachers next to all of your stuff. 

 Sangyeon watches as a few drops of water run down your sweaty neck and he's glad his cheeks were already a little flushed from running around. Hyunjae inviting you was not helping his giant crush on you at all. Seeing how playful you were with the guys and even him made his heart swell. His friends are super important to him and having you get along with them only made him like you more. 

 You aimlessly look around, quickly getting bored as they start dividing up into new teams. You couldn’t help it when your eyes lingered on Sangyeons figure, suddenly not becoming so bored anymore. He was so sharp with every move and his smirk every time he swished the ball into the basket made your heart flutter. He was dripping with sweat and you could’ve gone your entire life without knowing what his hands looked like wet. 

 God you really need to get it together. 

They play for about an hour before they decide to take a quick break. They start random conversations amongst themselves as you rub your arms trying to warm yourself up. 

 “Do you want to use my hoodie yn? You look like you’re freezing.” Juyeon gives you the option to grab it from his hands and without your permission your eyes dart over to Sangyeon, gauging his reaction. You see that he also had his hoodie in his now clenched hand. He quickly looks away, trying his best to subtly put it back on the bench without anyone noticing. You did though. So did Hyunjae, who was trying so hard to not laugh right now. 

 You thank Juyeon, taking it from him and slowly putting it on. It was pretty thin and didn’t do much to keep you warm but you appreciate it nonetheless. 

 Once they were rested enough, Younghoon suggested they play an easy game of horse. One Hyunjae would actually be okay with you joining as long as they don’t only do easy shots. They agree and with that you make your way over to them and Kevin tosses the ball to you, letting you have the first shot. 

 Wanting to make it easy on yourself you stand right in front of the hoop. Right as the ball slips out of your hands Hyunjae playfully pushes you but the ball still goes in. You turn around and shove him away from you, the two of you giggling.

  “Ha! I still made it. You're next, cheater.” You tease. Hyunjae grabs the ball from the ground and easily sinks it in. 

 The order that is established from the first round is you, Hyunjae, Chanhee, Juyeon, Sangyeon, Younghoon and then Kevin. 

 Surprisingly you pass the next few rounds with flying colors until Chanhee misses and Sangyeon decides to shoot from the half court line. The heat of his stare on you the second the ball goes in is so intoxicating it’s like he wants you to know that in a way, that shot was to impress you. He threads his fingers through his hair to get it out of his face and you have to actively look away to hide the fact that you were blushing furiously. 

 Younghoon and Kevin both miss, making them both get an H. You step up to the line and bounce the ball a few times but you hesitate. “There is no way I am making this. Can I just say I missed it and get an H?” You ask.

 Chanhee makes a disapproving noise. “No chance! Just try your best.” He says while motioning for you to take the shot. You stand there not really knowing how you were going to shoot. Without a second thought Sangyeon makes his way behind you. He places his hands on your hips, but not before asking, “Are you okay with me touching you?” 

 His proximity is making you spiral. What kind of fucking question even is that? It’s genuinely messing with your head the amount of hurdles you are making yourself go through to convince yourself not to like him. 

 “I don’t mind.” You whisper but you knew he heard you. You felt that same electricity you did back when he let you hold on to his arm back at the halloween party. Sangyeon places his big, rough hands right on top of yours and gently adjusts the placement of the ball in your hands. You couldn’t even describe how his body felt pressed against yours.  

 “Don’t think, just follow the motion.” His breath is hot on the back of your neck. You can’t even think, you only nod your head. He squats down a little and you follow his lead as he guides your body to shoot the ball. All of you follow the ball and watch with wide eyes as it goes on with no issue. You jump up and down yelling that you made it. 

 Without thinking you turn and jump to Sangyeon and wrap your arms around his neck, pulling him into a tight hug. He catches you with ease and he couldn’t help the smile that graces his face. You abruptly pull away, realizing what you just did and apologize. 

 “You’re okay. Good shot.” He winks and your breath hitches. Hyunjae strides over to the two of you and waves a hand in between you, bringing you out of whatever trance you were in. “Move out of the way and watch how to actually do it.” He rolls his shoulders and bounces the ball before setting up his shot. 

 Sangyeon moves the both of you to the side and you feel your heartbeat thumping so hard against your chest when you still feel his hand lingering on your elbow. Hyunjae barely makes it in. Everyone holds their breath as it rounds the rim and eventually falls through the net. 

 “No way you just made that!” Younghoon says behind the hand covering his mouth in shock. 

 Hyunjae brushes off fake dust from his shoulders and turns to you, sticking his tongue out. You laugh at his childish behavior and shove him away from you.  

 “I made it and didn’t even need help,” he teases. “No more helping her or you’re out.” He says to Sangyeon who looks around innocently then winks at you again once Hyunjae turns away. 

 Chanhee is the next and he shoots and makes it with no hesitation. He was definitely an underrated player and way better than he originally said he was. The game goes on and after about half an hour everyone has H.O.R, besides you and Younghoon who have H.O.R.S. 

 It was Juyeons turn now to pick where to shoot from and he did a fairly hard one. Everyone after him makes it no problem but when it gets to you, you have a strong feeling you weren’t going to make it. You were also debating on just ending it because of how exhausted you were getting. Looking around at everyone else you see how they too looked just as tired as you so you decide to purposefully miss the shot and go sit down.

 The game doesn’t last much longer and Juyeon ends up winning the game. Which didn’t surprise you at all because of how good he played. Sangyeon sits down next to you looking as hot and sweaty as ever. You take a clean towel from Hyunjaes bag, handing it over to him. He smiles at you and looks down, biting his bottom lip as he wipes the sweat from his neck and face. 

 “We should definitely do this again. It was really fun.” Kevin said out loud while everybody was getting ready to go home. You all agree and Juyeon suggests making it a regular hang out spot. “I think that could be fun!” You reply. You check your phone and see that it is nearly 11pm and all you could think about was showering and going right to sleep. 

 It was starting to get pretty windy and Juyeons hoodie was doing nothing to help keep you warm. Sangyeon sees you crossing your arms and trying to warm yourself up so he finally takes his hoodie to give to you. 

 “Here, wear mine instead. It’s thicker and has fleece on the inside so it’ll keep you warm.” He holds it out for you to take, which you do embarrassingly quickly. 

 You slip off Juyeons and place it over what you assumed was his bag. When you pull the hoodie over your upper body you are instantly surrounded by Sangyeons scent. He was right when he said it would keep you warm. It was a little oversized so you had to roll up the sleeves a little bit. 

 “Better?” His eyes are filled with admiration as he watches you fiddle with the ends of his hoodie. He would be more than fine if he only ever saw you wear his clothes for the rest of his life. 

 “Yes, thank you. I’ll give it back when you guys drop me off.” You tell him and he shakes his head.

“Don’t worry about that. You can give it back to me next time I see you.” Right as you were about to argue with him he places a hand on your shoulder, squeezing it. “Seriously, it's okay.” He smiles and it makes you smile too. Now you are getting too warm. Having him be so kind to you and also having to watch him play basketball was really messing with your head and you needed that shower asap. 

 “Come on you two, I am ready to go home.” Hyunjae pulls you out of thought and Sangyeon takes his hand off of you, standing up. 

The shower you take when you get home does little to help your thoughts and the hoodie laying across the back of your couch is an overwhelming reminder that you might be developing feelings. You just hoped that one, he liked you back and two, he didn’t lose interest in you and get bored like everyone else did.

-

 The weather was changing quickly from sunny most days to clouds and rain only. Not that you really minded it. Colder weather is always welcomed by you. Usually you and Hyunjae would meet up outside in a small eating area and hang out between classes, but because of his disdain for being cold you opted to meet with him in the library. 

 “So, what do you think about Sangyeon?” You look at Hyunjae with the most confused look. “Why the sudden question?” 

 He gives you a deadpan look, tilting his head to the side. 

 “Yn, I see the way you both have been acting around each other and that big doof is so obvious with his flirting it genuinely hurts me.” He admits and you try to distract yourself with the food you had in front of you. “I don’t know what you are talking about.” You say quietly.

 You feel him lightly kick your shin and you glare at him while rubbing the spot. 

 “Okay, maybe I do like him. It doesn't matter though because he’ll get bored soon enough and move on to someone else.” You sigh and you suddenly are hit with a balled up napkin. “Hey! Stopping hitting me with things.”

 “Will you stop with this ‘no one will ever love me’ bullshit! Look at who’s right in front of you.” Hyunjae shouts. You give him a weird look.

 “Is this your not so subtle way of saying you're in love with me Jae?” You tease and he throws his eraser at your chest. You rub at the now blushing spot and throw it right back at him.

  “Stop ignoring the topic and just listen to me.” Now he was the one rubbing at his chest in pain. “I can say with all my soul that Sangyeon will not move on from you. You’re literally all he ever wants to talk about when I hang out with him it’s so annoying. Also did you just choose to ignore your whole interaction when we played basketball last weekend? Even the guys were asking if you were dating.” 

 You look around the library trying to avoid this conversation all together. Yes, you had a crush on him and yes, you heavily notice Sangyeons flirting and intoxicating touches, but you just couldn’t get yourself to think any of it would last. 

 “I’m just scared Hyunjae. You know how my past relationships, if you could even call them that, go. They just want to get in my pants and freak out when I tell them that I want to get to know them first. Sometimes they just straight up ghost me after our first dates and pretend that I don’t exist when I see them around campus. I just can’t keep going through that.” You finish with a big sigh, refusing to look at your best friend. 

 Hyunjae gets up and pulls his chair around to sit right next to you. He throws his arms around you, crushing you in a tight hug. “I’m sorry you’ve been going through that. You don’t deserve that.” “It’s fine, I like hanging out with him but I won’t be getting my hopes up.” You squeeze his forearm to tell him thank you and he lets go. 

 You spend the rest of the free hour chatting about random topics and eventually part ways to your respective classes.

 -

 “I can’t believe I let you come over to hang out, just for you to be completely ignoring me for a book.” Hyunjae whines while pushing your leg with his foot. You wave your hand and continue reading while he continues to pester you. “I told you I had to finish this for my class. Stop sulking.” 

 “Fine. I’m telling Sangyeon to come keep me entertained.” Hyunjae says just to get a reaction and you fall for it far too easily. You slam the book shut and act like you haven’t been ignoring him for the past 20 minutes.  

 “No need to get crazy now. I’ll stop reading my book..” Hyunjae laughs and shakes his head at you. 

 “Sorry, already texted him and he said he would be here in less than 10 minutes.” He then runs away as you chase him to try and take away his phone. You would do anything to get that phone and text Sangyeon that there was a change of plans and he had no reason to come over. You don’t last more than a few seconds before you get tired and give up.

  “I hate you.”

 “You’ll look back on this moment and thank me for helping you two hang out.” He states and teases you by playfully shaking your shoulders as you pout. 

 Hyunjae turns on his switch and hands you a controller. As you wait for Sangyeon you start a game of mario party and it quickly turns into the two of you shouting at each other every time the location of the star was changed or if Hyunjae pushed you around during mini games.  A knock on the door makes you jump. Your hands begin to sweat and you try your best to act as normal as you could as Hyunjae lets Sangyeon walk into his apartment. 

 “Hey yn.” Sangyeon waves to you with a big grin. You couldn’t help but smile back. “Hi. We are in the middle of playing mario party. Wanna join?” You ask him. 

 “I’ll join after you guys finish your game.” You nod at him and Hyunjae asks if you guys wanted anything to drink. Sangyeon asked for a beer and you water. Once he handed out the drinks you got right back into the game. 

 It was funny how much playing this game made it easier to be around the man sitting right next to you. Every time you won a star he would cheer for you and when Hyunjae got the chance to steal one from you Sangyeon would try to mess with his controller to pick someone else to steal from. It made your heart flutter and you found yourself subtly moving closer to him. 

 Sangyeon had noticed it and crossed his arms across his chest, his elbow lightly grazing your arm. You pretend not to notice but made the mistake of glancing his way. He had the smallest smirk on his lips and your cheeks heated up. 

 “Can you play for me? I need to use the restroom.” You pass your controller to Sangyeon when he nods his head. 

 When Hyunjae heard the door shut he paused the game and fully turned to his target, who gave him a weird look. 

 “What?” 

 “I’m going to walk to the store and get food.” Hyunjae starts to get up and Sangyeon follows. Hyunjae is quick to push him back down on the couch. “Oh, not you. I’m going alone. Now I’m not saying you have to do this, but talk to yn and maybe…” He pauses hoping Sangyeon would understand what he was hinting at. 

 “You know I can’t do that. She clearly doesn’t want that right now and the last thing I want to do is make the one person I actually am interested in uncomfortable.” He looks down and starts messing with the loose strings of his ripped jeans. Hyunjae sighs and places his hands on each of his friends' shoulders. 

 “At least try to get her number. Make her realize that you truly do want to start something.” He’s pleading at this point. “I’ll think about it.” Sangyeon shrugs. 

 Meanwhile you were freaking out, splashing your face with cold water to keep the heat away. You hear them talking but it was too muffled to really understand. You hoped that they weren’t talking about you but that thought was wiped away because not everything was about you. 

 You have to shake out your hands before finally leaving the bathroom. As you sit back down on the couch you notice that someone was missing. A certain someone that you now were going to murder in his sleep. 

 “Where’d Jae go?” Your voice sounds more threatening than you anticipated and it made you cringe a little. Sangyeon looks over your face at the tone. “He went to get food at the store.” You nod. 

 “Want to continue playing or start a different game?” He asks to try and break the weird tension. “Um, can we play switch sports?” Your tone is a lot softer. You both decided to play bowling and you were very surprised at how much he sucked at it. Every time he threw a gutter ball you couldn’t help but laugh. He would play it off and look off in the distance like nothing happened. You on the other hand weren’t doing too bad. 

 “I swear I’m not usually this bad.” He tells you and you laugh. 

 “Sure. Whatever helps you sleep at night.” Now it was his turn to laugh. You could listen to his laugh all day if it was possible. You both go quiet for a few seconds before Sangyeon speaks up. 

 “Can I ask you something?” His voice wavers a little and you immediately start sweating. What could he possibly want to ask you? 

 “Sure.”

 ‘Would you want to hang out sometime? Like… without Hyunjae.”

 You feel the air go still. You hold your breath and stare at him with wide eyes. He gladly holds eye contact with you. Hoping that you can see just how serious he is about it. Now you really were going to murder Hyunjae in his sleep because you had a very strong feeling that he strategically planned his disappearance. 

 “Did he tell you to do this?” Your voice goes cold again. Sangyeon gulps and shakes his head.

 “Not really. If I’m being honest, I’ve been wanting to ask to hang out with you for a while but I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable. He kind of pushed me to just do it and seeing your reaction I shouldn’t have.” He brushes his hair back and you suddenly feel like complete shit.

 “I’m sorry I shouldn’t have been so quick to dismiss your feelings. I guess I am just scared that you are only doing this because you felt like you had to because of Hyunjae.” You let out a sigh and clasp your hands together. Sangyeon hesitantly places his hand on top of yours and when you do nothing to push them away he squeezes them. 

 “I really like you yn. The timing isn’t exactly the greatest but I will wait for you if you need time to think it out. I know it can be a lot.” He looks your way to try and see where your head is at and can’t help the smile that slowly appears when he sees you trying not to. 

 “I don’t need time to think. I really like you too and I think hanging out would be really fun.” You finally looked up at him and the two of you were smiling like fools.

  You go to grab your phone and pass it to him, exchanging numbers. He does the same with his. You sit with your back leaning against the arm of the couch, knees pulled up to your chest. Sangyeon sits right next to you and the two of you start talking about the most random things while you get back to bowling. You’d laugh at his stupid dad jokes and gently push his shoulder which in turn messed him up. Not that he was doing good anyways. 

 “Let’s not tell Hyunjae that we are seeing each other. I don’t need him gloating that he did anything.” You say after bowling another strike.

 Sangyeon raises his brows. “Oh, so we’re seeing each other?” 

 You quickly turn your head to him with wide eyes. “You know what I mean.” 

 Neither of you say anything else as the front door opens and Hyunjae places a few bags on the counter. You and Sangyeon quickly get up to help him put everything away. 

 “So, did you guys continue playing or do something else?” Hyunjae asks and he couldn’t be more obvious. You had to hold back rolling your eyes.

 “We started playing switch sports and yn kicked my ass in bowling.” Sangyeon looks towards you and winks. You have to look away to not smile. “That’s because you are really bad at it. I wasn’t even trying.” You joke. He laughs with you and Hyunjae just stares between you both. You start getting pots out to cook the ramen and Sangyeon is quick to tell you to leave and go relax on the couch.

 “Which ramen do you want? Spicy or cheesy?” You look between the two packs in his hands and point at the spicy one. He nods, then shoos you away and you have no problem not doing anything to help.

 Hyunjae can feel the growing affection, even more so now than before he left. He catches you staring at his friend way more than usual and every time you catch him staring he just raises his brows. You are quick to look away but they don’t stay away for long.

 Once the ramen and other snacks are all placed across the table, you all dig in. 

-

 The weather was nice today so you had no issue walking around for a little bit while you waited for Hyunjae to be done with his class. The three of you were going to see a movie later so Sangyeon had asked if you wanted to hang out before that. Obviously you couldn’t pass that up so you suggested the bookstore.

 “Come on! Please just help me. I can’t figure out which book to get.” You whine as you tug on Sangyeons shirt to get him to the mystery thriller section of your favorite bookshop. He groans in protest but doesn’t make it that hard to pull him. He wasn’t the biggest reader but you on the other hand could fly through them like no one's business. He loves seeing the way your eyes light up at every new thing you discover and he just wants to squish your cheeks and coo at how adorable you are.You stop in front of a specific area and grab the three books you were deciding between. 

 “Okay, so these are the books and I want your honest opinion on which one I should get.” You tell him and he carefully reads through each of the summaries on the backs of the books. Your eyes wander around his face, admiring the soft skin of his cheeks and his pillowy lips. You lean against the bookshelf, tilting your head a bit. A stray piece of his hair fell in his eyes and you were quick to gently move it back in place. 

 Sangyeon looks up a little shocked at the touch but recovers quickly. He wraps a hand around your wrist and slowly intertwines your fingers together. He steps a little closer to you and your breath hitches.

 “I think this one is a good choice.” He holds up one of the books and you use your other hand to take it from him. 

 “Perfect! This is the one I wanted the most.” You smile and hug the book to your chest. “Do you want to look for anything?” 

 “Oh, I’m okay. I really just came here for you.” His gaze is soft when he meets your eyes and it makes you melt. It takes everything in you not to just kiss him right in the middle of the walkway so you turn and lead him to the cashier. You pay for the book and take Sangyeons hand again as you walk out. 

 You lift up his arm, looking at the watch on his wrist to check the time. There's only a few minutes till you need to meet up with Hyunjae so you decide to go to a cafe closer to the campus to waste time. Sangyeon goes to order you both drinks as you find a table. You text Hyunjae where to meet up and then play games till  Sangyeon comes over with the drinks and takes the seat right next to you. 

 He wraps an arm across the back of your seat and takes a sip, looking out the window watching the people passing by. 

 “You look really pretty.” 

 You snap your eyes to him looking straight at you with a small smile. Your face is flushed as you look away from him. You softly elbow his ribs and tell him to shut up. 

 “It’s true. I can’t believe the most beautiful person in the universe is giving me a chance to get to know them.” He leans in a little closer. “Thank you.” 

 He presses a light kiss to your cheek and you feel like you are flying. Your heartbeat is going so erratic you were surprised no one else could hear it. You continue to stare up at him and Sangyeon acts like nothing out of the ordinary happened. Hyunjae comes into your peripherals and it makes you pull away from Sangyeon a little. 

 “Ready to go? I asked the guys if any of them wanted to go. Chanhee and Kevin said they’d meet us at the theater.” He tells you guys while texting on his phone. You nod and then get up to walk to Hyunjae’s car in one of the campus parking lots. 

 Sadly you weren’t able to sit next to Sangyeon but honestly it gave a good hour or so to calm down from the small exchange from earlier. The movie wasn’t that bad but you also weren’t really paying attention to make a full opinion on it.

 “Okay that was the worst movie I have ever seen.” Kevin says right as you walk out the front doors, “That ending was so trash. I predicted it from the start.”  You nod along with his words.

 Sangyeon walks up next to you nudging your arm. “What did you think?” 

 “I didn’t think it was that bad.” You shrug and Kevin furrows his brows. 

 “Were we watching the same movie?” The guys laugh and you throw up your hands. 

 “Do you guys want to come back to my place and have some drinks and play games?” Hyunjae asks the group and everyone agrees to go. You tell them you were really tired and just wanted to go home but that you were glad they could all hang out. Hyunjae was about to offer you a ride home but Sangyeon was quick to do it before him. 

  Sangyeon tells you that he needs to go get his car from the bookshop and to wait for him to come get you. Hyunjae looks at you expectantly as soon as Sangyeon is far enough to where he wouldn’t hear you. 

 “So what were you two doing before the movie? Did you guys finally hang out without me?” He wiggles his eyebrows at you. Your cheeks instantly heat up and you look away from the man's fleeting form.  

 “I wanted to go get a new book and he saw me walking over there. He just gave me a ride since we were going to be meeting up with you anyways. Not that crazy.” You say, but Hyunjae isn’t convinced. He squints his eyes at you and you almost give in. It was so hard keeping anything from him, especially when he was glaring at you like he was right now.

 “I don’t believe you but I won’t push you to say anything.” He throws an arm around you to give a side hug and you smile at him. “I’m guessing Sangyeon won’t be coming back to mine will he?” 

  This makes you shove him and he's laughing hard at your non verbal confession that you don’t plan on staying home alone.  Hyunjae basically shoves you in Sangyeons car once he stops his car and he waves aggressively as you drive away. Small talk filled the car here and there as you played with Sangyeons hand that was resting on your thigh. You press yours right up against his, measuring just how big they actually were. 

 “I have the heater on so high that I’m sweating. How are your hands still so cold?” He asks but you can tell he is teasing you. 

  “Good thing I have you now to keep my hands warm then I guess.” You shrug intertwining your fingers together. He lifts your joined hands and kisses the back of yours causing you to be a blushing mess. He pulls up to your place but you make no moves to get out of the car. You ask if he wants to come in and he doesn’t hesitate to say yes. When you walk through the front door you ask if he wanted anything to drink but hear no response. 

 You turn around and find Sangyeon still at your front door nervously messing with his hands. You have to stop yourself from laughing and walk over to him. 

 “What are you doing?” He looks up and huffs. “Sorry I just hope you know that I don’t expect anything from you and I want you to feel safe with me.” He lets himself breathe a bit and you take a moment to think. 

 Sangyeon waits and cautiously takes your hands in his, squeezing them gently. You squeeze back with no hesitation then release his hands. He frowns thinking you were pulling away from him but he gets surprised when you wrap both arms around the nape of his neck. You use this as a way to make him lean his head down closer to yours.

 “I don’t expect anything,” You hug him as close to you as possible. “You are the person I feel safest with and I couldn't be more thankful for how patient you’ve been with me. I know it can be hard to be with someone like me but you have yet to run away.” 

 “You couldn’t get rid of me even if you tried. I want every part of you no matter how long I have to wait.” Sangyeon cups your face. His thumbs caressing the tops of your cheeks.

 You looked between his eyes and lips, moving just a breath away from him. He waits for you to move away and when you don’t he crashes his lips to yours. Your entire body lights up and you can’t help the way you move your head to the side, deepening the kiss.

 He lets out a deep groan that goes straight to your core. Sangyeon walks you backwards until your back hits the wall and presses himself to your front. You pull away to catch your breath leaning your forehead against his. He begins leaving a trail of soft kisses along your jaw and neck. You giggle at the ticklish feeling.

 “You still haven’t answered my question.” You poke at him. He gives you a long, passionate kiss before answering. 

 “Water is fine.” But he makes no move to let you go, kissing you again which you have no issue letting him do.

///

[paddingtonfan69]

ok getting on a soapbox about fanfiction for a second, apologies!!!

~four years ago I got back into writing fanfic in a big way and it was a true joy! one of the reasons it was so great is bc of the ol ao3 comment section! ofc hearing all those nice things was swell for my ego, but beyond that, it was a tool for building community. literally next month I am going to a the wedding of a friend that I originally met the comment section of ao3, how cool is that!!!!

but in the last four years, the comment rate has dropped like hell and everyone knows it!! there are a myriad of reasons that ppl smarter than me have noted, like people treating ao3 like social media or a transaction or an algorithm or whatever. bad stuff!

i’d never really felt the comment drop off as much maybe bc I’ve mostly been in smaller (and more desperate lol) fandoms, but this weekend I dropped a little agatha along fic. (which you should all read hehe it’s fun!) but this, as we know, is a fandom that is very popular right now! and boy that’s a different experience. so let’s look at these stats:

okay brag that it got over 500 kudos in two days, wow slay! but, as you can see, there are also only 17 comments. only 3.4% of the people who liked it thought it was worth saying a nice little thing?? come on girlies we can do better than this!!!

obvi part of it is me wanting the little dopamine hit, but it’s more than that! this is coming from someone who’s fic is doing WELL, like imagine you’re newer to writing fic and you don’t get those wonderful notes of encouragement to keep going!! fandom can be such a welcoming place and ao3 comments are truly such an easy and kind way to open the door to that community! do better!!

i’m tagging the fandom hehe bc I looove to inspire some good old fashioned shame :)

anyway if you’ve read this, go comment on a bunch of fic bc it makes people’s days!! okay bye!!!

[bluechild5-blog]

Percabeth could have been perfect if they actually helped each other overcome there flaws

Before Percabeth fans come at me saying that I just hate Annabeth, I don't, its just that ricks romance righting skill is subpar

In canon their relationship is just Annabeth bullying Percy for being dumb, Percy not giving a shit about anyone except Annabeth and of course both being codependent on each other. (I am talking of Hoo and Toa Percy. pjo Percy would NEVER)

I truly believe they should have been platonic for the whole series. Look, Annabeth has her moments of being toxic in pjo. but hoo makes it way worse. I went from adoring Annabeth to hating her in hoo.

Anyways coming back to the original point, these two CAN actually balance each other out, but because rick was writing them with them being endgame growth defenestrated.

Annabeth's fatal flaw is hubris. she believes she can do anything. A common flaw in Greek myths which almost always ends badly for the person.

but in pjo we just never see the consequences of her actions???Its been a while since I've read the books so please tell me if I am wrong but i cant think of a single moment where Annabeth's hubris got her in serious danger. Maybe the sirens? but once again Percy saved her so no big deal. even when dealing with the sphinx probably the first scene which comes to mind when talking about her fatal flaw there was no lasting repercussions? like she pissed of the sphinx and everyone panicked but nobody even scolded her??? wtf??? Of course she fell in Tartarus because of hubris but its never addressed in canon soooo (someone please write fic where they get reminded that its due to their fatal flaws they ae in Tartarus, and having to work through that

Annabeth should have learnt to control her hubris through percy. in tlt Annabeth does something stupid and Percy warns her against some mortal thing but she doesn't listen to him because of 1.hubris and 2.posiedons kid. of course when she gets in trouble and Percy/Grover saves her she reluctantly admits that Percy has more street smarts. I think through sally also she could have grown. As she grew up in camp her toxicness wasn't called out by anyone due to Chiron's favoritism, but both the Jacksons refuse to take anyone's bullshit. Imagine Annabeth does something possessive/abusive and when Percy calls her out on it, she refuses to listen but the more they grow closer the more she realizes that he is right. She still calls him seaweed brain but he is the one of the only people she can ever consider smarter than her

One of Percy's biggest problems is his insecurities. instead of making fun of him like in canon, imagine Annabeth reassuring him that he is smart. Percy would think she is making fun of him but then Annabeth will be like you think i would be friends with somebody dumb?nuh uh. Percy's brain glitches Annabeth just goes if you don't believe in yourself believe in me because i believe in you. also imagine Percy is doing something he likes which he got bullied for in his old school, but he just goes: Annabeth once told me I do this thing great and know i feel confident doing this. just thoughts which show how being with Annabeth has impacted him in a positive way

Ah the potential that was percabeth. Annabeth If I think you are the best then you are best Chase and Percy i will humble your ass Jackson.

[redhoodiedemon]

Valentine's DoomsDay (The New Kid x Reader NSFW)

Divider by: @/sister-lucifer

Ship: The New Kid x Reader Word Count: 2,310 Summary: The malevolent entity you summoned wants to be your Valentine, too Rating/Warnings: 18+ (Violence, Sexual situations) Notes: I missed writing about my sadistic pookie <3

Divider by: @/fic-dumpster

Alone in the house, with a single candle burning in the darkness. You lay face down on your bed, looking at the floor, despondent. You don’t even notice the candle’s flame blowing in the wind that shouldn’t exist, until a familiar voice rings out in the silence.

“It’s a shame such a gorgeous creature would be all alone, on tonight of all nights.”

You turned behind you to see the very man you had been thinking about had apparated himself into your room. Well, “man” wasn’t exactly the word for him. He was some sort of demon… ghost… entity? You weren’t entirely sure, to be honest. He was in his same red hoodie, but the look on his face was one reserved only for you, you knew. The expression on those striking features were so much more gentle and soft for you than for anyone else.

“So, sweetheart, what are you doing sitting in your room alone on Valentine’s Day, huh?” he asked.

“Guess I just have a hard time making meaningful connections with people.”

He shrugged. “I used to be able to relate. Until I met you.” 

You blushed.

“But screw those other guys!” he continued. “Trust me, baby, I’m all you need! I can give you everything you want. All you need to do is swear your life and your soul to me, and I’ll make you happier than you’ve ever been.”

And then all of the sudden, your bedroom was melting around you, warping and changing into a different place entirely. You found yourself in front of a very classy restaurant, far more expensive-looking than any place you had ever been into in your entire life. You looked down and found the same thing had happened with your clothes. No longer were you in your sweatshirt and sweatpants, but instead in a beautiful red dress, extremely low-cut and backless and far sexier than anything you had ever dared to wear before, but the look in his eyes told you it was very flattering. He, too, had changed, from his hoodie and jeans to a deep red suit. The sight of him was enough to take your breath away. It felt like a dream when he held up a bouquet of red, red roses, offering them to you. You took them, and he wrapped his arm around you, placing his hand on the small of your back. His touch felt hot on your skin. You let him lead you inside.

The host of the restaurant seemed to be entranced as he led you to a secluded table in a dark corner, where a bottle of champagne was already waiting. Your date pulled out your chair for you, and pushed it in after you were seated. You talked with him so effortlessly, about your awful boss and miserable coworkers (“you’re smarter than every single one of those braindead wage slaves!”, he told you), about your doubts in your witchcraft (“you get more and more powerful every day, sweetheart…” were his words of reassurance),  about feeling ignored by your family (“If you ask me, they should be a lot more grateful to have you in their lives.”, he confessed). You couldn’t believe just how charming he was. So charismatic. Magnetic. You were drawn to him, like a moth to a flame. The world melted around you whenever he was near, leaving only that face and those eyes that looked at you like you were the only woman in the world. You had never gotten this kind of attention from a man before. This adoration, this possessiveness, this lust… 

When the waiter came to take your order it broke you out of your reverie. You realized you hadn’t spent much time actually trying to decipher all the complicated French words on the menu. You asked the waiter, “If we order the escargot first, will the vichyssoise still be warm?”

The waiter scoffed. “It’s vichyssoise. It’s supposed to be cold.” He looked you up and down as if you were some piece of trash someone had left in your chair.

 “Oh. Um, sorry…” You replied sheepishly. Across the table from you, your date glared at the waiter as he walked away. Almost immediately after he passed through the doors into the kitchen, he stood up. “Come on.” he beckoned you to follow him, and you did.

“What are we doing?” you whispered. He shushed you as he led you into the kitchen, where the staff seemed to be too busy to notice either of you ducking behind a counter. He snuck a cleaver off of a table and handed it to you. 

“Wait here.” He told you. He went in the direction of the waiter, stopping to unravel a long sheet of plastic wrap from a roll of it sitting on a nearby counter. He stalked the waiter until he went into a closet in the back and then motioned you over. The two of you cornered him, and the demon snuck up behind him and wrapped the plastic wrap around his face, maneuvering him so he was on his knees in front of you. “Now!” 

You raised the cleaver over your head and sank it straight into the waiter’s skull. Your accomplice smiled fiendishly as he let go of the plastic wrap and let the dead body flop over sideways to the ground with a dull thud. “That was perfect! You’re a natural, baby!” He stepped over the corpse to gather you into his arms, chuckling excitedly as he held you close. 

Out you went into open night, running hand in hand far away from where other restaurant workers were discovering the body. He led you into a garden of wild roses, their stems grey and petals red in the silver moonlight. From a distant cottage, you could hear soft piano music playing. There, in an alcove covered by vines and tall stems, he took your hand and pulled you close, wrapping his free arm around your waist and swaying you softly to the music. You moved your hand to rest on the back of his shoulder and looked up at him. You felt his chest moving with each breath he took as you stared into those green eyes searing into yours. After what felt like an eternity, his voice came quiet, soft, and his breath whispered into your ear: 

“I can give you anything you want, honey. So tell me, what is it that you want?”

And you breathed out the words you knew in your very soul to be true. “I want you. I want the protection only you can provide. I want the way you make me feel like the most special, most important woman in the world. I crave the intensity of your gaze, the way your touch sets my skin on fire. I want to be yours.” 

His lips crashed into yours as you inhaled sharply, exhilarated by this feeling of his beautiful lips finally on yours. His hand left your hand to hold the side of your face as the kiss became more passionate, and you wrapped your arm around him, pulling him closer. When you came back up for air you weren’t in the garden anymore, but instead back in your bedroom. Just when you thought it was all just a wonderful dream, you felt wiry but strong arms wrapping around your thighs, lifting you up and facing you towards your love. “I’m right here…” he kissed you again and laid you down on the bed, carefully crawling on top of you. “I’ll never leave your side. You are mine now. Mine and mine alone.” He told you in between kisses. His hands roamed your body, his warm touch sending shivers down your spine. His lips moved down to your neck as he began peeling off your tight dress, his hands smoothing over every piece of skin as it became exposed. Once he threw your dress off the bed, his fingers reached down to your hips and thighs, squeezing your soft flesh in between his hands. 

Then, one hand moved in between your thighs, pressing into that spot previously untouched by anyone. You gasped as you felt the pad of his finger pressing into your most sensitive spot, and your breathing became ragged as he drew little circles, changing the pressure and speed every so often. It was completely unlike anything you had experienced before, like every molecule in your body was on white hot fire. You moaned out wantonly, not being able to withstand the feeling for very long. “Yeah, that’s right, baby, let me hear you. You’re mine, your body is mine.” he hissed into your skin. 

“Yes, yes, I’m yours! Oh god, please take me!” You whined. He kissed your lips again before raising himself off of you to strip his clothes off. When he finally got down to just his underwear, he smiled deviously at you before pulling them down. Your eyes widened. You expected him to be big, but this was big…

He chuckled as he lay back down on top of you. “Relax, sweetheart, promise I know how to use it. I’m gonna go nice and gentle with my girl, okay?” He kissed you softly, and you nodded. He reached down in between your legs once again, his fingers lightly grazing you clit for a few moments before wandering down further and pressing gently in between your folds. “Just relax, baby…” he kissed you again. “Gonna take such good care of you. I’ll make you feel so good…” His finger curled into a spot that made you see stars. You cried out and felt him smile against the skin on your neck. He pumped that finger a few more times before pulling it out and adding another finger. You moaned. “That’s it, baby girl. You’re doing so good…” he kept pumping his fingers inside of you, causing your hips to buck against his hand on their own. You came for him again, letting out a high pitched scream as you pressed your body against his.  

The look in his eyes was dark with lust as he watched your body writhe underneath him. “Mine.. this body is mine…” He wrapped you up in his arms and kissed you passionately before positioning himself at your entrance and gathering your wetness on his fingers and smoothing it over himself. “Nice and slow, see? Just relax, baby…” he whispered into your skin. “I love you.” He moved your face in between his hands to look you in the eyes. You could see his expression in the dim light of the full moon: soft, almost a little scared as the words slipped from his mouth. You wrapped your arms around his neck. “I love you, too.” you told him. He kissed you gently as he slid himself into you. 

You shivered as you felt his tip stretching your walls farther than ever before. “‘S okay…” he breathed into your lips. He pulled himself back out again, almost completely, before pushing in again, just a little bit further than the last time. He was already hitting spots nothing else had ever reached before, yet you were so wet you took him in gladly. “Good girl… feels so good around me, baby…” This time he watched you carefully as he buried himself inside of you to the hilt, and your mouth hung open as your breath became shallow. “Alright, baby girl, just breathe, okay? Deep breath…” Your breath slowed as you gripped him tighter. “See, sweetheart? What did I tell you? It’s like you and I were made for each other.” And your heart fluttered as you realized that that was exactly what you were feeling. Even though he was stretching you so wide and hitting you so deep, it was like you were made to be wrapped around him, like your whole life was leading up to the moment when you were taken by him. Slowly, he began to move his hips again, pressing his body down on top of yours entirely and burying his head in your neck. 

“I’ve waited for you for so long… my sweet baby girl…” his voice was getting more strained as he moved faster and faster. The sensation became too much very quickly, and your back arched as you moved to grab the sheets underneath you, screaming as your ecstasy enveloped all of your senses. He lifted up his head to watch you as you orgasmed underneath him, his own mouth falling open as his body shivered. As you came down from your orgasm, he began rutting into you harder, gripping the sheets next to your head and causing the bed to creak loudly. “Gonna fill up this wet, tight cunt, sweetheart… put my seed inside of you… make sure everyone knows you belong to me and no one else…”

His rough pace sent you careening into another orgasm quickly, and this time he followed you over the edge, the hot sensation of him spilling into you pooling inside your core as he groaned loudly. As you lay there, your chest heaving as you caught your breath, he peppered your face with soft kisses. “God, baby, you’re perfect… you’re so, so perfect, I love you, so much…” You couldn’t help but notice the empty feeling in your core as he moved himself out of you, now that you knew that he belonged there. In response, you squeezed him even tighter to you, kissing him on the lips. “I love you!” You breathed desperately. He laid himself down beside you, wrapping his arms around your middle and pressing you tight against his thin body. He kissed you again. “I’ll never leave you alone again. I’ll always be right by your side. Always…”

You fell asleep with your head resting on his chest and a warmth still filling your belly.

Divider by: @/benkeibear

Tag List: @artsfavoritehorn

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[fang-and-feather]

Ikemen Vampire - Arthur x Reader - Family Fic

For Day 5 of 12 Days of Arthur hosted by @oigimi and @scummy-writes

This week was a nightare for writing, i'm glad I at least finished this, as improvised as it was

IkeVamp Masterlist / General Masterlist / AO3 Link

“When will dad get here?” Your daughter asked impatiently, sitting on the floor by your feet, Vic resting his head on her lap.

“He’ll be here soon, dear.” You ruffled her hair, hoping Arthur wouldn’t take too long.

I still took a few more minutes before the door opened, Vic rushing to it.

“Down, Vic!” Arthur said firmly, trying to calm the dog that jumped at him, as if to get to the box in his arms. “Down!” Vic finally listened, sitting back, but still staring at the box but he was replaced by the little girl, that darted from her place by your side to cling to him.

“Daddy!” She hugged him, then looked up, eyes shinning as she noticed the box. “You really got me a pet!”

“Why do you think so, dear? Maybe it’s a toy. Or a gift for your mother.”

“There are holes in the box, like mom made when we brought that bird to the forest. And you already got mom a gift, that’s why you got home late last week.” She explained.

Arthur looked so proud when she said that. You knew he loved the fact that your daughter was so observant at such young age. Maybe it was just a phase, in which she was awestruck with him and his skills, and trying to copy him. But she was smarter than other kids her age, especially in things that required logic, attention and observation, and he always got so proud when she showed that.

“Smart like her father.” You laughed. “She’ll be outsmarting you before you know it.”

“Is that the confidence you have in me, luv?” Arthur should know you were teasing, still he clearly didn’t like the notion that anyone could outsmart him, not even his own daughter, because he was definitely pouting.

“Don’t worry, daddy.” Your daughter chimed in. “You will always be my champion.”

“Well, thank you, dear.”

“But mom said good students get better than their teachers.” She added, making you laugh harder.

She wasn’t even the one you told that to, but apparently she heard your conversation and took your words seriously.

Arthur looked like he wanted to protest, but all that noise seemed to wake the dog in the box, who had been quiet until now, as he started to bark and try to push the box open. Vic stood up, barking back.

“I think we all got a little out of track here, and someone is getting impatient.”

“True.” Arthur crouched down to get to his daughter’s eye level, extending the box to her. “Merry Christmas, little robin.”

The little girl sat on the floor, opening the box.

“Here, little one.” She told the puppy that poked his head out. He barked at her and she reached out to touch him a little hesitantly, but smiled in delight when he let her do so, tail wagging, before she picked him up. “I think it likes me!” She exclaimed, excitedly.

The puppy was the same race as Vic, but in a different coloration.

“And you like him?”

“I love him! Thank you, Dad!”

Vic had approached her, sniffing the new puppy, who barked at him. Vic barked back, then walked back to Arthur.

“Seems like Vic approves, too.”

The girl let the puppy down, following him as he started to explore the room.

“What will be his name?” You asked her.

“Sherlock.” She declared, without hesitation.

You tried not to laugh at the obvious shock on Arthur’s face. Not even he was prepared for that turn of events. He would probably regret agreeing to get her a dog for a while.

“Who told you about Sherlock, dear.”

“I saw it in one of dad’s papers, then I asked uncle Sebas.” The puppy ran up to Vic, barking as if calling to him, and your daughter followed, finally noticing Arthur. “Daddy, are you okay?”

Arthur closed his eyes, gulped, took a deep breath and managed to smile. Not finding the courage to complain at his little girl.

“I’m fine, little robin.”

She nodded happily and scooped Sherlock up, before running to the door.

“Where are you going?” You asked her.

“Show him to Vincent and Lis.”

“Don’t run on the stairs, and don’t lose him.” You shouted as she ran to meet her friends, with Vic following her out.

“Okay, mum!” She shouted back.

Shaking your head, you turned back to Arthur.

“Seems like she already won this round. Are you sure you’re okay?”

“I’m not fine, exactly.” Arthur admitted in a low tone. “Of all things… But you underestimate me, luv.” He added with a weak grin. “This is not exactly a loss. Sometimes you have to make sacrifices to win a game, that’s part of the strategy.”

“Strategy for what? The only time you brought up a game regarding her was last year.”

“And you really thought I would let it end in a draw like that?”

You laughed, nuzzling into his chest.

“You’re impossible. But you know you didn’t need to go that far, right? She would have understood if you talked to her.” Arthur tensed a little, and you tried to pull away to look at him, but he hugged you tighter. “Don’t tell me the great detective didn’t figure out how emotionally mature his daughter really is?”

“Maybe. But you don’t take uncalculated risks when you want to win.”

“I’ll leave it at that.” You said, laughing. You knew Arthur didn’t want to admit he was unable to say no to his little girl. After all, it defeated the purpose of the game if you didn’t know it was still ongoing. But you would let him have this moment, at least for this day. “Merry Christmas, Arthur. I love you.”

Arthur finally pulled away to face you.

“Love you too, bird. Merry Christmas.” You two kissed, enjoying each other’s warmth a little longer while you could. “A shame we can’t continue this right now, luv. Let’s get your gift then, shall we?”

Tag List: @tele86, @nightghoul381, @natimiles

If you want to be tagged on future writings, you can reply to this post or send me a message

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[tactical-jellyfish]

The idiot's guide to fan-fiction (and fan spaces)

Hey, ladies, gents and in-betweens. I'm writing this because I've seen a really big up-tick in people in fandom (both readers and writers) acting in ways that are generally unsavory, and wanted to share the advice that I think is relatively common sense to not be a dickwad!

This will mostly focus on how to behave. If someone wants a version with writing tips, I would be happy to provide, but I also recommend you ask someone smarter than me (I know my limits lmao)

This will be divided into two sections: Readers and writers (obviously), but I'm going to start with....

Readers:

• First things first, be nice. I cannot stress this enough, be nice. Not just to your authors, but to each other. No author wants to come to their comments and see a catfight.

• If you do have advice or criticism, make sure it is constructive! If you need to run your phrasing by someone else or use tone tags, absolutely do! Remember, when people feel hurt by something you said, they're not likely to listen to you very well.

• Now, this is where my rules get much less popular. Be mindful of the person writing your fic. Writing, like any other creative process, can be very draining, and writers have lives outside of their work, too! If you see a lull in output, don't comment on it. It's a bummer, yeah, I get it, but keep those feelings to yourself or complain to a friend. Don't harass a writer. You don't know what they're going through on the other side of that screen.

• Another thing I don't think I should have to say (mostly because tagging is a really popular thing), but you should probably make sure you're in a relatively good state of mind when you read. If it's hurt/no comfort, make sure you can handle that. No writer wants to know their work really fucked up someone else's day.

• I will say my single hottest take. You can be rude if you see fucked-up shit entirely untagged (think: extreme, not-canon-typical violence or abuse, + other subjects that can very much trigger a good deal of people). Things that come with real trauma. Leave a firm comment, but, again, be respectful.

• Yes, you as a reader are responsible for what you read, but there is a clear boundary of disrespect for both the platform and everyone on it when an author purposely leaves a very traumatizing thing untagged when they are very much aware of it. TLDR: Don't be a dickwad! Be nice and Support other readers and writers, but point out shitty behavior if you see it. Remember, any writer worth their salt wants to be accountable for what they put to paper. Be nice, but hold people accountable for their decisions.

Writers:

• I feel like I have less to say here, but that does not mean I won't say anything.

• Right off the bat, take care of yourself. Your work will directly suffer if you are suffering. If you're too sick to write, then don't. It's as simple as that. This is not your job, you get no (or not much) money from it. You are under no obligation to get your next chapter out right this very second. Yes, even if you said it would be out by Thursday, I don't care.

• My real thesis with that is to give your writing time to breathe. Of course, how much you write and when will vary based on who you are and what the other facets of your life are like, but this is fan-fiction. Don't stress yourself into your casket over it.

• Now, I know I said a lot to the readers, but I do have a qualm with some of y'all, too.

• Respect the source material. Yeah, sure, it's fiction. Yeah, sure, you can do whatever you want. But I can tell you upfront that your fic will suffer if you don't care about the characters in it.

• Do a character study. Look at their reactions. Read into the why. Know them so well you could fully predict how they would react to at least four conversations off the top of your head. Yes, even if they're written to be mysterious. Know them anyway.

• Now, here is where I'm going to get a little heated. So, I'm going to be upfront. In this part, I'm going to talk about tagging your fics, and why it's so important to do so. Cancer is discussed, for the sake of my example and also because I am still pissed about the incident I reference.

• Remember that your work is public. Other people can and will see it. You can put who you prefer see your work in your bio if you want, but that doesn't mean that your readers will care.

• I say this specifically for the people who will post a fic to, say, Tumblr, where minors are, and then complain about a minor reading their work. Tell them you don't want them there, but beyond that, there is nothing more you can do. Drill that into your head. If someone wants to read your public work, they will. That's just what happens when you post your work publicly.

• Now, I'm gonna head into some more heavy shit. If you don't wanna hear a mention of cancer, scroll down to the asterisks.

• Let me paint a picture for you real quick. I find a sick-fic. Its tags are simple, nothing too extreme, and so I think it'll be nice and fluffy, a sweet thing to read before bed.

• I am sorely mistaken, as the writer proceeds to give their main character entirely untagged cancer, and then kill them. Again, with no warning for either from the tags! (and the fic was misleadingly well-tagged otherwise)

• I am a cancer survivor. I lost some of my first friends in that ward and I almost died there myself. Do you know how fucking stupid it is to leave something so big untagged??? Where anybody could stumble on it?

• Someone who just lost a family member to cancer could have read that fic. Someone much less mentally stable could have read that fic, that writer could have dug up hurtful memories at a time when someone wasn't ready to think those things. And they gave no warning.

************************************************************************

• This is what I ask of a writer. I don't think it's a very tall ask: Respect your readers. All of them. Respect everyone who might come across your page, by warning them what they're getting into.

• Especially if you're dealing with something that causes a lot of trauma. If your fic features domestic violence, an eating disorder, anything of that tune, tag it. I cannot say this enough, tag it.

• Yeah, sure, you technically don't need to tag everything (and some little things can very much be excused for me, personally), but I will tell you to your fucking face that I think you're a sack of shit for leaving major, traumatic things untagged. Respect your readers, they're taking time out of their days to spend it with you and your work. If you write things that might trigger trauma, tell them.

• I'm not saying you can't write about a heavy topic. In fact, seeing a heavy topic handled well in fic makes me happy! It means people's struggles are being given a realistic voice, no matter how small.

• I'm telling you that if you really cared about the struggles you're writing about, you would know some people aren't ready to confront them like that. So tell your readers what you're doing. Be transparent with them.

TLDR: Take good care of yourself. Your work is never to be placed before your health, physical or mental. Tag what might be triggering. Even if you don't think it necessary. Tag it anyway.

That's all I really have to say for now, but if you have something to add, please leave a comment! I would be more than happy to elaborate or hear people out on their own takes or further justify my own.

Have a nice day, writers and readers! Much love to all of you :)

[northlt03]

Read The Secret History for the first time and I got obsessed with it so I wrote smth. Kind of want to write a whole fic but should I ??

Does such a thing as the “fatal flaw” so prominent in Ancient Greek myths and plays exist? And if so, what makes it fatal? What makes it have the power to unravel a person from the inside out? To be the very reason behind their downfall? To be the reason behind the madness they descend into.

My given, legal name is Bartemius Crouch Jr, after my rather self absorbed father. I am twenty three years old and this is my suicide letter.

I do believe such a thing exists. A fatal flaw. Something in the core of one’s soul, one’s psyche. Something fixed and immutable. A core part of one, around which the rest of their being is built.

Mine, I would like to think, would be something striking, perhaps climactic and dramatic. A morbid longing for the picturesque at all costs.

That sounds like something an old friend of mine might say. In a way, my writing of the events that follow, is a letter to him. To justify, perhaps, or to explain. I am not asking for forgiveness or understanding. This is simply a recount of what happened. 

As is the case, the search for “aesthetic” might not be my fatal flaw at all. It is pride, or perhaps hubris, as the Greeks called it. A call for attention. I did this! We did this! Oh we’re all sick bastards but how fucking glorious was it?

Perhaps a smarter man might analyze that, sit me down and ask me why I feel like announcing this to the world. Is it because of the lack of attention I had growing up from my father? Or the feeling of being absolutely inconsequential and meaningless? 

I grew up hearing, listening, reading, about old men and women who went on soliloquies, about the importance of family. Blood maketh family. Toujours puur, was the motto of my friend’s family. That is what all the adults believed around me, while I was young and even now.

Family above all else.

I feel as though they might have exaggerated the consequence of a family, making me believe I would never be greater than my father, that all my existence would be tainted by his. I would follow in his footsteps as a lawyer or perhaps a public servant and waste away like he did, with a wife and a child I never wanted.

Now, writing down my bitterness for my family, I may come across as a bit harsh. But that is the truth.

My father, a lawyer, who settled down in the south of England in a quiet sort of city, had never wanted to get married, nor to have a child. The fact was painfully established. Clear even to me as a child. I was unwanted. I was a hindrance, just another mouth to feed. Then as a teenager, a recalcitrant, rebellious waste of space.

I had a few friends growing up, none of them significant. I had always felt a shadow of dread, something rotten in my core, perhaps my fatal flaw. And it was this that other people, even children my age, could sense. I suppose that is why I was so swept up in the romance of it all at college. My first real friends, the ones who understood me, just as rotten and downright ugly on the inside.

It sounds shameless and repulsive on paper, but it is one thing to read about the events and another entirely to live through them, to live despite them, though I won’t much longer.

In my younger years, I did not have much of an affinity to the classics. I found them boring and incessant. It would be long until I grew to love everything I despised about them.

My father was a tall man, someone who, to me, had always seemed foreign and distant. We shared the same name (a bit egotistical in my opinion to name one’s son after oneself), and according to my mother, even shared the same features (a sharp nose, dark brown eyes, a distant stare, and a slim figure). I never accepted the comparison as a compliment. Even now, when it has been years since I’ve seen my parents, I detest even the mention of my father. 

It is one thing to not want children and another entirely to have one you feel nothing for and push him to fulfill your ambitions that you never achieved.

The trajectory of my life had been decided by him since before I could put one foot in front of the other.

I was to study law, like him, from a better university than him, then with my practices, I was to support my aging parents once my father retired. I have now a few hundred pounds to my name, and I leave it all to them. It is a bitter sort of ending. They will not know about my death until the papers tomorrow.

My mother, in contrast, is a meek woman. She had always been that way and will stay that way until she dies. Passive, docile, doing what my father requests because she is in love with a ghost of a man who aged and turned vile.

She used to tell me stories of their youth. How she had met my father at college, a smart, brilliant, animated young man with great ambitions. She had been charmed instantly. And that is perhaps her fatal flaw. To see someone or something and immediately assume the best of it. To ignore the abuse she endured, and to try and convince me, her son, to see her husband in the same light she saw him— a hard working family man who despite his aloofness and distance, ultimately wanted the best for me.

I don’t know what magical land my mother lived in, nor what rose tinted glasses she looked at my father with.

My only impetus through most of my life was the fact that I never wished to be like my father. I would rather die before I became that cold husk of a man. Rather funny how life works out.

Now I am sitting here in a rented apartment at midnight, scrawling desperately while the love of my life snores in the bed behind me. The only light is the candle burning, something that reminds us both of our old friend. Tomorrow, we will join him.

But for now, I am my past.

My father could have accepted the sciences as a career had I chosen them. If I wanted to be a doctor or perhaps a veterinarian even. He would have been displeased, but ultimately be persuaded. It was my attraction to the Arts and Humanities he despised.

Though my involvement with them was largely an accident.

I was rather lazy in my first two years of college, content to just drift through life (another thing my father disliked). It was in my first year I chose Greek simply because the classes were only twice a week and both times late in the afternoon. That should give you an idea that I truly did not intend for everything to play out the way it did.

A butterfly effect so aptly called.

Had I known I would change the trajectory of my life this way, would I still choose that Greek class in the afternoon? (Now, listening to the soft snores behind me, the answer is obvious. Yes. Of course).

I was nineteen when my life changed. A quite unruly teenager who dramatized his life because he was afraid it would amount to nothing. I wrote in my diary, similar to the one I am now writing in, about everything and nothing. 

I would write about the colors of the flowers in the spring, the first breath of fresh air after I had not left my house in some time, the vexatious and futile rituals of teenagehood the rest of my peers conducted, the loneliness I felt, trapped in that house, like my father’s hand constantly squeezing my throat, making it hard to breathe.

It was this diary my father had found, through my own fault. He was rarely, if ever home. He spent nights and days out, never informing my mother of his whereabouts. It left her wondering and fearing for his safety. Though a few days later he would come stumbling back with no explanations.

Sometimes I wanted to hold her by her shoulders and shake her. 

Look at him. I wanted to scream, but for fear of becoming a shadow of my father, I did not. Look at his pathetic state! At the secrecy he employs. Business retreats he calls them! And what about the lipstick stains on his blazer?

My mother was either blind in love or a fool.

I hate to think I am a son of those two. 

I hate to think I am no different from them.

I had always wanted to run away. Even as a child. I would dream about running into the woods, a mile out from the city. I had quite the imagination then. I would live in a tree, build my own house with my seven year old hands and live right there. I would never see my parents again. 

I had written about my urge to run away as well in my diary. 

My father found it tucked between the cushions of the sofa after I had fallen asleep the previous night writing in it and retired to bed, forgetting about the notebook. 

There was screaming, a few objects thrown. An anger at the way I had written about him and my mother. It was all truth, of course. I never knew why he had the audacity to treat us the way he did, but not enough courage to own up to it, denying it entirely and loathing the truth I wrote about him. He could not hope to face the man he had become and took it all out on me.

I slammed the door of my bedroom hard enough for the frames on the walls outside to rattle. No one could bring out my father’s worst traits in me better than the man himself.

The day was cold, my windows closed. I wanted a breath of fresh air, but with my bad luck that day, I probably would have lost my balance and fallen out of my window and broken my neck on the pavement below.

That’s when my eyes fell on the brochure, shoved carelessly in my closet somewhere when I had been looking for colleges. My father had insisted on some local college not far from the house to cut back on the cost of living had I gone somewhere across the country or continent. 

We weren’t poor, exactly. Not rich either. And the campus on the brochure made it clear Hogwarts University of Humanities and Arts was not for people like me. With its grand castle-like buildings, the rolling hills that surrounded it, blanketed by snow in the winter when the photo had been taken, and the classical medieval looking classrooms inside, I wanted it more than anything I had ever wanted.

Greed, I suppose, could also be a flaw of mine. I am chock full of flaws. All the sins rolled into one. Although I hope you wouldn’t hold that against me. It is so much more interesting to get swept up in the amorality of it all.

From the moment I had laid my eyes on the brochure, I knew I wouldn’t stop at anything. I wanted to be there and I would. Sometimes my ambition showed through. Greed, ambition, hubris, maybe not concerning on their own. 

I flipped through the brochure, eyes scanning the important parts of the text. Perhaps if I could get a scholarship, which was certainly possible with my above average grades and excellent record in my local university.

[pepperpottes]

i think i've figured out that my problem with writing fic is actually... reading other fic

i mean, my problem is a multitude of things, particularly perfectionism and a serious lack of self-esteem and confidence in my abilities to do a good job with literally anything, but lemme tell you, reading a bunch of absolute bangers on ao3 lately has NOT helped me in that department lol

like. i've read a few lately that are just SO GOOD. the kind of good that you can't stop thinking about it for days. and that's wonderful! i love when something is so well done that i can't get it out of my head. however, i really need it to get out of my head when i sit down to write my own shit, because then this starts:

"that author characterized [insert character] here so well; I can't do that! do i even understand this character at all?"

"their prose was so beautiful and poetic and had such a strong voice; mine doesn't! it's boring and lifeless and basic and there's nothing special about it to even call it a style!"

"their dialogue was so snappy and smart and realistic; mine isn't!" (re: do I even understand this character?)

"that story was so incredibly creative and well-thought out; my ideas are just lame and i don't have the mental capacity to come up with something that good!"

and most of all:

"that piece of work made me actually feel things; there's no way i could ever manage that!"

and then i end up staring at a blank page, internally screaming at myself: COMPARISON IS THE THIEF OF JOY

and i let it steal my joy, every time.

i do this with everything, by the way. not just writing. i have this terrible vice where i always think to myself, why is this worth doing if there's so many other people out there who are better at it than me? why would someone want to look at my pictures when they could look at something prettier? why would someone want to spend time reading my writing, when much better, more creative, more well-written stories exist? why would this company want to hire me, when they can hire someone smarter and more experienced?

i know a lot of this too is that i am so wildly out of practice with anything and everything creative, and that writing is like a muscle, and if you don't use it enough it grows weak again. i know that the more i do it, the better it will be. but just. ugh. i just get mad at myself sometimes for being this way. i'm mad at myself for letting my experiences in college make me hate writing SO MUCH that i didn't do it for eight years. nearly a decade of honing my skills, nearly a decade of ideas and stories, just lost.

(which is kinda silly, because i'm not even a... serious writer? i'm writing fanfiction. like who the fuck cares)

(but perhaps i could be a serious writer someday, like i always wanted.)

(circle back to, "but why would they hire me when they could hire someone better and more talented?")

idk. i'm just tired. i'm tired of being in my own head and not allowing myself the grace to say hey, it's okay if your writing isn't Pulitzer Prize worthy. it's okay if it's not as good as someone else's. it's okay if no one reads it or no one likes it, cause its yours and you should like it, and that's all that really matters in the end.

i'm also just physically and mentally tired from life and work and society and i imagine that's a much bigger factor in all of this than i'm giving it credit for. i punch out after 8+ hours of staring at medical records on a giant, blinding screen and i'm like, what are words? what are thoughts? i don't have any

(side note, i really feel like that job in particular has sucked the life out of me entirely. i used to be creative. i used to do things i liked, even if they weren't particularly good. i used to be... well, smart. i feel like i've regressed. or maybe i was never actually that smart or creative to begin with. BUT that's another rant for another time) (can you tell i'm a former "gifted student")

anyway, this turned into a really long and unnecessary rant about my deepest insecurities, but moral of the story: maybe i should stop reading fic for a while if i actually want to get something done without feeling terrible about myself in the process.

excuse me while i go, well... not write, probably.