#someone pls send me money so i can see a therapist

[slicedmayonnaise]

duet between 1911 jovier

javier is jelly roll. john is lainey wilson.

[lyrenminth]

Quiet love 3/?

The things went down from there. You avoided him more than ever while your grieved your friendship and your unrequited love. It was a big loss, so much that you asked money from your parents for a deposit. You contacted the external friend Lydia told you about, and she was looking for a roommate. Her name was Grace and she sounded kind by the phone. You didn't thought it was so bad. Since Justin was preparing for the games he was busy but you could tell he was avoiding you too and that hurt you even more. You stopped having dinner together and it was more like you hiding in your room or arriving late.

When you saw him, you were polite and distant.

The dynamic was killing you inside.

You started packing your things when Grace told you the previous roomate was leaving. You signed the lease to secure your exit. It was time to put your big girl pants.

One day your mom video called you, and she was worried.

"You don't feel comfortable in his house?" she asked.

"It's not that...I need my space. I can't be living in his house forever, mom" you explained. She bite her lip. "Please, respect my decisions"

"That's ok, but I don't want you to go homeless"

You laughed. "Don't worry about that"

"Holly wanted to talk to you" she lowered his voice. "She is worried about Justin"

You felt as if someone was throwing a bucket of cold water on you.

"Why?"

"Justin hasn't answer any calls or messages from anyone since a week ago. She didn't want to panic because the NFL is rough but that's a lot of time. And since you are living with him she wanted you to check on him" your mom explained. "Maybe the stress of the game is taking a toll on him"

You blinked. The Chargers weren't exactly winning but it wasn't that bad. They had a good record.

"Yeah, don't worry. I'm going to check on him"

"And how you are doing, darling?"

You smiled through the pain.

"Good I like my new job" you started "And California is great, I meet..."

You told your mom everything about the courses and your discoveries, but you mind was on Justin.

When you finished the call, you sent him a message. He was traveling for an away game so it was less likely to answer you but you tried anyway.

Hello

Your mom is worried bout you.

Be a good son and send her a message pls

For your suprise, he replied within minutes. It was ten pm.

I'll do

Thank you

The three dots appeared, and you looked at the screen expecting something but after a couple of seconds it stopped. And you heart broke more.

Losing a friend fucking sucks.

***

On Sunday, Justin got injured during the game. So you were worried about him and decided to stay a couple of days just to see how he was doing. You told Grace and Lydia about delaying moving in.

You were doing a favor to Holly and Mark while they arrived to L.A. His manager, Ashley was in the house at times too. You met a lot of people from his world. Coaches, therapists and assistants.

You realize how important he was for the team.

They always looked at you in surprise then look at Justin like saying "Who's this chick?" it was uncomfortable, but he never told them you were his friend or his lover either. You were just Y/N.

You made him breakfast often. The doctor was optimistic about the injury, he could move and do many things, but he was grumpy most of the time. Being out of the game was one of the things he hated the most. You helped him to stand up and drive him to the facility for his therapy.

"If you need something send me a message" you said, he was in the kitchen eating breakfast.

"Thank you"

"You welcome"

His eyes were speaking but you couldn't decipher the words.

"The boxes...are you leaving?" he struggled to say.

Did he checked your room? Why? Why does he always act like he cares?

"Yeah, I found a nice aparment"

"I- well, were you comfortable here?" his expression was unreadable.

"Yes, thank you for letting me stay" you grabbed your bag and looked at the clock. "Ashley must be here at anytime. I should go to work, you can change your diaper yourself, right?" you joked.

The truth was the injury made you feel less angry with him. It didn't matter that he didn't want you back, you didn't like to see him suffer. He was still an important person in your life, no matter how painful was to look at him now.

And you promise in middle school to have each other's backs.

"Yes, I'm an expert now" he replied, following the joke. You lingered in your place for a couple of seconds, just to see if he said something, but nope. So you said goodbye and left the house.

When you arrive at noon, Holly and Mark were there. You were so happy to see them too.

"Oh, it is so nice to see you again" you hugged them, feeling relieved.

"Look at you" said Holly at your attire. A pencil skirt and a blazer, both in purple color "You look stunning"

That night you put your best act. Nobody could tell Justin and you weren't speaking to each other days ago. And you were glad to have more familiar faces around.

You were talking about your impressions of California, and Justin didn't speak so much. Maybe he wanted to rest since he looked tired.

"She found an apartment too" Justin added, and he sounded so bitter it made you frown.

Holly and Mark looked at you.

"Wow, it is expensive?" Mark asked.

"Not that expensive"

"Did Justin told you something?" Holly asked, looking at his son.

"Not, not at all. It was just time"

"I bet"

Justin was glaring at you, and you didn't understood why he was mad. Maybe he was feeling pain again. You didn't want to deal with his mood swings.

"You should go to sleep a little bit" you suggested, in a cold tone.

The rubbed his eyes and nodded.

"I'm tired" he sighed.

The mood shifted. You felt the tension in your spine and tried to rescue the night.

"Everyone must be tired" you said, standing up and picking up the plates. "You come from a long travel from Oregon" you said to Justin's parents "You better sleep a little bit"

His parents imitated you, but you noticed Mark side-eyed Justin with disapproval.

****

In the morning, you were preparing in your room for work when someone knocked your door.

It was Justin in all his splendor. Looking grumpy as ever.

"Can we talk?"

"Sure" you said without looking at him.

He got inside and closed the door.

"Are you parents up?" you asked, putting lipstick on in front of the mirror.

That morning you were feeling better. Justin's parents always put you in a good mood.

The boxes were still sealed in the corner of your room. When he didn't replied you turned around to look at him. He was fidgeting with the hem of his Nike shirt.

"Is everything alright?" you prompted.

"Yeah...no, no really" You tilted your head to one side, looking at him up and down. "I'm sorry"

The apology landed in a sore spot.

"For what?" you were using the profesional voice you use for clients. His behavior last night was unacceptable. Ridiculous.

"For lying to you" you frowned "I know, I've always know but I was scared and I'm so sorry for being a coward. And for last night too, I was a douche"

"W-what are you talking about?" you asked, referring to the first part of his speech.

"I like you...I like you since highschool or even before, I don't know" he admitted, quickly.

You stopped breathing for a second, your organs melting inside your body.

"Why did you tell me you weren't sure?" you were cautious. At first you didn't believe him, you needed to prevent any type of miscommunication.

"Because I was scared" he explained, walking three steps toward you only to stop suddenly. You didn't move an inch "I...my lifestyle makes me feel like I can't be in a relationship, I'm busy all the time. I don't want you to feel neglected. It's just that...I wasn't ready for the change"

You studied his words and expression, he sounded and looked sincere.

He got closer again, reaching for you like a giant lost kid.

"Are you ready for the change now?" you asked, not processing completely what was happening.

"Yes, yes I am" he touched your shoulder, and you noticed he was shaking slightly. Poor Justin.

You grinned, standing on your tiptoes to hug him carefully. He hug you back, hiding his face on the curve of your neck.

"Justin, do-do you like me?" you wanted to hear him once again. Only to know you weren't dreaming. You looked at him "Is this happening?"

"Yes, I like you"

"Why do you decide to tell me now?"

"My dad sensed something was off and talked to me" he said "I just needed to hear it from someone I trust"

"Hear what?"

"What I'm losing by letting you go"

"I'm going to say thank you to him" he laughed. His expression morphed into something serious, desire. His pretty green eyes scanned your face for a sign, his eyes lingered on your lips. A silent plea. You leaned forward, and he tilt his head only to brush his lips against yours. The warm of his lips sent a shiver down your spine, and you put your hand on his chest to steady yourself. You could feel how fast his heart was beating. The butterflies in your stomach fluttered aggressively.

He did it again, only to make sure you weren't running away. In the third, his pretty mouth landed on yours, and you opened your lips. Kissing Justin felt right all the way. He was careful at the beginning, but as the time pass you needed more. You tongue search for his, and he gave you all you wanted. You fist his shirt, dragging him down to your height.

"Oh my god!" Holly's voice startled you both. You separate, your cheeks burning red. You glance at Justin who was looking the same. "I-I made breakfast, guys" she said, hiding a smile.

"Thanks, mom" Justin said in the most causal tone he could gather.

"I'll wait for you in the kitchen"

When she was gone, you touched your lips. Justin had lipstick on his lips too. You laughed and he looked at you confused.

"You look good with that tone" you said, looking for a wipe. He looked in your mirror and frowned. You gave him the wipe so he could clean himself.

The breakfast was kinda uncomfortable. Holly was trying to act cool, but you were nervous.

"Are you guys dating?" Mark asked, by looking at your face.

"Yes" Justin said, eating bacon.

His answer made you happy. Was this really happening? He sounded so confident about it.

"About time! I'm calling your mom!' announced Holly only to be stopped by Mark.

You knew your mom made some gestures toward Justin indicating her likeness for him as your partner, but you never expect Holly to like you too.

It was heart-warming.

"Once Justin is recovered you should go to the games, using his number and everything" Holly suggested. You were at some games before, wearing the colors of the team, but never official merchandise (you weren't the most fan) but the idea of being there as his partner was terrifying and exciting at the same time.

Justin looked at you with warmness in his eyes. And you swore he was the most beautiful man in the world.

The idea of dating him was the best.

[mindofharry]

here’s some vampire harry!!!!! pls treat him with the love and respect he deserves <3

“Honey, this is just water under the bridge” Your mother, Joanne, reassured you. She placed a rogue piece of hair behind your ear. You were both sitting on your bed, cuddling like you were 10 years old again. Getting fired, from your dream job for no apparent reason at all has basically broken you. Your mother is trying to reassure you, that it was meant to happen - that everything happens for a reason. You just want your job back.

“We’ll start job hunting again, next week. Ok?” Joanne said, you sighed and rolled over on your sighed. Your mum rubbed your back and took all the dirty cups from your room with her as she left your room.

You tried to sleep, to try and forget everything that had just happened that afternoon. But, your mind was occupied and too busy. So you decided you better start looking for some jobs, even interviews. Even though you still live with your mum, you still need money. Not just for yourself, but your mum too. All the money that comes into the house is coming from you and the jobs you have. You were finally comfortable with money, for the first in your life. But the world just really hated you at the moment.

You walk over your desk and sit down, opening up the second hand laptop you bought yourself for christmas. It’s nothing special like a mac, but it does the job. Once you’re logged in, you open google and type in ‘JOBS IN MY AREA’. You didn’t go to college and you barley passed high school, you’ll be lucky if you even get a job at the local book store.

You needed to stop this, punishing yourself. It’s not your fault, you remind yourself.

Nearly falling asleep at your desk, you decided to head to bed. Tomorrow will be better.

**

Tomorrow is not better. It’s worse than yesterday. You couldn’t even bare to open your laptop after being so disappointed last night. And you’re mum kept trying to reassure you, but you felt responsible for this.

Your mum couldn’t work, she’s not well and she’s in denial about it. She goes to AA meetings and talks with therapists, but she just can’t stay sober. You’ve tried to get her into working, but she manages to fuck it up everytime. Your mum is good mother, she took care of you and did the best she could. But sometimes you just wished she’d just stay sober, for even a week. So you could be a normal 19 year old, go out for drinks and hang out with friends. But you know she’s not a normal mum. And that’s something you just have to live with.

“Morning, love” Joanne said sipping on her ‘tea’. You knew it was alcohol so you gave her a pointed look.

She sighed and poured the drink down the sink. “Good, now go brush your teeth and we can talk” you say pulling your hair up. You mother shook her head and sighed. “I’m the mum here, Y/N. Don’t treat me like i’m the teenager” she said and you laughed. Really? This is how today’s going to go? the universe really hates me, you thought.

“You just hid vodka from me mum” you say and she sighed walking over and kissing your temple. “I’m sorry, ok? I’m trying, lovey” she said and you could tell how hard she was trying to keep together. you nodded and smiled, this was going to be a good day. Bite your tongue, Y/N.

“Yeah, i know. Now go get ready, i need help job hunting” you say and she nodded making her way out of the kitchen and up to her room. You sighed and put the kettle on. You walked into the pantry and took the vodka she had opened and poured it down the sink. Let’s see how long it takes her to notice.

You sat down with your cup of tea and one for your mum, opening up the paper and your laptop.

When your mum came back in, she looked a lot nicer and healthier. The shower did her good.

“So i saw someone looking for an assistant on facebook” Your mum said logging into her facebook on your laptop. You smiled to yourself, she really cared about you. “His name is harry i think, something along the lines of needing someone to sort out his schedule which you’re pretty good at” she said showing you the post. A few, actually a lot, of people had already liked the post and there was people sharing their CVs in the comments begging for a chance. You didn’t have the heart to tell your mum that this person wasn’t going to accept you.

“I mean, you can apply for other jobs but i think it’s perfect for you” She said biting her nip nervously. You nodded smiling in reassurance. “Yeah, it’s perfect mum. Thank you, i’ll try and get an interview. I also found a cleaning job too, so that’s good. Both jobs look like they pay well” you say with a shrug.

Joanne nodded and kissed your temple. “You’ll get a job. Don’t worry about it.”

After sending your CV to multiple possible bosses, you shut your laptop and turn your phone off of silent. Job hunting is a pain in the ass and exhausting, all you can do now is make lunch and hope for the best.

**

You were braiding your mothers hair when you got the call. You were both having a girly night as your mum hadn’t drank a sip of alcohol all day, it was definitely something to celebrate.

“Is this Y/N L/N i’m speaking with?” the voice asked, he sounded so bright and chipper. And he was irish too.

“This is her! how can i help you?” you asked and the man cleared his throat and paused for a second. “I’m offering you a job. the job” he said and you almost dropped your phone. You put it on your leg, on speaker so your mum could hear and you could multitask. You brushed the ends of your mum hair and let out a shaky breath.

“Do i need to come in for an interview?”

“Well, me and the boss would like to get to know you, get a feel of how you work on your own and with help. just like a test run, but if i’m being honest the is yours” he said and you could almost cry. “You’re exactly the kind of person Harry, my boss is looking for Y/N” he said.

“I’m niall by the way, i’m harry’s personal assistant” Niall said and you smiled.

“Well, when can i come in?”

After settling some stuff with Niall, who is kind of your boss too you were free to hang up. your mum squealed and pulled you into the tightest hug ever. “I told you, everything happens for a reason! you were exactly who they were looking for, babe” your mother said caressing your cheeks. You kissed her temple and nodded.

“You’re the best, you know that?” You said and your mum shrugged. “Eh, i’m okay” she giggled, you sat back down on the couch.

“Lay down, mum. We’ve got it sorted now”

You were going in to the offices, or as what niall called STYLES x MALIK, harry styles and zayn malik are both the bosses of the fashion company they both created. They have a headquarters in the states, but they’re just starting up a new headquarters in england, as harry and zayn grew up here and would like to see their families a lot more. Niall basically told you their whole life story over the phone, which you were very thankful for. Saves you the googling.

It was a tuesday morning, when you got the go ahead to pop in. Niall said to look nice, but casual. Like you’re going out for a dinner with your partners family. So you pull out your best high waisted flare jeans, an orange stripped shirt and tucked into your jeans. You topped it off with your lucky platforms and some jewellery. You left your hair natural, and the same with your makeup only some lip gloss and mascara.

“You look beautiful, honey”

“Thanks mum” You grinned pulling her into a hug. You placed your bag over your shoulder and took the car keys from the bowl at the front door. “I’ll be back soon, ok? Go for a walk or something” you say squeezing her hand, before leaving.

20 minutes away from you, is a angry, grumpy vampire. Niall was sat in front of harry, with a grin on his face.

“She’s literally perfect harry” Niall try to reason, but harry was having absolutely none of it. He wanted to rip that blonde son of bitch heart out.

“Niall, i didn’t want her though.” Harry said standing up from his desk, opening up a file and pointing at a picture.

“i wanted her”

Harry was pointing at a girl, blonde hair, blue eyes and great blood. He had tasted her before and worked his magic into getting her an interview - of course, she doesn’t remember him though. But this Y/N girl, he didn’t want her and he never agreed to having her come here today.

“You’ll have to fire her or make up some excuse, fuck i need something” Harry mumbled placing a hand over his eyes, Niall walked over to the fridge in the corner of harrys office he opened it up and took out a bag of blood pouring it in to a small glass. He placed it on the table standing in front of a frustrated vampire.

“She’s really good, Harry. You’ll regret it if you don’t let her do the test run” Niall said before walking to the door. “And she’s hot as fuck” he added leaving the room.

Harry hated being the bad guy, usually he’s a nice person. More lively, a bit like niall. A lot more quiet though, he’s pensive and reads people really well, one of his many talents as a vampire.

Harry was born in 1908, to a wealthy family. He had caring parents, a loving sister and good future a head of him. Until he met liam payne, they met in university decided to work together. The next thing you know, liam had his fangs in harrys neck and he was immortal. The first few years were hard, he was wreck less and did everything possible to get even a drop of blood. He met zayn five years after being turned, and he was sort of like the alpha of their ‘pack’ so to speak. He taught harry all he knew about control and using powers to get what you want, but only when you so desperately need it. They met niall in the 70s, he was freshly turned and needed help. They took him under their wings, and here they are today with a fashion company and a load of money in their pockets.

“What’s all the fuss about?” Zayn asked walking into harrys office with a few files in his hands. Harry huffed and sipped on the blood niall had poured for him. “I’m closed” harry said sitting down on his chair, zayn laughed and shook his head. “You have an interview in 5 minutes, get it together styles” Zayn said and dropped the files on his desk.

“Whether we hire or not, be nice. Her file is there, read it, study it. And keep those fangs to yourself” Zayn warned pointing at harry, then walked out of his office. Harry sighed and opened the file, stopping in his tracks when he saw your face.

You’re beautiful, so fucking beautiful.

He could tell the photo was professionally done, and you definitely had gotten someone to take it in a rush. Your CV is also a mess, but harry thinks it’s endearing. God, you’ve hypnotised him already. Harry could feel your aura through a picture, how the fuck was that even possible?

“She’s here” Niall said through the glass door. Harry nodded and cracked his neck, let’s get this over with then.

He could see niall biting his lip as she walked up, he couldn’t keep it in his pants for 2 seconds.

Niall opened the door and harry watched the girl walk in, her flares and platforms got his attention. She’s perfect. For him. Niall was still checking her out, so harry cleared his throat. Niall smirked and shook his head walking out of the office.

“Take a seat” Harry said and you smiled, sitting down. “I just want to say, i’m really grateful for this opportunity” you say, and harry nearly rolled his eyes. She’s too beautiful for a sob story. “I appreciate it” you say, and harry nodded quickly wanting to move away from anything emotional.

“um, so we don’t need you” He lied and you nearly choked on you own spit. Your eyebrows furrowed and you flushed a bit. Harry could see niall shaking his head. Damn you, super human hearing.

“Don’t need me? Niall said that i was just what you were looking for” you say, not angry just confused. Harry was impressed at how well you could keep your feelings in check, but he could feel how agitated you were becoming.

“Well, he’s wrong” Harry said and closed the file. “Have a nice day” He said with a fake smile. You couldn’t believe this. Fuck this.

“Fuck you” You said grabbing your bag and hoisting it up onto your shoulder. “Woah, Woah, what’s going on in here?” Zayn asked his hands in the air.

“Ask him, thanks for nothing” You say moving to walk out of the office. You needed to get out of here. “Just wait” Zayn called out, you stopped and sighed turning around.

“You’ve got the job” zayn said and your eyes widened in shock. “You start this friday, niall will email you detail. Use this week to treat yourself, on me ok?” Zayn said handing you a 50 dollar note. Who are you to deny money? You nodded and smiled at him. “Thank you” you say and he nodded.

“Don’t disappoint me”

**

You got yourself a coffee on the way home, you were a little overwhelmed and you needed to calm down before you went home to your mum. You just hope she didn’t do anything stupid while you were out.

“Mum, i’m home” you called out handing your bag up on the hanger. You got no response, so you looked around the house. Nothing in the kitchen or bathroom. The only places left are her room and living room.

You walked into the living room, to see your mum passed out on the couch a bottle of wine and an empty bottle of vodka on the coffee table. you sighed “Oh, mum” you said tears welling up in your eyes. “Why do you keep doing this” you mumbled picking up the wine and empty bottle, you put them away and cleaned up the cup. After that, you placed a blanket over her.

“You’ll get better soon, mum. I’ll be able to pay for it. We’ll have everything we’ve ever dreamt of and more” You say, kissing her forehead.

The next couple of days, you were nursing your mother back to health and used the 50 dollars your new boss gave you to by some groceries. Your mother really needed some hangover snacks, and she needed a lot of them. Luckily, you’ve been doing this a lot longer than you should’ve.

“Mum, i’m off to work” You said peaking through her door. She wasn’t talking to you at the moment.

“Alright, there’s medicine on the counter downstairs, snacks and stuff too. There’s no alcohol and no money, so don’t even try” You warned closing her door. God, this was so hard. You wondered how long it would take to be fired from this job.

You arrived early at the office, niall greeted you and took you to your own little office. It was nothing huge, but you absolutely adored it.

“Hey, don’t worry about harry” Niall said and you nodded. “I’m not, don’t worry” you reassured him smiling as you put down your diary.

“Good, well i’ll leave you to it” Niall said and you grinned at him.

“Good luck”

“Why?”

“You’ll need it”

[frustrated-subbie]

Anxiety rant, please send me some encouragement or virtual hugs pls

I really feel like I wanna cry tonight. but I can't.

All the feelings are there. My chest feels kinda tight and my eyes prickle and I open myself up to the feeling and then... Nothing.

This has been a common occurrence for me the past year or so and I don't know why. I mean to ask a therapist about it when I can get one again.

I just... Fuck. I feel so hopeless lately. I'm working three jobs right now. One full time, two on the side. On one hand I feel fulfilled because I love my jobs but at the same time, I'm despairing. I still can't pay all my fucking bills. I'm terrified of running out of money all the goddamn time and yet can't help myself buying extra things here and there to soothe myself. I keep avoiding reworking my budget or applying for the new card I need to do a credit transfer. I feel paralyzed.

On top of this, dude I'm just FUCKING LONELY all the time. I'll start talking to someone and they ghost me. I don't have time for this shit, man. I am heartsore and tired and have been for years. I'm never going to settle again, but I'm tired of being strong all the time, tired of hoping for someone to come along and knowing I can't count on it.

I want someone to CHOOSE me. I want someone to see my value, because unlike when I was in my previous relationships I KNOW I have fucking value now. And I know I need to go outside my normal spheres and meet more ppl but because I'm working THREE FUCKING JOBS I DONT HAVE TIME OR EMOTIONAL ENERGY to put myself out there any more.

I guess I'm just saying I desperately wish I was coming home to someone right now who I could snuggle into and cry a little. That's all. Fuck. I wish I could just cry

[alwaysanotherrainbow]

my boyfriend never texts first

Remus just wants to not be the first one to send a message every once in a while. That’s not too much to ask, right?

relationship: romantic remrom, background remy and emile (also romantic)

warnings: major character death, extended mourning (secondary warnings- brief discussion of religious holidays, brief underage drinking mention, a lot of all-caps) notes: unrelated, human, hs/college au. virgil, emile, and remy are here too. If you need anything in the secondary warnings (or one of those latter three characters) edited out, please let me know and I can put that up for you!

____________________________________________________

Remus always texted him first. Always. It didn’t matter the situation, didn’t matter the time date place name face. Who what when where why. It first started when he texted hi roman :) when they first got phones; for whatever reason, Roman just never texted first. Either he’d call or they’d talk in person.

No matter. Remus could cope.

May 1:

8:37 PM tody i saw you by my locker 8:39 PM *today 8:42 PM why didnt you say hi?

May 2:

9:30 PM a teacher talked to me today 9:30 PM wanted to talk about how i’m doing after 9:52 PM well you know. he’s a sick bastard

Really, it wasn’t too much to ask for, was it? He just wanted to see him text first once in a while! May 7:

3:32 PM: by the way idk if you got this last time 3:36 PM: my class ring size is the medium 3:44 PM: hopefully you order it by the deadline :P 4:03 PM: no idea when the deadline is 4:20 PM: bLAZE IT 4:24 PM: sorry i have like 0 money so i got it from the consignment shop 4:31 PM: i hope you like synthetic rubies!! leaving them with ur dad 10:40 PM: update. i cried for four hours with your dad.

June 2:

7:30 AM: gRaDuAtIoN dAy!!! 7:32 AM: there’s cookies in the reception menu 7:35 AM: snickerdoodles your favorite [eyes] 10:02 AM: i’m getting some for u 10:05 AM: [kissy face] 7:40 PM: the announcement was Weird 7:43 PM: anyways i have the snickerdoodles (Remus couldn’t go over to where Roman was staying, so he left them in the living room. He knew Roman would appreciate them. Hopefully he’d come over (wait, probably not, given...))

Well, actually, he could understand why he never texted first. June 11:

12:14 PM: roMAN 12:16 PM: [Attachment: Remus_Picani-Kleitman_Acceptance_Letter.pdf] 12:18 PM: YEAHHHH 12:24 PM: I’m sure you got in too SEND ME YOURS WHEN YOU GET IT 12:32 PM: WE MIGHT SHARE A ROOM YEA 12:35 PM: [Attachment: celebration.jpg]

Everyone was probably saying that he ought to just move on, but to be honest, he couldn’t... Actually, to be honest, no-one had told him to move on to his face yet. In fact, everyone was surprised he was doing so well, given how bad the circumstances were! The situation was stressing him out so much, even his dads were gently advising him to rethink things. (Well, that was part of the territory with one of them being a therapist and the other being a barista.)

“I got y’all some kouign-amann from the cafe,” said Dad, putting it down on the counter. His shirt had SLEEP scrawled on it with a Sharpie; it was the one that Remus had made for him as a joke. He still wore it. Huh.

“Sweetie, what’s a queen amahn?” asked Papa.

“It’s a... er, it’s like a... this is kinda like a croissant that had dreams of a muffin tin and salted caramel. One for you, babe.... then one for Doodlebug-”

“Can I leave some for Roman?” asked Remus.

They exchanged a glance.

“Of course you can,” said Papa with a smile. “Your candle’s on the table. Also, I got the news about being accepted into university? Good job, kiddo. You know, that was your father’s alma mater.”

“Are you sure you want to go to school right away after...? No problem taking a gap year.”

Papa glared at Dad. “Be nice.”

“I’m sorry, Remus, it’s just...” Dad put down his coffee. “If you’re not ready, if you need more time-”

"I’m sure,” said Remus with a grin, trying to get rid of what he just remembered. “Trust me.”

“Please find a good way to put away the snickerdoodles, they’ve been there since last week!” shouted Papa.

June 12:

12:12 AM: its twelve twelve make a wish 12:15 AM: hey when does your phone bill go out? 12:20 AM: im just saying that would Explain some things 12:22 AM: i know your dad pays Everything like a year in advance 12:34 AM: tell him i say hi 12:34 AM: 12:34 MAKE A WISH

July 12:

3:30 PM: guess who’s a double major in bio and theatre!! 3:32 PM: marine biology babey 3:53 PM: it’s good for the SOUL 4:04 PM: this cute octopus reminded me of you by the way 4:10 PM: [Attachment: for_roman]

August 14:

6:24 PM: moving in is the Worst 6:32 PM: by the way i got a single 6:35 PM: no roommates 6:41 PM: still have the bunk tho 6:44 PM: also got ur favorite pillo

August 30:

2:12 AM: roman it is like two o’clock in the morning what the Heck are you doing here, 2:15 AM: if u see me wave Hi 2:32 AM: ok >:c 2:42 AM: dont mind Me just studyin on top of the planetarium 3:15 AM: tbh i didn’t even know we go to the same campus? haven’t seen you around or anything 3:17 AM: shit phones gonna di

September 28:

2:20 PM: i failed my test 2:22 PM: idk what to d 2:24 PM: *do

September 29: 7:30 PM: remember that octopus you gave me that eats negative emotions? 7:32 PM: it works!!

October 3:

1:10 PM:  You’d like the theatre program, really 1:15 PM: just so u know they’ve listed your name as an ‘honorary member of the class of’ 1:19 PM: that’s really nice of them. idk if your dad knows

October 23:

9:45 AM: i had to explain one of our inside jokes 8( 9:52 AM: i can’t Explain the deodorant thing that was One Time 9:55 AM: also why i’m called The Duke 9:56 AM: its bc you said it. not my fault 9:58 AM: its still cute pls call me that still 9:59 AM: pancake brunch pancake brunch pancake brunch October 31: 6:12 PM: sun’s down! joyous samhain 6:15 PM: i remember when you sewed me that octopus btw, the one that eats ucky feelings 6:19 PM: how long did it take you to get the laurel sachet into it?? 6:34 PM: also thank you thank you thank you for helping me find a friendly church to celebrate all saints day 6:47 PM: that year was a NIGHTMARE because you forgot to get your white candles and carnelian, and i forgot my holy water, so we were driving around town like Madmen 6:59 PM: it was worth it though 7:03 PM: i left you a script, i think you’ll like it.

November 9:

11:19 PM: i miss you so so much.

November 10:

12:20 AM: ignor this i drank like 12:24 AM: a lot 1:15 AM: i’m sorry i should’ve been with you 1:22 AM: i shouldve been there With You. 1:45 AM: but i wasn’t 2:20 AM: i didn’t know thered be a 4:11 PM: shit i just saw these. Sorry to bother you December 2:

10:10 AM: hey roman, been a bit. yea sorry about last time. too much of the Alcohol 10:13 AM: gonna go over to my parents’ house 1:00 PM: if you wanna come over, you can. dad’s making snickerdoodles and papa’s gonna watch atla (yes i still have that dvd you got me do not @ me it’s with your candles on your table just like everything else) 1:03 PM: that was on the dot, i’m happy.

December 21

8:34 AM: hey, it’s snowing 9:13 AM: couldn’t help leaving you some hot cocoa. and snickerdoodles of course 10:12 AM: i love you Remus went to go help his dads with making breakfast, but by the time everyone was done cleaning and they had finished watching some shitty Hallmark movie, he remembered that he had left his phone upstairs. Going upstairs and looking at it, he felt something in him break.

[2 Unread: Roman <3, bf’s dad]

10:22 AM, Roman <3: Why are you texting this number? 11:15 AM, bf’s dad: Remus, disregard that last, I’m so sorry. I just found his phone and I saw only the recent message first

The phone started ringing. Remus answered it as quickly as he could.

“I’m so sorry Mr. Sanders I didn’t know that someone was actually getting these messages I thought the line was out,” he said within a few seconds before the person on the other side sighed.

“No, it’s quite all right. And Virgil’s all right, by the way, if you prefer. I... I was just looking through his things for the first time. You know, it being a holiday and all... Memories, things like that.”

“Yeah, I understand.”

“I just turned the phone back on, I’m getting a lot of messages.”

“Oh.” Remus stared at the wall, trying to come to terms with everything. “Well, I--”

“I’m not going to stop paying for his phone. I’m sorry, I just... I still have his voicemails on it, and I can’t stand the thought of it going offline either.”

“Right, I... I listen to it too.”

“I happened upon the last one he sent to you.”

“You looked at the messages?”

“I only looked over when I stopped getting new ones, but I saw the last question he sent you. For your ring size.”

“Yeah? He asked my ring size so that he could--”

“There’s no easy way to say this, but.. I found something of his. Can you come over?”

“I’m sorry, I can’t, but can you please tell me what it was? Please?”

“I really think I should tell you this in person.”

“Please, Mr. Sanders. Please, I... I can’t manage that.”

He sighed. “All right, Remus. I found an early acceptance letter to SJAU, and... and a ringbox.”

Remus felt his grasp on the phone grow weak. It fell onto the bed, Mr. Sanders’ voice still clear.

“I think he was going to ask for you to....”

“No, we... We were just out of high school, I-- that doesn’t make sense.”

“He always was one for those romantic gestures. There’s some poems here, too. A life-plan. I’m not sure exactly what malacology is, but--”

“Mollusks. Like octopi and squids.. Sorry for cutting you off, what was that?”

“Some of it’s in your handwriting, but one of the entries is ‘ask him’, for the day after... you know.”

God, he could hear his sad smile through the phone. He knew exactly how Mr. Sanders looked right now just talking to him, probably wearing that hoodie that was too big on him, in a dusty room full of things that used to belong to the most vibrant person that Remus had ever met.

But then Roman had died.

He was the most wonderful person, and he had just died.

“I’ll come over to deliver the ring to you. Is that okay?”

“Yeah. Yeah, that’s... that’s fine. Uh, call my dads first, though. They’re still not convinced I’m doing okay.”

“I understand. I’ll talk to you later, Remus.”

“Thank you, Mr. Sanders.”

The line went dead in his hands.

Remus held himself and wept.

December 28:

12:30 PM, Remus Picani-Kleitman: Mr. Sanders, would you like to come over for our New Year’s party? 12:34 PM, Remus Picani-Kleitman: It’s a tradition we had. You don’t have to if you’d rather not. 12:45 PM, Virgil Sanders: I’d love to go.

January 1:

12:00 AM: HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!! 12:05 AM: [Attachment: :)] 12:07 AM: we are all smiling in this photo and for that i think we deserve a hug. 12:10 AM: this rings the most beuatifl thing i’ve ever fuckign seen. thank you,, 12:14 AM: never gonna get rid of it <3 12:16 AM: it looks Good on my finger 12:30 AM: jsyk your dad’s asking my dads for the kouign amann recipe 12:32 AM: thats a pastry, i left those for u a while back 12:39 AM: okay i’m crying a bit but honestly, i love u 12:44 AM: I love you so so so much, Roman

Somewhere out there, whether it was from some wonderful paradise or beyond the veil or even only in wishful thoughts, Remus knew that someone was saying I love you too.

[supersoldiersruined-me]

I’m a sucker for letters, I love them so much although I’ve never received a love letter before, maybe one day! So can you write a drabble with Seb professing his love in a letter? Pls and thank you 💛

A/N: This is so belated and I’m sorry, the last couple months haven’t gone quite as expected. Thank you for being so patient love.Warnings: None!Word count: Short and sweet

Main Masterlist

Ever since you met Seb on the set of his upcoming movie, things have been going smoothly, as if you had been long lost childhood friends. He was super sweet from the moment he laid eyes on you in that flowy dress, and every time he was in town or close by, nothing would keep his hands off you.

He had made the first move when it came to the whole concept of a relationship. You arrived at his place one night and his dining room was lit by an array of candles; one of his mom’s recipe waited on the table. The evening was filled with small talk and board games, as you enjoyed the fresh air his New York balcony could offer.

The thing with Seb though was that he would most often translate his emotions into actions. Which, to be fair, was rather nice for a while. He indulged you in way too many items you could have only dreamed of before. But anytime you tried to get him to confess his feelings, he would find a way to bail out and expertly change the subject. So one night you put him to a wall and gave him an ultimatum. A thing you never wanted to do in your life, let alone with someone you admired so much.

The next day he was gone to start filming abroad, although he wasn’t scheduled to begin for another three weeks. The action spoke for itself and you packed the few pieces of your stuff out of his apartment the morning after his flight. With a heavy heart you tried your best to get into your old routine, in your cold, crammy studio. You had tried to reach him but ended up realising that he probably got himself a European phone and didn’t bother send the new number.

One week into his actual work time, you headed back to his place to pick up something of yours you had forgotten in his office. As you got to the door, you frowned at the sight of the overflowing mailbox in the hall, wondering why his housekeeper never got them in. Or if she had even come once. You set the pile of envelopes and pamphlets onto his counter and just as you walked passed them on your way out a bright one caught your eye.

Your name appeared on the front as you pulled it from underneath the others. A small gasp escaped your lips when you saw the sender’s address. Quickly, you ripped the top and unfolded the perfumed piece of paper.

There’s no way to easily get myself out of the crap I’ve been sending your way these past couple months. I want to blame everything on work, or on the lack of time in general. But honestly everything is my fault, and I’ve been avoiding responsibility for too long.

The fact that I’m writing it down on paper proves how big of a coward I can be. And I want to apologize for it. If you’re still reading this, or just reading at all, I want you to know that you’re the best thing that’s happened to me in a long time. Or like, ever.

I’ve been meaning to tell you that I began seeing my therapist more often. But I didn’t want to be weak and I needed you to know you could rely on me. Yet, here we are, into the hot mess I created with my own fears.

Before leaving for Europe, I promised myself I would become a better man for you, and that included spoiling you with things, I thought back then, would keep you interested in me. And well, I was really wrong. As I talked with my therapist she made me understand that I can’t go around thinking everyone is after my money, or my fame, and that it wasn’t fair to the people around me that my only reflex was to give them exactly what I feared them for.

Then when I started talking about you, I just couldn’t shut up. And she didn’t stop me even when my time was up. I called her while I was walking home from the grocery store one morning. I just had to tell her how amazing you are. Because you are, and I had to let it out. Then after my third call she stopped me and said ‘Don’t you think there’s someone out there who would rather hear these words than me?’ And that’s when it hit me.

I was so scared of your reaction, of losing you that I decided to hide the existence of a future with you in the back of my mind. It seemed to ease the anxiety for a while, until she asked me that question, and I realised I was probably hurting your feelings in the process. I want to apologise for this, amongst everything else.

So here I am, in damp clothes, sitting on the steps to my trailer, writing this letter. And after my rambling and baby whining, I can finally write it down, three pens later.

Y/N, baby.

I fucking love you.

Everything tag  

@buckmesideways22​ @stanclub​ @buckysbrat​ @eyesfixedonthesun22​ @captainrogerrsbeard​ @loricameback​ @freshwoods @onehotgreasymechanic @wintersoldier1989 @mybloodtypeiscoffee @msruchita @katiew1973 @badassbaker @its-forevermore @its-a-pretty-interesting-wall @musette22 @if-n0t-l8ter-when

[ionlylikemycat]

one of the worst afternoons of my life took place at a butterfly sanctuary

i went to this sleeepaway camp for a month and short story i Did Not fit in and i’m pretty miserable but Acutely Aware that this was the camp i chose and that would never be money like this again to send me somewhere so i had to make the most of it and not be miserable every second but it was Really taking it out of me

and so one day they say they’re taking us on a field trip and i ask where and they say we’re going to magic wings and the yiddish book center and i say are you Fucking Kidding Me that’s twenty minutes from my house and they say that’s where we’re going so i say i guess pls can my mom bring my rain boots to magic wings bc my feet are wet and they say sure but you Aren’t Allowed to see her and i said Fucking What and they said you Aren’t Allowed to see her it’s camp rules and i did not call any adults fucking cunt and i think that deserves more appreciation than it gets in this story really, the amount of times i Did Not call anyone a cunt

anyway so i drive the two hours it takes to get to the butterfly place on a bus with a bunch of other children which is in the kindest terms hell on earth, and when we got there my rain boots were waiting for me in a paper bag with my moms handwriting and the special heart she does with wings and inside were fresh local peaches and blueberries because it was summer and in season and they were beautiful and my favorites and the camp people said i couldn’t eat them and i said why and they said because there’s a rule all food from home has to be shared at the specific time back at camp and i said it’s berries it’s gonna be mushy pls can i eat them and they said no and i Did Not cry but it was a close call

and then they took us to the yiddish book center and i excused myself to the bathroom but really went to the front door to see how far the nearest bus stop was and gauge if i could make it there and the whole wait for a bus before one of them noticed i was gone and i was thinking about how i’d convince the bus driver i was a lost kid and pls could they take me to the center of amherst bc if i could get there i could go to the library and use the phone to call my mom to come pick me up

but then one of the counselors caught me and made me come back and sit and listen to someone tell what i presume was a story about suffering and pain and multigenerational trauma and then got shoved back onto a bus and driven the two hours back to camp, the ride which crushed my blueberries and got peach juice all over my rain boots so i had to chuck the fruit when i got back to my cabin and cried in my pillow for a while during free time before dinner

now i pass that butterfly sanctuary every time i drive to see my sister or my therapist or go to the good bakery with the best pastries since henion’s closed

Review of a butterfly farm… 🦋

[emthetimelady]

New Rules - 1

Summary: Logan didn’t have a good day. Not as he was supposed to have Characters: Roman, Logan, Patton, Virgil, mention of Deceit Pairing: Background Deceit/Logan  Warning: Deceit mention, angst, being left alone, a Little mention of Deceit/Logan but not much in the chapter A/N: So yeah Another AU that will have 5 parts. It will be mostly angst so pls tell me if there is any warnings I missed.  Tagging: @shit-happens-bitchachos @freepaperie081 

Logan Smith wasn’t really an unusual boy. He had three friends who was with him a lot, he got high grades. There was a few things that wasn’t as usual for a boy like him. He got high grades no matter what, normally a big An on the tests. He had one parent, a non-binary person named Joan. Joan was still a loving parent, funny and clever like Logan, the big miss was that Logan’s mom had left in early age when Joan came out. Joan and Logan still managed to be very close. Another thing that stood out with him was his relationship with his boyfriend. He, Logan Smith, had a boyfriend. His named was David, but many students called him ‘Snake man’ or just ‘Deceit’. But Logan was desparatly by his side. Two of his friends was dating and the other was clearly having a crush on someone. The one day turned into one week, the week turned into a month and soon it became longer. It was a sunny saturday when the four friends was together. Logan was sitting on the floor besides Patton. Roman and Virgil was sitting on the bed, close to each other. They all were softly talking and laughing. “So how are you and David?” Roman asked. His voice soft and Logan thought he could sense some worry. “Good, why do you ask?” “Just… He normally doesn’t let you be with us… Didn’t he plan something for today?” “Oh yeah! We are going out for dinner then watch a movie at him.” “Oh…” Logan smiled at them before they soon started to talk about one homework they had. Logan was standing outside a restaurant. It was five pm when David and Logan had decided to meet each other. The sun was slowly going down and it slowly got colder with that too. Logan was lucky he had chosen a warm jacket so he wouldn’t freeze. Mostly David was late meanwhile Logan was mostly early. It could be irritating but sometimes it was nice to collect the thoughts before. Logan: Hey David! I am outside the restaurant, I hope you’ll be here soon. It is getting cold. Love <3 It was now six pm and Logan was getting worried. The sun had gone down with clouds slowly covering the sky. It had gotten colder and his legs got tired. Logan: Hey David where are you? I might go home if you won’t answer… Logan: David what are you doing? Two hours of waiting in the cold air. It had gotten very cold and dark, the jacket wasn’t enough anymore. It had started to rain now too which the jacket couldn’t really take.There was no good shield for the rain close by so Logan just sank down on the wet road as he got soaked. It was unlike David, he never got late or ignored a date and never left Logan alone. Logan wanted to send him another message, ask him where he was or ask if he was alright. Instead he was shaking by the cold as tears slowly fell. “Logan… Why are you here?” There was a soft voice. Logan looked up and saw his friend Patton standing there. “I can ask you the same” he whimpered. “I was at my appointment with Picani… I told you I had one…” Patton pulled Logan up. Logan knew what he meant, Patton had hard time with his parents getting a divorce. He had it hard to open up to the others about feelings so he had tried to talk with a therapist. Logan had just forgotten that his appointment was so late. “Sorry… I forgot…” “It’s fine… Why don’t I take you in for dinner? I can ask my mom for money…” “Okay…” Logan’s breath hitched from the slight sobbing. Luckily it was late so there was one table free for them. It was in a corner close to a radiator. They ordered their food and something to drink while getting warmer. “So what happened?” Patton asked. His eyes full of sadness by seeing his friend like that. “I got here in time and he seemed late first… But one hour later he still didn’t message me and then it started to rain and then it got to two hours and… And he still didn’t show a sign… I am sure he just forgot though… He is busy after all…” Logan explained as he just poked on his food. He wasn’t that hungry after so long, the slight disappointment in his voice. “Yeah…” Patton sighed. “Now get the food inside of you, it won’t do much for you unless you actually eat it…”  

[trippz2ill2ace8itout]

🔥🔥🥀🥀Hey xx my name is Izzy Magdalinoz-Martinez, and I am a drug addicted alcoholic with 2 years clean! I’m 22. I have 20 mental illnesses I know rock bottom, hell, trauma , pain, and darkness from top to bottom x I’ve been homeless 13 times, 215 mental hospitals , Trauma occurring 24/7 from 2001-2018.

Here's a list of my doctors diagnoses (they were actually diagnosed , DO NOT SELF DIAGNOSE)

•Bipolar, Schizo-affective, PTSD

OCD , ODD, ADHD, anxiety , depression

Insomnia , autism, anorexia

Attachment disorder , narcolepsy

Borderline personality , multiple personality. Dissociative identity fugue

Critically/clinically insane

Tardive Dyskinesia, body dyamorphia

Dissociative Amnesia

Depersonalization/derealization disorder

Intermittent Explosive disorder

Severe Brain Damage

🌙🌙🔥🔥🖤🖤🥀🥀HUGE TRIGGER WARNING🥀🥀🖤🖤🔥🔥🌙🌙

🥀🥀🔥🔥Hey my name is Izzy && I'm a recovering drug addict && alcoholic x This is the longest I've been sober being out of treatment. I've used mostly every drug there is. Been In 3 foster homes (2 out of 3 were abusive) group homes, unlocked and locked treatment centers, rehabs shelters, crisis centers. Short and long term treatment centers. And boarding cares , no home from 2011-2018 Which none will take me back cuz I've been there to many times. I've sold myself && got tortured abused raped drugged up for drugs and money to raise my unbio son, Anthony. I lost custody cuz of false accusations. I've had multiple near death experiences (some were suicide attempts && some were naturally done) my drug of choice was meth x Most of my life I've gotten abused raped, literally tortured and drugged up. Sold. Prostituted, almost killed. But no pity sympathy or attention pls.

a shout out to my unbio son that I raised as my own, Anthony Castillo-Martinez, I met him at one of the many abusive foster homes. Where it was owned illegally by Andrea/Angela && Jimmy Miller. We got tortured daily. They were not licensed foster parents. I met Lil Toni there and I escaped with him to meet up with Kimberly. We lived in a run down hotel in LA. I became homeless again. Toni got me through so much and even tho I can't find him (he's been gone for years) your my lil baby. I will always love u. U are my world and one day I hope to see u again. I hope you have a good home now. Going to school. Just doing well in general. And I'm sorry for you witnessing what Kimberly was doing to me. I love u babes with all my heart. 🖤

🔥🔥every day and night I deal with

20 mental illnesses

Vivid flashbacks 24/7 of the trauma that occurred 24/7 from 2001-2018

40-80 mental breakdowns all day and night

Not being able to aak for help cuz since I've been in 215 mental hospitals the next time I go I'm going to a state institution

Michael Alvarado Alvaro (my main demon) constantly tortures me

No options cuz: I've been in over 100 treatment centers none will take me back

Been on all medications (dosages, types, combinations)

Being the most high maintenance mental health case in the system of California

My dog slowly dying

My mom being constantly sick

Feeling like I dont belong anywhere

My psyical health is getting worse

-feeling weak

-blacking and passing out

-throwing up

-body aches

-memory loss

-constant headaches, stomach pains , nausea, soar throat , body numb

Narcolepsy

-ear aches , my whole body aching Sinusitis

Being overly sensitive / wanting to save the universe and everyone in it

Fear of telling people I'm not OK cuz:

I feel like a burden

It's the same thing over and over again

It gets tiring

I feel like my existinese is a waste

Being literally possessed by my demons

Being autistic

Not eating and not sleeping

Wanting to hurt myself

Wanting to end it

Wanting to escape

My family doesnt want me home

They would be better off without me

Constantly missing my un biological son Anthony

Hearing my torturours in my head

This is not for pity or sympathy

I'm trying.

Im here for all of u . My 2nd Number: 951-460-8418

Suicide Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255

Also u can text 711-711

Don't give up , u matter x 🔥🔥

60-80 mental breakdowns a day vivid flashbacks every day _ nightmares every night. Being a recovering drug addict/alcoholic.

215 mental hospitals, 3 foster homes, 2 were extremely abusive. , bouncing from unlocked, locked, short and long term treatment centers, group homes, rehab, residential, crisis centers, homeless 13 times. Shelters, most of my life I've been literally tortured, raped, abused, sold, drugged up, I sold myself/prostituted, got tortured and abused in every way possible. Sold drugs to get money to raise Anthony "Lil Toni" Castillo-Martinez (why I have the last name Martinez) who I met in one of the abusive foster homes and raised him as my own. Kimberly M. Olivarez was my deceased ex fiance, she made a false accusation that I gave Anthony drugs (not true at all) , CPS took him away. Kim tortured and abused me in any way possible. She called 60+ people every day and night to abuse, rape, torture , almost kill me. I have attempted suicide over 100+ times, my "dad" who I don't consider my dad abused me in anyway possible from age 4 till he died in 2011. I've been abused by several more people. I have been on every single medication for mental health, every dosage, combination, type. In every sort of treatment. They are trying to concerve me again, last time I talked to my therapist, doctor , treatment team etc they said my next admittion to the mental hospital they are gonna send me away to a state institution. Last time they concerved me I was past my 52/50 and I was at this one hospital, I was there for a few months I can't remember, they had a hearing then they took me to court. I already got my criminal record when I was under 18, they cleared it. I lied to the judge and then later on they took me off concerveraship . so let's say I'm suicidal , unsafe, I can't tell anyone cuz of what I just mentioned. When I was 12 years old I for sent to a level 14 (higher level of care) mental health, addiction, behavioral treatment center for over a year. They couldn't even handle me and they were tryna send me to a higher level of care, but that was the highest level of care. The state of California named me "the most high maitence mental health case in the system" from 2011-2018 I had no home. From 2001-2018 there was trauma occurring 24/7. My soberiety date is 9•18•2018. I have a name for myself from several people. Over 200. Have told me I "help everyone obsessively" I get told to put myself first but that ain't ever gonna happen. I don't trust people, I'm extremely sensitive and I can't take confrontation without me breaking down. I don't date at all cuz of the many traumas. I'm a bi-romantic asexual. I'm 22 and I've always been a female. I accept all of u for who u are, no matter what race, color, sexuality, illness, circumstances ur in, etc etc. I can name more, I accept everybody. Everybody needs somebody , we deserve care, love, help , support, acceptance, appreciation, etc etc. U don't kno someone's story, what they have been and/or currently going thru. U matter, ur existence is a huge blessing to this universe. U are doing the best u can and I'm proud of u. There's more but its 2am and my meds are kicking in. Don't judge anybody. I appreciate all of u and I'm here for u. -- Izzy M. Martinez🌹🌺🌷🔥

[catlovetts-blog]

hey there demons, it’s ya boi. or jaz, either way the sentence is valid. for those of u that don’t know me i play charlie, elias & anastasia already and here i am bringing another bb into the mix ! this is catherine lovett, aka cat, and is probs just under elias in the ‘how decent are jaz’s characters’ scale ( charlie is last, obviously ). for more about her read underneath the cut, & as per usual feel free to like this if u want to plot ! if we haven’t plotted already & u wanna plot w my other charas too, just lmk and we can work some Magic™.

TRIGGER WARNINGS: abuse, divorce.

CATHERINE LOVETT. DANCE VP. LEAD SINGER & GUITARIST.

cat was born in new york city, new york but her and her parents moved to blossom hill when she was about five, her dad being kinda concerned about how the pollution would affect his kid. #ecofriendly. her family is old money but she’s never paid much mind to how rich they are, kinda just going with the flow. you can still tell to this day she’s a city girl, being an absolute wizard with public transport and having slight issues with the rurality of blossom hill. pls never put her in a field.

ever since she was a kid, cat’s had some issues with her anger. she was taken to a therapist, but 80% of the time it never manifested into physical violence ( she still hit a lot of people, but it was always after a verbal argument, she never fought without warning ), so the therapy didn’t help. everyone just came to understand cat was fairly tightly wound and liked being in control, something you don’t have a lot of when you’re a kid, and so her irritation manifested itself as sudden outbursts of anger. because of her issues, cat tended to not speak very much, feeling that the less she said, the less others had to reply to, lessening the chance of her getting annoyed and possibly causing upset. both of these behaviours have stayed with her her entire life, causing her to become known at school as a bit of a lit fuse.

her entire life cat’s mom has always had her on a tight leash. she pushed her into dance at a young age, being a retired ballerina herself, desperate to live out her glory days via her only child. cat, in a desperate attempt to atone for her anger issues, chose to give up her childhood and the things she wanted to do in hopes of making her mom happy. she thought by making her mom happy, she would make her dad happy, and maybe the hushed fights and tense glares at breakfast would stop.

despite the grueling practice schedule, cat found time to secretly develop her own hobbies. she didn’t go searching them out, they found her in twists of fate, calling to her as if by chance. she became good at practical subjects, things like woodwork and metalwork, and moved on to learn about car mechanics from her father in the small amount of spare time she had. it was their secret, of course, but that didn’t lessen her enjoyment. she picked up the guitar at a thrift store when she was ten, another gift from her dad for doing well in a silly, inconsequential test, yet that gift was the best thing to ever happen to cat. she discovered her true passion, music, and began to write songs.

when she was about fifteen, her parents got a divorce for reasons still unknown to her. cat and her dad were super close but because of her mom, the gold-digging demon, her dad was forced to move back to new york and her mom got the house in blossom hill, the parents both deciding it’d be best for cat to stay in the town considering she’d already begun to build a life. things had never been great between cat and her mom, the woman screaming obscenities at her one minute behind her dad’s back, and then stroking her hair and saying she needed to be perfect the next, yet somehow things got worse.

her secret: cat’s mom largely blamed her for the divorce and hit her for the first time after cat came home late one night after dance practice. a dance practice she had pushed cat into. it was a nasty, violent show of hatred, the older woman waking up the next morning as if nothing had ever happened, pulling her into the main bedroom to cover it with makeup. cat didn’t know what to do. despite what her mother had done she couldn’t bear to upset her, having seen her sobbing alone many a time after the divorce, the young girl feeling as if she had to take responsibility. she dealt with, and continues to deal with, physical, emotional, and verbal abuse from her mother, forgiving the woman each time, unable to wake herself up to the truth.

however, the abuse led to something else for cat. because of it, she was desperate to get out of the house more, hoping and praying for any opportunity to not be at the lovett residence. she’d been turning to her music more and more, secret notebooks now full to the brim with songs and snippets of tunes – it didn’t take her long to form a band, not too long after the abuse started, and now they’re one of the few things keeping her afloat. she’s the lead singer & guitarist, taking the whole thing very seriously, believing the group has what it takes to be big one day. she’s been sending demos off to every record label she can think of, hoping that if they catch a break, she can tell her mom and maybe she’ll be proud enough to stop hurting her. the band’s been together for two years now and they practice twice a week minimum.

cat’s also taken up muay thai in hopes of both helping her anger and, again, keeping her out of the house. she’s a v busy girl.

wanted connections:

THE BAND, obvs. a bassist and drummer are definitely needed, then maybe a keyboard/synth player. everyone in the band plays an instrument. they’ve been together two years, but it’s possible maybe one or two members have had to leave/have switched with someone else if ur chara is new to town. there should be at least one other core member besides cat tho that’s been there since the start.

HER BOYFRIEND. cat’s linked to isla’s secret, which is that isla has slept with cat’s boyfriend more than once. whether or not these two are more of an on/off thing, or whether they were on a break when it all happened is up to you, but they’re currently together now. they likely won’t stay together since cat isn’t gonna take that shit once she finds out, so if ur worried about being locked into a ship don’t be, or if it goes well and there’s chem maybe they sort shit out, who knows ! i’m happy to go w the flow on this, i just rlly want the damn connection for drama sodmsk.

CHILDHOOD FRIENDS. either family friends or neighbours or people she generally just grew up with? they’d be the best people at dealing with her anger since they’ve handled it for years and i think she’d really appreciate them, even if she doesn’t always show it.

GYM BUDDIES. ofc she does muay thai so like, anyone that either trains with her or just goes to the gym generally to do cardio, weights, etc. she’s probably least angry when doing these things just bc she has an outlet for all of that pent-up energy, so this person probably sees a slightly calmer side to her, the hardworking side not many people notice.

PEOPLE SHE WORKS WITH. jfc does this girl stop? the answer is no. anyway, she has a weekend job at a local car garage helping fix stuff up, so it’s simple, gimme people she works with pls!!!

[amethystblack]

I've got a question, I messaged you quite awhile ago telling you that you were an inspiration to me as a closeted trans girl. I was curious as to how you started on your journey for all of it, it seems quite overwhelming at first. You don't have to answer this publicly if you don't want to ^.^

well, I don't mind... of course there's always that veil of anxiety in talking about this kind of thing, but i don't really believe in keeping quiet about that kind of thing, especially if it could help someone else.

so... how i started on a journey. well, i wonder...

to tell the truth, i wasn't really responsible about it at first. i was already in university by the time i realized this was something i needed to do. i'd done enough research to understand that it's hard to reverse many effects of T-- so i felt like the younger i started the better. i was always getting older, and therefore i felt like, i was always getting worse (as in, more masculine). the pressure was on. i had been very lucky to be able to pass, in terms of both appearance and voice, even before treatment, but i was worried the longer i waited the more of that i would lose (and i think i wasn't wrong. the last year before i started felt... especially harsh).

of course to start hrt you gotta get approved by a therapist, and gosh, that can take forever, you know? if it happened at all. the process was certainly daunting, and i'm historically not the best at talking about myself anyway. plus money... i really wasn't keen on the matter. i didn't think i had that kind of time. so, i was referred to a certain website of questionable legality where i could order hormones for myself. rather impulsively, i went for it.

i didn't want to tell my parents. i didn't want to tell my family. i didnt think they'd understand. if it meant being happier with myself, i'd resolved to just cut them off entirely anyway. i'd find a place to move out to, i thought, by the time that effects started showing. i'd make it work. this was naive.

and in the first place, it never had a chance because my mom actually intercepted the package i ordered when it arrived-- apparently a box from new zealand is out the ordinary??? nonsense. anyway i was super evasive about it and made up some lie to cover it and she made me send it back and i was a Sad. in retrospect, this was probably a good thing. the friend who had referred me to that site got in some trouble for it later on and wasn't able to transition fully... i sincerely think that that is a major component of why she chose to take her own life.

my girlfriend at the time was pretty critical in the matter. i had actually told her some time in the past-- which lead to her breaking up with me. eventually we got back together and she was an irreplacable support for me. especially as i was first transitioning, she lent me a lot of clothes and helped me shop for other ones, which was huge for the sake of getting me started.

eventually i had to accept the fact that i'd have to at least tell my mom if i wanted things to work out. she had always told me she'd support me if i was gay-- but this was a bit different. i didnt think she'd be ready for it. i wasn't wrong. when i finally came out to her i was able to in no small part because my girlfriend was there with me. my mother didn't really take it well at first. she started crying-- and saying some less than helpful things. but it became clear that she was mostly concerned for my safety above all else... in the weeks following she did some reading on the matter and came around to it fairly well. i was surprised.

my girlfriend and i eventually broke up. the bottom line was i was way too uncomfortable with myself to continue being intimate, and that didn't work for her. it was a nasty break, but the harsh end encouraged me to just go full time. i'd seen that i wasn't going to be happy with myself otherwise. but i had a year and so of classes in uni left, and i was -all- kinds of nervous about it. the advantage that i had was that for the past 2-3 years, i had talked to barely anyone on campus at all. i had been really uncomfortable with myself, so i just avoided everyone... meaning nobody knew me. i wouldn't have to worry about being recognized at all.

... except for by those from my on-campus job. although i knew my employers were the type who would have supported me, our clients were the type who absolutely would not have-- so i made the choice to withdraw. i found a job at a tea shoppe in my neighborhood instead. it was family owned and i made sure the owner supported me beforehand. i often felt out of place there-- but it may have just been the dysphoria (and my boss, despite being supportive, was a very Intense person which totally didnt help at all)... nevertheless, it got me through.

thanks to that, i was able to afford therapy. i found therapists known specifically for gender therapy just so i could get the letter to a physician to approve HRT. i picked the closest one and started meeting with her ASAP. i was really more interested in the letter than actual treatment there, but even so for the most part, i found that i just needed to answer honestly and it worked out fine. the therapist had some key points to ensure before approving me-- first, that i had experience living full time. check. second, that i could come out to my family-- not so check.

she and my mom eventually convinced me to come out to my grandmother, and my father. i felt the rest of the family would be fairly "sure, whatever" about it, but those were the two i was most worried about. i came out to them both by email. my grandmother is a classic right wing christian-born trump-supporting ol' gal, and she is also very particular about how she prefers people and matters of the family to be. ...but defying all expectation, she accepted it without any hesitation, and expressed some amount of disappointment that I didn't feel like I could trust or rely on her for that kind of thing in the first place. So okay, point taken. To this day she still struggles with remembering to use the correct pronouns, but we have kind of a running joke with it... at one point she messed up and she was just like "oh! shucks, just call me Harold." misgender for misgender i guess. still awkward when it's in public-- but kind of funny, and i know she means well.

then there was my father. his initial response to my email was basically a brief paragraph refuting the reasons i'd justified being trans with, and telling me why, in psychological terms, they probably were not actually the case. but frankly that was about what i expected. he and i have been rather distant, and he was not the most accepting or open kind of person in the first place. later that summer we met for the usually one time per year we typically get to see each other. he asked me what i wanted for my birthday. i told him that the only thing i wanted was for him accept me for who i was. he got me a 3DS instead.

but he eventually quietly came around though, i think. to tell the truth intimate discussions are not something we really have so it's hard for me to know his true feelings-- but at the least he goes along with it.

then there were just classes. i hadn't changed my legal name yet so i was still on the roster with some wrong information. so on the first day of class, i pulled each teacher aside and explained my situation to them. the campus policies were in my favor, so they had to oblige when i asked them to refer to me appropriately. fortunately they all seemed very understanding about the matter. i'm lucky to live in a city like this after all. i was able to reach out to other students a little more that year. at the least, i had a few people i could have considered friends, even if i never saw them out of class. but avoidant habits are hard to break. in the end, i graduated without making any lasting connections from university. i would chose not to walk at my graduation ceremony, for the obvious reason.

at some point during that school year my therapist finally approved me to transition. god bless. after reviweing the options i decided to get my hormones from planned parenthood. did you know planned parenthood offers transitioning hormones??? i sure didn't. anyway pls no defunderino thx.

and then i found something out-- i was under the impression that, of course, i wouldn't be able to have biological kids after surgery, but i had not known that HRT would rule that out as well. i wasn't really sure if i wanted to-- and even now i'm ambivalent. but i figured i should leave the door open for it. so despite being approved, i paused everything and took some time and a lot of money dear god what, to store cells for the future in case i ever do decide i want kids. that ended up taking frankly way too long. when it was over with i jumped back on that HRTrain ASAP.

the process of changing names was... tedious, and drawn out, but ultimately unremarkable. there were various forms to fill out and turn in and state regulations, fees, gotta visit this office except jk that's the wrong one try this one except jk that's the wrong one too try this one except jk does this office even actually exist???? and eventually i had to stand in front of a judge and hope he approved it. he took one look at the forms and approved it without even announcing the reason (as i saw him do for other people there) so that was really considerate of him. i was ready with like a full essay in defense, but in the end it was totally okay.

as for the HRT... i mentioned before i felt like i was always getting worse, you know, right? of course due to the nature of hormones, after i started taking them it would be a couple weeks before they kicked in... but it was an immediate improvement for me. from the first night, it completely turned around. everything was getting worse-- no. from then on, it was always going to get better.

oh... and there was one more place i forgot i had to come out to... reborn. people online always "mistook" me for a girl anyway, and that was always a huge compliment to me. so i think a lot of people weren't really surprised. the most awkward thing was actually... my in-game character. the game was already four episodes in or so and i had just used my generic custom trainer sprite from the site generator before for the intro... haha, it's a little silly, but for a long time i had just been editing it a little bit by bit to make it more feminine. it was a little too long before i actually completely replaced it.

...anyway, that was the start of things. beyond long-winded, but hopefully some of it can help somehow. honestly before and after transitioning is really like night and day, so hang in there. i promise it'll be worth it, and you'll surprise yourself in ways you'd never expect.

[lubdubsworld]

“You told me it felt good, saying it out loud. So maybe the next time, you feel angry… you can say that out loud. I’m feeling angry. Try saying it. Sometime just that can help dissipate the intensity of it. And the same goes for your attraction to her as well.”

This is similar to what I do when any of my emotions get too overwhelming for me (saying it out loud) and yes, it helps so much. So happy to see you mention it here 🥺

“you don’t have to get over it. Just as Jungkook is allowed to feel angry…you are too.”

I'm really glad that Heejin is getting to rearrange her thoughts and perspectives here too, as in, to take care of herself and heal herself. Can't wait to see how she develops 💖

“Yes. Pain from loss can be that way. I like to think of it as a window in your bedroom. You never know where it is. It keeps popping up and opening at random times. Fills you with cold and dread and a lot of pain. It stays open as long as it wants and closes on its own. But as time passes, it gets smaller…the cold is less severe ….the door stays open for shorter duration until one day it isn’t really there anymore.”

I'm 🥺🥺 Taehyung is being such a good friend too. I mean, yes he is Jungkook's therapist but I love how he's helping Heejin navigate her emotions. Love this.

“Jungkook’s learning to cope with his grief, Heejin. He is a good guy. Very unlike the alphas I meet. Incredibly compassionate and full of love…. That’s why his grief is so strong…. He has so much love to give and it has nowhere to go, and he feels helpless …Grief is just love with nowhere to go… .  it spills over as anger and tears and bitterness….. It’s not my place to say this and I would probably hate myself for saying this but I hope…you won’t shut yourself off to the possibility of a future with him. Beyond this contract that is.”

Taehyung caring for Jungkook, not just as a patient but as a friend shows so clearly here. Also, the part about Jungkook being full of love is so wholesome 😔🥰 "Grief is just love with nowhere to go" I think I died here a little. You are such an amazing writer, it makes me wanna scream and send you that very message every. single. day. 💕

It wasn’t I’m hurt or I’m sad or I’m upset…

It was I’m hurt now…but I won’t be , someday.

I’m sad now but I’m going to find joy someday…

I’m upset now but someday, I won’t be….

Jungkook needs me now, but someday… he won’t.

I may or may not have cried here. Please, this is breaking my heart but I am loving it. I'm officially declaring a screaming session for how amazing the main characters in this series are 📢

No, but seriously. Ma'am, let me send you all the hugs and kisses pls 🤧 This chapter was so good, it was a small therapy session almost.

Jungkook's development is making me dizzy with happiness. So happy he's trying to make his own decisions consciously without letting his emotions overpower him into anything forcefully. He's taking charge and I'm here for it.

My heart is breaking for Heejin. She seems torn between choosing Jungkook who makes her feel so much and Yoongi who let's her be herself and relax.

I love Yoongi. He's being one of her support pillars through the difficult times and not to mention, him crushing on her for years 🤧 I feel bad for him because I'm rooting for Jungkook too 😭

Yugyeom getting his ass handed by none other than Kook- we love to see it.

Taehyung being the therapist and friend we all need. What a character. Loved his conversations with them both.

In other news, the smut at the end *wiggles eyebrows* I just-

The point is- I LOVED THIS CHAPTER AND IM SO THANKFUL TO YOU BCS YOU'RE TOO GOOD 🥺💖

PS- I'm extremely sorry for this adrenaline and dopamine induced word vomit :(

This chapter was a joy to write....

Therapy can be such a terrifying thing but with the right therapist it can do wonder 🥺🥺🥺👉👈

I'm really hoping that anyone in pain who reads this fic will consider reaching out to someone for help because there is really no shame or weakness in doing that.....

The reason I picked Jungkook himself was because he's often seen as this incredibly put together, super talented guy with a great support system and you see even in the fic he's like that...he has money , he has a fulfilling career and he has a great support system....

But he still needed the therapy.... It was definitely cathartic watching him get the help he needed...the characters in this fic haave become so real to me...😭😭😭😭😭😭😭