#someone make an edit of him showing up to the train station with the canon event music PLZ

[r0semultiverse]

Is Ablrecht Entrati hopping through space-time to ensure he becomes The Man In The Wall?

Making sure canon events happen ever since (or even before) 1999?

[snezenie]

utsugi and minoru: the divorce manifesto

longform analysis about noriyuki utsugi and minoru harada's relationship, as i see it. there's a lot of room for interpretation in their relationship, so of course these are my thoughts only.

contains spoilers for the full series.

word count: ~7,800

outline: i. the completion of each other ii. a deep and mutual understanding iii. the emphasis of their cruelty iv. the concealment of their kindness v. family and cycles vi. other allusions vii. conclusion

part one: equality and lack there of

1a. utsugi-kun, did you fuck my wife?

'jealousy' is a big theme with these two— generally in the context of utsugi's interactions with rai and hajime, as described by minoru.

their interpersonal relationships are the greatest source of their conflicts, as is clear with all their arguing and sniping at one another in the base game. there are two clear 'pairs' that become intertwined with one another: rai and minoru, and hajime and utsugi.

utsugi is someone who finally felt needed, the only thing he’d ever wanted, and then it's slowly taken from him as hajime becomes less willing to depend on utsugi. utsugi had uprooted his entire life to follow hajime, and he considers hajime's life and happiness to be his sole goal in life. it's natural to become agitated when it starts to become obvious that he might be unnecessary.

minoru states in the base game that utsugi is jealous of him, and that in some way minoru seems to have occupied that role as someone that hajime does depend on. but is this true?

utsugi never mentions that he thinks hajime likes minoru more, or that he's jealous of minoru in his monologues. these plain descriptions of his inner thoughts are some of the only things about him that can be taken completely at face value, there's no reason to act to his own self. he mentions his various grievances with minoru, so why does jealous never come up?

utsugi isn't jealous of minoru, that's why. minoru wants them to have a symmetrical relationship, something easily explained: utsugi has what i want, but i have what utsugi wants. so naturally i am jealous of utsugi and utsugi must be jealous of me.

(this is a work in progress edit i'll come back to, but i just wanted to edit out that utsugi was jealous of minoru because it has little canon backing and i think it's incorrect. i stopped edits here and will process the rest of the essay later)

a similar situation happens with minoru’s family: utsugi is more of a father to haruki than minoru was, and minoru explicitly recognizes this a few times. utsugi helps haruki with homework, calls him a good boy, and they sit together and sip juice. in contrast, minoru can hardly talk to haruki without losing his temper.

his complicated feelings towards utsugi and haruki's relationship are clearly illustrated in his outburst in the train station, where he frantically tells haruki that he is his father, not hajime or utsugi. his final actions speak to the fact that he did want to continue to act as haruki’s father, and yet his own fears and selfishness won out, burying those feelings. 

the same unnatural setup can be observed in the complicated way rai, minoru, and utsugi’s relationship develops. rai makes multiple choices to the detriment of the family in order to stay on utsugi’s good side and appease him, and minoru himself is kept in the dark about haruki long past when utsugi understands everything. this creates a feeling of isolation from his own family, and utsugi manages to ‘replace’ him wholly in some ways, where both haruki and rai are placing higher importance on their relationship with utsugi than they do minoru. minoru shows keen awareness in retrospect that he was more deeply in love with rai than she was with him, likely adding to this insecurity.

hajime’s importance to utsugi is clear-cut, as the one who brought purpose and light to his life for the first time. while the isoi’s importance to minoru is underlined by the mundanity of his ambitions. he wants to be happy, he wants a family and friends, he wants for everyone to get along. there is no grand higher purpose for minoru. this desire for a mundane, happy family is possibly inspired by his original orphaning, where both parents blamed minoru in part for their issues before leaving his life entirely.

and relating to minoru's upbring, there are also multiple points in the game where the concept of affairs and cheating comes up, strengthening the existing concept of jealousy and insecurities within marriage. most prominently, minoru questions if utsugi likes rai in the reference room scene of DLC. to utsugi, to the viewer, to rai, this sounds like complete laughable nonsense. but minoru seems to ask it seriously, showing the depths to which he has started to question his importance to his family. it’s emphasized that he wasn’t merely asking this in jest when utsugi laughs in response and minoru seems confused by the reaction. 

further references include that it comes up that both the harada and isoi families previously had incidents with their mothers cheating, shown as a symptom of the crumbling marriage. and again, minoru brings up an affair when affirming that haruki is his kid to hajime in a flashback scene in chapter 7 of the base game. (“unless rai had an affair! it's unmistakably my child!!”)

minoru’s feelings about rai and utsugi are never addressed as explicitly as minoru’s feelings about haruki and fatherhood, but this concept has come up too many times to be mere coincidence. minoru probably, at least momentarily in times of insecurity or irrationality, considered the idea that rai and utsugi might have something between them. considering how obvious utsugi’s single-minded devotion to hajime is (and minoru knew this!), it is a rather insane leap of logic. but minoru doesn't tend to make smart decisions, especially under duress. many of his ill-fated decisions in game are led by his human fallibility. most prominently, he misses his window to escape with haruki and reiji in 1999 because he goes back to sleep after receiving the text to move up the plan.

he wasn't ignorant or blind to utsugi’s devotion to hajime, it's just that his own insecurity, jealousy, and confusion over utsugi’s sudden changes in attitude bred hesitant, impossible possibilities in his mind. he has been so completely replaced in importance to both his wife and his son, his family being the only thing he ever wanted, that he doesn't know how to cope with it.

both minoru and utsugi’s most important relationships are fraught with insecurity over the other, and thus we can see how they complete what the other longs for. utsugi slots into the isoi family naturally as minoru’s relationships with his wife and son splinters. while minoru shows hajime a simple way to live happily and without expectations, utsugi continuing to unsuccessfully execute on what he believes are hajime’s wishes, ultimately just burdening hajime further.

1b. the one who knew everything and the one who knew nothing

their positions of power and authority mirror each other in similar ways: utsugi is clearly jealous of minoru’s apparent easy, unburdened existence while minoru wishes for the power utsugi has.

utsugi's complex is shown best when utsugi responds to minoru in the reference room: describing his demeanor as selfish, disrespectful, and ignorant. he's frustrated that minoru can continue living obliviously, even as utsugi himself is the one facilitating this state as he keeps minoru in the dark about many things. as an aside, utsugi also adds ‘without malice’ to the end of this description, showing how he knows that minoru is not purposely staying ignorant and riling up utsugi with his apparent carelessness. 

at the same time, minoru is also feeling the stress and problems of the failing institute and his own crumbling family. it’s not inaccurate to call minoru ignorant, but utsugi exaggerates the depth to which minoru doesn’t understand. minoru repeatedly calls out the problems and failings he clearly sees, even, but he lacks the power to execute any real change. as an example, he calls for the removal of utsugi and the recognition of the crimes of the institute in the scene where utsugi orders him to leave, and no one takes him seriously.

to bring it full circle, utsugi is the one who holds the power and authority to act on solutions to minoru’s concerns. he also has all the information and understanding that minoru lacks on multiple people close to him, including hajime, utsugi himself, and his family. he stands as the archbishop of EHRI and the main executor of hajime’s will, so it is utsugi who is pushing EHRI chiefly along its dark path. for the most part hajime takes the role of a passive observer, minoru is an outsider, and all the other bishops answer to utsugi, who answers to the sponsors.

to further explore how that difference in status and authority shapes their dynamic, minoru’s status as an outsider establishes him as more equal to utsugi than anyone else in the game. the previously talked through mutual jealousy and give-and-take relationship between them supports this, putting them on the equal level of both having things of value to each other. 

in thinking through utsugi’s other close relationships, it's obvious to think of hajime first. of course, utsugi is revealed to never have bought into hajime’s status as a savior. but even then he treats hajime with a carefulness and fragility that keeps their relationship from being one of mutual reliance and equal footing. he doesn't feel he can tell hajime of his struggles due to his devotion to appearing as an infallible support for hajime.

hajime aside, most everyone else in EHRI (excluding seodore, minoru, and some of the other sponsors/stakeholders) sees utsugi in the highest position of power and authority. he builds a powerful persona, and gradually we see the other members of EHRI call him ‘utsugi-sama’ more so than ‘utsugi-kun,’ showing his evolution into someone who is no longer equal and approachable to the others. meanwhile, minoru never changes the honorific, and even wishes to drop it entirely, but utsugi insists on it due to his upbringing. 

that minoru has neither bought into utsugi's persona (perhaps because he remembers how utsugi was when they first met: awkward, unconfident, reticent,) nor is a worshiper that utsugi has direct power over, nor a sponsor with direct influence over utsugi means he sees things more clearly. he exists somewhere completely outside the power structure of EHRI, where he can see utsugi for who he is.

many of the other researchers we see (the enomotos, rai) don’t seem to quite be unaware of how utsugi is deteriorating, but they do seem to not have the mental capacity to do anything when their own problems are consuming them. rai in particular explicitly struggles with feeling the need to please utsugi, which places them in an unequal, vertical relationship where she cannot speak her true mind or ask him to depend on her.

1c. love languages  

they invert each other in ways of taking action and expressing themselves: utsugi’s motivations and care are impactful, but quite silent and unsaid, while minoru talks loudly without being able to back it up with action. 

minoru calls out that utsugi cared for those around him when he could (when it didn’t conflict with hajime’s will) and with a little investigating, the viewer can also pick up on this notion. subtle things like utsugi allowing noa to blame him for killing rai, when the clear culprits of rai’s death were always seodore and noa herself. or that utsugi tried to create an exit for the isoi family both by proposing the plan of a second child and by using haruki to research the reversal of cells. and most pertinently to this post: that utsugi is so jealous and angry of minoru’s constant ignorance, but refrains from harming him, even purposely keeping him in the darkness for minoru’s own happiness. 

utsugi only ties his own hands when caring for others would directly interfere with hajime’s wishes, which gives rise to things like haruki’s original existence as an experiment (as a note, even then hajime’s regret of this situation may have played into utsugi’s willingness to reverse it.)

but even then, he does his best to play around the lines and shows reluctance in carrying out harm. this is illustrated best by how, in one of his dlc monologues, he wanted haruki to have a negative reaction to the cells. this puts EHRI out a potential experiment, arguably hurting hajime’s dream. but a negative reaction would keep utsugi from having to navigate the potential situation of a positive reaction, which would surely be difficult for the isoi family. in most, if not all of these situations, utsugi's thoughts and actions are not seen as mercies by anyone involved. utsugi never presents them this way, nor does he ever asks for gratitude from the people he helps.

we can similarly see utsugi’s silent affection for and remembrance of minoru persist until modern day, with several hints in the base game about their relationship. utsugi holds onto minoru’s books, keeping them in a backroom without disposing of them. the room behind utsugi’s statue is also minoru’s old room from before he was married, and not only does utsugi preserve it, but he blocks it off so no one would enter it. it can be confirmed as minoru's room when hajime reads a note from minoru in the room in a flashback in the base game, as well as the shape and set-up being the same when it appears in minoru's dlc. the furniture in it is likely different from minoru’s room in the flashbacks because he took his furniture with him after he moved out with the isoi family, but it has not been repurposed.

utsugi also clearly remembers many things about minoru– his demeanor, how his sign feels, his appearance– and uses all these to easily identify reiji and haruki as his sons. when he’s blinded in his boss fight, he remembers how minoru’s sign ‘feels’ enough to believe that he is fighting him (when it is in actuality his sons.) with utsugi’s deteriorating mental state after 1999, it would’ve been natural for utsugi to forget minoru inadvertently or on purpose, but it seems like he makes a conscious effort to remember his friend after their split. 

to compare their mindsets, utsugi is extremely private and single-minded. he decides on things with little hesitation, and never ruminates on what could have been or what went wrong until everything is over and done. this is best illustrated in how we never see him breathe a negative word of hajime until they both lay dying.

he also insists on having no regrets, even when the only audience to his words is his own self. this is clearly contradicted when he shows clear distress and desire to start over multiple times, most clearly in his second fight with minoru in 1999 and in the reference room scene. but in asserting to himself that he has no regret, he can better stay focused on what really matters instead of wallowing in the past. 

minoru is the opposite, being someone who talks a lot about what is wrong and what he wants to do, but either can’t or won’t take action. he is unable to commit to the same decisive choices as utsugi. 

in the case of can’t take action, his status as an outsider keeps him from enacting real change in EHRI, even as he points out its flaws repeatedly and loudly. he has no real power and thus his words are all he has.

in the case of won’t, it is shown best in the reference room scene with utsugi. minoru is angrily insistent that utsugi confide further in him and help him understand his situation and struggles, but he only maintains this sentiment up to a point. utsugi pushes back hard, feeling that minoru’s words are useless and would not help him. ironically, this proves true as minoru swiftly backs down from his previous words after utsugi starts choking him. of course, it’s understandable to be afraid or want to escape this situation, but it shows a clear line where minoru will go back upon his word when pushed past. 

in contrast, utsugi lacks this same bottom line. he is subjected to many counts of violence and pain while fulfilling his promise to hajime, but doesn’t ever think of giving up on their promise. utsugi avoids lying to others in the beginning (possibly as a side effect from the pain of being accused of being a liar in his youth when he was telling the truth) and he prefers silence over promising anything he cannot.

he becomes much more comfortable lying and acting a role as time goes on, but in the 70’s and 80’s his word is trustable. one solid example is how, in 1999 in the train station, he refuses to promise anyone’s safety to noa besides hajime’s, despite her pleas. as someone who tried to treat others well, it would make sense to lie to her to put her fears to rest, but utsugi refuses to speak untrue promises.

this difference in conviction is also what respectively saves and dooms them. it’s merely possible that if minoru had committed to taking action and causing change that he could have saved his friends and family at EHRI; however, it is unmistakable and undeniable that his ability to walk away is what actually saves him. utsugi similarly is capable/able of walking out, especially in 1999 when the organization is in shambles, but his intense conviction and loyalty to hajime holds him back and ultimately takes him to his ruin. 

in a game very centrally about the power of ‘will’ this feels significant and should be a good thing, but under a different lens it can also be seen as a passive role. utsugi never tries to re-assess his and hajime’s wishes and change his path to fit a more accurate dream. he never has the courage to abandon his doomed love to pursue a new one, whereas you can say that minoru does find that courage, to great success in ultimately finding his place with LDL.

part two: the one who understood me the best

while minoru and utsugi’s relationship is not free of the facades, misunderstandings, and miscommunications that color so many relationships in this series, there is a deep understanding between them. perhaps brought about by the clarity of existing as equals. 

utsugi explicitly calls out that minoru understood him the most in the end, and even as their relationship was in tatters, minoru is the only character utsugi confides in of his own free will. all other confessions of truth and struggles we get from utsugi are either done privately or inadvertently. he willingly tells seodore of his devotion to hajime, but it lacks the same desperation and vulnerability as utsugi hasn't had to kill and experiment on others yet.

utsugi’s understanding of minoru in turn is a less clear cut subject, due to the fact that minoru is more of an open book in general, and more characters know his pain. the position of understanding utsugi is a unique one, but multiple people empathize with minoru.

minoru speaks sardonically to cover up his stress and puts on a happy facade a lot of the time, but it’s still far from how deep utsugi has isolated himself. minoru at the least confides in multiple people and is more willing to confront issues directly in order to draw out a solution. 

their understanding of each other is not a perfect understanding, and this series shows well how difficult it is to achieve a perfect understanding while possessing all the natural baggage of communicating and existing. so these two inevitably misunderstand several key things about each other. their relationship is one of two people who understand each other the 'most', but this understanding still falls quite short of perfection.

utsugi himself seems to fall for minoru’s apparent happy/care-free facade, as discussed earlier. utsugi isn’t ignorant to the issues of the isoi family, considering how much he does behind the scenes to patch things up for them (getting rai to have a second kid and leave, wanting haruki to have a negative reaction are two solid ones, and there are more actions that can be debatably attributed to the same motive) but he still doesn’t think minoru understands the gravity of his and utsugi’s situations. it’s true, in a sense, that minoru has deeply false impressions of/has been withheld information of characters like hajime, utsugi, and rai. but utsugi over-emphasizes minoru’s ignorance and carefreeness, since he is seeing it in direct contrast to his own heavy burdens. 

these two only begin to approach the deep and near-perfect understanding of each other when they hit bottom together in 1999.

2a. their mutual suffering

minoru gives up any sort of facade after the events of 1999, he’s lost everything and desires nothing anymore, so there’s no need to pretend. utsugi sees this and even directly brings this change about with how cruelly and falsely he presents minoru with the trashbags (representing rai and reiji’s remains, but there was nothing in them.)

in my opinion, it can be read that utsugi’s cruelty here was a rather malicious attempt to finally bring minoru to ‘reality’ and see his oblivious facade drop (except, it wasn’t a facade to utsugi) for his own reasons. reasons of disliking seeing him smiling all the time, reasons of wanting them to share in mutual misery, reasons of wanting him to understand the full situation, any of them or multiple could work here.

the end result is the same, utsugi finally gets the satisfaction of seeing minoru taking something ‘seriously.’ and he understands that minoru too is capable of pain.

their mutual understanding is high at this point; that both of them reach rock bottom at the same time is significant. they lose the people who are most important to them at the same time, and struggle with finding their new purpose and reason to live. minoru walks away, and utsugi continues with the same path as always. the consequences of this are clearly shown when minoru finds happiness and a new family but utsugi just falls deeper into his lies and violence. 

they fight twice in 1999: the first time is with fists, the most human and least lethal force they possess. they do injure each other (utsugi leaving sanemitsu’s famous and enduring head scar here) but it is a deeply human scene: both of them ineffectually lashing out in their misery at someone who had little immediate causation of their pain.

the series has established that man-made things like guns and fists are ‘more human’ and ‘honorable’ (through jabuchi’s own ruminations on how he wanted to kill his coworkers and nina) whereas using empyrean abilities is ‘monstrous.’ minoru mentions this is the only time he sees utsugi use his fists, and that this is the most desperate and human he's ever seen utsugi. 

but that first fight is the part where utsugi brings minoru down to ‘reality’ by presenting him with the apparent remains of his wife and only surviving son, and we don’t see the full extent of utsugi’s regret and turmoil until the second fight. 

utsugi’s motives for saving, confining, and later chasing and fighting minoru in 1999 feel ambiguous, the best clues we have are a set of lines right before the conclusion of their fight. utsugi laments the state minoru has ended up in, going on to doubt his own humanity and then lament the feelings minoru left him with.

utsugi makes reference to still being human, and killing minoru while he still maintains that humanity. how i interpreted these was utsugi believing that he may lose control to the cells in the future, and wanting to kill minoru ‘as a human’ if he were to die regardless. notably, this again mirrors jabuchi’s plans, that there is honor and respect in being killed by human means. it also implies that he didn't think escape was an option for minoru, inevitably thinking he'll stay in the institute, alive or dead.

one of the most important points of the whole conflict is at the end when utsugi implies that— aside from hajime's happiness— there was one more thing he desired. he wasn't supposed to value his relationship with minoru to this extent, but he acknowledges that he did want it, even as they beat each other bloody. not even utsugi's positive feelings can stand in the way of his yearning for mutual understanding, and his cruelty towards minoru is unreserved in 1999.

to bring this back to the main point, it shows further the ill effects of misunderstanding in their relationship. minoru’s misunderstanding of utsugi’s situation sews rifts in their friendship and their ultimate split, while utsugi’s misunderstanding of minoru brings him to his lowest point in life, where even death is a preferred alternative. 

to return back and cover what minoru misunderstands with utsugi, it is another thing that is laid out quite explicitly, as it leads to their falling out. minoru never puzzled out why utsugi was so insistent in the way he treated hajime as a ‘star’ and rather took it at face value that utsugi had no ulterior motive.

in reality, it was an act utsugi put on for what he believed was hajime’s own benefit, but minoru couldn’t begin to comprehend that. his own viewpoint was that it benefits hajime to think of himself as human, and he thinks of this as an obvious conclusion. there is a fundamental disconnect in both how minoru understands utsugi’s mindset here, and also in how minoru understands and treats hajime, who he similarly doesn’t understand fully. 

the other key misunderstanding is that it is dubious if minoru figures out the reason utsugi’s attitude towards him changed. his theories include things like utsugi was jealous (partially true) or utsugi was upset at hajime’s poor state (partially true) or that utsugi liked rai romantically (wholly false).

it is my opinion that the (largest, but not only) reason utsugi distanced himself from minoru was because of the reveal of the existence of factors. he may have believed that furthering their relationship was ill-fated, as he was warned of on the phone by mari orie. he also may have lost faith in the authenticity of their friendship, as shown by his thoughts in 1999, where he panics that they only feel positively towards each other because of the effect of factors. 

minoru both knew about factors (unclear to me as to when exactly in the timeline he understands they affect reality and weren’t just something kazaru used for fiction) and that utsugi was researching them, but it seems doubtful to me that he put it together before he leaves EHRI for good. later on, he may have belatedly understood. 

2b. the understanding they reached in the end

this also is a reoccurring thought in their relationship– the belated realizations. as covered earlier, 1999 is the point where they know each other best and the last time they see each other. minoru sees utsugi’s memories by using the power of the pen, and finally understands the events that lead to this point. directly after, utsugi tells him to leave forever. things have proceeded beyond the point of intervention, and it seems that any action taken now cannot undo the massive upheaval that has already taken place. 

it’s also possibly notable that the only way minoru was able to understand utsugi totally was because of the power of the pen. he had to directly see utsugi’s memories, it was never possible for the truth to come directly from utsugi’s own mouth. this adds to the broken communication between humans, where things are easily muddled by intentions and words. only when treating utsugi as a character to be ‘read’ does minoru truly understand him. 

this ending may feel like it points to saying that the furthering of their understanding was all for nothing, but it comes back into play sixteen years later.

their relationship had long fallen into complete nothingness, and yet minoru is the one utsugi trusts with his final wish, a final happiness for a man meeting a pathetic end. their understanding of each other did nothing to save their relationship in life, but it leaves minoru as the only one who can remember utsugi closest to how he was in reality.

in turn, minoru is the key to how we, as the viewer, also get to understand utsugi beyond all his lies, acts, and facades. it’s heavily implied that minoru has a hand in constructing the narrative of the entire series, and especially of dlc, for which is named after him.

to give some more evidence to that point, the main support is drawn from the 'truth only i know' book by code:dante (sanemitsu) that is readable after completing S+ in a new game. in the book he refers to a 'record,' reminiscent of 'the records of sanemitsu isoi' (the title of dlc) where the truth is told. and he says that if there is something only he knows, that he can tell that truth through fiction.

the 'truth' we learn in dlc heavily depends on utsugi's arc. we learn new things about all the characters, but none of them were concealing their true self to the extent that utsugi was. they all had other people who understood the truth about them, and only utsugi could say that sanemitsu was the only person who ever fully understood him.

utsugi also directly asks sanemitsu to write his story as a final parting wish, and indeed the way his story is told follows that last wish. he is an evil villain in the base game, easy to condemn and forget, and this irredeemable and unsympathetic person is how he wanted to be remembered. in the forking paths scene, he says that it's alright to think of him as a villain and not acknowledge that he had human emotions too.

dlc contradicts this completely, so how can it still be said that sanemitsu honors his wish? the way i see it, there were plenty of people who played the base game but not dlc. the separation of these two stories ensures that some people will never see utsugi as sympathetic. sanemitsu couldn't stand to let the truth die with him, but he could leave enough breathing room so that utsugi's last wish would be fufilled somewhere, with someone.

part three: unintentional cruelty, emphasized by the narrative

tying into both the failed good intentions of their actions and whether their will or lack thereof affected their relationship, there are multiple interesting ways in which they are unintentionally cruel to each other within the confines of their own relationship. 

one of the strongest examples we see is that utsugi digs up minoru’s insecurities in the process of trying to help him. starting with kazaru’s suicide note, minoru has been impressed with the idea that his very existence was a mistake, and he should not have been born. utsugi pushes him away in the end, telling him the only thing he can do for utsugi is to disappear and leave.

in a way, this is a kindness as it is an escape route for minoru from the sinking ship that is EHRI. but simultaneously, it is one of the cruelest ways utsugi can show ‘goodwill.’ it compounds upon kazaru’s original idea, directly pointing to the conclusion that minoru’s very existence is what causes utsugi distress, and thus there are no possible actions minoru can take to help utsugi besides disappearing. it doesn’t feel like a positive or honorable action due to minoru also being the root of the problem when framed like this. 

the previous sections already cover how much utsugi is intentionally cruel to minoru, from specifically digging up anything he can to hurt minoru in 1999 to intentionally sabotaging their relationship without discussion. but the 'solution' that utsugi offers minoru is unique in that it doesn't seem to be aware of how much it will hurt minoru.

i’ve discussed a few times already that minoru fails utsugi in the reference room scene, but it feels particularly cruel due to the uniqueness of the situation. it’s the first and only time utsugi directly reaches out for help, possibly ever, and he has nothing to show for it. minoru’s ultimate failure to deliver in that situation only heavily reinforces to utsugi the uselessness of depending on others. 

utsugi wishes for reciprocity, that he should be able to offer value to anyone else in the way that he already desires value and affection from other people. it stems from his childhood, that children naturally want love and attention from their parents. that he didn't recieve that leads him to believe that if he is 'useful' to someone (unlike how he was useless to his family) then they might love him back. his grandpa is a key example of this, loving utsugi only because of his birthday, which made him useful to rangiri's delusions.

utsugi’s final plea to minoru in the reference room is “if you’re willing to do everything for me-,” which feels reminiscent of what utsugi has already promised hajime (to stay by his side until they both die, it is all of his life, everything.) utsugi could promise everything to a stranger in distress, and he wishes (impossibly) that minoru could do the same for him.

in a sense, the sentiment of ‘save me’ in that scene already indicates that utsugi has been previously failed by hajime. the original dialogue he shares with hajime (that he clearly remembers and references even many years later) includes the idea that hajime will save everyone, and utsugi will save hajime. since utsugi still feels he needs saving, it means hajime has not been able to deliver on his side of the previous sentiment. minoru’s avoiding and diminishing of utsugi’s worries and the title of the scene being ‘the hand i failed to take’ show minoru as also clearly failing in this respect. 

and yet, similarly to utsugi, minoru’s cruelty had good intentions. maybe there was no good way out of that situation, it certainly seems both that utsugi was unwilling to accept help and minoru unable to provide it. utsugi knows minoru can't help him, and he makes grand demands of minoru as a way of self-sabotage: he knows minoru will never be able to promise everything to him. minoru has a family, and utsugi will never be his first priority.

on another tragic note, utsugi directly pleads to minoru for a way out of his misery, but hasn’t minoru already been showing him the way out? if hajime accepted being human and wanted to live simply, there would be no need to continue the crimes and experiments. minoru influencess hajime to this direction but utsugi directly opposes it, showing how unamenable utsugi is to minoru’s ideas. the reference room situation had no easy or clean solution, and perhaps it saved utsugi some pain with an early disappointment.

the both of them are people who could've helped each other, but didn't have the proper communication skills or ability at the time they crossed paths. in their struggle to save their friendship, they only hurt one another more, itentionally or unintentionally.

the base game hides almost all of the kind side to their cruelty, they're barely even shown as friends. minoru's friendship innately humanizes utsugi, he's the only utsugi confesses to, fights with, takes out his stress and fears on, all these emotions he buries with anyone else. they're emotions that make him sympathetic and wholly human, and thus something that cannot be learned about utsugi until dlc.

minoru also repeatedly (undeservedly) forgives utsugi for his unkindness. utsugi is responsible for a lot of pain in minoru's life: surrendering haruki to experiments, pushing EHRI down a dark path, violently pushing him out of both EHRI and their own friendship, the list continues on for a long while. and while minoru does resent him at points for how much he's suffered at utsugi's hand, he never stops caring for utsugi.

he says things like he shouldn't have ever considered utsugi a friend, utsugi has gone mad, and they come to blows multiple times. but minoru always caves later, still showing concern for utsugi. after their big fight where minoru leaves EHRI, he asks hajime about utsugi's condition on a visit back. in 1999, after they'd just grievously injured one another, he still laments that utsugi never depended on him.

the way sanemitsu talks about utsugi after EHRI is not said to be happily, sanemitsu says bad things to reiji and reiji is certain sanemitsu believed utsugi hated him. but he doesn't allow roses in his house, and reiji says that sanemitsu seems lonely when discussing utsugi.

by all rights, sanemitsu should have no warm feelings left for utsugi. the way the narrative repeatedly highlights their pain underscores that, but neither of them can let the other go.

part four: genuine kindness, hidden by the narrative

with how much establishing i’ve done of only negative things: cruelty, failures, jealousy, disappointment, it’s easy to think utsugi and minoru had a relationship that was only negative. but, the narrative guides us through it in a rather complex timeline: we start with the middle and the consequences before we see the beginning and ending. 

base game shows their relationship as something fraught with arguments, leading up to their first major falling out where minoru leaves EHRI for the first time and begins to avoid utsugi. there is little shown here that evokes that they had a complicated relationship, it feels like they were simply two people who didn’t get along.

this is somewhat due to all the flashbacks being shown through hajime’s perspective, so that we only see these two as they are around hajime and only while having conversations that concern hajime. the only clues to their relationship being composed of anything beyond two-dimensional mutual animosity is that minoru expresses concern and regret in relation to utsugi in a few brief lines.

throughout dlc, this pattern repeats, and there is no great upheaval in the viewer’s understanding until minoru’s dlc episode. the episodes leading up continue to breadcrumb their true nature, with hints like sanemitsu disliking roses in his house, sanemitsu expressing that utsugi took responsibility for everything while drunk in reiji’s episode, utsugi compliments minoru in rai’s dlc, and they have a few exchanges that are more lighthearted in tone.

minoru’s dlc finally throws the curtain back entirely, where it is fully revealed that, once upon a time, they were true and proper friends. their first meeting is amicable and remarkably normal, utsugi talking to minoru about his reporting and behaving awkwardly about a compliment paid to him. in the following scenes, we see them teasing each other and talking frankly about developments in their lives. utsugi sets up several arrangements for the isoi’s marriage and seems to seriously wish them well.

it couldn’t be more normal, save for utsugi carefully keeping his distance and drawing a line between them in the form of hajime. he seems to like being around minoru, but deflects admitting any personal attachment when questioned, using hajime’s like of minoru instead. this foreshadows just how much he will put hajime above anyone else, even those he also likes, and how he has carefully sculpted his other relationships to fit within that framework in advance. 

of course, he ultimately fails in sectioning minoru out. there are a number of other characters (haruki, noa, etc.) that utsugi is kind to, but he doesn't form the same attachment to them that he does to minoru. in the end, when he's saying his goodbyes, the only people he mentions are minoru and hajime. in 1999, he mentions that minoru was the only thing he wanted in addition to hajime's life. despite his best attempts, he can never let go of his original affection for minoru.

part five: generational yaoi

one of the other biggest things revealed about the relation between minoru and utsugi in dlc is that it spanned multiple generations. the actions of their grandparents caused so many shock waves that the story now actively resists the interaction of the two families. i’ve already touched heavily on the factors of their families: they are certainly the largest reason utsugi abruptly changes, dooming the friendship between him and minoru. the series has lots of commentary on the hereditary way our family shapes us and cycles of behavior, and minoru and utsugi are no exception. 

both utsugi and minoru have intense family issues, coming to shun their family name and legacy in time. but they both carry it forward, regardless.

utsugi leaves his family’s company and doesn’t pursue pharmacy or business leadership in a strict sense, but nevertheless he is a medical researcher and executive in EHRI. ironically, he could not come into his own as a confident leader under the guidance of his family, but he grows into that confidence as he takes control of EHRI. he just needed support and passion to grow into his full potential, something he lacked when his family neglected him.

similarly, minoru breaks from the family tradition of fiction writers to be a reporter. but even then, he shows in DLC that he is preparing to write novels. it fits with his character arc, where reporters passively observe reality but writers actively create it, and he himself is starting to reclaim control and power in his own life. but still, it places him among the company of the many fiction writers of the harada line. sanemitsu also has some measure of control over the narrative and way it is told, shown by his almost certain position in system n.h.. this places his actions as remarkably similar to mutei harada’s designs on manipulating characters and creating stages. 

both minoru and utsugi are haunted by their childhoods, which build up to their issues that cause ruin in their interpersonal relationships. these are issues that are inflicted on them by their parents, utsugi’s parents reinforcing utsugi’s beliefs on isolation and self-dependency, and minoru’s parents showing him how to run away from love and regret being born. and naturally, these beliefs were likely initially formed in turn by how mutei and rangiri treated the next generation. 

they cannot escape the influence of their respective families in that fashion, and also in that they explicitly cling to it for each other. minoru is not actually ‘minoru harada’ in the series for very long, he marries rai isoi early on to become ‘minoru isoi.’ but names are a social thing, and neither hajime nor utsugi let go of the harada surname. that both utsugi and minoru address each other by family name is important, given that they both stand as friends who can use more familiar terms of address and choose not to. their relationship is undeniably shaped by their family history though, and so these names hang over them. 

their relationship is similarly cyclical, where they attempt to break out of their patterns and yet return to them in the end. minoru’s relationships are best shaped by his fear of gaining love and then losing it, thinking it better to not have loved in the first place. utsugi’s relationships are best shaped by inequality, where he is comfortable and used to loving someone more than he receives in turn. 

their relationship starts out subverting this, where utsugi is hesitant in closing the distance with minoru. thus, there is no intense love or connection to be lost, just a mundane friendship with a careful distance. minoru then quickly pushes to be closer, upsetting utsugi’s status quo where he is now not the one who loves more. the lack of anything to lose gives minoru confidence to keep arguing with and pursuing utsugi, even as their mundane friendship melts into animosity, something that should usually scare minoru off. 

but, in the end we see the relationship ultimately return to the form they are most familiar with. minoru runs away in 1999, abandoning utsugi and certainly being saddled with the painful regret of lost love. utsugi remains behind, having settled back into his typical unequal relationship. he remembers and thinks of minoru even sixteen years later, while minoru has left him for a new family. 

part six: other allusions

aside from the clear line to how they both represent their families, there's several other allusions baked into their relationship. one of the most significant being how they tie into the divine comedy.

minoru is born on the day of dante's death, and utsugi shares a birthday with the poet virgil. minoru both is and isn't dante, he fails earlier in life to fulfil to reach any kind of enlightenment (thus the death day being his birthday) but later on he becomes "code:dante." haruki is notable also representative of dante, the whole harada line having a close tie to the author.

utsugi is tied to virgil by his birth and also by his relation to both minoru and haruki. virgil is a mentor, a guide, and a friend. he is close and intimate with dante, assisting him on his journey through hell but unable to accompany him in heaven. utsugi similarly is a figment of sanemitsu's difficult past, a valued friend who cannot accompany him in the lighter, easier parts of his life.

the utsugi line isn't all associate with virgil in the same way the harada line ties to dante, noriyuki utsugi alone is the 'guide.'

their relationship is similarly foreshadowed in the similarities it holds to nina and jabuchi's relationship. there's much to say here, but to keep it basic: jabuchi and nina start out happy, jabuchi goes down a difficult path without telling nina, nina finds out the truth too late and cannot save jabuchi, but she honors and remembers him after his death. it's a clear parallel to the way sanemitsu and utsugi's relationship develops.

part seven: conclusion

overall, i think i touched on many things i wanted to say about these two, and i still have many more words… but this was already very long and confusing, i imagine. i hope you got something out of it besides thinking i’m delusional, haha. this is solely my interpretation, after all, and i think there are room for many more. 

one of the best things about the relation between utsugi and minoru to me is that it is so ambiguous. there was not merely love, and there was not merely hate, but anything in-between those black and white values can be argued. did utsugi feel more hate than love for minoru or did he feel more love than hate? who’s to say. minoru has more clear-cut regret and affection, but still mocks and curses utsugi, showing the depth to which they got under each other’s skin. 

and still, they clearly love each other. they sacrifice, remember, and pray for one another. they were friends in the very beginning, and sanemitsu is the last person utsugi ever remembers. in turn, sanemitsu never lets the wounds utsugi gave him heal. it is certainly a relationship that left them both with scars. 

[artificialqueens]

Maybe You're My Enemy (Diamond Chaney) - Ortega

a/n: hey, hi, hello! welcome to the first canon compliant thing i have written since 2017, i am *~ petrified! ~* . i had to write something to fix these two though after the events of episode 8 because i just love them dearly (and the fact in the subsequent episode Lawrence just dropped in the fact they’d shared a bed didn’t help this at all). thank you so much to @purecamp for reading it over and reassuring me it’s not a heap of shit (so if it turns out that it is then just blame her xo). also the song it’s set to is enemy by Charli XCX in case u want to get the immersive vibes!

fic summary: On one side of Scotland, Lawrence disappears from social media. On the other, Ellie reflects.

***

They say, “Keep your friends close”

But you’re closer, I love when you’re here

I’m so far away sometimes, I’m distant, yeah

The sky is grey. The clouds are grey. The stagnant water of the quay is grey, and so’s the metal rail that Ellie’s holding on to as he narrows his eyes, tries to stop the wind from hitting them and making him tear up.

As if the wind would be the only reason.

He brings his gaze into focus on the HMS Unicorn, sat in the water in front of him like some massive whale that’s been planted in a bathtub. It’s a fucking ugly ship; a glorified tugboat on steroids with a big bowsprit sticking out at the front all out of place, but he likes the little bust of the once-white unicorn that sticks out from under it. Ellie remembers getting brought here for a school trip in Primary 3, pointing to the unicorn all excited and getting laughed at by the boys in his class that he knew were going to grow up to be the ones that gave the teachers lip and got suspended in high school.

He remembers that Bryce made up the fact that one of the boys had “said the f word” in the gift shop later that day, just so Ellie could have the satisfaction of watching them get screamed at by their teacher. Ellie still fucking loves him for that.

Ellie thinks the unicorn is out of place in all this grey. He remembers the time he did his unicorn mix when he opened for Willam, how nervous he’d been and messaging Lawrence about it and getting a “this you coming out to me as a furry?” in return which made him laugh and forget why he’d even been nervous in the first place. He can’t help the smile the memory brings to his face even if he wants to.

And he wants to.

Lawrence always could make him smile, get a laugh from him even when he didn’t feel like it. He remembers with a blow to his heart what Lawrence had said on the show- “you’re not terribly funny? Like you don’t have…zinger-y punchlines?” - and how Tia had laughed and Ellie had wanted so much to bite back but didn’t.

Because he always could draw a laugh out of Lawrence. Granted he was usually laughing at him rather than with him, but Ellie could still put a smile on his face by acting dumb, saying things that Lawrence would subsequently repeat in a screech of disbelief that would always make Ellie laugh harder anyway. He’d always self-impose ridiculous dares on himself in front of him: in Hive, “here, what if I did the entire shot rainbow?”, in Nandos, “d’you think I could do the wing roulette by myself?”, in Glasgow on the Subway on the way to a gig, “dare me to get off at Ibrox and I’ll go to the Louden Tavern dressed like this?”. Ellie had been used to being the class clown for Lawrence, the jester for the queen.

Or maybe just a fool.

Ellie’s always hated the colour grey.

You might help me, intimacy

I’ll admit, I’m scared

Maybe, maybe you can reach me, yeah

His surroundings turn to silver as he shoves his hands in his pockets, heads towards the V&A museum that’s still glinting despite the lack of sunlight. He’s stopped by two teenage girls that are polite and shy and squeaky-voiced as they ask for a photo- he supposes that’s what he gets when he goes out wearing the pink and purple fur coat with the hearts on it. Ellie forces a smile and thanks them for supporting him and they tell him he’s their favourite in return.

After they walk away he thinks they must have been lying, but then he feels the frown etch itself onto his face as he shakes his head. The self-doubt is a hangover from filming that he needs to shake off.

He squints at the museum as he walks past, fleetingly thinks about going in and looking at some of the old fashion to cheer him up. A’whora’s promised to go with him when he’s eventually allowed to come up to visit, and Ellie snorts at the idea of the fashion queen of the London scene in Dundee. The thought of A’whora’s reaction to the Wellgate shopping centre- the Credit Union, the B&M, the Jobcentre Plus- puts the first smile on his face he’s had in days.

Lawrence had gone round the museum with him too, when Ellie had dropped him off at the train station the day after a gig and they’d been killing time. It had been weird to just dick about like that together the first few times. Weird the fact there was no makeup, glue and wigs, no alcohol or gay anthems to yell over. Just two boys walking around a museum together. Like a date.

Ellie makes a face before he even realises. Not this.

The first time they did all of it together was weird. Just like everything Lawrence had written. Nandos, cinema, staying at his. That last one especially. Ellie can still remember the way he’d stared up at the bumpy ceiling from his position on Lawrence’s couch in the pitch dark, street lamps from outside casting shadows through the blinds. The room was too cold and the blanket was too small and he hadn’t slept a wink but he’d still do it all over again.

The first time they’d both lain on Lawrence’s bed the morning after the night before, cracking up at Scottish You Laugh You Lose compilations on Youtube and Ellie being unable to help the tears that streamed down his face at Lawrence imitating “big shoe, big shoeeee!”. The way they’d been close and the way their arms had touched and the way Ellie had felt ridiculous for the way his heart was hammering. Just a friend.

The first time they’d found each other under the dark lights of CCs when they’d both been through in Edinburgh to support Alice by chance. The way Ellie’s heart had lit up like a firework when he saw him. The way they’d laced their fingers together without even having to ask permission first, the way everything just seemed to be as simple as tequila rose shots and pink lights and leaning against the wall as they smoked outside.

The way everything else had just happened so easily.

Ellie squeezes his eyes shut before he can realise what he’s doing. The memories have forced their way in, kicked down a door in his head that he’d been sure he’d bolted shut.

He needs to change the locks.

Maybe you’re my enemy

Now I’ve finally let you come a little close to me,

Maybe you’re my enemy

You’re the only one who knows the way I’m really feelin’

Ellie is in the same Stitch onesie he’s been shrugging on since the last episode aired. It stinks. He’s joked to A'whora that he can probably smell him through the phone, and A'whora’s asked if he just sweats out Mango Loco Monster. Ellie makes some joke about wringing out his clothes into a pint glass if he did, which makes A'whora retch on camera.

He’s glad they made up at least. They didn’t have too much of a choice, to be fair. Apart from the way they get on so well, their bond and their friendship, A'whora’s the only other one who knows what it’s like to be in Ellie’s situation.

Except A'whora never stabbed Tayce in the back.

“You should talk to him,” A'whora insists, bringing the whole sorry situation up in a pause where Ellie must have looked as if he was about to make a vodka bleach mixer.

Ellie looks pointedly back at him through the screen. “I’ve been telling you to talk to Tayce for months.”

He watches A'whora pull an awkward face and he’s satisfied he’s hit a nerve. “That’s different though. You and Lawrence don’t live together.”

“Yeah. Least I wasn’t stupid enough to move in with someone I fancied, how’s that going for you?”

A'whora splutters a laugh that doesn’t quite meet his eyes. Ellie feels guilty all over again. He feels like that’s his default these days. “Sorry, chick, I shouldn’t have-”

“No, I mean. It’s fine. Just have to act as if I’m not in love with the bitch every time I’m around her, it’s not hard,” A'whora deadpans.

Ellie frowns. “You know Tayce feels the same. Everyone knows it.”

“No I don’t,” A'whora says instantly back to him, shaking his head and dissolving momentarily into pixels. “Besides, even if she did, like…it’s easier if she didn’t, y'know? All this…publicity, every move getting analysed. It’s easier to just…not.”

Ellie narrows his eyes. “You’re doing a smashing job making the case for me and Lawrence.”

“You know what I mean! You don’t get people asking where Lawrence is in every live you do. You don’t get people going through the show fucking…frame by frame and then editing every time you breathe around each other together and setting it to a bloody Little Mix song.”

Ellie bursts out laughing and starts singing Black Magic down the phone to him, which makes A'whora look pointedly at him before clearly being unable to hold it for long and instead laughing with him.

Both their laughter dies down and Ellie watches as A'whora smiles sadly, sincerely. “He’s worth the risk, Els.”

“Oh my God, prison. Who the fuck are you, Nicholas Sparks?”

The reference flies over A'whora's head and Ellie starts explaining the plot of the A Walk to Remember, steering the conversation out of the waters it had become marooned in, the captain of his very own HMS Unicorn.

He feels more like he’s aboard the Titanic with every message that goes unread.

Now it’s really clear to me

You could do a little damage, you could cut me deeper

“It didn’t get you a badge though, was it worth it?”

Ellie’s asked himself that every day since the episode aired. Since he made the decision, pretty much. Financially? Yes it was. It’s pretty well-known at this point in the grand scheme of Drag Race that with each week you’re on the likelihood of securing more bookings is increased, and now with his slot at Drag Fest he feels as if he’s hit the jackpot.

Everything else? Not so much.

Ellie still feels his stomach drop if he thinks enough about that untucked, which he does all the time. Too much, in fact. The aggression in Lawrence’s voice which Ellie knew all too well was a manifestation of hurt on so many levels. The way Lawrence chose the conflict that Ellie wished he could have avoided. The way Lawrence left his feelings bare while Ellie couldn’t trust himself to do the same in case he said something he might regret.

The fact Lawrence had thought Ellie had set him up to fail was maybe what hurt the most, though. Ellie had wanted to ask him how he thought he’d be able to do that after everything they’d been through together. He’d tried to tell him he didn’t think it was possible for him to fail at something he shines at. He’d wanted to grab Lawrence’s pink fucking headpiece and bash him over the head with it until he realised that he’s Lawrence fucking Chaney, he is the Scottish drag queen. Lawrence is the one who will say something at a gig one week and it’ll be common drag parlance across the country by the next. Lawrence is the one getting booked by the BBC Social to make educational videos. Lawrence is the one on posters across Glasgow, for fuck’s sake.

Ellie might not have been thinking about the worst case scenario in that moment, but only because he genuinely didn’t think there could be one.

After all, he’d had his opportunity to sabotage Lawrence. Ellie remembers the first day when the producers had wanted to set up the Scottish queen rivalry, asked for something shady they could use as a soundbite. The way he’d sought out Lawrence on a smoke break and told him about the situation and reassured him that he hadn’t given them anything, and the way Lawrence had just smiled back at him, softly and genuinely, and told Ellie he’d done the same. The way they’d minutely linked pinkies together before breaking them and walking back inside as if they’d barely shared so much as a glance, neither of them wanting to draw any suspicion their way.

And he could’ve been harsher in that untucked if he’d wanted. Could’ve said how for someone that was meant to care so much about friendship and sisterhood, Lawrence had been doing a great job shitting on him from a great height about his lack of challenge wins and his run on the show.  

But he didn’t, because…well. He knows why.

Because the knowledge that he’d hurt Lawrence and lost his trust had done more damage than any joke Lawrence made at his expense could ever do.

Ellie goes live on the Tuesday afternoon. A comment on the chat reads, “are u A’whora and Lawrence still friends???”

“Yeah, me and A’whora are still friends!” Ellie bats the comment away with a fake smile.

He’ll blame his lack of comprehension skills if he’s asked about it.

I feel guilty, I feel nervous, I feel certain now

Maybe, maybe you can reach me

He doesn’t know what possesses him to do it.

Maybe it’s when he wakes up on Friday and Lawrence’s Twitter isn’t loading. Maybe it’s when he reads the other Scottish girls condemning the fans, the word fatphobia leaping out, grabbing Ellie’s heart and wrenching it tight.

Surely not this?

Ellie searches Twitter and what he finds makes him feel ill. He doesn’t know what he had expected- he’d known the frantic tweet urging the fans to be kind that he’d typed out before he went to sleep hadn’t exactly been going to create world peace overnight- but he hadn’t expected any of this. Everyone loves Lawrence, surely.

Although perhaps he’s just talking from experience.

Maybe it’s when he shoots Lawrence a message that goes unopened. In all honesty Ellie doesn’t blame him. A flimsy sentiment about hoping he’s okay that clocks in at under 250 characters isn’t going to cut it, and he’s grateful when Bimini, with all their empathy and ability to read a situation as clear as day, texts him and tells him that Lawrence has replied to them and he’s…well, he’s managing.

Maybe it’s when Ellie goes live with A’whora and he manages to mention Lawrence entirely too many times. A cry for attention or an old habit that’s dying hard? He can’t tell. Perhaps it’s both.

It’s definitely got something to do with the Facebook post.

Whatever it is, Ellie finds himself stuffing any old random items of clothing in a backpack and hoping it makes an outfit, shoving the spare key into the soil of the plant pot outside his front door and texting Anne to tell her where it is in case…fuck knows, the flat goes on fire while he’s away or something. He looks up the train times as he’s on his way to the station; a terrible decision, really, as when he’s still fifteen minutes away he discovers there’s one in ten. Somehow he manages to make it to the station with just a minute to spare and his heart lifts to find that the ticket barriers are open, so he dashes through them and hurtles onto the train that’s waiting at the platform. He catches his breath as he slumps into a table seat, having to take his mask off for a couple of seconds just so he can breathe properly. The way his heart is going at the rate the train’s about to isn’t helping.

The chimes of the train announcement cut through his attempts at slowing his heart down, and the little robotic woman’s voice confirms that his ridiculous, spur-of-the-moment decision is actually happening.

“This is Dundee. This train is for Glasgow Queen Street.”

Because this is all so last minute, but he needs to see Lawrence. He’s apologised probably ten times by now but he knows he needs to make it eleven. He knows (he hopes) that Lawrence needs that eleventh time too. He knows that Lawrence needs Ellie’s persistence, knows that it’s all just an attempt at self-preservation. Lawrence’s attempts at shutting Ellie out are just inviting him to bring a battering ram. At least, he hopes. But like A’whora had said…he’s worth the risk.

The train starts moving, and even if he wanted to back out now he couldn’t.

So cold at the surface, I’m scared of nothin’

Underneath, I’m nervous

Can you reach me?  

Ellie waits for the subway at Buchanan Street and his glazed-over eyes focus on a massive poster of Lawrence on the platform opposite. He briefly considers throwing himself under the next train.

The journey down had passed somehow in the blink of an eye and also agonisingly slowly. Too much time to sit and stare out of the window but not enough time to figure out what he’s going to say. He still doesn’t know. He’d said it all those months ago, he’s said it through texts and DMs. This time feels different, though. This time is different. This time there’s no cameras or runners or pink tables, or distance between them or tension at the fact nothing had aired yet.

It’s going to be the pair of them and Lawrence’s flat. Just like it’s been so many times before.

Ellie thinks he’ll probably just open his mouth, say whatever gets there first and hope it hits the right notes; a terrible decision arrived upon as a result of the lack of any other option. His mind is a messed up ball of television static, a knotted yarn of white noise that he can’t find the end of. He feels as if it’s made of the noise the train makes as it screams into the station, metal on metal and the low whoosh of the wind through the tunnel and the rickety shaking of the doors as they slide open and people stream off.

He picks up his bag and sinks down into the horrifically patterned upholstery of the seats, settling himself in for the journey. The little metal tin can of a train doesn’t take long to fire through the seven stops before Govan and with each one that passes Ellie can feel his nerves spiking and his mouth growing dry.

What if Lawrence isn’t even in? What if it’s all got too much and he’s gone back to Helensburgh for the foreseeable? Ellie could get a train up there, he supposes; he’s already on this side of the country, although he doesn’t know if Lawrence would appreciate the gesture or call the police on him.

Ellie concludes it would be worth it anyway.

He emerges from the Subway and the grey seems to hit him all over again, seeping into his clothes and forcing him to fight through the sadness that hits him like a wave. There’s a little beam of sunshine fighting to escape the clouds though, and Ellie hopes it’s some form of pathetic fallacy. Or whatever that one about the weather matching your feelings was. Fucked if he ever paid attention in Nat 5 English.

The streets of red brick tenements feel like pens of hostility as he passes windows that serve as frames for Union Jacks and Red Hand of Ulster flags. Even being raised in a Christian household doesn’t equip him to identify with this form of religion; where the disciples are football players and the gods are flags and the hymns are about killing Catholics. Ellie has always worried about Lawrence living here, told him as much, but he’s always been met with a bark of a laugh back and some comment about how he’s only saying that because he’s lived such a sheltered little life in Dundee and wouldn’t last five minutes trying to inhabit Glasgow and all its cheerful sectarianism. Lawrence has always had a very blythe attitude to the whole thing, and Ellie remembers when he’d held his hand on the way back from the Subway in full drag after a gig like it was nothing, the way some dick in an orange and blue scarf had shouted at them from across the street and Lawrence had just yelled back with an “awrite, babes?” as if he had a death wish.

Which is what makes this whole thing so grim. The Lawrence who drunkenly and sarcastically greets bigots at three in the morning from across the street doesn’t marry up with the Lawrence that’s holed up in his flat in the face of negativity. Ellie supposes that one homophobic Rangers fan is one homophobic Rangers fan, but Twitter can seem like the whole world’s population, and if Lawrence thinks the world hates him just because he’s reacted to something that was Ellie’s fault…

He feels his gut wrench.

Ellie turns into Lawrence’s street and feels ill. He could always go home. Turn and walk back to the Subway, train back to Queen Street, back to Dundee, back to the flat. Like nothing had ever happened. Like he hadn’t even consciously made the decision, like it was all a dream.

He sleepwalks to Lawrence’s close door anyway, just like he knew he would.

His hand shakes as he presses the buzzer too hard, and the panic rises in his throat as the seconds pass agonisingly slowly. When there’s a crackle from the intercom, he freezes in fear.

“Hello?”

It’s Kiko’s voice. Of course his flatmate had to be the one to answer, drag out the humiliation of the whole thing. Ellie can hear the shake to his voice as he replies.

“Hey, it’s Ellie.”

“…Ellie?”

He chooses to ignore the disbelief, acts as if it’s normal for him to have travelled across the country to turn up on Lawrence’s doorstep in the middle of a pandemic when there’s a travel ban in place. He’s considering this essential travel anyway.

“Is Lawrence in at all?”

Kiko, for her part, seems to pick up on the way the whole visit is masquerading as routine. In the split second before she replies, Ellie finds himself holding his breath. He steels himself, prepares for a “no, he’s actually…”, to send him back to Dundee like a crumpled sheet of paper tossed into a bin.

So Ellie feels like his throat’s going to close up when Kiko replies down the intercom. “Yeah, two secs. I’ll buzz you up.”

The dread settles in his gut like a weight as the buzzer rings out into the street, harsh and loud and doing nothing for Ellie’s derailed train of thought. He pushes on the door, takes his first step into the close and the echo seems to hit him deep in his chest. He finds himself wishing Lawrence lives four up but he’s only on the first floor, and as Ellie puts his foot on the first step of the staircase he keeps his eyes trained on the stairs because he knows the moment he looks up he’s going to see somebody standing there holding the door open and even though he’s had hours to prepare himself, weeks even, he’s not ready for that in the slightest.

And when he finally brings his gaze onto the front door with four steps to go, he’s not ready for the way the sight of Lawrence almost knocks him straight back down again. He’s slumped against the doorframe and has very clearly not slept- since when, Ellie couldn’t guess. A black hoodie is swamping him and a pair of navy sweatpants are doing the same, making him seem smaller than he already is. The sight of his hair up in that tiny bun hurts Ellie’s heart because it makes him want to smile, reminds him of the Lawrence he’d dick about in the workroom and the smoking area and the hotel corridors with before it all went so wrong. His arms are folded and he’s looking at the tiles on the landing floor until Ellie reaches the doorway, shifts awkwardly.

“Hi.”

Lawrence doesn’t quite meet his eyes. It’s a minute detail that hurts Ellie more than he would have expected. He doesn’t reply for a second, then seems to relent. “Hey.”

Another pause. The atmosphere makes Ellie wish he’d worn a thicker jacket.

“You’re not meant to be here, you know. Wee Nicky’s probably had snipers trained on you since you got off the train,” Lawrence says, delivering the quip with a bitter, barbed edge that makes Ellie think it’s less of a joke and more wishful thinking.

“Wouldn’t be any less than I deserve, I’m sure,” Ellie smiles sadly, unable to make it meet his eyes. Lawrence’s expression remains unimpressed.

“So why are you here, then,” he not so much as demands an answer but disinterestedly inquires. Ellie bites his bottom lip before he replies, as if he’s forcing himself to make sure his words are perfect.

“I just came down because…well, I wanted to see how you were. I know the past week must have been shit for you.”

Lawrence raises his eyebrows, his eyes growing wide as if to really drive home to Ellie how much of an understatement he already knows he’s made. “Yeah.”

Ellie sighs, wanting desperately to get the next part right. “And I felt like I needed to say I’m sorry. Y’know, in front of you.”

“You said sorry back when we filmed. We’re over it, it’s fine,” Lawrence says flatly, conveying that everything is not fine.

“It’s not fine, though. I wouldn’t have come down if it was fine. Things haven’t been fine since that day, and like…I miss you, Lawrence, I don’t want to lose you as a friend, or as a sister, or as…” Ellie stumbles, looking to the floor as he tries to articulate the other facet of their relationship. “…whatever else we are. Whatever else we were. I’m sorry for fucking everything up.”

There’s a silence in which the pair of them freeze and hold their breath. Time could very well be standing still for all Ellie knows. He immediately regrets bringing up all of…that. He should’ve kept it to friendship, shouldn’t have added anything on. Before he can overthink any more or begin to backtrack, a small sigh from Lawrence makes him look up.

“I thought you hated me,” he says. His voice is small and the words are unexpected. There’s so much Ellie could say in response. He settles on a joke.

“No, I think you’re a cunt. There’s a difference,” Ellie smiles tightly, the joke tentative. The snort it gets from Lawrence makes his smile grow without him being able to help it. “Was that a good one? Thought I was the unfunniest person on the planet?”

“We weren’t talking about your Bake Off improv,” Lawrence raises his eyebrows as he smirks, and Ellie fakes a wounded laugh.

“Shady cow.”

“I’m sorry,” Lawrence says out of nowhere, his smile gone all of a sudden.

Ellie tries to drag the joke out a little longer, hold onto the sparks they’ve just created. “Nah, it was shit, you’re right.”

“No, Ellie…” Lawrence shakes his head, worrying his lip between his teeth a little. “I am sorry.”

Ellie feels the panic wash over him when he clocks the glisten in his eyes. “It’s fine, girl.”

“It’s not fine. I was a dick to you so many times, no fuckin’ wonder I thought you’d set me up. I would too if I had somebody talking down to me like I did to you,” Lawrence says gravely. His gaze is fixed on his floor and just as Ellie is about to speak he catches sight of two tears that fall onto the red carpet, the darkness akin to blood. His horror grows as Lawrence finally snaps his head up, tears shining in his eyes as he sighs helplessly in a shaky voice. “You’re amazing, Ellie, you’re such a talent, and…fuck, I missed you.”

His words mean more to him that Ellie had expected them to. He doesn’t want to let that show, though, because that’s too much, that means too much for the situation just now and he can deal with that realisation at a later date. For now, Ellie points at him in mock-accusation. “Hey listen, I’m the one that got the train down to come and make a big speech to you and say sorry. Buy your own damn train ticket for that.”

Lawrence’s voice is thick with tears as he lets out a short laugh. “Sorry.”

“Wee bitch. Always have to make everything about you,” Ellie rolls his eyes, getting another teary laugh out of Lawrence and raising his hopes that maybe they’ll be okay.

And then the banks break and Lawrence makes a little choked-up noise, a sob that’s not fully a sob. His eyes meet Ellie’s and they’re full of so much sadness and regret that just looking at them creates a crack in Ellie’s heart, one that matches the crack in Lawrence’s voice as he speaks again.

“This has all been shit to do without you.”

Ellie doesn’t think before opening his arms out, shaking his head affectionately. “Don’t be silly. C’mere.”

When Lawrence immediately opens out his own and they meet each other in the middle and hug tightly, Ellie feels like a balloon that’s been let go and is floating up to the sky.

The clouds aren’t grey.

The way they’re holding each other brings back too many memories. Seeing each other at gigs and feeling butterflies take hold of his stomach. Coming off stage after a number and conveying his pride in him without even having to say a word. Saying goodbye at train stations with disappointment lodging itself in his heart. All the nostalgia makes Ellie want to cry, but he can’t start now. Instead, he breaths a shaky sigh, shakes his head before he speaks.

“You’ve always had me, okay? You’ve always got me. We’ve said sorry now, that’s the end of it. Periodt,” Ellie murmurs against his shoulder, adding on his trademark at the end. The laugh he gets muffled against his chest in return makes him feel lighter.

“I’ve not showered. I definitely stink. You don’t have to keep hugging me, you know.”

“You don’t. I want to,” Ellie says back. He means it.

It’s Lawrence that slides out of the hug first but he’s still standing close as he quickly wipes away his tears, looks Ellie up and down with a smirk on his face. “So where’s your Travelodge, hen?”

Ellie’s sheepish when he makes eye contact with him again, shrugs one strap of the rucksack off before replying. “You know damn well I’ve not booked anywhere.”

“Fuckin’ hell. Right, come on,” Lawrence shakes his head affectionately, stepping back into his hallway and letting Ellie finally cross the threshold to drop his bag like an anchor in the flat. It’s the physical manifestation of the burden finally being lifted off of him, the guilt and the regret melting away in favour of the flutter of his heart and a few small sparks that he wants to put in resin. “I get to choose the film later as reparations. Don’t trust you since you made us watch Cat In The Hat.”

Ellie gives a shocked gasp, genuinely offended. “It’s good!”

“Is it fuck. In fact, just for that I’m going to make you sit through something sci-fi and geeky and you’re gonna hate it,” Lawrence smiles with genuine glee, and Ellie can’t even bring himself to be mad about it. As the pair of them walk through to the living room, Lawrence jumps onto the sofa and fixes Ellie with a look that is clearly meant to be serious but that simultaneously Lawrence can’t commit to and Ellie can’t believe. “You’re sleeping here tonight, by the way.”

Ellie raises his eyebrows as he fakes his agreement, going along with the charade Lawrence is beginning. They both know they’ll end up curled up together on the sofa with neither of them having an explanation for how it’s happened, but at the same time knowing they don’t have to explain themselves. They know that Ellie will end up falling asleep slumped against Lawrence and that he’ll have to gently shake him awake, that he’ll wordlessly offer Ellie a hand to drag him off the couch with and that they’ll go through to Lawrence’s room like always. They know that they’ll wake up tangled together like the sheets and that Ellie will be there for him, that he’ll help Lawrence piece himself back together and they’ll go back to the start. Well, maybe not the start. Perhaps somewhere better.

Ellie keeps his friends close, but Lawrence is something a little bit more. Something a little bit closer.

Baby, you’re my enemy.

[bl00dgutsgl0ry]

As The World Caves In (Akechi Goro x Akira Kurusu)

Pairing - Akechi Goro x Akira Kurusu

Smut/Fluff/Angst - Lots and Lots of angst on this one I haven’t written and angst fic in a while.

Warnings - Canon typical gore/horror, and swearing

Additional Info - I edited the way the story plays out a bit and basically removed the fact that everyone knows that Akechi was going to betray them. It makes it more interesting lol.

    Akira hadn’t known many friends before being forced to move to Shibuya and do parole there. He was always very quite, but was always soaking up his surroundings like a sponge. He had his own personality most definitely, but it’s always been hidden and covered with the personality he pieces together from what he believes people will like. So getting thrust into this unknown situation that hadn't even been his fault was a very big shock to this built up personality. Not to mention being forced to make friends and relationships that would help him. Was it shallow to only make friendships he thought was beneficial to him? Sure you could say that, but in the end he actually started to depend on these people and greatly appreciated these people for helping him grow. 

    But that's enough reminiscing, the Phantom Thieves were currently in the middle of a meeting, deciding if they were ready to send the infamous calling card to Sae Nijima. Akira was used to seeing his other seven teammates and friends, but there was a newcomer who he had gotten quite close to: Goro Akechi. Akechi had been around Akira for quite some time making his first appearance when Ann Ryuji Morgana and Akira all went to the broadcasting station for a school field trip; Akira making himself known to the detective when he answered a question. Ever since then, Akechi would accidentally run into the taller raven haired boy. Each time they would run into each other it would make Akira’s heart flutter. The fans of Akechi were correct; he was incredibly charismatic and not to mention, exceptionally attractive. Whilst hiding behind his indifferent blank facial expression, he would eventually become happy to see the detective; even though he was progressively becoming more of a thorn in the sides of the Phantom Thieves.

    The group, after in depth conversation about whether or not they were ready to send the calling card, decided they should wait and send it on a specific day; per Akechi’s request. Akechi had a plan, even though most of the Phantom Thieves didn't exactly trust him, he was the best shot they had. Eventually most of them dispersed except for Yuskue, Akechi, and obviously Morgana. Akira decided to make them all coffee seeing as how Sojiro didn't really care what he did as long as he didn’t take too much coffee. They made small talk with each other before Yusuke left to go home and Morgana decided to retire to bed early, leaving Akechi and Akira in the shop alone with each other. They continued to small talk, even though Akira wasn't exactly paying attention to what was being said, he was paying attention to how Akechi looked. The way the dimly lit golden light of the café, and the almost shimmering light of the moon bouncing off of Akechi in such a pleasing way made him look so ethereal; almost like an angel sent from heaven.

    “Well, I must be going now if I want to catch the last train back to my home. I appreciate to coffee Kurusu it truly does get better every time I stop by.” Akechi said suddenly after a sudden gap of silence; a pleasant smile gracing his face. 

    “Be careful Goro, and I’ve said it before, Akira is fine.” The raven haired boy retuned the pleasant smile before taking Akechi’s empty coffee cup and going to wash it. He heard Akechi slowly gather his things, then the soft ring of the bell on the door alerting anyone inside that it has been open. After a beat the bell chimed once more and the door closed. Once Akira was done washing his dishes and putting them away, he left to lock the café door before retiring to his room to sleep.

    After that, the days leading up to the delivery of the calling card went by in what felt like seconds. Of course he spent the days hanging out with his teammates, getting closer to them giving him more benefits; though he did genuinely enjoy their company. Sadly to Akira’s misfortune though there were no signs of Akechi anywhere. He was probably getting ready still, as much as he didn't want to admit it he did miss him. His polite looking smile and the way his hair was always so soft looking and well kept. But oh well, they’ll have plenty of time to spend with each other finishing off Sae’s palace.

    And then the day was upon them, the day where Sae Nijima’s hear would be changed forever; that is as long as they were successful. They had Makoto deliver the calling card the day before, so this was it. Their only chance. Everything was going to be fine, they would do what they always did and they would be in and out of there within the day. 

    And that's how it went, there was of course a hiccup or two where they had realized that of course the shadow of Sae was cheating, but with Joker’s quick wit there were able to quickly figure out what she was doing and get past it. It difficult for Makoto to see her sister the way she was, but with everyone giving her a reassuring smiling and her subconsciously knowing that this was for the best, see was able to get through everything and talk to her sister for a moment.

    “The investigation will now be able to proceed. The suspicion against you will be lifted as well. This deal we made... was a great experience for me.” Akechi spoke gracefully after the battle had ended and Yusuke and Ryuji found Sae’s treasure. Akechi and Akira both nodded to each other, in mutual acknowledgment and respect. Akira could feel his bond growing with Akechi, this new found trust in him.

    “Alright we don’t need to stay here any longer..!” Morgana piped up, then looked at Makoto asking if she was alright. She gave a quick assured nod.

    “I am.. Let’s go.” Makoto stood from her kneeling position in front of her sister’s fallen shadow.

    “Huh?! Enemy readings! When did they...?! They’re gathering outside!” Futaba’s scan popped up in front of her as she looked through it, trying to asses what the hell was going on.

    “Look at those numbers...!” Yusuke said disbelief prevalent in his voice.

    “There are more coming?! This’ll be dangerous if we don't do something..!” The panic was visible in everyone, they knew that if they got surrounded they would be done for.

    “A group this large would be discovered immediately, so we would need to split up. Although we would need for someone to act as a decoy... No but that's too dangerous..!” Even Makoto was frantic as she desperately tried to think of a way out of this situation.

    “I’ll do it.” Akira’s voice was calm, but powerful and confident. He knew what he was doing and he needed his teammates to believe in him as well.

    “Joker?! Are you seriously planning on distracting them by yourself?!”

    “Let him do it Queen, he’s quite but once he’s made up his mind he wont take no for an answer.” Ryuji knew Akira well, seeing as how he was his first friend throughout this entire process and Ryuji knew that Akira would be okay. He had to be.

    With that Ryuji handed over the brief case, and with a couple more reluctant parting words from just about everyone, he was on his way. He needed to make sure they were safe. Akira gave a theatrical performance as he distracted the guards, making sure it was flashy and everyone knew of his presence. 

    As he bobbed and weaved through guards, finally moving in the shadows he made it back to the main room. His only way out? Through the giant stained glass window. And just with this he was spotted, what better way that to make his escape with an audience of people who were trying to capture him? He jumped up on the railing and ran towards the widow.

    “See ya.” With a quick flourish, he dived out the window and landed on the ground below. But before he could even realize, hundreds of spotlights were aimed at him, and even more police officers were surrounding him. He tried to get away but as he was climbing the latter he was knocked back down with the butt of someone's gun. 

    “Didn’t expect to find some kid. You have your teammate to thank for all of this. You were sold out.” Sold out? Sold out?! How could he have been... Who would’ve-

    Akechi...

    Eventually, he woke up, back to where everything began, the interrogation room. All the questions Sae threw at him as he refused to sell his teammates out. God he hoped they at least were able to get out. Sae’s time eventually ran out and she had to leave. After her Akechi himself entered the room, and it made Akira’s stomach drop. Why did this affect him so much... Akira watched as Akechi quickly swiped the silenced gun from the police officer and shot him, making Akira flinch.

    “What the fuck is wrong with you?!” Akira couldn’t help but lash out finally snapping. He had trusted Akechi so much, and of course that was probably his downfall but he couldn’t help it. Akechi was so perfect and he finally felt truly connected to him but what the fuck was this?!

    “What is wrong with me?! Tough talk coming from someone who is tied up screaming at a guy with a gun! You’re gonna regret being born. I don’t understand how you have always had it some much better than me. I trained myself day in and day out to be fucking perfect; but you who is nothing but attic scum showed up and had immediately gathered so much attention. Being worshiped by others.” Akechi swung at Akira, giving him a strong punch directly into the temple making him see stars. Akira groaned from the hit. Everything was so blurry, he didn’t know if it was because there were tears in his eyes or if it was because he just got knocked in the side of the head; probably both.

     Where did everything go wrong? Akira physically couldn’t comprehend what was going on. Akechi was his friend, wasn’t he? Why was everything so backwards now? Whilst he was in his head he hadn’t realized that he was staring at the ground while Akechi was going on and on about how much he hated him.

     “Are you even fucking listening to me?! Are you so fucking cocky that even now, as you sit before me tied up and helpless, you still think you’re better than me?!” Akechi’s voice was becoming raspier by the second as he screamed at the top of his lungs. His vocal cords straining to keep up with his howling. It sounded like the man was tearing his own vocal cords to shreds and he probably was. Akira didn’t even look up at Akechi though, just kept his eyes trained to the floor which enraged the psychotic man above him even more. He couldn’t even register what was happening before Akechi shot him in the knee.

     “Will that get your worthless attention attic trash?!” Akira’s ears were ringing, the adrenaline in his body only barely covering up the burning pain in his knee. Akira cried out, pleading Akechi to stop yet he was only met with maniacal laughter. Laughter that was ripping out of a man’s chest, tearing at his lungs and vocal cords in the process. Akechi screeched as he waved the gun around frantically, and once Akira shakily lifted his head took look at the man he once trusted with his life, Akechi thrusted the gun right between his eyes and pressed hard; throwing Akira’s head back.

     “Beg. Beg me not to blow your fucking brains out like the worthless piece of trash you are.” Akira’s eyes were blown wide open, his breath shaky while his tongue quickly darted out to anxiously wet his lips. He genuinely had to contemplate whether or not it was worth it. What if the other phantom thieves were already on their way to help him? He couldn’t lose his dignity like that. He knew he wasn’t exactly in the position to be choosing whether or not losing his dignity was worth losing his life, but for fucks sake he worked his ass off to get the respect he has now, he will not lose it.

     “Bite me.” Turns out that wasn’t the best answer. Because as soon as “me” left Akira’s mouth, a bullet entered his brain. So much for Joker’s dignity.

[adversitybloomed-a]

🌸┊ FRIENDLY REMINDER: this is a headcanon for my muse only. please do not take claim to it as your own. any graphics set on here, are edited by me.  the only exceptions for those who can use this as references to my muse are my RP partners. i just ask that you credit this post ┊ 🌸

I will be placing this post under read more, because it is EXTREMELY LONG, due to the fact that it covers ALL verses.

HEADCANON:  PHOENIX ( fenghuang ) Part 2. 

                                        original posting, here. 

to begin with, this post can go along with almost ALL of my verses if you would like. for the most part, this will be canon for her, unless the other mun asks for just a human Mulan. 

              TO BEGIN:

Main Verses: Mulan was born human, who had the phoenix sealed away inside of her. Unknowing to her powers that lay dormate within, she grew up thinking that she was different, and enjoyed learning many things that were considered only for “BOYS” at the time period. 

when she turned sixteen, her family announced that it was time for her to meet with a matchmaker to determine a match for marriage. though her heart did not wish to go through with this, she knew she had to bring HONOR to her family and agreed. a match was found, however, soon came the news that her father was called back to war, but this time, NOT AS A GENERAL -- - but a solider instead. 

knowing that he would not be able to survive, should he leave. She went to her ancestral shrine and prayed for guidance in her decision she was about to make. it was there & there where she met @hiighwarlock​​ ( Magnus Bane, aka Cat Deity, Li Shou, for more info, see their post here ).  hearing her prayer, he turned to his human form, SHOCKING the young girl as he agreed to help her with her plans. 

what neither of them knew though, was this was the starting trigger that began to awaken the phoenix within. helping her disguise herself, he turned into a dragon, hidden within her clothing as she stole her fathers armor, sword and bow & took her families war horse khan & rode off into battle. 

when she arrived at camp, he guided her with her made up name  Hua Jun. during her training, he began to notice signs of her not being QUITE human, for one thing, her strength & speed. another, when it came to going to battle & surrounded by enemies, a FAINT GLOW only noticed by other creatures of magic can sense ( or those who are highly trained ), seemed to flow around her. 

Little did she know, EACH TIME SHE DREW UPON HER POWER -- - especially fighting with someone who was stronger then her OR if surrounded by a large series of enemies, she lost some of her humanity and began to awaken her immortally. 

after the war, Mulan continued her friendship with  Li Shou ( Magnus ), and in turn, began to think of him as the brother she never had. She started calling him Mimi ( Chinese word for cat ) & he in turn, began to call her mèi ( which means little sister in Chinese ). 

TRAVELING ( Red Strings Verse ): three years after the war, Mulan has received orders to accompany diplomats overseas and to Japan & be stationed there as a general within the Emperors command. choosing to accept this mission, she leaves at once, but not before exchanging a magical paper, so she can communicate with her chosen brother,  Li Shou ( Magnus ). 

Upon her arrival, she grew tired of the company of whom she protected & decided to go for a stroll, eager to see the city around her, considering she came from the country side. It was then, by chance, she met @koeii​​ ( Hanzo Shimada ) and formed what she thought would be a simple friendship. 

As time went on though, her feelings for him grew, and a relationship began. Over time, she met with @omniphrenia​​ ( Genji Shimada - this is still depending because we need to interact to see where their relationship goes. ) & ended up developing a bond with the two brothers. Considering that they were part of the  Syndicate crimina, & women generally had little to do with it, she did her best to stay out of that life. Only sometimes coming onto their families grounds if invited by the brothers; sneaks in to visit Hanzo within the night, because she cannot sleep OR if she sneaks in dressed as a man, to see them. 

During the time there, unless the brothers happen to see her within a battle, her powers were drew upon very little & instead she only used her raw strength and prowls. However, once incident changed changed that ( post here ). Coming back from a mission, by chance, Hanzo had taken a blade for her --- - taking his life. Unknown to her, the phoenix within her fully awoke and restored his life force to him, the power draining her completely and rendering her unconscious. during this time, only little humanity remained within her, the phoenix almost fully awakening & the powers starting to come loose from within. 

Years later, when Hanzo believes he kills Genji ( unknown to either of them that he’s still alive ), her powers once more started to show. At first, she went after Hanzo, him going missing & worry causing her to panic. but after two months of searching, she found out she was with child -- - a child who would later inherent the dragon from the Shimada’s. because of this, as the child grew within her, it began to draw upon her spirit within, causing what remained of her power to fully awaken, though she remained unaware until she began to outlive almost all of her family and friends ( still in the works ). 

PLEASE NOTE: when it come to any characters mentioned that is not Mulan. it completely is up to the mun how they wish to proceed & if they choose to make themselves immortals/gods/dragons. whatever it is they want. it is COMPLETELY up to them. this information is just for MY MULAN in general. 

             OTHER VERSES: some to note.

INUYASHA: similar to how the main started, she began as a human but soon unlocked her abilities. The Phoenix in this is considered a demon.  TMI: This verse has two parts. the one where she is a shadowhunter, she will not be a phoenix & this must be asked upon through request. THE MAIN VERSE IN THIS: 

having been born with the powers of phoenix & many years since the beginning of the main verse, Mulan has lived countless lives -- - each of them, Magnus Bane, has been apart of as he considers himself her time keeper. Because of her abilities, should she lose her life, she will sometimes forget her past and turn to him for guidance. He in turn takes care of her, as his little sister, often time the two living together or having separate homes but often visit one another. 

Mulan in this verse, if she is the phoenix, can be refereed to as a WAR GODDESS -- - due to her prowls in battle & each life, she often finds herself going into a war, even if it has nothing to do with her. 

            POWERS:

The phoenix is a balance between life and death. due to this she will have the following types of powers. 

REBIRTH: If Mulan dies, there are two prices she has to pay when coming back from the dead; 

one being that she has to lose certain memories if she comes back quickly enough. These memories can come back, but usually in a dream like state.  the rebirth process can take years to happen, where she remains in a sleep like state, covered with fire energy.  Another part of her power of rebirth: if death comes to someone else. she can bring them back from the dead, given the right time frame. if this does happen, it will leave her completely exhausted & often times she will pass out. 

FIRE: Mulan can control fire, but only later on when she is able to train & accepts her power. The fire can purify, due to the phoenix & with it, can often cure poisons. 

this power will only happen in certain verses, and if both muns agree to it.

DEATH’S DANCE:  a ability to use in battle. the warriors of the dead, come to guide her blade, letting her feel out moves so that she could come out the victor.  IMMORTALITY:  it goes without saying, that as a phoenix she is an immortal being, who can actually be killed, but not for long. this power does not come into affect until she either she burns through her humanity ( main verse ) OR when she reaches a certain age, ( im thinking around 22 ), she stops growing old and looks young forever. 

 in this state, she does not feel pain, but only a lust for blood. which tends to scare her. but she knows she needs to use it to win in big battles or against an enemy stronger then her.

SIDE NOTE: More powers might come later. 

[gizkasparadise]

Z. Ramble, on!

im gonna talk about how much i love luke skywalker–which is very very much–and why tlj is not only an IC character arc for him but one that makes him 100% more important to me

y’all of course, will likely have your own interpretations of him and that’s a-okay. but i’ve got about 20 years invested in mine and i am incredibly stubborn so any THAT’S NOT HIS CHARACTER!!! comments or reblogs might not be engaged with. that in mind, let’s roll.

to tosche station!

a lot of feelings about luke skywalker, as told by gizka

here’s some things i understand about luke from the original trilogy:

he doesn’t think things through. he’s curious and impulsive. his curiosity is one of my favorite things about him. since he’s the entrypoint character for the audience, we learn things with luke. we get excited with luke, we get angry with luke. luke’s curiosity does some meta work in letting the audience get immersed in the universe. he bugs owen. he bugs ben. he bugs han and chewie and is a walking bioware protag wanting fetch quests. what’s this laser sword? can i look down its handle?

his curiosity & impulsiveness are what save the Jedi. put on a visor and wave a laser around? sounds fun. go to a swamp planet in the middle of a war? okay. whatever this blue ghost-man has to say. the jedi, i think, lost curiosity– they lost the ability to critically reflect, to want to learn. they haven’t grown, even as the galaxy has grown around them (alluded quite a bit in EU content like KOTOR and also in canon with RotS). in the OT, we get two jedi: old ben kenobi, an exile who is referred to as a great general but is one of the most static characters in the series. throughout the series, he is moved into action by his surroundings or circumstances. he doesn’t seek luke out for training– the kid passes out on his yard. he straight up phased out of the adventure by ep 4. & then we get luke, this scrappy desert farm kid, and through his POV the jedi get to go from relics to something incredibly cool to be discovered– luke’s not the last of the old, but the first of the new. he’s dynamic and a catalyst and he charges through the story like a drunk bull

luke always wants to learn, but is frustrated by learning. we see how he’s quick to get angry or to quit, especially in ESB when dealing with yoda, that little hobgoblin. part of that is the impulsiveness & overeagerness– he wants to jump in and do things but doesn’t have the patience. this fits that “gifted child, struggling adult” trope. it’s Important that he doesn’t complete Jedi training his first try, that it doesn’t come easily to him. 

luke is often isolated from what’s actually happening. after a new hope, he’s the Hero of Another Story in his own trilogy. his role, tactically speaking, on endor isn’t necessary (remember that he didn’t go in with the intention to stop the emperor). it’s personal. it’s family matters. it’s impulsive as hell despite his newfound Jedi Chill. luke’s arc is purposefully set up to be a sidestep away from the grand battle of good vs. evil during RotJ–that’s leia’s arena (& i could talk a lot about leia, too. another day, another post there). after ben’s death, all of his journeys are solo journeys: he’s a student without a teacher

so he is, in a lot of ways, alone even when surrounded by his friends. he’s the only one trying to understand the Force. he’s the only one trying to understand Darth Vader. he’s the only one who actively confronts the Dark Side (and the only one who sees the Dark Side in himself). he hosts his father’s funeral by himself. and, at the end of the trilogy, he’s the only one that sees the ghosts

here’s what i understand about luke between the OT and ST:

he wasn’t a good teacher. how could he be? historically in GFFA, heroes don’t make great teachers– obi wan certainly wasn’t. or qui gon. or yoda or mace. remember how yoda made himself straight up die to get out of answering luke’s questions? i do. luke’s 0 for 2 in dissolving mentors.

in fact, i’ll wait for someone to mention a jedi master who was a responsible, positive mentor for their student without things going to hell in a handbasket. the skywalker mentorship program is a domino line of dudebro fuckery

so we have someone who didn’t get good training, didn’t have a consistent teacher of his own, but has an intense curiosity about the force and an inherited legacy he’s decided to run with. he doesn’t have children of his own & leia’s too busy being the Big Good and having a full-time job with benefits to sign up for jedi daycamp (& coming back to that leia post i might write one day, why the fuck would she want to do jedi training. jedi training has super fucked up her life!). but his nephew, ben’s namesake, shows force sensitivity. for the first time, luke’s not the only person who can carry on the traditions he never really got to learn in the first place. potentially, he has someone who can share his curiosity with

but luke’s not a good teacher. his curiosity comes with impulsiveness. and so he fails his first try at it, in a way that mirrors his first try at being a jedi. only this time he’s not just hurting himself in the cave – he hurts ben. and leia. and han. he knows it, too.

so he leaves. because he doesn’t know what to do. because, for the first time he’s experienced it, the force is frightening and no one’s prepared him for this side of it. he exiles himself, because his journey has been one of exile ever since dagobah. he’s on his own, because who can he talk to? where is the handbook for So You Scared Your Apprentice To the DarkSide? it’s in a fucking tree somewhere a billion light years away that yoda lights on fucking fire, thanks yoda

luke is the first of the new, but being new means not having experience to draw on. it’s Telling that, in his exile, he is looking for answers from the ancient order. because luke’s still a student, still learning, too

so, let’s talk TLJ:

let’s say you really fucked up an exam. it was the most important exam of your life. and you straight up fucked it. F-. suspension. your photo’s hanging up on a wall of shame somewhere

now imagine some kid shows up to your depression den, uninvited, and demands that you tutor them in the exact same material you fucked up in previously. by the way, she’s sent by the sister you irreversibly hurt, apparently galactic freedom depends on it, and she’s learning Force Shit from that nephew you almost killed in a Panic. 

it’s pretty understandable that you’d want to do one of two things: A. tell her no don’t do it, and/or B. maybe see what you can figure out from some old textbooks

except the textbooks suck because they were written by even more shitty teachers. this is the book your professor wrote and made you buy with no resale value. it hasn’t been revised or updated. this is first edition knowledge in a thirteenth edition galaxy. you, and this kid, and your nephew, are all on your own. you have no idea how to fix this shit. people have possibly died because of it. more people might die if you keep trying without knowing all there is to know about the force– what it can do, how it can manifest in people. the very thing that has been your strength your whole life (curiosity, a sense of adventure!, raw talent) is getting people killed

also yoda set the fucking books on fire

all three of the candidates for the title of the last jedi (luke, ben, rey) expect a legacy to inherit, a place in a more meaningful universe. they’re all, ultimately, disappointed. how they react to this disappointment is important: ben wants to burn it down. rey wants to fight for something new. 

luke faces it. he apologizes to ben and leia. he fights for the Big Good in what is once again, a solo fight. that is personal. that is about family.

luke, unlike the jedi before him, learns how to be a teacher. he dies alone for it. 

fuck anyone who says this version of luke is inferior, weaker, or OOC. i don’t want my heroes to get everything right on the first try– because no one does.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #208

"if you want to soar with vultures, you'll have to swallow crow."

What may we call you? Brittany/Britt or Ozz/Ozzy. When can we send you a birthday card? (Figuratively, of course.): February 5th. And, where are you calling from? (Again, figuratively.): Please free me of the sweltering grip of North Carolina. What is your favorite Hostess/Little Debbie snack? BIIIIIIHHHHH that's too hard. I love that shit. I love the honeybuns, Twinkies, those little chocolate cupcakes... and really just most things lkdjalksdjwoe. Do you/your family buy loaf from the bakery or bagged on the shelf? Bagged. White, wheat or other? Mom usually buys whitewheat, but sometimes just wheat because she knows I prefer it. Have you ever fixed something without knowing just how you did it? I'm sure I have at some point. When was the last time you were on a plane? Last December. Where were you going and why? To Sara's for her birthday. What’s the best news you’ve gotten lately? Mom found a serious deal for a brand new Canon camera with more focal length range than my previous one and she bought it right in time for the wedding I shot yesterday. :') ^And, the worst? My niece may already be developing schizophrenia. If you could invent something, what would it be? Uhhhh... just one is hard. I literally just thought about this for like 5+ minutes and can't think of one singular invention that would actually be important. Well, maybe some sort of totally natural, long-lasting preservative for food? That'd help so many people and would greatly decrease the amount of fruits and such we waste, and it would also save money with probably slightly decreasing the frequency of grocery shopping. Tell me about your favorite pair of pants. I literally just have black yoga/dance pants lmao. Do you like getting dressed up? NO. Is your technology up to date? Depends on how "up-to-date" you mean. My stuff definitely isn't totally current. Ever been stuck next to someone really annoying on a LONG plane/train ride? Nah. Would you be embarrassed to find out you snored loudly in public? Yeah. Are you afraid of heights? Yes, to a degree. What is a compliment you get most often? "I like your hair"/stuff like that. Tell me about the last frightening/weird dream you had. This is hard, I like, never remember my dreams. Now, about the last pleasant dream you had. AHA I actually do remember this one: I got the rare-as-all-fuck and beautiful as all hell heavenly onyx cloud serpent in WoW, which I've tried getting every week for years. @_@ My eyes like popped open and I nearly gasped. Do you feel guilty about killing bugs? Sometimes. If there is a spider in your room, will you be up all night knowing that? YUP. How do you feel about coconut? I hate it. ^ Ever cracked one open? No. If you like someone, what do you do? Generally get shy and smile a lot when interacting with them. If you DON’T like someone, what do you do? Try to avoid being around them, keep talking to them to a minimum. What do you feel most insecure about? What DON'T I feel insecure about? Do you do your part to save the earth? I do what I can as not an independent adult (ex., I don't have my own car, so we don't drive to the dump). I turn the water off when brushing my teeth, I don't linger in the shower, I absolutely will not litter, things like that. Does it ROYALLY piss you off when your intended username is already taken? Yeesh, it doesn't even make me mad, it's just annoying. Describe your sunglasses. I don't have any. What’s the most you’ve spent on a pair of sunglasses? N/A ^Or, ladies, what about a purse? No clue, but definitely not a lot. Actually, what’s the most expensive clothing item/accessory you own? Again, I don't know. What is your favorite spoken language to listen to? Latin. Is there a TV switched on in the room you’re in? There is no TV. If so, what’s on? N/A What room of the house are you in anyway? My bedroom. Do you own anything that is special edition? I think some games, maybe? Maybe other things? Do you have any funky bookmarks? I have one of those moving 3D ones of meerkats. Do you know anyone with a British accent? Not personally. Are you reading any books at the moment? No. If so, tell me the plot briefly. N/A. When did you last get delivery pizza? A few weeks back. Drake Bell or Josh Peck? Back when the show was current, I preferred Drake. I know nothing about him now; Josh is cool, though. When was the last time you had a tick on you? EW idk I don't even wanna think about it. Do you watch Adult Swim? No, I hate it. It's crawling with immature humor. Have you been to the Grand Canyon? No. What is your favorite type of donut? Glazed or plain. Who usually makes dinner in your household? Mom. Name ALL the colors you’re wearing. Oh jeez, I have on a really colorful Day of the Dead-style skull tank top. Literally like every possible color. Are there more females or males in your family? Females. Have you submitted anything to Urban Dictionary? No. Did you have a Gameboy? If so, do you still have it? Yes to both. Is there a playground anywhere near your house? Define "near." Not very. Does anyone in your family snore loudly? Mom. What’s your favorite cereal? Probably Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Or Crunch Berries, the all berries kind. Do you read reddit? If so, how often and what subreddits do you like? No. Do you know anyone who’s had a baby recently? An old best friend from high school. When was the last time you ate marshmallows? Not since Sara was here and we had s'mores last summer. Do you listen to any podcasts? How do you listen to them? No. What brand of toilet paper do you usually buy? I don't pay attention to whatever Mom gets. Why did you leave your last job? The stress was giving me panic attacks. Have you ever eaten at a restaurant and left without paying? No. What was the last thing that made you laugh out loud? Probably Mark or GameGrumps. How old were you when you first became sexually active? 16. What’s your opinion on The Simpsons? I don't have one. Do you know anyone who has been through a divorce? Plenty of people. Do you have to pay for parking in most places in the town/city you live in? No. Can you hear lots of traffic from your house? Does it bother you? A moderate amount. We live on a busy road. Would someone being either a cat or dog person effect you dating them? No. What is the smallest thing you lose your temper over instantly? Hm, idk. Talk to me like I'm an idiot will definitely get me, actually. What’s a job that doesn’t get enough respect? Mfckn teachers. They are WAY WAY WAY underpaid. What did you take for granted until you visited another country? Never left the country. What is the worst first date you’ve been on? Tyler had a flat tire, and we had to walk to the gas station for something I don't remember and back to the sketchy tire place, and it was SO cold and windy. It didn't actually bother me, like he felt godawful and it wasn't like it was in his power, but from a date standpoint, yeah, that was an event. Who is your favorite scientist and why? I'm not educated enough on various scientists for this. Do you prefer emoticons or emoji? Emoticons. What’s the hardest task you’ve ever had to do? Open my mind in partial hospitalization to let Jason go and recover. How did you meet your pet? Teddy was from a friend of a family friend who knew we were looking for a dog. He was a present for me, so I didn't actually pick him, but rather Ashley chose the last remaining puppy with brown on him, and boy did she make the best decision. Roman was one of the shitload of kittens Ash's mother-in-law had; I was immediately drawn to him with his beautiful blue eyes. <3 Venus was from an online hub of ball python breeders, and I just absolutely fell in love with her colors. Kaiju and Mitsu were both from Craigslist. Do you look like any of your grand- or great-grandparents? I don't have a clue. Did/Do you have any PEZ dispensers? Oh yeah. Do you like grapes or raisins better? I only like grapes. What is the most extreme weather your area has ever experienced? I looked it up; the coldest in history is -9*, highest is 105*. Is there anything you plan on watching on TV today? No. Are there any broken appliances in your house? Maybe. Mom may still have my old Sager in hopes of fixing it one day or something, but I feel like we finally got rid of it. What color is the lampshade in the room you’re in? I don't have a lamp in here. At school, what is/was your worst area in math? I don't remember. Have Jehovah's Witnesses ever called to your door? Yes. Do you ever throw money in those ‘wishing’ wells? No. Waste of coins. Ever take money out of them? No. Are you well known by people in your area? No. What is the picture on the desktop on the computer you’re using? A meerkat. Have you ever had your future told? No. Do you 'spit on it’, to seal a deal? No no no ew. Have you ever experienced sleep paralysis? No, thank god. If so, have you had any scary hallucinations? N/A Do you believe in ghosts? Totally. Would you ever stay overnight in a haunted house? Sure thing. When was the last time you had an injection? What for? Months ago when I was getting a cavity filled at the dentist. For some reason, I would NOT go totally numb until they gave me like 5+ doses. Is there anything you cannot wait to be over? This eternally-looping groundhog's day bullshit. I want a job, to be in school, friends, just a damn purpose. Do you have any enemies? "Enemies," no. People I don't like that also don't like me, yes. What was the last thing you had done at the dentist? Speak of the dentist, lol. Said cavity filling. Do you scrunch your face up when eating sour things? No, I'm not very affected by sour things. As a child, did you ever get the chance to go to Disney World/Disneyland? World, yes. <3 Are you someone who is really committed to politics in your area/country? No. When was the last time you were on a boat? Where did you travel on it? Two summers ago when I was fishing with Colleen, her husband, and dad. Does your family ever have any kind of weird traditions in your house? No. What would you consider your favorite movie from a different decade? The Lion King. Do you ever take bubble baths only to relax yourself in some way? I never take any kind of bath. When was the last time you were sick? What were you sick with and why? I don't remember. Have you ever wanted your significant other to get rid of a friend? Yes, though I had serious reason, but I wasn't in any way demanding about it/nothing was actually affected by them remaining friends. If you have siblings, have they moved out or do they still live with you? They've both moved out. Do you know anyone who has or has had any kind of mental illness/disorder? I'd love to meet someone who can possibly say "no" to this. Do you ever go to Blockbuster? How frequently would you say you go? *stares off into the distance wistfully* Is your mother a stay-at-home mother or does she work somewhere? She never stops working. What food would you just want to disappear off the face of the earth? Nothing? I'm not going to take away the diet of people depending on some source I just happen to hate. Do movies with super heroes intrigue you in any way? Why is this? Yeah, I just like fantasy stuff, and I enjoy the majority of the plots. I also just enjoy the idea of superheroes existing. Do you watch those late-night talk shows? What’s the best part about them? No. Do you ever listen to music so you can actually change your emotion? I try to sometimes. Do you like shopping alone? I've never really shopped alone. Does your best girlfriend have any talents that you don’t? Yeah, like she can animate pretty well! Have you ever written a song? I wrote a fucking song to the Nintendogs theme as a kid lmfao. Does anybody send you money in the mail for your birthday? My grampa always did, but he's sadly passed away, so now, no. Do you own any shirts that have a year on it? Ha ha, I have a Back to the Future shirt stored somewhere with the date on it, and it says "I was there." What do you think about mullets? I absolutely hate them. Would you rather date an actor or an athlete? I find actors more talented. I'd be afraid of an athlete s/o getting hurt, too. Do you have any scratches on your cell phone? No. Somehow. When was the last time you blushed? I don't remember, it's definitely been a while. Who is one person you met and automatically didn’t like? A doctor for my tremors. She was a BITCH with just such an unlikable, dull personality. Never went back to her. Do you have any video game systems in your room? Which one(s)? I have a Nintendo DS Lite somewhere... and then my laptop is actually a gaming laptop. What movie coming out do you really want to see? The. Live action. TLK. First day? I'm fuckin' THERE son. Is your skin tone lighter or darker than your mom’s? We're about the same. What is the best thing about the beach? All I care about is if the water's warm. Have you ever done another person’s make-up? I gave Jason a makeover once lmao. Have you ever spied on your neighbor? No. Do you think they’ve ever spied on you? No. What color eyes does the last person you kissed have? Brown. Honestly, do you double dip? No, I break chips apart. I will if I'm eating by myself, though. What color is your birthstone? Purple. What is one thing you don’t like sharing? Hmmm. Oh, probably candy, lmao. Where on your body would you NEVER get a piercing? Downstairs. Which Adam Sandler movie do you like the most? He's been in so many, I don't have a clue. I like him, though. Who was one of your first celebrity crushes? Jesse McCartney was my husband. Did your parents ever read stories to you before bed? Mom did. What are you listening to? "Queen For Queen" by Motionless In White. Do you like hickeys? If they're not in an obvious spot. Do you hate the person you fell the hardest for? No. When was the last time you talked to one of your best friends? I don't have a best friend besides Sara, and I talk to her everyday. Is there someone that makes you happy every time you see them? Sara. Do you believe what goes around comes around? Not always. Do you have any summer plans yet? No. I'd like to go up and visit Sara, but I have no clue if that'll happen, especially with me trying so hard to get a job. Do you have any good friends of the opposite sex? One. Do you have a secret that you’ve never told anyone? Yes. Have you ever regretted kissing someone? Yes. Do you think age matters in relationships? To an extent when a minor is involved. Even huge gaps in adult relationships creep me out, but there's nothing morally wrong with it. How many people have you had real, strong feelings for since high school ended? Two. Do you believe exes can be friends? It depends on the intensity of the relationship, I think. Plus what went wrong. Did you ever lose a best friend? Yeah. Has the last person you kissed ever seen you cry? Lol poor thing's seen me sob. Are most of your friend guys or girls? Girls. When was the last time you took a long drive? A few days ago to my psychiatrist. About an hour drive. Have you ever played Spin the Bottle? No. Have you ever TP'd someone’s house? Well, considering I've never been that damn immature, no. Who do you text the most? Sara. What was the last movie you saw? Detective Pikachu. It was cute, although I was expecting it to be more targeted towards an older audience with Ryan Reynolds playing Pikachu. (I knew nothing about it going into it.) Are you a monogamous person or do you believe in open-ended relationships? I'm monogamous. What do you most like about making out? The touching/caressing. Have you ever casually made out with someone who you weren’t seriously involved with? No. Would you get involved with someone if they had a child already? No. Do you miss your last sweetie? Not romantically. It'd be nice to hang out again, though. Have you ever gotten back in touch with an old flame after a time of more than 3 months of no communication? No. If you could kiss anyone who would it be? Y'all been known. What’s your favorite flavor of soda, pop or whatever else you call it? Blue raspberry. Have you ever attended a religious or private school? Yes; I went to Sunday school. How many cars does your household own? One. What time do you usually have dinner? 4:00 for fasting reasons. What’s your favorite meat? Probably chicken. Do you need glasses to read or drive or need them all the time? I always need them. Are you a very forgetful person? I'm so forgetful that I literally sometimes have borderline anxiety attacks that I'm developing dementia or something at age 23 lmao. What is the best gift anyone has ever gotten for you? My dog. Do you look anything like you did 3 years ago? I guess somewhat, though I was way bigger and my hair was much longer. Have you done something dramatic to your looks in the past year? No. Make up or no make up? I think everyone inevitably looks better with make-up as it enhances features and dulls imperfections, but I personally couldn't care less if you wear it or not. I almost never do, so I can't talk. What’s your favorite thing to watch on the TV? IF I was to watch TV now, probably things like animal documentaries. Would you rather be anorexic or obese? Actually go fuck yourself. Do you upload videos to YouTube? Definitely not regularly. I don't know the next time I'll make one. Do you own any albums by Michael Jackson? No. Do you like your phone on silent or vibrate? Vibrate. Do you like Beavis and Butthead? I don't watch it, but it honestly seems pretty damn stupid. What do you believe happens after we die? Who even knows, really. I believe there's something after we die, but we'll have to wait to find out what. Does the concept of eternity scare you? It kinda... does, actually? Like, wouldn't it get boring eventually? Are you happy that you were born and raised where you were? I suppose. Are your parents still together? No. Do you know anyone who is pregnant right now? Yes, and I want to see their fckng son he's gonna be so cute. She's due soon and I pray I get to take pictures of him. Is there a band you like but don’t like the people in it? Blood On The Dance Floor and Otep. Well, Otep is respectable in some areas, but all things considered, she is a bitch. What tabs do you have open right now? Fucking five YouTube tabs, dA, and Tumblr. Who was the last person to write on your wall on Facebook? No clue, and I don't feel like looking. Have you ever seen a tornado in person? Thank Christ in Heaven no. Are you between the ages of 30 & 40? No. How much was a gallon of gasoline when you first started driving? I have no clue, when I got my permit. What was your first car? N/A Who taught you how to drive? My driver's ed teacher and my mom. What was your high school mascot? A firebird. Did you go to your senior prom? Yes. What did you do after graduation? Honestly? I don't even remember, almost at all, lmao. I either went to Jason's or went home/Jason came with me. Any posters on your bedroom walls growing up? When Nicole and I shared a room, she literally covered the fucking walls in Jonas Brothers shit while I was at a friend's house, and I was. Very. Very. Unhappy. Do you remember the first time you drank a beer? I've never had beer, don't want to. Did you ever try cigarettes? No. How did you spend your summers growing up? Swimming, hanging out with friends, playing outside, riding bikes, playing softball with Dad, playing video games... If you could change anything from your teenage years, would you? Hey, could I have been like, a happy teenager??? Do you remember your first time? No considering at that time I didn't realize it essentially was sex, so it wasn't something that stood out at the time. After high school - straight to college or straight to work? I went straight to college. Favorite home-cooked meal growing up? Spaghetti. Favorite place to eat out growing up? It was probably McDonald's. How many stuffed animals do you own? I literally have multiple huge bags in the attic of childhood stuffed animals I couldn't get rid of, lmao. Are you good at comebacks? WOW no. When’s the last time you watched the news? I don't have the slightest idea. Do you love Christmas time? Of course. Do you really think that the number 13 is unlucky? No. What’s your favorite flavor of cough drops? Omggg I love those strawberry ones. Do you have a fan in your room? Yes. I wouldn't survive without it. Do you think Cookie Monster is cute? I don't really feel either way. Do you like candy canes? Yes. Have you ever had a dream where you killed someone? Yes. Which is worse: stuffy nose or runny nose? Probably stuffy? I don't have a runny nose much, but I've got pleeeenty of experience with stuffy noses. Which is worse: Sick to your stomach or sore throat? THE FORMER. What’s your favorite smiley face? c: Do you think your last relationship was a disaster? No. How many concerts have you been to? One. :/ Would you ever join a band? If I was actually talented with the guitar, maybe, but as things are now, nope. Which internet browser do you use? Chrome. Do you know anyone who is a firefighter? No. What was the last wedding you went to? Just a few days ago for a lady who contacted me about shooting hers. It was a great one, and honestly wonderful to see an interracial wedding here in the South. You do nooot see that everyday. What’s your favorite alcoholic beverage? Margaritas. When was the last time you saw a photo of your ex? Probably the last time I was uploading pictures from my old phone; it's the one I take the once-a-year selfie because the Samsung camera is ACTUAL trash. Do you “binge-watch” TV shows? No. Well actually, on the occasions Sara and I have, I can only handle a handful at a time before I completely lose focus on it or, at that time anyway, interest. What is your opinion of clowns? I don't have one. Do you play any games on your phone? Only Pokemon GO if I'm somewhere I can actually play it. Do you plan ahead when it comes to your outfits? No. Have you ever shaved your face? We have this tiny automatic razor thing for your upper lip, and I use that like once a month or less because yay having dark body hair. What color is your front door? White. What was the last vaccination you got? Whatever those mandatory ones are when you become a teenager. Idr. Would you ever try herbal medicine as opposed to conventional medicine? No. If I need medicine for something, I'm using something I know works. Have you ever been to a petting zoo? I think as a kid? Do/did you have a curfew set by your parents? It wasn't heavily enforced, but Mom preferred I be home by 10 if I went somewhere. How many times have you consumed alcohol? *shrugs* When was the last time you wore a hat? What kind? I have noooo clue. When was the last time you sang an ENTIRE song? Good question. I rarely sing an entire song, rather just parts. Do you consider yourself to be attractive? I don't mind my face, but I do NOT like my body, so overall, no. Are you addicted to anything? Technology. What are you craving right now? I've had an insane craving for hot dogs on the grill for like a week now lmao. Mom's doing that and buying some drinks today for the two of us. I wanted my sisters to come for some family time, but my younger sister has homework, and then Ash and kids like... never come here. "Because of the dogs," according to her husband, but I don't believe that. Are you a forgiving person? I'm way too forgiving. Do you have a brother? Yes. Have you ever had a dream of stabbing someone? WHOA actually I think I semi-recently had a nightmare of me going ham stabbing someone for some reason I don't remember. What would you want your last words to be if you could choose them? "I love you" or then "see you on the other side" is cute to me and also indicates we'll be together again. So probably the latter. What band can’t you stand listening to? I reeeaaally dislike Mumford and Sons. His voice is awful. What is your favorite mystery/crime/FBI related show? Does Sherlock count as a mystery show? Would you ever have a bird as a pet? Nah. How’s your relationship between you and your grandparents? Not wonderful. I don't like her very much, and evidence says I'm not her favorite person, either. Do you have a photographic memory? No. Have you ever had to speak at a funeral? No. Do you know someone who’s been cremated? Hm, don't think so. Have you ever talked to someone when they were high? Yes. Your ex is on the side of the road, on fire. What do you do? Uh, call 911??? Dunk water on him if at all possible? I'm not just gonna drive past anyone who's on fucking fire. It’s 2 in the morning and you get a text message, who is it most likely? Sara. I only ever text her and Mom, and Mom would be right outside my door asleep, so. Ever cried while you were on the phone with someone? Is there anyone who hasn't? When was the last time you saw your father? Not since his birthday last month. Do you like any of Justin Bieber’s songs? No. Any time when you need to search something on the Internet, which search engine do you use? Google. Do you believe saving your virginity for marriage or no? I don't care. I believe in saving it for someone you truly, deeply love. When you were a kid, did you ever like Barney? Yes. Omfg I just remembered something with my older sister; when she was little, Barney was her "boyfriend." She was "talking on the phone" with him once, and when Mom interrupted her, she scoffed and said, "I'm talking to Barney." And then Ash and Barney had an ACTUAL "ceremony" for a divorce. That's a thing that happened. What’s the capital of state, country, or providence you live in? Raleigh. When you open your web browser, what is your home page set to? Why did you select this? Google. I think it was automatically set. Would you allow a camera crew to follow you around and make a reality series out of your life (no matter how boring it is) if you got paid well? Why? No. I'd get so fucking annoyed, I'd feel under constant scrutiny, and I don't want fame. If your car broke down would you call a friend or family member to pick you up or would you call AAA (or something like it)? I'd call my mom and listen to her on what to do from there. Do you put a lot of thought into the gifts you buy for people? YEAH. It's rare I actually have my own money to buy gifts for anyone, so when I can, I think hard. On an average day do your thoughts tend to be more positive or negative? Negative, I think. Do you ever trust anyone else to drive your car? If you don’t have a car, do your friends and family ever allow you to drive their vehicles? I don't have my own, but Mom lets me drive hers. Name at least one thing you like about each season. Winter: SNOW. Spring: Flowers!! Summer: swimming. Autumn: visuals. What amount of time do you think is perfect for a vacation? I guess a week?

[centaurianthropology]

The Magnus Archives ‘A Matter of Perspective’ (S03E26) Analysis

Melanie takes the reins for this outing, and we get a statement that has been hinted at since early season 3.  After that, there are particularly fun revelations, then … well, then.  The good times just can’t last on this show, can they?

Come on in to hear what I thought about ‘A Matter of Perspective.’

It’s interesting to contrast Melanie’s presentation style from Jon and Martin’s.  She very much still has an entertainer’s training and instincts.  She’s the only one who cues herself and gives a clap like she expects cutting and editing after.  And yet she seems as gripped by the personality of the statement as they are. It’s hard to tell where her instinct for entertainment ends and the Archivist begins, but suffice to say she’s blurring the line.  She’s not as deep into it as Martin and Jon, but she feels it.

The statement itself is a different perspective on the Daedalus Station, this time from the elusive Jan Kilbride, who has been referenced several times this season.  He’s clearly someone touched by the Vast, and was picked for the mission quite specifically by ‘Mr Fairchild’, likely Simon Fairchild.  So we’ve had the person picked by the Lukases (totally isolated, saw the Earth vanish), and the Fairchilds (got sent so far out from the Earth he perceived the Vast). That probably means that Manuela was chosen by the People’s Church of the Divine Host.  One wonders what sort of experiment they requested of her.

I love that we got to see Simon Fairchild again, even if only for a moment.  Of all the potential human monsters, I have a soft spot for this guy, who seems to me to be the horrific TMA version of a wacky wizard.  He seems to focus on people who were already drawn to the Vast, and then he gives them far more of it than he could ever want. He’s always struck me as the sort of character who knows perfectly well that most people he throws at the Vast end up dead, but he can’t see why that should be a bad thing.  He’s giving them what they want.  It might not come in a palatable form, but they still did want it, at least at the beginning.  Of all the parties in TMA, he often seems the most jovial in his perspective.

We know that he’s trying to find the Vast, and has been collecting pieces of it, experiences of its various facets.  I have to wonder, then, if Kilbride wasn’t his greatest success.  What Kilbride perceived between the stars, far out beyond our own solar system, seems as close as we’ve come to the whole of one of the great old ones. Something so vast his mind couldn’t even comprehend it, couldn’t pick out its edges or define it in any way besides its Vastness.  Was this merely another aspect of the Vast, or did he touch the being itself?  Could he touch the being itself?  

I feel like he hit the nail on the head when he stated that we cannot truly perceive the great old ones, and they can’t really perceive us on any meaningful level.  Their aspects interact with us, but more like we’d interact with ants or other very small insects we notice.  We crush them or brush them aside or sometimes just move them away.  Some of them we take a liking to for a brief moment, and we’re gentle with them, but we forget them soon.  That’s the best analogy to the great old ones I can think of.  The Vast is, in many ways, that enormous incomprehensibility made manifest.  

Once the statement was done, it was also interesting to hear Melanie’s reaction to it.  She seems startled that it’s done, but less so because she seems to be waking up from the sort of out-of-body experience that Jon and Martin go through.  If anything, she seems more like season 1 Jon (and I think there’s a reason those two clash so often, as they are remarkably similar in some ways), wanting to dismiss Kilbride’s experiences, particularly as he didn’t describe ever returning to the Daedalus.  She acknowledges the reality of the supernatural, yes, but without good evidence she has a hard time believing the statement.

Then Basira arrives, and their snarky chats are things I need a lot more of in my life.  The two actresses have great chemistry, and through them we got some wonderful little revelations about the other characters and how they’re perceived by Melanie and Basira.

The first thing that happened was the confirmation that Martin’s little crush on Jon is not only canon, but has probably been noticed by everyone except Jon.  Basira and Melanie both agree that Martin got rather hostile when he found out Jon was confiding in them rather than him, which is fantastic.  I’ve read that sort of thing into so many shows, only to have them deny it later. To have it outright confirmed by the other characters that Martin has it bad for Jon, and that his crush explains a lot of his actions?  Yeah, that’s awesome.  

And the awesome kept coming with the following revelation, second-hand from Georgie, that Jon is asexual. Apparently not aromantic, as he and Georgie did date for a time, but asexual.  It’s fantastic to see representations of various sexualities so seamlessly integrated into the show, and for each of them to fit the characters so well.  As soon as they got confirmed, it felt like an ‘of course’ moment.  Of course Tim is bisexual.  Of course Martin is in love with Jon.  Of course Jon is asexual.  It just works.

I don’t know if they planned on dropping these revelations during Pride, but it’s really fun nonetheless. I feel like this is the best way to do LGBT representation: by simply integrating it when it seems appropriate to the character and the situation.  By not making it some ‘very special episode’.  We got confirmation about Martin and found out more about Jon just through some office gossip.  It makes my heart happy (and, yes, the Dinghy shipper in me more than a bit pleased too). Like, seriously.  Fucking solid job, TMA.

And then.  

And then, Elias.

Fuck me, I wasn’t anticipating that poor Melanie’s dad was at Ivy Meadows, the nursing home taken over by John Amhurst and torn apart by the plague of insects and disease that accompanied him in ‘Taken Ill’.  That remains one of the nastier episodes of TMA ever, and to know that Melanie lost a relative to that, and didn’t even know is horrible.  Even more horrible was how she found out how her grandfather died, by Elias inflicting the information and possibly even some of the feelings he went through upon her.  

His desire to maintain control over those around him, to maintain a true stranglehold on the Institute, is horrifying in its scope and ruthlessness.  And we now know he can take information and plant it into the memories of those who weren’t there.  Turning the truth into a weapon continues to be his cruelest trick, and I hate to think what he might do to Tim or to Martin if they tried to turn on him.  

One thing’s for certain, I don’t think this is going to work out the way he wants it to.  He thinks that this will break Melanie, but she has a core of rage that I think will only get stoked by this.  She may well act cowed, but her mind is still her own. Elias can hear words and see actions, but so far as we can tell, he isn’t a mind-reader.  So Melanie’s can and will still plan.  She might not be able to directly research now, but that doesn’t stop her from plotting.  If he wanted to convince her that he didn’t deserve to die, this sure as hell wasn’t the way.  I think it’s fairly certain that Melanie will kill Elias, but the repercussions of that action … yeah, I worry.

Because Elias does use the truth as a weapon, so I have a tendency to believe him.  He obfuscates, but he rarely outright lies to people. He gets too much satisfaction out of hurting them with the truth as he sees it.  Do I think everyone will drop dead if he dies?  No.  But do I worry that whatever it is that is piggy-backing on Elias like the Archivist piggy-backs on Jon will jump to Melanie when she does it?  Yes.  And then Melanie would become Elias.  Maybe not instantly, but slowly the woman we know would fade, and Miss King would take her place.

Conclusions

An interesting statement (it’s always fascinating when this series really leans into the cosmic part of cosmic horror) from someone I feel like will hold significance in the future. You don’t bring up a character several times and then drop him after a single statement.  

But really, the real meat of this episode came after.  We got confirmation that every single male character in the series is a flavor of queer, that Basira and Melanie’s friendship is excellent and good, and that Elias is 100% the scariest thing on this podcast right now.  Hell of an ending to a good episode all around. This third season is of ridiculous quality, seriously.

And while so much horror is happening, and Elias is absolutely the worst, I am so very pleased with the level of queer representation we just got.  It fits with all the characters, it came out when it felt appropriate for it to come out, and it made my Pride Month feel just a bit more awesome.  Rock on, my very queer podcast.  Rock the fuck on.

[officialthiamlibrary]

Happy Friday!! We’re back at it again, with an exclusive profile of the one, the only @fandomtrashwhore​, aka Marie! You’ve seen her instagram aesthetics, from Hunger Games to Parent Thiam AU to New Years’ AU. And now, we had the opportunity to learn more about her creative process and her life well…behind the screens. Let’s get it started!

Marie! Why not start us off with a simple introduction. Who is fandomtrashwhore? Or the artist behind her? The twist: the word count should be equal or less than the # of letters of the characters in your favorite TW rarepair ship.

Theo Raeken + Mieczyslaw Stilinski = 29

My name is Marie, I’m 19 years old and from Germany. My life is dedicated to my fandoms but besides that I’m an apprentice as an technical product designer.

Ha, I see whatcha did there with ‘Mieczyslaw.’ Smart, very smart! A Technical Product Designer! What does that entail? Do you like it so far?

I don’t know if there’s a perfect translation for it and I’m bad at explaining (that’s why I’m not a writer and my answers in this interview are gonna be shit :’D). I like the 3D drawing part most and till now I’m quite good at it and even ‘job school’ is pretty good. I feel like Hermione cause I always know the answer and my grades are on point af (which definitely wasn’t like that in my previous schools. I never said anything in class).

Pst, who said you have to be a good writer to have a good time? Just do you haha. That’s what we’re all here for any. That’s super interesting though. What’s another thing our fandom would be surprised to know about you?

I have to confess that I didn’t really mind Theo or Liam before season 6? Like I knew they were there and I liked them but I was too focussed on other characters + I didn’t know they wanted to end Teen Wolf then and felt like they wanted to shove the main pack away to replace it with Liam and his gang. (Now I’m all over the puppy pack ).

AND I watched the whole show till 5B or season 6 (not so sure) in one go and that’s why it felt like Theo and Liam both joined around the same time. (Even if there was one whole season between them…wtf.) I remember that I sometimes couldn’t even tell who was Liam and who was Theo cause I thought that they ‘looked alike’…BITCH WHERE? This is more than embarrassing, but every time I watch a show in one go I have trouble learning the names (when the name is said in the show I usually know who they mean but if I talk about it to someone I sometimes can’t remember the names cause I watched 3 seasons within a week…. :’D ). I definitely need to rewatch and appreciate them more this time cause they’re such amazing characters.

*Actually Cackling* Were there any other characters you were hazy on? Like, would Garrett be the “angry, tiny blonde one” to you?

No it’s embarrassing af. :’D And I know who Garrett is and what he did and he was indeed an angry tiny blonde kid, but I don’t remember details. Sadly (I mean I think he only was there for a few episodes so I don’t think there was much detail so I’m good as long as I know his storyline). :’D

Truth. When I started watching Supernatural, until (at least) midseason 2, I called both Sam and Dean, DeanSam cause they were always together when someone addressed them. So, you’re not alone, eek. Now, THAT’S embarrassing.

So, how did you go from ‘kid, what’s your name?!’ to Thiam instagram aesthetics and our fandom? What drew you in?

I think I jumped on the train quite late (cause as I said I didn’t really mind them), but I think I shipped them before but just realized it last season. So, I think I first felt something for them during their fight in the hospital because I was ‘fun-shipping’ them (not really fun but I wasn’t deep into it cause I didn’t bother checking their ship name or anything but I was like ‘lol. They’re gay for each other) during 6B and then I completely lost it in episode 6 of that season and realized that it is a real thing and it’s love.

From that moment I was a mess and died the last few episodes cause I thought they either make it canon or kill Theo off (and maybe make it canon) but neither happened so….ok. :’D I’m sad that I only had like two weeks left with them but since then it’s been a wild ride and they brought me new internet friends ( a whole pack) and made me tumblr fame … it’s crazy how inspiring they are for edits. I just can’t stop. :’D

BUT how I found my way into the Teen Wolf fandom is a bit funnier I think…(at least for me) :’D

This has now become the moment where I ask, “Marie, can you tell us how you got into the Teen Wolf fandom? Lol”

Idk if it’s funny if you don’t know my friends and me personally. But I always had this little group to talk about series with. Mostly The Walking Dead and Game Of Thrones but sometimes other series. A friend of mine, Lucas, once mentioned that there’s a series called ‘teen wolf or something like that’ and that he knows that one character looks like one of our classmates (his name is Tobi). He was talking about Derek and even showed me a pic AND HE REALLY FUCKING LOOKS LIKE HIM (I mean in close up you know it’s not him but you know…).

He already had a beard really really soon (he looked like 20 when he was 15 or something because of it) BUT NOW he looks even more like Derek cause I met him again, like a year ago, in a club and he lost weight and is working out now and….he’s really a Derek look alike (I wish I could show you but privacy…).

After laughing about that I never heard about that series again till I watched the trailer on youtube, and I have no idea why, but it was around new years eve 2015 to 2016 cause I thought about starting it and told a friend of mine on new years eve and showed her the trailer and she also thought it was cool and we started it about a week after that and binge watched the shit out of it.

BUT I ALWAYS HAD THAT PICTURE OF MY CLASSMATE IN MIND WHEN I SAW DEREK. And I still call Derek Tobi when I talk to my best friend who doesn’t watch teen wolf about teen wolf and want to explain something to her.

Lol are you kidding me?! That’s hilarious! And, I’ll raise you. I have a friend Michael who is a spitting image of Scott–skin tone, jaw, hair and all. I wonder if your Tobi/Derek and my Michael/Scott met, would they have a Scott-Derek-esque relationship haha! Since we’ve veered towards Friends, let’s say you, 4 characters from TW, and 1 of you personal friend were living in a Friends-type sitcom. Who’d you bring into your inner circle and which antics would yall get up to?

Ok! This is exciting! So it would be Stiles, Theo, Mason, Liam and my best friend Michelle (she doesn’t watch teen wolf but the hell do I care). We would just be such a funny sassy pack. Do you know that ‘meme’: ‘My friendship comes in 3 levels: Sass, insults, inappropriate sexual humor’? That would be so us. Michelle and me are basically Stiles and that meme describes our friendship so well; we’re really soulmates so I want the whole pack to become that close too.. Theo is a sassy ass anyways and Mason is also on fire.

Liam would suffer under our jokes and always be the one who makes bad jokes only he laughs about and the rest just laughs about him, but we still love him. Michelle and me would ship the hell out of Theo and Liam (and Mason and Corey are goals af). Mason would be sceptical at first but together with Corey–I can’t have Mason without Corey…sorry?–we get him to join us.

Sometimes, Liam and Theo even go with it and flirt for fun just to piss Stiles off who somehow ended up stuck with us after Scott left for college and Stiles decided to quit the FBI and now works as a police officer at the station. Of course, Thiam gets real and no one really notice it at first cause we think it’s just another prank on Stiles until we catch them making out in my kitchen during a pack meeting. There are also a few other pranks since we’re the sassy pack. Stiles mostly uses his position as a police officer, like towing our cars or getting us a ticket. Theo’s pranks are a bit shocking at the beginning since he needs to learn how to be a decent human being. Liam and my pranks fail most of the time. Michelle and Mason are the prank master team; they always come up with the craziest ideas.

Yassss of course, Corey would be there. There’s always a significant other who’s there so often, they become part of the group lol. That sounds like my kind of party, all the chaos and sassy destruction. All the creativity, it’s the perfect segway to our next topic of the day: fandomtrashwhore, aka your creativity.

If your creativity was a person, what type would they be? What would they do? Wear? Listen to? Handle conflict?

I think it would just be a furious working single mother? Cause during the week I’m working and even if I have nothing to do after work I only seem to be able to edit at weekends and then I sacrifice my whole weekend to it like it’s my child. And furious cause once I have an idea in my head, I drown myself in pic finding which can be so exhausting and I bet I look like a stressed single mom during that cause I’m having so many tabs open and so many search phrases to throw at google in my head at the same time.

I also have specific pics in my head and I could cry if I don’t find a perfect pic to fit that image in my head. I mostly listen to the Airplanes playlist I made while editing but I also love artists like Ed Sheeran and Halsey so that would also fit quite well to keep that person calm and grounded. I also think my creative process is quite vulnerable and moody cause sometimes I can’t wait to edit and other times I feel like I never want to edit again and I need to force myself to (during editing I love it again tho). And vulnerable cause like I said I hate when I can’t find a decent pic and could cry. Same goes for if the app crashes during a long edit or if something won’t go how I want it and my patience dies.

Does that single mother furiously create outside of the Thiam fandom too?

Yes, I do social media au’s for all my fandoms (at least I want to, till now I only have a few.)  I’m not a writer but I have a started Sherlock fanfic with a trailer (I like the trailer tho and some one shots to several fandoms on wattpad. I’m ashamed of them cause I’m a bad writer but I can’t stop trying :’D So here’s my Wattpad. Don’t expect too much!!

I mentioned the trailer for my Sherlock before and right now I’m also working on a trailer ( more like ‘short movie’) for and OC (who ended up to be Marie Avgeropoulos) x Negan from The Walking Dead.Till now it’s 13 minutes long and I love the shit out of it. I never drew for a fandom before (german youtube back in the days, I had instagram fanpages. I still have them but I don’t edit for them anymore cause series took over my life. If you know german youtube and are interested contact me but they’re not that important for most of the people reading this, I think. ANYWAYS, what I wanted to say is that I want to draw something Thiam or rather Airplanes themed soon.

Oh AND I and my best friend (Michelle from before) used to write our fanfics (mostly about german youtubers) over whatsapp back in the days. It was legendary but also very unrealistic and hilarious. Sadly, we lost most of them when we got new phones which breaks my heart.

Dang, that’s tragic. Thankfully, you still have the memories. From trailers to Whatsapp/Wattpad fics, they’ve all led you to this moment: Instagram aesthetics. How’re you inspired when choosing a theme?

Most of the time I find a pic that inspires me to an edit theme. E.g., I saw the 3rd pic of The Buck’s party pic on Liam’s profile for the engagement & wedding edit coincidentally on tumblr or something and was like: “Yes, that could be Liam carried by Stiles and the boy on the right is Scott and the girl is Lydia and the pic was taken by Mason….why would something like this situation happen….A BUCK’S PARTY! I NEED TO DO A ENGAGEMENT AND WEDDING AU. Then, the other pictures and ideas just find their way.

I also accept requests (like the new year eve one) or I’m inspired by a post (like for example when I did the Thiam Mykonos one.

And when you search for photos, what’s your process for choosing the best ones?

Most of the time, the story of my au’s is formed by the pics I find. Like I have an idea and look for pics and then I see which pics make a logic story. Most of the time, I don’t know myself how I find so good pics and I bet I could never find them again (I tried once after I lost some), cause I found them so deep in the internet. Mostly, I google pretty weird sentences and I wonder what the NSA is thinking of me. :’D  For example, I googled “Throwing Tampons” for an Airplanes related edit once. I bet whoever observes me thinks I’m a killer when I look for aesthetics (especially when I did the The Walking Dead aesthetics) and googled for bloody pics. I nearly threw up a few times tho while doing so.

Finding pics is a harder job than you might think; I would say it takes more time than the editing itself, but I can’t say for sure cause once I start editing I’m lost in some sort of tunnel and suddenly it’s dark outside. When I want to google for ‘natural’ pics, I mostly add ‘snapchat’ or ‘instagram’ behind it (e.g. ‘couple eating take out food snapchat’). Also, you can find good pics on pinterest (my Pinterest name is ‘Marie Rosa’ btw), especially aesthetical and gay couple pics!

Deciding is even harder cause I often have 50 pics in my folder and can only use 12. Then, I check which one I definitely want to have in the edit and which I liked best and are the most decent ones to the images I had in mind.

When there are people on it, it’s also important that they look like the characters they should portrait. After that, I still have 20 pics left and cry because I love them all. Then I make two new folders to decide which ones are for Liam’s and which ones are for Theo’s profile and then I delete some more pics with a hurting heart (or I save them for other edits some day) and look which pics fit best together (when I edit aesthetics, similar color is a big topic). The biggest mess is when I get more ideas during editing or realize that one pic I thought I liked doesn’t fit at all and stop to look for more pics and the whole order I had is thrown away again and I need to start again. :’D

My goodness, I remember seeing you and Sammy (@glitter-cake20) talk about finding pics before on Discord, but that is…really involved. Are there times when you create your own images instead? If so, which edits/manips have been your favorite?

I would say the Hunger Games one was my best manip, but I also like the one in the Thiam parent AU  where I replaced Cody’s cat with a baby two times. And, nearly all manips I did for my Airplanes series, especially Disney Kiss (I just edited Dylan on Cody’s ex-girlfriend…lol…no regrets), the bowling pic, all the pack video calls in which I added some more heads and the ones of Derek and Stiles in NYC. I also love the one of Mason and Liam carrying watermelons in the Dirty Dancing AU and the whole Daredevil Thiam (+Morey) AU is also one of my favorites cause it’s so aesthetical. I mean in the end I nearly love them all cause I wouldn’t have posted them if not.

You’ve mentioned CaptainMintyFresh’s Airplanes a few times. What inspired the idea to make instagram posts for the guys’ journey? So far, which has been your favorite chapter to conceptualize? And why?

I don’t really know how it started but I was editing my other ones and Tagan kept mentioning certain pic scenarios. (I think it was around the waterpark chapter.) I was just like: ”She’s giving so many good patterns why don’t you try to make Insta profiles to the chapters.” It was one of my best decisions cause I loved it, even if it was a pain in the ass! I finally managed to catch up and since then I feel so empty…sounds strange but my past few months were spend with Thiam and Airplanes and suddenly, I’m free. I was looking forward to editing other things again and I did but on the other side, I feel lost and don’t even know what to edit or I’m not in the mood. I have an Airplanes hangover or something. :’D  

My favorite to conceptualize were probably the Disney chapters (it used to be the lake chapter but since editing Disney, I like that more) but every chapter was fun in it’s own way. (I’m planning on doing a commenting on the airplanes edits after Airplanes is finished).

I also think you can see how my skills improved while editing when you look at the first chapter edits and the last ones. That’s maybe the thing I’m most grateful about; it gave me the chance to experiment and grow along with the Fic and the characters.

Aww, that’s quite poetic. And, now we have Chapter  39 out, so you must feel the inkliest bit complete!

And, now I can feel the inkiest bit better about the next question to come.

CHALLENGE TIME! If you seen how BTS works, you know we love giving you the Time to Shine! For your first challenge, you can bring any of your insta posts to life in the TW Universe. Which would you choose? Set the scene for how that pic was taken.

I mean I would say the airplane series but it’s not my story so I’m gonna go with one of my single edits.

Then I would say the Parent AU cause I’m a bitch for parent Thiam. I’m gonna go with the pic of the crying baby with the title ‘Great. My son has my husband’s attitude’.

Liam sends Theo to the store with Leo after a discussion so he has some peace and can clean the house without interruptions. Leo won’t stop crying on top of his lungs in the middle of the store and Theo sighs while resting his forehead on the shopping cart (I hope that’s what it’s called).Then, he looks up again and gets his phone out to snap a picture and post it to show everyone that not only Liam is a whining little shit torturing him but now also his son. He laughs at himself for the joke which makes Leo stop crying and laugh with him instead. Theo takes that as an encouragement for his joke and carries him on his arm for the rest of the shopping trip, When they return home, he’s greeted by Liam who’s trying to look pissed but fails and just smirks at him and giving him a slight slap on the arm.

Hahahaha, yes! Dig it. And yes, it’s totally called a shopping cart (at least in my state). One final challenge before we wrap up? Since your images are always so unique to the theme, which pictures/ types of pictures would you use for these one word/phrase prompts:

Celebrity

Stuck at the Airport

Blind Date Gone Wild

Do you just want one pic or a collage of some good pics I would use? BUT I would love to do the whole edit. :’D

Heck yeah, we’d love a whole edit!!

FINALLY, done! Amen.

Wow!! I’m stunned. Over 80 pictures. 6 Days. 3 WHOLE POSTS!?! Plus Comment Posts! Honestly, how do you do it? Everyone, definitely go check these out; their linked with their respective challenges below!

[   Celebrity   |   Stuck at the Airport   |   Blind Date Gone Wild   ]

While we all marvel at that, can we expect any other Thiam instagram themes from you in the future?

Of course. I have an Thiam folder with 357 a folder for the upcoming Mockingjay AU with 37 and my airplanes folder with still 194 pics. Somehow and someday I’m gonna use them all. Planned is to finish the Hunger Games series, cause I still need to do Mockingjay and I also have so many good parenting pics left so there’s definitely going to be another parent Thiam AU and some random ones.

It depends on my mood and requests I get or if I’m suddenly inspired by a pic to edit a specific theme. I also want to make more of Thiam x other fandoms, like Maze Runner, Divergent and so on but I also want to edit for so many other fandoms and ships. Why is there so less time in my mortal life?

Who knows? If only time stopped during the Fandom spurts of our lives, then we could enjoy it as long as we wanted to. Aww, I’m sad to see us come to an end. Marie, what’s next for you?

Finish my apprenticeship in 2020 and have a job after that + moving out. The next thing I’m saving money on right now is my own car till august (I also want my first own TV and playstation and need a new laptop any maybe smartphone :’D). Other fix dates this year are german comic con in december or turning 20 on 27th June.

Of course, I’m gonna drown myself in more fandoms and editing (I mean I’ve already watched 7 new series in 2018).

Oooh, which new shows? (I know I said we were ending lol, but shows are my drug!)

I finally got myself netflix since streaming became officially illegal (it wasn’t actually legal or illegal before but they couldn’t do anything to you and it was safe) here last year and I used it to watch all the marvel netflix productions like Jessica Jones, Iron Fist, Daredevil, The Defenders, Luke Cage (which I haven’t finished cause Netflix won’t let me, every 30 seconds it crashes) and The Punisher. Jessica Jones and Daredevil are my favorites out of them. Then, I also watched How To Get Away With Murder….IT’S MY FUCKING NEW RELIGION! Coliver is giving me more than life. They’re goals.

(In case anyone is interested in what I’m watching and stuff here’s my TV TIME name: MarieRo)

OMG, Ok, Ok, let me end this before I start a rampage about all things Marvel. Thanks so much for hanging with us at the Thiam Lib and letting us get to know you! Is there anything else you’d like to add, including any life/creating wisdom?  Write until your heart’s content.

There are SO MANY intelligent things to say, but I’ll go with: Don’t give a shit about what other people think but always be open for other people’s opinions and teachings BUT don’t believe anything blindly. Just survive somehow tbh.

I have some other blogs on tumblr: @marierosaurus (random shit I like, sexual or funny af, just everything) @music-is-all-i-need-in-life (my music fandoms) @edsheeranfanblog (as you can maybe tell….a blog for Ed Sheeran?) @youtube-fan-live (blog for mostly german youtube)

(Instagram (about my traveling and just random private instagram shit): marierosarius)

I also want to thank you Minna for doing all this (bts is such a cool idea and keeping us inspired with the movie fest and stuff has to be so much work!) and especially for inviting me in the Thiam Discord pack chat 4 or 5 month ago. It’s been a wild ride and I maybe would’ve never known about that chat without you.

I love that chat and how we spend the christmas holidays together and thiam got so much more intense and it’s not even only about thiam anymore we also exchange about many other fandoms and we cried so many smut tears together (I mean that nsfw chat is on fire and I remember voice chat talks between in that christmas holidays we will burn in hell for and I love it :’D) and also fluff and angst tears but mostly smut tbh.

Just thanks for everything the Thiam community gave me, I said earlier that thiam gave me ‘tumblr fame’ and that sound stupid but it did, cause I edited before and nobody gave a single shit and reblogged or liked anything. Thiam was the best thing that could happen to me, even if I mostly edit for myself cause I like it and it’s fun, I can’t deny that it motivates you and makes you happy when other appreciate your work. Even not Teen Wolf or Thiam related posts / reblogs are noticed and it makes me so happy. Ok, sorry for bothering you with all my stupid talking. All I have left to say is: Meow

Awww, thanks so much for the love! Hahaha, our first Discord chat feels like so long ago now lol. And I also wouldn’t be here without my other Thiam Library Mods, esp Tiffany, Esme, Lizzie, Euthoxia, and Vis. They keep me inspired and grounded when life gets crazy. Just as you all, the Thiam Fandom, keep us inspired with your interactions and massive talent. We love you all!

With that, Behind the Screens presents Marie to you! If you want even more, you can read her questions that didn’t make it into the official interview here! Of course, the conversation doesn’t stop here. Not only can you chat with her on her 4 other blogs AND TV TIME, you can find her at these places too:

Main Tumblr: fandomtrashwhore

Inbox/Ask: fandomtrashwhore ask

Wattpad: Marierosarius

Instagram: marierosarius

Snapchat: marierosarius

Twitter: MarieRosarius

She’s also accepting prompts and the like, so hit her up!

We’d like to thank Marie for entertaining our many questions and challenges!! We have tons more BTS coming in the next few weeks, so stay on the look out for those <3

Have a Thiam Creator you fan over? Send us their names. Likewise, if you as the creator, would like to be a part of the Behind the Screens series, give us a shout too! We’d love to get to know you, as well.

[nyxelestia]

If the TW writers intended to explore and develop Stiles' and Derek's relationship, why did they then choose to separate them to the extent that they shared at most a handful of scenes during later seasons? I don't buy your explanation of tptb choosing to forgo a Sterek storyline, romantic or platonic, because the show was losing (Sterek) viewers. The ratings were pretty good going into s4 and it was first when it became apparent that no Sterek interaction was going to happen that people left.

Fandom didn't leave as a single monolith - there are plenty of Sterek fans who are still watching the show even now, and conversely there are many Sterek fans who've never seen the show at all. But, a really large number of the ones I've seen say they stopped watching in Season 3 (some explicitly citing the episodes where Derek hooked up with Jennifer or when Stiles hooked up with Malia).

I don't necessarily think the show ever intended to go down the path of Sterek. Take out the fanon and fandom interpretation, and it's just not there in the show (again: it was called a crackship for a reason; on top of that, for most of the show/up until around Season 6-ish, Stiles is under California's legal age of consent, which may not be that important to us as a fandom but is important to TPTB as writers whose names and screenwriting identities are attached to this show). But that doesn't mean the show couldn't still build up a Stiles and Derek friendship (which they did) or lean on tropes popular among Sterek fans (which they also did).

As for the Sterek that is in the show...

To begin with, there weren't nearly as many scenes between them in the first two seasons as fandom would have you believe, anyway. Additionally, a lot of the scenes which fandom has claimed were about Sterek...really weren't. i.e. Ever seen that gifset about "when Stiles was being protective of Derek" when Chris was threatening him and Jackson in the last episode of Season 1? Derek was never mentioned in that scene, and Stiles was talking about Scott and Kate. That's before getting into all the Sciles and Scerek scenes that have been edited into gifsets to become about Sterek.

There's a reason why fandom practically obsesses over the pool scene - that's one of the only real Sterek scenes there actually is in the first two seasons. There's only really two in Season 2 - this scene, and later when they're paralyzed together during Matt's rampage through the police station.

Meanwhile, of the scenes that are there, most of them aren't positive, either. It's a lot of intimidation and hostility, and no matter how much fandom likes to cover it up with "Belligerent Sexual Tension" (re: fetishized abusive behavior), the reality is that these were scenes between two characters who did not like each other.

There were many times where Stiles even had less faith or interest in Derek than Scott did, like the time he wanted to take Derek's car but leave him/his body at the school when alpha!Peter was threatening them in the first season, or when Stiles kept threatening to leave Derek to die at the side of the road from the wolfsbane bullet, or when Stiles didn't have faith in Derek's Werewolf 101 teaching methods and took over Scott's training, himself...

Stiles does have a basic level of human decency - up to a certain extent (much lesser than Scott's), if he sees someone in trouble, he'll try to help. On top of that, there have been situations where it was also practical to help Derek, to get help from him in return.

But there is a reason why Sterek was originally considered a crackship - that's because out of all of the character dynamics of the show at the time, Sterek had the least foundation in canon.

So they were barely ever together in the first place in the first two seasons. Fandom just made up a bunch of stuff retroactively and pretended it was canon to make the ship fit.

Conversely, 3A starts with Stiles and Derek working together - first on the small matter of Scott's tattoo, then the much larger matter of rescuing Boyd and Erica's replacement Cora from the bank vault. Not only are their direct interactions with each other more supportive and friendly, but their indirect ones are, as well. Things like Stiles helping out Cora, despite no immediate benefit coming from it, or Derek not wanting Chris to kill the nogitsune (and Stiles with it). Things like Stiles sticking with de-aged Derek, and Derek getting along and working with the Sheriff so much and so well.

Saying they were "separated" would imply they were together in the first place.

They weren't.

[souridealist]

Minami Kenjirou, Yuri Plisetsky, Katsuki Yuuri, gen-ish, 4k, G. No archive warnings apply; other warnings at the link. This is my contribution to @rareshipsonice!

Katsuki Yuuri is a war hero; Minami Kenjirou's personal idol; and is spending his military retirement quietly hauling asteroids at a training-stint station in a forgotten corner of the galaxy. Yurio Plisetsky is an abrasive, arrogant mess of a pilot, but he seems to know what's going on. Kenjirou doesn't want to invade anyone's privacy, but he does want to understand.

I’m going to take a page from someone I knew on LJ and muse a bit about writing it behind the cut! 

It was weird writing this, because I signed up and then immediately went off and got fixated on a three-year-old video game? I feel like I should have more control over these things than I do. But I had made a commitment and I was Determined to Finish It. 

So: space! I agonized so much over whether this was the wrong kind of space AU, but my recipient seemed to like it. I borrowed a ton  from the early Vorkosigan books - neural-interfaced cyborg pilots, asteroid mining, the politically complicated war hanging in the backstory but mainly relevant in how it impacted the protagonists. I had fun trying to feed enough information to the reader without infodumping, although that has some pitfalls - I got Avery to read the first two-thirds or so and in the middle of a separate discussion he said “especially since you decided to have Viktor be dead in this AU --” and I lost my shit and went to make some edits. The original version of the first scene was something like: 

“Just because Viktor –”

Yuuri’s head jerks up. “Yurio,” he says. “Don’t talk about Viktor.”

“Oh, excuse me,” Plisetsky sneers. “Your precious Viktor –”

“Yurio,” Yuuri says, rubbing his forehead – rubbing at the silver circle of his interface implant as if it pains him. “I will walk away from this table.”

So, yeah. The value of getting other eyes on your work! 

(The other interesting thing Avery said was that he’d never expected this setting from me. I love knowing when I surprise people? I’m not sure why.) 

Putting together my Minami was interesting, because we really only see him interact with Yuuri in the show, and he spends most of this fic bouncing off Yurio. Minami has very little patience for Yuuri’s self-deprecation, in canon, so I decided he would have exactly no time for some angry asshole’s Yuuri-deprecation. And then he realizes there’s a bit more to Yurio than that, and that most of Yurio’s aggression is a front. 

I’d actually originally intended this as Yurio/Minami, but I decided that was one more ball than I could juggle in this story. (Especially since I kept writing unrelated things. I posted like four things during the fest’s writing period and every single time the ‘fulfill assignment?’ checkbox stared out of the screen at me like a judgmental eye.) Some of the buildup is still in there, though, which is why I marked it as gen-ish up there. 

The title is grabbed from a Leonard Cohen song (”Night Comes On”), as is rapidly becoming my fallback whenever I can’t think of one, and the title is much more about Yuuri than Minami and Yurio - the song is in fact about a soldier learning to re-engage with the world, so I guess the title gives the plot away. I didn’t have any better ideas, though. 

I think that’s it, except that I had a fun moment in trying to decide what to call Minami’s hand-held, extremely powerful ansible-enabled communications-and-Internet-surving device, and then realized that if we’ve gone from wall-mounted telephones which you can’t even dial to tiny computers that fit in your pocket, and kept calling them phones the whole time, we’ll probably keep calling it a phone when we hook it up to an FTL communications net.

[invinciblerodent]

Ryder Twins Headcanons II.

Because my lovely partner in crime @mccreeapologist posted some of our joint little headcanons on the Wonder Twins of the Andromeda Initiative, I thought I should try to clean up my notes a little bit and follow her example <3 I tried to weed out some of the repetitions, but more or less, these are just my vaguely altered notes. :) So this is kind of a part two, and kind of an “Elliot Edition”.

(forewarning, while normally I try to stick to the canon as closely as humanly possible, this time we have elected to make some changes, which I will continue to consider the canon I work in, unless it contradicts something absolutely fundamental in-game plotpoint. :))

((and even then it’s debatable because lbr ¯\_(ツ)_/¯))

- Born in 2157, Elliot and her twin brother Brooks (who is precisely two minutes younger than she is) are 28 years of age at launch.

- While their intellect and talent for the field were largely equal, Brooks (after much pressure from their father) chose to enlist into the Alliance navy at 18, in 2175. Elliot, emboldened by that resolve (and slightly envious of the attention that got Brooks), decided to pursue their shared dream alone, and partake in the xenobotany program at the Dobzhansky Institute of Science and Technology in the Exodus Cluster.

- While Dobzhansky (colloquially referred to by students and alumni as “D.I.S.K.” or “The Disk”) is a human-built and -owned station, it is one of the first Alliance establishments advocating specifically for interspecies cooperation, and it functions almost as an informational trading post. Students of numerous different species are encouraged by scholarship programs, and the instructors come from almost every species in the student body- asari, salarian, turian, and even volus and elcor, making Dobzhansky a frontrunner of humanity’s seamless and peaceful integration into the Council species. In the remarkably few years of its existence, it has managed to establish more interspecies connections in the field of xenoscience than any other human civilian- or military initiative.

- Elliot was mentored by the asari professor, Leossa D’zedri, along with three other students from her year- two of them turian, and one salarian. D’zedri, while more conservative than several of her colleagues, encouraged a healthy competition between her mentees, which only stoked the competitive flame in Elliot, and she graduated magna cum laude in 2183.

- Throughout her education, with the weekly data bursts, she made sure to always send (the heavily annotated versions of) her study materials and as much of her notes as she could over to the Alliance station on which her baby brother served. It didn’t only give him the opportunity to also study along with her to a degree, it was a great source of emotional comfort for the both of them. (Not to mention that teaching him was a way for her to study and revise, and it also made him visibly happy to learn about stuff he couldn’t otherwise, which in turn helped her push on to be able to teach him more stuff, creating a mutually beneficial and entertaining feedback loop. :))

- She applied for the Andromeda Initiative (2185) on a fluke. She had worked on the project as part of her master’s and wrote her doctoral thesis on off-Earth agriculture and trans-galactic travel, but she had never expected to leave the galaxy herself. It was only after her graduation and after her father and brother were recruited into the Pathfinder program that she panicked, and submitted her own application mere days before the deadline.

- Elliot, while not exactly known for it, has worked as Professor D’zedri’s assistant on what was later dubbed as the Horae Project. The project’s goal was the invention of five distinct farm systems that then provide a primary food source for both the levo- and dextro-amino-based crew members. These farms were developed as a joint effort of asari, human, salarian, and quarian scientists working in tandem, basing their work off the designs of the Prothean-built cryopods found on Eden Prime and Ilos, the Atrium of the human-built Grissom Academy, and the Liveships of the Migrant Fleet. In the end, while the exact research didn’t end up being used in the final design, it did serve as a base for it.

- That being said, her plans are often too big for her hands. She is ambitious to a fault, known to bite off more than she can chew, but chewing it anyway, even if it nearly suffocates her. She often jokes that the only reason she went through with getting her doctorate was because she didn’t have the good sense to drop out before, although everyone who has known her for more than a second will confirm that if given a chance, she would have started work on her second doctorate right after submitting her final thesis.

- As all personnel affiliated with the Alliance Systems Military is required to go through basic training, Elliot embarked upon that journey right after having earned her doctorate. That was when it came to her attention that, while an outstanding intellect, she lacks not only biotic-, but also any sort of physical aptitude. Throughout her training, while her theoretical test scores were always excellent and she performed well in the tasks involving problem-solving and reconnaissance, in the physical challenges she hardly managed to scrape by. It was only by the skin of her teeth (and her dear brother’s blessedly patient tutoring) that she managed to reach the middle of the pack by the end of the basic training program. This, she considers a failure.

- The first time she ever shot a gun, an M-97 Viper sniper rifle, it immediately kicked one of her molars out. That experience has made her wary of any and all sniper rifles, and instead, she chose to train in the use of a weapon that doesn’t come anywhere near her face. Which works out well because her aim is shit anyway.

- As their father tended to place emphasis on his legacy which he saw in Brooks throughout their upbringing, Elliot grew up striving and working herself to the bone for attention- attention which her brother received seemingly without having had to work for it. But rather than blaming either of them for favoritism, she ended up internalizing a lot of that crap and ignorant neglect until it drove her to an almost paranoid need for success.

- Which sort of bequests that she is an incredibly sore loser. While her brother’s obvious love for the field was also important, one of the main reasons she became interested in xenobiology was simply that not understanding the world around her pissed her off to no end.

- A hell of a perfectionist with a whole lot of control issues. She doesn't only want to pour the world into neat little petri dishes, she also wants everything to go according to plan down to every minute detail, and she feels that the philosophy of doing it yourself is the best approach to everything… that results in her often struggling to overcome simple issues, only because she doesn’t even consider the possibility of asking for help. (The time she had to ask her brother for help with the weapons training, she could only do so in the middle of the night, with frustrated tears dried on her face, after having spent hours struggling on her own at the shooting range.)

- Has difficulties engaging emotionally. She is so focused on theoretical knowledge that she is known to get absorbed in thought experiments and forget to see the trees from the forest, which, while making her an excellent scientist and a great candidate for the Pathfinders, may make her appear clinical as well as cynical in her dealings. Not devoid of a moral compass, but her mind operates in leaps and bounds that do not exclude the consideration of options that might seem less than tasteful to most of her kind.

- Has had just about every hair color under the Sun. Naturally hers is the same, warm inky black as her brother's, but when she was about 14, she had it bleached to a white-blonde, and then dyed all sorts of colors all the way through high school and college. Only when she was about 22 and it was damaged beyond belief did she resort to cutting all of it off into a pixie, and going back to her natural hair color for about a year. About two months before the Andromeda Initiative would have launched she got bored and had it bleached again. By the time the plot of Andromeda ends, she'll have almost a bob with roots all the way to her ears.

- Her pet pyjack is named “Ampersand”, after the capuchin monkey from the (by then vintage) visual novel, Y: The Last Man, from 2002. In the limited number of personal belongings allowed to bring aboard, Elliot carries a digital copy of the comic book with herself into the new world. (Her first ever crush was on Dr. Allison Mann, after having read the comic at the tender age of 11.)

- Dumped by her high school sweetheart when they found out that she would participate in any way in the Andromeda Initiative. They had quite a thunderous relationship spanning multiple years of on-off romance, but just after Elliot had finished her undergraduate program in 2179, they broke it off for good. It would be a flagrant lie if someone were to imply that Ellie is not bitter and resentful over it, but she is a master of overcompensation.

- Loves old vids, especially old school sci-fi, mostly from the 20th and 21st century. They have a crafty, low-budget sort of charm to them, and it's bittersweet to know she isn't really living in that utopia- she finds that optimism and ambition admirable and somehow inspiring. To think about people have always fantasized about the future and what it might be like, it's almost a feeling of longing for something that never was and never will be. That retro vibe is something that is very close to her heart as well; it used to be a bonding activity between her and her and brother. At times of great emotional duress, they often just plopped down in each other’s rooms with a couple seasons of some tacky show, and kept each other company

- Her affection for the old-fashioned is something that is also reflected in her sense of style. Has a particular fondness for replica faux-leather clothing and colorful accessories. Her girlfriend used to say that Ellie is “just tacky enough to be chic”.

- Has short, bitten nails- not severely, but being a botanist, she spent a lot of time with her hands in the soil. It's a bad habit, but she grew used to cleaning the dirt out from underneath her nails with her teeth. She's desperately trying to stop, but it's a nervous mechanism rooted in that habit of making sure her hands look clean.

- She follows a mostly vegetarian diet: it still includes eggs, milk, and seafood, but she doesn’t eat any red- or white meat. Made the decision at 16, mostly because she simply doesn’t like the taste of meat.

- I would be lying if I said that the reason she gives her brother so many dumb nicknames (like Schnooksie and Scooter and Brookiebear) is because that way her calling him “Scott" in the game is not as awkward. Loopholes! ;)

- and let’s not forget,

- TL;DR she is a lovely problematic space lesbian whom I already really love with a brother too sweet for words who also has a lot of issues but they are both already my favorite

[workexperienceblog-blog]

All photographs were taken with a Canon 5d mark ii with a 55mm prime lens.

Photoshop tutorial 

Removing unwanted items from image. I started by using the lasso to select the branches on the right hand side of this image. And then Edit>Fill then the fill dialog pops up. The drop down bar at the top should be set to Content-Aware and then press ok and Whala it’s like magic. Before doing this tutorial I used the clone tool and the spot healing tool as I wasn’t aware of an easier solution.  

Before

After

I used a Photoshop Tutorial to achieve this. https://helpx.adobe.com/photoshop/how-to/remove-object-content-aware.html 

it was a valuable experience as I had no idea how to get rid of unwanted things from a photograph like this before.

I decided to photograph some of my favourite bridges in and around Bristol I wanted to adopt a documentary style. I decided to cycle along the Bristol cycle track, as it’s a place like most cities full of marvellous bridges that don’t get nearly enough recognition as they deserve.

Valentine Bridge 

Alfred Macalpine built this mesmerising bridge in the 2000.The steel cable bridge was designed to allow pedestrians and cyclists to cross Bristol harbour although there are hundreds of bridges. As beautiful as this structure is it was intended to be a landmark. It’s a slightly unbalanced bridge as it slightly sways when walking over it.I find the location of this bridge is odd because it’s hidden away behind Bristol Train Station and unless you have been told to visit it or have seen it by chance you wouldn’t even know it exists.

I’m very fond of this bridge with all it quirky elements I just wish it was in a prime location and not tucked away. If I were to take this image again i would like to be standing directly underneath the s shape so the viewers eye is in line with the center of the bridge.

http://happypontist.blogspot.co.uk/2014/11/bristol-bridges-3-valentine-bridge.html

Devon Road Bridge Eastville, Bristol

I decided to document this particular bridge because it’s surrounded by tress which are overshadowing the bridge which I thought looked quaint and like I was in the middle of nowhere when in fact I was in the hart of the city.

 I like how you can’t see the full name of the bridge and it feels like the greenery is taking over.

Two Tunnel Greenway

I know this is a tunnel and not a bride but I find it fascinating and documenting this was interesting I must admit that when walking or cycling through this tunnel you can only see the light at the end of the tunnel as the lighting is very dim. 

This bridge is built over Millmead road and Monksdale road in the city.The two tunnels route is part of the charity Sustrans’ project to develop walking and cycling links across the UK. The path is a direct route between Bath and the Midford Vally, more then two miles out of the city.

hhtp://visitbath.co.uk/things-to-do/two-tunnels-greenway-p1523533

Arnos Vale Bridge 

This bridge leads to one of Bristol’s biggest cemeteries and also the Bath road a major road which connects both cities. this style of bridge is popular in Bristol the vibrant colours and the fact it looks like a bridge that sways which it doesn’t only intrigues me. you could easily build a generic bridge which gets you from A to B but that wouldn’t be nearly as interesting as this marvellous structure. 

Bristol Suspension Bridge 

The Clifton Suspension Bridge was designed by Isambard Brunel Brunel. He didn’t live to see his creation finish in 1864. Building  first commenced in 1831 but politics and financial issues hindered the progression. By the time 1843 arrived only the two towers had been constructed. Clifton Suspension Bridge was finished in Brunel’s memory . The Bridge was only originally designed for horse drawn traffic it was never supposed to meet the demands of 21st Century life. Today it has 11-12,000 vehicles crossing it everyday. It’s in fact a toll Bridge which help support the ever growing costs of maintaining. It’s a massive tourist attraction which attracts thousands of visitors each year, they even have guided tours .

In 2014 the bridge celebrated its 150 anniversary.

The Bridge weighs a staggering 1,500 tonnes ad spans 702 feet.

It was very hard to get both sides of the Bridge in shot at the same time in hindsight a wide-angle lens would of been immensely useful. That said I do like how theres a tree taking over the focus of the image. 

Visitbristol.co.uk 

Pero’s Bridge 

This Bridge was designed by Eilis O’Connell along with engineers the bridge was opened to the public in 1999. Composed of three spans, the outer two are fixed and central part can rise to allow tall boats to pass. The bridge is only accessible for cyclists and pedestrians.  What makes this bridge unique is the two horn-shaped sculptures which acts as counterweights for the lifting of sections. Pero’s bridge links the bars and restraints and attractions that surround Millennium square.

I’m not very keen on the angle of this photo I did try to capture the quirkiness of this bridge but this image is kind of mediocre and not very special and dosen’t stand out as image I would remember as a viewer.  

visitbristol.co.uk 

Finzel’ Reach Bridge  

Finzel ’Reach Bridge which is S shaped has taken shape at a cost of £2.7 million.The developer provided the money to construct this bridge.it links Castle park with the new major development on the inside of the floating harbour. located between Bristol Bridge and the Counter slip. Developers hope this area will be rejuvenated area Redcliffe, either side of Victoria Street. with the developers saying they hoped in the next two years 437 new apartments, as well as almost a quarter of a million square feet of office space will appear .

I really wanted to just stand on the hand rail so that i could get an arial view of this devine structure but that wasn’t possible unless i wanted to look like a drowned rat. 

https://www.google.co.uk/amp/www.bristolpost.co.uk/news

Contact Sheets

Architecture students cardboard structure

I was asked by someone from my society who’s a Architecture student if I could photograph her cardboard model. I photographed it in the studio with a combination of natural light and studio lighting.

She wanted me to photograph the many different layers the structure had as I was aware that these images would also be submitted along side the cardboard model so no pressure. She also said to me there was a possibility of my work being featured in the first year MA Architecture degree show.

attempting to fit the structure in the frame was tricky as it’s such a large model and I didn’t want to capture to much of the table.So i decided cutting out the two of the corners was the only was. I was using a 50mm prime lens in hindsight a wide angle lens would of been wise.

To set the scene of night a small torch was placed inside the structure to attempt to light up the inside.It didn’t work as well as she had hoped as her envision involved the whole of the structure being lit up not just one corner but it still lets the viewer get some idea of how it would look with lights.

We did use our iPhones in the end as the torch wasn’t powerful enough to give the tress that all important shadows. you can see the two iPhones which is why I couldn’t sent this image to her but I decided it showed some of the issues encountered with lighting the inside of this kind of structure.

These trees which are made out of Mulberry which makes them look realistic. I don’t know how easy this material is to source as one of her friends in Norway sent it to her in Portsmouth.

Contact sheets

Working with a wedding photographer

I managed to contact a family friend who has a thirty year career being a wedding photographer and documenting political movements. unfortunately he didn’t have any photographic shoots over the three days he could offer me. I only did one day in the end as I became really ill luckily i can go back and do more work experience with him at a later time.

Lightroom 

Lightroom is something I have never understood so I was glad to be shown how to use it to rate your images.

To reject any photographs which aren’t good enough which are images you have given an x to can be delated at the same time by clicking liberry photos delate rejected photos. which you can set this up to delete rejected images which will also delete them from your memory card.

The rating process 1 is leave because it’s okay there isn’t anything wrong with the image but you have better. 2 star means good and 3 stars are your best from that photo shoot. It’s a really good way to get rid of your unwanted photos the first time as I always used to keep all my photos and then forget to delete the photos I didn’t want. Having a system that allows you to delate your images whilst in the processing stage is very helpful.

These photographs aren’t mind I was rating them for the photographer so that I could learn how to use lightroom and and select which rating I though each of his images deserved. then he checked the images I had rated at the end. These images are from the NHS march in London a while ago.

This was a poster I created showing the statistics for the NHS which I got from the Internet which were for the wedding photographer to take to a meeting later on that day. 

I have also been asked to come back and do more work experience over the summer.