#someone in mondo just hates his ass me thinks idk

[doobledabbadoo]

redesigned my anthro!sniffles a little bit, mad ehim more colorful & fluffy. hes still as nerdy as ever tho

[dadsbongos]

School Worker AU fic(?)

Movie/Game/Show: Danganronpa (just in general) Dynamic: idk fuckin everyone is in their senior year though Warnings: all of the danganronpa cast - unless otherwise specified - is in their senior year of hs Summary: Tsumugi makes a documentary. AU: Hope’s Peak is a shitty public school that makes their senior students work around the district in self-made or pre-existing programs in order to earn a crucial credit they need for graduation. A lot of the students want a “raise” in their wages because of the work they do, even though “raise” just means any money at all. ~~~

Maki twirled a long strand of her brown hair around her finger, eyes flickering over it boredly, “Yeah, I want to get paid for this.”

Kaito’s eyes widened, an uneasy smile crossing over his lips and nervously looking between his girlfriend and the camera, “Oh, c’mon, Maki-roll, it’s not about money! It’s about the kids!”

“It’s about the money,” Maki glared at the camera, “Pay me.”

~~

“How do I feel about being paid?” Kaede giggled nervously, looking to her other two bandmates, “Well, it’s not about the money, we like playing for kids and the elderly.”

“Ibuki mostly agrees,” the girl with wildly multi-colored began, “However, Ibuki would also like to be paid for our hard work.”

Sayaka nodded shyly, a small smile on her lips, “I like working for the kids and elderly, but I also would like to have said work rewarded, if I could.”

~~

“Yeah,” Hajime picked up yet another empty plastic water bottle with a gloved hand as he responded to the question, “I would love to get paid but nobody gives a shit about the kids cleaning.”

Chiaki, who wasn’t even holding her trash bag - preferring to have her face stuffed into her handheld, “Not paying us is the school’s way of preparing us for the years of unpaid extraneous labor ahead of us in an adult working environment… I think.”

~~

“I should be gettin’ fuckin’ paid,” Mondo grit his teeth, no longer soaping up his math teacher’s car with Kazuichi and just looking at the camera, “I don’t get stared at by those fuckers,” he jabbed a thumb in the direction of a small gaggle of giggling freshman, “for free. I hate this shit.”

Kazuichi nodded, “I don’t even get to remodel the cars! I just wash them, that’s so lame!”

~~

“Duh - yeah, I wanna get paid!” Junko scoffed, rolling her eyes, “What am I? Twelve? I don’t do this shit for nothing!”

Mukuro sighed quietly, practically elbow deep in the dirt, “You don’t do anything…”

“The hell did you say to me, you fat, ugly, skank?” the blond pressed a stiletto boot into her sister’s back, shoving her face-first into the flower beds Mukuro would now have to redo.

~~

“So,” Tsumugi Shirogane held a mic to her mouth as she stared into the camera, “with so many students demanding a raise in wages, which would mean any wages at all, let’s get to the core issue of why these students feel that their work is so reward-worthy.”

A few feet away, Mikan was watching the hostess of the documentary with nervous eyes, her heart racing as she turned to Rantaro, “Oh my God, is she g-gonna ask us questions? I’m n-not good at speaking. I-I’ll stutter and mum-mumble and she’ll ask me to re-repeat myself, oh God…”

“Hey,” Rantaro gave the girl a small smile, carefully setting his hand on her shoulder, “it’ll be okay. I can do most of the talking, if you want?”

Mikan nodded shakily, fingers intertwining and scrambling apart repeatedly, “Th-that would be p-preferred, tha-thank you…”

As Tsumugi crossed towards the students, she stuck a microphone into Rantaro’s face first, thankfully. Quick to the point, she asked him the question of the segment, “Why, exactly, do you think your work is worth the funding of payment?”

“We do basically the same amount of work that the ordinary school nurse does under regulation and we’re certain our efforts are worthy of payment,” in order to avoid the awkwardness of Tsumugi having to ask Mikan, he gestured to his partner in nursing, “We both are.”

Nodding, Tsumugi moved to place the microphone into Mikan’s face anyway, “And your thoughts?”

“Uhhhh,” Mikan froze up, patting the tips of her fingers into each other, “y-yeah?”

“Yeah, what?”

“Yeah with Rantaro…”

Tsumugi blinked at the girl, standing there for a minute before slowly nodding and turning back to the camera to continue her segment.

Mikan turned to Rantaro with wide eyes, tears already bubbling at her waterline, “Oh my God… I just did that… I just- I - oh my God…”

Rantaro nodded, crossing his arms with a pitying smile, “Yeah, that was pretty bad.”

~~

A loud, resounding thud was the opening sound of the shot, a girl landing flat on her back on a gym mat is the scene. The gymnasium is filled with a multitude of students in fighting stance - a tall girl with red eyes and a short boy with blond hair standing at the front.

Tsumugi narrowly dodges stray hits and flying bodies being tossed over shoulders as she approaches the two senior students. She judges how confrontational they both look and decides to not hastily jam her mic into either of their faces as she asks, “And what is the program you two have picked up for your required credit?”

Peko doesn’t look away from the students as she answers, “Self-defense.”

Fuyuhiko nods, “Any-fuckin’-body can sign up but most of these kids are girls and LGBT+. They’re who mostly comes.”

“Which is a whole different problem on its own,” Peko added, “The fact that they feel the need to learn self-defense rather than trust that nobody will try attacking them for simply walking down the street is rather saddening.”

“Oh, well that’s incredibly noble of you,” Tsumugi breathed out, slightly surprised - she hadn’t expected such mean-looking students to care so much

“Someone has to beat up scumbags,” the taller of the pair shrugged, “My arms were getting tired.”

“Right…” Tsumugi nodded, “uh, you two share this gym with another group, correct?”

“Oh, fuck, yeah,” Fuyuhiko glanced to one of the clocks encaged on the wall, “They should be back in- “

“We’re here for the gym!” a voice boomed out in the space, “Move out!”

“No!” Fuyuhiko shook his head, charging towards the pair and the volleyball team they were coaching that day, he jammed a finger into the girl’s shoulder, “You asshats are always too early! Peko and I got another ten minutes, at least!”

“Well, they need the gym now!” Akane gestured to the team, which was awkwardly standing around and waiting for the approval of Nekomaru and Akane to spread out to the gym, “‘Sides, it’s just five minutes!”

“Eight, now,” the blond crossed his arms, “They continue, you guys wait your turn.”

Seeing no soon-to-come resolution from the pair, Nekomaru moved past Fuyuhiko and Akane as they argued and towards Peko at the front. He rubbed the back of his neck, “We really need the gym right now. You can take our last ten minutes tomorrow if that’d be fair.”

Thinking over the proposal, Peko nodded before picking up the whistle from around her neck and blowing into it before calling to the self-defense class, “Alright, dress out and head home! Remember what you’ve learned and stay safe! Tomorrow, we’ll be meeting out by the baseball field!”

Fuyuhiko sighed, clenching his eyes shut to avoid looking at Akane’s smug grin, “You’re lucky Peko stepped in or I would’ve laid your ass out on the mat.”

“Whatever you say, baby face,” the girl snickered, strolling by to join Nekomaru’s side.

“What did you call me?!”

Tsumugi looked to the new faces, “Do you two fight like that often?”

Akane nodded confidently, “Constantly!”

Sighing, Nekomaru lowered his head, “That’s not a brag.”

“And you two do what around the school?”

“We pick up the school’s teams when the coaches are busy,” Akane pat her outrageously buff partner’s back, “You should see coach Nekomaru out there! He’s like a pro!”

“Well, that’s certainly something!” Tsumugi giggled, “And I can assume you two want to be paid for your efforts?”

“We’re supposed to be paid for this?!”

~~

“Oh my God, leave us alone, you guys are so mean, assholes!”

“Don’t say that, we’re on school grounds! A teacher could walk by at any time!”

“Can you two please be quiet? They’re not even responding to you at this point.”

“We must focus on this column entry!”

“Y-yeah… so s-stop bothering us…”

Tsumugi hesitated, looking at the camera with furrowed brows, “Do we even want to go in?”

The camera shifted with the director’s nodding, the girl sighing loudly before quietly agreeing and pushing the door open to see a classroom with only five people in it. A short boy with untamed purple hair being held back from clawing at the back of a girl with long braids and glasses by another boy with greenish hair… God, what color was that?

Another girl looked up from the desk she was sitting at, “Are you here for the documentary on student payment for their work efforts involving school credit?”

“Yes, I am,” Tsumugi was incredibly tempted to lie, say she got lost, and run out - but she didn’t. Instead, she asked them to introduce themselves.

“Kyoko Kirigiri,” the girl at the desk introduced herself with a solid nod before returning to her work.

The boy holding back his friend finally managed to calm the purple-haired one down before shyly waving, “Shuichi Saihara,” to prevent the other boy from talking, Shuichi clapped a hand over his mouth with an exhausted look, “This is Kokichi Ouma. Us three solve ‘mysteries’ around school, it’s mostly just stolen items. They,” he pointed to the pair on the other side of the room, “write the school newspaper.”

Kokichi managed to release himself from Shuichi’s grasp, immediately rushing towards Tsumugi and grabbing her long skirt between his hands and throttling her, “Help! They’ve kidnapped me! I’m being held against my will!”

“Ah!” Tsumugi screamed, looking up to Shuichi, “What is he talking about?!”

“He’s a liar,” Kyoko piped up, “He’s annoying but he gets the job done quickly so I haven’t kicked him out yet.”

The girl across the room huffed, “C-can you s-shut up over there? And you,” she pointed at Tsumugi, “hurry up and get over here s-so we can get b-back to work…”

“Right,” she nodded slowly before going over to the pair, “You two write the newspaper, that must include some interesting stories.”

“N-not really… I’m T-Toko Fukawa. That's Hi-Hifumi Yamada…” she gave the boy a side-eye, “Don’t say anything w-weird…”

“Never!” he cheered, turning to Tsumugi, “I am Hifumi Yamada- “

“Yeah,” Tsumugi sighed, already rather exhausted with his loudness, “Toko already introduced you.”

“But you may call me by my online dubbing - The Alpha and The Omega!”

“Alright,” Tsumugi dryly replied - he didn’t seem awful, but he definitely wasn’t for her.

“Wait!” Kokichi whined as the girl was leaving, grabbing at the tail of her skirt, “Didn’t you hear me earlier?! These creeps kidnapped me! They’re gonna kill me!”

“Stop talking,” Kyoko mumbled.

Shuichi sighed, running his hands through his hair, “Please, Kokichi, you’re giving me grey hairs and I’m barely eighteen…”

Tsumugi rubbed over her eyes, exhaustion ringing over her, “Me too and I haven’t even known you for ten minutes.”

~~

“No more crazies… no more crazies… no more crazies…” Tsumugi repeatedly murmured to herself as she rubbed her temples. Finally taking notice of the camera pointed at her, she hissed, “You better cut that.”

Once again, there was the motion of a nod from the director before following Tsumugi around to the back of the elementary school neighboring Hope’s Peak to find two more groups. This time, however, the two groups were working together extremely well and weren’t fighting whatsoever. Who knew how refreshing it could be to not hear yelling for five minutes?

It seemed that the third-grade student body had been split in half between a group of two and a group of three. The two were monitoring as kids ran around the large field - the three had kids standing at canvases with just a few bouncing around one with long hair tied in what appeared to be fishtail braids.

“Aw,” Tsumugi smiled at the sweet sight, “Okay, let’s go over there.”

A voice popped up from behind the camera, “I heard about these girls from the headmaster. Those two,” he pointed over to a muscular girl picking up kids on her arms with a shorter girl trailing behind her, “are Sakura Ogami and Aoi Asahina. They go around to closeby elementary schools and set up field days for the kids,” then to the group of three, made up of a white-haired girl in a long yellow overcoat, a redhead with extremely pointy boots, and the fishtail girl throwing obviously fake hits with some kids, “They’re Angie Yonaga, Himiko Yumeno, and Tenko Chabashira. They teach kids about the arts. Except for Tenko who teaches them her made up Neo-Aikido, something about controlling emotions and all that junk.”

“Wow,” Tsumugi breathed out, still approaching the two groups, “that’s so great. They seem like a fun- “

Then, out of nowhere, Tenko suddenly tossed Angie over her shoulder, causing an eruption of cheers to burst from the children.

Tsumugi’s face fell, she turned around and nearly ran out from behind the school and towards the car. Chants of “no, no, no, no” leaving her lips.

~~

“Oh, finally, normal people…”

The two boys in the copy room looked up at Tsumugi’s sigh.

“You must be the documentary girl?” the brunette smiled slightly, unevenly, “Sorry, I don’t know your name,” he lifted up a stack of papers, “Kyoko probably mentioned it but I was grading.”

“Tsumugi Shirogane!” the white-haired boy cheered, setting down the papers in his hands, “You’ve come to get my worthless opinion on whether or not student workers should be paid?! How incredible!”

“Sorry about him,” the shorter of the pair chuckled, “He has an inferiority complex. We’re working on it.”

“Uh-huh,” not as bland as she thought, apparently, “You two are… TAs?”

“Yeah,” the shorter nodded once again, “We work under Miss Yukizome, but lots of students everywhere are TAs, so I don’t think we should really have a say in this…”

“Especially me!” the other one butted in, “I barely help at all… I’m just garbage…”

“Nagito, you’re not garbage, and you do a lot!”

“With all respect, Makoto, the only reason you’re stuck with me is because all the other teachers can’t stand me!”

“Well, the only reason I’m here is because nobody else had a spot open.”

“Do you two just comfort each other about your hang-ups?”

“Yeah,” Makoto nodded, already pulling Nagito into a hug and patting his back, “it’s nice. Like super amateur therapy.”

“Painfully normal in comparison to the others,” Tsumugi turned to the camera, “Almost as plain as me.”

“No,” the voice from behind the camera peeped up again, “You’re still definitely the plainer one.”

~~

“We duel-work animal care and the occult,” Sonia cheered, holding a small puppy in her arms as Gundham fed hamsters in the back of the room, “It’s quite a bit of work but we manage, don’t we?”

Gundham nodded silently.

“Does…” Tsumugi gestured to the boy, “Does he ever speak?”

“You haven’t built enough resistance to the poison that would slip from his lips, unfortunately,” Sonia shakes her head, frowning slightly, “He doesn’t speak to people unless they’re immune.”

“And you are?”

“Surprisingly, yes!” eyes lighting up at the question, Sonia nodded excitedly, “It seems that I have managed to build up an immunity to his poison without even realizing it! Is that not amazing?”

Refraining from rolling her eyes, Tsumugi merely glanced between the beautiful blond and the boy hiding his bright red face in his scarf, “It truly is amazing, yes. How wonderfully random.”

“Wanna go?” the director asked.

“Yeah…”

~~

The camera aimed at a downcast Tsumugi, a frown depressingly obvious over her features. The voice behind the camera popped up, “Wanna try Celestia at the math club again?”

“And get told that only people she hates more than her own clubmates are theatre kids and then get called theatre kids and yelled at to get out again?” the girl grumbled, letting her microphone fall down into her lap as she sat slumped against the wall, “No thanks, Monokuma.”

“I mean, she’s not wrong,” the camera turned to show off the boy going by Monokuma with heterochromatic black-and-red eyes, half-and-half dyed hair between white and black. He snickered, “Yeah, I’m a big theatre kid. It’s unfortunate. You are, too, just let it go.”

“She might be right, but it’s still mean!”

[potatotrash0]

what are your non despair headcannons ?? i always find it interesting how different people think characters would interact w/o the killing game !!

Oh hell yeah I’m so down to talk! I’ll try not to only put SDR2,,,no promises. also in this Izuru and Hajime are separate people and Chiaki is a real person, not an AI created by Chihiro

V1:

• Sayaka gives Leon singing lessons. He’s,,,honestly horrible but he’s trying and that’s what count. On the other hand, they’re also learning instruments together! Sayaka sucks but it’s okay they’ll get better with time.

• Celeste and Byakuya have a weird relationship where they’re civil sometimes but they also not so passive aggressively insult each other. It’s like a silent competition and neither of them are willing to back down.

• Similarly Byakuya and Kyoko don’t hate each other but they make snarky comments to each other constantly. Makoto is constantly caught in the middle of it and he never knows what to do.

• Toko and Hifumi once got into a really heated debate about whether manga counted as literature. Threats were made, hands were very nearly thrown. It was quite a scene and the class lives in fear of something like that happening again.

• Chihiro and Chiaki are good friends! They’ve programmed a game together and vibe together. They don’t always talk when they hang out, sometimes Chihiro programs while Chiaki games but they enjoy each other’s company.

• Mondo, Aoi, Sakura, Akane, and Nekomaru work out together! On a similar line of thinking, Mukuro and Peko train with each other sometimes.

• When Celeste actually laughs, she cackles like a witch. The first time she laughed like that in front of the class, Hiro was horrified, he cowered in the corner and may or may not have cried.

V2:

• Hajime does swimming and basketball! Idk man he gives off swimmer vibes. He’s actually pretty strong but you can’t tell? You can’t see his stomach and his sleeves are just long enough to cover his upper arms.

• This is kinda canon but Nagito’s like. A big book nerd. He goes through thick ass novels with hundreds of pages within a week. Hajime is stupefied.

• Nagito likes to braid Izuru’s hair! Izuru thinks it’s unnecessary but humors him bc it keeps the hair out of his face and Nagito’s actually pretty good at it.

• Chiaki and Nagito are gaming buds. He’s not quite as into games but they like playing Mario Kart and destroying Hajime by teaming up and spamming shells bc he gets really pissy. (“That’s not fucking fair, you can’t gang up on me! Kamukura no don’t join them oh my god you asshole—”)

• Izuru and Hajime aren’t related but they might as well be, they fight over the pettiest things and it’s hysterical.

• “Kamukura I was saving that food for later!“ “You left it out, it was fair game.” “That’s not how that works you dick!”

• Chiaki and Nagito have absolutely eaten popcorn while Izuru and Hajime duked it out in the living room

• Chiaki and Izuru cannot fucking cook to save their lives. They can’t. Nagito can cook like. Instant noodles and stuff? Hajime is the only one with actual cooking skills and I stand by that. He’s the only force in their lives keeping them from starving or eating so much bullshit they die of health complications.

• They do study groups! Hajime is the designated Snack Man and has to force Chiaki to study instead of gaming. Izuru doesn’t really have to but he helps with explaining if Nagito is otherwise occupied.

• Souda mixes several energy drinks together and drinks it if he needs to cram for an exam or gets an idea for a project and wants to work on it over night. One time Hajime drank it bc he was dumb and forgot to study and he almost gave himself a heart attack. Mikan was horrified.

• Hajime, Izuru, Chiaki, Nagito, Souda, Sonia, and Gundham have horror movie nights!! Souda is always paralyzed with fear and Izuru is unphased. Sonia’s always the one most invested, Nagito is constantly five steps ahead of everyone, even the movie. It’s like his secret Ultimate.

• They all cram themselves onto the same couch. Sometimes people sit on the arms of the sofa, sometimes people lay across everyone’s legs, sometimes a couple of them are in someone’s lap. Everyone complains but they don’t bother moving bc it’s just a thing now.

• Listen Souda talks big shit but if you flirt with him, he will not know what to do. He goes completely red and all cognitive function shuts down. He can’t handle it.

That’s it for now bc this is too long and I’m running out of ideas for today but I’ve got plenty more that are more in detail!

[ravenousnightwind]

My Story: Mental Illness (mondo long)

I’m going to share some things with you all that some of you may be aware of already. I’ve talked about it before, but I don’t know. I need some form of release. It’s really personal and probably going to be super long. So click below if you want to read it all. A lot of this doesn’t have much to do with paganism, but..it is part of the reason behind why I became a pagan. The sheer amount of self acceptance and reliance, along with other various things within norse paganism especially, has allowed me to be a better person. Just be aware that what you are about to read may be traumatic for some. This is my story, my thoughts, and opinions about mental health. In no way should it reflect everyone as this is simply my way of dealing with it.

I suffer from mental illness, social and general anxiety, and depression. From a very young age I was asked why I had problems with school, or why I didn’t want to play with other kids. Sometimes people tried to force me to do it. In fourth grade, my teacher hated me because I lied about things and stole some stuff. (I don’t feel good about that time.) It was when a lot of my troubles started, because I was literally carried to school by my parents and the principle. After asking me why I didn’t want to go to school, and me telling them I didn’t know, but feeling sad, they grabbed me, forced me to go. I sat on the bench that day. But for the rest of that whole year, the teacher treated me like shit and even threatened my mom for harassment when she called her at home just to tell her I took stuff. I was sent to therapy around this time to figure out why I felt the way I felt. They couldn’t figure it out, and my parents got frustrated with the faculty and the counselor I was seeing, so I didn’t go back. A lot of the emotions I felt went dormant for a while. The sheer amount of pain and fear I felt during that time...I can’t describe it.

Fast-forward it’s eighth grade one of the teachers I had literally put their hands on me and attempted to force me to play with other kids, in public, at a park. At one point, they even sent the other kids out of the room to deal with me and try to force me to get up from a desk, simply because I had my head down when I was supposed to be working (Even though I didn’t have any work to do.) I got so angry that I threw the desk at her, because she kept hitting me on the arm and poking and prodding me. Asking me WHY and screaming in my ear. I got sent home that day for the desk and she made up some stuff in the referral. The next few years again, it seemed like I didn’t have emotions and they got worse but also disappeared to some degree.

Fast-forward, it’s ninth or tenth grade. I was asked if I would hurt anyone in the school, because for some reason, the teachers were freaked out about me. They said, according to my mom “idk he just had a glaze over his eyes”. I told them that I would try to defend myself against anyone who tried to hurt me. So they left, then the principle came. He took me to his office and I sat there, then other people came, I went to the deans office. There was a security guard or some kind of cop there, he worked at the school. They all told me I had to get in the ambulance or they’d take me to the hospital in handcuffs. That’s when I was sent to the mental ward in the hospital for a while. My parents could of got me out of it, but they thought it was good for me. But none of the kids I met there seemed crazy or unusual. If anything, they seemed like normal people. Or normal in my perspective. Some of them were weird, but all and all it wasn’t an unpleasant experience, though I still wanted to go home.

For years I blamed them for a good part of my suffering. But it wasn’t like I didn’t have blame myself. I said things that prompted them to take action against me. Like seeing things, because I was into magic and the occult at this time in my life. They were thinking that I literally saw dragons flying around. I quickly learned that saying things like that would cause people to think that you were crazy and in need of psychological help. After a lot of that, I was in therapy for years. I was drugged with pills, anti-psychotics, anti-depressants, etc. Because they thought I was a danger to myself and others. Eventually my mom grew concerned because my mood really changed after that and I got really fat. She knew It was making me unhappy and took me off of them. Though the effects of what the drugs did to me still remain. The often unfeeling of anything. In fact, it is through this method of treatment that I felt suicidal. It’s still the very reason why I won’t take pills regarding anti-depressants or anxiety. It literally blocks my ability to feel and takes away joy, happiness, and sadness all at once. I didn’t want to live a life feeling nothing, it felt meaningless.

One day I was so upset, that I went to the counselors office hoping I could have a moment of reprieve. I was literally about to burst in tears for reasons I still don’t know. When I told them I didn’t know why I was upset, they said I had to leave and they couldn’t help me. That sent me over the edge, and I started crying more and the threatened to tell the dean. Well he came down there and at this point I was crying so hard that I couldn’t even see. He yelled and screamed at me telling me it was bullshit, then grabbed ahold of me. This sent me into a protective state of mind. He tried to put me in a headlock when I fought him. All he could do was slide me across the floor by pushing my palms against his because he couldn’t get me down. I was sent home that day too, with threats about going back to the psch-ward.

In my JR year of high school, I dropped out because there was this guy I shared lunch with. I bought lunch for him because I liked him, and well, it didn’t go well when he found out why I was doing it. He called me faggot in front of the entire cafeteria and told me: “get your gay ass up from this table!” I refused, and him and his friends got up. I stood up to a bully, for the first time in my life, even though I was afraid. Then it happened again in gym class, but this time I ignored his homophobic slurs of how I didn’t deserve to live and how no one wanted me around. I got angry, clinched my fist, and walked away. I wasn’t going to fall into that drama or make him see that I what he was saying was affecting me.

When Christmas break came, I had a debate with myself, if I was really going back to school or not. I decided it was my life, no one was going to control it for me or make my choices. My parents demanded that I go back, then I told them why it was never going to happen, and that there was nothing they could do to convince me otherwise. I resisted every attempt they put at me. They didn’t want to see me suffer in the end, so they said that if I didn’t go back, I had to continue my schooling through a home-school program.

So, we went back to the school and discussed it. Then, the counselor said the most...demeaning thing a person like that could say. “You won’t be able to do homeschooling, that’s to hard for you, then you’ll have to come back here and it will be all for nothing.” I had been in special education for the majority of my life you see, and working at a “normal” pace wasn’t possible. I learned at a very slow pace. But I did the work anyway, with difficulty. However, depression and other such things began to set in again. My grandma was a great help to me, actually kind of doing the work for me. She felt bad..because she saw the pain I was in and wanted to make sure that I was able to get my diploma. I did, but if I’m being honest, I was way more concerned with how I was feeling than a piece of paper.

My life after that point took a turn. I spent the majority of my time in my room, alone, wishing I had someone to share my pain with. I had no friends for most of my life. I never went anywhere or did anything. In a town of nothing like Decatur Illinois, there’s not much to do if anything. Most people you encounter do drugs or other stupid shit. It wasn’t worth getting in trouble with the law just to have friends, because that’s what most other kids did at my age. Most of my life and interactions with people were spent online. It wasn’t enough however, to keep the depression at bay.

I wanted to rid myself of this curse, this sadness. I couldn’t work out why I was so upset. I didn’t see reason, I didn’t understand it. From that young age, even as young as kindergarten I remember I just did not feel well. At every turn in my life, people hurt me, or said I just had to be a man, or suck it up, blow it off. Just ignore the pain! I couldn’t just ignore it, it was there, either consciously or unconsciously, and I was about to make one of the biggest mistakes of my life.

I started trying to figure out how to perform magic on myself, so that I would never have to feel sad again. People said just think good thoughts, I tried, I tried everything. People said happiness was a state of mind and all you had to do was think positive. None of it worked! I figured if people had this weird happiness then I had to have it too! So I used magic and the occult to push my feelings back. I literally removed them, without pills and medical treatment. I became nothing. Just like before, I became nothing and I did it to myself this time. I locked it all away in a bottle, or inside of myself in my mental chambers.

It was there that it developed its own personality and its own way of working through my problems. Often appearing in dreams or visions as a blue furred half transformed werewolf. I struggled with this for years and years, and even today, it’s hard not to struggle with it. Because the ill effects that it had upon me made me stop feeling feelings consciously. Instead, I would feel nothing, but I knew I was sad. I didn’t cry anymore but I was still traumatized by everything that happened to me. When sadness did come into my conscious mind, I couldn’t deal with it. I’d sit or lay there crying for hours or wishing I knew the reason for my pain, wishing I could get rid of it. All of this formed a sense of self hatred inside of me that is most likely still there. 

Then one day, when I was reading and contemplating myself. I “heard a voice”, but inside my head, not through physical hearing. It told me “if you feel it, it will go away.” So I did, I tried to feel what I felt, I tried to face it. I tried for years...to release the wolf I had caged inside me. From ages 19 through 29 I struggled with this. Having phases on and off with it, only to discover I was still doing the things from before. Or thinking that I had reached the top and overcame the depression. I didn’t. It was still there and I didn’t know why! 

A few years ago, I finally figured it out. In the beginning, I had this. That was always there. I was predisposed to these problems in the beginning and I was punished for it. People didn’t know how to handle me, I didn’t even know how to handle myself! So they tried, and I tried...to get rid of it. But you can’t get rid of what is already part of you. That sadness, it is part of who I am, even if I don’t want it to be. I didn’t have depression because of some kind of event. I had it because I was born with it! These other events just made it become inflamed and worse than what it was. Part of it is my fault, but part of it is also people just being shitty towards me. I know there was wrongs I had done, people I affected... I’m sorry! I’m sorry and I wish I could change it all now! But I can’t..I have to move forward and make better choices. 

Except the way that things were, it didn’t change. I am much better at recognizing when I’m having a problem, but it all has affected me in a very extreme way now. I have severe social and general anxiety. I have depression, and there are days I can’t even get up or do normal chores. Everything is hard and there’s not very many enjoyable things. I can’t even play video games or read sometimes. That’s just how intense the emotion is. Take pills, that’s a no go because I don’t want to feel nothing. 

So what do I do? How do I cope with it? I go in phases. Some days I listen to music to calm me, some days I play games, some days I read. Ultimately though, I deal with what I’m feeling no matter what. I don’t try to ignore it, I just use these things as tools to help me cope. Because while I’m reading or playing a game, I am also thinking about why I feel the way I feel. There are days however, where I can’t do anything at all. All I can do is sit there. Don’t even get me started on the abandonment issues I have because of all of this. 

So then...what is the point of telling you all this? My point is, you can’t run away from yourself. As much as people love to say “it does get better” I’m sorry, but in my experience, it only gets better for a little while. It isn’t totally bad and horrible, but it doesn’t allow me to live a normal life sort to speak. I don’t go to work, I don’t hang out with people, because every time I am in a large crowd, I get really anxious, so it’s hard for me to walk out on the street or hang with some friends. Because anything in over exposure I have to deal with after I’m alone, by myself. You know after I hangout with people, I have to come home and be anxious for hours or days? I can’t deal with anything else in that time. 

So what’s the point in living then? People have hope it will be better one day, how the fuck can I deal with going through phases of happiness and then sadness all the time? I have thanks I can feel anything at all. When I was on meds, or when I did magic on myself, I wished every day, just feel something, just feel sad, just feel happy. Because I was on the verge of killing myself, coming up with a plan. I wanted to die...and that was a horrible feeling. Especially when my parents found out I was planning to do something. 

I give thanks I can experience this world and enjoy it, I give thanks that I can feel anything at all, because for so long....I couldn’t feel anything.. Feeling sad, depressed, or happy, is so good. I have a reason to live because I can feel, I can want things and desire things when I feel things. I can yearn for things! You don’t have any of that when you’re apathetic. So how do I deal with this emotion when it consumes me? I take it one day at a time, and each time I feel sad, I ask myself why I feel sad. Especially after my dad dying, I took a turn for the worse. I had to go through shit and relearn it to get back to where I was. After three years and now being 32, I finally feel like I have some form of control over myself again.

So, my advice to you and everyone dealing with mental illness is simply this:

Feel, and deal with your shit. Try to work out why you feel the way you do. If you can’t handle it, find someone you trust and talk to them about it if you can. Talk to me if you can’t find anyone. Do something productive or try to, when you feel down or upset. Ultimately though, try to deal with it in your own way. Just make sure you don’t totally ignore those feelings. In my experience, by doing that, I suffered a lot more by ignoring it than I did by feeling it. I also learned to understand why I felt the way I did and how everything contributes to those feelings. 

I got lucky, because I found really nice and understanding people to talk to..and when you don’t have a support system, you can really want to hurt yourself or feel like life is meaningless even when you do feel shit. Try to find your own meaning in life, enjoy what you have first before wanting more. Try to appreciate this world and ask yourself if what you want is truly realistic or not. B

What ever happens, know you are not alone. We may all have different situations and ways of dealing with things, but know that there are others just like you who feel anxious or sad. This pain you feel is not just you, even if you feel like it’s going on forever. Know, someone else is suffering with you, me, and many others. Be Proud of Who You Are. No matter if you’re LGBT+ or not! Be who you are, not who others want you to be! Forge your own path in life! Love Yourself!