#someone else might have gotten it wrong amirite?

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Annelise Shepard:

[noethicalconsumptionunderdisney]

Ranked: Hannah Montana — Jake Ryan Episodes

Here we are at last: Jake Ryan.  I think you all probably could’ve seen this coming, but I had to keep you waiting (and gather my thoughts a bit).  Of Miley’s canon love interests, Jake (Leslie) Ryan is the one that gets the most screentime overall, and happens to be my personal favorite match for her, so it only makes sense to dedicate a Ranked post to him.  As per usual, I’ll be revealing these rankings from Worst->Best, in reverse-order of how much I liked them.

Which brings us to probably the most unambiguous “Worst” ever:

“The End of the Jake As We Know It” (Season Four)

Yeah.  Of all the episodes on this list, this is the only one I actively dislike.  I don’t think this one was too much of a shock to anyone, but let me talk about why anyway:

This is the first and only time Jake shows up in Season 4.  He’s barely shown in Season 3, which we’ll talk about a little more further down, but he really just seems to appear solely to be dragged through the mud, and then unceremoniously shooed out so Miley can ride off into the sunset with Jesse. I don’t even necessarily have a problem with them breaking up.  I wouldn’t be happy about it, but you could at least give a better reason— you’ve done it before!  Twice!  And there’s a perfectly good reason right there in front of them: they’ve been apart for a while, they liked each other as kids, but now that they’re getting older and growing into separate lives, they’re growing apart.  But no, let’s just have him randomly cheat on her, because that’s totally a satisfying conclusion to a multi-season arc.  Calling one of your most beloved recurring characters a dick for 30 minutes is peak comedy, amirite?

This is also the only time in Season 4 that Oliver is actually an important part of an episode? He shows up for like 5 minutes in the Finale, but really, the Season 4 episode where he has the most screentime is this one.  And while there’s nothing wrong with how Oliver is written here, it just makes a little extra mad, because most of his screentime is focused on this dumbass plot development.  I can’t help but think, They brought back my man for this?! on both counts.

But let’s move on to less loathsome episodes, shall we?

“He Could Be The One” (Season Three)

Okay, I might catch some shit for this.  I know. This episode’s very popular.  I am aware of that.  And I don’t actually hate this episode, like with the other one.  I like the song, I like Miley asserting herself to her dad when it comes to her dating life, Lilly and Oliver are on-point (although that does kind of apply to the last episode too), and I even liked most of the interactions between Miley and Jake.  That said, here’s why I’m ranking it so low:

THE ONLY REASON IT EXISTS IS TO SET MILEY UP WITH SOMEONE ELSE.

Everything from the start of the episode to the weird reframing of Miley and Jake’s complicated past to the focus on Miley bonding with someone else, thinking about that someone else when she’s singing to Jake, talking about how she wants to kiss that someone else so badly except for the inconvenient fact that she’s with Jake, to the episode treating them like equivalent options that are just so hard to decide between despite she and Jesse barely knowing each other and having no history outside this episode… every bit of it is designed to make you like the other guy better and root for the other guy.  

And I guess if you haven’t watched the other episodes, or you have but it’s been awhile and you don’t remember them super-well, it’s easier to root for Jesse (ignoring all the problems that he himself has as a character, in this episode, even, but let’s not focus on that right now).  But this show can’t trick me that easily, sorry not sorry.

I “should” like this episode more, given that this is when they get back together, but they could’ve gotten them together differently.  Instead, we have Lilly berating Miley for going back to her ex after she rejects Jesse, we have Miley… tackling Jake?  Did anyone else find that odd?  Funny, yes, but weird as hell, and not really indicative of their dynamic.  And worst of all, we have them completely rewriting history and hoping we don’t notice.  It’s not respectful to list “we have so much history” as a reason to stay with Jake if you can’t be bothered to portray that history accurately.  So before we delve into that history a bit, let me make one thing abundantly clear:

Jake did not break Miley’s heart.  He’s also not the only one who’s ever fucked up or acted immaturely in their relationship. You wouldn’t know it from watching this, but she’s the one who broke up with him the only time they actually did date.  Yeah, it was kind of crappy of him to make her think he was marrying her friend so he could “Gotcha!” her on TV, and it wasn’t great of him to kiss her and then leave in Season 1, but that’s a far cry away from “breaking her heart.”  He literally never did.  The fact that they framed it that way is not only frustrating, but also some gross foreshadowing for what they ultimately did to his character later on.

That said, the way Jake actually is when he’s onscreen (i.e. when you look at how he actually acts and not just how other people are talking about him) is pretty in-character, funny even.  Miley and Jake still have their chemistry and their interactions are amazing apart from that weird tackling thing, and Jake reacting to the cat sweater was something I didn’t know I needed.  So objections aside, I do like this episode.  Just not as much as what’s to come.

“Jake… Another Little Piece of My Heart” (Season Three)

So while my previous entry was largely dedicated to explaining why it was ranked lower, this entry is going to be a defense of sorts, explaining why this episode, yeah might not be the best, but is a lot better than people remember, or at least is one I’m still very fond of.  

In Jake’s last appearance before this, Miley agreed to be “just friends” with him.  Here, we see them following up on that.  She calls him “one of [her] best friends,” and not only that, she shows that she knows him well enough to know why he, of all people, should not be getting married young.  “You change your phone plans every 6 weeks.”  How does she know this?  Because they kept in contact with each other.  They contact each other frequently enough for her to know that he changes his phone plan all the time.  They kept their promise!  They’re exes, yes, and there’s still tension there as we see in the end, but they genuinely do feel like friends, and not just like they’re awkwardly forcing it.

Miley is understandably pissed when he pranks her, but that’s only because she cares so much, and I do think there’s genuine concern there as a friend, even if she very likely was also jealous.  They’re comfortable around each other, they’ve gotten to know each other a lot better, and the hint that there’s still more lingering between them at the end is both promising and open-ended.  They don’t get back together right then… but they show that they could, because those feelings are still there, despite everything.

I wonder, though, if this episode would’ve worked better had it aired earlier.  We get indications that it was filmed earlier than some of the others, namely that scenes from it show up in the Opening Credits for that season, but for whatever reason, it didn’t air until much later.  I’m not sure why, but I do think things could’ve been better had they reintroduced her relationship with Jake (friendship with some lingering feelings) earlier on, had a few more “regular” episodes without him, and then given the two a proper arc later in the season rather than just one episode where they’re like, “We’re back together now!  But I also kind of like this other guy!  Oh no!” and then he’s not there the rest of the season.  But c’est la vie.  

Now onto the good stuff:

“Good Golly, Miss Dolly” (Season One)

Honestly, the way the entire Season 1 arc unfolds with them is so natural and beautifully done, I almost don’t feel like it’s fair to dissect them individually and split them up based on personal favorites, because they work best in order and as a unit. But I still have my opinions.

I’ve expressed previously why I love Dolly Parton’s appearance here and why she kills it, but in terms of Miley’s development with Jake, this one remains the most stagnant and frustrating. Painfully realistic, of course, and very in-character for everyone, but of all the Season 1 Jake episodes, this is the one that has the least Jake in it?  Which is not really why I’m ranking it lower, but it does put their dynamic into generic “girl clearly likes guy but is too proud and scared to admit her feelings” territory.  Which is necessary for their story to develop, but isn’t as fun as the episodes where we actually see why she hasn’t been “falling all over him” up to this point (meaning, her aversion to his personality).  And we pretty much end the episode right where we started: once again, Miley’s pining over him, wants to express her feelings for him, but feels like she can’t… only now she’s got a more solid reason not to.

“More Than A Zombie To Me” (Season One)

I was torn at first between this one and the Dolly one, but I ranked this one higher for a few reasons. For one, the storyline is a bit more complex and nuanced.  Lilly teases Miley for being in denial of her feelings for Jake, Miley rejects him when he asks her out… but then Hannah Montana has to kiss him.  She makes a case for why she shouldn’t have to kiss him… only to realize she wanted to when they actually listen to her.  Jake respects her “no” and asks someone else… only for her to realize she wanted him after all.  Miley fights with Lilly for Jake’s affections… only for her to realize that her friendship with Lilly is more important than whether or not she “gets the guy.”  

Beat for beat, Miley is always one step behind, not because she’s stupid, but because she has too much pride to see what’s right in front of her, to acknowledge her own feelings.  It’s not the most pleasant characterization for Miley, but it is very telling characterization, and it paints an interesting picture of her and her relationships to both Jake and Lilly— that she genuinely wants to mean what she says and say what she means, but her pride makes it harder for her to figure out what she actually wants.  She genuinely wants to be a decent, down-to-earth person, but sometimes she’s too self-centered to realize how she’s coming off and how she might be hurting others.

What’s most interesting here, though, is Lilly’s characterization and development in the Jake arc.  In this episode and the one before it, she’s among the girls who are “falling all over” Jake, even continuing to say “Sup” to him because he said it to her once like it’s their “special thing.”  She alternates between starstruck awe over Jake and amusement over Miley’s aversion to him, teasing Miley that she may be protesting too much, and shamelessly drooling all over him to Miley’s annoyance.  After this episode, we see her being the supportive friend and #1 Shipper On Deck for Jake and Miley… then firmly against Jake and Miley together after they break up the first time, and from that point on, genuinely over Jake and wanting what’s best for her best friend.  

But this episode… this is where we see the switch.  This is where we see Lilly giving Miley a fair shot, then taking Jake for herself when the opportunity presents itself.  This is where we see her doing something for herself for once and going beyond that “best friend” role… only to realize it’s not meant to be. That Jake only ever had eyes for Miley. That she was the canned fruit cup he settled for after all.  It’s painful and heartbreaking, and perhaps a less strong friendship wouldn’t be able to withstand it, but theirs does.  Because Lilly does.  Because Lilly knows that whatever Miley says, being with Jake would make her happy, and Jake wants Miley more than anyone else.  And she’s willing to do whatever it takes to help them be happy together… even if it means she doesn’t get the guy herself.  I think Lilly’s role in all this is so underrated, and she deserves massive credit for the maturity and development she displays here.

And of course, we have more characterization for Jake, where he’s… very much himself, but also better than Miley initially gives him credit for.  Yeah, he’s still hiding behind his ego and bravado, and he does initially say Miley must’ve been nervous to reject him when he asks her out a second time on the beach, but we also see him accepting that she doesn’t like him back (or so he thinks).  We see that he’s sweet to Hannah as a coworker, and then he confides in her that he likes Miley because she’s “cute, funny, smart, down-to-earth,” and because she sees him as a person, not as a superstar. I do think “moving on” from Miley by asking out her best friend, right in front of her, is kind of a dick move (or possibly a jealousy play), and he could’ve made a little more of an effort to be loyal to Lilly as she was his date, rather than being so obvious that he preferred Miley, but overall, I think this is a good episode for developing Jake as someone with hidden depths, and someone Miley could realistically fall for.  

(Also, the subplot is comedy gold from start to finish.)

“People Who Use People” (Season One)

Their first kiss! Yeah, there’s no getting around it: this one’s amazing.  Their banter is just on point from beginning to end.  We have a continuation of Jake and Hannah’s pleasant costar relationship, a continuation of Miley’s ever-more-obvious feelings for Jake, and we have a culmination of the tension between the two in an incredible scene. Once again, this does one of my favorite things: it turns the narrative on its head.  We know Miley used Willis to make Jake jealous, but now it’s revealed that Jake was doing the same thing with Holly all along.

“Holly?  She’s not my girlfriend.  We have a movie coming out, so we’ve been hanging out, it’s a publicity thing.”

“Why didn’t you tell me that before?!”

“Uhhh… well…  I-I think I—”

“Wait a minute, I know why.  Because you were trying to make me jealous.”

“Was not.”

“Was too.  Admit it, Jake, you like me.”

“No, you like me, just say it.”

“No, you say it!”

“No, you!”

“No, you!”

*cue Big Damn Kiss*

They spar with each other like this all episode, meeting each other on the same level beat for beat. And Lilly eating popcorn in the background and falling off her chair?  Let’s not lie to ourselves, we were all Lilly in this moment.  Ultimately, this isn’t the story of “how they got together,” because Jake leaves for a movie, but even that makes some sense.  He feels good that he got to kiss her before he left and doesn’t have to wonder what it would’ve been like, she feels angry that he kissed her when he knew he’d be leaving soon, and ultimately his acting career comes before him having a normal life, as it always sort of has, which unfortunately means it also has to come before Miley.  But once again, we have an open ending, a clear “not now” rather than a “never,” and a question to be potentially answered in the future: Will They, Might They, and Would It Work Out?  And of course, what’s next?

But before we get into that, let’s talk about where it all began:

#3: “New Kid in School” (Season One)

Who doesn’t love a good First Meeting, especially one that starts off with two prospective lovers starting off on the wrong foot?  What I love about them starting off on the wrong foot here, though, is that it’s not really due to misunderstandings.  On the contrary, Miley is the only person who knows exactly what’s going on— even better than Jake does, I’d argue, because he doesn’t even realize how arrogant he comes across, and Miley’s the only one willing to call him out on it.

This isn’t even particularly a shippy episode, apart from “Also, he thinks I’m cute, not that I care,” but I’d argue it’s better because it establishes them as characters first, and as Foils.  Both of them are celebrities attending normal school and who, in theory, want to be treated like normal kids, but while Jake talks the talk and still gets everything he wants, Miley walks the walk and has to lose her celebrity privileges in exchange for peace and privacy.  It’s understandable that Miley feels she’s gotten the short end of the stick, and it’s only later, after she’s opened her big mouth of course, when Jake confides in her that sometimes he really does wish he could be normal, it’s only then that she realizes she’s the lucky one.  

But of course it’s not too late for her, it’s too early in the show for that!  So we see her family coming together in this hilarious scene where they pretend they’re all crazy celebrity-impersonators.  As a side note, I like to think they didn’t buy the Elvis costume for this, but that Jackson just had it lying around already and was itching for an excuse to use it.  (Maybe he was Elvis for a previous Halloween, idk.)

In any case, the reason I rank this higher is that even though it doesn’t show that Miley and Jake like each other all that much, it shows why they could like each other, which in my opinion is more important.  I mean, ideally, you’d have both, but this does a good job of introducing Jake as someone who seems like just another egotistical celebrity Miley can’t stand, but underneath that, is someone who just might understand what she goes through better than anyone, and Miley is the perfect person to understand him right back.  

#2: “That’s What Friends Are For?” (Season Two)

The return of not one, but two iconic guest stars in the best and worst way: together.  Months after their breakup, Miley finds Jake at her doorstep after sparring with Mikayla, and is sure he’s only there to get her back… but he just wants to be friends.  Great!  Good, no drama!  That’s exactly what she wanted… right?

Even better, he invites her on the set of a talk show so he can reveal his new movie… and his new costar, her archrival Mikayla.  The worst part is, he chose Mikayla out of courtesy.  He doesn’t know Hannah and Mikayla hate each other, because they act friendly when they’re on-camera.  He did it because he values his relationship with Miley, and doesn’t want to ruin their friendship by inviting her to play his love interest.  And Miley… well, we all know Miley isn’t as okay with this as she pretends to be, and it only becomes more apparent as the episode goes on.

What I love about this is the role reversal this puts them in.  For once, Jake is the one being mature, and Miley is the one that needs to apologize and grow, and admits it.  It’s framed that way and everything.  It’s almost bittersweet to watch, because this was such a good step for them, and probably the most mature episode involving the two. To see them go backwards in development after this, to see Jake be raked through the coals by the writers, all that good will between them forgotten and retconned and burned to hell later on, there’s just something very bitterly tragic about it.  This episode was so important for them, not just as a relationship, but as people, and I wish that good will they had towards each other had remained and gotten a proper follow-up.

Of course, this was itself an excellent follow-up to…

#1: “Achy Jakey Heart” (Season Two)

Was it ever even a question? Jake Ryan returns in glorious fashion: falling from the sky, in a tux, down on one knee begging Miley’s forgiveness, with chocolates from the sky.  Say what you will, that man knows his way around a Big Romantic Gesture.  And he doesn’t stop there: muffins, “Jake steak,” a cardboard cutout, and barging in the front door in a literal knight costume, he asks what more he can do.   More importantly, he says, “You’ve dumped stuff on me, and you’ve yelled at me.  The one thing you haven’t done is tell me you don’t care about me.  Tell me that, and I’ll go away.”  Even after all this, he’s willing to respect her if the answer is “no.”  He just wants to make sure it’s “no” because she doesn’t want him, and not because she doesn’t believe he cares for her.  He does care for her, and he’s willing to do whatever it takes to prove it.  

He gets tested for this pretty much right away, fails in private, and then passes in public when Miley least expects him to.  After telling Miley he can’t take her to a movie premiere because he’s pretending to date his costar, he rejects his costar on live TV to confess his love for Miley.  He doesn’t do it expecting her to come back, rather, he admits his fault and accepts that for him, there’s no happy ending.  And Miley responds in the best way possible, showing up with a “Who says real life doesn’t have happy endings?” and a Big Damn Kiss of her own.

This is also when they confide in each other.  Jake tells her his real name is Leslie, and Miley tells him she’s Hannah Montana.  They’re vulnerable with each other for the first time in their relationship, and they understand each other better than ever. Unfortunately, it’s understanding, or lack thereof, that also leads to their demise.  

Jake wants to be a normal guy, or at least he thinks he does.  Miley feels to a certain extent that she is a normal girl, just a normal girl who happened to get famous.  And that disconnect, that difference hurts them.  Miley realizes that Jake doesn’t actually know what it’s like to be normal, and having to be with someone who can’t handle one night of it, as well as the pressure of being famous as Miley too, is what finally cracks them open.  I will say she could’ve handled it a lot better, and good on Jake for calling her out on her lack of communication, but in the end, their relationship is left with a mutual understanding: that Jake respects her secret, listened to what she had to say, and wants to improve.  Not so that he can get her back, but so that he can be “worthy of someone as terrific as” her.  

This also has ONE OF THE BEST SUBPLOTS OF ALL TIME.  Cheese jerky?  Capitalist commentary?  Jackson rolling in money and Rico being mad about it? Oliver and Jackson doing a rap together? Are you not entertained?  Like its main plot, this does end up reverting to the status quo by the end, but it’s done in a way that’s both crushingly realistic and brutally hilarious.  Overall, this episode?  One for the ages.

So there it is— every Jake Ryan episode, ranked.  I have a whole ton more I could say about Jake Ryan, Miley Stewart, and their overall dynamic (and probably will, this week lol nope), but I feel like this is a decent start that outlines my opinions in quite a bit of detail.  While not a perfect couple by any means, they sure as hell made the screen a lot more interesting.  And hey, the course of true love never did run smooth, why should they be any different?

[pluckyredhead]

Daredevil 101: What Happened to Milla, Part 1

For the past while in Daredevil 101, Matt has been somewhat rockily married to a woman named Milla Donovan. Sharp-eyed readers may have noticed that Matt is no longer married in comics continuity. What happened?

*sigh* “To the Devil, His Due” and “Without Fear” happened, aka Daredevil v2 95-105 by Ed Brubaker and Michael Lark. Aka an absolutely interminable parade of pointless cruelty riddled with dangling plot threads and misogyny. Yes, the team that gave us the masterful “Devil in Cell Block D” has now gone off the rails so hard that Amtrak is still working on the repairs. (Sadly, their run never improves, so strap in, I guess.)

Now, Milla is not exactly my favorite character, but very few things in DD history make me madder than the way she was written off. It’s so clear that Brubaker wanted to fridge her but realized he couldn’t get away with a fifth dead Daredevil love interest, so he figured out a different “fate worse than death” (hoo boy we’ll have to unpack that in Part 2). No price is too high for a woman to pay if it means Matt Murdock suffers, amirite?

And with that tempting introduction (?), let’s get into it!

Content Warnings: Ableism, sexual assault and implied threats of sexual violence.

We begin with Melvin, who is in jail thanks to having attacked Matt back when he was blackmailed into doing so. Specifically, we begin with Melvin in a room with a bunch of dead bodies he swears up and down he isn’t responsible for.

Matt and Foggy and most especially Becky Blake believe him and take his case, but just a few days later it happens again - Melvin is found surrounded by dead bodies and claiming to have no memory of what happened but that he didn’t do it. The psych eval doesn’t go well, in that, well, he passes:

According to the doctor, this isn’t Melvin being taken over by his Gladiator personality or an actual second person stepping in - this is just Melvin himself killing people. Which for Melvin’s legal team (and friends) is the worst possible option, of course.

Meanwhile, Milla appears to have taken up therapy:

Aside from what this story does to Milla and Melvin, part of what makes it so bad is the structure. This was partially due to a couple of company-wide crossovers that we’ll see marching through the book in a little bit, but also just lots of things being set up and then dropped without going anywhere. Here we see Milla in therapy, which is never returned to or discussed. The sinister way this is framed makes it clear that the person she’s speaking to is the villain of the piece, but the fact that he met Milla at therapy is never revealed or mentioned at all. Later in the scene he says something about how he hasn’t told his wife that he’s in therapy but he should stop underestimating her, which is clearly meant to get under Milla’s skin in regards to her relationship with Matt, but that kind of subtle manipulation is too interesting for this story and leads absolutely nowhere. And of course we don’t get to actually see Milla talking to her therapist, which would require her to have an interior life.

Which means we have an entire scene that could have been replaced with a single panel of Milla bumping into someone on the street that would have had exactly the same effect on the plot. And the pacing problems only get worse from here, folks!

Anyway. The state decides to move Melvin, but he escapes his prison transport - and attacks Matt, who’s been keeping an ear on things:

Melvin kicks the crap out of Matt and escapes, but Matt realizes that there’s something wrong with Melvin - it may not be the Gladiator taking over, but this isn’t his friend, either.

The next day, Nelson and Murdock receive a surprise guest: Lily Lucca, who you may remember as she of the Karen-smelling perfume who aided and abetted in multiple murders and lured Matt into a confrontation with Vanessa Fisk:

As you’ll recall, the perfume Vanessa gave Lily to entrap Matt with makes her smell like every man’s fondest memory [INSERT GIANT EYEROLL HERE], which is why Foggy’s falling all over himself here. But now she has a problem: even though she’s not using the perfume anymore, she still smells like it, which means men are constantly creepily following her around, getting into fights over her, etc.

This is...sigh. There’s an aspect of “female character is punished for using her sexuality” here that makes me super uncomfortable. Certainly 90% of comic book villains have some kind of monkey’s paw in their backstory (“I tried to make a cool suit of armor and now I have robot tentacles!” “I tried to cryogenically freeze my dying wife and now I am really cold all the time!” etc.), but there’s a way in which it’s weaponized against certain types of female characters that’s deeply gendered and often kinda rape-y. (I got this vibe with Debbie and Micah Synn as well.) Lily wanted to control men through their desire to her? Well, now they might desire her so much they’ll assault her! That’ll show her! I guess. Ugh, it just grosses me out.

Anyway, Matt reluctantly agrees to help her, or more specifically have Dakota help her, since she won’t be affected by Lily’s scent the way he and Foggy will. Even with this caveat, when he meets Milla for dinner she does not like this:

I think we’re meant to be reading Milla as not being entirely rational about Lily because she’s so jealous of Karen’s memory and Lily reminds Matt of Karen, but she’s not wrong. I have no idea if we’re meant to read Matt as being sort of a douche in this scene but if my husband was like “Keep your voice down” and “Don’t be so hyperbolic” I would walk out of that fucking restaurant.

Or run, as the case may be:

Matt distracts Melvin so that Milla can get away (lotta Ms in this storyline), then somehow quick-changes to Daredevil for a fight. Melvin knocks him out and Matt wakes up handcuffed in the back of a police car:

The cops are arguing because it’s the middle of Civil War, which didn’t touch the Daredevil book very much but Matt was firmly on the anti-registration Team Cap side, unsurprisingly. As an unregistered superhero, just being out in a mask made him a criminal. (They don’t do anything with the fact that his secret identity was basically an open book at this point, which would have been interesting.)

Anyway, The Mysterious Voice Speaking On A Frequency Only Matt Can Hear gleefully tells him that he left his wallet at the restaurant, which has his home address, which means Melvin knows where to find Milla. Of course, Melvin was one of Matt’s bodyguards when his identity was first exposed and definitely already knew where he lived, but whatever.

Milla is, of course, wandering around the apartment in nothing but a bra and panties when Melvin shows up, because Daredevil artists apparently love putting her in her underwear to terrorize her and this is the last chance they’ll have to do it.

Melvin takes Milla up to the roof to wait for Matt. I’m including this exchange, where Milla tries to talk him down by appealing to his better nature, because it’s basically her last moment as herself. Reminding others of their better angels has always been one of her strengths, and she deserves to have that highlighted before...everything else.

Matt shows up. Melvin throws Milla off the roof:

Matt miraculously saves her and returns to fight Melvin, but Melvin has pretty much given up at this point and it’s all over but the crying. He’s bundled off to maximum security, and that’s...well, that’s the end of Melvin. This storyline came out in 2007, and this sweet, interesting character who has been around since the Silver Age has been unusable ever since. So thanks for that, Brubaker.

Matt’s furious, and determined to figure out who did this to Melvin:

“What did your sensei say about fighting angry?” always makes me laugh. Also, why would you ever suggest Matt follow Stick’s advice, Foggy, honestly.

(Foggy is A+++++ in this storyline and it makes me mad that I can’t even enjoy it because he’s just frantically trying to salvage a steaming pile of shit the whole time. Also given the overall ableism in this story I’m a little :/ that he basically takes over being the functional adult like Matt’s incapable of it.)

Matt runs into another dropped plot thread here because he gets on the trail of a street drug that makes people angry, which, like, how would Melvin have even gotten that in prison anyway, especially nonconsensually? Also, every other depiction of this drug shows it putting the user into a senseless rage, but Melvin sure was able to find his old lair, put on his Daredevil costume, track down Matt, and kidnap his wife when the plot required him to. How very Guardian Devil.

Anyway, Matt starts tracking the drug to its source. Meanwhile, Milla shows up at N&M:

Yeah, from here on out Milla is all tears and hysteria. Sigh.

Foggy decides to take her home, and Lily tags along, even though Foggy thinks that’s a REALLY REALLY bad idea because a) she's upsetting Milla, b) she fucks with Foggy’s head, and c) every dude in the subway is going to be all over her. But Lily insists, because she’s...manipulative? Genuinely feeling guilty and choosing the absolute worst way to fix that? Flimsy plot reasons? Let’s go with flimsy plot reasons.

While waiting for the train, Milla pretty much loses her shit at Lily, and also the world in general:

“I don’t know what I’ve done to you” is pretty rich, Lily. YOU LURED HER HUSBAND ON A MURDER CHASE ACROSS EUROPE.

Meanwhile, Dakota is still trying to figure out where Vanessa got Lily’s original perfume from - and Matt has followed the drug trail back to the Enforcers, a bunch of goofy-ass Silver Age villains we haven’t seen in decades. (They are specifically named the Ox, Fancy Dan, and Montana. They are ridiculous.) They clobber him and take him to their leader:

LARRY CRANSTON. MISTER FEAR. He made the perfume. He drove Melvin insane. And he’s the reason behind what happens next:

Lily lives. The random bystander does not. And when Matt, having been literally thrown out of the window and into the garbage by Mister Fear, returns home, Foggy is waiting for him:

Next Time: Milla is taken into custody, and Matt searches for a cure.

[deliverydefresas]

masters of the scene

I know it’s been like, a century, but better late than never amirite? Happy birthday to this fic and thank you to everyone who’s still reading it. I love you all. 

I re-read it twice but honestly this probs has as many mistakes as if I hadn’t lmao. In case you don’t remember / have missed a part:  1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 + 6.5 | 7 | 8 | (this one will be considered 9.3 since there’s two more parts to be posted)

♥

AU: Matteo Balsano is a famous singer who has been crushing on this one girl he saw every day behind a window many years ago, back when he first started recording his debut album and inspired his first big hit, Princesa. Luna Valente, professional Olympic skater turned actress is at a local (and very popular) talk show to promote her breakout movie. This is where it all starts.

♥

When someone mentioned the words bachelorette party, Luna pictured women enjoying themselves, lots of bottles of alcohol, games that are fun after five drinks, and maybe a stripper or two. She, definitely, didn’t imagine herself in a corner, scared of facing the bride’s tantrum. No joke here, she’d seen Yam’s cousin crossing herself before she informed her they’d gotten the tablecloths they’d ordered for the wedding, a silent prayer to keep the already stressed bride calm. But, of course, the universe hated them and decided whoever oversaw the cloths, to pick the ‘wrong’ shade of red.

“I specifically asked for cadmium red, not this cheap ass lipstick red! Are you so fucking blind you can’t distinguish from two different colors? How can you be this incompetent?” She saw most of the people flinch at Yam’s tone; Luna felt for them, she too wanted to be anywhere else. “They are different colors! If you can’t tell one from the other why would you even offer them in your catalogue?!” As Yam continued to yell, Luna saw her friend’s mom apologizing for her daughter’s outburst, offering everyone another round of drinks, before dragging the blonde to another room to continue her call.  Jim sighed tiredly – poor girl had had to endure her best friend’s moods far longer than anyone in the room- slipping her margarita to Nina’s hand – not before emptying it all in a gulp-, as she hurriedly left to follow the screams.

“If I ever become this level of bridezilla, please slap my face with the tablecloth.” Luna told Nina, sipping on her mojito, silently laughing when they heard Yam cursing someone once more.

“Only if you return the favor.” Her best friend proposed, offering her glass of water to her, her duty as DD kept her alcohol free for the evening.

She happily clicked her glass with hers, sealing the deal. After both had sipped on them, Luna spoke again, “time really flew by. I still remember the day Yam came to lunch waving her hand on our faces because Ramiro had proposed, and now…” she sighed.

“She’s only days away from spending the rest of her life with the guy she loves...”

Luna snorted. “Or having a heart attack because another insignificant detail got messed up, whichever happens first.” Nina laughs with her for a moment, sipping the last of her drink before changing the subject.

“How’s the roller coming along?” her friend asks, as if she hadn’t spent most of the last three months inside the building with her.  

“Slow. Tiring. Hopefully great, though.”

“Still going over paperwork?”

She sighed, “yeah. Who knew buying a building and reconstructing it to open a skating rink was so laborious?”

Nina offered her a reassuring smile, extending her hand to squeeze hers in support. “You’re doing more than great, L. Soon your dreams will be a reality and all this work will be worth it.”

“I know, I know. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck, though.” Her best friend laughed.

“Don’t pretend you’re not the one who insisted on reviewing everything and every little step, Luna. You could have easily left it to your trusty lawyer and architect, but you didn’t and here you are now.”

Luna huffed out, “excuse me for wanting to make sure everything is perfect.” She knew Nina was only kidding, so she tried to make it sound like a joke; even if she only half-meant it. You couldn’t half-ass a business, you just couldn’t; not unless your goal with it was to end up broke and deep in debt.

“And it will be. It might take time, but it will.” Nina said reassuringly, not an ounce of hesitance in her voice.

“Thank you, N.” She sipped her mojito once more, “now, will you tell me what’s bothering you? You’ve been playing with your necklace since we got here, and I doubt it’s because of Yam getting on your nerves.” Then again, Luna at least had alcohol to sooth the yelling and bear the ridiculous games, Nina’s soberness surely was playing against her.

“I’ve got something to tell you and I’m not sure how you’re going to react, and  I don’t want you to get mad at me, so…”

“So you’re choosing not to tell me?” she frowned. She hated when people did that; after all, if they gave her a head up beforehand, she’d save herself the unpleasures of being surprised.

“No, no. I just- well I just wasn’t sure how to tell you. It’s kinda… it’s to do with a certain someone.”   Oh.

Oh.

While Luna didn’t choose to avoid having Matteo as a topic of conversation, she purposefully didn’t bring him up, so, neither did Nina. Until now, apparently.

The fiasco at his apartment had been left unspoken after her plans with the Roller started to pan out. Partly because she didn’t have enough free time to do dwell on it, and partly because she still cringed whenever she reminded herself of what had happened with him. She’d still kept up with him through Delfi’s offhanded comments on their ‘lessons’, and – embarrassingly enough- through a couple magazines there and there. Not that she believed anything they’d written about him; she highly doubted he’d brought three lions to exhibit at a party in his apartment.

Point was, even if she didn’t particularly have the lady balls to talk to him again and call a truce, she still cared enough to make sure he was somewhat okay.

“Matteo isn’t Voldemort, Nina, you can say his name out loud and nothing will happen.” Nina gave her a sheepish smile.

“I know, but since we haven’t talked about him in a while I wanted to make sure it wasn’t a problem.”

“Well, it isn’t, so you can say whatever you have to.” Luna urged her, sipping her drink once more, her curiosity getting the best of her.

“So, you know how I said I’d asked Eric to be my date for the wedding?”

“Yeah, but then you said his grandma broke her hip, or something, and he cancelled on you.” She frowned, “did you ask Matteo to be your date?” Luna didn’t try to hide her surprise. Had her best friend reached out to him? Became close friends and didn’t tell her?

“No! No, no, no! I would never do that to you! I asked Gastón. You know, his best friend? We’ve talked from time to time and since I didn’t want to stay glued to Yam’s cousin more than necessary, I asked him if he could come. He said yes.”

Now she was confused. “Okay… is Matteo coming? Or why were you worried I’d react badly?”

“You’re not mad?” Nina asked timidly, as if she’d explode on her for this.

“No! Why would I? Matteo and I’s disaster is that – ours-, you can be friends with his best friend and invite him wherever, N. To get mad at you for having friends would be ridiculous; just like you thinking I’d get mad at you for this.”  

“Better safe than sorry, no?” Luna shook her head, letting out a small chuckle. Nina spoke again, “and the answer is no.” At her confused expression, she clarified, “he’s not coming. At least, I don’t think he is, neither Yam or Ramiro are in his circle, and you know Yam would tell you if she had invited him.”

“Yeah. I guess so.” Their conversation was cut as Yam, her mom, and Jim entered the room once again. The bride significantly happier, and her companions a lot more relieved.

The moment Yam’s words left her lips, she was glad she was on her third mojito.

“Who’s up for a round of ‘Pin The Macho on the Man’?!”

♥

               Welcome to a whole new JaJazmin! I’m your host, the beautiful, incredible, gorgeous, amazing… Jazmín Carbajal-Gorjesi! Thank you, yes, thanks, I know all of you love me but let’s save some love for our guest tonight, alright?  She’s beauty, she’s grace, she could break your face in roller skating! Please welcome Olympic Medalist, and the star of your favorite sports movie, SHATTERED WINGS, the one, the only, the best of the bestest: SOL BENSON!-  

-          Thank you! What a lovely welcome, Jazmín, thank you for having me again.

-           

You’re very wel-… I mean, it’s an honor to have you back. But tell me, please, how’s retired life treating you?

                                It’s been pretty calm, really, which I think is what retirement is all about (*chuckles*), and like I’ve said, I never meant to leave the skating rink permanently, I’m just not competing anymore. I’ve achieved everything I’ve ever wanted, and I’m happy with how everything ended.

                  The days following your statement must have been crazy, weren’t they?

Yeah, a little. I never talked about my plans, or early retirement, so it’s partly my fault for dropping this on my fans so suddenly, whom I apologize to for hurting them with the news. They’ve been there for me in every step of the way, and I hope they continue with me for what’s to come.

               We’ll talk about that in a minute, but I have to ask - and I hope you don’t mind-, your name wasn’t the only one that resounded when the news hit.

Mmhmm.

               Correct me if I’m wrong but many people… concluded your decision wasn’t at all about you reaching your dreams and being done with competing. They assumed your rumored boyfriend – Matteo Balsano, for those who don’t know-, had asked you to quit for one reason or another.

Crazy, isn’t it? I worked, sweated and bled on my dreams for over a decade… you’d think that hard work would get more recognition without a rumored fling butting in.

               I’m sorry.

Don’t be. I want to make it clear though, that Matteo and I were never anything but friends. He’s a great guy, one of the best I’ve ever met, but we were nothing except platonic.

               There you have it folks: Soltteo were a no. What a shame for every of us who were rooting for you two…

(*chuckles*) Sorry to disappoint. But hey, at least a lucky girl can still get his heart.

               Think you can hook them up with him?

Uh…

(*laughs*) I’m kidding, I’m kidding! Moving on, though, what’s next for Sol Benson? Got any plans yet?

Well-

 ♥

“What are you watching?” His best friend flopped down on the bed next to him, grimacing as soon as he saw what was on the screen of his TV. “Again? This is what, the millionth time?”

“The re-run was on.” Matteo shrugged it off, dismissing its importance.  

“And you decided to watch it just because? You gotta stop this masochism, dude. It’s been three months, if you miss her so much-”

“It’s not like that, and you know it.” He didn’t miss her exactly.  After all, he didn’t have the chance to get to know her enough to do so. It was more of him occasionally wishing he had the guts to pick up his phone and apologize again until things weren’t… weird between them. Luna running away from him had left him with a permanent needle pinching his heart, and he was sure it wouldn’t leave until they resolved their… issue.

“Do you know that, though? ‘Cause honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if you had her words memorized by now.” Matteo turned the TV off, just as Luna initiated a round of quick questions with Jazmín, shaking his head at his best friend, whom had taken the liberty to spread out on his bed.

“Sorry to disappoint.” He huffed.

Gastón let out a sigh, as if he was tired of his denial. Which, in all fairness, so was he. “Are you in one of your weird moods? These short answers are kind of annoying, I want to talk to my best friend and feel like he’s actually here.”

“I’m sorry, my mind is just all over the place.” He offered him a smile, hoping Gastón could hear the sincerity in his voice. Matteo wasn’t giving him an attitude on purpose, he knew he was worried about him.  “And before you even ask, no, this isn’t about Luna. Delfi called me; my label wants to hear the songs I have so far. I guess I’m just nervous.”

“Why? I’ve heard some of them there and there, it’s sounding great, dude. I would even dare to say it’s your best so far. If anything, they should be nervous, they won’t know what hit them.”  

“Thanks, bro. But you know it’s different this time. A lot more… personal.” Out of all his albums, this one had to be the rawest. He wasn’t holding anything out this time, he wasn’t telling half-truths or hypothetic scenarios; whatever he was feeling, he wrote. He poured every single emotion into them. And it left him exposed, his heart naked to anyone who were listening.

He wasn’t playing it safe, dismissing the formula that had gave him a name in the industry. Now, his true self was on the spotlight, and he’d be lying if he didn’t admit it scared him.

“I’m telling you, they’d be crazy to reject them. I’ll pay for them to get checked by a doctor if they as little as insinuate it’s not the best thing they’ve heard in all their careers.” He had to laugh at this.

“Now I know it’s your bias talking.”

“Hey, I might be your best friend, but I’m not deaf, and I happen to have an excellent ear and taste for music.”

“Says the ABBA fan.”

Gastón gasped dramatically, sitting up quickly as he took his right hand to his heart. “How dare you! They’re amazing, and happen to have great, iconic songs! Here I am, bolstering you, like the great friend I am, and you dare to insult me and the greatest Swedish band of all time. Shame. On. You.”

Matteo threw him an amused look in return. “Well, consider me thankful. Anyways, did you want to tell me something?”

“What do you mean?”

Matteo arched his brows, as if it weren’t obvious. “You mean to tell me you just came into my room to ask me what I was watching on TV?”

“Uh, yeah?” When he gave him an ‘I don’t believe you for a second’ look, Gastón shrugged sheepishly. “Okay so I might have some news.” Matteo motioned for him to continue, “you know Ramiro Ponce and Yam Sánchez, right?”

“Yes.”

“Well they’re getting married this weekend, and Nina invited me as her plus one. Her supposed date cancelled on her and since the groomsman that’s supposed to walk the isle with her freaks her out, she asked me to cover for him, so he doesn’t attach to her after the ceremony.”

“Dating her now, are you?” He couldn’t help but to tease him, even if he knew they were merely platonic. “So, you’re going out this weekend, cool. I can manage to be alone one evening, you know.”  

“It’s not like that and you know it.” Gastón threw his words back at him. “I’m telling you this in case you want me to rely a message on a certain someone, or something.”

Why was he friends with him again? “Sure. Can you tell the happy couple I say, ‘congratulations on getting contractually bound to each other’ for me?”

Gastón looked surprised at first, but as soon as he finished hearing his answer, he put on a blank face. “Sure. Well, if you want me to rely anything else to anyone else, you know where to find me.”

“Mhmm.” After that, Gastón left his room, huffing what sounded like ‘stubborn idiot’, which he was sure were his words.

Mindlessly, Matteo turned his TV on again, switching from cable to scroll on Netflix as soon as he noticed JaJazmín had ended. He was about to put play on a random movie when his phone rang. The name displayed on the screen took him off guard.

“Hello?”

“What do you think of being my date to a wedding this Saturday?”

[inquisitorhierarch]

Musings about Reyes

So, I know I’m like… a year or so late on this or whatever, but… I mean, when do I ever do anything in a timely fashion. Finally reached Kadara on my current Mass Effect: Andromeda playthrough and went and got the Reyes romance done (talk about a whirlwind lmfao), and it’s just… leaving me thinking a lot of things.

I don’t think it struck me in the quite the same way as most people who fell head over heels for him – and believe me, I don’t mean that in a negative way, like that they’re wrong, nor that I didn’t enjoy the heck out of it – like I’m just resonating with this different note in the chord than everybody else, or at least than everybody else who I happened to be following during the big boom of popularity right when the game came out.

Under the cut because this is going to get lengthy (also tagging @commiemood because she’ll know if this is something everyone knows and I just missed it before now XD)

Forgive me if this gets rambly.

I was thinking just yesterday that I’d never understood why people characterised Reyes’ actions as particularly flirty; I knew racial stereotyping was the main cause, of course, but it still baffled me that people really went with that despite how cautious and practically austere his behaviour can be depending on conversation choices. He always plays very tit-for-tat – so if you play a highly professional Ryder, he essentially echoes that, like, he can handle The Job part of the job. That’s why he gets along so well with Evfra. Whereas if you play super-casual, he gets this very “ugh, work amirite” attitude to match.

So I was thinking then (before I’d actually played through the romance) that people were flirting with him because of their own preconceived notions, and he was responding basically in kind. Only to discover that that’s not entirely the case. I mean, he flirts (or rather, he flirts back, he never actually initiates anything himself), but a lot of his romance dialogue is also deflective (like responding to Ryder’s suggestion they should kiss again at Sloane’s party by saying they’re teasing and leaving the room instead of obliging). It’s very… arm’s length, half warnings.

So, like… I mean people really have no leg to stand on whatsoever in trying to pretend it’s anything other than racism. Like… jeez.

But the thing that struck me is that… that’s classic spy behaviour. It’s easy to get what you want, especially information, if you just spend all your time being whatever your mark wants you to be, whoever the mark happens to be at any given second. Reciprocal behaviour like that is a great way to make somebody think that you “click” together, but it’s a learned skill, not something you can just pull out one day when you need it. So, money’s got to be on him being in some kind of intelligence work back in the Milky Way.

And in that context, I don’t think when he says that he came to Andromeda to be someone that he meant, like, an important person or a leader or whatever. Keema said she wouldn’t even agree to help Reyes unless she was going to end up in charge of Kadara, and he describes that as her “agreeing to help him.” He didn’t mean to be king and just not have it shake out that way; this was his plan all along. He didn’t mean “someone” as in “the man in charge.”

I think, probably, he meant that he wanted to stop being a spy every second. That he wanted to have his own opinions and feelings instead of mirroring whoever he was working on constantly. That he wanted to be a person for once instead of an intelligence operative. That line as he says it always struck me as rather bittersweet; on first viewing, the player might think that’s because he’s saying he wanted to be someone important but is just some smuggler, but to me now it reads as though he’s saying he wanted to escape from the espionage life and ended up playing the Charlatan despite his best efforts.

And then playing through the High Noon quest, what really struck me was how poorly-planned it was for somebody as well-organised and disciplined as he had been so far. He describes his approach up until that point as “death by a thousand cuts,” but death by a thousand cuts is pointless if it ends in an execution (at that point all your effort on the thousand cuts part was wasted). He even tells Ryder in Tartarus earlier that if they drum up some decent support for the Nexus by Pathfindering around, Sloane would see to her own demise. I don’t think he ever intended for the clumsy “I beat up your boyfriend and challenge you to a duel!” ending – at least until the night of the party.

Because after that night it was suddenly too close, the idea of giving it all up and just living as ordinary a life as possible alongside Ryder too within reach, and he got greedy, not for power but for that idea of escape from the chains of both his old life and now also the Charlatan. Ryder was never meant to be there; they’d have returned to Kadara Port one day to find Keema sitting in Sloane’s chair and Reyes shrugging and asking them if they wanted to dance, if he’d gotten what he wanted. He said he started up the whole Charlatan business because he wanted peace, and whether he was right or not about Sloane possibly bringing war later on, it seems to me that he would have wanted it more hungrily than ever after that night on the rooftops. Just. An End.

It's highly ironic to me that almost every companion says something along the lines of “he’s still the man that had Sloane killed, so be careful with him” when Ryder was almost certainly the catalyst that made him shift his plans from “she’ll bleed herself dry eventually” to an imminent sniper in the dark (even not romanced, he saw a glimpse of friendship and was so lonely that he desperately wanted that, too, but of course in a romantic context I can certainly see it being a huge motivator for him).

Just… the way he says “I liked the way you looked at me. I didn’t want that to change” is… he didn’t suddenly need to take Kadara Port because he had big plans to be king or anything like that. It seems more like he wanted to make the Charlatan go away, so he didn’t have to be afraid of hurting Ryder or driving them away anymore.

Another thing that moved me a lot is the line during the dance where (if Ryder says everyone has secrets and just not to lie about big things) he thanks Ryder for accepting him; in that moment it reads to me that the fear that he wasn’t enough is what led him to overreach and organise the whole High Noon thing and almost ruin everything, and he feels Ryder’s words there kind of soothe that instinct in him, at least a little, particularly if he really does want to quit being a spy/spymaster.

Of course, I’m not saying that he’s morally flawless or whatever. But I think most people are fluent in the degrees of Reyes’ moral complexity by now. Just – what struck me the most was how Ryder really did decide the future of Kadara Port, without even knowing it, by making him want to reach out for what he thought was the light, against everything he’d been doing before.

[oh-no-an-opinion-blog]

I really liked Lanque’s Route in Friendsim, especially the “problematic” endings

Discourse and Spoilers, don’t read if you’re just looking for rage fuel. Or do. You control your own actions, and as long as you take responsibility for them everything will be Gucci. We good? We good.

Fight me if you want, but I’m putting it out there. I am happy to have a character who is trans, but who also has other elements to their personality even if they aren’t innocent. Yeah he’s got flaws, so does everyone else. Alternia is an alien planet with a culture is clearly different from ours, and that needs to be taken into account when considering what’s “problematic”. We’re talking about a planet of kids being raised by animals or by themselves on the streets into a classist society where they are allowed to murder each other for a physical trait that they can’t control somehow permissible but as soon as someone acts like an ass and tries to get some serious action it all goes to the fan? There’s a lot more “problematic” behavior we could be worrying about but we only hyper-focus it on Lanque because he’s canonically trans. Not every trans person is a good person, and characters who are trans shouldn’t be sheltered from some more tricky personalities to handle.

Idk man, I fuckin loved how V straight-up went out and said that you had to own up to looking at the problematic material. They called out the discourse, and after writing a route like the one they did for Marvus none of us should be surprised. The idea of it being Hussie is one I personally like, but even if it’s not I think it’s great that they don't hold back just because of what some fans think. They deal with characters like they’re actual people, meaning that some will be what others think is problematic. 

I’ve seen a lot of people upset at the fact that Lanque called out Lynera, and don't get me wrong that was hella uncalled for, but have y’all considered that maybe since we haven’t known Lynera for the last 2.43 sweeps (which is what, about 5 years? As long as a middle or high school career?) we don't know the kind of shit she’s been talking? It’s a bit unfair to judge yet, really. He doesn’t take her feelings into account, but then again was she taking his when she was saying shit?

Lanque is selfish, but dare I present the fact that he’s gotta sacrifice himself to the caverns when he goes off-planet? Maybe he’s projecting a bit when he is so crude calling out Lynera, holding on to the little bit of freedom he can still take before the trials. I dunno, food for thought.

If the issue is the sexual nature of this route I would like to remind people that the MC still has the ability to make choices for themselves, shown when they refuse the drugs even after Lanque tries to coerce them into it (good job protag I love you) and aren’t being forced to do it in a fashion similar to how Ardata controls them early on in the game. That, and after being denied Lanque doesn’t force the MC to do anything. Yeah he pokes fun, but he still stops. As for dancing, it's sexual, and the MC even states that they know what he wants and it might be more than they’re willing to give, but they go with it because it “feels good”. That’s kinda why people do things like this in the first place, isn’t it? And in the bedroom scene, again, the MC doesn’t say no because you as the player consented at the start to seeing the kind of material that the mature content warning covered such as sexual situations, language, and coercion. The decisions of the MC are executed based on the presumption that you followed the rules Ardata set when you first agreed to play through this version of the route(aka being of legal age to see mature content, being aware of the specific mature content contained, and knowing yourself well enough to know whether or not you could handle possibly problematic content). If you looked at the warnings and thought “I can’t handle some of these aspects” and yet continued on anyway, that’s on you. If you did it just to fuel your rage against Lanque, same deal. You could have played it safe, and even if you didn’t whether the MC and Lanque “pail” is up to you. You either consent by keeping your mouth shut like Lanque tells you too or you don’t by calling Bronya in to take care of the situation, which you get rewarded for by getting the good end. Even the Hiveswap team knows that there’ s only so far they can go reasonably, literally labeling the option as “Call in his mom. This has gotten problematic enough.” 

Yes, opting out of it does get you some grief, but it’s a reflection of the general crowd that wanted to see a “safe” character in a world that really doesn’t have them (not to mention the nicely added piece in there about bi erasure, especially since trolls have a default bi/pan sexuality but as soon as same-sex attraction is seen that concept is thrown out the window). They gave some people what they said they wanted, but not without a clear jab to say that they’re not doing it necessarily because they want to. And don’t worry folks! Us sinners who decided to go all the way and then get tossed aside got dunked on too (but hey alien coochie amirite). So teasing for both sides! Equality! Yay!

The team honestly had the right to pull this. We couldn’t even behave when we first learned his damn pronouns. TWO LETTERS threw everyone into an uproar. Let’s not forget that this is considered THE SECOND ROUND OF DISCOURSE and there will probably be more when he reappears in Hiveswap Act 2. They were damned either way they tried to go, so they did both. It’s a spiteful move, but the Homestuck fandom is one of the few places where that can be done thanks to the unique relationship between us as players and readers and community creators, and them as canon creators and the facilitators for the whole thing. 

I’m sick of flop/problematic/discourse culture. I’m sick of overused exclamation points!!! being used!!! to try and make a point more valid!!!! and right!!!! I’m sick of wig-snatching, tea-sipping, uwu-ing, social justice phrased-as-if-you’re-above-all-of-this bullshit being perpetuated as legitimate discussion. Yeah, I sound like a dick here and I’m being petty, and that’s the point. This isn’t so much satire as it is how I close I can get to posting something related to discourse. I’m not putting out a twenty-page analysis on how “bad” Lanque really is or isn’t until my hand is forced to give my evidence over and explain how I as someone who is over 18 with reasonably neutral views sees him not being that problematic compared to a lot of other content I’ve seen with similar themes and actions. I’ve played Dramatical Murder and Boyfriend to Death, and if you want problematic I dare you go play one of those games.

TL;DR Ardata warned you, everyone complaining about how problematic her party was is playing right into the hands of the team, and the only ones to blame here for the drama are ourselves.

If you get owned, fucking own it. And boy, we sure as hell did.

[awed-frog]

tl;dr: nope

I got a couple of anon asks about this, and I’m also tagging @twist-shout-and-shells because they asked me to, but I have to say - I don’t know anything about comics, I don’t know Marvel at all, so this review is just a meaningless rant. Like, I know so little about this universe that the first superhero movie I ever saw in my life was Thor, and the only reason they got me was because my mythology-loving ass assumed this would be about the actual god, you know?, so that was a very confusing two hours. Anyway - after this, I’m done with them. The ridiculous hype campaign they created around Infinity War actually activated my crow brain, which means I rushed to the theater because I was sort of expecting this would be a shocking masterpiece and any spoiler would ruin it for me, and - yeah. Never doing that again. Because, whatever - they do manage to come up with some good writing from time to time, and Black Panther’s success had made me hope they’d finally recognize that a solid, coherent and meaningful story is really the first thing you need, but apparently not? 

Ugh.

Anyway, here are main reasons why I didn’t like Infinity War.

1) No, we don’t need a new plague

Problem number one with this movie is that it fails to take into account that our IQ as a people has dropped about twenty points over the last thirty years (and I’m not even joking) and that means even a guy nicknamed ‘Mad Titan’ is actually given the benefit of the doubt (I don’t remember anyone thinking Hela might have had a point, but then again, women are known to be emotionally compromised at all times, right, so all that rage was probably PMS and crazy bitches, amirite?, can’t live with them, can’t live without them). And here, predictably, is the result:

I even checked Breitbart so you wouldn’t have to and while they seem confused as to whether they should support this movie or not (don’t watch because Captain America is played by ‘Comrade Communism’, do watch because Chris Pratt is a Good Christian Man), it’s still clear to everybody over there that Thanos, “an environmentalist wacko obsessed with salvaging the natural resources of the universe” is “espousing liberal jibberish”.

So, I’m going to keep it short and mostly sourceless because I saw a lot of people discussing this, but just to be clear: yeah, it is worrying that human population has basically tripled in thirty years, but the correlation ‘more people = more damage & fewer resources’ isn’t as clear-cut as some like to think. Also, research shows that women being recognized as human beings - that’s the actual way to solve this problem (see also x, x), which means that if Thanos had meant business, he could have used those frwaking stones to build schools and family planning centres. 

2) Your plan against evil can’t be just saying no

This is probably what bugs me the most both in fiction and IRL: saying ‘Trump is a moron’, ‘capitalism is bad’ or ‘genocide is wrong’ is not a political program. It’s a moral stance, and kudos to you, but if you want to make the world a better place, you need a lot more than that. But, nope - IW fell into this trap with such relish I can actually believe no one saw this as a problem - at all. When Thanos pointed out, rather smugly, that decimating Gamora’s planet had led to a new era of happiness and prosperity, she didn’t react in any way. We never saw Tony or Shuri mentioning the outlandish, extravagant idea that better and greener technology could actually save us all. We never saw anyone point out that when the richest 1% own half the world’s wealth, wiping out half of a Nairobi slum isn’t likely to do much for the environment. I guess it wasn’t relevant to the plot?

3) Turning your audience against the good guys = dick move

That said, our planet is objectively in bad shape, and writers and artists who are (or like to think of themselves as) engagés are more than welcome to discuss this - for all her faults, JK Rowling did that to perfection in Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, focusing on the importance of conservation and taking a clear stance against animal trafficking. Other movies, of course, went a lot farther than that: my movie rec of the day is Okja, a masterful and soulwrenching look at how capitalism manages food production. But IW, on top of everything else, manages to be an anti-green movement movie? As if that was needed in any way? Apparently comic!Thanos’ goal was to impress Lady Death or something, and maybe they should have gone with that, because to me, movie!Thanos’ plan sounds like an ill-conceived and unfortunate parody of the green movement. In fact, eminent biologist E. O. Wilson’s Half-Earth explores this exact possibility - which is not about killing off 50% of the population, thank you very much, but about improving agriculture and urban structures so we can leave 50% of the world to the rest of the ecosystem. And maybe it’s just me, but isn’t it a bit weird the book came out at about the same time when IW’s script was being written? I try not to be a paranoid nutcase, but come on. Because what the movie does is that it turns Thanos into a sort of green Hitler whose only focus is the environment (“But he was a vegetarian!”), cue the creepy final shot of him going all ‘Schwarzy in the forest’ surrounded by clean-water creeks and happy animals while we are left counting our dead. The metaphor couldn’t be more obvious, and to be honest it is most unwelcome. Time and place, guys? I really haven’t seen something so revolting since I got to the end of the Da Vinci Code and realized atheists were the true monsters all along.

4) Being a hero doesn’t mean saving your friends

So this is starting to become a trend, and seriously, enough. If you’re a hero, then you need to think of something greater than yourself, and this is why your life will suck and suck and suck until your untimely death. Deal with it? And I can understand Loki giving up the Tesseract for his brother, because he’s always been more of an anti-hero than a hero, and his morals are shot to hell in any case, and I’ll forgive Dr Strange because he clearly saw something we didn’t, but what the hell was Steve thinking? Seriously, I keep seeing posts about how Pure and Noble Steve is, and guys, did we even see the same movie? Bringing Vision to Wakanda meant endangering an entire nation, and thousands of people there paid for that choice with their lives. It’s because Steve insisted in not seeing the big picture - or accepting Vision’s own wishes - that Thanos even succeeded in the first place. If they’d destroyed the stone, Thanos would never have gotten his hands on it, and Wakanda would not have been attacked by a horde of alien demons. Sacrificing hundreds or thousands of nameless (black, African) warriors to keep one (white) man safe is not heroism - it’s cowardice. It’s assuming your own feelings and your friends’ lives count more than the lives of strangers, and this is the exact opposite of how a hero should think. Not that I’m surprised, since Steve already condoned the destruction of half of Bucharest to save Bucky, but whatever. Compare and contrast with Tony, by the way, who first tried to destroy the Time stone, then chose to sacrifice himself to save someone he didn’t even like? Yeah, that’s more like it. #TeamStark

5) Every single woman is defined by her relationship to a man

With the caveat that no emotion, connection or motivation is throroughly explored in IW because it’s an action-packed movie during which people never speak an honest word to each other (relying instead on posturing, movie quotes and sarcastic remarks), here is basically what happens: men have things, and women have men. Tony’s journey is mostly about saving Peter and also sacrificing himself for the world. Steve is all about his friends and various heroics. Dr Strange is a sort of ascetic monk playing the long game. Thanos wants to save the universe or something. And Vision is on a quest towards humanity? Maybe? But the women - Gamora is important because she’s Thanos’ daughter. Scarlet Witch is important because she loves Vision. Natasha (I think she’s in the movie? I don’t actually remember if we hear her speak) is on Cap’s side because Cap. Pepper only appears to remind us of what Tony has to lose. Exceptions to this rule include Shuri, whom IW didn’t quite manage to destroy; Loki, who was always female- and queer-coded, so I’m not surprised he ends up dying for the handsome and suitably Aryan hero; and arguably Starlord, who mostly fights for Gamora (what is a virtue in a woman, however, is a weakness in a man, because Starlord ends up fucking up the plan because of his love for her). And I know they probably tried to compensate for the complete lack of women in the movie by highlighting how powerful Scarlet Witch is and focusing so much on Gamora, but I’m an annoying person, so that didn’t work for me. Because, again, Scarlet Witch is a 2D character plucked directly from a Victorian dictionary’s definition of ‘woman’ (while the menfolk around her worry about the possible demise of the Entire Earth, there she is, channelling all her energy in being a good and loyal companion to her robot husband) and Gamora has no more control over her life in this movie than she had as a child? Her main narrative purpose in IW is to make us feel bad for her boyfriend and father, who’re both driven to kill her (for very different reasons) and suffer for her death (and don’t get me started on Thanos suddenly loving someone and what a stroke of luck, the one person in the universe he gives a damn about just happens to be standing next to him on top of a cliff when he needs to kill her). Seriously, why is it that female characters’ concerns still begin and end with romantic love? This trope that romance is the most important thing for every single woman needed to die, like, yesterday.

6) None of that actually means anything

Look, I’m a sucker of time-travel of any description, but I also think time-travel must be done honestly or not at all. Movies like Back to the Future or Arrival both use time bending to great effect, because the stakes are real and painful and there are all sort of complex decisions facing our heroes. But IW doesn’t care about any of that. The existence of the Time stone is not about ethical dilemmas or even turning up the drama to eleven - the one purpose of that thing is to make us hope that our personal fave is not dead after all, so we’ll keep watching this stupid franchise until the end of times. That finale could have been innovative and heartwrenching, and instead we already know it wasn’t. Samuel L. Jackson is apparently confirmed in Captain Marvel, which will be released next year, and we also know they’re working on Spider-Man 2, Guardians of the Galaxy 3, Black Panther 2 and Doctor Strange 2. Capitalism has very nearly killed the possibility of creating a well-written and gutting story, because the rule is, If it makes money, it goes the fuck on. Hence TV shows which no longer make any kind of sense but we all keep watching out of nostalgia, affection for the characters or dissatisfaction with our own lives, and also franchises which stretch the plot to new and boring limits (for instance, it beggars belief that Tony and Steve didn’t even meet in IW, and their fight never came up at all: I guess we’ll have to wait for IW 2, or Avengers 37: The One with The Talk). And here, again, studios are so greedy that they willingly disregard the fact audiences will reward ‘complete’ stories: for instance, Logan was critically acclaimed and made tons of money, but the risk of ‘permanently’ killing off a beloved character is still considered too high. And playing it safe actually works: IW costed $320 million, which is about 5% of the studio’s budget, and that investment has already been repaid in full (the movie made double that in the first two weeks).  

(Meanwhile, 21st Century Fox gained more than one billion dollars from Trump’s TAX REFORM THAT WILL MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN - probably a disappointing amount of money for owner Richard Murdoch, who has a net worth of 15 billion and is known to use some of that hard-earned cash to support laudable & important causes such as the privatization of public education, but hey, we all need to make do and move on, right? Right.)

So this is mostly it. To be fair, IW was mildly entertaining, and I thought they sort of did a good job in juggling twenty leads - we got no character development at all and no meaningful dialogue, but we saw everybody at least once and their lines were funny? Some moments were genuinely good despite a couple of bizarre plot points (I’m still unclear on why Strange didn’t create a circle of fire around Thanos’ arm, and very tired of the overused ‘Yeah, let’s save the most powerful weapons for last’ trope), so I wouldn’t say this was the worst movie ever made, but as I said, I’m done. I’ve given more than enough money to this franchise, so when IW 2 comes out, I think I’ll be a boring adult and watch it on TV as I’m doing my ironing or something. Good times.

[alley-cat-sunflower]

Pretending to have been tagged by @yuutolovesturtles​, who left it open-ended, because I just love talking about myself. (Also because I don’t know how to make the font all tiny-like on my own, so I’d like to save this for reference…)

The Last

Drink: Water.

Phone call: My supervisor, nitpicking church bulletin details.

Text message: Received? My mom telling me she was on her way home. Sent? Confirming that I received the message.

Song you listened to: The main battle theme from FFXV: Episode Ignis.

Time you cried: Half of yesterday as well as half the day before.

Have You Ever

Dated someone twice: I don’t really “date” people, but I have had a crush on someone, gotten over it, then decided to give it a try years later anyway.

Kissed someone and regretted it: Not really.

Been cheated on: Not to my knowledge.

Lost someone special: Kinda sorta not really?

Been depressed: Almost all the time. Trying to get better.

Gotten drunk and thrown up: I’ve never been drunk or even tipsy because I don’t like alcohol enough to drink it fast enough to feel anything. Also, being emetophobic, the possibility of throwing up is one of the main reasons I don’t drink.

3 Favorite Colors

Indigo

Scarlet

Cerulean

In The Last Year Have You

Made new friends: Yes, a couple. Started talking to the best lead at the dance hall, and now we’re pretty close. Had a classmate last semester who showed me more about myself and the world around me, but he’s missing in action at the moment. Working on making friends among other classmates this semester, too.

Laughed until you cried: Yes. I think the last time had something to do with my wonderful and ridiculous boyfriend, but I can’t swear to it.

Found someone was talking about you: Yes…? What does this mean?

Met someone who changed you: Absolutely; the aforementioned classmate.

Found out who your friends are: I guess? Expanded my circle a bit.

Kissed someone on your Facebook list: I don’t really use Facebook that often, but considering my boyfriend has one, I’d say so.

How many Facebook friends do you know: Why would I have any FB friends I don’t know?

Do you have any pets: Three cats at my dad’s house.

Do you want to change your name: Not really.

What did you do for your last birthday: Had a minor nervous breakdown, nbd.

What were you doing at midnight last night: Writing things I really, really shouldn’t.

Name something you can’t wait for: Final Fantasy VII Remake!!

When was the last time you saw your mom: Like, a few minutes ago? She just went into the garage to rearrange some stuff.

What are you listening to right now: “Valse di Fantastica” from Final Fantasy XV.

Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: That’s one of my cousins, so yeah.

Something that is getting on your nerves: Walt Whitman.

Most visited websites: Tumblr, YouTube, various wikis (for research purposes).

Hair color: Brown.

Long or short hair: Long.

Do you have a crush on someone: I’m honestly not sure anymore.

What do you like about yourself: Hard to find anything these days… I guess I like that I’m passionate about things, even if they’re not exactly the ‘right’ things. And I like my writing ability, even if I tend to misuse it.

Blood type: I don’t know, actually.

Nickname: Alley or Alley Cat, in internet circles.

Relationship status: Not sure of the exact parameters as of now, but taken.

Zodiac: Wood Boar with Snake ascendant; double Aquarius with Aries rising.

Pronouns: She/her.

Favorite TV show: I don’t watch a lot of TV… Monty Python’s Flying Circus?

Tattoos: None. Might get the planetary symbol for Uranus someday, though.

Right or left-handed: Right.

Surgery: None to speak of, and I don’t want any either.

Sports: I can’t play any to save my life, but I like watching San Francisco Giants baseball. Except for last year. Last year royally sucked.

Pair of shoes: Like, my favorite? I wear the same damn pair of leather boots every day.

Eating: Just had dinner, courtesy of my mother. Salmon, spinach, and rice with mushrooms.

Drinking: Water. Considering tea, though.

Waiting: For the FFXV Royal Edition content to download so I can face Somnus and learn more Ardyn backstory. I know, I know, I’m trash.

Get married: That’s crossed my mind a lot lately, since I recently wrote a wedding and have a couple more marriage-related fics on the back burner, but… I don’t know. That’s a question for another, less unstable time.

Career: I wanna be an author and/or editor someday. I’d love to be able to make money just writing my stories. The main issue is finding the motivation to write out my original ideas instead of hyperfixating on fandoms…

Which Is Better

Hugs or Kisses: Depends, but I’d say hugs overall since there’s only ever been one person whose kisses I have thoroughly enjoyed.

Lips or Eyes: Eyes, typically.

Shorter or Taller: Not like I have a preference, but a lot of my best friends are tall.

Older or Younger: Doesn’t much matter to me. It seems like most of my inner circle are within a couple years of myself either way.

Nice Arms or Nice Stomach: I don’t pay attention…

Hookup or Relationship: Relationship for sure.

Troublemaker or Hesitant: Bit o’ both. Fuck Mars in Pisces.

Kissed a stranger: Noooooooope.

Drank hard liquor: I don’t like alcohol.

Lost glasses/contact lenses: I can’t fuckin see without ’em, so no.

Turned someone down: Roughly once a year or every couple years, for some reason, but I’ve been fortunate to avoid any… untoward encounters. I don’t go out of the house. I don’t put that much effort into my appearance. I don’t go out of my way to socialize. Where did I go wrong?

Sex on the first date: More like “sex within the first year of dating” amirite? And the answer’s still no. It might’ve edged a bit closer to ‘maybe’ within the first few months of knowing someone else, but idk whether that’s changed or not; haven’t seen him in several weeks.

Broken someone’s heart: I… might have? I don’t think so, though. The people who give me their hearts are pretty resilient. I’m usually able to convince them to give them to me platonically instead, and then we’re all happier.

Had your heart broken: Nope. I have been turned down before, but I’m the only one allowed to break my heart, thank you. It’s easier that way.

Been arrested: God, no. Never even been in legal trouble. *knocks on wood*

Fallen for a friend: Nnnnot really? Normally, they’re fairly new faces. My boyfriend was my friend first, has been for seventeen years, but I didn’t really “fall for” him.

Cried when someone died: Oh yes.

Do You Believe In

Yourself: Now and again.

Miracles: Depends on the definition.

Santa Claus: Not anymore.

Kissing on the first date: I mean, clearly it happens? Just not with me?

Also not tagging anyone, because I am the slayer of tag memes; they always end at my doorstep. But this one was actually really fun, so if you wanna do it, please do and tag me! I’m living proof you can get away with taking someone up on that offer!

[rebakadraws]

INUKAG INUKAG INUKAG INUKAG INUKAG INUKAG INUKAG INUK

Send me a ship and I’ll tell you…

Who is more likely to hurt the other?

I suppose Inuyasha; it’s already a thing that when his youkai blood fully takes over due to some outside force, he loses his self-control and is a danger to everyone… Kagome is able to help him keep more control of himself, but… Didn’t he actually hurt her when he transformed once in the final act? The final battle with Naraku? Rip

Who is emotionally stronger?

Definitely Kagome. Inuyasha has put up with a lot, A LOT, of tragedy in his life, and continues on with a brave face… But just because he never like, breaks down crying over things, doesn’t mean that he’s entirely emotionally strong. He still lets his anger and jealousy get the better of him, and, well we all know he can generally act pretty immature pff.Kagome may let her tears show, but, she also continues on with a brave face, and  yet unlike Inuyasha, she didn’t grow up in these times of tragedy and demon-like youkais overrunning the world, she wasn’t conditioned to the emotional trauma like he was. But she too continues on with a brave face. Also she was so emotionally strong that she was able to willingly decide to loyally stay by Inuyasha, even though his guilt-driven loyalty to Kikyou in turn tore her apart inside… That is emotional strength right there dang (and it pays off in the end \o3o/ )

Who is physically stronger?

Inuyasha duh.

Who is more likely to break a bone?

Inuyasha with how he gets beaten to a fricken pulp all the dang time. His youkai blood allows him to survive it and quickly heal from such injuries, but, doesn’t mean he still doesn’t get them injuries fndsjfndsjk. Though I do wonder how Kagome’s never gotten frickin broken bones from all the times she’s been hit by something and thrown multiple feet to land on the hard sometimes rocky ground fvbdhsjfkbdh

Who knows best what to say to upset the other?

These two both know plenty of how to get on each other’s nerves pff… I guess I’d have to say Kagome though, since Inuyasha gets riled up so easily, she could get him upset with just a word if she wanted to. Inuyasha might get Kagome upset plenty of times with his words, but see, usually it’s unintentional, just him being his gruff rude self – it’s not purposeful malice, like him knowing and planning exactly what to say to upset her, which is what this question is asking.

Who is most likely to apologize first after an argument?

Kagome. We all know it’s Kagome, rip her. Inuyasha gets better with apologizing over time though, amirite? And I can imagine Kagome gets more stubborn about him apologizing first once they’re a couple, and he slowly becomes more and more relenting to knowing when to admit he was in the wrong and needs to apologize.

Who treats whose wounds more often?

Kagome obviously.

Who is in constant need of comfort?

Inuyasha, though he puts up his gruff attitude to make it seem like he’s fine. HE’S GOTTA LOTTA ANGST AND INSECURITY FAM that’s why Kagome is so good for him, she knows him the best anyone ever has, accepts him for who he is, and knows how to cheer him up~.

Who gets more jealous?

Inuyashhaaaaaa, we all know this XD.

Who’s most likely to walk out on the other?

SIIIIIIIIGH hmm……. I…… I hate this scenario because it happens so much in Kagome x someone else fics agh. What if I said that I legit can’t see either of them walking out on each other :V? Even tho ppl who don’t ship InuKag like to think this fndhsjbfhdsj Because like… Kagome’s already made her choice to stay by Inuyasha, despite how much he can upset her and despite the whole deal with Kikyou. After everything they’ve been through together... I can’t see her just finally breaking and abandoning him. She’s too stubborn haha and strong (and that’s why she so good for hiiiiim).And, Inuyasha I think, may be a stubborn jerk sometimes (a lot of the time lol), but he’s not really so stupid to not see what Kagome has for him, and leave her. He might let her go if she left because he doesn’t think he deserves her love, but he himself wouldn’t be so stupid as to be the one to leave. He’s always following after her, coming to get her from her home or rescue her from danger, isn’t he?And the whole thing with Kikyou I don’t think was a matter of him choosing between the two at all. It was such a complex situation, ugh… But Inuyasha gave Kagome an out once, because he knew that he couldn’t allow himself to return her feelings when he felt indebted to Kikyou… But Kagome chose to stay. And he never canonically indefinitely ditched Kagome for Kikyou, it was always just short visits when she was nearby to make sure she was okay. After acknowledging that he couldn’t choose between them, letting Kagome know this, and yet her choosing to stay I seriously doubt that Inuyasha – rude as he can be – would be such a tool as to abandon Kagome after she chose to stay by him.SO YEAH THERE’S MY LITTLE RANT SORRY LOL But this is such a weird topic with this ship.TLDR; These two may fight and argue a lot, but, they’ve both already made their choice to stick by each other, and, I can’t see either of them going back on that decision, not after everything they’ve been through together.

Who will propose?

Inuyasha of course. And I don’t think it’d take him very long after Kagome comes back after the 3 years; after finally figuring out all his confusing feelings and realizing they were meant to be together, only to then have her ripped away from him for 3 years… He’d have waited long enough already to be with the girl he loves ;__;

Who has the most difficult parents?

Both of Inuyasha’s parents are deeeed and Kagome’s mom is an angel 10/10 best mom. So.

Who initiates hand-holding when they’re out in public?

Kagomeeeee. Inuyasha is the tsundere, we all know this.

Who hogs the blankets?

Kagome, who’s used to sleeping in a big comfy modern bed and gets cold easier. Inuyasha is used to sleeping in trees (so I doubt he moves much) and without blankets.

Who gets more sad?

Well I suppose Kagome, since Inuyasha has his angst but gets more angry than sad from it. Kagome is a lot more empathetic and open about her feelings so, isn’t ashamed of getting sad all the time for other’s tragedies and such.

Who is better at cheering the other up?

Kagome, obviously pff. Inuyasha’s even said that she heals his soul, hasn’t he?? Inuyasha says the wrong things too much rip. But still, when he needs to, I think he’s better at showing his feelings and cheering others up through actions, not words, since he screws those up too often haha. He does his part in cheering Kagome up, but he does have to put in more effort than she does to figure out exactly what to do for her.

Who’s the one that playfully slaps the other all the time after they make silly jokes?

Ummmm... Well I can’t see Kagome doing this, but I can see rough Inuyasha doing this.... But not to Kagome. I can see Inuyasha doing this but like, only with bros, like Miroku, or an older Shippou. It just seems too gruff-comradely for him to do to his sweet waifu.

Who is more streetwise?

I suppose... Inuyasha? Since he knows more about their Feudal Era world and everything.

Who is more wise?

We all know it’s Kagome XD.

Who’s the shyest?

Inuyashaaaaa. Kagome’s even made a point about it in the show how although he’s loud and rough he’s actually surprisingly shy. Shy doesn’t have to mean quiet, just, reclusive? Which is just what Inuyasha is – reclusive, and not very open with most people.

Who boasts about the other more?

Kagome! Once the two of them finally recognize their feelings and are together and are okay, she’d basically replace ranting about him (like she did to her schoolgirl friends) for boasting about how strong and caring he is hahaha. Inuyasha may not be so tsundere anymore once he’s married to Kagome (can’t rlly brush off your feelings for someone anymore once you’re married to them XD), but he’s still shy, so mainly keeps his appreciation of her just between them. I can see him getting caught rambling about her to his closest bro Miroku tho.

Who sits on who’s lap?

:V. Kagoooommmeeee. SNOOGLES. Inuyasha holds her in his lap a lot, snuggling her from the back, cuz he a needy dog boi. He’d lay his head in her lap a fair share too tho, but, that’s not sitting on laps.

[littledonkeyburrito]

tbh I might be hooked on these. I’ll stop when I have something more interesting going on in my life

Do you ever sit with your legs open? Yeah, often

Have you ever been offered drugs on the street? I have been to a nightlife area in Colombia, so yes, several times.

What is one place you have been to and hated? Harvey Bay. Went a couple of times as a kid and it was pretty shit.

Have you ever seen a jellyfish? Many

What’s your favourite kind of soup? Probably pumpkin

Do you ever put bread in your soup? I dip it in, yeah

Is there anything in the USB key slots in your computer/laptop? Mouse

What advertisements are on your screen at the moment? None.

Do you ever get a really itchy nose when you’re unable to scratch it? Yes

Has anyone ever randomly licked your face? Many dogs

When was the last time you bought a book? Fuck even knows. Well over a year ago

Are you upstairs or downstairs at the minute? Uhhh my apartment does not have stairs but it is on the 3rd floor of the building (out of about 8)

Have you ever been asked for directions? Yeah. I remember the first time someone asked me for directions in this city a few weeks after I moved here and I could actually point them in the right direction. I was really proud.

Are there any farm animals near you? In the inner city? Not that I’m aware of. 

Are there any lakes near you? No but the ocean is only a few minutes walk away.

Was there ever a time when you felt absolutely terrified? Sure

If so, why? Spiders usually

Have you ever been in your local newspaper? No but half my friends were in the sport section once or twice each because of karate stuff. They never gave a shit about me though.

Have you ever called your mother ma or mammy? Yeah I usually call her Ma or Mamá

Can you imitate any other accent? Eh I’m pretty bad with accents so I don’t try, except kiwi occasionally

What is your funniest memory of the 6th contact in your phone? It’s the number for my old work phone. One time one of my staff members, an old guy, called up on a friday around midday and he was like, “Just thought I’d call up and say have a great weekend.” I didn’t answer right away because I was waiting for him to get to the point and ask the work related question that he surely must have. But no. That was it. He literally only called to say have a good weekend and nothing else. I was like, “uhhh thanks man... you too..?”

Were you ever chased by an animal? Horse. During the period of life that I had a phobia of horses. It sure didn’t help. 

Are you single/or taken? Single

Are you happy with that?^ Eh it’s fine 

Do you make the first move or do you prefer it the other way around? I prefer it the other way around.

What is the most painful thing you’ve experienced? When I was 15 I got a tooth infection. It started as a toothache so mild I could barely notice it but it just didn’t stop. On day 3 it started really affecting me but the pain had gotten worse so slowly that I assumed it was still the same and that I was just being weak. I remember getting home from karate class and walking into the other room and just bursting out in tears because it hurt so much. Mum realised and pulled me out of school the next day to take me to the dentist. Got antibiotics and prescription painkillers. That night my mum called a 24 hour nurses hotline to ask them how many of the painkillers she could give me without me overdosing because she couldn’t stand to see me cry so much. Those pills barely did anything and I couldn’t sleep properly. I finished the week course of antibiotics and nothing had changed so went back to the dentist and they drilled out my filling, injected antiobiotics into my tooth, put another filling in and doubled the dosage of the pills. In all it was 12 day toothache, but I think about 5-7 days were hell. 5 years later the same tooth (a baby tooth still) got infected again but before it started to hurt I went to the dentist and paid over $500 for them to rip the fucker out of my skull. Dentist also had to drill out a little piece of my jawbone to stop the infection spreading. I never had an adult tooth underneath it so now I have a gap.

Do you hug someone whenever you see them? I'm not a hugger. But if they initiate it I’ll hug them. Usually it’s just my dad.

When was the last time you bled? What happened? Last week I cut my thumb on a beer can

When you look behind you what catches your attention the most? The picture on the wall

Have you ever had a controlling boyfriend/girlfriend? No How many true heart breaks have you had in your lifetime? None Who last grabbed your ass? Probably the guy in Panama grabbed my butt at some point but I don’t remember specifically

Do you have any gay family members? Not that I’m aware of Where did you get the shirt you are wearing? Mango. And I keep seeing other people in the street wearing this shirt and being surprised as if it’s not mass produced and sold in at least 7 stores in this city Do you feel like everything is falling apart around you? No Was your first kiss romantic? Uhh I guess it was at the time Do you know anybody whose last name is a color? Half of my last name is a colour What are you most likely to go to jail for? Probs murder. Go big or go home. Do you ever feel like life is going by too fast? Sometimes Who was the last person to sleep over at your house? A guy from Madrid who stayed with me for a weekend Is there someone that always intimidates you? Most likely, but I can’t think of anyone off the top of my head Have you ever liked anyone that was in a relationship with someone else? At some stage, probably Would you ever get a boob job? A reduction is almost a certainty in my future. I got my mum’s genes, so my tiddies ain’t ever gonna stop growing. Did your last relationship end because of you or the other person? I don’t think the time with any of my previous partners could actually be considered a relationship. The last fling ended mutually but damn he was pissed at me. Do you ever ignore texts from some people? No Have you ever tried to break up anyone because YOU liked the guy/girl? No, of course not When is the last time you felt left out? A little towards the end of my trip in central america because I got the feeling that several people in the group didn’t like me. But that was because I’d been lying to their faces for 2 weeks and they pretty much knew it so, y’know, I totally understood. And tbh it was worth it because I was still getting laid ;) When was the last time you flirted with someone? Panama What would you think if you found out your ex was gay? At least one of them is bi. That was fun though because we could bond over cute dudes we saw in public. Would you ever take someone back if you found out they cheated on you? Depends on the situation What does your last text message say? "It's only intense on the news. IRL everything is the same as ever aside from a few protests here and there” (fb message but whatever. I haven’t sent a text in almost a year) What color is your hair right now? Brown Do people ever compliment your eyes? Actually there was this one dude working in a cornerstore in Cartagena. I went in to buy a couple of empanadas before I went to the bus station and asked him which ones were chicken, beef etc. He asked if I spoke spanish and I said yes a little and he said something I didn’t quite get so I asked him to repeat it. He was like (in spanish) “you have beautiful eyes.” I was more surprised than anything because I was expecting him to say, “This one is beef” Do people ever tell you that you’re funny? Sometimes Would you be upset if you caught your boyfriend looking at porn? No How many people has your best friend had sex with? idk. Less than me I think What’s the last song you listened to? No idea. I don’t play music at home usually Who’s the last person that hung up on you? Several people I called from that telemarketing job Four days from now, will you have sex? On wednesday? I doubt it Do you look intimidating? I have been told that I do. What does your second to last text say? The second most recent message sent to me says “that’s what she said amirite” What makes you laugh? Many things. What were you most looking forward to today? Nothing in particular How is your hair? In need of a cut at some point When was the last time you had a conversation with an ex? A few months ago Are you worried about anything right now? Finding a job before I run out of money and have to go back to Australia How do you think tomorrow will be? The same as today Is there a guy who knows everything or almost everything about you? I have a couple of close male friends who know a lot about my life If you could pack your bags right now and were given a plane ticket, where do you go? Costa Rica How far away are you from the person you have feelings for? From spain to costa rica haha Your last ex calls wanting to hangout, what do you say? Well actually I think he is in town this weekend but he made it very clear that he doesn’t want to see me. tbh I don’t really care either way Where were you at 2 this morning? In bed scrolling through facebook on my phone Have you ever kissed anyone who’s name started with a K? I don’t think so Have you accidentally sent a text to the wrong person? Yes and it was me bitching about him. Last time you were TOTALLY happy? When I was travelling. I’m pretty much always happy when I’m travelling. Could you go the rest of your life without drinking alcohol? I could but I’m not going to. Is there anything currently hurting on your body? No Ever kissed someone with green eyes? No idea. I don’t pay much attention to eye colour When you are home alone, do you still close the door when you shower? Yes because it keeps the bathroom warm and steamy Are you mad at anyone right now? No Do you like your music loud or at a reasonable level? Reasonable level. I don’t like loud music unless I’m trashed at a club. A couple of months ago I was shopping and I walked into this one store and immediately turned around and left because the music was too loud and that’s when I realised I’m an actual adult. Have you held hands with anyone in the past 30 hours? Not unless you count a handshake as briefly holding hands. How often do you sleep in? Every day. I got nothing to do in the morning Will you be in a relationship next month? Doubt it Do you stay up later than ten o’clock on a week night? Yes because I got nothing to do in the morning Who’s the last person you told a secret to? I don’t think many things in my life are actually secret Do you think someone is thinking about you right now? Probably not Would you rather have big or small dogs? Medium Will you cry tonight? I don’t really ever cry Do you have respect for people even if you don’t like them? I can, depending on the person What’s one fruit you love in drinks? Lemon Have you ever tried wine? Yeah. I’m not a wine person but I’ve still been drunk off it a couple of times. In your life, do you plan on visiting other countries? Well in the last 3 years I’ve been to 11 countries and I definitely plan on going to plenty more. Is there an ex you want to make up with? Ehh, If I went back to australia I’d probably hit up the ripped guy but not for an actual relationship, just casual.

Does cuddling freak you out? Why would it? How much time do you take to get ready in the morning? about half an hour Do you love where you live? It’s honestly such a cool city. It’d be better if I had friends here to do things with, but I still like it even though I’m alone. Will your next kiss be drunk or sober? Knowing me, probably drunk Do you wear high heels everyday? I haven’t worn anything resembling a heel in about 5 years Are you an aunt or an uncle? No and I think my brother is about as likely to have kids as I am. Mum knows that she’s very unlikely to ever become a grandmother. Were you texting someone right before you fell asleep last night? Yeah, a couple of people Did you have any unread text messages when you woke up today? How many? 3 messages from one guy, and like 50 from a group chat. I woke up every now and then from the vibration of my phone under my pillow and had to mute the notifications for an hour Are you happy? I’m content, I guess Are you an alcoholic? Depends who you ask haha Can you go a day without thinking about the person that’s on your mind now? Not at the moment, no. Could you go the rest of your life without a cigarette? Yes. Does anyone know every little detail about you? There’s a few people that know many details about me What’s one thing you really want right now? More money Who was the last person you took a picture with? Some people from the office. Y’know, the one that I don’t work at anymore Did anything “cute” happen today? No. I haven’t left my apartment Are you wearing shoes right now? No Have you ever just laid outside and looked at the stars? I have. It’s very peaceful outside of the cities. Are you currently wanting any piercings or tattoos? No. I was going to get a tattoo a couple of years ago but I couldn’t pin down the tattoo artist because he kept being busy and moving between studios and then I kinda just lost interest. But if I got a tattoo now it would still be that same design Do you smile everyday? Yes Who are you more like, mom or dad? I look more like my dad but my personality and interests are a lot more like my mum. My brother is the exact opposite. Could you date someone shorter than you? I have. But I probably wouldn’t do it again. Where do you wish you were right now? Travelling Have a crazy side? Oh yeah Something you do a lot? Sleep 

What is your natural hair color? Brown How many people have you kissed? idk probably 20-something. I have a tendency to make out with people when I’m drunk

Ever kissed someone you weren’t dating at the time? Most of them Ever kissed someone you’d met less than an hour before? Sure have Were any of them in relationships with someone else at the time? Yes but it was a party game and they were both there and cool with it How old was the oldest person you’ve kissed? In their 30s How young was the youngest person you’ve kissed? Maybe 2 years younger than me Ever been kissed by a legal adult when you were a minor (or vise-versa)? No. Ever been walked in on while you were making out with someone? I don’t think so Weirdest place you’ve kissed someone? (geographically, not physically) I don’t think so, nowhere unusual. Just like car, club, empty spare room at a friend’s house Ever kissed someone and had someone else get really mad about it? Not that I recall Ever stopped kissing someone because they had bad breath? No, but I have slightly avoided kissing when I know we both have morning breath Ever not known the name of someone you kissed? Yep Ever kissed someone on a dare/as part of a game? Yep Kissed someone you didn’t really like just to make someone else jealous? No Ever had a really horrible kissing experience? haven’t we all Ever been called a bad kisser? No Ever called someone else a bad kisser? Lmao yes Where’s the most public place you’ve ever made out with someone? Club/in line for a club Where’s the most private place you’ve ever made out with someone? Bedroom I guess Ever thought of someone else while you were kissing someone? Probably Do you usually kiss on the first date? Tbh I’ve normally boned them before they’ve asked me out. I kinda do things in a backwards order. But I see no issue with kissing on the first date anyway.

[labyrinthofleah]

50 More interesting questions

Rules: fill this out and tag at least one person you’d like to know more about! Or just fill it out! Or don’t! Answer only some of them! Make up your own questions! “What kind of requirement is that”, you ask? A reasonable one! Who am I to tell you what to do? Anything goes!

(Original questions authored by @cavern-of-bells , thank you!)

Hypothetically tagged by @redpantychan​ XD

1. What kind of food can’t you stand?: I'm not incredibly picky, buuuut bitter food. Like bitter melon.

2. If you could choose one minor inconvenience to never have to deal with again, what would you pick?: Hiccups.

3. Have you got any useless talents?: I know Roberto Button's birthday (October 23), zodiac (cusp of Libra and Scorpio), and height (5'10") off the top of my head.

4. If you could be really really good at one thing, what would it be?: Putting myself out there more.

5. Name a few people you think are extremely good-looking: UHHHH real people? Chris Evans maybe??? Uhhh idk I don’t follow celebs at all SO Okita Souji is SO PRETTY (his eyesss) and also Hachiro Iba is so pretty. Also Olivia from FE:A, I love her hair? 

6. What was your favorite way to pass the time as a kid?: Writing stories, playing games, reading books. ie. all the stuff I still pass the time with now that I'm 25, lol!

7. What is something you’re proud of?: I've gotten back into reading for fun, and I can see an improvement in my writing as a result.

8. What’s one character flaw in people that you just can’t tolerate?: Intentional passive aggressiveness.

9. Do you consider yourself to be more of a leader or a follower?: I'm okay being both, but it really depends on the situation.

10. What kind of student are/were you?: I was a good student in high school, but I never learned how to actually study because I generally found the classes/homework pretty easy. Then I got to college. *explosion noises*

11. Butterfly effect question! Has there ever been a seemingly minor decision you’ve made (at the time) that ended up having a profound influence on your life?: I started making otome parodies and posting them. XD That got me interested in learning about audio equipment/programs/techniques, which led me to apply to an audio internship at a publishing company, which led to a regular salaried position/promotions at the same company.

12. Name your most irrational fear/aversion: I have a list. ;3; Buuuut if I had to name one, uhhh I really hate strong storms. A little lightning and thunder is cool and I enjoy wind and rain, but I tend to freak out if storm watches go out, because my mind instantly goes "NEXT STEP IS A TORNADO WARNING AND THEN EVERYONE'S DOOOOMED." I've gotten better at distracting myself when that happens, but yeah.

13. Are there any fictional characters you find especially relatable?: The characters in Hakuoki. Not because I've ever drunk a vampiric potion or because I've been in a police force or in any conflict beyond a thumb wrestling match. But a major theme in the game is very much about personal beliefs vs. what others tell you, and struggling to adjust to sudden changes in life. I just find that despite the hot otome guys and fantasy elements, it's a very human story in that respect.

14. If you drink, what kind of drunk are you? Alternatively, what sort of person are you at parties?: I can't really drink a lot because of the meds I take (trust me, the “don’t take with alcohol” warnings are on the bottle for a reason), but also because of my small frame I get tipsy SUPER FAST. I get kinda relaxed and giggly when that happens. I'm an introvert, but at parties/events where I'm comfortable and excited to go, I'm usually okay talking to others, dancing, etc.

15. Do you fall in love easily? Or does it usually take a long time for you to trust someone?: With fictional people, I see one CG or screencap and I'm just "I'M GONNA MARRY THEM AND WE'LL HAVE BEAUTIFUL BABIES TOGETHER." But in real life, it takes me a while to open up to people, and I've never had a serious crush or fallen in love yet.

16. Would you rather have one close friend or 100 casual friends?: One close friend. I'd rather have someone I can absolutely rely on even if we have rough patches together and have them know they can expect the same from me, rather than friends I can have fun with but they go AWOL when personal issues come up. I'm not the best at communicating, so it's a work in progress.

17. Do you consider yourself to be more of a slob or a neat-freak?: When it comes to work, I am SUPER METICULOUS. I organize my files and my inbox and I write protocols for everything. But uh, if you plan to come over to hang out, let me know in advance so I can pretend my room is neat all the time, lolol.

18. Describe a place (imaginary or real) that you would find incredibly cozy: I imagine the common rooms at Hogwarts to be safe and cozy and warm for their respective houses. So I guess the Ravenclaw common room, since that's my house. XD

19. Do you have kids? If not, do you want them someday?: No kids yet, lmao. I would like kids of my own someday, but not anytime soon.

20. What was your favorite book as a child? A Wrinkle in Time by Madeleine L'engle. It was the book that made me go "Hey I want to write, too!"

21. Name one thing you just don’t get what all the hype is about: fidget spinners, same as Chia. XD

22. Name one thing that you think is tragically underrated: The Story of Saiunkoku. It’s a great anime, watch iiiiit!

23. If you had to be glued to a person for a month, real or fictional (who you have never met), who would you choose?: Someone who can keep their head and be optimistic, but at the same time know when I need Introvert Time(TM). 

24. What’s something you’d like the chance to do someday?: Travel more.

25. Do you typically speak your mind when you have a controversial opinion? Or do generally prefer to not rock the boat?: If I'm with people I trust, maybe. Otherwise, nope.

26. What’s the dumbest fad you’ve been caught up in?: Beanie Babies. My mom once stood in a line to get one for my birthday even though looking back she definitely thought it was the stupidest craze ever, ilu Mom. XD

27. What’s something you thought was cool as a kid/adolescent, but now cringe at yourself for?: I pretended to have a crush on Lance Bass in grade school because I thought I needed a "celebrity crush" to "fit in."

28. What’s a trait you consider to be very admirable?: The ability to admit when you have done something wrong, acknowledging someone else's feelings/POV, and THEN taking actual pains to not repeat it. Basically when you actively consider taking the other person in a relationship (platonic, familial, romantic, etc.) seriously more important than "being right."

29. Is there a particular kind of item people always tend to give you as gifts? (For instance, people always get you things with ducks on them because you like ducks, etc.): My parents give me socks a lot. When I was a kid I was like "why" but now I'm all "YEAAHHHHH SOCKSSSS YOU GUYS ARE THE BEST." Also I get books and notebooks/pens. My college friends used to get me stuff with owl designs. 

30. Do you speak multiple languages? Which ones?: English. Trying to learn Japanese on Duolingo. The language of love. Altarian.

31. Would you rather live in the big city or the countryside?: Countryside, no doubt.

32. Has there ever been something you were certain you’d hate, but ended up loving?: I don't recall. I mean, I'm sure there's been lots of things, but nothing I really remember. XD;; Now I try to be more open minded when I try new things.

33. Do you mind being the center of attention, or do you prefer the spotlight to be on someone else?: I can be kinda self-conscious, but at the same time STROKE MY EGO AND TELL ME I'M FABULOUS.

34. Favorite holiday?: Christmas, because my family takes time to spend it together and I have lots of good, cozy memories associated with it.

35. Are you a more go-with-the-flow type of person, or do you need to have things planned meticulously?: My heart says go with the flow, my head says "PLAN OUT EVERYTHING OR ELSE YOU WILL DIE" (thanks anxiety).

36. Is there something you loved so much you wish you could forget it and experience it all over again? (A tv show, book, series–anything.): Yeah, lots of books/games. XD;; But I like to replay/reread favorite series of mine a LOT, so each time I feel like I experience it a new way.

37. What hobbies do you have?: Otome, staring at Roberto, writing fanfic/original stories, staring at Saint-Germain, reading, staring at Okita, playing piano, staring at Xander, singing.

38. If you could have a superpower, but it was only mildly useful, what ability would you want to have?: Oooh, interesting question! The ability to help soothe people or help them feel a little more optimistic. It wouldn't change their life or help their situations directly, but if they're in a bad place then even just brief reprieve from feeling shitty might help their mindset.

39. Something people are always surprised to learn about you: People sometimes have the impression that I'm all sweetness and butterflies at first but then we break out Cards Against Humanity and I rack up a ton of black cards and they go "oh wow it's always the quiet ones."

40. Something that took you way too long to figure out: That nobody "figures everything out" when they "grow up," and it’s okay to go at your own pace.

41. Worst injury you’ve had?: Sprained ankle.

42. Any morbid fascinations?: *looks at angst idea backlist* idk bro, skeletons maybe so spoopy amirite. 

43. Describe your sense of humor: Puns and terrible memes.

44. If you had to be born in another era/place, which would you choose?: If we're talking about the past, then I wouldn't choose, namely because I have some health-related issues that would be hell in past eras. If we're talking about place, I've already been born in a different country than the one I was adopted into/currently live in, so I wouldn't choose a different one either because that doesn't really matter to me.

45. Something you are irredeemably bad at: Being patient.

46. Something that sucked but you’re glad you went through: I can’t think of anything negative that I’m glad I went through; but I can be glad I got through it and can look at things more objectively so I can work on moving on.

47. Would you rather have a really godawful ugly tattoo in a place that is only slightly inconvenient to conceal with clothing (upper arm, thigh, etc.), or the coolest, most beautiful tattoo ever in the middle of your face? (Neither tattoo can be removed or concealed with makeup, and the ugly tattoo will deeply offend anyone who sees it.): A cool, beautiful tattoo on my face. If I actually got a tattoo it wouldn't be huge and super-colorful anyway, so it would be really small, probably a little star.

48. Are you more of an optimist or a pessimist?: Pessimist, but I make an effort to be optimistic when I can.

49. What would be the most flattering compliment someone could give you?: Saying they like something I've been actively working on improving, for example my writing or my singing. Those honestly make me SO HAPPY.

50. Something you feel people often misunderstand about you: Just how deeply emotional I can get about games/books. *CLENCHES FIST*

TAGGING: anyone who wants to do this! :D

[jaeminlore]

Thief Part 6 // Park Jimin

Pt. 1 Pt. 2 Pt. 3 Pt 4 Pt 5

- Part Six: Close

summary: in which prince jimin doesn’t know that his future wife is not only trying to steal from him, but is also trying to kill him.

words: 3,158

category: prince au, fantasy au

author note: better late than never amirite? anyway, things are about complicated. and a new character appears!

- destinee

-

-

Jimin woke up with his face pressed against a soft pillow and a huge headache forming. He furrowed his eyebrows as he awoke, noticing that his arm was around something.

Very carefully, he ran his hand over the surface. With startled revelation, he realized that he was feeling the smooth curves of a body. His heart sped up without knowledge.

Where was he? What had he done last night?

He had definitely gotten drunk, that could be assured thanks to the throbbing pain behind his eyebrows. But just how drunk would he have to be to take a woman to bed? He never did that. He wouldn’t. He was engaged.

Hesitant, he peaked one eye open to see who he had his arm around. A huge sigh of relief escaped him as he realized it was your waist his hand was on, and it was fully clothed.

He was fully clothed as well, he just realized, which meant that the two of you more than likely didn’t do anything.

A not-so-unfamiliar urge stirred up in Jimin’s chest. He suddenly wanted to pull you closer to him.

His mind raced as he wondered what it would feel like to have you pressed against him, trusting him enough to sleep soundly in his arms.

Without much thought, Jimin turned on his side and grabbed your waist. He pulled you close enough to him that he could feel your back against his chest and his warm breath fan his own face after bouncing off your neck.

You were still sleeping, and Jimin could feel the tenseness in your shoulders. He wondered why you were so stressed.

As if it were the most natural thing in the world, Jimin dared to press a kiss against your bare shoulder. Your skin felt warm against his lips and he liked the feeling so much he kissed you again. And again. And again.

A tired giggled escaped your lips, and Jimin’s heart fluttered at the sound. “Stop,” you mumbled. “That tickles.”

Jimin obliged, and settled instead for rubbing circles into your hip with his thumb. Finally, he pressed his face into the crook of your neck and fell asleep.

-

You awoke with a start, due to the pair of arms secured around your waist. Usually, if arms were around your waist, it meant you were being attacked, interrogated under the trope that you hadn’t really kept your side of the bargain.

You turned around (with a struggle, mind you), ready to attack your attacker. Only, you were met by Jimin’s sleeping face.

Memories from last night came to you in intervals, each one sadder than the last. All you could see now when you looked at the prince was a vulnerable and scared man, struggling to make his country a better place.

He was drunk when he told you everything. Therefore, until he remembered, it would be in your best interests to keep it a secret from him.

You relaxed a bit, your face falling into the plush pillow as you stared at the prince. His hair was long, perhaps in need of a routine cut. The pale strands brushed across his forehead in soft waves. There were worry lines on his smooth forehead, which was the sole reason for his pursed lips.

What was he dreaming about? Was he even dreaming? You wondered if he was thinking about his father, or the trouble with the kingdom.

You wanted to help him. The only way to do that was keep him alive.

You needed to go back to Krull and visit that man. You’d have to explain everything before it was too late.

With a contented sigh, you stared at the prince a few moments more, taking in every detail you could. Gently, you reached up and kissed his forehead, hoping to smooth any worry lines.

This might be something you could get used to every morning, if you ever did, say, marry the prince for real.

Your biggest problem now was how to get the people of Krull to believe that he was a good man. He was nothing like the king and didn’t plan on becoming like him any time soon.

Slowly, you pushed yourself out of Jimin’s hold and climbed out of bed. The king wasn’t there to stop you from leaving. He wasn’t there to hurt Jimin for letting you go. If there was any time to visit Krull and set things straight, it was now.

So you got dressed and left the prince alone, sleeping soundly.

-

Jimin ran out of your bedroom, nearly knocking Minah down in the process. He held her by the shoulders, a panicked look on his face, “Please tell me you know where Y/n is.”

“She’s in Krull,” Minah said calmly, struggling to keep from smiling at the absolute concern in the prince’s face. “Jeongguk took her to go finish some errands.”

“What errands?” Jimin asked. “Can I go too?”

Minah smiled, “Are you forgetting you’re still injured?”

Jimin groaned. Indeed, in all his worry of waking up alone, he had forgotten all about the wounds on his back. Now, thinking about them, he could still feel their faint sting. “Okay, but after these get cleaned can we please go to Krull to pick up my wife?”

“Your wife?” Minah rose her eyebrows and smirked. “She’s only your fiancée, Your Highness.”

The prince’s face flushed and he let out a nervous chuckle. He scratched the back of his neck and shook his head, “Ah, it was just a slip of the tongue. Don’t tell Y/n I said it.”

“I won’t.” Minah made a locking motion at the corner of her lips and threw the metaphorical key behind her shoulder. “C'mon. You can eat breakfast while I rewrap your wounds. Y/n will be back later, and you can see her then.”

Jimin obeyed grudgingly. Then, “Did Y/n eat this morning?”

“Yes. We ate together until Jeongguk finished his morning chores and was able to take her out.”

“Did you and Jeongguk hang out last night?”

“Not really.” Minah shrugged. “We did some sword fighting together, but other than that we just went to sleep early.”

Jimin sighed, “I’ll talk to my dad and see if I can fix your schedules and give you guys more free time.”

“No,” Minah protested, “don’t bring any of that up to His Majesty. It’s nothing to worry about.”

“Are you sure?”

“I’m sure.” Minah smiled at him. “Now sit down and I’ll make you breakfast.”

“Can’t I help you make it?”

Minah stopped, “I would like that, actually. Thank you.”

-

You walked into the Jung Inn after making sure Jeongguk promised to stay inside of the carriage until you returned. It wouldn’t take that long, you were sure.

He agreed, on the condition that if you weren’t out within an hour, he was allowed to come in and make sure you were safe.

You walked into the inn and made your way over to the corner where the man was always sitting. He was there, as predicted, and gave you a twisted smile when you sat down across from him.

“Have you got what we need?” He asked, anticipation clear in his voice.

“Actually, I need to speak with you about something,” you said. “I don’t think the prince is as bad as the king.”

He narrowed his eyes. It suddenly occurred to you that you didn’t know his name. At all. He had never told you. This particular moment seemed like a bad time to ask, however, so you kept your mouth shut.

“What are you trying to say? Do I need someone else to do your job?”

“No!” you protested, “I just think that, after spending time with the royal family—”

“You’re on their side?!” The man scoffed. “That’s why we shouldn’t have brought a young girl into this. You’ve fallen in love with the prince and now you want to try and become a princess, don’t you?”

“That’s not it,” you spoke through gritted teeth. “and I’m an adult capable of making logical decisions outside of my emotions, alright? I still agree with you that the king should be taken off the throne, but I’m trying to tell you that the prince would help Krull if he was on the throne.”

“So would Chanyeol.”

“Okay, look,” you said, “Jimin has told me his plans as a king, and I trust him to take care of Krull.”

“No, you trust him to take care of you. As long as you’re the queen, it won’t make a difference who is the next king. You’ll have a nice bed to sleep in either way.”

You slapped the table in exasperation and hissed, “If you think for a second that I’m going to let all those children outside starve and die while I am playing princess than you’ve got everything wrong. Now listen to me!”

“Look, kid, I don’t like the idea of killing someone so young, so I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt. I’ll take you to meet my boss, and he’ll decide if you’re telling the truth.”

“Fine,” you said. “Take me to him. What’s his name?”

“Min Yoongi.”

You stilled. The man smiled.

With a stutter, you managed to speak, “Isn’t he a dark mage?”

“Yes, is that a problem?”

“N-No,” you said, “I just didn’t know I was working for someone who deals with dark magic. That’s a bit much, isn’t it?”

“Yoongi is a respectable man. He knows what he’s doing. He recently had a vision, and through it he came up with this whole plan. If you can convince him he’s wrong, he may change his mind, otherwise, his assassins will kill the prince no matter what.”

“I’ll convince him,” you promised.

You had to. The prince’s life was in your hands.

-

You found out his name. It was Barron. You found out because Hoseok caught you two leaving, and invited himself along. Apparently, Hoseok knew the names of everyone in Krull and Eden alike, since Barron came from the latter.

Barron led you two out the back of the inn, after you convinced him not to go out front. You didn’t want Jeongguk to know anything about your motives and schemes. Even if they were for the prince now, you weren’t sure how to explain that to Jeongguk.

You and Hoseok followed Barron down a few back roads, until you came to the back of a nearby building. “Isn’t this Mr. Blu’s shoe shop?”

“Have you ever been inside?”

“No.”

“And has anyone in this town ever bought shoes?”

“I don’t think so,” you had to answer. “So it’s fake?”

“Well, not necessarily. Blu does sell shoes, but he also practices curses. Yoongi lives above him.”

You were a bit apprehensive about meeting a mage, let alone one who practiced dark magic. Perhaps he would not be as ornery as you thought. Perhaps he would be nice to you and understanding of your dilemma.

-

The shoe shop looked nothing like a shoe shop at all, but it definitely didn’t look like a dark mage would live there either. It was a comfy-looking living room, covered in thick wool blankets. There were candles on every end table, making the room a potential fire hazard. Not to mention, it smelt like a mixture of lavender and blueberries.

The smell made you inwardly groan in hunger. It had to be around lunchtime, and you hadn’t eaten anything since the toast Minah gave you that morning.

You and Hoseok followed Barron past all of that, towards a staircase half-hidden behind the wall. “Yoongi should be home. He likes to stay indoors and practice spells all the time.”

“Is he dangerous?” Hoseok dared to ask.

“Everyone is, if you want to get technical,” gruffed Barron.

You rolled your eyes, “I didn’t peg you as the sarcastic type.”

“You’ve never talked to me outside of murder plans.”

“Touché.”

Up the stairs, there was an open-concept room. As if the living room, kitchen, and bedroom were wrapped up into one. Only, there was no furniture in sight, save a single chaise made of black velvet.

Upon that chaise laid a man who looked innocent at first glance. His face was round, and small snores escaped his thin lips. His feathery black hair lay across his forehead. You could almost swear there were little bits of maroon glitter in it.

He wore a red tailcoat over a white dress shirt. His black pants were held against his waist with with red waistband. He looked like a rich patron from Eden, not a poor mage from Krull.

“Is that him?” you asked the old man.

“That’s Yoongi. Not many people can wake him up.”

Hoseok scoffed, “How hard can it be, honestly.”

He strode up to the chaise and squatted down beside the young man. Hoseok used the tactic he used when he used to wake you up as a child: he poked Yoongi’s cheek.

The mage furrowed his eyebrows and mumbled something under his breath.

Without a warning, Hoseok’s finger began to swell. It turned blue and engorged at the tip, frightening your best friend into screaming his head off. “Change it back!” he shouted at the sleeping man.

Yoongi only peaked one eye open and muttered another spell, causing Hoseok’s other four fingers to begin growing at an alarming rate as well.

You weren’t sure why Hoseok had so much courage to do what he did next, but alas, he did it anyway. He jumped on the mage and began slapping his face over and over.

Yoongi finally sat up, having grabbed both of Hoseok’s wrists. His glare scared everyone in the room, for it seemed that his irises were turned the same dark obsidian as his pupils.

Hoseok did the only thing one can do when a dark mage is holding both of your arms. He head-butted Yoongi with so much force that the mage’s eyes rolled to the back of his head and he lay there, slumped against the back of the chaise.

Hoseok’s hand returned to normal. “I can’t believe I just did that,” he moaned. “I’m dead. Actually dead. He’s going to kill me.”

“No, he won’t,” Barron consoled Hoseok with a rather rough pat on the back. “Yoongi hates being woken up. If anything, he’ll thank you for letting him sleep longer.”

-

Well, Barron was wrong, and Yoongi was absolutely not thankful that Hoseok let him “sleep” longer.

You had managed to get him to sit down, far away from Hoseok, who was cowering in the corner with his hands behind his back.

Yoongi sat on his chaise with a bag of ice pressed against his head. He glared at you, “You’re the one who was sent to kill the king and prince?”

“I was sent to steal information,” you corrected, “not to kill.”

“Whatever you want to call it, sweetie. You’re helping us kill them. Their blood will be forever on your hands.” Yoongi smirked.

“That’s why I came,” you clarified, “I believe that the prince shouldn’t be killed. The king: do whatever you want. The prince, however, isn’t against us.”

Yoongi scoffed, “I can’t believe you want to protect Jimin.”

“Prince Jimin,” you snapped. “And I promise you I was ready to kill him just as much as you were, until he told me his plans for Krull. He wants to make it equal to Eden.”

Yoongi nodded, “So you believe anything he says?”

“No. But I believe he will genuinely work to help restore Krull to a better place.”

“You can believe all you want, but I’m not gullible, nor am I naive. The prince has just as much power as the king, and he could put his plans into place now, if he really wanted to.”

“No, he can’t,” you said, “the king is a tyrant and he’ll hurt Jimin if he tries to help us.”

Yoongi stood up. “You know, a true prince would take the risk for his people. If there is no change in Krull before the wedding, I will send my assassins in to kill both of them.”

You sighed in frustration. Jimin could actually die if he tried to turn over a law that helped Krull. There was no way you were willing to put him at that risk. So what are you supposed to do?

“Please just kill the king,” you said in a panic. “Jimin will pass the laws as soon as his father is dead.”

Yoongi averted his eyes and spoke in a low voice, “Look, Y/n, I believe you. I believe that the prince is a genuinely good person who wants to help Krull. But he’s a coward. What’s gonna happen when an adversary comes looking for war against Eden, and Jimin cowards because he’s afraid? This isn’t just about Krull. We need to be under good leadership. Chanyeol has actively made visits to Krull to give out food and supplies. He has shown character that Jimin doesn’t have, alright? I wish there was a way to keep him off the throne that doesn’t involve killing, but there isn’t. If he doesn’t step up to his father, I won’t stop my orders.”

You turned your gaze down. “Yes… I suppose that’s fair, actually.”

Yoongi smiled slightly, “I hope he gains courage, for your sake.”

“Thanks,” you mumbled. You stood up and held out your hand, “Let’s go, Hobi. I want to stay with you tonight.”

You were tired and hurt. It felt like you were five years old again, aching to crawl into your mother’s arms and have her hold you. She was no longer here, so your longing switched to Hoseok.

He squeezed your hand comfortably. “I’ll return you to the castle in the morning.”

Tears escaped the corners of your lips, and you couldn’t speak for fear of letting out a sob, so you simply nodded and let him lead you out of the old shoe shop.

-

Jeongguk returned to the castle that night alone. He ran into Jimin’s room, where the prince was busy with more forms and documents.

Jimin looked up from his work and smiled, “Is Y/n back?”

“No, Your Highness,” Jeongguk breathed. “She left.”

“What?” Jimin stood up, his eyes wide with fear.

“I let her go for an hour, but it’s been all day and she didn’t return. I looked for her everywhere, Sir. She’s disappeared.”

Jimin strode across the room and picked up his coat. He wrapped it around his shoulders, “Take me to Krull.”

“I’m sorry, Sir. I should’ve stayed with her.” Jeongguk struggled to keep up with Jimin’s quick steps.

“It’s fine,” Jimin said shortly, “I told you to give her some freedom. She could be in danger, though. She’s told me before that there are dangerous men in Krull. I won’t rest until she’s found.”

“Yes, Your Highness.”

- to be continued -

[survivor-guyana]

Episode 10 - "If the votes aren't Unan1mous, I'm going to die." - Maynor

what the fuck kind of alliance votes out two of my closest allies two rounds in a row, and doesn't even tell me their concerned or trusts me with their opinion.

alyssa and jess. jsyk.

Well, being completely blindsided doesn't feel good. I just want to make sure that I'm safe moving forward, and I'm feeling very upset about how this just went over. I'm so pissed at Jess and Alyssa for not saying anything. And even Aidan. Fucking Aidan said nothing. I need to look at this situation positively, but I honestly don't know what to do right now.

I guess I need to find a way to strike against Jess/Alyssa/Devon because they are the power trio right now... I just hate doing it because I love all three of them, but if I want any chance of winning at all, I kind of need to do that.

I probably need to start by making sure I have Aidan and Dani with me. Chelsea being on the wrong side and talking with me helps, and then I need to solidify my relationship with Jones and Maynor.

Maybe with all of those combined, I have a chance.

So tonight I fucked up harder than I EVER HAVE FUCKED UP IN A GAME BEFORE (and that's saying something). I've been going through a rough patch the last week and have probably gotten a total of 15 hours of sleep since Friday???? When I was on call with Devon/Alyssa I read something out loud Jones sent me and it mentioned the whole alliance with Alyssa/Jones. I'm hoping I fucking mumbled but Alyssa understood me so DEVON KNOWS. I attempted to play it off but I DON'T know. I just don't fucking know. I'm dumb. I feel dumb.

I'm just trying to build trust with people at this point. I feel like my game fell apart fucking HARD this round. I cracked at final 10. FINAL FUCKING 10. I'm not trying to get DOWN on myself but low-key this is probably why I don't win games lmfao.

I told Alyssa about the idol so I'm hoping this is a sign of trust. I don't know how I 1000% feel about telling her but here goes nothing I guess?

I was in a pretty decent position going into this round and then....until I literally set fire to the rain and fucked shit up.

My relationship with TJ took a hit. That's not going to be good in the future. My relationship with Maynor took a hit. That's not going to be good in the future. My relationship with Chelsea is fucked (but did we ever have any type of working relationship, not really). My relationship with Devon probably took a hit because of my own stupidity. My relationship with Alyssa took a hit when I was sipping on dumb bitch juice. My relationship with Jones is still a major question mark? My relationship with JD is as stable as I am currently and that's saying SOMETHING?

THAT'S LITERALLY ALMOST EVERYONE IN THE FUCKING GAME WHO HAS SOME SORT OF ISSUE WITH ME?

Literally the only two people I didn't piss off or give reason to hate me is Dani/Aidan... and that's.... just fucking sad.

I destroyed my game and that's on me.

Time to pick up these pieces somehow and make them FIT.

Here is a Haiku about my game:

My game is a mess. I messed it up real bad. Jumping of a bridge.

okay so,,, I talked to Alyssa and Jess,,,,,,, and I understand,,,,,, like 80% where they're coming from? Jess told me she and Alyssa flipped because they didn't realize TJ and I came to them and said JD said Jess' name?? Jess went to JD and she said that Tim was the one who threw Jess' name out,,,,, and like,, they couldn't take my word for it when I said I trusted Tim, WHICH I UNDERSTAND that they didn't trust tim, but the fact that I told them how i felt and they just didn't listen to me bothers me.

like,, imagine this scenario,, would you take the testimony of someone who's in your alliance (albeit with some ulterior motives, but still in the alliance) and told their alliance (95% of) the truth,,, or someone who is never online and had been stirring up chaos and drama and was spewing shit this entire day just too keep their self safe? just answer that in the comments below thank you xoxo

so now that Alyssa and Jess know what happened on my end, and I know what happened on their end, we're both in agreement that JD has to FUCKING GO!!!! Tim was fucking robbed, i'm so espresso depresso you have no idea i'm so sad that Tim's gone. what a king,,, the creator of Jones' angels,,,,, robbedt,,,,,

we're rebranded as Tim's Angels btw jsyk <3

but ummm this fucking Unan1mous thing???? more like fucking BOOnan1mus amirite ladies hahahahahah ha h hah ah  um,,, hmm that joke sucked i'm so sorry. SO okay yeah,, Alyssa/Jess/TJ/Maynor agreed they'd vote for JD, and that they'd try to get the rest of the numbers to work for JD, BUT the problem is that if ANY ONE PERSON DOESN'T VOTE UNAN1MOUSLY,,,, they're safe. so we gotta get /everyone/ on board with this. hopefully Chelsea won't want to have like,,, revenge against Alyssa/Jess/Devon or anything sksksks

but ummmm let's hope for the best? I gotta get to school at 6:00 am and it's 2:00 am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO it's snoozeville for me. catch you on the flipside :p

I hashed things out with Devon last night because I was so pissed off about the vote, but I still have a lot of trust to rebuild. When i mentioned my name going around, Devon, Alyssa, and Jess knew that my name wasn't out there and still didn't let me in on the Tim vote. I was completely alone and had to make an alliance with the others out of desperation and tbh, i think I look like an idiot. But anyway, i think Devon and i are on good terms and I hope we can rekindle our old team that i was loyal and comfotable with since the beginning.

This might be a long one Johnny. I am so sad that Tim went home. I was shocked. I thought i was able to trust Jess, Alyssa, Devon but they all lied and now to me personally are dead to me. Like im still going to work with them until i have an opporunity to strike against them. Like Alyssa she’s great but now has to leaving sooner than later. Devon final 2 is dead, i would gladly vote you out but have to time it really well. Dani m Aidan dead even more but seems like they are worried about Alyssa Jess and Devon so might use them to take out Alyssa. But yeah last night was rough. I had this ‘thing’ happened to be that was triggered by this game and my class lab. It wasnt good. There was a dark low moment were i got a negative thought that I should just tell them to vote me out for unanimous week. My friend texted me and told me to think it thru and Im glad i didnt day anything. I still want to play and try to make it to the end. Only person i trust 100% with out a doubt is Jonesy. ❤️ Everyone else can leave. Except i also like TJ amd Jess.

I'm not sure where my vote will land tonight. If I vote JD, I lose a shield in this game. At the same time, if JD goes tonight in a 9-1, we start to build trust among those we previously blindsided.

If I make it an 8-2 or 8-1-1, then I'm worried that people will use the process of elimination to find out I flipped....

Another random note about tonight. If JD stays due to me, the next target becomes Chelsea.

Essentially, I am deciding between playing with Chelsea or JD....

Everyone is saying JD’s name like lets do this. But now everyone is afaid of an idol and i swear if the votes aren’t unanimous, im going to die.

If I get idol'd out in this format I AM FUCKING SUING.

I CAN'T GO OUT ON MY FIRST TUMBLR ORG IN A ROUND BASED ON A ZWOOPER GAME.

HOW FUCKING IRONIC WOULD THAT BE?

YOU WILL BE HEARING FROM MY LAWYER!

In all honesty I'm struggling hard this round. Idol's are so dangerous this fucking round. SO FUCKING DANGEROUS.

The mental gymnastics happening this round is insane.

I'm honestly having PTSD about this god damn format. The ONLY time I've ever cried because of a game was IN THIS FORMAT (thanks JOHNNY).

Today all I've done is try and repair relationships. I've worked harder than a hooker on a Tuesday today. I am exhausted. If I go this has been fun-ish.

I feel fuckig awful i worked too hard in this game to potentially get idoled out and that breaks my heart that that could happen tonight. apparently JD is writing down my name because she thinks i'm "Stubborn" and she wants to save me???? like if you wanna save me then like maybe don't vote for me?????? like i get the intent behind it with like,,,, the idea to save me but this is fuckin wit hme to my c ore . .Jess thinks JD's ly ing ad that she's voting for Jess, I just,,, fuck i really wanna die right noww yk i think i might be getting out there's like a 60% chance JD doensn't have an idol, and if she's comfortable enough then she wont play it. but there's a good chance I'll be going home. fukfalkdsfajsdads don't be surprised if i cry i'm just so upsetti/uncomfortable with the idea of going hope i tried too hard but um yeah

Wellp I’m really close with Aidan and so far I feel like we are doing really good. I feel bad because I lied straight to JDs face about voting jonesy. Instead I voted for her.

I'M DEFINITELY NOT CRYING OR ANYTHIGN FUCK

[derangedroyalfae]

Feb 4, 2019 12:30AM

Royal (Feb 3, 11:24 PM) I'm sorry, I'll stop focusing on this

I thought maybe looking back at the old love songs I wrote might be helpful

Jewel (11:25 PM) Did it help?

Royal (11:26 PM) not really…

I look back and almost finding myself thinking "fool"

Jewel (11:26 PM) Ah, I know that feeling

Royal (11:26 PM) it doesn't help that nearly all of them were written before we had gotten to our first anniversary

they all make it sound like we've been together for so long at that point, but it hadn't even been a year

well, aside from Down Low, but it's literally about impulsively jumping into a relationship (sexually too) and wanting to talk about it, but you have to tell yourself you shouldn't

Jewel (11:28 PM) Also, the "counting the days" thing really surprised me and reminded me of Jolly

Not saying he's as bad as Jolly or anything but that thing definitely reminded me of him

Royal (11:29 PM) in fact, Down Low even has a line where it's like "Oh shit what have I gotten into"

"Said we'd wait ~ But we took a big leap ~ And now we're sinking in way too deep"

"Feelings' in the fast lane ~ Body's in the fast lane ~ You're in the fast lane ~ Oh no ~ Here we go"

I purposely talk about the sexual components of it, because us get "frisky" is what put us in the relationship

even then I knew I was being stupid and rash

but I passed it up as something cute and made a cheesy love song from it

Jewel (11:32 PM) I still remember the exact moment you told me

If I'm honest, I was definitely surprised and a bit worried cuz it was so sudden, but I was still hopeful cuz you seemed quite happy and I really wanted you to be happy after that whole thing with those two

Royal (11:35 PM) it was because I was happy, because it was thrilling and not what I just was (depressed and neglected), that I could ignore that it was a stupid move

it's like taking a drug or over-indulging in your favorite food, you know it's bad for you but it feels so good in the moment

Jewel (11:36 PM) I understand

Royal (11:36 PM) I still feel guilty, like it counts as cheating, since it was before the breakup that we technically got together

Jewel (11:36 PM) My own relationship was quite impulsive, so I can relate to that impulse

Since I only knew him for a week

Yeah, the whole thing was a little patchy that way

Royal (11:37 PM) not that Trainwreck/Error would have fucking cared

they were going to breakup with me, but Error hadn't known that I knew, so it still felt wrong

Jewel (11:38 PM) I get you

Though their behavior in that whole thing was just weird

Royal (11:39 PM) they're cunts, plain and simple

Trainwreck especially

Jewel (11:39 PM) Oh for sure

Royal (11:40 PM) but I hadn't known it at the time, so I still feel bad that I'd do that to people who weren't bad in my eyes

it's morally gray

Jewel (11:40 PM) I really relate to that too in a bit of a different way, so I get you

Ya know, I don't actually know if I ever mentioned this, but I used to have this huge crush on one of my coworkers at my college workplace

Well nothing of course came from it, but I already liked him before I had broken up sort of. It's gray.  But mainly I felt like it was wrong for me to suddenly not feel into Jolly and just start wanting someone else.

Royal (11:44 PM) I had a crush on Nurd before my relationship ended (though I'm sure you read/remember that), but then again, I'm polyamorous, and the people who were supposed to love me weren't giving me TLC

Jewel (11:44 PM) Yeah

Royal (11:44 PM) it's normal for people to crush on others even when in a relationship, it's different when you act upon it

Jewel (11:45 PM) Though it's different if it's paired with a simultaneous feeling of losing interest in your current partner

That's what I felt bad about

Royal (11:45 PM) I acted upon it

you did not

but your point is valid

Jewel (11:46 PM) Though hey, at least I didn't tell him and then try to introduce them to try to make them be friends amirite

Royal (11:46 PM) *feels kinda called out*

Jewel (11:46 PM) Did I mention Jolly did that with a girl he "fell in love with" while he was with me

Royal (11:47 PM) oh yeah

I never forgot about that one, still think about what an asshat move that was

Jewel (11:48 PM) I was already having a shit day that day cuz my theater professor who I specifically told I wanted to be referred to by male pronouns proceeded to, after telling me to my face he would, not do that.

Royal (11:51 PM) What if I know by the end of this month that I should break up with him? Can I really keep up a charade until the semester is over, for a couple more months? Doesn't that make me as bad as Trainwreck/Error? Isn't that like leading him on?

I suppose, I should think about it like this: it depends on how I feel AT (not by) the end of the semester

Jewel (11:52 PM) Honestly, I don't think you should wait if you're sure and wait if you're not

Like don't keep waiting after you're sure and just put up an act to keep to a set time to break up

Royal (11:52 PM) you mean that I should wait if I'm not sure

Jewel (11:52 PM) Yeah

Royal (11:54 PM) the worst part is, I don't feel like I'd have anything to lose by breaking up with him, besides maybe losing him (and probably Jenna) forever [and pissing off my own family or making them say "I told you so"]

and with how I feel right now, I'm fine with losing him forever

I can live without him

but that's how I feel right now and that could be wrong

Jewel (11:56 PM) Man, I gotta say, these feelings you're describing sound so familiar to me

Including feeling like that could change

Royal (11:56 PM) he's just another human being, and he filled the role my heart wanted him to play and groomed me until I found some better place of mind

I don't need him anymore, and I feel like an awful person for saying that

Jewel (11:56 PM) But ultimately, you're gonna have to talk about this to him honestly, for both of your sake

Regardless of how things change, do you really see things going back to how they were at your highest point of happiness with him? If not, then that's a big thing to consider. Not saying you should make the decision now. But yeah.

Royal (11:58 PM) I'm NOT deciding now

and I suppose, when I added to my post about "I won’t break up with him until after the current semester is finished, not unless things get way too hectic"

I suppose by "hectic" I mean if I really feel like it's wrong and a terrible thing of me to make him stay

Jewel (11:59 PM) I suppose I was unsure cuz at least the way the post looks to me now (don't know if you changed it), it says "I will" at the end

Royal (Feb 4, 12:00 AM) "I’m not saying it’s official, but here is what my plan is should it be"

NOT saying it’s official and SHOULD it be

meaning, this is a hypothetical situation

Jewel (12:00 AM) Oh

My mind did not compute "is should it be" properly but I get it better now

Also my words about "not saying you should make the decision now" was mainly clarifying my own intent so it didn't come off wrong

Royal (12:02 AM) I can live with him seeing me as a terrible person, because I feel like one

Jewel (12:03 AM) Like I don't want any of my words to sound like pushing you one way or other because obviously this is ultimately your decision

Royal (12:03 AM) I know, you guys have all been good about that

I've literally been depressed about this all weekend, starting Thursday afternoon

Jewel (12:04 AM) :(. I'm sorry.

I get you

Royal (12:04 AM) I wrote that song and it just became so real

I was actually able to put it into words

and then I found more words for it

it just spilled over

and it's not the first time I've felt this way, you remember last time

Jewel (12:06 AM) This is gonna sound odd maybe, but how possible is it to sometime, talk about it with him without the intention of breaking up or not breaking up?

Not now, but well, any time ever

Royal (12:06 AM) that has been a thought

the idea of talking to him

singing the song, not necessarily as a breakup song as it wasn't intended to be that

the song wasn't indicating that I should breakup, it was never what it meant to be when I began writing it

Jewel (12:07 AM) It didn't come off as such either

It came off as more, trying to understand why things are the way they are and expressing that

Royal (12:08 AM) I'm honestly feeling like I don't want him in my life right now, that our desires aren't lining up either

I keep trying to snap myself out of that, like I feel like I'm sabotaging myself

Jewel (12:09 AM) Probably some space is necessary at this point too

Royal (12:10 AM) I feel like I'm turning this into a self-fulfilling prophecy

Jewel (12:10 AM) Since he lives there and all, and you're around each other so much when you're having these thoughts

Royal (12:10 AM) it's not even a matter of needing space, I avoid him already

I'm not here on the weekends and I'm either at school or he's at work

and when we are both home, it's not like I actively try to hang out with him, I almost never do nowadays

Jewel (12:11 AM) Do you feel like his desire to spend time with you is unchanged?

Royal (12:12 AM) he loves me, he's never stopped wanting to be around me

it's not about his feelings toward me, though

he always asks, he always tries

he's understandingly frustrated, as his special other, I should want to spend time with him

Jewel (12:15 AM) Ah, yeah

Royal (12:16 AM) I don't think he understands why, I think he just sees me as being selfish and/or insensitive (which is true as well)

hence why he calls me out on it

but he doesn't recognize it as me falling out of love with him

Jewel (12:18 AM) Though, he's never like, actually tried to talk about then, right?

Like a proper talk

Royal (12:18 AM) as to why I don't hang out like we used to?

Jewel (12:18 AM) Or that he would like you to or anything of that sort

Royal (12:19 AM) he's kind of oblivious and stressed and overworked and constantly tired at the moment

the best I'll get on this specific topic is a snide comment like "of course" or him simply pointing it out, but not actually asking about it or trying to converse about it

Jewel (12:20 AM) It makes me wonder if somewhere he's afraid of what he might hear if he does

Royal (12:21 AM) he almost never sits me down to talk about things, I'm the one who usually does that

Jewel (12:21 AM) Ah, yeah

It might just be that he's 100% oblivious as well

Royal (12:22 AM) I'm the one who has instigated everything in our relationship

dating, sex, marriage, arguments

more or less

by arguments, I mean when I have a problem and I try to talk about it, but I feel like nothing comes of it

the sassy brick wall situation

I know I'm terribly flawed, and sometimes what he says is true, but it never feels like he hears me

like really hears me, what I'm trying to say and why it bothers me

he's a really good person, and I've fed off that all of this time, like the happiness-sucking vampire I am

I am SO not feeling up to going to school, but alas, I must. I know better than to fall into that dangerous loop. I told myself that this year/semester I would do my best to avoid my bad habits. Hell, I got my paper due today (well…yesterday as it’s after midnight) turned in on time. So go to school, you sack of shit.

I wish I had a therapist again right now. That I present them with all of this and they helped me decide on what to do. I know that they can’t tell me what to do, but they would have a lot less bias than the people I keep turning to.

Last night, I had said to my girlfriends that it was a bad sign that I was telling them and not him of these feelings. Hell, I hadn’t even told him of what happened last time, and that JUST dawned on me.

[bebe-benzenheimer]

whoa hey holy heck hannah, I managed to scribble out a companion piece to that dalkenzkie!mpreg request from last like year holy hell where does the time fly. In all honesty I had been keeping this in my head as just something to giggle at, but with the purity brigade pounding their chests at everything being ~problematic~ I suppose spitefic is the best fic, amIrite? and yeah, also something cute to read. so, Happy Eve and be ready to drown in fluff :3

***

MacKenzie was exhausted, but sleep was impossible. Even if the building was supposed to have a quiet atmosphere, there were too many noises around for his liking- footfalls in the hallways, doctors being paged over speakers, distant moans of others in pain, and the incessant beeping of the monitor beside him.

This was a complete turnaround from how his day started. He and Dalton had woken up in each other's arms as usual after falling asleep from their oh-so-gentle lovemaking the night before, and Dalton had left soon after as he was taking an earlier shift so he could take MacKenzie out for dinner tonight. Mack had been fine during his typical morning routine, but after lunch as he was about to take his afternoon walk, he was struck with a queasiness and tiredness he didn't think possible. Like, run over by a freight train, stuffed in a trunk, and chopped into pieces queasy and tired. One phone call to his doctor later and next thing he knew a car had picked him up to take him here. Mack was certain there'd been a flurry of tests and what-not in between his arrival and being stuck in this bed, but he was too tired to register it all.

He didn't have to guess Dalton had been notified by now, but he had an idea he wasn't going home just yet. Being in a bed instead of one of the comfortable medical recliners signaled this would be an overnighter. There went tonight's nice plans, ruined by his fickle system. MacKenzie sighed and laid his hands over his blanketed waist, where thankfully movement still registered underneath.

The past few months had been a whirlwind, but unlike today's flurry he'd actually enjoyed it. He couldn't believe he'd been so nervous about telling Dalton he was pregnant, because the young man turned out to be the best baby-daddy anyone could ask for. He'd take extra shifts to have more money on hand, come with MacKenzie to every possible doctor appointment, massage his aching muscles, and overall just be sweet and attentive and loving. Many people didn't like being fussed over while pregnant, especially guys, but Mack was an exception. He knew he was loved and wanted to feel the attention.

It wasn't just Dalton who'd been joyful. After their respective parents had gotten past the initial shock they were going to be grandparents at an earlier age than expected, they'd helped out by providing most of the furniture for the baby's room, including a rocking chair that had been in MacKenzie's family for ages. Many a time he'd sit in there gently rocking with his hands on his belly and daydreaming about his little one, and soon he'd see that Dalton was watching him from the doorway and smiling in love. Oh, he wanted to be in that chair right now... "I'm sorry, baby," MacKenzie whispered to his child and burrowed his cheek in the pillow.

After another long moment of just laying in dull exhaustion, he heard a rapid squeak of shoes down the hallway. Doctors weren't supposed to be running, so it was probably someone rushing to their loved one...must be a very special loved one-

Into the doorway bolted a panting, slender young man in the familiar music shop uniform of a red polo shirt and blue jeans, customized with checkered sneakers and innumerable wristbands and the dog-tags that swayed and clicked together. MacKenzie was grateful he could feel his heart soar, because the rest of him was too tired to move.

"Mack-" Dalton heaved a breath and dashed to the bedside. Soon MacKenzie was wrapped in a familiar hold, one arm cuddled around his shoulders and other hand on his stomach. Nobody could say that Dalton didn't care about his family, and at that thought Mack had to close his eyes to keep them from spilling over.

"I'm okay, Daddy," he said in the low and gentle voice he used to talk for the baby during the quiet nights when they were snuggled together on the couch- usually with some cheesy TV movie playing half-forgotten in the background, baby catalogs and parenting books scattered about, and Dalton's hands lovingly splayed on his waist to feel for kicks or coo the most adorable gibberish ever that betrayed the soft side behind his punk exterior. And of course MacKenzie was too in love to not play along.

But was everything really okay? He failed at not shuddering in the embrace.

"Ah, there you are," a woman's voice spoke from the doorway and the couple turned their attention. MacKenzie vaguely felt that he recognized the doctor stepping in, because in his hazy state he'd wondered how someone with such silver hair had such a young-looking face- and that'd probably been his last coherent thought before the flurry of tests. "Dr. Cavanaugh, Mr. Rapattoni. I attended to your partner when he came in," she extended a hand.

"Thank you." Dalton took the hand long enough for a basic shake and went right back to holding MacKenzie. Thank goodness he didn't feel smothered, but their own bed would've been a lot more comfortable...

Dr. Cavanaugh sat and opened the folder she'd been carrying. "How are you feeling, Mr. Bourg?"

"Still tired," he muttered.

"Well, I'll get right to the point on why that is. Your labs revealed below-average hemoglobin and ferritin levels, indicative of irony-deficiency anemia. It's more common in female pregnancies, but men with thin frames such as yours can also be at risk."

She might as well have told MacKenzie he'd failed at looking after his baby. He heaved a deep sigh to hold back the sob threatening to build. Still his voice shook when he protested, "I've been gaining weight, I swear." Yeah, his stomach did look a bit smaller than someone at this stage was supposed to be, but the weight he had gained had decided to fill out the rest of his thinness first.

"Mack, shh, babe, it's okay," Dalton murmured and caressed over the bump.

"I empathize with your frustration, Mr. Bourg, but at least we've caught this early enough we can improve matters before your surgery. A minor diet adjustment and iron supplementation prescription..." Scribble scribble in Dr. Cavanaugh's folder. "How is your exercise level?"

MacKenzie sighed and untangled his arms from Dalton's embrace; not that he wasn't enjoying the hug but he felt his hair sweat-plastered to his forehead and wanted to sweep it away. "Oh, I'll just...pop in my earphones and walk around the neighborhood after lunch...that's what I was going to do before I felt like this." Needless to say that was something else he'd rather be doing at this moment, being content in the sunshine and with beautiful tunes in his ears. No worries, no insecurities, not even the odd stare from the more old-fashioned people in the neighborhood bothered him.

Dr. Cavanaugh nodded and scribbled some more. "Mr. Rapattoni, if you could just come with me for a moment-"

"What?-" The sweat on Mack's skin instantly chilled, he had to be left alone in here again-

Dalton cupped his face and kissed the bridge of his nose, a favorite spot to get kisses on. "I'll be right back, babe, I promise," he whispered. MacKenzie looked deep into those glass-green eyes, his mind knowing Dalton was telling the truth but his nerves saying otherwise. Dalton squeezed his hand and he and Dr. Cavanaugh left the room, leaving Mack alone with the baby and his thoughts.

He sat slightly straighter up in bed and curled his hands back on his stomach. Still moving. Don't be mad at me, baby.

Anemia. Of all the things. Granted, it could've been a lot worse- and that's all Mack was going to think about that, lest he stir up any rotten luck- but he'd been so careful up to this point. Save for all those moments of being tired. They hadn't been their worst until today, but he would get the occasional bouts on other days. But that happened to everyone, why did he have to be the one to get the worst of the deal? MacKenzie huffed, even if it didn't do anything good.

Why can't I just go home? I'll be good, I promise. He turned his head on the pillow, even it wasn't as soft as the pillows at home.

The minutes crawled by, even without a clock in sight. What was taking them so long? Was there something else wrong with him that Dr. Cavanaugh didn't want to say to his face? Was Dalton venting about how much he had to fuss over his pregnant boyfriend and this was just the icing on the cake, couldn't these nine months be over with already?

Mack sniffed. No, Dalton wouldn't think that. He loves me. He wants this baby, too. He sniffed again, cursed his haywire emotions, and grudgingly burrowed into the bedding.

After another slow crawl of time, he finally heard a gentle knocking on the doorframe. "Mack? Y'awake?"

He shifted his gaze to see that Dalton had indeed returned, a water jug and glass in his hands and what looked like a stack of magazines tucked under an arm.

"The waiting room just had a bunch of old New Yorkers, so I hopped down to the gift shop to get you somethin' to read."

MacKenzie smiled his gratitude while mentally chastising himself. See? See how silly you're being? Dalton isn't abandoning you, he's being as doting as ever. You got anemia of the brain, mister. The young man approached the bed and Mack decided to make himself useful by reaching for the magazines while the water was poured. The recent Rolling Stone, Sports Illustrated, and a thick Entertainment Weekly purportedly ranking the best comedy flicks greeted him. Yep, Dalton knew his tastes well.

"What did Dr. Cavanaugh have to tell you?" he dared to ask as he accepted the water glass, a coolness in his hands that was a sharp relief from the hospital atmosphere.

Dalton shook his head. "It's just signing the usual overnight forms and telling me about the supplements and that you gotta take. She'll give you more of a run-down in the morning."

Okay. Neither he or the baby were in danger anymore. Okay. He could relax. Okay. Okay. MacKenzie took a long drink from the glass, cool like the sweet tea he occasionally craved but clearer and sharper upon his tongue, the path it traveled down his throat extinguishing the ashes of anxiety simmering inside him. He focused an eye away from the glass to note Dalton watching him intently. There was nothing in the expression to indicate frustration or resigned defeat. Dalton still wanted to be here for him. Okay. Okay.

MacKenzie handed the glass back when he was done and folded his hands on his waist to keep feeling for movement. Wow, Daddy, that's cold, you woke me up.

"So, how was your day before my body decided to crap out on me?"

The smile he'd fallen in love with popped back on Dalton's face; he loved talking about all the different people that came into the shop. "Sold a drum kit, a keyboard, eight months of guitar lessons, some picks, and a load of vinyl. At this rate I'll definitely have a pay raise before the baby's here." His hands joined Mack's on the blanket, fingers loosely intertwined.

MacKenzie was so lost in his own sense of guilt he couldn't even think about how nice those large hands felt on him as usual. Fat good a raise'll do with me holed up in here-

"This isn't gonna set us back, babe," Dalton interrupted. "Our insurance is good, trust me."

MacKenzie felt a faltering smile. "Are my thoughts that obvious?"

"You think after living together a couple years I wouldn't know what you're thinking?"

The young man gave a quiet "hmm" and leaned back. He set the magazines to the side and partially shut his eyes so he could still see Dalton smiling at him. He was so grateful...so lucky...

Dalton scooted his chair closer and gently rest his head on the blanket. "Not leavin' you two," he murmured and MacKenzie knew he was telling the truth. He laid a hand on his lover's hair to stroke it just like last night. "Mmm..."

Not the most ideal setting, but at least he could relax for now until dinner. He kept his loving gaze and let his thoughts wander about, thoughts of the past and present and future. Concentrate hard enough and he could pretend he heard their little one giggling in bliss that Daddies were here and happy.

Dalton slowly traced a spiral pattern on the blanket covering MacKenzie's waist with a fingertip, and ooh, did that ever feel nice. Mack had felt his sensitivities heighten around the third month, which was supposed to be for protection so you'd be more aware of what was happening around you, but since he hadn't felt in danger up until today, for him heightened senses just meant a whole new world of pleasure. Dalton's gentle hands on his body or lips on his skin or words in his ear, even when they were innocent, bathed him in warm bliss. And yeah, it was a relief to know his weight gain hadn't been a turn-off. Right now Mack gave a soft gurgle of approval and lightly scritched the back of the young man's neck.

Dalton lowly chuckled, and he could feel that on his skin as well. "Gonna hafta take it easy for a bit when we get home," his tone was laced with playful regret.

Mack shrugged. "You holding me is enough."

Dalton sat up, and MacKenzie saw his gaze flickering up and down like inspecting him.

"You really mean it." And there was nothing questioning or accusatory in his voice at all, just breathless love.

Mack nodded, and immediately he was within the wraps of a loving embrace once more. Dalton's arms were home no matter where he was.

"Mmm..." Dalton drew away eventually after a final tender squeeze to his hug and kiss on Mack's cheek. "Y'know, about the restaurant...it wasn't just for a night out. I was thinking of a nice setting for..." He trailed off and his gaze shifted to the side.

MacKenzie sat up, confusion awashing his face. "Setting?" He knew it wasn't an anniversary or either of their birthdays, so what in the world?-

Dalton dug into his pocket. "Been havin' to carry this back an' forth from work 'cause I know you like wandering around in everything when you're bored," he said and passed MacKenzie a small blue box.

Mack suddenly felt a hazy, confusing sensation like being underwater for no reason. He ran fingers over the box's texture while looking at Dalton expectantly. The younger man's expression didn't change.

He lifted the lid. He doubted the ring was a solid ivory, probably just plated, but it gleamed a brilliant white with some iridescent lines catching from the lights. It was odd to see in this moment, and yet one of the most beautiful things he had ever seen.

"I love you, Mack," Dalton's voice sounded far away. "I've been wanting to build a life with you for a long time. Heck, even the first afternoon when you were in the shop because your boss sent you down to get speakers and you were so shy talking to me, I knew there was something special about you."

Oh, how MacKenzie remembered that afternoon well... He picked up the ring and tilted it back and forth to watch different color threads dance about on the surface. Not putting it on just yet, though. Of course he knew Dalton loved him and he loved the young man back, but decisions had to be made for the right reason.

"This isn't about making an honest man out of me, is it?" was his half-teasing question.

Fortunately Dalton smiled as he shook his head and waved a nonchalant hand. "Nah, it wouldn't matter if we got married after the baby's here. Though I gotta admit, all this has really made me grow up in the past months."

He wasn't the only one. MacKenzie laid a hand on his waist and felt the gentle rumbling as Dalton kept talking.

"But the bottom line is, I love you. We get each other, we accept each other, we care about each other. I wanna make sure you stay happy and loved and-" The young man cupped hands over his nose and mouth like muffling a sob, but the only sound to escape was a gentle sigh. "Dammit, I had the perfect speech all ready for the restaurant an' here I am tripping over my tongue."

Not that MacKenzie cared. Even if he did have a minor soft spot for the pomp of ceremony and a restaurant proposal right out of a movie would've had him in a cloud of dopey bliss, somehow right now just felt more...sincere, more real. Dalton was speaking from his heart and not a script, and he meant every delightfully fumbled word. "The thought that counts, babe." Mack took off his glasses to rub away what was either a sweatdrop or a joyful tear and felt a genuine smile.

"So is that a yes?" Dalton's smile was small now, but still happy and beautiful.

"You bet." All the same, MacKenzie set the ring back in the box and within Dalton's reach; the young man still deserved to do something traditional in this moment.

He took the hint and held MacKenzie's hand in a gentle grip, plucked the ring back out from the box and slid it onto the correct finger. Mack watched this ritual in fascination and love, his mind a tumble of thoughts on how mesmerizing the colors were even under these harsh hospital lights, how the band fit perfectly on him, whether the baby would have his or Dalton's hands, and oh god how he was so in love...

He tilted his hand left to right once the ring was on and Dalton cuddled close again. "I love you," the young man murmured into his neck and kissed his jawline.

MacKenzie felt the same warmth from within he figured would've happened if Dalton had said and done this in a more comfortable setting. Maybe that showed they were really meant for each other. "Love you." He set the ringed hand flat on his waist, happy at the tumble of movement within, and stroked where he could reach on Dalton's arm. Dalton. His fiance. God, that felt good to think about. "Jus' one little request 'bout the wedding..."

"Anything," Dalton curled into the strokes like a content housepet.

"Can it just be simple, like, with our families? We could do the big party later with our friends..." Mack trailed off; he just knew- call it a premonition- that he was really going to have his hands full with this little one even if he wanted and loved it so much, and trying to handle a full-sized ceremony and reception in one day even if it'd be after he was all healed from the surgery would be supremely anxiety inducing. Not that Dalton wouldn't be by his side, but nevertheless, looking after a child and keeping his own health intact on top of it...

Fortunately Dalton nodded. "Of course." Hands linked and he kissed MacKenzie's temple. "I'm so lucky to still have you."

"Not goin' anywhere." Not on his life or the baby's. He shut his eyes and concentrated on the soft blanket, the gentle roughness of Dalton's skin, their quiet breathing, heartbeats yet to be broken, little wriggles from their sweet angel, and squeaks down the halls of dinner carts being rolled into rooms. Even if these were less than perfect circumstances, MacKenzie felt optimism they'd work through it just like they worked through everything else, together. He could stay wrapped in the warmth of the family he loved for just a moment longer.

[yes-dal456]

47 Tweets From Parents That Sum Up The Nightmare Of Lice Outbreaks

There is perhaps nothing more fear-inducing for parents than receiving the dreaded “LICE” note from their kid’s school.

These notorious outbreaks have the power to make even the most level-headed parents want to burn all of their belongings and shave every family member’s head. Many moms and dads vent about their head lice anxieties on Twitter, and some manage to find humor in the bleakness.

We’ve rounded up 47 tweets about the nightmare that is a lice outbreak. Try not to scratch your head while reading.

Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.

— Wonder Kitten (@Tw1tter_K1tten) December 31, 2014

One daughter has lice. While my kids slept, I filled 15 garbage bags with stuffed animals and hid them in the attic Your move, the Grinch.

— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) July 20, 2016

Lice are proof that God doesn't think having small children is it's own punishment.

— Lea Grover (@bcmgsupermommy) October 9, 2014

*standing in front of smoldering remains of my house* Fireman: what happened, ma'am? Me: there's a head lice outbreak at my kid's school.

— JuneBug (@jenyb4) January 13, 2016

Parenting tip: If your kid ever gets lice, make sure you send them to the local orphanage with the best YELP reviews.

— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) September 30, 2015

When considering the price of fighting a case of child head lice, don't forget to factor in the cost of the wine you need to get through it.

— Mike Reynolds (@EverydayGirlDad) November 1, 2016

My daughter is so generous. She shared her head lice with me so now we can both be alienated by our family.

— Ponies and Martinis (@PonyMartini) June 6, 2016

Lice? Lice lice. Lice lice lice? Liiiiiice. - what English sounds like after I get a note from the school saying there's lice in the class

— Sarah del Rio (@est1975blog) September 14, 2016

I know I've taught my daughter well bc I overheard her saying, "My Barbie can't share her crown with you because she doesn't want lice."

— Stella G. Maddox (@StellaGMaddox) April 23, 2015

Parenting tip: Never have kids. They might get lice.

— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) March 9, 2017

It only took my wife mentioning "lice" once for this whole Burger King play place to clear out.

— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) January 25, 2015

The only one I hate more than this is "The Game of Lice" #RealMomTruths @Luvs http://pic.twitter.com/eJ65Q7rgdm

— Susan McLean (@NoDomesticDiva) May 4, 2015

Four out of five moms agree that lice will give you a nervous breakdown. And even the fifth mom is just pretending to hold it together.

— Kelcey Kintner (@mamabirddiaries) April 26, 2016

One of my son's T-ball teammates has lice & the kids have been sharing helmets. Good news is we're changing team name to The Bad News Hairs.

— Dude of the House (@DudeOfTheHouse) April 23, 2015

2am and I'm sneaking around my house with a headlamp on giving my sleeping children lice checks. You know just another normal Sat morning.

— carly kimmel (@carlykimmel) February 1, 2014

Relationship status: Bribing my husband with sexual favors in exchange for applying Anna's final lice treatment.

— Brenna Jennings (@SuburbanSnaps) November 1, 2014

The family that removes lice together, stays together. Mostly because no one else wants them.

— BadParentingMoments (@BPMbadassmama) September 26, 2015

Is it normal for a grown man to cry after getting the first head lice awareness letter from school?

— Dad or Alive (@dad_or_alive) January 13, 2016

Calling a class Christmas party a "holiday fair" is wrong. We're too easily offended to call it what it REALLY is: Lice Roulette with Punch.

— Brenna Jennings (@SuburbanSnaps) December 22, 2015

Sorry I started singing "lice lice baby" when you told me about your kid's nits but come on, that's fuckin funny.

— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) February 18, 2017

Lice really prefer clean hair. --what I tell myself every night when I let my kids skip washing their hair.

— Resist! SWT (@SWilderTaylor) September 19, 2015

Just when you think 2016 couldn't get any worse, the preschool sends out a lice warning. *dives head first into the dumpster fire*

— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) November 8, 2016

In over 11 years of parenthood we've never yet had lice. *knocks on wood, throws salt over shoulder, offers firstborn to lice gods*

— Missy (@MamaFizzles) February 10, 2017

My type A, clean freak, hypochondriac wife just found lice in our daughter's hair so now I must start a new life.

— The Glad Stork (@TheGladStork) December 20, 2016

None of the pregnancy books warn you how much of the next 15 years you'll waste worrying that you have lice or a possible stomach bug.

— Ana Gasteyer (@AnaGasteyer) April 27, 2016

Taking your kid to get a haircut at a children's barbershop is like using a dirty needle, except lice is 100 times worse than hepatitis.

— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) September 3, 2016

I never thought I could love dandruff as much as I do each and every time it isn't lice.

— Brenna Jennings (@SuburbanSnaps) April 22, 2013

Gotta love the lice letter from school... in other news now I can't stop itching my head.

— Jen Good (@buriedwithkids) November 11, 2016

In an ideal world chlorine would kill lice, amirite

— Christina Anderson (@Xtina_Anderson) September 4, 2016

Me: I need a break from the election. It would be nice to focus on something else. Life: Your preschool has lice! Me: Dammit.

— Lea Grover (@bcmgsupermommy) October 14, 2016

"Biggest asshole" is quite an insult. Now consider lice, the smallest assholes. Those smallest assholes are the biggest assholes I know.

— Nicole Leigh Shaw (@NicoleLeighShaw) July 15, 2015

THERE IS HEAD LICE IN THE EIGHTH GRADE! REPEAT: THERE IS HEAD LICE IN THE EIGHTH GRADE!

— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) November 11, 2014

Oh just scrolling through a story on super-strains of lice with one hand and shaving all of our family's hair off with the other.

— Mike Reynolds (@EverydayGirlDad) August 18, 2015

There really needs to be a super-sympathetic "I'm sorry your kid has lice." emoji. Someone? Please?

— Julie Maida (@NextLifeNOKids) February 26, 2015

Introvert Pro Tip: You'd be amazed at how many commitments you can get out of for the week when you get lice from your kids.

— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) July 20, 2016

Boys, I will always be there for you...that is unless you have lice. Then it's feed yourself and find your own damn way to school.

— Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) May 22, 2013

Nightmares as a child: monsters Nightmares as a parent: lice

— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) October 4, 2015

... And it's official: Lice outbreak at school. Homeschoolers, you're looking smarter every damn year.

— Scary Mommy (@ScaryMommy) September 11, 2013

One thing they don't tell you before you become a parent is just how much you will learn about lice. I have a Ph. Delouse.

— Shawn (@BackpackingDad) June 22, 2013

So I put the lice repel stuff in the kids' hair. The only problem is *I* don't want to be around them either, now.

— Jennifer Mendelsohn (@CleverTitleTK) December 13, 2011

School sent a note home with my 5yo that someone had lice in his class. In unrelated news I broke out in hives & burned all our belongings.

— Jennifer Lizza (@outsmartedmommy) November 5, 2013

I don't know why my place isn't moving on air bnb when the description repeatedly emphasizes that it's lice-free.

— Ana Gasteyer (@AnaGasteyer) January 12, 2015

Mice outbreak at my school! Wait, hold on, typo. Lice outbreak at my school! Lice. Actually wishing now it was mice.

— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) January 16, 2013

My kid was attacked by lice. The resulting casualties include hundreds of dead bugs, one confiscated Santa hat & four murdered friendships.

— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) December 19, 2012

Nothing like a "Confirmed Case of Head Lice At School" email to make me wish I'd gotten a dog instead.

— Karri-Leigh (@karri_leigh) January 18, 2016

It's hat day at school. I'll expect the lice out break letters in about 3 days.

— Jen Good (@buriedwithkids) September 29, 2014

Every time my head itches I think, "well this is it, this is how I die" bc if the lice have finally come for me I'm lighting myself on fire.

— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) April 16, 2016

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