#somehow i’ve only been sick for four days it feels like it’s been a week at least

[limewatt]

being sick reminds me of them….. (my ocs)

[martyfive]

i lay in bed sick for two weeks straight. first there’s body temperature i never knew was possible for a human to have, then there are coughs that feel like they may be the last ones i could ever have in my life, then there’s weakness, then my five year old phone falls down from the bed ending up completely broken, then the bed sheets become something i couldn’t bear to see anymore. then i get up, go outside and unexpectedly find myself at the offer of a somewhat steady part job at this small italian restaurant we’ve been visiting every sunday sharp for the last year and a half except for these two weeks i spent lying sick in bed. we are leaving the bar for the night when R. asks me if i’d like to help her at the bar a couple hours a week.

“i have no experience or anything,” i say, feeling extremely daft. “i’m not even sure i can talk to people properly. i never really could.”

“it’s okay,” she says. “you’ll be polishing the glasses. it’s not hard. i’ll teach you everything.”

on our way home A. says, “it could be good for you, you know. being among people and trying something new,” and i feel like he’s right.

at this point this small restaurant already feels like another home i want to belong to. going there every sunday for so long totally helped with that. they have one of my works i gave them as a present for christmas on the wall. it hangs up above the table me and A. occupied the first time we ever came to eat there. the frame contains pages from a sketchbook i used to draw in while visiting italy five years ago. it feels too personal, but also somehow on it’s place. i hate to hoard the stuff i create. i want to be bolder.

regretting my life choices, i spend all what’s left from my last year’s salary on a new phone. it’s a first phone i bought without anyone’s help. it costs more than i deserve.

i can’t find any will to start drawing again after being sick for two weeks.

a couple days later i go to the restaurant to ask R. about the time i can get to work. she says, “this thursday, 6:30 pm,” and then adds, tugging on my star wars hoodie, “and put on a black shirt, if you have one”.

so i find one that looks like A. has been wearing it during his teenage years when he looked more like a stick than a human and i go for the job that for the first time in my life has nothing to do with any kind of art except the art of making cocktails i still keep messing up. a couple hours a week somehow soon turns into ten as normally as “polishing glasses” turns into “doing everything there is possible to do as quickly as possible”.

“would you like to do thirty hours a week?” R. asks one day looking hopeful as if i hadn’t broken ten of their glasses in the first five days of work.

“my back is gonna die sooner than you expect it to if i agree to that,” i answer. and it really is the only reason i don’t say yes.

i soon notice there is no time to think of anything else except the work to be done while i am behind the bar once again forgetting the difference between prosecco and chardonnay or picking the ice from the ice machine or freezing in the giant fridge while looking for the specific crate of beer everyone in this town drinks more often than water. the countless amount of crates are brought from and to the back room. the ten glasses are crushed, four of them in my own hands just from squeezing too hard on them. i cringe about every single one of them before falling asleep after coming home around midnight with my aching back and more money than i ever earned drawing pictures. i think about that one time my friend told me that once you start working in catering, there’s no way back. i haven’t talked to her in a while and i can’t ask her if she still thinks it’s true.

i still can’t draw. i guess it will pass. i still cough although i’m trying not to be loud when i’m behind the bar.

“you smoke?” R. asks. “i do. i just don’t have time.”

“i’ve been smoking since i was sixteen. but not anymore really,” i say to that. “when my mother calls me, then i smoke. but that doesn’t happen very often.”

M. laughs at that as if he understands what i’m talking about and says, “with this job, i either smoke a cigarette or kill somebody,” and i laugh with him.

M. is the chef and the restaurant is named after him. he cooks so good there is surely nothing better i’ve ever eaten in my entire life. i hear all about it from guests while picking the dishes from the tables, smiling and pretending my hands are not shaking. he and R. speak to each other in loud italian and i like how they sound even if i only understand a couple words from their dialogues.

“what’s allora?” i ask one time.

R. looks at me like i’m the only one who ever asked her a silly question like that, “huh,” she says, “i don’t know. it’s like here we go or something like that,” and she smiles.

i like talking to her. for some reason i like asking her questions and seeing the surprise on her face. she’s five years older than me but i feel like a child around her. she also has her birthday in november.

“all my family are scorpions,” she says after revealing the fact that there’s ten days between our birthdays. she names at least ten of the members of her family and all their november birthday dates in a row.

i say, “the parties must be hilarious when you all gather together.”

more often i feel like she’s my serious boss i keep disappointing with my every move but at the end of the shifts she turns into what feels more like a friend. i secretly hope i can be her friend one day even though it seems like she knows the name of every human being in this town and even some other nearby towns and doesn’t really need any more friends than she already has. but after all, i’m a part of this town now, too.

“what is your favourite thing to do here here at the bar?” i ask the other day.

she looks puzzled for a second, “maybe serving fish,” she says and this time it’s my turn to feel surprised. i saw how it’s done, and i don’t really know what she means.

“i thought it’s talking to people or something,” i say.

“nah,” she waves her hand, “it’s just my job, you know.”

i regret entering this territory but i still ask, “would you better like to do something else? some other job?”

“nah,” she says again, smiling, “i like it.”

and i like it too. horrifyingly, i like it too much. thinking about sitting at home and drawing stuff like i used to do all my life feels like a torture. it surely is one when i pick up my tablet and pencil and stare at the white canvas not knowing who i am anymore. there is nothing in my head i want to say. there is nothing my hands can do. i have no idea why. i want to go back behind the bar and ask R. what her favourite colour is.

“i’m proud of you,” A. says one night while we’re going back home from the restaurant where he got his two beers and one glass of whiskey i poured for him myself. he spent two hours sitting at the bar not far from these three teenage boys who have been drinking an enormous amount of beer and playing cards and then trying to guess where i come from according to my accent. “i’m proud that you’re doing good and you found something that you like so much.”

i buy two black shirts and jeans. i take my old black coat out of the wardrobe. i walk for two minutes from home to the bar and back looking fancier than ever. i feel happier than ever. i don’t look at my social media. i feel like this rotten sadness and loneliness that occupied my head for so long has nothing to do with my life now. i wonder if it’s just a phase. i consider finding a new therapist just to ask them if it’s okay to feel this good or i should be medicated before it’s too late. i want to go to bed at proper hour, wake up earlier, spend the day feeling good and then go to the bar and ask R. stupid questions and be stressed about the things i can control. i look at my workplace at home, at the white canvas that reflects nothingness in my head, at everything i have ever known, and i don’t know what to do.

i go back to work.

“you like it here?” M. asks almost every time. “is everything okay?”

“everything’s okay,” i say, smiling. and i mean it.

someone’s ordering an espresso at 11 pm. R. says, “tell them the coffee machine is already off,” turning it off while saying it. i laugh. i feel happy. i go home knowing there’s gonna be more work to be done tomorrow. i miss drawing stuff. i have nothing to say. i fall asleep thinking of the ten glasses i broke. in the morning, i can’t draw. i used to draw most of my stuff at the evenings and during the nights. now they are full of beer glasses and beer crates and adhd people who want an espresso before bed.

i ask myself if that really is how growing up feels like. i ask myself what i am going to do if i will not be able to draw a single piece of art ever again. i read the email of the person who wants me to draw an artwork for them. i wonder if they should know i’m an imposter who can’t draw anymore. i tell myself to shut up and stop being dramatic.

i go to work.

there’s a wedding at the restaurant. i once again bring what feels like an endless amount of bottle crates from the back room to the bar. i smile. i talk to people. i wipe the tables. i polish the glasses. i pour beer into them.

“my back hurts,” R. says.

“willkommen to the club,” i tell her, although for some reason my back doesn’t really hurt.

someone orders a beer and then changes their mind after the bottle was already opened.

“it’s yours if you want it,” R. says. “your shift is over anyway.”

and i stay. i sit at the bar as if i don’t really work there. i drink my beer, i talk to R. while she puts the new napkins on tables, makes sure everyone from the wedding paid what they had to and lets me ask her my questions. i pay for another beer, taking money from my fresh salary. R. rolls her eyes at that but allows me to pay anyway. she’s not a boss anymore. just… a friend. i tell her i don’t wanna go home.

“i can see that,” she laughs. “do you have friends here in town?” she asks.

i look at the bottom of my glass.

“no,” i say. there’s a lady on our street i sometimes walk our dogs together with. she’s as old as my mother. i always forget the names of her three kids although they’re all around my age. i wonder if i should mention her. “i have friends in other places. you know. not here.”

“i can be your friend here,” she says, smiling.

i feel like it’s the happiest day of my life. i’m also a little drunk on schwarzbier. even if my back would hurt i wouldn’t have noticed.

“if you need someone as me as a friend,” i say, “then. yeah. sure. uh. why not.”

we talk some more. the beer tests my language skills. i tell her i want a new tattoo. she says she got the first one when she was sixteen and it was a horrible butterfly.

“what is your favourite colour?” i finally ask.

she looks really baffled at that, then pulls out her phone. “i guess it’s red,” she says, showing me some of photos from her instagram where she’s younger than me now and is dressed up in red. “see, it looks good on me,” and she’s right. “but white is also good. and pink. and maybe purple. not black though. with my black hair, it doesn’t look good at all.”

we’re both dressed in black for work.

i come to the conclusion that colours are the least important thing in the world to her. that’s okay. i think about all the years i spent trying to make colours work. i wanna say something, but end up saying nothing.

she turns the lights off and locks the restaurant up. we spend a couple minutes walking in the same direction to our houses. i tell her about the name my friends from other places are calling me. i don’t tell her why it’s different from the one she saw on my id card. i’m not that drunk. she says she’s gonna use it from now on. she kisses my cheek before we part. i was at school the last time someone did that.

i go home. i sit at my workplace. i answer to the email of the person that wants me to draw an artwork for them from a new phone i spent enormous amount of money on. for a second i wonder if i should still tell them i’m an imposter and my career will be over by the morning when i wake up sober.

i think about the ten glasses i broke, then let myself forget about them. i tell myself to shut up and stop being dramatic.

i draw.

29/02/2024

[steddieas-shegoes]

“You have to keep stirring until it’s thin, like soup.”

Steve had said this four times.

Eddie wanted a divorce.

They weren’t legally married, but he’d like to find a way to end it before it began.

“I’ve been stirring it for six minutes. It’s not getting thinner.”

“That’s impossible. Let me try.”

Steve was the chef. Eddie knew it, Steve knew it, everyone knew it. He was good at cooking. Not just following recipes, but actually throwing together ingredients from scratch and making something not only edible, but delicious.

But Steve was going away for a week with Robin. Something about a long overdue road trip that they were supposed to take before she went to college.

Eddie had every intention of just living off of takeout and the sympathy of Joyce and Claudia while he was gone, but Steve insisted that he had to know how to at least make a few things.

Steve seemed to think he could make a glaze for the baked chicken currently in the oven. The same baked chicken he’d almost burned because he thought he could put it in on broil instead of baked. He was really THAT hopeless.

But Steve was determined and when Steve was like this, he had no choice but to go along with it.

Steve was stirring, frown becoming more prominent the longer he tried.

“Something isn’t right. Did you put the lemon juice in?”

“You watched me put it in.”

“And the jelly was completely cooked down before you turned down the heat?”

“Yes.”

“You’re sure?”

“Steve.” Eddie placed his hands on Steve’s shoulders from behind him, shaking him slightly. “I can just eat pizza. Or sandwiches. Cereal. Joyce is having me over for spaghetti one night, I’m sure there will be leftovers. I won’t starve.”

“But you need to know how to take care of yourself!”

Warning sirens were going off in Eddie’s head. He’d been alone for a couple of days before and everything was fine. He’d made some macaroni, ate his weight in toast, it was great. He survived.

He even ate an apple!

So he could do it if he had to.

“What’s going on in that head, big boy?”

“Nothing. It’s just that Wayne didn’t have time to show you this stuff and you need to know.”

“I can make it a week, Stevie.”

“What if you have to make it longer?”

“Are you planning on running away? Going into hiding?”

He could tell Steve was rolling his eyes without even seeing his face.

“No. But what if I’m not always around?”

Eddie’s gut clenched. Steve must be sick. Or maybe he has a feeling that somehow the Upside Down is open and ready to ruin their lives again.

“Why wouldn’t you be?”

“I mean anything can happen. What if we get in an accident and I don’t make it?”

“Woah.” Eddie turned Steve around and held onto his hips, fingers probably leaving bruises on his skin. “Where is this coming from?”

Steve shrugged and looked down at the floor.

“Robin has anxiety about it doesn’t she?”

Steve nodded.

Ah.

Robin didn’t intentionally shove her anxieties onto Steve, and she didn’t realize he felt them so strongly when she did. She was a worrier, always thinking about the worst case scenario and then somehow making it worse in her mind.

Eddie didn’t really let it bother him until it affected Steve.

“Sweetheart, nothings gonna happen. You’ve changed the oil and checked the tires. You’ve packed every possible thing you could need in any emergency. You have a cup of change for pay phones if you need to use them. You’ve got every stop picked out and we’ll know where you are the whole time.”

“But none of that helps if I’m in an accident.”

“No. You’re right. It doesn’t. But what are the odds of that happening really?”

Steve was silent.

Eddie cupped his face between his palms, leaning forward to kiss him gently.

“It’s okay to be nervous, Stevie. But you don’t have to worry about that. I can take care of myself without having to know how to make a glaze for a baked chicken. Do you really think I’m gonna waste an hour of my evening making this decadent dinner for myself? Or do you think I’ll make a sandwich and eat a bag of chips while I read a book?”

“I know.”

“I know you know. So let’s just trash the glaze, dip the chicken in some ketchup, and fuck around until we fall asleep. I’m gonna miss you for a whole week.”

Eddie’s hands slid around him to cup Steve’s ass and give it a squeeze. Steve smirked up at him as he let himself fall into Eddie.

“We could just go right to dessert?”

“Are you the dessert or am I?”

“I’m the cake and you’re the ice cream.”

“We better hurry then before the ice cream melts.”

“You’re ridiculous,” Steve laughed as Eddie pulled him from the kitchen to the stairs.

“I’m hungry, let’s go!”

[mulders-too-large-shirt]

s5 episode 7 thoughts

(voice cracking) hey guys. how are you doing? because i’m fine. actually super incredibly fine. have never been better, in fact. (heavy on the /s)

this episode feels so final, in a way. there is before this episode and after it, and there is no going back. and we have had plenty of those episodes that involve a shedding of innocence, but we’ll reach a point where you think, surely it cannot get worse than this. and you’ll never guess what happens next: somehow, it does.

sniffs. scully always chooses love, bro. and mulder chooses her and therefore chooses love. and they choose each other. and they deserve to be happy, to be a happy little family.

take me back to around 14 hours ago, when i pressed play on this episode immediately after watching the previous one, not even bothering to make this writeup until now, because i was too invested:

okay. so yes. i broke my rule and i’m watching this episode right away. and yes i feel sick.  (author’s note to past self: girl if you felt sick then imagine how you feel now LMAOOOO)

“it begins where it ends…. in nothingness. a nightmare born from deepest fears, coming to me unguarded” <- girl what are we opening with? she's in these black robes, striding across sand...

is she looking at death itself??? again?? how many times must this happen??? is SHE death itself???

she picks up her necklace… and declares herself alone, as ever. but you're not alone, scully!

bum bum bum bum… intro time… 

mulder, please come and provide emotional support if nothing else. you are desperately needed

YES, HE IS HERE!!!!!! he is watching scully watch emily color. 

OHHHH MY GOD. hold on. she introduces him to emily as her friend, and he immediately is making funny faces to get emily to laugh. stop. i need to be sedated.

he notices her cross necklace on emily. and he doesn't say anything but he doesn't need to, because that says enough. the cross that hung from his neck when she was gone, returned to her as she returned to life, and now placed around the neck of this little girl.

he had frohike hack into the system to find her surrogate mother omg… frohike is an ally… her birth mother is named anna fugazzi…. fugazzi is a slang term for fake??? he thinks they made a whole fake profile to hide her origins??

oh my god….

mulder is telling her that being around emily is incredibly dangerous; whoever it was that killed her adoptive parents would clearly go after her next. “i can protect her, too” “yeah, but who’s gonna protect you?” <- PLEASE KILL ME IT WOULD HURT LESS

“i’ve considered that, but i‘ve also considered that there’s only one right thing to do” <- ohhh, scully and her Need to do the Morally Correct Thing……… it’ll haunt me forever. she's willing to drop everything she has in her life to give this child a better life. and she didn't even knew she existed until a few days ago.

man, i miss s1 sometimes. bitch take me back…

HE CAME TO TESTIFY AT HER HEARING TO ADOPT HER??? and he says he shouldn’t have come because he doesn’t want to see her hurt like emily's adoptive parents were 😭😭😭 but he did. because he supports her through anything. and he knows that this poor little girl was never supposed to happen.

this man is nervously cracking sunflower seeds outside the hearing room. and bill is glaring at mulder like he didn’t just fly down here to save the day. fuck him for real.

oh, this judge guy is immediately tearing into his facts about the abduction. this never stops happening to mulder when he presents his theories. it must be getting old.

she was gone for four weeks when she was abducted. did we ever know the length of time?? huh. not sure if i picked up on that if we did.

he cannot explain to this guy why anyone would do this to scully and put the child up for adoption, but that is her child!!

“not in any legal definition” “well, if you can show me a precedent for this case, i’d like to see it” <- ohhhh tell him!!!

ohhh my god... “dana has known for quite some time that she can’t bear children. she hasn’t known why. now, however that happened, the fact that she can adopt this child- her own flesh and blood- is something i don’t feel i have the right to question, and i don’t believe anybody has the right to stand in the way of” <- that is best friendship. they love each other so terribly. terrible in the sense of a storm, or a natural disaster, in the sense of love being a force

oh my god man hold on. hold on. so had they talked about it before?? how she couldn't have kids?? and did he tell her why?? i don't think he did, because she is looking on at him with such horror as he shares these facts

there is such a terrible feeling of never being able to go back to before associated with all of this…

mulder is at bill’s house now, fidgeting with their nativity, while scully descends from the stairs. she was helping tara get into bed. oh my god. she loves her family so much.

OHHH the big reveal: “why didn’t you tell me? mulder?” “i never expected this. i thought i was protecting you” <- so she never knew that he knew… which is why she looked so horrified when she heard him say that to the judge…

he thought he was keeping her safe??? because he must have known that these people were willing to kill to keep their experiments in order. it reminds me of when he was at the evil honey farm and the alien said the clone children don't need parents....... the utter lack of humanity...

he says he knew children were being created, but not for who or for what purpose. :(

she gets a call, seemingly with no one on the other end, and with one look he has his phone on him, calling to get it traced. their ability to communicate without language is fascinating. within seconds, he has the location

it’s the children’s center where emily’s being held!!!

so is it still the ghost of melissa calling them somehow?? or is there an informer in there???

they’re at the door of the children's center right away!!!! is someone going to hurt emily????? they barge right in despite it being the middle of the night

emily’s in bed, with a horrific fever. mulder picks her up (oh my god, this made me feel terriblly emotional things) and he notices there is something on her neck.

IT IS A TERRIBLE GREEN POISON LUMPY THING?????

the doctor says there is some kind of infection, and they’re having the thing on her neck biopsied.

there’s an awful pause as they're standing outside the hospital room, and he asks if they are the parents…. mulder steps to the side and lets her say that she is the mother, which is so insane to hear, while mulder watches, terribly worried. 

he watches as they’re about to cut the thing on her neck…. but he realizes it is the green alien blood (which he can see, so NOT red/green colorblind) and starts banging on the door, telling the doctor to get away!!! but she doesn’t listen!!! the doctor collapses right then and there from the exposure to the alien blood gas, while they look on in horror. 

so emily is one of the alien hybrid children... i had thought that those were all clones, but i guess there are some unique ones as well. or maybe the ones we have seen in the past all shape-shift to look the same? CSM, this is your fault. evil has a face and a name and he writes bad fiction.

emily is on a mild sedative, and the ER doctor somehow made it. scully asks mulder how he knew what was going on, and he says he had the doctor put in an ice bath like she did when he was exposed :( he remembered.... :(

the dr. calderon that emily was seeing before refuses to transfer her information over!!! and says that scully has no authority over this child!!!! he is straight up willing to let her die.

she refuses to leave her. 

mulder is sent instead to interrogate him; he asks what he can say to convince dr. calderon to convince him to transfer the files over. but dr. calderon says it’s about business reasons. mulder asks how much money is worth letting this child die.

OHHHHHH HE IS THROWING HANDS….. 

holy fuck, i need a moment. he calls calderon and his team "medical rapists", a term i was previously unfamiliar with, and says now they’re just going to let her DIE??? AND HE PULLS OUT A GUN???

“why don’t you tell me whose life is worth saving, yours or hers!!” <- DAMN!!!

mulder is willing to kill for scully and that baby she just learned existed... i need a moment

he only puts his gun away because the police are at the door… but he’s gonna follow him. 

meanwhile, emily is watching cartoons while scully is in scrubs. she wants to talk to emily… she’s explaining that she has to do some tests. "mommy said no more tests" <- now what does that mean?

they insert the child into the machine. poor scully watches.

god, scully must feel so strange at the moment. and she gets flashbacks to her abduction from hearing the MRI machine beeping….

dr. calderon is running into a fancy gated home. and the other men who were watching scully before are here!!!!! 

OH MY GOD???? THEY STABBED THE DOCTOR'S NECK WITH THE NEEDLE, AND THE GREEN GAS CAME OUT???

and the other one morphed into calderon??? SO THEY’RE THE ALIENS????

but mulder is here……..

(i’m torn between genuine devastation and the sheer absurdity of this plot)

back at the hospital, we learn emily has some sort of infection into her brain that is expanding along her nervous system

and the guy who is pretending to be calderon is here!!!

scully and the real doctor are talking medicine, what can and cannot be done for her.

NO WHAT? THE ALIEN THAT TOOK CALDERON'S FACE IS HERE WITH THE NEEDLE GAS STUFF??? he just left emily's room……

scully's going after this guy, but he switches faces the minute they catch him!!!!!

mulder is still tailing the people from the pharmaceutical company. he tells scully he doesn’t think they want emily dead either, but for different reasons… they want their experiment to work, i assume is what he implies, but he hangs up then to go do some more tailing.

detective kresge is here!!!! scully tells him she thinks these men killed emily's adoptive parents because they stopped doing the tests!!! and that must be why that mysterious man came in to see her!!!!

i’m ready to see some heads roll over this whole matter. 

mulder lets himself into the weird huge gated house he saw dr. calderon go into, which seems to be an nursing home, with a label on a shelf for a. fuggazi. she’s a real person???? and she’s 71 years old???

but now emily is getting worse, with the growth spreading; it is killing her. the doctor says they should be grateful she isn’t in pain. 

chambliss shows up to tell scully that the court is freaked out that she’s making choices for emily, but she points out that she is “a medical doctor, and the decisions that i make are reasonable and right” and we know this to be true!!!

OHHHH MY GOD chambliss says that she has no authority, and scully says that if they take her out of the hospital, she will have it known that all of them are responsible for emily's worsening health…… holy fuck

“what do you want me to tell them you’re doing for her?” “i don’t know yet. but i will” <- she thinks there has to be hope…. :(

frohike is on the phone!!!! mulder is reading the names of the women in the nursing home, while frohike looks them up. and somehow they all gave birth to children in the last few years??? despite being 70+ years old????

and frohike wants to know if they are attractive. mulder says he might have a shot with these ones LMAO <- rare moment of levity in what may be the darkest fucking episode of all time

these elderly women are being prescribed estrogen and progesterone, which are in abundance in pregnant women……….

anna comes to mulder and says she wants to start her beauty sleep??? and it’s taken years off of her appearance??? do the aliens turn them young somehow??? and then use them to have children???

holy fuck. horrific commentary on the intersections of reproductive rights and elder abuse....

emily is now being inserted into a new tube for testing, with scully saying she will be right there the whole time. the air in the tube hurts emily's ears??? and makes her veins pop out??????? she is yelling at the doctor to stop running the test, but i don't even really understand what is going on, beyond that emily cannot handle it

mulder is still at the nursing home, where he finds a bunch of the old women in bed, attached to IVs with the hormones he mentioned earlier!!! so they get the IVs in their sleep and then they... no, it's too disturbing to even say

so he looks in the fridge and inside he finds some papers…. HUH???? it has scully’s name on them???? and inside is ANOTHER BABY IN A TUBE????

what the fuck??? this is messed up!!!!

he also finds vials of the green stuff that you use to kill the aliens!!!! but now the shapeshifting alien guy from before is here!!!! so he's running out with the vials!!! 

but detective kresge is here and stops mulder!!!!! IS THE DETECTIVE WORKING FOR THE ALIENS???

NO!! kresge is trying to keep him safe!!! the alien picks him up and tosses him like a rag doll!!!

but kresge gets up and shoots him despite mulder’s many warnings, so he hisses as his alien body releases that toxic green gas!! NO, KRESGE!! you were mean at first, but i grew to like you!!!

the alien takes kresge’s face and dips while mulder is trying to get backup!!!!!!!!!!!!

poor scully is watching emily through the window; she has gone into a coma. mulder suddenly arrives. but before mulder can say anything, she claims she’s okay. 

“but if you could treat her?” “i wouldn’t. i wouldn’t do it to her” “are you sure?” <- oh my god? is she going to take her off of life support? does she think it is wrong to keep her alive with no quality of life? we know she believes that in her own will... is she realizing there is nothing she can do? and why does she always lead with "i'm okay" when she isn't?

“mulder, whoever brought this child into this world didn’t intend to love her”

“i think she was born to serve an agenda” (a horrific thing for a human to be)

“i have a chance to stop that. you were right. this child was not meant to be”

but she is. she is here. and she doesn't have much longer.

he rubs her back and says he’ll stay with her. STOOOOOP

but she says she’d like to be alone. so he quietly walks away.

oh my god. he was going to stay with her while she watched her baby die... but she said she wanted to do it alone....... 

he still has that one vial of green stuff in his pocket, and pulls it out in the hallway. while she’s going in to presumable say goodbye. she lays her head next to emily, crawling into her bed. oh my god.

then we see a stained glass window of mary holding baby jesus while scully sits in a pew. maggie is here, asking if she’s ready. she tells her she’ll get a ride back with mulder. and she hugs her family, smiling at tara’s new baby, kissing him on the head.

there is a little casket, and scully stares at it as mulder comes in, laying flowers upon it. 

“who are the men who would create a life whose only hope is to die?” “i don’t know. but that you found her… and you had a chance to love her… maybe she was meant for that, too” <- oh my god??? oh my god.

“she found me” “so you could save her” <- and she did save her... she saved her from an unhappy home and unethical experiments and loved her in the week that she knew her, and let her go peacefully instead of suffering....

then she asks about kresge, who somehow made it, but the nursing home has been cleaned out, and no one else knew of calderon’s work. but there is evidence of what they did, she says, staring at the casket. 

she takes the flowers, lifts up the lid, and mulder turns around to give her space. but the casket is empty, except for the cross necklace. which she holds, closing her eyes. so they took her body, too???

the sand… the necklace… the opening scene… the parallels… i’m, like, blubbering as i type this

what the fuck!! who came up with this?? it is so fucked up and horrific and why. why. why. why did they make her undergo that and where do we go from here? no seriously, how is she going to just. clock into work the next day. not knowing she had a daughter except for a single week they had together and then she watched her die.

i honestly think scully is a saint because. if someone told me my autonomy had been taken and they made a baby out of me without my consent, i think i would be horrified and want nothing to do with the poor child. i would think, i have no relation to that little person. it was done without my knowledge, and how can i claim any connection to something i never knew?

(i mean, that is all i can imagine i would do; i know nothing of what it feels like to want or have or learn you have a baby. so keep that fact in mind if i don't fully grasp the weight of everything here. but believe me, what i am grasping is weighty enough)

but she said, i have a baby and i need to love her, because the option to make my own decision was denied, but i need to do the right thing. she just barrels in and loves her. no hesitation. and then she watches her die. 

and what the fuck?? from a writer’s perspective are they just trying to overtly comment on the lack of women’s healthcare?? because this hits different in the current political climate in a way they couldn’t have seen at the time. and i do feel somewhat inspired to write an essay on the subject. and using the elderly women as incubators... holy hell. it really speaks to the lack of agency women have over their own bodies and the terrifying nature of government intervention into women's healthcare...

mulder showing up right away to testify for her… scully being willing to throw her whole career away for a child she never knew she had… i need a few days and maybe a drink.

where do they go from this? how do you move on from learning you have a child, choosing to love it for the week you knew her, and then watching her die? how do you just go hunt bigfoot after that?

i feel like this show throws too many emotional punches and doesn't give us time to let the aftershocks sink in and the grief be processed. i hope that this time we get that chance.

and oh, how tender both of them were with emily... i just know that if they have kids, that child is going to be so loved... i am gonna cry at the thought. because we have always been able to see that mulder wants a family so desperately, but with scully it was more simmering under the surface until it boiled over, and now she knows what that feeling is like, but it was taken away from her and it can never come back, but maybe someday she can find happiness, and they can find happiness together, and raise a little kid who they can hold and carry and read books to and fuck i'm emotional!!!

i'm thinking about how even way back in season 1 we see them dealing with kids and the foreshadowing to this, this glimpse of what could have been in another life, but what isn't in this timeline. and how he was there for her while she waded through entirely incomprehensible emotions. and again i come back to the fact she chose to love this little girl despite having no knowledge of her.

and how they choose to find meaning in that week they knew her, with mulder telling her that she saved emily, that she let her experience love and happiness. to try and find any purpose to their inexplicably cosmic suffering.

fuck!!!

as always, please tell me what you think!!! what was your reaction when you saw this for the first time?? what was the reaction of the wider public? did you also cry a million tears? did you also cry at the mental image of them having a little baby? has your perception of the episode changed over time? if you have kids now do you cry even more? will chris carter ever work on whatever it is he has going on with making women suffer? i need to know every last detail.

[darling-answers]

Can you do Pharah x fem reader and it’s her first time being cuddled (BTW I know I don’t have to specify Fem reader but I’ve been on the dark side)

Day Four

Cuddle Season

Side note: another one that has been in my request for a long time thank you for being so patient. I also forgot to mention all my stories anytime the reader had dialogue it should come out as green, while the character being in the story should have there signature color. Sorry this one was also very short!

She had finally come home, after a long difficult mission one that almost cost her life. She was lucky to have such good supports on her side not only her mother but also Angela. You didn’t know how to pay them for keeping your girlfriend safe. They never expected you to and even refused but for your girlfriend to get severely injured this time worse than any of her other missions you wish they would accept it.

She laid in the medical ward with severe bruises all over her body. Some bullets had grazed her skin which led to bandages being placed in areas of her body like her arm, abdomen, thigh and her head. She had her right arm wrapped up tight in bandages. She suffered some serious injuries in her right arm which put her out of commotion for a few days.

Angela had given her two weeks to recover her body fully with enough exercise after she recovered with her arm and some nanotechnology she would be as good as new. But for right now laying in the hospital with barely anyone to talk to besides the few visits from her mother, Angela, and you, plus the nurses coming in and out to check on her made her feel like she was missing out. So to boost her morales coming back from shopping you bought her something that could help.

“ you did not… Baby in the nicest way possible when you said you were getting me something this was… not what I expected.”

She gave you a look of concern for your spending habits. Taking the build a bear into her hands she looked back up at you. It was a bear that somehow resembles her mother with the Jacket, her sniper rifle, Her eye patch, her sleep dart. She took the other one in her hand and looked up at you for the third time. It was one that resembled you. She felt the firm material as she slowly moved the one that resembled her mother near her right shoulder. Holding the one that resembles you to her chest.

“ both of them speaks so if you ever feeling a little sick just squeeze them and there multiple messages inside of those for you to remember us by.”

As she squeezed your plushie, your voice came out of the voice box of the bear, it was a message of affirmation and love. She knew there was so much work put behind this, it could be also very expensive for a very custom version of a bear that looked like you in bear form.

Sitting by her side she seemed to have a little frown on her face a look of sincere had developed in her eyes. In the background there was a small tv noise that was drown out by the lovely lady that sat next to Pharah.

“ you are something else…”

She snorted as she placed her left hand on her lips as she made a small gesture for her girlfriend to lean closer. When her girlfriend was close enough she slowly reached over to grab her waist and use some of her strength to push her girlfriend into the bed with her.

“ Fareeha I should not be in the same bed with you while you recover what if one of the nurses walk in!”

The protest of her beautiful girlfriend made her slowly press a big kiss on your cheek.

“ so what are they really going to tell me that I can’t have my partner in the bed with me, your not doing anything wrong, I’m recovering what the problem.”

She felt a small shuffle as she saw you get more comfortable in the bed with the little room the both of you guys had. As she felt your arms wrapped around hers she slowly moved her arm to also wrapped around you.

“ you know I love you so much. Thank you… it so lonely in here knowing you guys are out also trying to save the world while I’m stuck in recovery.”

She let out a small somber sigh as she leaned her head on your shoulder, her thumb finds it landing on your lower back as she slowly closed one of her eyes.

“ we know you like saving the world Fareeha but we also need you alive just as much as saving the world. Don’t stress about not being out on the field people will understand you needing time to recover from these difficult missions.”

The lovely voice of reason made her snort again, her body moving a little as the noise left her nose. Fareeha lips come to leave little sweet kisses on your neck, hearing your giggling caused her to also laugh.

“ what will i do with such a pretty lady in my bed? Did you know you’re the most gorgeous and attractive person in my life that I can call mine?”

She smiled, that real genuine smile. That wasn’t fake. Her left hand moved to come onto your left side cheek as she rubbed it. By permission from your head nodding she slowly moved to give you a kiss on the lips. The kiss was passionate one that she put her full attention to. As you both pulled away gently she felt you pull her tighter into a cuddle position. Her hands fall into your hair as she saw and felt your head leaning on her left shoulder. You were on her right side so your body was on top of her chest. While it did cause a tiny sensation of pain it didn’t have any argument on her.

“ I think I would know since you like to compliment me every single day I wake up. You refuse to go a day without me knowing I’m the most beautiful woman in this universe.”

She hears you laugh at your statement, she felt one of your arms come to rest on where her chest is. It relaxed on her heart. Which she comes to swoon over in her brain.

“ I love you so much…”

She whispers her voice had a hint of emotional behind it, as it cracked a little, as she comes to bury her head in your shoulder. Smelling your perfume on you she let out a sigh.

“ I love you, Fareeha thank you for being my protector.”

The Ana Bear plushie got squished as it leg had some of your head and hair on it. Ana Amari was so impressed with it when you showed her it she was almost jealous she didn’t think of it at first. Both you and her made bunch of jokes over tea about it being the new protector in the Amari household. Ana was the reason you even had confidence to give it to Pharah. She now had plushies of her two favorite people, now the only thing that was missing was a plushie that was exactly like Fareeha so the three of you could all be matching with bears.

[animeyanderelover]

Tags: @flaming-vulpix

Tw: Yandere themes, unhealthy mindset, unhealthy relationship, possessive behavior, obsession, delusion, clinginess, abduction, death

The Little Merman Pt.3

Part 2

"Ikuya, just hold still! The doctor won't hurt you!"

You had to press him down by the shoulders, the scene reminiscent of a time where your family used to have one dog which had hated it to be touched when she had somehow hurt herself. Ikuya let out whimpers as he squirmed around in your hold, recoiling whenever the doctor touched him. His amber-colored eyes were looking at you pleadingly as his voice was still too raw and hoarse to use since whatever flu had abruptly hit him nearly two weeks ago. His skin was still burning with his fever and his movements were sluggish as his body was heavy and exhausted.

“Hmm, has his condition become worse or slightly better since my last visit?”

“Slightly better, doctor. But he’s still very weak.”

“The medicine I’ve prescribed?”

“I’ve been giving him the medicine everyday. It at least helped him to sleep better.”

You glanced worriedly at the doctor. You were concerned for Ikuya’s help since he had been in this weak condition for over one week already. You didn’t want to tell him this but in your eyes he just was very delicate so you feared that the sickness would be too much of a toll for him. After all, he had told you that he had lived sheltered on an island for years with his family. He probably wasn’t used to a lifestyle like yours.

“Is… Is he going to be fine, doctor?”

The older man gave you a short laugh when noticing your worried expression.

“Now, now, (y/n). No need to give me such a dejected look. His condition might be weak but it’s nowhere near life-threatening. I’d say if you take care of him like you’ve done until now, he’ll be fine in a week or two. Just continue to give him the medicine.”

You nodded, feeling a weight drop from your heart as you chose to believe the doctor. You’d grown attached to Ikuya in the four months he’d been with you so you wanted him to get fit again.

“Thanks for dropping by again. I can’t thank you enough.”

The doctor waved his hands dismissively.

“No need to thank me. You know that I’ll gladly drop by. Your parents were good friends of mine…”

His eyes shortly darkened as they filled with sadness and weakness and for a moment he looked like he had aged significantly before he resumed his mild grin.

“If anything should happen, just inform me.”

You escorted him out of the house and stood in the doorframe as you waved him goodbye, watching how he disappeared in the woods to walk back to the small town. You hadn’t shown it earlier but now your eyes showed pity as you watched his back in the distance. You’d known him since your earliest childhood days and knew how much he had lost in his life. His wife had died in an accident as her horse had thrown her off and she had smashed her head against a rock, his parents and siblings had passed away years ago, his best friends and also your parents had drowned away and then his only child had been gone missing mysteriously years ago although rumors had it that they’d been kidnapped by the man that had randomly appeared years ago. Your memories were hazy as you had been very small during that time but the one thing you still remembered about that scary man were his cold and unsettling purple eyes that had gazed cruelly at everyone he had laid eyes upon. Gossip in the town by people who had clearer memories of that time than you had told that the only one who had been granted his warm gaze had been the child of the doctor. The doctor truly had lost so much and yet continued to move on. His strength was inspiring.

~

“I know it tasted awful but it’ll help you, I promise.”

You said as you tried to reason with Ikuya to take the medicine that he hadn’t liked from day one. You understood him of course, it smelled bitter and was viscous from it’s texture, not even to mention that the brown-green color of it made it look everything but appetizing. But as your parents had always told you: “It doesn’t have to taste good, it’s just supposed to help you recover.”

He made a grimace as you nearly shoved the spoon in his mouth and the bitter texture spread on his palette, for a short moment you feared that he’d gag but Ikuya managed to force it down his body with an audible gulp.

“There we go. Now you should try to sleep a bit more. You need all the rest that you can get to get better.”

You told him as you pulled the blanket up his body and helped him to lay back down in the bed. You took the warm rag from his forehead, wrung it out before dipping it in cool water to place it onto his warm forehead again.

“So, if you need help with anything, just make yourself noticeable somehow so that I can assist you in whatever way I can.”

You reminded him before standing up from the bed, ready to head to your own room and rest for the night. Just as you were about to leave though, you were stopped by his soft hands weakly grasping your wrist. You turned to him with a slightly surprised look as you wondered what he could want from you.

“S-stay a bit longer with me.” He croaked out with his hoarse voice as good as he could, his eyes staring at you with a frightened gaze. You’d sort of known that he had separation anxiety but it had gotten worse since he had fallen ill. You bit your lip as you saw his gaze that made your heart always waver with guilt. He looked too innocent, too weak, too fragile in such moments as if he would fall apart if you wouldn’t be there for him. You gave in with a sigh and sat down on the edge of the bed.

“Only until you’ve fallen asleep.”

You couldn’t even have imagined how happy those words made Ikuya. He had been miserable ever since the mysterious sickness had gotten him and had practically immobilized him. He assumed that it must have been a curse of the sea wizard due to breaking his promise, one that took time to heal. Time that he needed to make you love him.

Instead he could barely go to the bathroom alone as you had to help him with everything. He hated it as much as he loved it at the same time. He’d never been this helpless before in his life and it was humiliating but at the same time he couldn’t help but bask in all of the attention and care you gave him. A part of him couldn’t help but believe that this meant that you loved him too, even if you hadn’t spoken those words yet.

He sluggishly crawled closer to where you were sitting before slowly wrapping his arms around your hips, his head moving up to lay in your lap. You weren’t prepared for this so you flinched surprised upon witnessing his move. Initially you were fully prepared to berate him for this, teach him some boundaries but words failed you when you glanced down at Ikuya. He had closed his eyes, breathing softly with his cheek smushed against your thigh. He looked peaceful and calm for the first time since he’d fallen ill as you knew best how much this sudden disease had worn him down. So you bit your tongue, out of pity, and allowed him to lay in your lap, dozing away to a happy dream in which both of you were lovers and he showed you his own home.

~

It took him weeks until the worst passed by. He still wasn't completely healed but at least now he could walk without your support, even if he was still feeling wobbly on both of his legs. Throughout the entire time where he had been seriously ill though, you never left him once. You catered to his needs as much as you could, took excellent care of him and stayed with him when he got anxious. Multiple times he'd woken up to you sitting on a chair next to his bed, your head tilted over the back of the chair in a position that would surely give you a stiff neck yet you never complained. Because it all was for him. You cared for him! You loved him! It must have been love that made you sacrifice all your time and comfort in favor of nursing him back to health!

~

"You're looking really better now. The medicine of the doctor is really working now." You beamed happily as you shoved a spoon full of vegetable stew in your mouth, munching on it. Ikuya gave you a flustered grin, happy to finally feel better as well as seeing you in such a happy mood to see him well. You were happy because he was finally feeling better... The thought of it made him blush a bit and he shyly averted his eyes to his soup plate. He lifted his own spoon, carefully blew at the steaming food before eating his own share. "It's also because I had you to look after me..." He finally decided to speak up bashfully, although his voice was still very quiet.

"Don't mention it. I'd hate to see someone precious to me suffering. Also, I have lots of experience with taking care of sick people. I had three younger siblings after all."

His heart soared in Ikuya's chest when you mentioned that he was someone precious to you. A giddy feeling took over him, one that almost made him want to skip happily across the room as he helped you cleaning up the table, trying his best to stay stable on his slightly shaky knees. They had felt weird since a few days but you had told him that it probably was the aftereffects of his passing illness. It made sense in his head.

"I'm heading down into the village. I promised to help the fisher there to help them navigate since the weather is a bit rough today. We'll share the money the catch will bring us. You're fine with being alone for a while, right?"

He wasn't and Ikuya wanted to tell you so too. But guilt held him back as he knew that you had already neglected your own work enough for him. So he hid his hands behind his back as they had started trembling as the idea of you leaving him distressed him and gave you a weak smile. "I'll be fine, don't worry."

You didn't look fully convinced but decided to just have faith in him since you'd hate breaking your promise to the people down there. There was also this urgent matter to take care of...

"(y/n)?" Ikuya asked carefully when he noticed that you had spaced out, looking like you were deep in your thoughts. You snapped out of it when you heard his tender voice.

"Don't forget that the doctor will be coming later today to see how you're doing. I might not be back by that time so you'll have to open the door for him." You reminded him quickly before dressing up for the windy weather outside.

"See you later." You told Ikuya before closing the door.

"See you later." Ikuya muttered under his breath even though you couldn't have possibly heard him then as you were already out of the house. He stared at the door dreamily before walking up the stairs, the feeling of giddiness still etched into his chest. He had a good feeling about this. It would all work out. He was sure of it.

Just when he was about to step up the last few stairs, a sudden wave of pain suddenly hit him. It knocked the air out of his lungs as his legs gave in under him due to the painful cramps. All strength left his legs for a moment and it was only because he was thrashing around with his upper body and his arms that he managed to push himself forward and prevent falling down all the stairs. He let out deep and shaky breaths as he crawled up the last few stairs with only his arms, his weak legs sliding over the wooden ground. He turned on his back as soon as he laid safely on the floor, touching his legs confused and frightened. What was wrong right now? This couldn't be normal. He felt his legs trembling under his hands, spasm after spasm going through his muscles that had his face turn into a pained grimace. It took a while for the pain to slowly go away. He took in deep breaths the entire time yet still felt like he wasn't breathing in enough oxygen which slowly had him feel slightly dizzy.

Something was wrong. He could feel it in his stomach.

He slowly removed the baggy trousers that you had bought him to see what was wrong. His heart dropped when he saw teal-colored fish scales covering his pale skin. No, no, no, no. no...

He erratically rubbed the palms of his hands against them as if trying to wipe them away yet they stayed there, although they at least didn't seem to spread further up his legs. For now at least. Abruptly he became aware of the way his chest was heaving for more air as if not getting enough as the dizziness slowly got worse. He got up slowly, pushing himself up with his hands before slowly balancing himself out on his feet. He could see them slightly shaking now as it felt even more difficult now to stand. Despite that he quickly made his way towards his room where you still had a bowl of water just in case you had to use wet rags to cool him down. It felt like the water pulled him towards it as he collapsed next to it and instantly dunked his face into the object. He instantly took deep breaths as soon as his nose was in the liquid and a mixture of relief and dread washed over him when he realized that he could breathe under water.

He sat there a couple of minutes, taking in much needed air before pulling his face out of the bowl, his hair dripping with water and a heavy panic settling deep inside his chest. He was running out of time! He couldn't wait anymore! He-he had to kiss you now!

~

"Your fever has gone down significally and I must say, you look a lot more healthy now."

Ikuya did his best to nod and give the doctor a good smile as he silently prayed for the old man to leave. He had grown to like the old man but his urge to dunk his head under water again was growing stronger and stronger as the headache from the lack of proper air for him was slowly becoming unbearable.

"It's all thanks to you and (y/n). By the way, do-do you know when they'll come back?" Ikuya asked with a hint of urgency in his tone. He didn't have much time left. He could almost feel how the skin on his legs was slowly turning back into scales. He would most likely turn back before the next sunrise.

"I'm afraid that I don't really know. The weather has gotten a bit worse so it might be a bit difficult to sail across the ocean." The old man told him whilst looking out of the window. The blue sky had completely disappeared under the thick layer of grey and dark clouds that poured rain down onto the surface. The weather was scary, he hated storms a lot. They were loud and cold, the only good thing it had brought to him was you.

"May I ask why you want to know that?"

Ikuya hesitated a bit but then just decided that he didn't have to be very specific about it anyways. "There's something I have to tell them..." He admitted silently, his hands fidgeting with the hem of his shirt. He had locked his eyes onto the ground and didn't see the look of slow but sure realization that spread across the wrinkled face of the doctor, nor the sad glimmer that appeared in his eyes as he looked at Ikuya.

"I think (y/n) might be a bit late today because even if they're already back from fishing, they have something urgent to discuss with a few people."

Ikuya finally looked up, confused by the tone the old man used as he sounded sad and he felt even more confused when he saw how he was looking at him.

"W-what? Something urgent?"

"So (y/n) didn't tell you. They probably didn't want to bother you with anything whilst you're not fully recovered yet."

Hands suddenly grabbed the doctor's shoulders in a tight hold, although he could feel how they were trembling. Wide amber-colored eyes stared at him with confusion and growing fear. Ikuya could barely stand and partially had to use the doctor as a support yet he forced his legs to stand as a new wave of dread filled his veins. Why was the old man looking at him with such pitiful eyes? What was happening with you right now?!

"What do you mean? Please... please tell me." He spoke out in a quivering tone, big eyes looking pleadingly at the doctor. He seemed to contemplate for a while whether to tell Ikuya or not before letting out a sigh, a defeated one.

"(y/n) has been offered a few days ago an engagement with one of the fisher's children and will visit them today to discuss this topic." He said it as neutral as possible in hopes of sparing Ikuya a too big shock.

Nothing could have saved Ikuya from the shock, the confusion, the fear, the pain this news hit him with. It washed over him mercilessly and for a short moment he froze completely. Only seconds later though his body started shaking again as tears spilled down his face as the word kept repeating itself in his head.

Engagement. Engagement. Engagement. Engagement. Engagement. Engagement. Engagement. Engagement. But with someone else...

"I...b-but...why?" He couldn't think straight anymore, couldn't form any proper sentence and his voice nearly died down at the end as he let go. His chest started hurting with another pain that didn't come from breathing properly due to the lack of air. It felt like something was tearing him apart from inside his chest as more tears blurred his vision.

"I don't know if they will agree to the engagement or not. All will be decided today."

But-but you had him! Why would you think about getting engaged to someone else when you had him! You...you were supposed to love him... You loved him! Didn't you?

Ikuya let go of the doctor's shoulder as all strength left him and he fell back into the mattress of the bed, staring blankly into the room as more tears cascaded down his cheeks. Seconds ticked by in which the doctor thought about what he should do right now. Should he stay or leave?

"Leave."

His voice was quiet and shaky but there was an underlying bitterness to it that only someone with a broken heart could feel. Deciding to respect that his patient would need some time alone now to come to terms with the news, the old man slowly left the room. Ikuya only noted absentminded how he left, shut the door behind him and made his way back to the town in the rain and wind. Nothing of that mattered really to him in the moment. The only thing that mattered was you.

~

"Ikuya...? What are you doing outside in this rain?! Quick, go back inside or else you'll catch another cold!"

You had not expected to come home, drenched in water from the sea and the rain, only to find Ikuya standing outside. Wet strands of hair stuck to his face, hiding partially his eyes from your sight. He was drenched just like you were and you could clearly see how his whole body was shivering violently, you assumed because of the cold rain combined with the strong wind.

He didn't move, instead stood in his place, not even glancing at you. You furrowed your brows as you walked closer to him in large strides, concerned for him. What was wrong?

The moment he noticed how you walked closer to him, one hand carefully stretched out to touch him, he flinched away. His whole body jumped back and his head snapped up to look at you and the look in his eyes shot right through your heart. Confusion, fear but above all sorrow beyond words. His amber eyes looked at you as if you'd abused him. You froze in your tracks when he gave you that look and both of you just stood there. Then he abruptly turned around, his back facing you before he sprinted into the forest. You reminded in your frozen position for a few moments as the shock had almost paralyzed you before you finally snapped out of it and ran after him.

"Ikuya!! Ikuya!! Stop! What's wrong?!"

He didn't listen, he didn't stop, he didn't slow down. Ikuya just ran through the growing pain, the burning sensation of his two legs slowly melting back into one fish tail. His lungs hurt as he had never physically exercised like this in this human form and the fact that the air up here slowly didn't provide him with the oxygen that he needed only intensified everything. His head hurt, his chest hurt, he felt dizzy and nauseous and nearly tumbled down a couple of times. His legs lost more and more strength and he knew that he would transform back into a merman very soon.

"Ikuya!! Stop!! The cliff!!!" You yelled after him, your voice layered with fear. Fear for him. Yet now he knew better. You'd never seen him as anything close to a lover. Unlike him you'd never seen him as your light of your life, as your first and only love.

You were out of breath by the time you reached the cliff, your heart threatening to jump out of your throat when he stopped, the slippery ground almost causing him to fall down only for him to halt right on the edge of the cliff. You heard him, saw him visibly gulping for air as if he couldn't breathe properly. You walked slowly towards him, terrified that one wrong move from him could push him into falling into a nearly 30 metre abyss only to sink down and drown into the raging ocean.

"I-Ikuya...please move away from there. You might fall down." You spoke slowly yet despite your best attempt to make your voice sound steady, your tone was wavering. Amber eyes casted a short look down into the ocean before looking straight at you, pinning you onto the ground again as if his gaze had a weight to it that prevented you from moving.

Just now you noticed that his eyes were red and puffy. Had he been crying?

"Did you accept?"

Your mind and your feelings were all over the place, you couldn't think properly anymore.

"What? W-what are you... Ikuya, I-I..." You stumbled over your sentences, unable to form a single coherent one. You didn't understand what he meant but his next question crashed down onto your brain like a landslide, burying all of your thoughts under it.

"D-do you love me?"

All of a sudden you were silent, your mind was silent, no word left your mouth. You just stood there with wide eyes as you stared at him astonished as if not fully registering what he had just spoken.

Now it was Ikuya who slowly walked closer to you, to where you stood. Cold hands gingerly grasped your shoulders and you could feel now how much he was trembling. His eyes were filled to the brim with emotions and now you could clearly see the tears spilling out of his eyes. It nearly made you want to cry as well.

"Please..." He started speaking with a trembling voice, his pleads threatening to break your heart then and there.

"Please love me. Only me. No one else. B-because if you don't...I can never have you."

You could only stare at him as your mind slowly started to work again.

"Ikuya...d-do you know about the-"

You were cut off, caught-off-guard when soft and warm lips pressed against your own pair of lips. You stiffened in Ikuya's hold, eyes somehow opening even wider as he leaned into the kiss, inexperienced yet conveying all of his emotions perfectly.

It was a wonderful feeling for the first few seconds as his stomach and chest exploded with fuzzy and warm feelings. But cold emptiness filled him shortly after as he finally understood your own feelings through the kiss. You didn't love him...and you probably never would.

You were speechless when he pulled away, only able to stare at him as he stepped away from you as if you'd burnt him with your lips, a devastated look in his eyes.

"You don't love me..."

You couldn't even hear what he was whispering more to himself than to you over the howling wind, all you could focus on was how he was stepping dangerously close to the edge of the cliff again. He looked at his own trembling hands for a moment before he locked eyes with you for a last time. Icy fear rolled over you when you saw that look in his eyes. A sad and heart-broken smile was on his face as he let himself fall down and your hand only brushed through the air as you tried to catch him, stop him, hold him.

He heard you crying out his name in a horrified voice, watched your form getting smaller and smaller before he crashed through the surface of the cold water, his skin crawling the moment he was engulfed in it. It was as if being fully submerged in the ocean accelerated his transformation as his legs started shaking and trembling. He watched as the legs he had been walking around with for almost half a year melted together into his teal-colored tail and tore his trousers apart.

As soon as he had reverted back to his real form, he swam away as fast as he could with a bleeding heart that would probably never heal. It had all been for nothing. Six months had been for nothing except making him fall in love with you even more. It hurt, it hurt him so much... He wished he'd never have fallen in love in the first place.

[satansapostle6]

The Man Who Sold The World | Luke Castellan

Spotify Playlist Link

Katherine. She was the one who started it all for Luke Castellan, the reason he did what he did.

Warnings: Mature themes/language. Violence. Sexual content.

Chapter Three

Chapter Four: A Dance With The Devil

It had been four days, nearly a week since Luke had last seen Katherine. They had worked out a plan for rendezvous: Katherine would keep the Camaro parked at a specially marked spot in the woods, about a mile from the camp. He still hadn’t gotten the chance to go and meet Katherine yet, which he found himself strangely disappointed about.

But, he had finally gotten himself an excuse to leave Camp Half-Blood for a short while. Luckily, he’d walked down the hill for about half an hour to find that Katherine was waiting by the Camaro, per the note he’d left on her windshield on his last patrol of the camp.

“Sandy!” Luke joked, seeing her in a black cafe racer jacket.

Despite coming from completely different backgrounds, and being completely different people, they still had music and movies in common.

“Tell me about it, stud,” she rolled her eyes. “So, what’s new with you? What’d you get?”

“Some weapons, shields, and stuff to help us in the Underworld... What did you get?” he asked in turn.

“Just some odds and ends I needed to stock up on,” Katherine stated. “Here. I had these made.”

Luke looked at her curiously as she handed him a stack of driver’s licenses she’d made using a photo she’d asked him to have taken by one of the children of Apollo who specialized in fake license photos.

“Whoa. Where’d you get these?” he asked her. “I know a few people who can get fakes made, but I’ve never seen anything this convincing.”

“I told you, I have my contacts,” she shrugged.

He carefully examined the fake licenses, looking at all the smaller details. Each license used its own fake name, and listed an eerily accurate height of 6’1”.

“Really? I’m 21?” Luke raised an eyebrow.

“We gotta let off some steam at some point,” Katherine reminded him.

“You’re sure you don’t wanna become part of the camp?” he asked. “It’d make things a lot easier.”

“Nah, I like living out of my car,” she reminded him. “I like the privacy.”

“Yeah, something tells me living in the Hermes cabin with me, the other Hermes kids, and all the other minor gods’ children and the unclaimed doesn’t exactly sound like a step up,” he admitted, not fond of the idea himself.

“Oh, we’d be sharing a cabin?” she joked, a playful grin on her face.

“Well. There is a rule that specifically states that a male and female camper can’t be left alone in a cabin,” he quipped, open to the banter.

“That’s not very progressive,” Katherine pouted.

“Not everyone’s as forward-thinking as us,” he offered.

“I could think of a few things we could look forward to,” she chuckled, her deep voice resonating.

“Like what?” his ears practically perked up in surprise.

“Wouldn’t you like to know?” she smiled. “Luke, I’d love to stay and chat, but I gotta meet up with a guy.”

“What, for more Celestial bronze?”

“No, credit cards,” she elaborated, “I have a few stolen ones, but they’ll only last me so long ‘til the owners notice. I have a guy that does fakes that pass.”

“Where the hell did you find all these guys?” Luke frowned.

“Networking, sweetie,” Katherine said dryly. “I gotta go. Let me know if you come up with an alibi.”

“That was what I was gonna tell you. I got them to give me in-and-out privileges without question,” he explained.

“What’d you tell them?”

“I told them I have a sick aunt back in Connecticut,” he said nonchalantly.

“Good one. Sick relative’s always a sympathy-getter. I gotta go. My guy’s waiting,” she climbed into the car.

“Meet me here tonight. At 8. We can leave then,” he told her.

“Alright. See ya,” Katherine drove off without a second thought.

Luke watched her drive off, already feeling an uncomfortable silence filling the air as she left. Katherine did come with plenty of silence, but somehow, to Luke, it was a preferable silence. He knew a lot of people at the camp, having been Head Counselor of Cabin 11 for years and lived there for even longer, but there few people at the camp he genuinely cared for, especially close to his own age.

Katherine Montalvo was one of the first people he’d ever met who actually understood what he had to say. She was also one of the first people he’d ever actually felt he was safe telling.

It was only a few minutes before 8:00 when Katherine arrived at her designated parking spot down the hill from Camp Half-Blood. She waited exhaustedly as Luke came down the hill, backpack slung over his shoulder and duffel bag in hand. The first thing he noticed about her was that her long ebony-colored waves were now confined in a surprisingly girlish French braid that fell in one sleek twist down her back.

“I’ll start the car,” Katherine nodded in approval.

“What happened to the Camaro?” Luke questioned, realizing she was now driving a silver Pontiac.

“Ran into some trouble. Don’t ask,” she sighed.

“Not asking,” he smiled. “Where to first?”

“I’m ready to head to Central Park,” she replied as they both climbed in. “What are your thinking?”

“I’m ready to go,” she sighed, irritably throwing off her jacket toward the backseat.

Luke watched her as she did, eyes playfully widened at the sight of her toned shoulders, which weren’t hidden by her hair for the first time he’d ever seen. Maybe, he thought, this might’ve been what school dress codes were warning against.

“Just gotta head to the store. I haven’t had the chance to grab more food.”

Luke didn’t ask her any further questions as she drove them to the closest convenience store, knowing better when it came to Katherine. He got out of the car with her, following her into the store. He noticed a large motorcycle parked outside, wondering who it belonged to.

Naturally, his question was quickly answered once he walked into the store and saw a large, surly biker with short black hair dressed in all leather. He eyed him cautiously, wondering if he’d prove to be any sort of problem.

Luke kept an eye on him as he walked behind Katherine.

“What kind of chips do you want?” she asked.

“Get whatever you want,” Luke told her, chipping in with some of the cash he’d brought with him.

“Spicy peanuts?” she called.

“Spicy peanuts,” Luke nodded insistently. “Never thought that would’ve been something I’d need.”

On the way out, Luke watched Katherine’s back, not appreciating the strange way the rough-looking biker was eyeing them. He stiffened as the man approached them, quickly tapping her arm to signal to her.

“Hey,” the quite literally giant man said gruffly.

“What do you want?” Luke asked him, not trusting him at all.

“Calm down kid,” the man said passively, “I’m not macking on your girl.”

Luke turned to the girl, a confused expression on his face. “Of course you’re not, I don’t think anyone has since 1987,” he scowled.

“Luke, shut up,” she sighed, switching her attention over to the man, “What do you want?” she questioned impatiently.

“You two kids are Half-Bloods, right?” the thirty-something year old biker asked.

Katherine’s eyes widened as her hand instinctively went to her lipstick tube in her pocket.

“What do you know about that?” she murmured.

“A lot,” he promised them. “I’ve made quite a few of ‘em myself. Say, sweetheart, you look real familiar to me.”

“I promise you, you don’t know either of us,” Luke said coldly.

“Wasn’t talking to you, blondie,” the man said, slowly creeping towards Katherine. “Oh… I do know you. I met you when I was hanging out with my girl. I knew it! I could never forget that face!”

“Katherine, do you know this guy?” Luke asked, his concern deepening.

“Luke,” she said under her breath, “This is between us.”

“Wait a minute, your name’s not Katherine,” the man said, his voice deepening dangerously as he examined the tall, thin girl. “No, that’s not it… It’s Rose, or Lily, or something, right? Some kind of flower?”

Katherine said nothing, just standing there awkwardly as the main tilted her chin up to get a good look at her.

“Daisy. That’s it,” he purred. “Daisy Montalvo. That’s your real name. I remember you… the scared little girl living on the street. Boy, you seem to be doing pretty good for yourself now. You got a car, and a boyfriend…”

Luke watched in horror as the once strong and confident Katherine practically flinched at the mention of the name. Had she really lied to him about her name? If she had, he had no idea what sort of thing about her past she could’ve been hiding. After all, she’d already told him she’d killed a person. If that was even true.

“Katherine, we need to go,” Luke urged her, not liking the sinister energy between the two.

“Beat it, kid, I wanna talk to Daisy here,” the biker interjected angrily. “You still have that lipstick my girlfriend gave you?”

Katherine nodded wordlessly as Luke looked at her in surprise.

“His girlfriend gave you that spear?” he asked her. “Who even is this guy?”

“Ares!” she whispered, shooting him an angry stare. “Lady Aphrodite gave me that spear. This is Ares, alright?! Now shut the fuck up before you get us both killed!”

“Listen to your little sweetheart, Duke,” the god of war warned him.

“You’re Ares?” Luke asked him skeptically.

“Mm-hmm,” the man crossed his arms, not-so-subtly flexing his arms as the pupils of his eyes were replaced with bright orange flames.

Luke didn’t question him any further.

“Now, Daisy. What have you two gotten yourselves into?”

“Nothing,” Katherine responded coolly. “We’re just passing through.”

“I don’t buy it,” he insisted. “You two are up to something.”

“We’re not up to anything, Lord Ares,” Luke promised, not necessarily sure how to address the immortal god.

“Relax, I didn’t say I wasn’t into it,” he reassured them. “How would you two like to earn a gift from me?”

“Like what?” Katherine asked cautiously.

Ares, the god of violence, bared his jagged, less-than-white teeth in an almost animalistic grin.

“Anything you want,” he promised, leering like a cartoon villain.

“Swear it,” Katherine said immediately. “On the River Styx.”

Luke remained silent, fearing that Ares would lash out at her, which he was definitely known for doing. Luckily, her gall only seemed to amuse the war god.

“I’ll tell you what, girlie. I’ll make you a deal. We can both swear it on the river, that if you do the one thing I ask you to do, without your little bodyguard here interfering, I’ll get you whatever you want, wherever in the world it might be,” he chuckled mischievously.

“Deal,” Katherine decided with finality.

“Hey,” Luke warned, lightly grabbing her arm, “I don’t like this…”

“Hey, you know we could use all the tools we can get,” she reminded him.

“But do you really wanna do whatever he wants you to do?” he asked.

“Yeah. I do. Because it’s up to me,” Katherine told him.

“Why do you wanna help us?” Luke asked.

“Because. Whatever it is you two are doing, I’m sure my dad’ll love it,” Ares laughed heartily. “I love family drama.”

“I swear on the River Styx that if I accept your deal, and do as you say in exchange for what I want, Luke Castellan won’t interfere in any way,” Katherine vowed impulsively. “Now you swear.”

“Hey!” Luke exclaimed, not particularly thrilled that his full name was invoked in a sacred promise on the River Styx.

“That’s the Daisy we know and love,” Ares laughed, his laughter somehow cold and scorching at the exact same time. “You’ve got spunk, kid. I’ll give you that… I swear on the River Styx that, if you do what I’m about to ask of you, I’ll procure and give to you whatever existing object you want,” he granted, seeming satisfied.

Luke was in awe of Katherine’s trust in the god of war of all people, feeling as if she had some sort of death wish. He couldn’t imagine someone as smart and strategic as Katherine putting their faith in this pompous 80’s movie villain.

“Then quit fucking around and tell me what I have to do,” she stared up at him, eyes spiteful and insinuating.

“Katherine!” Luke exclaimed for the umpteenth time. “Shut up?!”

“Holy shit, you’ve got a mouth on you, kid, I love it!” Ares raved. “Nobody talks to me like this! Shit. Alright. First, I gotta get us to where we actually need to be. Here.”

Before Luke and Katherine knew what was happening, Ares had made a point of snapping his fingers and transporting the three of them, in addition to their vehicles, to an undisclosed location. He looked around in confusion, not recognizing the suburban neighborhood they were now standing in, in the dark.

“Where are we?” he asked, surveying his surroundings.

Katherine, however, didn’t seem confused at all.

“What are we doing here?” she looked up at the god, seeming even more on edge. “I said I’d never go back here!”

“That’s the catch, girlie,” Ares reminded her with a grin. “I never said the task was gonna be easy.”

She sighed, realizing she was in a bind. “You know what? Fuck it. Just tell me what you want me to do,” she gave in.

“Is—Is this where you used to live?” Luke asked her.

She refused to answer the question, not taking her eyes off of Ares.

“What do I have to do?” she demanded.

“Simple,” he began mischievously, “Go in… And get that teddy bear.”

Even in the dark, Luke could see Katherine Montalvo’s face go pale as he finished speaking.

“Why do you want me to get that thing?!” she yelled. “I don’t want it!”

Luke had no idea why she seemed so opposed to the simple request, but something told him that the answer to that question was something long and twisted.

“I know you don’t,” Ares taunted her, “That’s why I want you to.”

“You’re sadistic,” Luke cut in furiously, “She’s not playing your sick game!”

“Like hell she isn’t!” Ares shouted at him, fiery pupils reappearing and igniting the darkness. “She wants that prize! She’ll do anything for it!”

“Stay out of this, Luke. I’m doing this for us,” Katherine promised him, her demeanor softening to appeal to his reasoning. “Just let me go in, and get what he wants me to get. Don’t intervene; I swore on the River Styx. You don’t wanna know what happens if you make me break that promise,” she urged him, genuine fear in her eyes.

“…Okay,” Luke agreed shakily, “I trust you.”

“Good,” she nodded, seeming relaxed by the promise.

“But I’m coming with you,” he insisted.

“Fine by me,” Ares said indifferently. “I can make us both invisible. All you gotta do is go in, and get your teddy bear, Daisy.”

“Fine,” she spat, turning to Luke. “I’ll be fine. I promise. Just don’t do anything, and everything will be okay. I’ll get us what we need to find him.”

“Okay,” Luke nodded, feeling as if he were saying some sort of goodbye, “I trust you.”

He said the words a second time, not knowing what else he could say to urge her to make it back.

-

Chapter Five

[hannahbuonaguro]

it’s past three in the morning

my neighbor just left, we had such intense conversations the last few hours

i really can’t with this day, like i just can’t believe it

i cried in the morning at work (with two others) because of all this death and emotion around us

when K left, A said, can you believe this is happening in your coffeeshop?

and i said, yes, i actually can

it makes sense we were all there at once, crying

and how they met and reconnected for the first time in years

right after K’s husband died

merely a day later

the way everything happens makes sense

the way i am here, right in the middle of it, witness to all these lives, makes sense

—

after work i took a nap

in my dream there was a power outage and in the dream i texted my older brother to see if he wanted to have a drink and hang out; in the dream, we lived in the same apartment building

i was getting candles out to light, prepare for the darkness

if i remember correctly, in the dream, i decided to just stay in and work on stuff, as my computer etc still worked, and maybe the power outage didn’t last for very long

in real life: we had canceled dinner plans—or rather, pushed them til tomorrow; we all decided it was for the better 

i made this huge pot of kombu dashi just in case we were meeting up, but knew it could be for tomorrow

other friends are getting shrimp and things to add to it

so woke up from nap and all these crazy dreams and i am drawing this drawing for a group show over and over again

someone is kneeling, someone is at the feet of another, i am drawing it over and over and figuring out the title, i am struggling, i am unsure of what it is i’m trying to convey but it feels apt and it feels pressing and yet in a whole other way i’m like, why make a drawing, why send a drawing, why participate in a group show?

make myself dinner, open a bottle of cider from this local cidery, start cleaning out the closet while watching some dumb tv show

there are piles and piles of drawings and writings all over my room, feels good going through it all

like yeah, i have been writing and drawing and taking film photos for decades now, there is an archive—if only i would actually make it functional

all of a sudden

it’s pitch black

no sound, power’s out

i am in my room—i was just going in there to look through more drawings

i dreamt this already

the darkness is truly darkness, nothing emits light

i lie down on the floor, take it all in

i cannot believe i dreamt this

tears well up in my eyes, i can’t believe i’m always dreaming everything before it happens

i resolve not to find any lights or candles or electronic devices for a bit, just sit with this, this darkness

but then there’s a knock at the door—it’s my neighbor, she’s scared

she’s young and she just moved here

from inside i tell her it’s going to be okay, i tell her to give me a minute

i walk carefully in the darkness, trying to find a shirt to put on so i can greet her, it takes me an unusually long time to find a shirt 

i find one, i light a candle, i find a headlamp, i greet her at the door

i open a bottle of wine for us, we sit and talk for hours and hours

the light comes on after not too long

but we continue to talk

she says it’s crazy we haven’t done this yet

i say it’s only been a week, i’ve been busy, this feels apt

she reminds me of me when i was that age

working so hard, emerging from such dysfunction

i wish i didn’t have to end the conversation but it’s three in the morning and i have to open the cafe in the morning

i have to get my period this week

it is late, and all this crying

if it’s not here in the next few days, i’ll be crying in a different way

i just can’t believe it

all the life and death and light and darkness

now it’s four in the morning, i didn’t expect this

and yet somehow up here, so many days and nights are so unexpected, i never know who i will meet or who will be in my home 

have taken in so many guests these last few weeks—sick, no heat, no electricity, and i somehow have everything we need

[moth-j]

My ending is one of tragedy.

I’ve been doomed by the narrative.

I wasn’t supposed to live this long, that’s why everything is so difficult.

I can’t do it, it’s too much.

I got four different jobs in the past two months and at each one I just stopped showing up because everything felt too futile.

If my job was burning bridges then I’d never worry about money again.

How are you supposed to recover from burn out that has been festering for four years? How am I meant to take a break and heal when I get five calls a day reminding me of all the bills I have yet to pay, or when I’m at the bank begging them to let me do a partial payment because I can’t pay my loan bills let alone the fees if they sue me.

I can’t even write about this and make it pretty, because there’s nothing pretty about going hungry because you can’t afford food, but not being able to go to the food pantry because the only time they’re open is when you’re in class trying to make a better future for yourself.

It genuinely feels like some sick joke. Make the poor people work long, tiring hours but only give out the food and necessities they need when they’re at their job. And make sure to punish them for going back to school after making them feel like shit about dropping out of high school. Make them pick between dinner and failing the class they took out thousands of dollars in loans to attend. And then send them emails every week reminding them that interest is always accruing on those loans, so there will always be more to pay. And then, while you’re at it, send them a letter telling them that they somehow make too much money for food-stamps.

And now your car inspection is coming up, and you have to pay for the registration, don’t forget! Oh, also your storage unit with everything you own is about to get sold off to the highest bidder unless you give us a few hundred dollars right now, and don’t even ask about a partial payment because we don’t do those here!

I am going to commit the largest act of arson the world has ever seen (in minecraft) /j /j

[solaris-sunlight]

I wish I could be normal about receiving gifts. I wish I didn’t feel this nauseating guilt about it every time on is given to me. I wish I didn’t feel so uncomfortable with it. I wish I could be normal about receiving gifts. I was making progress about it and then it’s immediately stomped all over because I can’t be normal about reviving gifts. I keep picturing ways to return it in my head and everything I can imagine ends in getting screamed at even though I know that’s not what would happen. I wish I could be normal. I wish I could react like a normal person. I wish receiving gifts didn’t make me feel nauseas about it for weeks. I wish looking at gifts I’ve received didn’t fill me with dread. I wish I’d kept the progress I mad. I wish I wasn’t going backwards. I wish I wasn’t losing my progress on being ok with it. I wish it wasn’t getting worse. I wish I could just return the gift I got and be done with it but that’s rude and in my head I can only imagine it ending with rage and disappointment even though I know that’s not how it would go. I kept the tag on the gift. I can’t keep it. I can’t regift it to someone else because that’s cruel. I can’t just throw it away because that’s worse. I can’t give it back because that would be throwing someone’s kindness in their face. But I’ve already hidden it so I don’t have to worry about catching a glimpse of it and feeling sick to my stomach with guilt over a gift I don’t deserve or feel comfortable having. I don’t know if I even responded to receiving it normally. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I feel like such a freak. I feel like somehow this is a moral failing on my part. I have to put away the pot on the stove and yet I feel paralyzed by guilt and anxiety because I cannot return the gift tucked beneath four pillows and against the wall near where I sleep because returning it would be cruel. I wish I could be normal about receiving gifts. I wish I could be normal about many things. It’s been a couple days now since I received it. Returning it now would be cruel. I feel paralyzed. I can’t do anything about it. I don’t know what to do with it. It exists in my space and I only feel remorse and guilt. I wish I didn’t know the reason I’d gotten a gift. It’s not something I deserved a gift for. I hate receiving gifts, especially out of nowhere. I hate receiving gifts without being asked first. I want to scream. Maybe I’ll hide it in their backpack with a note apologizing for not just telling them sooner that I was uncomfortable taking it. I wish I could be normal.

[worldofroma]

September 3rd, 2023 Sunday - 9:07pm

school starts on tuesday. what the fuck. i haven’t updated in a while, but man do i have a lot of shit to talk about. so…that dude i was friends with… yeah we dated. my entire work found out which was quite humiliating and annoying but for some reason, his ex was the least bothered by it, in front of me. in front of my other friends who work there…not so much. but hey less conflict and confrontational drama for me right? plus, i said dated, i broke up with him after 3 weeks. yeah. and i kind of feel awful but at the same time i don’t. after i broke up with him (over text btw), i went to the CNE in toronto and got to pay 20$ for a palm reading from a psychic and it felt like a slap in the face.

first of all, she starts off by saying that i need to stop being such a mean person. in other words, she called me a bitch. subtly. and she told me that she can see i have a softer and sweeter side to me and that i should be showing that much more often, but to not let others take advantage of it and let myself become a mother for others. “they have a mother, they do not need you to be a second or third one”. i almost threw up when she said that. she said that i have a lot of work to do when it came to self love and care, thanks. i’m aware. but then she added that i’ll be travelling around the world and i won’t be alone, but she couldn’t tell if i’d be with a lover or a friend. 🤷‍♀️. my step dad said there’s no way i’d travel with a man so i guess i’m either going with a friend or somehow switching sides in the next few years, but i can’t see that ever happening. but then after that she decided to go ahead and tell me that i’ll be happily married at some point in my life with four children. four fucking children. no thank you i like having a uterus that’s inside me not one that’ll fall out spontaneously by the time i’m having a midlife crisis. she also said something about business but i can’t remember exactly what it was she said but it was positive.

but fuck, this wasn’t even the worst part since the last time i’ve wrote an entry, this has just been sitting at the front of my brain since i got the reading. what’s been really important is the fact that i have most definitely been reborn. something over the course of this summer has changed me. i am not the same person i was before school ended and i’m fucking proud of it too. i’m sick of being that girl that just sat at the back of each class, behind the chaos and chatting and laughing that goes on in each of my classes. i want to actually be seen now, but only because i know i am myself now. these past few years of high school, i’ve been stuck. locked up after the disgusting lock downs. but that’s not who i am anymore. and now that i’m free from a boyfriend (i swear i’m not that much of a slut), i can do whatever the hell i want. and i love it. as toxic and stupid as it sounds, i’m literally embodying the manic pixie dream girl persona just because i feel like it. and who’s gonna stop me? that’s another thing i’ve adapted, the mindset of “why care? it’s my life not yours.” i’ve been thinking of changing my name for a while bc of course my real name is not roma, but i want it to be, and many people i know have told me that that’s a stupid idea. it’s cringy. it’s weird. okay… you expect me to care why? it’s my life, my name, why does it matter to you if i change it or not? it’s not like i’ll be treating my real name like a deadname or anything, people i know now can still call me by my real name, but once i’m in university, that name and version of myself is gone. i’ll be roma, and i’ll be whoever the hell i decide to be with each day that passes. and i don’t mean to say that in some kind of emo way either, like it’s some kind of depressive phase of “oh, i feel so trapped here in this stupid small town 💔🥀🫠, i just want to disappear and become a whole new person 😈🚬🪦”. like no. lmfao. i think that’s what a lot of people think when i tell them these things, but trust me, its not. my ideas are more along the lines of taking advantage of the freedom we are given but without crossing the line of “acceptable” behaviour. it’s really just the hippie life style ig. on another topic of being whoever i decide to be, i’ve come to realize how much power i actually could have if i just didn’t care so much. i have a tendency to overthink things, overcare about things, make things awkward because i overthink things way too much. but i’m done with that shit, who really cares? the only thing that matters this year at school is my grades, nothing else. after i graduate, what are the chances i see anyone i go to school with now for the rest of my life? probably extremely slim with my plans for the future including travelling and never fucking returning to bruce county. nothing fucking matters.

back to the topic of how i become a mother for everyone, i hate that. i’ve been researching a lot about it and the correct term for it is parentification and occurs when a child and parents roles are reversed. for example, the child is the one who listens to the parents problems while theres are pushed away or labeled as “nothing to worry about”. i hate that i went through that and i hate that it’s made me unconsciously become everyone around me’s mother. worst part about it is that after i saw the psychic and began thinking about it more, i realized that while i was in the relationship with the dude from my work, i was most definitely just acting like a mother he can touch however he likes which is absolutely disgusting. and i wished i had realized it sooner. hopefully, i can somehow change that.

but yeah, that’s how my august has been. pretty self discovering and yet somehow uneventful. lovely.

[moriiartist]

WRONG TURN (AT THE RIGHT TIME)

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PAIRING: Vampire!Ethoslab x GN!Reader

SUMMARY: It was simple, the arrangement you had with Gem. She would let you study in the library before it opened; you would be gone before her boss came in. So… how did you wind up with a vampire for a history tutor?

WARNINGS: Mild language, death mention, semi-graphic violence, non-consensual touching (you get manhandled a bit, nothing sexual), blood and injury, vampirism

A/N: Etho’s a little spooky in this one... had me feeling some type of way while I was writing him 🥴. This one is a bit longer than some of the other stuff I’ve written, and a bit scarier, but I hope y’all enjoy it anyways!

“Alright, time to pack up. You promised me you would be gone before my boss gets in, and the library opens in an hour.”

You jumped at the sound of a book slamming against the surface of the desk you were sitting at, jerking your head up and away from the paragraph you had been staring at for the past ten minutes. A figure loomed over you like the specter of death, impatiently drumming their fingertips against the flesh of their crossed arms. 

They- or rather, she- affixed you with a glare that could melt steel, green eyes flashing behind the thick rims of her glasses. It took a second longer for your sleep-deprived brain to boot up, but it was almost too easy at this point for you to recognize the face of the library’s chief archivist.

Rubbing at your burning eyes with a forefinger and thumb, you puffed a slow breath through your cheeks. After trying to read by the dim light of the desk lamp for God knows how many hours, they stung like hell. 

“Sorry, Gem. I must’ve lost track of time.”

The librarian, Gem, snorted but allowed her stern gaze to thaw, auburn hair rippling down her back as she tilted her head. “Are you sure you aren’t pushing yourself too hard? I know you want to finish up your degree, but I’m pretty sure you’ve studied here every day this week.” 

You chuckled dryly. Oh, she had no idea.

Your day job took up almost all of the ‘working day’ so to speak, leaving only the darkest hours of the night for you to attend college classes and catch up on homework. However, during those hours, there was nothing you could access beyond what little you could pirate on your shitty laptop and printed course material. 

Which is why Gem is the only thing standing between you and straight-up flunking college. 

Despite her devout adherence to the laws that governed your local city library, you had convinced her with a mix of bribery, guilt-tripping, and groveling to allow you to visit in the early hours before it opened. You were able to read and complete your assignments in peace, but most importantly: you were able to access legitimate, essential, official resources during the only time you had during the day to study.

You felt the muscles in your jaw twitch as you held your smile, hoping it didn’t look too vacant. Or desperate. 

“I’m fine, Gem. Just a bit tired.”

She quirked an eyebrow. “Sorry- have you seen yourself? The bags under your eyes are big enough to carry my groceries.”

You winced.

“Can’t argue with you there.”

If you were being honest, you couldn’t remember the last time you’d gotten more than four hours of sleep in a row- and even that estimate was generous. You pivoted in your seat, making the tactical decision to retreat from Gem’s piercing gaze.

You sighed as you crammed as many books as possible into your backpack, forcing protesting muscles that had long remained stagnant into movement. Whatever didn’t fit you hefted in your arms, making a face halfway between a grimace and a look of abject horror as your back cracked under the weight.

Gem pursed her lips, and somehow you resisted the urge to groan. This was an old argument that the two of you had hashed and re-hashed ever since she’d let you come into the library during closing hours, and you were sick of having to defend yourself.

“You can’t keep burning the candle at both ends. You look like you’re going to keel over at any second.”

“Well,” you laughed airily, the lightness of your voice at odds with the abject exhaustion in your expression. “It’s not like there’s anything I can do. I need to earn my degree, and you know that night classes are the only thing I can afford to take.”

Pausing for a moment, you snorted. “Both literally and figuratively.”

“You’re going to kill yourself at this rate,” Gem sighed, her normally lively countenance as deadpan as she could make it.

“No, I don’t think so. Not if you get to me first.”

A beat of silence.

“... Fair enough.”

It was routine for you to haul your backpack onto your shoulders, Gem helping you with the straps, and wave a harried goodbye to Gem as you slipped out the library’s back door. At her insistence, you promised to text her when you returned to your apartment so she knew you had gotten back safely. 

You shivered, clutching your books tighter to your chest as the warmth of the indoors faded, leaving you to the mercy of Autumn’s chilled embrace. 

It was no exaggeration that your free hours landed squarely in the dead of night- because although you had been up for hours, the sky was still as dark as pitch. Only the barest hint of starlight shone through the inky blackness, and though logically, you knew it was because of light pollution, some part of you wondered if the entirety of the milky way had been swallowed whole.

While the library was laid deep within the city’s heart, it was directly at the center of the entertainment district. Meaning that, despite the late (or early) hour, the city streets surrounding the library were just as busy during the night as they were during the day. Restaurants, bars, nightclubs, and… other businesses lined the street, the light from their illuminated windows and neon signs shining like rainbows against the pavement.

Across the street, raucous laughter resounded from within a bar. The sound bounced eerily across the pavement and crowded walls of the buildings that rose like silhouettes from the ground. You flinched as you heard the sound of shattering glass, accompanied by loud cheering, wrinkling your nose against the sharp sting of early winter frost and the pungent scent of booze.

You quickened your pace, dodging and weaving through flocks of tourists that ranged from mildly inebriated to flat-out drunk, barely managing to keep yourself balanced under the awkward weight of your backpack. The idea of being caught up in whatever illicit business went down in the cramped alleyways and seedy taverns that garnished the area like sprinkles on a cake was far from appealing- especially with the whole ‘living alone’ thing.

At the next street, you finally made the turn that led you away from the throngs of frat boys and bar-flies into the residential areas that sprouted just a ways off from popular tourist destinations. 

Although you had made the journey countless times, it never ceased to startle you just how quickly the general cacophony of shouting and laughter faded away with a few blocks of distance. It was much, much quieter here; the only sounds were the gentle tap-tap-tap of your shoes against the concrete and the occasional rush of a car driving by.

Windows of houses looked more like dark, empty eyes as you passed them, and the further you got from the entertainment district, the easier it was to pretend that you were the only person on earth. A sharp gust of wind suddenly howled through the trees, rattling leaves and raking icy claws across your skin.

You gasped as a shiver snaked its way down your spine, instinctually clutching your books tighter to your chest in an effort to conserve warmth. Cursing softly, you shed through your coat pocket to find your phone, exclaiming in victory as your fingers wrapped around it. Clicking it open, you blinked in surprise once you spotted the time: 5:00 AM.

Huh. That was definitely waayyy later than you had originally expected… and you had to get to work at 8:30. A high-pitched whine rose in the back of your throat. 

Say goodbye to any chance you could’ve had at a (barely) decent sleep, because at this rate? It would be a miracle if you could get home in time to shower and eat.

You were so focused on your phone that you almost didn’t process the electric hum that filled the air, the lone streetlight ahead flickering in and out to the beat of your footsteps. Catching the flashing from your periphery, you glanced up with a frown. 

Now- you weren’t an electrician, or really anyone skilled in the engineering field, but… you were fairly certain that it shouldn’t be making that loud, electric humming noise. You halted in your steps, tilting your head and squinting your eyes at the malfunctioning lamp. It flickered one more time, weakly, before plunging you into shadow.

If you thought that the night was dark before, surrounded by light and the nightlife, it paled in comparison to the true darkness that descended upon you like a cloak. One moment, you’re perfectly fine, and the next, you can hardly see the shape of your body against the pavement.

Another shiver wracked your body- but it felt different from a chill. Something inside your brain had begun frantically ringing alarm bells, and you could only desperately search for some kind of stressor as the hair on the back of your neck rose to attention.

Shakily, you exhaled, spinning in one, slow circle. There was the faint outline of a parked car, engine silent and sleeping, the houses, the trees- nothing. Nothing that would make your anxiety levels swing from ‘manageable’ to ‘DEFCON one’.

You turned back around, your previously relaxed pace discarded in favor of a light jog. It was all you could do not to fall on your ass as your backpack shifted and bounced with your downstep, and your chest felt tight as panic began to seep in.

What the hell is going on?

Something clattered behind you, and your breath seized in your lungs. The burning was hardly an afterthought because you were sprinting, stumbling and dropping your own books in your haste to get away from something you couldn’t- or wouldn’t- see.

You were so close you could see the gleam of the next streetlight up above. Your inhales were more like sobbing gasps of air, and distantly you felt the dampness of your cheeks as tears sluiced down them. 

You were so close.

But it was never like you had the chance to escape, anyway.

A calloused hand wrapped around your wrist, yanking it and the rest of your body back. Hard. 

All of the wind was knocked out of you as you slammed into the ground, hands and knees shrieking with agony as the pavement grain shredded the skin. The books within your bag did little to soften the fall, their hard spines digging into your ribs through the material of your bag.

Spots danced in front of your eyes, and you felt like you were moving through molasses as a pair of shiny dress shoes strolled into view. You didn’t want to see their face. Something visceral within you begged you to make yourself as small as possible- not a threat, nothing of interest.

Still, your traitorous gaze drifted upwards, and you felt the blood drain from your face as you stared straight up into a pair of ruby-red eyes.

“My, don’t you smell divine.”

You tried to scream, but it came out more like a choked gasp as your lungs came up empty.

This wasn’t- you had to be hallucinating. This had to be something that your sleep-deprived brain had dreamed up, safe and asleep in your bed.

Vampires weren’t real. 

But, as it grinned with razor-sharp fangs, face alight with nothing but hunger, it was impossible to say it was anything else as it dug sharp, talon-like nails into your open wound.

Pain, quick as lightning and ten times more intense sparked through your nervous system, wringing a punched-out gasp from your throat. The periphery of your eyes darkened, and for a moment you genuinely thought that you would pass out from sheer agony as you desperately tried (and failed) to tear its wrist away. 

It chuckled, twisting its claws in deeper to draw a proper scream out of you, humming in approval before it pulled them out. You went lax, heaving for breath as it lapped at the sticky blood- your blood- coating its fingers.

Your eyes fluttered open, and you realized that it was watching you. Crouched on the side of the street, inspecting you with a calculating gaze not dissimilar from how a fox inspects a cornered rabbit.

“Oh,” it said, a grin that was entirely too wide creeping across its face. “Yes. You taste even better than I thought you would.”

Feeling your breaths come faster and faster as fresh tears prickled at the corners of your eyes, you pressed your palm to your mouth, only succeeding in smearing the blood that covered it all over your chin. 

So this was how you died. Alone, scared, and covered in your own blood, pinned down in the middle of the street by a creature you thought only existed in classical literature and trashy romance novels.

And, to top it all off, you had never even graduated college.

The vampire shifted, and you flinched at the sensation of its talons scraping at the soft flesh of your neck. You knew what happened next if the stories were to be believed, but terror had frozen your limbs as thoroughly as rigor mortis.

You swallowed, squeezing your eyes shut.

And promptly had them fly back open as the vampire shot back in a blur of snarling and snapping limbs, hitting the ground several meters away from you with a loud crack.

Transfixed, you could only watch with a dumbfounded expression as a cloaked figure appeared to teleport in front of you, hissing lowly. The vampire was on its feet before you could blink, its handsome features twisted into an animalistic snarl before it locked gazes with… whatever was blocking its path to you.

If you didn’t feel like you were about to pass out, you would’ve thought how quickly its expression changed from ardor to pure, unadulterated terror was hilarious. 

“You,” it breathed, every muscle in its body snapping with tension. “You’re not supposed to be here.”

Sheer survival instinct had kept your focus solely on the vampire that had cornered you, but the fear that radiated it was enough of a surprise that you found yourself glancing over towards whatever was perpetrating it.

One time, after you had gotten off work and had nothing else to do, you decided to watch a documentary series about tropical rainforest animals. For the most part, it was just background noise to help you fall asleep, but you found yourself engrossed when a particular segment about leopards began.

All you could think of, now that you were looking at the cloaked figure, was just how still they were. They didn’t move a muscle, not even where a normal person would’ve begun to cramp after a few seconds. They didn’t even seem to be breathing.

They reminded you of those leopards that you had watched. Especially in the way that those leopards went when they were hunting.

“Who says where I can and can’t be?” they, or rather, he said, masculine voice smooth and calm. “It’s certainly not your job.”

Sensing an opportunity to get the hell out of dodge, you grit your teeth as you shifted onto your hands and knees, slowly pushing yourself up into a crouch. The raw and ragged skin on your knees screamed in protest as it pulled taut, and you had to bite your tongue to stifle your soft sounds of pain.

The vampire’s jaw worked, and even as it drew itself up to its full height, you noted it was much taller than whatever had decided to intervene. (Something was wearing that cloak, but if he was an actual human person, you would eat your hat.)

The cloaked figure titled his head. “If you know what’s good for you, you should leave.”

You froze in place, heart jack-hammering in your ribs. Was he talking to you?

He went on- “Wouldn’t want to break any more rules. The covenant will have your head.”

For a long, tense moment, nothing happened. The wind whistled down the street. In the distance, police sirens wailed.

You didn’t dare move- not when the air itself felt charged, waiting for something to snap.

Then, the vampire growled, lips pulling back from their teeth wolfishly as they reluctantly bowed. Flabbergasted, you watched as it reluctantly melted back into the shadows, the red gleam of its eyes the last thing to fade to black.

The only thing you could hear was your heart thumping in your ears.

After a moment, the cloaked figure’s head turned deliberately towards where your crumpled form was hunched over, and you hastily scrabbled to your feet, Balling your hands up into fists. you trembled, staring him down.

“Are you alright?”

You don’t know what you would do if he decided to attack you, but you weren’t going to take it kneeling- not when you still felt the burn of humiliation for remaining paralyzed by terror. To your continuing horror, he took your silence as an invitation to step forward.

“Stay back,” you bit out, adrenaline buzzing through your veins. “I will not hesitate to punch you in your stupid face.”

Impressively, although you couldn’t make out his face with the shadows that clung to the hood of his cloak, you could see him do a double-take. “... Sorry?”

“You better be,” you muttered, eyes flickering to and fro as you tried to find a good escape route.

To your surprise, he hesitated, murmuring something under his breath that you couldn’t make out. He cleared his throat, shifting on his feet. “I am, if that makes you feel any better. You aren’t supposed to be attacked like this, it’s… uncivilized.”

Gaze snapping back to him, your brows raised incredulously. “Really? You’re not just saying that so that I let my guard down? And then you kill me and steal all my blood?”

“If I wanted to ‘steal all your blood’ I would’ve done it already.”

You deadpanned. “That’s not as comforting as you think it is.”

He took another step, but before you could threaten him again, pulled the hood of his cloak down. By now, your eyes had adjusted to the light (or lack thereof), and you found yourself sucking in a harsh breath.

Although you had guessed, what you saw definitely revealed him to be another vampire. His hair, a close-cropped shock of white, stood out against the darkness of the surrounding street.

You couldn’t describe the way that he was looking at you if you tried. His eyes burned like hot coals, pinned on you with a kind of unyielding focus that made your arms prickle with goosebumps. It both struck you as similar to that other vampire’s regard, a predator watching prey, but it was distinctly different- more like he was cataloging the rise and fall of your breath, the grinding of your shoe heel into the pavement.

A black mask- one of those anime ones that you couldn’t bother to remember the name of- hung around his neck, ready to be pulled up without a second’s notice. It looked well-cared for, despite being a little worn around the edges, and he fiddled with it absently as your gaze swept over him.

The most glaring thing about his appearance was the fact that he was almost flawlessly handsome, skin unblemished, bone structure pristine. The only thing that marred him was the long, thin scar that cut across his left eye, splitting his eyebrow in half.

“Even if you are pretty, I still won’t hesitate to punch you in the nose.”

He barked a laugh, fangs- holy shit his fangs- flashing. For some reason, he seemed pleased at your jab, chest puffing out slightly. “So you think I’m pretty?”

“Do I look like someone that would be attracted to an overgrown mosquito?” you scoffed, eyeing his shrewdly. “And a vain one, at that.”

He paused for a moment, staring at you, and you felt the fear that had temporarily abated come back in full force. One of these days, you were going to take a vow of silence so you could never say anything stupid ever again. 

You swallowed, hugging your arms tight to your body as you leaned away. In a blink, he was suddenly, much, much closer, and you swore as you jumped. 

“No,” the vampire said abruptly, tilting his head in a predatory manner. A smile split across his face, and a confident gleam arose within his eyes as his hand came up to grab your chin firmly. (Privately, you were relieved to find that he clipped his nails like a normal human being.)

“But you do look like someone who knows something they shouldn’t.”

You thrashed in his grip, eventually stilling with your palms pressed flat to his chest. Although you were pushing as hard as you could, it didn’t seem to affect him. 

You laughed, a little bit hysterical. “Oh, so now you’re going to kill me?” 

His fingers drummed against the flesh of your cheek. Languidly running his tongue against the swell of his upper lip, he cocked his head to the other side. You winced as you heard the vertebrae in his neck crack. 

“What could I give you to keep you quiet?”

You blinked, taken aback by his jarringly serious tone.

“What?”

“What do you want? Money? Favors? What would convince you to keep your mouth shut?” he pressed, eyes narrowing, Distantly, you noted that his eyelashes were as pale as the hair on top of his head. “We’ve got kind of a secret society thing going on, y’anno, and we don’t need you blabbing.”

Confused, you shifted, and his hand came up to squish your cheeks until your lips puckered like a fish’s. You tensed but didn’t attempt to move.  “‘Oul’nt you j’st kill ‘m?”

He smirked, ruby red eyes gleaming. “Yes, but it would be a shame. You’re funny.”

You batted his hand away, staring at him. He… seemed sincere, or he could just be a very skilled liar. It was more than likely that both were true, and whatever you did, it would be a gamble.

“... A tutor,” you said after several moments of silence, voice laced with quiet certainty. “That’s what I need. A tutor.”

He stared at you. You stared at him. There was a lot of staring at one another.

“That’s it? ”

You shrugged. “College is hell.”

“Not cash, or fame, or… cash…” the vampire frowned. “Everyone asks for cash.”

“I guess I’m just built different,” you said, as if you weren’t running on less than half of the minimum sleep quota and hubris. 

You would be kicking yourself later when you sprung out of bed, wild-eyed as you beheld the healing cuts that littered your knees and palms, but right now? You were absolutely not in the right mindset to be making pacts with a creature of the night.

“Alrighty then,” he said after a moment, letting go of your face in favor of offering you his other hand. “It’s a deal.”

You, with all the bravado and lack of self-awareness that only a college senior could possess, took it.

He grinned, and in a blink, a solid chest bumped into your back. There was no heat to your proximity other than your startled flush, even as the vampire’s cold breath caressed the shell of your ear.

“The name’s Etho. I have a hunch that you and I... we’re going to have a lot of fun together.”

The crack of your fist hitting his face resounded through the street, drawing a startled hiss from the vampire.

Well, he couldn’t say you didn’t warn him.

@blufr0st​ @itsonlydana​ @amearla​ @bapthadapper​ @redactedsouls​ @sina-the-idiot @icarusthefoolish​ @blockyshieldmaiden​ @lunarheartsposts​

[because-of-a-friend]

Should I Hold Your Hand?

MASTERLIST

Not me completing the Halloween fics in May... Oops. I’m trying to be better with my time management guys, it’s just a little hard because I started writing four books at once because I’m stupid I guess??? But I’ve hit sort of a lull with those projects so I’m gonna start working on some drafts here to pick myself back up! Let’s just consider this as me being super early for the next Halloween season lol

Thanks for the request anon! Hope you like it! I only have three drafts left after this one and then I’ll start answering inbox requests! 

Remember gifs aren’t mine, link to OP is on the bottom if you want to go give the original creator some love!

SORRY I LET THIS ACCOUNT DIE FOR AWHILE GUYS :((((

Word Count: 1.1K

Warnings: People watching a scary movie and getting a lil scared, let me know if I missed any!

You and Wonwoo had only been official for around a week

He had asked you if he could be your boyfriend after only a few dates

Which meant despite officially being your boyfriend

The two of you were still in the stage of learning about each other and trying to fit into each other’s lives

Which is why you frantically readjusted everything in your house over and over and over again before he came over for movie night

“I should put the throw pillows on the couch and the blanket on the chair”

...

“No that’s stupid, it should be the other way around”

You wring your hands as you walk around and inspect any part of the house he might be in as if you’ll stumble upon a giant mess you had somehow missed while cleaning

You set out snacks and drinks and just hope your new bf will have a good time

Three sharp knocks sound on your door and you practically sprint to open it

“Hi!” you greet, trying not to sound so nervous over him being in your house for the first time

“Hey, babe,” he gives you one of his winning smiles before leaning in to kiss your cheek

He looks so darling in his hoodie and sweats and you’re just so excited to have a casual night in with him

The two of you spend a good amount of time snacking and talking about your days

Wonwoo keeps subtly scooting closer to you on the couch and you’re practically grinning at the action

Your knee is resting on his thigh by the time he finally asks you what movie you had planned on the two of you watching

“Oh... well I don’t know if you like horror movies but...”

You trail off and try to guage his reaction

Wonwoo smiles at you, “The boys make me watch whatever they want, we can watch anything you want”

He leans up to brush his thumb across your hairline

Your heart skips a beat at the action and you lean away quickly to grab the remote and hope he doesn’t see how flustered you got over one touch

He does notice but he keeps the wide smile on his face to himself, willing it to reduce once you turn back towards him

For the first twenty or so minutes of the movie, Wonwoo is just trying to find ways to get closer to you, hardly even paying attention to the screen in front of him

He settles for pressing his side against yours and picking up snacks that are on your side of the coffee table so he has an excuse to lean over you and set his hand on your knee- even if it’s just for a second

But then the movie suddenly gets really intense really quickly

Enough to grab both of your attentions away from taking chances to steal glances at each other

Wonwoo realizes that your taste in horror movies might be outside his wheelhouse- in fact it’s even a little more intense than the movies that the horror fanatics in the dorm watch

He starts to feel a little nervous as his mind wanders with all the scenarios the movie presents

The next time you feel Wonwoo’s hand on your knee, it is significantly warmer

You turn quickly to face him, wondering if he’s getting sick

But you’re met with the sight of Wonwoo absolutely enraptured with the film, his eyebrows in a deep furrow

He’s pulling his bottom lip inwards to chew on it

It makes you want to pull him into your arms straight away but you resist, you already knew Wonwoo preferred to be the one to initiate physical contact and also preferred for it to be short and sweet and you didn’t want to push it with the relationship being so new

So you let him keep his hand on your knee and continued to check on him every few minutes 

His grip keeps tightening on your leg until you finally decide to speak up

He jumps when you say, “We can watch something else”

You laugh a little in surprise at his reaction

“Wonwoo are you ok?”

He nods and smiles at his own reaction

“Sorry, I guess I just got too wrapped up in the movie. It’s ok, we can keep watching!”

“Are you sure? I didn’t even ask what kind of movies you like...”

“[Y/N], baby, it’s really ok.”

...

“Should I hold your hand?”

Wonwoo turns red at your question and ducks his head ever so slightly

He lifts his hand up from your knee, enough for you to slip your hand into his

It’s hot and sweaty and so uncomfortable but it’s still one of the best moments from the beginning of your relationship

Wonwoo uses this connection between the two of you as leverage to pull you closer as the movie continues and increases in fear factor

It doesn’t go unnoticed by you

You finally invite him in by opening your arms up and giving him the freedom to accept the embrace or turn away

Wonwoo grins as he settles into your arms

You talk him through the movie, trying to tell him jokes to keep him happy while you stroke his hair

It’s only when the credits are rolling that you notice he’s sleeping

You selfishly stay there for awhile, appreciating the way he snuggles into you and presses his nose against your neck

But you remember him saying that he has to be awake early the next morning

He needs to get back to the dorm so he can get a good night’s sleep

You start tracing a finger up and down his back

“Wonwoo,” you coo, “you have to get home”

He groans before fitting his arms around your waist and squeezing

You ruffle the hair at the back of his head, “Wonwoo, hey, get up”

He groans again, digs his nose further into your neck before finally relenting and sitting back

You help him brush his hair out of his face

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to sleep”

“No complaints here” you gesture to his arms still around you

Wonwoo gives you a goofy smile before leaning in and brushing his nose against yours before fully getting up off the couch

You follow him into the kitchen and get him a glass of water

“I’m still sorry, though,” Wonwoo keeps a grip on your sleeve as he follows you around, “I’ll plan another date night for us soon”

“Then I definitely have no complaints”

Wonwoo surprises you one last time as he says goodbye, sneaking a hand around your waist and pulling you into him

His lips meet yours and in his sleepy state, he shamelessly gives you a heated and intense kiss

You’re breathless when he pulls away

He gives you a tired smile before walking out the door and promising the text you soon

[its-deputy-caleb]

How would the Lord’s be with a s/o who’s short like 5’0 but they’re super sweet but can be feisty

Heyy so i’ve been sick recently so this may not be as good as always and it’s a little rushed but i hope it’s not too bad! but this was still always enjoyable to write as always! enjoy

Alcina Dimitrescu

Alcina is lecturing one of the maidens for leaving one of the windows open when she feels something tapping on her leg.

Her eyebrow raises when she finds you tugging on the fabric of her dress, your hands covered in blood.

She picks you up by the back of your shirt as you give her the brightest but cheekiest smile.

“Now what have you been up to in these castle walls that has led you to put blood all over my dress.”

Your legs dangle in the air as you explain that you’ve spend the last four hours running around in the cellars and dungeons trying to find hidden trinkets. You didn’t anticipate to run into an array of grim reaper type creatures but you never turned down a challenge.

“My my, it seems you have been busy.”

Alcina throws you over her shoulder and carries you into her private quarters before she practically dumps you in the bath that swallows you.

“You, my dear are not coming to dinner looking like that.”

She’s seated on the edge of the tub, gloves removed as she rubs her expensive rose scented shampoo in your hair. For a moment it’s quite peaceful.

You’re ever the troublemaker and considering Alcina’s dress was already dirty you couldn’t help but splash water on her.

She grasps but plays into your cheeky ways and splashes you back just as playfully until you’re both soapy and covered in water.

You both dress for dinner with Alcina insisting you wear some of your more finer clothes but you still manage to pull some buttons loose here and there.

Although you’re a wild one, bouncing down the hallway and nearly knocking over one of Alcina’s fine porcelain vases, you still take her hand in yours and walk proudly into the dinner room with your lady.

You take your place at the dining table next to Alcina, your chair significantly higher to sit comfortably but she definitely pampered you with some of the finest cushions to boost you up.

Still you can’t help but feel happy and full of joy to see your family and that only lifts your mood further.

Donna Beneviento

Donna walks into the lounge room to find you chasing angie around, trying to get to her from behind the couch.

“You’ll never take me alive!!”

You’re just as crazy and rambunctious as Angie, the two of you instantly getting along. Donna smiles when she finds that Angie finally found a friend and she’s thrilled that Angie is taken with you.

“Will you two calm down before you break something!”

The two of you stop to stare at Donna who is holding a porcelain doll in her hands to stop it from being broken as you practically jump around the room.

But somehow through all your wildness you have a soft spot for Donna. Slowing your movements and walking up to her, you wrap your arms around her neck and hide your head under her chin.

“I’m sorry Dons, will you come exploring with Angie and I in the mountains??”

With you and Angie on either side of Donna, the three of you spend your afternoon exploring the caves near the waterfall.

Jumping over pools of rocks and mini cliffs, you always go first holding your hand out to Donna each time so she can hold onto while she jumps.

You’re always there to catch her too. It’s a little hard when you’re smaller than her but you’d never let her fall.

Eventually you come to an opening in one of the caves. The view is spectacular, with the waterfall cascading down and catching the fading light beautifully.

Your hand is in Donna’s gently rubbing your thumb on the back of her hand. However in a split second Angie comes up and surprises her with a loud BOO.

Donna’s surprised shriek rings in the cave she thinks she’s going to fall from the height of the cave, Angie’s creepy laughter eventually drowns it out.

You wrap your arms around her, keeping a calm but gentle hand on the back of her head to steady her.

“It’s alright, I gotcha now”

You hug Donna tightly, death glaring Angie behind her shoulder. When you pull away, you take Donna’s face and cradle it gently in your hands.

“Common, lets go home I could do with a nice warm cup of tea to go with a good book.”

Even though Donna was less adventurous as you were, she always enjoyed running around with you and Angie but you always spoiled her afterwards with a warm night in under blankets and warm tea while you read to her.

Salvatore Moreau

Salvatore was walking around the windmill trying to find you when he’s interrupted by a rather loud noise.

“HEY SAL GUESS WHO’S FINALLY TALLER THAN U??”

He audibly grasps when he sees you sitting on the wooden sail of windmill, smiling down on him.

You jump down and land in front of him, giggling at the small scream that leaves him. Stepping forward and into his space you place a kiss on his cheek.

“It’s me!!”

You take Salvatore’s hand in your own and lead him to explore all the nooks and crannies of the windmill with him.

Eventually you run off from him and hide behind one of the wooden crates stacked in the corner.

Poor Salvatore is confused by where you’ve gone trying to find you frantically as he runs around looking for you. You had the advantage however, being small had its perks sometimes.

When he’s not looking you run up and jump him from behind, your hands wrapping around his neck as you cling to him.

His laugh bounces off the valley and he spins around with you in a piggyback. One of your favourite things is making him laugh.

You spend the next few hours playing what is basically hide and seek as you run around all through the windmills, reservoir and mines doing your best to stay clear of any lycans.

You’re a wild card in Salvatore’s otherwise quiet life, but he loves you nonetheless. But you don’t miss the way his hand clings to yours in a death grip.

However, sometimes you’re a little too wild for his comfort zone and he definitely refused to do the zip line with you. But he cheered for you from his place on the ground because he never wants you to change the way you are. To him, you’re perfect.

Karl Heisenberg

Karl is always used to strange noises and loud bangs within the factory, but after living there for as long as he had; he can always tell when somethings out of place.

A rather large crash rings throughout the halls of the factory and Karl begrudgingly puts out his cigar, hoping that one of the Soldats hadn’t broken any of his equipment.

When he walks into a smelting room he finds you on the floor with metal boxes all over you and you buried under the toppled over shelf.

Karl flicks his wrist and all the metal moves to the corner of the room to reveal you huffing your hair out of your face.

You were looking for a mould to craft a new dagger with, sorting through the assortment of boxes when it all came falling down on top of you.

Karl moves his wrist once more, moving the mould you were looking for to his hand, a smug look on his face. He knew. For the last few weeks he’d seen you eyeing out that mould when you came to sit with him while he worked.

“Looking for something?”

You stand to your feet and try to snatch it out of his hand. Karl sees you coming from a mile away and holds it above your head, he doesn’t even need to use his powers for this one, his arm will do just fine.

He’s cocky and can’t help but torment the thing over your head like a child but in an instant you have him tackled to the ground. Now that one he didn’t see coming.

“Don’t think for a moment Heisenberg that just because I’m small that i couldn’t totally kick your ass if i needed to.”

Now you’re the one to be cocky as Karl stares in awe up at you, it took a lot of strength and maybe a hint of luck to bring down someone as powerful as him.

Eventually you let him up from his kindly uncomfortable position on the floor, his back strained against the metal grates. You totally don’t threaten to throw him at Alcina’s doorstep if he doesn’t make that new dagger for you.

Karl loved that about you, how feisty and wild you could be. It meant you were a great training partner and both of you either trained together often. Being small had its too. One thing Karl lacked was finesse and you were much more agile and skilled in your movements.

Other times you’d help Karl out in the factory by lifting boxes of scrap metal or even welding some of the weapons. He absolutely loved that about you, how he could easily be comfortable with you and his heart swelled when he could teach you all that he knew about metal. For the first time in a long time it felt like someone was on his side.

One day Karl saw you take a Soldat out with your new dagger and to say that it didn’t scare the shit out of him would be a fucking lie. Soldats were taller than him for christ sake.

Karl loved you though. He loved how fierce you were but you had the heart of gold and to him, you were this perfect little being that made his heart beat twice as fast when he was with you.

He loved that you could hold your own and would stand up to anyone but in the closed doors of the factory he got to see a softer more tender side of you filled with tender kisses and tight hugs.

[nat-20s]

8 for jmart?

#8- constantly cheacking their messages for words from the other

what else was I gonna do? here's some classic ol' season 3 pining babey

Hello Martin. This is Jon. I have gotten a new phone after losing my last one, please put in the new number.

It's a simple message. Straightforward, factual, and utilitarian. There is no reason that pressing send should make his heart race. There's especially no reason that the second he sends it off, he's tempted to lie on the deeply uncomfortable, likely bedbug infested motel mattress staring at his screen until he gets a response. Sure, he's sick of being overseas, and he's sick of being so isolated, and he's sick of running, but he's not...desperate for what little companionship can even be provided by words on a screen.

He does miss Martin, though. He misses Tim as well, but in a manner that's significantly more complex and knotted than the simple desire to be around him.

God, when did he start wanting to just be around Martin? He started being aware of that want when he was at Georgie's, but he has no idea when the want itself actually started. That was probably something he should examine. Technically speaking, that is something that he has time to examine, but he doesn't want to examine right now. Right now, he wants the comfort of perhaps one of the only people out there that doesn't want to kill him, or use him, or both.

Martin, whether through somehow sensing Jon's discontent from nearly 4000 miles away or, more likely, through a general dutifulness inherent to his character, only takes a few minutes to reply. Oh good! it'd been a little bit since hearing from you, we were somewhat worried. putting you in my contacts as we speak :)!

Saying that "we" were worried is almost certainly generous on Martin's part, but Jon feels no need to point that out. Instead he turns on his side and stares at the phone. He particularly focuses on the smiley face, ridiculously charmed by the fact that, despite everything, Martin hasn't lost his predilection for emojis. Two years ago, he would've rolled his eyes, maybe thought something snide about professionalism. It wouldn't have been fair, as Tim used to do the same thing and he thought nothing of it, but he wasn't fair back then. Now, he simply wonders if he can get away with sending one back.

Before he can respond, Martin sends another message. Are you actually alright? I realized I was kind of assuming that losing your phone was the only reason you were MIA, but is anything else going on?

Damn. He tends to forget how perceptive Martin can be. What, exactly, Martin had perceived in that first message, Jon couldn't be sure, but apparently there was something that tipped him off to the..eventful last week he'd had. He really, really doesn't feel like getting into all of that right now, especially not over text, so instead he replies a mostly truthful I'm fine.

Then, squinting at the screen and realizing that might come across as a dismissal, he adds, Well, other than trying not to contemplate the general sanitation practices of a motel that clearly hasn't updated it's decor since the 70s. I'm suspecting the sheets are much the same.

He doesn't know how Martin will react to the message. He can't see the face he'll make, won't know the tone of his voice. However, he likes to imagine that Martin will at least smile. Maybe he'll even give that breath of a laugh, the one that sometimes happens when Jon's being lightly acerbic and it's not directed at him. He doesn't know, but he does hope for it. Martin texts back Oof. Maybe sleep on top of the covers tonight, yeah?, and Jon thinks that he might have guessed Martin's reaction correctly.

Christ, who knew all it took was a combination of jetlag and threats to turn him into a sap. He needs to sleep. He really needs a deep, proper, uninterrupted sleep, one lasting a minimum of eight hours and ideally closer to fifteen. Checking the time, it would be a fairly reasonable time to sleep, especially with the early start he has tomorrow. He considers sending off a quick good night message, but then has the realization that as reasonable as it is for him to be asleep right now, it's just as unreasonable for Martin to be awake. Are you alright? Good lord, Martin, it's almost 4am over there. Did I wake you?

Barely 30 seconds pass before he gets back no, you're good!

A beat, then a follow up message. I've had a irregular sleep schedule since I was like 16. A lot of evening and night shifts had a lasting impact u know? Working at the institute made it a bit more consistent but it's still p rare that i sleep the same eight hours night to night.

Jon's starts to text back something sympathetic; he's had his own struggles with both in- and hyper- somnia, but his phone buzzes in his hand before he can finish it.

Sorry! That was uh probably more information than you wanted.

Well, that just won't do. Even if there wasn't a part of his brain that had recently started collecting facts about Martin like they were precious jewels instead of mostly mundane stories, he doesn't want Martin to think he can't talk to him about things outside of the standard bounds of coworkers. Not at all. We're friends, Martin, I enjoy learning about you.

His brain wants to catastrophize the second he presses send. For the first minute that Martin doesn't reply, he doesn't let it. After the second minute, he allows the minor worry to become more severe. Had it been too much? Were they friends? Jon certainly thought so, but what if Martin wasn't in the same boat? Their interactions had been entirely friendly for months now, but what if that was just Martin being polite? God, what if Martin still thought of Jon as his boss, nothing more?

Ten minutes. It takes ten minutes for Martin to finally respond, and Jon has almost called him four times to explain himself. Ten minutes, and the first response is only Oh!

Then: Cool

Well, that's not a "piss off and die", but it's not exactly comforting. Jon doesn't know how to reply, staring at the words on his screen and not entirely sure if he's fucked up or not. Fortunately, Martin's not done responding, and the next message is much, much better.

Hey uh. Feel free to say no I know it's getting late over there but. Im not getting back to sleep for the rest of the day and itd be nice to actually hear you. Would you be okay with a call?

Without a moment's hesitation, he texts back Yes!, exclamation and all, because he's become someone he barely recognizes. The phone rings just as immediately, and he feels his entire body relax at Martin's first "Hello?"

Things are difficult right now. Things have been difficult ever since the promotion that was a curse in disguise. The world is filled with monsters he barely understands. He wishes he was home despite the fact that he barely recognizes it, as filled with tension and strife as it is. There's so much to discuss, so many things they should be hammering out. But right now, the threats are not pressing. Right now, he can hear about the bad true crime documentary Martin half-watched before he got Jon's texts, and Jon can bitch about the three different "pip pip cheerio" comments he's gotten since coming over seas. Right now, and for the hour before Jon drifts off, breathing slow and deep, he can pretend that this is an ordinary phone call, in an ordinary world, between two people who simply miss each other an extraordinary amount.

[folklorelise]

Captain’s girlfriend being the Mom of the survey corps

You are Levi’s girlfriend, and you LOVE taking care of these kids.

  - Background story

As a kid, you grew up next to Levi and his mother’s door. Your mothers knew each other since they used to work together. You and Levi very soon became inseparable. You would always play together during daytime; you would sleep together too because neither of you wanted to leave each other. You mother died when you were four, and very soon after that a farmer came and took you in. You tried to resist because you wanted to stay with Levi but the military police intervened. You didn’t even get to say goodbye to Levi and you were gone. Levi did not understand why from one day to another, you just disappeared. He asked his mom where you were, but she had no idea too.

”Is it because she doesn’t love me anymore?” Levi wondered.

”I’m sure she loves you, don’t worry about that my angel.” Kuchel reassured him while hugging him.

On your side, the farmer told you that he was your father. Your mother had succeeded, somehow, to send him a letter telling him how she knew she was sick. As a dying wish, she asked him to come and take care of you.

”I want to go back! I have a friend there and I didn’t get to say goodbye.”

”I’m sorry but the Underground is dangerous. You’re much safer here in wall Sina.”

Since then, you lived with your father helping him with the farms. Your father’s farm helped feeding the three military branches, so it was important to work hard. At the age of eighteen, it was time for you to choose a career. Younger, you thought about joining the training corps, but you father was against it, so you continued studying and finally began training as a nurse. You worked with Doctor Yeager a lot and once your trainings were completed, you decided to join the survey corps as nurse to help. You were twenty-one when that happened.

Your first friend was Hange. They would come into the infirmary very often due to their experiments. It was the only friendship you made since you arrived - you didn’t know how to make friends but Hange was very sociable, so they introduced you to Erwin and Mike. One day, you were eating with Hange in your office and you were talking about the latest news.

”Erwin just brought in three recruits!”

”Is that even allowed?” you asked surprised.

”Apparently. They were all against it because they’re from the underground. But I’ve seen them in action, and they are amazing. Even more because they had no training. You have to see them in action, because one of them, Levi, is truly a titan slayer god.” Hange blabbered.

”Levi?” you wondered, could it be your Levi? It has been a very long time, but he was only friend when you were a kid. Was he still alive? If so, did he change? Surprisingly, you still looked a lot like when you were a kid (according to your father).

”Yeah that’s his name, and his friends are here too — Isabel and Furlan. They are probably training right now if you want to meet them.”

”Why not!”

You finished your meal and went to the training grounds.

”FLAGON! Hi!” Hange screamed.

”Hange and my favourite nurse!” Flagon smiled, ”If you are here to meet my new members, they are killing titans.”

”Y/N come, let’s find them!”

Hange took your arm and run through the trees and once you spotted them, you stopped. They were good. One of them turned their head to where you and Hange were and for a second, you two made eye contact. He froze for a second but quickly continued to kill fake titans.

”Are you okay?” Hange asked you worried. ”You look like you’ve seen a titan.”

”No, I’m good but I have to go, I just remembered how I had some paperwork to do. Hm I’ll see you later!” you explained before running away.

Once the three of them were done training, they met Hange and Flagon again.

”Who was that girl?” Levi asked abruptly.

”Why do you care?” Flagon answered.

”Just tell me.” Levi urged clenching his teeth.

”That was our nurse.” Hange responded to avoid more conflict between the two of them.

”I want her name!” Levi growled exasperated.

”It’s Y/N, why?”

Levi didn’t answer Hange and just left rapidly. Isabel and Furlan were just as confused as the two squad leaders. You lock yourself in your office, panting a little because you ran to there. Levi knew where the infirmary was so he just knocks on your office’s door. He tried to open the door when you did not answer but it was locked.

”You’re a nurse, you can’t ignore your patients!” Levi yelled. ”Open the door now! Y/N!”

You unlocked the door and opened it slowly. You were scared to look at him so you’re eyes were fixed on his shoes. He gently pushed you inside so you would both have privacy. After a minute or two of silence, Levi suddenly took you in his arms.

”I thought that you were dead,” Levi mumbled, ”when you didn’t came that day, I thought that I’d never see you again.”

”I’m sorry,” you said hugging him back, ”a man came in when my mom died and he said that he was my father and since then, he took care of me. What about you? What are doing here? How’s your mom?” you asked softly.

”Erwin took us in,” Levi revealed briefly, ”and my mom died a few days after you were gone.”

”Oh... I’m so sorry about that.” you said looking at him.

”I’m glad you’re here.”

Since that day, you two spent all your free time together. Very soon enough, you met Levi’s friends. You loved spending time with them, and everything was fine. Until that expedition, where both Furlan and Isabel died. You tried your best to be there for Levi but it was difficult between all the amount of work you had to do after each expedition. So, at night, you would sneak into his room that he used to share with Furlan, but now it was just him. Levi was on his bed, curled up on himself. You would just lay beside him, with your arms around him. You were sleeping together just like you used to when you were kids. Since that day, Levi never let you go back to your old bed.

  - First meeting with the 104th cadets

As head of the medical team, you volunteered to do rounds at the training headquarters because some of the kids were incredibly clumsy. It was the first week of training and you would constantly be visited by Eren. That kid was way too into trainings and wouldn’t mind hurting himself.

”Eren you should really calm down a little bit on the trainings.”

”No! I have to become a survey corps soldier so I can defeat ALL THE TITANS!” Eren screamed determined. Mikasa behind who just grab Eren and forced him to sit on his chair so you could stitch him up.

  —————

  The next kid that you would often see was Armin. He was constantly cold during winter and you would order him to rest instead of training. He would have to stay with you because otherwise, he would continue training because he was determined to pass his evaluations.

”If I rest too long, I’ll forget everything!” Armin tried to explain.

”I don’t want you to get hurt if you work out while being sick like this. You would have to wear so many layers of clothes that you couldn’t even put your ODM gear on.”

Once, you had to come urgently because Armin got extremely sick during winter. And he requested to have you here because apparently, sick Armin is really picky. You couldn’t refuse of course. You took the medicine you had for a cold and some extra blankets because you knew there was not any at the training corps and left. Armin was curled up on himself with his winter coat as well as Mikasa’s on top him.

”Armin, hey, I’m here.” you woke him up gently by sitting next to him.

”My head...” Armin whimpered.

”I know, I asked another nurse to boil some water and. It’s going to get better,” you reassured him, ”here’s some extra blankets I took for you.” you showed him the two blankets and put them on him and took off the coats.

After a few days of intense care from you, Armin started to feel better already. But never enough for him to go back training and once you heard him talking with Eren and Mikasa.

”If I’m better now she’s going to leave and that means no more bedtime stories or anything!”

That night you told him that you had to leave because the survey corps had an expedition, he next morning.

”But you’re not a survey corps soldier.” Armin said confused.

”But I am the nurse assigned for the expeditions.”

”What? But isn’t that too dangerous?”

”I had a lot of training believe me, and I have been doing that for five years now so I think I’m good. But thank you for worrying about me.” you laughed softly. ”I’ll be back in a few weeks alright?”

Armin only nodded and fell back to sleep.

  —————

  Reiner would constantly come for minor injuries or fake ones just because he liked hanging out in the infirmary. Reiner was too adorable for you to send him away. Bertolt would very often be with Reiner, and he would too often apologise for Reiner behaviour.

”I know you must be very busy, We shouldn’t bother you any longer.” Bertolt would blabber.

”Not at all! You kids are too adorable and nice for me to throw you outside.” you reassured them which would always lead to you giving them a hug after. You would remember the first time you hugged Reiner, he back up so brutally that it just confused you.

”What’s wrong? Are you hurt somewhere?” you asked worried.

”No! I-I was just... surprised.”

”Well get used to that then.” you joked before hugging him again.

  —————

  You remember once Jean broke his arm so he couldn’t eat by himself and you had to feed him his soup and bread. Jean was sitting with his friend, but he couldn’t go and grab his food and earlier you had told him to wait for you. Five minutes after, you appeared next to him with his soup and bread and fruit.

”Thanks Y/N but I think I can eat by myself.” Jean said with a grin. You didn’t leave and instead just watched him struggle with his left arm. He would spill half of his spoon on the table but he didn’t ask for help. You took the spoon out of his hand and took a spoonful of soup and blow on it so it wouldn’t be too hot. You put your hand under the spoon and expected Jean to eat the food without protest but that didn’t happen.

”Jean, just eat the food.”

”No! I-”

”Open your mouth before I make you.” you ordered with a firm voice.

Everyone was surprised by your tone since you were always so calm and patient. Jean stopped protestant and ate his food. Once you were done you cleaned his plates and went back to your office without another word. Just before you were ready to go back to the survey corps headquarters, your door opened on Jean.

”Shouldn’t you be sleeping at this hour?” you asked softly.

”I...” he hesitated while blushing a little, ”I’m sorry about earlier. You just — you were just helping me, and I was... a jerk...”

”Jean, it’s fine.”

”You promise?”

”I promise, don’t worry. Now go back to bed, I have to leave soon.”

”When are you coming back?”

”Very soon, so until then, ask Marco to help you eat.”

    - The night of the ceremony

Erwin was delivering his prepared speech, that he had practiced on you and Levi a least a thousand times. You would listen to him attentively in front of the crow. And in the end, only a bunch of them stayed. You would of course see Eren, Armin and Mikasa together. You greeted them and everyone else. You saw Jean sitting alone — you were surprised to see him here since you thought that he would join the MP. Your approached him and sat next to him.

”Are you okay? Where’s Marco?” you wondered.

”Marco’s dead.”

You didn’t say anything and just took Jean in your arms. He rested his head on you shoulder and cried a little.

    - Jean can sleep after Marco’s death

You were in Levi’s office, doing paperwork with him as usual.

”You love these kids too much.” Levi stated.

”What? I like them a little.”

”Oh please. You spent all your free during these last three years with them.”

”It’s my job to take care of them.” you laughed.

”They weren’t even that badly injured.”

”Aw, were you jealous? You just have to tell me and I’m all yours.” you teased him.

”You already are.” Levi expressed with a smirk.

”Oh, I’m out of tea, I’ll be right back.” you warned Levi before leaving, but not before a kiss to your boyfriend.

You walked to the kitchen with your two cups and boiled some water. You poured some water in your cups and left the kitchen which leads to the mess hall. A small figure was sitting alone at the back. You walked closer to that person and quickly noticed Jean.

”Can’t sleep?” you asked softly.

”Every time I close my eyes, I keep seeing Marco’s half body just lying there... alone.”

”I know it’s hard, especially because you just spent three entire years with him.” you sat next to him, ”but you need to rest. You are part of the survey corps now and it’s a lot of work.”

”I can’t fall asleep...”

”Go back to bed and I’ll be there, I just have to take these,” you showed the cups of tea, ”to someone and I’ll be there okay?”

He nodded and left. You ran to Levi’s office and told him what happened.

”You love these kids too much.” Levi repeated.

”I’m sorry, it’s just...”

”Y/N, it’s fine,’ Levi reassured you smiling, ”plus, I know how that Jean boy is your favourite so just go but come back to bed with me!” Levi screamed as you ran out of his office as soon as he said it was fine.

Once in front of Jean’s bedroom that he shared with Connie, you opened the door gently. Connie was sleeping on the top of the bunk bed. Jean was sitting on his bed waiting for you. You sat next to him and took off your shoes.

”I once managed to get a guy who would only sleeps three hours top every night to have a better schedule of sleep. So, I think I can get you to sleep.” you told Jean.

Jean had his head on your lap, and you sat against the wall. You started to tell one of the stories your dad used to tell you when you couldn’t sleep. While doing that, you would of course play with his hair because according to Levi ”that sh!t’s amazing to help me sleep so do it”. Soon after Jean fall asleep. You wanted to leave but he had his arms around you too tight. After an hour of waiting, Levi opened the door with a confused expression.

”What are you still doing here?” Levi asked quietly.

”Jean isn’t letting me go.” you showed his arms around you.

”I’m going to kill that boy tomorrow when training!” Levi yelled softly.

Levi then helped you get out of Jean’s arms. You kissed his forehead before leaving him sleep.

”I’m never going to say this enough but you love these kids too much.”

”I do.” you confessed.

”You shouldn’t.”

”I know, they are strange-”

”No. I’m saying this because if they end up dying in the next few expeditions, you’ll never get over it. And I don’t like seeing you all sad.” he explained.

”I knoow, but I can’t help it if they are all so adorable!”

—————

PART 2: here

MASTERLIST