#somehow i’ve only been sick for four days it feels like it’s been a week at least

[limewatt]

being sick reminds me of them….. (my ocs)

[martyfive]

i lay in bed sick for two weeks straight. first there’s body temperature i never knew was possible for a human to have, then there are coughs that feel like they may be the last ones i could ever have in my life, then there’s weakness, then my five year old phone falls down from the bed ending up completely broken, then the bed sheets become something i couldn’t bear to see anymore. then i get up, go outside and unexpectedly find myself at the offer of a somewhat steady part job at this small italian restaurant we’ve been visiting every sunday sharp for the last year and a half except for these two weeks i spent lying sick in bed. we are leaving the bar for the night when R. asks me if i’d like to help her at the bar a couple hours a week.

“i have no experience or anything,” i say, feeling extremely daft. “i’m not even sure i can talk to people properly. i never really could.”

“it’s okay,” she says. “you’ll be polishing the glasses. it’s not hard. i’ll teach you everything.”

on our way home A. says, “it could be good for you, you know. being among people and trying something new,” and i feel like he’s right.

at this point this small restaurant already feels like another home i want to belong to. going there every sunday for so long totally helped with that. they have one of my works i gave them as a present for christmas on the wall. it hangs up above the table me and A. occupied the first time we ever came to eat there. the frame contains pages from a sketchbook i used to draw in while visiting italy five years ago. it feels too personal, but also somehow on it’s place. i hate to hoard the stuff i create. i want to be bolder.

regretting my life choices, i spend all what’s left from my last year’s salary on a new phone. it’s a first phone i bought without anyone’s help. it costs more than i deserve.

i can’t find any will to start drawing again after being sick for two weeks.

a couple days later i go to the restaurant to ask R. about the time i can get to work. she says, “this thursday, 6:30 pm,” and then adds, tugging on my star wars hoodie, “and put on a black shirt, if you have one”.

so i find one that looks like A. has been wearing it during his teenage years when he looked more like a stick than a human and i go for the job that for the first time in my life has nothing to do with any kind of art except the art of making cocktails i still keep messing up. a couple hours a week somehow soon turns into ten as normally as “polishing glasses” turns into “doing everything there is possible to do as quickly as possible”.

“would you like to do thirty hours a week?” R. asks one day looking hopeful as if i hadn’t broken ten of their glasses in the first five days of work.

“my back is gonna die sooner than you expect it to if i agree to that,” i answer. and it really is the only reason i don’t say yes.

i soon notice there is no time to think of anything else except the work to be done while i am behind the bar once again forgetting the difference between prosecco and chardonnay or picking the ice from the ice machine or freezing in the giant fridge while looking for the specific crate of beer everyone in this town drinks more often than water. the countless amount of crates are brought from and to the back room. the ten glasses are crushed, four of them in my own hands just from squeezing too hard on them. i cringe about every single one of them before falling asleep after coming home around midnight with my aching back and more money than i ever earned drawing pictures. i think about that one time my friend told me that once you start working in catering, there’s no way back. i haven’t talked to her in a while and i can’t ask her if she still thinks it’s true.

i still can’t draw. i guess it will pass. i still cough although i’m trying not to be loud when i’m behind the bar.

“you smoke?” R. asks. “i do. i just don’t have time.”

“i’ve been smoking since i was sixteen. but not anymore really,” i say to that. “when my mother calls me, then i smoke. but that doesn’t happen very often.”

M. laughs at that as if he understands what i’m talking about and says, “with this job, i either smoke a cigarette or kill somebody,” and i laugh with him.

M. is the chef and the restaurant is named after him. he cooks so good there is surely nothing better i’ve ever eaten in my entire life. i hear all about it from guests while picking the dishes from the tables, smiling and pretending my hands are not shaking. he and R. speak to each other in loud italian and i like how they sound even if i only understand a couple words from their dialogues.

“what’s allora?” i ask one time.

R. looks at me like i’m the only one who ever asked her a silly question like that, “huh,” she says, “i don’t know. it’s like here we go or something like that,” and she smiles.

i like talking to her. for some reason i like asking her questions and seeing the surprise on her face. she’s five years older than me but i feel like a child around her. she also has her birthday in november.

“all my family are scorpions,” she says after revealing the fact that there’s ten days between our birthdays. she names at least ten of the members of her family and all their november birthday dates in a row.

i say, “the parties must be hilarious when you all gather together.”

more often i feel like she’s my serious boss i keep disappointing with my every move but at the end of the shifts she turns into what feels more like a friend. i secretly hope i can be her friend one day even though it seems like she knows the name of every human being in this town and even some other nearby towns and doesn’t really need any more friends than she already has. but after all, i’m a part of this town now, too.

“what is your favourite thing to do here here at the bar?” i ask the other day.

she looks puzzled for a second, “maybe serving fish,” she says and this time it’s my turn to feel surprised. i saw how it’s done, and i don’t really know what she means.

“i thought it’s talking to people or something,” i say.

“nah,” she waves her hand, “it’s just my job, you know.”

i regret entering this territory but i still ask, “would you better like to do something else? some other job?”

“nah,” she says again, smiling, “i like it.”

and i like it too. horrifyingly, i like it too much. thinking about sitting at home and drawing stuff like i used to do all my life feels like a torture. it surely is one when i pick up my tablet and pencil and stare at the white canvas not knowing who i am anymore. there is nothing in my head i want to say. there is nothing my hands can do. i have no idea why. i want to go back behind the bar and ask R. what her favourite colour is.

“i’m proud of you,” A. says one night while we’re going back home from the restaurant where he got his two beers and one glass of whiskey i poured for him myself. he spent two hours sitting at the bar not far from these three teenage boys who have been drinking an enormous amount of beer and playing cards and then trying to guess where i come from according to my accent. “i’m proud that you’re doing good and you found something that you like so much.”

i buy two black shirts and jeans. i take my old black coat out of the wardrobe. i walk for two minutes from home to the bar and back looking fancier than ever. i feel happier than ever. i don’t look at my social media. i feel like this rotten sadness and loneliness that occupied my head for so long has nothing to do with my life now. i wonder if it’s just a phase. i consider finding a new therapist just to ask them if it’s okay to feel this good or i should be medicated before it’s too late. i want to go to bed at proper hour, wake up earlier, spend the day feeling good and then go to the bar and ask R. stupid questions and be stressed about the things i can control. i look at my workplace at home, at the white canvas that reflects nothingness in my head, at everything i have ever known, and i don’t know what to do.

i go back to work.

“you like it here?” M. asks almost every time. “is everything okay?”

“everything’s okay,” i say, smiling. and i mean it.

someone’s ordering an espresso at 11 pm. R. says, “tell them the coffee machine is already off,” turning it off while saying it. i laugh. i feel happy. i go home knowing there’s gonna be more work to be done tomorrow. i miss drawing stuff. i have nothing to say. i fall asleep thinking of the ten glasses i broke. in the morning, i can’t draw. i used to draw most of my stuff at the evenings and during the nights. now they are full of beer glasses and beer crates and adhd people who want an espresso before bed.

i ask myself if that really is how growing up feels like. i ask myself what i am going to do if i will not be able to draw a single piece of art ever again. i read the email of the person who wants me to draw an artwork for them. i wonder if they should know i’m an imposter who can’t draw anymore. i tell myself to shut up and stop being dramatic.

i go to work.

there’s a wedding at the restaurant. i once again bring what feels like an endless amount of bottle crates from the back room to the bar. i smile. i talk to people. i wipe the tables. i polish the glasses. i pour beer into them.

“my back hurts,” R. says.

“willkommen to the club,” i tell her, although for some reason my back doesn’t really hurt.

someone orders a beer and then changes their mind after the bottle was already opened.

“it’s yours if you want it,” R. says. “your shift is over anyway.”

and i stay. i sit at the bar as if i don’t really work there. i drink my beer, i talk to R. while she puts the new napkins on tables, makes sure everyone from the wedding paid what they had to and lets me ask her my questions. i pay for another beer, taking money from my fresh salary. R. rolls her eyes at that but allows me to pay anyway. she’s not a boss anymore. just… a friend. i tell her i don’t wanna go home.

“i can see that,” she laughs. “do you have friends here in town?” she asks.

i look at the bottom of my glass.

“no,” i say. there’s a lady on our street i sometimes walk our dogs together with. she’s as old as my mother. i always forget the names of her three kids although they’re all around my age. i wonder if i should mention her. “i have friends in other places. you know. not here.”

“i can be your friend here,” she says, smiling.

i feel like it’s the happiest day of my life. i’m also a little drunk on schwarzbier. even if my back would hurt i wouldn’t have noticed.

“if you need someone as me as a friend,” i say, “then. yeah. sure. uh. why not.”

we talk some more. the beer tests my language skills. i tell her i want a new tattoo. she says she got the first one when she was sixteen and it was a horrible butterfly.

“what is your favourite colour?” i finally ask.

she looks really baffled at that, then pulls out her phone. “i guess it’s red,” she says, showing me some of photos from her instagram where she’s younger than me now and is dressed up in red. “see, it looks good on me,” and she’s right. “but white is also good. and pink. and maybe purple. not black though. with my black hair, it doesn’t look good at all.”

we’re both dressed in black for work.

i come to the conclusion that colours are the least important thing in the world to her. that’s okay. i think about all the years i spent trying to make colours work. i wanna say something, but end up saying nothing.

she turns the lights off and locks the restaurant up. we spend a couple minutes walking in the same direction to our houses. i tell her about the name my friends from other places are calling me. i don’t tell her why it’s different from the one she saw on my id card. i’m not that drunk. she says she’s gonna use it from now on. she kisses my cheek before we part. i was at school the last time someone did that.

i go home. i sit at my workplace. i answer to the email of the person that wants me to draw an artwork for them from a new phone i spent enormous amount of money on. for a second i wonder if i should still tell them i’m an imposter and my career will be over by the morning when i wake up sober.

i think about the ten glasses i broke, then let myself forget about them. i tell myself to shut up and stop being dramatic.

i draw.

29/02/2024

[steddieas-shegoes]

“You have to keep stirring until it’s thin, like soup.”

Steve had said this four times.

Eddie wanted a divorce.

They weren’t legally married, but he’d like to find a way to end it before it began.

“I’ve been stirring it for six minutes. It’s not getting thinner.”

“That’s impossible. Let me try.”

Steve was the chef. Eddie knew it, Steve knew it, everyone knew it. He was good at cooking. Not just following recipes, but actually throwing together ingredients from scratch and making something not only edible, but delicious.

But Steve was going away for a week with Robin. Something about a long overdue road trip that they were supposed to take before she went to college.

Eddie had every intention of just living off of takeout and the sympathy of Joyce and Claudia while he was gone, but Steve insisted that he had to know how to at least make a few things.

Steve seemed to think he could make a glaze for the baked chicken currently in the oven. The same baked chicken he’d almost burned because he thought he could put it in on broil instead of baked. He was really THAT hopeless.

But Steve was determined and when Steve was like this, he had no choice but to go along with it.

Steve was stirring, frown becoming more prominent the longer he tried.

“Something isn’t right. Did you put the lemon juice in?”

“You watched me put it in.”

“And the jelly was completely cooked down before you turned down the heat?”

“Yes.”

“You’re sure?”

“Steve.” Eddie placed his hands on Steve’s shoulders from behind him, shaking him slightly. “I can just eat pizza. Or sandwiches. Cereal. Joyce is having me over for spaghetti one night, I’m sure there will be leftovers. I won’t starve.”

“But you need to know how to take care of yourself!”

Warning sirens were going off in Eddie’s head. He’d been alone for a couple of days before and everything was fine. He’d made some macaroni, ate his weight in toast, it was great. He survived.

He even ate an apple!

So he could do it if he had to.

“What’s going on in that head, big boy?”

“Nothing. It’s just that Wayne didn’t have time to show you this stuff and you need to know.”

“I can make it a week, Stevie.”

“What if you have to make it longer?”

“Are you planning on running away? Going into hiding?”

He could tell Steve was rolling his eyes without even seeing his face.

“No. But what if I’m not always around?”

Eddie’s gut clenched. Steve must be sick. Or maybe he has a feeling that somehow the Upside Down is open and ready to ruin their lives again.

“Why wouldn’t you be?”

“I mean anything can happen. What if we get in an accident and I don’t make it?”

“Woah.” Eddie turned Steve around and held onto his hips, fingers probably leaving bruises on his skin. “Where is this coming from?”

Steve shrugged and looked down at the floor.

“Robin has anxiety about it doesn’t she?”

Steve nodded.

Ah.

Robin didn’t intentionally shove her anxieties onto Steve, and she didn’t realize he felt them so strongly when she did. She was a worrier, always thinking about the worst case scenario and then somehow making it worse in her mind.

Eddie didn’t really let it bother him until it affected Steve.

“Sweetheart, nothings gonna happen. You’ve changed the oil and checked the tires. You’ve packed every possible thing you could need in any emergency. You have a cup of change for pay phones if you need to use them. You’ve got every stop picked out and we’ll know where you are the whole time.”

“But none of that helps if I’m in an accident.”

“No. You’re right. It doesn’t. But what are the odds of that happening really?”

Steve was silent.

Eddie cupped his face between his palms, leaning forward to kiss him gently.

“It’s okay to be nervous, Stevie. But you don’t have to worry about that. I can take care of myself without having to know how to make a glaze for a baked chicken. Do you really think I’m gonna waste an hour of my evening making this decadent dinner for myself? Or do you think I’ll make a sandwich and eat a bag of chips while I read a book?”

“I know.”

“I know you know. So let’s just trash the glaze, dip the chicken in some ketchup, and fuck around until we fall asleep. I’m gonna miss you for a whole week.”

Eddie’s hands slid around him to cup Steve’s ass and give it a squeeze. Steve smirked up at him as he let himself fall into Eddie.

“We could just go right to dessert?”

“Are you the dessert or am I?”

“I’m the cake and you’re the ice cream.”

“We better hurry then before the ice cream melts.”

“You’re ridiculous,” Steve laughed as Eddie pulled him from the kitchen to the stairs.

“I’m hungry, let’s go!”

[animeyanderelover]

Tags: @flaming-vulpix

Tw: Yandere themes, unhealthy mindset, unhealthy relationship, possessive behavior, obsession, delusion, clinginess, abduction, death

The Little Merman Pt.3

Part 2

"Ikuya, just hold still! The doctor won't hurt you!"

You had to press him down by the shoulders, the scene reminiscent of a time where your family used to have one dog which had hated it to be touched when she had somehow hurt herself. Ikuya let out whimpers as he squirmed around in your hold, recoiling whenever the doctor touched him. His amber-colored eyes were looking at you pleadingly as his voice was still too raw and hoarse to use since whatever flu had abruptly hit him nearly two weeks ago. His skin was still burning with his fever and his movements were sluggish as his body was heavy and exhausted.

“Hmm, has his condition become worse or slightly better since my last visit?”

“Slightly better, doctor. But he’s still very weak.”

“The medicine I’ve prescribed?”

“I’ve been giving him the medicine everyday. It at least helped him to sleep better.”

You glanced worriedly at the doctor. You were concerned for Ikuya’s help since he had been in this weak condition for over one week already. You didn’t want to tell him this but in your eyes he just was very delicate so you feared that the sickness would be too much of a toll for him. After all, he had told you that he had lived sheltered on an island for years with his family. He probably wasn’t used to a lifestyle like yours.

“Is… Is he going to be fine, doctor?”

The older man gave you a short laugh when noticing your worried expression.

“Now, now, (y/n). No need to give me such a dejected look. His condition might be weak but it’s nowhere near life-threatening. I’d say if you take care of him like you’ve done until now, he’ll be fine in a week or two. Just continue to give him the medicine.”

You nodded, feeling a weight drop from your heart as you chose to believe the doctor. You’d grown attached to Ikuya in the four months he’d been with you so you wanted him to get fit again.

“Thanks for dropping by again. I can’t thank you enough.”

The doctor waved his hands dismissively.

“No need to thank me. You know that I’ll gladly drop by. Your parents were good friends of mine…”

His eyes shortly darkened as they filled with sadness and weakness and for a moment he looked like he had aged significantly before he resumed his mild grin.

“If anything should happen, just inform me.”

You escorted him out of the house and stood in the doorframe as you waved him goodbye, watching how he disappeared in the woods to walk back to the small town. You hadn’t shown it earlier but now your eyes showed pity as you watched his back in the distance. You’d known him since your earliest childhood days and knew how much he had lost in his life. His wife had died in an accident as her horse had thrown her off and she had smashed her head against a rock, his parents and siblings had passed away years ago, his best friends and also your parents had drowned away and then his only child had been gone missing mysteriously years ago although rumors had it that they’d been kidnapped by the man that had randomly appeared years ago. Your memories were hazy as you had been very small during that time but the one thing you still remembered about that scary man were his cold and unsettling purple eyes that had gazed cruelly at everyone he had laid eyes upon. Gossip in the town by people who had clearer memories of that time than you had told that the only one who had been granted his warm gaze had been the child of the doctor. The doctor truly had lost so much and yet continued to move on. His strength was inspiring.

~

“I know it tasted awful but it’ll help you, I promise.”

You said as you tried to reason with Ikuya to take the medicine that he hadn’t liked from day one. You understood him of course, it smelled bitter and was viscous from it’s texture, not even to mention that the brown-green color of it made it look everything but appetizing. But as your parents had always told you: “It doesn’t have to taste good, it’s just supposed to help you recover.”

He made a grimace as you nearly shoved the spoon in his mouth and the bitter texture spread on his palette, for a short moment you feared that he’d gag but Ikuya managed to force it down his body with an audible gulp.

“There we go. Now you should try to sleep a bit more. You need all the rest that you can get to get better.”

You told him as you pulled the blanket up his body and helped him to lay back down in the bed. You took the warm rag from his forehead, wrung it out before dipping it in cool water to place it onto his warm forehead again.

“So, if you need help with anything, just make yourself noticeable somehow so that I can assist you in whatever way I can.”

You reminded him before standing up from the bed, ready to head to your own room and rest for the night. Just as you were about to leave though, you were stopped by his soft hands weakly grasping your wrist. You turned to him with a slightly surprised look as you wondered what he could want from you.

“S-stay a bit longer with me.” He croaked out with his hoarse voice as good as he could, his eyes staring at you with a frightened gaze. You’d sort of known that he had separation anxiety but it had gotten worse since he had fallen ill. You bit your lip as you saw his gaze that made your heart always waver with guilt. He looked too innocent, too weak, too fragile in such moments as if he would fall apart if you wouldn’t be there for him. You gave in with a sigh and sat down on the edge of the bed.

“Only until you’ve fallen asleep.”

You couldn’t even have imagined how happy those words made Ikuya. He had been miserable ever since the mysterious sickness had gotten him and had practically immobilized him. He assumed that it must have been a curse of the sea wizard due to breaking his promise, one that took time to heal. Time that he needed to make you love him.

Instead he could barely go to the bathroom alone as you had to help him with everything. He hated it as much as he loved it at the same time. He’d never been this helpless before in his life and it was humiliating but at the same time he couldn’t help but bask in all of the attention and care you gave him. A part of him couldn’t help but believe that this meant that you loved him too, even if you hadn’t spoken those words yet.

He sluggishly crawled closer to where you were sitting before slowly wrapping his arms around your hips, his head moving up to lay in your lap. You weren’t prepared for this so you flinched surprised upon witnessing his move. Initially you were fully prepared to berate him for this, teach him some boundaries but words failed you when you glanced down at Ikuya. He had closed his eyes, breathing softly with his cheek smushed against your thigh. He looked peaceful and calm for the first time since he’d fallen ill as you knew best how much this sudden disease had worn him down. So you bit your tongue, out of pity, and allowed him to lay in your lap, dozing away to a happy dream in which both of you were lovers and he showed you his own home.

~

It took him weeks until the worst passed by. He still wasn't completely healed but at least now he could walk without your support, even if he was still feeling wobbly on both of his legs. Throughout the entire time where he had been seriously ill though, you never left him once. You catered to his needs as much as you could, took excellent care of him and stayed with him when he got anxious. Multiple times he'd woken up to you sitting on a chair next to his bed, your head tilted over the back of the chair in a position that would surely give you a stiff neck yet you never complained. Because it all was for him. You cared for him! You loved him! It must have been love that made you sacrifice all your time and comfort in favor of nursing him back to health!

~

"You're looking really better now. The medicine of the doctor is really working now." You beamed happily as you shoved a spoon full of vegetable stew in your mouth, munching on it. Ikuya gave you a flustered grin, happy to finally feel better as well as seeing you in such a happy mood to see him well. You were happy because he was finally feeling better... The thought of it made him blush a bit and he shyly averted his eyes to his soup plate. He lifted his own spoon, carefully blew at the steaming food before eating his own share. "It's also because I had you to look after me..." He finally decided to speak up bashfully, although his voice was still very quiet.

"Don't mention it. I'd hate to see someone precious to me suffering. Also, I have lots of experience with taking care of sick people. I had three younger siblings after all."

His heart soared in Ikuya's chest when you mentioned that he was someone precious to you. A giddy feeling took over him, one that almost made him want to skip happily across the room as he helped you cleaning up the table, trying his best to stay stable on his slightly shaky knees. They had felt weird since a few days but you had told him that it probably was the aftereffects of his passing illness. It made sense in his head.

"I'm heading down into the village. I promised to help the fisher there to help them navigate since the weather is a bit rough today. We'll share the money the catch will bring us. You're fine with being alone for a while, right?"

He wasn't and Ikuya wanted to tell you so too. But guilt held him back as he knew that you had already neglected your own work enough for him. So he hid his hands behind his back as they had started trembling as the idea of you leaving him distressed him and gave you a weak smile. "I'll be fine, don't worry."

You didn't look fully convinced but decided to just have faith in him since you'd hate breaking your promise to the people down there. There was also this urgent matter to take care of...

"(y/n)?" Ikuya asked carefully when he noticed that you had spaced out, looking like you were deep in your thoughts. You snapped out of it when you heard his tender voice.

"Don't forget that the doctor will be coming later today to see how you're doing. I might not be back by that time so you'll have to open the door for him." You reminded him quickly before dressing up for the windy weather outside.

"See you later." You told Ikuya before closing the door.

"See you later." Ikuya muttered under his breath even though you couldn't have possibly heard him then as you were already out of the house. He stared at the door dreamily before walking up the stairs, the feeling of giddiness still etched into his chest. He had a good feeling about this. It would all work out. He was sure of it.

Just when he was about to step up the last few stairs, a sudden wave of pain suddenly hit him. It knocked the air out of his lungs as his legs gave in under him due to the painful cramps. All strength left his legs for a moment and it was only because he was thrashing around with his upper body and his arms that he managed to push himself forward and prevent falling down all the stairs. He let out deep and shaky breaths as he crawled up the last few stairs with only his arms, his weak legs sliding over the wooden ground. He turned on his back as soon as he laid safely on the floor, touching his legs confused and frightened. What was wrong right now? This couldn't be normal. He felt his legs trembling under his hands, spasm after spasm going through his muscles that had his face turn into a pained grimace. It took a while for the pain to slowly go away. He took in deep breaths the entire time yet still felt like he wasn't breathing in enough oxygen which slowly had him feel slightly dizzy.

Something was wrong. He could feel it in his stomach.

He slowly removed the baggy trousers that you had bought him to see what was wrong. His heart dropped when he saw teal-colored fish scales covering his pale skin. No, no, no, no. no...

He erratically rubbed the palms of his hands against them as if trying to wipe them away yet they stayed there, although they at least didn't seem to spread further up his legs. For now at least. Abruptly he became aware of the way his chest was heaving for more air as if not getting enough as the dizziness slowly got worse. He got up slowly, pushing himself up with his hands before slowly balancing himself out on his feet. He could see them slightly shaking now as it felt even more difficult now to stand. Despite that he quickly made his way towards his room where you still had a bowl of water just in case you had to use wet rags to cool him down. It felt like the water pulled him towards it as he collapsed next to it and instantly dunked his face into the object. He instantly took deep breaths as soon as his nose was in the liquid and a mixture of relief and dread washed over him when he realized that he could breathe under water.

He sat there a couple of minutes, taking in much needed air before pulling his face out of the bowl, his hair dripping with water and a heavy panic settling deep inside his chest. He was running out of time! He couldn't wait anymore! He-he had to kiss you now!

~

"Your fever has gone down significally and I must say, you look a lot more healthy now."

Ikuya did his best to nod and give the doctor a good smile as he silently prayed for the old man to leave. He had grown to like the old man but his urge to dunk his head under water again was growing stronger and stronger as the headache from the lack of proper air for him was slowly becoming unbearable.

"It's all thanks to you and (y/n). By the way, do-do you know when they'll come back?" Ikuya asked with a hint of urgency in his tone. He didn't have much time left. He could almost feel how the skin on his legs was slowly turning back into scales. He would most likely turn back before the next sunrise.

"I'm afraid that I don't really know. The weather has gotten a bit worse so it might be a bit difficult to sail across the ocean." The old man told him whilst looking out of the window. The blue sky had completely disappeared under the thick layer of grey and dark clouds that poured rain down onto the surface. The weather was scary, he hated storms a lot. They were loud and cold, the only good thing it had brought to him was you.

"May I ask why you want to know that?"

Ikuya hesitated a bit but then just decided that he didn't have to be very specific about it anyways. "There's something I have to tell them..." He admitted silently, his hands fidgeting with the hem of his shirt. He had locked his eyes onto the ground and didn't see the look of slow but sure realization that spread across the wrinkled face of the doctor, nor the sad glimmer that appeared in his eyes as he looked at Ikuya.

"I think (y/n) might be a bit late today because even if they're already back from fishing, they have something urgent to discuss with a few people."

Ikuya finally looked up, confused by the tone the old man used as he sounded sad and he felt even more confused when he saw how he was looking at him.

"W-what? Something urgent?"

"So (y/n) didn't tell you. They probably didn't want to bother you with anything whilst you're not fully recovered yet."

Hands suddenly grabbed the doctor's shoulders in a tight hold, although he could feel how they were trembling. Wide amber-colored eyes stared at him with confusion and growing fear. Ikuya could barely stand and partially had to use the doctor as a support yet he forced his legs to stand as a new wave of dread filled his veins. Why was the old man looking at him with such pitiful eyes? What was happening with you right now?!

"What do you mean? Please... please tell me." He spoke out in a quivering tone, big eyes looking pleadingly at the doctor. He seemed to contemplate for a while whether to tell Ikuya or not before letting out a sigh, a defeated one.

"(y/n) has been offered a few days ago an engagement with one of the fisher's children and will visit them today to discuss this topic." He said it as neutral as possible in hopes of sparing Ikuya a too big shock.

Nothing could have saved Ikuya from the shock, the confusion, the fear, the pain this news hit him with. It washed over him mercilessly and for a short moment he froze completely. Only seconds later though his body started shaking again as tears spilled down his face as the word kept repeating itself in his head.

Engagement. Engagement. Engagement. Engagement. Engagement. Engagement. Engagement. Engagement. But with someone else...

"I...b-but...why?" He couldn't think straight anymore, couldn't form any proper sentence and his voice nearly died down at the end as he let go. His chest started hurting with another pain that didn't come from breathing properly due to the lack of air. It felt like something was tearing him apart from inside his chest as more tears blurred his vision.

"I don't know if they will agree to the engagement or not. All will be decided today."

But-but you had him! Why would you think about getting engaged to someone else when you had him! You...you were supposed to love him... You loved him! Didn't you?

Ikuya let go of the doctor's shoulder as all strength left him and he fell back into the mattress of the bed, staring blankly into the room as more tears cascaded down his cheeks. Seconds ticked by in which the doctor thought about what he should do right now. Should he stay or leave?

"Leave."

His voice was quiet and shaky but there was an underlying bitterness to it that only someone with a broken heart could feel. Deciding to respect that his patient would need some time alone now to come to terms with the news, the old man slowly left the room. Ikuya only noted absentminded how he left, shut the door behind him and made his way back to the town in the rain and wind. Nothing of that mattered really to him in the moment. The only thing that mattered was you.

~

"Ikuya...? What are you doing outside in this rain?! Quick, go back inside or else you'll catch another cold!"

You had not expected to come home, drenched in water from the sea and the rain, only to find Ikuya standing outside. Wet strands of hair stuck to his face, hiding partially his eyes from your sight. He was drenched just like you were and you could clearly see how his whole body was shivering violently, you assumed because of the cold rain combined with the strong wind.

He didn't move, instead stood in his place, not even glancing at you. You furrowed your brows as you walked closer to him in large strides, concerned for him. What was wrong?

The moment he noticed how you walked closer to him, one hand carefully stretched out to touch him, he flinched away. His whole body jumped back and his head snapped up to look at you and the look in his eyes shot right through your heart. Confusion, fear but above all sorrow beyond words. His amber eyes looked at you as if you'd abused him. You froze in your tracks when he gave you that look and both of you just stood there. Then he abruptly turned around, his back facing you before he sprinted into the forest. You reminded in your frozen position for a few moments as the shock had almost paralyzed you before you finally snapped out of it and ran after him.

"Ikuya!! Ikuya!! Stop! What's wrong?!"

He didn't listen, he didn't stop, he didn't slow down. Ikuya just ran through the growing pain, the burning sensation of his two legs slowly melting back into one fish tail. His lungs hurt as he had never physically exercised like this in this human form and the fact that the air up here slowly didn't provide him with the oxygen that he needed only intensified everything. His head hurt, his chest hurt, he felt dizzy and nauseous and nearly tumbled down a couple of times. His legs lost more and more strength and he knew that he would transform back into a merman very soon.

"Ikuya!! Stop!! The cliff!!!" You yelled after him, your voice layered with fear. Fear for him. Yet now he knew better. You'd never seen him as anything close to a lover. Unlike him you'd never seen him as your light of your life, as your first and only love.

You were out of breath by the time you reached the cliff, your heart threatening to jump out of your throat when he stopped, the slippery ground almost causing him to fall down only for him to halt right on the edge of the cliff. You heard him, saw him visibly gulping for air as if he couldn't breathe properly. You walked slowly towards him, terrified that one wrong move from him could push him into falling into a nearly 30 metre abyss only to sink down and drown into the raging ocean.

"I-Ikuya...please move away from there. You might fall down." You spoke slowly yet despite your best attempt to make your voice sound steady, your tone was wavering. Amber eyes casted a short look down into the ocean before looking straight at you, pinning you onto the ground again as if his gaze had a weight to it that prevented you from moving.

Just now you noticed that his eyes were red and puffy. Had he been crying?

"Did you accept?"

Your mind and your feelings were all over the place, you couldn't think properly anymore.

"What? W-what are you... Ikuya, I-I..." You stumbled over your sentences, unable to form a single coherent one. You didn't understand what he meant but his next question crashed down onto your brain like a landslide, burying all of your thoughts under it.

"D-do you love me?"

All of a sudden you were silent, your mind was silent, no word left your mouth. You just stood there with wide eyes as you stared at him astonished as if not fully registering what he had just spoken.

Now it was Ikuya who slowly walked closer to you, to where you stood. Cold hands gingerly grasped your shoulders and you could feel now how much he was trembling. His eyes were filled to the brim with emotions and now you could clearly see the tears spilling out of his eyes. It nearly made you want to cry as well.

"Please..." He started speaking with a trembling voice, his pleads threatening to break your heart then and there.

"Please love me. Only me. No one else. B-because if you don't...I can never have you."

You could only stare at him as your mind slowly started to work again.

"Ikuya...d-do you know about the-"

You were cut off, caught-off-guard when soft and warm lips pressed against your own pair of lips. You stiffened in Ikuya's hold, eyes somehow opening even wider as he leaned into the kiss, inexperienced yet conveying all of his emotions perfectly.

It was a wonderful feeling for the first few seconds as his stomach and chest exploded with fuzzy and warm feelings. But cold emptiness filled him shortly after as he finally understood your own feelings through the kiss. You didn't love him...and you probably never would.

You were speechless when he pulled away, only able to stare at him as he stepped away from you as if you'd burnt him with your lips, a devastated look in his eyes.

"You don't love me..."

You couldn't even hear what he was whispering more to himself than to you over the howling wind, all you could focus on was how he was stepping dangerously close to the edge of the cliff again. He looked at his own trembling hands for a moment before he locked eyes with you for a last time. Icy fear rolled over you when you saw that look in his eyes. A sad and heart-broken smile was on his face as he let himself fall down and your hand only brushed through the air as you tried to catch him, stop him, hold him.

He heard you crying out his name in a horrified voice, watched your form getting smaller and smaller before he crashed through the surface of the cold water, his skin crawling the moment he was engulfed in it. It was as if being fully submerged in the ocean accelerated his transformation as his legs started shaking and trembling. He watched as the legs he had been walking around with for almost half a year melted together into his teal-colored tail and tore his trousers apart.

As soon as he had reverted back to his real form, he swam away as fast as he could with a bleeding heart that would probably never heal. It had all been for nothing. Six months had been for nothing except making him fall in love with you even more. It hurt, it hurt him so much... He wished he'd never have fallen in love in the first place.

[satansapostle6]

The Man Who Sold The World | Luke Castellan

Spotify Playlist Link

Katherine. She was the one who started it all for Luke Castellan, the reason he did what he did.

Warnings: Mature themes/language. Violence. Sexual content.

Chapter Three

Chapter Four: A Dance With The Devil

It had been four days, nearly a week since Luke had last seen Katherine. They had worked out a plan for rendezvous: Katherine would keep the Camaro parked at a specially marked spot in the woods, about a mile from the camp. He still hadn’t gotten the chance to go and meet Katherine yet, which he found himself strangely disappointed about.

But, he had finally gotten himself an excuse to leave Camp Half-Blood for a short while. Luckily, he’d walked down the hill for about half an hour to find that Katherine was waiting by the Camaro, per the note he’d left on her windshield on his last patrol of the camp.

“Sandy!” Luke joked, seeing her in a black cafe racer jacket.

Despite coming from completely different backgrounds, and being completely different people, they still had music and movies in common.

“Tell me about it, stud,” she rolled her eyes. “So, what’s new with you? What’d you get?”

“Some weapons, shields, and stuff to help us in the Underworld... What did you get?” he asked in turn.

“Just some odds and ends I needed to stock up on,” Katherine stated. “Here. I had these made.”

Luke looked at her curiously as she handed him a stack of driver’s licenses she’d made using a photo she’d asked him to have taken by one of the children of Apollo who specialized in fake license photos.

“Whoa. Where’d you get these?” he asked her. “I know a few people who can get fakes made, but I’ve never seen anything this convincing.”

“I told you, I have my contacts,” she shrugged.

He carefully examined the fake licenses, looking at all the smaller details. Each license used its own fake name, and listed an eerily accurate height of 6’1”.

“Really? I’m 21?” Luke raised an eyebrow.

“We gotta let off some steam at some point,” Katherine reminded him.

“You’re sure you don’t wanna become part of the camp?” he asked. “It’d make things a lot easier.”

“Nah, I like living out of my car,” she reminded him. “I like the privacy.”

“Yeah, something tells me living in the Hermes cabin with me, the other Hermes kids, and all the other minor gods’ children and the unclaimed doesn’t exactly sound like a step up,” he admitted, not fond of the idea himself.

“Oh, we’d be sharing a cabin?” she joked, a playful grin on her face.

“Well. There is a rule that specifically states that a male and female camper can’t be left alone in a cabin,” he quipped, open to the banter.

“That’s not very progressive,” Katherine pouted.

“Not everyone’s as forward-thinking as us,” he offered.

“I could think of a few things we could look forward to,” she chuckled, her deep voice resonating.

“Like what?” his ears practically perked up in surprise.

“Wouldn’t you like to know?” she smiled. “Luke, I’d love to stay and chat, but I gotta meet up with a guy.”

“What, for more Celestial bronze?”

“No, credit cards,” she elaborated, “I have a few stolen ones, but they’ll only last me so long ‘til the owners notice. I have a guy that does fakes that pass.”

“Where the hell did you find all these guys?” Luke frowned.

“Networking, sweetie,” Katherine said dryly. “I gotta go. Let me know if you come up with an alibi.”

“That was what I was gonna tell you. I got them to give me in-and-out privileges without question,” he explained.

“What’d you tell them?”

“I told them I have a sick aunt back in Connecticut,” he said nonchalantly.

“Good one. Sick relative’s always a sympathy-getter. I gotta go. My guy’s waiting,” she climbed into the car.

“Meet me here tonight. At 8. We can leave then,” he told her.

“Alright. See ya,” Katherine drove off without a second thought.

Luke watched her drive off, already feeling an uncomfortable silence filling the air as she left. Katherine did come with plenty of silence, but somehow, to Luke, it was a preferable silence. He knew a lot of people at the camp, having been Head Counselor of Cabin 11 for years and lived there for even longer, but there few people at the camp he genuinely cared for, especially close to his own age.

Katherine Montalvo was one of the first people he’d ever met who actually understood what he had to say. She was also one of the first people he’d ever actually felt he was safe telling.

It was only a few minutes before 8:00 when Katherine arrived at her designated parking spot down the hill from Camp Half-Blood. She waited exhaustedly as Luke came down the hill, backpack slung over his shoulder and duffel bag in hand. The first thing he noticed about her was that her long ebony-colored waves were now confined in a surprisingly girlish French braid that fell in one sleek twist down her back.

“I’ll start the car,” Katherine nodded in approval.

“What happened to the Camaro?” Luke questioned, realizing she was now driving a silver Pontiac.

“Ran into some trouble. Don’t ask,” she sighed.

“Not asking,” he smiled. “Where to first?”

“I’m ready to head to Central Park,” she replied as they both climbed in. “What are your thinking?”

“I’m ready to go,” she sighed, irritably throwing off her jacket toward the backseat.

Luke watched her as she did, eyes playfully widened at the sight of her toned shoulders, which weren’t hidden by her hair for the first time he’d ever seen. Maybe, he thought, this might’ve been what school dress codes were warning against.

“Just gotta head to the store. I haven’t had the chance to grab more food.”

Luke didn’t ask her any further questions as she drove them to the closest convenience store, knowing better when it came to Katherine. He got out of the car with her, following her into the store. He noticed a large motorcycle parked outside, wondering who it belonged to.

Naturally, his question was quickly answered once he walked into the store and saw a large, surly biker with short black hair dressed in all leather. He eyed him cautiously, wondering if he’d prove to be any sort of problem.

Luke kept an eye on him as he walked behind Katherine.

“What kind of chips do you want?” she asked.

“Get whatever you want,” Luke told her, chipping in with some of the cash he’d brought with him.

“Spicy peanuts?” she called.

“Spicy peanuts,” Luke nodded insistently. “Never thought that would’ve been something I’d need.”

On the way out, Luke watched Katherine’s back, not appreciating the strange way the rough-looking biker was eyeing them. He stiffened as the man approached them, quickly tapping her arm to signal to her.

“Hey,” the quite literally giant man said gruffly.

“What do you want?” Luke asked him, not trusting him at all.

“Calm down kid,” the man said passively, “I’m not macking on your girl.”

Luke turned to the girl, a confused expression on his face. “Of course you’re not, I don’t think anyone has since 1987,” he scowled.

“Luke, shut up,” she sighed, switching her attention over to the man, “What do you want?” she questioned impatiently.

“You two kids are Half-Bloods, right?” the thirty-something year old biker asked.

Katherine’s eyes widened as her hand instinctively went to her lipstick tube in her pocket.

“What do you know about that?” she murmured.

“A lot,” he promised them. “I’ve made quite a few of ‘em myself. Say, sweetheart, you look real familiar to me.”

“I promise you, you don’t know either of us,” Luke said coldly.

“Wasn’t talking to you, blondie,” the man said, slowly creeping towards Katherine. “Oh… I do know you. I met you when I was hanging out with my girl. I knew it! I could never forget that face!”

“Katherine, do you know this guy?” Luke asked, his concern deepening.

“Luke,” she said under her breath, “This is between us.”

“Wait a minute, your name’s not Katherine,” the man said, his voice deepening dangerously as he examined the tall, thin girl. “No, that’s not it… It’s Rose, or Lily, or something, right? Some kind of flower?”

Katherine said nothing, just standing there awkwardly as the main tilted her chin up to get a good look at her.

“Daisy. That’s it,” he purred. “Daisy Montalvo. That’s your real name. I remember you… the scared little girl living on the street. Boy, you seem to be doing pretty good for yourself now. You got a car, and a boyfriend…”

Luke watched in horror as the once strong and confident Katherine practically flinched at the mention of the name. Had she really lied to him about her name? If she had, he had no idea what sort of thing about her past she could’ve been hiding. After all, she’d already told him she’d killed a person. If that was even true.

“Katherine, we need to go,” Luke urged her, not liking the sinister energy between the two.

“Beat it, kid, I wanna talk to Daisy here,” the biker interjected angrily. “You still have that lipstick my girlfriend gave you?”

Katherine nodded wordlessly as Luke looked at her in surprise.

“His girlfriend gave you that spear?” he asked her. “Who even is this guy?”

“Ares!” she whispered, shooting him an angry stare. “Lady Aphrodite gave me that spear. This is Ares, alright?! Now shut the fuck up before you get us both killed!”

“Listen to your little sweetheart, Duke,” the god of war warned him.

“You’re Ares?” Luke asked him skeptically.

“Mm-hmm,” the man crossed his arms, not-so-subtly flexing his arms as the pupils of his eyes were replaced with bright orange flames.

Luke didn’t question him any further.

“Now, Daisy. What have you two gotten yourselves into?”

“Nothing,” Katherine responded coolly. “We’re just passing through.”

“I don’t buy it,” he insisted. “You two are up to something.”

“We’re not up to anything, Lord Ares,” Luke promised, not necessarily sure how to address the immortal god.

“Relax, I didn’t say I wasn’t into it,” he reassured them. “How would you two like to earn a gift from me?”

“Like what?” Katherine asked cautiously.

Ares, the god of violence, bared his jagged, less-than-white teeth in an almost animalistic grin.

“Anything you want,” he promised, leering like a cartoon villain.

“Swear it,” Katherine said immediately. “On the River Styx.”

Luke remained silent, fearing that Ares would lash out at her, which he was definitely known for doing. Luckily, her gall only seemed to amuse the war god.

“I’ll tell you what, girlie. I’ll make you a deal. We can both swear it on the river, that if you do the one thing I ask you to do, without your little bodyguard here interfering, I’ll get you whatever you want, wherever in the world it might be,” he chuckled mischievously.

“Deal,” Katherine decided with finality.

“Hey,” Luke warned, lightly grabbing her arm, “I don’t like this…”

“Hey, you know we could use all the tools we can get,” she reminded him.

“But do you really wanna do whatever he wants you to do?” he asked.

“Yeah. I do. Because it’s up to me,” Katherine told him.

“Why do you wanna help us?” Luke asked.

“Because. Whatever it is you two are doing, I’m sure my dad’ll love it,” Ares laughed heartily. “I love family drama.”

“I swear on the River Styx that if I accept your deal, and do as you say in exchange for what I want, Luke Castellan won’t interfere in any way,” Katherine vowed impulsively. “Now you swear.”

“Hey!” Luke exclaimed, not particularly thrilled that his full name was invoked in a sacred promise on the River Styx.

“That’s the Daisy we know and love,” Ares laughed, his laughter somehow cold and scorching at the exact same time. “You’ve got spunk, kid. I’ll give you that… I swear on the River Styx that, if you do what I’m about to ask of you, I’ll procure and give to you whatever existing object you want,” he granted, seeming satisfied.

Luke was in awe of Katherine’s trust in the god of war of all people, feeling as if she had some sort of death wish. He couldn’t imagine someone as smart and strategic as Katherine putting their faith in this pompous 80’s movie villain.

“Then quit fucking around and tell me what I have to do,” she stared up at him, eyes spiteful and insinuating.

“Katherine!” Luke exclaimed for the umpteenth time. “Shut up?!”

“Holy shit, you’ve got a mouth on you, kid, I love it!” Ares raved. “Nobody talks to me like this! Shit. Alright. First, I gotta get us to where we actually need to be. Here.”

Before Luke and Katherine knew what was happening, Ares had made a point of snapping his fingers and transporting the three of them, in addition to their vehicles, to an undisclosed location. He looked around in confusion, not recognizing the suburban neighborhood they were now standing in, in the dark.

“Where are we?” he asked, surveying his surroundings.

Katherine, however, didn’t seem confused at all.

“What are we doing here?” she looked up at the god, seeming even more on edge. “I said I’d never go back here!”

“That’s the catch, girlie,” Ares reminded her with a grin. “I never said the task was gonna be easy.”

She sighed, realizing she was in a bind. “You know what? Fuck it. Just tell me what you want me to do,” she gave in.

“Is—Is this where you used to live?” Luke asked her.

She refused to answer the question, not taking her eyes off of Ares.

“What do I have to do?” she demanded.

“Simple,” he began mischievously, “Go in… And get that teddy bear.”

Even in the dark, Luke could see Katherine Montalvo’s face go pale as he finished speaking.

“Why do you want me to get that thing?!” she yelled. “I don’t want it!”

Luke had no idea why she seemed so opposed to the simple request, but something told him that the answer to that question was something long and twisted.

“I know you don’t,” Ares taunted her, “That’s why I want you to.”

“You’re sadistic,” Luke cut in furiously, “She’s not playing your sick game!”

“Like hell she isn’t!” Ares shouted at him, fiery pupils reappearing and igniting the darkness. “She wants that prize! She’ll do anything for it!”

“Stay out of this, Luke. I’m doing this for us,” Katherine promised him, her demeanor softening to appeal to his reasoning. “Just let me go in, and get what he wants me to get. Don’t intervene; I swore on the River Styx. You don’t wanna know what happens if you make me break that promise,” she urged him, genuine fear in her eyes.

“…Okay,” Luke agreed shakily, “I trust you.”

“Good,” she nodded, seeming relaxed by the promise.

“But I’m coming with you,” he insisted.

“Fine by me,” Ares said indifferently. “I can make us both invisible. All you gotta do is go in, and get your teddy bear, Daisy.”

“Fine,” she spat, turning to Luke. “I’ll be fine. I promise. Just don’t do anything, and everything will be okay. I’ll get us what we need to find him.”

“Okay,” Luke nodded, feeling as if he were saying some sort of goodbye, “I trust you.”

He said the words a second time, not knowing what else he could say to urge her to make it back.

-

Chapter Five

[moriiartist]

WRONG TURN (AT THE RIGHT TIME)

Masterlist

Taglist

PAIRING: Vampire!Ethoslab x GN!Reader

SUMMARY: It was simple, the arrangement you had with Gem. She would let you study in the library before it opened; you would be gone before her boss came in. So… how did you wind up with a vampire for a history tutor?

WARNINGS: Mild language, death mention, semi-graphic violence, non-consensual touching (you get manhandled a bit, nothing sexual), blood and injury, vampirism

A/N: Etho’s a little spooky in this one... had me feeling some type of way while I was writing him 🥴. This one is a bit longer than some of the other stuff I’ve written, and a bit scarier, but I hope y’all enjoy it anyways!

“Alright, time to pack up. You promised me you would be gone before my boss gets in, and the library opens in an hour.”

You jumped at the sound of a book slamming against the surface of the desk you were sitting at, jerking your head up and away from the paragraph you had been staring at for the past ten minutes. A figure loomed over you like the specter of death, impatiently drumming their fingertips against the flesh of their crossed arms. 

They- or rather, she- affixed you with a glare that could melt steel, green eyes flashing behind the thick rims of her glasses. It took a second longer for your sleep-deprived brain to boot up, but it was almost too easy at this point for you to recognize the face of the library’s chief archivist.

Rubbing at your burning eyes with a forefinger and thumb, you puffed a slow breath through your cheeks. After trying to read by the dim light of the desk lamp for God knows how many hours, they stung like hell. 

“Sorry, Gem. I must’ve lost track of time.”

The librarian, Gem, snorted but allowed her stern gaze to thaw, auburn hair rippling down her back as she tilted her head. “Are you sure you aren’t pushing yourself too hard? I know you want to finish up your degree, but I’m pretty sure you’ve studied here every day this week.” 

You chuckled dryly. Oh, she had no idea.

Your day job took up almost all of the ‘working day’ so to speak, leaving only the darkest hours of the night for you to attend college classes and catch up on homework. However, during those hours, there was nothing you could access beyond what little you could pirate on your shitty laptop and printed course material. 

Which is why Gem is the only thing standing between you and straight-up flunking college. 

Despite her devout adherence to the laws that governed your local city library, you had convinced her with a mix of bribery, guilt-tripping, and groveling to allow you to visit in the early hours before it opened. You were able to read and complete your assignments in peace, but most importantly: you were able to access legitimate, essential, official resources during the only time you had during the day to study.

You felt the muscles in your jaw twitch as you held your smile, hoping it didn’t look too vacant. Or desperate. 

“I’m fine, Gem. Just a bit tired.”

She quirked an eyebrow. “Sorry- have you seen yourself? The bags under your eyes are big enough to carry my groceries.”

You winced.

“Can’t argue with you there.”

If you were being honest, you couldn’t remember the last time you’d gotten more than four hours of sleep in a row- and even that estimate was generous. You pivoted in your seat, making the tactical decision to retreat from Gem’s piercing gaze.

You sighed as you crammed as many books as possible into your backpack, forcing protesting muscles that had long remained stagnant into movement. Whatever didn’t fit you hefted in your arms, making a face halfway between a grimace and a look of abject horror as your back cracked under the weight.

Gem pursed her lips, and somehow you resisted the urge to groan. This was an old argument that the two of you had hashed and re-hashed ever since she’d let you come into the library during closing hours, and you were sick of having to defend yourself.

“You can’t keep burning the candle at both ends. You look like you’re going to keel over at any second.”

“Well,” you laughed airily, the lightness of your voice at odds with the abject exhaustion in your expression. “It’s not like there’s anything I can do. I need to earn my degree, and you know that night classes are the only thing I can afford to take.”

Pausing for a moment, you snorted. “Both literally and figuratively.”

“You’re going to kill yourself at this rate,” Gem sighed, her normally lively countenance as deadpan as she could make it.

“No, I don’t think so. Not if you get to me first.”

A beat of silence.

“... Fair enough.”

It was routine for you to haul your backpack onto your shoulders, Gem helping you with the straps, and wave a harried goodbye to Gem as you slipped out the library’s back door. At her insistence, you promised to text her when you returned to your apartment so she knew you had gotten back safely. 

You shivered, clutching your books tighter to your chest as the warmth of the indoors faded, leaving you to the mercy of Autumn’s chilled embrace. 

It was no exaggeration that your free hours landed squarely in the dead of night- because although you had been up for hours, the sky was still as dark as pitch. Only the barest hint of starlight shone through the inky blackness, and though logically, you knew it was because of light pollution, some part of you wondered if the entirety of the milky way had been swallowed whole.

While the library was laid deep within the city’s heart, it was directly at the center of the entertainment district. Meaning that, despite the late (or early) hour, the city streets surrounding the library were just as busy during the night as they were during the day. Restaurants, bars, nightclubs, and… other businesses lined the street, the light from their illuminated windows and neon signs shining like rainbows against the pavement.

Across the street, raucous laughter resounded from within a bar. The sound bounced eerily across the pavement and crowded walls of the buildings that rose like silhouettes from the ground. You flinched as you heard the sound of shattering glass, accompanied by loud cheering, wrinkling your nose against the sharp sting of early winter frost and the pungent scent of booze.

You quickened your pace, dodging and weaving through flocks of tourists that ranged from mildly inebriated to flat-out drunk, barely managing to keep yourself balanced under the awkward weight of your backpack. The idea of being caught up in whatever illicit business went down in the cramped alleyways and seedy taverns that garnished the area like sprinkles on a cake was far from appealing- especially with the whole ‘living alone’ thing.

At the next street, you finally made the turn that led you away from the throngs of frat boys and bar-flies into the residential areas that sprouted just a ways off from popular tourist destinations. 

Although you had made the journey countless times, it never ceased to startle you just how quickly the general cacophony of shouting and laughter faded away with a few blocks of distance. It was much, much quieter here; the only sounds were the gentle tap-tap-tap of your shoes against the concrete and the occasional rush of a car driving by.

Windows of houses looked more like dark, empty eyes as you passed them, and the further you got from the entertainment district, the easier it was to pretend that you were the only person on earth. A sharp gust of wind suddenly howled through the trees, rattling leaves and raking icy claws across your skin.

You gasped as a shiver snaked its way down your spine, instinctually clutching your books tighter to your chest in an effort to conserve warmth. Cursing softly, you shed through your coat pocket to find your phone, exclaiming in victory as your fingers wrapped around it. Clicking it open, you blinked in surprise once you spotted the time: 5:00 AM.

Huh. That was definitely waayyy later than you had originally expected… and you had to get to work at 8:30. A high-pitched whine rose in the back of your throat. 

Say goodbye to any chance you could’ve had at a (barely) decent sleep, because at this rate? It would be a miracle if you could get home in time to shower and eat.

You were so focused on your phone that you almost didn’t process the electric hum that filled the air, the lone streetlight ahead flickering in and out to the beat of your footsteps. Catching the flashing from your periphery, you glanced up with a frown. 

Now- you weren’t an electrician, or really anyone skilled in the engineering field, but… you were fairly certain that it shouldn’t be making that loud, electric humming noise. You halted in your steps, tilting your head and squinting your eyes at the malfunctioning lamp. It flickered one more time, weakly, before plunging you into shadow.

If you thought that the night was dark before, surrounded by light and the nightlife, it paled in comparison to the true darkness that descended upon you like a cloak. One moment, you’re perfectly fine, and the next, you can hardly see the shape of your body against the pavement.

Another shiver wracked your body- but it felt different from a chill. Something inside your brain had begun frantically ringing alarm bells, and you could only desperately search for some kind of stressor as the hair on the back of your neck rose to attention.

Shakily, you exhaled, spinning in one, slow circle. There was the faint outline of a parked car, engine silent and sleeping, the houses, the trees- nothing. Nothing that would make your anxiety levels swing from ‘manageable’ to ‘DEFCON one’.

You turned back around, your previously relaxed pace discarded in favor of a light jog. It was all you could do not to fall on your ass as your backpack shifted and bounced with your downstep, and your chest felt tight as panic began to seep in.

What the hell is going on?

Something clattered behind you, and your breath seized in your lungs. The burning was hardly an afterthought because you were sprinting, stumbling and dropping your own books in your haste to get away from something you couldn’t- or wouldn’t- see.

You were so close you could see the gleam of the next streetlight up above. Your inhales were more like sobbing gasps of air, and distantly you felt the dampness of your cheeks as tears sluiced down them. 

You were so close.

But it was never like you had the chance to escape, anyway.

A calloused hand wrapped around your wrist, yanking it and the rest of your body back. Hard. 

All of the wind was knocked out of you as you slammed into the ground, hands and knees shrieking with agony as the pavement grain shredded the skin. The books within your bag did little to soften the fall, their hard spines digging into your ribs through the material of your bag.

Spots danced in front of your eyes, and you felt like you were moving through molasses as a pair of shiny dress shoes strolled into view. You didn’t want to see their face. Something visceral within you begged you to make yourself as small as possible- not a threat, nothing of interest.

Still, your traitorous gaze drifted upwards, and you felt the blood drain from your face as you stared straight up into a pair of ruby-red eyes.

“My, don’t you smell divine.”

You tried to scream, but it came out more like a choked gasp as your lungs came up empty.

This wasn’t- you had to be hallucinating. This had to be something that your sleep-deprived brain had dreamed up, safe and asleep in your bed.

Vampires weren’t real. 

But, as it grinned with razor-sharp fangs, face alight with nothing but hunger, it was impossible to say it was anything else as it dug sharp, talon-like nails into your open wound.

Pain, quick as lightning and ten times more intense sparked through your nervous system, wringing a punched-out gasp from your throat. The periphery of your eyes darkened, and for a moment you genuinely thought that you would pass out from sheer agony as you desperately tried (and failed) to tear its wrist away. 

It chuckled, twisting its claws in deeper to draw a proper scream out of you, humming in approval before it pulled them out. You went lax, heaving for breath as it lapped at the sticky blood- your blood- coating its fingers.

Your eyes fluttered open, and you realized that it was watching you. Crouched on the side of the street, inspecting you with a calculating gaze not dissimilar from how a fox inspects a cornered rabbit.

“Oh,” it said, a grin that was entirely too wide creeping across its face. “Yes. You taste even better than I thought you would.”

Feeling your breaths come faster and faster as fresh tears prickled at the corners of your eyes, you pressed your palm to your mouth, only succeeding in smearing the blood that covered it all over your chin. 

So this was how you died. Alone, scared, and covered in your own blood, pinned down in the middle of the street by a creature you thought only existed in classical literature and trashy romance novels.

And, to top it all off, you had never even graduated college.

The vampire shifted, and you flinched at the sensation of its talons scraping at the soft flesh of your neck. You knew what happened next if the stories were to be believed, but terror had frozen your limbs as thoroughly as rigor mortis.

You swallowed, squeezing your eyes shut.

And promptly had them fly back open as the vampire shot back in a blur of snarling and snapping limbs, hitting the ground several meters away from you with a loud crack.

Transfixed, you could only watch with a dumbfounded expression as a cloaked figure appeared to teleport in front of you, hissing lowly. The vampire was on its feet before you could blink, its handsome features twisted into an animalistic snarl before it locked gazes with… whatever was blocking its path to you.

If you didn’t feel like you were about to pass out, you would’ve thought how quickly its expression changed from ardor to pure, unadulterated terror was hilarious. 

“You,” it breathed, every muscle in its body snapping with tension. “You’re not supposed to be here.”

Sheer survival instinct had kept your focus solely on the vampire that had cornered you, but the fear that radiated it was enough of a surprise that you found yourself glancing over towards whatever was perpetrating it.

One time, after you had gotten off work and had nothing else to do, you decided to watch a documentary series about tropical rainforest animals. For the most part, it was just background noise to help you fall asleep, but you found yourself engrossed when a particular segment about leopards began.

All you could think of, now that you were looking at the cloaked figure, was just how still they were. They didn’t move a muscle, not even where a normal person would’ve begun to cramp after a few seconds. They didn’t even seem to be breathing.

They reminded you of those leopards that you had watched. Especially in the way that those leopards went when they were hunting.

“Who says where I can and can’t be?” they, or rather, he said, masculine voice smooth and calm. “It’s certainly not your job.”

Sensing an opportunity to get the hell out of dodge, you grit your teeth as you shifted onto your hands and knees, slowly pushing yourself up into a crouch. The raw and ragged skin on your knees screamed in protest as it pulled taut, and you had to bite your tongue to stifle your soft sounds of pain.

The vampire’s jaw worked, and even as it drew itself up to its full height, you noted it was much taller than whatever had decided to intervene. (Something was wearing that cloak, but if he was an actual human person, you would eat your hat.)

The cloaked figure titled his head. “If you know what’s good for you, you should leave.”

You froze in place, heart jack-hammering in your ribs. Was he talking to you?

He went on- “Wouldn’t want to break any more rules. The covenant will have your head.”

For a long, tense moment, nothing happened. The wind whistled down the street. In the distance, police sirens wailed.

You didn’t dare move- not when the air itself felt charged, waiting for something to snap.

Then, the vampire growled, lips pulling back from their teeth wolfishly as they reluctantly bowed. Flabbergasted, you watched as it reluctantly melted back into the shadows, the red gleam of its eyes the last thing to fade to black.

The only thing you could hear was your heart thumping in your ears.

After a moment, the cloaked figure’s head turned deliberately towards where your crumpled form was hunched over, and you hastily scrabbled to your feet, Balling your hands up into fists. you trembled, staring him down.

“Are you alright?”

You don’t know what you would do if he decided to attack you, but you weren’t going to take it kneeling- not when you still felt the burn of humiliation for remaining paralyzed by terror. To your continuing horror, he took your silence as an invitation to step forward.

“Stay back,” you bit out, adrenaline buzzing through your veins. “I will not hesitate to punch you in your stupid face.”

Impressively, although you couldn’t make out his face with the shadows that clung to the hood of his cloak, you could see him do a double-take. “... Sorry?”

“You better be,” you muttered, eyes flickering to and fro as you tried to find a good escape route.

To your surprise, he hesitated, murmuring something under his breath that you couldn’t make out. He cleared his throat, shifting on his feet. “I am, if that makes you feel any better. You aren’t supposed to be attacked like this, it’s… uncivilized.”

Gaze snapping back to him, your brows raised incredulously. “Really? You’re not just saying that so that I let my guard down? And then you kill me and steal all my blood?”

“If I wanted to ‘steal all your blood’ I would’ve done it already.”

You deadpanned. “That’s not as comforting as you think it is.”

He took another step, but before you could threaten him again, pulled the hood of his cloak down. By now, your eyes had adjusted to the light (or lack thereof), and you found yourself sucking in a harsh breath.

Although you had guessed, what you saw definitely revealed him to be another vampire. His hair, a close-cropped shock of white, stood out against the darkness of the surrounding street.

You couldn’t describe the way that he was looking at you if you tried. His eyes burned like hot coals, pinned on you with a kind of unyielding focus that made your arms prickle with goosebumps. It both struck you as similar to that other vampire’s regard, a predator watching prey, but it was distinctly different- more like he was cataloging the rise and fall of your breath, the grinding of your shoe heel into the pavement.

A black mask- one of those anime ones that you couldn’t bother to remember the name of- hung around his neck, ready to be pulled up without a second’s notice. It looked well-cared for, despite being a little worn around the edges, and he fiddled with it absently as your gaze swept over him.

The most glaring thing about his appearance was the fact that he was almost flawlessly handsome, skin unblemished, bone structure pristine. The only thing that marred him was the long, thin scar that cut across his left eye, splitting his eyebrow in half.

“Even if you are pretty, I still won’t hesitate to punch you in the nose.”

He barked a laugh, fangs- holy shit his fangs- flashing. For some reason, he seemed pleased at your jab, chest puffing out slightly. “So you think I’m pretty?”

“Do I look like someone that would be attracted to an overgrown mosquito?” you scoffed, eyeing his shrewdly. “And a vain one, at that.”

He paused for a moment, staring at you, and you felt the fear that had temporarily abated come back in full force. One of these days, you were going to take a vow of silence so you could never say anything stupid ever again. 

You swallowed, hugging your arms tight to your body as you leaned away. In a blink, he was suddenly, much, much closer, and you swore as you jumped. 

“No,” the vampire said abruptly, tilting his head in a predatory manner. A smile split across his face, and a confident gleam arose within his eyes as his hand came up to grab your chin firmly. (Privately, you were relieved to find that he clipped his nails like a normal human being.)

“But you do look like someone who knows something they shouldn’t.”

You thrashed in his grip, eventually stilling with your palms pressed flat to his chest. Although you were pushing as hard as you could, it didn’t seem to affect him. 

You laughed, a little bit hysterical. “Oh, so now you’re going to kill me?” 

His fingers drummed against the flesh of your cheek. Languidly running his tongue against the swell of his upper lip, he cocked his head to the other side. You winced as you heard the vertebrae in his neck crack. 

“What could I give you to keep you quiet?”

You blinked, taken aback by his jarringly serious tone.

“What?”

“What do you want? Money? Favors? What would convince you to keep your mouth shut?” he pressed, eyes narrowing, Distantly, you noted that his eyelashes were as pale as the hair on top of his head. “We’ve got kind of a secret society thing going on, y’anno, and we don’t need you blabbing.”

Confused, you shifted, and his hand came up to squish your cheeks until your lips puckered like a fish’s. You tensed but didn’t attempt to move.  “‘Oul’nt you j’st kill ‘m?”

He smirked, ruby red eyes gleaming. “Yes, but it would be a shame. You’re funny.”

You batted his hand away, staring at him. He… seemed sincere, or he could just be a very skilled liar. It was more than likely that both were true, and whatever you did, it would be a gamble.

“... A tutor,” you said after several moments of silence, voice laced with quiet certainty. “That’s what I need. A tutor.”

He stared at you. You stared at him. There was a lot of staring at one another.

“That’s it? ”

You shrugged. “College is hell.”

“Not cash, or fame, or… cash…” the vampire frowned. “Everyone asks for cash.”

“I guess I’m just built different,” you said, as if you weren’t running on less than half of the minimum sleep quota and hubris. 

You would be kicking yourself later when you sprung out of bed, wild-eyed as you beheld the healing cuts that littered your knees and palms, but right now? You were absolutely not in the right mindset to be making pacts with a creature of the night.

“Alrighty then,” he said after a moment, letting go of your face in favor of offering you his other hand. “It’s a deal.”

You, with all the bravado and lack of self-awareness that only a college senior could possess, took it.

He grinned, and in a blink, a solid chest bumped into your back. There was no heat to your proximity other than your startled flush, even as the vampire’s cold breath caressed the shell of your ear.

“The name’s Etho. I have a hunch that you and I... we’re going to have a lot of fun together.”

The crack of your fist hitting his face resounded through the street, drawing a startled hiss from the vampire.

Well, he couldn’t say you didn’t warn him.

@blufr0st​ @itsonlydana​ @amearla​ @bapthadapper​ @redactedsouls​ @sina-the-idiot @icarusthefoolish​ @blockyshieldmaiden​ @lunarheartsposts​

[pawrogi]

Wesley's Moons: Polarus

Difficulty: A Population: Sacrificed/Deceased. Conditions: Cold, wet, snowy terrain, supports plant life. Fauna: A balanced ecosystem, creatures support very aggressive behaviour.

Description from Thunderstore page: This moon houses the legendary Polar Vaults. These vaults contained very valuable riches before the corporation went bankrupt. The corporation was known for their extremely high hiring rates. It also appears that many of these employees magically dissapeared after being fired.

This post contains spoilers and whatnot for the story/lore of this moon.

Map of Polarus

M.E. - Main Entrance F.E. - Fire Exit C. L. - Captain's Log

Note: Fire exits no. 4 and 5 are in a dangerous zone. Be extra vigilant there. You should be cautious as well when going for the fire exits no. 2 and 3 and also Captain's Log. Look out for the icicles from above.

Captain's Log #4

Captain’s log, log four, location Polarus. First, my findings on Gratar. We managed to trick that conniving AI into revealing the final letter to us. It’s P. It’s a capital P. It’s smart but we were smarter. Ones of us that survived, anyway. I think it realized we were deceiving it and it decimated ten of us. We’re down to a pathetic team of eight. Half of whom were too disturbed to carry on their duties as usual. (laughter) Our scattered crew might be real skeletons soon enough. But I only need them to help out of ship for the last leg of the journey. Because I found it. I know where Cosmocos is. I wonder if it felt the same lost that I felt when I left. That my heart was wrenched from my chest to get to know something. Some… Someone’s so magnificent. To know that you leave them blinded, wounded and sick. I will be with you soon, old friend. I’ll heal you. I only need the opportunity and then we’ll be one again. Cunningham, signing off.

Lore scrap items: Undelivered Letters (1-4)

Undelivered letter 1:

It’s my second day working at this vault. The work is quite boring if I’m being honest but we are allowed to take breaks regularly!! The people seem super nice as well, they make me feel at home. I like it here. But I do miss you and I hope to see you and the kids again soon :) From: employee-254 To [home address]

Undelivered letter 2:

It’s my fifth day of work. My apartment is surprisingly comfortable. It’s a long walk to the “space bus” as I’ve started to call it. There are also these strange noises below the ice, my co-worker speculated that it’s the ice shifting. I have asked if I could go home and see the kids at least once a week but they refused to let me go. Probably because I am still in my proving period. But I’ll keep trying! I can’t wait to see you again! From: employee-254 To [home address]

Undelivered letter 3:

It’s been two weeks since my last letter. I am getting a little more homesick every day. I have noticed that a lot of newer employees get fired relatively quickly.. Most of them don’t even last a month! A co-worker of mine got fired as well. I haven’t heard from him since :( We also had to divert a rescue ship from Infernis to Gratar due to some accident there. But I’ve got good news! They agreed to let me go home at the end of this month!!! From: employee-254 To [home address]

Undelivered letter 4:

It’s my last day before I can visit you. Most of my co-workers got fired and it’s getting a little quiet around here lately. And there is definitely something below the ice, you can hear the growling in the deeper parts of the building. But whatever it is they seem to keep it under control, maybe they are feeding it somehow. Anyway, they will take me home at the end of the day. I can’t wait to see you! I’ve missed you! From: employee-254 To [home address]

Screenshots from game

Mago reference:

[moth-j]

My ending is one of tragedy.

I’ve been doomed by the narrative.

I wasn’t supposed to live this long, that’s why everything is so difficult.

I can’t do it, it’s too much.

I got four different jobs in the past two months and at each one I just stopped showing up because everything felt too futile.

If my job was burning bridges then I’d never worry about money again.

How are you supposed to recover from burn out that has been festering for four years? How am I meant to take a break and heal when I get five calls a day reminding me of all the bills I have yet to pay, or when I’m at the bank begging them to let me do a partial payment because I can’t pay my loan bills let alone the fees if they sue me.

I can’t even write about this and make it pretty, because there’s nothing pretty about going hungry because you can’t afford food, but not being able to go to the food pantry because the only time they’re open is when you’re in class trying to make a better future for yourself.

It genuinely feels like some sick joke. Make the poor people work long, tiring hours but only give out the food and necessities they need when they’re at their job. And make sure to punish them for going back to school after making them feel like shit about dropping out of high school. Make them pick between dinner and failing the class they took out thousands of dollars in loans to attend. And then send them emails every week reminding them that interest is always accruing on those loans, so there will always be more to pay. And then, while you’re at it, send them a letter telling them that they somehow make too much money for food-stamps.

And now your car inspection is coming up, and you have to pay for the registration, don’t forget! Oh, also your storage unit with everything you own is about to get sold off to the highest bidder unless you give us a few hundred dollars right now, and don’t even ask about a partial payment because we don’t do those here!

I am going to commit the largest act of arson the world has ever seen (in minecraft) /j /j

[solaris-sunlight]

I wish I could be normal about receiving gifts. I wish I didn’t feel this nauseating guilt about it every time on is given to me. I wish I didn’t feel so uncomfortable with it. I wish I could be normal about receiving gifts. I was making progress about it and then it’s immediately stomped all over because I can’t be normal about reviving gifts. I keep picturing ways to return it in my head and everything I can imagine ends in getting screamed at even though I know that’s not what would happen. I wish I could be normal. I wish I could react like a normal person. I wish receiving gifts didn’t make me feel nauseas about it for weeks. I wish looking at gifts I’ve received didn’t fill me with dread. I wish I’d kept the progress I mad. I wish I wasn’t going backwards. I wish I wasn’t losing my progress on being ok with it. I wish it wasn’t getting worse. I wish I could just return the gift I got and be done with it but that’s rude and in my head I can only imagine it ending with rage and disappointment even though I know that’s not how it would go. I kept the tag on the gift. I can’t keep it. I can’t regift it to someone else because that’s cruel. I can’t just throw it away because that’s worse. I can’t give it back because that would be throwing someone’s kindness in their face. But I’ve already hidden it so I don’t have to worry about catching a glimpse of it and feeling sick to my stomach with guilt over a gift I don’t deserve or feel comfortable having. I don’t know if I even responded to receiving it normally. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I feel like such a freak. I feel like somehow this is a moral failing on my part. I have to put away the pot on the stove and yet I feel paralyzed by guilt and anxiety because I cannot return the gift tucked beneath four pillows and against the wall near where I sleep because returning it would be cruel. I wish I could be normal about receiving gifts. I wish I could be normal about many things. It’s been a couple days now since I received it. Returning it now would be cruel. I feel paralyzed. I can’t do anything about it. I don’t know what to do with it. It exists in my space and I only feel remorse and guilt. I wish I didn’t know the reason I’d gotten a gift. It’s not something I deserved a gift for. I hate receiving gifts, especially out of nowhere. I hate receiving gifts without being asked first. I want to scream. Maybe I’ll hide it in their backpack with a note apologizing for not just telling them sooner that I was uncomfortable taking it. I wish I could be normal.

[worldofroma]

September 3rd, 2023 Sunday - 9:07pm

school starts on tuesday. what the fuck. i haven’t updated in a while, but man do i have a lot of shit to talk about. so…that dude i was friends with… yeah we dated. my entire work found out which was quite humiliating and annoying but for some reason, his ex was the least bothered by it, in front of me. in front of my other friends who work there…not so much. but hey less conflict and confrontational drama for me right? plus, i said dated, i broke up with him after 3 weeks. yeah. and i kind of feel awful but at the same time i don’t. after i broke up with him (over text btw), i went to the CNE in toronto and got to pay 20$ for a palm reading from a psychic and it felt like a slap in the face.

first of all, she starts off by saying that i need to stop being such a mean person. in other words, she called me a bitch. subtly. and she told me that she can see i have a softer and sweeter side to me and that i should be showing that much more often, but to not let others take advantage of it and let myself become a mother for others. “they have a mother, they do not need you to be a second or third one”. i almost threw up when she said that. she said that i have a lot of work to do when it came to self love and care, thanks. i’m aware. but then she added that i’ll be travelling around the world and i won’t be alone, but she couldn’t tell if i’d be with a lover or a friend. 🤷‍♀️. my step dad said there’s no way i’d travel with a man so i guess i’m either going with a friend or somehow switching sides in the next few years, but i can’t see that ever happening. but then after that she decided to go ahead and tell me that i’ll be happily married at some point in my life with four children. four fucking children. no thank you i like having a uterus that’s inside me not one that’ll fall out spontaneously by the time i’m having a midlife crisis. she also said something about business but i can’t remember exactly what it was she said but it was positive.

but fuck, this wasn’t even the worst part since the last time i’ve wrote an entry, this has just been sitting at the front of my brain since i got the reading. what’s been really important is the fact that i have most definitely been reborn. something over the course of this summer has changed me. i am not the same person i was before school ended and i’m fucking proud of it too. i’m sick of being that girl that just sat at the back of each class, behind the chaos and chatting and laughing that goes on in each of my classes. i want to actually be seen now, but only because i know i am myself now. these past few years of high school, i’ve been stuck. locked up after the disgusting lock downs. but that’s not who i am anymore. and now that i’m free from a boyfriend (i swear i’m not that much of a slut), i can do whatever the hell i want. and i love it. as toxic and stupid as it sounds, i’m literally embodying the manic pixie dream girl persona just because i feel like it. and who’s gonna stop me? that’s another thing i’ve adapted, the mindset of “why care? it’s my life not yours.” i’ve been thinking of changing my name for a while bc of course my real name is not roma, but i want it to be, and many people i know have told me that that’s a stupid idea. it’s cringy. it’s weird. okay… you expect me to care why? it’s my life, my name, why does it matter to you if i change it or not? it’s not like i’ll be treating my real name like a deadname or anything, people i know now can still call me by my real name, but once i’m in university, that name and version of myself is gone. i’ll be roma, and i’ll be whoever the hell i decide to be with each day that passes. and i don’t mean to say that in some kind of emo way either, like it’s some kind of depressive phase of “oh, i feel so trapped here in this stupid small town 💔🥀🫠, i just want to disappear and become a whole new person 😈🚬🪦”. like no. lmfao. i think that’s what a lot of people think when i tell them these things, but trust me, its not. my ideas are more along the lines of taking advantage of the freedom we are given but without crossing the line of “acceptable” behaviour. it’s really just the hippie life style ig. on another topic of being whoever i decide to be, i’ve come to realize how much power i actually could have if i just didn’t care so much. i have a tendency to overthink things, overcare about things, make things awkward because i overthink things way too much. but i’m done with that shit, who really cares? the only thing that matters this year at school is my grades, nothing else. after i graduate, what are the chances i see anyone i go to school with now for the rest of my life? probably extremely slim with my plans for the future including travelling and never fucking returning to bruce county. nothing fucking matters.

back to the topic of how i become a mother for everyone, i hate that. i’ve been researching a lot about it and the correct term for it is parentification and occurs when a child and parents roles are reversed. for example, the child is the one who listens to the parents problems while theres are pushed away or labeled as “nothing to worry about”. i hate that i went through that and i hate that it’s made me unconsciously become everyone around me’s mother. worst part about it is that after i saw the psychic and began thinking about it more, i realized that while i was in the relationship with the dude from my work, i was most definitely just acting like a mother he can touch however he likes which is absolutely disgusting. and i wished i had realized it sooner. hopefully, i can somehow change that.

but yeah, that’s how my august has been. pretty self discovering and yet somehow uneventful. lovely.

[gloryintheflowers]

I miss you so much I can’t breathe (and I mean that literally)

My dearest aunt barb,

How are you? Where are you? And what is it like there?

I never used to think much about what happened after death. Even when I was suicidal, I could only think of my pain ending— I never put a lot of thought into what would happen after. I didn’t have much of an opinion— sometimes I would think that you might live on somehow. Other times I would think that you became worm food. And then Evie told me that you died and I immediately changed my mind, suddenly of the strong opinion that there is some sort of life after death. I’m biased now, I know that. But I have to believe you still exist somewhere; that you are among the people you love who have died; that you are still you, that you still love all of us and that you can feel our love, too. That you are with us in our pain and in our joy. That you are still here, even if we can’t see you, or touch you, or hear your voice.

I’ve been missing you pretty terribly today. Which isn’t that different from how much I miss you every day. But today has been one of those days where I’ve felt it down to my bones with every breath. Saturday was exactly 4 weeks since we spoke, and Sunday was three weeks since we buried you, and today was 4 weeks since it happened. A month this Saturday. I can’t believe it’s been this long. It feels like time is passing so quickly and I can’t bear it. Every day that passes brings me further away from you— from your voice and your smile and your love. It takes me further away from what feels like a different life entirely, a life where you were here and you loved me, a life where talking to you was the best part of my day and could make me smile no matter what. My life shifted on its axis when you died and I still feel wildly disoriented— kind of like when you go away to summer camp, or you move to a new apartment, or start high school or university— equal parts dizzy and homesick.

Speaking of being sick— I’ve been feeling like complete and utter shit since you died, but the last two weeks especially I’ve been feeling like fresh garbage, and it keeps getting worse. I had the flu or something last week (not covid, unless my four rapid tests were all wrong), and I thought it was getting better but then the cough came back with a vengeance. It’s been getting worse every day, and the last few days I’ve had fevers on and off, a vicious cough, chest pain, shortness of breath, the whole shebang. I had a chest x-ray and we’re assuming it’s bronchitis and I’m using an inhaler and trying to take it easy and hoping it doesn’t turn into pneumonia. The cough is awful but the shortness of breath is the worst part— sometimes it gets bad enough that I get dizzy and my heart starts racing and I really have to focus on getting air in. My friends and my mom keep telling me to go to the ER if this continues to worsen but I would rather avoid it. I just…don’t care, sort of? Like obviously I don’t want to feel like shit, but if I pass out…I don’t know, maybe being unconscious for a while wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world. If I stopped breathing entirely in my sleep…well, I promise you I’m not actively suicidal, even if that’s only because you’d kill me if I did that. But I do feel…mildly apathetic? Like, I don’t necessarily want to die, I’m certainly not going to attempt to die, but if it just happened, maybe while I was sleeping, so similarly to how it happened for you…maybe that wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world. It is so difficult to navigate this world as a disabled person. I have been trying very hard to do so anyway. But without you here life has lost all of its colour and all of its joy. It just doesn’t feel worth the effort anymore. Especially not when I feel so sick. Maybe this is what I get for thinking “I miss you so much I can’t fucking breathe” about ten times a day since it happened. But missing you does make it hard to breathe. In fact, this shortness of breath reminds me of the moments and hours after Evie told me on that crisp, sunny October morning. My breath came in rapid gasps, I vomited into my Auntie Glenna’s flower bushes, and sat by their fire pit— a little bit away from the main house so as to have a little bit of privacy— crouched into myself, struggling to inhale, sobbing in a way that sounded like heaving, choking, gasping for air. Dizzy with shock and grief. It was similar before the funeral— i woke up at 5am having such a bad panic attack that I ended the night curled up on the bathroom floor and crying to my mother on the phone, traumatized by my own imagination which had made me dream of you dead, still and silent, looking nothing like yourself, being cleansed, being prayed over, being shrouded. Imagining you in a casket being flown across the country. Dreaming of your hands— those hands that I loved so deeply, that held mine so often and without hesitation, that introduced me to the idea that physical touch could make me feel loved— could make me feel like I was somehow worthy of love. Those hands that squeezed mine, that ran your fingers through my hair, that rubbed my back as I cried. I kept imagining them cold and stiff and still, never to hold mine again. It made me feel like my throat was closing. I had to take several Xanax just to get off the floor. So you see, you being dead does steal my breath. Bronchitis just does it a little differently.

A few years ago, in summer 2020, Jade and I took a course through Western called “The Psychology of Physical Health,” and in that course there was a chapter on psychoneuroimmunology— or basically, the study of how our psychological state impacts our immune system and our overall state of health. It’s a growing field and I remember finding it interesting. Like, did you know that depression can make you more likely to succumb to cancer or develop heart disease? Or that anxiety can trigger autoimmune disease, or cause it to flare up? And did you know that grief affects your body in several ways— including releasing stress hormones that, among other things, cripple your immune system?

What I’m trying to say is that when I looked over at your photo the other day after a painful coughing fit and croaked out “I’m blaming you for this, by the way,” the science backs me up on that.

(And also, I was joking. Mostly. I would take this a thousand times over if it would bring you back.)

(Please come back to me.)

It’s not surprising that grief and being ill don’t exactly make each other better. A few nights ago my fever spiked. I dreamt of you, as I often do, but this fever dream felt so real that when I woke up into this hellish reality where you are dead, I was immediately launched into a bad panic attack. I took a Xanax and went onto my balcony for cold, fresh air and I tried to steady my breathing, which despite my breathlessness was trying to form sobs. Whenever I feel, for even a moment, the full truth of this— that you are gone forever, that I will never hear your voice again, that this is not temporary and I will never hug you again— I violently push those thoughts to the back of my mind. If I let myself really think about it I think I’d go mad. I think I’d start to scream and never stop. I think I’d want to die too.

You never told me that so much of surviving grief is trying not to think about it. You also never told me how impossible that feels.

Today, everything has reminded me of you. I came home after being out for a few hours and feeling awful and exhausted and my first thought was “I can’t wait to just go lie down and call Aunt Barb.” And then my breath caught in my chest as I remembered. Small things kept cropping up— like when I’d think of something I wanted to tell you, or when I passed the greeting card aisle at the drugstore and remembered the birthday card I already bought for you that is still sitting on my desk. Or when my dad and I talked and my first thought after hanging up was that you’d probably have something interesting to say about some of the things he said. And when he told me just to be grateful for the time I did have for you. I wanted to scream— because I’m so grateful for you, and I was just as grateful when you were here. But I can be grateful for the time I was so lucky to have with you and also miss you more than I can bear. I can be grateful for nearly ten years feeling so loved by you, while simultaneously needing more time with you. And I know you’d understand that. So when he said that to me it made me ache. I never thought you’d be the first one to go, you know? Somehow I was always sure it would be one of my other grandparents. I feel like a horrible person for saying it but I wish it was. My Baba, talking about you, told me “I never thought I’d outlive her. She was healthier and stronger.” And I’m not proud of it, but my first thought was— I thought so too— I’d hoped so, even. Obviously I’d have rather no one died at all, but I always kind of took for granted that I would have you there as a source of love and comfort when I experienced my first real loss as an adult. You have taught me so much about grief, but I still kind of thought you’d be there to help guide me through it when I lost someone myself.

I never thought it was likely that you’d be that someone. It happened so suddenly. No one was expecting it. I’m sure you weren’t either. Did you know, in that moment, that you were dying? Did it hurt? Were you afraid?

I didn’t take much with you for granted, other than, apparently, the belief that we had more time. I know you know this. I felt such love and gratitude for you— still do, always will— and I thanked G-d every day for the incredible gift of having you in my life. There is very little that brings me comfort when it comes to you being gone. I know I should take comfort in the fact that you lived a long, full life and that you died quickly and didn’t suffer. I’m sure those things will bring me comfort, eventually, when I’m less shell-shocked. What I do take comfort in is the fact that, when it comes to the things that are most important, there were no words left unsaid between us. You know what you mean to me and vice versa. I do have regrets, and I won’t get into them now, but they’re smaller. I know that when you died you knew beyond a shadow of a doubt how loved you were by so many people. How loved you are by me. I can at least take comfort in that.

I dreamt of you today. I couldn’t sleep last night (can I ever?) but I’m so sick I’m just exhausted and I basically slept through the day. I dreamt of you, as I have often both before and after— well. Both before and after. This was the first time I dreamt of you actively dying since it happened. You were in a hospice (although that hospice room looked a whole lot like the porch I slept on when I would come to visit). David and Evie were there. You were breathing but not really conscious. I kept begging you to stay with me. There was no response. Waking up was a rollercoaster ride; my first thought was “oh thank G-d that was just a dream”; my second thought was “Is it a good time to give her a call?” It took a good long moment this time for my brain to catch up to reality and when it did I wanted to die. I couldn’t cry so my jaw just dropped in a silent scream. It was waking from a nightmare and into a night terror. I’m so glad you were never sick or suffering like that. I’m so glad you lived in that home you loved until the end. I’m so glad for those things. But that was a dream and this is reality. You can wake up from a dream. There is no escape from this. And days like today— four weeks without you, feeling so far from you, wanting— no, needing— to talk to you, missing you so acutely I can’t bear it, my fever making everything feel worse— I would do just about anything to escape.

I don’t know how you did this. I always knew you were stronger than I am. I could’ve done without this clear demonstration.

I miss you so much. I love you so much. Please, please come back to me. In any form. Show me you’re still here. I can’t feel you. You’re like a dream. I don’t know who I am— I never realized that you were such a significant part of my identity. I feel like a stranger to myself. I miss you. Please make this end. Please.

I love you forever

Emily

[because-of-a-friend]

Should I Hold Your Hand?

MASTERLIST

Not me completing the Halloween fics in May... Oops. I’m trying to be better with my time management guys, it’s just a little hard because I started writing four books at once because I’m stupid I guess??? But I’ve hit sort of a lull with those projects so I’m gonna start working on some drafts here to pick myself back up! Let’s just consider this as me being super early for the next Halloween season lol

Thanks for the request anon! Hope you like it! I only have three drafts left after this one and then I’ll start answering inbox requests! 

Remember gifs aren’t mine, link to OP is on the bottom if you want to go give the original creator some love!

SORRY I LET THIS ACCOUNT DIE FOR AWHILE GUYS :((((

Word Count: 1.1K

Warnings: People watching a scary movie and getting a lil scared, let me know if I missed any!

You and Wonwoo had only been official for around a week

He had asked you if he could be your boyfriend after only a few dates

Which meant despite officially being your boyfriend

The two of you were still in the stage of learning about each other and trying to fit into each other’s lives

Which is why you frantically readjusted everything in your house over and over and over again before he came over for movie night

“I should put the throw pillows on the couch and the blanket on the chair”

...

“No that’s stupid, it should be the other way around”

You wring your hands as you walk around and inspect any part of the house he might be in as if you’ll stumble upon a giant mess you had somehow missed while cleaning

You set out snacks and drinks and just hope your new bf will have a good time

Three sharp knocks sound on your door and you practically sprint to open it

“Hi!” you greet, trying not to sound so nervous over him being in your house for the first time

“Hey, babe,” he gives you one of his winning smiles before leaning in to kiss your cheek

He looks so darling in his hoodie and sweats and you’re just so excited to have a casual night in with him

The two of you spend a good amount of time snacking and talking about your days

Wonwoo keeps subtly scooting closer to you on the couch and you’re practically grinning at the action

Your knee is resting on his thigh by the time he finally asks you what movie you had planned on the two of you watching

“Oh... well I don’t know if you like horror movies but...”

You trail off and try to guage his reaction

Wonwoo smiles at you, “The boys make me watch whatever they want, we can watch anything you want”

He leans up to brush his thumb across your hairline

Your heart skips a beat at the action and you lean away quickly to grab the remote and hope he doesn’t see how flustered you got over one touch

He does notice but he keeps the wide smile on his face to himself, willing it to reduce once you turn back towards him

For the first twenty or so minutes of the movie, Wonwoo is just trying to find ways to get closer to you, hardly even paying attention to the screen in front of him

He settles for pressing his side against yours and picking up snacks that are on your side of the coffee table so he has an excuse to lean over you and set his hand on your knee- even if it’s just for a second

But then the movie suddenly gets really intense really quickly

Enough to grab both of your attentions away from taking chances to steal glances at each other

Wonwoo realizes that your taste in horror movies might be outside his wheelhouse- in fact it’s even a little more intense than the movies that the horror fanatics in the dorm watch

He starts to feel a little nervous as his mind wanders with all the scenarios the movie presents

The next time you feel Wonwoo’s hand on your knee, it is significantly warmer

You turn quickly to face him, wondering if he’s getting sick

But you’re met with the sight of Wonwoo absolutely enraptured with the film, his eyebrows in a deep furrow

He’s pulling his bottom lip inwards to chew on it

It makes you want to pull him into your arms straight away but you resist, you already knew Wonwoo preferred to be the one to initiate physical contact and also preferred for it to be short and sweet and you didn’t want to push it with the relationship being so new

So you let him keep his hand on your knee and continued to check on him every few minutes 

His grip keeps tightening on your leg until you finally decide to speak up

He jumps when you say, “We can watch something else”

You laugh a little in surprise at his reaction

“Wonwoo are you ok?”

He nods and smiles at his own reaction

“Sorry, I guess I just got too wrapped up in the movie. It’s ok, we can keep watching!”

“Are you sure? I didn’t even ask what kind of movies you like...”

“[Y/N], baby, it’s really ok.”

...

“Should I hold your hand?”

Wonwoo turns red at your question and ducks his head ever so slightly

He lifts his hand up from your knee, enough for you to slip your hand into his

It’s hot and sweaty and so uncomfortable but it’s still one of the best moments from the beginning of your relationship

Wonwoo uses this connection between the two of you as leverage to pull you closer as the movie continues and increases in fear factor

It doesn’t go unnoticed by you

You finally invite him in by opening your arms up and giving him the freedom to accept the embrace or turn away

Wonwoo grins as he settles into your arms

You talk him through the movie, trying to tell him jokes to keep him happy while you stroke his hair

It’s only when the credits are rolling that you notice he’s sleeping

You selfishly stay there for awhile, appreciating the way he snuggles into you and presses his nose against your neck

But you remember him saying that he has to be awake early the next morning

He needs to get back to the dorm so he can get a good night’s sleep

You start tracing a finger up and down his back

“Wonwoo,” you coo, “you have to get home”

He groans before fitting his arms around your waist and squeezing

You ruffle the hair at the back of his head, “Wonwoo, hey, get up”

He groans again, digs his nose further into your neck before finally relenting and sitting back

You help him brush his hair out of his face

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to sleep”

“No complaints here” you gesture to his arms still around you

Wonwoo gives you a goofy smile before leaning in and brushing his nose against yours before fully getting up off the couch

You follow him into the kitchen and get him a glass of water

“I’m still sorry, though,” Wonwoo keeps a grip on your sleeve as he follows you around, “I’ll plan another date night for us soon”

“Then I definitely have no complaints”

Wonwoo surprises you one last time as he says goodbye, sneaking a hand around your waist and pulling you into him

His lips meet yours and in his sleepy state, he shamelessly gives you a heated and intense kiss

You’re breathless when he pulls away

He gives you a tired smile before walking out the door and promising the text you soon

[its-deputy-caleb]

How would the Lord’s be with a s/o who’s short like 5’0 but they’re super sweet but can be feisty

Heyy so i’ve been sick recently so this may not be as good as always and it’s a little rushed but i hope it’s not too bad! but this was still always enjoyable to write as always! enjoy

Alcina Dimitrescu

Alcina is lecturing one of the maidens for leaving one of the windows open when she feels something tapping on her leg.

Her eyebrow raises when she finds you tugging on the fabric of her dress, your hands covered in blood.

She picks you up by the back of your shirt as you give her the brightest but cheekiest smile.

“Now what have you been up to in these castle walls that has led you to put blood all over my dress.”

Your legs dangle in the air as you explain that you’ve spend the last four hours running around in the cellars and dungeons trying to find hidden trinkets. You didn’t anticipate to run into an array of grim reaper type creatures but you never turned down a challenge.

“My my, it seems you have been busy.”

Alcina throws you over her shoulder and carries you into her private quarters before she practically dumps you in the bath that swallows you.

“You, my dear are not coming to dinner looking like that.”

She’s seated on the edge of the tub, gloves removed as she rubs her expensive rose scented shampoo in your hair. For a moment it’s quite peaceful.

You’re ever the troublemaker and considering Alcina’s dress was already dirty you couldn’t help but splash water on her.

She grasps but plays into your cheeky ways and splashes you back just as playfully until you’re both soapy and covered in water.

You both dress for dinner with Alcina insisting you wear some of your more finer clothes but you still manage to pull some buttons loose here and there.

Although you’re a wild one, bouncing down the hallway and nearly knocking over one of Alcina’s fine porcelain vases, you still take her hand in yours and walk proudly into the dinner room with your lady.

You take your place at the dining table next to Alcina, your chair significantly higher to sit comfortably but she definitely pampered you with some of the finest cushions to boost you up.

Still you can’t help but feel happy and full of joy to see your family and that only lifts your mood further.

Donna Beneviento

Donna walks into the lounge room to find you chasing angie around, trying to get to her from behind the couch.

“You’ll never take me alive!!”

You’re just as crazy and rambunctious as Angie, the two of you instantly getting along. Donna smiles when she finds that Angie finally found a friend and she’s thrilled that Angie is taken with you.

“Will you two calm down before you break something!”

The two of you stop to stare at Donna who is holding a porcelain doll in her hands to stop it from being broken as you practically jump around the room.

But somehow through all your wildness you have a soft spot for Donna. Slowing your movements and walking up to her, you wrap your arms around her neck and hide your head under her chin.

“I’m sorry Dons, will you come exploring with Angie and I in the mountains??”

With you and Angie on either side of Donna, the three of you spend your afternoon exploring the caves near the waterfall.

Jumping over pools of rocks and mini cliffs, you always go first holding your hand out to Donna each time so she can hold onto while she jumps.

You’re always there to catch her too. It’s a little hard when you’re smaller than her but you’d never let her fall.

Eventually you come to an opening in one of the caves. The view is spectacular, with the waterfall cascading down and catching the fading light beautifully.

Your hand is in Donna’s gently rubbing your thumb on the back of her hand. However in a split second Angie comes up and surprises her with a loud BOO.

Donna’s surprised shriek rings in the cave she thinks she’s going to fall from the height of the cave, Angie’s creepy laughter eventually drowns it out.

You wrap your arms around her, keeping a calm but gentle hand on the back of her head to steady her.

“It’s alright, I gotcha now”

You hug Donna tightly, death glaring Angie behind her shoulder. When you pull away, you take Donna’s face and cradle it gently in your hands.

“Common, lets go home I could do with a nice warm cup of tea to go with a good book.”

Even though Donna was less adventurous as you were, she always enjoyed running around with you and Angie but you always spoiled her afterwards with a warm night in under blankets and warm tea while you read to her.

Salvatore Moreau

Salvatore was walking around the windmill trying to find you when he’s interrupted by a rather loud noise.

“HEY SAL GUESS WHO’S FINALLY TALLER THAN U??”

He audibly grasps when he sees you sitting on the wooden sail of windmill, smiling down on him.

You jump down and land in front of him, giggling at the small scream that leaves him. Stepping forward and into his space you place a kiss on his cheek.

“It’s me!!”

You take Salvatore’s hand in your own and lead him to explore all the nooks and crannies of the windmill with him.

Eventually you run off from him and hide behind one of the wooden crates stacked in the corner.

Poor Salvatore is confused by where you’ve gone trying to find you frantically as he runs around looking for you. You had the advantage however, being small had its perks sometimes.

When he’s not looking you run up and jump him from behind, your hands wrapping around his neck as you cling to him.

His laugh bounces off the valley and he spins around with you in a piggyback. One of your favourite things is making him laugh.

You spend the next few hours playing what is basically hide and seek as you run around all through the windmills, reservoir and mines doing your best to stay clear of any lycans.

You’re a wild card in Salvatore’s otherwise quiet life, but he loves you nonetheless. But you don’t miss the way his hand clings to yours in a death grip.

However, sometimes you’re a little too wild for his comfort zone and he definitely refused to do the zip line with you. But he cheered for you from his place on the ground because he never wants you to change the way you are. To him, you’re perfect.

Karl Heisenberg

Karl is always used to strange noises and loud bangs within the factory, but after living there for as long as he had; he can always tell when somethings out of place.

A rather large crash rings throughout the halls of the factory and Karl begrudgingly puts out his cigar, hoping that one of the Soldats hadn’t broken any of his equipment.

When he walks into a smelting room he finds you on the floor with metal boxes all over you and you buried under the toppled over shelf.

Karl flicks his wrist and all the metal moves to the corner of the room to reveal you huffing your hair out of your face.

You were looking for a mould to craft a new dagger with, sorting through the assortment of boxes when it all came falling down on top of you.

Karl moves his wrist once more, moving the mould you were looking for to his hand, a smug look on his face. He knew. For the last few weeks he’d seen you eyeing out that mould when you came to sit with him while he worked.

“Looking for something?”

You stand to your feet and try to snatch it out of his hand. Karl sees you coming from a mile away and holds it above your head, he doesn’t even need to use his powers for this one, his arm will do just fine.

He’s cocky and can��t help but torment the thing over your head like a child but in an instant you have him tackled to the ground. Now that one he didn’t see coming.

“Don’t think for a moment Heisenberg that just because I’m small that i couldn’t totally kick your ass if i needed to.”

Now you’re the one to be cocky as Karl stares in awe up at you, it took a lot of strength and maybe a hint of luck to bring down someone as powerful as him.

Eventually you let him up from his kindly uncomfortable position on the floor, his back strained against the metal grates. You totally don’t threaten to throw him at Alcina’s doorstep if he doesn’t make that new dagger for you.

Karl loved that about you, how feisty and wild you could be. It meant you were a great training partner and both of you either trained together often. Being small had its too. One thing Karl lacked was finesse and you were much more agile and skilled in your movements.

Other times you’d help Karl out in the factory by lifting boxes of scrap metal or even welding some of the weapons. He absolutely loved that about you, how he could easily be comfortable with you and his heart swelled when he could teach you all that he knew about metal. For the first time in a long time it felt like someone was on his side.

One day Karl saw you take a Soldat out with your new dagger and to say that it didn’t scare the shit out of him would be a fucking lie. Soldats were taller than him for christ sake.

Karl loved you though. He loved how fierce you were but you had the heart of gold and to him, you were this perfect little being that made his heart beat twice as fast when he was with you.

He loved that you could hold your own and would stand up to anyone but in the closed doors of the factory he got to see a softer more tender side of you filled with tender kisses and tight hugs.

[nat-20s]

8 for jmart?

#8- constantly cheacking their messages for words from the other

what else was I gonna do? here's some classic ol' season 3 pining babey

Hello Martin. This is Jon. I have gotten a new phone after losing my last one, please put in the new number.

It's a simple message. Straightforward, factual, and utilitarian. There is no reason that pressing send should make his heart race. There's especially no reason that the second he sends it off, he's tempted to lie on the deeply uncomfortable, likely bedbug infested motel mattress staring at his screen until he gets a response. Sure, he's sick of being overseas, and he's sick of being so isolated, and he's sick of running, but he's not...desperate for what little companionship can even be provided by words on a screen.

He does miss Martin, though. He misses Tim as well, but in a manner that's significantly more complex and knotted than the simple desire to be around him.

God, when did he start wanting to just be around Martin? He started being aware of that want when he was at Georgie's, but he has no idea when the want itself actually started. That was probably something he should examine. Technically speaking, that is something that he has time to examine, but he doesn't want to examine right now. Right now, he wants the comfort of perhaps one of the only people out there that doesn't want to kill him, or use him, or both.

Martin, whether through somehow sensing Jon's discontent from nearly 4000 miles away or, more likely, through a general dutifulness inherent to his character, only takes a few minutes to reply. Oh good! it'd been a little bit since hearing from you, we were somewhat worried. putting you in my contacts as we speak :)!

Saying that "we" were worried is almost certainly generous on Martin's part, but Jon feels no need to point that out. Instead he turns on his side and stares at the phone. He particularly focuses on the smiley face, ridiculously charmed by the fact that, despite everything, Martin hasn't lost his predilection for emojis. Two years ago, he would've rolled his eyes, maybe thought something snide about professionalism. It wouldn't have been fair, as Tim used to do the same thing and he thought nothing of it, but he wasn't fair back then. Now, he simply wonders if he can get away with sending one back.

Before he can respond, Martin sends another message. Are you actually alright? I realized I was kind of assuming that losing your phone was the only reason you were MIA, but is anything else going on?

Damn. He tends to forget how perceptive Martin can be. What, exactly, Martin had perceived in that first message, Jon couldn't be sure, but apparently there was something that tipped him off to the..eventful last week he'd had. He really, really doesn't feel like getting into all of that right now, especially not over text, so instead he replies a mostly truthful I'm fine.

Then, squinting at the screen and realizing that might come across as a dismissal, he adds, Well, other than trying not to contemplate the general sanitation practices of a motel that clearly hasn't updated it's decor since the 70s. I'm suspecting the sheets are much the same.

He doesn't know how Martin will react to the message. He can't see the face he'll make, won't know the tone of his voice. However, he likes to imagine that Martin will at least smile. Maybe he'll even give that breath of a laugh, the one that sometimes happens when Jon's being lightly acerbic and it's not directed at him. He doesn't know, but he does hope for it. Martin texts back Oof. Maybe sleep on top of the covers tonight, yeah?, and Jon thinks that he might have guessed Martin's reaction correctly.

Christ, who knew all it took was a combination of jetlag and threats to turn him into a sap. He needs to sleep. He really needs a deep, proper, uninterrupted sleep, one lasting a minimum of eight hours and ideally closer to fifteen. Checking the time, it would be a fairly reasonable time to sleep, especially with the early start he has tomorrow. He considers sending off a quick good night message, but then has the realization that as reasonable as it is for him to be asleep right now, it's just as unreasonable for Martin to be awake. Are you alright? Good lord, Martin, it's almost 4am over there. Did I wake you?

Barely 30 seconds pass before he gets back no, you're good!

A beat, then a follow up message. I've had a irregular sleep schedule since I was like 16. A lot of evening and night shifts had a lasting impact u know? Working at the institute made it a bit more consistent but it's still p rare that i sleep the same eight hours night to night.

Jon's starts to text back something sympathetic; he's had his own struggles with both in- and hyper- somnia, but his phone buzzes in his hand before he can finish it.

Sorry! That was uh probably more information than you wanted.

Well, that just won't do. Even if there wasn't a part of his brain that had recently started collecting facts about Martin like they were precious jewels instead of mostly mundane stories, he doesn't want Martin to think he can't talk to him about things outside of the standard bounds of coworkers. Not at all. We're friends, Martin, I enjoy learning about you.

His brain wants to catastrophize the second he presses send. For the first minute that Martin doesn't reply, he doesn't let it. After the second minute, he allows the minor worry to become more severe. Had it been too much? Were they friends? Jon certainly thought so, but what if Martin wasn't in the same boat? Their interactions had been entirely friendly for months now, but what if that was just Martin being polite? God, what if Martin still thought of Jon as his boss, nothing more?

Ten minutes. It takes ten minutes for Martin to finally respond, and Jon has almost called him four times to explain himself. Ten minutes, and the first response is only Oh!

Then: Cool

Well, that's not a "piss off and die", but it's not exactly comforting. Jon doesn't know how to reply, staring at the words on his screen and not entirely sure if he's fucked up or not. Fortunately, Martin's not done responding, and the next message is much, much better.

Hey uh. Feel free to say no I know it's getting late over there but. Im not getting back to sleep for the rest of the day and itd be nice to actually hear you. Would you be okay with a call?

Without a moment's hesitation, he texts back Yes!, exclamation and all, because he's become someone he barely recognizes. The phone rings just as immediately, and he feels his entire body relax at Martin's first "Hello?"

Things are difficult right now. Things have been difficult ever since the promotion that was a curse in disguise. The world is filled with monsters he barely understands. He wishes he was home despite the fact that he barely recognizes it, as filled with tension and strife as it is. There's so much to discuss, so many things they should be hammering out. But right now, the threats are not pressing. Right now, he can hear about the bad true crime documentary Martin half-watched before he got Jon's texts, and Jon can bitch about the three different "pip pip cheerio" comments he's gotten since coming over seas. Right now, and for the hour before Jon drifts off, breathing slow and deep, he can pretend that this is an ordinary phone call, in an ordinary world, between two people who simply miss each other an extraordinary amount.

[folklorelise]

Captain’s girlfriend being the Mom of the survey corps

You are Levi’s girlfriend, and you LOVE taking care of these kids.

  - Background story

As a kid, you grew up next to Levi and his mother’s door. Your mothers knew each other since they used to work together. You and Levi very soon became inseparable. You would always play together during daytime; you would sleep together too because neither of you wanted to leave each other. You mother died when you were four, and very soon after that a farmer came and took you in. You tried to resist because you wanted to stay with Levi but the military police intervened. You didn’t even get to say goodbye to Levi and you were gone. Levi did not understand why from one day to another, you just disappeared. He asked his mom where you were, but she had no idea too.

”Is it because she doesn’t love me anymore?” Levi wondered.

”I’m sure she loves you, don’t worry about that my angel.” Kuchel reassured him while hugging him.

On your side, the farmer told you that he was your father. Your mother had succeeded, somehow, to send him a letter telling him how she knew she was sick. As a dying wish, she asked him to come and take care of you.

”I want to go back! I have a friend there and I didn’t get to say goodbye.”

”I’m sorry but the Underground is dangerous. You’re much safer here in wall Sina.”

Since then, you lived with your father helping him with the farms. Your father’s farm helped feeding the three military branches, so it was important to work hard. At the age of eighteen, it was time for you to choose a career. Younger, you thought about joining the training corps, but you father was against it, so you continued studying and finally began training as a nurse. You worked with Doctor Yeager a lot and once your trainings were completed, you decided to join the survey corps as nurse to help. You were twenty-one when that happened.

Your first friend was Hange. They would come into the infirmary very often due to their experiments. It was the only friendship you made since you arrived - you didn’t know how to make friends but Hange was very sociable, so they introduced you to Erwin and Mike. One day, you were eating with Hange in your office and you were talking about the latest news.

”Erwin just brought in three recruits!”

”Is that even allowed?” you asked surprised.

”Apparently. They were all against it because they’re from the underground. But I’ve seen them in action, and they are amazing. Even more because they had no training. You have to see them in action, because one of them, Levi, is truly a titan slayer god.” Hange blabbered.

”Levi?” you wondered, could it be your Levi? It has been a very long time, but he was only friend when you were a kid. Was he still alive? If so, did he change? Surprisingly, you still looked a lot like when you were a kid (according to your father).

”Yeah that’s his name, and his friends are here too — Isabel and Furlan. They are probably training right now if you want to meet them.”

”Why not!”

You finished your meal and went to the training grounds.

”FLAGON! Hi!” Hange screamed.

”Hange and my favourite nurse!” Flagon smiled, ”If you are here to meet my new members, they are killing titans.”

”Y/N come, let’s find them!”

Hange took your arm and run through the trees and once you spotted them, you stopped. They were good. One of them turned their head to where you and Hange were and for a second, you two made eye contact. He froze for a second but quickly continued to kill fake titans.

”Are you okay?” Hange asked you worried. ”You look like you’ve seen a titan.”

”No, I’m good but I have to go, I just remembered how I had some paperwork to do. Hm I’ll see you later!” you explained before running away.

Once the three of them were done training, they met Hange and Flagon again.

”Who was that girl?” Levi asked abruptly.

”Why do you care?” Flagon answered.

”Just tell me.” Levi urged clenching his teeth.

”That was our nurse.” Hange responded to avoid more conflict between the two of them.

”I want her name!” Levi growled exasperated.

”It’s Y/N, why?”

Levi didn’t answer Hange and just left rapidly. Isabel and Furlan were just as confused as the two squad leaders. You lock yourself in your office, panting a little because you ran to there. Levi knew where the infirmary was so he just knocks on your office’s door. He tried to open the door when you did not answer but it was locked.

”You’re a nurse, you can’t ignore your patients!” Levi yelled. ”Open the door now! Y/N!”

You unlocked the door and opened it slowly. You were scared to look at him so you’re eyes were fixed on his shoes. He gently pushed you inside so you would both have privacy. After a minute or two of silence, Levi suddenly took you in his arms.

”I thought that you were dead,” Levi mumbled, ”when you didn’t came that day, I thought that I’d never see you again.”

”I’m sorry,” you said hugging him back, ”a man came in when my mom died and he said that he was my father and since then, he took care of me. What about you? What are doing here? How’s your mom?” you asked softly.

”Erwin took us in,” Levi revealed briefly, ”and my mom died a few days after you were gone.”

”Oh... I’m so sorry about that.” you said looking at him.

”I’m glad you’re here.”

Since that day, you two spent all your free time together. Very soon enough, you met Levi’s friends. You loved spending time with them, and everything was fine. Until that expedition, where both Furlan and Isabel died. You tried your best to be there for Levi but it was difficult between all the amount of work you had to do after each expedition. So, at night, you would sneak into his room that he used to share with Furlan, but now it was just him. Levi was on his bed, curled up on himself. You would just lay beside him, with your arms around him. You were sleeping together just like you used to when you were kids. Since that day, Levi never let you go back to your old bed.

  - First meeting with the 104th cadets

As head of the medical team, you volunteered to do rounds at the training headquarters because some of the kids were incredibly clumsy. It was the first week of training and you would constantly be visited by Eren. That kid was way too into trainings and wouldn’t mind hurting himself.

”Eren you should really calm down a little bit on the trainings.”

”No! I have to become a survey corps soldier so I can defeat ALL THE TITANS!” Eren screamed determined. Mikasa behind who just grab Eren and forced him to sit on his chair so you could stitch him up.

  —————

  The next kid that you would often see was Armin. He was constantly cold during winter and you would order him to rest instead of training. He would have to stay with you because otherwise, he would continue training because he was determined to pass his evaluations.

”If I rest too long, I’ll forget everything!” Armin tried to explain.

”I don’t want you to get hurt if you work out while being sick like this. You would have to wear so many layers of clothes that you couldn’t even put your ODM gear on.”

Once, you had to come urgently because Armin got extremely sick during winter. And he requested to have you here because apparently, sick Armin is really picky. You couldn’t refuse of course. You took the medicine you had for a cold and some extra blankets because you knew there was not any at the training corps and left. Armin was curled up on himself with his winter coat as well as Mikasa’s on top him.

”Armin, hey, I’m here.” you woke him up gently by sitting next to him.

”My head...” Armin whimpered.

”I know, I asked another nurse to boil some water and. It’s going to get better,” you reassured him, ”here’s some extra blankets I took for you.” you showed him the two blankets and put them on him and took off the coats.

After a few days of intense care from you, Armin started to feel better already. But never enough for him to go back training and once you heard him talking with Eren and Mikasa.

”If I’m better now she’s going to leave and that means no more bedtime stories or anything!”

That night you told him that you had to leave because the survey corps had an expedition, he next morning.

”But you’re not a survey corps soldier.” Armin said confused.

”But I am the nurse assigned for the expeditions.”

”What? But isn’t that too dangerous?”

”I had a lot of training believe me, and I have been doing that for five years now so I think I’m good. But thank you for worrying about me.” you laughed softly. ”I’ll be back in a few weeks alright?”

Armin only nodded and fell back to sleep.

  —————

  Reiner would constantly come for minor injuries or fake ones just because he liked hanging out in the infirmary. Reiner was too adorable for you to send him away. Bertolt would very often be with Reiner, and he would too often apologise for Reiner behaviour.

”I know you must be very busy, We shouldn’t bother you any longer.” Bertolt would blabber.

”Not at all! You kids are too adorable and nice for me to throw you outside.” you reassured them which would always lead to you giving them a hug after. You would remember the first time you hugged Reiner, he back up so brutally that it just confused you.

”What’s wrong? Are you hurt somewhere?” you asked worried.

”No! I-I was just... surprised.”

”Well get used to that then.” you joked before hugging him again.

  —————

  You remember once Jean broke his arm so he couldn’t eat by himself and you had to feed him his soup and bread. Jean was sitting with his friend, but he couldn’t go and grab his food and earlier you had told him to wait for you. Five minutes after, you appeared next to him with his soup and bread and fruit.

”Thanks Y/N but I think I can eat by myself.” Jean said with a grin. You didn’t leave and instead just watched him struggle with his left arm. He would spill half of his spoon on the table but he didn’t ask for help. You took the spoon out of his hand and took a spoonful of soup and blow on it so it wouldn’t be too hot. You put your hand under the spoon and expected Jean to eat the food without protest but that didn’t happen.

”Jean, just eat the food.”

”No! I-”

”Open your mouth before I make you.” you ordered with a firm voice.

Everyone was surprised by your tone since you were always so calm and patient. Jean stopped protestant and ate his food. Once you were done you cleaned his plates and went back to your office without another word. Just before you were ready to go back to the survey corps headquarters, your door opened on Jean.

”Shouldn’t you be sleeping at this hour?” you asked softly.

”I...” he hesitated while blushing a little, ”I’m sorry about earlier. You just — you were just helping me, and I was... a jerk...”

”Jean, it’s fine.”

”You promise?”

”I promise, don’t worry. Now go back to bed, I have to leave soon.”

”When are you coming back?”

”Very soon, so until then, ask Marco to help you eat.”

    - The night of the ceremony

Erwin was delivering his prepared speech, that he had practiced on you and Levi a least a thousand times. You would listen to him attentively in front of the crow. And in the end, only a bunch of them stayed. You would of course see Eren, Armin and Mikasa together. You greeted them and everyone else. You saw Jean sitting alone — you were surprised to see him here since you thought that he would join the MP. Your approached him and sat next to him.

”Are you okay? Where’s Marco?” you wondered.

”Marco’s dead.”

You didn’t say anything and just took Jean in your arms. He rested his head on you shoulder and cried a little.

    - Jean can sleep after Marco’s death

You were in Levi’s office, doing paperwork with him as usual.

”You love these kids too much.” Levi stated.

”What? I like them a little.”

”Oh please. You spent all your free during these last three years with them.”

”It’s my job to take care of them.” you laughed.

”They weren’t even that badly injured.”

”Aw, were you jealous? You just have to tell me and I’m all yours.” you teased him.

”You already are.” Levi expressed with a smirk.

”Oh, I’m out of tea, I’ll be right back.” you warned Levi before leaving, but not before a kiss to your boyfriend.

You walked to the kitchen with your two cups and boiled some water. You poured some water in your cups and left the kitchen which leads to the mess hall. A small figure was sitting alone at the back. You walked closer to that person and quickly noticed Jean.

”Can’t sleep?” you asked softly.

”Every time I close my eyes, I keep seeing Marco’s half body just lying there... alone.”

”I know it’s hard, especially because you just spent three entire years with him.” you sat next to him, ”but you need to rest. You are part of the survey corps now and it’s a lot of work.”

”I can’t fall asleep...”

”Go back to bed and I’ll be there, I just have to take these,” you showed the cups of tea, ”to someone and I’ll be there okay?”

He nodded and left. You ran to Levi’s office and told him what happened.

”You love these kids too much.” Levi repeated.

”I’m sorry, it’s just...”

”Y/N, it’s fine,’ Levi reassured you smiling, ”plus, I know how that Jean boy is your favourite so just go but come back to bed with me!” Levi screamed as you ran out of his office as soon as he said it was fine.

Once in front of Jean’s bedroom that he shared with Connie, you opened the door gently. Connie was sleeping on the top of the bunk bed. Jean was sitting on his bed waiting for you. You sat next to him and took off your shoes.

”I once managed to get a guy who would only sleeps three hours top every night to have a better schedule of sleep. So, I think I can get you to sleep.” you told Jean.

Jean had his head on your lap, and you sat against the wall. You started to tell one of the stories your dad used to tell you when you couldn’t sleep. While doing that, you would of course play with his hair because according to Levi ”that sh!t’s amazing to help me sleep so do it”. Soon after Jean fall asleep. You wanted to leave but he had his arms around you too tight. After an hour of waiting, Levi opened the door with a confused expression.

”What are you still doing here?” Levi asked quietly.

”Jean isn’t letting me go.” you showed his arms around you.

”I’m going to kill that boy tomorrow when training!” Levi yelled softly.

Levi then helped you get out of Jean’s arms. You kissed his forehead before leaving him sleep.

”I’m never going to say this enough but you love these kids too much.”

”I do.” you confessed.

”You shouldn’t.”

”I know, they are strange-”

”No. I’m saying this because if they end up dying in the next few expeditions, you’ll never get over it. And I don’t like seeing you all sad.” he explained.

”I knoow, but I can’t help it if they are all so adorable!”

—————

PART 2: here

MASTERLIST

[lubdubsworld]

The Devil’s Own.

Jungkook x OC

Mafia Au!

Warnings : Non-Con ! Manipulation, Degradation, Shitty hero with no redeeming Qualities you have been warned. ( i mean he does get better but not much.) 

Summary : Just Mob Boss Jungkook doing mob boss things. 

Chapter 1

“ Sign it. ”

I glared at him, feeling sick at the tone. The entitlement.

“No.” I said sharply and I could feel his anger swelling, morphing into something dangerous and deadly but I couldn’t care anymore. I was tired. Exhausted. This cat and mouse game had gone on , long enough. It wasn’t an even playing field, in any sense of the qword.

If today was the day I died, so be it. I would accept it. I would even welcome it.

I was done.

He had everything : an empire at his beck and call , enough money to pave the streets of Seoul in gold and an army of loyal associates behind him. His face was plastered on Billboards across the country , the President posted pictures of him on his fucking SNS and delegates from other countries had to wait weeks , just to get an appointment with the youngest billionaire South Korea had ever seen.

And yet none of those white collared dignitaries saw this side of him. The dirty, violent ruthless man who had more blood on his hands than anyone else in the country. My father’s. My brothers’.

Jeon Jungkook was both the most revered business man in the country and the undisputed king of Seoul’s criminal underbelly.

“You defiance only makes me want to break you in other ways Elena.” He said warningly and I felt my throat go dry. I stared at him, wondering how someone could look so expensively gorgeous and yet, like a hardened criminal.

The expensive silk shirt, the fitted slacks and the handmade shoes ought to clash with the dark ink that covered his entire arm and neck, the piercing on his eyebrow and the glint of metal on his tongue but it didn’t.

It just all came together to make him the most attractive man in existence.

I took a deep breath. Perhaps begging was the way to go?

“ You have my father’s company. You have my brother’s Hospital and you have the family mansion. It’s all yours. This bakery belongs to my mother. It’s all I have left of her. My sister in law is pregnant , due any day. She needs a place to stay and I don’t… I don’t have money to rent anywhere else.” I said desperately, thinking of the paltry wage I earned waiting tables. I could barely afford food for myself let alone for Jisoo and the baby on the way.

The bakery was abandoned but it had a roof. The furniture was crumbling but I could fix that. If I didn’t have to worry about rent, I could save up enough to make it livable. At least till I got a better job.

“I’ve offered you solutions for all of that.” He reminded me softly, eyes trained unblinkingly on me and I stared at him.

“I’m not going to be your whore.” I felt my voice shake.

He grimaced.

“You aren’t qualified to be my whore. And I don’t need one either. Whores are not my thing. I have a beautiful fiancée, don’t you remember? ” He grinned. I felt my heart ache because that fiancée was once my best friend. The only person I had trusted with my entire life. Lisa had betrayed my trust, had spied on my father’s operations and brought him down and I had the horrible, horrible inkling that she had also had something to do with my father and brother’s untimely death in a car crash.

But I couldn’t think about that. Every time I thought about her my heart broke and head spun, and I had to be at my maximum mental capacity if I was going to deal with her heartless fiancée.

“ If you ask me, you’re not fit for anything more than a back alley blowjob for a couple bucks. But Hoseok thinks you have potential. Join his agency, there are a lot of very wealthy men who have a bone to pick with your father. He made a shit ton of enemies. Most of them would love to fuck the defiance out of you. ”

His words felt like worms crawling all over my skin and I could feel the nausea churn inside me.

“I’m not signing the bakery over. You can call the creditors. I still have another year and half to pay the one remaining loan and they won’t come for me till then.” I felt my head begin to throb and Jungkook sighed.

“Suit yourself.” He stood up and I stayed still, watching his tall frame tower over me with ease. He gave me a small bitter smile. It was fraught with hatred and I stared back at him, knowing the emotion was probably mirrored in my gaze.

“Beautiful Elena. As pretty as the day you left me at the altar.” He smirked and I flushed.

“Your vengeance is petty and pointless and unfair…just like you.” I said angrily, frustration building u at his words. The way he talked about our broken engagement like it even mattered. It hadn’t even been real. We had hardly spoken and my father had called the wedding off at the last moment. But apparently, that had been the last straw for the Jeons. They had come after my father’s entire existence with a single minded intent to destroy him and they had succeeded. The man was dead . His two sons were dead.

But apparently it wasn’t enough.

Jungkook stared at me, slipping his hands into his pockets.

“Maybe. But it’s also deadly and potent. And it won’t rest until I see you reduced to nothing but a whore on the streets, spreading your legs for every man who can afford you.” He laughed. “ Saying no is a luxury , one that you’ll soon be unable to afford.”

I refused to be cowed, refused to give him the satisfaction of knowing that his words scared me. Because they did.

They scared me so damn much.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“This bed is so lumpy… I’m so sorry, unnie..” I said apologetically but Jisoo shook her head quickly, palms cupping my face as I held her elbows, gently lowering her to the bed. I stared at her feet, feeling my heart race at how swollen they looked. That can’t be normal, a voice whispered and

I didn’t know if that was normal and I had no money to take her to a clinic. The social center we usually went to only allowed three visits per month and we had used it all up. I wanted to throw caution to the wind and spend the thirty thousand won it would take but that would mean no groceries for a week and surely bread and eggs wouldn’t stretch that long, even if I could sneak meals in the restaurant for myself.

“I’ve been feeling a little dizzy…I’ll just sleep.” She said tiredly. She was thirty six weeks along, not due for another four weeks but her blood pressure was erratic. Her lab numbers were oscillating and there had been talks of an emergency c section. Even with insurance it was way more than I could afford but I had my own jewelry, a few expensive trinkets from my teenage years. I’d been obsessed with diamonds and my father had indulged me and I had a pair of earrings left. I’d already sold the rest but this would take care of the medical bills for the birth itself.

“My shift starts in ten minutes. I have to go. Give me a call if you need anything…” I said softly and I saw the familiar blank and listless look come into her eyes. I knew she was depressed, dealing with grief and pregnancy and loss but there was nothing I could do for her. Nothing. I had applied for a bunch of other jobs but they never wrote back. It wasn’t easy, being rejected over and over again but it wasn’t like there was much else I could do. And the truth was I was resigned to this, accepted that at some point I would have to take more loans and be stuck in an endless cycle of debt for the rest of my life.

And I had made peace with that.

There was no future for me. And I was okay with just surviving.

If only Jungkook would let me.

Apparently, watching me wipe down greasy tables and mop up floors and toilets trying to earn just enough to get a few square meals didn’t soothe his anger. It only fueled it. Jungkook couldn’t fathom that it had been six whole months of me on the streets of Seoul and I wasn’t completely destitute yet. I’d kept myself and my sister in law alive, safe and it pissed him off.

He wanted to see me broken and on my knees, begging him for help. The idea of me somehow surviving despite him taking everything away from me, it just didn’t sit well with him.

I couldn’t afford to have him as an enemy so all I could really hope was that one day he would wake up and give up. One day he would just wake up and decide that I wasn’t worth it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When I walked into my shift and noticed a familiar pair of high heeled Louboutins , completely out of place in my seedy place of employment, I knew I was in trouble. Lisa sat against one of the booths and her gaze was fixated on the door which meant she was waiting for someone. And when her eyes narrowed at the sight of me, I just knew I was the someone.

She wants to get me fired.

It wasn’t rocket science and I felt the urge to turn right back around and leave.  But I tamped down on it. I could get through this. I would get through this. Lisa and Jungkook got off on invoking reactions and I wouldn’t give them that.

Except it wasn’t that easy.

It was a nightmare, watching her demand and reject and walk all over me but the sleeplessness from the past few days made spacing out easier and I just stared away at the wall as she yelled and complained and made a scene.

“You’ve stopped fighting? Finally giving up? Good…” She hissed when the manager apologized to her and told me to meet him after my shift and I felt myself tremble in indignation.

“I won’t fight you or Jungkook, you and I both know I can’t afford to.” I said quietly and she went still, something flashing in her eyes for a second. It was gone before I could fully process it but it had been there. Guilt.

Lisa wasn’t a terrible human. She had been a dear friend. We had grown up together and she had even hugged and teased me when I’d been betrothed to Jungkook, all those years ago. I had been twenty back then, naïve and spoiled. While Jungkook had taken my father’s entire legacy apart, piece by piece, Lisa had been nothing more than a pawn. I remembered all the times I had let her home, how she would disappear for lengths of time.

Planting bugs all over the house. All over his office. Jungkook had been smart. Someone like Lisa, so fascinated by thr wealth she had grown up around would naturally jump at the idea of more. It wasn’t greed. It was human nature. And with her help he had destroyed everything my father had built over decades.

I shuddered. My father hadn’t been a good man. He had been greedy, yes. But he hadn’t deserved to die. And Jungkook would have to pay for that sin, someday.

“There’s a job waiting for you in Hoseok’s club.” She smiled cruelly , “ you don’t need this one.”

“The fact that you want to take it away from me, tells me that maybe there’s nothing left in you save.” I said blankly and she turned her nose up at me.

“I have Jungkook. I don’t need to be saved.”

I shook my head. She was so naïve. Men like Jungkook cared for nothing but themselves. But I wondered if women like her didn’t care for anything but the money that came with being his. Money was precious, I thought bitterly. I’d never realized how privileged I had been until I’d had it all ripped away.

“He’s the one you need saving from. And one day you’ll realize that.” I shrugged, not in the mood to offer her anymore life advice.  If she was alright with being a trophy wife in exchange for a few pretty shoes that was her prerogative.

Before she could reply,  my phone rang.

“Hello?” I asked nervously and I felt my heart drop to my knees when I heard who it was.

I turned on my heel rushing inside and my manager gave me a look of surprise.

“ My sister..she’s… she’s sick. I need to go.” I said desperately and his eyes narrowed. It was the worst timing. He was already annoyed because of Lisa and I stared in disbelief as he quickly shook his head.

“No. I’m sorry Elena…I just can’t let you leave like that…” He said sharply.

It was so unfair.

“I haven’t taken a single day off in five months…” I said desperately..” Please, she’s pregnant..She needs me, she-“

“If you leave, you won’t have a job to come back to. I can’t do this.. First you make trouble with a customer and now you just want to walk out in the middle of your shift without any notice…”

“Fine. Fire me.” I snapped, because I’d just had enough of it. I was exhausted, and tomorrow I’d go knocking on some other tore and I’d get a job. I lived in Seoul …How hard could it be? For now, I had to get to Jisoo. I had to get the hospital and things would be okay.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It wasn’t okay.

“I… You want to keep her in? So soon?”

“Her blood pressure is through the roof. There are signs of severe pre eclampsia and we want to get her started on a magnesium drip. Steroids to help the baby’s lungs incase we need to deliver…”

“Deliver..?” I couldn’t breathe.

“Yes, I’m sorry…. If her blood pressure doesn’t come down we’re going to have to deliver.”

I nodded, glancing at the bed where Jisoo was sleeping, her face swollen and I knew that she was sick. Really sick. She looked pallid and ill.

“Is she going to be okay?” I asked hoarsely.

“We’re going to do what we can… But I’m going to be honest, we’re looking at a c section, a lot of meds and also some time in the NICU for the baby…. Can you afford it? Your sister’s insurance only covers 80% .”

I blinked, completely thrown. White noise rushed through my ears,  a dull throb settling right at the base of my skull and beginning to spread all the way to my arms and back. It was panic mixed wth anxiety mixed with despair and I couldn’t quite cope. The earrings wouldn’t cover all that.

“Oh… Oh..yeah.” I said dully, “ Of course I can… Let me just…. Can I have a moment? There’s somethings I need to do.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I carefully slipped the cash into the envelope, swallowing as I sat on the pavement. I’d got another call from the hospital, they had administered the steroids but Jisoo’s condition seemed to be worsening. They wanted to try inducing labour soon but they wanted me to pay for the room and for the medicines, and apparently, the earrings weren’t as valuable as I thought they were.

I fought nausea wrapping arms around myself as I stared at the cars whizzing by, the putrid city air clogging my lungs as I tried to come to terms with what was happening. Jisoo needed help. She was the only one left and she carried my brother’s son. I felt my throat clog when I thought of Daehwan. He had been a good guy. I had loved him. It wasn’t fair, what Jungkook had done to my family, I thought miserably .

And the only reason I wasn’t driven by vengeance or anger was because I was nothing like Jungkook. I hated him. I didn’t want him to live in my head, didn’t want to waste any part of myself on him , not even my anger. But it was hard when he wouldn’t let me breathe, always at my heels like a wolf : jaws snapping and blood thirsty eyes trained on me at all times. I couldn’t fathom his obsession sometimes. Surely, his hatred was uncalled for now? He’d taken everything from me anyway.  

There was a dull roaring in my ears, one that said that this was not really a surprise. I’d thought about it way too often, had considered it countless times. Had even spent one absolutely horrifying evening scouring the streets of Seoul’s red light district just to see how sex workers behaved.

I’d also realized that in the face of desperation, dignity didn’t hold much value.

You are going to pay your debts on your back and on your knees.

The first time Jungkook had thrown it at my face, eyes glinting with glee, my stomach had rebelled so hard. I’d been absolutely infuriated, had thrown a vase at him. And it had been awful,  watching him catch it out of the air with ease, his mocking laughter making my bones rattle as he shook his head, “ That’s how this ends, Elena. Mark my words.”

And it was pitiful ,  that he went through life so consumed with hatred and vindictive cruelty that he couldn’t leave me alone . He was pathetic. That’s how I saw him. A pathetic child who refused to stop tormenting the helpless ant on the floor although it was no match for his cruelty.

At some point Jungkook was going to win. And his idea of winning was seeing me stripped bare of the one thing that kept me alive : my freedom.

It had just happened sooner than I’d thought.

Because I knew what it would mean, to go to Hoseok. He would own me. Hoseok’s whores were all slaves, tangled in his web so badly that there was no hope of escape. He wasn’t cruel but he was smart. No one left the his ‘ agency’ once they went in. I would be lost, forever. And I couldn’t stomach it.

I stared at my knees, fists clenched on the fabric of my skirt. I grabbed my phone, scrolling through the contacts. I considered it carefully. I had to do this on my terms. Had to make sure I retained some sort of control here.

And I knew just how to do it.

Hoseok picked up on the third ring.

“Hello.”

“I need help.” I croaked out.

The deep chuckle made my skin crawl.

“Elena Gong. What a wonderful, wonderful surprise. What can I do you for?” He drawled.

“Well sweetheart, I’m all out of charity so you’re going to have to make it worth my while.”

I took a deep breath.

“I’m a virgin.” I whispered.

The line went completely silent.

“What?” The amusement in his voice died.

“You heard me and I’ll let you cash in on it. I’ll let you auction it off…” I tamped down on the burning protest in my lung, the screaming inside my head that said it was horrifying, that I was considering this. “ But only if you keep my terms.”

“What makes you think you have a say in that.” He said sharply and I laughed.

“I belong to your world, Hoseok. Did you forget that we were friends, once.” I whispered and he didn’t reply.

Laughter, kindness, a big brother I could always count on, hobi oppa, nine year old me with my fingers curled around his wrist as we ran all around the gardens , a smile so wide that he could spread sunshine on the gloomiest days. Different from Jungkook and Namjoon and Yoongi and the others. Willing to include a ‘ girl’ in his playtime. Lisa and I the only girls, not even fazed watching as the rest of them wielded toy guns and mock interrogation scenes, pretending to kill and maim and torture because that was the world we were born into.

“We’re not friends, Elena. Let’s get that straight. The only part of you that holds any value to me is th part between your legs. So tell me, what do you want.”

“When was the last time you auctioned off someone’s virginity? You know how much money you can make off something like that. Not just from the sale itself but from the entire night. Your club… Your gaming hell…. All of it.”

“You expect me to believe you’re a virgin. At twenty seven.” He scoffed.

“Put the word out, everywhere. If you find one man who says he’s slept with me , I’ll back off.”

“That would require me to tarnish your  family name. And you’re alright with that?”

I smiled biotterly.

“Isn’t that what you and your precious Jungkookie want? To see the last living Gong, be labeled as a whore and a slut.”

He didn’t reply.

“I’ll give you that. You can do it… You know that will only interest more people. As Jungkook so eloquently put it, most of them would love to fuck the defiance out of me.”

“What’s the catch. What do you want. ”

“2 billion won.”  I said firmly “It will be one night. One night only and I want enough money to pay off every one of my father’s debts, to get me an apartment for my sister in law and to support her and her baby for a year at least.”

“Done.” He said without missing a beat and I went still. What must it be like, to throw around money like that without a care in the world. And it sickened me that Jungkook was probably ten times as rich as Hoseok , the money my father owed him and his associates not even pocket change in comparison to his gargantuan wealth and yet, he stayed on my heels, snapping his jaws like a dog with a bone.

“And Jungkook doesn’t get to watch.” I said softly, knowing exactly what Jungkook would get off on.

That made Hoseok laugh.

“You know him too well. I keep forgetting he was madly in love with you once.”

I resisted the urge to vomit. Jungkook didn’t know love. He knew ownership. He didn’t love me, he thought he owned me. That I was his to play with…. For the rest of his life. And when my father had denied him that, just like a toddler in a toy store being denied a shiny toy to break and trample on, he had thrown a temper tantrum.

Except his tantrums always ended in death and destruction.

“That’s the deal. He doesn’t turn up there to gloat.”

“He’s heading out to Switzerland for a week , two days from now.” Hoseok said evenly.

“Good then. My sister in law…she “ I swallowed. “ She’s in a hospital in Yongsan. I’ll send you the address.”  

“I’ll take care of it. But I want you here tonight. I’m not going to drop a couple billion won on your head without making sure I’m getting my money’s worth. And I can’t have you changing your mind and bolting either. My reputation is on the line here. If I put out the word that I’m serving something so fucking delicious and then back out, they’re not going to want to buy Hobi’s wares anymore. You understand what I’m saying darling?” Hoseok drawled and I knew exactly what he was saying. If I agreed to this, it was blanket consent for him to whatever he wanted.

“I won’t back out. I can’t. But this is one night. One night with whichever bastard you choose and that’s it. I want out.  I don’t want you or Jungkook hounding me again. Ever.” My voice shook as I dug my fingers into my knees.  

“My men will be there in ten minutes. Sit tight, princess.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I stared at Hoseok as he carefully poured me a finger of whiskey, neat. He gave me a smirk and I shrugged.

“you remember.” I said casually, throat itching because it had been way too long since I’d had quality alcohol. I missed the burn,  the warmth , the numbness that followed.

“Of course I do. You could drink all of us under the table with little effort. It was spectacular.” He laughed and I leaned back against the couch, letting my head fall back.

“I was half certain that you would have a doctor around to make sure I’m a virgin.” I stared at him and he shrugged. “ Pointless. You’re twenty seven, you’ve probably had stuff up there anyway… Not like your hymen’s still going to be intact.”

I thought it was rather horrifying, that I didn’t feel nearly as mortified as I should. This was how Hoseok talked, matter of fact and open and that was why he was so popular. Anytime an important person came into the country, Hobi was the one who offered entertainment for the night. Hobi’s girls were always the prettiest, most well behaved and perfect. They were educated, knew what they were talking about and he didn’t force them into the life. They loved it, enjoyed it and it showed.

Not to say he was a saint.

Far from it.

Hoseok knew how to dine with kings in castles  but also how to wrestle with  swine in the gutter. The seedy brothels in Seoul’s back alleys were his as well, and he ruled his kingdom with an iron hand. The prostitutes there feared him, one look or word enough to silence any rebellion, any thought of escape.

He was called Hope. And yet somehow that was exactly what he denied the women under him. There was no hope here. There was only lust and power and money. You came to Hobi…. You never left .

I took the glass he offered, taking a small sip, savoring the taste.

“But you believe me. I wonder why.” I watched him closely and he scoffed.

“Between your father and Jungkook, no one ever really had the pluck to come anywhere near you  did they?”

Undisputable.

I sighed, leaning back to stare at him.

“Do you think dying hurts?” I asked softly.

It was frightening, how his entire body went stiff, eyes wide and jaw dropping.

“Elena, what the fuck-“

“Its just a question. You’ve killed people. You’ve watched them die… how do you think they feel?” I asked , curious.

“None of them wanted to die. If that’s what you’re asking.” The look in his eyes made me nervous.

I stared at him and the question was obvious. None of them wanted to die, but do you?

I didn’t.

“I’m not thinking of killing myself , oppa.  Stop looking so horrified.” I laughed. He shook his head.

“ Don’t joke about that. It’s not fucking funny.”

I sobered up, remembering with a jolt. Ah, of course.

“I’m sorry. I forgot.” I said quietly.

Hoseok’s little sister had killed herself when I was seventeen. She was a year older than me and her father had lost her in a wager to a seventy year old man, known for torturing his bedmates. She had heard the news, taken a deep breath and taken a deep dive off the seventeeth floor of the condo where she lived with her mother.

I’d been engaged to Jungkook by then. And I had almost wanted it. Jungkook wasn’t old at least… twenty one to my seventeen.

“Just so you know, he’s going to find out. And he’s not going to like it.”

I shrugged. Three years is a long time to be preyed upon and now my mind was resigned to a life of being hunted. Hoseok was right. Jungkook would find out and he wouldn’t like it.

Good.

“I don’t care what he does anymore. All I care is that Jisoo and the baby are left out of whatever plans he has…. If you promise me you’ll keep them safe , I’ll cooperate.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was a baby boy.

I stared, fingers itching to hold the baby but it was impossible, the little one whisked away to the NICU right after with respiratory distress and Jisoo had gone into a seizure, eyes rolling back into her eyes.

She as alright now, resting in a VIP room with the best care money could buy. Hoseok had asked me if I was happy with the arrangements, and if I would name the boy after him.

I stared at the room, large and breezy and filled with flowers and gifts, toys and baby stuff and I knew right then that I had sealed my fate. I was going to have to go through with this. I could imagine how much Jisoo would protest when she came to her senses. The only relief was that it would take her a few days to be good enough to fight or protest. But then this would all be over and done with.

Jungkook would leave this afternoon. His flight was at three.

I would reach the club at five. The patrons would arrive at seven.

One night, I reminded myself , staring at the gentle rise and fall of Jisoo’s chest as she slept, my fingers playing with the soft skin on her wrist. The IV line went through her veins and I watched the gentle drip of it.

One night.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I didn’t know how auctions happened and while I’d been prepared for the worst kind of humiliation,  Hoseok assured me that he wasn’t going to make me stand naked on some podium or something.

“Generally, I would do something like that simply for the flair of it but consider this a favor ….a respite because you were, as you said, once a friend.” He gave me an even smile and I could only nod in mute relief.

I was grateful. Beyond grateful.

And what was more, he hadn’t told anyone, who I was.

That stunned me. Because wasn’t that the selling point? The murderous, greedy mob rat Gong Hyo Suk’s only daughter forced to spread her legs for one lucky stranger? If Hoseok had cashed in on that he would have made a fortune. But he hadn’t. I wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing. Would , whoever it was be upset if he recognized me?

I was led to a bedroom, large and tastefully decorated with silky satin sheets and dark curtains and dim lighting that lit up parts of the room and left other parts plunged in darkness. Hoseok had told me to wear whatever I wanted and I realized with a pang that he really didn’t see this as some sort of transaction. He was trying to make it as easy as possible without making any decisions for me. Offering me choices and options and some illusion of being in control.

I didn’t have anything fancy so it was just a dress shirt that I borrowed from Hoseok. I’d left the underwear off, eager to merely get the whole thing over with. I felt a sudden overwhelming urge to laugh out loud.

If Jungkook were here he really would have lost his damn mind, simply because of how little this whole thing affected me. And that was it, really. He was always desperate for a reaction.

Earlier when this whole thing had started, I’d obliged him with that. I would scream, rant and yell….launch myself at him like a wildcat, scratching at him , fists flying  and it was obscene, how much he seemed to enjoy that. He would press me up against walls and tables , fingers choking the breath out of my lung, just so he could see me struggle and push back.

He fed off from every negative reaction I offered him and it had taken me a long long time that the way to beat him was to become passive, unresponsive. I would go limp in his arms, stare at him blankly as he tried to manhandle me and that…that had pissed him off. Because that meant I wasn’t playing his game anymore.

If the prey wasn’t playing, the game wasn’t fun anymore. It was drab.

Boring.

And I knew that Jungkook kept raising the stakes, kept tightening the noose around my neck….just to bring that girl out again. The one that had wanted to put up a fight . The one that wanted to mouth off even with the muzzle of a gun pressed against her head. The one who would spit in his face in front of all his associates, even if it earned her a vicious strike of his hand across her face.

I shuddered. They weren’t memories I liked reliving.

Well, if that was who he wanted, I’d make sure he would never see her again.

The door opening made me jump and Hoseok came in , with a wide grin on his face.

“Baby…. Your guest for the night.” He said softly and I peered over his shoulders, my heart and mind grinding to a halt when I caught sight of what had to be the most breathtakingly beautiful man on the face of the planet.

I felt my heart begin to pound, fear taking over because this wasn’t okay. Not really. I was okay with old, creepy and disgusting , not able to get it up for more than ten minutes.

I wasn’t okay with someone who looked like they stepped right out of the latest issue of GQ.

Hoseok left quickly, closing the door behind him and the man stepped into the light, the brightness lighting up his perfect features even more. I felt my throat go dry, and fought the urge to get up and run. Growing up as the daughter of a mobster , I’d learned how to trust my instincts over appearances.

And right now, every single one of those instincts screamed at me that this man was absolutely dangerous.

“Well, you are beautiful. I’ll give you that. “ He said casually.

“Thank you.” I said stiltedly, watching as he tugged on his tie, pulling it off his neck deftly . Instead of tossing it aside , he wrapped it a bunch of times around his wrist over and over as he smiled at me.

“Don’t thank me yet. The only reason I like beautiful things is because of how easily they break.” He smiled.  “ I haven’t been with a virgin in a while…. I miss the screams.”

And there it was the full blown panic that came with stark terror. I crawled back on the bed, staring as he moved closer and there was no mistaking the look on his face, the harsh grip of his hand on my ankle telling me that I was going to regret every one of the choices that led me here.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Hoseok wasn’t at the airport.” Jungkook observed casually, glancing at Yoongi as the latter finished cleaning his gun carefully, eyes fixed on his weapon with utmost concentration.

“He’s holding some sort of auction tonight. Some chick …” Yoongi said casually and Jungkook hummed. It was not the kind of thing he was interested in. Anonymous bids were often boring : actresses or female idols past their prime, desperate to make some money to survive. He had no interest in those but he was a little peeved that Hoseok hadn’t told him anything about it.

Hoseok was one of Jungkook’s most trusted friends. He was almost as powerfully rich as Jungkook and the only reason Jungkook reigned supreme was because Hoseok had no interest in challenging him for the throne. Hoseok was dangerous and cunning and loyal and Jungkook was grateful to have him on his side and he had hoped to see him before leaving. Just to ask him to keep an eye on Elena.

He grimaced, hating himself.

God, he couldn’t go two hours without thinking of her. It fucked with his head, the amount of space she took up inside him. Jungkook , for all his wealth and power, was driven solely by his need to prove himself. He wanted to be powerful and terrifying yes, but more than that , he wanted people to know.

He wanted people to look him in the eye and acknowledge him for what he was : the most dangerous man in the country. He liked seeing that fear, that worship, that admiration. He got off on it. He wanted it , craved it and for some reason he craved it more from her , than anyone else.

And instead of giving him what he wanted, instead of begging on her knees for mercy, instead of licking his shoes and begging for him to let her live….she ignored him. She looked at him with defiance and pride, her chin straight and her back unbending, her gaze locked right on him like she was his fucking equal….

And Jungkook, he’d taken a lot of insults. Taken more than his fair share of hits in life …..

But when she looked at him like that , like he was something stuck to the bottom of her shoe….

Fuck it drove him wild with fury.

It made him want to teach her a fucking lesson, to remind her that he owned her because he owned everything. To break her down, snuff out the flames of defiance that burned so bright in those ember eyes… Take her into his bed and brand her with his body. Till she was on the floor, on her knees covered in his spit and cum begging for mercy….

Because no one looked at Jeon Jungkook like that and lived to tell the tale..

“Seokjin’s here. Landed in Korea a couple of hours ago. ” Yoongi said casually and Jungkook smiled a bit at that. He loved his older brother, technically a step brother and growing up he had only saw him when he visited his mother in China. That meant a couple of months a year and now as adults,  a bit more often because Seokjin loved Jungkook and liked to visit him often.

Seokjin was a celebrity trainer, working with actors and athletes and he did a good amount of modeling as well. He was rich,  handsome and well liked and the only thing that gave away the Jeon blood in him was the fact that he was a sexual sadist.

The face of an angel with a devilish streak, he had a penchant for sadism and inflicting pain on his partners and while Jungkook didn’t particularly enjoy indulging him, he knew there were women who were into that and usually had them arranged for when Seokjin dropped by in Korea. His hyung’s visit seldom lasted more than a few weeks at a time and it was a pity that he would miss out one whole week of it .

But the issue in Switzerland was a little pressing and Jungkook had to be there in person to sort it out.

He leaned back against the seat, staring out of the window, sighing.

“An unsullied dove ….What the fuck is this shit..” Yoongi muttered and Jungkook turned, curious.

“What?”

“Hoseok’s been hyping up some new girl for the auction and Seokjin hyung’s bidding on her.”

Jungkook laughed at that.

“Jungkook…..” Yoongi’s voice is completely stunned, his eyes confused as he looks up at Jungkook.”  Its Elena.”

Jungkook’s thought process came to a grinding halt.

There’s a sound between his ears, a dull rushing sound like the wind in a storm and he can’t quite comprehend what he just heard. Even Namjoon who had been buried in his laptop , looked up then, tugging an airpod out of his ear.

“Wait…did you say Elena?” His eyes were wide , lips parted in shock. Yoongi and Namjoon exchanged glances, no doubt bracing themselves for the explosion that was to follow.

Jungkook took a deep breath.

“Turn the fucking plane around.”

That jolted Namjoon out of his stunned stupor..

“Turn-? Jungkook what…. We’re on a fourteen hour flight-“ Namjoon began but the look on Jungkook’s face made him stop.

“DID I FUCKING STUTTER?”

Namjoon swore.

“Fucking hell… alright just calm the fuck down, Jesus…just put a fucking bullet in that girl’s head and spare us all the headache fuck…” He growled, unbuckling his seat belt and rushing to the cockpit and Yoongi groaned.

“ Let me guess you want me to get in touch with someone in Seoul and ask Hoseok to hold off on letting Seokjin near her…”

Jungkook glared at him.

“If you already know that why the fuck are you still here…” He growled and Yoongi gave him a look.

“Just tell her you’re in love with her and let us live, Jeon Jungkook.”

In love….. what the fuck….

He glared at Yoongi’s back, his asinine words making him madder. God he wanted to crush someone’s skull into dust with his bare hands.

And right now, in his head , that skull belonged to Jung fucking Hoseok.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 “What just happened?” I asked, frantic staring at the door as Hoseok’s men casually led a fuming Seokjin away while the man himself stared at me, looking pale as parchment.

“ Jungkook found out.” He said shortly and I felt my heart drop although I was half relieved because there had been something insane in Kim Seokjin’s gaze when he’d reached for me , a cruel glint of hunger that told me he would have hurt me really badly if Hoseok hadn’t barged into the room , frantic and worried.

He had given Seokjin a wide smile and then, “ I’m so sorry. We were waiting on her blood results and turns out she has a…. well, certain occupational disease that is very infectious.”

Seokjin’s mouth had dropped open even wider than mine.

“I thought she was a fucking virgin.” He had snapped, and I flinched at how cold and furious he had sounded.

But apparently there was a reason this whole thing had happened.

“What do you mean Jungkook knows? What does that mean?” I asked frantically, fear taking over.

“ He’s heading back here… He wants to see you.”

I felt my entire body go ice cold as I shook my head…

“No…fucking no bring Seokjin back here , he can fuck me that was the fucking deal, Hobi, please don’t../…”

“Elena , I’m so fucking sorry.. Seokjin…he’s fucked in the head…. He likes hurting his whores, likes making them bleed and he would have fucking destroyed you…”

I gaped at him horrified.

“What?!” I hissed shaking my head in disbelief.

“He’s Jungkook’ stepbrother. I’ve arranged whores for him before, I knew he was a little crazy but I’d never seen him before and I didn’t know he was the Kim Seokjin…fuck he outbid everyone and fucker looks like a fucking angel, how the fuck was I supposed to know he’s unhinged? Thankfully, I messaged Yoongi and …. Fuck… Listen… I know I paid for your sister’s surgery but you’re going to have to pay me back….”

I felt my body convulse in rebellion.

“I can’t.. You know I fucking can’t…”

“I can’t make an enemy out of Jungkook…. I can’t.” Hoseok shook his head. “ You can get out of here now if you want but I’d advise you to stay. If you run it’s only going to make Jungkook angrier.”

“WHAT DID I FUCKING DO TO HIM?!!!” I screamed, feeling my composure crumble into smithereens. “WHAT THE FUCK DOES HE WANT FROM ME?!!”

Hoseok flinched, stepping back and holding his hands up.

“Whether I want to or not, I answer to Jungkook.  I shouldn’t have done this in the first place , I’m sorry Elena.” He shook his head and stepped back like the coward that he was and I wanted to hurt him. To shake him and ask him to fucking remember who I was. That I had nothing to do with my father’s sins . That I had been a fucking marionette in his hands, had wanted nothing more than to be left alone.

I stared at him in disbelief.

“So much for being a friend…” I whispered.

His jaw tightened. But he didn’t look guilty. None of them ever did. It was like guilt didn’t exist in their world. They did what they wanted to whoever they wanted , whenever they wanted and they got away with it because that bastard’s word was law. What Jeon Jungkook wanted, he got.

“I’ll get your clothes sent in.”

I watched him leave, the door slamming shut behind him and sagged against the bed, staring at myself. What had just happened?

Was I born to endless misery and misfortune?

Couldn’t I catch a fucking break?

I’d agreed to sell myself hadn’t I? Would have even let Seokjin hurt me if that was what he wanted. Because it was one night. It was one night of this…whatever the hell this was and then freedom. That was the deal.

The door opened again and I stared as a young girl brought me a pile of my clothes neatly folded.

“Do you work here?” I said sharply.

She blinked before bowing her head.

“Yes, mistress.”

I scoffed.

“Don’t call me mistress , I’m here to get fucked, just like you. Tell me does Jungkook ever use the women here.” I demanded.

She looked trapped, glancing at the door, clearly wanting to run .

“Tell me.” I snapped and she flinched.

“I..uh..yes. Sometimes.” She said softly.

“Can you tell whoever fucks him next to kick him in the fucking balls?”

The girl bowed deeply and all but ran out and I sighed, feeling myself shaking. Jungkook was on the way here and I wanted to yell and scream and rave at him but I knew that was exactly what he wanted. I wanted to deny him the satisfaction …wanted to act all cool and composed in front of him but it was impossible…

Because I hadn’t realized just how tired I was of this whole thing, till right this moment, when the end had been in sight. I was supposed to get my two billion won pay off all the debt , give Jisoo the rest of the money and disappear. I was so tired, so tired of this life I’d gotten trapped into, slaving over for hours on end just to afford a couple of meals a day. No friends, no boyfriends, no hope of a future …..

The door banged open and I jumped, crawling back when I recognized the man who had just entered.

“Yoongi-“

“Jungkook wants to see you.” He ground out and I swallowed.

“I need to get dressed. Please just wait outside.” I said shakily.

And then the door opened further and a tall looming shadow stepped in familiar and vomit inducing.

Jungkook looked livid, piercing glinting through the dimply lit room and I stared at him. He was dressed in a tight black t shirt, he sleeves stretched thin over his biceps and the tattoos stark against his skin.

“Leave us.” He said softly and Yoongi moved away to the door leaving me alone with the devil himself. I cursed myself for not putting at least my panties on, I was naked underneath this shirt and although it was big it left nothing to the imagination.

Jungkook’s eyes raked over my form before resting on my face.

“You think you’re smart enough to outsmart me, Elena?” He whispered softly.

I swallowed.

“Send you brother back in. He can fuck me and I’ll pay you back.”

Jungkook hummed, stepping closer and grabbing my clothes from the bed, he grabbed the plain white bra and the pastel pink underwear and then to my complete and utter mortification he brought the clothing up to his face, breathing in .

“Fucking pervert!!!” I screamed, feeling the action like a physical touch and wanting to claw his eyes out and the smirk on his face told me that this was exactly what he wanted but I was too fucking gone to care.

“If you want me to be a whore, fine. I’ll be a whore. But on my terms…” I spat out and he shook his head, laughing.

“I don’t just want you to be a whore, Elena. I want everyone to know that you are one…” He dropped my clothes and moved closer, holding a hand out. “ Come here.”

I stared at the inked fingers, adorned with sterling silver rings and bracelets with the motifs of his gang. I shook my head.

“No. I’m not playing this game with you.” I turned my face away.

His hand shot out gripping my upper arm with enough strength to bruise and I screamed, agony shooting up my arm and shoulders as he dragged me off the bed and onto the floor. I landed hard, hips and elbows bruising from impact and I stared at him in disbelief.

“I’ve been to gentle with you. You’ve forgotten your fucking place.” He bent over and grabbed me by my hair, yanking me to my feet so hard that it felt like my scalp had been ripped away from my skull.

“Okay…okay…Okay Jungkook..just…!!” I said softly, flinching because my pain tolerance was almost zero and Jungkook’s grip was so hard that my eyes were beginning to water now. He let me go, grabbing my panties off the floor and tossing them at me.

“I’m going to count to five. Put those on and get out.”

He walked out of the door and I stumbled a little fumbling with the fabric before quickly, slipping my legs in and yanking it up to my waist. I made to put on something else but his voice came, loud and impatient.

“Get the fuck out here.”

I walked out of the door and he was standing there next to Hoseok. I couldn’t meet either of their gazes , hating how they had so much power over my life. I stared at the floor. It was tempting to yell at them and scream but that never led anywhere.

“ I’ve asked them to stop the payment on the Hospital bill. Seeing as Elena hasn’t kept her end of the bargain.”

I felt my breath hitch at that, willing down the tears as I glared at him.

“What do you want?” I snapped. “ Tell me who you want me to fuck…. I’ll do it. Let’s get this over with so you can go back to whatever sewer you fucking climbed out of. ….”

Hoseok’s breath caught like he couldn’t believe what I’d just said and the look in his eye was a warning but I was sick of this. Sick of them all.

Jungkook turned to Hoseok with a laugh.

“You see hyung? See why I can’t let her go? If I let her scot free, everyone’s going to think I’m a pushover….that any worthless bitch can talk to me any way she wants and get away with it….” He shook his head, staring at me with a glint in his eye. “ I’m not going to choose. They are. You think you can charm your way into Hoseok’s heart and get special treatment? You think you’re ready to be a whore, Elena? Let me show you how a real whore gets treated in Hoseok’s club.”

He gripped my wrist, yanking me behind him as he stalked off down the narrow corridor that opened up into the club. I let myself get dragged out into the club dismally aware of the fact that I was wearing nothing but Hoseok’s shirt. I could feel eyes on me but I kept mine on the back of Jungkook’s head as he dragged me all the way to the front. I knew what he was going to do and at this point I was just numb.

There was no point reasoning with the devil.

I glared at him as he pointed at the stage. “ Get up there.” He whispered harshly.

I stared back at him, not moving. I saw Jungkook’s jaw clench.

“Either you go up there by yourself, with your clothes on. Or I carry you up there, after stripping you naked. What’s it going to be? ”

I glared at him, pursing my lips before climbing up using the small stair in the side. I moved to the center, right in front of the stage lights, so the rest of the room would disappear. I had no wish to see any of the bastards in the room.

“I think all of you recognize this little beauty here, don’t you?” Jungkook’s voice was cheerful, friendly even and I bit my lips, fists clenched. “ Well, if you don’t let me tell you . This is Gong Hyo Suk’s daughter. Remember that bastard? He put a hit out on my father. Killed him and my mom on the night I was supposed to be marrying his fucking daughter. A daughter who later called off the wedding, because I was too poor now, to give her the life she deserved. ”

I felt the familiar ice cold guilt in my vein. I was seventeen, I wanted to scream. I was seventeen and all I did was say what my father asked me to say, do what my father asked me to do.

“ That was nine fucking years ago… and you know what I told myself…. I told myself, that a greedy little bitch like this, doesn’t deserve shit.” He laughed. “ If money’s what she values the most, then the only thing she deserves is to be treated like the whore she is.”

“Why don’t you guys tell me, how much money you’d be willing to spend, to fuck her? Come on, Hobi’s been treating you guys so well lets help him make some money tonight… be generous. ”

I could barely hear what they were calling out but when Jungkook climbed onto the stage next to me, I jumped. Moving back instinctively, I winced when brought a forearm around my throat nearly choking me as he dragged up against his body.

“90 million won….That’s a lot.” He grinned. “ Jihan hyung….. that was you right? You’re gonna pay 90 million won for her?”

I felt my heart race, it was a lot. More than enough for the Hospital Bills, would even leave extra to get a decent apartment somewhere... I grabbed his wrist as it pressed into my throat, trying to pull his hand off me but he just wrapped his free hand around my waist, wrapping his entire body around mine and chuckling into my hair.

Jungkook pressed his head against mine and I froze, hating the close contact.

“Okay…but since I’m feeling a bit left out here…Why don’t I pitch in… 500 Won.” Jungkook said loud and clear.

I froze. An eerie silence fell over the club, laughter stilling and the clink of glasses slowing down.

What.

I struggled to get away from his but his hold tightened.

“Anyone else?” He called out. “ Come on… Not even thousand? Surely you think this one here’s worth a thousand won? Aren’t you going to outbid me?”

No one responded of course they didn’t. Jungkook’s anger was palpable and no one was going to get on his wrong side …..

“Ahh… is that it then? Bid’s going to close for 500 won then…. Hear that baby?” He whispered against my ears and I swallowed. “ 90, million won to five hundred won in a few seconds… What does that tell you?”

“It tells me you’re a fucking psychopath in love with your own voice… Get off me.” I hissed.

“No. What it tells you is that only I get to decide how much that body of yours is worth, not you. . You don’t get to go sell your fucking body behind my back for two billion won and then pay off all your debts and ride off into the sunset, that is not how this works….”

I went limp in his arms fighting tears because he never played fair. Never.

“Hear that Hoseok-ah… I win her for the night for 500 won…fair and square…. Is that alright?” He called out into the darkness and I felt the first inkling of dread begin to seep in.

“No.. No… get off me.” I hissed and he laughed, dragging me off the stage with ease. I screamed, kicking out in disbelief.

Jungkook grinned at me, before grabbing both my arms and yanking them behind me, and I whimpered, unable to move as he easily pulled me along to the door that opened into the hallway. Behind us I heard Hoseok’s voice.

“Jungkook, don’t be impulsive. Think about whatever you’re going to do.”

I flinched at that, panic building.

“He’s not going to do anything. I’ll fucking kill him if he touches me , I-“

“Shut the fuck up, you little bitch.” He shook me hard till my teeth rattled and I sobbed out.

“Jungkook…” Hoseok warned but he merely snarled.

“I know what I’m doing hyung, just…. Don’t disturb us. And make sure everyone here knows that she’s open for business.” It was loud enough to carry through the club and I felt humiliation burn my throat, acrid like acid.

I froze in disbelief.

“Jungkook …” Hoseok’s voice held a tone of reproach.

“ And tell them that her body is amazing. Tell them she spent the night with me , the best fuck I’ve ever had , mouth made for cock.”

I stared straight ahead as he pulled me all the way to the room we had left earlier and I tripped when he shoved me inside, landing on my hands and knees . I quickly rolled back around to land on my ass, crawling back as he slammed the door shut and locked it from the inside.

He stared down at me, mouth grim.

“You do owe me a wedding night. I was so ready to fuck your tight cunt, nine years ago… I think I’ve waited long enough yeah.”

I stared at him in disbelief. I knew exactly what he wanted me to do, to yell and scream and protest and fight so he could get off and forcing me…. Fucking psychopath.

I took a deep breath and nodded.

“If you pay for my sister in laws bills, and give me an apartment sure. “ I shrugged. “You’re not any different from any of the bastards here. I don’t give a damn which one of you idiots wants to rut into me like the absolute animal that you are…. I don’t care…” I said softly.

“you don’t? Really? You want me to tell you what your brother said when one of my men put a gun into his mouth…. He begged for his life…said he had a kid on the way….” Jungkook laughed, shaking his head. “I told him it was better than what his father did…. My sister was six months pregnant when his lieutenant gunned her down on the streets.”

I shuddered, wrapping my arms around myself.

“Why are you telling me this…” I snapped.

“Because she didn’t deserve it did she, Elena? She didn’t fucking deserve to die like that , like a dog on the street when she had nothing to do with any of this…. She didn’t deserve it.” He growled, bending down and gripping my chin hard.

“Maybe she did deserve it.” I spat out. “ If I deserve to be here, maybe your sister deserved to die too. “

He snarled, hand flying to my hair and dragging me up off the floor in one sharp yank. I whimpered as he pushed me on the bed, before climbing on top of me. I felt like every bone in my body was about to snap in two, the weight of him unbearable on me.

“I won the bid tonight…. I won it fair and square… You signed the waiver didn’t you…that you agreed to the auction…I won and I’m going to fucking collect.” He growled, and I kicked out, trying to buck him off of my body.

“Get off me.” I hissed. “ I’m not letting you fuck me for 500 won.”

“How about for your Jisoo then?” He whispered and I went still.

“What?”

He chuckled, reaching down and I felt my pulse pound as he pulled his phone out, dialing quickly and turning on the speakers.

Yoongi’s voice made me go ice cold. Everyone knew what Yoongi did for Jungkook.

“Daehwan’s wife is in a hospital room in Yongsan. Hobi’s got the details. I think she’s served her purpose.”

“No!! JUNGKOOK NO!!” I  screamed , thrashing so hard my head began to spin but he grunted pressing down into me harder.

“Are you serious? I’m not home yet… I can take care of it tonight.” Yoongi said, voice casual and I sobbed, shaking my head in sheer terror.

“Okay… I’ll behave.. I promise.. please just don’t…”

Jungkook hummed.

“Well, that was easy… Yoongi-yah… why don’t you stay on the phone yeah…. Going to get that wedding night I’m owed and if my baby doesn’t co operate you know what to do, yeah?”  

I bit my lips, glaring into the sheets as he gripped my waist, pulling me up.

“Ass up like the bitch that you are, baby.” He whispered and I felt my entire body shudder in disgust. It was worse because I hadn’t done this before. Didn’t know what to expect. But I couldn’t let him know that. If Jungkook knew that I was a virgin, I could just imagine how much fun he’d have with that info.

Hands gripped my wrists, pinning them to the bed and I turned my face away when I felt the press of his lips on my cheeks. He gripped both my wrists with one hand, keeping them pinned over my head and I flinched when I felt his fingers pulling the fabric of my panties aside, just enough for the blunt head of his cock to press against my slit.

“Yoongi, you there?” Jungkook said softly and Yoongi grunted over the phone. I felt my face flame in embarrassment.

“You’re a sick bastard but I’m used to it. What’s up?” he said casually.

“Remember how we used to wonder just how tight Elena’s cunt was… back when we were in school.”

Fucking monster, I thought in disbelief. I hate him I hate him I hate him….

“Good times…” Yoongi chuckled lightly .

Jungkook pushed into me in one hard thrust and pain shot straight up my spine, my insides burning like he’d fucked me with a knife and not his body. I couldn’t stop the cry of agony that got torn of me, my eyes tearing up and tears spilling over onto my cheeks.

“Damn Jungkook, she okay?” Yoongi’s chuckle made me want to claw his face off, and just the urge to kill was growing inside me.

“Well, I can confirm that it is, in fact just as tight as we thought…” He grunted, thrusting into me at a pace that was inhumane, every push and drag of him rubbing my insides raw and I bit down on the sheets under me, afraid that I would do something absolutely humiliating, like beg him to stop.

“Good, you should let me take that tight ass for a ride someday then. With her permission of course…. I’m a gentleman after all. Big on consent.” He laughed and I swallowed the urge to tell him that I would puncture his balls with a switchblade if he came anywhere near me.  

“Oh, she’s going to do whatever I ask her to….aren’t you baby…” He grunted, “ Turn around so I can see you.”

He pulled out of me, his weight lifting off my body as he moved away. I couldn’t move, limbs numb and insides throbbing in pain . His palm landed on my thigh, hard and the sharp sting of it made me jump.

“I said turn around, I want to see your face when I fuck you.” Jungkook growled. I stayed limp, breathing hard and he grunted impatient, fingers sinking into my hair , yanking me to my knees and the movement made my legs scream in protest.

“How’s she so quiet? You fucked the voice out of her, kook-ah?” Yoongi asked amused and Jungkook pulled me by the hair, dragging me to the center and pushing me down till my head landed on the pillow.

“Hyung you should see her right now, all fucked out …. Like she’s never had a dick in her before.” He shook his head, “ Fucking slut. Take that off and hold yourself open for me.”

I stared at him, uncomprehending and he grabbed both my hands, placing them on my knees.

“Grab your knees and pull your legs back… So I can fuck that tight cunt the way I want to.” He said slowly, like I was a dog he was trying to train and I stared at him , defiantly.

“ Go to hell.” I whispered.

Yoongi’s laughter came from somewhere to the right.

“Your dirty talk needs work, Kook ah… Tell her she’s a precious little kitten and she makes you feel really good…. Bitches love that shit…”

Jungkook hovered over me, grabbing the back of my thighs and spreading them wide enough to make me whimper in pain.

“Is that so babygirl? You want me to tell you that? That you make daddy’s cock feel good?” He cooed, nudging the tip against me again and I had never hated anyone so much in my life. I stared up at his face, and he smiled at me, a cheeky little grin that made his bunny teeth stand out and for a second he looked so deceptively angelic and the glimmer of his piercing caught my eye.

I couldn’t help but swallow, gaze trained on the glint of metal on his tongue.

“You like that?” He grinned suddenly, sticking his tongue out for me to see, I felt my eyes widen at how sinfully good he looked .” Hyung she likes my tongue piercing.”

“Show her how it feels on her clit.” Yoongi laughed and I could barely fully process what I heard before Jungkook was crawling down my body, arms, curling on my thighs and yanking me onto his tongue .

I felt the press of his tongue on my slit, licking right into me and the jolt of pleasure was so unexpected, the pleasure so unwanted and yet so overwhelming and I couldn’t stop the way my body thrashed against the streets, lips parted as I practically mewled out in pleasure.

“Definitely a kitten…” Yoongi called out and I shuddered as Jungkook slipped two fingers into me , the ice cold press of his ring inside me making me jump. I wanted to pull away, grab his hair and yank him off but I couldn’t because it was

“Next time I’ll put the dick piercing in too, yeah? Fuck you with a bit of metal on my cock so you can feel that up there…. ” He laughed into my thighs and I screamed when he bit into the flesh there , hard.

“I’m getting bored… Either turn on facetime so I can at least jerk off to this , or I’m hanging up…” Yoongi called out .

“Hyung she clenches down on me every time she hears your voice… Just stay on for a few more minutes yeah, she tastes so fucking good, I’m gonna cum soon….” Jungkook added another finger, slipping in deep before spreading them apart inside me. I whimpered when he pushed his tongue in between the wet digits, licking into my walls and I could feel the ball of his piercing drag against my walls, ice cold and hard.

Was it fucked up that I did clench down on him again, my body apparently a slave to my base desires even as my mind screamed that he was the absolute worst bastard on the face of the planet.

“Elena, you owe me a blowjob at least for this…” Yoongi called out and I glared at the phone.

“I’ll bite your fucking dick off if you come anywhere near me.” I snapped.

“Fuck, I could get off just to that mouthy fuckhole of hers…..” Yoongi grunted.

Jungkook pulled away, climbing back up over me and lightly slapping my breasts.

“Now, how about you open that mouth and let me fuck it?”

Yoongi snorted from behind us and Jungkook glared at the phone before glaring at me again.

“Well?”

“You want to know how hard I can bite?” I said sharply, the pleasure ebbing away into nothing and resentment taking it place, the momentarily physicality of the situation fading and the reminder of who he was and who I was entering my sex addled brain.

“No.. You’re right…. But you know what, I’m not feeling it anymore. I was right.. you really aren’t qualified to be my whore. Your body…it’s frigid like a fucking popsicle…such a fucking turn off. ” He reached over and hung up on the phone.

“Now…”he whispered, leaning in closer and I yelped, when his fingers closed over my throat..” Shut your mouth and take what I give you like a grateful bitch.”

I swallowed when he pushed into me again, his pace steady as he fucked into me, eyes closed and I realized that he was almost fully dressed having just unbuttoned himself enough to get his cock out.

When he stiffened, spilling into me his eyes blew open and he locked eyes with me, wide eyed and for one horrible second he looked young and vulnerable and hurt.

I blinked as he pulled out, the sticky warm mess of his cum dripping down my inner thighs and onto the sheets.

“Well, that was much worse than I thought it would be.”  He said and I stayed on the bed as he grabbed his phone and buttoned himself back up.

He smirked at me and then reached into his pocket.

I quickly pulled myself together, ignoring the aches and pains and getting to my knees before reaching for my dress on the bed. it was kind of pointless because I still had Hoseok’s shirt on and I wasn’t going to take that off in front of Jungkook.

“Well, I’m a man of my word , Elena so…here you go..just as we discussed.” He tossed a coin on the bed and I stared at the engraved 500 on the shiny surface, feeling my rage swell inside me.

“If you still want to work out a payment plan for your sister’s bills …. Why don’t you come to my office tomorrow?” He tossed his card on the bed before  moving away to the door.

Fucking bastard.

Author’s note : My whole life is filled with regrets .