#somehow i completely forgot to update this for 3 and a half months

[the-prophet-lemonade]

You Be You, And I’ll Be Busy: Part II

shadowgast | rated: t | interconnected one-shot collection | post-canon, episode c02e141: fond farewalls, canon compliant, developing relationship, mutual pining, first kiss, aeor is for lovers, non-linear narrative, 5+5 things

chapter summary: Essek grapples with the return from Cognouza. chapter extract:

Here, he pins this image of Caleb to memory. Caleb in the dew-sprinkled grass. Caleb with his flame-coloured hair falling loose around his shoulders, Caleb soaking in the sunlight after so long without it. It is a memory Essek will turn to often; he is not sure when curiosity became need, became longing, but he is a different drow to the one that entered Aeor with the Mighty Nein.

He longs for something he doesn’t have a name for. Comfort, he will call it. It will have to do.

Five nights spent in Aeor. Five mornings in the Blooming Grove. A collection of connected one shots.

🔗Read Part II on Ao3

Read from the beginning?

[asachuu]

I was going to post this yesterday as soon as I became aware of the new update, but I forgot about it and passed out. The sentiment is the same today as it has been for the past few months, though, and thank goodness I’m a bit more awake for this because there are…things to say.

I mostly reserve from some kind of lengthy, in-depth commentary because I genuinely don’t have the time or ability to go through Fifteen and the manga separately to point out even half of the most general things that are so incredibly jarring, all I’ll say is just. Why.

I would have complained about this ages ago already, had I not been entirely convinced I’m just losing my mind and I’m seeing things that aren’t there, given the manga does follow a lot of the dialogue of the light novel as opposed to its abysmal anime adaptation, but I suppose it is common knowledge that when you’re drawing a manga, or really any kind of story with both a text and visual element, the readers will not be focusing exclusively on the text. The visuals are just as important, if not more at times, and they can heavily change the feeling or mood of said story. With that being said, I think you can understand what I’m trying to get at here, and more specifically, why I’m very tired seeing yet another adaptation imply Arthur is some kind of cold-hearted monster to be feared even by the audience. I won’t be using any specific examples beyond this point, but all I’ll say is that I’ve had this in the drafts since the moment I saw the panels of Arthur getting accused of betraying the organization, somehow managing to get the text correct and yet make him look either completely lifeless or annoyed, as if he weren’t confused or clueless at all, unlike what the LN itself states. It just went downhill from that very moment, and for a hot minute, I convinced myself that the panels at the end of the same chapter were him either panicking or just giving up upon being found out and having that emphasized through the artwork, but looking at everything that ended up following, I don’t think that was actually meant to be the case, I think he was meant to look more deranged than sorrowful in those parts— and every other part in which this was supposed to be the opposite, that too.

This is not to say I have an issue with the artstyle itself, as that’s mostly the element emphasizing it, I believe everything could have been done so much better— with it, no less— but since this manga, and subsequently the style, has been so heavily focused on every single dark aspect that isn’t even there half the time, just like in Arthur’s interrogation by Dazai, exaggerating the wrong things to no end, that’s not the case right now. I’m not here to say Fifteen isn’t full of dark subjects and situations, it absolutely is, but they’re not everywhere all the time, and especially not in relevance of Arthur as an antagonist. I don’t know if it’s the fault of a concept that every BSD antagonist just has to invoke terror no matter what, the fault of focusing too much on Arthur’s power to the point it overshadows the character beneath it and renders him irrelevant, or the artist took some inspiration from our dearest beloved BSD anime season 3 and just decided to drag it in the same exact direction using different approaches, but needless to say, it really isn’t…that much better at the moment, and considering none of this is going to get remade, it simply won’t be.

Perhaps that’s a harsh judgement on my part, but again, the dialogue truly isn’t everything. Season 3 discarded it altogether and took their own spin on everything that was going on, ultimately creating a completely different piece of media than what Fifteen actually was, and even though the manga didn’t do the same, trying to hold onto the source material for once, I’m not going to even try to pretend that anyone would read it and come out thinking Arthur was meant to be a tragic character who found himself on the completely wrong path that ultimately led to his inevitable demise— no, everyone would immediately assume he’s a horrifying force of destruction who does everything in his own favor, no matter the cost, without any regard for anyone other than his lost partner. I am yet to see the end of the fight between him, Chuuya and Dazai, as well as the section where he reveals his past, but having seen what impact it had in BSD S3— even ignoring all the bits they cut out— I don’t have any hope that it’ll make him seem a bit more likable for those who don’t really enjoy heavily implied morally corrupt villains. And hey, I’ll admit I love those myself, but Arthur is not one of them, never was and never will be, and to portray him as such is to once again erase the very foundations of him in the original novels. I truly wouldn’t mind if that were the actual antagonist of Fifteen, but it just isn’t, and two entire adaptations so far seem to be dead set on making him into such a thing.

Honestly, with both this and S3, I’m not even surprised people are slowly starting to fall back into misinterpreting Arthur as a character completely, and although that technically never went away, from what I’ve seen, this is certainly not going to do anyone any favors. No wonder some people seem to believe he chose to become a government agent for near to no reason, had zero remorse about both his job or the events of Fifteen, is nothing more than one half of an assassin duo with nothing redeemable about either of them, and sure, I can blame this on many different things, but at this point, I’m sure these adaptations are just as responsible for it, because let’s not lie to ourselves— in a choice between reading a book, a manga or watching an anime, the first will often be people’s last resort, and while in the past, I could have dreaded a wave of anime-only people never having read the LN and running with those events as original canon, now I get to dread manga-only people as well, if not a combination of both, which is just amazing for those who want their beliefs about Arthur being a total psychopath to be solidified. Not for the rest of us, though.

Keep in mind that none of this is meant as some kind of personal attack or insult to Hoshikawa-san themselves, this is just my personal frustration with yet another thing which looked promising, but ultimately got shoved back onto the pile of Fifteen adaptations and interpretations which for some reason seem to despise Fifteen’s Arthur as a character, else he wouldn’t have been disregarded over and over.

Anyway, I hope I won’t have to come back here to add more things later because this really isn’t meant to be a dissection, but that’s my take on this whole manga so far. If I am to say something good about it for a change, at least it does actually try to keep some remains of the original LN in it, and new official art of Arthur is something I’ll begrudgingly appreciate, but I really can’t say I’m particularly overjoyed when the outcome of it won’t be much different to the outcome of S3 regardless.

[rbbess110]

good morning (or whatever time it is where you are), friendly moot. i haven't seen you around in a bit. how are things going for you? are the muses (or preferred source of creativity) treating you kindly?

if not, do you want to talk about something else? what's going on in your life? is it fun? does it suck?

hiiii!! i suppose it's been a while. i've mentioned i'm terrible at social media, right? i'm either here 24/7 or disappear for half a year. and then i get stuck in a loop of being afraid everyone forgot about me and end up putting off coming back, KHFSDKF. it happens. but here i am!! it's nice to see you, thanks for checking up on me <3 i'm doing well!! life's been busy, but then again when is it not, thahah. being completely fair though, throughout the last couple of months i went through a couple break-throughs, turned my plans for the future upside down and now i'm trying to somehow get to them. so maybe it's been a bit busier than usual - but also i'm probably the happiest i've ever been, so i'm doing good. the muses are treating me kindly, though they could be kinder, thahah. i finished draft one of ruby blood (!!!!) back in march, on the anniversary of starting to write it. i'm technically editing it now, slowly digging into draft two, but here's where the motivation isn't so kind, thahah. however, now that draft one of ruby blood is finished, i'm also working on another project?? a silly christmas rom-com that was technically supposed to be satire but it's. not coming together like that, SKJFSHF. it's fine though; the ideas here are much less polished than "ruby blood", so i'm letting myself run wild, kind of exploring the differences of working on a 5 year old project and half-a-year old idea. technically i've already written around 1/3 of the first draft, but it requires a lot of work, thahah. so we'll see how that'll develop anyway!! that's the life update for ya. thanks for asking once again, i hope you're doing well <333

[redheadedpineapple]

haikyuu bois n taking pictures

Day 18: Camera Oikawa Tooru, Bokuto Koutarou, Akaashi Keiji GN!Reader pre established relationship, fluff

──────〔Oikawa Tooru〕──────

literally loves taking pictures of you and with you

when you ask him to take pictures, he gets so giddy

like YES of course he wants to capture this moment with you

loves posting pictures of you two on social media ‘cause he likes to share how much he loves you

he hardly wants to take pictures by himself---why would he when he could be taking pictures with you!!

he sometimes will take pictures of you without telling you, when you look so stunning and serene and he doesn’t wanna bother you

but he always shows you them after, and if you’re embarrassed, he’ll delete it! regretfully, because no matter what he thinks you look amazing, but he respects you

100% has his phone wallpaper of you

probably takes the time to use the new ios updates to make a pretty aesthetic layout on his phone based around you

“Tooru!” You pout, looking away embarrassed. “There’s no way I look even half flattering in that,” you say, having heard the unmuted ‘snap’ of his camera.

Oikawa insists he leaves his phone unmuted because he likes his ringtones, but after telling him a million times he can keep his ringtones in a setting even when he mutes, you’re sure he keeps it unmuted just to taunt you sometimes.

“You’re right, you look completely flattering. You’re so pretty!”

You try and snatch his phone, but he holds it out of reach as you try. You get a glimpse of the image.

“What d’you mean, I look horrible in that!”

He hums. “I don’t think so… But if you really want I’ll delete it, baby.”

“I… You don’t have to, I just don’t know how you can think I look good no matter what.”

He softly smiles at you before kissing your nose. “I’m just madly in love with you. No matter what you look like, you’re the most stunning person to me.”

“I love you too, Tooru. So much,” you say, smiling as you push yourself into him for a hug. He wraps his arms around you and carries you to the couch to cuddle.

──────〔Bokuto Koutarou〕──────

he gets so excited when you wanna take pictures with him

he loves getting to have a way to always see your face even when he’s out

you just make him smile so much

and he’ll definitely post pictures of you on social media if you give him the go ahead

loves you so, so much and can’t help but want to share it with everyone

like YES he loves you and he loves you SO much and how could he NOT when LOOK AT YOU TWO ON DATE NIGHT <3

gets super flustered and happy when you post pictures of him

like “aww you love me too~” “bokuto we’ve been dating for months now-”

he really likes taking photos with you because seeing you with him makes his heart go doki doki like holy shit he really landed you and he loves you so much and you love him and alskdjfise

“Babe! Look!” Bokuto says, practically bouncing as he shoves his phone in your face.

You have to take a step back to see it clearly, but it’s a photo of you and him on your first date. You’re a bit embarrassed to see the younger you, but you two are giving the biggest smiles. Bokuto’s giving peace signs, and you’re sat at one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.

“Awh… our first date… I remember that night, you caught on fire!” you laugh as he pouts, poking his cheek.

“That was so lame of me…”

You hum, like you’re deep in thought. “I don’t think so. I thought it was goofy, and you ended up a-ok, so no problem! Besides, I can handle a little bit of lame. Remember that time you-”

“Don’t-”

“Tried to do a front flip on the trampoline but ended up spinning too much and fell face first into the trampoline, somehow getting a bloody nose?”

“HEY! I hoped you forgot about that…”

You giggle. “I couldn’t forget even if I wanted to, which I really don’t. Besides, I love you! Lame bits and all.”

“But I wanna be a cool boyfriend for you!”

“You are! You’re super cool, and sometimes you’re a dork too. I love that side of you, baby.”

He giggles, embarrassed. “Really?”

“Really.”

“Pinky swear it?”

You hold out your small finger. “Pinky promise.”

──────〔Akaashi Keiji〕──────

he’s not one for pictures to be honest

he’ll take a few here and there, maybe some pretty sunsets

but if you want to, he’d be more than happy to take pictures of you

he doesn’t mind being in them, but he never really knows how to pose or anything

sometimes you just put your arm over his shoulder and pull him in for a selfie

he doesn’t think they look all that good, but you love them, so he smiles and goes with it

he’ll take pictures of you when he thinks he’s got a good idea for one

like, he sometimes talks like a pro photographer

all the pictures he takes come out breathtaking

“Okay, look just a bit more to your left---yep, perfect. You look so handsome, darling. And… there.”

You abandon your posing and rush over to him to see the image, and you sigh, awestruck. “Jeez, Keiji, it’s so pretty… The lighting and everything… I look like an angel.”

He pecks you on the cheek. “You always look like an angel. Even when you’ve barely woken up with drool on your chin and bags under your eyes.”

You smack him playfully on the arm, and he smiles lightly. “Oh hush! That’s coming from you, you’re literally the prettiest person I’ve ever seen.”

Akaashi shakes his head, humming. “Whatever you say, sweetheart. Shall we continue on our way, then?”

You nod, and intertwine your fingers with his, walking with him in the dim light of the setting sun, occasionally stopping for more pictures. When you get home from the walk, you take a look at all of them again, lying on the couch with him, telling him how you think it’s so unfair he gets to make you look like an angel while he’s already a perfect angel that you can’t do anything to make him prettier.

When he rolls his eyes, you snap a picture of him, and show the slightly blurry picture. He cocks an eyebrow as you grin, pointing out that you’re right---see how pretty he is? Even there? He doesn’t, but the fact that you do makes his heart flutter, and he gives you soft kisses along your neck and face as you lean into him.

[rigelmejo]

Some September 1st Updates

the READING SPEED difference of a novel at my level! I read the first chapter of 撒野 yesterday and this author is at exactly my reading level right now. I hit 0-2 new words each pleco page, which is usually the sweet spot to either guess the word or if I look it up I can pretty quickly adapt to recognizing it in context. Its also the sweet spot where if I only rely on guessing for new word meanings, on a second pass through I can fairly well guess the meaning quickly. 

It was a 32 page chapter in pleco and I read it in 20 minutes. Compared to the 20 pleco page per chapter pingxie fic i just finished (like 124k characters! WOW I read and FINISHED that much!), which was taking 30-40 minutes per chapter (mainly because of number of new vocabulary per chapter being a bit higher). If I’d wanted to speed read saye I could have, I’d have missed some small details but I could have tried if I wanted.

Then I did a second pass later in the day with the audiobook just following along with the text. Realized 1. I knew most words in the audiobook and did not follow as well as i thought - but those first listen throughs without having seen the chapter I did manage to figure out the main character just broke up, just travelled somewhere, ran into a girl and somehow the girls brother showed and the two guys interacted a little and someone was being somewhat helpful, then the main guy met his father trying to ‘pick him up.’ Which is a true but very rough summary of what happens in the first chapter. By reading I could confirm the words I thought were names AS names, figured out WHY the girl was interacting with the main guy and that there were actually two girls in chapter 1, and figure out who helped who and who was the girl’s brother. Also somehow before I looked at the chapter text I never caught that the audiobook mentions a motorcycle despite me knowing that word and it SOUNDING like mota-che/motorche! it sounds like the word and i knew it and didn’t hear it! Then later following the audiobook with the text I realized another issue I had, is I’m not used to listening to soft voices with such faint pronunciations of the final sounds. I’m much more used to deeper crisper pronunciations and being able to rely clearly on initials and finals AS much as tones to recognize the words, whereas this particular audiobook i needed to mainly rely on tones and initials to figure out what word was what - that probably threw me off a bit. It’s probably good for me to get practice listening to such a different voice to what I’m used to. I have definitely learned the deeper the voice, the more I have a far easier time figuring out what’s being said. Also standard accent more like beijing but without a huge amount of ‘er’s just some, and taiwan accent are the easiest for me to hear when i’m not pa

For anyone curious, here is the audiobook for SaYe I’m listening to: https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PL2w27tfjeeaySbMK272NpXwUtsBc-e3YN

Also here’s a chinese audiobook youtube I found: https://www.youtube.com/c/%E6%9C%89%E5%A3%B0%E5%B0%8F%E8%AF%B4%E5%90%AC%E4%B9%A6%E4%B8%96%E7%95%8Cyoushengxiaoshuo/playlists

Which includes The King’s Avatar: https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLTJaWZoVPdT1ZhIQIKxVci7fVEHr-oX6k

And ErHa: https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLsxEOGKlBMaFa6CS6Hf5ndy6qTtUL0Au_

Anyway, its a great book right now for reading practice. It’s very much around my level. I will probably stick with this author for a little while and solidify what I know/my base reading level. 

-

IN OTHER NEWS:

I am apparently living proof listening-reading, heavy emphasis on re-listening a TON in the background as you work or type or walk/drive whatever, works for learning new words. 

I re-listened to guardian chapter 1 audiobook at least 20-30 times by now, just a tremendous amount. Chapters 1-10 I’ve listened to at least 5 times by now random chapters at random days, and some probably also 20 times. 

I have listened to these chapters enough, that I can officially follow so much that I know nearly every freaking word I hear, I know it immediately on hearing in at least 3 different audiobooks, and the few ‘less familiar’ words I recognize a second after hearing (like hearing ‘audacious’ or ‘glum’ in english it just takes me a second to re-remember), and the very few still forgotten words/specific details I learn From those words I can actually pick up from the context of listening.

 I hear ‘powei’ and somehow forgot it AGAIN? Oh it means ‘rather’ in this context. ‘anli’ well i always hear ‘anlishuo’ as in ‘people say/generally speaking’ so ‘anli’ in this context must mean ‘generally/generally speaking.’ chuanghu? can’t remember it because i was just typing this JUST now and only hearing a few words from the audiobook in the background - well in context its obviously window, but out of context my brain said window and i just couldn’t remember if it was window or curtain but felt curtain had something more complex than ‘hu’ as the second half - just looked it up and my guess was right, even with no context which i’d have had if i’d been listening better and it had been clear it’s window, it still made me think ‘window’ immediately just hearing the sound. ‘xiang yi ge ren’ sounds like ‘looks like a person’ which is the next phrase i just randomly heard. ‘hua le yao ming’ shouted for their life/in awful terror? or that would be ‘huo’, so maybe ‘streaking toward him to take his life’? would make sense in context of a horror scene - i just looked it up and 划了要命 would be the second one. even IF i heard the wrong line, both of those are pretty close to a good guess in context and hua is the only unknown because without context i can’t place if it was hua or huo. i still confuse the words wu and wo for hold etc, but in context i can tell which one it is (wo is hold a hand, hold a face, etc). 

I’m genuinely at a point where I can just completely follow the plot through at least the first 20 chapters from listening. And for most scenes, follow every detail too including stuff like guo changcheng spending half a year not working at home after he graduated, being so afraid of the phone, da qing being fawning to shen wei when they meet and rubbing against his leg, the specific conversation details when da qing runs across zhao yunlan’s car in chapter 2, what zhao yunlan’s room exactly looks like, etc. Its super cool to be able to follow the audiobook so well I can follow the story and details even when I don’t have time to read! It’s so fun! And it was not very hard!

It took 40 minutes of upfront study where you set time aside to focus: 20 minutes to have a program read the chapter aloud while you either see unknown word definitions pop up (like in Pleco) or look them up with some click dictionary as you listen. 20 minutes to go through and listen to the audiobook as you follow along with the text. Then after that, just play the audiobook chapters you’ve done this with whenever you want, either paying attention like when going to bed soon or walking, or in the background like when cleaning or doing busy work or driving. Since background listening can be done easily whenever all you have to do is remember to click play when you want something to listen to. 

I’m honestly blown away by how much 3 months of studying mainly like this (which is quite fun and only requires me to carve out a small amount of actual study focused time) has improved my listening skills. I can now also listen to the 2ha audiobook okay and follow along (provided its a chapter I’ve read before so I have at least some prior context to help me out) - at least so far as that’s what I’m listening to right now. Basically, I can tell Guardian has both upped my vocabulary significantly and also improved my automatic recognition of many words I half-knew and learned since. 

I recently found a new Guardian audiobook read by a deep voice and its lovely (and utilizes music and echo for effects, its lovely to listen to) I hope the poster keeps updating: https://fm.qq.com/show/rd002ED4aN0mYz2L__

I’ve been listening to it lately.

---

Also! Directions for using Pleco Android for screen reader:

1. To get any page bookmarked online: 

Open a page in your mobile web browser you want to read. Click the menu, click share, click Pleco Reader (or ‘more’ or ‘...’ then Pleco Reader).

Go to Clipboard Reader. Now when you click text, dictate text megaphone will be an option.

*Since Clipboard Reader is free, you can do this to read in Pleco and have things spoken aloud with no money spent. (Though I find the Reader tool worth the money and add ons).

2. To have any text ‘dictated aloud’:

Go to Pleco’s menu, Settings, Audio, click ‘use TTS if no recording,’ then for Sentence Audio section area System TTS Setting click Speech Services by Google (you can also experiment by clicking other options I am just stating what worked for me, it didn’t work at first I had to make that my default TTS in my Accessibility-Talkback Settings menu on my main phone first and restart my phone before all this). 

Then click the area right below to mess with speed and sound of the TTS voice. 

(Note, to test if TTS is working you can go to any dictionary entry sentence, click the speaker next to the sentence and see if it plays audio. If it does not, you will get an error message and directions on what to change in your phone settings. That is what initially happened to me: I had to go to phone Settings, Accessibility, Talkback, TTS Engine, TTS Engine voice and settings. Pleco recommended I choose Speech Services by Google, and uninstall then reinstall the Chinese voice. Then restart the phone. That worked for me. An additional note: I have Talkback setting on ‘on’ and just have it in my toolbar to use if desired but am not actively using it. If you turn Talkback setting ‘off’ in the actual Settings area of Accessibility, I am not sure if it will affect Pleco’s ability to dictate). 

3. How to put it together: 

Now go to Clipboard Reader and read the page from the internet you wanted or text you pasted, or go to Document Reader and open the document you wish to read. 

Click a word as a place to start. Now you should see both the loudspeaker (for pronouncing the single word) and the Megaphone next to it to start dictating all text. (If your phone is weird like me, you may need to press the megaphone a couple times before the audio works).

If you wish to change dictation reading speed, simply hold down the megaphone and select the speed desired. 

Now that I’ve figured this out I really want to take pictures of my print book, make a pdf, and listen to all the changes.

(Now I just have to fix my weird dictionary in Idiom app and I’m all set on the new phone!)

---

All I’ve been doing the past august study wise is just reading pingxie fic and finishing, and listening to audiobooks. It’s been a busy time for me ToT

I do think it proved you can be lazy and still make some improvements though: 

1. Reading in Pleco (or click-dictionary tool of your choice): pick something and read a chapter a day (that’s what I did, obviously the easier this is the less time you’ll need, but aim for around 30 minutes a day and reading material closer to your level if you don’t want to read too long)

2. Listening-Reading Method something above your reading level that you enjoy. Should take 40 minutes a couple times a week to several times a week to hours a week, depending on how intense you want to get with it and how much you’re going to alternate/include the reading portion. I did like 1-2 chapters a week so I was only spending 40 minutes to 1.5 hours a week doing this, or 3 hours one week no time another week. This is definitely something where you can do 6-12 hours one month then coast on it for another month just repeating older material’s audio/re-reading sections (which is what I did with guardian, doing 22 chapters then switching to just listening to audio a lot). 

Once you’ve done a little L-R steps 2 and 3 (in either order, whatever works for you - and doing step 1 if you want more context prior to steps 2 and 3), then just make time during your days to play the audiobook chapters you’ve studied. You don’t need to be focusing every single time (although focusing on actually trying to follow the audio the first time you listen without text to aid you will probably speed up your comprehension a lot by giving you a lot of basic-context to help you comprehend more later). Aim to listen whenever you’ve got down time! Or time where you’d play music or some background youtube video or podcast - walks, exercise, drives, when cleaning, when browsing the web goofing off, when working if you have times when you’d listen to music with lyrics or a podcast in the background without issues, times when you don’t need to focus 100% on listening just putting it on to hear in the background). 

That’s all I’ve done for study since May. It takes me about 30 minutes 5 days a week, plus 1-2 hours listening-reading actively a week. So 2.5 hours plus 2 = 4 hours of active study a week. Sometimes more like 8-10 if I got really into reading something or Listening-reading to several chapters. Then after that (very easy to fit into my life 4-10 hours per week of study) I just play the audiobook whenever I have downtime at work (that’s usually 0.5-4 hours where I just let it play because I forget its on while working on spreadsheets, updates, emails, etc, or play the audiobook while messing around on the internet in my free time at home, sometimes I put on music instead), while walking so 15-30 minutes maybe 3 days a week, while driving far so maybe 20 minutes - 2 hours per week. maybe lets say 2 hours*4 days a week (I don’t remember to listen every day) so 8 hours random listening+1.5 hours walking+1 hour driving per week. That’s 11.5 hours listening in the background or paying attention plus lets say 4 hours of active study a week. So 15.5 ‘study’ hours for chinese per week - an average overall of ~2.21 hours of chinese ‘study’ per day. This isn’t counting when I get into weibo and goof off, get into some chinese show with no english subs and just start watching it (I watched 16 episodes of Humans cdrama in August which is ~10.66 hours for a total of at least (15.5*4 weeks = 62 hours + 10.66 hours -> ~72.66 hours spent ‘with chinese’ in August at minimum. 4 weeks*7 days = 28, so over around 28 days or most of august I did 72.66 total hours/28 days -> or ~2.595 hours of chinese per day as an average. So... my guess that I spend at least 1-2 hours on chinese per day as the average was a decent guess. Looks like I’m usually 2 hours to 2.5 hours daily as an overall average. It’s not that hard to get in that much without a ton of time in the day once you get some listening skills built up ToT Deciding to build up my listening skills has been one of the funnest goals in chinese so far.

Notes on Listening Reading Actively - it also doubles as increasing your exposure to listening to your target language, and the more hours the better even if its passive in the background, just more hours adding up toward your mind getting a better ability to parse the sounds of the language is going to help your overall listening comprehension in general. So even if you don’t pay attention much and can’t follow the whole plot and only catch certain scenes, you will be improving at least comprehension of: hearing words you know, hearing colocations and common phrases and recognizing more automatically which will help with speaking/writing indirectly and reading recognition of those things, overall ability to hear things correctly in different combinations and getting used to the common combinations. 

You will be surprised how much more you can pick up of plot and details the 3rd listen compared to the first, the 5th listen, the 10th listen. It’s wild. Like... I’m listening to the 2ha audiobook and even having never read it in chinese, just knowing basic context, the 2nd read through I caught so much more of the plot throughout just because I had forewarning of when scenes change a lot, what audio plays during some parts I recognized in previous listens, and so I have more focus for figuring out the new details I missed. Whereas the first listen, I didn’t always know WHAT the scene context was until I heard a familiar line or description I remembered from the english version of the scene, but on a second listen I now have a better guess at the scene the lines are probably taking place in before and after those lines I recognized in the first listen. And this continues etc each time you re-listen to something. (So yes, that initial context of knowing what you’re listening to with a previous read of its translation or target language transcript will definitely speed up comprehension pick up - but if you just wanna test what your basic listening comprehension to new content is then it works fine just going into new audio with no prior context its just more difficult at first lol until you build an idea of the context from listening).

The original Listening-Reading Method person did like 40+ hours a week, 8 hours most days, no wonder they made fast progress! They often included reading in some form (hence the name) and later translation, so they also were constantly working on listening AND some reading skills AND eventually often some speaking/writing skills. Doing it my way results in mostly listening comprehension of stuff you could already read to a degree, more automaticity in recognition, and for picking up new vocabulary both in listening and reading. I do extra reading on the side with other stuff to get more reading practice in an isolated way (since I’m trying to push my reading speed up above speaking speed). I always try to do it the way the creator originally intended, but I am not able to focus on things for more than 20 minutes at a time, 40 to a couple hours if I take a break every 20 minutes. So doing it 8 hours just doesn’t work out. 

---

I’m fairly happy!

I am on plan for my main goals that started this style study plan: 

1. Improving my reading level to get to start being able to extensively read actual danmei novels - we got there! I am at a reading level appropriate for SaYe at 98% comprehension when I checked, and at a bit above 95% comprehension for Guardian! I’m now continuing with that goal while adding on increasing reading Speed in general.

2. Improving listening skills so I have better automatic recognition of partly-known words from reading (working super well so far - I can tell because ability to watch cdramas in only chinese has improved noticeably and gotten much easier), and so I can start following the main plot and key details of audiobooks of things I’ve read before (working great for guardian, starting to work with other audiobooks provided I listen to the chapters a few times or several times if its brand new material I have no context for, however reading level matters and while things I have prior familiarity with are going very well - brand new materials are still quite challenging in that they require multiple listens for the full plot and several listens before I start picking up most non-plot-critical details). 

[kiki-is-writing]

the beginning and end of everything UPDATE!!!

DISCLAIMER: This is my original work. I choose to share my work here and here specifically for my comrades in the writing community. Plagiarism in any form will not be tolerated. 

HI EVERYONE! I FINISHED MY NOVEL! Whooo hoooo!!!

It’s actually sort of surreal, I started it in June of 2020 and now it’s 2021 and it’s over! Ty, Jude, Ada, Dorothy, and Madison have been living in my head since October 2019, and less than a year and a half later, they’ve been brought to life! Crazy!!

A summary in case you forgot/are seeing this and don’t know who the hell I am:

Ty Kassisieh has no direction. He’s just graduated college with a degree he doesn’t care about and no clue what to do with his life. Per his parent’s request to be more like his genius twin sister Ada, he picks up a job at a local library to save some money. There, he meets his coworker Jude, who’s stuck in a position not too far from his own, and Ty immediately sees the potential for companionship. But after speaking to him, Ty discovers Jude is everything he isn’t: he’s cold, introverted, aloof, and worst of all, humorless. Soon, Ty forgets all about his initial goal and becomes determined to crack Jude and see what makes him tick. 

Ty’s journey of self-discovery is uprooted completely as what begins as an investigation blossoms into a friendship, and then into something more. Ty is forced to confront the feelings he’s been pushing down since high school and come to terms with himself, his family, and the relationships he thought would never change. It’s only when he befriends a young library patron, Madison, that he finally begins to see the world for what it is and figures out how to pave his own path.

Here are some stats!

Word count: 65,900 (it’ll get at least 20k words longer)

Genre: Romantic comedy

POV: third person limited, present tense

Characters: Ty, Jude, Ada, Madison, Dorothy, Diane, Omar, Paul, Uncle Hubie, Ethel

Chapters: 15

Font: Times New Roman (sorry)

This was my second novel, but the first novel where I actually knew what I was doing, at least a little bit. And holy shit, I learned SO much about my writing process:

1. I cannot pants for the life of me. I have no idea what I’m doing without an outline. But sometimes, the outline doesn’t know best. I added a ton of subplots and off-the-cuff scenes halfway through that have no set up, gave up on subplots that weren’t working halfway through, it’s a disaster of a plot. BUt the important thing is that I know how to make it perfect. I know what the story needs and how to get that.

2. Why can I only write in bursts? I wrote like seven chapters, half the novel, in the month of July. There was a day where I wrote almost 5,000 words. And last night, I wrote for 6 hours straight, without eating, drinking, or going to the bathroom (because frankly, I forgot those things existed) and I cranked out a chapter and a half in a DAY. I had such a headache and was very hungry by the end, but it was SO REWARDING. 

3. I noticed while drafting is how often bits of my real life bled through. Little anecdotes, arguments, dynamics and experiences. Those who know me particularly well can probably pick out little allusions to either some of my past works, my friends, and myself.

It was 1:00 AM when I finished, and I live on the east coast of the U.S. so we’d just had a huge Nor’easter (New England for blizzard) and I went outside in the middle of the night, in my pajama pants and my uggs, and stood in my backyard and looked at the trees and processed the fact that wow, I just wrote a novel. It was cathartic and beautiful and I 110% recommend standing in snow up to your knees by yourself in the middle of the night. Very peaceful. 

As exciting as it is to be done, it’s kind of weird to be ending it. I started this novel from Ty’s first person POV, and he was just kind of another goofy, dorky character that shared my own sense of humor as well as my sense of perfectionism. But as I wrote, not only did I realize that third person worked so much better, but I started realizing how much of me and my own journey as a queer person had gone into this. It turned from a light-hearted, silly rom-com with little depth, a fun summer project to keep myself busy, to the most self expressive story I’ve ever written. I didn’t expect it to come out with much deeper meaning, it was summer and I was on a light-hearted rom-com kick, and life was carefree and silly and I wanted a book that reflected it. And then, school started, and life just descended into absolute chaos, and it was November, and it was NaNoWriMo, and I was writing my novel while watching CNN for a week straight. (But it all turned out great! New president!)

I can’t remember exactly when I started to incorporate my own struggles growing up as a queer kid, but somehow they bled through in the second half. The last scene of the book is (no spoilers) an incredible breath of fresh air for Ty. It’s something I can only wish for every queer teenager, that moment where you can finally be unapologetically and authentically queer without that nagging worry in the back of your mind. I’ve struggled over this past year with my identity, and as Ty found his place, I found mine as well. 

Seriously, writing this book was one of the best experiences I’ve had. Yes, the entire time I had a separate document open, writing down every little thing that needs to change, but I legitimately feel excited for draft 2 and continuing working on this project. I think about how much this book helped me, unconsciously creating the story that I needed to hear, and how maybe, in ten, fifteen years, some queer teenager will be wandering around a bookstore and pick up The Beginning and End of Everything. Maybe just because the cover is pretty. Maybe they like the F. Scott Fitzgerald reference in the title. Maybe they heard about it on Twitter somewhere. But they pick it up, and see themselves in Ty, or in Jude, or in Madison. I know every book that gave me that feeling, I cherish them so deeply, and all I really want is for someone to get that feeling from something I wrote. To see themselves in the pages and know they’re not alone. It’s cheesy, but it’s true, and it’s important. 

I think one of my favorite themes in the novel is the whole ‘someone’s got your back’ thing. I 100% did not mean for it to go in the way it did, but I was writing this as I was going through some Stuff, some stuff in which I realized that having someone, just one person in your corner can mean the entire world, if only for that moment. And if there’s no one in your corner when you need it, you can be in someone else’s when they need it. Frankly, I love how it plays out throughout the novel. There was always that theme of Ty and Madison sort of being there for each other, but as I found myself in the first semester of the school year building new friendships with incredible, smart, funny people (albeit most of that being online) and strengthening old bonds, it worked its way in, and it fits perfectly. It adds depth and strength to the story I couldn’t have done consciously. 

Essentially, it is still the romantic comedy I intended it to be, but it’s also a coming-of-age (except much older than the traditional coming-of-age). Watching some of my close friends and family graduating college and continuing to struggle with their identities and places in the world I think is what truly carved out this idea. Because not everyone has everything figured out as soon as they graduate, and I feel like, as a teenager, that’s something my friends and I really need to get through our heads. A lot of us expect to have everything figured out as soon as we turn 18. But, we’re 18. There’s a lot of life ahead of us, and we can’t possibly know what we’re going to do so young. So I think that was my main source of inspiration for this novel, and I’m really proud of the way that fleshed out. Of course it needs lots and lots of work, but. I like it. The way my personal life bled through and strengthened the story is incredible to reflect on. Honestly, I really, truly, cannot wait to start working on draft 2.

taglist:

@alicewestwater @august-iswriting @lottieiswriting @phiwrites @jennawritesstories @chloeswords

[starrynite7114]

snapshots: time’s up

A/N: My lovelies! I hope you all don’t hate me too much after the previous chapter. I do not think you will like me very much for this update, but at least I’m updating regularly, right?! <3

Honestly, I just want to thank you all. It’s been difficult lately and this has been my outlet for everything that has been going on. I’m truly honored that you all enjoy this story as much as I enjoy writing it. 

The update is pretty long, hope you all enjoy this update. Next one should be up by the end of the week!

Love you all! 

taglist: @iambabyharry​ ; @thegirlwhowritesfics​

EZ shook his head as he watched Angel make out with some club hangaround. This was a familiar sight at this point. Ever since you left 4 months ago, Angel has been on a binge however, it wasn’t always like that.

At first, Angel had hope you were coming back. He frequently checked his cell phone to check if you had messaged him or anything, but it was radio silence. Still, Angel kept the faith you were gonna come home, to him. But then you changed your number and it was the straw that broke the camel’s back. 

Angel completely changed. 

He fucked any woman with legs around the clubhouse and Vicky’s. It was like Angel slept with all these women to spite you, that somehow, someway it would get back to you that he was sleeping around. 

Right after he fucked these girls, he would be at his apartment drinking himself to oblivion. EZ stayed with Angel at his apartment to assure that his older brother wouldn’t choke on his own vomit or something. It was a vicious fucking cycle. 

Yet, Angel still performed his club duties when he had too. When his duties at the club were fulfilled, his vicious cycle began. Bishop and Taza wanted to interfere, but they were letting Angel let it out. They knew he would eventually get over it. 

No, they didn’t think Angel would move on, but they knew he eventually would snap out of this stupor and look for you. When that time came, they would let him do that just so they could get the old Angel back. 

“Prospect,” Coco called out. “Shit, my bad, you ain’t a prospect no more.” Coco smirked. “Habits die hard.”

EZ looked over at Coco who was sitting right in front of him. “Sorry man, what can I get you?”

“Beer,” looking at where EZ was looking, he let out a sigh. “We need to find her, she’s had enough time to find herself.”

“You think she’s just trying to find herself?”

Coco nodded his head. “Yeah man, Chucky forgot to mention that he had seen Y/N leaving the clubhouse upset a month prior she left. Did some investigating on the club cameras and it was the day Adelita let us know she was pregnant.”

“And? Angel ain’t the father.” Gilly joined in the conversation as he grabbed himself a beer. 

“Yes, but if she saw them together, she may have assumed.” Coco took a swig of his beer, moving so that his back was towards Angel. “He’s barely functioning.”

“You guys still have no leads to where she could be at?” All three of them have been trying to find you, but they had to admit, you were good at hiding. Rafael wouldn’t even budge. They didn’t threaten the guy, but they were so close to doing it. He obviously knew where you were, but they couldn’t fault his loyalty. Their patience was wearing thin though. 

“Her sister won’t budge too and she honestly scares me,” EZ admitted, making the two men laugh. 

“Yeah, she’s a number too,” Coco agreed. “She would never give up her sister and she seemed pissed off as fuck when Angel even came by. That’s why I know Y/N thinks Angel is having a baby with Adelita, the letter said it itself.”

“What?” Gilly never read the letter, but Coco and EZ did. 

“In her letter, she said something about Angel having a family and she was happy for him.” Coco was your confidant in the MC. You were close to him, not as close as you were to Angel, but you confided in him when you had your troubles with Angel. That was why you running wasn't exactly a surprise, but he didn’t think you would ever be able to leave Angel. And to be honest, he was upset you cut him off. From what he understood, you still spoke to Leticia, but it was to check on her and even sent her money every once in a while to help out. He wished you didn’t cut everyone off, but he understood. 

At least for now.

“I know, but Coco said it’s no big deal.” Leticia said into her phone as she walked in the clubhouse, Coco’s food order in hand. “Y/N,” she paused realizing her mistake. Quickly her eyes went wide as Coco stood up watching as Angel’s attention moved to Letty. “Let me call you back, I still have homework to finish.”

“Did you just say her name?” Angel questioned as he stood up, pushing the girl off his lap.

“Yes, I was talking to a friend of mine about Y/N cause she used to help me with my computer, whenever it crashed.” Letty cooly lied. “It just crashed so I need to use the computer at the front office, is that cool Bishop?” She turned to Bishop, hoping her explanation would suffice.

“Of course,” Bishop nodded his head, smelling the lie.

“You don’t do your homework, isn’t that why you have detention on the daily,” Angel could sniff the lie, but he knew he couldn’t interrogate Coco’s kid. “You’re lying.”

“I’m not, I have no reason to lie to you.”

“You have every reason to do so, you were always loyal to her.” Angel whispered the last word of his sentence. The ache came when the slight thought of you entered his mind. It was the reason that alcohol had become his confidant, the pain went away whenever it coursed through his system.

“I was, still am, but I’m not sure what this has to do with my phone call about homework.” Coco had to applaud his daughter. When she was committed to a lie, she was all out. 

“Don’t fucking lie to me, you’ve been contacting her under our noses, the least you can do is give me her fucking number.” 

Angel stepped towards Letty, she wasn’t standing down. Coco got in between them, shaking his head.

“Don’t even fucking think about it. My kid said it wasn’t Y/N. That’s the end of that.” Coco turned to Letty. “Let’s go, I’ll stay with you while you do your homework.” He turned back to Angel. “I’m gonna let this slip cause I know you miss her, but watch how you fucking talk to my daughter.”

Angel looked around the room, watching as everyone watched him. He sighed, walking out.

This was driving him crazy. At first, he thought you were coming back, you had to. There was no way you wouldn’t. You were dependent on him as much as he was on you. If he was missing you as crazy as he was, then he was certain you felt the same. 

But then a month passed and you changed your number.

That’s when it truly hit Angel that you wanted to be out of his life. There was plenty of self-blaming at first stemming from his insecurities. Thoughts such as him not being good enough for you, settling for him, etc, it all went through his head. But then the anger would set in and your letter ran in his mind again. He didn’t do anything and if you thought that you two were done, you had another thing coming. Angel hasn’t stopped looking for you even though he wallowed in self pity half the time. He found himself spending time with his father more often, as being alone wasn’t good for him. Sleeping with all these women wasn't doing much for him, since half the time, he was too drunk to be able to do anything. 

“You gonna get your head out of your ass and finally look for your girl?” Bishop questioned as he sat beside Angel on the steps that led to the clubhouse.

“Yeah,” Angel wasn’t as talkative as he was before and the club noticed. They made jokes at first, but they saw the effect your disappearance has had on Angel. Truth be told, this Angel sucked. He wouldn’t joke around with them as much. He could be mischievous at times, but they knew he was fighting to be himself. They never knew how much influence you had on Angel. Well, maybe they did, they just didn’t think you would ever leave for them to see how awful Angel could be without you around. To make matters worst, no one fucking knew why you left. “I’ve been looking for her, if I don’t, I’m gonna go fucking crazy.”

“Who have you asked?” Bishop took a drag from his cigar. 

“Her sister, Rafael, I even fucking called Jake,” Angel hated that phone call with Jake. The surprise in his voice and when he said ‘she finally opened her eyes’, it pissed Angel off. How dare this worthless piece of shit say that to him. Angel hung up on Jake then, trying to gather himself. If he ever saw that motherfucker again, he was going to beat his ass. 

“You called her ex-boyfriend?” Bishop wasn’t surprised at the lengths Angel would go for you, but he didn’t think he would call Jake. The Santo Padre president knew that you wouldn’t go near Jake. You were pissed at Angel, but you weren’t stupid. You were going to go somewhere Angel would never think of. Seeing one of his members in such disarray, it bothered Bishop. And Bishop thought of you as family as well, at this point, he just wanted to make sure you were safe. You wanted space from Angel, that was fine, but Bishop himself needed to know you were doing okay. 

Bishop saw you as one of his own. He knew Angel could be an idiot at times and didn’t think before he did things, but he was almost certain that you didn’t need to leave to make Angel realize he fucked up. 

“I was desperate, believe me, I regretted it instantly.” Angel took another drag from his cigarette. “I feel like I’m at the brink of insanity. I don’t know what I did wrong. Her letter didn’t really leave any answers, if  anything, it just brought on more questions. What fucking family does she think I’m having? Or what fucking girl she’s talking about I should be with.”

“Women, they never give you a straight answer, it’s always riddles.”

Angel managed to chuckle along with Bishop. 

“I found her.”

“What?” Angel looked over at Bishop, standing up, not sure if he heard him correctly. 

“She’s at Flagstaff.”

Angel’s heart dropped. 

No. 

You wouldn’t. 

You wouldn’t go to fucking Gabriel. You didn’t fucking know Gabriel. 

“How’d you find out?”

“Flagstaff president called me, said that Gabriel has been hanging around with her.”

No. 

Fuck.

You wouldn’t. 

Gabriel? 

All these thoughts were running in Angel’s mind. He knew this wasn’t a joke since Bishop wouldn’t pull his leg about something like this. 

“Did he say if she came to the clubhouse?” Angel was proud of himself for keeping his composure. You didn’t leave him for Gabriel, this was all circumstantial. 

“No, he goes over to her place often. He informed me since he didn’t want this to cause a riff between charters.” Bishop stood up as well, leaning against the column. “Told him that not to worry about it, I was certain that Gabriel was just looking out for your girl.” Bishop didn’t believe that, but he didn’t need Angel thinking the worst. 

Angel nodded his head, placing his hands on his waist, his cigarette long forgotten on the floor. He took out his keys, making his way over to his bike. 

“Angel, don’t be stupid. Think before you do anything.” Bishop warned. 

“I’m just going for a ride Bish, I’ll be back in a few hours.”

He definitely was going to come back. After he cleared his head, he was taking Coco and Gilly and going to Flagstaff. If he had to drag you back to Santo Padre, he would. 

He gave you time and now, your time’s up.

==========================

You walked around the grocery store, trying to remember what was in your pantry. Grocery shopping was always fun since you loved to cook, but with this branch of your company here being so new, you’ve had to work overtime and takeout has been your friend. Thankfully, it’s been dying down this past few weeks and you’ve been able to actually explore Flagstaff.

“Hey!” You shrieked as Gabriel placed 6 packs of steak in your cart. 

“What?” He smirked. “I’ll eat it all for you.”

“You should at least share with your brothers,” you shook her head. And you meant his actual brothers since he had 3 younger brothers he was taking care of. 

“I definitely will, we’re having a club party tonight, you should come.” Gabriel has been trying to have you come visit the clubhouse for some time however you’ve been reluctant. You didn’t want anyone else to know you were in Flagstaff. You ran into Gabriel by chance since one of your new coworkers was his younger brother. You took his younger brother under your wing and as a show of appreciation, he wanted to bring you home to dinner. And when you came, you met Gabriel outside and well, the rest was history.

You weren’t dating Gabriel, you didn’t want to date anyone from the Mayans. 

It might get back to Angel. You’re sure he wouldn’t care, but still, you much rather play it safe. 

Being friends with one of them should be fine, as long as you stayed away from the clubhouse. 

“I’m good, I just want to relax after being so busy the last few months.” It was an excuse, sort of. You did want to stay home. You were a homebody. You just wanted to enjoy your Netflix shows and go from there. 

“You know, we both know that you didn’t need to do overtime, you just wanted to keep yourself occupied.” Gabriel wasn’t going to lie and say he wasn’t happy you broke up with Angel. He wasn’t going to push you or pursue you just yet, but once you were ready, he had every intention of asking you out. At first, it was a schoolyard crush, but seeing you around his family, it further piqued his interest. He didn’t care if you were Angel’s girlfriend, he was in Santo Padre, this was Flagstaff. As long as Angel didn’t know you were here, you’d be fine. 

Besides, you had specifically requested, begged Gabriel to not inform Angel of your whereabouts. 

“Perhaps, but the extra cash definitely wasn’t terrible.” You wanted to change the subject. You’ve been good at changing the subject when it came to Angel, but it was getting more and more difficult. Your sister, Rafael and Gabriel haven't let up on it. They all have their reasons. Your sister was becoming annoyed by Angel and was applauding you from walking away from him. Though she has always been on team Angel and does not actually believe he cheated on you, your sister didn’t mind seeing Angel suffer. Rafael just didn’t want you and Angel wasting time when you two have wasted enough time in his eyes. Gabriel wanted you to face your feelings for Angel so you could fully move on, with him. 

“Mami, listen,” Gabriel pulled you towards him, tucking a strand of hair behind your ear. “I get it, you don’t want to talk about him, but we would have to eventually. I know you’re not ready and I’ll wait for you.”

“Gabriel, I,” you sighed. “I don’t think I would ever date anyone in the MC, Angel would figure out where I am and I can’t have that.”

“We can keep secrets, if that’s what you were worried about.” Gabriel knew it was wrong to pursue you. But you were no longer with Angel. You were single. There was nothing wrong with dating you, but he knew how deep you and Angel’s relationship was. Angel was going to make you his wife. There was a nagging voice in Gabriel’s ear, but he was willing to ignore it for you. 

His club wouldn’t crucify him for this. 

“It’s better we don’t, we’re friends, can’t we just remain that way?” 

Gabriel chuckled. “Always wounding me with the f-word.” He didn’t want to push you either, he didn’t want to be that asshole. If he was going to be with you, it would be under your terms, he would never push you. His mother taught him better than that. “I’ll have you fall for my charm, you just wait.”

You laughed. “You’ll be surprised how good I am when it comes to not falling for pretty boys.” 

“I’m not a pretty boy though, Ivan, maybe, but me, fuck no.” Gabriel’s younger brother Ivan was your co-worker. He was the second oldest between the four brothers and they had their sister, who was the youngest. She felt for her at times, but Gabriel and his brothers didn’t seem too overprotective of her. But make her cry and it was a whole different story. 

“Sure, we’ll go with that,” you teased him as you two continued to walk around the grocery store. 

You definitely appreciated Gabriel’s company. You were surprised that he stuck to you, but you figured that you truly did build a friendship with him while he visited Santo Padre. 

“Has he tried contacting you?” Gabriel questioned as he helped you place some drinks in your cart.

“No, I don’t know, I changed my number, remember?” 

Gabriel chuckled. “Right, sorry, I just assumed Angel would have found a way to contact you by now.”

“Doesn’t matter, I doubt he is, he has a family now.” You never truly went into details with Gabriel since no one knew of Angel and Adelita’s relationship prior to Los Olvidados becoming a part of the MC. You weren’t even sure if people outside of the Santo Padre charter knew about them. You didn’t want to throw the MC under the bus, so you kept the details as minimal as possible.

“It doesn’t make sense, Angel was far too in love with you to cheat. When they would make stops at Flagstaff, he would go straight to a room and talk to you. That was before you two were ever together.” Gabriel wasn’t lying. He knew he was technically helping him out, but he wanted this to be fair. “Maybe you misunderstood.”

“I know what I saw, can we please not talk about it?” Your voice was so little and it upset you and Gabriel. 4 months, you thought that would be enough time, but it really wasn’t. It was still a fresh wound. It was difficult leaving Angel, but every time you would even think of going back, Adelita came into your head. The baby she was carrying deserved to have a complete family and Angel deserved to have a family. You couldn’t provide that for him, you were strong enough to admit that and step away. 

“I’m sorry baby,” Gabriel wrapped his arm around your shoulder, placing a kiss on your head. 

You two finished off your groceries, with Gabriel pushing the cart for you so that you could concentrate on getting what you needed. After paying, Gabriel helped you place your groceries in your trunk. He was the one who noticed the roar of the motorcycles, his attention immediately going towards where the noise was coming from. He saw the back of their kutte and saw Mayans. They parked next to his bike which was a lane over. 

He turned back to you as you placed the last of your items in your trunk. Handing you the last bag, Gabriel took the cart away from your car. 

“I’ll meet you at your place. Stop by that coffee shop you like, can you get me the drink you always bring me?” Gabriel requested.

You raised an eyebrow at him, looking at the time on your watch. “They’re closing in 30 minutes.”

“Better get going then, least you can do by forcing me to push your cart around.” 

“Gabriel!” 

He laughed, placing a kiss on your cheek. “Go, I need some caffeine in my system.” 

You shook your head at him as you got in the car. Thankfully, there was no car in front of you so Gabriel knew you were going to move forward, which you did. Watching till you exited the shopping plaza, he placed the cart at its designated area as he made his way over to his bike. He found Gilly and Coco just waiting for him.

“Gabriel, how you doing hermano?” Coco greeted him.

“Good, what brings you two to Flagstaff?” Gabriel questioned. He shouldn’t play stupid, he knew why they were here. 

“We heard Angel’s girl was here,” Gilly answered, purposely referring to you as Angel’s girlfriend. 

“Angel got a new girl?” Gabriel was digging, but Coco and Gilly knew better than to do anything to him. If anything, it would look bad on them to do something to him when this should have been Angel’s concern.

“Come on Gabriel, don’t make this harder on yourself.” Coco warned. 

“Why would it be? I’m not doing anything wrong. They broke up, hence the reason she’s here.” Gabriel crossed his arms over his chest. “She’s not going back to Santo Padre.”

“That’s not your call.” Gilly didn’t have a problem with Gabriel, hell, he actually liked the guy, but his loyalty was to Angel.

“Look, she’s hurting, I don’t think her going back to Santo Padre is really going to do anything for her.” 

“And keeping her here is doing exactly what for her?” Coco asked. It was nice to see you, he wanted to go up to you, give you some shit for closing him off, but he promised Angel that he wouldn’t approach you. 

“Helping her move on, helping her start over without him.” 

Gilly shook his head. “Again, that’s not your call. This was all a misunderstanding.”

“Yeah, we’ll see about that.” 

==========================

“You must have been really thirsty, you just guzzled that drink down.” You teased Gabriel as you two made your way down the hall towards your apartment. 

“Well, you had me pushing your cart and now I’m carrying your groceries, so of course I was thirsty.” Gabriel playfully snapped at you.

You laughed. “Didn’t know you couldn’t carry those groceries, I could have just done them.”

“Yeah, whatever,” Gabriel smirked. 

He left Coco and Gilly at the shopping center and hurried to your apartment. He didn’t know where the fuck Angel was, but he had to let you know that the Santo Padre charter knew where you were. Maybe he shouldn’t have told his president he’s been hanging out with you, but he didn’t frequent the club much and they were suspicious. He didn’t need them sniffing around over nothing. 

You walked into your apartment, Gabriel following in tow with your grocery bags in his hands. Seeing Coco and Gilly definitely gave him a fright. He wasn’t scared of them, but if they were here, that meant Angel wasn’t too far behind. Before you could walk in further, you stopped at your living room, surprised by your visitor. 

"Hello mi dulce," Angel greeted you as he sat back on your couch,  his eyes trained on you before shifting to Gabriel, his mouth in a thin line. You could tell he was holding back his anger. 

"You should go," you told Gabriel, turning around to grab the groceries, but he moved it from your reach.

“You’re good, I’ll bring this to the kitchen,” he kissed the top of your head as he passed by.

“4 months, no contact, nothing. And I see you with another man, doesn’t that count as cheating.” Angel’s smugness made you angry. This was breaking an entry, who did he think he was breaking into your apartment. 

“We’re over.”

“That’s a matter of opinion.” He shrugged. “Where’s Ares?”

“He’s at Gabriel’s, he has a backyard so I leave Ares there when I go to work.” 

“You got our dog hanging out at his place now?” 

Gabriel walked back in the living room. “What are you doing here? I didn’t hear about anyone coming from Santo Padre for a visit.” 

“This is none of your club’s concern. Don’t make it your club's concern. Leave.” Angel was trying his best to not fight Gabriel, not wanting to bring any heat like he promised Bishop. But he was getting on his nerves. 

“From my understanding, she’s no longer your girlfriend.” 

“You misunderstood then,” Angel stood up then, making your breath hitch. 

You’ve missed Angel and seeing him in the flesh, was proving too much for you. But you had to hold down your resolve. He has a baby now, you were sure of it. Adelita must have given birth by now. 

You two were done. 

“Let’s go,” Gabriel gently began pushing you out the door, but before you could even make it out, Angel blocked the doorway.

“I don’t think you understand, you can leave, but my girl is staying here with me.”

“She’s not your girl,” Gabriel stood in front of you, further aggravating Angel. Who the fuck did this motherfucker thought he was? You didn’t need protecting from him. “If she doesn’t want to stay here with you, she’s not going to.”

“Who the fuck do you think you are? You’re nothing to her. You think she’s going to be with you now that you presume we’re over? She’s always been my girl and nothing’s going to fucking change that.” Angel snapped. His hands were a ball of fist at his sides, trying to control his anger, but this was a losing battle. 

“Angel, please leave.” You somehow found your voice. 

He looked at you as you stood behind Gabriel. “No.”

“Please, I don’t want to see you. We’re done, we have nothing to talk about.” This was pathetic and you hated it, but you felt so small. You weren’t afraid of Angel, you were just afraid to hear what he had to say to you.

“Look, I don’t know what’s going on, but I gave you 4 months. If you think I’m leaving without you, you have another thing coming for you. Whatever is going inside that head of yours, it’s all a misunderstanding. I’m not leaving Flagstaff till you’re with me.” His gaze shifted over to Gabriel. “Thank you for taking care of my old lady, but once we clear this misunderstanding, I’m taking her back to Santo Padre.” 

“Angel, we have nothing to talk about. If you want to talk to salvage our friendship, we can, I just need some time away from you. I need to move on from you so we can be friends.” 

“There is no moving on, what part of I’m not letting you go don’t you get. I don’t know why you think I don’t fucking love you, but you’re wrong. I do.” Angel hated that Gabriel was here for this, but if this was the only way you were going to talk to him, he would live with it. 

You didn’t want to have this conversation, especially not in front of Gabriel. 

“Gabriel, can you please leave?” You requested. 

“No, I’m not leaving you here with him.” Gabriel didn’t turn his back on Angel, he didn’t trust him.

“‘I’ll be fine, Angel won’t hurt me.”

“That’s not why I don’t want to leave you.”

You hugged him from the back, leaning your forehead against his back. His hand wrapped around yours that was resting on his chest. 

“Thank you for being amazing, Angel isn’t going to leave and I don’t want you two to fight.” 

The intimacy of this moment further aggravated Angel, but he couldn’t exactly hit Gabriel while you were holding him.

You moved away from Gabriel. He turned to face you, giving you a small smile.

“I’ll see you later mami, call me if you need me.” Gabriel turned back around and faced Angel. “If I met her first, she would have been mine, I hope you know that." Gabriel confidently told Angel.

"Whatever helps you sleep at night, hermano," Angel smirked. “You can go fuck yourself though.”

Gabriel harshly brushed past Angel, closing the door behind him. Angel went to lock the door to assure Gabriel didn’t change his mind and came back in.

“Does he have a key to your apartment?” Angel questioned as he made his way back over to you.

“No.”

Angel nodded his head. “I don’t know what’s going on, but we’re going to talk it out. I’m serious Y/N, I’m not leaving Flagstaff unless you’re with me.”

And you knew Angel was serious, you just didn’t understand why he came after you.

No matter what, you two were done. 

But you also knew Angel, he was the most stubborn man you’ve ever met. 

This was going to be a long night. 

[scarletkate1881]

Little Magnets - Pt. 3

A/N: Hey! Remember how I posted that itty bitty chapter yesterday? Welp, here's a whopper, it really got ran away from me and I couldn't find the right place to split it up. I'm really going to try and start updating regularly, I know there's nothing more frustrating than an unfinished story and I know how I want this story to go, it's just getting it out, y'know? 

Anyway, if you're actually reading this, thank you, I love you and you're beautiful. Feedback/comments/critiques more than welcome :)

Part One

Part Two

Worry started to creep into Erik’s mind soon after the twins’ second birthday; worry that one of these days somebody would find him, worry he’d slip up and expose who and what he was, worry that his children would be mutants who would grow up in such an unfriendly world.

Humankind was slowly but surely getting more hostile toward mutants, reports of “dangerous mutants” was an almost monthly occurrence in the news and it was well known that there were numerous groups globally whose sole purpose was to hunt down mutants trying to live normal lives; somehow, their violent deaths never made the papers and no investigations made.

It enraged and terrified Erik at the same time, he wanted, needed, things to change but he couldn’t do anything lest he endanger his family. Should they be mutants, Pietro and Wanda would face harsh judgement and unjust hatred. For Erik, it was a dilemma that made his already sleepless nights more restless.

By the twins’ third birthday, Magda had began to worry, Pietro’s once chestnut hair was slowly growing out pure white; the local doctor had said it was probably down to some genetic trait and Erik was sure the man was correct, but not in the way he meant. Magda was well aware of the situation surrounding mutantkind, it was something the couple had spoken about more times than they’d like, however, it seemed like the thought that her children could have inherited their father’s genes hadn’t really crossed her mind, but once it had, it was all that occupied her thoughts.

The children never caught on or felt the rising concern in their parents, they were happy and never gave too much trouble; Pietro had a habit of wandering off whenever Erik or Magda took their eyes off him too long and had to be watched closely when taken to a store, unless he’d end up with a pocket full of grapes or something shiny to give to Wanda.

Wanda was quiet, she hardly spoke unless she desperately wanted something and always clung to her parents when they were out of the house. Despite the fact that she was the younger twin, mentally, she appeared older than her brother; understanding and learning quickly, she could read before Pietro had even bothered to look at a book.

By the twins fourth birthday, Erik’s bubble of familial happiness was showing signs it was close to bursting. Two weeks before Pietro and Wanda’s birthday, Magda had started to experience some health problems; erratic heartbeats, dizziness and even fainting on a few occasions.

Magda had tried to shrug off Erik’s concern and refused to have the village’s doctor see her. Her stubbornness had always been frustrating to Erik, but unlike in the past when he’d just laugh and shake his head with a twinkle of admiration in his eye, now it caused a feeling of weakness and desperation to the man.

It wasn’t until Erik came home from work to his children sobbing hysterically and their mother lying unconscious on the kitchen floor, that Magda allowed the doctor to visit. Erik stayed in the living room, playing with his children to distract himself while the doctor conducted his examination upstairs; after an hour, Dr. Balan descended the stairs with his head hung low and a sympathetic expression.

It continued for all of four months, for the first couple weeks Magda had tried to act like nothing had changed, that her loving heart wasn’t failing her, but quite quickly, she had become almost constantly bed bound, the medicine she took only dulled her pain. Magda still did what she could as a mother, reading to her children as they nestled into her side and watching while they played on her bedroom floor, unknowing of her ailment.

Erik had left his job immediately after her diagnosis, only ever leaving the house when the family was running dangerously low on food, however that was getting rarer as time went on; the village community, humans, had started to help the family after learning of Magda’s decline. Erik had, of course, tried to refuse their charity and kindness, his pride too strong to accept, but he had become too afraid of leaving the house, afraid that Magda would slip away while he was gone.

During her final days, was when Erik finally broke down completely. He couldn’t look after his children alone, they needed their mother, he needed his wife, but she had become a wilting beautiful flower; her eyes no longer shone, her skin an ashy grey. By this point, the children had noticed something was wrong but didn’t completely understand the severity of the situation and Erik didn’t know how to explain.

Magda was buried early on a Wednesday morning, only Erik and his twins in attendance, he refused to let anyone else be there. He stayed until Pietro and Wanda began to fuss due to hunger, he’d told them as best he could that their mother had gone, that she wasn’t in pain anymore, and no, Pietro, she wouldn’t be coming back in a couple of days.

The rest of the day was a numb blur for Erik, it wasn’t until he’d put his children to bed (which was a lot easier than it usually was as Pietro didn’t object in the slightest) that he realized just how quiet and dark the house seem. The place that once felt like a cosy little home just felt like a cluttered collection of rooms. Erik needed to leave.

During his crazier days, living life on the move had been the norm, sneaking across borders and slipping through blind-spots had been easy for him, but he knew he couldn’t drag his children around after him like that, they needed stability.

He knew he couldn’t stay in Romania, this was her country; Magda had always been very proud of her homeland, she’d never left and never planned to, which was the only reason he stayed. Originally, he’d only planned on staying in Romania for a night or two before crossing into Serbia, but then Magda appeared and he forgot Serbia and the plan.

Magda had Romani roots and as a child, she’d roamed the country with her family, until the Soviets invaded and the bombs fell. Magda lost so much at such a young age during the war, many of her family and friends were killed just for being ‘gypsies’, it was one of the reasons he’d clutched onto her; she knew, she understood how it felt, and yet she was a beautiful person, it hadn’t turned her cold or cynical like it had him, she was good, pure . . . his angel.

By Friday, Erik had made up his mind, helped by his ever-curious son. Ten minutes on his own and Pietro had rummaged through every drawer and cupboard in the living room, emptying the contents onto the floor; after calmly instructing the four year old to go play with his sister outside, Erik began shoving everything back into place until he came across a tatty letter that was faded with age.

Six years, would that be too long?

No, Erik thought sardonically, Raven would still be waiting. The feelings of disgust and anger at himself and pity and guilt for Raven twisted in his gut. But he needed help, Erik was not above admitting that, and Raven would walk through fire to help him . . . and he left her waiting in Serbia.

The day Erik received that letter, he’d went into full defense-mode, panicking that somebody from Magneto’s past, somebody so dangerous, knew where he was. Despite the lack of anger in the words, he still expected something, ‘Hell hath no fury’ and all that. He refused to let Magda out of his sight for almost a month, practically cutting off all contact with the outside world and not trusting anyone who came to the house; Erik still couldn’t understand why Magda would go on to marry him and birth his children, couldn’t she see the red flags?

The letter made it clear that Raven would wait, that he only had to say the word and she’d be there. But Erik kept mulling over the fact that it was Magneto Raven was loyal to, a man who commanded change and revolution; what would she think of him now?

Friday night, after putting his children to bed, Erik prepared to go into the village to use the telephone box; as he made the half mile walk, his mind kept flipping between the two possibilities: a part of him hoped that it would be too late, that the phone number on the letter wouldn’t work anymore, but then what could he do?

The other possibility was that it would work and he’d be able to get everything he needed to get himself and his children out of the country and start again elsewhere, and isn’t that what he wanted? Yes, but he didn’t want to dredge up the past, reconnect with his old life and have it taint his twins.

By the time Erik arrived at the phone box, he was on auto-pilot; he knew he needed to do and didn’t want to think too deeply about any of his decisions, just try to live in the moment and worry later. With the phone receiver in one clenched hand and the aged letter in the other, Erik dialled the number, held his breath and counted the rings.

One.

Two.

Thr –

“Hello?”

[locktobre]

If Barbie ever went back to continuing the fairytale trend (Nutcracker, Swan Lake, Rapunzel, 3 Musketeers, Christmas Carol... stories like that) which stories would you want to see the most? Me personally I’d love to see Sleeping Beauty, Little Red Riding Hood (I’d love to see Barbie do some sorta “Little Pink Riding Hood” kinda thing lol), and maybe somehow work Twas The Night Before Christmas into a movie or at least a half hour special 😂 . It might never happen but they’d be cool movies

The Princess and the Pea and/or Little Red Riding Hood, as elaborated on in this ask from a couple months ago. They’re my favorite fairytales, and it would be nice to see Barbie do them.

This ask also just reminded me that back in 2014 I started trying to work on some Barbie-style adaptations. These are the stories I was working on (or going to try to work on, before I forgot about it completely): The Snow Queen, A Little Princess, Gulliver’s Travels, and The Secret Garden. The Snow Queen is the only one that I really have any work on, but even that I don’t remember much anymore bc it was so long ago. I only have 2 (conflicting) pages of notes and one line in the story to go off of, so I didn’t really get very far on this before I gave up.

But in any case, I wish that if Barbie did return to fairytales, they would do them in a modern setting/context, bc I really like updated fairytales and I feel like there’s not enough of them. I know that’s not what most ppl want, they want the classic pseudo-historical princesses, but if we’re talking about what I want, it’s modern fairytales.

[leanarg]

Practice Challenge II

((Hi again! So, these are 3 fics in one post! Including my first two rps with @ladyreggiewright​ (our very first one after ages not doing this so asdfghk) and with @wylan-caldwell​ I had so much fun doing both, so thank you, guys! <3 Thanks for reading too, hope you enjoy them as much as I stuggled writing them ;P  Google Docs link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ARTjqveFJ1njDc2LL0PU4C0ShN2jlO9JC1Imt9MDTh8/edit?usp=sharing ))

A CHANGE OF LUCK

“Alright, y’all ready?” Rita said with a loud voice vibrating with nervousness. “The speeches are over. In the next block, Prince Arin will be picking the names.” That was her fifth lap around the entertainment office floor and she just couldn’t stop repeating what Vandy Post had already announced before each round of commercials. I knew she was trying to act authoritative, but seeing her in this state was always amusing.

It wasn’t unusual that the building was bursting with energy this late at night. The pre-press team always stayed working on putting together the bulldog broadsheets content and adding the last details, then sent the whole thing before the deadline to the press team operating on the last floor, where they were all in charge of the printing process. I would dare to say there was activity in this place 24/7. But this particular night, we were focused on The Report. The streets looked almost empty from up here, everyone was at home in front of their TV waiting for the names of the lucky girls randomly picked by a drawing of names out of different crystal boxes. 35 provinces, 35 boxes, 35 names. 

My attention had been focused on Arin’s stern expression. His life was about to be decided by fate, or as many people want to call it, destiny. I wonder what was he thinking, standing there expressionless, willing to uphold his duty. 

Is he excited? Is he nervous? Is he wishing he could run away from that room and leave all this tradition behind?

My name was inside of one of the boxes, so I should had been even more anxious and edgy than Rita herself, but, after the PET Gala fiasco, where: I hadn’t gotten the clues I was so close to getting, I hadn’t finished the job I was supposed to be doing and my one month salary had been reduced to half; I was certain that whoever was in charge of my luck was not very fond of me. 

“They are back!” Rita shouted as soon as Arin’s face reappeared. Everyone in the room fell silent. I scoffed a laugh when I noticed them unconsciously leaning slightly towards the big tv, but I ended up doing the same after adjusting my glasses. One by one the basic information of the selected were being transcribed from the screen to our devices as Arin picked out their papers. 

<< “From Allens, Idalia Moretti, from Angeles, Emily Rose White,... from Honduragua, Callia Adair…” >>

My fingers were moving fast across my cellphone’s keyboard. These were the girls we would be hearing a lot about  from now on and I needed to know everything about them.

<< “From Labrador, Lea…” >>

I froze. My head felt dizzy trying to take in what I had just heard. For the shortest of seconds, everyone’s eyes were on me. I could hear Rita’s voice instructing them to get back to work and maybe someone else was now in charge of The Globe’s blog but at that moment I couldn’t care less about that.

It’s really happening... I made it to the selection!

Finally, I could stand up. I was feeling so much energy inside me that I wanted to run. Suddenly, the lift made a sound and my dad came quickly out of it and … wait, my mom is here? She was carrying my sleepy little brother, Dean. 

I could read the shock on my parents’ faces.“I’m in!!” I said a little too loud but since Mr. Grant was there no one dared to complain. My dad let out a short laugh before extending his arms for an embrace. “Congratulations, Rosie, I knew it would happen, didn’t I tell you V?” He said to my mom. “Grants always get what they want.” 

Ugh, I wish. But I wasn’t going to argue with him right now, so I just offered him a wink.

As soon as my father let go, my mom surrounded me with her free arm. “So how does it feel to be a lady, huh? We have to celebrate this!”

“Well, do ladies feel hungry this late? Cause I wasn’t feeling it a moment ago.” “Yes, let’s leave these guys to work in peace.” my dad said suddenly remembering where we were. After clearing his throat as if that simple gesture was a switch between the dad and the boss, he talked with Rita to make sure someone had replaced me updating the blog, then he congratulated everyone for their dedication and finally wished them good night. “I just hope you are paying me the full day,” I said to my dad as we all headed outside.

“I mean, are you working right now?” He raised an eyebrow, mockingly.

I sighed “I guess Grants can’t always get what they want after all.”  And I meant it in more than one way. 

The next week ran fast. My father and I agreed that I had to keep going to the office as usual, but it wasn’t easy to balance my work and my phone ringing every 5 minutes. More than once I had to ride home in the middle of the day because someone was waiting for me at home. 

First, a man with a very peculiar face came to do some kind of interrogation, which was understandable until we got to the most uncomfortable, personal ones. I almost spit my coffee laughing until I realized he had no intention to leave until he got every answer to each one of the questions on his list. 

Like him, I received a tailor and a doctor; but it wasn’t until the press started to ask for interviews when I realized my life had made a turn of 360 degrees. 

The thing I lamented the most about this odd schedule was that I couldn’t travel to the provinces to interview some of the selected as we had planned, but I did take advantage of every opportunity I had to do deep research about them. 

Some of the names or last names could be found on old newspaper editions, there were tragedies, accomplishments, unfortunate events… I smiled to myself, while I made annotations on my journal, fascinated by all the different interesting lives that were about to gather under the same roof. And I guess somehow that included mine.

The farewell party organized by Labrador’s Mayor seemed more like a political campaign than a real party. I might have fallen asleep during his speech if I hadn’t been texting Harris for the 40th time that week.

The last time I knew something about him was the night of the announcement when he sent me a simple “Congratulations, Lady Lea.” Then as the photographer, he had to go with Rea to the half-tour over the country to cover the selected interviews. 

“How dare you not be here when you are needed,... you lucky mooncalf.”

I looked up to see the crowd from my place on the big platform set in the middle of the Amberly park. It hadn’t been a very good idea, because there were grey clouds gathering over us and the sun was partially covered by them already. 

Someone forgot to check the weather section today.

But the trees surrounding us were decorated with purple and green metallic balloons -the colors of our province- and there were several signs with good wishes so I appreciated the effort. 

Everyone was here; The Globe employees that didn’t like me at all, my family on the first row, my college best friend, Liv had made space on her busy schedule  to come to the event, even my grandmother had sent his chauffeur with presents. That was her way to show support and I honestly didn’t have any complaints.  After the Mayor’s speech, the great boss Maxwell Loyd took the microphone to speak, I rolled my eyes, not caring about the people in front of me. He didn’t waste this opportunity to promote himself and flatter me. I mean, if he really had thought all that about me I would have had a promotion and a raise already, instead I just got ridiculous instructions and a handshake. 

When they both finally finished, the rain had started to pour, plus it was almost time for me to leave for the airport. I buttoned my coat before taking my place behind the microphone to start talking, but the eyes of the lady in charge of my schedule forced me to skip until the end of the speech I had prepared the night before. Every time I was going to make it sound deep and sentimental she made a sign for me to hurry.

“I appreciate your support… I will do my best… thank you for coming.”  

Were the only complete sentences I managed to say under such pressure. There was clapping and cheering afterwards, but there was after the previous boring speeches as well, so I didn’t get too excited about that. 

“Have a good time, my Lea.” My mother said after kissing my brow. I could smell her sweet perfume that I was going to miss. “I will, mom. Take care, I’m only leaving cause I know you are going to be in charge.” I side eyed the two men of the house. Then I kissed my little brother and messed his blond hair. “Bye bye little toad.” He just babbled something and waved his little hand. 

“So, Lady Grant. What do you expect from Prince Arin? Do you secretly plan to drink all the coffee from the Angele’s Palace? Rumor has it your father won’t let you marry until you turn 48 years old do you think Your Highness would wait for you that long?” “Wow, Mr. Grant you ask pretty basic questions, I have been asked the same ones all week.” He gave me a big tight hug and I ignored the wool of his coat feeling  itchy on my cheek. “I’m very proud of you Leana, and of course I’m not talking about this selection situation… I’m sorry about-” I stopped him not wanting to have our little disagreements as today’s last memory. And I also hoped I could change his mind by the time I returned home. “We can talk about that when I come back, dad.” He nodded. “I’m starting to feel bad for our dear Prince Arin.” I scoffed a laugh.

“Lady Grant, we are past the established hours already.” I heard a lady behind me. 

I turned to my friend Liv with an apologetic expression but she just smiled and waved. “I will text you… Bye! The rain started to fall harder but I had read the weather section on the paper this morning so I was properly dressed with boots and a coat over my white shirt and black pants. 

I walked towards a guard who was holding an opened umbrella to cover us with it. He opened the door of the car.  Then he offered to take my bag for me, but I had packed some of my old journals in there among my personal things. “Thank you… What’s your name?” “Finn Ray, my lady.” He answered confused. “I will keep this here with me, Finn.” I said in what I hoped was a reassuring tone before entering the car. I guessed he was new at guarding selected, because I noticed him turning to look at the woman in charge of the schedule. She nodded once at him and joined me inside the limousine. 

By the time we got to the airport I had learned that our chauffeur was called Alan Cobb, he had been working for the palace for 3 years on special occasions. He had three kids and his wife was expecting a baby girl. 

The strict lady was Miss Ramirez, she was happily single, obviously tardiness was her biggest pet peeve and she had worked there for 6 years already, but she enjoyed her job and had never thought of doing anything else, although I didn’t quite understand exactly which was her role in the royal offices of Labrador.

She left me at the boarding door after wishing me luck.

The flight to Angeles was long. I shared a plane with 3 others selected, that seemed pretty decent at first sight. 

We had a polite introduction conversation before we took off, but then everyone focused on her own thing; Jen Li, -the Yale law student from Waverly- took advantage of the 8 hours flight to sleep. Alana Hansen looked out from the window almost the whole time lost in her thoughts, and based on the green tone on Regina Wright’s face I guessed she was a risky company for the moment. 

I remembered I had read about her parents' unfortunate plane accident in an old newspaper, they used to be famous politicians and she was an apple that had fallen close to the tree. Hopefully not too close.

So, considering my options I prefer to write in my journals during the whole trip.

As soon as we arrived we were hurried to a room for makeovers. For me it felt more like a day in the salon, nothing drastic was made, just a few lights on my hair, perfect makeup and a stunning blue dress with matching elegant pump heels shoes. 

They did insisted on giving me contact lenses, since I had forgotten to pack mine, so after a long argument with the stylist, Mariel, I decided to wear the contacts and let him enjoy “his creation”. 

In the end, despite the little changes, when he showed me my reflection in the mirror, I had to recognize I was content with the  upgraded version of me.

                                       ESSENTIAL RESEARCH

The tour around the palace was quite short considering its size. I was almost sure that it was bigger on the inside than it looked on the outside, but the curiosity to see my new room, made me settle with the basic information,

I took a glance down at the little map on my hand. Eloise Hall room 28, second floor. As I headed to the stairs, the decorations and fancy details surrounding me were impossible to ignore. With every step you could find paintings by famous old artists -my mother admired- hanging on the walls, expensive vases and beautiful furniture. 

Looking around I spotted one of the selected quickly scribbling some notes in a notebook. As I got closer I noticed she was my plane mate, Regina Wright. Her green tone had disappeared or maybe covered with makeup and she looked much more secure now that we were down here on earth soil. 

I laughed a little bit inside walking by her side “Hope whatever you are writing is worth a bump on your head.”  

“I hope so too” She said absentmindedly, not looking up from her notebook. After some seconds she took a short look at me, flipped through her notebook and quickly closed it before I could react and lean discreetly to read what she was working on. 

Okay, now I’m curious.

“Excuse me, hi. Leana is it?” She gave me a polite smile. 

“Yes, feeling better... Regina..? I asked faking ignorance. 

She looked at me as she didn’t know why I was asking her that but then just answered, “Splendid. But please, call me Reggie.”

We continue walking up the stairs towards the second floor, while we shook hands, 

“I'm Leana Grant but you can call me Lea or Lee” I said touching the arc of my glasses I had put back on as soon as I left the makeover room.

She nodded. “Alright, Lea. Journalist, correct?” She made her pen click as if she was going to start writing again. I frowned, puzzled. “You too?” 

She chuckled at the question as if I should already know who she was. And the truth was, I did. 

“No,” she finally said, opening her notebook again, adding something, then she continued. “So, what brings you here?”

I was sure Reggie had many qualities but subtlety wasn’t one of them. 

I pressed my lips together, thinking about my motives, which one of them should I tell her? I’m here as an inside informant for The Globe; or, I’m here to live and learn about this whole selection phenomenon… I didn’t even know which one was the right answer.  “... just figured I couldn't miss this whole thing, you know.” 

Half- truths are always safe.  

“Are you here for politics?” I added before she could even think about my answer. 

She looked pleasantly surprised by my question, clearing her throat. “Yes, that is one of the reasons.” She narrowed her eyes at me. “You did your research.” 

I guess it was my turn to feel recognized, but unlike her I didn’t want to be so obvious, so I shrugged. “Your name rang a bell.” 

She looked at me suspiciously, lifting her chin, a slight movement I didn’t quite understand. “Is that so? That's good, I suppose. Best to be prepared.”

“Maybe you are right, I guess you actually did your research. What do you have about me?” I asked directly now, pointing at her notebook casually.

She remained serious. “Oh, just the usual. Occupation, caste, age.  Name, obviously.  There's 35 of us after all. Would be a shame to get anyone mixed up.”

“Well, now most of us are threes and the twos are pretty well known.”

“Yes well, obviously. Was to be expected. It's still an appropriate mix.”

Her statement made me remember her parents somehow, obviously she had their school but I wonder how much she agreed with them. “That’s... a word to describe it, yes.” I answered incredulous, “So where are you staying?” I asked, as I noticed I have already found my room.

We discovered we were room neighbors which I decided was very convenient for me. I liked people who have answers to my questions. 

She was concerned about my acoustic guitar hobby and I assured her I hadn’t brought mine with me. “The music room will do.”  And she assured me her studying was going to be silent. 

The conversation continued but my curiosity was already unbearable, so I opened the door of my room to check it out. I didn’t want to be rude so I invited Reggie inside as we talked.

“What are you working on?” I stepped inside

She followed. “Political Science Major.”

I gave her a glance to let her know that was not the answer I was looking for. 

She blinked with realization. “Oh, I see I misunderstood. Well, actually I was just writing a paper on the pros and cons of capitalism and if our country should focus more on it like we did when we were still called the 'United States'” She air quoted the name.

I looked around my room considering her answer. Suddenly my eyes met with three maids standing in line in the middle of the room. When they saw us they made a courtesy and I nodded at them as a greeting, hoping we can have proper introductions later.

“Hmm the lesser of evils... but the United States not exactly an example to be followed.” I said to Reggie. 

“Exactly.” She said. I noticed her writing a mark in her notebook.  

“A-are you like grading me?” I dared to ask what I had suspected since the beginning, but I didn’t want to believe. It was shocking at first but after the third mark it became amusing.

“Who else do you have in there?” I asked curiously before running next to her to peek at her notebook.  She closed it again. When I looked at her she smiled at me awkwardly “No, of course not. Just remembered something.” Her notebook was behind her back, now out of my reach. She straightened her shoulders before adding, “Well, thank you kindly for your invitation, glad to have met you…”

I stayed there confused, Had I gotten it wrong? Or was I right and she didn’t want me to know? Anyway, I should have said nothing.  “Alright ... glad to meet you too, see you around.” I said worried that she might be uncomfortable now. 

She nodded as she headed to the door. One of the maids hurried to hold the door for her. 

I frowned concerned, I couldn’t just lose a source like her. “Wait for me tomorrow, I think we can walk to the dining room together.”

She turned to give me a frown, seemingly confused by my suggestion. “But I already know where it-” then she smiled. “I will.”

As soon as Reggie left I took out the journal from the pocket of my dress and tossed on the pretty desk by a large window where I peered at the view of the Angeles city.

                                                                                       FOR THE RECORD.

After introductions my maids brought me dinner up to my room. So while I was eating the best creamy mustard chicken I ever had, we had a little chat. 

Among other things we talked about I expressed my surprise when I didn’t see any Royals when we arrived. Liberty, Camila and confirmed the Schreaves didn’t plan to meet any selected tonight, we would have to wait until morning. Queen Anjeli and Princess Ayesha had to leave the palace to attend important matters and Wylan Caldwell in spite of not being a selected was currently living in the Palace. Back in Labrador, I managed between college, work and extra work to fill my schedule, my mother never liked me being out of the house so late at night or sometimes not being able to have a complete breakfast in the morning, I enjoyed being busy and drive my Vespa from one place to another, but it was hard for me to admit that one of the reasons I liked my life that way was that besides when I was concentrated writing notes on my iTypewriter; I was not good at being alone with my thoughts. That’s why when I was a child my mother bought me a ukulele to play when I was feeling anxious, which gave excellent results. Later when I entered college I took a short guitar course with the same purpose. 

Therefore, later that afternoon, when my maids went back to their chores, leaving me alone I decided to leave my room to check out the music room, as I promised Reggie I would do. 

It took me some minutes to find the right door downstairs but my memory had never failed me and it wasn’t going to start now. 

I opened the third door in the west hall and peeked inside. I felt relieved when I saw the big piano in the last corner and dared to walk inside. Besides the piano, there were several instruments resting on their stands spread around the room, most of them to play classical music, but luckily, an acoustic guitar was among them. I was going to pick it up to test it when I spotted shelves full of old vinyl records. 

I walked towards the vinyl record player, it had a beautiful vintage look, it’s big horn imitated the ancient gramophones used during the Victorian years, but I suspected to be a more recent model. 

I noticed someone had left a classic record on, I wonder which one of the Royals had been listening to it as I moved the tonearm onto the outer edge of the disk, the little diamond tip to touch the groove. 

I guess I still remember how to use one of this. 

I stretched my arm and pulled one of the discs from the upper shelf, the others came down with it and  << "KNEEE-KNEEE!!" >>

The blaring sound of violins vibrated around the room making me wince for the annoying sound filling my ears.

“Damn!” I covered my ears while trying to find a way to turn the bloody record player off before my head exploded. Overwhelmed by the sound I went on my knees and stretched my hand behind the furniture looking desperately for the plug, but before I could find any the music stopped. 

I stood up still touching my ears 

Have I gone deaf? 

“I take you didn’t mean to do that.” I heard someone say behind me. 

Okay, I haven’t 

I turned around to find a guy eyeing me warily, from the corner of my eye I noticed a laptop and a couple of heavy leather books that weren't on the table before. 

“I was considering turning it on but it made the decision for me,” I said without explaining. 

At that moment, a couple of guards came into the room alarmed. They scanned the room quickly before looking at us puzzled. 

Wylan followed my gaze and turned to them, slightly. “Just a mishap. We’re fine.” He acknowledged with a wave of his hand. I let out a sigh of relief as they left the room to return to their posts.

“First time using a record player?” He asked to continue teasing

I gave him a deadpan look. “Ha-ha I take that the last person who played it had some hearing problems.” Before I crouched to pick up the rest of the vinyl records still scattered on the carpeted floor, I noticed a smile tugging at his lips that didn’t last.

In a minute he was bending in front of me to help. “You picked some good ones.”

Suddenly we looked at each other for a second, I narrowed my eyes suspiciously at his for a second trying to figure any sign of sarcasm in them, and he just had the word “awkward” written all over his face. Obviously I was making him feel uncomfortable. 

I would have laughed if I hadn’t been so busy trying to read him. 

“I like classics- acoustic to be precise.” I finally said with a shrug. “Do you own any of these?”

“This John Mayer one is mine. I have some other ones too. They’re over there.” He gestured to the rack behind me, then stood up with the vinyls he helped pick up.

I raised my eyebrow and nodded approvingly. “You have some taste, I will give you that.” I looked up at him, waiting for him to offer his hand for me to help me stand, but apparently living in a castle was no guarantee of anything, so I just stood up slowly, brushing my dress. 

“Some were gifts I grew to love.” He acknowledged, holding the vinyls out for me. “I’d recommend keeping the volume down before you turn it on next time.”

I took the discs to put them back in its place on the shelves “Well, you should put a sign somewhere,” I joked, a bit annoyed by his recommendation. 

I adjusted my glasses and stayed standing there, admiring the vinyl records once more. My curious mind wondered about the Prince. “Which ones are Arin’s?”

“I’m not sure. He might not own any.” I caught him glancing at his things he had left on the table before back to me. “Might be a good question to ask him yourself.”

Or you’re just evading the question. But fortunately, one of the things my job had teached me was to have thick skin so I wasn’t going to let him get away so easily. 

“You really don’t know or you don’t want to tell me?” I asked with an amusing tone.

He let out a small sigh, relenting a bit. “He likes The Killers. There’s probably a vinyl or two of those in here if you really need a good conversation starter.”

I faked a grimace “ugh! that piece of information should’ve hurt…” I said mockingly before adding. “I guess some advice for tomorrow’s interview is completely out of the table.” 

“Depends on what advice you’re looking for,” he let out, surprising me. 

I started to walk around the room still looking at him, considering my answer. “I don’t know, you are his friend... knowing a little bit about his personality would help,” I said casually, as if I didn’t already have thousands of questions listed in my head. 

But somehow he knew I did. “I’ll answer one question you have. Just one.”

“So generous …” I said more to myself than to him. My hand went unconsciously inside the pocket on my dress and my fingers touched my journal inside of it, purely out of habit. Of course, I wasn’t going to take it out so I crossed my hands in front of me as I resumed my walking around the room. 

“Okay…” In my mind I was looking for a single question that could indirectly tell me things about Arins personality … and why not about Mr. Uncomfortable himself too. 

“How do you start getting along back in college, like how did you become friends?”

Suddenly he let out a laugh, startling me. I frowned at first, but then I decided it wasn’t so bad, it picked my curiousness further.

I looked at him genuinely amused and he begined, “We were both going for runs and without knowing, I drifted a little too close. I was listening to music and not paying attention. His bodyguard sort of…” He paused to bring his fist to his neck simulating a punch. “And took me down.” I could see he was amused, for real. 

I laughed picturing the scene on my mind, considering all his previous teasing and had to admit it was a little bit entertaining to do so. “Ouch! His bodyguard does look ... fierce.” I commented remembering the man’s complexion I had seen several times on TV.

I wait for him to continue before asking, “what happened next? What did Arin say?”

His smile was more like a ghost on his face now, not physically there but somehow still present. “He apologized. After that we found out we shared a couple classes together and I offered to help him study for exams.”

“That’s an epic story… I bet it left you marked for some days.” I made a grimace, touching my neck, imagining the pain.

“Swallowing hurt, to say the least,” he said, remembering. After a minute, he combed a hand through his hair. “ Did that satisfy your question?”

“Hmm yeah, it was good, for now” I answered scoffing a laugh. The truth was I didn’t expect to enjoy his story that much, but I just couldn’t settle with only one question, but it wasn’t convenient to push more questions on him now. 

Fortunately he didn’t refuse, he just rolled his eyes at me, amused. “Alright, well I have to get back to work. At least try to not deafen the entire palace again.”

“I can’t promise anything.” I let out, finally taking the acoustic guitar from its stand, while he turned to gather his things.

“Reassuring.” He gave me a side glance and started walking out the room, he offered a two fingered salute before disappearing behind the opened door. 

After a second, while looking down at the guitar already in place on my lap, I compelled,  “Wylan... thanks!”

“You're welcome.” 

I heard him say from the hallway just before I started strumming the guitar strings, hoping its sound was enough to help me survive the first night. 

[deadlyanddelicate]

was tagged by @deerlovelylily to answer these fic questions!! thank you mols 🥰

1. what’s your favourite genre to write?

hmm. because i mostly write short fics, i guess my favourite genre is character studies, if that can be considered a genre? i like to look inside a characters’s head and heart and see what’s going on in there. i do also love writing magic though, whether that means high fantasy stuff or urban fantasy à la trc. so yeah -- character and relationship studies with a side of magic thrown in!!

2. do you pull inspiration from real life, or do you pull things from other books/fanfiction you’ve read?

i would have to say both! real life, other fics, other media... i am a firm believer that the concept of Original Ideas™ is an illusion, nothing’s new under the sun et cetera. all you can do is put your own twist on the execution!

3. do you tend to write one-shots, short stories, or longer things?

one-shots/short stories, for sure. i’ve only ever completed one (1) multi-chapter fic that was about 60k words (that was for supernatural). in an ideal world where i don’t have to focus my writing brainpower on a university thesis and maybe even get that adhd support i’ve been trying to get referral for, i would like to write longer pieces!! but as it is now, i both feel too guilty to spend a lot of time writing and don’t have the brainpower to tackle a long project without losing steam or interest halfway through.

4. do you prefer to write description or dialogue?

it depends on the mood! i like a good mix of both. i think i’m more comfortable with description and introspection, but if i know the characters well, i enjoy writing banter for them.

5. favourite fic/book of all time?

ah i can’t pick a favourite fic!!! for two reasons -- 1) i am TERRIBLE at keeping track of titles/bookmarking fic on AO3 -- tell me a fic title and i will just blink at you, but describe the plot and i’ll be like ohhh yeahhh i remember reading that one a while ago it was so good; and 2) i am blessed to have SO MANY talented friends ( @harvardparrish​ @deerlovelylily​ @bleachersmp3​ @ravenqueen89​ @mishcollin​ @silkspectred just to name some -- i’m sure i forgot more -- but basically if we’re friends and you write fic, i’ve definitely swooned over it at one time or other!!!) that it’s too much of a sophie’s choice to pick something.

instead you get my favourite book, which is an obscure and strange volume by italian author cesare pavese: dialoghi con leucò. it’s not quite prose and not quite poetry and not quite theatre but somehow all of that at once -- it envisions dialogues between gods and goddesses and characters from classical mythology and i don’t know why but every one of them just gets me feeling Some Type Of Way. it just really speaks to me 💙

6. favourite trope?

i mean where do i even start. friends to lovers, rivals to lovers, slow burn, mutual pining, “oh no we have to share a bed”, no magic au, more magic au... all the classics :’) i have a complicated relationship with hurt/comfort bc sometimes i do like it but other times it just feels like misery porn for the sake of making one character angst about the other and i’m not really into that :/ 

7. are you the kind of person to work on more than one wip?

i’m the kind of person to toy with more than one idea, then ignore all of them for months, then suddenly write one in one go staying up till 3am, then go back to not writing and contemplating the other 4 ideas. the struggle... She Is Real. 

8. how long have you been writing fic for?

oh my God, i don’t even remember... i was definitely writing hp and lotr crack fic in middle school, and i remember that i didn’t discover it there, so it must have been before? maybe when i was like 10/11? i’ve always liked making up stories about characters i loved. first serious fic i wrote was probably when i was 13/14 (it wasn’t GOOD fic), first fic i ever posted... idk maybe 15/16? so yeah that’s a long time lol, at least a decade and a half

9. do you tend to write more during the morning, afternoon or evening?

ias i mentioned above, i usually get bitten by the writing bug in the late afternoon/evening and then just... keep going until the wee hours of the morning just because i know i might lose steam the following day so i gotta ride it out!!! as molly said... bursts of chaotic/creative energy lol

10. do you prefer to post and update your wip chapter by chapter, or do you prefer to wait until your wip is 100% finished before sharing it?

i don’t really write multi chapter fics, but the few times i’ve tried, i usually got impatient and posted chapter by chapter... and then lost steam/interest/energy, lol. the only multichapter fic i completed was the dean/cas big bang which i had to post all at once after it was finished, so i guess that would probably work better for me 😅

uhh i think everyone of my trc-writing friends has already been tagged, so i’m tagging @ravenqueen89 @silkspectred  and @mishcollin if they feel like it, and any of my fic writer followers who want to do this!! 💞

[daily-kagami-tsurugi]

I know that you are taking a mental break, but how long do you think it will be?

(Read after this ask, preferably.) Disclaimer: wacky english. TL;DR because it's ranty-ish, trying to gather my thoughts.

TL;DR: No longer a mental break, New college is just scary busy. Likely to not have a regular posting schedule like before, might post a doodle a week from today (ref. post date: start of 2nd week of June 2020) and/or 2 weeks later. Do not trust, too flaky. I’m no longer keeping up to date with Miraculous but my obsession of Kagami shall not waver. Been using my finger instead of a stylus because i broke it (again). My posting policy will cautiously follow the blog slogan, i.e. “ A Kagami a day keeps the stress away.”

I'm bad at respecting and adhering to promises i make for myself and honestly, super flaky in general. At this point it's no longer a mental break ( it's been abt half a year, oops.) , just never really got around to being able to want to post a doodle, much less that I'm satisfied with.

I don't want to post a doodle for the sake of keeping up with daily quota, rather than myself actually enjoying that little burst of fun and posting a doodle that i did without intention for attention. Because previously i got to a point where i posted daily for quota that ended up stressing me out to constantly meet while i wasn't in the healthiest of mental states while struggling to even get to studying for my national exams, which was kinda ironic considering my blog slogan i.e. " A Kagami a day keeps the stress away."

(Tiny life update: i managed to somehow end up in the last possible pre-college i could enroll in with my subpar results, got a bunch of Bs and 1 A of all my 9 subjects, it's real competitive here. And mAN, am i constantly ridden with work & revision rn .)

About a few weeks ago i got onto tumblr again and i was especially grateful for all the reblogs + the tags (yes, i do read those!), and had multiple notifications from this blog, every other day. Thanks for being supportive even though I've gone super inactive and left really bad doodles as the front face of the blog, i.e. day 116, 115, 113 , etc.,,,,, .

Got annoyed at the signature doodle "art style" of this blog at one point, improved on anatomy, ish. I’m not as often active on tumblr in general, anymore, but i’m more active on my instagram art account. Have been experiencing pain in the separate fo sections of my arms, including both hands, might be gripping the pen too tightly/ posture issues. Broke a new stylus, which still kinda works but the nib was irreplaceable with no pressure sensitivity, i use my fingers on the table screen no, quite used to it. Might invest in a new proper one with my own savings in the near future, manually thickening lines is time consuming.

I have lost feels for miraculous and still haven’t viewed most of S3. I’m likely not going to in the near future, so this blog will stay mostly spoiler-free. ( Unless It’s to do with kagami, but even so, I’m late to news.)

I’ve seen multiple Kagami fanarts that frankly is stylised much better than i did to my “style(s)”, they were all really good and I unintentionally obsessed too much over them, to become demotivated about posting my doodles. I want to but can’t be fully immune to envying other arts against my own, which just leads to the vicious cycle of downward spiraling of my confidence that i can improve.

To actually answer the question, how long more before i revive this blog per se, to bluntly put it, I don't know? I do have some wip doodles in reserve (which i don't think I will end up posting, because of that mixed feeling of ew × ugh.). Any original plan has been scrapped i guess, mostly because if I can't remember, then it was probably something i won't stick to and should probably come up with a better plan that I can more realistically follow.

However, if I were to come up with a solid time/date, if I have completed my revision for the next week (term exams ;v), i might post one doodle (though, I’d like if it was mq-hq for a comeback ygm). There’s a 50% chance of that happening. And then regardless, i might post another in the Fourth week of June 2020 (ref. date of this post: start of week 2 of June). I can’t be sure, like i said i’m flaky, probably might not have a regular post schedule like before, don’t take my word for this. Treat this like a fanfiction series, it updates unpredicatably and you probably forgot about it until it updated a follow up chapter to a cliff hanger 3 months to 10 years later. 

[echodrops]

The Promises I Made (2019 Edition)

For the past thirteen years, I’ve spent every New Year’s Eve compiling a list of fifty promises I intend to keep or fulfill over the next twelve months. The results have been truly amazing, and I have kept some promises I never thought I could. 2019 was… a nightmare that I can barely believe I survived, but I still kept some promises that I honestly did not expect I ever could.

This year, for New Year’s, there will be a new set of promises for to me keep, but here are the old ones, for review!

The Promises I Made (2019 Edition)

1) Be more proactive about tracking and following up with struggling students to decrease the number of students who drop from my class when they realize they cannot pass. Status: Somewhat broken? I tried really hard to be proactive with my students; however, there were some massive issues outside the classroom this year that made it extremely difficult to keep the focus on the students. When administration drags your attention away from the class, there is not a lot you can do…

2) Find a place to put in volunteer hours because uhhhh like this is actually important to my work evaluation and I definitely need something to write in that section… Yikes, this spring is my last chance to do this!! @_@ Status: Kept. I volunteered with the Utah Shakespeare Festival and it was super fun!

3) Install the fire escape window in the Utah house, no matter how much it might cost, because I can’t get a totally unrelated tenant in that basement without said window… Status: Somewhat kept. Okay. This one is a LONG story, but to be fair to me, I worked my ASS off to try and make this happen; just every single thing in the world prevented me from completing this promise, up to and including the city telling me I needed a permit AFTER I had already dug a massive hole in the ground for the window…

4) Buy sod to add grass to the front portion of the lawn so that it no longer looks like garbage. Status: Broken, but I did buy grass seed and put that out there. Unfortunately only some of it sprouted, but there is indeed SOME grass now growing there…

5) Fix the bricks near the windowsills on the Utah house to prevent long-term damage. Status: Broken. After dealing with the stupid window disaster, I had no time for this at all.

6) Get a watering system for my roses at the Utah house because I think my bro is probably killing them and that’s just not cool. Status: Broken, see above.

7) Work on the patio at the Utah house before it just flat out falls down. Status: Somewhat broken. Again, I tried to make progress on this—I called a patio guy to come out and assess how much it would cost to fix the patio—but the price I was quoted was so high that there was nothing I could do at the time.

8) Paint the stairwell so that there’s no chance of anything like lead paint or asbestos being exposed. Status: Broken. The leftover wallpaper glue continues to confound me…

9) Trim the backyard bushes so the neighbors don’t hate us anymore… Status: Broken. We trimmed a few bushes and at least got to the trees out front, but definitely a majority were left uncared for.

10) Move into a new house in Texas where I can get real internet, please for the love of god… Status: Kept. I moved into a very nice house with no scorpions!

11) Save money for my upcoming trip to Japan! 2020 baby! Status: Uhhh, broken. I’m not sure how I thought I’d be able to move into a new house AND save money for an international trip at the same time…

12) Get my wisdom tooth removed because it’s still there and still killing me, yikessss. Status: Broken. AUGH. I’m an idiot.

13) Make an appointment with an eye doctor for like the first time in years. Good job, Yehn, good job. Status: Kept. I got my glasses fixed and even got a new pair of glasses too!

14) Get my prescriptions refilled because I’m dwindling on asthma medicine and like… I could die from this… I should never have been left to care for myself; I’m not mature enough for this responsibility… Status: Kept, surprisingly. But I still need a new doctor because the last one I was going to wouldn’t give me any refills…

15) FINISH THE GIVEAWAY PRIZES I PROMISED LAST YEAR because holy shit I am incompetent and the worst and everyone has permission to hate me for starting things and never finishing them, fuck. Status: Broken. So broken. I am the worst.

16) Go dolphin watching in the Gulf for real this time. Seriously, it’s $10 Yehn, you can do this. Status: Kept, amazingly. It wasn’t as impressed as hoped; however, there was a lovely sunset.

17) Return to the Channel Islands to take better pictures. D; Status: Broken. T_T

18) Level all my classes to 70 in FFXIV before next expansion, please. Status: Somewhat broken. I didn’t have everything to 70 before the expansion, but I kind of feel like I should get credit for this one, because HEY, look at me now:

19) Organize and properly label all the photos on my computer so that I’m no longer desperately combing through folder and folder in blank confusion, looking for a single picture in a sea of thousands… Status: Kept. It took me like eight hours of work, but I actually did this.

20) Update Home and a Half more than once? PLEASE??? The guilt I feel over this currently is crushing. Status: Broken. And the guilt grows…

21) Complete the online American Literature class I am designing on time and with no corrections needed. Status: Kept. I’m counting this as kept even though TECHNICALLY there was one thing I forgot to finish and it came back and bit me in the ass; however, I was approved with no corrections needed.

22) Earn 100% completion for Kingdom Hearts III. So excited! Status: Broken. Um… This just didn’t happen.

23) Update my calendar with important dates—holidays, birthdays, etc.—and be productive about sending cards and well-wishes. Status: Somewhat kept. I wasn’t any better about sending cards really, but I did at least save all the birthdays in my phone so I remember them.

24) Get the garbage disposal in the Texas house fixed ASAP so I don’t have to wash the dishes by hand anymore because I absolutely hate that particular chore. Status: Kept. Then I moved, so it didn’t even matter.

25) Finish all the books my coworkers and friends bought for me recently so I can thank them for their recommendations! Status: Broken. So broken.

26) Actually move into my new place instead of leaving it completely undecorated and lifeless. Status: Remarkably, kept. Nothing has plastic on it, unlike at my old house where the nightstand didn’t get unwrapped even after two years of living there lol.

27) Try hard to get Creative Writing into a different area of the general ed. core so that more people will enroll in it. Status: Kept. I’m counting this because I did my darn best, but we are still waiting on the state to tell us whether or not the class will be accepted.

28) Get caught up on my Ebird reports, even the old, old, old ones I never put in because I was slacking. Status: Kept, actually. Whoo.

29) Throw away/return/sort all the stacks of old mail in the house (OMGGGG they’ve made me look like paper hoarder and I’m nootttt). Status: Broken. There’s just… a lot of papers to go through…

30) Clean up the garage before moving so that I don’t have to fight spiders to move when the time comes. Status: Broken, in that I did not clean up the garage in advance and did, in fact, have to fight spiders when it came time to move.

31) Find a way to boost grading productivity so that each class takes only two days to grade, maximum. Status: Somewhat kept. I was definitely better this year than last year; however, I really think the “two days per class” thing was too optimistic, so for the future semester, I allotted myself three days per class and I think it will work better.

32) Go to a totally new restaurant and try their food. Status: Kept. We went to a Mexican restaurant and I had trompo tacos (al pastor) which is probably not anything special to anyone else but it was my first time so lol.

33) Cancel old credit cards to make sure my credit is good before trying to buy a house (although I just checked my credit score and I’m in the great range already, so this is mostly for posterity’s sake). Status: Broken. But it didn’t affect my loan, so I guess it was okay. And it ended up being good I didn’t cancel my Best Buy card because I was able to get good financing on the new appliances I needed for my house.

34) Get official contracts from my tenants so I can use my rental income in my next loan calculation. Status: Broken, but I ended up not using that as part of the loan calculation anyway >_> so…

35) Talk to an HR rep about my retirement savings so that I can consolidate all my retirement accounts into one. (Man, look at all these ADULTING promises.) Status: Broken. Look at me failing all these adulting promises.

36) Really finish decorating my office so it looks super cute and all my students want to visit me. Status: Broken, but I think it sucks that I have to write this because it was really not my fault I couldn’t finish decorating my office. Our offices were all moved and disrupted by building remodels so I spent the entire year basically working out of a couple cardboard boxes.

37) Not sign up for ANY more new responsibilities at work in the spring semester. This is the biggest challenge. D; Status: Kept, by technicality. I was able to avoid signing up for anything new in SPRING… But fall… was a whole other story. XD

38) Migrate all the rest of my books to the new Texas house instead of leaving them in Utah… SOMEHOW. Status: Kept. I’m going to count this as kept. The only books left at the Utah house are my manga—I managed to bring literally every other book, which is very impressive considering I had only my small Camaro with its tiny truck space.

39) Use my twitter account more often to make it worth following. I will try!! Status: Kept… sorta? I mean, since I didn’t use the account AT ALL before, making even one Twitter post kind of counts as using it more, right? >_>

40) Keep my hair cut nicely so I look less like a mess (than I really am). Status: Somewhat broken. Although I think I got my hair cut more often this year than before, I don’t think I looked any less like a mess. XD

41) Successfully find a bridesmaid dress for my friend’s wedding that matches the rest of the wedding party. Status: Actually kept! It was incredible. The wedding I was in was even featured in a magazine because of how pretty it was!

42) Make sure my skin is in good condition for the wedding so I don’t look like a disturbing ghost… Status: Kept? I mean, in the end, looking like a ghost ended up being the whole point since it was a Halloween themed wedding so I kind of won either way.

43) Complete my BNHA manga collection. Since my bro bought me a bunch of the volumes for Christmas, I might as well. Status: Broken… I bought like… one volume. XD

44) See a groove-billed ani. (It’s another type of bird.) Status: Broken. Very illusive bird. T_T

45) Respond to messages, asks, and comments more quickly. I promise I’m not ignoring people… D; Status: Um, broken. I left many people on read this year, sorry.

46) Lose ten pounds so that I feel more fit and comfy. Status: Broken. I didn’t exercise at all this year, uff.

47) Pay down credit card debt by at least 1/3. Yikesssss, I really need to do this quick. Status: Broken. It’s hard to pay down a credit card when you pour all your money into buying a new house…

48) I will finally fucking finish that chapter 73 analysis of Noragami… I swear to god… Status: Broken. Uh yeah. This didn’t happen. V_V

49) Reach 1700 followers on Tumblr. You should follow me—I’m only marginally a waste of time and space! Status: Kept. Over 2500 followers now!

50) I will keep these promises. LOLLLLL. Status: Somewhat kept/somewhat broken. One year I really will keep them all…

 Totals Kept promises: 18 Broken promises: 24 Somewhat kept/broken promises: 8

Well, there are more kept promises than last year at least… It was another really hard year, what with moving in the middle of the year, over-working, dealing with so much drama with the reaccreditation on our campus, and just EVERYTHING all at once this last year… I keep thinking things are going to calm down and then they never do. Please 2020… just let me rest…

My new set of promises will be up on the 1st!

[tumblunni]

HI EVERY BODY AAAA

Gonna try and make a quick half weekly update maybe probably! Sorry that i've only been emailing a few people so far, i have to wait a week to get a library card so i can use the library email service. So i've just been running around trying to catch wild wifi wherever it may be, and then kinda failing so i used up some of my mobile data. And i need to ration that throughout the month so i was gonna try sending only weekly emails but then some people sent me emails so i had to reply and then i was like OH NO i am neglecting the everyone else AAAAA

So umm anyway im on mobile data right now and i cant really browse the tumbl cos images and stuff really burn it up. But i can make this one post!! Yay!! Aaa!!

Umm okay maybe i'll make a second post with Big Rambling About What's Happen, for now i kinda need to make a Dumb Ask For Money Time.

I feel so damn guilty cos i havent even finished paying back the 20 bucks some friends leant me two weeks ago for groceries, cos there was all the stress of moving and i just COMPLETELY FORGOT until it was too late and im already here aaaa! And then i was stupid yesterday and i gave all my money to a homeless guy out in the rain. Like i know i should be calling myself stupid cos it was reckless and i didnt think about taking care of myself also, but like i dont think it was stupid cos that guy needed it more than i did. He actually gave me a hug! I felt so bad, like man nobody must have been donating to him if he got so emotional over just that much! I wished i could have given more!! He was stuck in RAIN nobody was helping him in the RAIN what the hell sort of monsters are they?! It was like the windiest rainstorm all year so far! Shop displays were flying out the doors and people were getting beaned in the head with acorns and stuff! This dude had nothing to his name except a lil not very waterproof looking sleeping bag!! It was hard enough to stay out of the rain just as a regular shopping person, imagine how hard it must be to try and find a place to sleep rough when there's all stupid cops chasing you away from anywhere visible because 'blah blah blah tourism we have the army recruitment rally today'. BOOO! there was a goddamn actual tank up at a historic monument of pre-britain celtic civilization and im just like wow fuck you how dare you market this to literal schoolchildren on a summer trip. Anyway i'm going offtopic, what's really important is the SECOND homeless person that i didnt have enough money to help because i gave it all to the first guy. He was an elderly veteran with a missing arm! SO MANY PEOPLE STUCK OUT IN THE DAMN RAIN INCLUDING FORMER SOLDIERS, GOD FUCK U SO MUCH ARMY. Umm anyway so yeah "bunni it is reckless to throw all your money at a stranger and keep none for grocery" NO it is reckless because what if you find another stranger who EVEN MORE needs it more than i do!!!!

Anyway i've been rambling a lot but i just thought that wtf it probably sounds fake to say 'oh i gave all my money to someone in trouble' that sounds like im boasting about my humbleness somehow. So yeah there's a Detailed Ramble that hopefully proves it i guess?? But yeah i have no money now until the 28th. Whoops. Luckily i dont need as much money while im here at the mental hospital cos i eat most meals at the shared kitchen and you have a 4 bucks a week allowance to buy additional supplies. They said i can get the juice i like, cos im stupidly picky and struggle taking my pills with plain water. And i have a bus pass now! A surprise benefit of being hospital'd! The picture on it looks TERRIBLE, i wish i could show you guys! And of course i dont have to pay gas bills here. So all the biggest money pains are gone! But then i've been signed up for two classes each week that are like two towns away and really early in the morning with me probably only getting back at 2pm cos of the travel time. And i wont have free food there, im not allowed to take anything out of the shared kitchen even if its a lunchbox or somethin. So i kinda just need some spare money so i can grab a sandwich or something in the supermarket along the way. And of course there's the fact its just damn hard to kill your boredom in a place like this, so aaa i wish i could buy some cheap books from the thrift store or something. And then there's the biggest ludicrous temptation of there being a BUILD A BEAR WORKSHOP NEAR THE HOSPITAL!! AAAAAAAA!! With the new pokemon collection!! Alola vulpix!! I'm not gonna ask for donations for that, obviously, but i just wanted to tell you cos its AWESOME and its frustrating i have to go past it on this bus route. My goal is to get you by the end of the month, lil snowy friend!!!

SO YEAH SORRY IM GETTING OFFTOPIC HERE I JUST WANNA TELL YOU ABOUT EEEEEVERYTHINGGGGG

Short version: I don't really have a specific amount i'm asking for, im just gonna keep this paypal pool open for the first month and like if you can spare any change it would really help! The help bunni get adjusted to new and terrifying live in hospital strangeness fund! Because bunni was an idiot and gave away all their money on the first damn day! Gahhh!! Okay so seriously if you have anything to spare and ONLY if you have it to spare, i would really appreciate your help. Even if its just 1 dollar/pound/other local currency of which you own! I will hug you greatly!! And if you wanna be added to the weekly email updates list then my email is pineapplegrenade@rocketmail.com and i would super apprecoate keeping in touch! And if anyone wants to be pokemon go friends i will try and send you gifts everyday!! I need 3 more friends for a quest milestone lol.

OKAY IM TALKING TOO MUCH AAA

For to help the bunn, go the here! And umm lol if you want to signal boost then feel free to just take that link and make your own post thats way damn shorter than this nonsense, lol. I JUST MISS YOU ALL SO MUCHHHH

[schizophelia]

August 7th, 2018: Social Work Appointment: Journal/Update

Today I met with my social worker at psych services for the last time. Since I am going to school in the city, I won't be able to keep appointments at psych services. Not only that, the social worker is going to be working at the hospital psych ward full time in September and the psychiatric nurse that was on maternity leave is coming back to resume her original place.

So my social worker and I talked about how I've been doing over the past couple of weeks since I saw her last. Surprisingly enough, I've been doing fairly well over the last few days. The voices are gone but I still see things on occasion. But it's not as bad. Also, my anxiety has gone down a lot. So I'm thankful.

My social worker and I also talked about school and if that plan was still standing. I said it was. I do still plan to attend university in September. She asked me how I felt about it (I said I was anxious). She said anxiety is common. I was asked if I had everything for school and I told her I had most of it from the previous years I had planned to go to school and never did. I explained my living arrangements and such to her and she said it might be a good idea to contact my townhouse mates. My social worker said my doctor sent a referral for me to see a psychiatrist at the university a while ago but I haven't heard anything back so I have to call or email the university soon so I can see if they received it or not. My social worker said she was proud of me for pushing through the challenges I have faced over the past few months. She said she was worried for me a few months ago because I was really unwell then. She said I was going through a lot of medication issues and such and she's glad I am doing better (for) now. She said I would make a good contribution to the psychology field because of my lived experiences. She wished me the best and said if I ever need to talk to her I could call her extension at the hospital. She said she was closing my file at psych services but I could make a referral again if I needed to. Although she said there's a waiting list into the new year for services. That's okay because I will be in the city anyway.

I'm still having problems with energy, motivation, completing tasks, lethargy, etc. Also my concentration and focus is so poor. No joke. I can't pay attention to anything. I hope school goes okay with these problems.

I've been really bad at keeping in touch with my friends. I hardly talk to my best friends. I was invited to Char's 23rd Birthday party this past Saturday but I didn't go. I went to see my Tante Hulda 3 hours away. She is my 93 year old great aunt. She is one of my favourite people ever. My parents and I visited her because she is old and we don't know how long she'll live. She's so prone to fractures and falls even though she's healthy otherwise. During our visit there we also got to see Art. Art is related to my Tante Hulda somehow but I forgot how. Anyway, the 5 of us went out to lunch. It was nice. I haven't seen Art in years. My Onkel Hans died a few years ago and my Tante Hulda was taking about him and the war. It was sad because it looked like she was going to cry several times. Talking about him is really hard for her. Even talking about my Opa is hard too. She loved them both so much. Unfortunately cancer claimed both their lives. I remember attending mass in half German and half English. It was interesting. I learned that my Tante Hulda can speak at least 3 languages: Russian, German, and English. I thought that was cool.

I'm a little worried about tomorrow because my dad goes to see the doctor tomorrow regarding the MRI results he had for the lump on his back shoulder. Tomorrow we find out if it's cancer or if it's a fat lump like my family doctor thinks. The specialist doctor he saw ordered an MRI to see what they were dealing with. The reason why they're doing this is because my dad had cancer before. He was cancer free over a year ago and October 5th of this year is his next appointment at the cancer clinic. They make appointments every year for a few years to make sure it hasn't come back. But when my dad saw the specialist doctor about the lump, the doctor said the lump had grown since my dad's ultrasound on it a couple months ago. He's having a lot of pain on his neck and stuff so we think the lump is pushing on things. But I'm not a doctor so I can't say for sure. If it is cancer, they will have to do radiation again likely and then surgery. I hope it isn't cancer.

It's been so damn hot lately. I feel like my face is sweating off whenever I get outside. I'm significantly darker than I was a few months ago. It's really muggy and gross outside. Even the dogs can't handle it. We only let them outside for about 10-20 minutes at a time. Abby doesn't have it as bad as Lika because Lika is a black lab and absorbs the sun. Abby is a yellow lab so it doesn't bother her as much.

I've been sleeping really well lately. My sleep used to be 3-6 hours and now with the Seroquel XR it's 7-11 hours. And I actually feel rested when I wake up. It's great. My doctor didn't increase my dose of it so I am still on 200mg. I also still take the 120mg of Fetzima for my mood. So far it's still working. I've been feeling pretty good lately.

Also, this is kind of random but my Spotify Discover Weekly playlist is spot-on this week. I've favourited almost all the songs they suggested. It's so nice to hear New music that is half decent.

I didn't post this but I got sorted into residence for university. I didn't get the one I wanted but it's okay because I get my own room and share a furnished townhouse unit with two other girls. It has a kitchen so I don't need a meal plan. I just need to buy groceries. My tuition is completely paid for this semester due to my scholarship and bursary. So all I have to pay for is residence and the mandatory fees for undergraduates. The university splits the bursary and scholarship in half so I receive an equal amount per semester because all payments are on a semester basis. I pay half of my residence this semester (fall) and the other half in the winter semester. I really should email my townhouse mates to introduce myself. Meh. Another day.

I see my psychiatrist for the last time on August 24th and then I see the periodontist August 29th. And then I move into university residence on September 1st, classes start on the 6th. I hope it goes okay.

Holy shit. This is a long post but I've had so much to say. Anyway, I think that's all I had to say.

Meds:

Fetzima 120mg

Seroquel XR 200mg

[whispersandwhiskerburn]

The Fool (Pt. 1)

Summary: Sam’s in the cage leaving his brother to try to find a normal life with Lisa, and his girlfriend (Y/N) to try and figure out how to cope with his loss. You never knew it, but Dean had been in love with you too... and now is when you find out. Characters: Dean Winchesters, Lisa Braeden, Samifer, and Reader. Mentioned: Sam Winchester, Ben Braeden. Word Count: 2,110 Warnings: Oh this mini-series is going to have so much angst. I’m so sorry everyone. This part is SFW though. Also...smallish cliffhanger? Author’s Note: This fic has been so long in the making, I’m sure most everyone will have forgotten that I originally teased in back in January of 2017, when I re-heard Lee Ann Womack’s “The Fool” and this fic idea plopped into my brain. Go listen. It’s beautiful, and I stole almost every line of the lyrics in this fic (they’re italicized). The one person I know for sure who has not forgotten this idea is my dear friend Jessie, @plaidstiel-wormstache, who has been enthusiastically persuading me to type it since the first tease. Yesterday was her birthday, and me finally putting out the first part of what will most likely be a 3 part (or more) series, is her belated birthday present. Love you, Jessie! I hope this lives up to your expectations. THE FOOL MASTERLIST

Bobby’s neck was snapped. Castiel—he was in fragments everywhere. Y/N had been thrown across the graveyard, her head colliding with a gravestone.

And all by the archangel wearing his baby brother.

The same archangel that had him pinned against the Impala, punching him again and again.

“Sammy, it’s okay. It’s okay, I’m here. I’m here. I’m not gonna leave you.”

It was all Dean could think of to get through to Sammy. To distract him from the fact that everyone else that he loved was dead.

He could only focus on Sam, on trying to get him back. Just for a moment. Just long enough to save what was left of the world.

“I’m not gonna leave you!”

And then there was a moment. An impossibly long moment where Sam—Lucifer, stopped. Just stopped, staring behind Dean.

And he knew. Even before Sam started talking again, that his brother was back.

Dean knew before he put the ring on, before he said the incantation, before Michael showed up to challenge him.

Before he took one last look at the crumpled figure of his girlfriend, Y/N, and spread his arms, Dean knew and finally accepted that his brother was going to go into the Cage to save the world.

And then he was gone.

And Dean was left there, surrounded by the bodies. He was bloodied and broken in the worst way over the spot where Sam had disappeared, helpless and lost.

Cass came back. He saved Bobby and Y/N. They three of them helped him get up, clean up.

Cass went back to heaven. Bobby went home, said he had to call a lot of hunters and give them updates. Y/N stayed with him for a while, numb. Dean tried to comfort her, but she was… empty. Without Sam, without even a hope for Sam, Dean hardly recognized the woman for whom he’d carried a secret torch ever since his brother had introduced them. When he tried to reach out, she retreated.

So, he did the same. He left, went to lick his wounds by moving in with Lisa and Ben. Like Sam had asked him to.

He left hunting, tried for the apple-pie-life.

But he never forgot his brother. Or Y/N.

“Hello?”

“Dean? Is that you?”

“Y/N.” There was no question in Dean’s voice. He would know Y/N’s voice saying his name even if he lived to be a hundred. Certainly two months without hearing from her wasn’t enough to wipe away that memory.

But it was enough to make him miss her to the point that it felt like an extra ache in his chest. Not as vital as the one Sammy’s absence created, but sharper somehow.

“I—I know I avoided your calls, Dean. I needed time to…to try and adjust. And I’m sorry. I know you were going through…” she cut off, realizing that what she was about to say would be mentioning the place where Sam was. Which was exactly what they were both trying so hard not to think about.

“Anyway, I wanted to talk to you. It’s been two months almost since Lawrence, and I…. Are you okay?”

Her voice trailed off and Dean realized how awkward this must be for her. And as much as hearing her reminded him of what might have been, and what was when Sam was here, he was glad she had called.

“I’m… doing about as well as can be expected. You?”

There was a brief silence.

“It’s been rough, but I’m starting to manage it. I called Bobby, looking for you. He gave me this number, said you had gotten out of the life?”

Dean nodded, glancing towards the entrance to the house. He was in the garage, one of his favorite places to retreat to when the walls started closing in.

“Yeah….” He swallowed, “I made a promise. I’m with Lisa and Ben now. We’re in Cicero, Indiana.”

There was a silence again through the cell phone line, long enough that Dean took it away from his ear to check to see if the call had been disconnected. When he brought it back, she was talking.

“—about a day and half away. Would you mind if I came to visit?”

That familiar ache stabbed at Dean again before he shrugged it off.

“Yeah, Y/N, that’d be good. Our sitter is sick, so I have to be here to meet Ben’s bus after school and stay with him until Lisa gets home around six. If you get here before then, check into a hotel or something, and we’ll go grab a bite to eat around seven. Sound good?”

“Sound’s perfect. See you soon, Dean.”

And there it was again. Y/N saying his name.

She and Sam had never known about Dean’s feelings. They had already been smitten with each other, and such an obvious match, so when Dean had met her  he had hidden his fascination. She was beautiful and funny, kind and strong—everything he had ever wanted in a woman. He was happy for Sam, but he was also secretly jealous of him.

And every time Y/N and he were alone, or when she would say his name, a part of him felt a longing for something that he knew he could never have.

Because she was Sam’s girl.

Dean tried to block those thoughts as he headed into the house. It was supper time with Lisa and Ben, the amazing family who had taken him in, had patched him together. He’d need to tell them Y/N was coming and what plans he’d made, but he’d have to do it right.

They deserved better than him mooning over an old forbidden crush.

You looked up, startled when the door buzzer sounded. It was way too early for Dean to be here—you’d only just checked in to the hotel 20 minutes ago.

Dammit, you had been looking forward to taking a nice bath.

Instead, you grabbed your pistol and went up to the peep hole in the door, “who is it?”

When you looked through the door, you saw a beautiful brunette woman, standing back from the door with both her hands visible and a strained smile on her face.

“Not a monster, I swear, Y/N.”

She knew your name? And apparently that you were a hunter.

You had no idea who she was though.

“That’s not what I asked, lady.”

You clearly saw the woman roll her eyes, then bend down out of sight of the fish-eye lens. You tensed, ready to dive to the side if necessary, when she reappeared holding a six pack of beer.

“If you’ve got a minute, I’ll buy you a drink. I’ve got something to say.”

Well, whoever she was, you had to give her credit for courage. What the hell. You couldn’t shoot her, and sending her away would drive you nuts.

You unlocked the door and pulled it open, keeping your gun visible, but not pointing at her. “Hey, if you’re bringing drinks, I guess we can talk for a little bit.”

The stranger flashed that same strained smile at you, then brushed past you to set the beers on the little table. You shut the door and watched as she stood there awkwardly shifting from foot to foot.

No way was this woman a danger to you. You tucked your gun in your waistband, hoping that would help her relax a bit.

“You don’t know me, but I know who you are… mind if I sit down?” You gestured for her to do so, then pulled the other chair out for yourself.

You helped yourself to a beer and tried to appear non-threatening. The lady’s body language was stressed and anxious, and you were curious enough to want her to keep talking at this point.

“I know you’ve probably heard my name, though we’ve not been introduced. I’m Lisa.”

You stopped drinking and put the beer down. Dean’s Lisa? His apple-pie-life match? Sam had told you about her, how Dean had always had a thing for her, and her kid—how Sam wanted him to try to have a life with the two of them after….

“I’m the fool in love with the fool, who’s still in love with you.”

What?

She took a long look at your blank expression then grabbed a beer of her own and popped the cap off of it. You tried to process what she was talking about.

Tried and failed.

“I don’t understand.”

Lisa took a swig, looked up for a minute like she was trying to find the words, or courage, to continue.

“It might sound crazy, but last night in his sleep,… I heard him call out your name.”

She looked so heartbroken at the idea that Dean was in love with you. An idea that was so strange and stupid you couldn’t even say it out loud.

“Lisa, it was probably just a nightmare. We hunted together for a long time—that tends to show up when we sleep….”

She was shaking her head now, “this ain’t the first time, he’s done it before. And I’ve seen him during and after his nightmares. The nights when he calls for you…it’s different. And it’s hard to face the truth….”

She took another swig of her beer, half emptying it before speaking again, this time more to herself than to you, “I’m the fool in love with the fool, who’s still in love with you.”

She seemed… sad, but there was more than that. She was resigned. Lisa looked like she had come to terms with this idea that Dean, the man she loved, was in love with you.

Which was just utterly and completely ridiculous.

Wasn’t it?

A small whisper of doubt echoed in your subconscious… Dean had flirted with you when you and Sam were together, but he flirted with every girl. You had caught him staring at you a few times, but still….

You drained the rest of your beer.

Your movement seemed to wake Lisa out of her thoughts and she leaned forward, cradling her bottle.

“I know love is a fragile thing, and God, I love that man. He’s broken, and sometimes it’s hard, but there’s a goodness inside him… and the way he is with Ben?” She smiled, and you were jealous for a moment, remembering the dreams you had once nurtured for a life with Sam.

She sobered quickly though, “we’ve got a good thing going, and I’m trying hard to make it last. But it ain’t easy holding on to my dream, when he’s holding on to the past, to hunting, to Sam, and... to you.”

“Lisa, I swear—Dean and I never—”

She nodded, smiling. “I know.”

How was she not angry? If she really believed you were a threat to her relationship…. You would have been clawing the eyes out of anyone who threatened what you and Sam had had. You remembered how you used to be jealous of the idea of Jessica--and she had been dead long before you ever met Sam!

“It’s obvious on your face that you had no clue about how Dean felt, how he still feels. I thought you might not know from the way Dean talked. But I didn’t know how long you were planning to be in town, and I thought you should know.”

She finished her beer and placed it beside your empty bottle. “Just one more thing before I go; I’m not here to put you down. You don’t love him, and that’s a fact. I know how you felt about Sam, and I’m so sorry for what happened to you. But you hold Dean’s heart in the palm of your hand, and it’s breaking mine in two.”

She stood up and you tilted your head back to look at her eyes, which seemed to be tearing up for the first time in this conversation, Lisa having lost her composure at the last confession.

She licked her lips and tried to smile once again, but couldn’t quite manage it before shrugging. “Like I said, I’m the fool in love with the fool, who’s still in love with you. And now you know everything. Please--”

She looked like she wanted to say something else, but she closed her mouth instead and went to the door, opening it and going through, before pulling it shut behind her quietly.

You listened, numbly frozen in your chair, to the sound of her shoes walking across the wooden flooring until she was out of earshot.

Could it possibly be true?

Could Dean, who’d finally found a happy life, a normal life outside of hunting…could he really love you? Could he have been in love with you?

And if it was true—what were you going to do about it?

Part 2 will hopefully be coming soon!

Did you like this? Check out my MASTERLIST!  Feedback is life!

A special shout out to a few individuals who voted for this fic once upon a time:  @arryn-nyxx, @blackcatstiel-blog, @demondeansdomme, @noisilyyoungpuppy , @i-is-for-inspiring, @pinknerdpanda, @waywardjoy, @demonangelimpala, and @cfordwrites

To my Forevers, the ones who keep me writing:

@2wonderinsighlents, @adaliamalfoy, @alcpegasus22, @andrastesflamingtitties, @angelofwinchester17, @alexastacio, @anokhi07, @ariethegreat98, @atc74, @arryn-nyxx, @autopistaaningunaparte, @avasmommy224, @babypieandwhiskey, @bennyyh, @benjerry707, @boxywrites, @bringmesomepie56, @bucky-thorin-winchester, @but-deans-back-tho, @captainemwinchester, @carry-on-ms-believer, @casownsmyass, @cfordwrites, @chaos-and-the-calm67, @dancingalone21, @d-s-winchester, @deafgirlsarecooler, @deandoesthingstome, @deanfuckingwinchesterrr, @deansarms, @deanscherrypie, @deansdirtylittlesecretsblog, @deanwinchesterforpromqueen, @deanxfuckingadorablexwinchester, @deliciouslyshadowymilkshake, @demonangelimpala, @demondeansdomme, @end-lessnights, @faith-in-dean, @fandommaniacx, @feelmyroarrrr, @fiveleaf, @gallxntdean, @graceforme86, @i-is-for-inspiring, @ilostmyshoe-79, @impala-dreamer, @jalove-wecallhimdean, @jarpadandjensenaremyheroes, @jencharlan, @jensen-gal, @jotink78, @just-another-busy-fangirl, @just-a-touch-of-sass-and-fandoms, @katnharper, @kittenofdoomage, @kristaparadowski, @lipstickandwhiskey, @littlegreenplasticsoldier, @leatherwhiskeycoffeeplaid, @love-kittykat21, @loreleilara, @lunarsaturn88, @luv4jensen, @lynnebla, @marilynnlew, @millaraysuyai, @mogaruke, @moonstonemystyk, @mrsbatesmotel53, @mrsjohnsmith, @mrswhozeewhatsis, @mzpearlz, @nightmaredean, @notnatural-supernatural, @paintrider13-blog, @pinknerdpanda, @plaidstiel-wormstache, @rizlowwritessortof, @roxy-davenport, @salvachester, @seenashwrite, @septicxsoulxdarkxmind, @scorpiongirl1, @skathan-omaha, @spnrvt, @supernatural-jackles, @supernaturalyobsessed, @theafinnerup, @thedevilinthedetails, @thegreatficmaster, @vote-for-pedro, @waywardjoy, @wi-deangirl77, @wonderange, @wheresthekillswitch, @withoutaplease, @wonderless-screwup, @xtina2191, @yoursmilemakesmeloveyou, and @yume-deaimashou

If you want to be removed from or added to my forever tag list, send me a message/ask! Only 18+ please!!