#somebody please faithfully adapt this for me

[essektheylyss]

first opinion (which, knowing the film synopsis and having read the book, I am well aware I am not the first to complain about), WHERE IS THE AMBIGUITY

[grimoireoffolkloreandfairytales]

Perrault’s sleeping beauty is so good

1. Good fairy who saves dayplans on being last. The old one arrives on dinner and is muttering whole time so good one guesses what happens and decides to be last to give gift-she is genre savvy one. Or just knows she would have acted same way. SO SHE HIDES BEHIND CURTAIN, Flawless  disguise because forgotten fairy is Old and just wants to curse somebody.

2. Beauty is troll who after Prince comes into her room basically tells him ‘’what took you so long, do you know how long I have been waiting’’ with teasing smile.

3. Prince is stuttering mess who goes from kneeling before her sleeping form to launching cheesy awkward compliments.

4. She likes it and they talk for 4 hours until lady in waiting goes to tell them to get down because lunch is ready.

5. Beauty is much smoother talker because fairy gave her good dreams and apparently beauty got everything explained in them and probably spent decades preparing herself for day prince arrives.

6. Prince has to make big effort not to tell princess she dresses like his great-grandma. But she is beautiful, of course.

7. Everybody resumes their jobs after waking up.

8. Fairy apparently went around and touched everybody, even flies with her wand to put people to sleep and nobody stopped her? So either people really loved princess or fairy is martial artist who puts Flash at shame with her speed.

9. Also, she is responsible for thorns and briars around castle. Fairy godmothers are scariest creatures of fairy tale bunch. Think fae who almost completely get how humans work and are willing to exploit that to protect their charges.

10. King and queen are off for holiday while princess is in castle on fateful day and after she pricks finger they have to leave to rule kingdom (are her and prince relatives? Not that it would be weird for royals but given difficulties they had with conceiving one kid I think they just handed off duties to best friends which is much less icky).

11.Also they tried everything to get kid. Doctors, healers, pilgrimages, magic wells, name it nothing helped.

12. They conceived after queen got prophecy she will have daughter under year from FROG.

13. While bathing in lake. She is queen and she can’t get hot water but has to go to lake? What do poor do? Or she just has kink idk.

14.Also old fairy didn’t get invited because everybody thought she was dead.

15. Because she spent fifty years in some tower. Which sounds like good lifestyle to me and also what is 5 decades to a fairy? Some thought she may be enchanted which is valid I guess?

16. She arrives on dinner before gift giving but after christening and actually accepts explanation. She also shakes from spite while giving her gift.

17. She gets mad because other fairies got golden plates, goblets, forks and knives made of pure gold and decorated with rubies, diamonds and emeralds. AND THEY GOT BOX TO CARRY DINING SET IN. And of course box was gold and jewels too. But because old fairy was late they didn’t have box for her (even if king ordered one brought, but servants commisoned only seven) and she got best china which is nice but really pales in comparison.

18. Old fairy is lost for rest of tale. Old woman who keeps spinning wheel is just an lonely granny whom everybody forgot and lives up in tower and didn’t know about wheels because she is half-dead. Once princess pricks her finger she freaks out. She didn’t even know they had princess. Imagine finding out that information after you apparently murdered her.

19.King and queen carry princess to another tower and put her on bed of gold and silver. Their girl may be cursed but God help them if she doesn’t look great while she is at it.

20. Last fairy is brought news by means of dwarf in seven league boots who comes to tell her what happened. No idea what he was doing before or where he came from.

21. Fairy arrives from fairy land in FIERY CHARIOT DRAWN BY DRAGONS. Also kingdom is called Matakin and twelve thousand miles away from Princess’s.

22. King’s first action once he gets from shock is to rush and offer her hand to get out. Your daughter may be cursed and there may be dragons in your courtyard but he learnt lesson how you properly treat fairy godmother: with best manners ever.

23. Fairy puts everybody to sleep because she is aware princess will be afraid once  she wakes up in so different world ( fairy recognizing humans may be shocked by how world changed? and considering century long time? see what I meant by understanding humans). Plus this way princess has entirely loyal castle to defend her.

24. There is no dust or spiderwebs. She puts everybody to sleep. Fishes, rabbits, birds... and given she touched everybody with wand I just imagine fairy diving and catching spiders.

25. She puts fires to sleep aka extinguishes them. Don’t worry, they come back once everybody is awake so cooking can resume. Also princess has spaniel named Mopsey which slept by her side.

26. Given that food didn’t spoil and rot, that is either effect of time lock fairy put on castle... or she got all bacterias under spell too. Hey, she is dedicated, not out of character. And apparently she did everything in moment because ‘’ Fairies are not long in doing their business. ‘’ Eat your heart out Barry Allen.

27. In hundred years people tell so many stories about castle: it’s haunted, witches meet there each Friday, canniball ogre who is somehow capable of surviving thorns drags children back to castle...

28. In end only an old man remembers story because his dad told it to him 50 years ago.

29. Prince wants to go in because he desires adventure.

30. Princess got in mess because she was bored and explored castle so I would say they are good match.

31. Thorn hedge lets him pass but nobody else. Also it has tress bushes and every sort of plant life willing to protect princess.

32. Castle is creepy but hilarious? Because there is deadly silence but everybody is obviously asleep, even ones standing straight.

33. There is no creepy kiss. Hundred years just pass and magic ends.

34. There is creepiness from prince’s point of vies: princess’s beauty borders on divine, and upon sight of her he trembles and falls to his knees and when she awakens tries to explain that he loves her more than himself, and given this beauty is work of fairies I’m sure he is honest. Like, I’m sure they work it out and really fall in love and get to know each other but still...

35. It is interesting how we went from  prince being so awestruck that he trembles, kneels and would probably jump from window if she asked (and also being completely cute and awkward) to prince fighting his way through briars, killing enemies and kissing her while she sleeps. There is unhealthy focus on beauty and bit of objectification here but it is drastic change.

36. It seems to me that this version of prince isn’t as masculine and traditionally heroic knight as some others are.

37. Meanwhile everybody was dying of hunger. Because they weren’t in love.

38. Everybody is playing haunting music that’s been out of fashion hundred years.

39. They get married and chief lady of honor...draws curtains? What does that mean?

40. And prince is half ogre, but that is story for another time.

In short, this story is great and I need faithfull adaptation of it. Please give me my curious trollling princess and her cute, adorable husband who can go on for hours talking together and scarily competent slightly crazy fairy godmother