#some things may be phrased awkwardly but meh

[flecks-of-stardust]

A Language Based Analysis of Hollow Knight

If you know me, you likely know I have a marked interest in language and talk about it a lot, even going to the lengths of making conlangs for my fanfic. If you don’t, hello! I’m a budding linguistics student and I love language. It’s an aspect of worldbuilding that I think a lot of people neglect, and particularly for Hollow Knight, there’s a lot that can be inferred about the world from how the characters in the game interact. A lot of this is, admittedly, Team Cherry handwaving aspects of worldbuilding and leaving things vague, but it’s still fun to try to piece things together from the scraps we’re given. In this post, I’m going to discuss what the language used in Hollow Knight and how it’s used reveals about the overall area of the broader world outside of Hallownest. Other linguistics students and language lovers, feel free to chime in! I’d love to hear from you and if you have anything to correct me on, please do!

One big thing to know about languages before we get into the thick of it: they become muddied more than some people may think. One specific region will generally speak one or more languages, sometimes designating an ‘official’ language, but what is less obvious is that within one language, there can be a lot of variation, even within specific dialects. It’s also not uncommon for languages to slowly blend and shift into each other over a specific area; in some areas that mainly speak one language, the further you go in one direction, the more of a second language will slip in, until the speakers you find only know the second language. (If I’m not misremembering, this happens with the UK; the further north you go, the more Scots you hear, until everyone is speaking only Scots and not English.) It’s not often as discrete as people like to think about, but this language blending can reveal a lot about the influences and presences of those who enforce the language.

Another thing is that English is, relatively speaking, rather odd as a language. It’s part of the West Germanic family (which includes languages like German, Dutch, Swedish, Norwegian, etc), but it has a lot of influences from French (and more so now with how technology has enabled people to interact at a rate never before seen!). Part of this is due to the Norman invasion of 1066. The local Englishmen were forced to learn and speak French, which is a Romance/Italic language with different language conventions. Over time, these differences affected the conventions of English, resulting in (part of) the mess of the language we know today. For anyone who’s ever laughed at other languages for having grammatical gender, English used to have them too! It just lost them after the Norman invasion, because the grammatical genders for the Italic languages did not align with those of the West Germanic languages, and things got so muddy and confusing that they ended up falling out of use entirely.

All this is to say that influence from other countries and languages often has a much more profound effect in multiple areas of language and communication than most people realize. Lots of English words related to laws and government are from French, as are the words beef and pork (which used to be only affordable to the high class). English lost grammatical gender entirely due to French influence, and no one now knows this unless they specifically go looking for this information! There are other aspects too; the general assumption that someone knows English or should know English is thanks to its global proliferation. You likely wouldn’t assume some random stranger knew Japanese if you’re not in Japan, particularly if they don’t look like they’re Japanese, but you hear a lot about people demanding someone else to speak in English, especially in the US.

Which brings me to my first point: everyone in the game assumes Ghost understands them. Not once do they ever stop and question if Ghost can understand the language they’re speaking. They acknowledge that Ghost does not respond, but they clearly assume that Ghost knows what they’re saying. Even Hornet does this, and I think we can all agree that she is not the type to mince words and waste her breath going off on monologues to someone who has no idea what she’s saying.

This observation can be run the other way too: Ghost knows the language spoken in Hallownest. There are characters who never leave Hallownest, like Hornet (presumably), Myla, Leg Eater, Jiji, Midwife, etc, meaning that it’s likely their shared language is specific to Hallownest. Since Quirrel is also originally from Hallownest, it’s safe to assume that everyone in the game is speaking some dialect of the language spoken in Hallownest (referred to as Hallownestian from here on out for brevity). Ghost clearly understands them all. I have seen some interpretations of how this might work, all of which draw on the fact that they are a godling. Magic is likely not constrained by language, and it’s a pretty reasonable assumption that Ghost understands everything said to them simply because they’re magical. (Then again, Mister Mushroom’s existence kind of argues against this...) But outside of this assumption, it’s unlikely anyone ever taught them Hallownestian. This means they must have learned it somewhere beyond Hallownest, during their travels outside of it.

Which brings up a third observation: Hallownestian is spoken in areas outside of Hallownest. This isn’t a particularly surprising fact, considering how famous Hallownest apparently was. Comparing it to English, which is spoken near-globally, it’s safe to assume Hallownestian had similar influence as Hallownest’s fame grew. Languages often do spread outward like this, in part from immigration and in part from those in power forcing people to learn their language. Generally, the more speakers of a language that are spread out over many areas, the more powerful the area that it originates from is, relatively speaking anyway. If you conquer more regions than other people, you likely have forced all of them to speak your language, and so there are more speakers of your language. If you’re a powerful trade hub or knowledge hub, you probably attracted a lot of people who subsequently learned your language and then taught it to their families and friends.

The more important thing to note is that Hallownestian continued being spoken after Hallownest fell to ruin, and it implies that the general populace in areas outside of Hallownest picked up the language. They possibly began using it just as much, if not more than, the other languages they knew there, enough that Ghost gained enough Hallownestian proficiency to understand everyone you can talk to in the game. They also learned the script too, since they’re able to read the signs in the game. Many languages are only spoken, so the fact that the script spread outside of Hallownest as well is a testament to its fame.

And, we know for certain that there are areas outside of Hallownest (despite what it may try to say) because characters like Cloth, Tiso, Cornifer and Iselda, Ze’mer, and Zote exist. They must have come from somewhere that wasn’t Hallownest, and they definitely spoke other languages. Ze’mer’s speech is evidence enough for that, but Lemm further confirms this (“It's long hard work translating the many languages of the bugs that explore these caverns.”). It’s not clear how far all of them had to travel to reach Hallownest, but from what the White Lady says about the delicate flower (“Far it travelled to reach this place, brought by one beloved, fair knight of lands serene.”), it seems Ze’mer’s kingdom may have been the furthest away from Hallownest. Which makes sense; Ze’mer’s speech is the most obviously different from everyone else you’re able to talk to. It’s likely she learned the language after arriving, instead of learning it in her previous kingdom.

This all points to a fourth observation: Hallownestian spread quite far out, relative to where Hallownest itself is (but this spread has a definite range). How is it that Tiso and Cloth both speak Hallownestian despite seemingly not coming from the same place? How can Ghost understand them both? Magic aside, this would have to be due to Hallownestian’s prominence in both kingdoms Tiso and Cloth come from, as well as the kingdoms that Ghost traveled to. Tiso and Cloth and the other travelers you meet are clearly fluent in Hallownestian too, and that can only be true if they were able to explicitly learn it, perhaps in school or from a massive community of speakers. Anyone who’s learned a second language should know how difficult it is to learn said language when you’re not able to speak to other people who know the language; the travelers’ fluency more than implies that there were many, many people who spoke Hallownestian where they came from.

The specific range can be half-inferred based on Quirrel and Hornet’s dialogue. You probably wouldn’t assume some random stranger on the street speaks English unless you’re in an area that has a lot of English speakers. Quirrel defaults to addressing Ghost in Hallownestian despite acknowledging them as a traveler, and he does the same to Hornet in the comic where she and him fight briefly. Hornet, in turn, does the same to him: she actually initiates the dialogue, challenging him from high up, speaking in Hallownestian (and it likely is Hallownestian considering it’s not likely she’s left the kingdom). There are two possible explanations for this, the first of which is that Hornet and Quirrel are choosing to address who they’re speaking to in Hallownestian based on the knowledge that anyone who is in the area has likely learned the language beforehand. It’s fairly common to learn a few phrases of the language of the country you’re visiting, so it’s not that far fetched of a thought. The other possibility is that neither of them know of an area that doesn’t speak Hallownestian. It’s similar to how even in generally non-English dominant areas, you’ll still find people trying to talk to you in English. Its presence as a lingua franca is so powerful it’s a decent bet to guess that some random person on the street knows the language. Hallownestian evidently has something comparable. Considering that Quirrel is arguably one of the most well traveled people you can talk to in the game, it’s pretty hard to imagine another situation where both he and Hornet would default to addressing someone in Hallownestian. And even if it isn’t a lingua franca, the range of influence Hallownest had must have been absolutely gigantic for them to do this.

And this brings up some speculation on my part: Ghost never left the area of influence of Hallownest. If they had, then it wasn’t for long, and they must have returned over and over again to the general area. Otherwise they couldn’t have learned Hallownestian, since some kingdoms, like Ze’mer’s previous kingdom, do not natively know the language. To be fair, they’re never given the room to demonstrate their understanding of a language besides Hallownestian as there is no other language spoken in the game (Mister Mushroom excluded). Ze’mer’s speech doesn’t fully count as evidence against this, if only because she is speaking a mixture of her native tongue and Hallownestian, though we can infer from Ghost’s interactions with her that they do not understand the words of her native tongue.

You could argue that the Grimm Troupe’s existence implies Ghost knows more than one language, and I honestly cannot push back against that. But with how much they have traveled around, it’s also extremely likely they, too, speak many languages, and they happened to use one that Ghost understands. It’s also likely they already knew Hallownestian, and are simply conversing with them in the shared language of this area. And on top of that, Grimm is a god, so he could be utilizing that connection with Ghost to speak more directly. Really anything works; there’s not enough information about the Troupe’s adventures outside of Hallownest for me to say more.

With the information I have now, I can’t definitively say if Ghost ever left the area of influence of Hallownest. Even then, the influence Hallownest had was massive considering how many travelers you can meet and talk to who know Hallownestian, and it seems to have been, or still is, a lingua franca. I think it says a lot too if Ghost did leave the area, but returned enough that they still learned Hallownestian. Perhaps they knew, deep down, what they were made to do?

At the end of all of this, the final answer to a lot of these questions is that Hollow Knight is, at its core, a video game made by an indie team. Team Cherry simply did not have the time to even give languages thought, so anything I’ve said above is likely just coincidence and speculation. Still, it’s fun to speculate! I’ve been thinking on and off about this a lot, and I finally committed to writing this up. I hope it’s been a fun read, and again, if anyone has stuff to add, I’d love to hear it!

[slightly-nerdy-rambles]

Robstar Week Day 7: Looking Back, Moving Forward (Prompt: Together)

Those of you who have read my previous year's fics may already suspect what this one will be about, based on the fact that it hasn't shown up yet. Yup, it's time for this year's Royal Family Verse fic! For those of you who don't know what the Royal Family Verse is, it's a kind of special "side" continuity that I set one of each year's Robstar Week entries in. To summarize, when Galfore suffers a debilitating injury and chooses to abdicate to Starfire rather than risk being overthrown by a strong but foolish challenger, Robin chooses to go with her and marriage and emperor-consort-hood kind of inevitably ensue. If you're interested in reading more from this 'verse, feel free to check out "A New Life" from 2020 and "These Winding Halls" from 2019 (or just check the “Royal Family Verse” tag on my blog). While I decided pretty quickly that "Together" would be the prompt of choice for the RFV fic, I actually had a little difficulty deciding what specific event to write about... my first idea turned out kind of meh, while my second one ended up being something I realized I wanted to write as more of a standalone fic. With that in consideration, it might not take a full year for the next RFV story to come out...

Anyway, I suppose that does it for this year's Robstar Week. Thanks for joining the fun, everyone, and see you next year!

Looking Back, Moving Forward

It was a scene that, just a few months ago, he would not have expected to see again. Starfire on a high palace balcony, Tamaran's pinkish-purple sky above her, a cheering throng of Tamaraneans below. The strange upright crown of the planet's royalty resting almost a little awkwardly on her brow.

There were differences from the last time, of course. He could have sworn the crowd was more than twice as big, now — the result, no doubt, of a transition of power planned ahead, rather than won in an impromptu duel. Galfore himself had traded her princess' diadem for the larger crown of the Grand Ruler moments ago, to the still-roaring delight of those below. Life had been so much simpler, he thought wryly, when it had been the other way around.

The biggest change had been Galfore's doing as well. He had wanted his last act as Grand Ruler to be something meaningful, something that made his bumgorf truly happy before she had such great responsibility thrust upon her. That was why, now as she prepared to address her people, the new empress still wore a wedding gown that she seemed far more comfortable in than her last.

It was also why Robin — though he supposed he had to use his new Tamaranean name now — waited in the wings just a little behind her, dressed in its partner.

Mar'ikesh's, or Nightwing's, mind was still reeling from the events of the day, and what they would mean for himself and Starfire alike. For the moment, though, he forced those thoughts down to listen to her words.

"Just a few years ago, I stood on this balcony and declared that I was not best for Tamaran," she began. "I still believe that, at the time, that was the case. I had been away for too long, and my heart still belonged too much to Earth."

Nightwing felt himself tense up; her heart still belonged to Earth, he knew, and it took all of his willpower not to look back at where their friends watched from their places of honor or step up to lend a comforting presence while she had to put on a brave face. Not yet. You'll have your moment.

"Further, it would not have done well, so soon after my sister's coup, to begin a reign with further violence among family."

Here Starfire paused for just a moment, taking a deep breath too quietly for the microphone hidden in the balcony to pick up. She chanced a quick glance back at him, and he offered her a small but encouraging smile.

"But much has changed since then," she went on, her voice growing stronger. "Galfore's wisdom and courage has served you all well, and I will cherish his guidance in the years to come. But if he believes that I am ready for this position, then I know that I must be. And I will do everything in my power, through my own experience, to ensure that Tamaran continues to prosper. This I promise you today."

Another wild cheer rose up, and Starfire's face shone with more confidence than Nightwing had seen in the past month. She turned to him, smiling, and held out a hand.

Now was the time.

Nightwing stepped forward and slipped his hand into hers, and she pulled him over to join her by the balcony wall. He tried not to think too hard about the size of the inhuman crowd, or the snatches of conversation in a language he was only just beginning to learn, or the odd weight of the diadem on his forehead.

"And as for my heart," she said a little more softly, still looking into his eyes with that gentle smile on her face, "a part of it has chosen to join me here, so that I may not be distracted by thoughts that I have left another home behind."

She returned her attention to the assembled Tamaraneans. "Mar'ikesh is one of the most brave and noble people I know, and it is my great pleasure to introduce him to those of you who have not seen him already. Si kaxga si darta!"

The crowd repeated that final phrase in chorus, and Nightwing had to swallow a small lump in his throat. It was a Tamaranean saying he had become quite familiar with recently: "Our family is our strength." In this context, he believed it related in some way to how the people saw the royal family as 'Tamaran's family,' but its general form was something he understood clearly enough.

Family. That's what we are now.

Nightwing must have been distracted by those thoughts, because the next thing he knew, he and Starfire were suddenly being scooped up by Cyborg in a big bear hug.

"I can't believe it's finally happening! Our girl's all grown up and ruling the planet!" he half-blubbered, his human eye tearing up while Beast Boy and even Raven came in and joined the impromptu group hug.

"We're really gonna miss you guys," Beast Boy added, his tone more subdued than Nightwing thought he'd ever heard it.

Starfire was tearing up too now — they all were, really — but she shook her head and smiled as the embrace broke apart and she stepped back to look at her former teammates.

"We are not letting you leave so soon," she insisted. "I already told you that this kind of party is sure to last at least a week."

Raven offered a subtle smile of her own. "Don't worry, you won't get rid of us that easily."

Cyborg let out a low sigh and placed a hand on each of the couple's shoulders. "I know, but it's still coming up so fast. You two take good care of each other, y'hear?"

Nightwing took his new wife's hand and shared a look with her. "That's kind of the plan," he said.

And just because the statement was obvious didn't make it any less true. He'd have a lot to adjust to, and even with all her prior training Starfire would too, but it was very much official now that they would go through it all together.

And when they were together, he'd found, there was nothing they couldn't do.

[britonell]

Bit more about Japanese culture and anime...

There was some interest after this Inuyasha post. Thought it would be cool to go more in-depth and relate it to anime, so next time you watch something you can go, “Oh yeah. That happens over there.”

No, THAT doesn’t happen in Japan.

As a word of caution: I grew up near Tokyo in the 90′s, when the economic bubble had burst but your average family didn’t feel the effects until later. Culture may have shifted slightly after the economic downturn (I know there’s a more nationalistic undertone now, like most of Asia), and everything I say will not apply to all of Japan. Places like Sapporo and Ōsaka have their own distinct cultures, like how New York and Texas are uniquely different.

But since most anime are set in or are geared towards the Tokyo crowd, I have a good idea of the cultural influences. Especially when relating it to Inuyasha, which was published and set in the 90′s (at least in Kagome’s modern time).

Memories~

Also, what I’m about to say below is about Japan (Tokyo). Please don’t start applying it to other countries in Asia, or you will be laughably misled.

Additionally, I’m not some researcher who did extensive study on my own culture. I’m just relating to y’all my background, experiences, and the little bit of knowledge I’ve gleaned from my memories of living there as a little girl, as well as from stories shared by my parents.

Suffice it to say, you should not cite me for your research paper.

You’re on your own, suckers!

I didn’t want to bother making multiple posts, so this is gonna be looooong. It’s not all roses either. If you have this fantastic, perfect vision of Japan, turn back now! You hear me?

Now then.

Are you ready, kids?

HERE. WE. GOOOOO!!!

When I was in Japan, public elementary schools still ran 6 days a week (half-days on Saturdays, when we did nothing productive). Now only some private schools run for 6 days. But what I remember is the nutritious lunches. They were definitely healthier than pizza. And we had to drink all. That. Damn. Milk.

Whoa. The bottle I had to finish was a little smaller than that.

Note: I know most Asians are lactose intolerant, but no classmate of mine ever got a stomachache. We definitely weren’t drinking soy milk. It could’ve been processed/long-life milk. I’ve heard people with lactose intolerance in Japan drinking milk just fine, but traveling to the US and symptoms showing up. Dunno what’s different between our milk supplies.

You’ll find teachers pushing kids to drink their milk. You got mocked by your classmates if you failed to finish your bottle or carton. Reason is, we just don’t get a lot of calcium in out diet, not like other countries. Osteoporosis is sort of accepted as an inevitability -- that’s why you see so many old men in anime who’re tiny or have a terrible hunchback. It’s an exaggeration of the truth.

Look at that little fella.

Moving on... Boundaries are EVERYTHING: Thanks to movies and shows, Japanese people are aware how people abroad like being physically close to one another in a public setting.

THAT SAID, if you and your spouse greet each other with a chaste kiss in front of a young Japanese woman, you’re gonna hear a high-pitched squeal or a giggle -- not out of disapproval, mind you. It’s just not something you see everyday in Japan. Older folks and men who’re too cool to care will just avert their gaze. Or laugh awkwardly.

Awkward laughing is our thing.

A possible reaction to public kissing, along with awkward laughing. Not for the hip and cool kids, though. They might whistle at you.

Japan has some clear social rules about what can be done in specific situations. At least, it’s clear to us. People visiting might get a serious whiplash.

Example: I remember there being a channel that ran news programs during the day. What I didn’t know at the time was that after 10 pm -- BAM, topless host of an erotic game show. It was the parents’ responsibility to make sure kids stayed away from certain channels at night.

Same for certain streets. Host club workers will entice young women on these streets to drink at their clubs, and they can do that because kids and families don’t use those streets.

Don’t let the anime fool you. A lot of host clubs are shady, like drugs-sex-yakuza-type shady...

However... there was that one time my dad thought it would be funny to bring my mom and I to take a walk down a certain street because he’s a cheeky bastard (I was like 4 years old). According to my dad, there was utter silence as host club workers immediately clammed up and averted their gaze. One person went up to my dad and asked him if we were lost.

Hilarious talking about it now. Highly questionable back then.

My dad has a strange sense of humor.

Oh, after-work drinking culture for office workers is another accepted oddity. Spouses are NOT invited. Some companies are strict about married couples not working in the same building. Bizarre, I know, but they really want to keep marital issues away from company grounds. Some private schools even have strict rules about dating, but I went to public school so I’ve got no personal stories about that.

Drinking with coworkers really is about networking and strengthening ties with coworkers, like in other countries, but in Japan you can easily find a CEO getting drunk and wearing his tie around his forehead and dancing with his shirt unbuttoned. Not joking.

Exaggeration of the truth. I say exaggeration because most office workers aren’t gonna be that good looking. Heh.

Despite most Japanese people suffering from alcohol flush reaction, drinking after work is part of the work culture. In the 90′s, if they missed the last train (trains don’t run 24/7) you used to see office workers sleeping in parks.

Note: Pickpocketing is still virtually nonexistent in most of Japan. There’s even a whole fashion trend of young men showing off the latest wallet design by letting it hang from their back pocket with a fancy chain.

I’ll be honest. I couldn’t find an appropriate gif.

Nowadays, there’s capsule hotels (pod hotels). They seem like a novelty to tourists, but in reality are used by office workers that stayed out too long and don’t want to spend money on taxis, because that shit is expensive...

...for a reason: Japanese taxis are really nice. The doors slightly swing open for you when the driver pushes a button.

Anyway, morning comes and the office workers take meds for the hangover and they’ll be back to their serious selves come workday.

Nothing to see here, get back to work.

Next, Japanese language: We’ve got a shit-ton of loanwords. Like, off the top of my head, I don’t know the Japanese word for bread. I always say “pan,” which is from Portuguese. Being an island nation, you can clearly track which word came from which traders and missionaries.

I was on the phone with my dad while writing this. He assured me there’s a Japanese word for bread. He couldn’t remember. Then told me to stop playing around, before saying he’s going back to his sitcom...thanks, dad.

“Cosplay,” coined in Japan during the 80′s, is the combination of the words “costume” and “play.” Even the word “anime” is from “animation,” and in Japan it means just that. I remember watching a movie review when I was a kid and the reviewer calling the foreign movie “a great anime.” It wasn’t a 2-D movie. I think it might’ve been A Bug’s Life, but I wasn’t interested so meh.

And the big anime eyes have Western influences too! The great Osamu Tezuka, the father of manga, was influenced by Disney and Betty Boop.

A modern version of Tezuka-sensei’s iconic Astro Boy.

We’ve been using words and phrases from other countries for ages. We literally say “Merry Christmas,” because wishing someone to have a good foreign holiday in Japanese is just a waste of time -- unless you’re really nationalistic and don’t want to use English words. There are people like that, some of them politicians. Ugh.

Sushi on Christmas? Eh, why not? Holidays like Valentine’s Day, Christmas, and Halloween were all introduced to Japan by corporations, anyway.

I was talking to an old Japanese friend, and she exclaimed “Sweet” in the middle of conversation, which made me pause (she never moved out of Japan). More English words have come into casual Japanese conversations since I left the country, and they’ve been sort of molded and melded to form new terms. Terms I find weird...and make me feel old.

Oh, another thing that seems to surprise a lot of people I’ve met: Japanese people sing Happy Birthday in English. No one I personally knew sang it in Japanese...I guess we collectively decided it sounded better in English? All I know is that, as a little girl, every time I went to a birthday party we sang it in English.

Asked my dad why we sing it in English. His response was basically, “Who cares?” Also, is anyone else getting a little hungry?

It’s not that weird of an idea...because of reasons. The first being birthdays weren’t that big of a deal for commoners until a certain time period (I want to say Edo period). People just kept track of the years, so it was as if everyone’s birthday was the first day of the new year/springtime.

Secondly, English is a mandatory class beginning as early as kindergarten. Don’t think we’re all bilingual, though. It’s English meant to pass tests. I will be the first to admit, we’re not linguists. We learn enough to say certain phrases.

Heh. Sleeping in class is an international trope.

Onto couples and what’s acceptable: If you spot your girlfriend holding another boy’s hand in public, even if it was to get up some slippery stairs, it would be understandable to get a tiny bit defensive. So all those anime guys with jealousy issues? Perhaps context would say they’re being reasonably miffed. Or not, it depends.

Is it an upstanding citizen helping your girlfriend? Relax, man. Is it a romantic rival who wants a chance to be physically close? CODE RED! CODE RED! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! BOUNDARIES HAVE BEEN CROSSED! I REPEAT!

BOUNDARIES. HAVE. BEEN. CROSSED.

Inuyasha’s half dog. He’s just being territorial! :P (Respecting boundaries was a bigger deal in the past, anyway.)

Other than couples-only events or somewhere only young adults roam, hand-holding is really the only way to publicly show your affection. Kissing a friend on the cheek? Unless you did that with every friend and you grew up in a different country, you’ll get some raised eyebrows.

Back pocket butt squeeze? Y-Y-YOU DEVIANT!

That’s pretty much fool-around-in-the-alleyway territory.

One of the few times boundaries can be crossed? The arts. Once you get into the entertainment industry, or become a TV personality or a comedian, suddenly there’s this invitation to do crazy shit.

The arts is where you let go and do all sorts of strange and wild things.

Laws have tightened since the 90′s--the comedians were REALLY out there back then--but even to this day our manga, anime, and TV shows can push the limits of our sensitivities. Movies can be crazy violent. Video games can be crazy perverted. Prank shows can be crazy outrageous.

It’s sort of our outlet.

Our insane, dirty, naughty outlet.

Japanese people aren’t that religious (yes, we’re transitioning from booty to faith): A lot of us put down Shinto or Buddhism or whatever on paper if asked, but only out of respect for our elders who really were practicing. These days, people will go ahead and have a Christian wedding and then have a Buddhist funeral.

I’m not kidding here.

Cardcaptor Sakura!? ...I’ve actually seen weirder.

Despite the up to date youth, past beliefs and ideas are still deeply rooted in our culture (like saying “See you in the next life,” even if you don’t really care about the validity of reincarnation), so people can still be superstitious without belonging to a religious organization...and discrimination against females at the workplace and homophobia can be worse than in other developed countries.

The truth is our culture isn’t perfect.

I’m sorry, but it’s true.

So it’s understandable that people would be confused by the conservative behavior of Japanese people, because our media would suggest the complete opposite. In public, we keep to our boundaries, from combination of culture and lack of physical space.

You know those face masks people in Asia seem to wear all the time? In Japan, the ill wear those out of necessity in the city. Grueling work culture demands we work even while sick (unless you physically can’t get up). Cities are crowded, we’re stacked on top of one another in tiny apartments, but most jobs are in cities so we’ve got no choice but to cover our sneezes and coughs with masks as we squeeze into really, really crowded trains.

Good luck getting a seat during rush hour! You know what, good luck getting room to breathe.

Speaking of work culture: Customer service...best in the world, even the government employees are polite and prompt. I’ve lived in a couple of countries, and there’s no comparison. Pay for these Japanese workers isn’t that great and there’s no incentives like tips, it’s just that their standards are way higher. To a fault. “The customer is always right” is taken to a ridiculous level.  

My dad remembers a news story about a waiter that politely quit after he was verbally skewered to tears by a customer, patiently waited outside until the customer exited, and then ambushed him with a bat. The typical reaction to the news story? "About time.”

Yay, violence!

I know working in customer service in the US can be brutal. The difference that makes it worse in Japan is there’s this widespread cultural expectation for workers to bow and apologize for everything no matter what, because service workers must be humble first and foremost, which is as humiliating and emotionally taxing as you can imagine.

The waiters of a typical restaurant in Japan aren’t even allowed to be sarcastic or cheeky to a rude customer, like snidely say, “I hope your day is as pleasant as you are,” because that could get them in trouble. They could even get in trouble for not smiling enough, or not being as eloquent as possible, or not wearing their uniform perfectly...

And these are considered “reasonable” demands from the manager!

“Grin and bear it” takes on a whole new meaning in Japan.

Our petty crimes are infrequent. Since our housewives are such busybodies, police get plenty of tattletales. But, like in a lot of countries, there’s under-reporting of certain crimes--sexual assaults--due to shame and whatnot. Stuff like train groping? Probably a combination of repressed desires, predators taking advantage of the under-reporting, and the submissive personalities commonly found in Japanese women.

We’re really good about returning lost property, however. It’s like our pride forces us to do so. Giving change someone left in a vending machine to the neighborhood police station as lost property is pretty much the first thing we learn in kindergarten, along with proper hand-washing.

My dad went back to visit Japan in 2015, and saw a man pick up and pocket currency someone ahead of him dropped at a bus stop. Dad’s reaction to this: “Society has fallen.” I tend to agree.

The few homicides that occur aren’t brought on by something like road rage, but more along the lines of crimes committed by repressed people with long-held, festering grudges that snapped, like the abused waiter. Or something really elaborate, like a yakuza cover-up. Either way, it can get really heinous.

Don’t let Detective Conan fool you. Ours murders aren’t that numerous. Or fun to solve.

Why do we snap? We have this culture of holding things in; gaman, which means to endure. It’s supposed to make you patient and persevere, thus negating entitlement, but I can say with certainty there’s too much of it (except in our politics), and it’s bad for our mental and physical health, e.g. our ridiculously grueling work culture and possibly snapping like that waiter.

Our subcultures (cosplay, anime) can be fun and neat. Our main culture, not so much. It’s only in specific events and areas of Japan, like cons and Harajuku, where you won’t be judged for being out there and letting loose.

I mean, we’ve got problems with shut-ins for a reason.

On a more lighter note...hot springs!

There used to be a lot more volcanic activity in Japan (smoke used to spew out of Mt. Fuji).

Natural hot springs birthed a particular bathing habit that we follow to this day, even at our own homes -- we prepare first by showering and cleansing ourselves, and then get into our boiling bathtub to relax our muscles.

In the past, travelers were essentially sharing the natural hot springs, so it was a no-brainer that they would try to get clean before getting in. Habits stuck, I guess. Of course, it’s less true for those living in tiny apartments without bathtubs. A modern travesty, really.

Even our monkeys love ‘em!

...if you’re curious about the monkeys: We have wild snow monkeys all over Japan that bathe in natural hot springs. There’s a national park famous for them. Japan also has islands full of cats, an island full of rabbits, and a public park full of deer too.

Something neat to end the post: It can be fun shopping at their flea markets and bazaars (we really call them that, yay loanwords). Japanese people are really, really great at taking care of their belongings, as evidenced by their temples and shrines. Hand-me-downs and used objects may be resold in their original packaging--that’s how well cared for they are.

Most of the city streets are clean too. Unless it’s festival time~

Went ahead and asked my dad why so many in Japan keep the original packaging. “Dunno. Habit?” he said. Then he went to eat some sunflower seeds. Helpful, dad. Helpful.

[ongames]

49 Tweets That Sum Up Easter For Parents

Easter is less than a week away, and parents are gearing up for egg hunts, creepy bunny photos and serious sugar highs.

As with any holiday, having kids makes Easter extra chaotic ... and extra hilarious too. We scoured Twitter and found 49 funny tweets from parents about celebrating Easter. 

Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don't like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year. Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that's weird.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) March 28, 2016

Just explained to my kids that sometimes an evil bunny comes and eats kids' Easter candy on the night of Easter.

— Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) March 28, 2016

I forgot to buy Easter eggs for the hunt this morning so I told my kids that this year the bunny hid them REALLY well.

— Brian Hope (@Brianhopecomedy) April 5, 2015

My kids can find 75K plastic eggs hidden outside, but they can't pick up one Lego in the middle of the walkway. #Easter

— Beau Coffron (@lunchboxdad) March 27, 2016

Step 1: Paint Jesus on an Easter Egg. Step 2: Hide the Easter Egg. Step 3: Yell, "You need to find Jesus!" At all the little children.

— Will Rodgers (@WilliamRodgers) March 27, 2016

It's 10:30 at night. Should I tell my kids to give up on the Easter egg hunt or just let them keep looking?

— Darin Loves Bacon (@darinlovesbacon) March 28, 2016

Based on all of the practice my daughters get looking for shoes, Easter eggs don't stand a chance this year.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) March 27, 2015

Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don't remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.

— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) March 24, 2017

Shoutout to all the parents who wrestled their screaming toddlers into Brunch clothes this #Easter.

— Ana Gasteyer (@AnaGasteyer) March 27, 2016

This is my family after our Easter brunch. I share it b/c NO ONE ASKED THE EASTER BUNNY TO POSE WITH US http://pic.twitter.com/OEFYDmgqag

— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) April 5, 2015

Kids really do make the holidays magical and bright. Like, take Easter for example. Did you know vomit comes in pastels, too?

— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) March 27, 2016

For real Easter dinner fun, serve rabbit to the kids' table.

— Once Meh, Always Meh (@TheAlexNevil) March 27, 2016

My 8 year old said that he hopes the Easter Egg Hunt is more of a challenge this year so I'm buying a bunch of mouse traps.

— Brian Hope (@Brianhopecomedy) March 17, 2016

The Easter baskets are down to just robin eggs and black jelly beans. This is my official cry for help.

— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) April 1, 2016

Please let that be chocolate. Please let that be chocolate. Please let that be chocolate. - Every parent on Easter

— Ramblin' Mama (@ramblinma) March 27, 2016

Still waiting for this toddler to find the Easter Eggs that are literally sitting in the grass right in front of them.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) March 29, 2016

My kid started using air quotes when saying "Easter Bunny," so I started using air quotes when talking about his "Easter candy."

— qwertygirl (@qwertygirl) April 4, 2015

*8 year old walks into kitchen* "Daddy, I have some questions about the Easter bunny." *wife walks into kitchen* *I cartwheel out*

— Brian Hope (@Brianhopecomedy) March 29, 2016

Parenting Tip: Strip down to your skivvies before stealing your kid's easter candy so you can pretend to be sleepwalking if you get caught.

— HammBone (@hammbone84) April 6, 2016

Toddler found two and a half eggs at the Easter egg hunt. Yeah, HALF. No one was messing around during that thing.

— dadpression (@Dadpression) March 27, 2016

Hey, everyone! Look how much Easter I'm having! *Posts all the obnoxious kid and bunny and Easter basket and egg hunt pictures*

— Walking Outside (@WalkingOutside) March 28, 2016

Do you think Easter is the number 1 holiday for child vehicular barfing?

— Jessica Grose (@JessGrose) March 27, 2016

Easter: Hunt for eggs. Day After Easter: Can't go anywhere without seeing and stepping on plastic egg tops and bottoms.

— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) March 28, 2016

One fun part about Easter is how your kids spend the entire day getting jacked up on candy and then you remember it's a school night.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) March 28, 2016

We covered our backyard in candy-filled Easter eggs. My 1-year-old picked up zero eggs and one piece of dog poop. Money well spent.

— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 20, 2014

"He can't drink the Easter egg dye." Submitted By: Ashley http://pic.twitter.com/SsRvbqaA4k

— ReasonsMySonIsCrying (@ReasonsMySonCry) March 28, 2016

When did "Easter crafts" become a thing? What happened to the good old days of putting an egg in all the dye colors & watching it turn ugly?

— Danielle Herzog (@martinisandmini) March 22, 2016

Serious question. When does the Easter Bunny come by to pick up all the kids he just loaded up with candy? #parenting

— Beau Coffron (@lunchboxdad) March 28, 2016

FYI: Talking into a half-eaten hollow chocolate bunny makes your voice louder, in case anyone needs their Easter candy to be more obnoxious

— Wendy S. (@maughammom) March 30, 2016

My kids have figured out every hiding spot I have in this house, so I guess I have no choice but to finish this stash of Easter candy now.

— Ash (@cray_at_home_ma) March 29, 2016

How Easter candy is really made http://pic.twitter.com/EuEJpTSIUz

— Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) March 27, 2016

A cute and scientific thing I tell my kids is that the Easter Bunny's body would flop around for several minutes after decapitation.

— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) March 28, 2017

Pro Tip: Christmas lights can double as Easter lights if *you* leave them up long enough. *we*

— Six Pack Mom (@Six_Pack_Mom) March 7, 2017

4 yr old son: "That Jesus guy came back from the dead and saw all these people? So then he's a zombie?"#Easter

— Danielle Herzog (@martinisandmini) March 27, 2016

5: here's the thing about chocolate: it's delicious. Me: is that it? 5: yes. Me: ok. 5: and I found an Easter egg from last year & ate it.

— Mike Reynolds (@EverydayGirlDad) March 2, 2017

Jesus died on the cross so you could put pictures of your kid's Easter basket on Facebook.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) April 5, 2015

I forgot to post a picture of my kids in their Easter clothes on Facebook yesterday and now DCFS is knocking on my door.

— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) April 21, 2014

*Morgan Freeman narrates "Alex thought he'd controlled his demons, but as soon as the Cadbury Easter Eggs went on display, it was all over."

— Once Meh, Always Meh (@TheAlexNevil) January 15, 2017

While we were sleeping, did Easter become Halloween Part 2/Mini-Christmas?? (Some of these baskets, man.)

— Nicole Blades (@NicoleBlades) April 21, 2014

Celebrating Easter by being woke up at 5:15am and letting my kid her weight in chocolate before the sun comes up just like the Lord intended

— Tim (@Playing_Dad) March 27, 2016

[Wipes chocolate from face and brushes candy dust from lap.] I hate those cliche tweets about parents eating all their kids Easter candy.

— Kelcey Kintner (@mamabirddiaries) March 28, 2016

Hey Gals, don't forget to check Pinterest today for ideas on upcycling your Easter bonnet into an April Fool's Day chapeau.

— Housewife of Hell (@HousewifeOfHell) March 30, 2016

People who say “Hoppy Easter!” make me feel like Jesus isn’t risen.

— Sammy Rhodes (@sammyrhodes) March 27, 2016

Real text to my husband: "Easter stuff is ready for the attic. But, please, whatever you do, keep the Christmas welcome mat outside okay?"

— Jenna Fischer (@jennafischer) April 13, 2016

Behind every photo of kids coloring eggs is a parent screaming and threatening to take away Easter.

— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) March 27, 2016

My 8yo son asked for a smart phone for Easter. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Everything about that phrase is ridiculous.

— Lady E (@LadyEdotMe) March 6, 2017

The Easter Bunny doesn't talk, so here are the kids awkwardly looking at each other like, What do we do now? http://pic.twitter.com/iTMDTx2VWe

— Aaron Schmidt (@byaaronschmidt) March 26, 2016

What came first? The tantrum over leaving a giant basket of candy at home, or the egg hunt? #Easter

— dadpression (@Dadpression) March 27, 2016

Bummed Easter is over. Now which candy/gift bestowing mythological creature am I supposed to use to extort good behavior out of my children?

— John Kinnear (@askdadblog) April 21, 2014

-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.

49 Tweets That Sum Up Easter For Parents published first on http://ift.tt/2lnpciY

[yes-dal456]

49 Tweets That Sum Up Easter For Parents

Easter is less than a week away, and parents are gearing up for egg hunts, creepy bunny photos and serious sugar highs.

As with any holiday, having kids makes Easter extra chaotic ... and extra hilarious too. We scoured Twitter and found 49 funny tweets from parents about celebrating Easter. 

Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don't like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year. Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that's weird.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) March 28, 2016

Just explained to my kids that sometimes an evil bunny comes and eats kids' Easter candy on the night of Easter.

— Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) March 28, 2016

I forgot to buy Easter eggs for the hunt this morning so I told my kids that this year the bunny hid them REALLY well.

— Brian Hope (@Brianhopecomedy) April 5, 2015

My kids can find 75K plastic eggs hidden outside, but they can't pick up one Lego in the middle of the walkway. #Easter

— Beau Coffron (@lunchboxdad) March 27, 2016

Step 1: Paint Jesus on an Easter Egg. Step 2: Hide the Easter Egg. Step 3: Yell, "You need to find Jesus!" At all the little children.

— Will Rodgers (@WilliamRodgers) March 27, 2016

It's 10:30 at night. Should I tell my kids to give up on the Easter egg hunt or just let them keep looking?

— Darin Loves Bacon (@darinlovesbacon) March 28, 2016

Based on all of the practice my daughters get looking for shoes, Easter eggs don't stand a chance this year.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) March 27, 2015

Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don't remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.

— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) March 24, 2017

Shoutout to all the parents who wrestled their screaming toddlers into Brunch clothes this #Easter.

— Ana Gasteyer (@AnaGasteyer) March 27, 2016

This is my family after our Easter brunch. I share it b/c NO ONE ASKED THE EASTER BUNNY TO POSE WITH US http://pic.twitter.com/OEFYDmgqag

— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) April 5, 2015

Kids really do make the holidays magical and bright. Like, take Easter for example. Did you know vomit comes in pastels, too?

— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) March 27, 2016

For real Easter dinner fun, serve rabbit to the kids' table.

— Once Meh, Always Meh (@TheAlexNevil) March 27, 2016

My 8 year old said that he hopes the Easter Egg Hunt is more of a challenge this year so I'm buying a bunch of mouse traps.

— Brian Hope (@Brianhopecomedy) March 17, 2016

The Easter baskets are down to just robin eggs and black jelly beans. This is my official cry for help.

— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) April 1, 2016

Please let that be chocolate. Please let that be chocolate. Please let that be chocolate. - Every parent on Easter

— Ramblin' Mama (@ramblinma) March 27, 2016

Still waiting for this toddler to find the Easter Eggs that are literally sitting in the grass right in front of them.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) March 29, 2016

My kid started using air quotes when saying "Easter Bunny," so I started using air quotes when talking about his "Easter candy."

— qwertygirl (@qwertygirl) April 4, 2015

*8 year old walks into kitchen* "Daddy, I have some questions about the Easter bunny." *wife walks into kitchen* *I cartwheel out*

— Brian Hope (@Brianhopecomedy) March 29, 2016

Parenting Tip: Strip down to your skivvies before stealing your kid's easter candy so you can pretend to be sleepwalking if you get caught.

— HammBone (@hammbone84) April 6, 2016

Toddler found two and a half eggs at the Easter egg hunt. Yeah, HALF. No one was messing around during that thing.

— dadpression (@Dadpression) March 27, 2016

Hey, everyone! Look how much Easter I'm having! *Posts all the obnoxious kid and bunny and Easter basket and egg hunt pictures*

— Walking Outside (@WalkingOutside) March 28, 2016

Do you think Easter is the number 1 holiday for child vehicular barfing?

— Jessica Grose (@JessGrose) March 27, 2016

Easter: Hunt for eggs. Day After Easter: Can't go anywhere without seeing and stepping on plastic egg tops and bottoms.

— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) March 28, 2016

One fun part about Easter is how your kids spend the entire day getting jacked up on candy and then you remember it's a school night.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) March 28, 2016

We covered our backyard in candy-filled Easter eggs. My 1-year-old picked up zero eggs and one piece of dog poop. Money well spent.

— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 20, 2014

"He can't drink the Easter egg dye." Submitted By: Ashley http://pic.twitter.com/SsRvbqaA4k

— ReasonsMySonIsCrying (@ReasonsMySonCry) March 28, 2016

When did "Easter crafts" become a thing? What happened to the good old days of putting an egg in all the dye colors & watching it turn ugly?

— Danielle Herzog (@martinisandmini) March 22, 2016

Serious question. When does the Easter Bunny come by to pick up all the kids he just loaded up with candy? #parenting

— Beau Coffron (@lunchboxdad) March 28, 2016

FYI: Talking into a half-eaten hollow chocolate bunny makes your voice louder, in case anyone needs their Easter candy to be more obnoxious

— Wendy S. (@maughammom) March 30, 2016

My kids have figured out every hiding spot I have in this house, so I guess I have no choice but to finish this stash of Easter candy now.

— Ash (@cray_at_home_ma) March 29, 2016

How Easter candy is really made http://pic.twitter.com/EuEJpTSIUz

— Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) March 27, 2016

A cute and scientific thing I tell my kids is that the Easter Bunny's body would flop around for several minutes after decapitation.

— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) March 28, 2017

Pro Tip: Christmas lights can double as Easter lights if *you* leave them up long enough. *we*

— Six Pack Mom (@Six_Pack_Mom) March 7, 2017

4 yr old son: "That Jesus guy came back from the dead and saw all these people? So then he's a zombie?"#Easter

— Danielle Herzog (@martinisandmini) March 27, 2016

5: here's the thing about chocolate: it's delicious. Me: is that it? 5: yes. Me: ok. 5: and I found an Easter egg from last year & ate it.

— Mike Reynolds (@EverydayGirlDad) March 2, 2017

Jesus died on the cross so you could put pictures of your kid's Easter basket on Facebook.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) April 5, 2015

I forgot to post a picture of my kids in their Easter clothes on Facebook yesterday and now DCFS is knocking on my door.

— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) April 21, 2014

*Morgan Freeman narrates "Alex thought he'd controlled his demons, but as soon as the Cadbury Easter Eggs went on display, it was all over."

— Once Meh, Always Meh (@TheAlexNevil) January 15, 2017

While we were sleeping, did Easter become Halloween Part 2/Mini-Christmas?? (Some of these baskets, man.)

— Nicole Blades (@NicoleBlades) April 21, 2014

Celebrating Easter by being woke up at 5:15am and letting my kid her weight in chocolate before the sun comes up just like the Lord intended

— Tim (@Playing_Dad) March 27, 2016

[Wipes chocolate from face and brushes candy dust from lap.] I hate those cliche tweets about parents eating all their kids Easter candy.

— Kelcey Kintner (@mamabirddiaries) March 28, 2016

Hey Gals, don't forget to check Pinterest today for ideas on upcycling your Easter bonnet into an April Fool's Day chapeau.

— Housewife of Hell (@HousewifeOfHell) March 30, 2016

People who say “Hoppy Easter!” make me feel like Jesus isn’t risen.

— Sammy Rhodes (@sammyrhodes) March 27, 2016

Real text to my husband: "Easter stuff is ready for the attic. But, please, whatever you do, keep the Christmas welcome mat outside okay?"

— Jenna Fischer (@jennafischer) April 13, 2016

Behind every photo of kids coloring eggs is a parent screaming and threatening to take away Easter.

— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) March 27, 2016

My 8yo son asked for a smart phone for Easter. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Everything about that phrase is ridiculous.

— Lady E (@LadyEdotMe) March 6, 2017

The Easter Bunny doesn't talk, so here are the kids awkwardly looking at each other like, What do we do now? http://pic.twitter.com/iTMDTx2VWe

— Aaron Schmidt (@byaaronschmidt) March 26, 2016

What came first? The tantrum over leaving a giant basket of candy at home, or the egg hunt? #Easter

— dadpression (@Dadpression) March 27, 2016

Bummed Easter is over. Now which candy/gift bestowing mythological creature am I supposed to use to extort good behavior out of my children?

— John Kinnear (@askdadblog) April 21, 2014

-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.

from http://ift.tt/2orswP4 from Blogger http://ift.tt/2oYrcDP

[imreviewblog]

49 Tweets That Sum Up Easter For Parents

Easter is less than a week away, and parents are gearing up for egg hunts, creepy bunny photos and serious sugar highs.

As with any holiday, having kids makes Easter extra chaotic ... and extra hilarious too. We scoured Twitter and found 49 funny tweets from parents about celebrating Easter. 

Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don't like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year. Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that's weird.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) March 28, 2016

Just explained to my kids that sometimes an evil bunny comes and eats kids' Easter candy on the night of Easter.

— Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) March 28, 2016

I forgot to buy Easter eggs for the hunt this morning so I told my kids that this year the bunny hid them REALLY well.

— Brian Hope (@Brianhopecomedy) April 5, 2015

My kids can find 75K plastic eggs hidden outside, but they can't pick up one Lego in the middle of the walkway. #Easter

— Beau Coffron (@lunchboxdad) March 27, 2016

Step 1: Paint Jesus on an Easter Egg. Step 2: Hide the Easter Egg. Step 3: Yell, "You need to find Jesus!" At all the little children.

— Will Rodgers (@WilliamRodgers) March 27, 2016

It's 10:30 at night. Should I tell my kids to give up on the Easter egg hunt or just let them keep looking?

— Darin Loves Bacon (@darinlovesbacon) March 28, 2016

Based on all of the practice my daughters get looking for shoes, Easter eggs don't stand a chance this year.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) March 27, 2015

Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don't remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.

— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) March 24, 2017

Shoutout to all the parents who wrestled their screaming toddlers into Brunch clothes this #Easter.

— Ana Gasteyer (@AnaGasteyer) March 27, 2016

This is my family after our Easter brunch. I share it b/c NO ONE ASKED THE EASTER BUNNY TO POSE WITH US http://pic.twitter.com/OEFYDmgqag

— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) April 5, 2015

Kids really do make the holidays magical and bright. Like, take Easter for example. Did you know vomit comes in pastels, too?

— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) March 27, 2016

For real Easter dinner fun, serve rabbit to the kids' table.

— Once Meh, Always Meh (@TheAlexNevil) March 27, 2016

My 8 year old said that he hopes the Easter Egg Hunt is more of a challenge this year so I'm buying a bunch of mouse traps.

— Brian Hope (@Brianhopecomedy) March 17, 2016

The Easter baskets are down to just robin eggs and black jelly beans. This is my official cry for help.

— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) April 1, 2016

Please let that be chocolate. Please let that be chocolate. Please let that be chocolate. - Every parent on Easter

— Ramblin' Mama (@ramblinma) March 27, 2016

Still waiting for this toddler to find the Easter Eggs that are literally sitting in the grass right in front of them.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) March 29, 2016

My kid started using air quotes when saying "Easter Bunny," so I started using air quotes when talking about his "Easter candy."

— qwertygirl (@qwertygirl) April 4, 2015

*8 year old walks into kitchen* "Daddy, I have some questions about the Easter bunny." *wife walks into kitchen* *I cartwheel out*

— Brian Hope (@Brianhopecomedy) March 29, 2016

Parenting Tip: Strip down to your skivvies before stealing your kid's easter candy so you can pretend to be sleepwalking if you get caught.

— HammBone (@hammbone84) April 6, 2016

Toddler found two and a half eggs at the Easter egg hunt. Yeah, HALF. No one was messing around during that thing.

— dadpression (@Dadpression) March 27, 2016

Hey, everyone! Look how much Easter I'm having! *Posts all the obnoxious kid and bunny and Easter basket and egg hunt pictures*

— Walking Outside (@WalkingOutside) March 28, 2016

Do you think Easter is the number 1 holiday for child vehicular barfing?

— Jessica Grose (@JessGrose) March 27, 2016

Easter: Hunt for eggs. Day After Easter: Can't go anywhere without seeing and stepping on plastic egg tops and bottoms.

— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) March 28, 2016

One fun part about Easter is how your kids spend the entire day getting jacked up on candy and then you remember it's a school night.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) March 28, 2016

We covered our backyard in candy-filled Easter eggs. My 1-year-old picked up zero eggs and one piece of dog poop. Money well spent.

— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 20, 2014

"He can't drink the Easter egg dye." Submitted By: Ashley http://pic.twitter.com/SsRvbqaA4k

— ReasonsMySonIsCrying (@ReasonsMySonCry) March 28, 2016

When did "Easter crafts" become a thing? What happened to the good old days of putting an egg in all the dye colors & watching it turn ugly?

— Danielle Herzog (@martinisandmini) March 22, 2016

Serious question. When does the Easter Bunny come by to pick up all the kids he just loaded up with candy? #parenting

— Beau Coffron (@lunchboxdad) March 28, 2016

FYI: Talking into a half-eaten hollow chocolate bunny makes your voice louder, in case anyone needs their Easter candy to be more obnoxious

— Wendy S. (@maughammom) March 30, 2016

My kids have figured out every hiding spot I have in this house, so I guess I have no choice but to finish this stash of Easter candy now.

— Ash (@cray_at_home_ma) March 29, 2016

How Easter candy is really made http://pic.twitter.com/EuEJpTSIUz

— Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) March 27, 2016

A cute and scientific thing I tell my kids is that the Easter Bunny's body would flop around for several minutes after decapitation.

— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) March 28, 2017

Pro Tip: Christmas lights can double as Easter lights if *you* leave them up long enough. *we*

— Six Pack Mom (@Six_Pack_Mom) March 7, 2017

4 yr old son: "That Jesus guy came back from the dead and saw all these people? So then he's a zombie?"#Easter

— Danielle Herzog (@martinisandmini) March 27, 2016

5: here's the thing about chocolate: it's delicious. Me: is that it? 5: yes. Me: ok. 5: and I found an Easter egg from last year & ate it.

— Mike Reynolds (@EverydayGirlDad) March 2, 2017

Jesus died on the cross so you could put pictures of your kid's Easter basket on Facebook.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) April 5, 2015

I forgot to post a picture of my kids in their Easter clothes on Facebook yesterday and now DCFS is knocking on my door.

— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) April 21, 2014

*Morgan Freeman narrates "Alex thought he'd controlled his demons, but as soon as the Cadbury Easter Eggs went on display, it was all over."

— Once Meh, Always Meh (@TheAlexNevil) January 15, 2017

While we were sleeping, did Easter become Halloween Part 2/Mini-Christmas?? (Some of these baskets, man.)

— Nicole Blades (@NicoleBlades) April 21, 2014

Celebrating Easter by being woke up at 5:15am and letting my kid her weight in chocolate before the sun comes up just like the Lord intended

— Tim (@Playing_Dad) March 27, 2016

[Wipes chocolate from face and brushes candy dust from lap.] I hate those cliche tweets about parents eating all their kids Easter candy.

— Kelcey Kintner (@mamabirddiaries) March 28, 2016

Hey Gals, don't forget to check Pinterest today for ideas on upcycling your Easter bonnet into an April Fool's Day chapeau.

— Housewife of Hell (@HousewifeOfHell) March 30, 2016

People who say “Hoppy Easter!” make me feel like Jesus isn’t risen.

— Sammy Rhodes (@sammyrhodes) March 27, 2016

Real text to my husband: "Easter stuff is ready for the attic. But, please, whatever you do, keep the Christmas welcome mat outside okay?"

— Jenna Fischer (@jennafischer) April 13, 2016

Behind every photo of kids coloring eggs is a parent screaming and threatening to take away Easter.

— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) March 27, 2016

My 8yo son asked for a smart phone for Easter. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Everything about that phrase is ridiculous.

— Lady E (@LadyEdotMe) March 6, 2017

The Easter Bunny doesn't talk, so here are the kids awkwardly looking at each other like, What do we do now? http://pic.twitter.com/iTMDTx2VWe

— Aaron Schmidt (@byaaronschmidt) March 26, 2016

What came first? The tantrum over leaving a giant basket of candy at home, or the egg hunt? #Easter

— dadpression (@Dadpression) March 27, 2016

Bummed Easter is over. Now which candy/gift bestowing mythological creature am I supposed to use to extort good behavior out of my children?

— John Kinnear (@askdadblog) April 21, 2014

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from Healthy Living - The Huffington Post http://huff.to/2pmklAE

[the-short-stouts-tavern]

To Dalaran With Love

“It’s really weird to see Dalaran so populated.”

The trio hovered slowly down from the high vantage point they found themselves in. (Nittenook has some pretty bad aim) As they floated, they took in the vast improvements Dalaran has seen since the Northrend campaign. Despite Stormwind’s struggles, it seems like the floating city was more than able to secure their finances after dealing with the various conflicts in the icy north. It may also be due to the extra contingencies built into the city after Jaina Proudmoore took control following the destruction of Theramore. Very secure, but emphatically Alliance-only territory.

But that is in the past. Now, Dalaran is floating in the Broken Isles under the control of Archmage Khadgar and the Council of Six. With the combined forces of the Alliance and Horde, the Council hopes to obtain the Pillars of Creation and seal up the Burning Legion’s portal once and for all.

“Aye, Nysian.” Kegoc replied, landing gently on his feet near the market district. “It has a sorta...home feel ta’ it.”

“Yeah. City without trees is totally my home.” Nysian said, his sarcastic tone returning after becoming so close to the goal.

Behind them, Nittenook floated down, pressing a bottle of liquid into the baby tauren’s lips. “There, there. Milk will make you strong.”

The tauren giggled as it enjoyed the drink, its being slowly glowing with a blueish light. “eeee”

“Hmm, we should probably find Sareva.” Nysian said, watching the baby closely. Inside of that baby housed the Tears of Elune, one of the very Pillars of Creation they were searching for.

“Aye. She’ll probably be in th’ beer garden. She knows where she’d find meh.” Kegoc smirked as he began to walk.

“Ooof!”

With a thud, a goblin runs into the paladin, causing Kegoc to step backward. “Ack!”

“Hey, hey, watch where you’re goin’, huh? Sheesh.”

Kegoc narrowed his eyes. “...aye, same to ye.”

The trio shrugged and began to walk away. The goblin sniffed loudly and adjusted his all-too-familiar hat. “Pff...weirdos.”

Dweit and Pals: Holly-er Than Thou

The hustle and bustle of Dalaran sure beats the hot days of Orgrimmar. The mages are kind and have the city up high in the air for a cooler (and felfire-free) lifestyle.

Majority of the mages who stay here end up staying here for good. Magic people tend to stay. Alliance people also tended to stay even beyond the Northrend campaign’s end. Even the Horde did, before that nasty Garrosh business. I mean, that’s multiple choice at that point, but regardless. The point is that Dalaran’s back, baby. And the higher the city in the sky, the higher the profits.

That’s what a goblin said at some point.

And that’s why Tendorel is shirtless and sitting at a table near the northern bank, with a sign above him saying “Arm Wrestle a Blood Elf. Perfect Your Arm Job”

Ace looked up at the banner, then back down at Tendorel, frowning. “I don’t think the phrase ‘Arm Job’ is appropriate....or exists?“

“Nah, it does.” Tendorel nodded his head. “A blood knight mentioned it one time. They use the whole-”

“Hellloooooo, my gracious minions.” The two looked behind them and saw Dweit sauntering down the road, smirking. “A profitable day for me, as per usual. So how much did your make while I was at the market?”

“Well, we started with 5 gold. We ended up with...” Ace turned over her paper. “4 gold.”

“....how did you bozos lose money?”

“Drinks.” Tendorel replied, shaking his head shamefully.

“Non-alcoholic, of course.” Ace noted, scribbling another note on her paper. “We’re still careful about costs going too high in our budget.”

“Okay, first of all, teh ‘budget’ is akin to yous askin’ fer somethin’ and me sayin’ ‘no’. Second, a bunch of springwater is, like, 10 copper!” Dweit growled, stomping towards the two. “You would have to have...10000 bottles!”

“1000.” Ace replied without a second wasted.

“Still a large number!”

Tendorel coughed. “If it helps, it’s actually water from the local springs in the isles. Premium water. Very good stuff. Only a little bit of smelly vrykul taste in it.”

“Oh, yeah, your ancient piss-heavy water is absolutely worth 1 full gold piece!” Dweit sighed and moved his hand over his eyes. “I swear, you two are gonna kill me.”

“Relax, Dweit. Soon we’ll be swimming in that dirty water.” Ace smiled. “I got a job for us.”

“....you.” Dweit looked over at the priest. “You have a job.”

“Mmmmmhm.” Ace smiled, moving her hands behind her back. “A little bird from the watering hole told me that there’s a demon in Dalaran’s Underbelly. If we were to take out that demon, then we would find ourselves with 1000 gold pieces each.”

“Ooooo.” Dweit’s devious grin grew the length of a literal figurative Warsong field. “Not bad, not bad.”

“And I must note, I did not need to be blindfolded for it.” Tendorel chimed in. “ It was purely with both eyes open.” He pointed at his eyes for emphasis.

“Well, this is good. Come tomorrow we’ll have a demon’s head in our bag and enough money to clean it after!” Dweit rubbed his hands together. “This is a very profitable position that-”

“Ohohoh...yous guys is cute as buttons.”

Dweit’s eyes widened, then narrowed into a natural goblin snear as he, along with Ace and Tendorel, turned their heads towards a nearby stairwell.

On top of that stairwell stood another goblin. Her form tiny but her body showing fair amounts of muscle, which must be needed for the giant axe on her back. (granted, a giant axe for a goblin is, like, a throwing stick for a tauren) Her metal glove laid upon the hip of her garish armor, her eyes hidden underneath a bit of a silly top hat. It was most assuredly swiped from a Gilnean, possibly with the head attached with how dangerous that axe looked.

“...ohhh, good. I was wonderin’ if yer ‘highness’ decided ta’ come ova’.” Dweit said, walking forward with a smirk.

“Aww, didja have a litta’ hope in me missin’ anotha’ chance ta’ ruin yah profit margin, Dweeb?” The goblin snickered, moving her hand over her mouth.

“....should we...” Ace asked Tendorel.

Tendorel shrugged.

“Ah! Wow, ya’ tellin’ me teh big man neva’ told ya about all teh times he lost big? Almost like he took’em personally. Heh.”

Dweit muttered softly, then turned around to his companions. “Ah, sorry, lackeys. This here is ta’ ‘eluuuustrious’ Holly N....Nuh.....oh, what was dat stupid name...?”

“It was Ni-”

“Nozzlefume?” Dweit interrupted the goblin.

“...Ni-”

“Noggenflog?” Dweit smiled.

Holly’s eyes narrowed. “....it’s Ni-”

“Oh right! Nuzzlefu-”

“OY, SHUT UP.” Holly jumped down from the stairwell and stomped over to Dweit. “What’s teh big ideah, ‘uh?”

“Haaaahahaha!” Dweit began a rumpus laugh, slapping his hand over his knee for comical effect. Ace and Tendorel awkwardly joined in.

“Ohhhhh...” Holly spat on the ground, moving her hands to her hips. She then smirked. “Think ya so cool, huh.”

Dweit snifffed, moving his hand over to his eye to wipe away a fake tear. “Oh, maybe. What’s it to ya, brass n’ tack?”

“Well, ya’ won’t be laughin’ fer long, toots.” Holly smirked. “Cause I’m gonna be teh demon slaya’ in this town. The three of yous can skedaddle.”

“Pfff.” Dweit moved his hand over to his mouth. “Please. I know yah got a good swing on dat axe, but I betcha can’t even aim it at a demon’s foot, let alone teh head. Meanwhile, I got my ELITE mooks over dere!” Dweit thumbed his way to Ace and Tendorel, who were less excited about being mooks than anything else in the world. “Whatya got, Holly?”

“Him.”

Holly pointed up to the roof of the Scribes' Sacellum shop, where a lone figure stood above them all. Elf in stature, the figure jumped in the air, bringing out two gigantic demonic wings as he floated gently down to the ground, landing in front of Dweit. Slowly the elf rose up, seemingly staring down at the diminutive goblin, though nothing but a bright felflame came from his eyesockets.

Dweit stepped back slightly. “A-ah...so that’s an-”

“An actual demon hunter...” Ace responded, eyes wide.

“.....nice.” Tendorel looked the demon hunter up and down. He gave the demon hunter a thumbs-up, but immediately brought it down considering how offensive it may be.

“Meet Mr. Denarye.” Holly walked over to the elf, smiling at him, rolling her tongue with the name playfully. “My tank.”

“......p-...pffff...” Dweit waved his hand lightly in the air. “Whatever. So you got a demon huntah.” He continued waving. “What could he possibly do fer ya?”

“Good question.” Holly smirked. “Denarye, dear? What do you think?”

“I will hunt the demon down.” The elf replied, cracking his knuckles. “And with pleasure I will sever its pathetic head and present it to the Council of Six on a silver plate.”

“...............nice.” Tendorel replied, before getting smacked on the head by Ace. “Ack.”

“Hmhmmm....he’s quite a specimen, huh? Betta’ than any good-fer-nothin’ shaman.” Holly smiled. “Hope ya weren’t plannin’ this fer a career, Dweeb. Cuz soon, teh only thing rollin’ in this town will be demon heads an’ my sacks o’ gold. Gold ya won’t be takin’ this time.” Holly snapped her finger which caused Denarye to pick her up with one arm, which is quite a feat considering the armor she wore. She blew a kiss at the three, gave a wink, and motioned for Denarye to bring his wings out and jump up into the air, carrying her off.

“.........”

The trio stood silent for-

“Who the hell was that?” Ace asked immediately, looking at Dweit.

The goblin sighed, then moved his hand over his hat, lowering it over his eyes. “I don’t wanna say.”

“She seemed pretty....forward with you.”

“....”

“Didn’t seem to like you, either.”

“.....”

“And I think she may want to humiliate you and kill y-”

“Fine.” Dweit interrupted her. “She’s my ex-wife. Happy?”

“..........”

“.........”

Tendorel coughed. “Well, I’m not. Can’t believe I wasn’t the best man.” (.)

TO BE CONTINUED