#some of this art is from a few months ago
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striped carnations.
characters. hwang hyunjin, reader, lee minho + special guests
genre. angst, flower shop!au. words. 5.6k
synopsis. upon hearing the news that your boyfriend is going to propose to you, hyunjin realizes that he's had feelings for you all along
fic contents: hyunjin is both a chronic overthinker and a hopeless romantic. needless pining. angst. heartbreak. talks of marriage and relationships. suggestive content: hookups; heavy make out + implied drunk sex.
đ if you think you've seen this before, it's because you have! I deleted it like a month ago lmao....but here it is again <3
Hwang Hyunjin has always been a big fan of flowers. A flower can describe the emotions behind every pivotal moment in oneâs lifetimeâa wedding, a funeral, graduation, or a life-changing eventâthough not limited to only those situations; Hyunjin's love for, and belief in flowers reaches across all occasions and sentiments. His admiration of flowers as a whole goes beyond the smell, or how visually pleasing and/or vibrant in color they look. Flowers allow him to express feelings that he feels words simply cannotâeven if no one else around him understands it in the way he does. Hyunjin loves flowers because of the stories you can tell with them, and thus, he chooses to document his life with flowers.Â
As a small child, Hyunjin would pick flowers at the park for his mother; or one of his various personal art projects. A bundle of flowers bunched up in his tiny little hands as he ran to his mother with the widest, dimpled grin he could make. To his mother, the flowers are a sweet sentiment of his admiration towards the woman raising him. However, to Hyunjin they meant so much more than thatâa physical manifestation of a deep awareness that he couldnât find the words to explain until he matured as a person. This habit of gifting flowers out of pure emotion was probably the one constant in his life other than the crushing weight of heartbreak.Â
Heartbreak is much like flowers. It has so many different colors and feels, it takes on a multitude of shapes and smellsâand it is pretty easy to romanticize.Â
When Hyunjin was in kindergarten, he gifted a daisy to a girl he had a small crush on. She ended up stomping on them, but that didnât stop little Hyunjin from pining after her. The tradition of Hyunjin picking flowers as a romantic gesture continued in a slightly different way as he got older, and the helpless pining after something unattainable never stopped. Coincidentally, a few of his exes are named after flowersâthe unfortunate downside of that is that it still pains him to look at whatever flower the ex had been named after, even if they ended the relationship on good terms.Â
These are some moments and beliefs that have shaped Hyunjinâand his future.Â
In the second to last year of his high school career, Hyunjin began working at a flower shop close to his childhood home. Morning Glory Floralâlocated between a convenience store and a bookstore (both of which are frequented by Hyunjin)âis a tiny little flower shop that Hyunjin knows like the back of his hand. Heâd originally started out as a cashier and order taker until he eventually worked his way up to being one of three floral designers at the shop.Â
He typically runs the shop most days of the week, opening in the early morning and closing in the late afternoon unless he happens to work Thursday, Friday, or Saturdayâon those days the store is open until 7PM. Hyunjin usually arrives an hour, or sometimes two, before the shop opens just to get a headstart on things. He prints out invoices, splitting the orders between their typeâlocal, domestic/international; additionally divided between funeral, wedding, and those non-applicableâas well as making sure pre-made flower arrangements are ready for pickup. The shop is fairly busy on a normal day (although that typically comes down to season), therefore, a lot of Hyunjinâs time during the day is making sure things are running smoothly and without delay.Â
Floral design is an art. One of the many forms of art and creative expression that Hyunjin excels within. In his mind, floral design can easily be compared to architecture or interior design (both Hyunjin contemplated as career options). The vase is the foundationâwho or what is this flower arrangement for? What color helps express the emotions behind the arrangement? Thenâwhat flowers should be used (if the customer doesnât have a request)? What should be the focal flower that grabs people's attention? Do the flowers chosen represent the overall message? Which filler flowers and greenery should be used? The shape of the arrangement matters too. As do a lot of other minuscule details.Â
The details are important to him. Making sure the customer is satisfied with his creation is easy, hardly anything to worry about, but making sure that heâs satisfied with the work heâs done is an entirely different thing. A simple glance at Hyunjin creating a flower arrangement and it doesnât seem like it takes too much time or energy. He moves in fluid movements, placing one flower after the other, a blank expression on his face. In reality, itâs a time-consuming process and it takes a lot of thought and precision to create the arrangements he does. Still, his hard work pays off greatly. He didnât know heâd be where he is today, but heâs great at what he doesâwhich is why people always come back.Â
His favorite floral arrangements to make are the ones that have to do with romantic loveâa date, wedding, or anniversaryâsince Hyunjin feels it gives him a lot more freedom for creative expression. Like floral design, love is of significant importance to Hyunjin, especially romantic love. Seeing people express their love and admiration for each other via flowers is beautiful to him, as he is a hopeless romantic after all.Â
A small order of carnations arrived at the shop one morning. Unmarked and not on any receipt nor written in any book. Carnations are typically cut flowers (as in, used for decorative purposes), so consequently, itâs not unlikely for the shop to have extra, especially since Felix, one of the other floral designers, loves to use them for arrangements. The flowers catch Hyunjinâs eye in particular, not only because theyâre striped carnations, but because there are three of them, obviously not enough to do much with unless for a small arrangement.Â
Felix, as full of knowledge as he is, once explained to Hyunjin that during the Victorian era, carnations were used to speak very straightforwardly. Unlike other flowers that have many different, complicated, and often overlapping meanings, carnations could be used to respond to somethingâlike a love proposal. If one was asking another for their hand in marriage, the recipient of the proposal may respond with a yes by giving the proposer a solid color carnation, such as pink, white, or even red; however, the yellow carnations mean no. Striped carnations generally mean a refusal of love, almost regrettably so. I love you, but I cannot be with you. A message that Hyunjin is more than familiar with.Â
Perhaps itâs an omen. A sign that heâs going to fall headfirst into another relationship resulting in yet another heartbreak. A sign that if he falls for someone again, he may not get back up this time. Hyunjin often wonders if fate is realâhe knows it is, he can feel that it's realâbut has he been fated to fall in love over and over again just to reach the same emotionally catastrophic end that he always does? Maybe he did something in a past life that would warrant this anguish.
He shakes the thought from his mind, for the time being, choosing instead to blissfully and ignorantly fall victim to his subconscious. He wonât admit it out loud, and when the thought arises, he pushes it out of his mind in embarrassment, but Hyunjin loves the feeling of heartbreak. It stings. In both the worst way and the best way. And while he genuinely does hate heartbreak, itâs almost like heâs addicted to it.Â
And then the bell of the door rings, signaling to Hyunjin that thereâs a new customer. He looks up from behind the counter and his eyes meet Lee Minho, your boyfriend.Â
You and Hyunjin had met in the fourth grade. It can only be described now, all of these years later, as an instantaneous click. You both felt comfortable with each other and eventually opted to do everything together, very soon becoming the best of friends. From grade school to adulthood, youâve kept a secure friendship. Confiding in each other about everythingâwhen one of you is low, the other is sure to pick them up.Â
Thereâs a sheepish smile on Minhoâs face as he approaches the counter. The expression takes Hyunjin aback. The smile is surprising because Hyunjin swears that the older man typically has a permanent scowl on his face. Hyunjin greets him, giving a small smile and a wave.Â
âNeed flowers for a date?â Hyunjin asks, fixing his standing posture.Â
âFor something better actually,â Minhoâs smile grows wider, as if he cannot contain it. Hyunjin thinks this might be the biggest smile heâs ever seen across Minhoâs face. Minho places his hands onto the cold surface of the counter, lightly tapping in it. âIâm proposing this weekend.â
Hyunjinâs jaw drops in awe. Never had he thought Minho was a man interested in marriage. Not only that, this means heâd be losing his best friend to married life. Next thing he knows, youâll start having kids! His mind begins to race around, unforgiving.Â
When Hyunjin the two of you were younger, you and Hyunjin would talk about your hopes and aspirations for the future. Of course, the topic of marriage and creating a family entered the conversation. You expressed that when you truly love someone, thereâs no need to get the law involved for a piece of paper. Hyunjin couldnât help but laugh, he felt that your reasoning was a bit childish, joyous of true, deep love. However, when you told him that though, it put a couple of things into perspectiveâmost significantly, how you and Hyunjin are opposites. Hyunjin aches to get married and wants a few children too, he thinks the idea is beautiful. Still, for Hyunjin, the possibility of him actually getting married feels too far-fetched; unimaginable, and unattainable. Would anyone love him enough to want to marry him?
Minho breaks Hyunjin away from the depth of his mind. âI was thinking of a nice bouquet to give them, and youâre my guy for that.âÂ
Hyunjin exhales as he looks at Minho. He canât even crack a small smile. He feels he should be happyâbut something within him feels wrong. Someone dear to his heart is getting married and he canât even pretend to be excited. He should be happy for you. He knows he should be happy for you; but he cannot find happiness within himself at all at this moment.Â
Hyunjin and Minho arenât exactly friends. Had it not been for you, they doubt they would have even crossed paths. Itâs not that Hyunjin doesnât like Minho, heâs a cool, upstanding guy; but is he worth being your boyfriend? Let alone, is he worth being your husband? In Hyunjinâs perspective, absolutely not. Sure, from the things you tell him, Minho treats you with love, care, and the utmost respect, but Hyunjin thinks thereâs somethingâŚoff about him, even after four years of you and Minho being together. From Minhoâs perspective, itâs obvious that Hyunjin has a crush on you. Heâs teased you about it multiple times, but to you it seems highly unlikely that your best friend since practically forever would be in love with youâbut it happens.Â
âHere, Iâll show you the ring.â Minho fishes into the front pocket of his jeans, pulling out a black velvet box. He opens the box, places it on the counter, and turns it to Hyunjin.Â
The ring is gorgeous. Hyunjin can tell itâs been updated and has had a few repairs, probably a ring kept within the family. He knows this because after looking at so many rings, both through work and in his own free time (self-admittedly pathetic of him to just go looking for engagement rings and wedding bands while heâs desperately single), heâs starting to notice the small differences.Â
âWow.â Is the only thing that leaves Hyunjinâs mouth.Â
Minho continues to talk, but it all goes in one ear and out of the other. Hyunjin is lost within his head. One thought after another, layering and locking himself within his own mind. Hyunjin remains on auto-pilot for the rest of his conversation with Minho. Towards the end of it, Hyunjin fishes out the most pathetic fake smile he possibly could. Hyunjin, per usual, promises to do his best at making the best floral arrangement he possibly can. Before he leaves, Minho says something to Hyunjin that sticks with him for the rest of his day.Â
âTheyâve always liked your arrangements, so just do what you do best. I trust you.â
The carnations are back. Another three.Â
Coincidentally, they arrived on the same day that Hyunjin has to create the floral arrangement for Minhoâs proposal. Hyunjin canât lie, while this project was constantly on his mind; subconsciously putting all the pieces together one by oneâhe absolutely put the entire thing off until the last minute. Hyunjin has never once dreaded coming into work until now. Just the thought of working on the arrangement makes him sick to his stomach. But now thereâs no more time left.Â
Everything that Hyunjin needs for the making of the arrangement is spread out right in front of him.Â
He chooses a white vase as the foundationâwhite, along with being a symbol of purity or innocence, is also a symbol of new beginnings and marriage, the latter representing what the arrangement means as a wholeâsleek and rounded in an hourglass shape. Usually, for engagement bouquets, Hyunjin uses a clear vase to ensure that the flowers stay healthy and alive (of course while being taken care of). However, neither you nor Minho are any good when it comes to taking care of flowers, so Hyunjin figures he can do whatever he wants when it comes to his creation.
The foliage comes firstâHyunjin preps the stems, pulling off the lower leaves that might hang in the water, clipping the ends off the stems before they dive into the water. Floral arranging is not only art, itâs a science. The plants have to be inserted into the vase at an angle so that the arrangement can take shape. The arrangement needs to be balanced and colorful, preferably. Vase arrangements require layering, itâs easier to start with the heavier flowers first; two red chrysanthemums on opposing sides. He cuts the stems so that the flowers hang low in the vase, almost acting as a focal point if not for his statement flowers.Â
As a standard for his arrangements and bouquets, Hyunjin chooses flowers that signify love and new beginnings. He also needs to make sure that the flowers he chose actually look nice in the bouquet, as if not, he feels the need to completely start over.
As he works on his creation, Hyunjin allows himself to get lost within his thoughts. Everytime someone comes into the shop, a smile on their face as theyâre picking out flowers for their lover; Hyunjin feels something within him break, just a tiny crack at the surface of his identity. For a brief moment, with his work, heâs allowed to peak into the livesâthe relationshipsâof others. Everything from the great moments of excitement to the bad moments that hope and pray to be forgiven. All of it sends Hyunjin spiraling into the depths of his memory.Â
He remembers his high school years. Going back to classes after the summer he hit a growth spurt. His voice got a bit deeper, too. Suddenly, all eyes were on him. Hyunjin was desirable. Shy as he was, he enjoyed it. And after a few experiences, heâd seemingly gotten over his timid behavior, though still introverted. It was a strange time. He remembers falling deep into infatuation only for things to not pan out. Before the situationship begins, the sharp sting of heartbreak lingers.Â
Just a few months back, Hyunjin got his heart broken yet again when his now ex-girlfriend left him to get back with her ex; some total loser named Changbin, of whom she had been originally dating sometime before Hyunjin. Itâs not you, itâs me, she said. I just donât feel the same as you, she said. Maybe weâll meet later in life, or in the next, she said. He knew she didnât mean it. That she was just feeding into his past-life and karmic romantic ideologies to lessen the blow. Within that same week (at minimum, three days later), he sees a mutual friend post a picture from a double date including said ex and her boyfriend.Â
It stung. Badly. And heâs over it now. In fact, heâs so over it that he can hardly remember her name. Sooyun? Miyeong? See? He canât remember it. It wasnât the worst breakup that Hyunjin has experienced. Not by a mile. The worst actually was a couple of years ago, his longest relationship which lasted a year exactly, getting betrayed on the one-year anniversary of their one-sided love. The memory still stings, so Hyunjin prefers not to talk about itâbut once it comes time for self-reflection, he thinks of the memories in aweâsickly attached to the distant memory of something that failed to work out. What if? He thinks.Â
But three months (yeah, his most recent relationship was only three months; yes, heâs still a bit broken) with someoneâconstantly talking to them, getting acquainted with their lifestyle, seeing them often, kissing them, feeling themâchanges a person; for better or for worse. So, Hyunjin is lucky he got out of it with only hurt feelings. A faint tug at his heart and, understandably, anger surrounding the situation, if anything. Nothing unmanageable that he canât work or date away.Â
Past relationships have driven him into a slump. Depressed and unable to create or live, even, until he finds himself somewhere within the next personâboth metaphorically and actuallyâwhen heâs really at his worst; the âbestâ thing to do is to relieve his stress by burying himself inside of someone in an effort to escape intense personal feelings. This occasionally backfires whenever he catches feelings for whoever he fucks and the cycle repeats itself. Over and Over. An unfortunate life lesson that Hyunjin has to continue repeating: spiritually, possibly due to the sins made in a past life; but actually, because he rarely ever learns from past mistakes, especially if it has to do with romance.Â
Hyunjin, is, quite simply, a hopeless romantic in every sense of the term, but at a specific level of naivety. Aching to see the good in people or a situation even if it has near-disastrous results to his psyche. Before even speaking to someone, heâd have already envisioned their first few dates, their marriage, and growing old together. It embarrasses him badly. And no matter how many times he has to sit down with himself, reminding himself to calm down, that he should take things slowly, heâs already experiencing heartbreak.Â
Heâs tried the dating scene multiple times since this most recent breakup. A few dates here and there, and more than a few hook-ups as well (What can he say? Heâs a single man). He was mostly encouraged by other friends, and you, to reopen his Tinder account and get back out there. And Hyunjin, easily influenced, did just that. It didnât last long though, simply due to the fact that he found himself bored almost immediately after each date or hookup. Heâs simply wandering through life, boldly yet blindly, without inspiration.Â
Then he feels that spark. Itâs just as heâs putting the finishing touches on his creation.Â
That very familiar, almost sickening spark deep within his soul that he found himself craving after going so long without. Feelings. Of the romantic variety. For you. He can say that he initially realized them during a party hosted by a friend of a friend. You were surrounded by some of your close friends, drinking, and smiling all pretty as you do; and thatâs when it started. It was like the universe expanded in a way that could be physically feltâsimilar to that of an out of body experienceâan intensity that feels so right. He could damn near feel the temperature changing in the room due to some kind of universal shift. The vibrations of the music gets heavier, and the chatter of people blurs togetherâtime slows down but is going all too fast.Â
But perhaps heâs had these feelings for you for a while now. Maybe since you first met as children. Hiding them deep within himself. Covering up his feelings by searching for you through countless other people. Perhaps it is why many of his relationships never work out.Â
It has to be fate calling out to him. Hyunjin clings to this thought and the feeling that it gives him.
Hyunjin questions himself like he does every time he realizes that he has feelings for someone. What do I like about them? He ponders it. Though it doesnât take long for him to figure it out. Everything. He likes everything about you. From the way you type on your phone to how you order food at restaurants. He loves how concentrated you get when reading something and he likes how you walk a little weirdly. He likes your opinions and the way you see the world. Those small, specific things that make you who you are, are what Hyunjin loves. You as a person, inside and out. The good and the bad. All desirable and undesirable things.Â
This is bad. Really bad. The realization feels bad.Â
Hyunjin has had feelings for tons of his friends before. He never tells them, but if he does���because hey, life is shortâthen it never goes past a -with-benefits label. His friends mean a lot to him, and while a romance could strengthen a relationship, it could also weaken one. Some people are meant to stay friends. Perhaps that could change between you two. But it cannot. Hyunjin remembers one little fact: you are in a committed relationship. Of four years. With Lee Minho of all people.Â
What does Lee Minho have that Hyunjin doesnât? Heâs just as pretty. Just as charming. And heâs a few centimeters taller. Plus, heâs known you longer than Minho has. If anything happens, youâd certainly pick Hyunjin, right? But Minho wants to marry you and Hyunjin doubts himself as being ready for that type of commitment even though he craves it desperately.Â
By the time that Hyunjin has finally finished the final pieces of the floral arrangement and sneaks away from his thoughts, Minho saulters into the store. Speak of the devil.Â
Heâs smiling just as wide as he had days ago. Tonight is the night that he proposes, Minho informs Hyunjin. To which, Hyunjin congratulates Minhoâbut he hopes that you say no. He prays that you say no and, just to add insult to injury, you laugh in Minhoâs face, despite how crude itâd be. In the pit of his stomach, though, he knows that youâll say yes to Minho.
Minho leaves with the flowers after a few minutes of chatter; but not before he pays and leaves quite a hefty tip.Â
The rest of Hyunjinâs day goes by dryly. A permanent pout rests on his face, as noticed by his coworkers. Heâll just shyly smile so as to not cause any worry. Hyunjin remains on autopilot. Smiling, talking to his regulars and answering the questions he might receive throughout the day. For the most part, though, he retreats to the dark and cozy area of his mind.Â
â
He decides to take a refreshing walk back home. Itâs only about a fifteen minute walk, and he does it often. More time to think. His headphones are tight against his ears, but not uncomfortable. Hyunjin initially chooses to blast a soft, slow tempoed song before he switches to something more heavy and aggravated.Â
The music is cut and a millisecond later, his phone rings. Itâs you. Oh, god. Youâre going to rub your relationship in his face.Â
When Hyunjin answers it, thereâs an, albeit fake, smile on his face as if you could see him, and he begins to speak in a typical cheery tone. Heâs cut off by a sob. He canât understand a thing youâre saying and he panics. He stops in his tracks, hand curling to grasp at air in a panic. His eyes widen while he searches for any thought in his brain to console you.Â
âAre you home? Iâll be on my way, okay?â He informs you, voice filled with worry. âWe can stay on the line until I get there.â
And he stays on the phone with you until he reaches his home; and then the entire fifteen-block walk to your place. Avoiding the eyes of those who wonder whether he might be talking to himself. He hurries, speed walking the entire wayâand almost sprinting at one point when your sobs had suddenly gotten worseâin order to reach your apartment in less time than it would usually take.Â
Heâs buzzed into your building and within a few seconds heâs at the door of your apartment. He doesnât need to knock, as you open it immediately. Tears are staining your cheeks and you walk up to hug Hyunjin, not bothering to welcome him into your home.Â
Now, everything is seemingly on pause, and Hyunjin is comforting you through your own heartbreak. Once again, time is both slowed down and sped upâheâs present but still lost in his head somewhere. Still, he waddles the both of you into your apartment, and kicks the door closed with his foot.Â
He notices the flower arrangement heâd made just hours prior, sitting untouched on the kitchen counter.Â
âYou wanna talk about it?â Hyunjin questions. Dealing with those emotions, especially right after they surface, is difficult, and the last thing Hyunjin wants to do is push you into speaking about itâhe knows the fresh wounds of a heartbreak all too well. So, he remains by your side, patient, and comforting untilâifâyou decide to speak.Â
The two of you begin rocking side to side slowly. Itâs soothing, and youâre able to speak just quietly.Â
âWell, he proposed,â His stomach turns, tightening to the point where he becomes nauseous for a moment. Hyunjin even nearly rolls his eyes, but the thing that relieves him is the reason heâs hereâobviously you turned Minho down. That, or Minho dropped dead; but thatâs not as likely. Yet, the thing that nearly makes Hyunjin sicker is how much he hates that heâs happy that you declined the proposal.Â
âAnd I declined. I-I said I wasnât ready for marriage yet. Told him I wish we had discussed it a bit more before he did anything so weâd be on the same page. B-but I begged for us to stay together and he said⌠he said he couldnât do it.âÂ
You bury your head in Hyunjinâs chest, weeping a bit more.Â
âI know it hurts,â His words get lost in his mind somewhere, feeling as though he isnât adequate enough to comfort you.Â
âIt hurts so bad.â You grab his hoodie with your fist tightly, twisting and tugging at it.Â
âLetâs just cry it out. That always helps me.â He suggests, hand running up and down your back.Â
âCry with me? Like that scene in Midsommar?â You laugh through your sobs despite the hurt youâre in. Not that it matters to Hyunjin, of course. You can feel him laugh and, fortunately, it makes you smile.Â
âOnly if you want me to.â He unknowingly returns the smile. You donât respond, but you ponder itâeven as just a joke.Â
The room falls silent but the silence is comfortable. Thatâs what you love about being around Hyunjin. You intrigue him, and while he always wants to know whatâs going on in your mind, he never pressures you to speak. Sometimes, we learn more about ourselvesâand to an extent, other peopleâthrough silence.Â
The hug breaks. You fail to meet Hyunjinâs eyes. You walk off to sit in the living room and Hyunjin goes to get water for the both of you. He sets the glasses of water down and takes a seat next to you.Â
âWhere is he?â Hyunjin asks. His palms are sweaty, so he wipes them onto his jeans.
Your frown somehow deepens before you speak. âWent to stay with his parents.â
Silence. Hyunjin can tell that youâre lost in thought. He feels a bit odd. Individually, you both have gone through a significant amount of breakups; but each one is different from the last. Itâs been so long since youâve had your heart broken. To see you like this after so longâeyes red and puffy with a tear stained face, bottom lip quivering as you try to console yourselfâit breaks Hyunjin. He does what you would do for him.Â
âWhat will help take your mind away?â His voice is soft, barely above a whisper.Â
You ponder for a moment. âRemember back in February when you and Miyeong broke up? The sleepover we had while Minho was away? We stayed up all night eating snacks and watching romance movies,âÂ
He nods. Despite being deeply hurt to the point he got sick, the latter part of that week was one of the most enjoyable times that heâd had in forever. The two of you ate, drank, cried, and watched cheesy romantic movies (to which Hyunjin cried more). Through the stuffy fog that is heartbreak, Hyunjin was reminded that, sometimes, life isnât so bad.Â
âWhat if we did that again for a couple of days?â
Hyunjin ponders it, considers it, but⌠âWe both have work.â He pouts.
âNot tomorrow, though. I just donât want to be alone right now,â You need him. A crutch. A support system. And you know heâll never let you down. âPlus, you act like you havenât stayed over for long periods of time before! Remember the time that Jisung refused to shower out of spite so you slept over here?â
Hyunjin lets out a short chuckle. He knows that when he goes back to his apartment, itâll be left a mess. But for you, he doesnât mind cleaning up after Jisung. âFine. But only because I love you and I want you to feel better, loser.â
â
âYou just have to find your thing, you know?â Hyunjin takes another shot. Neither of you are sure just how many youâve both had.Â
âLike, you know, my thing is art, and flowers and, you know, expressing myself with them. Itâs the one thing I can always come back to and feel good about. Not betrayed, not hurt, or anything. But good. That shopâgodâitâs like the one place in this world thatâs for me.â
Heâs venting now. He shouldnât be. This is all about you. Tonight is all about you. So he cuts himself short, words still lingering on the tip of his tongue. Thereâs a momentary silence, eventually broken by you.
âAre you implying that you want to fuck your flower shop?â
âWhaâŚ? No! Iâm just sayingâŚIâm trying to help you!â His ears become red.
âHm. Not sure. Sounds like youâre confessing your love for your job,â Hyunjin looks at you with a face full of temporary disgust. âIâm jooking! Find my thing, something to express myself with, I know, I get it.â
âIâm sorry,âÂ
âDonât be.â
Silence once again occupies the room, planting itself comfortably between you and Hyunjin. Hyunjin doesnât mind the silence. You do, though.Â
âYou know whatâs kinda funny?âÂ
âHm?â
âMinho used to mention, from time to time, how he believed you had a crush on me,â You smile. Hyunjin, however, is caught off guard, eyebrows raised with his eyes slightly wide. âI would always laugh it off but part of me kept thinking What If?â
âWhat if I had been with you instead of Minho. I mean, you wouldnât propose to me without having a simple fucking conversation, right?â You ramble on. âYou wanna know a secret?â
âSure.â âTwo secrets! Itâs actually two secrets!â
âOne,â You tilt your head to smile at Hyunjin. âI had the biggest crush on you for years. But I was so hurt because you kept going after literally every fucking body else. Wish you had paid attention to me.â
âAnd Two!â You continue, not as sad. Ignoring the previous sentences that came from your mouth. âI wish I could kiss you right now. Would you let me?â
He canât believe the words that come out of your mouth. For a moment, Hyunjin feels ill. Heâd somehow missed the signs. You wanted him, too. His eyebrows string together in a brief expression of sadness. He shakes it away. Hyunjin nods and leans in, his eyes close and he puckers his lips. Within a second, he feels your lips on his and then your hand on his thigh.Â
Sparks. Thatâs the only way that Hyunjin can describe it. Your mouth is warm, wet and Hyunjin can only melt into you. The two of you melt into each other. Lips mashed together as your tongues slip into each other's mouths, swapping spit. At this point itâs more than kissing. Itâs heavy and messy. Itâs full of hurt and passion and the feeling of being missed. Or having something missed out on. Uncertainty. Neither of you have come up for air to interrupt the makeout session. Losing yourselves within each other's mouthsâlips and tongue, occasional teeth.Â
You end up climbing atop of him to straddle. Breaking the kiss to pin Hyunjin to the floor. You stare down at him, searching within his eyes. âDo you want me?â
âSo much.â The two words leave Hyunjinâs mouth desperately. Heâs in anguish.Â
He tries to sit up, to chase your lips but heâs properly pinned. You plant one soft kiss against his lips. You stand, beckoning Hyunjin to follow you to your room; disappearing into the hallway. And Hyunjin does just that; leaving his sober self to pick up the pieces of a drunken, immoral night.Â
Š PLANETDREAM 2024
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Even if I haven't been very active lately, 9 years is still pretty significant- happy birthday to the blog!
So like Percy up there I'm gonna do so dome reflecting. This blog's where I've often done that for some reason, but here's the tl'dr for blog related stuff.
⢠I would like to keep drawing stuff but feeling generally unsure in myself, and I'm wondering if all the years of fandom harrassment have caught up with me ⢠I have one big project in mind, I've been dipping my toe into what I'd need to do it. No spoilers but it was one of the first things I played around with this series, so do with that what you will ⢠If I can keep myself drawing, I want to use more of the original source material since I'm struggling with original ideas. So stuff like redraws, hOpEfULlY even animatics, just like what originally got me so into trains yknow? Because that's fun and sparks joy. And that always goes down a treat with you guys so bonus â˘Â As always I appreciate you guys not coming after me for being so inconsistent
The rest of this is me doing what Percy's doing in the drawing and reflecting, as there is indeed much 2 think about. It's also a little sad and venty so, there's your warning there.
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Ok so obviously a busy year, we moved into our new house that we actually own, I spent most of the year planning our wedding, and then got married. Big stuff. Also! I came off antidepressants in the summer. I've been on them for...basically as long as this blog, 6 months after I started it I think. Which also means I'd been on antidepressants my entire adult life. Feels like a big deal and I guess I'm still adjusting.
Another big thing, but sad, is that my dog died about two weeks ago. If you follow me on twitter you'll have seen her but she did make an appearance here a few Halloweens ago
I got her when she was 13 and had her 8 years after that. So that's been difficult. Unrelated to that (probably), but I just feel...really mediocre. And before you point out the obvious, this has been present even before I came off antidepressants. But yeah just... mediocrity. In myself as a person, how I look, what I draw, my whole life really (barring my marriage thankfully). What have I achieved? I'm 26, I'm not working, I don't feel well, my art isn't good (I don't think so anyway- like yeah it's technically fine I guess but it's not, and has never been, very stand-out or impressive). And lately art doesn't bring me the same joy it once did, and I'm wondering if all the years of harrassment from this fandom (mostly the twitter side, tumblr's been pretty good to me) has finally caught up with me and put me off the whole thing. Or worse, that I just don't have as much of an interest in it anymore. I don't think I'll ever be like "ok yep I'm officially done with this blog" because I'm so stubborn but idk. I want to make things and be creative, I want to make more train art, but it doesn't feel the same. I don't know what's wrong. What do you listen to? What you want vs what you feel? I still enjoy train stuff, I love going to Awdry Ex every year. It's been like this for awhile. It's not even like I have a strong feeling of what I'd rather be doing as far as careers go. And even if I did, oh yeah I'm sure my two degrees in animation will be very relevant in another field (sarcasm). I feel adrift. My sails are open but there is just no wind. Planning my wedding gave me something to do and work on and just, feel useful but now that that's over I feel lost again. Losing my dog, who had become the center of my life because of how vulnerable she had become, hasn't helped.
On the more creative side of things, I also don't really know what to do with this blog's story either. The show's ended as far as most people are concerned, and I kiiinda wrote myself into a corner because once Thomas turns 18 he's going to leave for university, and that sets off this whole arc with James but basically the problem is it involves characters leaving and for some reason that feels like a no-no here. Don't get me started on the timeline lol. But Thomas works on a railway on Sodor, that's how it has to be...right? I guess I'm sort of at a crossroads of, ok do I want this to be close to the source material, and thus easily digestible to newcombers? Or do I want to make it more and more my thing and distanced from the source material? I doubt there's many new people coming since the series ended. And even then, there's a lot more humanization artists around now than when I started, so it's not like I'm filling a niche anymore. Just to be clear it's fine and also good that there's more humanization artists, variety is good, I just don't feel as "needed" anymore (which is 100% in my head and not an actual role that belongs to me or something). I started this blog when I was 17, so my interests and what I relate to have changed obviously. The character designs certainly have. It's never followed a super rigid story plan, but the core of it has always been the central cast doing things on Sodor. I however have always had a scene/project/animatic/whatEver in mind for when this 'series' would '''officially''' ''''end''''. But then what comes after that? I've always tried to run this blog like they are Real People that You interact with. But in real life there is no ending to the story, there's always more stuff to come. You get married, and it's wonderful, and then life goes on. The credits never roll. So maybe that's what I'm having trouble coping with...the progression of time. Ah, my old nemesis. I've always had trouble with letting go of things. There's nothing to say that I couldn't still draw stuff after the series "ends". I guess any story after Thomas leaves could be like... a sequel series or a spin off or something. Spin-off of a spin-off. Famous 8 All Grown Up. Famous 8 Qurter Life Crisis. Who knows. I certainly don't.
I've also been really into an original project unrelated to this but those don't get as much attention and while I'd like to do something with it one day, I don't feel very confident in being able to make that happen right now. But you know... as far my as art not being super spectacular goes... I think my individual talent has always been is my ideas, like the writing side of things. And then brought to life with my art, which normally isn't anything to write home about but is good enough to convey the idea and be not-awful to look at, lifts both of them beyond what they were individually. Maybe that's what I should focus on. Maybe that's wishful thinking.
So....idk. Idk what I'm doing but I'm trying to be gentle on myself and just let myself continue to drift, to heal from this heavy loss, and then in the New Year I'll try and pick myself up. Then there will be no more big once-in-a-lifetime events coming up, no more just-moved-into-a-house-and-oh-no-there's-a-bunch-of-things-that-need-attention-NOW scenarios, and no more big holidays for awhile. I guess we'll see.
If you read all of this I am so sorry but also thank you for reading my ramblings. And thank you for being around, whether that's been for a few months or for several years, but especially if it's been several years
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regretevator art dump part 2
#regretevator#regretevator art#roblox#roblox art#regretevator lampert#regretevator wallter#regretevator folly#regretevator frank#regretevator sarah#regretevator crem#regretevator unpleasant#crem x unpleasant#unpleasant x crem#some of this art is from a few months ago
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I've been having a delightful time stumbling over my emojis being used in random servers, so here's more
#It's seriously so funny to see an emote of mine in random conversation from a private server#emojis#art#rain world#Some people went even farther and apparently started using other art of mine as emotes#Which is fine but absolutely buck wild to stumble over#Since some of the art they chose is literally wip versions of my current pfp#??? Sure I guess đ#rw survivor#rw monk#rw saint#spearmaster#Most of these were requests. The rest were just the emojis I use the most turned into scugs lol#You get to decide which was which lmfaoooo#Also here's some lore: a while back I made 'hunterwheeze'#and the bit was everyone liked it so much they wanted it in the server#So I said bet and threw a bunch of emotes to the staff to hear their thoughts#And way more than I thought got added!#Except for hunterwheeze đ¤Łđ¤Łđ¤Ł#Instead they chose a super edited screenshot of some animation frame I made a few months ago I added last minute for giggles#Which I was DELIGHTED by. It's perfect#Also the only instance of the emote since it's technically not on this blog đ not transparent anyway#Oh and here's my favorite 'wild' emotes I've found:#1) that person that dmed me to reveal there was an animated emote for every variation of rivulets face I made that one time#(I was not allowed to join the server)#2) discovering an emote has been in use for months in a server swathed in drama and in the throes of being orchestized from the community#3) that one nightcat-saint emote appearing on a random server announcement (it's so niche I was astounded anyone used it lmfao)#Most sightings are totally benign but these were just hilarious
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#buggy the clown#dracule mihawk#sir crocodile#hawkbug#monkey d. dragon#monkey d. luffy#marshall d. teach#laffitte#bughawk#dragodile#my art#too many names to tag#im really tired lately so heres some fast drawings#ranging from few days to few months old#i didnt ship bughawk till i drew this#and buggy is the t0p lolsorry#also to the anon who asked for dragon x crocodile months ago i hope this counts#one piece
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Seeing the sky islands for the first time
#my art#fanart#tloz#tloz totk#tears of the kingdom#the legend of zelda#totk#uhhh gonna be posting some drawings from a few months ago#Iâm never really caught up on tumblr nowadays
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chat imma be honest that project diva PC release has had lasting consequences ,
#vocaloid#hatsune miku#art#doodles#dat me#comic#ms paint#life is paint#i should get in on that animation meme. for my obligatory july animation that i always get possessed to do.#i sourced these sonas from my actual old art on my deviantart and here on tumblr. weeps#this blog is too ooooooold#10 years old ..................#technically the ipod isn't dead but the battery is shot so it only holds charge for maybe a half hour if you use it#i still have it. it lives in my desk. i just charged it for the first time in 7 years a few months ago so i could rebuilt my#authentic middle school vocaloid playlist as a youtube playlist. AND add to it#268 songs and counting! there could be even more on here but i had to delete some in middle school cuz my ipod could only hold 8 gb#My ipod was literally filled to the brim with vocaloid. I had to delete some 50 songs over time so if i didn't i would be over 300 now#do you guys remember the chunky rubber wrist bands of the late 2000s and early 2010s. miss those
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đ¨âEYESTRAINđĽâ GAHHH anyway hyperpop ouck ^_^
have stupid idiot grunt too. i d..on't l ike him...
#my mood the past few days lmfoa#im trying to draw more . possibly to distract from the depression but completing things helps with the serotonin ^_^;#puck summerdream#tank grunt#sims 2#ts2#shart#cw eyestrain#cw bright colors#ofc i like tarnkie btw đĽş.... literally themed my blog after him some months ago. gba/ds songs and all#my two fav weirdos ever#help the disparity between my pfp and this puck art đđđđ im NOT changing it btw i love my old shitty drawings
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remember that i'm ALIVE but minty isn't unfortunately
#zeno's art#ocs#soulstice circus#minty#also do you remember that death game train thing i was working on a few months ago GUESS WHAT I PICKED IT BACK UP!!!#might post some redesigns soon#anyway this sketch is from a few months ago#i'll try to comb through my ibis gallery to find stuff to share over the weeks because when i say INACTIVE i mean prob for several months#like expect things to go back to normal around july-august đ if youre from the UK you can prob guess which exams i'm studying for#and you should know that they're a BITCH#anyway zeno out. biology revision in.
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I've got a BlueSky page! I forgot to post it anywhere! Tumblr is a stickler for only allowing "advertiser friendly posts" (I'm not even gonna get into that, you've probably already heard), so I'm gonna be putting some of my more advertiser unfriendly content on BlueSky, along with the rest of the stuff on this blog!
#It's Caffichai on BlueSky too#Yeah I make some spicier stuff but just never posted it anywhere. So if you're into that I'll be putting it up slowly over there!#I am aware that the site is still in closed beta but it seems decent so far#It's Lote-chan from a few months ago! I didn't think I was gonna ever draw her again but somehow she materialized in my mind out of the blu#So now she is a character I guess!#Pixel art#digital art#bunny#artists on tumblr#rabbit#art
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Worry is like a rocking chair, it keeps you occupied, but it gets you nowhere
I am very happy to present to you all my fanart I made for @vashwoodbigbang event! Made in collaboration with @snowpoet123 - author of the absolutely amazing bittersweet fanfiction that you will be able to read on her AO3 account! And here is a direct link to her workâ¤
Thank you @snowpoet123 for everything, it was fun to illustrate your work đ§Ą
#vashwood big bang#vashwood#vash the stampede#nicolas d wolfwood#kuroneko#trigun#trigun art#its been a while since i last drew anything#i just had definitely less time and inspiration for drawing lately or even visiting tumblr really#and i guess now i won't be as active as i was few months ago but im gonna do something from time to time#but still i see almost every time i am here some likes and reblogs. its so nice of you guys thank you#im really glad i decided to participate in this event. otherwise I wouldn't have drawn anything during this time i guess#and the opportunity to draw them in this peaceful way was also the best thing i could have got#traditional art
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today's keiji is: keiji n sara if they were designed by me...... 2!! the sequel
#i actually drew the lines for this one months before the 'original' drawing but i. didn't like the way it looked for some reason........#but i remembered its existence today and thought it actually looked Alright so i colored it :) more of a prequel than a sequel#i like sara's bow. why'd i scrap that in the other drawing#your turn to die#yttd#keiji shinogi#sara chidouin#man the me from a few months ago REALLY wanted keiji to show more cleavage huh. well not like that's really changed#my art#daily keiji
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Updated refs for my beloved ocs to rotate in my head
#ocs#elaine#reid#i struggle so much with refsheets it makes the perfectionism bug in my brain activate like no other#but i do like how these turned out they are already an improvement from some rudimentary art fight refs i made a few months ago..!#i love these guys my biologists with issues lol. i want to post them here more i must set them free into the world#but they do have some basic toyhouse pages linked in the desc if you are extremely curious
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Realising I have so many cool unposted commissions
#commission#dnd#Dungeons and Dragons#soc art#elf#tiefling#minotaur#i didn't realise I had so many!! ToT#and some are from a few months ago too omg#ive been so busy i need to get back into socials#and art!!#anyway this was a cool collection :)
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Dragon maid Byleth for Maid Day
#byleth eisner#mbyleth#m!byleth#dimitri alexandre blaiddyd#fire emblem three houses#dimileth#mdimileth#m!dimileth#fe3h#quick drawing huhu its been a while#also dragon maid byleth again hehe#i was reminded of some dragon maid byleth art few months ago hehe#cute dragon maid byleth hehe#i want him to serve a flustered dimitri hehe#i think i want dimitri to suffer from byleth's cuteness
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inspired by this post
#marshall d. teach#one piece#my art#edward newgate#blackbeard#whitebeard#this is from months ago and i never posted it here. whatever just gonna post it for the few who care for a bit of angst involving bb#there isnt enough stuff out there focusing on his relationship with wb who you know... is his dad#shtty drawing but yea not interested in going back to it#ive wanted to draw more about wb and bb for a while but havent#ill probably compile some old drawings later that i never posted to tumblr and post it here#just remembered this was based on a post i read by labyrinthofdreams
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