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wickedpact · 3 years ago

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You can't just drop that "I read Forces Multiplied" bomb on us and not give a ten page written reaction.

[cracks knuckles] if u insist

nicky cant drive hc: destroyed. rip. also i loved how andy and nile stole those sports cars and were being badass and driving off the bridge & meanwhile joe and nicky were just absolutely vibing in the van

'heres the thing about power: people who have it think they deserve it' [shot of police car] i see u greg

5 whole panels being dedicated to booker not being able to unlock his door. booker not even seeing noriko sitting RIGHT THERE in the window at first. incredible

noriko being 24/7 horny was surprising. like wow all of the stuff i saw she did out of context was 100% equally horny in context as it was out of context. love that for her

i didnt think the 'andy + slavery' thing was handled as badly as everyone made it out to be when telling me about it. tho from the way it was talked about i had kind of figured the conflict between andy and nile re: slavery would be really racially charged (esp considering nile is a black american and would obvs have Thoughts on the subject in that regard) but like,, done in a cringey 'a-white-guy-obviously-wrote-it' kind of way? but it wasnt that. i mean. it makes sense that andy would be implicit in slavery through the years

i mean, like she says, is that not what people just did to each other in the aftermath of battles for thousands of years? and i really like how its pointed out that it was what she was raised with (in the beginning when you see her put shackles on that guy after the battle) but she also accepts responsibility for it and acknowledges that it was wrong and not just 'what people did'.

i like how from her expressions you can kind of tell baby andy knew it was off but she sets those feelings aside bc she felt angry. it explains how she felt but didnt make her out to be blameless in it. plus i mean. i dont know, the fact that andy was involved in a lot of morally shady stuff for 7000 years is not that wild for me. if you live that long youre just Going to be involved in some shit, and she didnt even have other immortals with her as positive community influences, she literally just did whatever the fuck she wanted for thousands of years

'i was worshipped as a god once' i mean, yeah no shit she wouldve been involved in some seriously fucked up stuff, gods were fucking scary back in the day

tldr it could use some polish but it wasnt that bad

tho everything people said about moose being boring was unfortunately a little true. sorry king i tried to be interested in you

joe and nicky writing verbal fanfiction about nile and moose was iconic. 'you seeing that?' 'i am definitely seeing that'

it was also extremely funny bc that was like 60% of their contribution to the whole comic, besides kidnapping copley. they came, they wrote some fanfic, they left. kings. at least in tog1 they had an excuse to be useless bc they got kidnapped

joe just found out his old friend who he thought was dead is alive (and also probably wants to murder them) and instead of investigating with andy he stopped to help nile up. champ.

nicky shooting noriko through andy was cool. rip to the concept since it wont happen in tog2

wanna see mr ejiofor deliver this line

on that note imo copley was. weirdly enough, more interesting in fm than in tog1. to me at least. the fact that andy let him live and he was so haunted by what had happened that he came back and sought them out despite knowing they would likely kill him for it bc he wanted to not only make up for what hed done but also to tell them what theyd done for the world was admittedly more interesting than andy just kind of drafting him to the cause and him going 'okie'

i like how nicky was drawn in this one. in opening fire he looks like a blob man but in fm he looks more like a very nice grampa with a very good dye job

'theres no pain like a broken heart' andy 🥺

noriko implying andy's never drowned. .. .idk about that one, she musta drowned sometime

joe and nicky came, they waxed poetic about nile's love life, they waxed poetic about grog, and then they left.

sports bras being a reason humanity is good. i mean..... okay, yeah.

i mean. wild but you cant exactly tell her shes wrong

i liked how noriko telling andy that their purpose is to make people suffer coincides with joe and nicky finding out that they actually did good all those years

joenicky in opening fire: jail for booker jail for booker for 100 years

joenicky when copley tells them he knows where booker is: WE'LL KILL YOU WHERE IS HE

joenicky when copley comes back: if your vibes come off as even remotely rancid we Will destroy you

joenicky 2 minutes later when copley helped them find booker: he made up some ground :)))) <3 lov you j cops

theyre forgiving af

moose: how old are you?? a hundred??? a thousand???

nile [vine voice]: I M 2 7 ?

alright andy you got me there

joe texts like my aunt

i dont know why noriko drowning andy in that car tickled me. Bad And Naughty Andromaches Get Put In The Pear Wiggler To Atone For Their Crimes.

the drowning sequence was cool

copley trying to talk to andy while she was like o_o at him was great

ive hit the picture limit but id seen that panel where nicky goes 'forgive me' as he kills a guy out of context and it was HILARIOUSLY anticlimactic for me to discover that there was literally no context to it. nicky just apologizes to random people he kills. i thought that guy was someone he knew or something. nope its just Some Guy that nicky didnt know from adam

nile's complaint that andy was especially brutal to the guys on the boat... i mean. . , how exactly does one kill a man with an axe and not be brutal about it?

it was funny how noriko kissed andy and the only people who seemed surprised by that were nile and also andy

nicky and joe's complete non-reaction to finding out noriko is alive And Evil Now is endlesly funny. they just left her on that boat and neither cared. i get book and nile not caring but joe and nicky knew her, and they just have 0 input on the subject of what to do with her

pinstripe suit guy!

joe and nicky and booker packing up and leaving with nile

andy blowing up at nile was A Moment tho

i dont know, i get why people didnt like the ending but its. .. . it makes more sense in the comicverse. bc the squad doesnt really. .. interact outside of jobs? i mean, think of the moon landing story in ttt. that was booker and joe and nicky doing a job and andy only showed up a for a couple minutes after it was done. or the brunch in the first issue of opening fire. the squad arent as tight in the comic, and andy often seems to do her own thing outside of work, so andy saying 'i dont want to do work anymore' and the squad being like 'alright bye then' makes more sense in this universe than the movie one

also i feel like greg was Trying to set up a thing where nile becomes the Leader of The Squad after andy dies but like. its not very well done since. . . i mean, nile hasnt spoken to booker since opening fire, (and she only knew him A Day). and shes known joe and nicky all that time, but there isnt really anything that indicates that they have any relationship at all, much less one that's grown. in all the comicverse the only time nile and nicky speak is in FM, and in that scene nicky tells nile about noriko. nile goes from someone who needs to be set aside to have background knowledge explained to her to being the Leader of the group with nothing in between. it kind of... comes out of nowhere.

on the other hand tho... i felt really bad for andy thru the whole thing. well, i always felt bad for andy, but in this one she seemed so miserable, especially since it really felt like none of the others actually.... cared about her. when noriko came back no one asked andy how she was doing (big question ik, but it wouldve showed they cared at least), nobody ever expressed any concern for her, no one even really seemed to want to be around her. in opening fire everyone was more distant than in the movie of course, but there were little moments where she would joke with joe, or nicky would try and comfort her, or stuff like that, but in FM it really felt like they just didnt really care about her. & in opening fire it felt a lot like andy's relationship with nile breathed some new life into her, but in FM it felt like all they did was argue. i get theyre not *as* close in the comics but it really felt like the only person who cared about andy at all was noriko (which was probably also how andy felt) but it just seemed to come out of nowhere. honestly i was reading and i was honestly agreeing with andy that she might just be better off if she did just die. opening fire, on the other hand, never make me feel that way

tho everyone made it sound like when the squad split up it was one of those cursed 'the found family leaves each other at the end of the journey' tropes. but guys i mean,,, this is the second installment out of three. that isnt the End. theyll come back in the third one and Dramatically Reunite to fight some baddies (probably those 'others' noriko mentioned). im guessing yitzhak fits into that too somehow.

anyways it wasnt That Bad but it made me kind of sad and the only Sweet Found Family vibes in it were when they saved booker. also they shouldve beefed up that nilemoose romance, it underwhelmed me. 6.5/10

i also ABSOLUTELY understand all of greg's comments about how you couldnt make FM directly into a movie, he always said that it had no plot and. i get it now. it really didnt have a plot sdfghjkl

#nicoloalkaysani #it took me So Long to type this up #asdfghjk

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mattyslittleworld · 5 years ago

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Never Meant

I hear “What are we going through? You and me?” as I watch the sunlight literally tear through the black clouds that were hanging over my town. This is my favorite song by The National - Hairpin Turns. It’s so fucking brutal, and it seems like, to me, he is absolutely desperately fucking annihilated by losing whoever he lost. I’ve been there. And I thought I was going to be there again, pretty soon. I am currently pulled over in my car in a parking lot, as I was on a little drive through the neighborhood. Coffee and some beautiful, subtle music. The sun was out all day, and it’s t shirt weather. So me and Gionna’s ex boyfriends American Nightmare shirt (lol) went on a windows down stroll until suddenly the bright sky was filled with darkness. My one moment to forget about all of this madness was being pushed aside, I just wanted to pretend it was summer, shit was normal, and feel calm and collected, as if literal iced out trucks weren’t being filled with corpses outside of hospitals. We’ve all lost people, in a week, 5 deaths close to my immediate family, bringing my family itself stronger and closer together. Here I am driving into a storm, in a t shirt, just like the current state of American Society. Until.....the clouds part....and as I drive slowly down 35 north....the sunlight starts dancing in the most beautiful way. It was almost an epiphany and it made me think. It made me pull over - within the beautiful chorus of this National song...eloquently tiptoeing in the background. I felt calm. I smirked. If there was a god up top, I thank my guy. But it made me think - hey - we may be walking into a black cloud in just a t shirt, for we’ve been blindsided, but if you walk forward....maybe the sun will come and shit will be better than expected if we stand tall and be brave and love.

“What are we going through? You and me...”

Currently writing at 2:15 am - two days later than what appears above this.

I didn’t record any music today, unlike every single day of this quarantine we’ve all been locked into. I wake up, walk over to the mic, which is brand new - and pull up beats or pick up the guitar and hack away. Even if its horrible, its just important to me to get it out. Stack and stack and stack and stack. Ive discovered that during this quarantine - the isolation is making me look inward, and subconsciously pick away at the thing I’ve been chasing for the past few years that ive been so curious and scared about cracking open. But with no distraction of the outside world…because its literally shut down…it makes sense the little bits and pieces of this thing that’s been bleeding into my music….like I said with no distractions…POURS OUT OF ME effortlessly. Im like okay this makes hella sense. With dark city lights and the cage shit and even with the Albee shit I was like…okay this is a NEW DOOR. But do I walk through it? What do I wear? Can I walk back out or will it lock once I get in there? Is it a trap? I need more information. I need more clarity. So without me really knowing what’s in there - I feel like little bits and pieces have been bleeding into my work. And now I finally busted that fucking door down and it wasnt a room…it was the exit to the trap I was existing in my whole musical career. Now liberated. Now free. Now born. This has been so inspiring to me because what people don't really realize about this genre is that its a full on contact sport. Its competitive. Its similar to being an athlete. Which I was my whole life. Similar to basketball - you gotta stay in the gym and the more work you put in...the more shots you take...the better your jump shot is. same with this...theres a fucking skill to it. You can be really good at it. Or you can be trash. And you can utilize it in the most combative ways. It gives me something to attack and focus my need of competitiveness on. Another thing I can obsess over. The samples ive been using in my beats have not ever been used before. These ideas are brand new in this shit. The topics I am spitting about are so serious to me. I want nothing to do with the stereotypical rapper aesthetic - the gimmicks - the drugs….all that can fuck off. I want to make a difference and tackle drug abuse, depression, anxiety, anger, the violence ive seen my whole life, hardcore, my old friends, my new friends, my love life, everything ive experienced. Im using actual real names, with actual real life things that happened with 0 apology about how you feel about it. I want to utilize this to up the worth of my words and vocabulary and paint the portrait of my life. I want it to mean something. I want to make change. Even if its on a small level. Man I feel everything. Its insane how this could all be so evident with just non stop self reflection. You vs. You….who will you become? Like I said…wake up. Hit the mic or bring up beats and just cook. If that hits a wall…just study study study study podcasts and interviews for hours and hours and hours. After that ill play basketball, run a mile, work out, and take it down to Ozark lol. Im invested. I don’t do anything illegal cause im a lil bish ass pussy but I wanna do some crazy shit lolol.

Anyway, original point, I didn’t record any music. I was feeling restless and packed my shit and drove for literally 5 hours tonight. Went up 287. Hit a few nostalgic spots that I love so much and hold close to my heart. I listened to all the music ive been making. But mainly the objective was to just take a day to free myself of this grind and quarantine and be a fan of music….in the world….and reconnect with that feeling it gives you. I listened to early Alicia Keys, first Drake album, some Russ, some old folk shit, so much beautiful music. Damn it really moved me. 5 hours I drove around just visiting places that my heart are attached to. Those milestone places. Little ones….like a diner in Clark I went to once but something important started there. Or a venue in Hackensack called School Of Rock that I met my boy Alex at…when we attend a Horse The Band show together with a few homies and I got yelled at by some girl by the Merch table cause I used to be so fat and moshed so hard and punched like 14 people in the face and it was so not cool and so out of place lmao. I was in a awkward dress shirt I looked straight out of fucking Billy Madison. Horrible. Its always so interesting to me to return to places like this…after years and years and years of it only being a distant memory…to kind of return and prove it was real. I am such a different person now. As we all are. But I really drifted into a whole other land of opportunity that exists outside of everything I grew up around. Socially too. So sometimes it really does feel like everything and everyone I loved….everything I experienced…was just a dream and didn’t exist. It’s so odd. People I knew for 20 years…have no idea about anything I do now. They just see my social media. But that line is drawn. And vice versa - everyone in my life have 0 idea of my life prior. The people, the interests, the stories I tell are foreign. They’re like hardcore? Whats that? And meanwhile that was the most important thing in my life for literally 20 years….and if you told the people in my life at that time that the people in my life in the future wouldn’t even know what hardcore was….theyd be thoroughly confused as to why I was lying to them. But life goes on…and hey…sometimes you gotta take a trip down memory lane and cry in your car tears of joy that you don’t have to fucking fight loading in your gear anymore and you get to have platinum selling artists touch your beats. Or you get to sing songs with billboard charting artists, who have the biggest billboards you ever seen ,light up Times Square right above the spot you found a 100 dollars with your first love. If you told me that when I found that shit years ago id be like eat a dick we’re going to see Ceremony at the warren American legion peaaaaace lolol.

Side bar - im listening to the national again.

But this time the song “Quiet Light” and I want to point out that I think its magnificently adorable that a lyric is

“Im not the spiritual type…I still go out all the time to department stores”

I have literally no idea what that means but I think its mad cute.

Department stores are cute as fuck because “things” are cute.

Like little things to put on bigger things yanno lol?

I think this song is entirely too amazing to be released to the public, it really makes you question everything you ever made, and reality. I mean the line “between you and me I still fall apart at the sound of your voice”…OOF. Im just sitting here at 2:46 am on this Sunday, with my eyes closing for small moments to really soak in the beauty of this master piece. Whoever he is talking to ruined him. Ive been ruined, I understand and empathize with this. Primarily making rap and pop music it really opens up my taste to this indie type shit…really falls right into that open wound in the best way. It stings because it hits home so hard, but its so eloquent at the same time. Almost addicting. I want to take a lot of these sounds recreate them, and apply that to the music im making now that exists outside of this genre. I think it’d be crazy and it’d cross two worlds that haven’t been crossed. Damn im out here giving away the tea to you useless fuckers.

Last night I had a dream about an old friend, that I don’t think is healthy in this time of my life to be around….but damn…it was like I relapsed on the heroin of our friendship. It was the realest shit I have ever dreamt. I woke up - with the exact feeling you get when you go home after you hangout with somebody in the flesh. This whole day it was very real, and felt like I spent a whole night with them, and all my wounds were reopened, all the great times were revisited, and it was just brought to the forefront of my mental. As if we just met. Its crazy dreams can do that. Its just sad that this is such a toxic relationship, and the inevitable cannot be avoided, and a true bond that exists somewhere, deep deep deep down in it, has to be supressed because of the negativity it brings. In the dream we were older, existing without issues, exploring that bond, with issues pushed aside. It was beautiful. I woke up genuinely upset, confused, with a wish that maybe one day we could meet again In a place that’s safe and relevant to who we are. Im at a point in my life where I haven't answered the phone in month for anybody, answered text messages, my bags are packed waiting for this shit to be over with so the rest of my life can begin. Theres no time for friends, love, social activities, or anything that doesn't have to do with business. But there will be a time in the future. This has visited me in the past before. Its interesting when you have to suppress shit that’s extremely bad for you, because its the right thing for you to do…but then the universe bypasses that completely and shakes your fucking soul. During the rest of my day I started realizing that I am really not okay with this person not in my life, like deep in my soul. Its too much of a damn shame, we’ve been through too much together. Every huge milestone in my life as a kid was shared with this person…years and years of growth. Every story I share with people in my life now, was experienced with them, every amazing time, every horrible life altering time. I learned so much, and even taught. I became a young man with them, and then a man. How is it that these new people around in my life have my time…but this person doesn’t? One day we will meet again…when the time is right…..in a different time of our lives. When it’s right. For us. You were my best friend, and no matter how far we are from each other….I got you. In the depths of my soul and heart. Id literally kill somebody and go to prison for murder for you. But if you happen to read this - you already know that.

I am listening to “Never Meant” by American Football.

To quote Mike Kinsella

“Lets just pretend

Everything and

Anything between you and me

Was never meant

Was never meant”

-1-

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apsbicepstraining · 7 years ago

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Steven Caulker:’ I’ve sat here for years hating myself … This year was almost the end’

The QPR defender talks powerfully about his strives with mental illness, his addictions to gamble and drinking and why “he il be” thankful still to be alive

Steven Caulker has a fable to tell and, as hard as it is to hear, it is best plainly to listen. His stream of consciousness veers from scoring on his England debut less than five years ago and the excite at potential being realised to the frightening mental health issues a matter that have almost terminated it all in the period since. A actor who, from the outside, emerged consecrated with endowment and opportunity speaks of frantic nervousnes and self-loathing.

He entertained killing himself in his darkest instants with his path one of self-destruction. Endeavors at escapism rate him hundreds of thousands of pounds, compensations frittered away in casinoes. Then came the drinking is targeted at numbing the sting. The 25 -year-old notes himself recalling the times spent in custody watching CCTV footage of his misdemeanours, his lawyer at his slope, and not recognising the infamous being on the screen.

Football is still coming to terms with mental illness and Caulker, an international and a last-place linger remember at Queens Park Rangers of financially misguided dates as a Premier League club, has been an easy target. He is not was striving to make excuses or acquire sympathy. These are details he knows unpleasant to narrate. Ive sat here for years hating myself and never understand why it is I couldnt only be like everybody else, he says. This time was almost the end. I seemed for large spans there was no light-footed at the end of the passageway. And yet “hes not” residence a gambling since December, or stroked alcohol since early March. The healing process that can rehabilitate him to the top level is well under way, with this interview, one he attempted out, potentially another step on the road to recovery.

A little under a year ago Caulker had spoken to the Guardian about a life-changing week spent in Sierra Leone, of humbling yet invigorating benevolence work with ActionAid that had rendered him with a sense of view. He returned to be galvanised under Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink at Loftus Road and, having invested the previous season on loan at Southampton and Liverpool unfulfilling stints which fuelled his latent dangers was ready to give his all. Early season recitals against Leeds and Cardiff indicated confidence had been rebuilt, reward for a summer of incessant fitness work.

The trigger that they are able to mail him spiralling to rock bottom would be injury. He snapped his groin at Barnsley and played in pain for weeks, dreading a incantation back in rehabilitation, before succumbing to an accompanied hip objection. I owed it to QPR to try, he says, but I was naive thinking I could still perform with the weeping. He has not played since last-place October, with the period celebrated by personal ferment and, simply of late, resurgence. Talking publicly, he advocated, may place younger participates towards seeking assist if they find themselves trampling the same itinerary, or knowing the same gumption of desertion, in a merciless industry. The real hope is the activity, as gallant as it is, may eventually prove more cathartic for Caulker himself.

He recognises his football ability as a gift but likewise a swear. It took him from Sunday League at 15 into the Premier League four years later, to the 2012 Olympics with Great Britain and into Roy Hodgsons England side for a friendly in Sweden later that year. His talent has persuaded some of the most respected directors he is worth engaging. Yet, while he could still get away with it on the pitch, he lived in denial. It was more than six years into his busines before he admitted he necessitated assist. You always think you can rein it back in again and the money plies a inaccurate sense of security. But at Southampton I realised, mentally, I was extend. I wasnt playing, my job was going nowhere and I had to reach out to someone. Medical doctors there tried to help me but others were just telling me got to go on the tone and express myself.

There was no understanding as to what was happening in my leader. I know theyd returned me in to do a job and they werent there to be babysitters. Just like at QPR, I needed to justify the money they were paying me but I was in a state and, at some place, there has to be a duty of care. Football does not deal well with mental illness. Maybe its changing but the support mechanisms are so often not there. Ive spoken to so many actors who have been told to go to the Sporting Chance clinic and theyve accepted because they know, if they take time off, theyll “losing ones” neighbourhood in the team. Someone gradations in and does well, so youre departed. That dissuades parties from getting improve. You feel obliged to get on with things.

I would urge cubs to speak to the PFA, to speak to their director, and not be scared about being stopped if they are experiencing like I did. Be brave enough to say you need improve before its too late. The feeling Id ever involved something to take the edge off. Football was my flee as a kid but that changed when I was chucked into the first team as a adolescent and abruptly football came with distres. My behavior of to address it, even in the early stages of my career, was gambling. Im an addict. Im addicted to triumphing, which people say is a positive in football but certainly not when it extends to gambling. I was addicted to trying to beat the system, because you reassure yourself there is a plan to it and you can beat it. You can never get your brain around why you arent.

Steven Caulker, here celebrating after scoring on his England debut in 2012, says his football ability is a gift but too a affliction. Photograph: Michael Regan/ Getty Images

He has played 123 ages in the Premier League and for eight teams with the same, horribly familiar hertz of insecurity and self-destruction seeking him to each. There is always a catalyst to the nosedive. The sleepless darkness, sat up till 5am replaying every bad decision Ive ever became in my life, perturbing what will be next Tottenham moved me to Bristol City on loan at 18 and they set me in a flat in the city centre surrounded by nightclubs, two casinos opposite, the various kinds of coin Id never seen in my life, and no counseling whatsoever. I was plucked formerly by a member of staff and told Id been recognized in the casino at 3am but their posture was: What you do in your free time is your business. Just dont gave it affect your acts out on the pitch.

At Swansea a year later it was an injury which created it all to the surface, and Spurs communicated me to Boasting Chance to sort myself out while I was recovering from my knee but I wasnt ready. I hadnt experienced enough agony to form me want to stop. I was gambling heavily when I went back to Tottenham, biding up to crazy hours of the darknes in casinos. I guess never feeling good enough played a big part in that. I never appeared I was on the same degree as any of the first-teamers but a big win in the casino and fund in my back pocket might change that. Being stopped sounds me even more because football was what I had relied on to make me feel better. So then the gambling was every single day. The pain of forgetting all my fund, combined with the pity and guilt, ingest away at me. So Id drink myself into oblivion so I wouldnt have to feel anything. I was numb but I was out of control.

The chairman, Daniel Levy, eventually attempted him out on a post-season trip-up to the Bahamas. He just said: The room you act is phenomenal. You either sort yourself out or lead but I can assure you, if you leave, youll be going down , not up. I was young, stupid. I took it as a challenge, a chance to prove him wrong. I was so immature. So I went to Cardiff and, for six months, everything was amazing. I was chieftain, the manager, Malky Mackay, knew I had some issues but offered to be there for me. I experienced wanted, so there was no gambling , no heavy binges but the second largest he was sacked, all the beasts came back. Thats all it took. Even before we played the next game, Id persuasion myself good-for-nothing would be the same. Thats the kind of cataclysmic envisioning Ive had to address.

Steven Caulker, here playing for Tottenham against Arsenal in 2010, says he made a big mistake leaving Spurs. Photo: Tom Jenkins for the Guardian

I pointed up at QPR that summertime, 2014, trying to hold it together, but the prompt there came in the second largest recreation when we were pummelled 4-0 at Tottenham. That detecting coming off the tone at White Hart Lane, knowing marriage been humiliated and that Levy was sitting up in the stand thinking: I told you so There was no disclaiming it any more. Id made a big mistake leaving Spurs. I should have stayed and sorted myself out. I required the ground to swallow me up. It just pounded in my psyche: dejection, unhappines, bitternes. From that instant I was run, even if I never wanted to accept it, and there is nothing that intensified. Id go for days without sleeping. I dont known better I endured it. That time was an absolute nightmare.

It was a vicious circle. Wed lose at the weekend and the love would get at me, and Id be interrupting. I really wanted to help us get results but we werent good enough and Id walk away taking responsibility in my head for the whole crews flunks. I couldnt sleep, are concerned about what had happened. The only comfort I acquired was in booze. It would silence the tones of indecision and self-hate, temporarily regardless, but Id be too intoxicated to go into teach, and the blackouts Id have no remember of anything. It could be Monday and Id have no remembrance of what had happened since Saturday night. Id wake up, roll over and look at my phone, and thered be texts from people saying: Did you really do this last-place darknes? The director want to talk to you. It was petrifying because I didnt know what had happened.

There were occasions where reference is would wake up in a police cell. He pouts when asked how often he has been arrested, upset to admit the above figures, but the drunk and disorderly offences would flare up from London to Southampton to Merseyside. Sometimes Id be sat there with law enforcement agencies and my solicitor, watching the CCTV footage of what Id done, and I didnt recognise myself. I couldnt conceive the person or persons I was. Its so hard to accept I could be like that. In Liverpool I was waking up in the middle of the nighttime throwing up, people were blackmailing me, association proprietors and bouncers: Offer money or well sell this story on you. And I had no meaning what Id even done on those blackouts. I eventually told the sorority I couldnt function and needed to go back into rehab.

Things might have improved last-place season under Hasselbaink had the hip hurt, diagnosed as a week-long edition that became a complaint which induced five different diagnosis , not interpret him powerless is again. Id expensed the organization 8m, was one of the top earners and one of the few left from the Premier League, and beings had no explanation why I wasnt acting. Why I was absent. It ended up as my toughest year ever. I couldnt learn. My girlfriend lost her mother and was grieving while living with someone struggling with craving. My son, who lives with his mother in Somerset, is still in academy so Id go months without recognizing him. He had always been my safe place. There was no release.

QPR and my agent tried to push me towards Lokomotiv Moscow in January, saying it would be a fresh start. Portion of me contemplated the money they were offering could solve all my difficulties but why would being on my own out in Russia help? I had no feeling how to separate the cycle and is available on Moscow while still disabled only appeared a recipe for disaster. The director, Ian Holloway, was actually tell people to stand. Id been in his office close to rips, so he said: How anyone could feel sending you there would be a good theme is beyond me. You need to get yourself right. I realized him for that but, for the sorority, I can see why it was appealing to be shot of me but I was in no fit district to move and eventually pulled the plug on it.

Id had one last-place gamble and lost a blaze of a lot of money in December. A last blowout. It was at that point I lastly countenanced I could not win; that there was no quick fix , no more fantasizing I could save the world through one good nighttime on the roulette wheel. It was all a fantasize that took me away from having to feel anything. I entertained suicide a lot in that stage. A dark era. Everything Id gone through in football, where had it taken me? All the remorse, the shame, the shame, the public humiliation in the working paper and for what? I could cling to my son, to what Id done in Africa, or the dimensions Id bought their own families, but Id blown everything else. I calculate Ive lost 70% what Ive payed. When “were losing” that amount of money, the guilt thats so many lives you could have changed. There was no flee , no way out, other than to leave.

Steven Caulker says: In Liverpool I was waking up in the middle of the darknes throwing up, parties were extorting me, club owneds and bouncers. Picture: Sarah Lee for the Guardian

But, in the moments of clarity, I knew I couldnt do that because of my son. I havent gambled since but the drink crowded the void for a while. I was frightened and didnt feel like there was anywhere else to transform. Rehab didnt production before so why would it work now? I stupidly took convenience in the alcohol but it objective up deepening the depression. It was relentless from every slant. Until 12 March. Thats the day I lost my “drivers licence”. Thats when I realised my life had now become unmanageable.

Caulker was ordered to pay 12,755 in penalties and costs at Slough magistrates court at the end of March and was banned from driving for 18 months, having refused to blow into a breathalyser after police were called to a parking lot near Windsor Castle. I knew I was over the limit, I knew Id get the ban but I didnt want to tell my parents Id fucked up again. What if I had driven the car out of the car park and killed someone? No, that was it. Ive been up before a adjudicate four or five times. No more second probabilities. Its a incarcerate sentence next. I was still injured and unable to play, so I signed off sick. I went to see a specialist who diagnosed me with depression and nervousnes. He prescribed me medication and we put together a design where I would take some time away to sort myself out.

He and his lover travelled to Africa and India, is contributing to orphanages, homeless shelters and academies where the bear was exposed and obvious. He has attended countless Gamblers Anonymous and Alcoholics Anonymous gathers, and has reached out to support works in video games such as Clarke Carlisle for advice. He has not touched alcohol since his arrest in March. He takes medication, a feeling stabiliser is striving to match my high-priceds and lows, and address that substance inequality which draws my practices so cataclysmic, twice a day. Golf is a new, most constructive vice.

People say Ive done all this because Ive had too much money shed at me but I know teenagers without a penny who have the same addictive characters as me. Whether I played football or not I would still be suffering from this illness, precisely without the public pressure and mortification. Addiction does not care. I am a man of extremes. Parties dont find me doing the additional training, feeing right, going to the reserve every night to get fit, were represented at the anonymous convenes, doing the donation make. That is still me. That is who I am. But I get fucked by these other demons and I desperately necessary something in the middle. I feel like Im getting there now, that things have finally changed.

Im doing interesting thing merely to prompt me to stay on track. I could be relying on taxis to get me everywhere while Im banned but Im exploiting public transport. Im living in one of the owneds I own in Feltham, back where I grew up, to stir me recollect how hard I had to work to get out of here aged 15. Its a remember that, if I continue to unravel, I wont improve my statu again. Money considers the fissures. It can be evil. It prolongs the agony.

QPRs musicians reported for pre-season last-place Friday but Caulker, who has one year to run on his contract and has been improving all summertime with the former conference player Drewe Broughton at Goals centre in Hayes, had been signed off until July. Life at the golf-club had degenerated into an incessant flow of internal disciplinary hearings and, despite Holloway having become clear his desire to retain the centre-halfs business, his future will not is currently under Loftus Road. What happens next is all a bit perplexed, all a bit uncertain, he says. The manager has texted me several times offering his support and “says hes” misses me at the club but my brand-new representative has been informed by the owners Im not welcome back.

For too long Ive disliked everything about myself and I needed to learn to affection myself again. I miss video games like crazy. I dont detect as if Ive experienced playing football since Cardiff. I dont want to type my identify into Google and just see a roster of humbling narrations. I want people to remember I am a footballer who was good enough to represent his country at 20 and still has 10 years left in the game. At 40% of my ability, I was playing at the highest level. Now I feel good mentally and I want the chance to show people, including my son, what I am absolutely capable of. Wherever the opportunity starts, Im exactly appreciative still to be alive.

In the UK, the Samaritans can be contacted on 116 123.

In the US, the National Suicide Prevention Hotline is 1-800-273-8255.

In Australia, the crisis support assistance Lifeline is on 13 11 14.

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irregodless · 8 years ago

Text

so snake is still alive

it goes to great lengths to remind us that we CANNOT SEE HIS FACE OR TELL WHO IT IS ON THE BODY

the ninth mans bracelet fell off of him and was just lying on the floor and as he regularly does, seven left the door openable

which means that the face of the bracelet is most likely shattered because it would display a 9 if that werent the case

all hed have to do is put his clothes on another body (possibly the ninth mans?) and slip away

but i cant qutie figure out how he could have gone in there

if you go by the murder theory it only seems possible to work out if santa and lotus worked together on it. which doesnt seem entirely IMPOSSIBLE but perhaps unlikely

but its also pretty clear that snake got the ninth man killed i mean it isnt hard to figure out the “HIM” who got him killed was the one who had all the informations about reds deads and doors. i mean its already hella suspect that he has that information so it would only make sense for him to thereby use it to orchestrate an escape with some people straight from the getgo

which he then clearly would have used to set the stage for faking his murder

his sister clover was also involved in that situation which is interesting

now going by the submarine ending which is the first one i got and so far only one

junpei notes that lotus’s bracelet is missing but no one elses

the list of possible combinations for him to get to the nine door (which i mean why bother when theres a submarine unless the nine door is on the submarine) are:

(2+8=10=1) 2+8+5+3=18=9 2+8+4+7+5+1=27=9 2+8+6+7+4=27=9(i gave up here after having to do this for the second time after substituting 2+8 for just 1 and assuming that would work. it doesnt.)

barring any additional tomfoolery or MATHS. it couldnt possibly include the ninth bracelet because it no longer works (probably, and is indisposed if nothing else) (also youd think the least amount of bracelets possible the more preferable)

the only body of the four found dead investigated was clovers. by seven. he said clover wasnt breathing. clover could either be an actress (thus working with her brother to escape) or seven was lying or both. after all if seven was complicit in setting up the body (hed be able to carry it rather easily through the doors HE propped open) that means he and clover would have opened the three door to let snake actually that math doesnt work i hate this game for tricking me to do math nor do i feel like considering further combinations

im. gah i got sidetracked.

ANYWAY: snake seems confirmed to be involved. i mean. snake in the grass, obviously? lotus is involved because only her bracelet is missing. junpei is killed for seemingly no other reason (than being allowed to traverse freely) which makes me ASSUME they needed his bracelet (do they even still work after theyre unlocked? if not then like why take lotus’s? and if clover really can reduce her heartbeat to 0 then why bother with the process at all...)

but then why also were santa “clover” ace and akane and like one other person i think attacked? why didnt akane say anything to him? i dont trust her to begin with

unless the fact that lotus’s bracelet being off just meant she really was dead/stopped her heart? as in they instantly just POP off? which would make seven having his more suspicious?

but it seems most likely that

akane/june and/or clover attacked everyone for snake then crawled off and pretended to die seven killed lotus while they were on the other side and played dead then snake comes out, having recruited june and seven for the escape plan and fuck off

its possible killing junpei or ace was necessary because theyre so particularly virtuous. and lotus because she would NOT keep her mouth shut if she heard about an alliance that threatened everyone. shed make a counter alliance to attack them (i mean the concept of june betraying junpei isnt that big of a shock to me. theyd only known each other in ELEMENTARY school. thatd be like me dying for some kid i knew in first grade and never spoke to again. i dont trust june. i also dont trust clover but for different reasons)

so basically what im sayin is:

i aint got shit what the fuck is a nonary game imma die

#999 spoilers #xcept not really bc i have no idea what im talking about #the key points are: lotus's HAD to have been taken i dont trust june snake is def alive and there seems no point to killing junpei if you #dont HAVE to. killing the big group makes sense to me because it was the only way to separate from them/grab a bracelet they #needed for their escape

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apsbicepstraining · 7 years ago

Text

Steven Caulker:’ I’ve sat here for years hating myself … This year was almost the end’

The QPR defender talks powerfully about his strives with mental illness, his addictions to gamble and drinking and why “he il be” thankful still to be alive

Steven Caulker, here celebrating after scoring on his England debut in 2012, says his football ability is a gift but too a affliction. Photograph: Michael Regan/ Getty Images

Steven Caulker, here playing for Tottenham against Arsenal in 2010, says he made a big mistake leaving Spurs. Photo: Tom Jenkins for the Guardian

Steven Caulker says: In Liverpool I was waking up in the middle of the darknes throwing up, parties were extorting me, club owneds and bouncers. Picture: Sarah Lee for the Guardian

In the UK, the Samaritans can be contacted on 116 123.

In the US, the National Suicide Prevention Hotline is 1-800-273-8255.

In Australia, the crisis support assistance Lifeline is on 13 11 14.

The post Steven Caulker:’ I’ve sat here for years hating myself … This year was almost the end’ appeared first on apsbicepstraining.com.

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apsbicepstraining · 7 years ago

Text

Steven Caulker:’ I’ve sat here for years hating myself … This year was almost the end’

The QPR defender talks powerfully about his strives with mental illness, his addictions to gamble and drinking and why “he il be” thankful still to be alive

Steven Caulker, here celebrating after scoring on his England debut in 2012, says his football ability is a gift but too a affliction. Photograph: Michael Regan/ Getty Images

Steven Caulker, here playing for Tottenham against Arsenal in 2010, says he made a big mistake leaving Spurs. Photo: Tom Jenkins for the Guardian

Steven Caulker says: In Liverpool I was waking up in the middle of the darknes throwing up, parties were extorting me, club owneds and bouncers. Picture: Sarah Lee for the Guardian

In the UK, the Samaritans can be contacted on 116 123.

In the US, the National Suicide Prevention Hotline is 1-800-273-8255.

In Australia, the crisis support assistance Lifeline is on 13 11 14.

The post Steven Caulker:’ I’ve sat here for years hating myself … This year was almost the end’ appeared first on apsbicepstraining.com.

from WordPress http://ift.tt/2wBPG5y via IFTTT

#IFTTT #WordPress

0 notes