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kamisatomay018 · 5 months

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Was it worth it?

Zhongli x fem! Reader

Warnings: angst with no comfort, mentions of character death, reader has guizhong’s power and title

Look who’s back after ages with some heartbreaking angst-

Such a beautiful place, Dihua Marsh was..a place where you had so many wonderful memories. A place that contained the most beautiful and pure glaze lillies which were born from your power, from your happiness. Dihua Marsh, the very place you had met your beloved, your mate for life, your eternal lover Rex Lapis. Oh how you both spent countless nights walking hand in hand amongst fireflies that illuminated the dark sky. You can never once forget how serene the times were when he would lay his head on your lap while you sang for him in your melodious voice, watching the glaze ilies bloom and shimmer due to how pure your love was for the man in your embrace. And of course, the happiest day of your life when he knelt down on one knee, holding a beautiful cor lapis ring that he crafted for you himself, shimmering brighter than any star as he asked you to be his wife, making tears of how spill from your eyes as the only answer to this question was Yes, Yes in every world.

But oh how time plays her cruel game, snatching away everything we hold dear in just the blink of an eye. Now here you were, the ethereal and beloved Goddess of Dust, kneeling down on her knees, being punished for a crime she never committed. Blood trickled down from your chest to the ground, staining the glaze lilies and turning them to dust. The serenity of Dihua Marsh had now turned into horrors of war and blood, and most of all- betrayal.

There you were, the ethereal and beloved Goddess of Dust, kneeling in front of her very lover, her very mate, and her very executioner. Those golden eyes that once shone with pure and never ending love when they gazed into your very own were now filled with anger and hatred, blinded by the lies that he had been fed. His mighty spear that had slain so much evil and defeated so many monsters now pierced through your heart, taking away your life second after second while you struggled to breathe. Not even an ounce of pity was visible on his face, never once did his weapon hesitate or tremble as it tore through your skin, never once did his words falter or stutter as they accused you of betraying the people you loved so dearly, of betraying the man to whom you had pledged your heart and soul, the man whom you loved more than you loved anything else in this world.

Gasping through the excruciating pain, you looked up at him, eyes full of tears when you realised that the man in front of you was indeed Rex Lapis, but he was not your husband, he was not the man who swore to destroy the heavens for you. How pitiful, you thought, that the God Of Contracts had lied, for it didn’t even take the heavens but a few mere mortals to make him betray you and take the very life he swore to always protect.

But even as he tore through your heart and soul, taking your life away from you, you could not hate him. After all, your love was selfless. If taking your life would satiate him and bring him victory, then so be it. If he chose to believe his people over you, then you would not resist, your life was his to take. But as your life now almost slipped away from your grasp, you suddenly felt so afraid, afraid of death, afraid of suddenly ceasing to exist. And even though he was standing here in front of you, his eyes emotionless and devoid of any sort of pity as he watched you bleed and die so slowly, your hand still clad with the golden ring of your union weakly reached out to him..

“My love…will you hold my hand? I- I feel afraid..”

Perhaps you thought that he would show some mercy to you, not as your husband but at least as your god, but to your disbelief and anguish, he only scoffed, pushing the spear deeper within your heart making you cry out in agony and fall completely on the ground. Oh those beautiful golden eyes that once would show so much concern if you would get the slightest injury now did not even blink as you lay there, bleeding and dying because of him.

“Your audacity knows no bounds Goddess of Dust. First, you betray My people, and now you beg for My pity? Unbelievable. You ought to know that those who break the contract, shall face the wrath of the rock. You…shall never be forgiven for your betrayal.”

Even more tears escaped from your eyes at his words, but you looked up at him, your body screaming in agony but your eyes defiant, your once beautiful face now adorned with a sad smile.

“So you still believe that I betrayed..you? Then my beloved Deus Auri, heed my words…”

“You may write me down in history

With your bitter, twisted lies,

You may trod me in the very dirt

But still, like dust, I'll rise.”

And as you spoke these words, you breathed your last, welcoming the darkness of the abyss of death, letting it consume your soul. There he stood, watching as the the woman whom he would embrace every night dissipated into dust, the once ethereal Dihua Marsh dying with her. Every single glaze lily wilted and faded away along with its creator. The land turned barren, the glorious green trees withered away. All that remained was Rex Lapis, standing at the very place where he had met his mate, and now killed her.

As every speck of dust now surrounded the God, he fell onto the ground, not understanding why his soul ached in pain, even though he had done as he was supposed to as the God of Geo. Didn’t he do the right thing? Wasn’t..Killing his beloved his duty to his people?

Dihua Marsh..a place that held so many memories for Zhongli, memories that tormented every fibre of his being as he too eroded away, piece by piece with time. How long had it been? 2000 years…since the very moment he committed the biggest sin of all; taking the life of his mate, refusing to believe her and letting those foolish mortals achieve their goal. Zhongli fell to the ground on his knees, just like how you had, tears escaping his eyes. How could he be so cruel? How could he not believe the woman who had been with him all his life? How could he break the pledge he had made with his very soul, and kill her instead of protecting her?

He still remembers her cries of pain, her melodious voice that once sang for him begging him to stop and just hear her out. But he did not do that; blinded by anger and betrayal, he committed the most heinous crime. He had been the one to break their contract, not her. Those who break the contract, shall face the wrath of the rock. These had been the words that he spoke ever so eloquently that day, and now look at the irony, here he was, paying the price. His eternal punishment was to learn the truth, to learn of just how wrong he had been, and how his mistake can never be fixed. His punishment was to spend every single day of his long and endless life alone and in misery, watching every night in his nightmares how he killed you with his own hands.

There zhongli sat, now having given away his godhood and pretending to live as a mortal, amongst the barren lands of Dihua Marsh where he had so many cherished memories, but all of them were overshadowed by his greatest mistake.

As he sat there kneeling on the ground, crying in agony, he heard that melodious voice once more, the voice that lived forever in his heart. “Was it worth it, Rex Lapis?” He looked up in horror, watching as no one was around. But he knew he heard your voice, he was sure of it. “What..my love..”

He heard your voice scoff cruelly, just as he had all those millennia ago. “Your love? No Morax, I am not your love. I am gone, gone for good. What you hear now is the last piece of my consciousness that has remained trapped in this place, waiting for the day you would find the truth and come back here.”

“No please..forgive me my heart..I should have believed you..I should have never hurt you..Please, I am so sorry.” He spoke, head lowered in remorse as he himself realised how pathetic he sounded.

“Your apology is meaningless to me. Oh Morax..I loved you so dearly, even now, I cannot bring myself to hate you. But now, you must face your punishment. And perhaps, one day when your soul erodes into nothingness, you will get the chance to see me again. Farewell Morax, I will pray that you never see me again.”

And just like that, you were gone. But this time, not even your consciousness remained. And all Zhongli could do was sit there, broken and eroding, living the fate he had now carved out for himself.

#genshin impact #genshin fanart #genshin fanfic #genshin imagines #genshin angst #zhongli #morax x y/n #morax x you #morax x reader #genshin morax #genshin impact morax #morax #rex lapis #angst

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kazu-naito · 8 months

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some random rc opinions cause its 2am and i cant sleep:

• revealing that kingu was ultimately the reason why nikkal's problems (that affected her entire life) started - even if he didn't know/mean it - IN THE LAST SEASON was a very low blow. like after all this time you're telling me my man had been using her since she was a child and ended up being the reason why she became an orphan?? WHO APPROVED THAT—

• kazu is the best li on the entire app. period. idc if you have other favourites you can't find a single flaw on the dude. he set the bar too high no one's ever gonna come close everything about him makes me wanna SCREAM i honestly can't believe he was written by a MAN

• theodora is top 3 best books. the characters, the stories, the feelings??? unmatched. i felt so many emotions reading it i actually sobbed through a third of it. it's not in my top 3 favourite books but it's undeniable its one of the best written (i would go as far as to say theodora and lotw share the throne)

• s1 of heaven's secret 2 is the worst. i'm sorry but it was such a challenge to get through it i can't even- it's not badly written, that's not what i'm saying, it's just SO MISERABLE, every single character is miserable !!and i know that's the point!! but ughhhhhh

• vying for versailles has the best mc idc what anyone says or thinks SHE'S THE HBIC!!!! no one's doing it like her truly an icon

• dals has one of the best/most compelling stories. the ottoman storyline is extremely heartwarming and heartbreaking at the same time cause you know from the beginning its ending in tragedy. striking a deal to protect your loved ones only to see it ultimately fail and you're forced to live through 600 years of agony until they reincarnate and you get a second chance with them?? just inject it on my veins. now now i do think they're dragging it a little too much and it's now a bit boring but oh well

• i'm lowkey tired of the mc always being "inferior" to others, they're either inexperienced, poor, powerless, caged etc while the other characters are the opposite so the mc always depends on them in some way

• a book is only as good as its lis. there, said it. idc if you're writing the best piece of literature of the century if the lis are boring i will not be that interested oop and if its a shitty cheap book but with the loml in there you can bet i'll be even replaying that shit

• psi is like a gold mine. the beginning is bo-ring but once you get past like half of s1 you'll be simply amazed by how good the book is and once you get to s2 it's over for you like congratulations now you're hooked and there's no turning back welcome to the club!!!

#oh i have more to say but this is already too long so maybe see you tomorrow?#cause i really can't remember the last time i went to sleep at a decent time #romance club

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birbliophile · 7 days

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Hello, I hope you don't mind me sending this to your asks box. I couldn't really figure out where to best send the message, but I really wanted to express my heartfelt appreciation for The Taste of Goodbye, so I just decided to send it as an ask. I cannot properly express my gratitude with words alone, but it's worth a try.

First of all - and I'm starting to sound like a broken record here - I obsess over so many aspects of Dungeon Meshi and its characters. One of those aspects I obsess over is Marcille, and how she'd cope with inevitably outliving everyone she holds dear. I think she'd manage, but I wanted to see more stuff exploring that in particular. I've seen comics about it. Beautiful little snippets that leave a hole in my chest and a rope neatly tied around my lungs, but this is the first time I've discovered an actual story about it. And not just any story. No, no no… It's an expertly crafted masterpiece, written in a way that makes me feel emotions I didn't even know I could still feel.

I can't go into detail without spoiling anyone in case this is responded to, but what I can say is that each chapter is unique. With each passing comes a new banquette, and with each new banquette come valuable memories, which can be cherished forever. Sure, they're gone, but their memories and legacy remain. Even if everybody who remembers you has passed away, the world is ever changing and worth exploring. It is worth it to cherish every moment, even if you're the last one standing. You only live once, and every moment of life has meaning. I think Chapter 9 and 10 have some of the most touching, saddening and simultaneously beautiful and hopeful conversations ever. After dwelling on Marcille's lifespan for so long, I'm almost kind of ashamed I never discovered this story before, but now that I've read it, I am eternally grateful.

Your writing style is so perfect for this, the narration describing each action worked wonders for my vivid imagination, and I had no trouble whatsoever imagining these scenes as though they were actually happening. Reading about Marcille's reaction to each passing, as slowly but surely she outlives everyone she loves... It's heartbreaking. The agony of parting is almost palpable. Like a thick smog clogging up my lungs as tears stream down my face. But with each passing, there's a silver lining. Their memories and legacy remain. The people they met, the friends they made, they hold onto those memories and cherish them.

On a more personal note - which I think is necessary to properly convey my gratitude for having read this story - it's almost like coming full circle with the story of Dungeon Meshi and how it affected me. I've attended plenty of funerals, and I felt just as distraught, yet simultaneously hopeful reading this story as I did when I was attending those funerals. At some point though, I stopped caring. I was tired of mourning and shedding tears, and so I stopped crying. I desensitized myself so I no longer had to face the pain of loss, and it's made me very out of touch with my emotions. Dungeon Meshi was the first story I ever read, where I resonated with its characters as deeply as I did. For the first time in years, I was crying, and it hurt. Physically. I genuinely thought I was having a heart attack or broke my ribs, because I hadn't actually felt true sadness in such a long time that my mind and body almost felt like they were at odds with one another, as though my mind was out of practice with emotions, and my body was all too eager to teach it.

Dungeon Meshi has so many themes that stuck with me, and it drove me to feel something again. Something more than weird sensations stapled down under years of desensitization. In a sense, reading this story, about Marcille attending her friends' funerals, is like coming full circle. I was looking forward to reading this because it explored a topic I'm deeply interested in, but now that I finished it, it feels like it completed the story for me in a way not even the post-ending comics could. I wasn't expecting that, but I'm very glad.

I'm sorry if this is kind of an awkward rant, and I'm sorry if it's way longer than actually necessary, but I really wanted to express just how grateful I am I found your story. I am privileged to have experienced this, and my only regret is that I'll never be able to experience it the same way again. I look forward to reading more of your stories.

Thank you.

Wow! Imagine my surprise and delight to get such a kind and extensive comment about The Taste of Goodbye in my inbox! I needed quite a bit of time to compose my response, so here it is:

Marcille’s lifespan being so integral to the themes of Dungeon Meshi is something that also captivated me when I read the manga, and part of the reason I started writing TTOG was because at the time, the fandom was still growing exponentially and there weren’t a ton of fics on ao3 about Marcille and outliving her friends.

Grief has always been a major theme in my writing, which I honestly only recently kind of figured out. I often say I like happy, fluffy stories, and that is still true—a lot of my works are rather comedic in nature. But grief—the pain of loss, the way it can tear you apart and ache like a wound that will never fully go away, it’s something I find deeply human and fascinating to explore.

But it’s not really the pain that I find myself drawn to. It’s the love. There’s a quote from the game God of War: Ragnarok that stuck with me a lot and that I’ve thought about every time I write a new grief piece, and it goes like this:

“The culmination of love is grief. And yet we love despite the inevitable, we open our hearts to it…To grieve deeply…is to have loved fully. Open your heart to the world as you have opened it to me, and you will find every reason to keep living in it.”

It’s a fantastic summary of everything I adore when I write about grief. To write about grief is to write about love, about remembering everything that was good and bad that will never be again, but will always be carried in the hearts of those that survive. Similarly, when I write about death I like to highlight the beauty of life, of change, of what makes life worth living.

Every life is celebrated, wonderful in its own way, and no life is wasted if there is love in it.

I’m so glad that Dungeon Meshi was such an important piece of art for you, to get you to experience sadness and catharsis in such a powerful way. It’s so cool that art can do this kind of thing! I think good art is deeply important to humanity for this reason—it’s like carving out a piece of your soul and having it resonate with others like the song they never knew they were aching for.

TTOG is one such piece of my soul, and I’m both immensely surprised and grateful that it’s touched so many people. It might come as a surprise to many that I wouldn’t consider it my magnum opus—I didn’t set out to make it the best thing ever, I just wanted to write a story I hadn’t seen yet in the fandom, and like you said, to bring the story full circle regarding the themes around Marcille, life, and food. In fact, there are a few lines that I’m like “hm, I could’ve done better” and often I’m like “has no one noticed that I forgot the beach I mentioned in Chapter 5 does not exist?”

But I was very genuine when I wrote it—with all my writing I approach it with emotions that it would be easy to play cool or be ironic about. And I think it’s very clear in my narration how much weight and feeling I give to grief and to love. Which means I’m pretty satisfied with TTOG in the end!

You absolutely don’t have to apologize for sending me this, I can’t express enough how happy it makes me to get comments from people about how much they enjoyed the writing I create! To have your creation be so meaningful and inspire such deep emotions in others is truly one of the greatest achievements for an artist.

I don’t know if I’ll ever write anything that hits that hard for so many people again, but I do have a few concepts cooking that might end up having a similar energy to TTOG if I find the energy to complete them.

Since I mainly write for the Dr. Stone fandom, it may take some time for me to come back to my Dungeon Meshi projects. But I’m happy to see that if/when I do start posting more Dungeon Meshi writing, I’ll definitely have an audience of people who really enjoy my style and themes.

Thank you so much for taking the time to share your thoughts about TTOG with me, and I hope you have a lovely day.

Oh, and to anyone wondering, the fic mentioned here can be read on ao3 as The Taste of Goodbye by Birbliophile (that’s me, of course!) Warning for BIG end-of-manga spoilers!!

#dungeon meshi #delicious in dungeon #dunmeshi #asks #the taste of goodbye

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tillychmo · 6 months

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Holy sh*t, guys I just had a massive brainwave concerning Izzy’s ring on his necktie and what Con told us/let slip about it the other day … !

A timely TRIGGER-WARNING for violence, gore, heartbreak, dubious consent, and torture, before you move on from here.

In episode 109, when Stede is about to be killed by the firing squad, Izzy has his smaller tirade about it being “quick and humane” – on which I have seen multiple takes, usually responding to the fact that it sounds like he is still calling Stede a pet, and referring to him by this animal-coded language. (This was my original take as well. That he was literally comparing 'Stede getting shot by the british' to the humanity of 'putting down your dog, so it doesn't have to suffer'.)

But the brainwave that just hit me is this:

I think – in fact, in spite of this only hitting me like 38 seconds ago, I feel convinced – that these words are not referring to the ‘pet’-thing at all.

Izzy is talking about the love that HE lost.

Think about these lines:

“This is a humane way of ending it. It’s quick. It’s clean. Edward you know that!”

The man/person Izzy loved was killed – in an inhumane, slow, non-clean way. It basically sounds like he was tortured to death.

And I think Ed and Izzy both bore witness to this — that’s why Izzy is saying “Edward you know that!”. He is trying to remind him of the horrors they witnessed when HE lost his one great love. He is trying to protect Ed from going through the agony of what he went through.

(Note: This excuses literally none of Izzy’s actions in s1. I am only talking about how Izzy himself might’ve seen his actions – and what approach Con O’Neill might have had to this specific scene.)

Post-writing edit: The following almost became a very gory one-shot. So please only read on if you’re okay with that. (Same TW as at the beginning — gore, violence, torture, dubious consent, and massive heartbreak.) I wanna be quite clear – this is not entirely what I think happened; this is just what jumped into my head, as I had this brainwave. I am going to be writing a second version of this at some point, where I move A LOT closer to the points already made in canon (especially regarding a named character and a named animal, which does not appear in the one shot underneath here).

ONE SHOT:

I have this vivid image of Ed and Izzy standing in a crowd of pirates – with their captain front and centre, along with this young man who has done something that displeased the captain. The young man is a friend of Ed & Izzy – and he is also Izzy’s great love (though Izzy hasn’t dared to commit to him). It’s a sort of ‘trial’ but there’s nothing fair about it. The young man is being whipped, tortured and beaten – the crowd is excitedly yelling, egged on by a ruthless captain. Izzy keeps wanting to help the young man, but Ed is restraining him, knowing full well that if Izzy does anything that could let the captain know how he feels for the young man, Izzy will be killed too. Both of them feel like their insides are on fire, being forced to watch this. It escalates and the poor young man is turning unrecognisable – misshapen from the violence enforced on his body.

When the captain finally decides it’s time to disperse, the young man is still breathing, though barely. Other pirates are being warned not to go near him, or they’ll “feel the captain’s wrath”. Ed and Izzy are some of the last to leave – their faces dissolved in silent tears and agony for their friend. Ed is holding on to Izzy, to keep him upright on his feet. Izzy has lost all feeling in his body. The deck is covered in blood and water. The air is salty and smells distinctly of iron.

A few hours pass. The captain and the rest of the crew seem merry. Like it’s any other day. A couple of them only half-heartedly so, but they’re still joining in – not wanting to pull attention towards themselves. Ed and Izzy are there too. They’re not joining in, but they’re not sticking out either. Ed made sure they sat down at the corner end of the table – furthest away from their captain, and mostly in shadows. Close to the door, so they can sneak out when they dare to do so. Izzy’s not speaking. Neither is Ed – though he gives a cursory nod here and there to people handing them food and drink. Ed pours a glass of rum and hands it to Izzy, but Izzy grabs the bottle instead, not looking at Ed – not looking at anybody, in fact, but the captain. Ed drinks the rum in the glass himself, as Izzy takes a swig from the bottle.

At some point the captain – full of food and drunk on rum and spirits – starts nodding asleep at the end of the table. The other pirates are rowdy and don’t pay attention to anything other than rum, cards, and drunken singing anymore.

Ed and Izzy take the opportunity to sneak off and see their friend.

It’s after nightfall. As they move outside, they’re met by someone claiming to be standing guard (for sh*ts and giggles let’s hc that it’s Calico Jack – and he’s not actually standing guard over anything, he just went outside to take a leak over the side of the boat and now that he’s seen Ed and Izzy, he wants to see if he can convince either of them to ‘celebrate the night’ (barf, sorry guys, I really hate him 🤢) with a bit’o’buggery …) – neither of them is in the mood for CJ’s sh*t, but they also know that if anyone on this ship would be able to wake the captain from his slumber now, it’d be Calico Jack.

“Nah, man, we just wanted some air —” Ed says, putting a hand on CJ’s shoulder in the hopes of steering him back inside. Calico takes the opportunity to slide underneath Ed’s arm and press himself up against him, grinding his groin against Ed’s hip. Ed sends Calico a ‘flirty’ grin that Jack is too drunk and careless to realise is anything but that. Jack grabs a hold of Ed’s arse, and continues to grind up against him. Ed manages to motion to Izzy that he’ll distract Jack, so Izzy can go to the young man still lying on the deck. Izzy sends Ed a pained expression – but Ed waves him off, annoyed that he’s wasting the precious time Ed is buying him right now.

Izzy managed to sneaks off undetected, as Calico drunkenly leads Ed below deck.

The moon is showering the deck in misty blue-tinted light. As Izzy reaches the furthest end of the deck, he nearly slides on something, looks down and is stopped in his tracks. He has stepped in a trail of thick blood. He follows the trail with his eyes, and is met by the sight of the young man (I’m headcanoning here) – Izzy’s great love – lying before him, motionless and covered in blood, his limbs in horribly awkward positions.

Izzy’s legs give out and he falls to his knees. It’s like the air has been forcibly removed from his lungs.

He tries to take it all in, but everything is clouding his mind. His breath is ragged and the tears are running down his cheeks.

Without thinking about consequences or what would happen if anybody found him, he reaches out, grabbing the nearest part of the young man – his leg. The young man lets out the tiniest whimper of a moan of agony. Izzy’s mind goes into overdrive –

“Felix?? Can you hear me?” he whispers loudly.

The young man stirs and makes a noise in return.

Izzy scrambles – crawling as fast as he can – to reach the part where the young man’s head is lying.

“Felix – I’m here. I’m here. Can you hear me??” Izzy strokes the young man’s head – trying to be gentle, but so out of sorts, hyperventilating and shaking all over, that it’s still a little too rough.

“Ough, I - Iz … is … that you?” the young man somehow manages to get the words out, though it’s clear that it’s costing him everything he has.

“Yeah – yes. It’s – I’m, I’m here,” Izzy smiles through his tears, “I’m here. I’m not going anywhere –”. Moving to cradle him in his arms, Izzy’s hanging onto every bit of the young man’s mangled body that he can.

The young man opens one eye as much as possible – the other is too swollen and bruised. He meets Izzy’s eyes and even through the pain there’s a clear moment of recognition between them.

“Hi –” he says softly to Izzy, nearly managing a smile.

“Hi –” an exasperated laugh, through uncountable tears, escapes Izzy, before his hyperventilated breath turns the laughter to sobs, “I’m so sorry – I’m so sorry. I should have done something. I should have been braver. I sh- I should have stood up for you – I-I —”.

“N-no,” the young man’s voice was coming in ragged breaths, “there was n-nothing you cou-could’ve done n-now … n-not when it came t-this f-far …”

The young man rested his head against Izzy’s chest.

“We have to do something, I gotta get you to shore – I gotta —” Izzy was floundering, trying to force reality to make up a way of saving his love.

“I-I’m d-dying, Iz –”

It felt like Izzy’s heart was slowly sliding out of his chest – it only made him act more frantic.

“No. No, you’re not. I won’t allow it – I-I’ll get someone – I’ll …”

“Iz. It’s over.” Felix said in the softest voice, and Izzy stopped in his tracks. The unwavering finality of those words made the hairs on the back of Izzy’s neck stand on end.

He took a breath, before looking up at Felix again.

“Please don’t leave me.” Izzy pleaded.

“I’ll s-see you again …” Felix eyes was starting to slide shut. Izzy was crying in earnest now.

“L-look at me, Israel …” Izzy met Felix’ eye, “I l-love you –”

Izzy’s eyebrows narrowed and for a brief second he closed his eyes in agony at the words. Those words he had never dared utter. Everyone he loved left him. His dad, his mum – and now Felix … But this was the end. He had to say them now, or Felix would never hear it.

Meeting Felix’ eye again, Izzy gathered all his courage and took in a breath, “I lo—”.

But the sentence got quenched on the way out of his mouth, as Felix’ whole body became limp.

“I - Felix?”

Izzy’s brain couldn’t compute. It was like someone had just ripped reality away from under him, and he was floating into the limbo of infinite space.

The he realised what had happened.

Izzy’s eyes widened, staring panicky at the young man in his arms, “Felix?”.

He tried shaking him gently, but no response. He shook him again, a little more desperately, but no response.

He shook him again – and again – and again — every time a little more vigorously, calling out his name, his panicked desperation rising with every shake. But no response.

“Felix? — F-Felix … ?”

The realisation flushed over Izzy and the overwhelming grief hit him like a tidal wave. Crying, his whole body shaking, and his breath a mess of hyperventilated sobs, he grabbed Felix’ limp body and squeezed him as close to him as he would.

“I’m - I’m sorry”, he heaved in a big breath, “I-I’m s-so sorry, F-Felix”, he wailed, crying so hard he could hardly get the words out.

“I l- … I lo- …” Izzy swallowed and kissed Felix’ forehead, “I love y-you.”

Finally saying it, but knowing that Felix couldn’t hear him, made the words feel hollow, even though Izzy knew it was the truth.

“I l-love you.”

“I’m so sorry. I’m sorry sorry, Felix –”

He cradled him closer. He could have sat like this, just holding him, till sunrise if it wouldn’t have been too dangerous for him. But he couldn’t leave him. Not yet. How was he supposed to get up? How was he supposed to leave him here, lying in a pool of blood, knowing full well what would happen when morning came and everyone else, including the captain, woke up. He needed to get up and out of the way. But he couldn’t move. He couldn’t —

“Iz?” a soft voice spoke rang out clearly behind him.

In a panic, Izzy lifted his head and stared in the direction of the sound.

It was Ed. He looked slightly disheveled, and had a concerned look on his face.

“How long were you standing there?” Izzy asked, trying to hold in his crying.

“A little bit …” Ed answered gently and knelt down next to Izzy and looked at Felix with deep sorrow in his eyes.

But the gentleness scared Izzy more than anything. Felix had been gentle. Gentle would get you killed on a pirate ship.

Izzy let Felix slip slowly out of his arms and immediately got to his feet. Without a second glance he just said, “I’m gonna go clean up” and left Ed sitting on the floor next to Felix.

“Iz –” Ed called after him in a whisper. But no response. He turned his head back to Felix.

“I wish this wasn’t the end, my friend. Thank you for everything.” He stroked his left hand over Felix’ hair and placed his right hand on Felix’ chest. Ed sat like this for a moment, before deciding that Felix’s hands should be folded on top of each other.

As Ed placed Felix’ right hand on top of his left, Ed noticed something on Felix’s finger – he stopped for a moment, looking back and glancing after Izzy.

“I recon you’d still want him to have it, wouldn’t you?” Ed asked the body that used to belong to Felix, “yeah, I thought so.”

—

There was a knock on the door.

“Fuck off.” Izzy said annoyed, trying pulling a pair of trousers on his damp legs.

Another knock – and another, slightly more insistent one.

“Fuck OFF!” Izzy shouted incensed, “Can’t a man get a second of peace to take a bath on this fucking ship??”

“I’m not leaving till you open the door.” Ed said calmly from the other side of the door.

Izzy stopped and looked at the door. For a moment incapable of moving.

Then the door unlocked. And Ed looked at Izzy, no more blood on him, and dressed only in his trousers.

“What do you want?” Izzy asked.

“To give you this.”

Ed held out his hand and uncurled his fingers. Resting in the palm of his hand was a ring with a small, green stone. A ring Izzy knew well, because he had held the hand on which it had resided. Izzy’s eyes shot up to meet Ed’s, his expression unreadable.

“What the hell is this?”

“You know what it is.” Ed answered calmly. He knew that this whole situation was too much for Izzy to handle.

“Why the fuck are you giving it to me?” Izzy couldn’t believe that Ed of all people would have dared stealing from Felix like that.

“Because he wanted you to have it.” Ed answered plainly.

Izzy’s mind went blank.

“I’m sorry, what?” Izzy asked breathlessly.

“He wanted you to have it. He told me. A while ago.”, Ed was trying to relay the information as non-emotionally as possible, because he knew Izzy didn’t want it any other way, but Ed’s voice was slightly wobbly, “It was his mum’s ring, and he wanted you to have it.”

Izzy looked at the ring. Swallowed. Took a breath. Swallowed again. Then looked up at Ed.

“What a fucking arsehole.” He said affectionately, quelling the grief that was about to rise to the surface again. He and Ed both chuckled briefly.

Izzy looked back down at the ring in Ed’s hand, holding his gaze on it for a moment. Then swallowed. Ran a hand over the bridge of his nose and over his face, before reaching out and quickly grabbing the ring, as though he didn’t want Ed to see that he took it. He couldn’t even look at Ed.

Izzy reached out his other hand to shut the door again, but stopped it —

“Thank you, Eddie.”

Izzy met Ed’s eyes for the briefest second. The a sob threatened to escape his mouth, and he let the door swing closed.

When Ed saw Izzy the next day, neither of them said a word about the events of the night before.

But Ed saw that Izzy had placed the ring around the knot of his necktie.

The End.

(Literally sharing this within an hour after writing it. And a second version will follow at some point!)

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actuallyevilgay · 9 months

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The Apathy (Part 1)

Astarion x Male Reader/Tav

DNI if you are a minor. Dead dove don’t eat. Please read my about before replying. Content: Astarion x Male tav, spoiler warning for act 3 and epilogue.

Summary: After the final battle, Tav disappears, perhaps to mend his broken heart. The adventure has done more damage to him than everyone thought at first. Notes: Astarion is the vampire ascendant, Tav is not a heroic figure. Contains headcanons for several characters, contains headcanons for illithid brain alteration but not evolving. Tav uses daggers and magic. Astarion is an Arcane Trickster Rogue. Content Warnings: Tav suffering from depression / ptsd, self-neglect. A/N: This is my first fic idea I wanted to explore. Some of these elements are inspired and used from my oc, I won’t overly describe Tav, but I wrote it with a long-living race in mind. So Elf, or Half Elf, or Tiefling and such. Tav would not age very quickly.

. . . . . .

The adventure had been.. Brutal. From the day you awoke on the nautiloid, all the way until you fought the nether brain. Without much peace in between the night, the fighting, the plot thickening, you remember every horror and every threat. You were not a hero, you’ve told Wyll that much. When he pleaded to hurry after the father that abandoned him, or when Karlach asked you to beat the shit out of some fake paladins.

You were not a hero, even as you helped up Shadowheart from the sands, or saved Gale from the portal or fed him a useless ring.

You told them, time and time again. Especially Astarion and Lae’zel, whose eyes pierced yours with a silent kinship. You did not trust any of them until they somehow managed to crawl into your heart.

Saving the tieflings wasn’t so bad, but everything went downhill from there.

And yet you still helped every friend you made, you kept promises and fulfilled them. You swallowed your pride as you consumed the powers from tadpoles, feeling the illithid magic take from you, childhood memories you might have once cherished. It made you numb, like you lost something- The ability to understand your own experiences. You could not put words to it, perhaps it scratched away the small bits of morality you harboured a very long time ago.

Jaheira certainly was stupid enough to trust you despite your lack of caution to the tadpoles. It wasn’t until the emperor revealed himself that you realised power comes at a price. For a moment, sense returned- you killed the very thing that promised you evolution with a stomp. No, you would not let this adventure take more than it already had.

Perhaps it was too early to think that it could not take more. Baldur’s gate had come. And everything was horrible. You remember the dread as you led Shadowheart back into her cult, to slay the woman who had raised her. You dread with every fibre of your body as Orin kidnapped Gale, you fear for his life. You remember Karlach’s heartbreak at the corpse of the man she once trusted most in the world. As unheroic as you claimed to be, you still helped save Wyll’s father.

And then.. Vampires. The night raid on the camp. It was time to face Astarion’s nightmare. You were in love with the pale elf. Sharing stories of your past as you struggled to keep it together. You needed to be strong for all of them, not just him…

Leading this band of adventurers into the mouth of hell, time and time again, coming out victorious and triumphant. You don’t remember if you were smiling, but you remember their faces clearly, when you let him ascend.

It had occurred to you that you were sacrificing 7000 souls. But you didn’t care about the cost, beaten and broken from the fight. The colourful edges of once rich, lively looking eyes staring down the back of your lover.

Cazador’s screams were delightful. The agony, the pleasure of taking from him what he wanted most and giving it to the person who had been your entire world the past few months. It was everything.

And you were berated for making the choice.. Your friends wouldn’t fight you on it, so close to the end. It wasn’t until Jaheira pulled you aside and fussed over your mental state that your numbness subsided for a moment.

Are you even a good person? ..Does it matter?

The memory of Astarion’s sultry voice thanking you for your actions and talking of a reward was blurry, like it wasn’t real.

‘’What can I do for my dearest pet?’’

‘’Huh?’’ You looked up at him, as if shaken from a dream.

‘’Darling, there must be something you want? Don’t be dense..’’

There was silence, before you opened your mouth again. ‘’I’m sorry, all I can think about is sleep.. We’ll have to face the netherbrain soon. Gods.. I’m tired.’’

You barely remember the rest of that conversation. Astarion wanted something from you and expected you to know what it was, but all you could think about was how exhausted you were.

He hurt you with words, and you hurt him with silence. It numbed you so bad the memory was lost in the sea of nightmares. You don’t remember why you broke up. You don’t remember why, but it hurt you so much to even look at him. It hurt you so much to be around these people.. These people you loved. These people who were your dear friends. After it all was over.. When Karlach and Wyll descended into Avernus and Lae’zel flew away on a red dragon, you just looked to the sky absently. Barely hearing Shadowheart’s suggestion of sharing a drink. You could feel Astarion’s eyes staring into your back as you left without a word, leaving the remainder of your friends bewildered and confused. You couldn’t hear Gale calling for you as you disappeared into the streets and left Baldur’s gate for good.

All these memories were scarce and incomplete. Like a long distant echo of a time you wanted to leave behind. You disappeared like you never even existed, and even the city itself seemed to have forgotten about its saviour.

……

Six months later, your old friends gathered together to talk about their lives, a party organised by Withers himself at your dear old camp.

‘’I did not expect you to be here, out of everyone.. To be honest with you.’’ Gale arrived early, to be met with Astarion who wore his prideful new garments with much flair. ‘’Ugh, you look like a mess Gale. No offense.’’ He eyed the wizard up and down. ‘’I would’ve liked to be fashionably late, but I prefer doing things differently.’’ Astarion added, waving his hand in a dismissive manner.

Gale laughed a little. ‘’Ah, I thought I was running late myself.. But yes, I should’ve taken my time before coming. These are my teacher’s robes!’’ He nervously scratches the back of his head, making a faint smile. ‘’It doesn’t take that much time to make an effort. You could’ve tried at least.’’ Astarion speaks in a familiar tone, ‘’But,’’ He takes a breath, ‘’ You were the clumsiest out of everyone, it reminds me of the many times you’ve slipped on your own ice spells, Tav would complain about it a lot. I shouldn’t expect too much from you.’’ His tone remained friendly. Astarion grew tired of the conversation. Pondering when his lost love would arrive. He had so many questions for him.. The memory of his departure haunted him.

‘’And this is why you are never getting married, Mr Dekarios.’’ Tara nearly startled Astarion as she spoke up. ‘’Tara! I do my best alright? Six Months is not enough to recover from several near death experiences, having a netherese orb extracted from- and.. and I’ve only just landed this job!’’

The mind numbing conversations continued as every guest slowly made their show. Even as Wyll and Karlach were magically transported to this familiar place, as shadowheart and Lae’zel joined hand in hand, declaring their relationship. They would not shut up.

Jaheira, Halsin, and Minthara were here too. Even Minsc! Everyone.. Except..

Astarion stared into the night sky, expecting Tav to arrive any moment now. Withers let out a loud ‘’ahem’’ as he made a toast.

‘’Where is Tav?’’ Astarion interrupted. ‘’Are you still expecting him to come, fanged one?’’ Jaheira interjected. ‘’Is that the only reason you are here?’’ Everyone grew quiet.

‘’Oh, I am here for the drama alright.’’ Astarion snarled back at Jaheira. ‘’Do you have the faintest idea why he isn’t here?’’ Astarion’s voice had a growl.

Jaheira’s expression softened. ‘’Don’t blame me, I tried to follow after him as you were satisfied with your diabolical ascension and crimson palace.’’

Astarion wanted to do many things, but arguing was not one of them. He waited for Jaheira to continue speaking.

‘’I could not find him, I tried. It’s like he erased himself from existence. He doesn’t want to be found.’’ The harper spoke with a melodic sadness, but also acknowledgement.

‘’Why did you come, Astarion? Did you want to gloat in front of him?’’ Shadowheart added.

‘’No.’’ Astarion’s reply was quick. ‘’I don’t know why, anymore. Why did he leave? After all we’ve been through?’’ He masked his desperation, not wanting to appear weak in front of his old friends. He knew they judged him for his actions. For the way he spoke to Tav when they broke up. For the way he lied bitterly through his sharp teeth when Tav needed him most.

‘’Perhaps,’’ Karlach’s voice broke slowly. ‘’It was all too much for him, wasn’t it?’’ She turned to withers, expectantly for an answer. The old skeleton shook his head. ‘’His soul remains on the mortal plane.’’ Everyone’s eyes widened.

Jaheira shakes her head. ‘’The question remains, is it even a good idea to search for him?’’

‘’Well.. If I were him, I would want my friend to know if I’m doing alright. Oh- and I am doing quite fine, don’t worry.’’ Gale’s reply was met with an eyeroll of both Jaheira and Astarion.

‘’Maybe he’s fighting battles elsewhere. He was a good leader.’’ Lae’zel suggests, but it doesn’t stop everyone from theorising.

Minsc and Wyll both came up with ridiculous suggestions, from bounty hunting kobolds to slaying giants. Something, something, with dragons? Gods. Shadowheart thought maybe he left to start a new life somewhere, perhaps as a labourer, but it bothered her that he wouldn’t write a letter at least.

Everyone had their own ideas and fantasies about what the hell Tav was doing, coming up with one new thing and the next. Travelling. Carpenting. Exploring the underdark. Farming. Solving murders, painting nobles, crafting potions, writing songs. Astarion could not picture it at all. The idea of not knowing after all this time stressed him out.

If he wasn’t dead, and still in this plane.. He had to be somewhere.. Working, living. Breathing? He had to be doing something.

‘’You did pass him your invitation letter, correct?’’ Astarion eyed Withers intensely.

‘’Yes.’’ A crude response, but it offered no further suggestions to the whereabouts or well being of their old friend.

‘’Then you know where he is.’’ Astarion’s glare expanded. ‘’Tell us.’’ The silence grew heavy. Withers’ dead eyes looked over the vampire, noting the hidden concern in his voice.

‘’Neverwinter. I will not say more.’’

‘’Why in the hells is he in Neverwinter of all places?’’ Astarion questions. ‘’He is baldurian..’’

‘’Perhaps to get as far away as he can, from you.’’ Jaheira’s remark bit through Astarion’s side, but he swallowed his pride and did not bark back.

‘’Baldur’s gate did take quite a hit..’’ Gale looked excited at the prospect of visiting Neverwinter. ‘’Maybe.. If I divine a little.. I could find him, or at least, scry on him?’’

‘’Guys- Guys! We shouldn’t just turn up or.. it might be different. Perhaps he’s.. On an undercover mission!’’ Karlach tried to hide her excitement. ‘’Oh- But I do miss him.. Maybe-’’ The idea of joining in on an adventure to find their lost friend was refreshing, only to realise she still needed to pay Dammon a visit before she could even consider it. And as a result, miss out.. She let out a loud sigh,

‘’..You can scry on him? Why haven’t you?’’ Astarion turned to Gale, who stuttered in response.

‘’Well.. I.. Tried, but something blocked me out. I think he pushed me away.’’ Gale’s reply did only make the matter more concerning.

‘’Push you?’’

‘’You remember when we had those parasites? It was kind of like that.. I only just locked in on him, and felt a harsh push.’’

‘’I’d be godsdamned if he turned into a mindflayer after all-’’ Wyll interrupts, the panic finally hits him too. ‘’After all he’s been through-’’ Everyone exchanged looks and glances, expressions ranging from horror to helplessness.

‘’No.’’ Withers interrupted. ‘’His soul remains.’’ The rising tension calmed immediately.

‘’But you did see him?’’ Astarion turns back to Gale.

‘’Barely, I’m sorry.’’ The wizard shook his head.

Astarion huffs. ‘’I had enough. Forget about the toast.’’ He leaves the party, pondering about all the information he had just learnt, replaying the scene of his departure in his head.

The tadpoles. The god damn tadpoles. He remembers that night, after he ascended. His dearest Tav, barely keeping his eyes open. ‘’I’m sorry,’’ His drained eyes, scattering over the floor. ‘’Gods, I’m tired.’’

He remembers his spat. His little.. Unfortunate mistake. No, the biggest mistake. The yelling, the hurtful words. Tav barely responded, his eyes said so much and yet so little.

After the netherbrain fell, that look on his face remained. Lightless. Dull, empty. Broken.

The job was finished. He must’ve walked without much thought. Astarion curses under his breath as he makes his return to Baldur’s gate.

He should’ve gone after him before. But now he knows where to find him.

#ascended astarion x male tav #astarion x m!tav #ascended astarion #baldur's gate 3 #astarion #bg3 #bg3 fanfiction

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17mujipens · 1 year

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the dragon prince season 5 live thoughts:

the way Rayla constantly has the weight of the world and her parents and her personal relationship and then the world again on her shoulders is insane

Terry is bf goals, he really saw his girl having a meltdown and was like here are some nice textures. autism wins again

Callum really was like ‘my girl can commit any crime she wants :)’

that little bug elf person is so scary for no reason

loooove the dragon designs. like every time we see a dragon i’m fascinated

im so glad that in-universe people understand that Ezran is just a kid. like its heartbreaking but i’m glad it is discussed

side note but Corvus and Soren are def fucking and Corvus is not proud of it

i love how everyone is experiencing trauma and Rayla and Callum are in some second chance romance fluffy story

THEYRE SO CUTEEEE

VIREN mindscape

that scene between King Harrow and Viren genuinely has me hyperventilating

oh Harrow is that bird for sure for sure

oh to have a partner as dedicated to your success as Terry….

baby Soren is such a sweetie!!!!! im gonna cry

oh even more beautiful dragons

i totally forgot that Aarovos whispered something to the previous queen and now that intrigue is back

i feel like i gotta stop saying something every time Terry does/says something incredibly sweet because we’ll be here for so long

they keep reiterating how important family is to Viren and i mean it’s not a necessarily new characteristic but it’s more intense now. like the way morality doesn’t exist when it concerns them. before it was all for power and now its all for them and it doesn’t matter that Soren is on the ‘enemy’ side so it has me thinking that something is going to happen to one of his children that will. result in either Viren’s self sacrifice or his betrayal of Aarovos

Amaya and Janai are so so real

OMG baby Claudia!

Callum and Rayla’s frustration over being forbidden from going to Lux Area is hilarious, especially how Callum gave a freaking illustration shdjjdbdb

Aunt Amaya is a real one

oh i just knooow Karim’s storyline is going to be so so messy

also this made me think. like what the fuck do you even do after you get banished. like where do you go

Claudia and Viren sinking and saving each other is mirrored is just muah delicious

Soren running away terrified Viren but Claudia turning out just like him is scaring him even more

Claudia is my wet cat pathetic but also op character

some eye of sauron shit in Lux Aurea

the nerd elf is so cute and way too innocent for all this bullshit

Aunt Amaya is a real one pt. 2

omg. didn’t i say Karim’s story is going to be insane

i feel like Amaya’s monologue about love is going to be so heartbreaking in a few episodes

i’m usually a throwback montage hater but this one is so cute and sweet and it really highlights just how much they’ve grown and how far these two have come

Stella is a little kleptomaniac. sweetie.

Karim is constantly misunderstanding things because of his own biases. like how he thought the Janai wouldn’t fight because he came to the conclusion that the throne doesn’t matter to her because she didn’t lead like he wanted her to. and now he thinks that what Sol Regem needs is sight when what he actually needs is hope

the ‘i would do anything for you’ is sounding scary in the context of we just heard that that’s what started Viren’s descend into darkness

the library fight sequence is great, always fun to see their different fighting styles and how the cooperate

but it also gave me so much anxiety because Amaya is exactly the character that’s important and beloved enough that the writers might decide to make her infected so we all suffer

Dragon Queen to the rescue!!! oh how powerful dragons are…

why are u always leaving Bait behind :( he’s just a baby :(

NO I SPOKE TOO SOON!!! AMAYAAA

AND CORVUS TOO??????? agony and pain in Xadia

oh and i totally forgot about the Queen herself!!!!

oh Viren’s brain is doing a full reset

EZRAN YOU SWEETHEART <33333

i’m obsessed with Tina already. her design and her grumpy old woman attitude

oh Terry and Claudia you will always be famous to me

Akiyu and Lujanne would be besties

‘ when your mind is telling you to speak, instead you must listen’ LMAO

i know this Bloodhuntress is evil, they even say this out loud but… she’s kinda hot, yeah?

im really hoping that they find some way to cure the dragon queen. we don’t need to preteen kings

that boat set up is terrifying. and way too similar to Charon to be comfortable

bright hope cove…or scumport

this made me realise how much i just need at least a short story or something on Rayla years alone

this is such a fun setting. i have a soft spot for these types of towns in stories

i NEED the reaction pic someone already should have made of Ezran and Bait after Finnegran announced the ship’s price

omg pirate return!!

Claudia my girl who is worse <3

baby glow toads are 80% eye and 20% body lol

oh another return appearance!! i hope Nyx’ll bring some interpersonal drama

yeah, and she’s already pushing Callum’s buttons lol

damn, Soren is strong as hell, swimming in armour

oof i think she shouldn’t trust Miyana, wasn’t she Karim’s lover?

now that i see the Bloodhuntress in daylight, i have to say im not a fan of her colour scheme BUT powers are so cool visually, this whole fight sequence is amazing

Callum is just so powerful… i feel like we forget it sometimes but he is the first human mage to use any primal magic and the scale of the spells he’s using here is just insane

ITS A FUCKING HERMIT CRAB?????

oh god seeing Anaya in pain and despair is somehow worse than anyone else. and seeing her grief turn into anger muah chefs kiss

why is this y-7 show giving me anxiety. i literally started watching this to relax and think about interesting fantasy concepts what’s all this!!

oh shit this intro has Callum in it. shits about to hit the fan

i feel like that sea shanty has to have some deeper meaning. i hope it’s not that they’re going to drown our heroes

WHY IS THERE TORTURE IN HERE!!!!

don’t get me wrong i’m a tragedy enjoyer, i should know that by now but holy shit i just wasn’t emotionally prepared for all this

Soren, himbo of all time

Finnergrin is a great character to contrast our heroes actually and push them over

HES FREEZING HER BLOOD

oh Callum :( i love those moments where his anger boils over but i also love how they show how that scares him

Finnegrin is putting Rayla in mortal danger…i HOPE Callum goes feral

oh yeah this is some serious levelling up!!! Go Callum!!!

Soren, sweetheart :( he really saw this wood man get treated like trash, recognised it and at great personal cost helped him free himself :) using his daddy issues for the greater good

oh wow that greater good is apparently killing! slay

i feel like i gotta say something about Callum using dark magic to free himself but god that’s just plain heavy

oh Zubeia is still grieving and she’s just going on for her kid :(((

it’s day 30, damon what a way to up the already high stakes

Ezran was so sure that the prison being underwater would stump them but they figured it out so quick

my one thing is, this is open sea, if they’re even approximately at the same place, shouldn’t they have seen each other?

Aaravos really says every single sentence like it’s some dirty talk. like bro is saying something about borrowing consciousness or whatever with the same voice u usually hear say some shit like ‘oh you like that?’

finally Claudia and Callum and Ezran meeting! the way she truly believes that the ends justify the means and that all that dark magic hasn’t had its affect on her… wow

OUR CHILD? this whole monologue has me in hysterics

also because like…if he didn’t say anything, and was just like ‘kill this homunculus and your life will be restored’ Viren probably would have done it

i fear that ultimately, Viren will be too little too late for Claudia. because while he turned into who he is while an adult, Claudia was raised to be like this. so if he tries to change her, it’d be a betrayal to her

yeah, see Claudia is even more extreme than her father. because she has nothing else besides him, there is not status or prestige, or brother, or anyone else. it’s just her and him

fucking hell, i KNEW Miyana wasn’t to be trusted!

i think Karim will have a devastating win in s6, but it’ll be short lived, because like i said before he lacks critical thinking

what the hell is this mushroom mage and how soon can he help us retake Lux Aurea

what the fuck did he mean by ‘swallow’

Claudia is literally destroying herself in her quest. like we know that dark magic is detrimental to not only your physical but also your mental health, like we saw with Viren, and Claudia’s hair, but now literally her leg is gone. how far will she go?

side note: i think that because Viren reset, that’s why all his mentality and soul came back and that’s why his morals are so much stronger than we ever saw them?

OH THATS JUST A CRAZY INSANE CRUEL PLACE TO FINISH THE SEASON WOW

#the dragon prince #laila.txt

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cheesytoucans · 6 months

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A Loving Analysis of Charlie Morningstar

While I realize that this might be premature, and that Charlie will undoubtedly continue to change and grow as more seasons come out, I cannot help but look at her character as it stands now. Even in this state of prematurity I’ve found her and the themes that she represents to be extremely compelling and she seems to me to be very misunderstood or at the least not looked at enough in terms of her character.

I do not think it’s a stretch to say that Charlie is, at her core, a living embodiment of the themes of love, redemption, and forgiveness, that the show is trying to portray and the pain that she goes through attempting to instill this upon others has been nothing short of heartbreaking to me.

So here’s something that’s way too long and self indulgent but that I had no choice but to write anyway, broken down into helpful little sections to hopefully be at least a little bit cohesive.

Guilt:

It’s clear to me that the guilt that Charlie feels for being hellborn and therefore having access to power and resources that most others in Hell do not brings her nothing but shame and agony. This is all something that we need to interpret based on her body language and actions as it’s never something that she would come right out and say but I do think that it’s a major aspect of her character that stuck out to me when I first watched the series.

There’s a moment very early on that sticks out to me in episode one. Lute talks about how Charlie and her hellborn kind are pardoned from the extermination by Lucifer and then asks her the question: “How does that feel? To know how little you matter.” Charlie is speechless and then has some amazing body language that really epitomizes these feelings of guilt she has.

I think it’s important to note here that expressions like this are very rare for Charlie. There’s something to be said about the ways in which she seems to hide her uglier emotions. The horns only seem to come out when she’s extremely angry and even then they’re a blink and you miss it kind of reaction. She’s so good at pulling her anger back that we don’t even see that tail of hers until someone dies.

Even the times we see her cry in the series are either for emotions like love, like when Angel forgave her for crashing the studio, or she very quickly attempts to cover them up when she’s actually in distress like with Vaggie in the last episode. Even when she cries when Pentious dies she’s immediately covering her eyes and then hastily replacing those emotions with anger and even though that’s also an emotion she seems to try and hide she also appears to be more ok with that one showing when it comes to the safety of her family. So rarely is her genuine distress on full display, she doesn’t even want to show it to Vaggie of all people when they’re alone in the hallway. Appearing to be strong and put together even when she’s dying inside and just wants to break down seems to be very normal for her.

So when we see these emotions from her genuinely on display I think it says a lot about how she’s feeling, that she’s so lost in her own trauma that she can’t even remember to try and hide it. At first there’s a look of anger at Lute, like she’s trying to remain the intimidating princess of Hell who needs to convince these people at all costs and she cannot look weak.

And then that mask breaks and there’s a look of genuine shock on her face, like she can’t believe that someone just said that to her. And this is not shock in the context of contempt or anger, this is a painful kind of shock where she has been truly hurt by those words but doesn’t want to believe that someone would be so cruel so casually.

I’d like to pause here and remark that we’ve seen just how Charlie reacts when people are mean to her friends. We’ve seen those horns come out and eyes turn red when Angel is thrown around by Valentino, and she didn’t even get to see the worst of it. We can speculate all day about what she would have done if Angel hadn’t stopped her but I think that’s less important in this context. What matters is that she was driven to the point of true unfiltered rage at her friend being threatened and we need to remember that it’s a lot for Charlie to do that, the last thing she wants to do is throw around her power and hurt people.

However, this anger is not extended to her own safety. The only time that demonic anger flares up here with Adam and Lute is right after the line: “so give up your dumb endeavor, cause you don’t have a shot.” Charlie is more angry at the mention of her dreams being seen as stupid than she is at Lute insulting her person and even then those horns are gone in a flash.

Lute telling her that she doesn’t matter just brings her pure and unadulterated sorrow that cuts so deep she can’t even say a word to defend herself. The guilt is so absolutely all encompassing for her that it only brings pain, anger seems the furthest thing from her mind.

Finally though, after the shock has passed and Charlie seems to process what Lute has said, she starts to frantically glance around the room which could be read in a few different ways. To me though it always came off like she was desperately looking for an out. Kind of in the same way an animal might start looking around the room for an escape route. I think she has been so hurt by what Lute said, the guilt has started to worm its way up her soul, that for a second she is genuinely considering bolting from the room, even if it’s just on a subconscious level and she doesn’t actively think that thought.

This could also be read as her no longer being able to make eye contact because of just how much this hurt her which I think is also a valid interpretation considering how much both physical contact and eye contact seem to matter to Charlie. This is also something we can see in the last episode when she and Vaggie have their duet. Charlie is very reluctant to make eye contact until Vaggie comforts her with physical touch. She glances towards her once at the beginning when Vaggie first starts to sing but then quickly looks away again. She only maintains eye contact after Vaggie touches her cheek and Charlie grabs onto her arm, signifying just how much Vaggie is soothing her with the song.

Lastly, after the shock and the pain have permeated her, she begins to curl into herself, her arms subtly coming closer to her chest and her shoulders sinking in. This is of course a classic way that we self sooth. I don’t think she realizes she’s doing it as most people probably don’t but bringing your arms closer to yourself is instinctual to protect your chest and therefore your heart when you’re feeling threatened. Doing so can make us feel safer since we feel like we’re taking steps to protect ourselves.

Charlie is feeling so threatened and hurt by this one line that she is desperately trying to make herself feel better in any way she can. Just the thought of her getting a free pass on death while her people live in fear of true absolute death at the hands of Heaven is enough to make her feel so much guilt that even all of her love and kindness does not save her. It makes her begin to spiral into her own thoughts and she’s only pulled out of it by the distraction from Adam that they don’t have much time left and if she doesn’t convince him of the hotel now she’ll miss her chance.

This is just one moment from episode one but these feelings of guilt continue to color her actions into the series and I can only assume before that as well. The sadness that Charlie hides from the world is always there and I don’t think it’s about to go away anytime soon, just like I don’t think her survivor's guilt is going to go away even as people start to get redeemed. I don’t want this to come off though like Charlie’s actions are any worse just because they’re fueled partly by this guilt.

At the end of the day the fact of the matter is that Charlie is doing an immense amount of good. She may have no idea what she’s doing half the time and it may go completely wrong and take a lot of different winding paths but the journey she’s on is a good one. Someone just needs to try and it may not be perfect but I don’t think it’ll ever be, even after she finds out that she’s actually been able to redeem someone. The important thing is that someone, anyone, is standing up for those who have nothing and defying a deeply unjust system that everyone follows because of a learned helplessness and a true lack of autonomy.

Charlie’s reasons for doing what she does can only really hurt herself as she doesn’t really seem to care for herself at the best of times and instead runs off to continue to help others. She’s in desperate need of a break and someone to talk to about her feelings of immense guilt and her fear of being abandoned but unfortunately, the ones who she should be able to talk to are partly the problem to begin with.

Mommy and Daddy:

We can make all the jokes in the world about Charlie's mommy and daddy issues, and believe me I have, but the way her parents have treated her has made a huge impact on her personality. We don’t really know exactly how Lilith treated her daughter growing up so we don’t have much choice but to make some assumptions here. I do think it’s safe to say that an adult who runs off on their own child for years on end when they’re in desperate need of a stable, loving, guiding hand in life can only be described as indifferent at best and down right neglectful at worst and frankly I do not care how old Charlie is because she clearly needs her mother. Age should not be the deciding factor on the amount of love a parent gives their own child.

What we do know about how Lilith has impacted Charlie seems to manifest in much smaller and subtle ways. We know that Lilith was the one to inspire Hell when Heaven came knocking and we can assume that this penchant for rebellion was passed down to Charlie, albeit in what I can only assume to be a vastly different tone. When it comes down to it though, we know that Charlie desperately wants to believe that Lilith must be doing something important and that in turn must mean that she has Charlie’s best intentions in mind. I have my doubts as to whether or not this is true but for right now we can only speculate.

When it comes to her father he clearly loves her with a passion that I rarely see with men in media (though if you find that to be an interesting character trait I would recommend you read a Justin Cronin book, specifically The Ferryman, as his depictions of love and anguish a man can have towards a daughter immediately came to mind when watching More Than Anything for the first time. I’d also recommend Salvage This World by Michael Farris Smith for the same reasons.) but it’s also difficult for me to forget about the impact that his neglect and then sudden return to Charlie’s life had on her.

I do not in any way think that Lucifer is overall a bad father but rather that the mistakes he’s made have had a direct impact on Charlie’s world views both for the better and the worse. At the end of the day I find him to be a very realistic and complex father who loves his daughter but just truly does not know what to say to her, which is amusing in its own right considering he’s the actual devil but that’s just part of the show’s charm in my opinion. All of this to say that his neglect of her has led to a good chunk of her character flaws. One of the biggest being her constant need for love and validation.

This is something that I don’t think we’re really going to see in full for a while but I do think it’s still pertinent now, especially with the major character drama that we see between Lucifer and Alastor. Charlie is the kind of person who just wants to see the good in people. She wants to believe that everyone has the best intentions and can be reasoned with if she just finds the right words to say. At the same time she carries an immense amount of power both literally and from a political standpoint. Having Charlie on your side could mean a huge leg up in whatever it is you’re trying to accomplish.

Alastor is what I can only lovingly call a master manipulator. He took one look at Charlie and saw someone who was incredibly driven but also incredibly kind and knew that he could use that for his own gain. While we don’t yet know exactly what he wants from her we do know how he’s going to get it and we see that in song form during Hell’s Greatest Dad.

To Alastor Lucifer is a threat to his hold on Charlie. If Charlie becomes too close to her father that could mean that he might recognize Alastor’s manipulation for what it is and take Alastor completely out of the picture, in whatever form he sees fit. This leads to their fight in episode 5 where Alastor uses both Lucifer’s guilt at his neglect of his daughter as well as Charlie’s need for love against them at the same time.

Charlie states that while she and Lucifer are not exactly on bad terms, they’ve never really been close and I think it’s clear from the very beginning just how that’s affected her. There’s this sort of deep loneliness and anxiety that seems to come out of Charlie from time to time. For all her attempts at showcasing love and positivity to anyone and everyone who comes within a square mile of her, she can’t help but let it slip from time to time just how difficult things can be for her.

Her mother and father never being around has led her to believe that she needs to do anything and everything on her own but at the same time she needs to be told that what she’s doing isn’t stupid or useless. She has never once had her ideas be proven true. She’s run into so much opposition that at this point it’s a miracle that she continues to try at all. This would be difficult for anyone but for someone who loves as deeply as she does it’s a continual deep cut into her psyche that she tries to patch at any opportunity.

The look of complete happiness and relief on Charlie’s face when Alastor says that they’re so proud of her for what she’s accomplished is enough to make a bystander feel for her, let alone her own father standing right there. Alastor of course knows this and uses this information to try and keep the favor on him and not Lucifer. Charlie and her father do manage to have a very sweet moment in More Than Anything and while it’s not enough to totally repair their relationship it’s certainly a start.

I’d like to draw special attention to More Than Anything and specifically the body language from Charlie during the line: “I’ll shelter and adore you more than anything.” This entire time Charlie has been desperately trying to get Lucifer to take her seriously. It’s clear that he is protective to a fault where he is so terrified of Charlie making the same mistakes that he did that he will not allow Charlie to even try at all.

But to Charlie Lucifer is where her need to fight for her dreams came from in the first place. Lilith may have inspired the rebellion in her but it was Lucifer championing free will above all that got her to start dreaming of something better. Something where people don’t have to fight and can instead work on just being better people.

So when Lucifer grabs her and pulls her in, talking about how he will shelter her from all the wrongs in the world, Charlie puts her hand on his arm in a gesture that always seemed to me like she was about to push him away. She doesn’t want him to baby her, all she wants from him is to support her and be with her while she works towards her dreams.

We need to remember just how long Charlie has been on her own. Even when Lilith was around it appears like her father wasn’t in the picture much. The separation from Lilith just seems to have made that fracture even deeper. Even with all of that though, even after being abandoned and then babied by her father, she still wants him around and makes a genuine attempt to connect with him for the first time in a long time with this song. Charlie just loves so much and feels so deeply that she cannot forsake her father even with everything that’s happened.

It is love that defines Charlie and to love someone means to forgive them.

Redemption and love:

What exactly does it take to redeem someone? What makes them worthy of that redemption in the first place? Is it naive to believe that love and forgiveness can drag a person back from the darkness even when everyone and everything is constantly trying to pull them back?

One of my favorite aspects of the show is its overall themes of redemption and the ways that Charlie encompasses those themes. This is one of the biggest aspects of Charlie’s character that I think gets glossed over too much and I want to highlight just how much I think that this part of her character is not in any way something to demean. I find this often in fiction that features characters like Charlie. It must say something about how we view emotions like love and forgiveness and kindness to look at someone who constantly and unconditionally champions such things to others and ask: “Why are you so naive to think that something like that is even possible? Are you so stupid that you think that’ll actually work?”

I’d like to be clear that I do indeed think it’s naive to assume that something as complex as “redemption” can be brought about just by cleaning up your act and role playing your middle school DARE program with all your friends in your living room. You know and I know that we cannot make amends for all of our wrong doings by pretending they aren’t there anymore. This is especially true when, for a lot of the cast, these so called “wrong doings” exist because of systemic issues that they simply cannot escape from. Angel cannot just walk away from everything that keeps him both literally and metaphorically chained to Valentino and the very act of being chained to such a monster has caused him to spiral down into any sort of reprieve that he could possibly get his hands on, even when such things may be making everything so much worse in the long run.

That being said though, while I understand that the ways in which she goes about seeking redemption for her people may be naive on the surface, at their core I believe that the emotions and intentions that power these actions are nothing short of admirable. It’s truly a test of your soul to look at the worst that humanity has to offer and still say that they are deserving of love. As Lucifer so aptly puts it: “They got gifted free will and look at what they did with it!” To Lucifer they could have done anything with that free will and all it got them in the end was a trip straight to Hell where they proceeded to learn nothing and be nothing more than exactly what they were on Earth.

To Charlie though, a person is not defined by their sins. Not only that but their sins do not in any way mean that they deserve an eternity of suffering or that they should be brutally slaughtered by the very ones who claim that this is just how things are meant to be. Charlie will look at someone who ten minutes ago was trying to kill her, who has done nothing with their afterlife but bring about more suffering and destruction and does not see, or just does not care about the hurt they have caused, and she will offer them true forgiveness and love for the first time in a long time, maybe in forever.

And I really, really want to stress here that coming from Charlie this love and forgiveness is truly unconditional. The only thing that Charlie requires is that you want it. If you ask for forgiveness it’s yours in a heartbeat.

This of course can absolutely be detrimental to her and we see this in just how much she wants to trust Alastor even when both the audience and Charlie herself can see just what a bad idea this is. Charlie just hopes deep down that in the end he will accept the love that she’s giving him and maybe that’ll mean he will try for her just like Sir Pentious decided to finally stop fighting and start trying. It of course remains to be seen whether or not his character arc will follow anything of the sort but I remain hopeful for Charlie’s sake as well as his own.

As I said at the beginning though Charlie is truly the living embodiment of the themes that the show is trying to portray. In the absence of a God or a religion that is offering unconditional love the devil’s daughter offers it instead. While Adam and the angels want to act like heaven is just and kind while simultaneously committing atrocities on those that they view as lesser, Charlie says it doesn’t matter what they have to say about you, I still love you.

I find this to be fascinating in that Charlie is the antithesis to a lot of toxic fundamental religious beliefs that want to say that God’s love is unconditional but then proceed to pile on condition after condition until you’re not sure just how many of these rules you’ve already broken by the time you’ve had breakfast for the day. Charlie is of course not a God and she makes mistake after mistake in her endeavors. She has a tendency to get too excited and rush off without thinking. Sometimes she gets foot in mouth syndrome and doesn’t think about how her words might hurt people like Angel or Vaggie who are trying their best but tend to fumble because of their own self worth issues.

But at the end of the day I think the beauty of her love comes in its simplicity. She does not need complicated rules and conditions for it to be meaningful. It is meaningful because it’s pure love for those with no love for themselves, with nothing asked for in return, and it does not need the catalyst of God or religion. It’s love that comes from deep down in her soul and she doesn’t even require you to love her back for her to fight for you, she’d do it regardless.

That’s part of why I think Sir Pentious and his redemption work so well. Truly all that was needed of him was love. This is something that I don’t think will work on everyone because of the aforementioned systemic issues but for people like Pentious all he really needed was to be loved and love someone back. Seemingly he has spent his entire afterlife fighting turf wars and marking out territory and trying to earn respect through violence and the only love that he’s had has been artificially created by himself with the eggs boys.

It makes perfect sense to me then that when he has finally had enough, when he’s at his absolute lowest and is ready to be killed for every single horrible thing he’s ever done in this afterlife, Charlie puts a stop to it with a single sentence: “It starts with sorry.” Because to apologize requires humility and humility requires you to truly care about the people you’ve hurt. To allow yourself to put your pride aside and say that you’re sorry even when it’s difficult for you to do so is a test of love that a lot of us struggle with. It’s not easy to make yourself so vulnerable like that but Pentious allowing himself to feel those emotions opened the door for him to accept the love that Charlie was offering and in turn learn to love others.

After that moment with Charlie, Pentious proceeds to make incredible strides with his emotions and comes to care for the residents of the hotel in his own way. He cares for Nifty at the club, cries when Charlie reconnects with her father, pets KeeKee on the couch, and flirts with Cherri in his own genuine and nervous way (also as a side note I’d like to say that the line from Husk that Pentious watches the residents sleep sometimes was probably meant to come off as mostly kind of creepy and amusing, I found it to also be sweet in the sense that I read it as the way that a parent might watch a child sleep to ensure they were still breathing, sort of a “please don’t leave me now that I finally have you” sort of thing.)

I don’t think him kissing Cherri and confessing his love at the end was in any way the only deciding factor to his redemption but I do think it was a good exclamation point at the end of his emotional journey. It was proof once and for all that he was finally okay being seen as vulnerable. He was allowing himself to actually feel and love the emotion of love instead of being scared that it would make him weak and open to attack from others. Telling someone you love them requires trust, it requires you to believe that them and those around them will not hurt you and I think at the end Pentious finally accepts all of this. He has taken the love that Charlie gave him and amplified it and put it back out into the world to maybe do a little good for once and that right there is what I think made him qualified for redemption, it just needed a little love.

So ultimately Charlie may not consciously understand what exactly gets someone redemption but she sure did land on it by accident. She gave Pentious the tools to fuel his own redemption whether she realized it or not because all he needed was for someone to try for him. He could have taken Charlie’s mercy and ran back off into Hell to continue to do what he’s been doing this entire time and keep hurting others in the process but he didn’t. He needed someone to actually care about him and give him love, he needed Charlie, but not only that, he needed the security and friendship of the rest of the hotel. Even when Charlie is not there she has given them all a place that they can be okay in. Even if it’s not perfect and shit always seems to be going down, even with Alastor’s ulterior motives, that hotel is still the safest place any of them have had in a long long time.

Vaggie:

On the topic of love and the simplicity of Charlie’s, I would be remiss to not talk about Vaggie and her relation to Charlie now. I have to say to start that I honestly find the people who talk about their relationship as if they have no chemistry or “they feel like friends and not girlfriends” to be extremely amusing to me. While I understand that their relationship dynamic may not be everyone’s cup of tea, I also think it’s just inherently incorrect to say that they’re poorly written or don’t feel as though they’re actually dating.

Just as a personal indulgence I would like to interject and say that while I get that a lot of people want their fictional relationships to be messy and have drama my crusty old self personally loves the biblical levels of beautiful tragedy that Charlie and Vaggie have going on and I find their subtle, comforting love to be very cathartic to me. Just the idea of love between a fallen angel and the devil’s daughter is enough to get me interested and then add on the fact that the angel is fallen because she showed mercy to a single one of the princess’s people and they just love each other so much and would do anything for each other, makes me go feral, but I digress.

I want everyone to keep in mind what I’ve said about Charlie’s love so far while talking about Vaggie. Remember simple and remember unconditional, those are the two fundamentals of Charlie’s love that are constantly on display with Vaggie. I find it very remarkable just how much the body language between Vaggie and Charlie exhibits the love and comfort that the two have for each other especially in a medium like animation where every flick of the eye and turn of the mouth and hand gesture is another cut that someone out there needs to draw. That tells me that there was significant effort put forth to show a couple like Charlie and Vaggie who have been together for years and know exactly what to expect while also making sure that their love was simultaneously not downplayed or inadvertently exploited for sex appeal. It’s a very fine line to walk but I feel as though the show did a very good job of it all.

There are so many tiny little moments throughout just about every single episode of the season that have body language showing the love that Charlie and Vaggie share. Just from the first episode alone there’s Charlie sliding over on the couch just to lean on Vaggie’s legs. There’s Vaggie cupping Charlie’s cheek while she tells her she has faith in her dream. There’s the small soft look that Vaggie gives Charlie when Charlie grabs her hands at the beginning of Happy Day in Hell.

Even putting aside body language for a second there’s also the way that Vaggie tries to continue to make the commercial with Charlie gone even though it means she ends up having to work with Alastor who she hates specifically because she doesn’t trust him around Charlie. There’s also how Charlie is hesitant to tell Vaggie at first that Adam didn’t listen to her because she doesn’t want to let her down when she believes so much in Charlie.

I also really like their little character drama in episode three because I think it really exemplifies just how trusting they are in their relationship while also highlighting their character flaws at the same time. Charlie is so trusting of Vaggie that she’s willing to let Vaggie take over in their daily lessons even when this inevitably backfires. I’ve seen a few people think Charlie was doing this to use her girlfriend or be mean to her but frankly that couldn’t be farther from the truth.

While things did eventually go south and Vaggie had a difficult time thinking that she was failing Charlie I think it’s important to remember Charlie’s intentions with asking Vaggie to take over in the first place. In no way did Charlie do that to see Vaggie fail, it’s just that Charlie has such unwavering trust in Vaggie’s opinion and really does believe that she has skills that she herself lacks that Vaggie can bring to the table. It’s easy to forget sometimes but Charlie really does have some pretty impressive emotional intelligence. She just tends to run off without thinking a lot of the time and get carried away but when she allows herself to step back and look at a situation she’s very understanding of how exactly her actions are affecting people.

Charlie recognizes pretty quickly that Vaggie is having a hard time with this and attempts to step in and take back control but Vaggie is stubborn in her desire to prove herself to Charlie. Vaggie thinks that if she lets Charlie take over again that she’ll have failed her and Charlie might see her as useless to the hotel. Of course Charlie would never think that and once again I must reiterate that Charlie’s love is unconditional. It does not matter to Charlie that Vaggie was unable to immediately get everyone to be best friends, setting aside the fact that it actually did work in the end, all that matters to Charlie is that her and Vaggie work together and are there for each other no matter what.

Charlie was just frustrated that things weren’t as simple as she hoped and Vaggie was frustrated that she couldn’t fix it. Both of them recognize this mistake by the end of the episode and acknowledge the need for them to be a team even when things are hard and neither of them have an answer.

All of this combines together over the season to portray a couple who love each other but who are adults long since removed from a honeymoon phase where they can’t keep their hands off each other. This doesn’t mean they don’t still love each other and it doesn’t mean they’re not loving on each other behind closed doors, it just means they’re comfortable and understand each other.

Not only that but I think it also exemplifies what I’ve been saying about Charlie’s love: it’s simple and that’s a good thing. To Charlie, loving Vaggie is easy. To Charlie Vaggie is a constant that has been there for years who loves her and would never hurt her or betray her. The only one who has stood there and supported her while her Mother runs off to god knows where and her Father isolates himself with his depression. Vaggie supported the hotel when everyone this side of Hell and up to Heaven thought she was an idiot dreamer who didn’t know when to quit.

To Vaggie, Charlie is the unconditional love that she never had in Heaven. Someone who quite literally picked her up while she was dying and put her back on her feet and loved her regardless of the fact that Charlie had no idea who she really was and honestly I’m not even sure that mattered to Charlie one bit. She trusted Vaggie to not hurt her and have her best intentions in mind just like she trusts everyone else around her to do the same and time and time again Charlie was proven right when Vaggie never left while she undoubtedly soothed a bit of Charlie’s fear of abandonment by never leaving her side.

And to Charlie that was enough. She doesn’t need huge grand gestures from Vaggie, she just needs her to be there and help her. It’s love and it’s simple because it’s Charlie.

Of course it all inevitably comes crashing down as it’s revealed that Vaggie has been lying this entire time. I don’t want to come off like I blame Vaggie for what she did. Frankly I can’t say that I wouldn’t have done the exact same thing in the same situation. The more that time passed and Charlie and her fell deeper in the love the harder it would have been to just come out and say it. The time to be honest would have passed months and months ago and now she’s just forced to completely live the lie as we can tell by how she barely reacts when Adam shows up at their door in Heaven. I think a part of her was so deep in this lie that even the presence of him and the lady that straight up maimed her doesn’t cause her to lose composure until he makes it clear that he definitely remembers who she is.

Vaggie also has very little besides Charlie. She has dedicated herself so fully to Charlie and what she wants that to lose her would have been a blow to her soul so severe I’m not sure she would have recovered. I do think there’s something to be said about Vaggie’s dependency on Charlie and how that fueled this lie to begin with. If Vaggie had other support systems then it’s possible that she wouldn’t have felt the need to hold onto this lie for so long and I think we can see that in the way that she immediately tells the others in the hotel after they get back from Heaven. Whether she likes it or not they have become an extension of her family too and not just Charlie’s. Of course it’s obviously a lot easier to tell them because she’s not nearly as emotionally attached to them as she is to Charlie but I do still think that being able to tell someone at all is a step forward for her and most likely helped her better come to terms with it.

Unfortunately while I understand all that, just like with Lucifer, we have to be honest about the ways in which this affects Charlie as a character. As I said before I really don’t think it mattered to Charlie one bit who Vaggie really was. If Charlie had known about who Vaggie was from the beginning, knowing who Charlie is as a person, I think she would have been livid at the way that Heaven treated one of their own but I don’t think in any way would she have hated Vaggie or blamed her for what happened.

Even so, everyone needs their own time and space to cope with such intense revelations about people. If Vaggie was going to tell Charlie the truth after so many years the only way to do it and even remotely soothe any of the grief and shock Charlie would have felt would have been to do it in private very quietly and then give Charlie the space to try and come to terms with it.

Regrettably that is most definitely not how Charlie found out. Instead she found out in probably the worst possible setting at probably the worst possible time. Forced instead to deal with the horror of it all while in Heavenly court of all places, out of the mouth of the man who had a hand in casting her own Mother and Father to Hell. Humiliating both Charlie and Vaggie in a desperate attempt to shift some of the heat off of them for admitting to genocide.

With all that though, Charlie still doesn’t blame Vaggie. She would have every reason to hate Vaggie after this but that would also go against everything that Charlie stands for. So that just leads Charlie to instead blame herself. Instead of blaming Vaggie for lying to her, Charlie just asks herself what is so wrong with her that she’s unable to be trusted. Instead of hating Vaggie she just hates herself. This causes Charlie to spiral down a bad mental path where the fear of abandonment from her parents and her need for validation rear their ugly head.

If the one person who has stood by Charlie’s side this entire time doesn’t even believe in her then who does? The woman she’s loved for years and has trusted with everything from dark secrets to petty grievances doesn’t even trust her enough to tell her who she really is and what actually happened to her. Charlie is terrified that Vaggie doesn’t think she’s worthy of this secret. In that moment of pain she fears that she’s not worthy of the same unconditional love that she has given everyone else this entire time because she thinks that Vaggie must think there are conditions to her love. That Vaggie thinks Charlie will not love her if she knows she used to be an exorcist is all that runs through Charlie’s head.

Deep down I think these are worries that Charlie has relatively often. She doubts herself immensely and uses her love of others as a way to fill the hole in her own heart but so far these worries were unfounded with Vaggie. To have them suddenly come true is like having your worst fears validated to you and Charlie is so lost in her own grief that she doesn’t stop to think why Vaggie would have done this in the first place. This causes her to lash out at Vaggie and accuse her of keeping even more secrets when deep down Charlie probably just wants to break down and beg Vaggie to love her anyway even when she’s the one unworthy of love. Just in the same way she probably wants to beg her Mother to come back and love her again.

Fortunately for all of us Rosie is able to swoop in and help Charlie realize what she knew all along deep down but was in too much pain to admit to: that Vaggie wanted to tell her this whole time but was deeply ashamed of the things she had done. It would have gone against everything that Charlie and her hotel stood for to not forgive her and this is seemingly before Charlie even knows the real reason that Vaggie was cast out of Heaven. She has no idea that Vaggie was damned for sparing a child but even so, the act of turning against the genocide and saying enough, regardless of how it happened, is all it takes for Vaggie to be deserving of forgiveness. Just in the same way that Pentious was deserving of redemption when he was vulnerable about his feelings and allowed himself to love, Vaggie is deserving because of allowing Charlie in to love her, even filled with guilt and grief over the things she had done.

She could have run from Charlie and let that grief and guilt consume her and become just another one of Hell’s sinners lost in their own pain and unwilling to change, but instead she decided to let Charlie in and do whatever it took to make Charlie’s dreams a reality while also seeking her own redemption, albeit in a different way from how Charlie has been trying to redeem people.

I think all that Vaggie truly wanted from Charlie was to be forgiven for her actions but was so afraid of not receiving it that she hid it instead, forgetting that in turn all Charlie wanted to do was love her and forgiveness would have come from her as easily as that love. The only way that Vaggie could have ever gotten her redemption was by being honest, laying it all on the table and then allowing Charlie to continue to love her.

So thank goodness then that Vaggie accepted her unconditional love and gave it right back, amplifying it and putting it back out into the world to maybe do a little good for once and frankly Vaggie doesn’t need Heaven for that to be true redemption for her at last.

So that’s that. Hopefully I at least got my points across somewhat competently. I’m slightly out of practice with this kind of writing but Hazbin Hotel has enraptured me in a way that I have not felt about a piece of media in a long long time. On that topic though, if you’re like me and cannot get enough of fictional Gods and media that tackles religion in interesting ways I would like to be self indulgent one last time and recommend some books with themes that you might vibe with if you’re also obsessed with Hazbin in the ways that I am.

The Sparrow by Mary Doria Russell about first contact with an alien race that turns into an exploration on the nature of God and what it means for us if God truly exists but is indifferent to our suffering.

The Library at Mount Char by Scott Hawkins about a bunch of kids training to be Gods that also features a fucked up father figure if you’re into that.

Kingdoms of the Wall by Robert Silverberg about the dangers of encountering an alien race so early in their development that they can only see our superior knowledge as God-like and worship humanity as deities.

A Canticle for Leibowitz by Walter M. Miller Jr about the cyclical nature of history as humanity crawls back out of a nuclear fallout only to succumb to the same mistakes centuries later simultaneously clinging to and denouncing their new religion that got them so far in the first place.

Midnight, Water City by Chris McKinney about how a person comes to be deified and the horrible consequences of making a human a God.

And if you know of anything similar I am always open to suggestions, it’s about 95% of the media I consume at this point.

#hazbin hotel #charlie morningstar #the devil wears her heart on her sleeve #and we would all do well to be just a little bit more like her

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ladyloveandjustice · 2 years

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My Favorite Books I Read in 2022

I read a TON of books in 2022- roughly 62, (and 54 separate graphic novels/manga series, but we’ll cover that in another post). You can see them all here- the print books start with Hench.

This was thanks to how I started listening to audiobooks while doing chores/working out in addition to reading, and some downtime at the office where I checked out low effort reads. So I thought it would be fun to just give some very quick overviews of the best books I read this year.

First up is:

This is How You Lose the Time War by Max Gladstone and Amal El-Mohtar

Deliciously lyrical and lovely, this novella tells the story of two dangerous women who are rivals on the opposite side of a war fought through time-travel- they taunt each other through letters and ever-so-slowly fall in love. I failed to finish this when I attempted it a couple years ago, I wasn’t in the best place and while I knew the writing was great, I had a hard time processing all the information. I’m really glad I gave it another shot with the audiobook- the narration is wonderful and drew me right in. I would to each letter and then read it in print, tasting each word again like a drop of sweet, dark syrup. It’s got a wonderful fairy-tale element despite being a sci-fi and the colorful picture it paints of time-travel and the ever shifting identities and forms the characters take on is worth getting lost in.

Spinning Silver by Naomi Novik

I listened to this on audiobook, and it was a great experience. I still have an image in my head of huddling in bed late at night, the narration like a dark, icy wind rattling the windowpane, yet each sentence cradled me and made me feel even cozier under the covers. Based on Polish folklore, the narrative follows a girl who tires of how the villagers spurn and scorn her family for being Jewish moneylenders, so she decides to take matters into her own hands- but her business saavy and talent for multiplying silver catches the attention of some fearful supernatural beings who want to cut a deal. Her story intersects with two other women- one a princess on the run from a demon, one a girl with a family in debt and a cruel father. It’s a sharp and biting fairytale with a lush sense of a setting. I had a few matter-of-my-own-taste quibbles with the ending, but it was a wonderful winter journey.

One Last Stop and I Kissed Shara Wheeler by Casey McQuiston

One Last Stop follows a college girl new to NYC who gets in a romance with a woman who seems to be mysteriously bound to a the subway- and bound to the wrong decade when she should be in the 1970′s! This is a full on mega-cheesy, tooth achingly sweet romance, but for once it’s kinda laser-targets at my gay, awkward self, so I actually really enjoyed it. I wasn’t even bored by the sex scenes and liked reading them, which is unusual for me.

I didn’t enjoy I Kissed Shara Wheeler quite as much, but it’s still worth a mention. The protagonist is a gay girl trying to adjust to existing in a Bible-Belt school, who receives a kiss and a mysterious letter from the supposedly perfect fundie popular girl Shara Wheeler- right before Shara disappears. It’s a YA, and it does a good job capturing what it’s like to be a teen-in-denial of how much they love mess when it comes to love interests, and touches on some of the struggles being queer in the conservative area, while striking down the idea everyone should just move to New York for salvation.

The Deep by Rivers Solomon

This novella tales the tale of Yetu, a member of an undersea race descended from pregnant African women who were thrown off slave ships. She is tasked with carrying the memories and pain of all the generations of her people. It’s an affecting and gut-twisting examination of generational trauma and how one copes with it- is it possible to carry all that agony, or is it best to forget? The narration was a bit dry at times, but it’s a story that stays with you.

I'm Glad My Mom Died by Jeanette McCurdy

Heartbreaking but at times darkly funny, McCurdy’s memoir about her relationship with her abusive mother and struggles with child stardom is worth all the hype, in my opinion. The writing is punchy and the story is told in short vignettes that make for an addicting read/listen. McCurdy does a great job communicating the degrading horror of both familial abuse and exploitative studios, while sardonically highlighting the absurdity the abuse thrives.

Otherside Picnic Vol 7: Funeral of the Moon by Iori Miyazawa

Otherside Picnic truly has my heart. The stories themes of healing from abuse and trauma come to a triumphant crescendo in this volume where Sorawo decides to deal with the Satsuki problem once and for all. It actually inspired me to write a whole article about the themes surrounding trauma, abuse and recovery in this series and how wonderfully they’re handled, which should hopefully be out it couple months!

Nona the Ninth by Tamsyn Muir

Cows. Free Mustache Rides. Barbie. Nona is impossible to spoil. I got even more hype for The Locked Tomb series after re-experiencing the first two installments in the excellent audio books narrated by Moira Quirk, and Tamsyn Muir cracked my brain open all over again. We get to see a little bit more of what life is like outside the Nine Houses in this one. I found it a little more plodding than the previous two, but it’s still a great installment of my current favorite book series. I’m probably going to listen to the audiobook version soon, which considering I only read it a few months ago, that tells you just how much I enjoyed it.

Loveless by Alice Oseman

A YA following a university girl on a journey to realizing she’s aromantic-asexual. Her fears and feelings of alienation drive her to make some bad choices and risk losing what’s really important. This book almost felt too painfully real- I’m not aromantic, but I came to terms with being asexual in college, and struggled in a similar way. I still struggle sometimes. But while the relatability was almost painful, I felt a deep kinship with this book, and these messy, silly teens and their messy, beautiful friendships. Asexuality is still so rarely talked about and represented that I’m really glad this is out there.

The Honeys by Ryan La Sala

A haunting YA horror, the story follows Mars, a genderfluid kid who was chased out of a fancy rich-kid summer camp that enforces a strict gender binary. His sister remained at the camp and hung out with a group of beautiful, popular girls nicknamed the Honeys. After she ends up dead under suspicious circumstances, Mars goes back to camp to find the truth, but now he himself is hunted. With spooky and visceral prose, some pointed and well deployed social commentary, and an A+ atmosphere, this was a great October read.

The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo by Taylor Jenkins Reid

I’d been stinging from disappointment from some books I’d been anticipating but found myself trudging through at times, so this page-turner was a breath of fresh air. The book is about a woman interviewing a movie star from the golden age of cinema known as Evelyn Hugo, only to find that her life was full of secrets and her seven husbands are far from the most interesting relationship in her life. The prose might be too simple for some, but I think it made sense in the context of a woman narrating her life to someone, and it made it very accessible. I knew the main 'twist' of the story, but there were lots more twists it pulled off well. I appreciate that Evelyn was so flawed, and that the book wasn't afraid to let the reader wrestle with a lot of the bad things she did while still showing areas where she deserved sympathy. There were a lot of parts I wish the book could have gone more in depth with (though in the context of a woman telling her life story, it did make sense she didn't in certain areas) and that the viewpoint character was a little more developed, but overall I really enjoyed this as a quick read.

Norse Mythology By Neil Gaiman

A great primer on Norse myth- there were only a couple of these I knew in detail, with a few other I knew about vaguely, and I found it to be a really entertaining and accessible read. Probably not as useful for a Norse Myth know-it-all, but it did a good job piquing my interest.

Bonus reads- these weren’t quite five stars, but were interesting enough to be worth mentioning!

Library of the Unwritten by A.J. Hackwith

In Hell, there’s a library for unfinished stories. The problem is, the characters sometime escape their stories and cause mayhem. It’s up to Hell’s librarian to wrangle them. This had a killer premise and likeable characters, but I found the narrative a little detached and thought it tried to do a little too much at once. Still definitely worth checking out for fans of stories about stories.

Carmilla by J. Sheridan Le Fanu

I read Dracula this year, but I found the classic lesbian vampire story held together a bit better overall, even if the ending was really anticlimactic. I loved the titular vampire. You can check out my reactions here!

T.J. Powar Has Something to Prove by Jesmeen Kaur Deo

This was a really sweet little YA story about an Indian-American girl dealing with the stigma around her body hair. I did find the debate parts a bit dull though, despite the fact I was in debate in high school

Thistlefoot by GennaRose Nethercott

A story steeped in Jewish folklore where two siblings inherit a Baba Yaga house. I found the middle a bit of a slog (and there were a few characters who didn’t have a real reason to be there) but the ending came together really well.

Hench by Natalie Zina Walschots

A temp worker in the henchmen-for-supervillains business gets injured by a hero, and nursing a grudge, uses her statistics know how to destroy the superheroes in creative ways. Her talent catches the eye of the premiere villain, and she gets in deep. It was a really creative concept and biting look at the gig economy and the world of celebrity, and I enjoyed a lot of it! While the heroes are assholes, the stuff the villains do to them (and especially their families) can get pretty uncomfortable, which I found interesting in a morally-grey way but I did wonder about the weird fixation the book had with kidnapping children. I know it’s a go-to for supervillains, but it’s still weirdly overused. And while I don’t mind body horror, the ending was so fixated on it that I actually had to flip ahead to get through it, it was so repetitive and a little bizarre. Still, it stuck in my head and I’m down for a sequel.

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It was a good year in books and I’m looking forward to the next one!

#year in books #my reviews #books #otherside picnic #this is how you lose the time war #the locked tomb #spinning silver #queer lit #recs #thistlefoot #hench

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my-mt-heart · 2 years

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Caryl, and Carylers, Are Stuck In Limbo

Putting a warning right up top because some of the things I get into later might be triggering to those who have struggled with mental/emotional health. Please don’t feel obligated to read that part or any of this if it’s too difficult.

I could easily turn this into a “positivity” post, focusing on all of the romantic implications of Daryl’s and Carol’s scenes in the finale. Like Daryl’s eyes being glued to Carol when she says what a beautiful day it is, how Judith’s final words of advice to Daryl imply that his happiness is with Carol, how Daryl’s “I love you” marks a new milestone not just for their relationship, but for a “man of few words” like Daryl Dixon, how Carol’s “I love you” intentionally tries to remove the gravity of those three words in order to lessen the agony of their goodbye, and how the open-endedness of it leaves room for more stories for them in the future.

I would love nothing more than to focus on all of that, it’s what I’m most comfortable doing, but that would mean overlooking a massive issue that impacts these characters’ alleged future and impacts the fanbase and that feels like a great disservice. If it makes me a negative nancy or whatever we’re calling that subset of Caryl fans, then that’s that. For the record, I hate that we’ve fostered this culture where our thoughts have to exist in a binary. Why can’t my thoughts be nuanced? Why can’t I give credit where credit is due and think critically about other things? Does it mean I don’t really love the show or its characters? It feels like someone associated with the show might be perpetuating that way of thinking, but I’ll get into that soon.

Like I already mentioned, my biggest gripe with the finale is the lack of emotional realism for the characters in terms of the paths they’re taking. There have been no clues, none whatsoever, that Daryl’s “ready to move on” or that Carol had any desire to take over for Hornsby. It retcons years of some of the most beautiful character development I’ve ever seen, and fuck, it even retcons the retcons from just this season alone. How do you justify Daryl deciding to leave Judith after he’s become a “daddy” to her? How do you justify Daryl deciding to leave Carol after he tried so hard to stop her from running away? I see no effort whatsoever to make it even remotely believable. They were just forced to take several steps backward, getting trapped in narrative limbo, doomed to repeat the same storylines we saw in S9/S10C where Carol has to play pretend for the good of everyone else around her and Daryl has to be on his own, struggling to find where he belongs. After 11 seasons, the characters and the audience have earned some relief, and what we’re all stuck with is just more heartbreak and anxiety. Why? Because AMC needs to service a spinoff that has never and still does not make any narrative sense. That’s all it is, character integrity be damned.

I’m not trying to rob anyone of the hope they might have for more Caryl stories down the line. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with hoping, and we do deserve those stories, but we don’t have anything official. Vague promises from actors and EPs don’t carry much weight because at the end of the day, their goal is to try to get us hooked on what they’re selling, and if they can’t do that with good storytelling, the only thing that really matters, they’ll resort to marketing ploys. So, I think it’s important to be skeptical and to use our wallets to remind AMC that we’re skeptical. Otherwise, we’re only giving them permission to keep stringing us along indefinitely, to deny us the stories we really want because they expect us to settle for less than what’s been earned.

Think about the shortcuts taken in S11 and the regressions in the finale. If you think that can be chalked up to Kang’s and her writers’ “incompetence,” then I’d also encourage you to consider everything we’ve been told about le Daryl so far. Castles, and nightclubs, and endless epic-ness, oh my. But if Gimple has CRM brain, Zabel has never worked on a TWD show before, McDermott is focused on setting a different tone, and Norman needs Daryl to be the unattached, badass hero, then who’s monitoring the character arcs so that if Caryl fans were to watch, we feel welcome to the story, like we’re still with the character we’ve known and loved for 12 years even as he navigates new challenges? Who’s double checking that his relationship with Carol is still being respected? If Daryl’s in a similar headspace as 10C, does that mean we’re in for another Leah-esque arc? More ship baiting?

I don’t agree with other fans that Norman bears *all* the responsibility for what happened to our promised Caryl spinoff, but it does upset me to see this disdainful attitude about Caryl fans, who are also his/Daryl’s fans, expressed over and over again as if 1) we need to be guilted or shamed into watching his show and 2) we don’t meet his criteria for what constitutes a fan. But for all the offense he seems to take that we don’t just accept this show without Carol or take him at his word that Caryl will meet down the road at some unknown point in time, we the Caryl fans, again that’s Carol AND Daryl fans, don’t feel listened to and we don’t feel reassured.

My job teaches me to see the unglamorous side of television, but engaging in fandom has taught me something just as valuable, which is the human side. No, actors shouldn’t be bullied. I’ve been very adamant about that. What needs more emphasis though is how the fans are treated in return. They’re numbers to the network, but to me they’re real people who for one reason or another found something meaningful in following these two characters throughout their journey together, and they don’t deserve to be exploited for their viewership. They don’t deserve to have, what is for some, their only source of comfort in life ripped away so more privileged individuals can live out whatever dreams they have for themselves. I’m not singling out Norman, but he says he doesn’t like all of the “whining.” You know what I don’t like? *Putting out that trigger warning again.* I don’t like people in my DM’s sharing stories of severe anxiety, depression, self-harm, or suicidal thoughts because they lost something special to them, because they feel rejected by a show they love or an actor they admire. To many, it is not “just a TV show” and I think anyone who turns their passion for film/TV into a career should be able to empathize with that.

Emotional and financial investment in Carol’s AND Daryl’s story is a completely valid reason for skepticism and “protests.” I’ve seen people argue that creators don’t owe their audience anything and it’s their story to tell, and while some shows certainly set a poor example, that’s actually not how things are supposed to work. If you’re making a TV show, you do so with your audience in mind. If you spend twelve years utilizing the amazing chemistry between two actors to build a meaningful relationship like no other, you honor that story and in doing so, you honor the millions of people who enable you to tell that story in the first place. Theoretically, the people who work on your favorite show should take satisfaction in giving you something you’ll love. I’m happy to say that’s been my experience so far as a writer in the industry.

And as a woman in the industry, I can’t not take it personally if I have reason to suspect sexist/misogynistic practices are hindering some of the most talented and hard working among us, the ones who are needed both on and offscreen to create content that resonates with a diverse audience. It’s been encouraging to see so many others take it just as seriously, I imagine because so many others are also women and have had to battle sexism in their own lives. It’s not painting anyone as a victim or minimizing their agency. It’s just offering support. Women helping women.

We’ve been called crazy, unhinged, conspiracy theorists, and feminists for raising these concerns and sure, we have blind spots. Yes, there are lines that shouldn’t be crossed. But overall, I don’t believe fans have anything to feel bad about. When all of this started, AMC didn’t seem to think Carol matched Daryl in popularity, and we’ve been trying to push them to realize that isn’t true, that in fact, she is vital in her own right as well as to Daryl’s story. I don’t like to make assumptions about people I don’t know, but even if we got some things wrong, I can’t imagine Melissa would begrudge the overwhelming amount of love and appreciation she’s been shown, and I hope there isn’t a doubt in her mind how much her portrayal of Carol means to us. The whole point of rallying in her name was not to pressure her into something she didn’t want to do or invade her privacy. It was to make absolutely sure she has the power to choose what she wants for her character’s future.

I will be beyond thrilled if I have to put my foot in my mouth like Norman said. I’ll put all the “foots” in my mouth because more than anything, I want Carol and Daryl to reunite and finish their story the way they should. But if it’s true my viewership is valued, show me, don’t tell me. In the meantime, I will not relax and I will not chill. I’m going to be upset about what I’ve been left with, which is the absolute last thing I wanted for both of my favorite characters.

Like I said, my blog is still here. My inbox is open.

#caryl #caryl fandom #caryl deserved better #darylneedscarol #carol peletier #melissa mcbride #norman reedus #mcreedus

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kutputli · 2 years

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I planned to rewatch season 2 of Ted Lasso doing my Nate notes before watching season 3, but the torrent dropped and I was weak. So since I seem to have decided to break my lurker mode and get into participatory fandom after mumblemutter years, forewith! Oh also, I propose a #Safe for Nate Fans tag for ease of finding posts of likeminded people. :)

I find myself watching the show with a split conciousness. Which is always how I watched it. In one way, I watch it in ‘normal’ mode, which is to say through a white gaze, which I’ve cultivated through decades of watching white media and being perfectly able to enjoy and appreciate it. When I do that, I’m able to spread my attention wide and indulge my curiousity about all the characters. (I’ve never had much affection for either Ted or Rebecca, so I look around them to see what the rest are doing. Roy, Trent, and Sam the most, and then Keeley and Jamie.)

But reading fannish posts about the show, and reading fic, inevitably gets me into the second mode of watching, which is as a person of colour, watching a show made by white people, which has a few (so few!) characters of colour. And oh boy, the defensive tension that envelopes me as I watch it that way.

All of which is to say, its very hard to code switch between both. Either I can be in one mode and complain about the absence of Trent when teased with James Lance in the series regular credits, and I can writhe in the excruciating agony that is Roy and Keeley’s shattering heartbreak as they go through their super mature super friendly concious decoupling and to wonder where the fuck a constantly crying Keeley came from and when she hung out with Higgins so often... or.

Or I can talk about how I automatically notice every non-white body in every frame, and start counting them in every scene with extras.

And since I guess there will be enough posts doing the former, that I can like and agree with, I might as well do the latter.

I am so angry about Sharon being given a (presumably) white boyfriend. Because the ultimate signaling that a Black woman is successful is for her to have a conventionally hot, thin, tall, WHITE man. Fucking yuck.

Meanwhile Nate... Jesus. Watching him be cruel to people below him is just painful. That moment when he ignores the hello from the Black woman on the escalater... ugh. And there’s always the explanation that he is so caught up in his own head and his paralysis of social interaction, but still. It’s wrong, and it hurts to watch. I can’t bear people who are rude to employees, and I’m so angry with Nate for doing that. And I’m also angry that I have to keep pointing out to myself, in response to the fannish reactions I’m anticipating, that none of what he is doing is worse than the way Rebecca treated her employees. (And probably how Cartrick treated the players?) The dum-dum line is just terrible, but then again, Ted Lasso told Nate to call his players big dumb pussies, so...

Nate’s new colleagues! Disco is entertaining! I enjoy how he does not seem to be judging Nate, and has an eager terrier vibe of his own. It would be nice if they could be friends.

Rupert’s PA Ms. Kakes, that pallid zombie lady, is interesting, because here’s my prediction. She’s kind of Rupert’s new Higgins. So she probably has to help him bring his women in and out. I suspect at some point Rupert will either sexually harass her, or do something else that she feels responsibility for, and Nate is going to side with her over Rupert. And that (to call back to Keeley’s line about how the previous business in her new office got shut down) is going to be how Nate will help take down Rupert. (I did enjoy the casual mention of the Sacklers as Rupert’s friends to signpost that he is Truly Evil and The Worst. Yes Rupert, you are.)

I am also enjoying the hell out of watching the craft both Anthony Stewart Head (Giles!) and Nick Mohammed are bringing to their scenes, because they are both being so very layered. Rupert just keeps flipping on a dime between genuinely charming and flirtatiously encouraging, and coldblooded threats (he totally staged that car tow, like he got Robbie Williams cancelled). And Nathan... can hold his own! He’s getting so much better and being able to keep up with the social interaction, and respond to the situation as needed, and yet maintain a bit of his own voice and opinion (on his face, if nowhere else.) I honestly thought Nate would just let them tow the car away and try to get it back quietly afterwards, out of shame, but he spoke up for his ride. (And of course the parallels - Nate gave Ted a ride in his car on his first day, Rupert gave Nate a car on his first day.)

And now, Nate’s first press conference! (And of course, all the parallels with Ted’s)

“I’m pretty sure I said wonderkind” - this is at the heart of the Problem of Nathan. Because, he didn’t. I’ve gone back and watched it. We’ve all gone back and watched it. We’ve seen Jan Maas point out to him his mistake. But Nathan just doesn’t let it go. He keeps sticking with the lie. Has he convinced himself about it too? I honestly can’t tell. But here’s the thing. This is a character who has for years, for decades, been dealing with lies and gaslighting and omissions - structurally, by being the kind of person he is in the place he is in. He was told he was worthless, and only capable of being a kitman, and of course I can fill in all the lies a brown man in post-Brexit Britain gets met with, just while walking down the street. Colin and Isaac and Jamie all acted like they had never bullied him. Rebecca taking actions that anyone with a knowledge of the game and the club like Nate has would be able to tell were harmful, and then just acting like she was always everyone’s well wisher. People in power lie, and the structure supports their gaslighting and their rewriting of of history. So that’s what Nate is doing, stubbornly pushing his own stupid, ridiculous lie at all the powerful people he aspires to be a part of. This is the part where I’d like to sit Nate down and ask him what his morals really are. Does he want to make of himself a Rishi Sunak or Bobby Jindal? Is he that self-serving and hypocritical?

There are two reasons why I know Nate to be better than the average self-serving conservative desi sell-out: One is the deep vein of feminism and sensitivity that runs through him - his inner critic is as harsh on him about the misogynistic mistakes he makes as about the social cues he fumbles. And the second is that, unlike Ted (who cares about people) and Rebecca (who cares about winning), Nate cares about the game. He has a deep love for football, which is what fuels his knowledge of it. And unlike Rupert, I don’t think Nate hungers for power (though he definitely misuses what power he now has). I think Nate hungers for belonging - for being included, for having the right to be considered an inalienable part (of the game, of the people, of the nation). The only way out is through, but I hope that we will find a distinction between the way Rupert loves the game - wanting ownership and control, and how Nate loves the game - wanting inclusion and celebration of his own talents in improving it.

But back to that press conference. Nate having the soundtrack of an impending panic attack like Ted had is a bit on the nose, and I get that the show wants us to keep comparing how Ted deals/dealt with a situation vs how Nate does. But, I’m sorry, you just cannot keep making 1:1 comparisons between a well off white American and a middle class brown Britisher. As Nate keeps futilely reminding the narrative - he has a right to be here, he belongs!

What I find frustrating and fascinating is the entire absence of any discussion of Nate as a person in Richmond - Higgins and Rebecca are alone, watching his press conference, and there is not one personal remark about him - oh, he’s really gone grey now! Has he lost weight? His contract was generous enough for him to have not needed to leave, right? Something? Anything! Even Beard and Roy and Ted - all we get is a “that little shit” from Roy. It’s all of Nate’s worst fears - they don’t know him, they don’t remember anything about him, they don’t talk about him. Contrast that with how much Rebecca talks about Rupert. Whatever happened to ‘be curious, not judgemental’? I actually think that’s rubbish - I am both curious AND judgemental of things that bother me, but why is no one gossiping about their assistant coach suddenly fucking off?

Besides the journalist who asked the sewer photo question to Nate, there was another older Black woman journalist in the funky flowy top. I hope one of them becomes the Trent Crimm to him. Though its nice to see Marcus Adebayo get his full byline at the Independent. Marcus’s article says, “Harsh words from Shelley for the club and coach who raised from obscurity as the kitman to assistant coach” and yet again - the same misleading narrative of white saviorism and enforced gratitude. Ted needed Nate’s help to do the job he was unqualified to do, and Nate gave his extra labour, skill and help for a full season without any recompense. For all of Ted’s being nice about Nate on a personal level (and I do believe in the genuineness of that niceness) he has not reversed this narrative of what Nate owes to him.

And that is the Problem of Ted Lasso. Ted values personal kindness and generosity over structural change which is both why he fails to be an actual friend to the first person (of colour) who was kind to him when he came to the UK, and also why he is failing as a coach to get his team to the victorious position his boss wants him to take it to.

And then we see Ted Lasso ‘fighting back’, as Rebecca begs him to. (A note that marginalised people are often not perceived as fighting back against the structural injustices that attack them daily; they are mostly portrayed by the dominant framing as just ‘combative’ and ‘angry’.)

This scene is doing a lot of work, and I think of it as emblematic of the show (and the writers) greatest strengths and weaknesses both. The show is good at craft and writing and flipping from emotion to comedy to pathos to truth, and this scene does all that. Ted makes himself vulnerable, though you can see how it batters at him to invite those laughs. It’s a contrast to Nate - a reminder that the masculinity the show values is about bringing down one’s defences and inviting collaborative relationships - get people to laugh with you, don’t attack, be kind.

But the show is also terrible at accounting for the ways that race and racism are a structural force that affects every character it casts with a racialised body, and this scene highlights it. Nobody laughed with Nate when he was self-deprecating and open. In season 1 we see him constantly try to respond to his bullies with laughter and smiles, trying to play it off as banter between equals so as to minimise the hurt it causes as violence with a power imbalance. It doesn’t work. (And anyone who has studied the evolution of the stand up comedy circuit over the past few decades - a background that of these several show writers have - knows the ways that material is racialised, both the race of the comedian, and of the audience, matters deeply in figuring out what material gets people to laugh, and when.)

You cannot expect me to believe that Nathan Shelley, newly minted coach of West Ham, at his first press conference, could have got everyone to laugh with him and twitter to meme approvingly had he made jokes about calling himself a dummy and the washer of other players’ underwear. That Ted’s tactics are universal, and would work for any man, and not specifically a successful white american who got paid the big bucks to do a job he wasn’t qualified for while he fucked off and left his son on his Eat Pray Love foreign travel. (Nathan will never be allowed to forget that he fucked up the pronunciation of wonderkind. Ted can make comments about a reptile having a belly button uncontested.)

And I bet that’s what Nate is thinking as he watches that press conference - that subtle fear and sadness on his face (God, Nick Mohammed is SO FUCKING GOOD) for both himself and Ted. Nate cares for Ted as he resents him, and watching Ted publicly take a hammer to himself like this is scary and painful. But its also terrifying because Nate has been frantically trying to keep up with the rules of professional interaction in the echelons of power, and now here’s another exception made. Did he just fuck up again, making them laugh at his wit about another team, the way that Rupert clearly indicated he was to do?Ted was the one who taught him it was ok to be snarky and snappy and put-downy! Now he has to account for a different way to play the game?

I’m not going to pick a side on the headcanons about Nate being neurodiverse, but even for neurotypical people codeswitching and transitioning across lines of race and class and culture - it is exhausting to keep up with the constantly edited rulebook in your head. And Nate has not a single person on his side to help him do it.

Cue the text from him mum, which, imma just going to be full South Asian and call her Aunty. Because she sends him photos of the pretty moon, and he responds sweetly, because of course he does. I bet she sends him whatsapp forwards about eating almonds soaked overnight in water. The thing about his dad being upset about him swearing - its a very immigrant experience to have to prove over and over that you know the language as well as the white people, and can use it properly and politely, that you aren’t uncouth and barbaric. I know exactly where the dad is coming from and I also know how it cuts Nate like a knife that never once can his parents just be fucking normal (white) and say love you! (This is why I maintain that Nathan’s dad is not the James Tartt Sr monster that fandom makes him out to be. He’s an immigrant parent who raised a diaspora kid and the can of worms of messy fucked up relationship that involves is a whole other thing.)

I love that Nate read the note saying follow your gut, and immediately went for the honesty of admitting that he didn’t know whether to open the present in front of her or not. (The struggle is real).

Ms Kake’s ‘its a car’ was beautifully delivered. I get the sense that this character is watching a seduction going on as she has had to facilitate for many before, and is observing with the attentive dispassion of a scientist.)

Rupert nodding from the asinine futuristic window like a cartoon supervillian, while Nate gives a nod and immediately after (he can’t help it!) and awkward thumbs up. God I love these two actors. And I really really want to watch Nate collaborate with Ms Kake and take on Rupert. That would be the parallel to season 1 Ted and Higgins vs Rebecca that is worth making the comparison with. (Nate, unlike Colin, can drive a fancy car perfectly well.)

I’m not a fan of the precocious children dispensing wisdom trope, so Henry telling Ted he still needs to try to win, and Phoebe saying Roy is stupid for breaking up is whatever, but if I don’t see Nate’s niece in person this season, I will sulk a lot. (I am assuming Trent Crimm’s daughter will show up as part of whatever romantic arc he’s destined for.)

My final plea for the season is to see Nate in non-branded non-work clothes, and not That Suit, either. Let the man do a scene in jeans and a soft sweater! And thank you lord, for the gratuitous shirtless Sam shot.

#ted lasso season 3 #ted lasso spoilers #safe for nate fans #i guess i should have a nate tag

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10holmes · 1 year

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The LiuJiu brainrot is soooo bad.

I've devoured about any and all angsty, heartbreaking but also wholesome fics there are for this pairing but I crave more!

I can't explain it.

There's just something about reading about Shen Jiu's silent struggles as a disciple (and later as a peak lord), while (not) dealing with his own trauma and PTSD, and even though he's done nothing much to warrant it (not anything more or less than other people and given the moral/rule set-up of the story world), being constantly misunderstood and bullied and badmouthed by his peers that should be family and have his back or be more willing to get to know him and the truth of him before spreading falsehoods...

And in the meantime SJ/SQQ is still giving his all to the sect and maybe even trying to be better and appear less hostile or just deep down wants and wishes for someone to truly see and understand him...

And then we have LQQ who realizes somehow, either on a mission or in the Linxi Cave or through some other situation where SQQ steps in to help and save him or something other about his past or true character is revealed, that SJ is not the scum LQG was led to believe he was, and that LQQ got it all wrong, leading them to slowly reconcile as LQG owns up to his bad past bevaviour towards SJ and becomes compeltely whipped for him.

Well, this is the happy version of alternative fics I crave.

But I actually like it even more if everything remains unresolved: SQQ continues to suffer, especially by the hands of LQG although he wishes them to make up, and eventually dies, and LQQ only later learns the truth (some of it at least)...

Or my new brainrot of agony is, imagining SJ's soul never quite left after the transmigration happens, so he pays witness to how everyone grows to like SY as SQQ, and he can't help but feel pained, more so when even YQY and LQQ don't notice anything amiss...

How heartbreaking is that?! Watching an imposter get everything you always silently wanted or longed for (but also doing something that makes you hate and detest them for defiling his body in such a way -> getting together with LBG)

I just love thinking about SJ's thoughts watching the events of SVSSS unfurl. It sure would be one anxious angsty painful soliloquy...

But also imagine LQG notices something is amiss and knows that this is no longer SJ and he despairs, longing for his shixiong and wishing him back and even tries to somehow find his soul and bring it back, while SJ is hovering around him as a ghost, trying to reach out but unable to...

So much angst and heartbreak potential! I might actually write something with that premise.

But it would also just be nice to read it. I need more angsty painful LiuJiu fics. Call me deranged and sick, but I crave these fics like fine chocolate.

#shen jiu makes me feel so many things #shen qingqiu #svsss #also liujiu #liu qingge #holmes musings

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danganronpafan777 · 1 year

Note

I’m going to rant about the side story a bit cause I have no where else to rant about it

(Spoilers for dra and sdra2 omake 2 obv)

Ugh that Side Story hurt. Like genuinely hurt me.

Rei just straight up saying “The Rei Mekaru of the 79th class of Hope’s Peak Academy also died along with Teruya Otori.” Did a blow on me man, I haven’t stopped thinking about it since I read the side story

You can really see how much Rei’s grown here

Ironically, maybe it’s cause she’s talking to Tsurugi or is under influence, but I actually really see and recognize the Rei I remember in this scene unlike with how unrecognizable she was in the actual game. Now she’s disconnecting herself from the past because god she did not deserve to experience any of that - none of the dra students did

And then we have Tsurugi- for once I actually sympathize with him here (love hate relationship yknow-). It really opened my eyes to see that the Tsurugi Kinjo of the 79th class was… really not dead. It surprises me he still has that side of himself especially with all the in dislikable crap he did during sdra2 - but that’s what I’m talking about when I say Tsurugi should’ve been smart enough to rethink his actions between the years and I guess seeing the side story confirms that he DID think about them. And that really opened my eyes to his character - I mean of course I never doubted he was the best written character but the side story definitely made me like how his character was written even more.

And ugh seeing Rei in that state hurt me so so badly - she has every right to be upset and feel the need to drink if she wants to but ahdjs it brought my heart to agony like, I usually love angst but for some reason Rei in this side story just makes me really sad and not be able to get out of my head for literally an entire day. I just want to give her a gigantic hug. God Linuj why is this the first thing you post after half a year 😭

I absolutely agree with everything

This reminds me of why I write fanfiction, cuz literally everyone deserves better, (reader included-)

It’s surprising to see that Rei was wrong about the Kinjo of 79th class being dead, he was just buried deep down. Tsurugi silently screaming was just… wow. He just needs someone to vent to…

*insert pic of Tsurugi reading All My Friends Are Dead*

I want to hug them both sm

I’m mad that Teruya always thought he was a burden but never knew how important he was to keeping the Kisaragi Foundation together

Rei went from calling Teruya a dumbass in DRA to being loyal to him even after his death

Both Rei and Tsurugi are so well written, and Rei being angry because she knows Teruya wouldn’t be mad at them even knowing what they did (and he dedicated his last moments to tell them not to feel guilty) broke me

Seeing their guilt and Tsurugi’s dilemma really humanizes and brings the characters to life

I don’t really know why, but Rei denouncing herself, saying class 79 is dead just struck a chord, along with her telling Tsurugi, “If I hadn’t done this,” (Refering to her getting drunk) “I’d have actually killed you.”

The whole freaking story was heartbreaking

I’m kinda scared to see what event is being foretold that will completely changed the foundation…

LINUJ HOW THE HELL COULD THIS GET WORSE??

#Omake mode #sdra2 #teruya otori #rei mekaru #tsurugi kinjo

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aeona-ao3 · 3 months

Text

A Wayward Blade - Chapter 9

⚔️ Wyll x 🩸 Astarion Slow Burn / Eventual Smut / Hurt/Comfort

⚠️ Content Warnings Implied / Referenced SA, Implied / Referenced SI

This chapter:

The Shadowlands greet them coldly. Astarion grows increasingly frustrated with Wyll’s methods. A devil tracks the desperation in their scents.

Excerpt CW: Reference Past SA

Wyll yielded to him, in the end. It's good to know that he can apply a little bit of focused pressure to get his way. But Astarion isn't sure that the righteous warlock can help himself when it comes to the matters of devils — it's entirely possible that they get there and the man crumbles beneath the pressure. Shoulders his way in and ruins the one chance Astarion has at knowing. Knowing the purpose of the agony, the reason that aligns the scattered stars into coherent sense. Knowing the purpose of his creation, the reason why the death in the alleyway was only the first, rather than the last. Knowing, so that he can map out the trajectory of the pieces of the board. What had Raphael called it? The Theskan Counter-Gambit, or some nonsense. Attack Cazador's pieces to pressure the king himself. Make him beg, feed his rules back to him as Astarion flays his skin from his flesh, muscles from bone, as he finally gets to direct the bloody theater he's envisioned thousands of time in the confines of his skull — while in the tomb, in the Kennels, in the distant place he went to when Cazador was inside of him.

Summary

In the aftermath of the nautiloid crash, Wyll falls prey to the easiest trick in the book like some naive tourist, marking him as an easy target for the vampire spawn freshly freed from his master's command. Astarion latches onto the man's heroic tendencies; it's easy to pretend he needs saving. Of course, Astarion is only pretending. Right?

A mostly canon-compliant fic that follows the scaffolding of canon events in the frame of "Wyll as Player Character", using canon events to guide the overarching plot but focusing very primarily on building these two's relationship around it.

You can expect:

Sinfully intimate and erotic bloodletting

Angst, heartbreak, and some good ole Astarion manipulation to hide his trauma

Hopeless romantic Wyll saving anyone he feels needs saving

A slow, intimate burn towards some self-indulgent smut

Read on AO3

#bloodpact #wyll ravengard #wyllstarion #astarion #astarion ancunin #bg3 #astarion bg3 #wyll bg3 #fanfic #bg3 fanfic #fic #baldur's gate 3 #a wayward blade

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popcornforone · 1 year

Text

You’ve Not Lived, Until You Feel Alive

Chapter 2 of Is That All Mr Gutierrez series

Master List

Chapter 1

Thanks for the love for chapter 1 peoples, I know it was a little different to what I usually write but I need to character builds in this one. When we get to the smut it will be exactly what you all want.

Synopsis: Time has now passed & its 10 years since you had your first kiss with Javi. A lot has changed, & you’ve both grown, but your therapist is asking you to write a secure blog only they can see to get you to believe in yourself once again.

Word count:2500

Warnings: DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE UNDER THE AGE OF 18! THIS IS A VERY TRAUMATIC CHAPTER! I know this will not be for some of you, it gets dark, but I needed it too, I have to break the reader before they get to have fun. Death, murder, suicidal thoughts, violence, terrorists, cancer, shooting, blood, pain & suffering, angst, agony, anger, PTSD, mental health, nightmares. Pining, wanting, unrequited love not being returned, break ups, loss, sorrow. This chapter is done in a blog, journal format.

Again I am sorry if this is triggering or too much, but I needed to do this to character build. If you want to skip to chapter 3 that’s fine, it will be published soon.

Thanks for understanding peoples, it means a lot, & thanks for reading it’s always appreciated. Don’t worry the smut is on its way, I promise.

Secure therapy Blog post 18

I almost didn’t publish this. I really didn’t think anyone would want to hear what I had to say after the events but my therapist said I should just write when the day happened. Writings my therapy, it’s my creative outlet.

But today was the day the unimaginable thing happened….

My dad passed away & im not sure I can go on.

My dads been unwell for a while. We knew it was cancer & it disappeared about 4 years ago but then it came back, & it was incurable.

Nothing the doctors said… there’s nothing we can do… he’s got 6 months… go make memories with him… so that’s what my mum

& I have done.

My mum to have to go through another loss in her life. Another heartbreak, another good bye. I’m not ready to post about the other heart break yet, but I will do one day. It not mine that happened I don’t recall it.

But we have spent the last 18 months with my dad having the best time in the world. The Gutierrez wedding in Cuba for Javis older sister Luna was so much fun, my dads face as I danced with Javi after few too many drinks, thinking of what I could have had with Javi from my time as a teenager crushing on him. It was like time had frozen. My head buried into Javis neck, inhaling his scent for old time sake. The way his hand stroked my back, making me want more. Trying not to think that his fiancé was looking right at us. She knows I’m just his assistant & look after the legitimate side of the business. She has no idea the feelings I have hidden away from her soon to be husband. A pipe dream I had 10 years ago when I wrote my teenage diary.

But then we got home & dad took a downward turn. & he told me to be brave & go after my dreams & to always be true to myself.

When he was still with us after the 6 months the doctor originally told us, we took each day as a blessing. I don’t believe in god, but I know my dad does. Every night I asked my dads god for one more day with him. & obviously I asked for one too many.

Watching him pass was heartbreaking & but also soothing. He was no longer in pain. & what he did medically for the world to help & try & find a cure still astounds me. My dad went through awake brain surgery to see what happened when it was operated on & how it affects the body. He was so brave. If that procedure saves one life, my dads pain & death won’t have been for nothing.

The Gutierrez’ have told me to take as much time as I need. Javi has sent around a vase of black orchids, my favourite, he always says he sees my inner goth whenever he looks at them. He’s said the business can wait & that he can look after himself for a few days, but I am already missing that dimple & cheeky smile. Even now he has a calming influence on me. It’s just him, it’s just J. He will always be there for me. & yes it’s weird that one of my closest friends in the world is a drug lord & part of the mafia, but we run the legitimate side of the family empire. We run it well. & Javi knows a day will come when he has to run all of it. He’s not looking forward to that but he knows it’s his destiny. He & Sofia will raise an amazing family & have a fantastic life & I will watch by the side, maybe with a family of my own, watching them be happy & be glad I have a small part in their life.

My dad told me to be happy. & that’s what I’m going to do… be happy.

He wouldn’t want me to mope around & wait for life to happen.

So that’s what I’m going to do.

We will have the funeral, Javi Senior has said we can have the wake at their mansion, no need for us to have it in our hotel.

But then I think I need to take that gap year I’ve always promised I would do.

I want to see more of the world than just Spain & England. I want to experience life. I want to feel alive. That’s what my dad always said, you’ve not lived until you feel alive.

Dad I miss you.

I miss your smile.

Your kind eyes.

Your bad jokes.

& I miss that you will never walk me down the aisle or watch me grown into a woman. I know I am a woman but I have so many life experiences to come & you won’t be there to watch me grow & fail. Become proud of myself & who I become.

I love you dad…

I’m not sure I can do this without you…

Secure therapy Blog post 26

I’ve put this off

Everyone’s told me to type

Everyone asked me if I’m okay

I say I am

But I’m not

So here goes

4 months ago I nearly died…

even typing that feels like a weight has lifted off my shoulder

It was horrible

I should not be here

I can still feel the heat when I drop off to sleep

The dreams & nightmares are so vivid

Every day awake was already struggle & now my peaceful sleep is full of flashbacks of horrors or my worst nightmares

It’s pain like nothing else

I was in Rome, after seeing the opera, just on my own. I needed from space from mum, work & Javi. His break up was hurting him a lot & he’d been making rash impulsive decisions. It’s most unlike him. So I suggested I went away for a week, have some me time & so he can get over Sophia. The last thing we both needed was to be moody in each others presence.

So I flew to Rome, did all the sights & went shopping, hooked up with some guys & stayed in a nice hotel & went to the opera.

Then at 3am as I slept in bed I felt warm, it was September so the weather is to be expected. & then I heard the noise, & smelt the ash. A car had exploded outside our hotel & the front of the building had caught on fire. I grabbed my phone & keys & headed to the fire escape.

I could feel the heat surround me, my lungs desperately needing air, as this ash fog just coated my throat. I remember seeing some people pass out, lots of screaming & items on the floor that I did not register. I knew I had to make it out, I had to see everyone I cared for one last time

I know that in the last 18 months since my dad passed I’ve felt helpless & suicidal at times but I’ve always found strength & love from others, it’s got me though it. I needed to get out in one piece. I needed to be with everyone even if it is just to say goodbye.

But then I got to the lobby to make my way to the exit. This was not just a car crashing & exploding, this was a massacre. This was an attack on the hotel & its guests. Bodys burnt in front of my eyes, some people bleeding out, bullets & weapons across the floor. Death stood between me & my exit. How I had got to this part of the hotel still alive & not in pain was a miracle already. As I stepped across the lobby heading for the exit, I could just hear my dads voice like he was there going, you’re doing so well sweetheart, you’re almost safe, you can make it. A few more steps & the horrors will be over. You can almost smell the fresh night air, keep going.

Maybe there is an afterlife, maybe he was reaching out to me but I knew I had to make it across & get tho the exit. It took me a while but I stumbled eventually through the exit & gasped as the nights air filled my lungs.

But then the horror continued… but I have no recollection of it. All I remember is the high piecing screech & suddenly feeling warm as something hit me. Blood trickling & seeping through my sleep shorts. I had been shot. I know I blacked out but there was just one thing running through my mind before my face crashed into the hard cold concrete path. That i would was never get to apologise to Javi for telling him to man up after the break up, for not telling him that I knew Sofia was having an affair sooner, & for not telling him that he has been my true love from the moment I met him, aged 13.

27 of us survived the hotel siege. My mum said I had a face Picasso would have been proud to paint when I woke up. She was crying but her humour got me through it. She’s had so so much loss in her life. Losing me would have hurt the most, she’d have no one. We agreed one step at a time, keep things slow, but I keep having these nightmares from the day. I now know it was the police who shot me by accident thinking I was apart if the group storming the hotel & I am being compensated, I mean it is there job to protect everyone & not take any risks. But I was in my jammies how many terrorist siege a hotel in pjs?

Seeing Javi when I got back here on the island was perfect. All our anger & frustration with each other had gone. We hugged & cried & promised to never be mean or hide anything from each other again. & then he broke my heart just before I went to tell him how I really felt about him & that he helped get me through that night & how he was the last thing I thought of before I blacked out. He said I was his best friend & he knew we would always have each others back.

It still hurts much like the wound in my leg. It hurt deep. But if Javi just wants us to be just friends I can cope with that. I just want Javi to be happy that’s all. I want to watch him grow & flourish & live his best life. I want the world for Javi & if that means I’m just a friend, I hope I can deal with it.

I’m so glad I have a secure server to type on.

This has really helped me today, & so has looking back at all my old posts. Therapy has really made me not feel guilty, that I’m here & those people aren’t. Survivors guilt is real & it’s painful. I do still wish at times that I didn’t make it out but my dad was the voice in my head telling me to keep going & that I am strong. My mum will always have my back. & I know I can trust Javi to support me in everything as a friend, even if that’s all it is. But I do wish it was something more…

Secure therapy Blog post 32

It’s been a while… it really has

My therapist told me to write

She told be to be honest

She told me she would read this

She told me to say it

I am worth something

I am not defined by my recent trauma

& I am valid in my pain

Last week was not only the 2 year anniversary of my dads death but also the day I received my compensation for being shot & the findings report from the massacre were released on the same day, it hit me like a train & i seriously considered with all the emotions & conflict inside me, if my life actually mattered

My mums back in London, to complete the renovation of the new dinning room & kitchen of our hotel there, my best friend is on her honeymoon, & no offence to you my therapist, but I knew what you were going to say. I wanted something else or someone else to validate me.

I’ve been staying at Javis on Saturdays recently, he says that’s when he misses company the most & he usually has meetings or church on Sunday mornings. So I was just standing in the kitchen cooking us dinner, when everything just over came me, the knife in my hand looking so sharp & inviting, would anyone really miss me if I killed myself right now…

I didn’t even know Javi had entered the kitchen, but I knew the second I came out of my paused trance that the tingling sensation Within me was from his hand removing the knife from mine, putting it out of my reach. His other hand stroking my back going up & down my spine. I felt like I was actually breathing & being seen for the first time in almost 2 years.

& that’s when one of my favourite songs came on the playlist i was listening too. & I just rocked with Javi in silence, his arms tightly around me waist, squeezing the pain out of me but also filling me with love & purpose… the moment I finally turned my head to see him & his big puppy dog eyes, the lyrics sang “when nobody understands you, well I do” played. We both just softly smiled at each other no words being said.

When the song ended he asked me if I felt better & that I was always welcome & safe in his house or his parents villa if I need some space & didn’t want to go back to the hotel. I told him I knew that, he told me because that’s what best friends do we say nothing & we just understand don’t we…

I should have told him there & then that I was now sure I wanted more but the moment was so pure & perfect & gave me purpose again, that I didn’t want to ruin it with heart break for me if he rejected me. I couldn’t cope with that, not right now. So I’ll continue continuing on

I know my place

& I know Javi will always be there for me…

Chapter Three

#fanfic #my fics #pedro pascal #no minors #javi g #javi gutierrez #javi g fic #javi g fanfiction #the unbearable weight of massive talent #tuwomt #pedro pascal characters #pedro pascal character fanfiction #pedro pascal cinematic universe #pedro pascal fanfiction

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mdhwrites · 1 year

Video

youtube

In the description are timestamps for when the tierlist properly starts, when I swap seasons and a quick jump to skip the break I took between S1 and 2. Shout out to D-Man in my Discord for being my cohost for this as it helped a lot with making sure I wasn’t getting too into my own head. For those who want to see the final verdict though:

And now for some analysis of the picks for those who want the probably bigger ticket episodes on the list and don’t want to have to scrub through a 5 hour video: NOTABLE ODDITIES: Yesterday’s Lie at D: With how I’ve praised Vee and talked about how good Yesterday’s Lie is at its own goals is actually a problem for the show overall, why is it that when trying to mostly judge the episodes on their own merits, it’s in D? Well... I explained on stream that if they cut off Luz and Camila’s conversation even fifteen seconds earlier, have the guilt trip and not the promise, the episode would easily be in S tier. Objectively I think the episode is S tier. However... This is a subjective list and I could do an entire blog as to why the promise made at the end of it LOOKS like a good cliffhanger... But if you ask questions about how it can be resolved, it is just awful. And the show knew this as it doesn’t even come up for why Luz wants to stay in the human realm. They made an entirely different, far stupider, reason for it. But it doesn’t change that me thinking about the promise made me actively dread S2B because I could not see the promise leading to anything good but it’s too big and dramatic to just ignore, even though the show effectively does ignore it. Grom at A instead of S: I still can’t fully explain this one. It’s honestly as much where my gut demanded it be as much as my mind but it is absolutely the gatekeeper for S because it deserves the rep it has. Honestly, I think it’s THE episode where my shifting opinions and analysis of the show hurts it the most because I just can’t be comfortable with the fact that Luz takes Amity’s place WAY more to prove Eda wrong and do a cool thing than specifically because Amity is afraid. Amity is more an excuse in this episode which is a similar problem to Cloud on the Horizon (which I know is likely surprising not to be in F tier but it doesn’t break any continuity or the like and at least tries to give payoff to things which I can’t always say about others) since they’re both VERY important to Lumity but Lumity doesn’t feel important to them if that makes any sense and I just can’t shake that with Grom. S TIER EXPLANATIONS: A Lying Witch and a Warden: It’s a VERY good pilot. If it were just another episode of the show, it’d probably be a high A but it might still be an S just because the ideas are so much fun and so interesting in them and presented with a lot of charm and heart that I wish was in more of the series. As an introduction though, regardless of what the show will actually be like, it’s absolutely amazing. It gets across the core (for S1) of these characters incredibly well, it shows a world that is genuinely interesting and still manages a fun adventure on top of that without feeling rushed or haphazard. It is just something I marvel at and easily deserves its spot. Lost in Language: I’ve talked about this being my favorite episode and that has not changed. It utilizes the age of the characters well, it has fun magic, it actually has the line “This isn’t what it looks like” and it’s just bluntly true, it has great comedy, a lot of cheer and the final threat of the bookmaker is TERRIFYING but also heartbreaking and actually holds WAY more threat than most other villains in the series. It is exactly what I want out of a fantasy kid’s show if you were to ask me. Also while the B plot isn’t anything special, it is fun and so it doesn’t drag down the episode. Agony of a Witch: I was honestly surprised when my first instinct was to put this or Young Blood, Old Souls in S tier. I think it’s because S1′s story with Eda and Lilith is genuinely REALLY good and this is the payoff to that and boy what a payoff it is. However, it’s much more paid off in this episode and Young Blood, Old Souls suffers from the fact that a finale is still supposed to setup the next season and... We get one episode dealing with the new status of the curse and Belos isn’t touched on properly again until S2B because fuck you. It’s not enough to drag episode down too far but it definitely solidified that my good will towards the finale is a lot more from Agony. F TIER EXPLANQATIONS: Escaping Expulsion: Murders two of its more interesting elements in plotlines that not only aren’t that fun but also barely include, if included at all, the main character that these elements are connected to. The biggest plus is that Odalia is a lot of fun as a villain but that is part of also how Amity’s potential was murdered so yeah, no. Otherwise, it’s very bog standard with a completely out of character montage from Bump and just isn’t interesting from a character perspective because everything is too easy. Elsewhere Elsewhen: Remove Luz, Eda and Lilith being stupid as rocks and the murdering of any potential that Belos or the Isles had to be interesting and you have why Really Small Problems ALMOST made F tier. This is just a boring as fuck episode. The jokes aren’t good, everyone’s an idiot, nothing is accomplished, what is is dumb and not going to pay off well in the long run and I just end wishing I’d done literally anything else with my time. It’s barely even interesting to talk about despite being a time travel episode because the time travel is so pointless and it’s not exploring the past of the Isles, it’s about being the next person Philip conned out of THOUSANDS he probably did over the years and Philip is NO FUN. Dell is the ONLY good part of this episode but that’s like two minutes at best and goes nowhere in the grander scheme of things and was definitely not worth comic relief Eda which is always the WORST because Eda is at her funniest when you’re laughing with her, not at her. Sport in a Storm: This one surprised me but it comes down to Willow’s talk with Hunter feeling patronizing because “I was called half a witch because I literally was using the wrong type of magic and now am the DEMI GOD OF PLANTS” does exactly parallel respectfully with “I was born without magic and therefore am genuinely seen as potentially of this society.” Not only that but even a moral as simple as ‘don’t judge by its cover’ is done so poorly with the fact that Hunter had EVERY reason to write off all those characters and the turn around for why they’re actually impressive is mostly bullshit. That plus the fact that the Lumity stuff is fine at best and the EC is murdered in relevancy and interest just makes this an absolutely terrible episode for me because I care about no one, what is happening is actively elements worse and it really is disrespectful to any disability allegory with Hunter. Reaching Out: This is still the worst episode in the series for me. I got a headache and cut it short because I got so mad talking about it. NOTHING functions in this episode though. It can’t even do fun tournament fights because it has no interest in that. It has no interest in having Amity and Luz properly interact, something that is just a running fact about Lumity once they’re together. The final talk with Luz makes Amity’s feelings feel like bullshit because they’re never actually addressed and Amity such little of a grudge that she doesn’t even ask for an apology. She’s entirely focused on Luz and Luz’s pain so why did you run away except for a shot of the Grom tree that doesn’t actually reflect the status of your relationship because Luz could go literally and Amity would not leave her. The ONLY saving grace of the episode is a mostly boring B plot that has good emotions but has the glaring problem that Amity ditching tryouts does of “BEING A WILD WITCH IS FUCKING ILLEGAL!” I could literally go scene by scene with this episode for why the concepts are good but then just left to rot in the gutter, and the fact that the concept for this episode is so good that it makes me say, and I NEVER say this, I could have written it better, is unforgivable for me personally. Thanks to Them: I had initially planned to put this in D because I’m always told there’s a lot of fanservice and it seems like it’s at least trying to do important things even if it’s not doing them well but... I’m sorry. Amity becoming comic relief annoys me, Luz is at her ABSOLUTE WORST as a character, period, for this episode to where her decision in this episode is something I bring up constantly because its character assassination, Belos being alive is infuriating period and they get an alright fight scene out of it but very little substantially else, it’s the entire reason why so many people are pissed that Evelyn and Caleb didn’t come back in the finale because of a very half assed attempt to go “Look, we have a sympathetic villain, we swear!” It’s also one of the few episode where the little I did watch actually made me go “I’m not crazy... This just looks bad and cheap animation wise, right?” Especially the fucking hay ride which should have been hard to fuck up because it’s a not exactly a new or complex concept. For the Future: If Thanks to Them got brownie points for trying to do important things but doing them badly, For the Future gets slaughtered for the fact in a three episode season, one episode feels like filler. Not even fun filler that’s exuberant or interesting or dealing with characters who have been treated as properly relevant to the show in over a season. It’s just filler. And I know Willow stans mad at me for that but Willow has been a plot device for other characters her entire existence so why is her ONE properly about her episode in the entire series in SEASON FUCKING THREE. Other than that, Kikimora is a terrible villain and always has been so her being one of the final threats and not being an in show joke is just fucking awful and it also includes the end of Luz’s character which is done just... The worst. It doesn’t even track with the problem she was having. She blatantly ignored that part of her mother’s speech. It’s not character assassination like Thanks to Them but this whole episode admits how few characters are real characters in this show, that it never had the themes it claims it had and has no fucking clue what to do with its own story elements to make them interesting. And a small shout out to Watching and Dreaming that is probably mostly not in F tier because I didn’t want to put literally all of S3 in F tier and at the least the spectacle of the episode (much Hollow Mind which I have to respect the ambitions of even if the execution is ass) and the fanservice makes it a satisfactory ending for the show even if it’s a meaningless one. Would I have liked it? Almost certainly not but I didn’t watch S3 for a reason. I also want to mention a final bit that I added in the stream once I had the whole thing done: I think TOH is a series that is worse than the sum of its parts. Frankly, the only episode that probably would have been S tier would have been Lost in Language if I was judging in the grander context because so much goes nowhere, or terrible, that it really does damage the enjoyment I have of the show as whole. A perfect example is that Lilith and Eda interactions are GREAT in S1... But knowing Lilith’s fate will always taint those for me unless I manage to shove them out. Similarly goes for Lumity, to such an extent it still affected the ranking of Grom. Nonetheless, this is my list. If you want my opinion on the rest, buy the right- Sorry. How bizarre. I mean go watch the video at the top of the blog. Otherwise, i hope you have a wonderful day and thank you. =========== I have a public Discord for any and all who want to join!

I also have an Amazon page for all of my original works in various forms of character focused romances from cute, teenage romance to erotica series of my past. I have an Ao3 for my fanfiction projects as well if that catches your fancy instead, If you want to hang out with me, I stream from time to time and love to chat with chat.

And finally a Twitter you can follow too!

#TOH Critical #The Owl House Criticism #Tierlist

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