#society will never let an autistic bitch live in peace

[dandylion-s]

listen you may be stupid but are you stupid enough to tell your boss TO HIS FACE that your organisation does nothing? No? then you're fine because guess what i did today.

[darkaviarymc]

So why tf are you living with a zionist? And why tf did you get married to one in the first place?

I've gotten anons asking invasive questions about my relationship with Troy and why I have yet to end it, and I've deleted each one. I don't know if you're the same anon, but I'm guessing you follow me because my latest #aviisleaving post has no notes and was less than an hour old when I received this ask.

But.

Due to recent events in this fandom, abuse has become a spotlight topic. I don't know if I would call my marriage abusive or not. But whether or not it is, my situation and my reasons for staying in it for the time being is similar to what abusive victims face. There are many reasons not to leave, to bide your time before leaving, and to not be able to leave at the time or even at all, and I think it's an important discussion to have.

I'll start by explaining why I'm with him in the first place. We used to be closer ideologically. He wasn't always this far right and (this is where I make a confession that idk if I'm actually ready to make, but here we go) I wasn't always this far left. Seven years does a lot to change people, for better or worse. I was a left-leaning centerist, he was a right-leaning centerist, and we met in the middle to either compromise or peacefully agree to disagree.

We were both nerdy autistic weirdos with the same taste in music, same sense of humor, and enough ideologically in common to make peace. He got along well with my daughter and was quick to let me know that, if we ever got married, he'd consider her his kid as if she was his own.

I'm hyper-romantic. I see romance basically everywhere I look, and I fall in love hard and fast. He wasn't used to having a woman (my egg hadn't cracked yet, we'll get to that) who wasn't an absolute bitch be interested in him, so he fell harder than he ever had. We also both hated our situation at home, and I wouldn't pretend that wasn't a factor. We rushed the relationship and got married before we'd been together a year.

Everything changed for me when I realized I was queer.

I found the community I'd been denying for my whole life, and I learned a lot. He was an ally then. A flawed one, but he was willing to try. He was supportive of me when I came out, first as bisexual and then as nonbinary.

But everything changed for him when the wreck happened. He was driving with our mutual best friend in the front passenger seat when he lost control on black ice and slid into oncoming traffic. Our friend died at the scene, and Troy's injuries left him permanently disabled. He's since regained his independence, but he'll always struggle with his left arm.

We both took solace in our faith (I'd still consider myself a Christian, feel how you feel about that, I've heard it all) but he got lost in Christian Reddit, then Christian TikTok. Christian TikTok led to Evangelical TikTok, which led to transphobic, homophobic, MAGA, and zionist TikTok.

He ate that shit up. He fucking chugged that kool-aid. It gave him something besides himself to be angry at.

Grief opened my mind and closed his. It softened my heart and hardened his.

It just went downhill from there.

And now I can't live with this. I know he can't either, and the only reason he hasn't initiated a separation is because 1) there's no biblical grounds for divorce because I haven't cheated on him, and 2) he doesn't think a fat, autistic, disabled nerd in his 30s with a small dick and $30,000 in medical debt could ever find a godly wife. His words, not mine.

So if I want what's best for myself, my daughter, and yes, even for Troy, I need to be the one to leave.

So why haven't I yet?

First and foremost, money. We live in a society blah blah blah. Our society isn't friendly single mothers, queer people, or disabled people, and I'm about to be all three. I need to be 100% certain that I can support not only myself, but a high support needs autistic teen daughter who will likely never be able to live independently.

We currently only have one working vehicle, and aren't in a financial place to remedy that. I will need my own form of transportation if I'm going to be on my own.

All of my preparations (housing, transportation, moving logistics, etc) will have to be enacted quickly and perfectly. Surgical precision packing, moving, and stocking up on groceries so I don't have to leave the house for a while within 24 hours. Why? Because his family can't have any forewarning. I would not be safe. Currently, I'm not safe emotionally, but if I mess up even one step off the plan, if I'm not perfect in my exit strategy, I won't be safe physically, and neither will my daughter. I won't elaborate further on that.

Not only do I have to leave perfectly, but I have to be 150% positive months in advance that I can keep perfect. Because he has friends and family in places that could be dangerous for me, not the least of which is CPS. I fully expect to have them at my door by the end of the first month. I can't give them cause to take my daughter, even if it's the smallest, stupidest thing. Especially since they'll already have a small, stupid thing. Namely, my queerness and my disability.

Because I'm under no impression whatsoever that Troy won't out me to every single person who I can't safely be out to the instant he gets the chance. I will have no more help from (and possibly no contact with) my family. I will be completely alone. My support system will be gone forever. I have to be emotionally, mentally, and financially ready for that.

And I am none of those things right now.

And until I am, I have to do whatever I can to keep myself safe enough to bide my time for the right opportunity.

[gutsfics]

🔴🔵🔮 for baxter and avalon my beloveds <3

omg yayaya my best friends <3

🔴 Red- What is a trait your OC has that those around them don’t see very often? Is it seen by a rare few or completely overlooked?

Baxter is afraid of the ocean and doesn't like to/doesn't know how to swim. the ocean is because they like knowing about things, and the ocean by its nature is very largely unknown. fucking anything could be down there, we really know very little and it scares them. (they dislike space to some extent for similar reasons, although they're more okay with it bc they can't accidentally step into a dangerous part of space like you can w an undercurrent in the ocean) the swimming is because growing up in a hospital basically means not learning certain "common knowledge" abilities like swimming or bike riding, although swimming kinda goes hand in hand w the ocean to some extent. neither of these really come up ever bc they're almost never in a context where its relevant (they were lowkey SO stressed during Inez's wedding though)

i think for Avalon, it would probably be that he's a catty bitch. he's usually pretty outgoing and friendly (HWU) or quiet and polite (RCD) and all around a bit of a people pleaser that when he says something that's more God's Favorite Hater than World's Nicest Family Man Dad Friend people can be pretty surprised when he decides to let his Opinions be known. most of the time ppl think it's Thomas rubbing off on him, but no actually that's just who he is. he just prefers to take the high road most of the time, and/or look on the bright side of things, or do what he can to make sure the people around him are comfortable (sometimes to his detriment, but that really depends on what's going on in his life)

🔵 Blue- How would your OC spend a single day of interrupted peace? Where would they go or who would they be with?

Baxter would go to a zoo and beeline (lol) straight for the bug exhibits. most of their time there would be spent in the butterfly garden bc its like the stingray bay of the zoo insect exhibits, and they really like bugs :3 they'd take Reigan, Rafael, or Gwyn with them or they'd go by themself. just chill w the butterflies all day <3

Avalon doesn't really care where he goes or what he does, so long as he's with the people he loves <3 so most of the time, that means chilling at home watching movies with Thomas or, in the case of HWU!Ava, spending some good ol family quality time w Janey and Dawn & Lily (Thomas is also there lol lmao)

🔮 Crystal Ball- What kind of future does your OC want to have? What would they do to make it real?

Baxter doesn't know how to answer this question. for the longest time they thought that they'd die somewhat young due to their poor immune system & various other medical issues they experience and had come to terms with that, but sometime after the maitoxin attack (or maybe because of?) they realized that actually No, they're going to live. there's people they love who they depend on and who depend on them and there's still so much good in the world they can do so No They Are Not Dying Anytime Soon Thankyouverymuch. but despite that realization, they're not entirely sure what's in store for them in the future. they're in a good place right now and they have their ups and downs but for the most part they're just going with the flow of things (at least as much as they can while being very autistic & liking to have a rigid day to day routine)

since there's two different versions of Avalon, this question kinda has two different answers for him

HWU!Avalon wants to make sure his daughters have a good life as unencumbered by the typical entrappings of a capitalistic society as they can be and also he wants to Create Art, and what better way to do that than entering the film industry? i mean theres probably better ways to do it, but this is the way he thought was best for him and his family

RCD!Avalon wants a future away from all this. something small and quiet and maybe full of love.

he's not sure how to achieve this.

[parf-fan]

Ask and ye shall fucking receive, bitches!!!

Oh yeah, that’s right, the cast lists have been posted!  Moreover, posted IN FULL!  Actors, character names, character professions, and chARACTER DESCRIPTIONS HOLY SHIT!!!!1!!

Once again, I have done my best to sort the Bacchanalians by track.  It was much more challenging than last year (and took a good deal longer), where I only mixed up two.  The music track is easy, of course, but combat and improv are another matter.  In the end, I simply could not decide for a fair number, and these are listed in a separate section.

A small note, I had to copyedit the FUCK out of these descriptions.  Man, I dunno, I think their apostrophe key was maybe busted? and there were loads of misspellings, a few missing spaces, and occasionally just the wrong word entirely.  If anyone with any sort of influence on the Faire’s website happens to see this, PLEASE go back and fix these errors.

As always, check the Faire’s website for headshots.  And also for the scenario, I guess, because I just realized I never got around to making a post about that.

Leads

Mary Huff :  Queen Elizabeth I – Queen of England

Young and full of hope for the future of her country, Queen Elizabeth I is eager to take part in the day’s festivities and to learn more about the people she is meant to rule. Though she is youthful in appearance, she should not be underestimated. Queen Elizabeth I is intelligent, quick-witted and does not suffer fools lightly.

Joshua Kachnycz :  Robert Dudley – Master of Horse

Wealthy and benevolent, this Englishman seeks to ensure everything is perfect for the Queen’s coronation day. Though he is a strong, independently wealthy, and capable man, he is not afraid to listen to and heed a woman’s opinion, which quickly makes him one of Queen Elizabeth I most trusted advisors and friends.  [Listen I am so glad this man is returning, he is such a joy to watch act.]  [Zis is pleasink to me!]

Alex Stompoly :  Henry Carry – Nobleman

Cousin to Elizabeth I, Henry Carey has a claim to the English throne and is not likely to let you forget it. While he ultimately wants what is best for the country, he doesn't always have the hearts of the ordinary citizens he represents at the forefront of his political strategy. It may take him a while to believe that such a young Queen can be a strong leader.  [OH FUCK YEAH ALEX IS THE VILLAIN THIS IS EVERYTHING I’VE EVER WANTED]

Combat

Sunny Vinsavich :  Bev Tanningrove – Tanningrove Family Muscle

When carousing with friends, she is playful and carefree; but this cousin to Jack Tanningrove is quick to anger if she suspects you of disrespecting the Tanningrove name. Bold and hot-blooded, it doesn't take much to convince her to enter into a brawl to defend her house.

Emily Wirthwein :  Sylvia Forel – Sword Mistress

As lethal as she is lovely, this German Master Swordswoman is renowned throughout Europe. If you are lucky enough to have her in your employ, you can expect her complete loyalty and services as a sellsword – as long as you aren't outbid by a wealthier party.  [Oh good, the German mercenaries are back.]

Mel Angelo :  Mary McBride – Dance Mistress of the Shire

Best friend to Rose Hopfield, this dancing mistress makes a loyal, dependable, and energetic companion. Shire folk beware: don't call her a coward or insult the Hopfields, else you might find yourself face to face with the pointy end of her sword.

Ilana Lo :  Fan Liu – Pirate

Running away from home at the age of thirteen, Fan Liu spent her formative years as a member of pirate crews in many different countries. Because of these varied experiences and her own innate charm, Fan Liu is a brilliant negotiator, easily able to talk people into doing just about anything she asks. And if they make the mistake of not doing as she asks, they will soon face her steel.

Leigh Loureiro :  Bonnie Buchanna – Pirate

A formidable opponent who can fight, curse, and drink just as well if not better than her male counterparts. Nicknamed ‘Bloody Bonnie’ for her reputation of leaving no survivors, many would be surprised to learn that she secretly has a soft spot for soft and cuddly critters. But,please, don't tell her we told you!

Amanda Darrigo :  Mistress Quickley – Tavern Keeper

Thrilled at finally fulfilling her dream of opening her own tavern, this little lady isn’t shy about inviting people in or delegating responsibilities to her subordinates. In fact, she loves being a boss so much she might try to hire you to manage the day-to-day operations so she can focus on big-picture items: like how to spend her hard earned ducats.

Sean Besecker :  Captain James Thatch – Captain of The Queen's Vengeance

Thatch grew up on pirate ships watching and learning from the best sea-robbers in the business, so it is no surprise that he is one of the most ruthless and cutthroat pirates to sail the seven seas. While polite society would consider him uncivilized, he does live his life adhering closely to a very important set of rules: the Piratical Code.  [pyrate ship count: 1]

Matthew Glen Clark :  Bartholomew Wainwright – Yeoman

Dark and brooding, the mysterious Bartholomew Wainwright is often mistaken as cynical when a better term for him would be logical. He makes decisions using his brain and not his heard – the same cannot be said for some of his fellow Yeoman.

Austin James :  Edward Mawson – First Mate

With knowledge of the civilized world, Edward Mawson, sometimes referred to as Maw, is the perfect First Mate to his unruly Captain. He is easily able to represent the Captain at important affairs and likes to mingle with the upper crust of society. In fact, he likes it so much that he dreams of bettering his own position so that he might one day join them.

Music

The Sirens

Sarah Bartley :  Captain Sheena Daley O'Connell – Captain of The Unyeilding Tempest

The Leader. She is bold, brave, fearless and knows the world of piracy like the back of her well-worn hands. Sheena actively attempts to keep the peace in ORC but enjoys looting and pillaging as much as her fellow captains. Her deeds are heroic, but often tall in nature! Ask her to tell you all about when she saved her entire crew with a single plank of wood. She will regale you.  [pyrate ship count: 2]

Leigh Anne Hamlin :  Captain Scarlett Seymour – Captain of The Shadow of Prophecy

The Joker. She is laid back, extremely confident but relentlessly lazy. Scarlett always cracks jokes and makes light of difficult situations. She has been a pirate all her life and she is damn good at it! She is fond of long naps, drinking and gambling. Whats her secret? Good luck and tons of it!  [Four things.  First, pyrate ship count: 3.  Second, presuming she named he ship herself, I guarantee that this character is queer, because that’s the most Extra ship name ever, and only us queer folk are that overdramatic.  Three, prophesy? seymour? see-more? r u kidding me?  Four: if you go look at her headshot, this actor bears an uncanny resemblance to Vanessa Sterling.]

Megan Jones :  Captain Ruth "The Blade" Gibson – Captain of The Jolly Walrus

The Wild Card. She is tough, blunt, and has a wee bit of a rage problem. Although she loves piracy and has the scars to prove it, she melts at the sight of children and cuddly animals, who have the ability to soften her strong demeanor. Do not dare question her about the name of her ship! Shes sensitive about it.  [Oh hell yeah, Megan Jones is a pyrate! I am very pleased about this.  Also, pyrate ship count: 4.]

Sarah Williams :  Captain Elanor Keetly – Captain of The Malevolence

The newly appointed Captain of The Malevolence. The innocent. She has inherited her newfound position of Captain after all the members of her crew mysteriously perished in a tragic maritime accident. She has a thirst for knowledge and craves to be the very best in her new career! Elanor is extremely enthusiastic, but a bit frightened of the weight of her new position. She has a malicious alter ego named Cookie.  [Well, that certainly took at turn at the last line!  Pyrate ship count: 5, and whomever named this vessel was definitely queer, too.]

The Irish Revels

Autumn Sheffy :  Siobhán O'Sullivan – Royal Music Tutor

Having left the rest of her family behind to seek her fortune, this maestro has ascended to the ranks of the English court! Surely she wouldn't lord this success over the rest of her siblings...

Jordan Bell :  Gilda O'Sullivan – Musician

Gilda is an optimistic and charismatic leader. She hasn't the time for negativity or ill will amongst her siblings, so she simply pushes through it with a bright smile. She is a perfectionist and an overachiever. She adores music and her siblings, despite their failings, and will do anything to make sure the festival day goes off without a hitch. She has the color-coded scrolls to prove it! because what are we, animals?

Morgan Harwood :  Alannah O'Sullivan – Musician

Alannah is kind, carefree, and a bit odd. She is the youngest of the quintuplets and the most connected to the universe. She has the ability to see magic creatures and is often overtaken by her imagination. Her magic touch can calm her siblings when the time arises. The music she performs grounds her back in reality. She doesn’t walk, she floats.  [Whelp, this character obviously has a connection to the fae, so she’s definitely Autistic.]

Jared Haverdink :  Keagan O'Sullivan – Musician

Keagan is a realist, has an excellent sense of humor, and is endlessly sarcastic. He has a bit of the ol’ Irish temper that is easily set off by small things. The most talented musically of the O’Sullivan siblings, he was always very skilled, but has recently improved dramatically, almost overnight. His siblings are suspicious he has made a deal with a sea witch for his newfound shredding skills.  [I’m so glad that last sentence exists.]

Joey Mudd :  Deklyn O'Sullivan – Musician

Deklyn, like his sister Gilda, is a very friendly and charismatic young musician. He is full of life, energy, joy and is extremely earnest. However, he does tend to worry, and his imagination takes hold, extrapolating the smallest misstep that could lead to the doom of his family. Frequently stares into the middle distance, right between the crucial and the trivial, between existential dread and I’ll take the dressing on the side.  [The Millennial™]

The Rakish Rogues

Christopher Burch :  Sterling Armstrong – Highwayman, Leader of Group

The leader of this merry band of misfits. He is bold, ambitious, but a tad arrogant. Sterling fancies himself as a ladies’ man, but when approached by a woman, he can’t always follow through. His leadership style is that of blind intuition. His British dialect is very put-on and manly, but he often slips into Cockney, his real voice, when angered. Sterling doesn't walk, he glides. Is that his real name or did he make it up?  [FUCK YEAH THEY DID THE THING THEY PUT HIM ON THE MUSIC TRACK YESSSSSS!]

Chase Brackett :  Tucker Abbot – Highwayman, Sterling's Protégé

A former homeless orphan who was adopted by Sterling Armstrong as his younger brother and protégé . He absolutely worships the ground his brother walks on. Tucker is very bright, optimistic, and somewhat naïve. He is completely unaware when he says filthy and inappropriate things. Sterling said it so it must be fine! He loves the life of crime, but mostly he just wants to find a beautiful lady and sing songs to her pretty face forever.  [This character description has newsie energy.]

Pete Hedberg :  Jeremiah Slight – Highwayman, Sterling's Right-Hand Man

He is the muscle of the group, but secretly the brains. Jeremiah is the only person keeping this group afloat, but he would rather stick to the shadows than be in the limelight. He is excellent at thievery and a master of disguise. If you get close enough to find out how many accents he can do, you may not live to tell the tale!  [*laughs in a decade of faire accents*]  [also slight is the right hand man? slight of hand? fuck you.]

Ian Agnew :  William "Bill" Crimson – Highwayman, former Benadictine Monk

A former Benedictine monk who was living a pious life in an abbey. He one day was hit in the head with a bible, decided to leave the cloth and turn to a more exciting life of crime. He adores his new lifestyle and lives it with absolutely no restraint or regret. Bill has a newfound love of drinking, women, and gambling. He may have a few loose screws, but he’s never been happier.  [So there’s a good bit to unpack there.  Kind of like a reverse Cadfael.]

Improv

Sheila Barton :  Lady Delores Anne Penburthy – Lady Mayor of Mount Hope

Effervescent and vivacious, the Lady Mayor is sure to give Queen Elizabeth I the warm and generous welcome deserving a ruler of England. Having earned the love of the townspeople, the Lady Mayor could teach the young Queen a thing or two about earning the trust and loyalty of her people.

Adam Shepley :  William Cecil – Advisor to the Queen

Her Majesty’s most stalwart advisor, and head of her privy council. Usually the smartest man in the room, and well aware of it, Cecil knows Elizabeth will be a good queen. Honestly after her sister Mary, things can only go up.

Joe Penn :  Jacob Perry – Sheriff of Mount Hope

He loves putting away bad guys and solving mysteries. The only mystery he cant solve: how to grow up.  [Oh. Hell. Yeah.]

Jonathan Handley :  Sir William Pickering – Nobleman

Well educated, well bred, well connected. William Pickering has studied at the best schools, spent time among the French court, and is a good friend of Queen Elizabeth; but surely he would never let those things go to his head. He is still a man of the people, with his finger on the gilded pulse of the court.

Rob Condas :  William Shakespeare – Apprentice Glover

Everyone needs gloves, and serving all levels of society has made young Bill a keen observer of the human condition. He has heard many stories, and feels that he has many stories to tell. He’d like to try his hand at playwrighting – maybe he can wrangle up some actors to try out a new play or two.  [This is absolutely genius, because if we remain in the same universe for a couple years, we’ll get to see his transition to fully-fledged playwright!]

Adam Kampouris :  Christopher "Kit" Marlowe – Playwright

Full of charm and swagger, this playwright can woo a hundred paramours without running out of pickup lines; finish several thousand tankards of ale without retiring for bed; and accomplish almost any task without exerting too much effort; but he cannot seem to finish a play. He is hoping Mount Hope Shire will provide him the inspiration he needs to pen his next masterpiece.

Kelsey Jefferies :  Gretchen Froman – Heir to the Sausage Throne

Her parents have newly acquired a fortune from their successful Sausage empire, and they like to flaunt it! Fortunately for them, their daughter is responsible enough for both of them and makes sure they don’t blow it all in a single shopping trip. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t enjoy some of the perks – just that she is the only one of the three with some class about it.  [For context, see the Blackfryars’ descriptions.]

Noelani Stevenson :  Eskarina Nutter – Wise Woman

This cunning woman knows that there are things in this world that cannot be explained, and their solutions must be equally inexplicable. A mistress of folk medicine, herbal lore, and charms, she will heal you up quick or dispel the evil eye. Just remember that what she can cure, she can just as easily give back if you cross her.  [hell yeah my pagan girl!  Also if you look at her headshot, her design is literally Sabrina but a little paler and with blond hair, which is most amusing to me.]   [but like,,, why is her last name nutter.]

Kira Gaudynski :  Stella Hopfield – Bottler

Wife of John Hopfield. Though her title is Bottler, she does so much more – marketing, distribution, HR, pretty much everything that isn’t the actual brewing of the beer...and girl, is she good at it! She thrives under pressure, and fortunately for her, there is always pressure abounding.

Ryan Perry :  John Hopfield – Brew Master

Patriarch of the Hopfield family. His brews are best. His ales are awesome. His stouts are stellar. His lagers are...really good too. Hes proud of the name he has made for his family, and knows that beer is the true heart of Mount Hope.

Katelyn Shreiner :  Sherry Tanningrove – Mistress of the Cellars

Sister of Horice Tanningrove and his partner in the winery. Her mind is like the aging process of wine: calculating, patient, and meticulous. She has an eye for detail and rarely jumps to conclusions. She knows that trends come and go, but wine will be forever.

Michael Stahler :  Horace Tanningrove – Vinter

Patriarch of the Tanningrove Family. Wine is what put the shire of Mount Hope on the map, and Horace is proud of that family tradition. He knows Queen Elizabeth will have a more refined palate than her late father and sister, and will help bring Mount Hope’s wines back to the top no matter what those uppity Hopfields say.  [yeah okay so there’s definitely a family rivalry here]

Alright, You Stumped Me

Katie Burch :  Theresa Ratchet – Rat Catcher

Sickness has begun blanketing the world. Some people blame it on bad smells, some people believe it to be God’s wrath due to the sinful ways of today’s culture. Theresa, however, believes it to be because of the rats. She can’t prove it, and no one else believes her, but she will do whatever it takes to rid Mount Hope of these verminous infestations and save the populous in the process.  [Heck yeah, my science-based girl, go get it!]

George Hamilton :  Douglas Johnson – Master Thief

He’s been arrested so many times by Sheriff Perry, they know practically everything about each other. One might even suspect they’ve become friends, but Douglas Johnson would never take advantage of his friendship....in any way that would be obvious to Sheriff Jacob.  [I’m always a slut for this sort of dynamic!]

Shannon Holder :  Rose Hopfield – Brew Master's Daughter

Impulsive, independent, and passionate, this young woman is exploring the world on her own and beginning to see things in a new light, not solely from the perspective of her brewmaster father. By the end of the festival day, she may even sip her first glass of wine!

Jesse Kortus :  Jack Tanningrove – Vinter's Son

Idealistic, intelligent, and inquisitive, this young man is coming into his own and beginning to question the things he has grown up with as facts. For example: contrary to his father’s opinion, there seem to be a great deal of people upon the shire who prefer beer to wine. He intends to spend the day finding out just why that is.  [....oh great we’re gonna have friggin’ het star-crossed lovers up in here, aren’t we.]

John Surgener :  Charles Kent – Yeoman

Fiercely loyal to the Queen, Charles Kent is every bit the ideal hero. With a strong moral compass and an idyllic spirit, Kent is fast, powerful, and has quickly leapt to the top of the list of the Queens favorite Yeomen.

Haley Ward :  Amy Cooper – Cooper

Who would have thought a business person could suffer from TOO MUCH demand? With the ongoing conflict between the Tanningroves and the Hopfields, Amy has been profiting, but at the cost of much sleep. Maybe today she’ll finally be able to enjoy a day off.  [*sleep-deprived fistbump*]

My Reasoning

A section I include purely because I don’t like feeling stupid: therefore when I’m wrong, I prefer people to at least see the logic I followed to arrive at my conclusion.

Leads

Robert Dudley and Henry Carry are both mentioned by name in the scenario, so they’re obviously leads, and Queen Elizabeth is sort of, well, Queen Elizabeth.

Combat

Bev Tanningrove – Tanningrove Family Muscle: character description puts her pretty firmly in the combat territory; Sunny Vinsavich’s resume backs this up with necessary training/abilities.

Sylvia Forel – Sword Mistress: character description puts her pretty firmly in the combat territory; Emily Wirthwein’s resume backs this up with necessary training/abilities.

Mary McBride – Dance Mistress of the Shire: character description puts her pretty firmly in the combat territory; Mel Angelo’s resume seems to back this up with necessary training/abilities.

Fan Liu – Pirate: character description indicates combat as a definite possibility; Ilana Lo‘s resume backs this up with SO MUCH necessary training/abilities; character seems to fit better into the pattern of the combat track than the pattern of the improv track.

Bonnie Buchanna – Pirate: character description indicates combat as a definite possibility; Leigh Loureiro‘s resume indicates potential necessary physicality; character seems to fit better into the pattern of the combat track than the pattern of the improv track

Mistress Quickley – Tavern Keeper: can’t freaking find a resume for Amanda Darrigo, but in my PARF experience, tavern-keepers tend to be involved in brawls and melees, thus indicating combat track.

Captain James Thatch – Captain of The Queen's Vengeance: character description indicates combat as a definite option; can’t find a resume for Sean Besecker, but did find a facebook post mentioning his participation in leading a stage-combat workshop alongside Sam Little, thus implying the necessary training/abilities; character seems to fit better into the pattern of the combat track than the pattern of the improv track.

Bartholomew Wainwright – Yeoman: though character description does not necessarily indicate active combat role, one would imagine a yoeman to be involved in combat, and I know past casts have included combat-track yeomen; Matthew Glen Clark‘s resume backs this up with necessary training and physicality.

Edward Mawson – First Mate: character description does not necessarily indicate active combat role, and I was completely unable to find any sort of resume for Austin James, but the character seems to fit into the pattern of the combat track well enough, so it’s my best guess.

Music (hardly challenging, as I mentioned, yet shall display my reasoning anyway)

Captain Sheena Daley O'Connell – Captain of The Unyeilding Tempest: woman pyrate whose character description matches the format of the other Sirens’.

Captain Scarlett Seymour – Captain of The Shadow of Prophecy: woman pyrate whose character description matches the format of the other Sirens’.

Captain Ruth "The Blade" Gibson – Captain of The Jolly Walrus: woman pyrate whose character description matches the format of the other Sirens’, plus we already know Megan Jones is music-track certified, so to speak.

Captain Elanor Keetly – Captain of The Malevolence: woman pyrate whose character description matches the format of the other Sirens’, plus we already know Sarah Williams is both music-track certified and Siren certified.

Siobhán O'Sullivan – Royal Music Tutor: surname matches that of the four Irish characters listed as “musician”.

Gilda O'Sullivan – Musician: surname matches that of the other Irish characters listed as “musician” or similar; Jordan Bell is already both music-track certified and Revel certified.

Alannah O'Sullivan – Musician: surname matches that of the other Irish characters listed as “musician” or similar; Morgan Harwood is already music-track certified.

Keagan O'Sullivan – Musician: surname matches that of the other Irish characters listed as “musician” or similar; Jared Haverdink is already music-track certified.

Deklyn O'Sullivan – Musician: surname matches that of the other Irish characters listed as “musician” or similar.

Sterling Armstrong – Highwayman, Leader of Group: highwayman; we already knew Christoper Burch is music-track capable.

Tucker Abbot – Highwayman, Sterling's Protégé: highwayman; singing is specifically mentioned in description.

Jeremiah Slight – Highwayman, Sterling's Right-Hand Man: highwayman; we already knew Pete Hedberg is very very music-track certified and Rogue certified.

William "Bill" Crimson – Highwayman, former Benadictine Monk: highwayman; we already knew Ian Agnew is both music-track certified and Rogue certified.

Improv

Lady Delores Anne Penburthy – Lady Mayor of Mount Hope: Duh.

William Cecil – Advisor to the Queen: Adam Shepley is historically improv track.

Jacob Perry – Sheriff of Mount Hope: Joe Penn is historically improv track.

Sir William Pickering – Nobleman: Jonathan Handley is historically improv track.

William Shakespeare – Apprentice Glover: character description gives no indication of combat; Rob Condas‘s website extols his improv ability and love of the same.

Christopher "Kit" Marlowe – Playwright: if Shakespeare be improv track, it follows that Marlowe is, too; character description gives no indication of combat.

Gretchen Froman – Heir to the Sausage Throne: one parent is a Blackfryar and the other an improv director, so the statistical likelihood lies with improv;  character description gives no indication of combat.

Eskarina Nutter – Wise Woman: character description gives no indication of combat; it makes more sense for a healer-witch-type character to not be combat-focused anyway (though that would make for a really cool character); I could not find any resume for Noelani Stevenson to verify anything one way or another, but I’m relatively confident in my verdict nonetheless.

Stella Hopfield – Bottler: character description gives no indication of combat; Kira Gaudynski’ resume seems to indicate greater improv strength than combat strength.

John Hopfield – Brew Master: character description gives no indication of combat; if the Hopfield matriarch indeed be on improv, it seems to heighten the likelyhood of the Hopfield patriarch being on the same; could not find Ryan Perry’s resume to check training/abilities one way or another.

Sherry Tanningrove – Mistress of the Cellars: character description gives no indication of combat; Katelyn Shreiner‘s resume seems to indicate stronger improv skills than combat skills; following my previous path of reason, if the head Hopfields be on the improv track, likely the head Tanningroves will, too.

Horace Tanningrove – Vinter: character description gives no indication of combat; Michael Stahler‘s resume seems to indicate average stage-combat abilities; once more following my path of reasoning through to the logical conclusion, this other head Tanningrove will likely be on the improv track.

Alright, you stumped me

Theresa Ratchet – Rat Catcher: while Katie Burch has historically been combat-track, the character description gives no indication of combat; moreover, her participation in Theatre in the Mansion indicates to me that she has the necessary abilities for the improv track; neither her website nor twitter reveals anything one way or another; finally, I have a unproven gut instinct that one is more likely to remain on cast more years running if one switches tracks.  Verdict? could go either way.

Douglas Johnson – Master Thief: George Hamilton has been on both the music track and the combat track (though music is here ruled out), and his participation in Theatre in the Mansion indicates to me that he has the necessary abilities for the improv track; thieves of various sorts are often on the combat track, but it seems his main acting partner this year is on improv; I cannot find a website for further information, and his social media reveals nothing.  Verdict? six of one, half-a-dozen of the other.

Rose Hopfield – Brewmaster's Daughter: character description indicates a divergence from her parents’ worldview, so while I have her parents under improv, it would make some degree of sense for her to be on a different track; only some degree, though, and character description does not indicate combat; Shannon Holder‘s resume seems to indicate possibility in either track.  Verdict? honestly probably improv but there is wiggle-room.

Jack Tanningrove – Vinter's Son: character description indicates a divergence from his parents’ worldview, so while I have his parents under improv, it would make some degree of sense for him to be on a different track; only some degree, though, and character description does not indicate combat; I could not find a resume for Jesse Kortus to check training/abilities either way.  Verdict? yeah prolly improv but who knows.

Charles Kent – Yeoman: though character description does not necessarily indicate active combat role, one would imagine a yoeman to be involved in combat, and I know past casts have included combat-track yeomen; however, John Surgener’s resume seems to me to lean more toward improv than combat, though he has some degree of experience in both.  Verdict? heck if I know.

Amy Cooper – Cooper: character description does not indicate combat; Haley Ward’s resume indicates the necessary training/ability for combat; the character description gives me improv-track vibes somehow.  Verdict? yeah at this point your guess is as good as mine.

Phew!  That’s more than long enough for one day, so the Blackfryars shall get their own post on the morrow (maybe this evening if I’m responsible... haha...).

To the newcomers, welcome!  To those returning, welcome back!

[harmonyresonant]

The prequel to second letter to Mum.

Ah facebook we meet again

On the subject of mental health and functioning in the society we have.

I've met a lot of different people from different walks of life. Each of them unique as much as they are the same.

The media and movies feeds us an endless alternative reality. They are plagiarisms of real, retold in folded textures, the same elements - the same themes. They give us the foundation for what to expect out there. Outside of these walls.

I laugh at the idea of a psychologist now. It's my belief that after a certain threshold of self-awareness and time spent with ones own mind , that further indulgence is not just superfluous but hazardous.

I realised today that my Mother left me without providing me the sense of validation necessary for a child to allow themselves to feel like they're worthy of love.

Deep down in me I know I don't just not like who I am. I actually hate who I am.

Today I ran at the beach and after 5km of soft sand running I stopped and felt an overwhelming to scream in anger. One of the things I hate about myself is that I can emotionally regulate those impulses so I never get the chance to express that shit properly.

Each day is a fight to tease out the real of things. What do I discard? What do I keep? What part of me must be relinquished to adapt? What is safe to allow?

I've a lot of suggestions from a lot of well meaning people about how to approach depression. My depression is the kind that follows me like a shadow, but in the night, it becomes even darker. Anger is colourful, anger motivates, so does self-pity, but I have neither. My depression is as imaginary as it is real. It matters as much as it doesn't.

I have delineated my Mothers expectations from my Dads from my sisters from my teachers etc..as I grew up - I am at a point now where when once everything was a fucking mess I see people and things as crystal as when I was 15 - pre-cognitive dissonance.

I've spoken to 6 people about the hole that I feel in my soul. When victims of borderline personality disorder children who grow into adults speak of their experiences they say it is like living with a soul eater. My mother was very intelligent and taught me everything I know about hurting people. When I am hateful or spiteful or feel disrespected beyond what I can tolerate, I dramatically over-respond. It hurts people and destroys others. But mostly - it isolates me.

Because I require validation every day from the moment I wake up I am either driven by anxiety of not being purposeful enough, or anxiety of stopping so long that these thoughts flood back. Usually. The thoughts are themed and stem from a disrupted framework - usually an older unhelpful one.

Suicide is not something I will move towards easily again, but the argon bottle I used is a gentle reminder that if I'm not dead, I can help.

The girls in my life have all seen me in two different ways, one is medicated - relatively relaxed and enjoyable. The other is tired and fragmented. Its when my self-checking erodes and I let my real perspective fly. What I see is the decay of all things that grow. I see the patterns people do to each other, the sickening feeling of watching someone allow themselves to be abused or used then discarded. The fall-outs from being alive and human. But I don't see only that. I came face to face with the meaningless-ness of it all, I see it every day in my reflection. It's in my clothes, in the air I breathe, the food which is chewed. There was no useful reason other than warped neuro-chemistry - biology and life events out of my control which pushed my Mother and Father to generate the childhood and adolescence I endured. They had something special and because they had the urge to/didnt know any better they destroyed it over two decades. Little by little - gradually eroding my self-concept.

I have countless stories of their failures to set up even basic precedents. Like the self-critique I experienced with my grade 4 report - seeing ticks not in the excellent column. I swallowed my heart because I was raised to be perfect. Failure was a failure to be a son, which was a failure to be a person. She would say, "You must well behaved and do well on your reports because you reflect on me." Later of course that day when I would do my reports - she would scold me for failing to be interested in dragonflies at 5:30pm.

Writing a report seemed difficult at the time. As I was doing 2 different after school sports in Port Hedland summers.

Validation. I seek it as a need. Its not approval - I often laugh at people who say I've done a good job when my lifes been a total fuckup compared to its potential trajectory. Its more a sense that Im worth loving. It's unfair to ask that of your partner. They aren't there for that. Sure love is an essential part of any relationship of substance - but that solid inner sense of self worth needs to be there from the beginning.

No matter what I achieve in my life. No matter how well i do at anything. I have never felt divorced from the feeling that it is all a waste of my fucking time. Only today I figured out why.

My mother is dead though. Any chance of finding that validation is gone. And as any child psych knows - anger has healing properties too. Today I am fucking furious at that pathetic bitch. Let alone my autistic father. My Mothers legacy haunts me still. But luckily, today, I can put my foot down on her bullshit and say to myself, "I will never receive my mothers validation. Her spirit is lost to the universe. I will never be convinced by someone else I am worth loving. So stop waiting for someone to gift it. Or expect that you can manufacture it. I am already dead."

It's hard to conclude anything else. When such a fundamental part of your core self is the fact that you will never love yourself enough not to be in pain. Not to feel peaceful. Never to rest. Always to worry. All that's left to do is to hate myself truthfully. It is what it is and I accept that the only thing left to do is to accept I feel like welcoming death. That I am drawn to it because it is salvation. Everything is a trivial distraction. When I hear Sarah's voice now I hear her everything and I just don't have time for it even if I did. Unfortunately Im a sucker for complex girls in need. The difference is now I know why. They want validation like I did, the two of us made a pair in that way. Except Emma n Sarah didnt need it.

Love is pure. But it is not always heterogeneous.

The psyche of a mind balancing the globe on a tightrope

It screams for help.

While the faint shimmer of dying stars be as they are.

Not beautiful nor elegant.

Not evil or mysterious.

It screams for help.

While the faint shimmer of dying stars be as they are.

This glimpse is worth breathe.

It screams for help.

And the deafening roar of the silent universe whispers back;

Never will anything mean less than what you've become next.