#so.. if you read all my depressing posts you might know that i didnt grew up with my dad so my uncle was like a dad for me

[bird-of-eternia]

The Journey

Alright, so i spoke of this a little bit in other posts but i'll do a quick (hah!) run through of the journey this far.

**This baby is gonna be long, strap in**

I grew up in the church. My parents started off Pentecostal I believe. i remember people in church speaking in tongues and raising their hands up high. I remember the pastor putting his hands on people and them falling to their knees in passion of God. We went every single Sunday.

As time went by the old pastor passed away and my parents started saying how it wasnt the same. They went less and less talking about how we didnt have the gas or they didnt have any clean church clothes. So as I got older they sorta stopped going to church but held on to that faith hardcore.

They tried out some other ones and even tried our first church after it was upgraded (with a cafe any everything). The music was better apparently and we stayed for awhile but it didnt last.

I always felt like this was the only way. You loved God and went to heaven or you just went to hell. I was constantly anxious that my every move was a sin. My mother once told me "If you think its a sin, it is." you know that saying that goes something like -For your parents its just another Tuesday but for you it was formative-

yeaaaaah

so i was scared of literally everything i thought MIGHT be a sin.

I love my parents and they did the best they knew how but my dad was an alcoholic and my mom struggled with depression. We also were not well off so their was alot of lying. "Dont tell your dad i didnt pay X" or "Dont tell your mom im drinking." and obviously tons of swearing and low key racism and high key homophobia from other relatives. I thought these things were bad=sin but my family loved god and read their bibles and prayed over every meal and before bed so we were okay, right?

Well as i got older being bisexual was a trend (as my mother said) that kids in my highschool were trying out. "Your not a lesbian right?!" Because i didnt want to date my best guy friend. I thought it was kinda scary and kinda gross to be gay but like...they were not necessarily hurting anyone so like...what does it matter?

High school was me trying to mix my belief of the golden rule and kindness with the rhetoric my parents and Christianity were feeding me.

I cried myself to sleep countless nights asking God to please please please let me fall in love first. Let me leave home and have a life before the end came and we all went home to heaven. I didnt realize it at the time but i didnt want to go to heaven. I was terrified of hell but i wanted to live HERE on EARTH and experience life. I didnt want to die. I wrote songs about god so my parents would be proud of me. I tried reading the bible and writing notes in a notebook.

I thought i had a couple divine events in my life. I was weeping and crying before bed (regular routine) and i thought god had sent me a message through the band The Fray as they sang Never say Never. I thought "Okay, i wont let God go. Ill keep trying Lord, i love you, please help me."

Then my cousin had a cancer scare and i literally cleaned out a little space on my closet floor. I put some sort of small wooden table on the floor. Then on top placed my bible, a candle, my bible notebook, and various bits and bobs. I sat down with my lights off and candle lit and prayed. I prayed so hard that i believe this is the very first time i put myself into a meditative/trance state. I was rocking back and forth asking god to save my cousin.

Turns out he didnt have cancer.

Turns out my parents found out what i had done.

Turns out now my gma has lung cancer and wants me to pray for her now.

HEY, HI, THATS ALOT OF WEIRD PRESSURE FOR A LITTLE KID WHOSE QUESTIONING THEIR FAITH?!?!?

so anyway, thanks grandma R.I.P

Turns out praying doesnt always work.

I felt a strange guilt because maybe if i had prayed harder god wouldnt have let grandma die.

I go through the rest of High school in a funk. deeply depressed, moving from house to house. we end up just living in my grandparents old house. I'm truant in school, hardly show up. I begin an alternative school and love it. Through this period i don't think about religion much at all during the day. But i do still cry at night begging for God to wait because my parents and extended family say we are living in end times and itll happen soon.

my best guy friend comes out as gay.

I love him.

my mom says "I love him, you know i do. But hes still going to hell."

I get so scared about not getting into a college that even though i applied to a community college that lets in anybody i get severe neck and shoulder pain from stress. Maybe they'll reject me for some reason? (Looking back i know this was because i was desperate to leave the house. I wanted out so badly. I felt like I didn't fit anymore for some reason. Why was my family making me uncomfortable?)

I get in. in the fall of 2014 I go to my sisters every morning at like 4am so my brother in law can drop me off at school on his way to work.

I meet new people. My sister convinces me to be brave and join a club. I attend anime club ( i know i know....save the comments. I know how it sounds.)

I have a small group of new friends, and a boyfriend (now husband).

I spend every day , all day- from 4am until 6-9pm on campus. I start spending weekends at my boyfriends house. I get a job at school. I get a car.

I start forming my OWN thoughts and feelings about the world.

I meet someone and they make me nervous. They say theyre pagan. That genuinely scared me.

I move in with my boyfriend to be closer to school.

I feel....lighter.

I feel more like myself?

My boyfriend lets me talk about my feelings surrounding religion. He says he loves me no matter if I'm christian or not. He'll go to church with me or he'll support whatever else i choose. I cry.

I've never had the choice before.

We talk about beliefs often.

I make amazing friends who are not christian. who are trans. who are gay. who are atheist, pagan, agnostic.

I begin getting upset when my parents talk about God. "Dont ride his coat tails to hell."- my father talking about my boyfriend. He believes in God but does not agree with the values. He says his father is one of the best people he knows, a man who fought for the people of his country and got kicked out so they had to immigrate to america. If that man, a man who cares so much and fights for people, is going to hell just because he doesnt believe in god....no thanks.

I think about this.

I love my boyfriend with every fiber of my being. I love my friends. They are GOOD people. They try every day to be better and do better.

They're going to hell? but the people who keep pushing hate are going to heaven because they like God?

I'm confused and angry. Maybe i just need to find the right church. a more liberal church. i just believe differently but im still christian.

am i?

I find Aurora Aksnes.

I listen to her music constantly.

I start feeling like maybe there is more out there.

Tarot interests me.

Nature interests me.

symbols and runes interest me.

Could I be a christian witch?

i cry and cry.

am i losing my faith?

I think i like woman.

I think im pansexual.

i cry and cry and cry.

months go by and finally i figure out that...no i'm not christian anymore.

(2016-2017)

but what am i then? what god do i worship now?

I spent so long trying to find a new god to turn my attention to. I begin with Cernunnos and a little bit of Brigid.

i get really into norse stuff.

then i look into irish folkcraft.

then i go back to brigid.

then i decide, if it happens itll happen. i'll just hang with the Earth for now.

Then there were a few years where i went back to brigid and the horned one once in awhile. I took a break for a long time, only dipping my toe back in when the feeling is too much. When the wind blows just right and i just need to light a fucking candle or something lol.

Took some Druidry classes in a phase where i thought maybe that was my path.

Then i landed here. (2024)

I read The Crooked Path by Kelden and felt....inspired.

And so now I'm trying to walk the crooked path in my own time. So much has happened since i started down the witchcraft trail...

i have kids now, i have a full time job, im looking for a house, i need a new car. im having thoughts about my own gender.

So i will walk this crooked path in time. i will walk it and sit down for breaks if i need to. I will listen to the trees and find symbols in their branches. I will be okay.

[archive-lesterdreams]

//

[papers4me]

Fruits Basket Manga Review , ch 111

sigh~~~ I feel that my recent posts are a bit negative towards the anime, but thats cuz the chapters I’ve read so far are either unbelievably important character depth content cut for no valid reason or content in the anime but packed with million other things that it lost its purpose or importance. Basically tohu’s ep 6 which consists of 4 chapters & now ep 5 which is a momiji ep & yup, packed with 4 chapters as well... so, I apologize for any negativity, my intention is just analyzing artistic & story-telling aspects, I love se03, but yeah it screwed up lots of important characters due to its not so thorough plot decisions & harmful character insight choices.

today.. we explore Momiji... but only before his curse breaks.

Furuba anime struggling to know how to design an episode based on various plot-heavy chapters?

so, they decided 13 eps, & decided one ep for momiji cuz motoko’s graduation & the fanclub is the core of the furuba & have already cut tons of tohru, cuz who cares? she’s kind. be like her. end of lesson. No. really, jokes aside, how to do this?

How to combine several chapters in one ep? collect small snippets from chosen chapters/content like a bee does flowers? you gotta skip some content, you gotta highlight others. The ep is only 20 min after all & you got an op & Ed that you cant always skip.... so.. furuba team decide that momoji’s ep should be true to his zodiac animal, this is the rabbits last appearance in spirit. so, they went with quick hopping from one chapter to the other like a rabbit?

No really, ep 5 is really like a rabbit in its flow, you can’t savior a moment enough before jumping to the other: we learned momiji grew up!! loves toheu romantically, challenged kyo, really meant it, wanted a fair love game, got freed, lost tohru romantically & faced momiji! but that’s not all? we still have space!! quick add akito’s moodiness & love triangle with her dog & her submissive bed partner, add a happy comedy for no reason whatever & make shigue kiss tohru & wish shes 'was his lover instead!!!!!!!!! Mind you all this happened in the anime before shigure hurt tohru with his “the truth of the zodiacs talk & them accepting & feeling consolance that kyo is doomed”talk. 

-Gets whats my biggest surprise after reading this chapter ?????????

Shigure is consistent!! He isnt a rabbit hopping here & there. The dog is loyal & is tired for good reason! Him being depressed & his weird talk with thoru makes so much sense given the manga’s order.

Kyo is consistent!! In the anime, momiji surprise him with confession he loves tohru & challenge him, then kyo la~la~la~joins them downstairs for curry. Not a single expression on his face, where is the expression? it will appear when the plot is forced to address it: by the end of the ep when momiji face hin again. Then we get kyo’s reaction.

I need someone to tell the anime that actions require a reaction. You can refrain from showing a certain reaction if you can’t address it now, but you can’t erase it, negate it, then make it appear when have to!!!! couldn’t they make kyo refuse to join them & eat together? the     other characters wont be surprised they think he’s needlessly moody. The audience will know that kyo is troubled with momiji’s challenged & it will excite them!!! having kyo just go eat & watch the momiji/hiro/haru/yuki comedy skit is weird.

The manga’s author wanted kyo to join the dinner, like the anime did. but huge difference. the author actually cares for logic reaction & understands that the audience aren’t dumb little kids that will sit & wait for kyo’s turn to...react! nope! she did this: (a) & (b) below.

-Lost Small Bits/ Panels from the chapter.. But Sadly Big Huge Chunks for Characters buildup & Growth:

(a) addressed the fact the hiro noticed kyoru is in love & dressed that shigure was right!! the cat being in love is a weird concept to the zodiacs! hiro reacted naturally & the author used hiro to flesh yuki’s (the rat), momiji’s (the rabbit) & haru’s (the cow) decision to silently watch the kyo (the cat) makes his own decisions to live!!! They won’t interfere or tell akito or remind him of his state as the doomed caged cat. So sad this moment is cut from yuki. Why must yuki only interact with kyo to beat him (all seasons)? why must yuki only think of kyo to envy him (all seasons) ? Here, yuki’s growth towards kyo as a person & his relationship with tohru is 1000 times better than all tohru is my mom’s sh!t & I envy kyo’s Sh!t we saw in the anime over & over till we memorized it.

(b) kyo didnt just go la~la~eat with momiji after knowing he loves tohru. Nope, there’s small bits missing: called logical emotional reaction. He was surprised he’s caught pining over tohru! cuz yuki, the audience representative, has told us in the previous chapter that ppl in love dont notice anything around them. Kyo thinks him being cold hid his feelings. the dummy’s feelings are as bright as the sun in the Sahara, tohru too. a child read her! such small thing that wont take much space from the ep but was cut cuz kyo only needs to be responsive at the ep’s end. & this scene of kyo & tohru looking awkwardly at each other is minor in space but so important cuz kyo is determined to let go but his decision is challenged by not only momiji, but his natural attraction to tohru. Here he knows he’s caught & exposed... here he knows momiji is a better choice for tohru cuz he wont didn’t hurt her mom... here he knows that even yuki is better cuz never had to pretend to be cold to her... here he knows the world is better than him... & here he just cant help by smile & walks towards her... T_T ... another lesson in writing slow burns by Takaya-san.

-Why would the anime team pass on this?? drawing kyoru closer after the epic tear in Cinderella ep, cuz they want empty suspense~! The anime team thinks that if kyo & tohru stand next to each other, then it means all their issues are solved & the audience are so stupid as to forget tohru’s mom, kyo’s imprisonment, kyo not confessing his sins to tohru & tohru’s need to make a choice wether to fogive hom or not.. nope! you see, they think, ppl who read mangas are smart, so the author can give this epic symbolism & pp would still be not sure kyoru is end game & tohru will forgive him or kyo even fogive himself, but ppl who watch, oh no, gotta cut all the plot worthy content, produce a graduation song for a minor character, cut all kyo/tohru interaction cuz it only means romance & not at all character depth & oh if we show yuki actually formulating deep thoughts that aren’t centered around him, the audience might forget his se02 struggles! or that might ruin yuki’s upcoming growth moment in the finale where he .. you guessed it hits kyo.. as he always do & sulk &  think abt himself cuz yuki can only do monologues when he’s directly involved.... man~it is so sad how the anime is dumped down.. Who is the target audience again? not kids as young as hiro cuz even hiro is smart!

-just look:

 Momiji talks abt kyo shouldn't give up loving tohru & the authr shows this this ghost!!! his mom! The author reminds us that kyo isnt da~~~~ forgetting anything. He’s a deeply troubled soul & hos mom wants him locked cuz she too was locked in a cage & thinks that’s safer...why oh why you dump ur own story! sh!t~

Side Notes:

I like the closeups on Kisa’s face as she interacted with kyo. It’s very rare for kisa to have a world beside the endearing parental/big protective bro/big doting sister love she has with tohru & haru & off course the romantic love with hiro which was perhaps since their birth or sth. lol.  Kisa & kyo arent much on the brotherly side as they rarely interact, but its one of those  refreshing  interactions she has that helps cast a new light on her as tiny as it is,  but its sth out of the norm around her. She sees him  around tohru & gets to perceive his true unprovoked character. “He is  nice guy”.

I really wanted to punch kureno this chapter.. like Shigure is a jerk shitty dog for sleeping with akito’s mom but kureno... dude.. you submissively sleep with the guy’s eternal love interest & still walks in on him talking to her!!! lol. you’re mentally, emotionally & physically weaker than him & yet, she puts you on her bed, not him & you, tho not wanting her at all, dont walk away. No wonder shigure is defeated & wishing for someone like tohru, lol! Even if shigure met an older tohru-like person, it wont work. shigure deserve someone like him mean, schemer & loves playing power games. Tohru is someone who values honesty & commutation, not saying she’s an angel on earth, but tohru knows who suits her.. except fate is saying: NO. .... currently. lol.

I know kureno’s weakness is part of his character & I love that such characters exits. There are ppl ike that in real life. It’s just this chapter, I felt shigure’s frustration. XD

Yuki in this ep is the best yuki. no exaggeration here, I love when yuki is calmly thoughtful of others & here its kyo of all ppl !!!! cutting this scene is sad.. without it, kyo & yuki remain a cat & rat in the anime. Only ever thinking abt each other thro envious binoculars or hateful words or yuki giving kyo comedic hitting or life’s problem-solving hitting. Why can’t anime yuki be interactive outside his self-centered issues is beyond me.

Momiji & kyo’s interactions are always the best! whether comedy or drama.

I hated the curry cooking scene in the anime... so weirdly out of the ep’s flow.. very forced comedy... in the manga it had a purpose! not just quick add comedy cuz next shot momiji curse breaks & drama & we’ll close the ep with tears & sadness & glimpses of hope...

I love haru’s answer to hiro... so him.. “a guy can’t fall in love?”so chill.. so..simple.

[leckmichimarsch1782]

Debussy’s Disastrous Love Life

the most important thing to state first is that there will be no bawdy puns where i joke about debussys name and make it sound naughty, that being said:

when i said in my last post that debussy’s romantic life was a literal soap opera, i really meant it, except the only reason this might not be in a soap opera is because some parts may not be suitable for cable television, not that anyone’s watching anymore anyway.

i promise im just reading all of this off wikipedia so it really is true this time, the last story may have been somewhat apocryphal but i really hope not 

ok well let me first paint you a picture of paris around the turn of the century and shortly after.  it had a very palpable aesthetic, you had your cafes, and your quirky cool bohemians hanging out at the cafes like hippies over fifty years before that even became a thing, and art nouveau was starting to gain traction which was real pretty looking, and you had cholera if you didnt boil your water before drinking it (unless you wanna go tchaikovsky and say “im depressed anyway, fuck it”)  erik satie fit into this picture by playing his atmospheric almost melancholic gnossiennes to slip through the conversations and create that quintissential turn of the century parisian vibe.

debussy fit into this picture as a homewrecker i guess.  first he met a woman called gabrielle around the time he met satie and they started living together in the summer of 1893, and he basically cheated on her with a singer named therese roger like only a year after they moved in together.  their engagement was promptly called off, and debussy lost friends as a consequence.  eventually he set his sight on gabrielle’s friend lilly though, and dumped gabrielle for lilly.  debussy even threatened to kill himself if lilly didn’t accept him.  wasn’t he so dreamy?  debussy really watched the office, saw kelly on screen for a minute, then said “i wanna be like her.”  lilly did accept debussy’s affections though, and they got married around 1899.

then he cheated on her too.

this time it happened almost five years into their relationship (which i guess is improvement?).  apparently he didn’t think she was smart enough, or that she had the right sensitivity for music, so he had already become a bit indifferent towards his current girlfriend i guess.  he then happened to meet the mother of one of his piano students, one emma bardac, an intriguing, sophisticated singer who was very sharp in conversation and was also the wife of a prominent banker (but still had plenty of extramarital relationships).  instant fireworks.

debussy convinced lilly to stay at her home alone for a while, and immediately after left the city with emma on a steamy forbidden clandestine elopement to the north of france.  now, i know debussy cheated on multiple women, and as you’ll soon see, kinda drove his previous girlfriend lilly to do something she’d really regret, but easily his worst moral crime was taking a significant other to the north of france when he had no reason at all not to go to the south instead.  honestly, who goes to the part of france that has english weather??   when the part of france that’s by fucking italy and spain is just right there, beckoning you to pristine romantic mediterranean sandy beaches?  i don’t care if he wrote la mer or prelude to the afternoon of a fawn or even pelleas and melisande, claude debussy had horrible taste.

anyway, on the 11th of august 1904, debussy wrote to lilly, not telling her there was another woman, but simply that their marriage was off.  in debussy’s defence, he didn’t know that the following would happen, but still could have avoided it by just being good to his significant others: two months later, lilly attempted to shoot herself fatally by firing a revolver shot into her chest.  fortunately, she lived, but shit really hit the fan after that.  the entire story came to public light, embroiling both claude and emma in a deep scandal that resulted in emma being disowned by her parents, divorced from her husband, even more of debussy’s friends disowning him, including messager, dukas, and though he and ravel were never very close, their relationship grew sour when ravel joined other past friends of debussy in creating a public fund to raise money for lilly.

basically everyone in paris was pissed at both claude and emma, so they left for england for a while then eventually came back and chilled there. 

that’s kind of it for all the drama, they just married, had a daughter then died pretty much.

there’s really no moral to the story besides maybe don’t cheat on people?

another thing to probably mention is that this kind of stuff with regard to composers probably shouldn’t affect our enjoyment of their work.  sure, wagner was an awful person for more reasons than just antisemitism, and his wife (liszt’s daughter) cosima *blech* was pretty gross too, but the liebestod from tristan almost made me cry and i’m not ashamed to admit it.  beethoven basically drove his nephew to attempt suicide but we’re not really going to pretend his quartets aren’t bangers.  mozart-  no mozart never did anything wrong, actually, if i could kick it with the composers of my choice, mozart and haydn would be pretty high on my list.

the point is, though, just because a composer did something nasty doesn’t mean we can’t still love their music.  except for chris brown, who is objectively awful

peace.

[violentviolette]

hi! I saw your recent post about Bakugou having ASPD and in it you mention Todoroki and Izuku and so I was wondering if you wouldnt mind sharing what your headcanons for the other characters were, if you have any?

hhhhh oh man anon. i have... So Many. u have unlocked one of my many soap boxes so strap in. sorry to everyone who didnt sign up for anime when they followed this blog but frankly, thats on u.

SO OKAY I have many nuerodivergent headcanons for the BNHA kids (im assuming thats what u mean here when u say headcanons) so to keep this post shorter than my last novel i’ll just list them and give little blurbs and then if u want more elaboration on certain characters just let me know

Katsuki: comorbid aspd/npd with a smattering of issues from childhood abuse. I wouldnt say katsuki necessarily has ptsd from that (altho he 100% has it after the kamino incident) but i do think he has some lasting issues which we see in how he relates to todoroki (the provisional liscence class chapters with the kids specifically i feel like highlights these things really well imo)

Todoroki: cPTSD & autism. I think shoto is a great positive example of a character on the spectrum. a lot of fandom likes to joke about his “obliviousness” and how he takes everything so literally and has such a flat affect, but imo all of those traits make much more sense when viewed from the perspective of someone whose autistic. Todoroki is smart and kind, but he struggles with identifying his own emotions and the emotions of others, he takes things at face value because he’s bad at reading social ques and emotional tone. he has a hard time handling and processing his own feelings and emotions, often becoming extremely overwhelmed by them. but i also think his PTSD factors deeply into how his autism presents itself, making him much more prone to internalizing his feelings and emotions as opposed to say, Izuku. Todoroki isnt allowed to freely experience and express his emotions during childhood and so instead he turns them off, something thats common for autistic people in abusive situations. feelings are so overwhelming that when all ur feeling is bad feelings, its easier to feel nothing. which is why we see him struggle even to allow himself to feel positive or happy feelings in the present

Izuku: I mean Izuku is like the PRIME example of a character with both adhd & autism. he’s hyperactive, highly distractable, needs tons of stimulation, he STIMS, oh man the stimming. Izuku stims so much all the time and i love it. this boy is so squirmy he CANNOT sit still. heros and all might specifically are his obvious hyperfixations, he attaches large amounts of emotion into his personal objects, he’s deeply empathetic and caring, and because he grew up in a kind, loving environment, his emotions arent blunted and internalized like Todorokis and hes highly excitable and gets emotional easily. this also makes him prone to anxiety, as his emotions are always so close to the surface and his high empathy makes him constantly worry about everyone around him.

Toga: bpd, altho i say this with a BIG caveat. because i understand that the stereotype of the “crazy psycho bpd ex-girlfriend” trope exists and is shit garbage, and so i definitely would side with people with bpd if they feel this perpetuates too many negative stereotypes since toga is a villain. but i do think u could make a good case for her having bpd in a realistic and authentic way and not just as a stereotype. im someone who id’s with villains a lot and doesnt see them as like, negative characters who u shouldnt ever identify with or ur a monster respectability politics type shit. i think good villains are ones that feel human and relatable, but i do agree that perpetuating negative stereotypes isnt good representation (lets not talk about magma because i cant have that conversation civilly).

Iida: I think u could make a good argument that Iida has ocd, but he’s not one of my favorite characters so i dont have a whole lot of contextual evidence at the ready, my apologies

Dabi & Shigi: i mean the league in general is team ptsd but these two shitheads are definitely the king and queen of the whole affair. i feel like i dont even need to really explain this one just go read their backstory chapters (in this house the reality is that dabi is touya todoroki and thats just an accepted fact we will not entertain any fake news to the contrary).

and those are pretty much it! I do think theres a smattering of other things among the characters like Shinsou definitely has depression, Kirishima clearly has some anxiety and self worth stuff, Amajiki is riddled with axiety, ect. but yea, for the most part those are my basic thoughts. thanks for giving me the chance to ramble anon

[shattered-catalyst]

So this  isnt for anything other than just to say what happened just so I feel heard and I can explain why I cant be as energetic and socially active on here. Its not a callout post or to be reblogged/shared by people. Its not to get anyone in trouble or to cause any reaction. It’s just for me to let it out and reclaim this space again. Its been a year since it happened and I guess I’m just still noticing how badly it has impacted my PTSD. How much its changed me as a person both online and off, and this isnt a woe as me thing either this is just me feeling a need to be heard and explain my own behavior over the year and also to make one simple request of you guys: no matter what you do, always treat your rp partners as people first and writers second.

Because I feel myself becoming bitter and that isnt who I am and I dont want to be someone like that. Or like this. I want to be me again

The person who did this wont be named mainly because they dont deserve it and yall dont need to know. Their behavior when I confronted them more than cements the impression that they dont see any harm in what they said and how they reacted. And again this isnt about them though In A Way I suppose it is? it takes two to tango but it takes one to encourage someone to kill themselves.

This is going to be long because I need to inform on the activity that lead up to this  because it didnt just happen over night- though in a way it did. But you need a better picture of this person because apparently they present a really great face that only a few of us see the manipulative and toxic side of.

This person was always very judgemental and hyper critical. I witnessed a lot of very negative and toxic behavior from them but I was naive and just hoped they would mature as they grew older and gained more independence. I thought it was just a toxic friend group and that perhaps she would recognize her self destructive and immature behavior and grow from it. 

My first red flag should have been when they accused me of being their ex girlfriend SOLELY because I was living in PA. I hate to break it to yall, but PA is a big ass state and has a lot of comic book loving ladies. Thankfully I have never met this person IRL and I hope I never do.

They tried to pull me into making fun of other muns on discord, including mocking sensitive pictures from a mun’s personal blog. I blatantly said it wasnt okay and made me uncomfortable and she continued laughing and making jokes about it with her friend group on discord. She kept trying to pull me into it no matter how often I tried to change the subject.

Her group of friends also did this thing where one of them would go interact with a mun an they would take screenshots of the convo and share it with the group and mock the mun they were interacting with. Whether it be their presentation of character/grahics/writing style/ etc.

The other red flags I ignored? How much she complained and mocked other muns and compared them to me; if anyone did anything or said anything she disagreed with it was an instant blow up. She took EVERYTHING personally including other people writing the same characters she did, having differing headcanons, not knowng obscure details about canon, etc.

She once tried to make fun of a new writing partner I had who was writing the same character, and I had to break it to her that this new person could write in her first language if she wanted to; im being very vague but let me just say if you and your character have the same first language and you want to write in it then its completely WRONG for a white mun to try and make fun of you for it.

She once suggested I had stolen pictures off her pinterest when she sent me a moodboard request for my character. Jokes on her I didnt even know she HAD a pinterest and I had gotten all my pictures from the ‘green aesthetic’ tag on tumblr. Which I told her but she kept pushing the idea on me I had stolen them. I of course dismissed this and put it on the back burner despite the alarm bells going off.

This hyper critical and paranoid behavior continues with everything from other canon blogs making similar head canons/ vaguely similar graphics/ to fanfiction authors having similar head canons/plot ideas.

My penname Citrus? I didnt want one. I didnt want it. She demanded I have a pen name and if not she was going to call me Cat. Now as yall know I dont like being enmeshed with my muse so I keep myself separate from them. I didnt like being called Cat and I told her that explicitly. She kept doing it. So I had to make a pen name because she refused to respect my boundaries.

When the Deadpool movie came out she DEMANDED I change my FC to reflect the movie Despite Not Changing Hers to reflect her own characters new look - which might i add is fat erasure. It was clear then that the rules and standards she held other people to didnt apply to herself. I was labeled problematic for not giving into her demands to change FCs (which I have a literal logical reason for not changing and im not explaining that here)

So I shouldve left. Long story short I didnt because every friendship I’d been in until around this time had been abusive and toxic. I thought this was all normal behavior for people to have and I was convinced I was just being critical of someone elses opinions/ insensitive etc. Thanks to my colleagues in graduate school and to several of you on here I learned that ‘hey dumbass friends dont treat your ass like this’.

Im leaving a lot out about the shit she did/said to me but those snippets give you an idea of things.

Leading up she decided to leave fandom and asked we didnt talk about marvel I said cool okay and didnt talk about marvel with her. If I did I would ask first if she was okay if we talked about one small aspect I thought might excite her/ she would like to know about but it wasnt often that happened because she began ghosting me. Hard. She stopped replying to me at all over discord when I would try and talk to her how we used to about our lives. She didnt answer any asks for munday or character development, in fact she blatantly ignored me.

I checked in a couple times with her to make sure I hadnt done anything to make her uncomfortable and she said no. May I emphasize she said no here. Im emphasizing it right now. She said no. She said everything was fine. So when I was like hey dude this is super triggering for me can you send me like a hi every once in awhile just so I can know we’re okay because its super triggering for me. Yall know what she did? She ‘lmao’-ed. she thought that was hecka funny. Yeah triggering ‘Citrus’ is hilarious isnt it? No it isnt and I shouldve cut her ass off right then and there.

Heres where shit gets confusing: she kept fucking talking about marvel to me. Id get messages at random times about marvel and then silence for weeks. I vividly remember during this period I was cleaning the museum vault and she kept messaging me about her marvel fc’s and how she wouldnt get a plotline and how characters were wrong etc.

I remember being REALLY confused because she had said NO MARVEL. But here she was bitching at me about marvel. In fact thats all she did when she did talk to me. Which was only like three or four times during the ghosting time period. She’d bitch about marvel and then vanish.

Shed make claims about not watching her dash and thats why she never responded to me/ interacted with me. She’d say she wasnt talkng to anyone while I see her on the dash TALKING TO PEOPLE and Id like to point out Ive told her I would be fine ending anything as long as she let me know.

but she followed me on every blog and throughout this time period she made and followed me on numerous ones. She kept reaching out sporadically to bitch about her fcs/how horrible marvel was/ and thats it. 

It was extremely confusing because if someone doesnt want to talk to me I assume they will; 1. unfollow 2. block 3. say goodbye 4. ghost and stay ghosted.

Not cycle through behavior rapidly. I asked her a few times if we were good and that I was confused and I got another ‘lmao’ reaction so I assumed we were good. At this point I still have no idea what was going on/ what message I was supposed to be receiving other than confusion.

So following this is heavily suicide tw and I encourage you not to read this part and to scroll down until the suicide tw is over which is highlighted in bold- if you’re triggered by that because I care about those who follow my blog.

So thats when this shit happened. I had tried reaching out to her on a different fandom platform to try and maintain the friendship. Because she said numerous times that we were friends. So like I reached out thinking maybe she just didnt want a marvel blog period.  It wasnt too long after that that she suicide baited me.

I was in a really bad place and had been for awhile and when I posted about how the only thing holding me on was the new comic coming out and specifically said “im seriously suicidal and this comic is the only thing giving me hope #idk what to do anymore ”. I was surprised when she liked the post.

I was three steps into a four step plan. I had everything but the method planned out and was just waffling along with that. Because yknow its complicated and you do it you make it count amiright. Right. I was in a fucked up place. I had just realized I was gay, I was horrendously depressed, I was in considerable physical pain, I was working 70 hours a week, my OCD was at an all time high and the only thing that kept me on this earth was a fucking comic book. You hold onto what you need to yknow?

WELL APPARENTLY NOT

Because this person who doesnt read her dash? This person who doesnt want to talk about anything? Liked that post where I specifically stated I was suicidal and sent me a discord message saying “dont have hope”.

Thats all it said “dont have hope”

Now I know what youre thinking but hold on because it gets worse.

I said something about being confused I dont really remember because I was pretty out of it. I do remember she kept going on about how horrible the comic would be and that it would be a piece of trash. I remember telling her I was really numb and in a bad place and couldnt feel anything. I remember her sending me screencaps and continuing to go ON AND ON about how it wasn’t worth reading.

I remember with gross intensity how someone who said they were my friend was taking away the only thing that was keeping me alive.

I dont remember how the conversation ends. I called out of work for the next three days. I was catatonically depressed and unable to really move. I didnt eat either. I went to internship, work, and school in a state of dissociation.

 I took screencaps of everything and set them aside for later. IDK what I was going to use them for but I set them in a folder on my desktop, looking back I regret what I did next; because I deleted them. I deleted them because I thought maybe she had been manic or drunk and hadn’t realized the scope of what was happening. I wanted to talk to her about it and clear things up because I believed in her. I believed there was no way she would be so callous as to do that on purpose. No way would someone try and get someone they called a friend to kill themselves. So I deleted the screencaps and my post on tumblr. I deleted all evidence to protect her and I encourage you all never to fucking do that even if you think that person misunderstood the gravity of your situation. Because if you’re wrong no ones going to believe you.

I remember shifting between intense depression and total denial.

I spent the rest of that month in and out of intense dissociative states when I wasnt in class or working with my clients.  During the middle of October my sister sent me pictures of a litter of puppies and I was like ‘well, i really need to either kill myself or make sure i dont’. I spent a few days continuing to waffle with that decision but then i remembered my mom cosigned my loans and I cant leave her with that debt because fuck we cant even afford my funeral to begin with. So I adopted a dog, I named him Julio to remind me to keep living and he finally came to me on halloween.

He was the only reason I left bed on my days off. I tried not to think about it but I did.  

I continued to spiral with heavier dissociative episodes and vivid nightmares about it.

SUICIDE TW OVER

I waited until Christmas to ask her to clarify the situation and let her know I no longer felt comfortable writing with her. I reminded her what happened and told her to check her discord if she wanted to see for herself etc.

She sent two long asks of combative, emotionally abusive, and gaslighting accusations. The first thing she did was say I needed to provide evidence if I went around making accusations like that. Then she cascaded into how I always talked about marvel *points up to where i explained what happened earlier*.  She tried gaslighting me like a champion and tried turning me into a horrible person the only problem is everything she was accusing me of doing was the shit she was doing to me. Everything. 

Even if I was bad at any time I had given her numerous chances to tell me I was overstepping a boundary- she always said no. I gave her numerous times to unfollow me if she wasnt interested in interacting with me- she never did. In fact I had unfollowed her that month because of her behavior towards me and she hadnt even noticed.

I let her know I could tell she was angry,  and that I didnt take receipts of private conversations because I believed in settling things like adults, and that if she ever wanted any proof it was all in her discord anyway. I let her know she could contact me to apologize but otherwise I didnt want her on any of my blogs and I told her the first thing she should have done wasnt demand receipts but she should have asked if I was okay. Its a real reflection of where her priorities were when she demands evidence rather than checks to see if a writing partner is okay.

Even if I did something horrible it doesnt warrant someone trying to get me to end my life. 

I was notified she put a post on her blog apologizing to her followers for being a bad friend and that she was a horrible person and ofc everyone was like ‘noooo youre perfect’ and its like ya thats not for me who hasnt followed her in months- thats to save face.

Her friends blogs kept visiting my profile and going through the month where this happened.

Everything she did and said was to save face. Her blog and her reputation are the only thing she cared about. She has never approached me to apologize or anything of the sort and I doubt she ever will. I would hope she would never do this again and I hope she has grown as a person since. That her life is better and her mother is okay, that shes happy and learning. 

 I know by posting this I will never receive an apology- then again i never expected one to begin with. I could go through all the trouble of restoring the deleted files but to be honest it isnt worth it because theres no room in my life for that type of toxicity.

Since this happened I:

I have stronger episodes of depression and dissociation since.

My PTSD has increased and I have week long spikes in anxiety attacks, depression and decreased self worth if I even see her around the rpc despite being blocked, blacklisted on xkit etc.

Have more difficulty completing basic self care tasks due to an increase in depression and a decrease in self worth.

I have nightmares about this event and her to this day a year later.

I cannot interact with the RPC how I once did as I fear seeing her on my dash or any sort of information getting back to her about me.

It took me half a year to see the character she wrote as as safe again and for awhile I couldnt even look at him without experiencing an anxiety attack.

I keep having nightmares. Its been a year and I still have nightmares about this.

I find myself having more difficulties connecting with people online especially on this blog. I’m constantly on edge when interacting with people and I feel spikes of anxiety at the merest thought of someone talking about me to her.

I find myself unable to have confidence as a writer or creator online because I have been reminder of the cement wall between oc characters and their canon counterparts.

I cannot go out and just follow anyone and be friendly and trusting with them anymore, even with people I already know. In the back of my mind is a constant reminder of how she and her friends used to check up on people and pretend to write with them/ interact with them just to take screenshots of conversations to share with the group. I have become a paranoid little bitch in the past year is what Im saying. like theres 0 need for that shit.

I blocked most of the people she interacted with simply to save myself from being triggered by her blogs/ mentions of her and that isnt fair to those people.

I remember the photo incident and how people derived such joy from mocking someones body. I can think of so many incidents of them making fun of others and I remember how that could be happening about me rn, and I wonder if anyone would stick up for me like I did for the other mun.

 I hope by posting this I can try and return to the person I was before this happened. I can try and not be so bitter and reach out again to others. That somehow I can continue working on making tumblr a safe place for me again and not a PTSD laced minefield.

I would like to remind this isnt a callout and I request if you know who this is about you dont say anything to them. This isnt for them. They have NEVER reached out to apologize for their actions. They have NEVER checked to see if I was okay after that. They have NEVER shown any remorse for encouraging me to kill myself and while I hope they’ve grown from the situation and will never do it again I doubt I will ever get closure from such an event. But i DO hope by writing this I can take this place back.

Consider this my first step towards bringing this up to a therapist.

 Consider this another step to me taking this blog back and feeling safer here; and maybe just maybe Ill make up a cool pen name for myself and own that shit.

If you’ve read this far thank you for your patience with me, and I request you always treat your writing partners like the people that they are. 

This post is not intended or written to leave this blog and therefore I request you not reblog it or share segments of it with ANYONE. If I find you have shared anything on here without my explicit permission I will block you.

‘Citrus’

[trans-son-of-perdition]

Why I relate the Trench album to my own personal life and struggles.

A couple things before I begin. I am aware the true meaning of this album relates to Tyler Josephs career and struggles with mental health. However, art is subjective. It’s meant to be interpreted however you want. I’m not trying to invalidate his experiences, this is just how the album helped me and how I related to it in a way that made it important to my life and my coping with realizations I had around the time Trench was being teased and released. This post is not meant to attack a specific faith, however given my own opinions and viewpoints this post could be uncomfortable for current believing members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. If you are uncomfortable with exmormon viewpoints, this might not be the post for you, and I would like it if you didn’t try to force your views onto me as a result of this post. I will also give warnings for abuse mentions, cult mentions, mentions of suicidal thoughts, and mentions of transphobia. 

In this post, I’ll go through each song in the album and explain what it relates to in my life. I’ll also go into the lore of Trench and how I relate to the Clancy letters, as well as explaining why my icon and blog banner are what they are.

If you have not heard this album, I recommend it entirely. And even if you have, I recommend listening along to this post. You do not need to be a fan of Twenty One Pilots or the album to read this, however, and you do not need to understand the deeper lore or know about the Clancy letters to read this post.

With that being said, this will be a long post, so I’ll put the rest under a read more. 

Let me begin by briefly introducing myself. I am a 22, nearly 23 year old Exmormon who was born and raised in the church near the heart of Salt Lake City, Utah. I was a devout member of this church until I was 15, which was when little things started to not make sense anymore. This was when I was shown that it was okay to feel differently about my gender and sexuality, when I started to realize there were words to describe why I felt so weird about the concept of being a girl, etc. In a lot of ways, 15 was when my faith started slipping. There are journal entries from then where I’m crying about how I didnt want to feel the way I did, it was kind of the usual young mormon kid has a crisis over their sexuality and gender and tries to pray about it over and over but nothing changes. I even had a moment at 17 where I found a place to hide where my family wouldnt hear me and prayed for about an hour because I was questioning if the church even was true. I got no answer to this.

By the time I was 18, I no longer attended church. I still called myself mormon, and was actually kind of an apologist for years. It was only early last year that I started realizing something didn’t seem right, which was what led to a very long beliefs crisis and eventually me formally resigning from the church. It was also the year that repressed memories finally started to surface, and the true extent to which I had been abused and neglected started to show. Near the end of 2018, one of my best friends helped me escape Utah and get far away from my family, and currently I am living happily in Arizona far from the church’s influence.

Now enter the Trench album.

Instantly, when the Jumpsuit video was first released, something felt comforting about it. And every song since has been extremely comforting to me because of how I have related it to my life. Here is how each song ((and even the videos and extra lore)) have helped me and have related to my life as a secret exmormon who felt trapped in Utah.

Jumpsuit

This song actually came out just as I was questioning the church and realizing some things that were very long. With every little thing I found that was wrong, it was like my life crumbled a little more. I’ll admit, the “spirits in my room” lines I took much more literally, having lived in a very haunted house in a very haunted part of Utah, but the lines “Felt it in my youth, feel it when I’m old” also felt like a reassurance to me that the doubts and feelings I had in highschool when I was just beginning to question myself and my life were valid. Like they weren’t just a passing phase, this was something that had been going on my whole life. And then we have the bridge. 

I'll be right there But you'll have to grab my throat and lift me in the air If you need anyone, I'll stop my plans But you'll have to tie me down and then break both my hands If you need anyone

My life up to this point had been manipulated by those around me. My parents controlled my actions, I sat there and let them abuse and disrespect me. If any of them needed anything, I jumped to help. This had spread into my other relationships as I felt the need to be there for everyone, be the personal therapist to everyone, try to fix the emotions and problems of everyone I knew because my family had made me think thats what I needed to do. Like in the video, I was very much stuck under the spell of the “smearing” of the bishops. My family knew how to manipulate my emotions into feeling like I was in the wrong, like I inevitably had to love them and follow them no matter what. Which was why the “Cover me!” screamed at the end makes my heart beat faster. In his “Cover me!” I felt my heart scream it too. I couldn’t out loud, because my family would have yelled at me and made my life hell, but I could scream inwardly with him. I could feel myself running from the bishops with him. That song felt more joyous, more releasing, and more moving to me than an LDS Hymn had in years. Even as I’m writing this, the “Cover me!” makes me feel deep and strong emotions that at one point I would have called “the spirit” or “the holy ghost” and its stronger than any feeling I attributed to those things from talks or lessons in the church.

Levitate 

This song actually gave me courage to be more openly myself again. To stand up for myself and look for other options. To admit that the way my life had been was fucked up and that there were better things out there. The line referencing Car Radio was cool to me, because Car Radio was a big song for my depression and dysphoria. I wont go into it too far, since I��m focusing on Trench music, but I’ve always taken Car Radio as a good way to describe how I felt about my life, the world, and my own dysphoria and struggles with suicidal thoughts. And so having this song tied to rebellion against how my life had always been reference another song that had helped me with coping was so encouraging to me and honestly really cool!

This culture is a poacher of overexposure, not today Don't feed me to the vultures, I am a vulture who feeds on pain.  

I mean. Come on. I lived in Utah. Utah culture is oversaturated in the church. Its in the politics, in the laws, in the tv shows and on the radio. There’s a ward building everywhere you go. You cant do anything without seeing it somewhere, at least not in big cities ((or at least not living as close to downtown Salt Lake City as I did.)) Admitting to being exmormon while there felt like I was risking being separated from the rest of society. While this isn’t entirely true, I grew up seeing how my family treated exmos. The way they treated them like poor misguided souls that would eventually have their “sins come crashing down on them and turn their hearts back to the church”. 

The next few lines are kinda self explanatory. “Sleep in a well-lit room, don't let the shadow through,” both refers to the whole “haunted house” thing I mentioned ((a story I wont go into here tbh)) as well as me using my room as the one place I could hide and be more myself, discuss the things I believed and thought. “And sever all I knew, yeah, sever all I thought” has to do with the slow realizations of the lies I had been taught by the church my whole life. The next few lines refer to what sounds like him asking for help to keep away from the ledges, which both feels like my reaching out to online friends for support both to reassure me that I wasn’t crazy as well as their help in keeping me away from my increasing suicidal thoughts.

The video actually felt like my chosen family in general, them getting me away from these ideas and worries I had had burned into my brain at a young age, pulling me out of this DEMA and into their Trench, where we all could support each other and help each other realize that the false things of our past didnt have to shape our futures for us. And much like Tyler, I was still struggling with my parents pulling me back in by tugging at my emotions, making me feel guilty for my rebellion.

Morph

Lets be honest, in order to explain this one I need to post the whole song. It feels like a mixture of my beliefs crisis and dealing with an abusive and transphobic family, to be honest. 

Can't stop thinking about if and when I die For now I see that "if" and "when" are truly different cries For "if" is purely panic and "when" is solemn sorrow And one invades today while the other spies tomorrow We're surrounded and we're hounded There's no "above", or "under", or "around" it For "above" is blind belief and "under" is sword to sleeve And "around" is scientific miracle, let's pick "above" and see For if and when we go "above", the question still remains Are we still in love and is it possible we feel the same? And that's when going "under" starts to take my wonder But until that time, I'll try to sing this

Here we have my crisis, where I was doubting my own doubts and wondering if I was wrong and truly destined to end up in a lower kingdom away from my family and if I was sinning. It led to a fear of death, a fear of the end of the world, a fear of anything related to it because what if the mormons were right? Honestly, this is an ongoing thing that causes panic attacks to this day, and this song is where I turn to when these doubts happen.

If I keep moving, they won't know I'll morph to someone else What they throw at me's too slow I'll morph to someone else I'm just a ghost I'll morph to someone else Defense mechanism mode

A lot of people in the transgender community have brought up that this is a really relateable few lines. I’d like to add on top of it being about my gender, it also can relate to how I spent years pretending to be someone else in front of a lot of people ((and still am to some extent, I’m working on that.)) in order to keep myself safe.

He'll always try to stop me, that Nicholas Bourbaki He's got no friends close but those who know him most know He goes by Nico, he told me I'm a copy When I'd hear him mock me that's almost stopped me

This part I actually relate to my younger brother, who is almost violently abusive towards me and who I have had not only threaten harm to me, but have had mock me and tell me that nobody truly cared about or loved me, along with much worse things that were so intense and awful that when my sister ((the only family member I truly trust)) heard it and told our parents what happened, they were legitimately worried about me knowing about my suicidal thoughts and were bugging me the entire time I was at work and while I walked home to make sure I was safe and okay. My brother is a horrible person, and I honestly am afraid for whoever ends up marrying him based on his treatment of everyone else in our family. My sister and I have even shared our concerns with each other that he could one day lash out and hurt/kill one of us. Hes one of the biggest reasons I and her hurried to leave the state as fast as we could.

Well we're surrounded and we're hounded There's no above or a secret door What are we here for? If not to run straight through all our tormentors? But until that time I'll try and sing this

This again relates to my family, along with the opinions of the church towards transgender and gay people. I don’t think I need to go into what the LDS church thinks of us. 

The final part of the song, to me at least, feels like the loneliness of my situation, and wanting someone to be open with in real life that would understand where I was coming from. It also is about my reaching out online when I couldn’t find support in person.

My Blood

I actually don’t need to go into this too deeply. My whole chosen family relates to this song, and so hearing it reminds me of them. This song is how we are to each other and how we feel about each other. Pretty straightforward. Especially since this song likely is about Tyler’s brother, so the fact we all consider each other brothers and sisters works with this.

Chlorine 

Another straightforward one. It kinda feels like I’m singing this to the people of my past. My family especially, but also the friends that were part of why I hid so much about myself. They were toxic, but I made myself stay near them out of love. And as I “decayed”, the feeling of rebellion started to grow more until I found myself running for my life away from them all. 

I'm so sorry, I forgot you Let me catch you up to speed I've been tested like the ends of A weathered flag that's by the sea Can you build my house with pieces? I'm just a chemical 

This final part is more towards myself, however. How I forgot the true me, how I’ve been broken and hurt by these people, and how I need to finally build my life up again away from them all.

Smithereens

Another one that makes me think of my chosen family, and makes me think of my best friend who helped me escape Utah. I’m not a violent person, I actually consider myself a pacifist. But if someone threatened my loved ones I’d do everything I could to stop them.

Neon Gravestones

Yeah, I had to get to this one eventually. This song hit me hard the first time I heard it. If you haven’t heard any songs from this album at all, THIS IS THE ONE YOU SHOULD HEAR. It speaks very bluntly about how fucked up the media’s portrayal of suicide is, among other issues around that theme. Its beautiful in my opinion. 

Obviously yes, as someone who struggles with suicidal thoughts, this song obviously does resonate with me. But this is where I’ll go into the deeper lore for a moment.

In the world of Trench it’s been mentioned that the Neon Gravestones are one of the big symbols of Vialism- the religion in DEMA that is a religion that worships false light. In Vialism, those who have died in the name of Vialism are revered, respected, and glorified. Now look at the church. How many people have had their hardships and deaths be romanticized by the church? How often have I heard people say that if you die in the name of the church, you will be exalted? How many LGBTQ+ youth in Utah have killed themselves because they think that its better to die before they have sinned? How often growing up has the “Martyrdom” of Joseph Smith been romanticized and used to show how committed to the church he was? For hell’s sake there’s a song WRITTEN ABOUT HIM saying that he now will be glorified for eternity because he died for the church! He’s held with more respect than even Jesus in the church! I could go on for hours about how I feel about the way the church treats death and how fucked up it is that there have even been cases you can find online where people have been told it would be better that they killed themselves than be gay or be an apostate. I’ll get more into the Neon Gravestones symbolism later when I reach the Clancy letters. 

The Hype

Yet another song about reaching out for support and community as I was realizing the truth about the church. I also had a huge falling out with a close friend around the time the album released, so having this song to cope with it helped too. It feels like the acceptance of the fact I was slowly getting out of brainwashing and programming I’d had since I was an infant, and though I didn’t know where I was going in life anymore, I knew that I would have the people I trusted there with me every step of the way as I became a normal member of society and began a new, better life. 

A lot of songs in this album seem to be very chosen family oriented. This one just feels like a reminder to myself that I’ll be okay.

Nico and the Niners

This one is a little obvious. But i’ll go through it regardless. 

East is up, I'm fearless when I hear this on the low East is up, I'm careless when I wear my rebel clothes East is up, when Bishops come together they will know that Dema don't control us, Dema don't control East is up

This song was released at the same time as Jumpsuit, and honestly some of the same things apply. I realized how much this really fit my life at the time as I was working on getting out. How the literal bishops and leaders of the church as well as the figurative “bishops” of my life were who I was rebelling against. DEMA is a something I have actively called Utah ((mostly Salt Lake City and all other areas in the main valley)) before, for reasons from it literally being a city surrounded in huge walls((both the mountains as well as figurative walls)) that circled around a main central part ((Temple square)) where the bishops resided and performed rituals in the name of Vialism. The next lines mention that they, the bishops, want you to make you forget. They want you to be docile. To conform to them. Follow their rules and laws and teachings without questioning. Ignore and forget the things they don’t say in the moment are truth. In the video, Tyler is seen quietly preparing to escape, hiding in his room as yet another ritual is performed elsewhere in the city. He sneaks out of his dark room, where he meets the Banditos. He seems hesitant and scared at first, but they calm him down and welcome him.

What I say when I want to be enough What a beautiful day for making a break for it We'll find a way to pay for it Maybe from all the money we made, razorblade stores Rent a race horse and force a sponsor And start a concert, a complete diversion Start a mob and you can be quite certain We'll win but not everyone will get out

During this part, Tyler is loudly rebelling in the center of a courtyard, where all the people hiding and silently judging the Banditos from their windows can see and hear them. He sings about escaping and finding ways to prepare to run away, escaping the walls of DEMA and the watchful eyes of the bishops and those devoted to them. It’s after this that his friends, the Banditos, help him escape into the night from DEMA before he can be caught by the bishops, but leaving a trace behind to hopefully inspire the children still growing up and learning inside DEMA.

I compare my chosen family to the Banditos a lot, something that will become clear when we get to a song later on. My open rebellion, being myself and leaving the church, leaving Utah and the judgmental eyes of those still devoted to the church and their teachings... This is what the song is to me. I’ll win, I’ll escape, I will do what I can to inspire my younger brothers and sister to follow me out when they can. I’ll do what I can to help anyone still stuck in their DEMA, but in the end I had to leave. I had to listen to my chosen family and run. I had to get out of those walls before the metaphorical bishops of my life, my family, dragged me back down again into them and broke me further. In that way, Nico and the Niners is both the presidency of the church, but its also my parents. 

Cut my Lip

This one actually speaks to how I used to be, letting myself be abused and mistreated. The cycle of trying to escape but being dragged back in. Knowing I was being hurt but letting my programming and the thought that I had to love my family no matter what hurt me over and over. But though I’m bruised, I’ll keep moving.

Bandito

This is the big chosen family song. We have called ourselves Banditos a lot. I personally consider myself a Bandito. 

This is the sound we make When in between two places Where we used to bleed And where our blood needs to be

We are all in Trench right now, to various extents. I am mostly out of my DEMA, having physically left it but still dealing with the mental battles and the pulls from the “bishops” to return. Other members of my chosen family are dealing with abuse, neglect, trauma, mental illnesses, isolation, etc. We all have our own DEMA to escape, and we all do what we can to pull each other back into Trench and support each other as a family. 

In city, I feel my spirit is contained Like neon inside the glass, they form my brain

In Utah I felt trapped. Confined by what I could and could not say around my family because I was afraid of what would happen if they knew some of the things about me. About my opinions of the church. I had realized my brain had been manipulated and formed into what the church wanted, and I was starting to break free of it.

But I recently discovered it's a heatless fire Like nicknames they give themselves to uninspire

The opinions of my family and the church have begun to feel less important and the thought of rebelling against this has become easier and I have become more confidant in my beliefs. 

Begin with bullet, now add fire to the proof But I'm still not sure if fear's a rival or close relative to truth Either way it helps to hear these words bounce off of you The softest echo could be enough for me to make it through

I’m still afraid though, and I still have doubts pop up. And until I can fully break free of the brainwashing I was subject to for 21 years of my life, I’ll still have those doubts and fears. But hearing my chosen family reassure me and validate those feelings I have about the church helps me get past it and grow as a person.

As far as Sahlo Folina? We use it in my chosen family. When we see each other say it, we hurry to support each other and pull each other back from the personal bishops we have. For those who don’t know, Sahlo Folina in the lore is the call the Banditos cry out when they are stuck alone in Trench and need help. It doesn’t have a canon meaning otherwise, but many people have given it the meaning of the joy or act of creating. And my chosen family and I use this phrase to warn each other of panic attacks, or of dysphoria, or of a moment when we just need a little validation. This song is so important to us, and is one of the most beautiful songs on the album in my opinion. If you haven’t heard it, take a look at imabandi.to, its an interactive music video for the song that explains some of the deeper lore of Trench and is in general visually stunning.

Pet Cheetah

Honestly this is really just a bop, but its good for when I feel angry. Not just even at the church, in general its a good anger song because of how intense it feels. It also speaks to the isolation I felt, how I tried to calm myself down from my doubts for the longest time. It helps that the song kinda has a “Fuck it” moment halfway through.

I'm done with tip-toeing, I'll stay in my room My house is the one where the vultures are perched on the roof

The song then expresses the fear of losing everything, but its too late now. The anxiety is raising again, but I’ll do what I can to relax and keep going. 

Legend

This song actually makes me cry, because it reminds me of my grandparents. They were the two I was closer to than my own parents, and I was destroyed by their deaths. Even though I still feel them with me, I deeply miss them and I was scared for so long that I would never be able see them again because according to the church, I would have not been allowed to be near them again for eternity. “I look forward to having lunch with you again.” is the line that has made me break down crying before, because I know that no matter what happens, it’ll be okay. I wont go into my current beliefs here, but I know that my grandparents love me and that no matter what I’ll still get to see them again one day. 

Leave the City

And now that i’m crying from legend, let me personally sob for a moment about Leave the City, because this song is what I played as I finally left Utah. On my main blog, the title comes from this song. 

I'm tired Of tending to this fire I've used up all I've collected I have singed my hands It's glowing Embers barely showing Proof of life in the shadows Dancing on my plans  They know that it's almost They know that it's almost over 

This song expresses how I felt from my depression, the doubts, the abuse, the ongoing crisis as I realized more and more how much I had been lied to. I was being reassured by my chosen family and my other friends that it would be alright, that I’d get away and life would be better. Now that I’ve been out of that state for several months I can say they were 100% right, but while in the moment I was drained and tired and just wanted to be free. And the knowledge that one day I would leave was what kept me going and kept me alive.

But this year Though I'm far from home In TRENCH I'm not alone These faces facing me They know What I mean

Again, this feels like my chosen family, my Banditos. My real family, the people I trust most. The know who I am. They know where i’m coming from. And though I’m far from my end goals in life, and I’m still here in Trench, I am not alone. I have them with me, and for now that is what matters. 

Now, onto the lore and Clancy letters. Because honestly my relating to this doesn’t just stop at the music.

The following are quotes from the many “Clancy letters” that have come out sine the album was being teased.

Note 1:

As a child, I looked upon Dema with wonder, today, I am wrought with frustration, as I spend each day squinting for a glimpse of the top of the looming wall that has kept us here. It was upon my ninth year that I learned that Dema wasn’t my home. This village, after all of this time, was my trap. 

Before I became realized, I had deep affection for Dema. There was a wonderful structure to the city that put my cares to rest. Streets and locations were dependable, and the responsibilities of the day seemed to be accomplished with minimal effort. Once a task was taught and understood, we delighted in our ability to complete our obligations timely, and felt secure in knowing tomorrow's duties would be accomplished with the same efficiency. We all worked to represent our bishop with honor, and knew that each inhabitant of our region had a like-minded dedication to consistency.

Note 2:

To refer to Dema as my home has never felt accurate. Dema, to me, has simply been the place that I’ve existed, or, the 'slot' they've put me in. I've heard stories about the idea of "home," and its depiction has always seemed warm from the storyteller's description. There was a romantic ownership of the place they inhabited that I admired, but could never relate to.

Note 3:

Am I the only one who realizes that we've been lied to? Am I the only one not afraid of the notion that the nine have hijacked our trust, and extinguished the hope that once motivated our existence? We used to close our eyes and picture a better life, now this city is full of dry eyes caught in a trance of obedience, devoid of any trace of an identity.......My hope of something more is all I have in this rigid tomb, and I will not let it die.

I wanted to quote the fifth note, but the whole thing feels relatable to me as someone who left Utah. So here is the full letter:

I've made it out. I feel weightless. I know that place had always held me down, but for the first time, I can feel the unity that I had hoped for. It's been three nights now, and my breathing has changed - it's slower, and more full. It's like the air out here is actually worth taking in. I can see it back in the distance, and I'd be lying if I said that it wasn't constantly on my mind. I wish I could turn that fear off, but maybe the further I go, the less that fear will affect me. I feel betrayed by what I assumed was home. If I ever end up back there, I won't be able to look at it the same way. They are asleep. They're so sure that they know the truth, and carry on throughout their day with the same meaningless tasks. They've forgotten to look up, and to look outward, to understand that this isn't about 'in there.' This is about 'out here.' This new world surrounds me. I used to think the walls back home were massive- these green cliffs engulf me, and place me right in the middle- Trench is quite precarious at times, and it's easy to grow weary. But it's real, and it's true, and I'd much rather endure reality than to mindlessly be obedient to a life that someone else created for me. I've obsessed about this world for so long, that it feels more like home than anything I've experienced. Somehow, in this vast openness, I feel more protected than ever. The landscape feels endless, and I've found myself walking for hours without any true evidence of getting further down. But I've seen plants and colors out here that I'm not sure I've witnessed before. There's a beauty in the strangest places,- and the curiosity of what's next continues to motivate me. I wonder who else is out here. If what i assumed inside is true, there's got to be more like me. Sometimes I'll feel a presence, only to look up and see nothing. It's just another thing that I'm afraid of that also excites me. It all just confirms all of the things that I hoped to be true for all of this time. I am out here and I am very alive. I'm sometimes scared, but always discovering something new, and I will not stop. Cover me!

I’m not going to go into why these relate, it should be clear from my explanations of the songs why I can relate to these letters. If you are exmormon yourself, you might understand already anyway. 

Now finally, I’ll go into the letters in the site that I mentioned earlier, imabandi.to. These are actually where my blog icon and banner come from.

Remember when I explained Vialism? One of the notes goes further into it. 

The text reads “The necropolis glorifies the early graves of those who lost themselves along the way. Let us overthrow this concept as a symbol of dedication to and celebration of life.” and is accompanied by a caption that reads: 

STEADFAST IN OUR REBELLION AGAINST THE TEACHINGS OF VIALISM, WE TURN THEIR FALSE DOCTRINE UPON ITS HEAD. PROTECTED MORE THAN EVER, THE DOUBLE BARS ARE A SYMBOL OF LIFE AND HOPE. 

Overturning the symbol of false doctrine in order to celebrate the concept of life and being alive. This is what I want to do. Life should be enjoyed and celebrated and not controlled and given up for false teachings.

The icon for this blog is the Vulture symbol of the banditos. It comes from this note:

It reads: “The fear and pain shall not be elements that stop us, but what feeds us to persevere. The vultures above are our symbol of turning death to life.” And its caption reads:

WE ARE VULTURES. THE VULTURE SEES BOTH WORLDS, DEVOURING DEATH. A SYMBOL OF OUR RESPONSIBILITY TO TURN DEATH INTO LIFE. MAY WE LEARN FROM WHAT WE'VE LOST, AND COMMIT TO LIVING.

So another symbol of committing to being alive and to life itself. It is to me a symbol of rebellion against the things I was taught and becoming my own, free person.

Finally, the banner I use on my blog. 

This one I have compared to being an apostate. The caption reads: 

THOSE WHO SEE CORRUPTION INSIDE THE LIES OF DEMA FEEL A RESPONSIBILITY TO GET OUT, AND ATTEMPTED ESCAPE SHOULD BE HONORED. MANY ARE PUNISHED WITH THE FAILED PERIMETER ESCAPE BADGE, BUT WEAR IT PROUDLY. IT IS THEIR SYMBOL OF THE BANDITØ UNDERGROUND — THE FEW, THE PROUD, AND THE EMOTIONAL. 

The label apostate is used often by people in religions as a label meant to shame, but we use it proudly. There are posts I have even seen about how “Apostate” means freed slave, and how it is a thing to be proud of. Much like how the note above says: “ We shall call our label of delinquince by a new name. This is who we are, and let us never be ashamed by the penalty placed upon us by false authorities.” I’m not ashamed to call myself an apostate anymore. I feared it at one point, but now I embrace it. It is what I am. I am freed, I am openly defying and rebelling against the false teachings of my childhood. And seeing this note was what solidified me relating this album and its lore to my life entirely. In my opinion, I escaped my DEMA. I saw the outside of the walls and was helped by those around me to escape them and find true freedom beyond them, in Trench. And although it will be a long time before I am truly free from the trauma and leftover programming that happened to me while I was in the LDS church, I have those around me who will reassure me and support me and let me know that I am never alone.

Anyway. I’m finally at the end of the post. Thank you for reading this. Cover me!

[nopethatsnotembarrassing]

I know this doesnt matter to any of you guys but I think I decided that I talked about it yesterday I wanna keep talking on it here a bit. Warning: Long, depressing post of me whining about my life experiences

So I feel bad when I want things but usually the only things I really want (have a hard time passing off) are like limited edition stuff. Stuff I love collecting for that one day in the future where I have my life figured out and I have my own place that I can show off my interests and not hide them in my dresser embarrassed by them (cause I grew up being teased [and sometimes alienated] for everything that brought me joy, by my own fucking family [none the less], as well as assholes from school. Luckily it never got to physical bullying [but that's just cause people realized I dont really feel pain -at least to the extent that others do] at least from other people) but I'm also terrified that that day is never going to come. I'm terrified that I'm such a useless human that I'm never going to go anywhere and do anything.

I mean for fucks sake I've been dealing with chronic pain and fatigue for the last 7 fucking years and feeling "not right" (read depressed - I just didnt fucking understand it at such a young fucking age) for the last 10 years - that's half my fucking life time. I have had an undiagnosed pain my entire life I just used to be told "oh your growing, you'll be fine." And "oh your just clumsy" that the only thing I could think was that pain 24/7 was normal, and not feeling happy anymore was normal. I thought everyone just felt extreme pain all the time, always sick to their stomach, always. I mean that's what adults on TV and movies say all the time right? "Oh you dont know pain till your my age" - Well Fuck You to all shows and people who ever fucking said that to me. Because it wasnt until I literally couldn't walk anymore due to the pain I thought that maybe something was wrong.

And now I'm being told by my doctor that chronic pain can give the patient what feels to them as depression because of how little you feel you can do but it's not actually depression, like if I treat the pain I might be able to function more and not feel as depressed. Cause everyone I've ever talked to has always told me "oh your taking all of this so well" "I'm impressed, I'd be a mess right now" and (my personal favorite to hear especially from professionals) "oh a smiley young thing like you could never be depressed!" So now I also have imposter syndrome about my possible depression, upon feeling like I've lied about my chronic pain (for the aforementioned reason of thinking it was normal for so long), and my intelligence level it's a real fun shit show inside my head and every time I try to do and go or say anything I feel guilty. Guilty I wanna do things, guilty i want cool things for a day I'm still hopeful (most of the time) will come.

[alicezan-ncgred]

Bleeding Red

Preface: I’ve been bitching around the bush of this long enough. So, I’ve been really silent on a bunch of stuff that’s been eating me alive which has made me both inactive and unproductive. I’m going to get straight to the point, starting off with the TL:DR from my post on my main blog. Context: An anon asked me if I was alright because I hadn’t updated in a while.

TL:DR You probably didn’t ask this to hear about all the bad shit of my life so here’s the short of it. No, I’m not doing fine. I will try get next weeks post out on time and I’ll work on making up on the lost posts. Updates will return regularly, ‘ite.

Time for the thick and thin of it.

Insecurity and being shafted: I’m stoic, even at my worst I won’t say anything. I’ll push through regardless of my current condition and since I’ve gone years like this, it’s not hard for me to do. In my real life situation, I’m currently in a place of social isolation. This has lead to a somewhat near reliance on Tumblr to be my social outlet. This present many issues.

The main one is that I’m quite the isolationist. This has only been reinforced by many interactions throughout the entirely of my life. Because of this, I can’t say I’ve ever had anything really more than two friends at a time. While in a way this has helped me express myself so well through writing, it’s come at the cost of social skill. I don’t talk to anyone.

With this kind of issue you could easily imagine that the THREE PEOPLE (four now, but very limited) to ever directly talk ended up in a way shafting me. The first blocked and disconnected with me without warning or reason. At this point we’ve been talking to each for about a month and we hit it off very well and then one day, silence. Never heard from them again. That fucked me up hard when I finally realized what happened.

The second person left during the Tumblr P**n Purge. We were talking about how to contact each other on other platforms and then they stopped responding. I had already given contact to other platforms of which they pinged me in any way. Another person that I trusted massively on here just abandoned me and I’m still hurting from that. Wasn’t fair at all.

Then the third person was someone that I been following for a while. This person is actually the reason that I’ve been putting this off for so long. I don’t want them to see this post but they will. I got an ask from them that ultimately turned out to be misinformation. I said I wasn’t mad but I was. I was so fucking angry about it and I’m still kinda mad, but I didn’t want problems. I still don’t. I just didn’t want them to worry about it. This will come back later.

I try my best to be as inoffensive as possible. The problem with that is that much of the things I believe or enjoy are highly divisive. Hell, even my own identity can be seen as offence. I’m bisexual, non-binary (I’m currently still questioning this. I might actually be gender fluid but in the overall scheme, that’s worse than being non-binary), and nonreligious. I’m in a very religious area so you I’m still “in the closet” about much of this IRL. I though it would better online but with how much people are saying bisexuality doesn’t exist, or that non-binary isn’t a valid gender (or that being gender fluid make you insane and you should be locked up) and all the hate people who say they are this are getting, the very community that’s supposed to accept me, HATES me. I had a bi pride flag icon last year during Pride Month. I never doing that ever again. It was terrible.

I’m trying my best to come out of my shell like I said I would when I made this blog but it seems I’m just crawling further into it. People I think I can trust keep setting me up to fall, people I know in real life won’t ever accept my existence if they knew who I really was, and my own mental health problem and self loathing are eating me alive. But that isn’t the total of it.

Crumbling Pillar: I’ve always ended up in the position where things were thrown onto me. In which no one wanted to do, I was stuck with. Because of this not only do I have a severe distaste being around my family (beyond everything mentioned before hand) but I grew to have a negative out look on everything. This effect is still quite obvious in my writings, especially my poems. Out of the 14 poems on my poem blog @washed-soul​, only one has a happy meaning.

The one happy poem was called dreams. Under a metaphor it talks about how a demon kept me trapped in a dark space. I start to get better and nearly break free before I have a negative relapse back to my old ways. The poems ends with the demon putting a end to itself leaving the nightmare in which it was keeping me in to slowly fade away, letting one crack of light peeking through to become a window to a door until one day I walk free. When writing this poem, I never thought I would find myself rebuilding the nightmare but that’s where I am.

I’m done with holding things together that other people have placed onto me. Because of this, issues have began showing in my private life. Issues that should’ve been solved decades ago are only now being addressed. This change in the status quo of my life has caused many issues in my productive and mood. Between everything else I’m too tired to do anything.

Is that a reason, is that an excuse. No it isn’t but it’s the best thing I got as a reason. I’m doing my damnedest to do the best I can but of course, when it comes to the thing that matter I just fall short. Big fucking whopha my intelligence and capability does me if I can’t use it for anything that means a damn.

Meaningless Triviality: I’m a very emotional person. I’m very strongly bound to my emotions and if everything above hasn’t given it away, my emotions are very negative prone. But it just doesn’t stop there, it goes back into my memories. I can only honestly place 3 happy memories for certain that aren’t either A) a dream or B) me escaping reality through my mind. Besides that, almost all my memories are negative. 

People like to throw around the word Nihilist to describe themselves because today's culture is very, god while I hate to use this word, edgy. For those who don’t know a Nihilist is someone who views the world as being completely  meaningless and reject all religious and moral principles. I very truly struggle with this outlook of life. It’s a daily for me to berate myself saying “just kill yourself” or “I want to die” or just shutting down and crumpling up while say “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry” over and over again. Hell, I did that while writing this. 

I take things very hard, even the slightest transgression. I’m so used to trying to make things perfect and because people have the image that I’m the smart one, the mature one, the capable one, I’m left with the over hanging expectation of excellence. Almost no room for margin of error or being human. Since I’m the silent type, I put up no challenge and work to meet it. Only time I get any praise for anything too. 

I guess as a little self promotion to my main blog, for those that have read the very first few updates of my main blog @the-truth-behind-redacted, or read Defiance’s character sheet, while The Machine and Defiance are separate character, they both share the name Machine. That in part is a reflect of said above expectation. How ravenous and inhuman it can be all under the guise of something human. Those characters are the two sides to the same coin. 

Remember how I said I try to be un-problematical and how I try to avoid any potential conflict. In the first segment I told on how I lied about my feelings just so another person didn’t have to worry over something that honestly, in hindsight, wasn’t even really a big deal. But I also said how it consumed me in anger. I just don’t want to bother anyone over anything. It’s part of the reason why I am writing this post, as some way of a self enforced rehab program to get better. 

This absolute consumption of negative emotion has pushed me into a non human state before. I hit a point of absolute mental exhaustion and in such a self enforced bubble of actual hatred I became completely apathetic. I felt numb to everything. I watched and heard of terrible things happening to people, and felt nothing. I watched people lives crumble before them leaving them nowhere to go and LAUGHED. “Just another worthless pathetic worm on this rotting carcass of a planet being hit with the hard reality that life doesn’t care for them. What whimsical pathetic bullshit they deluded themselves with to think otherwise.” This isn’t an exaggeration on how I thought, this is what I actually thought. Which brings me too.

The Mandatory Sob Story: Roll your eyes everyone and get the tiny violin. I guess in order for everyone to exactly understand the place I’m coming from when it comes to mental health I’ll have to detail my experiences. I have a long standing history with mental illness. I have professionally diagnosed OCD, Bipolarism, Anxiety, Chronic Depression, and visual and auditory hallucinations. I take 600 mg of Seroquel a day as well as Amitriptyline when needed. I’m also still currently in therapy to deal with said OCD, Bipolarism, Anxiety, Chronic Depression, the visual and auditory hallucinations, as well as Suicidal thoughts, and my Nihilism. There’s a reason to why I’m so god damn familiar with mental illness and treatment plans.  

OCD and Bipolarism run in my family on my fathers side. My Father’s Father had them, my Sister has them, my brother most likely has them (however he refuses to see a doctor because he uses said possible mental illnesses as a get out of jail free card. He doesn’t want to be treated and he has FUCKING ADMITTED IT), my father has them, and I have them. I, however, have the misfortune of having it real bad. I said yes to well over half of all the total symptoms when I was being tested (I don’t remember exact numbers but I remember there being three pages worth of common symptoms) which was very worrying to the doctor. I was currently in an inpatient hospitalization program at the time for both suicidal thoughts and actions, and severe depression. 

On that, my graze in with suicide. Before I went into my first inpatient program I was contemplating suicide. I was sat in front of a mirror with a bottle of over the counter medication. It was an unopened bottle of ibuprofen, 1000 200mg tables. What I planed to do was down the whole bottle with benadryl and die in my sleep. I had the small box of benadryl got from the Kroger pharmacy and a hand full of ibuprofen poured out looking directly into the mirror. My suicide note was sitting on the desk on my room with an online copy on my laptop open.

I sat there for an hour in the dead of midnight complicating my life. I had lost all hope in the world, filled with hatred, anger, pain, and despair. I had no god or after life to look forward too, part way hoping that a Hell existed for me to burn in. I hated myself that much. I was close to taking the first handful before before I caught a glimpse of my own eyes in the mirror. In what was in a weird sudden epiphany I realized that I truly did become what I hated but not for any reason I told myself. I became the very bastion of negativity I sought to fight and rid of in what little friends I did have. That was what set off my path to recovery in spite of the medical system. I guess if people care I’ll make a separate post on that. 

Before I move on, I feel I should explain my history with the visual and auditory hallucinations. It should be no surprise that with everything else above, I also had extreme paranoia that led to me having very bad insomnia. Insomnia is, just like most other medical disorders like Depression, Self-harm, Anxiety, OCD,  Bipolarism, is romanticized to hell. Insomnia isn’t having one nights bad sleep where you got 5 hours of sleep instead of 8.

You know what Insomnia is? insomnia is being physical incapable of sleeping despite not sleeping in 2 to 3 day while your body suffers massive agony brought on by this. Muscle spasms and seizing, difficulty breathing, your eyes feeling like fire ants are eating them, and of course visual and auditory hallucinations. Now I already had issues with visual and auditory hallucinations even when I could get sleep regularly but the combined effects of my OCD and Bipolarism made this perfect condition of Insomnia, Anxiety, Paranoia, with the already added in disposition to hallucinations and I felt like I was actually losing my mind. 

My hallucinations presented themselves in three forms. Disassociation of reality, night terrors, or alterations of reality. Disassociation of reality often were complete black out moments. I would lose any perceived connect to reality and enter an episode of my mind. I can’t remember what they actually were but I do remember what it felt like. Cold sweats, anxiety to point where if I didn’t lock up I would vomit, actual physical pain, mind numbing fear, and intense fatigue. 

The second were night terrors often in the form of horrific “things.” I do remember these and most of them were as best as I could describe, forms of things that were vaguely human and formations of industrial machinery. The most vivid one I remember was of a long lengthy apparition that was for the most part human but many locations of it’s impossible physiology were rebar beams and mechanical sockets. It began when I was about to fall asleep and it was next to my window. The thing was making week groaning and gasping sounds before it violently slammed against my window breaking it then letting out a horrific howl that I can’t describe as it tossed itself out followed shorty after with the sound of bones breaking against the dirt. 

Now that might not seem so bad, exspecally with everything that is in horror movies or games now, but keep in mind that was fucking real to me. It was as real as the clicking of the keys of my keyboard as I’m writing this. As real as the chair I’m sitting in and as real as the wall in front of me. As far as my mind was concerned that thing, what ever it was, actually existed. It took me physical touching my window to make sure it wasn’t actually broken and checking outside to see if there wasn’t a body there. This isn’t the type of thing I talk about lightly. 

Finally there is the alteration of reality. This is very simply but it’s something that fucked with me hard. For very little meaning or warning, I would have trouble interpreting the world around me. My hearing and sight would be warped and there wasn’t any real way to tell what I was hearing or seeing was real or not until the episode was over. The way I got through these was the ultimate fake it till you make it. Obviously, very often I failed and this created issue in my schooling. 

Ending Message: I’ve been in a very bad state for a while now and as it is now, no signs of getting better. I also strongly believe my medications are being to fail me which I’ve been telling my doctor and therapist for over a year now but nothing’s been done. Mainly it’s my Depression but insomnia episodes are beginning and my own paranoia been on the rise. It’s gotten to the point where I can’t even look at a creepy image or thumbnail without having a very bad episode. 

I’ve managed to eat something today which was nice but my body is cramping hard. And to possible stave of a possible comment, I’m biologically male. Like I said I’m not in the best head space, or living for that matter. If this gets better, only time will tell. 

[leointhemoon-blog]

my past with dieting

wow, i think this post might end up being long.

to begin with, i was a fat kid from the very start. i don’t think i was obese but i was, i guess, overweight. now that i look back at it, it might have been the baby fat that added to the illusion. or maybe not, since i was fatter than everyone else in my grade. 

before i even started school, i was just known to my family as that toddler that loved to eat. as with every story about eating disorders (disclaimer: i never really had an eating disorder but i guess... i almost did if that’s possible.), a likely factor would be the bullies. so in my story, my first bullies would’ve been my relatives. 

it’s funny because the word and notion of “family” are supposed to resemble people who support you and care about you. i’m not saying my family doesn’t, but i guess they just have the worst ways of showing it... maybe it’s part of being asian? 

anyway, i would remember when my parents dropped me off at my uncle’s place. he’s the second oldest brother of my mom. the uncle would every so often pick at me and say “oh who’s the chubby baby? it’s you” or some cringey baby talk that people do to toddlers-- except it’s usually “who’s a good girl” not “who’s the chubby kid”. lol. there was my cousin, his daughter, who is like at least a decade older than me who didn’t hide her dislike towards me and constantly ask “why do you eat so much?” i often didn’t answer because tbh, as a really young child, i wasn’t much of a person that reacted.

they weren’t wrong ofc. i actually did eat a hella lot. damn, i was a fat kid, deadasssss. even my mom joined on in the pinching of my belly and teasing. i think my first time being self-conscious about it was when i kept sucking in my belly as much as possible when my mom tried to force me into some uncomfortable ass jeans.

when i was a student at my third elementary school (my family moved multiple times), that’s when the bullying started. there’s a ton to say on that matter, maybe i’ll make a separate post, so i’ll just talk about the moments that really matter here. in general, the girls would often refer to me as the fat kid and sometimes would even throw in a comment or two. damn, why are kids so mean sometimes? even now, as a near young adult, i still see kids bullying each other and i can’t help but sigh in disappointment how it’s innate nature of humans to bully others. it’s kind of ridiculous. if you’re going to dislike someone, don’t show it enough to make them feel utterly terrible about themselves. if it gives you power to do so, you’re rotten trash. literally, you’re the real ugly one here.

i remember once when i was sitting a couple of rows behind the rest of the girls in my class in the auditorium of my elementary school, i was watching them talk. and they talked loud so i heard everything. they were just saying stuff like “i do this to my hair to make it look prettier” and “omg your hair is so long it’s so pretty”. i guess they caught me staring so one just smiled and said “(my name) can never be pretty enough with that short hair” to which another said “she’s kind of fat anyway”. ok, first of all-- i loved my damn ass dora the explorer hair cut ok? i was excited to go to the barbershop as a child to request the dora haircut specialty, bitch, i rocked it. i was sorta hurt by both the short hair and fat comments but like again, i didnt say anything i just looked away. 

after that, the next time my dad brought me to the hairdresser, i was rebellious as heck. i didnt want short hair. i wanted to keep it long. but you know, there’s only so much 6 year old me can do, so i got my hair cut anyway.

fast forward to fifth grade. after years of constant teasing about my shape and weight, i think i had my awakening after i finished some good ass sandwich at barnes and nobles. i told my mom i was going to use the bathroom and so i did. after washing my hands, i looked into the mirror. ahh, the mirror that makes all the self-conscious people shudder. but i think i had never felt extremely self-conscious and distraught until then. 

nobody was in the bathroom at that time, so i was brave enough to continue staring. i took in the sight of my flabby arms (which honestly wasn’t that flabby but it wasn’t thin) and most of all, my round belly. i was horrified as i turned to the side and gaped at how my stomach protruded out of my abdomen. it was like i have never noticed before. then as if a dam has been broken. all those comments and pinching at my body flooded my mind, screaming at me that yes, you are fat. you just realized? again, remind you, i literally wasn’t obese. i was overweight. two totally different things. if i want to make myself feel better, i guess i was borderline overweight only but idk, i was still fat. 

i went home that night looking up on the internet “how to be cute” and “how to be pretty” like the naive kid i was and i gave up reading on tips on how to stand or how to dress. i decided i was going to diet. 

when i refused to eat more when my mother offered another helping at dinner, i told her i was going to diet. immediately, she yelled angrily and was probably shocked, like who gave my daughter that idea what-- i was and still am a stubborn person so i persisted... i’m not going to go too deep into this because it was often just her trying to feed me and me trying to eat less and less. 

i remember when we were at this shopping mall we frequently visited and i was in the dressing room trying to fit on new bras. when my mom helped me buckle up my bra after i finished trying on things, she said, “(my name), you got skinnier. i don’t even need to clasp your bra at the outermost row.” there were three sections for adjustment. i had managed to go from the outermost one to the innermost one. her voice held disappointment, but my heart had felt so light. i was elated.

this continued on into sixth and seventh grade. that’s right, it continued on deep into middle school. except it gotten worse. not only was i cutting down on portions of meals at home, i even did so at school. i skipped lunch, opting to avoid the lunch lines. i managed to skip breakfast when one day i got the idea of lying to my mom. “dont give me breakfast at home. i can just eat the school breakfast” to which she believed and sent me off to school without realizing i really wasn’t going to eat anything. i spent classes with awkward stomach growling. at that time, i didn’t know people could hear your stomach make noises when it’s hungry so i was fine with it lol. i slimmed down by a whole lot. 

just to mention, if you’re going to lose weight, make exercise a thing. don’t strictly diet like me. i should’ve probably exercised but nah, i just depended on eating less or not eating at all. like any other rant, i’ll mention this: the rough start of my depression started at the beginning of eighth grade.

i was sick of “friendships”. sick of being used. sick of being second or third or anything else not first. sick of being manipulated. sick of being easily thrown away. most of all, i was just so sick of myself. i felt like i could never be able to have a friend. a friend i could depend on. i cut off all ties, if they barely even existed. i went into complete isolation. eighth grade was the grade i spoke not a single word to anyone. unless ofc i had to answer some question in class or do some group discussion. but even then, i honestly went so quiet. more quiet than i ever was before.

when i did speak a word outside in the hallway once, my classmate thought he was funny and said “wow, (my name) can talk?” and laughed like it was just that damn funny. idk bro, you got nothing better to laugh about? it’s nice that i matter so much to you, you had to make a comment, let alone say my name because clearly my attention wasn’t even on you in the first place. 

anyway, hell yeah, i was hella emo. and when i’m emotionally depressed af, my appetite is ruined. starting that year, i fell into constant times of not feeling like eating. by then i was already thin enough i guess. i admit, i wasn’t skin and bones. but i wasn’t overweight anymore. my skin grew paler. it became harder for me to stand up without feeling lightheaded. i began catching colds more often than i ever had before. none of that deterred me from dieting though, despite by the start of my depression, i was already midway through not strictly dieting anymore.

depression continued that for me though. it hurt to eat sometimes. when i feel like crying, when my throat feels rough, my heart feels heavy, why add to the pain by forcing myself to swallow food? i’m not bulimic, i never was. i just avoided food. i would constantly protest “mom, i’m not dieting, i really just am not hungry.” did i ever mention that throughout my years and still up to this day, my mom would constantly throw shade at me for choosing to diet in the past? it hurts every time she does. in fact, i started writing this long ass post just because she did it again today. 

i think she also started to notice my increase in depressing mood so sometimes she won’t say much if i refuse to eat. it was like my body hurt when i saw food and my mind drove me somewhere else to avoid the food placed in front of me. food repulsed me. my stomach turned at seeing it. near the end of eighth grade, i gotten into my first serious relationship with some girl 2-3 years older than me online. it lasted for about a year. honestly, it was a very rocky one. i constantly felt depressed. she was depressed too. she made me feel more depressed than i’d be if she wasn’t there, if i had to be honest. 

the week following after our breakup, i was utterly broken. 14 year old me had no idea what i was supposed to do. it was halfway through my freshman year at high school. i didn’t have much friends. i only had one. even then, they weren’t there to support me. the other one...who’s now my best friend...i had lost her contact number. it wasn’t until four months later til i finally got in touch with her again so she wasn’t there to help me through my post break up either.

if me skipping meals often because of emotions was bad, this week was the worst. i legitimately didn’t eat more than 3-4 small bites of food a day. even now, i’m surprised how i managed to survive that week on so little food and how my mom didn’t even say much. she did notice and ask “why arent you feeling hungry these days? something wrong?” to which i’d brush off. i cried a lot. a hella lot. most of the times, it was heaving like i was trying to throw up my heart. i mean, i still have my crying sessions as i’m still...hella...depressed and yeah it feels like that. it be like that sometimes. and then the moments besides “most of the times” was me sniffling on the school bus because i just couldn’t stop thinking about it.

i could’ve killed myself. i nearly could’ve. midyear exams were coming. the stress from both school and my personal life was overwhelming. my body was destroyed. but somehow, i manage to overcome myself and get myself back into focusing on the exams. damn, i was hella scholar. now i’m not though lol. but then, i was focused since i was only a freshman that had just gotten into a prestigious school. the exams had managed to make me forget about what happened temporarily.

now, i still constantly look down on my body and wonder if i’m too fat. i still fat check. i squish my thighs, stare at them, hold them, then stare again. i look at my belly, i pinch it, i stare, i hold it tight wishing i can make the fat disappear. i’m not fat per se. people now call me skinny af, call me a pile of bones (i’m not, they’re exaggerating but i wish i was tbh). i hold my arms, squishing them to see if they’re too thick or not. i still look in the mirror observing the width of my body. i still try to calculate how much i’ve eaten on a daily basis. thinking about what i ate today and how much i’ve eaten. 

perhaps, i’m not actively starving myself anymore, but those actions of paranoia and self-consciousness never left me...my stomach is probably ruined. will that stop me? probably not. i’ll be honest.

[freelytinystudentblog-blog]

Beginning

So I guess for starters Im gonna say i am probably going to remain anonymous for a while. Also this stuff might get deep and personal so ill change all names. Since freelytinystudentblog is ridiculously long im just going to go but Eve because why not. Im not trying to look for attention posting all this stuff but i need an outlet and what better way to do it than anonymously on a website where it probably wont get read. So if you do happen to stumble onto this page then welcome. Hopefully you wont get bored. I guess its time for me to start with the beging which would be about 3ish years ago when I was a wee little lass and believed that because i was 13 i was basically the shit(which i obvously wasnt). I had moved a total of 3 times which doesnt seem too bad but it was always when i got really attached to people we moved and i never spoke to them again. This time was no different. We moved from one small town to another. Being one of the only mixed kids there besides my brother was surprisingly positive and annoying. Why youre probaly not asking? Well because my hair was everyones interest. A big ball of poof i always threw into a pony tail because honestly there wasnt much else to do with it. Everyone wanted to play with it or see how much stuff i could hide in it. It was fun at first but quickly got annoying. While there was that downside to the town it also had some positives. For example it was there that i realized that i was bisexual. To be honest i never thought about liking girls until my boyfriend at the time and his friend were talking about how they were both Bi and i said it to fit in a little. I didnt actually believe it until i realized the way girls made me felt. How i always caught myself looking at their chests and their butts, and how i fell for my friend Taylor. She was my first offical girl crush. Anyway this is getting a little off topic though it was important. Like i said there were many positives like the cool friends i got to meet, I got into blood in the dance floor and had a little emo phase and met a guy i thought id be with forever. That all sounds good but with all positives comes negatives. I began to get super depressed and even cut a few times. I felt trapped in my relationship with Damien. Whenever we fought hed threaten to kill himself or say stuff like “without you id kill myself” which is a shitty thing to say to someone in my opinion. I started doing things id never do like sneaking my boyfriend over and all that. But the biggest neutral that happened was me losing my virginity. No big deal it seems but i was freshly turned 14 and he was 16. We werent safe there was no protection. I know losing your virginity is supposed to be meaningful but i dont remember it. I wasnt drunk or anything so i dont know why i dont remember it. Anyway a couple weeks later i snuck out and walked around town and ended up having sex again in the graveyeard(insert judgement here) I knew something was wrong soon after. I felt sick so i told him i thought i was pregnant. He paled and asked if i was would i abort it. I instantly said no because i dont believe in abortions. After that night things got weird. Me my mom and my brother went to Tennessee. Driving up the mountains i felt sick to my stomach which i brushed off as carsickness. We get back from our vacation and i started craving the weirdest shit like frozen hot pockets, whole packages of cheese ect. I caught myself randomly thinking about having a baby and got scared. I ended up having my older family friend get me a pregnancy test and surprise surprise i was el prego. I cried for about 5 minuets before shutting down. I didnt know how to feel i was only 14. I called and  told Damien that night and he was as shocked as i was. Later on he told me he started crying after we hung up. So a few days later i went home and told mom. She wasnt as mad as i thought she would be. She refused to let me give the baby up for adoption because it was my mistake and i had to live with it. I dont think i couldve done it anyway. No one really understands how attached you get to the little baby inside you. I believe the same day i told the rest of my family. My grandma didnt talk to me for a couple of months. I had an aunt who told me i needed to give it up for adoption because i was gonna ruin the babys life.I had another aunt not let me see my cousin Bri for atleast 6 months which hurt so much. Me and bri are like sisters we’ve been almost inseperable ever since we were little which is funny since shes younger than me. Damien was determined to stay in the babys life and not leave no matter what. Me being pregnant at such a young age wasnt easy. I lost most of my friends and began homeschooling which was terrible. The nine months of me being pregnant was basically filled with me fighting with my boyfriend getting insanely jealous, cheating, and more sex. We shouldve left each other months ago. Looking back i shouldve left sooner. It was a toxic relationship for both of us. 9 months later my baby boy was born. Mister Phoenix. My angel. It was kind of ridiculous damien and i fought even in the hospital. We brought phoenix home and i was hoping the relationshup would get better. It didnt. I caught him sexting his ex and swore to break it off with him. I didnt. I swore to myself i wasnt going to let my baby grow up without a father. In july 2015 we moved 45 minuets away. Damien came on the weekends because my mom picked him up and took him home. That laster all summer until school started and he couldnt anymore. It seemed like us being apart made us fight even more. By november he broke up with me. Now i was 15 and a single mother. I was devasted. I had no one to turn to since i didnt have any friends in my new town. I was alone and began eating my depression away. Every month on the 11th i would sit down and cry. I wasnt in a good state. By 2016 i swore to myself id move on from Damien and become an amazing mother but it was so hard He kept popping in every 3 months or so flirting with me making me fall for him over and over again only to get crushed over and over again. It was a hellish cycle but honestly im glad i went though it. Why you ask? Well simply because every time he left itd give me more reason to stop liking him and even hating him. Now he texts me and i just roll my eyes. Going through that definately helped me move on. He wasnt there for any of the birthdays and i honestly am glad. I understand its my kids father but i grew up with a dad who lived in the same city and still couldnt come see me. I dont want my baby going through that. Once hes older i plan on explaining everything and giving him a choice of whether he wants to get in contact with his father or not. Itll be completely up to him. Now before you start judging me to hard think about this. I became a single parent at 15. The father never visted his son or even asked. Hell this january was the first time he saw phoenix in Two years. Two thats ridiculous. After the very awkward encounter he hasnt bothered asking to see him since. Its hard for people who dont have kids to understand this i know but i know what im doing is for the best. This sunday is going to be his 3rd birthday and his father came up with stupid excuses as usual. Now i know i left out some stuff but some of it is hard to put into words plus if i added anymore itd be unbelievably long. So this was the begining and current i guess. 14 and pregnant. 15 and a single parent. currently almost 18 and still doing it bymyself just a little better. Thats all for now. Ill probably make another one soon about relationships while being a single parent so yeah. Peace.

[tumblunni]

Today’s pointless headcanon/oc for Yo-kai Watch! I dunno if there’s an actual word for taking a vaguely described backstory character and turning them into their own thing? Kinda an oc, kinda not... Anyway, some spoilers for Dr Maddiman’s new sidequests in Yo-kai Watch 3 which I just heard about today and CRIED A LOT OVER!

Okay now it has been officially confirmed that new YW3 Yo-kai Dr Kagemura is officially Dr Maddiman’s son who grew up! Imagine the world’s largest tears falling down my goddamn face right now. I really like that there was so much subtle evidence of it before this dlc update sidequest thing came out, it was a good way to build hype! Like Kagemura Hospital is apparantly what the Nocturne Hospital was called in japanese, and one of the preset nicknames when you catch Dr Kagemura could be read as ‘His Son’. Thanks infinately to kaialone for all those amazing translation posts, I’m so happy to know that all their work paid off with that headcanon coming true! Also, does this mean he’ll be called Dr Nocturne in the dub? Or I wonder if they might change it up a bit. Cos in japanese Maddiman’s name calls him a hospital director instead of JUST a doctor, maybe kagemura’s dub name might make it clearer that he’s lower ranking? I dunno if its a very important detail though, beyond making it easier to guess that theyre related. But the dub will probably include all these postgame bonus sidequest downloads as part of the main package, so it doesnt really matter as much.

ANYWAY THE HEADCANONS

Like.. I just want this whole awkward family to have a happy ending. Headcanon of what if Maddiman’s ex-wife also became a yo-kai!

I can hope for this!! or, at least, I can hope that if we ever hear more about kagemura’s backstory specifically then we can know if his mum ended up living a happy life in those 50 years before the game starts. But seeing how young kagemura seems to have been when he died, that’s got me worrying if his story ended up just as tragically as his father’s did. My old headcanons about this were that maybe maddiman’s son was very sickly as a child, and thats what started the whole ‘i will take over the world with yo-kai in order to protect my family’ obsession. And then the idea was that kagemura’s resentment of his father caused him to become obsessed with becoming a better doctor, putting everything into studying for medical school and dying in his late teens from overwork combined with his weak constitution. TRAGIC HEADCANONS! The Perfect Spice For Tragic Canon!

Aaaaaanyway, mystery unnamed wife lady headcanons! I was thinking if she became a yo-kai she might be like Nurse Taykeabreake, Laxy Daisy, maybe even Shirkly Temple? Or, tbh, it would make more sense if she had a different job to her husband. Easy Rider -> Easie Writer? I know that Cutta-Nah already exists as a Yo-Kai that makes people lazy, and there’s plenty for sleep, but I’m sure we could figure out a similar yet distinct thing to go with. maybe she’s specifically about procrastinating your homework? I’m thinking she’d look like a stereotypical strict teacher, or maybe a newspaper journalist or something. And her personality would kinda be that way, she’s all neat freak and easy to anger, and takes everything super seriously even though her ‘lessons’ are on how to completely fail at being productive. Eight hour essay on not writing essays! Oh, lol maybe she accidentally causes people to become MORE productive, cos she’s so bad at her job? XD

But yeah, the idea would be that her yo-kai form was manifested from her desire for her husband to come home from work every now and again. Just like his workaholic nature was exaggerated into mad science, her trying to get him to loosen up and take care of himself turned her into the personification of no rules ever. in a very strict and ruley way! Imagine if she ended up getting a gaggle of friends along the way too, but for her she just ended up in a group of baddinyan and co. Acts as the mom figure to all the gangsters! (”man look at how dirty all your jackets are!” *gets halfway to the washing machine before falling asleep*) Or maybe this could be an excuse for why her son appeared as a yo-kai before her? Like ‘i was gonna come back from the dead but I procrastinated’. So she only appears after her son and ex-husband reconcile and visit her grave together.

And the personality I’m thinking of for her is kinda just like the stereotypical ‘nagging housewife’ cartoon character, but portrayed sympathetically. Cos its not like she didnt have reason to get angry at him, this is the man she loves and she barely even sees him anymore, and he’s potentially gonna get himself killed in some extreme experiment and she doesnt even know that his motive for starting this all was just to protect his family in his own mad way. If anything, what little we know of her is that she’s abnormally patient with him. She put up with it for a long time, it seems, and deciding to divorce him and move back home must have been equally as painful for her. At least, I think it would be even more tragic if it was that way, yknow? Nobody is really a villain of the story, but it still ended up horribly because of just lack of communication and bad timing. I think her and maddiman always used to bicker and stuff, but it was more like a comical clashing of two larger than life personalities. Maybe they met in medical school and started off as just best friends, she was always all ‘darn it, stop with your endearing social awkwardness!’ and he was all ‘you need to relax, yo!’ and she was all ‘NO U NEED TO RELAX. AND ALSO STOP WEARING THE SAME LABCOAT TWO WEEKS IN A ROW’ *lovehearts in the air, somehow* Sassy couple. best couple. It all looked so promising at first! If anything, the problems came from when they stopped arguing, and just started being silent and stewing in their problems. Until it boiled down to a guy spending all day in work to avoid talking about his marital issues, just to come home and find that his wife had left a divorce note, unable to face him either. :(

And probably... honestly even if they both came back as ghosts, i doubt they would get back together. I think they would be incredibly happy to see each other, and they would be able to talk about what happened and apologise, but still they’ve changed so much that getting remarried wouldnt really be on the table. They’d totally be amicable exes and best friends, but its hard to start a relationship again when you know your breakup literally caused everyone in the family to die horribly and become earthbound spirits of misfortune. That’s a bit of an epic divorce... OH MAN I JUST GOT THE FEELS AGAIN Like... Maddiman’s diary talks about how he doesnt even take care of himself cos he’s so obsessed with work, and how his wife would complain as she tried to wash his clothes after he forgot to change them for weeks. So imagine like “oh god what would you do without me” and the answer is LITERALLY DIE! We don’t know HOW he died, but the japanese version seems to imply that he literally died halfway through writing this diary and just kept going. Like... after his wife left he just locked himself in his lab and kept working until he worked himself to death, and then got back up and kept working for fifty years afterwards... Can you imagine his wife and son’s perspective?? You still love this guy, it was really painful to leave but you thought it was necessary to give your kid a good life. Maybe you hoped that it’d be a wake up call and your ex is better off without you. You think about him every now and then and wonder if he’s doing okay, you wonder maybe about visitation rights for his son when he gets older. Then the first and only thing you hear about him in years is that he’s collapsed on the job and been hospitalized in critical condition. Maybe she had her own turn at being the one who walks through the door to find the worst possible goodbye? Desperately packing up all your things and flying back to japan to try and see your ex-husband in a coma, but when you walk into the hospital you find he’s just passed away. And then her and the child had to live the rest of their lives never knowing that he was just a few streets away as a yo-kai still haunting the same office. DEPRESSING HEADCANONS! FUN FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY!

seriously i just have to happy headcanons after this plz yo-kai hugs for all of this sadly doomed household ghosty ex-wife: Sit up straight and take your slacking off lessons! *agressively buries maddiman in blankets* *drags him away from his work with giant buff demon arms*

[floregonzalez]

My deepest apologies

it has certainly been a long while since the last time I typed something in this website. It feels weird.

I'm really sorry but, I'm not coming back to tumblr, this will be my last post here, and I really need it to be for something important.

You have seen my many suicide attempts, my depressive and anxious behaviours, and you have also seen me doing things that werent the best to do. The things I drew/reblogged in my old enciowhy porn blog were things I saw other people draw, and liked, but didnt think too much about how it is seen by the majority of people (AKA, the bestiality porn, fin///nxjak////e, also the pe////wey fanart I drew in my old main floredoodler) I dont remember what else I did.. it was a lot of time ago.. on 2015 . I shouldnt have been so childish when replying to what people told me i was doing wrong, I should have been more responsible and I should have aknowledged what I did.. I didnt do these thought because I didnt know how, and i might have made excuses once, twice or more times. I realize I tried to run away from problems by remaking my blog. I did that twice i think.

I'd like to tell you that I have changed. Back in the day I didnt really have clear what is bad and what is good. Now I know. I will not draw certain things, because they're not ok..

(I just noticed I might be sounding repetitive but its mostly because I still dont know how to fully express myself in words, but I do know how to express myself better than before.)

I'd really love to say sorry for doing the things I did. I apologize for making you cry whenever I posted suicide notes, and I want to apologize for drawing hurtful content.

I wish I could have a way to let you all see how sorry I am.. this is my only way to do it.

Also, for the ones who support me, I want to apologize for leaving tumblr. I dont feel comfortable being here. I will always be in a negative place in some people's minds.. I will always be lesbophobic/transphobic/racist/pedophile for at least 1 person, and I cant change that.. I understand that if Someone becomes known, there will inevitably be people who hates them. I just am not used to hate (I grew up with it but Im not over it, and I dont consider myself strong enough to be around people who hates me)

Thank you for reading! I hope you understand that I never meant to harm anybody, ever. Its ok if you dont want to believe me tho, its up to you. I did what I had to do (accept my mistakes and learn from them)

If I excluded something you can point it out by commenting it and Ill to explain it and apologize too.

[lafurnia]

a spew of words.

im writing this now, posting it somewhere in the abyss. I know that talking about how you feel to an open book is better than talking to just one person. Things like that are hung onto by those that love you. To start, im a queer female. I’ve been out as a lesbian for years now, since i was 13. Now i am 17 i do regret that decision to come out. I am not entirely gay, i do know i will only date women, i dont feel emotional connections with men in the romantic sense. I can admire boys and kiss them sometimes, but thats as far as i can go without feeling icky. Some would argue that that still means i’m gay, and then in your eyes, so be it. I dont want to define things like that about myself anymorw. I’ve found that that label caused a lot of negarive things in my life. After i came out, i found myself following trend after trend in order to try and find myself, first, i cut my hair to the same length it is now but i also bleached it a yellow - blonde. I tried making it silver but that never worked. I had these fake glasses on - funny now because i actually need them and refuse to wear them. From that year phase i grew my hair longer, dyed it brown and then cut a fringe. I did that for three years. I looked like a boy, and that really was something i had an issue with. Its like the opposite of gender fluidity. i felt so uncomfortable with how i looked, i ended up becoming so depressed and tired with it that i pretended i thought that i looked okay. I overate and got fat and therefore even more depressed. I had gender dysphoria, but in the sense that i felt i didnt look female at all, i feared people looked at me and thought i was a boy. I lived with that for a long time. Now i am 17, ive started growing out my fringe, and after years of feeling ugly, i made a new friend. a year younger than me and she is so cool, id love for her and i to talk as a bit more than friends if im honest, we might even see a movie together. but im not allowing myself to see her yet. yes i may have my hair down but i still dont look good. im large, very large. too large for me. i want a specific look and ive just spent hundreds on clothes in the size i want to be to force myself to diet. i know i can get rid of it all in two months. it will be hard. or i can lose it slowly and it’ll take too long. I long to look beautiful and feminine. I feel awful for it because i am making irrational choices, but i am entirely aware of why and how they are irrational. i also know i need to be more kind. This has been a bit of a spew of words, but it’s something i need to get out. I seem to have a lot of weird internal issues. I’m sorry if youve read this and its upset you or its triggered you. i really am. i hope you find peace in your own self discovery.

[rhantsandrhambles]

i just deleted a whole bunch of crap that really didn’t suit the theme i was going for when i started this tumblr. its a new year so i’m going to start again and really implement the whole “the mood youre in now will most likely not be the mood youre in later or tomorrow, so breathe eat and nap before you dramatise your life online/to anyone else you embarrassing imbecile” vibe this year, and try to avoid writing anything too depressive here as a start. not that i think i’ll ever share this with anybody, but even for my own sanity upon re reading. life is not that fucking bad. and if it was, i have a supportive family and the means and access to change it. ranting and rambling instead of going out and creating a life really isn’t going to benefit me. 

in saying that, i hope that if i talk about it and think about and re read it, maybe typing a quick list of things i want this year might help in some bizarre way. i sooooooo badly want employment and savings. i really would love to start studying something. and FINISH IT. i want to go more places and say yes to way more things and prioritise enjoyment and adventure over sleep and a shit job. i want to focus on and create more positive. i want to meditate more and visit the gym more. thats about it.

last year was so fucking terrible but at the same time it was really good. the passing of my aunty and everything i felt in regards to that really wrote the year off completely. finding love and a new family i truly appreciate and adore, and two humans who (most of the time) make me feel like the luckiest girl in the world was something i sure didnt expect but am generally appreciative of. as much as matt and i fought and i dealt with shit from him i really shouldn’t have, we both grew and bettered from it most of the time. ive truly never looked at someone and felt so much love and hope for the future, its scary as fuck because i know how easily things can change from what you plan, or how quickly relationships can take a turn, but this one genuinely feels so different from anything ive experienced. i reflect on our tiffs and as much as i wish they didnt happen, theyre a representation of emotion and passion, and i hope its the same for him. ive never fought with anyone like that because ive never been bothered by the actions of anyone, ive never cared about anyone more than myself until now. he still gives me butterflies when he walks in the room and i could kiss his beautiful face all day if he let me.

ive also never wanted to have sex the way i want to with him. its wonderful every time and even when its not the best its still fucking good. i did learn in 2018 how to get myself off which i am thankful for, particularly since i think my sex drive has heightened a little since i stopped taking the pill, which is also (so far) another 2018 good decision (knock allllll the fucking wood i really dont want a baby). 

in saying that, ive suddenly got to end this here, stay tuned for my attempt at more light hearted and positive posts, and a better year in general.

[dannybangs]

hey so this is a vent post so dont read it if like you dont care l m a o

so my first gf and i are ancient history at this point but like we still keep coming into contact randomly over the years but im just having this realization

luna only comes back to talk to me when it suits her, and never really considered my feelings as a friend, let alone as an unresolved ex

she broke up with me originally in an abusive way, when my parents were on holiday and i was home alone. she was meant to come sleep over and keep me company because honestly, it was fucking lonely. instead, she went to a party to drink and have fun (without telling me), and after sending a few messages on facebook, she blocked me.

i called her number crying, but instead of her answering, it was a friend. i told them how down in the dumps i was, with no friends in my town because i went to a semi private school the next town over. while they were as supportive as they could be, they told me luna didnt want to talk to me anymore and wouldnt come to the phone, even though i could hear her laughing and having fun in the background.

i was not in a stable place at this point. i was 16, my first love was breaking up with me (and not even in the shittiest way via text, but in the absolute cowards way via blocking and ignoring me)

long story short, we broke up. messily. all i knew was that she found new friends and moved on.

years later, anonymous starts asking about past relationships, and when i start talking about luna, they latch onto that and start asking more questions.

turns out its luna, and at the time im honestly ecstatic. like, my favourite person in the world is finally talking to me again. but when i look back , luna only got back in contact with me because she had recently moved away from home, her parents were divorced, and she didnt have many, if any, friends.

eventually though, after talking for a bit on tumblr, she disappears without a word again. deletes her tumblr and i cant contact her anymore

late 2016 hits, and i get a friend request from her on facebook. she wants to play overwatch, so i add her, we play that night and get on pretty well. after that though, she’s pretty vacant. eventually, when she stops responding to invites on battle net over the next 4 months or so, i take her off battle net and set her profile on facebook to low notifications, but still friends.

mid 2017, and we get back in contact over a facebook post of hers saying she doesnt feel like she belongs in social spaces and talks about how lonely she is. we talk, i say i might be moving to her town, she seems excited and it seems like she wouldnt mind catching up.

and then no contact.

again.

keep in mind that over all these years, im honestly still kind of in love with this girl. i never really got any closure on why she broke up with me, the reasons shes given me over the years changes a lot. she wanted to experiment, she wasnt interested in me anymore, she thought i was moving when i wasnt, and eventually saying that she didnt want to burden me with her depression.

if we go by this last reason, its honestly kinda shit. i never got a choice in the matter. she made up my mind up for me, and broke my heart for me. 

lets fast forward to our last conversation. three nights ago, 6am and i havent slept for like 2 days. i straight up ask her ‘look, would you ever consider dating me in the future’

i wait a day and i get no reply. so the next night, i tell her not to worry about it and i wont bother her again.

she instantly replies, saying that shes been thinking about it, and that its a question that cant be answered until i move closer and we ‘actually hang out and get to know each other’ again

i ask her again, this time defining it as a general possibility in our future.

first message makes my heart soar. ‘i dont see why not tbh’

second message crushes me. ‘other than im a huge lesbian and i dont know what you ID (identify) as these days’

its her soft way of saying ‘i think because you present as male and prefer male pronouns, i cant let my lesbian aesthetic that ive built up to my new friends and girlfriend crumble by considering dating you’

luna always said she was pan / bi before she was transitioning (shes a trans girl and im a trans guy) but while she was questioning her gender, until she had a bad wrap with several gay guys. and i get how peoples preferences change over the years, i really do.

but it really hurts to see this girl who you grew and changed with (we both started questioning our sexuality and gender together) turn into a gold star lesbian (in my definition, this is a girl who ONLY dates women and doesnt consider he/him lesbians and similar situations)

it crushes me because ive never gotten over this girl for 4 years now, and i thought that eventually we might meet again and get to know each other again and maybe be together. but obviously thats not the case

what made me start thinking about how i was an idiot for chasing and entertaining this thought of ‘the girl who got away’ was today, when i get my letter from the district health board telling me my endocrinology appointment is in 3 weeks. and i realized how excited i am to start T and properly transition.

like, reading that letter made me realize that i was holding onto my past, as a girl, with this stranger who doesnt know me or love me anymore. why would i ever consider not transitioning just so i can be with this person.

im young as hell, in a relationship with a girl that loves me to pieces, who is just as excited as i am that im about to start transitioning and becoming the person i want to be

im excited for the future, and i cant wait to move to a new town with my girlfriend, start T, start the degree i always wanted, and forget about the past that i was hopelessly clinging to

honestly, writing this was really cathartic. i cried a lot writing this, because this is still a new pain im dealing with. but i feel a lot better now. thanks for reading guys