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huh maybe im experiencing some self confidence issues
#i think i can brute orce the fuck out of this#cbt all up in my cranium#anyway. im smart and im perfectly decent at msot stuff#im charming and hot#i totally believe all of that#yeah do that thing when you dont do the negative self language#fuck that guilt that is trying to be the ground below your feet and closing your troat#i fail at shit so what#im still good at stuff#uhh im having a violent reaction to this#so its definelty necessary#okay okay lets go slow. i have nice tits. my hair is fluffy. my eyes are pretty#onto the harder stuff#i am nice and i have people that love me#i can draw well. it looks good when i draw. it looks good. i am not wasting my life#i try my best. i can survive in the modern world. i am not reliant on my mother#i am not fucking up my brother irreversably. im trying my best to help him grow up safe and loved#my family cares for me and doesnt actually think im a failure that is failing them specifically#because im not. im doing as good as i could be and it is good enough. im good enough.#oof i feel weird okay okay lets keep at i#dial it back thou. I cook well and i am organised#that sounds like shit with my adhd but i try and i have so many systems in place and#when you put strain on the systems you see that i have systems and they are ridicukous but they hold#where my peers dont. none of them have even a semi ordered calendar#i can and will get a decent job this month and it will be fine with everything else at home#i will move out and its alright to want to move out#im not being some sort of ungratefull child that is leaving my family in a hard situation if i do#and if my mother deckdes to cut all contact because i want to mvoe out then she will be in the wrong not me#im trying so hard to be there when ny brother needs me and im not that good at it but#im still trying and thats good enough even if im not perfect at it
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Yeah cool yeah sick everything is great
#yea im so fucking unhappy#also i miss so much about my old self#like how i was fucking into things#also uhmmm really feel like being alone is my best bet#literally forever#dont feel like being upset cause my bf didnt text me for five hours after saying hes gonna text me#and then when i dont text back he fucking tells me he was worried#just cause you said something nice doesnt mean i suddenly have to respond#or maybe dont complain if i ask you to give me your attention and time#also uhm why dont you want to gonroller skating it is so fun#so you dont look ridicukous#i WANT TO FEEL RIDICULOUS#i want to feel real at all#i want to back up from my current situation and recognize what it is thats making me unhappy#i want to feel important to you hut im jot#i want to feel like you love me so much youd do anything for me#i would do anything for you dont you know that#i want to belueve you love me when you say it#but i dont at all not one bit#i know you are unhappy with a lot of things in your life i know you are unhappy with your parents#but me fucking too bro cant we try to be happy together lol?#is it too much to ask for your attention#or for you to care about my feelings#or for you to not et upset if i have plans with anyone except you#i want you to be my hest ftiend#but i had a best friend as a boyfriend already and i guess it wont ever be even similar to that#i want to laugh with you but you want o talk about politics and what youre three sentence poem sounds like and you tell me you never read#you tell me you never read them but you read them to me outloud all the time#i want your fucking LOVE you stupd stupid boy#i shouldnt be hurting so much its been leas than six months
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Lads were in a big mood tonight
#man i just wanna look forward to showering again#i feel gross and downward spiraly cuz im not showering as much as i used to#because i sont. have. soap#like#im a fucking burden. okay? my prefwred soaps are damn expensive and you cant really use just a lil bit of them#especially conditioner#but im out of my shampoo conditioner bosy wash face wash face moisterizer#i usually would put lotion on all ovwr aftwr a shower bur i CANT because im OUT#my razor sucks and im almlst out of shavinf stuff#i just. i feel cheap. i feel cheap and gross and like im letting myself go#even when things got really bad i would always keep up my hygiene cuz i just NEEDED that#now i cant afford it we dont have the money#like and i know its stupid but my face cant handle just oil as moisture anymore i need ro exfoliate i need a cream man#cuz then my foundation doesnt go one well....and i look CHEAP#plus my hair is. a mess. needs a cut and colour but that is also expensive because i think im fucking midos or smthn#i just. theres so many things falling apart around me. i want to feel like mhself again#i want to be clean and smell good#this is RIDICUKOUS UGH#why am i CRYING about this. why cant i just use cheap products like the rest of everyone???#and every penny i get should go towards the 4500$ i need for my trip. or grad stuff. or the 120$ i owe ppl. or#SO MANY other things that are MORE URGENT than THIS#i domt know what to do. ive resorted to playing hq in the hopes ill win one day and gwt to buy hairdye or lotion or smthn#and i feel like i cant ASK for the stuff id usually use cuz its expensive. even if like sm1 who had money was offering to buy me shit#if i asked for a big bottle of my shampoo n conditioner so i woulsnt need more for awhile#theyd be like really? yoi really expect me to pay that much? for you? please#its like im not worth anything. to anyone.#and i cant choose to spend MY money on that cuz I dont have any money#i cant get a job!!!! ill die!!!! ive got way too much on my plate already!!!!!!!!! thats for next year!!!#i hate this stupid world and i wish it would all jist go away#im so tired of it and everything in it GOD
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