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kiyo-cant-write · 29 days ago

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hey, this is my first time sending a req, but can you write azul learning that reader has a crush on jade? like they tell azul and whenever they’re asked why they like him, they say something like “he’s cute” or “he’s so babygirl” or something and they’re just totally smitten

sorry if reqs aren’t open! ty <3

reader with a crush on jade talking to azul ✧･ﾟ

Thank you for requesting! Yes, they are open (for anyone wondering!) Very happy to write some biases because I have a personal situation atm that is very stressful for me /gen pos

I love this request and I am excited to tackle it. I saw a few ways for this to go and ultimately went with the most comedic route!

So I am sorry if you wanted unrequited love, pining, and angst. Feel free to request again with more details if you think my take wasn't what you were looking for xD

Anyways, enjoy!! ^^

Summary: [Name] has one person on their mind and his name is Jade Leech. However, the person they choose to share these sentiments with is Azul Ashengrotto, owner and proprietor of the Mostro Lounge. And he is so happy to hear about it (/s)

TW/CW: None

Notes: gender-neutral reader, the reader is Yuu/Ramshackle Prefect, they/them pronouns for the reader, pre-relationship Jade/Reader but Jade isn't really present for most of it in narrative-

Guest Stars: Floyd Leech, Jade Leech (mentioned, brief)

✧･ﾟ: ✧･ﾟ: ✧･ﾟ: ✧･ﾟ: ✧･ﾟ: ✧･ﾟ: ✧･ﾟ: ✧･ﾟ:

Azul Ashnegrotto (& Jade Leech)

Azul is annoyed from the moment it comes up.

He thinks that this meeting will be about business and instead... It's about Jade. Jade? Not even the twins, literally JUST JADE.

He wants to sigh but withholds it for the first half to be polite.

[Name] is very passionate in their rant[?] about Jade.

They say many phrases that Azul does not understand.

He knows many things... slang just isn't one of those things.

He hardly understands why they are so captivated by Jade.

Jade isn't a bad person, outright, but to Azul, he's just... been there. The same could be said of Jade's twin brother, Floyd.

Azul wants this interaction to be over, it's awkward.

But [Name] did not answer, they just kept on yapping. /ref

This is getting tiring for the young merman. What even... is this?

As it continues, Azul finds himself starting to see their point.

This octomer maybe realizes that he is bisexual during this interaction. But he's not sure he wants to think about that yet.

He does not intend to help [Name] woo Jade unless they ask.

Floyd is also there. Being Floyd.

Azul was quite sure he didn't plan for this today. It wasn't on his schedule, he couldn't imagine why it would be. Who let them in? He sighed at the thought. He knew that this was an esteemed guest of the Mostro Lounge, he should be nice to them, they were a "friend" to him now, after all... And he valued them within reason...

Floyd had gone as far as to say that he and [Name] were the "best" friends of the group. Azul didn't really care. But he supposed the value must be true if the twins were interested. Jade seemed equally enthusiastic about this when it had been discussed.

Sigh. But this? This was pressing every button he had in the worst of ways and he was having trouble ignoring it. Every word grated on his last nerve and made him want to scream (and that would not be good for his image!).

"[Name]..." he began, only to be cut off by their (ongoing) speech.

"Azul! Don't you just love Jade?"

Azul paused. What? What did [Name] just ask me? Had he misheard them? He had to have misheard them. There was no way...

Composing himself, he answered.

"He is an associate of mine, yes—"

He was cut off by [Name] before he could finish the sentence.

"But isn't he dreamy?" they asked him.

Double what? Oh, this was happening. Joy.

"Well, you see—" Azul began, trying once more to explain before he was cut off again by the over-excited Prefect of Ramshackle.

"I just think he's so babygirl."

"You... what?" Azul said, turning to them with enough force to be cause for worry about the state of his neck.

"I said—" [Name] attempted to repeat before he cut them off.

"No, I heard you," Azul told them, "You consider Jade as a woman?"

This had to be some kind of land thing. Right? That, or he was once again spending too much time with books and not enough time with real people. It was just as his mother and grandmother had always said back home under the sea. He sighed at the very memory of it.

"No?" [Name] said, "Well, I mean, unless I should. Should I?"

Azul thought about it for a moment. Jade wasn't one to care about gender but he had never mentioned anything about womanhood. Noting that he answered their question with honesty.

"...He hasn't said anything to me about the matter."

"Oh, good. I wouldn't want to misgender Jade."

[Name] seemed relieved.

"You. I. You?" for a moment, Azul was at a loss for words, "Nevermind. [Name], what in the world has you so captivated with Jade today?"

They seemed to melt a little at the mention of Jade's name. They were clearly... invested in Jade. Surely this wasn't normal? Was it?

"He's just so—"

Azul sighed, cutting them off to explain he understood the concept.

"A young girl, I heard you the first time," the octomer said.

"He's just so perfect I can't even right now!!" [Name] gushed.

A second sigh escaped Azul, he wanted this moment to end. It was painfully awkward to hear about his... colleague like this. Not to mention inappropriate! They should just go tell Jade about this interest they had. Why him? What did he do to invite this?

"That makes two of us, though my frustration hardly lies with Jade."

"Hm?" [Name] asked, confused by the statement.

What did Azul mean by that, exactly?

"Nothing, nothing," Azul assured them through gritted teeth.

Like that, [Name] was back on their Jade high.

"Just... Jade."

"Indeed, er, I suppose," Azul said, relishing in the quiet that grew between them as [Name] observed Jade working from afar.

Jade and Floyd were waiting tables today. Floyd had complained that he was not in a "cooking mood" and decided that running orders around the lounge was much more "fun." That one gave Azul a headache, but that was normal.

Regardless, Azul only had one thought as [Name] watched Jade...

Silence! Sevens, finally.

But as he took a moment alone with the subject, his mind wandered down every path that [Name] had suggested about Jade, about the world. What would be different if Jade were a woman? Was Jade attractive? These were possibilities that Azul had never entertained.

It was enough to push toward a headache if he wasn't careful. Too much new information could be harmful to the mind, he knew this well. But it was something that his thoughts seemed to hook into, holding on tightly as if to say "Try to take this from me."

Azul's mind was a montage of every moment between himself and Jade (Floyd was also there but that was not important at the moment) since they had come to land. From Land Camp to Night Raven College... He had spent a lot of time with Jade.

Had something changed? For him? Jade? Anyone? Floyd?

...Maybe not Floyd. Unless? Hm, the twins in this light. Men in this light. Men? Men? Oh, dear. Well... it was something to think on. Something to not tell Mother, or Grandmother... or Stepfather...

"..."

He stood silently until [Name] poked his shoulder.

"Uhm... Azul? Are you okay?" they asked him, seeming a tad worried.

"Hm? I am fine, I suppose. You've given me something to..." the octomer trailed off for a moment, "Think on, I suppose."

"I did?" they asked, confused at the statement.

He didn't want to elaborate on this just yet. Too soon, far too soon.

"You did," he told them, "Just some... New information."

"Oh," [Name] said, "You're welcome, then?"

They laughed albeit a bit awkwardly as they spoke.

"SHRIMPY!!" a voice rang out from across the room.

Ah, they were noticed by a moray. The moray was sprinting toward them, closing in. Closer, closer... Target acquired. Squeeze. It was much gentler than when Azul instructed Floyd with clients.

"Hi, Floyd!" [Name] greeted him.

"Heyy," Floyd offered, "What are you doing with Azul, huh? Is he keeping you to himself?~"

[Name] tilted their head to the side at the question. What did Floyd mean by that? They liked Jade. They thought Floyd knew that but they shrugged it off as a Floyd-ism.

"We were just chatting," they told him.

"Maa, sounds boring! Wanna come play with me?"

Azul was almost thankful that there was a distraction from his obvious inner confusion. He had to hand it to Floyd's eccentricities, they came in handy sometimes (not often, but sometimes).

The eelmer picked up the human and slung them over his shoulder with ease. This was why people were scared of Floyd. He has monstrous physical strength.

"Eh?? Floyd, where are we going?" [Name] asked him, holding onto his shoulder to keep from accidentally falling onto the floor.

"We're playing 'Let's Bother Jade'!" Floyd told them, running toward his brother at the same speed he'd run towards [Name] earlier.

Azul turned to see Floyd (and [Name]) inches from colliding with Jade (who was holding 4 plates of food)...

Imagine the rest for yourself~

✧･ﾟ: ✧･ﾟ: ✧･ﾟ: ✧･ﾟ: ✧･ﾟ: ✧･ﾟ: ✧･ﾟ: ✧･ﾟ:

Thank you for reading! Likes and reblogs are appreciated! Do NOT repost my writing/headcanons as your own >:c Check the top of my blog for the inbox status and read the rules before requesting. This is not a twst-only blog! ^^

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betasquadx · 8 months ago

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Yes it's me. I KNOW I KNOW.

Nia may I ask for your finest Niko smut. We definitely don't sit on his face and he definitely doesn't choke us and call us a good girl (Make it happen I beg)

Now could I have used anon? Maybe, but no. I'm feeling rather courageous (I almost had 5 mental breakdowns)

Love u boo,

Tee

HELP THE END IS SO REAL.

Mental breakdowns either ruin us or give us the confidence we need [maybe]

Trust I’m only doing this cause one of my fav writers who is killing it atm who YOU should check out, Tee requested it ( also because I have thought abt a fic like this b4, don’t ask Ik u have too. )

Little disclaimer, Idk how to feel about this, I’m not the best at writing smut but this is good practice to get better at it so!! I HOPE its good 😭 but if not yk hey I tried luvs x feel free to give me tips in the comments 🫣

Change of plans - Niko Omilana

Summary : Settling down after a party you thought you and Niko were just gonna watch a movie and order some food, but he had.. other ideas.

Warnings : SMUTT

——

Twisting the key in the door, you stepped into the hotel room closely followed by Niko as you locked it just as quick.

The exhaustion from being out all day suddenly hit you like a tidal wave, overwhelming your senses.

“I think I’m gonna take a shower first, what about you?,” You asked.

He removed his suit jacket, draping it over the bed, emptying his pockets. “I'm not sure,” he sighed, visibly tired. “I don't mind taking one after you.”

He smiled gently, approaching you, his hands resting on your waist.

You laughed softly, encircling your arms around his neck while he looked down at you. “That's settled then,” you murmured,

smiling up at him as he leaned in, pressing a tender kiss to your cheek.

With a blush tinting your face, you giggled softly as you stepped back. “Okay I'm gonna get a shower now,”

“Alright,” he responded, scratching the back of his neck,

watching as you headed into the bathroom, closing the door behind you.

You undressed, ensuring the water was warm enough before stepping into the shower.

The chill of the night made you crave warmth, and the shower provided just that.

Showers always helped clear your mind, especially after a long day.

It would’ve been about a half an hour when you stepped out of the shower. Longer than usual but you weren’t in any rush.

Wrapping a towel around yourself, you dried off before changing into your pajamas right there in the bathroom.

Holding a towel to your hair, you gently dried it, humming to yourself quietly.

You entered the bedroom with it still wrapped around your hair, before leaving it on the table,

approaching the bed where he sat, engrossed in his phone until he glanced up at you.

“The shower's free,” you murmured wearily, offering a tired smile as you settled beside him. However, it was the way he eyed you up and down that left you confused, sending shivers down your spine,

and not because it was chilly. “Niko?” you asked, puzzled by his behavior. “Is something wrong?”

With a grin, he set his phone down beside you, his eyes locking onto yours. “No, nothing's wrong, just a bit chilly isn't it?”

he responded, nonchalantly brushing off the moment. You chuckled, nodding in agreement. “Yeah, it's freezing, almost had to use boiling hot water,” you joked.

“Hmm..” he added, pursing his lips thoughtfully. “C’mere”, he motioned, leaving you slightly puzzled. “I'm right beside you,” you furrowed your brows grinning, observing his smile growing. “I know, just..c’mere,” he stated,

his tone more so demanding now than asking.

“Okay..,” you whispered, chuckling softly and complying with his request.

You settled onto his lap, noticing his smile shifting into a smirk as he sat up, making space for you.

His eyes roamed you up and down as he gently reached out his hand, tracing your cheek, earning a little smile from you. “What is it?”

you inquired, noticing a subtle change in his demeanor as he chuckled,

“Nothing..you're just so pretty,” he replied softly, causing you to laugh as he continued to stroke your cheek tenderly. “Hmm? Is that all?” you added, curious about his intentions.

“No,” he replied, leaning in to kiss you, his hands now wrapping around your waist. Smiling into the kiss, you chuckled softly, reciprocating the kiss as your legs instinctively wrapped around his waist.

Grinning at your response, his hand slowly shifted from your waist to your thigh, causing you to momentarily break the kiss and gasp softly in surprise.

He smirked playfully, his touch teasing as his hand ventured into your shorts,

skimming dangerously close to where you yearned for it.

A whimper escaped your lips at his boldness, causing you to shift slightly on his lap, unable to contain your reaction.

He savored the details of your expression, delighting in the pleasure evident on your face,

craving to witness it further. His hand lingered above your core, teasingly granting your unspoken desires. “Oh..” you groaned, hearing his chuckle as he sat up carefully,

his lips trailed towards your ear, softly nibbling on it. “Hmm.. someones eager,” his voice laced with mischief as he slowly added a finger,

hearing you mewl slightly, your eyes squeezing shut in response. “Niko..” you moaned, unable to contain the noises that left your mouth.

Adding a second finger as gradually as the first, he skillfully worked them inside of you, eliciting a deeper moan from you.

Soon, a third and fourth finger joined in, moving with expertise to increase your pleasure.

He proceeded with deliberate slowness and precision, as if looking for something, which he knew he had found when you released a long, drawn-out moan in response to a particular curl of his fingers.

“Please..” you pleaded, your voice dripping with desire, to which he surprisingly complied. His fingers worked overtime, increasing their pace, going faster and faster within you.

Each movement seemed to hit that specific spot, intensifying your need for him with every stroke.

However it was just when you were on the brink of release when he unexpectedly withdrew his fingers, leaving you a moaning mess, quickly letting out soft pleas, begging him to let you even finish.

You opened your eyes upon hearing his chuckle, locking eyes with him as tension surged between you.

“Sit on my face.” The whispered request sent a shiver down your spine, making you moan again just from the sheer dirtiness of his words, delivered in that seductive tone.

Responding immediately to his demand, you sat up, stripping your clothes off eagerly as he assisted in removing your shirt.

His mouth latched onto your breast without hesitation, swirling his tongue around your nipple, causing a loud gasp to escape your lips.

Your hand found its way to his hair, pulling on it slightly as he lifted you on his face,

wasting no time in diving between your folds, his tongue teased your clit with delicate precision. The sensations overwhelmed you, making you feel light-headed as you clung to the headboard for support.

“Oh my god...,” your legs trembling slightly as he glanced up at your face, a chuckle escaping his lips. The sensation diving straight to your core, intensifying the pleasure through your body.

You cried out his name repeatedly, the sound echoing in the room, and as you opened your eyes and gazed down at him,

it came to no surprise when you found him already looking back up at you, the intense eye contact only served to heighten your arousal, causing you to whine even more.

“Can I please, ah...” you began to plead, feeling yourself getting closer to the edge,

cutting off as your legs shook even more, biting your lip in frustration,

but once again, he denied your request, stopping immediately as he sensed you were about to release, leaving you on the brink of ecstasy yet again.

Frustration filled your cries as you called out his name once more. “No, please, Nik..” His hand reached out, cupping your cheeks, forcing you to look down at him.

“I'll let you this time, baby, I promise,” he whispered reassuringly, his grip firm yet gentle as he held onto your waist and with a swift motion, switching your positions, leaving you laying down on the bed against the headboard.

He stepped off the bed, unbuckling his belt and removing his trousers, then unbuttoning his blouse and loosening his tie,

but your gaze couldn’t help but shift down to his crotch, almost moaning at the sight of it.

He opened the drawer, swiftly grabbing a condom before crawling back onto the bed. Helping you sit up, he lined himself up with you, easing in slowly. Both of you groaning in unison as he entered you,

a cry of his name escaping your lips as he hushed you softly, kissing your neck.

“Hmm, your beautiful,” he whispered softly, his movements deliberate as he slid in and out of you, watching as your face contorted in pleasure, just as it had before, enjoying every second of it.

“Niko,” you whispered, wrapping your arms and legs around him, urging him closer as he lifted you slightly, allowing for deeper penetration.

“Faster, please,” you pleaded, feeling his smirk against your neck as he readjusted himself.

And without hesitation, he complied with your request, picking up the pace as he let out a satisfied sigh.

Ripping a profound moan from you, his hand now found its way to your neck, applying gentle pressure.

The combination of his thrusts and the sensation of his hand on your neck made it hard for you to form coherent words.

He maintained a fast and hard pace, driving you towards the brink of ecstasy as the pressure from his hand on your neck intensified.

Your mouth hung open in a silent scream of pleasure, cries of his name and moans escaping your lips uncontrollably as you felt yourself teetering on the edge, seeing stars with each thrust.

But the cherry on top of the intense pleasure was the constant stream of praises and teasing words he whispered in your ear, each one making you more and more aroused as he continued to pound into you relentlessly.

“That's it... you're doing so well.”

“You feel so good.”

“You're so perfect..”

He noticed your response to them, smirking knowingly as he adjusted his hips to hit that particular spot, eliciting a gasp from you as you clung onto him tighter.

“Niko..” you breathed, the sound of your voice uttering his name filling him with pride.

With a confident smile, he slowly increased the pressure on your neck, sending waves of pleasure coursing through your body as your legs trembled under his touch.

“That's it, you're nearly there,” he whispered encouragingly, observing the increase in your breathing as your gasps transformed into soft, rapid breaths.

Sensing your impending release, you arched your back to meet his thrusts, struggling to speak through the overwhelming pleasure as spit occupied your mouth. “Nik, please..”,

you managed to let out, your voice barely a whisper. Chuckling softly, he teased,

“Please what? Use your words.” His playful remark only adding to the anticipation.

“Please, I need to..oh my..” you gasped out, your words trailing off as he smiled, hushing you softly with a gentle kiss to your lips.

His motions on your neck was causing you to feel lightheaded as he lightly adjusted it, the pressure growing slightly overwhelming, eliciting a soft gasp from you.

“Good girl,”

he murmured against your ear, the praise sending a shiver of pleasure straight to your core.

With one final, deliberate angle of his hips, you felt yourself giving in. “I'm gonna...” you gasped, moaning his name as you reached your peak,

releasing as he continued to pound into you. He groaned in response, feeling you tense around him, his thrusts gradually becoming less frequent.

Kissing you one last time, he came inside you, whimpering softly as you felt him fill you up.

For a moment, you both just lay there, and as he moved to pull out, you sighed softly, casting a gaze at him as he settled beside you.

His glance met yours, observing your half-lidded eyes gazing up at him and the gentle rise and fall of your chest, small sighs escaping your half-open mouth.

Snuggling closer to each other, you rested your head on his chest, feeling him stroke your hair soothingly as he peppered your forehead and cheeks with soft kisses, praising you for how well you did.

“I’m gonna run you another shower, kay?” he whispered, pressing a tender kiss to your lips.

“Kay kay,” you whispered back, smiling up at him, half asleep. He chuckled softly before getting out of bed and disappearing into the bathroom,

leaving you to drift off for another twenty ish minutes while he made sure to take care of you.

Perhaps you could have a movie night another time, as tonight had.. escalated quickly, but it was a night neither of you would soon forget.

——

Help this is by far the SMUTTIEST thing I have ever written ever.

Don’t know how much I like it to be honest, I feel like I need to cleanse myself after it 😭

(be honest as well I need feedback 😓)

Again my smut writing skills aren’t great so sorry if there is repetitive language I genuinely js didn’t know how to word stuff, hope you enjoyed it tho 😇

#beta squad #niko omilana #niko omilana smut #niko omilana x reader

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felassan · 5 months ago

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Random question. I read that 'Pelledia' was originally considered as a name for Thedas before it was finalised. Is there any mention of why they considered it, like is it supposed to mean anything? I'm writing some fanfiction and considering using it as a call back but I am assuming they just thought it sounded nice? Any help is appreciated :) Also apologies if you aren't accepting Asks atm, I'm new to tumblr so admittedly I don't know the etiquette!

hello! ◕‿◕ welcome to tumblr and no worries at all, we have a toggle where we can set 'let people ask questions' to on/off and mine as u can see is currently on ^^ [here] is a post which contains a summary of some interesting factoids and insights pertaining to the development of Dragon Age from the book Bioware: Stories and Secrets from 25 Years of Game Development, it briefly mentions the Pelledia factoid. the full mention of this factoid from the book itself (in case the context/quote helps) reads:

"The name for the Dragon Age setting came about another way. “Thedas” was shorthand for “the Dragon Age setting” on the forums and internally, and the design team fully intended to name the continent something else in the final release. James [Ohlen] initially floated the name “Pelledia”. But the team figured there was no rush. “Thedas” would work well enough temporarily. Enter David Gaider’s first rule of naming: if a temp name has been around long enough and is not actively terrible or offensive, after six months, people won’t be able to think of it by any other name. That’s what happened with Thedas. The team had a big meeting to try and come up with a better name for the continent. But in the end, nothing sounded right except Thedas."

And yes!! there is a bit more info on this!! David Gaider did some dev commentary over a playthrough of Dragon Age on a Twitch stream a few years ago and in that commentary was a lot of different bits of insights and information. I think the original videos aren't available to watch anymore unfortunately, but at that time I took notes on them all and what was said (the following quote isn't a direct quote/word-to-word transcript, but it is notes on what was said):

"One of the original names for the setting, Peldia, was pronounced Pel-DEE-ah. This name came from a homebrewed world James Ohlen had made. He was keen to call it this, but David Gaider wasn’t keen on it and so in every document after that first one, he just referred to the setting as “TDAS” (The Dragon Age Setting) instead. When they spoke about the lore on the BioWare forums after the game was announced, they would often refer to it as “The Dragon Age Setting”. Someone on there abbreviated this to “Thedas” and the devs started using it. About three quarters of the way in they were like “Can we please just give this realm a name”, and at this point James was gone. They had a list of other names but nobody really liked any of them, and they’d been calling it Thedas for so long. Eventually, Sheryl Chee suggested “Can we just call it Thedas?” and it stuck."

as you can see in this I mis-spelled "Pelledia", and that "Pelledia" was the name of a homebrewed world that James had created himself at some point. :) that quote is from [this post here], and [here] is the link to the first post in that series, which itself contains the links to all of them.

(you might also be interested in this article and the maps and early worldbuilding of Thedas info that it contains. for example, who were/or were going to be the "Shaelan" race and the "Olvenene" race?? what was the apparent forest city of "FaeFran" etc?? :D there's also "far-away Noathen", some place where the first iteration of the DA themepark ride's story blurb mentions. hh, just in case that's of interest or you need more names to make callbacks with or something)

I hope this helps and best of luck with ur fanfic. ʕ •ᴥ•ʔ

#dragon age #bioware #mjs mailbag #video games #neonacally #long post #longpost #this is the Deepest Lore™.. i cud only find the answer to this in one of my own posts.. which is probably my fault tho for spelling #it wrong LOL

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whiskersz · 9 months ago

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For the fluff alphabet, C and W for Adam? Thanks !

Thanks for requesting! ^o^

So, C - Comfort...how would Adam comfort his s/o during a panic attack/when they're down?

I feel like Adam isn't totally clueless on these things, as he does deal with his army of Exorcists every other day which I'm assuming includes some sort of comforting, sometimes. At least for the new entries.

He is awkward however – a pat on the back and all is solved. Except it's not. Especially if you're having a panic attack, it's gonna take mooore than that. He might touch you without asking and without meaning to scare you, or ask you questions that you can't really answer atm, but he'll get there eventually...and understand that he just needs to sit with you for the time being.

He'd say something like "Don't scare me like that again!" afterwards which you can't really promise, and when you tell him that he'll be like. "Alright- hold on-" & magically make a pen and paper appear to write down what he needs to do in case it happens again! He's trying for you c:

W - Wild Card – an headcanon of my choice! Yay!

I think Adam is a big cuddler. He has some unresolved abandonment issues so he seeks closeness with his s/o. He will literally trap you with his arms and prevent you from going anywhere!

Related to that, it makes him feel special when you do the same thing to him. Tell him you want to be close and hold his arm when he's getting up from your shared bed in the morning, to stop him from leaving. He's going to melt !!!!

I absolutely love soft Adam I think everyone has a soft side and his only gets shown with his s/o ^_^

#hazbin hotel x reader #hazbin x reader #x reader #hazbin hotel #adam #adam hazbin #adam hazbin hotel #adam x reader

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yeeterthek33per · 1 year ago

Text

It hurts (but I've got you)(Katrina Gorry x reader)

A/n I'm gonna warn everyone right now. This one is gonna get dark. It's a fresh loss, and I'm feeling ridiculously angsty. Warnings include mental illness, unaliving mentions, past abuse, self degradation, and panic attack warnings. and some seriously dark thoughts. A lot of mentions of trauma coping. Seriously, do not read if you guys can't cope with it or if it triggers you.

Also, this isn't the only Gorry fic I'm writing atm 😅

----------

It felt like you knew the moment your fiancee had been subbed off that this game was it.

3-1 down with just 3 minutes left of regulation time. Even with stoppage, nothing felt like enough. None of you were processing Tony's yells from the sideline, none of you could feel the rush you needed to.

And they just kept coming at you. The exhaustion was setting in and nobody could keep up with them anymore.

Sam couldn't get the touches she needed to.

Mackenzie wasn't communicating well with the girls at the back, and they weren't aggressing like they needed to

You felt helpless in the chaos, despite being in the midfield. Your passes weren't connecting, and every touch you had felt like it was a turnover to England.

It felt like Chidi wasn't being given enough time to work her magic. The English defence was reduced to several layers of blue. None of the strikers up front had the energy to challenge that.

Steph was completely out of it, Caitlin was trying, but she didn't have the strength.

In the end, none of your attempts were enough, and it was weighing on you like a pile of bricks. You felt sick. To the point where your sobs nearly turned to dry heaving.

You'd collapsed to the turf the moment the whistle blew. Hiding your head in your knees, you avoided any possible camera angles of your face, not wanting to be seen losing it like you were.

You could barely budge when you felt a hand on your back.

Everything was just overwhelming... not processing, but still somehow all setting in at once.

You felt several pats on the back over the course of a couple of minutes. You assumed the England players. Proven when you heard your old teammate Alessia, rubbing your back and mumbling to you how proud she was of you, especially watching you play throughout the cup.

You could barely acknowledge the blonde though.

Everything was screaming in your ears, all the pressure, the deafening silence of the crowd aside from the few England fans that did show up, the players off the side of the pitch yelling and celebrating.

The first person to force you out of your shell, though, was Katrina. She's knelt in front of you and tugs at your arms, pulling them from around your head and urges you into her embrace. You meet her eyes enough to see the tears, and that just sends you further. You feel like you failed her.

It didn't feel like enough. Nothing you did during that game was enough. Her voice is shaky but it's soothing enough to get you to slow your tears, but it's just piling up behind walls in your head at this point. It's being boxed up and padlocked.

Your first reflex is to apologise. And you do.

"I'm so sorry, it wasn't enough, I wasn't trying hard enough, I failed you."

Katrina feels her own heart crack a little further, hearing those words come from you. You'd played your heart out this entire world cup.

You were exhausted. You all were. But you couldn't see that you were doing all you could. It hurt more than anything to know you were blaming yourself for this. Though she fully expected it. You were still learning to process losses like this. She was hoping you'd made enough progress in case a loss like this happened.

It was something you'd both been working on. It's one of your childhood traumas. Losses were ingrained into you like life failures. You'd been taught from a young age that failure was never an option. That it resulted in beatings.

That it meant you should die.

That was something that you'd ingrained into yourself as a coping mechanism while you were still with your foster family.

Katrina knew of the abuse, but she didn't know much about the state of your mental health. It was something you'd only recently opened up with. Little by little, but not a lot.

It bounced around your head like a mantra.

You failed, it's over.

You failed.

You're gently brought back out of your head, Katrina's hands on either side of your face, her thumb caressing your cheek, her forehead leant against yours.

"Look at me, baby, breathe, just listen to me, okay? You're in your head too much. Just listen to me and try to breathe with me. C'mon baby, you can do it. Come back to me."

You try to match her breathing. You hadn't even realised the panic attack had hit you.

Your chest was heaving, and you managed to slow it down a little.

"That's it, my sweet girl. You've got it."

You try to take in her words.

Just breathe.

You're a failure.

You're okay.

You've got this.

You fucking useless-.

Just breathe Y/n.

Breathe.

It's okay.

You're safe.

"That's it, you're safe here, Baby. You did so well."

Her lips press a kiss to your forehead.

"That's it, baby girl. You did it. I'm so proud of you."

Her hands shift to your neck to rub at it gently. Her nails scratch at the skin lightly, and you let it distract you. Your breathing is finally relaxed enough to let her pull you to your feet.

You almost can't bring yourself to look around. But you pick up your head and take a deep breath as Katrina keeps you looking at her.

"That's it, Y/n, that's it."

You close your eyes and take a final deep breath, and then meet her eyes again. You feel guilty for dropping this on her right now. Now is not the time for her to need to comfort you.

So you stone wall it back and fake a little relaxation in her arms.

"I'm good, I'm good, I'm okay. I-...I'm"

Sorry. I'm sorry.

You didn't say it out loud, but her face immediately shifts, and it seems you don't have to. It's almost like she can read your mind.

"Hey, no, uh uh. None of that, you don't need to apologise to me. You're my girl, and you're allowed to be vulnerable around me. I'm always gonna be here for you. Don't ever apologise for not being able to handle things on your own."

You let out a shaky breath, tilting your head back, blinking back any tears.

You've got this.

You nod, whiping away tears.

She rubs your shoulder softly. And you finally manage to look around at your teammates. A few of them are still just... sitting... contemplating the game.

Sam in particular. She looks like she's holding it in just about as much as you are, although more than likely a little better. The disappointment is still fresh in her eyes, though, and you can't quite face your best friend just yet. So you move to hug the others.

Katrina follows behind you a little. Not directly, but enough to keep a close eye on you as you console the girls. Charli and Kyra stick by her as well. The two of them had been the first to go to her after the whistle blew.

Though they do come find you after a few minutes. You were marrying their practically adoptive mother, after all. That and you were family to them as well.

Charli is the first to reach you. You let her hold you for a few minutes, and you rub at her back as well.

"Thanks, Cha Cha, I'm sorry you didn't get the chance to play today like we'd hoped."

She shakes her head.

"Doesn't matter. You all played the best you could today. I'm so proud of each and every one of you."

Your eyes well up a little bit, but you suck it back in.

"I know."

She ruffles your hair a little bit, managing a small goofy smile, and it gives you enough to let out a watery laugh.

"Atta girl."

It gets a little easier to breathe after that. And you find it easier to approach Kyra too.

"Hey, kiddo."

"I'm sorry it had to end like this."

"Not your fault, Ky. You played the best you could today."

You're quick to envelope her, too, pulling her into your chest, resting your head on hers. She's a little shaky but she's coping.

You both start to walk the pitch after that. Beginning to applaud the crowd for their support throughout the tournament.

It still stings. You know it will for a while. But each step is an easier breath. For now at least.

But at that, with each step comes a new echo in your head that you have to push down. It helps having your family there with you. Your real family.

You don't even register the huddle or the locker room talk.

When you get on the bus, Katrina is quick to shove her way into the seat beside you. Not that she has to, really. There's this unspoken rule about the team. Katrina is always next to you after a loss. They know it's for good reason, but they never pry or ask why.

By the time you're back to the team hotel. Its late and everybody returns to their own rooms.

You try convincing Katrina that you'll be fine, that you're just tired, but she's adamant about staying in your room. She reads you like an open book. Truthfully, you definitely aren't fine, and being on your own is not something she's wants for you right now. Harper is with Linda, Katrina's mother, thankfully, so she doesn't have to see this.

You go to join her in saying goodnight to her daughter, but she tells you to stay put for now. You can see her tomorrow.

You almost whine saying you missed the two year old, but you know not to push it, and you know you aren't in the right headspace to be around her right now.

You get ready for bed, and it only takes ten minutes for your girl to return again.

"She's doing fine, a little confused why Cha Cha didn't wanna play Aeroplane tonight, but she went down without much fuss."

You smiled a little at that, Harps was such an easygoing kid. It was hard not to fall in love with such a sweet little thing. Being in love with her mother certainly didn't help prevent that either.

"I'm glad she's doing okay then."

Katrina swaps out her (your) hoodie for one of your sleep shirts and strips down to just underwear.

"I think we'd both be a little better if her mama was too, though." It's not even subtle. You know she's not trying to be. She never is. She's gentle about it, though.

"What do you mean? I'm perfectly fine." It's said in a joking tone, but the unimpressed brow you get makes you feel a little guilty for that one.

"You want to talk about what happened?"

"Want to or want to?"

"You have to want to talk about it before we get anywhere. I won't force it out of you, I know it's still so fresh, but you need to want to before we can talk, sweetheart."

You sigh a little, resting against the wall behind the bed. You think about it for a minute. Before ultimately deciding to just hold on to it for a bit longer.

"Not just yet."

She nods in understanding.

"I'm here when you're ready baby."

"Maybe in the morning, it's just a little more tender than I'd like."

You still feel bad, though. Katrina played the same game you did. Lost the same game you did. Yet you couldn't handle it the same way.

You slip under the covers, and she joins you, slipping under, on her side and behind, spooning you. Her arm tucks itself over your waist, pulling you back into her shorter self. In that moment, you let her warmth lull you to sleep, thoughts of regret and guilt still plaguing your mind.

-------

It's weird. You've never seen Sam mad like this before. She's always been a relatively calm captain. Even after losses this big. You'd never seen her raise her voice at another teammate. Sure, sometimes people do stupid shit, and she has to pull them aside to speak with them, or lightly scold them, and that usually works, but...

Here you were.

She'd asked you to come to the meeting room downstairs first thing this morning. She's been yelling at you for the past five minutes. With each sentence, you just shrink, smaller and smaller, and it's like you're back on the pitch again.

"How could you let this happen?! Why did it take eight of you to let them through?! After all that hard work? How hard is it to keep them out?!"

"I-"

"How hard is it?! You're a defensive midfielder. You should know you have to keep them out, and you failed me!"

"Sam I-."

"You fucking let me down, I am absolutely fucking disgusted with you y/l. Why did you think it was okay?!"

"Sam, I'm sorry I-"

"'Sorry' isn't a fucking excuse, you knew you couldn't let us lose and you fucking let me down. You let them all down, you fucking failed us."

You're sobbing at this point, barely able to get a word in. You're curled up in the corner of the room, and Sam is standing over you. You can barely register the feel of artificial turf beneath you as the blaring lights of the stadium nearly blind you.

She's still yelling, but it's like she's muffled now.

Off to the side even.

You look up around you. She's still yelling, but you can't hear her over the crunching of grass beneath a pair of leather loafers. It screams in your ears, almost painfully. You know those sounds all too well.

Your foster father walks towards you slowly, with purpose. His belt bent and tucked back into his hand again.

"What did I tell you would happen, Jessica?"

It makes you tremble, and your body is rooted to the spot. You feel like you can't move. He always tried to force the name on you. Your foster mother just let it happen.

You open your mouth to protest, but all that comes out are more sobs and half met pleas. He's standing right over you now. His arm raises the belt in the air. And right before he brings it down. You see the angry and disappointed faces of everyone. Sam still yelling.

Steph, Caitlin, Charli, Kyra, Ellie. Katrina stands on her own, shaking her head at you. She turns away right as the belt comes down.

-----

Your eyes blink open. You feel the stickiness of dried tears on your face, fresh ones replacing them quickly.

You have to take a quick few breaths to gather your surroundings again.

It's okay. You're in your room. He's not here to hurt you.

Katrina's arm is looser around your waist now. You're tucked into her front but on your back now, and she's dead asleep on the pillow beside yours.

It's okay.

You're safe.

How could you let this happen?

Fucking dumbass.

Worthless piece of-.

That's all it takes for you to carefully slip out from under the covers. Careful not to jostle your sleeping fiancee. You couldn't get the look of disappointment on her face out of your head.

She'd looked completely done with you. She couldn't even look at you. She was so disappointed.

Tears were still flowing from your eyes. Your breathing was starting to become more rapid as you slipped out of the room's door, a small click behind you as you shut it.

You couldn’t stay here.

That was all you could think about. There was no way security would let out at this hour without questions, so you have to find a back door.

You sneak into what looks like an old busted fire escape hall. There's an old alarm attached to it, but it's not even enabled, you having prepared to bolt if it had gone off if you were wrong about it. You'd heard one of the staff talking about it needing replacing soon and that they'd disable it until it could be fixed.

Your socked feet are quiet, but slip on the tile floors as you walk out the back door. Looks like the alarm isn't enabled from the inside. You duck out quickly and just run down the road. You keep running. It's dark out still. You didn't even check the time before running off.

But it doesn't matter.

The thoughts in your head are spinning. Everything's just crashing down on you. You're curled up in an alleyway, beside a dumpster.

Fucking useless piece of crap.

You couldn't keep them out?

You're worthless.

You-

It's all just echoing around, piling in your head. Your head is between your knees as you rock back and forth.

It-

It scares the shit out of you when a pair of hands carefully rests on your shoulders.

You let out a little scream, not expecting anyone to have followed you. It's Katrina. You're relieved for a second but quickly tense again.

Shit, you hadn't meant to wake her on the way out.

"Hey, it's okay, it's just me. Im sorry I scared you."

She's hesitant to speak at first, processing what she's going to say, you assume. So you speak first.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you up."

She shakes her head at that.

"Baby, that's not the problem. In fact, I'd rather you have woken me up... baby, what's going on? What's happening in that head of yours? Talk to me, why are we out here?"

"I-." Your voice is shaky, and you have to clear your throat. Your eyes drift to look anywhere but at her.

Her fingers on your chin bring your gaze back though.

"Look at me. What's going on?"

Your words are mumbled softly, like you're trying to force them out, but they just let out almost inaudibly. Thankfully, traffic outside had calmed down in the earlier hours of the morning. So she does hear you when you say it.

"It was just a bad dream, i needed some air."

Her face softens, but she's still sceptical. Thankfully, she doesn't have to prompt you further. Everything just feels so kept up. You let it out slowly, but the more you talk, the more tears that flow out to join the words whispered.

"It's just... God, I feel so stupid. It's not like everyone around me isn't dealing with the same shit."

She's silent as you try and process what to say.

"I- everything's just collapsing in on itself, it feels like... I know it's not the end for me, or for us as a team, but..." There's a little understanding dawning on her face. "Everything in my head has just been crumbling lately. Yesterday, just kind of, I don't know? Completed that? Compiled it? I don't know. It just built and built and built and everything's just being thrown back at me again."

"So that dream...?" She urges gently.

"Was just everything compiling in one go."

"Do you want talk about what happened in it?"

"I-not here, I won't make us have this conversation beside a dumpster."

Katrina laughs a little, letting her hand come up to hold your cheek. "Fuck baby, we could have this conversation on the edge of a cliff and I would still sit and listen. Whereever you wanna be my sweet girl."

You let yourself lean into the warmth of her hand, the cold now having started to seep into you as you're sitting down on the concrete.

You nod quickly. "Let's go. My ass is starting to freeze." She chuckles and pulls you to your feet gently.

Thankfully, Katrina had half the mind to leave the access door unlatched, and you sneak back into the hotel with little to no trouble.

Back in the darkness of the hotel room, you're leant back into her, sitting between her legs on the bed. Her hands run through your hair, gently scratching at your scalp as you replay the events of the nightmare.

"It was so daunting, and it just kept finding its way into my head, and just... god... I love Sam... and I know she would never, but... it just felt so real."

"And it just kept going. It just devolved into... well. My old foster dad... he just..."

Tears started to well up, and you couldn't finish it after that. The words wouldn't come out. At your hesitation, Katrina is quick hush you, pressing her lips to your temple.

"It's okay, baby, you don't have to say it. I'm so sorry you have to deal with that."

"S'not your fault, just my stupid brain."

" Your brain is just trying to help you process the loss, okay? You've suffered so much, and it's okay to be grieving and dealing with it how you need to deal with it."

You lean your head back against her shoulder, letting the tears fall. God, you didn't deserve this woman. She was an amazing mother, a brilliant football player, and an amazing soon to be wife, too. She doesn't wipe the tears away this time, and you let them go.

Instead, she holds you. She lets you cry into her.

She lets you cry into the super early hours of the morning before you finally manage to exhaust yourself into a heavy sleep, tucked between her arms and her whispering sweet nothings, soft praises, and promises of forever with you as you do.

"I know it hurts, baby girl, but we're all here for you, and I've got you, and I'm not gonna let go in a hurry or ever."

You may not be able to tell her everything yet, but she sure as hell would make sure she was there to listen when you do.

#katrina gorry x reader #woso x reader #woso imagine #woso imagines #woso

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averytirednerd · 10 months ago

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About Episodes 7 and 8...MASSIVE SPOILERS!!

Initial thoughts (because if I talk about EVERYTHING right now you'll be here for at least half an hour)...

WHAT THE HELL?!

I mean I loved getting to watch the season finale, don't get me wrong. But I have just as many grievances as things I loved about it and also SO MUCH happened?!?!?!

Charlie: Loved getting to see her be all demon-y, I've been waiting all season. Also loved her and the cannibals (especially Rosie!!!). So glad she got to work w/ Luci to protect the hotel <333 She and Vaggie are adorable too.

Vaggie: I really enjoyed watching her and Carmilla's song, that was cool. Protecting her girlfriend, very cute. I liked seeing her and Lute have that little face-off.

Husk: Sad that we didn't get to see much of him, but I get it. His interactions with the others were sweet (especially Angel). I loved the one line he got to sing on his own in that last song of episode 8. 😍

Angel: Ngl I am very glad he wasn't the one to die. It would've been a fun little "oh crap" moment but I really didn't want to be right. He's still got business down there. His interactions with the others here are everything to me, and he's just grown so much and aaaaaa. It's lovely to see! I love him more and more with every episode.

Niffty: YOU GO, GIRL!!!! Love to see the stabbing. I also really loved the...one line Nifty got. Kimiko Glenn's voice is a gift, I freaked out over getting to hear one line. Anyway. not much else to say other than I definitely thought it was Alastor doing a big "oh look, I'm alive!" thing when Adam got stabbed, but I was pleasantly surprised.

Cherri Bomb/Sir P: I was surprised, to say the least, when Cherri and Sir P had that little moment. Glad they got it before he went and DIED. Cherri is such a good friend to Angel and she's great. Now, onto Sir P...WOW, OKAY. Glad we know Charlie's plan isn't completely stupid. Wonder how Sera's gonna react to him being there now, lol.

The Vees: FIRST OFF, VOX?????? "This is better than sex!" 💀💀💀 Truly was not expecting to see as much of the Vees as we did. Not complaining though. It was...interesting...to say the least, watching Vox get as excited as he did over the prospect of Al dying (still as obsessed as ever, fr). Not at all surprised to see Val and Vox have a thing going, I figured from the interactions we've seen so far. Them dancing together was silly, them practically making out was less so 😃. Also, gotta continue the love for Velvette--putting up with these two idiots must take a lot. Also also, her HAIR! HER HAIR!! EEEEE

Lucifer: I reallllyyyyyy enjoyed seeing Luci make a return to help Charlie, even if it was in one of those "last-minute saves" that I usually hate. Idk, makes sense here I guess because he's probably always watching over Charlie some way. ALSO LUCI AND CHARLIE GOING ALL DEMON-Y TOGETHER WAS <33333333 I really loved him starting off that last song in episode 8, and telling Charlie that he believes in her. It was so sweet. I love Luci sm, hoping he becomes a more integral part of the crew in s2.

Adam/Lute/Lilith: HAHA HOW DOES IT FEEL TO LOSE??? Lute got what she deserved with the whole...arm thing. ALSO WHAT--JUST GONNA CASUALLY DROP LILITH IN HERE NOW? Sure, fine, whatever, totally cool. Not sure how to feel about Lilith atm so moving on. I dunno why I was so shocked upon seeing Adam's face. I guess I expected him to...not look as good as he does? Also so upset that he broke Al's staff. How rude. He sucks.

Rosie: Not how I expected her to sound, but I'm most certainly not disappointed. I don't have much to say other than I loved literally everything about her. No complaints--at least not yet ig, need to go back and rewatch the episodes critically. Her and Alastor is everything to me, and seeing them dance was <333333 I cannot express my excitement over it enough.

Alastor: Saved him for last because yes. If I wasn't limiting myself to a short paragraph for each, I'd be writing a whole essay just about Al, I swear....CANNOT believe what just happened omg. Not only did we get to see silly Al in episode 7, but we got to see scary (and scared) Al in episode 8. He's really freaking out, it's so entertaining! I'm so glad it wasn't him who died, I started getting a bit worried for a minute there....His relationship with Rosie is aaaaa, best of besties fr. Fighting Adam scene was glorious. Making Vox act like an idiot even when not trying was funny to watch (Vox's obsession with this guy is so silly). Him retreating sure was a move, but I'm glad he didn't get all stubborn and end up dying. Him ranting a bit in his section of the final song was so...AAAAAAA. Man is so scared, he looks stressed as can be. I need to see Alastor just have an external breakdown because he honestly feels like he's on the verge of one. 💀

Stopping for now before I go on a bigger rant than I already have. To those who read all this, I'm so sorry pfft. Feel free to leave a comment if there's something you wanna discuss (or, better yet, send one of those ask thingies. I do not have comments figured out yet...)

Anyway, have a good one <3

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institute-of-dolls · 3 months ago

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Hello!This one is pretty new to the doll community, and is pretty sure it's a doll, but still isn't fully sure what that means or what kind of doll it is. Would the institute happen to have any good condensed sources on things? It does know that in general being a doll is rather personal, so if there isn't, that's alright too.

Hi there! I have a few good starting posts to direct to:

There is this write up here, from us. It discusses dollhood from multiple angles but heavily from community. Additionally this post from Witchpassing gets at dollhood in as an aspect of their creation well. And this one from absentwriterdoll that resonated with us about the nature of dollhood. As for figuring out what kind of doll you are, I am not sure i have any resources for that off the top of my head. It is a lot of self discovery and reflection for most, though finding community with other dolls can help. On both topics I will, as usual invite my fellow handlers and witches, as well as any dolls following to weigh in on. I know especially on what a doll is, that i have seen some amazing writings from others in the community that I am just struggling to find atm. And for how to figure out what kind of doll you are, I'm sure someone (or something) will have advice around the community somewhere. I also think we are going to do a masterpost list soon, inspired by this and a few other asks. Attempt to make a nice condensed 101 answers list maybe

#dollposting #living dolls #staff speaks #the institute's research #the institute's director #doll making #the doll staff answers

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kirbo-kirbstar · 2 months ago

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my new silly idea

Okay so lately I've been learning that there exists such a thing as fairly oddparents angst fics. I guess that's not surprising for any cartoon fandom, and heck I've been checking some of it out and its pretty dang good! Though, I'm now considering trying something really funny:

If you write FOP fanfiction that's in any way dark (horror, angst, whump, you know the drill, just please keep it SFW for my sake tho), I want to try dubbing it lol. The characters often have such goofy voices that I want to recreate them saying the edgiest stuff. Now, I'm no professional voice actor, so I will probably suck so badly at this, but hey its meant to be fun.

So yeah if you're okay with me reading your dark fanfic in a goofy way and uploading that to YouTube, please comment them below. I will credit you. No guarantees that I will actually do this project as I'm already busy with a bunch of other stuff, but it might be something I can try in my downtime so I don't get bored lol. I may or may not invite friends/mutuals to join the video idk my ideas for this video aren't very concrete atm and again it might not even happen. Also, my YouTube channel isn't famous or active so please keep your expectations low for exposure opportunity qwq. This is just purely to be silly.

so yeah I can't wait to see what yall are making hasfdhk

#fairly oddparents #fop #fop a new wish #fopanw #fop fanfic #fairly oddparents a new wish #the fairly oddparents #dark fanfiction

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variousqueerthings · 3 months ago

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so the thing is, back when i first watched s3 of elementary i was not a fan of joan coming to this moment of "oh maybe i should break up with my stable, attractive, nice, charming boyfriend" only for him to immediately die, because it felt like a cop-out -- that she'd almost come to some kind of moment in figuring herself out, but now she'd be regressing into "oh well, i can't have romantic relationships because it's dangerous, not because i don't want them," there will forever be a tinge of something in her relationship with andrew now, even though she was literally in the process of breaking up with him because it wasn't doing anything for her. a certain rose tint over what was actually happening, which was that she wasn't into the idea of the relationship, or indeed, any romantic relationship

however this time around i'm more into it, because this time i'm suuuuch a fan of the continuous push and pull of introspection and refusal to introspect that exist in both sherlock and joan -- getting the emotional truth out of either of them is like pulling fucking teeth!

the fact that the "aftermath episode" of her bf getting murdered in which joan is steadfastly refusing to Feel Her Feelings is the same episode as the sherlock-and-marcus excursion, in which marcus bell is telling sherlock over and over "call me marcus" and sherlock's grimace makes it clear that too much vulnerability feels like getting stabbed, something he's only allowed five times it seems:

two are with people who are locked up (jamie and abigail, although the latter has some serious extenuating circumstances)

one is dead (alistair, and even then i feel like alistair never knew how much he meant to sherlock)

one is on the run from the law atm (kitty, although i know she works that out)

and joan

(and arguably mycroft, but that's slightly different, they're siblings, being a sibling is smthinsmthin)

and even with them -- with the exception of joan and previously jamie -- he is oh so very careful about how much of himself he shows

it's such a fascinating double-up episode exploring their attitudes towards relationships (the fact that jamie makes a form of appearance and it's via writing a letter to joan!!!!) (also ofc sherlock calls him marcus by the end)

and now back to joan, who is ostensibly much more "adjusted" to living a conventional life, after all she's prepped for conventional since she was a kid! except she really isn't, is she? she's canonically trying to fulfill some assumed goal of normalcy (stated to be expected of her by her mother/upbringing), and she's fighting against it every step of the way. she doesn't do close friendships really (she tried, and she sucked at it until she started meeting people more like sherlock, and then it's a little closer to the way he does "friendships" that is, we create a wide network of people, but we don't have to know that much about each other beyond what we need to support one another), and she certainly doesn't do romance (or, she tries for a bit, but fails over and over) and the entire time she's insistently going "sherlock you need support to figure yourself out, you need some help to stay sober, if you want to talk..."

her whole Thing is that she's very polite and charming, so of course she's not like her standoffish abrasive partner, sherlock, she's the "Nomal One" who's so well-adjusted, except when this life forces her to make decisions beyond her control

and now going "well, i'm dangerous to get close to, so i may as well not try anymore" is another wonderful way to avoid thinking about what she wants. she doesn't have any choices you see, it's simply the way things have to be (oh noooo). anyway this interaction suddenly happens halfway through the episode:

joan: you know i pulled away from you last year because uh… i felt myself sucked into this world that you built. i wanted something normal. something that was mine. sherlock: there's nothing wrong with that. you have a right to your own space, physically and mentally joan: im not sure that i do. i don't think i can keep our work and my private life separate. it just doesn't seem possible. but you already know that, i mean it's part of the reason you life the way that you do sherlock: yes but my choices dont have to be your choices watson joan: it might be better if they were. andrew would have been better off

see, andrew would have been better off, that's what the problem was, suuuuuuure. girl you were in the middle of dumping him when he was murdered, stop avoiding the real issue here! you shouldn't not-be-dating because of The Work, you should be not dating because you... don't want to. you've got to admit that you like the world you were getting sucked into. do it!

(once she's made the change to wearing suits, we know she's started to sort herself out, it's coming, she'll get there)

end of the episode:

joan: i feel... ok. i feel clear about something: our work, what we do... it's not just a job now, it's who i am. i'm a detective, i'm ready to embrace that. i live in this world - your world - and i probably will for the rest of my life sherlock: it isn't my world. it's our world joan: i understand that now. i accept it, i know what it means sherlock: and what does it mean? joan: it means that... it's ridiculous for me to think that... i can have a normal life. i'm not gonna do that anymore.

joan i want to study you like a bug!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(but also, youknow, if it's getting her there, then let her think it's the detective work enacting upon her life like an unstoppable force that she must stop fighting and accept the inevitability of. youknow. that's an aromantic way of looking at things too. can't do romance, oh so unfortunate, but The Work!!!!!!!!!)

#joan watson #sherlock holmes #elementary #elementasquee #cbs elementary #aro joan #jamie moriarty like: i know what you are

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