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wuvbug-kny · 5 years ago

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too late — kamado tanjirou

↬ tw!! suicidal thoughts

↬ tanjirou x fem!reader x inosuke

↬ genre: angst

“i-i really do like you..um, it wasnt easy to confess b-but..yeah..”

my body shook. my head ached. my anxiety was over the roof. what was i thinking, why would i confess to him?! oh god. im going insane. what was i thinking..

i felt tears in my eyes start to form as my body got hotter by the second. my fists were clenches togethee tightly, nails digging into my palms as my heart raced at an unsteady pace. i gulped. why wasnt he saying anything? why is he just standing there? oh no.. my eyes remained stuck onto the ground as the knot in my throat got tighter. the tears that had formed in my eyes began to fall to the ground, and out of embarassment i lowered my head even more hoping he wouldnt notice.

tanjirou, please dont break me more than i already am broken.

“(y/n)..”

“y-yes?”

“im sorry.

i cant reciprocate your feelings.”

｡ﾟ•┈୨♡୧┈•ﾟ｡

i felt numb. i felt like complete, utter trash.

i felt worthless. i feel worthless.

of course it turned out that way.

why did i get my hopes up? why was i so dumb? to think someone like him would love such a lonely, miserable girl like me.

my heart ached. ever since i felt like the hole in my chest had gotten the biggest its ever been. it hurt, the pain was incredibly painful, i felt like i seeped even more into darkness than the darkness i was emorsed in before.

god, why am i so miserable? what is this life you’ve given me? what is my purpose?

sometimes, no, at all times i just want to disappear.

the knock on my door startled me, causing me to jump up from my laying position on my bed, in result of getting up too fast i had landed on my floor painfully. i grunted in pain as more tears began to spilled out from my eyes.

im miserable..

quickly sitting up, i wiped the tears from my tomato reddened face before sucking everything up as best as i could.

“y-yes?” i replied to the knocking coming from my door.

the knocking got even louder.

confused, i called out again. “y-yes??”

i jumped, shrieking slightly as the door was kicked open. am i under attack? but this is the butterfly estate! scrambling to my bed like the coward i was, i quickly pulled out my blade, pointing it towards the now beaten down door.

“w-who is it??” i shivered.

“(y/n), you bird brain! training has started and everyone is still waiting on you!!”

in came inosuke, wearing his boar mask as usual.

i lowered my blade and sighed shakily, before putting it away. “i-inosuke..you scared me. you could of just answered to me instead of kicking my door open..” i said, getting up from the bed.

“whatever! you should be at training! you’re holding everyone up, you stupid hag!” he huffed, crossing his arms.

i forcefully made myself laugh, even though i was in now way amused by his words.

hes right.

im a burden to everybody.

i shouldnt be here.

i should just die.

im so worthless.

everyone would be better off without me.

without realizing, i felt the warmness of my tears flowing down my face. i felt my heart ache so badly, my body shaking.

unable to hold my stance, i fall to the floor. sobbing.

because im so pathetic.

taking my bruised up hands, i quickly try to wipe the tears away but they just keep coming, and coming. i cant stop. i cant stop. my bubble has bursted, i have no more energy, i have no energy to keep it all in anymore, i cant control myself.

as i was too busy drowning in my negative, self killing thoughts, i was interrupted when my hands were pulled away from my face.

a little taken aback, but still having tears flowing down my face, i looked up.

inosuke..

“what are you, a baby? stop it.” he grumbled as he wiped my tears away with his thumb. his thumb glided across my cheek, flicking my tears away as gently as ever. for a moment i felt my heart warm. this is the first time ive ever been carressed so gently. i loved the feeling, but at the same time surprised as to who i was recieving it from.

“dont cry anymore. i dont like it.” his hands gently carressed my face now as his emerald eyes looked into mine. i felt my heart skip a beat, the empty deep feeling in my chest being forgotten at the very moment. i couldnt look away from his eyes.

for the first time ever, i felt like. i was okay.

i teared up again, but before i could let the tears spill i engulfed inosuke in a hug. an endearing, loving, grateful hug. i sobbed as i buried my face into his chest.

“t-thank you. thank you so much.”

i felt his arms wrap around my shaking figure gently, as he at the same time patted my head.

i was honestly surprised as to what was going on right now. out of all people, inosuke.

you’ve made me so happy. you’ve made me feel safe, okay, and wanted.

｡ﾟ•┈୨♡୧┈•ﾟ｡

two months had passed ever since tanjirou had turned me down.

honestly, i had nothing against tanjirou. i never expected him to like me, heck, love me back even. i never expected him to reciprocate my feelings. but at the same time, i felt like i still had a chance. i dont know what was going through my mind at the time.

i still loved tanjirou. maybe not as much as before, but i knew i still had the slightesy feelings for him. i try my best to talk to him as if nothing had ever happened. i really just want to move on from it.

as much as i hate myself for it, seeing him and talking to him makes me feel worthless. i hate myself for feeling that way. if i could go back in time and redo everything, i most certainly would.

what hurt me even more was to see how close he had gotten himself with kanao. it was no surprise to me, honestly. kanao is a very pretty girl, and she’s just way better than me in general in regards to demon slaying and skill wise.

no wonder tanjirou would take interest in her.

i was happy for him, i really was. i held no resent towards kanao at all. afterall, it would be petty and childish.

kanao was a dear friend to me and if they really did have chemistry between one another, i do really wish them the best.

i just cant help but pity myself.

“(y/n)!”

i squeaked in surprise as i was suddenly lifted off the ground by a pair of arms around my waste and twirled around. it took me a moment to realize that it was nobody but inosuke, before having a giggling fit.

“i-inosuke! put me down!” i laughed as he started to make plane noises. i felt myself blush as his eyes locked itself with mine, before averting my gaze to block him from noticing my face had turned into a tomato red.

ever since i broke down in front of inosuke and had him comfort me, we’ve gotten a lot closer. not much has changed between us personality wise, but he associated with me way more and always seemed ready whenever id ask him a favor, etc. he also now liked to pick me up and pretend to toss me, or making plane noises as he twirled me around.

he’s honestly like my best friend now. i can actually talk to him about how i feel deep down inside. he listens but doesnt really give much input on it, but i dont mind. its inosuke afterall, what can i expect? all im grateful for is that he listens.

inosuke grinned before setting me back down on the floor. he patted my hat before literally collapsing onto the grass covered ground, yawning and using his arms to rest his head on.

“im tired, (y/n). take a nap with me.” he grunted, patting the spot next to him. i smiled before laying down too, as i looked up at the sky.

“hey, inosu-“ i cut myself off after i had looked at him and noticed he was already out like a light. i giggled a bit. hes such a baby, honestly.

i stared at his face a bit more and noticed how pretty and feminine his features were. his eyelashes were curled and at a beautiful length, his lips slightly parted making him look angelic. his fair skin with no scars made him look like an angel.

jeez, god really do be picking favorites.

i sighed before laying back down on the grass, closing my eyes as i rested my head on inosuke’s chest. i felt myself sleeping into sleep and just let it happen.

this was one of the many times i felt at peace, always with inosuke.

｡ﾟ•┈୨♡୧┈•ﾟ｡

“im telling you, inosuke and (y/n) have a thing going on! have you seen how they are with each other?!” falling onto the floor, zenitsu started to sob. “why, out of all people, him?! a pretty girl like (y/n) deserves better! eUUugGNnN!!”

“what are you guys talking about?” tanjirou asked as he walked into the room, a smile worn on his face as he laughed at zenitsu obviously being overdramatic about whatever it was.

aoi and the other three girls sighed as they continued on eating their lunch.

“zenitsu thinks (y/n) and inosuke are dating and hes freaking out about it because he knows he’ll never get someone as pretty as (y/n).” aoi said, laughing at the last part.

tanjirou froze, before laughing nervously. “aaah, dont say that, im sure zenitsu will find someone one day!”

aoi shrugged, followed on by more giggles coming from sumi and the two others.

“are (y/n) and inosuke really dating?” tanjirou asked, sitting down.

“dont even mention it! agh!” zenitsu cried from his laying position on the ground, before burying his face in his arms again.

aoi rolled her eyes before moving onto answering tanjirou. “well..no, actually yeah, no, we dont know. i mean it looks like it. they’ve gotten a lot of closer and inosuke is always up on (y/n) now. i mean, they’d make a really cute couple! i see the way (y/n) lights up when shes around him.”

“a-ah. i see.” tanjirou said, letting out a slight laugh. “well, im gonna head out to train now. ill see you all at dinner.”

aoi and the three girls said goodbye to him as he made his exit.

tanjirou walked down the halls of the butterfly estate, before stumbling upon the garden. he sighed, walking out with the intention to take a look at the peaceful view of the garden meadow and for some fresh air.

his peace was interrupted, however, as his eyes locked upon two well known people cuddled up on the garden grass, taking a peaceful nap.

his fists clenched, and so did his teeth.

he felt jealousy over power him. he did not realize it, but it was there and he felt it. he just didnt know what it was.

but what he knew, was regret.

that he had let (y/n) slip past him.

#kny tanjirou #tanjirou x reader #demon slayer tanjirou #angst #kny x reader #demon slayer inosuke #inosuke x reader #inosuke kny #im back #:(( <3 #kimetsunoyaiba #demon slayer #fanfic #kny fanfic #kny fandom

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cloneslugs · 6 years ago

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please king send me ANY sniper headcanons

(idk why im so tired and everything feels so funny rn but i’ll throw you a bone)

actually i’ll edit it here

trans. (pre/no op) he wears a binder on the job but only if he’s in a sufficient sniper nest but even then he’ll take it off bc thats self care baby !! if he knows he’s gonna be running around he’s usually fine w/ his thick ass vest + baggy shirt + undershirt combo :)

he. gay =___= + mostly just. sleeps around but is a romantic at heart but also. not really. he just kinda ? minds his business and like doesnt think too hard about things that require lots of thinking

mama’s boy!!!!!!!!! but tries to emulate his papa (sunglasses B) )

hes not stupid but he prefers simplicity

POOR HYGIENE he brushes his teeth sometimes and maybe brushes his hair but. he pees in jars + the sink of HQ if there are none available and listen,, that camper dont exactly have running water

he doesnt know how to start conversations at all and actually doesnt. care for talking too much (which is funny bc he hangs out w/ scout a lot,,, but ig scout does all the talking) he jumps in convos if he has a decent/funny enough point but mostly minds his business

he wears a hat for added height + actually all his wardrobe is planned for his utmost social comfort

he flusters easily + hates it, like if you like corner him in a conversation + he cant figure out what to say he just =/////= + he doesnt know how to flirt easily if u flirt w/ him he’ll like stammer out something stupid or just pretend he didnt hear and like. clean his knife or something

he gets super twitchy/fidgety under pressure like above or if you annoy him, he like. flicks his bobblehead or chews on his glasses/fingernails/anything and gets tappy with his hands, he’s pretty good at sitting still most of the time so these are his Tells for irritation/that he’s bothered

he visits home when he can but usually its just screaming matches and he just storms out of the house and does some farm chores bc he still loves them

he’s really bad at like reading/pronunciation (i mean. he can read) he’s bad at spelling

he has a weird relationship w/ ms pauling like they obvs get along but they dont really talk much + she just gets uncomfy in long silences sometimes but they swap recipes and killing tips, he trust her to make calls most of the time and will just listen to her and let the others compromise it out if need be but he’ll interject if he thinks its serious enough(extra info: he just calls her “pauling” unless he’s being really super serious or feels a little snarky)

he kinda wants a dog but they cant climb into sniper nests and what if it gets hurt

he’s. squirrelier than he lets off and likes to climb on things + also he has good aim with just throwing things

not to veer off canon but he knew he was adopted since he was little

he’s good at falling asleep anywhere in any position + can nod off w/ a sniper in his hand (sometimes thats not the best when youre waiting for a target)

he tries to call his parents at least 3 times a week / every other day if he can manage that

he likes his sunglasses for another reason bc he can snooze a little if theyre having a meeting a nobody can really tell (okay some of them can but listen)

he loves being up high !! no matter the weather he loves it thunderstorms or heavy snow or sunny days its a blast !! and he likes to drive around w/ the windows down and the breeze in his face its :)

listen ik this is canon but the boy is Mentally Ill but brushes it off around people and hates talking about it and gets all clammed up when its brought up by like. anyone strangers or people close to him (see: meet the director/meet the sniper(w/ his dad))

he loves seeing new places but he doesnt care much for like. trudging around the wilderness like?? mucking around in swamps or something like that, he’s there for the view and doesnt need the big exploration + running around that some of the others do

he’s self taught at bow and arrow + picked it up when he was way younger bc he used to think it was cool + sexy now he doesnt really. give it a 2nd thought

he’s actually big emo + has a big heart esp for loved ones but he’s good at hiding if things hurt him outside of his initial response(idk if that makes sense, like if his dad said he hated him he’d like visibly :O at first but after the shock he’d be B/ and maybe just go cry in his camper hfdhsjfk)

he’s pretty blunt and isnt afraid to just ? point things out to people point blank and he doesnt really get?? why people get pissy

he like. snipes + all but he doesnt really believe in hunting all that much (like outside of the necessities for it, but even then he wouldnt participate)

i think he’s defo the most ?? standoffish out of the group like even spy hangs out w/ scout but he just doesnt feel a need to jump into convos and doesnt consider how much you talk to someone to be equal to the value of how good of friends you are like maybe everyone feels all “oh he doesnt talk much so we arent close” but he doesnt see that he just thinks “we sit in a room together + they talk/we do crazy shit together, ergo we are close” he does genuinely care for their well being most of the time

he’s not very touchy and prefers when people keep a distance + he’s just. awkward

he gets irritated easily in social situations/when talking, he’s easy to talk over, he gets more annoyed w/ what people say over what they do, he hates talking to strangers, he doesnt like when people pester him about his personal life, he generally doesnt give a shit about gossip + all + doesnt nose about in other people’s business like i said he just kinda minds his own and stays in his own lane and defo gets involved in the least amount of drama

he hangs out w/ the others but he spends most of his time on his own if he can, if he does hang out w/ them he’s kinda a wall flower and just watches the rest of them + has his fun that way besides interjecting a little quip here and there (sorry i feel like im repeating myself w/ some of these)

sometimes he gets broody and moody

he talks about his job w/ really high esteem and he honestly thinks what he does is pretty great and he definitely doesnt think the others are below him but he likes to say what he does isnt mindless merc work its assassination just bc it makes him feel better about himself + its a good argument against his dad

he. hangs out w/ scout and just listens to the kid ramble about whatever + maybe nods or Mhmms along when needed but keeps his mouth shut but maybe gives Big Adult Advise thats maybe not always that great but it sounds smart, sometimes he vents to him bc scouts dumb and wont get it/remember it and his naive/dummy advise sometimes cheers him and actually helps

i can probably come up w more but this is super long and repetitive F

#asks #sniperspys #tf txt

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ts-akhmim · 5 years ago

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Episode 11 | “You let me like a parasite leach into this game and I will not be going anywhere”- Ali

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Alright, so now it's my time to either put up or shut up. This is the round I really need to make this move in order to put myself in a much better spot moving forward. Either Ali or Autumn need to go this round, and I need to figure out how in the hell I can make this work. I know me, Devon, and the three Beauties are in for this plan, but I'm really concerned about Jakey this round. For some reason he's not being fully forthcoming about his thoughts about this vote, and with someone telling me that him and Ali might be close, I'm really concerned that he may go and ruin this plan. I don't want to think he'd do that - he should know I have had his back since Day 1 and I still think he has mine - but like... this ain't a fun spot to be in. Part of me wants to stack on Autumn and pretend like it's supposed to be a split vote to get Ali to use his idol if Jakey does tell him, but it would be worthless, but I don't even know if that would work. So I think I really need to figure out what Jakey is ok with here and then figure out how I can guarantee the heat doesn't come on me if this plan is found out.

I- just... you think you know people. Me and Adam rn https://media.tenor.com/images/ad6bd858d5371eb4ad2755d4a11bc748/tenor.gif but also me and Adam rn https://i.pinimg.com/originals/b8/d0/26/b8d026447effad19676de7e8ccc05c6f.gif Not Adam calling me at midnight to tell me that the whole ass tribe is planning to blindside Ali. I can't even get into the tea fully cause I'm in my bag now that I know 6 people think so little of me and will to lie to my face all day tomorrow but like it's fine. They will be dealt with, Adam is a king, we will get our Emmy's tomorrow for bamboozling everyone back, and I will 100% get Ali to play the idol he (probably?) has when I lay all the cards at 7 pm EST tomorrow lmao. And I'm really gonna get Jakey and Deovn's double agent asses- THAT I do know! Just you wait cause like I said before: name an ally I won't kill

to THINK, to literally THINK i wanted adam out at a point in this game. adam is literally the only person i trust in this game, i will be the kingmaker for him to get the win he deserves. what a genuinely lovely man, im so glad we are both still here. it sounds like there is a blindside being cooked up for little old me this round and for what...i'm borderline inactive, i cant connect with anyone in this game like... voting me for what... for literally what. also if jake is voting for me i will literally scream into the void this is so stupid for him. i am literally so far up his ass in this game all season and yet he wants to send me packing and for what. adam literally is my god send, as is devon's inability to keep literally anything a secret? like i trusted devon... so much?! and yet he literally threw me so far under the bus my squished up corpse is a 2D shape. i'm so... shook?! and also i still cant decide if i think jake is in on this, but if he is... im screaming? what a clown decision. but literally i cant believe this. im so excited to idol out one of the generic men in this game out tomorrow, they can all literally suck it up i cant wait. i want to be the kingslayer, i want to be the person who votes out amir for the first time in tumblr survivor. screw keeping big threats around, fuck that noise. i'm going to literally go through metamorphosis and become alyssa this season. i will be the mother hen who takes the bullet for my allies moving forwards, adam/autumn will make it further and further (plus jake if he is proven innocent and not a snake) anyway cast assessment: augusto - he can have such empty conversations for hours?! like this tribe confuses talking lots with social game. but like with him its a real i don't love your excess energy, go girl give us too much... would love to see him do literal anything beyond just having nothingy conversations... that does not a winner make amir - WOW his galaxy brain is so big. honestly i have to be impressed with amir, the fact he has this tribe misted that he is not the mastermind he is... a testament to his skill. i want to idol him out tomorrow adam - literally my jesus. i owe him my life in this game and i will stay true to that. i cant believe i didnt trust him at first wow... i hope adam gets the win this season autumn - my other goddess.. the literal love of my life, i want her and adam in the f3 this season if i cant make it. i want an autumn hill two time winner yes please and thank you devon - okay devon remains SUCH a sweet guy but oh my god does he play like a snake HELLO. he literally pumped me full of hot air for literally nothing wow woww wowww. he has lied to me for rounds and rounds for literally nothing... am ready to get that snake caught in a trap jake - i think the man who i was willing to give up my entire game for has been lying to me, i feel the exact same way i felt when my boyfriend cheated on me like this feels so personal... and i dont even see the endgame for jake with this hello!? my heart is broken, i literally watched sharifa play in sequester for HOURS with that man and for what?! for WHAT kendall - a literal sweetheart, never dissed. hope she goes far the only non-fraudulent one of the bunch tj -askjdlfsa he is so... stale jKLJKASDFAS like as a player go girl give us nothing. i wish he was being deadass when he said we were gonna squash our beef but i guess not huh? clownery from me i see anyway its almost 8am i need bed. im fueled by rage and im ending the generic men. adam and autumn are the loves of my life, brain, brawn and beauty are linking UP.

GORL yall better hold onto your britches this is gonna be a LONG one, so immunity happens, a music challenge, which i knew was right up my alley, i was confident going into it and tbh i had no idea what was gonna happen this round, so i decided to take a risk and use my challenge advantage, WHICH PAID OFF BECAUSE BITCH I AM T H E SONGSTRESS, DO RE MI FA SO LA TI DA UP OUT MY FACE BECAUSE YALL CANT GET ME THIS ROUND. who would've thought little old me would end up winning not one, but TWO individual immunities in a single season! im always dragging myself but for once im so PROUD of myself because with my last one there really wasnt anything to brag about, it was handed to me, which kinda did feel nice in a sense considering i know no one trusts me yet they wanted to still keep me around, but like this one was M Y own WIN like on my own merit. I'm an aries, dont ever count me out because i will deliver all the gags and all the goops so after my win, i know im 100% safe, so i start to think... hmm well idk who i want to go so i guess ill see and wait if anyone says anything to me, and then DEVON calls me and we're having a convo when all the sudden he gets real coy.... and starts going "OMG ADAM UGHHH I DONT KNOW HOW TO TELL YOU THIS OR IF I CAN OR CANT" meanwhile, obviously i wanna know the tea so im like well bitch! spill! and he tells ME that apparently, him, jakey, tj, amir, and augusto have all allegedly been in talks and want to BLINDSIDE ALI THIS ROUND because they think he has the idol...and purposely leave me and autumn out? ill get to the THOUGHTS i have on that soon, because oh, i have SEVERAL thoughts, but as he tells me this he's basically just saying OMG PLEASE IM TAKING A HUGE RISK TELLING YOU THIS DONT TELL ANYONE ELSE, which, i DO trust devon slightly, but here's where the problems began and im gonna break it down for yall, 1) ONCE AGAIN, THE BIGGEST PHONYS IN THE GAME FAKE 1 AND FAKE 2 AMIR AND AUGUSTO LMAO LIKE .... DID WE NOT JUST END THE BEEF WE HAD WITH EACH OTHER BECAUSE YALL WANTED TO GO BEHIND MY BACK AND NOT INCLUDE ME IN THE PLANS, ONLY FOR YOU TO DO THE SAME THING YET AGAIN??????? 2) Devon also TOLD me straight up and he was kinda laughing when he said it "im gonna be straight up no one trusts you in this game but i do and thats why im telling you", because AMIR/AUGUSTO ARE TELLING EVERYONE I HAVE THE IDOL FROM BEAUTY. WHY WILL NO ONE BELIEVE ME AND WHY ARE THEY BELIEVING THEM I DONT HAVE IT. LIKE I CAN OWN MY GAME AND MY MISTAKES AND THE ONLY THING IVE DONE TO DESERVE DOUBT WAS MY STUPID LIE ABOUT THE AUCTION BUT E V E R Y O N E LIED LIKE WHY AM I ALWAYS THE BAD GUY? YALL WANT ME TO BE THE BAD GUY, CHUN LI? BECAUSE GUESS WHAT, I CAN BE. ive been playing this game with ONE mindset only. I'll be semi honest with everyone, but lie to me and then you can no longer believe a word i say.... and 3) devon also told me, while he trusts me and wants to go far with me, everyone else doesnt want to take me out this round, next round, or even 7, theyre planning to go for me around like final 6......ok so what im hearing is people are ALREADY trying to plan when to take me out and while he may trust me, i basically would have no way to play the game other than with him??? which why would i just sit there and accept that fate...OH AND ALSO 4) him and everyone else really just expects me to sit back and knowingly vote against kendall, who WOULDNT be going home so they can blindside ali...... so id literally lose a friend in this and gain an enemy? do i have idiot plastered on my forehead??? well, i guess they were right not to tell me about the plan because BITCH I RAN RIGHT TO ALI. Like honestly, screw all those people, i feel like ive done NOTHING so horrible to make people dislike or distrust me so severely so i feel like i dont owe anyone a damn thing. why would i just sit complacently waiting to get picked off at 5/6 and put all my eggs in one basket when i single handedly can change the whole game right now, and thats exactly what i plan on doing. At this point im TIRED of people overlooking me and thinking they can play this game around me and get away with it, but whatever, YALL WANTED GOOD TV, YALL WANTED A SHOW WELL BUCKLE UP BECAUSE YALL MAY BE GOOD AT THIS GAME AND GOOD AT BEING FAKE, BUT YALL DONT KNOW WHAT YOU GOT YOURSELVES INTO WITH ME, IN THE WISE WORDS OF TAMMIE BROWN, YOU WANTED CRAZY, WELL YOU GOT IT NOW ali was SHOOK when i spilled the beans to him, and i told him like look this is me giving you my trust because he's the only person who's shown me respect besides autumn and even if he wasnt being genuine, at least he's being SMART AND GUESS WHAT IT'S GONNA SAVE HIS GAME BECAUSE BITCH HE TOLD ME HOW HE HAS THE IDOL- NOT JUST ONE, BUTTWO OF THEM FJADHSKJFH GORL FIRST OF ALL im so happy i can STOP PLAYING 2048 THAT DAMN GAME WAS GOING TO BE MY UNDOING, SECOND OF ALL I LITERALLY CACKLED ON CALL WHEN HE TOLD ME, I KNEW I COULD TRUST MY GUT ABOUT HIM, OH AND IT GETS EVEN BETTER HE ALSO HAS THE IDOL NULLIFIER EFSDKAJH WHICH MEANS....if we play our cards right......we can take out whoever we want, maybe everyone was right to be scared of us. I'd be scared, i think they should all be scared, yall wanted to say fuck my drag time and time again, well watch me bring it to the runway now. we also agreed we need to let autumn in on this, which could be either the BEST or WORST move....i really THINK i can trust autumn, her and ali are hands down my #1/2 in the game, and devon right behind, although if we pull this off, i told them both i dont want to get devon since he let me know this, i think even if i blindside him and dont let him know, i can at least justify myself enough to him and let him know him going home was still never an option, but i called autumn right after ali and told her all the same tea and at first she was kinda hesitant about it all, but i knew her and jakey had a good relationship so the hardest part for me i think was making her really believe he's against her which i think i did a good job of making her believe because she SPILLED the tea to me about how her/ali/jakey had an alliance, and i absolutely did just kick him out and take his place oop, which i dont trust jake at all because something about him/amir/augusto is so shady, you mean to tell me they voted you out and he hasnt tried to go for them or vice versa this whole time.... my gut is telling me they're in kahoots, and would 100% be a solid 3 against me down the line... my whole game rn hinges on autumn believing me because its the TRUTH i just told her what i was told but clearly i painted it a little more my way oops, so as of now the plan is autumn and me will both keep playing dumb tomorrow, then around 7 pm we're gonna "tell ali" the plan (which i already told him) but autumn doesnt know he has the idol yet, so ali will confirm it to her, and we'll make our move. I'm going to push for it to be amir, i want him OUT OF THIS GAME. im SICK of him and augusto prancing around like the wicked step sisters and treating me like cinderella. but who knows, maybe devon telling me was strategy on his part so i tell ali and we flush the idol and they vote autumn, but i have to hope that all those people are good enough with autumn that they dont want to do that just yet... but i mean, ali does have 2 so we already said if we feel like we need to use both, one for him and one for autumn, it's an option. Also if any of them have the idol ... this could become a mess if someone plays one right after ali, this could also just fall apart if they split the votes 3/3 sedkfha the odds of me actually getting my way....are feeling slim, but im gonna be hopeful because it's all i got, if this works, it could be my winning move, but if it fails, and there's a high chance it fails.... im gone next round... but with ali staying i dont think thatll happen, he's a shield for me and someone i can trust, im taking a page from the michele winners at war book, and he's my jeremy. I trust him, and i need him in this game for at least a few more rounds or im just gonna be dragged along and disposed of at some point. And if i leave then whatever at least i can say i caused chaos, which im always down for.

So I think Ali is getting sketched out by this vote, so now I am working with Jakey and Devon to figure out a plan to make Ali feel safe and not play an idol. But I'm like... oh dear... this could really blow up in our faces if this doesn't work. And I'm over here trying to communicate now to everyone what is going on so that they don't panic and I'm like... wasn't I just on the bottom? Now I feel like I have some kind of power again? I like this feeling, but also, it be scary as fuck.

If last round was the calm before the storm, this round is a full on hurricane of a vote. I have spent the past round or so trying to rally the troops against Ali and I think it can finally happen? He has two idols, a vote reveal, a idol blocker, and a killer social game so these people need to smell the roses and get him out. I really hope I don’t leave but if this is my undoing, at least I tried to make a move!

tribal is in a few hours and i have a WHOLE ass headache because i dont know what's gonna happen....so last night devon LITERALLY told me everyone but me/autumn were gonna be in the vote against ali... but then today he's telling me jake doesnt know he thinks......am i crazy? did i mishear?? or is he trying to gaslight me.....because i KNOW what i heard and i literally led this whole jake slander campaign to autumn and ali, autumn doesnt think we can trust jakey because i can see devon feeling nervous after telling me that and then they try to tell jake to get in good with us so he knows our plan, but it also doesnt really make sense if jakey works with them unless my conspiracy about him/amir being in kahoots makes sense....so i dont fucking know what's happening, if it were up to me this would stay between me/autumn/ali and we'll ask for forgiveness rather than permission on the next day... autumn/ali are on call rn and theyre supposed to let me know after because autumn is supposed to "spill" the tea to ali (which i already spilled last night) and then we'll go from there because since he does have the idol we just need to place our votes very carefully in conclusion; there's gonna be some angry gays one way or another after tribal (and a few confused heteros)

I don’t think anyone respects me... which is annoying because I am currently playing a social game. But even more annoying because nobody listens to me!!!!!! Like literally all we have to do is switch to Autumn!!!! Switch to Autumn and everything will be fine and no one is willing to do that. Ugghhhhhhh god damnit I’m going to lose my mind.

I WILL CONFESS LATER BUT WE ARE SENDING DEVON OUT 4-3 AND IM GONNA IDOL MYSELF BECAUSE IM SCARED... IM READY TO BE IN FINAL EIGHT AND IM READY TO FIGHT.

youtube

Fucking THIS AND ALL THESE FKING PEOPLE IM SO DONE, I literally have no course of action, I’ve went through every single plan in my mind and every single one reaches a dead end, I don’t know the details of how the idol block and vote reveal work I can’t switch the vote to jakey, because Ali will vote reveal and then idol jakey and then I’m left with 4 people who want me dead and jakey blowing up my game I can’t split on autumn and Ali because we don’t have the votes without jakey I can’t fucking do anything at all I have to be passive, but I have to be alert Ali isn’t gonna go, jakey isn’t gonna go, autumn won’t, and adam wont It’s going to be me or my allies So I just have to try and make it not me at this point

I think devon is about to leave and like, that is okay, just be who you are

#BackWithVengeance

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caepaecaesurae · 8 years ago

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> Cae : Fail to talk with Psii again, less violently

Today at 3:22 AM palteringcecutiency -- [PC] is online! -- i want to be friends still caepaecaesurae > Oh good fuck what do you say to that. Your friend is a horrible mess.

caepaecaesurae are you alright? palteringcecutiency no doesnt matter caepaecaesurae ... It should. palteringcecutiency shrug caepaecaesurae WVhat did I do, that I can stop doing? palteringcecutiency nothing you want to stop doing caepaecaesurae The quads thing? palteringcecutiency ha. no. the shit where you dont want me here threatening everything caepaecaesurae ...chief, that's not I don't think I'm doing that. I wvant to be your friend. The first time I sawv you it wvas a huge relief. Plus or minus the concern for my owvn hide, but wve'vwe covwered that. You're here, you're real, you usually don't wvant to kill me, it's amazing. palteringcecutiency youre not going to convince me so just save the effort still wanna be friends though i miss you too as stupid as that is caepaecaesurae It's... probably pretty foolish on both our sides. caepaecaesurae That doesn't make it stop, though. I'd like to be friends. I don't alwvays knowv howv. palteringcecutiency i dont either palteringcecutiency youre a trap and i dont want to get too close also stupid caepaecaesurae If it helps anything, I swvear to you absolutely that I am trying my levwel best to leavwe Kankri, Porrim, and Meulin out of any conflicts betwveen us, howvevwer they end up. I don't describe it to them, I only let them knowv you're upset if I think you need them, and I don't tell them wvhy or howv or wvhat. I do not like making people choose betwveen me, and an alternativwe. palteringcecutiency you dont need to theyve already picked caepaecaesurae I disagree. palteringcecutiency told you youre not going to convince me caepaecaesurae You somehowv wvish to be my friend, despite evwerything that has happened. It does not erase the past, only somehowv attempt to occur in spite of it. ...so it is on many fronts. I'll stop pushing. palteringcecutiency i want to be friends because im alone and im tired of it i dont fucking care if it kills me anymore its inevitable why not have fun until you get tired of me caepaecaesurae Death is, for evwery troll. Its route can be negociated. I'd prefer to havwe fun too. palteringcecutiency i wish youd shorten the route to be honest but youre not gonna caepaecaesurae Can wve restrict our attentions to situations that are the same, wvhether I am hostile or sincere? caepaecaesurae I... cannot compromise, on wvhether I mean you no harm or not. But I can cooperate wvith safeguards that wvould be possible to perform, evwen if I am sincere. Small, specific acts that make this time of trying to be friends more tolerable for you. caepaecaesurae You do not believwe me and I cannot budge, but if wve find the places wvhere these beliefs ovwerlap, perhaps wve can find something better for you than wvhatevwer wve are doing nowv. palteringcecutiency ...i dont know what thatd be any of that i dont know what you want and you wont tell me so i just dont /know/ anything i dont know your moods or your goals or what will make you decide im not worth it anymore i cant fucking read you cause youre as fake as i am and i hate it caepaecaesurae I'm trying not to filter myself, or be fake, around you at all. It doesn't alwvays wvork. I knowv you wvon't believwe me saying it. It's... interesting, talking into the wvind like this. palteringcecutiency how is it caepaecaesurae It's frustrating. It's hard. caepaecaesurae Searching for the magic wvords that wvill make a difference and count. palteringcecutiency you could try being honest for once caepaecaesurae I wvant a wvorld wvhere my moirail can havwe his brother. I'm not great at honesty. All I can do is my best. palteringcecutiency we had that. it got taken from us. twice. caepaecaesurae Third time's the charm? palteringcecutiency there is no third time we parted ways sweeps ago its only going to get farther when i finally get myself killed caepaecaesurae He doesn't wvant immortality. He's going to leavwe me to join you somenight. palteringcecutiency i doubt that even if he does die caepaecaesurae I wvish I'd killed you in that auction hivwe on Alternia. WVhatevwer crude mercy stayed my hand is one of my larger regrets. Maybe you'd havwe more peace of mind then, and wvould havwe had longer wvith him. palteringcecutiency maybe a little before some other bullshit took him from me again caepaecaesurae He worries for you. palteringcecutiency he worries for everyone caepaecaesurae Congratulations, you're included. palteringcecutiency confetti caepaecaesurae ... Howv long havwe you been here, mit? A full swveep? caepaecaesurae ..I think it's in that range or longer. palteringcecutiency no its only been a cycle caepaecaesurae I must havwe misremembered. I knewv there had been twvo gift-givwing holidays palteringcecutiency showed up a few perigees before the one before the last caepaecaesurae And it's nowv been a fewv perigees after the last, so the swveep mark isn't too far awvay I suppose palteringcecutiency yeah caepaecaesurae ...regardless... Life has been proceeding normally this long, wvith your family in reach, wvith descendants and alternates and tumblr and the vwiewv outside your wvindowv. Might it not go another cycle, the same wvay? Half of one? Is there some length of time, from a perigee to a wveek, that you can believwe it wvill continue this wvay? ..I don't need to knowv wvhat it is, if so. ..but.. palteringcecutiency ha that depends on you doesnt it caepaecaesurae If you are wvaiting for some invwisible harm to fall, it does not seem to be soon in coming. ...Enjoy wvhat you can bring yourself to. palteringcecutiency i try to i dont always succeed mostly dont caepaecaesurae I'm sorry to hear that. ... Anything I can do to make that easier, I wvould like to. You wvill be wvaiting a long time, I think. palteringcecutiency yay more suffering my favorite caepaecaesurae ... Confetti. palteringcecutiency heh caepaecaesurae Do the pictures of Arlequin wvearing my skull amuse you? i havwe the link. caepaecaesurae I also havwe one of my actual execution for some godly reason, though I don't knowv if that wvould entertain you near as much. palteringcecutiency ...ive had my fill of executions thanks caepaecaesurae ...Sorry. palteringcecutiency its fine doesnt make me twitch as much anymore palteringcecutiency just not in the mood right now caepaecaesurae That's fair. palteringcecutiency sorry caepaecaesurae It's not your fault. If I think of any wvay wve could bridge the trust gap, I'll let you knowv and maybe wve can talk about it. WVays that don't allowv any funny business. It'll at least givwe you something interesting to tell me to fuck off about. I wvant to keep being your friend, wvhatevwer that means. You seem tired. Is it time to rest? palteringcecutiency if you wanna waste your time pretending its not like i can stop you. but youre fun when youre not toying with me. i do like you and wanna be friends yeah probably palteringcecutiency been a long night telling you guys youre full of shit after all gotta rest up for whatever youre gonna pull tomorrow caepaecaesurae I'll probably ask you for lists of wvhat counts as toying or not toying wvith you, honestly. I'm not great at telling the difference. Rest wvell. Maybe somenight I can come vwisit the cats. palteringcecutiency most of what you do is toying with me. but yeah. you should. theyre starting to come out. light cronus caepaecaesurae Light, Mituna. Good luck scheming. palteringcecutiency heh. you too. caepaecaesurae 👉 ( -_-) 👉

#ooc eyes only #palteringcecutiency #morbid jokes #paranoia/

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tia-osumah-blog · 6 years ago

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no thats no way for him has he no manners nor no refinement nor no nothing in his nature slapping us behind like that on my bottom because I didnt call him Hugh the ignoramus that doesnt know poetry from a cabbage thats what you get for not keeping them in their proper place pulling off his shoes and trousers there on the chair before me so barefaced without even asking permission and standing out that vulgar way in the half of a shirt they wear to be admired like a priest or a butcher or those old hypocrites in the time of Julius Caesar of course hes right enough in his way to pass the time as a joke sure you might as well be in bed with what with a lion God Im sure hed have something better to say for himself an old Lion would O well I suppose its because they were so plump and tempting in my short petticoat he couldnt resist they excite myself sometimes its well for men all the amount of pleasure they get off a womans body were so round and white for them always I wished I was one myself for a change just to try with that thing they have swelling up on you so hard and at the same time so soft when you touch it my uncle John has a thing long I heard those cornerboys saying passing the comer of Marrowbone lane my aunt Mary has a thing hairy because it was dark and they knew a girl was passing it didnt make me blush why should it either its only nature and he puts his thing long into my aunt Marys hairy etcetera and turns out to be you put the handle in a sweepingbrush men again all over they can pick and choose what they please a married woman or a fast widow or a girl for their different tastes like those houses round behind Irish street no but were to be always chained up theyre not going to be chaining me up no damn fear once I start I tell you for their stupid husbands jealousy why cant we all remain friends over it instead of quarrelling her husband found it out what they did together well naturally and if he did can he undo it hes coronado anyway whatever he does and then he going to the other mad extreme about the wife in Fair Tyrants of course the man never even casts a 2nd thought on the husband or wife either its the woman he wants and he gets her what else were we given all those desires for Id like to know I cant help it if Im young still can I its a wonder Im not an old shrivelled hag before my time living with him so cold never embracing me except sometimes when hes asleep the wrong end of me not knowing I suppose who he has any man thatd kiss a womans bottom Id throw my hat at him after that hed kiss anything unnatural where we havent I atom of any kind of expression in us all of us the same 2 lumps of lard before ever Id do that to a man pfooh the dirty brutes the mere thought is enough I kiss the feet of you senorita theres some sense in that didnt he kiss our halldoor yes he did what a madman nobody understands his cracked ideas but me still of course a woman wants to be embraced 20 times a day almost to make her look young no matter by who so long as to be in love or loved by somebody if the fellow you want isnt there sometimes by the Lord God I was thinking would I go around by the quays there some dark evening where nobodyd know me and pick up a sailor off the sea thatd be hot on for it and not care a pin whose I was only do it off up in a gate somewhere or one of those wildlooking gipsies in Rathfarnham had their camp pitched near the Bloomfield laundry to try and steal our things if they could I only sent mine there a few times for the name model laundry sending me back over and over some old ones odd stockings that blackguardlooking fellow with the fine eyes peeling a switch attack me in the dark and ride me up against the wall without a word or a murderer anybody what they do themselves the fine gentlemen in their silk hats that K C lives up somewhere this way coming out of Hardwicke lane the night he gave us the fish supper on account of winning over the boxing match of course it was for me he gave it I knew him by his gaiters and the walk and when I turned round a minute after just to see there was a woman after coming out of it too some filthy prostitute then he goes home to his wife after that only I suppose the half of those sailors are rotten again with disease O move over your big carcass out of that for the love of Mike listen to him the winds that waft my sighs to thee so well he may sleep and sigh the great Suggester Don Poldo de la Flora if he knew how he came out on the cards this morning hed have something to sigh for a dark man in some perplexity between 2 7s too in prison for Lord knows what he does that I dont know and Im to be slooching around down in the kitchen to get his lordship his breakfast while hes rolled up like a mummy will I indeed did you ever see me running Id just like to see myself at it show them attention and they treat you like dirt I dont care what anybody says itd be much better for the world to be governed by the women in it you wouldnt see women going and killing one another and slaughtering when do you ever see women rolling around drunk like they do or gambling every penny they have and losing it on horses yes because a woman whatever she does she knows where to stop sure they wouldnt be in the world at all only for us they dont know what it is to be a woman and a mother how could they where would they all of them be if they hadnt all a mother to look after them what I never had thats why I suppose hes running wild now out at night away from his books and studies and not living at home on account of the usual rowy house I suppose well its a poor case that those that have a fine son like that theyre not satisfied and I none was he not able to make one it wasnt my fault we came together when I was watching the two dogs up in her behind in the middle of the naked street that disheartened me altogether I suppose I oughtnt to have buried him in that little woolly jacket I knitted crying as I was but give it to some poor child but I knew well Id never have another our 1st death too it was we were never the same since O Im not going to think myself into the glooms about that any more I wonder why he wouldnt stay the night I felt all the time it was somebody strange he brought in instead of roving around the city meeting God knows who nightwalkers and pickpockets his poor mother wouldnt like that if she was alive ruining himself for life perhaps still its a lovely hour so silent I used to love coming home after dances the air of the night they have friends they can talk to weve none either he wants what he wont get or its some woman ready to stick her knife in you I hate that in women no wonder they treat us the way they do we are a dreadful lot of bitches I suppose its all the troubles we have makes us so snappy Im not like that he could easy have slept in there on the sofa in the other room I suppose he was as shy as a boy he being so young hardly 20 of me in the next room hed have heard me on the chamber arrah what harm Dedalus I wonder its like those names in Gibraltar Delapaz Delagracia they had the devils queer names there father Vilaplana of Santa Maria that gave me the rosary Rosales y OReilly in the Calle las Siete Revueltas and Pisimbo and Mrs Opisso in Governor street O what a name Id go and drown myself in the first river if I had a name like her O my and all the bits of streets Paradise ramp and Bedlam ramp and Rodgers ramp and Crutchetts ramp and the devils gap steps well small blame to me if I am a harumscarum I know I am a bit I declare to God I dont feel a day older than then I wonder could I get my tongue round any of the Spanish como esta usted muy bien gracias y usted see I havent forgotten it all I thought I had only for the grammar a noun is the name of any person place or thing pity I never tried to read that novel cantankerous Mrs Rubio lent me by Valera with the questions in it all upside down the two ways I always knew wed go away in the end I can tell him the Spanish and he tell me the Italian then hell see Im not so ignorant what a pity he didnt stay Im sure the poor fellow was dead tired and wanted a good sleep badly I could have brought him in his breakfast in bed with a bit of toast so long as I didnt do it on the knife for bad luck or if the woman was going her rounds with the watercress and something nice and tasty there are a few olives in the kitchen he might like I never could bear the look of them in Abrines I could do the criada the room looks all right since I changed it the other way you see something was telling me all the time Id have to introduce myself not knowing me from Adam very funny wouldnt it Im his wife or pretend we were in Spain with him half awake without a Gods notion where he is dos huevos estrellados senor Lord the cracked things come into my head sometimes itd be great fun supposing he stayed with us why not theres the room upstairs empty and Millys bed in the back room he could do his writing and studies at the table in there for all the scribbling he does at it and if he wants to read in bed in the morning like me as hes making the breakfast for I he can make it for 2 Im sure Im not going to take in lodgers off the street for him if he takes a gesabo of a house like this Id love to have a long talk with an intelligent welleducated person Id have to get a nice pair of red slippers like those Turks with the fez used to sell or yellow and a nice semitransparent morning gown that I badly want or a peachblossom dressing jacket like the one long ago in Walpoles only 8/6 or 18/6 111 just give him one more chance 111 get up early in the morning Im sick of Cohens old bed in any case I might go over to the markets to see all the vegetables and cabbages and tomatoes and carrots and all kinds of splendid fruits all coming in lovely and fresh who knows whod be the 1st man Id meet theyre out looking for it in the morning Mamy Dillon used to say they are and the night too that was her massgoing Id love a big juicy pear now to melt in your mouth like when I used to be in the longing way then 111 throw him up his eggs and tea in the moustachecup she gave him to make his mouth bigger I suppose hed like my nice cream too I know what 111 do 111 go about rather gay not too much singing a bit now and then mi fa pieta Masetto then 111 start dressing myself to go out presto non son piu forte 111 put on my best shift and drawers let him have a good eyeful out of that to make his micky stand for him 111 let him know if thats what he wanted that his wife is I s 1 o fucked yes and damn well fucked too up to my neck nearly not by him 5 or 6 times handrunning theres the mark of his spunk on the clean sheet I wouldnt bother to even iron it out that ought to satisfy him if you dont believe me feel my belly unless I made him stand there and put him into me Ive a mind to tell him every scrap and make him do it out in front of me serve him right its all his own fault if I am an adulteress as the thing in the gallery said O much about it if thats all the harm ever we did in this vale of tears God knows its not much doesnt everybody only they hide it I suppose thats what a woman is supposed to be there for or He wouldnt have made us the way He did so attractive to men then if he wants to kiss my bottom 111 drag open my drawers and bulge it right out in his face as large as life he can stick his tongue 7 miles up my hole as hes there my brown part then 111 tell him I want LI or perhaps 30/ — 111 tell him I want to buy underclothes then if he gives me that well he wont be too bad I dont want to soak it all out of him like other women do I could often have written out a fine cheque for myself and write his name on it for a couple of pounds a few times he forgot to lock it up besides he wont spend it 111 let him do it off on me behind provided he doesnt smear all my good drawers O I suppose that cant be helped 111 do the indifferent 1 or 2 questions 111 know by the answers when hes like that he cant keep a thing back I know every turn in him 111 tighten my bottom well and let out a few smutty words smellrump or lick my shit or the first mad thing comes into my head then 111 suggest about yes O wait now sonny my turn is coming 111 be quite gay and friendly over it O but I was forgetting this bloody pest of a thing pfooh you wouldnt know which to laugh or cry were such a mixture of plum and apple no 111 have to wear the old things so much the better itll be more pointed hell never know whether he did it or not there thats good enough for you any old thing at all then 111 wipe him off me just like a business his omission then 111 go out 111 have him eying up at the ceiling where is she gone now make him want me thats the only way a quarter after what an unearthly hour I suppose theyre just getting up in China now combing out their pigtails for the day well soon have the nuns ringing the angelus theyve nobody coming in to spoil their sleep except an odd priest or two for his night office or the alarmclock next door at cockshout clattering the brains out of itself let me see if I can doze off 1 2 3 4 5 what kind of flowers are those they invented like the stars the wallpaper in Lombard street was much nicer the apron he gave me was like that something only I only wore it twice better lower this lamp and try again so as I can get up early 111 go to Lambes there beside Findlaters and get them to send us some flowers to put about the place in case he brings him home tomorrow today I mean no no Fridays an unlucky day first I want to do the place up someway the dust grows in it I think while Im asleep then we can have music and cigarettes I can accompany him first I must clean the keys of the piano with milk whatll I wear shall I wear a white rose or those fairy cakes in Liptons I love the smell of a rich big shop at 7 l/2d a lb or the other ones with the cherries in them and the pinky sugar 1 Id a couple of lbs of those a nice plant for the middle of the table Id get that cheaper in wait wheres this I saw them not long ago I love flowers Id love to have the whole place swimming in roses God of heaven theres nothing like nature the wild mountains then the sea and the waves rushing then the beautiful country with the fields of oats and wheat and all kinds of things and all the fine cattle going about that would do your heart good to see rivers and lakes and flowers all sorts of shapes and smells and colours springing up even out of the ditches primroses and violets nature it is as for them saying theres no God I wouldnt give a snap of my two fingers for all their learning why dont they go and create something I often asked him atheists or whatever they call themselves go and wash the cobbles off themselves first then they go howling for the priest and they dying and why why because theyre afraid of hell on account of their bad conscience ah yes I know them well who was the first person in the universe before there was anybody that made it all who ah that they dont know neither do I so there you are they might as well try to stop the sun from rising tomorrow the sun shines for you he said the day we were lying among the rhododendrons on Howth head in the grey tweed suit and his straw hat the day I got him to propose to me yes first I gave him the bit of seedcake out of my mouth and it was leapyear like now yes 16 years ago my God after that long kiss I near lost my breath yes he said I was a flower of the mountain yes so we are flowers all a womans body yes that was one true thing he said in his life and the sun shines for you today yes that was why I liked him because I saw he understood or felt what a woman is and I knew I could always get round him and I gave him all the pleasure I could leading him on till he asked me to say yes and I wouldnt answer first only looked out over the sea and the sky I was thinking of so many things he didnt know of Mulvey and Mr Stanhope and Hester and father and old captain Groves and the sailors playing all birds fly and I say stoop and washing up dishes they called it on the pier and the sentry in front of the governors house with the thing round his white helmet poor devil half roasted and the Spanish girls laughing in their shawls and their tall combs and the auctions in the morning the Greeks and the jews and the Arabs and the devil knows who else from all the ends of Europe and Duke street and the fowl market all clucking outside Larby Sharons and the poor donkeys slipping half asleep and the vague fellows in the cloaks asleep in the shade on the steps and the big wheels of the carts of the bulls and the old castle thousands of years old yes and those handsome Moors all in white and turbans like kings asking you to sit down in their little bit of a shop and Ronda with the old windows of the posadas 2 glancing eyes a lattice hid for her lover to kiss the iron and the wineshops half open at night and the castanets and the night we missed the boat at Algeciras the watchman going about serene with his lamp and O that awful deepdown torrent O and the sea the sea crimson sometimes like fire and the glorious sunsets and the figtrees in the Alameda gardens yes and all the queer little streets and the pink and blue and yellow houses and the rosegardens and the jessamine and geraniums and cactuses and Gibraltar as a girl where I was a Flower of the mountain yes when I put the rose in my hair like the Andalusian girls used or shall I wear a red yes and how he kissed me under the Moorish wall and I thought well as well him as another and then I asked him with my eyes to ask again yes and then he asked me would I yes to say yes my mountain flower and first I put my arms around him yes and drew him down to me so he could feel my breasts all perfume yes and his heart was going like mad and yes I said yes I will Yes.

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shanechuilee · 7 years ago

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It's hard to answer the question "what's wrong" when nothing is right. I love sleep. My life has this tendency to fall apart when I'm awake. Maybe I am crazy but laughing makes the pain pass by. Even the people who never frown eventually break down. You look at me and think, 'he's so happy' but there's so much behind this fake smile that you will never know People are always telling me to smile, like smiling is going to just take away all the hurt and pain. Well I've tried that I've tried hiding my sorrows and covering the sadness in smiles and what I've learned is that when it hurts this much inside your heart always has a way of showing it no matter how many masks you wear. The pain is there to remind me that I'm still alive. It seems to me that the harder I try the harder I fall. It's funny the way you can get used to the tears and the pain. What do you do when you become too scared, too scared to live, too scared to die, too scared to love, too scared to even care? Sometimes the littlest thing in life changes someone forever and there will be times when you wish you can go back to how things used to be but you just can't because things have changed so much. Sometimes I think that if I wasn't so good at pretending to be happy, I'd be better at actually being happy. I quit, I give up, nothing's good enough for anybody else, it see... when I’m all alone its best way to be. When I'm by myself nobody else can say good-bye. Everything is temporary anyway. I have a tendency to hurt myself physically, when I'm hurting inside. Every night before I go to sleep I lie on my bed and stare up at my blank walls. I try to imagine the future, but right now it's as blank as those walls. All I can see is a past that I barely recognize any more. I don't want the world to see me, because I don't think that they'd understand. Look at me. You may think you see who I really am, but you'll never know me. There's a smile on my face but I don't know why it's there... I put it on to satisfy all the people that don't even care. I'm often silent when I am screaming inside. The deepest people are the ones who've been hurt the most. Someone once asked me, 'Why do you always insist on taking the hard road?' I replied, 'Why do you assume I see two roads? Wear a mask that grins and lies, it hides our cheeks and shades our eyes. The debt we pay to human guile, with torn and broken hearts, we smile. Sometimes I feel like nobody has held me down and forced me to cry or made me hug them, or seen to the inside of me. I just say 'oh I'm fine' and walk away. Nobody's ever said to me 'no, you're not'. Some people try to understand, but nobody can know what living like this is like. So drop the little razor, and pick up your life, forget all the bad things, the pain and the strife. I'm not my usual self being quiet and lonely isn't 'me' crying all night, acting all day this isn't how it's supposed to be. In the end, music is your only friend. What's the point in screaming? No one is listening anyway. Everyone sees who I appear to be but only a few know the real me, you only see what I choose to show there's so much behind my smile you just don't know. They say you need to pray, if you want to go to heaven. But they don't tell you what to say when your whole life has gone to hell. The only thing standing between me and total happiness is reality. There is something beautiful about all scars of whatever nature. A scar means the hurt is over, the wound is closed and healed, done with. Our scars have the power to remind us that the past is real. In that one instance I hated everyone in my life, everyone and everything, and me most of all. I'll fake all the smiles, if it stops all the questions. Behind this innocent smile of mine, lay words left unsaid. Words of longing, love, anger, and hate, all repeated inside my head. I've been a loser all my life. I'm not about to change. If you don't like it, there's a door. Nobody made you stay. Be patient and tough; some day this pain will be useful to you. I smile on the outside, and everyone thinks I'm doing fine but I'm always dying inside, always one step away from the edge you know? I always hope there'll be someone smart enough to see through me but you're all so stupid. If you die you're completely happy and your soul somewhere lives on. I'm not afraid of dying. Total peace after death, becoming someone else is the best hope I've got. If you hold back your feelings because you are afraid of getting hurt, you end up hurting anyway. Not all scars show. Not all wounds heal. Sometimes you can't always see the pain someone feels. Just because some people don't cry, doesn't mean they're not suffering. I do it to myself... and that's why it really hurts. I used to have many faults, now I have only two - everything I say and everything I do... Those who say sunshine brings happiness have never danced in the rain. I am not what I ought to be, not what I want to be, but I am thankful that I am better than I used to be... I'm not afraid of the gun in my hand, I'm not afraid of dying, I'm just afraid of the pain it will bring, and to see my best friends crying. Are you running away from something you don't want? Or running away from something you're afraid to want? It is a truth universally acknowledged that the moment one area of your life starts going okay, another part of it falls spectacularly to pieces. If I would kill myself tonight, who would remember me tomorrow? Everybody knows that something's wrong but nobody knows what's going on. These scars are creases. Trace the scars to fit the pieces to tell your story, you don't need to say a word. Someday I'll fly away. I can't get my wrists to bleed, just don't know why suicide appeals to me. I cry then I cut, then I cry again, it never ends. I was lost. There was nobody for me to talk to about all that you were troubling me with. So I sat alone, with everything inside, and cried myself to sleep. When you talk about feelings, words were too stiff, they were this and not that, they couldn't include all the meanings. In defining, they always left something out. The skin of a scar is stronger than the original, less aware of pain... Self-injury is a sign of distress not madness. We should be congratulated on having found a way of surviving. When I cut myself, I feel so much better. All the little things that might have been annoying me suddenly seem trivial because I'm concentrating on the pain. You see him sitting there and you think "he's so sad" but its not that he's sad, he's simply given up on pretending to be happy, he's tired of getting up every morning and putting on his fake smile, telling himself "today will be better". He doesnt want to be an inconvenience or a bother anymore...He has stopped looking for the light switch in the dark room he calls his life. In reality, I'm slowly losing my mind. Underneath the guise of smile, gradually I'm dying inside. Friends ask me how I feel and I lie convincingly. Cause I don’t want to reveal the fact that I'm suffering. So I wear my disguise till I go home at night and turn down all the lights and then I break down and cry. Cutters are living proof that when the body is ravaged the soul cries out and when the soul is trampled upon, the body bleeds. Do you ever lay in bed at night hoping you wake up in the emergency room and hear the words "She’s not going to make it?" First time I cut was just to feel the pain, Strange because I didn't feel a thing. It wasn't because I wanted to die, I just wanted the pain to finally stop. I have to cut because it's the only way I can smile. Please don't blame yourself for any of the stupid **** that I choose to do. None of this is your fault. I'm the one who makes these bad decisions so im the one who pays the consequences. Life and death are balanced on the edge of a razor. How can you hide from what never goes away? Let the blood run down your arms then try and tell me everything's okay. Cutting doesn't solve anything or take the pain away, but for those few seconds everything is Okay... Some times in stead of cutting an X on my wrist I make a cross so that the Lord can forgive me for destroying my body, and I also pray that the pain stops as the blood slowly drips onto my sheets. Crimson tears run down my arm, All the pain and all the harm. My only way to let it out, I wanna scream, I wanna shout. But I don’t make a sound, I keep it inside. I wanna break out, but instead I hide. I sit in my room, and hide in my shell, The feelings that I feel, my own private hell. The crimson tears, down my arm they run. I look down at my arm, what have I done? There is nothing sadder than someone who has barely seen the world, yet who has seen enough of it to know that they don't wish to be a part of it... You're scared because you don't understand... I'm scared because I do. “I'm okay...” isn't that what I'm supposed to say? How will you know I am hurting, If you cannot see my pain? To wear it on my body Tells what words cannot explain.

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2-am-indallas-blog · 7 years ago

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no passcode

I wake up to the sound of the shower starting. It’s so early I notice the sun isn’t awake. It’s always so sad to wake up like this when I know he’s leaving to go to work. I don’t know when ill see him again. Its either days or months with him. Were inconsistent like that. I turn to his side, it’s still warm in my bed where he sleeps. I can still smell him on my pillows. My mouth moves into a smile. I’m happy he’s here with me. were better than we’ve ever been. My eyes are still open. I’m watching the reflection in the window showing me his shadow moving in my shower curtain. That’s when his phone lights up. its inches away from my face buried in the sheets. as if I was supposed to do what I did.

I’ve never looked through it before. I’ve thought about it a few times. I’ve always been to scared. I used to know I’d find something, I didn’t want to see. This time I thought, there can’t be anything. He’s showing me more of himself than ever before. He’s calling me. asking me more questions. he’s telling me more about him. he’s being sweet. Showing he cares. He’s got a toothbrush here now. He holds me and tells me he’s happy.

I think about how far into him I am right now. What if something went wrong, it would hurt more than I’ve known it to before. Were too far in for me now. If something were to happen my heart would surely break. I wouldn’t be able to handle it.

I pick it up. I need to know it’s not all in my head. He’s starting to let me love him now. I want to make sure I can trust it. what are the chances he doesn’t have a passcode.

He didn’t

My heart skips

I open his messages

My heart splits a little

I see her messages above mine. Above where he was just telling me he was here. he was texting her in my home

My heart breaks apart

I read what he wrote

My heart shatters into pieces smaller than the way he makes me feel

he talks to her in a way he doesnt even talk to me

The words I’m reading make me sick

I read it all. In just a few minutes. My body is hot. I’m not tired anymore. Furious. I feel fire in my eyes. I’m crying. My throat closes

The shower turns off

I put his phone down.

How could I be so wrong. I’m devastated. My hands are gripping down so hard. Everything in me is trying not to imagine I’m strangling his neck. I need to calm down. If I let myself scream, it’s pointless. Instead I pretend that everything is fine. I make the decision this will be the last time I’ll see him. there’s no going back from what I read. Take it in. it’s the last time.

He comes over to me, he’s still wet. This is when he usually kisses me on my cheek. Instead, he kisses my mouth. “I know you’re not sleeping” my eyes open, they are still wet, hurting. He wipes a tear away and asks what’s wrong. I tell him I’m tired and yawn. I try to make it look like that’s why. He sits back and squints, he doesn’t believe me. “are you sure?” I nod and close my eyes again. It was enough to make him stop questioning me. I watch him get ready for the day, he looks so good. He catches me looking a few times and smiles. He wishes me a good day, tells me hell see me later, kisses me again. I hear the door shut and I give him a few seconds to make it down the stairs. I get out of bed and run to the window.

I watch his car drive away

For the last time

I know I can’t keep doing this

I tell myself

This is it

Tears start streaming down my face. My head hurts. I’m screaming. My eyes go dark. My skin is hot. My neck falls. I collapse to the ground.

My roomate comes running to me

She doesn’t say a word

She knew he was going to kill me

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makegay-blog · 8 years ago

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1)Are you really ready for 108 questions? sure 2) Was your last real relationship a mistake? it was on movie star planet so yeah 4) Who did you last say “I love you” to? my boyfriend 5) Do you regret it? no 6) Have you ever been depressed? 😎👉 7)Are you a boy or girl? girl 8)Who is your best friend? my og squad 9) What is your relationship status? taken owo 10) How do you want to die? rich and famous so i can have my body frozen 11) What did you last eat? wonton soup 12) Played any sports? basketball for awhile a long time ago 13) Do you bite your nails? yeah lmao kill me 14) When was your last physical fight? when i was a sperm and i was fighting off the other sperm to reach my moms egg 15) Do you have an attitude? hell yeah 16) Do you like someone? yeah 17) What is your real name? sophia elizabeth (question number 18 doesnt exist um???) 19) Are you gonna get high later? high on lifE 20) Do you hate anyone at the moment? myself 21) Do you miss someone? yeah 22) Twirl or cut your spaghetti? twirl because im Italian and not a savage 23) Do you tan a lot? i tan but not on purpose 24) Have any pets? 2 cats, 1 dog, 2 fish, and a turtle 25) How exactly are you feeling? uhhh,, tired ? 26) Ever eaten food in a car while someone or yourself is driving? yeah? 27) Ever made out in the bathroom? not to my memory 28) Would you take any of your exes back? yeah lmao movie star planet girl hit me up 29) Are you scared of spiders? ye 30) Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? hell yeah 31) Do you regret anything from your past? most of it 32) What are your plans for this weekend? its almost over but im just gonna watch sherlock and do homework 33) Do you want to have kids? maybe 34) Did you ever kiss someone whose name starts with an M? no 35) Do you type fast? eh 36) Do you have piercings? just my ears 37) Want any more? yeah my cartilage 38) Can you spell well? not at all 39) Do you miss anyone from your past? ye 40) What are you craving right now? death 41) Ever been to a bonfire party? ye i held it 43) Have you ever been on a horse? yeah 44) Kissed someone in a pick up truck? no 45) Have you ever broken someone’s heart? i hope not 46) Have you ever been cheated on? no 47) Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry? yeah i suck 49) Would you live with someone without marrying them? definitely 50) What should you be doing? homework 51) What’s irritating you right now? my sister 52) Have you ever liked someone so much that it hurts? yeah rip 53) Does somebody love you? yeah, and i love them back 54) What is your favorite colour? yellow or dusty pink 55) Have you ever changed clothes in a vehicle? yes?? i think 57) Do you have trust issues? kinda 60. Do you have a good relationship with your parents? i guess. im not open about stuff but we dont fight really 62) Do you believe your most recent ex thinks about you? no?? they were 10 63) Who was the last person you cried in front of? my boyfriend 64) Do you give out second chances too easily? depends but i mostly i give people like 14th chances 65) Is it easier to forgive or forget? forgive but im bad at it 66) Is this year the best year of your life? its up there 67) What was your childhood nick name? sophie, soap, fifi 68) Have you ever walked outside completely naked? not to my knowledge 70) Do you believe everything happens for a reason? no everything is fake um 71) What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night? 😏😏😏😏 im kidding tho i stalked this one girls instagram 73) What is bothering you? my own existence 74) Have you ever been out of your state? ye 75) Do you play the Wii? wii sports bitch 76) Are you listening to music right now? nah 77) Do you like Chinese food? i just had it like an hour ago 78) Do you know your fathers birthday? yeah?? 79) Are you afraid of the dark? a little 80) Is cheating ever okay? no, like i get why people do it but its shitty 81) Are you mean? yeah tf im the worst 82) Can you keep white shoes clean? noo 84) Do you believe in true love? ??kinda?? i dont really believe there is only one person for everyone 88) Do you like the outside? eh sometimes 89) Are you currently bored? ye 90) Do you wanna get married? yeah 91) Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby? if its the right person 92) Are you hungry? nah im really full 93) Have you ever made out for more than a half hour straight? probably i wasnt counting um 94) What makes you happy? my boyfriend and monster factory 95) Would you change your name? my last name 96) Ever been to Alaska? i wanna but no 98) Do you watch the news? yeah i like the news (not fox tho that pisses me off) 99) What’s your zodiac sign? scorpio 100) Do you like Subway? yeah i go there sm the people there know me 101) Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed? no? but hes like miles away so 102) Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? cry and pretend it didnt happen prob. or if i like them back then???? 103) Do you talk like your friends? yeah its disgusting 104) Have you ever seen someone you knew & purposely avoided them? everyday uh 105) Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around? i guess 106) who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to? my dad or my boyfriend idfk oop 107) Does it matter if your boyfriend/girlfriend smokes? its their lungs they are giving cancer. also im not going to make out w/ them so 108) Can you count to one million? i guess Nominate: 25 or more friends no

#tag #here

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