#so this isn't me forcing myself basically but like... I do have The Big Sad so Sims it is

[brick-van-dyke]

Me: I'm gonna write when I get home

Also me: I'm feeling A Bit Sad so I'm gonna play Sims instead

[inbabylontheywept]

So: You have depression.

I'm 27 now. The last time I had a major depressive episode was when I was 16. I still have depressive episodes every now and then, but the worst tend to be a month, and most I can generally get through them in about a week. It took me a while to kind of figure out how to handle depression as a recurring thing, and so I thought I'd make a little welp-I-got-diagnosed-now-what guide.

So, first part of the guide: When I first got depressed, I thought that depression was the terrible, sad hopeless feeling that I had. It isn't. That terrible sad hopeless feeling is a symptom of prolonged depression. By the time I get to that point, I'm pretty well cooked and it takes a lot longer to bounce back. Avoiding getting to that point is a vital part of living with depression.

So what does depression feel like?

I am going to hammer this point home a lot of times while writing this: Depression is an anesthetic. It is not felt as a presence, but as an absence. The first absence, for me at least, is when life stops being fun. Every movie feels boring, I can't get more than a few pages into any book, and everything just seems... bland.

This is the best point to catch it at. I have found that consumptive patterns of entertainment do not do anything to help depression. Some people have told me that producing art at this time really helps them, but personally, I can't imagine trying. Instead, I just do tasks that I know inspire physical satisfaction. Which sounds like jerking off (I don't actually reccomend that route) but really means things like: Going for a walk in the sunshine. Working out. Cleaning the house in a fairly exhaustive way. Scrub the baseboards, wash the sink, clear the fridge, etc.

I recognize that doing those is really, really hard while depressed because depression causes physical weakness and exhaustion. The best I can do is, unfortunately, encourage vigillance. If you suspect you're getting into a funk, start on this before you get really deep into the mire. People that get into the mire can get out, but it's not self-help read-a-book type shit, it takes therapy and medication and patience and it is so much easier and cheaper and faster to just avoid letting it get that bad then crawling out once it's sunk its teeth into you.

I have found that for things that work almost by exposure alone, spending time in the sun and talking to people are borderline magical, with the caveat that talking to people about being depressed tends to make things worse instead of better. Talking about anything that cuts through the anesthetic of depression is ideal, or if it's sunk in deep enough that you're having trouble finding anything, talking to someone else about what they're passionate about. Ideally, you'd find someone passionate about a thing you know you're passionate about but are struggling to enjoy right then, and then you'd just let your mirror neurons run amok. Bonus Points

So, you're already depressed. Like, pretty fucking depressed, and you fucked up, and you let it slide. What then?

This is my I-Fucked-Up-And-Got-Big-Sad, Salvage-My-Weekend, depression routine. You'll need to make one for yourself at some point, and yours will work better for you, but this is mine and I think it'll work okay-ish for you. Until you get your own, at least.

I have to get up before 10 am. Staying in bed later than that gives the depression such a huge head start on my day that I just basically can't catch up. If I can't just brute force get myself out of bed, I will throw my blankets and sit cold on my sheets until that gives me the motivation I need. If I cannot work up the guts to throw my blankets, I will actually roll off the bed, flop gracelessly onto the floor, and then stare wistfully up until I can will myself to stand. It helps that every bedroom I've had either had freezing cold tile, or itchy coarse carpet. If you have a comfy floor, maybe buy a very scratchy rug? I cannot emphasize how important this step is. It's like, half of the whole thing.

After getting up, immediately go outside and sit in the sunshine. This provides free executive function, and getting it ASAP will make everything go much smoother.

Talk to someone while outside. If you have a roommate, they work great. Face to face conversations tend to be the best, but phone calls with loved ones are like at least 80% as effective. Calls to family members tend to be better than in face conversations with acquaintances or people you're mostly ambivalent about. Don't do chat messages. Worse than nothing.

This should have scrounged up enough free energy that you can clean something. I always start by trying to clear a part of my counter off. If that's all I got, that's all I got, and I still feel good about it. If that inspires me to do more, I'll run with it until a whole room is up to snuff. I don't do more than one room while I'm this crispy: The goal is not really to clean the house, but to work through a series of tasks that require some initial level of executive function but provide a larger amount back once completed. Life has a lot of these deals that are like, give me $10 and I'll give you $12, give me $12 and I'll give you $20, on and on, and the hard part is really just getting the $10. Some people wake up with $10. Most days, you will wake up with $10. But not when you're like this. You're gonna have to earn it. I'm sorry.

I am going to reiterate: This is what I do when I feel a funk coming on. My life and my schedule are not always this regimented. Living with depression doesn't mean never sleeping until 10, or having a weekend where you don't talk to someone, or take a break from cleaning. Living with depression just means never, ever, leaning into the depression when you feel it coming on. Even when it starts out feeling cozy. Even when you want to just snuggle into it and sleep and sleep and sleep. The first day or two will feel luxurious, and the next week will feel terrible, and the longer you wait the harder it will be to get out. You are always going to have to worry about that. Again, I'm really, truly sorry.

Bonus Bonus Points

I am not a psychologist, but I do have a theory about why depression exists. Remember how I said it's anesthetizing? I think that's what it's there for - getting rid of emotional pain when it isn't being helpful. People often get depressed after a major injury. Boredom is normally nature's way of punishing you for just curling up and doing nothing, but depression can be the emergency override on boredom. It makes sense for you to sit still and do nothing while your body is healing, so maybe nature temporarily removes all your motivation with depression and then just lets you be a limp noodle until you're healthy again. Maybe?

Back to the emotional level, though, depression might also be a way to muffle pains that would otherwise be so intense that people might not remain in control of the faculties. The pain of losing a parent is notorious for driving people so mad with pain that they ruin their lives, but depression is there to at least try and keep us sedated until the nadir has passed.

It is helpful to know what the purpose of depression is, because you will eventually get it from an "intended" cause, and reflexively fighting it then probably isn't good for you. And at the very least, knowing why this stupid thing exists makes the world feel like less of a cruel place.

There are a lot of interesting studies on the physical effects of depression - things like muscle weakness, increased pain tolerance, muscle relaxation, etc. that I won't go into, but it does so many things at once that it almost doesn't feel like a fuck up, but a feature that we just kind of lost the plot on. Not gonna deep dive on it, but it is something that probably shouldn't be confined to just a mental disorder.

[harrystylesfan2686]

Pieces Part 3

Pairing: Azriel x Reader

Summary: the aftermath of the break up has different effects on both, Azriel and Reader.

A/N: yall I'm sick🥲 the updates might be late but I'll try to post as much as possible. Hope you like this one!

Pieces Masterlist

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It's been one month.

One month of Healing.

When azriel left, I told myself that I will not contact him until I'm ready. Doesn't matter how much I'm missing him or wanting him. I will not talk to him until I know I won't take him back the second I see him again.

I gave myself two days. Two days to sulk all I wanted. I spent the whole time crying and feeling miserable about myself. Before Az left at least, I wasn't by myself. At least I saw him once a day.

Now? Nothing.

I am totally alone. His absence hit me Hard. Everything I saw, almost brought me to my knees.

The kitchen where we would make dinner together, laughing and joking with each other that many times ended with us covered in flour and syrup.

The couch where we would sit cuddling and talking until we fell asleep, always waking up with strained muscles.

His office where he would sit on his chair in front of his desk, writing out reports and whatnot while I sit in his armchair reading my book. Just enjoying each others company and occasionally taking breaks to make out on the very deck, and then some.

After those dreadful days though, I called Feyre and Mor and had a very much needed girls night. We took out a wine bottle and I spilled everything to them. My mind was too drunk to think my feelings about Elain might offend Feyre but she genuinely felt sad for me and embarrassed about her sister. The poor girl even apologised to my about Elain's behavior to which I immediately told her it wasn't her fault.

When I told them how lonely it got being alone in a big house like this, they suggested maybe I should get a job or something to keep my mind distracted and promised that they'll visit me often. So I did juat that.

I found a part time job at a local library. I have to admit, I'm really enjoying it. I'm the second assistant to the sweetest lady, Hilda, who owns the shop. I don't do much, just help her in small things like adjusting books on self or helping in shipping books out or in. Layla, the first assistant, handles most of the work around the shop. My job is basically doing what she asks of me. The salary isn't much but I don't care because it's never been about money.

The first week was very hard. Everyday after I came home, the silence felt like a slap on the face, reminding me of everything I lost.

But, slowly, I became comfortable with it. Now it's doesn't hurt me as it did before.

There were many times when I think of Azriel, tears filled my eyes, but I never let them free. I sucked them in and did anything else that didn't made me cry, like taking baths, baking my favorite chocolate brownies, reading in front of the fire place while drinking hot coco or calling my friends to take me shopping.

And as time went. I started to heal. I started to feel good, happier with myself. And without even realizing it, I started to love myself.

-☆-

Azriel

It's been one month.

One month of regretting everything I did to my mate.

I've spent my whole month sulking in this room, crying and regretting everytime I chose Elain over my wife. I haven't slept at all since I came here, just enough to keep me functioning. My appetite is gone. I don't eat unless Rhys come and force feeds me like I'm some baby.

I told Rhysand and Cassian everything the first morning i stayed here. Which earned me a flick to head by Cassian and a very disappointed look from Rhys. Even though they didn't give me any scolding(which I very much deserved), the flick and expression said enough.

Rhys has refrained me of any work, handling it himself or having someone else do it. While I have been sitting around here and hating myself. It seems like even my mind has declared itself an enemy, showing me memories of everytime I dismissed Y/N and hurt her in any way at most random times, cutting a deeper cut in my heart everytime.

"Hey Az, I was thinking if we could go out for dinner tonight? There is this new amazing restaurant I saw while walking near Sidra. I really want to try it." She told me as I put on my coat, ready to go.

"I can't, I have a mission for today. Rhys told me it's important so I can't skip. We'll go some other time. Okay?"

"Ok."

I could hear the excitement in her voice when she asked me and the hurt when I rejected her and promised to go another time. The time never came. She never asked again. And I never noticed.

"Az, are you awake?" She whispers in the dead of night. Both of us sleeping on the bed. My back to her, hoping to fall asleep quickly because I have early training tomorrow.

Cassian is spending time with Nesta more, so Rhys has told me to go to an illyrian camp to check how things are going. I have to wake and go there early to catch them off guard to see what's truly going on.

I can't do that if Y/N doesn't let me sleep.

I didn't answer her that night, hoping if i dont respond, she'll think im asleep and doesnt call me again. She really didnt call me again. I prioritized my sleep over her. Her voice sounded so small. She needed me. And I didn't care.

"So, I saw a really cute baby in garden today and..." I drone out her babbling and try to quickly I can get out of here, I promised Elain to help in her garden today. She'll be disappointed if I show up late.

"Az? You're listening to me right?" She suddenly questions, I clear my throat and answer a small, of course, she nods and takes a deep breath, not saying anything anymore. I sign in relief of the silence.

I put my head in my hands and tug hard on my hair, wanting to feel hurt, hurt the kind that she clearly felt and I didn't care.

I hate myself more and more as memories flash through my mind. I can't even cry at this point. I wished she'd hit me when we fought. Slaped and paunched some sense into me. I don't blame her at all for not talking to me. Gods, I wouldn't even blame her if she left me. I deserve it.

How do I fix this?

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Taglist: @cleverzonkwombatsludge @crazylokonugget @going-through-shit @wallacewillow0773638 @kalulakunundrum @cat-or-kitten

[oh-koenig-my-koenig]

returning home

(cw: age gap 26/41; nsfw, mdni, smut, a bit of angst and drama, fluffiness and a lot of tears)

the part before: it's the parts of König that she didn't see

a/n: i'm sorry, this got a bit out of hand :') over 9k words, buckle in, we're in for a ride

I have been a mess those past four months. This has been the worst breakup of my life. I mean, not that I had that many partners before. And the only one I still sometimes cry after is my highschool sweetheart.

But this… we weren’t even an official thing. König and I spent a lot of time together in those few weeks, yes. But we never even clarified if we were in a relationship or not. Dating. Being exclusive. And sure, I was basically living at his place after only a week of knowing each other. But that didn’t mean anything in retrospect. Apparently.

You can’t really call in sick for a broken heart and I wasn’t able to leave my bed for a few days. Sleeping a lot, listening to all the sad love songs, barely eating. Until my mom came by, basically kicking me off my mattress. Forcing me – in a loving way – to get a grip and not mope around like a heartbroken mess.

The worst part was when I found one of his hoodies in between my stuff, I must have accidentally packed it with my clothes when I got everthing together, and it still smelled like him. It doesn't anymore because I have been wearing it nonstop when I'm at home. Not outside though, because the piece of clothing looks ridiculous on me with how big it is compared to my size. I could fit myself in there three times and the hem falls over my knees. If I press my face into the fabric, I still pick up hints of his scent. At least that’s what I tell myself.

The marks on my body faded too. The hickeys he left on my skin becoming fainter by each day, until they were gone.

I looked at all the pictures we took together. Well, more like, I took them and König is also in them. And the selfies we sent each other. The only ones I didn't keep were the filthy ones, because it felt wrong, so I deleted them. But I didn't have the heart to do that to the pictures of us, the ones that carried the memories. And it stopped hurting as much over time. At least that’s what I tell myself.

Lying in bed. The one he bought and we built together, because he broke mine. It's unfair, really, because he is gone and I can't escape him still. Repeating his words to me in my mind.

You should be with someone your age.

It never had been a topic for me, not something I would've spent a second thought on, at least not like this. But apparently, it had been on his mind.

Someone who can promise you that they'll come back every time.

And in the back of my mind there is still the little voice that wishes that he would just have had the guts to be with me. Despite the possibility of him not coming back in one piece, leaving me to mourn him. Because like this, he isn't in my life either. And I still worry about him, because there is no way for me to know that he still is in this life.

He didn't even want to hear my side of things. Or maybe he wanted to, but I was just too blindsided by it all, frozen in place as he “broke up” with me.

Afterwards, when I thought about what he said, I wanted to scream. To shout at him. Even if I could never really do that. I wanted to grab him by the shoulders and shake him and ask him, what the fuck he was thinking. Why the fuck he was thinking that.

Fuck. I’m so sorry, Liebes.

His apologies didn’t help either. Because I wanted to be mad at him. I was mad at him, and I still am. At least that’s what I tell myself.

Because even though I get it - I get what he was telling me - I still don’t fully understand.

And I remember the look on his face as he was crouched before me. When it became painfully clear that I couldn’t read him.

I never meant for this to go this far or… this deep.

Well, I didn’t either. But it did. And he left, even though he felt the same way. Or at least so I thought.

After a few weeks I finally feel better. I’m okay with how it is. That’s what I tell myself.

Not at all ready to go out on dates again. Not that there is any rush. Not that there had been that many occasions, but still. The thought alone of being with somebody that's not him…

I get back to work, meet my friends, hang out with my family, and when they ask me how I’m doing, I can convincingly tell them I’m okay.

Almost every night the thing on my mind before I fall asleep is him. Nothing, but him, and how I wish he was lying right next to me. I still just want him to come back.

And I know I’m not making any sense. It’s just gonna take some more time to get over this.

When I wake up one morning and see the messages on my phone, I don't even realize what they mean at first.

I'm coming back tomorrow I don't deserve you, but if there's any chance that you'd want to see me again... I’m landing at the airfield in [REDACTED], at 1130 I'm sorry, and I understand if you've moved on or maybe we can talk sometime this week if you're busy whatever works for you or maybe you don’t want to talk to me at all which is fine as well, of course just let me know in Liebe, König

I blink, reading the messages over and over again. The little incoherent ramble until it finally clicks. He's coming back.

I groan, putting the phone away, hiding my face in my hands. Contemplating what I should do as the possibility of seeing him again churns in my stomach. And all the emotions come flooding back, tears pricking in the corner of my eye. God damn it.

Men and women are disembarking from the aircraft and I crane my neck, looking for him.

I’ve been waiting here for some time cause they were running late. And I’m not the only one, there are quite a bunch of people waiting. Probably families and partners? They all seemed relaxed, at least more relaxed than me.

I’m hopping from one leg to the other, my hands feel a little clammy as I knead them. And honestly, I’m a little nauseous.

More people in gear than I would have thought come off the plane, meeting up with their relatives, mingling with each other or just leaving.

I already fear that I completely misunderstood his messages, but that couldn’t have been possible, right? Maybe I shouldn't have come here, and just told him I’ll see him some time this week, maybe I shou-

Two more figures emerge from the cargo hold, coming down the ramp. I don’t recognize the man on the right, but the one on the left…

Beige cargo-pants, protectors on the knees and shins. A simple longsleeved shirt, black of course, and a bulletproof vest. Gloves and more protectors on his arms. The band of bright red beads around his wrist.

The mask, the hood fashioned out of simple fabric, red streaks down underneath the eyeholes, held in place by the helmet atop his head. Hiding his face away.

Fuck.

I only saw a picture of him in gear once, when he showed me, but I still would have recognized him instantly. His tall build, the attitude with which he carries himself, gives him away. This get-up can’t hide it.

He stills. Frozen in place, and from the distance I can’t make out anything.

I just stand there, unsure if he already saw me. And I lift my hand, just a little wave, before I drop it again.

Shit, maybe I should have told him that I was coming.

But then he starts running towards me. A slight jog at first, his strides getting longer with every step. I can’t just stand here either, my legs almost moving on their own.

Dropping the bag that hung over his shoulder. His gloved hands are fumbling with his helmet, until he gets it off, just throwing it away, and pulling of the mask too, and when I see his face for the first time in month, I feel tears prick in the corner of my eyes. Running a little faster, only a few meters between us now. The skin around his eyes is smeared with eyeblack, his long hair is clinging to his head, as he also gets rid of the balaclava, just pushing it down, so it sits around his neck, and then…

He stops, just a step before me, not to run me over, but I don’t, jumping up, jumping into his arms, the full impact of my body against his not moving the big guy a little bit. I’m clinging onto his shoulders as he catches me in his embrace. I’m burying my face in his neck, and when his scent hits my nostrils, a little sharper than usual, gunpowder and sweat mixing with his warm soothing scent, the tears flow free, staining his balaclava, wetting his cheeks. Sobs are shaking me as he presses me against him, my legs hugging around his waist.

“I missed you so fucking much.”, he says, his deep voice shaky, and I can’t even answer because it just makes me cry more. “Ssssh, Liebes. Don’t cry.”, he tries to comfort me, but hearing his favourite term of endearment only lets the tears flow freely. “I didn’t wanna make you cry.”

“To-oo late for - that.”, I press out between two sobs.

“I’m so sorry, fuck.”, he sighs, his arms closing even tighter around me. “I don't know how I will ever make it up to you.” His gloved hand is softly caressing down my back.

“I missed you too.”, I finally manage to say, my voice thick with tears, pressing myself against him, and I never wanna let go.

But I need to pull back, only a little, just to look at him again. Touch him. Convince myself that this is real.

My vision is blurred, but that’s still him, his face so close to mine. His gaze intently on me, while one of my hands grabs him, my fingers caressing over his jaw, the stubble a little longer than I’m used to, the smudged black colour around the eye area making him look a little different. He leans into my palm, the eyebrows pulling up and the tension melting away.

His hand cups mine, his thumb softly caressing over it, such soft touches and another small sob is shaking me.

“I don’t want to overstep anything.”, he whispers. “But I would really like to kiss you.”

And I nod, not able to speak the words yet. And before he can lean in, I already press my lips to his. When my mouth meets his, and I taste the saltiness of my tears intermingling with his scent, the wave of relief that floods me is indescribable.

It's as soft as I remember, something that always surprised me. How soft his kisses are.

The way his lips press against mine, like he's searching for something, tasting me. Nipping at my lower lip, his nose rubbing against mine. His stubble scratching over my skin as he tilts his head.

He presses kisses to the corner of my mouth, my cheeks, my nose. All over my face, slowly drying up my tears, and I take a deep breath, calming myself down. He really is back.

When I finally take a look around, I realise that we’re off to the side a bit, but not that far away from the others on the tarmac, so… this must be quite the spectacle for his colleagues and the people who waited for them. Some of them are in tight hugs or talking with the civilians, but some are also looking in our direction, every once in a while. I don't have any time to feel self-conscious though, about being a teary mess.

And the guy who disembarked the aircraft with König comes our way, a little hesitantly, but smiling at us both.

“Köni.”, he says in a deep, but friendly voice, omitting the g in his name.

“Horangi.”, König says, setting me down, but keeping me close by his side, and I wouldn’t have moved an inch away.

The man in front of us is dressed in green and beige camo, quite different from what the big guy is wearing except for the pants. A similarly coloured balaclava around his neck and sporty sunglasses on his head, sitting on top of it in his hair, complete the look.

“I heard so much about you.”, he says lightly, addressing me.

“You did?” My eyebrows shoot up, almost colliding with my hairline.

He nods, grinning, not fazed at all by the threatening stare from König. “Yes. Every time he drank just a little too much, he wouldn't shut up about you.”, Horangi says. “You did a number on the guy.”

I don't know what to say to that at first, honestly a little gobsmacked. “I did?”

“Yeah, yeah, now fuck off.”, König says to Horangi, patting the other man’s back, the frown on his face turning into a grumpy smile.

“See ya, Colonel.”, he says with a grin. “Enjoy your leave.”, adding a little joking salute, before stomping off.

I wave after him, confused for a moment. Colonel?

“Don't mind him.”, König grumbles as I turn to him again, but he doesn't look mad in the slightest bit. “He doesn't know how to behave sometimes.”

My arms closing around his waist, and he repositions me a bit, so the straps on his bullet proof vest don’t press into my cheek.

“So, you really did miss me.”, I say pulling him tighter. Not a question, a statement.

“I did.”, he answers almost solemn as he brushes a stray strand of hair out of my face.

Some of the soldiers are still standing around, talking to each other and the people around them, but I can’t make out what they’re saying.

“They’re still looking.”, I whisper to him, unsure what that means.

“Yeah, cause they’re all seeing my face.”, he whispers back, smiling down at me.

Right, the hood!

“Oh shit, I forgot about the mask thing.”, I say, my hand clasping over my mouth. “I didn’t mean to-”

“It’s fine.”, he says softly. “They'll survive seeing my face. And I will too.”

“Right, still.”

“Don’t worry about it. I asked you to come here.” He pauses for a moment. “More on a whim, cause I didn’t really think you actually would.”

I take a deep breath. “To be honest, until this morning I didn’t know either.” My eyes pan up to meet his. When I woke up, I knew that I wanted to see him. But only when I got into my car, I called into work to take a personal day off and instead drove here.

“I’m glad you did.”, he says, holding my gaze.

“Me too.”, I whisper back.

“Cause Horangi was right. I was miserable.”

Just like I was. “Really?”, I ask him again, almost soundlessly.

“I was fucking miserable without you.”, he repeats, picking me up again and pressing another kiss to my lips.

I think I don't wanna leave his embrace ever again. But we still have stuff to talk about. Stuff to sort out. And we really can't do that here.

Plus his kisses have their usual effect. As the emotional turmoil and tears dissipate, a familiar feeling spreads through my body, my lower belly tensing up.

“You’re here in your car?”, he asks quietly in between two more kisses. Getting more desperate.

“Yeah.”, I say. “I parked it around the corner.”

“Okay, you wanna get out of here then?”

I just nod, kissing him again, and his little hum against my lips lets tingles erupt all over me. Then we're out of here.

Not before picking up his helmet and hood that he shed on the way, me still in his arms, getting his duffle bag, and I can’t help the little giggle escaping me, because he refuses to set me down when he bends down. Carrying me like I weigh nothing, also not willing to leave my side even for a moment.

On the way to the car, it gets even a little more heated and I’m glad when we turn the corner, hiding away from other eyes.

He’s taking huge strides, heading right for my car, that he spotted in an instant, the small silver one.

My fingers are tangled in his hair, his hands grabbing my ass and thighs, and I pull the car key out my pocket and unlock it. He opens the car door, lying me down on the cushioned seat and I scoot back to make room for him.

Reminders flood my brain how we did it in the back of his car, much bigger than the Toyota I drive. It’s way too small for him, but that doesn’t stop us.

I push off my shoes and get my pants off quickly as he climbs in over me, his shoulders pressing up against the roof of the car, while he sheds his protectors and gloves and shuts the door behind him.

A moment later, I’m folded in half, my knees against my chest, the feet up in the air brushing against the frame of the car. His hands gripping my thighs, spreading me for him.

König is eating me out like a starved man, soft mewls and grunts dropping from his lips, the vibrations of them against my sensitive skin.

“Oh fuck.”, I groan.

His hair is falling over his face, but I just want to see him, brushing the strands back. His gaze burning into me as he looks up at me, the eyeblack giving him a rugged look.

Desperately licking me, my juices glistening all over the lower part of his face. The stubble that is longer than usual is scratching against the insides of my thighs, but I don’t care about that right now, in the contrary, the soft scratch right there makes me even hotter.

It’s him. in this get-up, a little different than I was used to, but it’s him.

When he slips his fingers into me, his lips closing around my clit, sucking on the sensitive bud, something that always made me lose my mind fast, and this is no exception.

The way he fills me up, his thick digits stretching me. His tongue working my pussy, knowing exactly what makes me cry out. His mouth wandering, littering my inner thigh with kisses and hickeys.

The bites and nibbles send shivers down my body, my hips rutting forward, pushing my pussy into him. His arm comes over tummy, holding me in place, so I can't escape his touches.

“Yes, please, just-”, I sigh, and I can feels how he curls his fingers inside me, hitting just the right spot.

I come around them, my cries a bit too loud in my own ears in the small space, and I almost bump my head into the car door behind me as he doesn’t let up, but dives in again. His tongue is toying with my clit, dragging over it, slow, broad licks, and my body shakes and convulses.

“König…”, I plead, my hand tangled in his hair.

He finally pulls back a bit, still lapping everything up, even putting his own fingers in his mouth. His lips closing around them, his lids fluttering for just a moment.

“You taste so fucking good, Kleine.”, he whispers, not breaking eye contact as he meticulously licks my arousal off them, and I can’t help the blush on my face, especially when his tongues darts through between them. Fuck.

Instead of an answer, I pull him into me, to kiss him again, tasting myself on his lips, my hands dropping to his belt, fumbling with the clasp. I want more. I want him.

“Wait.”, he says, his hand coming over mine, I can feel the lingering wetness on them, and I still for a moment. “Shouldn’t we like…”

“You…. don’t want to?”

"No, of course I do, Liebes… I just want to do it right, you know? Make it right. In a proper bed."

I pull one of my eyebrows up. He thinks about that now after eating me out. "We can still do that later, no worries."

"But- I-"

"Yeah, that's all really noble, but right now I just need you." I kiss him again. "So shut up and fuck me. Please.", I say, still fumbling with his belt.

“I don’t have any condoms with me.”, he says, still not helping me to get his gear off.

I pull up an eyebrow. “And?” We did it raw many times, why would it be…

"Did you not... You didn't...?", he stammers, his eyes searching mine.

And then it dawns on me. "If you're gonna ask, if I slept with somebody else in the meantime, I suggest you don't. Because I fucking didn't." Adding after a moment’s pause: “Did you?”

"Fuck, no.”, he answers without hesitation, but his whole body is still shaken with agitation. “Fuck, I'm sorry, I just-" His hand strokes through his hair, exasperated, straightening up a bit and almost hitting his head on the roof of the car.

"König."

He stills, his eyes on me again and I can see the turmoil in them.

"I didn't want anybody else, I just wanted you back.", I say, my voice a little shaky. "And now that I've got you back, I just need to feel you. We can talk and do all the other stuff after getting home, okay?"

Home. The word slipped over my lips before I could think about it. It's out there before I can take it back.

He doesn't move a bit, just looks at me incredulously, and my hand shoots out to grab him which pulls him from his thoughts.

“I do not fucking deserve you.”, he whispers, and then it all happens very quickly. Pulling the zipper down and getting his dick out, the tip slipping between my folds.

He doesn't wait a moment longer and we both groan in unison when he slides into me, and the familiar feeling floods me, the stretch deliciously making me squirm.

Yet my eyes don't leave his for even a moment, not daring to close them, in case this is still a dream and he did not really come back.

But when he grasps my chin, tilting it up and leaning down to press his lips to mine, the tears that have been welling up again roll down my cheeks, the wetness blurring my vision.

I wipe them away, aggressively, a little mad at myself that I just can't stop crying. “Fuck, just… I-” I sigh. “Those fucking tears.”

He’s not saying anything, his thumb brushing over my cheek, a soothing gesture. His lips are peppering kisses all over my face as he starts to fuck me, slowly and sweetly.

I look down to where we are connected, seeing him push into me, seeing and feeling his dick slip into me. As deep as he can go.

With the position I’m in, folded in half, my belly is bulging with every thrust, just a bit, but still. And when he bottoms me out, time after time after time, I inadvertently squeeze around him.

“Fuck, you feel so good.”, he groans.

He’s not fucking me fast, more hard and deep. The sound of skin against skin when his lap collides with the plush of my thighs, loud and quite heavy. And I’m underneath him, framed by his strong arms, holding onto them.

Every single one of his thrusts lets a moan slip out of me, especially with how his pubic bone is pressing up against my sensitive clit, over and over again.

My breath hits his face, the look on it still a little incredulous, the almost enamored smile.

His breath is getting heavier too, rattling grunts shaking his chest. I wanna feel them, I wanna feel his rapid heartbeat against my fingertips. My hand slips under his vest, the other one holding onto it. The soft fabric of his compression shirt is warm, feeling his heartbeat strum against the palm of my hand, as I look up at him. Back in one piece. Alive.

The telltale signs how close he is are written on his face. The breath that halts in his throat every so often. The way his jaw drops. His brows draw together, not his usual frown, the ever-present scowl. Ecstasy visible on his features. And his eyes pressing together, for just a moment.

Looking down at me again, he’s still fucking me, my knees pressed up against my chest, his propped-up arms carrying most, but not all of his weight. My fingers are grabbing his bulletproof vest, needing him closer. The buttons of his waistband and the belt pressing into my ass with every thrust.

But all those sensations get overtaken when my second orgasm washes over me abruptly, just holding onto him, and I can’t keep my eyes open anymore, when he doesn’t stop. The pushes of his hips, how he rolls them into me, getting a little more desperate, almost losing the rhythm, as I clench around him.

He’s buried deep inside me, filling me up when he comes, and groans drop from his lips. His face contorting in pleasure. I missed his stupid face, and apparently I also missed his O-face.

He takes a big breath, backing off a bit, giving me a moment to reposition my legs. When his dick slips out of me, I sigh, feeling a bit empty and the wetness against my stomach as it rests over it.

His big heavy body slumps over me, and we just stay like that for a while. Cheek to cheek. My arms around his neck, his hands softly caressing down my body.

Maybe I could even stay like this forever.

Again I remember the time we did it on the backseat of his car, that was much more spacious. Half an eternity ago. Only the second time we ever did it.

Softly kissing now and then. The little sounds and our breath the only thing in the calm silence around us, until he breaks it.

“Can I take you home?”

“Yes.”, I answer without hesitation. We still have some stuff to sort out, and we should get going.

He’s zipping himself up, I put on my pants again, his cum seeping into my panties now, but I don’t even care and get into the driver’s seat, the doors close behind us.

And for once he is in the passenger’s seat, my car still way too small for the big man. It’s almost ridiculous how his stature fills the car. He almost has to duck his head like this, even without the helmet, dwarfing the whole space.

I chuckle a little, put on some music and start driving.

“So Colonel, huh?”, I ask him, pulling an eyebrow up.

“Yeah.”, he says, scratching the back of his head. “I don’t know why I never told you.”

“It’s okay.”, I say. “I guess, that doesn’t really matter in the civilian life.”

“It doesn’t.”, he agrees. “But it also feels like I wasn’t fully honest with you. Which is shitty.”

I clasp my hand over his for a moment, squeezing his fingers. A little reassurance. I don't care about his rank cause it doesn't change anything anyway, and I also never bothered to ask.

“So, I wouldn't get in trouble for insubordination if I called you Sir and not Colonel?”, I ask him, teasingly.

His brows furrow, that certain look in his eyes like always when I was being bratty - and I missed that too.

“You won't.”, he grumbles.

I can't help the little laugh. “Good to know.”

I look to the side, and there he is. It’s him, even in this get-up, it’s him. In my car.

And he’s grinning back at me, not as bright as I was used to, but still. I shake my head as I look back onto the street. He really is back.

I pull into the driveway, the sight of his house alone pulling at my heartstrings. The heavy feeling hits me, the lightheartedness I felt before taking a little hit, even before turning the motor off, getting out the car and heading inside.

He unlocks the door and goes inside, putting down the duffle bag, as I follow him. I stand around a little unsure, taking my shoes off, before heading to the living room.

When I see the couch, I have to swallow my emotions down, not ready to cry again. The memories come rushing back and I just need a moment to take it all in.

Heavy steps behind me, warmth emanating from his body. His presence so tangible, even when he’s not touching me. I’m still so tuned into him.

And I turn.

God damn, I almost forgot how big he is. He fills the doorframe that has been fit to his height. His shoulders seeming even broader in his gear. His head almost grazing the top of the frame.

And I have to tilt my head back to look up at him. We just stand here for a moment.

“I need to shower.. you, uh-”, he starts.

“I’m just gonna wait here, okay?”

He nods. “Yes, of course.” He hands me his phone. “You wanna order something to eat in the meantime? For us.”

“I can do that.”

“Pick whatever you like.”, he tells me before rushing up the stairs with huge strides, taking his bag with him.

I sigh and take a seat at the dinner table we barely ever used. Not daring to sit on the couch like I usually would have.

Unlocking his phone, only clicking on the delivery app, of course. Searching for his favourite take-out place, the grill with the nice little garden out back.

Does he deserve it? I don't know, maybe not. But I'm not gonna be petty over food. I’m adding another dessert for myself, though.

After I placed the order, I put his phone away, picking up mine instead. Scrolling on the usual apps, waiting because I don't know what else to do. He’s taking longer than I’m used to for the shower. And I can feel myself getting a bit restless. My mind coming back to the things he said. When he broke up with me and then today when he came back.

Heavy steps are coming down the stairs, him emerging in a get up I’m more used to, a simple black shirt and shorts.

His hair is still a bit wet, clinging to him in strands. He’s freshly shaved too, the stubble he had before gone. And I can smell the clean and sharp tone of his after-shave when he walks up to me.

“Food will be here soon.”, I tell him, because I don’t know what else to say.

“Okay, thank you.”

“Your favorite.”

“You didn't need to do that.”

“I know.” I hand him back his phone. “And I didn't snoop through it or anything.”

He nods, acknowledging my comment. “I trust you.” He steps a bit closer, taking it. “But you wouldn't have found anything noteworthy either. My phone is embarrassingly empty.” He looks up from the device, to me, a lopsided wry smile adorning his face. “Mostly work emails and photos of you I couldn't bring myself to delete.”

“Yeah?”

He nods.

“What’s the other stuff?”

“Photos of Mimi.” His smile is turning into a grin.

“That little minx. I should have known.”, I say exasperated, but jokingly.

He’s still standing there, swaying from one foot to the other ever so slightly, and almost wanna tell him to just sit down.

“I thought about calling you. I just didn't know what to say.”, he says, his voice quiet. “I wasn't even sure you'd pick up.”

“I don't know if I could have handled talking to you over the phone.”, I say carefully, but honestly. I probably wouldn’t have picked up.

He just nods. “I understand.”

“I actually didn’t know what to think when you texted me.”, I continue. “It was a lot. After a few months of no bleep, no nothing.”

“I wanted to text you. I just chickened out every time.”, he says. “But Horangi kicked some sense into me.”

“Does he do that often?”, I ask, biting back a grin, when remembering the conversation with him earlier. How he basically snitched on him, painting the a bit pathetic picture of drunk König who missed me so much that he wouldn't shut up about me. After he broke up with me of his own volition.

He tilts his head to the side, grudgingly admitting: “Sometimes.”

“And we all need friends like that sometimes.”, I say.

He laughs a little and confesses. “Yeah, he actually helped me phrase the messages because I just didn’t know how I-” He breaks off. “I meant everything I said though.” His eyes find mine again. “I would've understood if you didn't have time or if you just didn't wanna see me. But I still had to try. And I meant it earlier, when I said that I’m glad you came.”

The look on his face, almost pleading. And I feel the same way, but being here with him still feels a little… overwhelming.

“I-”

The doorbell ringing disrupts our conversation. He turns and hurries to the door. I can hear him talk to the delivery person as I get up and hurry to the kitchen to get plates and cutlery.

We’re both coming back a few moments later, setting everything down on the dinner table, taking a seat next to each other. Opening up the containers of food, laying everything out. Loading our plates up, my stomach grumbling. I hadn’t eaten all day, too anxious and nervous. I dig in, taking spoonsfuls of the veggies with rice, and I feel how his eyes are on me, how he’s watching me.

I meet his eyes when he breaks the silence again.

“I missed your birthday, didn't I?”, he asks, but judging from the look on his face he already knows the answer.

“Yeah, a few weeks ago.”, I say, nodding.

“Now there's ‘only’ 15 years between us.”, he says, matter-of-factly.

“There are.”, I agree. “But it doesn’t matter. 15, 16, what’s the difference.”

“Yeah, you’re right.”

I put my fork down for a moment and just tell him outright what I have been thinking: “When I teased you, it was never about that. Our age difference never was an issue for me, you know. But I will never call you an old man again, if there is a chance that you will throw it in my face like that.” I pause. “Again.”

“I’m not gonna do that - again.”, he reassures me.

“Good.” I take a deep breath. “If I had known that this was plaguing you, I could have put your mind at ease. Or at least tried.”

“It’s not on you.”, he says with a sigh, his hand dragging over his face for just a moment, rubbing over his eyes. I can feel the frustration emanating off him. “I just- I tried to hide it.” Like he also tried to hide it when he had shit days. I wanna grab him by the shoulders and shake him.

“I figured. Because the whole… conversation came out of nowhere for me.”

“Yeah, I felt like such an asshole afterwards. I went about it the most blunt way. The whole thing anyway… it was a mistake.”, he continues, point-blank. “And I’m sorry for that.”

If we had this talk only weeks after he left, I would have been so mad still. The distance helped. It's also helping right now. Acknowledging that it had been a mistake, it doesn't make the "break up"-thing go away. But I feel like I still needed to hear that.

“It’s okay.”, I whisper.

He shakes his head. “It’s not.”, he says. “It wasn’t okay.”

“I know.” I reach for him, our fingers intertwining, my thumb softly caressing over the back of his hand. Our eyes meet and I can see his emotions in them, clearer than ever before. Not trying to hide them anymore. And I understand. A little smile stalks onto my face.

“Let’s just eat, okay?”

And I never have to tell him that twice.

After we finished up, he carries the plates and leftovers to the kitchen, refusing my help, and I finally take a seat on the big couch, slumping into the cushions.

König emerges in the doorframe, just standing there. Frozen in place. I put my phone down and for a moment we just look at each other. The same familiarity hits me, but the guilty look on his face tells me why he’s not moving an inch closer.

It's a bit ridiculous. We fucked, we ate together, we talked about some of the shit that went down. He apologized - again.

I softly pat the cushion beside me. “Come here.”

He’s taking a few steps, hesitatingly approaching and sitting down. But he stops there. I look up at him from the side, and I have never seen him so unsure. It's almost a little sweet.

Grabbing him, I pull him down to me and he just lets me. Positioning his head in my lap, cradling his face, and he lies down the feet dangling over the side of the couch. When my hand caresses over his chest, he sighs. Relaxing into the cushions. I can almost hear the weight drop from his shoulders as he melts into my touch. His hand clinging onto my arm. His brows turning up as he looks up at me.

For a moment we just sit in silence and I let the calmness flood me that his proximity brings. Playing with the long strands of his hair. Softly straightening out the waves that always form when they are freshly washed. Looking down at him.

“I don’t fucking deserve you.”, he whispers.

And there it is again. That sentence. It bothered me when I read it in the messages he sent. And then when he uttered them today.

I grab his face and make him look at me. Squishing his cheeks. “Don’t say that.”, I tell him, my voice trembling. “Don’t fucking say that.”

He stills, his eyes flitting between mine, his mouth dropping open a little.

“I didn’t- I…” I’ve almost never seen him speechless, but today every time I’ve said something that he seemingly didn’t expect he just looked at me like that.

“You think it's flattering or whatever. It’s not.”, I say, exasperated. “It’s like I’m on a fucking pedastal. It doesn’t make me fucking feel good, okay?”

“I’m sorry.”

I shake my head. I don’t need anymore “sorry”s from him. “You already thought that before you broke up with me, didn’t you?”

He hesitates for a moment before nodding. Silence between us as I only look at him, reading what’s in his eyes.

“Beating yourself up over this isn’t gonna make either of us feel better. I don’t want you to grovel like a beaten dog. I just want you to be honest with me what’s going on in this thick head of yours.” Tapping on said thick head.

“Yeah, you fucking hurt me by just dropping me off in my flat and fucking off because you thought it was the right thing for both of us. I don’t need you to think for me. I just need you to talk to me.” Damn, I’m laying into him right now, but I fear otherwise I’m not gonna get through the thickheaded stubborness.

“I didn’t mean to go over your head like I did. I was too in my own head already, so it was the only thing that made sense to me.”, he says as calmly as he manages. “I thought it was the right thing for you.”

“Because you didn’t deserve me anyways and I would be better off with someone else, right?”, I summarize. I can’t help but sound a little bitter. And I realise now that that was the thing that hurt me the most.

He nods again.

I feel the jab in my heart. Not knowing what to say to that. It's not nice to have the person you're with express the sentiment that you should be with someone else. Well, it’s pretty fucking far from nice.

He casts his eyes down, fidgeting with his wristband, not daring to look at me. And I can practically feel his self-deprecation prickling at my fingertips, the hand still lying on his chest, clearer than ever before.

“I thought I would be selfish to have you wait for me. And I realised that the opposite is true. I was a coward, I just fucking ran away.”, he sighs, and I can hear the shame in his voice.

His hand clasps over mine, squeezing my fingers.

“You did.”, I simply say.

“And it didn’t fucking solve anything.” He laughs, a barking joyless laugh. “For the first time in a long time it was worse without someone else, you know.” He pauses for a moment, finally looking up at me again. You don't need to be Sherlock to know who he's talking about.

I nod, swallowing back my emotions again, squeezing his hand back. “And it didn’t have to be like this.”

“Fuck. I know, I just- wanna kick myself every time I think about it.” An exhausted and frustrated sigh rising up from deep in his chest. “I don't know what I can say to make it all okay again. I don't know what to tell you to-”

“Just show me.”, I interrupt him before he can go down that spiral. He stills

“I’m gonna make it up to you, I swear.” His hand grabs mine a bit tighter. Pulling it up to his face and pressing a kiss to my knuckles.

I nod, a little smile stalking onto my face. “Okay, good.”, I say, adding a “And don't ever say you're undeserving again.”

“I won't.”

“Thank you.” I lean down and press a soft kiss to his lips, and he answers it like it holds the promise he just made.

When I pull back, I don’t get far cause he is cradling my cheek, not letting me go anywhere.

“Did anybody ever tell you that it’s hot when you get all bossy like that?”, he whispers, a small grin forming on his face.

“Yeah?”, I say, tongue in cheek. “You like getting ripped to shreds?”

“Only by you, Hexe.” which makes me laugh. “But I deserved it too.”, he says.

“You did a little bit.”, I say graciously, and we both laugh.

We just stay like this for a while, holding hands, and I can take a deep breath feeling most of the weight drop away from me that I felt walking into the living room.

He turns to the side, his cheek pressing against my belly as his arms close around me, around my waist. As close as he can get.

I’m brushing his hair out of his face, playing with it. Massaging his neck and shoulders, softly caressing.

He almost falls asleep like that, and I don't think I’ve ever seen him so peaceful. Deep calm breaths. Not a wrinkle on his forehead as I brush over it with my thumb. His eyebrows are turned up. Not even a hint of a frown on his face.

He grabs my hand, pressing sweet kisses to my fingers. “Stay with me.”, he whispers. “Please.”

“You sure?”, I ask.

He nods, not letting go of me. “I just want my bed and you in it, like I dreamed about those last few weeks. So… please?”

And it finally sinks in that the break was just as painful for him as it had been for me. Because I dreamed of the same thing. “Okay.”

He doesn't need anything else, just gets up off the couch, picking me up as well.

I can't help the giggle rising up my throat when my legs close around his hips and my lips find his neck, kissing the sensitive spots, the ones that always make him shiver. My fingertips are digging into his shoulders. The soft lingering touches I know will get him riled up.

He hums. “Glad to see that your ass is still as bratty as before.”, he grumbles, but he can't hide the grin as he playfully places the tiniest spank on said butt.

“Never.”, I tell him before he kicks open the bed room and lies me down on the bed.

We both scramble to get rid of our clothes, pulling them off quickly. He crawls over me, his dick nudging against my pussy while he settles between my thighs and his lips land on mine. His long hair falls over me like a veil, the tips tickling my naked skin.

His hand drops down, his fingers rubbing over my clit as he pushes into me. Carefully enough. And I sigh taking him in.

His mouth is coasting over my neck, making me shiver as he kisses, nibbles and bites. Leaving marks where anyone can see. Licking the sensitive skin, his tongue drawing wet tracks over it. His heavy breath hitting the shell of my ear as he pulls my head back and sucks on the sensitive spot right beneath it.

My fingers are digging into his shoulders and back, his muscles, leaving my own marks with my nails. Dropping down further until I grab his asscheeks, pulling him into me.

He chuckles, pushing deeper, his thrusts picking up pace. I arch my back to meet his movements, my chest against his, the sensations making me throw my head back.

His hand catches my chin, and he’s telling me: “Look at me, Liebes, please just look at me.”

My eyes meet his, a satisfied deep hum rising up his throat. And I never felt more at the center of anybody's attention than in that moment.

He turns, and suddenly I’m on top, riding him, my hands placed on his hairy chest. Slowly sliding up and down his length. One of his arms around my waist, the other on my ass guides me. I almost can't handle it, the way he fills me up in this position, his tip nudging against my cervix. But fuck. I have missed this.

Not just the sex. The closeness. The familiarity. Him.

König looks up at me, the same look on his face that I have seen a few times today, the one that I still can’t quite place what it means. But I love when he looks at me like that. If the warm fuzzy feeling in my chest is any indication.

We spend the rest of the day in bed, talking, fucking, listening to music, sometimes almost dozing off. Until it’s late, almost a bit too late.

My head is resting against his chest, his heartbeat strong and steady, his legs entangled with mine. His burly tattooed arms embracing me, pulling me against him. His cheek resting atop my forehead with the way I’m nuzzled into the crook of his neck, so his hair is tickling me when he moves a bit.

His body all around me, with nowhere else to go.

I didn’t like sleeping like this ever before I got to know him. But I really don’t mind anymore. I really don’t.

When I open my eyes the next morning, I need a moment to catch up where I am. König’s bedroom. In his bed, the soft sheets against my naked skin. I stretch a little and turn to the side, expecting to find him still fast asleep. But I’m greeted with a smile on his face, his eyes on me. Wide awake already.

“Good morning, Liebes.”, he says softly, catching my hand and pressing a kiss to the back of it, and I have to swallow to not instantly burst into tears.

“Hi.”, I answer, trying a little wobbly smile.

His hand shoots out and he caresses over my cheek. A simple gesture, one he did so many times before, but right now it has me crying again.

“Oh Liebes.”, he coos as he sees the tear rolling down my face.

“I swear, I don't wanna cry! I must be getting my period or something.”, I grumble while he presses kisses to my cheeks, softly kissing away the tears.

“I’m gonna make you laugh and come twice as much for every time you cried.”, he says, and the twinkle in his eyes tells me that he is joking, yet at the same time seeming earnest.

I break out in laughter. “That would be a lot of jokes and a lot of orgasms.”, I gasp out, wiping the wetness from my cheeks.

He leans down and gives me a kiss. “That’s okay. Cause I’m not going anywhere.” He pulls back a bit.

“Don't make any promises you can't keep.”, I say.

“I wouldn’t.”, he says, his voice serious and his gaze soft. “I promise.”

I nod. “Okay.”

“Now let me start with it. I already got a laugh out of you.”

“You insatiable man. Let me go get my teeth brushed first or-”

“No time!”, he exclaims, pulling away the blanket, to position himself between my legs.

I burst into laughter again, the sounds turning into moans when he pulls away my panties and puts his mouth on me.

“Another laugh… that means I need to keep up with the orgasms.”, he quips, mischief lighting up his eyes as his tongue dips into me.

I sigh, snuggling myself back into the comfy sheets, grinding my hips against his face. Meticulously he eats me out, getting all sloppy with it.

His hands are grabbing the swells of my ass, my legs over his shoulders, until he is buried between my thighs. They are littered with all the marks he left there. Faint bites and hickeys. And he’s leaving even more. Oh god, I missed them.

He spits once before his fingers push into me, soft squelching when he fills me up. I’m still a little sleepy, yawning once while I stretch. Meeting his movements and touches.

“Feels so good.”, I tell him, and a little smile forming on his lips as I look down at him.

“Yeah?”, he quips, his thumb rubbing over my clit while he fingerfucks me, slow and deliberately.

I barely can hold the eye contact, almost a little shy, although we did this what feels like a million times. “Yeah.”

He slips his fingers out of me, taking over with his mouth again. I feel the wetness on his fingers as he grabs my thigh again, his fingertips pressing into the plush.

In the time apart nothing had changed about this. It still feels like he has memorized every little part of me, which buttons to push to make me cry out.

His own moans and grunts give away just how much he enjoys this, and I don’t think I will ever get enough of him. Seeing how his hips restlessly move, almost fucking into the mattress, while his tongue dips into me, fucking into me, over and over again, it does something to me as well.

When he nips at my clit, I jolt, my hips lifting off the mattress, but he doesn’t let me go anywhere. Repeating the same move and I come on his face. My back arching, my fingers grabbing at the sheets, curses dropping from my lips.

With a deep breath I look at him again, the big man still very comfortable between my legs, his chin and lips glistening with moisture before he wipes it away.

“And that’s the first one.”, he says with a little grin, and I can’t help the little laugh.

I sit up and grab him. “Yeah, but it’s your turn now.”, I tell him as I pull him up to me, needing him closer.

A wry smile adorns his face. “I’m sorry, Liebes, I already...”

“You… what?”, I ask a little dumbfounded. Looking down while he sits back on his knees, his tummy all sticky, coated in his come. The sheets beneath him soiled, like he humped himself to completion spilling all over them, while eating me out. My jaw drops. “Oh.”

“Yeah.”

This man. The lop-sided smirk, making him look younger than he is. The long hair all messy. Not ashamed in the slightest that he came like that, just eating me out.

“Just give me a few minutes, okay?” He grins down at me as he crawls over me. “And maybe a shower.”

“But I need to get to work!”, I tell him.

“Who said, you'll ever leave this house again?”

“König!”

“I’m keeping you.”, he says, like a definite statement, while he scoops me up and tosses me over his shoulder.

“Brute.”, I say poutily while I can't hold back my giggles.

He just laughs, grabbing my ass as he carries me to the bathroom. “Gonna fuck you in the shower, two birds with one stone. Still need to make you come one more time.”, he lays out his plan.

And I could never say no to that, could I?

We manage to be on time though, even drinking a coffee in the kitchen together, and then he drives me to work.

He also picks me up again, not ready to spend any possible moment apart.

The stupidest biggest grin stalks onto my face when I head out of the office and see his car already parked, faint drum and bass sounds penetrating through. I run up to it and open the door, recognizing the song as Shadow of Intent’s ‘Oudenophobia’, one of the songs I showed him some time ago.

I get into the passenger seat, his hands already grabbing me before I’m properly sitting. Pressing his lips to mine in a kiss. The simple greeting turning into something else with the way he kisses me. Like he doesn’t want to let go.

“Hi.”, I finally manage to say, a little out of breath.

“Sorry, missed you all day.”, he whispers apologetically, backing off a bit, just looking at me.

“No, come back here.”, I say, my hand grabbing his neck, fingers tangled in his hair, and I pull him down to me again for another kiss.

When he pulls back now, he’s grinning down at me. And I don’t need to tell him that I missed him too. He knows.

König straightens up in his seat, shifts the car into gear and pulls out of the parking lot. (The only thing he ever pulls out of, really)

“What’s the plan for today, Prinzesserl?”, he asks me then.

“Oh oh, there is this new Asian fusion place that opened up a few weeks ago.”, I say. “I haven’t been yet.”

He pulls up his eyebrows. “Asian fusion?”

“Yes.”, I say. “They have all kinds of stuff from all over.”

“Spring rolls too?”

“I bet.” I grin up at him.

“Then let’s go.”, he says, the expression on his face mirroring mine.

I sit back, crossing my legs and snuggling into my seat. His hand lands on my thigh and mine clasps over it.

It’s like he never left. Well almost, at least.

And I know that not everything’s forgotten. It doesn’t work like that. My heart is content, but my mind is still catching up. Sometimes thinking about what he said when he left. The promises he made when he came back. Working out how this relationship between us will be from now on. Working with him on that, for both our sakes.

Because despite what happened and my efforts while he was gone... I still do love him.

And we both deserve it.

the whole story in the Masterlist

i'm sorry, i'm so in love with this man that isn't real :') (well, he is, in my mind)

[snowblack-charcoalwhite]

I think that the misandry by the writers , especially Hess, is something that isn't discussed much. It's much deeper and dare I say, more sinister than just 'men bad women good' because the way she wrote the last episode shows that she wants to convey how Alicent's actions are commendable in a sense that her male children don't deserve her devotion and unconditional love anyway, while her only female child and grandchild do. It's framed as her liberation because she sells her own sons to another woman who is their enemy, but you know, it is good because Rhaenicent and reasons. As a woman, I'm appalled by this. What's worse is that I've seen takes here and on x like "Alicent regained her agency by ditching her sons for the woman she loves, her betrayal is understandable, go girl, you have my support" (and this one is tame compared to some others). Believe me, I'm not exaggerating. And I must be from mars because in my book that's not acceptable, understandable or commendable in any way, just the opposite. The problem, however, lies in the fact that the narrative and the writers' agenda support these vile and delusional takes. You don't even have to be a parent to see how evil and nonsensical this idea is, you just have to be able to understand basic human emotions and family dynamic. The writers and a big chunk of the fandom apparently don't.

Hello!

Thank you for this, really. The writers' (Hess' specifically) misandric agenda is absolutely crazy - and IMO crazy evident as well, so seeing so many people fall for it is baffling, sad and infuriating at the same time.

Don't they see that in HotD the women are the ones to blaim for something only when they side with men in one way or another? Don't they understand how forced, unsubtle and - because of that - cringe all the "you are a woman so you can't rule", "they don't respect me because I'm a woman" and "women suffer while men fight" are? House of the Dragon is one of the most force-feeding shows I've ever watched - and for some reason GA and even some people in the fandom believe it's alright. Media literacy is dead for real.

And the parent-children aspect of misandry you brought up is indeed one of the most atrocious things about the whole debacle. I am not a mother myself - but I have one, just as, I think, the majority of the viewers do. I refuse to believe that everyone who cheers for Alicent to abandon her sons has their own familial relationships so screwed that they are unable to understand the outlandishness of the opinion they are choosing to uphold.

Not to mention that in their quest for showing just how terrible Alicent's sons (minus Daeron - at least for now) are, HotD writers completely destroyed Helaena's personality, even the sparks of it she had in season 1. Now she is all about three things: bugs, clairvoyance and suffering (and I can't believe that the first point has been handled the best development-wise). Helaena is supposed to be good and kind: but what good and kind things have we seen her do? Taking care (kind of) of her crickets, offering a necklace in exchange for the life of her son (oh wow) and saying that she shouldn't really grieve for her child that much because the commoners' kids are dying all the time (how relatable for anyone who actually lost a child, right?). For most part she is just there, staring into the distance and saying something prophetic (or, again, suffering).

Just imagine a real mother saying to her son "You know, sonny, I love you, but you forgot to thank me for the pudding I made for your birthday plus you called my bestie an old cow - so I invited your school bullies to our house so that they could beat the shit out of you, you ungrateful jerk. They are in the backyard, go on, don't make your mommy wait".

Just imagine a real woman whose son has just been brutally killed say "You know what, there are so many children starving to death in the world. Why should I cry over mine?"

Honestly, I am beginning to think that people are steadily losing the ability to connect the things happening on screen to actual human emotional experience - as if the characters (in HotD in this case) are aliens to whom basic concepts that have been holding humanity together for millenia do not apply.

[pseudowho]

At the risk of giving any ounce of credence to that unwelcome asker, you once reblogged one of my works, which went on to become my most popular piece as a result of that increased boost in visibility for my small, relatively new account. Even so, it was the incredibly kind comment/review you left that made a lasting impact on me. So that asker was: A) Clearly loud and wrong B) Some things are much more valuable than the number of "likes" on Tumblr. Perhaps this is something they could reflect on if they'd spend less time pocket-watching other people's supposed engagement numbers on a social media site. Keep doing you, I enjoy reading both your work and the banter between you and Mr. Haitch!

One thing I've always sworn to do, is to maintain honesty and sincerity regarding my personal reblog culture. I ensure I only reblog the things that I adore, that I think are really amazing quality, or that explore something/use language in such a way/characterise very well/make me laugh, etc. in a way that makes it feel outstanding to me.

As such, all of my reblogs are heartfelt, and while I may reblog some writers more than once, it's because they've done these things more than once. I love to save for myself, and to share amazing work.

I'm aware that having a large following and sharing someone's work can make a massive difference to the amount of interaction they see...but it only opens the audience for their work a little bit.

It's not the barrier being opened. I'm not gatekeeping anything by being a "Big Blog™️'. It's not the big thing that determines whether someone gets more likes or followers. I had basically no followers when I started, and wrote and wrote and wrote to gain it.

What I see more and more is a shift towards cliquey and insincere reblogging. People repeatedly hyping work not for the quality, but because it's their friend and the 'positive reblog culture' has actually been transformed into a 'toxic reblog culture'.

This also flips the other way-- when someone or a group of people decide they don't like you, they stop reblogging or engaging with your work at all, even when they apparently loved it once before.

Isn't that sad? That tells you they're not really here for the art at all.

I'm here for the art; I'll reblog a great piece even if I don't personally like the person who created it. I'm not talking about giving genuinely horrible people a platform; just those whose personalities don't get along with mine. I'll still reblog their work if I love it, even if I know they hate me. Because I'm a big fucking girl.

I think half the reason my reblogging is so effective, as it was for you, is because I hand-on-heart love every piece I reblog.

How many times have you seen someone reblog their friend over and over and over, hyping their work beyond reasonability, and as such it feels insincere and forced?

Why has artwork and literature become one big Boys' Club, when we should be trying to push our world away from these bizarre "Us Vs Them" practices?

I don't sit and watch my notes. I keep receiving bitter assertions that the "only reason I have X notes is because I have X followers"...as if the notes mean everything, as if my writing hasn't drawn people to engage with my work, as if I came by my followers by luck instead of anything else?

I could wax lyrical all night.

Tl;dr-- toxic cliquey reblog culture is a scourge. You can rely on my reblogs to be utterly sincere and not driven by loyalty disguised as 'positive reblog culture', but based on my genuine love for what I reblog.

I'm so glad that any reblogs I've given you have increased the notice your work has received, but quite frankly, if your work gained traction after I reblogged it, I barely nudged your work-- its quality was its main driving force.

So don't do yourself dirty. You're fantastic.

I'm prepared to lose followers and gain more blocks even for this. People don't like being told they're arseholes, especially when they pretend they're above petty bullshit like this.

I'm here, and I have fun. I don't obsess over any of this. I really hope you stay for the fun too, and if you want a non-anon message, I'm more than happy for it, as I always am.

Love,

-- Haitch xxx

[sunshine-embry]

A Silly Little BMC Au :D

I got lazy and didn't do any art but I'm too excited to post this.

So it's called opposite au, and I'm gonna yap about my idea a lot so press read more if you wanna be flash banged by text :)

.・゜-: ✧☾　☽✧ :-゜・.Characters.・゜-: ✧☾　☽✧ :-゜・.

Jeremy: He is now a popular punk kid. Still friends with Michael, but hates Rich and Jake - he actually bullies them - and still has a crush on Christine. Instead of his parents divorcing, his mom died. Personality wise, he's now super super mean and that's important.

Michael: BIG EMO. Still friends with Jeremy, but is now player 2 iykwim. I have nothing else to say about him :/ Also has homophobic parents while he's gay idk :/

Christine: Anti-social math nerd. Very shy, yet somehow very popular. She doesn't actually like Jeremy all that much, mainly because he bullies Rich and Jake. Also hates Michael, but that isn't plot relevant. Also very minimalist.

Rich: Nicest kid in school. Can you see the plot so far? Anyway, just overall very very nice. That's his entire personality. Also imagine his entire closet being those types of shirts that say "in my mind I am holding a frog' and things like that.

Jake: Stereotypical anti-social nerd. That's basically it. Also his entire closet is just sweater vests . Also also still best friends with Rich.

Chloe: Second smartest girl in school. Basically hella cutecore. I don't have many ideas for the girls :/

Brooke: Smartest girl in school. Also tomboy

Jenna: Prettiest and most popular girl in school. Girly-girl

.・゜-: ✧☾　☽✧ :-゜・.Plot.・゜-: ✧☾　☽✧ :-゜・.

Act 1

Jeremy likes Christine who in the mathletes. Michael manages to convince Jeremy to join the mathletes, in which Jeremy asks Christine out. Christine obviously says no because Jeremy is a bully ect ect.

So Jeremy goes to the bathroom to take a break from the nonsense math where he sees Rich washing his hands. Rich introduces Jeremy to a SQUIP to make Jeremy more nice.

So Jeremy and Michael go to the mall and buy a SQUIP for Jeremy, which need to be taken with lemon & lime Sprite. So he takes that and goes to the mall store(?) and sees Brooke and Chloe.

Since they never really talked before, and since Brooke's impressed by how nice Jeremy is, she asks to take to him on a date to Denny's (I REFUSE TO CHANGE HER TAKING HIM TO DENNY'S)

Jeremy politely accepts, even though the SQUIP tells him not to, but then ghosts Brooke.

So the next day, Jeremy goes to the mathletes meeting again and Christine tells Jeremy that she has a crush on Jake who's also there because he's a nerd.

Christine and Jake start to date, making Jeremy big sad, so he dates Brooke to get back at Christine.

Act 2

Jake throws a Halloween party at his house because he's trying to become popular. Basically everything is the same until Rich sets a fire.

Rich goes around not so politely asking if anybody has any cherry Sprite.

Of course, nobody does, so he sets Jake's house on fire. It makes sense. So the rumors go spiral like usual, blah, blah, blah.

So Rich - after he leaves the hospital - holds a sleepover at his house, inviting Jake, Jeremy, Brooke, Chloe and Jenna

So the Squip starts being not so nice to Jeremy and tries to force him to Squip his friends, in which he does.

The Play happens but it's in a sleepover scenario, Michael breaks in through the open window once Jeremy calls him, the whole thing (I kinda wrote myself into a corner by making Christine in the mathletes instead of the play so just work with me)

And yeah. I kinda didn't know what to do with the second half. that's it :/ Might write a fic about this.

[prowerprojects]

I will not lie, I'm easily bought over by cute Sonknux and Sonamy interactions (Sometimes I hate how easy I am to bait)

But I'm still a bit disappointed by the fact that Tails is once again relegated to mission control... And he's billed as "the sidekick" once again as well... (And why do they keep using such an unflattering pucture of him??)

I guess I could gloss over it because Frontiers hasn't yet happened in the idw universe, that with it starting off with Forces and MV being the last major event they had to go through (as confirmed in the special itself). But the special also has Sonic calling Tails "partner", which is a cute Frontiers reference... except Sonic calling Tails "partner" is supposed to be Sonic's direct response to finding out about Tails's problems during the events of the game and switching up the nickname to assert Tails as his equal. Having him call Tails that even before that kind of cheapens it. But whatever. Chalk it up to a badly placed reference.

And I guess this issue is the right way to utilize Tails, why shouldn't he be providing support, figuring out how to dispose of the problem while Sonic is doing the legwork and calling up the allies? (He is the support character. He is "the sidekick". I guess. But I also wish people didn't give credit to idw for not writing him as just a sidekick because this is literally how he's described in his introduction box)

But I don't know. I don't actually hate the way he's written in the special itself, it just once again reminds me that despite being probably the most often appearing character after Sonic, Tails has never gotten a story that explores him as a person? (Aside from that one Classic Special which is great! But also like. It's his anniversary special. They were basically forced to write about him and isn't that sad) Maybe a couple of panels that show that he's still a person and isn't just a magic box that fixes up robots and provides exposition, but not an actual story.

I was so excited for Kit's inclusion because wow! An antagonist forTails. We've had a bunch of evil versions for Sonic before, but for Tails? What would Tails's relationship with his evil doppelganger be? How would having one affect him? Isn't that intriguing? And the Tails & Kit first interaction fight is probably my favourite Tails scene in the entire book. But afterwards? How silly I was thinking that Kit's inclusion was meant to explore Tails as a character. No. Neither of them gives a shit about the other as soon as Sonic enters the picture. (And now that Kit is around Tails is never gonna stop getting billed as "the sidekick", we gotta parallel them or whatever) It's all about Sonic, Sonic, Sonic. Even when Tails does something cool someone (maybe even himself) has to comment on how good of a job Sonic did raising him. Sonic getting credit for everything Tails does because isn't he such an amazing big bwother.

I'm upset not because I like being a hater, but because I get hopeful but keep being disappointed. I guess I just have to accept that the people currently writing the comics don't really like or care about Tails and stop expecting anything. (And liking or disliking a character is a completely neutral thing, it's not a moral failing or anything. I'm not condemning them for it. But also he's my favourite character and I can't help it if I feel upset about it. )

Yeah this post kinda went off the rails... but this is just how I feel. Can't make anyone like my favourite character, but also can't stop myself from being upset about him being underused.

Cute picture of Tails to brighten my mood (and yours after reading all of that).

Also nice to see the return of the M.E. Junior after it got destroyed in Urban Warfare.

[youngparadisedonut]

I'm worried about the rumor of Jonah and TK. I hope TK tells Carlos that he needs to take care of his brother. Especially if TK is the only family he has. I worry Carlos will get mad and make TK choose. Or even just guilty for wanting to be a good big brother. TK shouldn't have to set aside his dream of being a parent. Especially since they didn't talk about it at all. TK just gave in.

To be fair I always thought that the kids disagreement was one of the reasons why I didn't think it was a good idea for them to get married.

Because it isn't fair to both of them. Parenthood should never be forced and Carlos shouldn't have to agree to have a kid just because of TK; him not wanting kids is so valid and deserves to be respected. But also, TK dreaming about being a parent and wanting kids is equally valid.

What made me sad about the situation was not TK choosing Carlos over his dream of being a parent – was the fact that it was so apparent that TK wanted kids since season one. I think he made a few comments about it, and if I’m not wrong even Andrea basically said to Carlos in their conversation that it was obvious that TK wanted to be a dad (but I’m not sure), so I don’t think TK was exactly secretive about that, but Carlos knowing that choose not to say anything about how he felt about it until there was no avoiding it (wich, honestly, no surprises).

I'm worried about the Jonah storyline too. Not because I think Carlos would make TK choose between him and Jonah (doesn't fit with Carlos act like that), but because I’m afraid that the writes will make like TK is pressuring him. I’m sure that no matter how they do this storyline Carlos Fans will be hating on TK, even If he just wants to be a good brother. And to be frankly I will not subject myself to that. Which is one the reasons that I choose not to watch season 5.

(I think there is something to be said how since the beginning was clear that TK wanted to build a family, first with proposing to Alex and with the kids comments, and how this might be related with him being a child of divorce)

[yoonyia]

what’s one of your favourite scenes from a writing project?

I'm guessing this is asking about my writing projects rather then all writing in general?

My favorite writing project in general is house of scorpions not because it's that good but just because it was very foundational for me and was one of the first books I read in completion. It's a story about a drug lords clone who was raised thinking it was born out of a need to see the old lords vanity, but was in actually born for a completely different reason (won't say because it's a good enough book that I would recommend it for others to read it, the world building was quite cool and interesting and taught me a lot about writing in general)

But if we're talking about person writinf projects that would be really hard

because writing for me isn't just novels and books or even a written form of media

stuff like comics and plays that I wrote also counts as writing for me and if we're looking at all that I really can't choose

and honestly none of them are finished and some are so different in format that you can't really judge them in any meaningful criteria that are comparable

take for example trying to compare a song I wrote to a semi illustrated comic story ish thing concept I thought of

one is music and the other is another compound of media that's inspired by folding paper screens and how they have both images and poetry or messages

well I guess even then I do have an answer to which one is my favorite scene is

it's not the best scene, well maybe it is but I might be too biased to it to accurately judge it. But my favorite piece of writing scene I wrote is actually divided into 2 pieces of media that depicts the same scene

it's from my story called ToV Day Stars

well no sorry it's from the prequel

uh

well ok it's after the prequel called "Dear Mr Blue" but before the Tov Day Stars series entirely and its technically just a continuous story from Dear Mr Blue but the format and media of the story changes (collection of letters to a comic) but the scene itself I'm thinking was never illustrated and only ever written in long form literary text or poems.

It's a scene at the end of the prequel section of the story (technically there's stuff after the ending but that's just to get it to match up directly with the start of the main series and not actually a cohesive story for the narrative. It ends with this scene for that actual story) -I'm sorry for the rambling I'm horrible at explaining my own work.

And in this scene the main characters Divinity and Octavia are in a park and the sun is setting and Octavia has dementia and is dying and Divinity is an immortal. Octavia dosent remember him, she thinks he's her brother. Divinity goes along with it, the sun is basically gone, then she falls asleep, the sky is beautiful and shes beautiful and it was calm and sweet and he let's her go away. And the scene when written has no inner dialog because it was a translation of what the comic would express. So it's just a written description of her dying basically, but it wasent sad, bittersweet maybe but it was written to be a pleasant ending. Then there's a companion piece which is a sonnet which is written with the inner dialog of this scene (canonically written after she dies) and it's just filled with this toxic vile obsessive writing blaming her death to be murder claiming that she shouldent have died if she actually loved him, that their love should have been enough for either her to live forever with him or to force the laws of the universe to allow him to follow her to death. That by her dying she was taking away such a big part of himself that she was cursing him to live broken and incomplete and butchering him anyways even without death. It's written with language that erases the I in us. That the relationship devolved into us being one being, one thing, one identity that I can't even see myself as part of it, the us we have is just you and by you dying you are killing everything about me that makes me me and makes us something.

I really like it because it's just plain sad

it's one of the most depressing and bitter pieces of writing I have ever written

it's almost romance but not quite it

the love was real sure but maybe there was too much of it

the love consumed him?

And I feel like you can see that in the text

that feeling of desperation and devotion that even when she died he couldent even feel grief anymore

it was anger and hatred and fury and it was most importantly blame

and additionally to this outside of the text itself there are layers of build up to this scene that makes me like it even more

dear Mr Blue is a series of letters being sent back and forth between octavia and divinity

octavia here is a 20 something year old youngster inventor that's getting funding from "Mr Blue"

Divinity is an alien from outer space (yea sorry my stories are weird) known as phonixes who decided to copy the human form to gain their level of cognition (they were copying birds before) but accidently created the byproduct called emotions (which they didn't like for reasons that would take too long to explain in this already convoluted explanation) but Divinity, was someone who was uncharacteristically unemotional despite being a very good replica of humanity

so they used his "special" attribute to make him study human emotions and find the purpose of it to see if there is actually a use that is useful to them (if it had anything to do with survival it would be meaningless cause they can't die) or if it wasent then knowing the purpose will help them get rid of it (which they know is possible from Divinities own lack of emotions) Octavia is one of these experiments divinity made to try and study the uses of emotions and it's value (she is not the first one, many have died before her)

and eventually she ends up being the one to make the concept of emotions make sense to divinity

and after that he spent decades learning how to feel them and cherish them and value them

and when they meet again divinity is a love sick fool who idolized the person who gave him the ability to see the world the way he now finds beautiful. While the other is a bitter 40 something who thinks the other stole the best years of her life, and not only that made her obsess over her own work for many years after which made her miss her own sisters death. Thinking he stole away her life and her values.

So it's flipped from how they end

their love ends in the same dynamic but the roles are flipped

but the added misery of the times where it was beautiful

where it was wonderful

and the fact that after she died he also slowly lost himself and his emotions and his love for life and humanity

the story started and ended in the same way in its entirety

and that scene for me really is the climax of all that

I think that it's a great scene showing mortality and the horrors of being consumed by obsessive devotion and just the decay of time. It personally effects me a lot personally because I think the worst thing that could ever happen to someone is dementia or any other affliction that slowly makes the person not only lose their physical body but their mind as well.

Not just death but decaying before you even stop breathing.

And also coupled with the idea that everyone dies the way they're born (this story has a lot of Buddhist themes) and all beginnings lead to all ends.

It's also 2 characters that's inspired by my own parents

I'm not calling their love obsessive devotion but my mom is a person who tells me she only married my father because he annoyed her enough that she gave in and my dad loves my mom so much he views her as the center of his world and tries to fulfill her every need.

And I was inspired by their love to write this story.

And also it was written as a coping mechanism from my fear of death

the prequel and main series is all about death, memory, purpose and meaning.

So in general this series is my favorite and the one I put the most effort and thought into

So this was just the first scene that came to mind honestly

I think the scene of lutangalos mom talking to the peacock cult dude is probably a more compelling and better written scene in general

like in an isolated scene

or the James and ari scene is also a good contender for favorite because of personal significance not because of quality or appeal.

But no I do think that scene where octavia dies and the story between divia (that's their ship name by the way) is one of the better written things I've ever made

I'm sorry if this was incoherent I'm pretty tired today and my brain is not working, thank you for the question I would love to answer more but I cannot promise coherence. THANK YOU

[soullikethesea]

Talked to T

TW attachment/loss

Felt weird.

She said she doesn't find reading annoying and it felt like she meant it, so that was good to hear.

She pointed out that how I write things down is so different to how I say them, and that she really had no idea those things that happened were that upsetting. Yep, that's my curse. People do not listen to words, they listen to everything around those words. And I can't seem to get that right.

I remembered how I used to cry on the back of my dad's bicycle. It was a perfect moment, because he couldn't see me. It makes me feel sad to remember that. I was so upset and I had to do all I could to hide it.

Then at the end T said that we are starting to talk about attachment. It's something I'd really like to work on, so it feels good in a way. But then she asked something about it and I couldn't talk for 10 minutes. And man, it's so terrifying. She said something about how "attaching" isn't bad per se, but not being able to "detach" is.

I actually disagree. It makes me feel unsafe that she said that. I said it's much more nuanced than that and thankfully she agreed to that, but still. I think ideally you'd attach in such a way that you can cope with the loss, but that's not the same as switching between attach/detach swiftly. I see her point, but man, that hurts. No other words, I guess.

I said that I wish there was a guide to secure attachment. Like a step-by-step plan. She urged me to make one. I'm having a big reaction to that, too. It makes me feel really sad. Too overwhelming. Too difficult. Too much information that I don't understand or cannot live up to. I could probably come up with even more rules, but that wouldn't bring me closer to authentic living. It would basically only be more exhausting and more like forcing myself into a mould. That wouldn't be ethical. Neither for me, nor for the poor souls who'd connect with me.

T said she knows it wouldn't be "the way", but that thinking about it is also already readying the nervous system. I said I know she doesn't know the way, but that I also don't know the way. (And then was ready to start bawling, but I ended the conversation because we were going over time and I didn't want T to have to shut me up or end on her terms and not mine, even though I was getting very emotional).

Messy mess. ~

[petrichoraline]

why do you think everyone is so hyped up for OF? i'm not really a fan of any of the pairings or storylines like this one so i'm just here like enjoying seeing all the mutuals lose their minds lmao without really getting it i guess

took me a bit to answer because i wanted to make sure to find this post to link, i remembered it as a very nice and insightful post but for the most part it goes a bit off-topic, the answer is basicaly in the last few sentences (i do recommend going through it though!!)

i personally might be in the same boat as you, dear, as i just got reminded of the show today and my dash won't let me forget about it BUT MY MIND IS ON HIDDEN AGENDA. WHERE EVERYONE'S WAS JUST YESTERDAY i cannot keep up with this fandom goodness gracious

i was excited way back when it was announced but it was never at the level of people who'd get asked what they're most excited for from the gmm23 lineup and everyone and their mom's answer was ONLY FRIENDS DUH..with time my enthusiasm kinda faded out and was replaced by, dare i say, annoyance. it's natural when you aren't as hyped about smth as everyone else seems to be. at times i do get a bit more excited though! who knows, i might be unbearable once the show drops hahah, i haven't really gotten myself acquainted with the characters, i avoid speculating and making up theories so i hope whatever only friends turns out to be, it's fun 😊

but yeah, i think people are excited about the drama of it all. p'jojo has been teasing non-stop, it will give us favourite actors in messy relationships not contained within their assigned pair but with everyone and anyone else. it gives off the feeling a crossover does though it isn't one. seeing neo who only got a more seirous role just this past year with the eclipse as a pos gremlin wreaking havoc is new and exciting! mark as a sad pining bub that will undeniably make us scream "love, do BETTER"? EXCITING. topmew seem like they're gonna bring so much angst to the table in a more horifying way than the melancholy that sanray seem to promise. firstkhao are the basic beloved pair that everyone would love watching even if they don't tune in for them specifically - theyre great actors who also have amazing chemistry with each other and we have proof they will bring their all into it. smth else that goes for them is the fact many want to see them go beyond what the eclipse fave them in terms of opportunities to be intimate. force is about to give villain, I can feel it, and as much as it scares me I think it's very intriguing. forcebook are another established couple who are besties irl and have shown theyre comfortable and can bring that spark, this show gives us the chance to witness just how far that actor compatibility can take their performance. and markneo!! theyre absolutely a wild card. many of us are fond of them because of their memorable side roles but we haven't seen them doing anything spicy with their established partners (louis and ford). and that is another thing, theyre a completely fresh pair unlike the other two so we don't know exactly what they're capable of or how they act off of each other, that's also super fun to anticipate. I personally am going wild about papang becoming a part of the mess as a part of nick's plot, there seems to be a wlw pair too, jennie is also present - there are plenty of smaller appearances and details aside from the main couples and their plots that make viewers curious. yes, sex portrayed by fave actors who dont usually portray those scenes is a big deal but it's not just that, boundaries are being pushed with this show and the crew and cast seem incredibly excited to be working on it. it feels like a passion project and that enthusiasm gets to the fans as well. it's true however that many will be disappointed because they keep projecting their ideas of what the show should and would be on it and it simply can't be everything at once. a part of the overall excitement comes from the fandom discussions and participation but that is what gets theories to evolve and expectations to grow which is risky.

tldr: favourite actors in roles that show them either build on their already established chemistry or challenging an inexplored part of their acting skill; a big bunch of said actors tangled up in dramatic scandals - everyone is involved with everyone, gives a collab vibe; jojo's unique lens and directing style; other actors and plots that are yet unrevealed etc.

that's what I've noticed at least 😁 sorry to go on a tangent and thank you sincerely for the ask, hope you get to enjoy the show! i'm sure there will be plenty to appreciate about it even if the premise isn't your cup of tea 💗 and enjoy everyone having fun with it, when one's moots are happy one should also be happy 🥰 even if it can get a bit much lol we'll be getting some yummy meta and gifsets so we're winning anyways ✌️feel free to update me on your feelings on it haha, I'd love to hear from you again 💓

[therummonster]

single quotes from the creation trio

Champagne: Did you just call me a shrimp, you asshole?! I'm still growing, dammit!

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Benny: You can de-escalate literally any situation by asking ‘are we about to kiss?’ Benny: Doesn't work with getting out of speeding tickets, though.

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Champagne: Caw caw, motherfuckers.

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Benny: If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple "thank you" is all I need. Benny: Not all this "how did you get into my house" business.

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Champagne: Well you see, the explanation is perfectly simple and scientific. It was because shut up. Shut up is why.

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Champagne: When life gives you lemons, don't make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don't want your damn lemons, what the hell am I supposed to do with these? Demand to see life's manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Champagne lemons! Do you know who I am? I'm the person who's gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! I'm gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!

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Champagne: Oh, so when crows remember people who wronged them and hold grudges, its “intelligent” and “really cool”. Champagne: But when I do it, I’m “petty” and “need to let it go”.

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Benny: I just found out that humans are capable of fitting a light bulb into their mouth with ease but can’t take it out without shattering it, and now I have to physically restrain myself from putting a light bulb in my mouth

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Vasilia: I’ve made a spread sheet of all the crime in Brooklyn. Vasilia: There’s so much crime in New York, no one should live here.

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Vasilia: I'd make fun of your height but there isn't enough to make fun of.

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Vasilia: New year, same me. Because I'm perfect.

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Champagne: Pros and cons of dating me. Champagne: Pros. You'll be the cute one. Champagne: Cons. Holy shit, where do I begin-

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Benny: Is this a good idea? Benny: Probably not. Benny: Do I care? Benny: No.

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Vasilia: cocks gun Go to Bed. This is no longer a request, This is now a Threat.

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Demon: Hey, I took your soul last month and- Champagne: No returns. Demon: sobbing But it's making me sad…

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Benny: Fuck capitalism. It's a rigged system that keeps us poor and it isn't fair. You shouldn't need to work three jobs to afford basic necessities. Benny, playing Monopoly: Sorry, if you wanted to win you should have tried not being poor.

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Benny: Sometimes I'll start a sentence and I don't even know where it's going. I just hope I find it along the way.

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Champagne: Tired of just deserving better. Gonna start taking it by force.

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Benny: If I stay in bed I'll be warm. If I get in the shower, I'll also be warm. But the distance between the bed and shower? No. That is not warm.

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Champagne: I keep a picture of all of us in my wallet. Whenever I face difficulties, I take it out and stare at the picture. The Squad: Awwww- Champagne: And I tell myself "If I can deal with these idiots, then I can deal with anything." The Squad: Oh.

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Champagne: I don’t think the therapist is supposed to say ‘wow’ that many times during their first session with a client, but here we are.

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Champagne: I like wearing oversized sweaters. Not just because they're extremely comfy and cuddly, but because whenever the sleeves are really big, I get to flop them around and smack people.

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Champagne: BEHOLD, the field in which I grow my fucks! Lay thine eyes upon it, and thou shalt see that it is barren!

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Benny: The only thing keeping me from running away and hiding from society for the rest of my life is spite. I could disappear forever, but there are some bitches whose downfalls I have yet to witness, and I wanna be around when that happens.

[kixxy7]

TW: SELF HARM!!!!!

TORDY THIS IS THE FATTEST TW FOR YOU OKAY?? IF YOU DON'T FEEL LIKE READING ABOUT SH THEN DON'T READ THIS FR!!!!!

ITS REALLY BAD PLEASE CARE FOR YOUR MENTAL HEALTH!!!

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I really care about you please don't read this if you're not in the mental capacity for that

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I'm fucking warning you

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Okay basically I now have a sharper blade that I sh-ed with and I keep thinking about making bigger scars. Like I look at my old scars healing and I want more and bigger. Really I was just walking and then suddenly in my mind I saw pictures of my thighs bleeding badly and like the thoughts kept occuring. I keep getting the thoughts about how much I want to see myself bleed a lot and that scares me. It's fucking weird and hard to explain but this shit is like haunting me and I'm so fucking scared that I might go through with it and it's really bad. Idk it's like since I saw someone with big scars that thought hasn't left me, yes a part may be that I feel like my scars are invalid but its not only that.

Sorry, you really don't need to answer that if you don't know what to answer

I didnt read it all the way through but i got the message. The fact that i dont have any tips for you makes me so sad - i have been sober for about 3 years but i still feel exactly like that, especially these last days ( I've been having really fun and friendly thoughts about myself ) so i completely get it. All that i can tell you is; it only gets worse if you go through with it. Force yourself out. Your anxiety wont get better, your depression might even get worse, nothing changes, but you have less chances of getting drastically hurt; which already helps. at least a little.

I hopw only the best for you and wish for you to get through these times, but i cant lie to you; it only got better to me when i ignored myself, but it still backfires a lot to this day.

Depression isn't something you can cure, its something you learn to live with

Sorry if this sounds hopeless lol, but I can't hide the truth from someone i love so so much <3333

So yeah. Please don't do it :( Your suffering is just as valid as any other, and i really don't want you to feel otherwise. You should look up to yourself more, you're amazing <333333

You live with yourself so you're unaware of your own awesomeness :p!!!!

[cassbrookes]

#Sol's RV with @solreznik

Cass Brookes

-After her conversation with Isaac, Cass took a walk around town to clear her head before she went to Sol's place. After the amazing night they'd had the night before, the last thing she wanted was to go in and bring the mood down. That could wait until after she told him she'd be heading outside the walls. Rapping her knuckles lightly against the door, she called out- Guess who!

Sol Reznik

-After his morning chat with Ike, Sol hadn't left his RV. Ate what he had stashed in his cabinets, whittled idly at a few carving projects, and lazed about--completely and utterly unlike himself. Hearing a knock and Cass' cheery voice just about knocked some pure happiness into him--the stars the night before, the easy way she'd cuddled up to him. But then the morning's conversation rang in his head again.- C'mon in...-her face appears- ain't this a pretty surprise.

Cass Brookes

-she didn't hesitate once he gave her the okay to come in, poking her head through the door before stepping inside- Hey you. -He was shirtless, so she had to do her best to keep her eyes on his face, especially since he didn't have his ribs all wrapped up this time. After a moment, she moved over to where he was sitting and leaned in to give him a gentle kiss before settling in next to him.- How are you feeling today? Kinda figured you'd be out tryin' to fix something.

Sol Reznik

-oh, that easy kiss was like a balm to his overactive mind. But even still, he couldn’t avoid her question- Nah, no use to anything today…in a bit of a funk, I guess.

Cass Brookes

-his response pulled her lips down into a small frown of worry, her hand moving to the middle of his back to rub small circles on it- Did you not sleep well? Is it pain?

Sol Reznik

-closing his eyes in delight at her touch for just a moment…before the morning’s guilt came rushing in- Nothing like that, I slept like a baby. No, it’s…got to talking to somebody earlier and it reminded me of some shit that always gets me in my head. Been thinking it over all day.

Cass Brookes

-her hand pauses as her frown deepens, concern washing over her- I know what that can be like. I'm not gonna try and pull anything outta you, but if you wanna talk about it, I got nothin' but time right now. -she moves her hand around so that she's hugging his shoulders, giving him a little squeeze-

Sol Reznik

Shit, feels unfair to you…we get one nice evening before I’m unveiling my sad sack ways -he tries to tack a little laugh onto it, but it sounds half-hearted, even to his own ears- I just…man, I think you deserve the whole damn world. The very best. And I…historically speaking, I fuck things up. In all the crazy shit in this world, I’d wanna protect you, do right by you. But I couldn’t even get Ginny through one night out past the walls.

Cass Brookes

Hey... -While his last words weren't unexpected - hell, she knew he'd have to have this guilt eating him - it still didn't soften the blow of basically hearing him blame himself out loud- Ginny... it wasn't your fault, Sol. I know me sayin' it isn't going to immediately change your mind, but I hope someday you realize that it's true. There was nothing you could've done differently. You don't control the weather. -Now she moved her hands to cup his cheeks, forcing his head to turn and look her in the eyes- The past is just that. The past. I'm a big girl, Sol. I don't know if you've noticed, but I've spent a fair amount of time outside these walls myself.

Sol Reznik

-he presses his cheek into the comfort of her touch and closes his eyes- Shoulda been more cautious about the barn. I knew it was old, I shouldn’t have risked it. I can’t…I can’t shake the guilt. You deserve someone who’s not carrying that shit around, ‘cause I’m gonna have bad days, Cass. And I gotta warn you now, I’m going back out there. I gotta finish what sent Ginny out there, I gotta try to find Henry. Or I’m not gonna be able to live with myself. But god, that’s a shitty thing to put you through.

Cass Brookes

-It was impossible to stop the deep breath of air she sucked in at the idea of him heading out into the world to try and find a kid he'd never even met. Bless him, she understood his need, the reason behind it, but damn. Rather than focusing on that right now though, she presses her forehead to his.- If you think I'm not carryin' shit around, I'm puttin' up a better front than I thought. We've all got baggage, babe. Hell, some of us had it before the world went to shit. -she strokes her thumbs over his cheekbones, quiet for a moment before adding- I won't lie, I'm not a fan of you going out on what feels like an impossible mission, but I get it. I do.

Sol Reznik

-her understanding in that moment, the way she gets closer instead of pulling away…it breaks him. After building all day, the emotion of it comes spilling out of him in quiet tears- Lemme help you carry some of it, okay? I know right now I’m the one crumbling, but when it comes time, put some of that baggage on me, please?

Cass Brookes

-seeing the tears, hearing the break in his voice, she wraps her arms around him and pulls him in close, as though she can somehow shield him from the hurt he's experiencing- Only if you share yours with me, yeah? If we're gonna do this, we're in this together, good and bad. -her fingers stroke through his curls reassuringly, silently urging him to let his emotions out, because she's not going anywhere- I want to be equal partners with you, Sol. You lean on me, I lean on you.

Sol Reznik

-he hooks his chin over her shoulder and hugs her back- It’s gonna take some practice…I know my habits. But I’ll try. Shit, think I’d try anything for you. Just…tell me if I’m fucking up, okay? ‘Cause it’ll never be on purpose. But it’s been a long time since I let someone close.

Cass Brookes

I promise that I will do my best to warn you before you even get close to fucking anything up, okay? -she turns her head so her face is pressed into his neck, taking a deep breath before pulling back a bit. She's hoping that opening up a bit to him in return will help ease his own fears about himself- You have every right to tell me if I'm fucking things up, too, cause I'm just as likely to as you. My last relationship was a nightmare and I haven't trusted myself with anyone since.

Sol Reznik

-he doesn’t like the sound of a nightmare relationship, but he tries not to let his face get too grim. He takes her hand- You can tell me about it, y’know? Help me know how to treat you better?

Cass Brookes

-For a moment she almost makes a callous, offhand comment in response to his questions, but at the last second she reins it in, knowing now isn't the time for jokes.- It's a pretty cliché story. Girl meets boy, girl falls in love, girl's dreams start coming true and boy's don't, boy gets mad, boy hits girl. -Okay, it still came out more callous than she meant to, so with a sigh, she squeezes his hand and continues- He started out alright, turned into a jerk at the end. I hate admitting it, but I stayed way longer than I should've, thinking he'd change back.

Sol Reznik

-the idea of hitting Cass is so completely fucking foreign to him that it hadn't crossed his mind as the source of the nightmare. As soon as the word "hit" leaves her mouth, something new and angry starts taking shape inside him. He tamps it down for some other outlet, but she can probably still feel his tremble. He loosens his posture, gentles his body as much as he can, and squeezes her hand back- Fucking shame you had to go through any of that. I can see why you'd be cautious, then. I hope you know...the boxing, the fighting shit I've done, that has always stayed in the ring.

Cass Brookes

Oh, God, Sol-- no. I've never worried about that around you. Ever. -Even having felt the shift in his posture twice over, there's no fear when it comes to being this close to him- Not even after learning you did the whole boxing thing. -To reassure him as much as herself, she leaned in again to place another soft kiss on his lips-  Steve just-- it took awhile for me to admit how bad things were, and it took even longer for me to stop blaming myself. You're nothing like him though.

Sol Reznik

-he sighs relief against her kiss, then presses one of his own to her forehead- I hate knowing you went through something awful like that...and being totally honest, the idea that someone laid their hand on you in harm makes me wanna tear down a whole goddamn building in rage. If zombies haven't gotten him, I wouldn't mind the chance to take him out myself. -he takes a deep breath and focuses back on her, pets her cheek with his thumb- But I'm proud you got out.

Cass Brookes

Zombies probably did get him, but even if he's still out there somewhere, he's not worth it. -She offers him a small smile- So you can leave the poor, innocent buildings alone. -Now she twists to a sideways sitting position, wrapping her arms around him entirely and pulling him into her chest, every bit as protective as he wants to be- What about you? Why've you held people at arm's length so long?

Sol Reznik

-the intensity of that question sobered him right up and he blew out a big puff of air- I got this tendency to just...not be as much as people need? The one serious relationship I was in, I couldn't be who she needed. Couldn't...-he cleared his throat to stall, but figured he oughta be upfront- she wanted kids--we both did--but it never happened. Years after we split, she got married, had a whole bunch of babies right in a row. That's just one example. Somewhere along the way, I guess I figured I was saving folks the disappointment? I got older, realized that was a cowardly way of living. But by then, I'd gotten used to my own company. -he rests his head against her shoulder- holy shit, I never do this, just spill my guts out.

Cass Brookes

-she can practically feel the gravity of his answer in the weight of his frame. The comment about the kids - well, she could see how that would make anyone feel 'not enough'. Cass had always dreamed of having kids someday, but now, with the state of the world, she wasn't so sure.- I'm glad you feel like you can. Share with me. And for what it's worth, you should never think you're not enough for someone. -She wanted to reassure him that of course it wasn't on him that they'd never had children, but she couldn't say for sure and to try and tell him otherwise would probably come off as patronizing. 'Maybe it wasn't meant to be' wasn't any better. So instead of saying any of those things, she tilted her chin to kiss the crown of his head, continuing to run her fingers through his hair.-

Sol Reznik

You're real good at this, y'know? Still got the little ball of guilt in there, but for the first time all day, I don't feel like my goddamn chest is gonna cave in. -he sways a little against her, then hums when a thought comes to mind- Shit, I didn't even ask, how was your day?

Cass Brookes

-she let out a soft chuckle, kissing the crown of his head again- Like I said, we're a team. It's easier if it's shared. -oof. Her day. Hopefully her new plan didn't bring back that chest caving feeling again.- Not so bad. Didn't come across anything on my security rounds. -She paused, and now she was the one doing the stalling. Another sigh.- I stopped by Isaac's place earlier to run an idea past him.

Sol Reznik

-Ike was about the last person he expected her to mention, but he tried not to let his surprise show, put on a joking voice- Now that sounds like all sorts of trouble.

Cass Brookes

Surprisingly not. -She never had told Sol about everything that had gone down between her and Isaac, so she didn't mention the semi-truce they'd come to- At least not running the idea past him. He was actually all for it.

Sol Reznik

Well that's good, what's the idea?

Cass Brookes

-Well there was a loaded question, considering she hadn't even told Sol about all of her family yet.- Going back to my ranch to see if some of my older brother's 'bugout bags' are still hidden. He had several stashes hidden around the property.

Sol Reznik

Is that Alex, then? Send a couple of raiders out there to bring back the goods--that's smart.

Cass Brookes

Not Alex... Nate. He's not-- he was with Alex and didn't make it. And no, not a couple of raiders. -she tenses slightly, already anticipating that Sol isn't going to like her next words- Me, Alex, and Ike.

Sol Reznik

-compassion hit first, when she mentioned a brother that was dead. Then she wasted no time in dealing the second blow- Jesus...I don't like that. I--I'm sorry to hear about Nate, I'm guessing that was news Alex brought with him? Shit Cass, you been grieving and I'm fucking...hitting on you? -he hung his head down and sighed- I'm guessing there's a reason Ike can't just take Alex?

Cass Brookes

Hey - you have been a fucking shining light in the middle of all of this. I've been grieving yes, but I didn't say anything, because in a way, I've already grieved all of my family. -Shit, she'd already gone through it once today, and if anyone deserved to know the story, it was Sol- We lost my parents about a year into everything. About maybe a year after that, Nate and Alex went out for supplies and just... never came back. I waited a year for them, hoping, but by the time some people wandered by and told me about Redwood forming, I had nothing but the horses. And I'm not gonna lie, Ike could easily take Alex and leave me behind... -she used her fingers to tilt his chin up so she could look him in the eyes again- But I feel like I need to go.

Sol Reznik

-he felt a surge of fondness for her, setting out with just her horses, brave and determined in the face of loss- I get it. Hell, I'd be a raging fucking hypocrite if I said otherwise. And I trust Ike. Not that I don't trust Alex, I just know Ike. If I had to pick someone to watch out for you, it's him. I just...-he took both of her hands in his and brought them to his mouth like he could impress the words on them- I know you will, but please be careful. Be smarter than I was out there.

Cass Brookes

Of course I'll be careful. I promise I'll be careful. Besides, it'll only take us a couple of days, a week at most. Easy peasy. And I'll be as smart as I can. -she wanted desperately to ease his mind, although she knew it was impossible to completely ease his fears- I'll have Ike and Alex to keep an eye on me, and you know Zodiac won't let me get into trouble

Sol Reznik

-the mention of Zodiac did actually reassure him- Yeah, I take it back, if there's anyone I pick to watch out for you it's Zodiac, that's one very good boy. You need anything taken care of at the farmhouse while you're gone? Anything I can do back here?

Cass Brookes

-she snorted a laugh at his sudden turn, although she couldn't blame him after Zodiac was the one to carry him home- I'll let you know if I can think of anything for while I'm gone. But...for tonight? Do you mind if I just stay here? -Partly because she just wanted to be close to him, partly to prove to him that she wasn't scared of whatever baggage he had, and partly to reassure him that she was real and there and would come back to him-

Sol Reznik

-relieved beyond words that he doesn't have to watch her walk out tonight- Course I don't mind, whatever I got is yours. Which...ain't a lot, mind you. But I got a couple of clean t-shirts and sweatpants if you need something comfortable to sleep in. Might wanna lock the door though, apparently I'm still "recuperating," which means folks walk in with soup at all hours of the day.

Cass Brookes

I hadn't even thought of that. No one is gonna like, panic if they can't get to you, right? -she could only imagine how embarrassing that might be for everyone involved- I already told Alex not to wait up for me, so he's not gonna be looking for me. -She glances down at her current outfit, realizing that jeans would definitely not be comfortable to sleep in- I'll take you up on the t-shirt... sweatpants might be too warm. Got any of those cute little shorts around?

Sol Reznik

Nah, I'm not expected anywhere til the afternoon tomorrow. -he scoffs at the shorts comment and shakes his head- I have one clean pair left, you're welcome to 'em.

Cass Brookes

You laugh, but I'm used to sleeping in just a t-shirt and underwear. I'll take the shorts over full on sweatpants any day. -glancing around the RV, she turns back to Sol- Where can I find said shorts and tee?

Sol Reznik

-with that glorious mental picture searing into his brain, he levels her with a knowing smile, kicks the heel of his good foot against the underside of his bed, and scoots to the side- There's storage under here, I got it. -he leans down and snags the shorts- for shirts, I've got grey or navy blue, what's your flavor?

Cass Brookes

Very efficient use of space. -In a way, she envied him this cozy space. More often than not, the farmhouse felt entirely too empty and lonely- Hmm... -she pretends to think, as though it's some very important decision- I'm feeling the navy blue. It'll up my stealth factor. -as though she was at all stealthy-

Sol Reznik

-handing the garments over with a smile- Should I be concerned you're tryna be stealthy in my bed? -he catches himself- That's alright, yeah? Sharing the bed? I assumed...

Cass Brookes

-She takes the clothing before kicking off her boots, and with only a little hesitation, shucks off both her jeans and top right in front of him, replacing them with the offered clothing before answering his questions- Well, I promise you I'll be anything but stealthy, and yeah... that's kinda what I was anglin' for...

Sol Reznik

-not prepared for her to undress right away he catches sight of her bare breasts and long legs before glancing away in the name of privacy. He still wanted to wait until he was in better shape, but tonight would test that resolve- Never need to angle with me, Cass, I'm very unlikely to ever tell you "no."

Cass Brookes

Then in that case, I want to stay the night to be close to you, so yeah -she paused, locking the door of the RV before stepping over to stand in front of Sol again- if you're okay with me sharin' your bed, that's where I wanna be.

Sol Reznik

-staring up at her, a little mesmerized- Then that's where I want you. You still okay with waiting?

Cass Brookes

-she takes the time to let her gaze move over his body, nibbling her lower lip for a contemplative moment before she settles on the bed next to him and nods- I'm telling you right now, I am coming back from the ranch, so yes, I'm still good on waiting. -she scooches up further onto the bed and pats the spot next to her in unnecessary invitation-

Sol Reznik

-her promise made his heart sing, even if he knew this was a world without guarantees. So he maneuvered onto the bed beside her til they were shoulder to shoulder and lowered his voice to a whisper- You like your own space when you sleep, or can I hold you?

Cass Brookes

-In answer to his question, she rolled over and settled herself in against his side as she had the previous night, wrapping her arms around him and holding him close, nuzzling into the crook of his neck- I make no guarantees once I'm asleep, but right now I don't want any space between us. I don't want anything between us. -After tonight it felt like there was no space, no secrets, nothing to hide-

[papirouge]

Hey papi, i'm the anon who sent you the message about becoming a youtuber. I've been thinking a lot about your answer, and honestly I don't know if I'm up to the the many facets of what that entails.

Like you said, gaming is well known to be full of scrotes and weirdos, and unfortunately most female youtubers and streamers have to use their sex appeal to get attention and views, and that's not something i'm willing to do (i wouldn't even want to show my face in the first place). You did mention that I should find a niche, and for me that would have been either retro gaming or games geared towards girls. In fact, I grew up with a lot of those barbie computer games, so I could actually mix both retro gaming and games for girls.

Another thing I thought about was making more "complex" videos. Like I have an interest in lost media, and there's not that many good content about it in my mother language, so I think I could definitely make myself a name in that genre. And that brings me to another point - I've watched a lot of lost media videos, amd also read the wiki of some pages that interest me many times, and I've noticed that many videos are basically just wikipedia reads with no attempt of the creator to actually explain things in his own style. And some of them are quite popular and capitalize of other people words and work via sponsors or ad revenue!! It kinda makes me mad in a way to see some youtubers put a lot of effort in their videos and get very few views while lazier ones that i dont think even care about the subject matter (if they did i doubt they'll just be copy pasting their scripts) being praised and get money off of their wikipedia reads.

Another thing that I realized it's that if I choose to make videos about lost media or other things similar to that, I'd probably get so annoyed at the ignorant comments that people might make when it comes to real life cases that i'd have to hold myself back to avoid responding. Like I remember once listening to this video about the Natasha Kampusch case, and the narrator mentioned how the guy who kidnapped her actually didn't force her (right away) to have sex with him, and to come to him when she was ready. I decided to go to the comments (big mistake) and there were a few comments highlighting this and talking about how sweet and thoughtful it was of the guy to not pressure Natasha, and how she might have wanted to have sex with him when that happened. Like do these idiots realize that she was KIDNAPPED, aka being held hostage for years since she was only ten years old with no probability of this guy ever letting her go? I really hope these commenters were very young and misguided and learnt later to think more critically.

In a similar way, I also once watched a video about Elliot Rodger (back when I've nver heard of his case before) and the comments were full with men being like "Not saying what he did was bad but I can understand him feeling frustrated and mad at being rejected by women because I feel the same". Wow, isn't that sad? How about you empathise with all the people he killed and their relatives, have you thought abouot that? Prety much any video talking about the bjork stalker has the same kind of men in the comments. Not papi, I don't think I could stand getting stupid comments like that on my videos, but then perhaps true crime rots your brain or something...

Hi anon! Nice to see you back 🩶

"And some of them are quite popular and capitalize of other people words and work via sponsors or ad revenue!! It kinda makes me mad in a way to see some youtubers put a lot of effort in their videos and get very few views while lazier ones that i dont think even care about the subject matter (if they did i doubt they'll just be copy pasting their scripts) being praised and get money off of their wikipedia reads."

Welcome to the commentary YouTube community 😅 that's why I told you in my first reply to do something you truly enjoyed and not start off to get instantly get popular or get ad revenue because you'll be quickly discouraged by the lack of engagement of your video. If you like what you do, you'll still be happy despite get only a dozen of views. Your dedication has to go beyond external validation or gratification.

YouTube is just too big now. I remember the scandal when tea channel have been exposed as being content farm (basically content creator 'industry plants' - Spill, Anna Oop, etc.) and other tea/commentary channel called them out being like "they're lying to you!!!" when these channels never pretended being only one independent creator 💀. I personally wasn't really surprised because it's been a while that YouTube has become an entire industry so yeah, content creation agencies jumping on the bandwagon was bound to happen¯⁠\⁠_⁠(⁠ツ⁠)⁠_⁠/⁠¯

That's why you really shouldn't compare yourself with bigger yet lazier channels because who knows if they don't have a whole marketing machine backing them up (for example posting a lot, it asks a whole editing team etc.). That's why I also told to have a delivery that can't be imitated. Even if they copy what you say (let's get real, YouTuber copy each other all the time and that's ok, that's the whole concept of trends) they will never do it like you. That's why despite commentary channels being so popular, some channels are more unique than others.

For example I tried looking for other channels like Chrissie but not a single one manages to make it like she does : Chrissie is just so articulated, CLEVER and resourceful in her takes, that no other Black feminity/dating channel never really did it for me... (either they only talk about Black men, talk like they were drunk à la Cynthia G 💀 aren't smart, or are intellectually inconsistent (wig wearer talking about embracing our Black feminity ANNOY ME like sis embrace your own hair before giving advice about self love IDC)

Let's get real anon: there's already a woman doing what your doing - but the good news is : nobody will be you. I love vlogs but tbh those female influencer pretty much do the same thing, but the way they do it is what makes me stick. Unfortunately it's hard to explain but I think that's the x factor that makes even very small channel have a very loyal audience. I told you about the FNAF commentary french guy who had a 30k followers channel with a dedicated watchbase (his chat are always very active and his discord channel is booming). I also follow a Dark Deception playthrough japanese channel with "only" 35k followers, and guess what? He's been invited by the Dark Deception developpement team at the Tokyo game show in September to test their new chapter of the game. Size or popularity doesn't matter - how you do it does (the japanese guy doesn't even update that much...)

Now for the toxic audience/commenters, it's actually very easy to moderate comments on YouTube. You can also block certain words so comments having them to not appear. You can also pin a PSA on the comment section to warn off rape apoloigists, and stuff like that. The only reason those guys you're talking about talk like that is because they feel comfortable enough to do that in *this* space. I'm a firm believer that you are what you attract. I'm on TikTok and I don't see the awful shit people are constantly seething about. Bc I swap up whenever I see suspicious/weird/kinky shit so the algorithm stops making these messy stunts. I also don't follow influencers or gimmicky accounts.. True Crime channels are bound to attract psychopaths anyway. There's something so pornographic in women doing their make up while explaining gruesome murder....