#so then I binged for a few days and gained 4 lbs

[inthefadingtwilightt]

I’m finally back on track and losing again

[ibeblizzard10]

chat wtf how the hell did I gain 1 lb. This would be okayish under most circumstances but rn I’m 89 lbs💀for me that danger zone and anything 90 lb or more is in sewercidal zone😰(aka extra sui than usual)

Why do i always gain weight on liquid diets I’m supposed to LOSE WEIGHT on one I don’t think i had more than 900cal so I thought I would maintain.. I LITERALLY DIDNT CONSUME ANYTHING BUT WATER AFTER 4 PM YESTERDAY wtfwtfwtfwtfwtfwtfwftwtf

I don’t really wanna fast 2day but do I have a fucking choice chat I’m so scared I swear I consumed less than my bmr! It was probably water weight from the soup(it was pretty high in sodium)I had but I have this thing where water weight will take like a month to lose I’m so fucking scared why did I bother liquid dieting a few days ago I would have still been 87.4 lb oh god kill me

idk wut to do chances are if I eat absolutely anything I’ll gain weight but I seriously don’t feel like fasting so doubt I can get myself to do one even if I tried to eat under 100cal I might still gain weight or even binge later but it’s probably my best bet wish me luck chat<3

[cherryc0lahasmyhrt]

Is this sweetspo? idk but I need to hear it so I’ll put it out there

-one binge will not permanently prevent you from losing weight.

-nor will it immediately make you “fat”

-you may be bloated and you may gain a few lbs but i promise Ana is blowing it out of proportion from reality

-even if it was for 2, 3, or 4 days in a row

-and if you gain a few pounds from it, even if it is weight you have already lost, you CAN lose it again.

-focus from this point forward. Make a plan, one that is ATTAINABLE and won’t lead to more binges, then stick to it

-the weight might just fall off faster than you expect

[littlemissangelic]

quite proud of myself for yesterday. i did not track my exact cals but i didn’t necessarily binge or drink to the point of blacking out. i had some berries & half a latte in the morning, followed by a breakfast sandwich & a celsius. i didn’t eat anything else until the evening, but drank a few shots of whiskey & a sugar-free redbull! then come evening time, i had a slice of margherita pizza & 3-4 pieces of calamari w/ a diet coke! i’m guessing this was under 1,400 net cals, so that’s okay by me. i didn’t gain as much this morning as i had yesterday when i weighed myself, in fact, i lost weight compared to yesterday. i’m now at 157.8 rather than 156.8, but that’s after two days of eating and drinking. typically, i would do so much it caused a 5 lb weight gain, so here’s to the little wins. i’m now 15 hours through an 18-hour fast to help my body get back to burning fat, rather than just sugar! ✨🖤

[serendiptiouseri]

Is it possible to loose 40 lbs in 30 days? and how? Help me out, I need to wear a bikini in 30 days and rn i weigh like 137 lbs; im trying to reach 106- 103 lbs. I was able to loose it before until i gained the weight back from binging (I have been binging for 11 months almost every day) but before i lost the weight and it took 4 months now i only have 30 days exact. What should i do?

I’d say it would be hard to loose that much but idk maybe it’s possible. I’m currently 20 days binge free and it’s the longest I’ve gone in years. My tip would be to go for high volume foods like cabbage, cauliflower, strawberries. No added sugars!! Anyway if you eat like every other, every third day, and work out some, it might be possible.

Since you’ve been binging for a while, you could probably shock your body and loose weight quickly at first. I’d say fasting if you can since it doesn’t impact your metabolism in the beginning as far as I know. When you’ve starved for long your metabolism becomes basically non existent TT

So basically, eat every few days or fast for longer periods and when you eat, make sure it’s food you can eat lots of. Also drink water while you eat, like 30 oz. It will make you feel full.

Good luck!

[cherryserrysoupy2]

I’m gonna be honest it makes me feel so sick seeing accounts that are clearly run by young teenagers saying shit like ‘Losing weight so I can wear brandy Melville’ and ‘I don’t wanna be a skeleton I just wanna be fit and slim’… or they’ll be like 200lbs with a goal weight of 130. I am SO SICK TO DE*TH of people with very high SW and absolutely average/healthy BMI UGW. And that’s not me saying oh they’re fat how cringe, it’s because holy shit you don’t want an ED. You think you do but you don’t. I have seen accounts like these go on for YEARS, and you know what always, always happens? They restrict like crazy, lose about 20-40 lbs, then their body can’t take it and they start binging and gaining, and at that point they’re too far gone and stuck in the cycle for years, remaining kinda chubby. Again, this is not an insult but years and years of experience. An ED comes from a lot but it does not come from wanting to be a healthy weight, and if you’re putting yourself through that much weight loss and you already have an ED the least you can do for yourself is high restrict for the first part.

What I will say is that the most skinny people I’ve ever seen on here, and the most sustained progress I’ve ever had is through prolonged high res. This is coming from someone who already started slim and got very underweight at one point.

These kids have issues, this way of losing weight seems more exciting and feels like a coping mechanism when it isn’t. I’ve been there, the only difference is I unfortunately wasn’t satisfied with just a kinda healthy fit skinny. If you’re someone who would be okay being slightly underweight or just really toned, and you’re convinced your ED is just about losing weight, it isn’t and I can almost guarantee you you are not going to get where you want. I’ve seen thousands of ED accounts by now. You know how many have hit their UGW? Maybe, MAYBE 0.5%. Of course I’ve obsessively seen how and 9/10 they always have regular phases of high restriction and find ways of not distressing their body too much, they very slowly cut down calories.

If you’re young, overweight and your goal is just to be kinda skinny and fit then you are almost never going to make it by starving fast, I’m sorry. You have to figure out where your desire to be disordered comes from and fix that shit before it’s too late, before it becomes your entire life and ruins your chance at getting the body you want. I have seen it first hand so many times, people who could have eaten 1500 a day and lost a shit ton but they force themselves to compete and go deep into their ED, and a week after their low res they gain 10lbs. I’ve seen people stuck there for years. I don’t expect anyone who’s already deep in their disorder to change because y’all know and have seen this already, you won’t be able to admit you’re not the exception and that’s okay. I’m really sorry. But if you think there’s any chance you could enjoy the process of losing weight and even treating it like restricting while you’re being healthy, if you’re young and maybe just a few months or even a whole year in, please don’t. I have grown up with mutuals from like 14 to adulthood and I have seen them binge and restrict and remain overweight for 4+ years. You’ve got to find another option if you’re truly doing this for your body to change and not because you can’t stop doing it anymore, because one day it will be too late and you will have lost years of your life being miserable dedicated to being skinny, and you won’t even get there.

🎃

[psychoptimistic]

Lost 4 pounds in the past couple weeks or so! I was 140 lbs and now I'm 136 lbs. I know it's not much but I don't want to lose too fast then gain it all back. I want to keep it off for good this time. I'm hoping to reach my first gw (130 lbs) in the next couple weeks. I haven't been heavily restricting these past couple weeks. I've been staying around 1000 kcals a day because I figured that would be the best way to avoid binging. I was right in doing so. I haven't binged yet and I'm glad! I also started a new job that requires me to stay on my feet for long periods of time and moving around a lot so I'm sure that's helping too. I know eating disorders are a horrible thing but mine brings me so much comfort (when it's going well and I'm not binging anyway). I've been so anxious this week wondering how much I weigh. I'm trying to only weigh once a week so I don't get discouraged by water weight or bloat. Anyways, all that anxiety melted away this morning when I discovered I'm down a few pounds. I love having my eating disorder back ❤️

[brainrot71]

Starting this today!

Day 1: hw:140lbs / 63.5kgs

low weight: 94lbs / 42.6kgs

current weight: 98.2lbs / 44.5kgs

Goal weight: 90 lbs / 40 kgs

Day 2: I’m 5’2 and honestly yeah I love my height, I feel like it makes me super cute and I can wear heels without being taller than anyone really so I’m happy with it.

Day 3: I would kill to have her body’s side profile literally a dream 😭

Day 4: greatest fear about weight loss is honestly not being able to stop, or just gaining it all back one day and none of this being worth it

Day 5: I’m genuinely doing it to be beautiful, nothing in my life means anything if I’m not beautiful I know that sounds terrible but I genuinely mean that. I’m only doing it for myself.

Day 6: yes :( I think it’s just because I get so hungry sometimes that it doesn’t seem worth it, that I’m not gonna gain from it, that I’ll be different. But obviously that’s never true. I’m actually currently dealing with the consequences of one.

Day 7: nope and even if she caught on I don’t think she’d do anything tbh I’m a grown adult

Day 8: just a few bed workouts every day

Day 9: no not yet thank god

Day 10: I haven’t given up any foods tbh

Day 11: I don’t have one yet

Day 12: I eat a variety of things

Day 13: trying to do it healthy ish

Day 14: 90 - 85 lbs

Day 15: no, but I’d heavily consider turning vegetarian but I don’t think I can cut out dairy and eggs

Day 16: around 2 years ish ago?

Day 17: yes

Day 18: pastries :(

Day 19: today lol

Day 20: fasting and high res

Day 21: I’m actually not sure I need to re check my sizes

Day 22: 94 lbs, fucking metabolism days I really hope I drop again soon I know I can make it to 90 pounds

Day 23: eh no not really tbh I feel like the media doesn’t show the body type I want that often

Day 24: I’m not sure how to respond to that ngl

Day 25: yes, one time I binged and I felt so disgustingly full after I tried to throw up, it was awful, it didn’t work and I just felt even worse after do not start purging.

Day 26: finally feeling skinny, learning how to maintain, being beautiful

Day 27: drinking ALOT of water or 0 cal drinks I promise it helps a lot

Day 28: yes, I think it makes me look more like a doll

Day 29: a monster high / brats doll

Day 30: 94 lbs back to my low weight finally 🤧

[d3adpill]

doing this to distract myself from food thoughts👍🏽 will be updating daily.

1) 5 ft 3in, 166 lbs (fat yes ik)

2) 5'3, i dont mind my height but i feel like it makes it harder to lose weight

3) this is my ideal body here, skinny but still curvy.

4) my greatest fear about wl is that people will treat me differently only bc i got skinny. i hate fake ppl. also i'm scared my ed will ruin my relationship.

5) im doing it for me. i'm not really sure why though, im just sick of feeling like a pig.

6) i have ednos so unfortunately yes, i do binge. i can go days eating nothing, or days eating my whole pantry, or whatever in between it really depends on where my head's at.

7) my mom knows but ive had an ed for so long, lost a bunch of weight but gained most of it back so as far as she knows i just check my weight occasionally.

8) i dont have one yet im working on it😭 i do have a few dance workout vids saved that i plan to start following along with soon.

9) i've always been on the chunkier end growing up so go figure. it never ends.

10) i've skipped out on so many events and moments with my friends and loved ones because i felt too fat to go outside.

11) i dont have one but im on edtwt more if that counts.

12) as i said earlier i have ednos so it really depends. my eating is all over the place. fast one day, 200 cals one day, binge next day, 500 cals the next, etc you get the point. my birthday is next month so i've been trying to restrict as hard as i can before then but i still fall victim to binges here and there.

updating tmr.

-Pill 💉🥩

[inorganicpixie]

I really think so long as I stay consistent with working out and running and trying to just eat healthy/normal I could probably get myself down to a 27.5 in waist by the time my partner and I go to a concert in 5weeks.

27 in would be totally preferable of course. But I’m trying to be realistic on how things don’t always work out the way I’d like with trying to eat healthy normal and not res or binge.

Then again the few days leading up to the event maybe I will just do like a mini diet to give myself and little extra boost of confidence 🤷‍♀️

I have done stricter dieting for a week or two before a specific event previously. Like before I go to a music festival. I loose a 2-4 extra and I don’t eat as much that day except maybe right before the event. I don’t worry as much about being hungry or food when I’m at concerts or festivals since I’m usually preoccupied with dancing and having fun. Then I just go back to my usual way of eating. I often gain the few lbs back within a few weeks after. But I still am glad I was able to look slightly slimmer specifically for an event.

[apo1ogeticallymyself]

Food log 27 (8/7)

Binge

Weight: 160.25 lbs

⭐️The number is higher my day is ruined⭐️

(It’s just water, it’s just water, it’s just water…)

Woke up went walking for 6 hours then binged

Intake

Cherry-berry-brownie bowl - 346 cal

Kirstys vegan Lasagne + salad - 273 cal

Sweet and sour tofu- Cauliflower rice + Vegan duck rolls - 338 cal

2x Pepsi max mango 500 ml - 4 cal

Cherry Coke Zero 500ml - 2 cal

Diet Coke 500ml - 2 cal

Monster white - 11 cal

Sugar free gum - 2 cal

BINGED

Total: unknown

Exercise

Went to bed early because I was sad so these are from memory

18.7 miles / 39,000 steps

Fitbit calories: 4700 burnt

Notes

I can’t believe I binged, I didn’t even really want to? I just did it

Purged, taken some laxatives to help get rid off All the water weight I’ll gain

Tomorrow I’ll walk 20 miles and fast until 6:20PM (24 hrs) then I’m just gonna go back to normal and ignore this.

If I try hard I can undo this in just a few days

[1800batty]

† 11.13.2023 - monday †

--------------------------------------------

☆ 𝚕𝚒𝚖𝚒𝚝: 0

☆ 𝚠𝚎𝚒𝚐𝚑-𝚒𝚗

↳ 243.6lbs // 110.5kg // 37.0bmi

--------------------------------------------

🦇 𝚋𝚛𝚎𝚊𝚔𝚏𝚊𝚜𝚝

↳ N/A

total: 0 calories

🦇 𝚕𝚞𝚗𝚌𝚑

↳ Binge: ↳ Ravioli ~ 700 cals ↳ Chicken nuggets ~ 440 cals ↳ French fries ~ 300 cals ↳ Chick-fil-a sauce ~ 400 cals ↳ Pepperoni ~ 450 cals

total: 2290 calories

🦇 𝚍𝚒𝚗𝚗𝚎𝚛

↳  N/A

total: 0 calories

🦇 𝚎𝚡𝚝𝚛𝚊

↳ Banana ~ 105 cals ↳ 2 reeses' cups ~ 160 cals ↳ Chocolate bar ~ 100 cals

total: 365 calories

--------------------------------------------

🦇 𝚠𝚊𝚝𝚎𝚛

↳ ?

--------------------------------------------

🦇 𝚜𝚝𝚎𝚙𝚜

↳ 12,055

--------------------------------------------    

🦇 𝚎𝚡𝚎𝚛𝚌𝚒𝚜𝚎

↳ Weighted infinity hula hoop (50 minutes) ↳ Pushups (35) ↳ Situps (20) ↳ Arm circles (100 forwards, 100 backwards) ↳ Overhead arm weight lifts (80) ↳ Bicep curls (100 each arm, 200 total) ↳ Backwards chair pushups (20) ↳ Just dance (40 minutes) ↳ Pacing (2+ hours)

total: -2,705 calories

--------------------------------------------    

> † 𝚝𝚘𝚝𝚊𝚕: ~ 2,655c

> ☆ 𝚕𝚒𝚖𝚒𝚝 𝚖𝚎𝚝?: ☑️ (by net cals)

> † 𝚝𝚘𝚝𝚊𝚕 𝚋𝚞𝚛𝚗𝚎𝚍: 2,705c

> ☆ 𝚗𝚎𝚝: -50c

> † 𝚋𝚒𝚗𝚐𝚎𝚍? ☑️

> ☆ 𝚙𝚞𝚛𝚐𝚎𝚍? ? (does exercise count lolz)

--------------------------------------------

☆ 𝚗𝚘𝚝𝚎𝚜 ☆

Actively self sabotaged bc it was day 1 of new diet and I'm dumb lolz. But I worked out for at least 4 hours and was able to burn all of it off, although I did almost collapse a few times anddd had a couple breakdowns during it when I felt like I wasn't going to be able to burn it all off. But I managed to do it somehow woooo. I really wanted to purge (via vom) but I stopped doing that earlier this year and I rlly don't wanna go back to that, plus I've been super paranoid about my teeth lately, but at least it's forcing me to work out. Which is nice, I've been wanting to gain muscle lately. And I actually ended up not gaining a single thing from the binge, I maintained completely somehow :DD I estimated the cal amounts for a lot of what I ate, as well as how much I ate bc I actually don't remember exactly so it's probably not the most accurate. But ik for a fact it was 2000-3000 cals. Hoping the rest of the diet goes better, I'm trying to hit a gw by thanksgiving,,, a goal weight that is like 14 lbs away, with like 10 days to do it sooo wish me luck lololz

† 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚜𝚙𝚘 †

[empticals]

oct wl !

sw (oct 1): 137.8 lbs

cw (oct 9): 137.4

i was making rlly good progress and I'm so mad at myself for having two bad days in a row where I just ate like total shit but if I get back on track like I was starting right now I should be back down to 134 lbs ina fes days and ik its only 4 lbs but I'm still upset :( but ill survive lol I just need to get back on track

either way ive stil lost weight and as long as i start losing again, whether I'm higher or lower than the weight i was at a few days ago, ill still be happy to be losing weight so yeah i need to get back on track

im also gonna start weighing myself only in the mornings bc when I weigh myself mid day and see that I gained some weight it triggers a binge so I need to stop doing that and change my routines to what will actually work for me

[fadingstarryskies]

my trip was nice! and there was a place that had sugar free boba flavors (obv boba still has sugar but the flavor i got was nice. then i got half sweet thai tea the next time)

I got a bee themed teapot its sooo cute (free gift of 6 cookies from it i just had one lemon cookie but so good) and at another place it was free gift if spend 20 idk what I bought but the gift was bee themed oven mitt!!! i luv bees

tw 3d

(meticulous but inaccurate calorie counting and fretting)

between fri afternoon and sun evening I gained 7.5 lbs? evem w binging it never fluctuated that much? but this morning after I had egg and butter toast It was back to 4 lb higher. so maybe once I digest everything and eat fiber but less than 1000 ill be back down. im sure I "for real" at least gained a lb tho but thats fine well just wait till tmr morning.

fri I fasted 24 hrs then just had a bit of chicken quesadilla from costco NOT a restaurant so it was a healthy day.

sat. breakfast abt 400 cals high protein bc they had low cal turkey sausage and egg white omelette! i still had a pancake tho

then I got an americano with sugar free syrup and skim milk. didnt count after this but I had a few bites of piecr of lemon pound cake which I finished that night so lets say thats 500 cal.

then sushi I just had a roll and 3 small pc sashimi and hot tea so lets say 700 not as bad as if we went literally anywhere else it had a lot of fish per roll hence protein.

then got the teapot and hence the cookie and sugar free boba lets say 300 cal.

restaurant with chicken dinner and i was gonna have salad w piece of chicken had long ass waiting line so like we went home and ordered food ;-; which was half calzone and 2 sliders for me but then I also became in binging mode and had macarons we brought before and hot cocoa and rest of the cake and a piece of quesadilla that was left. so uh yeah idk cals at this point but I was already at 2000 so lets say 3000 for the whole day.

then yesterday had the egg white omelette thai tea boba - 500

chicken burger - 600

and pizza - 600

so I guess that SHOULD be just above maintaining and I worked out both days. unhealthy food but like. it was really only one day of actual binging I should not have gained more than a lb hope im okay pls pls

I rly wanted to just starve today but I was workin on essay so HAD to have the toast and will also have to have a bit of rice later hope I can at least fast 18 hrs after that

need to buy NOTHING at the airport except maybe a water

[adayinthelifeofb]

Welcome to my life.

Hi everybody (anybody...) !

Opening this blog was a big step for me. I have been thinking of doing it for a couple of weeks now but I couldn't find the courage. I wanna introduce myself a little, even if no one ever sees this post.

Hello, I am B, 24 years old, I have two ginger cats (my baby on my profile pic). I've dealt with anxiety my entire life, I am diagnosed with BPD since I was 17, no medication, no therapy (lmao I need it). Also diagnosed with ADHD since I was like 5, unmedicated again (lmaoooo). I dealt with severe depression for an entire decade, from 2009 to 2020 (11 to 22). I got out of it (unmedicated too, listen, I said I was a mess). I dealt with alcoholism when I was 17 (2015), got sober, on my one year anniversary I used drugs for the first time and became heavily addicted to speed (early 2017). I heavily relied on it for 4 years, greatest love of my life, helped me stay alive. Got to my breaking point on February 9th 2021 and I celebrated my 2 years anniversary last month !!! Hardest thing I've ever done. Haven't popped a single pill since.

I was an anorexic during my addiction, everything turned around food consumption, calories burning. Would only eat once a week for months at a time, on and off for 4 years. When I stopped using, I started binge eating. The past two years have been uncontrollable for me. The first year, I went in a state of mind where it was better stuffing my face rather than popping a pill. I gained 100 lbs in the process, in 12 months. Not even exagerating. I gained another 20 lbs during the second year. Two weeks ago, I said enough was enough. I was at 119.5 kgs. I started doing these 2 videos on youtube, cardio for plus size people, 20 minutes. I did 7 sessions in 11 days. Let's see how it's gonna go !!

I have a boyfriend, my soulmate, the love of my life. I met him summer 2017. It has been a rocky relationship to say the least. When we met, he was more of an addict than I ever have been. We were a couple after 5 days, moved in after 3 weeks. He got clean late 2018. He has been my anchor ever since we met. He is my biggest emotional support. Every year our couple is getting stronger and stronger, every year is better than the last. I don't know how I'd survive without him in my life. He was/still is my first ever boyfriend/relationship. I've never wanted to pursue dating, until I met him, I was 19, he was 20. He was the same, never had a girlfriend either. Going through mindless, unemotional sex with unknown faces. When we met, we both knew. We were made to be together. It was hard but I would do it all over again and again and again.

I graduated high school in 2014 at 16, I never did anything else with my life. Only worked at shitty fast food jobs that made me wanna die. I went back to school last august, in Infography. Found out it wasn't my place after 3 months, pursued Secretary instead. Started February 28th. I've been doing amazing so far.

I have a very small family. It's only my mom and sister. I have a brother but he lives very far away, we didn't stay in contact. My mom lives a couple hours away from me, she has preschool twin boys and she takes care of my grampa who has dementia since christmas 2019. My sister lives in another continent with her girlfriend since 2018, we keep in touch daily but she only comes around once a year for a few weeks.

Long post, but kinda explain every aspect of my life I could possibly write about in my future posts. I actually can't wait to start talking to myself ! This post got me all excited !!

[elliebear666]

It's 4 am and I woke up at 3:50 in the morning. I've been waking up every single goddamn night around 3-6 am. This is because my psychiatrist, due to Zyprexa causing constant hunger and weight gain, changed me to a different antipsychotic.

However, thanks to this change, I've lost almost 20 lbs. But the waking up every night is difficult and I'm worried it will push me into a depressive or manic episode/exacerbate personality symptoms.

So, anyway... things I've noticed after 8 years of therapy:

1. I still deal with "splitting." You're good, amazing, perfect, the best thing in my life, I want to talk to you all the time to: You're a worthless piece of shit and I hope you fucking die and rot in the heat of the sun. I hate you so much I would laugh if you died. Sometimes, these thoughts spill into my world when I just spew horrible shit from my mouth or fingertips. I have said... horrifically awful things to people when I've split on them. Tbf, these days, I'm mostly splitting on favorite persons or family and it is usually less often.

2. I still occasionally have explosive anger/rage outbursts, almost get into physical fights, get tunnel vision over internet fights, have difficulty controlling my anger. It is not nearly as bad as before, though. I used to constantly blow up, and the people in my life told me they felt like they were always "walking on eggshells." Which makes me feel incredibly ashamed and guilty… I've had anger and rage problems since I was little.

3. My relationships are still stormy and intense, and either involve me becoming initially completely and utterly infatuated or obsessed and "falling in love" at the drop of a hat, or eventually becoming obsessed. Not in every potential relationship, but the vast majority. I get jealous and insecure and constantly fear abandonment, which can lead me to seeking reassurance and validation that I'm valued in the relationship. Which, apparently, is difficult to deal with. At least my jealousy isn't as bad as it used to be. It used to be… BAD BAD. It caused me to act in very possessive ways that were detrimental to the relationship and hurt my partners.

4. I still have paranoia and paranoid ideations when particularly stressed, and sometimes just in general. Something happens in my life and my brain automatically looks for patterns of why this "isn't a coincidence." It's led me down some dark rabbit holes. A few years ago I spent months looking for cameras in my room because I was so stressed out by a flying monkey situation and wondered if they had put cameras in my room lmao

5. I still dissociate. It isn't as severe as it used to be. I used to like… spend days not even there. I'd just wear a placid and empty expression as I swam in utter nothingness. I'd watch myself from afar, feeling like I was living life from behind a thick, foggy glass window. I felt like I wasn't real, I felt like nothing was real, and wondered many times if I was just asleep and when I'd wake up. Due to dissociation and just generally not being present most of the time - not even related to dissociation - I haven't made a lot memories… which can make me feel like I have no history, that my life is this strange sequence of events that I only partially partake in.

6. I still feel empty. It isn't NEARLY as bad as before. Like… my god, I used to do anything and everything I could to fill the emptiness. Sex, drugs, impulsive road trips, hurting myself, alcohol, buying things, binge eating and then feeling ashamed and purging. I would get into relationships and situationships just to assuage this crippling emptiness whose existence stifled most of the joy or passion in my life. I felt like a hollow shell of a human being and, at one point, toldy therapist that I felt like, if I took a knife to my wrists and cut myself open, there would he nothing beneath my skin. Just an agonizing, echoing emptiness. I had to do SOMETHING, ANYTHING to distract myself from how utterly and completely hollow I felt on the inside. It was just… my god. I cannot express the amount of suffering I experienced due to constantly feeling empty…

7. My impulsivity is vastly reduced. I used to like… all the time anything went wrong, or I felt too empty, or bored, hurt, angry, etc. do something incredibly impulsive to soothe those intense emotions. Whether that was buying things I shouldn't have, binge eating, drinking alcohol and using drugs, having sex with a bunch of different partners, or jumping into relationships. It was all very self destructive.

8. My sense of self used to be borderline nonexistent. I didn't know who I was or what I wanted out of life. I changed my opinions and goals and likes often as I relentlessly chased something resembling stability. I felt like I became the people I was around - my mom used to comment, in a worried way, that it was like I, in a way "became my partners." She said it was upsetting and scary. I was an empty chameleon, desperately trying to find love and acceptance. I would reinvent myself every once in a while, though not to the extreme, usually in the form of changing how I would dress or act. Now, I feel like I have a more concrete sense of self. It isn't constantly shifting, even though I still feel directionless and don't know what I want out of life or, in some ways, who I am. Like… I wonder sometimes if the personality I'm projecting is even me or just another persona that I'm wearing. I'd like to think that I'm me now, but sometimes I wonder….

9. Self harm and suicidal ideations and threats… golly gee willikers. I used to hurt the shit out of myself. I'd cut myself, burn myself, punch myself, hit my face and body. Even while I was working, I'd cut myself in the bathroom… I threatened countless times to end my life over… oftentimes situations that didn't warrant such a reaction. Then, after most breakups, I would become extremely suicidal, thinking I was an evil piece of shit that deserved to be "abandoned" or I would feel that I had been mistreated and would react with rage. Most of the time, I would default to self harm and suicide attempts/ideation even if I was initially angry. I got locked up a few times after the breakup that happened a few years ago. Got put in the back of a police car once and brought to the mental ward and had my family threaten me with lock up… god, idk how many times lmao. I've been hurting myself, in one way or another, since I was a teen. These days, I'm not hurting myself much. I burned myself about 6 or 7 times after a guy rejected me, and fell into a deep depression, planned my suicide, would drink constantlying, etc. But I haven't harmed myself in months :)

10. Intense emotional swings. So… I have always been a very intense and emotional person. Since I was little, I felt like, sometimes, the emotions inside my little body were too big for such a small vessel. As I aged, my mood became increasingly erratic and unstable. It got VERY bad while I was working. I would feel one intense emotion over some trigger, and would experience a prolonged episode after the fact. It would feel like… if I was angry at a situation, I would be infuriated, homicidal, shaking with rage. And then I would shift to elated joy and euphoria that felt like I was having a manic episode. From there, I would go anywhere. Sometimes into a deep and dark despair, to feeling like I was agonizingly alone and rejected or abandoned. I feel like… I just was always in pain tbh. About one thing or another. I feel like I was horribly sensitive to the world around me and every little thing would elicit an extreme reaction. So, before I got diagnosed bipolar, I told my old psychiatrist that I was experiencing what I believed to be "rapid cycling bipolar symptoms." However, bipolar doesn't cause extreme emotional responses to everything all day. I could go to work feeling on top of the world, then go from that to despair, anger, infatuation, insecurity, or any of a plethora of emotions, and each one was just… a huge wave of feelings. It became absolutely and completely exhausting. I was exhausted by my changes in mood. These days, I'm not reacting as extremely as I was to every little thing. I'm not always in as much pain, I'm not constantly shifting emotional states and moods. I feel like I've found, in some ways - as long as literally nothing goes wrong lmao - a sense of stability. I'm still intense, but my reactions are not as severe as they used to be and my moods are not CONSTANTLY reacting to every little thing in my life.

11. Abandonment. I touched on this to an extent… but this will go into it in more depth. So… I have had a fear of abandonment and being left alone since I was little, but it was mostly about my mom. As a teen, and as I developed bonds with friends, I began to worry about being left by my friends. As I got older and became more interested in relationships, despite having issues with dysphoria and sex and intimacy, that fear of abandonment and rejection sensitivity became overwhelming. In any rejection scenario, I have frantically and pathetically tried to prevent what I perceived as "abandonment." I would develop these very intense and all consuming bonds with people and often come to believe that the relationship was closer and more intimate than it really was. In relationships, I would hurt myself or sometimes say I might hurt myself when faced with abandonment. Not an idle threat, but a real and true possibility and, often times, an eventual reality. It's been bad throughout my adult life, specifically, but it was horrendous with the girl I dated a few years ago. I was jealous, insecure, possessive, and constantly feared that she would abandon me. However, my unstable disposition, my anger outbursts, jealousy and insecurity served only to drive her away. As the relationship was coming to an end, I became increasingly erratic and frantic as I tried to convince her I was worth it. I begged, I stalked her in an attempt to her to talk to me, I sent countless texts, emails, made new phone numbers to contact her, snapchat, tumblr. I harassed her for months… and I feel so fucking guilty and ashamed that I have tortured myself with self-harm and physical and emotional self-flagellation. I went to insanely extreme lengths to prevent this abandonment. I pretended I ran out of gas on a road trip, I can't even remember everything I did. It was absolutely fucking crazy and toxic and scary and bizarre. I tried to kill myself in this one incident and desperately called her friend crying and screaming… I'd taken a lethal dose of psych meds and… my god I just… I feel so fucking ashamed. I hated myself. I wanted to kill myself over this unhinged behavior. I'm sorry… I truly, truly am sorry. I wish I could take it all back… but fucking can't. I'm sorry. I didn't… I don't think I really realized how bad things were getting. I didn't realize what the effects of my undiagnosed BPD was going to do to anyone. I couldn't even think past my own pain and suffering and extreme emotional problems and issues with self-regulation. These days, it's still a issue. It isn't NEARLY as severe. It's bad but… not AS bad. I still get frantic when I fear I'm being abandoned, I might beg and plead, I will act out impulsively in some misguided attempt to keep them close. But more often than not, this serves to push others away, not keep them close. It definitely has not gone to the extreme lengths of the past. I hope it never does again. I will make sure I don't get that bad again.

So… at this point, I feel like I'm so much better than I used to be. But like, things aren't perfect. And I worry sometimes I will continue to have these issues for many years to come. I'm not sure what to do about dismantling every maladaptive pattern and dealing with extreme reactions to life events, fears of abandonment, emptiness, anger and rage.

I want to be better, entirely. But sometimes I wonder if better is more a state of mind than an actual state of existence.