#so the intrusive thoughts like this... they're probably not going anywhere

[robotsprojekt]

dealing with FUCKED intrusive thoughts rn it's awful. but they're not even perverted or socially damning like they usually would be they're just... sad. but they won't stop coming up. i thought the obsessive "RELAPSE RELAPSE RELAPSE" thoughts were bad but honestly this is way worse. i don't wanna think about death please. i want to be a normal happy person. make my meds work NOW!!!!!

[hellofanidea]

45. leather belt with a silver buckle for babelieb

NSFW below the cut because I did in fact think about my rarepair fucking on the floor for too long

---

The first time they screw, more than just hurried hands and mouths, is in a motel just outside of Philadelphia. They don't plan it, both exhausted from the last three days - from driving and not sleeping and the fight Babe had with his folks and his sisters and Bill as he bundled his shit into Joe's car.

They've gotten a twin room, ostensibly to save money but mostly to stay in each other's sight at all times, and lingering touches turn to kisses, turn to Joe pushing Babe against a wall and grinding a thigh between his legs as he sucks hickeys into his collarbone.

"Jesus, Joe, Jesus Christ," is all Babe can say, his hands refusing to cooperate as he grabs at him. Joe's still dressed where Babe is just in his shorts, fresh from the shower and ready to sleep, and his fingertips keep sliding off the fabric of Joe's shirt. "Joe, fuck-"

"Thought you missed me?" Joe pants slyly. Babe makes a particularly inarticulate noise and gropes down Joe's front to get at his slacks, at the belt keeping them up around his bony hips. The buckle is almost bitingly cold, but he persists, grabs at Joe's erection below it as he slides the leather free. "Fu-uck, Babe-"

They don't move apart more than a handful of inches as they strip Joe of his layers and rid Babe of his boxers. They barely make it to one of the beds.

"So pretty," Joe mumbles, between smearing kisses anywhere he can reach and fumbling with the lube he's magicked up from a pocket or bag or could have summoned out of thin air for all that Babe cares. "My pretty baby..."

He's being so much sweeter than the normal filth he would pour into Babe's ear in haylofts and foxholes, and it does something funny to his insides, makes him writhe all the more desperately against him.

The people next door can probably hear them, know exactly what they're doing, but fuck them, Babe thinks viciously, fuck them, he's owed this, they're both owed this. Let them know, let them see them emerge tomorrow and think whatever they want, because they aren't worth the energy it would take for Babe to drag himself away from Joe again.

Restraint is for other people. It's for people who haven't jumped out of planes and fired machine guns and seen their friends bleed in the snow like animals. It's for people who know how to move on without feeling like they've left most of themselves behind.

And then Joe is pushing his fingers in, one at a time. There's more pain than pleasure at first, but Babe just breathes through it, hooking one leg up and over Joe's back. He bites more than kisses at Joe's mouth until the intrusion hits just right and he's keening, scratching down his shoulders, rocking into the sensation.

It makes Joe groan like he's the one being fucked open. He's smearing precum onto Babe's hip, and Babe twists his body to give him some friction.

"If I go off now," warns Joe. "It's gonna take a minute for me to get in you."

That makes Babe laugh, and he cants his hips again so he can watch Joe grunt and curse. In revenge, Joe crooks his fingers hard and mean in a way that sends pleasure shooting through Babe so violently he shudders, spine arching off of the mattress in a curve he didn't know he could make. Joe laughs, then, and licks into Babe's gasping mouth.

"Think I could get you off like this, huh, sweetheart?" And there's the sharper teasing Babe remembers. "Just like this, then screw you when you're all fucked-out and easy for me?"

"Jesus, Joe, don't," Babe whines, even though the thought has his dick twitching eagerly.

"Yeah, okay, maybe next time," Joe acquiesces.

Next time. Babe arches again, squeezing his eyes shut at the wave of something that travels through him at the thought. They had never had a guaranteed next time before. Not even after V-J Day. Next time, and the time after, and the time after-

He shoots off before he can even warn Joe, his whole body locking up tight and then completely unraveling. There's a shout ringing in his ears that he thinks is Joe's name bouncing off of the walls of the motel room.

"Fuck, there you go, that's it, show me how you like it-"

The fingers in him curl into that perfect spot again and again until Babe's leg is twitching with the aftershocks. His tongue feels too heavy to form words, but the pitch of his noises must turn sour, because Joe pulls out gently, keeps his legs spread around him but bending over Babe to press soft, open mouthed, kisses to his neck and shoulders.

He's still talking, too quietly for Babe to make out the words, but the vibrations against his skin are nice, soothing, help his mind refocus from how hard his orgasm crashed into him. With the tips of his fingers still tingling with static, Babe moves clumsy hands from where they'd fallen against the mattress to Joe's back, petting at him weakly, feeling the jut of his vertebrae and the thin sheen of sweat building on his skin.

"Alright, Babe, I gotcha, I gotcha, that's it, honey," Joe is cooing, the words once again making sense to Babe's ears. He laughs, a blissed out, disbelieving noise, and Joe lifts his head to give him a wicked grin. "Okay, so maybe we don't leave it to next time, huh?"

[sufferu]

ngl emilia on btz feels very off, on her base morals rather than her panic. wouldn't the same logic applied to subaru for "it might hurt now but will be good for you in the long run" be applied to meili as well? elsa is a person that actually enjoys torturing people. there's no reason to keep her other than making meili happier right now, but having her around would not be any good, even for meili, in the long run. and we see she's willing to sacrifice that momentary happiness for the greater good with subaru.

my second point is that subaru very rarely begs for mercy when dying, and I think that makes it hit harder. I think that's why the whale death stuck so much with wilhelm, not just because yep whale, but because of subaru's desperate "I don't want to die". it's very jarring to see a loved one be so scared for their lives. so it feels really off when emilia gets on friendly terms with julius after the duel where subaru pretty much begs for mercy, desperately wants to tap out and surrenders, only to get further brutalized in return, even with ferris telling him to stop. it almost sounds like had ferris not been there subaru would have reset. and I don't think that's the kind of image that leaves your mind, for like years (taking into account that they're in re zero, because irl I don't think that would ever go away).

and it's not the sort of thing that can be rationalized either, telling yourself that their intentions were good does not make the knee-jerk reactions go away. (I'm sure this will be seen with subaru too, on btz3)

we see wilhelm get emotional/angry when he's reminded of that moment with the whale. i think emilia would have a similar reaction to say, seeing rem. and now to seeing julius as well, being reminded of subaru desperate to surrender.

specially after the fact, it probably gives the intrusive thought of "it's taking me everything I have to push subaru away right now, how can your panic almost make you kill him"

her getting together with the guy that almost killed him is not even just a misunderstanding from subaru's perspective, or something he's taking the wrong way, it's straight up what happens.

julius ain't beating the partner-beating allegations, that's twice now lmao 😭

thoughts?

A couple things:

1) Emilia’s decision about Subaru was not actually based in logic: it was based in panic. From her perspective, she had literally JUST watched him die thousands of times, gone back, watched him nearly get beaten to death AGAIN, and then listened as he basically confirmed that he was willing to do “whatever it takes” to make her happy. She is going to need a lot of time before she is able to revisit this train of thought with anything resembling a clear head.

2) Keeping Elsa alive isn’t necessarily a terrible idea, because she can still be useful and it is possible to keep her on a leash. Everyone else thinks it’s an awful idea at first, but Meili and Emilia vouching for her good behavior — especially Meili, who will openly take the fall for it if Elsa does anything to cross them — does ultimately mean that she’s going to behave herself. This gamble pays off.

3) Can’t spoil how their relationship develops without just giving everything away, but I’ll just say that how Julius is received post-duel is very dependent on how Subaru appears to react to him, how Julius appears to conduct himself around him, and how helpful he appears to be in the collective effort to keep Subaru safe and cared for. And like — it’s not like he did that and then showed zero remorse and threatened to do it again or something, he IS actually making a concerted and genuine effort to be a helpful and comforting presence in Subaru’s life. It’s not like he’s Elsa, who is not allowed anywhere NEAR Subaru precisely because she actually does not have any remorse for her previous actions (and would not have had any even if she DID remember violently murdering him two times in a row).

[lavenderobject58]

#2: What Was I Just Thinking? by Kuwabara Tamotsu

[Content warning: violence, blood]

toxic yuri am i right ahaha If you've heard of Kuwabara Tamotsu, its likely from his manga Destroy It All and Love Me in Hell!, an ongoing series popular among some of my edgiest lesbian friends. It's a great manga, and I'll probably end up writing about that manga at some point or another, but that's not what this post is about. Instead, I'm writing about Kuwabara's 2020 oneshot What Was I Just Thinking?, a manga that covers similar themes of love, sex, and violence, but with a different perspective and tone. In it, Makabe, the protagonist, struggles with her violent intrusive thoughts directed towards her friend Hoshizaki. After the latter reveals that she's actually a masochist, the two go back to her apartment and get sadomasochistic. It's a little cute, actually, even if the way it goes down is pretty fucked up on Makabe's part.

Kuwabara Tamotsu seems to really love taking these stressed-out, high-strung characters and giving them super unhealthy - usually violent - release valves. Obviously, there's a little more complexity to this specific situation than just that but it's essentially the core of Makabe's arc. The way we see her thought processes play out over the course of the manga paints this really fascinating picture of a woman who's so terrified of her own desires that when she finally lets them out she has no idea where - or even how - to stop. Classic yuri stuff, really. There are a few different ways you can interpret the dynamics at play outside of that, though. One of the things that for me really adds a layer of nuance to the relationship for me is how intentional Hoshizaki is about drawing certain reactions out of Makabe. There is obviously a huge difference between fucking with someone just to see what they're like when they're upset - which is just obnoxious friend behavior - and smacking the shit out of someone out of nowhere - which is assault - but the underlying motivations of both characters share some similarities, Hoshizaki is just a tad more subtle about it. And then there's that moment near the end, where Hoshizaki starts playing with Makabe's bruised hand in order to see what she looks like when she's in pain. There's a disparity in how much respect for boundaries each character has, and that's an important part of their dynamic, but I really like the way Hoshizaki isn't just a receptacle for Makabe's weird hangups. One might even say she "matches her freak".

There's also the fact that Makabe is a wimp. I think this is an important part of her character - she seems to have a bit of a complex about it, as we can see when she gets all defensive about having played ping pong in school, compared to the more athletic Hoshizaki. The fact that Hoshizaki seems more concerned about her hair being messed up than the bruising all over her face while Makabe's hands hurt so bad she can't even hold a cigarette is still kind of cute, and it makes her desires and motivations feel a lot more real.

Another fact of the matter is that these two women really are in love with each other. There are enough longing glances and flushed cheeks throughout the manga that we can be sure of that, and it's really not, like, normal friend stuff to want to hurt your bestie in order to understand her better. One really would hope that these two don't go on to build a relationship based off what they've established here, but come on. Look at them.

So what I find really interesting about this manga is that it's definitely toxic yuri, but it's presented in such a complex and sympathetic way that it almost makes you want to forget that fact? Like, obviously there's this big overarching layer of straight-up violence on the surface. And once you get to the core of the story it's about two characters nurturing a really unhealthy dynamic that's not going to take them anywhere good. But in between those two levels, there's this real sense of passion and romance and emotion that undercuts what would otherwise just be a total downer of a manga and turns it into something that's actually really cute, even while it maintains this sense of tension and fear and desperation that keeps you from getting too comfortable. It's also just really hot. If that all sounds good to you, you should read this comic (which I'll link below). You should also read Destroy It All and Love Me in Hell!, but more on that eventually. Probably. I'm still kind of figuring out what I want this blog to be, so no promises on anything, but you'll probably be seeing more of me throughout the week. Hope you all have a lovely Tuesday :)

[beanghostprincess]

I can't really decide if Usopp would hate Sanji's smoking habit or simply not care.

I mean it would be funny that he hides and throws away his boyfriend's cigarettes to the point where Sanji has to hide his cigarettes from Usopp so he doesn't hide them from him and the way Usopp just visually coughs any time he smells the slightest bit of smoke from him (or anywhere honestly, he's a bit of a drama queen) to make him at least a bit embarrassed (failed miserably) or when all of Sanji's hidden goods are suddenly gone in the middle of the sea (which may or may not be his boyfriend's doing) and they weren't going to arrive to any island for a few days so he had to hold onto the two little stumps he had left and just going into a straight up withdrawal and asking everyone if they smoked and falling into deeper desperation each time he heard a "no" and how Usopp would mock him and tell him "That's what you get, loser" and yes this is kind of cruel but he has no business smoking 24/7 killing his lungs like that he basically smells of smoke and I'm sure even tastes like smoke and I do not want to even think of the effect it has on his teeth.

Fun fact, my brother and I used to do that (throwing away my mom's cigarettes) so she stopped smoking. Well, my brother did that so she would stop smoking. I did that only to fuck with her, ngl.

And okay, this whole concept is extremely hilarious because I just got another ask talking about Usopp smoking and Sanji finding out casually and it's just,,, So funny. But I like both concepts a lot!! This one feels so funny to talk about and extremely canon, too. (OP's future note: I made this sad. I am sorry)

Like Usopp would hate Sanji smoking this much, right? He doesn't hate that he smokes (they're pirates and can do whatever they want, so of course he won't be telling him to stop smoking) but he hates that he does it constantly. All the time. He's fucking up his lungs and also the whole ship smells like cigarettes and his clothes too and Usopp is sick of trying to kiss him and tasting that in his mouth. And it's not THAT disgusting because Usopp is used to it and, after all, it's what reminds him of Sanji. It's a Sanji thing. But he's worried about his well-being and he wishes Sanji would at least only smoke like 2 cigarettes a day and not a whole fucking pack.

So he asks Chopper for advice because he's the doctor here and will probably know what to do when it comes to an addiction like this one. Chopper tells him that the only way to end an addiction is to go through a process of either gradually quitting or just directly stopping, but the latter might have more side effects due to the need to smoke all the time. After all, it is a drug.

But of course, Usopp is a drama queen and he goes all in with this elaborate plan to throw away all the cigarettes Sanji has and is all dramatic when he smokes close to him. Which is- Okay, I am actually not on Usopp's side here so I'm gonna make it a bit angsty. I am evil. *Evil laughter*.

Usopp keeps doing that every time he finds Sanji's cigarettes and whenever they go to an island and he tries to buy them. Sanji has been smoking less and less and less because he doesn't have any cigarettes left and it's driving him insane. Like- It's genuinely affecting him badly and Usopp is too caught up in his own morals and trying to be the good boyfriend he thinks he's being to realize that.

Sanji can't sleep well anymore. He's eating more because he has cravings he didn't have before. He's more anxious and way more irritable, which only makes him fight Zoro constantly (more than usual. Imagine the chaos). He can't even concentrate when cooking. And tbh his intrusive thoughts are coming back because what helped him concentrate and avoid them was smoking and doing something with his hands (why do you think he smokes so much??? That's his unhealthy coping mechanism, your honor).

And Usopp tries to act like everything is normal and like he's doing a good thing because he has no idea what Sanji is going through. He thinks it's just a lil punishment that won't last long. But it does last. And it is affecting Sanji a lot. And of course, the cook ends up snapping because there's no fucking way he can handle this anymore. And it's out of nowhere (from Usopp's perspective) because Sanji is just trying to cook and Usopp is on the kitchen table doing his own thing with his bombs. And he's making noises, but just the usual ones. The ones Sanji has never complained about. But it's bothering the cook anyway, for once, and it drives him wild to the point of turning around and yelling:

"Could you stop doing that?!"

"Wha- Doing what?"

"The little clingclingcling the fucking explosions your humming just- Shut up! I'm trying to cook for this whole crew and you're making it pretty fucking impossible!"

"You never had a problem with me being here before."

"I never had a problem with you at all before, so I guess there's a first time for everything!"

"... Are you alright, Sanji?"

"Oh! Why wouldn't I be, Usopp? I'm perfectly fine. Awesome, even. Since I quit smoking everything has been perfect!"

"Really?"

"Of course not, you moron! I've never been more fucked up in my whole life, why would you do this to me? Did- Did I hurt you somehow? Is this a punishment? Karma? What do you want from me? I'll do it, just- Stop this."

"Sanji, honey, I'm just doing this for your own good because-"

"For MY own good? Are you sure about that, Usopp? MY own good? Who do you think you are to decide that for me?"

"I don't know, your boyfriend, maybe?!"

"Usopp. I- I love you, okay? But you're making it really, really hard for me not to say some things I- Smoking is what keeps me going, Usopp, I can't quit it-"

"Of course you can! You stopped smoking a week ago-"

"And it has been the worst week of my entire life, Usopp. You can't just decide this for me I- This is what makes me feel I have control over my life! It's not the best but it's what I have and we're supposed to be pirates, don't we? Let me-"

"What? Let you fuck up your lungs only because it makes you feel a bit better? You'll die way before that!"

"But it's up to me to decide!"

"When you have people that love you, it's not up to you to decide if you die or not! You're always doing this! You did this in Skypiea and Whole Cake and- And you take so little care of yourself I had to do something!"

"Well, it's not working! You could've talked to me, maybe?!"

"You never listen!"

"Because you never talk! Why would you do this-"

"Because I'm in love with you and I don't want you to die! If you feel bad, you come to me. You don't need to destroy your lungs when I'm right here! You're not alone anymore, Sanji!"

"..."

"I just care about you, okay? I- I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done this without asking and I didn't know it would make you feel this bad but- But I just care about you and I understand if you want to break up-"

"I don't want to break up with you, dumbass. I just- Let me do this my own way? Stop smoking, I mean- I- I'm sorry, too. I just really need to. To stop thinking for a while."

"... I didn't throw away all your cigarettes. I still have a few I haven't-"

"No. No, mon coeur. Just- Do you want to go fish? Or- What new bombs were you making? Tell me about them. I'll probably have that cigarette later, though."

And then Chopper scolds Usopp for his behavior (of fucking course) because you can't just stop smoking suddenly like that. And Sanji starts smoking again but less and less every day with Usopp keeping an eye on him! I am very sad now after writing this! I'm gonna go cry! <3

[gojonanami]

https://www.tumblr.com/gojonanami/756493145924124673/its-one-of-those-nights-i-think-about?source=share

No Sab!!! Please don't deactivate!!! We all love you so much!!! 🥺😭

Your writing had really helped me through some very tough and stressful times. They give me so much joy, which turns into strength. Please don't deactivate 🥺 please don't leave 😭😭😭

I would get on my hands and knees and pray to the gojogeto gods and the fanfic gods for you to stay and remain in good mental and physical health. I would sacrifice my gojo plushie at the altar and cut him open like a lamb for you (lmao jkjk no gojo plushies were harmed, but still!!!). Please don't leave us 🙏🙏🙏

If at anytime in the future you get thoughts about deactivating, remember that all of your fans love you so much. Thousands of people online read your stories and absolutely love them and keep them close to their hearts like their own personal bible! Don't let the imposter syndrome and intrusive thoughts and the haters win! They're not worth your time!

Lots of love! Sending many warm wishes and hugs your way! ❤️❤️❤️

awww bb this ask makes me so happy — I reread it so many times over the last few days 😭🥹

promise I’m not going anywhere. that post was mostly an intrusive thought and the imposter syndrome kicking in. but I’m doing much much better and I promise I’m gonna keep writing :) and even if I stop, I’ll probably keep the blog up :)

love you so much — you’re absolutely the sweetest

[jessicasnow]

If you are Considering Leaving... for Good.

So, you're contemplating suicide and you're not sure where to go, this is about the most honest and blunt, most uncensored post you're going to find on the topic and why I feel you shouldn't do it.

Plainly, I feel you shouldn't do it because the problem you have is temporary. It sure doesn't feel like it right now. In fact, it probably feels like life is singling you out. It feels like you're not "allowed" to fit in anywhere because there's some big blockade in life that just prevents you from fitting in, from feeling good, from being healthy, from being safe... there is some force that is disallowing you to feel whole. You feel empty and worthless. You feel like it's time to call it quits, because the thing that is harming you happens to be life itself. Right?

Wrong. Through first had experience with mutliple failed attempts, let me share with you what I've learned about suicide and ideation... and how scary it is when you cannot change your mind once you've started.

I've of the Kevorkian mindset: we have the divine right to exit that which harms the body, the mind, or the spirit. Sometimes that thing harming us happens to be life... but it's really not life that's harmful. The thing harming you is not life and it's not your fault. 

Depression and Anxiety all happen in the brain, where a lot of chemical imbalances and disorders also happen. Let that be a strange comfort first: while the pain is not all in your head, the occurrences are. This means the feelings portion of the issue can be fixed with therapy and medicinal treatment. The thing harming you is... nothing. People on the outside cannot emotionally or psychologically hurt you if you do not let them, and that is what mindfulness teaches us.

So what if your suicidal ideation isn't caused by emotional or psychological things? It is. That's why it's called ideation. Intrusive thoughts like ending our lives (or the lives of others) are often some kind of trauma response, so the best way to remove yourself from wanting to commit suicide is by removing yourself first from the environment that is keeping your mind ill. So then begs the next question. What if the thing causing your ideation is not a mental illness? What if it's bullies or abusive people?

Again, remove yourself from the environment, not from the map entirely. Or if it's possible, remove them from your environment. "Out of sight out of mind" can only work sometimes; in the case of an abuser, I understand it can be very hard to endure or even to escape. The matter still stands: you need to remove something from the environment... not from the map. For youth it's harder, I understand, so what needs to be done one-hundred percent of the time... authorities need to get involved. Yes, this will probably resort to a mental institution, but they're nothing like they once were and someone's safety matters more than their choice of view from a window, especially when things get that worrisome.

Being in a mental institution is probably better than being covered in your own waste upon death. Didn't anyone ever mention that before? When you die, the body voids all bowels, so you literally piss and shit yourself. Suicide is not a courageous act, but it's also not a selfish one. It's a humiliating one. I also want to stress that while dying is humiliating, it's also something you can't change your mind from.

If you want to commit suicide, you need to be okay with the sensation of voiding all your bowels and come to terms with the fact that it's how people will find you... and while you're still alive and have feelings and a consciousness... meditate on that. 

"I'll be dead, I won't care"... you'll be in the middle of dying and you will care.

I once saw this video about a girl I've called "Kayla", I don't remember her name because that is clearly something she did not want. She didn't want to be remembered or thought of... and at twelve years old that is why she killed herself.  Her environment was abusive, so she didn't come from a very good background - at twelve, what are you supposed to do? Twelve year olds aren't taught mindfulness skills for some reason, so she took the only way out she could think of at the time. She made her set-in-stone decision.

Nothing could possibly go wrong. 

From the sun's noon to nightfall, Kayla had been setting up her suicide on camera. It leaked as a facebook live that someone saved, and so many were able to watch the whole thing. I was one of those people and it seemed that only I noticed that she changed her mind the moment she realized she couldn't get her makeshift plastic-cord and ziptie noose around her neck right. She proceeds, absolutely sure that she wants this. She wants to be erased from the world entirely.

After hours of Kayla setting up... she says her goodbyes. One of the lines I remember is "I'm sorry for being a worthless whore," coming from a twelve year old's mouth. No twelve year old needs to feel like a whore. For me, that confirms that there was, indeed a lot of abuse happening. 

She kicked a pail out from beneath herself and hung. She thrashed, coughed, dangled, jerked... and of course she shit and piss herself - that's all part of the dying process. What got me is when she reached for the cord around her neck, gasping. The sun had gone down some around that time so I couldn't really see her expression, but she was panicking as much as her tightened throat would let her. It was obvious.

She wanted to change her mind. And honestly, she should have, because it would have been found out later the morning of her suicide, her abuser would finally be put behind bars... and she didn't get to see it. Kayla didn't get to see her justice. Instead her family got to find her dead, covered in her feces and urine, her face no doubt a mess with snot and drool from the struggle. 

The last thing you can hear in the video is the family searching in the yard for her. Screaming her name, worried. It's a black screen around the time the voices were close enough to the camera to actually hear what they were saying, but nobody was saying anything. They were crying and screaming. Bolts of flashlights skid across the screen and that was the end of the video.

That was the end of her life.

[i-arch-my-backula]

could you please write comfort for a reader with a abusive ex? mine has been texting and calling me all day and i could really use some comfort w/ bo sinclair, thomas hewitt, jason voorhees, and brahms heelshire? thank you ziggy -🐾

Oh boy I understand this completely. All of my exes have been abusive and I’m taking it out in my writing. I’m not gonna go into detail about what they do in some parts but I would happily write that in if you want me to anon.

Warnings: Mentions of violence, abuse and murder, strong language,

Bo Sinclair

When you first open up to Bo about the abuse you survived he's livid. He loves you and sees you as such an amazing person and is so upset you had to go through that.

He knows how bad abuse is because of how much he endured as a child. He doesn't know how to communicate how he feels so it's gonna come off in weird ways.

If you start crying about your ex he'll hold and sooth you physically but he'll have a hard time verbally soothing you. But no matter what he's mostly pissed this happened to you.

Oh boy but if your ex ever dares to set foot in Ambrose he's gonna be brutal. Like your ex will not be turned into wax they will be brutally killed and the left over parts will be thrown in the road kill pit.

Thomas Hewitt

Thomas like most slashers have endured abuse in their lives. He's crushed when he finds out his lovely s/o had to deal with this too. He feels to horrible and will want to pull you into a tight hug.

If you start crying about it he'll feel so bad. He's scared to touch you in case the abuse was physical. But if you tell him it's ok he'll hold your hand and rub your back.

He'll try to keep you away from Hoyt and his abuse for several reasons including your past abuse. He will get aggressive with Hoyt if he has to and isn't scared to pick you up and carry you out of a situation if it's gonna trigger something.

Just like Bo if he ever comes across yout ex he's not gonna show any mercy. Like I don't know how to state what he'd do without getting like really graphic. But be sure they won't look like a human within minutes of being in the basement and will not be fed to the family. They are going to the pigs and nothing else.

Jason Voorhees

He's never been abused persay but has been treated poorly. He feels so bad that he couldn't help you during this time and that you even had to endure that abuse.

He's going to hold you while you cry and probably cry with you. He's here for you and will let you cry, scream, whatever you need to do he will let you do that.

If it's one of those days where everything is super hard and you keep having intrusive thoughts about them he's here to help you do whatever you need to get done. He'll check in on you and make sure you eat and drink something.

Oh and if he ever comes across your ex they're fucking done. He may or may not put them in a bear trap and leave them there for hours to deal with them later.

Brahms Heelshire

Oh he understands abuse. I feel like his parents never got physical but very verbally and emotionally abusive to him. He understands abuse but has never had the chance to like process it or like even kinda realize it so he's going to help heal with you.

He's here to cuddle with you on bad days and hold you when you cry. Another guy who will cry with you. He's all ears if you need to vent and will hold you close. He's going to promise to never hurt you like they did.

Again if your ex somehow finds their way to you Brahms is going to attack them on sight. He'll probably do it in the walls or outside, well anywhere you can't see, unless you want to.

[lazypanartist]

Poly Relationship ft. Eduardo, Bart, and Jaime

AN - I just. Love these three. I shipped BluePulse when it was getting more prominent, I shipped GoldenFlash pretty much as SOON as I saw more then .5 seconds of screen time together (lol), and I just think that having 2 slightly more responsible partners is good for Bart ^-^ And you, ofc, but that's not important (jk)

Notes: established relationship

-----

WHOOH BOY

Where to begin

Bart instigates a lot of things in the relationship

Kissing

Cuddles

Dates

Noth that the other two don't, but Ed and Jaime *typically* plan them out better

Bart is just sporadic

He gets an idea for a date?

Guess what! As soon as lunch is over, y'all are headed to a movie!

Jaime has to deal with the scarab, and now all of you do now, too

Kaji Da sends him an intrusive thoughts and Jaime sometimes just. Blurts out a response

You've figured out by now when Jaime's talking to you guys or the scarab

Ed likes flirting

All of them do, but

Semi-casual arm over the shoulder as he asks for your thoughts on one of his new metateens' cases

Taking you to STAR while the others are on missions so you're not alone

Doing his best to ensure that you have a good relationship with his dad

(As long as you're treating him and any of the metateens right, he loves you already)

On that front, they all want their families to like you!

Barry and Iris are just glad that Bart's happy

And the twins love you!

Jaime's parents don't know for sure..

But Miligro has given you the Sibling Talk™

She still adores you, but don't you DARE hurt her big brother or his boyfriends!

Lots of lunch dates

As I said earlier, Bart typically 'plans' a lot of dates

But it's a good way to ensure you all get to spend time together

Bart will eat anyone's leftovers

If you're a picky eater, they can always find a place you'll like

Our speedster has probably eaten at EVERY restaurant anywhere he frequents, not just because of his metabolism, but because they just. Didn't exist in his future

He just wants the experience!

And ofc you're all happy to accommodate each other's needs

Sometimes Ed and his dad still fight

If he comes to you guys angry, it's either cuddle time or alone time

He's good at vocalizing it; doesn't want to snap at anyone for something that isn't their fault

We love growth ^-^

Jaime probably is the most in tune with you

The scarab *can* be helpful sometimes!

If you're upset and hiding it he'll still check in with you, make sure you're actually okay

One more for Eddie..

He left STAR because of the mistreatment he and his new friends were experiencing. He hates seeing any injustice in the world; it's wy he became a hero

If you ever experience discrimination or bullying for any reason, ofc they're all there to help you, but Ed is an instigator; he may dive into the issue with his heart instead of his head

It's weird to say be careful in such situations, but it's always good to have either Bart or Jaime there when you let Ed know what's going on

You're all there for each other, all the time, no questions asked

-----

I think that's enough rambling for this one. Ciao for now!

[dailymothanon]

More Alaska Headcanon Ideas (because I said so)

-Due to Alaska's crime rates being much higher than the national average (i know this is cause the lesser amount of people the greater the rates would be but shush) Alaska has very strong intrusive thoughts and it sometimes makes him distressed

-Alaska probably got Anomic Aphasia. I did notice Alaska struggles with names (mostly gov's) but like, most of the time he only says their names after another says it so like, yeah.

-Alaska knows things about the states, he can associate them with things, he knows what they look like and what they're like, he just can't remember their names for the life of him (like when he recognized Florida is the Sunshine State)

-The aphasia also is the reason why Alaska can't be bothered to try to remember what lanes he's in and just uses moose and or bears as a point of reference, that, and he tends to just know his way around via visual checkmarks

- things just blur together to him much more easily compared to the others, that's why he uses terms such as the Lower 48, Outside (anywhere outside of Alaska), The Bush (the majority of Alaska that isn't accessible by road)

-He can remember Texas' name well cause Texas says his own name a lot - usually to refer to things large in size (Alaska picks on him for it obviously)

-Alaska, California, and Hawai'i all have a small history together that no one really knows of and it all ties back to when Alaska was suffering under the Russian American Company

-this one is just a joke but yesterday I heard a kid say their parents were gonna go away to get wood for winter soon, so imagine if Alaska was like "no guys i do have parents theyre just chopping wood it takes a long time no they didn't leave"

-Raven is basically a parental guide/figure to Alaska.

-Alaska and California discuss bears (the peak of evolution)

-He does put his hair up sometimes, but humanity isn't ready to see that

-Alaska's room is full of trinkets i've decided. Mostly little souvenirs he's gotten from around his state. From finding things during hikes or cool little things from small stores

-Alaska and Florida are buddies. Reason being? Florida has stated before that he thought Alaska was mysterious and cool, and their debates of who is the more dangerous/badass state wasn't heated, also Florida respected Alaska's wishes of being left alone when Gov wanted him to call Alaska (i have some more examples)

-Since Alaska has been shown twice not caring about nudity, I would doubt he does not care much about what he wears either. He's also spectacular on heels btw. My excuse for thinking this is cause moose technically in a way travel on heels (the heels being their hooves)

-calling Snowmachines 'snowmobiles' makes you a loser in Alaska's eyes. Like why would you call it that.

-Alaska loves chocolate but very much is not all that for candy

-He likes to be straight forward and gets to the point pretty often, states like New York appreciate that

-His spatial awareness is ASS. Alaska bumps into doorways and furniture all the time and it's hell for both him and the smaller states

-He tends to work along the flow of the seasons rather than the days, for example, when its fall it's the state's final burst of energy to get things done before the winter stillness, bears and all kinds of animals do this too

-he does indeed hibernate. Maybe not every year, but he could use it

i'll update this throughout the day if more ideas come to me

Updated ideas:

-Alaska is very strong minded. Mostly due to living all this time throughout isolation, he's grown to learn how to stay sane for a very long time and remember who he is

-he tends to get homesick quickly, sure, he has a strong mind but thats mostly for his sanity. But yeah, when the states moved into the statehouse he was the probably the first to become homesick

[sewer-sermon]

mbbgg crackpot psychoanalysis time

ive seen a startling amount of people who just straight up Don't know who he is which is like kinda understandable when he doesn't show up in the animations but at the same time he has a full fledged bossfight in project nexus so * shrug *

but in effect i think his forgettability is a thing in-universe, too. he gets mike wazowski'd out of pictures of all 3 head scientists. people recognize & remember christoff n hofnarrs work all the time but if you ask them about the enmeshment program they just kinda.....?? so sorry?? or at best it's like a "oh, that? did that ever even go anywhere? sounded crazy lol idk how that even got approved"

i think his rivalry with christoff was super one-sided. it was everything to him but moreso a footnote annoyance to christoff. i kinda think abt the fact that christoff came back to nexus city, had every opportunity to have some sort of confrontation or final showdown with him like to "settle the score", and just Did Not. bc he was busy. with more important things

he has the ADHD cycle syndrome of "OH!! IM GONNA START ON THIS PROJECT AND ITLL BE AWESOME!!" -> "OK SUDDENLY I DONT FEEL LIKE WORKING ON THIS ANYMORE" -> "WHAT IF I STARTED A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT THING INSTEAD" and that's why he never really got much done or is known for much. he was only really able to stick with the enmeshment program out of sheer spite for christoff and everyone else who thought it was insane

he has really awful anxiety that both feeds into and stems from all of this- he's afraid of bothering people and avoids asking for things if he can help it, so most of the time he just kinda fades into the background and keeps to himself. it kinda leads to this self perpetuating cycle of misery.

in general i like to think he was the youngest of the science team (only in his 40s at the time of joining nexus while hofnarr & christoff were closer to their 60s and 50s, respectively) nd like they're all adults by then who know better than to act like highschoolers, but it did sort of impact the way people treated him a little. like people just assumed he didn't have as much experience or was in over his head or didn't automatically know as much as everyone else

all of this also probably fed into autism related anger issues where he just had a tendency to snap at people and in general over completely benign things, n coupled with his Everything Else it kinda just made people. not wanna be around him.

he's emotionally constipated and can barely get a sentence out about the way he feels abt things without breaking down into tears and then the fact that he's crying over nothing frustrates him and he starts crying harder and then. well. you understand

overall he's just an incredibly world weary, drained person who is constantly being spoken over, forgotten and left behind to me and who leaps like a tick at any slight suggestion of attention or praise.

post-nexus, i think he behaves so differently bc he's finally just snapped over years of being a nobody and is fully dedicated to gouging himself into people's memory. he's super loud and flashy & flamboyant (flambuoyant?) and demands to be worshipped and praised and revered! he acts almost solely on impulse & intrusive thoughts and has to keep moving constantly and never stops to second-guess and refuses to be burdened by fears and worries.

hes my babygirl i have a lotta thoughts about him. i like picking his brain apart

[fr1d4y-wr1t1ng]

Your “Love Song”

Request: nooooo, I wanted to do an intro kinda writing thing lol.

Can I request?: absolutely.

Genre: Fluffy romantic head canons of the CC’s!

Content Warnings: none, except for swearing maybe. And of course my music taste /j (thought I would put this here, any references to a “her” or “him” has a they/them in brackets just letting y'all know)

CC’s in Post: irl!Dream(wastaken), irl!Sapnap, & irl!Wilbur Soot.

Description: These are the songs that I think would fit for your relationship with these CC’s!

Dream:

Cupid's Chokehold/Breakfast In America - Gym Class Heros

Holy shit Dream loves you so so so much it's unreal.

Like he would quite literally do anything for you like quite literally ANYTHING you can imagine.

Your day was shitty and you don't wanna do the dishes? He's got you covered.

You're sore from doing something physically exhausting? Don't worry, he'll do ANYTHING to make you feel better.

You got sick? He's already making soup and nursing you back to health.

He's semi-clingy like that you know?

Sometimes you may have to tell him that he doesn't have to do EVERYTHING for you, and that sometimes you can just do things yourself.

Remind him to take breaks too holy shit!! Like seriously mate go in there and REMIND HIM!!

But that's just because he loves you so much, he just can't express it any other way dude!!

I think the line that PERFECTLY sums up how he feels for you is “if I had to choose [them] or the sun, I'd be one nocturnal son of a gun.”

Just make sure you treat him the same, trust me on this one okay????? Pls?????

“Take a look at my [s/o], [they're] the only one I got!”

“George!!”

That's the only thing you've truly heard since he started streaming. You'd been sitting on his bed, scrolling through Twitter while minding your own business. You hadn't done anything to disturb him given the fact he was streaming and well… he hadn't exactly revealed you yet.

You looked at your boyfriend, just wanting your clingy little teddy bear back, you stared at him for a second, before seeing him mute and turn to you.

You two stared at each other, a slightly awkward but… mostly comfortable silence. His eyes looked like they had literal hearts in them. He chuckled quietly, looking at you until you spoke up. “...Clay?”

You questioned you boyfriend until he muttered, “you know, you're the most attractive person I've ever seen… right?” You started to laugh as your boyfriend got up and sat next to you. He quickly pecked your cheek and went back to his stream, attempting to make up for having chat wait.

To say this happened often would be an understatement.

Sapnap:

Never Ever Getting Rid Of Me - Waitress

I know people like to use this song in a more... stalkerish tendency. But, I don't think that's the meaning, you know.

Sapnap is very much... newer to love. It may come off in the wrong way, but he's trying to show you that he's not going anywhere because he loves you.

He can be awkward, but of course he's just excited!

You're his first s/o!!! How the hell could he not be excited?

Sapnap can be very “clingy” when your relationship starts... but don't worry. He calms down quickly.

Before you even know it, the relationship becomes natural, like you've been together for several years.

You two kind of end up acting like newly-wed’s when you get settled? If you get what I mean?

It's like you've been together for god knows how long, but you're just getting super settled and shit into a whole new level of your relationship.

I feel like the line that really represents how he feels is the line, “Oh, I'm gonna love you so. You'll learn what I already know, I love you means your never ever getting rid of me!”

He really believes that you're the one! So maybe (if you can) try to give the same energy back! Tell him you love him like, a lot!!

“I will never let you let me leave, I promise I'm not lying!”

What the fuck was that? You lay awake, thinking about the nightmare that just woke you. You slowly turned toward your phone. It's 4:08 am. You really shouldn't be up this early, should you? As you try to get back to sleep, you hear a muffled groan from him.

“Babe?” Sapnap asks, barely able to keep his eyes open, “Why ‘re you up?” You turned back to face him, wrapping your arms around his midsection. “‘is nothin’. Don't worry.”

His brows furrowed in thought, trying to stare at you for a second before asking, “Ya’ sure? You can tell me anything-” you quickly peck his lips, effectively shutting him up before mumbling, “it's just a nightmare. I'll be fine, as long I have you with me.” a small chuckle came from him before replying with,

“M’kay… love you.”

Wilbur Soot:

Telephone - Waterparks

At first when he falls for you he's... really fucking nervous.

He doesn't wanna mess your relationship up AT ALL.

He thinks the you'd legitimently regret being with him, but we all know we trolley want a man like Wil.

But, there's still apart of him that really wants you to feel the same.

But once you start dating, this kind of stressing about making you regret dating him calms down a bit.

Keyword: a bit.

The intrusive thoughts about you two dating can still get to him yk, so, please just remind him that it'll be okay babes-

He's so soft when he's with you though, like, legit it's such a magical experience.

When he's not streaming or making music he's usually spending time with you!

He's just so sweet man, tbh I want a bf like Wilbur 🥴.

I think the lyric that really explains how he feels is “I can be your best yet, future favorite regret.” because he can be the softest motherfucker ever!! (or... well... hm.)

“I’m interested but distant to a fault, and I'd never want to complicate your heart!”

Boop ba boop! Boop ba boop! Your phone's ringtone filled your apartment as you dragged yourself from your bed to your desk. You sighed, looking at the number and realizing who was calling you. “Hey Wil.” you answered somewhat bluntly.

“[Y/N]! Hey!” Wilbur’s sweet voice rang through your ears like a whimsical melody. Your lips perked at his response, “Whats up?” you ask, your cheeks filling with heat as you looked at the screen. “Well I-” Wilbur cuts himself off at the noise in the background.

“...anyways, I'm coming over!” he finished. You realized he was probably walking his happy ass to your flat. You looked around at the mess, a small sigh escaping your lips as you replied, “I'll see you in five then?” a chuckle escaped his lips, “yup! See you in five!”

Note: AAAAND THATS FINISHED, FINALLY. Why the hell did this take 2 days holy shit!? So, uh, I have an idea for making a part 2 but like... with the song that kinda describes the breakup (if there is one)? So let me know if you want that! Kay, see ya, byeeeeee!!!!

[mascwhump]

Ok, so this piece is a parallel to this one. I wanted to write Crow and Mallory’s POV. Pretty dialogue heavy.

CW: just a whole lotta angst, guns

-

As the elevator doors opened to the roof, it was quickly apparent that Charlie wasn't there. Crow had the intrusive thought to look over the edge, but decided against it. He got back into the elevator. Mallory lingered for a moment, almost causing him to miss it. He slid between the doors just before they shut.

"So, what now?" Mallory asked.

"He's probably gone for a walk, which I hate more than the roof. He could've gone anywhere, so best bet's just to sit tight. He won't be gone long. He doesn't ever disappear for long," Crow rambled.

They stepped out the elevator on Charlie's floor and went back to his apartment. An hour passed, and he still hadn't returned.

"Should we be getting worried now?" Mallory asked.

"Can you shut the fuck up?" Crow snapped.

"Hey, I haven't said anything for the past hour. Don't be a cunt," Mallory shot back.

"This is your fault. Everything was fine until you showed up."

"Well, I'm sorry for existing."

"You should be."

Their quarrel was cut off by both of their phones going off simultaneously. They had been sent an odd link with the message "watch or we kill him". Crow was hesitant to click it, but Mallory opened it immediately. It took him to a sketchy site with a ridiculously amount of ads. In the center, a video loaded. Once it finished, it made itself full screen. Crow could tell by the look on his face that it wasn't good. He finally clicked the link on his own phone to see for himself.

"Oh, oh god," Crow muttered.

He felt like all of the air had gotten forced out of him as his heart rate skyrocketed. Mallory was on the phone now, but he couldn't hear him. His ears rang and his hands shook.

"Hey! Did you hear me? I said Nikolas is on it. He's tracing their location now," Mallory said.

Crow looked up at him slowly. He then sprung up and grabbed Mallory by the throat before slamming him into the wall.

"I should fucking kill you right now," he growled, "You are solely responsible for this. You deserve to be in that position, not him."

Mallory tried to pry his fingers from his neck. He was certain Crow was going to kill him this time, right then and there- until his phone went off again. Crow let go to retrieve it from where it was dropped on the floor.

"He got an address. Fuck, I didn't drive," he said.

"I did. Let's go," Mallory coughed as he caught his breath.

"Give me your keys," Crow demanded.

"No. I'm coming, whether you want me to or not."

Crow sighed as he threw the phone at him. They left the apartment and got into the Mercedes. Mallory plugged in the address on the GPS, then handed his phone to Crow.

"We have to keep the video up. I think they know if we're watching," he said.

"God dammit," Crow muttered.

He kept the livestream open on both of their phones, but muted the volume and kept the screens facing down.

"It says an hour until we get there. We'll make it there sooner. I'll run over someone if I have to," Mallory said.

"I'm sure you will," Crow replied.

He reluctantly checked the phones a few minutes later.

"Fuck!" He exclaimed.

"What? What's happening?" Mallory asked.

"I'm sure you'd like to know."

"Oh, fuck off! Is he okay?"

"No, he's not o-fucking-kay! They're... he's..."

"Shit."

The engine roared as Mallory sped up. He was going almost double the speed limit now that they were outside of the city. Crow was starting to bite at his nails. Mallory could see him nervously bouncing his leg in the corner of his vision, and it was distracting him. He put his hand on Crow's knee to get him to stop. Crow instantly smacked his hand away.

"Don't fucking touch me," he snapped.

"Quit it, then. You're making me nervous," Mallory replied.

"I'm anxious right now, alright?"

"So am I. We need to think of a plan for when we get there. My gun's in the glovebox."

Crow immediately retrieved the gun and started inspecting it. Mallory flinched when he haphazardly let the barrel point in his direction.

"Jesus! Watch it," he hissed.

"Is it even loaded?" Crow asked as he took out the magazine.

"Of course it's loaded. Why would I keep an empty gun in there?"

"I don't know, but you seem to have a track record of not knowing if a gun is loaded or not."

"What- Oh. God, give me a break. That was one time."

Crow put the gun back in the glovebox for safekeeping until they got there. He refused to check the livestream again. He knew that, no matter what was happening, he wouldn't be able to do anything about it in the moment. Charlie wouldn't want him to see it, anyway.

"Okay, we're close. Hand me the gun," Mallory said.

"Uh, no. I can guarantee you that I'm the better shot," Crow replied.

As they pulled up to the house, Crow had his seatbelt off and the door open before they'd even fully stopped.

"Are we sure this is it?" He asked.

"Pretty sure," Mallory said.

They started around back, careful to watch their footing on the gravel. Crow picked up a large rock and handed it to Mallory.

"Break the window, then we'll bust in and shoot the bastards," Crow said, "and throw it fucking hard. If you don't break it on the first try, I'll break your neck."

Mallory took a step back and threw the rock as hard as he could. It smashed through the glass, and Crow reached in to open the door.

[traumatizeddfox]

tw for paranoia inducing text n abuse ment! very venty, my apologies (I was also the anon who talked about my mother and our cheer assistant) I have extreme paranoia (and very probable psychosis) and my mom only recently began taking it a bit more seriously. Its horrible too because i'm very interested in criminal psychology and enjoy listening to cases on youtube.. but after I'll get severely paranoid. I tried to sleep a night or two ago and I kept opening my eyes to my door (it was open cause my cats usually are in my room, but we let them out at night when our dogs are in my grandfathers room) and I just kept feeling a weight of dread. I constantly check the doors to make sure they're locked but I know even when they're locked, they can be pushed open. I hallucinate but it's never something human-like, so it doesn't mess with me as much as a human figure would. I'm not scared of monsters or anything like that nowadays, it's always real people. I'm so worried about dying by someones hands that i've been trying to just mentally prepare for the day that if it did happen, and I never can. I don't think anyone could ever mentally prepare for it. My hyperfixation on dark media (specifically real life, or things that sound that they could be real, I don't enjoy very obvious fictional horror.. I wish I did.) is so overbearing that I can't stop watching things of the sort, but I know it'll fuck with my paranoia. It's a cycle, honestly. I tried just listening to it during the day as background noise while I draw, but come night time it still lingers. My doctor doesn't take me seriously and isn't on the books diagnosing me, but he said I most likely have some form of psychotic disorder (in his words). I told him about how I put garbage bags on my windows because I was so scared of people watching me through them or how I hallucinate but he doesn't think i'm truthful. I recently went off on my mom for not listening to me and getting me better help. It helped a bit as when I had a panic attack while cooking the other day due to sounds outside she offered a hug. I don't know how i'll survive in the real world as I feel any wrong move can kill me. When i'm out in the car when my mom runs in somewhere I have a screwdriver up my sleeve, anytime someone pulls up next to the car I get ready. I think of what would they say about me on the news if I went missing.. then the people who pull up next to me just go into the store. It's such a horrible cycle, I put myself in such horrible scenerios because of my "probable" psychosis. (i'm sure I am on the psychotic spectrum, it runs in the family.) I have violent thoughts of hurting others and going "well what if I was the one to advance, so no one else can do the same to me." which is HORRIBLE and I would never do that.. but that's what intrusive thoughts are to me. These failsafe ideas to save me something that probably won't happen, and realizing how horrible it must make me sound. Not to mention my diagnosed clinical depression, i'm horrible at hygiene and even worse at taking showers cause I feel watched. I want to be able to do things without fear, with just fun in mind. But I feel like everything is against me and I just want to move out but at the same time i'm worried that something bad will happen if I do. I wanted to drive to where my friend lives with my cats (it'd be a well over a day drive.) but I realized if I stopped to sleep anywhere I had the chance to become a target.. but I don't trust airlines with my cats. It's so fucking infuriating cause i'm moving out in under two years (I turn 18 this year, it'll take half a year to get ready to move or so). I can't leave my cats here because they're super attached to me and I lean on them for some support when i'm sad. I'm also worried people around me think i'll act out because of my intrusive thoughts, which isn't the case. But I don't want to scare them in anyway, because most of my friends and boyfriend are all I have left aside my cats. I don't like my family (but feel awfully attached, even if theyre abusive) and just

wanna be free.. but being free means working in retail or something and risk something happening at work... or being home alone and something happening... or anything in general. I just wanna enjoy life!! But it's so hard. Sorry for the long post, i've been everywhere the past few days and had to get it off my chest. I don't want to overwhelm friends cause I feel severely judged sometimes, which isn't their fault it's just my brain thinking like that. I hope you have a good day/night.

Oh that makes me so sad. Being paranoid is so terrifying. I would probably see if u can get a new doctor who will take u serious? are u seeing a therapist? that would also help i think. I also think if u can maybe limit to the true crime stuff? I used to do the same but it made me so scared so now i watch creepy easter egg videos about video games hahaha. I hope u get the help u need!!! <3

[satyrsdontwearboots]

4 de abril

HEADSPACE GUIDE TO MEDITATION (part 2)

What am I holding onto? Another question I don't have the answer to.

A couple of interesting points were made during this episode. This time, the analogy was that our mind is the clear blue sky. It's always there, even during gloomy days, hidden away by all those clouds. Ah, those pesky clouds. Those pesky thoughts. So intrusive. Another good analogy from sensei Andy. Cheers.

Another honorable mention was a study done on meditation by Harvard. Something about how even after a mere 8 weeks of regular meditation training, the parts of the brain associated with memory and learning had increased, whereas the parts of the brain associated with anxiety and depression had become smaller. Science.

Before he began with the technique for this episode, he had asked us to visualize a place we'd like to be. Again, my mind went blank. Is there really no place that brings me joy? After a couple of seconds I realized that it doesn't have to be a place I've been. I'm imagining it, after all. Almost instantly, the image of an autumn forest popped into my head. Earthy tones. Reds, yellow and orange leaves, and a dirt path. How soothing is the autumn sun? Bliss. My mind didn't stay in that place though. It wandered. I let it wander. It took me to a more Asian scenery. Bright green grass, Ghibli Studio style and a comfortable seat under a cherry blossom tree. Both of those places made me feel warm inside. Not metaphorically. I actually felt a tangible sense of warmth and joy. From places I've never been! That's wild. I wonder if I can find places similar to those anywhere near where I live. I wonder if I belong here.

I decided to lay down for this episode's meditation. He went through a type of guided meditation very similar to one I experienced with my therapist (who told me had also spent some time with Buddhist monks), where you imagine a very source of light (sunshine in this case) filling your body from head to toe, dissipating all the tension and discomfort in your body. For a while I would do a similar thing in the shower, where I'd picture the water running down my body as a healing stream of light. I don't know why I stopped. Time to do that more often. I think visualization is a very powerful technique for self-healing.

30 DAYS OF YOGA (day 6)

It takes a flexible man to admit they're wrong. So I guess I was kinda wrong. First thing she says is "today isn't going to be scary". Ok. Ruined my prediction. Today was all about abs as I mentioned yesterday. Alllll about that core. I did some ab exercises I had never done before. Not even when I was going through that "I have to get a six-pack" phase. So yeah, I learned some new stuff. To be entirely honest, it didn't really feel like yoga. It was more like an ab workout that ends with you on your back whispering "I love you" to yourself. That's not to say it wasn't difficult, or that I didn't enjoy it. It was. And I did.

A weird bit of synchronicity is that this lesson was titled "Light". Not as in the opposite of heavy. But light as in sun light. Which ties into the meditation I did earlier. She kept talking about light at some points. I didn't quite pay attention. Not sure if I was just not in the mood to listen or if trying to hold up my entire body using mainly my abdominal muscles was taking up too much of my focus. Benji didn't seem too focused today either. I think it was probably the first time I saw him get up and move around. He wasn't feeling it either.

Namaste.