#so sorry to anyone who knew me in November 2020

[natonia]

Hark, the 4-year anniversary of my month-long mental breakdown approacheth.

[septembersghost]

my queue was supposed to run out tonight (11/19) - i'm nothing if not someone who clings to dates and anniversaries, and exactly a month ago, i realized i had enough posts stowed in it to last until today. of all the days. kismet. you know when it's time to go. but i ended up adding some posts from my (still copious) drafts, and no matter how i finagled it, it was impossible to make them all fit by the time today ended. so it gets a little bit of extra time. maybe, in honor of this blog's existence, that's fitting.

you all know this, i've said it, typically in gratitude, many times already. this blog was never meant to last. i came back in november 2020 expecting a couple of months, maybe to be here until the new year. i told very few people, anticipating the goodbye, not wanting to cause anyone undue anguish when i had to vanish again. something i didn't expect was the sheer (admittedly devasting) emotion that would tie itself to those two weeks when i started interacting again, nor that it would have any outreach or impact, but somehow it did. then time kept spinning on, extending itself, gossamer threads unfurling each day. my following kept growing, far beyond what i could have anticipated, greater than i'd ever established on any of my previous blogs. moving around is unfortunately a pattern at this point, every time for reasons that felt quietly catastrophic. not being able to pay bills for a while. angel's death and the ensuing difficult circumstances. so here, i kept anxiously imagining why i'd eventually have to leave, how to plan for it. poverty issues. the homelessness we were facing through the entirety of a couple of years until last august (and my dad having to be the saving grace). worsening health issues. i never knew, i couldn't predict it, i just worried about it. often tried to brace for it. maybe i got too comfortable this year, because this was when i started to think it wouldn't happen, that i really could stay. little did i know. and the reasons...are not reasons i ever fathomed, why would i have? how could i have? i wish it weren't so. (i wish a lot of things.)

i thought sometimes about the words i would leave you with, none of which are suitable now. i almost wrote nothing, yet found that feeling wrong, couldn't leave without something about parting.

thus it turns out i'm leaving before it's strictly necessary, before it's the fear of personal catastrophe coming to fruition, not knowing what i'll do or where i'll metaphorically go, as that is the downside of chronic illness and isolation narrowing this to my sole outlet. (lyrics keep running through my mind, there are always lyrics stuck in my head. no matter where i go, there'll be memories that tug at my sleeve, but there will also be more to question, yet more to believe...teach me to be more adaptive...help me say goodbye). my body is in such a fragile state right now (my mind not far behind) that maybe what i need to do is rest. just rest for a while.

this blog was never meant to grow the way it did, to take asks and have conversations like i did, that was a somewhat new (sometimes scary! often fun) experience for me. it's one that will never be replicated. to my loyal and lovely anons, i'm so sorry that i had to cut you off unexpectedly and couldn't reinstate communication - i know that you weren't able to reach out to me as soon as i did that, and that certainly wasn't your fault, it was a response to the tenor of this website. i apologize for the hundreds of messages i never had the chance to answer. i'm appreciative of the things you shared with me and all the times we got to talk.

i sincerely hope some of you learn to be kinder and wiser and less reactionary and more willing to learn and to listen rather than to attack those who have never wronged you and who do not deserve that. i'm being too nice, but i hope you learn that misusing your supposed social justice to do harm and foment hatred and stew in ignorant cruelty makes any principles you purport to have utterly void. my hope for that is low at the moment, but it's still got to be there. waiting to be found.

to those of you who have never been anything but kind, you are true treasures, the lights in the darkness, the loving and compassionate embodiment of human spirit. some of you have (quite literally) helped keep my mom and me alive, and i can never repay that or do enough in this life to quantify it. some of you have been here for me every single day, to listen and laugh and cry and understand. i don't think i would've bothered to fight through these past three years had i not had your presences in my life. i wouldn't have had as much of a reason. there are times when i still haven't felt like i had a reason, i struggle through so many varied griefs, but then i continued to wake up, and would come on here and find something joyful or beautiful or affirming that someone had sent or posted, and it gave me an anchor. there are passions and interests i shared or discovered here that were so uplifting and enlightening, and i will carry them in my heart always. being here to find those was such a blessing. being here with you to indulge in them was such a blessing. thank you. i pray your continued paths have more of that ahead. look at all the things you've done for me. there are certain things that once you have no time can wear away.

you know that line from the wizard of oz?: hearts will never be practical until they are made unbreakable. maybe that isn't true, maybe our hearts being broken is proof of something. there are people who hurt me on such a profound level who i know weren't affected by it at all, but i refuse to define my sensitivity as a negative. my softness (too soft for all of it, indeed) does not quite provide me with a weapon, but it doesn't crumple. hearts can be broken repeatedly and still beat, which i've thought about a lot lately. shattered souls just make a new mosaic. it's a different picture than it was before, but the color and light persists. and in the remains of that, a handful of people have shown me depths of caring and resilience that i wouldn't have gotten to hold onto otherwise, which is an extraordinary thing. the precious rarities have to mean something more, don't they? i would think so. i believe it. or i'm trying. i keep trying with all my might.

maybe i stayed too long at the fair. maybe this is a consequence of overplaying my hand, gambling a little too much with time to where it had to teach me something. maybe i needed the reminder that sometimes we have to fight to retain our spirits, and other times we have to retreat. maybe i needed a reminder that all that extra time was a miracle. i don't take it for granted.

whether we've spoken directly, be that consistently or in scattered flurries, whether we've interacted in very personal ways or simply in liked hearts on the dash, i hope there was goodness and light in it. i hope there's a memory i leave here that's sweet. (as long as i'm borrowing phrases, i hope you'll think of me fondly sometimes.) i hope there was something warm and enriching here. i hope you know what you've been and meant to me. i said so many times that this blog was my cozy haunted house - the ghosts will linger here forever, and i know they'll never mind if you want to step in and visit.

with all my heart, i love so many of you so dearly. i am so lucky to have your friendships. please move gently through life. please hold onto the things that illuminate it for you, and provide that where you can. please do your best to repair even the smallest of tears in the world. you are not obligated to complete the work, but neither are you free to abandon it.

there must be lights burning brighter somewhere.

something yet remains. i remain. and i do my best to be brave.

[authoralexharvey]

INTERVIEW WITH A WRITEBLR — @daisywords

Who You Are:

Daisy || She/her

I'm a fantasy enjoyer about to graduate from university with a degree in editing. In addition to writing, I like to draw/paint and play the piano. Also interested in linguistics and bookbinding

What You Write:

What genres do you write in? What age ranges do you write for?

Fantasy and Sci-Fi. Young and New Adult, Adult.

What genre would you write in for the rest of your life, if you could? What about that genre appeals to you?

I love specfic in general, fantasy in particular (but the line between fantasy and scifi is blurrier than one might think). I particularly like the potential of alternate worlds to set up situations and character dynamics that simply couldn't exist in a historical or contemporary novel

What genre/s will you not write unless you HAVE to? What about that genre turns you off?

I don't read or write smut/erotica but other than that everything else is potentially on the table. I couldn't see myself doing straight historical fiction, either, honestly, just because I probably wouldn't be able to resist adding some specfic elements and/or unanchoring it from time (Fantasy is freedom to me, whereas historical accuracy is something extra to adhere to.)

Who is your target audience? Do you think anyone outside of that would get anything out of your works?

You mean other than myself?? Ok but actually it's pretty broadly just people who like fantasy. I have one wip that's technically YA just based on the age of the characters, but it could definitely be enjoyed by adults. My other wip is adult/NA but could also definitely be enjoyed by teenagers.

What kind of themes do you tend to focus on? What kinds of tropes? What about them appeals to you?

hmmm….something about the juxtaposition of violence and tenderness? Guilt/responsibility and free will/predestination a la the Chosen One trope. Memory loss trope (so juicy)

What themes or tropes can you not stand? What about them turn you off?

I personally am not a fan of immortal love interests. sorry everyone.

What are you currently working on? How long have you been working on it?

My current main wip is called Deep and Dark, Beautiful and Bright. I started it in November 2020. I also have a back burner project called Fear Me, which has been ship-of-Theseus-ing since I was like 10 lol. And I'm working on two short stories that are being more trouble than they're worth

How long have you been writing? What do you think first drew you to it?

I've been making up stories since I knew what stories were. Mostly started out playing elaborate pretend games with my sister. In second grade my best friend suggested we "write a book" together since our teacher would give out blank spiral-bound paper packets. (I think she was mostly interested in my illustration abilities tbh) Anyway we created a series centered around a character named Natalie (who was basically a ripoff of Ramona/Junie B. Jones.) But anyway I think around then is when I actually became interested in writing books as an outlet for making up stories. I didn't actually do a ton of writing as a kid, but I always collected story ideas and had a ton of ocs that I would draw in my secret sketchbook.

Where do you get your inspiration from? Is that how you got your inspiration for your current project? If not, where did the inspiration come from?

Honestly I get inspiration from everywhere. My brain is a very productive idea factory (but not a productive draft finisher, sadly). Other media (for example taking one specific concept or plot point form a move and running in the opposite direction with it), dreams, songs, historical events, offhand comments from friends, etc. Sometimes justt out of nowhere I swear.

Have you published anything? Do you want to?

Not yet and yes eventually

What part of the publishing process most appeals to you? What part least appeals to you?

I want my projects to have a final form and I want other people to read them. I don't want anyone I know irl (or anyone else for that matter) to psychoanalyze me about them. I'm not looking forward to anything to do with marketing, writing to market, tight deadlines, adhering to standardized formats/lengths, etc. but so it goes…

What part of the writing process most appeals to you? What part is least appealing?

I love coming up with ideas and characters and scenes. I love rambling in my notes doc. I love drafting in the rare moments when I actually do it. I really struggle with getting all the pieces of my plot to fit together. I like editing (I'm literally an editor). I cannot do project management to save my life.

Do you have a writing process? Do you have an ideal setup? Do you write in pure chaos? Talk about your process a bit.

Right now what's working fro me is to have three distinct documents. One goes strictly in order. Another is to put all of the scenes I want to write that don't fit into that order yet. The third one is for me to yell about it all (notes). When I'm lucky, scenes form the chaos doc (scene bank) eventually find their way into the order doc.

Your Thoughts on Writeblr:

How long have you been a writeblr? What inspired you to join the community?

I joined tumblr predominantly for the writeblr community in 2018 (don't remember the specifics but I remember seeing writing posts on pinterest and was like hm well might as well go directly to the source)

Shout out some of your favorite writeblrs. How did you find them and what made you want to follow them?

in no particular order and not an exclusive list: @aohendo @mecharose @scarvenartist @woodhousejay @baroquesse @tracle0 @klywrites @garthcelyn @incandescent-creativity @zmwrites @ashen-crest @ambiguouspuzuma @ettawritesnstudies @megarywrites @magic-is-something-we-create @pinespittinink @isherwoodj just a few of the many excellent people here

What is your favorite part about writeblr?

I just love the community aspect of interacting with other writers, or even just seeing what everyone's working on and how it's going. Even if someone's wip isn't my exact cup of tea I still like seeing posts about their work and people encouraging each other.

What do you think writeblr could improve on? How do you think we can go about doing so?

A lot of people say that interaction is dead etc. but I don't really think that's true. I think focusing less on reblogs and more on comments/asks as a form of interaction would strengthen the feeling of community. Not everyone is obligated to reblog everything and comments and asks can be more personal anyway. I like knowing other people are seeing what I put out there, and I especially love getting comments on my work, but that doesn't mean I need everyone to share it. I'd rather have 5 followers that interact with me than 1000 who don't. Quality over quantity, you know?

How do you contribute to the writeblr community? Do you think you could be doing more?

Of course everyone could always be doing more. I like to read other's snippets when I'm in the headspace for it, but sometimes I'm just here to mindlessly scroll and that's okay too. If I read something and I think it's cool or interesting or well-written or anything I try to either leave a reply or reblog with something in the tags. If I can't think of anything to say just quoting a line that I liked will suffice (I like when people do that to me). I do want to try sending more asks to people—I try to always send one when I see someone's reblogged an ask game, but I think everyone would appreciate some out-of-the-blue asks as well :)

What kinds of posts do you most like to interact with?

All kinds but I am most likely to interact with shorter posts about peoples' process or something about their characters. @klywrites will post about tiny interactions between her characters and I literally love them just from seeing tiny scenes on my dash every so often. I really like to read longer snippets and short stories too (there's some amazing writers here y'all) but I'm more likely to scroll past those if I can't spare the focus. Also I love seeing art! even from people who don't consider themselves artists like aww you drew your little guy and I love them now

What kind of posts do you most like to make?

idk I end up just vagueposting about my process most of the time. I love to infodump about my characters/worldbuilding but I don't do it too often. I also like to post about writing things in general, but I don't consider myself an expert or anything so I'm not putting out a ton of advice—just what works for me

[nerdzzone]

Only For A Moment: December

Summary: A series of shorter one shots from Chris and Whitney’s life together throughout the pandemic. Some happy times, some harder times, some fluff and some things a little more sexy - they work through it all as they try to get settled in their new and blossoming relationship.

Chris Evans x OFC

18+

Part of the Once Bitten/More Hearts series

Only For A Moment: November [part two]

Note: This is the last part of this section of the series! Thank you to everyone who has read, liked, reblogged and commented so far, I really appreciate your support and love reading all your thoughts! There will be more, focusing on their lives as the world starts opening up again, but I’m not sure when it will be posted.

-----

December 2020

December was a somewhat bittersweet month.

There were quite a few positives as Christmas always brought plenty of joy - and it brought Scott back from L.A. which was a nice treat for everyone - and there was also the big announcement of an approved vaccine. The roll out wouldn't be immediate, of course, but there was hope on the horizon and a clear sense of relief.

However, there were some negatives as well. I still had my concerns about how well we'd adapt our relationship to the realities of real life and, as excited as I was about Christmas, the holiday season was making me miss my family more than ever.

Chris' family was a great substitute - especially as the case numbers were low enough that we were allowed to have small family gatherings which meant they could all to stay over at our house on Christmas Eve as they had the year before - but I hadn't seen any of my own family in over a year and I missed them terribly. It made me so sad to think of how much Grayson had grown since they last saw him and knowing that I had a little nephew that I'd never even met was starting to break my heart.

In an attempt to ease the ache caused by the distance, we had a video call on Christmas Eve since my family were all together too and I was relieved that our friendly, confident three year old had no problem making conversation with the grandparents and uncle that he could barely remember. It was heart-warming and refreshing to have that time with them even through a screen, but it wasn’t the same and it left me wanting more. I wanted to see them, to hug them, to help my mom make Christmas dinner and beat my brother at the card games we always used to play. I wanted to be less than three thousand miles away and it was starting to weigh on me.

I held it together pretty well, not wanting to put a damper on the happy festivities we were having, but later that evening, when I was alone with my thoughts as I finished tidying up the dishes from dinner, it was suddenly overwhelming. I leaned on the counter as my chin dropped to my chest and the tears finally came. I wasn’t going to let myself have more than a few minutes to wallow in my sadness, but almost as soon as the tears started, a voice from behind me interrupted.

"Whitney?" Lisa quietly announced her presence. "Are you okay?"

I sniffled and quickly wiped my eyes before turning around to see her standing in the doorway with Scott, concern on both of their faces.

"I'm fine," I smiled weakly, but Scott wasn't going to let it go that easy.

"What's wrong?" He asked. "Why are you crying?"

"I just miss my family. It's hard not getting to see them at Christmas," I admitted. "I know I didn't get to see them last year either, but it's been so long now since I've seen them at all. I guess that's just made it harder."

"Oh, honey, that's understandable," Lisa assured me. "I can't imagine how I'd feel if we hadn't been able to be together at all for as long as you've been away from your family."

"Usually I'm fine," I insisted. "I think just seeing them all together and not being there got to me a little bit."

"Well their loss is our gain," Scott informed me. "Because we're really happy to have you here. I know it's not the same, but you're part of our family too."

"I know and I'm so grateful that I have all of you," I rushed to assure them, not wanting anyone to think I wasn't happy to be spending the holidays with them. "It's been so amazing how you've all taken me in and let me be a part of your family. I know things were complicated with Chris and I, but you've always been so good to me."

"You've been a part of this family from the moment we found out about Grayson," Lisa said firmly. "Whatever happened between you and Chris never mattered to us. We're glad you've sorted yourselves out now, but we've always thought of you as family."

Scott nodded in agreement and their kind words brought more tears to my eyes.

"That really means a lot," I choked out, blinking frantically to stop myself from crying anymore. It took a moment to compose myself, but eventually I let out a laugh and wiped my eyes again. "Sorry, I'll stop blubbering soon. I don't think I realized how much I missed them until now and once I get all weepy, it's hard for me to stop."

Lisa crossed the kitchen quickly and pulled me into a hug.

"If you need to let it out, then you go right ahead."

I returned her hug and was about to inform her that it wasn't necessary when Chris - who had been upstairs putting Grayson to bed - appeared in the doorway and interrupted our little moment.

"What are we letting out? Why is Whitney crying?" he asked. "What did you two do to her?"

"We were just letting her know that none of us would judge her if she wants to dump your ass," Scott lied, a smirk on his face. "And now she's crying tears of joy."

"Scott!" Lisa scolded despite the laugh that fell from her lips as she let me slip out of her arms. "That's a horrible thing to say."

"It's not true," I assured Chris even though I was sure he'd figured that out. "I just had a little sad moment. I miss my family so your lovely family members were reassuring me that I'm part of yours."

"You absolutely are," he agreed, coming over and slipping his arm around my waist before pressing a kiss to the side of my head. "I'm sorry that you're sad, but do you remember what I told you last year?"

I'd spent a lot of time trying to block out the memory of last Christmas in the months after it happened and apparently I'd done a good enough job to not know what he was talking about.

"No," I shook my head. "What?"

"There's no time for worryin' at Christmas!" He reminded me. "Let's get you a drink and turn that frown around!"

"Alright, that sounds good," I laughed as I slid out of his grasp. "Lisa, can I get you another glass of wine?"

"Oh, yes, that's actually why we came in here," she smiled. "We were sent to get everyone another round."

"Perfect," Chris grinned as he opened the fridge and started pulling out supplies.

He poured drinks for everyone, but held me back as his brother and mother left the room with as many drinks as they could carry. He pulled me into his arms again before I could pick my drink up off the counter.

"Are you good?" He asked, rubbing his thumb on the exposed skin just above my jeans. "I'm sorry that you miss your family."

"I'm fine," I smiled up at him. "It was just hard seeing them all together tonight and not being there. I do miss them, but I'm okay. I'm happy to be here with you and your family."

"As soon as things get better, we can go and visit," he promised. "I think I'll have to head to L.A. in the near future anyway. Now there's a vaccine and things might start to improve, there's more talk of starting The Grey Man."

While the thought of a trip to L.A. was encouraging in theory, it made my stomach turn. Travelling while the pandemic was still around seemed very stressful - if Scott's journey home for the holidays was anything to go by - and the thought of Chris returning to work was something I wasn’t eager to think about. I knew he was trying to make me feel better though so I stretched up and placed a kiss on his lips.

"That would be nice," I smiled. "I'd like you to get to know my family a bit more."

"I'd like that too," he nodded. "As soon as we can, I promise."

As I slipped out of his grasp, I tried to focus on that hopeful promise and push any sad feelings from my mind.

-

The rest of that evening was pretty lowkey. We knew that the kids would be up at the crack of dawn as they were the year before and went to bed early in preparation for that. It was a decision that I was very grateful for at six thirty the next morning when Grayson woke us up by launching himself onto our bed.

“Merry Christmas!”

His little voice cut through the silence of the room, ruining any possibility that we might have been able to sleep a little longer.

“Merry Christmas, Gray,” I heard Chris answer as I rolled over. Just as I turned to face him, Chris dragged him down from where he was bouncing on the bed and pulled him against his chest. “Let’s go back to sleep. Okay, buddy?”

We all knew that wasn’t going to happen and Grayson proved it as he giggled and wiggled around, squealing loud enough to ensure that no one in the house could possibly still be asleep.

“Gray! Shhh,” I laughed, pulling him out of Chris’ arms and into my own. “Merry Christmas.”

I kissed the top of his head and he pulled back, grinning up at me.

“Santa came, Mama!”

“Did he?” I gasped. “That’s so exciting!”

“There’s so much presents!”

“Wow, I guess we should go see who they’re for!”

“Probably me,” Chris teased Gray. “I bet they’re all for me and maybe one for your mom.”

“And for me?”

The hope in Grayson’s voice had me interjecting before Chris could tease him any more.

“I’m sure there are some for you,” I assured him. “I bet there’s some for everyone.”

“Even Uncle Scott?”

That question earned a howl of laughter from Chris, but I nodded.

“Even Uncle Scott,” I smiled. “He’s been pretty good this year, hasn’t he?”

“No!” Grayson giggled. “He scared Daddy! And me!”

I laughed, thinking back to the incident he was referencing. Ever since Scott returned from L.A., he and Chris had created some kind of ‘scare war’ where they were competing to see who could scare the other in the best way. They posted the videos on Instagram and their fans loved it, but it had gotten a little out of hand. Scott caught Chris off guard when he came home from a walk with Dodger the day before and got an excellent reaction from him, but he didn’t realize that Grayson was with him too. The poor kid was terrified and cried for almost fifteen minutes afterwards. Scott had been incredibly apologetic and tried to make it up to him, but apparently Gray wasn’t feeling particularly forgiving.

“He did scare us and that wasn’t very nice,” Chris agreed. “He’s probably on the naughty list!”

“Yeah!” Grayson grinned at his dad. “Let’s go see!”

He scrambled off the bed almost as quickly as he’d climbed up in the first place. Once the sound of his heavy footsteps faded as he ran down the hall, Chris pulled me into his arms.

“Merry Christmas, Win.”

“Merry Christmas,” I smiled up at him. “Crazy to think that we woke up like this a year ago too.”

“Almost exactly like this,” Chris smirked. “Until you snuck out of bed as if I wouldn’t know we’d been cuddling all night.”

My jaw dropped slightly.

“You knew?”

“Of course, I knew!” Chris chuckled. “I’d been awake for almost half an hour before you woke up, but it felt so nice cuddlin’ you that I didn’t wanna move.”

“That’s so embarrassing,” I laughed, burying my head in his chest as he assured me that it wasn’t. “But it’s so strange to think that if there hadn’t been that snow storm and I hadn’t stayed over that night, maybe we wouldn’t even be here now.”

“Do you really think that?”

“It’s hard to say,” I admitted. “I think we would have ended up quarantining together, but if we hadn’t had that slip up at Christmas, we wouldn’t have had the same incentive to talk about things during lockdown.”

“But that slip up showed that the feelings were there,” Chris pointed out. “So, maybe it would have happened while we were locked in this big ol’ house anyway.”

“I like to think so,” I smiled. “Either way, I’m happy it did.”

“Me too,” Chris placed a kiss on the top of my head as the sounds of excited children floated down the hall towards us. “I guess we should get up before they come looking for us.”

I reluctantly agreed and we dragged ourselves out of bed to join the festivities.

-

Christmas morning was much the same as the year before. The kids were overwhelmed with excitement at all the gifts, but very grateful and appreciative of everything they received. Chris bought me some new cameras that I’d mentioned wanting to buy before my work picked up again, but it was my gift to him that I was really excited about.

I watched as he opened the box that I’d carefully wrapped and pulled out the photo album that I’d put inside.

“Wow,” Chris murmured as he flipped through the pages with a soft smile on his face. “Are these all of me and Gray?”

“There’s some of Dodger too, but yeah, mostly it’s you and Gray,” I informed him. “I just thought, it’s been such a crazy year and there’s been a lot of stress, but there were some good moments too and I wanted you to have some memories of those.”

“This is amazing…”

He flipped through the pages that I’d filled - in order by month - of all the pictures that I’d taken since the start of the pandemic. There were some of him helping Grayson ride his bike, some of them reading together and doing puzzles, some of them playing in the pool, some of them raking leaves in the fall, carving pumpkins at Halloween, cooking dinner together, curled up on the couch watching movies and pretty much every other day to day activity that they did together through the lockdown. I was amazed by how many pictures I’d taken when I started compiling them, but I knew it was a gift that he would appreciate.

“That’s one of my favourites,” I giggled, pointing to a picture of bath time one night when Chris had fashioned them both beards made out of bubbles.

“I love them all,” he smiled, looking up at me with glassy eyes. “Thank you, Winnie. Thank you so much.”

I leaned in to place a soft kiss on his lips as Lisa moved to stand behind her son and sneak a peek at the album.

“That’s such a wonderful gift, Whitney,” she gushed. “Those pictures are beautiful.”

“Thank you. If you look through it later and pick out your favourites, I can make you some copies.”

“That would be great!” She grinned. “I would love that, if you don’t mind.”

I assured her that it would be no trouble and made notes of a few that I thought she might want as Chris and I spent the next half an hour flipping through the album and reminiscing on the happy moments we shared as a family during a very dark year. It was a rather odd feeling that such a bleak time had also been such a happy one for us. I was beyond grateful that our families had been relatively untouched by the virus plaguing the world and was more than happy to join Scott in his toast to all our continued good health when he brought out the mimosas as soon as all the presents were unwrapped.

-

The rest of the day was filled with plenty of love and appreciation of our little family and the opportunity to be together. As we had the year before, we called all the relatives who lived too far away to join us before spending most of the day playing games, drinking fancy Christmas cocktails and eating delicious food. We had learned something from the previous years celebrations though and didn’t let ourselves get quite as intoxicated as we had back then.

All in all it was a lovely day and my heart was feeling very full by the time we said our goodnights and headed to our room that evening. I was refreshed by the opportunity for such prolonged socialization and had a little extra pep in my step as I pranced off to the ensuite bathroom to brush my teeth.

However, when I came back out, I was surprised to find Chris sitting on the edge of our bed. He glanced up when I walked in, a soft smile on his face, but there was an air of nervousness around him that immediately put me on edge.

"You okay?"

My question was simply met with a nod as he beckoned me over. He grabbed my hand as soon as I was close enough and kept me standing in front of him.

"I have one more present for you," he informed me after a moment of quiet. "But I want to preface it with an explanation so you don't freak out."

I laughed nervously at that statement, wondering what kind of gift could possibly make me freak out. A car? A new house? A puppy? My mind was instantly running wild.

"Okay..."

"I know you're still nervous about things going back to normal and how we'll handle it - I can see it on your face every time it gets mentioned," he started, his words so far offering no explanation. "I've been trying to think of something that I can do to reassure you, something to prove just how committed I am to you because I am all in here, Winnie. From the moment I met you, I knew you were something special and it sounds a little cheesy and over the top, but you really are the love of my life. It took a little soul-searching and some brainstorming, but I eventually came up with something I think might help us both..."

He paused then and reached behind his back, pulling out a little box that made my heart start pounding in my chest.

"Oh my god," I gasped out as he slid from the bed to kneel on one knee in front of me.

He opened the box and looked up at me with hope written all over his face.

"Will you marry me, Winnie?" He asked, the question bringing tears to my eyes. I was biting my lip to hold myself together and didn't realize that I hadn't answered until he launched into some further reassurances. "We don't have to get married right away - we can wait as long as you want - but taking this step, making this extra promise and commitment, I thought it might give us both some comfort."

I was still stunned, completely blindsided by his proposal, but I took in his words and appreciated his reasoning as a grin slid onto my face.

"Yes, Chris! Yes, I will marry you."

Chris visibly relaxed at my acceptance and, with noticeably shaky hands, he took the ring from the box and slid it on my finger. As soon as it was safely in place, he sprung to his feet and pulled me into a breathtaking kiss.

"Holy shit," he let out a deep breath, moments later when we finally parted. "That was terrifying. I thought for sure you were going to turn me down and tell me that I'm insane."

"You kinda are," I smiled. "And everyone else is definitely going to think we've lost our minds."

"Well, we've never done things the traditional way and it just makes sense, doesn't it?" It was a question, but he didn't wait for an answer. "It hit me when we were talking in New York and you made a joke about me proposing, that it wasn't a bad idea, that it was something I wanted to do. I know we've technically been together for less than a year, but I haven't wanted anyone else since the day I met you so what's the point in waiting? I'm not gonna make decisions based on what everyone else thinks we should do - that would be crazy."

I smiled at his anxious rambling and stretched up to place another kiss on his lips.

"That would be crazy," I agreed. "And I don't care what they think. I don't want to be with anyone else either."

He matched my smile as he squeezed me even closer.

"And I mean it, we don't have to rush into anything or start planning a wedding right away," he assured me. "But I thought this extra step might make you feel better about things changing. I'm in this one hundred percent and I'll do whatever it takes to make this work for us."

I didn't need a ring to know that Chris loved me and wanted to make this work and being engaged wouldn't make any of the challenges that were ahead of us any less difficult to face. But there was something about how fearless he was in making such a commitment to me and something about the way he was so determined to reassure me of just how invested he was in our relationship that did put me at ease and fill me with confidence.

The fact that despite all the things we'd been through and all the things we still needed to work on - including my own insecurities - Chris was willing to marry me and make that lifelong commitment had my heart about ready to burst in my chest.

"I'm willing to do whatever it takes too," I assured him. "I love you so much, Chris."

"I love you too," he grinned. "And god, I'm so relieved you said yes."

"Of course I'd say yes," I insisted. "You know I love you."

"I do, but I also know you're worried," he reminded me. "And I didn't want you to think I was using a proposal as a band-aid or something. I know that it won't always be easy and we'll have to work hard."

"We will," I agreed. "But now, at least when you're away, I'll have this pretty ring to remember you by."

I pulled my arm back from around his waist to look down at my finger. I was grateful that it wasn't a massive, showy ring, but it was beautiful and seemed fairly unique.

"It's alexandrite," he informed me. "It's one of the birthstones for June which I thought was fitting for both of us. I was gonna use Gray's birthstone, but apparently April is diamond and I wanted something different. There's diamonds on either side of the big stone though so he's in there too."

"It's beautiful," I smiled as he grinned proudly.

"I didn't think you'd want something too over the top, but I wanted it to be something nice."

"Well, you nailed it," I assured him. "I couldn't have picked a nicer ring myself."

He captured my lips in another kiss and I leaned into it, trying to wrap my head around what had just happened.

"Have you told anyone?" I asked once he pulled away. "Does my family know?"

"I told them last night," he nodded. "I called them back after I tucked Grayson in to let them know. And my whole family knows because I was stressed about the whole thing and couldn't keep it to myself. Oh, and Hannah because she scares me and I thought she'd be mad if she didn't know."

I laughed, letting my head rest against his chest.

"She would have been mad," I agreed. "But I can't believe she scares you, she's like a little chihuahua. She's all bark, no bite."

"She cried on the phone when I told her," he admitted, earning another bubble of laughter from me. "She assured me they were tears of joy, but swore me to secrecy about it so let's keep that between us."

"Oh, no way!" I giggled. "That is too good not to tease her about."

"Well, it'll be your loss if she kills me."

"Again, all bark and no bite," I reminded him. "Did your family know you were going to ask me tonight?"

"Yeah," he nodded, looking a bit sheepish. "I think they're all waiting in the living room to see what you said.”

“Then let’s go share the good news,” I smiled, moving to link my arm with his. “Then we can come back in here and celebrate properly.”

I shot him a wink to emphasize what I meant and he let out a low growl of approval before dragging me out of our bedroom.

-

Of course, his family were thrilled that I’d said yes, even though it didn’t seem like any of them were particularly surprised. I called my family and Hannah as well before sharing a celebratory drink with my soon to be in-laws.

But it wasn’t until we laid, curled up in bed after our more private celebrations that it really started to hit me.

Sure, some people would think we were moving a bit too fast and they might have been right, if we had any intention of actually getting married right away. But for us, it was just another layer of reassurance. The ring on my finger was like a little security blanket, a memento of support for when things got hard and our schedules grew busier. It was a reminder that we were determined to make this work no matter what happened and it had me feeling much more hopeful about the new year ahead of us.

Things would change, there was no doubt about that, but we could get through it and come out stronger in the end. I knew it wouldn’t always be easy and there would be times when we felt like giving up, but with a little love and perseverance, I knew our relationship - and eventually our marriage - would only benefit and grow from our efforts.

-

Tags:  @maggotzombie @moonlacebeam @mizzzpink @zaylaugh @flowery-mess @flowerjewels @njrronaldo7 @hockeychick10 @partypoison00 @theladybiers @sidepieces @firoozehmoon @patzammit @sparkledfirecracker @mytbel0st @chvntelle-99 @mjey12

[gaywatch]

(more Golden Lovers stuff, sorry) i looked back at the previous posts i sent you, haha, and the last one was a lot further back than i thought, so i realized the more recent message might need a little more context, because i'm not sure it quite comes across just how big of a deal this was.

basically, AEW is a brand new American wrestling company that started in 2019. so 2019 was an extremely exciting time to be a wrestling fan, and then the pandemic hit, and 2020 was an extremely depressing time to be a wrestling fan. miraculously, AEW managed to weather the pandemic due to a combination of luck (they happened to have access to an outdoor stadium, and were able to run no crowd shows) and creative ingenuity. it was a real trial by fire for them, since they'd only been on TV for less than half a year when they had to completely change their entire operation.

WWE is obviously the global industry leader in wrestling, but AEW has, uh, caught up to them way faster than anyone thought possible (partially due to the fact that they adapted to the pandemic conditions way better than their competitor lol). the Washington Post has an article that gets into some of this.

this summer, there was a pretty huge turning point for AEW because they brought a massively popular wrestler named CM Punk out of retirement, and then shortly after that, they managed to sign two huge WWE stars: Adam Cole and Daniel Bryan.

now, one thing that AEW really had going for them over WWE was that they cared about long term storytelling (basically, stories developing over multiple years as opposed to over a few weeks or months). their top story was centered around Hangman Adam Page, self-professed "anxious millennial cowboy", who struggled with insecurity after failing to meet expectations in AEW's first year. just as they planned, Hangman's story really resonated with people! Kenny had a huge role in this because he basically became the villain that Hangman would need to beat before he could finally become the face of the company that he was meant to be.

of course, in order for that to happen, Kenny had to have a massive run as a heel, and that's what he spent december 2020-early november 2021 doing. it was a pretty amazing run because his character became obsessed with collecting belts from different promotions, and it ushered in the so-called "Forbidden Door" era of wrestling, where wrestlers from different promotions could walk between them (this is how we got an AEW/NJPW partnership).

this resulted in him getting voted PWI's #1 wrestler of the year. it was his second time winning it, and it marked the first time that a non-WWE wrestler had won it twice. they interviewed him after he won it, and naturally Kota came up (this was a shoot interview, so he wasn't in character). he said: "for someone as influential as Ibushi was to my career, inside and outside, i feel it would be an injustice for [the story] to die"

in-character, Kenny had spent the past year constantly referencing Kota and betraying his insecurity that basically no matter what he did, no matter what heights he achieved, he couldn't measure up to Kota. he referenced him in podcast interviews, on twitter, instagram, in promos on Impact, even in the Mexican promotion AAA, which is literally geoblocked right now so international fans can't legally view their content.

Kenny faced Bryan Danielson in a really great match (a literal dream match for many fans), and in a match that had garnered one of AEW's biggest audiences yet, held in the biggest venue they'd booked, which Kenny knew everyone would be watching, he busted out Kota's old finisher again, the phoenix splash (and missed it like he always does). one of my favorite aspects of his work is that he includes these little gay love letters in all of his best matches so that the Golden Lovers story is literally impossible for anyone to ignore or write out of his work.

it's just cool to me that he's managed to do all of this and basically sit at the top of the industry and somehow still keep the story alive, against all odds

This context is delectable darling, thank youuuuuuuuuuuuu.

Call me a silly optimist but one day there will be a Big Gay Kiss during a wrestling match and the world will never be the same.

[moonlight-additions]

All Hands On Deck

November 2020

The One with the Sprained Wrists

“one by one, I watch you fall down, watch you fall like dominoes��

a/n: Sorry this is soooo late but I was honestly so busy these days! Anyways, this post hasn’t been edited but I hope y’all enjoy it still! (I’ll get around to editing it... one day.) Also remember, feel free to ask me anything and I always love feedback from you guys! 💗💗

Elena’s Masterlist

“They’re here!” Elena exclaimed as she barged into Wooyoung’s room with a package in hand. “By the way, where are the others?”

“They’re all out.” Wooyoung explained as he pressed pause on his game to look at the girl who was making her way next to him.

“I was gone, like, 20 minutes.”

“Well Seonghwa, San, Yunho and Jongho left to shoot for their drama and Yeosang went to the studio with Hongjoong.”

“Huh. Well I guess that’s better for us.” Elena smirked in his direction. “Because now we won’t have anyone telling us to not use these babies in here.” She spoke as she shoved the box inbetween them.

Wooyoung looked at the girl confused. “Hold on. Before I agree to anything with you, what’s in the box?” He questioned eyeing both the box and the girl warily.

“The shoes from TikTok!” The girl exclaimed as she tapped the box in delight. “You know the ones that pop out wheels if you kick the button?”

Wooyoung pushed his switch away from him the minute the girl finished her first sentence with a huge grin. “You should’ve started with that!” He shouted as he began looking around his room for anything to open the box with. “I had completely forgot about them!”

“Here. I got this.” Elena spoke as she shooed his hands off the box. Next thing he knew, she was using her acrylic nail to poke a hole in the tape at the top of the box which now allowed her to be able to rip open the box.

Moving the flaps away, Wooyoung threw the bubble wrap aside to see two shoe boxes sitting in front of him. “Look at them.” He said in a fake choked up voice.

“They’re still covered.” Elena stated plainly as she looked inside the box. Reaching her hand over, she lifted the top off of one of the boxes and moved aside the tissue paper to finally inspect the shoes in person. “Now look at them.” She grinned nudging the boy in excitement.

Wooyoung grinned back and took out the bigger box, evident that those were his, leaving Elena her pair. “What are you waiting for? Let’s try them out!” The girl let out a laugh as she nodded and grabbed her shoes to put them on.

“I’m going to go and start moving some stuff so we have space.” She exclaimed as she stood up from his bed and rushed to the door to begin the process with Wooyoung not far behind her.

Once the pair had managed to move the furniture in the living room aside, the two stood in the middle of the room. “See, we’re totally responsible.” Wooyoung smiled as looked around at the free space they now had.

“I agree.” Elena muttered as she started kicking her shoe to get the wheels out.

The boy turned to her, holding in his laughter as he watched her struggle. “You have to push the button.”

“I know!” Elena pouted as she continued trying to push the button enough to pop out the wheels. “It’s just harder than I thought.”

“I bet I can get them out first.”

“No you can’t.” Elena smirked as she managed to finally get the wheels to pop out. She smiled widely as she kicked her leg out to show off. “See they’re already out.”

The boy looked at her exasperated as he had just gotten the wheels out. “That’s not fair you started first!”

The girl shrugged as she skated around him with a teasing smile. “Still got them out before you.”

The boy huffed as she began moving. “Fine, you may have gotten the wheels out first, but I bet you can’t do that one legged move.” Wooyoung challenged her with a laugh as he skated around in a circle.

“Which one? There are a lot.” Elena spoke back as she used a tone just as challenging to match his.

“That one where you have one leg lifted behind you, all the way up and you’re leaning forward while your arms are outstretched to your side.”

Elena looked over at the boy offended that he though she couldn’t pull that move off. “I can totally do that!”

“No you can’t.” Wooyoung teased with a taunting grin.

“Yes I can!” Elena spoke daringly. “I can even add a spin!”

“Oh yeah?” He provoked her further. “Then do it.” He dared raising an eyebrow expecting the girl to back down at the dare.

However, she only smirked at the boy crossing her arms. “Fine!” She spoke as she made her way to the center of the cleared space. “Watch and learn.”

She started off the move by slowly lifting one of her legs up behind her as she simultaneously leaned her upper body forward in an attempt to maintain balance. Once she was positive that she was stable enough to move, she kicked her leg down quickly to gain enough momentum to begin spinning.

“Oh shit.” Elena whispered as she felt herself start to lose control. She tried placing her foot back on the ground to regain her balance. However that only made it worse. Thinking fast the girl threw herself forward, placing all her weight on her hands, attempting to land a hand stand.

She smiled in relief as she had managed to successfully land the handstand. Moving forward on her hand, she only managed to stop herself when she finally walked into the wall. “See!” Elena spoke out with a small grin on her face as she stayed leaned against the wall.

“I can do it better!” He challenged as he began trying to copy the actions he saw the girl do. He was doing everything right, he was balanced and he seemed to have full control. That was until he started moving.

Elena watched in complete horror as she watched the boy begin to lose balance in an attempt to gain control again, but it only made it worse. “Wooyoung no!”

“I can’t stop myself!” He exclaimed in a panic as he sped towards her with little control over his body at the same time they heard the sound of the front door being unlocked.

Despite Elena’s best effort of moving out of Wooyoung’s way, she did not move fast enough. The boy slammed into her, sending the both of them flying onto the floor, right in front of the front door.

Hongjoong looked at the two members with wide, alarmed eyes from the doorway. “Are you okay?” He hurriedly asked as he made his way to Elena and Yeosang to Wooyoung.

“Yeah, I’m fine.” Elena answered with a soft laugh as she tried to push herself up off the floor with her hands. Although the moment she began exerting pressure, her right wrist immediately began to hurt and gave out causing her to wince as she fell back to the floor. “Okay, maybe I’m not.” Elena smiled weakly at her leader with a little chuckle, in hopes it would lessen the speech she was expecting.

“Not feeling that great over here either.” Wooyoung groaned from beside her, clutching his left wrist close to him.

Looking at the eldest of the four, Yeosang finally spoke. “I knew it was a bad idea leaving these two alone.”

Elena turned to the boy with a puzzled expression. “Me and Wooyoung are fine.”

“Okay, then clap your hands together.” He challenged the girl, knowing full well she couldn’t without hurting herself further.

Wooyoung watched as the girl looked at the boy as she raised her hands up into the air with an expression he knew all to well today. “Wait, no, don’t you dare clap your hands together! That’s how we ended up like this!”

“What do you mean?” Elena asked incredulously as she stopped herself to look at the boy on the floor next to her. “We ended up like this is because you tried to out skate me.”

“Because you were being a show off!”

“Because you dared me too!”

“Yah, that’s enough!” Hongjoong exclaimed as he rubbed his temples, shaking his head. “How is your wrist?” He asked turning to Elena with a firm stare. “Truthfully.”

“My wrist actually really hurts.” Elena smiled sheepishly at her leader before turning to look at Wooyoung with a concerned expression. “What about you?”

“Mine hurts too. I think landed on it badly.”

Hongjoong sighed helping the girl off the ground as Yeosang helped Wooyoung up. “C’mon.”

“Where are we going?” Wooyoung asked as he followed Yeosang out the door.

“To the hospital to get those checked out.” Hongjoong spoke as he walked Elena out of the dorm and towards the stairs, behind the other two.

“Can we get some frozen yogurt after this?” Elena said as she made her way down the stairs next to her leader, Wooyoung immediately shouting in agreement.

Yeosang looked at the girl with a raised eyebrow. “You might’ve broke your wrist and yet you still want frozen yogurt?” He asked incredulously.

“Yeah.” Both Wooyoung and Elena responded as if it was the most obvious thing ever causing the boy to utter a laugh as he shook his head at the two.

“Sure, we’ll get some frozen yogurt on the way back.” The leader smiled softly at the two injured members.

He may have seemed calm and collected but inside he was panicking. He genuinely hoped that nothing too serious was wrong with them. They already had one member on hiatus and he’d hate to see two others also go down in the span of one evening.

The doctor had finished wrapping Elena’s wrist and was currently attending to Wooyoung’s with Yeosang in the room for moral support. Hongjoong and Elena ended up waiting outside, only after a brief discussion on why it would be best if Yeosang was the one who went inside with him.

“Thanks, Joong.” The girl whispered as she reached out for Hongjoong’s hand with her good hand. “For always being here.” She continued resting her head on his shoulder as she tightened the grip she had on his hand.

“That’s what I’m here for.” He responded back with a grin, laying his head atop of hers. It was quiet after that. A silence that doesn’t need any words to bring comfort.

“I’m sorry.” She spoke after a minute, breaking the silence.

“You’re sorry?” He questioned bewildered.

Elena nodded with pursed lips. “I’m sure it’s stressful knowing that two of your members have sprained wrist.”

He took a deep breathe before letting out a soft laugh. “It was stressful knowing you two were hurt, but now? I’m thankful that we know it was only a sprain. You two will be back to normal in no time. Plus you’ve been doing way too much recently, now you’ll have a reason to slow down a bit.” He answered as he squeezed her hand back.

Hearing the door to the room open was what finally made the two members stand up from their seats, just in time to see the two boys walk out of the room. Wooyoung was sporting a matching wrap around his left hand, the opposite of Elena’s.

“Ready to go?” Elena asked as they gathered together in the hall.

“Lead the way.” Yeosang spoke, extending his arm out towards the exit of the hallway.

It was nighttime by the time the four members made it home. Opening the door, Elena walked into the sound of multiple voices coming from all around the dorm in a frenzied manner. Quickly moving to the side, she held the door open for Hongjoong, Yeosang, and Wooyoung as they made their way inside of the dorm, each holding a bag full of treats they got from a convenient store nearby.

At the the sound of the front door closing, the dorm got quiet. All the talking fell silent and suddenly Seonghwa dashed out from the kitchen. “About time you got home! Why are there news articles about-?” He spewed out only to stop in his tracks at the sight of his members.

“Is it Elena?” Elena heard the voice of her boyfriend ask from within the kitchen.

“What is-” She began before getting cut off by the youngest member.

“Why do you and Wooyoung have your wrists wrapped?” Jongho asked from his spot on the couch, looking extremely concerned. “Were those articles legit?”

“I can explain.” Elena began with a small grin as the older boy looked down at her and the boy next to her disapprovingly.

San walked up to the two with wide, anxious eyes. “What happened?”

“Well you see...” Elena started smoothly with a small grin in an attempt to lighten the mood as she saw the tall figure of her boyfriend lean against the kitchen entrance with raised eyebrow and an expectant face at the tone of her voice.

“Wait... are those the TikTok shoes you ordered?” Yunho questioned as he also joined the group, Jongho following behind him.

“They are.” Wooyoung responded kicking his foot up to give the group a better view.

Elena smiled at Yunho nodding her head. “They came in today.”

Seonghwa stared at the two for a minute as he processed the information he just received. Closing his eyes shut, the eldest member pinched his nose before speaking up. “Don’t tell me the reason we were all freaking out over you two being hurt is because you two decided you were pro skaters inside of our living room.”

“Hey, that’s pretty spot on.” Wooyoung commented looking at the girl with his eyes blown wide open in amazement.

“Will you be less mad if I said that I proved to Wooyoung that I’m the better skater out of the two of us?” Elena tried as she locked eyes with Seonghwa.

“Elena!” All the members shouted as Wooyoung quickly extended his good arm to poke her side in retaliation.

Moving away from the injured boy’s touch she threw her head back, clapping happily yet wincing at the pressure she accidentally applied to her wrist. “Sorry!” She giggled out holding her wrist close to her chest. “Seriously though, will you?” She pouted towards the oldest member as she moved to stand behind her boyfriend for protection from said member.

“No, Elena.” Seonghwa sighed tiredly. “That will not make me less upset. You guys didn’t even move the furniture back!”

“To be fair we didn’t really have time for anything after Wooyoung slammed into me.” Elena tried reasoning with her member as she poked her head out from behind the boys shoulder.

The boy blocking the girl chuckled wholeheartedly as he turned around to hug her. “Hey, I’m impressed.” He spoke into her hair playfully before pulling back and side stepping away from her with a wide smirk. “Although you did have me and your members worried, so you’re on your own babe.”

“Wait, what?” Elena responded looking at him confused before realizing that he moved out of the way, leaving her open to both Wooyoung and Seonghwa. “Oh no.”

[thoughts-on-bangtan]

being honest i dont get jm using a award to say he misses tannie... we don’t know 90% of their lives but they are very close to the point of still sleeping together sometimes. and going deep if they were really a couple jm woudnt miss taes dog right? and even as friends he could visit it. unless its because of their schedule right... this kind of comment sometimes confuses me and haters will use it as “they arent close” lol. i just wanted to know your pov.

Judging by Admin 2's reaction, as well as some others in our asks, I have a feeling I was the only one with a more realistic expectation, or lack of expectations, as I waited for the BTS profiles to be posted. Based on last year's, I knew expecting something grand out of Tae, and especially Jimin, would just be me setting myself up for failure, which is what I think happened here.

But, let's discuss it.

I spent a solid couple of hours making an excel table last night that contains everything every member said about every member (sourcing 3 translators for maximum insight) to see if really what Jimin chose for Tae is so "bad" that suddenly people are sending us asks like this one, and another one I'll add later down the line. And the conclusion I've come to is that...what he gave to Tae, as well as Hobi and Seokjin, as awards are the only ones that have any actual emotional/personal connection to them.

With Namjoon and JK Jimin basically states the obvious--Namjoon is tall and JK has gained muscle mass, meaning nothing new or with a proper emotional connection was stated; to Yoongi he made the same request many other members have made, so a work connection, nothing inherently personal.

Now, compared to that--Seokjin teases him/them, which isn't new info, so Jimin asked him to stop or do it less, a valid request which I'm sure he also voiced to Seokjin outside of this FESTA profile and also shows a degree of personal connection; Hobi gets requested to not walk away after asking Jimin a question, which again shows a personal connection and that it's a reoccurring thing; and lastly Tae with Tannie.

Something I've noticed is that some ARMY, who are used to our western celebrities and draw conclusions about idols based on those parameters, forget that BTS are busy, like whatever you consider busy, take that and multiply it by ten. During his vlive with Hobi and Yoongi back in April, Tae said that they are much busier and their lives far more hectic than any of us realize. Taking that into account, and the fact that one of the members (I think it might have been Seokjin) mentioned they work at least ten hours a day for 360 days a year with practice, MV and CF filming, photoshoots, interviews, recording and working on music, meetings, and many other things we have no idea about, do you really think Yeontan lives with Tae full time? A dog needs to get walked and fed but if Tae is out of the house every day for at least ten hours, what would happen to Tannie? He'd just sit around at home alone all day which just isn't fair, so I'm sure Tannie lives with Tae's parents much the same way Micky lives with Hobi's parents and/or his sister, JKs dog lives with his family, Holly lives with Yoongi’s brother, Moni with Namjoon's, and years ago Seokjin had to give his sugar gliders to his parents because he was too busy to take care of them.

Based on that of that, I'm not sure how often Tae get's to see Tannie. Probably not all that often, to be honest. So, if Tannie's owner doesn't get to see him often, I'd assume Jimin gets to see him even less (if we work on the assumption that Tannie lives with Tae's parents and thus Tae could only really see him when visiting them or when they visit him, that means Jimin wouldn't be able to see Tannie just like that either, since that would be like intruding on family time, right?). And we know Jimin loves Tannie, so him using that award to say he misses him and is asking about him shows care and an emotional connection to Tannie. Do I think Jimin also asks Tae privately about Tannie? Absolutely. And still, while Jimin didn't give Tae the, I don't know, "hot body Award" like Yoongi did with Namjoon or the "person I love most in the world award" (which we should know by now would never happen, and if you expected something of that intensity level, than I'm sorry but you've set yourself up for disappointment from the start), he still drew a personal and emotional connection between himself and Tae, as well as the pet Tae loves dearly.

More below the cut:

Jimin could’ve asked about the other pets of the members, but he didn’t, he only ever really talked about Tannie, and here he does it again, so doesn’t that show that he has a bond with him, a closer one than the other members since they don’t/didn’t ask about him (except for Hobi that one time on weverse)?

Speaking of Hobi, am I the only one who finds it interesting and cute that he only drew little hearts for Jimin and Tae when writing down their awards?

Also, we have to remember that these profiles are for us, fan content (remember when Jimin asked Tae last year to post more pictures of Tannie on weverse because ARMY miss seeing him, so what if this is drawing a connection/parallel to that?), and not meant as the members “confessing” something to each other that they otherwise wouldn’t or don’t have the chance to do so. It’s not meant to be all that serious and instead just be fun and nice for us to read, show us a bit of their dynamic and that’s it, no world shattering revelations to be found, from any of them. Or do you really think Yoongi doesn’t like Jimin just because he told Jimin he’s trying too hard to be funny? It’s just part of their dynamic. Or that none of the members have anything else to say to JK besides commenting on his body/appearance? As for vmin, I’d like to remind us of this moment from their Friends subunit interview for FESTA 2020:

Whatever Jimin and Tae want to say to each other, they don’t need FESTA to do it, or us to be there as witnesses. Like Tae didn’t already say enough by telling us that 95z is love. Or Jimin by writing Friends.

From anon: because of you I came back da Namjin. I am a senior army and 2 years ago I left Namjin because I thought they broke up. You made me three Vmin but after what JK wrote about Jimin and after Jm himself about his chances I think that vmin are not together or Jimin withdrew. I think Jk would not dare to write about Jm that he has cute fingers etc if vmin were a relationship. it goes too far and confuses Jk too much. I don't want to say that J / k*ok is real because it certainly isn't !!!!

Now this is where I just sit and sigh heavily because it’s exactly what I expected and I will admit it irks me to no end. Let’s establish a little timeline:

Based on the FESTA Mission! BTS 4 Cuts Teaser that was posted earlier we can deduce that at least part of FESTA was already being prepared back in the first half of March, since on March 12th Jimin, Namjoon and Seokjin had their salad making vlive. Let’s suppose that everything FESTA related was prepared and written out by the members around that time as well. Sometime later BTS filmed YOU QUIZ followed by LET’S BTS and BTSxGame Caterers and everything else we’ve seen after that.

Or going a little further back to sometime in November 2020 while they were preparing for MMA 2020 and the Black Swan performance. We got the practice video today and if you pay attention to Jimin and Tae even there you notice that while Tae is waiting for his turn in the choreography, Jimin runs past him after his part is done (0:55) and they pat each other or do a “high five” or something along those lines as a way to cheer each other on. A very “we’re broken up” or “I will break up with him soon” thing to do, right? Or in min-January when Tae posted seven pictures out of which three were of just Jimin after an ARMY on weverse asked if anyone had any nice pictures they could use as wallpaper for their phone. Between all that I’m having a hard time honestly finding any moment where either of them seemed sad or “cold” toward the other the way you would be and feel if the person you love pulled away from you or broke up with you.

If you are still unconvinced and still think that is what Jimin tried to communicate to us, would Tae really have gone on national TV and said he likes Jimin the most? And would Jimin have agreed that he likes him a lot as well? Or looking at the making video of their Kloud Beer CF that was posted today as well, would Jimin really be looking and interacting with Tae this way if he decided to end things between them?

Also, going back a little, your mention of Jimin reflecting upon opportunities/chances now that it’s a new year. My question is based on what you made the judgment that this comment has to be about vmin and not about something entirely different in Jimin’s life, or maybe something connected to BTS as a whole? Just because of him asking Tae about Tannie? Jimin, as well as Tae and the other members, have entire lives outside of just their bonds with each other, entire careers, passion projects, families, friend groups, and that little bit of time they have to themselves, so immediately thinking Jimin’s comment must be related to his relationship/bond with Tae basically makes it seem like Jimin’s life is a romcom or a TV show in which the only thing that matters is if the main character will date or remain in a relationship with character B or not, but life isn’t like that.

Personally it reminded me of something Tae said during their Bring the Soul documentary about how BTS had the opportunities to go higher faster but they decided against them. Perhaps Jimin’s comment was about something like this as well, especially since we know Jimin is a very private person and very selective of the personal things he shares with us and the ones he doesn’t.

For the FESTA profile JK decided to give Jimin the “Cute Award” with the explanation that his “Face, height, fingers are cute” which, honestly, is just saying something that a) is true and b) has been said in millions of ways by every member across the last couple of years. I don’t see what the issue here is? During one of the episodes of BTSxGame Caterers Seokjin said that Jimin is very cute and that he has a small, beautiful face, so really he even added the word beautiful in there, which JK did not, so what really is the issue here? The fact its JK, right, that’s where the issue lies, to which I ask why? On this blog we’ve already established that there is (in our opinion and based on everything we’ve seen and heard) no romantic connection between JK and Jimin (nor Tae), not now and not in the past either, so why is him saying that Jimin is cute (which he is known for even by people outside of ARMY, or like James Cordon calling him his cute baby mochi) is an issue but Seokjin or any other member is not? Either we use the same measurements for everyone or we don’t compare or make such assumptions about any of them.

What I find curious, because this does make it seem like you, anon, are someone influenced by J*k*ok shippers and their opinions, see an issue in JK saying that about Jimin, and how that’s “proof” that Jimin and Tae can’t possibly be together, and yet you took no issue to Namjoon basically saying he wants to give Tae an award because he is so handsome he is above every list or Yoongi comparing him to Michelangelo's David, both of these being much more superlative and grand complements/awards than JK saying Jimin’s face, height and fingers are cute.

It’s funny how things that Jimin and Tae have said about and to each other that make their bond very clear (I want to live with my lovely Taehyungie forever or here is my love for you while handing Tae a bunch of red heart balloons or 95z is love, a statement I’m sure he wouldn’t post if that sentiment weren’t mutual) are all questioned or ignored, but something as basically trivial as a comment about Jimin being cute is turned into a major issue. The mental gymnastics is fascinating.

Lastly, going back to the first anon and their mention of how haters will use Jimin’s Award for Tae as “proof” that they “aren’t close anymore”--why do we care? Like Namjoon said in the Mic Drop lyrics Haters gon’ hate. They will say a lot of things about a lot of things and even make things up if they feel like it to push their agenda, so really, regardless of what Jimin would’ve said, or not said, they would’ve found a way to twist it and make it fit their narrative. Besides, what haters think has no actual effect or bearing on what Tae and Jimin have with each other, and neither does what other shippers claim. Haters and other shippers don’t control the narrative, BTS do, and everything Jimin and Tae have shown us in 2021, as well as the last eight years, shows me that their bond has only ever grown stronger and closer and more beautiful and awe inspiring, even while haters claimed they stopped being friends years ago, so why should you or I care what they think?

Like Yoongi once said in one of his vlives about how haters can write all they want, he won’t read it while they will get sued.

[roniscloud]

ldh - frostbite

lee donghyuck [f. requested (female reader), 1197 words] frostbite

“heads up!” the sounds of blades scraping the ice, the heavy gear thudding as players collide with each other, and the shouts from them are all that can be heard in the rink. “coming in on your left-” too late. even with haechan’s warning, jeno was blindsided with the hard hit. the crash could be heard from anywhere in the stadium. everyone halted and rushed to the fallen teammate. worry washed over haechan, him hurriedly saying, “dude, i’m so sorry. are you ok? are you hurt?”

a strained groan leaves jeno. he tries to regain his composure and balance, ultimately wincing in pain. “i’m fine, don’t worry. i’m just going to sit out for the day.”

winwin, the captain of the hockey team, chirps in, “then practice is over. i’d rather we get you home and iced up than continue on without you. everyone good with that?” they all agree, helping him stand up to sit on the bench. the players surround him and make sure the now injured star-player gets help. “you have a ride home, right?”

“crap… my ride isn’t picking me up for another two and a half hours.” jeno gives out an exhausted sigh. “it’s ok,” he says in a convincing tone—more to convince himself rather than his teammates, “i’ll just call her and say we ended early. oh, she’s going to be so pissed when she finds out i got hurt.” jeno throws his head back, realizing the inevitable lecture. 

“her? she? who’s supposed to pick you up?” mark chimes in this time. the rest all having their ears perked at the thought of jeno with some girl. for all they knew, he wasn’t interested in anyone, so who exactly is this girl he’s mentioning?

“well besides the identity of mystery-girl, why would she be pissed? you literally got hurt.” a confused tone in yangyang’s words. jeno stays quiet, not bothering to pay attention to their questions. he only buries his face in his gloves, mumbling to himself.

“look, i’ll explain in a bit. can someone hand me my phone, please?”

the members scramble off, heading to the locker room, sungchan and ten opting to help jeno. after everyone is showered and dressed, they make their way back to the arena. they all keep pushing jeno to fess up and explain who mystery-girl is. he begins to describe her, using phrases like ���bookworm, volunteers at the library afterschool, super smart, doesn’t really talk to anyone.” as if on cue, haechan says your name as the doors to the rink slam open.

“jeno? what the hell happened? are you hurt? are you ok?” you storm in, rushing to find the one you named. “where did you get hurt? how did it happen? answer me!”

“jeez… one question at a time, maybe. i got knocked down by hyuck, he gave a warning but i didn’t dodge in time. my shoulder and knee are kinda jacked but if i rest, i should be good for our match on friday.”

a relieved sigh leaves you, like a weight being lifted off your shoulders. “ok… so you don’t have to go to the hospital. that’s good to hear…”

yangyang whispers to mark, “she doesn’t seem pissed to me-”

a quick slap is delivered onto the back of jeno’s head. now, the angry words are fuming out of you, “do you have any idea what i just went through to get here? i had to leave work two hours early to save your ass. i get a call from you in the middle of my shift, telling me that i need to pick up my imbecile of a brother cause he got hurt. are you stupid? how many times have i told you? what do you do when you see someone charging towards you?”

jeno mumbles, “get out of the way…” “no! you stand your ground so they fall from the impact, not you! idiot! swear, i ought to beat your ass for this…”

“please don’t,” he says meekly. 

“get your bag, we’re going. i’m dropping you off at your dorm and then you’re on house arrest.” “what the hell? you can’t just do that. you can’t put me on house arrest.” “uh yeah, i can. unless you want to face the consequences, i suggest you listen to me. now, come on. i’m going to the car. if you’re not there in five minutes, i’m driving off without you and you’re not getting rides to practice or games for the next month.” before he can respond, you’re already out the door.

“did i hear her call you her brother?” ten asks. the rest all stunned at her demeanor.

“yeah, she’s my twin. not many know cause for some reason, she doesn’t want people to know. now, if you’ll excuse me, i need to go. i’ll text y’all when i get home. see you guys later.” “umm… am i the only one that found her yelling and going off on him attractive?” haechan asks his teammates after making sure jeno was far enough to not hear.

“dude, seriously? that’s what you were thinking about this entire time?” haechan nonchalantly shrugs, ignoring mark. 

it’s not until the morning of the friday before their match when donghyuck sees you again. jeno didn’t want to risk anything, asking winwin to pick him up. even so, you head to the rink by yourself. you didn’t expect to see anyone there, considering you arrived before seven in the morning.”you wanna explain why you’re here hours before the rest of your team is even supposed to show up?”

“game day always gets me nervous. it’s sort of a ritual for me to show up early, get some shots in beforehand. what are you doing here, and why aren’t you wearing any gear? i mean, you already have a stick and puck but at least wear a jacket, it’s freezing. next thing you know, you’re getting treated for frostbite.”

a light laugh is heard coming from both of you. “i can handle myself.”

“oh?” an amused smile adorns hyuck’s face. “your brother plays hockey and yet here you are, on the ice before him.”

“oh please, he wouldn’t be playing if it wasn’t for me in the first place.” “what’s that supposed to mean?” now, he’s intrigued.

“why don’t i just show you?”

“are you challenging me?” “are you doubting me?” without another word from donghyuck, you’re pulling a deke and scoring before he can blink.

“when the hell did you learn how to do that?”

“i’ve been playing longer than jeno. i still help him out from time to time. coach him, practice with him, you know how it goes. i just chose to focus on other things. hockey’s an escape for me sometimes.”

“well, if you ever want to really get back into it, i can always ask coach.”

“i’ll keep my options open…” did you say that because you actually were interested in joining the team, or did you just say that because of who was asking? it was the latter, but you wouldn’t admit that until the aforementioned wormed it out of you on your first date about two months later.

originally written: 30 november 2020

[restwellsoon]

This is me totally being a sap, but today is the one year anniversary of my dude proposing to me.

I just worked my 3 in a row, absolutely pissed that one year into the pandemic and the hospital still hadn’t gotten their shit together. We were still coding people left and right and hoping that whoever the fuck was out there listening would make those 12 hours go by as quickly as possible. At the very least, family members could agree to pull life support so we wouldn’t have to make these people suffer any more than they already were.

There were nights when we ran out of equipment for the patients and we just... had to make due with what we had. We had to call doctors and ask if it was okay to keep the patients satting in the 80s maxed out and proned because there was nothing else that we could do. The floor was already exceeding their daily limits for medical oxygen consumption because of all the vents, Bi-Paps and High-Flows. If we didn’t lower them to the lowest tolerable setting, we’d run out of oxygen and then everyone would die. It wasn’t a surprise that consistent hypoxia left them with brain damage or when they finally recovered, they weren’t the same. We knew that.

It was month three of staffing ratios being taken away from the nurses -HIGH ALERT PANDEMIC SURGE NOTIFICATION would flash on the computer every time I’d sign in-, and I hadn’t had a lunch break since November 2020. I remember being able to trace the outline of my N95 -which we still had to fucking reuse and put in the paper bags every shift, then throw them in a dumpster to be “sanitized” for later use- with my nails at the end of work. It’d burn when it fell into place again 12 hours later. When I took off my scrub cap, my hair fell out in chunks.

The tops of my hands had been chemically burned from the sanitizers for about two months. They’d still hurt as I’d slather on cream and put a Tegaderm on. They only healed when I was off of work, going from that angry purple-red to a bright pink. “Freddy Krueger hands,” I’d tell anyone at work who asked, “because we’re living in a fucking nightmare.”

Two months before I swore I’d never love another patient again after losing someone who honestly believed I was their angel. I lied and kept watching person after person die every shift, bagging their bodies and stuffing them into the freezer that was only meant for six. I’m not attached, I’m not attached, I’m not attached. But I still remember most of their names. I’m still scared to forget them. At least I stopped making promises I couldn’t keep to them. Saying sorry stopped feeling good enough. Now I had nothing to say and only anger to feel. I didn’t know what to do with my rage so I lashed out when everything was too much.

You and I had been fighting for months because of Covid. “Babe, we’re both heroes now,” you’d joke.

Right. Because even before the pandemic, you were always the hero. The one who was running into the fire when everyone was rushing out. The pandemic never changed that. And a part of me was incredibly bitter about how the public saw you.

Because what was I before the pandemic? Just some fucking nurse? The doctor’s bitch? I was still getting pissed on, spit on and coughed on by the very people who were calling me a “healthcare hero.”

I didn’t want to be a hero. I don’t think any of us did. I just wanted to go back to before the pandemic where I could help people and be the person that they needed me to be- their hero was never a part of that. I didn’t want to hold their hands when they died either -more angel than hero, some would say-, but I did because I knew what it was like to be alone and I didn’t want them to feel as alone as I did then.

And I felt alone. Especially in my apartment. There were times when you wouldn’t be home for five days to a week at a time. I was alone with my thoughts and I spent my free time staring at blank walls or filling up Google Docs with stupid words.

It was a fight whenever you came back.

You don’t understand what I’m going through. Why the fuck would I want to have sex with you right now? I spent my Christmas coding someone and all I can think about is their cold, clammy skin when we touch, babe. You know what CPR’s like. I feel their ribs crack underneath my palms even though it’s been weeks. I cry every time I look at braided hair and the sight of chocolate pudding makes me sick. I haven’t slept in over 32 hours because I’m so nervous. I know, it happens every couple of weeks. I don’t know what to do. Yeah, I’ve been taking about 50 of Benadryl every day along with 10 of melatonin, the CBD too. It’s not working anymore. I know I could get a ‘script for something stronger, but... I’m just so tired. All I want to do is sleep. I just want to shut my mind off for a few fucking hours. Please. Some days I just want to shove my head in a blender.

I know I need help. I know, I know.

But you shouldn’t have left me all alone. Don’t you know what I’m going through? I thought you’d understand! Don’t you know I get worried sick when you say another one of the guys got Covid? Is this pandemic a fucking joke to you? They’re dead, babe. They’re family is fucking dead -three fucking generations! I heard a couple say their last goodbyes from across the hall. They knew that this would be the last time they talked, and even then, they could hardly get the words out. How am I supposed to be okay with that? Why are you okay with that? I knew it. You never fucking cared, right? You’re just looking for an excuse to leave. You know what? I’m over it. I’m fucking over it! I thought we could have just one nice fucking night.

I don’t know if I love you is enough anymore.

“So?” My friend asked coyly as we stood in the middle of the nursing station. We all spent Valentines Day weekend together in that shithole that I spent 36 hours of my life at a week. “Does he have anything romantic planned for Valentines Day?”

I set my pen down to laugh, glancing at the clock and then the board. I could work on the assignment in a minute. “Probably not,” I shrugged. It never bothered me that he wasn’t the romantic type. “He’s more of the practical type.”

You’re into fixing things and finding solutions. I kept saying that I didn’t have a problem.

I didn’t know that you had been planning the proposal since November 2020. I didn’t want marriage for anything other than financial security, and even then, I already decided that I’d spend the rest of my days with you for as long as you’d have me, married or not.

When I got home that Monday after my third shift in a row, I was already tucked into bed, counting down how many hours of sleep I can get from 9 in the morning until maybe 2 in the afternoon. We got in a fight before I fell asleep because why the fuck would you show me a video of a stripper getting murdered on CCTV, you fucking asshole? Do you know how many people died this weekend?

“I’m sorry, babe! I didn’t know. One of the boys just sent me that!”

What the fuck is wrong with them? I didn’t suspect a thing and tried to get as much sleep as I could.

I still didn’t suspect a thing when you told me how excited you were to see your friends. I felt bad because I begged you to stay at home every time you weren’t at work. I didn’t realize how this was affecting someone as social as you. You used to say that you felt trapped, and I always said that you could leave. A part of me was always worried that you would.

When you asked me what you should wear to dinner, you pulled out a new shirt and asked if I thought you looked cute. I laughed and said that I have the same shirt and maybe we should go to dinner wearing matching outfits. You wore suede oatmeal Nikes to match, and even when we went on a scenic hike to see the ocean, I didn’t suspect a thing. I thought we were killing time. I only nagged that you better not drag your feet because I won’t stand for you crying about how they got dirty. You had to take a hoodie too, in case it was cold.

And when you got down on one knee, I couldn’t believe what was happening and I remember how you nervously forgot to ask that important question. It didn’t matter. All of our fights about how I love you wasn’t enough to change things didn’t matter anymore.

I don’t need expensive things or pretty words. All I wanted was for someone to take care of me the same way I’ve been taking care of everyone else my entire life and that was what you offered. That’s what you had been doing this entire time, and what I had always refused. It was that ear to listen, that shoulder to cry on, those arms to hold, those lips to kiss. It was pulling the blanket over my shoulders and making sure the bills were paid.

I’ll always be bitter about everything that the pandemic took from me -my sanity, my bedside career, and a lot of other things that are too dark to mention. I was broken. I still sort of am. The human spirit can only withstand seeing so much suffering before getting crushed. Instead of throwing me away, you picked up the pieces.

At first I thought that was what I wanted, to be put back to how I was before all of this. But that’s not what it means to take care of someone or to love them. You take them as they are and push them back towards the light, as slowly as that may be. Isn’t that the only way that hope can thrive? Through persistent encouragement?

Sometimes it’s nothing more than the dim glow of your cell phone, scrolling through memes. Sometimes the light is so brilliant that it’s blinding. The sun still feels warm on my skin, and I forgot how much I missed it. I’m starting to remember how bright and vivid the world is, how beautiful it can be.

And it’s all because of you.

[tobe-sogolden]

Thank you! Her ex is a big reason for the GP’s view of her. Not only did he and his team spread the narrative that there was probable cheating involved and even though there was a joint statement announcing their breakup in November, he felt the need to dispute the timeline a whole month later when she’s in a relationship with someone else? Olivia being with Harry in January of 2021 as a publicly single woman as of November 2020 does not warrant allegations of an affair. That shit pissed me off and then he repeats it an interview 6 months later (confirming the tabloid sources did come from him) where he basically makes it sound like Olivia just ended things out of the blue and he’s still so confused 😐 He could’ve focused on his kids in that interview or shown even a bit of coparent camaraderie and said she’s a great mom or just express love for her as someone you once shared something with but nah, let’s drop hints she blindsided me again. Like I’m sorry but anyone who doesn’t self reflect after a big change in their lives like that was either a) entirely oblivious to their partner’s unhappiness or b) knew but didn’t care cos in his mind she would never leave. Both are shitty and don’t bode well for him as a partner. But as long as that narrative stuck, he didn’t care - hence Olivia saying it was tempting to correct that but kept it cute. And then the cherry on top. Publicly humiliating her in front of 4k people at a huge event for her film by orchestrating a public serving of jurisdiction papers. Oh but poor J*son had no idea about the server or the event. His legal team kept it from him and he was flabbergasted! You would think he’d fire his representation but no. That man has banked on the goodwill of a TV character that is not him in real life, to be petty and weird to his ex while hiding his hands behind his back. That’s the real PR campaign here and it’s worked perfectly as Olivia is demonised by the media and a whole army of anti-fans.

I mean........you said it

[xbunnybunz]

the devil is always cold [jimmy bae x reader x jack kang]

Summary: You and Jimmy used to be close, or at least, as close as the public eye would allow. After he is defeated by Ben Park, he grows distant. As you struggle to hold onto the last pieces of yourself and the fourth strongest member of the Union, Jack Kang reaches out to you. Loving the devil has never been easy.

Genre: Angst, Romance

Date: November 27, 2020

------

The act of loving goes far beyond things we hear from others.

Jimmy Bae is ferocious, people whisper. A person of violence, of destruction, of pride. He’s merciless, a real devil. Instead of a hot pitchfork, he saunters around Yoosun with a wicked grin and a balled fist. He punishes the good and the bad and everything in between.

Fire springs from the ground his feet have kissed, and making eye contact—even from a distance, has said to cause temporary loss of bladder control. (Noted from the Shuttle Patch itself.) His knuckles never fall dull upon any jaw, anonymous writers post. They say the crack can be heard resonating through the school lot, through the local park, through Yoosun alleyways.

He’s a dangerous man.

Jimmy Bae the fearsome, they say. Jimmy Bae the heartless.

And to some extent, you guess it’s true. You’ve seen the look in his eyes before, the life that sparks like an electrical fire right before the first swing—that look that completes Jimmy Bae’s desperate drive for adrenaline like a missing puzzle piece.

But to you, Jimmy Bae was none of those things. To your ever-expanding universe, he was the raging sun. He had a gravitational pull on you, managed to suck you in with nothing more than a look or a few words. A magnetizing man, a killer man, a lovely man.

You were no stranger to the rumors floating around Jimmy, but those words will always stay just words to you. After all, you’d seen firsthand how he cared for his closest friends. Cared for both you, and Jack Kang.

Jimmy knew of his reputation of course, and had a strange and lingering adoration for it. And so the affection that was dealt to both you and Jack was always subtle, always something that would appear like a wisp of smoke. There for one second and gone the next. It was always appreciated for the ephemeral moment it would show itself, and though Jack didn’t seem to mind the brevity, you always secretly yearned for something more.

At night alone in your room, you’d bundle yourself up nice and warm in blankets. Staring at the ceiling, thinking about Jimmy. Wondered if he did all this because he was fearful of losing claim to his title.

Jimmy Bae, fearful. Anyone else would’ve laughed at the incredulity, but you weren’t anyone else.

So you wondered more, pondered further. Wondered if he was afraid that he couldn’t convince himself he was a cold-blooded predator if he allowed himself to love, even just a bit. If he realized he hadn’t embodied the mask people had carved out for him, would everything he had been fighting for become a charade, gone up in smoke?

You both stir yourself from peace and lull yourself to sleep on these thoughts, in vain. Your concerns and curiosities did nothing to answer your questions. The most you can bring yourself to do is observe and understand.

So when he snarks you, feet propped on the table in the pools place for the third time that week, you do nothing but smile at him.

“What do you mean Jimmy?”

He groans and gets up, rolls his eyes like you’re a waste of his time and space.

“I told you I fucking hate coke. Pepsi, dumbass. Pepsi!” He taps the cold metal can on your head, but it doesn’t hurt and you’re not scared despite his looming height.

You’re sure he said exactly the opposite last time, but when you catch sight of Eunjang uniforms by the cue sticks, you swallow your words.

“Ah Jimmy, sorry about that. I totally suck, huh?” You laugh and let him keep pestering you with the can.

You glance at the Eunjang kids again and pause when you catch Jack’s gaze, eyes dark and hard like shining onyx stones. You recognize the look. It’s the shimmer he gets in his eyes when anyone talks shit about Jimmy, the twinkle that possesses him the moment his fingers itch to form a fist. Strangely, it’s been growing in him recently. Stranger yet, it seems to surface more frequently when Jimmy speaks.

Your eyes fall into a lock with his, and his brows are furrowed just slightly. Perhaps a bypassing detail for anyone else, but for the ever-reticent Jack Kang, this was a telltale sign of a temper quickly boiling over.

You soften your eyes and wink at him. This simple gesture is enough to derail him from his previous growing anger, simmering down to flickering embers. Jack turns away from the scene, but his fists are still balled.

It didn’t always used to be like this. You’ve found yourself reminiscing on the older days more than you care to say aloud. It was something you did in private, so you could pretend you didn’t notice Jimmy changing.

You recall when Jimmy used to loop his arm around your shoulders when the three of you strut down the street. His body was always pressed to yours, large and warm in the summer, arm weighing on you like a heavy blanket. The arm migrated to your back as the leaves turned crimson, then your waist when the wind blew harsher.

You would never say, but you ached for the feeling of his fingers on you again. It used to be so effortless, he was a casual man. A friendly pat here, and a loving ruffle of your hair there. It was addicting, he was a passionate man.

Once he had brushed his fingers along your jaw when examining a bruise you had gotten in the crossfire of a fight. Gossamer touch, but leaving searing skin in it’s wake. You remember the look on his face like it was singed into the back of your eyelids. A slight smirk, cocked head, eyes gleaming auburn—a kindling fire waiting for a forest to burn.

Jimmy Bae wanted you. You felt it with every aching fibre of your being, and you so desperately wanted him too. So you leaned in and let the flames consume you.

He reciprocated as much as he dared, which was enough to turn heads in public. Induce hushed voices asking who that was, standing so close to Jimmy Bae? The whispering was widespread, but no solid evidence of a relationship could be forged from any amount of blurry cellphone pictures, or firsthand accounts. This was, of course, because Jimmy Bae and you were stuck in the limbo between friendship and perhaps something more. Whenever you wanted to ask, your eyes meet his and there’s always a silent plead—sloppily hidden as a command—to never ask.

So you didn’t.

Somewhere between the brawl with Ben Park and Jimmy Bae, Jimmy had grown cold. Harsher on you, more secretive to Jack. Both of you asked, but he would say nothing worth noting. Always throwing red herrings, making shitty jokes. Brushing you off, brushing Jack Kang off, brushing you both off. Even smaller things, like his phone, would always be flipped upside down. Never answered when ringing. Never noticed when vibrating, at least, not around the both of you. A smile plastered on his lips like a dare to even fucking ask. Soon, all you and Jack had was each other.

You recall the week things shifted, even thinking about it left a creaking throb in your chest.

Jimmy had flaked out on Jack for a while and completely avoided you altogether. He’d be busy, he said. Union things, he muttered, before stalking away. He was always occupied now, always too focused on everything and anything but you and Jack. A month of diverted gazes, shifty feet and shitty grins later, he finally called you and Jack out again.

“How much of that shit are you gonna drink?”

You blink and look up at Jimmy, sitting across you with a sneer and some bruises on his pretty face.

“I’m sorry?”

He leans in and sucks his teeth audibly, almost obnoxiously. When he speaks, it’s slow like ridicule.

“I asked, when the fuck are you going to lay off on those sodas?” He scoffs and points at the drink in front of him, then at you. “You know how slow you’ve been getting?”

Jimmy laughs and elbows Jack, who sits stiffly beside him. “They think it ain’t shit enough that all they can do is run!” Jack does not utter a word. You can see his adam’s apple bob when he swallows, his jaw tense when he clenches his teeth. But he says nothing.

Jimmy doesn’t seem to mind. He turns to you again, gesturing in the air.

“Do us all a favor and get rid of that, will ya?”

All you can do is watch the words form and fall from his lips and nod. They descend deep into a cavern in your heart, which consumes it eagerly regardless of the sour feeling it leaves behind.

Jimmy was tenser. Meaner. More eager than ever to defend his title.

You forgave him, because he never seemed really happy about it. His eyes didn’t crinkle the way they used to when he made a jest, his teeth never flashed a smile quite the same. But the words that used to be just words still echoed in your mind.

Jimmy the wretched, Jimmy the heartless. Jimmy Bae, the real devil.

But not all was lost. Almost immediately, Jack caught onto your plight. He noticed the hurt in your eyes when you laughed at a particularly cruel joke Jimmy made about you, hears the drag in your tone when you’re asked to do another chore suit for a shuttle.

Jack Kang is a quiet one. He’s silent, but ever watchful. This makes him a hard opponent to read, a hard opponent to fight, and an even harder opponent to hide things from.

“It doesn’t bother me at all,” You say, picking at your fingers. “I hadn’t even noticed.”

You press your back into your bedroom wall, kicking your feet absentmindedly off the bed and hoping to recede into the cracks, away from his umber gaze.

He clicks his tongue and sighs, shoulders dropping, brown eyes piercing straight through you.

“’Doesn’t bother you?’ ‘Haven’t noticed?’” He sits beside you and the bed creaks under his weight, movie on the television long forgotten. He reaches out and places two hands, almost familiar, on your shoulders. “Tell me what’s going on. Doesn’t this…”

He hesitates, like he’s wondering if ‘hurt feelings’ is something he should talk about. Like he’s wondering about the implications between you and Jimmy, about the space he had to wriggle in between the both of you and ask. You hate that he figured you out. Hate that you even had feelings to be hurt in the first place. You despised that Jack and Jimmy were so hardened by the streets that even emotions were embarrassing to speak about in private, let alone display in public.

You place a hand on his wrist and feel his bone and tendons under your fingertips. Somewhere beyond that, there’s a faint pulse, quiet and steady, just like him.

“Jack, I don’t even know what you’re talking about.” You smile at him and hope it’s enough reassurance, but one look at him and you know otherwise.

Jack holds your stare. He’s calling out your bluff without speaking, and for some reason that hurts more than all the horrible things Jimmy has said to you. You never lied to Jack, because you never had a reason to. As close as he was to Jimmy, he was to you. He had unwavering loyalty to anyone he trusted, brutally honest and always genuine. You couldn’t ask for a better person to be by your side.

Jack hadn’t spoke much when you first met and that put you on edge. His gaze was too intense, eyebrows always set in a deep furrow. There was no way to read this man, and yet no way to read him wrong—don’t mess with him, and he won’t mess with you. You avoided him, much like everyone else does when they first meet Jack, until the day you watched him fight.

It was an accident. Your eyes were always on Jimmy, always following his bouncing feet, flying jabs and dirty mouth. Then Jack crossed your vision, and you were unable to look away.

He was fierce, hits landing hard, fast, and always right on target. Jack was like a machine, churning away at making the best hits with the fastest recovery times. Most shocking to you was, unlike Jimmy, he never lashed his tongue even once. He made no promises to take his opponent down, no taunts or mockery to discredit their fighting style. For what Jack lacked in banter, he made up for in actions.

It was then you noticed the way he purchased hot drinks for you after a cold day, how he offered you the spare motorbike helmet each and every time, opting to ride without one even if it destroyed his gelled hair. “I like the wind.” He’d say. But you knew he was lying the moment he looked in the first rear-view mirror you came across, re-styling stray pieces.

Even then, you hadn’t cared for him much. All your mind and body was dedicated to Jimmy, until one day you found Jack glancing over his shoulder in the middle of fights, something Jimmy never did, seeming to search for something in your direction.

It irritated you at first. Made you feel self-conscious, but then you realized he was checking to ensure you were safe from harm. He was sweet in a subtle way that was different from Jimmy, the sparseness in his care was due more to nativity than selectivity.

You learned to trust him, understand him through actions and not words. Jack always found the time to be with you. He’d listen to your doting on Jimmy, nodding along, pretending to be intrigued and only falling asleep once. From your time together, you had learned Jack was always honest, always straightforward, always speaking his mind.

You appreciated his commitment to tell the truth, which is why your inability to reciprocate was so painful now.

“Seriously.” You slide your hand from his wrist up his arm, the muscle rippling like a tide under his pressed white shirt. His eyes travel to the movement, stare weighing heavily between you two.

“I’m alright, Jack.” You try to pry him off you gently now that he was distracted.

“Confess to him.”

You stop short. “What?”

You look back up at Jack and he’s got those steely eyes trained on you again, pinning you to the spot.

“You like Jimmy, so confess to him.”

You falter for a split second, then create a diversion with raucous laughter. “Oh Jack, I thought you were being serious for a second. Geez dude!” You slap his chest lightly but he doesn’t budge an inch. “Confess? You already know how deep the Union’s got him.”

Jack remains unfaltering and you try your best to hide how it unnerves you, reminds you of when you knew so little about him.

“Do it. You have nothing to lose.” His words slice through you like a hot knife and it breaks your heart just a little bit more. Nothing to lose?

Jack’s lips are set in a straight line, like always. He’s always so monotonous, but when you speak it sounds like a squeak of the mattress springs, “Jack... Are you alright?”

He’s got a look in his eye you can’t understand. “He’s hurting you and I hate it. Tell him how you feel. If he likes you then it’ll stop.”

You almost want to laugh at how easy he makes it sound, how he just ignored years of your strife and struggle just to hold onto a piece of the ever-elusive Jimmy Bae. But when you look at Jack, you can’t bring yourself to do anything but shrink away.

“…I’m scared of what’ll happen after.” You say.

He looks at you, really looks at you, and like always, you feel so transparent around him, so naked and bared to the bone.

“Me too.” He says.

Before you can make anything of this, he pulls you into a hug. He’s much larger and envelopes you too easily, all the sharp edges of his bones and firmness of his muscles and the pounding of his heart boxed into one embrace.

Jack Kang was the turbulent one. The tricky one, calm on the surface and storming underneath.

You’ve seen him throttle men twice his size with no trouble at all, a fierce energy blazing through him thirsting for more bloodshed. His fists are iron, and he’s fast as a bullet. But in this moment, he holds you tenderly, carefully, as if you’d splinter and shatter under his callous touch.

“Jack…”   You return the hug and wrap your arms around his shoulders, pushing your face into his neck. He smells like motorcycle gas and hair mousse. “I’m sorry for dragging you into this.” You say.

He swallows a lump in his throat, you can feel him gulp against your shoulder. When he speaks, his voice cracks. “You didn’t.”

“Jack?” You knit your brows together, using your hands to pry him away so you can get a closer look at him. “Jack, what’s wrong?”

He holds on tight for a long second, constricting his arms around your torso like it was the last thing keeping him afloat on a storming ocean, trying to drag him deeper, deeper, deeper. But he pulls back eventually, and it’s so sudden your teeth click with the motion.

His hair is disheveled, falling across his forehead and brushing his dark brown lashes, close enough for you to count, so close you can see the pang of desire, of reservation in his eyes, shining like wet gems, feel every single warm breathy exhale on your lips.

“…Jack?”

He doesn’t reply, holds you there, just watching, oozing restraint. Despite his stiffness, you become aware of the soft duvet beneath you both, aware of the deepening orange sky across the horizon, bleeding past your curtains, washing over the room, and the chill that comes with it.

His grip on your arms tightens and then relaxes, tightens then relaxes, like he’s debating something. You watch him, entranced by the way the sunset put embers into his chocolate eyes.

“I…” He begins, voice low, lower than you’ve ever heard, almost a whisper. “I…”

He cups your face with his fingers, just barely daring to touch you. Everything he does is done with hesitation. The moment feels fragile, like glass. Like a pin dropping, or just a fragment of doubt would shatter it into a million pieces, but now, this second, he was here. Moving closer so slowly, pushing his forehead against yours, eyes searching, breathing heavy and mingling with yours.

You were confused still, conflicted. Jack was so close, so warm, so enticing, and yet Jimmy lingered in the back of your mind, his auburn hair, chesire grin and cheeky personality burning a hole into your heart and shooting tremors through your hands. What would he say about this, about you, about Jack? And darker still, a thought slipped into the cracks of your heart: would he even care? Did you even mean anything to him anymore?

You knew Jack was thinking the same, knew he was keenly aware of his proximity, aware of how he was waltzing along the edge of no return—not just for himself, but you as well.

And this may have been what stopped him short. Pausing, he closed his eyes and took a few deep breaths, each seeming longer than the last. Then he pulls away, the space between you put a cold ache in your chest.

Jack puts his face in his hands, twisting his body away from you, like he can’t bear to see you.

“I’m… Sorry.”

You still feel an icy tundra washing over your body, but couldn’t understand why if Jimmy was the one you were thinking of. Still, for whatever reasons Jack had, you wanted to be there for him. You reached out a hand, caressing his back.

“It’s alright,” You say. “We’ll always have each other.”

He says nothing, but you think he leans into your touch just a bit more.

After this moment, Jack makes it a point to sit beside you, much to Jimmy’s surprise.

“Picking favorites now are we?” Jimmy would joke, but his laughter was always hard around the edges. Like he knew he missed something vital. “How the tables turn.”

Jack wouldn’t respond to him, instead finding your hand under the table to give it a squeeze. Just a simple action, fingers interlocking with your own.

This was enough to keep you going for another month—the time it took for you to find Jimmy squatting behind the school, smoking a cigarette and palming at his eyes.

It was chilly out, almost nearing the end of the winter. A thin sheet of snow covered the floor, and though you were bundled up, Jimmy was wearing the same old Union jacket Na had assigned to the Yoosun district. You learned a lot about that jacket, learned to love how Jimmy beamed, wearing it for the first time back in middle school, learned to hate how Na used it as a chain to keep dragging Jimmy back into the dark. Those harrowing nights he’d return from always beat, bloodied, but never defeated.

“Jimmy,” You start, and flinch at how your voice echoed, louder than you’ve heard it in months. You clear your throat, adjusting your volume. “Jimmy, what are you doing out here?”

He doesn’t respond immediately. Only exhales through his nose, something between a grunt and a gritty chuckle scraping past his lungs. He palms at his eyes for a few seconds more, turned away from you, spine curved into a lazy cove.

Then he looks up at you. His eyes are gleaming in the winter sun, bursting with something like adrenaline, anchored down by something so heavy, so deep in those spiraling fiery eyes.

His words make a puff of smoke in the air, mingling with the cold mist seeping from his lips, “The fuck do you want?”

You cringe at his tone and look away, sticking your hands into your pockets, swaying about.

“I was just…” You trail off, because you’re scared, that’s what you are. Scared of making him mad, scared of making things worse, scared of being pushed away. “…Wondering if you were cold.”

He gives you a look and shakes his head, turning back to face the furnace, gray smog exuding from the pipes.

“The fuck? Why would I be?”

You say nothing. His voice is clipped. Sharper than it usually is, and although you’re used to the pain, it cuts deep. You can tell he isn’t interested in speaking to you, that he’s telling you to leave in the subtle way Jimmy Bae always does, in the subtle way he used to hold you, touch you, worship you.

But you know what this means. You can feel the end creeping up on you like a shadow when dusk looms, rising from the grave you’ve dug so deep for it, hoping to never see it in the light of day again. If you leave now, you’ll never get the chance to speak to him again. He was closing you out, so slowly you hadn’t even recognized it at first. Looking back now, he had given you all the signs.

“Jimmy, I really—” Your voice flickers in and out like a dying flame. “I have something to tell you.”

He sighs. A deep, heavy, burdened sigh. You’ve never heard him sound like this before, you think he must be just as heartbroken as you, maybe, but then he flashes his teeth like he’s laughing at a joke.

“Listen. Babe.” He pivots himself, now facing you completely. He rests his elbows on his knees, propping an arm up and resting his chin on it. “Babe. You’re killing me here. People drift apart, you know that, don’tcha babe?”

He takes a drag from the cigarette, sucking so deep into his lungs you swear he’d turn purple. Pulls it away from his lips, chapped from the cold.

“I’m sure everyone else has noticed, catch my drift?” He cocks his head at you and suddenly you’re thrust back in time, back when he first looked at you like that under a spring sky. Eyes on fire, man on fire, Jimmy Bae and you, on fire. Then you’re back, standing frigid in the ice, snow dusting your lashes, your hands, your cheeks. Just you, in the cold.

“You’ve been pissing me off, babe. Clinging like a bitch. And I know ya know better than that, so I’m gonna ask you nicely, listen real fuckin' close.” He leans in like he’s telling you a secret, an eyebrow quirked up. “Give me some space, and I won’t take out your two front teeth.”

He takes another lengthy inhale of burning tobacco then drops it alongside the numerous other cigarette butts on the floor, crushing it underfoot his new sneakers.

Grins up at you. “Nothing personal though, right babe?”

You’re stupefied at first.

Jimmy bae, the fearsome.

So shocked and numbed that you can barely feel anything but your bursting heart.

Jimmy Bae, the heartless.

It itches like a fresh scab stretching across all the flesh of your insides, thrumming for the moment you reach the end of your rope, thrumming for release.

Jimmy Bae, the real devil.

You take the first faltering step backwards, and the spell he had over you is finally broken. Another shaking step, another, until you turn and run back towards the school, running past a blur of leafless trees and a halted figure, leaving Jimmy alone by the furnace.

Jack unsticks himself from the ground, wrenching around to watch your retreating figure, brows shooting upwards. “What the hell?” He spots Jimmy, a loose smile playing at the corners of his lips. “What did you…?”

Jimmy combs a hand through his hair and shrugs sluggishly.

“What? Don’t tell me you feel bad for them?”

Jack freezes, watching Jimmy. “Fuck,” He mutters, squeezing his eyes shut, harder and harder until he sees stars, sees your silhouette fading into the distance, sees himself telling you to confess. “Fuck!”

He opens then, shooting Jimmy a look that he’s never once in his life had the anger to muster. Jimmy hums, amused, as Jack takes off after you.

He hears the echoes of Jack calling you ringing in his head, ringing in that small enclosure, carrying long and far from the tiny alley leading to the school.

Only when he’s sure that both of you are long gone does he let out another exhale, body uncoiling and falling into itself, crumpling like paper. He pats his hair free of the snow and rubs at his reddened nose, snowflakes falling upon his face, melting instantly. Walking up to the furnace, he warms his hands and pulls the Union jacket closer to his body. Pulls out a cigarette and a lighter.

Click. Click. Click.

“Ah, forget it.”

He pockets the lighter and just lets the cigarette dangle from his lips, crossing his arms over his body, letting the frigid air slow his mind, his pulse.

Jimmy stands there for a long time, until the sun falls below the horizon, until the shadows cast by the trees consume him, all alone. He doesn’t mind. He conditioned himself to be alright with it last year, right before the fight with Ben Park. Right after he saw the way Jack looked back at you.

He takes out his phone, switches it on. The light is blinding for a second, like the sun, then his eyes adjust. About a dozen messages from Kingsley Kwan, a few from Phillip Kim.

Trash to him. Amber eyes search beyond that, swipes a finger to clear notifications.

Jimmy stands there, reveling in the image, basking in the light it sweeps over his face. The last bit of you he had to hold onto, a photo taken earlier last year. Just you, Jack and him sitting around a trashfire in the Yeongduengpo Local Park. Simpler days, easier days.

His eyes drift to your face, then to the arm he had wrapped around your waist. Hears the wind bellow, feels his fingers twitch, colder than ever.

“Hah, shit.”

He shoves the phone into his back pocket, shaking his head and speaking to no one in particular.

“I’m freezing my ass off here, you dense motherfuckers.”

[bxngthedoldrums]

a comprehensive timeline of the best/most tragic lines about mikey way, written by pete wentz on his social media from the mid-2000s pt 1

aka geminis deserve to be punished aka it's finals week and i'm losing grip on reality aka thinking about petekey in 2020 is a crime

[june 28th 2005]

"i love high fives again. totally back in love."

[july 4th 2005]

"hot and miserable but totally in love"

[july 4th 2005]

"i love summer. i am loving this and you and everything. you can't miss me, baby boy, we're doing big things."

[july 12th 2005]

"i only keep myself this sick in the head cause i know how you get off on thse words. baby, ive got it bad for you."

[july 15th 2005]

"think about someone elses hand clumsily on your belt in the dark."

[july 19th 2005]

"wrote you a goodbye note (you just wrote me off) on your arm when you passed out. bestfriends, exfriends- better off as lovers not the other way around." // "the way you hold a cigarette cause you don’t know what to do with your hands when we are sitting this close. the way the waists of pants feel better at the ankles. the way you always were my best excuse for calling in sick on everyone else. i miss you."

[july 21st 2005]

"how else can you have a monster fall in love with a boy with no heart? actually i’m pretty sure you have a heart, but i’m just as certain it’ll never be mine. i can tell you’re willing to be loved somewhere on the inside but that doesn’t do me any good" // "i’m just loose words hanging on the ends of your lips, even looser when i’m anywhere near your hips. poetry written from blistered fingertips and sleep deprived eyes that was better before the ink dried. He said, “I should have stayed with her,” and I should have stayed away." // i don’t tell you my insecurities so you can use them against me, but help me get over them. instead you said and did the worst thing you could do. worse than cheating to me"

[july 24th 2005]

"Sometimes when you're feeling this blue the right smile can save you."

[september 4th 2020]

"you imagine yourself moving deep into the summer and disappearing, and for me it was always with you." // "wake me up. baby boy, you’re gonna be okay. hearts between our knees sticking to the summer sheets." // "your love would be hell but it’s just not hot enough baby."

[september 6th 2005]

"the reason we never told anyone is because we knew the world would ruin it. and at the end of the day it did." // "and you were my home. it didn’t matter what was said when our heads were on the sides of the pillows." // "it so hard to find someone who likes me for me and not because i am pete from fall out boy. and i found them. and then watched it fade. dear world, fuck you."

[november 23rd 2005]

"i said i’d be fine if you gave me a little note or a call once and a while, once a day even, just something to keep hanging onto, but you can’t even do that so yeah… i don’t know."

[december 22nd 2005]

"I love how I thought this was all over and I have to face the same two months replayed for the rest of my life. my head and heart are beating the shit out of me trying to see what hurts worse. kinda like us." // summer wasn’t hot enough but i had hoped winter was gonna be the coolest. i obviously thought wrong. you and me are the last hot day in summer. we’re just fading before the fall."

[february 19th 2006]

"i am in the lobby of a hotel in new york city waiting for something that isn’t ever going to happen."

[may 2006]

"focus on love below the waist. they say your head can be a prison- consider this a conjugal visit."

[june 5th 2006]

"i just wanted to say i miss you or im sorry or you know something that would have meant something to you. i would have made it poetic and memorable or at least something you could laugh at while drifting off to sleep."

[july 7th 2006]

"your eyes were always rolling but youd tilt your head so they were somehow always still stuck on me." // "when i met you i gave you a name- not your own- but in my head so i wouldnt ever mix you up with anyone so ordinary." // "ill see you in the spring. first pew on the left. wear your white veil and dont forget the words. warped tour. sun drenched days. bestfriends."

PART 2

[whosaskingwrites]

The Sound Of Love (Tsukishima x Reader)

A/N: Um I don't like this one as much as the others but I did my best. It honestly took forever cause I didn't want to write it and I had no idea what song to use but I eventually decided so here we are.

WARNINGS: angst

Date: Saturday November 7th, 2020

Details: 5.3 pages 2,000 words

Theme: Musicalia- The victim will hear a song constantly playing in their head until it drives them insane. The person of affection will only hear the music when they are around the victim.

Angst Masterlist

Clair De Lune

A simple, beautiful piano melody that had been repeating in my head for weeks. There was never a reprieve from the beautifully haunting melody. My mind followed the sound like a moth to a flame and deteriorated the closer it got to the music.

No amount of holding my hands over my ears stopped it. It had become a part of me like the backround music in a video game or movie. However this wasn't a video game or a movie this was real. Every day was the same never a rest I couldn't even sleep some nights.

This was my last week at Karasuno before I was put in the hospital. My mind was too far gone to stay out I couldn't really hear anything anymore to distracted by the music and of course I hummed it on occasion. Everyone in my classes knew I had it...Musicalia but they didn't know who caused it.

Monday

I walked to class with a sigh Yamaguchi was following and as we walked I heard a gentle piano melody that got louder. I spotted a familiar H/c haired girl fast walking past me like she'd done since I pushed her away. Yamaguchi followed my eyesight and the music faded the further away she got "you should apologize you know. This week is her last at Karasuno," I blinked 'her last week?' I thought "Shut up Yamaguchi," I said keeping my emotions off my face "Sorry Tsukki," I continued watching the S/c skinned female rush off down the hall.

Tuesday

I was walking up to the roof ready to reject another girl. Why they felt the need to confess to me of all people id never understand. As I rounded the corner someone ran into me and with a short shriek they fell. I was about to say something when I noticed who it was...Y/n she looked paler than I remembered and eye bags were prevalent on her face. I heard the piano again it was louder than ever.

"Do you need to listen to music that loud?" I asked though it was harsher than intended. Her eyes widened and I held back a frown as I saw she was afraid. "S-sorry," she stood up quickly and ran off down the hall the music fading the further she got and I watched 'why was she afraid of me?' My eyes caught something on the floor which I turned to. Picking it up I realized it was a simple gold bracelet with a dinosaur charm on it.

"This is...," It was the bracelet id given her three years ago on her birthday. It was still in perfect condition looking like it did on the day I'd given it to her and it caused a small smile to pull at my lips as I pocketed the familiar bracelet.

Wednesday

Everytime I spotted the e/c eyed female in the hallway and approached her she would turn and run the music following her. Nobody ever seemed bothered by the piano it was almost like they didn't hear it and Y/n was never wearing headphones when it was playing. "Does she ever stop listening to that song?" I mumbled to myself as she ran away yet again.

"What song?" Yamaguchi asked next to me I furrowed my eyebrows as I looked at him. "What do you mean what song? That damn piano music she's always listening to it's annoying," I said and Yamaguchi’s eyes widened "Tsukki...She's not listening to any music...," He stated.

I blinked as I processed what that meant "No ive heard it-," Yamaguchi cut me off before I could continue he had a sad look in his eyes and as he spoke I realized why. "She's got Musicalia Tsukki...," He whispered as he looked at me. "She...She what?" I asked. "She's got Musicalia and if you can hear it that means...," my own eyes widened as I realized what he was implying. "Oh...,"

Thursday

Cornering someone who was avoiding you was much more difficult than you'd think. Everytime I ended up even in the same room as her she ran before I could even get near her. "Yamaguchi," I stated causing him to jump. "Yeah?" He nervously asked. "Can you convince Y/n to meet you on the roof?" I asked. He didn't ask any questions he just nodded mumbling a quiet yeah as the teacher walked in the room.

I stood on the roof looking out towards the gym. I heard footsteps come around the corner and stop before they slowly started backing away. "Can you stop running? I need to talk to you," I said. The footsteps stopped and I turned around. Y/n stood a few feet away nervously shuffling on her feet.

"When were you gonna tell me?" I asked and she sighed "Preferably never," She answered and I furrowed my eyebrows. "Never? This could kill you!" I took a step toward her while she took one back "So what?" She spit bitterly rasing her head up to glare. "So what? So everything!" I shouted.

"So everything? You dont even fucking like me! You made that pretty clear last year!" She yelled back. She was referencing an argument that I barely remembered and that she hadn't forgotten. "Do you even know what its like to have your heart crushed in seconds!?" She screamed. "You still should have told me you have Musicalia!" I glared back. 

She just gave me a bitter smile "I suppose my dear this was how it was meant to be," she stretched her arms out as she spoke and tears dripped down her face at a slow pace. "You dying isn't how it's supposed to be!" She only shook her head in response. I stuck my hand in my pocket and pulled out the bracelet. "Here...just take this back," I said holding it out. She walked forward and I heard that gentle and haunting music get louder.

She stopped closing my hand around the bracelet and leaning up to press a kiss against my cheek. "Keep it I won't have a use for it much longer," she mumbled before turning and walking off. "Y/n!" She stopped but didn't turn around and I continued speaking. "I love you," she sighed and turned her head. The sunset cast her in an ethereal glow and sparkled off the remaining tears on her face.

She gave a sad, watery smile in response. "No you don't Tsukki. If you did...You would have come back to me a lot sooner," she turned and left I knew she was right but god it hurt to hear her say that. My hand was still tightly closed around the bracelet the metal uncomfortably warm against my skin as she walked away from me.

Friday

She avoided me even more. I never saw her but I heard the music following around on occasion. After yesterday I had looked for the melody finally hearing it long enough to search for it. The results had told me the song was Clair De Lune I should have known. It was Y/n's favorite song though I doubted she liked it now.

I had tried to find her when I heard the music but even if I followed it I never found her. I was walking toward my locker keeping an ear out for that melody. As I opened the locker a f/c envelope fell out as I picked it up I noticed it was sealed with a gold wax stamp. Flipping it over my name was written on the front in flowing cursive. I put it away in my bag before heading to practice.

I flipped the envelope around in my hand staring at it before sighing. I pulled open the envelope and slipped the contents out. The first was a photo of me, Y/n, and Yamaguchi we were standing in the park in the photo. Y/n and Yamaguchi had their arms over eachothers shoulders while I stood in the background glaring towards the camera.

The other thing was a letter that I was hesitant to flip open. I knew the letter was from Y/n but I for the first time felt afraid on what she had to say. Sighing I opened the letter ready to read it.

Dear Kei,

It's been awhile hasn't it? Though That's what happens after fights. You give each other time to calm down and then you come back. Only this time...There is no coming back. You already know I have Musicalia and I'm sure you know I love you. It's weird to write that to someone you know doesn't love you.

Don't lie either. You don't love me the way I love you. You may think you do but if you had we would have been friends again by now. But you were perfectly content with not having me in your life so I know you'll be fine when I'm actually gone.

That's the issue isn't it? I'll be gone soon really, truly...gone. I'm not afraid knowing my death is approaching im...content and at peace with it. My death won't be glorious. I'm not going out with a bang. Or any final inspirational words. I'll go quietly in my sleep hopefully. Sleep however is hard when there's music constantly playing on loop in your head.

When I'm gone Kei...Will you visit me? Tell me about your day or the volleyball team! Yamaguchi told me about the team you should go easier on them. You should also learn from them you know? Anyways if you ever can't make it to me...Play Clair De Lune and I'll go to you! I'll listen to you talk at your place instead of you coming to mine!

I'm sure you know by now that this is my goodbye letter. Don't act so suprised of course I want to say goodbye to you. You're important to me you should know that. I've written this for awhile but I wanted it to be a good final goodbye since its immortalized forever in a letter. If you share this with anyone I'll kill you by the way. Even in death I still have a reputation. Anyway...

Goodbye Kei

I love you

—Y/n L/n

A month had passed since she said goodbye I moved forward even though it hurt to not see her around school. It almost felt like she moved but that imagine was ruined whenever I visited her grave. "Hey Tsukki I didn't know you liked dinosaurs!" I sighed in irritation my eyes flicking towards Kuroo who was pointing at my wrist.

"Wow that's cool!" Bokuto joined in and my eyes drifted to the golden bracelet around my wrist. "It's not mine," I stated drinking my water. "Whos is it?" Akaashi asked and I sighed again. "My friend Y/n’s...She's gone now and I'd rather not talk about it," I said standing up and heading back to the net. None of them said anything more about it and I was grateful for that.

Later that night I closed my eyes and played the song that I had grown very familiar with. It was quiet except for the soft melody playing through my headphones. While my eyes were closed I felt the familiar pressure on my body like someone was laying on my chest. If I listened through my headphones close enough I could almost hear her soft voice humming the song. 

I knew in my brain it was impossible but for now I let my heart believe that it was her. I talked quietly about anything and everything that came to mind. The team was sleeping so I knew I could talk freely most of them slept like they were in a coma. I sighed as I reached the end of my story before I spoke once more.

"I miss you Y/n,"

————————————————————————

TAGLIST: @wonhomarshmallow

[milfjensenackles]

love, dean

1.3k words | read it on ao3

Sam suggests that Dean try journaling after losing Cas. Dean starts writing letters to Cas.

November 30, 2020

Sam told me I should try journaling, so here we are. Still seems like stupid hippie crap to me, but I promised him I’d write something down. He says that after everything we’ve been through, with defeating God and all that, it might be therapeutic to write down my thoughts. So here are my thoughts: journaling is stupid.

December 1, 2020

What am I even supposed to write in here? My feelings? I ain’t got any of those. That’s Sam stuff. Fuck this. Fuck everything. Cas is gone, Jack is gone, and Sam thinks it’ll get better if I jot down some notes? Whatever.

December 7, 2020

I want to drink, but I know Cas wouldn’t like it if I went down that rabbit hole again. So I’m writing down my ‘feelings’ instead. I’m doing this for Cas, though. Not my annoying little brother. I haven’t told anyone this, but Sam keeps asking what happened when Cas was taken by the Empty. He saved me. Cas made a deal with the Empty without telling me. That stupid bastard. He should’ve told me. We could have saved him. He said that the Empty would only take him if he experienced ‘a moment of true happiness’. Cas said that I made him care about the rest of the world. Me, of all people. I don’t know what he sees saw in me. I remember feeling like something was wrong. I knew something was wrong because Cas never cries, and he was really putting on the waterworks at this point. And then Cas told me I can’t write that down. That would make it real.

Maybe I’ll use this notebook to write what I would say to Cas if he was still here. Yeah. That’ll be good.

December 11, 2020

Cas,

Today Jack came to visit. He’s been working real hard lately. Being God has to be a tough job, huh? Good thing you we raised him so well. I can tell he misses you. Sam brought up the time we all watched a few episodes of Riverdale with Jack and you couldn’t understand why high schoolers had gotten involved with an organ harvesting cult. To be fair, I don’t get it either. Should we even be letting a 3-year-old watch that show? I wish you were here to answer that question. I don’t know to be a good parent. It always came to you so naturally. We all miss you. I miss you.

Dean

December 15, 2020

Dear Cas,

I adopted a dog. Her name is Miracle. I think you’d love her. She’s a shaggy little thing who loves to snuggle. Sam and Eileen are doing well. I think they might move out of the bunker soon. I’m happy for them, I am. I just don’t want to be all alone in this huge bunker. I don’t know what else to say. If you were here I wouldn’t have to worry about being alone.

Dean

December 25, 2020

Merry Christmas, Cas.

December 31, 2020

Hey Cas,

I’ve been thinking a lot about what you said before you died left. I don’t know how to be the man you thought I was. It’s gonna be a new year though. New year, new me, right? If you were here you’d probably say something about how time doesn’t change anything or whatever.  I don’t I want I have no idea how to start this new year without you. I want to stay in 2020 forever, because at least then I could say that I saw you this year. The more time goes by, the more I feel like I’m getting further away from you. It scares me. I don’t want to forget about you. You were are my best friend.

Happy New Year, Cas.

Dean

January 5, 2020

Cas,

I’m so fucking pissed at you. How dare you tell me you love me and then go and die on me? I didn’t ask you to sacrifice yourself for me. I didn’t ask for any of this. You said, ‘happiness is in just saying it’, but what if I’m not happy with just saying it? What if I want to have? You said you couldn’t have me, Cas, but you didn’t even ask. You never asked. You should have asked.

Love, Dean

January 10, 2020

Cas,

I think I’m in love with you.

Dean

January 11, 2021

Hey Cas,

I’ve never understood all of these feelings until now. Maybe journaling is actually good for something. Don’t tell Sammy I said that. Writing that message to you yesterday was like chewing on glass. I don’t know why I’m like this. I don’t know why I couldn’t tell you while you were still here. I think I’ve loved you for longer than I’ve known. Maybe since Purgatory. Maybe before that. I don’t know. I feel like I don’t know anything anymore. One second you were here, and now you’re gone, and I have nowhere to put all of this. I loved love you, Cas. I just wish I hadn’t been too late.

Love, Dean

January 15, 2021

Cas,

I told Sam. About your sacrifice, about what you said, about my feelings. He seemed sad and happy at the same time. I told him I like you the same way I like women. Sam said that means I’m bisexual. He was really cool about it. I’m not sure I’m ready to put a label on it, though. I just want to be myself. And I know that I’m the best version of myself when I was am with you.

Love, Dean

January 16, 2021

Cas,

I am a bisexual man. And I’m in love with my dead best friend. There, I said it. Ya happy? I’m talking to a piece of paper. I’m going crazy.

Love, Dean

January 24, 2021

Cas,

Jody and the girls stopped by for my birthday. Claire and Kaia are doing really well. Jack was so excited to see them. It was nice to see him act like a kid for once. He’s got so much pressure on him right now. Claire called me an old man, which I guess is true now, huh. 42 years old. I never thought I’d make it this far. It seems unfair that life keeps moving on without you. We should’ve had the chance to grow old together, Cas.

Love, Dean

January 27, 2021

Cas,

I gotta find you, man. There’s gotta be a way. Sam’s been doing research on the Empty to figure something out but it’s driving me crazy that I can’t do more. I just want you to know that I’m not giving up. If you were here, you’d be able to help us think of a plan. But you’re not here.

Love, Dean

January 30, 2021

Cas,

We figured out a way to get to the Empty. I’m going alone. Sam is going to wait at the bunker to make sure the portal stays open long enough for me to find you. I didn’t tell Sam this, but I have no idea if I’ll make it out alive. I know I won’t come back without you, even if it means I have to stay there forever. I’d give everything just to make sure you know how much you mean to me. Hopefully, I’ll see you soon.

Love, Dean

February 14, 2021

Hey Cas,

You’re back. I got you back. I got to hold you in my arms for the first time in so long. It doesn’t even feel real. I missed you so much. I can tell there’s something going on between us, though. I think you’re waiting for me to say it first. You know I’m no good with words, which is why I’ve decided that I’m going to let you read these letters I wrote to you. So, Cas. I love you. So much. I’m sorry it took us so long to get here. Never leave me again.

Love, Dean

February 14, 2021

Dean,

I love you too.

Love, Cas

[roniscloud]

jsb - 302

jung subin [f. 1577 words] 302 

from the day you moved into your new apartment, you couldn’t help but notice the cute tenant across the hall from you. you first saw him when you were bringing in the last round of boxes. you left a box in the frame of the door so you wouldn’t get locked out. with the final one, you joyfully kicked open the entry and practically dropped the items from your arms, ready to be done with unloading from your cramped car. standing in the doorway, looking into the quaint one-bedroom loft, you realize you now need to unpack and organize everything. you thought about a game plan, opting to get some food before starting. you turn your head to look to the hall outside, catching a glimpse of someone entering the apartment on the other side. 

you’ve never properly met him. hell, you don’t even know his name, only referring to him as 302—the brass number adorning his wooden door. yet, you know he always gets subway for lunch every tuesday, take-out from the ramen bistro down the street every friday, and goes to dinner with his friends every other saturday night. you know he has two pets, a cat and a dog. you know that he likes to go on early morning walks on sundays if the weather is nice and that he usually leaves, for what you assume would be work, at 7:30 am sharp. even with all of the trivial things you know about him, you somehow still had no idea what his name was. funny how that works.

little to your knowledge, subin—the nameless next-door neighbor—thought the same thing. he thought it was hysterical that he didn’t know his new neighbor’s identity—opting for the nickname, 303—but somehow knew that they were a night-owl who loved ordering a large pizza every thursday and strictly bought groceries on the second sunday of each month.

it wasn’t until about almost 4 months of you living in that loft till you crossed paths. it was bound to happen, right? you found yourself entering the building after a long day, on the phone with a close friend. you aimlessly press the button for the elevator, not looking up and waiting for the doors to open. a presence is made on your right, but you pay no attention, too caught up in your conversation, too busy to notice that it’s subin. your friend is rambling on and on about your favorite k-drama, “one spring night”.

“i get that, but hear me out. jeongin’s sister should just leave him already. she deserves better and there is no way that deadbeat jackass would be a good father, not like jiho is for his son.” your quarrel catching the attention of subin. “what do you mean by that? jiho sacrificed everything because eunwoo’s mom is no longer in the picture. even if he can’t be there 24/7, he still gives his all for his son.”

your argument continues till you reach your door. you nestle your phone onto your shoulder, sandwiching it there with the side of your head. you reach into your bag to pull out your keys. “yeah, whatever. i’m home anyways. i’ll talk to you later. i need to order some food, i’m starving.” a light chuckle comes from you with the last words. you exchange goodbyes, hanging up the call. you turn the key and open the door. you’re interrupted with a small voice behind you.

“excuse me… were you possibly talking about ‘one spring night’? i didn’t mean to eavesdrop, i just really love that show.” bright eyes and an even brighter smile are what your eyes see as you turn to answer. 

you blink a few times and swallow. this is it. this is him. you stumble to find the words, “oh… uh… yeah. my friend and i are both watching it and i guess… we’re just really passionate about it.”

“i mean it is really good, hard to stop watching.” this time he’s the one laughing. his voice resonating in your ears like honey, his giggle being oh so sweet. “now that i think about it, i’m pretty sure we’ve never actually met. i’m subin.”

you introduce yourself. not knowing what else to say other than your name and that it was nice to finally meet him. he shyly apologizes for never approaching you and not giving you a proper welcome to the complex. you tell him that it’s fine and that there’s no reason to worry. 

after that night, you seem to always see each other, always flashing a polite grin to one another. sometimes, you’ll stop in the hallway to dish about the newest show you both are hooked on. until one day, he notices you go to work like every morning, but you’re not back by your typical time. you haven’t formally addressed each other as friends yet, but it comes like second-nature to him to feel anxious. he paces back and forth in his kitchen, checking the peephole everytime he hears the faintest of noises in the hall. you usually get home at 5:37, pushing 6:21 if you decide to get dinner on the way. it’s almost quarter to ten when he hears keys jangling. his neck whips around immediately, not even checking if it’s you, just rushing to open the door. “where have you been?” the worry way too evident in his tone.

“oh… were you waiting for me? i’m sorry if i worried you. i had a dinner with someone, you know how that goes. blind date.” you roll your eyes at the mention of your coworker’s doing.

he sighs loudly. “how’d it go?”

“he was… nice, not sure i see myself dating him, but hey… it’s only the first date.”

“so, there’s going to be a second?”

“maybe, still not sure. we don’t really click.”

“well, you never know. people can surprise you. i should probably head back inside. have a goodnight.”

“you too…”

from then, your coworker keeps setting you up with other people. unfortunately, no one ever being a good match. by the fifth? sixth one? who knows at this point? you’re pretty much done with these stupid outings, but you’re not one to say no to a friend who’s trying to do a favor. you grab the last of your things as you make your way out. not even stepping all the way into the hallway are you met with subin’s voice.

“again, seriously?”

“you know me… how am i supposed to turn it down?”

“by saying that you’d rather not go on a date, by saying you’re not looking for a relationship right now, by telling your friend that maybe you’d rather find someone on your own…” he states in a teasing tone. “why go on another shitty date when you can spend the night with me, binge-watching our favorite tv shows and drinking cheap beer?”

“at this point, i’d consider that the best idea anyone has ever had. i’ll text them saying an emergency came up and that i can’t make it.” he opens his door wider to let you in.

an hour and a half later, you find yourself slightly buzzed and on the fourth episode of a new drama. “boo, can they stop pining over each other and kiss already?”

“subin, calm down. they literally just started getting close.”

“but- but they-”

“i know, i know. i want them to get together already too, but we have to wait.” you turn your attention back to the screen situated higher up on the wall. “look, they’re at least sitting closer now. before they couldn’t even hold eye contact for two seconds.” he’s quiet, not trying to refute your observation. “subin? are you even watching?” your gaze meets his. “hello? earth to jung subin. i asked if you were watching…”

“you remember the night we met? what you were talking about? how you said the sister deserved better than the jackass? well, you do too. you deserve better than those guys.”

“how much did you drink? i think you might want to slow down on those beers.” you laugh at his expression, the smile not leaving your lips.

 “please, stop smiling at me like that. i’m not sure what will happen if you keep doing that.”

“alright, now i’m sure you drank too much.” you’re flustered at how straightforward he is. “i think it’s time i go.”

“wait, no. look, i’m sorry. i wasn’t thinking. i just- i really do think you deserve better.”

“and who and where is exactly is better?”

“me. right now, whenever.”

your jaw drops. did subin just confess? did your heart just skip a beat? is he telling the truth or is it just the alcohol and mood talking? “tell me that again when you’re sober. for now, i’m leaving. i’ll see you in the morning.” 

you’re woken up with your phone ringing. you see the contact, 302, appear. your groggy morning voice answers. you hear subin ask you to come out. you reach your entryway, opening it to see a wide-awake neighbor. “you deserve better.”

“huh… so you weren’t kidding?”

“nope.” he nods his head firmly, pouting his lips. 

“well… if you really think that, let me go back to sleep. you can come in, maybe cuddle, who knows? i just need sleep.” he follows you in, reaching his hand down to hold yours and bring it up to kiss the back of it.

originally written: 26 november 2020

[nctinfo]

[TRANS] Chenle & Jisung’s interview with ELLE June 2020 issue!

It's the first time for Chenle and Jisung to do a magazine shoot together. Both of you seemed to have given your fans spoilers ahead of the shoot. Jisung: Really, the time went by so fast. Rather than a shoot, it felt more like I was just playing around with Chenle. Chenle: <ELLE> is a magazine known by many people. I've known it since long-ago too. So I was even more excited about the shoot. Jisung: Me too! Ah, but how old is <ELLE>? 28th anniversary this year? Wow...

We are much older than you two, aren't we? Is this year your 5th summer together? Jisung: We've known each other since 2016, so yes, that's right. Chenle: We should stop seeing each other (laughs).

Although you get along as friends [same-aged friends], Chenle is in fact born in November 2001. He is one year older than Jisung who was born in February 2002. What was the reason to become friends [to drop formalities]? Chenle: Our birthdays are only two and a half months apart, and since we get along so well, I felt like there was no need for formalities [a hyung/dongsaeng relationship]. Of course, I regret having made that decision now. I mean it. (laughs). Jisung: I jokingly said, "Can't we just be friends?" but he took it seriously. Thanks to this, we can now comfortably talk with each other like this. Chenle: It's definitely more comfortable. In Shanghai, where I grew up, we don't mind much if there's a one or two year difference. And since the NCT team has a lot of members from overseas, the atmosphere is a bit more open. 

Still, it must have felt weird to see your friend Chenle become a legal adult a year earlier than you. Jisung: I've seen the older members of NCT DREAM become adults one after another so I felt relatively indifferent. It's not like people suddenly change when they turn 20 years old. But, since we all debuted as teenagers, it is kinda weird that I'm the only minor left now.

How did the YouTube content 'ChenJi's This and That', that you two do together, start? Jisung calls it 'JiChen's That and This'. Jisung: Thank you for acknowledging it (laughs). It started from the thought that it would be great to make content that uses the advantage of us two who are like real friends. We make gifts for the members, stack dominoes, and also make menus that are popular on SNS Chenle: Although we also bring up ideas here and there, the staff ideas are always more fun. Ah, it was our idea to visit my home in Shanghai.

Chenle went to a lot of rides alone at the amusement park right. Chenle: He says he is too scared to go on rides that are hard, but thinks rides that are easy are lame. Isn't it really funny? Jisung: The easy ones don't look cool (laughs).

You just finished the promotions of your 4th mini album <Reload>. You have achieved many good results such as ranking first in the domestic music chart and music shows, ranking first on iTunes in 51 countries, and selling over 500k albums. How do you feel looking back? Jisung: I always have regrets whenever we finish promotions. Even though I have worked hard and had fun, when I look back, I feel like I could do better? Chenle: I'm completely the opposite. When the album promotions finish, I think 'It was really fun this time again, I'm satisfied!' I think especially for 'Ridin'' the stage was very exciting, and it was even better because I had fun with the members.

'Beyond Live', a live-streamed concert and video call fan signings are promotions that were not imaginable last year. Jisung: I'm glad that we can do something, but it's a shame we can't meet the fans in person. Chenle: It was a new and very exciting experience. Although it was through a video, you could clearly hear the voices and see the faces of the fans like this.

You also performed solo stages on ‘Beyond Live’ Chenle: I prepared our song 'Best Friend' on the piano, but the staff made the stage really cool. On the stage the moon was floating over the sea, it was very pretty and I'm really grateful and satisfied Jisung: I danced but I don't think it was to the extent of 'Awesome~ I did a great job!'.

With you two being the youngest out of NCT’s teenage team NCT DREAM, your growth is bound to be the most impactful. You must be surprised when you watch videos of when you just debuted. Chenle: Actually, as soon as we met today, Jisung had watched an old video of mine and said 'You were so cute back then but why are you like this now?'. Jisung: It was videos of him during promotion interviews for our debut song 'Chewing Gum' and 'My First and Last', and he was so cute. It was also when Chenle hadn't been in Korea for that long yet so he was still bad at speaking. Chenle: I couldn't watch the videos at that time. Still, when I look at the other members, I think everyone was so young and cute.

I heard that Jisung played a significant role in the fast improvement of Chenle's Korean. Jisung: Yes I was Chenle: I admit he helped. Although it's a problem that my weird Korean skills are also improving (laughs).

You have done TV shows and stood on stages before debuting at 15 and 16 years old. When did you feel like this is something you're good at and wanted to do something music-related? Chenle: I love to sing, so I released my first album when I was 7 years old. However, at that time, I thought it was a hobby and an experience rather than thinking of wanting to be a singer. After coming to Korea, I knew for certain that this was the path I wanted to take. Jisung: Rather than realizing it at some point, I think the expression 'right now' is right. While watching sunbaes at SM, my desire to be like that grew and I've come here doing what I wanted to do.

For broadcasts or special stages, Jisung has danced with the hyungs of SM's 'Dance Line' such as Super Junior Eunhyuck, SHINee Taemin, and EXO Kai. Jisung: They are really good at dancing and have a lot of experience on stage so it's really helpful when they watch me dance and talk to me [about it]. It felt like I was taking years of dance lessons all at once. Chenle: For me, I learn quickly thanks to Jisung. These days, Jisung is working hard on learning how to sing so I try to help a little too. I would say things like "I think this would be better?'. Jisung: Don't you tease me when I sing though. Chenle: Me? No, not me.

What song would you like to perform if you were to do an NCT stage together? Chenle: Since there are two of us, how about NCT U's 'Baby Don't Stop'? that Taeyong and Ten hyung did together. Jisung: Uhm, that's kind of a sexy song, don't you think we should do that in a few years? For me, I would like to do NCT U's 'Without You'. I think it's a good song to sing for us together.

NCT DREAM members have often said they still lack the skills and think they can do better. Where does that ambition come from? Chenle: There are times when I feel like I'm not good enough when I watch a video clip [of myself]. Other people might not see a big difference, but I do. In that case, I really concentrate and work hard. Jisung: I think everyone has that kind of desire because we debuted at a young age. When I watch the stage of the sunbaes, I feel like that even more.

How does it feel to be the youngest in a big group called NCT? Chenle: It's so good! Originally, I'm the type to prefer when it’s crowded. It's also fun to chat and play together when we practice. Jisung: I don't have a lot of friends from school. [NCT] is like a replacement for those relationships so I feel reassured. It feels like I have a bunch of people or hyungs who are close to me. Though the dinner costs are enormous (laughs).

What's the reason that two people with different personalities can be good friends and teammates? Jisung: Oh, now that I think about it it's really interesting. We're really the opposite Chenle: I think we get along so well because we are so different. The thing we have in common the most is that we like to play around with each other? And we're the noisiest. My voice is loud and Jisung talks a lot. A while ago he was talking to himself in the car while watching the night view. It's really funny to see it from the side Jisung: If you say it like that it makes me seem kinda weird, doesn't it? (laughs) I love to fantasize. What would I say if I were to go on a program like that? I think I was playing around while thinking about those kinds of things.

Are there any aspects of your friend that you want to be more known? Jisung: There are a lot of people who think of Chenle as a bright mischievous boy with a lot of laughter, but he also has a lot of serious conversations with me. He also has a lot of ambition. Unlike the introverted me, he is cool and outgoing so I learn a lot of things through Chenle. He is much cooler than he looks. Chenle: I'm a chic person (laughs). Jisung is the type of person who worries a lot about himself, and he is also evenly worried about the members' concerns. After taking care of this and that he proudly says 'Ah, why do I look like a leader'.

There are many adults and role models around you. Since you achieved your dream of debuting early, you must be worried about growing up well. Chenle: Instead of following someone with the burden of having to grow, I want to grow up naturally while keeping what I want to protect. I can learn good things and keep regretful things to consult, but I think my own standards are important. Jisung: When I first made my debut, I wanted to be a good adult and a good influence, and I still feel the same now. Sometimes I feel sorry for someone's behavior or words, but I don’t think that anyone can be perfect. Regardless, I try to absorb the good and positive aspects only.

When do you feel like you've grown? Jisung: When I have serious conversations with Chenle and the hyungs. The spectrum of the conversations has widened. I also think I have grown when I'm able to objectively look at myself without being too biased. Chenle: When you're going through puberty, you don't know that you're going through puberty. If you think you're grown up, I think it's because you're still young. I think you've grown up when you can admit to your shortcomings and immaturity.

How will the summer be for you this time? Chenle: First of all, Jisung will have 6 ice creams all at once. Jisung: (Back then) I had them throughout the day!

Translation: Esmee @ FY! NCT (NCTINFO) | Source: ELLE Scans — Do not repost or take out without our permission!