#so right now let me be selfish and angry and grieving

[joanofexys]

because i’ve somehow already gotten shit for this, please, for the love of god, do not harass me abt posting about palestine, congo, sudan, haiti, etc. I have been and will continue to talk about them on my platform. But my state just became potentially deadly for me to live in. And because of my dad’s vote my house is also unsafe. And I have no money and nowhere to go. For some reason me posting about this and my fear on other platforms has to led to a lot of comments about how it’s my fault because i didn’t vote third party (read: Jill Stein) to stop a genocide (Jill Stein is a zionist btw) and it’s what I deserve for living in a red state. Right now I’m scrambling to figure out how much longer I’ll have access to birth control in my state. How many more anti-queer laws are gonna roll out that could get me killed and will kill so many other queer people. We have large indigenous communities in my state whose rights and right to their land were directly threatened by this election on both national and local levels. I don’t want to hear shit anymore about how I’m not doing enough or how my focus needs to be elsewhere when I’m trying to keep myself and my community alive. So kindly shut the fuck up if you think i’m not active enough or doing enough for you.

[romaevelizz]

Fruits

Aemond Targaryen x blk!cousin!reader

Sum: He wasn’t the same person she remembered how could he do that to her

warnings: death, cursing, child loss, angst, hurt comfort. Not proofread

p.2 of my little love

“You can’t just storm Dragon stone!” Aemond told her watching as his wife readied in her riding clothes. The dark fabrics coving her as her handmaidens tightend her clothes.

The princess had only been abed for two days she was in no condition to go hunt her father. By all means did Aemond himself not want Deamon Targaryen dead, but it couldn’t happen now. even he knew that. But he saw her eyes, the once kind eyes he craved admiration from, they were dark. They were dead, angry. His foot steps heavy as he walked up behind her him shooing the maids, his own hands holding her corset ties. His eye met here through the mirror, “I’m going with.” He spoke.

“I will not have my wife who’s still healing herself go and die because of her lack of mind.”

She only scoffed “Our daughter, our Unborn daughter is dead and all you can think about is me in the wrong state of mind? Right shame on me.” She spoke her words filled with venom.

Turning around she faced him his hands quickly held her shoulders “ Because you are here, you’re all I have left. Apologizes tis you finding selfish of me to not want you to die, they only women I’ll love the only women who’s looks at me like I’m not some endless burden or disappointment. You tis always been you that’s had faith in me.” He spoke his voice becoming shaken.

Her brows frowned under his touch they way he shakes softly. she was filled with rage and now it was staring to spill out on him, her husband. Her mouth opened slightly to say something but she didn’t. Her hand held his face, Aemond melting under her as she did. Her eyes meeting his, a million words could be said with the way they looked upon one another. He was grieving to but she had been blinded by her own, her own rage to even think to comfort him.

His head fell onto her shoulder a quiet sob leaving Aemonds lips as he held her still. “I’m sorry dear wife, I couldn’t protect you or our children, what kind of man..- what kind of Husband does that make of me. I’m so sorry my sweet girl..” The Old Valyrian spilling of his tongue as He weeped quietly into her shoulder.

Her hand trembled has the tangled in his hair holding his close as he consumed her in his arms her soft hushes soothing him gently, “Tis not your fault..”

She pulled his face back her handholding him carefully “But this is something I can only do, they see you or Vhagar you’ll be killed immediately. My father is a week man tis why those men did a job he couldn’t stomach. My father is deemed to have no fears but it’s me, well my mother. And if there’s something he’s always reminded me that I’m just as her.” The Princess spoke holding her husbands face.

He wouldn’t kill her.

He couldn’t kill her.. he was a coward..

Climbing upon cannibal the Large dragon letting out a hyena like giggle, he knew what is to come, he’d be eating today. His menacing giggles caused his whole body to shutter. He could feel her grief her anger. He knew what he was to do. But he’d only do if told perhaps he’d be eating more than once today. Cannibal knew they were going out to kill, for the little princess was now dead, he could feel Y/ns heart break that night the pain she went through, mercy to the pit keepers. The princess let her hand touch his dark scales taking a deep breath “Shall the gods have pitty on them my sweet boy, but not even the gods can save Deamon Targaryen.” She finished patting him letting him know to take off.

His wings thumped like thunder as they enters they skies. Y/ns mind becoming clouded with memories as she closed her eyes, the birth of her child. How her daughter would cling on to Aemond the small child sharing the Targaryen features but her skin dark as hers. How her small giggles echoed through the halls as she played with her cousins, the throaty laughes as Her and Aemond kissed on her. How gentle both their dragons where with the little princess, Cannibal nugging her causing her to fall back only for the lady of dragons herself to grumble at the old man. But none the less did she laugh always a bright bright girl. A girls who light was cut to soon form this world. Her eyes slowly opened, Cannibal glancing back at her his green eyes telling her that this will be done. 

She wanted her arrival to be known as by gods it was, Cannibals scream shaking the whole castle.

“The Hell was that?” Jace spoke his eyes wide.

Rhaenyras eyes looked up lazily at her son but quickly shifted to her husband. “She’s here.”

“Who’s here” Baela spoke looking up at her.

“Your sister.” Rhaenys spook smiling as her granddaughter.

Rhaenyra knew what had happen. Only her, her husband didn’t know that he had killed his granddaughter but soon he will. She knew Y/n was here to kill him and she’d had enough to say to try to persuade her not to but never did she think she wouldn’t to stop her. “Let her in with a warm welcome.” Perhaps she’d make an example.

The smile that lingers on Daemon’s face would fall immediately as he went to greet his eldest daughter, her face tierd and dark. And as soon as she pulled that blade. The guards will go to stop her only for Rhaenyra to tell them to stop. “Angle what is the meaning of this.” Deamon said as she held the dagger to his throat.

“Those men you sent.” She said.

Daemon eyes widened, no.

“Men he sent Grandaughter what are you talking about?” Rhaenys spoke trying to pray the life away fro. daemons neck.

“The men he sent to kill my daughter. A son for a son, but there was no son so a daughter shall do they said just as they slit her throat open.” Y/n said her words breaking as she dug the dagger deeper into Deamons throat.

Rhaenys, no everyone went quiet. The silence in the room only the soft cried of the princess could be heard. Soon as scream of a dragon, no just one Caraxes, the poor thing being torn apart by Cannibal shame the loss of a dragon had to be noticed but shame on her to leave something he loved so dearly something so devoted to him alive.

Rhaenyra spoke up quickly “There’s no need to have your beast feed on the dragons!”

“He’ll eat his fill, besides my grandmothers and Sisters dragons any dragon in the pit that challenges him will be devoured if he wishes. Tis rude not to feast and a reunion,no your grace?” The princess said cutting Rhaenyra off.

The quick voices of the boys and guards as they told there other to just kill her. That there is more of them than her. “The Devil has entered your house my queen yet you let her hunt and tarnish is as she’s her she’s unwelcome.” Ser Erryk spoke up.

“What your tongue” Daemon quick to shot the guard down. Even now in this moment he seeks to protect his daughter, the same one that holds a knife to his throat.

A fast hit to the face caused the Prince to fall down. Daemon held his face never lifting it to look her in the eye “be great full they’re my sisters, or I’d take a daughter from you, secretly I hope they killed me just to watch a movie over my body as your wife told you what you did. Because your a coward, who kills babes.” She spoke in a hushed tone the floors of the castle shaking could be fell under their feet cannibals eating he was getting his fill, even through the quiet halls of the DragonStone castle they could hear his giggles the menacing giggles from Cannibal as he feasted on Caraxes.

“I’m sorry my Angel, kill me.” He spoke the undertone of begging could be herd.

No he didn’t get to beg to be killed. She grit her teeth as she clenched her fist, falling to her father she hit him over and over. Just as he taught her putting every punch into her body. “You killed her and yet you beg of me to kill you, as I stood there dagger to my face begging for her daughters life!” She screamed. Now both her hand ps came of her head fist closed as the continued, blood from her father now on her hands. The muffled screams around her being blurred by her own “How dare you!”

“Not only did you take My living child from me but my unborn!” She cried, Daemonds blood now splattering on her face, her cheats heavy. Her body would soon give out on her.

Her chest raising and lowering quickly as she grabbed his collar pulling him up slamming his body back into the stone under him “How fucking dare you,” she cried. she couldn’t hear what her father was saying nothing but plebes of how sorry he was that it want ment to turn out like this. He didn’t fight back, he didn’t want to he hoped he’d kill her. He knew she wasn’t listing to his pleas of forgiveness becaus it was damming of him to think that she ever could.

But oh his sweet girl, his first born how he’s hurt her. he’s never dream of it yet he did how could he. how dare he make her cry like this.

“Your pathetic, truly and pathetic boy.” She hissed her face close to her fathers bloody one. He only muttered unheard to her.

“Speak up you son ova bitch!” She screamed.

“I know my sweet Angel,” he coughed.

She should’ve slit this throat right. But that’s just as he wanted.

“I hope the image of my mother in me hunts you, I hope she haunts you and well as your granddaughter, I hope they both hate you. Gods know mother would.” She whispered her words dark and full of hate.

Daemon only nodded, once more she slammed his head into the stone under him before getting up.

Y/n didn’t look up but she felt her grandmothers hands offering g a comforting touch she didn’t deny “I spared your husband, I trust you’ll do the same only the death of my daughter was no accident as Lucerys death was. For dragons got out of hand and Shame on my husband for letting his anger get the best of him, but your sons continued and continued to push, and dragons we thought of challenged against one another when your sons blew fire into Vhagrs face. Be thank full I don’t take Aegons life as a life of my unborn was takes as well.” She spoke t words Rhaenyra, Rhaenyra holding her son close to her.

Y/n looked up as her their eyes locking “ My the Gods be with you all in this war, My Queen.”

Looking away she kissed her grandmothers face moving past to her sisters, her bloody hand holding there faces and she kissed their foreheads “ I love you, you know how to get to me.” She whispered to the twins.

With that she lefts, and lucky them Cannibal only ate Caraxes. Cannibal looked up his large tail wagging like a dog as she walked in the devilish giggles as he stood up.

“Hmmm did you eat well pretty boy? Yes? Good now we must return to my husband, and your old lady, let’s go.”

“My lady are you all right? You’re covered in blood..” One of the maidens spoke her voice nervous.

She hummed “Ready me a bath, let my husband know I’m home and I seek his presents.” She spoke taking of her gloves her voice stale.

With a quick nod the did just that, soon she’d meet her two guards “Princess. Did you.”

“No, be begged to be killed so I kept him alive to let this hunt him forever, not even in death will he escaped this curse.” She spoke continuing to walk the two men following behind her and she loosened her clothes.

“You plan do undress in the halls m’ lady.” Maliki asks a small chuckle behind his words.

“Have some respect.” Khalil hit him.

The twins bickering always brought a smile to her face. “Stand by let Aemond in when he arrives.” She spoke softly entering her bed chambers.

“Yes princess.”

She looked at herself in the mirror the blood that covered her hands and face was gross, pealing the leather of her riding clothes of was uncomfortable to say the least she was exhausted. Allshe wanted us to touch of her husband, his large gentle hands holding her body close. That’s all she asked for. “ my lady your crying..” a handmaiden spoke gently.

“Ah tis nothing Marcie..” she said, the sound of her doors opening caused her to wipe your tears quickly her body turning towards the door.

“It’s prince Aemond my Princess.”

“Your all dismissed,” Aemonds eyes watched her shoo her ladies away.

He didn’t say anything not with words any how. His gaze offered a gentle look to her ”I didn’t,” Aemonds brows frowned “ahh! no don’t look at me with pitty.” She hissed.

“I didn’t kill him because he asked me to kill him, I’m making him love with this pain…” she said looking at her husband “you should’ve seen how he weeped..”

Aemond nodded “turn.” She did as told.

Aemond was gentle as he took her clothes off “You did good my dear.” He mumbled lips kissing her warm skin. His hands grazing her body.

“Join me” she whispered turning. Her body bare as she presented herself to him. Maybe it was the blood on her body that mad him so… eager to join her. His body swiftly moving behind her as her pulled her against him.

Aemonds lips kissed on her shoulders his hands touching her as they pleased, them holding her breast gently holding them with care as she hummed small moans. One would think he was trying to breed her again, no not he just wanted to cherish his sweet girl, to touch her as she liked. Selfish to think of was for his pleasure, his hands massaged out her aching body. “Let me take care of you.”

His arms wrapped around her tightly pulling her against him he could feel her body shutter against him and she started to cry. He started to cry as well “All is done…”

“We have a war to finish, May tho gods be in our favor dear husband.”

“Well will start again,but non shall be replaced.” She finished.

[asimpforthe80s]

He's back

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Starring: vampire Eddie x grieving reader

Warnings: angst. Suicide mentions. Arguing. Crying. Reader panics. Mentions of hallucinations.

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You expected Eddie to stay dead. You know, because that's what dead people do. You had cornered Dustin and forced him to tell you everything when Eddie "went missing." So he did. And now your best friend is dead... or so you thought at least up until you woke up to him peering over you, fangs on full display.

"Miss me, sweetheart?" he says, brushing some hair from your tear streaked face. You pushed him away. "Stop it.. I don't need more stupid hallucinations to remind me you're dead.." you whispered as you turned away from him, tears glossing your eyes.

"Come on.. did you really think the world was gonna go on without Eddienoo?" He chuckled, smirking down at you.

"My world won't.. but you managed to make me believe that you were here last time.." you said, let out a soft sniffle and brushing away a tear. "So what's the difference this time?" Eddie asked as he leaned forward, tilting your chin up. "You feel my presence." As he leaned closer. His warm breath kissed your skin when he exhaled.

"Just means you're getting vivid.. or I'm going insane.. cause I damn right felt you last time, too.. You're dead, Eddie.. you're not real.." you whispered, only making yourself cry more.

"Yeah, well, I'm not dead, princess, and it's high time you realize that." Eddie paused for a moment as his thumb brushed away your tears. His fingers tightened around your chin. "I was dead, but I came back. That's the difference, so why don't you quit crying before I give you something to really cry about?"

You sat back against the headboard. "First of all.. dead people stay dead.. second of all.. my Eddie wouldn't talk to me like that in a million years.." You sniffed. "Well, maybe it's time you realized just how much has changed for me while I was gone. Because yeah, old Eddie would never have spoken to you like that, but I'm not him anymore. I'm a vampire now. And guess what? Vampires are assholes, sweetheart."

You felt your heart break at that. "Then I don't want you here.." you said, tears blinding your vision. "I want the Eddie who takes care of me and makes sure I- I get up in the morning.. or that I'm eating enough.." you said, letting the tears stream. The way you spoke hurt him. But he tried to hold it in, he really did. A slight frown creased his face when he saw that you were getting upset again.

"Well, he's gone, princess. And so is this new version of me that you didn't even give a chance." He turned, hands placed on the sides of the bed. "I didn't come into this life to please you."

Your lips quivered as you tried to speak. "Then you're not the sweet man I secretly fell in love with and tried to kill myself for.." you whispered, your voice cracking as you spoke. His hands clenched into fists. The veins in his arms stood out more prominently against his skin than before. The words you spoke triggered something in him.

He turned to face you, standing over the bed with his hands pressed down on the mattress. "What was that?" he asked with a low growl. "Since you're not.. not my Eddie.. then you're not the man I loved and tried to take my own life for because I found out he died.." you repeated. Something about the way you said that made his blood run hot, his eyes turning nearly black with a simmering rage.

He leaned forward, hands coming down to grab your shoulders. "Do you have any idea how angry it makes me that you would even dare to think you should end it?" He got close, his voice laced with pure anger. "How angry would you be if I said I tried?" You asked, tears blocking your vision once more.

He wanted to scream at you. He wanted to yell at you and tell you how stupid and selfish that was. But he felt a slight twinge at the back of his mind. You were suffering. And maybe it really was because of him.

Eddie loosened his grip but let his hands slowly and softly cup your cheeks. For the first time in a while, his eyes were filled with pure concern. "You what?" You sighed. "I've tried.. I- I've really tried, okay? But every single time, a stupid hallucination of you shows up, telling me that I shouldn't do it and that you'd want me to fucking live.. but I wanted you to live with me.. and I didn't get that.." you said.

At first, he was going to deny that you weren't crazy, but he kept catching himself wanting to let his guard down. Your words of having made multiple attempts sent him into a spiral of internal conflict.

He wanted to scream at you for even considering it. But he knew he shouldn't get mad that you did, especially with how devastated you were about his death.

Eddie stayed silent for a few moments, trying to get his thoughts in order. "You actually tried to go through with it? Multiple times?" You nodded. "Knives, ropes, you name it, I've tried it.." you whispered. His hands fell from your face and squeezed into fists. His anger was quickly replaced by hurt.

"You really didn't want to be here without me?" He looked away for a moment and let out a heavy exhale. "What made you think that I would want that?" You sighed. "I didn't care.. if you wouldn't stay to finish this stupid life with me, neither was I.." you said, another tear rolling down the damp skin of your cheek.

"You didn't care..." he repeated quietly as he stared down at you. For the first time in ages, his heart felt heavy once more, and it hurt him knowing exactly how much you were suffering.

Eddie leaned down and placed one of his hands on your cheek, his thumb gently stroking through your dampened tears. "You're hurting me."

You let out a soft exhale. "And you hurt me.." you said, looking him dead in the eyes as you spoke. "I never wanted to hurt you," he said as his thumb rubbed softly at a tear trail that led down your cheek. "And I don't want to now, but if I know I'm hurting you just being here, then I should just go, shouldn't I?"

Your eyes widened once more. Was he really just gonna leave you again? Your breathing quickened along with your heartbeat, panic flowing through your veins as you watched him stand up and take a step back. He looked away from you once more and stood straight, putting a few feet of distance between the two of you. And even though he wanted to turn and run, he knew he would only be hurting you even more if he did. He knew that he had to stand here and face you.

"I'm going to do the right thing and just leave," he began, his words were as if they were being forced out of him. You felt your body go numb. Not an ounce of control left as you sat there. Heartbeat at 186 and almost a matching breathing. Just watching him take more and more steps backward.

He saw the way you were reacting. He saw the way your body froze up, how your heart began to pump faster, and how you started to breathe erratically. But what really got to him was your wide, fearful eyes. Just at that moment, he could tell that your panic was escalating beyond words.

He paused for a moment, thinking about what he should do. But seeing the way you were reacting was breaking his heart. Your eyes were begging. Pleading. Knowing what you would just do to yourself if you let him leave once again. But you weren't in control right now. You couldn't stop him. Your body was betraying you, forcing you to let him take the decision without further discussion.

"Sweetheart, look at me," he quietly demanded, turning back to face you. But as he did, you could see how much it hurt him to see you like this, the way your eyes begged him to stay as if you could do nothing to stop him.

"I don't want to hurt you, so just answer me truthfully. Do you want me to stay?" His hand shook slightly as his arm fell to his side. You couldn't answer. Your body didn't let you speak. But you needed to. It was now or never, right? If you didn't answer, he'd just leave you again, right? Your body trembled as you tried to speak. But nothing came out.

You couldn't answer, and the uncertainty of the situation made his blood run cold. The way your body was shaking and the way your voice refused to come out meant that he had likely hit on what you wanted. But how much did you want it?

Eddie took a step closer to where you were sitting, leaning down by the bed's side and placing his hands on your shoulders. "I need an answer, sweetheart. Do you want me to stay here, or would you be better off with me gone?" A tear rolled down your cheek as you realized you wouldn't be able to answer. Not now. Not in a while. You begged that vampired could read minds. You begged for him to hear to words you were silently screaming.

He couldn't handle it.

The way you were shaking and the way your eyes were screaming at him. You couldn't answer because he'd broken that trust between you both in that moment when he was angry.

He pulled his hands away and leaned down so you could stare him directly in the eyes.

"I'm begging at this point, sweetheart. Please, look me in my eyes and tell me that you want me to stay..." Your eyes drifted to meet his. As you know that you wouldn't be able to speak or nod. You decided to try nodding with your eyes as it was your only source of movement. Eddie had a feeling that you wanted him to stay. But just in case, he took a moment to observe the way your eyes moved, seeing if your head would shake or if you'd try to find a way to say yes.

His eyes widened as the truth was confirmed.

"I'm going to ask you one last time, sweetheart," he murmured, his eyes locked on yours. "Do. You. Want. Me. To. Stay?" Your eyes frantically formed a nod. Begging him to stay with you. Pleading for him not to leave you again. For a moment, Eddie was completely speechless. He nearly fell to his knees with how relieved he felt. He had put everything on the line there. Just a few seconds ago, he was ready to turn around and leave forever.

But instead, he leaned down and wrapped his arms around you. Pulling you into a loving embrace, his head buried into your neck. Finally, you felt yourself slip back into control.

"Please,please,please,please,please,.." You repeated, begging as you clutched the material of his jacket in your hands. He rubbed your back in a soothing manner, still unable to believe that you had just done the one thing he needed to hear.

"I'm here, sweetheart. I'm not going anywhere." You wanted to be held like this, and he was certainly going to give it to you. He was going to give you everything you wanted, and he wouldn't stop until you were smiling again. You wrapped your legs around his waist, trying to be as close to him as possible as you sobbed against his shoulder, repeating words of begging into his ears over and over.

A rush of emotions hit him as you clung to him like you'd never let go again. The moment you wrapped your legs around him made his heart flutter. His eyes remained closed the entire time and he continued to rub your back.

He knew that this was the moment that would solidify your feelings for him. Now, there was nowhere to go but up.

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Reblog or comment if anyone wants this to be a longer fic. (Please do, I have a lot more. It'll be so fucking happy)

[xythlia]

︶꒦꒷♡ . . . MAMMON 𓂃 SWEET NOTHING . ·˚ ༘

♡⃕ ࣪ WARNINGS | fem!reader ⸝⸝ hurt no comfort ⸝⸝ emotional turmoil ⸝⸝ emotional smut ⸝⸝ creampie ⸝⸝ handjob ⸝⸝ begging ⸝⸝ crying but no dacryphilia ⸝⸝ soft smut all things considered

♡⃕ ࣪ NOTICES | bc of nightbringers premise I'd been dreading seeing them not remember us but starting the game tonight made me realize id have a category ten breakdown if I was mc & it made me finish this mini hurtfest I started a few days ago

♡⃕ ࣪ WORD COUNT | 800+

He stays silent beside you, even as you lace your fingers with his and pull him closer, ignoring the way he can't look you in the face.

"I love you, I've loved you."

He doesn't say anything, and you know it's both because he partially doesn't believe you and out of fear of having forgotten if he loved you. You know you shouldn't be fine with it, should be angry at the entire situation, but you are fine with it because even if he can't fully believe you he isn't outright denying it's existence. If the love had existed, isn't that what matters? Can't it exist again?

He can feel it in the way you squeeze his hand, pulling him back to you with quiet desperation. It's why he hasn't let go of you, either.

"I love you," you say again, this time a whisper. Finally he looks up at you, meeting your eyes for the first time throughout this painful conversation. Everything slows, becoming a sticky syrup you're both sluggishly moving through as your lips meet, as he feels for a sense of rightness; of having done this before.

His lips feel cold, and it makes your heart clench knowing he's searching for familiarity after you've battered him like a rouge wave with the knowledge of lost love. Is it possible to grieve for a lover while they're still breathing life into your kiss?

The emotional instability makes you suddenly reckless, needy as you close the gap between your bodies- urging him to the edge of the bed and frantically sliding your fingers through his hair, caressing his jaw, thumbs brushing across his cheekbones. Recommitting him to memory.

That icy chill is gone from his lips as your tongue slides past them and his hands grip your sides with a tremble, pulling you down on top of him as he lays back against the mattress. You trail sloppy, wanting kisses down his neck as his hands shakily run up and down your sides, as if he's unsure how to touch you but affirming between unsteady breaths that he wants this. Wants you.

As you lean back to straddle his hips, hands splayed against his chest, your heart aches again. He's so beautiful. Maybe it had been cruel, selfish even, to tell him about your past just because you couldn't handle pretending he wasn't the one who held you at night, got you through the turmoil of your first year, and who you whispered love to every morning and every night.

But as you helped him out of his clothes and haphazardly flug your own off your resolve grew to simply fill him back up with the love you'd already given, love him again and again until you're both whole.

As you cradle his cheek he looks away again, something unreadable on his face. You bite your lip, a wobbly half smile on your lips as you silence another admission of love.

"Let me make you feel good?" you murmur.

He nods, wide eyes now bouncing between your face and your chest as your hips move ever so slightly. It makes him gasp, fingers digging into the fat of your ass as your bare cunt grinds against him. You don't want to tease too much, halting your movements before he can get too worked up and reaching down to grasp his cock- thick, heavy and flushed a deep pink with beads of precum gathering at the tip.

You have to remind yourself to go slow, this isn't like all the other times before. It's the first.

He gasps once more as your thumb smears the precum along his tip, letting spit drip from your lips as your hand slowly works up and down his length. It isn't long before his thighs tremble, hips bucking as he fucks into your fist but before any release comes he grabs your wrist in a tight grip.

"Please," he croaks, "need to feel you."

Your body feels like a live wire, taught with built up energy as you adjust your position, part your thighs and line him up with your slick cunt to sink down. You go slow, watching his mouth drop open as his tip pushes past the wet muscles, feeling the way your pussy hugs against every inch as your hips finally connect in a satisfying feeling of fullness.

Leaning down you press sweet kisses to his lips, cheeks, and forehead as your hips move to start leisurely bouncing on his cock. As he whines and gropes every inch of your skin he can reach you trail soft kisses back to his lips, swallowing his moans with every roll of your hips.

From the way his chest is rising and falling beneath your hands more rapidly, and the returning tremble in his thighs you know he's close. It's there, in that moment of losing yourselves in ecstasy as he holds you tight against him and his hips pound up into you roughly, that you selfishly plead. "Say it."

He doesn't answer, making you dig your fingers deeper into his skin as his grip tightens, your earlier hurt crashing against the force of orgasm to create a bomb cyclone inside your head. As your cunt spasms around him and stars cloud your vision, your sobs and hiccups hitching in time with the snap of his hips, Mammon presses a heated kiss to your lips. You can taste everything he can't say.

The taste of salt dances across your tongue as he gives in to your clenching muscles, letting you milk thick, warm spurts of cum from his throbbing cock. The heat seeping across your insides is a small consolation.

As you cry, still connected, against his skin he remains silent. But he holds you, holds you until the sobs fade into rough breaths and those give way to only the occasional whimper from your throat. He holds you until your eyes feel heavy, sore and demanding rest from the outpouring of tears.

It's painful and bittersweet.

[thosewildcharms]

Just broke my own heart thinking about Rick being absent for Lori’s pregnancy with Judith since he was, understandably, emotionally checked out AND being completely absent with Michonne’s for RJ and how he missed welcoming them both into the world, plus not seeing them grow up as he said, for a man that only cares about his family he must carry so much guilt over that or feel cursed… also thought about Michonne probably being extremely anxious when RJ turned the age Andre was when he died and she had no one to talk to about it. Thinking about her having to deal with it all while being a grieving single mother of 2 leading a community also made me sad. lol I know they’re both resilient fighters but damn all of that is so heavy! I’m so happy they’re all back together now and can start some healing

ANON BESTIE WHAT THE FUCK?

well okay sure. let's be depressing for a bit but then we should go back to grimes family headcanons okay?

it's honestly so tragic that rick was not able to see the birth of the child he wanted so badly, that he didn't even know RJ existed for almost a decade. the length of that time jump is honestly so evil - like yes, on one level it heightens the intensity of their bond, the way that they never even considered anyone else over all those years and stayed completely in love throughout that absence and distance. but god, it's just a really fucking long time. it's devastating!

it's also why I love that scene in the towl finale where rick expresses how angry he is about it, how just for a minute he lets himself say out loud that he just wants to be selfish for once and say fuck it let's go home, because he doesn't want to miss any more time than he already has. i also love the way andy played the reunion with judith and rj: the quiet grief in his face because he's mourning the time lost even while they're right in front of him, maybe even more so. like, of course he was distraught over how much he missed. this man held a shard of glass to his neck when he truly thought he could never see his family again (which i think we moved on from a bit too quickly tbh). his love for his family is his motivation for everything. keeping him away from them is the worst thing you could do to him, which is btw is why i'm not mad okafor is dead.

as for michonne. well my god anon did you have to go there with that andre/rj thing? i mean, yes you're absolutely right and you're completely brilliant but jfc that hurt. i honestly can't even think about those six years michonne spent grieving rick and raising their kids and protecting that community and getting that scar and everything else without getting upset. i genuinely hate it so much. i'm also constantly thinking about the scene where she finds evidence that rick is alive, the specific way her face contorts as she holds that phone like she's scared to even dare to hope, even though she never fully believed he was gone in the first place. we already saw how much she was struggling but that scene makes me want to set myself on fire. it's all just so fucking sad.

so yes. they better be left alone to heal in peace forever no more Situations no more near death experiences no more wars or fascist megalomaniacs with armies to overthrow. they've done enough!

[stardust-moth]

Hey there! What's your take on why Mike keeps his eyes open and just limply stands there when El kisses him at the end of ST season 3? Bylers claim it's because Mike doesn't love her and idk about that... that definitely wasn't my read. But I recently rewatched the whole show, and I can't really figure out what that moment is supposed to convey?? Like, watching that scene, there isn't the feeling of a great love being fulfilled, or of grief at losing her to the move. He just kind of seems... idk, confused? Perturbed? idk! I can't wrap my head around what I'm supposed to take away from that moment!

Ok. I almost didn't bother writing out a long, detailed post about this, because it's one of those things that (in my mind) shouldn't need to be explained, since (to me) it's presented so clearly in the source material already. So much of this show is so wildly misinterpreted all the time these days and it's getting to be exhausting-- half the time my reaction is just:

BUT! Why would I ever pass up an opportunity to yap about my favorite things, namely my dear my son my boy Michael Wheeler??

So! Let's consider all the context pieces going on here, shall we?

Things we know about Mike:

Struggles to say the Big L Word in general. Feelings are big and scary. (This is not a new concept, mind you. It's a very common romance trope. It's also a real thing that real people struggle with, especially among men and boys. Remember the cultural setting, everybody.)

he has low self-esteem and Big Insecurities about the validity of his feelings and his relationship with her (insecurities which are constantly reinforced by the people around him)

he is ALWAYS visibly startled/surprised when ANYONE expresses that they care about him to ANY extent (surprised that his mom empathizes with him and isn't angry about staying home from school when his best friend is missing, surprised when Dustin points out that he and Lucas are close best friends, surprised that Nancy runs out to hug him and says she was worried about him, surprised that El doesn't judge him for being bullied and says she understands, surprised when she tells him she was listening all 353 days, surprised when she tells him she missed him at the pizza shop, surprised when Will tells him that he's the glue that holds the party together and that they all need him, surprised when Karen goes on a mom tirade about how she was worried sick and never wants to let him go far away ever again, etc etc etc... idk what you expect at this point)

here, he is clearly bracing himself for saying goodbye and putting on nonchalant fronts to protect himself from experiencing that grief again (see my pinned post for more in-depth analysis of why Mike is scared of his feelings)

Also take into account: 

He TRIED to tell her he loves her in the supermarket, like really genuinely tried, but they were interrupted by ALL the shit hitting the fan. There is a LOT going on!! El's powers are gone and no one knows why! She's grieving the loss of her father! She's about to move across the country to somewhere entirely new and unfamiliar! Mike doesn't want to be selfish right now given what she's going through, making such a move now would be pretty tactless, and he's trying so hard to be a good respectful boyfriend (after literally everyone told him off for things like caring too much/spending too much time with her). Plus, if she doesn't reciprocate, well then fuck, some of his last moments with her will be stained by disappointment and guilt and awkwardness. And if she does reciprocate, well then fuck, now that just makes this goodbye even harder for both of them.

So yeah. He's fuckin shook. And, like the awkward noodle he is, Mike is slow to process it.

There are SEVERAL emotions going on right now-- the most apparent one being shock/surprise/confusion. Of course it's massively validating to hear "I love you, too", the same way it's massively validating to hear her say "I understand" and "I heard". But whatever happy feelings it brings are definitely overshadowed by the sinking realization that despite it all, he's still losing her. They still have to go separate ways. Remember that while we the audience know they're all going to come back to Hawkins and be reunited by the end of the story, the characters don't know that. As far as anyone knows in this moment, they're moving away for good. (And btw, distance is a lot bigger of a deal when methods of communication are limited-- remember the setting, everybody!! No instant messaging!! Letters take weeks to mail, no way to see each other's faces except through mailed photographs, only one landline phone per household and you have to factor in time zones and family members' working hours... long-distance relationships are hard now, imagine how hard they would be for teenagers in 1985!!)

Bottom line: He wasn't expecting her to say it. He wasn't prepared to hear it now. He wasn't ready for it to be such a mix of hurt and happy all at once. All he could do is stare in awestruck bewilderment.

His first love, the most important person to him in the whole world, truly reciprocates his feelings. And he's about to lose her forever again.

Unfortunately Finn's face is kind of obscured from view during a lot of the actual kiss, which can understandably make it hard to read, but he is most definitely kissing her back-- it's very hesitant and subtle compared to El's confidence, but he does lean in to meet her.

Every single indicator (in the music, the blocking/camera work, etc) is purposefully framing this scene as a positive moment and the resolution to their relationship arc for the season.

Further conflict and further resolution that we see in S4 supports/confirms this as the correct interpretation. His confession monologue spells it all out word for word for christ's sake.

Narratively, the scene would make ZERO sense if that was meant to be a negative reaction. Their romance subplot goes through all the story arc steps and all the buildup, why would it fall so flat right at the final piece of the resolution? That would just be poor writing. (And frankly, that entire take is evidence of poor media literacy and comprehension. You just... you can't cherry-pick the details, guys, I'm sorry.)

If that kiss was meant to be a nail in the coffin, a realization that everything that the story has established and everything these two characters have expressed thus far is, in fact, not so... then we wouldn't have seen a moment like this with such intimacy right afterwards:

Tell me you can't read his face now. He's in tears and clinging to her. That is heartbreak! And just by looking at how she touches his face and presses their foreheads together, you can tell she feels it too and understands.

So yeah, that's my take on it. I hope this provides some clarity! <3

PS, on a lighter note, allow me to present to you a directly comparable confused-open-eyed kiss scene that absolutely NO ONE questions:

[reaper-in-reverie]

Hiraeth;

A homesickness to a home to which you cannot return, a home which maybe never was.

Synopsis. Sae's thoughts the moment he's done talking to his younger brother on his fateful return.

"Rin, I gave up. I gave the fuck up."

note. cw for swearing. Nothing too much, just some itoshi brothers angst coming from a certified older sister who went through the same thing. I'm an ashamed Sae defender. I know bllk fans only really care for thirsts and stuff so lol let me hit you with sae ig. Ooc writing.

I'm not sorry.

I am not fucking sorry.

I'm walking away from you and leaving you on that field, because I'm not sorry.

Did you really expect me to console you, Rin? To be there for you when you slump to the ground in realization?

You don't have the slightest clue what it's like out there. This is reality. Don't you get it? I'm teaching you what it's like out there — this is what it means to be the best.

It means I have to be away from you forever, Rin.

I can't always be your reason. I can't always be your motivation. How can you be an individual on your own when you base your beliefs off your older brother?

We need some time apart.

No, scratch that. I need to leave. This country — this damn family — it's nothing for me anymore.

What have you even been doing while I was gone? Waiting for me? That's pathetic. That's pathetic. I wish you'd realized you didn't need me on your own.

Rin, I gave up.

I gave the fuck up.

Don't you get it at all?

Why are you angry?

You're special, you always have been. You were better than me since the beginning. The path to success is hard, they said — but it was so much more cruel, it was so much harder than what they told us all. In the end I don't see the point of it anymore.

I've always known you were better.

What happened to me in those four years only pushed me to that realization — you're gonna be the best and I'm not good enough here.

And don't you know that fucking hurts, too?

Do you think I'm not grieving our dream as much as you are?

Do you really not get it?

Fuck, you're pathetic. You act like you're so hurt...

I'm not sorry.

I'm selfish, I know. I want you to be the best. You've always wanted to be the best. You can be better than me now. You don't have to be second to 'nii-chan' anymore. You can go and be the best striker in the world, and you don't have to worry about me being...

I can be whatever I want, and you can be whatever you want.

Wanting to be like me is lukewarm. It's pathetic. It makes me look at you and want to puke.

I know it hurts.

And I'm not sorry.

I love you, Rin, but I'm not sorry.

║Ⓒ reapkusho on tumblr. 2024. all rights reserved. refrain from translating, copying, or stealing in any way, etc.

[atlasscrumpit]

Bucky Barnes x Reader

(after endgame)

After everything that had happened it had been nice to have your own place with Bucky.

Tony had left nearly everyone an entire estate when he died.

But, Bucky knew something was upsetting you. Obviously a lot had gone on but it was more than that.

When he found on the couch at 5am in the morning watching tv he was even more worried.

"Doll? Have you slept?" He asked sitting down where your feet were.

You shook your head and Bucky looked at you sadly.

"I know a lot has gone on, baby. But, this feels like something else. I know we lost a lot of friends and you're allowed to grieve, I'm just worried." Bucky whispered as you turned the TV off and sat up.

"Can I be honest with you?" You whispered as Bucky looked at you and nodded.

"I'm grieving Natasha and Tony... But I'm angry at Steve. I'm so angry." You muttered, closing your eyes tightly.

"Why are you angry?" Bucky asked in a calming tone.

"Because he's fucking selfish, Barnes! Why the fuck did he get to live happily ever after and leave the rest of us! He was my best friend and your best friend and he just left us because he couldn't get over a fucking girl!" You shouted as Bucky looked at you in shock, he could tell you had a lot of built up anger.

You stood up and began to pace, tears forming in your eyes.

"He fucked up the timeline just to have a happy ever after! He is selfish, Bucky! I hate him so much, I fucking hate him!" You said as you began to sob and fell to your knees.

Bucky rushed towards you and held you while you cried.

"I don't hate him... I miss him and I'm angry that he left." You whispered through your tears as Bucky ran his hand through your hair.

"I know, Y/N. I was angry as well... I know this doesn't explain anything but just try to see it from Steve's eyes. When you lost me because of the snap you were willing to destroy planets just to have me back. That's how Steve felt with Peggy." Bucky explained as you held onto him.

"That helps me understand better... But, I'm still angry that he left." You muttered making Bucky chuckle softly.

"That's okay, baby. You have every right. Now, I think it's bed time for you, darling." Bucky said kissing your forehead, before picking you up in his arms.

You smiled and let your body relax, falling asleep before you even got to the bedroom.

"Goodnight, Y/N."

[milolovesbmc]

RANT ON THE BOYF RIENDS BECAUSE I'M A WEIRDO LOL (Warning: RIDICULOUSLY LONG!)

I saw someone say something along the lines of "Boyf Riends just doesn't work on (the) Broadway (production)" so I'm now gonna rant about it cause I'm a weirdo and I love be more chill (Context, this was under a video with a whole bunch of drawings of Michael and Jeremy in different productions, so played by different actors! Someone commented "Someone should add Broadway" and the op replied with the line I first mentioned, no hate to this person, I'm just being a nerd, also if they see this, your art was amazing and I have nothing against you!!) But anyways this just set me off not a whole tageant about their dynamic, so be prepared for that!

So side note before I start ranting, I'm not saying this in a "Die-hard Boyf Riends shipper" way or something, more in a "the thing this person says makes no apparent sense (at least to me rn)" , also if you want to discuss this feel free to DM me and I'll happily hear you out, I might change my mind about this if someone gives me a good argument, who knows! I'm more than down to discussing this

So anyways, this point just doesn't make sense because of one simple thing: The show's plot and main story points don't change from one production to another. Sure, some details or even dialogue, might change! Hell, the addition of LGW in the Broadway/off-Broadway (?) Run gave as a totally different point of view into Jeremy's character and motivations! But that doesn't change the WHOLE story or the entirety of the perception x person may have on said main character. This just lets us dig a bit deeper into Jeremy's character and how he feels in the moment of making this huge decision of (basically) dumping Michael.

So into why Boyf Riends does/doesn't "work" (work meaning in this context that they fit together, or are fit for each other to put it some way)

I have to start off this by saying that their romantic relationship would not be the healthiest one to say the least. Like you can see this in the platonic relationship they have in the show! And, man, of course it won't be, they're 16! They do not know enough about relationships, neither platonic, romantic or anything in between. Not to say their relationship would be toxic! They just have some codependency issues to work through, because it may not be that apparent but they are, in fact, co-dependent to each other in some ways! They care A LOT about the other's opinion and what they would do in their place, this is shown more from Jeremy's side (probably because we're seeing the story though his lense) than Michael's, we can see this in MITB mainly, whole he's essentially having the breakdown of his life, and we aren't able to see that much of his concern for whether Jeremy likes him or not because he's so okay with himself, he doesn't care what other people think, he wouldn't change for anyone! Which is also why MITB is such an important arc to Michael, because we see that he's not perfectly 100% confident, he's vulnerable too, and he cares, because, shocker! He's still a teenager, with complicated feelings and problems!! He just doesn't constantly feed his insecurities and anxieties because, unlike Jeremy, he likes who he is, he's come to accept himself and wouldn't change for anyone! This latter point is very important, because this means (or at the very least implies) that he will put himself first, not in a selfish way, but in a good way, that's healthy! However, this changes in The Pants Song. You could argue that "He doesn't change anything about him tho! He just decides to help Jeremy!" And you'd be right! But he does so by putting Jeremy before himself and his feelings! Because he's angry, he's grieving because he didn't expect his best friend to turn on him, he needs to process it at least and he deserves to be upset! He insists on not helping him at first, but at last he's convinced by Mr.Heere and ends up, basically doing what Jeremy's father should have done. He basically goes out and saves everyone's ass, even after he gets called a loser on the Halloween party, essentially beat up by a SQUIP-possessed-but-still-Jeremy Jeremy during the play etc.

On Jeremy's side, he is kind of jealous of Michael! Because in Jeremy's eyes, Michael is cool! And he's great! And Jeremy can't process why Michael doesn't hate himself like he does, because the two of them share a lot of traits that Jeremy is bullied for! Because even if not shown, Michael is probably bullied too, but he doesn't pay it any mind, his love of himself is too strong to be affected by it! Jeremy, in some way, kind of looks up to Michael, this could partly also be because of a lack of a parental figure to look up to, but that's a whole other thing. This could affect his view on things, because you could argue that Jeremy sees the SQUIP as that "parental" figure to look up to! Because it knows what's best for him, or so it says, and it's gonna solve all off his problems! So during the bathroom intervention, Michael essentially goes against this idol figure Jeremy has (the SQUIP) which, in Jeremy's eyes, is good! So in that logic, Michael must be the bad person in this! Which is what prompts him to push him away (both literally and metaphorically). That wasn't the point I was discussing tho so back to that! Jeremy needs Michael's approval, he needs Michael to reassure that what he's doing is right! Because nobody else will do the things for Jeremy, not his father, that's for sure!

The problem is that, well, Michael doesn't completely get this! He doesn't get that Jeremy needs him to make the decision for him or help him out, so he just tries to distract him from it with the whole "Cool In College" thing, and at the same time, accidentally confirms his fears, never with that intention of course! But he does. A good example is these lines from Two Player Game: "Dude you are cooler than a vintage cassette, it's just that no one else but me thinks that yet! You're just a nothing in this high school scheme [...]"

Is Michael saying Jeremy's fine the way he is? Yeah! You can understand that from his speech! Will Jeremy most probably just pick up on how he says nobody else thinks that? Also yes

So in conclusion, to end this all off because I'm writing this at 1 in the morning, Michael and Jeremy's relationship does have flaws, it has it's positive and negative aspects, but they can work through them! And about the whole SQUIP incident, I think they just need to actually talk about it and understand why they both did what they did (Mainly for Jeremy's part) and just move on forward! Could moving on forward mean going into a romantic relationship? Sure! It can be whatever kind of relationship you want! Can it also just continue to be platonic/friendship? Sure! Could both work out equally well? YEP! At least from my point of view!

Thanks for listening to me rant, I just have to say this probably went way off rail from what I was saying at the start and might feel kinda pointless, but again, it is 1 am and I'm not reading this again, I hope you can at least enjoy it! :)

[blacklesbothatlovestowrite]

Telekinesis Pt 2

Shuri x Fem Reader

"Sthandwa..." Shuri starts but quickly corrects herself at the look on your face. "Y/n."

You stare at her blankly. You don't want to talk. You want her the fuck out of your apartment. She didn't get to make herself feel better by gaining 'closure' or whatever the fuck this was.

"I love you." She starts but you let out a bitter laugh interrupting her.

"You've got a funny way of showing it." You snort, trying to breathe through your laughing.

"Whether you believe me or not, it's the truth." She asserts. You had to force yourself not to roll your eyes because at this point you felt over the conversation and over her bullshit. "I was a different person back then. I knew I was fucked up and I still pursued you because I was selfish. I knew I was hurting you and I felt it was better I let you go before I did anything worse than I already had."

"What do you mean by that? You had to let me go before you did anything worse?" You focus on the tail end of her sentence. What the fuck did that even mean? Worse than she already had?

"You know I was struggling with my duties in Wakanda, and the loss of my family. I barely grieved my brother before I was grieving the loss of my mother. I was in a terrible place and I just couldn't let anyone in." Shuri looks downright ashamed and you can't find it in you to care. "The more I ignored you, the easier it was for me to not have to open up. I didn't have to think about how disappointed you were in me or how much I hurt you. It was selfish but at the time I couldn't offer you anything that you deserved."

"It didn't take you more than a millisecond to fuck someone else." You hated how much that affected you.

"Y/n, I was in a bad place and I turned to sex for comfort. You have to know it meant nothing, those women meant nothing to me." Shuri swears but you can't focus on what she's saying. Only on the confirmation that she had in fact fucked all the women she'd been linked to.

You felt sick just thinking about all the women you compared yourself to when you were bigger. How you cried, starved yourself and worked yourself ragged just to look somewhat similar to those women. The biggest knife to your back was her having a completely different type cast than you, which fucked with your head even more.

"How can you say you love me when all you've done is hurt me." Your breath hitched as you tried to blink away the tears stinging your eyes.

"Sthandwa, losing you hurt like hell." She cups your face in her hands. A move that would have warmed your insides if it weren't for all the mixed emotions running through you. "As much as I wanted you, I needed to lose you to love me. I couldn't be what you needed and that hurt more than anything but I just needed to find myself, and I couldn't do that if we were together because I would have been fighting the same demons."

You aren't sure if her revelation is better than what your mind had conjured up after all this time. Knowing you couldn't help her, fix her, heal her was painful. You would have done anything for her and she didn't want or need that.

The whole time she spoke you felt more and more overwhelmed. You had made so many assumptions as to the reason she cut you off, ghosted you. Nothing compared to this. You didn't know what to feel because how could you be angry at her for putting herself first? She didn't disrespect you, she never cheated, she simply distanced herself slowly before breaking up with you.

Were you selfish for hating her actions? Maybe, however you couldn't dissect that right now. Finally having some answers that had plagued your mind for so long wasn't like what you thought it would feel like. And that in itself was a whole headache.

A knock at your door broke up the uncomfortable silence. You moved off of Shuri's lap and swiped at your face before taking a breath and heading for the door.

"I know damn well you did not kick Dylan out to obsess over that b--" Lexi's rant is cut short when she sees Shuri sitting on the sofa. All the shit she was talking getting caught in her throat as she froze.

"Hello Lexi." Shuri greets her.

"You have some nerve showing up now and attempting to disturb Y/n's life." Lexi hissed. She'd been waiting for this moment for years. She hated the sight of Shuri, after all the sleepless nights, the crying, the break downs, and the not eating. She despised her.

"I--"

"You don't get to speak. Y/n may fall for the bullshit but I won't. Do you know what you did to her? Do you know how badly you hurt her? You look at her now and you more than likely see a finer more detailed her but you didn't get to see what it took to get her here. She cried herself to sleep for months! Wouldn't eat beyond a few bites here and there! She had to get therapy just to fucking get her to eat properly!" Lexi's face was darkening by the second, you had never seen her more angry and that was telling considering she went on a Shuri shit talking rant whenever you went lurking on social media.

Shuri's face dropped as the Words registered in her mind. She looked from Lexi to you and the look made you feel for her. She looked absolutely devastated. You felt embarrassed by Lexi's rant. As if Shuri was seeing you under a new set of eyes, you crossed your arms over your chest and looked away.

"Meanwhile you were off partying and fucking all these models and socialite's. You were the worst thing that happened to her and you have the fucking nerve to show up after all you caused to what? Fuck with her even more?" Lexi's voice is raising with every word and you cringe.

"Lex..." You mutter her name. "Please stop."

She took her irate eyes off of Shuri to look at you. She exhaled before nodding.

"You need to leave Y/n the fuck alone. You don't deserve her. You never have and you never will. She finally has someone that treats her better than you ever did, could. Don't ruin that for her. She has a weakness when it comes to you, don't take advantage of it." Lexi utters.

Shuri swallowed hard. She wasn't sure what she was hoping to accomplish by coming to see you but to hear what you'd been through made her feel disgusted with herself. She never thought you'd take her breaking up with you that bad. She knew you'd be hurt, she knew you'd even be angry but she never knew it could have ever been that bad.

"I'm sorry." Her voices sounds broken, the look in her eyes was haunting you as she stood. "I won't bother you again."

You watched with bated breath as she walked out the door, every step she took causing your chest to tighten.

"Why would you say those things?" You cried. "You had no right to tell her--"

"I had EVERY right Y/n!" Lexi glared at you. "I know you. I know you have never gotten over her. A few sweet words and you'd be right back in that toxic ass bitch's bed."

"And if I was? That's not your problem. I make my own decisions. I don't need you to fight my battles and I damn sure don't need you to speak for me." Every word held contempt. You were pissed at her for overstepping. Even if she'd done it from a good place.

"Y/n look at you right now." She scoffs. "You're so fucking pussy whipped by that selfish bitch that you can't see just how stupid you're being. Do you think Dylan will ever forgive you fucking your ex?"

"Why do you give a fuck about Dylan????? I'm your best friend! What I want should matter to you!" You huff. You felt so drained.

"So you want the same bitch who dropped you like you were trash?" Lexi raised a brow.

"I don't know what I want. But I'd appreciate it if you were supportive instead of judgmental or scolding. I'm grown. If you can't accept me and my 'pussy whipped' mentality then fucking leave. You do not get to make me feel worse than I already do!" You shivered as you let out the sob you were barely holding in. "Don't you think I hate myself already for loving her still? Don't you think I'd let go of her if I could?"

"Oh, babe..." Lexi walked over and hugged you. The moment her arms encased you, you broke down.

-

The next day is shitty. You choose go ignore texts from Dylan or Lexi. After your breakdown you'd kicked Lexi out wanting to be alone. And so far you were stuck in a shitty mood.

You felt like shit. You couldn't help the feelings you'd tried to bury for the longest. You felt so conflicted. After hearing Shuri out you weren't sure you could be angry at her, but at the same time you didn't think you could trust her again. Then there was Dylan you really liked her but she didn't inspire the feelings Shuri did.

Dylan was safe. She was the known. You knew you could have a life with her that consisted of love, respect and loyalty. She could provide you with a stable life that Shuri just couldn't guarantee. Shuri herself had admitted she was emotionally unavailable and even with what she'd said. She never once stated she wanted you back. She didn't want you. She only wanted to clear the air.

She wasn't chasing you, she wasn't yearning for you. She hadn't missed any sleep over you, she sure as hell wasn't crying for you. Maybe you were being cynical, maybe you were just too tired of hoping and praying for someone to chase you the way you chased Shuri.

Either way you felt guilty for being stuck on Shuri while Dylan tried her best to give you the experiences you deserved. Affection, Time, Comfort, Love, Memories that didn't include you feeling like shit or crying or hurt.

Despite all the things that were on your mind, you sent a text to Shuri's old number.

Come over, please. - Y/n

It was a long shot. You hadn't texted the line since you'd been ignored. You were sure she'd long since disconnected the line. As you busied yourself with cleaning your apartment and making a salmon Caesar salad, you kept checking your phone for a reply despite the fact your sound was on.

You ate your food, while enjoying a glass or three of wine. The latter being the amount you'd drank. You checked your phone to see several hours had passed since the text was sent and you felt foolish for thinking she would have responded. She'd gotten her closure. She could continue to party and fuck all those women.

After placing the leftovers in the fridge and washing the dishes. You decided to do your night routine, before walking around naked. One of the many joys of living in your own spot.

As you went to find something to wear you heard the door and went to look through the peephole. Taking a deep breath you opened the door and let her in. You watched as she take you in, her eyes taking in every inch of you.

You closed and locked the door behind her, before turning to face her. Before you knew it you were lying on your bed with your legs spread and her fingers in your core.

Everything became a blur as you got lost in the sensations. You weren't sure how much time had passed but you knew it had been quite a bit by the darkness in your room.

"I'm sorry..." You whisper as she spooned you.

"You don't have to apologize Y/n." She assures you, her hand rubbing your hip.

"I do. I didn't mean to call you that.."

"You did and that's fine. I'm not delusional nor am I stupid. I know you still love her. I can only hope you can love me just as much." Dylan admits. She was too good for you.

"I don't know what to do." You mumble.

"Then don't do anything. I don't need commitment right now, I just need you however I can get you." Dylan kisses the top of your head.

-

In the middle of the night your phone alerts you to a text. You turn your head to see Dylan is knocked out before reaching for your phone.

Sorry I didn't respond right away. I wasn't sure what to say. - Shuri

No worries, I wasn't sure this number was still yours anyway. - Y/n

Well now you know it is. - Shuri

Can we have dinner tomorrow? - Shuri

Why? - Y/n

I know I don't deserve you but I can't let go of you again. - Shuri

I'm seeing someone. - Y/n

It can be a friendly dinner. No expectations. I'll take you anyway I can get you. - Shuri

Fine, but you want to take me out. You're picking me up. - Y/n

Great! How does seven tomorrow sound? - Shuri

It's fine. Goodnight. - Y/n

You place your phone done to go back to sleep right as another text comes in.

Goodnight Umfazi, sleep well. - Shuri

[moonlarked]

death, she is cunning and clever as hell (and she’ll eat you alive)

in which: tam deals with the fallout of a choice.

Tam didn’t know how long he was supposed to sit here.

Wraith had walked him in, led him to the bench he was sitting on, and told him it would just be a few minutes. “We just need to figure everything out” and “we need to let everyone recover” and “we’ll be with you shortly.”

Tam didn’t know how long a few minutes was in the Collective’s eyes.

All he knew was that he hated this room.

He hated being alone, more accurately. He hated not having anyone to bounce off of. He’d always had someone. First it had been Linh, his sister, the only person he’d ever truly trusted for the vast majority of his life. Then he’d somehow fallen into Sophie Foster’s dysfunctional group of outcasts and mentally ill teenagers trying to save the world. He’d been in on all their meetings, adding a dry piece of commentary or a pragmatic piece of advice, and over time he found himself genuinely caring about these people. He found himself a family.

He didn’t know if he even had friends now.

He remembered Linh’s tight-lipped frown and shell-shocked eyes. Rayni’s slitted gaze, confused tears wetting her cheekbones. Keefe’s collapse to the ground.

Sure, she had been a villain. But she had also been a living, breathing person.

Nobody in their group had premediated, planned, schemed, with the intent to kill a living person.

Nobody until now.

Why had he done it? The answer that came to his head first: he was tired. He was tired of Linh’s retreat into a stiffer, calculating version of her old self. He was tired of Sophie running herself ragged every day, manipulated by people who said they were trying to help her. He was tired of Fitz and Biana constantly grieving over a brother that hadn’t even loved them in the first place. He was tired of innocents getting dragged into this twisted plot.

But another part of him, maybe a more honest part, told him he did it because he was angry and scared.

He was angry at the pain inflicted on him by Gisela.

He was scared of what might happen to his sister. And by proxy, what might happen to him, because he couldn’t live without his sister.

So, honestly?

It was because he was selfish.

He really hadn’t changed since Exillium.

A light knock at the door sounded and before Tam could answer, it cracked open and Sophie’s head poked into the room.

She looked awful. Her dark circles, which were always rough, looked like they had been pummeled and bruised for hours. Her olive skin was drenched in sweat. The dark roots of her dyed blond hair even seemed more pronounced.

She opened her mouth, then closed it, choosing to simply stand there like a gawking observer.

If it were any other time, Tam would make a dry comment about her lack of words. But he couldn’t do that now - he wasn’t sure if he would ever be able to do that again. Besides, Sophie would see right through him. His mask of aloofness was pretty much shattered.

Instead of saying anything, she walked over and sat on the bench next to him.

“Everyone’s fine,” she assured him. “Linh’s good. She seemed to recover quickly.”

Tam didn’t know if the desperation had shown on his face that much or if she simply knew him that well by now, but either way he was grateful. “Rayni?”

“Livvy’s treating her right now. I think she’s in shock or something.”

“…Keefe?”

Sophie’s silence was enough of an answer, and Tam slumped forward, burying his face in his hand and trying to stop the cowardly tears from appearing. He couldn’t cry. Not now.

A soft hand was laid on his shoulder, and he looked up to see Sophie with an impossibly sympathetic look in her brown eyes.

And Tam broke.

The tears weren’t soft. They were angry and jagged and loud.

Sophie wrapped her arm around him and allowed him to stain her tunic, gently rubbing her hand along his shoulder and neck.

He sniffed and looked up at her. “Why are you comforting me?”

She sighed. “Tam, how often have I cried? How often have I fallen apart? How often have I been held in this exact same way?”

“This is..”

“Exactly the same,” she interrupted. “And I’m going to help you through this. Because that’s what we do. We help each other.”

We.

There was still a we.

Sophie gripped his hand, keeping the other wrapped around his shoulders.

Tam knew this wasn’t the end of his trouble. Soon, he would be confronted by the Collective, and then maybe the Council, and then he would have to somehow talk to his friends. He wasn’t going back to any semblance of normal after this.

But for now, he let her stay.

[aloneonceagainaspredicted]

I know I must be the last motherfucker on EARTH to watch Grimm, but be patient with me 'cause i'm doing it now.

Something I can't understand though is the youtube comments on scenes about Sean & Juliette's compulsion, because those people talk about her as if she was willfully and purposefully cheating on Nick when as far as i'm concerned:

• Juliette had NO memories of any of their relationship and although she was as gentle as possible with Nick, understanding and even feeling guilty though she had no fault, she had no obligation to BE with Nick— truth be told, they were anything but together in that specific moment in their lives.

• She was under a COMPULSION; her feelings for Sean were born out of a supernatural connection she didn't understand and quite frankly, neither did Sean.

Now, I can see why people would be mad at Sean because Adalind's revenge against Nick had everything to do with Sean's manipulation of her own infatuation and loyalty to him: if Sean hadn't asked her to seduce Hank and bring him the key, Nick wouldn't have made her taste his blood— if she encountered the Grimm in any other way, he would've dealt with her either by locking her up or killing her in self defense, although I would argue Adalind was incredibly stupid in letting Nick trick her when she knows her own weakness unlike most wesen he fights against AND that her actions are her own, you can't blame someone else for what she does or doesn't do(and it was merciful of Nick to even let her live as a human, might I remind you she pretty much raped Hank and then dangled his life in front of Nick).

Funny thing though is that Nick himself feels betrayed and ready to goddamn murder Sean and amidst all of that he suddenly forgets that between him and Juliette? He's the asshole.

Allow me:

• He's been lying to her about where he is, who he is, how he met Monroe, and all the little details about him being a Grimm and the Wesen, which is the most understandable of his bad decisions because she's a kehrseite, we saw how she reacted at first to Nick's meltdown(and he very much was NOT stable when he broke it to her which didn't help at all).

• Selfishly, he decided that putting her in danger that she wouldn't even be aware of was worth it to keep her even after being proven that no, he cannot protect her from everything(AKA, Plumed Serpent, Game Ogre & Woman In Black); are we all aware of how insane that is? Juliette has no idea that she has a target painted on her back that doesn't even compare to the one a detective's lover has to handle, Nick stayed deluding himself into thinking things were fixable and fine(AKA, The Thing With Feathers) knowing damn well that his Aunt had been right about breaking up to protect her. God, I bet that Juliette would immediately connect dots and think Nick just couldn't keep their relationship afloat while grieving and drowning in work and forgive him for being so closed off, she would've stayed his friend regardless because she's just awesome like that.

I love Nick, I want nothing less but for him to be supported and loved, he and Juliette are such compassionate people that were genuinely happy together before his heritage came knocking on his door but he made one bad decision after another and his cowardice/selfishness almost cost Juliette's life multiple times— the big deal with Monroe's acceptance at the final scene in Of Mouse And Men is exactly that he's painfully aware of the dangers he's facing by being a Blutbad that's helping a Grimm, his informed decision to stick by Nick seems to overwhelm the Grimm because someone is doing that for him when he can't have it anywhere else. Nobody but Monroe can know.

(And not to be quickly bonkers about NickRoe but the fact that his reaction to Monroe's telling that Nick was the reason he got attacked was cutting ties? That bitter, angry smirk when he says he won't ask anything anymore? He's willing to let Monroe go — his main support as a Grimm, his translator, his personal Grimm-o-pedia and sniffer, a powerful ally in the Wesen World, a friend that fed him and protected him — at what he thinks is Monroe's breaking point but insists on Juliette even after he thought she reached her breaking point, it speaks of a balance between Monroe & Nick that Juliette & Nick no longer have and that he wants the Blutbad safe more than he's willing to fight his decision and keep him although he clearly hates to part with him like that.)

So, I really think that in this entire situation Juliette's entitled to all of her anger, and that she has nothing to feel guilty about wanting to fuck Sean Renard seven different ways into Sunday — I mean, she's such relatable queen for that — and that Nick, while valid in his feelings of desperation and fury, should've known goddamn better. I won't tolerate Juliette slander about it; i'm vaguely aware shit hits the fan in later seasons but that's not relevant here.

[sanchoyo]

Hello there friend...I'm silly tired and it's the middle of the night so this might not be coherent but I saw ur tags on that religion vs non post. Just wanted to say I know where ur coming from. I'm sorry that happened to u, that was a terribly presumptuous and unhelpful thing for them to do. I went thru something similar when my cat died, just to a lesser extent. I was told, in a well meaning comforting way, that she wouldn't suffer anymore, and my bitter grief stricken response was "she doesn't EXIST anymore. She's gone forever" bc I don't believe in the afterlife either.

OHHH sending u love for this <33 I was half awake and mad abt it but honestly its been like 2 months and im Fine with it now. (well maybe not FINE. still angry but it doesn't feel RAW anymore, like I can talk about it now) what's kind of funny is, I normally do like to talk about religion and the subject of an afterlife! it's something me and my sister have talked about a lot (not entirely sure what label she'd use now, but she used to be really into witchy stuff, so spiritual/religious topics would be fun to discuss between us, I am still spiritual in...weird ways...) it's just. there's a time and a place!! when he is dying and I am grieving is NOT the time or place!!!

It's so annoying when people around here assume I MUST be some flavor of christian because we're in the bible belt. like it doesn't even occur to them that I might not be. I have had people talk to me at previous jobs about how much jesus loves me and how he'll make things go well for me, and during those times I just kind of smiled and nodded along (I have to assume they want to tell me, specifically, these things because they see the Blue Hair and Pronouns vibes and feel...compelled...?? which like. lol???) like my mom took me being gay super well, much better than me telling her I wasn't a christian!! she CRIED over that!! and that didn't bother me so much because it's about me, right? and I don't care what happens to me after I die. it comes up a lot, where I am. people are fanatic about it, so I'm used to it.

but when it was about my precious dog, that really got me...the way those vets handled it was the only time I've been actively so annoyed and upset by it. the fact his pawprint came embedded in a little booklet thing that had a whole long ramble about how he's so happy and waiting for me to arrive REALLY upset me.

I totally get how 'she won't suffer anymore' could have set off the same thing, ugh, my heart goes out to you for that. funnily enough that was the only little phrase that DID bring me comfort. because my boy was suffering a lot his last few weeks, and not existing...put a stop to that pain. but it also put a stop to everything good, right? which sucks. like obviously I would have preferred him being ALIVE and not suffering, but that wasn't possible, so...that felt better than 'you'll see him again in heaven/he'll get to see jesus/rainbow road' stuff, in a way, for me. I just..knew it was his time and it would have been irresponsible and selfish for me to let him go slow and painfully.

it's just like...different things help different people. maybe the idea that dogs go to heaven helped the vets, as many animals as they likely put down, it makes it easier for them, I assume. and I'm glad if they had something like that to comfort them. I'm kind of jealous of it, honestly. I honestly want to give them a bit of grace for it, they were otherwise very kind and handled things well...

But they weren't the ones losing a best friend so they shouldn't have said it out loud. They can comfort themselves with that in their minds and keep things non-religious with clients. a very bitter and still-angry part of me wants to write the owner of that place a letter chewing them out for it. I won't but-- the idea of it makes me feel a little better lol. mentally being a karen and having a big dramatic fit in my brain only is very cathartic.

(I'm also open to the idea of reincarnation in some way, and I DO hope I can meet him again, somehow...it's just really really hard for me to imagine a christian 'heaven' scenario, lmao) I've been lucky enough to see him again in my dreams though, (those do still make me cry when I wake up and realize it wasn't real aaa ;_; ) and i'm lucky to have a lot of pictures and videos of him, as long as I'm alive he'll be alive in a sense, in my memories, and that's a lot of comfort. I can still speak fondly of him and see him in those ways, even if I'll never be able to really be with him again, never hold him again or play with him again. and I got 15 years with him, which I try to be grateful for. I tried my best to give him the best life I could. And I'll always have so many fond memories and so much love for him, and I'm sure the same goes for your kitty. <3

silly boy in his silly little hut ☝

[roeyliteratiforever]

I’m not sure if it’s been mentioned but I noticed a comment that supports a lot of the conversation on season four and how it shows how rory’s unable to move on.

when she’s out at the bar, and she’s with the man she’s been set up with, she tells dean afterwards that “I was just thinking, ‘These are the last people I would want to die in a car crash with’” and it’s not her intention but it connects back to the car ride and the fact that we see that he has haunted her for her whole freshman year. and it doesn’t seem to set in until her roommates tease her about it

she meets men that either remind her of him or she compares them (as much as she doesn’t want to) to him and what she felt with him. she wants to move on but she can’t and it serves to make her even more frustrated with it all because she desperately wants to be with him, and he knows that, but she’s afraid to open herself up because he’s too unreliable 

he was selfish and self destructive in that relationship and to be truthful, still wasn’t in a place to be with her when he asks her to come with him. neither of them would’ve been able to sustain a relationship in that situation. we know he will later on but not now.

and it all ties to how overwhelmed she is when he’s there and he asks her to come with him and she tells him she wants him to leave her alone (despite that’s what he’s done all season) because she’s been consumed with this for months. she wants peace from him and she can’t have it. 

Hi Anon!

I have thought about this sooo much! You have no idea! Everything Rory does is trying to distract her feelings and mind away from Jess but inevitably he still haunts her heart and mind, and she wants to let him go she needs to! She's so hurt and angry and completely understandable, but there's also the flip side of things where she doesn't feel she has the space to properly grieve her relationship with Jess, and so she pushes it down until when she sees him she literally starts to unravel and you can see all the pain and hurt she still has! Like you said everything she does in season 4 is because she is still so hurt but she does still love him and care about him but she doesn't want to anymore because all she knows is it hurts. I'm in the camp Rory was right to say no to Jess when he asked her to run away with him but you can tell how hard that was and how much she was still hurting. Her finding guys to date that look like, or have similar interests as, or certain traits of Jess is no coincidence. Jess was definitely still in the back of her mind she just didn't want him to be anymore so she was desperately trying to choke those feelings down until she finally has her breakdown. I do think part of her breakdown had something to do with Jess coming back and her not dealing with her feelings properly. I love how you caught that line "These are the last people I would want to die in a car crash with" and it related back to her car wreck with Jess! Literally everything she does says she still loves him but she doesn't want to anymore she has to let him go (at that time anyways) Everything you said is so spot on though! The way she acts in season 4 reminds me of how I was with my first heartbreak. She is me, I just want to hug her! 😢

[thedeepmiracleperfection]

Ok so I’ve literally been up all night without sleep after that good omens season finale because what the absolute fuck. And I was angry and kind of felt betrayed cause for me it was just so unexpected and what I felt to be out of character. But I’ve been doing a lot of thinking (literally not thinking about anything else) and I have to admit that upon further consideration the ending actually does fit their characters and their overall arc.

For both Crowley and Aziraphale, Hell and Heaven have acted as sort of abusive families. The difference between Crowley and Aziraphale, is that Crowley has always recognized the abuse for what it is, whereas Aziraphale is still very much in the “well sure they have problems but don’t we all? I mean I can’t just leave they’re my FAMILY” mentality. 

Crowley didn’t agree with the way Heaven was set up, so he voiced his opinion and was outcast for it. From that moment on his eyes were opened and he saw Heaven for what it was: hypocritical, controlling, and isolating. This is why he’s been able to let go of his ties to Heaven and has no desire to return. This is the equivalent of someone who has gone no-contact with abusive relatives. It’s normal and natural to grieve the relationship you had before, while also still recognizing that it was bad for you and you’re better off having set boundaries and putting yourself first. Before Crowley was offered a chance for “redemption”, one could have made the argument that he was a little bit in denial. That maybe his whole “I don’t want to be forgiven, not ever” bit was only because he knew he’d never have the chance. But now, having been offered Heaven and still refusing, it shows that he knows Heaven is abusive and toxic, and he knows that it’s healthier and safer for him and Aziraphale to not give them any more opportunities to mess with their lives. He wants to maintain no-contact, because that’s what’s best for them.

And I think a lot of people overestimated the journey Aziraphale made in season one. Going against Heaven’s orders and doing what he believed was right even if it didn’t line up with Heaven’s ideology was the first step towards independence. Their success in saving the world bolstered Aziraphale’s confidence in his judgement of right vs wrong and good vs evil, but in doing so made him more firm in his incorrect beliefs than before. Because the question in his mind was never whether or not Heaven was inherently good, but whether they were doing things Right. I think by the end of season one, Aziraphale realized that just because Heaven is good, doesn’t mean they know what they’re doing and doesn’t mean that everything an Angel does is the Right or Good thing. He never took the next step and questioned WHY that is, and whether the flaws in Heaven were perpetuated by those in power. I think that’s why now he believes that he can change things if he’s put in charge. The fact that the world was saved has given him false confidence that he was actually right about goodness and evil and only reaffirmed his belief that Heaven isn’t the problem, Angles are. The system isn’t broken, it’s just been led astray by a few bad apples.

And it really is hard to hate Aziraphale. Because we and Crowley know that he’s only doing what he truly believes to be right. He doesn’t have malicious intent, he doesn’t want power, he truly wants to do good. But he’s also incredibly insecure and naïve, and will jump at the opportunity to do things which reinforce his beliefs and not examine if it’s truly the right thing or if it’s what he wants the right thing to be. And when he visibly hurts those around him, namely Crowley, he convinces himself that they’re being wrong and difficult instead of questioning himself or his reasoning. 

In other words, he’s a bit of a selfish coward. And the tragic thing is that it’s intentional. That’s what systems of oppression do. They make you frightened and insecure and perpetuate the idea that the way to make things Better is to reinforce the system, not stray away from it. They make you turn on your neighbor. They make you believe that if you just do things the right way and play by all the rules you can escape punishment, but you never will. They’ll just change the rules on you. Because the truth is that you’ll never be safe, they don’t want you to be safe, because then you’re harder to control and you’ll leave. But he doesn’t know that. Not yet. 

I actually think that them breaking up, as tragic as it is, is good for the both of them. Aziraphale has a lot of internal work he needs to do, and while as a partner Crowley could help him with that, Aziraphale is still being fearful and selfish and not considering the feelings of those around him, so Crowley would just be opening himself up to further hurt and rejection. Crowley needs to take a step back and stop coddling Aziraphale and let him struggle on his own for a bit. It was done out of love, and not wanting to see Aziraphale get hurt, but Crowley really fucked himself over by not letting Aziraphale ever fully experiencing Heaven’s hypocrisy. He’s protected and shielded him, but also sheltered him and therefore made it easier for Aziraphale to run back to Heaven. I’m not saying it’s Crowley’s fault or trying to blame him or anything, but I think it’s time for Aziraphale to stand on his own two feet and struggle without Crowley at his beck and call to catch him when he metaphorically (or perhaps literally) falls. They need to be their own people for a while while Aziraphale decides what it is he wants and so Crowley can have distance to heal from his own trauma without always prioritizing Aziraphale’s feelings.

[jfleamont]

Here's a long snippet (936 words) from my new WIP, All Things Must Pass (but it could also be read as a standalone microfic)

The sky wasn’t as grey as it was supposed to be, she thought, too bright for a late November morning. It didn’t make sense that she could still feel the tepid sun on her face, yet she couldn’t see it. It was all wrong.

Sirius was on the bench, clearly waiting for her to sit next to him, but not looking at her. His face was a mirror of her own, eyes full of unshed tears. As she sat to his right, his hands gripped the bench, knuckles white, and he sighed deeply.

“I wish I could take back what I said yesterday,” he spoke, his voice hoarse. “Remus was angry, understandably so. He’s right. I think I was just trying to make sense of... everything. I shouldn't have said any of it.”

“Sirius...”

Any of it? He loved you, Sirius had said. It wasn’t true, then? Maybe it was for the best. The thought that he might have reciprocated her feelings had kept her up all night: if she had told him, maybe he would have dreamt of a future together, only for his dream to be torn apart and crushed. If she had told him, perhaps he'd still be here.

No, James hadn't loved her. Not like that. It should have been a relief, but it didn't feel like that.

“No, listen. I'm just a self-absorbed prick at the end of the day. I'm not like him, never been. There's no right way to react to this. I shouldn't be telling you how to grieve,” he paused, letting go of the bench, clenching his fist and opening it again, repeating the motion a couple of times. “And it's none of my business if you decide to never step inside that house, okay?”

Lily shook her head and placed a hand on his arm, and he relaxed slightly. “You were right, though, I should go back. You're doing so much, taking care of everyone... Meanwhile I break down every time I think about our flat, because it's just a flat now. It doesn't even feel mine if it's not his, you know?”

A look of disgust appeared on Sirius' face. “Is this place better?”

“Just different. I have no memories of him here,” Lily shrugged, eyes fixed on the gravel she was moving gently with her feet.

“He would have hated it,” he added. There wasn't a hint of a smile on his face.

She nodded to the ground. “He would.”

She had escaped this very house and ended up at his, and never looked back. He wouldn't be too happy about the fact that she was back at Petunia's house, even if it was just for a few days.

But he wasn't there, he had no say in this. All her thoughts felt pointless.

“Lily?”

His mention of her name brought her back to reality. “Hmm?”

“You said I'm taking care of everyone.”

She cocked her head, confused. “Because you are.”

“That's what it looks like but really, I'm doing it for myself. All these things... Going after Peter, arranging the funeral, going home for the next few days with Fleamont and Euphemia... I'm just trying to make up for it.”

“Make up for what?”

“For the fact that it wasn't me.”

Guilt. There it was. The sneaky bastard.

“Don't be ridiculous.”

“I'm not joking. James was the one who welcomed me into that house. Maybe if I stick around they won't leave me behind, right? I’m just selfish. But I keep thinking that if he's not there, then why should I be? My mere existence will remind them of his absence.”

He was looking at the sky, and she noticed his face was wet, and she hated it. No one was supposed to be left behind by their family and he sounded so certain that it was going to happen, again. She couldn't bear it.

“That’s not how it works! And do you really think they want you out of their lives? Do you actually think they want to lose you, too? You're family, Sirius. They love you.”

He scoffed. “Yeah, but it's not the same, is it? I’m not their child, I will never be, and that’s fine, they love me so much already, and I’m not asking them to‒ I’m not asking them anything. But this, this is the worst case scenario for them. They'd get over my death. If it was between me and him... They would never let James die, and you'd choose him, too, Lily.”

“Stop! You can’t think like that,” Lily sat up, turning her back to him.

Sirius walked up to her. “Come on, don’t tell me you haven’t thought about it. It wouldn’t hurt as much if I were the one who got killed.”

That look of defeat didn't belong on his face, and that made Lily unbelievably angry.

“You’re being mean.”

“I’m being truthful.”

He didn't look resentful. He had said it so matter-of-factly, as if he truly believed that. What's worse, he had accepted it.

But she hadn't. She closed the distance and wrapped her arms around him in a hug that he immediately returned. A sob escaped her, but she soldiered on.

“Wrong. But I’m not going to argue with you, it will get us nowhere. No, you’re just trying to find a meaning in all of this. As am I. Don’t punish yourself, Sirius, it won’t make it easier. For anyone.”

She thought she'd heard him snort. “You sound like James.”

“Perhaps I spent too much time around him,” she replied, and immediately regretted it.

“It wasn’t enough.”

“No, it wasn’t.”