#so now what? i have to be toxic toward myself forever just so I'm not toxic to anyone else?

[breadstickroll]

Why is it so fucking hard for me to grasp the concept that my actions can affect other people

[cherryswisherz]

roles reversed

toxic!paige x toxic!reader

warnings: smut, sub!paige, reader pushed paige into a wall, toxic toxic toxic situationship (LEAVE THEM IT NEVER ENDS WELL)

based on this req

"we be on some toxic shit, but i cannot get off this bitch"

forever (lil baby ft. fridayy, 2022)

-

this girl got me fucked up. 

"so let me get this straight." i asked, rubbing my temples because paige was giving me a fucking migraine. "you thought that i had a thing for your teammate.... so you FUCKED SOMEONE ELSE?"

"okay when you put it like that-" 

"THERES NO OTHER FUCKING WAY TO PUT IT PAIGE!" i was full on screaming at this point. "HOW MANY TIMES DO I NEED TO TELL YOU THAT I'M NOT NOR AM I GOING TO FUCK SOMEONE ELSE?" 

"bro stop yelling at me." 

she was making demands right now? 

oh she has life all the way fucked up.

"get the fuck out paige."  i shook my head and began to walk to my room. 

i had to just end it.

that situationship shit was for the fucking birds and i had to protect my peace because if i handled it was gonna end up in fucking prison. 

"baby no, let's talk about this."

"oh i'm baby now?" i scoffed at this. "was i baby when you were fucking that girl? was i baby when you chose not to ask the simplest fucking question, and instead chose to step out on the rule that you  created?" i asked walking closer to her, with my fists clenched because at that point...

i needed that.

"or am i only baby when you need a rough fuck?" her eyes flicked from mine to my lips, which only further irritated me. "am im only baby after you've called me every other name in the book?" her tongue darted out against her bottom lip as i finally reached her, standing directly in front of her, daring her to break the eye contact i'd established. "you only want me when no one else is willing to let you do shit we do." i shoved her, making her stumble. 

"yo." she says, still holding eye contact. "chill out."

yeah i'm finna whoop her muhfuckin ass. 

"bro on my mama you got me fucked up." i muttered and start pushing her as hard as i could, saying whatever came to my mind. 

"you wanna fuck bitches now?" shove "that's what you wanna do?" shove "you wanna fuck them and then come here and fuck me like im just an afterthought?" shove "get the fuck out!" and then finally her back met the wall next to my door and i felt like i'd accomplished something.

....that was until she put me in a bear hug, making it damn near impossible to move. "y/n, stop bro!"

i used all my strength and ripped myself out of her hold. "NO YOU STOP!" i yelled. "do you have any idea how fucking annoying you fucking are bro?" i asked trying to catch my breath. "how the fuck do you sit there and make the 'no fucking other people' rule and then turn around and break it? you fucking slut."

 "i'm a slut?" she asked, smirking a little, but at this point i didn't give a damn. i was gonna say what i needed to say and then be done with this whole thing. 

"yes. a slut. a whore. whatever you wanna call yourself." i said, crossing my arms. "you never wanted to be exclusive. you just wanted me to be yours and only yours. but you wanna go give away everything that's mine. you're community pussy at this point." 

she practically howled at that. "community pussy is crazy." this bitch was laughing in my fucking face-

next thing i knew i was running towards her ready to molly whop her ass. 

"okay! okay! chillchillchillchill!" she put her hands up before i got to her, which made me stop. "what can i do to fix this?"

easy. 

"ask me to be your girlfriend." 

"anything but that." 

this is exactly why i was trying to smack her. because she's one of them dumb hoes. she just said 'what can i do?'... 

just stupid. 

all of a sudden an idea hit me. 

"let me fuck you." i crossed my arms and smirked because i knew she would give me the upper hand if i wanted it.  

paige wasn't a stone top. she was a switch, she just didn't do it often because i was the og pillow princess. but not today. today i was gonna do what she'd been doing to me for almost 6 months. 

ruin her. 

"oh?" she grinned. "you wanna top me baby?"

"i really wanna beat your ass but martin luther king said violence isn't the answer and i listen to my ancestors... so yes, this will do."

she chuckled a little which irked the fuck out of me but then she plopped on the couch and manspread. "do your worst." 

she had no fucking idea what my worst was.

i climbed in her lap and her hands moved to my ass but i quickly shut that down and pinned them to the couch on either side of her. then i proceeded to take her shirt and sports bra off so that her top half was completely bare. 

i took a moment to admire her. leaving paige alone would have honestly been so much easier if she was ugly but unfortunately, she's hand crafted by jesus himself, so here i was... delusional and pissed off again. 

i start with her neck, soft kisses at first, then as i felt her breathing pick up i switched to longer, more sensual movements and grind into her lap, smiling at the way her hips buck up. i place a hand on her collarbones and slide them down to her tits, kneading them and relishing in the whimpers escaping paiges lips. 

she tried to close her legs as my hands travel further down her body. 

"spread your legs." i demanded. 

she blinked a few times, her blue eyes finding mine. she looked like she couldn't comprehend what i was saying, but when i slid my hand across the space of her lap between us, she complied, eagerly spreading her legs for me. 

a soft sigh from her lips as my hands slipped past the waistband of her briefs and grazed her core. 

"yes, fuck," she breathed out, arching into my fingers that ran circles around her clit. so impatient. a moan fell from her lips as i sped up my pace, making her legs spread further as she chased her orgasm. 

which she seemed desperate for. that much was obvious by how gloriously wet she was for me. 

she gripped the cushions of my couch, moaning even louder when i slid two fingers into her. 

"right there" she breathed rolling her eyes closed as i hit her spot. she moaned especially loud when i curled my fingers into her. i felt her legs grow tight under me, which  made me want to smile with pride for myself. 

"how you feel p?" i felt her tighten around my fingers as i spoke. 

"close- im so close and- shit - it feels so good." she breathed out, chest rising and falling with each breath. 

i curled my fingers deeper inside of her to hit that spongy spot and soaked in the cry she let out. 

then i slid out of her.  leaving her hanging. 

"now how do you feel?" i asked. 

the look on paiges face was murderous and pained at the same time. like she hated this but she was gonna put up with it anyway. 

"like you're not done yet." 

i smiled. "not even close babe." i patted her thigh, stepping off of her lap. "go to my bed and wait for me." 

as i sauntered off into my hallway closet to t get he batteries i needed, i heard the soft patters of paiges sock covered feet hurrying to my bedroom. 

i grabbed the batteries and walked into my room to find paige sitting at the foot of my bed, rid of her bottoms, feet tapping the ground in what, im assuming, anticipation. 

i moved so i was standing directly in front of her, grabbing her jaw and pulling her into a kiss that even had me ready to let this whole thing go. 

luckily though, i had enough willpower to pull away and walk to my night stand. 

"lay down for me p." and she did. 

watching her like this was almost painful. bare, toned body layed out on my bed, and she was doing everything i'd asked without a second thought. 

i lived for this shit.

i was pulled out of my thoughts when paige asked what i was gonna do.

great fucking question. 

 i took my time, looking in the drawer of my nightstand, which held all of the things paige had often used to bring me to my highest points. 

not that she need them.

i decided to keep it simple and nabbed the black bullet shaped toy then made my way back to the gorgeous piece of woman that was losing her mind in my bed. 

"legs wider apart." i heard her breathe sharply as she drummed her fingers on her toned stomach. 

she was excited which made me feel a little bit better about what i was about to do. 

setting the toy down on bed beside paige, i knelt down so i was face to face with her core that was still primed from her denied orgasm earlier. 

god she was sooooo... FUCK.

"you're always acting like i'm just a quick fuck to you p." i ran two fingers up her folds, ignoring the whimper she let out, "and i don't know why." i slid a finger into her and leaned down so i fell face first into her pussy. 

her eyes rolled back as i rubbed circles on her clit and pumped in and out of her with increasing speed. 

her back arched off the bed when i added a second finger and attached my lips to her clit, sucking lightly but i used my free hand to hold her hips her place. 

i pulled back long enougt to say "watch." 

with hooded eyes she stares down at me like i had hung the moon and stars myself. 

as she fucking should.

loud moans echoed around the room as she leaned further into my touch and i knew she was getting close. 

but she wasn't getting off that easy. 

she whined my name the second i'd stopped touching her. 

but i only laughed as turned it on the vibrator, giggling when her previously shut eyes flew open. 

"baby-" she was cut off by her own gasp, jerking forward when i tapped the vibrator against her clit. 

"don't. cum." standing up so i was looking down at her i asked the million dollar question. "i wanna know why you don't wanna be my girlfriend." i murmured, teasing her her folds. "just give me your point of view." 

i knew how she was feeling because i'd been in this very position so many times before. I knew she probably couldn't even think straight, let alone speak, but that wasn't gonna stop me from fucking with her. 

she whimpered as i dipped the vibrator inside of her. 

"speak, paige." i demanded, sliding the toy back out of her, only to run it over her puffy clit earning me a frustrated groan. 

"because you're you and i'm me- shit-" she moaned, arching off the bed again as i held the vibrator softly on her clit. "w-we're just- fuck- so different and i don't wanna..." she trailed off when i applied more pressure. 

"don't what?" i forced out, admiring the way her hands were gripping my sheets. 

when she didn't answer me i turned the vibration up a notch, soaking in the moans and whimpers she gave me.  

"please," she pleaded as her legs began trembling. 

"you just have to give an answer paige and i'll let you cum." i replied, turning the vibrator up again. 

with a deep moans she finally gave in. "i don't wanna lose you" she basically sobbed. 

 that's all i needed.

"cum for me paige." 

her eyes slammed shut and her head flew back as her whole body shook. guttural moans left her throat as she fell apart in front of me. 

it was beautiful, really. 

when she'd ridden her orgasm out, i tossed the vibrator on the bed and laid between her legs that wrapped around my waist. kissing her deeply, and pushing her hair out of her face, i fought the smile that was forming. 

right now wasn't about proving my point. it was about grounding paige. 

her eyes were glazed over as she stared at the ceiling, catching her breath. and then after a few seconds, her hands slithered around my waist, under my shirt. 

with a sigh, she her eyes met mine and she began talking. "of course i want you to be mine. i think.... i think i'm just scared i'm gonna fuck it up and you're gonna be done with me for real."

"you're gonna lose me regardless if you don't figure this shit out p." i said, pulling up so i was straddling her naked body. "i can't keep doing this shit. this was never just sex and you going out doing whatever with whoever is fucking me up a little." 

"i know mama." she said, pulling me back so i was flush against her chest, hugging me tightly "i'm gonna work on it, i swear." 

and even though it sounded nice in the moment, i knew she was full of shit. she'd never change, and i knew it. 

but a piece of me never wanted to stop trying. 

niyah speaks may this type of love never find you guys

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[burningstrangerkingdom]

Jealousy

Charles Leclerc x reader Summary: It's not that easy to date one of the most handsome faces in the world. Notes: Based on the song Pienso en tu mirá - Rosalia

Jealousy was not in your nature for the simple reason that you had researched too much about it, as well as to understand that this feeling is the first step needed to transform a beautiful relationship into a toxic and inhospitable environment, you had read it in various sources and had reinforced it through the experiences of your friends.

Even so, and although you gave everything of yourself to avoid it, a terrible feeling of fear flooded your being every time Charles walked out the door, fortunately for you the gesture you made to want to hold him a few more moments before leaving, far from seeming invasive she found it adorable.

Once again, Charles left his apartment, this time heading towards the golf course where his brothers, Pierre and Joris were already waiting for him to spend a relaxing afternoon with the boys.

"See you later, chérie", he said goodbye, leaving a small kiss on your lips.

As usual, you joined hands when he kissed you and, as usual, when you had to separate for him to continue on his way, you hesitaded letting him go.

"What's wrong, mon cour?" He said with a little smile.

"About what?" You ask, pretending you don't understand what he meant.

"This", he pointed to your index finger still clinging to the palm of his left hand.

"Nah, it's just silly", you gave him a reassuring smile that didn't serve it's purpose.

"No, it's not silly, it must mean something, and I'm not complaining. I really like feeling your love, but it's something I've been noticing a lot lately and I want you to know that you can tell me anything."

"I don't want you to be late for the boys, you go with them and when you return I'll tell you", trying to distract him you started to play with the rings on his fingers.

He pretended to think about it but he turned around and sat on the sofa making you sit on him, "Don't leave me wondering, Y/N, tell me please", he said now more seriously and the look on his eyes gave you no choice but to speak your mind right away, those gorgeous eyes always did their trick on you.

You let out a breath and whispered "I'm scared, Charles."

Suddenly the smile on his face faded and his place was taken by a frown of concern. "Scared of what, Y/N?"

With your eyes closed, you let out another sigh and then looked directly into his eyes as you placed one of your hands on his heart and the other intertwined with his fingers, "That one of the times you go out you don't come back to me, Charles. I'm afraid of the effect that your angelic appearance causes on others, and don't get me wrong, I don't intend to lock you up by my side forever and I love your independence, it's not that I doubt the love you have for me… it's just that all these feelings are so new to me, I've never experienced them with anyone else."

Your eyes were glossy as you let out those overwhelmed thoughts that rounded on your mind, "I'm jealous, Charles, a kind of jealousy that comes more from envy of everyone and everything, of people who see you from afar even when you walk together me, the water that runs through your body even when we take showers together, the fraction of a second in which a morning craving takes over your mind, everything, Charles. Even if I try to limit myself, I can't help but want to be everything to you , and I'm afraid that maybe this will make you walk away from me forever."

He listened attentively to those thoughts and feelings that torment you and, by the time you completely removed them from your chest, he raised your clasped hands and deposited a series of kisses on your knuckles.

"I understand what you're saying, mon âme", your hopeful gaze looked at him more intensely, "I understand you because I feel that way about you too, it's just that I'm not good enough to put it into words just like you just did, so I thank you for translating my mind and for loving me the same way that I love you… And I want you to know that there is nothing wrong with feeling as intensely as we both do, I know that right now society seeks to balance everything it can to make it more pragmatic, but we are talking about feelings, our feelings. And for me it is important that you know that in our relationship we can be ourselves, we do not have to limit ourselves in any way."

At the end of their confessions, you both had tears running down your cheeks, however, none of you rushed to get rid of them as had happened on previous occasions, since this time those tears would not come from negative feelings but from an excess of love that flooded your hearts. seeing its opportunity to come out in watery form.

"I love you so much Charles Marc Hervé Leclerc".

He poured all his love for you in a breathtaking kiss that made you feel the purest places of his soul.

"I love you so much Y/N".

Thank you so much for reading, any kind of interaction is highly apreciated

[iovetecchou]

If I Can't Have You... ⧸ Jouno Saigiku

༞ Part 1. Part 2. Part 3.

Contains..! angst, hurt no comfort, toxic relationship, detailed descriptions of anxiety, confessions, regrets, slight physical abuse, happy ending (for one of them...)

GN Reader.

1,237 words.

As Jouno aimlessly walked the block, his mind reeled. The remorse was eating away at him as the seconds passed. He didn't think you would take this so hard, and as much as he hated to admit it, this was all his fault.

That unnerving feeling crept up his spine, becoming increasingly more intolerable.

He knew this was beyond repair- you were beyond repair. He had to let you go. He just had to.

The moment he reached the apartment door, Jouno froze. His hand ghosted over the doorknob. He secretly hoped that when he opened it, you would be there. The 'you' Jouno remembered and… tolerated.

As he pulled the door open, stepping through the threshold of his home, a wave of anxiety washed over him. Something that wasn't very common for Jouno.

"Oh, Saigiku… you're home already?"

You deadpanned, approaching closer to a seemingly distressed Jouno. His head was hanging low, shoulders tense.

"Y/N… I…"

His words caught in his throat. Jouno didn't want to let you go; you were his. But things couldn't go on like this.

"What is it, Saigiku?"

He struggled to swallow that lump in his throat. You used to say his name with enthusiasm. But now it sounded stale, tumbling from your lips.

"I need to let you go."

Your breath hitched, finally showing some semblance of vitality.

"But you said,"

"I know what I said. But Y/N, this has gone too far."

Your heart sank into your stomach. Jouno's words pulled you out of your funk in an instant. But something was wrong. His words didn't offer any form of relief, only more dread.

"I don't understand… I thought this was what you wanted. So what? Now you're just throwing me away? Like, like, I'm nothing?"

You took a step back from Jouno. Your voice was so frail. It felt as though you got punched in the gut. All you could do was gasp for air as the blood in your veins went frigid.

Jouno's head shot up at the sound of your tumultuous state. He took quick strides toward you as you slumped to the unforgiving hardwood floor.

"Y/N… It's not like that,"

Jouno kneeled before you. Swiping away tears you had failed to notice freckling your cheeks.

"Then what is it like, hm?"

You shout, finding your voice as the lump within your throat eased up. Your shaky hands come up to seize Jouno's, that still cradle your cheeks.

"Do not touch me."

You harshly tugged his hands down, solidifying your words. Jouno's anxiety continued to build as you rejected him. He never was on the receiving end, let alone from you.

"You're not nothing… I…"

You observed his distressed face as he desperately searched for the right words. Admitting his faults seemed more challenging than anything else.

"Y/N I lied, okay. I lied- everything I've done was to keep you by my side forever. I wanted you all to myself because I- I love you."

You shot up from your spot on the ground. Your hopelessness morphed into a blinded rage.

"Don't give me that! You don't love me- if you loved me, you would have never done this to me. I trusted you, I believed in you, I loved you! What you call love is nothing more than a means to manipulate me. Keep me right where you want me, forever. If you think that's love, I feel sorry for you."

Jouno was stagnant, mouth agape as he let your words sink in. They rattled him to the core.

He let his fears and insecurities of losing you warp into something malicious. He knew now that everything he had done to you was despicable.

But it was too late.

No amount of 'I'm sorry' could ever mend this.

"You want to let me go? Fine, so be it. But now you're the one who has to live with your choices. I hope that regret eats away at you for as long as you live."

You pulled your phone from your pocket. Calling the one person you knew could help you out of this situation.

"Wh- what are you doing? Who are you calling?"

Jouno crawled over toward you. Grabbing at your ankles as you continued your call. Refusing to waste your breath on answering his questions. Knowing he would recognize the voice coming from the other end regardless.

You tugged your legs away from Jouno's feeble grasp. You ended the call before making your way toward the bedroom. You were determined to get your things and get out as soon as possible.

"Wait! When I said I wanted to let you go, I didn't mean right now. You can't leave me just yet!"

He followed you into the bedroom like a lost puppy. All Jouno could do was listen as you grabbed a duffle, shoving all your belongings inside.

"Frankly, I don't care what you want anymore."

Your words were callous. Jouno could barely process how fast you were slipping through his fingers.

"Stop- please. I can't live without you."

Hearing Jouno's shaky voice as he sobbed out for you was startling. His desperation was something you never thought you would see, especially for your sake.

All Jouno ever did was make you feel worthless. He made you feel less than, that you weren't good enough for anyone. You were especially not good enough for Jouno, and he reminded you of that every time he could.

But now?

He's begging you not to leave, saying he can't live without you?

You felt beyond confused. You knew you needed to leave this apartment and get as far away from Jouno as humanly possible.

"You should have thought about that before you broke me down and hurt me. Time and time again. Teruko should be here soon. She'll get the rest of my things tomorrow."

Jouno grasped your shoulders with an iron grip. He halted your movements as he pleaded for you to stop.

"Please, Y/n! I know I fucked up. I'll be better, I promise. Just stay!"

You winced as his grip on you tightened further.

"Saigiku, let go of me!"

You could feel your blood vessels bursting from where the pads of his thumbs pressed into the sensitive flesh of your arms.

Even now, Jouno still tried to control you. Keep you complacent forever.

"Oi! They said let go, asshole!"

Teruko's voice sent a wave of relief through your whole being. You watched as she barged past the bedroom door, ripping Jouno's hands off you before grabbing your hand. Teruko dragged you behind her petite frame as she glared at Jouno up and down.

"Put your hands on them again, and I'll kill ya. Got that, asshole?"

Teruko solidified her threat with a swift punch to Jouno's jaw. You watched as he pathetically slumped down to the floor. He nursed his throbbing cheek as he listened to your and Teruko's footprints descend the hall.

Jouno's sobs wracked his entire being as he heard the apartment door slam shut.

You were gone for good.

No longer would Jouno hear your laughter or your heartbeat quicken as you read an excerpt from your favorite book.

He will never taste your magnificent meals again nor be greeted by you each night after a long day.

The reality of the situation caused aversion to course through his veins.

He would never see you again.

Jouno had to live with the fact that this was all his fault.

You reap what you sow after all, huh?

woohooo full circle! jouno got what was coming to him btw... hope you all enjoyed this series! thank you all so much for supporting me up til this point! xoxox

taglist: @samicamy-13 @anya-lautner @deadflycomputerlogs @mizu-san @canrdsf @keiaoi811 @budijojo @jdksnxks-hsbs

[posttexasstressdisorder]

Where we go from here...

It took me awhile last evening to get my mind in the right place to do the baking I had to do. I thought I would put on some music on my little radio station to kick my head into work mode. Tried some Glenn Gould playing Bach (always a go-to for morning coffee music), and it didn't hit right.

So I dialed up the huge mix I have titled "1969-72" and almost immediately started the long road back to feeling like myself. After about a half-hour, I was in the groove. Listened to the mix far into the night, after I'd finished working.

I managed to keep my focus and got the cookies all baked, and kiddo's mom happily packed them up and just left for her party, and I'm over here for the next couple of nights, sadly for my back. Two nights of "No Mattress For Old Men" and I'll need a week to recover, but hey...

Wanna thank all y'all for your comments and messages when I posted that I was prolly just gonna go black. Y'all loved me back off the ledge. Posted in a moment of true despair...something I haven't felt in awhile. I am hurting for all of us...and all of you. I have never in my long life been scared for the nation until now. Or at least that's what I thought. This feeling of complete despair, the emotional pain of millions of people, the hopelessness, the fear for the future...after I sat with it awhile I realized yes, that I have felt this same combination of toxic shit before.

In the 65 years I've been on this stinkin' rock, I've been through a number of particularly devastating previous elections, most notably the two Bush2(Dumbya) regimes. I remember the night of the 2004 election...Americans were posting tearful photos taken by their webcams, with them holding up signs saying "We're sorry."

I saw first-hand all the fights for rights that we have gained from the early '60s onward. To find ourselves set back to square one, 50-60 years later, when we had finally gained some footing toward fairness, is cruel. And cruelty is what they will wield as their main weapons in the coming days, as we suddenly find ourselves in the same predicament as 1963-65 when a virginal Joan Baez and little Bobby Dylan changed protest music forever.

So yes, I have felt this same way, and no, the nation didn't die or descend into complete chaos. Our lives went on, essentially as they had, with a growing pile of "things we can't do anymore" heaped atop via the collective wounding of 9/11.

This is another collective wounding--an intentional collective wounding. The next few months are going to be chaotic, they will try to push through their agenda as quickly as possible come january.

I may not post much overtly political stuff from this point on, but if I do it will be refocused on positive news. I don't know for certain how long that might last, but I can't take a 24/7 barrage of bad news and outrage bait. I'm probably gonna unfollow a few blogs, but don't think it's personal...it is Mental/Emotional Health Care.

And yes, I've been in the trenches with y'all a long time...we are all Family at this point...Brothers and Sisters in arms. I'm not leaving, but my presence/role will be different, out of the renewed sense of self-preservation this has thrust me into.

I woke up disoriented, but quickly remembered I'd gotten what I needed to get done done, and had a slow re-entry, sipping my coffee for a couple hours. I kept remembering how well the music had helped me last night, and then the beginnings of what this might turn into began to coalesce. Concepts of a plan. lulz.

As the day went on, I've been on a roller-coaster, emotionally, with seemingly hopeful leads on a roommate not materializing, on top of my craigslist ad for a roomie getting flagged and deleted. Pretty goddamn hopeless as far as this situation is going.

Looked at the huge box of cookies I'd managed to bake last night and it hit me. I've been reblogging the "Gooood Morning, TUMBLR!" graphics every morning up until the election. The image of Robin Williams being in character calling up the role of the military DJ.

Back when I did my cafe in the mountains of NM, a friend lent me a book called "Radio Venceramos", about South American rebels who had a radio transmitter and clamped the leads to the barbed-wire fences to broadcast their signal/programming to their fellow rebels.

Still not sure how the format will work out, but I've decided: my new role is going to primarily be the voice of inspiration over the air-waves to my fellow rebels. Not sure if it will be a second blog or if it will be a continuation of PTSD, but with no further ado, I will become the Voice of my fellow rebels with:

I may make a second blog out of it, but until then I guess I'll make it a series of posts. Tumblr will let you blog up to ten videos/post, and that may be how I start things out. Consider them like stacks of 45s and LP tracks from my paul-shaffer-brain...meant to help keep spirits up and keep the focus.

Made a couple of graphics, will probably try others in the course of it.

So the message today was "You did what you had to do. Heal up for what's ahead."

I will probably start this new focus in the morning...I'm still chewin'.

[themultifandomgal]

From 2010- On The Road Again Tour Pt1

Part 47

2015

4th February

“Have you got every thing?” dad asks as I zip up my suit case

“I think so. If I have forgotten any thing I’ll just get it when I get to Sydney”

“Ok. What time is Harry picking you up?” I look at the watch on my wrist

“In about 10 minutes” dad sighs making me frown “what?”

“I just… you’re going on tour again, I barely get to see you now”

“I know dad, but this is my job”

“They just seem to demand a lot out of all of you. You’re just shy of 21 and you’ve done nothing but work since you were 17”

“I love what I do dad. I promise I’m happy. I’m tired sure and we all know that the band won’t last forever. I don’t know how long we will go on for, but I’m ok dad” dad then pulls me into his arms and gives me a huge hug

“I love you pumpkin”

“I love you to dad” my phone chimes. It’s a text off Harry telling me he’s outside waiting “see you soon”

*photo credit to @harianadarling on tumblr

7th February- Sydney

“Just ignore him. He wants to upset you before you go on stage” Liam tells me

“Well he’s doing a damn good job. God why did I get myself mixed up in this?”

“You were vulnerable after Alex and he comforted you” Harry gives me a weak smile “he’s not worth your tears”

“I don’t care if he doesn’t like me, but why spread shit online?”

“Because he’s an ass” Louis wraps an arm around my shoulder and squeezes it in a comforting way

“I just feel like crap”

“I know, but one day karma will come back to bite him. So until that day arrives, let’s go out there where there’s thousands of people who love you and have a good night” Niall says to me

“Ok. Your right. If he wants to act like a child and be petty he can” I wipe the tears off my face “let’s go” I get up from the sofa and start to head towards the door of my room

“Woah ok before you do you may want to fix your mascara”

“Oh yeah” I giggle at Harry’s comment.

I put on a brave face that night and end up actually enjoying myself and for a few hours forgetting that my ex is bitching about me behind my back.

14th February- Melbourne

“Whose idea was it to do a show on the worst day of the year?” I groan backstage listing to the crowd screaming. Louis chuckles next to me

“It’s only the worst day because your single”

“Not true” I cross my arms but know he is telling the truth completely

“YN close your eyes” Harry says

“Why?” I frown at him

“Just do it” Zayn says rolling his eyes

“Fine” I close my eyes begrudgingly. I hear some rustling then I’m told by Zayn to open

“Happy Galantine’s Day” Emma is stood holding a bouquet of flowers

“What are you doing here?”

“Couldn’t let my best friend spend today on her own now could I”

“But I’m not on my own” I laugh taking the flowers

“I’ll go then shall?” She jokes

“No. I'm glad your here” I pull her into a hug

“Good. Now go and put on a show”

19th February

“I was always compared to her ex, and after a while I knew I would never be able to be as good as him in her eyes. The relationship was toxic, I felt trapped in a cycle” I read a quote from an interview with Liam “what the fuck. I never compared him to Alex. Yes the relationship was toxic but that wasn’t my fault was it?” I ask Harry frowning

“No course not”

“Then why is he saying all these lies about me? Listen ‘she would beg me to stay and I did because I loved her, but it was wrong. I know I wasn’t the only man in her life and it’s clear now from photos I’ve seen’ what photos? The ones of us at the airport? Why is he doing this? Why does he want me to be the bad guy? If he didn’t speak on our relationship then neither of us would look bad. I need to put a statement out”

“No you’re not” Simon says over the phone “that’s what he wants, you to retaliate”

“Simon’s right. He’s the one talking crap. Remember what Niall said?”

“Karma will come for him” I breath out “fine I won’t say anything yet, but I need to get all of this out somehow”

“Here” Harry hands me my notebook “get those thoughts out”

20th February- Perth

"There all waiting at the back door" Paul walks into the boys dressing room where I am pacing up and down feeling really anxious. I’ve been getting a lot of hate at the moment with all of Liams recent statements

“Can’t we go out the front way?” Zayn asks

“No they’re there as well. Safest is back door and straight into the car”

“Fine” I feel tears pooling at my eyes but try to hold them back. We make our way to the back door where I can hear fans and paparazzi. Paul opens the door and I walk out with Harry in front of me and the other boys behind me

“YN is it true?”

“YN did you cheat?”

“You shouldn’t have let Liam on”

“Liams better without you!”

I try blocking everything out but it’s hard. I feel a hand in mine, I don’t need to look up to recognise Harry’s rings. He pulls me into the waiting car, shouting being muffled by the doors finally shutting when the others get into the car as well

“This is getting ridiculous” Zayn sight leaning into the chair “I hate it”

“If you hate it imagine how YNs feeling” Harry snaps

“Dude” Niall shakes his head as I try to breath through the tears now leaking

“Sorry. How you holding up?”

“Let it out if you need” Liam says. With that the tears come faster.

[firgri]

Satoru! You can't treat my friends like that! - you just chuckled, looking at him with a frown in your eyes.

"God, why do you even need other people when you have me?"Gojo asked himself this question every time, trying to suppress the terrible feeling in his soul. He could, of course, apologize, but it was not in his

nature to do so..

You owe them an apology! - you hissed again. - They didn't even do anything to you! And you, again, insulted them for nothing! - you have already spilled out with a note of toxicity in your voice.

- If you treat them so terribly, then I will stop playing and talking to you anymore!- you chuckled and turned your head in the other direction, trying to show more with your appearance that you are not joking.

- What??!!!?  Satoru said too loudly.

- I will not apologize to them! It's their own fault that they're taking your attention away! - He said, puffing out his cheeks at the same time. - And besides, I'm much more interesting and stronger than them, so you have to hang out with me, and they're kind of boring.....What if something happens to you and I can't help you? - Gojo's voice was already rising, but you tried to show less that you were somehow offended by his words.

Those words again.... every time he says this, when you chat with your friends. Why can't he go about his business at all? - you thought, turning back, looking straight into his eyes. You always thought they were beautiful, but right now they only make you shiver all over your body.

Why did you decide that something would happen? I'm not that weak, which means I can stand up for myself! Here! - you have already answered in a loud voice.

- no. You need me. I will always be needed.  Gojo said coldly, looking into your eyes.

- You were made for me. Just for me. I don't want to share with anyone else with you. After all, it is for me that you are a future husband / wife, and not for them," the boy hissed, already becoming aggressive towards you.

Why couldn't you understand that? Why do you always try to trade him for some friends who will leave you when you do something that, in their eyes, will be unacceptable? Why do this when you will always have it....

The only thing that pleases you is that in a few years you will never be able to get rid of it, because the ring that you will have on your ring finger will forever show everyone to whom you will belong in the future.

What kind of monster will you be associated with all your life....

He will never stay away from you, accept it.

[nikkoliferous]

This was NOT me and this is bullshit! I have been inactive for over a week and my friend just sent this to me. I would NEVER talk to another blogger like this ever. This was sent from an account @pussy-ass-bitch-fandom-wank

why do you think the anon signed it? They’re trying to frame me because I have been helping their victim @Lokilaufeysondiaries and they’re pissed about it. I’d never even heard of you until my friend sent this here’s some more proof. Here people are notorious for pretending to be others they sent a friend a nasty anon and signed it "Abby118" another very real Loki blog who doesn't do that kind of stuff ever. I hope we can talk because this just absolutely not okay what so ever and it needs to stop.

okay, I'm going to address this one time and one time only. I have nothing to do with @littlelokilad, @lokihiddleston, the LMQ server, or any drama going down between yourselves and the aforementioned parties. I literally don't know any of you, nor do I care to be involved in whatever petty, high-school-clique bullshit is going on there.

However, I will say that I find myself extremely suspicious of anyone attempting to paint @lokilaufeysondiaries as some kind of innocent victim in all this. I became involved in this stupidity because—and only because—LLD displayed some very inappropriate, manipulative behaviours towards @abby118, a friend, in DM over Abby declining to unblock them (which is absolutely her right). When Abby decided to publicly call out this toxic behaviour on her own blog, providing direct screenshots of their conversation as evidence, she began to be accused of "bullying" LLD (ridiculous) and has since been sent multiple abusive and suicide-baiting asks, ostensibly in LLD's defence.

As for the above accusations by @buckybarnes-winters0ldier, I find it hilariously ironic to, in one breath, complain about people falling for baseless frame jobs and, in the very next, accuse @lotus-eyedindiangoddess of backstabbing her own friends (namely, myself and Abby) and orchestrating this entire mess. Without a lick of evidence, of course. As you do.

TL;DR I am way too fucking old to be invested or interested in whatever manufactured drama is going down on that side of the fandom. My only interest in this bullshit is, and ever has been, Abby being targeted for harassment. Full-stop.

Now, I will say that I am inclined to believe you when you say you were not behind the aforementioned ask—if only because you would have to be very, very stupid to use the anon function only to announce your identity within the text of the ask. like, why?? And I am aware that Abby has been a victim of the very same (terribly executed) tactic. As such, I will update the post in question to reflect this... development? information? idk, whatever. That is, unfortunately, all I can really do, as we all know that once something is on the internet, it's on the internet forever. Even if I were to delete the whole post, any reblogs of it would still exist. If I update it instead, at least the contradicting information is there to be digested in the future, so that would seem to be the best option for dealing with this, to me.

I do sincerely apologise for whatever additional distress the aforementioned ask has caused to you. I have no interest in smearing anyone or discrediting their reputation. As I said, my sole interest in this entire matter has been Abby's well-being. Nothing more, and nothing less. Whoever it is behind all this manufactured drama—and I shan't make any accusations here because I have no evidence to present, regardless of any personal suspicions I may or may not have *cough*—really needs to get some less debilitating hobbies than treating real human beings on Tumblr like abused Barbie dolls to manipulate for their own sick amusement. It's pathetic.

[purgemarchlockdown]

I told myself not to interact too much with the voting discussion because of how much it bothers me, but due to how her votes are going I will talk about it. I know the idea is that to protect the other prisoners we need her to be voted guilty. That's the theory, I'd argue that not only would that not work out the way people expect it to and I'd also argue that voting innocent is the better option overall.

But let's talk a bit about a dichotomy first.

Something I've noticed in fandom when it comes to victims of abuse and trauma is that there's a want for easily digestible abuse victims. There's a want for victims of abuse that are easily infantilized and woobified. In other words, there's a want for a very sanitized depiction of abuse. One where the characters who are being abused did nothing wrong and are morally pure completely righteous characters.

On the flipside, once an abuse victim steps out of those bounds of sanitized digestibility the audience reactions shifts. You tend to find these characters demonized and portrayed in ways that showcase how horrible, toxic or...dangerous they are. If you are an abuse victim in fiction you have to be an incredibly idealized version of the perfect abuse victim who does nothing wrong because if you aren't people will find ways to demonize you and erase any sense of nuance from the story.

You can either be a good abuse victim, or a bad one.

Now of course not everyone voting Amane guilty is doing it because of this...like I've seen a lot of posts from people who just don't know what to do or people who just feel that the consequences of Guilty Vote Amane is worth it in the end or people who just vote her guilty cause they don't like her much. I'm biased in this regard because I love Amane Momose! I'm very much biased towards her.

However it is troubling to me that I see this sort of bias, a lot of people have talked about how this also happens with Mikoto and I'd argue there was a bit of this also involved in Haruka and his voting.

It's something In this fandom and it's something that troubles me personally because I care a lot about this stuff, stories like Amane's are important to me, and I don't like seeing people react like this to abuse victims in fiction just because they aren't palatable.

I doubt most people in real life would act the same way if Amane was real, but also I'm unfortunately very familiar with people ignore someone who is suffering just because they feel uncomfortable. So I do think it's important to mention.

And I think Amane doomed by Milgram! I think Milgram is exactly the kind of place that would trigger her trauma! But even so I don't think Amane is doomed completely. I think viewing her as someone who can never change, who's stuck forever as a devoted cult follower is frankly a disservice to her character.

The power of cults come a lot of factors, manipulation, isolation, perpetuation of abuse and abusive cycles and way more things that I can't even mention. It Does Not come from magic unbreakable brainwashing! We have accounts from former cult victims! They exist! You can google them! There are people with stories like this out there!

I'd argue that Milgram's guilty system emulates Amane's previous abusive situation. It emulates that system of rules and punishment and torture. I don't think voting guilty would help, because voting guilty means Amane has to deal with something that closely emulates her horrible abusive situation, it would drive her further into isolation and trauma. She'd be reliving the situation she just escaped.

"But the other prisoners are at risk-" They're still at risk even if Amane is voted guilty! I'd argue their more at risk because Amane would be driven further into her isolation! Cults tell people that the outside world is dangerous and out to get them! It's one of there methods of control!

If we prove that to Amane, if we prove that yes, the outside world is out to get her and there's no one out there that can actually help her, then we give her The most righteous reason to attack.

Amane from what I can tell usually attacks if she feels like she's justified, if she feels like she's in danger. It's a defense mechanism born out of the torture she experienced. It's not wild swinging at anyone and anything she hates as it seems like people think it is.

I think voting Amane Innocent actually has the better chance of really helping people out. I think Amane being innocent would help crack this image she has of the outside world which would be fantastic actually! Would she be fully deprogrammed? No, you can't deprogram someone with one choice, especially if you validated their beliefs beforehand but it certainly changes things.

I don't like the idea that Amane is completely hopeless, I Feel like it treats cults and the Real Harm they do to people as something that no one can come back from and makes it feel weirdly mystical. Like the cult gets their hands in ya and now their brainwashing is just unbreakable. There's Real Ex-Cult Survivors in the world! They Exist! They aren't an impossibility and I don't think we should treat Amane's growth as a person as an impossibility!

[pinkxlicious]

Loveless P.2

Tom Riddle

Doesn't follow timeline, Part 3??

Warnings: Toxic relationship, cursing, angst, bittersweetish

Word count: 2162

'''

You did not, in fact, go back.

To your surprise you kept your promise and blocked Tom from your mind, for all you knew he was dead. It took a lot to not go back to him, but after that night you knew you had enough of his neglect. You decided to start off fresh and move out into the city. You went back to school and you were working towards a major in charms, you planned on becoming the new charms professor at Hogwarts. The headmaster had personally reached out to you after he heard the word that you were back in school.

You had also came in contact with a few of your best friends from Hogwarts. Overall you had been doing pretty well. You were living in a small one bedroom apartment with a golden retriever, Daisy. You recently bought Daisy to cure your boredom and loneliness since living alone in the city could get quite depressing. Life was good.

Until the day you heard a knock on your door, and something was telling you that something was very wrong. You had considered not opening the door but you felt drawn to whatever was behind that door. You turned the nob and nearly fell when you saw who was behind the door.

It was Tom. Looking just as handsome and majestic as before. But something was different, he seemed... you couldn't put your finger on it. But something was different, not in a bad way, but something was different from the last time you saw him. Maybe it was the fact that he wasn't mad like the last time you saw him. Or maybe it was because it's been forever since the last time you saw him.

Tom seemed to be awestruck by you, he nearly dropped the bouquet of red roses in hands. He let out a shaky breath as he took you in. Even after everything, you still unknowingly looked at him with the same eyes. The same eyes when he kissed you on your wedding day, and the same eyes that would greet him everyday after work. He missed it, he missed you. He felt guilty, and he hated it. He knew you would never take him back, but he just needed closure.

Tom had found a new outlook on life on his own and he felt as if he really has changed. After you left he wholeheartedly believed that you would be back. But you never came home. You had took everything and the only thing that was left of you was the small gold framed photo of the wedding. He kept it close to him and kept the photo right on his nightstand and he would reminisce every night. He would curse himself constantly for letting you go so easily, and treating you like that.

"What are you doing here Tom," You said coldly, hoping no weakness was showing through your voice. "Who told you where I am."

"I asked around. But listen, I'm not here to convince you to get back with me," Tom said, almost cringing at the confrontation. He still wasn't used to confrontation and apologies. "I just wanted to say sorry, and that I have changed."

"Is this just another one of your manipulation antics, making me believe all that and then you snatch me up right when I'm vulnerable again," You said, your nostrils flared with rage at the thought of giving into him. "I don't know who you think I am, but I am no longer associated with you and I would like to keep it that way. I am no longer naive and I am very very conscious to the fact that you cheated one me and neglected me everyday of our marriage."

"Yes, I know that. I knew that when you didn't come back. But I swear to Merlin that I have changed and I need to apologize to you. I can't live with myself knowing that I didn't even try to make it up to you. That is why I'm here." Tom confessed, he quickly handed you the flowers and shoved his hands into his pockets so you wouldn't attempt to give it back to him. You dropped the flowers on the ground and shoved your hands into your pocket, mimicking his face.

Tom almost laughed, it reminded him so much of his days with you at Hogwarts.

"I'm in therapy now," Tom quickly confessed as you squinted at him, "I wish I had gone sooner, when you first told me to. I know you know that I had a rough childhood and I should've listened to you."

"Is that really it?" You scoffed, "Honestly, Tom, I'm really happy for you, I swear by it. I'm happy that you're not a shit stubborn bitch anymore. I'm happy that you are changing for the better and that you are finding yourself. And I know that I can't change the past, but I really wish you have done this earlier. I wish you loved me enough to change. It's the fact that the only reason why you changed was because I left, not because I was hurting while I was with you."

Tom inhales sharply, he thought that you would at least accept the apology then leave. That was the closure he wanted, and some part of him wanted you to forgive him entirely and kiss him, just like every time he fucked up during your relationship.

"I know, and I'm KNOW I am not good at apologies, but I need you to know that I have changed and I regret everything. I think about it every night, it haunts me-"

"You know what haunts me? Wasting away my life with a man who wanted nothing to do with me the moment I gave myself to him. I regret not realizing that you never loved me, I regret ignoring the red flags. I regret not seeing that you only wanted me in your possession, you didn't want me so you could love me, you never did," Tears whelmed you eyes, just like the last time you fought with him. You hated how he had this effect on you, he hated how he made you feel.

Tom noticed for the first time in your life, he noticed the effect he had on you. He noticed your furrowed brows in frustration and he noticed the tears in your eyes. He noticed your hardened jaw, and your balled up fists. He noticed how you were tense and still as you struggled to keep yourself together.

"You know what I really hate, Tom?" You asked,

"What is it, darling," he softly, you winced, hearing the name he would always call you. Memories flooded your brain as your tears flooded your face.

"I really hate how you decided to show up now. I really hate how you decided to show up when I'm doing well. You really fucking ruined my day. Tom," You cried harder with each word, you woke up Daisy. She wobbled to the door and jumped on Tom, licking his arm.

"I know, I'm sorry," Tom eyed your dog, "Um, I see you got a dog."

"Shut up, Tom you're not helping," You said as you wiping your eyes with frustration. Tom stepped closer to you and held your face with his hand.

"I know that I hurt you, I'm sorry for everything I caused. I hope one day we can make peace,"

"I've BEEN wanting to make peace with you, but you would always disappear off to Lestrange's house or something," You sobbed as your walls fell down, all the pain you've blocked out from the past year flooded your senses. "I hate how you were willing to give the better version of yourself to her. I hate how I have to hurt and I hate how I can't take you back, I hate how I want to love you again. But I can't because you've done too much to me."

Tom felt empathy for the first time in his life. He left a sharp pain in his chest, he felt genuine sadness seep through his body. He felt something in his heart, it felt heavy. And he cried for the first time in his life.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I really am sorry," Tom said with confusion printed on his face and tears fell from his eyes, his voice shook."I don't know whats happening."

"You're healing, Tom. You can feel," You whispered, you felt happy for him, you really did. "I just wish this happened sooner, I wish you had done this sooner so I could love you again."

"I still love you,"

"Don't say that, please, please, don't say that." You cried harder than you ever had before,

"But I do, I don't know what I was thinking, but I never loved Lestrange. I am more than willing to give myself to you. I want to love you now that I can. I want to love you like I should've. I want to love you, I want you. I want you so bad and I wish you could love me too," Tom confessed as he struggled to keep his composure, "I don't understand how I could give you up."

"But you did. You let me leave, Tom. You let it happen. I want you too but I don't know if I can do this again. I am hurt, I don't want to disappoint you,"

"Do you want me to leave," Tom asked,

"I don't know, I want you to stay but I don't want to love you anymore,"

Tom's heart shattered at your words, but he knew he deserved it. He smiled softly as more tears whelmed his eyes.

"You don't have to, I hope the universe decides to let us meet again. I hope one day I can have you again. I hate myself for putting you through so much. But I promise you that if we meet again, I will love you like you deserve. You have me, but I don't have you," You shuddered at his words and put your hand on his hand, which still remained on your cheek.

"Would it be too much to ask if I could kiss you one last time?" You asked, Tom nodded eagerly,

"This time I will kiss you how I wish I kissed you before. I wish all the times before, I kissed you like it was the last time I would ever kiss you. This time it really is our last kiss, and I wish it wasn't," he whispered as he leaned in.

His lips felt different than before, they felt lighter and more cautious than before. He then suddenly kissed you hard, you gasped before reciprocating. You kissed him, channeling your pain, sadness, agony, and anger. You cried as you kissed him, your tears mixed with his. You didn't want to ever let go of him. Tom moved his hand to your waist and his other remained on your cheek. You tangled your fingers into his hair and your other caressed his chest. You wish you didn't need oxygen so you could kiss him until the sun set, and until the world ended. You felt Tom sob into your lips and you just held him closer until you couldn't.

You were the first to pull away, gasping for air as Tom held you close, so close you could barely breathe. But you wouldn't have it any other way.

"I wish I wasn't so cruel," Tom whispered into the crook of your neck, "I wish I was kind."

"I wish that too, but you are becoming kinder day by day. I hope you feel more sympathy for those that you hurt. And I hope you heal one day. When you do, come back to find me so I can love you again," You buried your face into his chest as your heart broke for him all over again. You smelled his sweet scent and tried to memorize it. You reminded yourself of every detail of him so you could search for him. You wished you could love him now, but you knew it was too early in his healing process to do so. You wanted to love him when he was better and healed. So you could love him the best, and he could love you the best.

"I will always remember your kindness for me, and I will always love you. I will be better for you, I will heal for you. I will always remember how you were there for me, and I will always remember how you stayed by my side no matter what. And I'm sorry that I betrayed your trust,"

"I know," You gripped onto his shirt as if he could disappear at any moment. "I hate how you make me feel. I hate how you can do this to me."

"I'm sorry, I hate it too. I don't like seeing you like this," Tom whispered before kissing her forehead.

"Just remember to find me again,"

And after that, after much reluctance, the two parted ways.

[not-too-many-eyes]

5, 8, 13?

(For this ask game)

5. A female villain you love?

This question is strangely hard cause I have to debate with myself if morally complicated conservative women count or not, because a lot of the complicated women I like AREN'T placed in an explicitly adversarial position to "the heroes" (nor do the things I like tend to create that explicitly dichotomy of "hero" and "villain") and I still haven't been able to determine the answer to that-

But like- Plutomon Digimon Survive is a villain no matter how you slice it so uh- her. I can't say too much on her for Spoiler Reasons but Plutomon Digimon Survive is a Character of All Time can I get an Amen!

(I Mean I'd Love to put a character like Natushi here but I'm really hung up on the definitions here as you might notice.)

8. A minor female character you love anyway?

I was going to jokingly say that none of the things I like have women as Just minor characters but then I was thinking about it and I was like "Wait.....what media do I like (That I think about often) that has women in minor roles?" so I settled on Reverse 1999 Eagle since she is a minor character in story and has Very Little Going On outside of her ancedote focus:

I bet anon was asking for a character with actual like- 2 minutes of screentime but the truth is I simply just don't think too much about characters like that in general. If I do I tend to turn them into OCs since like...at some point they do just become my OC and I''m not going to be like "Oh this is the actual canon version of the character" when I've just written them as OCs. Plus my memory is shit so I really do need something to latch onto.

Keiko RGU might count though?

I find her really fun and interesting in the Black Rose arc since she's coming right after the most emotionally involved of the Black Rose Duelists (Wakaba) so you have a really nice duality there of Wakaba being Utena's best friend while Utena doesn't even know Keiko's name.

Oh and Rei!

She's great as well! I love whatever horrific situationship she had with Muu and how Muu thinks of her as like- a beautiful hero and puts her on a pedestal while simultaneously hating her for "not saving her." Okay maybe I do have more options for this than I thought-

13. An interesting femslash ship? (Canon or otherwise)

I was going to put a Yuri is my Job ship here and then I realized that I don't....consider any of those "romantic" ships like- to me Sumika and Kanako is a QPR, same with Yano and Hime- like those are complicated and nuanced relationships and I love them but Sumika and Kanako are textually Not Romance.

While for Yano and Hime it seems like Hime doesn't feel romantic attraction but a genuine sensual and sexual attraction towards Yano like- aro but not ace. Does that count for the purposes of this discussion?

The definition rests unclear, and I generally just ship situationships forever, but I do have one that isn't horrifically complicated- which is my friend keeps on telling me that apparently Eva and Natushi from Umineko have toxic yuri going on and Im like-

THESE TWO???

THESE TWO HAVE TOXIC YURI?????? THEIR IN LOVE???? THEY DONT JUST HATE EACH OTHER????

So now I need to know what's going on there. I want to know whatever the fuck is going on there. I'm still in Episode 2 and I'm like "Okay. What is their deal"

Alien Nine Yuri and Kumi are also good:

Same with BiY Touko and Yuu (I have not finished this either):

(EDIT) I went to edit this again not just for formatting reasons but because I needed to include my beloved We Know the Devil and Heaven Will be Mine Polycules:

And we also have!

Utenanthy! (I made this a month or so ago and dont want to fix it up at all)

Redraw of this:

[loveandmurders]

Hi! I'm recently new to your blog and in love with sister! sinclair!! (But for your not writing list “slashers killing on purpose reader” confused me) but I wanted to put in a request myself and I don't mean to be bland and not give much detail but

What if Sinclair sister!reader is also a killer but the brothers don't know: and they somehow find out by visiting her and hearing victims screams maybe? If you don't feel comfortable you can ignore this!

Hello there, thank you for your request <3

I'm sorry if I wasn't clear, I'm French so I'm doing my best with English! What I meant is that I don't write for slashers who kill reader just because they want to hurt them. Hope it's better that way!

But I love to write for dangerous!reader so I hope you'll enjoy this <3

I KILL FOR MY OWN ENJOYMENT

Warnings: no proof reading, killer!reader, abusive and insane parents, mention of lack of empathy from reader and the brothers, mentions of murders, violence, pain and blood, mention of dismenbering, mentions of sexual activites/impulses (but nothing explicit).

Your father was a mad scientist who had the reputation to do experiments on his patients. Rumours also said that some of his patients disappeared forever after they entered his office or his home. Your mother was an insane artist, who was using people to make wax statues out of them. She also believed that her business was more important than anything or anyone else.

At the same time, they both tried very hard to love their children in their own twisted way. However their love was toxic and ill; it was turning everything to blood and dust. Especially you, their children, who only knew this kind of "affection". 

The twins were the first ones to understand that it wasn’t what love was supposed to be. And despite everything that happened to you all, they manage to feel real tenderness for Lester and adoration for you. It was hard for them to like anyone else other than their family. In a way, your childhood prevented you from developing empathy toward anyone who wasn’t your siblings. And because of the family business, you could only trust your people, and because you were children who needed love and affection, you started to love and be soft to each other.

You didn’t feel anything when your mother died. The twins were wrecked and Lester was heartbroken when he realised he would never have her attention. You felt satisfaction when your father died and you so calmly helped Bo hiding the body and finding a good lie to tell the police. Bo felt better, Vincent too. Lester hoped things would go back to normal now.

But normal had never been something you knew. 

Any of you. 

The twins needed to get back to the family business, because it was all they ever knew. Vincent needed to be the new artist of Ambrose, he needed to continue his mother’s masterpiece, and more than anything, he needed to get revenge on the world for his face. He needed to kill. Bo would have never left Vincent on his own, and he wanted his Mama to be proud of him, wherever she was now. Lester was lost without his siblings, so he followed the lead, even if he wasn’t too happy with it. The twins never asked him to kill, but to guide the tourists to their traps. It was easy now that Ambrose was empty. They all felt like they were the kings of their own world in this strange and desertic town.

You didn’t care about your parents, so you didn’t care about the legacy. You only cared about your siblings. Nevertheless, you believed you also had to care about yourself, so you left to study. It saddened your brothers a lot because they wanted you close by, but they never stopped you. They simply reminded you everyday that they wished you would be home with them. When you finally graduated, they failed to convince you to come back home. You loved them, but you hated Ambrose. They were worried it was because you were scared of them, but you would never be scared of them. You loved them and you knew they did love you too in return, more than anything. They would have even let go of the family business if you had wanted. But you didn’t want that because you were aware it would break them even more.

You wanted your independence and you were fighting against your own demons. And you hated to admit it but the only way you found to feel better, when you were getting self destructive and unhappy, was to kill people.

You never talked about it to your brothers, because it started when you were at the university, far away from them. You had killed a guy, who had better grades than you, to be at the top of the class. You didn’t even really remember how all of this happened. But after this, you had never been able to stop. You were smart and the police never found you, even though the county was aware of the presence of a serial killer. Your brothers were sometimes talking about it, wondering who it could be and asking you to be extra careful at night, even if they knew you could take care of yourself. They just knew that people could be insane and dangerous sometimes. Your answer was always a soft smile and a “Yes, of course I’m careful”. You never told them it was you because it was your little secret. You shared everything with your brothers but this.

Maybe they would be scared of you. You were killing for the sake of it, for the thrill, for the adrenaline, for the view of the blood, for the almost sexual impulse. You loved to be in control, you loved to have the power to kill someone because you wanted it. You were like a divinity.

You thought you were good at hiding this from your brothers. Until one day.

You had brought someone to your flat last night. You had sex with them and you were planning on killing them for no other reason than because you wanted to. You had tied them up and as they were begging you. You were about to start the real fun, when you heard your doorbell ring. You groaned and shove a sock into the person’s mouth before putting tape over their lips.

“Don’t move, sweetie, I’ll be back” you winked at them before closing your bedroom door behind yourself.

The doorbell rang again. “Comin’” you cried out as you were quickly washing your bloody hands. You had beat your prisoner up and your knuckles were raw. You finally ran to the door, looked through the spyhole and opened when you realised it was your brother Lester.

“Hello, sis” he greeted you before hugging you. You hugged him back, a little bit surprised to see him there.

“What’s up?” you asked as you let him get inside your flat.

“Bo told me he’d fix my washin’ machine at my place if I convince ya to come over Ambrose for the weekend” Lester sheepishly smiled at you and you rolled your eyes at him. You were about to answer when a loud noise came from your bedroom. Your prisoner fell on the ground, hoping the newcomer would hear it and check it out. “Ya ain’t alone maybe?” Lester asked with a raise eyebrow

“No, it’s nothin’” you tried to shrug but another loud noise happened as they hit the wall with their tied feet.

“Ya sure?” Lester asked. He could tell you were hiding something, which was strange and worried him a little. At the same time, he didn’t want to make you feel uneasy. You simply nodded.

“Anyways, ya were talkin’ about bringin’ me to Ambrose?” you hummed, for Lester’s attention to be back on his first goal. Lester smiled again.

“Well, yeah. Everyone'd be happy to have ya around. We’re missin’ ya quite a bit, ya know. And I can do my best for no tourist to arrive in Ambrose if you prefer things to be quiet. The twins just want ya home” Lester told you

“I’ve been busy but alright, I’ll come home tonight” you offered, so Lester could leave and allow you to finish your work.

“Why tonight? I can bring ya home now?” Lester asked “Or maybe ya’re in the middle of somethin’ already?” he hummed as loud bangs coming from your bedroom interrupted you again. Gosh, you were so going to give them a painful death.

“Can ya forget about this, please?” you pleaded. “Just go now and… I’ll explain to ya tonight?” you gave him your best puppy eyes and Lester looked away. He couldn't resist you anyways.

“Bo won’t be happy. He’d think ya won’t come.” Lester argued

“I’ve one word, ya know that!” you exclaimed but more blows were heard against the wall

“What’s goin’ on, Y/N?” Lester asked, plunging his eyes into yours.

He also noticed your knuckles and gently took your hands in his, concerned. You sighed. It was really ruining your plans. Even if you killed the person now, you were usually waiting for the night to get rid of the body, but Bo would never be that patient and he was able to come over when you would be in the middle of the dismembering. You couldn't let the person on their own or they might find a way out or a way to ask for help. And you couldn’t leave the body here over the whole weekend because of the smell and everything.

“Ok. This’ really not ideal. Where’s your truck parked? Far away from the buildin’ entrance?” you asked and Lester sent you a very confused look

“What?”

“Just answer”

“Yeah, a little bit away, why?”

“Alright, ya gonna go back to the truck and bring it here just at the entrance. Ya gonna make some room on the back of the truck for a normal sized person who will be layin’ on the floor. I wanted to kill them now, but ya’ve all decided to fuck up with my plans, so I guess I can only kill them at Ambrose. Vince’ll be happy to have a new body for his project” you explained as Lester watched you without understanding. His sweet and cute baby sister was killing people? “Go now, Lester!” you ordered and he left, still in complete bewilderment. He couldn’t believe what just happened.

You got lucky enough for the street to be desertic. So you forced the person to walk inside the truck with a knife pressed against their side and hidden under your clothes. You threw them on the truck floor and closed the door. They quickly tried to scream and escape but you very coldly threatened them and they finally stayed still. You put the radio very loud so you were certain no one could hear them if they decided to be stupid again.

“Did they try to hurt ya?” Lester asked you because it was the only explanation he had found and you send him a little smile

“Vince isn’t the one who likes to kill. I just don’t need a pretext to do so” you shrugged. Lester thought it was all a dream. You had never killed anyone in Ambrose before. 

Bo was waiting for the two of you. He was fixing a car outside of his garage because he was lacking space inside: two groups of tourists came by the past three days, which meant he had plenty of vehicles to deal with. He quickly stopped when he saw Lester's truck parking next to his shop. He opened your passenger door to hug you but he got startled when he heard someone whimpering and begging for help behind a gag. You gently shoved Bo to the side.

“Help me get them out of the truck. I’ll help Vince with the wax for this one.” you informed him. 

Bo sent a confused glance at Lester who shrugged at him, as lost as he was. Bo obeyed though and he pulled the person to the house basement. He tried to question you but you weren’t in the mood to answer so he finally let the subject go. Lester and Bo were discovering a new part of your personality they had never seen before. A very dark, cold and quiet side of you. You were looking like a goddess of chaos, full of wrath and calm violence. Bo was angry and teasing when he was killing. Vincent was quiet, but he was very excited and thrilled. You were icy playful.

You asked Vincent to show you how to use the machine and you both recovered the person in burning wax after Vincent paralysed them and fixed them on the chair. He watched you taunting the person. The statue you made out of them was in a very unnatural position that would quickly become pure suffering for your victim. Even Vincent was a little bit uncomfortable in front of the twisted and broken sculpture you made. He knew he would hide it somewhere to scare the tourists, maybe somewhere in the woods close by Ambrose. 

You asked Vincent how long it would take for them to die and the answer pleased you and you laughed such a terrifying laugher that a tear dropped down the waxed face. 

Vincent finished everything off while you climbed upstairs to take a shower. When you went into the kitchen to get some fresh lemonade, your three brothers were sitting at the table. Lester told the twins what happened and Vincent explained to them what he saw. They all stopped talking when they noticed you. You sighed. You took your glass of lemonade before sitting at the table too.

“Well yeah I’m killin’ people too. And I enjoy it, but ya do too” you were a little bit defensive.

“Since when?” Bo asked

“University. I know what I’m doin’ so no need to be worried” you quickly replied, because you wanted your brothers to leave you alone

“Why ya never told us about it?” Bo continued, he didn't like the idea his baby sister was hiding anything from him

“Don’t know. Wanted it to be my little secret enjoyment. I don’t do it for the family business but because it makes me feel better.” you said

“Could be both though. I’d be happy to do more wax sculptures with you as well” Vincent signed. He knew he would enjoy killing with you.

“I’m not an artist” you shook your head

“You are. I’m now realising I’m way too consensual. You could really bring something to it. You’re impressive”

“I’ll think about it” you softly smiled, a little bit flattered your big brother was thinking that of you.

“Ya’re always impressive” Bo nodded and you relaxed even more.

“Ya the serial killer of the county then?” Lester asked

“Yep” you shrugged, but deep down you were proud of yourself

“It's safer for ya to play in Ambrose, ya know.” Bo added, thinking he could find a way to convince you to come back home that way

“I know. I’ll think ‘bout it” you promised and both the twins smiled at you.

[orgasming-caterpillar]

Okay last week recap

- i got a blood infection (ongoing)

- im having breathing problems and the doctors are saying I'm just fine when i!! catn!!! BreAthe!!!!

- i changed schools and had to abandon all of my old friends from that because my mum's bf doesn't "like" them

- i might have to move in with my mum's (creepy) bf for a few months if I don't find a good dormitory near my school

- my mom said yes to buying me a binder and then said no because her bf said no

- im only four days clean from cutting myself and overdosing on antidepresants

- my dad beat me last night, slammed me into a wall so my hip and elbow are KILLING ME, and also twisted my entire arm 360° so it's.so sore and won't stop shaking

- my entire body is sore now, and yet my mother screams at me because I told her I couldn't sweep the house

- my brother, who's the only one in the house who doesn't misgender me, got scolded by my mother to stop calling me "bhaiya" (elder brother)

- i asked my mom to meet my therapist as my session was scheduled a week ago but she didn't let me go, and she yelled at me because apparently caring about my mental health makes me "selfish" and "high maintenance"

- i told my mum how toxic her bf was and she screamed at me that I never want to see her happy before I even got to tell her how creepy he is towards me

And this is only the last WEEK. I haven't even counted all the shit that happened in the last month and before that

So if I randomly stop posting in the next few days or weeks, you know what happened. Thank you all for so many of the sweet support. Many of you were the reason I lasted this long. I'll try to hold out as long as I can.

Love, forever.

Madhu

[morticia-mystic]

Flower, gleam and glow...

(cw: child abuse, toxic parent, running away)

"No ? What do you mean, no ?"

Mother Gothel questioned, her tone so cold it made Johnny's and Ginny's blood run ice cold.

"You can't hear me, mother, I said no. I'm not putting up with your bullshit anymore."

It was that time of night again, where mother sat down with her children between her legs and had them sing the same magical incantation that Rapunzel sang all those years ago that kept her youth as she brushed through their hair. Gothel had done this for years; each night she would alternate between her children and have them sing as she brushed. Some nights were worse than others, the ones that were the worst was when she'd get violently angry.

"I'm so sick, of being locked up in this fucking tower with you and your sick fucking mind. We're not fucking Rapunzel, Mother."

Giovanni motioned to him and his siblings

"And there's no fucking flower."

Giovanni was 12 as he stood in front of his mother. He had just gotten his second growth spurt, he stands now just at eye level.

Giovanni was going to speak again before there was a loud crack.

The sound of skin hitting skin.

It was Mother Gothel's open palm against Giovanni's hand

Johnny and Ginny wince, and Johnny grapples onto his older sister, hiding his face.

"You will never speak to me like that, Maggio, never."

Gothel scolded, but her voice was calm, eerily calm. Like a calm breeze blowing through a motionless woods.

Giovanni stared into his mother's eyes. He felt how his cheek stung, and how tears stabbed at his eyes, threatening to break from their invisible barrier and fall down his cheeks.

Giovanni stood there, vacant. Like a statue, his expression, frozen, for what felt life forever

Ginny and Johnny looked on in fear of what would happen next.

Mother seemed to come to after what felt like an eternity. Her face morphed into one of horror and disbelief.

"My poor child, what have you led me to do."

She soothed, as she embraced Giovanni, holding his head against her. She pulled his face away before she spoke again. She was inspecting

"I could have damaged your beauty, child. I wouldn't know what to do with myself. You see why you should lead me to anger, child."

Her tone sounded like that of a concerned mother but her words betrayed that tone.

Giovanni stared blankly, his countenance held no expression. He wasn't there, not mentally, he still stood vacantly.

"Come now child, let's go to the reflection room."

The reflection room was a room in the tower that was small, damp, and cold. There was only a mirror and the purpose of the room was to stare at your reflection and think whenever you did something that mother didn't like.

There was never any way of knowing how long you'd have to be in there.

When Giovanni heard the mention of that hellish room he broke from his mothers hold.

"No."

He spoke, his voice sounded distant, he still wasn't truly there.

"No."

He spoke again as he started to back away.

"Child, stop this foolishness."

Gothel grabbed his wrist and started to drag him towards the room.

"NO !"

Giovanni screeched as he fell to the floor and began struggling away from his mothers grasp.

"Giovanni, stop struggling. You need to reflect."

Gothel scolded as she continued to tug at him.

Giovanni struggled out old his mothers hold and ran.

He ran down the stairs and to his room. He slammed the door and quickly looked around for some form of barricade. He frantically searched his dilapidated room and moved his run down dresser (that was missing most of its original drawers) in front of his door.

At this age, Giovanni was already a master escapist (being locked up in a tower, it was a skill that was valuable). He made his way quickly to his closest and pulled out a small box that held the tools that aided him in his escape.

He took the rope from the box and secured it to something in his room. By the time he was able to tie the knot (his hands were shaking too badly to tie correctly the first time), mother had made it to his room, and was banging on the door.

"Open the door Maggio."

She yelled. Giovanni moved faster, he grabbed his shoes and threw them out of the window before frantically making his way to the window himself and beginning to scale the side of the tower he was forced to call home.

When his feet hit the ground, he hastily put on his shoes and began to run.

There were only two people for him to run to, Mal or Sarah of Spades...

Giovanni began to run in the direction of Bargain Castle.

[autistic-ben-tennyson]

I have some different opinions about religion than when I started on here. I was a lot angrier towards Christianity as someone growing up in an evangelical home when I first started posting and was pretty vocal about it. In hindsight, there are some things I said that were perhaps not my place such as about Islam, because I was angry with how some people here view any criticism of non Christian religions as “cultural Christianity” and would shut down apostates. My view now is that “not every religion is Christianity and there are things that aren’t your place to talk about”, “Christianity is not inherently evil or abusive” and “viewing every other religion as more progressive or better than Christianity invalidates those who suffered and leads to Chauvanist attitudes” are all statements that can coexist. Before I created even an account, I was browsing tumblr a lot and came across many Jumblr blogs here that portrayed Judaism as the progressive religion that was the opposite of American Christianity. I fell for a lot of the jumblr rhetoric that claimed “Christianity, atheism and Islam” are inherently antisemitic and it made me hold some prejudice against people who did not deserve it including Muslim classmates I had and that view basically condemns billions of people as evil or bigoted.

So many people using that talking point turned out to be Zionists which makes their view that anyone born in a religion is part of it forever make a lot more sense. I am not sure if atheist or ex Christian works as a label for me as I am still figuring that out. I still respect and validate ex Christians who have suffered and are treated poorly by progressives here but I am starting to think some of the ways trauma is expressed here is detrimental to the cause and only fuels persecution complexes. @roundearthsociety talked about this, but a lot of people here on both left and right view religion as a club people join because of their moral or political beliefs and don’t understand how some can just have faith in it.

I still am a bit angry that I fell for the Chauvanist attitudes of Zionist jumblr converts and had times I agreed with Zionism myself. Avoidance is not a good way to deal with trauma or emotional baggage and I had a phase where I considered conversion to Judaism to escape what I saw as an irredeemable and hateful religion. Talking to people on r/exjew and @bringmemyrocks sort of changed that. Before anyone comes at me, I don’t hate Jews or Judaism and I do condemn Christian, atheist or Muslim antisemitism, but viewing any criticism of it or Zionism is not that different from evangelical persecution complexes, same with viewing anyone outside the religion as the enemy. I am sorry for some of the things I have said before like calling Islam toxic, but I am in a different place now than months ago.

[tinukis]

i think about trans sanji a lot... mtf or ftm he's transgender (or genderfluid ♥️)

but i think about ftm sanji and his struggles with his identity. his self hatred, self esteem, and toxic masculinity... i think about ftm sanji a lot...

i have stuff from my notes app. one was meant to be written as a fic but i gave up so it's incomplete. this takes place after wci and before wano. warnings are below the cut and in the tags, please read with caution.

trigger warning - gender dysphoria, child abuse (may be graphic.), misgendering, self-harm

Sanji wishes he was never a man. Let alone be born with the genital of a woman's.

He loves women. He admires them. Their beauty, their bodies, their smile, their femininity, everything. He wishes he could be just like them, that was his assigned sex, after all. Yet as a child, every time he stared at himself in the mirror, he would be staring at someone else. He did see a girl, but it wasn't him.

It's his turn on night watch. As everyone exchanges their goodnights and enter the cabin, Sanji climbs into the crow's nest and leaned against the window where the moonlight shined. His hand over his heart and crumpling his shirt into his fist. They just left Whole Cake Island but now that half his crew learned about the Vinsmokes, he was only filled with dread and anxiety.

They knew too much and there was nothing he can do about it but fill his lungs with tobacco. He knew they wouldn't pry further and he was relieved that they still see him the same but... It was being confronted by his Captain he dreaded the most. He didn't care about anyone's past nor does he try to look into them, but after everything Sanji did to Luffy and what Luffy did for him, he doesn't know what the hell to expect anymore.

Sanji knows Luffy would notice something's wrong and he couldn't avoid him forever. What was he supposed to tell him anyway?

Oh everything's fine, Luffy. Just you know, I've been reminded what sex I was born as and how I grew up hating myself because I'm actually a man. And I hated being a man because of how all the men in my life raised and treated me. I feel like I have betrayed all the women in my life. But other than that, I'm fine, Captain.

He puffs out a trail of smoke with a long exhale, clutching his head and pulling his hair that covered his right eye. He only wishes for silence but the calm waves below. Not his shitty thoughts about his identity or what lessons he'd been taught on Kamabakka Kingdom. With little to nonexistent self-worth, it was fucking hard to accept who he is. He needed no one elses approval but his own.

—

"Mother... is it wrong to feel like a boy?" Sanji fiddled with his thumbs, sitting on the edge of his mother's bed. His back was turned towards her, but he could hear her smile.

"What makes you feel that, Sanji?"

"... I don't know. My heart feels bad and heavy when I am a girl," Sanji hugged himself tight, gritting his teeth to hold back his tears. His brothers told him a man doesn't cry, otherwise he'd never be considered or respected as one.

"Sanji, look at me," his mother's voice was soft and full with kindness.

Sanji slowly turned his head, sniffling his red nose with his tearful eyes. His mother gently cupped over his cheek and wiped away the teardrops overflowing from the corner of his eye.

"Follow what your heart feels, Sanji. Despite what your father says, you continue seeing me, right? Continue with what your heart desires."

...

If only it were that easy.

—

"I was born wrong," said Sanji.

"Clearly," responded father. Unsure what he had meant by that, Sanji was overjoyed to be treated as a boy going forward.

A man was not who he wanted to be, yet those feelings of euphoria when dressed alike to his brothers and referred to as a "son" or "he" were undeniable.

It was a bit of surprise that even his brothers were forced to comply. But that doesn't stop their bullying and abuse whenever left alone with them.

–

"We're only wrestling! It's what boys do!" Yonji exclaimed with his arm strangled around Sanji's neck. Sanji tugged and tugged, attempting to escape his grasp only for Yonji to flex tighter.

"You're a boy, right, Sanji? Then act like one! Reiju is more of a man than you are!" Niji laughed, swinging a harsh kick into Sanji's shin.

Sanji was gasping between breaths, his skin turning from a shade of red to blue. For once, Yonji obliged but that moment of refreshing release was cut short by Ichiji's foot to Sanji's mouth.

"If you're a man, then stand up!" Ichiji yelled, kicking Sanji again by his stomach, not giving him a single chance for a breath of air. Coughed up blood splattered over the red carpet and Ichiji's white pants.

"Eww! She spat out blood!" Yonji exaggerated his gagging with his tongue lolled out his mouth and pointing into it.

Sanji shakily forced himself up, bloodied and bruised. His brothers smirked at him, intrigued that he was even capable of standing up after a beating.

"I'm... I'm not a she!!!" Sanji shouted and panted heavily. He knelt over, clutching onto his growling stomach that was building up his throat.

"Oh yeah? If you're not a girl, then," without warning, Niji swung his leg across Sanji's head, forcing a crack into the castle's walls. "Try not to pass out!"

His brothers waited for their useless brother to even breathe one shallow breath. Sanji couldn't move a single muscle, yet he was still conscious. When he heard heavy footsteps, his eyes widened and his heart beat grew steady. Sanji cried out for his father, but his throat felt clogged and not a word was heard.

"H-hel...p... me..." Sanji sputtered with quivering lips. His brothers laughed aloud, every time their mouths opened their words would never be positive.

The heavy footsteps got closer and Sanji turned his head towards that direction, staring at his father's unchanged expression. The burning sensation from his stomach rose. It ached terribly and he couldn't do anything but cry.

"F-fath— MGH—!" Sanji vomited on the carpet, his brothers expressed their disgust and laughed. When Sanji's eyes met with Judge, he was stared down at with revulsion. He bit back the bottom of his lip, trying to prevent tears or vomiting again, he couldn't tell what was happening anymore. It was like the room started to spin, the laughter dissipating in the background before everything turned to black.

–

The only people in Sanji's life that even treated him with kindness were women. His bedridden mother, his bystander sister, and the maids. But his mother was long gone for months. All he became accustomed to was the gray brick walls, steel bars caging him in, and a heavy iron helmet upon his head. The only people that ever kept him company were the Germa soldiers. But of course, they never bothered with conversations and only responded to Sanji's needs. He was even lucky that his requests for books were allowed.

Being kept alive, rotting in this dungeon was a fate worse than Hell. His hair grew longer and it felt so damn itchy. But with the stupid mask over his head, he couldn't satisfy the itch. Sanji had to resort to scratching his arms until they burnt and glowed red. Sometimes he'd scratch hard enough that it'd draw blood. He'd only stop once his arms started to bleed.

Sometimes Sanji refused baths. He wasn't comfortable with either a man or even a woman scrubbing him clean. He didn't want to do it all himself. He didn't want to look at the bare body he couldn't stand to look at. He wanted his mother. He wanted Reiju.

Since Sanji refused to have a bath because of the growing pit in his stomach grew each time he had to strip down, reminded of the body that shouldn't be his. The Germa soldiers resorted to soaking him with a hose and drop off his preferred choice of clothing.

That was all these past months of hell Sanji lived through alone in the dark and dank dungeon. The isolated loneliness was more agonizing than being beaten like a worn out punching bag by his brothers. Despite the amount of bruises and broken bones they may have caused, he missed them.

But maybe he thought too soon. Ichiji, Niji, and Yonji found him, surprised that he was still alive. They purposely spoke aloud how killing Sanji would likely make their father happy. His heart began to race like it was about to burst right out of his chest. Once they got the gate unlocked, they approached Sanji slowly, making him backed against the cold brick wall.

It was the same cycle as previously. Maybe even worse now as they were beneath the palace so no one would hear Sanji scream and cry for help.

–

Liquid rolls down Sanji's forearm and his cigarette burnt out. His nails dug into his skin deep enough to draw blood. Shit. No matter the pain he's given himself, it will never get rid of the filthy hands that bruised his body.

Sanji tosses his cigarette into the ashtray and lights another.

Why couldn't the good people in his life just leave him to rot?