#so now im... mourning a part of me that this hurt? bc im done mourning us?

[ame-to-ame]

there are things that you don't do for a year or more and pick up just right where you left off and these days i fear loving you might be one of them

[surrealsunday]

helloo! wow it’s been a little while ngl! but when when chap10 was posted i was like “do i read it now or wait till the epilogue is posted? 🤔” and i ended up waiting for the epilogue, idk in my head it’s as logic sjsbdb. meanwhile i decided to rewatch stranger things + skamfr kinda at the same time bc it’s been way too long (for the latter). then the epilogue was posted and haven’t found the time or energy to settle and read the last two chapters (we love uni for that). till tonight!! so here’s my not so little review of the chap10 + the epilogue 😅

-> chap10

woaaah im at loss for words for how cute and beautiful that chapter was omg! the vulnerable moment right after the intensity of their love scene hit me right in the feels, lucas’ “please don’t hurt me (again)” and then eliott hugging him tight saying “i promise” 🥺MY HEART🥺

also these little acts had me giggling and kicking my feet

gosh i’m just so giddy when it comes to them like- THEY. ARE. IN. LOVE. 🥹

OH YEAH the moment when idriss came back home and said “I swear, if you fucked in the kitchen, Eliott -" made me think of that one scene in tempo (i think) when he discovers they did it on the counter and there was like evidences or sth and i just burst out laughing 😭 like i imagined him being so done already with them (/affectionate of course)

-> epilogue

MY HEEAART!! i know i’ve said it like a million times already but i’m so soft for theeem 🥺

i really loved how eliott reassured lucas during the moving, how they once more opened a little to one another. then lucas asking him to say something true abt himself, eliott’s little story was very cute despite starting kinda sad :(( but that little parallel to the minute par minute scene but this time it’s eliott calming lucas down ☹️

but goosh i’m in love with their love, in every universe istg 🥰 like i smiled SO BIG here!

now real thing: i cant believe it’s over now :/ i’m gonna miss them so much, these version of elu is definitely one of my favorite! i wanna thank you for writing this fic that, i’m sure, helped a lot of people (including me) escape their boring ass work/uni life ahah. every time it truly has been an amazing time, even when pain was dominent sometimes. but as always i’d say sjsbsb

wishing you a wonderful friday and weekend, i’m gonna spend mine mourning elu!10things and thinking of how much their love is incredible in every universe 😭💞

gosh i just realized i forgot about to say some more things in my previous message 😭 in my defense it’s 1am so- anyways

i’m also very thankful you listened to the little voice in your brain and wrote that little epilogue, the quote of kat is one of my favorite and it’s really well included! would have been such a waste not having lucas saying this tbh.

also the last pic of chap10, eliott’s post with the shadows…wow i literally stared at it for 10 good minutes it was so well done! especially lucas’ wild hair sbsjsb (also i see you have been generous for some parts 👀)

finally, i thanked you for the fic but i also wanna be grateful to your friend julie for pressing you making this fic alive ahah, bc yeah your elu fic are really one of the most emotionally amazing and still being able to read elu content in, now, 2023 is truly incredible ♥️

Oh my gosh I somehow completely missed the notification for these messages in my inbox. I'm so sorry! I was not ignoring you, I just am a useless human 😂

As always I absolutely love hearing your thoughts. I'm so glad you liked chapter 10 🥹. It was interesting pairing smexy times with some super raw emotional nakedness. I liked it tho. It felt right and natural in the moment.

Your memes btw aldfkjalsdfkja. They kill me 😂😂😂

I thought about Idriss in Tempo too at that moment! I truly don't know why I keep doing these things to poor Idriss lmao. But I make it up to him with Manon. So I don't feel too bad 😌.

Ok, so I very much got minute-by-minute vibes in that moment of the epilogue too, but it wasn't pre-planned that way. I kinda love that you had the same reaction. It just sort of happened and as I was writing it occurred to me that it very subtly nodded to that classic Skam moment. It seems they're determined to be that way in every universe.

Ahhhh the shadow pic! It's one of my faves! I get obsessive about most things (this is not news lmao) so it wasn't surprising that I obsessed over getting those shadows right, but in the end when it did look like them I was sooooo satisfied. And yes, satisfied with the very lovely booty on Lucas too 😌. It makes me so happy you liked it too!

Really it was my absolute pleasure to share this fic, most especially because I seriously do have the best readers in the world, and you all are so generous in leaving me your thoughts and feelings about the story (there is really nothing better than that as a writer). It's a big part of me coming back to Elu over and over, I think. I love reconnecting with all of you. And of course I'm more than happy to provide distraction from real life!

P.S. I told Julie what you said and lemme tell you... the way she got all proud and puffed up on herself 😂😂😂. I told her to take it down a notch but she's already kicking into high gear on harassing me for new stories lol.

Anyways, all the love to you. Thank you again so much for sending me your thoughts as you read the story. 💖💗💞💝

[halforcdad]

I watched POI when it already finished airing so whenever I see someone said they watched it when it was still airing I went

Oh honey

Oh dear

Oh sweetie

You watched it live?? You watched 5x10 live?? Not knowing whats going to happen??? *Give you a hug*

I already know what was coming and still that episode left me heart broken just shattered emotionally (which is to say, also, that good writing can still make an impact even when the audience knows what's going to happen so take notes Marvel)

On another note, the 4x11 self-sacrifice lives in my head rent-free. "If you die die for something that you love" and "i'm a sociopath i dont have feelings" then she goes and kisses Root and saves them all I am on the floor bawling

the funny part is i saw bts photos from the finale that showed root and reese together and i naively thought, 'ok cool they still might die, but at least they survive until the end' and the writers really said Lol. but considering the type of show it was (and what happened to carter) and how dire things were going in s4-s5 i kinda prepared for character deaths leading up to the season. it left me numb and sad for a while, but i dont remember being extremely devastated about it. all the stuff we got with shaw dealing with it afterwards, however, that shit hurt bad. and unfortunately i love angst a lot (the writers were very good at writing sad stuff!)

my main complaint is that the death was so sudden and kinda anticlimatic (but i guess there has to be one of those to further stress how much their backs were against the wall). everyone else in the show gets a poetic death/sacrifice scene and in carter's case, at least she was killed by a significant villain in her arc and we're allowed to really feel the pain and consequences of her death, root gets taken out by a guy who started the job like two weeks ago and no time to mourn bc we're in a war Lol (and they had to rub salt in the wounds by showing us her for-sure dead body and telling us samaritan dug it up to get her implant, which while realistic, was brutal).

i feel like a lot of people talk about it as one of the worst writing decisions, but i can see why they chose to keep root's fate the same. yes, it sucked to losing a wlw character (especially when that was so close to clexa, if im not getting my times wrong), but i don't believe lgbt media should only be happy, soft stuff and that lgbt characters should be plot armor protected always. i still found a lot of meaning and emotion in the ending we got with shaw carrying on the work her team left behind with the machine and having some small piece of root to hold on to (and shaw being the only one next to fusco who never really had a lot of direct contact with the machine, getting the chance now to work closely with it and understand root more maybe that way). the show was always dealing with death/loss and grief and emphasizing how people still leave significant legacies behind and stay with us even if it's just the influence and impact they left on their surviving loved ones. i would still prefer if it had ended differently, but at least I could understand the message they were going for.

ill never stop loving 4x11 it's genuinely one of my favorite tv episodes ever. poi was very good at normalising shaw's apd and everything they did with shaw and especially what they did in the aftermath of that episode ripped me to shreds (her telling simulation root that she was her safe place and then telling real root she'd rather die than get them all killed, that made me totally normal). shaw getting the big emotional, meaningful moments in 4x11 (in the machine's simulation when she shows root one last act of kindness with 'maybe someday', the subway scene with the bomber, and of course the ending scene) was so important and well done. and root's slow-moed reactions at the end were gut-wrenching i must have rewatched that scene maybe 1000 times.

[v0idtalking]

July 1st, 2023

angry angry angry angry. hate this man angry angry hate hate hate him.

can never get rid of him either bc we are so fucking poor and have no choice I hate this country. i hate the supreme court too are you fucking kidding me not only do i have to deal with this fucking situation even though they are fucking divorced and im an adult (theres a child in the mix and i have to watch her suffer like i did and provide for her where he doesnt) but i also have to deal with increasing hate crimes and the descent into fascism and my country actively and legally discriminating against me. dont even get me started on the isolation and neglect and my powerlessness when it comes to both those things. i fucking hate.

it is so hard to keep going toward a future where i might be happy because i simply might be too poor or i might simply get fucking killed or simply fall into a depression again and again and again. it never ends. never a way out. i can only keep going and i will keep going for her because I have no choice no fucking choice never a choice and on the rare chance i do im sure I usually make the wrong one. even if i make the right one im always fucking in a rut. doomed since birth because of who and what and where and when and it never leaves and tends to get worse even under the illusion of getting better.

so angry so angry its already so hard and im just about in the most vulnerable and difficult and disheartening position out of all of them and he then goes and makes it fucking harder and im powerless and cant do anything EVER! im a fucking kid again and I will never forgive him. i never have. ive only been civil unlike fucking him.

i love parts of him but mostly i dislike the whole of him. I know i dont have to justify anything he knows what he's done over and over and how he's purposely and directly and to our faces hurt all of us. I dont have to justify but i am not as heartless as he is and i need to keep with that. i dont wish him ill will but i want him gone for almost forever and when he is gone from this world i will mourn but i will dually feel relief and if that isnt the saddest thing.

you miserable little man. are you proud of yourself. is this all worth it. you're pathetic. Yeah I will keep fucking going and it will suck the whole time but at least one day ill get us away from you and your power over us.

the power which is only financial. men like you have no power. there is only ash in your mouth where you convince yourself there is the sweetness of superiority, the sourness of being a victim. you delusional pathetic ass. one day you will be entirely alone. I will get us out from under you, out from under this scheme you pulled.

and you will have nothing. you will be nothing. and it will be your fault. and you know that. you perpetuate it for your insecure delusions. and we know it too. so go ahead and wait. god knows I am. im really just biding my time here. you may have the advantage now. but that will change and when it does you will never hear from me. i will be gone and in my absence there will be power. fuck you.

you know how this ends. enjoy your selfmade condemnation. it will feel a lot worse than how youve made us feel and what im feeling now. live with it you miserable old shit. try living with yourself and see what happens 🖕

[dontkickmyshin]

LIKEEEE

(spoilers under the cut)

to explain the context of this song (would've could've should've from midnights) taylor is talking about how if she never met the man who groomed her at a young age, she never would've experienced many things that resulted in her losing her innocence so quickly.

obvi this situation isn't super specific to donald, but i think you get how it speaks to how if his whole...childhood situation didn't happen he'd never have sold his soul with the union. he'd have grown into a sweet and kind boy who loves chocolate and is the top of his class and is en route to becoming a future nasa engineer, but now he's the boss of a criminal empire and is committing real estate fraud. he runs from his memories now that he's older, from the feeling of being weak and pitiful, being bullied in school and beat up by his stepdad at home with his new persona.

he's too terrified to confront the past and hides from it under the illusion of strength, but simultaneously he holds it close as a reminder of what might become of him if he doesn't keep striving, keep working till he dominates anything and everything.

the way taylor sings the bridge is so full of ??desperation?? the chorus is fast-paced, with a tone of regret and anguish that creates anticipation for the bridge. which taylor delivers, by the way, bc if the tone of the chorus is one of despair and haunting memories, the bridge practically blares it in your face!!

'God rest my soul, I miss who I used to be' carries resignation and hopelessness, and it reminds me of how donald transformed himself completely into someone he hated. he covered himself head to toe in tattoos even though they disgusted him, pierced every available inch of skin on his ears and his face (thank Razen he didnt get a nose piercing though🙏🙏THAT WAS NEVER THE MOVE) and bought those expensive but scary ass clothes just so he could pull off his 'intimidating' image. he invested so much time and so much money...for what?

i read on Genius.com that 'the tomb won't close' means taylor can't find peace with her situation despite trying. similarly, donald has never stopped hurting because of his past, yet he doesn't confront it. he runs from the pain in an attempt to escape without realising he's just running in circles.

verse three has GOT to be my favourite part in the song. you can really feel the frustration delivered by the last two lines of the song as the pitch and speed increases (soz hope im not wrong in saying this). it reminds me of how donald initially felt ashamed of the helplessness displayed in his childhood and adamant that he never experience it again, versus donald right before his death, finally looking back on his younger self with love and protectiveness.

it also holds the feeling that you get when you feel as if something has been taken from you. donald feels the unfairness of his childhood and innocence being robbed from him at such an early age. he mourns the injustice that his younger self was treated with, and my personal interpretation is that he wishes he could change it. it's normal when you feel like something was stolen from you...which in his case, it most definitely was.

donald is also SUCH a mirrorball girly. yes, he's always been a natural at everything (he's strong, he's smart, and he's sexy. what CAN'T he do?) but he's done nothing but try all his life. he had to work so hard from such an early age, and he could never stop to take a break, because if he stops, he dies. his mom is dead. his stepdad has left him. he's a newly orphaned 13 year old with no money and no school. if he doesn't look after himself, he passes away on the streets.

he never wanted to do crime. even in the union, he wanted to gravitate more towards the business parts of his job. he never got to experience a life where he got to do what he wanted rather than have to fight for survival all the time. he never got the option to learn that he doesnt have to live the rest of his life punished for his poverty and broken home.

because yk, there wasn't a 'rest of his life'.

the archer is another song. don't think i have to explain how the first couple of lyrics express the loneliness he felt in his journey to the top, but ARGHHHH!! the lines 'i cut off my nose just to spite my face, then hate my reflection for years and years...' it's so him, covering his whole body with tatts knowing he'll feel repulsed everytime he looks in the mirror.

the rest of the verse imo, embody the panic and trauma he must've felt with his circumstances that he probably subdued while he was alive.

i bet on losing dogs and class of 2013 by mitski are also honorable mentions

so kudos to taylor for being able to write music that panders not just to academically burnt out eldest daughters but also seventeen year old mafia bosses created by (assumably) generational poverty and a screwed up system

@weakhero-diaries

do you guys get it if i say donald na is taylor swift coded

[imashoe69420]

hiii! <3

i was hoping we could get a post movie leo where reader got like really bad hurt by the kraang, and they're in a coma for a longlong time and then they finally wake up, but they still have a lot of recovering to do and leo's reaction through it all?

i know this is a pretty sad concept but im a sucker for angst and i need more of it in this fandom tbh lol i hope this is ok to request!!

I love when y’all say this bc I fucking love writing angst bc I get to interpret Leo and the reader’s dynamic. And I do agree that we need more, I love fluff but cmonnnnn 😩

But I will try my best to fulfill your request! :)

=================================

I Still Need You

Rise!Leo X Injured!Reader (Part 1)

Prompt: When you go into a coma after the Kraang Battle, Leo takes it harder than the rest of his brothers.

Pronouns: Gender Neutral (they/them)

Relationship: Dating (official)

Timeline: Post!Movie

Warnings ⚠️: Strong language, angst, blood, mourning, mentions of trauma

Look here for part 2

================================

“C’mon, (Y/N),” Leo urged them as he carried them towards the Med Bay within the lair, “stay with me!”

Their eyelids flickered, staring up at the turtle. “Leo… I wanna… I wanna sleep..”

“No!” Leo somewhat shouted at them. “Don’t go to sleep! Just keep looking at me, baby. We’re gonna get you fixed up. Just keep your eyes on me.”

But little could be done. Their boyfriend focused and unfocused in and out of their vision. “Leo… am I gonna die…?”

He stared down at them, a look of anguish defining his features. In all honesty, he didn’t know. When Raph threw the debris off of your still form, all he saw was blood. Blood and ash from the crumbling building. Adrenaline stopped him from standing and staring too long as he instantly scooped her up and headed to the lair with the rest of his brothers.

Leo couldn’t lie to them. “Just keep looking at me. Don’t close your eyes.”

Right from the very beginning of the invasion, he had told (Y/N) to stay behind in the lair. They were as stubborn as always and followed Splinter and April to the surface, and he only knew of this when he heard them on the mics they all had on them. He’d told them to go back to safety, but they were determined to help him and his brothers defeat the Kraang. The last thing Leo had heard from them was a scream and then their mic cut out.

When Leo entered the Med Bay, he shouted for Donnie as he gently laid (Y/N)—who’d passed out by now—down on a vacant gurney.

The purple clad turtle rushed into the room with a box containing Saline solution. He hooked it onto the IV pole and attempted to find a vein within (Y/N)’s arm before Leo piped up.

“They don’t need that!” The turtle exclaimed as he grabbed Donnie’s shoulder. “You have to stop the bleeding! They’re bleeding from somewhere!”

Shrugging his hand off and sneering, Donnie finally pushed the needle into their arm. “It doesn’t work like that, Leo. They need fluids before I can do anything.”

Just then, the blue clad turtle realized he’d been shaking the entire time. Shaking with both anxiety and anger. “Donnie, they’re gonna fucking die! Don’t you realize that?! (Y/N)’s gonna—”

“Dammit, Leo!” The older twin bottled his fist, striking the floor in protest. “I’m trying my best! You’re distracting me so you need to leave!”

Everything seemed to go in slow motion after his brother’s demand. Leave? Leave them? After all they’d been through, he was just going to leave them alone? Leo went to say something, but then gazed down at his blood ridden hands and plastron. Thoughts rushed through his mind as the turtle began to breathe heavily.

This was his fault, he thought. If he had just let Raph get the key, the Kraang wouldn’t have been unleashed from the Prison Dimension. Casey wouldn’t have been raised in a post apocalyptic world. Everyone and everything would be normal. He should’ve been more deliberate in telling (Y/N) to go back underground rather. He was the cause of their pain and potential death.

He then suddenly felt a hand caressed his wrist, breaking him out of his pity party. “Leo, I need you to get a grip. (Y/N) will be fine if you let me help them. So, please. You have to go.”

“I…” is all Leo could utter before Donnie returned to (Y/N) to tend to their wounds.

Despite the harshness of his words, they stuck in the blue turtle’s mind. His partner was dying and harassing their only help wasn’t useful. There didn’t need to be anymore blood on his hands. He’d fucked up enough already, he thought.

~~~

For the next few days, Leo slept at the entrance of the Med Bay. Donnie didn’t allow him to see them until they were stabilized. The brothers had argued the first and second time, the younger twin claiming he had every right to see his partner no matter their condition. Donnie argued that (Y/N) still needed to be moderated and didn’t need Leo to stress them out.

(Y/N) had developed seizures that lasted longer the more they occurred, forcing the scientist to put them in a medically induced coma. His twin wasn’t happy about that either on the grounds of the improbability of them ever waking up.

“Leo, this isn’t a debate.” Donnie groaned as he stood behind the glass at Med Bay entrance with another IV bag in his hand. “(Y/N) needs time to heal and coming in to profusely ask them if they’re okay isn’t helpful.”

A fist formed at Leo’s side, glaring at his brother. “All I’m asking for is to see them.”

Donatello shook his head with a sigh. “You don’t want to see them right now. Trust me.”

“Then—” but again, his brother ambled further into the Med Bay, blatantly ignoring him.

It made him angry that he wasn’t being heard. Earlier that day the first argument ensued, Leo had witnessed Raph enter the Med Bay as he was returning from breakfast with his youngest brother. The twin pounded on the door demanding to be let in, but he wasn’t sure if they had even heard him or his older brothers were ignoring his pleas.

The idea of what (Y/N) was going through provoked instant nausea, leading Leo to stay in the bathroom by the toilet for hours. Nothing stayed down and it was as if he made himself physically sick from worry.

Eventually, Mikey grew concerned when he’d heard dry heaving and entered the bathroom only to be turned away.

“I’m alright, Mikey.” Leo reassured him. “Please just leave.”

The youngest brother didn’t know exactly what to say. This was Raph’s area of expertise. He would’ve said something motivational or profound, but all the orange clad turtle could do was crouch down next to him and place his hand against Leo’s shell as he expelled into the toilet once more.

In a way, Mikey had been left in the dark with (Y/N)’s condition, too. He assumed Donnie thought he’d tell Leo what was going on with him. But looking at his lethargic brother now, he felt like he owed him some kind of update.

So later that day, Mikey took it upon himself to call his brother and plead with him to let him or Leo know how (Y/N) was doing.

“Don, Leo’s losing it. He was literally throwing up just a few hours ago. Why can’t you just tell me what’s happening with them. Just to keep him from—”

“Mikey,” Donnie cut him off, “did he put you up to this?”

The orange turtle furrowed his eyebrows. “Wha—no! I said I—”

Through the phone, Mikey heard loud pounding footsteps grow louder until they paused and he heard the voice of his oldest brother. “Listen, Mikey. I know you and Leo are worried about them, but you have to understand that we don’t even fully know their condition. We will let you know when (Y/N) is better.”

The youngest turtle attempted to say something else, but the call dropped right after Raph had finished his sentence.

~~~

A week passed. (Y/N) was still in the coma and Leo was still sleeping at the Med Bay entrance. In fact, he’d gone from sleeping there to basically moving his entire room into the narrow space.

One night on his way out of the wing, Donnie almost tripped over the younger twin and the spread of comic books and blankets scattered across the floor. The scientist grumbled in frustration, gazing down at the mess.

He squatted down to his brother’s side and shook him slightly. “Leo, wake up. You can’t sleep here anymore if you’re gonna leave all this here.”

Leo glanced at him before snatching his shoulder away, turning the opposite way. “I can sleep wherever I want.”

“Sure—but not where people can trip over you.” He began collecting the comics, placing them into neat stacks.

The blue turtle sized Donnie up as he organized his comics before sighing. “Do you even care? You’re seriously more concerned about everybody else tripping over someone—your own brother—that’s been sleeping on the floor for over a week?”

Donnie grumbled as he set the final comics down on the stack. “I do care, Leo. My problem is you don’t trust me. You know I know what I’m doing. Just trust that I will tell you when (Y/N) is better.”

“But I don’t!” He swiped his hand through the middle on the comic pile, swiftly knocking it over. Leo leapt to his feet, Donnie copying his action. “I don’t fucking trust you. It’s been a week and I don’t even know if (Y/N) is alive! Them ending up like this is my fault so I should be allowed to have a part in this. I’ve literally been sick to my fucking stomach for days and you just don’t give a fuck. So no, I don’t trust you. Not with this, Donnie.”

The scientist’s expression remained stoic, which only pissed off Leo more.

Realistically, Donnie did care to an extent. He cared that his brother was getting physically sick from worry. He cared that his brother was sleeping at the entrance of the Med Bay. But he knew all Leo’s worries would be resolved if (Y/N) was awake and stable. If Leo saw how they looked right now, he’d surely break down and act the way he did when he first brought them to the lair.

Right now, (Y/N) was covered in needles leading to IV bags full of various fluids as well as an oxygen and feeding tube. Before they and Leo started dating, (Y/N) would hang out in Donnie’s lab. Most of the time, they would talk his ear off about subjectively meaningless topics. Other times, they’d help him out. The two grew closer until Leo swooped in and ruined everything. They didn’t talk to Donnie as often, mostly going out somewhere with their boyfriend.

To Donnie, his brother’s current demeanor was unjustified. For years, Leo had (Y/N) all to himself. Would it kill him to be without them for a few weeks? He’d stolen his friend, and while what the older twin was doing wasn’t intentionally vindictive, he didn’t feel all that bad for Leo.

The older twin pinched the bridge of his nose and exhaled. “Listen… I’m doing my best to get (Y/N) stable enough for you to see them. I’m not a miracle worker—I’m not even a doctor. Do you think I’m not stressed out, too? Like I’m just okay with my friend being in a coma? Did you think I liked doing that?” Donnie fought off tears as he continued. “You have no reason not to trust me. They were mine before they were yours, so don’t pretend that I don’t care! Don’t insinuate that I’d lie about their condition! And stop throwing the same goddamn pity party for yourself. Nobody is pressing you except yourself. I am the only one that’s been getting harped on, so shut the fuck up!” He then stomped passed the glass doors into the Med Bay.

Anger—no, malice suddenly consumed Leo as he stared daggers into the back of Donnie’s head. Who the fuck did he think he was? “They were mine before they were yours”. (Y/N) had always been his. And why did he feel the need to bring it up at this moment in time? What was his point in saying that?

Malice soon took control of his body as he flew past the glass doors, charging at his older twin.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Author’s Note: Soooo I’m realizing this is getting super long and there’s so much more I want to write, so I’m breaking it up into two (possibly three) parts.(´∀｀)

The second part should be coming out a day or two after this part is posted, so keep watch if you’re interested!

~ Han7a

[jaskicr]

reverse au BUT canon universe geralt and jaskier are sent to an alternate universe where their roles are reversed but they remember their canon lives

ft. bamf jaskier and blushy geralt

canon universe geralt and jaskier touch a weird artefact and they’re sent to an alternate universe where jaskier is a witcher and geralt is human

(this is established relationship)

so they grow up without memories of their past (???) selves but they get vague impressions/dreams that tell them something’s not right

they regain their full memories they’re 15/16 ish

jaskier is born first. he’s sent to kaer morhen and goes through the training and the trials to become a witcher (he gets extra mutations bc i said so, im a sucker for witcher!jaskier with white hair and cat eyes ok)

he remembers his life as a bard when he’s 16, not long before he sets out on the path

and he realises that geralt isn’t with him in kaer morhen - he’s in the cohort geralt would have been, he’s friends with eskel and all that, but geralt isn’t here

and jaskier thinks that whatever happened, geralt must be dead

it hurts, as he walks around kaer morhen, knowing that geralt should be there, knowing that, in another life, geralt had walked within the same walls

but jaskier still holds out hope, returning to kaer morhen every winter and hoping that someone like geralt would show up

but geralt never does, and on his travels, jaskier asks mages and researches to find a way to reverse whatever was done, but he can’t

after maybe 2 decades, jaskier gives up and properly mourns the witcher he had known, who doesn’t exist here

once, he tries picking up the lute, but it hurts too much. it reminds him of what he’s lost, reminds him that geralt isn’t here

he puts down the lute and picks up his swords. he doesn’t touch the lute after that

something like blaviken still happens but maybe in a different way bc it’s jaskier

a few decades after jaskier is born, geralt is born into a noble family

from a young age, he’s unnervingly good at sword fighting and combat, and he enjoys it, but something draws him to music

at first geralt isn’t very good at it, but there’s an inexplicable urge within him that tells him to continue, a quiet yearning for melody and music that makes him want to be good at it

so he goes to oxenfurt, and that’s when he remembers being a witcher once, remembers the path, remembers jaskier

and he searched desperately for jaskier. he scours the campus, asking professors and students, searching the faculty and alumni

but no one has heard of jaskier

and geralt knows that there’s no way that jaskier wouldn’t have gone to oxenfurt - the only reason jaskier isn’t here, isn’t in whatever universe this is, is because he’s dead

geralt vows to live in jaskier’s memory, and he takes up the lute

he misses jaskier’s singing, misses his songs. so he learns the lute, learns to sing, so that there’s always a part of jaskier with him

when geralt graduates from oxenfurt, he sets out on the road

in a fit of nostalgia, he travels to posada, something bittersweet and wistful rising within him

unbeknownst to geralt, jaskier is heading to posada as well, tracking a contract

they unknowingly end up in the same tavern

at this point, jaskier has learnt to tune out bards. it hurts too much to remember what he’ll never have, so he doesn’t register the bard that’s playing right now

geralt is playing when he spots a dark figure in the corner, black armour and swords marking him out as a witcher

it’s all too familiar, and a tentative hope blooms in geralt’s heart

maybe -

he makes his way over, heart hammering, and says the words etched deep into his memory

‘i love the way you just.. sit in the corner and brood’

and geralt’s heart is in his throat, hoping and hoping and hoping for the right response

and jaskier hears a familiar voice saying words he had said, a lifetime ago

jaskier raises his head and sees a familiar face, a face he knows as well as his own despite the different hair and eyes and stature, and his heart stutters

it can’t be. but it is. and jaskier just knows.

geralt almost cries when unnaturally bright blue eyes with slitted pupils rise to meet his, set in a familiar face marked by a long scar and framed by silver hair

‘i’m here to drink alone’

it’s this familiar exchange, repeated but reversed, that lets them know that the other remembers, that they’re here

and for the first time since they woke up in this different world, they feel complete

they bask in the moment, drinking each other in, because they’ve found each other, and even if they’re different, even if everything is different, they’re together

geralt slides into the seat opposite jaskier, and it’s so, so familiar, but so different

‘i thought you were dead,’ geralt whispers

jaskier smiles, a small and sad thing, but he reaches over and grabs geralt’s hand. their callouses are reversed, now. jaskier’s hands are rough from the grips of his swords, and geralt’s fingers are padded from years of playing the lute

‘me too,’ jaskier confesses softly. then his smile turns slightly more playful. ‘i didn’t think you’d have red hair and green eyes. you look good.’

then geralt ducks his head and blushes under his freckles (yes he has freckles it’s hella adorable ok) and jaskier is fascinated bc he’s never seen geralt blush

(and he!! has freckles!!!)

‘this suits you,’ geralt mumbles, still blushing. he peeks out from under his lashes and jaskier sort of melts. ‘the hair and the eyes, i mean.’

and, well. jaskier had been insecure about his mutations that mark him as something other, something inhuman, but hearing geralt’s acceptance of him...

jaskier squeezes geralt’s hand, still in awe that he’s here, he’s real. they’re here, together. ‘i missed you.’

geralt beams, and jaskier‘s heart warms at how easily geralt seems to smile now. ‘i missed you too.’

the elves happen pretty much the same way apart from the fact that geralt and jaskier expecting it

and when geralt follows jaskier, neither of them object to it

they try to find out what happened to them, but all they’ve figured out is that their lives have been reversed, and no one else seems to be affected

so they travel the continent together trying to find an explanation or a cure

they try to return to the place where they found the artefact, but they only find a patch of dirt

jaskier brings geralt to kaer morhen

they ask vesemir about their situation (and geralt aches at the fact that his old mentor doesn’t know him), but he has no idea

eskel and lambert look at geralt with no recognition, and it hurts

but they take to geralt easily, and in no time, it’s almost like they’re back in their own world

they find yen earlier than they do in canon. she’s hostile at first, not knowing why they’re seeking her out, but when she hears their story she’s intrigued and promises to try and find a cure

in the meantime they try to settle into the new lives and new dynamic

they both have two lifetimes in their heads, two whole lives that are theirs, that they’ve lived

of course, they’re not the same people, shaped by new experiences as well as old

geralt is more open, more affectionate, more vocal with his thoughts and feelings. he smiles more, and he’s less gruff with others, though he still isn’t completely comfortable in social interactions

jaskier is a bit quieter, a result of his witcher upbringing. he’s still mostly open about his emotions, and being around geralt makes him smile and chatter liked he used to, but there’s a hypervigilance in him borne out of his witcher training, something lethal and deadly

they learn about each other again, finding new things to love and explore

now, geralt is the one who plays in taverns, and jaskier is the one who takes contracts

geralt still retains the skills and memories of his training as a witcher. though he lacks the enhanced strength, he can still fight, and jaskier gets some lightweight swords for him

geralt helps out on contracts sometimes, when he’s confident that he won’t get hurt. jaskier is reluctant at first, but concedes that geralt should be able to hold his own against weaker monsters

that’s when geralt realises that witcher!jaskier is a huge bamf and also very buff (buff jaskier rights!!!) and geralt really shouldn’t like it as much as he does

jaskier also looks unfairly good in armour with his swords in his hands

and now he understands why jaskier used to be obsessed about his black eyes after taking a potion, because HNNNG

with geralt by his side, jaskier doesn’t mind playing the lute again. it doesn’t hurt like it used to, with geralt by his side once more

geralt lends jaskier his lute and jaskier plucks out tentative notes on the strings, before he launches into one of his songs

jaskier’s voice is rough and untrained, lacking the oxenfurt training he used to have as a bard, but it’s pleasant and sweet, and geralt joins in, their voices twining together in a lovely duet

jaskier doesn’t join geralt when he sings in taverns, fearful of how humans would react, but on the road, they sometimes sing together, and it’s unexpectedly nice

(maybe jaskier gets a glamour at some point, and the continent discovers that the famed bard geralt occasionally gains a partner)

as a witcher, geralt had been unable to lash out at the people who’d insulted him and attacked him

but now, he’s human, and watching jaskier’s shoulders slump as humans spit vitriol at him, well, geralt gets to be feral now

he’s far more dangerous than jaskier had been as a bard. sure, bard jaskier was feral, but he lacked the skills that geralt remembers from his time as a witcher

the humans don’t stand a chance against geralt, and jaskier is the one hauling geralt out of fights now, and many taverns witness a white-haired witcher dragging his redheaded bard out as he yanks him into a fierce kiss

they’re both very soft and very gone on one another. geralt is far more tactile now and jaskier does not mind. they cuddle a lot and jaskier is the big spoon

they’re both openly affectionate, there’s a lot of soft hand holding and hair braiding and casual touches and like. they’re just soft, ok?

jaskier makes it his mission to make geralt blush as much as possible, because it’s adorable

(he also discovers how far down that blush goes, and geralt gets to witness jaskier’s witcher strength and stamina)

they make it work. jaskier gets insecure sometimes, knowing that his features are unnatural and scarred and nothing like what he’d looked like as a bard

but geralt reassures him, telling him that he’s beautiful no matter what

sometimes, geralt hates his own human frailty, how weak he is without his enhanced strength and how easily he gets hurt

but jaskier shows him everything he loves about geralt’s human body, telling him how happy he is that geralt gets to live a life without the suffering of a witcher

and the longer they’re together and the more they get to know each other all over again, they become less sure whether they want a cure or not

geralt likes being a human bard. humans don’t hate him anymore, and he likes being a bard more than he thought he would

but he knows that jaskier is, by nature, someone who loves people. and watching jaskier be rejected by prejudiced humans makes geralt’s heart hurt, because jaskier loves people so fucking much, and now he’s hated by them

but jaskier doesn’t mind being a witcher either. he can help people now, even if they’re ungrateful. there’s a deep satisfaction as he slays monsters terrorising innocents, and like this, he also gets to protect geralt

(not that geralt needs protecting, but still, it’s nice. and geralt has realised that he quite likes jaskier swooping in to save him aka picking him up in his arms)

and jaskier sees how free and easy and open this geralt is, unburdened by decades of hatred and conflict, and he wants this for geralt, wants geralt to know the happiness of a human life without being hated by the very people he helps

both of them like the lives they lead now, and they don’t know if they want to go back. but their old life is the original world, and they still wonder if they should go back

idk how it ends - either they somehow find a cure and return to canon universe with a whole load of new experiences, or they never find a cure and they learn to live in this new world

or maybe they do find a cure and decide that they’ll stay in this world because they’ve learnt to accept and love each other even with the changes, and it’s their world now

there’s a fic for this now!

[wokestraightpuffy]

Hallo, i hope you are alright and that my ask aren’t annoying but I wanted to ask do you have any c!puffy headcannons? —🤡

YOURE NOT ANNOYING AT ALL !!! NEVER THINK THAT ILU VERY MUCH. MUAH /p

as for c!puffy headcanons, i am not the best person to ever organize their thoughts properly but ill try my best >:’D

ahaha. this got. super complex and way too long and more of like an introspective study to puffy now instead of harmless fun headcanons so, uh. under read more <3 (also reminder this is all /rp and /dsmp)

* i like to think that she has a hero complex, but its a bit different since she never really sees herself as an ‘important’ part of the story, not the main character but a support one, hence ‘im fine with being the side character’ or how she’s said she doesnt care what happens to her and would gladly sacrifice(?) herself if there werent other people she had to protect. girl u need therapy urself <3

* though very open with how she feels and never afraid to say when someone/something is upsetting her, ‘opening up’ is still a whole mountain climb for her, apparently. like, she’d rant about the egg, get mad at the eggpire, let off some steam by committing arson or exploding stuff, she’ll rarely ever talk about how much the stuff that upset her actually HURT her. does that make sense? LIKE, she’ll lash out, she’ll get mad, she’ll take NO SHIT thrown at her face, but to show the kinda vulnerability of dealing with that? to cry about it talk about those feelings with someone? I think she’d rather eat her own foot lol

* adding onto the thing above, she doesnt necessarily actually realize this about herself. less of actively doing it and rather growing... used to the ‘cycle of violence’ in the smp as they call it. and the fact that rarely have people really asked, that no one’s actually available for that, w her losing her closest friends, bad and ant, sam being busy w the warden stuff... and niki. yeah. there’s foolish, but i doubt she’d ever see venting to someone she considers her son appealing

* also. puffy is just sometimes... really bad at conveying sadness. i think she’s a rare crier. id go as far to say that shes even more emotionally constipated than dream, lol (but maybe not while the guy’s in his prison arc) and that she’d be the type of person to tell you its okay to cry but beat herself up over something if she let a tear slip in a heated moment

* speaking of sadness. she’ll only ever actually Be Sad if she’s alone or with someone she doesnt necessarily care the opinions of. yknow how she mourned for tommy and blamed herself? those dialogue bits? yeah, those are only times shed actually be vulnerable

* puffy’s go to response to the egg and how its fucked up her relationship w her friends is pure fury. but, going off of her line about ‘failing bad and ant’ i like to think that she probably hates herself the most about it. THAT IS A STRONG WORD LOL BUT YEAH. she yells and curses and gets mad, but sometimes i wonder if the words she had spat before were more directed to herself

* THIS GIRL HAS SELF-IDENTITY PROBLEMS. CAN WE GET A HELL YEAH FOR THAT CHAT? outside of having no goddamn clue about where she came from, how she got here and who she even is, scrounging up a role for herself in a server with a war on the background and traumatized kids got her resignedly coerced into thinking that she is only a Parent. Only good enough when she’s actually doing something Useful for people. SO. when she finds that ship? of having a crew and having a curse? OF FINDING OUT SHE MIGHT HAVE/ HAVE HAD A MOM THATS WAITING FOR HER?  the sense of control she has on herself is absolutely crushed. shattered, and she’s left to pick up the pieces w no one to talk abt it with <3

* adding onto the above, it’s why the line ‘I’m supposed to be mama puffy. me.’ hurts me so much! so yes! please cry with me :D

* also to add more on the fact that she thinks she’s only worth something when she’s being useful, puffy literally contemplated leaving the server, thinking that it wouldnt matter leaving since no one really needs her anyway, since she’s failed so many people. bad and ant, tommy, dream. shes said how foolish can take care of himself on how tubbo and ranboo have each other, how she and niki have drifted so far away from each that it might as well be a break up.

HOOOOOOOOOO OBOY . anon youve really given me the perfect chance to ramble huh? sorry for the rather incomprehensible brainrot, here’s more lighthearted headcanons about puffy asdhfkd

* she cannot stand still sometimes. she always has to be doing something extra, walking when the prime path is right there? shed rather go through tedious little holes or hop and balance onto fences to get where shes going. she’ll mindlessly fix up the path when there are holes or mismatched wood, and one time went on a long, long LONG journey cleaning up the paths tommy purposely DESTROYED near lmanburg and even added cobblestone sidings which werent there before

* puffys a bit of a sentimental person. writing in her log to clear her thoughts sometimes and cared enough to try and preserve lmanburg with the glass sheet and trying to find possible surviving artifacts of history to respect it, even though she’s never been a part of it. its also why, when doomsday happened and lmanburg got permanently poofed, she began to appreciate the buildings that are still standing and began taking more pics 

* she’s not used to being... what do you call it, um, cared for? she’d deflect compliments sometimes, when shes having a particular bad day, like, she’d laugh nervously and change the subject, sometimes she’d outright deny it, most days she’d jokingly say ‘staphhh it’ and add a very genuine thanks. my point being is, do something for puffy that is mildly nice and she’d keep that moment in her heart forever. 

* also funny story regarding the above. u know how karl is notorious for stealing her materials? and how puffy was contemplating doing something in retaliation for them? karl says hi for once when she joins the server and she goes ‘alright fine youre safe for saying hi’ LOL THIS WAS PROBABLY A BIT META WISE but something about this implying that the bare minimum or LESS is enough to make puffy forgive someone is very sad and funny at the same time for me. girl really said ‘oh you said hi to me? thats nice all the crimes youve ever done towards me is now forgiven. <3’ (this is a bit of an exaggeration on my part, ofc, i just think its funny LMAO) 

* ironically, despite being the ‘captain’, whenever riding a boat with someone, she prefers being on the backseat and letting them drive. ig shes just there for the ride i suppose, her and her uber drivers :3

 * she either has a rather unhealthy obsession with baked potatoes or she just doesnt wanna waste eret’s massive potato farm

* idc what cc!puffy says is c!puffy will always and forever be 5′2″ in my HEART. u are the shortest member, u cannot change this <3

* shes really fond of animals/ neutral mobs. she often baby talks to them and they help boost her mood a lot when shes having a bad day :D

* up to this day, the little secret rooms she’s created around the server have all been yet to be discovered, unless the one under bad’s house has been found. she rarely ever really keeps tabs on them, and more often than not they are just collecting dust. she still visits sometimes and cleans them up ofc

* she still genuinely thinks dream can change. cc!puffy’s line about that, ‘i’m his last hope.’ really makes me think about this a lot. 

* ive seen people talk abt it a bit but the headcanon that puffy acts as the server mom to fill the ‘void’ of her missing her mom makes me cry at night /hj

* she really likes her rainbow onesie! i headcanon that eret gave her that along w the sunglasses, but she started wearing that less when she found her old captains uniform. shes never really said why, though, and nobody ever really bothered to ask

* god bless this woman but sometimes the server members get on her nerves sometimes so she goes out of her way to traverse along far away from the main community to maybe commit a few crimes. let off some steam. these take a few days but she always returns

i probably have a lot more hcs but i cant remember them >_> THIS IS A LOT ANYWAY. HOPE U ENJOYED MY BRAIN VOMIT. IF U READ THIS FAR ILU THANK U

if there are mistakes it is bc i am crying and cannot see my keyboard and also i am sleep deprived /hj

[gunpowderdtim]

Jonny Playlist Song Justification Post

I am making this for myself and no other reason.

Playlist link

You’re all Scotch, No Soda - Sarah and the Safe Word

Jonny when Jonny was first joining Jacks, before things got really really bad. Basically the part of Jony’s life that was just I Guess Im Working For Jacks Now Okay

Bust Your Kneecaps -  Pomplamoose

Jonny working for Jacks, things are bad now. This is Jacks threatening Jonny. This song is also in my Ashes playlist. For flare, the song is directed at a Jonny

Devil’s Point - Wicked Shallows

Jonny meeting Carmilla.

Dirty Town - Mother Mother

Jonny thinking about leaving New Texas. Not really a perfect fit, but it fits enough.

Boy Like Me - Barns Courtney

Jonny kills his father and jacks, this song acts as the aftermath and the between stage before he’s mechanized but after the casino burned.

A Sadness Runs Through Him - The Hoosiers

Jonny’s death song, sort of, a commentary on Jonny’s life up until his death that this song represents.

Spaceman - The Killers

Jonny Is Mechanized - Jonny Point Of View 

Little Lion Man - Mumford & Sons

Carmilla about Jonny’s death

Johnny Boy - Twenty One Pilots

Jonny Is Mechanized - Carmilla Point Of View. aka Carmilla mechanizing Jonny and loving her son

Dopamine - Barns Courtney

Jonny On Being Mechanized.

Wired Wrong - Steam Powered Giraffe

Jonny’s mechanism has glitches

O My Heart - Mother Mother

Jonny on his heart

Go Get Your Gun - The Dear Hunters

Jonny stops being so emo about being immortal and he and carmilla start vibing again. Aka Jonny Becomes A Chaos Lad! The song.

Hobo Rocket - Barns Courtney

Jonny vibing as a young chaotic immortal somewhere. Shit isnt bad yet.

Alone Together - Fall Out Boy

Nastya is mechanized. 

The Attractions Of Youth - Barns Courtney

Jonny vibing but in a less chaotic sence. Nastya has been mechanized, theyre vibing together here. 

Autoclave - The Mountain Goats

This is just a Jonny song. I put it here bc I imagine it after Nastya being mechanized.

The Stars - Steam Powered Giraffe

The other mechansims are being mechanized and the chaos begins. 

Fire - Barns Courtney

This is another just a Jonny song. I put it here bc its post other mechs and he’s just vibing lmao.

Saturn suv - Fredo Disco

Jonny is a depressed teenager asmr

The Fall - Half Alive

Things are getting not great with Carmilla.

Haze - Tessa Violet

Jonny is not okay. Thats what this song is. Jonny is not good.

Be Nice To Me - The Front Bottoms

Shit going down with Carmilla

Centuries - Fall Out Boy

Tim is mechanized.

November - David Wirsig

And now shit is Really Bad with Carmilla. Starts with a reflection on the beginning, leading into the now, which is bad.

Spaceship - Art Sorority

Jonny thinking about things like getting rid of carmilla, of carmilla leaving, leading up to the first airlocking. Spesifically thinking about leaving Aurora himself but its also the build up to the airlocking.

The Cave - Mumford And Sons

Song is about Jonny and Carmilla’s relationship leading to the now, from start to end, and her leaving. Carmilla singing. The conversation leading to her leaving. This is her point of view.

Like A Staring Contest - The Future Kings of Nowhere

Jonny realizing the hopelessness of he and Carmilla’s relationship and how its doomed, the forelorn mourning half, the she’s my mom and she’s going to leave half, the i love her half, the we both know this is going to break and this is doomed but neither of us want to let go, despite the fact its for the best. i think about this song for them constantly.

Carnivore - Bear Attack!

The angry side of it, Jonny hating Carmilla, Jonny hating what she’s done to them, hating how she hurts them, Jonny’s anger. Jonny’s livid churning anger. He’s done with her bullshit, he’s done with her, and he wants her gone.

Damn These Vampires - The Mountain Goats

Jonny thoughout his entire life leading to this moment, another reflection song leading to now. Eerily spesific. 

Hell - Dear Sherlock

Post Carmilla Lows

Rather Die - Barns Courney

Post Carmilla High. Another Jonny vibing song!!! He Is Simply Vibing So Much Here. 

Kitchen Fork - Jack Conte

Jonny angst song. He’s just. Not vibing lmao.

Ship in a bottle - fin (Steffan Argus)

Jonny is “captain” now. This song represents that transition to that. This song is about Jonny being the “leader” now.

Sleepwalk - Forrest Day

Jonny angst asmr. this song is a bop. Look he has nightmares n this vibes with him. Kinda about Jonny’s trauma manifesting w/ violence and being awful

Glitter & Gold - Barns Courtney

Jonny is vibing now! This song is highkey about Jonny being immortal and is genuinely just a song where he vibes with only a bit of angst

Im Gonna Win - Rob Cantor

Jonny vibing even more!! We’ve reached songs that are litterally just him vibing!! This songs dark bits are applicable to him though!! Kinda him recovering from Carmilla Trauma in some places

Dont Threaten Me With A Good Time - Panic! at the disco

He’s vibing

Wilson - Fall Out Boy

Jonny litterally just being drunk n stupid

Long Long Time Ago - Jack Conte

Jonny being a cryptid on a random planet. This is a song about the crytid known as Jonny D’Ville.

Give Me Back The Night - Mother Mother

Out. In a bop way. This is out. This is out if out were one of my top 100 songs.

Little Boy - Barns Courtney

Jonny reflecting on his life, his whole existance, and looking back to who he was as a kid, until now. The beginning of the death arc.

Home - Barns Courtney 

Jonny reflecting on his heart, on his life continued. He knows he’s ending soon. 

Tell Me How It Ends - David Wirsig

Jonny knowing his death is soon. Jonny knowing he is ending. Jonny reflecting on Carmilla. Jonny on his death, and the fact that like everything else, he is a story.

Space Cowboy - Abney Park

Jonny dies. this makes me cry, having this song last.

[inosukeslefttoe]

lmao just to be sad abt them again,,, i started ch 3 and it just... hurts so bad knowing that not only is taka mourning the loss of his Best Bro and their friend and just that whole fucked up situation, but he is blaming himself for the whole thing.... again,, hes the ult moral compass so obviously his feelings are all muddled up and hes taking it so hard bc like, his best bro killed their friend but at the same there were so many complications and layers to it that taka doesnt rlly know what was the right thing to do in this situation, and he ends up just putting all blame on himself for it. and you can tell by the time machine bit and his interaction with alter ego that he thinks its all his fault that his homies are dead bc he shouldve been there for mondo to talk to/let his emotions out to,, and he shouldve been there to protect chihiro so nothing bad wouldve happened :,) hes supposed to be the perfect guy and the perfect friend but now hes let the ppl he loved most in this place down and they are gone. it also hurts bc the fact that hes obsessing over how he couldve changed it still shows his unwavering faith in mondo and belief that mondo is a good person and would never have done such a terrible thing and like... idk at the beginning he seemed to be rlly judgy of ppl and kinda looked down on those who arent as good as him,,, but now we get to see again how close his bond with mondo was that taka took all the blame on himself instead of placing any on mondo... AND IM JUST SAD AGAIN LMAO (oh and also i think this shows some development for taka bc he never rlly had many friends right ? but getting to bond with someone, especially so closely,, rlly just made him an even better and more empathetic guy which makes this whole thing even tougher on him since everything in the past had prolly been so strictly black and white without the variable of friendships/other ppl)

i only got to play up to the part where taka talks to alter ego so idk what happens next (might post abt it if it makes me have emotions teehee) but bro this game just keeps getting better and better)... also got emo where alter ego tried to comfort taka by imitating mondo since takas first questions to alter ego were about mondo.... EVERY HOUR IS MISSING MONDO HOURS </3

1-3-21

[screechingateveryone]

Solangelo bullet fic bc me & a friend came up with something & I can't not write something for it (This got really fucking long, so this is part 1)

Warning(s): Major character death

Eventual happy ending, put it takes a while

They're both a little older, maybe around 20-ish, when Nico starts feeling something nagging at the back of his mind

He's not sure what it is yet, but he doesn't like it

One day, while he's sparring, the nagging gets louder. Telling him to win, no matter what.

He almost listens to it, but he's sparring with Will, he'd never hurt Will, then he's knocked back onto his but and the match is called

The nagging gets louder, but it's pointing out what he should've done to win. It suggests something Nico would only think of doing in nightmares

He sits there for a few minutes, trying to calm down. Will checks on him. Nico says it's nothing too big to worry about, but some down time would be nice

After this happens a couple more times, Nico remembers something Hades had told him about his male children

Nico quickly figures out what's happening after that, but is reluctant to tell Will just yet

He's not sure what will happen if he tries to ignore it, or if he can ignore it, but he'll try untill he can't anymore

He visits Hades to ask a few questions about the gene and, failing that endeavor, if he could stay in the underworld full time

Hades answers the questions as best he can, but when Nico asks if he could stay with him & Persephone he's surprised

"You'd need to be dead."

"I know that."

"Wouldn't Will miss you? And you him?"

"Of course. But I know I'd see him again eventually, and so would he."

After dinner, Hades brings up the situation with Persephone. She's ok with it

Nico heads back to camp and collapses onto his bed

Before breakfast he tells Will they need to talk about something later, when he sees the sadness on Will's face he assures him that he's not breaking up with him, but it is big

A couple hours later, when Will's on break & Nico's not practicing, they talk

Well, at first Nico talks while Will listens

About the nagging that's become a group of voices, about the talk with Hades, about the rough outline of a plan to make sure no one gets hurt, about everything and what it would mean for their relationship

They settle on a plan, though Will doesn't like it, and continue as normal until it was time to execute said plan

Well, they spend more time together than usual (which most campers didn't think was possible); Will takes more breaks from the infirmary, Nico's seen either drawing or next to Will, both look awful apart and somehow both better and worse when together

Only a couple of weeks later, the voices become too much, almost too loud to ignore

The next capture the flag game is only a couple days away, they decide to set it into action then

They're on the same team, as always, but Nico's sent out on his own, his only orders are to make sure the other team doesn't make it past him

He encounters some monsters, which he half-heartedly fights, leading to some injuries

After a while he comes across a scorpion

He doesn't fight it, he drops his sword and he lets it kill him, all while calling for help

Someone gets there at the last second, the poison already too far into his system to get out

They're on the ground, Nico held up in the person's arms while laying in their lap

"Nico…" It's Will

Nico looks at him and smiles "Thank you." he whispers

Will knows the plan, but seeing Nico covered in blood and dying in his arms makes everything hurt, he knew it would

He also knows Nico's too far gone to try and heal now

Nico keeps smiling up at Will, tears welling in both of their eyes, but for different reasons

Nico cries tears of joy & relief, he'll never hurt anyone because of some gene that made him go insane, he'll get to watch over Will until he eventually joins him, he'll be able to see Jason again, he'll be content.

Will cries tears of sadness & anger, he can't believe he let Nico go on a literal suicide mission, he doesn't want Nico to go, he can't loose him, but he can't heal him, he promised not to save him, he'd have to wait years to see him again, and even then, who knows what will happen.

"I love you." Will says, trying to choke back a sob

"I love you, too." Nico says, smile widening

"Goodbye."

"No. This isn't goodbye, Solace. I'll see you later."

Nico's body goes slack, his eyes become glassy, his breathing stops

Will lets out a sob, the flood gates open, he hugs Nico's body close as he cries into his hair

He doesn't know how long he stays there, frozen

He carries Nico's body to the border line and walks back camp, tears rolling down his cheeks

The game's over, they camp's been looking for them, someone spots Will walking back to camp and alerts everyone else

They find Will making a funeral shrowd in the Hades cabin, tears still messing with his vision, Nico laying deathly still on the bed

When asked what happened Will's answer is vague, but it's enough

"A scorpion surprised him, I didn't get there fast enough."

Chiron IMs Percy & Annabeth, letting them know what happened

They've lost people before, sure, but Nico was like a little brother to both of them

They tell Chiron that they'll be there as soon as they can, with Frank and Hazel as well

Apollo hears about what happened, though no one's sure how, and insists on helping Will organize everything

The funeral is held as soon as everyone arrives

Everyone assumes that Hades would make an appearance, then Hazel, Will, Percy, and Apollo point out that he'd be welcoming Nico in the underworld, not mourning him with them

While the funeral is being held, Nico is officially welcomed into the underworld

Nico, Hades, Persephone, and Bob have a small party

They all live fairly happily in Hades' palace, including the time Persephone has to spend with her mother. They have company, so it's not as bad as it has been

[teruthecreator]

5, 7 and 18 for the fanfiction asks!

5. What is the perfect environment for you to write in? 

it’s less of an enviro thing and more of like a Vibe thing. i have to wake up with the inclination to write, have enough energy to write, and Then i can find my spot. at this point, i usually write in my little corner chair that i have covered in blankets so it’s soft. i use my rolling office chair to prop my legs up and i sit there all day to write! i have to keep the AC on bc if i’m warm then i’m tired, and tired = no writing. also i usually turn my wax warmer on so i have nice smells! and if i need to check my phone, i go outside of my room to sort of cement that this space is Working Space. it really helped to keep me motivation through writing the last chapter of ssoss ill be deadass

7.  Which part of writing do you struggle with most? 

not really a Part, more of a state of mind (i realize i’ve started two answers w this but fuck off im dumb). sometimes in the middle of dialogue i’ll hit like a Dialogue Wall, where i feel like i’m not including enough exposition or like...other things other than dialogue. i think it’s residuals of feeling like i can’t just say “says” at the end of dialogue bits. idk that’s usually when i just have to keep going, but it’s never the dialogue i struggle w hgbjrhgbhjrg it’s just the stuff Around the dialogue

18.  What is a line/scene you’re really proud of? Give us the DVD commentary for that scene.

HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM this is...actually difficult! bc i like a lot of stuff i’ve written recently. i definitely gravitate towards my dialogue bc, as an actor, it comes the easiest to me. and the one bit i still love to bits and pieces is this part in the first chapter of Savoring Sips of Something Sweet w fitzroy (spoilers for the fic, if u haven’t read it yet maybe don’t read on bc i’m directly quoting the part: 

“We’re dead, okay? It’s over,” Fitzroy continues, gesturing to the three of them with one hand. “Fitzroy, Argo, and Master Firbolg are dead as of tonight and we’re never coming back. We got mauled by some bear--o-or monster, or I don’t give a fuck. And now we’re dead, and the whole world could mourn us for all I fucking care because so long as we’re gone the demons can’t keep hurting innocent bystanders--which, might I add, includes the school, the town, and the whole world. As long as our bodies are presumed cold and lifeless, we can ensure that no one else meets our same fabricated fate. So you two can either help me, or leave. Because I’m done risking my ass for old dipshits who have been lying since day fucking one. ”

HHHHHHHHHHHHHH I LOVE WRITING FITZROY ANGRY!!!!!!!!!!!! ITS SO FUN!!!!!!!! i wanted this monologue to be a culmination of some many things just, Piling Up and him just letting it all out. bc this technically follows on off-shoot of when they escape the demons, except they don’t go back to the school. so all of this Shit has happened over the course of, like, One Day and fitzroy is so tired. and i just really feel like i did a good job capturing his voice?? idk im super proud of how i handle voices in this fic and fitzroy is my favorite character to write because of that. idk!!! i fucking loved this bit and after i finished this bit i read this monologue to myself Over and Over and Over

send me writer asks!

[abiik]

@vhsgf replied to your post “this song made me realize i've never written about jason missing zoe”

heather this might be too forward and angsty of me to say (pls lmk if is) but now i am curious about zoe reacting to jason's death and then mirroring w jason coming back from the dead and then finding out his best friend is dead. like it sounds so PAINFUL but like. also i wanna know about it. heather what have you done i-

i had to put my hair up for this. im literally so emotional about this rn,,,like when am i not but STILL OKAY IT MAKES ME VERY [SCREECHES] (also a read more because this is fucking long im so sorry)

okay let’s start with zoe because jason’s death is a traumatic thing for her on like multiple points all relating back to when she was like elementary school aged (im pretty sure i have it where she’s like 8 ish when this happens). before jason and before going into the whole vigilante business – no matter what version of zoe you prefer – she loses her two younger brothers in a joker related accident. he kills them. and zoe… zoe is so,,, well she’s angry. because no one does anything. no one. not that fabled batman, not the police, not the fucking government – NOBODY. and she’s just supposed to keep living her life like everything is fucking fine because oh that’s just the way gotham is. and like why the fuck would she just keep living her life when her barely out of toddler aged little brothers are now dead?? why wouldn’t she want to do something about that?? why the fuck should she just let it roll off her back like no biggie?? (of course, this is a catalyst for her mother’s downward spiral and eventual disappearance, and then keme’s).

then of course, there’s zoe’s powers. at that age she didn’t really understand the extent of them, what she could do with them and all that, but as they develop and her own awareness of them develop, she is faced by like intense guilt and remorse. if only she’d been able to do something. if only she’d been there. if only she could’ve stopped the joker. if only, if only, if only. and like, realistically, there wasn’t much she could do. it wasn’t like she knew fully how strong she was; she’d barely gotten flying down at that point, but then she’s growing up and she realizes she never really had a limit. and she kind of has this complex, i’ve said it before but she really does try to bear the weight of the world on her shoulders, so everything that has happened to her up until this point after the twins die, it’s partly her fault; if only she could have been better, she could have saved them, she could have her mom, she could have keme – she could have her family back.

then, of course, there is in all of this her intense hatred of the joker. and by correlation to the whole fucking issue, gotham city and batman. (ive said that they kind of grow to like each other more, but when z and jay become friends and through their teen years until his death, it’s kind of like whenever youre gay and your bff is gay and you both kind of hate the other’s really fucked up parent who’s okay sometimes but isn’t all the time and you would totally like throw down with them if only there weren’t like,,,repercussions)

anyway, so when jason dies, it’s a big fucking deal. like he’d already been acting weird, bruce was worried about him, z was worried about him, and then he dies okay. and zoe… bruce doesn’t tell zoe right away. he doesn’t tell her and when zoe does find out, she. is. pissed. all of the shit with her baby brothers comes back. she wasn’t there. she wasn’t able to save him – because she sure as hell KNOWS that she could have at this point. and now he’s GONE. AND THIS ENTIRE TIME, SHE HAD NO FUCKING CLUE BECAUSE BRUCE DIDN’T TELL HER!!! she couldn’t even go to his funeral!!! and then, AND THEN, on fucking top of that – it was the joker who killed him. so jason’s death was like a fucking quadruple blow to her.

after finding out the details, zoe goes binary for the first time. and it’s… well it’s scary. it takes a whole lot of coaxing from old teammates and being physically restrained by diana (who lowkey is kinda like why?? are?? we?? stopping?? her?? from?? killing?? the?? joker??) and clark and donna, and they can’t even really knock her out because when she’s binary, there’s only really waiting out the duration of the high until she passes tf out from using too much energy. which she DOES and then after a good long talk with gran-gran, zoe’s going on a much needed retreat with diana to themyscira.

during that time, zoe’s super depressed. like reasonably, so. she’s so exhausted and she’s still angry but she’s also just like,,, so tired. she lost her best friend dude. like she loves jason so much, she loves him so much, and then he was just gone. poof! and at least, at least with atsa and ahiga, she got to like, be there for their send off. jason ends up being another hole in her life, like her dad and her mom and keme. he’s added to this list of people who all were just…g o n e. she didn’t get to mourn them. like obviously, she can, but every time she thinks about jason, she begins to spiral. (this is kind of when she starts drinking,,,, human alcohol can’t really touch her but she does therapeutically – which is!! not good!!) she also begins to distance herself – from jason’s titans (connor holds on with an iron grip and eddie still checks up on her, but rose was just as distraught and kyle is still kind of numb), from the original titans, from bruce and alfred, from diana, even from gran-gran and uncle bell. she fills the void with work as well as the alcohol that doesn’t really do anything to her except make her mouth taste gross and weird and she hates it but it’s become a habit. if she isn’t out doing some reckless thing while saving the world, then she’s at a bar or just sitting by the ocean.

she has bad dreams too, like horrible dreams. and like,,, they’re not necessarily horrific or anything,, she usually dreams about good times, memories with jason or with atsa and ahiga, sometimes some weird mixture of all three of them hanging out together and it’s the worst fucking thing because she wakes up and she wishes she was there too, that she could stay with them, because she misses them so much. she just wants her family back, she wants the family she had before jason and dick and alfred and the titans, but she also wants them too – she wants all of it.

and then it all comes to head with her dad’s sudden involvement with earth and shit. zoe sacrifices herself not only because she carries the fucking world on her shoulders and has a stupid martyr complex, but also because she thinks she’d be okay dying like this. she doesn’t. die that is. she doesn’t die but she also doesn’t come back.

jason’s revival story arc thing is all a bit murky for me bc I kind of like mix the whole waking up and clawing himself from his grave and also the under the red hood storyline (and like correct me if there is a version like that bc like,,, idk I can’t remember). anyway, so jason comes back, and like it’s kind of messy bc of timeline shit but he doesn’t really come back, come back, until z’s gone. like gone gone. like they held a funeral and everything for her. jason didn’t get to go and THAT is SHIT. like yeah, he wasn’t fucking alive, nobody fucking knows he’s alive anyway, but it still hurts.

and like,,, you know what else kind of hurts, is like he kind of thought that after he came back, if no one was on his side – if for some reason literally everyone was against him – he’d still have zoe. that’s the worst fucking part. he hears about what happened. he hears that she literally went ballistic. and like,, jason KNOWS that zoe would have his side, that zoe would be there for him, that even if she might not have agreed with some of the things he’s done, that she’d be right by his side, showing she cares. because like. like I know bruce is kind of stunted with emotional expression, but it’s really hard to feel like you’re appreciated when someone else’s love language is so fucking hard to translate, when you need constant validation, to be told you matter to be shown you matter to them and they can’t accommodate even a little bit, because of their pride or because they have to deem that you deserve it all of a sudden. and like I love bruce, but they way he treats his kids is shit. so yeah. jason feels hella alone when he comes back and his best friend, his rock, his ride or die (literally wfkejvnk) is fucking gone.

jason definitely has nightmares too. he doesn’t know how zoe died, like really know – no one does, because there hadn’t been a body. and jason’s mind can be a pretty dark place already, add on top of that the nightmares about his best friend dying the same way he did, or being like dick, who actually witnessed the explosion that ‘killed’ zoe. he can’t even fathom what zoe went through with his death, but eventually, as jason kind of comes back into the batfam and shit, he also kind of gets to be with the last of zoe’s family. gran-gran and uncle bell are much warmer than bruce wayne and that too big mansion and that cold fucking cave. jason goes to the ranch a lot, or finds himself at uncle bell’s antique shop whenever he needs a breather, to just be alone with something that close to zoe.

they literally both go through that period where they’re extremely reckless with mourning and regrets and fuck i never got to say this and fuck what could I have done differently, what could I have changed if I’d been there? but where jason is able to recover more effectively, zoe doesn’t do so well in space.

really, that song had triggered thoughts about jason going through her things, the things she left in his bedroom – that bruce refused to touch or move or anything – and just thinking back on their life together. it was definitely shorter than they expected and when jason thinks about it, it’s a whole bunch of salty anger and throat swelling sadness that has him kind of crippled. because like,,, he also knows how the twins died, he knows how it happened, not only did he have the firsthand accounts from those most effected, but also like, he read the reports. he KNOWS, and he feels kind of guilty, just a little bit, that what he did put her through a similar version to losing her baby brothers.

NREJKVNERLFEWLFJNEKR FUCK OKAY I THINK I NEED TO STOP LIKE THIS IS OBVIOUSLY JUST A BIG DUMB BUT BFJKERNFKJEN F   U   C   K  OKAY

[drfitzmonster]

"does grieving the person i am not interfere with accepting the person i am?" god this is the question ive been asking myself. i feel so acutely the pain youre talking about. i started therapy a few months ago and its like been so rough. cause i started feeling again which ik is good long run. but all im feeling is pain. and mourning my trauma. and whats that line between healthy mourning and spiraling into the depression and devastation of it? sometimes i miss the numb but ig that was worse too

also god how can you articulate my exact self so specifically? yeah. everytime someone comments on my appearance, if its my weight or lack of makeup or my clothing choices that dont fit their idea of ‘woman’ i get so mad bc its on purpose. ik its prob not the healthy response but after all my trauma and having my body taken away from me before i had words for it and then yrs later again when i knew exactly what was happening. like this is my only defense. and then im made to feel ashamed for it

and your right. cause it doesnt work. bc at the end of the day nothing we do to change our appearance will stop a monster. bc it was never about us or what we looked like. and thats validating and reassuring. but also devastating and terrifying. and how do you heal from something like that? where do we take back control in a healthy way ya know? ..ahh sorry this is my sad ramble, ignore me im sorry. shoulda just said im sending you a hug (i am if thats ok) instead of expounding in your inbox.

–

hey there friend. you don’t have to apologize for sharing your feelings with me. while it breaks my heart that other people have been through the same kinds of trauma i have, and are hurting, it also does help me feel less alone. we cannot change what happened to us, we’ll never be able to erase that. so i think one of the most important and healing things we can do for ourselves and for each other is reach out and share our experiences with people we trust, and just be there for each other, support each other, even if it’s just to listen or say “i understand how you feel.”

learning to let yourself feel again is really hard. it’s so overwhelming at first, and so painful and it can be so agonizing. but it gets easier, bit by bit. you start feeling positive things too, you start building connections with people again, or rebuilding connections with people you’ve isolated yourself from. you feel alive, and you even start to feel good sometimes. you start having good moments, happy moments, and sometimes even good days.

but it’s rough and hard work. you started therapy a few months ago, you’re still at the beginning of the recovery process, which is the hardest. i’m really glad you’re seeing a therapist. i’ve been seeing my current therapist for over two years and i would not have been able to make nearly as much progress if it had not been for her help, and the help of my friends and chosen family, and the support of all the kind and caring people i’ve met here and through my writing.

i’m not sure exactly where the line is between healthy mourning and unhealthy obsessing, but mourning is a vital part of the healing process. i think that it may be something your therapist can give you some guidance on, how to grieve in a healthy way that does not interfere with you moving forward in your recovery.

there’s a quote from rilke’s letters to a young poet that had a really big impact on me and how i think about my own trauma recovery:

“If there is anything unhealthy in your reactions, just bear in mind that sickness is the means by which an organism frees itself from what is alien; so one must simply help it to be sick, to have its whole sickness and to break out with it, since that is the way it gets better. In you, dear Mr. Kappus, so much is happening now; you must be patient like someone who is sick, and confident like someone who is recovering; for perhaps you are both. And more: you are also the doctor, who has to watch over himself. But in every sickness there are many days when the doctor can do nothing but wait. And that is what you, insofar as you are your own doctor, must now do, more than anything else.”

we are patients and doctors at the same time, that is, we have to take care of ourselves to facilitate our own healing. sometimes our job is to just make it through the day. to let ourselves feel whatever we are feeling, to accept and acknowledge those feelings, because this is what enables us to let them go, and to move forward. i have learned from experience that fighting our feelings doesn’t work. trying to disallow ourselves from feeling whatever it is that we are feeling only makes things worse. we get stuck in conflict, stuck in the exact feelings we don’t want to be having. it is better to let ourselves feel, even when it is painful, even when it is confusing and unpleasant and upsetting.

try not to worry too much about whether the things you have done to protect yourself are healthy or not. they’ve helped you survive this far, and as you progress in your recovery you will learn new healthy ways to cope with your trauma, and you will let go of some of the coping mechanisms you’ve used in the past. some will always remain, and that’s ok.

i hope this is helpful or reassuring in some way. thank you for sharing your feelings with me i really do appreciate your openness and honesty. i hope you have a good day today and i wish you all the luck with your recovery. 💗💗💗

[beanleaf]

This guy and I have been seeing each other for about 6 months. We do everything couples do, go on trips, sleep overs, met each other’s parents. But we aren’t in a relationship bc he says he isn’t ready (he just got out of a prtty heavy one in feb). All of this leads me to constant confusion and heartache. Because I know we aren’t in a relationship but we do things couples do. It’s hard for me a lot of the time when I’m not with him because he says he cares about me, likes me, and doesn’t (1)

Want To hurt me. But when we aren’t together it’s hard not to overthink what I mean to him. We talk pretty normally when we aren’t together. Almost everyday. (He lives an hour away, moved in the middle of our ‘relationship’). Well this weekend he went to a college in my state (where his ex goes!) and hasn’t messaged me since. So, I know I need to talk to him about my feelings. Tell him I can’t be in this constant limbo of doing everything couples do and practically being his gf but him (2)

Saying we arent in a relationship. It hurts me that he isnt ready but I know he needs to heal from his past. & we both thought that we could do this until he was ready. But I dont think I can. I constantly feel like I mean less to him than he does to me. I need to talk to him but I’m scared bc I’m sure it wont end up good & he wont be in my life anymore. He has got me thru some hard times & has been a great friend & lover. Sorry to to send all this but I needed to talk about it & get it out. (3)

Let me start off by saying how incredible you are. it is difficult to get to a point where you know you want more than someone else and to further speak with them is terrifying. Your acknowledging that you are not getting what you need is a real act of bravery. Lisa Taddeo writes in her book Three Women “we pretend to not want the things that we want, so no one can see us not getting what we need.” 

Im glad you came into my inbox and told me this because I have always been the type to go along with things. I did so in my past relationship when really I could have easily had the conversation you are telling me you need to have. 

This boy sounds like he is afraid of one thing and it is commitment. He wants everything with you without the work of a relationship and yet he seems not to realize that just because the word is not there does not mean what we believe comes with those words will not arrive. You are nourishing a real relationship in a basic sense of the word. The word is allowed to mean something to you and you’re allowed to want that. Your reluctance is understandable because as you said you basically have a boyfriend. There is a certain reward in this that you are being emotionally met in certain ways. So yes this could be a loss but it could also be a giant win. You’re doing things people so often are afraid to do. You’re saying this is who I am and I want these things and I am not getting these things. You can set boundaries and admit that the circumstances are not living up to you. It is a win because you know what you want and you deserve that. This guy has served his purpose in this portion of life and now you need something else. That could still be him or it could be someone new. He matters as much as any other lover matters and I know that letting go of these things are hard and it is hard to mourn these things because the lines are less clear cut. But you will be freed from a weight you might not even know you are carrying. That is how I felt when I confronted my last ex whatever ya wanna call it. You’ve already done the really hard part, I know hard to believe, but if you can do that I assure you that whether you end up with this guy or not you are going to be wonderfully happy and okay. Maybe not at first, but eventually.  I wish you the most luck and love in the world. I am proud of you

[ghoulangerlee]

Lying next to you, in this bed with you, I ain't convinced ; malex ; r: e

hello roswell new mexico fandom, im lee and hopefully this passes muster.

im gonna be honest here, i started writing this before i sat down and watched the entire series (cause at first i just watched alex/michael scenes lmao).

this takes place the morning after, as a ‘what if isobel didn’t come to michael’s place so early’ or what i titled the doc ‘what if isobel didn’t come to advance the plot’ there is an ao3 version but im not linking it here bc i want this to show up in the tags hh

its been a few months since i last wrote porn, esp for a new fandom so. also, im hoping that the more i write them the better i get w/their voices. hopefully y'all enjoy!!! <3 

======

He wakes slowly, silently cataloging the ache in his thighs as something damn pleasant after a good night, though the twin ache in his knee and hand are not, he chooses to ignore those in favor of the gentle pressure of fingertips against his skin, dragging a slow path upwards until he stirs more, eyes fluttering open and—

“You’re still here,” he whispers, reverent, surprised and all around delighted, when Alex smiles at him, a soft thing that reminds him all too well of their days together as teenagers.

Alex’s fingers find his lips, tracing the shape of his lower one oh so carefully, and Michael’s eyes slip half-lidded, “Well,” he says, tone playful though his voice is low, mindful of the calm that’s settled over them, “It was kind of too late to leave last night,” he mumbles, moving closer, “And despite the mattress leaving a lot to desire, the choice in bed partner, on the other hand…” he trails off meaningfully and Michael’s heart swells as he tilts his head up to accept the kiss Alex presses to his mouth.

When they pull apart, Michael feels lighter, calm, head sinking into the pillows as Alex presses a series of soft kisses to his jaw and his fingertips are back again, drawing a slow line down his chest, “Do you have anywhere you need to be?” he asks on a sigh as Alex’s warmth shifts against him, on him, blanketing him in.

Alex kisses him again, longer and slower, an all-encompassing thing that leaves Michael light headed and breathless, fingers digging into Alex’s hips where he’d settled his hands, “Not for another few hours,” he mumbles against Michael’s lower lip, “You?”

He makes a noise in his throat, shakes his head once as a swell of emotion bubbles up in his chest, threatening to explode when Alex shifts up, pressing a kiss to his forehead, temple, fingers brushing the hair out of his face, “Michael,” Alex whispers suddenly, “Michael, open your eyes.”

A noise leaves him, and he grips Alex tighter, but his eyes open, a slow flutter, like he’s afraid, like if he blinks too fast, Alex will disappear.

Alex is still smiling, a soft and fond thing, “There you are,” he says, cupping his cheek, thumb gentle against his skin, “Just wanted to make sure you were still with me.”

“Feels like I might be dreaming,” Michael mumbles before he can stop himself, “Feels like just yesterday you were sayin’ that this couldn’t happen again.”

A frown settles across Alex’s mouth, his thumb stopping its slow motions across the curve of his cheek and Michael’s afraid that he’s said something wrong, tightens his fingers on Alex’s hips as if to keep him there when he inevitably pulls away—

“I did,” Alex concedes, moving closer, leans in to press a kiss to Michael’s forehead, “I said a lot of things I didn’t mean, when I saw you again I—I didn’t know how to react, how to, how to feel,” he breaks off, settling his weight more firmly on Michael’s chest, “We’re not the same kids we used to be, Guerin,” he adds, fingers finding Michael’s curls. “You and I, we’ve been hurt, by a lot of people—by each other.”

Michael doesn’t say anything, his words stuck and heavy in his throat as he holds Alex tighter.

“I will…probably spend the rest of my days regretting that I left you,” Alex says, low and mournful, his voice cracking towards the end. “That I walked away after what my dad did to you, that I let him, that I let him get to me. Blackmail me into joining up and leaving you here without even telling you how much I care about you.”

Michael exhales, shaky and unsure as he moves one of his hands up to grip Alex’s hair, dragging him in for another kiss, feeling the way Alex just sinks into it, the swell in his chest growing with each drag of their lips together.

When they break apart, Alex’s cheeks are flushed, head bowed down against Michael’s, “Guerin,” he breathes out, palm spread out over his chest, right above his heart, “Michael,” he mumbles, “I want to, I want this, I want you, but we need to talk about this. There’s so much—just so much that needs to be said before we do anything, but god,” he lifts his head, eyes opening slowly so he can stare down at Michael. “God, I want you so much.”

A noise, something close to a whine leaves Michael’s throat as he tightens his fingers in Alex’s hair, pulling in a way that has Alex gasping, leaning back into it and if he thinks, if he thinks hard enough he can remember what Alex looked like on his knees, urging him to pull his hair in the quiet of their toolshed.

Something falls to the ground and Michael makes another noise in his throat as he drags Alex close for a kiss just as Alex turns away, his lips falling to his cheek instead, “Guerin,” Alex mumbles, fond and teasing. “We need to talk, talk now kiss later.”

And there’s a part of Michael’s brain that knows that, but the bigger, more dominant part of his brain is scared of talking, of what has to be said, of what that could lead to, because words have never been his thing—math equations and formulas were; words were Max’s thing and Michael, well, Michael had a tendency to speak before thinking things through and despite his best intentions—

“Michael,” Alex mumbles, pressing his palm to his cheek, “Hey, come back to me, yeah? I know you’re over thinking things right now. That big, beautiful brain of yours is running through hundreds of possibilities—”

It’s ridiculous how well Alex knows him.

“—but I promise, that I’m not going to walk away from this, not this time. I want to try this with you. I want to be someone you’re proud to be with.”

Of all things, that’s what gets Michael’s attention, the self-deprecating twist to Alex’s words, a harsh breath leaving him as he opens his mouth, “Don’t, Alex.”

It takes him a minute, he’s loud and brash on his best days, words spilling always with a hard edge that can sometimes cut, but he reels that in, steels himself, fingers going gentle in Alex’s hair, cupping the back of his head instead, “Don’t talk about yourself like that, don’t—I’ve always been fucking proud of you. From the moment I kissed you for the first time, I’ve never been—I’m not scared to be with you Alex.”

“Michael—” Alex starts, but Michael shakes his head, cuts him off.

“No, listen to me Manes,” Michael starts, a hard edge to his voice softening into something sad and painful, “There has never been a moment that I don’t think about you. The last ten years have been fucking hard. Not knowing if you were alive or dead, if you’d even come back here,” he breaks off, draws in a sharp breath, takes a moment to collect himself. “We left things in a shitty way. You disappeared and that hurt, and then, all at once, you were back. You’re here and, and fuck if I know the right way to go about this, I don’t think I’ve—you were the only thing in the world that made sense to me back then and now, now you’re still the only fucking thing that makes sense to me.”

Alex doesn’t say anything this time, just threads his fingers into Michael’s hair and pulls him in for a kiss, slow and full of something, something like love, a low sound leaving Michael as he holds Alex—and around them, things start to float, a ripple rushing through him as he opens—figuratively and literally, to what Alex is offering. A second chance.

A second fucking chance.

When they break apart this time, everything falls with a clatter, but neither of them pays attention to it, and Michael drags his thumb over Alex’s cheek, “You are my quiet in this crazy, unknown world,” he whispers against Alex’s mouth. “Being around you, being with you. It keeps me grounded.”

Alex exhales, resting his forehead against Michael’s, “Michael,” he whispers, voice full of something, “Michael, I want to do this right. I want—if you’ll have me—I want the chance to love you. To give you everything you’ve missed these past ten years.”

(And later, later, Michael will make a joke about how this is the most Alex has called him by his first name in years, but right now he revels in it, soaks it all up because part of him is still worried that Alex will change his mind and—and—)

Alex kisses him again, goes with him when Michael rolls them over, pressing him down into the bed as the kisses turn into something deep and all encompassing, grounding in a way that negates every single bad thought firing off in Michael’s brain.

“I meant what I said,” Michael mumbles a bit later when they’ve pulled apart, “That day in the tool shed, when I told you I’d never done something like this, with someone I liked as much as I like you.” He licks his lips, carefully chooses his next words, “I never in a thousand years expected that I’d deserve something like this. That, all the pain and suffering in my life would lead me to meeting you. That all of that would give me some of the best memories in my life.” He rests his forehead against Alex’s, breathes in softly, “And sometimes, I look at Isobel and Noah and I—fuck—I want what they have.” He closes his eyes, exhales loudly, “I want that with you, Alex. However long that takes, however long we last. I want our eventually to be that.”

Alex laughs and its sort of wet sounding, almost a sob, “Guerin, it’s too soon to talk about marriage,” he teases, fingers in Michael’s hair. “God, it’s too soon but damn if I don’t want that too.”

Michael licks his lips, stares at Alex for a moment, “Then let’s not talk anymore.” he says, leaning down for another kiss, and Alex, wisely, doesn’t pull away this time, lets Michael kiss him until they’re both breathless, panting.

Alex’s eyes flutter open slowly, a smile across his lips as he drags his fingertips down Michael’s cheek, “I think we can pick up where we left off earlier,” he mumbles, leaning up to press a kiss to the hollow of Michael’s throat when he tilts his head back.

“Yeah?” Michael asks with a sigh, “You up for another round already?” the tease is light, and Alex can hear the grin in his voice.

A hum of agreement leaves his mouth as he hides his own grin against Michael’s throat, “I think so,” he says softly. “If you are, cowboy.”

“I’m always ready to throw down with you,” Michael croons, grinding his hips down against Alex, slow and dirty in a way that has Alex gasping, arching up against him. “Oh, Private, you’re getting hard.”

Alex makes a noise, something between a whine and a groan, tangling his fingers into Michael’s hair and pulling him down, “Don’t call me that, Guerin,” he mumbles against his mouth, biting Michael’s lower lip as he laughs, the sound turning into a gasp.

“Why you—” Michael says, but gets cut off when Alex kisses him again, stealing the words directly from his mouth. “—you keep distracting me,” he says when they part and its almost a whine, “If you want to do more than just rub against me like a teenager you’re going to have to chill out.”

Alex just arches under him, grabbing Michael’s hips so he can grind up into him, “I am very chill,” he says with a soft groan, “I’m the coolest right now.”

Michael laughs again, light and happy as he leans in to mouth at Alex’s throat, “Uh huh, babe,” he mumbles. “Sure you are.” He doesn’t move to stop Alex though, just lets him move, “You know I’ll take care of you, right? Anything you want, I’ll give it to you.”

“Yeah,” Alex whispers, eyes closed, cheeks flushed, “Yeah, I just—I want so much.” He admits softly, dragging his fingers up Michael’s back, biting his slightly swollen lower lip. “I want everything, but I feel like I’m too wound up to wait.”

He hums, slips his hand between their bodies and wraps his fingers around Alex’s dick, taking in the way Alex absolutely shudders at his touch, “Then let’s take the edge off,” he murmurs into his skin. “Just like this. And then, when you’re a little less impatient, I’m going to open you up again, just like you like it, baby. Gonna finger you til you’re beggin’ me to fuck you.”

Alex whines, hooks his leg around Michael’s hip and thrusts up into his hand, “Faster Guerin,” he breathes out, letting out a pleased sounding moan when Michael complies with no argument or teasing. “Oh fuck,” he says, fingers digging into hard muscle. “Just like that.”

Michael tries, tries to ignore the voice in his head telling him to mark to claim, but he can’t, can’t stop the sweet sweet pull of mineminemine as he sinks his teeth into the sensitive skin just under Alex’s ear—and Alex jerks in his hand, crying out as he comes between them, Michael’s name falling from his lips.

He goes to pull back, to give Alex some space but Alex makes a noise, drags him back closer, pulls him in for a kiss, sloppy and uncoordinated but Michael’s heart soars as he returns it, holding Alex’s head still, leading him, because this, this is what he’s been waiting for.

“Jesus,” Alex mumbles, breathless, when they pull apart. “Michael,” he whispers, voice full of something as he reaches down between them, feels the hard press of Michael’s dick against his thigh. “I want this in me,” he licks his lips, opening his eyes so he can stare up at Michael, “Want you all the time, in whatever way you’ll let me have you.”

Michael groans, half pained, half aroused, “You’re going to kill me, Alex,” he says, diving back down for another kiss, something messy but chaste, before he’s pulling away again, fumbling around under the covers for the lube, “Shit, where’d I leave it—” he trails off, making a triumphant noise when he finds it wedged between the bed and wall. “You sure you want this?”

Alex makes a frustrated noise, fighting back the urge to move closer when Michael pulls away, “Michael Guerin, I swear if you don’t get your fingers in me right now I’m going to do it myself.”

“Now now,” Michael says, popping the tube open, “Let’s not be hasty here, darlin’, consent is sexy and all that.” He’s teasing now, but Alex knows that, now that he’s come once, the edge is gone, and he can enjoy this. The easiness of sex with Michael coming back to him.

“Your fingers in me is sexier,” Alex grouses, “C’mon Michael, I know you wanna fuck me.”

Michael’s laughing again, warming the lube up between his fingers, “Uh huh, I know,” he says. “God, ten years didn’t teach you patience, did it?” he asks, leaning over to press a quick kiss to Alex’s mouth as he presses his fingers to Alex’s hole. “You’ve always been so bossy,” he mumbles, easing a finger into him. “Jesus, you’re so fuckin’ tight, Manes. We fucked last night and you’re still tight.”

Alex gasps softly, pressing his head back into the pillows, “Really good workout regimen,” he fires back, squirming down against Michael’s hand. “Ah fuck, and yes, I’ve always been bossy. You should know that I’m only this way because someone wants to tease me.”

“Oh,” Michael says, pulling his finger out, a teasing grin on his lips, “Wonder who that could be.” He ponders, drawing slow, slick circles around Alex’s hole with his fingers. “Do I know him?”

“Oh fuck you, Guerin,” Alex says with a groan.

Michael hums, “Well, if you’re offering, maybe you can sometime.”

Alex makes a strangled noise, rocking down against Michael’s fingers, “Michael, please,” he mumbles, nearly begging. “Wanna feel you again, need to feel you again.”

He prides himself with how well he knows Alex’s body, his reactions, and when he hears his voice crack on the need, he hushes Alex, moves close to him as he presses a finger inside, drawing him into a slow kiss.

Alex is shaking by the time Michael has three fingers in him, touch firm but gentle as he stretches him, the two of them trading kisses until Alex pulls away with a soft gasp, “Now,” he whispers. “Now Michael, please.”

He makes such a pretty picture, Michael thinks, all spread out under him, chest heaving, flushed from his cheeks down to his chest—and fuck if Michael’s not the luckiest guy right now, but he files that thought away for later, something to think about when they’re not in the middle of this—and instead he focuses on the low whine Alex makes when he pulls his fingers out, how he opens his mouth to protest but stops when he notices Michael grabbing the lube again to slick himself up.

Alex’s eyes are dark as he watches Michael settle properly between his legs, one hand around the base of his dick, the other spreading Alex open, thumb pressed against his rim, “Do it,” he breathes, begging Michael. “Fuck me, Guerin—Michael, I need you.”

The rushing in his ears quietens the second he pushes into Alex, a crescendo of silence blanketing the room—the fizzle of electricity and fuck, something about this moment, about being inside Alex Manes when their feelings are out in the open causes his powers to fizzle, bottles and miscellaneous objects rattling and levitating and Michael should be worried but he’s not because he’s been waiting for this fucking moment for ten years.

Alex is holding into him, arms wrapped haphazardly around his shoulders as he clings to him, murmuring his name over and over as Michael presses in deep, holds there for a moment just feeling.

“Move, move, move, move,” Alex is begging him and Michael hurries to comply, using his good hand to hitch Alex’s thigh up, holding him open as he starts moving, a slow and slick glide that has Alex arching and crying out, scrambling for purchase against Michael’s skin.

Time melts around them and Michael isn’t sure how long he’s just there, fucking Alex slow and careful, making love to him as Alex whispers his name like some sort of sacrilegious prayer—like he’s deserving of worship.

Alex reaches between them, fingers wrapping around his own dick while Michael continues to fuck him, deep and slow, just the way he likes it, until he’s gasping, Michael’s name falling brokenly from his lips as he comes again, shaking through it when Michael keeps fucking him (also how he likes it).

“You’re so beautiful,” Michael whispers, burying his face into Alex’s neck, breathing him in as his thrusts get rougher, sharper, Alex’s nails digging into his back, urging him closer and closer to the edge.

One of Alex’s hands finds his hair, tangles with his curls and pulls and Michael lets out a broken sound as if he’s a puppet whose strings have been cut—and suddenly, he’s coming with a quiet shout into Alex’s skin.

Neither of them speaks for a while and Michael doesn’t move until he hears the quiet clatter of various objects hitting their respective surfaces; and though Alex doesn’t say anything, he sees a contemplative look in his eye when he finally manages to look up.

“We’re going to talk about that,” Alex finally manages to say, and Michael’s almost relieved to hear that he doesn’t sound distressed, just relaxed, sleepy, and he tells himself not to get too worked up about it—

“Hello, I’ve got bagels!”

Michael groans quietly, dropping his head back into Alex’s neck, “Isobel,” he mumbles, almost whining and for a moment, Alex freezes, before he relaxes. “Why don’t you go see what she wants,” he offers gently, running his fingers through Michael’s hair.

He makes a sort of wounded noise, but goes to untangle himself from Alex anyway, “What about you?”

Alex licks his lips, glances out the small window by the bed and then back at Michael, “Bring me a bagel back?” he asks, hopeful.

“Really?” Michael asks, surprised. “You’ll be here?”

Alex pulls Michael down for another kiss, smiling against his mouth, “Even if I had full use of both my legs, I don’t think I’m gonna be able to move for a while.” He mumbles. “Now go see your sister and then come back to me, yeah?”

Michael makes a sound, something happy, a smile lighting up his face. “Of course,” he says, pressing several kisses to his face before he gets off the bed to pull his jeans on, Alex shamelessly watching him.

“Like what you see?”

Alex just hums, choosing not to answer, pulling the sheets up over him and settling back comfortably in the bed, waving as Michael leaves the trailer and he dozes to the sound of Isobel and Michael’s voices getting further away from the trailer—and well, he should probably be worried or at least curious, but for now, he’s content to lay back and just bask in the afterglow.