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slothquisitor · 16 days ago

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Invisible String: Chapter Fourteen

A Baldur’s Gate III Modern AU.

Chapter Summary: The aftermath. TW: discussions of sexual assault.

Read from the beginning.

Read on AO3.

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A little over six months ago…

Liv’s mother never turns off the car. As if she hadn’t expected the conversation to be very long at all. She’d texted asking if Liv was home and could come out to the parking lot of her apartment complex. Internally, Liv had joked that this must be what it was like getting in trouble with her parents as an adult.

There’s nothing to joke about now.

“I just felt like I couldn’t say no, and well, then I was pregnant,” her mother explains, wiping at her eyes.

“Then you couldn’t have said yes,” Liv says, righteous anger rising in her on her mother’s behalf. The story told is a twisted one, full of starts and stops and ‘do you remember?’s.

Her mother shakes her head. “That’s…not what happened.”

“If I described this happening to me, what would you call it?” Liv asks. In response, her mother just cries.

Her whole world has been upended by this revelation, and she wants to meet it with kindness, with understanding. Her mother was raped and had a child and has clearly not dealt with everything that happened. She wants to offer sympathy and love and all of the things that she feels any woman in this position would deserve. She has had her differences with her mother, gods know, her mother has never been anything but critical of her. But maybe the distance is her fault, maybe if she handles this right, this incredibly painful moment will be the start of something new for them. Maybe this is where it all changes. But then her mother wipes her eyes.

“We’ve had conversations with your siblings over the years about this, but we’ve got your grandmother’s birthday on Saturday, and I didn’t want someone to say something to you about it,” her mother explains.

What?

It feels as though a weight has settled on her chest, and she can’t breathe through the slow-dawning realization that everyone else in her life already knew this information. Knew about the half-brother who lives outside Cormyr, who meets her mother for lunch on the regular and knows everything about her life. Her older siblings who apparently already knew this and didn’t bother saying a damn thing to her.

“Everyone knows?” she asks. Her back hits the side of the car door as if she can’t quite put enough distance between her and her mother.

“We were just waiting for the right time. You’re so busy with work and you’ve got so much going on, we didn’t want you to have to worry about this.”

It’s a flimsy excuse, and she sees it for what it is in the moment. Other things are said, her mother keeps talking, but Liv doesn’t remember the rest of the conversation. She only remembers the haze-filled walk back inside her apartment before she finally breaks down as her entire world shifts on its axis, as she has to re-evaluate every relationship in her life in light of this new information.

She feels almost dizzy. There’s a gulf of distance between her and everything else in the world. A yawning chasm opening up in her chest filled with the question: “Why didn’t anyone tell me?”

Is it her? Is she the problem? Is there something so fundamentally fragile about her that no one feels that they can give her difficult news? Perhaps it’s worse than all that. Perhaps it is simply that they don’t care enough about her to share the real facts of her life with her. Does she matter so little?

Two days later, she shows up to her grandmother’s birthday and smiles the best she can. For a moment it’s fine until sitting at the long dining table she looks around at the roomful of people who are supposed to love her best and realizes that every single one of them have been lying to her. She wishes she’d felt angry, but she’d just felt utterly and completely alone.

***

“Liv, I’m FangtasticLover.”

The words hit. She hears them, can almost imagine them slamming into her chest with all the force of a graceless sledgehammer. But it’s almost like it’s happening to someone else. And it hurts .

“What?” she asks, still trying to wrap her head around this. She’s looking at Astarion and trying to reconcile this new information. And failing, utterly. He’s…but he can’t be.

“You and I, we…we matched on the Weave,” Astarion explains. “You were Books>People.”

And that fucking app matches you with others you’ve been in proximity with. That you might have met. Only in this case, it matched them because they fucking live together. And he’d known…or figured it out. Or…

“When?” she asks, the words scraping out of her throat. “When did you know?”

He can’t seem to look her in the eye. “You went out for dinner with your department. You mentioned you were all archivists…”

And then he’d ghosted her on an app and then in real life too. She thought she’d done something wrong, something that had hurt him or annoyed him. But no, he’d just been…what? Upset, disappointed? And then kept using the app to ask her for information, to ask about himself and how she felt about him. That was….weeks and weeks ago.

“You used me.”

His eyes go wide and he leans forward. “No…no. When I realized how I felt about you…I cut things off there. Deleted the app, everything.” He puts a hand out as though he’s going to reach for her, seems to think better of it…dropping off halfway.

“No, you just pumped me for information about how I felt about you…just carried on talking to me for weeks after you found out. I told you things…I trusted you with information about my family…”

She had trusted FangtasticLover, sure, but she had trusted Astarion more. The hurt and the betrayal sharpen to a point, to anger. She grasps a hold of it desperately, so much better to feel the anger rather than the ache . “You looked at me…and you promised me that if we were going to pursue a romantic relationship that we were going to do everything we could to protect our friendship…and you agreed to that…while knowing all this? Why? Why would you do that?”

He looks as though she’s slapped him. “I…I was scared.”

“Of what?” she asks, voice dripping in indignation.

He stands then, walking to the window. Away from her. She almost wants to follow. He runs a hand through his hair. “Everything! Of you…of this…of how much I care about you. And by the time I realized just how deep I was in this, it felt safer…easier to just….pretend.”

Because of course, it did. The worst part is that she understands it. Understands his reluctance to bring this up to tell her about it. She can see perfectly the justifications he must have made to bring him to this point. But it doesn’t matter because it’s still such a gross violation of her trust, she’s not sure she can forgive him.

Every conversation, every interaction they’ve had is getting passed through this new filter, with this new information like it’s some funhouse mirror version of reality. She wishes the feeling wasn’t so fucking familiar. Something snags…

“You didn’t even actually trust me. When you told me you were a vampire, it wasn’t because you trusted me. It was because I already knew....”

“I do trust you, Liv. I would have told you anyway. I wanted to tell you,” he says.

She shakes her head, tears threatening to fall. “Now we’ll never know for sure, will we?”

The ache is deeper now, an endless void and an echoing question that feels so fucking familiar. Why is this happening again?

He looks at her and he is so utterly defeated, so entirely devastated. “It was wrong of me. I knew it, and I did it anyway.”

Because he never was able to refuse an advantage when one presented itself. And he’d had a cheat code to her in his pocket all along.

“I’m so sorry.”

She can tell he means it; it just doesn’t matter. She’s spent her whole life making excuses for people who treated her like shit. Now, when people show her who they are, she’s inclined to believe them. Right here, right now, she’s seen enough.

The tears she’s been holding back through sheer force of will finally fall. “Did it ever occur to you that I was afraid too? To fall in love you have to take the risk anyway, but you weren’t ever really risking anything, were you?”

“Liv-”

She shakes her head, stands from the couch, and wipes at her eyes. “I don’t have time to deal with all of this before the exhibition on Friday. I’m going to go stay with Lae’zel or something. I’d really appreciate it if you could find somewhere else to be for an hour.”

Astarion takes a step towards her, eyes wide. “No! You don’t have to leave. If you need time or space, I’ll go. This is your home!”

“No, it’s not!” She says with more force than necessary. He flinches, but she presses on. “You’ve made sure of that.”

He stares at her looking utterly lost. “Liv…please?”

She’s not sure what he’s asking for, suspects he doesn’t either.

“Just go,” she whispers. It sounds like a plea.

He doesn’t leave immediately just looks as though there is more he wants to say, but he doesn’t. Because there isn’t anything left. Not really. Finally, he turns and leaves. She stands in the living room watching him walk out of the apartment, and the second the door closes she finally gives into the heave of emotion that feels that it will eat her alive. Some part of her wants to let it. She collapses onto the couch as the sobbing takes over.

She’s not sure how much time passes, minutes…hours? Who could say? But the emotions run their course like they always do. The surprise, the hurt, the betrayal…it all blurs out as if her mind can’t bear to feel it all anymore. And she just feels a profound sense of emptiness.

People keep all sorts of things: magnets, children’s drawings, report cards. Somewhere in her parents’ house, there’s a shoebox full of notes she kept from her high school friends. Pieces of a life; proof that the memories are real. She’s not sure there’s anything for this she wants to remember.

She stares out at the apartment that was never really hers. The art piece she’d picked out and hung. Their books mingle on the shelf. Her favorite mug, clean and waiting beside the coffee maker. Pieces of a life. She liked the version of it she was living here. But everything has changed.

And that’s why she can’t stay.

***

Liv had asked for an hour. Instead, Astarion gives her three. He wanders the cold streets of the city in the dark, crafting and deleting message after message. Running through that conversation again and again, the devastation in her eyes and the way her words had shuddered out of her are on the worst sort of loop. He doubts he’ll ever forget the quiet way she’d asked him to go.

Or the less quiet way she’d told him that his home wasn’t hers. That he’d taken it from her. The way he couldn’t disagree.

He wished she’d yelled or screamed or thrown things. It would have been a hells of a lot easier to weather anger rather than the quiet hurt. She had asked him to go, had shunted him aside - rightfully - of course rightfully. And he doesn’t need to breathe, but he feels somehow short of breath anyway. Caught in a hellish trap of his own making.

He keeps walking. Every time his mind wanders all he sees is Liv looking so betrayed as tears streamed down her cheeks. He’d done that.

He’d been terrified of ruining things with Liv, and he had. It was just like she’d pointed out. In his selfishness, he had doomed this from the very beginning.

Astarion had known that keeping that secret threatened everything, but still, he’d done it anyway. As if, even in his happiness, he couldn’t bear not having something in his back pocket that would ruin it. He hadn’t treated her any different than anyone else on the app. Not really. The moment she got too close he had pulled the ripcord.

He should turn back, should head home instead of wandering aimlessly, but some part of him cannot bear to go back to a place he knows she will not be. He has so few places in the world to go, and even though he hates everything about it, he calls Petras.

“Are you home?” he asks as soon as Petras picks up, not bothering with a greeting.

“Uh, yeah. Is everything alright?”

“I’m coming over.”

“So that’s a no.”

Astarion glances at the street he’s on, he’s been wandering for a long time. “I’ll be there in twenty minutes.” And then he hangs up because this is already going to be painful enough to have to tell Petras what happened, he’s not going to do it over the fucking phone.

He takes his time walking through Baldur’s Gate and to Petras’s apartment. He could have taken the train and cut the time in half, but he hadn’t wanted to. When he walks into Petras’s kitchen, he notices that he’s already broken out the alcohol.

Petras closes the door behind him. “So, something happened with Liv?”

He glares at him. “How did you know?”

Petras shrugs. “We both know she’d be your first choice for…whatever this is. And since you’re not with her…it can only be about her.”

Petras’s alcohol selection is sparse, but he ignores his usual choice of wine for something stronger, pouring a finger of Mermaid Whiskey that burns all the way down. And then he tells Petras everything.

He tells him about joining the app and how good it had felt to suddenly be the one controlling that sort of attention. He tells him how he’d flirt and tease and drop people the moment they showed him any real interest, and how he’d let everyone in his life believe he’d used it very differently. He tells him about matching with Liv, about figuring out their connection, and then the decision to use it, to exploit it. He tells him about figuring out his own feelings about how much he’d grown to care for Liv and severing the connection in hopes they could simply move on, but the guilt had been too much. Liv had always deserved better.

It hurts to tell Petras this but once he’s talking, he can’t seem to stop. It’s like picking at an old wound. Once he’s started, what’s the point in stopping? It’ll scar anyway. For his part, Petras listens quietly through the whole thing and it is only when he has finished with the entire sorry tale that he says anything at all.

“You fucked up,” Petras says.

Astarion pours more whiskey. “Tell me something I don’t know.”

Petras sighs and sips at his own drink. “Cazador really fucked us up, didn’t he?”

Astarion stares at Petras. It is not at all what he was expecting. “What?”

He shrugs. “We were without power in every interaction we had with people for so long. No wonder you took it when it was on offer. You had a way of knowing whether she was sincere and honest. You could find out how she really felt without risking the vulnerability of asking or simply trusting. It’s shitty, but I might have done the same.”

“She’s never going to forgive me,” Astarion says miserably.

Petras shakes his head. “No, see that’s the part that sucks. She will forgive you because she cares about you. She just might not want you in her life afterward.”

And he definitely doesn’t deserve to be in her life. He’s not sure if he ever did. It was a dream. Beautiful and impossible. And maybe in another world, he doesn’t ruin it. Petras is right: she’ll forgive him. And then she’ll take scissors to her life and cut him from it. And she would be justified. She cut her own family out of her life, the roommate she’d only known a few months and briefly dated for a few short weeks? He’s far easier to discard.

He’s in love with her. He loses nothing to admit that now. He loves her, and it doesn’t matter because now, he’ll never get the chance to tell her. Telling her now would only feel like a manipulation, an attempt to get her back. A tactic to erase his mistakes, to try and make them somehow alright.

“I don’t want to go home,” he admits.

“You can stay here as long as you need to,” Petras says.

And there is something of relief in that, even if he hates it. “Thank you.”

***

Liv didn’t sleep. Or if she did, it’s in snatches. She’d arrived at Lae’zel’s apartment cold and tired and uninterested in talking. She’d given Lae’zel the barest bones of an explanation, was grateful to not be asked for more, and then had promptly tried to go to sleep. And hadn’t been able to at all.

She’d tried for a few hours, but then she’d redownloaded The Weave and spent the next two hours busying herself with the irresistible task of combing through her messages with FangtasticLover looking for any and all hints about Astarion. The handle seems especially obvious now. She had only assumed that the person she was talking to was a tiefling or something when she’d first seen it. He’d so quickly morphed into someone she considered a friend that it hadn’t ever mattered to her.

But looking back, comparing message after message in the app and with everything she knows of him now…it feels so fucking obvious that it was him all along. Even his clumsy attempts to ask about himself seem ridiculous. She feels so stupid for not seeing it sooner.

The worst part of it all is how now she looks back at all of it, including everything even after he cut off contact on the app, and she has to wonder: how much of it was real? He’d known just how badly the revelations about her half-brother had shaken her, had shaken her confidence in herself and her judgment. And he had done the same thing her family had.

She can’t even think about the fact that now she needs to find a new place to live. Not with the exhibition happening tomorrow night. So, she throws herself into it, pulling out her laptop and working on every task she’d set aside, and inventing a few more just to fill the time.

On their way to the library, Lae’zel pulls her away from the steps and towards her favorite bookshop cafe. “Come on,” she says. “We’re getting you coffee first.”

“But you don’t even need coffee,” Liv protests.

“No, but you do. You didn’t sleep.”

Liv doesn’t even deny it. “Yesterday was really shitty.”

“If it would bring you peace, I am well-trained in the art of breaking bones.”

As entertaining as that would be, Liv is almost sure that Astarion is beating himself up enough. She’d half expected for her phone to go off, but it seems that he is actually respecting her request for space. She’s almost disappointed. Part of her is itching for the fight, the screaming and yelling match that didn’t happen last night. An excuse to be mad at him instead of simply hurt.

“I didn’t think breaking bones with included at CrossFit.”

Lae’zel laughs. “No, but I could still kick his ass. If it would bring you peace.” She adds the second part to temper the first, and the offer is a kindness she hadn’t expected.

“Thank you,” she says.

“Don’t let this ruin your accomplishments. Tomorrow night is for you, and we’ll ensure it’s great,” Lae’zel says before ordering their coffee. She waves off Liv’s attempt to pay for hers.

“Are we telling Rolan and Gale?” Lae’zel asks as they scale the stone steps leading up to the library.

There’s still something comforting about the library, about the familiarity of it. At least, not everything has changed. She considers Lae’zel’s question, and she knows that Gale and Rolan would be wonderful about the whole thing, but she still doesn’t want to talk about it anyway.

“Do you mind just keeping this to ourselves?”

Lae’zel offers her a pleased smile. As if she is glad to be trusted with this. “They will not hear about it from me.”

It all feels a bit dishonest going into work and pretending like her personal life isn’t falling apart, but it’s also a relief to field questions and talk about placements and supervise the moving and placing of these old books and manuscripts inside the exhibit. Gale and Rolan and Lae’zel are extremely helpful all day, stepping in where she can’t and taking on tasks to ensure it all gets done. Liv stays late, grateful for the distraction of the exhibit. The final pieces will go in tomorrow, and they need to hang a few more plaques, but it is very nearly done. After thanking the workers, she takes the winding underground path back to the old building to pick up her things.

She is nearly to her desk when her phone buzzes. She pulls it from her pocket, heart already thundering, expecting the name on the screen to be Astarion’s.

But it’s Brelia.

“Oh hey,” she answers. She’d nearly forgotten that Brelia was coming and now she’ll have to figure out something about where to put her and Erin when they come down to stay. Shit.

“Hey, Liv,” Brelia says, voice hoarse.

Her sister’s tone is apologetic, and she already knows what this call is about. She won’t need to figure anything out. “What’s up?” She keeps her tone light, shoving the disappointment away.

“I don’t think we’re going to make the opening tomorrow night. I’m sorry. Erin has been sick all week, and I’m definitely coming down with it too,” Brelia explains.

“Oh, I’m sorry you’re sick. It’s alright, it’s not a big deal,” Liv replies.

Her sister sighs and then coughs. “No, it is a big deal, and I’m sorry. I blame the freshman in that cesspool of germs Erin calls a job. I know the exhibit runs for a bit when my body isn’t trying to kill me, can we find another weekend?”

Liv collapses into her chair at her desk. She feels so exhausted, and it has nothing to do with the lack of sleep. “Absolutely. You two just focus on getting better for now.”

“Enjoy your opening tomorrow with all your friends, and we’ll celebrate you another time. Okay?”

“Yeah. I’ll talk to you later.”

She hangs up before the true waterworks can start. And it’s stupid because she can tell her sister was sick, can tell that she felt bad, but it feels like abandonment anyway. It’s entirely unfair to both her and her sister, but she feels stupid for thinking that this time it would be different. That she and her sister could be different.

As she sits alone at her desk in the empty archive offices, she picks up her phone to call Astarion. Does so in such an automatic way that she’s very nearly hit call before she realizes what she��s doing, before she sets the phone down in defeat. And then she’s hit with such a wave of homesickness, that she almost needs to steady herself on her desk to weather it.

And the only real cure for it is to go home…she just doesn’t know where that is anymore.

#astarion #astarion x tav #tavstarion #bg3 fanfiction #modern au #astarion x liv #invisible string #slothquisitorwrites

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deoidesign · 1 year ago

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Two things

Any tips for line work?

Any tips for drawing eyes?

You’ve got a killer style for that and I struggle for things like that, so was wondering what you do for that and have any advice for a young artist? Also Steve is gender goals and me and him have the same haircut which makes me happy. Comics with an older queer character are nice, makes me happy to see someone like me get to get older like that :]

This ended up really long, sorry...

"Style" is really just an amalgamation of every decision an artist makes. When you're starting to learn, your brain is processing a LOT on the technical and fundamental side. In time, these will become tools for you to use as you please.

Your style is in you already, I assure you. It's the clothes you love, your favorite color, the season that makes you comfy... Art is a form of communication, and the first person you have to learn to communicate with is yourself. It's a lifelong process of growth, self love, and personal expression. It's nothing to rush!

these are from 2011, 2016, and 2023!

(13, 18, and 25 years old)

You can see how my skills have evolved, but my tastes are rather much the same. I've still got an absolute ton to learn.

When it comes to lineart, if you find yourself regularly struggling with "losing energy from the sketch", then making your lineart thicker might be a solution; thicker lines are a lot more forgiving!

This is a common issue many artists struggle with. It happens because the sketch has multiple lines, so the brain gets to choose which one it likes most. When you do lineart that choice isn't up to the brain, so it's not tricking itself to seeing all its favorite lines anymore.

Lineart can also help you define depth. Generally speaking, thicker lines tend to be on closer objects, and further away objects have thinner lines. You'll also lose more and more detail (and sometimes edges) the further away an object gets.

It can also define light in your lines. solid blacks can block out entire sections of shadow. Another option is hatching, and another is stippling. It doesn't have to define light, though, many styles define their light through various other shading methods.

My biggest tip for lineart is to practice "line confidence." fill a sketchbook page with lines that span the entire length of the page, evenly distanced, as straight as you can, without lifting the pen. Do this every day. Fill a page with ellipses, fill a page with circles. Do this every day. Eventually, you'll learn to 1: draw with your entire arm, which will save you a lot of quite literal pain in the future, and 2: you'll be able to draw the right line the first time more often, which will save you time and frustration!

I didn't have an example offhand so I did this to show what I mean, but I highly suggest doing this on paper in ink and not on the computer, if you can.

When it comes to eyes, definitely look lots to real people, and also pay attention to how artists stylize them! There's generally 4 main things to keep in mind:

1: the top lid. This one is major for defining the expression, so it changes a lot depending on context.

2: the bottom lid! this one doesn't move nearly as much.

Each lid has a vertex, and changing where the relative high and low points are on them between characters can change a lot about what the eyes are saying.

3: the sclera (whites of the eyes), iris (color of the eyes), and pupil (the hole we see out of)! These change an absolute TON based on style.

4: the eyelid!

and here's me just moving each of the elements around! it changes a lot about what the eye is saying as you change each element, play around with them! try not to always go with your first choices.

There's a lot more to eyes than this, and a lot more to lineart as well... but I hope this is something of a starting point! Getting better about art is about learning to think and study everything you see. I genuinely see the world differently than I did 10 years ago, and I'm much happier for it (and a much better artist!)

And when it comes to writing stories about queer characters who get to be older and still happy, I hope to someday see you making stories that bring someone the same sense of comfort you had reading my work. I hope it someday becomes normalized, mundane even. And I know it starts with people like you deciding it's important! We're here, we've always been here, and we're not going anywhere.

Best of luck on your artistic journey, I wish you a long lifetime of growing closer to yourself through your art.

#asks #writing rambles #art tips #long post #sorry omg this one was so long.

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slightlyaggressiveaffirmations · 2 years ago

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So, Slightly Aggressive Affirmer, what's your whole deal?

Great question, Clive.

(Sorry, I thought you were some sort of chat show host called Clive. Let me readjust my worldview)

Great question, friends. Why did I write Aggressive Affirmations in a consistently reliable, ritual manner for 5 years and then stop doing it and constantly keep coming back and promising to start again and never making good on it?

Well. There are actually 3 answers to that question.

Answer #1

To begin with, let's reposition our worldview - just as we did with Clive. Now, let's change the way we see me, The Slightly Aggressive Affirmer. What if we put a new filter over me - we'll call it the "Autism Filter". I haven't got the money to go through the diagnosis process but it's looking pretty likely.

With that filter on, look again at my being absolutely focused on writing affirmations for 5 years and then stopping to suddenly focus obsessively on my research work for the next 2 or 3 - except for the two months I took off to sit on the porch every single day and write a medieval romance novel.

Now I want to get back into affirming again and I try to - I still feel it's important and I keep saying to myself I'll do it - but I just don't have that obsessive drive to do it anymore.

I think if we look at this with the autism filter, it starts to paint a pretty clear picture of what might be going on here...

Answer #2

It became more and more difficult, and more high stakes to write affirmations, as the number of followers kept growing. There are now 15000 - although who knows how many of you are still on Tumblr? But that's a lot of responsibility and it became very stressful to keep making sure SAAs are for everyone and that no one feels excluded by them (excepting people who should always be excluded, like Nazis). When it was just a few random people reading affirmations, it was much easier to chuck in a few and whatever. But the more the blog grew, the greater the stress.

Answer #3

I started writing Slightly Aggressive Affirmations for myself. I was the only one following the blog and it was set to send ME reminders of my own value - in the kind of aggressive language necessary to get through to me - because I was extremely low on confidence and needed real force to get it in to my head. But then things snowballed.

Thing is - I don't need them any more. It's harder to think of the kinds of things I should write, because I know longer need them myself. I have Slightly Aggressively Affirmed myself to a really great place, in terms of my self confidence and self love. I still have bipolar, and right now my life isn't going so great, so I get depressed but I do not believe fundamentally, at my core, that I am bullshit trash.

My primary emotion nowadays is possibly worse! I'm driven by anger a lot of the time - I've got a lot of deep rage, caused by long ago trauma. (I'm in therapy, don't worry). But I think most people would agree that I'm a fundamentally different person to who I was pre-pandemic. I'll tell you more about it some time. But I am drastically different - and definitely more than SLIGHTLY aggressive most of the time.

In conclusion, I believe affirming used to be an autistic special interest of mine and now it is not - but I'd love to make it one again! Especially now my two-year long, 65 000 word research project is finished. But it's much harder to get back to where I was, because the number of followers I have now is different, Tumblr is different and I am hugely different as a person.

Thankyou for reading this short essay/memoir. I'll see what I can do about a little affirming tomorrow.

Always remember that YOU MATTER!!! YOU ARE IMPORTANT!!! YOU ARE THE ONLY FUCKING YOU IN THE WHOLE DAMN WORLD!!! THINK ABOUT HOW FUCKING MAGICAL THAT IS!!!

#admin note

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canmom · 11 months ago

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an expression of something, or perhaps a record of insanity

obviously there's a famine because israel destroyed any indigenous means of food production, and aren't letting food trucks in, so they're just sitting at the border. not to mention that time the other day that they fired on the crowd gathered around a food truck on the beach, causing a panicked stampede that killed people. 'the guys with guns won't let us in' is not a problem that can be solved by money. still. if even one person escapes death by starvation because an aid org or a medical org had more money on hand, then that money is better off in their hands than mine...

rn i feel very conscious that while it's impossible to achieve any significant change without sacrifice, the converse is not true, there's no magical law that ensures sacrifice must be rewarded. a social media campaign resulting in a few tens of thousands of people trying not to spend money for a week is not a strike pressing demands, and probably won't make a noticeable blip on whatever economic statistics are gathered by whoever gathers economic statistics, and even if someone notices the line going down a bit, they probably are not able to conclude it's supposed to be a general strike for Palestine.

similarly, activist actions that deliberately get someone arrested for the sake of a few hours of annoyance to security are a questionable trade in the battle of attrition. I still remember doing first aid at the massive mobilisation against the arms fair a few years ago, which ran up a hefty policing bill cutting people out of lockons on the main road, but did not in fact stop the arms fair. direct action does not always get the goods.

and in general I believe our people should not be thrown away lightly. getting arrested should be something we are prepared to risk but a risk we mitigate as much as possible, not something we actively seek out. this is something that the antifascists understood pretty well, with tactics like the black-bloc and de-arresting. but the current trend in activist orgs is to exploit the state's unwillingness to inflict bodily harm by putting activists in intentionally dangerous situations and forcing the state to spend and money time freeing them, with the resignation to getting arrested. it's less direct action and more stunts for the media. but is that just an excuse? 'the americans are not what we call a useful people', they say, when the yanks don't want to be arrested.

the gnawing feeling that I must do something wants me to stand up and prove that I give a shit. I just cannot see what would actually be effective with the resources I have available to me. the people who have real power in this situation fundamentally have no reason to listen to me. I'm sure many of them think, quietly, along the lines of that guy at the protest a couple months back who walked by and called me a gender-confused leftist pedo: giving a shit about people in palestine is disgusting to them.

I've signed up to do arrestee and court support and shit like that with a certain org that's had some success shutting down Elbit facilities in this country. between health shit and work, I'm not realistically in a place where I'm capable of doing the spiky direct actions at the moment, but if I can be part of the logistics wing for the people who can do it, maybe I can feel less fucking useless. I hope when the call comes, I'm able to get out there and show up, rather than crushed in another wave of mysterious fatigue.

of course, if a 32-year-old disabled game dev could stop a war from her bedroom, the world would be a very different place... but I must not ignore that I have some power. even if it's just the money I earn at this job.

I frequently fall back to wondering what I'd have done if I'd lived in Germany or Poland during the Holocaust. the fantasy is that I'd be a partisan in the woods, fighting the Nazis by any means available; a likely answer is probably that I'd flee the country, or die in a camp. but the scariest thought is that I'd have been able to get away with 'inner emigration', and just keep my head down and do nothing. cue the daniel kahn song I guess. (Daniel Kahn's song is of course a lot more subtle and bitter in its treatment of the subject, not just this goofy morality play in my head.)

words are cheap!!!

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illarian-rambling · 5 months ago

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Thanks for the tag @davycoquette!

Writblr Questionaire

My lore! For you!

About You:

When did you start writing?

Honestly, not that long ago. I was a sophomore in high-school when I wrote my first short story (it was about a student wizard selling wizard adderall to make ends meet), so that'd have been 3 or 4 years ago. I've always been imaginative, but that was the first time I put pen to paper instead of just daydreaming.

Are the genres/themes you enjoy reading different from the ones you write?

I mean, I'm a high fantasy girly through and through. I will admit though, I like writing romance way more than I like reading it.

Is there an author (or just a fellow writer!) you want to emulate, or one to whom you’re often compared?

If I could impact people's emotions as much as Brandon Sanderson's writing has impacted mine, I will die happy. And it might be basic, but I've always wanted to write prose like Patrick Rothfuss. I can't say anyone has ever compared my writing to anyone else's that I can remember.

Can you tell me a little about your writing space(s)? (Room, coffee shop, desk, etc.)

I have a favorite spot on my couch where I nest up with a blanket and a snack. Usually, a cat is also there and being unhelpful. If I need a change of scenery, I'll go to this crepe place a little ways away.

What’s your most effective way to muster up some muse?

If I'm feeling burnt out, I take a few days off, then I'm usually good to go. I'll draw instead, or watch an inadvisable amount of caving disaster videos. A good long drive can also help.

Did the place(s) you grew up in influence the people and places you write about?

Oh, most definitely. I live in the middle of bumfuck nowhere. My redneck claims to fame are eating a rabbit my mom shot, hand feeing a raccoon some hot wings, and catching snakes for a living. Thus, a lot of my characters are country as hell. Also, I'm in college for microbiology, so I write about a lot of scientist characters and have a lot of university settings. These things come together in Astra DuClaire - a runic engineer and certified hillbilly, which is a combo of don't see a lot of, but should honestly exist more considering the feats of engineering I see at the rat rod shows down here.

Are there any recurring themes in your writing, and if so, do they surprise you at all?

I'm really bad at picking up on my own themes, but I'd say perseverance is a big one. No matter how bad things get, sometimes you gotta keep walking. Also, kindness. Most of my main characters are fundamentally kind and when they help people, that good karma is paid forward.

Your Characters:

Would you please tell me about your current favorite character? (Current WIP, past WIP, never used, etc.)

Currently, I've been pretty jazzed with this big Avymere chapter I've been working on. Their character development has been really juicy so far. But in the end, I love all my ocs equally.

Which of your characters do you think you’d be friends with in real life?

Honestly, most of them. I think Izjik would be chill as fuck to hang out with, and once they're out of their shells, Sepo and Twenari would make for some awesome conversations. Djek and Astra are a lot for my introverted self, but in small doses, we could have a blast. Mashal is a sweetheart, of course, and so is Elsind. And while Avymere is intimidating, we could bond over martial arts. Also, all the ghosts are just plain fun.

Which of your characters would you dislike the most if you met them?

You might notice who I left off that list. Ivander is a snarky bastard, but not in a funny way. He's more like a middle school bully. He'd call me broke and swagless, then I'd smack him and he'd die on the spot.

Tell me about the process of coming up with of one, all, or any of your characters.

They arrive in my mind from the void. I usually come up with their core traits pretty fast. Actually, Astra's the odd one out here because it took me a month or so to solidify her character. But yeah, I don't have much of an interesting answer for this one.

Do you notice any recurring themes/traits among your characters?

Two big ones jump out at me. One, most of them will help a stranger. Izjik and Sepo took in Twenari right after finding her washed up on a beach. Djek spared Izjik and Sepo's lives because he simply knew killing them was wrong. Astra saved Mashal's life after finding him on the side of the road out of nothing but the goodness of her heart. The second trait is not unrelated - they're all nosy as hell. They love eavesdropping, drama, and gossip. I'm not sure why this is, but everyone from Ivander and his dirty rumors to Elsind and their saucy romance books adores sordid tales.

How do you picture them? (As real people you imagined, as models/actors who exist in real life, as imaginary artwork, as artwork you made or commissioned, anime style, etc.)

In my brain, they're just colorful versions of the most realistic version of my art style.

Your Writing:

What’s your reason for writing?

I love doing it, why else? In all seriousness though, writing gives me an outlet for a lot of emotions I have a hard time expressing in real life. So, basically, I'd explode or something if I didn't.

Is there a specific comment or type of comment you find particularly motivating coming from your readers?

Nothing makes me happier than when people tell me they're excited to find out what happens next. Also, seeing any headcanons and theories is like a free hit of dopamine every time.

How do you want to be thought of by those who read your work? (For example: as a literary genius, or as a writer who “gets” the human condition; as a talented worldbuilder, as a role model, etc.)

Just... cool, I guess? I want people to relate to my characters and be intrigued by my worldbuilding. I don't want to be the next literary sensation. I just want people to enjoy and talk about my stories.

What do you feel is your greatest strength as a writer?

I also feel like I write action quite well and have a unique voice. My descriptions ride the line between flowery and fun.

What have you been frequently told your greatest writing strength is by others?

People say they're drawn in by my characters and that my worldbuilding has a sense of depth.

How do you feel about your own writing? (Answer in whatever way you interpret this question.)

I feel pretty good about it! Not all the time, obviously, but overall, I think I keep improving and building my skills with every word I write.

If you were the last person on earth and knew your writing would never be read by another human, would you still write?

Yup. I like reading my own writing. It's almost like it was written by someone who shares my exact literary tastes.

When you write, are you influenced by what others might enjoy reading, or do you write purely what you enjoy? If it’s a mix of the two, which holds the most influence?

I can't honestly say I've ever thought about what other people would enjoy, so I guess I write for myself. I'm confident enough that a fair amount of people share my preferences, so hopefully it all works out in the end.

I'll tag @kaylinalexanderbooks @elizaellwrites @ashwithapen @i-am-moss-the-boss and anyone else who wants in :)

#writing #writerscommunity #writblr #my ocs #get to know me

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joys-of-everyday · 1 year ago

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Wei Wuxian and the Difficulties of Morality

Wow so I did not realise how much discourse there was around Wei Wuxian and moral greyness. Let me erm… poke around a little because that’s a hobby of mine.

Btw, I usually write about SVSSS. This won’t change. This is a one-off thing (for now).

Firstly, an Anecdote

Fun story, I watched cql and the mdzs donghua with my mum. There were many memorable things that came out of this, but one of the relevant points is an offhanded comment from my mum. She said (translated into English): ‘Wei Wuxian has no face to show Jiang Cheng, because he broke his promise to stay by his side’ (1). For context, my mum grew up in a fairly traditional Asian household. They take their declarations of loyalty seriously (or at least, that is my impression).

I find this interesting, because when it comes to moral judgement, I (who grew up in the west, with a lot of western values) get far more hung up on the things WWX did, rather than some promise he made in his adolescence. Breaking a promise is not ideal, but in my books, doesn’t really count as a huge moral failing.

The point here is not to say anything about the ethics of promise breaking, but to illustrate a point. Different people have different values. Or one person can have conflicting values. There are many scenarios where it’s not possible to say with certainty what is right or wrong. This is moral ambiguity.

(Funnily enough, the issue that my dad took with WWX was the fact he was fiddling around with dead bodies, which was like… the least of my concerns, but then I realised that bodies have a lot of religious significance.)

What even is moral greyness?

There are two possible and equally valid definitions of moral greyness.

1. Characters who are not 100% evil or 100% good

2. Characters who do not fall into the categories of ‘good’ or ‘bad’.

Note that definition 2 is a strictly stronger definition than definition 1. It is not that hard to argue that WWX does not fall under definition 2, in that he is somehow overall ‘good’. (I would also argue that MXTX encourages you to not think too hard about these dichotomies, particularly via SVSSS, but that’s a rabbit hole for another day.) It is also not that hard to argue WWX does fall under definition 1. Mainly because it’s quite hard not to breathe without falling under definition 1.

The Two Kinds of Uncertainty

When it comes to ethical questions, there are two uncertainties you naturally run into. Firstly, uncertainty of the world, which comes from having imperfect information about the situation or consequences of any given action. Secondly, uncertainty around the underlying moral question. Is it okay to sacrifice few for the sake of many? Should we place more value on those close to us in comparison to a stranger?

Humanity has not figured out morality, and certainly not for a lack of trying. Standards change over time. We look at the behaviour of our ancestors just a few hundred years ago with no small amount of repugnance. Most likely, in a few hundred years’ time our descendants will do the same. This isn’t to pass judgement on anything or anybody, but to make an observation that there is nothing you can do in the world that doesn’t inherently come with moral ambiguity, because there is always uncertainty – both of the world and the morals you are applying. And wherever there is moral ambiguity, there is moral greyness (definition 1).

That being said, ‘everything is morally grey’ is not really a helpful statement. There are things that we (society today) generally agree on e.g. ‘killing someone for no reason is bad’ or ‘being nice to people is good’. So the argument I want to posit today is that WWX’s moral greyness goes beyond this in a substantial way.

The Uncertain Character of WWX

The Fundamental Principle of MXTX is that all narrators are unreliable. At the bloodbath of the Nightless City, did WWX kill 5000? 3000? Far fewer? Had WWX acted in a different way, could JYL’s death have been avoided? We’ll never know.

To add to this complexity is subtle shifts in canon depending on the adaptation. WWX tortures Wen Chao pretty brutally in the novel (and even if you hate him, it’s a bit ick). In cql, it ‘fades to black’. In the donghua it’s a nice quick stab. Then there’s all of the fiddling around they did with JGY depending on the adaptations, giving him more or less blame for the events. I’m not sure if ‘novel is the only canon’ is the correct way to go, mainly because adaptation!WWX is interesting to analyse in itself. I won’t explore this too deeply here, but something to keep in mind.

Anyway, I want to argue that WWX is morally grey, through commentary on a few elements of his character.

1. The Horrors of War

WWX does a lot of things that are somewhat eyebrow raising. You know, killing people and stuff. Now it has been pointed out plenty of times that his situation was unusual (it was war!). The moralities surrounding warfare are in itself complicated. A pacifist might argue that war is no excuse for violence, but even without going to such extremes, these days we appreciate that there are some actions that cannot be condoned, even during times of coflict – this is the notion of war crimes.

War crimes are a surprisingly modern thing (people started to care a lot after the atrocities of WWII). Medieval warfare was brutal. Anyway, these include things like ‘torture or inhuman treatment, including biological experiments’ and ‘wanton destruction of cities, towns or villages’. Note that while killing large numbers of enemy soldiers doesn’t fall under war crimes (although some methods of going about this do, like biological weapons), torture does, so that’s one strike against book!WWX. Now there is subtly in these things, because if you judged people by these standards for anything more than 200 years old, basically everyone is committing war crimes without thinking too hard about it. WWX did do a lot of arguably good things in the Sunshot Campaign (whatever good means in war) – he fought against the tyranny of the Wens and was one of the key things that shifted the tides towards victory. Without him, the world might have looked a lot darker. Whether these ‘goods’ weigh over the ‘bads’ is something to think about.

On a slightly softer note, weapons of mass destructions are another cause of serious discussion. Those involved in the Manhattan Project creating the first atomic bomb weren’t exactly all war criminals (moreover, many of them genuinely believed they were doing what was right and necessary) but the consequences of their actions are what they are. So while WWX made the Yin Tiger Talley as a method of deterrence and assurance, considering the consequences of its use and the potential for future misuse, here lies another moral ambiguity.

2. Intent vs Consequences

It’s fair to say that most of the time, WWX’s intentions were good. Whether it be to protect the weak, to stand up for justice, these are all things we can get behind. The consequences of his actions? Well, JYL is dead, as well as a bunch of other people, and most the Wens didn’t survive anyway. That’s a big oof.

Now most people don’t subscribe to the strongest version of consequentialism which judges whether something is right or wrong by its consequences only. As in, for one, it’s almost impossible to apply in practice because you can’t predict the consequences of your actions at the point at which you chose to do them. Case in point, most of the consequences of WWX’s actions weren’t wholly down to WWX and it’s difficult to say if there was anything at all that he could have done to lead to a better outcome. (Arguably, WWX should have tried harder to negotiate with the rest of the cultivation world instead of being a one-man army against them, but in that case, they might have just mowed down the Wens anyway.)

Then again, I think most people do subscribe to at least a weak form of consequentialism. No matter how good the intentions, no matter how righteous and commendable… if the outcome is bad, it’s hard to label those actions as ‘good’ (play pumps is an example if you want to look into how charities can do more harm than good).

I draw no conclusions here. It’s food for thought.

3. On Conflicting Values and Lose-Lose Scenarios

A lot of the above comes from applying modern ethics to a character in a world largely based on ‘Ancient China’ (the quotation marks from the fact Ancient China is several thousands years old and changes significantly over time). We do this all the time. Hell, people are still reimagining the Three Kingdoms and making commentary on the morality of Cao Cao (155-220). MDZS makes a lot of commentary on modern social issues (the ‘mob mentality’ of MDZS feels like Weibo/twitter lol), so viewing it through a modern lens makes sense.

But let’s put that aside for a second and return to my mum’s comment about WWX’s broken promise. By traditional values, family is important. In Confucianism, the Four Virtues are ‘loyalty’, ‘filial piety’, ‘continence’, and ‘righteousness’. To illustrate just how serious family was, in the conflict between Liu Bang and Xiang Yu, Xiang Yu at some point threatened to kill Liu Bang’s father. Then Liu Bang was like ‘we’re sworn brothers, so technically he’s your father too’, and Xiang Yu didn’t kill him, because it would be unfilial to do so. All this is to say, WWX turning his back on his sect and his family was a big deal. Equally, loyalty towards a superior was valued greatly, even towards eyebrow raising superiors.

But Confucianism also teaches the importance of things like ‘righteousness’ and ‘benevolence’. Throughout many dynasties, important people have cared a lot about the grievances of the masses. Bullying the weak and hoarding power unjustly is seen as one of the ultimate evils, a big reason for a leader to lose the Mandate of Heaven, thus becoming unfit to rule. Plenty of subordinates have stood up against the tyranny of their superiors. So WWX standing up to the evils of the Jin clan is highly commendable by these standards too.

Another thing is ‘paying back your benefactors’. In the west, although we do have concepts like ‘owing a life’, I don’t think it’s as strong??? This is also serious business. In the Three Kingdoms, Cao Cao spared his enemy general Guan Yu, and later Guan Yu briefly fought for Cao Cao even though he was an enemy, in order to repay this debt. Wen Ning and Wen Qing saved WWX’s life and helped him when he was in need – WWX has a moral obligation to help them in return.

Thus we see WWX between a rock and hard place. Turn away from the Jiangs and he turns away from his family, and from someone he promised his loyalty to. But turn a blind eye to the treatment of the Wens, and he is a not only allowing evil to go unchallenged, but also abandoning his benefactors. The game is rigged. There is no right move here. Morally ambiguity -> moral greyness.

(Note: A lot of the previous two points can also be viewed from a 'traditional' lens. Mohism has been arguing about pacifism and universal love since 400BC. Taoism has many things to say about intervening in world affairs. Life has always been complicated, and while our language/framework may shift, many of the underlying questions remain.)

(Second note: my knowledge of Chinese philosophy is all the stuff I learnt in Saturday school+a few books/youtube videos aka. not a lot. Please call me out if I'm sprouting nonsense.)

Let’s wrap up

Tl;dr WWX is a morally grey character.

And I haven’t even started on what went down at the Nightless City, or how interesting (read: morally sus) his methods of murder were, or his fantastic takes on risk assessment.

Maybe he’s good overall. Maybe he’s a hero. But heroes too can be morally grey. That’s just a part of life.

1. This is really hard to translate actually, and I think the way I’ve written it makes sense but comes across stronger than it was. More literally it was ‘can’t raise his head towards’. It was sort of explaining why JC was giving WWX a lot of shit later on and WWX wasn’t arguing back, more in a sympathetic way rather than a critical way.

As usual, thank you for reading! Comments and criticism appreciated, but I may be significantly slower getting back because my brain is in svsss mode rn :)

#mdzs #mdzs meta #wei wuxian #wei ying #i started writing this at midnight #its now 4am #why do i do this?

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kingpippthe2nd · 1 year ago

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This is going to be a Neil Gaiman appreciation post. Not because I think, the internet needs another person babbling on about how good an author Neil is. There is enough of those. This one is purely egotistical, because I have too many words rattling in my head, and they want out. So, settle in and let me tell you a story. I promise, it will make sense in the end. Or go read something interesting. I’m not your parent.

I used to read a lot as a kid. The library in my town was open on two afternoons each week: Tuesday and Thursday. So, every Tuesday I would go there with my stack of read books, swap them for a smaller stack of books, which I would devour in the next two days, return them on Thursday, leave with a bigger stack and so on and so on. I couldn’t read enough. I loved disappearing into all the different worlds, all the different adventures. I was the kind of kid, that would read until the middle of the night, illuminated by a flashlight, be exhausted all day in school, just to go home and do it all again.

I don’t know when this changed, exactly. Only that it did. Something about growing up took away the wonder of printed words. Or wonder in general.

I remember telling my therapist a year or so ago how I remember being able to see so much beauty in the world. How the tiniest thing could spark so much joy in me. Make me imagine entire worlds. And how I couldn’t find this kind of joy anymore. How I felt that something in me was irrevocably broken. She reassured me, that this was normal. All part of growing up. Childlike wonder at the world is not for adults to have. Never have the words a therapist felt so fundamentally wrong. I was heartbroken leaving that session. My worst fears had become true: I’d never find that joy again.

Over the years, I never lost my love of stories. I started listening to audiobooks, a form of media which I used to despise. Why listen to a book when you can read it? Hold it? Smell it? I watched movies and series and listened to podcasts. But I didn’t really read. I had lost the patience for them. Don’t get me wrong: I still loved my books. I have some beautiful editions of my favourite books that I loved showing off to people. I bought new books as well. New stories. And I told myself I’d get around to reading them soon. But I never did.

I used to write a lot, too as a kid. I wrote diaries, though I never kept up with them for long. I wrote short stories and even started writing a book, which was not very good and is now lost forever. I wrote loads of poems. One of them I wrote sitting on a roof in a night gown while the full moon shone behind the church tower. I still have that one. It isn’t half bad. But I stopped writing years ago. It left me, when I left the books.

Some years ago, my partner at the time introduced me to a new book. Theyread it aloud to me in the evenings. It was called “Neverwhere” by a man I had never heard of: Neil Gaiman. I fell immediately in love with the story and the writing and the characters. Soon enough I owned all the Neil Gaiman audiobooks I could find and listened to them ravenously.

Within the last year I have tried to read four books. I finished one of them. Not a big one. And it took me multiple months. I had to force myself to finish it, even though I loved the story and the writing. The other three I abandoned halfway through, feeling terribly about myself and my apparent inability to read.

And then Amazon Prime released season two of Good Omens and I found myself swept up in a maelstrom of emotions and hype and fan theories. I started reading fan fictions for the first time in my life. Long ones too. I started telling anyone and everyone about how much I loved and missed the show. About how genius a writer Neil Gaiman was. How I had loved his way with words and worlds for such a long time and that he was my favourite author.

A week ago, I had a realisation: I had never actually read a Neil Gaiman book. I’ve had them read to me. I’ve listened to hours and hours of audiobooks. But I had never ever actually sat myself down and read a book by my favourite author with my own eyes. Held it. Smelt it.

So, I picked up one of the “I’ll get around to it books” from a stack on my hallway book shelf and started reading. A little thing called “The Ocean at the End of the Lane”. I finished it within three days. I read it on my way to and from work. One night, I walked all the way from the tram stop to my flat whilst continuing to read, phone flashlight in hand, so the darkness wouldn't steal the story away from me.

And as I finally looked up from on the pages again and looked around, something else happened. It was as if the words had given my mind a little nudge. The world was spinning slightly differently. And all over sudden I could see the world as I had as a kid. There are more colours now. Everything is a bit more sparkly, more magical. I can taste stories on the wind, see them in the early morning sunshine. I have ideas rattling in my head that need writing down for the first time in what feels like forever. Ideas for short stories, for poems. Maybe even for a book.

I can’t even begin to express how thankful I am to Neil for giving me back something, I knew I had lost forever. Because childlike wonder at the world is not for adults to have. With nothing but his words printed on paper he remade the way I see the world. If that isn’t some kind of magic, then I don’t know what could be. And who wants to be an adult anyway.

#I'm rambling again #noone should read this #I didn't either #I just wrote it #who proofreads stuff anyway #I found a different #neil gaiman

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bramblemantle · 2 years ago

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question meme thing, tagged by @nosongunsung11 ( o/ !!)

tagging: uhhhhhh let’s say @lupathemoth and @a-little-monotonous ! as well as anyone else who’d like to use this format

share your wallpaper: it used to be ace attorney for a really long time, now it’s blaseball. i don’t tend to change visuals often

lock screen is this artwork of Parker by @ HORSEIZONTAL on twitter

home screen is this Jaylen artwork by @ 0re

my laptop lock screen is that title screen artwork of Revachol from Disco Elysium, home screen is this, don’t know what the original source is but it’s on a lot of wallpaper sites. miiiight be wallpaperstock dot net ?

last song you listened to?: i’m listening to music all of the time but as i’m writing this i’m listening to Hail To Whatever You Found In The Sunlight That Surrounds You by Rilo Kiley. in general i’ve been listening to a lot of the Garages and Paramore. so i’m also linking Ignorance bc i keep getting it stuck in my head

currently reading?: i’m rereading the Animorphs series for the first time in years! this is actually the first time i’ve read the series in its entirety, as my personal collection grows sparse after book 30 so there’s some i’ve never read. i’m currently on book 36 out of 54! (plus the extras in there whenever they fit chronologically)

last movie you watched?: uhh i don’t watch a lot of movies. technically Sing i think? i was playing totk and sitting with my 7 y/o brother. he wanted to watch Sing but he got distracted before the end of the movie and turned it off. if we’re talking about movies i watched for me then there’s a good chance it was the new Puss in Boots movie or Into the Spider-Verse but it’s been like a couple months

craving: toasted bagel. butter on it. the good stuff. the creamy kind of butter. tim hortons does it right. also i could go for some dark chocolate

what are you wearing right now?: uhhhh some kinda kapris (?) with grey flower and triangle patterns, and a muscle shirt (?) i was just gifted with pride flags on it. it’s hot as balls. if it weren’t hot as balls i’d have on one of my fave tees, and my Houston Spies bomber jacket or one of my beloved long coats

how tall are you?: 5’2” and a half, which i only found out last year when i finally asked at a visit with doctors

piercings?: nah i’m too much of a baby abt the pain and don’t want to deal with maintenance, but they look cool as hell on anyone

tattoos?: same as above but i’m more likely to be tempted into getting something small someday

glasses? contacts?: i’ve been wearing glasses since elementary school, they’re an all day necessity for me. i gotta get new ones, i’ve had these lenses for years and the frames for even longer whoops. the prescription definitely doesn’t line up anymore

last drink?: iced capp from tim hortons hehe. i don’t consume a lot of caffeine but that shit slaps and cold drinks are a must in this weather

last show?: i also don’t watch a lot of tv! uhhhhh i’m drawing a blank. there’s a chance it was Centaurworld but that was a WHILE ago (and i’ve been thinking of rewatching it soon)

favourite colour?: purples and teals. also browns when there’s a saturated accent colour with it

current obsession?: split between Blaseball (the brainrots been going strong since october) and several different groups of ocs. and also Animorphs i missed Animorphs so much i love Animorphs. fundamental to my childhood. i’m getting back to my roots

unrelated obsession?: not quite sure what this is asking! but Tears of the Kingdom is Up There as well, i’m trying not to rush through the game but i’m finding it very hard to put down ^-^’

or actually if that question is asking about obsessions not tied to any fandom. it’s prehistoric animals and/or bats :]

any pets?: there’s a lot of animals i know and interact with throughout the week. i live with a dog (old chihuahua named Prince) and 3 cats (Charming, Bella, and Mr. Kitty). of those, Mr. Kitty is My Cat part time. he loves my granny a lot too, he’s always either in my room or hers, snuggled up near one of us. he’s one of my best friends he’s so important to me :] my silly little guy

do you have a crush on anyone?: i still am not sure what that’s supposed to feel like and if i have ever felt it before but no i don’t right now. just love and admiration for my pals 🫶

favourite fictional characters: there’s so many my guy. i have a tag for blorbos that live in my brain. the ones on my mind a lot recently are a bunch of Blaseball players, the kids from Animorphs (in particular Rachel, Tobias, and Cassie. the latter two were always tied for favourite when i was a kid but i’ve also found a new appreciation for Rachel as well. man. these kids), the iterators from Rain World, the satellites from 17776/20020, Emmet & Ingo from Pokemon, the list can go on and on and on

last place you travelled?: uhhhh i don’t get out much! i haven’t left the valley i live in for years. i don’t know how far away ‘travel’ has to be to count as travel, the last trip i’ve been on might have been a family vacation into the states? in any case i didn’t go anywhere noteworthy in the past year or more

#bramble rambles #long post #ask memes #i don’t know if that’s the right one for this category of post but close enough #Spotify

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beevean · 2 years ago

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The whole production of SatAm is pretty weird in general. When you look at the many pieces of concept art that has surfaced in the past years it was originally going to look far more different than even those prototype scans from that one STC.

The whole is kind of funny in hindsight because I remember AoSTH being hated back in the day simply because it wasn't as dark or as serious as SatAm. Even though I would argue that AoSTH is closer in spirit to the games at the time compared to SatAm, to the point where I would even say that the show's Robotnik is pretty close to the modern Eggman we eventually got but with the narcism and hamminess turned up to 11.(Alas, we still haven't seen Eggman in a purple bikini, though.)

Like I have a lot of nostalgia towards SatAm, but I was also one of those fans who also liked AoSTH before YouTube Poop made it cool to do, and back when fandoms were far more demanding that people like one or the other or else. So I'm kindaaa getting increasingly annoyed with fans barking at Sega to introduce Sally and the rest of the Freedom Fighters into the games and modern canon(without even taking into consideration how fundamentally different the modern canon/s setting alone is in comparison). Just because SatAm/Archie were the faces of the franchise within at the least the Western fandom during the 90s, when it was far from the only adaptation and interpretation of the character and franchise floating around at the time.

My only experience with AoSTH and SatAM is the Nostalgia Critic review where he shits on the former and worships the latter, so I am familiar with what you said 😂

Admittedly I also remember watching the first episode of AoSTH a lifetime ago and concluding that it wasn't my thing - it felt like Discount Looney Tunes to me. It almost feels like DiC took Sonic 1 and 2, separated the zany, colorful aesthetic and the subtle environmentalist message from each other, and amped both up to 11 for its shows.

But yeah, I suppose that AoSTH was so lowkey and simple that they didn't need to change much about it. You have Sonic being a snarky '90s kid, you have Tails being his cute lil bro (I know of the scene where Tails calls Sonic his whole family, aww), you have Robotnik being a hammy bastard, you have three Badniks from the games, shenanigans ensue. That makes it inherently more faithful to the games of the time.

I don't think the concept of SatAM is bad? It puts emphasis on the environmentalist message (also, it was the '90s, that shit was en vogue back then lmao), it has Robotnik as a dictator to be fought by Sonic, on paper it sounds like a great Sonic adaptation. But I can't say how well it worked with that premise. Apparently not very well due to the main trio being OOC and overshadowed by the OCs, which seems to be a recurring problem with adaptations :P

I wonder how things would have turned out if DiC knew about the existence of Amy and Metal...

#sonic the hedgehog

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signalwatch · 1 year ago

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Women's World Cup 2023 Starts

Sport is funny. If you are paying attention to a sport, it can appear everywhere. But the minute you tune out, it's just a thing that exists that occasionally enters your line of sight.

I don't watch NFL or NBA anymore. NBA made itself too hard to watch via their TV strategy, and if I'm going to spend one day a weekend watching football, it's going to be college ball. But y'all know I also spend a ridiculous amount of time watching the Cubs and now Austin FC.

Way back in '99, I somehow got wrapped up in watching Women's World Cup. And, honestly, it's hard to top the excitement of that WWC win. But I don't really even remember how I tuned in, I just remember being very onboard watching the team playing a sport I fundamentally didn't understand except for "ball goes in net gets you points".

It's not that I didn't play soccer as a kid. We all did. But the rules for kids were different, and I played defense, so the "strategy", such as it was, was to stop whomever was driving the goal from doing so. It wasn't brain surgery. But once you start watching soccer a lot, you realize how *hard* this game is, how much strategy is in play as an absolute constant. But I also know and understand how to folks watching, it can just look like 20-odd people in matching shirts running around a field of grass.

Anyway, I've watched some or part of the Women's World Cup since 1999 every four years. I've tried to watch the National Women's Soccer League with minimal success inbetween, mostly because coverage was spotty, and we had no local team for me to follow. But... then I got Paramount+ recently to watch my crew on Star Trek: Strange New Worlds and found out NWSL is on Paramount. Horrible timing for 2023, as I was only going to gear up for the World Cup, but now I know! Also, I need to pick a team, I guess, til Austin gets one.

ALSO: Austin's Q2 stadium is only occupied every other week, and is a great stadium, and, I'm just saying... we could use a team.

Because, honestly, having a team to care about changes everything. I knew nothing about MLS four years ago, soccer culture, etc... and now it does take up a part of my life that the Houston Rockets, San Antonio Spurs, Phoenix Suns, Packers, Cowboys and other teams and sports once occupied. I can't dedicate the time to it of the serious or hardcore fans, but I am following the team, fan groups and whatnot, and watch most matches either live or as soon as I get home.

And, I have been tracking what news I could cobble together on the USWMNT, pretty much following the end of the last World Cup, through the (wildly misogynistic) pay discrepancy lawsuits, team selection and watched some matches this year - you'll note how many movies I've been watching has dropped a *lot* as sport fills in the spots.

Anyway - the World Cup has started, and I've been watching matches. They're showing on Fox Sports in English, and the coverage is honestly really good. If you can tolerate Alexei Lalas. Which I cannot. But I persevere.

The US looked pretty good in their first match versus a Vietnam that looked insane out there, and I think nerves got in the way of better play. We have 14 players who were not on the last squad. But we do have some key veterans (Crystal Dunn, Megan Rapinoe, Rose Lavelle, Julie Ertz, Alex Morgan etc...) and I expect we'll settle in next match.

This is the push for a third World Cup title for the US, and it's easy to say "well, US programs for young women are way ahead of the rest of the world, of course we'll do well" but NO. I mean, yes, it's true. But it's also true everyone else is catching up. China has been good for years, Japan won a while back. And I'd argue England looks like a problem for our team.

The competition should be tough, and from what I'm seeing, the play is really good.

Anyway - I don't know if I can get folks to watch something they otherwise wouldn't - but the next match is Wednesday the 26th against the Netherlands. It should be well worth your time. And keep in mind, soccer matches are about 2 hours all told, so you won't lose your full evening.

https://ift.tt/nEJILw4

from The Signal Watch https://ift.tt/uGF9DQO

#world cup #futbol #women's soccer #soccer

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thedaveandkimmershow · 1 year ago

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It's Linzy's birthday today and what I shall forthrightly and adamantly avoid is to post pictures of when she was a newborn or when she was a kid.

She's 26 years old, for crying out loud. I shoulda stopped doing that more than a decade ago. 😐

I shall also forthrightly and adamantly avoid making today about the missus 'n me. Because, you know, we've got stories. Stories that are still easily accessible right at the tips of our fingers kinds of stories.

I could tell you one right now about the day Linzy was born...

But I'm not gonna.

Instead, I'll point out how we still feel what our twenties were like. And we can very much see through Linzy's eyes what they're like right now.

In many ways, her twenties and our twenties aren't that different. At the same time, they're nothing like each other. They couldn't be more different.

By which I mean to say that the fundamentals of being a twenty-something haven't changed whilst the environment in which present day twenty-somethings exist is breathtakingly, profoundly different.

Profoundly different.

They're basically living a reboot.

As if the cast of a Western film classic like "High Noon" was reimagined into the middle of a Science Fiction classic like "Blade Runner".

Same people.

Wildly different environment.

And oh yes. They're also living a fiercely different story.

If you don't believe me, God. Just look around. Because this, all around us, is a fiercely different story.

So when we say we're proud of our daughter... it's because we know her story.

From Day 1.

We know her, we know her story, we know the cast of characters who've taken the stage with her (all manner of heroes and villains), and we know the world she's navigating.

And yes.

We remember the twenty-something gig.

So when we say we're proud of her, we say that with the full knowledge of having done the twenty-something gig and recognizing what that's like today. Right now.

This very moment.

With that in mind, we're impressed as hell by her relentless pursuit of her music career. Her dreams. We're impressed by the unimaginable work that goes into being in two successful bands and performing to packed audiences. In fact, by this time next month, one of those bands, The Little Lies, will have performed in front of an arena filled by a crowd of thousands at a Kraken game.

Did not, by the way, see that coming.

Really did not.

In many ways, we're still her first audience for song demos. At least we like to think we are.

We're probably nine and ten on the list 'cause she's got a lot of friends who are professionals in the local music community.

Aside from those demos, I thoroughly enjoy kicking ideas around with her when it comes to her Dream Patrol brand, the wing of her creativity reserved for the techno/pop/cinematic/layered vibe she does so well. It's also a completely engaging exercise to talk about the difference between one of her songs produced as a Linzy Collins production versus a Dream Patrol production. And then imagining what a live Dream Patrol show looks like.

It's her future actively being written before our very eyes.

You know?

Linzy's always been a hard worker which, I admit, I hate how that doesn't sound like one of those cool things of which to be proud. But in Linzy's case, from learning to play the piano, the guitar, the clarinet, the trombone, the cello... to interior and exterior house painting to filing to spreadsheets to high-end home cleaning with an agency... to putting bands together to the DIY nature of being a band in the PNW handling everything from songwriting to arranging to producing to recording to sound mixing to cover art to marketing and promoting and rehearsing and rehearsing and...

Rehearsing.

Maybe "hard worker" isn't the way to put it. Maybe "relentless master of her pursuits" works a little better.

Okay. A lot better. 😁

Because while she has the whatever it is people have inside them that keeps then going... she also has the bandwidth, the intellect, the emotional IQ, the verbal skills, the professional vibe, the work ethic, and the sheer creative prowess to prevail at something that was barely a dream once upon a time that's now an actual, paying, honest-to-God career with plenty of success behind her and plenty of room above her to keep reaching ever upward propelled there by her solo work, her band work, her Dream Patrol work, her production and songwriting services, and so on.

All that atop the reality of living in a major urban center, in her twenties, in today's world.

The challenges are intimidating, of course. I won't lie. They're suffocating, sometimes demoralizing at times. Not just for her but for anyone pursuing the life she's choosing, this passion she's following, this craft she's absolutely mastering alongside the community of professional musicians she calls friends, collaborators, bandmates, and badass gifted artists.

It's a helluva thing to watch, this life she's challenging, this career she's building. And yes yes yes. Of course we're proud. Of course.

But it's also exciting as hell.

☺️😎🤯🥳❤️

#birthday #linzy collins #happy birthday

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lilacswraith · 2 years ago

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Thank you so much for the reply!

So, to answer your question Im gonna have to add a bit of context, apologies for the info dump: falconry is a huge part of arabian heritage, specifically in the gulf region, in its early days it was nomadic people hunting with passage birds for the season and these falcons were seen as extensions of the family, almost sacred animals who reflected the owners own strength and brought good fortune with a successful season. If you had a strong, well trained falcon, you also had respect. While the way falconry is practiced has changed, the sentiment is much the same, birds of prey are treated with a lot of reverence. I met a sheikh who had a separate house for his falcons thats bigger than most apartments, complete with aircon and plumbing! Its kind of insane

The problem that arose is that one of the main prey items for falcons was the houbra bustard, an animal that became incredibly endangered. Due to this, along with other issues from an animal conservation stand point, hunting with birds of prey in most places became illegal except for those on private land with permits and strict restrictions on prey. The result is that most people simply don’t hunt (at least not locally, hunting trips go abroad). Still, falcons and birds of prey in general remain a vital part of heritage so other ways to practice the sport developed, mainly the infamous falcon races but there are many bird shows, educational institutions, abatement practices (mostly with hawks), desert safaris, hunting simulations (using drones and remotes controlled planes in the desert), etc. It’s also passed down through families, the first time I held a bird I was 7. And at the end of the day there’s simply the prestige of having a well kept raptor. Mostly the owls fly in shows and on safaris, or are just flown as a hobby. Its also worth adding that there are a LOT of pharaoh eagle owls just milling around so maybe a part of it was just we might as well try? Don’t quote me on that though! The birds are all very well taken care of and are quite fit even if they don’t hunt, (most of the time, there’s always assholes who neglect their animals) because anything less is disrespectful to the sport and culture

(Btw disclaimer that this only applies to the UAE, I don’t have as much knowledge about hunting regulations in other arab countries)

Its definitely reassuring to hear there are ethical ways to keep owls and that its not just fundamentally bad! I like to think the way my falconry center practices is okay but I’ll definitely bring it up so we can scrutinise our methods lmao, the owls are comfortable and healthy so at the very least I count that a win. Also yeah, at the moment, I work quite closely with 2 desert eagle owls, and I’ve noticed the difference in their behaviour depending on age. One is an owlet that we got a few weeks ago and she’s the cuddliest thing! She always burrows under you and wants to get on the couch and in blankets so we’ve been keeping her with people 24/7 rather than leaving her alone overnight, (we do that with most of the imprint chicks but I didn’t know that owls *needed* maternal interaction like humans, that’s interesting.) The older owl (I think he’s like 2 years old?) on the other hand is probably the most independent imprint I’ve ever met, he’s the one who hates the glove but we’re not the ones who did the initial training so there might’ve been something that triggered that. He may not like us but I love him to pieces!

I don’t have my own owl nor do I plan on getting one soon because I don’t have the space to free muse, but good to keep in mind that they can hunt for later! That’d definitely be fun to learn. Thank you again for the insightfulness, I really appreciate it!

Hi! Sorry if this question has been asked before, but are you completely against keeping owls as falconry birds?

I practice Arabic falconry and while we don’t hunt with our owls, they’re still taught to come to the glove / fly perch to perch depending on the trainers preference and birds responsiveness, some owls are just uncomfortable on the glove so we avoid it. But yes they are often used in the sport

I’ve been reading your owl behaviour posts (which are super interesting btw) and it’s been making me reflect on the owls I’ve personally worked with so I was wondering what your opinion is with keeping them? While we have a lot of distinctions in how we train and house falcons, hawks, eagles and buteos compared to the owls, I can definitely see how behavioural cues get mixed up and how that can hurt them so I’m glad I can be more conscious of it now

(side note: the owls are almost always captive bred and imprinted / créche reared and most “hot-weather” owls are diurnal or crepuscular species (ie, desert eagle owl) so I’m not sure if everything you say when talking about non-imprints and nocturnal owls applies)

I don’t have an objection to falconers or education centers using owls, only an objection to it being done improperly.

I actually had no idea owls were used in Arab falconry at all, if you don’t hunt with them what do you use them for? You’ve got me curious now!

Generally speaking yes an owl can be ethically flown if imprinted correctly and given the freedom to say “no” to being out on the glove if it’s uncomfortable with it. For what it’s worth if you have the patience you can actually hunt with them, it’s just a lot more work than it’s worth for most people.

But yes, it can be ethically done as long as the owl’s space is respected and it’s allowed generous time to itself in the mews. Most imprint falcons can be quite pleased to ride the glove all day and hang out perched in your bedroom, but owls really do like their alone time as adults. Owlets on the other hand need frequent interaction with people to feel safest. Sitting on the ground and allowing the owlets to cuddle up against and under you as they would if they were in the nest with their mother builds their confidence that they can rely on you to keep them safe. That’s crucial in the field, in raising imprints in general the role of that sort of contact cannot be understated. Though they are very different from humans, they still suffer from lack of maternal contact as babies just as we do.

As far as flying owls goes, the biggest thing is to be careful with weight management. I’m not sure about diurnal owls, but nocturnal owls are less confident in being out and about in the open and may be more reluctant to fly. An easy pitfall some falconers fall into is lowering the weight too much and more or less starving the poor bird. I haven’t had the pleasure of working with many diurnal owl species though, so I can’t tell you too much there. Just that they seem easier to get hunting if you choose than a nocturnal owl tends to be.

#falconry #owls

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buqalamun · 3 years ago

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10 years of Anki, a rambling reflection

I can't believe I've been using Anki for a decade.

(not the whole decade, as you can see. But it's 10 years ago today that I studied cards for the first time)

The beginning

11 years ago, I was studying abroad in Tajikistan. One of my classmates had learned Arabic and Persian really well in the same amount of time that it took me to get to a really mediocre level in just one language. He mentioned offhand that one of the keys to his success was a computer program called Anki, digital flashcards for daily vocabulary study.

Something about a magical algorithm that will show you vocabulary just before you're about to forget it... Spaced Repetition... I didn't really understand at the time, but hey, it worked for him!

Unfortunately, it took a year for me to follow his advice. I didn't care for the idea of spending ages in front of my computer to drill flashcards every day (I didn't have a smartphone, and I wouldn't get one for several years yet). And I didn't think I needed it! My memory was fine... Right?

But a year later, I was doing my MA in translation, and really struggling to keep my language skills sharp. I was learning loads of new words, but they fell out of my head as soon as I moved on to the next text. So I finally installed the program that would become my second brain, my backup language memory.

Now it's ten years later, and I study 5 languages with Anki. I spend about 20 minutes per day reviewing 200-300 cards. I've taken breaks and lost and regained interest several times over the course of 10 years, but I consider Anki a fundamental part of my language learning practice.

First, a disclaimer

Is Anki flawless and absolutely necessary to learn a language? No. There are just as many people who blindly venerate Anki as there are those who loudly criticise it.

It's not absolute magic, it's a tool - a machine that needs tinkering and maintenance to be used well. It's not a one-size-fits-all solution, but it is flexible enough to fit many different people's needs, if one is willing to figure out how to use it.

Its steep learning curve and depth are things that make it hard to recommend to other people. Showing someone Anki for the first time and explaining how I use it feels a bit like giving someone an empty notebook and telling them,

"This is my favourite book. It's revolutionized my studying!! But first, you should change the cover, because the one it comes with isn't great. Then you should adjust the tightness of the binding. Don't forget to use a special pen! And it doesn't have anything written in it yet, you have to add all of that yourself. And if you stop using it for more than a few days at a time, it becomes really difficult to catch up with. But it's my favourite notebook and it works really well if you use it right!"

Some people will love to customise it and get everything just right, and can get great results. Some people think this is way too much bother, and I totally respect that. How many hours did I spend learning Anki at the beginning, that I could have used to learn my languages? After 10 years, I'm sure I've broken even, but how can you be sure you'll stick with it?

(There are a lot of New and Suspended cards in my collection because I have imported a bunch of Subs2SRS decks, which serve as a mass sentence bank when I want to find how a word is used in context. I rely on that less and less now that I'm using Migaku, though - more on that below.)

My current routine

I do my daily reviews with AnkiDroid on my phone, in small chunks over the course of the day - during all those microbreaks, like waiting for a meeting to start, or standing in line, or on the bus. I used to do nearly all my cards during my morning bus commute, but I'm not commuting anymore! But having Anki in my pocket is essential; I've never been able to keep the habit of reviewing on the computer every day.

Once or twice a week, I open Anki on my computer so I can take advantage of some of the awesome add-ons, and more easily add and edit cards.

My must-have add-ons

These aren't all the add-ons I have installed, but they are the most impactful day-to-day.

Multi-column note editor: Save precious screen space for note types that have many fields (and you should have a lot of fields, to keep information separate, so you can move things around on your card freely. Don't you dare put translation/pronunciation/definition/audio/gender/notes/etc all in the same field!)

Straight Reward: Prevent 'ease hell'. It adjusts card ease based on how many times you get it right in a row (a streak/'straight'). It adjusts in batches, so it also works with mobile so long as you log in on the computer every so often.

Morphman: Wrangle Subs2SRS decks into shape. Calculates how many words you know, finds the sentences you know and the ones you should learn. Works best with Chinese and Japanese.

Migaku Dictionary (and Migaku Browser Extension - it isn't strictly an Anki add-on, but it connects to Anki): The dicitionary lets you look up words from the card browser and copy definitions with one click. The Browser Extension allows full audio sentence/definition cards from Netflix/Youtube/etc in a matter of clicks. Killer app for language learners while immersing with media.

New branches, new leaves, same tree

I love how Anki can adapt to different study methods over time. My card collection is a constantly evolving creature. I started with very basic one-word vocabulary cards... Then little by little I added things like pronunciation and example sentences... I moved to sentence cards, then audio cards. I thought things couldn't get any better than mass-importing Subs2SRS decks, especially with Morphman, and now I like the more targeted approach of hand-picked sentences with the Migaku extension.

Old leaves fall. New ones take their place. Branches are added. Flowers and fruits abound. The trunk itself grows larger. But the tree remains the very same.

-Edmond Privat

It's been with me across 4 phones, 3 computers, a tablet and an ebook reader. It has sentences from most of the books I've read in foreign languages over these years, quotes from friends and language partners, heartwarming moments from Cdramas I've watched, and many lines from movies, poems, and songs. I feel a little sentimental about my collection when I think about it in this way - it's been with me through so much, and I've put a lot of myself into it.

The deal you make with Anki

I've never been able to stick with any ~language learning apps~ for a long time. I don't like to stick to someone else's curriculum or someone else's pace, I want to do things my way. I want to design my cards exactly the way I like them. I want to learn from my favourite tv shows, I want to choose exactly the vocabulary that I prioritise.

Anki basically says: OK, choose whatever you want to learn. Set up your cards. And if you agree to check in every day, I'll make sure that material sticks in your memory. That's the deal. Well, I haven't always kept up my end of the bargain - sometimes I check in after a few weeks and find a big stack of cards waiting for me. But when it does work... It just works beautifully.

I hope this was helpful in some way

Lastly, some very quick Settings advice as a reward for reading this far: Keep New Cards/Day low, or they will sneak up on you later. Keep Maximum Interval high. Raise the Interval Modifier higher. Leech Threshold should be low, and the New Interval for Lapses should be at least 10% (mine is 20). Anki works best for long-term memory, not for time-sensitive things like exams. Plenty of people do use it in that way, but I can't give any advice on it :)

And most importantly - you control Anki, don't let it control you. If you're not having fun, if you're getting frustrated and not seeing any progress - You have the power to change things up. Adjust your material, adjust your cards or your settings. Take a break from new cards if you need to. If it's making you really miserable...walk away! It's not meant to be a torture device. It's a tool for you to use as you see fit.

If you're interested in reading more ramblings on Anki, I've written a lot more and shared some of my decks for Persian & Mandarin too.

#anki srs #language learning #anki #langblr #polyglot #op #best of #morphman #migaku

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girl4music · 1 year ago

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You know, the most profound insanely compelling thing I learned from playing this game or just watching people play this game years ago is the theory that Termina, and specifically Clock Town, is all in Skull Kid/Majora’s head. That he practically created and governed that entire environment with just the metal power that he possessed while wearing the mask.

It floored me as the young naive girl that I was to learn that anybody, fictional or otherwise, could have a mind that powerful that they could create literal physical worlds that others could actually walk in.

Now, as the mature wise woman that I am, it makes complete sense to me that people are capable of this.

That people even do it every day. Right now even. Creating their reality - their path - their world with only just the power of their own psyche. Of course power like that can be abused. It, in fact, already is abused. Of course it requires money and all sorts of materialistic resources to achieve and maintain it.

But on a fundamental level -

physics is created by the mind.

Once the idea or concept or thought is there…

Then there is already a potential existence of it. It already lives in a state and position of the potential.

Art/entertainment like the video game Majora’s Mask taught me this information. Remarkable, am I right?

It is insane, true. But it is probable at the same time.

Some of the best evidence for this is there’s been groups of people from all different walks of life that have sat together in a room and mediated on the same wavelength and frequency and they have been able to do crazy things to their physical environment.

There’s groups of people that have even caused or prevented natural disasters in the world through this. And it just goes to show you the possibilities if we were all aware to, one - it being a real thing and two - us being capable of it as a collective consciousness.

It’s a scary thought because there’s many that would love to do damage and cause pain through doing this. But at the same time it can also be used for the greater good. To help and to heal and to support.

But yes, it’s a possible and probable existence already.

To think that I could learn something extremely profound like that from a video game of all things. And okay - maybe it does have a lot to do with my mental capacity and curiosity for the unknown and undone. But reception is just as important. And some people really do close their minds to any information of this nature. They say “only in fiction” or “only in the movies” or something to that negative effect.

And it’s such a sodden shame, you know? ☹️

And my response to that always is “who do you think came up with the idea for that piece of fiction/movie?”

Real people.

Real minds.

Real creation.

The point is… if it wasn’t possible or probable to exist… It could never be conceived in the first place.

I always think so many people have such an underwhelming worldview - the majority really - in that their way of looking at the world is extremely rudimentary and restrictive. There’s open minds about but so many are so afraid to cultivate their open mind.

And I just think it’s a shame that there’s people with minds out there that can literally change the way the world is perceived or understood or even just thought.

And they’re not given the opportunity to explore it because so many more than them think it’s lunacy.

But if we always had that attitude - we wouldn’t have discovered half the revolutionary shit we have - we wouldn’t have evolved as much as we have.

Crazy minds are created to be challenged rather than conquered. When you challenge someone, you’re asking them to make their stake and put their money where their mouth is. You’re asking them to best you. When you conquer someone - you never give them a chance to prove that their point might be greater. And only cowards ultimately do the latter, never the former because they know that they could indeed be bested and they’re terrified that one fine day - they could be.

You must always remember if you have a crazy mind that there’s many who came before you that did too.

And they ended up being very important people who did very important things and it changed everything.

10 years ago you would have never seen me write any of this. I would have never been able to entertain the same thought… let alone believe to be a very real possibility. In short - something happened to me.

I can’t exactly explain what or how without referring to esoteric philosophy and pseudoscience but just trust me when I say that I was never the same ever again. I’ve had nowhere close to a remarkable or special life. I’ve never walked on water or discovered relativity…

But I’ve always just felt deep inside that I was more than what my very humble beginnings allowed for me.

And I know it’s because I have the courage to be crazy and not give a shit about however it is I’m perceived.

I have a crazy mind and a strong will.

And an inner child that just won’t let up. 😜

So I allow myself to learn from art/entertainment and that of which many others only regard as “fiction” because I know one day things will be very different.

If it can be conceived and it can be believed.

It can be achieved. It just takes courage and creation.

As different as I may have been 10 years ago there’s one thing that’s remained very consistent about me.

I have never ever viewed the world the way most do. Even when I was mentally closed off - I was still always closed off in my own way. Never followed anyone else. And now I’m mentally open, that hasn’t really changed. What’s changed is I don’t undermine others anymore for the way they see things. For the path they’ve chosen to walk in life. For being themselves.

Because I’ve always allowed myself to do the same there’s no reason why that can’t be extended to other. I think that’s mainly the problem with people with closed minds. It’s not that they’re against anything in particular. It’s not that they see or think of anything as wrong. It’s just that they don’t realize that different people see things differently to what they do and, as such, have a problem with accepting them as people.

I’m not like that anymore. Sometimes I can slip into that insensitiveness every now and again. But I always check my behaviour at the door and reassess things. And I’ve been a much happier person as a result too. Naturally you would be happier when you’ve stopped stressing about shit that ultimately doesn’t matter.

Well anyway - not to give you my entire life story (actually, I think I pretty much have)… but this is me.

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“Earlier in this video I claimed that Majora’s Mask is a perfect commentary on trauma. And while Link’s healing journey through Termina is one reason for making this claim, what really makes Majora’s Mask stand out is the contrast between how Link and the Skull Kid respond to their traumas. Whereas Link’s actions throughout Majora’s Mask demonstrate the healthy and necessary aspects of trauma recovery, Skull Kid’s actions illustrate how not to cope with trauma if we want to live a life worth living. For this reason, Dr. Herman’s three-phase model of recovery is no longer relevant. So when speaking about the Skull Kid I will reference another psychological model. This one from the realm of conflict resolution. The Circle of Aggression and Reconciliation created by Olga Bacharova. This diagram illustrates not only how one can move from aggression to reconciliation but also how one can get trapped in aggression for, potentially, ever. Bacharova notes that the inner cycle of the diagram demonstrates how natural human responses to harm may move people from being victims to becoming aggressors, and Skull Kid perfectly personifies this movement from victim to villain. You see, Skull Kid’s friends The Giants have left him behind and Skull Kid feels abandoned. This abandonment leads to intense pain and eventually anger. To use Bacharova’s words: “anger has a legitimate yet irrational nature”. To use my own words, even justified anger has a will of its own. No matter how righteous our rage may be, if we allow anger to control our lives forever, it will inevitably cause more pain and suffering. But let’s be honest. Anger is useful. If we are sad we generally lay down, cry or collapse. But if we are angry we tend to take action. Anger gives us energy to move, to make change. And if we are fresh off the heels of a traumatizing event, anger can feel like the only emotion that might keep us going when we would otherwise want to break down. And so it is easy to imagine that Skull Kid would indulge his anger to give himself some relief. Some sense of power and agency against his backdrop of loss. Whereas Link regains his sense of self by healing the pain of others, Skull Kid regains his sense of self by partaking in petty acts of anger and revenge. Unfortunately anger is seductive and addictive. Because of its energy and its usefulness anger can be easily justified and easily abused. And this is the trap that Skull Kid finds himself within throughout Majora’s Mask. With every crime or transgression he commits he assures himself that it’s okay because he is a victim. The more he reassures himself of his righteousness, the more bold and destructive his behaviour becomes. And Skull Kid isn’t just angry with The Giants. He’s angry with the entire world. And this is pretty common. As Bacharova notes; “sometimes anger is directed towards outsiders who are unable to prevent the loss or even towards others who did not experience a similar loss”. I.E. the whole world is seen as hostile.

All of the characters in Majora’s Mask suffer but for some reason Skull Kid seems to believe that his suffering is unique. Somehow more important than the pain of everyone else. Anger has a way of doing that. This tendency understandably causes him to feel isolated and it also allows him to justify his destructive behaviours. These behaviours repel others including his only friends; Tatl and Tael which further isolates him. In other words, Skull Kid’s actions become a self-fulfilling prophecy. What he really wants is the sense of connection he lost when The Giants departed but his anger at their abandonment and his subsequent bad behaviour pushes everyone away. I have to be honest - I feel bad for the Skull Kid. Bacharova says that: “subconsciously, victims want to restore the sense of deep human connectedness destroyed by conflict. In order to make the wrongdoer understand the pain of the victim, he needs to experience a similar suffering. So as twisted as it may sound Skull Kid’s acts of terror are actually just unhealthy attempts to restore his sense of connection with others. He is lonely and afraid and he wants others to feel pain because he is in pain. And if everyone is in pain, maybe he won’t feel so lonely. Whereas Link connects with others by helping, Skull Kid connects with others by hurting. But of course, by trying to connect with others by hurting them Skull Kid experiences more rejection and more abandonment which causes him more pain and invokes more anger and aggression - so he just keeps cycling. This is why Bacharova’s diagram shows a potential for the cycle of aggression to cycle endlessly. It is very difficult, although not impossible, to escape the cycle of aggression once it has started. It is perfectly self-containing and perfectly self-replicating.

In my opinion, Skull Kid, or Majora, if you like, is the most terrifying villain in the Zelda franchise because his desires are so unquenchable. Whereas Ocarina Of Time’s Ganondorf is motivated by power, Majora is motivated by his own pain. If a villain is motivated by a power, we can negotiate with them by giving them power or taking it away. For example in Ocarina Of Time there are people who can stay on Ganondorf’s good side by playing into his vanity and treating him as their leader. In Majora’s Mask, there are no such characters. While there are some shady people who take advantage of the chaos left in Skull Kid’s wake, there are no characters who ally themselves with the Skull Kid. To have friends or allies would take away his feelings of abandonment and therefore his feelings of victimhood and therefore his anger and therefore his power. In this way Skull Kid can be seen as having no weaknesses because the more pain we inflict upon him, the more anger he feels, and the more anger he feels, the more powerful he becomes. So how can we possibly stop him?”

I always find Zelda games to be more significant and profound than most other single-player RPG games. It’s part of the reason it’s my favourite game series of all-time. The creators are always creating stories that allow the main protagonist (and the player as an extension) to find some type of psychological reward to their endeavours over a specifically physical one. I mean the two may and often do come and go together but it’s always the psychological reward that is the most compelling reason to play the games for me.

Majora’s Mask in particular leaves you only with the psychological reward for the most part. But - as you said - you really don’t pick this up about it immediately, if ever - it’s something that settles into you as you return to playing the game the older that you get. And I always prefer art/entertainment of any format that has the consumer grow with it in that they continue to find more and more meaning each time they engage with it rather than just have meaning for them in a specific place in time. Or just the once. In a sense Majora’s Mask is a timeless experience in an overall narrative that focuses specifically on time. The time it takes to do something, the time it takes to achieve a certain goal…. Only for it all to be undone when the clock strikes twelve three days later. And it is frustrating and it is debilitating. You feel like you aren’t doing enough even when you’ve expended every bit of energy you have left on your objectives. It ultimately doesn’t mean anything to get it done. To save the day. The physical reward does not do anything for you or for anyone really because it’s constantly taken from you when time resets itself.

But that is what it feels like to be locked inside trauma. It does feel like a cycle that never ends. And Majora’s Mask captures that experience accurately even for those who do not have internalized trauma. And it is a game that stands out in and of itself even within the franchise to which it belongs in and to. ‘The Legend Of Zelda’ is always a unique experience with each game you play because it almost always involves the human condition - which is always viewed and handled differently depending on the individual. But Majora’s Mask is a game that only feels fulfilling when you’ve forgotten that of which you think needs to be. When you’ve given up looking for an answer and just kept moving regardless of the reward or destination. It’s why I believe it’s not really a children’s game because in some ways it’s like playing a psychological horror game like any of the Silent Hills. It is frightening, it is traumatising, it is an unpleasant experience for the most part when playing the game.

And that’s precisely the point. The creators are asking you to feel something as you play it. Not to just simply play it. Because that’s an empty goal. There is no reason to even complete this game and you may never do so… I certainly never have. But I appreciate the attempt to get us to look inward and understand that completion is pretty meaningless when you’re psychologically stuck in a cycle that you can’t get out of. The only reward is the psychological one and you may never get it or you may always get it. It really depends on you as the player/engager of it.

All true art/entertainment creators seek more from its creation than to simply just be art/entertainment. But very few creators will take away any sense of satisfaction at all in anyone interacting with their creation in order to get that higher result or greater response from it. To leave a psychological impact. And the reason why is that people don’t like to be preached to. They don’t want to go that deep in. They want an escape from real life situations and circumstances such as trauma. They don’t want to literally purchase a reason to dive in and address it. And that’s their prerogative and right. However, for me, it will always mean so much more to me that way because the only reason I do interact/engage with art/entertainment - particularly of a visual format - is so that I can learn more about life and the human condition. Understand it’s difficulties and complexities. Study it’s vastness and variation in how it’s experienced by so many different people of so many different backgrounds and how it informs and influences them to see or think or feel a certain way.

That’s always interesting to me, fascinating even. But so many people prefer art/entertainment to be basic and straight-forward. Not complicated and layered. And again - there’s nothing wrong with that. Art/entertainment is a medium that should be useful or beneficial in many numbers of ways, however deep or shallow, but I’m just saying I prefer it to be the latter because the psychological reward is what I want most out of it. I want to be able to acknowledge and address my traumas, complexes or emotions, as well as come to be aware of and understand other peoples. I want the heavy, I want the hard, I want the heartache. Maybe it seems masochistic and tragic to others to want that in art/entertainment and that’s fair to say… but that’s just me. What can I say? I’m a glutton for pain so long as I get some kind of catharsis out of it. A good cry or a motivation to act or to FEEL SOMETHING. To learn and to evolve through it. To understand self and other just that little bit better because of it. I have no other such requirement out of it but to LEARN. Yes, that’s always the point for me.

Thanks for this analysis. I think you were spot on. Especially about Skull Kid. It is as I always say: hurt people hurt people. And the only healing we can possibly do when it comes to that case is within. As my favourite TV show of all-time ‘Xena: Warrior Princess’ has taught me: “there’s only one way to end the cycle of hatred and it’s through love and forgiveness”. And it’s not an easy thing to do at all. As awful as the things people with this kind of trauma do to us, we have to remind ourselves that everyone has a story and some understanding goes a long way despite how hurt we feel by their actions and choices. We don’t have to forgive them for their sake, as you pointed out. But we do owe it to ourselves to do this or we can’t heal from that cycle of hatred either. And hope - maybe in some way or form - they will change.

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