#so much to unpack about that scene but like. this just sends so bad

[lesbiradshaw]

jake putting on a song about slow sleazy sex as soon as he noticed bradley walking into the bar… bradley being so dickmatized by jake he started nodding to being insulted right to his face… all of this happening in front of their teammates… where was the decorum.

[malarkgirlypop]

MEDIC! Part 27 (Donald Malarkey x Fem!OC)

Oh guys this is a hard read for my first post in a hot second. I have been slow at writing this, cause this is super important and I don't want to have it be bad, or tacky. This is obviously horrible what happened to these people, and sometimes that horrific a of an event is hard to put into words. This is in means no way to offend anyone.

Disclaimer: End part of episode 9, if you are not comfortable with this please don't read.

Based on the HBO show and the actors who portray the characters, not hate to anyone involved.

Tag list: @imusicaddict, anyone else please let me know.

We again piled into the trucks, we were making good time, but it still felt like years being in the back of the vehicle. Babe had kept my secret from everyone like I had asked, but I caught him sending me looks throughout the night. The sadness still lingering in his eyes from the conversation we had had previously. All I could do was send him small smiles. 

We passed through the green countryside, chatting amongst ourselves. The rolling plains seemed endless, as they stretched out for miles, further than the eye could see. 

The trucks passed through the outskirts of the small rural town, a decrepit barn sat on the side of the road. Even from over the roar of the engines from all of the vehicles driving by, I could still hear the yells of men. I look to the barn curious about the commotion, everyone else also peering over. The barn door swung open as soldiers tossed men onto the ground, I could see from here the men were wearing German uniforms. I couldn’t look away fast enough as the soldier’s standing behind the men raised their guns, shooting them in the back of the head. I turned my eyes away from the scene, not wanting to witness the brutal killings. 

The other men seemed unfazed.

Except for O’Keefe, who looked around to his fellow comrades with shock on his face. They didn’t return the sorrow that etched his features, only shrugging their shoulders, or smiling at the man for looking so distraught by what he had seen. 

His eyes finally landed on mine. I returned the look of sadness and horror, but mine was worn with memories behind it. O’Keefe eyes shone with new fear and sadness, whereas mine was tattered and old. O’Keefe had not yet known the horrors of war, I guess that’s why the men didn’t reciprocate his concern. We all had seen much worse than a few men being shot in the head. 

What an odd statement to make. To realise. 

O’Keefe’s reaction was only natural, but for us it wasn’t out of the ordinary. It was a sad reality to think we were accustomed to the horrors we had seen.    

We finally pulled into the little town. The men quickly departed the trucks, getting orders from the Lieutenants. We weren’t staying the night, just stopping for a break, before continuing on in our journey. 

“I have to go on a patrol through the woods.” Don said as he approached me. I nodded my head, giving him a smile. There wasn’t much for me to do here, we weren’t unpacking, so I hung around the officers in case they needed me for something.   

“Ok, be safe.” I placed a kiss on his cheek. I watched as he walked away joining the rest of the men he was going with. 

—----------------------------------------------

“Emily! Guys! Hey, have you seen any of the officers?” Frank yelled from behind us. I turned to face Perconte, his normal playful expression filled with urgency. 

“No.” Babe, Lieb and I all stated. 

“Is everything ok, Frank?” I asked the man, my face changing to concern for my friend. He had been on one of the patrols. Everyone else had come back from theirs except for their group. But Frank was by himself, where were the other men? Even Don had come and gone, saying they hadn’t found anything. Frank didn’t answer me though, sprinting from one soldier to the next, asking the same questions. 

I watched him, my brows furrowed and lip caught between my teeth. Babe and Lieb seemed to have brushed off the odd interaction going back to the conversation they were having. 

“Ain’t that right, Em?” Babe nudged me, but my gaze was still fixed on Frank running around frantically. 

“Em?” Lieb asked, clicking his fingers in front of my face. 

“I think something’s wrong.” I told them, my stomach churning. I felt unsettled, something not sitting right in my gut. 

“He’s probably fine.” Lieb said, lighting his smoke, taking a deep drag from the cigarette. “Don’t look so worried, Emmy.” He tried to reassure me, stroking his hand down my back. But I shook my head. I set off after Frank as he ran into one of the buildings. 

“Em, where are ya going?” Babe called after me. But I didn’t turn to explain. I ran after Frank, gaining on him as I sprinted, dodging my way through the crowd.   

Frank found Winters first. The red haired man walked out of the building they had been temporarily occupying. I hung back not wanting to interrupt them, but I was desperate to know why Perco was so frantic. 

“Major Winters, Sir.” Frank started chasing after the officer who walked briskly towards where I stood. 

“Uhh, we found something.” Perco didn’t seem to know how to phrase his words. The pair passed in front of me, I followed behind them closely, eavesdropping in on their conversation. 

“We’re out on patrol and we came across this…” Frank stopped trying to find the right way to describe what he had seen.

“What, what, what, what?” Major Winters prompted Perco trying to get him to spit out what he wanted to say. 

“Frank, Frank, what is it?” Winters seemed just as concerned as I did. Perco stood in front of Dick, mouth agape, trying to think of how he wanted to explain himself. 

“I don’t know, sir.” He uttered, shaking his head. 

At that moment my stomach dropped. I didn’t know why, but something about how flustered, confused and scared Perco looked set me on edge. 

This war wasn’t pretty, hell no war was. But there were horrific things done, so many lives lost. There were a number of explanations as to what their patrol found, each one just as dreadful as the next.  

Winters saw that too. He loaded a couple groups of men into the back of the trucks, myself included. With Frank in the front car with the rest of the officers, he gave directions back to where the patrol waited.

I sat between Don and Lieb, no one seemed to take Frank’s worries seriously. The men in the bed talked and chatted casually to each other. I sat elbows on my knees and head in my hands, I couldn’t stop my leg from jittering and my stomach churning. 

We drove into the dense forest, following the dirt roads and Frank’s directions. I watched as Perco lifted his arm pointing left, my eyes followed. 

My heart dropped as my eyes landed on the gruesome sight. 

There in the thick of the trees, was a clearing. 

Within the open space was a fence, lined with barbed wire. The tall barrier loomed over a muddy field. In the middle sat wooden huts and a bigger building sitting at the edge. Outside of the fence was a tall watch house. 

I knew from the first glance what this was. 

No, I knew from the smell. 

That was the first thing to hit me. The stench of sweet rotting flesh filled my senses, it felt as if it clung to everything, there was no way to escape it. The men around me screwed up their noses and flinched away from the foul scent, their attention finally captured. 

The chatter had died as soon as the camp came into view. From a glance around the bed I could tell a lot of the men were confused, unsure of what they were looking at. Just like Frank; they were unable to put into words exactly what they were seeing.       

Within the confines of the barrier stood people. Well, they didn’t look exactly like people. I could see, even from a distance, their bodies were unfed and unwashed. 

The trucks stopped, the men slowly disembarking. It was silent, as they all tried to understand what exactly they were looking at. 

I jumped out immediately walking closer to the barrier. There were two fences. A perimeter between the two, enough for people to walk in. A body lay between the two barriers, gaunt and lifeless. 

The men inside the gate all wore the same sets of clothes, blue striped pyjamas. I swallowed the lump in my throat, tears already brimming in my eyes. 

It was one thing to learn about in school, but another to see it in real life. It all but consumed me. 

Everyone else still had no idea what this really was. Eyes all filled with questions and horror. 

Winters slowly approached the gate. The men inside stood waiting. I wonder if they knew if we were good or bad, but they didn’t run. They gathered around looking back at us as we looked in on them. 

There were no women, no children, only men inside. But they didn’t look like it. They all appeared pale and lifeless, only skin and bone, barely moving. 

The men opened the gate as everyone gathered in front of the opening. 

“Major, sir?” Christenson questioned, asking if he should proceed in opening the next gate. The gate that would allow these people to be free of their confines, and allow us to enter their decimated prison. 

“Open it up.” Winters commanded. The men nodded their heads, cutting off the chain that secured the compound closed.   

“Stand back, back it up, back, back.” Christenson commanded the prisoners as he tried to swing open the gate. 

They stepped back revealing smoking huts and even more men, ones who didn’t seem strong enough to approach the barrier. 

I couldn’t hold back my tears as they slipped down my face. I looked from person to person I could see the torture they had endured etched into their features, but I’m sure that was only a second. Only a small glimpse into the years of horror they had to live through. 

How many people did they have to watch die, family, friends, peers. Wondering if they were next or secretly praying that someone would just end their pain.

I wonder how long they were kept in these cages like animals waiting for their slaughter? 

How could people be so cruel to their own kind? 

We moved forward slowly as a group, the prisoners watched us, they looked apprehensive for a moment before they all seemed to realise we were not the enemy. 

They moved forwards, hands reaching out grabbing at the soldiers who walked in. I felt the sleeves of my shirt being tugged glancing to the side to find the men holding tightly onto me. 

“I’m sorry.” Was all I could manage, they didn’t even understand what I was saying but I just wanted them to know how awful I felt. 

A man reached for me embracing me in his arms, I held him back. I could feel under the material of his clothes, his thin frame, I could feel every rib and bone as I hugged him. 

He sobbed into my shoulder whispering in German, I didn’t understand what exactly he was saying but it sounded like he was thanking us. 

“Liebgott, Liebgott!” Winters called from the front of the group. My heart stopped. Lieb, my best friend, my rock. He had no idea his own people were one of the main targets in Hitlers regime.

I watched Lipton move back through the crowd yelling Lieb’s name. Joe and Don stood guard just outside the gate, guns in hand. 

Lipton brought him back through the crowd. I couldn’t tear my eyes away, he glanced over to find my gaze. 

Joe tilted his head, without words he was asking me if I was alright. I weakly nodded my head still wrapping my arms around the German man who wept into my shoulder. 

There was no way I could stop Lieb from finding out, and it would break him. All I could do was be there for my friend. 

Lipton spurred the men into action, instructing the men to give these people rations, blankets, food and water anything we could spare. 

The man holding me stepped back collapsing to the floor, I glanced around looking for water. 

“Water, can I get some water over here!” I yelled, Babe moved quickly holding out a canteen for me to take. 

I unscrewed the lid, pouring water into the man’s mouth. He was exhausted, as if he was holding on to the last of his strength until help came. When he knew he was safe he finally let go. 

I moved from person to person, tending to their ailments. But most of them I couldn't do much for, it wasn’t like they were actively bleeding out like all the other injuries I had become adjusted to. They were sick and starving. 

The only thing I could do was offer food and water. But each time I lifted my head the numbers grew, the more that gathered, the more ill they looked.  

A man approached me holding another in his arms. The man in his arms looked so weak, nothing to him but skin and bone, so pale he was almost translucent. 

The prisoner holding the man spoke quickly in German, his eyes pleading with me to help. I held out my arms as he passed over the very ill man. 

I let out a gasp as he was placed in my arms, he weighed almost nothing, I could feel every piece of him under my fingertips. 

I knelt to the ground holding the German man in my lap, trying to figure out what I could do to help him.  

“How can I help you?” I muttered under my breath. 

“Sing bitte für mich.” The man that lay in my arms said. I tilted my head listening to his whispered words. 

“Lieb!” I called, he rushed over kneeling next to me. 

“Sing bitte für mich.” The man repeated himself. 

“He wants you to sing for him.” Lieb said softly. I nodded at the man, if that's what he wanted I would do anything. 

“You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are grey.” I sang quietly to the dying man, the song my mother used to sing as a lullaby to me. 

“You’ll never know, dear, how much I love you, please don’t take my sunshine away.” The man reached his hand up cupping my face as I sang for him. A tear slipped down my cheek. Lieb sat close and watched us. His own eyes glistened. 

“The other night, dear, as I lay sleeping, I dreamed I held you in my arms.” The man smiled at me, more tears falling down my cheeks as I held him in my arms. 

“When I awoke, dear, I was mistaken, so I hung my head and cried.” The man brushed away my tears, as his hand fell back down to his side. His breathing faded. 

“You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy, when skies are grey. You’ll never know, dear, how much I love you. Please don’t take my sunshine away.” A sob left me as the man stared up at the sky. 

I let go of his hand, resting it by his side. I moved from underneath him, lying him gently on the floor. 

Joe encased me in his arms as I sobbed into his chest. He pulled away, I looked up to find Don standing over us. He opened his arms for me, I stood from my position on the floor and moved into his embrace. His hand ran down my back as I cried. 

We pulled apart, Lieb had gone and gotten a blanket. He gave it to me to lay over the man. I bent down, closing his eyes to make him at peace and gently placed the blanket over his body. 

“I’m so sorry.” I whispered as I stood again. I wiped my tears away.  

Lieb was called away to translate, as Don and I moved around the camp, trying our best to help the men who came to us. 

We stuck close to each other not wanting to stray from the other’s side. 

I kept glancing over my shoulder to find Lieb with the officers and one of the German men. He was translating for them. I was just waiting for the bomb to be dropped, the truth to be revealed. 

“Everything ok?” Don asked, I shook my head. 

“What’s wrong?” He asked, coming closer. 

“Don, this camp. These aren’t prisoners of war.” I started, unsure of how I was going to explain this to him. His brows furrowed as he listened. 

“These people are innocent. They were dragged from their homes, away from their families. The only thing they have in common is that they are different.” There were so many groups here, but anyone who was ‘imperfect’ or ‘different’ was casted out. 

“What do you mean?” Don couldn’t understand that these people did nothing wrong. I’m sure his mind went to why would they lock these people up if they were innocent?

“Jews, Poles, Roma, musicians, people with disabilities, people of colour, this is who they have captured. And this isn’t the only one! There are thousands of these camps, some far worse than this. Don, Hilter wants a superior race, anyone who doesn’t fit that bill he’s exterminating.” Don couldn’t stop the horror in his eyes as he realised my words. 

“You’re saying there are more of these camps? That more people are in this condition?” Don asked, his eyes flicking around our surroundings imaging more of these exact situations. 

“They split up the families, women and children together and then the men together. These camps cover all of Germany and some other countries as well.” I explained the best I could to Don, who didn’t look like he was able to wrap his head around the information spilling from my lips. 

“Wait, how do you know this?” He asked his brows furrowed together as he glanced over at me. 

I bit my tongue, this wasn’t the time to expose my true self, all of this was too much in itself. 

“The nurses have been talking about it, I didn’t quite believe it till now.” I lied through my teeth, but Don didn’t notice, he was too wrapped up in the scene playing before us. 

“What are we going to do?” He asked, his sweet eyes full of sorrow as he looked over each person that walked in front of us.  

“I don’t know?” I answered honestly, as I stared off into the distance.   

I again glanced over to Lieb who was translating for the officers. Each man with their own look of horror and shock on their face. I bit my lip, waiting and watching. 

“Juden, Juden.” The prisoner they were talking to repeated. I didn’t need to be translated, I could see it clearly on Joe’s face what the man had said. 

“They’re Jews.” Lieb uttered, in his own disbelief and rage. Lieb was a loyal man. This camp, this attack, was on his own people, his family. 

“Lieb knows.” I told Don who was giving water to a man. I wanted to run over and hug him, but he was keeping his composure, still translating for the officers. So I turned my back and helped the men who gathered before me.  

The further we walked into the camp the more awful it became. The huts the men were living in were burned down to the foundations, burnt skeletons still resided in the ash and rubble. 

“Jesus Christ!” Don muttered covering his face with a piece of fabric, the smell was so strong it almost made it unbearable to breathe. 

“Look at their arms.” Don pointed out two men who lay still in the ruins. Numbers etched into the flesh on their wrists. 

“Like cattle.” Babe shook his head. We walked in silence through it all.  

We helped as much as we could, going into the huts and bringing people out. Each time I stepped inside, my heart clenched and cracked, it was tearing me up. 

The tears had stopped long ago, there was nothing more left to cry. I just needed to help, I think at some point I switched off, just to maintain some sanity, because before I knew it we were back in the beds of the trucks.

-----------------------------------

Chapter 28

[littencloud9]

Do you mind if I ask your top 10 favorite characters (can be male or female) from all of the media that you loved (can be anime/manga, books, movies or tv series)? And why do you love them? Sorry if you've answered this question before.....Thanks...

oh my god. an excuse to talk about my favs please never apologise for asking i love u. heres a list and also a song i assign them because i can LMFAO 🫶:

10. murashige yuzuki - skip and loafer

yuzuki means SO much to me. she is so so kind and has the biggest heart ever and is always looking out for the rest of the girls, and she’s so perceptive too. and the effort she puts into her art makes me sob. she’s the biggest supporter and i adore her friendship with the other girls 🥹💗

song: there she goes by sixpence none the richer. dw about it

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9. mai - avatar the last airbender

she is SO me. oldest sister core. i adore how much she cares in the show even though it’s always masked by indifference or harsh words. her betrayal scene was FANTASTIC and she is so skilled and powerful i love her. also love her design it’s very cute!!

song: are you satisfied? by marina. i feel i dont need to explain this one

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8. kyan reki - sk8 the infinity

holds him so gently. nothing bad should happen to him ever. he is the sweetest character and he is trying his damn BEST and his arc was incredibly done. super realistic. hurt my soul. him and miya are the most siblings to ever sibling. GIVE HIM PRAISE HE DESERVES THE WORLD

song: outdated by lyric. ps i LOVE lyric it’s my new obsession and her songs send me to heaven. highly recommend !! <3

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7. shi qingxuan - tian guan ci fu

the genderqueer icon. the silliest babygirl. they are the light of my life and i smile every time they come on screen. them and xie lian are the funniest duo ever. and i love how cheeky they are no matter the situation, and that they’re so smart!!

(honourable mention 1: lang qianqiu. he was here before sqx replaced him. his story shattered me into pieces and i hold him so dear to my heart)

song: girls and boys in school by neon trees. i am the biggest neon trees fan and i feel like the vibe fits. also any trashy 2000s pop song fits too. i think sqx would love kesha

-

6. yosano akiko - bungo stray dogs

YOSANO I LOVE YOU 💗💗💗💗💗 the moment her backstory hit i was utterly fucking DESTROYED. her fight with kajii and her speech about how valuable human life is (which you wouldnt expect because her ability can ‘reverse’ death) was amazing, and then you get to know WHY she thinks that way with her backstory. and the way she was forced to become a weapon but unlearned that with the help of the agency. oh god. im on my knees. asagiri give me more yosano screentime i beg 🔪

(honourable mention 2: akutagawa. i didnt want to spam this list with bsd characters but just know that he hurts my soul and destroys me mentally)

song: history of man by maisie peters. again i feel i dont need to explain this

-

5. mu qing - tian guan ci fu

he is SUCH a little fucking bitch (affectionate). admittedly hes here because hes pretty and sassy. genuinely my fav tgcf character and his attitude is funny. hes also dumb sometimes (with feng xin or xie lian) and i love how hes so embarrassed of affection. please give him more hugs i need to see this man blush. also hes in an 800 year old situationship and there is SO much to unpack there but it doesnt matter because i want to throw him in a blender NOW ‼️

song: best by gracie abrams. i was gonna put a sillier song but i think this fits him and his dumb situationship. get this guy to talk about his feelings

-

4. edogawa ranpo - bungo stray dogs

!!!!!! RANPO! hes so me. hes been my fav since season 1 and then untold origins got adapted and i was shaken. holy shit. hes just a boy. he just needs love. he flaunts his brain and power as a direct response to how much he was shamed for it as a child. HIM AND FUKUZAWA. HIM AND YOSANO. im gonna sob. he seems so cocky and arrogant and then u realise hes desperately trying to be the smartest in the room because he knows how much the agency relies on him. hes trying to protect everyone. hes holding the weight of the entire agency on his shoulders. im squishing him I LOVE RANPO

song: mastermind by taylor swift. it was either that or mirrorball. but i think the bridge fits him especially well <3

-

3. itadori yuuji - jujutsu kaisen

TOP 3!! ITADORI YUUJI THE MC THAT YOU ARE. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH 💞💞💞💞💞 hes pink and silly PLEASE take all his suffering away and give it to gege akutami. I LOVE HIM. he has undeniable willpower AND UNSHAKEABLE CHARACTER and he keeps getting up no matter how many times hes been beaten down. HE FIGHTS SO HARD FOR THE PEOPLE HE LOVES. he wants to save people. he blames himself so much for things that aren’t his fault and it makes me CRY holy shit. and the way he looks past appearances and sees people for who they are inside/their talents and positives. GREENEST FLAG. I LOVE YOU YUUJI. please please please give him back everyone he loves and give him a big hug. put him in a romance anime this jjk shit is NOT for him 😞

song: atlantis by seafret. it was that or not strong enough. both options hurt equally bad. I LOVE HIM ☹️

-

2. cheng xiaoshi - link clink

HNGHHSHDHDHHSSJDHSHHSHSSHSHDHSHSHDHHS. CHENG XIAOSHI I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. none of you get it (ps PLEASE watch link click i want more lc friends 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏). he is the best thing of this show and the show is fantastic so thats saying something. HES SO DUMB BUT SO KIND AND AN AMAZING FIGHTER and his backstory omg i need to give him a hug. i love how determined he always is to give people a better life, to change their past for the better, even though hes heavily warned not to do that. and that he is ALWAYS fighting for others. and how understanding he is. his relationship with both lu guang and qiao ling are so precious. he has this warm aura around him that draws the other characters to him u know?? i am the biggest cxs stand i will defend him with my life. i cant say much more with spoilers so ill end here but I FUCKING LOVE HIM PLEASE WATCH LINK CLICK DO IT FOR HIM 🫶🫶🫶🫶

song: waiting room by phoebe bridgers. he knows he cant change anything but god fucking DAMN it does he wish he can. sobs forever

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1. fushiguro megumi - jujutsu kaisen

MEGUMI!!!!! i feel like we saw this coming. ill never shut up about him. megumi i love you. ill defend him with my LIFE. he is the biggest lover at his core and he is so determined to protect those he loves. and his whole thing about never reaching his full potential because he doesn’t believe in his power… ough. and how he loves his friends so much but wont show it. he’ll be like ‘i do NOT care about human earthworm’ and then watch all four movies. he is my son. and yeah as a manga reader ive been suffering for so long but WE HAVE HOPE NOW! megumi nation in megumi we trust 🙏 I LOVE HIM. his sass is also really funny. i love him have i mentioned that. im not even articulate anymore my brain is just HDHFJSBDJDHJD when i think of him. he makes me miserable. his relationships with tsumiki, gojo, toji etc are all so depressing in their own way. HE DOESNT DESERVE ANY OF THAT SHIT BTW GEGE GIVE HIM BACK HIS HAPPINESS. also wait i love how smart he is during battle and how he is so observant, and how he explains jujutsu stuff to people like yuuji who are new to it. HAVE I MENTIONED HOW KIND HE IS. HGDNAJDHSJD. my silly pining gay boy. i am hugging him so gently and making him the warmest soup ever. sorry for the rant MEGUMI THE CHARACTER EVER 💗💗💗🫶🫶🫶💞💞💞🩵🩵🩵

song: the alcott by the national ft taylor swift. this is ESPECIALLY solidified by this edit here that changed my life. LIVE LAUGH LOVE MEGUMI 2k24

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wow this is a long post. thank you SO much for the ask sorry for how incoherent this is i love my favs 🤍

[i-never-forgot]

so, heres the long winded ramble i promised for the comic of yours that i absolutely adored, that being 'inexplicable dread', and i wanna point my attention towards the fourth page specifically (also im not sure if i was supposed to send this on asimplearchivist or here so im sending it here just in case...):

so, there is a LOT to unpack here, but i wanna start with my favorite part: the absolute dread that eliana felt after seeing dusknoir's true (yet hidden) colors and her just bolting out of spindas as soon as the vision ends. it's one thing to be unreasonably afraid or stingy around someone, almost the way she was when he first approached her and lu at the first page; but what do you do when the fear is *justified*? and thats where i wanna draw my next point:

denial.

it was hard to assume that dusknoir was truly capable of doing what he was about to do, and it would be even more frightening to see that act used against the two of them with such raw malice and intent; and it all falls apart when she is the only one to have seen it after her unreasonable fear of him cleared away, and he has shown to not be as bad as she had imagined. dusknoir has shown himself to be a humble man, even with his celebrity status, and for what he was and how he acknowledged how frightening his species and kind is, he did not hold it as a bitter grudge for eliana's fear of him. he was no cold hearted ruthless mercenary, he was a kind, great man. the great dusknoir, the explorer who could do no harm. and after he went out of his way to show truly great he was; oh, how much he truly cared, it was enough to get her to think that maybe the dimensional scream, in this particular case, was wrong. after all, if someone has truly showed you that they care about you, your interests, and have shown such urgent concern to your well-being that they went to save you from an impending death you were not aware of, would you really assume they are capable of hurting you? would you ever believe that their soft, gentle hands could harm, kill and tether? no. dusknoir has shown that he was far better than any spineless outlaw. he was kind. he was honest. he.. would never deceive anyone. he just wouldn't.

and that brings me to my final point: proving the point.

i think there is truly something fascinating about the great concern that dusknoir displayed in eliana's reaction after she fled from the scene, claiming and wondering who would want to hurt a brilliant lady such as her. and yet, he does not know that he will be the one to deliver that fear to her. and right now, he does not know that she saw him do something so heinous, so unforgivable that will forever change the way she views him in the life that will follow. he will play along and act like someone who has truly cared (he always did, and he still does), yet he does not know that his words will only serve as empty, cold noise that will soon suffocate her from the betrayal that will follow. his warmth and displays of affections will mellow her heart, unaware that those words will bind her heart in anger and rage. rage over what he does not know he will have to do. and sooner enough, the deed he will carry out will prove her previous fears right. little by little, he only played further and further into this game of pretend, unaware of the life-damning consequence that will follow when he shows her that trusting him was the biggest mistake eliana could have ever made. but all that can be heard now is worried tension and furrowed brows of concerns; as the killer is still alive, and he takes the shape of a gripper pokemon.

You're totally fine! I generally direct discussions about my PMD AU to this sideblog so I don't clog up my main for my non-PMD followers! :)

I agree with all of this. You are spot-on. Please let me ramble about them too oh my god I have so many feelings about this creatures

This particular Dimensional Scream is an unusual one for Eliana. Every single one she got before was a bit more vague (bits of conversation or brief glimpses, as we see in-game), but this one was startlingly clear: it was as if she experienced it exactly during the moment she received it. This is partially why she's so disoriented when she comes out of it - it was almost like an out-of-body experience, and she's still so on edge despite him managing to smooth over her nerves throughout that evening that it just kind of pushes her over the threshold of being able to ignore her flight instincts. (She doesn't even want to try to fight back, which is was confuses her further; she just has this inexplicable sense of helplessness around him that she can hardly overcome...at least until she has good reason to, later on, anyway.)

(I kind of headcanon that the Dimensional Screams kind of function like flashbulb memories to an extent; and to those of you unfamiliar with the term, since I learned it in my psychology class a few years ago, I'll explain. You remember all those memories that were seemingly seared into your brain because you had such strong emotional reactions to those events when they occurred? Whether it was humiliation, mortification, anger, grief, love, et cetera, they work like flashbulb memories because they actually do literally burn themselves into your memory due to the overwhelming stimulus.)

This is why it overall uncenters her so badly. She truly has no veritable proof that he's bad, save a bad gut feeling and an unusually vivid Scream, similar to how she felt about Drowzee (although there were no instincts involved with him since she had never met him before). He's well-known, has a reputation for the exact opposite demeanor of what she saw in the vision, and even goes out of his way to show her and Lu kindness. He's everything she feels like he shouldn't be, and she can't explain why. Lu asks her about her reactions that night once he gets back to their room in the Guild, and she decides to shove it all away for his sake since he seems so taken with Dusknoir. Surely she's wrong, even though she felt so convinced that Dusknoir was not what he appeared. Maybe she should just sit back and observe before she draws any conclusions, at the risk of upsetting Lu especially. Who was she compared to the rest of Treasure Town? What did her opinions matter? She is most definitely in denial.

She gives him the benefit of a doubt. She watches, and waits, and wonders. And she actually starts to like him. He's incredibly humble and wise and sincere in a way she's unaccustomed to. The other Pokemon of the town are genuine, of course, but there's just something about Dusknoir that seems so open - unguarded, almost. And if she didn't know any better, Eliana would almost say that he wanted to interact with her, simply for the sake of itself. He seemed to seek her out intentionally, asking her pointed questions that somehow worked past her boundaries to get her to talk more than she had with anyone (save Lu, perhaps) since she woke up on that beach. The other Guild members and townspeople are surprised to witness it in passing - to them Eliana was almost a shadow to Lu, only speaking when strictly necessary or once spoken to. She's reclusive, introverted, soft-spoken. And yet, inexplicably, Dusknoir's able to get her to speak up for herself, even makes her laugh. She smiles at him. It's different. They sure can't figure it out, but they'd be lying if they said they didn't have a betting pool that was making Duskull side-eye the lot of them.

Your final point is the biggest heartache in the whole matter, honestly. Dusknoir wonders who could have possibly hurt someone as intellectual and mature and sweet as Eliana, not realizing it was him the whole time. It will continue to be him for years to come. His hands had such an impact that her fear of him transcended the borderline blissful amnesia that caused her to forget his cruelty in the first place. Yet the perplexity of her myriad dichotomies, the puzzle she posed to his otherwise unflinching insight into people, caused himself to dig his own grave as well as hers. He just couldn't leave her alone. He wanted to know her, and he succeeds - and it's only when he realizes he's in too deep, that he can't back out, that he's made an irreparable mistake. It would've been easier to see her executed for crimes she doesn't even remember committing had he not known the warmth of her affections, the relief of her finally letting him in close enough to feel just how encapsulating her devotion is. He found an irrefutable equal in her, despite how odd of a pair they appear to be - the looming, intimidating 7'3" final-stage Gripper Pokemon (the literal embodiment of death, to some, especially humans) obeisant to the 1'0" first-stage Pokemon that half the town is still convinced is a child just based on appearances since she doesn't go out of her way to advertise her knowledge and age that often. He made the mistake of chasing the sun too closely, and he only realized he was too close once he knew that he would be irreparably burned from the actions he would take.

I don't know man. I could go on, and I've probably said half of this stuff before, but...this analysis really just got me in my feels. (Plus I've been listening to the playlist I made for this AU which just added fuel to the fire. *muffled wailing*)

[castlebyersafterdark]

there seems to be a lot of talk about will byers x vines lately. some people called it 'vine play' and while im all for the horror coming on strong for our boi narratively, this had undertones of people enjoying the vines sexually lol. i KNOW that UD-adjacent ephemera can be read as metaphorical of CSA and by extension people read sexual choking kinks into the story, but considering how some people reacted to vecna (total desire, no acknowledgement of his evil antics), sometimes i wonder if there are people translating literally every serious element of the show into something a bit sexy and im like... what's left to scare you with lol? if being choked to death with vines is hot then what exactly about the season is going to raise the stakes and make you feel the peril etc etc

or perhaps its simply that meme online culture removes lots of immersiveness in shows these days. my sister actively asked me to send her voldemort-style memes of vecna in order to make him seem less scary, i was like GIRL i was desperate for the opposite effect when the show dropped lol

So much to unpack with this. I think firstly, things can be scary and sexy at the same time. This to me has always been a lot of the fun in horror and how horror and stuff of that nature cans serve both as a way to tap into fear and tap into fantasies, which can sometimes be scary themselves. There's always a lot of chatter about the intersection of trauma and kink and that's for sure a part of it. Or, you also don't need trauma to have a kink. And more or, it doesn't even have to be a kink - some concepts are just interesting and maybe not much does scare you just going into a show like this but you enjoy it and you take away a different element.

I don't really see a problem viewing what's happening in the story/on screen both as a sense of high stakes fear for what's going on while also in the back of your head simultaneously thinking 'he looks good with something wrapped around his throat as he chokes and strains under the vines.' It can be both!! We can totally acknowledge that.

I like Stranger Things so much because it serves multipurpose fictional interests - horror movie vibes, complicated mysteries, themes of friendship, the nostalgia setting, and romance / a coming of age sexuality story. So much to love, ticks multiple boxes for me. So, I can watch a scene and fear for Will and think Henry is terrifying but also want to see him wrap those vines tighter and watch as Will struggles and cries and looks pretty while doing so. And when you engage in the parts of fandom where the dark elements are dived into, it's a safe place to explore those dark elements if you so have an interest in the intersection of sex and kink and trauma and taboo and fears and horror. Whatever ingredients you want to add to your fandom corner smoothie. All valid!

And there are always going to be people who just care about the villain (and yes Henry/Vecna is the villain, why deny that? Some do) and erase the bad elements. That's the nature of fandom. And also, there's a lot of people who just... don't take anything seriously. Either they're jaded and need to appear unaffected and aloof from the media they interact with or need things to be catered to their agenda. I have friends who are super cool and they want to be included in things and say they have no problem with horror movies but when my squad gets together to watch fucked up films they make a fuss, want the lights on, try to joke throughout it like girl, can you be quiet and sit there or skip out on movie night if it's not actually your thing? The point is to be scared or horrified, it's a horror movie. So sometimes when people want nothing to do with the creepier aspects of Stranger Things I'm like, why engage??? Just my opinion.

[cousticks]

what do you think of oda's last words to dazai?

was it good or nah?

Oda's last words to Dazai are a lot to unpack. Calling them good or bad is kind of a reduction, especially when so much of BSD is based around those shades of grey between.

Also anon I am so sorry, this answer ended up almost 1500 words. Buckle up I guess.

Before I answer this, lets put Oda into context a bit.

At 14, he was a highly regarded private assassin. One of the most skilled in Yokohama. He's got that vacant hopeless look to him that the tweens involved in death get in the BSD universe, and really only holds to retribution for betrayal and not much else other than just doing his job. I'm not sure off the top of my head when he met Natsume and decided he wanted to become an author, but somewhere in there he had a moral shift and was given a goal. I'm not sure when he really started collecting orphans, but I know he got... Sakura, I believe, during the Dragon's Head Conflict when he was about 21. This would also be not long after he met Dazai.

Oda... isn't perfect at all. I went on about it a bit in my last Oda post, but he really didn't make it to the light like he wanted to. He went from acclaimed assassin to mafia grunt that refuses to kill. Which... is a more lateral shift than he'd probably like. He's still supporting an undoubtedly corrupt and murderous organization, even if he himself isn't the one pulling the trigger, so to speak, anymore. Imperfect. He's a little better than some in the mafia, but is he, really? He's still, y'know, in the mafia. I could say something poetic about flowers blooming at night but I really don't even want to go that far. He's caring for some orphans, he's humoring Dazai, he's running some errands for the Mafia, point set. You could say he spends his time trying to keep some of the kids in the mafia alive and show them some kindness so they don't end up jaded in the way he did. We see this with Dazai, we kind of see it in the Dragon's Head Rush scene when he runs off with Akutagawa slung over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes. He's doing something, but he's not getting them out. I think he knows that's a decision the kids have to make on their own.

To reference Oda in Beast for a second, he sends Beast!Akutagawa to discourage one of the kids from joining a gang by being realistic with the kid. Akutagawa never directly tells him not to join, but he does tell the kid how fruitless it would be. The kid ultimately made the choice for himself to not go through with joining. Oda orchestrated that, too.

So... I said Oda isn't perfect. He isn't. But he knows that decisions mean more when its not somebody telling you to do it, but a conclusion you come to on your own once the reality of the situation is laid out. And in a way, that's what he does with Dazai. He understands Dazai's hopelessness. He was there, too, we saw it in Untold Stories with a 14 year old Oda.

So... Oda. Dying at 23. He's young. 23 is young. That's like, first real job out of Uni young. But he's been through the ringer and started trying to claw his way to the light. His death is tragic because he never quite made it.

Dazai. 18. Even younger, can barely be considered an adult. He's in the despair trenches now. He's already miserable. He hasn't started really clawing towards the light yet, not really. He's still convinced here that getting further into the "dark side" is what's going to help him find a reason to live. At this point, Oda knows that isn't quite true, he's a little further along in the journey, he found his light in the orphan kids, in spicy curry, he already figured out the light is pretty mundane.

But again. Oda never made it out of the dark. Here's an exchange from before his last words, when Dazai first runs into the hall.

"You're such an idiot, Odasaku. The biggest idiot I know." "Yeah." "You didn't have to do this. You didn't have to die." "I know."

Oda knows there could have been another way out, for this. He chose his death. He saw his lights were gone and he decided that he should go with them. Dazai and Oda are more similar than Oda is given credit for. In a way, in the final battle with Gide... he gave up.

So. His last words to Dazai.

"Listen." Odasaku wrapped his blood-soaked hand around Dazai's. "You told me if you put yourself in a world of violence and bloodshed, you might be able to find a reason to live..." "Yeah, I said that. I did. But what difference does that--?" "You won't find it," Odasaku said in almost a whisper. Dazai stared at him. "You should know that. Whether you're on the side that takes lives or the side that saves them, nothing beyond your own expectations will happen. Nothing in this world can fill the hole that is your loneliness. You will wander the darkness for eternity."

This is Oda setting up the reality for Dazai to make his own choice. Oda never really found the light. He's speaking more from his own point of view than what he really believes for Dazai. Dazai, especially during Dark Era, he doesn't really function off of hope. He has it, sure, though he'd never admit it, but that's not a guiding principle for him. But he is pretty feelings-driven for a "logical" character. He felt a little more alive back during that fight with Rimbaud, and decided yeah, he'll join the mafia, to try to recreate that. He doesn't recreate it, as we see in Stormbringer. So he starts messing around again. Whatever. Point being, Dazai is pretty emotion-seeking. He found a lot of those feelings around Oda, because Oda could understand his situation very well. There was an easy comradery in understanding. Oda is appealing to both Dazai's logic and his feelings here.

Also, sidenote, throwback to Dead Apple, and all of Shibusawa's ramblings about nobody ever defying <i>his</i> expectations, and Dazai responding with "you wouldn't be saying all this if you actually had friends." So Oda's words ended up false, later on, when Dazai made actual connections. But Oda didn't know that, he never made it that far.

"Be on the side that saves people," Odasaku replied. "If both sides are the same, then choose to become a good person. Save the weak, protect the orphaned. You might not see a great difference between right and wrong, but… saving others is something just a bit more wonderful." "How do you know?" "I know. Better than anyone else."

So, the last quote, Oda set up the reality. Here's where he lets Dazai make his own choice once he has all the information. Here's where he kind of contradicts himself. He never really says that it will fix Dazai, personally, to join the side of the light. But what Oda is saying is that the world itself would be a little better, possibly a world more suited to helping Dazai find his own light. A different world than the one Oda is leaving.

I've kind of said a lot, but I haven't really answered the original question. So my answer is Oda's words follow his pattern of offering a reality and letting someone make a choice based off it for themselves. He was giving Dazai the tools he needed to make his own decision. Oda was flawed, jaded, and dying at this moment. His words aren't perfect. But Dazai didn't want hope in that moment. That would have been too much for him, I think. There are people in this world that listen to happy songs when they're sad to cheer them up, and there are people that listen to sad songs when they're sad as its a form of catharsis to feel your own emotions resonated with. It helps make sense of them. Dazai is the second type, here. Despite being emotion-driven, he's not super emotionally aware. I think mixing those signals would have done more harm at this point. He didn't need hope, he didn't need told that the world is a magical fairytale place. He needed the catharsis of someone else seeing him, <i>understanding</i> him, and telling him to go be better anyway.

Yes, Oda's last words were kinda cruel, telling Dazai that nothing will ever help. The words of a dying man in grief can't be expected to be cheery. But I do think that if joining the light were presented in any other way it wouldn't have had the impact on Dazai that it did. I'm not saying his last words were great, but I'm saying they were right.

[kitkatwinchester]

WHAT THE F*CK?!

Oh my GOD there's so much to unpack.

I did that thing where I let it finish out again, and now I have a LOT to talk about, so let's just jump right in, shall we?

Order of events-ish, but mostly POVs.

SCIRAAAAA!! I CANNOT! I LOVE THEM SO MUCH!!

That whole flashback scene with the two of them laying in bed together. First of all, I LOVE what they did with the bookending of the "It's a good plan" line, because that was really well done and a perfect way to transition in and out of that flashback. Second of all, just their entire freaking conversation about how they haven't had time to go on a real date because, ya know, saving the world and all that, but just the wholesomeness of the fact that neither of them have seen a movie in forever and they both want to so bad...god I really hope they get that chance. <3

And then there's the beautiful little kiss and IMMENSE relief when she successfully brings him back (we were cutting that WAY too close, for the record..).

And THEN we get that beautiful ending scene between the two of them, where they're just casually holding hands and sitting there together, staring at each other and supporting each other and being there for each other and just being SO FREAKING CUTE. The fact that Scott is so quick to tell Kira to be with her mother (quick aside, I absolutely loved the small Melissa and Noshiko team-up, and I love that they stuck together and did their best to help and protect each other--we love our moms of the group <3). And THEN, the fact that Scott was able to put together the pieces about the Banshee, and Kira was able to see his train of thought, and they were both able to realize that their plan actually DID tell them something...

AHHHH!! I LOVE THEM!!! SCIRA ALL THE WAY!! <3 <3 <3

...admittedly, I'm also mildly terrified about where Scott's nightmare ended up right before Kira pulled him back, but I also know that Scott would never EVER hurt Liam. ...but I hate the implication of it nonetheless.

BUT SCIRA THOUGH!!! <3 <3

Anyways…

SPEAKING OF BANSHEES...

Well.

Now we know who Lydia got her powers from. And now....we have a new suspect.

The question is, if it is her....where is she, and why is she doing this in the first place?

Also, Natalie said "Meredith Walker" all knowingly and then didn't actually answer that question...she just started talking about Lydia's grandmother (on her dad's side, for the record, which...where is her dad in all this, exactly? We literally haven't seen that man since Season 1.).

And now we know the entire lake house is made of Mountain Ash (did her grandma do that, or did her dad do that? I guess it would've had to have been her grandma, unless her dad lied about locking his mom away in Eichen House in order to protect her secret...), but her mom obviously knows nothing (there goes that theory) and just thinks her grandmother was crazy, so really, we just have more questions than we do answers. However, if anyone can figure them out, it's Lydia Martin. <3

Speaking of figuring things out, Peter is 100% up to SOMETHING, because he obviously sent Kate to find out if Scott was dead, which is suspicious af (as a very quick aside, that moment between Kate and Chris was freaking BEAUTIFUL and I loved everything about it, and as many issues as I have with Kate, that sibling dynamic between her and Chris just SENDS me). He claims he's not The Benefactor, but he's also not on the list, and even though he said "Thank God" in response to Scott being alive...I don't know if I believe him.

Like, okay, the Banshee theory means he probably isn't the actual Benefactor, but I wouldn't be surprised if he was somehow in cahoots with it.

Although...his money was what was stolen, right? So that doesn't really make sense either. But...it also doesn't really make sense that his name isn't anywhere on the Deadpool, so...

Basically what I'm saying is that Peter, per his usual, is clearly manipulating this whole situation in SOME way, and no one should trust him under any circumstances.

Which brings me to Malia.

This girl, omg. I feel sooo bad for her, and the fact that she and her mom got into a fight right before the car crash makes everything a million times worse, and I wish there was something we could do to make that better.

However...I don't know if finding her mother is it, and I REALLY don't know if trusting Peter to help her is it, because Peter is Peter, and who KNOWS what other tricks he has up his sleeve.

What IS it, however, is Stiles (because Stiles is always it lol). I mean, how this boy is still functioning is beyond me, because the amount of things he shoulders and then pushes down is seriously bound to be fatal one of these days, but he does it. He has now watched his best friend practically die twice in the span of a few days, and his girlfriend stormed off and left him, and then all of a sudden, there she was in his room, broken and scared and guilty, and he handled it like a CHAMP.

I love the fact that he was giving her distance and giving her space, uncertain about where they stood, but then he couldn't resist stepping closer to her in his desperate attempt to convince her that she's so much better than she's making herself out to be. But even as he tries his best, Malia is too torn and upset and angry, and she walks out yet again.

But even in all of that, the fact that she came back, that she took the time to come to Stiles, to open up to him, to talk to him...it proves she still trusts him, still loves him, and still cares what he thinks, and even though she's upset and hurting and probably having a major identity crisis with an ever-growing guilt complex, she still came back, because she knows Stiles will be there for her. And that's exactly what he did.

I hope she finds answers, and I kind of also hope that maybe Stiles can help her find them. More than anything, I hope she can learn to forgive herself for what happened, and I REALLY hope Peter doesn't take advantage of her in the process.

Now of COURSE, since I talked about Stiles, and we're at the end of this post, you KNOW I have to over-analyze those itty-bitty Sciles moments. They're small, since Scott was, ya know, "dead" for most of this episode, but you know how I feel about a protective Stiles.

CAN WE JUST TALK ABOUT--

TWO PEOPLE tell Stiles to leave. MULTIPLE times. Chris tells him to run (supposedly so that he can hold her off and Stiles can be safe), and Kate tells him to get out of the way.

And EVERY TIME, Stiles just moves CLOSER to Scott. Chris tells him to leave, and instead, he shifts over, blocking Kate. And then when Kate tells him to leave, he shifts even more, giving that cursory glance to the place where his best friend's body is to make sure that he is truly 100% between her and him, and he DOESN'T MOVE. He stands there, and even though he's clearly scared (bonus points for the joke about the vending machine, AND bonus points for Chris being equally protective of Scott <3), he refuses to back down, because just like always, if you wanna get to Scott, you're gonna have to go through him first. And trust me, he's tougher than he looks.

And of course, you KNOW I have to point out the absolute RELIEF on Stiles's face when Scott does finally wake back up. The sigh, the hand up to his mouth, the turning away...that boy loves his best friend SO MUCH, and he was SO WORRIED, and he was SO RELIEVED when he did come out of it okay. In the heat of the moment, Stiles always puts up that front, and he always makes things seem okay for everyone else's benefit, but whenever Scott is in danger, he will ALWAYS be worried, no matter how hard he tries to hide it, and I love him for that. <3

SCILES ALL THE WAY!!! I HAVE MISSED YOU MY BELOVED!! <3 <3

Ahhhh. It's so good to be back to watching this show.

I probably won't be able to watch more today, but definitely Tuesday, and in general, I'm gonna try really hard to watch at LEAST an episode a day, but...probably more, because there's no way I finish in the next couple of weeks if that's the goal I set for myself lol.

ANYWAYS.

I couldn't find most of the gifs I wanted, but I DID get Scott and Kira, and I found a different Sciles gif, so we're tacking those both on here. XD <3

(I JUST LOVE BOTH OF THESE RELATIONSHIPS SO MUCH!! Scira will forever and always be my Scott OTP, and then Sciles will forever and always be my ultimate brOTP, because LOOK AT THEM!! <3 <3)

[eldragon-x]

how angry do you think stan would be if he found out if ford publicly joined bill (though we all know he’s backstabbing him late) in One of Us. like. all stan knows about bill is that he ended the world. and there ford is, JOINING HIM. that would really fuck him up, I think. definitely no shackatron now, because ford needs no saving. unless he attempts to backstab and bill is just like Fuck That and puts him in the same torture situation as canon. except Worse. but then this time everyone would be even less motivated to save him! it’s such a weird situation. and if/when ford gives bill the equation (since bill will inevitability ask for it. unless this is where ford backstabs him) does bill just WIN? i suppose so. how do the pines win from here, if they do at all? :(

Anon this ask has kept me up all morning since like 2 am thank you for giving me the kick to start thinking about oou au. anyway

Speaking from a canon perspective, I don't think there is an equation, but for this AU I'll say there is because if anything, Bill would want it immediately when Ford joins him. He has no reason to wait and the deal is get power and knowledge and everything in exchange for the equation.

Which means yeah, Weirdmageddon does just get global early on. Though I think Bill and Ford would stay behind in the Fearamid because Bill seemed to intend to stay behind when initially trying to send the Henchmaniacs out into the world and he'd probably choose to keep Ford around to sorta show him the ropes and just to spend time with the guy. I've already talked plenty about how I think Bill genuinely likes Ford, I can see him choosing to hang out just with him above the other Henchmaniacs. Also y'know, the fact that they're both pretty much the central characters in this AU but I want to justify that with in-universe reasoning too lmao.

How the Pines win from that point is a whole thing I have yet to unpack but like. Killing Bill does reverse Weirdmageddon and I am not dead set on making this a bad ending type thing necessarily (tho I have thought about putting together ideas for how a successful Weirdmageddon would play out 🤔 mostly in how it would affect Bill long-term).

ANYWAY TO THE ACTUAL QUESTION there might still be a Shacktron? Because even if Ford accepts Bill's deal as early as in the Penthouse scene instead of folding at some point during the torture, the tron was already being built about that same time and I doubt it's going to be noticeable from the town if Weirdmageddon is spreading outside of it. It's just now that when the Shacktron crashes Bill's party it's not gonna be to a scene of the Henchmaniacs cheering as Bill tortures Ford, but to a scene of Bill happily chatting to Ford about how they're gonna rule the universe and stuff.

And about Stan, this absolutely depends on how much he knows about Bill because if we assume all he knows is based on Weirdmageddon happening like the show probably wants us to, yeah there's absolutely going to be resentment, depending on how obvious it is that Ford's hiding a knife behind his back.

But if we assume that Stan saw Ford's private study and saw some of the Journal 3 pages about Bill, despite Ford assuming Stan doesn't know about the study and the show never touching on Stan having looked through the third Journal beyond the portal plans, I think there will be some concern and confusion seeping in. Was Ford being tricked by Bill again? Would Ford get tricked by Bill again??

[anulithots]

Surprise! Land of the Fallen Fairies questions to fill your October morning! 🍂

What's been the most difficult part of writing Anuli & Kamari's story? If there was anything you could change about the writing process, if at all, what might that be?

Do you think you would ever consider giving Anuli a redemption arc? Just because you're an antagonist doesn't mean you can't change!

Who's your silliest character?

Favorite Kamari line?

If you could add a new houseplant to the lineup, one that you haven't considered before, which plant would it be?

What do you think your characters would look like as humans?

Okay that's it, bye!!!

OHMIGOSH thank you so much for the asks!!

All the hearts <3 <3 <3 <3

1. Most difficult part of writing for Anuli and Kamari, if I would change anything about the writing process

I think the most difficult part for Anuli was making faer... sound like Anuli. My greatest goal as a writer was to have deep POV, with the writing style, the actions, beliefs and thoughts, I wanted it to feel like them. I didn't care about the plot or the worldbuilding as much as I did about these two little beans getting their unique voices heard. (so developing a different writing style for each)

For Anuli, faer prose is long and winding, lots of metaphors and parallelism causing faer thoughts to pool into each other, with very little description of what is going on around faer. (Think those tumblr posts about a certain phenomenon... or shower thoughts.)

Also having Anuli's actions make sense with faer internal conflict, knowing how Anuli would act based on faer goals and fears was so difficult when they are supposed to be simple answers.

For Anuli's want, fae is going to try to mimic being home as much as possible. This also included the 'I CAN FIX ME' sort of behavior

For faer fear, it's a lot of disclaimers and putting faerself down and putting 'dampeners' on faer typical habits. And the 'I CAN"T BE FIXED SO I'LL ACT LIKE MYSELF TIMES A MILLION TO MAKE YOU SCARED OF ME" behavior. Both are faer trying to change faerself in some way so that way bad things won't happen. (The 'avoid repeats of the past' and 'chase the happy ending' thing that are always dueling in Anuli's thots.)

For Kamari, it's a lot more.... poetic? I wanted potent words and melodious prose, something that feels like a description of the wonders of the world. In essence, more traditional to how a book is written, compared to Anuli being primarily different thought trains on different subjects. (I make a new page for each new thought process Anuli has, and I try to make in flow in events.)

So hopefully they mirror each other.

If I were to change anything?

I use this change now, but I would write a piece of free prose to get comfortable with writing the character before writing any important scenes. It would've saved me a lot of strife if I knew how to write like Anuli before sending faer into trauma town.

2. An Anuli redemption arc.

(for some reason the picture is upside down????)

Yes.

And no.

My exploration of the 'wonders that flavor this weird thing called existence' that I wish to metaphysically explore via PROSE...

is that there (a) isn't a happy ending and (b) you don't have to have a linear character arc to deserve 'happiness' (or just not feeling bad)

I'm going to ramble and unpack this:

So Anuli left faer 'whimsical childhood happiness' because of a mistake fae's made. And that mistake has sat with faer, getting worse and worse and characterizing who fae is and fae can't really escape it.

Fae is a villain. If fae pretends to not be a villain, if fae let's faer guard down, there will be awful feelings and others who feel betrayed and the overwhelming feeling of 'everything I do will betray them in some way and I can never be myself around anyone because they will hate me and regret giving me any love because I have wasted all of it.'

That is faer fear.

Faer want - to go home and tell stories about sunflowers with Kamari and dance in the rain with Kamari and make theories about the wanderers nest with Kamari and live faer entire life at home with Kamari... just... life before fae made faer mistake, before fae broke the tether.

And this. This 'I want to return to the happiness I felt when I was little' is the sort of thing that can get you addicted to trying to fix... yourself in Anuli's case.

If Anuli had a character arc, if fae were to have that linear growth and be a better being who isn't a fallen fairy and has no chance of hurting them or returning poison when they gave faer flowers, then fae could have that happy ending. Anuli faerself is what keeps faer from faer happy ending.

And this is the sort of belief I had when I was... around 13-ish/14-ish.

And it was both wonderous and absolutely horrific.

Because what if you don't do it right? What if you regress? What if you should be happy because they are all happy and they want you to be happy but YOU CAN'T be happy yet, you haven't fixed yourself?

Make plans upon plans upon plans. Don't mess up. You can't get worse. I thought I was getting better. Follow the plan to a T. Agonize over finding the right plan, go on day-long searches looking for that 'one special mcGuffin' that will fix everything wrong with me. BE CONSISTENT. WHY CAN'T YOU DO ANYTHING FOR MORE THAN A DAY WITHOUT GETTING EXHAUSTED?!

Also happiness is overrated.

It's just a feeling. Who's to say that feeling numb can't be a 'I am wonderous right now' sort of feeling? Who's to say that feelings matter that much? That I (someone who has a difficult time understanding and categorizing and dealing with their feelings) should agonize over this abstract world I don't know and try to be happy all the time... when the very attempt at being happy all the time is extremely draining. Even a natural happiness will begin to feel strained and sticky if I try to cling to it for longer than it wants to stay.

It's chasing happiness, this abstract feeling that doesn't need to be the benchmark for if you are living a good life, that has you living five years in the future, imagining some fairytale that makes now feel so bland and stark in comparison.

In story terms - you're supposed to enjoy the story, where even the pain has a sort of 'this is a new interesting experience' sort of softness to it. It's okay. Life as it is, is okay. It will cycle and change and regress and grow and that's... wonderous actually.

Not that I'm against change! I just think - for me at least - it's better to let nature grow and change as it will instead of trying to cultivate it and pull out all the weeds that need to be there and want to be there.

Like the Moon! It's the epitome of change. And yet it doesn't keep getting brighter and brighter, it cycles.

So Anuli will feel better about faerself and in general 'spiral upward' but it won't be a redemption arc per se per se.

3. Silliest character?

They are all a little silly? I think? Anuli is overdramatic and has an overall 'dark comedy theater kid' vibe? I think? I'm not good with vibes?

(Also fae makes some references to other shows and media and I don't think anyone has noticed yet? I may make it more obvious.)

Hmmm...

Maidoe? I'm not even sure if fae is still cannon, but fae is a rubber tree that was originally supposed to be the 'competent younger sibling' for Anuli. I still like the idea of a 'really good at navigating and telling the future because STARS' while being really sarcastic with a strong sense of justice sort of character. I may use faer later depending on where Anuli ends up after @imjusthereforeternity

If I include all my characters and not just the ones from the Land of the Fallen Fairies (although the land of the fallen fairies is lightyears more developed than the 'just ideas' for the other stories...)

Probably Teddo.

They are a teddy bear that houses the memories of a dead soul and they fight nightmares because the host has a lot of nightmares.

It's how I learn statistics and quantum mechanics... so it's not that developed because I procrastinate with LotFF.

But yes!

Teddo. Silly and over-the-top and very sarcastic.

4. Favorite Kamari line

... I have a whole scene.

(this post is so looonggg./pos. Thank you for the asks I can INFODUMP)

(I handwrite everything so whenever I post a snippet I have to type it all again so it takes awhile. especially for @imjusthereforeternity because I always write things out by hand before posting as Anuli.)

Oh! And Kamari line as in things fae has said:

"Can you PLEASE for the love of fates stop being so nice to monsters-"

Kamari - "Like you?"

Ankh blinked. "Actually never mind, go back to being Kamari."

---

Kamari has snapped a few times, but fae tries to apologize after. It's rare, only when fae is really upset.

But Anuli remembers.

5. Another houseplant that I haven't considered.

oooohhh. So I have around... I want to say 15-ish houseplants? I usually consider the trees moreso because I have more developed for dryads than pollywiggins.

Anywho, I was considering a money tree before. Since they are five trees that grow so close together that they act as one, I imagine there would be one dryad for the five trees and they would be plural.

Also on the list of trees that I have considered before but aren't cannon now: Mediterranean cypresses (immune to fire and symbolize life/death). Redwoods. (big and wonderous.) Pando (super-big organism that looks like indibe a lavidual trees)

As far as houseplants I haven't considered....

Perhaps a snake plant or a pineapple plant? I have a pineapple plant in my room that's named poke, and that would be fun.

And snake plants do the whole 'plant-filter-y' thing 24/7, so it would be fun to write a character that pretty much never sleeps so they have never missed a moment.

6. Characters as humans.

Oh! I did a picrew/ human AU for this. Kamari was a... we're going to say doctor??? Because in cannon fae has often had to deal with faer own cuts and bruises. Although in cannon fae is also the 'highest ambassador' and has to talk with others for 'negotiations' in other territories? So maybe a lawyer?

Let's do a poll

Human Kamari wanted to be a musician but alas, the more 'respectable jobs'.

Human Anuli would be that theater nerd that would've won the library competitions for 'most books read'... if fae had the confidence to talk to the librarian. Fae is always reading or talking to Kamari about the books fae has read, and is extremely quiet because people at school aren't that nice to the one that gets bored if you aren't talking about stories fae likes and talks too loud and walks too slow and never has the confidence to talk to anyone.

(I'm tired of the whole 'socially isolated homeschooler' because that is not an accurate stereotype and listen... I socially isolated myself at school just fine.)

Kamari & Anuli:

Also also! Kamari does need glasses in cannon. Fae is nearsighted but alas... no glasses when dryads can't make glass.

Also - looking for anyone who is nearsighted and would like to help me out with Kamari not being able to have glasses.

Kamari also has heterochromia, one of faer eyes is green and the other is brown. (We be edgy like that)

Kamari also typically has roots/hair covering half faer face.. since that is how our Magnolia grows - it's right against our house so I don't think the roots would have space to grow in that direction.

SO KAMARI IS EDGY SQUARED.

(in the land of the fallen fairies, green is the most common eye color and is not that remarkable since green is everywhere. Red, Brown, and Yellow are the more rare colors.)

Oh! And in the human AU, I imagine the whole college thing is too scary for Anuli, so fae runs away to the library (as you do) and makes a bunch of reddit and tumblr accounts and ends up becoming friends with the book clubs that come there, so mainly all the elderly people and toddlers.

... Someone write this for me.

...

...

I think that's everything!

Thank you so so much for the asks and all the questions <3 <3

[llycaons]

ep 34 (2/2): hey guys? I think jiang cheng might be stupid

well, this isn't boring anymore I suppose

this is bizzare - jc implying that lwj had some kind of shady connections to bring wwx back?

and wwx defending lwj, as he does

this performance from xz is SO good. the little hitch in his breath as he admits this - he's clearly close to tears

the kicker is. the kicker is I know why jc thinks the way he does even though I know he's wrong and his perceptions are skewed. and he does have sincere grievances with wwx here. because that WAS a shitty thing that wwx said, even if he didn't know how jl was. like you'd think an orphan would know better than to mock another (teenage) orphan but he can be such a dick sometimes

yeah this is something that it makes sense to be upset about too. though again given that wwx literally killed himself I think he knows

the plaintive streak in his line here reminds me so much of my younger brother. he almost sounds like a child, and he doesn't really have anything to defend himself.

yeah despite everything I've said about misconceptions of their relationship and how bad things really were back then for them, this little scene captures a lot of what's compelling and painful about their dynamic, and what pushes people to rewrite jc into someone already worthy of having a relationship with even in the midst of one of the worst things he ever does to wwx. worse than the attempted strangulation, I'd say. maybe on par with telling him to go die when he was already suicidal. up near attacking him as he was leaving LP for no other reason than he wanted to see him hurt. GOD this guy sucks

actually I can see this from his pov as well. like OBVIOUSLY he still hates wen ning, who murdered jzx and doomed their sister.

you know it's fully insane that fans make jc look for wwx for all those years because he genuinely misses him and wants him to be okay because this makes it so abundantly clear that he literally wants them both dead

good question, wwx! unfortunately we won't have time to unpack all that

jl was listening at the door, so he knew that jc wants to find wen ning and sends him out with that excuse. it's actually really funny how easy jc is to manipulate. that is not a very smart man

god I love jin ling. he has such a mouth on him. who else can disrespect jc like this? he's so funny

people will read that top line like "uwu I wanted my brother back 🥺' and maybe that's a part of it but jc literally says in the next sentence he would have murdered wwx so idk what he thought wwx was going to realistically do. I mean he literally already died, he wasn't going to offer himself up AGAIN. jc. be practical.

tho I do think a little part is that jc wanted to be trusted. even if he would have betrayed that. he's a complicated dude. people don't always make logical sense. and he always hated being out of the loop

but yeah jc is a deeply punitive person who wants to hurt people until he personally feels mollified, or to kill them. and this just isn't very condusive to like, lifelong stability or happiness. I'm the first to say nobody is obligated to forgive, but he raised jl to be so angry and focus so much on the negatives instead of focusing on jl as a person, his strengths and goals and hobbies. and that's destructive to jl I think, it's corrosive for a child to grow up with that burden and that pressure on him. and as soon as jl runs into an adult who supports him and uplifts him, he blooms

jc fans saying 'what do you MEAN jc doesn;t trust wwx. look how he left him with his nephew! if that isn't brotherly love (TM) I don't know what is!' are so funny because jiang cheng is actually just stupid. he's just dumb and he thinks this will work

jl being mean to wwx is fine because wwx started it, wwx is thirty years old, and it's funny. it's everything people like in the jc and wwx dynamic, adjusted for their ages, but without all the baggage of literal murder and torture. wwx did jl wrong, but he apologizes for his words, looks after and teaches and protects jl, and jl reluctantly loves him and protects him in turn. it's a really special relationship that deserves more than an afterthought in postcanon works

oh mister toxic masculinity is back

SO TRUE JIN LING. real men DON'T concern themselves with people who shame them for being feminine. come on wwx you're going to literally have gay sex you have to get over this

I love when he pulls out his 'wise mentor' voice. it's I'm sorry and thank you time!!!!!

oof. sobering words from someone who has suffered

AND HE APOLOGIZES!!!! he apologizes to jin ling!! it's a great step in their relationship and it's so gratifying to see. I said at one point that wwx isn't very apologetic, but this (and to jyl a few times, and to lwj) are the exceptions

personal highlights:

well the streets are pretty

lwj needing that extra push from wwx is like one of the only pieces of evidence he gives a shit about him in the episode

jl manipulating jc, mouthing off to him, and then letting wwx go is an enthralling series of events

wwx saying the im sorry and thank you line!! and apologizing to jl!!

[1d1195]

I SUCK at remembering passwords😭 and I seriously don’t remember why I even logged out in the first place lol

Honestly would 100% recommend bluey lol oddly enough I have a friend who genuinely enjoys paw patrol and I love that for him lol NOW THOSE LYRICS ARE A LITTLE TOO REAL😭 I’ve never imagined myself getting married or being a wife and as I was younger I was slightly more open to the idea but now I genuinely don’t care or even want ya know?? Idk I guess I have a fear I’ll end up like my parents HAHAH and I think it’s because people mainly from what I’ve seen like the ���idea” of marriage but idk girl it’s a lot to unpack lol But I did love watching say yes to the dress growing up lol

ALSO Sam, fuck people honestly! It’s annoying to hear but the correct time will come for you to live out your dream wedding experience!

The TA lecture…. Tell me why I kinda got my image of him shattered 😭the experience was not making sense in my fantasy😭 the topic was alright like in theory it was interesting but I guess he was sort of giving “know it all vibes” during the lecture and while he was answering questions??? Which is CRAZY to me because during his office hours/other interactions I’ve had with him he’s not like that?! And my friends said the same thing too?? Idk maybe he was nervous which is understandable! Idk 😭(I know TA Harry would never😭)

Anyways HOW WAS YOUR TRAHSY BOOK?! DID IT GIVE?!

Also LOVED THE DRYER SHEET UPDATE!!! I had missed them! I LOVED READING IT! Now NIALL PUNCHING HARRY?!? the way I GASPED AND SAY “NIALL” out loud?! CRAZY?! but kinda loved it 🤭 and the cuddling scene was just so adorable like omg 😭 I love the dryer sheets couple so much! You did such a good job as always!

Hope your break went well and that your week has started off well!! Sending all the love!!-💜

Sometimes I just be doing stuff and log out for no reason. I get it 🤣

I have wanted nothing more than to be married and have kids and a family but now that I'm pushing 30 I'm still in a very happy committed relationship. Idk maybe this is it for me. It's not bad. Like I said, it's just everyone else being judgmental af lol Please unpack any time I would love to hear it. My parents love language is arguing. There's no other reason. They're so much work. I don't want to end up like that.

RIP YOUR TA I'M DEVASTATED. I hope he was nervous. that's so tragic! TA Harry WOULD never. TA Harry would tell the whole class he was nervous before starting the lecture.

My trashy romance was so good. It was 👌 Enemies to lovers 😍 It was three novellas in one book and the girls in it were STEM ladies and super important in their fields. They were dumb in love but brilliant. It was magical. Very Miss Wildflower of them if I do say so myself.

I know I mentioned my love/hate relationship with Love and Dryer Sheets. I had been picturing Niall punching Harry (someone had to do it) I also rewatched New Girl like a month ago and there was an episode where the two girls get in a verbal disagreement and the boys are like "just punch each other; it solves things faster" and I thought it was so funny 🤣 Niall's just a baby though, he'd never do that in real life hehehehe I think someone suggested they wanted check-ins of them just being in love doing laundry and being normal which makes sense since they were striving to be a boring couple that love laundry and all their drama was centered around getting together. So now they're just going to do laundry which is great.

Hope you're having a good week, I'm excited to hear what you think about tomorrow's update! :)

xoxo

[rachaelreadsposts]

Review: Hunger Games Series

Per the release of the Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes movie adaptation, I thought it was time for me to revisit the Hunger Games series. I was OBSESSED with the movie in middle school and had all of the books... but I never read them all the way through. I dug through my basement and found all 3 of my original books! I also purchased the new book and read in May!

THERE WILL BE SPOILERS IN THIS!!

Hunger Games (★ ★ ★ ★)

I gave the first book 4 stars. Personally, the part I love about the Hunger Games story is the games. Yes, the story and character build is so important but I was ready to see Katniss kick ass in the arena. It also doesn't help that I already know the plot and wanted to skip to the exciting part. However, what prevented me from doing that is the details that aren't mentioned in the movie. For example, the Avox that cares for Katniss at the Capitol is someone she knows. She remembers the Avox as a runaway in the woods she hunts in with Gale. The girl was caught and taken away by a Capitol plane. This would have been so interesting to see in the movie!

This book really got me to fall in love with Peeta. I am Team Peeta forever. WE SUPPORT GALE SLANDER ON THIS BLOG. He cares about Katniss from the get-go and how Collins writes his character just makes you root for him. In his iconic pre-arena speech about not wanting the Capitol to change him, you really feel those words in a different way when you read them; especially if you know what happens to Peeta in Mockingjay.

Gale... a whiny man who needs to leave. I understand that he's her best friend or whatever, but bro is so whiny. Like move on. Don't worry we'll do some more slandering later.

The games in this book are written so well in this book. Although you have the movie to help you visualize what's happening, you get such great detail from Collins. The death scenes, the tracker jacker attack and Cato's death at the end, are so detailed and you don't really get that in the movies. (because then it wouldn't be PG-13 it would have to be R lmao).

Overall, good start to the series!

Catching Fire (★ ★ ★ ★ ★)

FIVE OUT OF FIVE STARS. This is my favorite book in the whole series and my favorite movie out of the 4. You really get to see how calus President Snow is in this one. He hates Katniss so much for defying the Capitol that he wants to send her and the other surviving victors from previous games into the Quarter Quell. Snow wants Katniss dead but he can't just execute her on the spot because now she is a victor and the people love her. Collins knows how to keep you on your toes in this book.

The book previous to the games is a bit slow but there's so much to unpack. From Katniss and Peeta's victory tour, Gale's whipping, and Snow's party. The victory tour in the book is just as heartbreaking in the book as it is in the movie. The districts can't even support Katniss and Peeta without looking like they're part of the rebellion. You can really feel the Capitol's reins get tighter on the districts in the beginning of this book.

Although bringing previous victors into the Quarter Quell sucks for them, it is such a good plot line!! Getting to meet characters that have been in the games besides Haymitch is just so exciting! Johana <3 and Finnick <3333. Johana is an icon and I love how her character is written in this book. She is such a badass and even though she'd probably kill me, I want to be her friend so bad. FINNICK, my dearest, my love, my darling. Finnick is my absolute favorite character in this entire series. He's so charming and every time he spoke he had me giggling and kicking my feet. You get his backstory in this book too which is so interesting and makes you want to know more.

The arena of these games will always be my favorite. I remember my jaw dropping when they revealed it was like a clock. GENIUS. Collins deserves a medal or something because it was so unexpected. These games are a bit more intense, we get Peeta almost dying, an alliance between Katniss, Peeta, Finnick, Mags (RIP), Johana, Beete, and Wiress (RIP), gruesome deaths of other tributes, and big masterplan from Beete to win the games.

The ending of this book makes you want to pick up Mockingjay IMMEDIATELY.

Mockingjay (★ ★ ★ ★)

This book surprised me. I've seen the movies and I knew what happened but I was still surprised by how dark this one is. Of course it picks up right at the end of Catching Fire when Gale tells Katniss that district 12 has been bombed and no longer exists. It begins in the thought to be extinct district 13 where the rebellion has been hiding and have been planning to take over the capitol since the war ended. We find out that Heavensbee was actually working for the rebellion from the start. We also meet some new characters such as President Coin, Boggs, Pollux, Castor, and Messalla.

While this book ripped my heart out and made me rethink the entire franchise, it was still enjoyable. It kept me on my toes and always wanting to turn the next page. I remember that I finished the last half of the book in one sitting. The last half is so much to digest but you really get how fucked up Panem was. The bombing of the children at the Snow's mansion actually messed me up so much. And to find out it was Coin who did it??? Girl deserved the arrow to the heart.

I do have to discuss one thing from this book, a critique if you will. WHY WAS FINNICK'S DEATH ONLY TWO PARAGRAPHS??? I had to close the book for a minute and come back to it. I was so upset for the love of my life. I know Suzanne Collins has said that she regrets killing off Finnick, as she should. He was the older brother that Katniss needed and the best friend that Peeta needed. Annie and him just got married too??? Like give me a break dude.

Anyways... I feel that this book gives a great end to the Katniss Mockingjay era and I feel satisfied with it. (besides Finnick dying).

I also feel that the movies were a good adaptation of this book, I can completely see why they did 2 movies.

The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes (★ ★ ★ ★)

I gave this book 4 stars. Since I read all of the other books and this one for the first time around the same time, I feel that I had a better sense of Suzanne's writing. Since this book was released 10 years after Mockingjay, I was nervous to see if anything would change in her writing or the current lore we knew going into it. However, I feel that this was the hunger games book that I was expecting; it was similar to the others and I enjoyed it.

Like Mockingjay, this book was a lot to digest. I appreciate that this was split into parts since this was a pretty long timeline. I couldn't believe how dark this book was. I know this was close to the start of the hunger games but god damn I was not expecting someone's body to be hanging in the arena. I was shocked.

I think the thing that makes this book so interesting is getting Snow's perspective and seeing how fast he changes throughout the book. At the beginning of the book, you think he's a decent guy and couldn't possibly be the same Snow we see later in the series. Oh but girl... Suzanne shuts that thought down FAST. It is clear that Snow only cares for himself and wants to come out on top...

In my opinion, reading the book before the movie is always a good idea. I went into this new movie knowing what happens and knowing Snow's thoughts from the book adds another layer to it. I saw a tiktok where it was someone voicing over Snow's inner thoughts when Lucy asked him about the three people he killed. So good omg.

Final Thoughts

This is one of my favorite book franchises. It's so fucked up and Suzanne should be evaluated for writing this but god I can't get enough of it. I want more!!! I'm dying to know about the past victors games, the maps of the past arenas, etc.

Here's the order of the books by most to least favorite.

Catching Fire

Mockingjay

The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes

Hunger Games

Here's the order of the movies by most to least favorite.

Catching Fire

The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes

Hunger Games

Mockingjay Part Two

Mockingjay Part One

I'd love to hear you guys' thoughts!! Please let me know what you think and what your favorite book is!

[animalcrackersinmyhead]

3.31.23

I grab onto the mundane and hold it like I coddle my mouse for my keyboard. Perhaps it is by the mundane that I interface with the human processor I’ve been given. Maybe I find a will to live hidden underneath the piece of mail from a credit card company that sits on my table because my trash is too full to fit anything inside. Maybe It is hiding behind the string of colored paper lanterns folded into a small box that sits on my kitchen countertop unpacked. Or is it twisted in the orange tank top that fell behind my green couch that I’ve been too lazy to grab.

I can hope. I can hope something as insignificant as a clean floor could clean my thoughts up for a while longer.

My plants are dying. I feel remorse and shame. I keep replaying that scene in you’ve got mail where Kathleen Kelly writes an email to NY152 talking about how it felt her mother had died all over when her shop closed. Watching my plants die in slow motion because I have stared at them so much lately that I think I am starting to observe the dying process. It’s gradual then suddenly it’s there and doesn’t feel gradual at all. I find myself staring at their wilted green remnants flopped from their stems. It’s like they are acting out the word “sorry” and seeing if I will bite. I bite I bite. I watered them two days ago. I keep telling myself that maybe that one watering will be enough for them to last forever. Silly.

 I’ve been flirting with more thoughts of dying.  It’s like sliced summer sausage on ritz crackers. It entices me like a dirty spoon. I’ve been allowing more thoughts in just to see, What am I really made of? What do I really want? Do I want to die? Really, do I?

Today I called a woman and unbeknownst to me, she had just tried to kill herself. She said she swallowed two pieces of glass but then it hurt so bad she had to call the ambulance. She was waiting for them to arrive and she followed the wave of panicked, hysterical, crying, then silence, then quick talking and brief laughter where I even forgot there was glass somewhere in her anatomy.  It seemed to come in waves. Struck by the timing of the event I found an ease in navigating the situation because of my curiosity towards this woman and event in time and because I sorta envied her. Except waiting for the ambulance part- now that part I don’t envy. I was curious, really curious what the sensation of glass tearing her throat apart felt like. We ended up talking about her love of makeup, hair, and fashion instead. Ten minutes later we said our goodbyes and I told her I am sending positive thoughts that I hope materialize themselves into matter and improve her life in some cosmic way this weekend. I wonder where she is at while I write this. Maybe lying in a hospital bed with the sound of a tv playing in the background as she struggles to sleep, Maybe she died. I plan to call her Monday but so curious what she is up to. Carolan, what an odd way to spell a name. What an odd way to choose to die. What an odd human. I liked her. I liked that she swallowed glass. Can I say that? Sure! But really, why glass? Did she read about it somewhere? Was it some poetic symbolism like to reflect her fragility? I wonder.

Earlier I went to the kitchen and grabbed a fortune cookie and whispered to it that whatever the fortune is will be if I kill myself or not. The fortune said I would be sitting on top of the world. I laughed.

I met with a therapist yesterday. Interesting. I enjoyed it and was surprised by that. So I said fuck it and purchased 6 sessions. Many things I need to work through. She looks, sounds, acts JUST like Madison which makes me feel safe. Madison is a human that allows me to stretch out my limbs and not pretend to be a modern day sapien. If mindfulness ever wanted to take human form it would be Madison. She’s been my anchor throughout these years. I’ve seen her in her trenches and triumphs. All of this to say, I feel comfortable with this therapist. We laughed a lot. She is a delightful creature.

Earlier today I saw a former coworker from my last job. Last time I saw her, I was sitting across from her in my office giving her a performance review. I saw areas of improvement but she was only 5 ish months in and I was delighted by her progress. Then, my supervisors canned her the next day without any justifiable reason and without seeking my opinion. I am still outraged about that to this day. She was the only black person there and I can’t help if racism I others led to that decision because as someone who was actively checking her work and evaluating it, I saw a hardworking woman that maybe was slower to learn things initially, once she grasped them, she was diligent in her execution… then the next day, without a justifiable reason, they let her go. So here she was in front of me at my new work place. We both lit up and yelped when we saw each other. I was able to speak my opinion on it and she seemed like her shoulder knocked off rocks of weight from their caps when she realized she had done a great job and that I felt no reason to fire her. Genuinely. I don’t get it. Another woman who was white and didn’t work and had little to no computer productivity stayed a year longer, others years. Anyways, she found a better place to work at and that made me very hapy for her. I was so thrilled to see her.

Earlier in the day, I spoke to a man crying on the phone who had just left the hospital for a suicide attempt and was recounting to me how 5 friends and family members have killed themselves in front of him on different occasions. After that I talked to a mother who was mustering all the strength in the world to not cry on the phone with me while she told me how her daughter wants to kill herself. This life isn’t easy. I wonder how electrons are feeling about it all.

[aroaceleovaldez]

For the character, maybe Frank Zhang and/or Piper McLean?

Send me a character!

Frank:

First impression: Hell yeah shapeshifter character :) < (animorphs fan) What a lovely fella :)

Impression now: He deserves so much more....

Favorite moment: Of course gotta go with freeing Thanatos and just the entire Alaska/Canada fight scene. Wish the whole curse thing was more relevant outside of that moment but other than that, hell yeah you go Frank.

Idea for a story: I want him and Leo to be friends,,,, like. actually friends. Please,,,

Unpopular opinion: I AM SO MAD AT LIKE, MARK OF ATHENA THROUGH TYRANT’S TOMB FOR WHAT RICK DID TO FRANK’S STORYLINE. What the hell was that. Why nullify his curse and then un-nullify it THEN NULLIFY IT AGAIN. WHAT WAS THE POINT. AND WHY DID READRIORDAN SPOIL FRANK’S ENTIRE TYRANT’S TOMB SUBPLOT BEFORE THE BOOK WAS PUBLISHED??? HELLO?????? Also also the Frank/Hazel/Leo love triangle & Leo/Frank rivalry was BAD and UNNECESSARY, jealous boyfriend trope is OUT. (Leo being half oblivious to it all was a little funny though).

Favorite relationship: Frazel is extremely cute HOWEVER again, i want Frank and Leo to be friends,,, please,,, i just want them to TALK-

Favorite headcanon: While i have Opinions™ about neurotypical Frank it does directly support my headcanon that adhd/dyslexia/autism is a genetic thing for demigods rather than an inherent “demigodly” trait. Thank you Frank for your service in me trying to fix a ton of the niche kinda ablelist things in the series <3 But aside from that. Let him be neurodivergent cowards.

Piper:

First Impression: Woah,,, she’s just like me for real,,,,

Impression now: Rick. Rick you can stop writing “I’m not like other girls” characters. Rick- Rick sTOP-

Favorite moment: It’s an extremely tiny moment but in Mark of Athena there’s this tiny moment described in passing of Piper being the one to physically drag Nico out of the jar/battlefield when they’re fighting the twin giants and a.) it’s such a funny scene to me and b.) Brain go brrr with thoughts about Nico & Piper having a bit of kinship from that moment/Nico respecting Piper a lot for basically being one of if not the only one to like, actually help him out of the Giant’s lair.

Idea for a story: Piper, Drew, Sadie, and Lacy all going on a quest/adventure together. Let them all unpack that “I’m not like other girls” complex. Very fun potential for an exploration on different manifestations and expressions of femininity particularly how it intersects with different identities. There is so much depth you could go into with that.

Unpopular opinion: Stop making her fashionable, she has abhorrent fashion taste on purpose. Give Piper those absolutely ridiculous thrift store t-shirts!!! The most gaudy, tacky things imaginable! Horrible color combos! Have fun with it! She not only has bad fashion taste but also MONEY. She has access to EXPENSIVE horrible fashion! Either that or just give her basic plain clothes. NOT fashionable plain clothes, i mean Bland As Hell.

Favorite relationship: LET PIPER AND DREW BE GOOD SISTERS TO EACH OTHER PLEASE-

Favorite headcanon: Piper wears velcro shoes (probably kid’s velcro shoes) and jorts she made herself. I will never change my mind on this.

[hopefullystillatheatrestudent]

i'm so excited about you taking asks again ahhhh okay so. if you'd absolutely had to choose. what would be your top 5 cockles moments, and why? thank you ily <3

here’s the thing: there are so many routes i could go down with this, because cockles moments come in all shapes and sizes and formats. these include moments from their panels, their bloopers, the footage we get when they don’t even know they’re being recorded, stories being passed down from photo ops & autographs(one of my personal favorite ways to get cockles, tbh, because they’re all insane), and social media(tweets to each other, instagram posts & comments, etc.). 

SO! since many a list like this has already been made, and i want to stand out from the crowd, what i’m gonna do is definitively give the number one spot to each of these five categories.(i might even throw in honourable mentions because they’re so despicably in love that they warrant that. i really put my whole pussy into this, guys, i hope you’re happy.) 

disclaimer: these are my own personal opinions. but that also means i’m right. so. enjoy. 

number one: top cockles panel moment

so we’re starting off with a bang, because how do you even BEGIN to rank what atrocities jensen and misha commit at jibcon. every single one they’ve had is damning in it’s own right, for different reasons.

however, considering just how much unabashed fuckery they’ve given us to sift through, it’s a good thing i do have a personal favorite despite it all. it’s heartwarming, the sweetest thing i’ve ever seen, AND it’s jarringly cinematic - mainly because it has a whole ass arc to it that was years in the making. it might even be surprising to some people, but my favorite cockles panel moment, and what i consider the one that encompasses their entire gut-wrenching journey from 2008-2013 in the most sweepingly romantic gesture possible, is this one.

i want this burned into my retinas. i am not even joking. when i'm through with my explanation, let me convince you why this is thee most romantic cockles moment of all time.

first, some history: people call this the resume off, but many seem to forget the botched attempt at a resume off a year prior. and yes, you guessed it: it's during their break up. it's a juicy time period for a reason, guys. it came across as exceedingly one-sided and VERY awkward. let me refresh your memory as to just how bad it was, and just how hard jensen was trying and ultimately failing at winning misha over: the funniest part of the whole resume off in 2013??? every joke/bit had literally already been made/done. they were just going through the motions again, but the difference THIS time...is that misha reciprocated jensen's energy. it. is. fascinating. i want to get into it more detail in another post, and i'll link it here when i'm done, but the main takeaway, i think, and the main difference that showcases how much they've grown in a year, is that in jib 3, misha flat out refused to do an accent, and this time around, he indulges jensen for literal minutes. when i tell you they're crazy, they're crazy. i can't wait to actually dive into it later.

ANYWAY, the resume off culminates in this moment here. and, like, a million things happen in this gifset. actually, more like a million and one. the music starts playingneediremindyouthatthesongissingingintherain(h e l p), misha starts dancing, jensen 'perpetually fake grumpy' ackles lets misha think he's not going to join, misha sits down defeated, but no!!! that was jensen's plan all along(look at his stupid fucking smirk) and he offers his arm to his dance partner who immediately grins like a fool, jensen then leads misha into their kick step, they perfectly synchronise and let loose, and are then very clearly having the time of their lives, hanging off of each other with joy and ease. from their expressions alone i can tell that this moment is so. so. so. so! much more than what initially meets the eye. i mean-misha is fighting back the biggest smile i've ever seen. to me, it reads like jensen is offering something to misha, something that misha kind of gave up on expecting, and him offering his arm like that is like, a surprise to him in the best possible way(and it's so not platonic, let me just say that.) as soon as jensen did that, it ushered in a new era of cockles. this panel is jensen and misha's favourite for a reason, and i think this moment is the biggest clue as to why.

whew!!! ok. that took a lot out of me and that was only point one. moving on,

number two: top cockles blooper moment

cockles bloopers hold an extremely special place in my heart, because it shows just how fucking disastrous jensen and misha are. they are so goddamn infatuated with each other that they HOLD UP PRODUCTION ALL THE TIME TO FLIRT WITH EACH OTHER(???). let me repeat. let it sink in. jensen ackles; arguably one of the most professional actors on that show who puts everything he has into each scene, with mountains and mountains of notes to prove it: would rather hold up production to flirt with misha collins. this sounds fake. it's not. he does it. all. the. time. and here's the thing guys!!! i'm gonna let you in on a secret!!! misha loves it. he loveesssss it. on top of that-misha collins: overlooked because he's pranked and people assume he's unprofessional as well, but his only pranks are in retaliation/off-set, and he rarely if EVER causes problems if he can help it....lets himself get carried away when it comes to jensen making kissy faces at him!!! are you actually kidding me!!! i mean. misha. it's just a face. you've seen it a million times. i don't buy that it triggers something in you that strongly....you like it, and you like jensen's reaction. you can't fool me!!! lisa berry's face in that one gifset shows just how fed up the crew is with their gross, coupley boyfriend antics.

i could pull up so many examples. sooooooo many. but my favourite was sealed since the moment i saw it.

i actually already wrote an analysis on it but i can't find it :(((( which SUCKS because i really unpacked the whole thing. i'll try to summarise.

basically, a backstory is part of this too!!! jensen and misha both had a really really hard time with this scene(because it's explicitly romantic there i said it), they sat down for hours and poured over their scripts together, they were super super nervous going into filming, both of them, jensen especially, were super hard on themselves for their performances not being true to their characters but they both complimented the other's work(boyfriend moments fr). so, yeah. they weren't confident going into shooting. and how do they get themselves to feel better???? by cuddling each other, apparently.

a lot. a LOT. happens in this specific blooper. to the point that i saw it years before i knew about cockles and it raised all sorts of flags for me.

1) stop pulling my face towards your crotch(as a thinly veiled request that misha would, in fact, move jensen's face towards his crotch, considering it was jensen moving himself there in the first place. also, why so comfy down there guys???) 2) you're my baby daddy i know(in the most intimate voice i've ever heard please) 3) i know, i know, i love you too i didn't say i love you i know but you wanted to say it etc. misha's right, of course. that's what jensen meant.

it just reeks of comfort, familiarity and intimacy between the two, and it's a moment that is extremely sweet and silly at the same time. they're so <3

number three: top cockles found footage moment

WONDERFUL category. truly the culmination of the cockles experience. many people have said that shipping cockles doesn't work because 'they're just onstage you dummies!! they're playing it up for the audience!!!' here's the thing, love. i could not disagree with you more. once you climb your way up the cockles ladder, you soon learn that they are, in fact, playing their dynamic DOWN, not up. they really are just Like That™, and they could not care less about the paying audience, if we're being honest, considering how much time they take to giggle with each other and refuse to let the audience in on the joke. and i love them for it <3

anyway, my point is that this category is for all you naysayers out there, all you 'jensen and misha's relationship is just for show and is real life queerbaiting'(?????lordhelp???) oh yeah? ok, explain this.

he. he. he calls jensen sweetheart. literally enough said. there's nothing to really add here, except, misha and jared then immediately engage in damage control. jared's method is distraction and misha's is retconning('get out of the car, dude') this was what got me to buy into the cockles dumpster for GOOD good. you don't call your buddy sweetheart accidentally and sound so completely earnest while doing it! especially not when that buddy is jensen ackles!!! you think he would let any of his friends call him that? do you?

one more thing; if it was a slip of the tongue, little mouth thing or whatever, you think jared wouldn't have jumped on it immediately??? i can hear it now. 'did you just call him SWEETHEART???' yeah. that's what i thought. you know why he didn't? because it was too revealing.

number four: top cockles autograph moment

i mean, i think we all know what it's gonna be, and if you don't, well, do i have the piece de cockles resistance that is gonna send you over the edge.

if you haven't heard of this story by now, as a cockles, truther, i'm gonna go ahead and get you to read it, because there is no possible heterosexual explanation for any of it, and you're fooling yourself if you think otherwise.

spoiler alert: it's the story where phones weren't allowed in an auto session, jensen nuzzles himself in misha's hair, leans his full body weight onto him, holds his hand, etc. etc. i'm imploding just repeating this back, actually. also, just, the sheer amount of stories from photo ops where they tackle hug each other or slap each other's asses or sing romantic songs to each other or almost kiss is, frankly, a lot. if i could wish for anything, it would be to witness them in person.

and finally,

number five: top cockles social media moment

this one is super difficult, because there's obviously a lot to choose from. but you know what? full send, i'm going with this one:

i just. what to say about this. how often do misha and jensen watch sunsets together for it to qualify as ‘always’ ??? why are sunsets synonymous with their relationship??? that’s like??? a very romantic thing????? ‘this guy’??? the fact that it’s a CANDID??? i don’t know guys.

that could have been better but i am TIRED so. there you go rose ily

[honeytae]

Hi!! Idk if you’re taking requests or not, but I was hoping I could request something along the lines of where you’re in love with your best friend, taehyung, but he doesn’t know and he’s getting married soon. you don’t tell him how you feel until the night of his wedding when you’re a bit tipsy from drinking your feelings away. you can decide the ending! thank you in advance if you end up writing this! hope you’re doing well and staying safe. Xx

hi darling! i’m so sorry this took so long for me to write. i couldn’t get it to a point where i was satisfied with it for a really long time, i still don’t feel that good about it honestly but hopefully it’s okay for you!!! i tried to make it angsty (yikes) so hopefully it’s not horrible lmao

tags: @ahgasearmyfan, @hoseokayy, @the1921-monsters

genre: angst

word count: 1.6k

warnings: um so much heartbreak, oc is a little (very) in denial about the situation and comes off a little toxic tbh, requited love but nothing they can do about it now, mentions of tae going into a panic attack

You couldn’t handle it.

You couldn’t handle the ‘congratulations to the happy couple,’ nor the Mr. and Mrs. Kim sign practically floating over their heads. You couldn’t handle the copious bouquets and all the preparations that went into this.

And you felt like a complete asshole about it.

Which is precisely why you decided to prematurely exit the event, doing yourself and everyone else a favor by leaving for the night to go sulk in your hotel by your lonesome.

The elevator ride up to your floor was miserable, your own battles within your mind coupled with the fact that your floor was the top one, making the ride excruciatingly long on top of everything else.

Rustling with the hotel key in your bag seemed to take forever as well, finally barging into your half unpacked space with a sigh. You quickly shut the door behind you, hoping you’d been able to sneak away from the hotel lobby without any guests noticing.

Shuffling further into the room, you sat on the edge of the king bed in the center of the room, placing your head in your hands at the mere prospect of this weekend.

Taehyung was getting married. Kim Taehyung, your best friend, the one person you’d been pining for since middle school, would be legally bound to someone else in less than twenty four hours.

Maybe you just shouldn’t have come. Despite sending red flags to Tae, you couldn’t think of a better solution than fleeing at this exact moment. Why did you think you could handle this?

Two knocks against the locked door had your head raising from its resting place, cursing under your breath at someone coming after you.

You didn’t feel well. That would be your excuse.

“Hey, you okay?” Immediately upon opening the door, Taehyung spoke the question out into the air, dark eyebrows knit in concern and kind eyes imploring yours for an answer.

“Hi. I’m fine, just a little tired, Tae.” You pressed your lips together in a hopefully believable smile, the man frowning before nodding at you.

“Me too. Can I come in?” He asked, the question completely innocent however making your heart rate a bit faster at the what if. What if things had gone differently? What if it was still a possibility for things to escalate between you two?

Cut it out. He’s about to be a married man.

You raised your eyebrows at him for a moment, then stepped back to allow him in, putting all your concentration on shutting the wood for a moment as you took a steadying breath.

“What about your party?” You wondered aloud, the man humming as he took a seat on your fully made bed.

“I’m tired of the parties. They’re exhausting.” He chuckled, covering his face with his hands as he reclined back on your bed.

Your heart skipped another beat at the vision, his tight pants leaving little to the imagination and buttons from his dress shirt stretched to new limits with his strained position. Diverting your eyes, you walked over to the desk chair in the corner of your room, reaching for a water bottle out of your mini fridge. Get a fucking grip.

Tossing one over to the bed beside Taehyung, you sat down in the plush seat, grateful that the man didn’t seem to notice your distance from him as you glanced out the window.

Until….

“Are you really okay? I feel like you’ve been avoiding me lately.”

At his sudden words, you froze, gripping your water a bit tighter as you brought your eyes back to his face. He was closer now than before, having scooted to the edge of your bed to lean toward you, eyes showing concern for you as you shuffled in your seat.

Taehyung was never one to beat around the bush, and at times like this, you really wish he would just brush some things under the rug as easy as you could.

“I’m good, Tae. Just have a lot going on, I guess. I’m sorry I made you feel like that.” You said, hoping to clear the air and dismiss the topic as soon as you possibly could. The man’s stare wasn’t helping your state any.

“No apologies. Just wanted to check in on you.” He sighed, seemingly disappointed with your lack of response before a hideous painting across the room caught his eye.

“What the fuck is that?” He griped, making you chuckle as he sat up to lean toward the art piece, squinting with his lip curled in amusement.

“It’s not so bad.” You shrugged, smirking when he turned back to you in bewilderment. Realizing you were teasing him, his eyes went back to normal size, a smile meeting his own lips at the return of your familiar banter.

“How can you sleep in a room with that shit? I feel like asking for a refund.” He shook his head, making you laugh before taking a swig from your water.

“Somehow I manage.” You replied, twisting the cap back on the bottle with a sigh.

It’s times like these that you feel as though nothing is wrong. Times like these that transport you back to periods of your life when Taehyung was just a call away, and you thought maybe, just maybe, you two had a chance. But that was over now. Those days were no more.

Because Taehyung informing you about a blind date then turned into him in a full blown relationship, a serious one at that, and soon enough they were taking big steps such as meeting the parents, moving in together, and yes, getting engaged.

Your friends had been just as shocked as you were, pitying you with deep sympathetic looks over Taehyungs shoulder as you hugged him in confused congratulations. It had all happened so fast...how did you manage to lose him forever?

Waking up the next day, you felt a particular heaviness on your chest. It was the day before the wedding, the rehearsal dinner turned into an entire day of partying for their guests. A celebratory day, if anything.

But waking up and getting all dolled up for this occasion was the absolute last thing you wanted to do, today or ever. You had always thought that you’d have much more of a starring role in Kim Taehyung’s life. Shaking your head to dismiss those kinds of thoughts, you cursed as you left your hotel room, wondering how the hell you’d be getting through this day.

Four martinis. Four martinis was how you’d be getting through today. The bartender had become one of your closest acquaintances over the past few hours, eyeballing you silently as he poured you yet another cocktail, your demands obvious that you were not drinking out of celebration.

Sitting at the bar, you contemplated everything. From the time you’d met Tae, you had been so sure that you two completed each other. Were you that naive? And fuck, why are you still thinking about this now? It’s over. You and Tae will never be.

Nearly jumping off your stool at a hand suddenly clapping your back, you shifted your gaze over to the arm belonging to Jungkook, one of Taehyung’s youngest yet wisest friends.

“You’re sulking.” He said plainly, dark eyes tracing over your faded features, briefly examining the drink in your hand before shooting the bartender a knowing look.

“You shouldn’t be out here.” You sighed, nearly breaking into a sob when his hand laid over yours, fingers fitting between your own in a comforting gesture. With one glance at the man, you gained all the information you didn’t want.

He knew.

You wondered how long he’d known. Jungkook, being the quiet and relatively introverted person he was, was an observer. He knew everything about everyone it seemed, by not speaking to them at all. He noticed everything.

You just hoped he didn’t notice the way your eyes started blinking rapidly, and that he’d instead just go back into the party without another word.

“Neither should you.” He replied to you, his tone holding nothing but concern as he tried to catch your eyes.

You just couldn’t hold it in.

“Well maybe if I wasn’t in love with him I’d be having a better time.” You mumbled, leaning your head down on your hands, elbows pressed to the tops of your thighs, sad and tired as Jungkook froze beside you.

Unbeknownst to you, a concerned Taehyung had also come to find you, stumbling upon that very scene as Jungkook tried to console you.

Meeting eyes with his older friend, Jungkook’s mouth gaped open for a moment, opening and closing like a fish out of water as you cluelessly rambled under your breath about how stupid you were to ever let yourself come here.

With a shaky exhale, Taehyung silently began to put it all together. The way you’d been working constantly lately, picking up every shift you could to decline his repeated attempts at getting together with you, the way you’d ran off last night and brushed it off as you being too tired. It was all adding up.

You were struggling with this as much as he was. Maybe more.

But what Taehyung could do about this years ago was no longer an option, his hands shaking at his sides as he spun on his heel and walked out of the lobby. He could briefly hear Jungkook call for him but ignored it, breathing heavily as he rounded one of the hallways leading to the restrooms.

Unshed tears misted over his eyes as he hugged a corner of the wall, feeling rather unsteady as he leaned his forehead against the cool surface. The burning pain in his chest had him sinking down to the floor in an instant, sobs wracking his shoulders with heightening emotions rising in his throat.

You’d finally given him the green light. And it was too fucking late.