#so much to do....... at least i'll have saturday off to rest up a bit before the 4 days of continuous work

[noxtivagus]

head in hands FINAL FANTASY

[robinsnest2111]

now why did I have a bad dream about accidently joining in on a gang of guys cracking the back of some kinda atm or other some such thing and letting me take all the money?..?

and all I was worrying about while stuffing the cash into my pockets and backpack was if the local police force still kept my teeny tiny child finger prints (I demanded they take and they humoured me) when my family home got broken into back then, and my parents took me to the police station with them to get their finger prints (to differentiate between them and the burglar(s)' finger prints) and statements taken, and if they'd be able to identify me off of that alone. because I was stupid and didn't wear any gloves. because I so suddenly joined that operation.

ugh dreams are so stupid. woke up with a racing heart either way.

[soaps-mohawk]

So...

I've been doing some thinking about a couple of things.

This blog has grown considerably, even from its start and I appreciate each and every one of you so much. Your support never ceases to amaze me and I owe all of you a lot for giving me something to focus on this year instead of spiraling into insanity.

But

Things have gotten a tad bit overwhelming recently between trying to run the blog and trying to write. I find myself either having to ignore the blog to get writing done, or sacrifice writing time and energy to spend time on the blog and keep up with all the replies/reblogs/asks etc. Definitely not complaining, you all never cease to amaze me.

But, I am just one person and my brain only has so much power right now. So, I'm planning to take some (more) time off each week right now while I focus on writing and planning since we're getting into some serious plot stuff soon. So I'm planning to be on the blog three days a week for a while: Saturday, Sunday, and Thursday. That gives me some time to get some writing done as well as some time to rest my brain.

Saturday and Sunday of course to post the chapter and respond to replies and reblogs so I don't get super behind. Monday I'll have some asks queued up as well as maybe a few reblogs. I'll still use the queue Tuesday and Wednesday for reblogs/asks with spoilers as usual. Thursday I'll be on the blog answering asks from Monday - Wednesday as well as things I get that day. I'll queue up a few things for Friday since that day gives me a little break between to prepare for the weekend and posting the chapter.

I'll probably add more days as time goes on. You can still send in asks on the days I'm gone, but just know I won't see them or respond to them until later in the week. I already get behind by a couple days on asks anyway so that's not much of a change.

Don't feel bad for sending them either, I love getting all these asks, I just tend to get behind on days I spend more time writing.

The second order of business

has to do with my taglist. Most of you probably haven't noticed (which I don't blame you lol) but my taglist has gotten very big. Very, very big. It's just over 230 people right now, and I'm sure there will be others asking to join. It's quite time consuming to do all of these tags for every chapter (especially since we can't tag in blocks anymore) so I've been doing some thinking into how I can make it easier for me, and for you.

I know there's at least one blog I've heard of, though I'm sure there's more, that have made side blogs that they have people follow and turn on notifications for and just make a post on that blog when they post a chapter or fic, etc. I've been considering doing that since the taglist is a lot of work and time.

I've also seen blogs that have side blogs that just post chapters/fics and nothing else. I know quite a few of you only follow for the fic, so if anyone is interested, I could put together a side blog like that as well that you can follow and get notifications from instead of having to follow this blog and having to go through the probably 100 posts that I make a day 😂 (at least it feels that way for me)

Having a separate blog for the taglist too would allow me to schedule posts so I can have them come out a bit earlier than I get up for those of you across the world who stay up to read and have to wait for me to post in the morning when I get up (or later like today because I slept in). Of course Ao3 will get posted later because I can't schedule posts there, but at least for Tumblr I can have things post earlier.

So let me know what you think about the taglist side blog and the possible just chapters/fics side blog. Feel free to send in asks (anonymously or not) with your opinion. I might not answer them all (not tonight because my brain is fried and honestly i'm not sure if this is even comprehensible English) but I will at least use them to make the decision (or make a post with all of them and answer it as just one).

[datesinredink]

Ranking the yandere rottmnt boys by how likely they are to kidnap their darling

Just a little crumb to keep myself from losing my mind while staring at google docs this late at night. Sorry if this is super bad, it's way later at night than I'm used to staying up and election night stressed me the hell out.

Donnie.

I have absolutely no doubts that he's going to at least try very very hard to kidnap you. And honestly, I doubt it would be too hard. He's a highly trained, mystic wielding, tech inventing, mutant ninja turtle. And on top of that, he's very fond of planning absolutely everything. And to finish it all off, I think it would be once in a blue moon that he actually treats his darling as an equal. He already thinks he's better than almost everyone, and when he gets obsessed, he has to make himself feel better about it somehow, so he decides to cope by thinking you need him instead of it being the other way around. As a result, he treats you a bit like a very glorified songbird, and songbirds.. well, aren't they usually put in cages anyway? You won't even care after a week or two of adjustment! (He will get upset if you aren't content with being kidnapped by then, by the way.)

2. Raph

The only reason Raph is behind Donnie on this list is because I think he would take longer to justify it to himself. He thinks you're fragile, that you need to be protected from the harsh world! I mean, he barely trusts his youngest brother, who is also a highly trained ninja, to do a simple mission on his own. How do you think he'll treat you after the obsession sets in properly? Not really as an equal, I'll tell you that. He's much nicer to you than Donnie would be, but he still doesn't respect you enough to let you handle yourself, even if that's not how he sees his behavior. At the same time though... isn't he supposed to be a hero? Do heroes kidnap their darlings? Or would this make him the dragon... In the end though, he'll decide that he's fine with being the dragon so long as he knows that the rest of the world won't be able to run their metaphorical (or maybe literal, depending on how unpopular you are in the area) pitchforks right through your heart.

3. Mikey

Mikey wouldn't just.. outright kidnap his darling, I think. I think it would start with a fun sleepover at the lair! Then he insists you stay just one more day! You're having so much fun, after all! Don't you wanna hang out with your best friend for a while longer? You agree, of course- him and his brothers have been nothing but nice to you ever since you met them, and their company is always a delight, so it's worth a shot, isn't it? Then suddenly, the weekend is over, and school's ready to chew you up again, so you do leave. Then it's finally the weekend again! You've heard of a fun game from your school friends, so you plan on trying it when you get home this afternoon- it's friday, after all- when you get a text from Mikey in the group chat with his brothers. He wants you to come over again- and, of course, you say "sure". Not like you can't just play the game on sunday, or when you go home saturday. The sleepover flies by, but you're a bit weary by the time you're pretty sure you're supposed to go home- but here's Mikey, and he's so sure that you promised you'd stay at the lair until sunday again! So, you give in. There's always next weekend, right...? I think you get the pattern, but eventually, he'll be keeping you at the lair 24/7, and you'll be rubbing at your weary eyes wondering how you got into this mess. Sometimes you can even see his brothers shoot you worried looks.

4. Leo

Leo would only kidnap his darling as a last resort, and I think it's because of two reasons. One, he's the brother who sees you closest to being an equal (Donnie and Raph constantly go against your personal autonomy and Mikey puts you on an extremely restricting pedestal), though to be fair, that's not a high bar to pass- and two he much prefers to have some sort of interesting conflict to be present because he finds it entertaining. His life is a weird, morally incorrect soap opera at this point, and he's the number one viewer. Kidnapping would only really happen with him if he thought you were either seriously leaving him (moving or getting into a serious relationship with someone else) or if the circumstances around him got too stressful and he needed something to cling to for any semblance of support outside his brothers (who, at that point, would probably also be super stressed). Think post movie, when the city is still recovering. Man, he was probably freaking out thinking that you might've died to the kraang.

[beanarie]

this was inspired by chatter in the tag earlier in the week about tommy not having the reflex to ask for help, not having an emergency contact, etc. bucktommy nation, i'm loving it here.

more a request than a proposal

Wednesday afternoon, as the 118 drove back from a small grease fire, Buck received a text from Tommy.

gonna need a raincheck on hiking Saturday

He kept his expression neutral so his friends wouldn't notice and start giving him a hard time. No problem. Everything okay?

yeah of course. brunch instead? I'll order in

He spent the rest of the week telling himself there was probably nothing wrong.

Saturday, at the agreed upon time, Buck showed up at Tommy's door, looked down at the boot Tommy was wearing, and felt a burst of something ugly which he instantly tried to squash. At least he wasn't getting dumped. "Uh, hey. What happened there?"

Tommy rolled his eyes at himself. "I broke my foot a few days ago."

"What?"

"Yeah, Tuesday night. I'd just maxed out my flight hours and-" He cocked his head. "Why is your face doing that?"

Buck walked away, got in his car, and sat there as Tommy stopped blinking in confusion and went back inside.

Ten seconds later, Buck was ringing the bell again.

Tommy didn't raise an eyebrow, but the muscle twitched like he'd considered it. "I'd ask if you left something behind, but you didn't actually get through the door."

"I was off on Tuesday," Buck said.

"Okay?"

"You knew that. We compared both our schedules for the week. That was how we settled on Saturday."

"I recall." Tommy grimaced. "Look, can we go inside? Standing is not my favorite right now."

"Oh!" Shit. "Yeah. Yeah, of course."

Following close behind as Tommy settled on the couch, Buck grabbed a throw pillow for his foot to seem marginally less useless. Now inside, surrounded by all things Tommy, he felt decidedly off-kilter. "Do you... want me here?"

"I thought I did," Tommy said, laying his head against the arm of the couch with a tired sigh. "Go on, tell me what your problem is."

From there, Buck could see the kitchen table laden with takeout containers and a pitcher of orange juice. "Food's getting cold," he pointed out.

"I didn't have much appetite anyway. The food was my clever way of luring you here." He smiled at that, a little, rueful one.

Buck wanted to smile back. He wanted to say Tommy was the only lure he needed. "How did you get home from the ER?"

"I mean, my crew still had more than half a 24 to go, so." He lifted his phone and shook it a bit.

"Uber," Buck said, wanting to break something.

Tommy melted more against the couch as the penny dropped. "Evan, we've been dating three months. I didn't want you to feel obligated."

"It's been a big three months," Buck said.

"Yeah." Tommy gave another little smile. "Sinking ships and runaway grooms and drug cartels, oh my."

"You showed up for me on multiple occasions in that time." The only other options for seating were too far away. Buck knelt on the carpet near the couch.

"You look like you're proposing." Tommy snorted, then looked mildly alarmed. "Take out a ring right now and I'll scream."

"Shut up," he said with a quiet laugh. Tentatively, he reached for Tommy's hand, and smiled as Tommy let their fingers tangle together. "Sorry for being weird. It's just, I like you a lot."

"Ditto," Tommy said, rolling his wrist a few degrees, watching their hands with a strange light in his eyes.

"It hasn't sucked, right? Being my next call after my family when something happens."

"No." Tommy looked thoughtful. His thumb rubbed the back of Buck's hand. "Sucked is not the word I'd use."

"You've been in pain this whole time and I had no idea. I hate that."

The second sigh was more weary than the first. "Evan, it's okay. I'm-"

"If you want me to- to go, I will." They were still so new. Buck couldn't insist on anything, he could only offer. "I know you can take care of yourself. You don't have to, though. Not all the time."

Tommy tugged on their hands, pulling Buck closer. "Stay."

[lesbianpepsi]

Fuck it I love you | part III

pairing: sam carpenter x fem!reader

summary: when paired with Tara Carpenter for a project you were expecting a B or maybe even an A. Not falling in love with Tara's older sister, Sam

series masterlist

words: 1.642k

warnings: bad writing

authors note: a short one but next chap will be much longer :)

You let out a shaky sigh as you grab yet another tissue soaking in the tears rolling down your cheeks at an alarming rate.

Your heart feels as if it was cracking at the borderline cruel words that were said; the word 'why?' in your mind the entire time.

A ring from your phone distracted you from your heart momentarily, sniffling as you grabbed it and answered the phone.

"Hey Y/n, did I leave my watch on the coffee table?" Melanie asks you in a rushed voice as your eyes glanced over the coffee table to see the watch that Melanie owns.

"Yeah it's here." You croak out in a broken voice making Melanie's eyes widen dramatically.

"Y/n? What's wrong? I'll leave this party right now if you need me." She says seriously in a more hushed tone.

You shake your head as a watery chuckle escapes your lips. "No, no it's fine, stay." You insisted as your eyes glanced at the TV screen.

"Why're you crying?" Melanie asks you worriedly, fearing the absolute worst possible thing has happened to you. 

And it has. The fucking worst thing.

"I just finished Fleabag again." You inform her as more tears started swarming in instantly at the mention of the show.

Melanie groans loudly. "Fucking hell, Y/n, I thought something actually happened!" 

"Something has happened, Melanie. He told her 'it'll pass' that it'll fucking pass!" You sob again as you grab more tissues, your heart cracking even more at the still raw memory.

"You've watched that show so many times how the fuck does the ending still make you cry?" She asks you with a laugh now clearly finding your heart break hilarious.

"She said 'I love you' and he said 'it'll pass.' before saying he loves her too! How could I not cry?" You defended not finding your heartbreak over a TV show humour. 

She laughs again. "You and your shows. Chads coming over with shots, I'm off. Toodles."

"Toodles." You sniffle making her let out another laugh before hanging up the call.

You glance at your phone and roll your eyes at the low battery. Typical. 

Yeah, it's a Saturday night and here you are, alone in your apartment finishing Fleabag and experiencing the heartbreak that hurts just as much as it did the first time. 

Some might say depressing, you say it's the way to live.

With an exaggerated sigh you turn the TV off with the small remote before standing up, heading towards your bedroom to charge your phone.

You reach your desk where the plug is at but frown when you don't see that your charger isn't plugged in.

Where else can it be-

Fuck sakes you forgot it Tara's apartment.

Groaning you grab your phone which only has 3% and shoot the girl a quick message.

Me (20:47pm): hey tar, is it cool if i come over quickly? i forgot my charger there 🙄🙄

Tara🙃 (20:52pm): yeah ofc but-

Before you can see the rest of the text message your phone shuts off to a completely blank screen.

With an annoyed huff you stuff your phone into the pocket of your joggers and go to look for your shoes near the front of the apartment.

At least you saw the permission text you think as you shove your feet into your dirty, broken trainers that you refuse to throw out since shoes are so expensive. 

The walk to Carpenter's apartment is only twenty minutes and since the sun hasn't fully set outside you decide a walk won't do any harm. 

You're a bit annoyed that you can't listen to any music on the walk so you decide to do the second best thing, think about Sam.

She's just so gorgeous and so sweet with her friends and Tara, how could anyone not constantly think about her?

You've seen Sam a handful of times since the gym, all of them being at their apartment as you and Tara worked on your project. 

Tara and you have actually gotten through most of the project so unfortunately you only need to head over there around three more times till the two of you have completed the project. 

You can't help but feel relieved to be able to actually finish a project in time before the due date, but there's also a deep pit of disappointment lingering in you too. 

What if you never see Sam again after it? There'll be no excuses to come over there anymore unless Tara would invite you over. 

Wow, that quickly spiralled into just not happy Sam thoughts. 

Thankfully you stop yourself from thinking the worst case scenarios as you've arrived at the apartment complex.

Like routine you head up the stupidly long stairs since the elevator is still broken and after what feels like an eternity you reach their floor.

Knocking on the door three times you patiently wait for Tara to come open the door for you but to your joy it's Sam, looking as annoyed as ever; your heart swoons at the sight.

"What." She grumbled as her eyes travel you up and down, furrowing her brows at your shirt. "What the fuck is your shirt?" She questions before you even get a chance to answer her first question.

You look down at your shirt and giggle not remembering what shirt you're wearing. It's a yellow shirt with a pineapple in the middle wearing a pink thong, under it is the simple word 'Slut'. A shirt you got after your third re-watch of Brooklyn Nine Nine.

"It's from a show, you don't like it? It's actually really soft." You tell her with a smile instinctively feeling your waist to feel the soft texture. "Seriously, for around fifteen dollars and free packing this was a bargain." 

Sam hums as she stares at your shirt questioningly before raising her eyes to meet with yours. "And you decided to wear a shirt saying 'slut' in public?"

You nod your head proudly. "Why wouldn't I?"

"People will clearly judge you. Stare." Sam answers speedily as if she already knew what she was going to say.

You shrug your shoulders, a weak laugh escaping your lips. "People who are complete strangers? People who I'll never see again?" You say with a soft smile. "People will always judge, it's our instinct to judge whatever we come across. But you can't let that control your life and stop you from being you; stop that from letting you wear what you want or even like what you like. At the end of the day they're people who I'll never see again."

Sam doesn't say anything for a moment as if she's digesting your words, her eyes never leaving yours for a second. You don't say anything as you gaze back into Sam's cold eyes lovingly.

She leans against the doorframe as she runs a hand through her hair. "Why're you here, Y/n? Tara's not even in." 

Your eyes widen as you mentally groan, that was probably the rest of the text message she sent but you couldn't see. 

"Shit I'm sorry I didn't know. I sent Tar a message asking if I can come over to get my charger but when she texted back I only saw part of the message of her saying I can come over before my phone died." 

Sam sighs as she nods her head weakly stepping back into her apartment as she walks over to her couch, you take this as her letting you to which you do ever so gracefully, shutting the door behind you.

Your eyes avert to Sam's figure sitting on the couch as her back faces you with the TV playing on a low volume, one of your favourite movies playing on the screen.

"I love Little Miss Sunshine." You express with a smile walking towards Sam, resting your hands on top of the couch as you stare at the screen. "It absolutely changed my life, and the first movie I actually loved. Like fully loved." 

"It's okay." Sam says with a small smile on her lips as she watches the movie from below you. "I hated it in the beginning but I guess it's sorta growing on me." 

"There's a thin line between love and hate." You express your attention only focused on the movie playing on the screen.

Sam tilts her head up as she gazes at your side profile. "I wouldn't say I love it but I definitely like it."

You chuckle at her words, your eyes lighting up in the reflection of the movie that Sam couldn't help but focus on.

"It's growing, right? Give it time and you'll love it like there's no tomorrow." Sam hums very swallowing her eyes and focuses no longer on the movie.

"Did you love it right from the start?" She asks you. Finally you look away from the screen to look into her eyes, a gentle smile grazing your lips.

"Pretty much. You'll love it soon too, I bet you will." You tell her, thinking you're still talking about the movie. 

But Sam isn't, Sam isn't thinking of the movie at all.

"But I still don't like some parts of it or even understand it, how're you so sure I'll love it?" Sam tries again, blinking slowly.

You shrug your shoulders before moving around the couch to sit next to her, your thighs touching as you smile at her.

"Give it a chance, this is your first time watching it right?" Sam nods her head. "Then give it a chance, you might surprise yourself and actually really like it in the end."

"Go on a date with me." Sam abruptly asks, barely giving you time to finish your sentence. Her eyes gazed into yours as a small smile nervously appeared on her lips.

Holy fucking shit. 

[crsssie]

oops... i got married || TO MY COLLEGE PROF???

word count: 2.6k || Fic 1 of oops... i got married

summary: There is no way you just woke up married to your college prof. God. At least he's hot?

You get married as a joke.

Yes, there are limits to how much you can drink. Yes, there are limits to how insane you can get while drunk— but apparently getting married is not within that limit. You get married to some random guy— NOT SOME RANDOM GUY. YOU GET MARRIED TO YOUR COLLEGE PROFESSOR. You wake up to a legally signed marriage document and your college professor in your kitchen, and you blink at the red booklet in your hands and then at your professor at the door.

"You're going to be late for class."

"Oh. My. God." You hold your head as a headache splits you open. "that hurts."

Cael steps next to you, bowl of soup in his hand, and you blink at him.

"Oh my god."

"You've say that once already." He mumbles, holding the spoon to your lips after he blows on it. "Drink up."

You open your mouth to drink, still blinking in mild confusion when you finish the soup, brain only processing then whether or not you have clothes on. You touch yourself, sighing in relief when you notice that it's just a change of pajamas. It would be the end of the world... or, well, it wouldn't. You suppose there are worse situations than getting married to your hot professor... wait. Should there be an age gap tag on this?!

You take Cael's hand as he helps you up, and he blinks at you, tilting his head.

"Come on. You have class."

"Isn't it Saturday?"

"It's Monday."

"Don't we get Monday off?"

"That was last Monday." 

You scream, blinking at the clock, taking your clothes from Cael's hand (you have no idea when he got the clothes) and change, rushing out of the house as Cael locks the door behind you, following behind you as you rush through the college gates. Cael nods at the security guard— something that the two of you live in a pattern of regardless of whether or not you're married. You find it strange. Yes, you would not have asked Cael to marry you while sober, but it's also questionable. You wonder in what universe you fall for a man several times your age and ask him to marry you while plastered.

"So? Did you do anything after last night?" William brushes up next to you, peeking over your shoulder at you. "I saw someone bring you home. Lowkey, he was kind of hot. His hair was up and everything."

"Yeah." You pause. For the plot? For the plot. "I got married to him."

"WHAT." William screams, and the professor raises a brow in annoyance at him, making him sink back into his seat. "You got married to some random man!?"

"Yeah..." You avert your gaze. "I'll tell you in a bit. Let me take notes—"

"You never take notes!" William gasps. "No fucking way."

"Someone's going to beat my ass if I go home without any notes again." You avoid Cael's gaze from the front of the lecture hall, and go back to clicking on your laptop. "you know?"

"Oh my god." William blinks. "Please tell me I did not just put two and two together. Is this your only lecture of the day? Are you going home with your husband later?!"

"I don't know what you're talking about." You avoid the topic, choosing to ignore William for the rest of the lecture, and bolting for the door as soon as class is dismissed. William yells at you for being a coward and to face him, and you rest by the car as you wait for Cael to return. You sit in the car, resting your head on the wheel with a groan as you click through your phone. At some point, you grow tired, eyes growing heavy as you decide to doze off. You wonder where Cael is... you have a feeling that he's going to get here the second you knock out. You blink slowly, and then stare at Cael's face leaning over the door of your car.

You roll the window down after jumping in your skin.

"Why didn't you knock?!" You panic, eyes wide as you let Cael into the car. "What if you got caught?!"

"Caught by who? My fanclub?" He holds up a bag with drinks in it, humming. "Come on. I'll heat up the milk tea for you when we get home. Don't even think about touching it while it's cold."

"It's not cold!" You gape in faux offense. "I can drink it! Who did you even get it from?"

"My fanclub." He hums, pulling a drink out and stabbing a straw through it. "Drink up."

You take it from his hand as he secures his seatbelt, starting the car as you pause. "So... are we going to talk about being legally married?"

"We can talk about that at home." Cael hums. "Want me to drive?"

"No. It's my car." You grumble, driving out the parking lot as you wait to merge onto the street. "What exactly happened?"

"You got plastered and somehow managed to convince me to sign the marriage certificate you were holding up." Cael pauses. "I was also partially drunk."

"You drank? Who drove us home?"

"We rode the subway."

"Damn." You mumble. "That's crazy. I can't believe you said yes. I would've expected you to say no."

"Well..."

"..." You pause, slowing down at the red light. "drunk man words are sober man thoughts."

"Don't say that to me."

"Oh my god." You mumble. "You're in love with me."

Cael chooses to stay quiet, and you reach over to grab his thigh, laughing as you step on the gas.

"My husband is in love with me!!!" You laugh, squeezing him affectionately as you continue to drive. "Does that mean you won't get divorced with me?"

There's a considerable silence before he speaks up. "Did you think I was going to divorce you?" 

"Maybe." You mumble. "Just a little."

"I wouldn't have agreed had I not liked you to some extent." He mumbles, resting his hand on top of yours. 

"Oh." You pause, another considerable silence passing over the two of you. You blink slowly even when the two of you reach your apartment, and suddenly, it's almost as if his words have just clicked. He likes you. Your college professor likes you. Wait.

"There's got to be some sort of questionable age gap between the two of us." You deadpan.

Cael raises a brow, and you pout. "You're in your last year."

You pause. "True... but you better have not liked me for four years. Isn't it weird to fall for a student anyway? Or did you fall for me because we're neighbors?"

"A mixture of everything." He hums, resting his forehead on yours. "If you keep talking, I may just not cook dinner."

"I can live with instant noodles."

"I can't." He pinches your skin gently. "Shall we have dinner?"

You find that being married to Cael is fun. You get to watch him grade everyone's tests and snoop through his stacks of papers and laptop to see whether or not you can find the next test's answers, and your answer is almost always the same file with a password you can never crack in time before Cael inevitably finds you trying to cheat again. You wonder why he doesn't just report you to the dean, but you don't find it in yourself to care, lips pulled into a pout as he tells you to just study. Easy for him to say.

Maybe he's so old that he just forgot that senioritis happens in college too. 

Yet, he cares in his own way, warm drink next to you as you work through the copious amount of work that you're given in your upper-division courses, head spinning and annoyed over everything. He points out mistakes in your paper, glasses resting on the bridge of his nose, lashes batting slowly as he corrects your essays with a click of his tongue. You pout at him when he does, but he does not make any change in habit. As long as you get a good grade, you suppose. 

Then, your grade comes back, and you are set to graduate. 

You rush home to show Cael the grade on your phone, arms thrown around him as you beam. He runs his hand down your back affectionately, lips pressed to the temple of your head sweetly as he congratulates you. You hum, head resting on his shoulder as you hum. "I should pay you back."

"How about wearing a ring?"

"We have these." You pout at the cheap one on your finger.

"We both know I can afford to buy you a better one." He hums, playing with the ring on your finger. "Shall we go ring shopping in celebration?"

"How is that me paying you back?"

"You're paying me back by spending more time with me." He hums. "That is my request. Let us go buy a ring together."

"Is that all?" You hum.

"We can spend the rest of the day shopping too."

"Alright..." You mumble. "We should go shopping for your clothes. Your wardrobe needs a little updating."

"Yeah?"

"And don't fight me for the bill on your clothes."

"Is that how you're going to pay me back?"

"Yep." You pop the p for emphasis, pressing a kiss to his cheek as you hop off his lap. "We'll take my car so we don't need to haul shopping bags back on the subway."

"Very well."

Cael sits back and lets you pick his outfits, your thoughts put before his as you discuss with the store clerk how to make him the hottest man on campus. He wonders if you just simply don't have a single jealous bone in your body. He doesn't like it when people get too close to you. His brows furrow ever so slightly as your hand brushes the store clerk's when you take the outfit, and you furrow your brows slightly as you stare at the clothes and then at Cael.

"I don't want this color of tweed."

"What are you looking for?"

"Something like... classic. Beige. Picture beige baby but there is no baby and it's my husband." You pause. "Make him the hot guy in a trenchcoat at the campus coffee shop."

"I see the vision." The clerk gives you a thumbs up. "Just wait and see, young'in. We've got this."

You wave bye to Cael with a smile on your face, sitting in the waiting area as you scroll through your phone. You take photos and give a thumbs up and down depending on how good he looks in the clothes, and Cael finds that despite his stamina, he understands why you had looked so drained after shopping with him all those times. It's not that his body is tired— it's just that he can only wear so many outfits in such limited time.

On the last one, he opens the curtain of the dressing room, and your whole face perks up.

Ah. This one. You like this one the best.

"Shall we buy this one?" Cael raises a brow.

"I don't care if my scholarship money is going down the drain for this." You rip the tag from behind him as he crouches down slightly to help you rip it easier, and you scan and ring up the bill. He watches as you swipe your card without second thought, the vast majority of what he tried on going into bags as you carry them. Cael presses his lips to your forehead gently as a thank you, and you grin.

"Shall we get something to eat? My treat." He hums. 

"Not the rings?"

"I called my associate at another store." Cael hums. "I can take some of the bags—"

"No." You pout. "Let me."

"Well, I suppose it is a skill for you to be able to hold so many at once." He laughs. "Would you like a treat?"

"I'd like my ring." You bat your lashes at him with a grin. "I'll drive."

"Alright." He follows behind you, coat still on, hot on your trail as the two of you wait in the elevator to get down to the right level. He helps you open the trunk, and you hum happily. 

"Did you order a ring?"

"They're going to get you fitted." He hums. "And then you're going to pick a design out of all the ones I sketched out."

"Oooh..." You shut the trunk. "Romantic."

"Perhaps it would have been more romantic to actually propose with it."

"Well, we get a good story out of it." You smile at him as the two of you get in the car.  "What color is the ring going to be?"

"I've sketched it in every color you can think of."

"There is no way you did that."

He did.

You stare at the samples and then at the sketches Cael provided, and you blink slowly at your husband. 

"You pick."

The clerk gapes as Cael picks up the rings and tries them on you one at a time. He would get you all of them, but you would complain that it's a waste of his money. Though, he wouldn't really be spending much. He wonders when the next cheque for displaying his works is going to come in. That should be more than enough to cover the costs of the rings.

"Why not all?"

"I'm not comfortable with spending all of that money yet." You deadpan.

"Better get used to it." He hums. "These three."

You stare at the designs he picked, and he hums. "Turn these two into earrings instead."

"A pair or one of each?"

Cael glances at you, lips quirking up at the sight of your dropped jaw.

"One of each?" You blink at him in confusion. "One of each. Mix and match sounds fun."

Cael nods as the store clerk punches in the order. "Anything else you would like, sir?"

Cael shakes his head. 

"Wait, how about your wedding ring?"

"Oh, they have their counterparts." Cael flips the paper over, and your jaw drops. 

"Double the price?"

"Don't worry about it." He hums, tapping his card on the machine and covering your eyes.

"Oh, hey." You hum. "You finally figured out how to use a credit card?"

"Debit." He hums. "I had an account because they were paying me, but I just never applied for a card."

"Oh." You pause. "YOU'RE USING A DEBIT CARD?! HOW MUCH MONEY DO YOU EVEN HAVE?!"

"How old am I?"

You shut up after that.

Not arguing with a man who's older than the existence of the planet you're on. (a joke, really. He's only a decade or two older than you. Though, he definitely doesn't look it.) So, you stare at the ring on your ears in the mirror two weeks later, Cael's matching one on his pierced ear, leaning behind you, chest pressed to your back as he stares at the earring on your ear.

"Looks nice."

"Yeah?" Your neck creeps with warmth, and he presses his lips to your ear gently, standing straight again as the clerk hands him the bag with the earrings.

"Shall we get going, beloved?"

Your hand shakes as you take his, and you try and calm your racing heart.

Oh, god. This might've been the best decision you've ever made while drunk. ever.

[dragonydreams]

No Crisis, Only Calm (Redux) - Buck & May

Title: No Crisis, Only Calm (Redux) Fandom: 9-1-1 Rating: General Audience Pairings/Characters: Evan "Buck" Buckley & May Grant Tags: mentions Evan "Buck" Buckley/Tommy Kinard, Coming Out, TV show recs, pseudo sibling bonding Summary: May shares with Buck the magic of Heartstopper after Buck tells her about his date with Tommy. Timeline: post 7x05 Word Count: 1,633 Disclaimer: I claim no ownership over these characters. I am merely borrowing them from Reamworks, Brad Falchuk Teley-Vision, Ryan Murphy Television, and 20th Century Fox Television. Betas: Thank you to @medieshanachie for looking this over for me. Author's Note: This idea popped into my head after seeing an article about Heartstopper S3.

Author's Note 2: I wasn't satisfied with the first version of this story so I reformatted it and expanded it. I'm much happier with this now and hope you enjoy it too.

Read on AO3

Are you on shift?

The text popped up on Buck's phone and he couldn't help smiling at it. He didn't hear from May as much since she'd started college, but she has been checking in more since the lightning.

Not today, Buck responded. What's up?

His phone lit up with May's face as he was alerted that he had an incoming video call. He immediately accepted. 

"Why were you being weird Saturday night?" May asked before he could even say hello.

Buck did a wonderful impression of a fish as he stared wide-eyed at May. He nervously licked his lips before he asked, "What do you know about Saturday night?"

"Eddie texted me to ask if I knew why you were acting weird."

"Why would he ask you that?"

"That's what I said!" May exclaimed. 

"And it took you a week to follow up with me?"

May rolled her eyes. "I had classes.  And study groups. And homework. So much homework."

"Well, Eddie and I have talked since then and he now knows why I was acting weird," Buck said, hoping to end this conversation. It wasn't that he didn't want May to know about Tommy. He actually kinda wanted to shout from the roof to tell everyone about him.

"...and?" she prompted. 

Buck took a moment to decide if he wanted to tell her. He hadn't told Bobby yet, but he could trust May not to gossip. If he asked her not to, at least.

He took a deep breath and let it out slowly before answering. "When I saw Eddie, I was on a date. With a man. But I was caught off guard and reacted badly."

"Since when do you date men?" May asked. 

"Since Saturday," Buck said, wincing slightly.

"OMG, was he your bi-awakening?" May squealed, excitedly.

"I suppose you could call it that," Buck admitted. "He kissed me the Thursday before our date and it felt like the whole world came into focus." He could feel himself grinning like an idiot as he remembered the kiss.

"How far down the research hole did you fall after?" 

"Not very, if you can believe it."

"I'm having trouble believing that," May teased.

"I know, it's very not me. Then again, so is being into men." He paused to think about what he'd just said. "Although, I guess that is me, now."

While he'd been speaking, May was obviously looking something up on her phone. 

"In that case, go watch this," a text with a link popped up for a trailer, "and then call me back."

Buck clicked on the link after May hung up on him and watched the clip about two teenage boys in England falling for each other - one was gay and the other was bi. Apparently it was based on a graphic novel. 

As soon as Buck finished watching he called May back. "How did I not know about this?"

"Because you weren't seeking out queer YA shows?" May suggested. "But you should watch. The episodes are only like half an hour each."

"I guess I know how I'm spending the rest of my day."

Buck watched May look away briefly and bit her lip before meeting his eyes again. "Want some company while you watch?"

Buck blinked back the sudden moisture in his eyes. 

"Yeah, I think I'd like that."

"I can be there in an hour. With ice cream," she said.

"I'll be here."

"I'll see you soon," May said before ending the call.

Buck stared at the phone for a minute, moved by May's offer to share this show, which she obviously enjoyed, with him.

~~*~~

Buck was sitting at the kitchen table when there was a knock on the door 58 minutes after he'd hung up with May. Now that May was going to introduce him to this show about a bi-awakening, as she'd called it, he was curious about what else was out there. 

He'd found the expected "Could I be gay?" quizzes, but he already knew the answer to that question. He still loved women, but he was also definitely attracted to men. Which made him bisexual, or pan, but he thought bisexual was the right word for him.

He went to open the door and May was grinning at him as she held up the bag with ice cream in it. 

"You know, I don't think I've ever actually been here before," May said as Buck held the door open for her. "This is nice."

Buck blinked as he closed the door and realized that she was right. "Well then, it's about time. It's a loft so the tour will be quick. This is the kitchen, bathroom is over there," he pointed to a closed door next to the stairs, "bedroom is in the loft, and living room is this way." He led her through to the room in question.

May took the ice cream out of the bag and noticed that Buck had already set out a couple of spoons and glasses of water. The show was pulled up on the TV, just waiting for them.

As she made herself at home on the couch with one of the pints of ice cream, May said, "So, tell me more about this guy that turned your world upside down."

Buck felt his cheeks heating up as he settled next to her with the other pint. "Well, Tommy's a firefighter with Harbor. A pilot. He's actually the one that flew us to rescue your mom and Bobby."

"Hold up," May said, sitting up from her slouch and holding out her hand. "You don't mean Tommy Kinard?" 

"Uh, yeah," Buck confirmed. 

"Damn, Buckley. He's fine," May said. "I mean, he's old enough to be my dad, but damn."

Buck felt his face flush again as he couldn't help but agree. "Yeah, he is." 

"So how did you go from him helping to rescue Mom and Bobby to him kissing you?" May asked as she settled back.

"Well, uh, I guess both Eddie and I wanted to get to know Tommy better after he helped with the rescue. Those two started spending a lot of time together and I guess I got kinda jealous. Like Eddie was replacing me? But also because he was spending all this time with Tommy. Things got a little out of hand at this pickup basketball game and I got Eddie hurt. Later that night Tommy came over to tell me that he wasn't trying to come between me and Eddie and I told him that I just really wanted to get to know him better. That trying to get his attention was exhausting and then he kissed me." 

Buck took a big bit of ice cream after he finished word vomiting all over May. 

"Wow," she said. "That was a lot."

"Oh, and after making sure I was okay with the kiss he asked me out for Saturday."

"And you didn't spiral after that kiss?" May asked. "That seems like something that would cause you to spiral."

"Yeah, I was kinda surprised about that myself," Buck admitted. "But it was more like a puzzle piece finally turning the right way to fit in a hole in a larger puzzle. Everything just felt right. Settled in a way that I've never been in my life before." 

"That sounds wonderful," May said, in awe.

"It is. Of course then Eddie and Marisol showed up at the restaurant Tommy took us to on Saturday and I was so surprised that I went all dudebro and told Eddie we were just two guys hanging out and were gonna go pick up some hot chicks later."

"You. Did. Not."

"Oh, I did. Tommy was not amused and instead of going to a movie after dinner he got an Uber home by himself. Just left me in front of the restaurant."

"Can't say I really blame him," May said. 

"Neither could I. But I told Eddie and he convinced me to call Tommy. Luckily he agreed to meet me for coffee and I invited him to be my date at Maddie's wedding."

May's eyes widened. "You're bringing him as your date to your sister's wedding? Way to come out to everyone at once."

Buck shrugged. "This is who I am. It shouldn't matter if I want to bring a man as my date instead of a woman. I'm happy and that's all that should matter. If anyone has a problem with that, that's on them, not me."

"I am loving this attitude," May said. "And you're right. It doesn't matter."

"Just, uh, I haven't told Bobby yet, so for now can you not say anything? I'd rather he find out with everyone else."

"Of course. So just me and Eddie know?"

"Maddie knows, too. It was kind of an accident, but she does know. I let the pronoun slip when I was talking about my interrupted date to her."

"How'd she take the news?"

"You know Maddie, she was totally supportive. Surprised, but supportive. Eddie, too."

"And now me," May said. "Thank you for sharing this with me."

"Thank you for sharing this," he gestured to the television, "with me."

"Is that your way of telling me you're talked out?" May teased.

"Yes, but I also want to see this show," Buck said.

"Then let's watch. It's been a while since I did a re-watch," May said. 

"How many times have you seen it?" Buck asked.

"A couple," May answered. "It's a really sweet story. Lots of good queer representation."

"Is this your way of trying to tell me something?" Buck tentatively asked.

"No, I just like watching all kinds of love stories, not just heterosexual ones," May said. "But thank you for asking."

"Anytime," Buck said. 

He grabbed the remote and hit play.

Link to trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FrK4xPy4ahg

[jyndor]

this is for people in the rest of the world who feel like they don't know what to do to help.

fyi activism can take many forms! I work on saturdays and I have clients so I can't just cancel on them last minute for a rally that I have no way to get to, which made me feel really horrible at first but then I remembered that I have clients! I have clients who value what I say and respect my opinions and want to hear what I think about things, and who ask me about various political shit all the time because I've learned how to talk about shit with people throughout my life in a way that doesn't turn them off. I've spent a lot of time educating clients on palestine (when appropriate ofc because I'm not trying to get into a shouting match with someone while I'm waxing their butthole). I know a lot of people in local politics who are so amazing and do so much more than I could ever do, and have made sure they know if they need a body to be on the ground, I'll try to be there but they do in fact need to give me a fair bit of time to make plans. I can't just always be on the ground like I used to be when I was young.

is it enough? no nothing will ever be enough but that's why there's strength in numbers. someone else to fill the spot you leave. in the future I want to offer my services for fundraisers, and I wish I could go be in a march on a random saturday, but I know it takes all kinds. some people have money that they can put to bail funds and mutual/humanitarian aid. some people have access to lots of people who may not otherwise be engaged or educated on issues. some people are able to get arrested on a random saturday. others have their labor/skills: legal representation, cooking and providing water, journalism, technological logistical internet stuff, organizing, making art and literature and posters and things, etc. it takes all kinds. I want to offer up my services for fundraisers in the future because my labor is one thing I've got that I can rely on.

and not everyone is going to be an activist. I do not consider myself an activist at this time in my life, although I was one when I was younger. I will be one again in the future. allies actually do make up the difference.

btw to the people who can show up for protests and sit ins and stuff, thank you. I imagine that for every one of you, there's several of us who aren't able to make it.

I'd love to hear from you guys! how do you help out the causes you care for?

one final note: activists do in fact get burnt out. it's a normal thing that happens. what actual activists don't do is whine about activism fatigue on social media. they take the time they need to regroup and get back into the shit without a fuss. because they understand the stakes.

one thing palestinians are asking of us is that we don't act like they're already gone, like there is no hope. we need to know in our hearts that one day, palestine will be free so like... maybe don't moan about how emotionally draining it is to keep up with this on social media. it's literally the opposite of what they want from us. the least we can do is keep hope.

there's been a shift. I feel it for the first time in the 16 years since I learned about palestine as a teenager, and I'm not the only one who feels this way. keep hope and know that one day palestine will be free.

[thefatedthoughtofyou]

I'll Keep You (My Dirty Little Secret)

Ao3

Summary: Steve buys weed from Eddie, cuz he's the best. To be honest, he's the only person their age Steve knows to buy from. Somedays he stays and smokes with Eddie. And then one day, Eddie's big mouth makes an off handed comment and things... change. For better or worse, remains to be seen.

Word Count: 12,891

Warnings: THIS FIC IS EXPLICIT!!! 18 + ONLY!! MINORS NO NOT INTERACT!!! anal fingering, anal sex, hand jobs, dirty talk... would be one.. maybe. Idk. See the ao3 link for more details. MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!!

One day, they're sitting in Eddie's bedroom in the middle of the afternoon on a Saturday, smoking whatever weed Eddie had deemed worthy of King Steve. And they talk, sometimes, when they do this, have been smoking together off and on for about a year now. And Steve's complaining about something, being a little whiney. And Eddie just snorts as he literally whines about something and kicks at the bed and Eddie says,

"Jesus. You need to get fucked." And he takes a long drag before moving to hand the joint to Steve, who scoffs at him as he takes it, a little red around the ears as their fingers brush.

"I fuck. I can have any girl I want, haven't you heard?" And Eddie gives him credit. He at least sounds... self depreciating, like he knows those words are just high school bullshit. Like he doesn't believe them. Like maybe he wished people wouldn't say that shit about him. But that's not what Eddie said. Eddie lets his head fall back against the headboard, lets it fall to the side so he can watch Steve take a drag.

"That's not what I said." Eddie says. Smiles hazily when Steve turns to him slowly.

"Huh?" Is all he gets. Eddie motions with two fingers for Steve to pass it back, noting how Steve's eyes linger on his hand.

"I said you need to get fucked. Not fuck. There's a difference." His voice is flat, he takes another drag. The last one they're getting outta this one, and stubs the rest out in the ashtray on his nightstand.

Steve is staring at him. Much more red around the ears than he'd been before. Eddie just lets his head fall to the side again, watching him.

"Wha- you- I'm not- I mean I don't..." He's staring into his lap, face bright red. Eddie smiles to himself, he's so cute when he's embarrassed.

"Aww c'mon Harrington. You've never even thought about it? As much time as you spend around naked dudes in the locker room? Not once?" Eddie's teasing now, waiting for Steve to storm off, or to punch him. Maybe both. He's high, he wouldn't mind either one right now. He feels good, and riling Steve up is one of his favorite pass times.

But Steve's doesn't do either of those things. He just, glares at Eddie, flushes another shade darker, Eddie's pretty sure smoke's about to start coming out of his ears. So Eddie laughs, a small thing and bumps his shoulder into Steve's, says,

"C'mon man. I'm just fuckin with you." And shakes his head, rolls his eyes, gives Steve a break and looks away from him. But then Steve speaks, in the smallest, most unconvincing, voice Eddie has ever heard him use.

"That's not why I play sports." It's barely above a whisper. Eddie looks back at him, his head lifting a little, Steve's hands are worrying at the blanket on Eddie's bed, one knee pulled up to his chest now, and fuck, he looks so small. What the fuck just happened? Eddie clears his throat awkwardly, sits up a little, angles himself toward Steve a bit.

"Yeah? You sure?" Eddie asks, pushes, genlty. He shouldn't, probably, but he's never been good with impulse control. And then Steve is glaring at him again. Eyes full of fire, and Eddie sees his hand clenching, knows what that usually means so he keeps talking.

"Cuz if it was... or if- if you did... want that? I could probably help you out. Ya know. Teach you some stuff. I mean I'm not an expert or anything but... I don't know man you seem really uptight." He shrugs, tries to play it off.

Cuz he'd just fucking offered to what? Have sex with Steve Harrington?? Because what? He'd had a moment of sad, gay, puppy eyes, and Eddie was a goddamn softie at heart? And Eddie could trust himself to never tell a soul about it. And he knew Steve wouldn't say a word. Not ever. To anyone. And Eddie moves, slowly, toward the edge of the bed, ready to dodge, or run, if needed.

But Steve just fucking looks at him. Stares at him. His big browns eyes locked on Eddie, and Eddie can't fucking read him, not even when he's high, Steve is so fucking guarded. But right now? Steve's a fucking open book. His eyes are goddamn pleading with Eddie. And Eddie can practically fucking hear him, begging in his head, 'make this easy for me. Please.'

And Eddie's a gentleman, so he fucking does. Because he's also a goddamn idiot. Taking his life into his fucking hands here. Well, putting it into Steve's hands, really.

"We can't do it today. There's stuff you gotta like... do." He waves his hand at Steve, pauses, Steve doesn't interrupt, his eyes widen, Eddie swears he fucking nods, like he's listening, telling Eddie to keep talking. Eddie huffs, his hands shaking as he stands.

"I'll write it down. You can, do it before you come over next time and I'll- I mean we can... just do this, and I'll see you next time. Okay?" He finishes in a rush, folds the paper three times and shoves it at Steve, he'd followed Eddie off the bed, hovered behind him as he wrote.

Steve slides the paper into his pocket gently.

"Don't let anyone see that." Eddie warns, pointing at Steve's pocket. Steve nods quickly. Starts digging around in his other pocket for his wallet. Eddie grabs his wrist, cringes at the way Steve flinches a little and freezes.

"Forget it man. It's on the house. Just... I'll see you next time." Eddie lets go of him, waves him toward the door. Steve has one foot through the front door when he stops. Eddie swallows, hard, stares at him until he talks.

"Next week?" Steve asks, his voice small, Eddie opens his mouth to answer but Steve keeps talking.

"Or can I come sooner? If I- I don't... what if I change my mind?" He stammers, his eyes on the wall behind Eddie. And Eddie's heart is pounding but he fucking feels for this guy. So he walks closer, slowly, puts his hand over Steve's on the door handle, something in his chest rumbling when Steve doesn't pull away.

"You can come back whenever you want. Just not Thursdays. I have band practice. Okay?" Eddie moves his thumb over Steve's skin. Steve fucking smiles at him, and nods.

"Whenever I want but not Thursday." Steve repeats. Eddie nods.

"Good boy." He hadn't meant to say it. It just sort of... slipped. But he's so fucking glad he did. Steve makes a little noise in his throat and takes a stumbling step backwards, Eddie catches his wrist right before he tumbles down the stairs on the porch. Steve's free hand clutches at Eddie's shirt before he mutters a quick 'thanks' and bolts for his car. The tips of his ears are bright red and Eddie watches him drop his head in his hands quickly, rubbing at his face before he turns his key and speeds away. Eddie can't help the smile on his face when the guy fucking waves at him through the window as he leaves.

Eddie walks back inside, throws himself facedown on his bed, his arms wrapping around his pillow and pulling it against his face.

"WHAT THE FUCK!?!" he screams it, as loud as he can, into said pillow, before he rolls onto his back. His hand resting on his chest, fingers drumming nervously as he replays whatever the fuck just happened.

"What the fuck?" He whispers to himself. What the fuck was he thinking.

~°~

Steve comes back the next day. Eddie hears his car pull up about 2 hours after he gets home from school. He peeks through the blinds and watches as Steve climbs awkwardly out of his car, his steps stumbling as he walks to the door. Eddie bites his lip, fighting a smile, and ducks down under the window when Steve starts up the stairs.

"Fuck." He whispers, a small amount of panic setting in. This was fucking happening. This was his fucking life now. He thanks his lucky stars that Wayne had odd shifts this week because other wise he'd have been sleeping in the living room. His thoughts are racing, and then Steve knocks. And his mind clears, for a brief fraction of a second his brain is just 'Steve'.

He opens the door too fast, Steve startles a step backwards.

"Sorry." Eddie grimaces. Steps aside.

"Enter." He says, giving Steve a little bow, Steve's forhead crinkles between his eyebrows but he steps inside awkwardly. Eddie shuts the door, gently, and locks it. His hands are sweating. He brushes them against his jeans and nods toward his room.

He shuts that door too. And locks it. Just to be safe. Then he twists his blinds shut and turns on just the small lamp on his desk, not sure either of them could handle this in the full light of day. Steve is standing awkwardly next to the bed, his face is turning red already and Eddie really wants to smile. Maybe even laugh. He's having a hard time believing he's causing that reaction in the King of Hawkins High.

"I did everything you said." Steve offers into the silence that's so rare in Eddie's room. And Eddie smiles then, really can't help it.

"Oh yeah. That explains the funny walk then." He crosses his arms, Steve shoves at his shoulder, his cheeks burning crimson.

"Shut up. I wasn't walking funny." He mumbles, wrapping his arms around himself. Eddie sways into his space.

"You were though. And if you weren't, you will be." He says, and once again his mouth is miles ahead of his fucking brain. He definitely hadn't meant to say that. Steve was gaping at him now, hands fisted in his jacket at his ribs.

"Sorry. I didn't mean to say that. I just- it's gonna be... I mean it'll feel different. After. Ya know?" Eddie grimaces again, wiping at his face with a sigh.

"Should I take my clothes off?" Steve asks, straight to the point. Eddie laughs humorlessly, shrugs, his hands flailing at his sides.

"I mean, it couldn't make it worse." He says, shrugging out of his own jacket as Steve shrugs out of his.

Eddie watches Steve yank his shirt over his head, and a few moments later they're both naked. Awkwardly so. Both of them standing there covering themselves, glancing at each other. Eddie takes a deep breathe and remembers he needs to take the lead here. Steve came to get fucked. Because of Eddie's big fucking mouth.

"You can lay down. On your stomach, probably best." Eddie points to the bed, finally letting go of himself and walking to the edge of it, his cheeks flush when Steve's eyes linger on him for a long moment.

He's worries he's not... big enough. Steve's dick is definitely bigger than his. But not by much. Okay maybe a few inches. And then Eddie's worrying he's not gonna be good enough. Talked a big game and doesn't even have enough in his pants to back it up. But the one or two other guys he'd been with hadn't complained. Not to his face anyway.

He gives Steve a tight smile and then nearly fucking passes out when Steve lowers himself onto the bed, his hips resting at the edge, his knees don't quite reach the floor so he's holding himself up awkwardly on his toes. And Eddie wants so badly to leave him that way, just tense and awkward and waiting for Eddie, but he can't. Not for Steve's first time. So he grabs his pillows, folds them in half and shoves them under Steve's knees. Steve gasps when Eddie's hand rests on his lower back for a moment, Steve's skin his hot. And Eddie's eyes can't stop fucking raking over his back, moles and freckles scattered everywhere, Eddie wants them in his mouth. And fuck, this is such a bad idea.

"That better?" Eddie asks, his voice quiet. Steve nods, his hands clenching in Eddie's sheets.

"Yeah, thanks." He sounds breathless already. And Eddie's only touched him once, innocently, because he'd nearly fallen over. Eddie nods, walks around to stand behind Steve, and he'd been trying so hard not to stare at his ass. Even though Steve was fucking baring it for him. Just, laying there, ready to take Eddie.

Eddie's fingers itch, twitching at his sides. His hands move, slowly, reaching out, his fingers nearly touching the skin of Steve hip when something occurs to him. He freezes, fingertips so fucking close to getting what they want.

"You don't have a girlfriend do you?" Eddie asks, his chest aching, begging, pleading, for Steve to say no.

"What?" Steve breathes, his voice muffled into Eddie's bed, he pushes himself up, onto his elbows, and looks back over his shoulder at Eddie. And fuck, if that's not the best sight Eddie's ever fucking seen. He gulps, knows he must look like an idiot, standing there behind Steve. His dick hard, hands reaching out to Steve, but not touching yet, he has the sense to drop his hands at least, when Steve looks at him.

"A girlfriend? You don't have one? I mean, I don't mind being a side piece. But the main piece needs to know about it, ya know?" Eddie moves his hands to his hips, narrowing his eyes at Steve, looking at him sternly.

"No. I don't have a girlfriend. I go out... with girls, sometimes. But not- no." Steve shakes his head, bites his lip. But Eddie believes him. He bites his own lip then, but nods,

"Okay. Lay back down. Try to relax." He tells Steve this, is also sort of talking to himself. Steve nods, does as he told. And Eddie finally looks down, bites into his lip harder at the sight of Steve's ass right in front of him. He wants to get on his knees and fucking worship this ass. But he's pretty sure licking into Steve the first time might be a little too much for the guy.

So he settles his hands onto Steve's hips gently, his eyes tracing over Steve's shoulders when they tense at the touch, his skin warm under Eddie's fingers, but he can feel the goosebumps rising under his fingers as he moves them down, toward Steve's pert little ass. He takes a deep breath, willing himself not to fucking come just from touching the guy. It's not like he's a walking fucking wet dream or anything.

Eddie shakes his head, moves his thumbs, presses them into the flesh of Steve's ass and pulls, just a little, just enough to see what he wants. And Steve whines, his shoulders bunching again.

"You gotta relax." Eddie whispers, his hands soothing back up, moving slowly up Steve's back.

"I- I'm trying. It's weird." Steve grunts. Eddie stops. Takes his hands away.

"We don't have to." He says, simple, easy. Giving Steve an out. Steve's on his back in seconds, looking up at Eddie, and his cock is hard against his stomach, it looks almost painful. And Eddie wills his mouth not to water, because Steve is looking up at him with those fucking eyes.

"You don't want to?" And he sounds... goddamn he sounds fucking sad, about it.

"That's not what I said. You just- you're very tense." Eddie shakes his head, waves his hand in Steve's general direction.

"I'm just..." Steve trails off, sits up, covers himself the best he can.

"What? Seriously. It's fine if you don't wanna do this. I get it." Eddie offers another out, not sure if he wants Steve to take it or not.

"I'm just not used to like... diving right in." Steve says, his hand moving between them awkwardly, his eyebrows and nose scrunching, and fuck Eddie has got to stop looking at that adorable shit.

"Diving... right in." Eddie repeats slowly.

"Yeah man. I'm used to like... kissing and touching and stuff. And then...the sex. This is just... I don't know it feels awkward?" Steve explains, sighing and falling back onto the bed with a groan. Eddie bites his lip and sits next to Steve on the edge of the bed. Their hips press together and Eddie fights off the shiver that the touch of Steve's skin evokes.

"Sooooo..." Eddie draws, glancing down at Steve's hands covering his cock.

"You wanna kiss me?" Eddie finishes, eyebrow cocked as he looks down at Steve, his focus moving from his hands to his face. Steve's eyes open and he sits up, looks into his lap and then scrunches his nose and looks at Eddie.

"Maybe? Would that make it weird?" Steve asks, and Eddie has to fucking laugh. Steve drops his eyes back to his lap, looking embarrassed as Eddie's laughter rings through the room.

"Dude. I was about to fucking finger you. And you think kissing would make it weird?" He elaborates, shaking his head, eyes widening when Steve's eyes snap to his face.

"You were about to-" Steve cuts off, his chest going red now.

"Well, yeah, man. Gotta make sure you're comfortable first. I wasn't just gonna..." he makes a lewd motion with his hands that has Steve barking a laugh, one hand jumping to cover his mouth. Eddie makes a 'yeah' face, and looks into own lap, realizing his own fucking cock is still hard and just fucking, out in the open, he covers himself. Pressing his lips together in an awkward smile before looking back up to find Steve staring at him.

"So kissing won't be weird?" Steve asks again. Eddie shrugs.

"I mean yeah. It'll be weird. Cuz you're Steve Harrington, and I'm me. And the other guys I've been with, which is like, two, by the way, I'm not some kind of sex god or anything. Just- they weren't very touchy feely and I made it seem like I could fuck you. Like it was just a fucking. So that's what I was trying to do." Eddie rambles, shoves his face into his hands and groans.

"So yes kissing will be weird. But if you need to kiss me, before I fuck you, then that's- I want you to be comfortable. At least... ya know... until... I don't know." Eddie groans again and falls backwards. What the fuck was he thinking? That he could just, what? Give Steve Harrington a good fucking and move on with his life. Not a fucking chance.

The bed dips beside him, and he feels Steve's fingers on his chin, he squeezes his eyes shut, tight, and Steve's fingers falter, then keep moving. They move up over Eddie's cheeks, over and down the bridge of his nose, lightly over his eyelids and across his eyebrows. Steve's fingers move over his face, until his hand is cupping Eddie's cheek, his thumb resting on Eddie's bottom lip. Then, only then, does Eddie open his eyes.

"Hi." Steve breathes, he's smiling down at Eddie, and Eddie's not sure his fucking heart can take that look. Not from Steve. His chest his pressed into Eddie's shoulder as he leans over him, impossibly close.

"If you don't want me to kiss you I won't. But, and I don't mean to brag-"

"Yes you do." Eddie huffs, smirking back at Steve when his lips curl. Steve tilts his head, a little 'yeah maybe' look crossing his features.

"But I'm very good at it. Kissing I mean." He leans closer, his hair falling onto his forehead as he presses into Eddie's space, and when had he fucking lost control of this situation???

"Just like I'm sure you're very good at fucking." Steve whispers, his breath ghosting over Eddie's lips.

"I don't about- mmpf." Eddie's mumbles are cut off by Steve's mouth. He presses his lips to Eddie's, softly, too soft. Much to soft for what this is supposed to be.

So Eddie steels himself, moves his hand to the side of Steve's face, shoves his hand up into Steve's hair and deepens the kiss. He licks into Steve's mouth hungrily, growls in his throat when Steve whines into his mouth, his hips pressing into Eddie's thigh, looking for friction, and Eddie smirks against Steve's lips. He can give him friction.

Eddie flips Steve, pushes him down into the matress as he settles on top of him, moves his hands down Steve's sides and hikes his thighs up around Eddie's waist. Steve clutches at Eddie's back, tries to pull him closer. Eddie grabs Steve's wrists and pins them above his head.

"Hi." Eddie says, pulling away from Steve's mouth, a string of spit hanging between them, Steve's pupils are blown, his pretty brown eyes almost black now.

"Hi." Steve breathes back, he's almost panting underneath Eddie. Eddie smiles, licks Steve's lips with a moan and then looks down at him.

"I'm gonna finger you now. And then I'm gonna fuck you." He tells Steve, matter of fact. And Steve's hips jump up into him as Steve nods enthusiastically, his wrists fighting Eddie's hold on him.

"Yeah. Yes. Please." Steve says, fucking whines. His hips rolling against Eddie's.

Eddie leans over, lets go of Steve's wrists and reaches for his nightstand, grabs his lube and a condom. He places the corner of the condom packet between Steve's lips.

"Hold that for me. You drop it. I don't give you what you want." Steve's teeth clamp down on the foil but Eddie doesn't let go.

"I mean it. You drop that. I'm not fucking you. Got it?" Eddie asks, giving the packet a little tug, Steve's jaw clenches, his teeth hold it tight.

"Good boy." Eddie does it on purpose this time, relishes in the way Steve flushes, his hips roll into Eddie again and he smirks down at Steve as he whimpers around the condom packet in his mouth. Eddie pops the top on his lube and gets two fingers covered before he drops the bottle next to them and lowers his hand between them. He holds himself up a bit with one hand, hovering over Steve.

"If it hurts you can tell me to stop. Okay?" Eddie says, seriously, looking into Steve's eyes. Steve nods, once, firmly. Eddie nods back and slips one finger into him.

The sound Steve makes goes straight to Eddie's cock, it twitches against the back of Steve's thigh as Steve writhes beneath him, his eyes squeezed shut tight, jaw clamped shut as his teeth hold the packet between them tightly. He pushes his finger as deep as he can, rutting his own hips down as Steve pushes up into him. Steve's lips close over the packet as he moans and presses his ass down, trying to get Eddie deeper.

"Jesus. You're so fucking needy." Eddie groans, pressing his second finger to Steve's hole, gently nudging it next to the first. Steve's eyes snap open, his fingernails digging into Eddie's shoulder. He whines, his hip stuttering but still pushing down onto Eddie's finger as he moans,

"Please." As best he can around the packet in his mouth. And as good as he's being Eddie wants to fucking hear him, wants to fucking taste him. He drops himself onto Steve, his hand reaching for the packet, his fingers clamp onto it but Steve bites down harder.

"Fuckin let go of it. I wanna fuckin hear you." Eddie growls. Steve doesn't let go. Levels his gaze with Eddie, and fucking smirks. Eddie breathes out a laugh, his cheeks dimpling as he smiles down at Steve, lowers himself a little more.

"Oh you wanna play games?" Eddie asks, his voice low. Steve eyes widen as he looks up at Eddie but he grinds his hips down, deliberately, and nods, his teeth pulling on the packet clamped between Eddie's fingers.

"Okay pretty boy. You wanna be a brat? You wanna play? We can play." Eddie smirks right back at the little shit, and does three things at once, he grinds his hips down against Steve's cock, presses his teeth against Steve's neck, and slips his second finger into Steve nice and deep.

"Ah ah! Fuck! Fuckfuckfuck!" Steve lets the packet go, breathes out his words like a mantra into Eddie's shoulder as he pulls his fingers out of Steve and then shoves them back in. Eddie drops the condom next to them and moves his mouth up Steve's neck, making his way to his mouth.

Steve is panting and writing, his hips stuttering with every move of Eddie's wrist. Eddie licks into his mouth as his fingers brush that perfect spot inside Steve and Steve fucking claws at him, one hand dropping to Eddie's wrist, pulling his hand closer, sinking his fingers deeper.

"Oh fuck. Eddie right there. Holy shit. Nnnnhh!" His voice goes high as he whines into Eddie's neck.

"Yeah? Right there? That's what you want?" Eddie presses deeper, harder, his fingers curling just so. He'd decided something when Steve wanted to play dirty.

"Gonna make you cum on my fingers sweetheart. Then I'm gonna fuck you til all you can say is my name." Eddie groaned, pressing his hips down harder, his cock pressed so perfectly against Steve's burning skin. Steve's fingers on his wrist clench hard as Eddie flicks his wrist just so, hitting that spot over and over.

"Yesyesyesyes Eddie please I need it!" Steve's almost yelling now.

"I know baby. I know." Eddie hums, licks back into Steve's mouth, in time with the thrusts of his fingers, the twin movements make Steve squim beneath, his teeth sink into Eddie's shoulder as he cums on Eddie's fingers, moans into Eddie's mouth as his hands tug and pull Eddie closer.

Steve goes limp beneath him, both of them panting into each others mouths.

"Fuck. Fuck. Jesus christ." Steve pants, trying to steady his breathing.

"Just fuckin wait." Eddie pants back, his head resting against Steve's for only a moment before he slips his fingers out of Steve and pushes himself up. Steve grabs at him, tries to pull him back down. Eddie swats his hands away easily, grabs the condom packet and tears it open with his teeth.

"Un uh. Told you. You wanted to play games. Remember?" He rolls the condom on with shakey hands, Steve's eyes widen as Eddie grabs his hips and flips him over, he shoves at Steve's thighs as Steve scrambles to find purchase in Eddie's sheets. He ends up tugging one of Eddie's pillows up under his chest, tucking his face into it as Eddie moves his hips against Steve's ass, his cock moving over Steve's hole, the tip catching and then sliding past, making Steve's hips jump, pressing into the matress.

Eddie grabs the lube, fills his palm and moves his hand over himself, pumping his cock a few times before lining himself up. He bends over Steve, his hand planted beside him, holding himself up, his head resting between Steve's shoulder blades.

"You ready pretty boy? Hm? Ready to get fucked?" Eddie asks, biting into his lip so hard he tastes copper.

"Mhmm!" Steve whines into Eddie's pillow. Eddie nods against his back, moves his hand to Steve's hips, holding him down as he slips his cock into him. All the way into him, in one thrust. His hips hit Steve's ass and he moans so loud Eddie's sure the neighbors had to have heard it. It makes him wanna hear it again.

So he pulls out and then shoves back in, his thighs trembling as he holds himself together. Steve whines this time, his hands reaching back, reaching for Eddie. And fuck he feels so good around Eddie's cock, who is he to deny him. He reaches for him, tangles his fingers with Steve's, shoves Steve's hands up above his head, their fingers still tangled, and he fucks into him, hard.

His hips grind down over and over, Steve making sweet little sounds with every thrust, Eddie grunting into his shoulder as he holds Steve down with his body. His skin feels like fire where he's touching Steve, which is nearly fucking everywhere. He moves one hand down, under Steve's knee, and pulls his leg up, yanks it up and hooks his elbow under it, then snaps his hips into Steve harder.

"Ah! Mmm!! Yes! Eddie! Eddie please!" Steve clutches at the sheets with one hand, his other still holding Eddie's, their fingers pressed so tight they're likely to bruise.

"Yeah. Right there?" Eddie asks, it's not a real question, his mind is fucking blank right now. Just a mindless loop of 'fuck and steve' over and over.

"Yeah yeah yeah right there! Eddie!" He whines his name, his hips grinding back onto Eddie's cock frantically as Eddie fucks him deeper into the matress.

"Yeah. Fuck. You feel so good Steve. Feel so fuckin perfect." He thrus6t down hard then, harder. The sound of their skin slapping together is absolutely obscene, and Eddie can't fucking get enough. He vaguely feels Steve nodding, hears him agree mindlessly as Eddie fucks into him, deeper and deeper as Steve begs him not to stop.

"Please please please! Fuck Eddie more please!" Steve begs, and Eddie's fucking eyes are gonna roll into the back of his head, he drops Steve's leg and props himself up, his hands braced on Steve's hips as he fucks him faster. His name falling loosely from Steve's lips over and over like Steve is living just to say it.

"Fucking christ. So good for me baby. Cum for me. Come on." Eddie thrusts his hips down hard, as Steve clenches down on him, both of them moaning as they cum. Steve's free hand scrambling backwards, grabbing at Eddie's hip best he can, trying to pull him closer, pull him deeper.

Eddie falls onto Steve with a grunt, Steve huffs underneath him, but doesn't try to move him. They lie there, panting together until their sweat starts to cool and Eddie rolls off of him. Pulling out of Steve with a wince as Steve hisses beneath him.

"Shit. Sorry." Eddie whispers, his hand moving over Steve's shoulders as he falls onto his back next to him. Steve shakes his head and Eddie pulls the condom off, ties it, and toss it into trashcan next to his bed.

He lets out a deep breath and pushes his sweaty bangs off his head, arms resting on his forhead.

"Jesus." Steve breathes next to him, rolling over with a wince. Eddie winces in sympathy,  looks down at Steve's softening cock and sees the fucking mess he'd made of Steve and feels his cock twitch. He sits up with a laugh, grabs his boxers off the floor and tugs them on.

"Be right back." He says, glaring down at his dick, willing it to chill the fuck out. He grabs a rag from the bathroom, lets the water get warm, and then pads back into his room. Steve is standing in the middle of the room, his shirt on, looking around the floor, for his pants and underwear, Eddie assumes.

"Oh. I uh... I got you this." He says, lamely, holding the rag out. The mess on Steve's stomach is gone. He takes the rag, his ears going red.

"Leaving already?" Eddie asks, trying to sound casual. Of couse he's leaving. He'd gotten what he came for you. Don't be a fucking idiot Munson. Little too late for that, but Eddie could be a little slow, just ask his teachers.

"Well I just- you got up, so I figured..." he trails off, lifting his shirt and wiping at his stomach though it's already clean. Eddie thinks he might have used the inside of his shirt. He tosses the rag back to Eddie with an awkward smile. Eddie catches it, wipes weakly at the mess on his sheets.

"Yeah. No. That's... Yeah. Probably for the best." Eddie mutters. His skin is itchy. And cold. Wants Steve's skin pressed against his again. Steve stops, his eyes linger on the floor before they land on Eddie again. He licks his lips, clearly about to say something. But Eddie doesn't let him, it's best he doesn't let him.

"Your pants are over there dude." He points behind Steve, to the piled up khakis.

"Shit. Thanks." Steve grabs them, angling himself away from Eddie as he bends to pick them up. And it hurts. Eddie knows it shouldn't. It was just a fuck. A really good fuck. Definitely the best Eddie's ever had, or been a part of, really. He rolls his eyes at himself and looks into his lap. Fidgeting with his rings as Steve gets dressed.

"Well uh... I should go." Steve says, quietly, as he lingers by Eddie's bedroom door.

"Yeah." Eddie nods.

"This has definitely surpassed your normal weed purchase time limit." He says, trying to tease, but his voice is tight. Steve must notice.

"Yeah." He sighs, rings his jacket in his hands before pulling it on.

"I'll- see you at school." Steve says, Eddie eyes snap to him and he sees the tail end of him cringing at his own words.

"Yeah. See you at school." Eddie echoes, flatly.

"Or ya know... next Saturday?" It's a question, and if Eddie's not going completely bananas, he thinks he sees hope in Steve's eyes. And his lips are curled up just enough, the ghost of a smile. Eddie licks his lips, his teeth sink into the tender skin and he nods.

"Okay. Saturday." He doesn't give Steve a full smile, tries not to give him one at all, but one must slip through because Steve smiles back, nods once, with finality, and leaves.

Eddie waits til he hears the door close and then he follows, runs to the window and watches Steve make his way to his fucking shiny expensive car. Eddie smirks to himself as he watches the waddle in Steve's step, the way he grimaces when he sinks in behind the wheel.

Eddie turns, leans against the door and groans, images of Steve in his bed flashing through his head. His cock twitches again and Eddie glares down at himself.

"This is all your goddamn fault. Ya know that?" He points accusingly at his own dick, huffs at himself, and stalks to the bathroom. He turns the water to cold, shoves his boxers down and steps in, squawking at the temperature.

"All your fuckin fault." He mutters again, shaking his head under the water, cursing himself as he beings to shiver.

~°~

It happens again on Saturday. And the Saturday after that. And the one after that. And one random Wednesday right before spring break.

Eddie never means for it to happen. Had just planned on the once. But Steve shows up, buys weed, and then ends up underneath Eddie chanting his name like a goddamn mantra and Eddie has clearly lost control of the situation. But it's fine. It's all completely fine. Steve stays after a few times, and they fucking cuddle, and talk, and it's... fine.

Until it's not.

Steve shows up one Saturday and knocks on the door, but when Eddie steps back to let him in, Steve steps back and down the steps, his fingers twisting together in front of him. Eddie's brow furrows, he crosses his arms over his chest, bracing, for whatever this is. Steve still doesn't say anything, so Eddie does what he does best, he opens his mouth.

"You're not pregnant are you?" He asks, his voice flat. And Steve, he fucking snorts, wipes at his mouth, shakes his head, sobers again. Eddie huffs, already annoyed by whatevers about to happen.

"Just say i-"

"I asked out Nancy Wheeler. We- we're going out on friday." Steve cuts him off. Eddie digs his nails into his ribs as hard as he can. Keeps his face neutral.

"Nancy Wheeler. You're upgrading." Eddie says, the joke is full of venom. Steve flinches a little, his brows creasing, and that used to be cute, Eddie wants to slap it off his face now.

"Eddie don't s-"

"You want your weed or not?" Eddie cuts him off, doesn't care what he was going to say. Steve looks startled.

"Oh. I uh... I guess, yeah." He stammers, takes a step closer.

"Forty five." Eddie holds out his hand. Steve's eyes widen as he takes out his wallet.

"Forty five? Last week it was like...fifteen." Steve laughs, but it's tense, and he hands Eddie forty five. Eddie smiles sweetly, grabs the bag of weed out of his pocket.

"Well last week you got the fuck me discount. This week, I'm the one getting fucked. So the price goes up." He tosses the weed at Steve and slams the door in his face.

He presses his back agaisnt the door hard, breathing heavy until he hears Steve's car pull away. He slams his head back once, hears Wayne's mugs rattle on the wall and steps away from the door.

"Fuckin idiot." He mutters, shuffling down the hall to his room, he walks through the door, eyes landing on his guitar.

"Just me and you again Sweetheart." He sighs, falling back onto his bed, he raises his hand into view.

"And just me and you." He lights a joint, takes a drag, sets it in the ashtray, and shoves his hand into his pants. If frustrated, angry, masturbation was a sport, Eddie's fuck walls would be decked out in medals. Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, depends who you ask, it was not a sport. And the only person who had to fucking deal with it, was Eddie. And maybe his sweetheart, but she didn't have eyes, she wasn't a part of this. Eddie dropped his arm over his face as his hand moved faster and faster, he groaned angrily as images of Steve floated behind his eyes.

"Fucking idiot." Eddie groaned again, cuming to the image of Steve underneath him, clawling at his hips to get him closer. He wipes his hand on his sheets with a huff and rolles over, covering his head with his pillow, hoping to maybe just disappear for awhile.

~°~

He sees him at school, off and on. But he doesn't come to Eddie for weed anymore. So Eddie ignores him. Takes Steve Harrington off his radar and never looks back.

He sees him with Nancy once. Watches him pick her up and kiss her and watches him smile into her neck. He definitely doesn't hide in the bathroom until the bell rings because he feels like he's gonna puke.

And then he hears whispers around school. Apparently that new asshole, Billy something, had kicked the shit out of Steve. Eddie's stomach twists when hears the jokes people make. But he doesn't see Steve at school, for almost three days. Just three days of rumors and shitty jokes and no Steve.

And then Eddie pulls up to the trailer after school to find the Beemer parked outside. Steve is leaning against the side of it, arms crossed, head down, hair hanging in his face.

He looks up when Eddie parks, dark sunglasses hiding his face. Eddie squeezes his steering wheel hard, once, to stop his hands shaking, and then he hops out of the van. He walks over to Steve slowly, scuffing his shoes in the loose gravel. Steve carefully takes off his sunglasses, tilts his head as Eddie looks at him.

Eddie makes a show of it, crosses his arms and leans forward, studying Steve's face before he whistles, long and slow as he straightens up again.

"You look like shit." Eddie says, clicking his tongue. The corner of Steve's mouth, the one that isn't bruised, tilts up.

"You should see the other guy." He jokes, emotionless. Eddie nods, eyes wide as he hugs himself.

"Oh I have. He's been at school." Eddie says, nods to the trailer and starts walking that way, hears Steve follow him, easy.

"Oh yeah? How's that been?" Steve asks, holding the screen door for Eddie as he shoves his key into the lock. Eddie swings the door open, pauses to look back at Steve.

"Well, he's an asshole. Sooo... How do you think it's been?" Eddie frowns, waves Steve inside.

"Right." Is all Steve says, his eyes wander around the trailer slowly, Eddie leans against the small kitchen divider.

"So... did you need something for the pain or...?" He trails off, his hand hovering in the air between them. Steve's eyes move slowly over to Eddie, he's got that lopsided smile going on again.

"Or?" He asks, brow furrowed dramatically as he crosses his arms. Was he... trying to be playful right now? Eddie huffed a laugh and shook his head.

"So why'd he beat you up? You say something mean about his car?" Eddie asks, ducking into the kitchen, away from that playful look in Steve's bruised eyes. Steve snorts, follows Eddie, but keeps his distance, nods when Eddie offers him a water.

"Naw. Nothin like that." Steve shakes his head, grimaces, rubs at his temple. Eddie frowns, reaches into the cabnet next to the sink and grabs a bottle of Tylenol. He pops two out, hands them to Steve.

"Here. So what was it then? Like, the dudes definitely got those crazy eyes, so what happened?" He does not shiver when his fingers brush against Steve's hand as he takes the pills.

"Thanks." He takes a drink of water, swallows, then rests against the counter next to Eddie.

"Uh. Ya know Max? His sister. Step sister. Little red head?" Steve asks, holds his hand up about where her head would go.

"Yeah. Yeah I think I've seen her around. Always has a skateboard?" Eddie asks, lifts himself up to sit on the counter. Steve nods, gently.

"That's her. Well she'd been hanging out with Lucas, I guess? And Billy had told her not to?" Steve shrugs, Eddie makes a face.

"Yeah. Anyway, she kept hanging out with him. Cuz Lucas is a nice kid. But apparently Billy's a big ol racist. And he found them together, I was babysitting. He started threatening Lucas, so I punched him. And then..." Steve waved his hand at his face.

"He kicked your ass." Eddie supplied, talking into his water bottle before he took a swig. Steve huffed a laugh and nodded.

"Yeah. That's... pretty much it." Steve sighs, shaking his head lightly.

"That's scary man. The kids okay?" Eddie asks, moving his hands slowly over his knees. Steve swallows, hard, looks at Eddie for a moment, like he wants to say something. And then the moments gone, and he just nods.

"Yeah. Yeah they're good. I honestly think Max scared the shit out of him good enough that he won't mess with them anymore at least." Steve smiles softly at the thought, and Eddie wonders what happened to him. Not the fight. But.. in the few years it's been. He's so different, smiling while talking about hanging out with kids.

"Well hey. At least chicks dig scars right?" Eddie tries for a joke, but his voice misses by a mile. Steve looks at him.

"Yeah. I guess. What about-" Steve bites his lip, shakes his head, looks away.

"What about what?" Eddie asks, head tilting, he leans forward a little, trying to see Steve's face where he's turned away.

"I was gonna say, what about you? But it... I dunno, seemed, rude?" He doesn't look at Eddie when he says it.

"Rude?" Eddie asks. Steve looks at him then.

"Yeah, cuz of... I dunno how I just sort of left, that day. And... we haven't spoken since." He shrugs, but his ears are going that deep red that Eddie refuses to admit that he's misses.

"Oooh oh oh okay yeah. Rude cuz you fucked me, vigorously, and then abandoned me for Nancy Wheeler without warning." Eddie says, his voice light.

"Ya know I'd forgotten all about that." Eddie flutters his eye lashes, and waves a hand at Steve, dismissing it. Steve laughs, a real laugh, and steps closer, into Eddie's space. Moves between Eddie's legs, his hands resting on his knees. Eddie's eyes flutter closed, he's so fucking warm. And fuck Eddie missed this, Steve touching him. Hell, he missed anyone touching him, hadn't touched anyone since Steve.

"I hadn't." Steve breathes, his nose bumping Eddie's, his hands moving slowly up Eddie’s thighs.

"No? You been thinkin about me Steve?" Eddie whispers, feels Steve's shakey breath as he shivers.

"Yeah. Little bit." Steve sighs, his hands moving to Eddie's waist, thumbs pressing up under his shirt to touch his skin. Eddie shivers now, his hands still on the counter top, knuckles white with effort to not reach out and touch Steve.

"Yeah? Even when you're with Nancy?" Eddie breathes, his nose brushing into Steve's cheek. Steve sighs, drops his head to Eddie's shoulder, but he nods.

"Sometimes. Not anymore." His hands squeeze at Eddie's waist.

"Not anymore?" Eddie asks, not anymore what? He doesn't think about Eddie anymore? Way to ruin the mood Eddie was refusing to engage in. Jeez. Steve lifts his head, looks at Eddie, his eyes roaming over his face, landing on his lips more than once, lingering.

"I think we're over. It's all bullshit." Steve says, his voice cracking, his lip trembles on the last word and then he's kissing Eddie. His mouth is hot, and adamant, and Eddie wants. But not like this. He lets Steve's teeth nibble at his bottom lip and then pulls away, his hands on Steve's shoulders, holding him back as he tries to chase after Eddie mouth.

"This isn't a good idea." Eddie whispers, his head resting on Steve's when he groans.

"I miss you." Steve says, Eddie can hear the tightness in his voice. Steve's trying not to cry. Eddie nods, his hands moving to cradle Steve's neck, he frowns.

"And I miss you. But," he takes a breath, pushes Steve away so he can see his face, look into his eyes.

"I'm not a back up Nancy Wheeler. Or a rebound fuck. Or... anything else that this could be. I don't wanna do that anymore." He frowns, drops his hands onto his knees. Steve's eyes are shining but he nods, sniffles, and turns away. Takes a deep breathe before he chugs the bottle of water Eddie had given him. Eddie hops down off the counter.

"But what I can, and will gladly do, is get you some good weed to take the edge off of all'uh that." He waves his hand around in front of Steve's face, gets a smile from him and feels a little lighter.

He hands Steve a baggie, watches him reach for his wallet and then look up Eddie, questioning.

"Twenty bucks." He says with a shrug. Steve smiles a soft smile and hands Eddie a twenty. Eddie goes to grab it but Steve holds it tight.

"What discount did I get today?" He asks, smirking. Eddie smiles at him, dimples flaring.

"Oh today? Today's the 'i feel sorry for you cuz your face got mangled by a racist' discount." Eddie wiggles his eyebrows and yanks the twenty away from Steve.

"Hmm. You give that one a lot?"

"Honestly, more often than you'd think, yeah. Rough town." Eddie answers with a straight face. Both of them smiling after a beat. Steve shaking his head and stepping toward the door.

"Thanks for this. And the pills." Steve nods, opens the door. Eddie gives him a low bow.

"Anytime. Always open to those in need." He tilts his head, rests his hands on his back as he walks toward Steve, holds the door as Steve opens the screen door. He's nodding, slowly, maybe to himself, Eddie can't tell.

He lets the screendoor fall shut slowly, stops at the bottom of the stairs and looks up at Eddie.

"I am sorry. About the way I handled that. Me and you. Ya know?" He shoves his hands into his pockets, one eye squinting against the sun as he looks up at Eddie.

"I appreciate that Steven. I'll run your apology by the counsel. Take a vote." He replies, leaning his head against the door. Steve rolls his eyes, puts his sunglasses carefully back on his face.

"You're so weird dude." He says, squinting still, through the glasses, as he opens his car door.

"But it's like, kinda charming right?" Eddie calls, hand on his hip.

"I mean... I guess. If you're into that." Steve cringes, but he's smiling by the time his butt hits the seat. He gives Eddie a little two finger salute as he pulls away. Eddie grinning to himself as he walks back to his room. He catches sight of himself in the mirror, past his sweetheart, big dopey smile on his face.

He's so fucked.

~°~

They still don't talk. Steve doesn't come by for more weed. Well, they'd talked once, when Eddie and Wayne had stopped by the mall, just to check it out. Eddie wanted to see the new record store, and the sweet tooth he and Wayne shared had required ice cream.

Eddie's brain had nearly short circuited, seeing Steve in those fucking shorts.

But Steve had also gone that pretty red color Eddie loved so much. It clashed terribly with his outfit but Eddie was gonna be day dreaming about it for months.

He'd been working with one Miss Buckley,  Eddie had band class with her last year. They'd been banned from sitting together their third week in, but they still snuck in good quality time when there were subs, or they had movie days. They were insufferable, Eddie missed her.

But apart from that, he doesn't see Steve much. A few times around town, but Eddie avoids the mall like the plague, opting for the small shops, dnd meetings, and band practice instead. But Steve doesn't show his face again. And Eddie tries not to be annoyed. He's the one who pushed Steve away after all.

And then the mall burns down.

And Steve Harrington shows up at his door two days later covered in bruises, and stitches. Asking very quietly, if he can come inside.

"Uh... yeah. Shit, yeah." Eddie steps back hurriedly, the rain falling outside soaking Steve's hair and jacket. Eddie watches him run his fingers through his wet hair after he hangs his jacket by the door. Steve looks around.

"Wayne at work?" Is all he says. He's... different. His hair is longer, but it's not that. His shoulders look heavy. And behind the bruises he looks tired. The kind of bone deep tired you don't get from a mall fire. Eddie nods, and then nods again, toward his room.

He stands in the doorway, leaning against it, and watches as Steve gingerly lowers himself to sit on the edge of Eddie's bed. He doesn't say anything. Just very carefully takes off his shoes.

"What the hell happened to you?" Eddie asks, not able to not say anything any longer. Steve sighs, deep, and looks up at Eddie.

"Mall fire." Is all he says, flatly. He pushes himself backwards, situats himself in Eddie's bed like he belongs there. Eddie nods, crosses his arms, and walks fowards.

"Bull. Shit. It was a mall fire. Have you seen your face?" He leans forward for emphasis.

"Yep. I have. But thank you for reminding me." Steve's voice is still flat. But he's not giving anything up, and it... is so annoying. Eddie feels his blood starting to boil, is about to start ranting about how Steve had just left, again, and never come back. And yes that was technically Eddie's fault, a little, but they had definitely flirted when he was leaving! And now he's here, just showed up looking like he'd been put through a meat grinder, and is acting annoyed at Eddie, who had kindly let him in out of the rain!

But Steve looks up at him before he can get started, his eyes wide, and tired, his hand reaches out, lifting off the matress slowly, palm up.

"Listen, I know I have no right to ask this, but could you just... sit with me? For awhile?" His fingers wiggle as his bottom lip trembles and Eddie can't stop himself from reaching out to him, taking his hand and sitting on the edge of the bed, leg tucked up under him as Steve absent-mindedly plays with his fingers, spinning Eddie's ring around and around, the same way Eddie does when he's nervous, or fidgety.

"Are you okay Steve?" His voice is quiet. Steve shrugs, doesn't say anything.

"Is... is Robin okay? The kids? Everybody?" He asks, he'd seen them all on the news, being packed into ambulances, before they stopped showing that footage. And Eddie wasn't stupid. He knows there's something else going. Something else going on in this town. But he doesn't ask that, doesn't think Steve could talk about it, even if he wanted to.

He shrugs again, his fingers shaking against Eddie's. Eddie covers his hand with his, holds it tight.

"Tell me what I can do? What do you need?" He crawls closer, his knees pressed up against Steve's thighs, his wants to brush the hair out Steve's face, but the ends look like they're stuck in some of the dried blood on his face and he doesn't wanna hurt him. Steve just shakes his head. His eyes have a far away look.

"Do you wanna take a shower?" Eddie asks, his eyes still on that dried blood on Steve's head.

"I uh... I don't know. I don't-" Steve trails off, his eyes moving finally, slowly, to Eddie.

"I don't know." He says again. Eddie nods, squeezes his hand.

"Okay. We're gonna get you a shower. Get some of this blood off. And then you can sleep. You can sleep here with me. Long as you want." His lip trembles as he helps Steve off the bed, but he bites his lip. Holds the burning sensation in his throat until they're under the spray of warm water.

Steve is covered in bruises, his back, his chest, his legs even. His skin is a fucking collage of bruising. Eddie washes him gently, doesn't use a rag. Just his hands. He soaps up Steve's hair, gently.

"Sorry it's not fancy shampoo. It's gonna ruin your beautiful mane." Eddie jokes, sniffling as he moves his fingers gently over Steve's scalp.

"S'fine. Smells good. Like you. N' it feels nice." Steve's eyes are closed. Until he hears Eddie sniffle again. Steve squints at him, through the soap and water, and grabs Eddie's wrists, moves his hands from his hair and wraps his arms around Eddie's waist. Pulls him close and then moves them both under the warm spray of water. Letting the soap run out of his hair, and down his back as they cling to each other.

"It's okay Ed's. I'm fine." He mumbles it into Eddie's shoulder, his lips soft against the skin there. Eddie holds him gently, trying not to squeeze him too tightly and hurt him.

"No it isn't. Look at you. I- what happened Steve?" His voice is high, almost a whine as it leaves his throat. Steve's hands move over his back.

"Shh. I'm okay. That's all that matters." Eddie tries to argue, tries to fight Steve on this, tell him it's not okay. But Steve kisses him. Deeply. Holds him close and kisses all of Eddie he can reach.

"Eddie will you-" his voice cuts off, his hips pressing into Eddie as he presses Eddie into the wall of the shower.

"Steve. No. You need to rest. Your heads all-"

"Eddie please." Steve begs, pulls away to look at him, with big sad eyes.

"I need to feel something good. You make me feel good. Please." Steve moves his hands to Eddie's waist, his fingers digging into the skin there.

"That's not fair." Eddie groans, his hands moving up over Steve's shoulders, his fingers moving nimbly around bruises. Steve ducks forward, his lips brushing Eddie's, wet and warm when he whispers.

"I'm not trying to play fair." He smiles when Eddie rolls his eyes.

"Ugh. Fine. But if you die in this shower, you're paying for my therapy. And buying us a new trailer." Eddie concedes as Steve hums in agreement, latches himself onto Eddie's neck, his tongue on Eddie's throat making him shiver.

"A double wide. Nice and spacious." Steve kisses up his neck.

"Anything you want." He agrees against Eddie's mouth.

"Anything I want." Eddie sighs, his hands moving down Steve's back.

"Anything at all. Just touch me Ed's. Please. Miss your hands on me." He whispers between kisses, his hands in Eddie's hair now, holding him close. Eddie groans, moves his hips into Steve's and then moves his hands down, slides them between them.

"Anything you want Steve. Wanna make you feel good." Eddie pants, Steve's hips fucking into his hands perfectly. Steve moves one hand down, curls his fingers around Eddie's cock and just, holds him, the way Eddie likes.

"Always do. Make me feel so good." Steve breathes into his skin as Eddie drags him over the edge.

They lay in bed after, both only wearing boxers and a t-shirt, all of them belonging to Eddie. Fresh and clean. The dried blood is gone from Steve's head, leaving just the cuts and bruises. Eddie moves his hand through Steve's hair as he lays beside him, Steve looking up at him with big, warm, eyes. He seems more coherent now, more with it.

"Thank you. I needed that." Steve says, his head nuzzling into Eddie's fingers. Eddie smiles down at him.

"Needed what? The shower or the orgasm?" Eddie bites his lip when Steve smiles, all dopey and goofy.

"Yeaaah." He sighs dreamily. Eddie shoves gently at his face.

"Idiot." He rolls his eyes. But Steve catches his wrist and pulls Eddie close, down, so Eddie's chin is resting on his shoulder.

"Seriously. Thank you." He moves his hand up Eddie’s arm, up his neck, into his hair, cups the back of his head. Eddie just nods, feeling like he might cry again.

"Sure. I- I didn't know what else to do." He admits, his fingers tangling in his own shirt on Steve's chest.

"You did great. It was perfect." His eyes are drooping now, eyelashes fluttering as he tries to keep his eyes open. Eddie moves his hand, trails his fingers down over Steve's face, it makes him smile, his eyes falling shut.

"Go to sleep. I'll be here if you need me." Eddie whispers, curling closer to Steve.

"Always need you." Steve mumbles, and he's alseep now, talking nonsense, saying things he won't remember in the morning. But Eddie holds the words close, and holds Steve close, and does his best to try and sleep.

Sleep never comes. But Steve leaves. He wakes in the middle of the night, maybe 2 am. And Eddie lays there, pretends to be asleep. And listens to him shuffle around quietly. He thinks he hears paper rustle but he's not sure. He just lays there, and lets Steve leave, his heart aching in his chest.

He counts to three hundred after he hears Steve's car drive away and then turns his lamp on. Stands up and walks to his desk. The writing is messy, and lopsided, it's hard to write in the dark. But the note is nice. At least Steve tried.

'I am so sorry. I had to leave. I forgot my parents are coming back tomorrow. Today? I don't know. But if I'm not there, they'll lose their shit. If they notice... but I can't risk it.

Thank you.

Again.

I'll be back.

-Steve'

There's a crooked little smiley face at the bottom. The note makes Eddie's chest ache for a different reason. He goes back to bed, and finally drifts off to sleep.

~°~

They don't tell anyone. Both of them acting annoyed when Dustin mentions the other, biting their tongues and pretending they don't know each other. And it's... easier. Eddie guesses. Easier than telling a group of kids and risking losing them. Eddie's pretty sure none of them would care.

Steve comes to his trailer every Saturday. Wayne knows about them. He has weekends off now. So they all hang out and watch movies, Eddie and Steve curled up together under blankets. They almost always fall asleep before the movie ends. Wayne jokes about them being old men.

And then Chrissy dies.

And Eddie runs.

And they find him in the boat house, starving and scared. And he doesn't even register that it's Steve he has shoved against the wall until Dustin is yelling at him. Robin giving them both worried looks. Her eyes jumping back and forth between him and Steve until Steve gives her a stern look.

The kids don't catch on. Nancy does. Sees the way Steve's worried. His eyes darting to the walky anytime Eddie calls them. And the way he runs when Eddie tells them he's as Skull Rock. She sees it, and it... makes sense. She'd seen Steve watching him once, in the cafeteria, he'd been up on a table, yelling about something, and the other boys had looked annoyed, or disgusted, but not Steve. Nancy swore she saw him smile, before he noticed her looking and hid it, looked away. But it made sense.

And then Eddie almost dies. And Dustin, he watches Steve carry Eddie out, get him to safety. Watches him frantically try to hold Eddie's blood inside his body as it flows out over his hands, Steve screaming as Eddie's hand, clutching at his arm, goes limp.

Dustin watches him sit with Eddie, every day, with him and Wayne. Watches the way Wayne drops a blanket over his shoulders, ruffles his hair, and tells him to get some rest. He watches Steve beg Eddie to wake up, tears in his eyes as he clutches his hand to his face, whispering into his fingers. And he gets it.

"You love him." Dustin says one day, after watching Steve struggle to read to Eddie for half an hour. He takes the book from Steve, settles his hand over Steve's shaking one. Steve doesn't even try to deny it. Just nods, keeping his eyes on Eddie. Always on Eddie.

"I don't understand. I thought you didn't like him. That you barely knew him." Dustin says, his voice quiet, pondering, peicing things together in his brain as he speaks. Steve shakes his head.

"I lied. We both lied. We've- we've been together awhile. I- was scared to tell you guys. I didn't wanna lose you. Any of you." Steve shakes his head, frowning as he moves his thumb over the back of Eddie's hand, his eyes still not leaving him.

"You wouldn't have lost us Steve. We love you. Both of you." Dustin rests his hand on Steve's shoulder.

"Yeah." He scoffs, a bitter laugh leaving him as a tear falls down his cheek.

"That's what Eddie said. But I was too scared. So we kept it a secret. I kept him a secret. And now he's-" Steve sobs, and Dustin is on him in an instant, holding him close. Steve sobs into his chest so hard that neither of them hear the change in heart rate on Eddie's monitor. But they do hear,

"Did somebody die?" Eddie's groggy voice ask. Steve gasps, and turns back to Eddie, it looks like it's taking everything in him to keep his eyes open as he he blinks heavily at them.

"No. No we're all okay. Max got hurt, but she's healing. She's doing good." Steve says in a rush, grabbing Eddie's hand and holding it to his mouth, kissing his fingers as Dustin cries and holds his other hand. Eddie nods, frowns.

"Wayne?" He asks, Steve nods.

"He just left. He went to get us food. We've been here for ages man. He was tired of hospital food." Dustin says, scooting his chair closer. Eddie smiles, a little hum leaving him.

"Course he did. Hates... hospital food." Eddie sighs, deep in his chest, and is asleep again. Dustin looks across the bed at Steve, grinning.

"He's okay." Dustin breathes. Steve nods, Dustin nods back, more enthusiasm building as they smile at each other.

"He's okay." Steve laughs, and laughs and laughs. Both of them jumping up from their seats, hugging each other and laughing. They're still crying when Wayne gets back, smiles shining on their faces.

"What is it?" Wayne asks, setting the bags of food down, his hands shaking as his eyes roam over Eddie.

"He woke up. He's okay. Asked where you were." Steve says, choking a little on the lump in his throat. Wayne's lip trembles then, and he's bending over the foot of the bed, his hands holding Eddie's feet as he cries.

"I leave for ten damn minutes." He mutters, half laughing, half crying, and then Eddie's feet twitch in his hands and he looks up to see his nephews eyes on him. His face scrunched up.

"Tickles." Is all Eddie says, and then Wayne is hugging him, crying into his shoulder as Eddie cries into his, both of them clinging to each other.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." Eddie sobs, clawing at his uncle's shoulder the best he can.

"It's okay. Your okay. That's all that matters." Waybe says back, soothing Eddie's hair gently, Steve and Dustin holding each other as they start crying again.

~°~

Eddie and Max are in the hospital for about a month, before they let them go.

Max is in a wheelchair, with the hope of walking again someday. She can see, a little, not great. But it's something. Her and Eddie have a running joke that maybe if he bites her she'll get echo-location, like a bat. Dustin doesn't find it funny.

Eddie's covered in scars but otherwise alright.

They've got a new trailer. A double wide. Two bedrooms. Eddie shows it off to Steve like he's a realtor. Everyone brings a mug from home as their house warming gifs for Wayne. He gets flustered and has to go outside for about ten minutes. Comes back in wiping at his face, grumbling about allergies.

After the kids are gone, and Wayne 'retires to his room'. He says that every night now, it makes Eddie laugh, every. single. time. Steve stays. Doesn't wanna go home. His parents had made it back home fine. But they just,

... didn't care about Steve. So he didn't care to be there. He wraps his arm around Eddie's shoulder, pulls him closer on the couch. Leans his head back and looks at him.

Eddie notices and shakes his head, frowning. Steve moves his fingers into Eddie hair, his eyes flutter, he leans into the touch.

"Don't." Eddie says, quiet. Steve sighs, brings his hand to Eddie's cheek, the one without the scar. Eddie won't meet his eyes.

"Hey." Steve says, Eddie refuses to look at him.

"Ed's come on. Look at me." Steve bites his lip, watches Eddie shake his head, the smallest amount of movement.

"I told you I don't-" he cuts off, rolls his eyes, swallows hard. He's trying not to cry. It happens a lot these days. Steve smiles, takes Eddie's hand, brings it to his lips, kisses his knuckles.

"You don't want me to look at you? Ever again?" Steve asks, kissing into Eddie's palm, up over his wrist, his lips leaving a trail of goosebumps along Eddie's skin. Eddie pouts, being dramatic now, and shrugs.

"Maybe. Maybe you'll just have to close your eyes." Eddie huffs. Steve can see him wanting to cross his arms, but he hasn't yanked his hand away from Steve's kisses yet.

"Oh yeah? What about when I take your shirt off? Gonna make me close my eyes then too?" Steve teases, scoots closer, kissing up Eddie’s shoulder now. Eddie freezes, turns to look at him.

"Why would you be taking my shirt off?" He sounds... genuinely confused. Steve stops kissing him, his brow furrowed, he glances toward Wayne's closed bedroom door.

"Umm... so I can see you naked. And have sex with you and stuff." Steve says, trying to keep it simple, because Eddie seems to be struggling with this concept currently.

"Sex. You're thinking about sex." Eddie says, his hands moving over his thighs nervously, wiping his palms. Steve shrugs, shakes his head.

"I mean, just then, all I was really thinking about was kissing. But... you uh... you don't seem to be on the same page as me right now. So that- that can wait." Steve says, keeping his voice calm. His hand moving to settle over Eddie's.

"Why would you wanna kiss me right now? I have ointment all over my face. It's- I'm-" he cuts himself off, eyes wide. Steve looks at him, widens his own eyes.

"You're what?" He asks, with a tone. He knows exactly what Eddie was gonna say. Eddie shakes his head, his eyes darting away from Steve again.

"You're gross? Is that what you were gonna say?" Steve knows he sounds mad, he can't help it. He's not mad at Eddie, he's just, mad at Eddie's brain. They've had this conversation so many times now. Eddie shrugs.

"I am. I'm all slimey. And this ointment smells so gross. It literally turns my stomach Steve. I don't feel sexy." Eddie huffs, dabbing at his cheek with his sleeve, then full on wiping, rubbing at the ointment smeered there, tears welling in his eyes.

"Hey hey hey." Steve calms him, uses his own sleeve to clean Eddie's face, the scar on his cheek is red, and angry. Steve sooths his fingertips over it gently. Eddie pulls away. Does cross his arms now.

"I'm covered in scars Steve. It's not-"

"I'm covered in scars too! I mean," he waves his hands at his body,

"They're everywhere. I'm covered. We match, remember?" His voice softens, there are still tears in Eddie's eyes as he shakes his head, rolls his eyes at Steve.

"It's not the same." He huffs, wipes at his eyes with the back of his hand.

"How is it not the same? Ed's some of them are literally the same." He rests his hand on his side, one of the matching scars they have. But it doesn't help.

"Because! Even with the scars you're still beautiful! And I'm just-" he bites his lip, clamps it hard between his teeth as he looks at Steve, his eyes wide, and guilty, and full of tears. Steve tries to move closer, Eddie shakes his head. Steve mirrors him.

"I don't understand." Steve's voice is small, he genuinely doesn't understand, and he knows it's hurting Eddie, that he's frustrating him, he just doesn't know why. Eddie sighs, his teeth digging painfully into his lip.

"Because you're beautiful. And I'm not, Steve. I'm not. I mean I never was, but now I've got this." He moves his hand like he gonna slap his face and Steve grabs it, clutches Eddie hand to his chest.

"But you are." Steve says, slowly, that confusion still tinting his voice.

"Steve-" Eddie starts to shake his head, to pulls away. Steve pulls him closer, squeezes Eddie's hand.

"You are." He says again, adamant. But he can see the doubt in Eddie's eyes, sees that he wants to roll his eyes again, to deny it.

Steve surges forward, crashes his lips to Eddie's, cradles his face gently as he calms, sweetens the kiss, smiles into it when Eddie makes one of his little pleased noises. He moves then, kissing over Eddie's cheek, pressing his lips gently to the scar there, peppering gentle kisses all over it until he makes his way down to Eddie's neck. There are scars here too, and Steve takes his time, presses his lips to every inch of them until Eddie is shivering and whimpering in his arms. He kisses back up, finds Eddie's lips again and growls,

"Take your shirt off." Low in his throat, licking across Eddie's bottom lip, making him gasp as he pulls back, away from Steve.

"Wha-"

"Take. Your shirt off." Steve repeats, his voice stern. Eddie gulps, but reaches for his shirt. Steve helps him pull it over his head, tosses it across the room and immediately attaches his mouth to Eddie's chest, kissing over the scars here the same way he had the one's on his face and neck, light kisses, feather soft, so he doesn't hurt him, wouldn't dream of that.

His lips reach the unblemished skin of Eddie's stomach and he presses his tongue against him, Eddie arches up into him.

"Steve." He breathes, quiet, his hand grabbing at Steve's hair. Steve smiles into the soft skin of his stomach and then bites down, not hard, just hard enough to suprise Eddie.

"Jesus Christ!" Eddie gasps, yanking Steve up by his hair to glare at him.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Eddie hisses, but his cheeks are flushed and his eyes are more black than brown, Steve smiles, crawls on top of Eddie, slides his hand over Eddie's unscathed cheek, presses his fingers into Eddie's skin hard,

"I love you. And you're beautiful. And I'm-"

"Insatiable." Eddie supplies, before he blinks owlishly.

"Wait you- you love me?" He whispers, forehead creasing in a frown. Steve bites his lip, looks a tad bashful. But he nods.

"Yeah. I really do. I've got it bad. I love you Eddie Munson." He breathes, his thumb moving over the corner of Eddie's mouth. Eddie doesn't say anything, just stares, blinking at Steve. He gulps, feels Eddie's heart pounding against his chest.

"Do you... do you not-"

"No I do! Of course I do. Fuck sorry. My brain just like, short circuited there, of course I love you. I love you so much it's, like, genuinely terrifying sometimes. I love you. I love you!" Eddie grabs Steve's face and kisses him, Steve laughing as his outburst, Eddie was almost yelling now.

"I love you too!" Steve said, matching Eddie's volume and almost yelling into his mouth. Eddie cackles, let Steve press kissing into his cheek again, holding him close, his hand in Steve's hair.

"I love the paid of ya, but if you don't shut up I'm tossing y'all out on your asses for the night!" Wayne's voice carried through the walls to the living room.

"Sorry Uncle Wayne! Love you too!" Eddie called back as Steve stiffled his laughter in Eddie neck.

"Would you shut up. You're gonna get us kicked out." Eddie hissed, but he was pressing kisses into Steve's hair. Once he composed himself he leaned back, untangling himself from Eddie and looking him in the eyes.

"I really do love you." He says, serious. Eddie nods.

"I love you too." He presses a soft kiss to Steve lips and then drags him up, and into Eddie's bedroom. They tangle back together under his covers, Eddie wrapped around Steve like an octopus, his arms wrapped around Steve's middle, holding him close, his face shoved into Steve's hair, just breathing him in.

They lay there, in silence, for a few moments, hell, it could have been hours, Steve could never get enough of it. And then he feels Eddie smile into his neck.

"What?" Steve asks, he can't not. Eddie snorts, nuzzles his nose into Steve neck.

"Told you you needed to get fucked." Eddie whispers, his fingers tickling at Steve's ribs. Steve barks a laugh and slaps his hand over his mouth, both of them cringing, waiting for Wayne to shout again.

Nothing happens.

"Ya know what?" Steve whispers back.

"And don't get used to this, because it's rare. But you were right." Steve teases.

"Hey! I am right at least 50 percent of the time around here." Eddie says, indignation in his voice, Steve opens his mouth to argue but,

"BOYS!"

"Sorry Wayne! We're sleeping now!" Steve calls back.

"Yeah sorry! We love you!" Eddie calls, Steve twists around and clamps his hand over Eddie's mouth, he makes a little "hey!" sound, muffled but readable. They can hear Wayne laughing through the wall. Steve smiles at him, brightly, moves his hand, kisses Eddie quickly, just a peck, and then twists back around, snuggling into Eddie's arms as he pulls him close.

Steve is nearly alseep when he feels Eddie's teeth sink into his shoulder, he just manages to catch the yelp that escapes him in the crook of his arm, then he groans, dropping his head back down on their pillow.

"You're so weird." He whispers, nudging his elbow back into Eddie. He just pulls him closer, smiles into his shoulder.

"Hmm. You like it." He hums. Steve sighs, sinks back into Eddie's warmth,

"Yeah. I do. Kinda charming." Steve teases, wiggling his hips back into Eddie. Eddie just meets him half way, pressing his hips into Steve's ass with a,

"Told ya so." As he snuggles closer.

"Yeah yeah." Steve grumbles, turns himself in Eddie's arms, buries his face in Eddie's chest, and breathes him in, as Eddie wraps his arm up over Steve's head, pulling him closer as they both drift away, Eddie's smile pressed into Steve's perfectly messy hair.

[benkyoutobentou]

31 Days of Productivity Reading: Day sixteen

Before: Since we're now about halfway through the month, let's take another look at my goals for March-

Finish No. 6 volume 3

Read 憎らしい彼

Read 独り舞 (2/3 there!)

Read at least ten volumes of manga (3/10)

Read at least an hour per day (still still on track!)

Am I at least halfway through my (tangible) goals? Uh, debatable. Either way, I think completing my goals is still completely doable!

I still have seven volumes of manga to read, so is there anything I'd like to get to this month? Yes. Too many. So let's narrow it down. I would very much like to get in at least one more volume of ベルサイユのばら (1/7), I want to start はなものがたり (2/7) but I only have one volume and I'm in the debacle of "but what if I like it so much that I need to read the rest right away?", it's not that I necessarily want to read スリーピングデッド (4/7) this month but more of I don't think I'll be able to hold off reading it until next month, and I've also been feeling a bit like picking up another volume of 3月のライオン (5/7) lately, and okay I think that's enough. I could just list off every single series in my tbr but then we'd be here all day. I won't even promise that I'll get to anything I listed here because that's just how life pans out sometimes. I listed off all those manga and didn't even name ウツボラ don't even look at me.

After: As much as I’m ready for this musical to be over, it saved me today because I don’t think I would’ve gotten any reading in had I not been in a position where I have to sit in one place and do nothing for like an hour and a half in bit and pieces. In addition to usual Saturday errands and the musical, I did some gardening in the afternoon and went to a party tonight. I’m really not a partier (I mean look at me, my hobbies are language learning and reading) but I always make a point to go when my next door neighbors host parties because it forces me to be at least a little social. Plus, I usually know a good amount of the people there. And this time, I ended up talking to someone about books and they invited me to their book club! Just what I need, more books I have to read. Of course I said yes.

Today, I read twenty two pages, which would be around an hour and eighteen minutes if I were to use yesterday’s average reading pace of four minutes per page. If I read another twenty pages tomorrow, I would only have about thirty pages left to read on Monday which I think is totally doable in a single day. The end is in sight! Again, I don’t dislike this book or think it’s bad, it’s just a bit too high level for my Japanese right now. I am glad to have read it, though. Hopefully my next read will pick me back up off the ground and remind me that I actually can read in this language.

I'm also still going strong with doing my JPDB reviews, and I'm now in the 1200s. Slow and steady wins the race and I'm hoping that mentioning it here will keep me on track.

[aliypop]

Anyway You Want Me: Chapter 2

Word Count: 3,147

Writers Note: This story is just an au of what if my Oc and Elvis met in high school instead of the Louisana Hayride

Warning: None so far except for language and historic language

Pairing: OC x Elvis

Plot: 1953 Memphis Tennessee Cecelia Valmos and her mother move to Shelby County as their house in Nashville is going through renovations, when asked to keep a low profile by her mother Cecelia makes friends with the quirkiest, shy, yet charming kid in class, at least Friends is what she'd call them.

Chapter 1

Memphis, Tennessee, Saturday, May 1953

"Is it three yet?" Cecelia asked as she was in her bedroom brushing out her curls and adding a small victory roll. Sure, the look was out of style, but she still appreciated it."It's 2:40." Denise shouted back as Cecelia grinned. She was finally going to be hanging out with someone, a cool someone, a shy someone, but it was someone. Taking her keys from off her dresser, she was ready to go. 

"See you later, mother!"

"See you later, and be safe!" 

"I will!" walking out the door, Cecelia passed her father, "Hi Daddy, bye Daddy..." Racing to her car, she got in and drove off, waving at the fans who were there for her parents. 

"What's gotten into her?"

"A boyfriend." Denise lied, "You'd know that if you were in her life more." 

Elvis would be lying if he wasn't twiddling his thumbs with jobs at the electric company just to kill time today. His watch was reading 2:56, which meant his shift was almost over, and he could hang out with Cecelia. Elvis couldn't wait to see her, which was totally not weird because Elvis only knew her for two days, but she was cool enough for him to be excited about seeing her, right? Either way, he knew she was worth him hanging around. Pulling back up to the store, Elvis saw her pink car. Cecelia was wearing shorts and a striped shirt, leaning against the counter with the toned legs of a dancer, and boy was Elvis entertained. She had on heels. And a pink chiffon bow in her hair and Elvis wanted nothing more than to pull her close and say- 

"There you are! I was talking to this young lady here about electric wiring."

"Did you know that when the male goes into the Female, and they plug into each other, boom, we get lights!" Cecelia glanced at Elvis, acting as if she didn't know that. He was thinking about a male and a female, but not lights.  

"Mhmm... I-I-I'll actually be right back." Elvis said as he went to freshen up. It wasn't like he was trying to impress Cecelia, Well, maybe a little, changing out of his work slacks. He had on a pair of black slacks and a white lace see-through button-up shirt with pink socks and his loafers. When he walked out, Elvis had hoped he would have taken Cecelia's breath away, but instead, he heard, "You look good, Pres."

"Thanks, Cece, you uh ready to go?" 

"Yeah." Taking his keys, he opened her door, then his, as the two began their adventures,

 "So where to first, record shop, comic shop?"

"Surprise me," Cecelia said, taking a bit of a glance at him as he began to drive. He wanted to rest his hand on her thigh, but friends didn't do that. He just had to focus. 

"Music shop it is."

Music played on the radio as Cecelia hummed along. She could carry a tune, Elvis thought to himself as he listened. He didn't sing much unless it was at Church or in his house. Other than that, he was a shy little thing,  

"So Cece..."

"Hmm?"

"You never did tell me where you moved from." 

"Well, sugar..." Elvis felt his heart pound when she said sugar. That southern drawl of her was strong, a bit like Scarlet O'Hara but sweeter, "North Carolina, Originally born and raised, but then for three years I lived in Georgia, and that was like stickin your hand in a jar of hot peppers and rubbin your eyes afterward." she laughed as Elvis kept trying to focus on the road, but he had laughed with her too, 

"Sounds like it was hell."

"You've no idea, sugar." She smiled, applying her red lipstick, "So what about you? You don't exactly sound like a Memphis guy." She smirked as he blushed. It was back on him now, all the attention, 

"Well, I was born and raised in Tupelo, Mississippi," Elvis smiled as Cecelia grinned,

"That explains that heavy accent."

"Yours ain't light either,"

"I don't know what you're talkin bout." Cecelia playful nudged him as they parked at the music store, 

"Oh really, what do you call honey."

"Definitely not what you call it." She laughed at his adorable accent as he helped her out of the car, 

"And what do I call it."

"Hunneh..." she mumbled as he laughed with her,

"That's what I sound like?" He questioned as she nodded, watching him walk like he was some star of importance, which to her he was. She never could find someone with whom she could laugh about accents. When they walked in, Cecelia called to the guitars on the wall. Her medicine of choice was a Gretsch, but she didn't mind a Gibson. Or a Fender. 

"Do you play?" Elvis asked

"A little..." Cecelia said, a guitar pick in her mouth, trying to reach for one of the Gibson guitars on the top shelf.

"Mind if I..." Before Cecelia could respond, she was suspended mid-air and sitting on his shoulder,

 "Oh..." reaching for the guitar, she grabbed it, 

"Thanks, sugar. I mean, El, Pres." 

"No problem. Cece with an E," He put her down. And he grinned a little bit. Her skin was actually really smooth, not that he was surprised, but it was a bonus. Sitting down, she strummed the guitar as her pink-painted nails began to play a song. 

"Well, I don't care if the sun don't shine. I get my lovin' in the evening time. When I'm with my baby." Cecelia began to sing as she played the song with a more bluesy rock and roll feel. She had a jazz undertone, but to Elvis, it sounded like an Angel was singing to him and a guitar princess strumming with the way her fingers were on the fret playing. It was almost as if Cecelia were a pro, and the song Cecelia picked a classic. Elvis was enchanted, but he couldn't be. Cecelia probably saw him as a friend anyway, 

"Do you play Pres..."

"El..."

"Elvis!"

"Hmm, sorry, I-I-I was thinkin." he stuttered as Cecelia blushed. Why was he so cute and innocent? She couldn't think of him like this. He was her friend, and he probably didn't feel the same.

"Oh, I was wondering if you played guitar."

"A little." He rubbed the back of his neck, "But how about the comic book shop?" he added. He wanted to save Beale Street for later in the afternoon when the lights started to come on, and the street really came to life, 

"I'd like that," putting the guitar down. The two then walked to the comic book store, 

"So, where'd you learn to sing and play like that!"

"Well, my mother, she sings, and my daddy, when he was around, played guitar, then I learned the rest from B.B. King." She shrugged,

"A girl who enjoys good music."

"Good music, good food, and great SUPERMAN!" she rushed to the window as Elvis laughed, 

"Cece, wait up!"

"EL IT'S A NEW ISSUE."

"Superman nice... But" his eyes saw a Jay Garrick comic, he snuck off and picked it up as he showed her, all he heard was a gasp, 

"ELVIS YOU FOUND IT!"She threw her arms around his neck and hugged him, a blush creeping on his face, 

"F-F-Found what?"

"The comic issue I've been lookin for! " 

"you're welcome!" there were eyes on them as Cecelia and Elvis both blushed, 

"A discount for your date there," Irene said. Irene was the daughter of the owner. She knew Elvis well, in the sense he'd buy his Captain Marvel Jr. comics here. 

"She's just a friend, Irene."

"Sugar, look what I found!

"Mhmm, a friend..." Irene smirked, "I'll ring that one up, too." she winked, walking toward the counter. 

"This one's gonna be legendary..." He looked at the comic book as she grinned, "Definitely legendary." When they left the comic shop, they walked to the car to further their adventure. As they cruised down the street, the radio had been playing Dean Martins That's Amore, in which Cecelia had taken it upon herself to croon her entire heart out as Elvis as the test subject, 

"Y-You speak Italian..."

"Well, I've sung in German, French, Italian, and Spanish," she grins, "But Sometimes I speak French." 

"I-I-I-"

" Êtes-vous d'accord, Elvis?" Cecelia leaned in,

"I don't know what you just said. Hell, it sounded pretty." Elvis's brain was short-circuiting. If she was being a flirt, then he needed to get her back for it, too. 

"You think so. I've been a little rusty and haven't been to a French restaurant in a while..." She sighed,

"You live an interestin life, Cece." 

"I try to. Sometimes, I can never sit in one place. I have to be doing somethin. You know El. Like playing violin or singin or," Elvis was listening to her. She was passionate and energetic, a fast talker when she was excited, and he loved it. 

"Am I talking top?"

"No, you're talkin just fine," opening her door, he took her hand and helped her out as she blushed. He was a gentleman, a good listener, had a keen attention to detail, and had soft yet slightly callused hands that she could admire. 

"So this is Beale Street..." She said to herself,

"Wait til you see it at 7 pm. It's only 5, so we got time to see whatever you want." 

"Hmm... Let's walk and get into some good trouble." She grinned as Elvis smirked,

"I'm beginin to really like you." he said, as Cecelia blushed, "As a friend."

"Me too, kid," she giggled. Ruffling up his hair as she laughed, 

"I-I- I ain't no kid, Cece, why I bet I'm older than you."

"When's your birthday, El," Cecelia smirked, stepping up to him,

"January 8th, 1935." he smirked as if he were right, and she would grovel at his feet and say she was, in fact, a kid, a mere worm, "What about you, huh,"

"January 7th, 1935." she grinned, 

"Damn it, guess you're the boss." He laughed as the two then came up towards a tailor shop. Elvis was standing at the window looking at the suits and the shoes, 

"Wanna go in?" Cecelia asked. Elvis looked a bit hesitant. He had always craved the look, but he knew he couldn't afford it much. 

"I can't really afford much of anything in there..."

"Elvis Aaron Presley, You are going in that store. You will try on whatever it is you want, so that way, you know what you'll want when you can," she smirked, taking him by the hand and dragging him through the doors. She was gutsy, and he liked it, 

"Excuse me, but my friend here wants to try on..." Her eyes scanned the room for the pink suit that was in the window, "That fine suit right there, if you please." she smiled,

"Of course, Ms. If you'd follow me, sir."

"Cece..."

"Trust me, you'll look great." Cecelia smiled as she sat down in the waiting area, reading the men's fashion magazines and swoony at some of the men in them. She could hear Elvis in there having a bit of a ball and commotion of the experience, a snicker leaving her lips, 

"Cece little help here!" was all she heard, and then it was,

"Well, Ms., what do you think?"

"Well...I..." The pink in the outfit brought out those electric baby blues, and the lace gave him this alluring, sultry feel. The pants gave him an essence that told him he could have anything he ever dreamed of, and suddenly, she was beginning to dream of him in broad daylight, "Well, Cece..." the sinister smirk on his face was doing something to she'd never felt before,

 "Stand up straight..." she stood up, "Well, aren't you cookin' good lookin," Cecelia smirked, looking him up and down like one would inspect a car. 

"You really think so?" He asked as he danced a little in the outfit,

"Mhmm..." Her mind was racing, but they were just friends, "You could get any girl in that."

"You should get it for your boyfriend, Ms. We'll make up a fake invoice if you want to keep you two a secret..."The clerk smirked as both Cecelia and Elvis blushed,

"Oh no, we're just friends and just browsin' around, really," Elvis said as he went to get changed back into his clothes. Cecelia was tricky to read, but he knew he'd get the gist of her. Cecelia couldn't help but feel butterflies in her stomach, but maybe she was just hungry. 

"You hungry?"

"Hmm, I could eat, El." she took his hand as she waved the shopkeepers goodbye, 

"So the thing about me getting any girl..."

"You could in that outfit. You just gotta be confident, you know..." She paused. There in the cafe was an array of black skin dancing and singing, having a grand time while they were enjoying their burgers and fries, 

"We can eat here if you'd like." 

"YES!" this was the life she had missed, the life Elvis had always known. 

"Hey Elvis!" some teenage girls waved at him as he waved back. 

"Hey Mildred, Shirley, Rudy," he winked as they giggled, "Who's your friend."

"Cecelia Valmos." She introduced herself as they walked over and sat down, "Oh girl, I love your hair!" one of the girls said as Cecelia grinned, 

"Thank you. I love yours, too!"

"She just moved here not too long ago." 

"You picked a good tour guide."Rudy said, "He's always here like he lives here," she chuckled, 

"Is that so."

"Girl, you should see E cut up a rug. He's like a white guy with a black soul." Shirley commented as Elvis blushed, "And when He sings..."

"Ladies, I'm right here." he blushed, getting embarrassed a bit. 

"I'll keep that in mind." she chuckled. The waitress then came by as she looked at saw Elvis, 

"Let me guess, cheeseburger, a milkshake, fries salted." she laughed, "And for you, dear?"

"Cheeseburger and a soda, please." 

"No fries?" Elvis asked,

"I'll just eat yours."

"Aw, a date?"

Elvis and Cecelia quickly shook their heads,

"We're just friends..." Cecelia said,

"For now, " the three girls had said as they went to dance with their boyfriends. Cecelia watched them as she then looked at Elvis, who was tapping his foot, 

"You wanna dance?" offering her hand out to him,

"Sure." Elvis took her hand as they went up to the jukebox. Let's have a Party was playing, and that's what Cecelia intended to do. The two were dancing together and laughing as it had clearly been the most fun the two had been having. Pulling her close and spinning her around, he was impressed with her footwork. There had been a few girls he'd danced with, but this one, for once, could keep up. He then began doing his own thing as Cecelia watched his hips. She began to be mesmerized until she joined him. Swaying her hips as Cecelia danced around him, another guy took her by the hand as they began to do the Lindy Hop, flipping her over his shoulder as Cecelia laughed. He was impressed with her courage and how much of a fun time she was. 

"HEY E CATCH!" Bernard shouted as he spun Cecelia into Elvis's arms.

Elvis caught Cecelia as he dipped her, heart racing as she looked up at him, "Nice catch..." She said as Elvis blushed, "Nice, dancin." he then walked them both to their table. Sitting down, Cecelia and Elvis ate and talked as she took some of his fries, and he took some of her pickles from her burger, 

"So, has today been fun so far," Elvis asked as Cecelia sighed.

"I don't know, I mean..."

"Yes..."

"Well..."

"Cece..."

"I've been havin a blast!" she smiled. 

"Great, 'cause now I wanna show you the true Beale Street." he smiled, clutching his heart at her reaction. 

"Is this not the real..." walking outside. Cecelia saw the city lights. They felt more comforting than New York and brighter than Paris. They felt like home. Elvis could see the sparkle in her eyes as she was mesmerized by the scene music from every street, people dancing, cars going by,

 "May I?"

"You may." Elvis took Cecelia's hand and walked with her across the street, walking by other shops and bands. Cecelia could feel that this was where music truly lived. There was a group of musicians playing as Elvis began to mumble under his breath and sing the words. Cecelia had tried to listen. 

"You know... You heard me sing..." Cecelia smirked,

"Yeah, I did..."

"it's your turn..." 

"Cece..."

"Please, Pres..."

"Cil..."

"Elvis... Elvis...Elvis." She cheered as he took a deep breath and sang along to the song. When he began to sing, it was like time stood still to try to catch up to him. He was lost in the music, dancing and almost nearly performing the song. When he had stopped, Elvis had noticed Cecelia's mouth completely wide open in shock.

"ELVIS AARON PRESLEY!!! WHY ARE YOU NOT ON THE RADIO!" Cecelia playfully shook him about. As he laughed, "Or on TV, people should have posters of your records!!" she grinned, 

"I could say the same about you," he smiled as Cecelia giggled. He was right, but she was right, too.

 "Yeah, but this is about you!"

"Well, Cil, I got terrible stage fright." He laughed, "I can't be no singer or actor with stage fright." he sighed,

"Yeah, you can. Many get nervous, too."Cecelia said as she got closer to him,

"I-I-I-I da-don't pronounce my W's right an..."

"So, you got the look, I mean behind the lanky look and the choppy colored hair... There's a star." Cecelia backed away,

"Cil..."

"Imagine it, everyone screamin Elvis Presley!" she twirled, stumbling a bit as he caught her,

"Yeah... no," He laughed. Maybe if I played football or somethin, they should be cheerin your name." he smirked, lifting her up again on his shoulders, "Cecelia Valmos, the great guitar player, the amazing singer." he looked up at her as she looked down at him both their eyes meeting, 

"Elvis Presley, the great dancer! Mover of hips and remover of panties!" she joked as Elvis turned red,

"That don't sound half bad." he laughed with her, the two heading back to his car, 

"Elvis... Are you free tomorrow?"

"I got church an work, but after that..." 

"Wanna hang out again tomorrow?" Cecelia asked,

"Sure, we could go to a park or the library, maybe we could study at my place?"

"We could do that, I could make brownies as a snack," 

"It's a done deal then Cece," he smiled driving her to her car,

"See you tomorrow El."

"Same time?"

"Same time!"

Taglist: If you wanna be tagged let me know!

@darkmoviesquotespizza

@sissylittlefeather

@richardslady121

@thegettingbyp2

@presleyenterprise

@sissylittlefeather

@dkayfixates

@rjmartin11

@thetaoofzoe

MORE TO COME IN CHAPTER 3!

[thessalian]

Thess vs More Adulting

Payday is always a happy day, but it's also a little more than that. I mean, it is for me, but I assume that other people do the same thing as I do - that thing being "prep for the month ahead". By which I mean grocery shopping. After all, a person has to eat. Which I have to keep fucking reminding myself because I've fallen back into some significantly disordered eating the last little while. So this month is all about trying to fix or at least mitigate that.

So here's the list and the plan for the month:

So many emergency calories, because I keep forgetting to put food into myself when I'm working and I get hangry and weird. So nuts, crisps, dried fruit, corn thins, cold cuts, some tinned peaches, and clementines.

Fixings for potato salad. Because nothing's easier than just scooping some potato salad out of the bowl in the fridge and stuffing it into one's face.

Things To Roast - a big ol' chunk of pork shoulder, a large chicken, and lamb breast (which was an accident; I wanted shoulder for lamb dopiaza but apparently they were out). That'll be roast dinners plus everything I can do with the leftovers - risotto, stir-fry, stuff like that.

On the subject of stir-fry, I found ho fun noodles when I was out picking up meds and stuff yesterday. I like those way better than the vermicelli rice noodles. I also got tater tots because they're a fairly recent addition to Sainsbury's frozen-food repertoire and I will single-handedly demonstrate that it's a worthwhile thing to keep around if I have to because I HAVE MISSED TATER TOTS SO MUCH.

Further additions for batch cooking, since I've got some meat still in the freezer that just needs little additions to make into multiple meals. Specifically passata and courgette for spaghetti bolognaise, and carrots for chicken stew.

Drinkables and treats. As well as my usual couple of bottles of cherries and berries squash, I treated myself to an eight-pack of Coke. Picked up some marshmallows for hot chocolate and to make Rice Krispie treats, and some chocolate chips for cookies. Also one small bag of gummy sweets and a big bag of prawn crackers, which are thankfully gluten-free.

The standards - eggs, butter, sugar, coffee, etc. I mean, the first three are largely for baking (though the sugar's as much for the coffee as the baking) and I have some plans for French toast, so it's at least partly treat, but never mind.

Of course, this led to a need for more adulting. Not only putting all the stuff away, but apparently my bag of sugar had a leak at the bottom and sugar kind of got all over the kitchen floor. But never mind, I had to hoover anyway. Did the rest of the flat while I was at it. I'd already started a load of laundry at that point (it's on the drying cycle now), and while I do need to clear out the fridge a little more, things are mostly uncer control. Aaaaaaaaaall the adulting.

Of course, at some point in the not too distant, I'm going to have to go and pick up the bits that were missing. Not too many things, but I still want them, so that'll be a thing. I think I'll wait until tomorrow, though. Much as I hate going to the supermarket on a Sunday, Saturdays are worse unless I'm going late, and I really don't want to leave the house today. Still feeling the whole mess of this week, including the idiotic attempt to walk to the corner shop without my cane the other day.

(The shrubbery still has my cane, but I have a new one now - it's actually better than the old one, so that's a good thing.)

One last ... well, silver lining nice thing. My stepfather called yesterday - while I was working, but he apologised for disturbing me. He also apologised that the other flat isn't going to be ready for habitation by the end of this month the way he said it would be. I was honestly fine with that for two reasons: 1) I'd already figured that out because he promised he'd give me a goodly amount of notice so I could book time off, and 2) Scruffman's off in Greece for two weeks as of Monday and I couldn't have taken the time off anyway. It's already going to be an absolute fucking mess at the office without him - however cursory his attempts to ride herd on the lazier of the lazy fuckers in the office have been, it's better than nothing, which is what they'll have for the next two weeks.

Yeah, yesterday was a complete joke because of ... well, the usual. Friday was "New Girl sits on reports from Thursday morning until Friday afternoon, then dumps them back into the queue, and also completely ignores the ten-minute monstrosity by one of The Annoyances (who specifically creates a truly epic word salad every time she speaks) for the entire day". I mean, everyone else ignored the ten-minute word salad too, but I felt I had every right to because I not only took everyone else's long ridiculous reports that day, but also picked up the ones that New Girl had been sitting on all day because she picked them up but refused to actually type them. So I figure the "Leave the long ones for [Thess] to do" is going to be the rule for the next two weeks from these lazy fuckers.

But I have a fridge full of food, plans for glorious dinners, and a weekend of TTRPGs. It can't be all bad if I've got that.

[achronicwriter]

Saturday, June 22, 2024

12 Week Year 3.1-7

I'm feeling better today, but being unable to do anything for most of the week has kicked up my intermittent executive dysfunction. Whee! So I'll be going down my Executive Function List and giving myself small treats along the way.

Morning Pills

Hair Care

Wash My Face

Brush My Teeth

Freshen Up

Moisturize Me!

Make the Beds

Get Dressed

25-Minute Writing Sprint

Update Journals

General Tidy

The kids and grandgoblins are going to Pride in a nearby "city" with DIL's stepmom and half-sibs. I want to go! But a) I'm not medically up to it and b) every seat in the car is already full. I've been promised pictures, but 😿

I got a water pick the other day. We've been meaning to get one for a while, but I've never used one in my life until 10:50 am today. I turned it on and I -- my hand on the bosom of Gaia -- I haven't been pelted with water like that since the time I was caught out in a hurricane. Splutter! Choke! What the fuck?! I got soaked. The bathroom got soaked. It took two full paper towels to dry everything off. Holy shit! But at least my teeth and the bathroom are both clean now. Shit.

I considered just staying in my loungies today, but getting dressed on days that I have even one spoon has become a principle of the matter. I'm wearing my pink and yellow tie-dyed t-shirt with copper studs, plus my Pansexual Pride head covering.

I'm solidifying my story's theme, now that I've written the roughest drafts and can see what I'm working with. Looks like I've got a 'appearances vs. reality' situation going on.

I was awake and moving at 10:00 am, and I'm started to lose steam as of 12:40 pm. Complete 'crawl the hell back to bed' happened at 1:15 pm and I slept until 5:00 pm. I woke up feeling pretty good. I still took an hour to watch tv shows and play games before hopping back on the list where I left off.

That last bit is a big change for me. Before when I went through shutdown I would consider the day a wash, stay in bed, and potato for the rest of the day whether or not I felt better after a nap. It's a different beast to get up and get back into it. I may not get much more done but I feel better about myself and my capabilities.

[holdmeclosertinytaron]

RHW: Epilogue

Story Page / Playlist / Wattpad / AO3

PLEASE READ: The day is here. Right Here, Waiting is officially over. It's been a ride, to say the least. I've laughed and I've cried, but I've enjoyed every single minute of it. @brayndilyn and I turned a tiny little idea into something that I am infinitely proud of. Her love, support and help has been amazing and this story has given me a friend that I will cherish forever, so thank you, B!

You may notice that this epilogue is set on the 5th of August, 2023...TODAY. I wanted to do something fun and cool and having the story end on the day that it ends just seemed so fitting. I hope you enjoy the epilogue as much as you've loved the rest of the story. I'm off on a little hiatus now but I'll be back soon.

Word Count: 6.4k

Warnings: PURE FLUFF

August 5th, 2023

After a wet July filled with continuous torrential downpours, August brought with it the promise of the sunshine that everybody craved. Taron and Liliana had quickly escaped the hustle and bustle of London at the first sign of sun to spend the week in Aberystwyth with their family. 

Liliana was excited to spend Matilda’s twelfth birthday with her. Matilda had started high school in September and had been so busy that Liliana hadn’t been able to spend as much time with her as she would have liked. Having a week to see her as often as she liked made her insides jump with excitement. 

The second day they were in Wales, it was a warm Saturday morning and Liliana woke up before Taron. He nestled into her back with his nose tucked into the back of her neck. Liliana lay in bed for a little while after she’d woken up just to enjoy Taron’s touch on her skin, but when she grew a little too warm, she climbed out and pulled on some leggings. 

Tina was already downstairs when Liliana slipped into the living room, and she turned her attention away from the TV to smile at Liliana. 

‘Good morning, honey. Sleep well?’ 

Liliana nodded. ‘I did, thank you. Taron’s still sleeping but I don’t think it’ll be too long until he’s awake.’ 

‘You came downstairs,’ Tina chuckled. ‘I give him a solid fifteen minutes before he comes in here looking for you.’ 

‘I was going to say more like ten. I had to try so hard to pull myself away from him. I’m going to go make a cup of coffee. Would you like one?’ 

Tina shook her head softly and held her mug up. ‘I’ve got one already, lovely. Thank you though. I’ll come and chat to you in the kitchen, I’ve had a bit of an idea I want to run by you.’ 

Liliana walked through to the kitchen with Tina close behind her. She’d been at Tina’s house overnight countless times in the almost eighteen months that she and Taron had been together, but it wasn’t until that morning that she realised just how at ease she was there. 

She didn’t feel the need to tiptoe everywhere she went in fear of making too much noise with her steps. She didn’t stop in doorways to listen and make sure that nobody was in a room before she entered. 

And she felt completely free to make herself a drink or get something to eat without having to ask or feel like a burden. She let out a shaky breath as she grabbed the mug that Tina had bought specifically for her, and she blinked back tears. 

‘So this plan?’ Liliana said to try and distract herself from the emotions racing through her. 

Tina settled herself on one of the dining chairs and watched Liliana glide around the kitchen effortlessly. ‘I was thinking, because the sun has finally decided to make an appearance and because I want to celebrate getting to spend the entire week with my two oldest babies, what if we have a barbecue this afternoon?’ 

Liliana’s heart swelled at Tina calling her one of her babies, and she turned to her with an emotional smile. ‘That sounds really lovely. Taron and I could go to the shops if you needed? It wouldn’t be a bother.’ 

‘No, it’s okay,’ Tina insisted. ‘If you’re okay to watch the girls for me, I’ll go. Plus, if I’m being completely honest, I need Taron to clean the barbecue before we use it.’ 

Liliana let out a small chuckle. ‘I’m sure he’ll be thrilled to do that. I ought to be making him a drink too, huh? Considering it’s been five minutes since I got downstairs.’ 

‘It might be a good idea. Do you think Eliza would be okay with Matilda coming around today? She could spend the night too, if she’d like.’ 

The corners of Liliana’s lips curled up into a grin as she nodded her head. ‘That would be amazing. Thank you, Tina. But please let me give you some money towards the food and anything extra. It’s the least I can do for everything you’ve done for Taron and me recently.’ 

Tina shook her head firmly. ‘Nope. I won’t take money from you, Lili. It’s what family does.’ 

‘Exactly. Family helps each other out. Let me give you the money for the crisps and things at least then.’ 

‘Liliana Esme,’ Tina chastised lightly. Liliana looked down sheepishly and it took her a short while to finally look back up at Tina. 

‘Sorry.’ 

Tina chuckled with a small wink. ‘There’s been this idea floating around in my head for a few months now but I didn’t know when, or how to bring it up in the best way.’ 

Liliana furrowed her brows as she put the used tea bag into the small caddy next to the kitchen. 

‘I love you just as much as I love Taron and the girls. If anything happened to you, I would be beside myself. You are amazing, and I wish you’d had the grown up you needed in your life when you were little. I’ve been thinking…if you feel comfortable enough, this is, that you could maybe call me mum? You absolutely do not have to, I just thought…oh I don’t even know, I just thought it might be nice.’ 

Liliana’s breath stopped momentarily as a rush of contrasting emotions filled her mind. Tina had been more like a mum to Liliana throughout her teenage years than Eliza had, and she’d accidentally slipped and called Tina ‘mum’ on a few occasions. But knowing that she had Tina’s blessing–that she would finally be able to call someone mum again, and knowing that she had a mum who loved her, it sent something weird zapping through her body and she couldn’t control the emotion as she wasn’t quite sure what it was. 

‘That’s truly only if you feel comfortable though,’ Tina continued. She could sense the difference in Liliana’s demeanour and wanted to diffuse anything before it got too bad and Liliana shut down. The last thing Tina wanted to do was upset Liliana. ‘I wouldn’t ever want you to do something that makes you feel uncomfortable. 

‘It’s just…I want you to have a mum that you feel safe with. I want you to have a mum that loves you how you deserve to be loved, because my god you deserve to be loved, Liliana. Anyway, would Matilda prefer hot dogs or beef burgers for the barbecue? I’ll be getting cheese and doing some fried onions. If she’s anything like you, I’ll be buying Tesco out of onions.’ 

Liliana breathed out a slightly teary laugh. She was thankful for the sudden change in subject. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to call Tina mum. If anything she would have loved to. There was just something holding her back. 

Things with Taron were perfect, to put it swiftly, but she knew just how quickly things changed in her life; how quickly things went bad. The last thing she wanted was for her to finally feel comfortable enough in a family for it all to be pulled from under her. It had happened before, and she swore that she wouldn’t let it happen again. 

‘You may need to buy Tesco out of onions. Chances are she’ll probably have one of each. She isn’t fussy, bless her. You could put any food in front of her and she would give it a go. I don’t know where she got that from, I was so fussy when I was younger.’ 

‘You weren’t fussy,’ Tina said seriously. ‘You just hadn’t had the chance to try a lot of foods when you were younger so you were nervous to sway away from what you knew. I never had an issue with you trying new things. But if she likes both, I’ll make sure there’s both. The girls are the same. I’ll get Taron to clean the barbecue when he comes downstairs and we’ll be good to go. I’m surprised he hasn’t come down yet, it’s been ten minutes.’ 

As if on cue, Taron strolled into the kitchen with his arms stretched above his head. He yawned as he made his way over to Tina to kiss her on the cheek. 

‘Morning, mam. I heard my name. What are you talking about me for?’ 

Tina looked at Liliana and they shook their heads simultaneously with small laughs that made Taron look between them with raised eyebrows. 

‘I bet I didn’t,’ he laughed as he stalked towards Liliana. He wrapped his arms around her waist and kissed her lips gently. ‘You came downstairs without me.’ 

‘Unlike some, I wake up early and don’t want to spend all day in bed,’ Liliana chuckled playfully before she kissed Taron again quickly. ‘Your mum suggested that we have a barbecue this afternoon. We’re going to watch the girls while she runs to Tesco and I’m going to call Matilda soon and see if she wants to come. Eliza won’t have a problem with it.’ 

Taron twisted his body until his hips rested against the worktop. He wrapped an arm around Liliana’s waist and tucked her into his side before he grabbed her mug of coffee to steal some. 

‘Oi,’ Liliana chastised with wide eyes, ‘that’s mine, you bugger. There’s a mug behind you that I made for you.’ 

‘Yours always tastes nicer,’ Taron shrugged. ‘A barbecue sounds amazing though. Do you need me to clean it then, mam? It’s not been used for…I don’t even know how long. The chances are it’s a right mess and will need a good scrub.’ 

Tina licked her lips as she stood to put her empty mug in the sink next to Taron. ‘Funny you should ask,’ she said playfully. 

Taron shook his head in fake disbelief. ‘I knew I heard you talking about me. I’ll get it cleaned this morning for you so it can sit for a while before I light it. Can I put towards the shopping? I don’t like the idea of you buying everything.’ 

‘I already told Liliana that I won’t accept any money from the two of you for it. You are my babies and I want to treat you. Am I okay to leave the girls with you now? They’re due to be waking up soon but I have a feeling Tesco will be packed if I leave it much longer.’ 

‘That’s fine,’ Liliana said quietly before she leaned up to kiss Taron’s cheek. ‘I’m going to go and call Matilda. I’ll be right back, babe.’ 

***

As Taron had thought, the barbecue was in need of a deep clean. It wouldn’t take much to get it clean but Taron got the power washer out to help speed things up. In a feeble attempt to stop his t-shirt from getting wet and dirty, he pulled it away from his body and threw it just inside the back door where it would be sage. 

While he cleaned, Liliana and the three young girls all laid out on blankets on the grass together. The three younger girls played on Taron’s Nintendo Switch while Liliana read a book. After working on her second book for so long, it was nice to read for pleasure rather than for work. She’d made sure to pack multiple books for their week away so that she wouldn’t run out of reading material. 

Liliana read her book until Taron rubbed his palms on the back of his jeans to dry them off somewhat. He’d distracted her so well that when Matilda scooted closer to her, she hadn’t flinched. It wasn’t until Matilda tapped her on the leg twice that Liliana diverted her attention away from her boyfriend to her little sister. 

‘Thank you for letting me come,’ Matilda said quietly while she hugged Liliana from the side. 

Liliana turned to her and smiled fondly. For all of their differences, they were still so alike. They had the same personality, and Liliana could feel the love that radiated from Matilda in the small moments. 

‘You are so welcome, Little Bug. Are you excited to start year eight in September? I can’t believe that you’re already in your second year of high school.’ 

‘I’m a little nervous. Year seven was fun but the teachers have said we’re really starting to get into things this next year.’ 

‘Year eight is a little harder than year seven.’ Liliana wasn’t the type of person to sugar coat anything when it came to Matilda. She wanted her to know that things could be hard, and then give her ways around making it easier. ‘But it will go by so fast and you are so smart that you won’t even be able to tell the difference. Before you know it, you’ll be in year eleven and doing your GCSEs. High school can be hard, and I don’t want you to let anybody tell you otherwise. 

‘And people can be awful, trust me on that one. But you are so headstrong, and so incredibly smart that I know you’re going to do amazing. If anybody starts to give you trouble–students or teachers–let me know. Taron and I went to that school and most of the teachers we had are still there and I can talk to them. Mr Francis, he could probably tell you some stories.’ 

‘He’s my English teacher!’ Matilda exclaimed happily. ‘He’s always really fun.’ 

‘That sounds like Mr Francis. He was Taron and me’s English teacher too. He caught us passing notes one day and I don’t think I will ever live that down.’ 

Matilda’s eyes widened in glee. ‘I’m going to ask him about you both in September. Hey, Lili? Do you think that you and Taron will ever get married?’ 

Liliana took a deep breath and moved her attention back to Taron. His back tensed as he cleaned and Liliana couldn’t help but want to run her hands down the length of it and let them settle just inside the waistband of his jeans. She shook her head before her daydream turned into something erotic and turned back to Matilda. 

She leaned in close and whispered, ‘I don’t know, Tilly, but I hope we do. I love him a helluva lot and it would be nice to be married to him.’ 

‘Would you have kids?’ 

‘I don’t know, Til. That’s something that Taron and I would have to talk about one day. Why? Do you want us to get married and have babies?’ 

Matilda nodded. ‘Yeah. I’ve always wanted a brother. And who doesn’t love babies?’ 

Liliana chuckled and hugged Matilda to her side. Though she kept her eyes on Taron. Matilda had planted a thought in Liliana’s mind and it had turned into a whole daydream about one day being able to call Taron her husband. The thought made her insides turn to mush and she couldn’t hold back the grin that took over her face. 

Unbeknownst to anyone else in the garden, Taron had heard Matilda’s question and had strategically taken a break from using the power washer in the hopes that he would hear how Liliana answered. Taron had known since March of the previous year that he wanted to spend the rest of his time on Earth with Liliana. 

In the April of 2022, he had designed and bought a ring that he hoped she would love, ready for whenever Liliana was comfortable enough to take the next step and solidify their relationship further. 

The past eighteen months had been utter bliss for Taron. He finally had the woman of his dreams and his best friend all rolled into one. But he knew that Liliana still faced her inner demons every day and he was willing to wait as long as she needed before he asked her the most important question. 

A couple of months after their trip to Scotland, Liliana had moved in with him and that was enough for Taron. Liliana was the first person he saw when he woke up, and the last person he saw when he went to bed. If they lived like that for the rest of their lives without the titles of husband and wife, he was sure that he wouldn’t have minded. 

Five months prior, when they celebrated their one year anniversary, he had casually brought up the idea of marriage but Liliana had been hesitant. She had drawn in on herself again and Taron knew that it was too much too soon. He apologised for bringing it up and made it up to her again and again that night, whispering sweet nothings into her ear continuously. 

He had hoped that the idea of marriage wouldn’t scare Liliana so much, and he’d come up with a tentative plan to propose to her in November. It would be the two year anniversary of when they reunited at Liliana’s first book launch. But Taron carried the ring with him wherever he went, more so that he didn’t forget where he had hidden it, but also because he was worried about how Liliana might react if she saw it. 

The second he heard Liliana tell Matilda that she wanted to marry him, he thanked his lucky stars that he’d taken the ring to Aberystwyth with him and that it was stashed in the bottom of his suitcase where there was no risk of Liliana coming across it. He decided to seize the moment, and a plan started to form in his head. 

Liliana and Matilda had continued to whisper while Taron had his epiphany, and luckily they hadn’t noticed that he’d stopped cleaning. He closed the lip of the barbecue softly so that it didn’t make too loud of a noise. 

‘Well, I believe it will do for our spur of the moment party this afternoon.’ 

Liliana looked up at Taron and smiled happily, ‘Great job, babe. It looks clean enough to eat off of!’ She winked at him and he gave her a sarcastic look while he planted his hands on both hips and wiggled them joyfully. ‘You are something else.’ 

‘You got that right, baby. I’m going to go and get cleaned up and put my top back on before I join in on all the fun you four are having. Do any of you want a drink while I’m inside?’ 

‘Can you bring us all another can, please? Thank you.’

Taron went back into the house and continued to work on his plan to get Liliana alone for a little while. He hoped that if he timed it right, they could be back at the house to celebrate with everyone before the barbecue was in full swing. 

He bounded up the stairs two at a time and changed into a pair of shorts and a new t-shirt before he grabbed the ring from his suitcase. Before he left the bedroom, Taron checked in the mirror to make sure that the outline of the small, velvet box wasn’t obvious. 

As luck would have it, Tina walked in the front door as Taron got to the bottom of the stairs. She jumped a little but chuckled when she saw that it was only Taron. 

‘God you have a way of sneaking up on me,’ she laughed. 

‘It was totally not on purpose,’ Taron laughed. ‘Let me help you with these bags. What did you buy, woman? They’re heavier than the girls.’ 

‘Hush your mouth, child. Though I may have gotten carried away with snacks. So the chances are we’re eating all of this over the next few days.’ 

‘That sounds like a plan to me. I actually need your help with something.’ 

‘Sure, baby. What do you need?’ 

Tine looked at her son with a puzzled look plastered on her face. She could tell that Taron was up to something but she couldn’t fathom what it could possibly be. He put the bags he carried down on the table and then turned to his mum fully. 

He checked the back garden to make sure that none of the girls were on their way inside before he stuffed his hand into his pocket and gripped the small box that he’d kept well hidden for almost two years. 

‘I happened to overhear Liliana telling Matilda that she hopes that we get married one day. And I figured, why not ask her today?’ He pulled the box out of his pocket and snapped it open to show his mum the ring. ‘This wasn’t the plan but I can’t wait any longer. It’s been such a long time coming. She’s the one, mum. Liliana is the one that I’m going to spend the rest of my life with.’ 

Tina’s jaw was on the floor and she had tears in her eyes. It wasn’t a surprise that Taron wanted to propose. She’d known how Taron felt about Liliana for years, but she hadn’t had a clue that he already had a ring. 

‘I was going to tell you that I planned to propose but I just can’t wait any longer.’ 

‘Oh my goodness, this is amazing. My baby boy is going to propose!’ Tina’s voice got louder and Taron immediately turned to the back garden. 

‘Mam,’ he shushed her through gritted teeth. 

‘I’m sorry, honey, this is just so exciting! What do you need my help with?’ 

Taron closed the box and stuffed it back in his pocket so that there wasn’t a risk of anybody else seeing it before the time was right. ‘I need you to distract Rosie, Marie and Matilda while I get Liliana up to Constitution Hill. I thought it only fitting that I ask her there. It’s one of the most important places to us.’ 

Tina nodded in understanding and pulled Taron in for a long hug. ‘Of course, that would be perfect. And leave it to me, I’ll make sure the youngest are good while you’re gone. I’m so proud of you, little boy. And I’m so happy that Liliana is ready for forever. I told her that she can call me mum if she wants to and she got emotional. She’s really starting to open up more and I’m so happy.’ 

‘I think she’s finally ready to accept that she’s part of a family now. I just want to make it official. I’m going to go and get her. We won’t be too long, promise.’ 

‘Take your time, Taron.’ 

‘Thanks, mam. I love you.’ 

‘I love you too.’ 

Taron hugged his mum once more before he walked to the back door and admired the four girls at the top of the garden. He slowly made his way over towards them. 

‘Hey, Love Bug, come here for a second,’ Taron called to Liliana as he neared where she rested on the grass. He opened his arms and Liliana automatically stepped into them when she got up. ‘Mum’s just got back from Tesco and it’s such a lovely day out. What do you say we got for a walk quickly? I was thinking about Constitution Hill. It’s been so long since we’ve been up there.’ 

Liliana gave Taron the same puzzled look his mum had and asked, ‘But what about the barbecue? Surely we could help your mum get everything ready? She’s already done so much by doing the shopping on her own. I can’t leave her to prepare everything on her own too.’ 

‘She had mentioned asking the girls to help her prepare everything, and you know how much they all love to help out in the kitchen. Especially when Matilda is here.’ 

Liliana was still visibly sceptical, but she couldn’t deny that she would love some alone time with Taron. ‘Sure, babe, that sounds like a great idea. But let’s take the funicular up so we aren’t gone too long. I would still like to help your mum prepare some stuff.’ 

‘My thoughts exactly,’ Taron smiled as he leaned down to kiss Liliana. ‘Come on, let’s get going.’ 

He wrapped his arm around Liliana’s shoulder and walked them towards the garden gate that led them down the side of the house and to the street. Matilda looked up at Liliana and the crease in her brow was obvious even from where Liliana was. 

‘We’re just going to take a quick walk up the hill. We’ll be back before the barbecue starts, I promise,’ Liliana assured Matilda. 

Matilda smiled and gave her a small wave goodbye before going back to playing games with the other two. Liliana waved at Tina as they passed the kitchen window. She could have sworn that Tina winked at her when she passed by, but the sun was streaming in through the window so Liliana thought that it must have been the sunlight getting in her eyes. 

***

Liliana had clocked the grey clouds making their way to town before Taron had, but she was sure the forecast hadn’t predicted rain so she hadn’t mentioned anything. Though she wished she had when she felt the first drops of rain hit her skin. Taron groaned loudly and grabbed her hand to pull her into the nearest empty doorway. 

He pushed her against the wall softly and looked down at her with so much love that Liliana could physically feel her heart pulling towards Taron’s. Her hands slid up his front until she could pull him closer to her by the neck. 

Her lips brushed over his and as she was about to pull away, Taron leaned forward and kissed her passionately. She sighed dreamily into him and held onto him tighter. When they had been caught in the rain and took shelter in a shop doorway all those sixteen years before, all Liliana had wanted was for Taron to kiss her. 

Liliana smiled into the kiss and Taron copied. He thought the same thing and without needing to use words, they gave each other what their younger selves wanted. 

‘Do you think they’d be happy?’ Liliana asked when they pulled apart to catch their breath. 

‘Who?’ 

‘Our eighteen year old selves. Can you imagine telling them that in sixteen years they would be back hiding from the rain but happily kissing one another because they were in a relationship and had been for over a year?’ 

Taron thought for a moment as he held Liliana close. The rain had stopped already but they made no moves to continue their walk. He let his hands trail up to Liliana’s waist where he held her against him. He just hoped that she wouldn’t reach her hands down too low where she would feel the ring box nestled safely in his pocket. 

‘I think they’d be annoyed that it took us so long to say something to one another,’ he said with a small smile. ‘But then I think they would be so happy. I know younger me would be. All I wanted that day was to kiss you.’ 

‘All I wanted was for you to kiss me.’ 

‘Then this is for younger us,’ he smiled before he leaned down to plant another kiss to Liliana’s welcoming lips.

***

Thankfully the rain hadn’t stopped the funicular and it was running when they got to the bottom of Constitution Hill. Liliana climbed in first and took a seat on the small bench to the left. Taron squeezed in next to her and put his arm around her shoulder happily. 

‘Thank you for indulging me, Lil. I love spending time with everyone at home but I wanted a little bit of uninterrupted alone time with you.’ 

Nobody else stepped onto the funicular and as it started to carry them up the hill, Taron leaned in and kissed Liliana. It was deep and passionate, and the passion behind it caught Liliana off guard momentarily. Though she leaned in and kissed him back just as fervently. It didn’t matter how much time passed, kissing Taron was still her favourite feeling in the world. 

‘Thank you for suggesting this, T,’ she panted when Taron pulled away. ‘I agree, it is very nice to have some alone time with you. No funny business though, we are still in public and the ride up is only a few minutes.’ Liliana wagged a finger at Taron and he put his hands up in surrender with a devilish grin. 

‘I wouldn’t dream of it, Love Bug. But there’s nothing saying we can’t have a cheeky make out session, right?’ Taron winked at Liliana and leaned in to kiss her again. 

By the time they pulled apart, they were nearing the top of the hill. Taron grabbed Liliana’s hand as he stepped out so that he could help her climb out of the carriage safely. She thanked him softly and leaned her hand on his shoulder as they walked. 

The closer they got to the edge of the hill, the more Taron’s nerves started to hit him. His throat got dry and his hands had started to shake. He hoped that if Liliana could feel the shake, she would think that he was a little on the chillier side. The drop in temperature at the top of the hill worked in his favour. 

Liliana pulled away from Taron and walked towards the edge faster than Taron. The views never failed to amaze her and the second she saw the entire bay, her lips curled into a smile and she took a deep breath. Her love for Aberystwyth grew once again when she’d started to go back with Taron. She no longer dreaded being there because she knew that she would be with the people who loved her the most. 

The sunshine that had come back quickly after the rain had stopped, and by the time that they got off of the funicular, nobody would have known that it had been raining ten minutes previously thanks to the almost cloudless sky that had taken over. 

Liliana towed Taron in the direction of their spot while she soaked up the sunshine, her head tilted up to get as much vitamin C as she could. They had never officially declared what part of the hill was their spot, but they both knew. They had spent countless hours up there talking about life while watching the clouds. 

It was where Liliana had felt the safest when she was a teenager, and it was where they had realised that they had fallen for each other all those years ago. Liliana stood right at the edge and looked out at the sea. Small waves crashed against the bottom of the hill and Liliana matched her breathing to each crash. 

There was a faint smell of seaweed in the air and the Y Consti cafe behind them wafted the smell of freshly ground coffee into the air. Taron stepped next to Liliana and took her hand in his. They stood and stared out at the sea for a moment, taking in the warm breeze and the few fluffy clouds that dotted the sky. 

As Liliana was about to tell Taron that she was enjoying the moment with him, she felt him tug on her hand. When she turned to face him, he was lowering himself onto his left knee. He took the ring box from his pocket and Liliana’s breath caught in her throat. 

‘Taron,’ she managed to choke out as she squeezed his hand tightly. Tears had already found their way to her eyes and she couldn’t help the ones that fell down the length of her cheeks. 

‘Don’t say anything yet,’ he said quickly before he gulped. ‘Please. I want to say this before I forget anything I want to say.’ 

Liliana nodded, allowing Taron the room to say whatever he needed to. Though she knew what was coming. Her heart thumped rapidly deep within her chest and tiny drops of sweat started to build on the small of her back as the anticipation of what was about to happen poured over her. 

When Matilda had asked her earlier in the day if she was going to marry Taron, Liliana hadn’t expected for Taron to propose to her that day. Things started to fall into place as she watched Taron. She’d not taken notice of it before but she should have realised that Taron had stopped cleaning at the right time, and then the next thing she knew, he whisked her away to their spot and he was on one knee in front of her. 

She swiped away the tears that had started to fall so that she could look at Taron clearly, but she couldn’t wipe them away fast enough. They were falling freely down her cheeks and she saw a couple of people out of the corner of her eye watching the scene unfold in front of them. 

‘It has been almost sixteen years since I said goodbye to you on that train platform,’ Taron started through a shaky breath. ‘When the train pulled out, I remember wondering if I was ever going to see you again. It was like I was losing the thing that mattered the most to me. When I got home, I sat in your chair and I just cried. I didn’t want you to leave, but I didn’t know if I was allowed to say anything. I remember thinking that I’d lost you for good.’ 

Taron paused and took a deep, shaky breath. Liliana wanted nothing more than to reach out and cup his cheek, to pull him into her body and hold him until the end of time. She wanted to be the one to look after him. But she held back so that he could continue in his own time. Liliana was in no rush. They had the rest of their lives to look forward to. 

‘Then one morning when I was checking my mail, I found an invitation to a book launch. The second I read the name on top, Liliana Esme, I could feel the hole in my heart shrink a little.’ 

Liliana could remember making the guest list for the book launch as if it were only yesterday. She’d been asked to give a list of names of people who meant the most to her. When Taron’s name popped into her mind, she couldn’t decide what to do. It had already been over a decade since she’d last seen him, and a whole lifetime had occurred in that time. 

She knew that it was a long shot that he would turn up, but she invited him anyway. And she would send that invite again just to have Taron by her side again. 

‘You have always been my safe space, Lil, and I have loved you since we were eighteen years old. I wake up every morning and fall in love with you even more. The hole in my heart healed when I saw you again, and every day with you makes the scar grow smaller. 

‘These past eighteen months with you have been the best of my life. It’s been a continuous adventure and I can’t wait to relive every single one for the rest of my life. I have loved dancing in Washington Square Park with you; eating croissants on a balcony in the middle of Paris; swimming in the Mediterranean Sea; running into the sea down there in the middle of the night in just our underwear.’ 

Liliana laughed through the tears that streamed freely down her face, and she held Taron’s hand tighter, if that were even possible. A stray tear fell down Taron’s cheek and Liliana leaned forward to wipe it away with her free hand. Taron leaned into her touch and let the corner of his lips turn up into a gentle smile. 

‘Liliana, you are the strongest person I know, and the love that you show everyone around you knows no bounds. You love so hard, and with everything in you. Yet you struggle to love yourself, even now. It’s almost as though you are so busy loving everyone else that you forget to share that love with yourself. 

‘I want to be the person who shows you love when you don’t feel like you can show it to yourself. I do not want you to ever feel the way you felt growing up. You’ve had me in your corner forever, but I am going to prove to you that I’m not leaving that corner. Not for one second. On your hardest days, I will be there. On days where we’re frustrated with one another, I will be in your corner. I will be in your corner no matter what. 

‘I want you to feel loved every second of every day. And one day, I hope that you’ll have children in your corner. Children that you brought into the world. That…we brought into the world.’ 

Liliana took a deep breath. The thought of children wasn’t as scary as she would have imagined, but she was nowhere near ready to think about it yet. Though she knew Taron wouldn’t push anything, ever. 

‘You are going to make an amazing mum one day, Lil. I have no doubt about it. I love you more than I ever thought it possible to love someone. You are still my safe space, my guiding light, my strength on my weakest days, and my warmth on my coldest days. I want us to be a family. I want us to start a family that will always show you love. ‘

Taron took another shaky breath and looked up at Liliana. His eyes were steady as they fixated on Liliana’s, and his hands stopped shaking just enough that he was able to snap the ring box open. 

Liliana’s breath caught in the back of her throat as she looked at the delicate ring in front of her. It was everything she could have imagined and so much more. The sapphire and diamond ring glistened beautifully in the sun that shone down around them. 

The smile she gave Taron was so big that it hurt her cheeks and she could barely see in front of her. But her smile told Taron everything he needed to know. She was ready. Liliana was ready to start the next chapter of her life. She was ready to be a wife, ready to take on the world with Taron, and ready to open up her life to him wholly. 

‘Liliana Esme,’ Taron continued through a smile equally as wide as Liliana’s, ‘will you marry me?’

[indelibleevidence]

Broken Wings, chapter 1 (Reller, M-rated)

Author's Note: Also on FanFiction.Net and AO3! Updating on Saturdays, because I made sure to actually finish the fic before I started posting it, to ensure I didn't consign it to WIP hell like my other WIPs. XD

Wow, this is going to be a lot of explaining, but here we go! First off, if you haven't read Strikethrough, Crossroads, and the Damaged Goods summaries for the rest of the fics that I haven't written in between Crossroads and this one, go do that first. There's also a one-shot called Stalling that's set a month or two before this fic, but it's not necessary reading to get what's going on here.

This fic contains suicidal ideation, suicidal distress, and a depiction of Remi at rock bottom. If you're in a bad place, it might be better if you don't read this right now. (And I hope you feel less terrible soon.)

Remi is a lot different from the Remi in Crossroads. She's got pretty much all of her memories from her Jane years back now, and is a little bit softer and less sweary, until she's provoked, and then she reverts to 'fuck you' mode. Much like Jane's 4x15/4x16 self in canon, she's overwhelmed by the weight of her past mistakes, as Remi and as Jane. She's definitely not on the 'yay, law enforcement' train, and is still mostly ACAB in nature, but she knows that at least Kurt and his team are well-intentioned, and their eyes are open to the corruption within the system (mainly because of the first set of tattoos). By this point in my timeline, she also has accepted the fact that she's in love with Kurt, but she'd die before she'd ever admit it to him.

Jane is referred to as a third person throughout this fic, because neither Remi nor Kurt are at the 'Jane and Remi are just two time periods sans memories for one person' stage of acceptance. Also because it's easier for me, as a writer, to differentiate between those different time periods and mindsets by just using the names she was going by at the time. I do think that in another year down the Damaged Goods timeline, both Remi and Kurt will stop referring to Jane as a separate entity, but Remi kind of needs it right now, and though Kurt is further down the line as seeing Jane as a part of Remi, he's still getting there too. So things might seem a little bit disassociative identity disordery, and I apologise to anyone who might stumble upon this who actually lives with DID and hates what I did with this. But Remi is compartmentalising a LOT, though interestingly enough, now she's seeing Jane as the better person, whereas before, she loathed Jane with the fire of a thousand suns. The difference a few memories can make...

This fic is complete, so I'll post updates on Saturdays, I guess. This is my first time actually finishing a multi-chaptered fic before starting to post, but I really didn't want to start posting another WIP that was going to hang around in limbo (I'm sorry, Remember to Forgive and Taken for Granted fans! I will get there, I hope!).

Lastly, I really have to thank nachosandcheeze for her enthusiasm for this AU, and her encouragement for me to keep writing for it. She's not the only one who's been lovely about it (and thank you to everyone who cares about my weird little enemies to lovers universe where Jane never quite made it back to her brain - really, you guys are fantastic!), but she's been pretty consistently poking me with metaphorical sticks, and making Remi gifsets, and squeeing over Reller, etc. - to the point where I showed her the half-scene I had written from a fic several fics away from where I'd left off with Crossroads, just to get it out of my brain. And she loved it so much that I wrote a bit more, and a bit more, until over 16k later, I ended up with this. So thank you again, nachos. You're proof that nagging a fic author for more story does actually work, sometimes! :D

*

Absently tracing the carving on the stone with her finger, Remi glanced over to the small vial of clear liquid on her nightstand. It sat on top of a small, leatherbound booklet—El Libro de la Eternidad—which she’d smuggled out of Peru, along with the stone brick from Machu Picchu. Maybe she should feel guilty that she’d stolen a couple of pieces of Peruvian history from its citizens, even if one of them was a loose brick, but after all the things she’d done in her short fuck-up of a life, her conscience was way past that. And the brick contained a carved message for her: RB 4 RB, Roman Briggs for Remi Briggs, along with binary code that pointed to Roman’s data caches, and a message that had made tears sting her eyes.

Hey, sis.

I got you something. I never solved this one.

 I hope you can. I did my best.

May you outlive this… for both of us.

Your brother, always,

Roman

Even during his bitter feud with Jane—Remi still flinched to think of him ZIPped and claustrophobic in his FBI cell, even though she now remembered Jane’s reasons, and her anguish at her brother’s state—Roman had still been looking for a cure for her. He’d had his own, the one she’d stolen from Dr. Roga and used to cure herself—after all, Roman had died before he’d had the chance to benefit from it. But still, he’d hunted down more Stanton cells, which meant that now, Remi had a cure for ZIP poisoning all lined up.

She had everything she needed. If Roman’s cache intel was right, New York billionaire hypochondriac Ken Lee would trade El Libro de la Eternidad for the Stanton cells. Dr. Roga could synthesise a new cure, if Kurt approached her. And Remi would need that cure, because the ZIP on the nightstand would be going into her body, as soon as she laid the plan out for Kurt.

There was just one more thing left to do.

Setting aside Roman’s carving, she accessed the video recording setting on her phone, and held it up so that her face was visible. She’d made a video for her future self once before, to further Phase One of her grand plan by introducing Jane to Oscar, and verifying his trustworthiness.

And you know how that turned out, her internal critic whispered.

Swallowing hard, Remi made herself focus on the task at hand, ignoring the guilt gnawing on the synapses at the back of her mind. How was she going to start this thing? Saying hello seemed redundant.

“I know you’re suffering right now, and I’m sorry for that. You don’t remember your old life, and that’s intentional. Please, trust me when I say you shouldn’t go hunting for the finer details. I’m sparing you a lifetime of pain and futility by taking the ZIP, even though you might not be able to appreciate that.”

She sounded whiny as hell, but how else could she put it? She had to make future Jane understand that this was for the best.

“The only options, as I see them, are suicide or ZIP. I’ve got enough here that I should be able to wipe out any trace of my old memories. You might get a few flashes, but I hope you don’t. You don’t need to go through this again.”

If you weren’t such a coward, you’d just put a shotgun barrel in your mouth and pull the trigger. Maybe Jane would think she was cowardly. But she wasn’t afraid to die. She just didn’t want Kurt to have to suffer, knowing his wife was dead along with Remi.

“I’m doing this, instead of killing myself, because you have good people around you, people I’ve already hurt enough, and don’t want to hurt any more by making them lose you. You have loyal friends. A husband who loves you very much. Things will be hard for you at first, but you’ll build a life again, like you did before. And this time, you’ll know who did this to you, and why, and you won’t have me telling you to disregard your instincts and undermine the people you care about. I was misled, and betrayed, but I made bad choices, too. I was too stubborn to see it for so long, but the first time we were ZIPped, Jane found happiness, and a new purpose, and even though I still don’t think law enforcement is the shining star of morality… If you’re working with Kurt and his team, you’ll be working towards good things. Hold onto that.”

She took a breath, picking up the ancient Peruvian brick again.

“The one thing I want to tell you about is my—our—brother, Roman. Or Ian. That was his birth name, just like yours was Alice. Ian Kruger. Later, Roman Briggs. He wasn’t perfect, as I’m sure Kurt will tell you. But he was a follower his whole life, not a leader. He followed me, and our adopted mother, because he loved us, and didn’t want to be rejected. Jane hurt him too much, and he turned on her, and on Kurt, but deep down, he was a good man. He just wanted a loving family, to belong somewhere.”

She held the brick up in the camera’s sight. “I want you to keep this. Take care of it. This points to his last message from him to me, on his data caches. To Remi, I mean. Not the old version of Jane.” How did things get so confusing? “I have the actual message saved on my phone, so you should be able to see the message itself there. As for the brick, I took it from Peru, along with something to bargain with for a cure for your ZIP poisoning. Roman was looking for a cure for me, even while he knew I—the old Jane—was working to bring him down. He just wanted his sister back, I guess.”

If she kept this up for much longer, she was going to get too damn emotional, and there was no way she was willing to break down and cry on video. She had to cut this short. “Roman and I went through hell together, and that’s one of the things I don’t want you to remember anything about, so I won’t go into it. But we survived our childhood by relying on each other, and then our teenage years were the same, in a different way. We used to pass a South African rand coin our parents gave us back and forth, giving it to each other as a gift. It wasn’t worth much back then—and it’d buy even less now—but its symbolic value for us was priceless. For Roman, it was a comfort object. Jane buried him with it, so I don’t have it now, but I wanted you to know about it.”

She dug her fingernails into her palm, a technique she’d first used at the orphanage to keep outwardly calm, while a torrent of emotions churned within her. The pain centred her, making the grief easier to bear.

“Things went so wrong, but I never stopped loving Roman, even as Jane. And he never stopped loving me.”

She sighed, knowing she should say more, should give Jane more closure, but knowing she’d never be able to get through it on camera. Maybe she’d write Jane a letter, before Kurt ZIPped her.

“I hope you can build a life again, and find happiness. You sure as hell couldn’t do worse than I did. Please, look forward, not back. There’s nothing here but pain. Good luck.”

She threw down the phone and buried her face in her hands, breathing deeply, striving for the numbness that could get her through the final days of this life. Soon she’d fly to New York, and wipe the slate clean.

The end of my memories can’t come soon enough. I can’t do this anymore.

*

Three days later…

Kurt stared from the vial and hypodermic needle to his wife, a rapidly growing pit in his stomach. What…is happening here? What the hell, Remi?

“It’s okay,” she said, shrugging as though this was a foregone conclusion, a logical end to everything they’d battled through on their way to this moment. “I’ve made my peace with it. There’s nothing left here for me now. This is Jane’s world, and I don’t belong in it. At least…at least this way, you can get her back. Or as close to it as it’s possible to get.”

“It’s okay?” he finally managed to say, his throat choked with an intense mass of emotions that he couldn’t even begin to analyse right now. “Your identity is what makes you you, Remi. You’ve fought to defend it so damn hard, it nearly drove us apart for good. You’ve spent over a year getting so many of your memories back, and now you want a clean slate again? I know you remember how hard it was for you after Times Square, and after Cape Town.”

She wrapped her arms around herself, still not meeting his eyes. “The first time, you didn’t know who Jane was. Nobody knew. This time, everyone will. And she’ll have you, and your friends. It’s…easier that way. Even though I hated you when I found out what had happened to Sandstorm, at least I had…” She shook her head. “Anyway—Jane will adjust quickly. You can get the woman you married back, as she was.”

The words shook him, in so many different ways. He rubbed a hand over his face, floundering to make sense of everything.

To get his Jane back…it was everything he’d dreamed of for so long. During those ten months that Remi had gone off the radar, he’d been desperate to find a way to bring Jane back to the forefront of her mind. Aside from Bethany and work, it had been all he’d thought about, and he’d be lying if he said he didn’t feel a spark of hope for that outcome now.

But it was all wrong. It was a fairytale. Jane had been a product of the situation she’d been in, from the bag in Times Square to not knowing who she was, to thinking she was Taylor Shaw and then discovering she wasn’t, to being tortured by the CIA—and then discovering she used to be Remi Briggs, daughter of the leader of a terrorist organisation. She’d become who she was because of the way things had been back then, the way her new life had unfolded, and there was no way to know how much of that would be replicated in a newly ZIPped Remi.

Remi. God… I… He swallowed hard, something akin to grief seeping into his bones.

“What about you? This is like…like mental suicide for a huge part of you. You really want to kill yourself that badly? Why not shoot yourself in the head? Jump off a building? Overdose on pills?” His voice was harsher than he meant it to come out—demanding, angry.

Terrified. He was goddamn terrified.

Remi flinched at his tone, finally looking into his eyes. “Because you don’t want to live without her. And if I did one of those things, you’d have to face that she’d never come back.”

He rose from the couch abruptly, the twister of conflicted emotions within him too much to handle if he stayed still. Tears filled his eyes as he stalked over to the kitchen, and he rested his palms on the worktop, his back to Remi, as he tried to breathe.

“So you really want to die?” he managed to ask.

“There’s nothing left for me. My mother, my brother, my friends, my cause, my convictions… Everything is gone, Weller. There’s no point in trying to rebuild. I’ve spent the past year not knowing what to do with myself, fucking things up…”

He turned on her, snarling, “There’s nothing left for you? Then what the hell am I? Why do you keep coming back? After everything that’s happened, you don’t care enough to stick around?”

She got to her feet, crossed the room, her eyes sad. “The only thing I care about in this life is you, and I hurt you constantly, just by not being Jane. This way, it kills two birds with one stone. My empty life goes away, and you get Jane back. You get to be happy, and I get to…forget.”

A tear slid down his cheek, and he dashed it away impatiently. “Remi…”

She reached up to brush another tear from the corner of his eye, her fingers gentle. “I don’t want either of us to hurt anymore. We’ve suffered enough.”

Staring down at her, he finally put names to the emotions within him. Fear and pain had been easy to identify on their own, but they were joined by a surge of something else, so strong and fierce and breathtakingly real that he could hardly bear it.

Remi… Fuck, I can’t lose you. I need you.

I love you.

Despite everything she’d done to him, all the mental torment she’d put him through, the bitter arguments they’d had, the misunderstandings and deceit that had shredded their trust in each other…he’d fallen for the whole of her, just as hard as he had for the Jane part of her. Remi was Jane, intensified. She’d called herself damaged goods, and he couldn’t disagree, but so was he. Remi understood him in a way Jane never could have on her own.

And he was suddenly, powerfully certain that she loved him just as much.

Unable to control himself, he pulled her into his arms, giving her a crushing kiss that seemed to shock the breath from her, even as she returned it just as ardently. Part of him wanted to reject this whole conversation, carry her to bed, fuck her until they were both too exhausted to do anything but fall asleep in each other’s arms.

But this was too serious to hide from, even temporarily. He had to make his position clear.

Wrenching away from her, he stalked over to the table, picked up the small bottle of ZIP and brought it to the kitchen sink. Unscrewing the lid, he poured the contents down the drain, then dropped the bottle and turned to Remi, who was staring at him as though he’d gone mad.

“What the hell?” she demanded.

“Listen to me,” he told her, his eyes locked on hers. “I will never use that stuff on you. Ever. It doesn’t matter to me that there’s a cure for ZIP poisoning all lined up. There’s no going back for us. I can’t just inject you and turn you back into the Jane you used to be. It wouldn’t work like that.”

She sighed, looking down at the splashes of ZIP remaining in the sink. “Better the devil you know than the angel you don’t?”

He cupped her face in both hands, making sure she couldn’t look away from his face. “You’re my devil, and my angel, and everything in between. Remi, the thought of losing you scares the hell out of me. You’re my wife, and you may not be the way you were when we got married, but you’re still the woman I fell in love with, deep down.”

She was frowning, shaking her head, and he rested his forehead against hers, closing his eyes as she drew in a shaky breath.

“I love you, just as much as I did when you were Jane. You didn’t make it easy to get to know you, but every time you let me in a little more, I fell for you even further. I need you to stay you.”

“What?” She breathed the word, and he opened his eyes to find her visibly trembling. Her expression was a study in contradictions. Fear. Hope. Anger. Longing.

Kurt smiled sadly. “It’s too late. I already know you love me, too.”

She tore herself out of his arms, stepped out of his reach. “Stop it. This has gone far enough, Weller.”

“No. It hasn’t gone anywhere near far enough. You’re so scared of making yourself vulnerable, of being hurt again, that you’re hurting yourself so that I’ll never have that power over you.” He took a step closer, and she backed into the living room immediately.

He’d once mentally compared her to a trapped animal, defensively clawing and snarling out of fear. He saw that same distress in her now, and ached to hold her, even though it would only make the situation worse.

“I thought we were over this,” she said, her voice brittle. “I’m not Jane.”

“No, you’re not Jane. You’re Remi. I see you, the whole of you. I know exactly who you are, and I love you.”

She eyed the apartment door, her fists bunched at her sides and her jaw set.

“Don’t run from this. Please.” He took another slow, careful step, and though she backed up again, her eyes were on him once more.

“You never took off your wedding ring, even when you were telling me you hated me. You’ve opened up to me more than once. You’ve trusted me to keep you safe, and you’ve forgiven me for mistakes I’ve made, and I’ve done the same for you.”

She pulled at the ring on her finger, trying to remove it. “You can believe what you want to believe, but it’s not true. It was just about sex and anger, and then we became friends with benefits. That’s it.”

He caught hold of her left hand and held it between his, before she could take off the wedding band. “You didn’t even want to admit you wanted me, back when we first realised we still needed each other. Even when you were halfway to coming. Is it gonna be the same now?”

She snorted, but didn’t try to yank her hand free from his. “What, you think you’re gonna fuck a confession of love out of me? It’s not the same thing, Weller.”

“Is that what it’s gonna take?” He couldn’t pretend he was surprised. They’d resolved so many of their other issues through arguing their way into sex. Why would this be any different?

Her jaw trembled before she firmed it, glaring at him. “No, because it won’t work. It’s not true.”

With anyone else, he’d take that as their final answer. A rejection that he’d have to accept and move on from. But with Remi, things had never been straightforward and simple.

She tested him at every turn, refusing to take anything he said at face value, and this thing with the ZIP was likely a part of it. He wanted to believe that was all it was—a manipulation, a shock tactic designed to scare him into laying all his cards on the table—but his gut told him otherwise.

She would never have risked him saying yes to her offer to ‘become Jane again’ if she hadn’t been prepared to accept the consequences. She was too proud to back down from something she’d said she’d do. And that meant that she really was at a desperate end point, unable to find a way to move forward from the ruins they’d left of her pre-ZIP life.

Kurt needed her to see that he could help her find the path, if she’d only trust herself to walk it. But first, she had to know he wasn’t going anywhere, that he wasn’t just settling for a doppelgänger until he decided to stop clinging to Jane’s memory.

And they both had to be clear where they stood with each other.

“Look me in the eye and tell me you don’t love me.”

Remi stared at him, for a moment seeming completely taken aback. Then her protective bravado and anger kicked in. “You say ‘jump’, I say ‘how high’? No!”

Even as he understood her reasons for refusing—knew she was just trying to protect herself—her words still stung.

“I love you, Remi.” He shrugged, standing straighter as he laid out his challenge. “If you don’t feel the same way, I need to know. So come on—break my heart.”

God, this is going to hurt.

He believed that she loved him. But whether she’d ever admit it to herself, let alone to him, was another story entirely.