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bookfanatic06 · 1 month ago

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I haven’t written anything in over a decade, but this head canon just won’t go away. I’ve often wondered if the idea of “like calls to like” will be prevalent in Elriel’s book like in all the others. I really feel like Elain is hiding some deep shit that just can’t be ignored. This piece is really what I think could happen if Elain deep down shares Azriel’s penchant for self loathing and low self esteem. She gets so much crap from the fandom for being boring, I really see her surprising us with some darker personality traits.

Also, my favorite thing about this other than the Elriel fluff is Nesta. I wanted to see her and Elain making up after the events of ACOSF on page. I didn’t hate Nesta, just thought she treated my baby El poorly.

I’m not sure if I’ll write more to this, or if it’s going to stay a one shot. I’m also not sure if I’m ready to post to AO3. I’m a mom with 3 kids and a full time teaching gig. I’m not sure I have it in me.

So here is my first shot at writing Elriel.

Unworthy

Words: 5112

Angst/Romance

Pairings: Major: Elain Archeron/Azriel,

Minor: Feyre/Rhysand, Cassian/Nesta, Varian/Amren

———————

Remember who you are, Kingslayer.

She breathes to herself as she stares at her reflection in the mirror, plastering on the smile she knows her family would never second guess. Perfected so much over the years in her mother’s keep, as she was taught to never reveal her true emotions, to never let anyone see the heartbreak, the pain of unworthiness embedded in her very soul.

The dreams plaguing her at the moment, the ones that increase with the unyielding torrent of emotions swirling in her mind, are of her family having lost their use of her. That she has become a burden that they can cast aside so needlessly. So she sits at the mirror and contemplates how to be helpful. She’ll practice those new recipes that she received from that fae female at the market. She’ll make the gardens of Velaris so beautiful, people will ask for her. She’ll care for Nyx when his parents need a break.

But still, she feels the hole in her chest and wonders if it’ll be enough. Will she forever be cast aside or passed over in favor of her sisters because of their far more important accomplishments?

What exactly has she accomplished?

I killed the King of Hybern. She whispers so that only the shadows can hear. Not Nesta, as all of Prythian seemed to believe. She knows she pushed that knife into his throat, she still dreams about it; still feels the hilt of the blade in her hands. Even the shadows, the ones that she felt the comforting presence of for so long, have gone quiet since solstice.

She knows that her sisters are magnificent. That they both have earned their right to voice their opinions and be cherished in this world. Feyre, the High Lady that the Night Court deserves, and Nesta, the warrior she was always meant to be. But Elain, she carries the weight of unworthiness everywhere she goes. She wasn’t born to lead, she wasn’t born to be a warrior. She was born with a gentle heart, with a delicate resolve. But a will of iron.

You shoved that knife into his neck. You aren’t as gentle as you believe yourself to be.

She’s intimately familiar with self loathing by now. It curls around her like the vines that wrap around the fortress of her mind. But that voice, the voice that is hers, but much more confidently so, tries to remind her of what she has to offer. Her heart breaks as the self loathing pushes through whispers, “He doesn’t want someone who is brittle and weak. He wants someone courageous, someone with fire in their heart, someone like…”

Mor.

Despite the months that have passed since she found herself alone in the foyer in the early morning hours of Winter Solstice, she is still tortured by the thought that even her dearest friend, or whom she believed him to be, had been repulsed by her meritless existence. The pain of that night has yet to ebb, and she wonders if, at some point in her immortal life, it ever will.

She huffs a breath and stands from her vanity, moving to open the door and walk into the hallway, that gentle but false smile she’s perfected on her face.

As she reaches the kitchen, she is surprised to find Feyre, eyes clouded with sleep, hair poking out of the halfhearted braid she probably threw together before bed the previous night, holding a bottle to Nyx’s whimpering mouth.

“I think he’s starting to teethe. He’s been like this all night.” Feyre’s eyes flicker to Elain quickly before resting on her son’s mouth as it attaches to the bottle and then detaches with a small wail. Elain opens her arms, a silent request to take over – and make herself useful.

“I’ll take him, you go get some sleep.” She says gently, taking the babe into her arms. Feyre gives her a tired smile.

“Rhys and I are so lucky to have you here with us, El.”

Elain’s false smile returns to her features, and before she can give herself away, she shoos her sister out of the kitchen to take over as Nyx’s caregiver. She cradles her nephew to her, his chest to her own, rubbing circles on his back, between his little wings as she’s watched her sister and Rhys do time and time again. For a moment, the hole in her heart fills with the love she has for the babe in her arms. It doesn’t escape her, that if her life hadn’t so explicitly changed thanks to the betrayal that left her at the mercy of The Cauldron, she would probably have a babe of her very own by now. THAT thought doesn’t hurt as much as she thinks it should.

Because a child with Grayson would have been a monumental mistake.

The thought is gone as fast as it had come. That’s one part of her life that she is resolute in. Being Grayson’s wife, the mother to his brood, would NOT have been a step up from her current existence. She’s not sure how she knows that, perhaps from watching how Feyre and Nesta are treated by their mates. The unmatched adoration, the passion between the mates that she can sense from the couples as she plays the fifth wheel.

Why don’t I feel that way towards my own?

It’s not lost on her that she covets the bond her sisters have with their mates; what it must feel like knowing that your mate would give their very lives for your happiness. Her and her mate can barely be in the same room as each other, the bond an uncomfortable tether pulling at her rib.

She had once asked how it felt for her sisters, to see if the bond was true…

“It’s a blossoming warmth in my chest. The pull to Rhys is oftentimes so strong that I can't imagine my life before him.” Feyre had told her.

Her and her mate definitely could not relate.

But that warmth, she could have sworn she felt it before. When three fae males had walked into her home in the humanlands, and she had chanced a glance into the hazel eyes of the fae male with sapphire gems on his leathers. His gaze had caused her breath to catch, and every once in a while, when the war was over and she would be in his presence again, she would find herself looking into those eyes and she could almost feel the ghost of that warmth in her chest. Her breath would catch every time.

That hole was deep and chilled now.

The circles she’s been rubbing on her nephew’s back have quieted his little whimpers and he’s quiet on her chest as she moves to the window overlooking the gardens she’s cared for all these months. The gardens bloom in the vibrant colors of late spring. In her angst, she just wishes that the loveliness of the flowers she’s cultivated filled that hole in her chest that she so achingly wants to forget. An ache that, for the moment, her nephew in her arms has dulled significantly.

“Little one, you hold my heart in your hands.” She whispers as she kisses the thick black hair on his tiny head. At two months old, Nyx is the splitting image of his father, with Feyre’s temper to boot.

She sways back and forth, Nyx a solid presence, a weight holding her down to this earth. She almost misses the sound of the front door opening, but turns just in time to see the eyes of the male who still so captivated her thoughts.

No words are exchanged but he sends her a quick nod of acknowledgement as her own eyes quickly return to her nephew’s sleeping form. Her heart thundering in her empty chest. Before she can return her gaze to where the male stood, he is gone. Leaving her alone with that chasm in-between her ribs. The feeling of unworthiness crawling back into her thoughts.

He’s too good for me anyway.

She walks silently to the nursery, opting to place Nyx in his crib to attempt to get some breakfast prepared. She leaves the door slightly ajar, in case he awakens while she is cooking in the kitchen. Her fae hearing attuned to his little cries.

In the kitchen, she washes her hands and pulls out what is necessary for a quick meal. Bacon, eggs, some leftover scones from the pantry that she can reheat for her family to enjoy. She’s startled when Rhys and his companion walk briskly down the hall and through the foyer to the front door. Their voices quiet but unmistakable.

“All I need is 24 hours of rest and then I can head back down into the tunnels.” his deep tenor voice feels like a balm to her aching chest.

“Take the week, you look like you haven’t slept in months.” A pause and a sigh.

“I can always count on you for a confidence boost, Rhys.” She can feel the small smile gracing his lips as he speaks with his brother.

“I’m serious, Az. You’re no good to us if you’re dead on your feet. Take the week. Clean yourself up, eat a few hot meals, and sleep.” She wonders if this pause after Rhys speaks is meant to last as long as it does in her mind.

“Okay.” It’s breathless, and she can feel the exhaustion behind every syllable.

“Come to the kitchen. I’m sure Elain is whipping up something for breakfast. It’ll do you well to get something into your stomach.” She bites her lip at the invitation. He hasn’t had a meal in her presence in months, since before Nyx’s arrival, possibly not since Winter Solstice, but she’s unable to remember.

Elain straightens her spine, contemplating whether she should look in the pantry for some potatoes to add to her small spread. Her thoughts are interrupted by his forlorn response.

“I should really get back to the House of Wind, Nesta and Cassian are waiting for me.” An obvious lie and she feels like the remnants of her heart have turned liquid and puddled on the floor.

“Ask the House to make you something nice.” Rhys’ voice takes on a worried tone.

“I will.”

She holds back the tears threatening to spill as she hears his boots take him to the door and then outside. The heartbreak is still as tangible as it was months ago.

If Rhys notices the silver in her eyes when he strides into the kitchen, he doesn’t mention it. Just kisses her sweetly on the cheek and smiles,

“Good morning, Dear Sister.”

—————-

It’s a few nights later, while her family, sans Mor and Amren, sits at the dinner table eating the roast and potatoes she and the twins had been slow cooking over the course of the day, that Nesta looks at the empty chair across the table and says with worry gracing her normally icy gaze, “when are you going to start ordering Azriel to attend family dinners?”

Cassian places a hand on her knee as if to say NOT NOW.

She shrugs him off. Giving him that icy stare that’s become her calling card, “He’s a shell of himself. Even more closed off and broody than ever. He crawls around those tunnels and pokes his head out for a day or two and then heads right back in. The bags under his eyes are darker than yours” she points at Rhys. “And he doesn’t have a newborn to account for it.”

Elain sits up at that, heart sputtering as if she can feel him. As if she can feel the darkness pulling him under.

Maybe she can.

“I’m worried. Cassian is too; he’s just too stubborn to admit it. Az is working himself to death.” Elain puts a hand to her chest, as if that hand could hold her heart into place.

“Az is working very hard to get the answers we need about the Daglan and protect all of us, Nesta.” Feyre states gently, holding Nesta’s gaze as they narrow.

“But he shouldn’t HAVE to. We could rotate duties. We can go down there for a few days and let him rest.”

“This is what he wants, Nesta. He’s volunteered.” Rhys’ response is like an ash arrow to her gut.

“And why would he volunteer to do this assignment and be away from his family for so long if he was genuinely happy, Rhysand?” The room falls silent and the remnants of the meal she’s so thoughtfully made is ash on her tongue.

He’s not happy. That word, once vocalized, is hard for her to break from her thoughts. Azriel is unhappy.

It's her fault.

She grips the fork in her hand so tight the metal bends. It’s her fault because she read his intentions wrong on solstice. He is avoiding their family because she made things so awkward between them that he can’t bear to be in the same room as her. Nesta glances at her direction as if she can sense that feeling of worthlessness creeping into Elain’s body. Before Nesta can say anything, Cassian places his hand in hers.

“You’re right, Nes. We need to find out what’s going on with Az. I’ll ask Mor to visit him and get him to work through it. If anyone can get through to him, it’s Mor.”

And there was that feeling again. The feeling of a heart shattering, her lungs struggling to expand as her friends begin to plan for the intervention of the male who she so loved, even if he wanted nothing to do with her.

———————

Azriel was many things, within the last year or so, he’d resolved to adding foolish to his attributes. Foolish for thinking that he could be loved for the male he was, foolish for thinking he had any right to the happiness he saw in the faces of his brothers, and foolish to think that he could be hers.

It plagued him daily, the pull to a female that belonged to another. That he was not deemed worthy by the Cauldron of the female that held his heart, but that one of the sons of Autumn was.

She belongs to no one but herself. His shadows, his only companions, whisper.

It was a small mercy that she seemed as uninterested in her mate as her mate is with her. That she was once so willing to spend time with him despite being mated to someone else. That she was once happy to be his friend.

And now, they were nothing.

That thought buried deep inside of him, burrowed into his bones and tore through his limbs.

So he cut himself out of her world. He threw himself into his work. He trudged through the tunnels under the Night Court and pretended that he was keeping his family safe from the Daglan, when in reality, he was avoiding them.

It was another grueling pass through the tunnels. His eyes slowly adjusting from the change in light when he stepped out of the dark and into the quiet grasses surrounding the opening to the tunnels that have become his tomb. He had promised to wait a week to return to his work, but the ache in his chest had him packed and ready to continue his mission only 3 days after his last excursion. After a week of fighting through the tunnels, sliding Truthteller through the folds of the various beasts that inhabited the chasms below, his exhaustion was threatening to take his knees out from under him.

So he gathered what little strength he had left, and flew himself to the House of Wind.

And it was a mistake.

Nesta stood in the middle of the training pit, arms crossed. The rest of the priestesses were long gone by the early-afternoon. Precisely why he had chosen this time to fly back to the house, a feeble attempt to hide from everyone. He landed with a little less grace than intended, and as he took a glance at Nesta, he could have sworn that the silver flames that had been given back to The Cauldron to save her sister were still present in her eyes as she stared back at him disapprovingly.

“So you’re volunteering for these tunnel missions, huh?”

Azriel sighed. He learned long ago that arguing with Nesta was futile, that she would never let him go without a word.

“My schedule is open.” He shrugged absently.

“The hels it is, Az!” She bellowed, looking him up and down for a sign of…what exactly?

“Are you hurt?” She asked, this time with a gentleness not many would associate with the accomplished warrior, Lady Death.

“I’m fine.”

She continued to observe him, not completely believing he was all well and good. She noted his tired eyes, his rigid shoulders.

“What’s going on, Az? You’re like a ghost, never staying long enough to rest. Barely managing to function. This is so unlike you—-“ it pained him to interrupt, but the unworthiness creeped into his chest at her care for him.

“—this is me, Nes. It’s been me for 540 years. You’ve only glimpsed a small part of my life. I’ve always been like this.”

“That’s not true and you know it.” She says through her teeth, the frustration evident in her voice, in her posture. Azriel bows his head in a movement meant to placate the female before him. She sighs, and with a voice far calmer than she’s treated him with thus far speaks.

“She’s a ghost, too.”

He knows who she’s talking about immediately. And he dares not let her know that he’s affected by those words. He swallows the lump in his throat and moves to go around her. She stops him with her palm to his chest, right where his heart should be.

“I don’t know what’s happened between you two, but I know that the last time I’ve seen her smile, her real smile, was when you were the one to put it on her face.” The hole in his chest is infinitely bigger as Nesta moves her hand and places it gently on his arm.

“Be present, Az. We love you. She—loves you.”

Az is sure that Nesta means he is loved in a friendly way, but the idea of being loved by Elain Archeron makes his heart beat a little faster in his chest. He nods his head, words failing him.

“Everyone is coming here for dinner tonight.” Nesta states firmly. “Get cleaned up and meet us in the dining room at 5.” She shuffles past him to reach the door to the house and smiles mischievously at him behind her.

There’s no hiding from them now. Nesta will hunt him down until he appears. So he plans to arrive for dinner even as his brain tells him to run.

——————

Elain stares at her sister as she repeats the itinerary for the day, eyes wide as she questions Feyre over the plan to “meet Nesta and Cassian at the House for dinner.”

Elain is confused. Never has Nesta invited them to the House for dinner. Tea, on occasion. Training, frequently. Never dinner.

“What’s the occasion?” She asks, trying not to let her nerves show.

“She just misses us.” Feyre smiles, and although Elain is suspicious, she gives her little sister a genuine smile.

“Sounds delightful.”

And if her nerves intensify as her sister’s mate puts her down gently on the balcony of the House of Wind a few hours later, she doesn’t let it show, because she can absolutely scent the one person she is anxious to see the most.

Azriel is here.

And it takes all of her mother’s etiquette training to hold her head up high and enter the dining room to see his gorgeous, but somber face. A face she’s conflicted to commit to memory. He looks so tired, she muses. And despite the ache in her chest, the unworthiness that her mind flashes into her skull, seeing him is like breathing air after drowning, and she can’t look away.

Dinner commences and for the first time in months, the smile on her face is real. Everyone she loves is at the table, Mor and Feyre chatting animatedly with each other. Amren, Rhys, and Varian are lost in their own conversation about the Summer Court. Elain chances a look at the glorious Shadowsinger across from her. He’s impressive as usual, but she notes that his shadows are moving lithe around him, as if they are also exhausted from his travels. His eyes meet hers, and that warmth in her chest that only he can provide blossoms under his gaze. And she smiles, for real, and she thinks she sees the corner of his own mouth move up slightly.

It’s only when the meal is done and the House takes the dishes away that Rhys and Feyre take Nyx home to bed. Amren and Varian go back to Amren’s apartment, and Azriel excuses himself to finally get some rest. The rest of the family moves to the sitting room to continue to chat and Elain sits with them, appearing to listen to their conversation, but barely hearing what is being said. Her thoughts are helplessly on the male asleep somewhere in this house.

“Elain, would you like to stay here tonight?” Nesta asks with a beautiful smile on her face that captures Elain’s attention. She points a finger at her mate and says, “It’s easier for this old man to fly in the daytime. His eyesight is going poorly, and Mor is too drunk to take herself home, let alone you.” Nesta nods her head towards the beautiful blonde already falling asleep on the sofa across from her. Cassian scoffs.

“539 is NOT old.” He crows indignantly. The sisters erupt into laughter but Elain can’t help but think that her sister is only asking for her to stay because it’ll make things easier, and not because she wants her there. As the others begin to move towards their bedrooms, Nesta stops Elain with a gentle hand on her arm.

“I know I haven’t been the kind of sister you deserve, Elain. I want to make that up to you. I want to have breakfast with you tomorrow. I want to sit and talk to you about your life. I want to show you that I’m trying, that I’m here for you.” Elain’s chest expands with hope and a love she can only have for Nesta.

“I would like that very much.” She smiles. And Nesta offers to show her her bedroom for the night. The two walk arm in arm as they move through the house until they come upon the door of a room at the far end of the hallway. The room she’s given is warm and inviting, with a giant bed covered in lilac sheets. There’s a fireplace in the corner that is not in use due to the late spring warmth, but the double doors opening to the balcony overlooking Velaris is the crowning feature. She bids Nesta goodnight, with a promise to meet in the dining room for breakfast, and immediately heads for the balcony after Nesta shuts the bedroom door behind her.

What Elain doesn’t expect, is to end up sharing a balcony with the Shadowsinger himself.

And it appears he’s just as surprised as she is.

“H—hi” she breathes. Taking in his tall form in the shadows of the night. He’s seated on the edge of the balcony’s railing, one leg hanging over the edge while the knee of his other leg is bent for balance on the railing. His glorious wings are tight against his back, the bottoms on either side of the balcony. His hazel eyes, the ones that torment her in her dreams, are wide.

“I—I’m sorry. I didn’t know you— or anyone, would be here—on the balcony, I mean.” She stammers as she looks down at her feet in embarrassment. He’s still quiet in front of her, and she curses the fact that the Cauldron didn’t boil her alive when it had the chance.

“I—I’ll just go…” she says and begins to move. She’s vaguely aware of him sitting up straighter than before.

“No, please— don’t.” His deep voice is a whisper that her fae ears only hear because she’s desperate to hear his voice again. She wouldn’t miss his first words to her in months for anything in this world. She swallows, unsure of how to proceed. Any courage she might have deep within her, sputtering.

“I don’t want you to leave.” He says louder, with conviction, and that hole in her chest feels the fullest it’s been in months.

“I don’t want to leave, either.” She says confidently. Her courage soars with the vibrancy of his words.

“I miss you.” He adds gently, finally meeting her gaze, and she’s at a loss. This male who has captivated her body and spirit for years now. Whom she thought was angry with her. Who walked away from her on solstice and didn’t look back.

“Then why?” She whispers back, a silver tear escaping and trailing down her pale cheek. The question is open ended, but he knows what she means.

“Because I am unworthy of you.” He admits. The self loathing in his voice matches her own every time she thinks about him.

“Of course you are. If anything, I am unworthy of you.”

“Never.” He replies instantly, but she waves him off. Moving to his side, eyes peering at his form under the stars, tears falling down both cheeks now.

“You are kind, Azriel. You are gentle, and you are courageous. You’ve fought on the battlefield, and you protect the people of this court, of this family. I bake bread, watch Nyx, and plant seeds in the garden. You deserve so much more than I can offer you.”

The air between them crackles with the intensity of his gaze. He moves, and before she can loose a breath, his scarred hands are wiping the tears from her skin.

“How can you not see how incredible you are, Elain?” He speaks softly, rubbing his fingers back and forth over her cheeks. “You put the needs of others in front of your own. You bake bread, watch Nyx, and build gardens to bring comfort and beauty to those around you. In a world of war and bloodshed, you are reminder that there are things out there so beautiful it’s worth fighting for.” She gasps at the depth of his stare. “You are everything I could ever hope for, but I can’t have you.” The words he’s spoken break something within her. Her hands land on his own on her cheeks, and she uses them to push his away, to push him away. Confusion gracing her features.

“And why can’t you have me? Why have you shut me out all of these months?”

He thinks carefully at how to respond. It’s in his best interest to lie, the rage in her beautiful brown eyes cuts him further than any blade and he pauses for a moment.

Rhys will mist him for revealing the truth. He’s disobeying his order right now, just being alone with the female that possesses his heart and soul. But he finds that lying to her is impossible. That he would rather be misted than lie to the female before him.

“Because I have been ordered to stay away from you.” He says with deep remorse.

The earth ceases to rotate for Elain. Her mouth opens, but nothing comes out. She stares in horror and Azriel wonders if he’s made a grave mistake.

“Rhys?” She whispers. He nods.

“But—why?” The devastation in her voice is palpable, and he wants nothing more than to fly to the river house, despite his exhaustion, and hit his brother in his pretty face.

“You have a mate, Elain.” She scoffs. Ready to deny such a thing. He weighs his words carefully before he continues. “Our—involvement could have severe consequences for the Night Court.”

“What consequences?” She asks, in an eerily calm voice that he doesn’t recognize. He takes a deep breath and prepares himself for her ire.

“The Autumn Court has an archaic tradition that allows for a mate to call for a blood duel against any male that threatens his mating bond. Lucien or Beron have the right to challenge me to that blood duel if you and I—“

Elain looks up into his eyes, horrified at the realization that this is what is keeping them apart.

“—but I would fight for you. Rhys knows it. And I would win, because there would be no chance in this lifetime that I would give up a life with you if I had the choice. But if I were to kill Lucien in a blood duel—“ he pauses. “Beron can enact revenge by calling for war against the Night Court.”

She’s quiet for a long time. Her chest, that was finally full only recently, is hollowed out and bleeding down to her toes. Rhys has deemed them unworthy of each other. Have deemed them unworthy of his protection. Unworthy of the Night Court’s protection. She steps forward, so that her breath mixes with his. He’s stunned for a moment, peering down into her face, determination and understanding amongst the many emotions crossing her features.

“I would rather have you in secret, than not at all.” She says so quietly that only the two of them can hear and places her hand on his chest where his heart beats against it. He’s dumbfounded for a moment.

She’s choosing him?

“Are you sure?” He whispers just as quietly, so that only her and the Mother can hear him.

“Yes.”

The word is barely out of her mouth when his lips meet hers in a kiss that stops the world around them. It’s soft and gentle, just like they are, but Elain swears that this feeling in her chest, at finally tasting the male of her dreams, is the same one her sisters have so lovingly described about their mates.

How can this not be it? They both muse to themselves.

His lips move slowly against her own, savoring her taste, committing it to memory. She has chosen him. She is willing to risk war and their family’s loyalty for him. He will never understand why, but he’s too far gone to talk her out of it.

They stay on the balcony until the early morning hours, touching, tasting, and chasing away the demon of unworthiness inside of each other. Because even if their family or the Night Court didn’t need them, they found out that night that they needed each other.

Fin (or is it?)

#elriel #elain kingslayer #elain archeron #elain x azriel #pro elriel #pro elain #like calls to like #acotar #azriel

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neverpathia · 1 month ago

Text

okay I felt like writing so off I go

average broken and smitten interaction I guess. my AU. nothing much here, not really, except them being toxic and mutually enabling each others' horrible codependent coping mechanisms. platonic smitbroken. not a ship, keep that in mind.

once AGAIN it's a little OOC because I cannot write broken for the life of me. but hey broken mentioned please give it a shot

pristine cut spoilers

-- -- -- -- -- -- --

"Do you ever feel...hollow?" A voice, mellow yet deep.

The Broken sat listlessly on the grass, legs resting sideways against each other. Gently, slowly, he leaned down to trace something on the dirt. He wasn't quite sure what it was going to be, though.

The Smitten knelt and clapped him on the back firmly in jest. Broken blinked, eyes wide in mild surprise like a baffled, scraggly kitten.

"Ow," he mumbled.

Smitten ignored the 'ow'. "But surely not! How could I ever allow my soul to remain barren; when her beauty walks the face of this very earth?"

Broken pondered this. "I guess so."

Smitten leaned forward, closer to Broken. "Why do you ask, friend of mine?"

Friend. The others saw him as a friend now, or at least one of them did. Broken didn't know how to feel about that. He wanted to be happy. He wanted to crawl into a hole and die for daring to let someone else actually look at him as if he were a worthy person.

"I don't know." Broken's finger left a trail amidst the dirt; a shallow, curving depression with no particular direction. He smiled. It seemed a little fitting. "I kind of always do. Feel empty, I mean."

As if he hadn't said something like that to the other Voices a billion times.

The Smitten laughed. How was he always so amiable? Where did he find that energy? "Fear not! For she is never far off from us, and her radiance permeates all."

"You say 'she' like there aren't a lot of Princesses walking around now," said Broken.

"Isn't that even better?" said Smitten. "More of my dearest Princess, more love."

Love. The concept that had once felt so familiar, now completely foreign. But something about it was still familiar somehow. Broken didn't know if he understood it, if he could understand.

"You...haven't seen mine, have you?" Broken glanced up, away from his meaningless scribbles.

"Oh, I may not have seen all of her, but I most certainly love every facet of the Princess with all my heart." Smitten's bold voice resonated far too loud.

Broken said nothing and only looked at his stained fingertip.

"I have loved her at her best, and I shall continue to love her at my worst." The Smitten was clearly having fun. "Undaunted I shall trudge, for she is of endless permutation: but each face of hers is pure perfection! Do you not feel the same, my comrade, my kin? You are among the first to show her respect beyond mere camaraderie; to revere her as I do."

Broken didn't know how comfortable he felt about Smitten's words. They sounded a little too close to...something he himself would say, but more flowery and somehow almost worse.

"I loved...love her too." Broken picked at one of his braids with his clean hand. The ribbons embedded inside, the ornaments holding it in place. "One of her."

Smitten raised an eyebrow at him. "And how shall that do? You ought to love all of her!"

"She is above me. She showed me mercy, and I...love her for it." Did he have a choice? Would he have made a choice? "She...You've seen her, haven't you? The one they call The Tower."

"Ah. She who reigns above, is she not? She who dwarfs us all beneath her looming glory."

Broken didn't know how to respond. He hesitated for far too long before he forced the words out. "...I miss her."

"But of course! It's her, after all."

Broken didn't have the heart to tell Smitten that he didn't think he was really listening.

But he didn't like the weight of it all from before, and he wanted to get it off. He needed to get it off. So he went ahead anyway, even if he didn't like it; even if he was going to hate himself forever for speaking those words and thinking those thoughts.

"I don't know. She hurt me. And in one life, I hurt her too. But in another I forgave her. As if I was in a position to, as if I should have done that, as if I was above- as if I was equal- but...she let me. She showed me grace. She..."

The Broken brought his knees close to his chest and wrapped his arms around them, huddling into himself, the dirt on his finger smearing across his thigh.

The Smitten tilted his head, loose ringlets shifting across his shoulders. "And why else should she show you grace, if not for her sheer perfection?"

Broken tried to recall what Paranoid and Hero had said. She hurt you. She didn't know you. She wasn't who you thought she was and she never had been. She was...She was...

"I shouldn't love her." Abruptly, he covered his mouth with his hand and averted his eyes. But he continued speaking into his palm, each syllable slow and deliberated. "But I should. But she hurt me, but I hurt her, and I hurt the others too, I should have been hurt, I should have been used, she should have... I don't like this. I miss her. Maybe I shouldn't miss her. But I really miss her. And I don't want to miss her anymore but maybe I should."

"So you question yourself?" The Smitten was growing more wary now. "So you doubt the greatness of your love?"

Broken shook his head. Long lashes brushed across gaunt, cracked cheeks. "I really don't know. Is it right? Am I right to love her? But I don't want to hate her anymore. But I don't want to love her, not when it hurts so much-"

He was silenced by a strong blow across his face. The Smitten had slapped him, fast and hard. Broken cupped his cheek, astonished, reeling against the ringing pain.

"Have you lost your mind?" The Smitten was enraged. "Have you no heart at all? I believed you had always understood. Always, always, you have known! A being of devotion just as I am!"

"Oh..." Unsteadily, Broken looked up at Smitten. "I see."

"You miss her, or so you claim. You yearn for her, do you not? These are the feelings of the heart! Never have they led one astray, ever! You find yourself cherishing her presence. You find that her wrongs cease to be, because they have never mattered! For Princess and Voice were meant to be one. You used to feel like you were hers, and you still are. You love her. We love her. You love her as I do, you love her."

The Smitten stepped backwards after his monologue, heaving slightly, as if it had taken something out of him.

"Believe me." Broken dropped his gaze again. "I wish I did."

Smitten spared him a disdainful glance. "Then you do. Wherein do you unearth such frivolous problems?"

"Smitten, why do you love so much?"

"I was under the impression that you were much the same manner as I. To love is the one true right."

"Is it really the only right thing, or are you just telling yourself that it is?"

"And how could it not be echoed within the halls of my being, were it not such an absolute?"

There was another moment of silence.

"I don't know." Broken rose from the ground and began to stand. "I think you're blind."

"Blind? Blind? Fie! I daresay, the only blind one here is you!"

"I want to believe in love. I do."

"Then so you shall. Nothing stands in our way."

"There's something you're refusing to see, Smitten." Broken met his eyes. "We're separate beings now. Bodies and all. You think of me as a traitor. To love, and to you. You think I'm supposed to be like you, and you're still trying to see yourself in me."

Broken took a long breath before he said, "But I'm not one with you, and we're not the same. Not anymore, not ever. Please...let yourself be."

Smitten didn't reply for once, rendered speechless somehow, though Broken couldn't tell if it was due to anger or shock.

Broken sighed. "Maybe what I thought was love wasn't even real. If I let go of it, could you let go too?"

Smitten clamped his hands around Broken's shoulders, his grip harsh and unyielding.

"Nonsense." A low, raging undercurrent belay Smitten's tone, still orotund and loud as ever. "It was real, and it is real, and nothing can ring ever truer. Harken to your heart, its beatings, it's sensations! Harken to your soul and the very person that you are! Is it not clear, then?"

But then Smitten relaxed his grip on Broken. "I just want the best for you, my friend. I wish for you to be at peace. Why? Why must you choose otherwise?"

And at this brief, unprecedented show of kindness, the Broken was unresponsive at first.

Then it hit. He couldn't help it. He didn't want it. He began to cry.

Small, nearly imperceptible trembles and snivels. Tears gathering at the corners of large blank eyes. Why was he suddenly being nice to him? Why now, after what he had dared to say? After he had made himself a traitor in Smitten's eyes?

"It's not a choice, Smitten," said Broken. "It's what I've always been. Maybe...this is it. I still feel so numb. So tired, from forever. Maybe you're right. Because when I used to love her, it didn't feel so empty anymore. I had something to believe in. I had hope."

So what if the hope was false? It was better than this. It was better than this dark and barren and sad and pathetic thing that was his soul, his body, his entire being. It was at least the illusion of a safe refuge. A sort of escape from what he was and what he had become.

The delusion felt good. Perhaps it was all that mattered.

The Broken spoke between sobs. "How could those moments have been my worst when...they made me feel the best?" He felt the descent of tears down his face; the taste of wet salt on his tongue. It was disgusting. Weak. Pitiful. Like him.

Smitten reached over and patted Broken on the back, and he caved, melting into his friend in a sort of embrace. Too readily, too vulnerably.

"Are we just playing pretend?" Broken whispered, pressed against the frills of Smitten's vest.

"No." The Smitten spoke softer this time, keeping his voice lower. "It cannot be pretend."

Broken let him talk. He'd had enough of the argument.

"When all the fibers of your being are peeled back," Smitten murmured, "love is the only thing left. No, it cannot be pretend, for we cannot help but find them beautiful and what we feel is so profound, so pure. It cannot be pretend because it's who we are and what we were meant to do. Make her happy. You seek it. You desire it."

"I do want to," said Broken.

Smitten smiled. "And she's out there."

"I...do want to, right?"

"You do want to. Your hesitation is a lie, to none else but yourself."

The Broken felt wary and he felt truly seen. He felt uncertain and he felt resolved. He felt terrified and he felt at ease. He wanted to turn away, to return, to relapse. He wanted to love, to obsess, to languish in the comforting cage of those thoughts forever. He wanted to flee, and forget about everything, and never even think about Her again.

Despite everything, after all, the Smitten was still his friend.

Smitten pulled away and tousled Broken's hair. "You poor, poor, misguided soul. Once you saw the light and now you shun it."

Broken wiped his tears with his sleeve. "And it was brighter, wasn't it? And it felt safer...I think..."

"Sit awhile with me, my friend. Mayhaps comfort may be found in the silence yet; a calm to precede a change."

And so they sat on the grass. And so it was still.

And so it was all horribly wrong.

#stp #slay the princess #stp voices #slay the princess voices #stp broken #voice of the broken #stp smitten #voice of the smitten #honestly i have like absolutely no idea how i'm supposed to feel about this piece and it's kinda long but uh here you go i guess #smitten i love you but you're kinda a dick in here #but you're still smitten #and uh thanks for giving broken a hug i guess #broken you're sweet but a little bit out of character?? was he?? was he not????#nevvey writes #OH THIS THING WAS 2K WORDS? FUCK NO WONDER IT TOOK SO LONG

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captn-trex · 2 months ago

Text

angel of small death

Howzer x F!Reader / Twi'lek!Reader

word count: 10k / 24k

part one | part two | part three

description: after the rise of the Empire, Howzer finds his position on Ryloth to be precarious at best, but his attention is drawn from his troubles when he finds himself captivated by a new politician’s arrival

warnings/tags: NSFW 18+ !!! strangers to lovers, mutual pining, a little bit of political stuff, fluff, smut, dirty talk, fingering, pinv sex, soft dom!howzer, praise kink, title kink? edging? oh my I'm so bad at tagging smut

a/n: for the full effect, listen to jeff buckley’s ‘everybody here wants you’ at the beginning. did I give reader lilac skin just because of this song? yes. yes I did. don't ask me what's goin on with the smut ok, idk either. wkfjh why am I scared to share this I just want to hide in a hole forever now. also sorry about the poem. (whole thing in one is on ao3)

masterlist | join my taglist | read on ao3

Ostentatious. That was the word Howzer would use to describe Senator Orn Free Taa's estate.

High ceilings, gaudy silver curtains and a vivid blue carpet that ran throughout the marble halls. It resembled the more imposing areas of the senate bureau, but devoid of any of the charm. Thankfully, the room that Howzer would have to be standing at attention in for the duration of the evening was slightly less over the top, though no less opulent with its golden chandeliers and dark wood floor.

The people, however, left much to be desired. Extravagantly dressed Senators and other people of political importance shared sparkling drinks in fancy glasses, talking, laughing and dancing with each other. Every smile he saw seemed false, an act that should be genuine reduced to a political play. He couldn't help but think that you didn't fit in here, but then again, you weren't here. Howzer hadn't seen you since yesterday, and with the celebration already in full swing, he didn't presume that he would.

The lavish party was supposed to be a celebration, an important day in Ryloth’s history, but with the way the people in front of him went on, and how the discussions of late had been, Howzer couldn't help but let indignance rise in his gut. Not a single one of these politicians cared about Ryloth. They didn't care about its past or its present, and they certainly didn't care about its future.

It was sickening. The wealth that surrounded him was unmistakable in a particularly vile way. It was all a distraction from what was really going on, the corruption that was embedded within the people who held the power.

Any negative thoughts spilled from Howzer's mind as soon as his eyes caught the figure standing at the top of the grand staircase. He was pretty sure that his heart actually stopped beating at the sight of you.

You had forgone you heavy robes in favour of a silky dress that hung from your figure and perfectly framed your body, a thin scarf that laid over your neck and draped down your back, and a headpiece adorned by pearly beads that dangled around your face and down your lekku. The thing that caught Howzer's attention the most, however, was the colour of your dress. It was teal, the exactly shade that decorated his armour. He couldn't help but think that you looked incredible in his colour, perfectly complimenting the hues of your skin.

He watched as you gracefully descended the stairs, one hand sliding along the rail, the other holding your dress so you wouldn't trip. You were a vision, like an angel descending from the sky, and suddenly Howzer didn't care at all about whether or not he was allowed to have you.

At the bottom of the stairs, you were greeted by a small crowd that had gathered during your entrance. Howzer had been too enraptured by you yourself to notice, his mouth still hung open a fraction as he watched you navigate through the people demanding your attention. He wasn't surprised in the least, you were the most gorgeous being here by far.

As you made your way across the room, seemingly zeroed in on something, or someone, Howzer saw that your dress was backless, plunging down to your lower back, the only thing covering your skin being the thin, almost non-existent scarf that hung from your neck. He had to bite into his lip to save from letting his jaw hit the floor.

You made your way over to a Pantoran woman dressed in maroon, whose eyes widened comically upon seeing you, throwing her arms around your neck and almost knocking you back. Your laughter carried across the room, entering through Howzer ears and bouncing around in his head, the most delightful thing he'd ever heard. The woman handed you a drink, clinking your glasses together as you beamed at each other.

Your back was to him as the two of you caught up, and he couldn't help but trail his eyes down your body. He wondered what it would be like to be able to touch you, how your skin would feel as he ran a hand down your spine. It felt like you were taunting him, begging him to lose his composure. Whether you meant to or not, it was working.

Howzer was so lost in admiring you that he missed the way your friend nodded to him, catching him in the act. You turned, your eyes searching for a moment before your gaze settled on him. It froze him in his place, his eyes locked with yours. You swirled your drink gently in your hand, offering a small smile to him before turning back to your conversation, but not before Howzer managed to catch the blush that tinted your cheeks.

You continued to talk with your Pantoran friend, until she got called away by someone else, leaving you by yourself for the time being. Howzer was itching to go over and talk with you, just be close with you in any way he could, despite his previous words about how forbidden it was. Before he could make up his mind, another man had slid up next to you, a wry smile on his lips and a playful glint in his eye that made Howzer's stomach turn. He watched on as the two of you settled into a conversation, mostly him doing the talking. You gave him the time of day all the same, much to Howzer's chagrin.

“What's your name trooper?”

Howzer couldn't help but jump slightly at the unexpected voice to his left, and he swivelled his head around to the source. The Pantoran woman that you had been chatting to before was stood next to him, a curious expression on her face.

“Howzer, ma'am” he replied firmly.

“Please, drop the formalities” she waved him off with a smile, and he was reminded of the first time that he talked to you, “I'm Riyo”

The woman stuck out her hand, and Howzer shook it firmly with a small smile of his own.

“Now,” she spoke, something mischievous sliding across her face, “are you going to go and talk to my friend, or are you just going to stare at her all night?”

Howzer’s eyebrows shot up, instantly feeling his face heat up under the scrutiny of the small woman.

“I— uh, Senator, I don't know what you— I wasn't— I wouldn't—” he stumbled through a number of phrases before Riyo cut him off.

“Howzer” she caught his attention, a small smirk on her lips as she noticed his cheeks darkening by the second, “you can drop the act with me. I saw the way you were looking at her, and I know she wants you to go over”

Howzer frowned, “she told you that?”

“No…” she admitted, “but I've also never seen anyone else make her blush”

Howzer felt his heart skip a beat. The idea of him being an exception in being able to break your composure made his blood run hot all of a sudden. He cast his eyes back over to you, locked in conversation with the same man and listening intently as he leant back on the wall, head tilted towards you. When he looked back to Riyo, she gave him a knowing look.

“Just don't wait forever” she instructed with a hand on his shoulder, and Howzer nodded to her before she turned away.

A determination set into him as his eyes found your form again. A somewhat dreamy sigh passed his lips, taking in the way you stood with your weight rested on one leg, your hip jutting out just a little as you brought your glass to your lips. Howzer adjusted his grip on his helmet, watching the way your throat bobbed as you took a sip.

Your eyes momentarily left the man in your company and slid over towards Howzer from behind the rim of the glass, and he had to suppress a smirk when you discreetly rolled your eyes, no doubt in mocking of the man who was still waffling on. It pleased him to know that he could hold your attention from across the room, when the same couldn't be said for someone stood right beside you.

After a few minutes of entertaining the man’s conversation, you interrupted him with a point of your finger, excusing yourself. Howzer’s breath stuttered at the prospect of you making your way over to him, but instead he watched as you walked towards the opposite side of the hall and slipped outside, cracking the door just open enough for your frame to fit through.

Howzer cast a glance around the room to see if anyone was looking his way, then surreptitiously followed in your footsteps around the edge of the large room. When he opened the door, he was greeted by the sight of you leaning your elbows against the stone railing at the edge of the deck, looking out over the expanse of the Senator's gardens. He had to admit that the view was stunning, but the sight of you leant forwards, your dress pooling at your sides and exposing more of your skin to the moonlight, was a far more alluring sight.

Your head turned to the side as you heard the door shut, your lips quirking into a half-smile.

“Captain” you nodded to him in acknowledgement.

“Ma'am” he replied, a small smirk winding its way onto his face.

A breathy laugh left your lips, you head shaking slightly, “I'm not— you shouldn't call me that”

Howzer shrugged, “you look the part”

You chuckled, your expression pleasant as you turned your body to face the other way, resting your back against the cool stone. The headpiece that you wore caught the light of the moon perfectly, contrasting with the warm glow from indoors, and once again Howzer couldn’t help but compare you to the beautiful paintings he had seen. His features were then weighed down by a seriousness, and he spoke more softly, more sincerely.

“You look beautiful”

Your lips lifted a little as an amused hum reverberated in your throat, and you looked to your feet when your cheeks flushed with colour, turning your face from his in an attempt to hide it.

“Thank you” you replied, “as do you”

Howzer's lips lifted into a genuine smile at the unexpected compliment, albeit somewhat of a deflection from his own.

“Are you enjoying the party?” he asked, moving on quickly.

Your eyes lifted back to his, and you paused for a moment, dropping your head to the side before answering, “not really”

“How come?”

You shrugged one shoulder, your smile rueful, “not my scene”

Howzer nodded, glancing inside at the outlandishly dressed party guests and the splendour that surrounded them, but when his gaze found you again, he could have melted. You positively shone in comparison to all of them, something so authentically positive and genuine surrounding you.

“I was thinking that I might leave, actually”

“Without a dance?” Howzer raised a slightly teasing eyebrow.

You laughed gratuitously at the idea, “I don't want to dance with any of these philistines”

Howzer chuckled, taking a moment to peer inside once more. No one was looking out, no one was paying attention to anyone but themselves, not concerned with things going on outside the walls of the ornate room.

“Would you dance with me?”

You cocked your head a little, a dubiousness written into your furrowed brow, “you know how to dance?”

“More or less” he shrugged, placing his helmet down on the railing, following up by taking off his gloves and tucking them into his belt. He held his hand out with an inviting smile, “can I have this dance, m’lady?”

You chuckled lightly and tentatively took his outstretched hand, letting him pull you towards him, “it's ‘could I have this dance’, for next time”

“Next time?” Howzer asked with a raised eyebrow, his other hand coming to rest at your hip.

You tried to suppress a smirk as the pair of you began dancing to the medium tempo, “in case you find yourself dancing with another member of the Senate, of course”

“Of course” Howzer grinned, “though I can't imagine I will”

He brought your hand up and gently spun you around in time with the music, pulling you back towards him so you were almost chest to chest. Your eyes bore into his as his hand slid to the small of your back, gently brushing your skin. As the dance went on, his hand pressed further against the warmth of your skin, bringing your body closer to his. He wished that he owned any other outfit but his armour, so that he could really feel what it was like to have you pressed up against him, but he'd settle for a gloveless hand against your back for now.

There was something in your gaze, something troubled despite your smile. Howzer didn't know if he was diagnosing the problem correctly, but he spoke up anyway.

“What you did yesterday was really admirable” he mumbled, earning a sigh from you that made your whole body slump towards him, resting your forehead against his chestplate.

“I'm afraid of what's happening to this planet, to the galaxy”

Howzer nodded, his hand sliding up to gently rub what he hoped were comforting circles between your shoulder blades. You continued to let him lead you through the dance, moving your feet in tandem with his despite your collapsed posture.

“I know” he spoke quietly, “but… you can't give up”

Your head lifted from his chest, your eyes slightly wide and startlingly close to his. He felt as if he could see his own soul reflected back at him in that moment, and it startled him a little, as much as it was intoxicating.

“I feel like giving up” you told him, but he just shook his head.

“You can't. You might be the best chance that Ryloth has under the Empire” he replied, his arm wrapping further around you as he slowly let the dance draw you both from the light spilling through the glass door.

“but I can't do anything, as long as the Senator is here” you said desperately, your brows pinched and mouth twisted in a frown.

It was strange to see you so defeated. Howzer had only known you to be quietly confident and seemingly hopeful in a particularly composed way, but now you had been beaten down by the truth of the matter, and for whatever reason you were looking to him for help.

He chewed on the inside of his cheek for a moment, “will he not go back to Coruscant eventually?”

Your eyes dropped for a moment, then found his again with slightly more conviction, “I suppose so, but—”

“No buts” Howzer interrupted with a growing smile, “just do what you can, right? isn't that what you told me?”

“Yeah” your lips curled up in an appreciative smile, “I can't believe you remember me saying that”

Howzer gave you a small frown, “why wouldn't I?”

“I don't know, I guess I'm used to people just ignoring what I say”

It was a disquieting thing to hear, and Howzer quickly realised it was probably one of the most vulnerable thing you had ever told him.

“Well they're fools” he said assuredly.

You huffed a small laugh as he spun you around once more, “If you say so”

“I mean it” he spoke seriously, pulling you back against him and holding you close by your waist, “I've never— no one ever gave me the time of day to… just talk, before you. No one saw fit to educate me about anything, or talk to me like a human being”

Your brow creased as he spoke, “I'm sorry”

Howzer laughed, a teasing grin plastered on his face, “That was supposed to be a compliment, not me looking for sympathy”

“Oh” you chuckled in a self-deprecating manner, the dance dying down to a light sway, “right, well… you're welcome I suppose. Though I hope you do know that what you just described is the bare minimum”

A scoff left his lips, “so that's the only reason you talk to me? Human decency?”

“Well, no. I—” you stuttered out, diverting your gaze, “like I said before, you're a good man”

Howzer just hummed in response, unable to help the way his smile almost split his face in half. Inside the walls of the mansion, the instrumentalists finished playing their song, a small round of applause following, and you stepped away with a particularly timid expression, as if the intimacy of the moment had finally caught up with you.

“Well, I think I'll be going now” you said softly as the band started up again.

Truthfully, Howzer didn’t want you to leave. Even if it wasn’t in such a troubling way as the previous times, he wasn’t going to watch you walk away from him again.

“Allow me escort you back to your quarters, ma’am” He suggested with a mock sincerity.

You gave him a hesitant and withering look, and his smile grew even more, “you should probably stay here, no?”

Howzer confidently shook his head, “I am tasked with protecting the people in this party. Should one wish to leave, it would only be proper to ensure they get home safely”

He watched the way your bottom lip caught between your teeth to bite back your smirk, your eyes narrowing a little as if to try and read his thoughts. It made his resolve crumble a little, your presence almost deriding him.

“I suppose that makes sense” you mumbled finally, and Howzer smiled in satisfaction.

“Lead the way ma'am” he gestured towards the set of steps that led back towards the front of the estate, and you rolled your eyes playfully as you started walking.

“I thought you agreed not to call me that” you muttered, false annoyance in your tone.

Howzer shrugged a little, “maybe I just want to”

He held out his hand to you once again at the top of the stairs, all four of them, and you scoffed while slipping your hand into his to let him assist in your descent. He knew he was pushing his luck, trying to be so affectionate with you after he had shunned you for doing the exact same thing only a few days prior, but he couldn't help himself.

“Thank you” you said quietly, taking back your hand to clasp both of them behind your back.

The pair of you made your way back up through the large courtyard of the Senator's mansion, stately trees lining your way and casting you into darkness. You settled into a comfortable silence, letting the sounds of the people inside the party dwindle into nothing as you made your way through the city.

The dark engulfed you both, the only light being that of the moon and the stars that were littered through the sky. A gentle breeze sent leaves scattering over the floor, tickling at Howzer’s skin and lightly ruffling his hair. He could smell your perfume as the breeze drifted it his way. It was sweet, understated and gentle but with a noticeable presence. It matched you perfectly in that way. He looked over from his place beside you, and couldn’t help but stare in awe.

In many ways, you were the antithesis to him, a reflection of everything he wished he could be. Much of it was given away in your footfalls; where his were the inelegant scuff of boots against the cold stone of the cobbled street, yours was the tapping of your delicate heels, sounding more akin to a steady drip of water into a lake. Where Howzer was all hard edges and military barbarism, at least in theory, you were made up of soft contours and political courtesy.

He was beneath, you were above. He was the soil, you were the sky. He was inferior, and you were fundamental. All that was true to the places you held in the galaxy, but when he stood next to you, he felt whole, as if your idiosyncrasies fit together to create a one picture, one he didn’t know he recognised until he had laid eyes on you for the first time. Although, as much as you were different, you held a similar space within your own lives, echoing each other’s values. You were both bound by duty, a duty which kept you both from seeking true happiness, and yet, watching you stroll through the moonlight felt like exactly that: happiness.

You halted outside the door to your dwelling, turning back towards him as you opened it up. You observed him for a moment, eyebrows twitching as if thinking something over.

“I'm going put the kettle on” you told him, leaving a lengthy gap to let the words hang in the air for a moment, “would you like to join me for some tea?”

Howzer was agreeing before you had barely got the words out, and you gestured for him to enter with a smirk that you failed to hide. The space was a lot more modest than he was expecting, but he realised then that he probably viewed you as being more important than those who organised your living arrangements. There was a kitchen to one side, a homey looking sofa on the opposite wall, a small dining area between them, and two doors off to the side which he could only presume were the bedroom and refresher. It was humble, especially as compared to the mansion you had just left.

Howzer watched as you pinched the fabric of your scarf between your fingers, pulling it off. The sheer fabric slid over your smooth skin like water over glass, and Howzer was positively mesmerised. It was such a simple action, but he was coming to understand that anything you did was a little more than appealing to him.

“Make yourself at home” you smiled at him as you glided over towards the kitchen to put the kettle on, leaning on the counter to take off your shoes.

For a moment he just watched you move around, almost desperate to reach out and feel your skin against his once more. He forced himself to look away, to try and do as you said and make himself comfortable in the space. He placed his helmet on the table, and noticed that the flimsibook he so often saw you with was open, your stylus laid in the centre of it.

He didn't mean to look, he knew that he shouldn't, that it was private, but when his eyes skimmed the page and he saw his own name, his heart stopped in his chest. He picked it up, unable to help himself, and ran his fingers across the page as he read from it. It was poetry. All this time, the writing that you had been so intently working on were poems, and it seemed that he was a recurring character.

Howzer was floored. He couldn't believe that such sweet words were written for him, someone made for such violence, and by someone like you no less. He turned page after page, and his name appeared a number of times, but upon reading further, even when he wasn't mentioned by name, it was obvious that it was him you were describing.

Instances from your time together, the day at the lake, descriptions of sitting opposite him under the whiptree, and as far as just passing by him. He noticed that they were dated, and as he flipped backwards through the pages, he found one dated under the day you arrived at the senate bureau.

eyes meet, a flicker of recognition,

birthed from nowhere, you’re unknown.

a quiet understanding, but no words,

a warmth that reaches to me.

It feels like a promise,

a vow to fulfil in time,

to make this notion true, not just a stolen glance from the nameless.

From the very beginning, you had felt exactly the same as him, recognising that pull that he had as soon as he laid his eyes on you. Howzer felt his breath go short, his heartbeat thundering in his ears as his blood ran hot through his veins. He looked over to you, leaned against the kitchen counter and tapping a rhythm against it as you waited for the kettle to boil. He called your name, and you looked over to him inquisitively, but your face instantly dropped as your eyes darted between the book and his face.

“I didn’t know you wrote poetry” he stated, the first think he could think to say.

“You weren’t supposed to” you said quickly, your embarrassment obvious as you strode over to him in a few steps and snatched the book from him, shoving it into a drawer when you made it back to your original position.

Howzer could see the deep blush that set in across your cheeks, and he gave you an apologetic look. He hadn’t meant to embarrass you, he only wanted to convey how much it meant to him.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to look, just—” he found himself at a loss for words, “it’s beautiful”

“It’s…” you glanced over to him with hesitation, shame still colouring your cheeks, “it’s private”

For a moment neither one of you moved, watching each other carefully to see if the other would go on. You shortly began to look flustered, your fingers fiddling with the fabric of your dress and shifting on the spot.

Letting out a long breath, you hung your head, “I’m so sorry Captain”

Howzer’s eyebrows shot up, taking a step forward on instinct, “you’re sorry?”

“Maker, this is so mortifying” you covered your face with your hands, “I don’t even have the words to explain myself”

He couldn’t help but chuckle at that assertion, “I don’t know about that, seems like you might have quite a few”

You groaned in embarrassment as your body curled in on itself more, drawing another small laugh from Howzer as he made his way over to you.

He tentatively wrapped his hands around you wrists, pulling your hands away from your face. You looked up at him with a bashful expression, struggling to maintain eye contact as he slipped your hands into his.

“I—” he began, not entirely sure of the direction he was going, “I wish I had any of the sort of talent with words that you have, so that I might be able to express my feelings more clearly, but..” he paused, seeing the timidity begin to recede in your eyes, “perhaps I could show you instead?”

His eyes remained trained on yours as he awaited your answer, one hand skimming over your waist and running the silky fabric of your dress through his fingers, the other ghosting over your arm as it made its way up to hold your jaw.

You stared back at him with wide eyes, “I thought— you said it— that we shouldn't”

Howzer had never known you to trip over your words in such a way, and a smirk wormed its way onto his face as he shrugged a little, “I changed my mind”

He could feel some of the tension drain from your body, your shoulders relaxing, and you stepped into his space so you were chest to chest, your nose almost touching his. Your eyes dropped to his lips, tilting your head upwards so they were only a hairbreadth from his own. He could feel your breath warm on his lips, and he had to fight to keep from shivering at the sensation. Eyes finding his again, he could see more confidence in your gaze, and it sent a certain thrill through him that was hard to ignore.

“Then prove it” you whispered, lips almost brushing his.

Howzer closed the space between you, lips meeting with ardency as his arm wrapped around your waist to hold you close to him. He moved his lips against yours with intention, taking his time in the hopes that it would convey every unsaid notion of admiration. Your hands curled around the top of his chestplate, pulling him flush against you, and he gripped you tighter, the fabric of your dress bunching up at his touch.

“You look so good in my colour” he mumbled against your lips, sounding as drunk as he felt at the intoxicating taste of your lips.

“I hope so” you returned, “I wore it for you”

Howzer groaned as he instantly deepened the kiss, pressing you back into the kitchen counter, and he felt you smirk against him. His hands explored your body, finally allowing himself the pleasure of indulging in the feel of your skin.

He suddenly became overwhelmed by desire, desperate to be as close as possible after your admission. You had worn this excruciatingly tantalising dress just for him, and he wanted to be the one to take it off of you. One hand cupped the back of your head as his mouth devoured yours, exploring every inch of you he could reach, and the other trailed down your body to grip at your hip. You raised to your toes to push back against him, matching his fervour, your arms snaking around his neck to bring him closer.

In a swift motion, Howzer hooked his hands under your thighs, placing you on top of the counter behind you and standing between your thighs. You threaded your legs around his waist, pulling yourself into him and earning a breathy groan at the feel of you pressing into his now uncomfortably tight codpiece.

Howzer had never felt a desire as pure as this one. He'd had encounters of a similar nature with other people, of course, but never had he felt this aching within his chest, the need to be close, not only physically, but to be tethered together by your very souls.

Becoming impatient and overwhelmed by his own state of mind, Howzer’s hand ran down your leg and found the hem of your dress, which had ridden up a little by that point, and lifted it so he could slip beneath. His fingers danced along your skin, skimming your inner thigh as he made his way towards the apex in a swift motion.

A shaky breath passed your lips and fanned over his as his knuckles came into contact with your clothed sex. He teased you for a moment, ghosting over the fabric with featherlight touches, but a heavy sigh gave an indication that you were just as impatient as he was.

“No need to be so gentle, Captain. I told you, I'm not made of glass” your voice was thick with desire, breathy but confident.

“I thought you weren't going to call me that anymore” he pressed his forehead into yours to peer into your eyes as his first finger hooked into your underwear slowly.

“Maybe I want to” you whispered, and though initially a little stunned, his lips formed a particularly rakish grin at the implication. He took what you had said at face value and sped along the process by pushing your underwear to the side, his fingers sliding between your folds.

“Fuck” he breathed out slowly, his forehead dropping to your shoulder, “how are you so wet already?”

His voice was hoarse, genuine perplexity and pleasant surprise colouring his tone.

“Didn't you read my poetry?” you asked, a contented sigh passing your lips, “you look very good in this armour, Captain”

Howzer chuckled, and he heard your breath hitch as his fingers grazed your clit.

“So good you had to match, apparently” he breathed out, his lips against your ear and drawing a shudder from you.

He continued his teasing, every motion in response to the way you reacted to his touch. Dragging his teeth along your earlobe, he heard a whimper sound in your throat, and as you were about to reply to his previous comment, he sunk two of his fingers inside of you. Howzer could feel his knees almost give out at how easy it was to slip his fingers past your entrance, and your breath escaped you in a sharp and unsteady exhale.

“Fuck, so… good” you finally replied, struggling to get your words out as his fingers set a steady pace within you, watching every twitch that played on your features as you responded to his efforts.

Your face was twisted in pleasure, brows pinched and teeth digging into your bottom lip. It was as if you were an instrument, him the air, or the strings, that allowed you to sing. Your soft moans were the melody, the most beautiful one he had heard, and the fact that it was him pulling it from you only made it sound sweeter.

“You're right, mesh'la” he spoke against your lips, detaching the meaning you had intended from your previous words, “you're so good, taking my fingers so well”

A small whine left you, and Howzer attached his lips back to yours, swallowing the sound. His thumb brushed over your clit as he wound you up, and you let out a delighted moan into his mouth.

“Tell me how it feels, baby, tell me how good I make you feel” he rasped, the fingers of his free hand digging into the flesh of your thigh.

“It— fuck” you were interrupted as Howzer's fingers found a particularly deep spot within you, curling and hitting a place that made you unable to speak, “it feels so good, Captain”

“Yeah?” he asked, adding pressure to your clit so you could only nod in reply, “you like calling me that, huh?”

A small ‘yes’ slipped from your lips in a whisper, looking up into his eyes, and Howzer could see something shy swirling within them. He wasn't going to have that.

“Yes, what?” he challenged, and watched with pride as the timidity receded and a flicker of desire took its place.

“Yes, Captain”

Howzer smirked broadly, his teeth catching on his bottom lip as he looked down at the positive alluring sight of you at his mercy.

“Good girl” he praised, and felt the way you clenched around him in response. He was quickly coming to understand exactly what it was your body wanted from him.

He felt you getting close to finishing, your chest heaving and breath short and uneven as your walls tightened around his pumping fingers, but before you could reach your peak, he pulled his fingers from you completely. A sharp whine slipped from your lips at the loss, but Howzer just gave you a teasing simper.

“Not yet, mesh'la. I'll let you know when you can come” he spoke lowly, nothing but pure lust dripping from his tongue.

He could tell his words were having an effect on you. You were breathless, looking up at him through your eyelashes, and the sight alone was enough to set his skin alight in an entirely new way, his cock throbbing beneath his armour. A hand found its place on your cheek, needing an affirmative before continuing.

“How's that sound? You think you can follow my orders?” he asked, his tone reverent despite the meaning behind the words.

“Yes sir” you breathed out, and Howzer couldn't deny the way the sentiment set his insides alive.

He kissed you deeply, taking a moment in the flurry of desire to see to the fact that he cared for you deeply, and he wanted you to know that. His fingers traced your jaw, winding their way behind you head in a soft brush of skin against skin. He kept his touch light as he drew a path up to one of your lekku, and gently brushed his knuckles over the sensitive area.

He felt a shiver ripple through you, and you drew away from him with a shaky breath. Your eyes were a little wide, and he worried that he'd pushed your boundaries, but then your fingers hooked into his belt and you yanked him towards you.

“How do I take this off?” you asked, fumbling with the clasp.

Howzer laughed, your actions so sudden that he couldn't help himself, “here, let me do it”

He shooed your hands away, unclipping his belt and then going about removing the rest of his armour as quickly as possible. You just sat atop the counter, one leg crossed over the other and watching him with a fascination. He caught your eyes, and a smirk broke out over his face.

There was an understanding between you, a sense of affinity and trust that had been there since the beginning. Howzer didn't believe in fate — his time in the war had only taught him the certainty of everything being up to chance and luck — but something about the way you looked at him, the way his eyes found yours and things made sense, it felt that it had been brewing for a long time, since before you had met.

Once Howzer was just down to his blacks, his armour scattered about the floor that surrounded him, he pulled the top from his body, and your hands were on him before he could continue. You pulled him towards you, tasting his lips again, and he melted into you, his hands running up your thighs.

Your hands travelled over his chest and took a path downwards, your fingers brushing against his muscle and the hair that peeked above his blacks before they wrapped around his hardened length. An unbidden groan left his lips at the action, grinding himself into your hold and gripping the flesh of your thighs as you palmed him through the material. He could feel himself crumbling under your attention already, and he couldn't wait a second longer. He needed to feel you around him.

His thumbs hooked into the waistband of his blacks and tugged them down with his underwear, stepping out and catching the way you bit your lip at the sight of his cock springing free. He bunched your dress up around your hips and slid your underwear from your body with an urgency, placing himself between your legs once more and resting the blunt head of his cock at your entrance. Your breath stuttered at the sensation, and he looked up to meet your eyes once more.

You were so beautiful. He'd always known it, but a newfound appreciation of your beauty now washed over him like an icy tidal wave, waking him up and making him feel entirely more present and aware of what was happening. One of his hands lifted to caress your face, looking deeply into your eyes and feeling that connection, the tethering of souls that he desired.

“You're incredible” he breathed out, and your lips curled up into a genuine smile.

“I think you're pretty incredible too, since were being honest”

Howzer wasn't entirely sure how to respond to the compliment, but shortly a smug expression took over his face, “oh I know, you wouldn't write words like that otherwise”

You rolled your eyes, a huff leaving your lips, “cocky”

He dragged his tongue along his lips with a devilish grin, “you have no idea”

He sheathed into you, and heard a gasp get caught in your throat as he slowly filled you out. Your fingers gripped onto his shoulders as he bottomed out, and Howzer couldn't find it within himself to move. He pulled you close, your foreheads together and eyes closed as your bodies were flush with one another, his cock buried deep within you, basking in your warmth. He pulled out slowly, a careful procedure, and then sank back into you with a shuddering breath.

“Fuck” he choked out, running a soothing hand up your side, “you feel so good baby”

Howzer set a steady pace at first, relishing in the feeling of your tight walls around his cock, but soon found himself speeding up, the sensation too intoxicating and your nails biting into his shoulder making his vision hazy even as he opened his eyes. The melody of your moans was more colourful, inflections and articulations that he hadn't heard before, and the sounds alone were driving him closer to the edge by the second.

His speed was punishing, driving into you and hitting deep inside with each thrust. His hands gripped your thighs to ground him, feeling almost drunk on the feel of you. He was mumbling acclamatory words against your lips, unable to concentrate enough to speak properly, and especially when your lips were on his neck. It made his head spin, more arousing than he realised, and he felt positively high. You were invading his senses like a drug, and he was so lost in the moment that he was only brought back by the feel of your walls clenching around him. Despite his body's wishes, he pulled out of you completely. You let out a whine in protest, and he ran a finger over your pouting bottom lip with a chuckle.

“Not yet, pretty girl”

He brought his fingers to your core again, teasing you just enough to keep you on the edge. He watched you squirm, both satisfaction and frustration written into your expression, and your hands wrapped around the back of his neck and slid up, tangling in his hair as you guided his lips back to yours. You pulled gently, earning a groan from his throat that echoed in the space around you. Howzer returned the action, running his palm over the base of your lekku.

You whimpered against him, and pulled back fractionally to speak a desperate plea to let you finish. Instead of heeding your wishes, he took his fingers away from you, and a breath escaped you as your forehead came to rest on his chest. Your legs wrapped around his waist again, drawing him closer so his cock came into contact with your dripping core. He groaned deeply, wanting nothing more than to bury himself in you again.

“Where's your bedroom?” he mumbled out, and your head raised to look at him.

“Door on the right” you answered in a quick breath.

Howzer hooked his hands under your thighs and wasted no time in heading over towards the room. He smashed his hand into the door panel with an urgency, making you chuckle against his skin as you littered kisses up his neck and along his jaw. When he found the bed in the darkened room, he placed you down gently, laying you down beneath him. He took the opportunity to explore your body with his lips, pressing open mouthed kisses where your dress would allow, and nudging it aside when he wasn't satisfied with how little skin he could reach.

He then pulled back and tilted his head, a small smirk playing on his lips as he looked down at you, “don't you think you’re a little overdressed?”

Your lips lifted into their own smirk, “you think so?”

Howzer chucked darkly, his lips meeting the skin of your neck as he drew a path of kisses along the underside of your jaw. He paused for a moment, feeling you shudder at the feel of his hot breath against your ear.

“Be a good girl and take this off for me” he spoke lowly.

You pushed him away with a trembling breath, and he rolled off of you, sitting on the edge of the bed and watching as you stood. You slipped the straps of your dress from your shoulders, and the silky material of the dress folded easily, sliding from your body and pooling at your feet in one graceful motion. Howzer’s mouth dropped open, his hand reaching for you and tracing his thumb along your hip bone as he took in the sight of you in a state of undress.

“Kriff cyare, look at you” his tone was nothing short of worshipping, adoration and infatuation laced into his tone.

One side of your lips quirked up at the compliment, and however much he hadn't really spoke his mind, he knew you understood. He gripped your waist and pulled you back towards him, tugging you down and placing his body back on top of yours, caging your head between his splayed palms. He shook his head in disbelief, looking down at the sight of you beneath him and taking your hand in his, interlacing your fingers with his and pressing it into the bed.

“You ready pretty girl?” he asked in a whisper, leaning down to press a kiss to your jaw.

You nodded, your breath leaving you as he positioned himself at your entrance once more.

“Hm, doesn't seem like you really want it” He spoke coyly, slipping his length through your slick folds as he dragged his teeth along your collarbone.

You were whimpering, squirming beneath him, and he knew he had you absolutely wrapped around his finger in that moment. It was exhilarating, the idea that ordinarily you were a quiet and poised government official, strong in your resolve and far above him in station, but now you were beneath him, begging for more, hanging on his every word and under his command.

“Please, Captain” you breathed out, your tone so lustful that Howzer could have crumbled.

“Please what? You have to tell me what you need mesh'la” he rumbled against your skin, teasing your clit with the tip of his cock.

“Please, I— I need you to fuck me Captain”

You sounded desperate, and it drew a low groan from Howzer's throat, “that's more like it”

His forehead met yours as he slid inside of you again, filling you completely in one thrust, the dulcet sound of your moans mixing filling the dark room. Your eyes rolled to the back of your head, your hand gripping his tighter as he pounded into you. He wasn’t entirely sure that he was actually going to last much longer with the feel of your walls clenching around him, but he was determined to have you hanging on until the very last second.

The feeling that it gave him, the intimacy of it more than anything, was euphoric. He had never felt so close to another person, so understood and frankly loved, whether or not it was the case. The two of you were connected in a way that he couldn't comprehend, but could only feel, an energy that bound you together and created a space where only the two of you existed.

He felt your walls tightening around him once more, and kept his pace up as he spoke, “ah, ah. You don't come until I tell you to, remember?”

“Yes, Captain” you whimpered, your eyes screwing shut.

“Hey” he said more gently, slowing down as his hand caressed your face, “look at me.” Your eyes opened once more, and a smile broke out on his face naturally, “there you are pretty girl”

He bumped his forehead with yours as he resumed his punishing pace, his eyes burning into yours and yours burning in kind. He could tell you were only just hanging on, doing everything in your willpower to not come undone until he let you, and he just felt grateful for the trust you had in him to allow him to have such a power over you.

“You take me so well baby” he whispered, his voice reverent and gentle as he buried his face in your neck, nipping at your skin, “made for this cock”

His breath stuttered as he felt himself getting close, not able to hold on for much longer, and your whispered pleas told him that you were right there with him.

“where do you want me?” he asked, his voice strained.

You were breathless as you replied, almost relieved, “inside”

Howzer groaned deeply, stilling inside you and trying to control his body desperately, “I'm serious cyar'ika”

“I'm protected” you assured him, “please Captain, I want to feel you”

That was all Howzer needed to resume his shattering pace, his hands holding your hips firmly in place as he pounded into you and finally spoke the words, “come for me, baby”

You were easily pushed over the edge, and Howzer rode you through your high until he came undone with a harsh grunt, spilling his seed deep within you. It took more than a moment to come down from the pure bliss of fulfilment, and when he did, his eyes opened to look down at you, still panting, and you were doing the same. He let out a breathy laugh, grinning at your spent expression.

He slipped out of you, sitting back on his heels to catch his breath, and watched the way his seed spilled out of you, making his teeth sink into his lip. His eyes found yours once more as his hand gently kneaded your thigh, shaking his head in disbelief.

“What?” you asked, a gentle smile playing on your lips.

“You're just—” he breathed out deeply, “you're so beautiful”

You grinned at him, sitting up on your elbows, “thank you”

You looked confident in saying it, and his heart sang with affection. He pressed a kiss to your knee and stood from the bed, “don't move, I'll be right back”

He left the room and entered what he rightly assumed was the refresher, and returned with tissue in hand. He helped you clean up before crawling over you again, cupping your face and pressing a tender kiss to your lips.

You hummed contentedly, your own hand caressing his face, outlining the scar on his cheek, “will you stay the night?”

You looked so hopeful in asking, but Howzer sighed, “I can't be caught leaving here tomorrow”

You chewed on your cheek, looking away for a moment, “just for a little while then?”

He smiled, “alright, a little while”

He settled beside you and pulled your body flush against his, placing a kiss to your forehead as he held you close. Your face was buried in his chest, breath tickling his skin, and he couldn't think of a time when he had ever felt as contented as this.

“Howzer?” you called softly.

“Hm?” he rumbled, his arms tightening around you.

“What— um…” you stammered, and he pulled back to look at you.

“What's up?”

You didn't look nervous perse, he didn't think you capable of it, but you looked a little apprehensive to say whatever it is that was hanging onto your tongue.

“What does this mean?” you asked quietly.

Howzer smiled, his fingers brushing against your cheekbone as he looked down at you adoringly, “it means whatever you want it to”

You tilted your head at him a little, “well what do you want?”

“I only want whatever you'll give me, however much that is”

A small smile tugged at your lips, and you lifted your head to give him a quick kiss on the cheek, “I just want you… in every way I can”

“Then I'm yours” he smiled in return, “in every way”

It was first light when Howzer awoke the next day, the sun only just breaching the horizon and casting a blue glow through the curtains of your bedroom. He was pressed up against your body, curled around you and keeping you sealed in a warm embrace with his arms.

He wished that you could stay like this forever, the both of you comfortable and locked together, hidden from the unblinking eye of the outside world and the realities that weighed on your minds at any other moment. Here, there was no Empire, no politics, no power — just peace.

Howzer nuzzled into your neck for just a second, pressing a lingering kiss to your throat, before he pulled away from you completely, leaving the room to get dressed into his previously discarded armour. If he had taken another moment he was sure he'd never leave.

He dressed quickly, slipping his blacks on and putting his armour back in it's place. As he adjusted his pauldron, he looked back towards your bedroom door. He didn't want to leave without saying goodbye, but he also didn't want to wake you. You would be getting up soon enough, but he wouldn't deny you even a few minutes of rest with the state of things in the senate bureau, so instead he opted to write a note.

He found your flimsibook and a stylus in the drawer where you had stuffed them the night before and opened to the next blank page, next to the end of a very long poem that was seemingly about justice, based on the heavy use of the word. He wasn't going to pry by reading it once more, so he just wrote a quick note down, to let you know that he'd make some caf for you. His language wasn't as flowery as yours, and he almost felt embarrassed for it, but he wasn't exactly trying to be very poetic. He set a batch of caf on to brew, then slipped out the front door as quietly as possible.

The air outside was fresh, the scent of morning dew and the ever-present lavender invading his senses, though the distinct lack of people around was strange. Howzer was never usually out of the barracks this early so it was unusual to be able to hear the birdsong, which was usually covered by the sound of people talking, milling about, on their way to work. It was nice, perhaps he'd make an effort to get up earlier in the future.

As he made his way towards the square, he was ambushed by a pair of troopers, exactly the people he was trying to avoid in not going back to the barracks.

“Where have you been?” Teddy asked him with a taunting edge, knocking his elbow as the two of them walked either side of him.

“Yeah, you weren't in your bed last night” Oscar smirked, “which begs the question: whose bed were you in?”

Howzer rolled his eyes, playing off their questions, “I was stationed at the Senator's estate last night”

Oscar let out a loud laugh, “as if you slept in the Senator's mansion”

“We're not that stupid, sir” Teddy gave him a knowing look, “well, maybe Oscar is, but come on, wh—”

“Hey!” Oscar reached around his Captain to push Teddy away.

“You two are such children” Howzer shook his head disapprovingly, though a small smile still managed to worm its way onto his face.

“He started it” Oscar grumbled, his arms crossed over his chest.

“Did not” Teddy grinned, rubbing his arm.

“Anyway” Oscar said pointedly, “you didn't answer the question. who'd you go home with, Captain?”

Howzer scoffed, “I’m not discussing this with you loudmouths”

“Don't worry sir, I'll cover his ears while you tell me” Teddy suggested, causing Howzer to chuckle.

“Don't you two have somewhere to be?” He asked as they came to a stop in the town square, an eyebrow raised and looking between them.

“Ugh” Oscar huffed, rolling his eyes, “I suppose”

“Best be off then” Howzer nudged him forwards.

Oscar was mumbling under his breath as he walked away, and Teddy leaned toward Howzer fractionally, his tone amused, “Don't worry sir, I'll keep him in line”

“I know you will, Teddy” Howzer chuckled fondly as he stepped away, “I'll see you later”

Teddy gave his Captain a quick salute and ran after his brother, throwing an arm around his shoulders on approach. Howzer turned away with an affectionate smile and the threat of a scoff leaving his mouth at their antics.

Howzer had barely been keeping it together all morning, and he had no idea how you could act so nonchalantly, as if nothing had transpired between the two of you. It wasn't discussed that your escapades from the previous night would be kept a secret, but it was assumed. That didn't stop the way the edges of Howzer's lips curled into a smirk upon seeing you enter the room.

Today you were dressed in a corseted robe, paisley designs adorning the silky sleeves and collar, and it was noticeably a light blue-green colour; teal. Howzer shook his head at you and had to bite back a smirk, he could tell you knew what you were doing. You had greeted him with a simple ‘Good morning, Captain’ but it had made his blood run hot with memories of the previous night filling his vision. He had never been so thankful for his codpiece.

He watched as you and Cham discussed something in his office, your voices too far away to hear what. He caught little words here and there, but nothing that really indicated the subject matter. It made him laugh, really. You would both probably discuss it with him later, so there was no need for the hushed tone you employed, but neither of you knew that. Perhaps you did, but your sabacc face was too good that he couldn't tell.

The arrival of a new Imperial officer, a vice admiral, had been the talk of the day. The man was so self-important and petulant that Howzer was sure he was making up for something, though in truth, he hadn't been paying all that much attention to him. He hadn't been paying attention to anyone but you.

You had met his gaze only once since first saying good morning, and it was driving him crazy, particularly as the one time he did catch your eyes, you had sent him a maddeningly sultry smirk. Howzer felt like all the self control he had left within him was hanging by a thread, ready to snap.

When the time was right, he pulled the thread, and let it break, finally getting you alone and dragging you behind a non-descript door that ended up being some kind of supply closet. He instantly pushed you up against the wall, attaching his lips to yours with a desperation that made you smirk against his mouth.

“Someone's eager” you chuckled as his lips left yours for a moment.

“Shut up” he mumbled, kissing you deeply in between his words, “what do you expect when you walk in wearing this?”

You smirked broadly, “I thought you'd like it”

He suppressed a groan as your teeth dragged along his lip, “you're trouble”

Howzer's hands roved over your body, mapping the shape of it and burning it into his brain. He ran his tongue over the seem of your lips, begging for entrance that you allowed in an instant, and the soft sigh that left you made his knees weak.

A shuffling of feet outside the door made the both of you freeze, eyes opening and locking as you listened intently. It sounded as if there was a group of people passing by, their discussion so benign it could be about anything.

You smiled up at Howzer as their voices receded, and he returned the gesture, his arms snaking around your waist and holding you tightly.

“Thank you for the caf” you whispered.

“It was no problem” he whispered back, a hand cupping your cheek.

“But next time, wake me up” you said, somehow ever quieter.

The promise of a next time made his smile widen, and he knew now that he wouldn't deny you anything you asked for. He bit his lip as you looked up at him through your lashes, your gentle expression making his chest feel tight with admiration.

“Alright” he murmured.

He dipped his head and nudged your chin up with his nose to latch his lips onto your neck, and that wonderful sighing noise left your parted lips once more.

“We shouldn’t be doing this here” you insisted, your voice breathy and full of a certain neediness despite your words.

“Tell me to stop” Howzer spoke, his warm breath over your collarbone, and you moaned softly, prompting him to repeat himself, “go on, tell me to stop”

Your breath was short, but you found your voice enough to speak, “no sir”

“That's what I thought”

Howzer placed an armoured leg between your thighs to pin you to the wall, and a less gentle moan slipped from your lips.

“Shhh” he cooed, shifting his leg further up just to tease you, and you struggled to suppress another noise, “do you think you can stay quiet for me, baby?”

You stifled a noise as he bit into your neck, giving him his answer.

“Good girl”

taglist: @darthnihila @cdblake1565 @heidnspeak @mae-lou-ron @burningnerdchild @orangez3st

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dreamwritersworld · 1 year ago

Text

On the run (? X Reader)

* means it’s referring back to an old memory

During the past few weeks Y/n coudlnt held but stay silent to the Sully’s. She had so much time to think now, she sat and wondered a lot..

Would Neteyam be the one?…I have loved him my whole life

Their puppy love was the sweetest when they were younger

He didn’t fail to make Y/n smile and she didn’t fail to give him butterflies. Everyone could see that they liked each other, but Neteyam denied it..forever wanting to keep his feelings secret.

Neteyam knew what love was, how it looked..he saw it on his parents. It was the fact that it was Y/n, she was who had his heart. They grew up together, played together, trained together, occasionally slept by each others side, sharing warmth and comfort between their bed.

Having Y/n there during training put his mind at ease, because once it was over…

“Neteyam!”

“Y/n!”

They grabbed each others hands as they lifted each other off the floor running in a circle, laughing like children..

It wasn’t just that but when they slept beside each other Neteyam would graze his hand on her face as she did the same, smiling at each other…so in love.

Was all that just something she imagined?..Made more than what it was? How about all those times Neteyam treated her sweetly? All those times he was a gentleman..

The two sat in silence, listening to the sweet sound of the forest and their bodies relaxed, comfortable with just sitting next to each other.

Neteyam spoke first, he always did..his voice would only bring her out of her daze.

“So, when I was training I found this for you.”

he opened a bag and, pulled out gemstones that were so beautiful they were able to match Y/n’s eyes..

“..for you!”

Y/n accepted the gift, admiring it

“thank you, it’s beautiful..”

Around him, y/n spoke softly and calmly. It didn’t take long for Neteyam to smile shyly looking down.

Y/n embedded those gemstones into her hair, she still has them.

…and then everything went crashing down

They had walked into his home, seeing both their parents seated..staring in silence.

“Ah Y/n! Neteyam! Just who we’re talking about!”

Neteyam and Y/n’s hand remained on top of each other, both were confused and scared for their next words

Their parents had dragged the conversation on for awhile..until they finally said it.

“…you too will be promised to each other.”

Y/n gripped Neteyam’s hand until he tugged on her hand to let go. That’s when her heart began to shatter..was he not happy? Of course this was sudden, but at least she wasn’t fully uncomfortable with the situation..

“What? You can’t do this father.”

“We have to Neteyam, you have no other women beside you to be a leader to this clan. You have no one worthy of this position besides Y/n, she is best for the future. You two spend quite some time together.”

“Yes! Because she’s Y/n dad. We’ve known each other since we were children-“

Y/n’s father made an abrupt interruption to Neteyam’s statement

“That Makes this relationship between you two even better. There is no discussion about this Neteyam. Y/n is yours.”

Those final words rang in Y/n’s head, louder than ever…it felt as though she was drowning. Her entire life, body and soul would be Neteyam’s and he wouldn’t be able to be satisfied.

Neteyam gave one last look to Y/n before walking away , Y/n followed.

“Neteyam! Neteyam! Please stop!”

“What?!”

“We can make this work Neteyam, I understand that this isn’t what you want-“

“Of course this isn’t Y/n! I wanted to choose my mate, this is my life.”

“And this is mine. I respect that but..just please Neteyam we have no choice, we can make the best of it-“

“Really? The way I see it, is that there’s no way out, what more does this deal have to offer?”

“A chance to connect on a deeper level Neteyam…I know you, I’ve known you for all my life..Neteyam I-“

“You what? You love me? You can’t say that when we literally just got set up to be mated? We’re already promised with no choice, it makes no sense to admit feelings right now Y/n.”

“Neteyam..”

It was the cracks in Y/n’s voice that hurt Neteyam, but he couldn’t help it..it was how he felt. Maybe his feelings for Y/n weren’t real, they were just surface level emotions that never seemed to leave …but how could he ever explain to her the way he felt? Y/n was everything to him and now their relationship would go down the drain, everyone was rushing them to be together and Y/n needed someone ready and stable to protect her. Neteyam felt he couldn’t fufill that need, he wasn’t ready to be committed to her…he had his own plans and his own timeline for them.

…did all the running we did mean nothing?

“I just want to leave, get away from all the training and find my own way.”

“If you go Neteyam…I will too. We can go on the run”

The pair smiled to each other shyly. Weather Neteyam realized it or not Y/n’s way of showing love to him was everything.

acts of service

Words of Affirmation

Physical touch

Y/n had it all and she was able to grant it to whoever won her heart, Neteyam had all her love.

Their love was sweet..

He won’t play, he’s no fun…

Tuk was dragging my arm urging Y/n to play with her, so she did

The young girls laughed as they chased each other, neteyam watched from afar.

He wanted so desperately to join but he feared that Y/n wouldn’t be ok with it, not after everything that was said and done. He never was one to show deep emotions so he never did, he never let go of his sadness. That certain emotion is one he kept hidden, especially when he watched his relationship with Y/n fall apart. Neteyam’s stares caught Tuk’s eye, as she ran to him grabbing his hand to play with them.

“Cmon Neteyam! Play with us!”

“No Tuk. I have to get back to work.”

Y/n watched Neteyam walk away, it hurt that he disassociated himself with everything. neteyam used to be the man who would give up whatever he was doing to spend his time with his little sister and …with Y/n.

Y/n’s thought came to an abrupt end, Lo’ak urged Y/n to pay attention and hurry off to training with them, saying “Tsireya would want us there bright and early!”

On the outside of it all Neteyam and Y/n seemed somewhat normal, they kept their problems in their relationship hidden once they got promised. They seemed as though they had a perfect love story. However, if you focus on their flaw you’ll notice all the cracks ready to burst in the relationship.

Neteyam rushed to Y/n’s side, both of them standing tall and confident side by side. It was as though they were a power couple, never to be broken..

“Hello guys! We’re going to do diving training today!”

Tsireya yelled louder than ever, excitement within her voice as the group smiles at her warm welcoming. Ao’nung however couldn’t keep his eyes off of Y/n, he hated it. She was the most breathtaking navi he’d ever seen and yet he hates that newcomers have came to his home…not her though, she was a gift.

Tsireya was going to group everyone with specific partners until Ao’nung signed to her to let him go with Y/n, he made up an excuse to go along with it of course; gullible Tsireya believed it.

“…and Y/n you’re with Ao’nung!”

Y/n’s body unintentionally reacted to this, her ears went up when she heard his name and her tail swayed side to side under the water; Neteyam was furious. It had been a few weeks and it somehow always ended up with Y/n and Ao’nung being partnered. The entire time the pair interacted, he watched and it bothered him that he couldn’t even hear them.

“I’ll put the shells at the deepest part of the sea and you can dive down to take them ok?”

“Ok! This is going to be easy!”

“We’ll see”

The pair exchanged challenging smiles, Ao’nung diving down to place the shells. Y/n didn’t even wait for him to say go, she just dived right in..

Y/n was under the water swimming for what felt like hours, but that could’ve just been because Ao’nung missed her sweet face. When she finally rose she had more than the shells she was tasked with..

“Wha-what is that? I thought i told you to get-“

“Just the ones you put out, I knowwww. But i found this..”

Ao’nung dazed off, admiring Y/n’s face, he was pulled out of it when Y/n motioned him to take the most beautiful gems he’d seen. All he could think was how Y/n was able to connect with the ocean and bring the most beautiful things to the surface with her…

“For you! For teaching my family your ways!”

“I-i don’t need that-“

“I insist!”

He grabbed the gems with a shy smile, attempting to keep his cool. It bothered him that she said “my family” as if he hadn’t noticed how distant she was with her own promised mate. Ao’nung hated the idea of her being stuck with him, he didn’t even appreciate her the way she deserved..

“..thank you..so i was thinking about instead of you know? Being with your family for dinner, you’d come to our home, you and Lo’ak..considerate as a peace offering.”

The words slipped right out of Ao’nungs mouth without a thought, he gave a cold shoulder to any of the Sully’s but Y/n consistently held his heart captive.

“Just a peace offering?..ok, that sounds great! Would the others be able to come or exclusively me and lo-“

“Yes just you and Lo’ak…you know since we’re the closest to you two”

“Oh of course!”

Y/n smiled, turning away so he wouldn’t noticed her excitement. The two sat and discussed about everything and anything for what felt like hours, Y/n even got to know more of two of Aonung’s greatest friends. However when she walked home she couldn’t help but feel sick to her stomach, she was happy. In the longest, for the first time ever she was excited and blushing, oblivious to the conversation happening while she was gone..

“She’s nice and whatever but something tells me she’s more than just a friend-“ (Roxto)

“More than a friend? Please their already mated with that way their speaking.” (friend 1)

“No-“ (Ao’nung)

“Don’t deny it Ao’nung! You just can’t help it and that’s fine man. I see the way you talk to her when we’re training, the way you look at her” (Roxto)

“We aren’t anything. She has a promised mate-“

“What?!” (Friend 1)

“Shh! I don’t think their too open about it, Neteyam isn’t what she needs. I mean he can barley make an effort to show her off.”

“Ah but it doesn’t mean anything Ao’nung..you know that right?” (Roxto)

“What do you mean? She probably just loves him in private she wouldn’t just-“

“Dude I’ve heard Kiri tell Tsireya about it. Kiri says their relationship was good when they were younger but for some reason once they were promised it fell apart-“ (Roxto)

“No, cmon Ao’nung don’t listen to Roxto . Just enjoy her from afar, she’s promised-“ (friend 1)

“Well..maybe your right-“ (Ao’nung)

“No?! he isn’t. Neteyam’s own mother did the same thing when she was young. She was promised and mated with a demon blood. If she can do it, Y/n can too!” (Roxto)

“That’s different, Neytiri did that on her own terms , she wouldn’t want Y/n to do that to her son-“ (Ao’nung)

“Like you said, “Neteyam isn’t what she needs” so maybe..? Just maybe, Y/n will recognize that.” (Roxto)

“Your insane man, she won’t have an affair-“ (friend 1)

“They aren’t mated yet!” (Ao’nung)

Aonung sighed as he laying on the same with his back as he smiled to Roxto and his friends encouragements of just how much Y/n was happy with him

“She smiled brighter than ever Ao’nung!”

…the picture perfect life with Y/n was installed into Aonung’s head…

That night while Y/n laid in her bed smiling, fear began to seek from under her. Neteyam’s hand rested on her hip as she thought about another man, it had been so long since she felt excitement..yet she felt guilty.

-💕-

Hope you enjoyed love!

@jackiehollanderr @itsemy01

#angst #jake sully x reader #neteyam x reader #neteyam sully #sully family x daughter reader #spotify #soundcloud #avatar loak #avatar the way of water

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namfinessed · 1 year ago

Text

in you, i lay - k.sj.

summary: one night was all you needed to come back to him or a story in which love grows where seokjin goes, and you can’t help but follow.

genre: fluff (7.8k)

note: i have my exams soon, so i’ll get back to writing as soon as they are over, i wanted to give you all a little something before that so, i hope, with all my heart, that you guys enjoy this <3

masterlist

three years ago, your trip to berlin changed the entire trajectory of your life.

one day, your life was all black and white and then it burst into so many colors that you couldn’t quite grasp how quickly it changed to look so beautiful.

which is why you decided to come back to berlin. more successful, happy, and filled with life than you have ever been, you came back to live your bright past for one last time and move on to bigger things.

you look out the window as the cab breezes past the beach that held more memories than 23 years of your life, a smile unconsciously grows on your face as you think back on how different just 3 years of your life were.

you wonder how he is.

you never stopped wondering how he is.

the envelope holding your promotion was sat tightly in your hands, you knew he would be happy, ecstatic even, you just knew he would pick you up and spin you around. out of everyone in your life, you felt like he, of all people, would understand just how much this promotion meant to you.

“take a right or left from here, ma’am?” the cab driver’s voice breaks your train of thoughts. “right, you know this applefarm café which is around here? drop me off there.” you sit back and a giddy smile dances on your face, you wonder if you will run into him just like you did all those years ago or if you will have to call and find out.

you did worry at the beginning that maybe he would forget you, but every nerve in your body forced itself to implant him in your memory forever and you knew that he would do the same.

at applefarm café, you took a seat right near the entrance, it was exactly the spot where you had brunch with him after a night full of conversations that were embedded in you and your heart swelled when you saw the same elderly waitress, who served you all those years ago, heading towards you.

“what can i get for you today, ma’am?” she obviously didn’t remember you, but you couldn’t help but let a large grin split at her sight.

“a peach milkshake and chocolate tart please” it’s a miracle that you’ve managed to remember his order after all these years but every single second you spent with him is all your mind revolves around anymore, especially when you’re so close yet still far from him.

~2019~

you don’t know how your friends convinced you to come on this last-minute trip to berlin but here you were, not hating every second but still totally uncomfortable with how unprepared you were for this trip.

you were, to put it in a nice way, a total control freak.

you didn’t like going anywhere that wasn’t already dated in your planner, last-minute plans made you sweat like a wolf in heat, and it annoyed you to your very core when someone canceled plans that you had already made a schedule around.

even right now, as your friends happily pre-gamed before crashing a party, you were anxiously jotting down things you can do in berlin for the rest of your time there. your closest friend, jennie looks over and groans when she catches sight of the planner in your hands and immediately walks over to snatch it from you.

“seriously, what the fuck?” you yell after her as she locks the planner in the hotel room-provided vault. “i thought we all agreed on going spontaneous for this trip” she crosses her arms across her chest as she stares at you accusingly. “yes, all of you agreed but not me, we still haven’t done any tourist stuff and we leave tomorrow.” you desperately try to explain your friends, who through their fondness for your love for organizing, are shaking their heads at you.

“i have reached my limit of spontaneity, give me a break” you groan as you fall back on the bed, you don’t understand why you just can’t relax and let things be, you have always had a hard time with letting go or having fun, always too cautious and way too strung up to even think of doing something rebellious.

“listen, i know this is hard for you but for this one last night, just trust us.” lisa pats your thigh as she sits down beside you, trying not to grin at your obvious misery. “do i have a choice to do anything but that?” you can’t help but ask even if you know the answer and they all collectively smirk at you because they know that you know it too.

so, five hours later, when you’re sitting at your table in a club that you’re sure is way too small to fit the number of people in it, you are not the least bit surprised. your friends are swaying next to you, to the music and you’re all cheering before shots but you don’t feel all excited.

sure, you are happy, you love your friends but there is something missing in the air of the night.

maybe your drinks aren’t strong enough, maybe you are too in your head (yet again) to fully come out of your shell, maybe these lights are starting to make you feel dizzy, you don’t know.

but your attention is quickly taken away by the faint sound of a guitar strumming, and as you start to register the sound, you see everyone hurriedly walking over to the beach at the back of the place, all of them bubbling with excitement.

you watch as people keep shuffling towards the beach with loud chatter and you tilt your head at the commotion, wondering what could possibly have these people so flushed with anticipation.

and you don’t know why but your gut pulls you towards the back as well.

you have always been curious, about everything you come across, you need to everything that’s going on around you, and a large group of people migrating so suddenly, had your feet moving as quickly as they could towards them.

you look around confusedly at everyone gathered around a stage, quickly learning that a performance was set to take place, and also that there were no places left to sit so you dumbly hover by the door leading to the back, concluding that some hinge support was better than standing around in the loose sand for however long the performance was supposed to last.

then, over the gentle crashing of the waves to the shore, you hear it again, the faint guitar strumming but it’s not as faint anymore.

and it was coming from the right of you.

your head snaps to see the silhouette of a man tuning his guitar, and you automatically hold your breath as your eyes involuntarily lock on his figure.

you watched in wonder as the moon seemed to engulf him in cosmic light, you could see his high nose from where you were standing, you could see his hair with a few strands out of place, and you could see the loose shape of a t-shirt hanging off his tall and lean body, but you don’t know what exactly about him made every action in your body pause.

your eyes involuntarily follow him as he is joined by a few more people and all of them head onto the make-shift stage. loud cheers fill the previous silence but you don’t hear any of it, you don’t even hear your own heart beating out of your chest, you don’t see the hoards of people around you because your eyes still refuse to look away from him.

and when the honey-shaded light falls on him, you release the breath you didn’t know you were holding as your body shivers both in dread and delight, which you would later blame the cold weather for.

because nothing in the world could’ve prepared you for the sight that was that man.

you have seen good-looking people in your life, for heavens’ sake, you have some of the most attractive people you know as your friends but no one has quite invaded every one of your senses so quickly, as this man did.

and you are not sure how exactly you are supposed to feel about that.

from the cloud in your mind, you make out that they were introducing themselves but you don’t really understand what they’re saying. they start a song, you can see him singing, you can see his charming eyes hyping up the crowd from where you stood, you can see how the crowd is totally captivated by the dude with the guitar but you don’t know what they’re singing, you are not listening to a word they are pouring their heart into.

and you feel dirty, that you can’t take your eyes off him, you try to think of how if you were in his place, you wouldn’t want someone to stare at you like they haven’t seen another being in their life.

but then again, he wasn’t just any other being, he was literally the most beautiful being you have laid eyes on.

after forcing yourself to snap out of whatever mild haze that trapped your senses, you look around once again to see everyone enveloping the person next to them as they sway to the voice of the guy and the waves moved more soundly as if to accommodate the delicate ambiance that evening.

“maybe i’ll just never know, maybe i’ll just never hold you anymore but i can say i tried, i can say i fought for you, over the tallest hill in the world, i can yell that i loved you as much as i could, can you say the same?”

his angelic voice rings through the crowd, the lights falling even more delicately on him as he raises his gaze to meet the loved-up couples, and instead ends up meeting your eyes which haven’t been able to look away from him.

you turn your head with cheeks feeling hot as lava as you internally cringe at yourself.

what the fuck are you doing?

what has come over you?

sure, he is attractive but why are you acting as if you have never seen another man?

you sheepishly pat your cheeks before making a quick decision to leave as soon as you can, you can’t afford to make yourself look like even more of a fool than you already have.

but you risk it anyway, you tilt your head slightly to see if he’s gone back to what he was doing, you just wanted one last look at him before you left for good, you needed something to burn this into your memory.

so, imagine what happens when he gives you just what you need to never forget him again.

he was looking right at you, refusing to turn away even after you’ve clearly caught him and he continues singing while keeping his eyes on your every movement.

“but i can say i tried, i can say i gave it my all, i can say i used the last breath in me to breath life into you, can you?”

his lovely voice overshadows the bleak lyrics and you can feel your heartbeat all the way down to your toes.

and that’s when you leave.

you don’t notice the way his hands tighten around his guitar as you turn away.

when you go back in, you immediately collapse near the bar and your dress rides up your thighs as you slump forward on the counter and breathe out a long sigh. you can’t believe your body really gave up on you because one guy looked at you, and frankly, you are very much disappointed in your lack of self-control.

but he was looking at you too.

he refused to stop looking at you, even after you obviously caught him.

and that brought back the heat in your cheeks.

you feel ridiculous and embarrassed at your lack of composure, you don’t even think you have looked at any of the romantic partners in your life that way.

you shake your head at yourself, it was one thing to embarrass yourself, it was another thing to embarrass yourself in a foreign country, and you are so busy beating yourself up, you don’t see the person taking a seat next to you.

“whenever you are done talking to yourself, can i have a turn?” you hear the smoothest voice from beside you and you jump in surprise, not expecting another person to have joined you. in a panic, your eyes hurriedly meet theirs, and your breath is taken away all the same when you see who it is.

he’s still got his guitar resting on his shoulder, his hair is still fashionably out of place, his nose is still high from up close, his shirt hangs off his frame just the same but his face, his face was otherworldly this close.

and you have been talking to yourself like a mad person when he was right next to you.

how charming.

“what are you doing here?” the question tumbles out of your mouth before you can catch it and he quirks an eyebrow at you, an amused smile now gracing his features, you are sure he is smiling because of how wide your eyes have gotten. “if you are interested, i am here for you and if you are not, well, i’m here for this.” he picks up the glass collecting condensation on the counter and picks it up.

of course, with a gorgeous face like his, he is also a smooth talker.

“weren’t you just performing up there?” you try to ask with a clear voice but an audible gulp in the middle of the sentence gives away your nervousness. “i’m done, for today at least” he shrugs and you ignore the fact that his eyes never leave your face as he waits for you to speak.

if he noticed how nervous you are (which you frankly doubt he didn’t, cause you were being obvious with your fidgeting), he didn’t point it out which you felt grateful for.

“you’ve got a lovely voice” you tell him honestly, shifting in your seat to face him better, you did find his voice to be one of the sweetest you have ever heard. his voice held a different depth, now when he was speaking, that you are not sure you comprehend yet. “not lovely enough to make you stay till the end?” you want to run away again as he casually brings up how you ran away in embarrassment when your eyes met his.

“that was not the reason i left” you mumble as you lift your glass to take a large gulp and when you look back at him, he is smiling. he feels good, he feels damn good that someone as pretty as you, are losing your words over him. but he wasn’t doing any better, his heart was pounding in his ears with every word he spoke, and he still can’t believe he mustered up the courage to follow you in.

he hasn’t felt his heart leap so simply and so boundlessly, in a long time. he’s not even sure he’s ever felt this way before.

his pull to you felt magnetic, he didn’t understand why he felt the need to talk to you but he did, and he couldn’t ignore his feelings or understand them if he was being honest, so he was going to do everything he can to understand why you stood out to him in a room with 50 other people.

so he found himself, hurriedly running off the stage after his performance to find you again.

and now that he was this close to you, he understood his racing heart a little but that just left him wanting to know everything about you.

“my name is seokjin, and if you allow me, i would like to take you back there” he stands up, putting his hand out for you to take and your stomach tightens in the pure rush that simple line made you feel. seokjin’s hand trembled in the air, out of sheer nervousness that you were going to say no and turn away, he wished you didn’t notice.

“seokjin” you repeat in a quiet tone, you loved his name already, something about his name fit his face perfectly and you realize that while you were thinking of his name, your hand already reached to place it in his.

and his heart leaps again, he lets out a breath of relief as an easy smile takes over his face.

he gleefully tightens his hand around yours and pulls you to stand with him, that’s when you realize you didn’t even ask him why you were going back. and you can’t bring yourself to care, your entire body is flushed from his hand, you are sure your cheeks are as red as they come and your gaze decides to admire his broad back as he guides the both of you through the crowd.

this isn’t like you, this isn’t like you at all.

you never just talk to strangers, you don’t hold their hands, you don’t get this nervous around a person even if you are a shy person but your mind seemed to tumble on itself since you’ve seen him.

once you are out in the open air, your hot skin raises in goosebumps from how cold the weather had gotten and a slow, sweet song was playing. you could see that people were swaying their bodies with each other and it looked like the setting couldn’t have been more intimate, even with the full room.

you suck in a breath when seokjin turns around to look at you, your hand fell limply to your side as he left, and now, you could truly feel how bone-chilling it was.

“only if you want to, can i have this dance with you?” the way he asks in reassuring, laced with choice for you, it mattered to him more than anything, that you are okay with this and when you smile at him shyly, he swears his heart bursts into a million colors. “let’s go” this time, you envelop your hand around his and drag him with you where you can both dance without bumping into people.

you are still confused; you are still so new to all of this but you couldn’t deny how good it felt to be around him.

in a partly secluded corner, you remove your hand from his and wait for him to make the move which he doesn’t take too long to do.

within seconds, he hesitantly places an arm on the side of your waist and you step closer, feeling your breath waver already. he lets his eyes stay on your face as his other hand starts tracing where your arm begins to end by lacing your fingers with his and the entire time, he kept looking for any signs of discomfort in your face and lets out a breath of relief when he doesn’t see any.

“is this, okay?” he mutters, his voice lowering several more octaves and the room felt tight around you, like there was no space to move if it wasn’t in his arms and you found yourself wanting to erase any distance between you two. “more than okay” you mumble back and he bites his lip to hold back his huge smile at your response.

then, he took the confidence he got from the small smile on your face and tightened his hold on you as he started swaying the both of you to the music. and frankly, you didn’t care a bit about the song being played, maybe it was because of the way the same honey-light fell on him as he moved you two, maybe it was because you have never felt so breathless yet so full of life at once but you felt comfortable, comfortable enough to not question how you felt right in that moment.

he made small talk as he twirled you around, seokjin kept leaning in to make sure you knew that you had every bit of his attention and with every question you asked him, he answered with enthusiasm and humor which had your cheeks hurting from smiling so big.

for the first time in a very long time, you weren’t fidgeting to run around to get to the next thing you were supposed to do, you weren’t mentally counting down the minutes you needed to move on, because, somewhere in the middle of him dipping you dramatically to make you laugh to the way his touch left your skin burning; for those few moments, no other place in the world seemed more important.

seokjin’s very presence made you feel calmer than any years of therapy did and you weren’t sure what you were supposed to do with that information.

“aren’t you going to ask me for my name?” you remind him halfway through the third song and he laughs breathily, sucking in a breath before offering the widest smile to you, which made you instantly smile back even more. “i can’t believe i forgot to ask you that, please excuse my lack of manners. so, what is your name?” he asks, polite as ever, and you immediately tell him.

and just like you, seokjin finds your name to be perfect for your face.

“so, tell me y/n, what brings you here to this place?” his curiosity about you was eating him alive but thankfully, you were more than to humor him. “they have the cheapest vodka around here, at least that’s what it said on yelp” you answer honestly and jin lets out a snort at that. “alcohol shouldn’t be as expensive as it is” he shakes his head in a sort of agreement with you. “exactly like it’s my senses that are being deprived, why am i paying with half my kidney for that?” you complain with furrowed eyebrows and jin coos at the sight, he loves to hear you whine, he loves it way too much.

he keeps asking you questions, about what brought you to berlin, what you liked so far, and who you came here with and you felt yourself melting even more into him as you answer him.

“why did you start performing here?” you ask this time and giggle when he spins you around suddenly to place your back against his chest, both his arms still tightly wound around you as he looks down at you.

he barely knows you but seokjin is willing to bet that he’s going to remember this night forever because no one ever asked him about his purpose for performing.

"well, as you’ve said, i have a lovely voice, i thought why let it go to waste, you know?” you let out a small laugh at the confidence and silliness in his tone but quickly tilt your head as if it to ask him to answer seriously.

at the curious look in your eyes and the light hitting you just right, seokjin feels his senses drain from his body because suddenly, all his eyes can see, all his mind can register, is how close your lips are to his. and you notice his eyes fixating on your lips and your breath hitches. seokjin starts leaning in, his breath hitting your face in a warm wave and you stiffen in pure anticipation of what would come.

but then he shakes his head, leaning back with an uneasy chuckle.

“not now, not like this” you raise your eyebrows as you try to snap out of your own daze. “what do you mean?” you mumble, not doing a good job at hiding your disappointment and he panics, because the last thing he wants is for you to misunderstand him pulling back. “don’t get me wrong, trust me when i say i want to do nothing more than to kiss this night away with you but i want to do it right, i want to do it when both of us can’t think of anything else” as he utters those words, your heart pauses.

then beats.

then pauses again.

before beating louder than any rock music on the planet.

were you always capable of feeling this way?

“then, can i do something?” instead of answering you, he turns you back so you were chest to chest now. “you can do anything you want with me” he whispers back his answer with a dopey grin on his face and your chest tightens in the best way possible as you reach up to leave a light kiss on his cheek.

you are more than pleased to see his face turn red as he tries to hide his blushing face in your shoulders. “can we please get out of here? if you don’t have anything planned, i want to show you so much” he mumbles onto your shoulder and you don’t think twice before nodding.

it wasn’t your smartest moment, you were going to admit to that, jetting off with a stranger in a foreign country in the middle of the night, is never the smart choice but you also couldn’t let this night end here.

you wait at the entrance of the pub with flickering lights, pulling your shawl closer to your body after you waved your friends’ goodbye, needless to say, they were surprised by your impulsive decision but after making sure you had a way to reach them if things went south, they left with giggles about how berlin’s air changed you.

“why are you even going with him?” they had asked and were pleasantly surprised when you replied with “i don’t know” and a happy shrug, you were free of any riddling anxiety in your body at that moment. and your friends were glad to see it.

“should we?” seokjin walks out and your jaw drops because of how different he looked with just an outfit change. his loose, dark-colored t-shirt, torn jeans and chains replaced with a well-fitting cream-colored shirt tucked into beige pants and a blazer thrown over his arm. even his hair looked different, now neatly styled and tucked back.

“too much of a contrast, isn’t it? unfortunately, this is how i usually dress, pretty bland colors and all.” he laughs as he sees your face and you immediately shake your head, “it’s fine, it’s nice” it’s very nice and i might be drooling a little, might have been the more accurate response there. he stares at you for a few seconds, doing his best to hide the smirk growing on his face.

eventually, he shakes his head with a huge grin, reaching out to take your hand in his, he was no longer hesitant because if seokjin went by the way you looked at him, you wanted him just as much as he did.

your room wasn’t the best, it restricted your view of the prettiest city you’ve had the pleasure of knowing but you didn’t want to waste money on a room you were barely going to spend time in. falling on the bed, your mind goes back to seokjin, as if it ever stopped thinking of him. your smile grew and grew as you recounted everything that happened the night you met him, you can’t believe it was actually you who took off with a stranger.

but it was the best decision you made in your life.

not much has changed now though, you are still extremely strict with your plans and time but you allow yourself to let go when it feels right. you were grateful that you still had that strong work ethic in you because that rewarded itself in the form of a promotion you have waited forever for.

you get up to look out the window, your eyes set on the same pub that let you fall in love all those years and you immediately run to the bathroom to start getting ready.

you couldn’t wait any longer to see him and for someone who hated waiting the most, he truly put you up to the ultimate test.

your hand unconsciously reaches to the chain hanging off your neck, you just hoped he thought of you just as much.

~2019~

“so, why do you perform? you never ended up telling me” you pause from the breathless laughter you both have been tumbling in since you sat down near a stall owned by jin’s friend. ‘they have the best bingsu i’ve had in my life’ is what he said after learning that you enjoy sweet things.

“i told you, lovely voice and all” he quirked an eyebrow and you fight the grin on your face as you tried to glare at him. “okay okay, i’ll tell you” he gives in, moving closer to you on the long bench as the cold wind kept hitting both your faces.

you also moved closer, adjusting his jacket on your shoulder and seokjin fought the urge to hold you even closer, he didn’t like even the tiny bit of space left between you two.

“it’s not my actual job, performing at the pub. i am actually an accounting manager, but i was sent by the company to berlin, and they are based in seoul, which is also where i grew up.” he explains and it took you by surprise that this isn’t what he did for a living, he really looked like he was made to be on the stage. “i came here around 4 years ago, so not too long ago but long enough to know where the best food is, where the pretty places are, where the vodka is cheapest” he trails off with a teasing smile to you, and you giggle in response.

“i am holding onto you for the cheap vodka thing, you need to take me there” you say, tilting your head at him with a huge grin on your face and seokjin’s entire face softens at your smile. “consider it done.” and he doesn’t know what prompts him but he leans over to brush his nose with yours and you don’t back away, and instead nuzzle into his touch.

this was nice, this was way too nice.

then he continued, “when i came here, i didn’t know anyone, i was too shy to talk to people at work and i felt extremely homesick, the only thing that kept me sane then was cooking myself korean food from time to time. i was working like a machine, with no real motive or passion for anything, just a repeated cycle. but then, i met these guys, and somehow, ended up in a band with them. we perform only on some days, whenever all of us are free and i didn’t even know i would be happy singing in front of people, but i am, unbelievably so.” his voice was sad when he was talking about home but as soon as mentioned his friends, his voice became louder, more filled with pride and you didn’t need him to tell you that he thought the world of these friends.

he looked over at you and your eyes were slightly glazed over because you can’t imagine missing home, you can’t imagine not knowing anyone in a huge city like this, you would simply not be able to go through with something similar to what seokjin did, and your admiration grew with every word he spoke.

seokjin, on the other hand, can’t remember a time when he opened up so easily and deeply to someone.

“i am glad you performed today” you say, with warm cheeks and not really looking at him. one side of his mouth lifts up at your words, and he nods, “i am glad i did too.”

“so, what do you do? what unwillingly gets you out of bed every day?” he throws the question to you and you sit up straight, the thought of your work immediately alerting your senses.

“i am working at a start-up, we are trying to make a platform for people of color to express themselves on various attributes like their workplace and the micro-aggressions they face there, or their family’s immigration, how it feels to have to live in a place where the language and culture aren’t yours and how they deal with it. the idea is to express all this through different media outlets like videos, or a series of articles, or artwork.” you explain and seokjin sits in wonder at how smart you are, he expected you to be doing something like that, he didn’t know why but he just had a feeling that someone like you was just brimming with ideas.

but he does notice that your eyes don’t light up like his when he talks about performing.

“but you don’t like it?” you nod and then pause before shaking your head at this.

“the objective is great, the whole reason i joined was because i didn’t want people who looked like me, who sounded like me, to feel alone. i wanted to give them a safe place, a voice, something that was only theirs, something i wish i had when i started out.” you bite your lip because talking about your job makes you sad.

“i want to do so much but you know who’s the head managing all of these activities? a white person, a white person with privilege. he’s never had to fight for his voice. he’s straight, he’s white, he plays golf on the weekends, he has kids comfortably going to private schools and he has a trophy wife. he doesn’t understand these stories, he throws every single one that comes our way and refuses to hear out the already silenced people, always asking for something ‘spicy’ instead of the truth, he just wants a dramatic story to publicize. i just can’t stand working for someone like him, someone who refuses to see the entire reason for our establishment but i can’t give up now, not after i promised to myself that i will make it better for others.”

seokjin hears the determination in your voice, he understands the frustration more than anyone else which is he remains in thoughtful silence before he notices something else in your eyes.

a burning passion to destroy whomever this man was.

“you’re going to do something about him, aren’t you?” he smirks at you and your angry glare melts. “i am going to work till i’m seating in his chair and making decisions that he should be making right now, i’m going to make sure that whatever i do, it will be meaningful. i’m getting that promotion someday” seokjin feels his heart burst with pride, he might not know you all that well, but he knows how much this means to you and that you will do it.

“when you do it, you come and tell me all about it, yeah?” he bumps his shoulder with yours playfully.

it’s the way he says it, like he believes you will do it somehow and that fills you with renewed hope for your future.

“deal.” you whisper, bumping him back. you both sit like that, the night feeling longer than it was supposed to be, but you were all the more grateful for it. then, seokjin gets up, dusting his pants off before extending his hand towards you, and it’s instinct to put your hand in his now.

“come on, i want to show you so much more” and then you’re being dragged away to the next place jin wants to take you to.

that’s how you spend the night, hand in his, and exploring every small corner of berlin that they don’t mention in travel packages, you saw berlin through seokjin’s eyes, and those few hours of drifting away with the cold wind, filled your heart with a feather-like feeling, a feeling of being able to float into the sky if it weren’t for seokjin’s hand anchoring you to the ground.

there wasn’t anywhere or anyone else you wanted to spend that time with.

“you should go now” you whisper with your forehead against his, right outside your hotel, not really wanting to leave or him to leave. it was getting late or early to be more precise; the sun was threatening to peek through, the sky being filled with the faintest shades of orange and blue as you and seokjin stood under, hands refusing to leave the other.

“is that why you’re squeezing the life out of my hands right now?” your giggles escape into the space between you two, “but seriously, it’s too late already.” even as you say it, you don’t move an inch and he doesn’t either.

“i’m going to sound crazy” he starts and your ears perk up immediately, “come to my home, i promise i make a mean hot pot, we can do whatever you want to do.” it should scare you, a stranger inviting you to their home, should definitely trigger some fight or flight response in you, but you don’t feel any of your usual anxiousness, you just feel him and the strong urge to follow wherever he goes.

“i understand if you don’t feel comfortable, i totally get it so don’t feel obliged, but if you do agree, i’ve got a gift for you.” one of seokjin’s eyebrows draws up at the last words, and your curiosity bursts through you, any lingering hesitance immediately left your body.

“my answer” you trail off, stepping back, seokjin’s hands fall away from yours and he thinks this is where your magical night ends, this is the night he will spend weeks daydreaming about, the night that will keep him up forever.

he will spend many days just weaving through the possibilities of what you could be, of what you could’ve been.

you keep him waiting, dwelling in the satisfaction that his nervous face brought.

“depends on your gift.” you give him a coy smile and he lets out an airy laugh, “you had me really scared there, for a second.” he shakes his head at you and you fight your smile from growing bigger, “i know.”

and before you say something else to drop his heart to his ass, seokjin pulls out a chunky, tourist necklace with a laugh threatening to break from his throat. the necklace has a huge locket, with the words ‘berlin’ sprawled on it in vivd, neon colors.

it looks ugly.

he knows it looks ugly.

“i think i’ll just head inside” you playfully turn around on your heel and attempt to walk away, you count down the seconds it takes him to put you back in his arms.

one.

two.

three.

he lasted three seconds.

a record for the night truly.

seokjin’s arms immediately pulled you back to him and as you pretended to struggle against his grip, the ugly necklace was already resting on your clavicle.

“you really thought this would convince me to come home with you?” your hands pull on the necklace as seokjin bows over in laughter, “oh come on, it’s not that bad” he stands straight, clearing his throat, his face fighting to stay passive.

you give him an unimpressed look and that’s enough for him to burst into wheezes of laughter again.

and you love it, you love how freely seokjin laughs.

you want to hear it forever.

you stand there with your arms crossed against your chest, a fond smile etched on your face as you watch the man of your night, start to calm down. and he does, in the dramatic fashion you expect him to, fanning his face to force air onto his red cheeks as his eyes wrinkle with pure joy.

“if you’re done, can we go back to yours already?” you tap your foot impatiently, shying away from the fact that you just agreed to spend even more time with him. seokjin’s heart grows wings as his eyes drift over your soft smile, your tired but happy eyes, and then, the big, ugly necklace that rests on your body now.

“i knew you would like it.”

“you have a cute home” you look at the photos hanging off his walls, all of them with either his family or the boys from the band. a fond smile grew on your face as you come across a photo with a very young jin holding a fishing rod. “you fish?” you turn around to see him setting up wine glasses on the counter.

“i used to” he sighed, coming around to give you a glass, for which you thank him silently, “why, no fish in berlin?” you tease him as you take a sip, he remains silent. your mood slips when he doesn’t smile at you as he has been all night.

“i’m sorry if i overstepped” you quickly apologize, not meaning to bring up anything that wasn’t comfortable for him, he shakes his head in response, “no no, god no. don’t say sorry, i just haven’t didn’t feel like fishing anywhere except home” he stares at the picture where he holds the fish with both longing and resignation.

“you miss seoul?”

“always.”

“i can’t imagine missing home” you gulp as you imagine how you would be if you moved places, you wouldn’t survive without your comfort zone. “it’s not all bad.” seokjin smiles reassuringly but you aren’t convinced.

“you just said you miss home always.”

“i do but if i went back home, i would miss this too. imagine if i never left seoul, i would have never joined a band, i would have never put my lovely voice to use,” you scoff as he holds back a laugh, “i would have never known where you can find the cheapest alcohol in berlin, nor would i have ever bought some ugly necklace for a pretty woman.” you look away at the last part, hiding your burning cheeks away by staring out the window, “you buy a lot of women necklaces?”

“only the one, actually.” he steps in front of you with a smirk playing on his lips.

“my, she must be lucky” your voice drips with sarcasm as you raise the ugly necklace to his face, “i would insist i am the lucky one” his eyes are light as seokjin hums and traces the shape of the necklace which falls back on your clavicle.

the lightest touch between his fingers and your skin makes you suck in a breath.

as if a passing cloud suddenly rained down on you.

but you have been waiting for the droplets, you have been waiting for the thunder and storm.

you have been waiting for him to do something that leaves you breathless.

seokjin steps forward, grabs your wine glass, and places it on the counter.

“you know, i’ve met so many people over the years i joined the band,” he whispers his words and you quirk your eyebrow, “you’re not off to a great start, seokjin,”

he stifles a laugh behind his hand before clearing his throat and bringing his hands to rest on your jaw, “you are so impatient.” though it’s a trait of yours that you hate so very much, the way he says it with admiration instead of malice, makes your heart burn in your chest.

“you are making me wait too long” you whisper back, shivering under his fingers which traced your features carefully, intently as his eyes spark back with light-heartedness.

“i apologize for that” he sweeps a hand under your jaw and gently tugs your face towards his and your stomach flips into itself.

everything around you faded into oblivion.

but seokjin wandered and invaded every single one of your senses.

his lips were pillow-soft, as soft as you had imagined.

his soft breath warmed your cheeks.

his hair fell around your eyes and made it hard for you to see.

but you could see.

you could see all of him even with your eyes closed.

you could feel all of him especially with your eyes closed.

his hands that clutched your body like it was his oxygen.

his legs that couldn’t possibly step closer to you but still tried.

his shoulders that were strong under your hands.

how were you going to ever leave him behind?

“seokjin i-“ you let out helplessly, trying to tell him that this was only going to be this one night, that you would have to leave him here. he chooses to soothe his hands over your arms, easing your panic as quickly as it came, and gives you a soft kiss, parting away with a nod to let you continue.

that made it a thousand times harder to tell him.

there was no one way to do this.

“my flight is tomorrow.”

“what?”seokjin’s relaxed face twists as sadness settles behind his eyes. “it’s booked for the evening” you give the information with a wince. his grip on you falters as an uneasy smile break on his face, “i thought you were just at the beginning of your trip.”

you wish it was.

you wish so badly that it was.

he steps away from your space, you understand it’s his form of rejection. it feels like a burning sting running down your back and you hold back the tears that dangle on your lashes, you couldn’t bear this. this was the closest you had ever gotten to love in your entire life and it was crumbling in just some hours.

you didn’t want seokjin to be some distant memory.

you didn’t want to wake up and reminisce on what could have been.

“i don’t want this to end here” you say, voice quivering with vulnerability. you didn’t care if you will be rejected again, you didn’t care if he tells you to leave and your arms shifted to cover your stomach, a poor attempt at protecting yourself.

this was the first time you knew, for sure, something that you wanted and you weren’t going to cost yourself the pain that comes from not trying at all.

but seokjin’s silence was weakening your hope and you wanted to curl into yourself for ever believing that you could have a shot at love.

“i don’t want this to end either.”

his words sunk into you slowly and filled you with the warmth that dissipated from your body.

“are you sure?” you hated how weak you sounded.

seokjin tutted at you, stepping into your space to unfold your arms that held before you as defense and engulfed your hands in his.

“i would hate myself for a long time if i didn’t give us a try, it’s going to be hard but i have a good feeling about this. there’s so much more i want to know about you and there’s so much i want you to know about me, so this can’t end here.”

he breathes back life into you with the promise hidden in his words, that he’s going whichever way you are willing to as well.

“me too, i want more, way more than just this night.”

seokjin’s face fills with both relief and agreement, it reassures you that this wasn’t just you going crazy here, this wasn’t just you hanging onto whatever you could, this was both of you, unwilling to let your chance at love die tonight.

so, you spent all night, with each other, in each other, sharing every bit of yourself that you could in the time that you did.

but soon, the sun shone too bright and your eyes couldn’t stop filling up with tears.

you held your breath as you pushed the door open to seokjin’s studio, at least, you hoped this was the one. you had been to his old studios but they just moved into this one, so you had no idea what it looked like.

your palms were getting sweaty.

“y/n!” you heard hoseok, the vocalist and rapper from seokjin’s band chime from a corner and your entire body relaxes as you reach out for a hug. “seokjin hadn’t told us that you were coming, we would’ve cleaned up a bit” you both laughed together at the mess around your feet.

“this is kind of a surprise, so not his fault really.” you set aside the basket of baked goods you bought for them.

“thank you for this, we’ve all been out of it lately with the move and the new label so it’s nice to see you, i’m sure he will be ecstatic” hoseok hums as he digs through it.

“how’s the whole becoming a full-time band thing going?” you tried to distract yourself from the actual reason you were here, it was going to be a lot for seokjin to take at once.

“at the beginning, daunting as fuck, all of us were scared but we really didn’t have to worry so much, our gigs have been consistent and with this new baby, we can do so much more with our music.” you nodded, letting him rant to ease his mind and to also ease yours.

you were overjoyed when seokjin told you that they were becoming a legit band with a proper label, contract, and all the work. but hearing now how stressful it’s been, a tiny seed of worry plants itself in your mind that you were being selfish with this surprise.

but he will be happy, right?

like it’s all you two have talked about wanting. but that was before all the label stuff, before he had so much on his plate and your feet started tapping the ground incessantly as your worry continued to grow.

what if you guys break up over this?

what if he tells you that after all this time and effort, he didn’t want to be together anymore?

a jingle at the door made you jump as three figures started to huddle in.

you were out of time to worry anymore.

“just one more minute” you pleaded as your arms stayed tightly wrapped around seokjin’s torso, he let out a sad chuckle at that and granted your wish by letting you bury yourself in him. your friends stayed away to give you the privacy you needed for that minute.

this wasn’t fair.

your first shot at proper love couldn’t end this way, it wasn’t ending technically but still, you had no idea what would happen after this. all you knew for sure was that you had this one minute with him and everything after that, was left up to fate.

“i don’t think i can let you go” he whispers into your hair as he planted a soft kiss on your temple and your body shuddered with unshed tears threatening to cascade from your eyes.

“call everyday?” seokjin asks in a quiet tone, laced with the vulnerability that you braved when you told him that you wanted more. “everyday.” you nodded determinedly into his chest.

“visits whenever we can?” it was your turn to ask and seokjin nods just as determined as you, “whenever we can.”

“you won’t forget me” seokjin says with utter confidence, just to make you laugh, which you do with a full kind of happiness, “it’s kind of hard to” you point to the ugly necklace that you decided to keep on.

it was growing on you.

“we’ll find our way back to each other, okay? somewhere, the universe will and has to align for us and when it does, i will never leave you again.” your eyes, already swollen with the tears you’ve cried, grow wet again as you desperately force yourself to believe him.

it has to.

it absolutely has to.

it can’t just end here.

but as your hands leave him for the last time and your boarding ticket crumbles in your hold, you can’t help but feel that the future may not be as kind to you two as you hoped it would be.

meeting seokjin always felt brand new, in between the countless times you both flew to each other, touching his skin after waiting for a while, always took your breath away and managed to make you feel like the lightest cloud in the sky.

but as his arms engulfed you tightly, whispering words of surprise and amazement into your ears at seeing you after so long, your anxiety couldn’t be calmed, your hands couldn’t stop shaking and your breath refused to be even.

this was it, this was the day that would truly mark where you two would end up.

“i thought it was my turn to visit this time” he gleefully kissed your cheek and you nodded stiffly, “i just couldn’t wait” you replied, truthfully but your nerves were starting to give you a headache.

“are you okay? you look pale” seokjin’s eyes assessed you with concern as the back of his hand pressed into your forehead and you sighed.

you had to tell him, this could go badly but it could also go well and with that tiny hope, you tugged towards the exit with you and he followed you wordlessly.

through the years you have known seokjin now, you had fights, huge fights, arguments that you thought you couldn’t move past from, arguments that made you believe you were done. but every single time, you both found your way to each other.

and every single time, he gave you more reasons to stay and keep trying.

which is how you are here, in the city where you discovered love for the first time, throwing a stone into the blind for the future of your relationship and hoping it hits the right spot.

“so, what is on your mind?” he pulls you by your hand to wrap an arm around your body and you shiver with the same giddiness you felt all those years ago.

but you struggle to tell it to him.

no one talks about how scary it is to go a step forward in a relationship and just hope that they take the step too.

so, you don’t tell him. you slowly reach out for the promotion letter tucked away in your coat. you give it to him with shaking hands and with confused eyes, he looks at the paper that held both your futures.

you watch carefully as his eyes go wide and the largest grin grows on his face.

“you got it! you fucking did it, i knew you could but oh my god” seokjin gushes and smothers your face with kisses and you can’t help but giggle. “you actually kicked him out the program, i’m so proud of you” he presses a long kiss on your head and your insides warm with the love he showered on you.

“wait, look at the piece i submitted.” you show him the page where you wrote the story of men in berlin who found their home in each other and in their music, how they missed home but built a new one in a city unknown to them.

“this is about us?” the amazement in his voice brings a smile to your face.

“i couldn’t think of a better person to write about, you are the story that people need to know about because you’ve found the heart to make a strange, new place, your new home.” seokjin’s eyes fill with unshed tears, “you wrote all this?” he chokes back a sob and you know he’s beyond happy with it, so you nod eagerly.

“there’s more” you whisper as you point to the very end of the paper.

the end, where it states, that the headquarters of your organization would permanently move to berlin.

seokjin stares at the text for one second without a word.

two seconds.

three seconds.

this was a mistake, you should’ve talked about this with h-

“is this real? does this mean what i think it does?” he whispers to you, voice filled with confusion and hardly contained joy. you nod at him and bite your lip in anticipation, waiting for him to let you down gently or jump in the air with you.

his response comes in the form of him throwing his entire body onto yours, holding you so tightly that you can hardly breathe but you’re okay being breathless, you hardly contain your shivers of happiness when he starts whispering how grateful he was to you, and how much he loved you.

“so, you’re okay with this?” you ask, unable to keep the question hanging in your head. he pulls back and looks at you with such adoration, that you feel dumb for even asking the question.

“are you kidding me? this is all we’ve ever wanted, everything i’ve dreamed of since we started with this. i get to see you everyday and i can’t think of a better thing in my life from now on.” he pushes a strand of your hair behind your ear with teary eyes and that’s all it takes for you to cry as well.

“this is good, very good, why are we crying?” you sob into his chest and he shakes his head, unable to give you an answer but holding you tighter against him.

it was hard to make the decision to move but your town didn’t feel right anymore, and there were so many stories to tell, so many days to spend with seokjin that you just couldn’t give up on, so when the offer to berlin came through, you took it right away with a giddy heart.

“this changes everything for us” he sighs out and you tense again, “in the best way possible, i can’t wait to make you sick of me” seokjin lets out a low laugh at your worried face before kissing all your frown lines separately.

and you let him, you let him continue to kiss your worries away.

you look around the city which will soon become your home, a feeling churns in your stomach but you know this time, that it wasn’t your anxiousness, it wasn’t because you had to go running somewhere else, it was because you finally found your person and your place.

that was enough to spark tears back in your eyes and this time, it’s all happiness, it’s all joy, it’s all the excitement that comes with getting to spend every day with the person you love, in the city, that helped you find love.

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the-wayside · 1 year ago

Text

I don't know if anyone else does this but like my brain plays fill in the gaps and I write whole scenes in my head for most things I watch which is why I have so much to say all the goddamn time.

Anyway, I happened to write down this one. It's a canon-ish compliant how we got from A to B to C of Phaya waking up and going to Tharn's and a bit after that.

the you who is everything. 2.6k. pg-13 for sexy adjacent if you know you know.

It’s Tharn who gets ushered out of his room far too quickly, shining brown eyes with unshed tears and a rough unshaven cheek under Phaya’s palm. It’s Tharn who speaks no words but Phaya can feel his anguish as distinctly as his own. It’s Tharn who lets it happen because Nee is inconsolable and Phaya hazily watches as Tharn moves back to let her come forward. He wants more than anything to speak, to call out for him again but his consciousness slips and his fingers slacken without the steadiness of Tharn to hold onto.

It’s Tharn who is Wansarut. His beloved. Wansarut is Tharn. Phaya feels the tight boundaries of memories that are and aren’t his own. They belong to Master Garuda. Still, they are embedded in his skin and he feels their free edge, pushing and expanding in his mind. He grasps onto not the new memories, but a simple one he knows is his and his alone, his hand cupping Tharn’s throat, asking him not to leave. He knows he has searched without looking, yearned without truly knowing. This person who appeared in his life too many times to be a coincidence. Not a coincidence, a gift. Another chance to defy the will of an immodest god. Phaya curls his fingers against his palm when his thoughts slip to Chalothon. The slayer of his love. It’s like another dream as the nurses hustle and bustle around him, taking his vitals and consoling his sister. He feels someone try to take his amulet and he slams his hand down on top of them both.

“No,” he croaks, barely eeking out a whisper. Not for his safety, but because they can’t take what he gave to Phaya. She. They. His mind swirls faster and the hand slips away as he catches the thong of leather between his thumb and index finger, to keep it tight in his grasp. Tharn’s soul is in this stone that he tucks under his hospital gown. They can’t have it. No one can.

“P’Phaya—” Nee calls out to him and he peels his eyes open with a force it has never taken him before. Time has passed or at least he thinks it has.

He mumbles incoherently and she looks concerned, Dao behind her, holding her arm and her back.

“Tharn,” he whispers with more acuity.

Nee looks back at Dao, “We sent him home.”

Phaya tries to understand why, his face crinkling up and Nee must see the stress on his face. The tear that slips from his eye isn’t entirely his own. He cries and wets Phaya’s face.

“We’ll call him back,” Nee says immediately, trying to calm Phaya down, unused to seeing her brother cry, Dao tries to slow her down as she moves quickly to grab her phone.

“P’Phaya,” Dao tries as tries to split her focus on talking to him and dealing with Nee.

He doesn’t have it in him to speak but he repeats himself, “Tharn.”

It’s all he wants. Now. Forever.

***

When he wakes up a third time, alone and after visiting hours, he feels more centered in his body. His eyes open easily and he feels stronger and more like himself. He gently peels the tape from his canula and slips the needle out, pressing his palm down to try and stem the blood flow. His blood is sluggish and it stops quickly, which he is grateful for. He knows that he’s in no fit state and no nurse or doctor is going to let him go willing, so he creeps, barefoot, to the door and peeks his head out. It’s a gentle clutter of activity that comes with the night shift. Easily sifted through. So, he makes his way down the corridor till he sees a room marked STAFF and he opens it with a hard yank down on the closed lock that breaks under even his lesser strength. He closes the door and what catches his eye is a chair just out of his periphery and on it are some men’s clothes. He walks slowly over and grabs hold of them, raising the jeans up, and he mentally fist pumps the air because they look like they’ll work. He peels off his gown, wincing with the movement before he goes into the ensuite bathroom he sees on the other side of the room and splashes water over his face and under his armpits. He’s pretty sure someone gave him a sponge bath, he hopes it was Tharn, but he feels slightly more human and brushes his teeth with toothpaste and his finger to at least get the taste of the lake out of his mouth.

He looks at himself in the mirror, paler than he’s ever been, life barely in his lips. He’s the same. He’s exactly the same but entirely different. His brows, the slope of his nose and his mouth are all him but for a moment when he looks at himself, he isn’t himself. He’s him. The weight of heavy wings tugging on his spine and the sharp bite of talons when he curls his fingers into his hands.

Sakuna.

Garuda.

Naga.

Tharn.

He’s all that matters. He’s out there, alone, he could be hurt at any moment and Phaya can’t get to him. It sets a wave of panic rising inside him. He shakes it off and stands to the best of his ability. The only way he’s getting out of here is if no one out there believes he’s supposed to be in here. He stares himself in the eye and sees nothing out of the ordinary. He grips that image tight and does his best to embody that vision as he walks back to the door to make his journey out of the hospital.

***

He cradles his ribs the entire car ride to Tharn’s apartment. Every dip and ridge in the road lances him with pain. He can feel sweat building on the back of his neck and he tips his head back and tries to breathe it out. 10 more minutes. 10 more minutes and then he can be sure Tharn is safe.

It all comes tumbling out in a rush. I’m sorry I didn’t recognize you sooner. You’re only mine. Phaya feels the words like a burning itch under his skin. Tharn is the water, the only water that can slake his thirst and he wouldn’t deny Phaya that would he? No. Not now. Maybe not ever. Walking back, Tharn barely gets enough space between them and mumbles about the door and Phaya hears him but he won’t give him up, won’t let him change his mind, won’t let him deny them this reconciliation. He raises a hand wildly and flicks his wrist and a gust of air like a flap of a wing swings the door closed.

“Tharn,” he whispers, rubbing his nose along his. Tharn looks up at him with those big brown eyes. It’s so hard because he sees him imposed on her. Her who is him. It hurts his head so he strokes his palms down Tharn’s shoulders, down to his slim hips. Tharn is who he is now. Tharn who fell in love with Phaya between kicking sand at base camp and running after bad guys. Tharn who never leaves Phaya’s side. Tharn who is alive and Phaya loves him so very much.

“Phaya,” Tharn calls out to him with concern, hands coming up to his face, thumbs rubbing at what might be dark circles. He doesn’t dare look a second time.

Tharn is Phaya’s. No matter what. No matter what came before or what comes after. In all the sanity, Tharn belongs to Phaya only.

He looks at him because he wants to memorize Tharn’s face, the curve of his cupid’s bow, the strong line of his jaw, thick brows and fluttering eyelashes.

“I need you,” he admits. He needs Tharn like he needs breathing. His entire being has been shifted and remade with a gaping hole in his chest and he feels like he’s been trying to fill it longer than anything else in existence.

Tharn nods like he’s agreeing. He’ll give Phaya this. He’ll let him take without asking questions and Phaya’s grateful because he doesn’t have the answers, only spun-up confusion.

Phaya walks him back, fingers sliding to grasp Tharn’s shirt so that when they’re in his room, softly lit and twinkling, he can pull it off and dive back to that mouth.

Has it only been days since they last did this? Tharn’s beautiful golden skin barely lit as he lays back pulls Phaya in like a moth to a flame, erratic wings beating like the thrum of his heart. Phaya climbs over him to kiss him and Tharn immediately opens up, meeting him kiss for kiss, their mouths sliding against each other in wordless communication. I want you; have me.

Phaya takes his time blushing and bruising Tharn’s skin, littering his skin with marks that don’t penetrate further than the surface but they please that buzz inside his brain that says, people can see. His soul and mine are one. It’s the truest thing he knows as his fingers slide down Tharn’s throat and Tharn grabs his hand and presses a kiss to his knuckles.

His heart squeezes in his chest at the gesture and he skates his lips, tongue teasing until he reaches Tharn’s scar from the knife that almost took him from Phaya. He had previously skirted past it, careful in case it still gave Tharn pain but he tilts his head back, encouraging Phaya to keep up his tending to his body, so he kisses it once, twice, acknowledging its existence but also the truth that it didn't take what Phaya holds so dear to him.

It’s awkward when he tries to take Tharn’s pants off with one hand, kissing back up his chest to his mouth that is leaking breathy whimpers that Phaya wants to swallow down inside himself and keep them there with everything else he knows about Tharn. I did that, I give him that pleasure.

Tharn understands where he’s trying to go and he tips his head back up and focuses on unzipping his pants and shimmying them down his hips and around his thighs. Phaya leans off him enough to help him push them down off his knees and into a heap on the floor. He looks back up at Tharn who pulls on his bicep and tugs him back up to kiss him again, bolder than before and he slides his hand into Phaya’s hair, trapping him as he pulls him to lay across his naked body. There’s little more that he can do but whine as Tharn licks and sucks on his neck, giving him a hickey of his own. When he finally surfaces, leaning back against the bed, he’s smug and Phaya loves him all over again.

There are dark smudges under Tharn’s eyes and it worries Phaya, so he leans over and when Tharn closes his eyes, Phaya kisses his eyelid gently, the tip of his nose, and then his mouth.

“I missed you,” he says quietly and Tharn’s grip on him tightens.

There are a ton of questions that start circulating in his head, some his own, some pushing back from those now opened recesses but Phaya keeps his focus still locked on Tharn, the silence in the eye of the storm.

Phaya slinks down as best he can until he’s knees on the floor, sitting on his ankles, and there’s some apprehension in Tharn but Phaya calms it with soft strokes on his thigh. He won’t do it if Tharn doesn’t want him to. He kisses the thin skin on the inside of his knee, just above that, sucking on the skin and letting it go with a wet pop. He gets a perfect visual of Tharn’s whole body twitching like it’s on one thread from his head down to his toes, connected only to Phaya’s mouth.

“Tharn?” He asks, kissing a little further up but still in a safer zone.

Tharn licks his lips and nods, “Yeah?”

It’s still a question so Phaya kisses his mid-inner thigh nose rubbing before he bites, Tharn jumping with the unexpectedness of it, “Yeah?”

“Yes.”

Sure, definitive, the go Phaya needs. He sits off his ankles and back properly onto his knees as he pushes Tharn’s leg and kisses the inner crease of his thigh and he jolts again, hooked like a fish on a line. Phaya pays extra attention to it, licking it flatly, tasting the deeper texture of his skin where it is saltier and warmer. Tharn’s fingers wind back into his hair, scratching his scalp gently and sending little tingles down Phaya’s nerves. He retaliates by scraping his teeth on Tharn’s hipbone. Phaya can feel his own blood in his veins, singing eternally about this, about Tharn, about them. It hits deeper in his bones than any fight or battle.

He's supposed to be here with his hands on Tharn’s skin, loving and worshipping all that he’s been given. He is dear to me. My affection is pure.

Tharn gasps and it’s a melody he wants to listen to in this life and all his lives. Phaya swallows and Tharn cries out, fingers spasming in his hair. This is all he needs. Only mine, always. Phaya tucks his arm around Tharn’s thigh to hold him tighter and down and catches in his eyeline as he curls up on himself, thrashing as Phaya draws out and pushes bliss through his body.

“Phaya.” Benediction.

More, Phaya thinks, more of me until there’s nothing else. Until you’re safe from harm’s way.

Tharn tries pushing at him but Phaya is heavier regardless of his state. Without any leverage he has to accept everything Phaya gives him, palm moving to be splayed on his belly to stop him from writhing away again.

“Phaya, please, come o—” Tharn’s words stop but his body trembles, his skin getting hotter and hotter.

Phaya stays with him until all of it eases, his thighs previously corded with tension, slacken away from Phaya’s shoulders.

Phaya strokes his palm over the wet sheen on Tharn’s stomach, comforting him as everything ebbs. Tharn throws an arm over his eyes and breathes out harshly. Phaya eases him down and drags himself up to flop next to him on the bed.

“You—” Tharn accuses from his shielded view.

Phaya kisses his chest, “Mmm, I did.”

That gets Tharn to pull away his arm, and let it drop over his head as he frowns at Phaya with the incredulity of it. Phaya grins at him self-assuredly, “I did, didn’t I?”

That arm slaps his weak chest, “Evil jellyfish!”

Phaya bursts out laughing and Tharn stops, mouth clearly working faster than his brain.

“You’re ridiculous,” Tharn settles for. Phaya can’t tell if he’s embarrassed or not but he takes it as a win when Tharn doesn’t deny him snuggling up closer to his side. There’s a cursory glance downward from Tharn and Phaya shakes his head. It wasn’t what he came for.

“But I’m yours,” Phaya tells him. Tharn doesn’t argue and opens the space by his side so that Phaya can lay his head on Tharn’s chest and listen to the thud-thud of his heart.

Phaya reaches for those same boundaries that felt so prominent in his consciousness earlier in the evening but they have receded, further into the dim back edges of his awareness.

He laments what happened to Wansarut. He feels that distant ache of her passing, the screaming need to save her, and the unflinching sorrow when he couldn’t. He feels her as he feels the walls inside himself but she isn’t everything. Tharn, here and now, feels like everything.

I’m sorry I couldn’t save you, but I promise I will save him.

#way writes #the sign the series #dis bish at it again #it's queue #fic

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itsohh · 2 years ago

Text

The Other Man's Ring

A/N: Female reader, looking at doing a couple of like linked oneshots sorta situation cause I like writing specific scenes but not an enitre story to go with it

Summary: When Simon finds a hidden-away engagement ring he decides the pair of you need to talk.

Word count: 1420

Warnings: None

AO3 Masterlist Series Masterlist

He was normally relatively quiet. Prefering to watch and listen rather than to talk. At least that's how he was most of the time on base. In the field, he was one to take charge when needed and typically when he was alone with you, willing to speak up in comfort. Yet his current silence worried you. Sure sometimes he was just silent around your house but it was the fact that the pair of you had been in the middle of a conversation that concerned you.

"Simon?" You put the final dish from the dishwasher away and closed it. You wiped away any access water and poked your head around the corner. "Simon?" Again you called with no response. The short walk to your bedroom- now shared bedroom- seemed to take forever until you finally rounded the corner into the open door. "Simon, did you find my spare phone… charger?" Your voice trailed off as he stared at the small item in his hands. Your brows shot up at the sight of it, you didn't realize you still had that there.

"Are you married?" His voice was without emotion and at first, you thought to be offended, that you would ever cheat, but you bit back the knee-jerk reaction. An engagement ring was hidden away… you could see how his mind would run of all possibilities.

"Almost." You shuffled into the room and sat down on the large bed. It dipped under your weight and soon Simon followed your lead. It was a decent size rock. Diamond. Most likely cost a small fortune. "Long ago, maybe a year or two before I met you. I was in love." You glanced up to meet your lover's eyes for a second before your eyes fell back down to the ring that twirled in his fingers.

"I was young, well younger than I am now. He was great. Funny, charming, pretty and had one of those American accents that I loved to make fun of. Admittedly not terrible in bed either. Well, that's before my standard was raised." The pair of you lowly chuckled at that last part together.

"Even though we were both in the military, we kept our work completely out of our lives together. Hell, I still don't know what military he works for. It worked and we were in love. I worshipped the ground he stood on, crazy for him. He in turn took care of me, a doting boyfriend who eventually became my fiancé. The classic story."

"I presume things didn't work out?"

"Well after we got engaged we talked more and more about how we wanted our lives to be after we got married. We both soon discovered that we had rather different plans. I wanted to pretty much stay the same, maybe have a house together. But Phil? He wanted to protect me. Wanted me to leave the military. There wasn't any pressure for kids or anything." A sigh left your mouth. "Insistent on the matter. Sure, he wanted to keep me safe, but safe doesn't keep me happy. Eventually, after all the arguing I broke it off. Honestly, it wasn't really messy or anything. We just… moved on with our lives."

"He let you keep the ring?"

"I think both of us forgot about that one."

"That one?" He cocked a brow at you.

"Well, this is the ring he asked me to marry him with. I never wore it unless it was around the house. I don't know if you noticed but it's super unpractical." Simon tilted his head to the side in agreement, it was a bulky rock. "Eventually, he gave me another engagement ring. This time with the diamonds embedded into the band so I could wear it under my cloves at work." Your shoulders dropped for a moment. "Would have just preferred a blank ring, never cared for gems but Phil was Phil. He liked spending money on me." Simon passed the ring to you and you started to fiddle with it in your hands.

"I remember when I gave the ring back to him he didn't want to take it. I think there was a part of him that secretly wished we would get back together. Maybe he didn't forget about this ring. I don't know. Sometimes I felt like didn't know the man at all. Ultimately I saw what he wanted to see."

"Do you feel the same?" Simon's eyes cast over your face as you gave him a slight look of confusion. "About me." He clarified.

"Mmm." You dropped the ring on your bed and ran a finger over his hand. "At least I can see when you're wearing a mask." The home had the corner of his lip curl up while you traced the veins on his hand. "It's different, sure there are things that you keep from me. Both personal and work-related, you have your secrets and I probably won't know every part of you. But I don't feel like any part of you is a lie. Perhaps an act when you get all grumpy with the recruits…" Your eyes flashed up to meet his and your face spread into a teasing smirk before you continued. "But never a lie. When it comes to who you are as a person. I know you." Voice soft, you let go of his hand and placed it on his clothed chest. Right where his heart was.

Simon's eyebrows had narrowed but it didn't discourage you in any matter. "I could be wrong of course. You could be a secret mastermind behind everything. Plotting my demise." Simon leaned back on the bed and picked the ring up before he placed it on your side table. The same side table that he had found said ring in.

"And if I was? Would you regret it?"

"My demise by your hand? What a way to go. Have I told you I love your hands?" You winked and he rolled his eyes at you. A hand of his snaked around your waist and promptly pulled you close. Half in his lap you cuddled up to his chest your laughter shaking into his body.

"You have. Several times in fact." He made sure to press a little firmer into your skin to enthesis his touch. His touch ran up and down your forearm. The light touch of his lips made contact with the top of your head for a second before he sat back again.

"What would you like to happen if we ever got married?" Simon's voice was a hum, his focus seemed to be on your body but his mind was one hundred per cent on whatever your answer was to be.

"Us? Married? Hmm. I didn't think you were the type to want to get married." Your voice was a tease, not completely serious but he could hear the question wrapped up in your statement.

"Only to you."

"Charmer." You rolled your eyes, a grin on your face that you couldn't contain. "Honestly, if we were to get married. I think I would like things to just stay the same that they are."

"How so?"

"Well, we have no reason to move out of our houses. You live in England and I live here. We just carry on what we usually do and just take turns on where we live. I can't see how it would affect work any more than it currently does." Your head turned up to look at his warm eyes. "What about you?"

"I think we are on the same page with this one."

"Oooh wait there's one thing I would change."

"Oh yeah? What's that?"

"I think Sergeant Riley sounds pretty charming." His brow raised which caused you to let out a small giggle. "Or perhaps Dr Riley or even Mrs Riley if we are really striping it back."

"You want to take my name?"

"Why not? Man, it's going to make it soooo annoying and confusing when we are deployed together."

"You just want to stir chaos." Simon's voice had a slightly deeper undertone to it, signalling his disapproval.

"Ah come on sweetie, it's not like anyone uses your name in the field anyway. I'll be Riley and you'll be Ghost."

"And if Johnny starts calling you Mrs Ghost?" Simon's question had you pause and physically cringe at the thought.

"Johns not gonna have a tongue for very long if he keeps that up."

"Even mute he'll never shut up."

"I can believe that."

#cod #cod x reader #ghost x reader #mw2 x reader #simon riley #call of duty

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mercury2venus · 7 hours ago

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“Sometimes I hold you closer just to know you’re real.”—

Just something I wrote at random. I love Louis fine self so much.

I was selfish with Louis. As he was with me. But we truly couldn’t help it. I indulged in him as if he was my favorite chocolate during the holidays. From simple glances to throes of passion his form was committed to my memory.

“ we have to leave the bed at some point darling.”

He whispered in my ear. Our essence tangled within the sheets, I cuddled to him closer “ no we don’t, we can stay here forever.”

Louis laughed deeply. His smile always touched his eyes. “ yea we can but I have business to take care of sugar, and that little one inside of you is going to be needing food soon. Now let’s get up so I can feed my girls.” He gently smiled.

How are you so sure it’s a girl ? I asked with a giggle

“Saw it in my dream. A little baby girl sat on my lap and called me papa.” He said sweetly

Well if it is a girl what we naming her ?

“Claudia, we’ll name her Claudia.” He responded

I smiled. I like that name.

There are things I have yet to know about Louis De pointe Du lac. He’s given me bits and pieces of himself and slowly I’ve been able to put together the puzzle. It’s been quite a journey.

“You gonna be gone long Lou? “. I needed to know if his business would have him out all night again.

“I’ll be home in just 2 hours Cleo. Don’t worry about me. “

“I can’t help but to worry” I mumbled

“It’s not good for the baby, I’ll be back sooner than you think.”

After making a quick meal, Louis gave me and my tummy a kiss before embedding himself into the darkness once more.

That night i heard Louis stumble in. I kept my eyes shut tight. Whatever demons he’d been fighting I pray they do not find their way to my doorstep. Louis had trouble in the past, he was honest about that, but it didn’t ease my nerves when he came waltzing in here after midnight.

“ Cleo ? You awake baby “ his thick New Orleans accent rang through the quiet room.

“Yea I am.” My voice was small, I wasn’t afraid of Louis but there was a shift in the air and that unnerved me.

“ Cleo baby girl we’re going way for a bit, i don’t have much time to explain. I’m packing our things just please get dressed.” His voice was frantic.

I didn’t ask questions. Because I knew Lou. He didn’t fear anything. Not even death itself. So whatever spooked him, was serious. I scrambled out of bed and began to throw on anything. After getting dressed we walked out of our home.

I seen 2 figures waiting for us. As I got closer I seen one blonde white man and the other of Indian descent. Their eyes travelled to Louis and I felt my legs want to give out. They looked at my Louis the way I did, and when their eyes reached me ?

Well, death seemed easier. I could just feel the earth begin to swallow me whole and—

“Cut that shit out Lestat. Don’t you dare invade her mind.” Louis spat

A smirk played on the blondes lips. “ of course “

We entered the car, as we pulled off lestat decided to make small talk

“ so any baby names” I didn’t miss the venom in his tone as if I was beneath him. Like I wasn’t worthy

“ Claudia. Right Lou ? “

I felt Louis hold me tighter. He kissed my temple and smiled.

“ yea, Claudia”

The car grew silent.

The tension began to choke me

I’d follow Louis anywhere but for the first time, in his arms was the last place I wanted to be. “ please dont say that.” louis whispered.

“Hmph. Well I am Lestat the man next to me is Armand we are old friends of your boyfriend. “

“Husband. We’re married.” I corrected him

We came to an abrupt stop.

“ Lestat keep driving. Please. “ mumbled Armand

I watched the blonde man rush out the car, to stand on the side of the road. Suddenly he doubled over and vomited.

“Dramatic.” Armand muttered.

“Is he okay” I asked with concern. Armand looked back to me then Louis then rolled his eyes

“Ask your husband.” Louis sat back with his eyes closed.

“ just sit back cleo and take a nap. You and the baby need rest.” My mind whispered.

I felt myself lean back and drift off.

OMNISCIENT POV

Armand watched Louis through the mirror.

“ don’t say anything to me” Louis spoke,

“You love her I can see that.” Armand responded curtly.

“Yea. Yea I do.” Louis ran a hand down his face.

“Be honest with her “

“I’m trying”

“She’s in a car with 3 of the undead. You’re not trying hard enough”

Please lay off this. Louis spoke into his old lover’s mind

Lestat entered the car eyes red and voice gravely.

“This was a mistake. But it is too late I suppose.” He took a pause. “Is she aware of what grows inside of her? “

“It’s a regular human child”. Louis responded wearily.

“Oh ! So that’s why we’re taking a road-trip, you’re afraid.” Lestat shook his head and focused back on the road.

Louis looked to Cleo eyes brimming with tears.

“I am. He whispered. I’ve never been more afraid.”

#louis de pointe du lac x black reader #louis de pointe du lac #interview with the vampire #amc interview with the vampire #amc iwtv #armand iwtv #lestat de lioncourt #Louis de pointe du lac x black oc #jacob anderson

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siremasterlawrence · 10 months ago

Text

BHAFTA Part 1

British Hypnosis Academy Of Television and Film Arts has a feverish premiere week after a strange young man infiltrated the grand ole academy for the longterm and so many changes have happened. The school has been rebranded with a new lifestyle training Academy I have a new type of training to install in the students and my plan has to get going to be unfurled out of controlled.I made a list of British actors who came to my aid after the announcement saying it’s good for change and I approached many of them starting with the former man of mystery James Bond.

The red carpet rolls out ultra plush towards The Academy who will relaunch a million careers and spring forth a thousand more with a simple trigger word everyone who signs this contract will be at my mercy to mold. Daniel Craig’s limo parks as the door swings open revealing the man of martini shaken not stirred, he takes a step forward hand ready to shake mine as I grab it shaking it fiercely with one hand and offering out my other hand.A contract with a quilt pen laying on it in a magical fashion he picks up and beginning to sign a contract without reading it at all in excitement because he felt utter compelled to do so because he felt so deeply in need of him.The crowd electrically erupting in a baffle of excitement roars up in to the air streaking from wall to wall with screams hitting brand new heights and hitting new ridiculous levels as his mind is shook to the core as we shook firmly. The fiery minute we touch hands as we set something so embedded inside of him it is lit much like a match stick with a forest fire metastasizing throughout his body and without any bit of effort he succumbs.The light in his pupils erasing from existence fading into the anonymity of time and space forever into the void and eventually he left totally empty devoid of anything except for all that I command. Taking control leading him to the side of The BHAFTA Academy as we snuck into the true massively gigantic building in the Great City of London and we enter the side doors avoid every fan and photographer pinning him in to the wall. Pressing my body on the wall we go skin to skin matching every inch and crevice before we kiss a little leading to a longterm make our season because we fell deeply in love for each other. I place his back on to the wall putting in a few codes as he stares at me mindlessly swallowing his body in to the wall as he spun to the side and the walls open up as he drops down a slide.

“OI Mate! You super seeded to the head of the academy.” Tom Hardy calls to me.

“Can I help you Tom?”

“I am interested “

“Would you like to have a conversation?”

“Bloody yeah!”

“Wait for me in that small inclosure “

“Yes sure “

“Don’t interrupt us”

“Yes sir”

“Please pitch “

“I am Tom Hardy and I think I could be that spokesperson.”

“Well Daniel Craig is interested “

“Against me? I don’t think so”

“Cocky huh?”

“What if I am?”

“No! You are not !”

“Excuse me!”

“You are insecure “

“Now listen here”

“Or what punk?”

“What’s going on?”

“The door is closing”

“The lights are flickering off”

“Ssshhhh!”

“Don’t shush me”

“Zip it Hardy”

“Focus on your life “

“It flashes back and forth “

“Enter my school”

“You are hired “

“Tom Ellis”

“Where is Hardy?”

“He’s busy “

“My new spokesperson “

“That was insanely quick”

“Bloody hell!”

“Cheeky”

“Am I?”

“So unfair “

“Why?”

“Did you want it?”

“Maybe possibly “

“Well I have to go”

“No! STOP!”

“Baby please “

“Fuck me!”

“Excuse me”

“Let me prove it “

“Are you stripping?”

“Now you are naked “

“Oh My!”

“Say it”

“Goodness “

“Oh come on!”

“What?”

“Swear it!”

“Hmmm”

“Fuck”

“Much better “

“Worship me”

Andrew Garfield is the next to approaches me in a heat of lust, love and desire to begin following me to the balcony and shutting the door after he enters. He smirks at me with this red fiery rage inside of him calling to me

he stood so tall in the brush of the moon light of white decadence. I lay my right hand

on him wrapping the other over his shoulder as we dance to the silvery moon tapping his shoulders tightly and we kiss a few more moments.

“Woah! Hey! How are you doing this?”

“Making me swoon over you “

“Swoon over me?”

“Yeah babe”

“I don’t know you “

“My movies “

“I’ve seen some”

“And?”

“I loved them”

“Hell yes!”

“You are so sweet”

“Let me lift you up “

“Swoop you off of your feet”

“Hug you tight “

“Kiss you sweetly “

“Be your man”

“Take my hand “

“Love you “

“Will you serve me Andrew?”

“With my all”

“I give you my body “

“What a specimen”

“My mind”

“So easy to mind alter “

“Your life “

“Wonderful to sculpt “

“Whatever you wish!”

“Strip me please “

“I am all”

“Yes Master”

“Hey Tom! Say Cheese!”

The end

#daniel craig #tom hardy #tom ellis #andrew garfield #tom holland #the royal family #red carpet #celebrity slaves #hypnosis #mind control #reprogramming #hypno slave #photography

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dustypagesblog · 7 months ago

Text

Solivagant

My mind keeps running back to it, no matter how much I distract myself, the thought never leaves me alone, like it's embedded in my brain, isolating itself pushing away any rational thoughts that try to erase it. Centralizing thoughts was never my thing but never once did an idea dawn me to this extent. It seemed like a age old rule tempting me to break it. My conscious running on the commands of it may be for the best. The idea of suicide creeped inside of me three weeks ago. A pleasant day without any banter, peace coursing through the house but settling with heavy grief as I knotted my black tie around my neck, Nahyun had left a message about his grandmother's death and as his friend I needed to be by his side. I was though a little worried about his lack of grief towards the news of death, his grandmother was always the brightest light in his well lit life.

The atmosphere in the venue reflected Nahyun's feelings and response. I tried, tried my best to coax him into showing his emotions, letting out the raw frustration he was masking behind the straight and pale face but when he answered saying, 'I think everything is fine now, she doesn't have to deal with any more pain. Sometimes death is the solution', I believed him.

Maybe it isn't that bad of an idea if I can't get it out of my head, I mean what more pain can a person suffer after death? No one knows what lies beyond but one does know what's going on now and it's better to seek solace in trying to find an end to the ongoing misery. If Nahyun's grandmother is in a better place, so will I.

Though rather, hers wasn't a decision, but an expected yet unwilling turn of page to where she needed to leave the book behind. It's for the good.

______

But throwing away everything just to get rid of pain..? Is it worth for all I've lived?

Every question was blurred by the previous decision, I mean what choice do I have left, living amongst those who judge me for my preferences, abandonment throughout life, Scrunching nose with look of disgust when they ask me about myself and the hauntings of failures and heartbreaks.

Now, four weeks later here I am, a bottle of pills clutched in my left palm and the right hand resting on the edge of the bathtub, the silent room filled with loud clattering of my teeth. This is it. I didn't care with the goodbyes, didn't wanna be distracted with hollow words of hope.

Assumptions and accusations will be made but I won't be part of it, just the reason for it. They'll have me locked up one last time in their worries.

This is for the best. This- has to be for the best. But.. I'll be gone, forever. I'm scared but I have to do this, I'm useless.

(A/: I was currently working on this, so decided to post. Please show some love)

#poetry #weird poetry #poets on tumblr #dark acamedia #classic lit aesthetic #poems and poetry #poemblr #booklr #book quotes #books #own post #snippet

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sillystargirll · 2 years ago

Text

The World We Knew ~ Part 2

A Y/N and Soap Mactavish Story

The outside of the plane bustled with life the moment I stepped off, I always hated how the heat would get trapped inside those planes almost as if I was in an oven begin baked alive.

As I stepped out of the plane I let warm sun sunbathe my skin, I liked how warm it felt I could the breeze flowing along my hair. I was so relaxed I could almost stay in this state of mind forever.

I opened my eyes to be met by a small group of me .One of them steps forward to approach me.

"Lieutenant (L/N) or do you prefer to be called the Flash" the colonel, Alejandro Vargas welcomed me. The way my name rolled off his tongue with his rich accent, was so sexy to me.

He extends his hand to meet mines and I gladly shake his hand only for him to caress it and bring my hand to his lips giving a small kiss.

so he did read my file I smirk to myself as I gave a small chuckle "Flash will do" I glance over to the other boys one wearing a mask which caught my curiosity and the other one with his

hair as a mohawk his bright blue eyes captivated me it was almost as if I was looking at the ocean, it reminded me of the beaches in Mami where I spent all my free time listening to the waves crashing against the rocks.

"I'm Soap, I guess ghost isn't the only LT here anymore"

'like actual soap, hm intresting?" I smirked, Soap let out a small chuckle and smiled as he shakes my hand, I turn over my attention to the one that is wearing a mask which immensely I met with an intimidating gaze coming from him

"He's not much of a talk" Soap buts in I nodded and turn my attention towards Alejandro gesturing his head towards the SUVs behind him.

"I've never been to Mexico," I stated, making Alejandro chuckle lightly

"This isn't Mexico." as he extended his arms out "This is Las Almas"

"Shepherd" contractors are inbound to reinforcers. They're bringing hardware, they'll need room." Ghost states, Alejandro turns his head in acknowledgement.

All down to business, I think to myself where's the fun in that.

"My base is your base"

"Good, Now where's Hassan?"

"Cartel safe-house, ten clicks from here." Alejandro opens the door for me and winks at me which I smile lightly he closes the door and whistles loudly letting the SUVs

'Vamos, Vamos"

༻︵𓏶︵༺

Las Almas was beautifully filled with life, and creativity and so vibrant I always wanted to go to Mexico, I remember as a kid I would cling on to my Gramps for dear life begging him not to go on those missions since I didn't want to stay with the nanny even though she was nice. He would whisper down to my small ear and tell me he would bring me a souvenir.

For all those dangerous missions he would go to he would bring me souvenirs from different places he would go. Out of all the souvenirs he brought me my favorite was the conch shell from the beaches of Normandy he had given me for Christmas when I was 7 and I've kept and cherish it all these years.

I look out the window there was the natural beauty of nature filling the streets, alleyways, and nearby plazas. People strolled along the embedded with stones, the sidewalks clean and free of dirt. Trees and plants grew in abundance, creating limited shade even in the middle of the day

Kids played on the sidewalk, enjoying the warm weather and breezy air. I always wished to have friends growing up I was always alone the only thing I had was the giant house my Gramps brought near the shore of the beach and the serenity of the ocean it brought me peace. due to my Gramps job and the risks, it came with everything had to be done in secret. He didn't want me to get caught up with the Mania of his job apart from my birth.

I snap out of my thoughts and focus on reality stuck in the middle with two soldiers who could literally squish me, with their bulky muscles following ahead in front is an SUV that is leading the way.

"White truck, four armed in the back." Soap stated I spot it in the distance the truck quickly comes into view from his window, revealing the four men he was talking about all had their faces covered equipped with assault rifles.

My hand slowly grips my rifles carefully from begin obvious just in case there is any conflict.

"Hey "tranquilla" Alejandro was quick to assure me that everything was fine

"That's normal here. Guns on the street is a jurisdiction of the police."

"Where are the police." Ghost and Alejandro look at each other through the rearview mirror.

"Well, Las Almas has a very serious problem. there are a few that uphold the law, many who resist corruption... disappear."

"What about the military," soap questioned

"Well because we are well trained, soldiers are recruited by the narcos."

"Why not you?"

"We grew up here." In one instance you could tell Alejandro had a special connection to this town and to its memories. he will fight till the very end to keep those special memories.

"They call us Los Vaqueros, Cowboys. we love this place and would die fighting for it."

The vehicles trailed along passing by a small open area that was filled with shaded large trees. on the sidewalk, I was given a view of a man in a black tank top shirt who wore a skull mask beside him was a square cart, that was balloons tied to the cart. the balloons which the sun reflected on the side walk showing their beautiful colors.

The man handed a gold star-shaped balloon to the boy beside him were two men who were on guard on them they were carrying assault rifles.

"Kids, guns, and balloons .. that's a new one," Soap stated as he looked at me for a brief moment and then to Alejandro through the rearview mirror

"Narcos use generosity to win over the people."

"Even Children." I felt a pang in my heart these children didn't deserve to be brainwashed especially by narcos who cause nothing but destruction. in their way

"Especially the children" an unrecognized new voice spoke up, the driver speaks I think to myself

"Como te llamas senora?" the driver asked, trying to start a conversation with me since the drive got way to damn quiet.

"El Flash" I responded, watching from the rearview mirror his head slowly nod in acknowledgement

"You must be fast in the field, I'm Rodolfo Parra but you can call me Rudy" I smile and nod my head in acknowledgment as he watches you from the rearview mirror returning a smile back

All of a sudden the vehicle slowly comes to a stop. I slowly peered towards ghost's window along with Soap and tried to get a glimpse of what it is. My eyes were met with bright white sheets and had black writing on them covering the abandoned bodies.

"What's on those sheets?" Soap asked

"Narcomantas"

"Cartel Cloths" Rudy translates

"Message from El Sin Nombre. Warnings, marking territory. our streets are laced with death."

Before arriving in Las Almas Laswell gave you a brief introduction on who is El Sin Nombre and that he has been an issue in Las Almas but before I could ask who was El Sin Nombre ghost beat me to it.

"Who's Sin Nombre"

"El Sin Nombre", Alejandro corrected him. "The nameless, the leader of the Las Almas.'

"Where can we find him" my voice laced with a bitter tone

"You can't, no one knows who he is. but he's everywhere." Alejandro peered over the rear view of the mirror to make direct eye contact with me, but also watched the vehicles behind following us.

"And this is a challenge" I could sense a growing smile let alone Alejandro's tone. "But Los Vaqueros like challenges."

"With your mask, you will fit in well here, Ghost" Rudy butted in, I smirk at his statement, well he spoke facts in my opnion.

"Oye Calma" Alejandro gives a soft stern voice ordering Rudy to take it easy. The vehicle slowed down a bit, leaving me a bit curious about what was happening.

"Checkpoint, It's the army. Turn right, well go around."

"Why?" Ghost asked and I questioned myself on assuming the military guys blocking our road were allies or so I thought.

"Some troops are in the pocket of El Sin Nombre. Like I told said he's everywhere."

Rudy picks up the speed as the cleared streets gave the drivers behind us to go faster.

༻︵𓏶︵༺

Upon exiting the SUV, my high-laced boots came into contact with the dry dirt ground. Alejandro had let us to a rustic look old abandoned building it gave off a bad vibe.

"Team leaders, circle up on me." Alejandro ordered through his radion before looking back at Me, Soap and Ghost.

which we three nodded in acknowledgment. the rest of the soldiers rushed out of the vehicles, closing their doors. I grabbed my rifle in my hand and got of the car. as soon as I got off I inhaled the fresh air and felt the breeze cool my skin. I gather around Soap, Ghost, Alejandro and Rudy ready for the mission and the chaos that would unfold.

"Where are they holding Hassan?" Soap asked

"White two-story building. Back town" Alejandro raised the binoculars to give him a good view of the area he then put them down after a couple of seconds he managed a steady grip on his weapon and signaled everyone to quickly to approach the rusted old iron gate door.

In waiting for the command, I positioned behind Soap, who had positioned behind Alejandro. Once everyone was set, he radioed his team.

"All victors, stand by" Alejandro spoke into his radio, keeping his gun ready. Three seconds before commanding his men to breach, he fired a direct shot.

Ghost breached the door open on command, quickly following after Soap who was the first to enter he briskly walked through the entrance. I was left following after ghost.

Once inside the safe house, I was given a better look at the first few two-story houses I saw each made with brick and cement, the structure would be good for an incoming storm.

"Any civilians"

"Gone" Alejandro retorted, quickly approaching the next gate

"Where'd did they go?" Soap questioned after a small moment of silence."

"The Cartel took over, its now a hideout."

"It's a good place to keep Hassan, especially in the middle of nowhere," I said various shouts from the village center interrupted our conversation. We were shut off by another metal door that was lined with large, thick rocks and dense brick walls. Those cartel members who didn't know you were here sure as hell do now

Ghost quickly breached the next door open, allowing The rest of the group to reveal a more covered ground of the village ahead. Gunfire was quick to fill the air along with shouting chaos, Alejandro shot the first cartel member he saw hiding in what looked to be a one-bedroom that was in a complete mess across from him.

As we head down to the first floor of the safe house the walls are quickly riddled with bullet holes from the cartel who shot from various different places for cover.

I lingered behind Soap as he advances ahead, providing additional cover fire toward the cartel. took cover behind the nearest house wall, trying to avoid the gunfire and working with soap, shooting at the cartel men who cockblocked our way.

As we advanced forward, we encountered a narrowed pathway between the houses, which we crossed over the bodies of cartel members.

"watch out!" as I shot at the last man standing on top of a second-story balcony

"Thanks," Alejandro says he shoots me a soft smile which I return with a wink

Following the path to the last house, he pressed forward

"We secure this house, then we go for Hassan," Alejandro makes an announcement, the team members can be seen in his peripheral view.

"Cartels will move fast."

"Then we move faster. Soap, take the door."

Soap positioned himself in front of Alejandro and was set to the right of the door. I heard frantic screams coming from the house, it seemed they were well aware of my presence and were preparing to defend themselves.

after he breached the door, The man walked slowly down the hall and fired heavily at the man standing in the grim center moments after pulling the trigger before soap overtook him.

Following closely behind Soap, I kept an eye out and my gun aimed at every slightly ajar door in the hallway. Bringing pride to my callsign. I shot the cowardly man who tried to hide in the bedroom without hesitation. He was hiding behind a nightstand. The door opened just enough for his line of sight.

"Wow that was quick I'm guessing that's why they Flash" Soap commented in a low hushed tone, making me smirk at soap.

"Not even close, there's more to come." I look to the ghost who just gives me a cold stare which I immediately ignore and just keep on doing me

As Soaps reach the living room he look around trying to see if Hassan has been here or where his trail will lead us.

"All clear no sign of Hassan"

"What happened to the families here" Soap turned his head to see Alejandro entering the living along with me, ghost and Rodolfo following behind.

"The cartels bring violence so they leave." Alejandro approaches a nearby window closest to the door, spotting their objective just a few feet away. I made my way to the second window, peeking outside for anymore cartel members, only to be met with a peaceful view of the mountains and trees it was a truly beautiful day too bad you would spend it chasing down one troubled man.

"Stand by" Before Soap could open the door, Alejandro extended his hand on it and knelt down next to the window to talk into his radio.

"Victor-2, this is 1-1. deploy smoke. were moving external"

As I heard muffled explosions caused by smoke bombs being hurled in front of me, I heard his footsteps against the hard floor nearby. I notice a ghost behind me and I hear him breathing heavily, which doesn't bother me because of the environment we're in.

"Where's your family Alejandro" I asked with curiosity

"I keep that a secret, hermana. To protect them." The last thing we need with this kind of profession is to include the people we care about in this mayhem, thus I respect him for keeping his family and loved ones safe.

'We have concealment" Ghost announced, I enjoy it when guys are taller than me, especially since they have room for me in bed and can just scoop me in one single motion. he was near me, he was practically towering over me compared to my size.

"Let's move" Alejandro rose from the ground

"On me, soap" he nodded

Alejandro took lead, walking out the door to lead ahead through the smoke.

"This is where they were hiding Hassan. Expect resistance"

Alejandro led the group in the direction of the two-story house he had mentioned, which had crisp white walls and a welcoming balcony on the second floor. It was obvious how different it was from the other residences in the village.

A Vaquero opens the door and kicks it down after shooting the doorknob off the frame with his weapon. Alejandro took the initiative once more and threw a grenade, which caused a strong explosion and a brief shower of sparks to stun enemies from attacking us.

I trailed after him, soap following after me then Ghost and Rudy

then, a second door that was on the opposite side of the living room had been broken through. Alejandro's grenade had surprised the adversaries, who were now stunned on the ground due to the effect of the grenade.

"Clear, no sight of hassan."

"Second deck." Ghost advised instantly

"Si. Vamos. Let's move upstairs and get Hassan"

Alejandro took the lead as Soap and I followed closely behind him, following him up the stairs at a steady, cautious pace. Alejandro manages to lower his head just in time after I heard several booming gunshots strike the wall behind him. He and Soap made it to the top floor, eliminated the last few cartel members, and then let us know it was safe to go inside.

The home's final room was incredibly roomy and appeared more like a living room. The last two cartel members were lying dead in the room, one under a small coffee table and the other through a cheap feathered couch cushion, as evidenced by the gunshot holes in his neck and chest.

"All victors, target building secure. Negative on Hassan." Alejandro announced in his comms, he sounded fed up with this man who we are currently chasing.

Ghost walked over to the sole table that had not been turned into a disorganized mess and started looking through a binder that was lying there. When he opened it, he discovered meaningless documents written in various languages. Hassan was rushing to be transferred out of the building and into a secret place.

"They must've moved him" Alejandro walked up to the table's right side and peered down at whatever the ghost was examining left by Hassan.

"They moved him recently." Alejandro looked at me exhaling in disbelief and disappointment.

"Quds force, that's his flag."The enormous, vivid blue flag with a recognizable yellow insignia was ghost pointed out.

"There's no doubt he was here, he's probably not to far from here, we can probably intersect to where he's heading." Alejandro nodded with you agreeing with my intel and ability to read ahead what were to happen next. Im always ten steps ahead everyone .

"your intel is good flash." as soap patted your soldier and gave a soft smile

Out of nowhere an erreie sound of tires groveling the dirt roads, I turn to the nearest window to try and catch a glimpse of the commotion. Vehicles heading our way.

"Vehicles inbounded" I quickly back up from the window and turn to the wall pretty much alerting the people around me.

"Mireda" Alejandro cursed and hurried over to the other window next to me. Soap followed, Rudy and Ghost joined me by the window. Everyone held their breath as the room fell silent.

"What is it?" Every passing car I saw primarily remind out of my sight from the windows as soap asked swiftly watching the strange vehicles making tight turns before coming to an abrupt hault.

"Its the army." Alejandro didn't sound so happy since they decided to show up out of nowhere.

"We got reinforcements" soap who sounded encouraging by this so sudden news

"Negative" Alejandro ordered his squad commanders and their men to leave. He tightened his grip on his gun to the point that his knuckles turned white, making it evident that he was furious with the army.

"What are we doin?" I watched as Alejandro kept his finger on the trigger

"Covering my men" Alejandro repeated, he peeked out the window from where he stood

"You want us the engage the fucking Mexican army?!?!" soap whispered in disbelief

"No hermano, these troops are paid by the cartel to protect Hassan"

"Multiple vehicle, troops transports light armor." Ghost says as I look through the scope of my rifile looking at the things they were transporting and trying to get more intel on what trick the got up their sleves, A sudden sharp minor explosion is followed by smoke that fogs up there cover

"They're deploying smoke." I peered through my scope, I try to focus my attention to at least the nearest targeted soldier.

"Hold your fire let them get close." alejandro says

As many gunshots can be heard around the the village and they are aimed at us, hell broke loose. I did my best to keep a safe distance from the window as I could hear the sound of the glass breaking and to avoid being fired at.

"Weapons free!!" alejandro shouted

Through my scope, I could see soldiers utilizing metal shields as protection, as if it were going to do any good. I saw that their helmets were of poor quality because even when they raised their shield to defend themselves, my bullets still went straight through their skulls.

Soap tried to cause damage and get rid of the men who were blocking our path while carrying only a little quantity of gernades. I was able to shoot those who had been hurt by the explosions and kill them as they came within my field of vision.

"My men are clear! we need to move!" Alejandro announced abruptly and moved away from the window. "Let's go!-"

He had been cut off from large, bulk grenades that were thrown through the broken glass window, landing against the hardwood floor with a thud. One of them had landed near Soap, he back away instantly . But I moved to him fast, grabbing hold of his forearm to pull him away from the blast. bringing him behind you.

the bombs quickly exploded, almost popping your ears. Black marks stained the wood floored board, murky brown clouds of smoke began to fill the room. I could tell that they used mustard gas to try and lure us out which could have work but we ain't going down without a fight.

"Are you okay?" as I landed on top of soap, he could feel your lower hips meet with his crotch, he blushed madly and nodded due to the explosion it didn't matter what weird position I was in all that matter was he was alive and breathing

He grabbed my arm and pulled me in front of him so we could move away from the ejecting gas canisters as I quickly got off of him and assisted him in standing. The gas was beginning to flood my lungs because it had completely eliminated all oxygen. The smell hit my nose and burned it difficult for me to breathe and causing me to cough.

When the wood panels and glass frames of the back window were broken by Alejandro, Ghost, and Rudy, the murky gas that was supposed to be pure mountain air began to seep out of the new area

"On me hurry !" Alejandro braced his leg against the sill and climbed out of the window, yelling as loudly as he could due to the damage the mustard gas was doing to his lungs. He then fell to the ground

I clutch the ledge and lower myself over it. When I jumped and awkwardly landed against the dirt ground, my gloves shielded my hands from glass splinter fragments.

"Army is right behind us!"

"Down the hill! We'll lose them in the mountains" Alejandro insisted." Fan out and stay close!"

"The old route?" Rudy shouted so that his colonel could hear him over the shooting.

"Straight for the bridge!" He confirmed, quickening his stride as he descended the steep slope. Jumping off a rock ledge, I descended the steep, dry dirt slopes after Alejandro and Rudy, with Soap and Ghost close behind.

The Mexican army follows us as we descend to the foothills, trying to flee while firing at us. A tree a few feet nearby was struck by a rocket as it shot through the air. The hit caused the tree to shake, its blackened, damaged bark aggressively creaking as a result of the harm.

My ear drums are damaged by the impact, and all I can hear is ringing and the painful hammering of my heart in my chest.

" Army on the ridgeline!" I heard someone yell out, an uproar of gunfire breaking through shortly after the blast, the soldiers took high vantage points now carried RPG'S with them. As they got closer and closer to the group.

As I took cover behind a rock , after take a couple of seconds regain my composure I joined in on the fight, Even if was in immense pain after surviving an explosion that could have killed if I would have taken a couple of more steps.

as soon as the final man fell from the ridgelines, "Anyone hit?!" Alejandro yelled.

"Flash, you okay, lass?!" Soap instantly looked at me with worried eyes as he saw blood drain out of my ears due to the RPG that nearly hit me. "Im fine!" I quickly nodded at him assuring him that I was okay and ready to get the fuck out of here.

Alejandro led the way once again, leading down to more steep paths downhill, he then stopped at a large rock ledge, the last tree ending at the corner of a steep cliff, giving a beautiful view of the mountains and the greenery terrain with its blue clear skies it was surrounded by that one miss step could end my journey not that I was afraid of heights, I was better than that.

As the group and I keep on advancing with Alejandro leading us to the bridge, As we run I could see the stunning view of the bridge surrounded by the lakes water it was breathtaking, I really wish I could go swimming as in the moment if I wasn't occupied.

Between Rudy and I, a piercing bullet sliced through the rocks, slamming painfully close to my left shoulder, sending shivers down my spine and nearly knocking me off your feet.

"Flash!" his hand clutched hold onto my forearm, preventing me from falling to my death. I cling to his arm, he guides me back firmly against the wall, helping me regain my mind and balance.

Another bullet pierces missing us, Alejandro shouting and commanding us to keep moving jolts me out of my dissociative state. I am then forced to keep moving until my feet touch more stable ground, at which point my hands tighten their grip on my own gun.

I instantly kneel down, look down where I thought the sniper was, and take a firm look through my scope. I watched for the crucial cue, like the smallest head tilt or a glint of sunlight reflecting off the enemy's scope. anything that would reveal their position.

I shot the sniper once I found him crouched by some tree, using the shrubs as cover to hide in plain sight. That one kill alone gave me redemption It turned the tables around if we were going to make it out of here.

"Good shot, that was amazing" Soap cheered me on as the group and I continued to advance, going up to the next available ledge, where I hauled myself up to continue. Because of all the running and hiking, my legs were on the verge of giving out. My knees and calves were burning and begging for a respite, but the rush of adrenaline coursing through my body compels me to continue.. Part of me wish this would come to end and hoping we catch that bald header fucker.

Upon sliding down another ledge, I regrouped with Alejandro as he froze at another

"you led us to a dead end mate!"

"We have to jump, hold on to your weapons!" Alejandro yelled and threw himself off the cliffside catching me off guard. Ghost and Soap were in total disbelief of what Alejandro did but hey did make the right call beside what other option did he have.

"The lad's gone mad!" Soap who was getting cold feet, I place a hand on his shoulder "You got this Soap! Its this or death." I exhaled slowly bracing myself before taking two steps back, the growing "butterflies" that filled your belly.

I sprang off and felt the wind blowing through my hair and clothes, chilling all the sweat that had accumulated on my face from the continual running and battling. I kept my weapon near to me and safely in my arms. I've never felt so light, and it gave me the impression that I was going to take off. This was the best and most insane thing I have ever done, and if I lived that long, I would definitely do it again.

My entire body felt instantaneously chilled as soon as it made contact with the frigid waves. I breached the lake and was devoured by the floods. When I opened my eyes, the lake's bottomless abyss and the surrounding blue and green crystal pure waters were both visible to me.

It was so peaceful I just wanted to stay there forever.

#graves mw2 #johnny mactavish #alejandro vargas #soap x y/n #call of duty rodolfo #call of duty #cod mw2 #ghost mw2 #soap mactavish #mw2 spoilers #story update

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tsarisfanfiction · 2 years ago

Text

Before and After

Fandom: One Piece Rating: Teen Genre: Family Characters: Law, Penguin, Shachi, Heart Pirates

Law’s life was divided into Befores and Afters.

Whew, it's been a while since I last wrote any Heart Pirates (or One Piece at all) but clearly these characters are still embedded in my muses because finding their characters again wasn't any challenge at all (which was a relief). In fact, it's been so long that Hakugan's name hadn't been revealed yet, so I've now got to figure out where to place him in my version of the crew's dynamics...

I joined @stereden's Winter Exchange this year for the first (but hopefully not the last!) time, and my match was Castled_Rook, whose prompt options included some Heart Pirates found family (which is, hopefully obviously, what I went for), which has always been my favourite thing to write in this fandom, so that was a perfect match as far as I was concerned :D Hoping they agree after seeing this fic!

There's a warning for this fic but I'm not entirely sure how to word it, so hopefully this will suffice: a character considering if they would have wanted to live if they'd had the time to think in a life-threatening situation.

Law’s life was divided into Befores and Afters.

Before the Flevance massacre. After the Flevance massacre.

Before Cora-san. After Cora-san.

Aged thirteen, those two Befores and Afters had encompassed everything he was, with the underlying weight of white lead cloying in his body, destroying him from the inside out.

Losing his family had destroyed him. Losing Cora-san had obliterated him from existence.

Law had never thought he’d outlive the clumsy idiot who meant well but screamed incompetence with every blunder. In hindsight, when his thoughts were clear from ever-present fevers and resignation paired with desperation, Law realised he hadn’t wanted to outlive Cora-san, hadn’t wanted to lose and grieve a man that meant so much to him.

He’d already outlived his family once.

Then he outlived his family again.

Law could acknowledge that it was a good thing he hadn’t realised he’d felt that way back on Minion Island. If his mind had been – not clearer, but sharper, more self-aware, he might not have followed Cora-san’s last wishes.

He might not have lived.

Law loved Cora-san, but did he love him enough to live for him when he’d left him without a family again? Evidence pointed to yes, because that was exactly what he’d done, but Law was aware, with the cold, harsh truths of hindsight, that if he’d focused on a different emotion, on losing family rather than destroy the world (destroy Doflamingo)… the answer may not have been yes.

It was a good thing the cards had fallen in the order they did.

Not to say Law was glad Cora-san was dead – that was so far from the truth even a liar like him couldn’t even begin to try and say it; the clumsy idiot had no right to leave him like that, no right to go and die to save him when he should have lived for him – but Law would forever be eternally grateful that he had lived. That Cora-san had saved him.

If he had died, he would never have met his crew. His nakama. His third (and final) family.

Law had no way of knowing if he would outlive this family, too. The pattern in his life suggested that it was a possibility, but also Law was no helpless child any more. He was a Captain, a Supernova, a feared member of the Worst Generation, powerful enough to rub shoulders with some of the greatest on the seas (or go toe to toe with them in battle).

He was a doctor. A surgeon. And he had the Ultimate Devil Fruit to back him up.

He was no god, but he could play at being a god, play with lives and who lives and who died for as long as he drew breath – and his crew? His nakama, his family?

Law refused to outlive them, too.

“You’re brooding again.”

Penguin slid onto the bench next to him, pushing a fresh mug of steaming coffee in front of him and taking a loud drink of his own. “Beri for your thoughts?”

Law ignored him, wrapping his fingers around the mug and watching the letters EATH stand out on his fingers while the D of the thumb opposed them. The metal transmitted the heat straight into his skin, almost hot enough to burn.

“Law?”

“It’s nothing,” he told his nakama. Penguin made a disbelieving noise, but something must have convinced him to drop it because he didn’t push any further – although the next slurp of his own drink was obnoxiously loud in a way that Law was more used to hearing from Shachi.

They’d grown up together. Penguin had been Shachi’s older brother the younger’s entire life – not by blood, but Law had learned twice over that blood wasn’t the rule of family (look at the Donquixote brothers, look at Cora-san and Law, look at his nakama). Shared habits and obnoxious traits were hardly a surprise.

Law didn’t let himself wonder what shared habits he and Lami might have developed, in time. Didn’t let himself remember the ones that had started planting their seeds already, before being suffocated out by white lead and a blaze of fire.

(Didn’t let himself dwell on the fact that her face had long since faded from his mind, and that all he remembered was her big, gap-toothed smile, and I love you, nii-san! echoing in the depths of his ears.)

As if summoned by Law’s stray mental observation, or perhaps Penguin’s mimic of his own drinking habits, Shachi materialised on his other side, throwing himself onto the bench with aplomb and almost spilling his own mug of dark bliss. The smell rising from his own coffee was tinted with something else, and Law knew the news his nakama had for him before he even opened his mouth.

“Bepo says we’re coming up on the island,” the ginger reported, taking a slurp loud enough to rival Penguin’s and smacking his lips together obscenely. “We’ll reach it in a few hours at our current speed.”

It wasn’t an island that held any real significance for them – it was just the next one on the route to Laugh Tale, although the fact that it was on the route at all, the fact that it was a New World island, meant it was one to be approached with caution. Law – and Penguin, Shachi, Bepo, all his nakama – had read up what they could find on the islands of the New World and thought they knew which one they were coming up on (and, more importantly, who it was currently in control, which Yonkou’s territory they were encroaching on this time).

An island on the horizon meant more conflict, and if nothing else, Law could plan for those, at least.

“I want everyone in the infirmary between now and then,” he said, and Shachi hummed, draining his mug and letting it hit the table with more force than strictly necessary.

“Already spread the word,” he said, and once upon a time Law would have hated that Shachi knew and shared his orders before he even alerted Law, but it had been thirteen years since Swallow Island, and two older teenagers with makeshift weapons and a cowering mink cub.

Thirteen years.

He’d had ten years in Flevance. Three with one or other Donquixote brother.

He’d spent those two lengths of time combined with the three of them, and despite his thirteen year old self’s attempts not to let anyone in ever again, that had been a battle he’d lost before it’d even begun, and Law was glad for it.

There was no-one in all four Blues, no-one in the Grand Line, no-one in the world, that knew him better than the trio he’d founded the Heart Pirates with, and once upon a time Law would have recoiled violently at the idea of being known.

Now, as he gave a nod of acknowledgement, it was a fact of life, a safety net to catch him when he needed it.

(And it went both ways; they knew him but he knew them, knew the little tics and habits that lurked beneath the concealing hat, behind the dark shades, beyond the thick white fur. He knew Shachi had spread the order because he, too, worried about their nakama and the fact it only took a stroke of bad luck to take someone away forever. He’d known they were coming up on the island before the ginger had even opened his mouth by the smell of mocha because Shachi only indulged in that particular mix of caffeine and comfort when there was an expectation of conflict in their near future. He knew, already, that Penguin would be the last into the infirmary, letting Law remove his vital organs only once the rest of the crew had undergone the same surgery because he knew his armament was the best in the crew and if they were caught early, he had the best chance of protecting his own body.)

He drained his own mug and stood up, gesturing wordlessly for Shachi to follow him while Penguin gathered up their mugs with a mutter he didn’t mean about it not being his job to clean up after them. Penguin would be last, but Shachi was always first.

(If Law didn’t fear long term consequences of keeping his nakama’s vital organs out of their bodies, Shachi’s would never be in his body, not with his non-existent armament.)

The procedure was quick and painless. Shachi had been through it so many times he didn’t even react when the gelatinous cubes erupted from his body and Law Shambles’d them into their allocated place with the secure vault deep within the Tang, not even taking a moment to readjust before hopping off the bed and pulling his tank top back on – Law didn’t need his nakama to take their tops off to get at their organs, but the less in the way, the less potential there was for something to go awry, and Law was a big fan of minimising risks to his nakama. The shades were next, covering closed eyes, before Shachi threaded his arms back through the sleeves of his boiler suit and yanked the zip up with a familiar zzzhp, snapping the covering flap into place.

“Thanks, Law,” he grinned, clapping him on the shoulder before tugging his hat onto his head.

Law didn’t need thanks, not when the action was always inherently selfish – he wouldn’t outlive his nakama if his nakama didn’t die – but Shachi had taken to thanking him every time and Law had never admitted his selfishness out loud, even though he knew Shachi knew him well enough to understand why he did it.

(There was also the fact that Shachi seemed to lose all self-regard once his organs were removed, revelling in the pseudo-immortality it gave him and taking risks that made Law’s own heart want to leap out of his chest because he knew he could, trusted Law to put him back together whatever befell him. Law didn’t particularly want thanks for enabling that streak of Shachi’s either, but his single-minded ferocity in battle had saved other nakama more than once, so it was something Law just had to live with. Shachi wouldn’t stop anyway, no matter what he ordered, asked, or begged. It wasn’t in the ginger’s nature to hold back when his loved ones were in danger – it was a trait they shared. A trait the whole crew shared, for better or worse.)

“Send Bepo and Hakugan in,” he said instead, because while Bepo was one of the less fragile members of the crew and per breakable hierarchy should be near-last, he needed Bepo on navigation and battle ready as early as possible, and Hakugan had a way with the Tang’s helm that necessitated him there at the first signs of trouble, so he needed to be ready early.

Shachi flicked him a lazy salute, carefree and disrespectful of the origin because Shachi hated pirates the most but he hated marines, too, and disappeared as Ikkaku poked her head around the door, oil streaked through her hair and splattered across her boiler suit.

“Reporting for organ removal duties, Captain!” she chirped, and Law waved her to take a seat. After her came Bepo and Hakugan, as requested, then the rest of the crew filed in, some alone and others in groups, with Jean Bart and then, finally, Penguin rounding off the crew.

This was not a new routine; his crew knew how to work around their organ removals and their island ahead duties with ease of practice, and Law trusted Penguin and Shachi to keep everything running smoothly from the command room as he went through the motions of making each of his nakama, his family, just that little bit harder to kill.

Law’s life had been a series of Befores and Afters.

Before Swallow Island. After Swallow Island.

Before the Heart Pirates.

There would not be an After the Heart Pirates. Jack, and Zou, had come closer than Law ever wanted to come (the only time in years his nakama had faced a battle with their organs in their chests, vulnerable to not just injury but poison) but for as long as Law could do something about it, it would not happen.

There would be no After his family. Not this one.

#one piece #one piece fanfiction #trafalgar law #penguin #shachi #heart pirates #tsari writes fanfiction #tales from the heart

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