#so maybe i'll just have to deal
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Tfw when you're trying to foreshadow something and every hint you work into the story feels like a blinking neon arrow pointing directly at the solution.
#writing#writeblr#kaj rambles#i am not a particularly subtle person and if you *know* what you're aiming for it always feels way too obvious#maybe i can make my brother read the story and tell me if the hints are too obvious#but it's extremely not a ship he's interested in at all#so maybe i'll just have to deal
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i hate continuously reverting back to denial but dear fucking god i just CAN'T believe it
such an important part of my life for over 12 years and he's just gone
i was here for him when he was 17 and loved green beans and i was here for him when he was 31 and trying to get his life together and i have always loved him all the same
i'm going to be plagued by the what ifs of the rest of his life for the rest of mine
#i always really empathized with him because i also have a drinking problem and it is HARD to deal with addiction#if it makes any of you more sympathetic to addiction as one of your mutuals#i just always felt like. since i grew up with them i thought maybe liam and i would get to heal together and settle into our 30s#as kind of healed humans#and he'll never get the chance#and i think i will but it's so hard. watching him not be able to#i always wanted to talk to him about it one day#and i'll never get to#idk i'm rambling i just love him so much and i'm just. devastated#sam says shit#to keep
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#kirby#daily kirby#my art#digital#hal laboratory#nintendo#va appeal hearing was today#not a fun time to have to try to granularly recall everything that. yknow. permanently destroyed my body and mind and life.#probably went fine? definitely cried in front of the judge but everyone was super cool about it.#also thank god my wife was there they let her give testimony as both my wife and as a doctor#(which she is)#(obviously)#but like I'm still So Sick and it's all this up and down and we're still fighting to get stabilized so I usually don't have time or energy#to like stop and look around at the quicksand I've been keeping myself afloat in this whole time#but today was very much 'hey tell me about this quicksand huh'#and it's just like a lot to deal with yknow#I'll be fine it's just A Lot#anyway shoutout to the folks who are either kind or nosy enough to read my tag rambles all the time lol#(the actual decision will still take up to 2 more years btw)#(hopefully not! but they said it could)#(although apparently a board denial isn't the end of the road anymore which is news to me)#(maybe they changed it in the 44 months since I filed for the appeal hearing lol)#(not a typo)#favorites
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(Spoilers for 4.5 Potion event (just in case lol I know I'm late on this))
At this point, I'm really wondering if we're gonna end up getting some payoff in the future for much Paimon absolutely hates Venti for no discernible reason. Because he isn't the only person she's been kinda standoffish with over the years, but he's by far the most consistent. Like, when you consider the fact that Paimon even warmed up to Al-Haitham by the end of Sumeru, it kinda says a lot about her apparent grudge against Venti by comparison. (And I love Al-Haitham to death, but I'm not about to say he's a ray of sunshine compared to Venti.) (Event interaction-related stuff under the cut)
The contrast to how Paimon treated Diona versus how she treated Venti when they came to the potion shop together was like night and day. I've been going around to all of my friends today and describing Paimon's reaction to them as something like "Diona omg hi it's so good to see you it's been forever how have you been!!! .........And Tone-Deaf Bard." which is obviously a comedic exaggeration, but also not entirely off the mark. And all Venti did was... exist? Try to help Diona out with what she was trying to do? Yes, he's going to get free drinks out of it but he also went truly above and beyond to help Diona find a new ingredient all the way from the middle of nowhere in Dragonspine. If he didn't care about Diona's feelings and what she was trying to do, he wouldn't have done that. (But of course, Venti does care because he's a good Archon and a good person and I love him for that.)
There are genuinely very few things that make me believe in the theory that Paimon is some kind of agent from the Heavenly Principles than the fact that she hates Venti so steadfastly. There's so much evidence that connects Mondstadt and specifically Venti/the Thousand Winds to the old civilizations of Teyvat that the Heavenly Principles once destroyed. For Venti to still exist in the world and let his people make their own choices in the way that he does, of course they and by extension Paimon would hate him. Plus, even if her annoyance with him started with his tendency towards being cryptic, why would Paimon care so much about what he knows? Why does one of his voicelines imply that he doesn't want to tell the traveler things with Paimon around?? It's just so incredibly suspicious.
The scene is kinda funny though when you look at how good Venti is with kids (how helpful and kind he is to Diona despite her wanting to get rid of alcohol, which he loves) and yet one of the most childish characters in the entire game absolutely despises him. Every day I wake up and wonder what in the world Paimon's damage is and if we're going to get a justification for it, or if this is sincerely just what the writers think is funny.
#navi gets meta#genshin impact#paimon#venti#Am I biased in this? Yeah of course. BUT ALSO-#I don't even think having her have beef with him is necessarily a bad choice#It's just the fact that it's Venti of all people#He just feels like someone on the less offensive end of the character's we've met#There are so many people Paimon has warmed up to who have come off and also remained more annoying than Venti ever was imo#So it just makes me feel like there has to be some kind of reason for it#And like I guess it's not a big deal if there's no payoff I will just be sad about it :(#maybe today i'll finally make a meta tag... i feel like i should
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jaykyle au where they're theatre kids in the same school but they're not the actors jason's the scriptwriter/director and kyle is the prop manager (i don't know the official terms sorry) and they'd probably do an amazing job on the backstage setting if they could stop arguing for 5 whole seconds about their artistic visions and ideas and how "this would obviously work better this way"
#jason todd#kyle rayner#jaykyle#mypost#dc thoughts#vp of the club: maybe we should find some other people to do the job if they can't get along?#pres of the club: no they're both talented af and i want this to be raving success just knock their heads tgt and tell them to play nice or#i'll make them wear the get along shirt again#WAIT ONE SEC DONNA'S THE PRES and overseer she's pissed bcos kyle played the same role last year and he was chill then#wally's vp no 1 and backstage manager and he's thinking of kicking kyle out#dick's vp no 2 and main lead and he's thinking of kicking jason out bcos it's embarrassing and annoying to work with your younger siblings#kon helps kyle with props and bart is one of the actors and kon is jealous af about it he grumbles a little#roy is the fight scene choreographer#i'm trying to think of something for garth but the only thing that comes to mind i'm not sure are fitting enough#actor manager? weapon manager? oooh maybe pet manager if they have animals... human and pet manager???? hr department but including animals#ooooh maybe pet manager if they have animals#raven can play bart's love interest (in play) maybe (wally doesn't like it and neither does gar for very different reasons)#eddie deals with the contraptions they build for this bubble machines smoke machines lowering and raising anything mechanical#rose and cass helps with the weapons stuff they keep fighting too and roy is TIRED#connor plays the villain he didn't mean to or want to but he got dragged into it and he's really hot and gunned in for next years main lead#he doesnt want this#steph and mia are hair makeup costume department but bart and kon love to hangout and help too#jennie-lynn and bart are in-charge of socials#tim pops up a lot because so many of his friends (and brothers) are here and when he does he helps steph and mia#damian too pops up to help with pet management and sometimes prop art#this is much to dicks annoyance jason is already here can his little brothers LEAVE HIM ALONE SOMETIMES UGH#damian (taking cues from talia and bruce loverenemies dynamic and wanting an artist in-law): we should set jason and kyle up#dick: no / tim: hmm / dick: NO#i want to add the yj girls (cassie cissie greta anita) but i know too little about them right now but imagine they're there and the roles#are to be determined
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one thing that I will criticize about Mikasa's character is that she doesn't understand Eren's (and Armin's) dream at all. The only insight we're offered into Mikasa's perspective of their dream is that she doesn't understand it and doesn't know what they're going on about. Like?? She doesn't get Eren's basic motivations?? Unless I completely missed something, Mikasa doesn't know that Eren wanted to explore an unoccupied world with Armin or that he desires 'freedom'. Which again, are Eren's base-level motivations. And she just. Isn't allowed to know??
#we'll see if i regret this in the morning#it's one of my spicier takes#cl thoughts#mikasa ackerman#it just baffles me#like. I'm sorry but I can't get behind a romance where one person doesn't know basic facts about the other#and maybe doesn't even care to know??#is that just how the author views het romantic relationships?#but no - Armin and Annie are based on having a thorough understanding of each other & motivations#so idk what the deal is#like that's the whole reason that Armin wanted to join the survey corps#and the original reason that Eren wanted to join#and she doesn't know?!??#armin arlert#eren jaeger#ema#erearu#eremin#and yes i know Mikasa fills a different narrative purpose#perhaps it was easier to keep her separate from knowing Eren in that way for plot-purposes?#and i really do like her overall arc#it's just like. damn. girly doesn't know shit about her besties apparently#idk I'll shut up goodnight
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Hello superfallingstars - from one marauders fan to another, care to answer these too? Some will be repeated, but I want to know what you think!
- Which marauder likes a big city, and who prefers the countryside or a small town?
- Who got the most free drinks or pub snacks from Rosmerta?
- Who handled their drink the best?
- Who couldn’t handle their drink?
- Who gave the best romantic advice?
- Who learned the patronus charm first?
- Who swears the most?
- I suppose this excludes James, but we can swap him for Lily: who enjoyed watching Quidditch matches the most?
- Who had the coolest childhood bedroom? (This is very subjective, I know)
- Who’s the most likely to be a good cook?
- Who’s good at fixing things?
- Who was always getting caught and who never got caught?
- Most likely to be a vegetarian
That’s what I got for today! I hope you all don’t think I am a creep. I just like to come up with questions that dig a bit more into the personalities of my favourite characters.
Hi I would love to answer these!
Which marauder likes a big city, and who prefers the countryside or a small town?
I think James and Sirius would both prefer the big city (so much mischief to get into!), Peter would prefer the country (is overwhelmed by the city), and Remus would be somewhere in the middle. Maybe Remus would find the city more enjoyable, but he would feel safer and more at ease in the country (for obvious reasons).
Who got the most free drinks or pub snacks from Rosmerta?
James. For all his faults (of which there were MANY), I think he was probably very charming…
Who handled their drink the best?
I think Sirius. I imagine James could also drink a decent amount, but he would get sillay with it, whereas Sirius would just seem slightly less coordinated. It’s because one of them is drinking for fun and the other one is drinking to cope. Who said that. Speaking of, I think Remus would also partake in some self-destructive substance abuse post-Lily and James death
Who couldn’t handle their drink?
Boring answer but Peter. I think he would be such a lightweight, to the point that everyone thought he was faking it and that he was just trying to seem cool by acting drunker than he actually was, and everyone found it really annoying. And then like an hour into the party he would just fall asleep in the corner (and James and Sirius would write/draw profane things on his face)
Who gave the best romantic advice?
Remus but only by process of elimination. His advice was still not very good.
Who learned the patronus charm first?
I have to go with James… ugh. I think he is such a complicated character (as you may be able to tell from the fact that I write an essay every time he comes up). I have a really hard time reconciling how spoiled and nasty and cruel he was with the near-reverence with which Sirius and Remus speak of him, not to mention the fact that Lily eventually deemed him worthy of marriage, or that he died fighting honorably for the Order... He's a mess of contradictions. But because of all that, I imagine him as someone who was almost delusionally optimistic, with relentless confidence in himself to achieve the impossible (though this confidence was also kind of a cope, since I think his bullying of Snape points to some deep-seated insecurities). It takes an impressive amount of nerve to try to become an animagus at age twelve, and it takes an even more impressive amount of resolve to actually achieve it… Like, James was the type of guy to make impossible promises and then somehow manage to pull them off (at least, until he wasn’t). And I think this inability to be deterred was kind of infectious – deep down, all of the Marauders wanted to believe in themselves as much as James believed in himself (and to be fair, as much as James believed in them!) – and it was this magnetic personality that made him a such a big influence on his friends’ lives, even after his death. All that to say: I think James would be able to pull off the Patronus charm first out of sheer willpower alone
Who swears the most?
Sirius or James, I could go either way here... Sirius being super reserved and barely cursing as a result of his posh upbringing, or Sirius having a huge pottymouth because he’s rebelling against his posh upbringing... I could also see James swearing a lot, because my best explanation for his contradictory combination of awful personality + great politics is that Euphemia and Fleamont were rich old money hippies with overly lax parenting skills, and they would probably let their dearest baby boy curse up a storm at home. But I think the real answer to this question is Snape.
I suppose this excludes James, but we can swap him for Lily: who enjoyed watching Quidditch matches the most?
I think Peter. Though he would also be the most scared during Quidditch matches. Like he would be shrieking and ducking and covering his eyes and Sirius and Remus would be like “dude what’s wrong” and he’d be like “I thought James was gonna fall off his broom!” D: But his joy at Gryffindor winning, his pride in his talented Seeker friend who he looks up to (and let’s be real, likes being associated with), and perhaps most importantly, the feeling that he belongs to something larger than himself, a group of winners – yeah, he'd be into that. (Sidenote, this is why I think Remus wouldn’t really give a shit about Quidditch; he is incapable of seeing himself as someone who “belongs” to a group any larger than his close circle of friends. Not that he would never have moments of House pride, but they would most likely be brief and fleeting.) I could maybe see Sirius being into Quidditch too, if only for the competitive aspect, but I think it’s also possible that he could be rather indifferent about the whole affair. Maybe Sirius enjoyed Quidditch the most only if Gryffindor was beating the pants off of Slytherin (can I say that phrase or is it too similar to, well, you know…?). And Lily was probably just a casual Quidditch enjoyer imo, though I'm sure she enjoyed having an excuse to stare at James for a few hours when Gryffindor was playing.
Who had the coolest childhood bedroom? (This is very subjective, I know)
Honestly I don't think this is subjective at all because it's gotta be James, EASILY. Mommy and Daddy will buy him anything he asks for and they live in a gorgeous old manor. His room would have posters of famous Quidditch players flying nimbly through blue skies, hung up over ornate crimson wallpaper… a plush red and gold carpet over dark, lustrous wood floors… a huge window stretching almost to the tall ceiling, opening up to a lush garden, that he could leap out of on his broom whenever he pleased… oh my god, imagine his bedframe is gold and the headboard is like the three Quidditch hoops?! Yeah it’s James for sure
Who’s the most likely to be a good cook?
Maybe Sirius? Only because he canonically makes breakfast for the kids on Christmas morning? Hey, maybe he was cheffing it up for the Potters as a way to thank them for taking him in, who knows. I also like the idea of Lily being good at baking and bringing homemade cookies back to Hogwarts after every winter break (and of course, bringing some to Snape nearly every day of winter break).
Who’s good at fixing things?
I’m gonna go with Sirius because he’s a motorcycle guy. Idk, I could see him as someone who likes tinkering with things.
Who was always getting caught and who never got caught?
I mean, James was notorious for being a troublemaker, so I think he must have gotten caught a fair amount of times… And I think I have to say that it was Peter who never got caught, if only because it’s rather poetic.
Most likely to be a vegetarian?
I like to imagine Remus as a vegetarian because of my headcanon that one time as a kid he escaped from whatever werewolf containment he was in (I have sooo much more to say about the logistics of Remus’s parents dealing with his lycanthropy but hoo boy that’s another post) and in his excitement unknowingly killed a rabbit, and then he came to in the middle of the woods with blood all over his face and the taste of raw meat in his mouth and now he’s disgusted by meat <3. Though idk if that headcanon actually works because it still has to be true that werewolves don’t kill animals (otherwise that defeats the whole point of becoming animagi!). Idk werewolf lore is kind of fucked anyway (why does lycanthropy make Remus weak and ill but Greyback seems to be doing just fine?), so maybe I can chalk it up to erratic behavior as a result of being cooped up unnaturally, or because he was a baby werewolf so he was maybe just killing stuff out of curiosity, or maybe I don't even need a reason… idk. If this sounds bad just pretend I said James for hippie reasons and he’s always really annoying and pretentious about it
And no omg I do not think you are a creep, in fact I was watching some of my moots get these asks and I was like… sigh… I wonder if someone will send some to me… so thank you lol. Perhaps unsurprisingly I enjoy talking about the Thing I Like, and I am always happy to do so!!! (Even though sometimes it takes me awhile to respond.) And these questions in particular were really fun!
Thank you for the ask!
#rereading my answers was so funny to me it's either [detailed character analysis] or just [idk maybe sirius or something?]#can you tell who my least favorite marauder is lol. i'm not a sirius hater by any stretch but it must needs be remarked#that i have a hard time with him... i need to continue my reread and figure out what his whole deal is#a lot of times when i think about sirius as a character i feel like i'm just grasping at straws. idk i hope i'll figure him out eventually!#asks#my post#hp#marauders#james potter#sirius black#remus lupin#peter pettigrew#lily evans#marauders era#mwpp#mwpp era#hp marauders#the marauders#harry potter
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Can't stop thinking about unhealthy co-dependent teen!fireskulls..
#directly related to that Matryoshka idea i had#Pump's fear of abandonment (which stems from his parents leaving for work) leading him to do stupid and selfish things to try and assure#him that Skid won't leave him#spooky month#skid and pump#skid#sm skid#pump#sm pump#skump#fireskulls#au#skid x pump#the idea I'm having rn is that Skid starts to experience psychotic symptoms and depression#and he's like hm maybe i should go to the doctor about this#but Pump is immediately like oh my god please don't because he's scared that if Skid gets medicated he'll realise how ridiculous and chaoti#that Pump is and won't want to be his friend anymore#so yeah gaslight gatekeep girlboss ig#(none of it would be romanticised at all btw)#they deal with their turmoil in different ways#skid draws and spraypaints his ''personal monsters'' (hallucinations. he doesn't know that though) all over the place#pump destroys stuff with his hammer and sets shit on fire#so yeah if y'all like the sound of that incredibly angsty (and probably cringe) au then I'll draw something for it lol#i just want skid and pump to be a little fucked up when they get older okay#sm 6 hinted that their personalities are gonna change (them getting upset and wanting to be better)#so this au would be that but cranked up to the extreme#they're still very silly and spooky btw they're not like edgy broody teens i'm not that bad /lh#i guess the best way to describe it would be like...#you know jinx from arcane? imagine if her character was split in two. skid gets her psychosis and pump gets her chaos and violence#wow i accidentally reached the tag limit lmao
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ruthlessly deleting old 2021/2022 posts (not by me) from my dean studies tag like *click* un-incorporating that from my beliefs system! also the way SO many posts have me like ok uh-huh good aaand then say one completely wrong thing that loses me. it's so many posts.
#it's usually when they randomly drop some line of fanon. like saying dean has never admitted to being wrong in his life#or never expressed an emotion or been vulnerable or doesn't Talk About Feelings or is super duper RepressedTM#like i'm sorry. have you watched the show. oh and have you taken off the sammy POV goggles first?#bc this guy is always crying and being vulnerable and talking about his feelings. he is self-aware.#he may not always want to talk to sam abt things! but he sure does talk about things with other people#do i need to reblog the compilation posts AGAIN?#(also re: his sexualiy? AWARE. sorry i saw him flirt and be flustered by so many men. he knows how he feels.)#and then 'first time ever admitting to being wrong' this one came from a post abt dean's prayer in the trap#like i'm sorry but first of all. dean apologizes more than any other character on the show. there are hard numbers on this.#people have tracked this on spreadsheets. i think ilarual is one of them.#and often he is apologizing for things that aren't even his fault! but he still feels responsible for bc he's been made to feel that way#his whole life!!#other characters *cough samandcas *cough* apologizing Less doesn't mean they've Done less things wrong#it just means they're not owning up to it and brushing it under the rug. something both do frequently.#anyways. aside from apologies. dean also has no problem admitting he's wrong y'know when he's actually wrong#which is less often than you'd think bc he has pretty good instincts and intuition and often suspects things which turn out to be Right#but anyways. another thing abt the trap prayer is. i don't think cas Needed to be forgiven#i think dean was justified in feeling angry w cas over the circumstances leading to the Death of His Mother! totally normal grief response!#i think cas also understands dean to be someone who needs time to process and deal with his feelings (he says as much to jack)#however. despite me not think dean Needs to forgive cas. the thing is. with dean when it comes to cas the forgiveness is implicit#when he says /of course i forgive you/ and in the cut like /of course i wanted you to stay/ like. yes he was mad and dealing with grief#but also. yes cas was already forgiven even back then. he just needed Time to work through the feelings#anyways i think dean says he 'forgives' cas bc it's what CAS needed to hear to stop feeling guilty and dean gives him that closure#but i also think cas was already forgiven even in dean's anger. he wants him there always. i'd rather have you. we can fix this. etc etc#a lot of tags for a non-rebloggable post ajksdfs maybe i'll make these into a real post sometime#vic.txt#dean and feelings#so i can find this all again later
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hello!! i just want to tell you that your art is so goddamn scrumptious, you are literally feeding my xmen brainrot and I find myself smiling when i see your art come across my feed. I love how you draw charles, pretty privilege and post (lets be fr he's serving every time)
i hope you always have fantastic brainrot and id kiss your blessed hands for giving us the gift of cherik and charles xavier, you are literally an icon
hope you have a great day ahead of you and more!! you deserve it !!
well i'ma absolutely have a wonderful mornin after readin this AWWWW thank you so so much !!!! i haven't been postin xmen long, so it's been really heartwarmin seein the warm reception to my work in the wonderful tags people have been leavin on my posts- and especially gettin to answer the lovely asks y'all've been sendin in (❁´ ▽ `❁) !! im glad people also like my goofy text posts and esp quotes from my brother he really has no right being so funny at the most random times
i hope to be xmen posting a while: ive got at least 60 years worth of stuff to look through and ongoing, so i dont imagine my interest'll wane anytime soon :]] !!
#fave#snap chats#'xmen posting' is so generous ive been posting the same two freaks day in day out !!!!!!#my blog desc does not lie i am cherik posting near exclusively because these two have captivated my brain in such a diabolical manner#that doesnt mean i dont love the rest of the xmen cast ofc ..... its been fun getting back into this franchise more in depth this year#its funny honestly: i was more of an avengers kid growing up but like. by the SMALLEST technical margin#i Vaguely caught eps of 92 as a kid and i distinctly remember the 'real raven' scene from first class when i was a teen#because of course thats the one (1) scene i saw as a kid while channel surfing jELJEA like Hello mr lehnsherr. Your zesty turtleneck.#and mystique. hello. but it didnt really go any deeper than that ... until recently HIIIII#i missed the train like a mfer tho all Three of my friends had watched the xmen movies growing up but better late than never !!#i got into comics through my bro and he only really took me to see avengers movies and the like but avengers hasnt really. stuck with me#not in the way xmen has recently. maybe its cause im older idk i just find myself attached to it and more interested in it as a whole#BUT ENOUGH OF THAT PRATTLE thank you so much for the kind words !!! they really do mean a lot i'll cherish this ask forever#im very happy people like how i draw charles i love drawing him sm.... pretty privilege and post thats heinous vjlkjvALVJELKJ#BUT VERY TRUE HE'S ALWAYS HANDSOME THO i love me a bald mfer im so serious this is no game#dark phoenix gets my ire for having mcavoy be bald the whole time but then i have to deal with The Rest Of The Movie#he just looks so good .... i mean Granted but he just looks especially good ... do we catch my cold ... ill stop now ...#point is i look forward to drawing charles many more times in the future Bald Or Not with his ex by his side <3#i dont even wanna post this i just wanna keep readin it. and replyin to it vJEALKAEJKL BUT i must thank you ... so thank you !!!#i hope to continue makin the people happy with my silly postings :]]]
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post depressive episode clarity like what the fuck do you mean they'll never disappear, just fade.
#mine#tw: sh#i'll be a 30yo woman a 40yo woman a 50yo woman a 60yo woman and someday an old woman with SCARS ON MY ENTIRE LEGS?? like forever????#and i KNOW i broke through enough skin layers for these to never heal entirely like catscratches do#forever? for real? like the rest of my days? i'm never gonna have a healthy clean body like everyone else ever again?#it's THAT easy to just throw it away forever in a second?#i'm gonna be sick#what the fuck man#like both shoulders both thighs both calves entirely ruined#what the actual. fuck.#FUCK.#the awful part of the last year is over thank god#it was an episode lasting from like idk january until#august maybe#i think i'm finally feeling better#but i was really looking into legal psychiatric euthanasia there. drafting my fucking mail to the Dying With Dignity type companies#cause i went to a shrink who told me that i have bpd and while i didn't believe him#fact of the matter is that in some eu countries you're allowed to get euthanized for that. so .#but that doesn't matter i'm a bit better now i'm not thinking about it as much anymore#but it sickens me that#not only do i have to fucking take it alone#but i also have to deal with a lifetime of ridicule disgust “turn off” and pity afterwards#my own best friend told me to make sure to cover up when we slept at a relative's#and i felt it was ridiculous that anyone could even judge me negatively based on the scars when it's me who had to deal with this shit#not them!! and clearly it wasn't fucking easy!!! like if anyone it's not you who's getting hurt from this!!!!!!#i asked her whether she would ever be thrown off by seeing healed scars#and in the coldest tone she replied 'No but I would not know how to explain that to my kids.'#the relatives did not. in fact. have kids.
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Not me looking through my blog and moots games and missing sims 4.
#simblr#sims meme#meme#the sims 4#hot and cold#yes and no#am i just a katy perry song?#what is this toxic ass relationship i have with this game#i really just miss my stories and my sims#ugh i don't know what to do#i want to play the game and keep writing#but i don't want to deal with the bugs#but i feel like if i don't play with mods#i won't have bugs#but if i don't have mods#then i'll be bored#and i can't decide if i really like the game or if i'm just bored#i don't play it and i'm missing it#i'm so exhausting#i do play it and i can't tell if i'm enjoying it#i went back to sims 2#and it wasn't the same#AND I MISSED THE SIMS 4#and actally thought well maybe there are things I do really like about sims 4 and am I just being too hard on it#can anyone else relate?#idk anymore#kaity b ramble#non sims#might delete later#random thoughts from kaity
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Was doing okay holding back all of the fear re: the potential election outcome until literally this second what the fuck to my brain lmao
#wherein lmao means I'm so scared and i cant stop crying rn#no one should have to fear this. not me nor anyone else nor the ppl who have already had to flee their homes worldwide#a person shouldn't have to worry abt violence being enacted upon them bc of who they are which like#obvi isn't a new concept to myself and most ppl but i feel like the folks who'll vote Trmp don't care for it#won't affect them in theory after all so of course they don't care#Housemate and I are trying to figure out where we could go and how in case of the worst#and it's not even the first time I'll have had to leave a place bc of safety reasons (two nickles on that already in my life)#but it doesn't make it any less daunting#i just want to live my life in our little house with Housemate and the cats working my shit job and trying to enjoy whatever i can#none of this matters and im shouting into a void full of equally terrified ppl dealing with this themselves if not worse#these tags don't make sense entirely and i don't care. i have things I should be doing and I'm sitting in my room#paralysed by fear over all of this#i should distract myself but with what? at what point do i accept the distractions can only do so much?#maybe I'll just take a nap again. idk. feels weird and wrong to play a video game or nap ordo anything that isn't trying to research options#i need to stop rambling here like im hoping time will pause while i type im out again lmao
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Actually, on the topic of the baby fever. God it's so frustrating. Bc when I was like 14 ish I was Adamant that I never ever wanted kids. And my dad said smth around the lines of "that'll likely change" (probably from his own experience with this) and I was like NO. it WONT.
And then eventually, age 21-22 ish, I admitted that Okay, I still don't want to have my own kids, but someday maybe I'll adopt...
And Now, 27 years old, I got the general baby fever on occasion. It Did fucking change. And I don't know if I actually WILL bother with having my own kid (I still don't want to go through the hassle and massive body changes). But god. I do see a fucking baby and feel that stab of longing. It's almost like my damned hormones betrayed me or smth. Maddening!
I shall simply write fanfic about it.
#speculation nation#pregnancy ment/#honestly though i hadnt felt the wish to have my own until after my dad died#and i realized just how small our family is getting. and just felt this stab of NEED. to continue the line. continue the family.#my family's fucking dying around me i need to add to it. need more family. yknow?#so i dont actually know if this is. because of hormones or because of grief or What#but it was enough for me to put the hysterectomy idea on hold. bc id been genuinely considering it back in like. april? or so.#but then this happened and now im like. fuck dude. i dont know. but the uncertainty's enough to keep me from doing it.#yeah i dont wanna deal with periods anymore. but also. i need more time to decide.#i think no matter what i do want to raise kids someday. once im more stable (financially and emotionally)#but whether thats adoption or putting myself thru fuckin body torture. well i'll just have to decide. later.#maybe the deciding factor will be my own body aging lol. if i wait too long. my body will decide for me. who knows!#i Have thought about what id do if i got accidentally pregnant. especially relevant back when i was sleeping with a trans woman#and used to be id abort no hesitation. but well. i mean abortions illegal here anyways rn so id have to go to another state#but if i decided it i could make it work. it's not That far of a trip.#but. when i thought about it. the concern was less about the theoretical baby. and more about finishing school.#thinking 'man itd be fucking awful to finish school if i got pregnant right now'. but not. hesitating over the baby.#if i was out of school and relatively stable and i got accidentally pregnant. then. well. Maybe.#so me doing my dad vash au where he gets accidentally pregnant and goes all in with it#thats me. sorting out my feelings on it i guess. putting them somewhere.#idk. it's a lot to think about. i dont want to condemn a child to my genetic problems. but at the same time...#i dont know. To Be Decided Later.
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Sometimes I forget I have oc's and when I do remember it's like, "OH I FORGOT ABOUT YOU GUYS.... come here babies 🥰🥰🥰"
My oc's, not knowing whether to expect me to fixate on the same oc's or trauma: 🧍
My favourite pass time aside from being a fool in love with my f/o's is thinking about my oc's and being a fool in love with like... Two of them lmfao
Love how I have nearly a whole world and lore in my head about my oc's and I just never talk about it (unless you're my gf then you immediately get lore bombed)
#: ̗̀➛ 𝖔𝖗𝖎𝖔𝖓 rambles ✧˖*°࿐#I don't talk about my oc's but I do have an oc f/o#He is literally made for me (get it? Because I made him lmao)#My traumatised vampire lover 😔😔#Lowkey he has the personality of Yumi and I find that oddly weird#Was not my intention to make him like that but 😀 they are the same#Then there's my god oc that's just 😩😩 love him so much#And we can't forget about ares#The one and only who has to deal with my s/i on an hourly basis#I have too many oc's that are good looking#I get fixated on ilyas nameless duo and the cornelius fam quite often#Except this year it seems 🤔#Haven't really fixated on my oc's in a while#Maybe I'll introduce my oc's to yall eventually 🤔#Specifically Ilyas and Nameless god since I love these two beyond my own comprehension lol
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god artists really do just pass around the same $20 bill cause dude over half my clients are other artists 😭 and usually they're the ones that tip well!! i just wish i could afford to also commission other artists and buy stuff from their shops!
#as soon as i get my grants/scholarships im gonna buy some shit from artists i like#i gotta get some things for my wall cause i live in an empty white box#im going to a zine fest soon too so im excited to talk to local artists!!#gonna splurge on 1 big poster or something#i hope someone's selling sculpted magnets or other unique decorations#i gotta make a list of ppl i wanna buy from#idk if I'll commission anyone tho cause that's a whole other deal and more expensive#idk what i would commission#it'd have to be something from an artist who can draw that thing wayyyy better than i ever could#enough to justify me spending over $50-100 cause you know im not gonna pay pennies even if they're undercharging#i swear if i had a regular job id spend money on art every month#genuinely i think my ideal achievable life rn is working a head empty office job 30 hrs a week and doing art the rest of the time#building streams of casual income until i have enough to pivot to full-time art again MAYBE#but from what ive heard from post college full time artists... that shits hard and confusing and stressful...#these tags rly lost the plot huh...#just rambling#not art
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