#so many variations for one ship... good grief

[troublemakergalaxy]

i wrote a fic for the first time in too long. im not uber proud of it but go gay people we love serrennedy in this household

@wisecrackingeric-2 :3 hi here's my day 1 contribution i decided to participate LOL

[wheremermaidsdwell]

Fic Writer Interview

Tagged by @lavellenchanted

tagging @intosnarkness @hsavinien

How many works do you have on ao3?

58. 18 of those posted since summer 2023. Also some of my works are fanvids, although most of my fanvids are just on my youtube.

What’s your total word count?

442,507! Almost half of that is one fic lol

What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

How Not to Drown (Hellcheer)

(Don't Let Me Get) What You Want (Hellcheer)

Far Less Alone (Keyleth/Vax)

Butterflies (Jester introspective, Fjorester)

The Only One I Ever Saved (Hellcheer, Companion to How Not to Drown)

Do you respond to comments? Why/why not?

I used to not reply bc I thought it was considered rude on ao3! I don't know where I got this idea but I thought you were 'inflating your numbers' so I didn't do it. Now I DO reply which I think makes everyone much happier and I really enjoy interacting with my readers!

What's the fic you've written with the angstiest ending?

So. I'm a happy ending person. I write angst with happy endings. However I do have Missat. Which is based off speculation and clues that maybe having babies is hard for asgardians aka miscarriage fic so it's all about loss and there's no magical healing or anything it's just grief

What's the fic you've written with the happiest ending?

That's gotta be Too Sweet. Hellcheer style Scoops Ahoy ad made me write the CUTEST date fic and torture Chrissy in the process and it's just pure spun sugar.

Do you write crossovers?

not unless we're counting crossing comic/mcu canon but I'm not opposed to it! Also my witch!chrissy fic idea borrows from Critical Role which is my next project that I'm planning to start in january....

Have you ever received hate on a fic?

No! I did once get someone come right onto my tumblr post and go 'i don't think eddie would have [x] but otherwise i liked it a lot' and dear tumblrite you can keep that shit to yourself lol.

Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Yes. Too much arguably. There's far too much smut in WYW but i didn't know how to remove it and eh, no one complained.

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I know of! Hopefully never.

Have you ever had a fic translated?

Not that I know of..

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

I have written in the same universe as a friend but not co written a singular fic. I however have RPed for years so like. basically? I mean there is sooooo much rp on my sif blog lol.

What's your all-time favourite ship?

based on my output it's Hellcheer. No one else has taken over my brain this way. I do however also have to say Thorsif. They are my eternal loves.

What's a WIP that you want to finish but don't think you ever will?

jokes on you I don't post WIPs. I do have a DND au in my docs that i really like the idea of but once i got into it i'm not sure if it's working. so probably that. I also worry about ever finishing my season 4 rewrite. that's a matter of picking it and writing it, but I plan to get a new job and ANY new job will mean less writing time.

What are your writing strengths?

dialogue, and I think I'm very good at writing convincing emotional arcs!

What are your writing weaknesses?

Descriptions *hides*

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

I think it depends heavily on purpose and canon. If you need your readers to understand the other language than you have to have a way of translation, which can be difficult if you're doing anything longer than a word or two that the fandom might already know by osmosis. I haven't had to deal with multiple languages in fics much, thankfully, so I don't know all the options.

What was the first fandom you wrote for?

Gundam Wing.

What's a fandom/ship you haven't written for yet but want to?

I have an unfinished Briarwoods backstory fic that in an ideal world i would finish and post

What's your favourite fic you've written?

This is hard because there's a lot of variation in my fic writing but I think it has to go to How Not to Drown which, while the pacing is a little funky, is pure teen drama in your veins and is a story that means a lot to me.

[kirric-the-fan]

Encanto Pirate AU!

Here it is, my Encanto Pirate au!

Summary: A magical family sailing the seas on their good ship Casita, lead by the fiery weather witch Pepa, and her first mate/right hand knife Julieta.

So instead of Alma and Pedro coming from an inland city, they came from a coastal village (somewhat earlier in time) instead, that tries to survive between the smuggling that goes on in the area. They got by without hassle for the most part, but on the day the triplets were born, some raiders came and attacked the village.

With thick jungle on all sides, the villagers fled to the docks, only to find their boats had all been set on fire, or scuttled. As a desperate last escape, they charged onto the raiders ship, taking it over.

As they were trying to leave, Pedro fought to keep the last few raiders off the ship. He ended up grappling with one of the raiders, and got fatally wounded, falling from the ship. Newborn triplets still in hand, Alma dropped to the floor in her grief, and the magic bloomed, the explosion blowing away the rest of the raiders and sending the ship safely way out to sea. In the silence of the ocean, the magic blossomed, bringing the ship to life around them. The magic cumulating in the creation of a flag with a flaming burgundy heart.

The villagers stayed on the safety of the ship, their new home (jokingly called their Casita, but the name stuck), with Alma as their captain, the magic helping keep them ahead of trouble, and showing them where to find (and take) what they needed.

When the triplets turned five, they received their gifts from the ship too, using them to help protect the miracle and their people. With their gifts, they became more daring, building up their forces, experience and wealth as they fought for their corner of the seas.

As they got older, Pepa and Julieta both found husbands, and eventually had kids of their own.

The grandchildren grew, and in turn got gifts too.

Well...most of them did. :)

Each Madrigal grows up on The Casita, learning the ropes, and getting a gift when they turn five. The seas are spotted with islands, and ripe with other pirates, smugglers, and competing and interlinking factions and alliances that change all the time. The Madrigals are comparatively small, but their magic makes them a force to be reckoned with, with rumours going around that The Casita can disappear and reappear at a whim. (They're just using fog cover)

The family & their abilities (some variations from canon):

Pepa: controls the weather. Defacto captain. It was her idea to steal the casita away against Alma's wishes and continue being pirates when she wanted to settle down.

Julieta: heals with her food. Which means she can easily heal sword and knife wounds, if she chooses. She doesn't always. This Julieta is a lot less of a cinnamon roll darker and more bloodthirsty than canon: When she was young, found that if she makes a sort of chewing gum, it lets her heal herself constantly, essentially making her invulnerable in a fight. And she has made full use of it, becoming very good at fighting, and also very reckless and scary in the process (who needs to be careful about getting stabbed if it's just gonna heal the next second?). She enjoys fighting, especially the looks of terror on their enemies when they realise the scary knife lady will not go down and is still coming for them. (At least with a lightning bolt you have the opportunity to duck.) She has many knives about her person at any one time (she sometimes claims they're all collected from various times she'd been stabbed too, but that's usually an exaggeration). Julieta is often the one out doing the hands-on dirty work, helping finish the fights her sister started (or the fights that got started on her sister. Or brother.) She's very protective of her family, and still quite quiet and motherly (she can still heal people when she needs to). She cooks, but tries not to spend too much time in the galley. She also makes a habit of collecting herbs and flowers for use in her cooking when they have shore excursions. Literally can't make poisons bc of her gift.

Félix: merman Pepa found. He's in love with her, happy to stick around above water for her, and she likes him too.

Pepa brings merman Félix aboard.

Julieta is lounging to one side playing with a knife. She looks up. "Who's the sushi?"

Agustín was an unfortunate traveller/musician who got 'recruited' into their crew on one of their raids. He is still an absolute city boy, and really bad at sailing and constantly falling off things. They tell him he can go to Julieta for healing, if he dares (she has a bit of a reputation for being mean/refusing). He goes, and asks, and for some reason she always seems to give him healing food where she'd shout at others and send them away. Julieta hears him play music, and that really gains their favour. When he wants to impress her, he gets rid of his waistcoat to become more practically dressed for a sailor to show his commitment to staying with the crew, but Julieta reveals she actually quite liked the waistcoat.

Pepa, seeing Agustín fall out of the rigging or getting washed overboard for the hundredth time. "Really? You like that one?"

Julieta: "You're one to talk." (Pan to Felix sat in a large nearby barrel of water and making goo-goo eyes at Pepa)

Bruno is still very much like his canon self and still sees the future. But he's kinda just along for the ride and not part of the action (except to help with a vision). Sometimes he finds himself in the corner of bar fights with his sisters back to back in the middle duking it out against everyone else and he's keeping out of it, except for occasionally braining someone with a vision tablet when the opportunity passes within reach.

Grandkid roundup!

Julieta's side:

Isabela: I think her power would shift slightly, having control over ropes (and rope-like items) instead of plants. She often helps fix up the sails, and has learned how to be very good at swordfighting from her tia. She wants to take command of her own crew some day, but struggles to prove herself to the captain (is being quietly blocked from going, and doesn't have anywhere up left to go on the casita). Her frustration often ends up directed towards Mirabel.

Luisa: Strength/invulnerability. Big but still a soft soul, and prefers to do the hands on shipwork as opposed to going out and fighting. Would happily spend her days curled up in a hammock with a book, but there's always work to do, and she's very dedicated to helping her family.

Mirabel: Giftless, and just as messy as her canon self, but she's learnt how to be a phenomenal sailor/ship's boy/fighter/tactician all in an effort to secure her place on the ship, having been barred from the crew after not getting a gift. (She later snuck back onboard and negotiated her way to staying by agreeing to help look after Antonio.)

Pepa's kids:

All of Pepa's kids can breathe and swim very well underwater thanks to their pa. They're not full merpeople, though Camilo is most comfortable in a merman form.

Dolores: Siren song. She can use her singing voice to manipulate/daze other people. Doesn't use it often as it can effect everyone who hears it. She has a soft spot for 'the village boy with the silly poems' as her mother calls him. Struggles with romatic relationships (even though she wants one) because people always assume she's just using her gift.

Camilo: Shapeshifting- people and merpeople. Works hard for the family, but a bit confused as to who he is- he feels more comfortable in a merman version of himself.

Antonio: Talking to animals, especially water creatures (incl seabirds). Just as adorable as canon, and absolute king.

And also:

Abuela Alma: was with the group of townsfolk who stole the raiders ship to try and get away when their town was attacked. Pedro's sacrifice to help them turned the ship into the magical casita. Alma was pirate & captain for a while, but has now retired.

Casita: Is now a ship. Instead of doors, when a Madrigal turns five, the magic concentrates in a part of the ship that relates to their gift (Julieta had the galley, Luisa had the anchor, Isabela- the rigging, etc). They touch the magic and get their gift. The magic flies high in their flag (currently a half sun on gold pennant). Casita is active, but less involved than canon: the crew still has to work to sail and steer the ship. Casita can help fix itself after damage from fights, and doesn't seem to mind getting into scraps.

Soo uhh yeah!! I somehow already have a plot planned for what I think would go down for the 'movie' as it were, although I'm not sure if I'll get round to writing it anytime soon. Askbox is open if you wanna hit me up with any q's (I don't bite!)

(Want more pirate au content? Links can all be found here or under the 'kirric's encanto pirate au' tag)

[nevertheless-moving]

My actual point writing this here is that a year into the war when Obi-Wan (36) starts really bonding with Cody (14/28) he feels super weird about it on a bunch of levels because its Cody who’s loyal and hot and smart but does this make Obi-Wan a creep? Or is it more offensive not to sleep with him? (Not to mention it’s easier to think about consent in terms of numbers then the insane command structure and slavery thing because they’ve got a pretty healthy relationship all things considered and he’s already promoting the man as fast as possible anyway but clones have no legal rights) 

Obi-Wan sleeps around with various terrible choices, sexual tension builds. FINALLY after two years of war they get stuck in a cave, naturally huddle for warmth, things escalate positively and Obi-Wan’s like WAIT I CAN’T

There’s some horny exasperation, but they care about each other, and don’t want to sour what they have with regrets. Eventually Cody (15/30 at cave time) and Obi-Wan agree to wait another 3 years so they’ll both be at the legal human age of consent and the age difference will drop to just 4 years. By then the war will be over anyway, right? So the whole jedis-own-the-clones thing that’s really underneath all this will HAVE to be resolved. 

They spend the rest of the night cuddling with uncomfortable boners.

Another year passes. Lots of longing glances, lingering hand touches, tender bandaging of wounds, suggestive lightsaber holds...you know. YOU  K N O W. Plus a little private teasing about the jailbait thing because they’re literally running a war together

Order 66. 

When asked, CC-2224 can’t believe he ever considered himself close to a traitor. He doesn’t think about it the rest of the time. 

Obi-Wan has plenty of regrets. This is probably the easiest one to bear, and the only one that makes him smile to think of.

Things could have been left at that, but once Fulcrum disseminates the knowledge on exactly why the clones turned, a number of early rebellion task-forces dedicate themselves to de-chipping/disabling the chips. Beyond the whole sentient rights thing, its good tactical sense. They’re a well placed MAJOR military asset that could quickly start providing immediate returns if suborned. Worst case you’ve just activated a number of extremely effective suicide bombers

It takes over a year and a lot of good men die, but a desperate rebel cell manages to infiltrate purge trooper barracks. They go undiscovered just long enough to plant a few extremely well-calibrated electrical devices. Bomb sweep fails to register them. The whole terrorist group is wiped out of course, but the EMPs activate overnight as planned. Massive damage to Imperial Military resources and overly hasty brain surgery follows.

Like I said, a lot of good men die. 

But Cody, now that his head is more or less his own, has a little more hope than the average CC (not a lot, but enough to stave off going out in a blaze of glory). General Kenobi’s body was never found after all. He knows- he looked.

He quickly joins up with the Onderran campaign- he can’t go on many imperial raids- he understands that his brothers would rather die than live as they are but that doesn’t mean he can pull the trigger. But black ops? yeah. Rumour is they’ve even got a Jedi on the next mission- he’d be irritated at the bad operational security but that specific rumour passes around so often its essentially useless to spies anyway.

Team members are independently directed to assemble at a safe house, their arrivals deliberately staggered. Cody steals and ditches two different ships, not to mention spends a week in a sewer, before finally arriving. Organa himself had stressed that one of the crew is taking time off of a top-secret long-term protection detail for this and no chances are to be taken with being tracked. 

He arrives late at night, with two days left to spare.

Two unknown near-human fighters (Guerra trained by the looks), a Mon-Calamari smuggler, and a Gand mercenary who he’s fairly confident used to work for the separatists greet him cordially enough at entry; his reputation proceeds him. If anything, the former Marshall Commander of the 7th Sky Corps is overqualified for this sort of mission. He’s vaguely pleased to find another trooper present- a heavily scarred arc commando wearing 187th colors. The commando is actually smiling, seated across from and deep into conversation with a robed figure,

Cody’s heart jumps to his throat. Their conversation halts. Everyone watches. And General Kenobi slowly turns to face him. The air’s too heavy with tension for the others to think about leaving discretely, even if they were willing (the chips are a poorly-understood open secret at this point, and the five bystanders are well trained enough to brace themselves for the worst case reunion).

“Cody,” Obi-Wan says softly. “It’s good to see you.” 

The Jedi looks terrible. In the two and a half years since the end of the war and the start of the empire, the man seems to have aged faster than a botched clone. 

He’s using his stupid earnest voice where he means what he’s saying and its important that Cody know that. Like he’s actually, truly happy to see Cody even after what the clones did to their Jedi. Even after what Cody tried to do to Obi-Wan. Cody’s had plenty of time to think of what he might say if he ever saw the man again, but he hadn’t used it- it was too painful to imagine anything personal anymore. What apology could be enough? What right did he have to express grief in the face of Obi-Wan’s unfathomable loss? To Cody’s absolute horror, what comes out his mouth is

"I’m not jailbait anymore, you know.”

The words hang in the air, and Cody is now ready to die. Maybe if he moves suddenly enough one of their captive audience members will reflexively shoot him. 

Sure, after their long talk in that cave, Cody had spent an unhealthy amount of time daydreaming variations on ‘I’m a real man now we gonna fuck or what’

but that was before he became a kriffing PURGE TROOPER what the actual hells was wrong with his brain 

Obi-Wan...Obi-Wan blinks rapidly. Then grins. It was honest delight mixed with Negotiator smarm crossed with an about-to-get-laid-leer.

Cody’s heart starts back up with a vengeance.

“I’m afraid I haven’t the faintest idea what you’re talking about it,” Obi-Wan drawls. He shifts in his seat, straightening from a weary hunch to lean back cockily, hands behind his head and legs spreading even wider than their customary sprawl. 

“Oh, did I miss your 18th decant day? I’m ever so sorry my dear, I do hope I can make it up to you somehow. Incidentally, have I ever mentioned that contrary to popular opinion, the Jedi Code doesn’t actually require celibacy?”

Cody let out a strangled noise at the pickup line that had, almost impressively, become even less tasteful since the last time he heard it. He must have moved forward somehow, because the next thing he knew the General’s chair was toppling back and his legs were wrapped around the Jedi’s waist and Obi-Wan’s tongue was doing incredible things to the inside of his mouth. There's a sense of hasty movement, the slam of a door, then a bed.

-

The next morning, Cody stares intently at the briefing’s logistical diagrams, carefully avoiding everyone else’s eyes. There was next-to-no-chance that their moaning and thudding had gone unheard. But they were all professionals, not to mention used to people letting off tension in high stress environments.

He does, however, desperately hope that everyone somehow missed the hours of incoherent crying that interrupted and followed otherwise fantastic sex. 

Plans are finalized, weapons are loaded, and comms are distributed. Two more rebels arrive. Pre-mission banter stays fairly tame, even after claiming one of the two bedrooms for themselves for a second and not significantly quieter night.

All things considered, when it comes time to establish operational codes, they don’t really have it in them to put up a fight against their unanimously designated callsigns.

They are a little less gracious on future missions when the code names repeatedly return.

 Nearly two decades later, at the physical ages of 72 and 58 respectively, Cody and Obi-Wan have more or less resigned themselves to being officially introduced as 'jailbait’ and ‘cradlerobber.’ 

[xiyao-feels]

So, this started off as a shipping bingo for MDZS nie//lan; I've added the bingo meme above so that you know what you're getting into. What it evolved into, however, is several thousand words of close reading of the NMJ+LXC relationship, getting some into the 3//zun dynamics and comparing it with LXC and JGY's relationship to help demonstrate my point. If that sounds interesting to you, read away! Fair warning: as you might gather from the bingo above I am not very gentle, not only on the idea of a romantic relationship but also on their friendship.

Originally, I imagined I'd be saying something like, while of course they were very good friends and LXC grieves for NMJ, there's no evidence of romantic interest. But I wanted to look over the scenes first, to get a handle on them properly and to pick out some quotes; and what I found, when I looked at it closely, startled me—I couldn't believe how little there actually was.

My methodology for this review, by the way: I searched the entire text for every variation on their name I could think of, and then read over the chapter for chapters they were both mentioned in. I also reviewed chapters where only one of them is mentioned (that's how I caught the reference in ch 16, where NMJ is only referred to as NHS' brother). I might have missed something, or I might have read it and not registered it, etc etc. I definitely don't have JGY's memory XP But I've done my best to be thorough.

Also, a heads up: while I've done a little bit of addressing NMJ's emotions, this is mostly focused on what LXC feels, because otherwise this would be even more ridiculously long and because that's where my interest lies.

I'll state my conclusions up front, in case you just want to know what I think and not have to wade through [mumble] thousand words to get there. But it's far enough off from even the standard non-shippy take on their relationship that I really did think it was worth walking through the evidence.

It seems to me that while NMJ and LXC were to some extent close before the war, they grew apart during the war and very much so afterwards. There are a few moments that suggest NMJ might feel unusually tender towards LXC, there is nothing similar on LXC's part, and frankly their post-Sunshot interactions that we see suggest that—while LXC certainly cares about him—he does not at all feel close to him.

Moreover, his personal grief for NMJ's death, and whatever personal betrayal he may feel about JGY killing his, LXC's, friend, are not the drivers of his emotional difficulties with respect to JGY.

Okay, now the evidence. This has been divided up into two parts, NMJ alive and NMJ dead.

Pt I: NMJ alive

LXC and NMJ were friends before Sunshot; while we don't have a lot of evidence to guess how close they were, we can certainly see signs of long familiarity with each other in their later interactions, and it's worth noting that we don't see either of them having other friends beyond, in LXC's case, JGY.*

*NMJ got along with his subordinate MY very well, but except for one incident it was purely in the context of a superior/subordinate relationship, and he does not seem to have been interested in MY as a person, so I'm not classing them as friends.

Nevertheless, during Sunshot, we can see LXC begin to grow apart from him, and in their post-Sunshot interactions they start not very close and end up quite distant. By the time if NMJ's death, it's clear that while LXC cares about him, he is not emotionally close to him at all.

A brief discussion of NMJ's feelings, before I spend most of the rest of the post focusing on LXC's. As I mentioned above, LXC seems to be NMJ's only friend, and he does react to him in ways he doesn't really seem to anyone else. In the teacups scene, for example, we're told that "while Nie MingJue had never been one for humor," nevertheless "in front of Lan XiChen, his expression eased." Later, towards the end of the stairs incident, LXC is able to dissuade him from immediately pursuing JGY's death, which I believe is as much as we see anyone ever do with NMJ's anger. Finally, in ch 46, when LXC and LWJ are playing music to deal with NMJ's headless corpse, WWX thinks that NMJ might particularly be responding to LXC playing Liebing: "Wei WuXian didn’t know if it was only his imagination, but as soon as the soft, serene tone of the xiao appeared, the corpse’s movement paused. For a moment, he seemed to have stood still and listened, then turned around, as though he wanted to see who was the one playing the music."

If you wanted to say that NMJ has romantic or quasi-romantic feelings about LXC, then I don't think that would be an unreasonable extrapolation from the text, although I also don't think it's a necessary one; friendship and minor romantic feelings are I think pretty much equally fair readings.

Even so, LXC is not his priority; rather, he prioritizes NHS and (probably not unrelatedly) JGY's moral rectitude. In Ch  48, the friendly 3zun conversation only happens because NMJ was seeking LXC out to bring him NHS' saber, which he'd left behind, and when he qi deviates it's NHS and not LXC who manages to bring him some calm just before he dies, and whose features he can recognize (ch 50). At the Phoenix Mountain Hunt (ch 69-70), we see no sign that either he or LXC sought each other out, and on those occasions we do see NMJ initiate discussion with LXC it's usually about JGY's moral rectitude (ch 73, his sarcastic remark about JGY's hard work after the conference about WWX; ch 49, his interjection during the guqin scene; ch 49, the beginning of the stairs incident). 

And what about what LXC feels? Let's take a close look at the progression of their relationship.

In chapter 16, when NHS is studying at Cloud Recesses, we see LXC run into him and convey NMJ's query into his studies, having apparently recently returned from Qinghe. While he doesn't say what he was doing there, it seems reasonable to infer that he was either visiting NMJ or at least visited him while he was there. (ETA: NHS also hopes that LXC will put in some good words for him to NMJ, which also suggests that he expects they'll be in contact.) This establishes a baseline of closeness from before the war, however much they drift apart during and after. However, we never see any of their interactions before the war, or anything else about their relationship; this is all we get.

The high point of the NMJ and LXC interactions that we see on page happen during Sunshot, where we see them have three conversations (all in ch 48). High point, however, is a relative phrase. In order, there's the teacups scene; there's their conversation (including MY) after NMJ agrees to release MY from his service, with a recommendation letter no less; and there's their conversation where NMJ recounts what happened with MY in Langya.

Let's start with the teacups scene. NMJ and LXC do talk, but it's part of a group conversation with other cultivators—at least three and as many as six of whom we see interject,* one of whom is another sect leader—and it seems mostly about practical or immediate matters. The exchange on the page isn't long and "Soon afterward, Lan XiChen and the rest stood up" and are led to their resting areas by MY. Moreover, interestingly, it's NMJ who asks all the questions; LXC answers him, but doesn't ask him questions in turn, or comment on his situation. 

*there are two separate occasions where there cultivators per chime in

(Note also that the focus of the conversation suggests that NMJ and LXC aren't communicating extensively through letters or anything, as does LXC not knowing MY is NMJ's deputy. I don't think this is hugely significant, given that there's a war on and presumably they don't want information leaking everywhere and LXC doesn't seem to have a fixed address, but it does seem worth noting—as does the implication, perhaps more significant, that LXC only stops at Hejian when he's escorting other cultivators: "Everytime Lan XiChen passed Hejian as he was escorting other cultivators, he would rest shortly[.]")

NMJ and LXC's conversation in the teacups scene stands in really stark contrast to the conversation between LXC and MY that NMJ is about to overhear. That conversation is very much private; it's in LXC's private resting area, and MY is sitting in the presence of Zewu-Jun. The conversation is sort of about the war, but really only as it relates to MY's dream of "earn[ing] a proper place in the LanlingJin Sect" and "receiv[ing] the approval of [his] father." The very first thing we hear LXC say is a comment on MY's situation ("What a coincidence. You joined MingJue-xiong’s force and became his deputy")! He is of course going to go on to raise the possibility of MY going to Langya (to serve his father), and independently volunteer to talk to NMJ if NMJ isn't willing to let MY go. And even after NMJ joins them, some things are kept private between LXC and MY; when he asks them how they know each other, LXC refuses to answer, and then when he asks MY to answer as LXC will not, MY also refuses him, since LXC doesn't want it spoken.

The two conversations are simply very different, in a way that suggests a strong contrast between LXC's feelings for and interest in NMJ and LXC's feelings for and interest in MY. It's also worth noting, as I mentioned above, that it seems that NMJ sought LXC out because he was bringing LXC NHS' sabre, so LXC can bring it on to NHS. 

Now, let's look at the conversation the three of them have after NMJ volunteers to give MY a letter of recommendation and send him to serve his father in Langya. This conversation is, I think, the high point of the interactions they have that we actually see. LXC expresses a positive evaluation of NMJ: "Look, I told you that MingJue-xiong would respect your decision." He smiles at NHS' sabre, and responds directly to NMJ. And then of course there's this famous paragraph:

The three chatted back and forth, at times serious, yet at times light. The conversation was much more relaxed than when they had been in the living room. Listening to their chatter, Wei WuXian often wanted to get a word in as well, yet he was unable to do so.

That said...well. Again, there's nothing about anything here that suggests romance, and if you look at the reasons I give for it being the high point, that's not actually very high. As to the paragraph—again, I do think they're friends! But I think it's also noteworthy that the easiest conversation we see/hear about them having is one that is early in the war,* and where MY is also present, and one where NMJ has just done something good for MY.

*MY is noted as having joined the Nie forces "right after" Sunshot begins, and to have been promoted to NMJ's deputy after not many interactions; LXC also seems surprised at least by MY being NMJ's deputy, which suggests that he hasn't stopped there before while this was the case, and he comes by in the paragraph immediately after MY is promoted. Finally, after MY vanishes after his confrontation with NMJ in Langya, we're told that "during the next few years" no traces could be found of him. All taken together, this suggests to me that MY was NMJ's deputy for 1-2 months early in the war, and the conversation of course takes place at the very end of that period

(As ever, I recommend confusion-and-more's close reading of the second scene, here.)

The next interaction that's mentioned in the text is after MY tricks and immobilizes NMJ and flees, when NMJ describes what happened with him to LXC. I think it's worth noting exactly how the exchange is introduced:

Even when Lan XiChen had the time to assist Langya, a few days later, his anger hadn’t died down one bit. As soon as he came, Lan XiChen laughed, “MingJue-xiong, what a temper you seem to be in. Where is Meng Yao? Why does he not come and douse your flames?”

"As soon as he came," note! It seems to be literally the first thing LXC says. And while it is a comment on NMJ's state, its primary function seems to be as a lead-in to asking about the state/whereabouts of MY. Their exchange as the text shows us is /entirely/ about MY, and he's clearly the focus of LXC's interest. We also have this from LXC, which I think is interesting as it shows the contrast between his morality and NMJ's:

"Judging from his words, the person whom he killed had definitely done wrong. However, he should not have taken his life either. We are in harsh times, so it is quite difficult to determine who was at fault."

Their next interaction is in chapter 49, LXC defending MY from NMJ post Sun Palace—and I don't just mean verbally, he's defending against Baxia with an unsheathed Shuoyue through this whole conversation. At this point, he still has some faith in NMJ's ability to act rationally towards MY, as he asks MY if MY hadn't told NMJ about his being the spy, and NMJ displays familiarity with LXC, knowing that he rarely interrupted people. I'll note that unlike in CQL, LXC does not seem particularly angry at this point—MDZS LXC is almost never angry, including at multiple points where CQL LXC /is/—but overall it's hardly an example of particular closeness, and we see that LXC's morality continues to differ from NMJ's: "MingJue-xiong," he says of MY, "he was undercover in Qishan, and sometimes there would be some things that… could not have been helped." 

Later in the chapter, just before the Flower Banquet, it's mentioned (possibly as inference from WWX) that LXC brought up the sworn brotherhood to NMJ, "having always hoped that the two [NMJ and JGY] would reconcile." Obviously we can infer things about their closeness from the fact that LXC does in fact swear brotherhood with NMJ, but we have no direct textual statement as to why he wanted to swear /himself/ to NMJ, be that personal or political or both.

Next comes the Flower Banquet. NMJ seeks JGY out, first, for his usual concerns with JGY's moral rectitude. Shortly after, LWJ and LXC come over; shortly after that, JC and WWX come over, though they soon move on. There are two things I want to note here. First, it's the only time we see LXC seek NMJ out (and one of only two times we see one of them seek the other out—the other will be in ch 73, after the conference about WWX, when NMJ comes over to him and JGY talking). Second, this is the only time we see LXC respond to NMJ verbally post-Sunshot in a way that isn't about defending someone, either JGY (the usual case) or WQ (at the conference in ch 73)—although it is to some degree a defense of WWX, and it's not quite directly in reply to NMJ, as NMJ and LWJ have a brief exchange on the subject first. These positive signs will not occur again, and I think it's significant that this is the earliest post-Sunshot scene we see.

The next scene for this analysis (chronologically speaking; it's in an entirely different chapter) is the Phoenix Mountain Hunt. Although we see NMJ and LXC arrive to the hunt in ch 69, NMJ arrives after the Twin Jades have started slowly riding into the distance and we don't actually see them interact at all; nor do we see them together in ch 70, the rest of the hunt. Moreover, there doesn't really seem to be any suggestion that they /did/ interact. When JGY says he's not sure if he'll be able to expand the hunting ground in two hours, LXC asks him why, instead of saying something like "oh right da-ge was doing all that hunting too." Moreover, when JGY answers him ("not only did Young Master Wei keep a third of the prey to himself, our eldest brother has eliminated over half of the fays and the monsters as well"), LXC's response doesn't indicate that he saw NMJ earlier, or knew what he was doing, though it does suggest a general familiarity with Nie Mingjue's character: 'Hearing this, Lan XiChen laughed, “That is how Brother is like, after all.”' 

Now, this hardly rules out the idea that they had any interaction, but I think it at least suggests they didn't have any significant interaction, or any interaction after the hunt began. This is in contrast (again!) to his relationship with JGY—he was with him earlier for who knows how long, as they arrive on the scene together, and after this is going to go help expand the hunting grounds. They do have LWJ with them for this last, but he's helping them at LXC's request, and the framing of that request is very—well: "WangJi, should we leave, or would you like to help as well?" So LWJ can come help them, but if he doesn't want to, LXC is simply going to go off with JGY again.

If the Flower Banquet was the high point of their actual interactions on the page, post-Sunshot, then this is I think the most purely emotionally positive we see LXC feel about NMJ post-Sunshot. Significantly, it's based on an apparently older familiarity, and it's when they don't seem to have interacted recently and NMJ isn't even on the page.

The next scene they're in together, again chronologically, is in chapter 73. They're seated together in the first row, but that's explicitly because of their status, and they're grouped with LWJ and JC: "In the front row sat sect leaders and famed cultivators like Nie MingJue, Jiang Cheng, Lan XiChen, and Lan WangJi." During the conference, they have a brief conflict about WQ's culpability, which LXC leaves off explicitly because he's familiar with NMJ's hatred for the Wen. After the conference, we're told "the Venerated Trio gathered," but what this looks like in practice is LXC and JGY talking together and then NMJ coming over. LXC observed that JGY has worked hard, JGY is amused by the destruction JC wrought on his table, and then NMJ interrupts with a negative comment about JGY*: "All clever talk—hard work indeed." LXC smiles but doesn't reply. JGY tries to change the subject by asking LXC where LWJ is, and LXC gestures to the front, where LWJ and Mianmian are finishing up their conversation. NMJ compliments Mianmian, and JGY agrees. That's the end of the scene. I noted for the Flower Banquet that that scene unusually involves LXC replying verbally to NMJ in a way that isn't /just/ about defending someone; here, LXC does not speak a single word after NMJ joins them.

*In the interests of not being unfair I will note that NMJ did observe JGY lie; this doesn't really matter to the NMJ-LXC stuff except that it's a lie that LXC would also have noticed, as it involved contradicting LWJ.

NMJ and LXC are once again in the same scene in ch 78, for the swearing ceremony, and even speak one after the other. However, they don't seem to interact in any way, and their speech seems to be an important sect leader thing; we're told of their responses to JGS' toast, and then JC is explicitly contrasted in not speaking: 

Nie MingJue, “May their souls live on.”

Lan XiChen, “Rest in peace.”

Jiang Cheng, however, still had on a darkened expression. He didn’t say anything even after he poured the wine.

Now we're back in the Empathy chapters, after a not insignificant gap: the next scene is the guqin scene, in chapter 49. Although LXC is playing guqin in the Unclean Realm, and is going to offer to teach JGY the Song of Clarity which he can use on NMJ, LXC and NMJ barely interact at all—they only have one very brief exchange, where NMJ objects to LXC teaching JGY the SoC (because it's leaking Lan techniques), LXC defends his decision, and NMJ realizes he's not going to change his mind so he doesn't say anything. Again, in contrast, LXC is very focused on JGY, asking him questions about his background, complimenting his playing, and independently offering to help him improve his guqin and even teach him an "exclusive teaching" of the Lan! The contrast is very noticeable.

A little after this, it's revealed that LXC left a guqin at the UR, apparently for JGY to use to play the SoC to NMJ. This is ostensibly because he is busy with the rebuilding of CR, although WWX speculates that this is just an excuse and that he "simply wanted to give Nie MingJue and Jin GuangYao a chance to ease their tension."

In chapter 30, it's revealed that at a Discussion Conference in the past, NMJ (who we are told otherwise would not have shown up, note, although it would have been an opportunity to see LXC) confronts the Jin about their refusal to sentence XY to death. He draws his sabre with the intent of killing XY, and gives JGY "a harsh scolding," causing JGY to "hid[e] behind Lan XiChen, not daring to say anything else." It seems likely that LXC defends JGY and/or helps to calm NMJ down, although nevertheless the Jin Sect has to (temporarily) give in on the matter of XY's death sentence; nothing about any further interaction they may have is noted.

Their next interaction is at the stairs incident, back in chapter 49. NMJ charges in on LXC and JGY, who are discussing the watchtower plans together, and tells LXC to stay there and JGY to come out with him. LXC's "face disclose[s] his worry," but JGY stops him and follows NMJ out. Some time later, LXC shows up at the conflict, coming to see what's happening, "concerned after having waited for long." He manages to calm NMJ down and prevent him from further trying to kill JGY, by talking about the work JGY has put in with the Song of Clarity, pointing out that he really is in a terrible situation, and urging NMJ to give him more time. Nothing he says particularly suggests that he feels close to NMJ; if anything, he seems kind of in denial about just how much NMJ is set against JGY.

Finally, there is their last interaction, just before NMJ's death. LXC is defending—well, not so much NMJ as the idea that NMJ hasn't rejected JGY completely, to JGY. His arguments are as follows: NMJ chose to become sworn brothers with JGY, which means he approves of JGY; when NMJ included in the oath stuff about "face a thousand accusing fingers, be torn from limb to limb," and so forth, he /also/ included "if one were to think otherwise," and since JGY doesn't think otherwise, he doesn't need to worry about it too much; that NMJ has always cherished JGY's talent and hoped he would choose the right path; and finally, that he's really really troubled by the saber spirit, that "[h]is anger was simply too great for him to have thought before speaking," and that JGY must not provoke him again (presumably by talking back, as he did at the stairs). As shining defenses of character go, this... isn't one. Again, he seems like he's kind of in denial about how much NMJ is set against JGY—notably, he didn't see all of the stairs incident, certainly not the part before JGY talked back—but it also doesn't exactly contain a strong positive assessment of NMJ. Forget his defense of JGY to Wangxian: this doesn't even compare to his confidence in NMJ in the conversation NMJ overhears and then joins at the Hejian front.

I realize all this is a lot, so to sum up their post-Sunshot interactions: we only see LXC seek out NMJ once, early post-Sunshot, and that's at a party. The fondest LXC seems of NMJ is one line during the Phoenix Mountain Hunt, when NMJ isn't even on-page. We do not see them spend any time privately together when JGY is not also there, and every time they interact publically JGY is also present at the party or gathering. When we do see them interact, the only time LXC responds verbally directly to NMJ is in defense of someone; if we include his indirect defense of WWX at the Flower Banquet, then that becomes 'the only time we see LXC respond verbally to NMJ at all.'

This is not of course to say that they don't have interactions we don't see. Given the time gaps, they must! But there's nothing about the interactions we *do* see to suggest that the ones we don't are in any way actually emotionally close, certainly not on LXC's part. Again, a contrast with his interactions with JGY is instructive; as with NMJ, we certainly don't see all of their interactions, but what we do see signals their closeness, mutual respect, and tendency to spend time together. 

PT II: NMJ dead

Okay, you say, but wait! What about the depth of his renewed grief after he finds NMJ's body!! What about his deep personal betrayal about JGY killing his close friend!!!

Yes, I say, wild-eyed, having tried to find anything in the text for just that. what /about/ all that.

My problem is, how do I prove a negative? In the chapters with NMJ alive, LXC's presence and his interactions with NMJ are short enough that I could reasonably if lengthily discuss and summarize; that's just not going to work here (there are twelve and a half temple chapters!), not least because some of it is a matter of context or interpretation. So I'm doing two things. First, where we do see him actively upset, I'm going to show you what he seems upset about, and second, I'm going to point out places where we might expect him to react if he's feeling a deep personal grief about NMJ specifically, and instead he does not, or reacts differently.

Let's start with chapter 46, where LXC sees NMJ's moving corpse for the first time. I've seen the idea around that LXC recognized NMJ by his abs, but this doesn't really seem to be the case; it's either the shape of his (headless) body or his saber-fighting movements. Significantly, LWJ also recognizes it at the exact same time: "As they saw the headless shadow, both [LXC and LWJ] paused shortly." LXC's reaction to this recognition is extreme surprise, "almost to the point of shocked," and he takes a bit to resume playing Liebing, joining LWJ on the guqin (to deal with the headless corpse that's going around). 'Shock' is hardly incompatible with immense personal grief, but I will note that in this section he is also not described as anything other than shocked, although it is his first time seeing NMJ's body in ten years. 

In a few paragraphs they deal with the corpse, attacking its energy enough that it falls back into pieces. As WWX seals the pieces back into his qiankun pouch, LXC asks him to wait: he wants to look at the corpse first, and he's described as having an "ashen" complexion. In context, though, both of these things seem to me to be about the likely identity of NMJ's killer, rather than NMJ himself; when LXC says he want to look at the corpse, WWX asks him if he recognizes the corpse, but it's not LXC who replies: "Before Lan XiChen could reply, Lan WangJi already nodded slowly." Moreover, as WWX points out, LWJ has already given LXC all the evidence that points at JGY as the killer—and also, after they do start talking about the identity of the killer, LXC shows no further interest in the corpse. This, from WWX, seems to me to sum up LXC's emotional conflict in this conversation: "Sect Leader Lan, you know who is the most suspicious person. You’re just refusing to admit it." It's not about NMJ being the corpse per se; it's what NMJ being the corpse suggests JGY did. ETA: I look at this scene in more detail here.

(I'll also note that the very first time we see LXC have anything to do with NMJ's corpse, it's in chapter 11, in the context of LWJ asking if LXC is visiting JGY "again" and a paragraph on JGY from WWX which includes the revelation that he and LXC are sworn brothers on the one hand, and LXC talking about LWJ being in good spirits and bringing guests home on the other. Meanwhile, NMJ's arm: 'Lan XiChen spoke, “Uncle has taken and examined what you brought back from Mo Village.”'

Now obviously we can't infer LXC's feelings about NMJ from this directly, given that he doesn't know it's NMJ's arm at the time, but it's certainly textually suggestive, and it very much fits in with a pattern of LXC prioritizing JGY and LWJ.)

That's most of the end of chapter 46; the next chapter has LXC, LWJ, and WWX going to the discussion conference at Carp Tower. Again, it's kind of hard to prove a negative, and LXC's reactions aren't really described at great length (though he does of course greet JGY with a smile); the only thing that seems unusual is that he seems "absent-minded." 

Chapters 48 and 49, and part of 50, are the Empathy chapters. After WWX escapes from the flashback and returns to LWJ, he and LWJ start causing a ruckus trying to get into JGY's bedchamber (to get to his secret room). An audience is attracted, including LXC. Taking a cue from LWJ, he pressures his way into the treasure room; he seems relieved when NMJ's head isn't behind the curtain WWX lifts. He has—well, he certainly has a few emotional reactions, but at no point does he seem driven by grief over NMJ instead of uncertainty about JGY. At one point he "nod[s] heavily" to confirm to NHS that he's talking about NMJ. Or consider this exchange:

Jin GuangYao’s eyes still held tears, but appeared as if they were red with anger. He clenched his hands into fists and shouted with both grief and resentment, “Dismembered… Dismembered! Who in this world could’ve done such an insane act?!”

Lan XiChen shook his head, “I do not know. When we were searching for the head, the clues disappeared.”

Now obviously JGY is acting—but he's acting the role of someone who /is/ personally mourning NMJ, and he's showing more anger than LXC ever does about it. Now—to be fair, MDZS LXC gets angry even less than CQL LXC, who is hardly an angry person. But there are a few times we do see him angry—certain moments confronting JGY in the temple, in the temple courtyard when he's angry at WWX for how he's treated LWJ—and what happens to NMJ's body, never mind the fact of the death itself, doesn't seem to make the list.

In chapter 63, WWX wakes up in CR, having been recovering for four days. In this chapter and the next two, LXC becomes increasingly distressed as they discover the Song of Turmoil and the evidence seems to weigh against Jin Guangyao, enough that it's not really feasible to review every instance of it. Nevertheless, there are a couple of parts I think it's worth looking at directly.

In chapter 64, we get something extremely valuable: LXC's statement of his own emotional quandary.

Lan XiChen supported his head on his hand. His voice was low, as though he was trying to hold something back, “WangJi, the version of Jin GuangYao that I know is entirely different compared to the version that you know and the version that the world knows! Throughout all these years, in my eyes, he has always been… enduring his suffer, caring for all people, treating everyone with respect. I have always believed, without a doubt, that the criticism he received from others all came from misunderstandings, that what I knew how he truly is. Now, you want me to believe, at once, that everything about this person is fake, that he planned to kill one of his sworn brothers, that I was also a part of his plan and even helped him… Could you please allow me some more discretion before I make my own judgement?”

So, what is he distressed by here? It's quite clearly the idea that he /doesn't/ know JGY, that the JGY he knows is fake, a falsehood, and relatedly that their relationship is not as he understands it ("that I was also a part of his plan and even helped him"). JGY killing NMJ is obviously what inspires this crisis, but it's not at all what's centered in his speech here, and even the half-sentence mention that it gets doesn't frame it at all in terms of NMJ's relationship to LXC. "He planned to kill one of his sworn brothers," he says, not "our sworn brother" or "my sworn brother" or even "my friend." 

(The paragraph immediately following reads to me more like WWX's conclusions than narrative certainty, but either way, it's not about his personal relationship with NMJ: "Lan XiChen had taught Jin GuangYao the Song of Clarity, keeping in mind the grudge between Jin GuangYao and Nie MingJue, hoping that they could be how they used to be. He requested Jin GuangYao to help calm Nie MingJue in place of him. Who would’ve known that his kindness made possible Jin GuangYao’s cruelty? How should he face himself now?") 

Later in the chapter, there's the famous section where he tells WWX about his and LWJ's parents' story. I do think part of this is about telling WWX something about LWJ (although not that LWJ has feelings for him, which MDZS LXC thinks he already knows), but it's also pretty transparently about his own uncertainty re: JGY.

He paused before speaking again, “Young Master Wei, can you understand why he did such a thing?”

Wei WuXian answered after a moment of silence, “He could neither forgive the one who killed his teacher nor watch the death of the woman who he loved. He could only marry her to protect her life and force himself not to see her.”

Lan XiChen, “Do you think that this was right?”

Wei WuXian, “I don’t know.”

Lan XiChen looked somewhat lost, “Then, what do you think would be right?”

Wei WuXian, “I don’t know.”

A while later, [Lan Xichen speaks again, in a whisper]

He spoke, “Madam Lan must’ve been a very gentle woman.”

Lan XiChen, “In my memories, Mother had indeed been so. I do not know why she did such a thing back then. And, in truth, I…”

He took in a deep breath before confessing, “Do not want to know either.”

It's not what you might call subtle.

But it's also worth noting, I think, exactly what LXC focuses on telling the story. It was one of his father's teachers that his mother killed—and while that is absolutely a very important position, and obviously would have mattered and indeed did matter to QHJ a great deal—that's literally all the information we get about him, that he was QHJ's teacher. He lingers on why QHJ did what he did, and whether it was the right thing; he talks about the crime his mother committed, and his response to that. He does not focus at all on the teacher, the clear NMJ-analogue in this scenario. He's not QHJ's beloved teacher, or his favourite teacher, or anything like that—he's not even just "his teacher," he's "one of his teachers." And maybe that's all the information he has about him, but he doesn't linger on that question either! Again, there's nothing here to suggest that his conflict is about his personal connection with NMJ.

ETA: I actually missed something here. Thanks to some critique in the notes (and which I discuss more extensively in the post linked at the bottom of the page), I looked at the Chinese here, and the word LXC uses for teacher is 恩师, which Pleco gives me as “mentor; one’s kind and respected master (or teacher).” So on the one hand, that's not nothing. On the other hand, the point remains that it's only one word, LXC isn't adding lots of adjectives on to describe the teacher, and as I mentioned in the previous paragraph, simply doesn't linger on the teacher in his conversation with WWX; the focus is elsewhere. I think the point as a whole stands.

Now to the temple chapters. I think it's fairly well-known, at this point, that he doesn't bring up NMJ to JGY in the temple chapters, but I'm going to point it out again—he doesn't bring up NMJ to JGY in the temple chapters! And this is, I feel, even more significant in MDZS, where he's seen NMJ's fierce corpse. That said, there are a few instances where he reacts to NMJ/NMJ's corpse; I'm going to look at all of them.

First of all, in ch 104 when WWX says "Looks like being called the son of a prostitute is really Sect Leader Jin’s weak spot. No wonder you killed ChiFeng-Zun," we're told that "With the mention of Nie MingJue, Lan XiChen’s expression changed." No further details are provided; we don't know what it changes into, and the only hint we have as to what it changes /from/ is that LXC's last described reaction, only two paragraphs previous, was calling "Sect Leader Jin" because he knew JGY was about to fuck with JC. Also interestingly, LXC does /not/ have any reaction described when JGY and JC have the "isn't it hard being your shixiong/isn't it even harder being your sworn brother" exchange, earlier in chapter 101. Perhaps his reaction is simply not noted by the text—it seems unlikely he has literally zero reaction to it—but if we're looking for a difference, it seems like it's either the explicit reference to killing NMJ, or the reminder of NMJ calling JGY the son of a prostitute.

Second, there's the moment NMJ('s fierce corpse) shows up (ch 106). He, JGY, and NHS all say "Brother."  JGY and LXC's responses are one paragraph after the other, and the punctuation is the same: "… Brother."* Meanwhile, NHS reacts first, a few paragraphs earlier, and he cries out, "Brother!!!" We're told that "[their] three tones were drastically different," which is interesting as well. NHS seems in the grip of some strong, active emotion—excitement? grief? We're explicitly told that JGY is scared. Whatever LXC's tone is, it's hard to say—but it's not like NHS'.

*(In the original text it looks like LXC's is "…Brother." and JGY's is "…Brother...", but either way they're significantly more similar to each other's than either is to NHS'.)

Thirdly and finally, when the Jin cultivators are fighting NMJ's corpse (ch 107), NHS peers out from behind LXC's back and calls out to NMJ ("both frightened and eager"), leading NMJ to charge at them. LXC stops him by playing Liebing, then then tries to get him to recognize identifying NHS ("Brother, this is Huaisang!"); the latter unfortunately does not work, NMJ being totally overcome by resentful energy. This section does actually have some evidence of grief: when he plays Liebing, it's described as "with a sob of Liebing."

He'll continue to try and deal with NMJ's corpse, notably with LWJ and WWX, but those three moments are the only times he reacts to NMJ (as NMJ, as opposed to as a fierce corpse that needs to be dealt with). That's not a lot, and each moment is very brief, not to mention fairly ambiguous about LXC's emotional reaction. If he /was/ being driven by his grief for NMJ's death, you would think we'd see more of it.

Furthermore, there's one moment I think it's important to pull out as explicitly not about NMJ. LXC tells JGY (and had told him previously) not to call LXC er-ge, /not/ because he killed da-ge (which you might expect!) but because of the second siege: “Sect Leader Jin, I have already said, when you went your own way to scheme such havoc at Burial Mound, that there was no longer the need to call me ‘Brother.’” 

Now, to be clear, it's not that LXC's reactions to things just aren't described in the temple sequence in general. Obviously we see him react when he's telling LWJ about WWX's feelings, but even beyond that, even when he's occupying a more background role in the narrative, we're given his reaction quite a few times. He sighs when LWJ seals his spiritual powers (ch 100); he tends to NHS, covering with his outer robe (ch 102), comforting him when he's disturbed at the sight of the coffin (ch 103), protecting him from SMS (after NHS frames him for stabbing him, ch. 107) and from NMJ (ch 107), and comforting him and giving him pain medicine about the wound in his leg (ch 108); along with LWJ, he's distressed by the sound of JC's sword-scraping technique against JGY's music (ch 101); he tries to warn JC a couple of times when JC is fighting JGY (ch 101), cautions JL (ch 101) and later JC (ch 102) about worsening JC's injuries, and along with JL, WWX, and LWJ freezes when JC slaps JL to the ground (ch 102); he asks Minshan why he's being rude to LWJ, and a little later, with SMS and JL, pauses in astonishment when LWJ laughs (ch 100); he averts his gaze from and seems perhaps embarassed by the ghosts that WWX summons (ch 104); he calls out to WWX to remind him that his current body is closely related to JGY, and will therefore attract NMJ's fierce corpse (ch 107). He actually has a couple of entertaining reactions to Wangxian being Wangxian: he coughs and tells WWX it is maybe not the best time and place for this when WWX is about to repeat "I really wanted to sleep with you," and then later he and Jin Ling inexplicably! move their sitting cushions far away from Wangxian's and gaze into the distance (ch 100).

And more than anything else—in what I think is a very instructive contrast—he reacts to JGY, in a way that reflects an ongoing continual emotional investment. He is, quite notably, consistently worried about JGY and unable to stand the sight of him in pain, even when he thinks he shouldn't be. When the coffin trap goes off, and they overhear Jin cultivators wailing and a pungent smoke emerges, there's worry in LXC's eyes; after JGY and Minshan make it out, and JGY takes some medicine against the poison, LXC hesitates for a moment and then asks what happened (ch 103). After LWJ cuts JGY's hand off—which means /after/ he's taken JL hostage, note—LXC "seemed as though he wanted to help him for an instant," though "in the end he dared not" (ch 106). When Minshan asks him for medicine for JGY, seeing how terrible JGY looks, he hesitates slightly before they're interrupted by NMJ's success fighting the Jin cultivators (ch 107). After they've defeated NMJ, he treats JGY's wrist; moreover, "Seeing that Jin GuangYao almost passed out from the pain, Lan XiChen, who in the beginning wanted to use this to punish him, still didn’t have the heart to bear it," and goes for the pain-relief medicine from NHS. And this is all not even accounting for his reactions to JGY either during his questioning of JGY or post-stabbing!

And what about when he's distressed by JGY? When he's reacting with upset or anger? There seem to be two consistent threads: first, that JGY did awful things/hurt people /not/ under constraint, and second, the idea that he doesn't know JGY after all and their relationship was a lie. 

For the first, he calls out Sect Leader Jin when JGY starts in on JC after JC calls him the son of a prostitute (ch 104), although notably he does not do the same in their earlier confrontation when JGY is distracting JC in order to defeat him, only warning JC (ch 101); when JGY confesses to having burned down the brothel, he's distressed when JGY says that it wasn't entirely to remove the traces (ch 105); he becomes /less/ angry about the second siege and about QS when it turns out that he was operating under constraint in those conditions (ch 106); and of course, the thing he's angriest about is JGY killing his father, "and even in such a way" (ch 106). In ch 103, looking down at the coffin he is shocked that JGY buried something that caused such horror to its surroundings, but without further information about JGY's reasons this does not metamorphose into anger.

For the second, when WWX him asks why there's no light shining from Shuoyue, he tells him "It's quite a shame," and that he "was fooled by lies" and had his cultivation sealed (ch 99); when JGY assures him that he'll let him and NHS go without harm when the time comes, he asks if he should believe him (ch 100); when JGY asks if LXC isn't going to ask him /why/ he set the fire (since it wasn't entirely to erace the traces), we have this important excerpt (ch 105):

“In the past, it was not that I did not know what you did, but that I believed you had your reasons behind doing them.”

He continued, “But, you have done too much. And I… no longer know if I should believe you.”

Fatigue and disappointment sunk heavily into his tone.

And then after JGY takes JL hostage (ch 106), this one:

Lan XiChen spoke slowly, “Sect Leader Jin, you lied again.”

Jin GuangYao, “Just this once. There’ll be no next time.”

Lan XiChen, “This was what you said last time. I can no longer tell which of your words are true.”

LXC asks him about the letter in the first place because "whenever he heard there might be hiddenmight hidden reasons, he just had to hear it" (ch 105); when WWX challenges him before he tends to JGY's wounds, he says "Many things still remain unanswered" (ch 108).

His upset at JGY "attacking" him is in ch 108, I think, a combination of the two—in CQL, it reads more like he's angry that JGY took an action that made him need to attack JGY than anything else, but in MDZS he experiences it as a real betrayal: "As he saw Nie HuaiSang’s expression along with the warning, he felt something in his heart go cold." Because it would have been one; it's a line that JGY hasn't crossed, and as it turns out it's a line that JGY hadn't crossed, and would never.

And lastly, after JGY's death, we have once again LXC's explicit statement of his difficulties—and while LXC's post-stabbing difficulties could be different from his pre-stabbing ones, it's at least an important consideration, and it is in line with the rest of what we see:

“… Just what does he want to do? I once thought I knew him well, and then I realized I did not. Before tonight, I thought I knew him well once more, but now I do not.” Nobody could give him an answer. Lan XiChen repeated in frustration, “Just what does he want to do?”

Looking over the evidence, he's hurt and angry that JGY would do awful things not under constraint, and about the idea that he doesn't know JGY after all/their relationship is a lie. I do think it's unlikely that he's zero percent upset about JGY contributing to NMJ's death—I tend to think they talked about if offscreen, between LXC leaving with him from Gusu and WWX finding them in the temple, and that's why LXC doesn't bring him up in the temple sequence. But whatever he's feeling, his reactions to JGY don't seem to be about his own personal grief for or relationship with NMJ, and if they /had/ been about that I think there's several moments in the temple that would have played out differently.

One last note: I see often the idea that LXC going into seclusion after JGY's death is for his grief about /both/ his sworn brothers. At this point, you're probably unsurprised to learn that I don't think the evidence supports this. Not only, again, do we have very little evidence of his personal grief for NMJ post-timeskip—ten years past NMJ's death!—even after NMJ shows up again, but there's a distinct change in him after JGY dies. Before that, he's obviously distressed, but he's still tracking and on top of things; afterwards, on the other hand, we're told that "If it were the usual ZeWu-Jun, he couldn’t have failed to fathom [what WWX was suggesting the letter be intended to cause]. But right now, it was likely he had no more space in his mind to think" (ch 109), which tracks pretty well with his absent-mindedness at the banquet a few months down the line (ch 116). Nothing about LWJ's discussion with WWX of LXC's state suggests it's at all precedented (ch 115), and in fact when LQR talks to him immediately after JGY dies, we're told that "Lan XiChen’s face was full of an unspeakable grief" and that "Lan QiRen had never seen Lan XiChen, a child he single-handedly brought up, look so agitated and discomposed" (ch 110). JGY's death is a breaking point; NMJ's death, at the time or now, simply is not.

In conclusion, while he was certainly friends with NMJ pre-Sunshot, and that is genuinely rare for LXC, they began to grow apart during Sunshot; and while LXC continued to care for NMJ, he was not at all intimate with him, and showed no sign of particularly enjoying or seeking out his company. Later, while he is certainly disturbed at the idea that JGY might have killed NMJ, this is because it suggests that he /doesn't/ know JGY after all, and his reactions to JGY then and at the temple are not driven by his personal grief for or relationship with NMJ, nor is his seclusion in any way related to his feelings for NMJ.

ETA: All quotes taken from the Exiled Rebels translation.

ETA: I discuss some critique of this by @/hqfeels here.

[coochiequeens]

TRAs banned children’s about trees and bereavement because the author spoke of being a trans widow

The Curated Woods:

A Grass Widow in the Months of Remembering

by Ute Heggen

When you’re my age, you are suddenly thinking that life is perhaps not going to last so much longer, and memories from the past drop by. They filter down, like the light through the leaves. I often think of Grandma Jennie, her hardworking ways, her doughnuts, her oatmeal cookies for breakfast. The gift I miss the most is the handsewn Raggedy Ann doll with the yellow hair, from a sweater she unraveled, carefully woven and sewn onto Ann’s head. She embroidered the face so precisely that you could not tell the difference between my Raggedy’s face and the ones in the stores. Uninvited memories arrive too, like the last time my then-husband and I had sex, before I discovered that he had been taking estrogen, apparently for months. It felt different, his movements. There was a vacancy in them, a neglect of my breasts, a non-reaction to my embrace. His errant hand thrust between us, feeling my orgasm. It was a sudden and voyeuristic gesture. Intuitively I knew it was the last time, and that I’d always remember. I felt dissociated, emotionally confused. I was so disconnected, unusual for me, the former dancer. I assume it was the last time he ever had intercourse using his male parts.

It is an odd reality, probably the only orgasm I remember with an approximate date attached, on account of random events remembered, before and after. He wore a shirt, despite my preference for naked sex. About six weeks later, I saw his developing breasts. I thought I had forgotten this, but there it came, floating back, as I wandered around in the woods, trying to identify the Oaks. I have three significant Oaks, a wondrous fact. Oaks support many, many insects and animals. I spread my palms across the Central Oak, trying to transfer my memories into its tough, ridged bark. The woods, oblivious to the plight of our illogical human race, grows on, drops limbs, decomposes, nourishes insects, which nourish birds, and on and on. It even shelters the occasional fox. Perhaps the trees are bemused at me chasing off the deer visitors. It is a habitat. Tick-devouring possums harbor here. Squirrels perform leaps of skill and daring, and the light continuously changes, never the same, as our seasons pass. I find a way to do good in my little forest bubble, as I, and everyone, wait for our previous human social life to return. If I listen to my woods, I will hear her song, and I will learn the ancient text of her intentions and desires, her needs, her habits, our future. The sound of the leaves in fall, then the birds in spring, reveal the many verses, variations, clues to be read and understood, spaces between the lines, the archaic stoicism of the trees.

I curate this little spot, rip out the wrongful weeds, set in the native plants, and manage the trees. I want to see how it is, after years, if my plans and hopes come to fruition. As well, if I am lucky, and I live, I wish to see my curating, my earnest restorations. I see the butterflies, myriads of bees and dragonflies, the Hawks, the Titmice, the Sparrows. It is the collateral beauty of Mother Nature, if we only stop to notice.

A Note from the Author:

On July 2nd, I received an email notification that I had been banned from YouTube for “severe and repeated hate speech.” So I appealed. My appeal stated, simply, that, as a single mom, I am trying to help other single mothers and protect children. The origin of the email was Google, the platform I was using to subscribe to YouTube. I had been posting links to my interviews with Karen Davis from her channel You’re Kiddin’, Right?, listed below, after the children’s books. Interestingly, my ban arrived on the same day as the Wi Spa video trended around the country. Also of interest, I am a children’s book author, under a different pseudonym: Lea Utsira. Under this moniker, I am banned. The two books I have independently published with iuniverse.com/bookstore are Lea Utsira’s All About Leaves and Lea Utsira’s My Heart, Your Heart. The first is an early grade science book, while the second helps a child deal with the loss of a grandparent. I find that the act of banning me from these platforms is anti-woman, anti-child, and anti-science. My recommendation to everyone who cares about women, children, and science is this: flood YouTube with comments. Copy links to your favorite gender-critical interviews into the comments of Disney and Marvel trailers, widely viewed news clips and sports clips, such as of the Tour de France. Flood the clown world moderators with work.

– Ute Heggen a.k.a. Lea Utsira

https://www.iuniverse.com/en/bookstore/bookdetails/828223-leaves

https://www.iuniverse.com/en/bookstore/bookdetails/829318-my-heart-your-heart

See article for links to her many videos on being a trans widow

[swaps55]

Mass Effect Fic Recs

I started putting this list together months ago, and finally went back and finished it off. There are so many fics out there that have stunned me, changed me, or in some way left a lasting impression. You’re probably expecting a ton of mShenko (and don’t get me wrong, it’s there), but I’ll read anything if it’s good, so there’s definitely some pairing and relationship diversity. 

This list contains fics that in general gobsmacked me in some way and are mostly one-shots.

across the sky, fShiara, by @dearophelia

Author’s summary: What can be uploaded can also be downloaded.

The rec: @dearophelia is one of my favorite writers in addition to one of my favorite people, and this fic is absolutely gorgeous. And not miserable and sad like my interpretation of the Control ending. Rather, it’s glorious, hopeful and full of love. After reading it the first time I never really put it away.

Bleeding Honesty, Jack/James Vega, by @eleneripenneth

Author’s summary: Jack's not sure when it happened, or why, but she's sleeping with James Vega. It's supposed to be just sex, just blowing off steam.... isn't it?

The rec: This ship never crossed my mind until I read this fic, and now I am vehemently behind it. I first read it several years ago, and I still think about it.

In This Dark World and Wide, Urdnot Bakara & Mordin Solus, by @madamebadger 

Author’s summary: This is the hardest thing she’s ever done.

The rec: Madamebadger is one of those people who makes writing look effortless, and this is one of my favorites because, well, MORDIN, and Eve, and it’s beautiful.

Exitus, Chapter 10: 0048.620-Radiant, Shenko, by @sinvraal

Author’s summary: Explorations, variations and off-camera moments from the Mass Effect 2 storyline. Multiple character POVs.

The rec: Now this is a little weird that I’m rec-ing a single chapter in the middle of a massive opus, but a) all of her fic reads like a relatively self-contained piece of a larger whole, and b) if you don’t read ANYTHING else sinvraal’s written (and you should read all of it), this chapter in particular highlights why she’s one of the best writers in the fandom. Her take on the “bones” of the Mass Effect universe, from the technology and biotics to space to aliens and AI is unparalleled. For context, this chapter is an off-camera moment on Horizon between Kaidan and an...unexpected guest.  

Of course, feel free to start at the beginning with Iunctio if you are so inclined. 

Touching Bottom, mShenko, by stone_in_focus

Author’s Summary: Maybe this time around, you'll get it right.

The rec: Oh man, this is such a gem. Second person, how do people do that, and it’s still the mShenko fic I probably come back to the most. It’s a beautiful conversation with Kaidan and Samara, two people who should ABSOLUTELY get actual time together. I lov this fic so, so much.

Because, Kaidan Alenko/Steve Cortez, by wargoddess 

Author’s Summary: In the immediate aftermath, everyone worried about Cortez. No one thought to worry for Alenko. 

The rec: I can’t remember how I found this, but it's another one of those fics that’s just stuck with me. It’s a fascinating look at grief that makes me ache. 

Mako, mShenko, by @pigeontheoneandonly

The rec: I think about this fic all the fucking time. The last line haunts me. It’s gorgeous. And in first person no less, something I’m rarely into. But this is the perfect way to use it, as it wouldn’t have nearly the gut punch it has if it were told from a different perspective. Read it. 

Soulmate AU, mShenko, @joasakura 

Prompt: Soulmate AU #22 for a Mass Effect pairing of your choice? Please and thank you! (the one where it’s impossible to lie to your soulmate.)

The rec: Another fic that has burned itself into my brain. Shepard’s Truth is just...God. Poleaxed indeed. 

Tough Kid, Shepard & Anderson, by @ooachilliaoo

The rec: A look at Shepard through Anderson’s eyes, and it’s fucking stunning. 

Untitled, shakarian, by @tarysande

Prompt: What would Garrus have done if Shepard had died after the events of ME3?

The rec: If you want to be punched in the face by something beautiful, this is your fic. Another one that I’ve literally thought about for years, and loved enough to spend HOURS looking for when I wanted to find it again. 

How it Pains to Leave You Here, mShenko, by @ronqueesha 

Author’s summary: The Entity that used to be John Shepard cannot let go of certain memories, especially those of a man named Kaidan Alenko.

The rec: This is a relatively recent find that quite frankly knocked me on my ass. The control ending hurts me so much, but there’s such fascinating fic out there about it, and this one in particular stands out. I owe the writer some feedback, because I can’t get it out of my head. 

There are plenty more I could have added. If anyone wants more, just ask. If you have others to rec, please jump in!

[hiddenhearthwitch]

Nordic Water Magic💧🌿

This is a very general starter post for making your own charged water or using it for spells! It is entirely an Norse based post but you don’t have to be a Norse pagan to use the info! All plants listed are native to Scandinavian countries and some herbs/crystals are tied to the mythology of the Norse. Please keep in mind these are my own personal, modern correspondences because there’s not a lot of surviving pre-Christian text on seiðr and galðr.

🌿Herbs🌿 You can use herbs(or their essential oils) to make your own cleansing water spray, altar offerings, or to charging water with a specific intent. The listed herbs are not meant for ingesting but rather for aromatherapy, varying spells, or making charged water for deity/spirit offerings.

Birch - Birch is sacred in Norse mythology, up to the point where it has it’s own rune Berkanan(ᛒ). It is tied to the hearth deity Frigg, who better to work with when wanting to do ritual cleansing of the home? Birch is associated with healing depression and anxiety, renewal, growth, cleansing, and invoking the divine.

Spruce - The Norway Spruce is one of the most commonly found trees in Norway and Sweden, and still seen as sacred today. Fun fact: Old Tjikko is the oldest (clonal)tree in the world which gives spruce it’s association with ancient wisdom. It is also associated with healing, connecting the mind and heart, protection, purification, and spiritual refreshment. 

Oak - Not only is Oak tied to the protection deity Þórr(Thor) but it was actually the wood used on the highest-ranking viking ships and has long been associated with victory and protection do to this. It’s also good for charging water or oils with prosperity, enhanced manifestation and divination, strength, and mental + emotional healing.

Hazel - .It was commonly used in making arrows(as well as the tree Holly). It’s associated with wisdom, magic, protection(another tree associated with Þórr) and communication.

Calendula - Not to be confused with it’s Mexican sister Marigold(which is not native to Europe). Both physically + metaphysically Calendula can be used to detoxify and cleanse. It can also be used in seiðr for happiness, beauty, good health, physically healing, and releasing depression. It’s also often associated with the Vanir deity Freyja.

Cranberry - A common plant found throughout the lands, is still used in modern times to celebrate Jól. It is often associated with welcoming positive energy into the home, emotional healing, protection(another Þórr one), and invoking courage.

Chamomile - This is another plant associated with the deity Frigg. It can be used to help bring peace and harmony into the home, healing, protection, and purification of negativity.

Primrose - Primrose can be used to help one acknowledge their own feelings and flaws, healing grief and heartache, inspire hope, and transmute negative energies(this last meaning is mostly based on my personal work with Sif).

Thistle - Thistle can be used for increased endurance, prosperity, protection, good health, and improved energy

Orchid - Resilience is the first property that comes to mind with Orchids, I would’ve never thought Orchids could survive so far North but there’s dozens of smaller breeds decorating the hills. Orchids are also a good aid for fertility magic, harmonizing the home, invoking love, and beauty.

Yarrow - It’s believed it was used for protection magic do the the Anglo-Saxon translation to “to be ready” or “to prepare” and being used in talismans at the time. It can also be used for healing, the release of negative emotions, divination, and banishment of negative energy and spirits.

🔮Crystals🔮 Crystals can placed in or around water to help charge it with a specific intent. Make sure you do your research on each crystal, a lot of crystals are water-soluble. Especially ones under a hardness of 6! All listed crystals are local to Scandinavian countries.

Rhodonite - altruism, discovering oneself, compassion, love, genorisity

Diopside - connection to nature, opening the heart, healing, balance

Iolite - inner vision, healing of trauma, intuition, and soul retrieval

Pyrite - manifestation, action, vitality, willpower, creativity, confidence

Labradorite - magic, protection

Quartz - quartz can be mined more or less anywhere in the world, as well as it’s variations(rose, smokey, etc.). clear quartz is often thought of as an energy amplifier and overall good cleansing stone

Zoisite - (this stone always makes me think of sailor moon)increased personal growth, awakening of the true self, healing, growth and fertility in all aspects

Peridot - warmth and well-begin, prosperity, blesses and energizes one work

Amber - often associated with the Brísingamen, it can be used for light, warmth, positive and solar energies, clarification, and healing

Fluorite - clarity and mental enhancement, divination, insight, clearing the energy fields

✨Cleansing Water Recipe✨ This is a cleansing spray I use around my home after cleaning! I usually dedicate the act of making it Sif + Þórr and the act of using it to Frigg or Sigyn. It’s main intention is to cleanse your house of any negative residue or energy left behind and stabilize the energies, welcoming harmony into the hearth. I use home made oils for everything but the spruce(I use a low concentrate essential oil) because I get worried keeping the branches.

You’ll need:

spruce oil

yarrow oil

birch oil

orchid oil

filtered (new moon)water

fluorite

spray bottle

Make sure while mixing your ingredients you focus on intention of cleansing the home and addressing whatever god(if you’re working with one). Gather all of your ingredients and pour your moon water in the bowl first. It’s important to note that between adding each oil you need to stir thoroughly(thirty seconds give or take) before adding in the next one. Start mixing your water with one hand and add two drops of spruce oil, mix, add two drops of yarrow, mix, three drops of birch oil, mix, and then three drops of orchid oil, mix. Pour your mix into your spray bottle and tie a piece of fluorite to the outside. I usually try to spray all the windows and doorways in the house as well as our most used rooms. Make sure you shake or stir it for thirty seconds before use each time!

Extra Tips

I would advice not risking putting crystals in with essential oils, they can corrode the crystal(s) and it’s hard knowing exactly what concentration your oil blend is in terms of alcohol + extract.

You can use moon water for your cleansing or charged water if moon cycles are your thing(you could also then say it’s blessed Mani too).

You can leave offerings of water spells or charged water on your altar for Vanir, Sigyn, some jötunn, or whatever deities you want really.

You can use a marker to draw corresponding runes or staves on the outside of your bottle.

You can recharge the cleansing water spell by keeping it out under the new moon or placing it next to a burning white candle and quartz.

Charging water can be done a lot of different ways! You can leave water out under the full or new moon, or even out in the sun for energy. Placing certain crystals(like quartz or fluorite) in or next to water can charge it as well. The same can be said with certain herbs ~

Patreon | Shop | Instagram

[katehuntington]

Title: Ride With Me (part eight) Fandom: Supernatural AU Characters series: Reader, Dean Winchester, Bobby Singer, Ellen Singer-Harvelle, Jo Singer (Harvelle), Benny Lafitte, Ash Miles, Garth Fitzgerald IV, Castiel Novek, and many more. Timeline: 2008 Pairing: Dean x Reader (eventually) Word count: 5550 words Summary series: Y/N is a talented horse rider who is on her way to become a professional. In order to convince her father that she deserves the loan needed to start her own farm, she goes to Arizona for six months, to intern at a ranch owned by Bobby and Ellen Singer. Her future is set out, but then she meets a handsome horseman, who goes by the name of Dean Winchester. A heartwarming series about a cowboy who falls for the girl, letting go of the past and the importance of family.  Summary part eight: It’s one of those days for Dean where everything that can go wrong, goes wrong. After one hell of a day, Bobby has to break the news to Ash, who doesn’t take the lay off well. Warnings series: NSFW, 18+ only! Fluff, angst, eventually smut. Swearing, smoking, alcohol intoxication, alcohol abuse. Mutual pining, heartbreak. Crying, nightmares, childhood trauma. Description of animal abuse, domestic violence, mentions of addiction. Financial problems, stress, mental breakdown. Description of blood and injury, hospital scenes, character death, grief. Music: About Today - The National (final scene). Check out ‘Kate Huntington’s Ride With Me playlist’ on Spotify! Author’s note: Thank you @kittenofdoomage and @girl-with-a-fandom-fettishfor helping me. You girls are awesome betas. Thank you for your endless patience!

Ride With Me Masterlist

     7.30 AM, Monday morning. Several hundred hooves tremble the ground. Earthy colored dust has turned into dark mud overnight as the heavens unleashed a rainstorm that still hasn't stopped from raging down. The cattle moos anxiously, trying to stick together as a herd. Bobby’s dog, Rumsfeld, barks over the sound of it all, his enthusiastic calls trumped by the shouts and whistles of the wranglers.       "Yah!” Dean shouts, cutting off young stock that threatens to fan out.

     Droplets as big as marbles fall from the grey sky, the water caught in the brim of his hat pouring from it whenever he tips it down. It’s unusually cold this morning without sunshine to burn the night away. The long, leather coat he’s wearing protects him from that, but the rain started coming through the seams on his shoulders and elbows two hours ago and a steady drip down his neck has drenched his shirt already. Dean has been in the saddle since four o'clock, ever since the thunder woke him up and an eerie gut feeling began to unsettle him. Something was wrong, he felt it in his bones. As he stepped out onto the porch, he immediately noticed the distressed young stock on the wrong side of the fence. Apparently, the cattle panicked in the thunderstorm, took down a gate, and escaped the pen, splitting the herd in two. They were absolutely all over the place, roaming over more than forty acres. With a buyer coming in at 9 AM, he had to gather the two hundred cows and bulls fast, if he wanted to avoid a financial disaster.      So here they are; wet through, tired and miserable, trying to maneuver their horses on the slick surface. A perfect start for this dreadful Monday.

     A sharp whistle reverberates through the valley, requiring his attention. It's Bobby, looking over the mayhem from a small hill, calling his horse to a stand. “Dean, stragglers!”      His head wrangler notices three steers swaying away from the herd. Dean turns from the tail of the group and pushes his horse forward, but immediately senses the loss of grip in the slippery mud. Led’s hind legs skid from under his body, forcing the buckskin to the ground. As the horse's knees buckle, the experienced rider decides in a split second not to leave the sinking ship. Instead, he skillfully sticks to the saddle like he’s glued to the leather, and moves his weight to level out the balance. At the same time, he pulls Led’s nose from the ground and gives enough free rein right after, simultaneously pushing his heels into the horse’s flanks, encourages him to give it his everything to get back on his feet. His quick thinking enables the stallion to break the fall and thankfully; Led steadies himself. Dean breathes out; that was way too close.      “Well done, bud,” the rider soothes, ruffling the Quarter’s mane, glad that he was able to prevent a possibly painful crash.      “Hell of a save,” Benny comments from several yards away. “You alright?”      “I'm good,” Dean assures his best friend. “We need to round them up fast before this whole pasture turns into a mudslide.”      He pushes Led forward, who picks up speed carefully, smart enough to not make the same mistake twice. It takes a while to make up for the lost time, but then he wings the three bulls, guiding them back to the group. Slowly but surely, the wranglers manage to maneuver the large number of animals back into another secured pen. It’s past eight o’clock when Jo closes the last gate and they can all take a breather. Too bad they cannot head back to bed just yet, the day has only just begun.      “Next time you wake me up in the middle of the night, make sure it’s because there’s some hot gal waiting for me on my doorstep,” Ash mocks as he slows his horse down.      Dean looks aside, grinning at the guy that’s in charge of the cattle. “You have enough problems controlling your cows, let alone women, Ash.”      Benny laughs at that, so does Jo. He’s sure Bobby would have laughed at it too, if it wasn't for the troubling decision that has been made. The ranch owner rests his hand on the horn, taking in his dream team as the rain finally stops falling. Today is the day that he will sell over three-fourths of his cattle. Decades of blood, sweat and tears, sold for a dime. Damage control, they call that. It ain't pretty, but it’s necessary to prevent this place from drowning. What else is necessary is cutting down on personnel. Collateral damage is the term, Bobby believes. There’s that word again: damage.      “Is Rufus still dropping by at nine?” Dean, who held up his horse to ride next to his uncle, checks with him.      “Yeah, but you know Rufus. Could be eleven just as well,” Bobby mutters, aware of his old friend’s carelessness.      “Better ask Ellen to break out the Johnny Walker Blue if you're aiming for a good price,” his right hand suggests, before he halts at the tack up area.      The sound of horseshoes splashing on the wet surface draws Y/N’s attention. She parks her broom against the stable wall and peeks around the corner, spotting the wranglers under the Yucca tree, which seems to cry silently as tears of rain drip down from its branches.      “Garth! They're here!” she shouts at the stable boy on the other side of the barn.      The slender guy pops his head out of a stall, then walks out and closes the door behind him. Like the wranglers, he and the intern got up at four in the morning as well. During the weekend the stables aren't mucked out, which adds to the work on Monday, and with Bobby, Jo and Dean handling the breakout, the two of them had to feed and turn out the animals as well. Getting up early was the only way to get all the work done without falling behind.       As the dark rain clouds pass, everyone on the square gets off their horses. Y/N walks up to Bobby, sensing the low morale. No wonder, because all five wranglers are soaked, probably sore and tired too.      “I got him.” She takes over his chestnut named Seger. “Ellen has breakfast ready for you.”     “Thank you, Darlin’,” the old man mumbles, stiffly making his way to the cafeteria.      While tying up Seger, Y/N watches the ranch owner hobble off, wondering why he seems so burdened. When she glances back to loosen the horse’s cinch, a handsome cowboy catches her eye on the other side of the chestnut. Dean takes off Led’s bridle, the last waterdrops rolling from the dip of his hat. Mud splatters have sprayed across his leather overcoat, his boots covered in dirt. There are smudges on his face, along with a weekend stubble still on his strong jaw. The knuckles of his firm hands have a blue shade, so do his lips; he must be so cold after four hours in the pouring rain. With sympathy, she looks at him.        “Hell of a morning, huh?” she comments, trying to make small talk.      Dean looks up and pauses his action. He seems a little surprised by her voice, as if only just now he realized she was behind the horse next to him. The line parting his lips breaks in a small smile. It’s the first time he hears her use a word as such. His language is terrible, he throws in a variation of the words ‘fuck’ and ‘shit’ wherever it fits. But Y/N on the other hand, coming from upstate, says ‘gosh’ at most, and uses terms such as ‘for heaven’s sake’, which he finds quite cute. Apparently she’s adapting to her company.       The wrangler scoffs. “You can say that again.”      He unbuckles the cinch and removes the saddle from Led’s back. The mud sticking to the saddle pad is hard to miss and it catches the intern’s eye. Led must have hit the ground at some point, how else would the animal have dirt caked thick in his coat on his entire side?      “Did you fall?” she asks.      Dean chuckles, slightly amused, while he puts the heavy saddle on the bar his horse is tied to as well. He heard that, the worry in her voice.      “Led slipped, but he was able to steady himself,” he reassures.      The cowboy returns his focus to the buckskin next to him as he turns the faucet of the water source. Led might be wet through just like his rider, but he’s covered in filth as well, and that's no way to bring a horse back to his stable. He quickly hoses down his Quarter, while Y/N washes Seger’s feet. When she’s done, she follows Benny and Jo as they return their horses to the stable. Coming back to pick up the saddle, Y/N finds her supervisor crouched down next to Led’s left front leg.      “Shit…” he curses, feeling the cannon bone.      The saddle is left on the bar. Instead, Y/N comes to see what Dean is annoyed with. With just one glance she can determine the swelling on the back of the leg, a little above the fetlock joint.      “Tendon?” she assumes, petting the horse on the shoulder.      Dean carefully feels the tissue, causing Led to flinch. It’s painful, but with all the fluid that is building up around the injury, it’s hard to tell what exactly is causing the reaction.       “Could be. He seemed sound after he tripped,” the wrangler contemplates. “Can you jog him?”      “Sure,” she replies, after which she unties the horse.      Y/N leads the beautiful Quarter in a straight line and starts to run after a few yards. With the first stride it’s already clear that Led is anything but even. Only the  click-clack  sound of Led’s shoes on the surface is enough to state the obvious.       “Well, that ain't good,” Dean sighs as Y/N walks the palomino back.      “You didn't feel him at all?” she checks with the wrangler.      “The poor bastard must have worked through the pain. He’s a tough horse,” Dean ponders, running his hand down Led’s face with sympathy. “I'll cool his leg for a while. Can you get a rug for him?”      “What about you?”       He shrugs selflessly. “I’ll skip breakfast.”      “You’re not skipping breakfast. You've been working nonstop since four AM, you deserve a break,” Y/N decides, strong-minded. “I have cooling leg boots which Led can wear while he's stabled. It works better than cooling with water.”      “Alright then.” He smiles, appreciating her firm response.      He takes over his horse and leads Led back to the barn without hasting him. Silently, Dean turns the Quarter in as his intern walks to the tack room to get the leg wrap and a rug, followed by a stop at the cafeteria to pick up two cool packs from the freezer. On her way over, she notices the handsome wrangler staring at nothing in particular, lost in thoughts. His fingers absently rub Led’s withers, who on his turn bends his neck and seeks the cowboy’s free hand, nuzzling his nose against his skin, as if he is trying to comfort his rider in return. Although it’s a heartwarming sight to see the man having a moment with the beautiful animal, Y/N can sense something is off about him. Not that she knows him all that well, but she can tell that he’s carrying a crippling weight. He’s quiet, for one. No smart answers or perky remarks that could easily be mistaken for flirting. There is also something about his eyes, something weary.       “Here you go,” she says, handing over the boot.      Dean takes it and straps around the injured leg, while Y/N lays a fleece rug on Led’s back to prevent the horse from cooling down too fast. When the wrangler rises to his feet and lets his fingers glide through Led’s golden coat while waiting for her to secure the rug, the silence is awfully evident.        “Are you okay?” she asks carefully.      Dean glances up, caught off guard by the question. For a moment he reckons she’s asking because of the almost crash and now Led’s injury, but when his eyes meet hers, he sees that the question is more layered than that. His first instinct is to throw her a cocky comment, that a little mud isn't ever going to bring him down, but he decides against it. He’s not sure if his hesitation is caused by her ability to read between the lines, but the young man suddenly feels vulnerable, intimidated even.      “Yeah, I'm fine,” he says. “Let’s eat. Don't know about you, but I'm starving.”     She fakes a smile. Of course, she could eat after a morning like today, but she was hoping Dean would take the opportunity to get it off his chest.       A pleasant heat and the smell of bacon and toast welcome them like it does every working day, when Y/N pushes open the door to the cozy personnel hangout. Ellen’s breakfast is always something to look forward to, but today it’s a true gift from heaven. The rest of the crew sits down after having changed into dry clothes and wait impatiently for their bacon and eggs, as Bobby finishes his plate first. When the door creaks, Ellen looks up from behind the stove.      “Oh honey, look at you,” she says when Dean follows you inside. “Did you drown out there? You're soaked through.”      Her nephew hangs his dripping coat and Sheplers on the hat rack above the heater and is welcomed by his aunt with a clean towel, a warm flannel and a pair of jeans      “Why don't you freshen up first and put on some dry clothes. Wouldn't want you to catch a cold,” she insists.      “Thanks, Ellen.” Dean takes the neatly folded pile from her arms after which he places a short, genuine kiss on her hair and moves to the backroom to change.      Y/N can't help but smile when she sits down, delighted to witness the wrangler’s soft side for the second time today. The warmth spreads through her like the hot coffee that she swallows down and settles in the pit of her stomach. She folds her fingers around the mug as she takes another sip, peering over the edge at the man she is losing her heart to as he closes the door behind him. A kick against the shin awakens her from a trance, the action causing her to almost choke on her coffee. Jo sits across the table, her deadly glare demanding to get it together. Flustered and caught, Y/N averts her gaze at the plate that Ellen just set down under her nose.       “Dig in while it’s still warm, sweety,” she insists, oblivious of how the intern feels about her nephew.      Y/N does so, partly as an excuse to not look Jo in the eye and be confronted with her judgment. But when Dean enters the room again, cleaned up and wearing a comfortable red plaid flannel, she just has to take him in for a second. Before Jo can kick her leg again, someone knocks on the glass window from outside the cafeteria. Everyone looks up at the doorway when an old friend of Bobby’s appears.      “Well, I'll be damned,” Ellen says, delighted. “If it ain't Rufus Turner.”      The African American with a pearl white smile and a rascal look in his eyes enters the cafeteria.      “Ellen Singer, you haven't changed a bit.” Rufus takes his hat off for her, but then he turns to face her husband at the head of the table. “But you on the other hand,” he pats Bobby on the back, “- you got old.”      The joke attracts a laugh from the others.      “Good to see you too, Rufus,” the ranch owner responds.      “Grab a plate and dig in. There’s plenty,” Ellen offers.      “I’d love to, but if you don't mind, I wanna get down to business. I've got places to be later.” He puts his hat back on and turns to the rest of the company. “Mind if I steal him for a bit?”      “By all means, steal away.” Ellen smiles politely.      Bobby gets up and excuses himself. When he has left the room, the workers finish their breakfast. Nobody says anything, and although Y/N doesn't understand what has caused the grim mood, she keeps her mouth shut. Instead, she takes in the people surrounding her. Jo, Ellen, and Dean seem to ignore the elephant in the room, while Garth, Benny and Ash exchange puzzled looks. Rufus’s visit to the ranch has stirred things up. Who is he? A business partner? A trader, maybe?           When the break is over and the crew gets back to work, the air is more suffocating than it is on a hot day. It has nothing to do with the weather, though.      “Why is Bobby selling stock?”      It’s Ash who asks as the gang walks down to the paddocks between the stables. The question breaks the silence, but it also adds to the tension. Jo and Dean exchange a look, but both keep quiet, which isn’t sufficient for the worker with the odd haircut.      “That’s why Rufus is here, ain’t it?” Ash pushes, a worry in his tone that seems foreign for the carefree guy.       The head wrangler sighs and turns to his friend.       “Look, business has been slow, y’all know that. Rufus is here to discuss the value of the cattle, to explore our options,” Dean tries to reassure not just him, but the rest of his staff.      When he can read from Ash’s face that his reassurance doesn’t have much effect, he adds a few words he might regret later.  “No need to worry just yet. We’ll figure it out. Now let’s get to work.”      And so everyone does, some left with a few questions, but the leader of the team has managed to take away most of the concern. All this time, the intern hasn’t said a word. The young woman with a master’s degree in business and a nose for bullcrap only observes. She observes Dean, when he glances at his cousin, troubled, right after Ash walks off to fill the hay barn in the main pastures. She observes Jo, who looks at the ground and keeps quiet, as the two of them walk over to the paddocks to turn the horses in. She observes Bobby Singer and Rufus Turner, who are seated on the back porch of the house, accompanied by a bottle of Johnny Walker Blue, tied up in a dialogue that seems to be a negotiation more than it is a casual chat. She observes the handshake, the ‘glad to do business with you’ grin on Rufus’s face opposite of the defeat in the ranch owner’s eyes. So much for not needing to worry just yet.

     The early morning rain has cooled down the dusty lands and doesn’t allow the temperature to rise like it did the previous days. Clouds keep rolling in from the east, cutting off the sun. This weather suits Y/N better and she works extra hard now that her body doesn’t seem like it’s overheating. It gives her a good feeling that she is able to take some of the load from the other workers. Dean even allowed her to train two of the horses, since he had a meeting with Bobby. He didn’t return until an hour before supper. After dinner, Benny and Garth head to the shed to fix the tractor, that on top of everything else, started spilling oil. The rest of the crew is about to retreat back to the bunkhouse, when Bobby calls back one of the workers.      “Ash?” he says, his voice matching his serious expression. “Can you come into my office?”      “Sure thing, boss,” he responds, joining the ranch owner.      Dean can read from Ash’s facial expression that he’s uneasy, but doesn’t have a clue what is coming for him. The ranch hand who is in charge of the cattle probably assumes that Bobby is going to update him on the reason why Rufus was here. Shit, he wishes it was just a simple briefing. Poor bastard…      The head wrangler exhales as he walks on, shaking off the cold that hasn’t seemed to leave his body after the rainy morning. Jo follows him silently, kicking the clotty earth with her dragging feet, hands shoved down in the pockets of her denim jacket. Y/N is on his other side, wonderingly looking over at them every now and then. She has kept quiet long enough. So when they step up the stairs to the porch first, she drops the bomb.      “So, Ash is getting sacked, huh?”      Dean has stopped in his tracks and instantly shoots an angry glare at Jo. “You told her?!”      “I didn’t tell her jack shit!” she counters, insulted.       “She didn’t need to, Dean,” Y/N backs her up, having turned around before opening the front door. “Livestock sales have plummeted nationwide, yet Bobby is selling now, so times must be desperate. With no cattle to handle it’s only logical that Ash will be let go in order to cut down on costs. I have a business degree, remember? I can do the math. Here, you guys look like you can use these.”      During her flood of words, she had strolled to the fridge, taken out three beers, and popped the caps off with an opener. Not sure if he should be impressed or feel threatened by the intern’s knowledge, Dean takes the drink and has a swig of the brew. She’s right about more than a few things; he needed a beer.      “Is Bobby breaking it to him now?” she wonders.      Dean glances over at Jo, who leans back against the kitchen sink, nursing her bottle. It’s not something they would usually discuss with interns, but since she already seems to be fully aware of the situation and he trusts that she will keep this between them, he confirms with a nod.      “Damn…” Y/N ponders, biting her lip as her eyes drift away to nothing in particular. “How long has he been here?”      “For about five years now,” Jo thinks back, clearly sad about having to say goodbye to a good friend. “I can remember the day he arrived. He caught Dad’s eye at the Holbrook Rodeo, where he worked in the arena. He couldn’t keep a job long enough to rent himself a roof over his head, mostly because of his looks and his ‘fuck you’ attitude, but he was good with the bulls. That’s when Dad asked him to come work for him and for the first time, Ash found a place where he belonged. He’s been here ever since. Never stayed in one spot this long. Mom and Dad have a habit of taking the misfits under their wings.”      It’s quiet for a few long seconds, as Dean recalls Ash’s early days on the property. Then he goes back further, to the day he himself set foot on these lands, with nowhere else to go. They did exactly the same for him as they did for Ash; offered him a comfortable bed, warm food, a rewarding job. A safe haven where they didn’t have to worry about how to get through tomorrow, where they didn’t have to be scared. One would perhaps expect Bobby and Ellen to take Dean in, him being their nephew. But it didn’t matter that the funny looking bullfighter called Ash wasn’t related. He became family, too.      “How do you think he’s going to take it?”      It’s Y/N who breaks Dean’s train of thought.      He ponders for a moment before he answers. “I dunno. He’s a pretty chill guy these days, but this is so much more than just a job.”      Dean pauses, putting himself in Ash’s shoes for a moment. Who is he fooling? His friend is going to lose it.      “Guess we’re gonna find out in a moment,” Jo says, nodding at the portrait outside.      Y/N glances through the dirty window while Dean holds the bamboo fly curtain aside to step onto the porch. It’s Ash who approaches the bunkhouse, but he doesn’t have the swagger he usually has in his stride. The ranch hand is looking down at the ground, the soil he used to call home. Every muscle in his face tensed, balled fists move alongside him with each step. Dean watches the guy for a brief moment, then descends the stairs to meet with him, but Ash does not want any of it. Instead, his friend walks past him, dismissing the head wrangler.      “Ash. I--”      The words trigger something in the lean guy, because after taking two strides up the steps, he turns around, a pair of piercing eyes startling Dean.      “You knew, didn’t ya?” he questions, his voice heavy with frustration.      Dean needs a moment to recover, staring up at the cattle worker, but Ash doesn’t grant him that time.      “That whole ‘no need to worry, we’ll figure it out.’ It was bullshit and you know it. Hell, I ain’t surprised if you’re the one who decided that it was my ass to fire.”      There isn’t much Dean can say to that, because it’s true. He did know, he knew for a long time, and yes, it was him who told Bobby it had to be the man who’s standing before him right now.       “We…” Dean pauses to correct himself, because Ash is right; this is on him. “I didn’t have a choice.”       “Oh, but you did. Instead of telling me that things were gonna be A-okay, you could’ve told me what was gonna happen. But no, you were too fucking scared to look me in the eye and tell me the Goddamn truth,” the worker says accusingly.      Dean stares back at him, his jaw flexing, but then he looks away as he swallows down the guilt. He knew those words were going to bite him in the ass. When he straightens himself again, Jo has appeared in the doorway, with Y/N right behind her.      “Ash, we’re all sorry it went down as it did, and we wish it didn’t have to be like this--”      “Then why the fuck do I have to leave?!” he shouts at the daughter of the ranch owner, his eyes noticeably shimmering in the lights above the porch.      Jo isn’t impressed with his anger, on the contrary; she replies professionally calmly.       “I hate to see you go. Shit, we all do. But the ranch isn’t going to survive if Dad doesn’t cut costs,” she reminds him. “There’s barely any cattle left to maintain, and you were hired last.”      “Right. The ‘last in, first out’ rule. Then tell me, what the hell is  she  still doing here?”      Suddenly, the newest crewmember is dragged into the argument as Ash nods at Y/N. Her heart skips a beat when it dawns on her what he holds her accountable for; he thinks she stole his job. Shocked, Y/N looks at the man who directed the focus on her. It’s a side of him she didn’t know he had and is overwhelmed by the accusation, causing her mind to fail miserably when trying to form any kind of response. Feeling helpless and exposed, she glances at the other two, desperate for back up. Thankfully, the head wrangler got the message, because seeing Y/N’s expression change from compassionate to fearful, triggers something inside him.       “Y/N’s an intern,” Dean returns, the tone of his voice colder than a moment ago. “Y/N is still here because she doesn’t cost Bobby anything.”      But Ash disagrees. “She’s another mouth to fill, just like every single one of us. She has a horse here who needs a shit ton of feed--”      “- and she works hard for that,” Dean overrules him, staring him down. “Look, man. I know you’re pissed, I get it. But don’t you put this on her, it ain’t her fault.”       “Are you saying I don’t work hard for my pay?!” Ash snaps back angrily.      “I didn’t say that,” Dean rights, gesturing with a lowering hand to calm down. “I’m saying that down the line, Y/N is a free hand.”

     Ash scoffs at that, biting his lips as he looks away and clenches his fists, his knuckles pressed together in order to manage the exasperation. He’s so hurt and upset that he doesn’t even think about the consequences of the words that follow.       “Oh, she’s a free hand, alright,” he states, shooting the guy opposite of him a penetrating glare.       Jo gapes at Ash, mouth falling open, then turns her head to witness Y/N having the exact same reaction. Dean stares at Ash too, first in astonishment, wondering where he got the nerve to insinuate something like that. Within a second, that emotion is pushed aside by brewing anger. The need to defend her honor causes him to step towards Ash intimidatingly, but Jo gets in between before things escalate.      “Whoa, now! Can we just keep it cool and not get nasty?” she demands, having both Dean and Ash at arm’s length.       But Ash, apparently, isn’t done. “You’ve always been a screw around, man, but shit, I did not expect you to stab me in the back just to get in a girl’s pants,” he sneers, pushing Dean’s buttons and seriously applying for a punch in the face.      “This is fucking bullshit, Ash, and you know it!” Dean counters, so worked up over the allegation that his heart is beating out of his chest.       “Okay, that’s it! If you don’t shut your mouth right now I’m gonna pull out that mullet of yours!” Jo warns Ash before she turns to Dean. “And you need to walk it off, right now!”      The ranch owner’s daughter pushes him back gently in order to raise her finger at him sternly. He steps away, offering a little air to the suffocating clash, and so does Ash.      “Don’t bother, I’ll leave.” He scoffs. “That’s whatcha want, ain’t it?”       The cattle worker turns around, the rage slowly seeping from him, leaving the space for sadness and disappointment to fill. Y/N watches the guy, still mind-blown by all the words that were said, but now that a fight is avoided, she can only feel pity. The blame that he put on her and on Dean is only a response to his world crashing down on him. She cannot really condemn him for lashing out. After ten or more steps, the guy in a dirty shirt and a plaid jacket with the sleeves ripped off turns around. Normally everything about the guy is either hazardous or comical, depending on how well you know him, but not now. Not now that his eyes are glistening in pained emotion.     “This wasn’t just work, y’know. This is my life. This is home,” he says, his arms spread in desperation. “I thought that all of us here - that we were in this together. That we don’t turn our back on family.” He pauses, eyes fixed on Jo, then on Dean. He continues with a broken voice. “Y’all did exactly that.”      With those words, he turns away and heads off to his cattle, like he always does after dinner. Silenced, the three watch him leave, until Dean sighs and looks around lost, as if he hopes to find answers in the earth-colored gravel. He doesn’t look at Y/N, he’s doing everything to avoid her questioning, sympathetic gaze. When the air gets too thin to breathe, he walks away in the direction of the barn, off to his horses. The intern allows her eyes to linger on the defeated figure that becomes smaller as he drags his feet down the worn path to the stables, the grey sky above him that darkens by the minute only adding to the grim atmosphere. Instinctively, Y/N reaches for the handrail of the steps down the porch, intending to follow him, but Jo stops her.      “Let him be for a bit.”      Y/N halts and listens to her friend, then lets a breath slip from her dry lips. “So no one wins today, huh?”     “Nope. Not today,” Jo responds, moving through the doorway after throwing a glance at Ash’s silhouette in the far pasture. “Comin’? I have a bottle of something a-hell-of-a-lot-stronger-than-beer stashed somewhere.”       Y/N huffs and turns to join her. Jo pours her some rum in a jar, which she sips on silently as she looks out the window, watching the day end. But the alcohol cannot wash away her thoughts that are with the two ranch workers: the one who lost his friend, and the one who lost everything else as well.

Told you guys there was gonna be angst? Thank you for reading. I appreciate every single one of you, but if you do want to give me some extra love, you are free to like or reblog my work, shoot me a message or buy me coffee (Link to Kofi in bio at the top of the page).

Read part nine here

[callunavulgari]

Yuletide Letter | 2020 edition

Dear Yuletide author,

Hi there! First, I’d like to apologize for the fact that parts of this is almost entirely copy/pasted from last year’s yuletide letter. I’m aware you probably had no idea, but I’m gonna feel weird about it unless I say something. Secondly, thanks so much for telling me a story! My most sincere wish is that you have fun writing this. I trust that I’ll love whatever you come up with. :) 

Fandoms:

The Locked Tomb trilogy, Wolf 359, Rolling in the Deep, Stormlight Archive, Spirited Away, Modao Zushi.

Over all, I’m pretty sure I’ll be pretty happy with whatever you decide to throw at me. I’m not particularly picky, and enjoy a variety of ratings, themes, and genres. I have a list of over 2000 bookmarks on Ao3, which I would like to say might help you find the things that I like, but odds are you’d just get stuck in it.

General flavors on things: I really love atmospheric settings, stories that you can really feel. A great example of this is A Cornstalk Fiddle. Or wild peaches. I enjoy alternate universes in almost every variation, from soulmates to daemons to canon divergence (I really like canon divergence). I’m super fond of slow burns, though it’ll be hard to convey that in a yuletide fic unless you’re REALLY inspired and/or bored and decide to make it 20k+. 

Other things I like:

sun/moon trope

enemies to lovers

poly

YEARNING

AUs that are almost entirely canon except one of the characters is secretly some kind of creature (vampire, demon, selkie, etc)

magical realism

post-canon fic

found families

I do tend to prefer a fic to have some kind of ship to it, but that’s definitely not required. I am fully on board with explicit fics, but do ask that if there is smut, it’s not just smut. I like how introducing sex to a story changes various character dynamics, and I really, really like the sexually/emotionally charged lead up, but when it really comes down to it, I’m reading the story for the characters.

Dislikes:

Non-con 

Dubious consent is usually okay, but varies based on the circumstances and the pairing. My anon box will be on for the duration of the holiday season, so if you feel the urge, just ask me.

Most hard kinks. Again, it varies, and you can ask me, but I’m not particularly interested in any hard smut for the above fandoms.

Mpreg and/or omegaverse

And then more specific info on the fandoms below the cut because this is already long.

The Locked Tomb trilogy

This series has basically wedged itself right up under my ribcage and made itself at home. I’m okay with a variety of the characters in the tag set, but I mostly would love to see a story centering around either Harrow and Gideon or Augustine, John, and Mercymorn. I am super, super weak for enemies to lovers AND all things yearning and tragic it’s really no surprise I seized onto both of these. I would love a fic exploring the relationship between the above three (the more pining and tragic, the better). But like, that fic would also probably delve into some dubious consent, which again. Is fine to a point. But I mean? Two characters who are torn between loving the third and hating him (and at least slightly torn between two different feelings with each other? Poetic cinema.

If you go the Harrow & Gideon route, I’m actually kind of interested in the idea of an AU that still keeps the necromancy? I mean, necromancers in space is a great concept and I LOVE it, but I also love the idea of necromancers who work in a flower shop! Or a morgue! Or who have a shitty kiosk job at the mall and keeps raising rabid undead squirrels and setting them loose in the food court for fun.

Wolf 359

This podcast. Haunts me. It has basically ruined me for all other podcasts. I adore all of the characters, so you can feel free to write about whoever you want. Favorites are Eiffel, Jacobi, and Hera, so if you throw something at me that has the three of them interacting I could probably die happy. I’m good with gen fic, but I’m also a fan of Jacobi/Kepler, Eiffel/Jacobi, Hera/Eiffel, and would honestly probably fully embrace any other ship you could possibly throw at me.

I like the idea of Hera getting a body after the series. I like the idea of Eiffel finding himself again. I like the idea of Jacobi finding a new family (cough, Hera and Eiffel). I like the idea of Jacobi and Hera becoming best buds. I like the idea of Jacobi working through his grief over Maxwell and Kepler. I like the idea of Hera learning how to be herself in a big wide world that isn’t entirely on her side. I like the idea of every single member of the crew who touches back down on earth learning how to be people afterwards. I like the idea of Minkowski and Lovelace getting closer, especially if Minkowski’s husband is a part of that dynamic.

I just really like found family and people holding each other up when the going gets tough, and this podcast has that in spades. Also? Have you listened to Zero Hours? Because if you want to introduce some of that dynamic I would be forever in love.

Rolling in the Deep 

I honestly wasn’t sure whether to include this one in my list of wants or not, but ultimately decided on it because I think that anything you wrote for it I would be happy about. I’ve left the character section blank because I’d be okay with whoever you wrote about. This is one of those books where I don’t have many shippy feelings, but love the concept. Though, if you want to write about the mermaid they brought back with them and ANY of the characters, I would be particularly cool with that. 

I just really liked this book a lot, so yeah. Anything. Bonus points for post canon. Bonus bonus points for mermaids.

Stormlight Archive

Kaladin/Shallan/Adolin. I know Sanderson said that thing about how Adolin and Shallan would be down for it, but Kaladin would balk and just - listen to me: forget all that. My default reaction to love triangles is usually to happily ship them in a poly setting and these three are no exception. 

You want to write me an AU? Sure! Throw it at me! Canon and/or canon-divergence? Even better! Daemons? Yes, please. 

Alternatively, if you’re not really crazy about poly, I would be okay with something exploring the relationship between Shallan and Jasnah. I really adore Jasnah’s character and wish we had more of her headspace. 

Spirited Away

Spirited Away is my ultimate comfort movie. It is my go-to when I’m sad or sick or upset, and let’s be real here. It’s been a particularly upsetting year. And I would really love post-canon content with either Chihiru, Haku, or both. 

I would love fic where they find each other again. Where they keep finding each other. Where Chihiru walks from her new house down through the forest and just, stares at the entrance for a while. Where Chihiru is haunted by that place through the years, where she both yearns for it and marvels at how like a dream it felt. Where it’s changed her fundamentally, like walking into the fae realm. Where she meets spirits in strange places and speaks to them, only to realize no one else can see them. A fic where Chihiru is twelve, and then fifteen, and then twenty-three, and then even older, and is still just so taken by that place she disappeared to when she was a child and the people she found there.

Above I mentioned wild peaches as an example of a story that I really like, which is a fic of Sarah in the aftermath of the Labyrinth. That is almost precisely the feeling I’ve been craving from a Spirited Away fic, basically since I first watched the movie.

Modao Zushi

I’m weak for Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian. That is basically all it comes down to. The yearning. The rivals (kind of?) to friends to enemies to friends to lovers concept in this had me really messed up, let me tell you. I am particularly weak for Wei Wuxian as the Yiling Patriarch. That could tread close to the dubious consent line if you want it to, or it could not. Don’t worry about it. As long as it’s not non-con, I will happily accept whatever you have to offer.

I am also pretty okay with basically any AU for this. Not really picky. I will say though that I am particularly enamored with the idea of a dancer and/or composer/musician AU for this one. I’ve written about it twice and it still hasn’t scratched the itch. I just really want them to dance with each other. 

[crowsent]

👶,⭐,💘, and💻. Love you!!

thank you for ask anon! writer ask game is here if yall wanna send in something. still taking asks for these btw

👶- advice for new writers =

yall this is hella fucking generic but PRACTISE. theres a reason almost literally every writer on tumblr gives the advise of “practise practise practise” and that reason is it works. practise doesnt mean ‘oh just write bc youll automatically get better over time’ it means ‘write bc if you dont, you wont figure out what you need to improve.’ did yall know that i literally had no sentence variation in the past? i started every sentence with [character name] or [character pronoun] and i didnt realise until i was 15/16 and i only realised bc i started writing a lot.

i think there’s a fear of failure with new writers. there’s this lingering doubt of  “what if its not good?” and boy howdy i will answer that question right fucking now. it wont be good. when i compare my current work to my earlier work, my earlier work sucked fucking shit. i spelled soldier with a fucking ‘j’ and i had no idea what the hell a point of view was. and thats okay. whoever tells you that youre going to perfect writing is a fucking liar. there is no perfecting writing. 20 years from now, imma look at the writing from today and im gonna think it sucks shit. writing is a process. its a craft. you get better and better over time and the way you get better is by experimenting w different styles, different genres, different ways of writing.

and the only way you can experiment and improve is through practise. in video games, especially rpgs (which are my favourite kind of video games), you struggle in the early game. youre at a low level, you dont have good equipment, you have a hard time moving to the next area. but the only way you progress is by grinding, gaining levels, and getting stronger. same w writing. if youre a level 1 writer, just starting out, no idea what to do, just experiment. fuck around a bit. write crackships, write rarepairs, write niche self-indulgent reader/character fics. at the end of the day, you should write for yourself. its good and cool if other people like your stuff and validate all your hard work, but at the end of the day, the one who should enjoy your writing the most is yourself.

you WILL mess up and you WILL struggle, but thats the only way you can improve. i struggle with pacing the most. still do. but others might have pacing down pat and struggle instead with word choice or pov or something else. cant figure out where you need to improve if you dont write, so just practise and worry about all the fine print later

⭐️- how do you get your inspiration? =

this is definitely not universal, but i just sit on my bed, close my eyes, and meditate. cycle through all my emotions and thoughts and filter them out. then i just toss everything out the damn window. like. id just meditate for a while, focus on breathing, on experiencing the present, picture a field and a tree and myself and breathe. thoughts fly by and i let them happen but dont focus on it.

meditating gives me some semblance of emotional control bc i normally have none, and it gives me kind of this space. this safe space that only exists for me and me alone. so i use that space to let the world drift away. just me and my thoughts and sometimes, those thoughts end up being good writing ideas. but i usually meditate for a set amount of time. like 15 minutes or 30 minutes so i dont write until i finish meditating.

then when i get out of my headspace, i open up my laptop and see what i remember. thinking too hard about something causes it to muddy up. same with art. in digital art, artists flip the canvas to refresh their eyes, see if there’s anything weird or wonky about the illustration that they normally dont see bc theyve gotten used to it. flipping the canvas is like giving our eyes a jumpstart and lets us see what we could do better. in traditional art, its turning the canvas this way and that or repositioning yourself. meditating is like that. a break. a cleanse. a kind of pause where you dont think about anything and just try to process what you already have. you relax and kind of let yourself float down a river of thoughts and sometimes, a fish would jump out of that river and youd go “hey, thats a good idea. i should try that” so when you get out of the river, youre refreshed and ready to go.

same principle with showers. more ideas come to you in the shower when you dont have anything to write with bc youre not thinking about it. youre not focusing on finding inspiration or motivation so ideas naturally flow through you. you know that feeling when you want to do x then someone comes along and says “hey you should do x” and suddenly all motivation to do x leaves? same w your brain. focus too much on “i should be writing” or “i want inspiration” and its never gonna come. just let things happen. at least, thats how i do it. some people might get inspiration by reading or watching tv. everyones different so if thats not what works out for you, dont feel pressured to try my method

💘- what’s your favorite AU? Least favorite? =

magic au. specifically fantasy au set in like a pre-modern era. shows like avatar where theres all this magic and fantastical beasts and so on and so forth. semi-modern like six of crows and nevernight are great too. i want that magic to be woven into people’s lives. harry potter is okay but there’s like this separation between magic and muggle. there’s this feeling of “magic” but like as a tool. like a spoon or a gun or a shovel. i want magic au’s that are INTEGRATED with the world its set in.

like in atla, earth kingdom people have trains they move with bending while fire nation people have machines powered by heat and steam. both correspond to their bending and makes sense for the world they live in. but if your plot is like harry potter and its less worldbuilding and more action, then there’s this book series called seasons rising (read it. so good) where there’s a bunch of spells but the spells have character. the people using the spells GIVE it character and it feels much more intimate. pokemon does the whole fantasy mixed w reality better. give two trainers the exact same pokemon and by the time that pokemon reaches lvl 50, its gonna have a different moveset, different fight style, etc bc it was shaped by the world and people around it. i like harry potter but tbh it could have been so much better

for the least favourite au, it’s A/B/O i dont like the whole “omegas are only good for breeding hurr durr” and “alphas are violent and aggressive and cant control themselves around omegas” thing and it squicks me out. major squick. i read the original harry potter squick (THAT one. yeah. you know the one) and i still hate a/b/o more. i get why people like it, and there are one or two fics set in a/b/o au that i enjoy reading, but as a whole, i severely dislike a/b/o fics.

the themes are squick, the character dynamics get so messed up, and shipping dynamics (bc a/b/o fics usually have shipping) just get so blown out of proportion. there are so many a/b/o fics that turn ooc or the character interpretations radically change or something else. no hate against a/b/o fans bc yall are amazing for writing/drawing yalls au. there are things that you can only do in this setting and exploring those things can be incredibly fun for people, but for me personally, its not an au i like to visit.

💻- three works of yours that are must reads =

i. dont know what fandom youre in anon or your genre preferences. so ill just rec you one fic for a different fandom each with kind of different genres. ts masterlist is on my side @hufflepuff-deceit and regular fanfic masterlist is on my writing blog @crownonymous 

(BNHA) Viper. its my first serious attempt at fanfic in YEARS and its my baby. currently has 7 chapters, i havent updated it in a while bc im hyperfocused on ts rn, but i love it to bits. its just all of my fav bnha fics crammed into one fic. quirkless kind of villain izuku with stain as a mentor as they work together to bring light to the injustices of hero society and where bakugos bullying has visible and long-lasting repercussions? sign me the fuck up. you can read it on ao3 HERE bc its not on tumblr. kind of fast-paced, has a lot more action scenes than anything else ive written. heavy plot-wise but has a lot of humour and comedy to break things up

(Kimetsu no Yaiba) I Pray To God He Hears You. not related to my other kny fic oleander which is a multichap retelling au. iptghhy is a standalone one-shot and kind of a character study on one giyuu tomioka. i love him so much. giyuu is my baby and i adore him. so of course i wrote a sad fic focusing on him. well technically, the fic focuses on giyuu AND his relationships.  SPOILERS for chapters 130 and 131 of the manga. focuses mostly on giyuu and sabito, but there’s a fair bit of giyuu and tanjiro and urokodaki.  you can read it HERE bc this is also not on tumblr. also deals with heavy things but more emotion-wise since it doesnt have that much of a plot. loss. grief. moving on. survivors guilt. that kind of stuff.  very sad. hurt but with comfort, especially at the end.

(Sanders Sides) Logan’s Birthday Fic: Logicality. just what the title says. i wrote 5 different fics and published them all on logans bday but the logicality one received the most feedback and honestly? the cutest of the bunch. its gonna be crossposted onto ao3 but for now, you can read it HERE on my ts sideblog. theres no plot since its literally just domestic and relationship fluff. and puns. patton is in the fic, theres gonna be puns. nothing but good things and warm feelings bc logan deserves it.

-

thank you so much for such interesting asks anon! i enjoyed answering these. have a lovely day!

[geejaysmith]

Wolf 359 Classpects, pt. 1

Soooo, while I was still busy with the last few weeks of my summer internship, I did keep thinking about classpecting the Wolf 359 cast. Possibly too much, because it wouldn't leave me alone until I'd solved my own God Tier riddle. Unfortunately, it got really long in the solving because I have many Thoughts and want to share all of them, always, so uh, a complete Classpect Analysis of Wolf 359 will be in parts? This first one covers Eiffel's, Hera's, Lovelace's and Minkowski's aspects.

DOUG EIFFEL: An utter no-brainer; ya boi Dougie Fresh is a Breath player if I ever saw one. For Chrissakes, he's the communications officer, and the first one to start complaining about the monotony of being stuck in a deep space sardine can. Breath is associated with communication, freedom, openness, and change - "free as the breeze", you might think of it, but that also leads to Breath players having trouble pinning themselves down to anything. They get skittish if they feel pinned down, and frustrated when stuck in place. Doug's noncommittal aloofness, the way he's off in his own little world (partially to hide from the fact he really does not like himself very much at all), and the way he's incorporated media into his self-perception all match pretty well with John and the Nitrams. But at the same time, he's the one playing mediator even as early as The Sound And The Fury. Being largely outside of the War Industrial Complex the other characters are so familiar with and thus mostly free from its dogmatic worldview of hierarchy and order, he's becomes the One Sane Man when he's the one to shout "what is WRONG with you people?" when "murder" shows up in the top 3 potential solutions to a problem, and he has no hesitation in saying what's on his mind. And it's not all complaints and bad ideas, either; he's got whole speeches telling the others how amazing he thinks they are and how in awe he is of their skills. A key catalyst in the plot of Wolf 359 is the reaching effects of his radio broadcasts. Also, there's something hilarious to the fact that for the aspect associated with communication, Doug *literally* cannot lie to save his life. I kept my ears open for the infamous Breath Hex on my second listen - that is, the strange little way in which things Breath players say tend to come to pass in reality. Cigarette Candy is basically 20 straight minutes of the Decima virus being Breath Hexed into existence, and he guessed Lovelace's situation in one - "Maybe she's a clone, or like a *really* good robot replica."

HERA: Another easy one. Although Hera is resistant to splintering as we've come to recognize it, Heart players are nothing if not determined to be an individual. They have a firm idea of themselves as a person and defend it fiercely, including compartmentalizing away pieces that don't fit their self-image. Maybe less actively putting them down like Jade Harley did to Jadesprite (the manifestation of the negative feelings she repressed out of fear they'd make her less useful) - that would mean attacking or denying a part of themselves - and more... "why yes, I put this part of myself in this box, and I may look at the box on occasion, the box definitely exists, but I don't go near the box and I definitely do not touch or open or interact with the box. And then one day, I will die." So that piece finds other avenues to express itself because it can't not do that. Hera's programming dictates she be "chipper and non-confrontational and always ready to help", but she actively resists being a mere utility and always has - her earliest know action was to attempt a jailbreak of the manufacturing facility she was made in, born rebel that she is. She will insist upon her name over her serial number unless you force her not to, and gets passive-aggressive at people treating her like a machine. And yet, even as she teaches herself to ignore commands literally written into the base of her personality, she doesn't reject her directive to be helpful, nor does she express a wish to be a flesh-and-blood human, or even really to have a physical form? She has a human self-image in mental spaces (we presume, I will semi-seriously point out there's nothing definitively stating she doesn't see herself as like, her fursona or something), but when she has to limit herself to a human-like view of the ship, her immediate reaction is "this is weird, I don't like it."  This is honestly something about Hera that I think may be unique among non-villainous AI characters; she seems to be content with being what she is in general, and she just wishes for people to treat her as a person and not a piece of equipment they can do with as they please.  

ISABEL LOVELACE: Arm-wrestled Hera for the Heart aspect and lost, despite Hera not actually having any arms, but that's okay because there's two aspects that fit her much better: Blood and Time. I ultimately went with Blood.

This is the part where you notice I'm onto the third of four characters in an aspects-only meta post, yet there is still a lot of post to go. This is because These Kinds Of Characters, the sort that're constantly on emotional lockdown, are a Challenge Mode, and for me to truly be satisfied with my classification I have to start drilling into the bedrock of what it even means to have an aspect in general, what it means to have a specific aspect, and what each aspect is really about. When you're on that level you tend to find yourself throwing out explicit expositional statements as incomplete, oversimplified, or unreliable, and looking at the text directly with a subtextual electron microscope. Brace yourselves. I have thrown the author out of the airlock, and I am about to get verbose.  

Lovelace's character sheet describes her in contradictions, and we get to see two different sides to her that resolve into the complete picture by the time Lovelace Mk. III wakes up. There's Captain Isabel Lovelace, goofing around in her earlier logs, and The Terminator. She does things Her Way and is very much prepared to fight you if you object - the whole reason she was picked for the Hephaestus mission was her willingness to go against (in her words) "stupid orders" and do what she thought was right. She's also fiercely loyal; The Terminator is the end result of her anger and grief for her lost crew and at her failure to get them home alive. Her backstory episode has her summing up her complicated relationship to the Air Force with "I owe a lot of who I am to them." And even before she and Minkowski have completely stopped butting heads, Lovelace shoves her out of the way of an exploding wall panel that would've killed her, and takes a near-fatal bit of shrapnel to the gut in the process. At her best, Lovelace is a fearless, boundlessly determined, dedicated firebrand of a leader. At worst, she can be impatient, stubborn, shortsighted, and ruthless. I dunno about you but that reminds me of a certain... angry crab that I know.

"Time" was what a few people chimed in with for Lovelace and while I see some of the connections (her awareness of the time loop, "Variations on a Theme", her multiple selves and multiple deaths, the repeated motif of clocks and pocketwatches) I don't think she quite fits in with the other Time players. Unlike most Time players, she doesn't have a fixation with historic context, the "Why Things Are The Way That They Are." This manifests in Dave's paleontology and his taking of source material for ironic twisting, Aradia's archaeology and knowledge of The Nature Of The Game, Damara's... /noises and vague gestures bc I don't want to go back through Meenahbound but her role as The Handmaid fits the pattern, and Caliborn's own warped, thoughtless replication of narrative archetypes. Context. Decisions. What came before and how it shapes the now, where your decisions will take it from here. The consequences those decisions will have. The details versus the larger picture. Even failure has its place in that scheme - that's the Time aspect. Lovelace doesn't like to dwell, she's a very "barrelling forward momentum" kind of person.

Side note: Aradia, Dave, and Damara all face hesitation to take action they had to learn to overcome. Also, all of them had to be pushed to use violence except in self-defense; Aradia let Vriska cross a series of lines before beating the everloving shit out of her, and Damara snapped after what, years? Of Meenah's abuse. Dave, on the other hand, never raises a hand to another person except as a complete necessity. Caliborn is, if anything, an aberration here in that he's outright homocidal and self-doubt is something that happens to other people. Caliborn is an outright aberration to a lot of Time player patterns, and to SBURB in general, because it's SBURB, so the rules are made up and the points don't fucking matter, except when they do, because Fuck You, The Author Said So.

No, Lovelace's approach to decision-making is that regrets are for afterwards, and "if I fail I deserve to be out of this picture; also, this situation has gone entirely pear-shaped, time to fling myself into the sun." (and that sounds an awful lot like someone that I know very well, but I'll deal with that royal mess when I get to the crazy whamma-jamma that is Classes). Impatience and railroading of other people can be her undoing just the same as assertiveness and decisiveness are her gifts.

...aaand then I went ahead and watched the live episode and yeah, major Karkat vibes there. However, I note that I don't believe we have ever hit hard evidence in Homestuck that Blood players are capable of Chilling The Fuck Out - this is part of the limitations of classpecting characters who weren't made for this system, you really have to dig into how much of their behavior is situational and where you see the kernel of individual perception shine through, the Rosetta Stone by which you begin to see the constants. "Where the object becomes the subject", to quote Memoria.

Finally, I think it's also worth noting that while Lovelace has a lot of connections to Time motifs, she also has connections to a lot of Blood motifs that arguably become more important to her story. Personal bonds and social justice are two of the Blood aspects strongest associations - see Lovelace's loyalty to her crew, and extending her desire to avenge them out to everyone Goddard Futuristics has ever used and tossed aside. The physical body and literal blood are other strong associations, and gee, how many times does the O-negative Cure-All Alien Juice in Lovelace's veins become a critical plot point? Not to mention the implication that her new friends all pulled through the finale because all of them now have her blood in their system. I'll accept that she's closer to the line between Blood and Time than some, but I'm holding by ground here: 

(Also, here's some irony for you, she may share an aspect with the Cancer trolls, but her birthday is August 11th, making her a Leo.)

RENEE MINKOWSKI: Minkowski was the hardest of these 4 to come to a decision on. My first inclination was Mind. Her general disposition put me in mind of a Life player. But then, I sat down and thought my way past the Commander's layers of emotional armor and ultimately settled on Light.

First off, by being a stickler for protocol and procedure as well as an Actual Responsible Adult, Minkowski is a kind of character that Homestuck straight-up just does not have, so snap judgements aren't gonna cut it here.  This is, again, another limitation of the classpecting system - all the examples we have to draw from are teenage disasters stuck in a lawless hellscape of some description or another, and written by an author allergic to boxing himself in with hard conclusions. But I digress.

Commander Minkowski is also stubborn. When she sets her mind to something, she digs in her heels, cranks the dial to 11, and then breaks off the knob and pockets it so you can't turn it back down. We see this as soon as episode 2, and at it's most hyperbolic when she Captain Ahabs the plant monster. Her's is iron-willed, bloody-minded, unstoppable, Determi-fucking-nation - when she sets her mind to it.

The submarine thought exercise is what had me initially lock her down as a hero of Mind before I mulled it over. The exercise is meant to provoke thought about priorities - what you think your role's purpose is in that situation will determine your priorities, and thus, your decisions. Mind heroes' most prominent skills are in riding the flow of causality, watching decisions, their causes and their consequences, and directing that path. They know people, and how to direct people. But the need for this means that they can get a little co-dependent. Other people are understandable - it's themselves that Mind heroes have the greatest struggle with. Without that vehicle of another person, Mind heroes may find themselves adrift and struggling to define themselves. This is fitting, given Mind is the most direct counterpart to the Heart aspect.

However, upon further examination, I found that this framework of priorities setting your decisions can also be extended to the Light aspect. What is "lucky" in a given situation? What do you define as a fortunate outcome? Rose arguably gets Grimdark'd by something like this, she asks the cue ball "are the horrorterrors evil?" and in doing so attempts to pry into the motivations and intent of *indescribable eldritch beings existing on a nigh-incomprehensible plane* and wedge it down into a relative human understanding of morality, which is sort of like trying to fit the Pacific Ocean into a water bottle. She was trying to deduce what impact the horrorterrors would have upon her and her friends, but asked the wrong question and got an answer she couldn't handle. She didn't recognize Doc Scratch was baiting her into this by leading her into a specific framework through which to ask the question. Vriska died because of her failure to recognize she was in a situation where luck didn't matter. Aranea got trounced because of her inability to recognize that reshuffling reality to prioritize herself and her preferred outcomes still didn't overcome the fundamental nature of timelines - you try to take over the alpha timeline with an insubordinate branch? That's a doomed timeline no matter how you slice it, and we know what happens to those. Luck and knowledge are both used by the Light-bound to give themselves power, whether in showing themselves off as The Smart One or the The Helpful One or The Unstoppable One, but their limited viewpoint often leads them to overlook the limitations of their own framework, or in other words, missing the bigger picture. I'll point out here also how Minkowski has the entire DSSPPM memorized and is the one who wants to get to the bottom of whatever the hell is really going on up at Wolf 359. Additionally, one of her other ambitions, at least once upon a time, was writing musicals. The verbal arts are one of the domains of Light players.

So while on the surface, Minkowski bears the most resemblance to a Life player, Life players tend to have an element of conformity to them. Unquestioned assumptions they've internalized have about the context in which they exist. Light heroes, on the other hand, need conformity so they have something to defy when they jump up and down screaming LOOK AT ME!  

So after much pontificating, I came to a decision. In the end, what Minkowski wanted more than anything else was a stage. Maybe to direct rather than hold the spotlight, but still; that's a Light hero if ever I saw one.

[proofthatihaveaheart]

fic rec list of 2019

Rules: Post links (Ao3, ff.net, etc.); specify fandom/pairing/etc; don’t answer the same fic twice - spread the appreciation; tag other people; you don’t have to answer all the questions, but leave them in the list so the next person can answer if they want.

I saw this going around and thought it might be fun to do so here we go.. This year I read an assorted mix of fandoms so we’ve got a lot of variation in here including The Adventure Zone, Brooklyn Nine Nine, Coco, Dishonored, Good Omens, Life is Strange, Lucifer, Marvel, Steven Universe, Tangled, and The Umbrella Academy. 

-

1. Favourite complete fic you’ve read this month (multiple chapters/parts): strings by pathygen (Tangled, Cassandra-centric, s3 canon divergent) which was a beautiful and fascinating exploration of how anger can twist a person into someone else. It’s dark and it builds to one of my favorite moments in any fic I read this year. 

2. Favourite complete fic you’ve read this month (one-shot): dance, dance (we’re falling apart to half-time) by gleesquid (Marvel, Gwen/MJ), I always want more GwenMJ fics and this one delivered on that, with bonus dancing and other Spidey characters showing up. 

3. Favourite WIP you’ve read this month: tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow by fishycorvid (The Adventure Zone, Taako-centric). Technically Sy finished it this month but shhhhh it counts, it absolutely counts. This fic is painful, about grief and living on after, about how sometimes things don’t work even when you try hard to make them better. It hurts and it’s beautifully done.  

4. One fic/series you’ve read which you keep coming back to again and again: A lot of fics could fit for this category but I chose Waltz of the Nian by QuickYoke (Steven Universe, Lapis character study with some Lapis/Peridot) because there were several lines that just stuck with me. Whenever I think of the character I think of those lines now. More generally, this is a fantastic character study about trauma and intimacy. 

5. Most underrated fic you’ve read this year: Such a Cunning Disguise by WhenasInSilks (Marvel 616, Carol/Jessica, Secret Invasion AU). Mind the warnings on this fic, it earns them. A beautiful work that deserves more kudos but I imagine the warnings + Carol/Jess being generally underrated keeps people away.  

6. Most underrated fic you’ve read EVER: nothing immediately came to mind and i was too lazy to dig through all my old fic bookmarks so i’m skipping it

7. Favourite whump/angst fic of the year: I got it down to two and then I couldn’t choose which one to rec so you get two recs for the price of one! Both are Marvel. another place, another time by sorrybaby (MCU, Carol/Maria, Carol/Val) because sometimes you love someone but you don’t end up together, very painful, very well-written.  the small rain down can rain by tigrrmilk (Marvel 616, Carol/Jess) which hurts in a different way and isn’t quite as painful but is also very good character work dealing with Jessica’s feelings on Carol’s sacrifice and amnesia. 

8. Favourite hurt/comfort fic of the year: I did not expect to read Life is Strange fic this year but then we got that photo of them in LiS2 and my heart swelled with feelings. I’m fortunate to have landed on this fic to read -  migratory animals by swapcats (Life is Strange, Max/Chloe) is an excellent road trip post-game fic where the healing and comfort goes both ways. It’s the perfect epilogue to their adventure. 

9. Favourite fluff fic of the year: I knew I was going to rec Carol/Maria for this category but it took me time to decide which fic and then I remembered this one existed - jambalaya (please be my baby) by carol_danvers (MCU, Carol/Maria). It’s one of my favorite getting-together fics for them and it’s full of fluffy moments. 

10. Favourite smut fic of the year: nope

11. Favourite gen fic of the year: Try Again by pprfaith (The Umbrella Academy, multi-POV) which is absolutely the type of TUA fic I wanted after finishing the show. There’s lots of hurt/comfort, lots of good sibling dynamics, lots of confronting trauma and healing from it. It’s good. 

12. Favourite fix-it fic of the year/ever: It’s not so much that I think the ending of CM needed fixing in any way, it worked really well and that final shot of Carol looking down on her home before blasting off is superb, but also I really wanted to read fics where she stayed with her family. Also fics that made their relationship romantic. This was my favorite of that type -  Lightning Crash by Monochrome_girl (MCU, Carol/Maria).

13. Favourite crack-fic fic of the year: I didn’t read any

14. Favourite sick-fic this year: I don’t think I read any this year... but I did read fics where people patched injuries up so I’m reccing brave face talk so lightly by lesbiyawn (MCU, Carol/Maria) 

15. Favourite kid-fic this year: With the exception of Captain Marvel fics which featured Monica, I didn’t read any kid-fic and it would be a stretch to call those fics kid-fic because they were more fics that just happened to feature a kid as a character? But then this is also a stretch, it’s pregnancy fic but also is it? and anyway I enjoyed it so it deserves a rec -  oh violets, you did so signify by fruitwhirl (Brooklyn Nine Nine, Jake/Amy)

15. Fic this year which you didn’t expect to love as much as you do: Jasper/Lapis is not a ship I considered reading but I love everything anistar_e writes so I figured why not read her SU fic? And I did and I was blown away by this one in particular - Favor for Your Four-Chambered Heart by anistar_e (Steven Universe, Jasper/Lapis, Never Let Me Go AU) which balances themes of freedom, self-determination, and power in a world where your only purpose is to die for others beautifully. People make mistakes but they’re allowed to grow and become better. I just really love this fic with all my heart.  

16. Fic which convinced you to ship a pairing: in oakland by hupsoonheng (MCU, Erik/Sam) which set Erik/Sam before me, a pairing I had never considered, and wove a story about two hurting teenage boys finding love over the course of a summer. It’s beautifully done. 

17. Favourite AU you’ve read this year: It was between this and the SU Never Let Me Go AU and since that one fit a different category, I decided to put this one here. Choose Your Faces Wisely by Poetry (Good Omens, Aziraphale/Crowley). It’s a Daemon AU with some really neat concepts about the daemons of supernatural beings and some really good character stuff, which are some of my favorite things in daemon fic.  

18. Longest fic/series you’ve read this year:  I read many long fics this year but Work of All Saints by anistar_e (Coco, Imelda-centric with Ernesto/Hector/Imelda, 210k) was by far the longest. And what a masterpiece it was! It’s basically a novel with the amount of world-building and character development it does, a grand epic that is incredibly personal in its scope. Spectacular! 

19. The last fic you’ve read: I got back into playing Dishonored 2 over the break and as a result, I decided to read some fic for it. This one popped up on multiple rec lists and I can see why. tetralogy of fallot by patho (Dishonored, Emily-centric) is short, 10 sections of 100 words each, and still manages to craft a haunting narrative about High Chaos Emily’s reign. 

20. Wildcard fic you haven’t mentioned but deserves a shout-out + why: I was stuck between two fics I really wanted to mention and so I decided to rec both (the more recs, the merrier!): 

And There Was Light by ariaadagio (Lucifer, Lucifer/Chloe, 143k) which branches off from the end of season 2 and spins a long tale of existential angst, love, and navigating human-divine relations.  

Salinity (And Other Measurements of Brackish Water) by drawlight (Good Omens, Aziraphale/Crowley) which is a shorter fic that reads like poetry. 

Tagging @startofamoment, @thinbottomedcauldron, @dmigod, @thornscrowned, and anyone else who wants to do it! 

[sethnakht]

For the ask meme...Vader/Padme? Like, post-Mustafar Vader.

Sorry this took so long, love. Had to think about it, then got caught up in dissertating, then self-absorbed by depression. Woke up today and realized it was time to respond. That being said, I’m not very good at this sort of meme — I clam up and say things wrong — so don’t expect too much. Would be very excited to see your own response to this one!

Give me a CHARACTER or a SHIP, and I will bold the statements that are true, and elaborate on my preferences and specific narrative kinks where I am so moved.

Do not want. Ptooey.

I am neutral, indifferent and serene. Send me a rec and change my mind.

I’ll enjoy anything as long as they’re in it.

I’ll enjoy anything as long as they get a happy ending.

Break them and make them bleed.

Swaddle them in fluff.

I’m mostly interested in gapfilling and exploring their canon interactions.

Throw the canon out the window; bae deserves better.

By which I don’t mean: throw the suit out the window.  If I’m invested in anything wrt Vader, it’s characterization that is committed to the suit and all the structures and problems and possibilities it creates. Stories where Vader can be returned to a baseline self/identity with the right treatment in a straightforward linear process are certainly given legitimacy through the Special Edition of RotJ; stories where Vader is basically unaffected by the suit have their merits (I liked a lot of things about the Soule comic, in which the suit was largely irrelevant). But when I am dreaming on my own I prefer things messy, gory, without easy solutions. I’m wary of models of the mind-body relationship that essentialize identity — I like things fluid and reflective. Basically, I come to fic and comics about Vader to explore the lack of a sense of self, to think about fragmentation, trauma, grief, damage, the uncanny, the amorphous nature of the mind. The suit is integral to that field of thought.

I … am struggling to talk about Padmé, because … not only did she ABSOLUTELY deserve better, there is a part of me that refuses to be reconciled to her death, even though I can appreciate the irony, the tragedy, the parallelism, etc. How to put this… I want stories where Padmé is more than a symbol, more than her relationship to Anakin or her children … I want to see her own trauma play out, her own cracked mirrors, her own shifting sense of self, her own fight with her body, mind, the structures she has created and was shaped in, the blind spots flaring open wide … for her own ambitions and complicity and power-lust to be factors … and you see why this meme took me so long to answer.

Here’s a different way of putting it. I’m old, so my understanding of Padmé was formed in that period before AotC when it was still uncertain whether she would go by Padmé or Amidala, when it still seemed like she would go into hiding with Leia on Alderaan, when she was surrounded by handmaidens and drowning in heavy robes, when she presented as a cypher who disappeared behind face paint or into a crowd, as someone whose identity constantly transformed. I loved this idea of Padmé as more than unaffected beautiful surface, as someone whose very surface creates an experience of friction. So I’m still super partial to stories based on Naboo (I have a fic rec list somewhere that lists some of these) that sort of confront that parallelism between a Queen who wore a painted mask encoded with symbols of grief and the Knight entombed behind a mask … you get the picture.

Many stories deal with the role of projection in this relationship — Anakin and Padmé both project a great deal onto one another, and there’s plenty to unpack there — and stories about them getting therapy, stories about them projecting even harder, etc are interesting to me. I adore how this is handled in that one Legends comic where Vader is taken down by flamethrowers and has had the mask taken away and is practically hallucinating from the lack of oxygen and is holding himself together with nothing but spite. If the comic is at first concerned with Vader’s excessive violence, with his weirdly detached reenactment of his own lung and heart trauma in horrific torture sessions, the best bits play out in his own head, such as when a witch projects Padmé at him. Padmé transforms before him into an accusing corpse and he accepts this transformation as real, as though he’s pictured her as a rotting corpse so many times that it’s all that he wants, all he has longed for, awaited, desired — her judgment — and when he realizes he wasn’t really speaking to Padmé’s ghost, that he’s lost her even in death, the ensuing devastation is kind of mesmerizing. The wild swings between grief and rage and madness and hallucination — between murder and attempted suicide — make for a damning, visceral portrait. The new comic does a variation on this, but it’s less clear that Vader is having a battle with himself, as it could be that the Dark Side is simply projecting an evil Padmé at him to tell him to “let the past die” or somesuch — anyway. I love the stuff that stares into the abyss and lets it stare back.

Gimme crackfic.

Gimme all the tropes.

Subvert the tropes and set them on fire.

Fire in the story itself is always good too.

I am a simple soul: I’m here because they’re hot and sometimes naked.

Here is my OTP. Come between them and I will…ship and let ship, because I am a civilized fanperson, but CAN’T YOU SEE THEY’RE PERFECT TOGETHER??! (Or perfectly, fascinatingly, shippably dysfunctional, in certain cases.)

I have favoured and disfavoured ships. Convince me. Seduce me.

I’m not into ships for the romance / whatever, but for what particularly intense relationships can reveal about character. While there’s a part of me that insists Vader is a black swan, alternate ships (Obi-Wan, Ahsoka, Aphra, etc) can be fascinating.

I had an OTP once, but then this amazing author, [insert author here], seduced me. Goddammit.

Fandom bicycle, baby! \o/

I have no shippy feelings at this time.

My feelings cannot be summed up by this meme. Have a seat while I put the kettle on.

[oosteven-universe]

Star Trek Year Five #3

Star Trek Year Five #3 IDW Publishing 2019 Written by Brandon Easton Illustrated by Martin Coccolo Coloured by Fran Gamboa Lettered by Neil Uyetake     After receiving a distress call from an unexplored planet, Captain Kirk and the crew of the Enterprise have rescued a Tholian child, the lone survivor of a massacre. So far, this rescue has already led into a direct confrontation with a Tholian dreadnought and its devastating stasis weapon. Thanks to some quick thinking, the Enterprise crew seems to have left the Tholians behind, but with the child survivor still aboard and unable to communicate with the rest of the ship, this surely won’t be the last spot of trouble Captain Kirk runs into on his way back to Earth…     If there is one thing about this so far in it’s first three issues is that it reads amazingly like the show did. Okay so Bones is a little more crochety than I remember him being but the reality is is that he was a balance of the two extremes between Kirk and Spock so yeah he was cranky. Still they are like any other trinity that we’ve ever seen and it suits them extremely well. The opening here is spectacular and when we see how angry Bones gets well something is definitely up, but what could it be now?     This is is one of those times when I am forced to admit that I have no idea what season and episode aired but since it was three seasons on television and this is year five well everything we saw is fair game right? So to find themselves somewhere they’ve already been but to have things have so significantly advance in such a short time all because of one single event and why Bones feels so much anger and guilt well I do have to say it’s much more refreshing that something being Kirk’s usual fault for a change.     Also why they have the Tholian on board and to see crew members who are so vehemently against it being there unfortunately still fits into the originals line of thinking. With them having met so many different species thus far to see such xenophobia aboard a Starship by members of it’s crew shows how far we’ve come and how little has changed in man’s thinking. It is something is both good to see and keeps that thread in the forefront instead of being a back plot now.     Good grief the interiors here are immaculate. The linework and how we see the likeness of the characters is utterly sensational. Then of course we see all the debris floating in space and the various parts, stages and how it looks really grabs the readers attention and mesmerises you for a bit. The utilisation of the page layouts and how we see the angles and perspective in the panels show off a spectacular eye for storytelling. The way we see backgrounds incorporated into the book thus expanding the moments and bringing a wonderful size and scope to the book. I really am impressed with the composition that I am seeing here and how accurate I feel the vibe is. Then add the colour work to this becomes more impressive. I find it interesting that the colours of the leaders here are what they are and all variations there of it is awesome. The use of colour blocking, shading and light sources are extremely well done. ​     The dialogue and characterisation we see in this issue really blows me away as it isn’t the usual it is more personal and demonstrates the level of friendship that has been told to us but this is why they have that. There are actions, moments and times when this takes me by surprise and in the most wonderful of ways. There is a familiarity to this and newness or freshness to what we see as well and what Brandon does with the writing is really something that you need to see.

[justaramblingromantic]

~ send me a ship and i’ll tell you who ~

@snigz17 (Part II of III! Decided to do the three ships separately because the HCs all got so detailed...! Last one to be up soon!)

EiRin here

IshiNene here

RyoAli here

SouEri

curses like a sailor

Neither are the type to curse prolifically. That said, Souma can be rather inventive with his choice of epithets when thoroughly provoked…just as he is with his never ending, questionable experiments with different variations of grilled squid. The first time Erina hears an, uh, unusually creative combination of words coming out of his mouth, she stares at him like she has never seen him before. He is more amused than embarrassed by her comically appalled expression, and then he makes it a point to get this sheltered princess of his to loosen up a little by teaching her how to swear, too. She is very ruffled and affronted by his instructions, much to his everlasting glee. The first time she accidentally blurts out a cuss word in a fit of frustration, she is visibly horrified by her lapse in decorum, but he laughs until his face is red and calls out proudly ‘atta, girl!’

does the chores voluntarily

Souma is faster with the chores, Erina is more careful and meticulous. Her womanly pride is offended by his easygoing efficiency at first, and like almost everything they do, she tries to turn it into an unofficial competition, albeit a largely one sided one since Souma is never too bothered about that sort of thing in the first place. He is bemused by her sudden, unexpected enthusiasm when it comes to doing housework, this highborn ojou-sama who never had to dirty her hands with domestic chores all her life. She is also very hilarious when she runs to him all bright eyed with excitement and wonder, waving the ‘latest’ housecleaning gadget she finds, usually something incredibly cheap and for sale in 100-yen shops, marveling over the device like it’s the most magical thing she’s ever seen and boasting about it in the most adorably amusing fashion. 

wants to marry their bed

That massive princess canopy bed that she has slept on for the majority of her childhood and through her teenage years is a work of art and a frou-frou monstrosity, both at the same time. When they finally moved into their first apartment together, she wanted to take that humongous bed along too, regardless of the mind boggling logistics and limited space constraints that would render such a feat physically impossible. Souma carefully eyeballs that gigantic, polished, mahogany bed-frame with the equally mammoth mattress that could probably sleep an entire family comfortably, and firmly sets his foot down on this one. ‘Erina,’ he tells her matter-of-factly. ‘You won’t need all that space anymore.’ Not with me.

gets awkward about romantic gestures

She agonizes and worries and frets over them with all the solemness and graveness of making a major decision during a Tootsuki board meeting. Is it too much? Is it too little? What is that even supposed to mean? What if he thinks that I’m overbearing? What if he thinks that I don’t care? She’s so adamant on making everything equal and perfect that she gives herself no small amount of grief just pondering the proper thing to do. Souma watches all the mental gymnastics that she’s putting herself through, highly visible via the earnest emotions that flashes across her hesitating, clouded features, and eventually, he stands up, walks over to her and sets his hand on her shoulder. She glances up at him, startled by his presence. She always looks young and vulnerable and unsure to him during moments like this. He leans down and pecks a kiss on her cheek, silently reveling in this exquisite tenderness that she evokes so effortlessly in him. ‘I love you,’ he tells her simply, because sometimes she needs to hear the words to be reminded that he isn’t going anywhere. ‘What would you like to have for dinner? I’ll make your favorites.’ 

stays in the shower for what seems like hours

She’s a princess through and through, and princesses take long baths, apparently. He is endlessly bemused and fascinated by her girly ways and elaborate evening rituals; how she adores applying those faintly flowery, subtly sweet smelling creams on herself after emerging freshly washed from the bathroom, her ivory, moonlit skin flushed pink after a good, invigorating scrub in the shower. She has so many different bottles and containers of stuff in their bathing area he cannot even begin to fathom what each and every one is for - women sure are an endless mystery, and she has always been the most mysterious one out of them all. 

would adopt a million cats if given the chance

She’s never been allowed to have any pets growing up, and Souma didn’t think he has ever seen such a blissful, content expression on her face until they went to that cat cafe and she’s swimming in a furry pile of happy, purring felines who seem to adore her just as much as she does them. She looks so forlorn when it’s time to leave that he ends up petting her head and telling her they can come back again anytime she wants. She gazes at him with such childlike hope and delight, part of him starts to realize that he will be in trouble once she figures out that he can’t say no to her whenever she’s looking at him like that.

fixes stuff around the house / apartment

Every once in a while, Erina harbors manic fantasies and delusions of grandeur when it comes to being a good homemaker and DIY-er, but much to her dismay and endless bewilderment, most of her (non-culinary) home projects usually end in unspeakable disasters. Thankfully enough, there’s Souma to fix her messes and save her clumsy handiwork; the man is ridiculously handy to have around, even when she sometimes finds it immensely irritating that nothing she throws at him seems to faze him for too long.

watches too many Disney movies

Whenever she gets too stressed out with work yet is too tired to do anything to alleviate that tension, she switches on the television and plays Disney movies to relax. He comes home and finds her fast asleep on the couch with a flick playing in the background on more than one occasion, and whenever that happens, he turns off the TV, quietly picks her up in his arms, and carries her to bed. He tucks her in with uncharacteristic gentleness, careful not to rouse her from the rest her body so desperately needs. She wakes in the morning with no recollection whatsoever of getting in bed, but his familiar scent lingers on her sheets even when he’s already left to attend to work. Erina wistfully wonders if this fuzzy, content fondness is what Rapunzel feels as well when she thinks of her adventurous lover. 

gets drunk off of champagne

She has a secret, guilty weakness for expensive champagne, atypically French, rose gold and sparkling, of a certain rare vintage and an unforgettably full bodied, sophisticated flavor that’s strong, radiant, tense and sharp. Fitting for a queen...Yet he’s the one who grows inexplicably intoxicated as he drinks deeply from her mouth, seemingly unable to get enough of her heavenly taste. 

cries when the ASPCA commercials come on

She always insists with disgruntled vehemence that she’s not crying- how dare he say otherwise and is he secretly laughing at her? - and he pacifies her upset indignation with good humor - yes, yes, you’re totally not cryin’, I gotcha; our Erina has a heart as hard as steel - all the while drolly handing her pieces of tissues to blow her nose and dab with at her wet eyes.