#so lemme know so i can add the tag

[dxncingwithastrxnger]

what's up with the stranger things fandom and wishing literal death and violence on people they hate and acting as if that's completely normal and not actually kinda gross??? like I legit wanna know

[shepscapades]

Surely this will have no negative consequences whatsoever!

[krysmcscience]

Saw this post and couldn't resist because,

1.) @tesscourtes' human!Bill is a lil cutie-patootie menace that I very badly wanted to draw, and,

2.) I have a - M I G H T Y - N E E D - for any version of human!Bill to find any way he possibly can to annoy Ford a whole lot :D

Also, 3.) I like to headcanon that Bill's knowledge in The Sciences is mostly limited to 'Ways I Can Make A Really Cool Doomsday Portal', and everything else he knows is just a slapdash mix of the stuff he remembers from whatever schooling he went through on Euclydia, a whole awful lot of lucky guesses (which he WILL gaslight you about if you tell him he's wrong), and - naturally - conning all the rest of the answers he needs out of any more educated saps who are unfortunate enough to be around him at the time (answers which he will then proceed to take credit for), so as far as I'm concerned, this "outfit" is perfect for him.

Ignore the shitty backgrounds, I am sick to death of doing backgrounds, I just want to draw goofy shenanigans, okay???

[phoenix-before-the-flame]

hello i had an idea once. Here is ur explanation for it

Ok goodbye

[enbykelpie]

keep seeing that classic "god doesnt make mistakes" argument being used against trans folks and. ignoring the fact that not everyone follows the same god(s), ignoring the fact thst not everyone follows ANY god...

what if god just. made us to be trans?

there are people who say that they were put in the wrong body by mistake, yea, and those feelings are valid! im not here to police how people feel about their own gender, sex, and personal journeys. but for me, personally... if there is a god who designs us all with our bodies, minds, personalities, essences in mind, then.. i wasnt made this way by mistake, and that includes me being trans.

why would an omniscient being that is the beginning and end of everything, make a mistake? why would we assume someone who doesn't fit our own ideals is claiming that God, or whoever, is in the wrong? Why are we, as humans, so arrogant as to believe that it wasn't humans, instead, that made the mistake, in creating the labels and assigning attributes that are barely surface level?

if a God made me, then i was made to be trans. He made me navigate the world as a little girl, so that I could grow up to be a better man. If he didn't want me to transition, or to have the words to explain my gender, he wouldn't have given us the ability to do so. he wouldnt have given humans the knowledge necessary to question it, to perform surgeries and create hormones and have words to describe our lived experiences.

[wishing4nuclearwinter]

This year for Agustín's birthday he's [checks notes] mauling Evander to death (as soon as he puts him down of course)

Based on this ↓

[ppjeterka]

Snow Blind

New mattdrai fic: Snow Blind!

Prologue out now :) you can read here!

Summary:

The boy hears his name for the first time as he heaves for breath, sprawled naked on the linoleum floor of an ice rink basement, surrounded by melting chips of ice. He isn’t cold, and his breath doesn’t cloud out in front of him with each frantic gasp, but he shivers with his whole body. “Do you know where you are?” The boy shakes his head in short little jerks back and forth. It smells like an ice rink, a smell he just knows intuitively, the connection already there in his brain before he knew he needed it. “Your name is Matthew,” the man tells him as he kneels and tugs the boy––Matthew––into a seated position by his shoulders. Matthew shudders at the warmth emanating from the large, callused hands holding him in place. "I am your father. You are my creation. And one day, you're going to win the Stanley cup." Or: Matthew is a boy carved and extracted from ice, a tool in the shape of a body made for one purpose and one purpose only. He's not meant to know how to do anything else. If only it were ever that easy.

[ask-the-totally-real-peppino]

Hey Bean! I was wondering can the peppino clones have peppino clones of their own? Or would they all be infertile?

(Short answer: Yes and no! Some are able to reproduce, some are not!

Longer answer, undercut bc we talk about sexual reproduction briefly (nothing explicit tho ofc)

It depends on whos- er which batch the clone came from!

Many of the first clones were infertile, but as experiments went on, some were able to reproduce asexually via budding or mitosis (usually with the former for Fake Peppinos and the latter for the Peppiclones)

As they introduced more animal DNA into the experiments, particularly frog DNA, some were able to lay unfertilised eggs, although they never got to the point of laying fertilised eggs

The most recent clones could simulate mammalian reproductive organs, but the whole project was shut down and abandoned before any experiments could be done

Pretty much all the clones are probably unaware of their reproductive abilities, besides the occasional accidental budding, so there will probably not be any babies to be had for a very long time! (It's also not my focus here, even if I do love babies jfdjkfd)

Refer to Case #00258 for more information.

[merlucide]

So like. It's over with bachira? Why did you leave the poor guy? :(

Look at him. He deserves all the love, no? 😔

I'm here to guilty trip you muhahhahahah

I know it was hard decision 😔😔😔

Well since there was 3 bachiras I’d figured it he fine lmao- and bc we only have 2 coaches 🧍‍♀️

I STILL LOVE HIM OFC ☹️☹️ WE JUST TAKING A BREAK TO DISCOVER OURSELVES…. 😶

and yk Loki is fine AF

[emile-hides]

Top ten in-universe reasons for Grizz’s personality shift in the English Translation

As Grizz’s plan came closer to the conclusion he simply mellowed out, as there was less urgency to collect golden eggs

The Inkopolis Branch of Grizzco was run entirely by Lil’ Judd, and the “Grizz” speaking to us is just Lil’ Judd with a voice changer. Little dude full of rage

Grizz found Inkopolis residents were more likely to attempt to “Prove him wrong” when criticized, thus leading to better results after a failed shift

Grizz was just so irritated by how far away Inkopolis was and how much transfer costs for golden eggs was across boarders that he took it out on us

Grizz recorded all his Inkopolis voice lines first after devising the plan and was still just so peeved about the state of the world he didn’t have the composer to censor his hate for all sea life like he does now

Inkopolis residents just, in general, did worse than Splatsville residents, and thus deserved to be verbally abused for a failed shift

Grizz recorded his Splatsville voice lines first, while still learning Inkling/Octoling language, thus leading to a much more calm neutral tone

The Splastville voice lines are ripped directly from old footage Grizz found of Office Comedies that he thought sounded cool and practiced to himself over and over (thus why he also uses them in his boss fight)

Grizz has barely any clue what he’s saying he spied on other Bosses that spoke the Inkling/Octoling language and is just repeating what he heard at random

HR pulled Grizz into their office to discuss the way he speaks to his employees sometime between games

[brainlessbaguette]

[TWST CHAPTER 7 SPOILERS!]

Please scroll if this isn't your cup of tea.

I'm mostly just brainstorming but there are spoilers!

Okay? They gone? Alrighty so we're asleep. I honestly figured Mal was gonna overblot super early because he's the only one that really can without us having to worry about him dying. Like everyone else was an "oh crap we gotta stop this now" moment, Malleus is more of a "eh we'll get to it in 3 to 4 business days" type of guy.

I am super interested in how the rest of this is gonna go tho. It's Idia's time to shine so I'm really hoping for those old school rpg vibes. Like are we gonna do a Majora's Mask/Kindergarten time loop where we fight malleus multiple times, he resets us, and we get new pieces to the puzzle on the next go round that brings us closer to beating him? Or are we going to go walking around waking our friends up like collectibles for one big showdown? Is Malleus even in the dream world? I can either see them doing the "he can't be here too, so this is a world where he never existed"(I will cry) or the "he's here and the games boss is keeping his eyes on you" side note tho it would be fun to see what Sebek is like without Malleus, who's his new hyperfixation?

And my now main headcanon, Malleus is really freaking strong, like REALLY strong. I personally don't think we all could beat him with force. In sleeping beauty Maleficent gets stabbed through the heart with a silver sword after Flora, Fauna, and Merryweather bless it. Now they could do the obvious boring route of having Silver fight and beat Malleus after Lilia shares what little power he has left with him or OR they could have silver do some serious emotional damage, absolutely break his heart. I think Malleus on some level genuinely believes his doing good, silver just broke down in front of him over this, now he can be with his dad forever! So tell him he's wrong, have silver chew him out about this, have Idia give him the "everybody dies and that's okay talk." They could also combine the two to severely weaken lilia, making malleus panic, have a much weaker boss battle, and then sad heart to heart. But honestly that follows the pattern of the other chapters and I kinda want to break from it a bit.

Anyway this was super rambly, I just have lots of thoughts and wanted to put them out there, I am way to invested in ch 7.

To anyone all the way down here I offer my ultimate ch 7 "headcanon"

In which Idia fights god to get the internet back.

[local-kneecap-dealer]

[todayisafridaynight]

I wanted to write in about my thoughts on Jo as a CSA survivor separately for a couple of reasons:

I already more or less have what I have to say on the topic in order thanks to talks with @starssystem and another friend [<3]

This is a massive tonal shift from anything else I could be discussing

This Is Massive In General For The Love Of God PLEASE Help Me

Obvious CSA CW for anyone else reading; I only discuss statistics, psychology, and the aftereffects seen in survivors here, but it's worth a warning.

With the disclaimers out of the way… I'd mentioned before I've only ever added one thing to Jo's background, and you were right: this is it! To me, there's so much thematic overlap in Jo's narrative with the experience of surviving CSA it's worth it to examine his character through the lens of that being the case. Of course, there are clearly-stated reasons for it all that Aren't That, but…

It's the pervasive guilt and shame, the lifelong secret that becomes too unbearable not to tell, the faulty coping mechanisms aimed at burying the trauma without having to face it, the reluctance to be sincere [vulnerable] and the lies and half-truths used to maintain the facade of invulnerability, the pursuit of power and control and the knee-jerk anger response when it's threatened, the pursuit of mastery over his body and the indifference to what happens to it. And the way a lot of it really does stem from a deeply traumatic childhood sexual experience from before either he or Ikumi understood what they were getting into, from before they could give informed consent.

Statistically, the further below the average age someone is for their first time, the likelihood of [at best] having been introduced to sex inappropriately and [at worst] having been abused at the time or earlier rises exponentially. Jo was 15 when Masato was conceived--possibly 14, since he was saying he "met" Arakawa at 15, and by then Masato was already born. To put this into perspective, since what ages register as concerning is largely cultural, the average age in the US and UK is 16-18. But in Japan, it's over 19.

To a Westerner [or even a heavily Westernized non-Westerner], having a kid at 15 is unfortunate, but not untenable; you've seen it on TV, you might know people like that, you might even be that kid or that parent. But in Jo's case, with him being 4 or 5 years younger than average, it's like if someone told you they had their first time--had a /kid/--at 13 or under. That's the equivalent discrepancy. That /is/ concerning, to me.

It's also something that's linked to negative outcomes in adulthood, partly because of the likelihood of forming bonds with poorly-adjusted peers. Jo specifically states he and Ikumi were only together because others who came from backgrounds like his own were all he had back then. [As an aside, it's interesting to see him instinctively seek out a relationship where his pain would be understood without having to say anything--or one where he could assume it would, at any rate.]

When it comes to his relationship with Ikumi, I've always felt there was this "adult dynamic" between them--in the sense it feels like one that'd be more fitting for adults to get into than a couple of teens. It was, based on his wording, a primarily physical relationship neither of them expected to last even if they were living together. To me, it's one thing if you're fully convinced you're in love or you're experimenting or whatever and that results in an unplanned pregnancy, but it's another thing entirely to have such a bleak yet objective outlook on your relationship so young.

And it didn't have to be that way. He could've been just like Arakawa, head-over-heels in love with this girl who was The Only Good Thing He Had Going, or something like that. But the sheer contrast between how Arakawa was crazy about Akane and never forgot about her for the rest of his life, while Jo more-or-less-clearly didn't have feelings for Ikumi and can't bring himself to remember her name after living with her for at least a year and experiencing life-changing events with her…

It's notable to me that Arakawa maintains an interest in women while nearly every in-character interpretation I've seen makes Jo averse to women. Obviously, we don't really know that; it's probably just based on his general attitudes, his contrast with Arakawa, and maybe his immunity to Charm. But I think there's a reason a lot of people pick up on it and tie it to trauma rather than/in addition to a lack of interest in women.

I've talked about this through the lens of comphet already [and Jo being gay or ace or both would present other difficulties], but I can't overstate how notable it is on its own. We see Jo's response to traumatic events, and it's to become preoccupied with them, to investigate further if he has any leads. That's why he remembers every minute detail of the night Masato was born and the time he saw Arakawa attempt to comfort Masato when he was crying and hitting himself. I think it's also why he gets as far as he does when looking into Arakawa's death, and why he entrusts the search to Ichi. He never seems to manage to block them out, even if that's what he'd rather do--even if that's what he thinks he's doing.

So if he "[doesn't] even remember" the name of the mother of his child, I get the feeling there's something more going on. Like I've [probably] said in the past, Jo genuinely sounds traumatized by the relationship as a whole. More than anything else he's been through, and he's been through a lot. It's often the case that CSA survivors who are also survivors of other trauma view it as worse than anything else that happened to them.

And that's not to implicate Ikumi at all, I don't think it's a case of COCSA--everything I've said holds just as true for her, and she had to suffer the additional trauma of an unwanted pregnancy and childbirth, at that. Rather, I think it would make sense for something like CSA, which often incontrovertibly reconfigures one's relationship with sex and love, to be a factor in why they rushed into a something physical before they were mature enough to handle it.

Some victims end up having perfectly healthy experiences, some victims end up avoiding them, some victims end up re-victimized, and some victims end up with a mixed bag--there's a lot of variation. But some victims do end up having relationships like this and making mistakes like this, because that's all they know, or because they want to heal but don't [or don't know how to] go about it in a healthy way, at a healthy pace. And I definitely think if you recognize that's what the basis of your relationship was, that it all comes back to something you'd rather forget, it'd make sense to want to forget the relationship as a whole.

To that end, it's possible to come away from a relationship traumatized even if no one did anything wrong. I've [probably] talked about how the way Jo comforts her at the station feels like he's doing it for her sake and pushing his own feelings down, but neither of them is really buying it. If that's a pattern in their relationship, perhaps he wouldn't have been able to communicate if maybe what they were doing was dredging up bad memories, if he wanted to stop but didn't think she did. So to go through with it, then get the news months later…

Either way, the fact Ikumi couldn't bring herself to tell him she was pregnant until nothing could be done would, for Jo, invariably cement the feeling he has no control over what happens around him. I think the sense of powerlessness he felt is why he blew up at her when she told him, because it's really the only time we see him lash out like that at her. At the park, he objects to going back for Masato, sure, but he's passive. And I think that unbroken pattern of powerlessness in his life [which CSA would only compound on] is why he's so reactionary, why he's so emotionally dysregulated, why he expresses his rage through what basically amounts to power-tripping.

But I do think Jo does have a great deal of awareness. A lot of his wording when he's telling Ichi about it borders on poetic, or at the very least candid and effective. That requires both prior reflection and a command of language. I think there's a lot he understands deep down, at least after sitting with it for long enough, but he isn't capable of voicing--or doesn't know how to voice--what's on his mind, most of the time.

So when he joins the Arakawa Family, when he rises the ranks and has that control back, his control has to be near-absolute. If it's undermined in any way--such as, for example, a certain someone failing to answer a call within two rings--he loses it. On the other side of the coin, I do feel a lot of why his devotion and gratitude towards Arakawa goes to the extent it does, why he's so comfortable with him, is because Arakawa gave him the safety of the Arakawa Family, gave him back his autonomy, gave him the environment--and treated him with enough humanity to give him the reason--to learn to regulate himself, to better himself.

And Arakawa /gets/ trauma. He really does. Aside from his own abusive background, literally the only time the word trauma comes out of any character's mouth in this series, it's Arakawa's. It comes back to Jo saying others who came from backgrounds like his own were all he had; that never changed, did it?

Lastly, For Funsies [<- LIE. COMPLETE LIE. TURN BACK NOW] I wanted to go through the items on this [CSA] Survivors' Aftereffects Checklist I could check off with near-certainty. 19/34, by the way, give or take. Now, as I said at the beginning, there are existing concrete reasons for why he has many of these experiences… but it's like the trans allegory with Masato, To Me… If I can check off over half the list based on a very limited backstory and an hour of screen time total, that's indicative of a notable overlap… TO ME…

Note that the book this list is from was published in 1990 and focuses on women's experiences. It was a huge step forward in giving survivors a voice back when a lot of existing research indicated CSA had neutral or even positive effects on children, but it's definitely a product of its time. With that out of the way…

Wearing a lot of clothing, even in summer […]

To be fair, most male characters in RGG are fully-covered and have near-unchanging designs, and it's winter in both 2000/2001 and presumably 2019, but… when it comes to Jo, it feels a little different.

He does have Some Heavage in his twenties [although the necklace takes the attention off of his actual chest], but as time goes on, he shows less and less skin and adds more and more layers. When he has the gloves on, it leaves no skin exposed at all, and there's this direct symbolic correlation with secrecy that isn't there for other characters. And if you're wearing three layers of leather [or even one], you can neither feel what you're touching nor feel anything touch you.

Pure Speculation, but I just can't really see him underdressed for any occasion… That's why his fit in Day with the Sun is funny as hell but also… yeah…

As a behavior, if it's rooted in anything, it's probably rooted in having to hide signs of physical abuse, of course--but then he kind of already had an excuse, with how he was constantly getting into fights. I guess it depends on the specifics, but I think it's interesting to consider this as one way CSA victims attempt to regain control of their bodies, avoiding emotional discomfort at the cost of physical discomfort.

Self-destructiveness

It's nothing super overt, but I see this most clearly represented in his second boss fight in particular; his willingness to wield a blade bare-handed while using enough force he could very well render his hand useless. I think it's potentially also evident in how he has severe cataracts he chooses to ignore and allow to worsen, despite having the reasons and resources to undergo surgery to restore his vision. In doing so, he literally and figuratively blinds himself to so much.

I also kind of think the assassination of Hoshino/the anonymous call and The Eye Scene are examples of self-sabotage. I mean, he literally was sabotaging himself in the former, but it's also the specific way he feels the need to be physically taken down in order to be stopped--possibly a holdover from RGGJo, who's only too happy to be beaten into a coma.

I don't know… It's hard to pinpoint, but I feel like he would be averse to most of the more "obvious" self-destructive behaviors--especially when he has people in his life who might notice and worry, like Ikumi and Arakawa. That and because many of them are addictive. He's seen what that's done to his father, and he's also developed this incredibly rigid sense of discipline he can't maintain if he doesn't have a clear head.

From how he talks about himself [as having lost his humanity and lived a half-assed life], I definitely think he's at the very least unkind to himself, but I also think he does externalize it by provoking others to harm him [in the case of physical fights] and reject him. Like he needs some kind of proxy perpetrator. For some abuse victims, this specific manifestation of self-destructive behavior is a way to regain control--whether or not you "deserved it" back then, you do now, as a direct, logical result of your actions.

Need to be invisible, perfect, or perfectly bad

I think each of these needs manifests in different ways for Jo. The need to be invisible can be seen with authority figures (mainly Aoki, but also Arakawa in The Yubitsume Scene, a little; how drastically he pulls back and tries to act "normal")--this relates to what you were talking about with being reluctant to intrude or take up space. If you fall under the radar, maybe you won't get hurt.

The need to be perfect can be seen in his seemingly "impossible" standards, I would say. Of course, because we see things from Ichiban's perspective, we tend to see them as unfair and often arbitrary demands. But they aren't arbitrary to Jo, are they? They're standards he holds himself to through and through. If you're good, maybe you won't get hurt.

The need to be perfectly bad can be seen in and relates to much of what I discussed under self-destructiveness [The Eye Scene and the way he antagonizes Ichiban specifically by making himself out to be worse than he is]. If you must get hurt, it can at least "make sense"--be "deserved."

Suicidal thoughts, attempts, obsession (including "passive suicide")

Obviously he's not like… Mine Levels Of Overtly And Consistently Suicidal, and he doesn't attempt suicide himself, but at the same time, I have to note his total ambivalence towards Aoki seeing him as a "bullet" (a kind of hitman sent on suicide missions). He agreed to what he himself viewed as a suicide mission and he didn't care what would happen to him afterward, as he says to Joon-gi, Zhao, and Adachi.

Aside from that, I certainly feel he's at least had passive thoughts like wanting to disappear or wishing he'd never been born. Y'know. Nothing concrete, but reflective of his mental state, and just as detrimental to dwell on long-term.

I think there's a sort of childishness [for lack of a better word] to thoughts like these [in that they're impossible], but also a level of maturity in that it probably doesn't escalate to something more actionable because he understands he has responsibilities he can't abandon. I think if he was ever seriously suicidal, it would be at the points of his life where he really didn't have any responsibility to anyone, like between Ikumi leaving and him joining the family, or after he was arrested.

Depression (sometimes paralyzing) […]

I'm trying not to over explain going forward because I Have BEEN Overexplaining It Is SUCH A Disaster… he's depressed If You Have Eyes And/Or Ears… I'll leave it at that…

Anger issues; inability to recognize, own, or express anger; constant anger […]

Lol

Rigid control of one's thought process; humorlessness or extreme solemnity

Relates back to what I was saying about how disciplined he is [and expects everyone else to be], but in general, he's incredibly, incredibly serious and focused. I don't think he's /entirely/ humorless [but then again, very few people are]; I just think his specific sense of humor is. Like. What Is Your Problem [I Know What Your Problem Is I Have Been Discussing It In EXCRUCIATING Detail But What The Fuck Is Your Problem]

Trust issues; inability to trust (trust is not safe); total trust; trusting indiscriminately

That's why he was planning on taking his secret to the grave, isn't it? It was only when faced with the realization it would soon be too late to say anything that he was able to tell Ichiban. He could've trusted Arakawa, should've been able to, but… in his mind he never could.

This book [and this checklist] is about "incest" actually, but it redefines "incest" to mean any instance of CSA perpetrated by any individual the victim trusts or has an expectation of being able to implicitly trust. Which… is most CSA as we understand it today, so I've edited some parts to just say that.

Anyway, I've never given much thought to the specifics of what Jo might've experienced--who did it, what happened, how long it went on, etc.--so there's no conclusion I can draw here [and elsewhere, I'm sure]… but even without that, to grow up unable to trust the one person who should be in his corner, his father, and to have his trust betrayed by Ikumi, it's no surprise Jo ended up like this either way. So… I'm happy he had the courage to tell Ichi, in the end.

High risk taking ("daring the fates"); inability to take risks

I think these are supposed to be mutually exclusive, but to me, Hoshino's assassination and Arakawa's assassination represent both sides of the coin, although they're not the only examples. There are risks Jo won't think twice about taking and risks that paralyze him.

Boundary issues; control, power, territoriality issues; fear of losing control; obsessive/compulsive behaviors (attempts to control things that don't matter, just to control something)

Lol…

Guilt, shame; low self-esteem, feeling worthless; high appreciation of small favors by others

Lmao Even…

Feeling demand to "produce and be loved"; instinctively knowing and doing what the other person needs or wants; relationships mean big tradeoffs (love was taken, not given)

I actually think this encapsulates a lot of what I've been saying about his work ethic, his ideas of discipline, and his relationship with Ikumi, but I also think it's why Masato took a liking to him. His attentiveness. It ties back into wanting to be perfect; when you're abused--especially long-term--you become attuned to observing and responding to any shifts in mood or tone. This is another area where I can't draw any conclusions relevant to my point, but it does certainly relate to his father's abuse, at any rate.

Abandonment issues

Kind of contentious… The anticipation of being abandoned by or losing someone he cares about appears to be worse than the actual experience. He's fine with Ikumi leaving him, and he's… not Fine With, but able to come to terms with Arakawa's death and Aoki's abandonment of him. At the same time, he really does try to make Ikumi's stay in his life comfortable, and he spends almost forty years doing his damnedest to keep his family together, whatever the cost. If I were to extrapolate from RGGJo, though, /he/ does have an obsessive, unhealthy attachment to Arakawa.

Blocking out some period of early years (especially 1–12); or a specific person or place

Ikumiiiiii that's what I'm SAYINGGGG

Feeling of carrying an awful secret; urge to tell, fear of its being revealed; certainty no one will listen; being generally secretive […]

Rofl Perhaps…

Denial; […] repression of memories; pretending; minimizing ("it wasn't that bad") […]

He admits to it himself. Not much else to say. Though I don't think he necessarily minimizes what he's been through by dismissing how bad it was; rather, he tends to overestimate his ability to move past it.

Pattern of ambivalent or intensely conflictive relationships (intimacy is a problem; also focus shifted from [CSA] issues)

Also kind of contentious… we don't see a pattern of romantic relationships, as I assume the author meant here, but at the same time, the romantic relationship and non-romantic relationships we do see fit this pattern. I guess I'd say I definitely think intimacy /would/ be a problem, and he /wouldn't/ be ready to address his issues.

Limited tolerance for happiness; active withdrawal from happiness, reluctance to trust happiness ("ice=thin")

The quote that prompted this ask in the first place. It's sort of connected to the point about humorlessness and extreme solemnity; if that was the "what," this is the "why." He doesn't know how to relax ["holidays don't exist" and all], he doesn't have much to be happy about, but even rarer is the occasion where he doesn't feel too conflicted in the moment to be able to enjoy himself. That's just how I see him.

[…] verbal hypervigilance (careful monitoring of one's words); quiet-voiced, especially when needing to be heard

EXACTLY what I was talking about in this ask, so I'm leaving that one up to past me…

......

... That's It That's The Essay I'm going to hibernate until Infinite Wealth comes out and somehow refutes my points but UNTIL THEN. Farewell, take care, and once more, don't worry too much about matching my energy… Like I Said if I were the one receiving this ask I'd just delete my blog, so… I'll just be happy to know you read it :] If That lmao

ok i read it :) 👁️👁️ READMYTAGSTHERESMORETHEREIPROMISE

[izzy-b-hands]

"The ship is-"

"Fine," Ed interrupts. "Sit and listen to Stede read, or go to bed. I'm not gonna listen to a negative word about it, Iz."

Izzy frowns. "In my defense, being asked randomly to assist in providing character voices-"

"No," Ed interrupts again, and if it was anyone else doing it he would have threatened to stab them by now. "He was trying to include you."

"I understand that, but as I said to Stede, and by the way, he was fine with my not being comfortable doing that unless informed earlier in the day, so I don't know what your fucking problem is-"

Ed rolls his eyes and cuts him off with a frustrated growl. "Either sit for the story or don't! What the fuck is so important about the ship you had to interrupt?"

Izzy looks to a clearly uncomfortable Stede and assembled crew, all looking back at him in nervous hesitation.

"There's a fire and a leak in the lower decks, neither of which I was able to fix without help. Hence why, Edward, I'm up here. Trying to ask for help."

Ed's mouth opens, but he's already turned on his heel, grabbed an extra bucket for water to try and put out the fire, and is heading back below deck.

"...do you think he's got it now? On his own?"

He hears Stede's voice and resists the urge to jog back up and tell him that no, he probably doesn't, considering he told them he didn't! One extra bucket won't be enough help, but if a story is more important than the ship staying afloat, so be it.

Below, he fights the steady stream, but thankfully no worse, of seawater accumulating on the floor, trying to toss rags down until it can be bailed out. They soak up next to nothing, but the placebo effect of it keeps his blood pressure down until he's finally got a shit looking but decent patch of boards and fresh tar over the leak.

"Oh," Olu peers in. "You got things?"

Izzy turns. It isn't Olu's fault the captains aren't doing jack shit about this or the still raging, if smaller, fire.

So he takes a deep breath before he speaks.

"No, not really. But it should hold for now. If it doesn't, we'll know soon enough."

"By taking turns checking on it?"

"Olu, come on," Izzy sighs heavily. "You know they won't make any of you do that."

Olu nods. "Doesn't mean we shouldn't though."

There's a beat of uncomfortable silence.

"Thank you," Izzy can't bring his eyes from the floor. "For coming down to check on things. I don't suppose I could ask for your help with the fire?"

Olu's eyes widen. "Stede thought you'd already dealt with that."

"I literally told them I hadn't, and I grabbed an extra bucket!" Izzy lifts it from where it floats by his feet. "Why would I have taken this otherwise? To have a friend with me?!"

"Certainly not making any friends talking like that," Stede peeks out from behind Olu. "Sorry Olu, but are you coming up now? The others wanted to wait till you got back..."

Olu frowns and turns back to him. "We need to bail out the water here, and Izzy said the fire is still going! We have to put a hold on the story."

"True," Stede sighs, and trundles off away while they watch him. The smoke of the fire has spread to the area near the steps to the main deck, but Stede walks past it with nary a word.

"He's having a bad day," Olu winces. "He appreciates your work."

"Olu."

"I know, I know," Olu chuckles. "It doesn't really help to hear when he disappears like that. I know the feeling."

"Yes, but you should step in here," Izzy points down the hall to a few flames. "Normally I wouldn't advise staying in a partially flooded room, but I think it might be to our benefit now."

Olu nods as they step back in and close the door to the room. "He saw the smoke, so he'll send everyone down here to put out the fire so we can get out."

Izzy pats Olu's shoulder. "It doesn't help as much saying it aloud, does it? I always try it, with issues Ed's ignoring. Eventually, he will make a decision and do something, or delegate it to someone else."

"Isn't the someone else usually you?" Olu asks.

Izzy takes a deep breath. He may as well, because there might not be much left soon.

"Yes. Yes it is. Should we see if we can knock on the ceiling until someone else comes down?"

He looks, and Olu already has a broom in hand, tapping at the ceiling of the room.

--

"How bad was the fire?" Ed sniffs and wrinkles his nose. "You smell like smoke."

Stede sighs. "The leak is fixed, but he hasn't gotten to the fire yet. I think Olu might stay down and help him, so I would advise not waiting for tonight's chapter until he's back. I can always reread it later for him and anyone else who wants, or give him a synopsis of it-"

"The ship is still on fire?" Jim calls, tossing their rough blanket aside.

"Unless they've already gotten it taken care of now, yes," Stede replies, then pales.

"Fucking," Jim grumbles and stands. "Everyone up, let's get this done. Sooner we do, sooner we get our chapter!"

"Hm," Pete says. "I don't think we need everyone though. And besides Olu and Izzy are capable! He might want to kill Izzy by the time they're done, but who doesn't while doing chores with him, right?"

There's a slightly awkward, strangled chorus of giggles.

Jim kneels down by Pete. "If I burn alive on this ship tonight-"

"You'll kill me?"

"Why would you say that," Lucius mutters. "Babe, don't-"

"I'm just asking! I'm allowed to ask questions!"

"Okay, let's take a moment and talk a bit," Stede slams the book in his hands shut. "Nothing about this day has gone right, and I was so looking forward to reading tonight-"

--

"They have to hear us," Izzy coughs. "What the fuck are they doing?!"

"Could we break out through the ceiling?" Olu suggests. "Or the leak you just patched?"

"Either way it seems we'll end tonight floating in the sea, helpless," Izzy replies. "But I say ceiling first. Maybe we can get back down and get water onto it before we lose her completely. Might make Bonnet cry, and I'd rather not deal with that."

Olu smirks. "You'd feel bad for him? Oh my god, you would!"

"Shut it," Izzy snaps, waving the rapidly thickening smoke away as they kneel to the floor to avoid it. "I just know how much it hurts to lose a ship you love. This is his first ship, and-"

"I can't wait to tell Jim," Olu giggles. "Iz, seriously though. That's sweet of you, and if we don't die here, you should tell him! He'd like it."

"Do you think he'll still like it if I pair it with a bit of screaming at him for nearly letting us die?"

Olu thinks. "...Maybe. Give like a day between the two things maybe, instead."

Izzy ponders it as they scrabble about the room for additional tools to break into the ceiling.

Bonnet might actually like something about him. What a thought.

--

"And I'm saying you don't need to be so blunt when I'm just asking stuff!" Pete shouts. "We're a crew, a team! We need to act like it."

"Counterpoint," Jim says gently, then in a shout. "THE SHIP IS STILL ON FUCKING FIRE!"

"Oh fuck," Stede mutters. "Okay, Jim is right. Pete, we will finish going over this later though, I promise. I'll grab you and Jim tomorrow and-"

There's a loud crunch and snap and crack and then Izzy's face pops out of the fresh hole in the deck floor. "We're fucking suffocating in the room down here, trapped, and you fucks are still reading tonight's chapter?!"

"Oh," Stede winces. "Ah, okay let's really get a move on then, gang! Izzy, is Olu-"

Izzy crawls out of the hole, and shoves away Stede's held out hand. "Go get fucking water and buckets! Olu and I can take care of ourselves, as it seems we should be more prepared to do more often, if this night is any indication."

Stede's mouth opens, but closes without a word before he sets the book in his hand down, and follows the crew below deck, into the smoke.

Once Olu is up through the hole, Izzy lets himself collapse back on the deck.

"We aren't dead."

Olu chuckles. "Not yet. There's still time though."

Izzy laughs, then coughs. "Isn't there always?"

They both chuckle and snort until they're laughing hard in between coughs, both flat on the deck.

--

"By way of formal apology," Stede says softly, and pushes the coins on his desk towards Olu and Izzy. "I know it doesn't really make up for it, but I truly didn't realise how bad it was down there. Um. Roach has also offered to cook your favourite desserts, something for each of you. To celebrate your still being alive..."

He frowns. "Ed, little help?"

"They know you're sorry," Ed replies. "Glad you're alright, Olu."

Olu nods. "Me too. Glad I had another crew member with me though, or that might have been it."

Ed won't even look at him. Izzy tries not to catch his eyes, to meet his gaze, but he wants to so badly.

Instead, he pockets the coins with his thanks to Bonnet, and traipses out of the captains quarters towards the steps to go below deck.

There's clean up and repairs to be done, after all.

[frogplayingguitar]

i caught two spiders

[awearywritersworld]

tell me you don't want me

gojo satoru x reader summary: gojo adds falling in love with his dead best friend's little sister to the list of things that keep him up at night w/c: 1.8k tags/warnings: angst to fluff. gojo takes care of reader when they have a migraine. they watch shark week together, so shark haters beware. arguing, but nothing super harsh. protective!gojo. reader is referred to as a sister but there are no pronouns. gojo is around 27, reader 23. curse words. no out right smut, but a heavily suggestive ending so lets say 18+ a/n: i've been writing purely fluff for gojo, so it seems about time to return to my angst/fluff roots. today's epi made me had me feeling some type of way. may write a part two to this? idk lemme know what you think! masterlist check out my latest work for gojo here

after you arrived at jujutsu high as a first year, everyone wore the same expression when they looked at you, their eyes full of pity and apprehension. you really couldn't blame them though. after what happened with suguru, you were left a shell of yourself, paranoid that you were destined to the same fate as your older brother.

however, the boy that suguru called his best friend held something different in his gaze whenever his eyes fell on you. understanding, maybe? gojo knew that if there was anyone in the world who missed suguru as much as he did, it had to be you.

for most of the year, the two of you really only talked in passing, dancing around a discussion neither of you were brave enough to initiate. then your brother's birthday rolled around and you found yourself drenched in rain, sneaking into the boys' dormitory to knock on gojo satoru's door.

he wasn't surprised to find you standing there.

"that idiot always refused to let me celebrate his birthday," you blurted out, damp hair sticking to your forehead.

he laughed. it was just a breath, but it was still genuine. "right? he couldn't stand being fussed over for one day."

and as you both stood there, rain pattering against the window, you felt months of unspoken tension melt away. "well, come in. i bought cake."

after that day, gojo took on the roll of your older brother and he really leaned into it. flicking your forehead to annoy you, threatening anyone he thought had a crush on you, giving you advice whenever he deemed you needed it.

you weren't sure if he was aware, even after all these years, that he'd saved you— pulled you away from the brink. you became like the little sister he never had, while he tried his best to fill the hole suguru had left in your heart.

gojo spends more time in your apartment than his own, so it's no surprise when he barges in one afternoon, singing out your name (rather terribly, one might add).

"i have a migraine, 'toru," you groan from the couch, pulling the blanket up over your head as the bright light from behind his figure worsens your discomfort. all of your blinds are shut, the curtains pulled together. "can you please close the door?"

he hums, stepping inside and pulling the door shut quietly. "you seem to be getting them a lot lately."

"probably because i spend so much time with you," you whine facetiously.

he gasps, hand clutching at his heart. "i come all the way here to visit you, only to be ridiculed. my devastation is untellable."

after grabbing a washcloth from the linen closet, he pads over to the kitchen sink. you peer at him from under the blanket as he runs it under cold water, noting how the veins in his forearms become more prominent once he wrings it out.

you're laying across the entirety of the couch, but you scoot away from the edge and he situates himself in the space beside your hip, his body facing you. the corner of his mouth is turned down, evidence of the worry swirling in his chest. he presses the back of his fingers to your forehead before folding the cloth neatly and laying it there.

"you should mention the migraines to shoko," he suggests earnestly.

"they just flare up sometimes, you know that. it's really not a big deal."

"yeah, maybe.. but i still worry about you."

you can't help but notice how close he is and while it feels casual, it also feels... intimate? the cold cloth does bring some relief to your head, though you'd have preferred it if his hand had remained there instead.

"have you eaten?" he questions after a moment, pulling you from your thoughts.

"not yet."

"then i'll go pick up some food," he offers, rising to his feet. "do you need anything else-"

"no," you say a little too quickly, your fingers wrapping around his wrist. "i mean.. can you just stay?"

he suddenly looks very smug. "oh, what's this? are you sure spending more time with me won't make your head feel worse?"

you attempt to roll your eyes but the movement sends a sharp pain through your skull, causing you to grumble. "don't make me hurt you satoru. i was joking."

"i know," he smirks, decently self satisfied. "but you do have to eat, so-"

"there's leftover egg drop in the fridge, can you just warm that up for me please?"

"'course! anything for you, (y/n)-chan!"

his tone makes it sound as if he's teasing you, but he knows it's the truth. he's painfully aware that there isn't a thing you could ask of him that he'd deny. he tries not to think about that though, because he can't bring himself to admit what it all means.

once your soup is ready, he joins you on the couch. you move to sit up and while that makes plenty of room for him, he still lifts your legs, sitting so that they lay across his lap. one of his hands is resting on your shin, the other on your knee.

"shark week?" he suggests as you reach for the remote.

you nod eagerly. "yes."

the two of you have never fought before.

well, maybe that's not entirely true. it isn't uncommon for the both of you to argue over video games, the latest chapter of a manga, or other things of that nature. but you and gojo have never had a genuine disagreement.

that is, until you mention wanting to challenge a decision made by the higher ups. he's well aware of how they deal with people they deem troublesome, so he can't help the vexation that bubbles up in his chest at your words.

"absolutely not," he tells you. his voice is low, not one hint of amusement to be found.

the tone leaves you narrowing your eyes, and you sound a bit misbelieving when you ask, "what do you mean 'absolutely not'?"

after everything that happened with geto, the higher ups have been wary of you. honestly, they're probably just looking for an excuse to pull another stunt like the detention center and he can't risk that. he can't risk losing you.

rather than express any part of that sentiment, however, he just goes all stone faced and vague. it's weird, so naturally it's followed by a bit of back and forth that goes nowhere, the conversation growing unreasonably volatile with each passing second.

why can't you just listen to him? why can't you give him the benefit of the doubt? he's earned that by now, hasn't he?

"i don't understand!" you hiss, your chest heaving with indignation. "why are you acting like this?"

because i love you. because i need you. because you mean more to me than everything else in this world put together.

he can't possibly say that though.. can't lay his shame bare for you to see.. can't bring himself to admit the feelings he has for you.

he's in love with dead best friend's little sister and it's wrong. it keeps him up at night. claws away at his self respect.

"i'll take care of it," he promises, sounding a bit defeated. "just please stay out of it."

"quit treating me like i'm a child, satoru. you're not my father."

your assertion makes the air in the room shift, and the feeling that forms in the pit of gojo's stomach is not unlike a cord being pulled too taut before snapping.

"so what am i then, huh? what am i to you?" he interrogates, taking a step toward you.

his eyes burn with intensity and the conviction in his voice is dizzying, especially since it's meant only for you. he immediately notices the way you stiffen, suddenly unable to meet his eye.

he swallows thickly, any restraint he has left ebbing away once he hears your small, nervous voice. "'toru, w... what do you-"

you're cut off when he takes another step in your direction, your back meeting with the wall after you attempt to maintain the space between the both of you.

one of his palms presses to the wall beside your head, though the other remains at his side. he doesn't want to trap you there, not when he still doesn't have a clear idea of how you're feeling.

his breath fans across your face, your mind struggling to process what was happening. you whisper his name, unsure of how else to respond.

"i want you." he nearly chokes on the words, the pain of admitting them evident in his voice. "want you more than anything."

and he does. he wants you more than the sleep he never gets. more than he wants to honor suguru. more than he wants to be a good man.

his head dips down, your breath catching in your throat when his lips find the spot on your jaw just below your ear.

"please, tell me to stop," he begs, sending a shiver down your spine.

your hands move to his chest, the rise and fall of it uneven and sporadic. god, you make him so fucking weak it's almost pathetic.

his lips shift to your cheek, closer to your mouth, and his hand reaches up to cradle the other side of your face. he sounds irrevocably desperate now, "tell me you don't want me."

your heart's beating so loudly in your ear drums, you can hardly hear yourself speak. "satoru, please."

"please what?" he asks, and for a moment you're unsure of the answer.

you try to open your mouth once more, but the words are lodged in your throat. confusion and frustration rattle around in your head, making it difficult to string together your thoughts. finally you just give in, grabbing his face between your hands and pulling his lips against your own.

he let's out a strangled noise, some unknowable mix of pleasure and relief. his hands land on your hips at once, greedily pulling your body against his own.

his lips are chapped, but they're perfect in the way they move against yours. the kiss isn't clumsy, nor is it unsure. it's ardent and comfortable, as if it's the most natural thing in the world.

you pull away first, each of you holding the other's gaze. you're both hazy eyed, your mouths curved into giddy, lovesick grins.

gojo doesn't hesitate when you glance down at his lips, your words easing that bitter self loathing he'd been enduring for longer than he cares to admit. "if you want me... then make me yours."

taglist: @torusmochi @moonmalice