#so just please stop judging and realize how much of a bigot you are; especially white Christians

[romiantic]

as a christian saying this, nobody is more of a bigot than Christians and then wanna cry wolf when they’re attacked

[spxllcxstxr]

Cold to Cozy • R.L

(Gif not mine)

Request: oshdskdhkshs what about Remus being really patient, loving and gentle with the reader who’s insecure and anxious to open up to sb and be with someone after she had just got out of the toxic relationship? Sorry for my English. Love you so much. — anon

Summary: After a rough break up, you wind up at the top of the Astronomy Tower in the middle of the night. Remus joins you.

Warnings: toxic relationship mention (not with Remus), more along the lines of emotional abuse, not physical, crying, but it’s mentioned and Remus comes to comfort you, but please stay safe

Word Count: 1.1k

A.N: Relationships are hard to write when you’ve never been in one. I hope I did this request justice! Could be read as platonic since it’s more focused on like comfort and not really a relationship, but who knows? Read how you’d like to! I think gn!reader. I also still don’t know how to end these things oops. Hope you enjoy, and I love you all ❤️

****

You don’t remember why you even started dating William Mulciber in the first place.

It was a well known fact that he was a bigoted asshole, and anyone with a brain wouldn’t even touch him with a ten foot pole. The only friends he had were Avery, Rosier, and Snape, and even those three needed a break from him sometimes.

But he made you feel wanted in some twisted way—at least at first.

He would flirt with you in class and stare at you across the room instead of getting assignments done. Mulciber would comment on your figure, mostly lewd remarks that had your eyes widen in shock. But he assured you that these were compliments, and who were you to say otherwise, especially in public when all eyes were focused on you?

You’d get embarrassed and duck your head towards the ground as he and his little group laughed at whatever crude joke your little admirer thought of this time.

But he was the only boy to ever outwardly express any sort of interest in you so you felt obligated to accompany him to Hogsmede. And after your little date, even though you realized that the two of you didn’t really have anything in common and he did enough talking for the both of you, you felt obligated to kiss him in front of the entrance to the Slytherin common room.

And your relationship with him was fine for about a whole two seconds before it became damaging to your entire being.

So that’s why after only a few months of being berated and judged by someone who persuaded you that it was all out of love, your relationship, if that’s what you would call it, ended after hours of shouting and flinging insults at each other.

It’s also the reason you’re crying into your house scarf at the top of the Astronomy Tower in the middle of the cold night.

The wind bites harshly at your exposed flesh, your fingers frozen and the tips of your ears completely numb.

Your legs dangle over the side, arms looped securely around the brass banister as your tears drip into your scarf.

The striped fabric is useful in muffling any rogue sobs that manage to escape.

“Rough night?”

The soft questioning voice coming from behind you has you furiously wiping your face in an attempt to look somewhat composed.

“You could say that.” Your voice cracks as the person sits next to you.

Glancing over you can tell it’s Remus, the sleeves of his thick blue jumper bunched up around his hands. He’s shivering very slightly, but is otherwise unbothered by the weather.

He nods silently, and you can hear your teeth chatter. Shyly, you bite your lip in an attempt to stop.

“I heard about you and Mulciber.” Remus speaks up, glancing at you before quickly looking back up at the cloudy sky.

“Oh yeah?” You snort, staring at his scarred face. “And what exactly did you hear?”

Remus looks back at you, the whites of his eyes illuminated in the blue glow coming from the tip of his wand.

“That you’re, and I quote, ‘a cheating bitch.’” He rolls his eyes.

“Oh yeah, because talking to Davey Gudgeon about our upcoming Herbology project is categorized as cheating, and him snogging that sixth year behind the Quidditch shed isn’t.” You scoff, balling your fists around your scarf in anger.

Of course he was spreading lies about you to make himself look like the victim. He was never in the wrong and you always were.

“That’s terrible.” You hear him shift closer to you.

“Yeah, well, that isn’t even the worst of it.” You mumble under your breath, a frown tugging at your lips.

“You don’t deserve that, (Y/n).” He tells you softly.

“But—“

“No, no one deserves the utter shit he put you through, alright?” Remus insists fiercely.

Your throat tightens as you turn your gaze down to your fingers. Nervously, you rub them together, trying to defrost them in order to find feeling again.

“You do know that, don’t you? That what he made you deal with wasn’t love?” Remus continues to press.

Noncommittally, you offer him a shrug, still avoiding those warm honey brown eyes of his.

“I’m sorry, I’m being a little too forward, aren’t I?” Remus sputters at your lack of response. “I just get so frustrated thinking about how he treated you, but if I’m overstepping—“

“No, no, it’s fine, Remus, really.” Finally, you look up, waving away his unnecessary panic. “Just...he was my first...everything, y’know? I think he’s ruined love for me.”

Remus’ face falls at your meek response. His sandy curls wave in the wind and you watch as he tries and fails to tame them behind his ears.

“Love isn’t whatever rubbish he gave you, (Y/n). Love is this warm and cozy feeling that makes you want to wake up in the morning. And makes you want to run around laughing in the pouring rain.” He rambles, marred hands waving around as he talks. “It’s a breath of fresh air and a million little kisses in the middle of the night. Honestly, I wish I could be a little more poetic, but it’s almost midnight and my brain is fried after that Potions exam.”

He chuckles, rubbing the back of his neck.

“No Remus, that was—that was beautiful. It certainly wasn’t what we had.” You smile at him, something you haven’t done in ages at this point.

Truthfully, his little rant had a warmth blossoming in your chest, something you can’t exactly explain. You felt comfortable with him, nothing like you’d ever felt with Mulciber.

With him, it was nothing but ice, sure the occasional dull spark was ignited when his arm was slung securely over your shoulders, but that was rare.

All Remus had to do was look you in the eye and you were a melting mess.

You liked this new feeling.

“You know, you should’ve brought gloves.” He gestures to your numb fingers, shivering in the wind.

“Well I wasn’t exactly planning on going through a break up tonight, Remus.” You sarcastically retort, trying once again to bundle up your hands.

“Here, let me help.” Remus’s large hands lay atop your own, warm palms pressing against your chilled fingers.

You study your joined hands before slowly lifting your gaze back to his eyes. Your hands start to thaw.

“This is nice.” You tell him, just above a whisper.

His face is a bit closer to your own, and you can see the pink blush rising on his cheeks and tinting the tips of his ears. His nose adopts a redder hue from the brutal wind.

“Yeah.” Remus agrees at a similar volume. “It really is.”

•

All Character Taglist: @aspiringsloth20 @amourtentiaa @cherie-draco @mullthingsoverinthehotwater @catching-the-train-to-hogwarts

Remus Lupin Taglist: @lunalovecroft

[allisondraste]

Just a message

Alrighty folks.  Here we go!  I've been incredibly quiet on the matter of the discord server that has all of fandom up in flames.  It is not because I don't care, nor because I think I am in anyway above it all, but because it has been a deeply personal thing for me, and I wanted to take the time to process and think about what I want to say before I say it.  I've also absolutely been terrified that my words will be twisted and used against me by people who feel hurt and betrayed.   This thing has not only been a flurry of misinformation, but also a torrential storm of deep, completely valid emotions, that are being played out in public.

I don't want to invalidate anyone's experience.  I won't name any names or point any fingers.  That's not why I'm here.  That's never why I've been here.  Everyone who is hurt and angry has every right to feel how they feel, and I want to express that I am not going to judge them for that. However, I am tired of hiding behind my far-braver-than-me friends who spoke up and told their stories, so I want to share mine.  

I am going to put the rest behind a read more because it is very lengthy, and I’m sure that people are tired of hearing about it, so here’s the opt out if you want to button. 

When I joined the Salt Cellar in the summer of 2018, it was the nicest place I had ever been welcomed to in fandom.  Everyone was mutually supportive, and we all shared similar beliefs.  I, like a lot of people on the internet, was a deeply lonely person, and it was wonderful to have enthusiastic people to chat with.  Outside of a couple of role-locked channels, it was just a normal fandom community.  Inside of those channels there was A LOT of discussion of the harmful bigoted things that go on in fandom, and that was the largest part of the discussion. I believe that it is SO important for people to have those spaces, especially when fandom is so incredibly hostile toward them.  I am glad that the cellar provides that space.

However, to say that the only things that get discussed are racism and bigotry invalidates the experiences of people who are not assholes, and who do their very best to respond reflectively to criticism and be better.  It invalidates the experience of good people who happened to have their actions or choices criticized in the group space.  I don't think that's fair.

I also don't think it's fair to ignore the attempts of the moderator team to stop those kinds of things.  They did try.  They made rules, and did their best to regulate the things discussed.  That doesn't mean that it didn't happen. Humans are humans and things get out of hand.  It's okay to admit that, I think.

I stopped participating in the role-locked channels about a year ago after getting caught up in a very ugly situation that I am still deeply ashamed of.  I did my best to reach out to those I could and make amends.  They were more gracious than I deserved, and to those of you who spoke with me and chose to forgive me, and to those who didn't: I am forever and eternally grateful.  It's because of those people that I realized I needed to change my way of thinking and acting.  It made me realize that I had gotten caught up in a vastly negative mindset that led me to say things I probably wouldn't have said otherwise.  At the end of the day, human beings are human beings, and we aren't as immune to group mentality as we think we are.  I make no excuses for those actions then, and I am happy to talk about my own actions privately if anyone wishes to.  (I will not speak on anyone else's because it was, after all a private space, and even though I am no longer a part of it anymore, I respect that, and I will honor it to the grave. )

Anyway, I stopped participating, made my amends, and endeavored to focus on the positive, and for the most part I have.  I engaged happily with other server members, shared fanfiction, art, all of the things you would want to do in a community.  Most of the people who are in that server, several of the people whose names were on the list that were released, were also there primarily for the community.  I hate that those people have been frightened and terrified by this whole thing.  I deplore that there are writers and creators out there who are so paralyzed to even write because of this entire thing.

I've been questioning my membership there for some time now for personal reasons.  It all came to a head when some good faith criticism of the role-locked channels brought forth by a member was handled more dismissively than made me comfortable. (To reiterate: I cannot speak for the activities of those channels because I was not in them, nor have I been since they reopened). I stuck around because I hoped that it would blow over.  I stuck around because I believe in the humanity of people, and in the goodness of intention that many of the folks there have.  I'd never bash that.  However, I was also afraid because of the response my friend received.  I no longer felt that the server was a safe space for me.  (And I stress the me part, because my experience is no one else's)  The fandom-age post, and the bringing up of the list with my name on it gave me the motivation I needed to leave.  

I have no intention of dragging the server or it's members.  I don't think that is fair or warranted. However, I think that with so many different perspectives floating about, my own may help to inform the masses.

I am deeply, deeply sorry for my part in all of this.  I am sorry if I have ever made anyone feel unsafe.  I am sorry for the anxiety and fear that all of this has caused.  I am sorry for all of the hurt feelings damaged relationships.  

If you feel safer to block me or unfollow me, then I encourage you to do so.  I would not want my presence to cause anyone distress.  If you wish to talk about it, please message me.  

Other than that, this will be all that I say on the matter.  I have been on a rollercoaster of emotions since Saturday morning, and I would like to move forward in a positive and reflective manner.

Thanks so much.

[headoverjojo]

Can I get the Bucci gang with an s/o who comes out as a trans man?

Hi there, honey! Sure :3 I hope to have written something decent! If you find something that is out of tune or disrespectful, please dm me and I’ll immediately fix it!

Bruno’s gang with a s/o who comes out as a trans man

(Under the cut for length!)

Bruno Bucciarati

Bruno found accidentally out when he took in hand, instead of pills of headache, hormones. He was a bit perplexed: in the beginning he thought it was due to a sickness, as he had heard and read that certain pathologies required hormones. He decided to ask them about it, worried: he wanted to help them, if they needed, he wanted to be at their side!

What his lover said, however, wasn’t what he expected. He was… surprised, but not displeased. He asked him why did he keep something so important just for himself and, hearing that he thought Bruno could have left him, Bruno just sighed and smiled a little, before hugging him tight. How could they think so? He’s not going anywhere! He can understand, however, his fear: it mustn’t be easy, with all the bigots and assholes around… it was a delicate topic and Bruno wanted first of all to make him know that he had all his support and love, in any case. He loved him before and he loves him now!

Nothing will change, between them, at least on Bruno’s side. He respects and cherishes him as he had always done, but he’s happy to notice that his boyfriend, now, is visibly more relaxed, now that his secret is finally not a secret anymore. This just reinforces their bond and trust in each other!

Leone Abbacchio

When his boyfriend said they had to talk, the first thing Abbacchio thought was that they were going to break up. It didn’t even brushed his mind that it wasn’t something like that, that he wanted to talk about something positive or that he wanted to tell him a secret. That’s why, when he said him he was a trans man, Abbacchio was so baffled.

So they weren’t going to break up. This is an immense relief to Abbacchio, who, now, can put all himself in this news. He asked them for few medical information, as he wasn’t an expert in the matter, listening closely to what he was saying. After that, he asked just one more thing: why didn’t he tell him sooner? It must have been a great burden to carry for all that time. When he heard he thought Abbacchio wouldn’t have loved him as before, the man almost got angry for real. How could he think so?! Did he really think he was such a man?! Abbacchio didn’t fall in love easily, but when he did, it was forever. He loved them, he declared, he loved them sincerely and he thought he knew it and trusted him enough to share with him his secret!

Leone would be bitter for a while, not about the secret’s content, but about the fact his boyfriend kept something so important just for himself. Abbacchio hates secrets, especially in a relationship, when he gives all his trust and loyalty to someone else! He’d need a bit to calm down, but, once it happens, it’s all as before, or even better: now there’s no secret between them!

Guido Mista

Mista found it out in the worst possible way: while he was walking back home, after a mission, he casually saw his boyfriend harassed by some bullies. He had already seen them around his boyfriend’s university, but every time he was with him, so they never tried to approach him. But now that Mista was far, they took advantage of it to bully his boyfriend. Mista immediately ran to stop it all and threaten them with his gun, if needed, but, as he was running, he heard some slurs he didn’t know. What were they saying?

When they’re finally at Mista’s home, and Mista’s s/o finally feels a bit calmer and safer, he finally reveals why those bullies were harassing him: he was a trans man. Mista is a bit baffled, he wasn’t expecting it, but, other than an initial stupor, the news doesn’t shock him. Why should it? This doesn’t change what he feels for him and it doesn’t change the fact that he sees him as a man and not as a woman. He can also understand his fear, after seeing those assholes… but he has nothing to fear, with him! He’ll not leave him, absolutely not! He fell in love with his kindness, his bright smile and sunny attitude, even when it would have been so easy to be sad and gloomy. He always admired his strength and now he admires him even more!

Now that he knows why the bullies attack him, Mista is even more disgusted -and he was disgusted to the point of being nauseous even before- by their behaviour. How could they be so insensitive?! He’s going to talk with them… in his style. His boyfriend can be sure that, after the “talk”, he’s not going to be harassed never again!

Narancia Ghirga

Narancia found it out the day he was helping his boyfriend to move from his parents’ house to his own little flat. He was helping to move around boxes and put everything in the right place, when he found a photo album and he picked it up, intrigued and with a big smile. He was sure his boyfriend was such a cute kid! But he didn’t see a boy, but a little girl. What…?

His boyfriend, the moment he caught Narancia with the photo album in his hands, hastily took it back, already fearing his boyfriend’s judgment. Narancia, however, wasn’t absolutely going to judge him or such; he just asked him why didn’t he say it before. Narancia is hurt, he could have helped him more, he… he could have been a support, a better boyfriend, if he just had known it!! Narancia’s sincere words and care almost make his s/o tear up; as he tightly hugs Narancia, he whispers he’s sorry, that he just was scared to lose him… but that, now, it’s all ok. Now he knows for real how good and big Narancia’s heart is and he promises not to keep secrets from him anymore, while Narancia hugs him tight, trying to restrain a teary smile.

Nothing changes between them, aside the fact that now Narancia is even more supportive than before and even a bit more protective. He knows how people can be cruel towards who is not “standard”, and he’s ready to fight to hell and back to protect his s/o! If someone dares to tell him slurs or such, Narancia is already on their tail. He has to guarantee his s/o’s happiness and serenity!

Pannacotta Fugo

Casually, they both were waiting for a letter: Fugo for Passione affairs, his s/o from the doctor. Things got messy and the letters had been mistakenly mixed and Fugo got his boyfriend’s and he got Fugo’s. Fugo just noticed it when he already had opened and checked the first lines, but, even if he closed the letter the moment he realized it wasn’t for him, he still had caught something. Reading a bit around on various medicine tomes, he found out what those medical terms meant and he came to realize that his s/o was a trans man.

He was the one who brought the topic up, before dinner. His s/o almost choked in the water he was drinking, but Fugo wasn’t angry, as he was expecting… he was calm. Just a bit sad, maybe. With a quiet voice, Fugo told him he knew how a secret like this could be heavy and that he could also understand why he decided to keep it for himself. The fear to be judged, to be left alone, in a corner… to be an outcast. He can understand that, and so he wants to make them understand that with him he’s safe from any judgment and such. Fugo is not going to love him less or to dump on him, he says it clearly and loudly. He doesn’t have to treat who he was as it was a crime. There’s nothing bad in being a trans man, Fugo says him, and if someone says otherwise, well, guess he’ll have a “talk” with this so close-minded person and he’ll enlarge their view on the world.

Fugo will try to learn as much as he can about the medical situation of his s/o; if he has to take medicines, he’d inform about surgeries and so on. He wants to help them as much as possible in every way he can! He’d be at his side for all the time, supporting and cherishing him when he feels down. He knows it’s a hard journey, but he’s not alone: Fugo will walk with him, never leaving his hand, being here for him in every moment.

Giorno Giovanna

Giorno found out due to their binder. His boyfriend said to pick for him a shirt in his wardrobe, as the shirt he had on was now dirty due to a little incident in the kitchen. Giorno, searching for a shirt, casually found his various binders. Giorno was perplexed: they seemed bra but they weren’t right bra… they seemed tighter, like they had to flatten the chest. When he went back to his boyfriend, curiously asking about it, he felt lost and, so, admitted it: he was a trans man.

If he thought that Giorno was going to be angry at him or disgusted, he was totally wrong, as Giorno wasn’t angry or disgusted. He was pensive, more than anything else. He was now connecting the dots: why his boyfriend preferred to always keep on his shirt, how he was uncomfortable when someone said he was “girly”, how he sometimes asked Giorno if he thought he was a “real man”... Giorno now understood. He would have beat himself for not understanding it before! In case he could have been more supportive, showing more his care and love, to make him feel more confident… when he finally emerged from his thoughts, he just smiled at his s/o, that kind and sweet smile he had just for him, and kissed his forehead and lips, promising to do everything he could to help them in this journey.

And Giorno is a man who always keeps his promises. He does everything he can to help him, from moral support to money for surgeries, if he’s ready to do it. He’s not going to ever feel alone or abandoned, with Giorno! He knows how it feels to be alone and outcasted; he’s not going to make his s/o feel the same, never!

[otdderamin]

Analysis: Fjord's reaction to Wursh – CR C2 Ep058 0:29:14

Doing something a bit different. Instead of a full transcript this will be a body language read of Fjord after the analysis. I highly recommend rewatching the scene and just watching Fjord. He takes an epic face journey throughout that gives off a lot of his emotions while trying (badly) to mask them. All of Wursh's conversation with him outside and his friends talking to him afterwards is transcribed. This is a long analysis as well, but I finally feel like I really get Fjord.

The dynamics of how Fjord interacted with Wursh in Ep 58 stem from his childhood insecurities. Fjord tells The Mighty Nein afterward that he was an orphan raised in Driftwood Asylum, and mostly by other kids. (Ep 58 0:46:44) He was the only half-orc (Ep 58 0:48:11), probably the only orc at all. We know from Ep 11 he was judged a lot on his appearance. He grew faster than the other kids, but he was Stumpy, short. Big teeth. […] Just sort of mis-proportioned." (Ep 11 3:05:23) Nott calls him "pretty handsome, you know, for, like, a half-monster thing." (Ep 11 3:04:51) Fjords trying to stay reserved, but you can tell that stung, and he gets more uncomfortable the more she belabors her view of him as a monster.

Growing up the only half-orc in an institution, it's very likely that Fjord was treated as a monster and a threat by everyone growing up and that played into him being picked on (0:48:11). He viewed himself as, "A kid, just like anyone else," (Ep 11 3:05:14) but I doubt he was viewed that way. His orcish side was viewed as a brutish disposition to be overcome, but he was never allowed to be human, either. Other kids were afraid of him just for existing. The adults probably treated him like he was the aggressor in way more fights than he was, quick to assume his violence. Any kid that wanted to establish dominance in the pecking order would go after him to prove they were stronger than the monster. His height also made him more intimidating. We can see with Wursh he has a very child-like threat assessment around height. But Fjord wasn't strong, and he couldn't take too many punches, so mostly he just got the shit beaten out of him all the time and blamed for it by adults.

So, Fjord learned to view every interaction with people as a threat he needed to be prepared for. He wasn't good in a fight, and he didn't have anywhere to run as a kid, so he tries to flatter or intimidate to protect himself. He's an asshole because being a half-orc is seen as intimidating. He learned kids who are afraid of him are more likely to leave him alone. This is the easiest and most passive technique he has, so he relies on it. But if he knows he can't intimidate, he'll turn to being very charming. Make himself useful enough to keep around. This is why we see such duality in his interactions.

Vandran's crew is probably the first time he ever felt treated like an equal, like he belonged. That meant to world to him and he let down some of those barriers. Then everything went wrong. His sense of peace was blown apart that night. Angry, heartbroken, drowning, and desperate, Uk'otoa found him. Offered him salvation and power enough to stop people from threatening him. It seemed like just a dream, even when he washed up on the beach with the sword. He couldn't fight it, so he ingratiated himself.

He's aware that he's under this thing's power and threat. He doesn't want to do what it wants, but he's terrified of disobeying, of being outright crushed. But he's also afraid of being abandoned by that power. For once in his life he feels powerful and not just scared. That power has gained him strong allies who have his back. He's afraid the Mighty Nein will abandon him as useless without that power. He fits with this merry band of assholes. He's starting to trust them, even, terrifyingly, love them. They're all keeping the world at bay by being assholes (except Caduceus) and he feels like he fits. So, he's trapped. Ignoring it for a while was the best resistance he could muster.

Fjord was raised by human-folk. (Ep 58 0:41:46), it's the only culture he knows, but he was never allowed to be one of them. He was always treated as an orc. But he's painfully aware that he knows nothing about orcs, either. His interaction with Wursh came out of those deep-seated insecurities. All he knows about orcs is what humans told him. He knows it's bigoted and inaccurate, he's trying to learn the truth and keep an open mind, but it's also ingrained in his threat assessment. He thinks orcish culture values strength and dominance, so he went into the conversation with Wursh expecting he had to prove himself. He desperately wants to be respected and accepted by other orcs.

He wanted Wursh to see him as strong, but he also wanted to learn what it was like to be an orc from him. What's their culture like? It's a big missing piece of his sense of self. Wursh picked up on his desperation and bullshit right away. When Fjord said he was from the Menagerie Coast, Wursh realized exactly what was going on with Fjord, and Fjord realized he gave himself away. (Ep 58 0:35:39) But he had no backup plan, so he just dug in his heels and tried to play it cool. It didn't work. He didn't find Fjord threatening at all, more like a growling puppy.

When it started going south, Wursh tried to encourage him, but instead it felt like condescending pity. It made him feel weak. Caduceus also tried to bolster him, but again, he only made him feel pitied and weak because his friends didn't understand what was going on. Nott saw him struggling to hold up the mask and wanted to show him he didn't need it by teasing him and poking holes in it. But to Fjord, especially as a very bullied kid, that just made him feel even weaker, more insecure, and hurt. The teasing never feels like it could come from anyplace other than wanting to see him hurt, even if he's intellectually aware Nott cares for him on some level. He feels like he needs to give as good as he gets with her. But in this moment, he needed desperately to not look like she could hurt him. He needed to look stronger, so he exaggerated the tough guy routine.

When Fjord brushes off giving his name and abruptly leaves (Ep 58 0:40:59), Wursh feels like he's doing a disservice to this kid if he lets him get away with it. He tells Fjord he knows he's acting like this because he feels like he has something to prove, and he doesn't have to. I can read what Wursh is saying two different ways. Either he was saying don't let the temperament and traits of either your human or orc side rule you. Or don't let how people perceive you based on your blood rule you. Or, most likely, both. You are who you are, you feel what you feel. You are part of both, even when you're made to feel like you're part of neither. You're enough as you are. Trying to act tough will just get the attention of someone powerful enough to hurt you. Fjord knows he's right and the game is up, so he finally backs down.

It remains to be seen how much this lesson will change Fjord's behavior. But it did get him talking about his past to his friends. I don't think they quite understand yet. None of them went through the same thing. But Beau might understand some of the abandonment. Caleb may understand some of the daily fear. One day Nott may understand why he doesn't want to be seen as a monster for the body he's in (this will be tied to her own growth). Yasha understands his sense of loss and his fear of letting people get close. Caduceus may piece all of this together from that conversation. And Fjord may keep learning to trust not just his friend's power, but their compassion.

Scene runs:  0:29:14 to 0:45:31

Fjord is politely disinterested when they get to Wursh's smithy, quietly going over his notes.

0:29:28 Matt: "A tall and built half-orc. You see a thick chin beard of tough, course, black hair, bald head, arms covered in tattoos from, like, mid bicep down to the wrist."

Travis has a delayed reaction, and it isn't until "thick chin beard" that he starts looking uncomfortable. He shifts uncomfortably at the mention of tattoos.

Matt: "Wearing thick leather apron, trousers, no shirt under the apron under the vest and is just kind of sweating on the very edges."

As Matt describes his appearance, Travis has to remember to breathe from nerves. He starts fidgeting with his beard. He's happy to let Caduceus take the lead, although he stays tense.

0:30:27 Matt: "And standing up, he's pushing about 7-foot. He's a very tall bugger."

Fjord starts looking even more intimidated and insecure.

0:30:31 Matt, indicating Caduceus: "So, he's about as tall as you are eye to eye. And just- This guy's been doing a forge for a long time. The immediate comparison of half-orc him to half-orc Fjord is- it's a Laurel and Hardy sketch."

Fjord looks even more uncomfortable.

Taliesin: "His neck has a 6-pack kind of thing?"

Matt: "Yeah"

Travis mimics strongly puffing out his neck and looking mean.

As Caduceus talks, Fjord looks nervously between them. His posture is closed off and tense. When Wursh speaks, it's with the same Texas accent Fjord uses. Fjord raises his eyebrow in surprise, blinks a lot, and manages to look even more anxious.

As Caduceus and Wursh talks, Fjord starts to calm down a bit.

Caduceus suggests Jester would like to see Wursh's tattoos.

0:32:37 Wursh: "Well, she's certainly able to look, but not something you can really teach. These are important to my home town, so wouldn't recommend her giving them out."

"Home town" catches Fjord's ear.

Caduceus: "Oh no, I just think she would really enjoy seeing them."

Fjord tries to sound casual, but it comes off a bit forced and over-inquisitive.

0:32:53 Fjord: "Your, uh, your home town? Where you from?"

Wursh eyes him suspiciously.

Matt: "He kind of gives you a look over. Make a persuasion check."

Travis rolls a 23 and looks quite pleased.

0:33:10 Matt: "He looks you over, kind of grins, and goes,"

Wursh: "You're an inquisitive runt. I like it."

Fjord looks frustrated and put out. He shakes his head in a "yeah, okay, that hurt and was unnecessary" way.

He takes notes as Wursh says his from the Greying Wildlands in the village of Araftcra [sp?] out in the Rhyme Plains [sp?]. Fjord does show genuine interest. Wursh says the tattoos are of the nearby Dunrock Mountains. Caduceus says it's their first day in the city.

0:34:03 Fjord tries to get into the conversation, but Wursh talks over him and cuts him off, talking specifically to Caduceus. It shakes him a bit, and he backs off to regroup.

Wursh asks where they're from. Caduceus says all-over, then talks about where he's from. Wursh thinks Caduceus is a crazy motherfucker for living in the Savalierwood.

0:35:12 Fjord: "You're, uh, so vertically challenged. Everyone like you from the… Araftcra? The same stature?"

0:35:26 Wursh: "Generally, yeah. We're big."

Fjord looks put out.

0:35:29 Wursh: "You should see the full-blooded orcs up there. Plenty of them, and they're a little bigger. Well, one of the clans, anyway."

Fjord looks like he feels very small.

0:35:39 Fjord, obviously feeling insecure and trying to brush it off: "Yeah, not as, uh," he clears his throat," not as huge down in the Menagerie Coast. I'm from Port Damali."

Wursh, with dawning realization: "Oh! You went and grown up in some of that human territory."

Fjord looks like he realized he gave too much away.

0:35:50 Fjord, still trying to play it cool: "Yeah, not too many of us, uh-"

He's cut off by Wursh again.

0:35:53 Wursh: "Explains a lot."

Fjord's beginning to look defeated.

0:35:56 Fjord, resigned: "Yep, well, you do the best you can with what you got. Um…"

0:35:59 Wursh, looking slightly perplexed: "Don't be ashamed of that, son."

Fjord is mildly surprised.

Fjord: "No, I ain't ashamed."

Wursh: "Now look at you; you're mobile. Me, I hit things real hard, but I spend most of my day in here where it's bothering me with the heat. You being from the Menagerie coast, I imagine you've seen quite a bit, too, in your days."

Fjord slightly nods along but looks a bit haunted."

0:36:22 Fjord, trying to sound cocky: "Yeah, it doesn't… bother me so much."

Wursh, looking through him: "Good."

0:36:27 Caduceus: "Mr. Fjord has saved my life on a couple of occasions, actually."

Fjord looks assured by this and more confident.

0:36:33 Nott: "Yeah, it's true. He can carry a barrel with only- just a little bit of assistance from one of our ladies."

Fjord, very annoyed. "Okay! You know, disregard my little goblin friend over here. She's excited by big muscular types."

Nott: "I've seen it, sir. he can lift almost-"

Fjord: "Many barrels."

Nott: "Almost one.

Fjord: "Many barrels by himself."

Nott: "Almost one my himself."

Fjord: "Unaided."

Nott: "Almost one, yeah."

Wursh has stopped paying attention and is looking over the broken sword. He suggests the origin is Uthadernian [sp?].

0:37:28 Fjord: "Luthegernian?"

Wursh: "Uthadernian."

0:37:31 Fjord: "Luthedernian. Sorry, short ears."

Wursh explains it's where the Dwarves and Elves live together. Fjord concentrates on his notes. Wursh says be careful up there. His people are just surviving, but the orcs are bloodthirsty. Fjord listens tensely.

Caduceus asks about a jeweler. Wursh suggests Faton's gems. He isn't a gem wearing person and he's not a master craftsman, so he doesn't have a lot of need. Fjord's posture shifts to be broader and slightly more confrontational.

0:38:59 Fjord, trying to sound and gruff: "Yeah, jewelry wearing's for softer folk."

Fjord screws up his face and spits on the ground. He looks back at Wursh's toughly, but it's obviously an exaggerated act. Wursh laughs.

Caduceus thanks him for his time. Jester comes in because they're taking so long. Fjords watches the exchange uncertainly. She shows the medallion and boasts they're friends of the Dynasty and really cool. Fjord watched Wursh's reaction.

0:39:56 Wursh, not sure what to make of it: "Alrighty, well, I didn't realize I was in the presence of such… whatever the word is for your people."

Fjord, feigning arrogance: "Yeah, don't judge a book by its cover, friend."

Caduceus thanks him for his help and tips a gold piece. Yasha asks his name, and he gives it as Wursh the Tapper. Jester and Caduceus give their names.

0:40:58 Wursh to Fjord: "What's your name?"

0:40:59 Travis, gruffly: "I leave."

There's a long pause.

Wursh: "Alright."

0:41:06 Nott: "His name's Fjord."

Wursh: "Fjord."

0:41:09 Nott: "Yeah. Fjord Tough."

Wursh nods and mulls it over.

Matt: "And he kind of-"

Nott: "Have you heard of him or something?"

Matt: "No, he just-"

Taliesin: "I'm watching this."

0:41:23 Matt: "He walks towards the edge and kind of looks out the door and goes,"

0:41:27 Wursh, looking stern: "Hey, come here a second. Wanna talk to you."

Fjord hesitates and doesn't want to give ground. His answers are curt and standoffish.

Fjord: "What do you need?"

Wursh looks mildly disappointed in the response.

0:41:42 Wursh: "So you said you grew up in the Menagerie coast, right?"

Fjord: "Right."

0:41:46 Wursh: "Around hoity-toity human folk?"

Fjord slightly winces.

Fjord: "Yep."

0:41:52 Wursh: "And you walk around like you got something to prove?"

Fjord: "Is that what it looks like?"

0:41:56 Wursh, nodding, slightly sad: "From where I'm standing, yeah. 'Cause I'm'a tell you something: they don't matter. Yeah, we got a history. But some of us, we don't let that blood rule us, huh?"

Human blood?

0:42:19 Wursh: "I know you feel the anger there, every now and then, but… don't let them define you."

Orc blood? Do you not want to be defined by humans or orcs?

0:42:28 Fjord: "What blood you talking about?"

0:42:30 Wursh: "What? This blood."

Matt: "He kind of scratches the side of his shoulder and bleeds a bit from his finger nails. They're kind of grimy and you can see, like, the coal and dirt and stuff that's under them."

0:42:41 Wursh: "The blood that we came from. Don't be ashamed of that."

Fjord looks briefly confused. He pieces together Wursh means half-orc blood. Don't let orcs or humans define you.

0:42:48 Fjord: "They don't look unkindly on our kind where you come from?"

0:42:53 Wursh: "Don't get too many human folk up north."

Fjord nods.

0:42:58 Fjord: "Why'd you come here, anyway?"

Wursh: "Well, I had an apprenticeship up north, or was trying to go for it. But they, uh, it's a bit dangerous in the alps to get to the sanctum, so I headed south."

0:43:11 Fjord: "Dangerous for someone your size?"

Wursh: "When you're traveling solo, yeah."

Fjord looks down, thinking something over.

0:43:20 Fjord: "If you had the right folk heading up that way, would you consider heading up there again?"

Matt: "He looks around the shop."

Wursh: "Maybe. Making easy money here. Not too bad. Feeling a little… I don't know, stifled by all this night, but, you know, I'm learning, I'm training."

Fjord nods.

0:43:59 Wursh: "Look, I don't want to take too much of your time. I'm just saying… you walking everywhere with your pelvis forward like that and looking to start a fight with anybody that calls you on, well, that attitude, you're going to end up shivved."

Fjord contemplates that.

0:44:18 Fjord: "And I appreciate you looking out."

0:44:21 Wursh: "I'm just saying, don't let any of that bullshit affect you. Just be confident in who you are. Don't try and prove anything."

Fjord, nodding: "Try not to let the heat get to you in here. I'm sure we'll see each other again, Wursh."

Wursh: "Maybe, Fjord, maybe."

0:44:43 Travis: "I reach out my hand."

Matt: "He, like, goes, turns, stops, kind of goes like,"

Wursh makes an affirmative sound and grips Fjord's hand.

Travis: "His fingers wrap around."

Matt: "Yeah. It's like a-" he demonstrates a firm hand clench. "He heads out inside and kind of shoulders past you all."

0:44:58 Jester: "Woah."

0:44:59 Caduceus: "I don't know how he did that. that was amazing."

0:45:00 Jester: "That was- I mean, like, did you see how… many abs he had."

0:45:05 Caduceus: "I mean… I mean even his advice had abs. That was crazy."

Jester: "That was crazy."

Travis, laughing: "His advice?"

0:45:09 Caduceus: "He just… It just like, broke through layers of walls with that guy. I mean, he just never just… I mean… How did that happen?"

0:45:18 Fjord: "Cool tattoos, huh?"

Jester: "Really cool tattoos."

Caduceus: "Super cool tattoos. they were very good, I mean, very impressive.

Yasha: "Yeah, that was amazing."

Jester: "He's pretty cool."

Caduceus: "Yeah."

Fjord looks at them quizzically.

Yasha: "He seemed like a super nice guy."

Caduceus, nodding to Fjord: "He seemed really nice."

Fjord makes a face and scratches his nose to cover it.

0:45:30 Fjord: "What else do we need?"

They discuss what they need to buy.

0:45:51 Laura: "As we walk, I pat Fjord's shoulder, and I say,"

Jester: "Don't worry, Fjord, you have really good abs, too. I felt them."

Fjord, waving her off: "Jester, you don't have to make me feel better about my abs."

Jester: "And you're taller than me. You're really tall in comparison to me."

Fjord, scratching his head uncomfortably: "Yeah, I- Yep, I sure am.'

Jester: "Yeah."

0:46:07 Fjord: "That was just a very large gentleman in there."

Jester: "Yeah. He was pretty big. But sometimes that's not a good thing, you know? Sometimes being a normal size is good, too."

Fjord narrows his eyes and looks like he doesn't know where she's going and he's not sure he likes it.

Caduceus: "What a normal size?"

Fjord: "A normal size?"

Jester: "Yeah, like me. That's a good thing."

Fjord, sarcastically: "I have to be above average. Just so you're aware"

Jester, realizing she's digging herself in a hole: "And then somebody that's even bigger than normal like you are is really good, too, it's like a nice thing! Shit; help me, Yasha."

Yasha: "No, it's okay. You look great."

Travis: "I look up at Yasha."

Fjord looks slightly put-out.

Yasha: "Yes, you're so close to me in size."

Fjord: "Mmhm."

Yasha: "Wait, is some of your… family as big as him?"

0:46:44 Fjord, cluelessly shaking his head: "I don't know who my family is, so I don't think so."

Taliesin, with a skeptical smile: "Insight check."

Taliesin was waiting for something. He rolls a 22.

0:47:02 Travis: "I don't know who my family is."

Taliesin: "Cool. Alright."

Yasha: "You've never known your family?"

0:47:06 Fjord, shrugging: "No. I'm an orphan."

Caduceus: "Really? Huh."

Nott: "So that guy could have been your cousin or something. You don't know."

Caduceus: "I mean, I don't see a resemblance, but…"

Jester: "He did have an accent similar to yours."

Nott: "He did."

Fjord, tensely and annoyed: "Uh huh. Little bit of a, you know, difference." He makes a swap gesture.

Jester: "Just in height."

Nott: "Yeah."

Jester: "But, you know, you looked pretty similar in teeth." Immediate look of regret. "Nope, your teeth are not- I don't- You really didn't look alike. But you had similar accents!"

Fjord, pulling his shirt down and looking really uncomfortable: "Boy!"

Caduceus: "[Could] plant a tree in that hole."

Nott: "The accent was a good tell, yeah, it's true."

Fjord crosses his arms.

Yasha: "It's- who raised you then?"

0:47:46 Fjord: "Uh… The kids around me, I guess. Just kind of learned from being around other orphans."

Caduceus studies him and process that sadly.

Caduceus: "Wow."

0:47:54 Fjord: "Yeah, it wasn't a great place. Driftwood Asylum is very…" He waves off his hand.

Jester: "Asylum!?"

Nott: "Like an orphanage?"

Fjord: "Yeah."

Yasha: "Driftwood Asylum?"

Fjord: "Mmhm."

0:48:04 Nott: "And you didn't even have, you know, like, your muscles to protect you. So, you had to rely on wits and cleverness."

Fjord scratches his face uncomfortably.

0:48:11 Fjord: "I mean, to be fair, I actually was a bit bigger than other kids when I was younger. Half-orcs tend to grow a bit faster, but yeah, I just tend to get picked on a lot. Only one of me around."

Caduceus: "Driftwood Asylum?"

Fjord: "Yeah."

0:48:25 Caduceus: "Someone named an orphanage after wood that needs to be somewhere else or really just wants to go somewhere else? That's just-"

Nott: "It’s also wood that if you find it, you know, it's nice. Sometimes they make art out of it and stuff."

0:48:36 Fjord: "I didn't say it was a great place."

Caduceus: "Wow."

Fjord: "Yeah."

Caduceus: "You lave layers. I feel I just learn something new every day."

Fjord eyes him suspiciously.

Yasha: "Yeah."

0:48:47 Caduceus: "Uh, where to, captain?"

0:48:50

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[icharchivist]

 i’ve got a spiral down about my past and needed to throw it all out somewhere sorry about that, scroll past

under cut cw: self harm mentions, suicide idealization mentions, the usual deal from my parents, abandon issues and even slight bigotery discussion that has nothing interesting to say, just me being upset at my parents, so please just scroll past. 

Honestly i act as cheerful as possible lately and to be honest, i truly am happier than i had been in a long while - my current hyperfixation helping a lot and i think it also helps me process some things that I need to process as of now, especially the whole “living in the present, moving forward and try not to think too much of the past” angle that i obsess about lately -

but there’s not a single day that passes where i’m not angry at my family, that i’m not frustrated, that i don’t want to scream. I look back at my past and want to destroy it all, throw it all out, hating every single minute of it. 

And it’s while it’s better now that my (ex)stepdad left for good (I still have the 6 fucking years of trauma he left me with to deal with though) and that my mom is barely there bc she’s happily living with her bf right now (and even there this bad, bitter part of me is just BITTER that she can just move on and be happy as if i hadn’t been miserable due to her decisions in that whole time) - there is still the case of the fact that there’s this trial against my dad that is bringing back sour memories because my dad just... come to shake things bc he sucks. 

And meanwhile i’m happy i don’t have the weigh to bother with my mom but like?? that adds to all the times i’ve felt neglected, abandonned, left behind. And she will be /happily/ doing so and i must be happy bc she’s happy. 

All those problems i have to still process the consequences to shouldn’t even have been problems to start with. There is no reason any of it is fair, any of it is worth it. 

And like everytime i look back i just see how miserable it made me and how i still pay those decisions to this day: hell right now my hands hurt like crazy and GEEZ. bc what is handicaping my hand? a sickness that started due to high dose of stress my parents put me under AND neglect bc my mom argued for months i didn’t need to see a doctor and we didn’t have the means for it, leading to me contracting a deadly disease that will ALWAYS remain in my blood and always show up again when i’m having some pick of stresses and that still forbid me to do things to that day.

And like... everytime i start to be in pain i get frustrated because those problems, i’ve learnt to deal with them and i especially learnt to shut the fuck up about it. Because even if those are things that could kill me, it’s always things that do it /slowly/ so my parents don’t care?? they just tell me to stop complaining and move on? Like i almost had a ulcer and since then can’t eat some stuff anymore but does that stop my mom from just cooking it and joking that “she too is in pain eating them”? 

And i’m frustrated because I compare to my sister who had also been deadly sick, but those deadly got very quick and concerning very fast so my mom at least always overprotected her - and that’s good and fine, i’m glad my sister got the support she needed, but in the meantime when I got my deadly sickness i was just told to suck it up and that we couldn’t see a doctor because see it’s slow so it’s not important? 

And there’s not a day without those thoughts to come back to me. And it frustrates me, it makes me want to yell. 

And like. Like. My mental health had been SO BAD for ALL THOSE YEARS and all i’ve ever heard was my mom in denial shutting me off everytime i tried to bring it up because “no no because it’d mean you’re crazy and you can’t be crazy” mom i’m telling you i want to kill myself pay fucking attention, or worse, my dad who used my confession to my mom about self harm (that my mom welcomed with fucking “I have more important things to deal with” before snitching to my dad that it was his fault while i didn’t want to tell my dad) tO PUT IT IN COURT and tlel the judge that my mental unstability “caused by my mom” was why he shouldn’t give me allowance and lol i was 15??? And that led my dad to make suicide jokes at my expense to total strangers as i grew up???

And then 4 years ago  when i cut ties with my dad he started to send threats telling me he was going to send doctors from the mental institude against us because we were “dangerous to society because we’re mentally unstable” for thinking he should pay the fucking allowance, and he’s threatening this very thing again now??? 

Meanwhile like even my mom told me that perhaps i should keep low my attempts at therapy because my dad might use it against me and like?? like??? in what fucking world. 

And I think back to those once in a while, those thoughts sneak back into my mind and i’m angry, i’m so angry, i’m so so angry at this past. I want to tear it off i want to remove it I just don’t want it. I am tired of staying up at night reviewing my trauma because my brain finds it funny to remind me that everything went downhill and i’m trying to fix what people had destroyed around me and i wonder why i even bother it’s not like i knew how it was when it wasn’t broken and i don’t see why i have to put this much effort into all of this that shouldn’t have happened to start with. 

and I can see random things and it sets off the spiral down, anything that is a cute tongue and cheek thing about your past can make me remember stupid things that happened and then it’s over for the few hours that follow because i need to review AAAALL of that trauma, including things i have no reason to remember about like my fucking ex. 

And it happens over and over and over again.

I’ve ended up having a rather weird spiral down rn bc when my brain keeps me awake at night i try to focus on learning Japanese so i still stimulate my brain and distract myself from mental breakdown, but it comes with its lots of trauma, like the fact my mom had always been pretty bigoted toward this culture and had always made me feel bad for being curious about it, that i’ve wanted to study it for ever but my mom always killed it in some way or another, that i was made ridicule for it, and hell so did my Dad, he was no better he was just less virulant than her and just more humiliating. My mom was shutting me off and my dad was humiliating me, they made such a goddamn duo (and anyway from the letters i’ve found back from my sister running away that was already their combo kill before, lmao, and they still do that while divorced ofc).

And I was thinking what would be THE event in my life i could change that would have saved me all that trouble? And i think, if my grandmother took me with her when she took my sister away from my family. If i grew up with them what would have happened? 

And I was thinking, geez my mom always told me they were horrible people and i mean the apple can’t have fallen so far from the tree right? Like, how is there any garentee it could have been better except for the fact my sister got a happy life there.

and from all the things I could remember i remembered that they moved away back to the island my mother grew up to that is nearby Japan (which was my mom’s justification for being bigoted), and that for a couple of months when i was 14 where my mom managed to get in contact back with her mother (not allowed to talk back to my sister though and that’s when things turned sour but that’s a whole other can of worms), and for that slight time my grandmother actually talked back to me and was the most encouraging person from my whole family, and she had patrons from Japan so since she knew i was interested she sent me goodies she could find, like a traditional fan i still have, and she was even talking about how my mom and I could move in with them, and that i’d study there and study the language and all and it was already more support than i’ve ever had before which i’ve never realized until now and i started to cry in the kitchen out of nowhere (probably not helping i was making onigiri so it’s the mood i guess)

and like all of this was a lie since a few weeks later she told my mom last minute that we weren’t allowed to approach them anymore since my sister didn’t want to see her anymore (DUH that’s why she ran away) so we had to change our plans last minute and we lost contact and i’ve lost pretty much all interests i had at the time because now i associated it to a sour memory, and i suppose that’s part of the reasons why i hadn’t considered studying Japanese again until pretty recently (that and the fact my mom still found bigoted boyfriends who belittled me for that as well but hey when the shoe fits i guess)

 and i guess this whole spiral down i was thinking, i was told all my life they were horrible people and I don’t know them enough to have judged them, yet in a couple of months i was in contact with them they had shown more support to me than my family ever did. 

And it just... guh.

I feel like ever since i’ve read my sister’s file and that every affection i still had for my family broke, everyday is just a flood of remembering memories i’ve repressed of slight neglects here and there, or things i’ve been in denial about because it couldn’t have been that bad right? 

And I feel like.. the more now i’m trying to be in a better place mentally, and to sieze things I want, the more i remember why i wasn’t doing those to begin with and it’s not just my mental health being bad because of my parents, it was the whole package the problem, i have this sort of trauma on every aspect of my life, there’s not a single thing i can think back without taking it in the lense of feeling betrayed by my family in some regards. 

And hell even to some extend i feel so, so upset that those bounds with my families are things I want to throw out to start with, because I value the principle of legacy, but my family never did and I think back about the fact my parents come from very different and vast cultures that has nothing to do with France (my father is southern italian, my mother is of jewish descendant (as in she herself considers herself atheist and she never passed it down but she was raised in the faith) with her family branches from Algeria and she grew up in tropical islands surrounded by their cultures) and that they always, always specifically made sure i never knew about it until very late, shutting me off of it and then being mad that i don’t know stuff from my father’s side or mad that I get curious about others things in general. 

and i feel misplaced, i feel like this odd number that never got the attention of my parents, that didn’t inherit anything and perhaps it’s better this way, but i’ve been envious all my life of this concept and now i keep thinking and thinking and thinking about what the hell went wrong and there’s nothing in my control, just trying to break the paterns over and over again. (and all of this not helped by the fact it was the same as school for similar reasons, so the problem always felt like a me thing, it takes forever to try to heal from it)

All while also i was the one who took care of all of them, ALL of them, of my mother’s trauma, of my father’s abuse, of my sister projecting her abandons issues on me and my eldest that left such a ghost in our life i have no memory of despite this weigh, all while dealing with life’s problems, school, bullying, my fucking ex, and I had to think about it, i had to take a lot of responsabilities very young to stop my mother from collapsing and to try to stop my father from hurting us, and it comes back, it comes back that i should have never taken this burden to start with, and that all this burden i’ve taken is for a family who had never connected with me, never tried to and always making me feel bad for doing so, and the people i’ve villified all my life as a coping mechanism ends up making me feel a sort of homesickness i don’t even know how to express because i don’t know what it is to have a home that doesn’t hurt and no place of escape was ever actually safe.

And i want to move on, i want to move past that, i’m tired to deal with those ghosts all over and over again, it should never have happened to start with. I am so frustrated of those battles i should never have had to pick, of this responsability i’ve taken, and now between my mom just going on living her life happy go lucky leaving me to fend on my own as if she hadn’t destroyed my life and my father who keeps arguing of how much of a terrible person i am for just asking for the rightfull help my parents owe me, all while also my father keep making me feel guilty about the disconnect i have with my family, about how i’ve cut ties with everyone, that i neglect this heritage i have, so much that the timing leaps over the things i want to focus on now and i grow bitter and bitter and there’s nothing my parents aren’t always poisoning in some way or another. 

I’ve been told all my life to not mimick my eldest, hearing humiliating things about her with the constant threat of “dont be like her” and now i yearn for having understood her back then and having done like her sooner instead of trying all my life to do the extra miles to not hurt my parents again the way she hurt them, while she was right, she was right all along and i’ve villified her all my damn life while she was right and i should have done the same far earlier if i hadn’t been made to feel guilty about having this clear exemple of a way out in front of me.

And i’m tired and i’m tired and i want out i hate this life i hate every single things that brought me to that past and i have no idea what i’m doing with my life nor why i even bother trying to keep walking but i sure as hell need to at least fucking try, if only because i can’t them let win it, if only by spite of wanting to finally cut it all out and them having to live with the fact they’ve destroyed everything they ever touched. 

So the spiral downs and freakout that keep me awake lately are super fun and i fucking love that i just had a breakdown in the kitchen because I just thought about how i was given my eldest sister’s room when she left home and all the things that then followed from me never feeling at home anywhere ever, and that just a single thought about a material thing from my past suddenly brings an avalanche of bad things to remind me of all that repressed memory i refuse to acknowledge.

Im having so much fun on this tuesday night, peace out i’m tired, i’ll blast some music again now.

[cuteandtwisted]

this prompt from awful-aus “You hired me to photograph your sister’s wedding and you need to leave me alone now so I can do my job. Just because you technically literally invited me does not make me “”ipso facto’” your date and I can’t take pictures when you’re using my tripod to help yourself stand upright.” AU 💛

(i’m gonna add rich!Isak to this one, which is VERY AU, I realize)

The first time Even touches him is by accident.

Even is a good person. He does his best to be kind to everyone he meets and to never judge a soul, and he’s mostly good at it. Well, except maybe when it comes to uptight, prickly, and arrogant Isak Valtersen. But Even has his reasons. He really does.

Many have tried to get to the bottom of Even’s dislike for the ‘cute rich boy’, some thinking that it’s a longterm rivalry or that perhaps Isak accidentally killed his puppy—anything extreme enough to warrant such strong negative feelings from the ‘chillest person on campus’. And they’re mostly right. It is out of character for him. Even has no reason to dislike ‘rich people’.

But Isak is more than that. Isak holds some pretty bigoted and insensitive opinions on the refugee crisis, too blinded by his own privilege. And while most people would let it slide, Even refuses to turn a blind eye, especially after Isak literally got into a fight with Mikael (that he had to physically break) and implied he wasn’t 100% Norwegian—and no, the fact that he actually had a tiny crush on Isak his first week at uni before any of this went down won’t change that.

.

“Dude, that was like two years ago,” Mikael sighs when he catches Even glaring at Isak in the cafeteria again. “Get over it.”

“It was last year,” Even corrects him, still holding Isak’s gaze across the large room. He feels ridiculous and mean, but Isak—in his dress shirts and cashmere sweaters—has been doing this a lot lately, provoking him and randomly stealing glances before looking down. Is he trying to start shit again or what.

“Give him a break. He’s a chill guy,” Mikael yawns before stuffing fries into his face again. “I know he looks like his mom dresses him every day, but he even apologized to me and stuff. He didn’t mean it like that.”

“You shouldn’t internalize micro-aggressions, Mikael. If he hurt you, then you should face it and confront him!”

“I can’t stand you, bro. Are you listening to yourself? He’s harmless!”

“How do you explain him glaring at me all the time then?”

“It’s called staring, Even. He’s like in love with you!” Mikael rolls his eyes.

“I’m leaving.”

.

Even is doodling in his sketchbook when Isak Valtersen materializes in front of him in the library, making him instantly draw his brows together.

“Uh hello,” Isak clears his throat and Even loses his resolve for a second because the younger boy sounds nervous and looks incredibly uncomfortable in his v-neck cashmere sweater.

“Uhm hi.”

“So, uh. I heard you do photography, and I was wondering if you want to work on my sister’s wedding.”

Even blinks at him, his mouth gaping a bit. He doesn’t mean to but he stares hard enough to notice a delicate flush spread along Isak’s cheeks all the way to the tip of his ears. His eyelashes are ridiculously long and he’s rambling. It’s almost adorable.

“Uh, I mean I know it’s last minute. But I messed up booking a photographer and it was the only thing she tasked me with. And now she doesn’t have one and she’ll kill me, and obviously I’ll pay you a lot of money to make up for the short notice, and—”

“I don’t need your money,” Even says and he sounds mean. He regrets it immediately because Isak is blushing furiously now and he looks like he’s about to combust from humiliation, like it’s taken all of his courage to come ask Even. “I mean you don’t need to offer me a lot of money,” Even sits up and speaks softly. “I don’t care about money.”

fuck.

Now Even is nervous and he doesn’t even know why. He doesn’t even like the guy, but some nonsensical instinct to just take care of him takes over. And Even hates how he has no resolve whatsoever, how all it takes is a pretty boy with long eyelashes to move him.

“Are you available this Sunday?”

“Yeah, I think so.”

“Promise?” Isak asks with big round eyes, and Even is both puzzled and endeared by the word and by how earnest he sounds uttering it, like he holds promises sacred.

“Promise.”

.

“What the hell?” Mikael laughs. “That was fast.”

“Shit. I don’t know. He looked like he really needed me, okay?”

.

The second time Even touches him is not that much of an accident.

It’s a mess, really. Even has no idea why he said yes or how Isak got his phone number. But he’s been texting him nonstop about equipment and tripods and camera models for a week now. And while Even has his own gear, he can’t turn down the opportunity to shoot with the real expensive stuff. Isak’s family can afford it after all, so he doesn’t feel too bad.

Even is overwhelmed by just how much money Isak ends up spending on the rather simple job. He’s almost bouncing with excitement as he shows him what he got, and Even secretly hopes Isak has rented and not bought all of this.

.

Even is enjoying the wedding reception and the job itself despite the collar of his shirt digging into his skin and his hair refusing to stick to one direction. But he thinks he would enjoy the job more if Isak Valtersen actually gave him some space. No, really, the kid has barely left his side, only walking away to grab himself yet another drink from the bar then almost running to glue himself back to Even’s hip. He also insists on looking at every shot right after Even takes it, and he’s even directing him now.

“Can you go closer? Can you take a picture of her side profile? I think the light is better over there. No, not the groom, fuck that guy. Can you focus on her hair? She’s proud of her updo. Can you do effects or something? Oh, that’s post-processing? What’s post-processing? Photoshop? Oh, is that expensive? Do you want me to pay for it? Oh you have an illegal copy? Can you get arrested for that? Can you get a picture of all her friends? Can I see? Wait, go back three pictures.”

Even’s skin is crawling an hour in because not only is Isak not letting him do his job, but he’s currently leaning on the very expensive tripod to keep himself from falling over, not to mention that his cheeks are flushed and his curls are a mess and he’s giggling and Even wants to touch.

Shit. Control yourself.

.

“Do you want a drink?” Isak asks and Even has to let go of the camera to hold him because Isak is tripping over his own feet and slurring his words and why is this kid so drunk on his sister’s wedding and why is he here with me instead of with his family.

“I don’t drink on the job,” says Even as he hooks an arm around Isak’s waist to support him and tries to will away the excitement building up at the pit of his stomach.

“I don’t mind,” says Isak, turning his face to him until all Even can see are his long eyelashes and his incredibly sad and heartbreaking eyes. “I can pay you now if you want. You took enough pictures. I don’t mind.”

.

Isak might look small but he isn’t, and Even is learning it the hard way right now with Isak leaning almost fully against him as he drags him away and tries to find someone to take over. A man in a fancy suit and a strong build finds him before he loses it—thank god—and sighs heavily.

“Always an embarrassment, this one,” the man breathes in disapproval, and for some reason, Even frowns and tightens his hold around Isak’s passed out body. “A friend of Isak’s?” He raises an eyebrow.

“Yes,” Even lies.

“How surprising. Didn’t think anyone actually liked him.” Even is glaring at the man now and before he can bark, he hears. “I’m Terje, his father.” The man then hands him keys and shrugs, “Here, take my car before anyone sees him like this. The address to the house is in the GPS. Make sure he doesn’t throw up on my seats.”

And with that he’s gone.

.

Isak falls asleep against the window and Even has to bite down his own lower lip to bear the sound of Isak’s head bumping against the glass. He can’t stand it, however, and he eventually slows down and makes sure to drive as gently as possible.

It gets even worse because when they stop at a red light, Even reaches for Isak’s head and pulls it towards his own shoulder and eventually his chest. It’s extremely uncomfortable, but at least Isak is no longer hurting himself. Though when the younger boy curls into his side and purrs in his sleep, Even has to take a deep breath because the stirring in his chest almost makes him drive into the sidewalk.

.

“Where are we? What are you doing?” Isak blinks in confusion when they cross the threshold. The house is enormous, and a warm woman greets them at the door and takes Isak’s coat and Even’s as well. She then guides him to Isak’s room which is upstairs.

“You’re home. It’s fine,” Even reassures him as he pulls him up the steps. He drops Isak into what he assumes is his bed and sits beside him to catch his breath.

“I ruined the wedding. I’m such a disappointment,” Isak sighs in defeat, an arm crossed over his face to cover his eyes. “I ruin everything.”

Even knows he should leave. He’s done more than enough and he doesn’t owe this boy anything, really. But the words resonate with him. The shame, the disappointment, the loneliness. It all sounds like something straight out of Even’s mouth.

So he lies back down next to Isak.

“You did great today, Isak. You didn’t ruin anything.”

“Liar.”

“I’m not lying. You were wonderful today. Your sister was very happy.”

Isak removes his arm from where it’s lying on his face and looks at Even through wet eyelashes with something like gratitude in his eyes.

“I’m not racist, Even. I swear,” Isak mumbles in a small voice while Even stares at him, all limbs and curls on his massive bed. “I thought your friend was being homophobic to me last year and I said the dumbest thing. I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to. Please don’t hate me. Everybody hates me.”

Even must be the weakest person in the world because he’s undeniably moved by the plea in this boy’s voice. He’s so moved that he reaches over and lets his right hand thumb Isak’s cheek as gently as possible. He can’t help it, providing comfort when he can. And the way Isak’s eyes flutter shut almost instantly at the contact, nuzzling against his palm like he can’t help it, like he needs it, like he’s never been touched quite like this, makes Even’s protective instincts nearly soar in his chest, his heart filling with something resembling tenderness.

“I don’t hate you,” Even says and it’s true.

“Promise?”

And there it is, the ever slight fluttering in his heart.

“Promise,” says Even.

“Can you stay tonight?”

Even stays the night. Then when he wakes up in Isak’s massive bed with his chest pressed against the boy’s back and his arms locked around his stomach like they belong in the other’s embrace, he jumps in absolute panic and shows himself out in his clothes from the previous day.

Isak texts him ‘thank you’ and ‘I’m sorry’ in the afternoon and Even isn’t sure what to do, so he doesn’t reply.

Later at night, he gets a few more texts. ‘I’m sorry I was so weird last night. Didn’t want to make you uncomfortable. I’d like to be friends if you want.’

‘It’s also okay if you don’t. I understand.’

.

Isak finds him at the school cafeteria with the boys on Tuesday and hands him a sealed envelope without looking him in the eye.

“For Sunday. Thanks a lot Even, I owe you one,” he says with a brave but distant smile then nods in Mikael’s direction. “Hello guys,” he adds politely before turning on his heel.

It’s money, the ‘lots of money’ that Isak promised him. And Even feels terrible.

.

Even sees him everywhere and it scares him how much he wants to go to him, talk to him, touch him, hold him, ask him if he’s okay, double-check if he still asks ‘promise?’ when Even says something nice. 

It scares him how much he cares for this boy he knows so little about. It terrifies him.

Maybe it’s my brain playing tricks on me again. Maybe.

Even pines from afar.

.

“I heard Isak got a second job at the coffee shop where we hang out,” says Elias while they’re working on a ‘Hei Briskeby’ edit. “Apparently he’s in bad terms with his dad and he has to work for his own money. I had no idea it was bad between them. Did you know?”

Even groans into a pillow and spends the rest of his day thinking about appropriate ways to text Isak.

.

“Hey,” Even clears his throat then has to stop himself from gasping when Isak looks up from his book in the library.

“Uh hi,” says Isak and he’s blushing again and Even suddenly remembers how it felt like to hold him in that bed. “Even. Oh, hi!”

He’s adorable and Even just smiles because he can’t help it and because he’s been nothing but mean to this boy, yet he’s glowing and smiling and blushing right now like he’s happy to see him.

Even takes a deep breath then slides the envelope along the desk. Isak blinks, confused.

“I told you I don’t need your money,” Even smiles this time around then watches him squirm.

“But—“ Isak pauses, bites his lip. “You worked for hours.”

“It wasn’t that bad.”

“But it was. And you even did the post-processing stuff and you listened to me whine about everything, and you drove me home, and you took me to my room, and—” he pauses again.

“And I cuddled you until morning,” Even continues for him, letting himself fall on the chair opposite of Isak.

Their eyes meet and he can see how embarrassed but hopeful Isak is, how scared but willing to take a leap of faith. He can see it, how badly he wants this, needs this, aches for this, whatever this is. And who is he to crush this boy’s hopes? Who is he to turn Isak down when everything in him is urging him to just show him how loved he can be, how precious he can feel?

“Let’s consider the cuddles payment for my services,” Even adds.

“But— you left.”

“Because I’m an idiot.”

There’s a pregnant pause after that. Isak takes a deep breath then finally speaks. “I thought you didn’t want me.”

Oh babe.

“I want you,” says Even, almost immediately too. Because he feels like Isak needs to hear it, because he feels like he’s not the kind of person to thrive on subtle actions and assume and wish for the best. Because he feels like Isak needs that validation, that undeniable and unwavering confirmation that he is in fact wanted. Isak who insists on double-checking every nice thing that’s ever said to him by seriously asking ‘promise?’ like he’s used to people deceiving him and not doing good by him. Isak who seems like he doesn’t get to hear these three words nearly enough. Isak who stole his heart on a rainy Sunday afternoon. Isak. So Even says it, again and again. “I want you.”

Isak smiles and it’s precious, like a treasure. “Promise?”

“Promise.”

The third time Even touches him, it’s because he’s aching to.

[icyjasmine-sherbet]

Please don’t be so harsh on the girls

I may not really be saying something extremely insightful and mind blowing but I just want to offer my perspective here, especially when all the girls are getting so much hate and unpopularity. We all know that right from S1, Sana has been the strongest, most mature, smartest and sensible person in the girls squad. She’s definitely the pillar of strength. Think about it, we have in THREE seasons NEVER seen Sana’s weaknesses. We have NEVER seen her vulnerable.We have NEVER seen her come to anyone for advice or to unburden some guilty secret or even just talk about her feelings. She’s always come off as extremely secure and confident and fully capable of dealing with her emotions in a mature way so as to seemingly never need the help of her friends. Yet what a shocking contrast to what we’ve seen Sana experience in the first episode of S4 alone. This is a classic trope of the strongest, quietest, most observant member of the group being the most scared, vulnerable, insecure and lonely on the inside. The girls have not suddenly started ignoring Sana or being indifferent to her wants and needs. This is how it’s always been. If we were seeing these events from any of the girls perspectives, it would’ve looked the same as it did in S1 and 2. Sana standing quietly, Sana being a little snarky, Sana being aloof. The girls only see Sana like this, why would they ever dream of asking her if she’s feeling left out? That’s like the girls asking Vilde why she’s being so desperate. Vilde’s always been desperate. Sana’s always been slightly aloof. People feel like she’s being ignored in the texts. Has she? Just go back to S2 texts and read them again. This time from Sana’s perspective. It’s always been like this.Her contribution is minimum, she’s not the initiator of conversations. She’s brisk and to the point while the other girls talk about random stuff and put emojis and gifs and make plans. Maybe Sana’s isolation in the past months has increased because of her crush on Yousef and the frustration and conflict that comes with it. But Sana can’t open herself up to any of them now because it would mean showing her vulnerability, her weakness. And I can relate so much to that idea of never fully revealing my innermost thoughts and feelings to anyone. Not even my best friends. It’s almost egoistic in a sense that I feel a dent in my pride that I’m not able to solve my own problems. it’s almost like I don’t want to burden or bother anyone with my issues.And I think that’s exactly how she feels too. When one has a tendency to bottle up and put on such an elaborately constructed armour for months and years, it’s almost impossible to suddenly break out of it and one day talk to someone. In fact, I’d wager that it’s easier to talk to a stranger than a friend at this point. Maybe this is why so many of us feel Sana’s crushing loneliness and heartache, because a lot of us have this tendency to bottle up and put on a brave face for the world. And we automatically jump to Sana’s defence, yelling at the girls, telling them to look at Sana, understand what she’s going through, feel her pain! We do this so vehemently, as if we’re telling our own friends, the people in our own lives, to LOOK AT ME, try to see what I’m going through! But you have to realize that nobody’s going to save you. Nobody’s going to help you or ask if you’re ok. You either save yourself or you open up to someone and seek help. Those are the only two healthy ways to deal with it. And that’s exactly what Sana needs to do. She needs to open up about her feelings and thoughts, her fears and worries, her dreams and hopes to someone. Out of all the other girls, I feel like Noora is the most mature and will likely be the most understanding of Sana. While Eva and Chris are well meaning, I would see them as slightly ditzy and incapable of really understanding the nuances of Sana’s issues. Vilde is not only immature but her prejudices will certainly come in the way of her helping Sana, especially with Yousef. While it’s nice to romanticize Sana’s relationship with the boys, I really don’t see her developing a closer bond with them than the girls. These girls have been through so much together, and whatever it may look like now, Sana really does love them and enjoys their company or she would have walked away from them a long time ago. The reason Sana was playful and joking around with the boy squad in the first clip was because her relationship with them is casual and relaxed. They’re not close enough for any tension or confrontation. They haven’t been through enough situations together, at least nowhere near what the girls have all been through.

Now, Before this rant turns into a novel, I just want to say that people need to stop denouncing the girls, calling them hateful names and judging them so heavily. The point of this show is that the characters are not perfect.These girls are not evil, Vilde is not a bigot, they are not purposely trying to make Sana feel bad. This isn’t to say that they’ve always treated Sana right but at some point or the other, each of them have felt othered. Sana maybe slightly more so because of the strong personality that she is and because of her faith. That’s why it’s so important for her to build those bridges and break down those walls to let them in. I trust that Sana must and will open up to them. To quote Dr Skrulle, NO MAN IS AN ISLAND. People need people and Sana needs her friends, now more than ever. 

[aeolian-mode]

Do you find it difficult being Christian in a society where the religious Right has done so much harm? Not judging and feel free to skip this if it's too personal a question, I'm just curious.

That’s a good question and I don’t mind answering it. Due to the religious/political nature of the post I’ve put it under a readmore, for anyone interested in seeing my opinions. I hope this doesn’t come off as preachy but I guess I’ve been wanting to say it in public for a while. Here it goes.

The short answer is yes. The long answer: I consider myself a Christian and politically moderate- or at least there’s only a few political issues I really think are ‘hills worth dying on’, so to speak. The TL;DR of my political viewpoints are: don’t be a jerk. I respect all life- all people, the Earth and its creatures. If something is coming along to exploit the living things of this world then I probably dislike it. In the ideal world I think there would be a way where humans treat each other right to where everyone feels loved and respected, and we can live in a society where we have fulfillment in our work and work hard for others and our families, and the Earth is taken care of in the process and nature can thrive alongside us.Unfortunately we don’t exactly live in the ideal world and things aren’t so easy to figure out. The best thing we can be is our best selves to the people around us and vote for the things that matter to us. I don’t really look at politics in terms of ‘right’ vs ‘left’ honestly. There’s people with good ideas and there’s people with bad ideas, and that’s just human nature. I can see the merit in a lot of viewpoints, especially when you spend a lot of time researching *why* people feel the way they do about a variety of controversial issues. It doesn’t mean I agree with them, but I do understand. That said, yes, I do see where people are coming from in terms of pointing at the “religious right” for a lot of social turmoil. There is a lot of merit in that unfortunately, which makes it difficult for me to tell somebody I’m a Christian in casual conversation. I feel like that automatically puts a target on my back, like I’m a bigot or something. Fact of the matter is, Christianity is a hugely complicated religion with an incredibly dense theology as well as a turbulent history. When someone tells you they’re a “Christian” they can mean any number of a thousand different things- from how heavily they practice their faith to which denomination they belong to and whether or not they’re Catholic or Protestant or something else entirely. I took a lot of theology and religion classes back in college which was very educational for me, and the more you learn about religions (and Christianity by proxy) you realize just how complex, beautiful, ugly, cruel, and loving the whole ordeal is. At the end of the day, I don’t blame the religion, I blame the people who parade around the label and then turn around and act like jerks to their fellow man. The major tenants of Christianity are:1. Love your fellow man.2. Love God. 3. Recognize the triune relationship of God, the Son and the Spirit.4. Acknowledge the saving grace of Christ’s sacrifice to pay for the weight of humanity’s sin- as well as a personal interest in YOUR life. Faith without love is dead. So, if you’re a Christian reading this right now, if you’ve made somebody feel like you hate them today, I want you to really ask yourself how much of Christ’s example you actually care to follow. In fact, I’d wonder if you actually read the book that is central to understanding the teachings of your faith.Because Jesus was best friends with some of society’s “worst” and “outcast” people. He treated them like his friends and loved them. And he strongly spoke out against the “holier than thou” of society, who paraded around their attitude of “I’m better than you!” (These people were called ‘pharisees.’) Christianity is literally all about that. About recognizing that you’re no different than me- in fact, I’m the worst. 1 Timothy 1:15 (ESV): The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the foremost.

So how about we stop being so sure that we’re ‘right’ that we are completely OK treating others as if they’re beneath us? Please?If anyone has further questions for me about specifics about Christianity I’d love to answer, but I don’t intend to turn my blog into a preaching platform. I just enjoy the educational aspects of learning what the book actually says, and how modern theology has come to interpret it.

[caredogstips]

Trump on trial: Kaine calls on Pence to defend running mate in conversation

Vice-presidential candidates spar on Putin, Syria and patrolling as Democrat launches assault on Trump safaruss most unconscionable statements

Donald Trump was put on trial in his absence during the vice-presidential conversation as his running copulate Mike Pence was accused of trying to defend the indefensible.

But Democrat Tim Kaine, hugging his persona as Hillary Clintons attack dog, ended so aggressively that numerous psychoanalysts felt he lost the debate on style to the soothe, written and assessed Republican Indiana governor.

In a focus radical conducted by strategist Frank Luntz for CBS News in the shaking district of Ohio, 22 people used to say Pence won and only four pronounced Virginia senator Kaine persisted. When Luntz ranged a same radical during last weeks presidential dispute, Clinton hit Trump 16 -6.

Pence committed a polished action that could have given some is expected to be Republicans, and much wishful thinking about a non-Trump pinnacle of the ticket, but he was frequently thrust on to the back paw by a merciless catalogue of the nominees words and deeds.

Six days tonight, I have said to Governor Pence I cant suppose how you are able to represent your flowing mates place on one issue after the next, Kaine replied. In all six actions, hes refused to defend his running copulate. And yet he is asking everybody to vote for somebody that he cannot defend.

Pence stood steady under barrage during the only vice-presidential dialogue of awareness-raising campaigns but when Kaine brought up Trumps campaign launch claim that the Mexican government is purposely mailing rapists into the United States, he awkwardly replied: You flogged out that Mexican event again. Kaine necessitated: Can you protect it?

Kaine assaulted the Trump record on issues ranging from tax, weapons and Senator John McCains war service to his description of women as slobs and pigs, his suggestion that women who have abortions should be punished and his questioning of Barack Obamas birthplace.

Referring to Trumps past kudo for authoritarians, Kaine suggested: Hes got a personal Mount Rushmore: Vladimir Putin, Kim Jong-un, Muammar Gaddafi and Saddam Hussein.

Mostly Pence flatly denied that Trump had built contentious statements and, instead of defending the candidate, resorted to the programme of gaslighting, by frequently objection known facts to influence the truth.

He claimed Trumps past observes were small potatoes compared with Clintons infamous mention when she described half of Trump advocates as a basket full of deplorables.

Pence ducked, dodged or disavowed words that Trump has put on the record. The Clinton campaign accused of him telling downright lies in some instances. David Gergen, a former presidential adviser, said here on CNN: Pence will not fare well with happening checkers, but his position and polish played well with voters. For better or worse, mode countings a lot in these debates.

The debate in Farmville, Virginia, with presidential candidates sitting at a counter rather than standing at lecterns, was not expected to have a major impact on the presidential hasten, though Trump himself could not resist affording a live note via Twitter. He claimed: Mike Pence triumphed big-hearted. We should all be very proud of Mike!

Pence started strongly and examined directly into the camera in such a way that Kaine did not. After a bewilder political year that has shaken the Republican party, Pence, a 12 -year congressman and Indiana governor came over as a somewhat genuine articulation of conservatism who may be consoling and energizing for defendant fellow members who find Trump distasteful.

He attacked Clintons record as secretary of state, indicating: We realize entire portions of the world, especially the wider Countries of the middle east, literally inventing out of control. He quoth the crisis in Syria and a newly emboldened Russia following a failed Clinton reset.

Referring to Clintons use of a private email server at her dwelling, Pence, referencing the facts of the case that he and Kaine both have sons who are US navals, mentioned: If your son or my son handled classified information the way Hillary Clinton did, theyd be court martialed.

Seeking to play the role of Clinton attack dog, Kaine ended several times, perhaps a little too zealously. He gave some patently practised directions, telling Penny: You are Donald Trumps apprentice, and questioning: Do you crave a youre hired president in Hillary Clinton or do you want a youre burnt president in Donald Trump?

Pence, who remained written in style and spokesperson, a distinguish to the thin-skinned Trump, responded: You use that a whole lot. And I think your operating teammate use a lot of pre-done lines.

Debating the economy, the Republican added with security: Senator, you can roll out amounts and the sunny side, but I got to tell you, people in Scranton know different; people in Fort Wayne, Indiana, know different. I necessitate, this economy is struggling.

Kaine, however, gradually ascertained his statu and tallied degrees when he attacked Trump. He had batch of information working in cooperation with. He impounded the opportunity to rebroadcast, before an audience of millions, many of Trumps most offensive and notorious statements about Mexicans, Muslims and women.

There is a fundamental respect topic here, the Democrat read. And I just want to talk about the style defined from the top. Donald Trump during this campaign has announced Mexicans rapists and offenders, hes called females slob, pigs, puppies, outraging. I dont like saying that in front of my wife and mother.

He attacked an Indiana-born federal judge and said he was unqualified to hear a federal lawsuit because his mothers were Mexican. He extended after John McCain, a POW, and said he wasnt a hero because hed been captivated. He did African Americans are living in hell. And he inflicted this outrageous and bigoted lie that President Obama is not a US citizen.

He contributed: I cannot believe that Governor Pence will defend the insult-driven expedition that Donald Trump has run.

On almost every occasion, Pence offered little by way of justification. When confronted with Trumps mentions that girls should be punished for having abortions, a statement the former world Tv sun afterwards attempted to walk back, Pence simply offered: Look, hes not a polished legislator like you and Hillary Clinton.

Why dont you trust wives? Kaine retorted.

When the discussion turned to criminal justice reform, both candidates were in agreement on at the least one thing: the government must do more to support the police.

But Kaine and Pence differed dramatically on how to resolve heightened strains between law enforcement and communities of hue after a series of high-profile police killings of unarmed black men.

Kaine warned of the dangers of Trumps desire for a return to contentious stop-and-frisk tactics while Pence categorically denied there are still racial bias in policing tactics. Senator, please, Pence pronounced, turning to Kaine: Enough of this seeking every opportunity to demean law enforcement broadly by making the accusation of implicit bias each time tragedy occurs.

Pence dramatically cracked from his running teammate on several foreign policy issues, criticizing Putin as a small and bullying leader and carrying a willingness for the United States been involved in military action against the Assad regime. The United States of America should be prepared to use military force to impress military targets of the Assad regime to prevent them from this humanitarian crisis that is taking place in Aleppo, Pence said on stage.

In contrast, Trump said in May: I would have stayed out of Syria and wouldnt have pushed so much better against Assad because I thought that was a whole happening. Although the Republican nominee suggested Assad was bad in a 2015 interview with the Guardian,he has long become clear that the United States should not intervene in Syria and that the United States should cooperate with Russia, a close regiman ally, in the region to combat Islamic militants.

Jason Miller, elderly communications consultant to Trump, insisted last night: Mr Trump has been very clear where he stands where it comes to Syria and while I revalue your efforts to go and try to create a subdivide between the two, we have a very unified ticket.

Miller added that Governor Pence and Mr Trump will be right in line on Syria and said that there was no sunlight between the two on the issue.

David Bossie, Trumps deputy campaign manager, held after the dialogue that he didnt “ve learned that” specific thread when asked to comment on Pences commentaries about Putin. He also said he wasnt sure if Trump agreed with his running copulate on Syria. I am going to have to talk to Mr Trump about that, Bossie told the Guardian. Following the dispute, moderated by Elaine Quijano of CBS News in Longwood Universitys basketball arena, Clinton campaign aides told reporters that Pence had arrived with a gameplan to present a more reasonable posture and to avoid defending Trump at all costs.

Mike Pence could have given the performance of his life tonight and it wouldnt have made a dimes worth a difference in terms of reassuring the public that Donald Trump is temperamentally fit to be president, Brian Fallon, a spokesman for the Clinton campaign, said in the twisting room.

Clintons campaign manager, Robby Mook, pronounced Pence virtually threw Donald Trump under the bus on several policy issues, including US-Russia relations and the Syrian civil war.

Thats disturbing, Mook mentioned. These two people have to work as a division. That clearly was not on display here tonight.

John Brabender, an adviser to the Pence campaign, mentioned: I envisaged from the opening buzzer, Pence seemed strong and likable and articulated the questions extremely well and won the conversation going away.

He added: More importantly he did maybe best available position between the two debates of somebody demo both a imagination for Trump and laying out the subject against Hillary Clinton. I thought he did a better occupation than Donald Trump did.

Read more: www.theguardian.com

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