#so it is just staring at grey static cabinets being headlocked into emotionless fantasies of harm.
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blackwaxidol · 10 months ago
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changed my bedsheets today but i end up crying into them for the past few hours because i reach the level of anger where all i can do is collapse in misery.
#the worse it gets the more high maintenance i become#and i cannot stand anything more than becoming unreasonable or a control freak.#so i go limp and stare at the other side of my room for a long time.#it's the part of the day where colour vision is useless. everything is monochrome static.#i have to stop moving and stop thinking. or stop acknowledging that i am thinking rather.#so it is just staring at grey static cabinets being headlocked into emotionless fantasies of harm.#i don't know what has happened to me.#again that emotion burning a hole in my stomach lining.#but i can't retrieve it because i have devolved into a rabid animal.#i don't know what is wrong. i wish people stopped for months or years.#so that i could catch up to them.#i think i always feel very isolated.#i think this is delusional of me. i can see a reality that is false but i cannot disprove it or make it less false for me.#so i am stuck feeling one way when i know it should be the other.#and i think that makes the anger worse. i am angry at myself.#always always the anger is at myself. even when the irritations are outward it does not matter#i hate how i react to things.#the overreacting builds and builds until i freak out and cry like i am bereaved. over very small things.#i don't know what i am saying really.#the source of things are obfuscated from me. maybe so i stop being able to size them up and criticise myself.#i know which part keeps that from me but i don't feel anyone else with me.#i don't want to seek it out though.#i just want to stop moving.
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