#so incredibly long oh my god

[alun-ura]

Do they get jealous easily? Do they feel bad if they do? and What are some of your OC’s biggest personal obstacles? This could be emotional, physical, social… Are they aware of it? Are they trying to overcome it? (Alun)

Big Ol’ Honkin’ OC Question List

Do they get jealous easily? Do they feel bad if they do?

I wouldn't say Alun gets jealous per se, instead what she feels is something more akin to protectiveness and spite to some extent - the way and the intensity of it varying of course depending on the person. In that regard Alun is usually very calm, she doesn't carry a sense of possessiveness over people for multiple reasons; one being that I hardly imagine Alun being a monogamous person, but going deeper into it would be that because of her lifestyle and past experiences, she wouldn't want to be heavily romantically invested to someone so she nips it at the bud before it can even get to the point of bubbling such a feeling.

Specifying a bit HOW she feels, when it comes to being protective of someone she does care about - Alun isn't exactly bothered about them being with someone else. Still, it is a lingering feeling of 'Is this person good enough for you?, Are they able to keep you safe? Will they hurt you?' that can make her somewhat hostile to this other party, or even seem jealous. When it comes to spite, it is usually aimed at partners she doesn't care as much about - people that tend to be more physical with her and, ironically enough, people that try to make her jealous. Most times, people with this kind of dynamic already have a nasty attitude coming from Alun, of overall being a prick and not pleasant - she'd often describe such people as her leftovers, if the other party wants that then she is more than fine with it. It's usually in a degrading way to both people, which can also seem like spiteful jealousy.

Alun neither feels bad nor regrets either situation, she feels entitled to both feelings in the way that A) She is seeking the best for that person when being protective to the point of being horrible to them, and B) She was never in an emotional tie to care about being spiteful to someone, often lacing it with the fact that she would have most likely warned them that things would be like that. Both are not exactly good, both her behaviors and her reasoning for them are rooted in deeper issues within herself that just flower up in such a way.

What are some of your OC’s biggest personal obstacles? This could be emotional, physical, social… Are they aware of it? Are they trying to overcome it?

I think the main thing that comes to mind is her inability to emotionally connect or rely on people, though I realize Alun has many varying obstacles in all categories (go girl!) so for this I'd just go down the list.

Emotional; to explain this better I'll dip toes a bit into some past stuff as Alun has been on an emotional rollercoaster since she left the Steppes - which was the exact opposite of what she used to be like, in quite the opposite, she had experienced little and none during her time living there, to the point of getting into a 'stunted' personality and emotional. There was far too much to address and to live once she left, and hardly any care for it at the time as if one decided to eat a huge hearty meal after being starved for weeks. As expected, it didn't go too well which leaves the current times not too different from what she used to be - there was a myriad of situations and feelings she had never properly experienced truly, and the main and lingering one at the current times is love and grief. What slingshot Alun into the current person she is, how she behaves, and how she emotionally responds to things and people is the loss of a loved one caused by herself, perhaps the only one she deemed true in her life despite never truly allowing room for another after that accident happened. 

It is one of the biggest themes when it comes to Alun as a person in a deeper sense of her character (and something plastered all over her aesthetic tag) but particularly this encompasses the feeling well.

"my death will forever cling to you, leaving behind a slimy trail and a metallic taste in your mouth. my soul will forever drag you down like the heavy corpse of a long-dead god, who somehow still grants wishes. you can't tell which one of us is the one not letting go. you know not even your own death will end this." 

This branches out in other aspects of her obstacles per se but I believe it to be the biggest of them, realistically she should get over it - but the damage made by her and to her due to such feeling is the one thing that I find it incredibly hard to see Alun surpass as it grew into an enormous knot between emotion, physical and social all. She is constantly haunted by it, in her dreams and losing sleep over it, it follows her in a personality adopted by herself and traits that did not belong to her, she sees them in shadows and the corners of her eyes during medication, the crystal necklace being the only thing she has from them - that sometimes seems to talk to her with that same voice. And she has questioned her sanity before due to it all, even when she is doing good or when she is completely awake it is there as a constant ringing of what happened will be shackled to her. So it ends up reflecting an unfulfilled bond, in guilt and fear that she has to surpass to truly, emotionally connect with someone. I don't think she needs to get over ALL of these to make it happen personally, but because of the type of person she is, it is very easy for the other side to fuck up in the way and have Alun retract from any progress made.

Alun is bitterly aware of it, it has come into the topic before and she recognizes it as the issue it is when she began questioning her own sanity due to it, but she isn't trying to overcome it in any way. She has, as a character, gone full circle where she hated the lack of motion her life had brought her, only to willingly walk back into it herself - Alun is 'comfortable' in the stillness of carrying her life as it is until she dies and hopefully can meet them again. 

Physical; I think this can be addressed both in a bodily manner and a physical interaction way so I'll ramble about both. Going deeper into that, due to the scarring that such a loss left on her, the regards for her wellbeing were knocked away as well and this turned into a couple issues with her current days. She has sustained a couple injuries over the years, the worst being over her ribcage as I mentioned somewhere here before - the wound clearly affects her breathing if one has a keen eye for it. She also puts too much attention into defending that side, enough to leave room for other crucial parts of her body open as a target. Because of her behavior regarding her own body, she doesn't go through too much trouble in defending it, though of course she won't take blows if she can avoid it - but the scarrings over her are clear enough. To this point, she doesn't exactly have too many issues besides that which brings the actual bodily obstacle; her dependency on medication. Her body is usually aching, due to exertion, injuries, and the chemical response to the constant cocktail that goes inside her - usually all deafened by it. It has got to the point where she doesn't heal properly due to it, her response to a magickal approach isn't good too in both the body and mind, and on top of it, it has been affecting her inhibition and cognition to some extent. Her necklace takes part in how her body takes all of this in, but her addiction is by far her worst physical obstacle - and yet again, she is aware of it but she doesn't see it as a problem that has any other solution to it because she doesn't see the dependency as the problem, but how her body & health currently are now. 

The other facet of a physical obstacle is how she physically connects to people since the emotional option is usually out of the picture. This is the way that Alun will gladly invest herself into, though yet again it is in a destructive way as I mentioned above regarding her wellbeing. It is the easiest way to connect to her, and also the easiest way to completely shatter any opportunity to get anywhere 'closer' to her - and also what she WILL offer in most scenarios if the chance is given. This doesn't have to be romantically or sexually exclusive, and goes as far as offering herself physically to a foe [ in a fight right? :) ], ultimately, she gets the same satisfaction of being beside someone either as a partner or as an enemy. And this can go in any way, be together in combat or opposing, sharing a respite together, or in bed. With this, she is steadily building wall after wall that, as closely as it gets with the other person, she is putting her actual self further and further away while getting that high of a company she desperately wants, not that person's company but just A company. In a physically social way, I think this is the biggest obstacle and something Alun is actually not aware of - she is lonely and starved for different aspects of comfort, and she seeks all of these with the company of strangers regardless of if they are hostile or not.

Social; I think all of the above builds into her social issues and the knot I mentioned within all of these, that builds into her biggest social struggle that's her fear of getting close, her emotional distance while being physically close, how her medication aids in hindering her personality to an extent - all of these builds into Alun being a tricky individual to get close to because she is constantly shifting from cold and hot. It flickers back and forth, from friendly teasing to cruel remarks, of interest to silence, toothy grins that follow that perpetual monotone voice. Though the reason for it is an amalgam of all of the above, she has adopted many traits of the people that she knew, people that she lost, and built who she currently is as a walking monument for those. In a way, it is one of the reasons why she won't take the approach of just choosing to die - I know I posted this quote of hers here before but this is the best take I have of the creature herself about it. 

 “All that I am now, every memory, everything that I know, every thing that I did, every single fucking step of the way– I would give it all back t'him if it meant getting him back.” 

All that she currently is is pieces put together of those that she affected somehow, that Alun blames herself for - and this shows in her very personality, in an adopted form of speech, or her preference for certain drinks, down to the very fidgeting habits she has. She does this in a conscious way while seeing that both as the person she is and someone she also won't always be - which can make it difficult if someone is after knowing Alun in a deep sense, of who she is, or keeping up with her behavior.

[suburbanbonfire]

honey you got a big storm coming inspired by Jordan Peele's NOPE and particularly this poster design

(prints)

[monstermommie]

"was that good, darling? yea, you enjoyed it? sounded so pretty for me. took my strap so well too, i’m impressed." after cleaning you up and redressing, i go to put on some cologne, forgetting what my scent does to you. i turn my back to you for a split second, placing my fragrance away in my bag. without warning, you’re pressed up behind me groping my hips. "fuck, sweetheart, you know how sensitive they are. was my strap not enough? you can barely walk yet you’re grinding against my ass like a dog in heat." i’ve already cleaned you up, we’re both about to head out, and here you are whimpering into my neck, nails digging into my hips, humping me. "that feels so good, puppy. you’re such a horny little mutt, can never get enough of me, can you? hm?" you try to answer but it only comes out as broken whines. "awwh, that’s okay, my love, i know just what you’re thinking." we’re both fully clothed but I can feel you twitching against my ass. we both had no idea you could get hard like this. you begin to fondle my sensitive tits and i nearly black out. your other hand snakes across my torso ultimately resting against the very large wet spot on my panties. you’re still rutting hard against my ass through all this, hips shuddering, kissing at my neck. the hand in the front of my jeans begins rubbing perfect fucking circles against me, i’ve never finished so quick in my life. you don’t stop there. i’m pressing against your hand, letting you know you can stop. "fuck, puppy, those hands are so good, holy shit. you made me cum so fast, sweetheart." you drool on my back. a big wet spot with a long strand of saliva connected to it. "awwh, that’s so hot. you look so pretty drooling all over me." you lose control, thrusting against me as hard as you can, your hands leaving their imprint on my hips. "i’m so close, my love. don’t fucking stop, you’re doing so well for me, pup." you pause your tender kisses to bite hard at the nape of my neck sending shivers down the top of my spine. i finish, shuddering against you, praising your work. you cum too, convulsing and shaking for the second time against my ass. immediately, i wine my ass back against you, jiggling, pressing. you finish again in your pants upon contact. "fuck, sweet thing, you look so pretty behind me. can’t help but press against you, barely know what to do with all this, hm?" without time to recover, you start humping me again while i bounce back against you. your legs still shaky from the strap you received not even twenty minutes ago, you stumble back into the nearby wall, but the rebound is immediate, you’re in heat, using me to hold you up as you thrust against me once again. kissing my neck, kneading at my waist. you bring your lips to my ear and ask me if you’re a good dog. i’ve soaked through more than just my underwear now, and magically your hand is inside them. "you’re such a good puppy for me, fucking me so well." upon hearing my praise, you drool against my neck, this time a thick line of spit hangs between your lips and my shirt. you apologize, kneading at my waist and grabbing anything you can get your hands on...

[curiositymemes]

STICK SEASON: WE'LL ALL BE HERE FOREVER.

taken from the 2023 album by noah kahan. trigger warnings for mental illness, trauma, medication, references to suicide, and the exquisite agony of life in rural new england. feel free to change wording and pronouns and provide context as necessary. do not add to this list.

northern attitude.

how you been? 

you settled down?

you feelin’ right? 

you feelin’ proud?

you settle in to routine.

what does it mean? 

i’m not how you hoped.

you’re gettin’ lost.

scared to live, scared to die. 

you’re feelin’ lost.

stick season.

you must’ve had yourself a change of heart.

now i am stuck between my anger and the blame that i can’t face.

it’s half my fault, but i just like to play the victim. 

i’ll dream each night of some version of you that i might not have but i did not lose. 

i thought that if i piled something good on all my bad i could cancel out the darkness i inherited from dad. 

i miss the way you laugh.

you once called me forever now you still can’t call me back.

that’ll have to do.

my other half was you.

i hope this pain’s just passin’ through, but i doubt it. 

all my love.

how have things been?

well, love, now that you mention it.

i’m sayin’ too much, but you know how it gets out here.

now i know your name, but not who you are.

it’s all okay, there ain’t a drop of bad blood.

you got all my love.

if you need me, dear, i’m the same as i was.

what i’d give to have you out of me.

i still recall how the leather in your car feels.

and at the end of it all, i just hope that your scars heal.

i swear i was scared to death.

i smiled stupid the whole way home.

you said, ‘i’ll never let you go.’

she calls me back.

there was heaven in your eyes. 

everything’s alright.

look at me and don’t you lie.

don’t you hold your head up high.

for bullshit, i do not have time.

do you lie awake restless?

why am i so obsessive?

this town’s the same as you left it.

the radio is taunting me.

i don’t get much sleep most nights.

i’m seeing you in every dream.

if only i could fall asleep. 

i’ll love you when the oceans dry. 

i was too afraid of living life in your footsteps.

come over.

it was there when we got here, will be there when we leave.

you won’t have to guess who they’re speakin’ about.

i’m in the process of clearin’ out cobwebs. 

i was takin’ the wrong meds; feels good to be sad.

my house is just barely big enough for my family.

my mouth was designed for my foot to fit in it.

i promise you, darlin’.

you won’t ever go back.

i know that it ain’t much.

i know that it ain’t cool.

you don’t have to tell the other kids at school.

someday i’m gonna be somebody people want.

new perspective.

makin’ me nostalgic.

we were kids; but that don’t make this less hard.

if i could fly i doubt i’d even do it. 

i’d probably get high and crash or somethin’ stupid.

gave me your word.

i can’t pronounce it.

no thing so sure that i can’t learn to doubt it.

everywhere, everything.

would we survive in a horror movie?

we trust everyone we meet.

we’re littered with scars from our preteens.

i wanna love you ‘til we’re food for the worms to eat.

‘til our fingers decompose, keep my hand in yours. 

i know every route in this county.

maybe that ain’t such a bad thing.

i’ll tell you where not to speed.

it’s been a long year.

orange juice.

honey, come over.

it’s yours if you want it.

we’re just glad you could visit. 

feels like i’ve been ready for you to come home for so long.

i didn’t think to ask you where you’d gone. 

why’d you go?

my heart has changed and my soul has changed.

you just asked me to hold you.

it made you a stranger and it filled you with anger.

my life has changed.

the world has changed.

don’t you find it strange that you just went ahead and carried on?

are we all just pullin’ you down?

strawberry wine.

darling, speak to me.

don’t you say a word.

you thought you were cursed?

i’m in love with every song you’ve ever heard.

if i could lose you, i would.

all the time we used to have.

the things i miss but know are never coming back. 

no thing defines a man like love that makes him soft.

growing sideways.

finally found some middle ground.

i said, ‘i’m cured.’

i divvied up my anger into thirty separate parts.

i’m still angry at my parents for what their parents did to them.

it’s a start.

but i ignore things and i move sideways ‘til i forget what i felt in the first place.

i know there are worse ways to stay alive.

everyone’s growing and everyone’s healthy.

if my engine works perfect on empty, i guess i’ll drive. 

i forgot my medication, fell into a manic high.

now i’m sufferin’ in style.

why is pain so damn impatient? ain’t like it’s got a place to be.

if all my time was wasted, i don’t mind. 

i’ll watch it go.

it’s better to die numb than feel it all.

halloween.

the dawn isn’t here, the sun hasn’t rose.

they got money to make and children back home.

i worry for you, you worry for me.

the bridges have long since been burnt. 

i’m leavin’ this town and i’m changin’ my address.

i know that you’ll come if you want.

i’m losin’ myself.

i’m seein’ my life on a screen.

i know that you fear that i’m wicked and weary.

i know that you’re fearin’ the end. 

i only tell the truth when i’m sure that i’m lyin’. 

homesick.

are you bored yet?

the weather ain’t been bad if you’re into masochistic bullshit.

this place is such great motivation for anyone tryna move the fuck away from hibernation. 

time moves so damn slow i swear i feel my organs failing.

i stopped caring ‘bout a month ago, since then it’s been smooth sailing. 

i would leave if only i could find a reason. 

i got dreams, but i cant make myself believe them. 

i’ll spend the rest of my life with what could have been. 

i will die in the house that i grew up in.

i’m homesick. 

still.

i don’t wanna say goodbye.

it only falls into place when you’re fallin’ to pieces.

you miss something that you can’t place but you can’t deny it. 

you can’t stay here.

it’s hard to face and it feels too ugly.

it’s like i’m still here with you. 

can i fix what is broken?

the view between villages (extended). 

for a minute, the world seems so simple.

i am not scared of death.

i’ve got dreams again.

there is meanin’ on earth. 

i feel so far from it.

it’s all washin’ over me. 

i’m angry again. 

the things that i lost here, the people i knew.

they got me surrounded for a mile or two. 

i found a town big enough for anything i want.

i’m not a city girl, by any means.

it still has a lot of meaning to me.

i grew up there. 

your needs, my needs.

you ain’t gotta tell me what it means.

i promise to be there this time. alright? 

you were a work of art.

that’s the hardest part.

i’m naming the stars in the sky after you.

dial drunk.

i promised to forget you.

i ain’t takin’ any fault.

am i half the man i used to be? i doubt it.

forget about it, whatever.

it’s all the same anyways.

i ain’t proud of all the punches that i’ve thrown. 

for the shame of being young, drunk, and alone.

i gave your name as my emergency phone call.

i’d die for you.

from charmin’ to alarmin’ in seconds.

i’ll let the pain metastasize.

i beg you, sir, just let me call.

let’s wait, i swear she’ll call me back.

son, are you a danger to yourself?

fuck that, sir.

son, why do you do this to yourself?

paul revere.

this place had a heartbeat in its day.

nothin’ was the same.

it just ain’t that simple, it never was.

one day i’m gonna cut it clear.

i’m not from around here.

i’ll leave before the road crew’s out. 

i’ll turn up the music and i’ll forget.

i’m not ready to let go yet.

i’ll just pretend i didn’t hear.

it’s typical, i fear.

folks just disappear.

if i could leave, i would’ve already left.

no complaints.

i thought i had something and that’s the same as having something.

i get mad at nothing.

i pull no punches, then feel bad for months.

thought i was raised better, tried to fake better.

now the weight of the world ain’t so bad.

i saw the end, it looks just like the middle.

i filled the hole in my head with prescription medication.

who am i to complain?

now the pain’s different. It still exists, it just escapes different.

yes, i’m young and living dreams.

i’m in love with being noticed and afraid of being seen.

call your mom.

oh, you’re spiralin’ again.

don’t you cancel any plans.

stayed on the line with you the entire night ‘til you let it out and let it in.

don’t let this darkness fool you.

i’ll drive all night.

i’ll call your mom.

oh, dear, don’t be discouraged.

i’ve been exactly where you are.

if you could see yourself like this.

you’dve never tried it.

stayed on the line with you the entire night ‘til you told me that you had to go.

throw a punch, fall in love, give yourself a reason.

don’t wanna drive another mile wonderin’ if you’re breathin’.

won’t you stay with me?

you’re gonna go far. 

this is good land, or at least it was.

it takes a strong hand and a sound mind.

it makes me smile to know when things get hard, you’ll be far from here.

pack up your car.

put a hand to your heart.

say whatever you feel.

be wherever you are.

we ain’t angry at you, love. 

you’re the greatest thing we’ve lost.

the birds will still sing.

we’ll be waiting for you, love.

we’ll all be here forever.

we spent so long just getting by.

that’s the thing about survival; who the hell likes livin’ just to die?

you told me you would make a difference.

it won’t be by your own volition if you step foot outside this town.

it’s all we’ve had for always.

you’re gonna go far.

if you wanna go far, then you gotta go far.

forever.

let’s drive for no reason.

you look fine in the evening.

honey, it’s starting to storm.

used to wish i meant anything to anywhere, to anyone.

i’m glad i get forever to see where you end.

i won’t be alone for the rest of my life.

i’ll meet a girl in the heat of july.

i’ll tell her so she knows.

i’m broke, but i’m real rich in my head.

when i hold her close, i might loosen my grip, but i won’t ever let her go.

[miodiodavinci]

anyway as for the long and short of how i'm doing currently (mostly the long)

so two weeks ago i sprained my wrist at work lifting boxes, and it's been a slow recovery even with the help of a brace, stretches, rice buddies, and ice packs. i've had to basically put a lot of my hobbies on hold because i've been saving what little i can do with my wrist for all the job prep i need to do on the weekends (i.e. making flyers, updating spreadsheets, creating presentations, moving more boxes, etc...)

hobbies are even further on hold at this point because this last week i injured my shoulder as well, and i can feel that my ankle is getting ready to go with it. i'm doing what i can to minimize the damage (i.e. got a work cart, have had coworkers come with me to storage, actually sitting down and resting when i'm on break, etc...) but there's not a lot that can be done considering these are Core Aspects of my job and my contract goes until spring (and also like. whole complex situation where i can't leave without screwing over myself and a lot of people i care about)

it's a shit situation all around, but at the very least i'm getting paid a reasonable amount and it's covering my expenses jfgjksdhkfg

(though for all the work i do, god oh god i wish it was doing more than just covering my expenses)

having to take a break from my hobbies has put me in a weird headspace, though. or like it's less of a weird headspace and more that there's finally this pause that has me reevaluating what i want to do in my spare time

i've been consumed by work for the past like four years of my life, this last year was kind of the culmination of that. between completing my internship, finishing my degree, surviving The Horror (read: had a really, truly horrifying cancer scare last year), doing the yamaha collab, and taking care of the flurry of job-hunting stuff that needed to be done post-graduation, i don't know if i actually got a chance to so much as breathe until august

. . . . except in august i immediately collapsed and rotted the entire month away skjdfhgkhsdf

i'm burnt out, i think. like. genuinely, really severely burnt out. the more i think about it, the more i feel like i just need a year of doing nothing.

just. absolutely nothing.

which i've told myself in the past. several times. always in a big showy way. so much so that i feel silly saying it now because i've been saying it for years in the descriptions of my videos and in posts on my blog.

"i'm tired of being beholden to past me!! this year, i'm letting go of my expectations for myself and just doing what i want!!" (<< this user has said this at least 7 separate times and has failed to make good on it every single time)

but i think why i've never been able to follow through is because in spite of all the dropping projects that no longer interested me and not feeling obligated to see everything through, i still held on to the expectation that at the end of it, i'd still post something. but like.

i think posting doesn't really matter to me as much anymore??? if at all???

which isn't to say "i'm putting my foot down and never creating any new vocaloid work ever again," but it's also like. i can't let myself sit with the expectation of "yeah i'll just make things for fun!! and when they're done, i'll post them!!' because that changes the focus from making something for me into making something for others to see, which is. a different beast to care for skdjfgklhsdlfg

i keep seeing a lot of things where i have the opportunity to keep building on what rice and i were able to make as part of the yamaha collab: alternate box arts, matching galaco design, cool new english covers featuring bespoke cover art of the new designs but when i think of starting those, i feel utterly drained, and when i think of how i'll feel once they're finished, i imagine it'll be akin to "alright, i've checked that off the list. what's the next thing i should do not disappear and be a failure?"

. . . . . which is really, really separate from doing things as a hobby because they make me happy OTL

this past year i've really reconnected with my close friends (in part because i stopped having time to scroll online and didn't want anyone to know when i was online because i legitimately did not have the energy to respond) and i've noticed i really truly enjoy just batting around our ocs with each other so more than i've enjoyed any of the vocaloid work that i've put out in the past five years skjfghldkfg

i've been doing vocaloid things for over ten years now, and the collaboration with yamaha was quite literally something i couldn't have even dreamed of, much less imagined it would have just fallen into my lap the way it did. coming off the end of it and my internship though, there's this feeling that's been building for years now where it feels like the effort i put in is just not proportional to the satisfaction i get out of it. it feels more like something i'm supposed to do otherwise i'd just be squandering all the work i've put in and all the attention i've gotten.

. . . . . . i just want to live man 😂 i'm caught in a mental tangle that feels difficult to unravel. spring mio was at the end of his fucking rope, but fall mio is finally has the time to sit down with the slack and is wondering if it's worth it to keep pulling for all i'm worth when i can always just go over to my friend's house and have a funny little sleep over (metaphorical or literal both apply)

i'm not decided by any means but i'm definitely thinking about it.

it's the fact that it's been 2 years since i've released salvador, and i went into it thinking i'd be cool and professional about it, with lots of covers and frequent updates because i used to make lots of UTAU covers in high school, but then i got paralyzed by all the "shoulds" wrapped up in the process and i just. stopped working.

when i say i want to make X cover of Y song, am i really saying that i want to go out of my way to do all these things?? or am i just imagining what momentary satisfaction i'll feel to see another thumbnail on my channel??

...

(face in hands) this ended up being. a lot fucking longer than i meant for it to be jksdfhlkghsdkfg

hopefully most people have clicked away by this point w

it's the tear between the things i genuinely want (making things with friends that stay between us friends) the things i kind of want out of necessity (opening up commissions so i can supplement my income), the things i said i'd do and can't back out now on, and the things i told myself i would do but can't really must up plenty of positive emotions about (but can feel plenty of frightful, guilty emotions when i think of not doing them)

i'll figure it out eventually. even in the worst case scenario, i plan to keep my accounts up as archives, so it's not like my work will go anywhere w i'd still want it to be there once i decide i'm ready to come back to it w

[my-destiny-my-chicken]

out of curiosity: reblog this and tag with how many years you’ve been in the merlin fandom

[zomboyfren]

Headcanons things I've noticed from observing her very closely

[mwagneto]

people seeing gifs of the 15th doctor having gay little moments and going "ohh what's this show? i gotta watch it" is literally ending me not just coz of the concept that anyone can be unaware of doctor who but also bc like. while i do think it's a show ppl should watch in its entirety. DON'T DO IT FOR GAY REP LMAO. like it literally does have a lot of lgbt rep even all the way back in season 1 of 2005 fame but watching 13 seasons of doctor who coz something gay happens in the new eps is like. idk finding out there's a new pride and prejudice adaptation with a gay character in it and going ohhhh that sounds fun:) guess i'll go watch every adaptation ever made

[missmungoe]

If you have a moment, you should go check out TricksterMelon on Twitter :) I hope you like it <3

I am speechless

[witchof10klakes]

As much as I love hanging out with my girlfriend in vc, it does have one fatal downside. When she goes to bed, she tells me she loves me before we disconnect, and of course I tell her that I love her too, but then I cannot keep shouting about how much I love her for the several hours afterwards that I spend with that consuming my every thought

[boxwinebaddie]

this selena cover is the cd song ever of all time jysk :*

[retributory]

when you think about it clive and flora are actually perfect narrative foils on complete accident. like what's up with that. professor layton and the completely imagined literary devices

[taylorsabrina]

GOT THE BEST UNEXPECTED SURPRISE IN THE MAIL TODAY. 😍😍😍😍😍😍

[lurkofyourlife]

Pssss pssss pssss talk about your ocs? Pssss pssss pssss

-peachesandgore 🍑

WELL.

SINCE YOU ASKED SO NICELY.

@peaches-and-gore

(i'll be honest, so many of my ocs are from fics or rp and i don't want to drag my friends that aren't aware of my brand spankin new nsfw blog into this without their permission, so it's all gonna be under a readmore and i'll try to be vague about friends' characters lol)

OK SO ANYWAY. My main girl i keep thinking about, thanks to this blog, is my dbd final girl oc Sam, because she's just *chefs kiss* my favorite sad girl/mad girl, i stick her in so many aus, i give her so much trauma, ugh i love her!

(i can't draw, but have gotten commissions and picrews, so have a few of those)

(TW SUICIDE, ASSAULT, SELF HARM, below the pics)

She's a suicidal depresso teen all grown up (ranging in age depending on the au, from 18 to 24, but primary dbd verse she's just shy of 21). In universes without supernatural shit, she's attempted suicide a few times and never fully succeeded (but has tattoos to commemorate her attempts, including dates). In universes WITH supernatural shit, there's maybe a *reason* she can't die (she started as a character made for a rp where she was supposed to be the embodiment of the mythical phoenix).

In the Dead By Daylight universe, she got to the Fog by killing herself (her choker covers a scar across her throat, and she usually wears long sleeves or sweatbands to cover scars up her wrists), and one of her abilities is literally rebirth on bleeding out. Basically, I wanted a character who wants to die but isn't being allowed the peace of death. It's all about resilience, baby, it's all about catharsis and the purging of emotion through anger and pain and sex ok sometimes also sex.

Her main fic she's paired with Legion (Frank) and it's literally the source of my unfortunate puppy kink (he calls her puppy to be an asshole; she hates it; I love that for her). I got to write the intimacy of murder and I fuckin loved it. And then I made a rp blog, and she got to have soooo many other fun interactions and flirtations and fucked up ships (it's not snuff if they come back, okay, it's just a little murder in a universe with impermanent death), including an EXTENDED RELATIONSHIP ARC of hundreds of pages with a friend's ghostface muse [henceforth murder bf]— and then we did a ton of aus with those muses, including a college au before she became quite so jaded (so pre-institutionalization), and a couple different 'yoinked and chained up in a basement' aus that i adore, and a purge au where murder bf stages someone to come assault her so he can look like a hero for killing the guy and then offer her a place in his bunker for the night, and—

MY FAVORITE au, that I swear I'll turn into a novel some day, where they're both shapeshifters and we created an entire societal thing where shifters make up like some fraction of a percent of the population and there's a lot of fucked up oppression and societal discrimination and Sam is basically the most complicit-in-her-own-oppression self-hating werefox, who ran away after biting a guy who was harassing her, and ends up going lowkey feral and collapsing and needing to get nursed back to health by murder bf who's a human-hating lone wolf (literally) with anarchist/terrorist aims when it comes to humans, and the goal is for them to temper each other a bit (tho still end up more toward his side of center tbh)—

Okay look. I could talk about all of the shit I've put Sammy through. I love her. She's my baby, I want to see her suffer, I want to see her put through so much pain only to come out the other side, I just love her so much. And I probably love her too much to make sense about her, tbh. 😅 I will happily send links to the dbd fic (unfinished, whoops, I'm bad at finishing things) in DMs if anyone is interested, but don't really want to link it now cause I'm trying to keep accounts separate for the time being lol. It does include a knifeplay scene that becomes an assisted suicide, in a weirdly feelsy manner. I made these memes for it.

But as someone who is incredibly proud of my own writing, I'm just gonna... just gonna drop an excerpt from a fave scene... [proceeds to copy two full pages of text and realize that may be too long] fuck it, screenshots (for context: murder bf had her stab through her hand - he helped her by putting her on his lap and helping hold the knife - and the pain broke through her usual stony exterior to hit that agony inside):

I mean that's just one. I also have some fun stuff where she's pissed off 'Spiteful Sam' and is just a ball of fucking fury, a self destructive mess that is willing to hurt herself just to hurt others. Oh, here's a good example of her getting angry! For context: months later, once murder bf and Sam are officially a thing, she's even living with him in the Fog and everything, a friend and I arranged for her to get kidnapped by a rival ghostface killer, tortured to taunt her ghostface bf, and the rival ended up gouging out her eyes and collaring her before killing her so when she respawned she hadn't gotten the eyes back and is still locked in a collar. So yeah, she's stuck eyeless and frustrated because she wants to fight with her bf to kill some of that anger, and he was being too nice.

OKAY. OKAY.

NO MORE SAM.

(for now)

OTHER OCS!

I've been writing a supernatural action/drama/romance where I have a vamp boy oc who got exiled by his coven and they filed his fangs down, but pre-exile he was basically treated as an attack dog, mostly fighting and fucking as rewards or punishments based on what his Sire wanted him to do. His name is Cain, he's a former addict (drugs, then vampire venom while he was basically a lackey/whore to get a fix of the intense high and aphrodisiac effect of vampiric venom), now trying desperately to be reformed, laden with so much guilt, and a pathetic excuse for a vampire who has to cut to feed with no fangs. I'm still getting comms of him, but my fave is this fan art by my friend of pre-exile Cain (back before he, how did a former coworker of his describe it? oh yeah "one day decided… what? To grow a conscience? That he was tired of raping and killing and being used like a pet?") (i love a dog motif, i really do).

Anyway, Cain's main universe he's got a complex relationship with a monster hunter (the former quote is from what we dubbed the 'mid-season finale' when she found out he was a vampire and SHOT HIM). But he also has an au where he found another lone (non-coven) vamp and they're slutty switches together and do some fun play with intox (his venom works on his partner by spitting it in his mouth) and telepathy (his partner can project images and feelings into his head). I love him as well, and have appx 600 pages of rp with him lmao.

I also have various OCs I've made for fic, like my Arcane OC Ivy, and then I have THESE FUCKERS I've been meaning to make a whole story about, Santana and Ridley, my cyberpunk crime girlfriends

Santana is a crimelord's daughter (and future crime boss herself, when she eventually breaks out from under her dad's thumb), and Ridley is her bodyguard/girlfriend trained from childhood to be a companion and do everything in her power to keep Santana safe, but she ended up falling REAL FUCKIN HARD for her charge. They have a whole planned story involving attempts on Santana's life, Ridley kicking ass, and Santana becoming part of an experimental program to log her consciousness, and when she eventually does get merc'd (spoilers? i mean it's not even written yet, this is just a plan), Ridley uploads Santana's incomplete AI into her head a la Johnny Silverhand and it's heartbreaking because it's her but it also ISN'T, and it's just overall a tragedy...

Okay I should stop lmao. I could talk for hours about this. I spent probably an hour writing this 😅

[eeveekitti]

pspspsp. can you pitch the basic plot of entropy: zero to me in the way you would if you were trying to convince someone to play it

anon do you know what youve done /silly

[here's just the game descriptions for those who don't want to see 200+ words about a half life mod]

do YOU like half-life 2?? and optionally the HL1 expansion opposing force?? have YOU ever wondered what it's like to play as the combine?? well that's the entire pitch of this free-to-play HL2 [EP2 apparently, didn't know that] mod!

in entropy : zero, you play a combine metrocop, stranded in the unheard of city 10 almost a year before the events of HL2. your job? surviving the harsh cold, and taking down an entire rebel base!

fighting your way through the rebel outposts and working your way into becoming more and more of a threat is the fun of the first installment in the entropy series.

entropy : zero 2 is a much more character-driven game, and what attracts most people to the series, following a much more talkative and very interesting iteration of our protagonist.

this time, you pick up the story after the events of HL2, hunting down well-known resistance member judith mossman in the north. there's actually so little i can say on entropy 2, so much of it is character-focused, but i promise you it's super super good!!!

and a personal funfact: ez2 is my favorite game ever as of current [even above rain world!! and i'm a rain world blog!!] and has my favorite character ever in it!

so i highly encourage everyone who owns hl2 play these mods please please please [<- desperate for a tumblr fandom to exist] and if it sweetens the deal for you-- i'm like 90% sure they're making a third installment!!

[kuromi-hoemie]

every time i hang out I'm like wow thank you i had so much fun, but i say it every time, but i also mean it every time. i love you