#so im fine doing 2 full ones when i usually never replay games

[zaptap]

just occurred to me i should go back and finish miitopia while i can still search for miis online. it'll be less convenient to add them into my game in a few months

[thisfoolwrites]

My Altair

Thanks to all the notes on the sneak peak! Heres part one. I think its gonna be abou 3-4 parts long but I’m not sure yet. Thanks so much for all the likes again. 

Warnings: Underage drinking.

Genre: Angst to Fluff

Part 1 Part 2

The music was loud, so loud that {Y/N} couldn't even hear her own thoughts. Well almost. The alcohol helped a bit. She could replay the scene in her head. Moving off the dance floor to grab another cup of whatever alcohol was there. She had long stopped tasting it. Her phone went off for what felt like the hundredth time that night. Glancing at it she the caller id. Kuroo<3. Oh how that heart mocked her. She had been so stupid to think that after so many years of knowing each other she would have won his heart. She should have known that she would always just be Kenma’s older sister to him. Even worse, all she would have was the title of Kuroo’s best friend. Ignoring the call and placing her phone back into her pocket she made her way back out to the dance floor.

She wasn't even sure whose party this was. All she knew is she heard some students talking about it while she was hiding behind the building at lunch. She didn't want to spend lunch with Kuroo and his new girlfriend. Akemi was nice, she couldn't hate the girl even though she wanted to. She didn't know that {Y/N} was in love with Kuroo. Hell, the only ones who knew were Yaku and Kenma. After dancing with random people for who knows how long her phone went off again. The vibrating was really starting to get on her nerves. She silenced it without even looking. She supposed that she should have told Kenma what she was doing, but she had been blinded by hurt. She knew they were worried about her, but right now she didn't have the heart to care. Alcohol was a good numbing agent. She was broken out of her thoughts by a hand grabbing her arm. Looking up he eyes widened at who it was. {blue} eyes locked with concerned gold orbs. He tried to talk but the music was too loud for her to hear, and with a sigh he gently pulled her out of the party.

Outside where the music was still audible, but manageable, she finally got a good look at her “savior.” She frowned at him and made a move to go back inside. She was once again blocked. She should have known getting around Bokuto was impossible.

“Kuroo called, he-” Bokuto began before being interrupted by the {H/C} girl.

“I don't care about Kuroo right now.” She huffed.  “He shouldn't be worried about anyone other than Akami.” Not even noticing how slurred her speech was, or the fact that she was swaying because of all the alcohol, she attempted to take another drink. The ace grabbed it and poured it out. He could see the remains of tears on her cheeks. He knew how she had been hurt buy Kuroo, that was much was obvious. He gently grabbed her hand and led her away from the party. {hana} had no more fight left in her. All she could focus on now was the broad back of her friend.

“Why are you being nice to me? Shouldn't you be on his side?” she slurred. He sighed before replying.

“Can't pick a side if I don't know what happened Kozume.” Her eyes widened. He never called her by her last name. “All we care about right now if the fact that you are ok. Kuroo said you didn't show up to practice at all the last week, and then Kenma tells him you wern't even home tonight. Not to mention the fact that you didnt even answer your phone.” He stopped walking and turned to face her. “I'm not sure what happened to the two of you, but Kenma said you hadn't spoken to Kuroo in almost two weeks. We care about you {Y/N}, you have to talk to us.”

She finally looked up and him and saw the sincerity in his eyes. She gulped and turned away. “Can we go look at the stars? Kuroo never would with me. He said it was a waste of time when he could be practicing. Kenma would always play games or volleyball. All I want is to look at the stars with somebody, but I was never a first priority to the main people in my life. “ She finished with tears in her eyes. Looking back at Bokuto, she realized she couldn't hold back the tears anymore. “I gave up so much for them! I stopped skating because it interfered with their volleyball games. I became the team manager when I didn't even want to! I go to every game and every training camp because it means so much to him. I even stay after practice to help Kuroo with whatever he wants to improve! But-but.” She couldn't even finish her thoughts, next thing she knew she was pressed up against Bokuto’s chest.

“Its not stupid. Lets get some food and water in you and we will go look at the stars. Just let me call Kenma and let him know you're safe ok?|” He could feel her calm own and nod before pulling out his phone. It rang once before Kenma answered, frantic.

“Is she ok?” he asked.

“Shes physically fine, but shes drunk. Im gonna try to sober her up before bringing her back home.” He could hear Kenma let out a sigh of relief.

“Thank God. Thank you for finding her. I'll let Kuroo know and he can come help you get her home.” {Y/N} had heard Kuroos name and let out a muffled no. This did not go unnoticed by Kenma. “What does she mean no?”

“Not one hundred percent sure what he did, but Kuroo's the reason she took off.”

“Alright, well, make sure shes safe when she gets home ok?”

“I promise I'll get her home in one piece.”

It had been about an hour since Bokuto had grabbed {Y/N} from the party. After her breakdown she hadn't said anything else. She had already drank a full bottle of water and was halfway through the second. They stopped at a park that had a good view of the sky.  Bokuto noticed how at ease she looked wile gazing up.  He couldn't help but admire her, like he had done many times before. He frowned a bit noticing that her eyes didn't have their usual brightness in them.

“I wish that there wasn't so much glare from the lights of the city. You can barely see the stars. Its such a shame too, Most of the time you have to go to a planetarium to see them.” She began to ramble. “You can't even see Vega from here.”

“You ready to talk about it?” The owl man inquired. He almost regretted asking watching her deflate. “I just wanna know what happened. You and Kuroo had been close for years. For you to not talk to him is concerning.” She glanced at Bokuto before looking back to the sky.

“I wasn't supposed to hear it. He said it to Akemi, and neither of them knew I was there. They were arguing about me being close to Kuroo, and she figured out that I had liked Kuroo for a while. Girls just know, its like a sixth sense kinda thing.” She saw Bokuto nod out of her peripheral vision and took that as he cue to keep going. “'I could never like someone like {Y/N}. She’s too much like a sister to me.' That's what he said as if he wasn't my first kiss, as if everything we did during the summer of second year meant nothing. I was his dirty little secret. He didn't want to tell anyone because he was scared people would look at him different.” She huffed, tears starting to pool in her eyes once again.

A gust of wind blew at the moment and she shivered. She had regretted only wearing a long sleeve shirt to the party. Granted the alcohol had started to leave her body at this point. Her internal warmth had long left. She sighed and hugged herself tighter before a cloth was draped over her. She saw the white sleeved and knew that he had given her his track jacket. She turned to the owlish man with wide eyes. “Won't you get cold Bo?” She mumbled while putting her hands through the sleeves.

“Its a short walk to your house. I'll be fine. Lets just get you home and in bed.” He muttered taking the zipper and pulling it up all the way. Gold eyes met {E/C} and he knew that the anger he felt towards Kuroo could wait. He gently grabbed her hand and escorted her back home. Once they had reached the door to her house she tried to give the jacket back, but he shook his head. “Give it back the next time I see you.”

For the first time that night she smiled. “Get home safe Bo.” she whispered to him before entering the house. For so many months she had convinced herself that Kuroo the Altair to her Vega, but after his actions the past week she knew. He could never fill that roll. Still a little tipsy and having the courage to do so, she texted the white hair knight.

Me: Lets go stargazing again when I'm not about to die from alcohol poisoning sometime, ok?

[dropoutparty]

ngc ramblings part 3- chapter 5

here we are at part 3!!! sorry this one took so long, i originally was gonna make this post include entropy and extus (along with finally talking about face in depth) but it was so fuckin long that im splitting it into 2 different posts! the next part isnt done yet but im like almost halfway done so it shouldnt be too much longer until its out! also before we get into this one:

tw for: death, animal death, and suicide. pls take care of urself and don't read this if those things are triggering for u <3

ok lets get on with the post

at the start of entropy zach doesnt waste any time getting right to the point. this place is bigger than the other planets so far, and zach says the music this time around is a melody that “started out normal but then got distorted” played by a violin sounding instrument. even tho i do sometimes forget that this is supposed to be a creepypasta im not surprised that he said it made him feel depressed and unnerved lmao. anyways, this planet has all new level types in it!! no reused ones!! ok now this is epic. the bosses this time around are megalon, battra, and mechagodzilla, but itll be a good while before we get to those guys because this chapter is long as hell holy shit?? buckle up babez <33 now, before i get into the meat of things as usual im gonna talk abt the planet name! entropy basically means “a lack of order/predictability or a gradual decline into disorder” and that's very accurate to this part of the story. at this point, red is pissed off and is getting desperate, which means from here on out things are going to be getting more intense and more unstable. this world is the turning point in the overall story, basically.

now with that out of the way, zach first goes to the worlds quiz level as usual! this time something was different. usually, in the quiz levels there would be goofy ass music playin in the bg (specifically the GH1D0RA cheat music, if you wanna like listen to it ig?) but from here on out its been replaced by the music from the games password screen, which zach called creepy earlier on in the pasta. im gonna glaze over the quiz again this time, but when we get to the next planet ill talk about all of the quizzes in depth all at once. basically all you need to know for now abt what happens here is face asks “do you like mothra?” and when zach picks no (after going on a tangent abt how mothra sucks lmao,, bro i swear im good at the game my controllers just messed up /s), face enters bastard mode and goes “TOO BAD!” and boom now zach cant play as anyone but mothra. zach is pissed for now but little does he know this is just going to become an even more epic gamer bc of this,, youll never get better at something if you never try and all that.

after that, zach moves on to the first level type- the forest. immediately zach gets an eerie feeling from this level bc he has some kinda fear involving forests at night (i can think of a reason why but ill have to talk abt that later just to be sure). hes also not feelin great about being forced to play as mothra, so the pressure of it all is def starting to get to him by now. the music in the forest is woodwinds followed by slow, rhythmic drums and chiming bells. must have been some ominous woodwinds and bells bc it made him feel like he was intruding somewhere he shouldnt be (oh rlly?? u dont say,, everything up until now has been fine /s). getting into the level itself, eventually zach comes across some weird deer-like monsters just vibing and scares them away when he gets close. later in the level he finds more of these weird deer along with a sloth-like creature on some of the trees and some raptor dudes killing some of the deer. zach shoots one of the raptors but thats about it. nothing really happened in this level but zach noted that he didnt feel like he was playing a video game, but instead it felt more like he was exploring a forest in another dimension. thats interesting for reasons ill ~get to later~ (yall must be so tired of hearing that by now omg,, i know im tired of saying it at least. i was gonna wait until after replay to talk about things but i severely underestimated how long this whole project would be, so i might make a post for the “more on that later” stuff before i get into replay. let me know what u think i should do).

anyways, the next thing zach checks out is the first tv screen level so far. these levels just play an animation with some music in the background, and theres a different animation per level. this time around the animation is of a kid with a beaver(?) head licking a lollipop and the music is the GH1D0RA music that the quiz levels used to use. the only thing of note here is that zach says he had a shirt that looked just like that when he was a kid. after that, were off to some of the weirdest fuckin levels in this whole thing imo- the hourglass levels. these levels have an entirely brown color palette, with grandfather clocks standing in the background (the level appears to be in like a hallway or something) and various time measuring things floating in the air. the music is the same as the board (ig cosby just didnt feel like thinking of what theme this place would have lol). after a little bit zach was rlly happy to see actual enemies from the normal game show up! these are basically like aircraft, tanks, etc. thats not the main attraction here tho, bc this level has its own unique mechanic! this mechanic is the colored hourglass items you can pick up. there are three of them, a blue one that slows time down and makes enemies from the past appear, a red one that speeds up time and makes enemies from the future appear, and a green one that made the time flow normally and spawned enemies from the normal game. zach found the blue one first, which caused a bunch of prehistoric enemies based on real animals to show up. after that he found a green one and fought normal enemies again, and then he found a red hourglass. the future enemies here look like aliens to me, and zach says that one enemy reminds him of something he saw in a book once. eventually, a special future creature showed up and zach was suddenly in a boss battle! or a mini boss battle? that description is probably more accurate. this guy doesnt have a face, and he can only attack by shooting a beam from his face, it sure does look cool! after zach beat it tho, he was off to the next level type, which is basically a toxic waste dump.

zach called it grungy and inhospitable, with the music being a synth ambient loop that made him feel dizzy while he listened to it. this is important because this is the first instance of the game making zach feel something *physically*, not just psychologically. all of the enemies here are mutated to some degree, with him first seeing green mummies with bird skulls coming out from vats of toxic slutch and a brownish cow skeleton monster with spider legs. later zach comes across a deer from the woods, drinking some toxic slutch (delinchous). zach got close to it to try making it stopped but suddenly some enemies came out of nowhere and scared it into running right off a ledge and into the slutch. rip :pensive:. after that zach found more mutated enemies (i.e some things with tentacles and some other deformed thing with human teeth) before he finally gets to the end of the level, where theres another miniboss waiting for him!! this ones a toxic sludge monster with a whale skull who attacks with a mouth projectile and by charging into you. the monster sank into the slutch and thats all for this level babeyy!

the next level is another forest, but this time its winter! its still at night, but this time zach doesnt feel off put, which he mostly attributes to the music. he describes it as a gentle, calm song that almost sounded romantic. the entire first segment of this level had no enemies in it, but dw this level is interesting i swear. the next segment starts out just as empty as the last one, but this time its silent. that is, until the music from “unforgiving cold” starts playing. yaa you remember that place!! i think i said it was less interesting than i remembered but its interesting again now bc it was foreshadowing these levels!! anyways soon after the music started up, zach started to come across tons of frozen bodies of the deer from earlier. some were mutilated, some werent, but they were all frozen and covered in snow. eventually zach does come across something living though, a sloth creature from earlier! its just vibing when suddenly the winter versions of the raptors from earlier rush in and fuckin obliterate the sloth thing. those things just blindly try killing everything in sight, and even start fighting themselves before zach finally gets to the last part of the level.

now this is where shit starts to get crayzay. this part opens up to a big empty field with a full moon and the nice music from earlier back. despite the nice music tho, zach immediately starts feeling dread and eventually he finds a lake. the lake comes down from the sky and starts to crack like an egg, a humanoid figure curled up in the fetus position dropping into the lake below and the moon halves disintegrated. this spawned the moon beast, the hardest challenge zachs had to deal with so far. after he finally defeats it, the screen goes to black and the name “melissa” is on screen, written in red. after that, the screen then says kys. the word kill then fills up the screen, layering over itself until it forms a picture of reds face. its now that we finally get to hear abt the whole melissa thing (which makes it sound like shes been mentioned in the pasta before this but thats not what i mean lmao). to summarize, zach had a middle school gf named melissa (also bro middle school?? wadda hell) who often went into “episodes” where she would stare off, expressionless, before trembling and putting her face in her hands. she and zach hung out in a field at night a lot but one night she just stared at the moon the whole time before running into traffic and dying.

NOW its finally later!!! were not done with entropy yet, but this is the end of part one of entropy so i wanna just take a little break to talk about things so far. this planet is FULL of symbolism and foreshadowing. to start off, i think a lot of the questions face asks at the beginning foreshadow things that happen. some examples are “is time slipping though your fingers?” which could allude to the time levels, “do you have any regrets?” which i think obviously foreshadows the whole melissa thing, “is it safe to go out at night?” and “do you find it hard to sleep at night?” both follow the same kinda theme, which i think relates to how the melissa incident happened at night, specifically out at night. i dont think the forest levels have anything too important in them, other than to introduce the presence of an innocent, harmless creature that doesnt deserve what happens to it later (aka the deer things) which might symbolize melissa. more evidence for this symbolizing melissa comes from the encounter with the deer in the toxic dump and the winter forest, where in the former zach tries to stop it from hurting itself but is too late, being forced to watch it die, and in the latter the same innocent thing from earlier is found dead close to where the real incident took place. the two big themes to keep in mind here are death and time, more specifically the past. most of the enemies here are either made from bones or kill other enemies, there's a dedicated time level referencing things that zach remembers seeing at one point (aka that one alien zach recognized), the beaver head had the same shirt as child zach did, it all connects to zachs past and the death of melissa. as for the moon beast, its the most obvious reference for reasons ive already explained. i dont really know what the moon cracking open and dropping a curled up human into the lake could mean other than some other thing melissa related, but i *do* think that the fact that the moon beast is the most difficult thing zach has faced so far is symbolic of the fact that the trauma from this event has followed him throughout his entire life, and its something he struggles with daily. it could even be the reason why he said no when face asked if he could sleep easily at night. the moon beast also has some black fur around its neck, which i think is meant to represent a tire track, referencing and/or mocking the way melissa died.

its so cool how this entire part of the story builds up to and foreshadows the bomb it drops at the end of the part, giving people something to look back on. a lot of ppl say that as soon as the melissa stuff gets introduced the story goes down in quality, and i do somewhat agree with that sentiment, especially if they want the story to actually be scary, but i think the direction the story goes from this point on is so unique and cool. it does follow the whole “theres a ghost in the game” troupe (even tho it was probably seen as a spin on that originally) but it doesnt do the same cliches as so many other gaming creepypastas do and it really takes the concept and makes it its own. i just think its neat,,,

anyways im done gushing abt this story, lets get on with part 2 of extus!! basically zach has a fuckin panic attack and, after taking a few minutes to calm himself down when its over, he decides that he has to finish the game now because if he doesnt its just going to haunt him for the rest of his life. zach has now realized that the game is “alive” and can somehow see his thoughts and memories, so understandably hes pretty freaked out by it at this point. when he keeps playing, the first thing he does is check out another tv screen level. this time, the animation is of a fish dude just kinda standing there with his mouth flapping open and closed and the music is the neptune board music from the original game. the only reason i can think of for why this is here is maybe the game is mocking zach for the panic attack he just had (bc when u have a panic attack you feel like you can barely breathe, if ur lucky enough to have never had one before and u dont know) but thats abt it. its probably just a random goofy thing cosby threw in there.

anyways, the next actual level is the first labyrinth level. this time around, its a gold labyrinth specifically. the music in these levels is a slow, ominous drum beat with female vocals occasionally coming in and (basically from here on out) the monster zach plays as is now half the size it used to be. i think this shows how zachs feeling at this point, like this whole thing isnt just being a big strong monster and beating up enemies any more, he feels small and scared and helpless in the face of something potentially dangerous that he doesnt understand maybe his confusion about the game is the reason *why* theres so many labyrinth levels here in the first place. anyways im getting ahead of myself. personally, i think the aesthetic of the gold labyrinth is very similar to the green temples back on trance. while trance had a more circular and soft theme to it's architecture and sculpture, entropys is much more square or rectangle oriented. despite this, i think that the golden mazes at least are another religious kind of building, and the architecture is just different because theyre two different cultures who just happen to worship the same spiritual figure (aka melissa. did i say that earlier? i think i did,, if i didnt well the religions worship melissa, not knowing she's a dead human or anything. probably).

moving on, zach notes how the gold labyrinth would probably have been impossible to navigate as any of the other monsters, so turns out face being an asshole was a blessing in disguise after all huh? anyways this place is full of weird gold monsters, lava/fire traps, and stone faces (both in more of an easter island head style and in the regular feminine headshot weve seen so far). zach comes across two feminine heads, one that is more adult looking and pure gold, and another one that looks much younger and whos eyes have red irises and blue scleras. this statue apparently looks a lot like melissa did on the night she died, so zach leaves it pretty quickly. i *think* this is the first time we see the color blue associated with melissa? if it isnt sorry abt that, its been a couple days since i worked on ngcr so ive forgotten some of the smaller or more subtle things by now. GOD i keep getting side tracked ANYWAYS eventually zach finds a non-gold enemy and sees it get picked up by like an arcade crane claw. hes curious so he follows the claw, only to see the monster be put in a big gold cauldron and walk out the side of it as a gold monster.

gonna be honest, no idea what the hell this could mean. like? theres been no themes of corruption or good things becoming evil so far so this just kinda. exists,, yea idk lol. im not part of like any discord servers or anything so all this theorizing and analysis has just been me, maybe getting some small ideas from like random youtube comments or something, so if something ive said so far has been unanimously disagreed with somewhere i dont know about it. thats also why this isnt really a definitive or comprehensive analysis (even tho im trying to be as comprehensive as i can).

anyways zach finds the exit soon after and hes on to the next level type (there's so fucking many of them ik dont worry weve almost gotten to all of them now), the indigo cliffs. the background of these levels is similar to the blue mountains from trance, but now the moon and clouds from the toxic dump background is also here (and colored indigo to match). the music here is just a deep rumbling noise. the first “enemies” he sees here are just a bunch of multicolored little guys coming out of a hole in the ground and jumping off a cliff. were continuing the death theme yall!! anyways zach continues, flying over some more weird creatures (tho some of them just look like dinosaurs lol) before he sees a bunch more of the multicolored guys out and about but this time theyre getting grabbed by birds!! wadda heel!!! zach comments on how the multicolored dudes seem eager to die and thinks maybe the moon has something to do with it (like melissa dude wat!!!! that's crazy /s). at the end of the level there were some more multicolored dudes just walking into a creatures mouth so zach attacked the thing and killed it and the levels over yay!

now its time for the bosses babeyy!!! first zach fights battra (basically an evil moth kaiju), the music is varans theme. battra starts off in his larvae form, where he basically just fought by running into you and shooting stuff at you. while fighting this form, zach noticed that the game buffed mothra because his gamer skillz were too cringe lmaoo. he beats the larvae form and battra goes into his second form, where hes basically a stronger clone of mothra (misogyny). zach fights battra and has fun doing it (for once,, good for him) and he wins yay! next hes fighting megalon (a big beetle/bug kaiju), whos music was gigans theme. im tired when im writing this so ill just give you zachs description of how he fought: “strong, persistent, but dumb”. after this, zach checks out the last tv screen of entropy. this time, it shows a big buff guy with a sack over his head hit a womans head with a sledgehammer while shes tied to a table or something. the music for it was the password theme. i think this is probably here because red is getting angrier? like this guy is still here after i triggered his ptsd?? what the hell!!!

anyways before we get to the last boss we have one last level type to get through- the shadow labyrinth. at this point, zach starts to feel drained because no shit sherlock you just had a panic attack and youve been playing this game for fuckin several hours at this point of course youre fuckin drained. anyways zach enters the shadow labyrinth, which is a black recolor of the gold labyrinth. the music is “evil ambience” similar to unforgiving colds music but distinctly different apparently. there werent any enemies so zach just kinda wandered for a while until the lights turned off, darkening the whole screen and (secretly) spawning tons of spooky enemies thatll chase and hit mothra in the dark. eventually the lights came back on and zach started scrambling to the exit. when the lights turned back off, zach was able to find one of the melissa looking statues and stood next to it. it warded off the monsters while the lights were off, so zach was safe. i think this shows 2 things: 1) its a little more validation for my “religion in this world worships melissa” theory and 2) it foreshadows the way melissa wants to protect zach at the end of the game. zach beat the shadow labyrinth a lot faster than the gold one so were done with all the stages now!! now theres only the last boss and red and were done with entropy!

the last boss is mechagodzilla, but when zach starts the level, normal godzilla is there instead!! its whatever tho bc soon the disguise is gone and its just pretty much the normal mechagodzilla fight (but now hes got a gay beam). at about half health tho, mechagodzillas sprite breaks into pieces like gezoras did way back on earth and reforms into not-mechagodzilla. even tho it looks uncanny (and the usage of the face statue on the front is probably there to further mock zach bc melissa) zach beats it p easily and now its time for the chase. ba dum ba dum thats the sound of a chase.

as usual tho, before i get to the red chase its time to talk about entropy as a planet!! i think the best way to describe the layout is “a big forest with a toxic waste dump in it takes up half the planet while the other half is a large religious temple/labyrinth with a dangerous underbelly”. there doesnt seem to be any intelligent life there now (its all dead by now probably) but there was at some point at least because imean the huge labyrinth is there dude!!! i dont have much to say for this section tbh bc i feel like i've already said everything i wanted to, so its time for the chase ig!!

basically the chase with red here takes place in a labyrinth level bc of course it does. this labyrinth, however, seems to be made of some kind of organic matter. is it flesh? organs? nondescript viscera? idk but it's pulsating and bloody. also this time red has wings too!! anyways, basically zach avoids red throughout the maze, red breaks through one of the walls with his big alien tongue, and zach gets to the end of the maze. nothing crazy happens at the end of this chapter (i think it was crazy enough as is) so thats the end of that and now its time for the penultimate planet- extus.

[madokasoratsugu]

therefore you and me post-production notes (or: murphy’s law as a project that has been two years in the making)

ive had this idea for ‘therefore you and me’ and Fritz ever since i first played CindPhenon. nothing ever fell into place until i played Evermore though, so here we are!

drafting this project was pretty easy tbh (see: hubris). the parallel imagery and everything about the lyrics was right up my alley aha.

fun thing with the lyrics: TadanoCo uses ‘要る (iru)’ in the line ‘Which do you want (iru)? Or do you want neither (iranai; aka negative form of ‘iru’)?’

‘ 要る ‘ as a verb can mean ‘to be wanted’ or ‘to be needed’. 

hence, the line can also be read: ‘Which do you need? Or do you need neither?” or any other variation of the verb’s usage. 

it’s halfway through drawing the lineart that murphy’s law began. 1) i drew ~15 panels on the wrong dimensions, and had to redraw them all (lol), re-grey tone (LOL), and re-ink (LOLOL). it was not a fun three days.

then i lost momentum because of lunar new year (happy late lunar new year btw! happy year of the ox :”) )

anyway: the moment i regained momentum for the project again, i hit a roadblock in the form of overconfident, sloppy drafting (see: hubris is my downfall). 

because of the lack of clear drafting for certain panels (and changes to previous panels), i had to redraft two different sections of the PV while keeping in mind that there was the bridge still to be drafted. fun ! 

i decided to simplify the bridge. can you believe it was supposed to be another animation. i can’t. so i scrapped it.

(slight tangent. Evermore’s release honestly cleared up a lot of uncertainty regarding the direction of the PV and whether or not to include Fritz’s mother (who I still fondly call Beatrice). im really happy the PV never came to fruition before Evermore’s release, as im not sure i would have done half as good a job without Evermore’s content.)

back to the hubris of proceeding with a messy draft - there was a lot of push and pull internally for me as to how much i should keep to the original PV and how much i should just put my spin on things. i ended up doing a bit of half-and-half, i think. 

but really, it only delayed things as i ended up redrafting and having multiple drafts of certain panels haha//

the last two choruses were honestly my favourite parts to draw. the shift from Varg’s clothes and colours to Fritz, Fritz’s acceptance of Varg and the soft way Varg looks at Fritz (and no one else). there’s something cathartic about acceptance and acknowledgement. i think that’s what i aimed to really capture.

also: in between drawing all the panels, murphy’s law 2) my Evermore itchio game file ? got deleted off my computer ? 

it’s a very old, barely functional brick so im lowkey unsurprised but at the same time it was a crazy experience and setback when i needed to reference certain scenes. oh, and Steam decided to not download Evermore too. i still haven’t fixed that one. haha. ha.

i have screenshot posters to thank for uploads of certain CGs, although im still pretty sure its best not to post a ton of those publicly at one shot?

also, i had to scrap the recreation of the famous ‘did you love Varg’ scene because of this aha. looking back now, i think it worked out. 

(another tangent: using referencing as an excuse, i actually took the opportunity to replay Fritz’s route for the third time. i ended up checking nothing at all and falling in love with the masquerade scene again.) 

up till the very end, im still not sure if everyone got that the line “You are love itself.” was meant to be said by Lucette to Fritz. i colour-coded Lucette with her own unique blue for the PV, which was the same hue as the line. i hope that it got across, aha.

with that said, video production was a whole entanglement in and of itself. i think murphy’s law really took up a hammer and swung hard at this stage.

timing was actual hell. im usually not this bad at it, but this project in particular was tricky bc TadanoCo uses a lot of background beats that aren’t overt, which his PV also matches - i think? or maybe im just not good at recognising beats from lack of video/music production haha//

hence there were certain scenes i was stuck at and kept revising because i wasnt clear where the beat was meant to be, what transitions i should use, and when the transitions should be.

subtitling was actually really fun! until i rendered my first version and realised all the subtitles were completely off and blurry.

turns out my project properties were different from my video properties, hence the off-alignment. huh. didnt know those were Actual Things(tm). 

also, quick tip to all vid-making amateurs like me out there: you may have to double the dimensions of the font’s media properties if you dont want them to come out fuzzy. another thing i didnt know lol. 

anyway all this lead to: me needing to spend another evening to redo subtitles. haha. it was not a fun two back-to-back 3am nights + extra evening afterward.

in between all this was countless rendering tests to guess-and-check what’s causing numerous errors in the video btw.

and with those rendering tests came: glaring mistakes in the panel art that i only now spotted and had to fix, and refix, and refix again. then reimport into sony vegas, put it into the video, render and double check if it’s alright. rinse and repeat countless times ! haha ! PV making is fun !

i think i nearly redid a certain scene with the exact same panels once. like i said: not a fun two 3am nights.

that said: i dont know how all this technical issues (and more) popped up and were resolved over two 3am nights and one evening. im not about to question it either. 

at this point: panel art - fixed ! subtitling all redone ! render works fine, everything checks out.

i make the mistake of uploading it directly to yt instead of leaving it unlisted first.

murphy’s law 3) when im watching the vid on yt, the yellow parts in the second verse were completely unable to be seen. 

panic put it on unlisted. people are already watching it and leaving (very sweet) comments. panic delete it.

btw if you’re one of the first three commenters reading this: thank you for the quick response !! it means a lot and made me really flustered in a good way :”))

cue me re-colouring those scenes, redo-ing the section and oops, is that a panel in the masquerade scene where Fritz literally is missing his mask ??? 

i think i lost my mind entirely at this point. from then on i was fueled by spite to complete this cursed project.

at thereforeFINAL.mp4, (version five of the full PV, version maybe 10-11 of all the rendered videos, including tests) finally. finally it is done. 

i upload it.

the end !

(except, not really. because here you are at post-production notes detailing the worst luck i’ve ever had with PV making. 

i learnt a lot from this though, and honestly on hindsight i should have learnt all these from my first PV but nothing went wrong at this magnitude so i kinda just...shelved it aha//

but really, im relieved it turned out well, and that i took the time to redo scenes until i was satisfied. for a PV that’s been waiting in the background for two years now, i think this is the least it deserves. 

if the comic about Fritz and Varg (which i referenced in one of the last choruses, i wonder if anyone caught that?) was meant to be a love letter to Fritz’s route, i think this PV ought to be a tribute to the character himself. 

although - hm, this isn’t quite as good a tribute to Fritz as it is to his route, maybe? i don’t know, haha ! maybe it’s just myself wanting to make excuses to create more for him//

i was thinking of continuing on about the PV and it’s significance to Fritz and Varg, but hm. maybe not on this post. maybe some other one, some other time.

but at it’s core, at it’s simplest, most raw - i think i just wanted to explore what it means to Fritz to ‘want’ and to ‘need’ with this PV.

thank you for watching the PV, and thank you for reading this.

- blu.)

[lefthanded-sans]

Why I'll Always Scream About Mordin’s Character Arc

With the approach of Mass Effect: Andromeda, I have recently replayed the Shepard saga, and feel the need anew to scream about how much I enjoy this trilogy. One thing that has always excited me is Mordin Solus’ plot arc, culminating in his ME3 death scenes. I want to thank @peachdoxie for convincing me to garner the courage to analyze this five years after Mass Effect 3’s release. It feels wonderful to dive in with discourse about what I find an incredible, emotional, and well-constructed narrative.

Mordin’s character - and his character arc - are based largely upon his internal conflict between logic and compassion. It’s the difference between what he thinks he believes is right versus what he feels within his conscience. He has a set moral framework and strong sense of logic by which he abides, but that conduct doesn’t erase the uneasy feelings stewing inside. What is so powerful about Mordin’s plot arc is that he does a complete one-eighty, undoing his own greatest scientific achievement, in his process to find inner peace. His prior scientific work creating the modified genophage leaves him haunted with moral questions; his choice to cure the genophage brings him closure for his past. Through this, he finally finds a cause he can dive into where both his rationality and his compassionate conscience work as one.

The conflict between his head and heart is finally resolved, and he can die taking action – for the first time – with full, unfettered conviction.

Mordin’s Introduction and Character Set-Up

Lots of ways to help people. Sometimes heal patients. Sometimes execute dangerous people. Either way helps. – Mordin Solus, ME2

When Mordin is first introduced, he demonstrates an interesting duality: he is both a man of healing and a man of killing. His reputation precedes him, and Shepard hears stories about him before they meet. These stories are full of this paradox. On one side, he’s a doctor who heals people gratis in plague-infested slums and offers refuge to all sapient species. On the other side, Aria comments, “He's as likely to heal you as he is to shoot you,” and several Omega locals remark upon how Mordin calmly guns down both a gang of vorcha and a squad of Blue Suns mercs… and leaves the corpses as a warning in front of his *hospital*.

But Mordin makes clear from the start that he does not believe this paradox is paradoxical. Everything he chooses to do, he does with utmost reason and ethical consideration. He cares deeply about organic rights while simultaneously acknowledging that sometimes, to help others, dangerous people need to be eliminated. He is both a doctor and a military operative; he will do what it takes, whether it’s save innocents or murder wrongdoers. Straying from this course of action Mordin considers “naïve.” He pins the word both on Daniel when the young man says doctors should only help people, and on Shepard if she says curing the genophage will lead to only good things.

There is an initial strong confidence that Mordin holds about himself regarding his genophage work. He insists it was the best solution to everyone – krogan included – and tells Shepard, “No apologies. Did what was right. Hope you do the same when necessary.” Mordin knows he researched all possible outcomes thoroughly with his team about how to handle the krogans, and thus is able to state with unyielding conviction, “Genophage modification protected galaxy.” He even can argue this solution is merciful to krogans, too. The genophage simply establishing their birthrates to pre-industrial levels and allows the species a chance to survive.

This footage of Patrick Weekes talking about Mordin’s character hits at that very point:

So for me Mordin is two different characters. The first character is the one I was given when I came onto Mass Effect 2. And I was told he is the scientist who redid the genophage, and my initial reaction was… unrecordable… but translated roughly as, “That jerk,” because Wrex was my bro. So I had a choice. In manager speak, I had a probletunity, where I can either write Mordin as just a guy who did that and just went, “Yup, sterilized ’im,” and you know, maybe the really Renegade players would like that, but everyone else would go, “I’m never using him, he’s atrocious, he’s a war criminal, how could you do that” …or I could challenge myself more and try to write someone who saw himself as good. Some who saw himself as the guy who made the hard choice, who doesn’t take the easy way out, who doesn’t cartoonishly justify anything he did, but gets up every day, looks in the mirror, and says, “It was the right thing to do, even if I am sorry I had to do it.” So that’s what I tried to bring to him. And then the other part of it is the Gilbert and Sullivan.

It’s astonishing to see a character stand so strongly for his work… when that work is what others might consider to be an illegal bioweapon, a war crime, or even species-wide infanticide that leaves at least millions of newborns dead. And yet Mordin truly does hold that he did the “right thing.”

Sort of.

And that’s where his character conflict arises and his narrative truly begins.

Mordin’s Moral Framework

What does it matter if the ground is stained with the blood of millions? You taught me that the end justified the means. – Maelon Heplorn, ME2

One passive observation I’ve noted in fiction is that writers tend to downplay or criticize consquentialist frameworks. Completely “pure” and “good” contemporary Western culture heroes are usually more deontological in their ethical scope. I feel even Mass Effect relays internal moral vibes suggesting it’s better to avoid consequentialist choices. Thus, one thing I’ve found fascinating and attractive about Mordin is that he is someone who demonstrates a utilitarian framework.

To provide a definition: consequentialism is the ethical philosophy that the end justifies the means. Anything is morally permissible or praiseworthy if you work toward a positive end result. Utilitarianism, now, is a common type of consequentialism. Utilitarianism holds that a person should morally maximize the good while minimizing the bad and painful.

Mordin acts under the idea the end justify the means. Maelon himself says that his mentor espoused this philosophy. These ideologies are manifested throughout the games with Mordin’s words and actions. It goes beyond his choice to create the genophage. Mordin recommends dangerous people be killed if they are going to be a risk to others, be it aggressive batarians in Omega’s Gozu district or Rana Thonoptis on Korlus. He’s even fine killing Maelon. It’s pretty utilitarian: pain is minimized by culling the dangerous people who would harm others. He’s said other things that make me cock me head to one side in consideration, too; if he follows Shepard aboard the Collector vessel, he’ll call the pile of dead bodies “despicable,” but at the same time say, “This was wrong. Inhumane. Even if Collectors needed to kill for experiments, could have ended lives painlessly.” By his phraseology, it’s almost as though he’s not discarding the possibility death might be needed for some experimental cases, but what he finds objectionable is that they caused unnecessary pain while doing so.

That said, Mordin does have some “cut-off points” by which he believes something is wrong on principle. This would potentially make him fall into the category of rules-based utilitarianism, which holds that there are certain moral rules that exist because they overarchingly cause greater utility (less suffering and greater good). Mordin refuses to do experiments on species capable of calculus, for instance, drawing the line on the ground there, and also says he will never kill with medicine. He justifies the genophage in part by claiming it prevents birth rather than kills, so that still falls within his realm of moral reason.

And it is to note Mordin approaches life’s challenges through careful rationality. His choices are not based upon impulse, intuition, or instinct so much as conditioned rules, rationality, and principle. To quote this article, which I think provides an intriguing synopsis of his character:

[…] his upbeat demeanor hides a cold, calculating mind that has spent years dealing with the most difficult decisions in the solar system - decisions that Shepard is drawn into over the course of the second and third games. […] As you bond with him, he opens, and you see him dissect the terrible problems he's faced with an analytical mindset. He has done the moral mathematics - he will kill a million to save ten million - but his genophage is a slow, painful deathblow for the Krogan.

This philosophical framework usually characterizes how Mordin speaks up front to individuals. It is how he gives his official stories, justifications, and reasonings behind his choices. 

But here’s the thing: even though he holds fairly strong by this philosophy, he’s not emotionally settled on all his logical points. As Shepard comes to know Mordin more, she can see within him how he is distressed by what he has done. Mordin mostly - but not completely - believes he is doing the right thing. There is a “battle between logic and compassion that lies at the heart of his character.”

Mordin’s Conscience

We all fracture in different ways. Mordin’s conscience haunted him. Maelon crossed the line into barbaric experiments. And myself, I went searching for whatever gods created the rules for this unfortunate universe. – Padok Wiks, ME3 

At first, Mordin might seem like someone settled with the choices he made, grounded in what he has done. But the more Shepard comes to know Mordin, the more she sees the holes. Beneath the logic Mordin advocates is an individual unsettled with his scientific accomplishments. And really, once you know that Mordin is actually divided about his genophage research, the more you see his shaken interior emerge.

Mordin’s unsettled conscience comes out from the first conversation he has with Shepard about his modified genophage. He opens the conversation by admitting he deceived Shepard about his work in the STG; he stares out a window, not making eye contact, when he utters these words. That already speaks volumes about how he feels. “Work on genophage was more than just study,” he admits, with a vocal inflection that sounds more doleful and serious than his typical jabbering. This topic is heavy for him. If Shepard responds in a skeptical, Renegade manner, he stammers, uncomfortable, more awkward than typical. He says Shepard needs to know “What I… did,” with an inflection perhaps hinting at the guilt inside him.

The further this conversation progresses, and the more Shepard asks questions about why he didn’t take different actions, the more animated Mordin gets. His voice rises, sounding more anxious, urgent, and harsh; he paces; he waves his arms emphatically; he makes illogical half-truths; he almost sounds defensive at several points. The moments when his voice is most defensive occur whenever he tries justifying the genophage as the right choice. “Modified genophage offered best outcome,” he says, while pacing, waving his hands, and sounding extremely stressed. “Stabilized population. Avoided publicity that could incite krogan anger.” The fact Mordin gets so worked up at this moment foreshadows the agonized heart he later exposes on Tuchanka. He’s giving Shepard the logical answer with his words, but his body language and vocal inflection convey he’s not happy with his logical answer, either. This topic stresses him precisely because it doesn’t hit well on his conscience.

It’s during the loyalty mission on Tuchanka that Mordin’s discomfort really comes to the forefront. Mordin’s initial character introduction is about establishing his confidence in his logical solution for the genophage. Mordin’s character development here digs into the meat of his narrative conflict: he’s still struggling with the aftereffects of his choice. The introduction shows his head; the development shows his heart. Mordin admits it can be hard to sleep at night. He admits everyone on his team changed after they saw the impact of their work (and Padok confirms Mordin changed, too, once he began recon missions on Tuchanka). Mordin outright says the genophage project was ethically uncertain. He says he established a clinic on Omega because it’s not ethically ambiguous, but a solacing and straightforward means of helping people in his retired years. It won’t cause him the stress the genophage project has done. And science, which once held the greatest excitement and certainty for him… now cannot comfort him in his moral dilemma. Mordin dives into religion to seek out a spiritual solution to his nagging conscience.

It’s not a casual dive into religion, either. At least, that is what might be implied by what Shepard learns. The evidence almost seems to align with the idea Mordin’s religious explorations were a big deal at a critical point in his life. A younger Mordin was willing to enter a fistfight with Padok about whether or not evolution was guided by higher powers. It suggests Mordin would have probably rejected religious notions in earlier years. Yet the Shadow Broker’s information on Mordin shows that later in life, he was even interviewed about the combination of science and faith. Mordin demonstrates significant knowledge in multiple religions, mentioning salarian theology, batarian beliefs, krogan gods, Hinduism, and more Christian references than basically all the human characters in Mass Effect make. He needed to do a massive amount of soul-searching because of his work with the STG.

Even in the Tuchanka hospital, Mordin still holds by his beliefs about modifying the genophage and reinfecting the krogan. He still says it was the right choice. He speaks about it less happily, but he still holds onto that argument. Yet now Shepard can see - very clearly - how much this choice burdens him. Even the Shadow Broker notices that Mordin working with Shepard on the Collectors is an attempt to rectify himself about his past actions. The loyalty mission makes Mordin’s conscience obvious.

Regardless of how Mordin decides to handle Maelon and the research data, this adventure on Tuchanka highlights Mordin’s interior doubt. Maelon says Mordin taught him the end justifies the means - but these krogan in Maelon’s hospital deserved better and Mordin recognizes this. This adventure brings his mind to the forefront of his personal and ongoing ethical struggles. He can choose to delete the data to try to gain closure, or take it with him; kill Maelon for his unethical choices, or send him off to Omega for his own soul-searching and healing; but regardless, Mordin does not gain closure on Tuchanka. It picks at the wound that Mordin knows is not healed.

The logic and the compassion are still at odds with one another. In the heart of Mordin’s character development, they are at odds almost more than ever before.

It’s in Mass Effect 3 that Mordin finds a way to do something about it.

From Creating to Curing the New Genophage

I made a mistake! I made a mistake. Focused on big picture. Big picture made of little pictures. Too many variables. Can’t hide behind statistics. Can’t ignore new data. My responsibility. – Mordin Solus, ME3

Initially, it might seem as though Mordin chooses to cure the genophage because political circumstances between species change. That is his official story to Shepard, too. If she asks him why he’s so comfortable curing the genophage now, he tells her, “Never change mind. Genophage proper decision at time. New circumstances necessitate course correction.”

However, just like Mordin gives his good logic to Shepard in ME2 but internally carries an emotional perspective, so also does there seem to be more going on with Mordin’s motivations and the genophage here. Like so much of Mordin’s narrative, it’s open to implication and interpretation, but I feel as though so much points to Mordin feeling more than “new circumstances necessitat[ing] course correction”.

First, Shepard asks Mordin if there is more behind his reason to cure the genophage beyond the Reaper invasion and political changes. She suggests there could be additional personal reasons for his investment. He admits there are few salarian scientists interested in the genophage and none with the experience needed for a matter of this magnitude. And then he says, “But not about them. My work. My job to put it right, to prove I can.” He does have personal stakes.

The second point to note is what Urdnot Bakara says about Mordin. Bakara notices an underlying, unspoken motivation for Mordin tackling the genophage cure. “I sense pain in him [...]. He told me about his work on the genophage. I should consider him an enemy. Yet I think seeing my sisters and I changed something in him.”

Mordin has already been questioning his past. As Padok says, Mordin’s work on the genophage haunted him. Visiting Maelon’s hospital on Tuchanka was influential for Mordin questioning his actions more. Meeting Bakara and the other weakened female krogan from Maelon’s research is the final experience, the catalyst, for him switching to curing the genophage.

Third, Mordin lets it loose his personal for curing the Genophage in the Renegade route. Shepard presses Mordin for why he chooses to cure the genophage after defending it every conversation before now. He wheels around, uncustomarily shouts, and declares with a rare full sentence, “I made a mistake!”

Mordin chooses to leak the intel about Bakara’s fertility to none other than the Urdnot clan. He is the person who mentions the possibility of a genophage cure to the krogan, even before negotiations officially start between the turians, krogans, and salarians in ME3. He is the person who plants the idea that the genophage can be cured now to the krogan. Mordin chooses to leave the STG and help develop a cure for Bakara on the Normandy. Mordin chooses to die saving the krogan because he made a mistake.

He can’t fight back all the logic anymore. His conscience that plagued him for years was right: he made a mistake.

That’s his real, uncovered motivation.

Mordin might say he never holds regrets over past choices, but here, in the heat of the moment, he lets loose that his choice was the wrong one. Perhaps he did not have the proper data at the time, but now he shouts he made the wrong choice to recreate the genophage. Suddenly, his calmer conversation to Shepard aboard the Normandy, where he says it is, “my job to put it right,” gets understood in a fuller context. His conscience is why he’s so dogged to cure the krogan.

And then his internal battle between his head and heart ends on the Shroud. After developing Mordin and letting us know why he’s conflicted, we get the solution to his internal struggles.

THIS is why I love Mordin’s death scenes. THIS is why I adore them. It’s a beautiful character arc start to end. His character introduction lets us know he created the new genophage. His plot conflict lets us know he’s struggling about his past choices. This struggle is seeded in his divided rationality and compassion. We watch this personal struggle gets developed, exacerbated in his ME2 loyalty mission. It prompts a change in ME3 that is geared more toward his conscience. And there on Tuchanka, right before he dies... he finds resolution to what he has been fighting since before Shepard even met him.

He gets resolution to both the external genophage conflict and his internal war between conscience and logic.

Here, for the first time, Mordin doesn’t act with his logic overriding his conscience. He doesn’t act with his sentiments clouding his reasoning. 

Mordin, when he dies, solves his personal problem with the genophage.

Mordin, when he dies, fundamentally impacts the future of the galaxy.

And Mordin, when he dies, finally acts with his logic and conscience working as one.

Renegade Route Death

No time to argue. Cure dispersal imminent. Must counteract sabotage. Stop me if you must. – Mordin Solus, ME3

I’m a huuuuuge sucker for betrayals and characters dying short of their culminating self-aggrandizement. The fact that you - Commander Shepard - can choose to betray and murder your own friend for his own convictions is astonishing. Despite the fact you brought him on board the Normandy to create the cure, you can turn around and gun him down for that very work. It’s so impacting we the player can choose to assassinate our dear ally. I find this the most brutal and least chill death in the Mass Effect trilogy I’ve experienced. So yeah, I like the Paragon death better (for reasons I’ll discuss in the next section), but I still find many wonderful and juicy things about the Renegade Route death. This is a great ending to Mordin’s plot arc, too, and wraps up so much about what I adore about his personal narrative.

The first thing I love I already mentioned. The Renegade route has an incredible final conversation between Mordin and Shepard. Only in this route does Mordin shout out unfettered the motivation behind his genophage cure. He doesn’t make this confession in the Paragon route... only here.

That one sentence shout “I made a mistake!” is perfect. To point out:

It’s shocking because Mordin admits he made a mistake! He has been harping throughout his relationship with Shepard that he does not have regrets and he takes charge of situations because “someone else might have gotten it wrong.” However, now Mordin turns back on everything he stood for with the genophage modification project. He even says he cannot hide behind statistics, something Shepard accuses him of doing in ME2. Here Mordin is siding resolutely, firmly with the cure and claiming he got his first choice wrong. It’s a mistake.

How the line is delivered creates additional shock and impact. It’s not his typical telegraphic sentence, deleting subject position nouns or pronouns. He say the full thing, starting with “I”. It’s not “Made a mistake.” It’s “I made a mistake.” And he says that twice.

This shout is a short resolution for what Mordin will now unwaveringly do. He is willing to die for the krogan to be cured. We now know what his heart feels.

Immediately after his outburst, Mordin explains. New data has shown a cure is a better future than the krogan retaining the genophage. Between his initial raw shout and the subsequent logical countering, Mordin demonstrates his logic and conscience are working together. He feels he has to cure the genophage because he has to fix his errors. He has to clean up his mess, which gave him so much emotional haunting in the past. That’s the compassion speaking. And he sees from the current data around him that this is the best solution for the galaxy. That’s the logic and moral philosophical framework speaking.

This is why Mordin is willing to die. He didn’t have to die to save the krogan, especially in the Renegade version of the Shroud scene. Shepard makes it clear: “Walk away or I will fire.” Commander Shepard will only shoot Mordin if he tries to counteract the sabotage and implement the cure. She’ll spare him if he steps aside. A Mordin who is working on just logic might not be resolute enough to stand his ground. A Mordin who is working on just compassion would definitely not be resolute enough to stand his ground - he’s overriden his compassion in the past for logic. But Mordin will not back down when both his head and his heart tell him the genophage cure is the correct choice to pursue.

The second thing I find fascinating is that technically Mordin is dying from the consequences of his own moral framework. There’s good reason I yabbered up top about his philosophical disposition, folks. The truth of the matter is that Commander Shepard kills Mordin because of a consequentialist framework, too. The end justifies the means. Assassinating one friend to save a galaxy is what it takes, and that’s what she does. Mordin even seems to realize this; he deduces why Shepard is threatening him, and while he insists this is his choice to make, he doesn’t seem too surprised or upset at her ethical reasoning. It’s because it mirrors what he has done so often in the past.

It’s to note Mordin never wavers from utilitarianism, either. Again, his logic and his conscience are working as one. For Mordin, it does bring the greatest utility to save the krogan. That is the best choice. He’s willing to face the consequence of dying to see that end result through. It just so happens that Shepard disagrees, and is also willing to do what it takes to get her desired end result.

And so he dies.

The third thing I adore about the Renegade death is that Mordin dies for his convictions... but he doesn’t succeed. He is cut short. He never gets his resolution. He dies, struggling, choking on his own blood, croaking out the words, “Not yet.” With his final painful breaths, he tries to save the krogan anyway.

Mordin’s character arc is complete... sort of. It’s a powerful result. A powerful moment. He spends years haunted by his inner demons about the genophage. When he finally finds how he can ease his sense of guilt while still maintaining his logic... he dies. Shepard sees to it that he never finishes his quest for internal peace.

I love how the Renegade route doesn’t let you forget the consequences of your choice. The writing demonstrates some deontological bias (they don’t rub your mistakes in your face in the Paragon route), but it’s a great sentiment. Players feel guilt even when making a consequentialist choice... sort of like what Mordin had to live with. You did what was necessary to save the galaxy. But Shepard throws her pistol aside in disgust and marches away. And while everyone else is crying Mordin as a “hero,” you are sitting there... unable to divulge to anyone else... your dirty little secret.

Paragon Route Death

That was the courage of the highest order, sacrificing himself so our children may live. A thousand years from now we’ll probably be singing songs about him. – Urdnot Bakara and Wrex, ME3 

Now here’s why I celebrate the Paragon Route more than Mordin’s Renegade death (or the third option where he survives the Shroud encounter). It can be boiled down to three big reasons:

1. The narrative of Mordin’s conflict gets wrapped up beautifully. The dialogue is written for extraordinary impact to get us that sense of painful yet resonant completion. 2. Mordin dies both bravely and not bravely. His choice is brave but his body language is not. It makes it more poignant to watch him knowingly go to his death. 3. Mass Effect is a story about heroism and legendary heroes, and through this route, Mordin becomes that unforgettable hero.

There are other reasons I’m attracted to it like the music and me preferring the Paragon route as a whole, but I’ll stick with these big three points. These are of course just my opinion, but here’s why I why I feel it.

1. Wrapping up Mordin’s narrative with beautiful writing and dialogue

Mordin surviving, ironically enough, is the least resolving for me. Sure, Shepard can talk to Mordin in London and assure him he did the right thing on Tuchanka, and Mordin can go help with the Crucible... but his story doesn’t feel resolved. The Renegade death has a resolute ending... he got resolve but he failed. The Paragon death has a resolute ending... he got resolve and succeeded. But if Mordin is convinced to follow Linron’s plan and go into hiding, we don’t get closure. 

What is so nice about Mordin’s character arc (compared to many other ME characters) is that his arc is integrally wrapped up with Shepard’s main story. Jacob’s or Samara’s stories in ME3 are peripheral to Shepard’s central conflict. But Mordin gets caught right in the vortex of one of the most crucial alliances in history. To lack closure in his character arc also means a lack of closure for what happens in Shepard’s experiences. If Mordin decides he’ll keep himself alive and maybe cure the genophage later, we don’t get a consummation of logic and compassion; we don’t get resolution of his internal character struggles. We don’t complete the plot arc that has been building for two games. And if Mordin decides that he might cure the genophage “later,” then we don’t get any real resolution about the fate of the krogans, either. Act One in ME3 never “ends.” It’s left up in the air, we move onto a different conflict, and we can only speculate about what the hell happens later. Nothing gets resolved.

The Paragon death, as I see it, is the ultimate resolution to Mordin’s narrative journey. It takes everything we love about him - from his odd little inconsequential quirks to the center of his character conflict - and gives us a final wrap-up. He turns about one-eighty, finds his internal peace, and becomes a hero that saves an entire civilization.

Like the Renegade death, Mordin enters this with his head and heart working as one. Here, Mordin isn’t even pressured by someone threating him. Here, he offers his own life up: it’s both the most ethical thing to do by his moral framework, and it’s the one that gives his conscience peace. And after seeing Mordin so long tormented by the genophage... we finally see this character... achieve resolution.

He implements the cure. He stops the sabotage. And when he hears the speakers announce the cure will disperse over Tuchanka... he smiles. Even though he knows he will die in the next few seconds, this is the first and last time we will ever see Mordin at peace.

Next, the writers work up the moment to Mordin’s demise in a powerful way. I’m accustomed to seeing characters die after they give their catch phrase or one final powerful quote. What makes Mordin’s death so emotional is that we don’t get one phrase by which we can remember him. The writers give us three blows with three final quotes to evoke our emotions. Boom. One fond and important memory of him. Boom. The next. Boom. And he is gone.

The first “boom” is mentioning seashells. It hurts not just because it’s a funny moment you share with him. It hurts because he’s talking about what he wanted to do after the war ended. He and Shepard both know he’ll never get to study those seashells; he’s going to die in action. This turns a humorous conversation into a painful reminder he’s walking into his own death.

The next “boom” is giving Shepard his catch phrase. She offers condolences when she sees he’s about to go on the suicide mission, but he responds he’s not sorry. “Had to be me. Someone else might have gotten it wrong.” These are his final words to her for which she will remember him. These are his intended “last words.” Note that writing writing works well in threes, and this is the third time the “had to be me” quote appears, too!

The last “boom” is when he literally dies in an explosion. The first song Mordin sings to Shepard becomes the last song we hear. And he doesn’t even finish the line. We’re deprived of the song’s conclusion. “I am the very model of a --” Gone.

That song, “I am the very model of a scientist salarian,” is the tune he sings about himself and his life’s work. It’s his favorite song to sing. It’s a cheerful summary and celebration of what he can accomplish. And here, even as he dies, even as he can’t finish his lyrics, he does the greatest and most powerful thing he has ever done. He shows exactly what a scientist salarian can do.

Just talk about the perfect way to kill a character: he dies singing.

2. Mordin didn’t die “bravely”

I’ve seen other people talk about this, too. I’m just going to link you to a wonderful analysis on Reddit and quote what I’ve seen. It speaks for itself. I don’t need to add anything to it.

It wasn't that it was a brave sacrifice. It was by definition, of course, but it was far more than that. To me, I thought Mordin's sacrifice was powerful because it wasn't brave. I'll explain:

From the moment we meet Mordin on Omega, he's described in terms of being willing to help people, but being murderously savage when he needs to be. He openly speaks about killing surrendering foes, and is generally violent in nature along with his helpful spirit. However, as you go through ME2, you realize he's more than just violent/helpful. He's a complicated person who has done a lot in his short life. He's responsible for the modified Genophage, and he's served in STG. He's obviously brilliant. He loves art, as evidenced by his singing. But when he breaks down on your mission to Tuchanka over the deaths of test subjects, you get the feeling that though he knows what he did was necessary, it eats him up inside.

When you go through ME3, he's dedicated his life to making things right. He's your mole in STG to get Eve out, and he works tirelessly to find a cure for a disease he helped create. Once on Tuchanka, he decides to give his life for the cure to occur. Here I see what's most sad about Mordin. He's not just a tough, violent scientist who is ultimately out for the greater good. As he's going up the elevator, he's visibly nervous. He takes deep breaths. Once he's uploading the cure, he's singing and his voice is wavering. Up until the moment he dies, he's exceedingly vulnerable, his voice nearly breaking. He's scared of dying, but he knows it's for the good of the krogan, and the galaxy. Few characters, with the exception of Garrus, were as stripped down in terms of their psyche as Mordin was. You met both of them and their rough exterior, but by the end of ME3 you saw the cracks and learned who they really were, what they really felt. It's pretty amazing that a video game is able to give this sort of intimacy.

EDIT: And as I'm reading this again, it strikes me: He's also afraid that his work, the genophage, might never be cured. In ME3, his slogan takes on new meaning. "Someone else might have gotten it wrong." Someone else might have tried to cure the genophage, and been unable, or wouldn't have done it fast enough. He's worried, terrified that his legacy wouldn't be working for the greater good, but working for injustice. He realizes by the end of ME2 that his work, while necessary at the time, was wrong, and he devotes his life to fixing it. "Someone else might have gotten it wrong" is his entire purpose, his fears, and his desires all rolled into one.

Characters don’t tend to die like that in stories. In the Renegade death, you get a more “typical” end - a character dying boldly for what he believes in. “Stop me if you must.” We’re used to heroic sacrifices, bravely standing there at the end of it all, in stories. We’re also used to characters screaming and dying in cowardice. But we’re not used to seeing a character heroically choosing to die while at the same time being so terrified.

That just adds an extra layer of emotions as we watch him flinch with each explosion... watch when that next explosion takes him out.

3. Mass Effect is a story about heroes

This is the main reason why I believe I prefer the Paragon route over the Renegade. As juicy as Shepard’s betrayal is, it lacks the emotional resonance of Mordin choosing to die in the tower. Sure, I love reading about players’ guilt and whether or not they can even stomach shooting Mordin... but it can’t beat the emotional resonance of a hero being made.

What made the first two Mass Effect games so exciting and resonant upon completion is that they are the stories of a hero winning against overwhelming odds. Commander Shepard manages to save Council space by defeating Saren and Sovereign in ME - something highly unlikely, but satisfyingly completed. Shepard again beats overwhelming odds in ME2 by outlasting the Suicide Mission and coming out with her team in heroic glory. It’s because Shepard manages to make it through overwhelming odds that we’re left cheering, we’re left excited, we’re left emotionally resonant. I adored the feel of besting the universe. It’s so enjoyably badass!

Mass Effect 3 is different. Don’t get me wrong - I love the game and will defend it start to end. I will defend the end of ME3 far more than almost anyone else I know. I love the whole trilogy. But upon first playthrough, ME3 can feel off. Everything feels more subdued, more weighted. There’s an overhanging sense that the ending won’t be perfect - and indeed, the ending is not optimal. Huge sacrifices are made by the end of the game, and Shepard’s final choice regarding the Reapers results in bittersweet results. It’s not the bang-and-win feel we’ve been accustomed to in the other games. It’s painfully real. The consequences bear down on us, and we don’t feel like we come out of the story heroically. Shepard doesn’t storm through the finish line... she crawls.

So even though Commander Shepard emerges a “hero” in the main storyline, you don’t feel it. You feel “wrong” because she doesn’t overwhelmingly bash down the baddies like in the first two games. Don’t get me wrong - I love bittersweet stories, too, and that’s what I usually write - but it will always feel a little “off” to me that I don’t unwaveringly save the day in ME3. And yeah, my first time I even chose the one and only ending where Shepard lives, and it still felt uncomfortable.

Because that sense of grandiose heroism gets lost in the final cutscenes, I have had to look elsewhere to get my emotional “satisfaction” and fill of heroes in ME3. The quarian and geth conflict has great moments, but because it’s such a group effort, it’s harder for me to feel as though someone like Tali explodes as a hero (she does amazing things and grows, yes, but it’s not that bang-punch-hero feel). If Mordin leaves the Shroud alive or dies without implementing the cure, we get yet another solemn bittersweet ending like Shepard’s "solution” with the Reapers.

But if Mordin dies out in a bang, I get my quota of grandiose heroism. I get that glorious vibe which made me fall in love with ME and continue to love it in ME2.

He’s staggeringly altered the course of the universe. A thousand years of krogan infertility are reversed by the same species that first maimed them. Mordin undoubtedly becomes one of the most influential individuals in the galaxy. This quirky, emotionally struggling doctor you meet on Omega turns from a debatable war criminal to an instant hero.

Krogans celebrate him. He has become the savior for an entire species. Mordin becomes a legend immediately. Krogan will sing ballads about his deeds for millennia to come. The firstborn prince of the leading krogan clan is named after him: Urdnot Mordin. That extraordinary growth of a character, ending when he a legend... it’s powerful. It’s more powerful than a betrayal. It’s more powerful than saying, “Maybe I’ll cure them later.” Here and now, we see the jaw-dropping effects of his conscience and his logic working as one.

So that is why I still scream about Mordin’s plot arc even now.

It’s incredible.

It’s exactly what I want to see in storytelling - from its solid structure, to its depth, to its deep questions, to its impacting emotionality.

The character is set up with an interesting internal conflict that has galaxy-wide implications. After watching him struggle between two sides of his psyche, he finds a way to resolve them both and do a one-eighty, undoing his own greatest accomplishment. He takes on a sense of astounding heroism in his final act and dies with “the courage of the highest order”.

Commander Shepard will always be my hero. But with how they wrote Mordin’s story, I can’t help but gape at him in awe as a hero, too.