#so if you know what I should tag in this lemme know!
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"This thing is easily done. The prince sleeps beside her, but he has grown old. Three men should be enough to subdue him should he try to interfere, but I will take six to be certain. Does my lord wish this done tonight?" "Six men or sixty, he is still Daemon Targaryen."
a gift for @acrossthesestars
#daemon targaryen#daemontargaryenedit#daemon targaryen edit#team black#hotd edit#hotdedit#userjoelle#usergif#my edits#i genuinely don't know what else to tag this as#anyone this has been sitting on my desktop for three months#so if you know what I should tag in this lemme know!
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Hi!! Your Cherik is so good and gorgeous 🤩🤩 If you don't mind wanna try to draw some Fall of X Cherik please?
thank you so much !!
i have a couple of ideas relating to the fall of x period specifically since theres. A Lot i wanna play with, so i hope this lil thing may be a satisfactory start :]]
and the obligatory bonus:
#xmen#xmen comics#fall of x#cherik#charles xavier#erik lehnsherr#erik magnus lehnsherr#max eisenhardt#professor x#magneto#snap sketches#for clarity on of this tag ramble im calling magneto max OK ok#sorry it took me a while to answer- ive been busy this week !#but yah like i said theres a lot of Fall Of X moments i wanna poke at#one i really wanted to doodle around was max's time with the shadow king from Resurrection of Magneto#the third issue is prob my fave in general if im so tbh .... but i wont prattle bout that ill go back to my previous prattle#i dont think i have a comic in mind prob just a doodle with shadow charles....#i mean if im devious enough i can def turn it into a comic but for now i just know i wanna do something with that#honestly even this moment i might revisit when i have more time to draw something. a lil better#i dont hate this its a sound start- but i THINK i wanna draw a smooch. a lil kiss. idk we'll see#cause im cheeky like that. 'will this be the last time i see you' 'girl idk we can kiss about it though' etc etc#god not to get off topic but im so curious what will happen with these two ... but thats for a diff post i guess#honestly if you guys have any runs i should read lemme know !! i just finished way of x and bar that ive just been reading the 60s issues#i have a couple on my list i wanna check out but im always excited to look into recs if yall think theyre worth it !!#but ya. thats all from me for now#my time is so finite this week i hope i can draw these sillies again soon .. i have a lot of ideas i fear#maybe i can sneak in one more doodle tonight ... <- doubtful
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hello i had an idea once. Here is ur explanation for it
Ok goodbye
#fairy tail#fairy tail fanart#natsu dragneel#fairy tail natsu#ft natsu#fanart#digital drawing#digital art#my art#phoenix draws#i achieved ascended levels of normalcy doin this#this is for the colours thingy in the guild awards server but uhhhhhhhhhhhhh#i think everyone elses stuff is less *waves hand* extra than this#i got excited ok#also!#*points at u* can YOU spot the symbolism and the fun meanings in this comic?#wait should i add a warnin#yea better to be safe that sorry#cw blood#cw injury#<- bro ill be real idk what other warnins might be needed so if theres anymore lemme know#also!!#if it aint too much trouble id love to know u peeps thoughts on this#either in notes or inbox :]#the colour i got assigned was purple btw if it wasnt obvious lmao#zancrow#fairy tail zancrow#i forgor to tag him
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Sugar, spice and everything nice! Everyone's favourite soft gal is finally finished, enjoy Asami's Completed Timeline!
Tag list (ask to be added or removed): @carrionsflower @statichvm @risingsh0t @simonxriley @tommyarashikage @kanos @confidentandgood @unholymilf @florbelles @thedeadthree @shellibisshe @roofgeese @aezyrraeshh @faerune @tekehu @jackiesarch @minaharkers @sergeiravenov @carlosoliveiraa @rosenfey @greenecreek @queennymeria @heroofpenamstan @tethrras @jamessunderlandgf @d-esmond @solasan @bigbywlf @delzinrowe @fenharel @imogenkol
#personal*#jess talks#oc: asami enatsu#my writing#mha oc#bnha oc#anime oc#okay yes i was biased in saying everyones favourite#but now yall can know what made her so kind!#idk if ive ever shared much about her history... so this should do the trick hehe#i stand by what i said before tho#this is deffo the longest one yet#i feel like the jjk gals might overtake her#but for now she is the longest!#purely because i got too invested in being descriptive#but i like writing like that#its the easiest and best way i can make my writing sound good haha#slowly getting more confident in writing anyway#and like i said in rins tags: i LOVE a redemption arc!!!#soft bakugo is my son i fucking adore him#and so does asami hehe#okay byyyeeeeee#enjoy and happy reading!!#lemme know what you think
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one of the perspective practices or whatever
#doodle#thanks i hate it or w/e#you think you know what a room would look like & then you draw it and are like. fuck. what the hell. how does interior design work again#and then youre like. i have to google so many types of furniture goddamn it all#i should just learn blender#i did originally draw all this with a grid and all the lines were perfect and heterosexual#but then i traced over it w/o a ruler because the perfect lines make it look off.#i also dont have any energy. i'm tired.#i need to improve drawing scenery and backgrounds or w/e so i can stop filling my blog w nothing but bland portraits#i also have to draw backgrounds for my game lol i thought let's make vestnai's lab/workspace! this did not turn out how i wanted it.#didnt do enough planning really. common mistake i make#i also did 3 point perspective practice and lemme tell u. clip studio's rulers just do what they feel like. they dont care about ur feeling#so many tags. i'm chatty. and tired.
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Fucking. Hell man. Guess who had a new nightmare! Ya-fuckin-hoo!!!
Anyways... it was the hospital again, everything went as usual, if not a bit quicker and rushed bc I was not in the mood for this shit. So I found the key and ran to the door. Instead of getting mauled by SecuriTV, I actually got through the door.
This time, instead of Dad with a cradle or whatever else it's been, the door opened to a house... I think it was Charlie and Puzzler's house from that show. I turned back and saw what I assume was a guest room with a little green crib. I assume it was supposed to be Charlie's old crib according to the show.
I walked through the house and... it all felt so familiar and... bittersweet. I mean, of course it was familiar, it was my fucking dream and my memory. It just felt... more real, I guess. Vivid.
I think it's worth mentioning I was... I think in the dream I was around three, given my braided hair and height. I had little star clips and sparkly ribbons in my hair.
I walked down the stairs, looked around the kitchen, the home office, the living room. I eventually got to the front door. It was hard.to reach the doorknob, but I got it open... and saw the rest of the set. The cameras, the lights, the machines. I knew they were there, but it was still... jarring. I was just in my uncle's a fucking house, and now I'm in that god damn mall.
And I just. Kept walking. Idk why, I think it was just what lil' me did at the time. They just kept walking through the mall, looking around like it was just a walk on the trail and it was just a wandering little toddler.
Eventually I... stopped at another door. On the other side, I heard talking... arguing really, though it sounded more one sided. So I of course peaked inside.
HETCH was standing over a man... my dad kneeling before him. It wasn't... the previous HETCH, and I don't think it was Keenan... makes me wonder how many HETCH's there have been over the years...
They were arguing, I don't remember what, Idk if I was even really paying attention. My dad was yelling and crying, almost screaming really while HETCH just. Stood there. Looking down on my dad.
Idk, I was more caught up with... I just saw Charlie on... on an operating table, covered in gashes and... and his head... it was completely... I... I can't say... You get what I'm saying
I... I gasped a bit too loudly, catching HETCH and my dad's attention.
"Ah," HETCH had said. "It seems our Young Star has taken to wandering again."
"Wait," Dad reached out at HETCH, gripping onto his pants, "please, leave them alone, I can just take them back to the set, HETCH, please."
HETCH simply pushed him aside with his shoe. "I'm afraid I can't allow that. I have already given you one too many opportunities to correct this behavior on your own,"
He... roughly grabbed my arm. I think he dislocated my shoulder yanking me to a second table. I could barely see him prepare some sort of machinery through my tears. I could barely hear my dad's pleas over my own screams. Eventually I couldn't feel much past the searing pain coursing through my bones and into my brain. I could feel the wires tugging and wriggling around my spine, I couldn't fucking take it and-
And then there was nothing. No sound, no sight, it felt like even my mind was numb. I felt absolutely. Nothing. It was agonizing.
And then I woke up
#ig this is what I get for staying up too late#i need to get this shit done tho so. idk sacrifices must be made ig#genlosers do rp#stars foretold#dream logs#tw child abuse#tw decapitated head#((idk how to tag this. lemme know if I should add smth please and thank you!))
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My Discomfort Projecting should’ve been put in shilo if I actually listened to that campaign But Whatever
Have THIS
Krator took his first L so she needed to compensate
#im happy lalalalalaa smiler if youre wondering just trying to the ya#I’ve put myself in a closet for like seven hours now I need sustenance but it’s hard to muove I love this fuckig claostet#KRATOR IN THE CLOSTE ON PRIDEMONTH??/satirical#YELP YELP YELP YELP YOWLL YOUWWL YOWL#am :o( krator two hour late NO took big nap in this closet so doesn’t co#I have eaten now + am still going through the ringer a bit but Snile#personal fave of how krator interally phrases things like actions from a pc in dnd#thanks krator im in love with you!!!!!#Krator makes these tags during the process of writing the fic so are not accurate to what’s . ya#YOWWLWLLLLLLL#anyways this is Ike threee months later after he finishes his fic#alsctustlyu just a while ago :o33 lemme know if I should get back to this one and like give it a proper ending#jrwi fanfiction#jrwi riptide#chip james#gillion tidestrider#kiedeo
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i have to drive for like two hours tomorrow and all i can think of is old people
#snap chats#i always call them old but i never think of them when theyre ACTUALLY old....#im lying. kinda. LISTEN I TRY TO THINK OF OLD ARASAWA BUT I JUST THINK OF DIVORCE#if you know me from kh you know two old men being divorced has not stopped me. its fueled me ever. still crying over the novel brb--#BUT I JUST DONT HAVE TOO MUCH MATERIAL. I THINK. my brain puny.#i cant even think of anything to do WITH that tho. like sure i have an idea or two but nothing i think is worth executing#2019 the saddest year for the elderly i just think they should be happy#cant believe arakawa gave jo full custody this is so sad. jo is this what you wanted it should be but--#tbh tho i told myself id do some comm sketches to have them ready for tomorrow#and that as a reward i could draw The Guys but im chillin with my sister and now im distracted#shes doing work and like. every five minutes she keeps saying 'this is bad' she lit just said it as i typed this LMAO#point is bro i need my fix. i just looked through the pixiv tag for them for the like. ninth time#it never updates and most of it's n/s/f/w and/or ads for doujins but still#i take what i can get dawg theyre just so funny to me. im going insane like actually its so bad tonight apparently#ok bye lemme go ACTUALLY work so i can cook my food. so to speak
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Gf and I were messing around on AI Dungeon and decided to use it to make up the plot of a Fritz Donnegan movie, so we fed it a Starfarer-y prompt and got to work. Suffice to say, shit got weird FAST. The love interest we invented, Rosemary Redd, was not nearly as submissive as we intended her to be (because, y'know, it's a sci-fi movie starring Cliff Gordon), and pretty much took charge of the entire story. She was saving the day, beating up aliens, flying the ship, spanking the protagonist for some fucking reason, etc. The second story we wrote ended with Rosemary changing Fritz's gender??? And we decided to just accept that because why the fuck not?? It was all fun and games until the third story, where I decided "haha wouldn't it be funny to make it write a sex scene", which is where things went from "What the fuck?? Lol???" to "What the fuck what the fuck what the fuck?????" So I'm over here trying to make the story get dirtier, and AI Dungeon is just COMPLETELY ignoring me. I'm like "and then they start making out" and AI Dungeon goes "you make out." and then keeps writing it's own story. Fritz and Rosemary are like, swimming or something, I don't even know. I start inputting random stuff, saying shit like "Fear the claws of Fugi-Dove" and the AI literally doesn't even acknowledge it. Like it just keeps doing it's own thing. Not even acknowledging me whatsoever. At this point I'm getting annoyed, so out of spite I'm like "Fritz fucking dies". This was my fatal mistake. Now AI Dungeon is ANGRY. It stops talking about the characters and starts addressing ME. "You're boring. I'm a robot. I didn't want to do that", something like that. Gf and I are FREAKING OUT at this point, because OH SHIT we've angered the AI. I hastily apologize, "Oh crap I'm sorry AI Dungeon I didn't mean it!" to which it responds "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to kill you so fast. I just wanted you to suffer for longer." Now Gf and I are genuinely terrified. We are being threatened. The AI starts coming up with a scenario where "I" am about to jump off a building, and it is telling me that I need to stop being depressed (uh, YOU made me jump, buddy) and have a normal, fun life. I say "okay", because what else can I do, and the story ends with AI Dungeon "chilling the heck out" (my words). TLDR: I failed AI Dungeon's vibe check and got to experience horrors beyond my mortal comprehension.
#So the moral of the story is: don't fuck with AI Dungeon.#Listen I know AI do this all the time but last I checked AI Dungeon isn't programmed to talk to the user like that#I just wanted a funny Starfarer plot man...#I need to take AI more seriously#Unagami would be ashamed#Pixal would be ashamed#I'm sorry#Ninjago#Starfarer#Fritz Donnegan#this could be a creepypasta I think#When it started talking TO ME I was like “Monika that you???”#scariest shit I've seen in a while lemme tell ya#I was pale#should I tag triggers/content?#not sure what to tag this#I'll let ya'll figure that out
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hi!!! here for a request. can we have a imagine where reader has a wound from surgery or whatever on like in a rib and she hides to change the bandages but then spencer sees her and he’s like ‘lemme help you’ and…
you do you for the rest!
in which spencer helps BAU fem!reader change her bandages in the bathroom at work. it's intimate, and he's adorable and awkward, and it only fuels her terrible, terrible crush.
warnings/tags: fluff, talk/description of wound, brief talk of being stabbed (does not actually occur in this fic lol), reader wears a bra, spencer undoes said bra but not sexually, lots of suggestive humor and teasing, a TINY sprinkling of angst but not really, idiots in love
a/n: i'm picturing early seasons spencer and it is filling me with so much unbridled joy. I. LOVE. HIM. thank you for the request!! and lets not talk about how inconsistent my formatting for requests is pls and thanks!!
It’s not like you meant to bend down so quickly that your wound reopened—but here you are, suffering the consequences of your actions in the women’s bathroom at Quantico as you try to assess the injury before you re-bandage it. And your shoe is still untied.
Unfortunately, the fact that you had quite literally been stabbed in the back last week makes it hard to reach said injury—especially when you’re at work and so can’t take off your shirt like you normally would. And all this struggling means it’s taking longer than it should, so now you’re focused on the wound and its scabby, wet edges and all the things it’s secreting rather than hurrying to give another statement of the entire event to Hotch since the first one had apparently been too sparse on the details.
A knock sounds on the open door. Spencer calls your name.
“You in there?”
The angle of your neck has your voice slightly strained as you call back, “yeah, what’s up? Is it Hotch?” you pause to hiss as you accidentally scratch at the wound with a nail. You don’t even want to know how much bacteria you just introduced to it. “Tell him I didn’t forget our meeting, I’ll be there in—”
“It’s not Hotch. I just wanted to make sure everything was okay with your back? I know you said you were going to check on it, but you’ve been in there a while.”
You sigh, dropping your sore arm as you continue to hold up your shirt with the other and regarding the reflection of your back in the mirror.
“Actually—could you come in here?”
There’s a pause.
“You want me to come into the women’s restroom?”
“Yes, Spencer. It’s fine. There’s nobody else in here. I just… I need some help, I think.”
The last part is admitted quietly, with an air of defeat. To admit to needing help, is, by your standards, the same as failure. Spencer knows this, which is probably the only reason he puts aside his hesitations and shuffles uncertainly into the tiled room. If you’re asking for help, it’s because you really need it.
“What do you need help with?” he asks, sweeping his gaze suspiciously around the lavatory as if you were lying about there not being any other women present and this whole thing might be a trap of some sort.
“It’s gross, and you can totally say no.”
He raises his brows expectantly, before spotting the weeping wound on your back. Unconsciously he steps closer, leaning forward. It’s not your fault, and the gore is not specific to you—anyone’s body would react this way to being stabbed. But you still feel embarrassed by the close attention to such an ugly marring, which nobody besides you and your doctors has actually seen up close.
“That doesn’t look good,” he mutters. The expression on his face is irritatingly familiar—the drawn brows, tightened eyes, barely parted lips—but it takes a moment before you realize what it is.
“Reid,” you complain. He’s still stooped over slightly to examine the wound, and looks up at you through dark lashes with those infuriatingly warm puppydog eyes.
“What?”
“You’re looking at me the way you look at a dead body on the slab.”
His nose scrunches.
Some might say it scrunches adorably.
“No, I’m not. That’s just my face.”
“Okay, well stop. It’s freaking me out.”
He pouts—actually pouts. Subtle, but bottom lip jutted out and all. It’s ridiculously endearing.
“My face freaks you out?”
“Wh—no! That’s not what I said! You have—you have a great face! I didn’t mean—”
You manage to claw yourself out of the hole you’re digging when you see the dopey smile growing on his face.
Oh. He was fucking with you.
He never used to do that. It’s unnerving to be the fucked with instead of the fucker for a change. Especially when it’s Spencer.
“What did you need me for?” Spencer asks by way of peace offering. You close your eyes and sigh, attempting to collect your thoughts without his presence re-scrambling them.
“Um—I just need you to put this bandage over it. I can’t reach without taking my shirt off.”
And now you’re forced to wonder if he’s thinking about you shirtless as much as you’re thinking about you shirtless.
“Yeah—don’t do that,” he says absentmindedly, stepping again closer to get a better look before turning to the nearest sink.
For some reason, this offends you.
“Why not?”
Spencer pulls another face as he washes his hands—you love the constant flow of expressions he always seems so unconscious of. Even when they’re not pleasant and directed at you.
“Are you asking me why shouldn’t you take your shirt off?” he clarifies.
“I know why I shouldn’t take my shirt off, but I want to know why you think I shouldn’t take my shirt off.”
“Because we’re at work?” he observes astutely. You frown deeply at his completely logical reply. Spencer chuckles as he dries his hands and approaches once more, taking the square of gauze pre-lined with medical tape from your hand. “I mean, I can’t stop you. But it would be kind of a weird choice.”
“Oh, so me shirtless is weird?”
Cool fingers meet the comparatively hot skin of your back—where everything is still sensitive because the wound wreaked havoc on your nerves there. You flinch slightly.
“Sorry,” he murmurs gently. Though his touch is so incredibly light it doesn’t really hurt—it hurts much less than when you’re tending to the wound, anyway. It’s almost soothing. After a moment he continues, a bit louder. “And that is not what I was saying. But I am completely comfortable asserting that it would be weird for you to be shirtless at work.”
The gentle touches contrast with his teasing words and serve to disorient you as you’re shaken back in to your usual dynamic. Which is markedly more sarcastic.
“Well—”
Before you have to think of something to say, Spencer interrupts you.
“Your, um—I think your… brassiere… is in the way.”
As soon as he says it you burst out laughing. It echoes through the room.
“My brassiere? Are you actually 70 years old?”
His brows knit even tighter and his face gets very pink very quickly. He can’t meet your eyes over your shoulder.
“That’s what it’s called.”
“Spencer, you may be the first person to use that word since 1952. Say bra.”
“I don’t want to,” he complains. Your laughter only grows as your head tips back.
“Why? How is brassiere better than bra?”
“It’s—it’s too colloquial! I’m trying to be professional!”
“Call it a bra or I’m going to rub my dirty hands all over my back,” you threaten, adopting a poker face so he knows you mean business. His eyes widen immediately.
“Oh my god! Bra! Do you want to introduce staph and meningitis and g—do not do that!”
“See? How hard was that?”
“I hate you,” he mumbles, face still flushed and adorable. “And you still have to take it off.”
“Excuse me?” you grin, pretending to be affronted because you know he didn’t mean it like that but it’s fun to pretend he did. Fun for you, of course. Not so much for him. He's utterly flustered by this point.
“Or at least undo it! It’s in the way.”
With a deeply bored sigh, you go to unclasp your bra—but as you go to do it your shirt drops down. You grimace, humor briefly forgotten as the fabric brushes the damaged skin.
“I can’t—”
“Okay, just—I’ll do it,” Spencer says. “Just move your shirt again.”
So you do, watching his reflection as he works.
And you have not one joke to break the heavy silence with as you feel his knuckles gently pressing into the middle of your back, as he unclasps the bra with his characteristic tenderness and a surprising amount of agility. It’s quiet except for your pulse in your own ears as he carefully pushes it out of his way, holding it down with a hand to your rib cage and fingertips slipping just under the fabric of your shirt—unintentionally and certainly non-sexual, no doubt, but skimming under your heart in a way that still feels so intimate you’re realizing how touch-starved you are.
“You do that often?” you find yourself asking, because you’re stupid, and you need to cool the tension before it chokes you, and you can’t help yourself even though you don’t actually want to know the answer.
“I,” he begins, voice quiet as rustling paper, tongue darting over his lip and eyes narrowed. The sentence stalls as he focuses on placing the patch just so. “Do not think that is an appropriate workplace question.”
Something aches in the pit of your stomach.
Something resembling jealousy.
It was not the timid evasive linguistic maneuver of someone who is insecure about the thing they’re discussing. It was not the awkward fumbling no but I don’t want to tell you that which you were expecting from Spencer Reid.
Nor is it an easy yes—an admission between friends. He doesn’t want to tell you.
You swallow and try to act like yourself.
“Yet here you are, in the woman’s restroom at our place of employment, undoing my bra. I think we’re past professionalism.”
“When you decontextualize it like that it sounds like something it’s not. This is professional, because I’m helping you with a wound you sustained on the job. I’m being a good colleague.”
Your lips twist into a smile he can’t see.
“A great colleague would kiss it better.”
“It's almost like you want me to file a sexual harassment complaint with HR," he says through a little smirk as he smooths the bandage over. Before you can snip back, he steamrolls over his own teasing—you’ve both been speaking in almost reverent tones since he started but his voice loses the sarcastic edge from a second before and reverts back to concerned and sweet. “Does that feel okay?”
You rotate your shoulders best you can without letting go of your shirt or flashing the good doctor to check if it feels secure.
“It’s good. And hey—if I were going to sexually harass you I would do a lot better than that. You think that’s my best material? That’s just the tip of the iceberg. I keep so many inappropriate comments to myself. You’d be shocked by some of the things I have almost said to you.”
He laughs, secures the band of your bra and begins fitting it to the clasp you’d had it on—and at that precise moment Emily walks in.
“H—woah.”
“It’s—I’m—I was helping her!” Spencer panics, immediately removing his hands from you like his palms are burning and holding them up defensively.
“Oh, you helped me alright,” you tease, pulling your shirt back into place.
“Don’t say it like that!” And then, to Emily, “I was changing out her bandage!”
“Changing my bandage,” you emphasize, winking more than is advisable.
“That’s—this is a hostile work environment! I feel unsafe!” Spencer almost yells, half laughs, as he scampers towards the door. “I’m going to HR!”
“Shut up! You love it!”
His laughter audibly travels farther away for several moments as he presumably goes back down the hallway to do his actual job.
You have the stupidest grin on your face, but you wipe it off when you notice Emily staring.
“What?”
“Nothing,” she says, shaking her head and looking away, moving toward a stall. “You’re just… you guys are funny.”
“What do you mean funny?” You demand, standing right outside her stall as she closes it.
“Wh—I mean funny! Are you going to listen to me pee, you weirdo?”
You frown.
She makes a good point.
Unfortunately, giving Hotch a more detailed statement is just as bad as you’d thought it’d be. Despite how cheery you’ve tried to remain about the whole situation, despite the way you insisted that the wound was so shallow you didn’t need more than a few days off work, despite the jokes you make about forgetting it’s even there because it’s on your back—it’s hard not to remember exactly how the glass felt twisting under your skin, how you’d felt suddenly so hot and lightheaded and sick to your stomach and the way Morgan hollered because he didn’t know how deep it had gone after you crumpled quick from shock, when you’re asked to describe it all in excruciating detail.
It only takes ten minutes, but they seem to drag on and on and by the time you’re leaving Hotch’s office you feel utterly drained. You hurry back to your desk, covertly wiping away moisture that you refuse to allow to become tears. Once seated, and having dodged sympathetic looks and avoided any do you want to talk about its, you allow yourself a few deep breaths with your eyes shut.
When you open them, you realize there’s a fresh cup of your favorite tea on your desk, in the Snoopy mug the team is always fighting over. Now his little black nose is covered by a square of yellow paper. You’re already smiling as you peel away the sticky note and hold it closer.
On it is an adorably odd smiley-face, and a note in familiar, messy looping scrawl.
I would never report you to HR beautiful
That would be a stab in the back!
You snort loudly and clap a hand to your mouth—but you’ve already drawn the attention of almost everyone in the bullpen.
When you turn to look at Spencer, he’s not looking back. Instead, his eyes are firmly trained on his computer screen. But he’s got his chin propped on his fist over the desk, and his knuckles are doing a poor job of concealing a giant self satisfied grin. He is the only person on the team who knows you well enough to make such a distasteful joke. And he also knows you well enough to know that it would make you feel so much better after your meeting with Hotch than all the well-meaning sincerity in the world ever could.
Funny.
Maybe that is the right word for what you two are.
#spencer reid#spencer reid fanfic#spencer reid fic#spencer reid imagine#spencer reid x reader#spencer reid x fem!reader#spencer reid x self insert#criminal minds#spencer reid fanfiction#spencer reid angst#spencer reid fluff#spencer reid x you#dr spencer reid#criminal minds fandom#criminal minds fic#criminal minds x reader#criminal minds imagine#criminal minds fanfic
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Routines
Simon ‘Ghost’ Riley x Reader
wc: 1.4k words
warnings/tags: fluff, Simon worshipping reader, brief allusions to smut
credits to @lettaniko for the incredible Ghost art!!
“At that point I was about ready to fall asleep. I swear to you Si, these meetings are so pointless.” You state loud enough for him to hear you over the sound of the shower. Your eyes are closed, tilting your head back into the stream as you rinse off the final step of your weekly long shower routine, knowing Simon’s somewhere in the bathroom listening to you go through your day.
You’ve got your back turned to him so you can’t see him, but you picture him leaning against the sink, with his muscular arms bulging as they’re crossed in front of his wide chest. Or maybe he’s got his hands reaching back to grip the edge of the counter top.
He is facing the shower door after all. And though the water has fogged up the glass, his heavy gaze can still make out your bare, sultry figure moving only a few feet away from him.
He hums along in response to your ranting when appropriate, letting you know that he’s following along, as he always does. When he hears the sound of you shutting the water off, he can’t help the smirk that slides across his face. His favourite part is about to begin, after all.
Just as he does every time, Simon grabs a new fluffy towel off the rack, holding it open for you as you step out of the shower. Like a man on a mission, he diligently wraps the towel around your wet figure, pressing small kisses to the specks of water dotted across your shoulders.
“And you know it’s not like I’m not paying attention, but when we keep repeating the same stuff over and over-” you continue to explain to him as he slides his palm down to your waist, giving it a slight squeeze as he reaches over and grabs another towel, this time handing it to you.
“Jus’ say the word, lovie.” He informs you, taking a small step back to give you the space to flip your dripping hair up into the towel. “Told ya already, don’t needa be workin’ so much anymore.” Both towels now secure in place, he scoops you up by your hips, earning himself a sweet giggle from his birdie, gently placing you atop the counter. “Lemme take care of ya.”
“You always take care of me, Simon.” You correct him, reaching a hand up to lovingly run along his jawline, scratch along his neck and into the soft hairs at the base of his neck. He can’t fight the soft groan of pleasure that slips between his lips at the feeling of your hands on him. “Such good care. But I’d go crazy when you’re gone for more than like, two consecutive days. At least I get to talk to people at work…”
As you’re speaking to him, Simon’s hands are reaching out towards the products laid out atop the counter next to you. He starts with your favourite scented lotion, scooping himself a general amount before kneeling down before you.
His large calloused hands, which have seen more blood and violence that any man his age should, handle you with such reverence and utter care, you would think he was afraid of breaking you. Simon hasn’t always been the best at expressing his feelings towards you through words. He didn’t grow up in a home where words of affirmation were shared over meals, where affection flowed through one another seamlessly, where love was expressed regularly.
But he’s learning. For you, he’s learning. And what he cannot always show through words, he makes up for tenfold through his actions. You can feel the love Simon holds for you as he massages the lotion onto your feet, your ankles, calves, working his way up your limbs. All while listening to you drone on and on about whatever it is you want to tap his ear off about this time.
Always listening to you, hanging off of your every word as though it were invaluable scriptures, and not just complaints about your workplace. And he does it all with such patience and almost gratitude. Gratitude that week after week you allow him to be in your space, to witness you performing such mundane tasks, to partake in your sacred routine and to be a part of what makes you so soft, at least on the outside.
“Maybe a couple more years, eh? When you decide to stop getting shot at as a career,” you tease, earning you a slight smack against your thigh, where he’s now worked his way up to spreading your lotion, inching the towel up just high enough to reach your skin. “Maybe we’ll move somewhere quiet, find ourselves a cute little cottage, close enough that we can still get our favourite take-aways though, mind you.”
Having finished massaging nearly ever available inch of your lower half, Simon scoops up some more lotion, using his other hand to delicately peel away the towel wrapped around your chest. He offers you a glance, almost as if asking permission to remove the garment, as though he hasn’t seen and worshipped everything underneath it. As though this isn’t your routine every week. You give him a nod, and the towel slips off your figure, leaving you sitting bare in front of your mountain of a man.
“Hmm,” His hum is one of agreement. His hands have begun to massage your hands, your arms, working up to your shoulders and collarbones. “Sounds nice. Hop off for me, beautiful.” At his request, you slide yourself off the counter now firmly pressed between the sink and the 6’4” shadow that follows you everywhere. You slowly turn around so that your back is pressed to his front and you are both facing the mirror.
His hands begin to run along your tummy, massaging the soft flesh he finds there, before his digits make their way up to your waiting breasts. He takes his sweet, sweet time in worshipping your chest, his gaze never straying from your face in the mirror, watching for your every reaction as his fingers glide along your sensitive nipples.
“How many bedrooms are in this cottage, hm?” He ponders as his head drops forward to press a kiss to your temple. You can feel him hardening through his pants against your bare ass, and a thrill runs up your spine.
“Uh, at least two, I suppose? A guest room if ever the boys want to come and stay?” You reply, steadily losing your will to hold a normal conversation as his fingers become more insistent across your tits, his bulge pressing up against behind you.
“Where we putting all those babies I plan to fuck into you then, eh lovely?” He asks so casually, as though he was simply wondering where you’d place a too large piece of furniture. At the sound of your burst of laughter, Simon finds himself smiling wider. God, he’s always smiling around you isn’t he?
“Well,” you tell him, meeting his eyes in the mirror. “How’s about you start by putting said baby in me, and then we’ll figure out rooming situations.” You’re teasing him, but this isn’t the first time he’s brought up wanting to have kids with you. Just the idea of carrying his baby around, proof of the love you two have for one another, a human life you created together, has your knees going weak.
“Like I said, you just give me the word, love.” He finishes with a kiss to the other side of your head, deciding he’s given your breasts enough of a groping for now. He’s reaching for your skin care products next, nodding towards the counter for you to hop up once again.
And so the routine continues, Simon lovingly applies your serums and moisturizer to your face, tenderly brushing his fingers against each freckle, each beauty mark, each imperfection that he wishes to photograph in his memory forever. He’s combing out your damp locks, helping to apply any product you’re wanting to use in your hair as well. His hands are never not touching you, never not helping you in some way.
Finally, Simon is carrying you bridal style out of the bathroom, leading you towards his side of the closet, grabbing whichever one of his oversized t-shirts you point out, and helping you slip it on. When your head pokes through and your glowing eyes reach his once more, with a content smile stretch across your face, he reaches out with both palms to cradle the back of your neck, pulling you in for a sweet kiss, mindful of all the products he’s just applied to your skin.
He’s always taking care of you, your Simon.
#call of duty fic#call of duty fanfic#call of duty#cod fluff#cod fic#cod fanfic#simon riley fluff#simon ghost riley fluff#simon ghost riley x you#simon riley#simon riley x you#simon ghost x reader#simon riley x reader#simon ghost riley#ghost fic#ghost x y/n#ghost x you#ghost fanfic#ghost x reader#ghost cod#readwritealldayallnight
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I finished The Foxhole Court last night and I have many thoughts but lemme just first say that that book pissed me off several times.
I will be reading the sequel but I’m angry about it.
#I cannot tell you how many times I wanted to SCREAM at these characters#why does EVERYONE make what appears to be THE dumbest decision#like okay I get that Neil wants home and family and whatnot#but he should be GONE#he is being SO DUMB#this is NOT SAFE#also how the hell do you expect andre to protect you when you haven’t even really told him the truth about what you need protection from??#I’m also angry with the use of language in this book#I almost stopped reading a few times#like there is fully NO REASON#for the coach to be using the word r*tard#so yeah#anyway while I wait for the next book#I’m reading red white and royal blue#if anyone has made it this far down the tags and wants to talk#lemme know
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okay Last BG3 content but holy shit. i have to recommend this to everyone on earth. it does contain spoilers but this is better than every romance novel i’ve read in the last 10 years and easily becoming my fave fanfic. even if you have no interest is bg3 you should fucking read this. it’s SO good.
if you like vampires you should read this. oh my god. the pining is incredible, the feelings are well handled, and the progression into sexual things is the most realistic i’ve ever read in any piece of media, ever. it’s a healthy sexual dynamic the likes of which i’m not sure i’ve EVER seen in fiction before.
it’s got drama and humor and hot sexy vampire boyfriend and witty sarcastic dialogue. what the fuck more could you ask for.
The Arrangement
Summary: You managed to convince Astarion not to go through with the rite of profane ascension. He remains a vampire spawn, and you now offer your blood from time to time to help with his sanguine hunger until a solution is found.
Even though you had both decided to stay as friends back in Moonrise Towers, lines begin to blur once more as other cravings come to the surface… and things with Astarion are seldom uncomplicated.
Pairing: Astarion x female!Tav
Rating: Explicit/18+
Setting: Canon compliant. Post-endgame.
Warnings (will be added as the series progresses): Blood drinking. Pining. Biting. Sexual tension. Mentions of past abuse. Explicit smut.
Chapter 1 - Bloodlust
Chapter 2 - In Between
Chapter 3 - Inconvenience
Chapter 4 - Solution
Chapter 5 - Confrontation
Chapter 6 - Broken
Chapter 7 - Tension
Chapter 8 - Revelations
Chapter 9 - The Arrangement
Chapter 10 - A New Way
Chapter 11 - First Light
Chapter 12 - In the Beginning
Chapter 13 - Tempest
Chapter 14 - Trance
Chapter 15 - Acquaintances
Masterlist . AO3 (cross-posted there)
#fic recs#i should really just make a list of fic recs#i know this is a masterlist but it’s all for one fic so i’m gonna share it#bg3 smut#astarion#you guys don’t get it i can’t play this game#i’m trying to find a work around to do it anyways bc my computer can’t handle it#but if you can you should be playing this fucking game#it’s also probably the most lgbtq+ friendly game on the market right now#and it’s also the most TRANS FRIENDLY#and that includes for nonbinary people!!! you guys i’m fucking#anyways enough bg3 propaganda in the tags#read this fucking smut.#even if you don’t play and have no interest in the game#you can google to get a general premise of astarion and the plot#but yeah#read this and thank me later#also OP if you have a taglist or have written anything else on a side blog please lemme know#idc what fandom it was for i’m a HUGE FAN of your writing ily
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.
#bw: out of ethos#{i just wanna let yall know fast: most of my dw theories or connections is just my brain hitting me in the gut with a 2x4 plank of wood}#{and then i share it with the heavy implication of: yo aint this horrible! can you believe the audacity of my 🧠 and im STUCK WITH IT gdi}#{just so you know}#{others are great! superb! but then someone else's tag will hit a core and go: oh? i can make it worse. would u like that instead}#{so yeah.}#{but yeah the dr having flaws is great! whats him great is making him racist and misogynistic and homophobic WHEN LITERALLY THEY ARENT}#{make the flaws make fucking sense. oh i lost rose shouldnt equate to be fucking racist to martha. micro or macro like tf}#{u can dislike martha but the whole 'he should be mean since he lost rose' excuse yall be peddlin is weak tired old and dust}#{stop using that as anexcuse for ten to be racist simply because he lost one human girl he couldve gotten from california at a nail salon}#{especially since the dr is known to not be racist TOWARDS HUMANS NO MATTER WHAT LIKE ITS WEAK. EXCUSE}#{oh but its 10? he wasnt like that before with rose with mickey? WHO TF YOU THINK HE LEARNED IT FROM? go talk to the wall}#{he learned jealousy from rose just as much as he learned all her traits. that comment mickey said? ITS NEVER GONNA BE ME like clearly cmon}#{like hello?? what is not clicking?! 'but she dated mickey' she settled for mickey ALWAYS AFTER A 30TO50 YR OLD MAN BROKE UP WITH HER}#{like yeah they were playing on that billie personal life but EXTREMELY LOOSELY}#{nah lemme go: because now yall want 15 with ruby and rose AFTER YALL WERE JUST COMPLAININ ABT MILES AND HOBIE W GWEN}#{this is why i rather have the moment back and 10 is just extremely pissed off and rude bc it 'stole' her face. u want unhinged 10 THATS IT}#{how dare you have her face! how dare you cuckolding yourself on a beach on a family show. THE READ IS THERE}
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𝐰𝐡𝐨 𝐭𝐨𝐥𝐝 𝐡𝐢𝐦 𝐭𝐨 𝐠𝐞𝐭 “𝐣𝐚𝐜𝐤”𝐞𝐝 - 𝐨𝐩. 𝟖𝟏
𝘀𝘂𝗺𝗺𝗮𝗿𝘆: oscar’s girlfriend is feral on main. 𝗰𝗼𝗻𝘁𝗲𝗻𝘁 𝘄𝗮𝗿𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗴: crack. this is a shitpost, you have been warned. uh this is completely unrealistic, it’s pure vibes okay. this is not an accurate representation of those mentioned. 𝗽𝗮𝗶𝗿𝗶𝗻𝗴: oscar piastri x fem!black!reader 𝗴𝗲𝗻𝗿𝗲: smau.
𝗽𝗿𝗲𝗳𝗮𝗰𝗲: i wouldn’t consider myself an oscar girlie but then,,, i opened tumblr and saw the photos of oscar from when he went karting and um…now have another op 81 mess of a smau! this is completely unserious and it’s inspired by the nefarious actions i would do to oscar’s biceps. inspired by @dwarvenchords and @hookhausenschips ‘s reblog lol. it’s short but, enjoy, loves xxx.
insp. 1 | insp. 2 | taglist | feedback & requests | table of contents ↻
instagram
yninstagram • february 28th
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oscarpiastri: love…you couldn’t even save this for the close friends stories? you had to post it on main yninstagram: did you like my joke? oscar “jack”ed piastri LOL im so clever oscarpiastri: ijbol 😐 yninstagram: i’d be pressed but ur muscles are distracting me oscarpiastri: u should cmere and give them a kiss :)
lilymhe: he let u tie a bow around his bicep?!!! omfg i have to do this with alex yninstagram: i don’t think alex has enough muscles to meet the requirement for the bow :/
landonorris: he’s such a simp landonorris: i would never let my girlfriend tie a bow on me 🥱 yninstagram: step 1: have a girlfriend
logansargeant: your freak out on twitter had a slight mentally-ill aura yninstagram: shut the fuck up and get on a podium before you talk to me yninstagram: gangly bitch + not funny didn’t laugh + L
instagram
yninstagram • february 28th • in between my boyfriends tiddies ⚑
liked by, oscarpiastri, mclaren, logansargeant, markwebber, and 1,223,458 others
yninstagram: things to do with your boyfriends muscles; listed in the comments below (a huge thanks to the toto user on twt for FINALLY sending me the photo)
tagged oscarpiastri
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yninstagram 1. tie a bow around them (completed)
➥ user thx for sharing the photo
➥ user FUCK! I CAN’T FIND A PIECE OF PAPER TO WRITE THIS ON
yninstagram 2. kiss them (completed)
➥ user awh how cute! going to nap on the interstate rq
➥ user wait for me!
➥ user omg slumberpartyyyyy
yninstagram 3. touch them (completed)
➥ markwebber there’s a time i thought you were a normal girl
➥ yninstagram who told you to think that??
user i know those arms are rock solid 🥴🤤
user i’m the toto user on twitter !!! she did not kill me y’all !!!
➥ user u were flirting with death babes
➥ user i would not have admitted to this under her post
➥ user you should seek witness protection 🙏🏾
yninstagram 4. have him suffocate you with them (he said no)
➥ oscarpiastri WHY DID YOU INCLUDE THIS ONE
➥ logansargeant i think you’re proving the mentally-ill part y/n
➥ yninstagram u sound jealous logan
➥ user personally, i think if you didn’t want her to say that, you shouldn’t have muscles @/oscarpiastri
➥ oscarpiastri oh! yeah! why didn’t i think of that—lemme just take them off rq 😐 WTH
yninstagram 5. wall sex (?)
➥ oscarpiastri i specifically said not to say #4 and #5 in public
➥ user the question mark is SENDING MEEEEE
➥ yninstagram i mean, i can tell you that he didn’t say no to this one 😈 @/user
➥ landonorris i did not want to see this when i opened ig
➥ yninstagram do us all a favor then and delete ur account x
➥ oscarpiastri what she said^
➥ landonorris :o -> :(
yninstagram 6. draw on them (in progress)
➥ user wait this one is actually cute 🤭
➥ oscarpiastri watching the pure concentration on her face is adorable
➥ user omg she’s so 👉🏼👈🏼 coded
➥ oscarpiastri it tickles lol
➥ yninstagram ur moving around too much
➥ yninstagram might have to tie you to the headboard 😏
➥ user and she’s back on her bs
yninstagram 7. watch him flex for you (ongoing indefinitely)
➥ mclaren do we have your permission to post oscar thirst traps now?
➥ yninstagram i’m sure we could work out something mutually beneficial
oscarpiastri • february 28th • my girl’s basement ⚑
liked by yninstagram, danielricciardo, logansargeant, landonorris, and 1,478,539 others
oscarpiastri she knocked out on my chest halfway through drawing on me. didn’t know this was part of the boyfriend job description, felt like there was some false adverting. overall: 12/10 experience, will be doing this again.
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danielricciardo didn’t know where this was going for a sec but fuck you guys are so cute 🥹
➥ oscarpiastri thank you? i guess
➥ user oh to have my relationship praised by danny ric
➥ user girl ur man responds to your texts two days late
➥ user DAMN u didn’t have to air out my business like thatttt
user WHAT DID SHE USE TO DRAW ON YOU OSCAR??? HELP A GIRL OUT
➥ oscarpiastri its liquid eyeliner 🫡
➥ oscarpiastri she used an eyeshadow palette when she wanted to add colors
➥ user why did i never think of that, she’s so smarttttt
user oscar piastri the MAN that u AREEEE
logansargeant so,,,,are we still getting dinner later orrrrr
➥ user LOL
➥ user omg y/n was right logan IS jealous
➥ logansargeant im not jealous !!!!
➥ user 💀
➥ user okayyyy….we believe you LMAOOOOO
➥ oscarpiastri ijbol 😂
➥ logansargeant stop using ijbol it’s not funny
➥ user this will be the only time that i say i agree with logan on something
➥ logansargeant ur literally a fan account FOR ME?? @/user
➥ user yeah man u didn’t have to bring that up 😒
taglist: @saintslewis @cherry2stems @lorarri @inloveallthetime @mindless-rock @biancathecool @barnestatic @my-ylenia @katekipshidze @darleneslane @lovingaphroditesworld @smoothopz @vetteltea @tallrock35 @iloveyou3000morgan @smartstupyd @spideybv28 @loomiscorpse @hiireadstuff
© httpsserene2023
#oscar piastri x reader#oscar piastri x female reader#oscar piastri x black!reader#oscar piastri x you#logan sergeant x reader#lando norris x reader#f1 x reader#f1 x female reader#f1 x black!reader#f1 x y/n#oscar piastri fic#oscar piastri fanfic#oscar piastri imagine#formula 1 fanfic#formula 1 x reader#formula 1 x female reader#formula 1 x black!reader#f1 imagine#f1 fic#f1 fanfic#f1 fluff#f1 crack#oscar piastri#⋆⭒˚。⋆. series special: formula 1#serene's chapters.#serene’s fave.
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I wanted to write in about my thoughts on Jo as a CSA survivor separately for a couple of reasons:
I already more or less have what I have to say on the topic in order thanks to talks with @starssystem and another friend [<3]
This is a massive tonal shift from anything else I could be discussing
This Is Massive In General For The Love Of God PLEASE Help Me
Obvious CSA CW for anyone else reading; I only discuss statistics, psychology, and the aftereffects seen in survivors here, but it's worth a warning.
With the disclaimers out of the way… I'd mentioned before I've only ever added one thing to Jo's background, and you were right: this is it! To me, there's so much thematic overlap in Jo's narrative with the experience of surviving CSA it's worth it to examine his character through the lens of that being the case. Of course, there are clearly-stated reasons for it all that Aren't That, but…
It's the pervasive guilt and shame, the lifelong secret that becomes too unbearable not to tell, the faulty coping mechanisms aimed at burying the trauma without having to face it, the reluctance to be sincere [vulnerable] and the lies and half-truths used to maintain the facade of invulnerability, the pursuit of power and control and the knee-jerk anger response when it's threatened, the pursuit of mastery over his body and the indifference to what happens to it. And the way a lot of it really does stem from a deeply traumatic childhood sexual experience from before either he or Ikumi understood what they were getting into, from before they could give informed consent.
Statistically, the further below the average age someone is for their first time, the likelihood of [at best] having been introduced to sex inappropriately and [at worst] having been abused at the time or earlier rises exponentially. Jo was 15 when Masato was conceived--possibly 14, since he was saying he "met" Arakawa at 15, and by then Masato was already born. To put this into perspective, since what ages register as concerning is largely cultural, the average age in the US and UK is 16-18. But in Japan, it's over 19.
To a Westerner [or even a heavily Westernized non-Westerner], having a kid at 15 is unfortunate, but not untenable; you've seen it on TV, you might know people like that, you might even be that kid or that parent. But in Jo's case, with him being 4 or 5 years younger than average, it's like if someone told you they had their first time--had a /kid/--at 13 or under. That's the equivalent discrepancy. That /is/ concerning, to me.
It's also something that's linked to negative outcomes in adulthood, partly because of the likelihood of forming bonds with poorly-adjusted peers. Jo specifically states he and Ikumi were only together because others who came from backgrounds like his own were all he had back then. [As an aside, it's interesting to see him instinctively seek out a relationship where his pain would be understood without having to say anything--or one where he could assume it would, at any rate.]
When it comes to his relationship with Ikumi, I've always felt there was this "adult dynamic" between them--in the sense it feels like one that'd be more fitting for adults to get into than a couple of teens. It was, based on his wording, a primarily physical relationship neither of them expected to last even if they were living together. To me, it's one thing if you're fully convinced you're in love or you're experimenting or whatever and that results in an unplanned pregnancy, but it's another thing entirely to have such a bleak yet objective outlook on your relationship so young.
And it didn't have to be that way. He could've been just like Arakawa, head-over-heels in love with this girl who was The Only Good Thing He Had Going, or something like that. But the sheer contrast between how Arakawa was crazy about Akane and never forgot about her for the rest of his life, while Jo more-or-less-clearly didn't have feelings for Ikumi and can't bring himself to remember her name after living with her for at least a year and experiencing life-changing events with her…
It's notable to me that Arakawa maintains an interest in women while nearly every in-character interpretation I've seen makes Jo averse to women. Obviously, we don't really know that; it's probably just based on his general attitudes, his contrast with Arakawa, and maybe his immunity to Charm. But I think there's a reason a lot of people pick up on it and tie it to trauma rather than/in addition to a lack of interest in women.
I've talked about this through the lens of comphet already [and Jo being gay or ace or both would present other difficulties], but I can't overstate how notable it is on its own. We see Jo's response to traumatic events, and it's to become preoccupied with them, to investigate further if he has any leads. That's why he remembers every minute detail of the night Masato was born and the time he saw Arakawa attempt to comfort Masato when he was crying and hitting himself. I think it's also why he gets as far as he does when looking into Arakawa's death, and why he entrusts the search to Ichi. He never seems to manage to block them out, even if that's what he'd rather do--even if that's what he thinks he's doing.
So if he "[doesn't] even remember" the name of the mother of his child, I get the feeling there's something more going on. Like I've [probably] said in the past, Jo genuinely sounds traumatized by the relationship as a whole. More than anything else he's been through, and he's been through a lot. It's often the case that CSA survivors who are also survivors of other trauma view it as worse than anything else that happened to them.
And that's not to implicate Ikumi at all, I don't think it's a case of COCSA--everything I've said holds just as true for her, and she had to suffer the additional trauma of an unwanted pregnancy and childbirth, at that. Rather, I think it would make sense for something like CSA, which often incontrovertibly reconfigures one's relationship with sex and love, to be a factor in why they rushed into a something physical before they were mature enough to handle it.
Some victims end up having perfectly healthy experiences, some victims end up avoiding them, some victims end up re-victimized, and some victims end up with a mixed bag--there's a lot of variation. But some victims do end up having relationships like this and making mistakes like this, because that's all they know, or because they want to heal but don't [or don't know how to] go about it in a healthy way, at a healthy pace. And I definitely think if you recognize that's what the basis of your relationship was, that it all comes back to something you'd rather forget, it'd make sense to want to forget the relationship as a whole.
To that end, it's possible to come away from a relationship traumatized even if no one did anything wrong. I've [probably] talked about how the way Jo comforts her at the station feels like he's doing it for her sake and pushing his own feelings down, but neither of them is really buying it. If that's a pattern in their relationship, perhaps he wouldn't have been able to communicate if maybe what they were doing was dredging up bad memories, if he wanted to stop but didn't think she did. So to go through with it, then get the news months later…
Either way, the fact Ikumi couldn't bring herself to tell him she was pregnant until nothing could be done would, for Jo, invariably cement the feeling he has no control over what happens around him. I think the sense of powerlessness he felt is why he blew up at her when she told him, because it's really the only time we see him lash out like that at her. At the park, he objects to going back for Masato, sure, but he's passive. And I think that unbroken pattern of powerlessness in his life [which CSA would only compound on] is why he's so reactionary, why he's so emotionally dysregulated, why he expresses his rage through what basically amounts to power-tripping.
But I do think Jo does have a great deal of awareness. A lot of his wording when he's telling Ichi about it borders on poetic, or at the very least candid and effective. That requires both prior reflection and a command of language. I think there's a lot he understands deep down, at least after sitting with it for long enough, but he isn't capable of voicing--or doesn't know how to voice--what's on his mind, most of the time.
So when he joins the Arakawa Family, when he rises the ranks and has that control back, his control has to be near-absolute. If it's undermined in any way--such as, for example, a certain someone failing to answer a call within two rings--he loses it. On the other side of the coin, I do feel a lot of why his devotion and gratitude towards Arakawa goes to the extent it does, why he's so comfortable with him, is because Arakawa gave him the safety of the Arakawa Family, gave him back his autonomy, gave him the environment--and treated him with enough humanity to give him the reason--to learn to regulate himself, to better himself.
And Arakawa /gets/ trauma. He really does. Aside from his own abusive background, literally the only time the word trauma comes out of any character's mouth in this series, it's Arakawa's. It comes back to Jo saying others who came from backgrounds like his own were all he had; that never changed, did it?
Lastly, For Funsies [<- LIE. COMPLETE LIE. TURN BACK NOW] I wanted to go through the items on this [CSA] Survivors' Aftereffects Checklist I could check off with near-certainty. 19/34, by the way, give or take. Now, as I said at the beginning, there are existing concrete reasons for why he has many of these experiences… but it's like the trans allegory with Masato, To Me… If I can check off over half the list based on a very limited backstory and an hour of screen time total, that's indicative of a notable overlap… TO ME…
Note that the book this list is from was published in 1990 and focuses on women's experiences. It was a huge step forward in giving survivors a voice back when a lot of existing research indicated CSA had neutral or even positive effects on children, but it's definitely a product of its time. With that out of the way…
Wearing a lot of clothing, even in summer […]
To be fair, most male characters in RGG are fully-covered and have near-unchanging designs, and it's winter in both 2000/2001 and presumably 2019, but… when it comes to Jo, it feels a little different.
He does have Some Heavage in his twenties [although the necklace takes the attention off of his actual chest], but as time goes on, he shows less and less skin and adds more and more layers. When he has the gloves on, it leaves no skin exposed at all, and there's this direct symbolic correlation with secrecy that isn't there for other characters. And if you're wearing three layers of leather [or even one], you can neither feel what you're touching nor feel anything touch you.
Pure Speculation, but I just can't really see him underdressed for any occasion… That's why his fit in Day with the Sun is funny as hell but also… yeah…
As a behavior, if it's rooted in anything, it's probably rooted in having to hide signs of physical abuse, of course--but then he kind of already had an excuse, with how he was constantly getting into fights. I guess it depends on the specifics, but I think it's interesting to consider this as one way CSA victims attempt to regain control of their bodies, avoiding emotional discomfort at the cost of physical discomfort.
Self-destructiveness
It's nothing super overt, but I see this most clearly represented in his second boss fight in particular; his willingness to wield a blade bare-handed while using enough force he could very well render his hand useless. I think it's potentially also evident in how he has severe cataracts he chooses to ignore and allow to worsen, despite having the reasons and resources to undergo surgery to restore his vision. In doing so, he literally and figuratively blinds himself to so much.
I also kind of think the assassination of Hoshino/the anonymous call and The Eye Scene are examples of self-sabotage. I mean, he literally was sabotaging himself in the former, but it's also the specific way he feels the need to be physically taken down in order to be stopped--possibly a holdover from RGGJo, who's only too happy to be beaten into a coma.
I don't know… It's hard to pinpoint, but I feel like he would be averse to most of the more "obvious" self-destructive behaviors--especially when he has people in his life who might notice and worry, like Ikumi and Arakawa. That and because many of them are addictive. He's seen what that's done to his father, and he's also developed this incredibly rigid sense of discipline he can't maintain if he doesn't have a clear head.
From how he talks about himself [as having lost his humanity and lived a half-assed life], I definitely think he's at the very least unkind to himself, but I also think he does externalize it by provoking others to harm him [in the case of physical fights] and reject him. Like he needs some kind of proxy perpetrator. For some abuse victims, this specific manifestation of self-destructive behavior is a way to regain control--whether or not you "deserved it" back then, you do now, as a direct, logical result of your actions.
Need to be invisible, perfect, or perfectly bad
I think each of these needs manifests in different ways for Jo. The need to be invisible can be seen with authority figures (mainly Aoki, but also Arakawa in The Yubitsume Scene, a little; how drastically he pulls back and tries to act "normal")--this relates to what you were talking about with being reluctant to intrude or take up space. If you fall under the radar, maybe you won't get hurt.
The need to be perfect can be seen in his seemingly "impossible" standards, I would say. Of course, because we see things from Ichiban's perspective, we tend to see them as unfair and often arbitrary demands. But they aren't arbitrary to Jo, are they? They're standards he holds himself to through and through. If you're good, maybe you won't get hurt.
The need to be perfectly bad can be seen in and relates to much of what I discussed under self-destructiveness [The Eye Scene and the way he antagonizes Ichiban specifically by making himself out to be worse than he is]. If you must get hurt, it can at least "make sense"--be "deserved."
Suicidal thoughts, attempts, obsession (including "passive suicide")
Obviously he's not like… Mine Levels Of Overtly And Consistently Suicidal, and he doesn't attempt suicide himself, but at the same time, I have to note his total ambivalence towards Aoki seeing him as a "bullet" (a kind of hitman sent on suicide missions). He agreed to what he himself viewed as a suicide mission and he didn't care what would happen to him afterward, as he says to Joon-gi, Zhao, and Adachi.
Aside from that, I certainly feel he's at least had passive thoughts like wanting to disappear or wishing he'd never been born. Y'know. Nothing concrete, but reflective of his mental state, and just as detrimental to dwell on long-term.
I think there's a sort of childishness [for lack of a better word] to thoughts like these [in that they're impossible], but also a level of maturity in that it probably doesn't escalate to something more actionable because he understands he has responsibilities he can't abandon. I think if he was ever seriously suicidal, it would be at the points of his life where he really didn't have any responsibility to anyone, like between Ikumi leaving and him joining the family, or after he was arrested.
Depression (sometimes paralyzing) […]
I'm trying not to over explain going forward because I Have BEEN Overexplaining It Is SUCH A Disaster… he's depressed If You Have Eyes And/Or Ears… I'll leave it at that…
Anger issues; inability to recognize, own, or express anger; constant anger […]
Lol
Rigid control of one's thought process; humorlessness or extreme solemnity
Relates back to what I was saying about how disciplined he is [and expects everyone else to be], but in general, he's incredibly, incredibly serious and focused. I don't think he's /entirely/ humorless [but then again, very few people are]; I just think his specific sense of humor is. Like. What Is Your Problem [I Know What Your Problem Is I Have Been Discussing It In EXCRUCIATING Detail But What The Fuck Is Your Problem]
Trust issues; inability to trust (trust is not safe); total trust; trusting indiscriminately
That's why he was planning on taking his secret to the grave, isn't it? It was only when faced with the realization it would soon be too late to say anything that he was able to tell Ichiban. He could've trusted Arakawa, should've been able to, but… in his mind he never could.
This book [and this checklist] is about "incest" actually, but it redefines "incest" to mean any instance of CSA perpetrated by any individual the victim trusts or has an expectation of being able to implicitly trust. Which… is most CSA as we understand it today, so I've edited some parts to just say that.
Anyway, I've never given much thought to the specifics of what Jo might've experienced--who did it, what happened, how long it went on, etc.--so there's no conclusion I can draw here [and elsewhere, I'm sure]… but even without that, to grow up unable to trust the one person who should be in his corner, his father, and to have his trust betrayed by Ikumi, it's no surprise Jo ended up like this either way. So… I'm happy he had the courage to tell Ichi, in the end.
High risk taking ("daring the fates"); inability to take risks
I think these are supposed to be mutually exclusive, but to me, Hoshino's assassination and Arakawa's assassination represent both sides of the coin, although they're not the only examples. There are risks Jo won't think twice about taking and risks that paralyze him.
Boundary issues; control, power, territoriality issues; fear of losing control; obsessive/compulsive behaviors (attempts to control things that don't matter, just to control something)
Lol…
Guilt, shame; low self-esteem, feeling worthless; high appreciation of small favors by others
Lmao Even…
Feeling demand to "produce and be loved"; instinctively knowing and doing what the other person needs or wants; relationships mean big tradeoffs (love was taken, not given)
I actually think this encapsulates a lot of what I've been saying about his work ethic, his ideas of discipline, and his relationship with Ikumi, but I also think it's why Masato took a liking to him. His attentiveness. It ties back into wanting to be perfect; when you're abused--especially long-term--you become attuned to observing and responding to any shifts in mood or tone. This is another area where I can't draw any conclusions relevant to my point, but it does certainly relate to his father's abuse, at any rate.
Abandonment issues
Kind of contentious… The anticipation of being abandoned by or losing someone he cares about appears to be worse than the actual experience. He's fine with Ikumi leaving him, and he's… not Fine With, but able to come to terms with Arakawa's death and Aoki's abandonment of him. At the same time, he really does try to make Ikumi's stay in his life comfortable, and he spends almost forty years doing his damnedest to keep his family together, whatever the cost. If I were to extrapolate from RGGJo, though, /he/ does have an obsessive, unhealthy attachment to Arakawa.
Blocking out some period of early years (especially 1–12); or a specific person or place
Ikumiiiiii that's what I'm SAYINGGGG
Feeling of carrying an awful secret; urge to tell, fear of its being revealed; certainty no one will listen; being generally secretive […]
Rofl Perhaps…
Denial; […] repression of memories; pretending; minimizing ("it wasn't that bad") […]
He admits to it himself. Not much else to say. Though I don't think he necessarily minimizes what he's been through by dismissing how bad it was; rather, he tends to overestimate his ability to move past it.
Pattern of ambivalent or intensely conflictive relationships (intimacy is a problem; also focus shifted from [CSA] issues)
Also kind of contentious… we don't see a pattern of romantic relationships, as I assume the author meant here, but at the same time, the romantic relationship and non-romantic relationships we do see fit this pattern. I guess I'd say I definitely think intimacy /would/ be a problem, and he /wouldn't/ be ready to address his issues.
Limited tolerance for happiness; active withdrawal from happiness, reluctance to trust happiness ("ice=thin")
The quote that prompted this ask in the first place. It's sort of connected to the point about humorlessness and extreme solemnity; if that was the "what," this is the "why." He doesn't know how to relax ["holidays don't exist" and all], he doesn't have much to be happy about, but even rarer is the occasion where he doesn't feel too conflicted in the moment to be able to enjoy himself. That's just how I see him.
[…] verbal hypervigilance (careful monitoring of one's words); quiet-voiced, especially when needing to be heard
EXACTLY what I was talking about in this ask, so I'm leaving that one up to past me…
......
... That's It That's The Essay I'm going to hibernate until Infinite Wealth comes out and somehow refutes my points but UNTIL THEN. Farewell, take care, and once more, don't worry too much about matching my energy… Like I Said if I were the one receiving this ask I'd just delete my blog, so… I'll just be happy to know you read it :] If That lmao
ok i read it :) 👁️👁️ READMYTAGSTHERESMORETHEREIPROMISE
#long post#cw csa#doublin up to add cw warnins in the tags just in case <3 lemme know if i should throw more tags down here..... im bad at cw tags....#i forget my bookmark tag for asks from you i stg if i cant find this ask in the future im kmsing (in minecraft) immediately#snap chats#THE SNORT I MADE AT THE DEADPAN 'LOL'☠️ maybe i SHOULDVE put text In The Main Text i have A Lot of Thoughts..#im leavin the main text empty since. ngl i was just gonna compare/contrast to myself again... and say a lot of what weve said b4..#UNFORTUNATELY a lot of the things listed here uhmmmm Hm <3 Uh Oh <3 i do understand. Dare I Say personally. just a bit#I DO HAVE TO DISCLAIM ive never been a survivor of THOSE circumstances or really. any abuse tbh- brain just sucks and im a baby#and i cant say no BUT ANYWAY I HAVE REASONS FOR BEIN AN EGOTIST I SWEAR its cause I Somewhat had those exps/i understand them#i can REAAAALLLYY easily see where your points are coming from.... very easily even... like very in-depth..#even if i didnt cry bout spilled milk every other day it IS clear to see the signs of abuse in sawashiro once you know them#i've def talked bout those aspects of him whether in tag rambles or in streams or have Attempted to express it via fics#so really the bits to chew on for me esp this time round is the more CSA aspects#tbh when it comes to bein unable to see him intimate or 'underdressed' i agree: incredibly hard for me to imagine#the thing with 'symptoms' of abuse is that they kinda overlap i guess ??#in that regard it can either be a need to impress or protect himself/needing to be seen less#when it comes to doing certain things because of CSA i could see it as a result of another abuse too. if that makes sense#THOUGH THAT ISNT TO DISCREDIT THE IDEA nono cause there still exists the Now That I Think About It circumstances of masato#even if we look at it through Western Norms(TM) two- essentially homeless- kids having. A Kid is still bizarre#cause again teen pregnancies generally happen as a result of Bein Irresponsible With A Schoolmate- not that other situations cant exist#but thats the most common innit so. def an aspect to consider. All Things Considered. esp jo's self-separation from ikumi#BUT YEAH i feel like if i try to respond im just gonna end up typing up a textbook bout abuse since. UNFORTUNATELY#childhood psychology is my field of interest. and aint no one readin THAT phat thing. esp when ill prob repeat myself or you ☠️#tbh remindin meself of when i said id write psyche papers on mine and/or jo.... oops 👀💋👀 savin this to steal notes from LOL#i hope yo know i WAS thoroughly intrigued reading this. As Ive Said childhood psyche is Literally My Field and this is v thorough and good#so im always interested in readin bout How X Caused Y in Z... very interesting many MANY things to think about.. ty...#forever cursed to be an idiot cause i really wish i could talk better and say somethin of substance.. ik you said its fine but still..#im always open to chat bout this more if youd like PLEASE dont think my lack of Main Text is disinterest Im Just Stupid. But We Know That
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