#so idk but like what if people only like that ideal of me bc i am considerably older?
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toying with the idea of making yancey's friends not real. would that be too evil
#personal#hear me out. the diner is a mimic and it's toying with the entire town and making people oblivious and just. stuck in time metaphorically#it's known to make people hallucinate it's known to show things that aren't there. it can fuck with technology#yancey has. problems. he's sick with grief and pain and regret and sorrow from his past moving into a strange new town#and there's all these people there in the diner and they all remind him of some part of his life#stevie quite literally reminds him of his ex but stuck in the state before anything happened. stevie is a constant reminder of like#what could have been had they not crossed the line of getting together#his relationship with daphne (friendship mostly but he has a little crush on her at some point) is like#the romanticized version of the life he had in mind for him and his ex. yeah he gets a little bit insane with it but he loves very deeply#freddy is what he wished for his older brother to be like. their friendship is what he wishes he and his brother would be like#rafiq is basically yancey's ideal partner. yukiko reminds him of his younger sister#hell even teddy is connected to him because he and teddy are basically the same person. dealing with a situation very poorly#but teddy WOULD be real since he is part of CALAMITY so his connection to yancey if anything is like. on purpose#he is SUPPOSED to mirror yancey because that will make yancey realize things about himself#that only leaves morrigan as the only other real person in all of this. because she is the only one not connected to the diner#(freddy isn't either but since he's first introduced on the radio as radio host he is sort of connected to the town)#(in like a way the diner could influence that too. you know what i'm saying)#and morrigan's whole deal is that she's so so stuck in the past. trying to get back what is no more. and daphne is her sister#so daphne could even be a manifestation of yancey's and morrigan's shared grief#for yancey the romanticized relationship with his ex. for morrigan her sister who died in the wildfires#are you seeing my vision. the diner is defeated and it's just yancey morrigan and teddy. it's always been#no one else has been real the whole time. they've only interacted with one another or yancey. never with teddy or morrigan#(with exception of daphne who would have interacted with morrigan bc of shared manifestation)#and yancey acts like the others have never existed. because they haven't. and now that he's no longer#under the influence of the diner. he doesn't remember. haha#idk if i wanna go with this because some of them aren't as solidified as concepts as others but man. MANNNNN
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I finally saw the mean girls musical (the movie one) I have so many fucking thoughts oh my god
#thoughts#oni talks#mean girls 2024#I think I may be the only person to kind of like it? like don’t get me wrong it is kinda ROUGH but it has so much potential and there’s bits#and pieces that I actually really enjoy or wish they had more of or just aahh#I’ve been nonstop thinking about the ideal version in my head like there’s so much potential obviously I’m biased by like a lot#since for one I know I tend to like stuff other people hate or don’t like but for two this sequel was weirdly way more relatable so maybe#I’m just projecting from my own personal experiences but Idc the POTENTIAL THERES SO MUCH ID WANNA DO INSTEAD#like there’s so many little details and characterizations that I wish was expanded on or fleshed out and it’s just like it feels like either#half baked or that it’s gone through too many edits it’s like it’s scared to exist?? like there’s some differences I love and wish they lol#leaned into but it’s like it was terrified to be too different? or like they were rushing the end especially#like in my ideal form it’s a tv show coz I think they honestly have enough that could be genuinely expanded in a way more interesting way#via that format probably not like a super extended series like you COULD but you’d definitely need more expansion but I could see the potent#but like idk one SOLID musical season with expanded character story and not like one of those rush cram shows like a good solid one#like Regina’s characterization is so fascinating but also feels like slightly off and like they could’ve leaned way more into things?#like I think keeping Regina as a closeted lesbian gives the greatest potential and interest for an expanded story#like I loved maybe the first half of the movie the most like that one song she sang to manipulate Aaron would work so much more perfectly if#she’s singing it about/to Cady? I also think in my ideal brain an cool flashback episode for Janis and Regina would be so cool coz there’s#so much you could flesh out in a flashback than you could in a retelling which while I do like the retelling since it lets you imagine thing#I just! potential! I also want more of them interacting and I do think changing Janis to be a lesbian works if they leaned more into it?#I also think in my ideal form janis would have more comeuppance or acknowledgement of her shit? I also think an arc of Regina coming out#like one thing they missed from the original is Regina playing soccer at the end & I think they could hint more towards that and maybe lean#more into her at home life in an expanded story way coz her mom is clearly like… yikes. granted maybe some of my views on the movie are too#biased by personal experience but like the way she snaps at her mom usually in my experience isn’t out of nowhere? like parents behind#closed doors. or frustrations with what her mom has clearly been putting on her the way she tells her mom not to talk about her body is very#like idk a lot of the characters in this version feel more real to me bc they act really similar to people I know irl so the expanded story#could be cool. another one that in my ideal brain would have more is Gretchen and especially her relationships with Regina as well as with#that one guy and her parents I wanna see more of how that works and her arc to feel more meaningful when she dumps him & mentions family#also as much as I didn’t care much for the straight plot stuff there’s 100% missed potential there that I could see in the differences like#iirc in the original it’s regular algebra not AP calc which I think could’ve been used as an interesting characterization opportunity for
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#tjinking abt gender. i like how i look and how i sound i really do but im not stupid i know that bc of how i look and sound most people#are gonna see/refer to me as a man. but in an ideal world they wouldnt#its not even like i wanna be regarded completely as a girl either. like i enjoy being a man but i wish people would like#idk not acknowledge it as much if that makes sense. like i think the only reason i ever think abt wanting to look like a girl is bc more#people would actually call me a girl. but yhen id just be in the same issue but in reverse probably. so what now#hm. muhc to think abt (<- deranged)
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i love muting people on twitter some of you bitches are very dumb
#what do you MEAN gojo wasn’t traumatized by toji??? 😭#i don’t think that gege has to spoonfeed every single morsel of information for you… like if you READ the manga you’d know 😭#why is the reason gojo works so tirelessly on his infinity??? during his fight w sukuna why was he reminded of toji???#LIKE HELLO??? this is why heavily shipper brains are so useless to me#this one was goge shipper and for some reason they just completely watered down gojo’s personality/trauma like HUH#geto isn’t the only person who went through things 😭#also saying that geto was the only person who saw gojo as a person… that’s true to an extent#pre-defection geto ABSOLUTELY! gojo never was around Normal People so that’s why he acts the way he acted it’s obvious#but i’d argue post-defection geto… even for a little bit… saw gojo as a tool rather than a human#bc he even tells gojo that if suguru was gojo then his impossible ideals wouldn’t be impossible anymore simply by the virtue of being gojo#i think after people realize satoru’s strength they immediately throw away his humanity#which is something that his kids don’t really care much for… like yeah gojo sensei is strong but the 1st years don’t gaf that much 😭#i think they see him more for his personality than his Strength but they obviously know he’s the strongest#and i think they know he wants them to be strong too#satoru also said he can only save people who want to be saved#i think he’s in constant of his students for that reason too… they save each other & communicate & are allowed to be kids#i think also bc satoru finds it so important to enjoy the mundane things of life and to enjoy friendships bc that’s the only thing that +#he himself had cultivated during his years as as student too#this became a rant but . @ shippers & @ anyone stupid… stop watering down gojo#it’s my biggest pet peeve idk why but nothing pisses me off more in the jjk sphere than people watering down gojo#just bc his trauma manifested in different ways doesn’t mean that he wasn’t hurt 😭#like don’t forget about satoru gojo!!!!!! he’s a lot more emotionally perceptive/mature than people give him credit for#personal
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ok i’m gonna set an alarm but it is not the end of the world if i miss the lecture tomorrow
#i am quite frankly concerned by my attendance. i am not academic weaponing it up. i am being academically attacked#it’s fine it’s fine. i always get caught up and i’d say i’m making it to a solid three quarters of them. but it’s not ideal yknow#turns out living alone is very hard and i am oh so tired. all of the time#which yes is in part bc i’m struggling with sleeping. and also low iron is low ironing bc i’m bad at remembering to take my tablets#and social awkwardness is quite frankly reaching the point where it’s probably just actual anxiety. teebeehaitch#it’s better than it was when i first got here but uhm. not by much#even posting on here is freaking me out a bit bc i keep remembering that i have like. 1700 followers for some reason#like you’re telling me that what amounts to my diary is hypothetically being read by 1700 people. that’s fucking insane. what am i doing#like i only get a few notes on personal posts obviously but still. it kinda freaks me out#might make another blog idk. not right now i am going to have a nap <3 and hopefully attend my lectures <3#i can hear birds singing outside. why do i keep doing this to myself#morganposting
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im being so serious besties i am not cut out for academia
#like yes i know ive had a very uniquely shit experience in doing a degree i actively not only hate but also am BAD AT#but also i just. cannot hack it#'but hella you go mental and pessimistic every single exam period' i know that but. im right also#like the other day i said to my mum how much ive just been enjoying my job recently#and how huge a deal that is bc i HATE my hometown and ive never ever considered my time here as possibly being good#and my 20s will hopefully be a lot of travelling but in between that to save easier im gonna live at home#so i dont have to worry about rent so alas that means when im saving up for my next trip I WILL BE IN MY HOMETOWN#and as excited as i am for my twenties that is one huge downside to me but i was really cheerfully saying to my mum#that literally for the first time ever ive considered it might not be too bad bc lately i have just enjoyed my job#like i enjoy the people and the work and the lifestyle of it and while it's never gonna be ideal as a means to an end it's actually good#and instead of focussing on that she went OFF on one about how she wants me to stay in education and keep getting qualifications#and she was like 'you could do an english degree you've always wanted to do english or how about open university-'#and i was just sat there blinking at her like girl.... no#like i could FEEL myself shutting down like the terror of having to return to this environment when ive got my sight so set#on that 'one more year and im done one more year and im done' mindset like that has been the only thing getting my through#is that im halfway through the course now so im closer to the other end than i am the beginning and if i can just push through#ill be free from it for the rest of my life. so the thought of immediately returning to academia even for a subject i adore? i felt ILL#and my mum apologised the next day without me even having to say anything bc she realised she kinda bulldozed me there#but i just know whether it's the adhd or ive actually been traumatised by this econ degree#(<- and im being serious there like ik 'traumatised' is a big loaded word but idk what else to use#and this degree has done so so much damage to me like it has convinced me that i am fundamentally a stupid person#to the point i refuse to add up bills when with friends or do answer any sort of intellectual question even if i KNOW i know the answer#bc ive just gone so so long of being bad at the only subject im studying like just SURROUNDED by it and being bad at it relentlessly#and i dont think people realise how damaging it is to very simply just... feel stupid all the time. but oh my god i used to be so confident#and bright and now i wont even do basic addition in front of people)#i really truly dont think i can do this again in any capacity. like the constant exams and studying and assignments#i just cant do it. maybe i just need a year or two away from it after this degree but my goddddd rn i cant see it#yes it's exam time for me can u tell. it always makes me existential and on the verge of vomiting at any given moment#i hate it here i hate it here i hate it here i dont care about iterated deletion of strictly dominated strategies shut the fuck up#hella goes to uni
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#sometimes i worry/get scared when people like 18/19 start talking to me in a certain way#bc like i’m 24 yk and that’s a 5/6 year gap and i know when i was that age i saw 24/25 year olds as like ‘older women’#so idk but like what if people only like that ideal of me bc i am considerably older?#what if it’s just a fantasy to people that age to be with someone my age yk#idk i’m just soft and i have feelings too and idk just a random thought that popped into my mind#and bc what if i’m seen just like that bc i am older#i’m not even making sense just rambling so yeah#just ignore this
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birthdays haven’t been too bad the last few years but with picking my dad up from rehab last year i’ve been getting antsy about it again and my work is gonna leave balloons and a note on my desk and i do work that day and i thought i had the saving grace of my brother doing a thing with me the DAY after but due to work things were now doin it on the day and it’s just looming closer and closer 😰
#personal#you have like 5 bad birthdays in a row and suddenly have an actual fear of ur bday#again it didn’t happen for a few years so i was fine but dad thing now is scared again 🙄#anyway i would have said no to the work thing but i wanted to be normal and encourage good will between my coworkers#i mean on my 45 day review perfect notes but my supervisor had to specify leadership when talking about communication bc i DONT be#talking to my coworkers#which totally fine doesn’t effect my work at all but.#idk i didn’t want to be like no when i already don’t talk to people#but did start a convo today!!!#i’m not bad at talking with people or even strangers i’m not even super shy i’m just bad at being a person#anyway so said yes even tho it does make me antsy thinking about#and i hate working on my birthday bc it feels like.#any event on my bday freaks me out or at least used to and does again#like ideal birthday stay home in bed and survive just don’t want to encourage chance or take any risks#i just want to stay still until it’s over and everyone’s okay#but now i’m working and people are gonna say happy birthday and there will be balloons and a note#and my brothers taking me out which yay love him love solo time gonna ask for sushi#but i’m also scared like what if something happens to him?#but it’s silly to live in fear and he’s only here for like a day#and even if my dad came home i also got my first birthday surprise with my friends lying#and saying they needed art supplies and gave me a cake and hannibal stuff and it was so sweet i cried :)))
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rereading a fic (bc i'm trying to typeset it so i can print it before my parents come back from their trip) and UGH it's so good
#IT'S BEEN SO LONG SINCE I'VE EXPERIENCED WRITER'S ENVY BUT HOLY FUCKING GOD I AM EXPERIENCING WRITER'S ENVY (GOOD)#only tangentially related but i don't really get fic writers who like. do preorders n stuff to get their fics professionally printed#like i know that not everyone is physically able to do what i do (typeset fics then print them n then bind them by hand)#but the idea of going to like. idk what people use tbh but something not fan-owned (i.e. mlp is an exception to this)#to print their fics feels... not quite right to me in the same way that the proliferation of hyper-professional zines in fandom#feels not quite right to me n even downright commodifying in some ways#the other day i was in a call w/a kouhai from high school n i mentioned i mailed out some calligraphy i did for a fic the other day#n she was like 'did you at least get paid for it?' n i gave her a five-minute lecture on the gift economy of fandom#n how as part of trying to uphold that ideal i do not take money for fandom projects whatsoever#ANYWAY i forgot how good of fics i've read for xv before... or well i knew they were good but i forgot abt the writer's envy lol#i kind of wanna experience this more bc AAAA I WANNA WRITE THAT BEAUTIFULLY#花話
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so so so fucking tired of people who perceive working in an office as the only “”real”” jobs
#the equivocation of ‘’professional’’ to ‘’white collar’’#the way people treat those schedules as ‘’the normal one’’ when there’s millions of people working outside those#me every weekend for the past seven months: i only have sunday off#my friends every time we want to hang out: can we do saturday instead uwu#and just the disparaging attitude ‘’business culture ‘’ has towards literally any job#tbqh i would rather die than work in marketing and that is. from what i can tell. most of the jobs available#in an office setting#idk maybe this is my outside opinion but a lot of those jobs feel superfluous or like. making their own problems to solve#like that post about the leftist commune where everyone was like ‘i can do admin and project management’’. how is that useful#it just feels very much like the american ideal of ‘if you work very hard you can be a self made millionaire’#is a lot more prevalent among that class#and like i know it’s also a matter of ‘i make more than you so i’m more important. skill issue’#but idk i just have the perception that i’m ‘’supposed to’’ go into a field i have no interest in and i’m Doing Something Wrong#and making my life unnecessarily hard on myself. because i have no interest in it#rant paused bc i’m gonna be late to work if i keep going lol#mine
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I go through these short periods of time feeling very okay and good even only bc i distract myself from what pains me until it catches up again and the cycle repeats itself
#i think it's verrrrrrrrry close to catching up again after i've had normal 2 weeks lol#so many ifs and buts and would things be better had i made a different decision lived in a different place or time etc#but i'll never now i'll always only have the here and now and the unchangeable past#and the very incertain scary future i'm trying so so so hard to be hopeful about but seeing things as they are right now. i really dont kno#i can only fake it to some point. i cant fake it till i make it. i'll fall apart countless times and then wont make it anyway#i feel like. i feel like all the circumstances i've been in have all always been against me#like i'm the only unlucky one among the people i know#i try so so so hard to remind myself that people who seem to have it so much better have their own problems too#but then also i remember something i wrote down once as a teen. the phrase you typically hear#''i have been battling (?) with this problem but am lucky enough to have a support system / loving friends etc''#and idk how right i am with thinking this way but no matter what problems you have.#it's the toughest thing to lack deep connections with at least 1 person ideally like 3 i guess bc it's such a fundamental thing#you know having someone you can ALWAYS turn to without feeling bad and you know that they can and do turn to you too#and i do have a few wonderful friends i love so so much but i feel and know that no one needs me like i need them#every friendships feels so fragile to me. no one depends on me turns to me for advice or to vent etc#and when i feel like i need to do any of those things i cant turn to any of them#there's still inevitably a sort of disconnect i feel#and it terrifies me that i'll never find someone i connect with on a deeper level and it's mutual and we both can depend on each other#and there are no boundaries no shame no unspoken words#i dont know how true any of my feelings are but. but yeah#nesi rants
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thoseve yall who were here a year ago might remember that a year ago He was liking tweets like "idk how people can cheat when im in love im obsessed😍" and "the honeymoon stage rlly doesnt die if youre with the right person🥰" and he was liking stuff like that up till recently now shit like this is in his likes something is BROKEN in him
#i feel bad. i dont even mean it in a conceited way but i cant help but feel like a bit of this is my fault#hes so bright eyed and ambitious that the idea of him losing any of that idealism is nothing short of a goddamned tragedy im sorry#yes this is the guy who lead me on (unintentionally???) and flirted with me for a year despite seeing TWO people during that time#the latter of which became his girlfriend (who i told Everything to ...)#and like. he never apologized he never explained what was going on or why he acted like a fucking simp for a year#but basically we're not talking now and we're on bad terms and angry at each other#(me because. well yall were there for that . hes angry because i ratted his flirty ass out )#god that all stings so bad i havent talked about the details of what happened to anyone......#but yeah i just. even still after all this time i hope he stays bright eyed. the idea that he wouldnt is heartbreaking in and of itself.#that one crush situation lol#idk if theyre still together. it was early novembet i reached out to his gf and laid the whole thing out for her#& she said theyd 'take it from here' (??????) and was uncomfortable with me and him communicating with the knowledge that THAT ALL happened#even while they were together. i told her i could respect that (even though i wanted to ask her who the FUCK she thought she was. anyways)#and then i reached out to him one last time to clarify i wasnt dredging it up for retaliation or to break them up but bc she genuinely#deserved to know. then he sorta said fuck my feelings and then reiterated what his gf said that we shouldnt be talking anymore#its been radio silence since then from bothve them. if they did break up id feel bad (cause how COULDNT i?) but if they didnt.#that means the only factor that changed here was. well. his 'relationship'/chances of a relationship/flirtationship/friendship with me.#i dunno. im not gonna act like i have all the facts and im not gonna act like he hasnt screwed me over#but getting back to my main point. imagine knowing him and watching him lose his idealism. try not being heartbroken over that.
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I cannot read people actually talking ab american psycho bc anyone actually invested into it has a 75% chance of subscribing to like 2 of the three readings of it that are wrong
#i deleted one of them out of my head but the whole ooiuhhohi he doesnt actually kill people paul allen is alive hes hallucinatinggg#the whole thing is a commentary on how the peak of the 'american dream' requires you to fill a mold society expects#kill all individuality. deny age for the sake of youth. ignore horrific actions to maintain the status quo.#batemans whole character IN THE MOVIE is him like very much living in a hell of doing these things not bc its innate#but because he sees these things as what society expects and thus he should aspire and want for them#he doesnt kill paul bc he wants or needs more money or even that he feels threatened. hes comfortable#its entirely hes so so caught up in society and the ideals pushed by that society that he overly acts to achieve them as much as possible#so he kills him bc he recognizes hes doing better than him#the paul allen is alive thing is to hit home a point on this#bc the whole movie everyone treats bateman like hes crazy and cares way too much#and then paul being 'alive' hits that home extra bc he IS caring too much. bc everyone is so numb to whats going on around them#they dont even realize they havent seen paul. they mix up people throughout the movie constantly even tho supposedly theyre close?#its bc everyone looks the same to them . nobody stands out and they all fit this same mold. theyre all the same person#bateman realizes everything hes done 1. doesnt matter bc nobody cares and 2. it never will matter and he could snap and it wouldnt matter#bc nobody would notice or care in their society blind to each other#even then the only person who genuinely ever sees him for the monster he is is the hooker he chases in those few scenes wjth her#anyway#idk why it makes me mad it just does#the gamer speaks uwu#also the directors or somethjng said hes actually for real killing people so.
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im ruminating about the expansion draft....would love some rules
#my concern is that unless we make a trade we can't keep our top 7/8 depending#i've said this previously i don't think dt gets protected bc i don't think she announces if she's coming back before the draft#and i don't think anyone would take her out of respect#which leaves bg tash kah and sophie all getting protected#then you have bec which her staying would be reliant on nate wanting to run a 4 guard line up again#but with free agency the likelihood that we could get a strong 4 from the start is higher than it was after the break#and i've been very clear about this i want celeste protected and tbh i think a lot of the team would want that too#bc she's going to get her shot over the winter and it's going to be a game changer#really the 6/7 players are the most important to having a strong team i think#because that's the only way you can have good rotation#if we had to leave mack unprotected the only way that would work is if we pick up another 4/5 like li yueru#bc the goal should be to run the same system regardless of who is on the court and i think mack and li are great subs for bg#but i do still like mack and if she goes unprotected she would def get picked up#back to bec i think a healthy bec allen is worth it but looking at her games played history it's a concern#but at the same time i think if we can get a 4 who can shoot the 3 that would really elevate nate's system#the thing for me is you can't build a roster that falls apart if one person is out#and then you have the potential open 2 spot#i know phnx said they like kp to take over the 2 when the time comes#i don't care to watch the *ces so idk but there really is not someone who can truly replace dt and her bball iq#but i also basically don't watch anyone other than who the merc play so#there's the opportunity to get someone in the draft but with the 12th pick it seems less than ideal then again we got celeste for free#or make a trade for any number of people#but i guess we'll see#really what i want is no expansion draft#but apparently the teams already know the rules
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#I lurk kibbe for fun#Idk my own type and I've given up#Bc i dont even actually care abt the style advice#so now I'm just there for drama#Anyhow#My point is#99% of people there have 0 taste#'how do i make this work' you dont it is hideous#and so much arsekissing bc you're not allowed to say someone is mistyped#'no one can type you only kibbe can type you' then let's go home??? Whats the point in a SYSTEM that's quite literally just this random guy#that'll die when he dies bc no one else can use it accurately#And they refuse to accept that maybe they can use parts they like and make it their own#Nooooo#ffs if you like a type of clothes just go for it#reminds me of colour theory ppl too#'omg i have to throw out my entire warderobe' what. Did you stop liking your clothes bc someone said its not your ideal colour
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I hate how hard socialing with new people is
#thoughts#oni talks#oni vents#I wanna be comforting but I don’t know them so I don’t know what I’m allowed to say but also ideally we’d be getting closer???#I think they are super cool but that’s like an awkward thing to say#I wish I could just know the right words sometimes this major league sucks dude#I met a bunch of new cool people and I wanna be friends with all of them but every social interaction is so much anxiety#I’ve like deleted so many messages before sending them in the GC bc i don’t have a clue what is correct or not#sometimes I forget how bad social anxiety can be for me coz I end up in bubbles where like it’s still hard but it’s stuff I’m used to#or at least used to enough that I can push through and figure it out at least a little but with this stuff i have no idea#logically I know I’m not the only person with social issues but like I still don’t wanna accidentally do a bad#I just wish there was a normal way to convey that I think someone is really cool and awesome and they deserve better#but every way I think of to say stuff is awkward and weird and just ugh#I also was dumb and sent a friend request at the worst time and idk I hate this#I love social stuff but I also hate it it’s so conflicting
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