#so i'm trying to motivate myself yknow

[doedipus]

a large amount of time I've been spending on -untitled undefined scope original fiction project- since the last time I posted about it has been trying to develop the protagonist concept I came up with last summer or whatever into like, a character that would feel real and era appropriate.

it's fun research to do. naturally a lot of the details I assigned to her are things that I already think are cool, so it's been a lot of fun trying to trace her traits back through the relatively recent past, getting reminded of how much things have changed, or where the gaps in my intuition are, and then doing a flurry of reading to get a sense for exactly how someone like her and the people around her could have happened and what her life was probably like leading up to her present day. hopefully this results in some good good verisimilitude.

[lowkeyrobin]

THE BOYS ; incorrect quotes

warnings ; language

word count ; 285

I need something to post because lack of motivation so take some incorrect quotes lol

masterlist

Juicy, singing ; he's making a list, he's checking it twice, gonna find out who's on thin fucking ice

Y/n, also singing ; Santa Clause is calling you out!

Narrator ; name something you believed in as a child that you no longer do as an adult

Y/n ; myself

Josh ; so what's it like living with Juicy?

Y/n ; he once referred to sand as "heterosexual glitter"

Josh ; ...

Y/n ; it's awesome here

Narrator ; what did you guys get in your yearbook?

Eddie ; prettiest smile

Y/n ; nicest personality

Josh ; most likely to start a bar fight

Juicy ; least likely to start a bar fight, but most likely to win one

Josh ; what do you want for breakfast?

Juicy ; gay cheerios

Josh ; we told you to stop calling fruit loops that

Y/n ; youre drunk

Mully ; correction, drinking. present tense. grammar, Y/n

Eddie ; I'm quick at math

Y/n ; what's 38 times 76?

Eddie ; 24.

Y/n ; that wasn't even close??

Eddie ; but it was quick

Y/n ; what's worse than heartbreak?

Eddie ; waking up and realizing your phone wasn't charging

Juicy ; waking up in the morning

Josh ; waking up

Narrator ; waking up in the morning and seeing Mully

Mully ; what the fuck?

Mully, to The Boys in the haunted hospital ; I'd die for you

Y/n ; then perish

Eddie, strapped up and scared ; you will

Josh ; please don't

Juicy ; cool

Narrator ; I'd die for you first

Y/n ; gay

Narrator ; yknow you can die from that, right?

Juicy, smoking a cigarette ; yeah, that's the point

Eddie, drinking one of many alcoholic beverages on the coffee table ; we're trying to speed it up

Y/n, eating raw cookie dough and nodding

[toffeebrew]

THOIGHTS ON HYPERSOMNIA (error x ink x dream)..?

Going to be honest I didn't consider this ship till I saw your account talking about it

Quick Edit: Somehow I accidentally convinced myself I like this ship by doing this?? LMAO

im going just off whatever my brain says so... hopefully it makes sense? I'm going to stretch things to make this work okay bare with me. That and I haven't had years to build headcanons so some of these are off the cuff. Nothing is canon obviously

I tried to wrap my head around how I would do it in my interpretation, and I decided perhaps if error calmed the hell down and realized maybe destroying universes shouldn't be ur life's goal. Due to morality difference I had trouble picturing dream being personal with error otherwise. I think perhaps some of these things dream/ink picked up on whether it being kidnapped by error or just via battle or something idk lol.

Due to Dream's empathy and knowledge of people he understands Error's motivations stem from a source of anger and not ration. Dream calls him out on it and Error feels a little violated by how accurate he gets it. Perhaps if Error did give up on destruction someday dream would be there to help him with his new identity???

More yapping under the cut

Ink, Error and Dream all relate to being outcasts and their own isolation due to the their roles (whether they bestowed it upon themselves or not). They're all lonely af (LMAOO).

I personally hc both ink and dream can lift way more than their weight. Ink not to dream's extent but he definitely is stronger than he appears. Error is perplexed with this information.

I never understood the " restores the balance thing" so personally I believe this was misconception dream had before he got to know error! Perhaps this manifested as rumors in the multiverse and error was rumored to be actually helpful instead of harmful. Also dream believed people had better intentions then they truly do at one point but as dream matures he realizes this isn't the case. Something like that. Not because I think dream is dumb, rather just want to see the best in people LOL even if he thinks what they're doing is wrong.

Error has a general distrust of dream at first, perhaps because his words remind him of another kind soul (it's blueberry... LMAO). But a part of him, even just a bit , just wants to have a "friend" (him and blue weren't exactly friends but yknow what I mean) like him again.

Dream weirdly finds some comfort in the anti-void as there is less emotional noise. I could picture dream commenting on it maybe, not directly referencing his own emotions but instead that the anti-void is calm (uh does dreams empathy have a bandwidth? I'm making that assumption.)

Dream got extremely excited when he realized error could also understand spanish.

He got quite invested in UnderNovela, dunno why but I imagine dream to be a fan of fictional romantic stories and dramas. He, Ink and error enjoy talking about it together. They've extrapolated a bunch of theories and such together for what will happen next.

I don't see dream as a crybaby but more suspectible to crying than the other two. Error doesn't... react the best to people crying nor do I believe ink to be the best at comforting others (projecting there whoops). I feel like Error is the type of guy to shove things in your face in hopes of making it stop LMAO. Like how you shake a toy in front a baby in hopes of getting them to stop crying. I just imagine error shoving sweets or some other gift in Dreams hands if he were to start crying. Dream would find his reaction kinds funny and maybe would brighten his mood a little bit. Ink is also trying his best and I suppose would try to be encouraging to dream. He would definitely give dream a well deserved hug. In general it's just an awkward mess, but they try their best. Dream would apologize after because of course he would.

Error in general gives "gifts" to dream, because he noticed Ink gives gifts to Dream when they get closer to being friends. Gifts in quotations because they're stolen. Idk, Error is weird.

While Dream obviously cam teleport au to au he doesn't understand as much the technical aspects of the multiverse. Error seems quite open to any questions he has about it I think. He hears error and ink discuss it at times but honestly it sounds quite confusing to him. Idk he's a curious little guy I think he would find himself love hearing Ink and Error yap about stuff like that *shrug*

I have this hc dream loves mlp so yeah they would watch that together.

[desi-girll]

TW: don't read if you don't want to know about self harm, but again, this is a positive post because it's about recovery, so nothing very explicit... but again, please don't read if you might get triggered <3

Page 261 of 366

Dear diary 🧸,

so, today is a big day for me. and when i say big, i mean it in a really really proud way.

because

today, 17th September 2024, marks one year of me being clean from self harm ♡

and i feel like the credit for this one goes entirely to me. last year and before that, my mental health was a shitshow. i was in a toxic friend group, very very insecure of my body, and thought that maybe I'm doomed to be be "ugly" girl. then, of course, the pressure of being a 11th grade science student. i'm sure most of the ones who have been, can relate? parents not understanding, marks not upto our expectations, exams, assignments and what not. so much pressure. but maybe it was just me who couldn't deal with the pressure and got more addicted to something I'd already been doing for 2 years prior to that.

on september 17th, 2023, getting a 4 out of 30 in physics? let's cut again, in the bathroom. believe me, i was addicted to the feel of the sharp compass needle against my skin. to this day, although healed, i still regret the feel of the scars on my thighs. i wish i hadn't ruined God's gift like that. i really do. but maybe it'll go away with time.

so, anyways, on that day suddenly i decided i don't wanna be like this anymore. i wanna heal myself and my relationship with my body. so i just kinda stopped. and trust me, it wasn't easy. so many times, i just randomly started thinking about how good it used to feel, sometimes my emotions were so strong that it was really hard to not start again but now i know how to restrain myself. i know a little bit of self control.

moreover, what really helped in boosting my self esteem was working out. i never that the solution to a positive body image for me maybe to move around and yknow, exercise a lil. and now, what motivates me the most is when i hear compliments from the same people who used to pass comments about my body before. i actually love my body now, or am trying my best to, because unlike one year prior, i'm really fucking fit and healthy now <3

so yes, that's the story and i hope this 1 year can progress to 2, then 3, then 4 and then slowly be a thing i struggled with, in my teenage years but then taught myself a way out of it.

for those of yall out there, struggling with any kind of self destructive behavior, be safe please. i promise you, there are so many ways to heal and recovery is one hundred percent possible ♡

love,

me

[aeternallis]

Hmm, I’m having feelings about this scene again, so before I get back to fic writing, I gotta just get this stuff off my chest.

See, in a lot of reconciliation fics I’ve read for KimChay, most often times when Chay asks why Kim acted the way he did, the reason is almost always some iteration of, "I wanted to protect you." Which is, in and of itself, it's not totally incorrect, but in my opinion, that answer has always felt a little off, yknow? Because it gives Kim the luxury of time in thinking about his actions and coming up with an excuse to justify his own cruel behavior. It gives him a way out that honestly feels a bit unfair to Chay, so most often it's totally brushed off to the side.

I'm not saying that answer is totally wrong, since I myself have used it in a roundabout way in my own fic, but the way I see it, at that specific moment, Kim's motivations as to why he dodged Chay and pulled away from him had absolutely nothing to do with protecting Chay and everything to do with protecting his own pride.

It's definitely not a calculated move; it's more impulsive than anything else. Lol It's an interesting thing to think about, since a part of me can't help but wonder: is this just a really mean habit he has, or is it because he didn't want Chay's perfect image of him to shatter?

Either way, whether it's part of his personality or all about protecting his image (I'm personality more leaning towards the former, ngl), Chay's wellbeing is not at all taken into consideration in this scene.

As a fan of Kim's character and trying to remain loyal to how he's portrayed in the show, I gotta not give him excuses, yknow? XD Lol

I think part of the reason this scene is so hard to watch for me is because, at the very moment at which Chay had needed Kim the most to explain to him what's going on, although Kim returns his feelings, the latter cared more about his own feelings than he ever did about the person he's in love with.

It comes to a head with their next encounter at the club scene-which is also painful af to watch-because in this moment, they both care more about their own feelings than they do each other, since Chay didn't even stop to think that Kim had just protected him from making a big mistake. And Kim didn't take Chay's feelings into consideration that seeing him would be hard to bear for Chay, considering how their breakup had gone down. :'D

In terms of character development, it's not totally a bad thing. After all, who in the world ever likes being caught red-handed AND called out (in this case, both Kim and Chay to each other)? In the beginning of the show, Porsche had a penchant for calling out Kinn's shit behavior-even when they were both aware that Kinn was already falling for him-and that allowed for the Theerapanyakul of that relationship to learn that if he wanted to be in Porsche's life, if he wanted Porsche to want to be in his life, more than loving him, Kinn also had to learn to respect him.

It's the same theme with both VegasPete and KimChay: there is a difference between loving someone and respecting them.

And for men like Kinn, Kim, and Vegas, can anyone even begin to imagine how difficult it would be to learn to respect someone, when all of them have lived their entire lives up until that point turning their noses down everyone else? That it's second nature for them to think of everyone else as trash?! That to have that sort of arrogance is part of why their family has been able to climb their way to the top?!

(The VegasPete novel makes so much more sense to me now, because Vegas found it so hard to learn to respect Pete that he had to create an entirely different persona for it! LOLOLOL HE HAD TO DISASSOCIATE, BECAUSE HIS ARROGANCE IS SUCH AN INTRINSINCT PART OF HIS PERSONALITY AS A THEERAPANYAKUL! HAHAHAHA! And Pete is all, "my baby is trying his best, so points for effort" Lol)

Kimchay's scenes up until this point have been tender and poignant, but there are moments even in the beginning where although Kim was falling for Chay already, he didn't respect him whatsoever (ignoring his calls, giving him homework without any intention of following up, etc.)

The breakup scene was a jostling reminder to the audience that we cannot ever forget that Kim is a Theerapanyakul, and with that name, comes all the hubris and arrogance that being a member of that family entails. There is credibility to what Pete says when he states that out of all of them, Kinn is the most normal.

In other words, Kinn is the most "normal" because not only does he genuinely care about the wellbeing of the bodyguards in a way the rest of the family doesn't (Tankhun is tactless when he speaks towards them, Vegas uses them as meat shields, and Kim is dismissive and cold towards them, etc), but also because of the softness he genuinely harbors inside, he's more easily able to let go of that arrogance (case in point: the forest adventure with Porsche).

Is it any wonder to Korn WHY the bodyguards can easily be bought off? :'D

(Side note: We know Kim himself is somewhat aware of his own vanity, as he was able to perfectly say the line in the screenshot without hesitation. On top of that, this is a very loaded line; wtf has he done before that he would even be aware of his own reputation?! Haha! I know the established fanon is also that he's bad at playing detective, but I wonder if it's not necessarily that he's bad at intel gathering, and more like he was having an off day with this particular leg of his detective work, since daddy dearest is actively making sure he's a couple steps ahead of his son. Hmm.

In my opinion, it lines up more with Kim's subsequent actions later down the road, and the overarching theme of KPTS (falling in love is in and of itself a humbling experience), as this gorgeous fucker did not at all think about the consequences of his actions. XD

It isn't until Chay has completely cut him off that Kim begins to learn that simply loving him won't be enough-will never be enough-to get him back in his life.

[megumi-fm]

18 day habit tracker

since the year started, days are passing by and sure I'm doing alright and getting stuff done but lately it just. feels like I'm whiling away a lot of my time which which I could spend learning or doing a lot of things that I've kept shelved for years. I want to make better use of my days and I want to understand how to kind of... develop the intrinsic motivation to improve my productivity. additionally, I also need to do things to take better care of my help given the harsh weather and my ankle (im)mobility.

so I've decided to spend the next 18days trying to be more conscious of how I'm spending my time and also trying to push myself little by little. in this eighteen days I want to figure out what my limits are (vs what I think my limits are) and I also want to understand how to stay consistent and maintain the momentum I need to keep going. eighteen seems like a small enough number to start with; from some surface web scouring it seems like 18days is the minimum number of time it takes to develop a habit. and coincidentally enough it's my birthday in exactly 18days so it seems like a good place to start

to track

🥛 water intake ⏰ hours of sleep +sleep and wake times 📵 phone usage 🍉 fruit intake +the kind of food I'm eating in gen 📖 reading

---

personal goals

🧮 relearning math my relationship with mathematics has been quite messy since junior college and it has only worsened through the past four years of engineering(with the introduction of multivariate calculus and Laplace transforms and whatnot)... it feels kind of late and embarrassing to start now but I really want to understand math better and enjoy doing it and now is a good time to face my fear/discomfort and start over at the very basics. I'm gonna start with precalculus and linear algebra

💃 dancing I used to dance all the time as a kid and then... i don't know what happened... as a lover of kpop choreographies it's heartbreaking to realize I haven't learnt nearly as many dances as I'd have liked to. The year started off pretty strong but then my ankle got in the way and... yeah... I want to get back into dancing both as a means to improve my mobility and as a means of exercise, and also because I enjoy dancing in gen... and four to five days seems like good enough time to learn a single dance so i hope to learn the choreography of atleast 3-4 dances in these 18days

✏ art I have wanted to learn drawing for years now but for some reason I just never seem to get around to it (the 'some reason' being my impatience and inability to accept that I'm actually a beginner) but yknow what. if I'm anyway going to feel bad about how poor I am at drawing, I might as well do it while drawing poorly instead of trying to avoid it. I've decided to use this youtube playlist as my starting point

🍳 cooking for someone who is planning to live abroad and live alone I can't cook to save my life, but putting that aside, the main reason I want to cook is that a lot of my favourite regional cuisine is centered towards dishes for the winter and I want to learn to make tasty + nutritional food suitable for this summer heat without resorting to consuming excessively sugared juices and soda in copious amounts

---

yeah. day1 starts today. I hope it works out. my weekly tracker and my work tracker will also be updated in parallel

[prettyflyshyguy]

little bit of a vent rant? a vant. A rent. Anyway.

Winter has been tough and I keep flip flopping between wanting to work on X Y or Z project and then when I have the time, I'm too tired, or manifesting the energy/motivation is hard. Sometimes you have to very literally make yourself do the thing, but its hard. Anyway grumbling about the creative process, time management, and related under the cut.

It's been a tough year and a very rough winter period. Like we had a couple good days of sunny weather and it was so nice and now its wet and miserable therefore I'm wet and miserable and this fucking sucks.

As soon as I'm done with this Horus Heresy army in a week I'm gonna try and work on Virtual Ground again. Dropped off a bit over the worst of winter but I'm hoping the shift into spring soon will help me feel better. Its like, I'm drawing or doing something else: I should be painting my space marines.

I'm painting my space marines: I should be working on Virtual Ground.

Don't get me wrong I'm so excited for the event I'm painting space marines for, it's gonna be awesome, I think its just the depressing oppressive winter this year specifically thats hit me really hard.

I'm juggling a few things to do with business and career stuff and I have a very strong feeling I'm about to receive an absolutely gutting rejection email tomorow. Mostly just because I didn't fit the criteria as good as the average candidate that applied for The Thing, and that I was told pretty candidly that there's very limited slots and there's a lot of competition. Just very tired of always being told "you did really well but..." I want to have hope but I know it's gonna absolutely fillet me if it falls through.

I'm a fighter. I just wish it wasn't so hard to get things up and running. I want to make my comic, I want to run my art business, I want to make a living. A decent living. I don't need to be rich off it I just want it to be profitable in a justifiable capacity thats self containing and also gives me enough dollary doos to buy some nice things here and there yknow. Like to live.

Anyway I've told myself I'm trying to ballance my negative feelings cause the last year (like as in from today, going back a year) I've been Real Up and Real Down so we're gonna end on something of a 'manifest healthier attitude' note - don't give up your dreams, be real with yourself, get a healthier sleeping pattern, eat well, exercise, you'll feel better, and learn to recognise when its the dog shit Melbourne winter weather that's making you feel like utter crap - and that it too, like all things, shall pass.

Pic unrelated but here's a cute chibi of Walking for anyone who dared to read the horrors of my twisted mind. Have a treat.

[princeanxious]

are you out of the TSS fandom for good, do you think? just burned out on lack of updates?

I mean, it's complicated.

Edit: pressed answer instead of save to drafts while trying to back out, tumblr what the fuck

Anyway, it's complicated. I've become burnt out creatively lately, and I've been part of the sanders sides Fandom since 2018, it's been a big portion of my life, I'm not letting it go that easily.

However, this is my main blog, and I cant really shift everything to a new side blog, so I do feel bad for those who followed me exclusively for sanders sides are now seeing a v distinct lack of it.

But for the most part, yeah, I'm burned out on a lack of updates, I was a fander creator doing as much as I could to create content to entertain myself just as much as for others in-between the hiatus-gaps while awaiting updates. I love these characters with all my heart, but every gap in between has gotten longer and longer, I can't keep waiting for a year at a time for one single update even if the finished product is grand and *absolutely worth* the time it took to make. I was scrambling, bc I no longer have the time I used to to create my own fanart and fanfiction and animatics for this fandom, and I can only reread the library of my favorite saved works over so many times before I feel hollow and under-stimulated.

It'd be one thing if the rest of the fandom was as active as it used to be, I bounce off others creative energy far easier than single handedly manifesting my own inspirations all the time. But it's not, and interaction with my own content slowed way down. (Not to say that I'm leaving just bc of this or anything, but its become a struggle to feel motivated to keep going when there's literally nothing new from Canon to keep riffing from.)

I have the want to finish my remaining fics, specifically The Lost Guardian in particular at the very least, but I just can't solely be a sanders sides blog like I used to be.

I'll be here when that season finale comes out, but at this rate of progression, I think Thomas has overestimated the fact that this could very well be a series finale, not season finale. And I've come to peace with that, if only Thomas would be more transparent abt it.

Sure, Thomas has other content, but funfact, I've had very relatively low interest in getting super into it, there isn't the same level of comfort in shipping characters of a single person with the versions themselves when other characters played by other people are involved, especially when u know that they are alot of his v close friends. I don't ship real world actors together, especially if they play a character very close to representing themselves. The characters they play, maybe, but that's why I'm far more entertained and comfortable with animated media.

In short, I'm tired and burnt out and for now-for *whatever* reason- the silly lanky clown jesters from fnaf have more of a grasp on my brain than sanders sides does. I'm following the serotonin.

I may still create sanders sides content in the future, but getting maybe 100-500 notes on a piece when u have a fandom following of roughly 11.5k followers from over the years has spoken volumes on how active the community is rn. I'm not leaving, but I can't be stagnant and hyperfixate on this anymore after doing so for almost 6 years straight. Yknow?

And for those who have always left a comment, shared my work, interacted with me in any capacity over the years in this fandom, and have made my time in this fandom worth while, thank you. I love you. U have made every second worth it💜

[sufficiently-advanced]

hi! I got a bunch of asks, and I figured I should (after 5 years) finally give an update.

unfortunately, though I enjoyed this for a long time, the hobby of writing faux-academic analyses of wands has long been soured for me bc I am, yknow, trans in the uk. I don't want to help sustain positive and neutral attention on jk rowling and contribute to the money she is using to fund and spearhead uk and us movements against trans people. It is truly wild to have reason to have beef with a famous children's author but here we are. Years later, these movements are still using that harry potter money and social cred to try to make questioning trans people's existence seem like a liberal free-speech common sense position that's unfairly targeted by radical, hysterical trans activists.

(Here is a tracker of the rise in current legislation restricting trans peoples' participation in public life in the us; the current uk prime minister made a jab against trans people this week in parliament, unknowingly in front of the mother of a trans teenager recently murdered in a hate-motivated attack, part of his customary appeal to right-wing culture war rhetoric. This is, as that first link points out, not his first public joke lampooning trans people, and as the stonewall link below mentions hate-motivated crimes against trans people have increased over 150% in the last few years, but only in the aftermath of a girl's murder has labour pushed back against our identities being part of a national debate.)

Interacting with people still into harry potter feels like a real toss-up. It feels depressingly likely, given what I see online and the beliefs of some of my coworkers, relatives and acquaintances, that I'm writing for someone who thinks nonbinary people are fine as long as they aren't too scarily masculine-looking, and trans women are fine as long as they're really nice and never say anything challenging and make themselves as small and cis-acceptable as possible and only react to people's cruelty with self-sacrificing grace, and trans men are fine as long as they are cute and don't look like neckbeards and are suitably disdainful of masculinity but also not too trender-y, and this whole thing about harry potter is kind of overblown but you can't say that because trans people looove to cancel people. I don't want to write stuff for people who hold these beliefs if I can avoid it! Writing non-harry potter related stuff is the best way to avoid it right now.

If some of these statements feel challenging to you - I was there once too, as a confused angry teenager who felt like gay people were trying to make me feel bad about myself. The social media landscape genuinely makes change more painful than it has to be. Personally, working to humanise and listen to people I was unthinkingly taught to disregard, ignore, disdain or pity has been one of the most rewarding projects of my life, even though by definition it will probably never be complete, and also it can be difficult and vulnerable. I hope you can find it rewarding too. If you're mostly like 'wow, I for real didn't hear about any of this', happy for you, there are links below so you know what's up and can identify some messages you might have absorbed without knowing it.

I won't be updating this blog with any more analyses. Thanks for reading, especially if you had to push through discomfort or fear to do so, and for liking my analyses enough to follow! If you have questions, here are some good resources to look at:

the basics of 'what does trans mean, like, practically?';

a great primer on what we actually know about trans people in britain (useful for outside-of-britain questions too);

a video introducing jk rowling's contribution to anti-trans movements and the discussion of whether to separate the art from the artist, and, if you're interested, a dry but short video about some of her direct links to conservative anti-trans and anti-gay groups in the us and uk

if you have more questions after looking at these, the facebook group 'You Might Wanna Learn More About Trans People' is an active group where you can ask them, anonymously if you want to.

[calsvoid]

I'm tempted to shoot Sebastian back at you, but instead I'll say Quinn. (and then you can also answer for Seb if you like)

send me a character and i’ll break their ass down

ooh yay two characters

quinn fabray

how i feel about this character

i love quinn so much she’s such a bitch but also she’s so real for so many of the things she does and says, she’s a character i would love to write about someday when i branch out from my tiny seblaine bubble

all the people i ship romantically with this character

my main ship for quinn is rachel i just really like their dynamic and history and i really wish the creators made them canon. i do enjoy some quinntana and fabrevans just for funsies as well. other than that i don’t really have any romantic ships for quinn. i think her canon relationships with finn and puck served their purposes in her life but i prefer them as friends with some awkward history

my non-romantic otp for this character

quinncedes my beloved, their friendship is so sweet to me and i find them so endearing. i also love the unholy trinity’s friendship they’re very awful to each other but very fun

my unpopular opinion about this character

i don’t know if this is unpopular per se but i think quinn was in the right for trying to get her baby away from shelby. she obviously had ulterior motives but shelby was real fucked up and her relationship with puck was terrible and shouldn’t have happen ever even remotely in the first place

one thing i wish would happened/had happened with this character in canon

obviously for faberry to happen but more specifically i wish we got to see more of her friendship with rachel after graduation; i feel like the writers always ignored a lot of the supposed closeness the nds had in favor of drama (or yknow just rachel’s life or whatever) but the bonds between all of them would’ve been nice to see

sebastian smythe

how i feel about this character

my SON my favorite specialest character ever he’s a bastard he’s a slut he’s the lover boy who never got a chance he’s everything to me i make it known to everyone and he will always be cherished by me

all the people i ship romantically with this character

blaine obvs my otp in the most genuine way literally what got me back into writing, but also i do like the idea of kurtbastian i just need to get myself more used to it before i really dive into them. jeffbastian is a little cute to me especially because of how bright we burn but never gonna be a super serious ship of mine. other than that, no one really or at least no one canon. many nameless faces have been in his past and future of course

my non-romantic otp for this character

my sweet match made in hell sebtana, i think about my stepcousins au so much i’ve forgotten they’re not actually canon and have talked like twice but they’re still my favs. they’re team rocket in another life

my unpopular opinion about this character

that he’s not heartless skank trash and actually a person who’s yeah pretty shitty at times but everyone in this show is pretty shitty at times and that doesn’t make them evil. it’s really easy to villainize sebastian and i get it, honestly i’ve villainized the shit out of some of the other characters before in my head, but at the end of the day he’s some petty competitive guy who wanted to fuck his crush and had the bigotry of most teenage boys at any point of the history of society. he’s neither a perfect angel of a character nor the devil and he’s got potential to grow like any of us. i don’t really fault anyone for being pissed it just kinda makes me sad because he’s my fav, but whatever yknow

one thing i wish would happened/had happened with this character in canon

pretty obvious that i wish seblaine got together but beyond that i wish they became friends again at any point in the show. i know because of the timing between flash and later seasons of the show + the overwhelming love of klaine, seblaine both platonically and/or romantically didn’t really stand a chance but i feel like they could’ve at least hinted at a reunion between the two.

[i-write-hurt-not-comfort]

Aww!!! I love your new Ayato story. To be honest, when I read the tags and the description, it was very hard for me to imagine a combination between Ayato and drugs, but I was very wrong, because now I started to get addicted to this story as well as Ayato. The idea feels so real and doable. I'm even now convinced that if Ayato was human in the canon universe, without those supernatural powers and vampiric sadism, he'd handle the situation in a similar way, since there's no way he'd be the asocial loser in class (-: However, his super beauty as a vampire doesn't work here, and it wouldn't be realistic just to exist to have friends :-*

hey anon! thank you so much! i'm excited to continue it, hoping i get another chapter in before christmas. here's the fic for anyone wondering, it's called the basketball diaries and i'll ramble a lil bit here, don't mind me.

putting it under a cut for discussions of drugs

so i've been writing drug addict fics for a real long time now and i generally consider myself able to make any character into an addict, primarily due to my wide scope of knowing and under the pretext of "it can happen to anyone", and in dialovers, i've now written shu, reiji, laito, subaru, ruki, kou, yuma and azusa. hence i moved to ayato.

ayato has gone up a lot in my heart since i first found dialovers in 2017 and especially since my re-obsession era in 2021. the more i read him, esp LE, the more i learn about his strengths and weaknesses. he's vulnerable, he's got academic trauma. he wants to do well, he does, but he's scared of trying because he doesn't want to make himself look stupid.

and contrary to the ayato can't read joke on my DL server, ayato can read and i think he's pretty smart if he really wants to do something. i.e. his MB after story he DOES get a degree but it's for yui's sake. he has to have a reason. and without said reason, he's void of motivation and frankly doesn't really know HOW to try.

you're right, ayato acts like a silly goofy big strong vampire because he's convincing himself he's The Shit. he bigs himself up as Yours Truly, pretends he's the best, because his entire self-worth growing up was based on the assumption he was going to be The Best. and if he's not The Best, then he's a failure.

when you combine that mindset with a situation where he obviously isn't going to be the best, you have a perfect recipe to write a drug fic i think.

he can't possibly be that guy with no friends, he wants to be liked and the best. but most importantly, he has a deep intrinsic desire to be the best academically too. but he never learnt to study, he has zero self-worth, and starting uni away from his closest brothers (laito n subaru in this case) in a difficult degree is challenging. couple this with the fact i gave him ADHD bc ADHD ayato has my heart, he's lost. and because being the best in his mind is more important than his own health and sense of self, he'd be willing to do anything to maintain that. and if he found a drug which does that for him, why wouldn't he use it, yknow?

i won't spoil too much about the fic there by mentioning yui's role in this (bc yui doesn't appear until ch11 unfortunately), but this is an overview of why i'm so excited to write an ayato addict fic finally.

on a similar note, next up Might be shin, actually. shin has potential, mostly from stuff in his LE. because of endzeit, shin very much has this mindset where he needs to prove he's sick in order to get validation. like he needs to be sick to prove something about himself. obviously if this weren't canon then endzeit can't be a thing, but i could talk for hours and hours and HOURS about the "needs to be ill to get validation of health" trauma (mainly due to personal experience) and it'd be really interesting to write in the context of drug addiction!

[atorchzagreusandtris]

It's always so interesting to me to see the fandoms I'm hyperfixating on and compare the fandoms with ocs vs the fandoms with no ocs (that I've made).

Like Amnesia for example, the fandom I have 40+ OCs in and have been in for over 10 years now. I spent a year of that time focused on just the characters that I had to work with before eventually being like "MM, yeah, no I need more spice." And made Derpy (I'm so sorry your name has aged so poorly my guy), Phantom, and Linard. 2/3 of those OCs were made to build off of pre-existing characters. (Derpy to build off of Piggeh and his development, and Phantom to build off of Skully + Stephano's (Yes both, it gets complicated if I say why). Linard post 2015 kind of accidentally became that with Torchy because when I first made Linard, they weren't brothers.)

And even then, I still focused a lot on those connecting characters (Stephano, Piggeh (who got abandoned and sidelined for Skully and Torchy whoops), Skully, Torchy, and Teddeh were characters I focused heavily on partially DUE to said connections). And then I finally realized after working on Jordyn and trying to flesh out the Barrel Army which I had completely entirely neglected minus Derpy, Axel, and Iris (+ Riku and his kids) pre2018, I was neglecting the main characters again. So I went back to them (they still weren't my main focus rip </3) and began working again on characters I hadn't given much development to.

Like god damn I hated Jennifer so much from 2013 to 2021ish because I couldn't find a way to make myself like her or write her character in a way that didn't make me hate her. WHICH IS WEIRD CONSIDERING THE PARALELL OF SHITTY THINGS HER AND TORCHY DID, BUT MAN DID I LOVE TORCHY BECAUSE HE WAS MENTALLY OFF HIS ROCKER (and so was I) So yknow what I did? I gave her a lesbian arc. She's not into men! She was confused and projecting! She likes WOMEN DAMMIT! Her and Pipe are girlfriends now and I adore her! She cut her hair! She stopped wearing skirts and traded them for overalls! She uses brass knuckles to punch dicks in their jaw! AS SHE SHOULD!

Then compare to the two other main fandoms I'm in - Ace Attorney and Ninjago - of which I have ZERO OCs for. I don't even count the fanseason villain (Ninjago resdemption au, somewhere between season 7 and 8) as an OC because I haven't fucking done any work on him yet. I just know what his main motive is and how it plays into the preexisting character's lives. Literally with both Ace Attorney and Ninjago I'm more focused on the preexisting characters and their relationships WITH EACH OTHER.

Like I want to explore the parallels between Kai and Morro, I want to explore Lloyd's trauma, I want to explore Kai and Nya and Lloyd's relationship with each other, I want Kai to be mad Lloyd was forced to grow up so fast. I want him to be mad he had to be a parent to Nya. I want him to fuck Acronix's and Krux's shit up. I want ZANE to explore VENGENACE on VEX "Tris he's not vengeful!" I WANT ZANE TO MAKE VEX BITE THE CURB IN 4K!!! HE'S AN ICE NINJA FOR A REASON AND I FEEL LIKE MAKING ZANE MAD EVERY NOW AND THEN WOULD GIVE HIM MUCH MORE NEEDED DEPTH TO HIS CHARACTER! we have firey temper with Kai but we need some cold and calculated (AND JUSTIFIED) anger for Zane because THAT WOULD BE TERRIFYING!

And with Ace Attorney it's the same! I want so badly to explore certain characters relationships and parallels with each other because OOOOOUGH... PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE.

My partner told me in early winter (we weren't dating then) when I had just fallen deep into my Morro hyperfixation/kin that we should make Ninjago ocs together and I could feel every part of me protest because I don't need ocs for certain fandoms. If the characters have the depth they need, sometimes it's better to just explore them instead of making new ocs. Like fuck with Sora and Arin, I definitely don't feel like we need any more (main) Ninjago characters. So I don't need to be making any. Honestly, some of my beef with DR is the oversaturation of new characters we've gotten instead of exploring some old relationships and old character dynamics (Which I know we will be getting more of come august).

Anyways TLDR: Sometimes fandoms don't need ocs (from me), sometimes the characters just need to be explored in more meaningful ways. Other times I spend 10 years hyperfixating on something and make 40+ OCs.

[ruiineedsfood]

Ruii's twts OC dump (will be updated)

So in order from top left

Yona Stone

Note : ignore how badly drawn the wheelchair is because i haven't made an updated rendered version hshsh

She's inspired by medusa in greek mythology, I know she appeared like 5 seconds in the disney movie, but like how can i not put such an iconic character??? also, medusa is quite villainy in the mythos, so i feel like it fits the twst theme yknow.

Nickname : Yona , Yonyon

Grade/class : 2-B

Club : Honestly, idk maybe board game or magift

Birthday : she's giving leo vibes idk what exactly but leo 100%

Homeland : Shaftlands in the big city area

Favorite subjects : Alchemy and Defense magic

Hobby : darts, swimming(used to be)

Talent : Good eye in fashion

Favorite food : seafood

Least favorite : beef

Bellaire Witcher

So her inspiration is basically a mix of the cheshire cat and mad hatter. she's a tortured artist, so not exactly based on a disney character i just find it fun to make a very wild and artistic character. now i don't know if i should keep her clover design maybe I'll change it because i gave her a clover bcs i thought it looked cute lmao.

Ruth Burn

I just wanted a fox oc lmao. I thought omg twst doesn't have foxes, and then fellow popped up, and I'm like, welp. So personality wise, Ruth is a very responsible person, but she has a cheeky side that is kinda like ruggie in a way. Her motivations are more social rather than self-preservation like ruggie. i didn't really base her on any character from disney i just knew i didn't want her to be text book cheeky fox character, wanted her to be more of like a normal teen with bits of fox like slyness in her.

Mielin Schoerin and Mimi Schoerin

They're kinda inspired by the twin cats in lady and the tramp. The first two that i designed, actually.

Mielin (dark hair) is the oldest between the two, and she's the most developed character in the cast because i just fell in love with her LMAO. Mielin's name came from a part of a cell in the nerve system cmiiw, so its main job is to protect, and i was like, hell yeah, that name sounds cool. So she's the more mellow twin takes things more seriously than her sister. She's usually seen to be very uptight and awkward by the other students but that's mostly because she's just quite dense with her surroundings. funfact but i like to imagine she's the girl crush of campus bcs i want to give her so much love shhshsb

Mimi (blondie) is the younger one, and i like to think she's the more energetic of the two, but she is more analytical than mielin. Mimi has this aura of being more laid back of the two, but she has the sense of being all knowing of things. kinda like floyd but not as wacky as floyd.

Naima / Zahra (can't decide but im leaning towards Naima)

Honestly, she's my fav design, but i have no clue on her background yet. I'm leaning towards her being a passionate dancer whose roots are from traditional dances from her culture, or i could go the other route of her being an ex athlete or ex idol. since the story i want to tell through her is to be her own self and come to terms with her choices because, like, what if our choices are just not right for us? Im trying to make her into a character that isn't similar to the existing cast in twst, idk im finding myself making her into a jamil 2.0 and im putting more thought into her to not be like that. the disney movie doesn't really have a character that i want to adopt to be her so im still thinking about it.

Melissa (Mel)

so diasomnia's book is still ongoing, i dont have any fixed plans for her involvement with the existing cast yet. but my plan is to make her a race of beings opposite to faes in a sense, since her magic doesn't come from her but the magic of others around her. so, like sucking the life out of them and repurposing it to be her own type of thing. Malleus finds her abandoned in the forest as a young kid with all the magic in the surrounding area gone. She gets adopted, but lilia refuses because she can be dangerous with her inate powers that can weaken malleus and endanger silver since in my head, they found her after lilia took in silver. so they came to an agreement to take care of mel with the condition she stays away from silver and malleus before learning to control her powers. Now, what makes mel okay with this treatment in her head is because she remembers everything from her birth and how her mother abandoned her and stuff so she feels like its normal and devotes herself to Malleus as a guard as a sense of gratitude for letting a monster like her in. Her arc is realizing that she's not a monster that she was made to believe. Instead, she was a neglected kid who wasn't taught properly. Honestly, i just feel really sad about her, and initially, i want her to explore lilia's character since he's one of my favorites but after concocting this i just want to give mel a hug.

Also, her OB-ing would be cool

[icharchivist]

yknow this one post that's like

the embarrassing thing about me is that this is me but it only works when i'm super mentally ill about ff7 because every time i'm obsessed with ff7 it's the only time i manage to motivate myself to do exercises and trying to take better care of myself FULLY because "Zack would want me to take care of myself", i'm doing some exercises despite hating every second of it because "Zack would want me to be able to pull some squats and i can't do that in my current shape so now i have to make it better" like, ok, cringelord. DoItForHimCollage.jpg about Zack Fair i guess. I have a deodorant smell i associate so strongly to Zack that putting it on makes me actually motivated to take care of myself. fucking mortifying.

*sends a kiss to the sky* for Zack Fair. I guess.

[urmoonstone]

a fresh start~!

welcome yall!

im so excited to see so many people already showing up! i consider anyone who found me through twitter to be what i call:

~ the real ones ~

you've stuck through thick and thin and i truly appreciate you giving a shit about me that much to follow a little link to a whole ass other place to keep in touch! that really means a ton to me.

seriously, i have been so disenchanted with twitter and general public spaces for.. a while now! for a couple reasons - mostly personal. i don't think i've talked about this much publicly and since we're.. looks left looks right ~ the real ones ~ here... i figure i'll talk about it a bit

a couple things on why i've been so quiet in places lately. i plan to talk a LOT on tumblr so.. get ready LOL

another me & frozen time

thousands of people found me through videos that i don't want to be associated with anymore. i had my twitter account for years but it never surpassed a couple hundred. it was mostly just friends and people i knew from early abridged series days. that all changed when my twitter handle was blasted on videos that literally a million eyeballs have seen. at that time i was coming off of the actual lowest point of my life. i really wasn't ready to be in front of so many people publicly like that, but situations played out a certain way and i took a leap and went for it.

because i was still so mentally rattled, i put on this performer face that was full of energy and ready to be interactive and reactionary so that, well, the hundreds of thousands of new eyeballs on me would like me. i didn't want to let them down. this was a huge opportunity after all and i did have a natural performer presence already. i just kinda, dialed it up a ton because a camera was on. and what do you know, it worked! people liked my stupid shit. they liked my banter with others, and it all worked out. for a while. keeping on that mask takes a lot of energy. i'm not naturally that extroverted. i think so few people are. but, the impression was already set in people's minds. i was "salty" and "annoying" at my worst but a chaotic spaz who injected fun at my best.

people captured this image of me in time that they can constantly replay and it's a version of myself that i despise. a fake hyperbole that's farthest from genuine imaginable. so when people followed through to the thing in those videos, my twitter, they expected that same person, that same version of myself and.. well they would rarely get it. keeping up that "bit" forever wasn't feasible for someone like me. and i frankly can't keep up at something like that. it made me more depressed trying to meet up to certain expectations, and the volume of critical and downright hateful messages really took a toll on me.

not to say that all of them are bad! i've met so many amazing and wonderful people through those videos. i don't regret doing them. but after they're published, what the world does with them is out of my control. and they kind of exploded in a way that i really didn't expect. and so people look for this thing from me, they don't get it, and they move on. but some of them still followed me on twitter, and it kind of inflated that number to a point that stressed me out constantly. i can handle eyes on me, but.. how many of those eyes were on the real me? not a ton. most of them were looking for another me. the one frozen in time in youtube uploads, always making the same jokes. a caricature on display.

and so i tried to be more human.

public venting & the timeskip

on some videos i let slip that yknow, i had depression and anxiety. people heard about this and asked questions. as the numbers grew i started to feel like my voice was more and more legitimate, that i had something to say that people should be listening to. and at the end of the day i wanted to be a voice that could lift people up and encourage others. i wanted to be a teacher, dammit! but really the motivation was always helping people. so i tried to a bit of that on twitter, in, well, maybe not the best way.

i treated twitter like a journal. i was extremely open about my struggles throughout the days. at 2 am i would post about how miserable i was, but how grateful i was to have people in my corner. and sure enough a ton of people would send in a bunch of kind messages my way. they were genuine and encouraging. i had open DMs and broadcast to people: "hey! if you need someone to talk to at 3 in the morning cuz you're goin thru it, i'm here to listen"

and i was!! there were hundreds of people that messaged me and i did my best to listen and to offer advice if i had any. some just sent in their own kind words and that was always sweet. some of them we had a longer back and forth talking through situations and they thanked me afterward. i got a DM the other day from someone who messaged me years ago to say thank you for hearing them out back in 2016. that really made my day.

but it was really difficult keeping up with all of that, and throughout all of this i wasn't in therapy myself. my messages became growingly personal on twitter to where a couple of my friends would approach me and say "you probably shouldn't be so open about this on twitter." and i ignored them!! looking back on it they were right. there were people who thanked me for being so open about it and said that my openness showed them that they weren't alone in what they were dealing with. which is its own comfort. i'm really glad for that. but finding that next step to improving on things is where the action is. and i couldn't be that. i'm not a therapist or a counselor. (honestly i would like to be but... maybe that'll be later in life!)

for a time this would go on though. i would vent on twitter, being way more open than i probably should've been, people would reply in kind, and it would repeat. i knew things couldn't keep going this way, and so i sought the help of a therapist. this was at the start of 2020.

do you know who else needed therapy at the start of 2020?

my mom everyone!!

everyone was stuck inside. so many people realized they had the same problems i did. and now they were online more than ever to post openly about their struggles, to vent on twitter, to add to the chorus of complaints. sometimes it's good to complain. sometimes it's good to vent! but there needs to be something in place to help you figure out where to go from there, and so many people would just circle the drain of depression, never moving forward, commiserating forever.

this, my friends, is ~the timeskip~. a lot of people are upset. the world seems scarier than ever. i won't pretend a lot of it isn't scary! and that venting isn't okay! but it was just.. too much for me. after pursuing therapy and making fundamental changes in myself, i decided that i wouldn't broadcast all my negativity on twitter. i saw what was happening and wanted to be a happy, positive, genuine voice to lift people up. i was already working on my game development project and so i tried to encourage others to pursue their creative endeavors, doing literally anything other than festering on the negatives. because that will only make everything worse!

sometimes depression and anxiety doesn't give you a choice on how to feel, but you have a choice to get on twitter & contribute to the cacophony. i choose not to! and even now i feel like saying something like this is BAD because...

public enemy

i'm not about to say my depression is "cured," but therapy has helped more than ever to get my depression in a manageable spot. i don't feel helpless. i know that i can figure things out. i've made it through worse! but what still creeps its ugly head from time to time is...

anxiety

i'm a perfectionist and always have been. i didn't understand until the past couple of years that anxiety and perfectionism are basically the same thing! scared of failure, imagining the worst possible outcome and becoming paralyzed by indecision. what if you do the wrong thing? what if you say the wrong thing..??

and this fear has kept me from saying.. basically anything online!

i see my almost 30,000 twitter followers and would think "all it takes is to say something wrong for that ONE person and i'm done." Even now i'm sitting here like, "why even bother saying this?" but i'd rather get this out there for ~ the real ones ~ (and i need the writing practice!).

i'm not about to complain about ~ cancel culture ~ but i can't pretend that being someone with that many eyes on me hasn't made me clam up more than ever.

i see other creators with hundreds of thousands of eyes on them who keep their head buried in their creation and their public presence to a minimum. and i envy that. i want to do that more and more. i would rather that my creative works speak for themselves and people can enjoy and interpret the art i make. i know i only have the smallest percentage of publicity as someone like toby fox, but i get why you'd want to stay more anonymous with how mean some people can be online. even typing these words i think "i'm sure someone's gonna be mad about this" and you know what?

fuck em~!

i know that i'm not a bad person. i want to help people. i have only ever wanted to raise people up and encourage them to do their best. and to be the best they can be!

i think a lot of people are scared to be honest about things, and i can see why. but i want to be authentic.

i want to be myself.

i am cringe.

but i am free.

and all of ~ the real ones ~ will be getting nothing less than that! i hope you will be your cringe ass as well.

in conclusion

i'm grateful for the opportunities i've had and things i've been able to do, but i'm ready to make a solid foot forward establishing my identity as who i really am, not as some caricature. i'll still be doing goofy gameplay videos with Grant here and there because we've known each other forever and he's my best friend and i love him! but my main focus is definitely making this card game and video game and other creative things!

thank you so much for stopping by and sticking with me. i know i may not be exactly what you expected when you first followed, or however you found me. maybe i'm exactly what you expected! in which case... oh no... i have to dial the cringometer at least another 10 notches...

i really enjoy writing like this and haven't had an outlet for it in some time. expect to see more like this as well as some gamedev / game design posts from meeeee. i'm excited to see all the artists on here and to post my own cringe ass art stuff soon too!

have a good one. much love to yall.

おやすみ～