#so i'm trying to get myself unstuck

[reneesbooks]

find the word tag

salt and brine is on an enforced break right now for editing/unblocking purposes but i can still Think about them. tagged by my lovely @oh-no-another-idea to find change, grace, escape, and mine <3. we got kamon pov exclusively today

change

Kamon pulls the Hass woman's shawl around his shoulders, hunkering down against another gust of cold air. He can't stop thinking of her expression when he offered to take her with him, the way shock had faded into fear, how she'd closed her eyes and stepped away. He wonders if he had asked again, if he went back—would she change her mind?

grace

Reijka has spotted the beach. She tugs on Kamon's sleeve and points with wide eyes. He crouches next to her and shakes his head. “You won't like it,” he says. “It's very cold.” She tilts her head to the side, unbothered, and he glances up at Meja and the merchant, engrossed in their negotiations. He stands and catches Meja's attention. “Reijka wants to see the Freezing Beach. We won't be gone long.”

She nods and turns back to the merchant, her jaw set in a stubborn way. Kamon offers his hand to Reijka and she takes it, skipping gracelessly alongside him. They make their way down the gently sloping hill, stopping where the grass fades into the strange white sand. Reijka looks up at him questioningly. He crouches down. “Touch it, see?” He puts his hand on the sand and has to pull back immediately, the cold so intense that it burns. “Too cold.”

Reijka slowly sets her hand atop the sand. She cries out, pulling her hand back, and he reaches out to steady her. “It's okay. It won't hurt you. It just doesn't feel good.”

She looks from her hand to the sand, then up at him with wide eyes. He smiles at her, a lump in his throat. He can't imagine how Stian could have wasted so much time hoping for another child while ignoring the beautiful one he already had.

escape

Reijka is sitting on the bed, speaking quietly to her hands while Eima gurgles happily in her cradle. Kamon pauses in the doorway. “Reijka? Who are you talking to?”

Reijka looks up, beaming. “What I was trying to show you earlier!” She holds out a disgruntled-looking frog, clutched tightly in her hands. “He tried to escape but I caught him again.”

Kamon blinks, registering the creature slowly. Meja runs a hand over Reijka's hair, saying something encouraging that Kamon doesn't manage to translate.

“Oh,” he finally says. “That's nice, darling.”

“Do you know what he is?” Reijka turns the frog over in her hands, examining it curiously. “I've never seen one before and neither has Mommy.”

“Oh.” Kamon shouldn't be so speechless about a frog. He thinks he might be in shock. His back hurts. “It's called a frog. They eat bugs.”

“I like bugs!” Reijka says, delighted.

“Of course you do,” Kamon says faintly.

mine

“Right on time, Kamon,” the captain's voice calls out, and the crew backs away to let her pass. She grins at him and gestures with her pipe. “What the hell happened to you, then?”

“Which version of events would you prefer?” he replies. “Leshen doesn't believe mine.”

“Oh?” the captain chuckles.

“He met a beautiful Hass woman who hid him in her cellar and nursed him tenderly back to health under the nose of her scary husband,” Leshen says, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

The crew roars with laughter and the captain takes a long puff on her pipe, grinning around it. “What really happened, Kamon?”

He shrugs. “That about sums it up.”

tagging @k--havok @writinglyra @akindofmagictoo and anyone else who would like to join in to find expression, fade, creature, and laughter <3

[botched1up1brain]

Short story i made inspired by @meo-eiru 's yandere one eyed monster oc Theo

This is how my oc Zia meets Theo.

.

.

*click*

"My name is Zia Atreya, paranormal investigator. The date and time is September 18 20XX, 2203 hours. I'm on the trail of the creature who's been following me for the past few months, possibly longer. The last time I got a glimpse of the creature it seemed to be 5'8, was wearing a large raincoat, and had one. huge. glowing eye. I have salt, silver, a cross, and a knife, cause who knows what will hurt this thing if I must defend myself. I will be back when I have an update"

*click*

*click*

*sigh*

"My name is Zia, paranormal investigator. The date is September 19 20XX, about 0010 hours.. I've lost the trail, im tired, and I forgot water. I think I need to abandon this mission and resume when I'm *yawn* more awake-"

*leaves rustles amd footsteps*

"..that wasn't me.."

*silence*

*loud running steps, leaves crunching*

"..Oh my god, its right there!"

*more running steps, gasping breathes*

"I saw it's eye! Oh my god I found it! Oh shit- Oof!"

*thump on the ground*

"Fuck! Oww.."

*silence*

"um.. I.. I've lost the creature again.. and my foots- uh! stuck in this tree root.."

*sounds of this girlboss trying to get her foot unstuck from the tree root and failing*

"..Aw man.. okay uh hopefully I'll get unstuck and be back with an update.."

*thud*

".. of course, you dropped the recorder, stupid.. ugh.."

*footsteps getting closer*

"Oh shit.. its coming.."

*girlboss panicking noises*

*closer footsteps*

"Uhm.. can I help..?"

*silence*

*click*

.

I was handed the recorder by a pale hand belonging to the figure. It was like time froze.

I stared at the figure, his face becoming clearer by the second. His eye really did glow in the darkness. His pretty golden iris was surrounded by long lashes and had a round wide nose sitting below, light freckles sprinkled on it.

I recognized that nose. It's usually peeking below a face covered with reddish brown hair, the same hair that frame the unique face of this creature.

I was so lost in his face that I barely noticed he grabbed my foot to pull it out of the thick coiled tree roots. I slowly found my footing despite my right foot aching in pain.

He seemed frozen too, but his face was in a more panicked state. My flashlight bathed us both in a yellow light for a moment, before the boy turned around and ran away.

I didn't chase him this time.

.

*click*

"Um, this is Zia Atreya, paranormal investigator. The date is September 19 20XX, it's 7am. So I did.. technically, succeed in my mission, and I now know who was following me. It's the quiet loner that sits behind me who covers his face, uh Theodore, i think it was? I'm going to hopefully confront him at school today. My foot still aches, but it's not that bad. And my parents didn't hear me sneak back in the house, so yay me. Okay, uh, be back with my update, bye."

*click*

[longhardtransitionreturns]

I'm too weak to stand by the time my wife and our midwife decide it's time to transfer me to the hospital to give birth to our son. I'm splayed listlessly in the birthing pool, my red-rimmed eyes half slipped back in my head. The baby is lodged so tightly in my hips that any tiny movement sends sharp spikes of pain through my pelvis. Pushing is white hot fire and absolutely out of the question so I'm left skewered on the girth of my baby, too out of it from pain and exhaustion to have anymore input on what happens next.

When the paramedics arrive they do their best to hide their shock when they find a 350lb bull dyke with a buzz cut and biker tats inked across her swollen GG breasts grunting in a pool so small I'm touching all the sides.

They move away to confer, likely about moving someone my size, but I'm too out of it to be offended. My big, hairy pussy is bulged out so far it seems almost impossible there's no head showing. My wife Monica moves to my head and kisses my cheek. I can tell she's scared but trying to put on a brave face.

The paramedic who is clearly in charge, a tall, butch Black woman with short nails and even shorter hair, jumps into the pool and introduces herself as Jean before announcing her intention to check me. I'm briefly relieved another lesbian is going to be the stranger who is digging around in my pussy then I feel her fingers enter my overstuffed hole and I can't bite back a weak moan at the intrusion. She rubs my bulge gently near my clit and makes a shushing noise. My eyes roll back in my head involuntarily at the intimate touch. I'm hurting too bad for it to be pleasurable but it gives me a tiny ounce of relief nonetheless.

Monica is staring down at me with worry on her face when Jean announces to her team that the baby is stuck on my pubic bone and the first step to getting it unstuck is to get me standing. I barely have time to protest before the 3 muscled young men taking orders from Jean are helping lift my bulk from the tub.

Even with five people supporting my weight I am unable to keep myself from falling gracelessly into a wide squat as the weight of my huge child drops down even further. My bulging pussy hits the water as I feel the unmistakable sensation of urgently crowning what must be an absolutely huge head.

I'm screaming about the fire in my crotch as Jean takes one of my meaty thighs, the biggest paramedic takes the other, and the other two support my back as I am lifted, legs spread around my crown, onto the floor beside the birthing pool.

The best case scenario, Jean tells me over my screaming sobs, is that I push it out right here and she and her team give me and baby a ride to the hospital. It looks like that might work for a few pushes but I'm fading faster than before and don't have much to give in the way of help. She briefly considers forceps but would rather get me to the hospital if my baby is still in danger of breaking my pelvis when I push him out. She reaches inside my rubber band tight lips to feel where the head had previously been stuck on a bone and noticeably pales.

She doesn't say anything out loud to alarm me or my wife but she tells her team with harsh urgency that we are transferring to the hospital immediately. I'm being moved again, still with my legs spread wide by men on either thigh, on to a bariatric stretcher and rolled out of my living room before I can even think to protest being rolled out of my front door naked, my crowned, leaking pussy bared for for all our straight, conservative neighbors to see.

I hear Jean telling Monica and our midwife that they're going to have to meet us at the hospital. Between my size and the seriousness of my potential injuries, they need all the room they can get to keep me intact until I'm able to be rushed into emergency surgery.

I don't hear whether my wife argues or not because I'm being lifted up into the ambulance. The jostling sends a sharp, warning pain through my pubic bone and I scream for them to stop moving me. Jean yells almost at the same time, glaring at her subordinates. She orders them to freeze with my feet tilted up into the ambulance and then leans down to place her palm firmly against my crown.

The counter pressure immediately eases some of the burning sensation around my lips and the ominous aching in my pelvic bones. I lay my head back and groan at feeling, for the first time since I hit transition, some of the pain lessening rather than intensifying.

I focus on how good it feels to have Jean pushing back on some of the insane pressure in my cunny while they settle me into the ambulance. A strap is placed around my straining middle and the stretcher is locked into place. One of the nameless young men starts an IV as the sirens start blaring and I feel the ambulance start to move.

Jean, still holding my crown, tells me her colleague is giving me something for the pain and that a surgical team is being assembled right now to meet the ambulance and rush me into the operating room.

"Everything's going to be just fine, Libby. You and your baby are going to be just fine as long as you don't push. No matter how bad you need to bear down, you can't. You will break your pubic bone and probably your tail bone and you really don't want to do that."

I don't. I've already started to feel the effects of the drugs and I'm still in more pain than I've ever been in my life but there is a thin, hazy distance from it now. I feel the warmth of Jean's hand around my crown and I blink up at her with what I think might be close to a flirtatious smile.

"Just don't move your hand, baby," I mumble and she clearly understands because her cheeks redden and she cracks a wide, slightly embarrased smile.

"Alright, Sappho. Glad those drugs are starting to work."

I probably wasn't going to respond because I was seconds away from passing out when suddenly the ambulance is hitting something with extreme force and my gravid body is bouncing up into the air. I see, as if in slow motion, Jean's steadying hand get ripped away from my pussy.

I'm slammed back down on to the stretcher and, inevitably, my bones shatter. When they give way my baby is ejected out to his shoulders before anyone can stop him to try to spare me even greater injury.

I'm writhing and screaming incoherently as I feel Jean gingerly pull my son out the rest of the way. I can feel his heft shifting around pieces of bone in me as he slithers out and I am acutely aware how badly I wish I could lose consciousness.

I don't. When my son leaves my body to be handed off to one of the men and my clenching cavity clamps down on nothing, I am catapulted into another stratosphere of pain. I start hyperventilating and am barely able to understand Jean as she straddles the stretcher in between my legs and starts to touch my lips.

"Libby, hold on for me, honey. I'm gonna do something and it's gonna hurt like the dickens and then it's going to feel amazing. Just keep breathing for me, sweetheart."

Why I look down right at that moment I will never know but I watch her gloved, fisted hands plunge into my pussy and my asshole at the same time. I use my last remaining strength to wail in protest as it feels like a white hot iron is being rammed through my pelvis. Then she does what can only be described as a punch with the fist in my cunt and I almost throw up with how suddenly relieved I feel because of whatever Jean's hands are doing to hold my gravely injured body together.

Don't get me wrong. I'm still in agony. But between whatever Jean's fists just did and the drugs starting to kick in even more, I'm barely able to do anything other than lay there and whimper.

When we get to the hospital the medics have just taken me down from the ambulance when Monica runs up. She takes in Jean, straddling the stretcher in between my legs and then the position of her fists in both my holes. My face is a rictus of pain and shock and I'm horrified to discover I can't talk. I'm not even able to close my mouth when I feel drool slipping down my chin.

I look up at my wife, who's being handed our 15lb baby. She walks beside my stretcher as I'm rushed in to the trauma bay. I fight with all my will to be able to muster up the strength to say one more thing to the love of my life before the drugs pull me under completely. The fact that I'm about to almost die on the table three times because I'm silently hemorrhaging into my abdomen as we speak is the only thing that comes between me and divorce later so stupid were the words I chose to say.

"Jean's hands feel so good in my ass and my pussy. God, it feels so good."

[ruelpsen]

Truly one of the funny things about having these kinks is that I get turned on by the most mundane-seeming stuff. Like knowing there was a whole stick of butter in my dinner turned me on. So did burping openly while washing dishes in a communal dorm kitchen after stuffing myself. And later realizing I'm mindlessly rubbing my belly trying to get more burps unstuck. Absolute slut behavior, right?

[writingquestionsanswered]

Hello! Can I ask some advice on how to get inspiration/motivation back?

I am recently struggling a bit with this, trying to keep writing but the inspiration just decided to disappear, I can't bring myself to write more than one line.

(I love every post you make, you really are helpful your explanations are lovely ♡)

Trying to Get Inspiration/Motivation Back

I'm so happy you're enjoying the blog! I have a bunch of previous posts with tips for motivation and inspiration. Some are general, others are more geared to when you're working on a specific WIP.

It really helps if you can pinpoint whether it's an issue with yourself, such as not being in the mood to write or being distracted by other things, or if it's an issue with your story/stories... because knowing that can help you focus your efforts on that particular area. I've included links related to both below! ♥

Guide: How to Rekindle Your Motivation to Write Guide: Filling Your Creative Well 5 Reasons You Lost Interest in Your WIP, Plus Fixes! Feeling Unmotivated with WIP Getting Excited About Your Story Again Getting Unstuck: Motivation Beyond Mood Boards & Playlists Building Confidence in Your Writing Have Plot, Can’t Write

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

I’ve been writing seriously for over 30 years and love to share what I’ve learned. Have a writing question? My inbox is always open!

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[porcupine-girl]

There is a lesson in here somewhere

IDK, not quite about killing your darlings since this wasn't really darling but about when you're stuck, letting go of what you've got planned or already wrote to get unstuck.

I'm trying desperately to finish this WIP I started back in 2018 for the WIP Big Bang. Fighting with my writing brain the whole way.

I was very very stuck on an early scene. I knew exactly what was supposed to happen, down to what position they were going to have sex in. Scene has been in my brain for several years. Couldn't write it. Maybe because I've been writing less smut than I did back then, and smut was always the hardest thing for me to write? But also maybe because I'll never be back in whatever very specific headspace I was in when I started this scene and so making it go the way I thought it was supposed to go is going to be smashing a round peg into a square hole no matter what.

I had to have such an argument with myself to finally get to what in hindsight is the logical solution!

Me: They could have sex differently. Maybe instead of rushing madly into it they take their time.

*tries that*

*still stuck*

Me2: Maybe... they don't have to have sex? Me: They've already fucked twice, despite this being their first actual date, it seems likely they'd do it again. Me2: Sure, but what if they didn't? Me: But Bitty has to spend the night, it's important to the plot and characters for multiple reasons. Me2: Yes, but he could spend the night and they just... don't have sex. Me: I think you're just trying to worm your way out of writing the smut you're stuck on. Me2: Yeah so? Me: They're so horny for each other, though, that's been established. Me2: Yeah, but what if they don't have sex this time. Me: ...

Lo and behold, when I finally convinced myself to think about how the scene might go if they don't have sex, it worked immediately. I knew exactly what conversation this would lead to, which could reinforce things they said earlier, and how to transition to Bitty spending the night anyhow. I sat down today and easily wrote nearly 1000 words and finished the scene.

Now, the lesson here might be something about not forcing myself to write smut just because there are already explicit scenes in this fic, when my brain doesn't want to, but I think the bigger lesson is if I want to finish this damn thing that might mean throwing out bits of my outline and accepting it going a different way.

[rweoutofthewoods]

do you have a writing routine? or any tips for writing? like starting a fanfiction or things you do when you get stuck midway?

Yes!

My routine has always been to basically to write every day possible (formerly every day, but I got incredibly fatigued and burnt out). I used to write every morning. I'd cut out time early in my day and take my laptop with me to get coffee or just writeat home with my caffeine. That used to work really well for me, but I've become less of a morning person (started staying up too late to get up early) so now I write pretty much every night. After work, or it used to be after classes during the semester. I have a writing buddy I write with most nights, so that helps a lot with holding me accountable (and also taking a deserved break sometimes). I just set up somewhere comfortable and do put away any distractions. I have a whole fancy desk set up, but ngl I usually write in my bed 😭 really, I just try to always do a few things that put me in "writing mode" which includes the right music, some sort of drink, tying my hair up and putting on my glasses (which I never wear otherwise except for driving because I'm vain, so it really puts me in the right mode when I'm not blind for once.)

As for starting a fic, a playlist or a certain vibe is very important for me. I don't always know what my plot will be, or sometimes even have more than a vague idea. But I'm very imagery-based when writing, so as long as I have something distinct in the setting, the vibe, or a certain character, I can get a lot out of it. (case in point, god bless america began with a clear image of the setting in my mind, a U.S Girls song, and not a single piece of actual plot.)

This might be the worst advice ever, but if I get stuck on something I usually give up. NOW HEAR ME OUT... I'm going somewhere with this. I thrive on having a lot of ideas and different stories to write, so if I'm really, truly stuck, I'll take a break and work on something else. 95% of the time, whether it takes a day or months, I'll randomly get struck by inspiration or the answer will just come to me and I can jump back in. That's why I'll often fail to update something for a long time and then randomly jump back in with a bunch of updates. Sometimes it's good to take a break from it. I'm a maladaptive daydreamer, and they images and dialouge comes to me really vividly whenever I'm just spending time on my own, and I spend a lot of time just like... thinking about fics, so they usually sneak in and I end up figuring out a scene to myself before I write it which helps me get unstuck. Also, sometimes if I'm stuck on something I just skip it for a while. Not everything has to be linear. I jump around to future scenes and it becomes a lot easier to fill in the missing pieces once I know where I'm going.

Hope this gives you some ideas xx

[hexpea]

Ch. 9 - Ignorant

As the afternoon droned on, Seiko managed to fall asleep. Their head fell back on the sofa and light snores escaped their throat as their mouth fell agape. You sighed to yourself, glad that they had found a moment of peace in whatever turmoil they were facing, at least you hoped. You took a moment to pull the blanket you shared up further onto them to keep them warm.

Just as you were about to settle back into the movie, your phone buzzed with a text message. You carefully reached for it, trying not to wake Seiko from their deep slumber. The text was from Ieiri.

Y/N! How dare you not tell me you were back in town? You chuckled at her scolding as you read her message. I had to find out from that blindfolded idiot!

You didn't hesitate to text her back. Sorry, Shoko, it was for personal stuff. I'm still in town for a while if you want to meet up.

Unacceptable. She wrote back. We're getting together tonight, no ifs, ands, or buts about it. I'll make sure everyone's there. She was clearly referencing going drinking, something that you used to do separately from Gojo in the early days of your marriage. You and Ieiri both enjoyed the atmosphere, mostly people watching -- maybe some dancing. It was the only time you saw her usually calm and cool self evaporate into someone completely new.

"Hey, Seiko..." you gently shook Seiko awake. Their eyes groggily unstuck themselves, "I just got a message from Shoko. She's an old friend," you filled in the gaps, "she wants me to go out with our old classmates tonight. What do you think?"

Seiko's eyes continued to blink in order to adjust, quickly rubbing them so that they'd adjust quicker. "Clubbing, huh? Sounds like fun," they answered, their voice still sleepy, "you should go, Y/N. I'll be fine here."

You bit your bottom lip out of excitement. "Are you sure? I don't want to leave you alone," you invited.

Seiko gave a reassuring smile. "I'll be more than fine. I've got some ideas for myself already. You go enjoy your night."

You flattened your expression out of a bit of concern. With the subtle changes happening within Seiko, what could they be up to? Ignorantly, you decided to trust them in favor of going out with Shoko and the rest of your old classmates. You felt that you owed Seiko some blind trust after what had conspired the night before, even against your best interest. With a mixture of excitement and a hint of reluctance, you texted Shoko that you'd join them for a night of partying.

You eagerly got ready for your night while Seiko remained on the sofa, flicking through channels with a somber look on their face. You tried your best to keep them from your mind, knowing they'd come to you with whatever was bothering them at the right time...hopefully. You stayed focused on getting dolled up, missing Ieiri and the others dearly. You were happy to have a night of relief after all of the stress.

Since you mostly stayed behind and didn't really go on any missions during your time at the school, you spent a majority of your time with Ieiri and enjoyed spending time with the other classmates in general -- Nanami and Ijichi. Geto and Haibara were honorable mentions. Unfortunately, Haibara had passed away during your third year and Geto, you had no idea what had become of him since he became a curse user those years ago.

After a while, your Uber had arrived and you went to head out, making sure to give Seiko the name of the club you were going to just in case something were to happen. You didn't know where the night could lead you, especially considering the night before. You wanted to be a little footloose so getting a ride and letting Seiko know where you were going was a good way to cover your ass.

You nearly jumped out of the car as soon as it pulled over to your destination. The club looked active, people coming and going with large, drunken smiles on their faces. A few people were smoking just outside the door and others were making out in the nearby alleyway. You could already hear the music blaring through the open doorway as you made your way past the bouncer. Needless to say, you were excited!

The bass thumped through the club's dance floor as colorful lights danced overhead. Your heart raced as you looked around for your friends. Ieiri, Nanami, and Ijichi were all there, not to mention that stupid, familiar crop of white hair. He wasn't supposed to be there. You thought you had seen the last of him, but there he was, schmoozing with a clearly irritated Nanami as he sipped on some whiskey at the bar. Ieiri wasn't too far off, all smiles while dancing with a stranger and a lit cigarette dangling from her lips. Ijichi was with Nanami, quietly drinking a cocktail of his own and minding his own business.

"Hi!" You shouted over the music with a big smile to Ieiri while walking toward the bar. She greeted you back and happily followed you to the bar where you ordered a drink, body still moving to the music even as you walked. You needed it in order to get through the night if Gojo was going to be there.

"Long time, no see!" Ieiri smiled, speaking loudly over the music. She gave you a small hug, using just one arm to do so as the bartender placed your drink in front of you. She smelled of smoke and alcohol. "How have you been, Y/N?!"

You wasted no time in sucking down the drink in front of you and ordering a second before even answering Ieiri's question. The bubbly liquid burned on its way down, immediately warming your stomach with its intoxicating juices. "Wonderful!" You answered loudly and rolled your eyes, a heavy hint of sarcasm in your voice.

"That's good to hear!" She replied, not getting it. It was clear that she was already very drunk, sarcasm was something that could easily slip right by her in such a state. She was certainly in rare form, you loved this version of Ieiri and couldn't blame her.

"What's Satoru doing here? I thought it'd just be us," you asked her, cutting right to the chase and leaning a bit closer to her ear so you wouldn't have to shout so much.

As you asked, she glanced over at him. He was grinning and still talking Nanami's ear off. Based on his demeanor, you could tell he chose to stay sober this night. Your dinner was obviously a one-off situation for him drinking-wise. "I didn't tell him you were coming," she replied, "totally forgot to mention it. I just mentioned we were going out and he invited himself!" She laughed, snorting at her mistake. You rolled your eyes as she left your side to continue dancing.

After your second drink, you went and joined her on the dance floor. You happily swayed and jumped to the music that nearly vibrated through your skull with volume, schmoozing with strangers as the alcohol made you much more loose and talkative. Your face had even begun to hurt with the permanently wide smile plastered on your drunkenly red expression. 

When you'd had enough of the dancing and were ready for another drink, you meandered back to the bar to order. Your heart rate was sky-high with adrenaline, happy hormones flowed through your veins. There was no place you'd rather be.

Nanami was next to you, finishing the last of his drink. Gojo had finally left him alone to dance with Shoko. The two of you hadn't yet spoke a word to one another. Nanami ordered another drink with you as you began to make light conversation. From your school days, if you weren't with Ieiri you enjoyed time with him -- a sweet but stoic man who took everything way too seriously. You appreciated that about him, he was someone you could trust without question.

"I thought you'd quit!" You smiled at him as he held a flat expression despite the whiskey. You were asking about his choice to return to sorcery. "What brought you back to us?" You phrased the question as if you hadn't left the life behind either.

Nanami used his head to motion behind him where Gojo was dancing. He was spinning Ieiri as the two held the biggest of smiles, truly carefree. "I did quit, but he still won't leave me alone," Nanami answered, speaking loudly and sitting up in order to get closer to your ear. 

"Oh!" You nodded as he pulled away. You almost didn't even need his answer, Gojo was the obvious answer.

He was about to continue your conversation, his eyes had briefly flickered to your engagement ring. The whole community knew about your divorce filing dilemma, word traveling quickly by word of mouth. He had opened his mouth to ask when the devil himself had suddenly come to steal you away.

You felt as Gojo's arm slinked around your waist to slightly turn your body toward him, his own slightly pressed to yours. Nanami watched with an irritated expression. Despite being sober, he clearly had no restraint with his enjoyment in teasing you. He was using your inebriation to his advantage, though he knew it'd be fruitless -- he just like to get you riled up.

"Y/N!" He greeted you with a wide grin, expression bright despite the black blindfold. "Baby!" He chuckled and leaned forward to kiss your cheek.

You leaned away from him and placed your left hand gently on his chest, turning your cheek. He still managed to press a lingering peck, your face immediately turning even more red than it was already. "Satoru," you scolded as his lips were pressed to your cheek, "we're not doing this here." You couldn't help but laugh, the alcohol messing with your inhibitions yet again.

"Oh come on," he pouted sarcastically with a crooked grin, "you can't blame me for trying. You're irresistible, you know." He leaned toward your hear, hiding his face from Nanami, and whispered in your ear.

You rolled your eyes, though a small part of you couldn't help but smile at his persistence. "Smooth, as always."

Ieiri, who was now sitting on the other side of you, chimed in. "What happened with the divorce, you two? Clearly you're getting close now, that's for sure." She couldn't help but ask, asking exactly what Nanami wanted to know.

You were about to answer when Gojo quickly piped up to answer for you. "Don't worry!" He smiled, speaking over the music as Nanami and Ieiri both looked toward you with intrigue. "I signed them, you just have to file them, right, Y/N?" You felt his grip on your waist slightly tighten with interest, your heart raced even harder as memories of the night prior flooded your mind. Temptation was setting in yet again. The usual restraint you had was being heavily tested and for some odd reason, you found yourself failing.

"Ye-" you were about to confirm, surprised that he had told the truth despite his lascivious hold on you. 

"But don't worry, we're still the best of friends," he tauntingly leaned toward you once more, interrupting your answer. 

Nanami narrowed his vision at the two of you in suspicion. He hadn't yet heard about your new engagement, so he had automatically assumed the ring on your finger was your original. To him, something was still going on but the ring on your finger was definitely not the one from Gojo.

Ieiri raised an eyebrow, a mischievous glint in her eye. "Best friends, huh? That's one way to put it."

Nanami, who had been quietly observing the situation, couldn't hide his disapproval. He took a swig of the new drink in front of him. "Judging by the ring on her finger then," it now clicking for him, "you shouldn't be touching her like that."

Nanami's statement only triggered Gojo even more, a cocky grin sliding across his face as he gently grabbed your wrist from the hand that was on his chest. Your eyes widened in disbelief as he suddenly began pulling the ring from your finger, putting it in his pocket before placing your hand back to where it was.

"There," Gojo smirked, "problem solved. Happy, Nanamin?"

Nanami scowled at Gojo something fierce before looking toward you with an expression that read 'do you want me to do something about him?' You gave a weak smile as if to signal it was alright, the heat still very present in your face.

He sighed, realizing there was no point in further pursuing the issue. "I see you two have your own way of handling things," he muttered, a hint of exasperation in his voice as he took another sip.

Ieiri couldn't help but laugh at the exchange between you. "Well, this is certainly a lively reunion," she noted, enjoying the drama.

Gojo decided to ease the tension with a lighthearted remark. "Nanami's always been the overprotective type," he chuckled and looked back toward you, his face too close for comfort as he grinned.

Nanami rolled his eyes. "You're the one who tends to attract trouble."

[ezziefox]

The Reason Why I Can't Move On in Writing + more depressing thoughts

I think I just realized why it's so hard for me to surpass three or four chapters max when I begin to write my new books, or why I always find myself taking a break and taking forever to get back to it, and when I do, the momentum that might've never been there in the first place is lost and I don't know where to pick back up in my WIP.

I recently became more and more aware of how much time I spend on social media. But that's not the big issue I'm talking about here. It's my attention span and my anxiety.

Addressing the Anxiety

There are a lot of things in my life that I get anxiety about, and it largely comes into play whenever I'm writing in my free time. As I still attend high school, I don't get much free time, but even in my free time I fret about how much time I have. Because when I write, I love to get lost in it, listening to my music and all. But, as a person who has a strong hatred for my school especially and nothing can ever fix that hatred (the pandemic ruined everything for me in that regards), every time I open Word or some other app to begin my writing, instead of thinking about getting lost in my work and getting in the moment and writing seamlessly like I did when I first discovered Wattpad back in the summer of 2020, I instead focus on how much time I have to write what I want to.

And because of this constant timer and thought in the back of my head, instead of getting lost in what I love to do, I am instead constantly fearful and anxious of my time running out before I have to go to bed to return to the very place that depresses and maddens me to my core. And I have nothing nor no one to blame but my own mental health. But I still can never find myself liking school to at least make myself feel better. I wish I could attend a different school, even in a different country. I really wish I could have a restart so that I can have an open mind and freeer mind to continue doing what I love.

And in times when I get endless time like I've never before like summer, that idea of endless time and "soon I'll be able to do what I want to do with no push or setbacks" quickly dries up and goes out the door. Especially when my trip is close to ending, all I can ever really think about is how much time I have left. I'd rather spend it procrastinating and "having fun" whilst still realizing that it will come to an end, rather than get lost in my writing and when I shut the computer and look up, it's time for all fun to end — the free paper is burned.

I genuinely don't know how I'm going to get through this part without a complete mind reset and change of environment. As it goes for the mind reset part, my mind will never change. Not without a significant change in my life. And I hate that. But my mind refuses to be unstuck from the place it is in now.

As for...

Addressing My Short Attention Span

Because of the aforementioned anxiety with time I addressed, I've begun to consume my media (entertainment & procrastination) in short form so that it feels like I've gotten in so much fun in such a short time that I feel satisfied. How to explain this in simpler terms?.... Well.... I'm constantly fearful and anxious of my free time ending that I convince myself it's been longer than it's truly been by watching short-form content such as YT shorts, Instagram reels, and when I watch actual full-length videos, instead of watching completely through the video, I simply listen to it for a short while, and to get the gist of it and thoughts on it, I read through the comments while watching as little of it as I need to before I quickly lose interest and go find a different video to watch.

Tonight, as I write this to save it as a draft to post tomorrow, I've been trying to fix my attention span by sitting through some of the old content I used to watch, that being documentary-type videos. It's been going well so far. I've sat through all the videos and seldom went to the comment section. I didn't skip through any of them or anything like that. However, I did stop in the middle of one video to come and write this right now. I knew I could've waited until tomorrow, but I feared I wouldn't have been able too convey the emotions of realization that I am feeling right now as well and explain it as well as I am feeling it.

——

I'm hoping that this truly is my issue, and that once I fix my attention span, I can at least get through writing more chapters, no matter how long it takes. I'm fully aware that especially once school starts back, so will the anxiety leeching itself onto me. But anything is better than nothing, right?

Sigh.

If you're just like me, or something like it, my advice to address and sort out your attention span. And if it's within your reach and capability, your anxiety too. It's these things that hold us back from accomplishing anything in life, and writing is something we wish to accomplish, so if you can, find a way to conquer them. Do what I currently can't.

All of this deeply saddens me. I don't know where to go next, if I even want to move, or what will find its way to me next. Needless to say, I don't have much hopes for the future, but at the same time I do.

I like to tell myself I always give up, and then I realize that I never truly do and it's always f*cking with me. Sometimes I wish I would just give up, because no matter how much I want things or desperately hope that some miracle will grant certain things in my life, I always end up f-cking myself over in the end. I am mentally f-cked and tired. No matter how many breaks I get, it never seems to be enough for me.

And I always want more. I get told I already have everything. It's just so much going on in my life from family, to friends, to my own mind that just constantly fucks me over and disregards me in every way. I don't want to drop any personal information regarding the people around me, so that's all I'm gonna say about that.

You know, today I realized that it's one thing: being a kid and never truly realizing how much something or someone in your life is mentally f-cking you over, versus growing older and you're only a teen and you realize it in real time as it's happening. Earlier I wished that I could just be the former: be a kid that doesn't realize the mental gravity and toll that's being taken on me as I have no one but my cousin in my life that truly understands me and went through the same experiences as me and it's mentally f_cked her too.

[howi99]

Project A.R.C chapter 5

Jaune: Stuck on a tree … That was close and could have impaled me, Pyrrha.

Pyrrha: I'm sorry! I just saw you didn't seem to be controlling your landing and i thou-

Jaune: No no, it did help me. I wouldn't have died or even hurt myself but my aura would have taken a hit. So, i thank you but do not do that again.

Pyrrha: Y-yes… Also, will you be able to get out of the tree? Or should i unstuck you?

Jaune: I'm taking my time to see for any commotion ahead. That and i see two places where the relics could be.

Pyrrha: I saw a cavern south from here. We could always take a look inside?

Jaune: Good idea. Try to unstuck himself … Pyrrha, i need assistance. My arms are not in the best angles.

[femmefatalevibe]

Hey love! I'm 23 and feel so lost in life. It feels like I'm stuck in a place. Recently I've been having this strong inner urge to change something about myself... Like I just want to change myself physically idk how. Im working out and stuff but I feel I am still the same, no change. How do I tackle this inner urge to change? Also I have adhd and severe anxiety so even a little change scares me the most but at the same time I want to change!? Please guide. Thank you 🙏 ♥

Hi love! I recommend the following exercise/practice to help you set your goals/create an action plan that doesn't feel too intimidating, so you can gain momentum and get "unstuck":

List out your 1-3 main goals and reasons why you want to achieve them (these can be as deep or superficial as necessary to strike a chord with you. Whatever reason feels genuine and most truthful to the point where you feel your emotions staring back at you when writing it out on the page/document).

After listing out these main goals, for your physical appearance, I would try to categorize your action items into 4 buckets: nutrition, exercise, self-care/wellness, and personal style

Then, write out all of the changes you want to make in each of these areas to become your "ideal self." Get specific here – instead of saying "I want to work out more," write out how many workouts you want to do, what type (cardio, weights, pilates, etc.) for how long, and how many times per week you want to do these work outs

Next, get creative and have some fun listing out all of the ideas/workout videos/recipes/self-care ideas and activities, etc. you could do to fill in these "gaps" in your goal schedule for the week

Once you have several ideas for each goal, plug them into your days (e.g. I'll do this 15-minute YouTube workout on Tuesday, take this 1-hour long walk through the park on Thursday, make this cool healthy dinner on Friday, do a full-body exfoliation and moisturizing routine on Sunday, etc.)

Start slow and only incorporate one small change per day – maybe only 2-3 times a week for the first week or two. Consistency, not frequency, will ultimately help you win the race

Keep it short, creative, varied, and low-stakes are essential to task completion and goal-setting, IMO, if you have any type of anxiety/ADHD.

Hope this helps xx

[kitsune-pop]

CW P!SS MUSK SWEAT

It's a beautiful day out, and after a week of storms I not letting it go to waste! Slipping on my favorite dress and heading out to go to my favorite park, I immediately hit the humid Texas summer air and started to sweat. But I'm not letting a bit of heat keep me cooped up any more! Even when my dress sticks to my back by the time I get to my car, cranking up the AC should take care of that problem! It is really hot though, and I could afford to stop by a fast food place for a quick drink!

Of course getting stuck behind someone ordering for an entire family isn't fun, and it looks like traffic is picking up, but it's no problem? Even if this hundred degree weather is putting my AC to the test, I finally get my large drink and hit the road! And sit in traffic. For forty minutes. Ugh.

Finally, I'm at the park! My drink barely made it halfway through traffic, but nevermind that, I'm here to enjoy myself! Walking through nature always puts my mind at ease, listening to the forest breathe and grow is music to my ears! I barely care that the heat is making me sweat like crazy, I'll just put my hair in a ponytail to keep it from sticking! Although I can't do as much for my dress sticking to my back.

I barely notice the time pass until I get to my favorite part of the park; the turtle pond! A family is just now leaving, so I have the place to myself to relax and take in the sights. It's so peaceful here, and sitting on one of the benches in the shade gives me a much needed break. As I listen to the pond gently splash and watch the turtles float around, I tug at my dress collar to try and get it unstuck from my chest. I'm immediately hit with powerful girlmusk; looks like I forgot my deodorant. I knew I was forgetting something this morning! A quick sniff of my pits confirms it, I am one stinky girl. Oh well, it's just me here, and I'm gonna enjoy this park, stink or no stink! Relaxing, I close my eyes and let the gentle sounds of nature wash over me... and feel a familiar twinge between my legs. Frowning, I try to ignore it, but it looks like that large drink decided to hit my bladder all at once. I want to stay a while longer, but there's nothing stopping me from coming back after a quick trip to the restroom . So I hop up, brush some bark that stuck to my sweaty legs, and make my way to the restroom that's a little bit further up the trail.

...And find that it's closed, the roof caved in from the storms last week. Crap. You know that thing where it feels like your bladder knows it's close to a toilet, so it tries to let it all out? Yeah, that's what's happening right now. I clench my legs together, trying to hold on. I could go to another restroom that's a little further in, but that one might be out of order too! I passed by the restroom by the front gate, and that one looked fine, but that's almost a twenty minute walk away! I'll never make it!

...No, mama didn't raise a quitter. I've been going to this park for years, I know all the side paths and shortcuts. I can make it. I clench my stomach and start power walking down the path, really starting to sweat now. Between the heat, stress and physical exertion I'm absolutely drenched. My collar is dark with sweat and my dress is sticking to my back and legs, making walking even harder. To top it all, my stomach feels like it's going to burst from how bad I have to pee, and it feels like it's starting to distend from how full my bladder is! I hop off the trail, slipping through some denser trees to shorten my trip. I hope I can make it!

My bladder gives a sudden clench, and I'm forced to stop, squeezing my thighs together as hard as I can to keep from peeing myself. I look up and through the tears in my eyes I see an info board! I'm almost there! I limp forward, glancing at the board to see where I was- WHAT DO YOU MEAN I'M AT THE FAR END OF THE PARK!? The board clearly points to the back end of the park with a helpful "you are here" message attached. I must have taken a wrong turn while I was walking! I get another bad cramp and lean against the board, sweating and gasping as I try to hold myself together. I see on the map that there's another restroom just down the trail; I have to get there and hope it isn't closed like the last one!

I hobble down the path, clenching my thighs as tight as I can, hoping o .ake it on time. As I cross a little bridge over a creek, one more cramp sends me to my knees. I gasp, squeezing with all my strength to try and hold it in. I don't want to ruin my favorite dress! But I don't think I can make it. Maybe I should... No! This is a public park, someone could see! Another cramp, stronger than the last, brings tears to my eyes and a small groan. I'm at the back of the park, and I haven't seen anyone since the turtle pond. Look, it's this or pee yourself and have to sit in it on the trip home.

Pushing myself to my feet, I waddle over to the edge of the bridge, glancing around nervously. I don't see or hear anyone, and I've reached my limit. Hiking up my dress, I pull my panties down and immediately smell the powerful musk coming from my hairy balls. I was cooped up for a week, there wasn't any reason to keep up with shaving! I grab my girlcock, aim it, and release. I have to stifle a moan as the stream burst from me, making a perfect golden ark. I glance around as more and more piss flows from me, the stream lasting several seconds as my bladder relaxes. I can feel my stomach return to its original size as my bladder empties, my stream slowing to a trickle, and then a dribble. I give my girlcock a few shakes to make sure I got it all out, pull up my panties and let my dress drop back down.

Turning, I hum to myself as I make my way towards the front of the park. It's such a beautiful day, and now that my emergency is taken care of there's no reason not to enjoy my day at the park, right?

[dramalets]

2024 Watch List pt1

Here we go again!

To sir, with love - This is a lakorn so it's appropriately dramatic. The mothers are absolutely foul and do an awful lot of scheming and yelling. Jam/Film are intensely watchable and make wet fish kisses look terribly romantic. Tongtong Kitsakorn as Yang was a revelation. I'm sad he's pm just a lakorn actor/pop star because he is so watchable. I loved that, though they were evil and insane, the mothers all felt fleshed out and realised. You understood why they were yikes. 3½/5 (2/1/23)

A Boss & a Babe - I quit this at episode 2 and then decided to go back to it. I don’t regret doing so. This isn’t top tier but it’s also not shit tier. Cher, the very dictionary definition of toxic positivity, and Gun, an autism coded cat man, enter into an extremely quick romance (like seriously, it’s taken hard worn lesbians longer to say I love you) the catch being they’re intern and company boss. Honestly in another drama that would have been the the huge hiccup of the series, keeping them apart, but it’s consistently shown to be more of an issue for others that it is for them. This is very low conflict, mostly romcom fluff with two weirdly intense, barely explored side stories for support characters. I didn’t loath Force in this and would actually like him to be given more roles where he’s just a soft simp and not a boring sarcastic one. Book does some good comedy work here. 3/5 (4/1/23)

The day I loved you - I know this won’t work for everyone. It’s a bittersweet ten episode love story between a boy with ASL and the ‘rebel’ exchange student at his school. Pinoy BL, for me, either really hits or really misses and this hit. It does use a questionable model of disability, namely the inspiration model, but I cant nit pick too much when this is only ten 15/20 minute episodes. I enjoyed it a lot, you may also if you’re okay with a bittersweet ending vs an out and out happy one. 3½/5 (12/1/24)

VIP Only - Well this was adorable. Slow as molasses and just as sweet. This probably won’t be for everyone, very slow and not much happens other than character growth and a love story, but it worked for me. The edit is horrendous in places and I do wish Taiwan did longer episodes, but those are my only gripes. 3½/5 (19/1/24)

I cannot reach you - I don’t really watch Jbl. There are just styles and tropes that I don’t enjoy watching that Japan uses a lot of. It’s a taste thing more than it is anything else. So keep that in mind. This is full of a lot of the things I don’t like; over action, randomly running everywhere, sudden non-con. But it’s also endearingly sweet and very well acted, so I did find myself enjoying it. I don’t think this’ll awaken a desire to watch lots of Jbl but it has made me consider some others. 3/5 (20/1/24)

Last Twilight - I had a lot of fun with this. The dialogue and acting were all top notch and, as ever with Aof productions, it was stunning to look at. It weaves the story of two broken people healing one another very well with Jimmy & Sea doing beautiful work as Mhok & Day. I think this came a little unstuck at points in the end. I liked most of the romance movie style ending but I remain a little unsure about Day’s ending. Still, this is a show that I enjoyed every week and will have no issues rewatching. 4/5 (26/1/24)

Old Fashion Cupcake - I’m working on trying out more JBL to get a feel for what I do and don’t like. This? This I like. We don’t have enough stories about older people anyway and this does it well. Togawa’s slow courting of Nozue through shared experiences and casual intimacy is delicious to watch. 4/5 (4/2/24)

Pit Babe - I love when I show wholly knows what it is and doesn’t try and be anything but that. This knew it was a big ol’ fanfic and leaned wholeheartedly into that. Whether it was the breeding program subplot or the consistently dumb toothpaste and sausage ppl it handled them both with equal aplomb. It’s also worth noting that was largely really well acted too! Pavel, Nut & Sailub particularly impressed me but there was nobody bad. 4/5 (9/2/24)

Our Dining Table - My journey into JBL continues and this was the best one yet. Soft pining between two sad boy leads with a gorgeous found family story woven in. The treacle slow courting between these two won’t be for everyone but it was wholly for me. 5/5 (17/2/24)

Cooking Crush - The edit on this was criminally bad at points, sometimes I truly felt I’d skipped a part and I hadn’t at all, but it still served up a good little story. If you’re visiting this for the romance it’s not really that, the story is in the friends and their lives more than it is in Ten & Prem’s romance. I loved the comedy in this, it hit those notes well and was never over the top. (Lots of puns that I expect are super good if you speak Thai.) Nobody is bad in this, everyone delivers, but OffGun are as watchable as they always are and the few kisses they do have are perfect. 3/5 (18/2/24)

The Novelist - When I say I don’t love JBL it’s usually because the tropes are just too tropey for my tastes. Apparently I’m a lying liar who lies because this is extremely Japanese and I loved every moody second of it. Kijima is a sad, lonely, messed up man who doesn’t think he’s deserving of anything good and it’s wildly compelling to watch. 4/5 (18/2/24)

Mood Indigo - Fucked up 4 Fucked up. Two broken, sad, lonely men mess up repeatedly, and erotically, that’s it that’s the show and I ate it up with a spoon. Deeply flawed assholes being toxic together, when it’s well written and well acted, is so disgustingly watchable to me and this certainly was. 5/5 (18/2/24)

The Novelist: Playback - Continues where The Novelist ends. I watched the clean version of this, it was what was available to me, and was still deeply entertained. So if you think people watch this series for the heat then you’re incorrect. This is another instalment of Kijima Rio being a horribly broken fuck up of a man. I loved it. 4/5 (21/2/24)

Tokyo in April is… - I love a good destined to be together trope when it’s done well and this is done beautifully. Kazuma and Ren fall in love as teenagers and are separated before finding one another again as adults. The pacing on this is a little rough, I get what they were doing with the sub-plot but it felt mildly unneeded and time would have been better given to exploring our leads generally or even Ren’s painful family issues. This is still a lovely drama that I wholly recommend. 4/5 (21/2/24)

[andreal831]

Have you ever thought about writing haylijah one shots? It could help for whenever you get stuck writing TGW or any of your other fics. Idk just a thought, and honestly there are not enough haylijah fics out there.

I completely agree that there are not nearly enough haylijah fics out there. I desperately want more. I have considered writing short fics on the side, that's why I started writing Come Home. However, I am really bad at writing one shots. You've clearly read my stories so you know that brevity is not my strength. I do write my TGW Outtakes when I need some help getting unstuck or tend to jump around and write different parts of the story, but really my problem now is lack of time. I tend to hyperfixate on things so I'll focus on here or on tik tok or on writing. I'm trying to make myself focus on writing right now so hopefully we will get a lot more updates across all of my ongoing stories.

But if you (or anyone) have any ideas of a one-shot you would like to see, I'm always open to write something!

Thanks for the ask and for reading my stories!

[writingquestionsanswered]

how to get myself to write when i don't have any motivation to write althu maybe willpower would be more apt?i start a story only to leave it for an insanely long time then start another story and then the same happens and if i try to restart an old story i just can't figure out what to write maybe I'm just being lazy i don't know why this keeps happening anymore I really wanted to start writing again but i can't bring myself to face my writing and patently get through writing if even just one chapter and I don't know how to end this loop

I don't want to stop writing but I'm barely writing anything anymore

Lacking Motivation/Willpower to Write

When you habitually start stories, lose steam, and abandon them--and when you try to pick them back up later but are never able to figure out what to write--it might not actually be a problem with your motivation. The biggest culprits for this problem, I've found, is either having a dry creative well or not having a solid understanding of how stories work.

1 - Dry "Creative Well" - Writers don't just come up with ideas out of thin air. Whether we realize it or not, we're pulling from a reserve inside our minds that is constantly being filled by our daily experiences. The stories we consume, current events, things we observe, things we hear from other people, places we go and things we do... these are all filling our heads with potential ideas. But there are times in life where things get busy or we aren't feeling well, and we stop doing the things that fill our creative well. So that well runs dry, and when you're writing a story, your brain has nowhere to go for ideas. Have a look at my post Guide: Filling Your Creative Well for help in getting your creative well filled back up again.

2 - How Stories Work - There are all different kinds of stories and they all work in different ways, but one thing that's true of all stories is they need to have a purpose... in other words, you need to understand the reason you want to tell this story. What are you trying to say? What do you want the reader to take away? Most stories also revolve around a conflict, whether an internal one, external one, or both. Stories that revolve around an internal conflict (a problem within the protagonist) sometimes have a very loose structure, but they can have a more solid structure, too. Stories that revolve partly or fully around an external conflict (a problem in the protagonist's world) have a more specific structure. In any case, understanding the general type of structure needed for your conflict can go along way in helping you understand what to write. See my posts: Plot Driven vs Character Driven Stories, Basic Story Structure, Beginning a New Story, and How to Move a Story Forward.

For additional trouble shooting, see:

5 Reasons You Lost Interest in Your WIP, Plus Fixes! Feeling Unmotivated with WIP Guide: How to Rekindle Your Motivation to Write Getting Excited About Your Story Again Getting Unstuck: Motivation Beyond Mood Boards & Playlists

I hope that helps!

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

I’ve been writing seriously for over 30 years and love to share what I’ve learned. Have a writing question? My inbox is always open!

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[charbies]

been having a tough time.. stuff about it under the cut

writing a stream of consciousness about the past few months. I've been really depressed. I kept getting burned out from my job almost monthly, but could bounce back when I took a little time off. Then midway through the summer, it's like I just got stuck and couldn't get.. unstuck. by fall I had a full blown depressive episode; in september I could admit I was depressed, in october I went on medication for it, and by the time november came around it felt like there was no end in sight. Fall is my favorite time of year, and I felt like I was in a fugue state and missed it because I barely existed.

the ways this showed up in my body are unlike anything I ever experienced in my life before and that was terrifying. my head and body ached like I was coming home from war every day. I was falling asleep at the wheel, and it was a recurring pattern; my body was shutting itself off when the thought of what I'd have to deal with at work was becoming too much. I burst into tears whenever I saw my friends post pics hanging out and wished I could live closer and see them more. I felt so overwhelmed and empty, I needed everything to stop and I wanted to disappear.

my job is fucking hard. I try not to talk about it on here, but I work with people who are hurting and traumatized. I regularly have to tell them when I believe the choices they're making are going to wind up killing them. I have to tell them the last things they want to hear and still hope they trust me. The average burnout rate at my job is 2 years, I've been there for 16 months. I'm 24 and the youngest one there by a long shot. I know I'm good at what I do, but still feel way in over my head, I feel like I don't get to be my age. I've thought about quitting but I don't think I have it in me to leave and start over somewhere new just yet, not now. I feel trapped because as hard as the work is, I get way better amenities there than at most other places; this place is basically as good as it gets where I live and it's still killing me.

even tho I know how severe things were getting, I feel so guilty for ways I fell off the face of the earth. I stopped talking to friends, family, coworkers, pretty much everyone. I bailed on linktober and a bunch of other art projects I lined up and thought I had the energy to pull off. In general I just feel like a failure even though I know that isn't true.

I broke down hard and took a leave of absence, I get a few weeks off from my job. I've been off for 10 days and as badly as I've wanted to draw the idea also makes me want to jump out of my skin. So I'm taking time and hoping it comes back while I pull myself together.

I could use some advice or wisdom from anyone who has been through this in any capacity. Even silly stuff in my inbox would make my day. Tumblr was my comfort place when I was a kid and I think it will do me good to be able to look back on this post after I've worked through this and I'm doing better. Thanks for reading all of this if you did, it means a lot <3