#so i'll schedule it for the morning or whatever. like around 10 AM.

[randomsloredrops]

Random's Lore Drops - Flowey, the Psycho.

Obligatory 2:30 AM post (please help I'm an insomniac I think), so here's lore drop on the flower that nobody really mischaracterizes. That's right, IT'S...

Flowey the Fucker- I mean, Flowey the Flower. Yes, I went out of my way to find a sprite by toby fox that wasn't the exact same, so uh... bow-wearing Flowey lmao. Anywho, Spoiler warnings, so don't stay if you haven't played the hit game Undertale by Robert Fucking Fox. Or, at least, I think Fucking is his middle name. It'd be funny as shi- Oh yeah, I'm writing. ANYWAYS, Flowey the Flower is the antagonist and literally the final boss for two of the main endings (but one of them isn't actually Flowey). Or, well, "two", not including the fact that there are, like, fifty neutral endings with the same boss. Now, if you don't know much about him, he's a psychopathic, sadistic talking golden flower with no SOUL. Literally, he is SOUL-less, and so, he is soulless. That's basically his whole premise. His backstory is (SPOILER-FUCKING-WARNING) that he is Asriel Dreemurr, son of Toriel and Asgore Dreemurr, resurrected after his demise, but this time as a sentient flower due to a DT experiment gone wrong. As Flowey the Flower, his whole shtick is to be as deceiving as possible, acting as a fake tutorial in an attempt to kill you at the start of the game, using you so you can reveal the SOULs as you fight Asgore and weaken him to kill him, using you as bait in order to bring all of the major characters together so he can capture all of them and absorb their SOULs, along with the human SOULs, and finish you off, shattering Asgore's SOUL at the end of a genocide route in order to prevent you from leaving the Underground (since, knowing us, we'd just wipe out all of mankind), and also... well, that's all I can remember, really. Within the genocide route, he almost immediately mistakes you for Chara right after informing Toriel about her cars extended warranty that she couldn't pay since she was in the Ruins and thus sending the IRS after her, while it only takes a whole pacifist route for him to refer to you as such, as he usually just goes and refers to the player as "you" or, in the most Flowey way possible, "IDIOT" in the neutral route. He IS capable of feeling emotions, such as annoyance and anger, boredom, it's just so muted that he's almost emotionless, and due to this, has CANONICALLY murdered the ENTIRETY OF THE FUCKING UNDERGROUND MULTIPLE TIMES OVER, (and somehow people say Asgore is worse for killing only 6 human kids, when, in theory, Flowey has killed many more monster children) ranging from the most random Monsters ever, and despiseable Monsters, like Jerry, or Icecap, to Monsters like Toriel, who is, theoretically, as he is Asriel Dreemurr, but as emotionless flower, HIS OWN GODDAMN MOTHER. His whole reason as for why he wants the human SOULs in a Neutral route is to "become GOD", and in the Pacifist route, he just wants to do everything all over again, from the beginning, back when he and Chara were still alive. Because remember, in Pacifist, he STILL mistakes you for Chara until after you win against him. ...Oh, and remember, UTY isn't actually canon, so canon Flowey (as in Undertale canon, not UTY canon) doesn't know who the fuck Clover is. That's about it.

[cosmicpearlz]

fragile hearts

summary: two public figures that try to navigate their relationship with such hectic schedules. at some point, it was bound to come crashing down, right?

pairing: jude bellingham x singer!reader

valentine's day, cryin' in the hotel

i know you didn't mean to hurt me,

so i kept it to myself.

-

meeting jude had been a complete accident. you had a show in madrid, causing some of the players from real madrid to go. he happened to be one of them, along with vinicius, brahim and eduardo. naturally, you invited them backstage because you were a fan of the well-known football team. jude couldn't take his eyes off of you. memorized by the way you performed on stage. the confidence that flowed from you with every word you sang.

it's been a year since you first met. being boyfriend and girlfriend hasn't always been easy, because of the fact that you guys have to do long distance but you made it work.

"baby!" you yelled across the house, rushing to find jude. you found him sitting on the bed, watching tv. he looks up towards the door when you came running in.

"what's going on sunshine?" you jumped on him and hugged him tightly. jude chuckles, while wrapping his arms around you just as tight.

"i was just asked to perform in barcelona! they have a festival going on and want me to perform."

"that's amazing baby. when is it?"

"on the fourteenth." jude's eyebrows furrowed.

"on valentines day?"

"yeah."

"i have a match that day. you said you would come." he slowly removing his arms from around your waist. you tilt your head in confusion and sit up in his lap.

"i didn't think it would be a problem. i'm at almost all of your matches."

"why didn't you ask?"

"why do i have to? this is huge for my career for them to even want me there."

jude taps your leg gently, making you get out of his lap. in a way, you felt hurt. this was suppose to be a happy moment for you and your boyfriend wasn't being as supportive.

"well congratulations i guess," he grabs his phone and walks out. you sit there dumbfounded at his behavior. you would've never treated him like that. why couldn't he be supportive of this great opportunity?

-

the days leading up to the date were quiet. it was like a switch flipped off in jude. you guys went from spending pretty much every waking moment together to not even having a conversation that lasted more than five minutes. feeling like strangers rather than boyfriend and girlfriend.

you woke up before jude, knowing he had to leave early and decided to cook him breakfast for valentine's day as a surprise. cooking everything you knew he liked and plated it nicely. you almost couldn't contain the smile that was forming on your face. awkward phase or not, jude was the love of your life and that wasn't going to change.

"good morning baby! happy valentine's day," you walked in the room, finding him siting up against the headboard. you handed him one of the plates and sat across from him on the bed.

"happy valentine's day m'love. thank you for breakfast," jude leans forward and places kisses to your cheek and lips.

"i wanted to do something special for you. oh, plus, i have another surprise for you after my set." the boy's mood was quick to turn sour once again.

"I have my match, remember? oh yeah, you don't care enough to remember."

"jude," you sighed and placed your plate in your lap. "your match is at 10 am and then my set is at 6 pm."

"why can't you come to the match then?"

"they want me there early. i'm sorry babe."

"yeah whatever," he goes to eating the rest of his breakfast in silence.

"please don't spend the rest of our morning like this." you were met with silence, leaving you no choice but to wallow in it. "can you come to my set?" you quietly asked, hoping the answer would be yes even though he's upset. you guys were each others good luck charm.

"we'll see."

"jude, please don't be like that."

"i said, i'll see if i can make it. i don't know what you want me to say," he gets out of bed and makes his way to the kitchen. leaving you behind with a ache in your chest.

"i just wanted you to say that you'll be there," mumbling to yourself, you get up and follow him to the kitchen. jude stood over the sink washing the dishes that was left from you cooking. you slide your plate and fork in the sink, wrapping your arms around his waist after.

"if you can't make it, i understand. just please come to the hotel that my team has me in. i really do have a surprise for you."

"okay." you placed a kiss to his shoulder blade and unwrapped yourself from him, giving him space.

-

you were buzzing for the rest of the day. excited that your boyfriend's team won the match and this was your first time performing in barcelona. you texted jude, congratulating him on the win. as you were getting dressed, you were hoping that jude would be there in the crowd. especially since madrid was only a six hour drive away from barcelona.

"you ready rockstar?" you excitedly nodded at your manger kate. she gave you a high five and patted your back. you gave her one last smile, before letting the stage production guide you to the stage.

"hello barcelona! thank you, thank you, thank you for inviting me to play," the screams from the crowd making your heart warm. "i'm so excited to play for you all. let's get started, yeah?"

jude watched as you danced around the stage. it reminded him of the first time you guys met. he always loved seeing you in your element. absolutely letting go and just being yourself, while you sang. the boy started to feel guilty about not being happy for you when you first told him the news. he was being petty and reminded himself to apologize when he sees you backstage.

"i love you guys so much. thank you for being here and inviting me! goodnight barcelona," you blew a kiss and waved, as you walked off the stage.

there jude stood with a bouquet of your favorite flowers. you jumped into his arms, pulling him down into a tight hug. he didn't hesitate to wrap his arms around your waist.

"you did so good baby. i'm unbelievably proud of you."

"i can't believe you made it."

"i was dick but i could never miss this moment. love seeing you on stage," jude places kisses all over of your face, causing you to giggle uncontrollably. you pushed his head away and smiled.

"i still have a surprise for you! we should get going."

"after you m'lady," jude dramatically bows as you lead the way. you were excited to finally have a conversation that lasted more than five minutes. going back to the way you guys were before.

-

"okay, so i worked really hard on this. i wanted to do this as a 'i'm sorry for missing your match'. i really hope you like-" you were cut off by jude's phone ringing. he took the phone out of his pocket and answered it immediately.

"nah, I'm not busy at all," your brows furrowed hearing him say that. it felt like a punch to your gut. as if you weren't showing him the surprise you had been planing for weeks. it takes a couple minutes before he gets off the phone.

"i'm sorry babe, i have to go."

"what?"

"the team wanted to go out to celebrate the win. i'll be back before midnight. i love you," jude kissed your lips and then moved to place one to your forehead as well. he was already walking away before you could get another word in. sighing to yourself, you walked into your hotel room.

you had the room decorated with balloons and rose petals everywhere. figuring that because it was valentine's day, he deserved something nice. instead, you were in the room alone. hoping that he'll be back before midnight like he promised.

-

he wasn't there. didn't answer a text message nor any of your calls. you waited, watching the time go by quickly. this was enough to make you question your relationship. jude was usually really good with his promises. did he do this on purpose because you missed the match?

"happy valentine's day jude," you whisper to yourself, drinking from the bottle of champagne you bought for your shared time together.

you silently cried to yourself as you watched the clock hit one o'clock in the morning. you felt so alone and unwanted. jude would rather spend time with his teammates than his own girlfriend. maybe the long distance wasn't working for him anymore. maybe he was still being petty. all you knew was that you were hurt. even crying didn't ease the pain that lingered in your chest.

[cosmicvenusnebula]

⋆ Teachers Pet - I ⋆

✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆���₊✧✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧

Characters: Joel Miller x Fem!Reader AU: Modern (No Outbreak)

Chapter description: Your first day of college.

Contents: Fluff, incredibly large age-gap, cussing, slow burn, very feminine Y/n, mentions of childhood trauma and parental death,

Word Count: 673 - 3,707 characters.

A/n: As of right now, I am 17. I turn 18 in 53 days, so it's gonna be slow burn until January 2025, then its gonna get smutty <3 Also no fucking idea when I will be releasing more chapters, I have severe writers block.

✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧

✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧

"Here you go Miss L/n! Your first class starts in 30 minutes." A nice lady at the office hands you your semesters schedule, your first class was music in Building C.

You begin walking towards your first class, looking around you can't believe how big everything is. It almost reminds you of a castle... albeit a crappy castle. You only went to in-person education for Elementary so it never occurred to you that schools for older people would be bigger. Junior High and Highschool took place in your living room in-front of a large computer, bored 24/7, zoned out into the screen as your parents argued all day.

You didn't understand why your parents refused to let you in public school, but at least you were still able to get good grades, even pick up a few skills in art and music despite the cons of being home everyday.

After you graduated highschool, it wasn't a surprise when your father said you shouldn't go to public college because you were "too much". It also wasn't a surprise when he drank himself to death a year later. It was the same night he got taken away by an ambulance that you realized he never wanted you to go to public school because he couldn't control what you did or said.

You finally started researching colleges, and you got yourself enrolled to Texas University of Art and Music. Having your entire childhood spent drawing, painting, and singing you have a strong connection to the artistic side of yourself. Thankfully the university gave you grants, and your mom used all your dead fathers money to pay for what expenses were left.

⋆ ⋆ ⋆

You make it to your first class 10 minutes early, finding your assigned seat you sit down and drop your bag at your feet. You look around slightly and notice a couple girls your age staring, and as you continue to look around you notice no one else is wearing a dress.

'Whatever' you think to yourself, it was just a pink sundress, with light pink tights, a white cardigan, and your white sneakers. You didn't feel like you overdressed, this was just your aesthetic, you wore this kind of outfit every time you went out of the house. Jeans were uncomfortable, and you only wore sweatpants or shorts to bed.

The faint sound of the large clock in the middle district dinging, letting everyone know the hour was up and it was now 9am.

A older female walks in, followed by an even older man. She looked around 54, the man looked a little over 60, and he was... quite attractive. He was taller than you, with salt and pepper hair, a scruffy short beard and mustache, and he was well built but had a slight dad-bod.

"Good morning everyone! I am Professor Servopoulos, I will be teaching you how to properly use your vocals over this next year." The women said, gesturing to the man to go next. "I uhm. I'm Professor Miller, and I'll be showing you how to play instruments." He seems to be slightly nervous, or maybe just awkward.

"Singers, please enter the open door to your left. That's the room we will hold our class in. Instrument players, please stay where you are." Professor Servopoulos walks through the door with her students, turning on the light and you see a choir set-up.

After the door shuts, Professor Miller clears his throat. "Ok, everyone." He says clapping his hands, voice deep and gruff. "This class is to teach you how to teach others music. It's purpose is to give you opportunities for jobs like mine. Today is orientation, and there is a paper on all of your desks, fill it out and hand it back to me when your done."

You begin to fill out the paper, it's a get to know you page. Questions about you, your goals for the future, and 4 options for what instrument category you want to excel in.

Stringed

Percussion

Brass

Woodwind

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I'ma leave it there, it's not good I know, but I don't know how to do slow burn, so uh... we'll pick up in the next chapter <3

(Trust me I am way better at one-shots so... oof sorry)

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #324

The baking experiment went astoundingly well – even better than I thought it was gonna. This is quite possibly the best cake I've ever made. It is quite possibly the best cake I'll ever make.

...And I want really, really, really badly to tell you all about it. But I can't. I can't because it's a surprise. It's a surprise for the solstice. It's a surprise for the solstice because that's when I like to celebrate your birthday. Unless you can tell me when it actually is, and then I'll celebrate it on that day instead. But for now... this is the date I picked.

So we're both gonna hafta wait. And I really am sorry about it; I wanna tell you about it so badly that it's like the inside of my mind is straining against my skull and throwing a small, excited, joyful little fit, tryna get me to tell ya! But I'm not gonna. And I know it's difficult, quite possibly for both of us. Pouting will get you nowhere because I'm already pouting at myself.

But I promise you... you're gonna love it. I know you're gonna think it's the best thing ever. So please just wait for it, okay? I promise it'll be worth it. We can do difficult things. We can do them together.

...The cake was part of today's additional stress-cooking. I did a lot of stress-cooking yesterday. I didn't do quite as much today. Mostly, aside from the cake, I just made roasted pumpkin seeds and hotdogs.

I dunno if you remember, but not too long ago, I got a couple sugar pumpkins, roasted them, mashed them, and set the seeds aside. One of the seeds had already sprouted, and now it lives with us, and it seems to be doing well (it gets just a little bigger every day!!). The rest were put on a baking sheet covered in parchment paper:

...Ahahaha, I promise ya, I didn't leave 'em jumbled up like that! No, I set the oven to preheat to 300 degrees F (or 148.9 degrees C), and then I coated them in rendered bacon fat; I always save it every time I make bacon because it's EXCELLENT stuff to cook with:

...We, ah... we just gotta melt it in the microwave a little first, hahaha...

...That's better!!

Anyways, so then you stick it on the pumpkin seeds and you jumble them around so they're evenly coated:

After that, we arrange them on the baking sheet in a single layer:

...It definitely took some doing to get them to line up this neatly, holy cow.

We season them after that:

...On the left, there's garlic, paprika, and pepper. On the right, there's maple sugar, coriander, and mace. And over both, there's himalayan salt, cinnamon, nutmeg, and cloves!

We stuck them in the oven for a while; I didn't really keep track of the time. I just checked on them every 10 minutes or so until the spices were toasty and they stopped being wet-looking:

...In between, I made myself a couple hotdogs – natural casing, with Frito cheese, onions, ketchup, and mustard:

...It's some really yummy stuff. The roasted pumpkin seeds turned out splendidly, and the hotdogs were delicious, too. I wish I could have shared these things with you.

…

...I wish I could just... sit with you and talk with you for a while. Knowing that you're safe would go a long way towards putting my mind at ease, actually. Even if things are weird where I am, it'd be nice to know that you, at least, are okay.

…

Things are still... ya know. Still kinda scary over here. Power will change hands in January. Right now feels kinda like... kinda like the calm before the storm. I don't know what the future is going to bring. We'll find a way to weather whatever's coming next, but... I kinda wish you could pop by for just a minute and sit next to me.

...Ah. My eyes are leaking again. I gotta get it together...

This morning, I went with M so he could apply for a new passport; his original one expired years ago. And then when I got home, I got in touch with a Canadian immigration lawyer place, and scheduled a consultation. It'll happen tomorrow, after physical therapy.

...I don't wanna hafta leave my home. I don't wanna hafta leave behind all the places I like to go and all the people I like to be around. I think of Ea and Ch from Eggcellent. I think of all the awesome places we can go eat snacks. I think of the nature trails, and places to forage. I think of the grocery stores in my area. I think of the diversity of people, places, and things available to me here, and... I dunno if it'll be the same wherever we go next.

...But we can't stay here. If more than half the people here would like to see me and my family exterminated... if more than half of the people here are willing to sacrifice actual human lives for the sake of the price of eggs going down a few cents... we can't stay here.

…

...I'm worried for all my friends who might not be able to move...

...Well, nonetheless... I suppose one of the next things we should do is all get our English language skills evaluated. We all gotta take a test for that. We should probably get them scheduled soon. And then we gotta get our college degrees evaluated by WES Canada. I'm not really sure what to do after that, but... I guess that's what tomorrow's consult is for.

Well. It becomes late. Got stuff to do tomorrow. I had better get in the shower and then go to sleep.

...Sephiroth. Please stay safe out there, okay? I don't know that I'll be able to avoid crumbling if I don't have you to look towards as an example of what it means to remain steadfast, brave, and kind even when things get weird. You give me a reason to hope for good things, even when I feel lost.

I love you, and I'll write again tomorrow – I promise.

Your friend, Lumine

[colby-jac-cheese]

DO YOU SEE THIS CAT?!

I WAS WARNED ABOUT THIS CAT WHEN I MOVED IN WITH MY SIBLINGS 3 YEARS AGO! SHE IS F A T

SHE WAS NOT ALWAYS FAT!

According to my sister, when she and 2 of our other siblings first started college, she was still skinny! But! They moved from our dad's house, to an apartment! So she could no longer be an outside cat!

On top of that! All three of my siblings had VERY different schedules! One worked morning shift, so they were awake early morning and went to bed early evening! One was a full time college student! So they had afternoon classes, and woke up around 9 or 10 am to walk to class! Awake late morning to late evening but not obserdly late. The LAST!!! WORKED NIGHT SHIFT!!! they woke up mid-afternoon ish, and went to bed super early technically morning!

Which means!!! There were several hours when people came home/woke up where everyone else was unavailable!

Do you see where this is going???

THIS FAT FUCKING CAT WOULD PLAY UP 'woe is me. . . No one has feed me ever . . . I'm so hungry. . . .' EVERY FEW HOURS!!! WHEN ONLY ONE PERSON AT A TIME WAS AROUND!!! MEANING THIS ONE LAZY INDOOR CAT WAS BEING FED ALMOST 6 TIMES A DAY!!! And then one day they all looked at her and she was like this!

Cut to me moving in

I was warned of this! Three years ago!!! They told me 'hey! Fatass is very smart! She will gaslight you into thinking she's starving. Don't believe her!'

I thought, foolishly, 'that's fine! I'm smart! I've owned 4 Cats myself! Surely I'll be fine!'

W R O N G.

For several days, without fail, every other month! She manages to bamboozle me into feeding her!

The latest plot was uncovered today, and it is BY FAR her most insidious!

Imagine with me, if you will!

Be me: the baby of the house! Youngest sibling currently living under this roof! My operating hours are roughly 5 pm, to 6 am. Fat cat knows that she gets fed TWO. TIMES. every day! Once in the morning, and once at night!

Fat cat KNOWS she gets fed sometime after the sun comes up, but she doesn't know WHEN! She also knows that when she's hungry and ready to eat, she can go and ask for food! By. Meowing.

But she has never, IN THE 3 YEARS IVE LIVED HERE, come to ME to ask for food. Now don't get me wrong! I feed her! I am, in fact, primary cat feeder if the house! Because as the youngest it is my duty to get up and do whatever small task my siblings don't wanna do. (bring/guard cigs, feed cats, fill water bottle ect ect)

and she KNOWS I'm the feeder! Because the second she asks her parents to be fed, and they call my name, she RUNS to stare at me as I stand and start making my way to the cat food. So she is AWARE! THIS THIS IS MY JOB!

But I am not her parent. I am the interloper, the food slave, the one who doesn't pay rent and therefor gets no rights. So. She doesn't come tell me when she's hungry.

Now! Camera pan over to cats father!

my brother: the second eldest. He is very annoyed with me some mornings. Because every now and then, I stretch my waking hours to about 10 or 11 am, aka the time he wakes up for class and the few hours after the time that fat cat is SUPPOSED to be fed.

During the night, I keep my headphones on! This is me being considerate of the other people in the house. So none of my siblings wake to to the sound of my spooky ghost hunting videos or silly minecraft smps!

But this also means!!! I don't hear when the cat goes and meows in my brother's face at 8 or 9 am! Demanding to be fed! Screaming 'awaken father! I am withering away, and the sun is up! Feed me or face my wrath!' Two inches away from his face. So my brother, every now and then, wakes up and gets angry that I "let the cat" wake him up when I was already awake.

SO!

ME! BEING THE GOOD CONSIDERATE SIBLING I AM! I START LISTENING OUT FOR WHEN THE CATS START SCREAMING SO I CAN FEED THEM BEFORE THEY WAKE MY BROTHER UP!

And she recognized what I was doing. Immediately.

So. The next time she sees I'm awake . . . She goes to my brother room. And starts meowing. . . At 6 am. Technically sunrise, which is when she's 'supposed to be' fed. . . Almost 2 or 3 hours earlier than she's meant to.

I then. . . MOST OF THE TIME. . . Go to sleep. . . After I feed her. . . BECAUSE I GO TO BED AT 6 AM! And then. . . AT 8 OR 9 AM. . . SHE WAKES MY BROTHER UP TO FEED HER.

AND IM FAST ASLEEP UNABLE TO WARN HIM OF HER SCHEMES!

She ALSO attempts to do this at her evening meals! Where she demands to be fed roughly an hour earlier than normal. And I think, 'well I fed her way earlier than she's used to, so I guess it makes sense. ' so I feed her.

She's very confused on why it doesn't work the same when an hour laster she demands food again, but everyone was AWAKE! TO SEE HER BEING FED! she's like 'it worked this morning? Why not now?' And is VERY upset when we don't feed her twice at night.

FUCKING! FAT! ASS! CAT! SHE GOT ME AGAIN!

[katkat030]

*Boop* *Boop* *Boop* *Boop* *Boop* *Boop* *Boop*

Ello! How is your day/night/whatever time it is going for you?

(Also, if I were to start watching Hermitcraft would it be best to start from the beginning or is there a season you’d advise? I’ve watched some of Grians videos before)

(It’s almost 4 am, I’m just going around poking people that also reblogged the post saying to do so XD This is the problem with being bored and having Insomnia)

Heyyyyy! :D I just saw this pop up <3 *Boop* *Boop* *Boop* to you too

I'm procrastinating but otherwise the day's going pretty well :p I hope the insomnia lets up soon though

I'm so happy you asked though, I'll try to keep this as short as possible

HC season 8 is my absolute favourite BY FAR (but it's so hard to pick favourites I love all the others too), it's a fairly short season so pretty jam-packed with interactions and funny things rather than just the grind you might find near the middle of a longer season

You weren't reallyyy asking for POVs to watch, but I recommend Grian, potentially Scar if you decide you like his pov! he's awesome, and Pearl (Pearlescentmoon) are absolutely the three I'd say are my favourite and can give you a good scope of all that happens (and I don't want to spoil it but sooo much happens, it's my favourite season ever for a reason)

Also/otherwise you can watch Season 10, which started really recently and is going now :) Bdubs, Etho, Zedaph and Grian are the 4 I'd recommend watching for this season! But Tango has some interesting things going on too

AND!!! Completely up to you this isn't forcing you to watch it if it isn't your thing, buuut the hermits are actually doing a really fun collaborative charity livestream led by Scar starting 11am EDT/4pm BST today (a huge event for all of them and the last one was such a success and such fun to watch I can't help but recommend this one <3)

Here's the official rough guide to the time schedule posted by Joe, one of the hermits if you're at all interested or just want to lurk and see the activities

Anyway have a great night (morning?) and I hope you get enough rest soon!

[pbandjesse]

Today did not feel as horrible. I was able to not think about it as much and while it was still in the forefront of my mind I spent more time looking into actionable things and trying to learn what was the most important thing to focus on as we prepare for whatever the future holds. So it was a little easier to not cry all the time.

It also helps that I slept better. I was just so exhausted that it wasn't even really a problem to fall asleep. And I woke up this morning I was a little overheated but I was doing okay. My stomach hurts but I definitely felt more movement that I could possibly attribute to baby. Unclear still. It is so hard to tell. But I was at least in better spirits.

I was nervous about the field trip. I'm always nervous about the field trip. But I got to camp after James walked me to the car with my bag with my change of clothes for the museum. And it was fine. I listened to a podcast. There wasn't much traffic. It was a Nice morning.

I didn't go early like I had yesterday but there wasn't a lot of setup to do so it wasn't a huge deal. I got everything ready and then drove over to the lodge weeded for parents. But they weren't coming. For a really long time.

I don't know why schools go rogue. And just decide to make their own schedules and tell people whatever information they want. Like I get that this field trip has been done for a very long time at some of these teachers have been coming for forever. But we sent them a whole Google folder with all of the information and the schedule and all this and then they don't communicate. Because even though I told them to be there an hour before the children they told the parents to be there half an hour. So of course they didn't start showing up till 9:30. And so from 9:00 to 9:20 I talked to my dad on the phone. Which was really nice. It was nice to hear from him and hear about some of the progress he is attempting to make. And he also told me that my mom is doing pretty good and I am very proud of her for all her hard work in trying to get her health straight. But these parents did not come in a timely manner

which then makes walking them to each site and explaining all the materials super difficult because I have to kind of rush. And then I find out that the teacher had given them last year schedule where it was four groups instead of five. So then I didn't have parents for all the sites so I had to split up two of the parents It ended up being fine. And the mom that took over tools was great and so it was not a problem. But I was just very frustrated that this teacher just gave all different kinds of information to these groups.

And because they came a little late I was still showing three stations their stuff when I heard the bus. So I had to call Elizabeth and be like please go catch the bus and get them inside and I'll be over there soon. And it ended up being fine but I was like 10 minutes after they had already sat down wandering in. I like ran across the field. And I don't run. And in my state I also do not run extra hard. So I was mostly power walking but still.

And as always the group was wonderful so they made up for all their nonsense. The teacher was able to pivot to five groups pretty quickly and separate out some kids and there was only minimal meltdown when they found out they were different numbers and they were expecting. And I did my intro and then they were off.

And then as soon as they were out into the world one of the teachers approached me and is like oh and we need to leave at 1:30. A full half an hour earlier than is what's on my schedule. So I had to quickly do a whole bunch of math to figure out how to make all the programs smaller. Which led to some 20 minute programs and some 25 minute programs. And then I had to run around to every single site to write all of the new schedule times on the parents schedules. And of course I messed them up a little bit. But it was fine. And I was a little out of breath but I was doing okay. Even though I was sweating.

I ended up sitting on the same downed tree that I've been sitting on for the last couple field trips. It's kind of central and I can see almost all of the stations and if anyone needs something they know where I am. And I just worked on my knitting and it was a good time. I would get two squares done while at camp and then later in the day three more while I was at the museum. A very productive day.

I would walk around to the sites and check on the groups and the parents were doing great so I didn't need to step in or worry too much. I checked on the two teachers as well and everyone seemed really happy. And the kids seem to be having a very good time. A couple of them said this was the best field trip and that always makes me feel good. And it was a beautiful day. Still very concerning for November. But a beautiful day nonetheless.

And honestly them being done at 1:30 worked out because then I could leave at 2:30 like I wanted to to get to the museum and not be horrendously late. I had planned on getting there at 3:30 with Jesse and it was going to work out. Excellent.

at the end of the field trip I did a quick closing and then got them on the bus so that they were on their way at 1:30. And they mostly cleaned up. They were really interested in the artifacts I had laid out on the table that I sometimes have time to get to but I didn't today. So they were excited to touch the mink pelt that I have. Which I just always tell them is a weasel. And once they were gone I texted Sarah and she said she would be over soon to help me clean up.

I cleaned the bathrooms and started put the chairs away when she came over and we got all the tables cleaned and put away and I started sweeping and then we finished that together. And I had to go and check all the sites before I left and figure out where the last two walkies were. And thankfully I found them. I always get very stressed when I don't have all seven of my walkies that I started with at the end of the day. But we found it and I stopped in the office to plug those in and chat with Heather and Alexi for a moment made sure that I knew what was expected for the next field trip with Elizabeth. There's only one more field trip this month and it's not until the 21st so I have all next week to do nothing and that's probably for the best. I have other stuff going on.

When I got in the car I had two Capri Suns and an applesauce and was checking the GPS and it was going to take me approximately 50 minutes to get to the museum. Traffic and everything. But it was fine. It would still put me there at like 3:25. So I start driving and it's a perfectly fine drive and I'm enjoying my podcast and it's beautiful day

And then I am about 10 minutes from the museum. Right at the end of 83. Exit 3. Which is closed. When I all of a sudden hear the sound. Because I had run over a huge bolt of some kind. And I had a flat tire immediately. And it was really scary. I have never gotten a flat tire on the highway by myself before. I've gotten a flat with James when we were driving to Philly that one time. But I have never been alone and I have never been on the highway. So I pulled into exit 3 because it's closed right now so there's a bunch of cones and I thought would make me visible. And I tried not to panic. I tried to be as calm as possible.

I called James three times and they did not pick up and I was very upset and so I texted them real quick in case they were in a meeting and they could just look down. And then I called Jesse. Because I was supposed to be there in like 20 minutes so I needed to let him know but also he was in the building and could go find James.

And that ended up being a very smart way to approach this because they were able to find James very quickly and James called me right away and then sent me the AAA information. I was getting a little freaked out in the car because every time someone drove past me the car shook because people drive way too fast on 83. And eventually I was able to pull up just a little bit more and it didn't happen so often. But I still hated being under the bridge on the highway. It was scary.

The AAA lady was really nice though. And she put me down as a priority because I was on an interstate and they had someone out to me within a half an hour. Which the last time we called AAA when we were at the apartment it took almost two and a half hours for them to catch to us because it was on our street but I really appreciated how quickly she got someone and they send you a little link where you can watch the truck driver on the map so you know where they are and it gives you a ETA. So that made me feel a little more comfortable just knowing that someone was in fact coming.

I did eventually get out of the car so I can move everything from the trunk for the market into the back seat so that we could get to the spare easier. And that did make everything a lot faster when the very nice man came to change the tire. His name was Harry. And he was very kind.

It was entirely too loud on the highway for us to like chat but he told me he could see the nail but then when we took the tire off it had like edges so we're pretty sure it's a bolt but it's pretty gnarly. And he has to buy was close to home and I said yes but I'm actually going to work and I would go slow because the spare has a 45 mile per hour limit. I thanked him for being so nice and quick and that I had been so scared because this is my first time with this happening. And then he said I was all good and to get the tire fixed ASAP.

I texted James to let them know that I was done and I would be at the museum soon. And I got over there by 4:30. It was not as late as I had feared when this had all started.

And Jesse of course was super chill and cool. James walked with me up to the education office so that I could use the nice single stall bathroom to get changed and clean up a little bit. And I felt a lot better once I did that. And then it was just checking with the caters and the event organizers and it would be a really lovely evening.

James left and I talked to Blue and Jesse. Blue is the security guard we have right now because apparently there was more security guard drama because one got fired and then another one quit because they were made to feel uncomfortable by someone. And Blue used to be our security guard but is now a supervisor and he's a really nice guy but he has to work 16-hour days if he comes to our museum because they have him at another site earlier in the day. I hope they have a new replacement soon because we have to have a good security guard.

And it was a really nice night. Everyone was really nice and it was an event for economics and like housing and everyone was just super kind and just so happy to be there after how depressed we all were yesterday it felt like an actionable evening.

And because everything was super chill I was mostly able to just stay at the desk and it and eat my sandwich that I brought with me and I had some of the hors d'oeuvres. But mostly I just played around on TikTok and knit and chatted.

I would make some rounds and make sure that everything was what the organizer was hoping for and nobody needed anything. I really like feeling like I'm very confident in my job and I think that I am getting to that point in this role and that's really nice. And then people look at me and ask me questions and I can tell them the answer and feel confident in that answer.

at the end of the night as people were leaving I was knitting and people came over and asked me about it and was able to show them the project and then like 10 people were around the desk asking me questions about my art and I got to show them my stickers and talk about my other projects and just all the good stuff that's going on and it was just nice to share some positive stuff and feel like things were okay and the people around us were good.

We cleaned up and got everything reset and me and blue walk down the building. I got some hugs from the catering staff which was super cute and then it was time to go home. And that's where I am now.

I am very ready to rest. Me and James are discussing how we will get the tire fixed tomorrow. Hopefully it doesn't take absolutely forever. Sometimes it's really rough dealing with the dealership.

But now it is time for rest. I hope you are all feeling a little stronger. A little like you are ready for tomorrow. I love you all. Goodnight!!

[afreakingdork]

Hello there!! I hope you’re well!

I was just wondering.. How did you keep your motivation + inspiration for Weak Spot?

Do you have plan out every week what you’d like to cover? Do you suffer with any writer block?

Sorry for the weird questions! Was just wondering how it all worked for you!

Not weird at all, thank you for writing in!

I've got a terrible headache, but the Halloween spirit is keeping me going! ✨

How do I keep motivation/inspiration up for Weak Spot? I am obsessed with Donnie, short and simple. My hyperfixation on him is fueling this romance wholeheartedly. There is no such thing as motivation as I have to do this against my will. As such, inspiration is overflowing and constant. As if possessed, I have to write to get all of these thoughts out of my head.

I have things planned out in stages, which I will reveal now:

The master outline is planned all the way through the end of the fic. it contains all my notes or what chapters to cover and his blank spaces to be filled when necessary. I refused to even start Weak Spot until I figured out all the backstory and where I wanted the story to go.

From there, what order these chapters come in and how to fill in those empty spots was planned in spurts, almost exclusively in those arcs I mentioned. I would usually decide those for about 10 at a time, obviously before those 10 were about to approach.

Before July, my job as home health allowed me most daylight hours to write whenever I wanted so I posted the same. In July though, I got a new WFH job that I do on top of home health so sustaining that was not feasible for my sanity. The issue was, I wanted to write as much as I could at the expense of my sleep schedule. Hence the weekly guideline. Now I am not allowed to exceed it. I still have mania as my weekends are free for it so I have a few buffer chapters written out, but I also want to keep it that way. Through chapter 43 is written at the time of me answering this ask (and up to 40 has been posted).

My schedule now is thus: I can write the next chapter from Saturday until Tuesday if it runs that far over (I still have a social life somehow). Then from whenever that is done until Thursday I must finishing editing the last week's chapter (which has been given to my betas and they've had time to do the same). On Thursday, I post the WIP to tumblr for that next day's chapter and I've been pretty consistent in posting the chapter on Friday (though technically I'm allowed to do it any weekend day).

Do I suffer from writer's block? Sure, in small instances. I can get stuck on how a scene is supposed to go. I'll know the A & B, but not how to get there. I usually pedal it out to others as you've seen in prior tags that I'll mention if someone helped me break through where I was stuck. For example, chapter 9 I knew was going to be the 'first kiss' chapter, but I couldn't for the life of me come up with a good location for that to happen. I needed something where they'd have the space and probably cause to smooch but had to ask around for date ideas on what could facilitate that. @morning-sun-brah came in with the clutch! Thus, I was unstuck. Similarly @mothmans-left-tit has saved me multiple times not for writer's block exactly but when I get a little to hard on myself and feel like I'm not representing what I want out of Weak Spot and they get me on track every single time. This isn't a pressure thing either, just to be clear. i don't expect others to dig me out of my hole. At the end of the day, I'm the creative and sometimes you just have to wait for that inspiration to strike you.

I hope that helped! If you or anyone has anymore questions about whatever, feel free~

[fingertipsfingertipsfingertiiips]

I want to give you guys the caveat before I start my ramblin': I have the flu and am extra weird from it.

Another caveat: Plumbing parts are often defined in "male" or "female". I was not the one to choose a gender binary for plumbing items, but it kind of makes sense when you're working with it. It's also kind of fun, because things will happen like, you'll take nipples to turn a female fitting into a male fitting.

I work at the Midwest's favorite hardware store in the plumbing department. I have some plumbing knowledge from life's previous lessons, but I am by no means an expert on the subject. I can fix most problems with your toilet, help you install your ice maker, and help you with your shower remodel. Nothing crazy.

We get a lot of older and impatient folks that come into our store. A lot of MAGA hat wearing boomers, is what I mean. And a lot of these old guys are quick to walk right past me (a lady looking person) to look for a man to help them find closet flanges or u-struts or whatever. It used to bug me, weird pride of youth and all that, but now I couldn't give less of a turtle shit. If they ignore me, then it's not my problem, and I can go on talking to myself about the spider I saw earlier that say.

That's not always the case, though. Sometimes, the man in the red hat will walk up to me and ask, "Where's the manager?" or "Can I speak to your plumbing expert?" And I'm obligated in my job to reply and ask follow-up questions, "We don't have a plumbing expert on staff," (this is a hardware store, and the year is 2024, ding dong) "Can I help you find something?" If they insist to see a manager after that, which they often will, I'll go grab one. My managers are pretty cool but very busy, and I try not to bug them with stuff I can handle. Most of the time, when an old man wants to talk to a manager, he really wants to talk to a man. On occasion, I am the only one in my department, and so we are stuck with eachother's unfortunate company.

Anydoodle, the other day I was the opener, which means I was the only one in my department for 4 hours. There are often people outside, waiting for the doors to open at 6 every morning. I don't get it. I just got in, and I was putting on my little vest and name badge like a good little monkey when a guy in a red hat approached me way too fast from my periphery. "Good morning." Was all I could get out before he answers with "plastic fittings". What kind of plastic? We have polyethylene sprinkler fittings, nylon fittings, schedule 40, sewer and drainage, gotta be more specific. I can see this man just seething, he was ready to take his problems out on anyone, so I asked, "What size?" He rolled his eyes and snipped "Inch, inch and a quarter." I pointed him in the right direction for the pvc fittings in those sizes and got on with the morning paperwork. It was too early for such rudeness.

After a few minutes passed, I went and checked on the customer. He was standing in the aisle, just staring with anger and dejection at the many bins of fittings. I asked him if he needed help and he asked for the plumber on staff. I told him we don't have a plumber. He asked for the manager. I'm acting department manager until 10. He finally looked at me, sizing me up in all of my androgyny, and decided to let me help him.

He told me that he had two pipes he wanted to join, but the area they were in was tight and the pipes couldn't spin to thread into anything. I grabbed him a coupler, just pop it on with some glue and he should be golden. He said no, he wanted a union. I grab him a union. He said no, it was too big. I grab him a smaller one, no it was too big. Over and over, this happens until we go around the corner, and I grab a 3/4 union for him. He said yes this time, but it needed to be treaded and it needed to be male. What? We don't carry male unions in our store (I dont know of they're even a thing), and we don't have threaded females in this size in pvc. I tried to explain this to him, and he just wasn't having it. "I bought one here last month." Blah blah blah no you didn't, you didn't even know where to look for a regular union. Whatever. So I offered to help him build one, to which he kept rambling about the one he bought recently. It was approaching 06:45 at that point. Way too early for this crap.

I grabbed a couple female socket to male thread adapters and some short pieces of pvc and stuck them to the union in an approximation of what the guy needed. I tried to explain that he could trim it down but he fussed "No, it's too long. When does the plumbing expert get here?" I was about to cut my losses and tell him the plumbing expert would be in after my shift was over, when he pulled out his phone to show me picture. My dude was not working in pvc. He was working in malleable iron. Malleable iron has threaded female unions in 3/4 inch. Why didn't he show me the friggen picture in the first place? I dunno. Fucking A.

I took him over there, and he immediately picked up the right union but demanded it to be male. I grabbed a nipple and screwed it in, and BAM! Male union. But again, the customer became frustrated and said "No. It should just be male by already." Bro is just that against gender affirming care, I guess. So he picked another of the EXACT SAME UNION and looked inside it. "See!?" He shoved the union in my face to show me the FEMALE THREADS "One like this. A male union." Dude has been getting his plumbing genders confused. I don't think I can help with that, so I'm just going to let him live his life I guess. He didn't thank me for my time or help. Just grabbed his union and left me dumbstruck.

He's not the only one to not know the difference between male and female thread, and he's not the only one to make it a problem. But holy shit dude.

Anyway, he complained about me to the store manager. I didn't get in trouble, but still.

[rachellaumbrella]

death

9/23/2024

I guess I made a tumblr to use as a diary, it seems like a lot people do. I would just journal but sometimes that doesn't always seem 100% private. I really don't know what to write either, I thought about writing about past life events. Maybe help myself work through stuff or unburden myself.. Ill write about my mom. She passed away in 2023. Actually 2 days after my 30th birthday. Shitty, I know. The last day I seen my mom was on my birthday, she would make whatever i wanted for dinner and always made me a cake. She wasn't feeling well because she had a cold & a ear ache, She kept asking if I was happy & okay cause she felt bad that she didn't feel well and felt like she didn't do enough. I was happy, I felt bad & even told her before if she wasn't feeling well, we can have my bday dinner another day. She insisted we still have it that day, looking back, I'm happy we did. The following day, her and my dad went grocery shopping. My bday was on Friday and she passed Sunday morning. So she went shopping Saturday, in case anyone is reading this & to better understand the timeline. On my bday, I told her I would be over Tuesday and if she still wasn't feeling well, I would take her to the doctor.

Back Story: My mom wasn't in poor health but she wasn't working due to having hip problems, making it difficult to walk around. She has always been in the service industry, either as a waitress or bartender. My mom has struggled with addiction to drugs and alcohol majority of her life, she got sober from drinking when i was in 3rd grade. She stayed sober for awhile but eventually began drinking again because like I said, she has always worked in bars & restaurants. Anyone who knows addiction, its not the best ide. a for a alcoholic to work in a bar. She never became sober from pain killers during this whole time, I didn't this till I was a adult. I'll get more into this another time. When she stopped working, I went over a lot during the day to keep her company and to drive her to doctor appointments or whatever she needed to do. In this time, I became closer to my mom than I ever had before. Due to her addiction, we didn't have much of a mother-daughter relationship or the one I wanted to have. I wasn't working at this time because I was taking care of my niece and nephew because my sister in law was struggling with her own issues at this time, again another story for another time.

Several months before her death, she had her hip replaced. The surgery went very well & her rehab was great. Due to insurance and her surgeon wanted to make sure she was in best shape for surgery, it took some time from the time she stopped working to having the surgery. Because it took so long, she was putting her weight on her other hip which wasn't already in the best of shape. After so much time, the doctor said basically, he couldn't even fit a hair in her hip joint, which means it was bone on bone. The week after my bday, we were going to the doctor to get the surgery scheduled for the other hip. My mom had her own mental health struggles through her life which led to self medicating and which lead to addiction. She was on several medications for mental health and she was on a drug for addiction opiates. She was on that for 10 years, maybe less. I don't think that's normal, I'm not a doctor so who am I to say, right? I think I'll write more about her addiction in another time. I think I'm getting side tracked haha.

So I have dinner with my family Friday for my birthday. Saturday, my parents go grocery shopping and spend the day at home. My bday is in January in Northwest Indiana so its very cold. My husband & I go to dinner Saturday night for my bday, he likes to do something just us for my bday plus it was my 30th so we went to a nice place. Sunday morning, I wake up, I don't feel right... Not like sick or anything just felt like something was off. I got up and went to lay on the couch and put on the TV. For some reason, which to this day I do not know why I left my cell phone on my nightstand. Which isn't something I normally do. I end up drifting back off to sleep and I woke to my husband talking, it sounded like he was just woken up. I heard him say my dads name so I sat up. He came out into the living room and handed me the phone. I don't remember if it was his phone or mine. I do recall looking at my phone after and seeing I had 8 missed calls from my dad. My phone was on silent so I never heard it. I never heard my dad scream and cry like that, he kept just saying, "she's dead Rachel, she's dead". It didn't register with me at the moment, I just looked at my husband and said, "I need to go, something is wrong with my mom". My husband already knew what was going on so we got our coats & left. I live about 30 minutes from my parents home. I don't remember the drive very much besides my aunt calling to see where I was. When I got there, there was so many cars there. My moms sisters(who live 45 minutes away) were there along with their husbands and one aunt brought her kids too. It was a lot to walk into. My dads brother & wife(my uncle & aunt) were also there. My dad wouldn't let the funeral home take my mom or move her until I got there. I was asked if I wanted to see her before they took her, I really didn't know how to answer or feel about it. I guess it took over a hour for anyone to show up and move her. So my mom was laying on the floor while everyone was showing up. The funeral home, was in the middle of putting her on a gunnery as I arrived. Like I said, all of this wasn't really registering with me or what happened or what was happening. I went to see my dad first and was stopped because they were taking my mom out, I turned around and seen my mom in a body bag. Then was asked if I wanted to see her or say bye before they took her. I didn't want to. I didn't see her. Which I think was for the best, I didn't want my last memory and seeing my mom for the final time in my childhood home was of her dead. My last memory was on my birthday, her alive giving me hugs, kisses, telling me "happy birthday", and asking if I was happy. Its bitter. I don't look forward to my birthday anymore. My mom passed in January of 2023, so as I write this, it been almost 2 years. That whole day was a lot. I was annoyed with my family for even being there. My moms sisters quit speaking to her for several years. They only recently started speaking again because my grandmother had to go into the hospital for a fall and the doctors said she couldn't live on her own anymore so we had to go through all her belongings and move her into assisted living. My mom was aware she wasn't the best sister to them due her addictions. She was trying to mend those relationship's at the time. I just wanted everyone gone so I can process all of it, My sister was on the phone the whole time, calling everyone to let them know what happened. My sister is much more social than I am. I barely use any social media, I don't post really anything about my life around 2 years or more. My dad was crying a lot and blamed himself for not getting up sooner, in his head, if he got up sooner, he would seen her on the ground and could of got her help.

My dad didn't want a autopsy done because he didn't want anyone to hurt her and cut her. I don't know what actually caused her death. If the death appears to be natural causes, the corner doesn't even take the body, you have to find a funeral home and have them come. Which I didn't know, you'd think there would be things in place so the family doesn't have to figure that out within moments of a loved one passing. I don't think her cold had much to do with her death. I just know it was natural causes, so it could be heart attack, stroke...I guess whatever is in the realm of natural causes. I was angry and so sad for such a long time because it wasn't fair, why would she pass right after my birthday... Just grief.

Her service was really nice. A lot more people showed up, way more than we expected and planned for. It was too overwhelming, I didn't want to talk to everyone and be asked what happened , I couldn't tell them. I just tried to avoid everyone as much as possible. I never thought about that before. I've been to more than my fair share of funerals before and it is just the worst, standing there & repeating the same things over & over to everyone who comes up to you. Its almost torture. The funeral home did a wonderful job and so helpful. My mom loved pajama sets. She liked to me comfortable and cute. We decided to put her in set of her favorite pajamas. She wore a pink long sleeve shirt and the pants were grey and pink. If you didn't knwo, you'd think she was just in a regular outfit. I don't know the correct name but the lady who dressed her and did the make up did a great job. Like I said, I've been to a lot of services and a lot of the time, the person doesn't look like them anymore. My mom looked like she was just asleep. I couldn't touch her. I never been able to touch anyone in a casket since I was a kid. The first time I did, the body was hard and cold. I didn't understand why the person felt that way. As I got older, I understand it but I just couldn't bring myself to hug & kiss my mom while she was in the casket. I don't know if that makes me a bad person or not.

[kreeperslash]

Journal Pt.11

Monday was just another plain day here in Mexico I went out to renew my electoral voter card (which basically will be acting as my main ID so I don't need to lug around my passport with me). Went to look at some fridges and AC units for my room mostly focused on their sizes, price, etc, keep tabs on if they do delivery to my home or not and whether they do basic or full installation. Afterwards to the central zone to get some other stuff I'm missing like bug bite cream for my 50 plus bites on my legs, arms, and mostly feet. A belt since I've lost a lot of weight living in Australia 160lb to 135lb. Some sweat garbs to have on me when I go out and don't need to use my clothes or arms to wipe it off and Multivitamins for just general needing them. So that took most of my morning to afternoon in which I got some menudo for lunch. Been a long time since I ate this stuff I only eat the belly and never the feet so I asked to omit that part. Despite the crummy, smelly, bad air quality, and other conditions I don't wanna bag against my home city the food and people will always be great. Went to visit my uncle and cousins at the shop they own in the city and just explain what I've been doing and what I hope we can get done while I'm here they are great and I love my mom's brother he is a great guy as well as his kids, afterwards got some bread for my grandmother to eat and some produce she wanted me to grab for her. Took the taxi bag home but so weird how they are always so full but lucky to manage to snag one with one seat left. Still got a lot left to buy but little by little I'll figure out where everything is.

Talking to C bit by bit but since the end of the day basically means she is waking up or whatever and my day ends since currently I'm so exhausted from the day. I try to stay up as long as I can before sleep grips me and try to talk to them as long as I can. Sleeping at 10 Pm is weird I don't know if it's my weird sleep schedule fuck up or if me being pressured to actively be doing something for myself is making me sleep early and wake up early never consistently been waking up at 5 Am before. I'll bring it up with my therapist or psychiatrist when the time comes to get some mental help. Until next time adios.

[messofmoss]

saturday, june 22, 2024

8:31am

i just slept for 11 hours. i got home from work and basically just passed out. my phone is half dead. my whole body hurts. i had a whole handprint on my arm when i woke up lol

there were many times my mind was racing yesterday and i wanted to write here but i was working and couldn't. i feel like writing it down helps a bit because instead of rattling around in my brain, it's pouring out here. like a bit of release and relief.

my head hurts. it hurt a lot yesterday too. i forgot to take my pills. i haven't missed a day in awhile. i was missing a refill and i was going to take them when i got the missing part but forgot about it.

i feel shitty. i don't want to go to work today. or do anything really. slept 11 hours and i just want to go back to sleep. sleep 11 more hours. i hate work. i don't want to go. i don't want to be around humans. i just want to be in my dark cave with my cats and my kindle and my pillow. i didn't even get to enjoy my days off because it was too hot to exist.

i feel like crying right now. i don't want to go so bad. i can't just call out every weekend though. ugh

10:19am

i sent her a minute of voice messages and all she says back is "okayyy" an hour later. really nothing to say at all??? why do i even bother

5:15pm

teary in the car again. i think julia is mad at me for calling her a hater. i was only teasing.

as SOON as she opened my last voice message, she started typing and said she was going to bed. she hadn't even listened to half of it yet. that voice was my attempt to change the subject. i said "i'm going to try to befriend the new girl at work tonight" the one i had told her might be a lesbian. idk i'm just so sad.

lilly told me to back off her and see if she reaches out to me first. i feel like she won't because last night i fell asleep and forgot to send her good morning message and when i woke up, she had read my last message and just... didn't say anything to me.

8:40pm

i can't enjoy my free time because i made a plan and that plan isn't until monday morning but like it takes away future planned free time before work and now i'll have to be out doing something and now i am just in a perpetual state of anxiety waiting for that thing. and it's like when you have a dentist appt at like 2pm so you can't enjoy your morning because you're just waiting for the appointment. i hate transition periods. i used to tell brogan to not tell me if he had to leave in like 10 or 20 minutes or whatever because then i wouldn't be able to enjoy that time anymore because it would feel like we are in a transition phase and it just makes me stupid anxious. the plan for monday is to go to clifton park at 8am to pick up thomas from the mechanic and hang with him til i have to work. i just hate making plans in general. i hate weekends because i have to work. i hate feeling trapped. work schedule makes me feel trapped. making plans makes me feel trapped.

also i have acid reflux/heartburn whatever for the first time in aaaaages and i hate it so much. i think it's because i've had pan pizza two days in a row at work. i need to get back to my diet. i feel like shit. i look like shit. i am shit. i look at my reflection and i don't even recognize my face anymore. like who the fuck is that? why do i look like that?

[keefwho]

March 28 - 2024 Thursday

11:01pm

6/10

This morning I cleaned the center area of my desk and wiped everything down. I also cleaned the top of the microwave and hotplate real good. For breakfast I made a grilled cheese out of the loaf's end pieces and some bean soup. Already I had not planned for today to have a normal schedule. I worked on AE's avatar for about 45 minutes in call with one of BR's friends. Then I went down to the store for some water, coke, and drinks for the weekend. I briefly met the mechanic that works in the shop next door to the store and I was trying to make conversation with the cashier and my mom. The cashier is a girl about a year younger than me and mom told me she plays DnD in Seeley every Saturday and that she lives down here. I don't know about anyone else around my age in the area so that was interesting to find out. When I got back home I worked on the avatar for another hour before lunch. I got most of it done and am going to try to finish tomorrow. I also saw that BD was in VR so I hopped in to chat with her in desktop and we had a nice little conversation.

Lunch was stir fry using these green beans and red potatoes in garlic sauce. It was good but too much food, I was stuffed and had snacked on salt and vinegar chips an hour before. I also got a headache for some reason and blew off my work for the rest of the day. I spent my afternoon watching someone stream challenged in various Mario games while I let my body settle. At some point I took a desk nap with my eye resting on my wrist. Then I played some Stardew on the side and waited for TK to be free since we planned to hang out. When she was about to get in VR, I got on and found a very pleasant jigsaw puzzle world that lets you use custom images. BD also joined us and her guy friend and we did the puzzle in about 40 minutes. TK was talking about her trip to see her family the past week and then her friends joined. BD left to join others so I chatted with TK for a little before joining those other friends. Those people were interesting, it was a few furries chilling in a hot tub and it was a decent time. They were pretty welcoming and liked what I did to achieve my otter model. I felt very out of place though because everyone was part of a couple besides me, I was the only one sitting alone. I don't think it's something I would have cared about if it wasn't so visually obvious and downright comedic. GT joined and left pretty quick, he was high. I got off to eat dinner and get ready for bed.

~~~

Today was about presence so I tried to catch myself when I was either thinking about the past or predicting the future. My go to method to disengage was to intently focus on whatever sounds I was currently hearing and that worked pretty well.

I was thinking about love again today and how like my friend, I also tend to question if I'm worthy of being loved or if I'll ever find what I'm looking for. It's easy to think the outlook isn't good. I've been close to dating but never really "dated" and I'm 27 years old. It feels downright pathetic sometimes. I feel like I've lagged behind and simply cannot fit with anyone anymore unless they've also lagged behind which must be extremely rare. I'm very tempted to push all these feelings down and resign myself to being single for the rest of my life again. But thats not what I want, I'd be miserable if I did that. Thats part of why I've BEEN miserable, denying how much I want to love and be loved. Another thing I've noticed is how no one has ever seemed to be as dedicated and obsessed with me as I have been with anyone. I dream about how good it'll feel someday for someone to be crazy about me for once. But then I think, what is there to be crazy about? At least right now, I'm a shell of a person. I can't blame anyone for not wanting to invest in that.

[indigo474]

31:00~~2/10/24~~

I ran my 2nd 5 k today and managed to run 3 minutes and 26 seconds faster than last time.. l'm not even sure how that is possible.. it must be the hills. i am so proud of myself and again amazed. a tiny tiny voice tells me i could have done better.. maybe... Madison came wiht me for support. I saw people there alone so next time I wont bother her to come with me, unless she wants to of course. I wish i had someone to celebrate with. i'm thankful for Maddy.. I'm thankful for a lot but still wish i had someone. i thought a lot today about how my divorce was/is the single best thing that has ever happened to me. I thought about how i hate hate hate how people say ohh sorry for your divorce. I thought about how it would have been a shame for me to not be the person i am today and how much i have learned and grown and healed. i thought about how i wish i had left sooner .. i dont let myself go too fr down that trail. I left and thats all that matters.. all these great things. Me- i dont know if i will ever be use to this life and these feelings of happiness.. when i laugh, i laugh.. joy. i did not have that or feel that for a lot of years and the last thing i wanted was to really feel anything because none of it was any good and now.. now.. peace. Peace.. and love. Madison is sweet to me. she knows i eat an apple a day and when she shops she has been making sure to buy apples. when we lived in our apartment she would always make sure to leave the outside light on for me.. i hate walking up to a dark house.. ptsd from Chatham. If he turned the automatic light off i knew i was in trouble. sooo.. i guess i'll keep running..

I am not a game player. Its just not my natural state. Pam has issue. Deep seeded trauma from her childhood.. its so obvious to me. the way she talks and her need to be liked and seen as cool and the way she tries to manipulate the people around her. She's smart but not intelligent. So, whatever.. i'm not friends with any of them.. there's one supervisor i kind of like, she was my first supervisor when i started.. and she is weird. None of it matters. I'm working from home tomorrow. I didnt get nearly enough sleep last night. I didnt want to get out of bed this morning. i tried to be nice to my Mom this week, i was being kind and supportive and she can not accept love because she does not love herself . she hates herself and doesnt think she deserves kindness or love and that is not my problem. do i love myself enough to be able to receive love?

I spoke to my manager in regards to the very important meeting she missed. She claims to have wanted to be there but it was thrown together last minute and she was not made aware of the time. Drew was in charge of the timing. Drew is always in charge of the meeting times and he sucks at it. I pretty much said that to her but in a professional way. its taken a year but his scheduling skills infuriate me. people pretty much do what benefits them. Drew has a attitude about people leaving work at 5.. he feels we should all stay later. He is late to work everyday and it benefits him to stay later so misses the rush hour traffic. ive stayed late in the past to accommodate him. I'm not doing that anymore. I get to work early almost every day. I am not staying later than i have to. I feel like he doesnt value other peoples time. he's called me 2 x in 2 days while i wasn't work.. he called me today while i was in walmart talking nonsense.. i got a new rep who is a total idiot. he never should have made it out of training and Drew is acting like he's been on team for a long time and what am i going to do about him. He's been on my team for less than 20 hrs- he was on Drew's team for 90+ days- how and why did this guy become my problem when he has been a problem all along.

I'm going to read the Bhagavad Gita- maybe finish it. I have been sleeping a little too good.. through the night good. the funny thing about work is none of it matters.. we can all be replaced tomorrow and that place would still go on. I shouldn't let it stress me out. i woke up with my period today. silence is beautiful. You're doing a great job April.. keep going! Good night

.

[lifeafteratransplant]

Health Anxiety & Trying to Get Into a Routine

Life, is hard. No doubt about it, and having a crazy, stressful schedule is not making it any easier, obviously.

No I don't have kids, but I have a husband, two animals, and myself. Lab/blood draw appointments every Monday, grocery shopping, taking my photography classes, taking my dog to vet for whatever reason, taking him to the groomers, making sure I visit with my mom, and talk to my family back in Iowa, it all comes down on me, and yeah it might not seem as hard as raising a kid, but it is hard for me.

I am double organ transplant recipatant. Which means that I have health anxiety through the roof sometimes. I have to check my blood levels every week just tp make sure I am ok. I hope that it isn't like that forever but I have been through 3 rejections in the 2 years since I had my transplant. Every time was terrifying. This last time was the scariest thought, cause it wasn't just my pancreas it was my kidney too. The thought of loosing my kidney made me sob, and my heart jump out of my chest. My pancreas has been touchy since the get-go. If I loose that I would become diabetic again, which I can handle. Loosing my kidney would me I would have to go back on dialysis and for me that isn't an option. They have used the strongest rejection drugs on me as the possibly can, 3 times now. Meaning that I cannot take them again. Imagine that in the back of your head 24/7, not fun.

This anxiety that I carry makes it hard to make plans, be in public, affects relationships, and causes deep depression and loneliness. I live in a state where this not a lot to do. With my multiple rejections, I haven't been able to hold a job, So basically I am a stay home wife, and that is not something I thought I would ever be. I'm not saying that is bad by any means, but I NEED to have a job to feel like I am contributing to society some how. It becomes very lonely and I fall into a state of depression where it is hard to get out of sometimes.

That is where the second half of the title of this blog post comes in. Trying to have a routine is so important. You have better sleep, which helps your mood, and you energy levels, which helps you get done that shit that needs to get done. I wake up about 8:30-9 every morning, and as of recently try to have breakfast. Whether it be a smoothie, toast and fruit, eggs and bacon. Something in my stomach always helps. Also I take a lot of meds so that is important to have food in your system when taking those. From there, I usually get on the computer check my emails, scroll Facebook, and then look at what I need to do around the house. I am ALWAYS cleaning it seems, I have two pets, both who shed like crazzzzy! Vacuuming every day or every other day is a must, and moping at least once a week. I cooke a lot so constantly loading and unloading the dishwasher, and cleaning the stove and counter tops. The list goes on. After the cleaning is done, I watch my photography courses, do some laundry, make myself lunch, and as of recently I had to put together a whole list of documents for my husband's immigration lawyer so he can get his 10 year green card. Some days I run into town to run errands, like doctor's appointments, grocery shopping, pick up medications, and as of recently furniture shopping. (I'll explain that in another post) I find that just having a list of things to do and crossing them off really helps me.

Everyone's life is different, so that means every routine will look different. Don't model your life after someone else's, you do what works best for you and your schedule. Know your limits, take the time to rest and take care of yourself and life will start to get, maybe not easier, but let's say peaceful. Find solitude and happiness in the little things, and don't take yourself so seriously. Always take care of YOU first, then you can give your best self to the ones you love.

Much love,

Karli

[sluntch]

My Health Journey - A Writing Experiment - Day 3

Welcome back gang. Today's post is gonna be a bit shorter and probably more stream of consciousness as it's later, I spent 3-7 AM in the emergency room, and I'm high. I'll most likely save the specifics and stuff for later entries in this "journal", or whatever I'm calling it, though some may slip in during the natural projection of what I'm about to ramble on about. Thanks for showing up again, should you have read the previous two entries, and thanks for showing up for the first time if you've not been to this toilet blog before. See what's up under the cut.

So last time, I detailed some of my holdover issues from college and into the specific diet that I chose to use during my time attempting to lose weight. As a reminder, it's the one that works for me - Caloric deficit. I simply eat fewer calories than I expend during a day and then I lose weight. What I've found through this eating style is that I very much like planning out the menus of food that I eat during the week and that I very much like tracking numbers and seeing data points related to things that I'm doing. In particular, watching my weight graph over the course of the year has been particularly gratifying. Planning my meals out also allowed me to get into a routine, something that I could repeat each day. Data, planning, and routine. These are three things that no one who knew me in my college and early professional life would ever associate with me as a person. I was a guy who wouldn't even make a list to go to the store. I would simply walk into Giant Eagle and improvise until my cart was full of some necessities for the week but also just a ton of junk and snacks and other nonsense that I didn't need. As a middle child and only son who wasn't as put-together (in my own personal views on myself) as his type-A, organized, and successful sisters, I kind of just fell into the role of the "slacker who makes it through on pure bullshit and vibes" and assumed that's where I'd be for my life. Turns out, most surprisingly to me, that I love being organized, I love having a schedule, and I love having routines. Learning how to bring this kind of structure into my life allowed me to balance my days so that I wasn't tempted to binge eat food and I was able to provide a much more concrete answer to the question that always stuck at the back of my mind but I never chose to answer seriously in the moment - Am I hungry or am I bored?

If I were to write a book about this, that'd probably be what it'd be called. Now that I'm thinking about it, that should most likely have been the title of this project. I may retroactively go back and change it. We'll see.

My daily schedule and routine eventually boiled down to a few things after I had tried out some different combinations. The target time is when I do the task and any other time is up for grabs and mostly revolved around when I would eat during the day so that I could have concrete points where I'd be eating.

6 AM (or thereabouts) - Wake up

7 AM - Workout

8 AM - Breakfast and medications

10 AM - Morning snack, should I be hungry for one (usually a piece of fruit or something)

12 PM - Lunch

3 PM - Afternoon snack (usually something salty or veggie)

6 PM - Dinner

7 PM - Evening tea and dessert

10 PM - Get ready for bed

With my days structured in this specific way, I could mete out times when I would eat and times were I would do other things, such as focusing more on my work or my hobbies, and daily tasks that would distract me from (over)eating. I have two snacking styles - grazing and bulk. When I graze, I walk through the kitchen and have a spoonful or handful of something that is within reach. When I bulk, I get a large portion (abnormally large like a full cereal bowl of goldfish) of something and just pound it. The latter has been mitigated a lot as of late by me making my own healthy snacks and measuring out portions ahead of time. Grazing is something that I still struggle with daily, It's just so easy to grab a spoonful of the burrito bowls I made for dinner last night and then I end up doing that like eight times. Might as well have just had a bowl of it at a certain point. I feel guilty and bad when I do this even though I know that, in the grand scheme, it doesn't really matter all that much but I still wish that I was able to have more self control. Though I suppose there's always something to work on, right?

Making my own snacks has been, I believe, the most significant thing I've done to help with the "snacking issue". I discovered that all I really wanted was the crunch - the satisfying crunch of a crunchy snack. So I started with making my own popcorn. It was delicious. I then moved onto veggie-based snacks. I would slice up peppers or cucumber and have a sauce like Cholula or Buffalo Sauce on them. They were delicious. Then I started getting sugar snap peas. They were delicious. They were lower calorie, I could eat them in larger quantities, and they were crunchy. It was the ultimate combo that I had been craving. I was now eating more fruit and veggies and eating three square healthy meals a day. The routines and the efforts were beginning to pay off considerably.

That's where I'm gonna cut it now because I want to go sit on the couch with my wife and V I B E so that's what I'm gonna do. Next time, I'm going to get into the numbers. For real. Specifically the numbers regarding my caloric intake/output per day, potentially some of the workouts that I chose to do build into my routine, and my brush with danger regarding the process that almost put a brick through the whole venture. Thanks for sticking through this if you have. You are appreciated and I hope you return.

63 days to go.