#so i'll schedule it for the morning or whatever. like around 10 AM.

[randomsloredrops]

Random's Lore Drops - Flowey, the Psycho.

Obligatory 2:30 AM post (please help I'm an insomniac I think), so here's lore drop on the flower that nobody really mischaracterizes. That's right, IT'S...

Flowey the Fucker- I mean, Flowey the Flower. Yes, I went out of my way to find a sprite by toby fox that wasn't the exact same, so uh... bow-wearing Flowey lmao. Anywho, Spoiler warnings, so don't stay if you haven't played the hit game Undertale by Robert Fucking Fox. Or, at least, I think Fucking is his middle name. It'd be funny as shi- Oh yeah, I'm writing. ANYWAYS, Flowey the Flower is the antagonist and literally the final boss for two of the main endings (but one of them isn't actually Flowey). Or, well, "two", not including the fact that there are, like, fifty neutral endings with the same boss. Now, if you don't know much about him, he's a psychopathic, sadistic talking golden flower with no SOUL. Literally, he is SOUL-less, and so, he is soulless. That's basically his whole premise. His backstory is (SPOILER-FUCKING-WARNING) that he is Asriel Dreemurr, son of Toriel and Asgore Dreemurr, resurrected after his demise, but this time as a sentient flower due to a DT experiment gone wrong. As Flowey the Flower, his whole shtick is to be as deceiving as possible, acting as a fake tutorial in an attempt to kill you at the start of the game, using you so you can reveal the SOULs as you fight Asgore and weaken him to kill him, using you as bait in order to bring all of the major characters together so he can capture all of them and absorb their SOULs, along with the human SOULs, and finish you off, shattering Asgore's SOUL at the end of a genocide route in order to prevent you from leaving the Underground (since, knowing us, we'd just wipe out all of mankind), and also... well, that's all I can remember, really. Within the genocide route, he almost immediately mistakes you for Chara right after informing Toriel about her cars extended warranty that she couldn't pay since she was in the Ruins and thus sending the IRS after her, while it only takes a whole pacifist route for him to refer to you as such, as he usually just goes and refers to the player as "you" or, in the most Flowey way possible, "IDIOT" in the neutral route. He IS capable of feeling emotions, such as annoyance and anger, boredom, it's just so muted that he's almost emotionless, and due to this, has CANONICALLY murdered the ENTIRETY OF THE FUCKING UNDERGROUND MULTIPLE TIMES OVER, (and somehow people say Asgore is worse for killing only 6 human kids, when, in theory, Flowey has killed many more monster children) ranging from the most random Monsters ever, and despiseable Monsters, like Jerry, or Icecap, to Monsters like Toriel, who is, theoretically, as he is Asriel Dreemurr, but as emotionless flower, HIS OWN GODDAMN MOTHER. His whole reason as for why he wants the human SOULs in a Neutral route is to "become GOD", and in the Pacifist route, he just wants to do everything all over again, from the beginning, back when he and Chara were still alive. Because remember, in Pacifist, he STILL mistakes you for Chara until after you win against him. ...Oh, and remember, UTY isn't actually canon, so canon Flowey (as in Undertale canon, not UTY canon) doesn't know who the fuck Clover is. That's about it.

[cosmicpearlz]

fragile hearts

summary: two public figures that try to navigate their relationship with such hectic schedules. at some point, it was bound to come crashing down, right?

pairing: jude bellingham x singer!reader

valentine's day, cryin' in the hotel

i know you didn't mean to hurt me,

so i kept it to myself.

-

meeting jude had been a complete accident. you had a show in madrid, causing some of the players from real madrid to go. he happened to be one of them, along with vinicius, brahim and eduardo. naturally, you invited them backstage because you were a fan of the well-known football team. jude couldn't take his eyes off of you. memorized by the way you performed on stage. the confidence that flowed from you with every word you sang.

it's been a year since you first met. being boyfriend and girlfriend hasn't always been easy, because of the fact that you guys have to do long distance but you made it work.

"baby!" you yelled across the house, rushing to find jude. you found him sitting on the bed, watching tv. he looks up towards the door when you came running in.

"what's going on sunshine?" you jumped on him and hugged him tightly. jude chuckles, while wrapping his arms around you just as tight.

"i was just asked to perform in barcelona! they have a festival going on and want me to perform."

"that's amazing baby. when is it?"

"on the fourteenth." jude's eyebrows furrowed.

"on valentines day?"

"yeah."

"i have a match that day. you said you would come." he slowly removing his arms from around your waist. you tilt your head in confusion and sit up in his lap.

"i didn't think it would be a problem. i'm at almost all of your matches."

"why didn't you ask?"

"why do i have to? this is huge for my career for them to even want me there."

jude taps your leg gently, making you get out of his lap. in a way, you felt hurt. this was suppose to be a happy moment for you and your boyfriend wasn't being as supportive.

"well congratulations i guess," he grabs his phone and walks out. you sit there dumbfounded at his behavior. you would've never treated him like that. why couldn't he be supportive of this great opportunity?

-

the days leading up to the date were quiet. it was like a switch flipped off in jude. you guys went from spending pretty much every waking moment together to not even having a conversation that lasted more than five minutes. feeling like strangers rather than boyfriend and girlfriend.

you woke up before jude, knowing he had to leave early and decided to cook him breakfast for valentine's day as a surprise. cooking everything you knew he liked and plated it nicely. you almost couldn't contain the smile that was forming on your face. awkward phase or not, jude was the love of your life and that wasn't going to change.

"good morning baby! happy valentine's day," you walked in the room, finding him siting up against the headboard. you handed him one of the plates and sat across from him on the bed.

"happy valentine's day m'love. thank you for breakfast," jude leans forward and places kisses to your cheek and lips.

"i wanted to do something special for you. oh, plus, i have another surprise for you after my set." the boy's mood was quick to turn sour once again.

"I have my match, remember? oh yeah, you don't care enough to remember."

"jude," you sighed and placed your plate in your lap. "your match is at 10 am and then my set is at 6 pm."

"why can't you come to the match then?"

"they want me there early. i'm sorry babe."

"yeah whatever," he goes to eating the rest of his breakfast in silence.

"please don't spend the rest of our morning like this." you were met with silence, leaving you no choice but to wallow in it. "can you come to my set?" you quietly asked, hoping the answer would be yes even though he's upset. you guys were each others good luck charm.

"we'll see."

"jude, please don't be like that."

"i said, i'll see if i can make it. i don't know what you want me to say," he gets out of bed and makes his way to the kitchen. leaving you behind with a ache in your chest.

"i just wanted you to say that you'll be there," mumbling to yourself, you get up and follow him to the kitchen. jude stood over the sink washing the dishes that was left from you cooking. you slide your plate and fork in the sink, wrapping your arms around his waist after.

"if you can't make it, i understand. just please come to the hotel that my team has me in. i really do have a surprise for you."

"okay." you placed a kiss to his shoulder blade and unwrapped yourself from him, giving him space.

-

you were buzzing for the rest of the day. excited that your boyfriend's team won the match and this was your first time performing in barcelona. you texted jude, congratulating him on the win. as you were getting dressed, you were hoping that jude would be there in the crowd. especially since madrid was only a six hour drive away from barcelona.

"you ready rockstar?" you excitedly nodded at your manger kate. she gave you a high five and patted your back. you gave her one last smile, before letting the stage production guide you to the stage.

"hello barcelona! thank you, thank you, thank you for inviting me to play," the screams from the crowd making your heart warm. "i'm so excited to play for you all. let's get started, yeah?"

jude watched as you danced around the stage. it reminded him of the first time you guys met. he always loved seeing you in your element. absolutely letting go and just being yourself, while you sang. the boy started to feel guilty about not being happy for you when you first told him the news. he was being petty and reminded himself to apologize when he sees you backstage.

"i love you guys so much. thank you for being here and inviting me! goodnight barcelona," you blew a kiss and waved, as you walked off the stage.

there jude stood with a bouquet of your favorite flowers. you jumped into his arms, pulling him down into a tight hug. he didn't hesitate to wrap his arms around your waist.

"you did so good baby. i'm unbelievably proud of you."

"i can't believe you made it."

"i was dick but i could never miss this moment. love seeing you on stage," jude places kisses all over of your face, causing you to giggle uncontrollably. you pushed his head away and smiled.

"i still have a surprise for you! we should get going."

"after you m'lady," jude dramatically bows as you lead the way. you were excited to finally have a conversation that lasted more than five minutes. going back to the way you guys were before.

-

"okay, so i worked really hard on this. i wanted to do this as a 'i'm sorry for missing your match'. i really hope you like-" you were cut off by jude's phone ringing. he took the phone out of his pocket and answered it immediately.

"nah, I'm not busy at all," your brows furrowed hearing him say that. it felt like a punch to your gut. as if you weren't showing him the surprise you had been planing for weeks. it takes a couple minutes before he gets off the phone.

"i'm sorry babe, i have to go."

"what?"

"the team wanted to go out to celebrate the win. i'll be back before midnight. i love you," jude kissed your lips and then moved to place one to your forehead as well. he was already walking away before you could get another word in. sighing to yourself, you walked into your hotel room.

you had the room decorated with balloons and rose petals everywhere. figuring that because it was valentine's day, he deserved something nice. instead, you were in the room alone. hoping that he'll be back before midnight like he promised.

-

he wasn't there. didn't answer a text message nor any of your calls. you waited, watching the time go by quickly. this was enough to make you question your relationship. jude was usually really good with his promises. did he do this on purpose because you missed the match?

"happy valentine's day jude," you whisper to yourself, drinking from the bottle of champagne you bought for your shared time together.

you silently cried to yourself as you watched the clock hit one o'clock in the morning. you felt so alone and unwanted. jude would rather spend time with his teammates than his own girlfriend. maybe the long distance wasn't working for him anymore. maybe he was still being petty. all you knew was that you were hurt. even crying didn't ease the pain that lingered in your chest.

[colby-jac-cheese]

DO YOU SEE THIS CAT?!

I WAS WARNED ABOUT THIS CAT WHEN I MOVED IN WITH MY SIBLINGS 3 YEARS AGO! SHE IS F A T

SHE WAS NOT ALWAYS FAT!

According to my sister, when she and 2 of our other siblings first started college, she was still skinny! But! They moved from our dad's house, to an apartment! So she could no longer be an outside cat!

On top of that! All three of my siblings had VERY different schedules! One worked morning shift, so they were awake early morning and went to bed early evening! One was a full time college student! So they had afternoon classes, and woke up around 9 or 10 am to walk to class! Awake late morning to late evening but not obserdly late. The LAST!!! WORKED NIGHT SHIFT!!! they woke up mid-afternoon ish, and went to bed super early technically morning!

Which means!!! There were several hours when people came home/woke up where everyone else was unavailable!

Do you see where this is going???

THIS FAT FUCKING CAT WOULD PLAY UP 'woe is me. . . No one has feed me ever . . . I'm so hungry. . . .' EVERY FEW HOURS!!! WHEN ONLY ONE PERSON AT A TIME WAS AROUND!!! MEANING THIS ONE LAZY INDOOR CAT WAS BEING FED ALMOST 6 TIMES A DAY!!! And then one day they all looked at her and she was like this!

Cut to me moving in

I was warned of this! Three years ago!!! They told me 'hey! Fatass is very smart! She will gaslight you into thinking she's starving. Don't believe her!'

I thought, foolishly, 'that's fine! I'm smart! I've owned 4 Cats myself! Surely I'll be fine!'

W R O N G.

For several days, without fail, every other month! She manages to bamboozle me into feeding her!

The latest plot was uncovered today, and it is BY FAR her most insidious!

Imagine with me, if you will!

Be me: the baby of the house! Youngest sibling currently living under this roof! My operating hours are roughly 5 pm, to 6 am. Fat cat knows that she gets fed TWO. TIMES. every day! Once in the morning, and once at night!

Fat cat KNOWS she gets fed sometime after the sun comes up, but she doesn't know WHEN! She also knows that when she's hungry and ready to eat, she can go and ask for food! By. Meowing.

But she has never, IN THE 3 YEARS IVE LIVED HERE, come to ME to ask for food. Now don't get me wrong! I feed her! I am, in fact, primary cat feeder if the house! Because as the youngest it is my duty to get up and do whatever small task my siblings don't wanna do. (bring/guard cigs, feed cats, fill water bottle ect ect)

and she KNOWS I'm the feeder! Because the second she asks her parents to be fed, and they call my name, she RUNS to stare at me as I stand and start making my way to the cat food. So she is AWARE! THIS THIS IS MY JOB!

But I am not her parent. I am the interloper, the food slave, the one who doesn't pay rent and therefor gets no rights. So. She doesn't come tell me when she's hungry.

Now! Camera pan over to cats father!

my brother: the second eldest. He is very annoyed with me some mornings. Because every now and then, I stretch my waking hours to about 10 or 11 am, aka the time he wakes up for class and the few hours after the time that fat cat is SUPPOSED to be fed.

During the night, I keep my headphones on! This is me being considerate of the other people in the house. So none of my siblings wake to to the sound of my spooky ghost hunting videos or silly minecraft smps!

But this also means!!! I don't hear when the cat goes and meows in my brother's face at 8 or 9 am! Demanding to be fed! Screaming 'awaken father! I am withering away, and the sun is up! Feed me or face my wrath!' Two inches away from his face. So my brother, every now and then, wakes up and gets angry that I "let the cat" wake him up when I was already awake.

SO!

ME! BEING THE GOOD CONSIDERATE SIBLING I AM! I START LISTENING OUT FOR WHEN THE CATS START SCREAMING SO I CAN FEED THEM BEFORE THEY WAKE MY BROTHER UP!

And she recognized what I was doing. Immediately.

So. The next time she sees I'm awake . . . She goes to my brother room. And starts meowing. . . At 6 am. Technically sunrise, which is when she's 'supposed to be' fed. . . Almost 2 or 3 hours earlier than she's meant to.

I then. . . MOST OF THE TIME. . . Go to sleep. . . After I feed her. . . BECAUSE I GO TO BED AT 6 AM! And then. . . AT 8 OR 9 AM. . . SHE WAKES MY BROTHER UP TO FEED HER.

AND IM FAST ASLEEP UNABLE TO WARN HIM OF HER SCHEMES!

She ALSO attempts to do this at her evening meals! Where she demands to be fed roughly an hour earlier than normal. And I think, 'well I fed her way earlier than she's used to, so I guess it makes sense. ' so I feed her.

She's very confused on why it doesn't work the same when an hour laster she demands food again, but everyone was AWAKE! TO SEE HER BEING FED! she's like 'it worked this morning? Why not now?' And is VERY upset when we don't feed her twice at night.

FUCKING! FAT! ASS! CAT! SHE GOT ME AGAIN!

[katkat030]

*Boop* *Boop* *Boop* *Boop* *Boop* *Boop* *Boop*

Ello! How is your day/night/whatever time it is going for you?

(Also, if I were to start watching Hermitcraft would it be best to start from the beginning or is there a season you’d advise? I’ve watched some of Grians videos before)

(It’s almost 4 am, I’m just going around poking people that also reblogged the post saying to do so XD This is the problem with being bored and having Insomnia)

Heyyyyy! :D I just saw this pop up <3 *Boop* *Boop* *Boop* to you too

I'm procrastinating but otherwise the day's going pretty well :p I hope the insomnia lets up soon though

I'm so happy you asked though, I'll try to keep this as short as possible

HC season 8 is my absolute favourite BY FAR (but it's so hard to pick favourites I love all the others too), it's a fairly short season so pretty jam-packed with interactions and funny things rather than just the grind you might find near the middle of a longer season

You weren't reallyyy asking for POVs to watch, but I recommend Grian, potentially Scar if you decide you like his pov! he's awesome, and Pearl (Pearlescentmoon) are absolutely the three I'd say are my favourite and can give you a good scope of all that happens (and I don't want to spoil it but sooo much happens, it's my favourite season ever for a reason)

Also/otherwise you can watch Season 10, which started really recently and is going now :) Bdubs, Etho, Zedaph and Grian are the 4 I'd recommend watching for this season! But Tango has some interesting things going on too

AND!!! Completely up to you this isn't forcing you to watch it if it isn't your thing, buuut the hermits are actually doing a really fun collaborative charity livestream led by Scar starting 11am EDT/4pm BST today (a huge event for all of them and the last one was such a success and such fun to watch I can't help but recommend this one <3)

Here's the official rough guide to the time schedule posted by Joe, one of the hermits if you're at all interested or just want to lurk and see the activities

Anyway have a great night (morning?) and I hope you get enough rest soon!

[afreakingdork]

Hello there!! I hope you’re well!

I was just wondering.. How did you keep your motivation + inspiration for Weak Spot?

Do you have plan out every week what you’d like to cover? Do you suffer with any writer block?

Sorry for the weird questions! Was just wondering how it all worked for you!

Not weird at all, thank you for writing in!

I've got a terrible headache, but the Halloween spirit is keeping me going! ✨

How do I keep motivation/inspiration up for Weak Spot? I am obsessed with Donnie, short and simple. My hyperfixation on him is fueling this romance wholeheartedly. There is no such thing as motivation as I have to do this against my will. As such, inspiration is overflowing and constant. As if possessed, I have to write to get all of these thoughts out of my head.

I have things planned out in stages, which I will reveal now:

The master outline is planned all the way through the end of the fic. it contains all my notes or what chapters to cover and his blank spaces to be filled when necessary. I refused to even start Weak Spot until I figured out all the backstory and where I wanted the story to go.

From there, what order these chapters come in and how to fill in those empty spots was planned in spurts, almost exclusively in those arcs I mentioned. I would usually decide those for about 10 at a time, obviously before those 10 were about to approach.

Before July, my job as home health allowed me most daylight hours to write whenever I wanted so I posted the same. In July though, I got a new WFH job that I do on top of home health so sustaining that was not feasible for my sanity. The issue was, I wanted to write as much as I could at the expense of my sleep schedule. Hence the weekly guideline. Now I am not allowed to exceed it. I still have mania as my weekends are free for it so I have a few buffer chapters written out, but I also want to keep it that way. Through chapter 43 is written at the time of me answering this ask (and up to 40 has been posted).

My schedule now is thus: I can write the next chapter from Saturday until Tuesday if it runs that far over (I still have a social life somehow). Then from whenever that is done until Thursday I must finishing editing the last week's chapter (which has been given to my betas and they've had time to do the same). On Thursday, I post the WIP to tumblr for that next day's chapter and I've been pretty consistent in posting the chapter on Friday (though technically I'm allowed to do it any weekend day).

Do I suffer from writer's block? Sure, in small instances. I can get stuck on how a scene is supposed to go. I'll know the A & B, but not how to get there. I usually pedal it out to others as you've seen in prior tags that I'll mention if someone helped me break through where I was stuck. For example, chapter 9 I knew was going to be the 'first kiss' chapter, but I couldn't for the life of me come up with a good location for that to happen. I needed something where they'd have the space and probably cause to smooch but had to ask around for date ideas on what could facilitate that. @morning-sun-brah came in with the clutch! Thus, I was unstuck. Similarly @mothmans-left-tit has saved me multiple times not for writer's block exactly but when I get a little to hard on myself and feel like I'm not representing what I want out of Weak Spot and they get me on track every single time. This isn't a pressure thing either, just to be clear. i don't expect others to dig me out of my hole. At the end of the day, I'm the creative and sometimes you just have to wait for that inspiration to strike you.

I hope that helped! If you or anyone has anymore questions about whatever, feel free~

[kreeperslash]

Journal Pt.11

Monday was just another plain day here in Mexico I went out to renew my electoral voter card (which basically will be acting as my main ID so I don't need to lug around my passport with me). Went to look at some fridges and AC units for my room mostly focused on their sizes, price, etc, keep tabs on if they do delivery to my home or not and whether they do basic or full installation. Afterwards to the central zone to get some other stuff I'm missing like bug bite cream for my 50 plus bites on my legs, arms, and mostly feet. A belt since I've lost a lot of weight living in Australia 160lb to 135lb. Some sweat garbs to have on me when I go out and don't need to use my clothes or arms to wipe it off and Multivitamins for just general needing them. So that took most of my morning to afternoon in which I got some menudo for lunch. Been a long time since I ate this stuff I only eat the belly and never the feet so I asked to omit that part. Despite the crummy, smelly, bad air quality, and other conditions I don't wanna bag against my home city the food and people will always be great. Went to visit my uncle and cousins at the shop they own in the city and just explain what I've been doing and what I hope we can get done while I'm here they are great and I love my mom's brother he is a great guy as well as his kids, afterwards got some bread for my grandmother to eat and some produce she wanted me to grab for her. Took the taxi bag home but so weird how they are always so full but lucky to manage to snag one with one seat left. Still got a lot left to buy but little by little I'll figure out where everything is.

Talking to C bit by bit but since the end of the day basically means she is waking up or whatever and my day ends since currently I'm so exhausted from the day. I try to stay up as long as I can before sleep grips me and try to talk to them as long as I can. Sleeping at 10 Pm is weird I don't know if it's my weird sleep schedule fuck up or if me being pressured to actively be doing something for myself is making me sleep early and wake up early never consistently been waking up at 5 Am before. I'll bring it up with my therapist or psychiatrist when the time comes to get some mental help. Until next time adios.

[messofmoss]

saturday, june 22, 2024

8:31am

i just slept for 11 hours. i got home from work and basically just passed out. my phone is half dead. my whole body hurts. i had a whole handprint on my arm when i woke up lol

there were many times my mind was racing yesterday and i wanted to write here but i was working and couldn't. i feel like writing it down helps a bit because instead of rattling around in my brain, it's pouring out here. like a bit of release and relief.

my head hurts. it hurt a lot yesterday too. i forgot to take my pills. i haven't missed a day in awhile. i was missing a refill and i was going to take them when i got the missing part but forgot about it.

i feel shitty. i don't want to go to work today. or do anything really. slept 11 hours and i just want to go back to sleep. sleep 11 more hours. i hate work. i don't want to go. i don't want to be around humans. i just want to be in my dark cave with my cats and my kindle and my pillow. i didn't even get to enjoy my days off because it was too hot to exist.

i feel like crying right now. i don't want to go so bad. i can't just call out every weekend though. ugh

10:19am

i sent her a minute of voice messages and all she says back is "okayyy" an hour later. really nothing to say at all??? why do i even bother

5:15pm

teary in the car again. i think julia is mad at me for calling her a hater. i was only teasing.

as SOON as she opened my last voice message, she started typing and said she was going to bed. she hadn't even listened to half of it yet. that voice was my attempt to change the subject. i said "i'm going to try to befriend the new girl at work tonight" the one i had told her might be a lesbian. idk i'm just so sad.

lilly told me to back off her and see if she reaches out to me first. i feel like she won't because last night i fell asleep and forgot to send her good morning message and when i woke up, she had read my last message and just... didn't say anything to me.

8:40pm

i can't enjoy my free time because i made a plan and that plan isn't until monday morning but like it takes away future planned free time before work and now i'll have to be out doing something and now i am just in a perpetual state of anxiety waiting for that thing. and it's like when you have a dentist appt at like 2pm so you can't enjoy your morning because you're just waiting for the appointment. i hate transition periods. i used to tell brogan to not tell me if he had to leave in like 10 or 20 minutes or whatever because then i wouldn't be able to enjoy that time anymore because it would feel like we are in a transition phase and it just makes me stupid anxious. the plan for monday is to go to clifton park at 8am to pick up thomas from the mechanic and hang with him til i have to work. i just hate making plans in general. i hate weekends because i have to work. i hate feeling trapped. work schedule makes me feel trapped. making plans makes me feel trapped.

also i have acid reflux/heartburn whatever for the first time in aaaaages and i hate it so much. i think it's because i've had pan pizza two days in a row at work. i need to get back to my diet. i feel like shit. i look like shit. i am shit. i look at my reflection and i don't even recognize my face anymore. like who the fuck is that? why do i look like that?

[keefwho]

March 28 - 2024 Thursday

11:01pm

6/10

This morning I cleaned the center area of my desk and wiped everything down. I also cleaned the top of the microwave and hotplate real good. For breakfast I made a grilled cheese out of the loaf's end pieces and some bean soup. Already I had not planned for today to have a normal schedule. I worked on AE's avatar for about 45 minutes in call with one of BR's friends. Then I went down to the store for some water, coke, and drinks for the weekend. I briefly met the mechanic that works in the shop next door to the store and I was trying to make conversation with the cashier and my mom. The cashier is a girl about a year younger than me and mom told me she plays DnD in Seeley every Saturday and that she lives down here. I don't know about anyone else around my age in the area so that was interesting to find out. When I got back home I worked on the avatar for another hour before lunch. I got most of it done and am going to try to finish tomorrow. I also saw that BD was in VR so I hopped in to chat with her in desktop and we had a nice little conversation.

Lunch was stir fry using these green beans and red potatoes in garlic sauce. It was good but too much food, I was stuffed and had snacked on salt and vinegar chips an hour before. I also got a headache for some reason and blew off my work for the rest of the day. I spent my afternoon watching someone stream challenged in various Mario games while I let my body settle. At some point I took a desk nap with my eye resting on my wrist. Then I played some Stardew on the side and waited for TK to be free since we planned to hang out. When she was about to get in VR, I got on and found a very pleasant jigsaw puzzle world that lets you use custom images. BD also joined us and her guy friend and we did the puzzle in about 40 minutes. TK was talking about her trip to see her family the past week and then her friends joined. BD left to join others so I chatted with TK for a little before joining those other friends. Those people were interesting, it was a few furries chilling in a hot tub and it was a decent time. They were pretty welcoming and liked what I did to achieve my otter model. I felt very out of place though because everyone was part of a couple besides me, I was the only one sitting alone. I don't think it's something I would have cared about if it wasn't so visually obvious and downright comedic. GT joined and left pretty quick, he was high. I got off to eat dinner and get ready for bed.

~~~

Today was about presence so I tried to catch myself when I was either thinking about the past or predicting the future. My go to method to disengage was to intently focus on whatever sounds I was currently hearing and that worked pretty well.

I was thinking about love again today and how like my friend, I also tend to question if I'm worthy of being loved or if I'll ever find what I'm looking for. It's easy to think the outlook isn't good. I've been close to dating but never really "dated" and I'm 27 years old. It feels downright pathetic sometimes. I feel like I've lagged behind and simply cannot fit with anyone anymore unless they've also lagged behind which must be extremely rare. I'm very tempted to push all these feelings down and resign myself to being single for the rest of my life again. But thats not what I want, I'd be miserable if I did that. Thats part of why I've BEEN miserable, denying how much I want to love and be loved. Another thing I've noticed is how no one has ever seemed to be as dedicated and obsessed with me as I have been with anyone. I dream about how good it'll feel someday for someone to be crazy about me for once. But then I think, what is there to be crazy about? At least right now, I'm a shell of a person. I can't blame anyone for not wanting to invest in that.

[indigo474]

31:00~~2/10/24~~

I ran my 2nd 5 k today and managed to run 3 minutes and 26 seconds faster than last time.. l'm not even sure how that is possible.. it must be the hills. i am so proud of myself and again amazed. a tiny tiny voice tells me i could have done better.. maybe... Madison came wiht me for support. I saw people there alone so next time I wont bother her to come with me, unless she wants to of course. I wish i had someone to celebrate with. i'm thankful for Maddy.. I'm thankful for a lot but still wish i had someone. i thought a lot today about how my divorce was/is the single best thing that has ever happened to me. I thought about how i hate hate hate how people say ohh sorry for your divorce. I thought about how it would have been a shame for me to not be the person i am today and how much i have learned and grown and healed. i thought about how i wish i had left sooner .. i dont let myself go too fr down that trail. I left and thats all that matters.. all these great things. Me- i dont know if i will ever be use to this life and these feelings of happiness.. when i laugh, i laugh.. joy. i did not have that or feel that for a lot of years and the last thing i wanted was to really feel anything because none of it was any good and now.. now.. peace. Peace.. and love. Madison is sweet to me. she knows i eat an apple a day and when she shops she has been making sure to buy apples. when we lived in our apartment she would always make sure to leave the outside light on for me.. i hate walking up to a dark house.. ptsd from Chatham. If he turned the automatic light off i knew i was in trouble. sooo.. i guess i'll keep running..

I am not a game player. Its just not my natural state. Pam has issue. Deep seeded trauma from her childhood.. its so obvious to me. the way she talks and her need to be liked and seen as cool and the way she tries to manipulate the people around her. She's smart but not intelligent. So, whatever.. i'm not friends with any of them.. there's one supervisor i kind of like, she was my first supervisor when i started.. and she is weird. None of it matters. I'm working from home tomorrow. I didnt get nearly enough sleep last night. I didnt want to get out of bed this morning. i tried to be nice to my Mom this week, i was being kind and supportive and she can not accept love because she does not love herself . she hates herself and doesnt think she deserves kindness or love and that is not my problem. do i love myself enough to be able to receive love?

I spoke to my manager in regards to the very important meeting she missed. She claims to have wanted to be there but it was thrown together last minute and she was not made aware of the time. Drew was in charge of the timing. Drew is always in charge of the meeting times and he sucks at it. I pretty much said that to her but in a professional way. its taken a year but his scheduling skills infuriate me. people pretty much do what benefits them. Drew has a attitude about people leaving work at 5.. he feels we should all stay later. He is late to work everyday and it benefits him to stay later so misses the rush hour traffic. ive stayed late in the past to accommodate him. I'm not doing that anymore. I get to work early almost every day. I am not staying later than i have to. I feel like he doesnt value other peoples time. he's called me 2 x in 2 days while i wasn't work.. he called me today while i was in walmart talking nonsense.. i got a new rep who is a total idiot. he never should have made it out of training and Drew is acting like he's been on team for a long time and what am i going to do about him. He's been on my team for less than 20 hrs- he was on Drew's team for 90+ days- how and why did this guy become my problem when he has been a problem all along.

I'm going to read the Bhagavad Gita- maybe finish it. I have been sleeping a little too good.. through the night good. the funny thing about work is none of it matters.. we can all be replaced tomorrow and that place would still go on. I shouldn't let it stress me out. i woke up with my period today. silence is beautiful. You're doing a great job April.. keep going! Good night

.

[lifeafteratransplant]

Health Anxiety & Trying to Get Into a Routine

Life, is hard. No doubt about it, and having a crazy, stressful schedule is not making it any easier, obviously.

No I don't have kids, but I have a husband, two animals, and myself. Lab/blood draw appointments every Monday, grocery shopping, taking my photography classes, taking my dog to vet for whatever reason, taking him to the groomers, making sure I visit with my mom, and talk to my family back in Iowa, it all comes down on me, and yeah it might not seem as hard as raising a kid, but it is hard for me.

I am double organ transplant recipatant. Which means that I have health anxiety through the roof sometimes. I have to check my blood levels every week just tp make sure I am ok. I hope that it isn't like that forever but I have been through 3 rejections in the 2 years since I had my transplant. Every time was terrifying. This last time was the scariest thought, cause it wasn't just my pancreas it was my kidney too. The thought of loosing my kidney made me sob, and my heart jump out of my chest. My pancreas has been touchy since the get-go. If I loose that I would become diabetic again, which I can handle. Loosing my kidney would me I would have to go back on dialysis and for me that isn't an option. They have used the strongest rejection drugs on me as the possibly can, 3 times now. Meaning that I cannot take them again. Imagine that in the back of your head 24/7, not fun.

This anxiety that I carry makes it hard to make plans, be in public, affects relationships, and causes deep depression and loneliness. I live in a state where this not a lot to do. With my multiple rejections, I haven't been able to hold a job, So basically I am a stay home wife, and that is not something I thought I would ever be. I'm not saying that is bad by any means, but I NEED to have a job to feel like I am contributing to society some how. It becomes very lonely and I fall into a state of depression where it is hard to get out of sometimes.

That is where the second half of the title of this blog post comes in. Trying to have a routine is so important. You have better sleep, which helps your mood, and you energy levels, which helps you get done that shit that needs to get done. I wake up about 8:30-9 every morning, and as of recently try to have breakfast. Whether it be a smoothie, toast and fruit, eggs and bacon. Something in my stomach always helps. Also I take a lot of meds so that is important to have food in your system when taking those. From there, I usually get on the computer check my emails, scroll Facebook, and then look at what I need to do around the house. I am ALWAYS cleaning it seems, I have two pets, both who shed like crazzzzy! Vacuuming every day or every other day is a must, and moping at least once a week. I cooke a lot so constantly loading and unloading the dishwasher, and cleaning the stove and counter tops. The list goes on. After the cleaning is done, I watch my photography courses, do some laundry, make myself lunch, and as of recently I had to put together a whole list of documents for my husband's immigration lawyer so he can get his 10 year green card. Some days I run into town to run errands, like doctor's appointments, grocery shopping, pick up medications, and as of recently furniture shopping. (I'll explain that in another post) I find that just having a list of things to do and crossing them off really helps me.

Everyone's life is different, so that means every routine will look different. Don't model your life after someone else's, you do what works best for you and your schedule. Know your limits, take the time to rest and take care of yourself and life will start to get, maybe not easier, but let's say peaceful. Find solitude and happiness in the little things, and don't take yourself so seriously. Always take care of YOU first, then you can give your best self to the ones you love.

Much love,

Karli

[sluntch]

My Health Journey - A Writing Experiment - Day 3

Welcome back gang. Today's post is gonna be a bit shorter and probably more stream of consciousness as it's later, I spent 3-7 AM in the emergency room, and I'm high. I'll most likely save the specifics and stuff for later entries in this "journal", or whatever I'm calling it, though some may slip in during the natural projection of what I'm about to ramble on about. Thanks for showing up again, should you have read the previous two entries, and thanks for showing up for the first time if you've not been to this toilet blog before. See what's up under the cut.

So last time, I detailed some of my holdover issues from college and into the specific diet that I chose to use during my time attempting to lose weight. As a reminder, it's the one that works for me - Caloric deficit. I simply eat fewer calories than I expend during a day and then I lose weight. What I've found through this eating style is that I very much like planning out the menus of food that I eat during the week and that I very much like tracking numbers and seeing data points related to things that I'm doing. In particular, watching my weight graph over the course of the year has been particularly gratifying. Planning my meals out also allowed me to get into a routine, something that I could repeat each day. Data, planning, and routine. These are three things that no one who knew me in my college and early professional life would ever associate with me as a person. I was a guy who wouldn't even make a list to go to the store. I would simply walk into Giant Eagle and improvise until my cart was full of some necessities for the week but also just a ton of junk and snacks and other nonsense that I didn't need. As a middle child and only son who wasn't as put-together (in my own personal views on myself) as his type-A, organized, and successful sisters, I kind of just fell into the role of the "slacker who makes it through on pure bullshit and vibes" and assumed that's where I'd be for my life. Turns out, most surprisingly to me, that I love being organized, I love having a schedule, and I love having routines. Learning how to bring this kind of structure into my life allowed me to balance my days so that I wasn't tempted to binge eat food and I was able to provide a much more concrete answer to the question that always stuck at the back of my mind but I never chose to answer seriously in the moment - Am I hungry or am I bored?

If I were to write a book about this, that'd probably be what it'd be called. Now that I'm thinking about it, that should most likely have been the title of this project. I may retroactively go back and change it. We'll see.

My daily schedule and routine eventually boiled down to a few things after I had tried out some different combinations. The target time is when I do the task and any other time is up for grabs and mostly revolved around when I would eat during the day so that I could have concrete points where I'd be eating.

6 AM (or thereabouts) - Wake up

7 AM - Workout

8 AM - Breakfast and medications

10 AM - Morning snack, should I be hungry for one (usually a piece of fruit or something)

12 PM - Lunch

3 PM - Afternoon snack (usually something salty or veggie)

6 PM - Dinner

7 PM - Evening tea and dessert

10 PM - Get ready for bed

With my days structured in this specific way, I could mete out times when I would eat and times were I would do other things, such as focusing more on my work or my hobbies, and daily tasks that would distract me from (over)eating. I have two snacking styles - grazing and bulk. When I graze, I walk through the kitchen and have a spoonful or handful of something that is within reach. When I bulk, I get a large portion (abnormally large like a full cereal bowl of goldfish) of something and just pound it. The latter has been mitigated a lot as of late by me making my own healthy snacks and measuring out portions ahead of time. Grazing is something that I still struggle with daily, It's just so easy to grab a spoonful of the burrito bowls I made for dinner last night and then I end up doing that like eight times. Might as well have just had a bowl of it at a certain point. I feel guilty and bad when I do this even though I know that, in the grand scheme, it doesn't really matter all that much but I still wish that I was able to have more self control. Though I suppose there's always something to work on, right?

Making my own snacks has been, I believe, the most significant thing I've done to help with the "snacking issue". I discovered that all I really wanted was the crunch - the satisfying crunch of a crunchy snack. So I started with making my own popcorn. It was delicious. I then moved onto veggie-based snacks. I would slice up peppers or cucumber and have a sauce like Cholula or Buffalo Sauce on them. They were delicious. Then I started getting sugar snap peas. They were delicious. They were lower calorie, I could eat them in larger quantities, and they were crunchy. It was the ultimate combo that I had been craving. I was now eating more fruit and veggies and eating three square healthy meals a day. The routines and the efforts were beginning to pay off considerably.

That's where I'm gonna cut it now because I want to go sit on the couch with my wife and V I B E so that's what I'm gonna do. Next time, I'm going to get into the numbers. For real. Specifically the numbers regarding my caloric intake/output per day, potentially some of the workouts that I chose to do build into my routine, and my brush with danger regarding the process that almost put a brick through the whole venture. Thanks for sticking through this if you have. You are appreciated and I hope you return.

63 days to go.

[baereaved]

i talk a lot about the many fuckin... brain issues i have, because there are way too many and i like venting, but i don’t talk a lot about non-24, but lemme tell you: it fucking sucks. why does my brain love to destroy every possible thing that could ever make me seem like a normal person. why

[equallyshaw]

the medicated series: cale makar.

Pt 7. masterlist of cale's series:

Warnings: angst. swearing. best friends betrayal.

Word Count: 3.6k +

Original Character: Eliza Nicole James, 23 years old. Brunette Hair, Blue Eyes, short and curvy.

Third POV:

Time Skip, 2 months. May: playoffs.

Eliza woke up in a bit of a fog, she felt the bed next to her and it was empty. Ofcourse. He was on the road playing the Edmonton Oilers and so he wasn't there. Eliza smiled, before laying back down and focused on her breathing. Sometimes when she felt any fog or dizziness she would focus on her breath to bring her back 'down.' If that made any sense. While doing so she thought about the last two months working with the team, being with Cale and her health. After a successful year of being on a medication, it stopped working so she switched to a pill biological and found immediate success in it. It was one of those that you saw on tv, and was amazed by how her body took to it. Cale noticed a huge different in how she presented herself, the energy she had and the way she went on with her life. She was thriving not only with her health, but at her new position as well. Within a month, she had 2 events focusing on kids at risk that did not have the oppurtunity to play hockey and another where they raised money for Red Cross Heart Foundation. The team responded well to those and as of right now, she was focusing on the next season as the playoffs took up everybodies time and energy. Thus playing 2 extra games within 1. She also thought abou sweet sweet Cale, and how he had taken to her. How he was patient, forgiving, understanding and above all else, amazing. She was becoming more and more independant, and for the first time in years she felt somewhat more 'normal', Whatever normal was.

And Cale loved it all, he found her incredibly beautiful and strong as hell as each day she got somewhat better or atleast felt better. Even though she may feel better, the disease ofcourse is still wrecking havoc on her body, unfortunatly. He loved how much she was thriving in her world, and enjoyed watching her grow the outreach program. He loved it all. He loved the slow mornings of them 2, stretching and waking up with glasses of coffee. He loved the spontunity that she exhibited now, spur of the moment waffle dates at a nearby diner or regulary scheduled brunches on Saturday or Sunday if his schedule permitted it. He loved how she could get lost in a book for hours, only taking breaks for more expresso or to watch tiktoks. She even began to take daily walks or worked out every other day with walks, that now spanned a mile or 2 suprising the hell out of her. Cale felt himself falling more in love with the girl that was beginning to blossom. She felt it too, she felt that the world was finally throwing her a bone. She had never felt so sure of herself, and Cale added to that everyday.

Eliza got up from the bed and walked into her bathroom to get ready for the day, brushing her teeth and trying to tame her wavy curly hair was the priority. She finished up, and walked into the kitchen seeing Becca in the kitchen on her phone. "Good morning sunshine." Eliza breathed catching a glint of a small smile forming on her best friend's face. "Hi.' Becca mused, looking up and locking her phone. "SO. What is on your agenda for the day?" Becca asked and Eliza shrugged, not knowing. Her weekends consisted (usually) of whatever her body wanted to do, never forcing or trying to make big inconvienant plans. She liked having plans, but she prepared for those. "I don't know. Probably head out to grab some coffee in Five Points." Eliza responded throwing wheat toast in the toaster. "Why?" She quizzed her best friend, she turned around raising an eyebrow. "Just curious." Becca responded, leaving the room. Eliza shrugged, pulling out her phone and texting Cale a morning text. Well, he would of woken up at 6 instead of her 10 am. Cale responded back,

[Sweet Cheeks: I'll be back by 4 pm, missy. keep your schedule cleared.]

[Liza: kkay. should I dress up?]

[Sweet Cheeks: relaxed but nice.]

[Liza: Coolio, have a safe flight love. :)]

[Sweet Cheeks: Always xx]

Eliza turned around to butter her toast before heading into her room to get changed, so she could do a much needed coffee run.

It was later in the afternoon when Cale came to pick her up, but she wasn't having it. She could barely get out of bed without feeling dizzy and spacey, something that shouldn't be physically painful but it was for her. Something not as common with autoimmune diseases it dizziness and spacey-ness which meant that you were confided to bed or the couch. It can fuck up your whole day because you can't focus on anyhting or anybody. It's incredibly frustrating because it leaves you disabled, even more so than usual. Eliza laid in bed, falling in and out of a nap. She had been setting alarms to get up so she could be ready when he came, but it wasn't working. Her rest was not working, so she kept snoozing. This was the first time since they first started dating where she was having a flare up. Her medication had been a miracle and had begun to chang her life for the better. Yet, today was just a bad day. Tomorrow, would hopefully be better.

Becca let Cale in, and Cale knew as soon as Eliza didn't respond to his texts that she wasn't having a good time. Becca gave him a small smile, "She's in bed. She hasn't gotten out of bed since she left to get coffee." She stated and he nodded, taking off his shoes before heading down the hall. He slowly opened the door to her white box fan on the highest setting, drowning out the world. He saw the dark haired girl sleeping soundly. She looked at peace, something she hadn't felt all day. He stepped in, shutting the door and turned to walk towards the bed when the alarm went off. She profusely tapped her phone trying to turn it off, she sat up and groaned. He could see it on her face, that she was having a shit time. She still hadn't opened her eyes so she didn't know Cale was there. She sighed, trying to get out of bed before she almost being knocked down from her dizziness. Cale dashed over, clutching her to make sure she didn't fall. She opened her eyes, looking towards the figure who had took ahold of her. Her eyes went wide, before frantically trying to get out of his touch to get ready. "Im so sorry, im not ready!" She exclaimed, releasing herself from his grip. She moved swiftly towards the dresser before clutching it so tightly, her knuckles turned white. "Hey, hey. It's ok." He said, hearing her begin to cry. She leaned back into his embrace and cried softly. "Im sorry Cale, I've been trying all day." She declared and he shook his head, "You didn't do anything wrong. There's nothing to apologize for." He said softly, trying not to disturb the girl that much. From what he had read and spoken with Becca, is that being as quiet as possible helped her to pass the spaceness and dizziness. It also helped her to focus on what was in front of her, too much noise or movement didn't help.

"Let's go back to bed." He murmured, walking the girl back to bed. She gratefully laid back down and pulled her comforter up. He kissed her head, promising to be back with some snacks and her coffee she had left in the fridge. He walked out leaving the girl, as she rested her eyes again. "Yeah, she's out of it." He explained to Becca who nodded. "Im glad she has you, Cale. It's not easy seeing her miserable. Im glad that she's comfortable enough to be vulnerable around you. It's a testemant to your character." She hummed in gratitude. "Thanks Becca. That reassures me, that I am in fact not overbearing." He said thankfully and she nodded. "Im gonna head out and meet up with a friend. I'll be back- later." She said nervously before stepping out. Almost like she was keeping a secret. Which she was. So was one of his teammates.

Cale softly knocked, alerting Eliza that he was back. He stepped in, shutting the door and setting the coffee on her nightstand along with her cherished pringles. Cale opened one of her dresser drawer and pulled out a tshirt and sweatpants he had left over here for her. She playfully demanded something of his, and he happily obliged. "You are exhausted honey." He stated and she nodded, as he hopped in bed. "Yeah." She mused sipping her coffee. "I think I overexurted myself yesterday at work. Which now leaves me bedridden." She said as he wrapped his arm around her, and she cuddled into him. He nodded, kissing her forehead. "Its okay Eliza, more than okay. Im not gonna lie, I much prefer a relaxing evening with the playoffs." He mused, trying to comfort her. She nodded, "You did a great job yesterday hun. Im proud of you." She said smiling up at him. He looked down at her and went in to kiss the girl. She smiled even more into the kiss, laying a soft hand on his ever red cheek. She pulled apart, as soon as she felt a jolt in her head. A somewhat dull headache was beginning to form. He could see her visibly cringing and reached into the nightstand next to her to grab a tylenol. "Hmm." She muttered taking it and grabbing her coffee. "I haven't had any all day, ive been too lazy to get it myself and didnt want to bother Becca who was freaking about something tonight. She couldn't stand in one spot for too long." The girl explained, and Cale thought about Nathan. "Nate was acting weird too. None of the guys could figure it out." Cale said casually, and Eliza whipped her head around to look at Cale. His hazel eyes met her blue ones, with curiosity. "You don't think?" he questioned and she profusely shook her had, "Hell no. Not after what he said about me." and he nodded. "He's been weird with me recently, like always trying to talk to me, help me out or let me know he was around if I needed anything." She muttered with confusion, which Cale took notice of. "It's like he kinda gets how somebody would help me or anybody with arthritis." She said before rubbing her hand softly on Cale's arm. "Anywho, I'm seeing Martha tomorrow." she smiled. "You are?" He questioned as she began to perk up a bit. Eliza nodded, "Yeah, her mom is gonna have brunch with us." which Cale took a bit of jealousy too. "Ugh, how dare you not invite me?" He playfully sassed and Eliza giggled. "Oh fine, you may come." She mused, sticking her tongue out. "The guilty invite, ok." He said mischeavously and she grinned. They stared at eachother for a few seconds, because ELiza looked away blushing. Cale smiled, "I love you." He exclaimed for the first time in there relationship. Shore, they both said it playfully and in passing but never with such emotion. Eliza looked down at her comforter for a few seconds before looking up at Cale and meeting his gaze. She smiled widely back, "I love you too Cale." She connected there lips, with force and passion.

•─────⋅☾ ☽⋅─────•

Later the next day, Cale and Eliza were walking back to her and Becca's apartment after brunch. They walked out of the elevator seeing the one person Eliza never would have expected to see in her building. Nathan fucking MacKinnon. Becca and Eliza made eye contact as the two were in the doorway. Becca called out for Eliza, as ELiza walked back into the elevator. It closed before Cale could react and walk back in. "What the hell man?" Cale threw at Nate as he continued to press the down button. Nate rushed over trying to explain himself but Cale wasn't taking any of it. "No, I don't want to talk to you and nor does Eliza. That's for sure." Cale boomed towards the two as he turned to take the stairs. Eliza had made it to the garage and sat down at the long stool they had near the elevator. She shut her eyes as she felt tears pool out, clutching her hands to her face. She felt betrayed, her best friend had been seeing the one dude she didn't like. Who commented on her health with no right, and had no idea about her and who she was a person. Cale reached the bottom floor, and Eliza looked up as he neared her. She saw the heavy breathing that he developed and pulled him into a hug. "Please, just take me back to your place. I can't see her right now." and with that they were off.

Becca and Nate bombarded the two's phone throughout the evening, and Eliza knew she had to go home. She knew she had to get ready for tomorrow and relax until she went to bed. "You ready to go back?" Cale asked after they finished eating dinner and Eliza nodded, grudgely. He took ahold of her hand and they walked out of the highrise and made there way down to the parking garage.

Back at the apartment, Becca is on the phone with Nate and they are trying to sort out what happened and what they wanted to do moving forward. "I just don't want to hurt her, and I knew I should of said something after our first date." Becca rambled as she paced back and fourth. The two had met right after Eliza had started working with the team, and she didn't realize that Nate was the Nate that said things about her. "Maybe she'll come around?" Nate asked optomisticallly but Becca shook her head. "She doesn't like you Nate, you know that right?" She said more as a statement and not as a question. Nate knew but he was hoping she was beginning to soften with him. He thought he had been doing the right things, offering her help when she needed it or infact helping her carry things to and from her car. Becca when they first met, and had realized who Nate was was conflicted. She straight up told him she didn't want a relationship but neither of the two could stay away from one another. And thus, Becca told Nate off about the situation and told him some surface information about Eliza. How long she has had it, what she has done to help it. She's done so much behind the scenes, and that made the comments so much more worse. Nate had realized his mistake, and was hoping for a moment alone with Eliza to apologize- again. Hoping, she would accept it. Nate and Becca cared deeply around one another, and hoped she and Cale would come around. In due time, ofcourse.

Eliza unlocked the door, shutting it behind her. She had told Cale, that she would be more than ok to go up by herself. He protested but accepted her wishes and he drove off into the night. Eliza heard Becca crying in her room, but for once, she woudldn't run to her and try to fix things. Eliza was always the one with everybody in her life, trying to 'fix' things first or the one to apologize first. This time around, she truly did nothing wrong. So it was not her job to mend things, Becca would need to come to her. It hurt her no doubt, but she wanted to stay strong to prove a point. Eliza walked into her washroom, washing the day off from her face and threw her hair up in a pineapple. She'd wash it in the morning, and let it air dry. After finishing her skincare routine she returned to her bedroom, and got her pj's on and her clothes ready for tomorrow. After making sure her room was set, she went to make her lunch for the next day. She was in the middle of making a california turkey sandwich when she heard Becca's door open and saw the man she didn't want to see. Rolling her eyes, she turned around to slip the sandwich and the ingredients into the fridge, before moving onto the pantry. She heard the footsteps stop near her and her suspicions were true when she turned around to Nate at the counter. She went on with her pretzels and cut up fruit, hoping he'd just leave. "It's not her fault." He stated and she froze, setting her knife on the counter and looked up to meet his gaze. She put on her family's resting bitch face, before closing her eyes. "What do you mean- not her fault? If I am correct, it takes two to tango dude." She huffed, finishing up her fruit cutting. "I mean, I am the one who pursued her after she said we couldn't date because she found out who I was and what I said." He clarified and Eliza nodded softly, turning back to the fridge to put her fruit in. She turned around and rested her hands on the counter before speaking, "Well she was right. I wouldn't want you two to date also. But here we are." She hissed. He nodded, "If you want to be mad at somebody, be mad at me. Becca didn't do anything wrong." Eliza cut him off, "Wait, but aren't you two dating? Seems like she did do something Nathan." She retailated and he nodded, trying to find the right words. "Now I understand why you've been offering to help me more or talk to me. I knew it was suspicious." She stated and he met her gaze. "Yeah, Becca told me some stuff. Nothing too in depth but enough for me to understand more. I even spoke to Cale-" He stopped as soon as her eyes widened. "I just asked him about you but I promise he had no idea. I swear." He said trying to calm her down.

"He just confirmed a few things for me, that's all. I promise. It gave me an idea of who you are. The real you. Not the one that I heard in passing. Becca showed me who you are, seperate from your arthritis. And I have never been so sorry in my life, I promise. I feel like an ass for saying something without the underlying information. I had no right to comment and was so out of place. You don't need to accept my apology but I know that if I didn't- I'd regret it for the rest of my life. It's not cool to violate the Disability Act of 1990." He explained and Eliza's head cocked to the side, "Let me remind Becca to stop talking." She grinned. Nate felt a sense of relief, maybe she was coming around. Slowly. "Well, you are correct. You did violate the Disability Act but can't technically sue you since I wasn't working with them at the time. But I swear to god, I will turn your world upside down if you ever say anything about me again or hurt Becca. They don't just say that my resting face could kill. Because it can." Eliza mused, giving a small smile. Nathan smiled back, rubbing the back of his neck. "Even though I just said all that, it'll take sometime to get used to the idea of you two being together and your apology. Even though I have dealt with pepople like you my whole life, it's hella different when you work with them and have associations with them. Y'know?" She explained and he nodded, grateful that she would hopefully come around. "Thankyou Eliza, that means so much. And again, I now don't underestimate your capabilites. Nor do I underestimate Becc's at all." He chuckled and Eliza joined in. "Yeah, she can give a beating." She retorted which caused Nate to laugh. "Yeah she tore me a few when she found out about what I said. Knocked me down a few pegs. Which, was totally needed and was very demoralizing." He quipped, causing Eliza to grin. "Well, im sure Cale can detest to that too. Becca gave him an earful one time about something mundane but to her, it was very important for him to know. Since it was about me but I took no offence. It was quite funny to see him with a deer in the headlights look." They both laughed at that, and Becca walked out. Becca was miserble, you could see it all over her face. She had puffy eyes, red cheeks and exhaustion plagued her eyes. She walked up next to Nate, and he wrapped an arm around her back.

Eliza didn't like this, but if Becca was happy- she'd learn to live with it. Becca looked towards Eliza, and to her surprise her best friend did not look away. "I love you B, but this will take sometime." Eliza said honestly, and the sad girl nodded. "Goodnight guys." Eliza mused before walking back into her bedroom. She shut the door, turned on her white box fan and hurried to get under the covers. She texted Cale goodnight, before making her alarm's and medications were ready for her the next morning. Maybe, she should give Nate a new slate. Yet, that would make her seem weak. He had to really work for it, which he began tonight. She sighed, turning over and shut her eyes.

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I hope you guys enjoyed! Please give this a like and reblog...also, only one more chapter left !

Tags: @pierrelucduboiis @fallinallincurls

[mercurygray]

Hi Merc! I’m a long time fan and I’m looking to get into more consistent creative endeavors. What keeps you going when you’re running low on creativity? Any tips for building something that lasts?

Gosh, nonnie, thank you for…being a fan! I answered a version of this question here, but I'll give an updated answer.

First things first. I have a regular sleep schedule, I try to eat pretty healthy, and I try to take a walk or a run every day and do some yoga. I have a fulltime job that allows me free time and means I am relatively free from worry about my rent or my food. (Do you take meds for something? Add that to your list.)

These are really basic things, but I think they're important - if you don't fill up the gas tank with the regular routine stuff, your engine is going to die on everything else.

Figure out when your primetime is. Mine is 5 am on Saturday mornings. @basilone is between 10 pm and 3 am at night. @shoshiwrites does best after 7 pm.

Allow yourself to be flexible. You might have a big project that you're working on, but keep a couple of little things around, too! I know I like bouncing around between a couple of different things, and I've found that really helpful over the last two years so I don't burn out on my one big project. On a related note - Start small. Manageable is commendable.

Deadlines or goals can be helpful in moderation. Mine are usually something like 'I will finish this chapter by date X' or 'I will finish one of these prompts today'. I personally don't like word counts as a goal, though I do use them as a signpost, only because sometimes I feel like the temptation is to just put down words, instead of making your words work for you. A little bit of structure is helpful to me - it may not be for you. Spend some time figuring out what works for you.

Give yourself grace and allow yourself to be silly. Not everything is going to be great. That's okay. It's all practice. You'll learn something all the time.

Sometimes writing…is not writing. Sometimes writing is reading. Reading is excellent practice for becoming a better writer, or just for keeping the mental oil changed. Sometimes writing is running. I took up running when the pandemic started because a) I needed more exercise and b) I wanted to get into Joan's head a little? but also c) That walking or running time was valuable to me because it gave my brain some blank space to brainstorm.

Get yourself a pit crew. THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT. I have found that I am more likely to be creative when I am around other creative people who like me and appreciate me, and whom I can encourage, nourish, and appreciate in turn. They don't just care about when my next chapter is coming. They value me as a person, and my mental health, too. My pit crew are folks who give me prompts, or send me pictures of kittens, or who ask about how i'm doing after I post something sad, and I try to return the favor as often as I can. I am very blessed to count a LOT of people on this site as part of my pit crew and I could be part of yours!.

Allow yourself rest. Remember that there are times when you will not be writing - or drawing, or knitting, or whatever other creative thing you're doing.

[spidxysense]

Back to You | 14

Summary: He broke your heart, but you’d always love him. Two souls that not even the universe could tear apart, even if you wanted it to at times.

Pairing: Tom Holland x Reader x Timothee Chalamet

A/N: Yay I updated! I hope you guys like this one, I was stuck for a bit there but once I sat down and got to typing, I really finished it in one sitting. I was just planning on updating it bit by bit lol. Let me know what you guys think, Love you!!!!!!

Word count: 2,591

Prologue | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14

In a few short months of your movie premier with Timothee, you were finally able to release your double-release album, and the response was massive, to say the least. You'd been getting calls from different show hosts' upcoming awarding ceremonies. Still, you couldn't for life in you accept, all except for the Oscars, which your manager told you was a must since you'd be attending in the first place anyway and that performing at the Oscars was a big deal given that you also starred in films and shows.

You turned in bed, facing Timothee's sleeping face. He had been in town for a week now, back on a break from filming in Hungary. Then he'd be back to film in England in a couple of weeks. After your talk on your premiere night, it was to an agreement that whatever you had going on was just two people exploring and experiencing things with someone they had strong feelings for. There wasn't a need for a media circus to cover anything about you two except your movie.

You move his arm, placed it over your waist, and sit up slowly in bed, making sure not to stir Timothee. The jetlag must be shit. You stretched your arms in front of you, glancing at the clock that read 2:07 AM. You get up, grabbing Timothee's white shirt from the floor, and, putting it on, walking over to the bathroom. You looked at yourself in the mirror, touching some of the reddening parts of your neck courtesy of Timothee, and then you notice the toothbrushes… there were two. From this single thing alone, it had you catching everything about the bathroom, how there were two towels, one black, and one violet, which just so happened to be your favorite color.

You walked over to the nightstand beside the bed, putting on your skinny jeans, turning on the lamp, and noticing his wallet. Inside was a picture of you. Opening the closet doors, the ones hung up were various suits, jackets, and even dresses you've worn to events. Why didn't he just send these back? Why would he let you keep your stuff in his house?

You drag your feet downstairs, noticing small details you'd been blind to before, like the large dog bed positioned by the door despite Timothee telling you he could only ever get himself to take care of a tiny dog. You noticed the colored mugs and bowls, a deep dull navy blue color, the same as the ones in your house. Suddenly, everything feels as if it's moving too fast. You both agreed there was no relationship, and there was attraction, but why does his home feel like it's become yours as well?

You sit down, taking a few deep breaths before deciding to stand up and grab your cardigan from the coathanger, opening the front door and closing it behind you as you waited for a taxi to bring you to the more active part of the city at night.

You just couldn't deal with a relationship right now. You couldn't let your heart get broken again, so you have to find ways to distract yourself.

The car stops in front of you, driving off into the night and dropping you off by a club that Troye agreed to meet you at.

You and Timothee had an attraction, but you both agreed there was no label; ergo, there was no intimate relationship even though you both have done everything together. No boyfriend means you were free to do whatever you wanted without worrying about him. But if you were honest with yourself, this was more of you suggesting something you already knew Timothee wasn't too keen on agreeing with but would just because he thought that having something with you was better than absolutely nothing. You saw Troye waiting out by the back entrance for you when he spotted you and called you over. Almost like clockwork, every time you snuck out away from Timothee, everything in you screamed to turn back, to clear your head, and for the first time, you listened.

You motioned for Troye to go ahead and sent him a text that you'd probably just head home because you weren't feeling well. He gave you a knowing look before looking like he finally approved of your actions and sent you a quick and short 'Good." text, and headed inside.

You walked around for a while after that. Soon it was already just about 5 in the morning, and even though you wouldn't let yourself come to any conclusion as to what you even wanted out of this almost relationship with Timothee, you still found yourself back at his front door.

You took out the keys in your pocket, slowly opening the door only to find Timothee sat on the couch, his knees up to his chest as he stared off into space, either deep in thought or trying to keep himself awake… maybe even both.

When he saw you enter, a soft smile formed on his face, and for some reason, that made you smile too.

"Hey, you." He spoke softly.

You sat down quietly next to him, instantly he set his feet on the ground and reached over to embrace you in a hug, the familiar scent of Timothee that never left you that evening even more evident… It felt and smelled familiar, and right now, while your mind was a mess, familiarity was what you needed.

Timothee lifted his head, worried, "Hey, are you alright?"

You sighed, "I don't want to hurt you."

He murmured quietly into your neck as he peppered kisses, "You could never."

You pulled away, feeling guilt in your bones, "Aren't you even a little bit frustrated that we've been like this for months? That even in private, we can't even say that we're in a relationship?"

You gave you a reassuring look, "We both wanted this Y/N."

You sat up, "Except we didn't… You didn't." You corrected yourself, "You're bringing your mother to the fucking Oscars next month because I told you we couldn't be seen together at carpets for Pete's sake."

You stood up, starting to pace back and forth, "We have to coordinate outfits for the sake of not matching, and we never go out because I can't be seen with you in fear that we're going to get found out. I'm a terrible fucking person, and I don't understand how you're so okay with this."

Timothee was grinning, sleep still in his eyes, "I'm okay with it because I love you, Y/N."

You froze in your spot, "You what?"

He nodded and got up, walking over to you. The blue light of the early morning peaking through the curtain made this moment feel and look ethereal, "I said I love you, Y/N. I've known that I loved you from the moment I met you." He kissed the top of your head as he embraced you.

You shook your head, "No, no, no, you don't. I'll even list more shit I've done to you just so you understand how and why you don't love me."

Timothee chuckled, "And yet despite all this... all that's registering in my head is the fact that you've been thinking of me and only me this whole time. You've been worried about how you're hurting me because you don't want to."

And that's when you realized that Timothee was right. This whole time you've been thinking of Timothee and how much you wanted to protect him from you, but he never wanted to be protected from you because he knew that you could never hurt him. You rested your forehead against his.

"I-I need to go. I need to think."

He smiled sadly, "I'll be here when you're ready. I'll always be here Y/N until you don't want me to be here anymore."

-----------------------------------------------------------

You sat in your house, since leaving Timothee's earlier, you had been sat there lost in thought as you argued with yourself. It was true, the last thing you wanted was to hurt Timothee, but you were confused because it's like you couldn't understand your feelings. After all, a particular person still held a large part of it in his hands.

Timothee was there for you. Late night at the recording studio, whether through being there physically or even calling you or skyping you, he was always there. He was there with you when you bought all your albums from Target, and he was also the one who insisted you find another target that hasn't sold out your CDs so he could buy all of them too. Timothee was there with you when you had interviews that you almost felt like you could puke from nervousness backstage as he watched you talk about another celebrity you were getting linked to, and he was there with you to giggle about how stupid talk shows were. Timothee was always there. Whether it was dancing, kissing, or even fighting in the rain, he was always with you. He always wanted you around. Even when you rode the subway to get to a press conference of his or a promo for his upcoming movie, he always wanted you with him. He'd run with you in the rain, and he'd kiss away the sadness when you didn't want to speak with him. He was there with you when you get the sudden urge to buy all the popsicles from the nearest whole foods, and he was there with you when you got sick with the flu, which he also got from you. You'd spend afternoons walking around a far-off hill as you two put flowers in your hair despite knowing that you two probably had your busy schedules. Nothing mattered when you were with Timothee. Nothing mattered except each other. A part of you felt hurt that these memories you had kept of you and Tom were slowly being replaced by everything Timothee, but a large part of you also knew that the person you have now had no doubt that you couldn't ignore your feelings. You couldn't have to take Timothee out of your life.

Making up your mind, you got up, got dressed, and left for where you were sure you would find Tom.

He was in the middle of filming a new movie, but the second he saw you, he immediately asked to stop filming, a familiar, loving face plastered on as he walked over to you before being stopped by the director. They looked to be having a bit of a disagreement before he pointed you out, and the director looked at you in realization, patting him on the back and allowing him to jog over to you.

"Hey." You paused, your hand grasping your arm, and Tom took notice right away.

His eyebrows furrowed, "Hey, what's wrong?" He pulls you to sit by the curb as you two sat side by side, "You only do that when you're having a hard time saying something."

You gave him a look, "Well… I came here to ask you if it was alright if I try things out with Timothee."

He looked taken aback, "Oh, well, honestly, I thought you came by to sort things out between us…." He took notice of the way you looked down in guilt, "I don't think you could do anything with another guy that wouldn't upset me… but I don't really get that prerogative anymore, Y/N." He sighed, wrapping an arm around you to comfort you, "The fact is, you're trying to grow into who you've always wanted to be, and I'm trying to do that too for the sake of us and what we could be. If that means that you need or want to date someone again, I'll fully support you, but the most important thing is, does he make you happy?"

You sighed, looking out onto the filming lot, and nodded slowly, not noticing the slight upset look on Tom's face, "I catch myself sometimes smiling to myself when I think of him… But it's like I can't do anything because I don't want to let go of what we had."

Tom took a gulp, deciding that what was important right now was you, more than what he wanted, "What we had and what we were isn't important anymore Y/N. I'm working towards what we could become. What we had was co-dependency and a constant need to be in each other's presence to prove that what we had was perfect. I want us to find each other again in the future and know that no matter how far apart we are, if hopefully, we get together again, there is nobody in this world we'll love more… and that's what I'm encouraging you to do. I want to grow with you and grow for each other, and if that means you dating other people to understand yourself more, then I support you."

You looked at Tom for a second before hugging him and pecking him on the cheek, "I really needed that, Tom. Thank you."

He hugged you tighter, "Anytime. I'll always be here for you, Y/N."

----------------------------------------------------------------------

You gripped your seat in the car in pure nerves. You were on your way to the Oscars with your assistant constantly telling you about your performance and what not to mess up and things to remember, especially about reporters who wanted an interview with you. To say you were all nerves today was an understatement. You hadn't spoken to Timothee ever since you told him you needed time to think, so today would be the first time you would ever come face to face with him. You thought long and hard about everything between the two of you. Still, you think you're finally ready to actually put some time and effort into this… and if that meant doing things that would significantly make Timothee happy, then you'd do it.

Your assistant watched a live feed from the Oscars as she gave you updates on how Armie was on the carpet. Saoirse was on the carpet, talking about how she hoped to make a movie with you and various other stars. You were a few minutes away from the carpet when she spoke up again.

"Timothee has just arrived." then she looked at her phone and back at you, doing a double-take as you gave her a sheepish smile, all she could do was smile approvingly at you before going back to giving you live updates.

A few minutes later, and your heart didn't feel like it was going to slow down anytime soon as your assistant gave you a pep talk, "Y/N. You are gonna rock that carpet, you'll turn heads, and most importantly, you're gonna be the talk of the night. There is nothing that could go wrong tonight. Just take deep breaths and don't trip."

Luckily you were still coherent enough to understand what she said as you took deep breaths to calm your nerves.

"Alright, three… two… one." The door flew open as one of the large men in suits grabbed your hand and helped you out. Your dress was not providing you much flexibility to move, and for almost 15 seconds, it felt like everything was moving in slow motion as everyone was quiet. You found Timothee busy with an interview as the crowd looked from you to him, the topic on everyone's minds for the past few months. As if this were the only proof they needed, they held their cameras in their hands as they snapped pictures of you and a commotion started as they started asking for Timothee.

You think you gave them a quick, charming grin as you told them he was in an interview before walking towards the interviewer and Timothee. She was the first to notice while Timothee talked about how his mom stood him up as his Oscars date, something you arranged a week earlier and something Timothee's mom was more than happy to comply to.

The interviewer looks ecstatic as the only one and the first one on this carpet to get whatever the scoop was here, as she wasted no time when you slowly approached them, "Timothee! You said you were stood up, but you never told us that your backup would be late!"

Timothee shot her a confused look before he felt your arm slowly snake around his arm, "Sorry I'm late." You quickly whispered to him.

His face looked shocked. Almost as if a reflex, he almost pulled away from you before getting a good look at what you were wearing. His jaw looked like it would drop to the floor as he looked utterly awestruck.

The interviewer giggled nervously, already knowing her interview time was slowly coming to an end without any payoff to the two of you, "Timothee, you look to be speechless at Y/N's dress tonight." She looked at you hopefully, "Could everyone here assume this is date night?"

You smiled shyly at the lady before giving her a tiny curt nod, "I know it's a bit cliche to match outfits, but when I saw that Timothee was going to wear a harness, I just couldn't let him take all the attention for tonight, so I apologize, but I've kept this secret from him too just to make sure he doesn't do anything to take the spotlight, that's why he looks like he's just had a heart attack." you giggled.

He gave a quick, playful tilted look to you before blinking multiple times, "In my defense, I didn't even know that this was a harness... They told me this was a bib."

"Bib or not, you two look like the sexiest couple on the carpet, and I just so happen to be the luckiest interviewer tonight." The interviewer looked ecstatic as can be as she jumps up, more energetic to interview the two of you, "And well, Y/N, one look at you, and it's hard to believe anyone would still have the ability to speak. You look gorgeous." She winked at the camera, "But I can't help but notice you just confirmed this is date night… Is it safe to assume what everyone has been wondering for the past few months? That you two are dating?"

Somehow, Timothee finally snaps out of it and looks at you, a questioning look before you leaned over and spoke into the mic, "Yeah. We're together. We have been for a while now." You smiled sheepishly as you saw Timothee's face glow as he wrapped his arm around your waist, "I apologize for keeping quiet for so long, but we think it's the right time to go public now that we've decided to take things to a more serious level."

The interviewer waves a hand in the air, "As long as you two let us in on the secret, there's no problem there." She faced the camera, "You heard it here first, folks. Hollywood's newest and hottest up and coming power couple. From both Y/N and Timothee themselves, now going public with their relationship."

As you two walked away from the interviewer for more pictures, Timothee embraced you, uncaring of the cameras flashing in your faces, "Are you serious?"

You nodded slowly, "I'm ready to be with you completely, Timothee. I'm sorry I took so long."

He shook his head like a puppy, "As long as you're here with me now, Y/N, I don't care."

He pulled away at the sound of your name and his in the same sentence as the photographers asked for your attention. He quickly kisses you on the cheek as you shut your eyes and grinned, cameras going off and commotion started up at you two, the young hot couple everyone had wanted more details on.

Timothee clutched your waist tightly, almost like he was afraid that if he let go, this would all go back to how everything was before.

Before entering the venue, he pulled you to the side, "Are you sure about this? I don't want you to force yourself."

You shook your head, guiding his head to yours, "I think I'm in love with you too, Timothee. I'm all in with you." And then you kissed him.

[qianoir]

IT3D 1 - Hua Mulan

𝐏𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠: college students!WayV x Chinese fem!reader

𝐆𝐞𝐧𝐫𝐞: non-idol au, college au

𝐑𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠: 18+ (Do not interact if you are under 18)

𝐖𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬: heavy cursing (censored), mentions of sex, nudity, love octogon, foreign humor, overbearing parents

♡ 𝐖𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐂𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭: 1.3k

𝐓𝐚𝐠 𝐋𝐢𝐬𝐭: @eggbutnotyolk @d1nne @fanficbitchwhowriteskpop @staysstrays

Preview < 1 < 2 < 3

"I've only been in New York City for 15 hours, Xuejiao. And it's huge! I don't know these streets you're telling me!" You shout, ignoring the side-eyes from the passerby city slickers that give New York it’s bad stereotype.

"You're going down 96th Street right? I told you to keep going down. It's a long a.ss street. You'll find the campus eventually- look for the dome!"

The connection breaks as Xuejiao finishes the call, "I gotta go now, I’m trying to get in my astrology professor’s pants after class!" The line goes silent and you huff, opening up GPS to lead you down the forsaken 96th Street. Distracted with directions, some guy crashes into you with his bike.

"What the hell!? Watch where you're going!" You yell picking up your fallen bag- which scattered all of my weeaboo s.hit.

"Maybe if you didn't stand in the middle of the street, you wouldn't have wrecked my bike! You're lucky you didn't get killed by a real car!" You looked up at the ignorant voice and found a young, orange-haired Asian boy. Maybe Chinese, like me?

"I wrecked your bike!? You're really unbelievable.." You placed everything back into the bag and took out your wallet. "Look, I don't have time for this. I'm sorry for damaging your tricycle, or whatever- here." You threw a fully punched Xing Fu Tang loyalty card at the kid’s dumbfounded face and walked off.

It's 9:57 AM, your o-chem class starts at 10 and you still can't find the campus. Why did my parents even make me leave Hong Kong? Because of the government, the pollution? Both countries are f.ucked. I choke there and I choke here.

Finally, I'm here.

You ran to the STEM building and up the stairs to land in a spacious lab room. You hurried to an empty seat near the top row. 9:59 AM.. Thank goodness.

In the midst of the lesson, the door opened to reveal the same clumsy jerk you had encountered a few minutes ago. He rushed to an empty seat, you going unnoticed by him.

Your first 50 minutes of college went by pretty quick. Nothing more than a syllabus review and a small question/answer session.

"I know it is the first day, but you are all in big kid school now, so I am assigning a semester project you will work on for all of this first term with a partner." Each array of your peers groaned at this announcement.

"You will use your knowledge from high school chemistry or an equivalent to complete it." The professor continued, "I will choose your partners and you are both expected to be responsible with it all semester."

"Remember your partner's name so that when I'm done, you can come down to get each other's contact information."

"Man Wol and Ji An.. Ha Jin and Hae Soo.."

The professor continued to call out names as you were caught up in texting Xuejiao about the kid who crashed into you earlier this morning being in your class, only half listening until you heard your name being called.

“Y/N and Yangyang.." Did I miss a racist joke or something? What the hell is a Yang Yang?

You kept texting Xuejiao, deciding to deal with it after class.

"I know it's a lot to take in on the first day, but on the bright side, you don't have to do the project," Some idiots celebrated, "but know that I will judge you harshly on it and I will be teaching at an Ivy League while you get kicked out of an Ivy League, never achieving your dreams." He fakes a sad face and the same idiots fuss.

"Now come meet your partners and have a good rest of your first day!" Your first professor dismissed the first class.

You put your phone in your pocket and stumbled to the bottom of the classroom, calling out for "Yangyang," the name feeling awkward as it rolled off your tongue.

"That's me." You spun around and were met with the trike guy from earlier.

"IT'S YOU!" You exclaimed in unison with him, the space between you two silencing for a second, before you spoke again.

"Oh my God I can't believe I got such a d!ck as a partner." You rolled your eyes with crossed arms.

"Hey! It takes two to d!ck!" Yangyang argues back. You stared at the fellow Asian boy in disgust and dismay.

"What the f.uck!?"

Both of you suddenly broke down laughing, your huddled classmates peeking at you with judgemental stares.

Yangyang calmed down and talked more comfortably with you, "Thanks for the boba by the way. I drank it deliciously.. before I dropped it because I crashed again."

"That's what you get for being a pr!ck to me." You scoffed.

"Oh baby that wasn't being a pr!ck. That was simply getting you warmed up to want me." He tapped your chin to bop your head back while giving a creepy stare.

...

"You're a f.ucking crazy person."

"Like it or not, Mulan, you're stuck with me for an entire semester." He stuck his tongue out at you.

"Mulan?" You questioned.

"Yeah. You're a Chinese b!tch, right?" You glared at him, but had to nod ‘yes’ anyway.

"Cool. I'm Taiwanese.. I need to get to the other side of campus so give me your number so we can work out the details on the project. You wanna meet up at the library tonight?" You agreed and gave him your number.

"Great. See you tonight, Mulan." He winked and jumped out of the room.

Shaking your head at the ironic situation, you walked to the next class with a little over 10 minutes to spare, so you stopped for coffee at the Starbucks on campus.

The shop was pretty small and there weren't a lot of people inside. As you were about to enter, another Asian boy held the door open. "Thank you." You smiled, bowing your head in gratitude.

"Anything for a girl with such a charming smile. Can I buy you a coffee?" He asked.

"No, that's ok!" You replied, not wanting to inconvenience this guy- and besides, he might just be trying to get in my pants.

"Please I insist! Get anything you want!" You decided to take his offer because in the end, it’s free coffee. He was also pretty charming himself, and seemingly harmless.

"Could I get an iced Americano, please?" You ordered. "I'll have the same." The boy told the barista.

You both stood to the side of the bar, talking while the identical drinks were being made. "Thank you for paying, you really didn't have to." "No no it's really fine. I wanted to.. I'm Dejun Xiao by the way, I think I'm in your chemistry class. What's your name?"

"I'm Y/N." "Oh are you Chinese!?" You nodded. "I'm Chinese as well. Are you from China?" "I'm from Hong Kong." "That's so cool! I'm from Guangdong." "Oh nice, nice.." The drinks were handed to you and you walked out together, strolling into the center of the campus.

"What class do you have next?" Dejun asked, sipping at his coffee. You took out a crumpled paper to examine the schedule printed on it. "I have biochem next." "Oh we have the same class!" Dejun announced. "That's crazy! Are you premed?" You asked him. "No, I'm studying forensic science. I want to be a homicide detective.”

Wow this guy is impressive. "Wow, that's awesome.. I want to be a heart surgeon.”

“That’s so cool!” "Thank you." You laughed at his energy. The two of you walked in the direction of your next shared class, conversing and giggling with each other along the way.

You reached your next classroom and found empty seats next to one another. “You can call me Xiaojun, by the way. I think it’s cooler than Dejun.”

“If you have to say your name is cool, then it’s not cool.” Another Asian man walked up to your row.

"Hey man! You're in here, too?" Xiaojun asked. "Yeah! It was a lucky draw." Xiaojun then motioned over to you, "This is Y/N. She's my new.. friend?" He smiled at you, looking for confirmation. Returning his smile, "Yes I am. Nice to meet you." The other male shook your hand and introduced himself. "Nice to meet you, too. I'm Kun."

"She's from China, like us!" Kun was surprised. "Really? Why did you come to America?" "My parents made me." You shrugged. "Wow mine did, too." Kun chuckled and sat down in the row of you and Xiaojun.

I left China, but China came to me. Maybe this year is destined to be good..

To be continued…

𝘲𝘪𝘢𝘯𝘰𝘪𝘳