#so i was like 'this feels almost exactly the same except worse?' because i'd been expecting it to give me more depth and insight

[13eyond13]

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[cosmopolitan-thedrink]

I'd Run Away And Hide With You

Older Sam x Daddy Issues fem!reader

Warnings and tags:

SFW, tooth rotting fluff, dads best friend, neglectful dad, pure comfort, angst if you squint, age gap, reader has a crush, first person, no use of y/n, emotionally abusive ex boyfriend (past)

AN: aaaa my first time posting one of my bigger fics, i've been working on it for like two weeks lol. questions and comments are always appreciated

Word count: 3136

Waking up gasping for air and sweating like a damn pig isn’t exactly my favorite way to start the day, but recently it seems like that’s my only option. Except, this time it’s not day, it’s still dark outside my window and a bit cold in my room. Turning to the clock on my bedside table, I see it’s 1:28am. I only fell asleep an hour ago. Surely getting up and walking around a bit will help me clear my head, right? Cause that always works. 

I swing my legs over the side of the bed and shakily stand up. This nightmare had been worse than usual, but had ended abruptly. Maybe my brain was waking me up before it got too bad? But since when did my brain care about me? Who cares, I'm awake now. 

I trudge slowly to the kitchen to get some water and sit on the counter, trying to get my mind to be tired again, because that’ll solve all my problems. Going back to bed after having a nightmare, sounds smart to me. I'm just about to give up and go back to my room when I hear some shuffling and a lighter click from the living room. Oh right, Sam had stayed over because my dad was too drunk to drive him home and he didn’t have another ride. Since when the hell did he smoke? Or maybe he’s just lighting the house on fire. That'd be fun. 

I sigh to myself, debating on if I want to go make small talk like a normal person or awkwardly scurry past him up to my room and raise questions in the morning. Fuck it, he’s an interesting guy and I’ve been meaning to catch up with him.

I slowly walk up to the living room, he’s smoking a cigarette on the couch, the dim lighting of the tv and moonlight from the window illuminating his features perfectly and I can’t help but think how silly it is. Sam, the guy I've known all my life, the guy who I like more than my own dad sometimes, is sitting and smoking in my living room at 1am, and I'm here in the corner gushing over him. 

I knock quietly on the wall to get his attention, his head perks up and he greets me with a smile. The same smile he gives me whenever I do something funny or he’s proud of me. The one that makes his eyes squint and his cheeks jud out slightly. If I’m being honest, it makes my heart flutter. My dad never smiles at me like that, only at the beer bottle. 

“Hey kiddo, what’re you doing up this late?”

His voice is slightly hoarse and more gravely than usual. Maybe from the smoke?  Or maybe just because it’s late. I don’t care, he’s pretty. 

“I’m not a kiddo, I’m 19 years old”

I respond, crossing my arms and leaning against the wall.

“If you must know, I had a nightmare and wanted to walk around a bit to clear my head”

Sam nods sadly, taking another puff from his cigarette

“I’m gonna call you kiddo until you’re 85” he says with a cocky grin and I roll my eyes with a giggle.

“You get nightmares often?”

“Almost every night. Tonight’s was just worse than usual”

He looks at me apologetically 

“I'm sorry sweetheart. Do you want to talk about it?” He asks hesitantly and I huff a laugh and shake my head 

“Not in a million years, I'm fine.”

He scoffs and rolls his eyes.

“Worth a shot”

I uncross my arms and shake out my shoulders

“Mind if I sit with you?”

“Course not, cmere love”  He responds with that same smile that makes me feel so much and pats the couch next to him. 

I try to push the feeling down and plop down next to him. Even though we’re a reasonable distance away, I can still feel his warmth and smell his cologne and the cigarette smoke. I'd never say it out loud, especially not to him, but the combination of the two makes my head spin and my heart claw at my ribcage. After a while, he breaks the comfortable silence. 

“Seriously kid, what’s going on with you?”

“I said-“

“I know what you said darling, but I'm saying that’s bullshit. Something’s wrong, people don’t have nightmares every night because they’re “fine”. I’m not stupid. What's wrong?”

Those names. Sweetheart, love, darling. It’s almost too much. I feel myself start to break open and crack. I sigh and pull my knees to my chest. 

“You’re not gonna let it go until I talk about my feelings, are you?”

“Nope. now start talking” he puts out his cigarette and places his hand on my knee, rubbing small circles with his thumb. My breath hitches and heart aches. I look away.

“Fine. I was going out with this guy and he started to get kinda controlling. Getting annoyed at everything I do, not letting me hangout with other people without asking to come along, or just inviting himself anyway. And he would be mean sometimes. Like one time I showed him something I wrote after he begged to see it and called it ‘the cringiest thing he’s ever read’. I was really proud of it. He had just moved and his mom had literally just gotten arrested and sent to rehab. She had been two years sober, so he blamed everything on being ‘stressed’. And not to mention the damn jokes. If that’s what you want to call them. I just couldn’t take it anymore so I broke it off with him and now I just feel like shit. better shit, but still shit”

He’s silent for a while and I think I’ve said too much, that he’ll think it’s weird and I’m selfish, that I should've just sucked it up and dealt with it.

“Oh sweetheart…”

His voice seems far too soft and gentle to be his. I look up at him, only now realizing that my eyes are watering against my will.

“What do you mean by jokes? What’d he say?"

I shake my head and look away again

“Lots of weird sex jokes, about me specifically”

He frowns sternly

“Is it something I should be concerned about?”

“Kind of.. He never actually did anything um, physical that I didn’t want him to but he definitely made it clear just how upset he was that he wasn’t getting any action” 

I say in a small, scared voice that doesn’t sound like mine. I guess I didn’t realize how big a deal it was until I said it out loud.

“Oh baby…”

Is all he says. He slowly wraps his arm around my shoulder and tugs me closer to him. I let out a breath I didn’t realise I was holding and cling to him like it’s the last thing I’ll do and yell at my eyes to stop fucking watering for God’s sake. I didn't realize how bad I needed a hug. His hug. A father-like hug. He runs his fingers through my messy hair and places a soft kiss on my temple. 

The nicknames, the hug, the gentle tone of his voice, the damn kiss, it’s just too much for my daddy issues to handle. The cracks widen and I shatter. A pitiful, choked sob escapes my mouth, then another, and another and before I can stop myself, I’m bawling my damn eyes out and everything is happening too fast and he’s wrapping me in a tight hug and his arms feel like the softest blanket in the fucking world. He holds me close and coos at me with the most calming voice I've ever heard. 

“Shh sweetheart, you’re ok. You’re alright. Listen to me, you’re gonna be okay”

His words pierce right through me 

“How? He was struggling and he needed me and I left”

I choke out, barely coherent due to the sobs and hysterical breathing 

“Sunshine, he is not your responsibility, you were struggling too and he didn’t do anything either.”

He pulls back and holds my face in his hands, stroking my cheek softly with his thumb

“It is not your fault he was a shitty boyfriend.”

He says sternly yet gently and I desperately hold onto his arms, not wanting him to let go. I'm sure I look downright pathetic with my messy hair, puffy face, pitiful whimpering and hyperventilating but I don't care, all I care about is him. He's here and he’s holding me and he’s so damn warm. 

“Do you understand me, darling?”

The wave of emotion begins to settle, but the storm is far from over. I nod ever so slightly and he smiles softly, moving one hand to the back of my head to stroke my hair 

“Good. Good girl. I need you to breathe with me, think you do that?”

I nod shakily, pushing down the way the praise makes me feel, I can freak out about it later. 

I inhale deeply through my nose, interrupted by hiccups, and exhale slowly through my mouth. He smiles at me, the gentle, warm smile that makes my heart flutter. 

“Good, good” he coos, still stroking my cheek with his thumb.  “Another one”

I breathe again, my heartrate getting steadier and calmer by the second. 

Before I can stop myself, I slowly lean down to lay my head on his chest, wrapping my arms around his torso and curling my legs beneath me so I'm laying on his lap like a little kid. He doesn’t hesitate to wrap his arms around me, cradling me close to his heart- like a father should do. 

“Sleepy now, huh?” he asks with a soft chuckle, his hand resting perfectly on my back. I just nod tiredly, my breath slowly getting soft and calm again. 

“You can sleep sweetheart, I’ll be right here, yeah?”

"My dad’ll get mad-“ I mumble, my brain already turning to mush from exhaustion

“He’ll think-“

“I'll take care of it, don’t worry that pretty little head of yours, ok?” 

I nod with a yawn, far too tired to argue. He pulls a blanket over me, trapping me with that body heat and smell I love so much. He kisses the top of my head and whispers

“Sweet dreams princess”

As I slowly fade back into consciousness, the first thing I notice is the sound of arguing. I can't quite make out the words yet but I can tell the voices. Sam and my dad. I can panic about that later, right now, there’s strong arms wrapped around me and I smell something familiar and I'm so fucking warm. I feel like I'm melting into a puddle that’ll stain the carpet but I don't care, soap exists for a reason.

The events of last night come rushing back to me. The nightmare, the talk with Sam, crying in his arms and falling asleep on his lap. Huh, so that’s why I can smell cigarette smoke and hear a steady heartbeat. I had told him literally everything. Everything that I had tried so hard to bury. 

I’m shaken back from my thoughts by my dad’s voice 

“What the fuck is going on, Sam?! You’re literally cuddling with my daughter! What, are you sleeping with her too?”

I flinch involuntarily and hear Sam’s heart rate pick up. Of course that’s the first thing that my dad would think of. He sees someone being nice to me and immediately assumes I'm a whore. 

“It’s not like that and you know it. She had a nightmare and went to walk around. We started talking and she had a fucking breakdown. She was sobbing so hard I thought she was going to faint. She looked like she was going to faint.”

My dad is silent and I recall the dizziness and fog in my head last night. 

“But do you care? Or even notice? No, all you care about is the fucking bottle. If you won’t take care of her, if you don’t love her, I will.”

He spits out with anger in his voice and my heart sinks to my feet. He’s not wrong, Dad does seem to like a bottle of Tito’s more than me most days. 

I’ve never heard them fight like this before. They've argued over stupid stuff before. Sports, being late, who gets the pretty girl, but never like this. Hearts racing, pure anger in their voices, mean words they can’t take back. 

“You’re a real selfish prick, you know that? You think you know her better than me?”

My dad yells, his voice dripping with venom. Sam’s voice deepens

“Listen, we can argue or tear each other apart or whatever later. But right now, she needs this sleep.”

His arms tighten around me almost possessively, like he's shielding me from him, and starts to rub soft circles on my back

“I mean, Have you even looked at her? She’s fucking exhausted! The bags under her eyes are practically purple. I wouldn’t be surprised if this is the first good sleep she’s had in a while” 

I recognize the grumble and scoff in my dads voice as he talks

“Fine, whatever, you win. But the second she’s awake, you come find me and we talk.”

It’s the voice that says ‘I know I'm not gonna win this fight so I’m gonna raise you a living hell’. This should be fun. I flinch slightly against my will and Sam immediately tugs me closer. 

“Looking forward to it” 

I can practically hear the cocky grin on his face. My dad’s stomping footsteps slowly fade from the room and the back door slams. 

I let out a breath I didn't realize I was holding and he places a soft kiss on the top of my head. 

“You’re alright sunshine, don’t listen to him”

Wait, does he know I'm awake? I flutter my eyes slowly open and squint at the bright lights. Sam’s smile that makes my heart ache is the first thing I see. He runs a hand through my hair and coos at me 

“Hey kiddo, good morning”

I groan tiredly and bury my face in his chest. He chuckles and holds my back with his strong arms. 

“How’d you sleep?”

He asks casually, like he didn’t just get into a fight with his best friend, my dad. 

I mumble nothing in particular and hold onto him a bit tighter. 

“You were out cold. Slept like a damn rock”

He says with a soft chuckle as I pull my head up to look at him to see the glint in his eyes and the smile that makes things feel ok. 

“What time is it?”

My voice is sore and hoarse from crying so I clear my throat. 

“Just past 11am”

I nod and yawn. 

“How long have you been awake?” I ask hesitantly, hoping he got some sleep.

“I woke up around 9” I nod 

“So you just sat there for two hours while I slept?

“I sure as hell wasn’t gonna wake you up, you looked so cute and peaceful.” I smile warmly and bury my face again, a massive wave of gratitude and adoration flooding over me. 

“Thank you” I whisper 

“Anytime sweetheart.”

“So, my dad’s mad, huh?” I ask quietly after a few beats of silence 

“Did you hear that?” he asks apologetically and I nod. He sighs and kisses my head again. 

“He's mad, but he’ll get over it. I mean, someone’s gotta take care of his little girl if he won’t” my heart flutters and claws against my chest and I nod again, leaning my head back on his chest. He tugs me closer to him and rubs my back. 

“You’re gonna be ok sweetheart, we’ll figure this out, all of it. I promise” he whispers and I shutter softly 

“We fucking better” I mutter. 

“We will” he chuckles

“Oh, and by the way, you talk in your sleep” my cheeks go red and I bury my face back in his chest. 

“Oh god, did I say anything weird?”

“Nothing bad, it was mostly incoherent mumbling, but you did say something about a ‘pretty guy named Sam’. I wonder who you were talking about”

A wave of embarrassment crashes over me and I can feel how warm my cheeks are. 

“Oh my god…” I mumble. 

“Aww, is someone embarrassed?” he asks in a teasing voice. 

“Shut the fuck up” I say, still mumbling

“No, I don’t think I will” he says in that damn cocky tone. I swear, it’s like he’s trying to make me explode or something. He chuckles and rubs my back a bit

“Look at me sweetheart” I shake my head against his chest. 

“Absolutely not” he gently grabs my chin and pulls it up, making me look at him. My cheeks are an impossible shade of pink and I'm pouting.

“There we go, hi there, pretty girl” He coos

“Are you trying to kill me?” I say, my voice a bit whinier than I intended. 

“What, I can't look at pretty girls anymore?” 

“Not this one” I grumble

”So you admit you’re pretty?” he asks smugly

“That’s not what I meant-“

“Too late pretty girl, no take backs” 

“Oh my god” I mumble and let my face fall back in his chest, feeling the heat from my cheeks spread to my neck. He chuckles and we lay in comfortable silence until I yawn again. 

“Still sleepy?” he asks gently. I debate lying but he’s right. I’m fucking exhausted. I’ve gotten a taste of good sleep and I'm not going back now. I nod lazily against him and I can hear the smile in his voice. 

“You can go back to sleep sweetheart, I don’t have anywhere to be today” my heart pretty much melts and I mumble something to myself 

“But my dad-“ 

“I told you not to worry about it sweetheart, so don’t worry about it. You definitely need more good sleep. ” he says sternly but gently. He puts his hand on my head and gently runs his hands through my hair and over my back. I’m too fucking tired to argue so I shift so I'm more comfortable and snuggle closer to him. He tugs the blanket back over us and holds me somehow tighter.

“That’s a good girl” he coos

I hum comfortably and look up at him, silently freaking out about that damn sentence. I’ll lose my shit later.

“Thank you Sammy, for all of this.” 

“Of course, my love.” He places a gentle kiss on my forehead and rubs my back in the perfect spot that makes my eyes flutter closed and sends a shiver through my whole body as I drift back into a comfortable sleep, one without nightmares.

[rjalker]

>:(

if anyone tell you pap smears don't hurt they're a gods damned liar

next time I'm going to ask them to just give me fucking laughing gas or something.

Edit two days later:

For the fucking record to ward off jackass, this post is being made by a nonbinary trans person. My pronouns are it/its. Any TERFs or other transmisics who touch this post will be fucking vaporized.

For a damn preface, for those unaware, a pap smear is a procedure done on people with vaginas to test for cervical cancer or other health problems. It involves sticking a medical device into the vagina and using it to widen the walls of the vagina so the doctor can stick a tiny brush into the cervix to collect cells for testing.

And if you try to look up whether or not this procedure can hurt, every where you look will tell you it doesn’t.

And I'm still fucking infuriated by this. Because it’s a fucking lie. Everywhere I looked beforehand said it wouldn't hurt, I might just feel some pressure. Every single fucking website and blog post and video said "It won't hurt! It doesn't hurt!"

Even now when I am specifically trying to find other people talking about how it hurts, 99% of the results are saying it doesn't hurt, and if it does, it's just because you're nervous and anxious and causing yourself problems.

Except every where I fucking looked told me it wouldn't hurt. The doctor said it wouldn't hurt. My fucking mom said it wouldn't hurt.

I was not tense. I was not anxious. I was told it wouldn't hurt and I believed all the people who'd said so.

And then it felt like having a knife shoved inside my body.

And I was told to just do some fucking breathing exorcises and relax.

Even though I'd been fucking relaxed until it started hurting, because everyone fucking old me it was painless, just mildly uncomfortable.

And I am not talking about pain like "a little pinch", I mean fucking pain like being stabbed with a needle or having a knife twisted inside you. And it just got worse the longer it went on. They had to fucking stop early and might not have even been able to collect the fucking cells they were supposed to be testing.

And when this was finally over the doctor told me that the only reason it hurt was because my hymen was intact (So what about all the fucking shit going around for years about how that breaks for everyone in fucking gym class???? More fucking lies!!), as though that had anything to do with the pain inside.

And now every fucking thing I try to look up for reasons why it can hurt is literally just fucking repeating the same shit about how it doesn’t hurt, and if it does, it’s only because you were nervous and anxious and embarassed and all the fucking things I WASN’T. BECAUSE I WAS TOLD IT WOULDN’T HURT.

Every where I fucking look, I’m told that these things don’t hurt, and it’s just anxiety, and blah fuckity blah.

For fuck’s sake, this is real fucking medical gaslighting going on on a fucking absurd level.

These fucking websites and videos and blog posts and articles may as well just fucking call my hysterical at this point for all they fucking give a shit about people who are hurt by this procedure.

Everyone’s too fucking busy insisting that it doesn’t hurt and you have to get one and if you avoid getting one then you’re a bad person and you’re going to get cancer and die.

I’ve literally found exactly one (1) article talking about how it does hurt for some people, but that this gets constantly brushed under the rug and shouted down, and how this is a fucking problem. One fucking short article out of almost a hundred that I checked.

If you are so hellbent on getting people to get pap smears that you will literally fucking lie about the fact that not only can it hurt, it can hurt extremely, then you are not fucking helping anyone! If no one’s allowed to fucking talk about how painful this procedure is, no one can actually fucking give informed consent, because all of society is apparently too damn busy lying and saying it doesn’t hurt!!!!!!

This is blatant fucking medical misogyny and medical gaslighting everywhere you look and I’d have to be fucking knocked unconcious or given fucking laughing gas before I ever agree to do that again.

There’s even a fucking tiktok someone put on youtube where the original person was talking about offering anesthesia for pap smears, and then a fucking gynecologist comes in to say that’s stupid and useless and absurd and pretends that the only reason it can hurt is because people aren’t relaxed enough.

This is literal fucking society-wide misogynistic lying and gaslighting and it is pure fucking evil.

So pro fucking tip, for people who need to get pap smears: It can in fact hurt. Do not fucking let anyone tell you that you’re imagining it or you’re immature or you’re causing it yourself by being anxious. Do not fucking let them gaslight you and victim blame.

Pap smears can hurt, a lot, and anyone who tells you they don’t or can’t is just straight up fucking lying to your face.

So does this fucking mean I have endometriosis? Vaginismus? Some other fucking horrible thing I haven't heard of yet??? I don't fucking know! And it's gonna take three weeks to fucking find out the test results, assuming they even got to collect any of the gods damned cells in the first place!

Either fucking way, the fact that no one is allowed to talk about how this procedure can be excruciatingly painful because everyone else is just shouting at the top of their lungs that it doesn't hurt and you need to be a Big Girl™ and stop being embarrassed and go get one is fucking evil and I am fucking enraged.

(Edit again for the anon: Yes, you can reblog this, I am not embarrassed, more people need to talk about this so people can at least have some fucking warning. Feel free to copy and paste to other sites too.)

[omgcatboi]

I love being in a feedist relationship, but it is always a thing where the partner feels like they are almost humoring me? Albeit, they have always been enthusiastic to "let themselves go" and be spoiled with food, but it would be nice to find someone who gets sexually excited over the overindulgence and gaining (especially when I love to cook and haven't had a relationship yet where my partner hasn't gained over 100 pounds in a matter of months).

I am once again giving my feedee insight that no one asked for away for free.

I've been seeking a feedism relationship for quite some time now. But it's hard to find someone who has a hot dynamic with me who doesn't live ten billion light-years away. I gotta have somethin irl lol. And admittedly, it takes a good chunk of getting to know one another before I even consider someone a relationship option.

Or worse, someone on meet up apps that just want to ' feed and fuck ' me. As if I'd ever meet up with anyone for the first time with sexual intentions when I'm demi / ace and only have sex with people I know and connect with on a personal level.

I currently live with someone who totally understands feedism, but we aren't in a relationship. It's more developed into a friendship. I met them mere months ago, and I'm glad things are workin out so well.

So I get you. I'm kind of? In a simulator situation?

In the since of " these are both feedism related things that are good but on a more platonic level "

So I currently relate in my own way lol.

I guess it really comes down to what you want. Do you want a relationship where there isn't sexual excitement coming from the other person in relation to your ( assumably ) main kink / life style ?

Because look, I'm gonna level with ya, only one of my relationships had feedism elements. And tho I was super asexual / sex repulsed at the time, it was still the most memorable relationship I've had to this day. Infact, it was so fun because of that aspect, that I downright refuse to date someone who isn't a feeder, or at the very least, a fat admirer. It was just too fun goin' on fast food runs at 2 AM and piggin' out together while they rubbed my belly.

Once I get a lil taste of heaven, I refuse anything else. Once I know I can have something I want, I make it for myself. So to me, the patience is worth it. I've been single for what feels like forever, but that's what happens when you're picky lol.

By all means, if you love this person, and you think they are worth keeping, then do that if ya want. If you're monogamous, then it's your decision to make.

If your relationship is non monogamous, however, I don't see any problem at all except that yer missin' a feedee in the equasian.

Remember to not settle while also keeping a realistic mindset on what you want. It's possible to do both. I hope your situation gets more favorable in terms of figuring out a romantic/ sexual outlet for feedism.

Bc you're right to imply the difference between a chubby person eating Because they're in a relationship where it's ok to " let urself go " and a feedee who genuinely loves every aspect of gaining, not just the free pass to eat whatever we want. Because we do that regardless, we don't feel the need to have permission to indulge and allow our frames to wear the result as a trophy.

Two totally different vibes. Two completely different dynamics.

This is a common thing I've seen with feedism friends, and I don't really understand how it's so common. But feeders / feedees be gettin in relationships with normies. Which is fine, but at the same time... Ya know what ya want.

It's exactly why I refuse to date someone who isn't also passionate about this life style. Especially since I'm going to end up being immobile and will need a caretaker at some point.

[darkstarofchaos]

Glad I could help! Though I wish I'd had better news for you.

Yeah, unfortunately the name of the game in S2 so far has been Evil Just Because. There's one episode Jawbreaker spends bonding with Aftermath (which pretty much means talking his ear off and joining in some pointless destruction), but in the end, Aftermath betrays his trust. And like, there could be a nature vs nurture question there, because Aftermath has been living with the Cons and has picked up their lifestyle, except a) that's reducing the Cons to just a bad influence, and b) Aftermath was already written off as Born Bad.

(I'm also really uncomfortable with the way Jawbreaker was written in that episode, because he has exactly zero awareness that he's annoying Aftermath, and he also just jumps right in trying to treat him like family without a hint of wariness. And then gets punished for being too trusting. It feels really infantilizing).

But honestly, the way they handled Spitfire (second Chaos Terran) was worse. Because she starts off with the Autobots instead of the Decepticons, but Twitch and Dot are the only ones willing to give her a chance, just because she's a Chaos Terran. But she also thinks she's better than Twitch, so after Twitch gets chosen to join an Autobot mission, Spitfire instantly thinks she should get to go. And instead of any bot present being an adult and explaining to the hours-old child that she needs training before she can join missions, they set up a whole obstacle course that the entire Malto clan minus Dot take part in. Which makes no sense because the specifics of the mission mean the only individuals who have the skillset (flight, mostly) are Twitch, Spitfire, and Nightshade.

Anyway, Spitfire won by cheating and almost killing Alex, and she got disqualified for it. And when she got rightfully angry because no one explained the rules to her, Twitch just got mad right back (and the adults proceeded to be useless while they fought, because "they need to work this out themselves").

Honestly, the Born Evil thing aside, my biggest problem with the Chaos Terrans is that they were fully developed right from the start. Like, the other Terrans needed time to find altmodes and learn to be people and stuff, but the Chaos Terrans were just, boom, here's your altmodes, enjoy having opinions about things you shouldn't even know exist. Aside from being inconsistent with the previous season, it allows for contrivances like the above with Spitfire to happen. No one ever explained morality to her, but she's the bad guy because she didn't come with an innate sense of right and wrong. She's been alive for a day, she shouldn't even know death is a thing, much less that killing people for personal gain is wrong. But because she can carry on a conversation, people treat her like this stuff should be obvious. And like she's bad for not knowing it.

And then, of course, since the Decepticons are evil just because, the Chaos Terrans don't have a chance to learn anything positive from the people who accept them, either. Starscream actually almost manages to look like a good guardian because he doesn't lash out when goaded (Skywarp even calls him out for letting "Spitfire" - who is actually Twitch - get away with disrespect), and he even has a sweet moment with Spitfire. But nope. He betrays both of the Chaos Terrans in the end. Because Evil. And in the same scene, he twists the meaning of the "take care of yourself" message he gave Hashtag so it's "take care of yourself and screw everyone else".

Like. I actually enjoyed Starscream's scenes, even if his motivation was disappointing, because his attitude towards the Chaos Terrans was pretty much "grumpy but tolerant" (and unlike the purported Good Guys, he actually acknowledged them as children). But all of that got ruined in the last 20 minutes, and I hate it.

Just watched Ep 1 of Earthspark S2. And I'm furious.

Don't read this if you don't want spoilers. Or if you think the showrunners can still do no wrong, and are unprepared for the level of Incandescent Fury of which I am capable. But if you DO have spoilers for the whole season and understand my particular vibe, PLEASE read this and reblog with answers (but use the cut for the sake of my followers)...

Reasons why I'm mad:

A year goes by in which all of the stuff I was actually interested in presumably happened: dealing with GHOST, the Decepticons and Autobots cooperating, Mo and Robby getting cool mech suits.

Then for no reason other than "Decepticons huh" the Decepticons apparently forgot their alliance, turned on Our Designated Good Guys (tm) and just randomly started trying to conquer and/or kill everything again. Or were they screwed over, yet again? I really hope so but I don't have a good feeling about it given the contemptuous attitudes displayed by Bee (as usual, because ES Bee is a fucking asshole) and Robby (disappointing, he wasn't like that before).

And we never did get to find out what the fuck was up with GHOST or why the Decepticons were all in jail (and no, "Decepticons huh" is not an acceptable reason--they have every reason to hate us.)

Breakdown is a terrible parent for no reason? BREAKDOWN?

The Chaos Terrans thing gives me the same willies that the Orcs in Tolkien (I am not a Tolkien fan) used to do. I am not comfortable with the eugenicist/ableist notion that people can be born corrupt and innately evil, especially not if it has something to do with HOW they were born.

Soooo... if you've finished the season (I know you've been posting a bit about it) is there any reason for me to continue?

Reasons I would continue:

Ravage continues to be basically the same Ravage I write, only much smaller.

RavWave (as a ship, not just platonic interaction, mostly because I would watch anything for that no matter how messed up)

Explanation that there actually is a reason why the Cons turned on everyone, and what that reason is. Did they want to put them back in jail? Did they want them to do forced labour? Did Megatron start whaling on Starscream again? I note Tara isn't around Con HQ, what does Tara know?

Quints are interesting and not just scary (the Quints in Cyberverse scared me more than many adult horror movie villains did, BUT they are also just kinda evil and mean and we have no idea why, which would not have been particularly interesting at all except for the fun of watching Hot Rod and Soundwave become the faction leaders while OP and Megatron were unable to be)

Chaos Terrans are not innately bad or do not need some mystical power of nuclear heteronormative family to make them good

The Decepticons get something out of the ending other than screwed

We find out more about Dot and Megs

Some Cons are good parents

More Tarantulas and Nightshade content

Hashtag continues to have a relationship with Starscream that affects the plot as it develops

We are actually told what happened during the year they missed

Reasons I would not continue:

Cons are just bad because cons are bad.

Ravage is Soundwave's daughter or pet or in some other way not actually a grown-ass adult Decepticon officer, making Soundwave a father who raises child soldiers or a guy who runs dogfights, which is not cute even if he is snatched af

(they don't have to be lovers though my shipping heart was pleased when their PDA in the deleted scenes embarrassed Starscream, but she has to be a Real Independent Person who could be someone's partner if not his)

Chaos Terrans are innately bad until "saved" by the Power of Love And the Nuclear Family (or just innately bad)

Emberstone continues to be Allspark Mark II so why even change the name?

Bee's incredible assholery is never called out (it's not funny when a starving person accidentally kills their starving teammate due to a mistake they made because they were starving)

Only Autobots and people who form nuclear families can be good parents

Everyone being friends with the cows goes to the PETA place

Cons get nothing but screwed

Please tell me this series hasn't gone where I was afraid it would. Or let me know that it has so I can decide if it's going to be so bad I'll be mad the whole time like I was in Ep 1.

Warning: anyone who clowns on this post to be a RavWave anti or say "The Decepticons are supposed to be pure evil, duh!" will get blocked.

[arrancxr]

You hate the Shinigami side for the most part, yes? Are there any that you hate in particular?

Oooooh, this is a good question! owo

From a story standpoint, most of my dislike for the Shinigami side is directed at the system more than the individual people, honestly. I feel like a LOT of their problems are tied to how their society operates, not the people caught up in it. Most of them, especially the ones who aren't at the very top of the ranks, seem pretty decent! However, from the way they approach the conflict with Hollows to the way they treat the people in their own realm, they're awful.

Turning to a meta standpoint, I would have liked the Shinigami a lot better, I think, if they hadn't been cast as the ultimate good guys. It's not fair to expect anything too deep from a shounen manga, I know, but probably the number one thing that bothers me about the Shinigami side is that they're given an author-granted privilege to do whatever they please and still be the designated "good".

Like, Szayel and Mayuri are pretty equal in terms of moral atrocities and general nastiness. And yet while Szayel's sadistic mad science is portrayed as disturbing and evil, to the point where the horrific death he gets is treated like something he deserved, Mayuri... pretty much gets off scot-free. He's a Captain with active permission from the ruling government to more or less do whatever he wants, the people around him (who are supposed to be the good guys!!) never do much more than complain about the creepy shit he pulls, and the main manga ends with him still doing exactly what he wants, with no more punishment than a brief wound to his ego from losing Nemu.

And that's where it irks me. Shinigami are allowed, if not encouraged to be as cruel as they please when dealing with Hollows. We see them do things every bit as awful as the Arrancars' actions, but the narrative insists that, by the sole virtue of being Shinigami, it's somehow acceptable when they do it. The moment when Zommari questions the Shinigami's right to kill Hollows could have been interesting! It could have opened up a whole discussion about the fairness of the Shinigami system, both to the Hollows they're killing and the souls in the Rukongai they're (supposedly) protecting!

Instead, Byakuya shoots down the moral question with no further answer than "because I'm right," and it never comes up again. There's a recurring theme of Shinigami characters being narratively protected from any wrongdoing... when it's done to anyone else.

When Shinigami (or human, by protagonist extension) characters get hurt, it's a bad thing, and the perpetrator is immediately and inherently a villain. When other characters (most notably, Hollows) get hurt, so long as it was a Shinigami that did it, the action is almost always justified somehow, or at least reduced in "badness". The only real exception is when assigned "villain" characters are involved, and even then, that doesn't always make much of a difference.

For example— the Visored are the results of Aizen's inhumane experiments. They suffer for it, for a while, but in the end, they're accepted into the main cast as important characters and "good guys", and it's widely accepted that what Aizen did to them was fucked up and cruel. And yet, Wonderweiss, who's also a result of Aizen's experiments (and is debatably much worse off from them), is shown none of the same mercy. He's relevant for as long as it takes him to be a living fire extinguisher, and with the sentiment of "I can slaughter you without hesitation," is killed and forgotten.

I could go on for much longer here, but I think I've made my point... >.> Though, since you asked about specific Shinigami I dislike, I'll point out a few of those too.

Mayuri — Where do I even start? I'd probably like him a lot better if he didn't get away with so much (I do tend to enjoy awful anime men...), but his utter lack of consequences for anything, ever, just really puts me off. Since he gets a narrative pass for pretty much everything, he's not fun at all! >:(

Kenpachi — Similar to Mayuri, I'd probably be more fond of him if he was written differently. I'm generally a fan of overpowered characters (when they're well-written), but Kenpachi seems to exist solely to be Kubo's Ass Pull vessel whenever he writes himself into a corner and doesn't know how else to kill off whichever nonsensically impossible to beat villain he's set up this time.

Yamamoto — He's pretty much the face of what's wrong with the entire Shinigami system. On top of that, the "wise, ancient leader who's stuck in his ways and far too strict" trope doesn't appeal to me much. I just don't see anything to like about him...

Byakuya — Tbh, his fight with Zommari made me really not like him. His type of character can work, but the fact that Byakuya single-handedly shut down the most promising moment of maybe putting some actual thought into the Shinigami vs Hollows situation ruined him for me forever.

Those are the ones that I actively dislike the most! There are more who are on my ick list because they're just plain boring, but that's a different matter altogether.

[that-was-anticlimactic]

Yes hi, I'd love to know more about your tourettes sokka hc if you're up for it 👀 I'm starving for tourettes hcs so 👀

Oh boy oh boy oh boy!! I can talk about this SO MUCH (I will warn now, there will be some Zukka in this) okay so I guess I’ll start at the beginning...

Sokka was six when he started showing symptoms

It started with just some motor tics but everyone kind of just attributed it to this kid has a lot of energy ahhh

It became more noticeable when he kept almost killing himself with weapons because of his tics and slight carelessness

That’s one reason why he loves boomerang so much, none of the other weapons felt right to him and they would always get in the way of his tics, but he could throw boomerang and it would come back to him so he could keep throwing it and it made him feel calm

Then, Sokka started saying stuff that he didn’t mean to say, but again, everyone was just like hyper kid because it’s not like he was doing anything wrong

But they realized something was up when Sokka started yelling “FIRE NATION” without intending to and sending the whole tribe in a panic

So, Hakoda took Sokka to a nearby trustworthy Earth Kingdom village and that’s where Sokka got diagnosed with Tourette’s (and ADHD)

One of the things with Sokka is touch, like, he feels like touch is constricting and restraining sometimes. The problem is, he LOVES touch, he is a touchy person, but when someone touches him without telling him first or asking him, he doesn’t like it.

Sometimes he mentally shuts down when it happens, sometimes he tics more, the reaction depends on his anxiety levels and who touched him and when and where

The only people he gave a pass to was Kya and Katara. He didn’t even like it when Hakoda put a hand on his shoulder.

It was weird, he could feel the difference when Katara and Kya touched him compared to anyone else and he felt bad because he wanted his dad to hug him, but it felt so wrong

So, Sokka loves touch, but he likes to initiate it

So, moving forward, Sokka and Katara meet Aang, he’s the Avatar, they join and you know, there’s Aang the Avatar, Katara the Waterbender, and Sokka the guy with Tourette’s on the team

At least, that’s how they are known amongst the Fire Nation

Going undercover is so fun for Sokka, but he also has to be really conscious of what he’s doing and what he says and trying to suppress

It takes a lot out of him, but he knows he literally has to do it or he could get caught or expose them and Aang or Katara could get caught

On occasion, he has tic attacks (and for those who don’t know, they’re essentially a really bad TS day or moment where your tics are more consistent and seem to hurt more or you just have like an unending moment of tics where you just can’t stop for a little while. They are usually caused by anxiety or overstimulation or something like that, but they differ for everyone with TS)

The first time it happened in front of Aang, the sweet child panicked because he didn’t really understand what was happening and why Sokka was doing that and really what TS was

Katara is an angel, seriously. She is so sweet to Sokka when this happens and she knows exactly how to ground him and help him get through it

(Seriously, Sokka appreciates her so much. She is genuinely the one exception and anytime she wants a hug or any kind of touch she is allowed to do it)

the first time it happens in front of Toph when she joins is in Bitter Work when Sokka was in the hole

Just looking at Sokka in the whole sends my anxiety up because he literally can’t move! So like, imagine being in a hole for like five hours+ and needing to move like physically and you can feel the sensation in your body and it hurts and burns and tingles but you can’t. Sokka is not having a good time

So, Toph drags him out of the hole and is freaked out because she can’t see what’s happening and it’s scary because Sokka is making noises and hyperventilating and his heart rate is through the roof and Aang ran to get Katara and she can’t touch him because when she pulled him out of the hole he shrieked

She’s cool with it after that, she doesn’t think of him any less or anything, but it terrified her the first time because no one told her he had TS because they forgot to mention it and she couldn’t see what was happening

We all know that Sokka loves Suki and the Kyoshi Warriors with his whole entire heart and once they kicked his butt and helped him learn that sexism is bad, they were so fun to work with?? They taught him their style, obviously, but they also helped him incorporate his TS into it and how to use it to his advantage, something he had been struggling with his whole life

One of the things Sokka loved most about Yue is that she never even mentioned his sounds or movements she just let him do it without questioning him and that doesn’t happen a lot

I feel like Sokka having TS would make his time with Piandao even kore meaningful because he really struggles to keep his hands still so sword fighting does not come naturally to him

Piandao loves it though because it just makes Sokka even more clever and resourceful and he takes his time with Sokka, helping him as much as he can and never getting angry or anything when he can’t stand still

He also added more to what Sokka learned from the Kyoshi Warriors about incorporating his TS into his fighting and using it to his advantage

Not only was his sword an extension of his arm, but his TS was an extension as well

Did Toph and Aang help Sokka incorporate his tics into their scams? Yes, yes they did

Zuko joining the team was weird for Sokka because they kind of just clicked and he realized that they both have a weird thing with touch

On the balloon to Boiling Rock, Sokka is just comfortable around Zuko and his tics are like “cool yeah, have a break” and so he doesn’t tic and Zuko just “why aren’t you ticcing?”

and Sokka is ??? “Huh?”

and Zuko “You usually tic but you aren’t now. Why?”

and Sokka essentially explains that TS is weird and random and sometimes it happens, sometimes it doesn’t, but he’s really comfortable and calm so his body is like “ye, let’s chill for now”

and Zuko is like “oh. that’s good. I kinda miss it though”

and Sokka d i e s because what?? Someone likes his tics enough to miss them? Like, they don’t annoy Zuko and he doesn’t tune them out?

and the bender goes on to explain that he likes the noises, they remind him that he is doing the right thing and that he’s here and he didn’t hurt team Avatar and they’re just comfortable / pleasing to the ear

and Sokka DIES

but then Zuko is like mmm maybe you should stay in the balloon and I’ll go to Boiling Rock and Sokka got pissed because he thinks Zuko said it because he’s a nonbender and he starts panicking and ticcing and Zuko panics and kind of just grabs his hand and Sokka... Sokka doesn’t hate it? Like, it feels nice and doesn’t agitate him?

but Zuko was like no I mean because everyone in the Fire Nation guard knows about the guy on team Avatar with TS and I don’t want you to get hurt

At one point in the prison courtyard, Sokka verbally tics really loudly about the moon and some guards hear and head to where they are so Zuko covers for him by screaming about how much he loves the moon

One of the worst moments in Sokka’s life was when Toph was falling and he grabbed her, but he wanted to tic and he knew that if he did, Toph would fall and die and he couldn’t do that, he couldn’t

(he still has nightmares about it happening)

when Sokka becomes an ambassador, some people are pissed because well 1) Watertribe 2) he’s a child 3) they suck 4) they think he’s distracting with his tics and Zuko is not here for it so he will destroy them

Like one time (after they started dating) Zuko overheard some councilors mocking Sokka’s tics and he got PISSED like so pissed and he went off and the found Sokka and hugged him because he is allowed to

oh! Sokka and Zuko’s thing is like hand-holding okay? They both kind of hate it because weird touch stuff, but it’s okay when they do it to each other?? Like, it feels right and like they’re completed and whole and it’s nice

before they start dating, they kind of do it a lot. Like, night before Zuko’s coronation, Sokka finds Zuko and he’s freaking out because what if he ends up like his dad and Sokka kind of just... grabs his hand and they sit there

Sokka is panicking because chronic pain and the cold of home makes it worse and Zuko finds him crying in the library and just... holds his hand

Zuko keeps little things on him all the time like paperclips and paper and writing utensils and things that click and buttons and stuff so if Sokka looks stressed during a meeting he can slip something under the table to him so he can play with it

Sokka also draws a lot during meetings, like, he doesn’t look at anyone throughout the whole meeting, even when he talks. He is able to focus more and pay more attention when he is doing something with his hands so he draws and doodles and sometimes takes notes

Sometimes he just writes the same word or sentence over and over again throughout the whole meeting

Sokka has sensory issues and a lot of noise stresses him out

It’s kind of the opposite of Zuko’s sensory issues? Like, Zuko doesn’t like loud noises and Sokka doesn’t like kind of static-y noises, like... when things sound muffled or muted or people are talking kind of quietly over each other

(Zuko definitely gives Sokka massages when his tics hurt a lot)

Random, but after awhile “yip yip” became a verbal tic of Sokka’s. Sometimes, he would say “you need to yip yip” and then he’d apologize to Appa and tell him that he’s yipping just fine

Toph is kind of like Zuko in how she likes Sokka’s verbal tics

She can’t see-see, but hearing his tics is nice sometimes, especially when she worries

She likes falling asleep to some of his tics

Even though Katara and Zuko are allowed to touch him whenever they want, more often than not they ask first because friendship is magic

Suki is lovely, okay? Like, just her presence is enough to make him feel better and she approaches helping him in a different way, she just talks to him and asks him questions to help him take his mind off of it

Sokka really doesn’t hate his TS, like, yeah, sometimes it pisses him off more than he can even explain, but it’s a part of him and as much as he cherishes when he can sit still, it’s wrong, it’s not him? He sits weirdly in chairs and changes his position every two minutes, he rocks his legs in his sleep, he sometimes even finds his own tics grounding...

Over time and with help from his friends, he learned to not be ashamed and that having TS didn’t make him ant less of a warrior

also, he, Toph, and Zuko are the disabled club✌🏻(and it makes them feel better sometimes in their own little way)

I have a lot more I could say but this is already pretty long, so I’ll end this sweet with Katara is amazing and Sokka’s relationship with her is wonderful and she knows how to help him with his tics in the way that Zuko does and can help center him like no one else and Sokka just loves her so much

Okay! Ah! That was kind of a lot but I hope you like them! Anyone can feel free to add more to this or lemme know if you have any ideas!

Thank you for the ask! I enjoyed writing these:)

[lemmeaskthedevil]

Okay so this song plays at the end of 5x11 and of course, the gist of it is just about changes and the 118 getting new members, but I feel like it can relate to Buck a lot when you take a closer look at the words.

Part 1:

Still don't know what I was waitin' for And my time was runnin' wild A million dead-end streets

Buck tries to get into a relationship shortly after Eddie starts dating Ana. The conversation about meaningful relationships comes to mind here. He's rushing to get into a relationship in the same timeframe as everyone else (season 2 and season 4) and it ends up being a dead-end because none of the relationships are truly what Buck wants.

Part 2:

and Every time I thought I'd got it made It seemed the taste was not so sweet

His relationship with Taylor seems like it's going well at first (not really, but enough for him to ignore it), but after she almost leaves without telling him, says I love you when Buck does the thing he doesn't want to do to get her attention, and then Eddie tells him to move on so he kisses Lucy and cheats on Taylor, it's more apparent to Buck that his relationship isn't working out but he still ignores it. He doubles down on the relationship and the situation gets worse when Bobby hires Lucy. (We don't know how this will play out but Buck can not ignore his mistakes if she's there.)

Part 3:

So I turned myself to face me But I've never caught a glimpse How the others must see the faker I'm much too fast to take that test

There's the concept of "faker", which Buck has always been good at (I hide my true feelings from others), except when it comes to Eddie and Maddie. However, the people that know him the best aren't exactly there to say "hey you're struggling and I can see that" because they are also struggling. Buck is doing a good job at hiding how much pain he is in from others. And even when Hen tells him to be honest with Taylor, but still lies. He's not ready to confront how much pain he's in.

Part 4: Ch-ch-changes There's gonna have to be a different man Time may change me But I can't trace time

"There's gonna have to be a different man" relates to buck and all his upgrades. He's changing, sure, but he still has a long way to go before he can have a healthier relationship with his self-worth. Buck is going to have to be honest with himself about how much pain he is in eventually, but "time may change me but I can't trace time" fits what he's doing now very well. He's obviously being affected by what's happening around him. He's not acknowledging how much he's been affected by the shooting, Maddie and Chim leaving, and Eddie leaving the 118 because he thinks it's selfish. He resorts to behavior that's familiar to him, Buck 1.0, because that's one way he can feel something that isn't entirely negative just for a moment and then punish himself later that relates only to himself (because kissing Lucy is still Buck punishing himself, but similar to the dangerous rescues and the self-sacrificing behavior, there's a moment where it feels good).

[kissinginkitchens]

You Bring Me Home — Chapter One: Flightless Bird, American Mouth

a/n: I've been working on this story for mooonths now and I'm so excited to finally share it with the world! It's heavily inspired by Harry's Behind the Album mini doc, except I changed the setting to Hawai'i because I've personally spent some time there and as they say, write what you know! YBMH takes place in the period between One Direction's hiatus and Harry's first album/tour, but with that being said, this is entirely a work of fiction and some events don't follow the true timeline. Thank you so much for taking the time to read my little story, I hope you love it as much as I do! It will be updated every Friday at 5 PM PST. My inbox is open, so feel free to talk to me once you've finished reading! I'd love to hear from you :) Much love, Mel <3

Pairing: Hawai'i!Harry x Original Character

Warnings: swearing

Word Count: 5.5k

May, 2016

Harry watches LAX get smaller through the airplane window and visualizes all of his worries stuck at the terminal gate, their magnitude also diminishing as he takes flight. He sinks lower in his seat and skims through playlists on his phone when a nagging feeling at the back of his mind pulls his attention away from the screen. Looking up from the song choices, he spots a cell phone quickly lowered from his line of vision and a girl with flushed cheeks who quickly averts her gaze. Harry shoots a tight-lipped smile in her direction and goes back to his phone with a sigh. The days when he could roam the streets freely without fear of recognition—or worse, harassment—feel like an entirely different lifetime. He sometimes imagines that he’ll wake up back in his childhood bed as if the past five years had all been a dream, but he never does. In fact, his privacy and anonymity seem to dwindle with each minute of radio play that One Direction receives. It’s a bittersweet pill to swallow, but one he hopes will go down easier with some time in the Hawaiian sun.

His close friend and new manager, Jeff Azoff, had suggested the vacation as soon as the band privately agreed to take a hiatus.

“You’ll go home for a few weeks,” his voice had crackled through the speakers of Harry’s phone. “Visit your mom and Gem, lay low for a while until the smoke blows over,”

Harry mulled it over in his mind, eyes flickering over the rolling landscape outside of the tour bus window.

“Then what?”

“Then you go for a little vacation. The label offered to cover a house in Hawaii so you can start working on the album,”

“Alone?”

Jeff chuckled lightly on the other end before responding. “I mean, if that’s what you want,”

“No,” Harry corrected. “You and Tom should come. Mitch and Bhasker, too,”

“The dream team,”

“And there’ll be a studio there?”

“Yes,” Jeff started, almost hesitant. “But I don’t want you to think about that too much,”

“But you said the label—"

“I also said vacation. Look, Rob said ‘it will all happen in due time,' did he not?”

Harry twisted the rose ring around his finger, tracing over the silver petals and thinking back to his conversation with the CEO of Sony Music, Rob Stringer. Upon the proposal of his debut solo album, Rob had told him that the most important ingredient for a successful debut would be patience. The singer had agreed in the moment, but every day not spent in the studio felt like a test he hadn’t studied hard enough for.

“Yeah.”

“So you take the free vacation,” Jeff suggested. “You go out, live, get some writing material. Maybe mess around with some tunes. And then we come back to L.A. and get to work. But until then, I just want you to focus on taking it easy.”

So take it easy he had. Or at least he had tried to when he was back home in England. Harry quickly grew restless after what felt like the millionth awkward conversation with past friends and acquaintances, all of which eventually led to the topic of One Direction and it’s unexpected hiatus. After one month at home, his mind and journal were full of ideas for songs, things that he wanted to say before he lost his nerve. One night as he tossed and turned in bed, he shot Jeff a text, just two words that would kick off a three month getaway to the Big Island of Hawai'i:

I’m ready.

********

“Sounds great, I'll go put in your order.” Alani offers sweetly, trying not to overdo it with the customer service voice. After waiting on the family at her designated table, she heads back to the kitchen and finds her younger sister, Pua, crouched in the corner taking what appears to be a serious phone call.

“I don’t know, I just saw it!” Her sister cries in a hushed tone. “Where do you think he’s going?”

“Is everything okay?” Alani cuts in with concern.

Pua whispers into the speaker before bringing the phone to her shoulder.

“Harry Styles was just spotted on a plane this morning,”

“Who?”

“The guy from One Direction,” her sister explains with a hint of irritation in her voice. “The band who sings that song you secretly like, ‘Fireproof,'”

Alani vaguely recalls the melody, but she waits expectantly for Pua to elaborate. “And this is news because…”

“Because the band just broke up, so where could he possibly be going?”

"The unemployment office?”

Pua rolls her eyes and returns to her phone call while Alani envelops her in a tight hug.

“I’m just kidding!” Alani apologizes, squeezing tighter despite her sister’s attempts to break free. “I’m sure he’ll be living off of royalty checks until he’s, like, eighty,”

“Get off me, freak!” Pua cries out, finally breaking the embrace.

Alani clutches her chest and pulls out an invisible knife. “Ouch. I’m telling Harry you said that,”

“This is exactly why I don’t tell you things.” the younger sister huffs, storming out of the kitchen through the employee entrance where Alani’s best friend, Maleah, has just arrived.

“Looks like someone forgot to eat their Cheerios today,” she remarks, tying her curls into a high ponytail.

Alani shrugs and leans against the counter. “She’s going through something. Just discovered that boys in pop bands are, in fact, just regular boys.”

“Poor thing,” Maleah frowns. “We all have to learn eventually.”

********

The sky is a blend of cotton candy pink and burnt orange when Alani returns home from the café with a strawberry smoothie in tow. She empties the mailbox and sorts through the various bills and advertisements, but her stomach drops when she sees a familiar return address label. After a quick greeting to her excited dog who waits at the door, Alani bolts up the stairs and quietly shuts the bedroom door behind her. Breathe, she reminds herself before tearing into the envelope and discarding it onto the wooden floor.

Dear Ms. Hale,

We are very grateful to have received your submission to Rolling Stone magazine. However, we regret to inform you—

She doesn’t read the rest, slumping to the floor in defeat. The sixth rejection letter from Rolling Stone lies crumpled at Alani’s feet and she kicks it across the room with a frustrated grunt. She had worked for over two months perfecting her analysis of Joni Mitchell’s Big Yellow Taxi and its allusions to the environmental impact of urban development in Hawaii. As part of her initial research, Alani had even traveled to both the Royal Hawaiian hotel in Honolulu, which is the famous Pink Hotel mentioned in the song, and Foster Botanical Garden that Mitchell referred to as “the tree museum.” She was certain that her effort and persistence would result in at least a consideration. The second third time's the charm! Maleah had joked watching Alani submit the piece. Six articles in the span of two years, each one facing the same rejection despite the increased effort Alani had put in over time. The fact that the rejection letter hadn’t changed over the course of the two years brings an incredulous smile to her face, and her stomach turns when she considers that the editors probably hadn’t even read her work, anyway. All that effort, she thinks to herself, all that time, for nothing.

“It will take time,” her favorite professor, Dr. Hudson, had reassured her three months after the Joni Mitchell article was submitted. “Every great writer faced countless rejection until that one piece. Yours will come. Keep your eyes open and your pen ready.”

Alani sighs and lifts herself off the floor, choosing to crawl into her unmade bed instead of slumping onto the hardwood. She hears a soft scratching at the door before her King Charles Spaniel, Freddie, pads into the room.

“Come here, bubs,” Alani whispers. He obeys and burrows into the duvet, giving her temple a gentle lick before nuzzling into the nape of her neck.

“You still love me, right?” she asks, voice cracking. “Even if I’m a failure?”

Freddie sniffs her ear in response.

********

“Right,” Harry says, his tongue peeking from the corner of his mouth as he reads the map. “No, left, sorry,”

“Do you actually know how to read a map?” Jeff teases, correcting the turn.

Harry pouts in response, his brows furrowing. “In my defense, we’re literally in the middle of fucking nowhere,”

“There are worse places to be,” Mitch pipes up from the back seat. “England, for example, where they say things like ‘litchrally’,”

“Very well said, Mitchell,” Jeff Bhasker adds with a fake British accent of his own.

Harry turns to his friends in the back seat with a finger pointed like an agitated mother. “If you lot don’t shut up, I’m gonna lead us to a volcano and push you in,”

“Where are we even going? I forgot,” Tom complains.

“To get food,” his manager responds from the driver’s seat. “I think,”

“Why can’t we just stop there?” Mitch asks pointing to a café pulling up on their right.

Jeff merges into the turning lane quickly without a second thought. “Good enough for me, I’m starving.”

“Sorry, H.” Mitch pats his friend on the shoulder.

Harry scoffs. “You’re the one who wanted poke.”

The Aloha Nui Loa Café is much more spacious than the exterior suggests, yet it still feels cozy. The walls are painted sage green and adorned with various local art pieces, as described by the plaques that accompany them. A skylight fills the center of the room with plenty of warm lighting, leaving the space along the walls in a bit more shade for an intimate feel. In one corner, a hanging disco ball leaves freckles of sparkling light along the walls where the sunlight hits, making the whole image very idyllic in Harry’s mind. As if he couldn’t enjoy the setting more, he hears the beginning of an Otis Redding song that he’s had stuck in his head drift through the restaurant speakers.

“Welcome in!” a voice calls, which pulls him from his survey of the room. His head whips to the source—a girl around his age with wavy, dark hair and honey skin. “For here or to go?”

Harry takes a hesitant step up to the counter. “For here,”

She smiles warmly and pulls some menus from under the counter. “How many in your party?”

“Five.”

“Great, follow me.”

Harry and his friends follow the waitress to the corner of the room under the disco ball and take their seats at the round table.

“My name is Alani,” she introduces herself, setting the menus down. “I’ll be serving you today. Can I get you started with some drinks?”

Harry continues scanning the restaurant while his group orders. His eyes land on the shirt that Alani is wearing, a white tee with the words “Enjoy Health, Eat Your Honey” in blue lettering that surrounds a picture of a cartoon bee.

“Harry,” Jeff says gently, catching his drifting attention.

The singer turns to his manager, who nods to Alani waiting with a pen pressed to her notepad. Harry feels a rush of embarrassment creep across his cheeks and he clears his throat to cover it.

“Just water,” he says, eyes glued to the menu. “Thanks.”

“You got it.” Alani nods, flashing a toothy grin at the rest of the group before turning back to the kitchen. Harry. Her mind repeats, finding a hint of familiarity, though she doesn’t know why.

When Alani arrives at the drink station, she finds her sister staring at her, mouth agape, while Maleah unsuccessfully conceals her laughter.

“What?” she questions, checking herself for any embarrassing stains or smells.

“You were—and he—” Pua stammers. “He was—and then he—”

“That’s Harry Styles,” Maleah translates, her voice hushed as she peers over her friend's shoulder.

Alani turns to steal a glance at the table she just seated, but Pua and Maleah latch onto her and shake their heads frantically.

“Don’t look!” her sister hisses.

Alani smirks, amused at their reactions. “No shit. That’s One Direction?”

Maleah snorts, clasping a hand over her mouth as Pua huffs. “No, dumbass! It’s just Harry. I don’t know who the other guys are,”

“But the blonde guy? That’s not—?”

“No!” Pua and Maleah giggle in unison.

“Okay, geez,” Alani relents. She manages to steal a quick glance at the table over her shoulder, immediately searching for Harry. Her eyes scan over the long, curly hair kept out of his face by a pair of white sunglasses that she had seen on Kurt Cobain once. All of his features are sharp and striking, from his pointed nose and defined jawline to the bright blue eyes. Or maybe they were grey? Alani wonders, trying to remember the exact shade. He doesn’t look anything like the fresh-faced teeny bopper she’d had in mind, the one from a music video her sister had shown her a long time ago. She would have never guessed that the What Makes You Beautiful singer had so much dark ink trailing down his bicep and forearm, though her knowledge of One Direction was very limited.

“What did he order?” Pua questions, her eyes wide.

Alani quickly snaps back to reality and resumes filling the drinks. “A water,”

“Oh my god,” Maleah swoons. “I’m never drinking anything else ever again,”

“I didn’t even know you liked him,” Alani teases with an eyebrow raised.

Maleah sneaks another peek at the table and catches her lower lip between her teeth. “I mean, I didn’t really think so either but look at him. What a fucking dream,”

Harry was objectively handsome, this Alani could admit, but she personally didn’t see the appeal and had a strong feeling that he was just like every other male celebrity. The fact that he hadn’t even bothered to make eye contact with her only served as further proof of what she knew to be true.

“Okay, well, your dreamboat is waiting for his water. So excuse me,” Alani winks, making her way back to the table.

The singer spots Alani returning out of the corner of his eye and the sight of her causes a strange flutter in the pit of his stomach that makes him want to duck for cover. Instead, he pulls his phone from his back pocket and pretends to be occupied with something on the screen.

“Okay,” she greets, setting the drink tray down. “I have a Blue Hawaii, a Mango Mama, two Loco Cocos, and a water,”

The group graciously accepts their drinks with a chorus of “thank you," but the only one under Alani’s scrutiny is Harry. He still doesn’t meet her almond eyes, and though she figured he wouldn’t, she can’t help the inkling of disappointment that washes over her. After taking their meal orders, Alani heads back to the kitchen, checking on her other customers along the way. Harry’s eyes follow her and he observes the way customers light up at her presence, indulging her conversation with laughter. He watches as she lingers by the jukebox in one corner of the room, a detail he had missed in his initial scan, and waits anxiously to see what song she chooses. Baby I’m-a Want You begins softly and Harry feels the corner of his lip curl ever so slightly. Good choice, he thinks.

********

“He’s still here,” Pua muses, peering through the tiny window in the kitchen door. It had been nearly two hours and the five men were still seated around their table cracking jokes and doing a lot of talking with their hands.

Alani doesn’t look up from her bowl of sliced kiwis, offering a hum in response. “And what do you want me to do about that?”

“Nothing,” Pua shoots back. “Don’t bother him,”

“What kind of girls do you think he’s into?” Maleah asks, attempting to peek through the window.

Alani shrugs, bored of the conversation and of thinking about Harry. “I don’t know, but I’ll bet he’s a real sucker for the ones who stalk him while he’s eating,”

“How does he make eating a salad look hot?”

“Can we talk about something else now?” Alani whines, poking holes in a lone kiwi with her fork.

Pua tosses a wet dish rag in her sister’s direction and cheers when it lands in her face. “Go see if he wants more water, he looks thirsty.”

“I already refilled it,” Alani defends. “Twenty minutes ago. I’ve refilled it a hundred times, I’m surprised he hasn’t peed his pants.”

I’m gonna piss myself. Harry thinks, his right leg bouncing to distract himself. He really wasn’t all that thirsty, but he couldn’t stop himself from finishing each glass of water that Alani placed in front of him. He really wasn’t all that thirsty, but he couldn’t stop himself from finishing each glass of water that Alani placed in front of him. Like clockwork, she would return to fill his glass almost as soon as the last drop had been drained, and so what began as a little experiment slowly turned into a bladder hazard. But if the trend was to be trusted, she would be back any minute and he wasn’t going to miss it; afterall, there were only so many ways to casually linger in a small café without making it weird. Unable to bear it any longer, he heads to the restroom and hopes that Alani doesn’t clear their table before he has a chance to see her again.

Harry pads down the back hallway with his eyes cast down at the floor, which proves to be a mistake when he walks directly into another person.

“Sorry!” they both apologize quickly, Harry’s palm taking purchase on the other person’s upper arm.

“I wasn’t paying attention,” he offers, finally meeting the dark, mocha eyes already looking back at him.

Alani presses her lips into a tight smile. “Me either,”

Harry’s heartbeat picks up when he realizes it’s her, and he isn’t aware of how close they’re standing until he detects the faint scent of kiwi on her breath. He takes a step back and rakes a hand through his hair.

“So I guess I’ll just—”

“Yeah, sure.”

Green. Alani notes to herself. His eyes are green.

********

Shortly after Harry returned from the restroom, him and his friends settled their bill and headed out. Alani cleared their table and her eyes nearly fell out of her head when she saw the hefty tip left behind. The word mahalo was also left behind on the receipt, underlined twice, and she wondered if it was his handwriting.

Later that night, she settled into bed with her laptop and hesitantly typed his name into Google. As she expected, countless articles about the split of One Direction emerged, most of them speculating what was next for each member. To her surprise, however, Harry’s name seemed to be mentioned more than his fellow bandmates as various sources labeled him “the next Justin Timberlake” and rising star of the group. Upon further investigation, she learned that the demand for information about the elusive Harry Styles was high, especially concerning any possible solo music. No news had yet been confirmed by Styles himself, nor anyone claiming to represent him, but she still wondered if his presence in Hawaii had anything to do with a possible solo project. Almost as soon as she thought it, Alani dismissed the theory in favor of the idea that he was most likely just taking a vacation. And from the buzz that she saw surrounding the news about One Direction, she couldn’t blame him.

The more Alani read, the more she wanted to know, and something deep down told her that his was a story worth telling. Of course, the only problem was that she had hardly talked to him, and there were only so many things she could say about the fifteen glasses of water he downed. There was no way of knowing if she would ever see him again, either, or if he was merely stopping in Hilo on his way to another island or somewhere else entirely. Alani sighed, thinking back to her most recent rejection from Rolling Stone. She knew that there was no possible way she would ever see or talk to Harry ever again, and even if she did, why would he bare his entire soul to a stranger? Still, she let her mind wander through the possibility.

Dear Ms. Hale, the letter would read, we are very grateful to have received your submission to Rolling Stone magazine and are pleased to inform you that your piece on Harry Styles will be featured in next month’s issue. Additionally, we would be honored to have you on staff, effective immediately.

It was far-fetched, Alani knew this, but she dozed off that night with endless ideas swimming in her head.

********

By the third day after his visit, the only trace of Harry is in Alani’s search history. She would have completely forgotten about him if it weren’t for her sister’s constant reminiscing and multiple attempts to rename the house salad to the “Harry Special.” As a result, a part of Alani’s thoughts periodically linger back to that day and the subsequent hours spent on Google that she’d rationalized as research instead of stalking. Somehow the knowledge that she’ll never see him again only adds fuel to the questions still burning in her mind, but a customer clearing their throat while she sorts menus below the hostess podium interrupts her thoughts.

“Welcome in!” She calls, standing. “What can I—”

She stops in her tracks, unable to believe her eyes. Harry blinks and waits for her to continue.

“What can I get started for you?” Alani tries again, hoping that he hadn’t noticed her shock. Luckily for her, Harry had been too focused on choosing his next words to register her mistake.

“What’s in the Honu smoothie?” he asks, mentally kicking himself for asking such a stupid question when the menu just inches above her head clearly spells it out.

Alani hums, thinking back to the times she had made the smoothie herself. “Kiwis, spinach, mango, avocado, and a hint of lime,”

“I’ll take one of those,” Harry says, reaching for his wallet.

Alani punches in the order with trembling fingers and nods. “For here or to go?”

“To go,”

Disappointment fills her chest. Sure, she hadn’t planned on seeing him ever again, but the fact that she did felt like a sign. If she wanted to take the chance, she’d have to do it fast.

“Anything else?” she asks, weighing her options while he skims the menu.

“No thanks.”

Alani makes the smoothie quickly, head spinning. She had spent most of the night after their initial meeting planning out exactly the type of questions she hoped to ask him and what kind of article she would write. She was used to writing about what she knew—artists and music she’d admired for years— but she figured that starting fresh with someone she hardly knew would be a good challenge. Not to mention that it seemed like just the thing Rolling Stone would jump for. Alani finally works up the courage as she finishes his smoothie, but when she returns to hand it to him and hopefully strike up a conversation, his ear is pressed to his cell phone. She holds out the drink and he graciously accepts, giving her a small nod as a “thank you” and rushing out of the restaurant.

Two days later he returns and is seated at the counter, typing away on his phone. Alani feels both a rush of optimism and annoyance at the universe for dangling his presence so unexpectedly. She starts heading over to him, but Maleah cuts in.

“Trade me?” she proposes, eyes wide.

Alani blinks. “Oh, I would but I—”

“Please,” her best friend pouts. “I’m leaving to see my grandparents in stupid California for two months. Who knows when I’ll get the chance to see him again?”

Alani sighs, but gives in, reluctantly exchanging Harry for the family of four seated by the window. A strange feeling settles into the pit of his stomach when he sees that she heads in the opposite direction after a hushed conversation with another waitress. He doesn’t know why she traded him for a different customer, but he takes the hint.

A week goes by without another sighting of Harry and Alani has permanently taken on the role of greeting hostess in hopes of seeing him again. Her heartbeat temporarily speeds up when she sees a long haired customer approach the door, but her spirits quickly fall when the face doesn’t match his.

Another week brings another disappointing realization that Harry might be gone for good. One rainy morning when the restaurant is quiet and only two customers huddle together in a booth near the back, Alani hunches over the hostess podium and doodles on a stray receipt— a sunflower, a crescent moon, and two hearts. The bell above the door jingles but she doesn’t look up, too absorbed in her scribbles.

“Do you serve coffee?”

The familiar accented voice stops Alani’s pen dead in its tracks. She lifts her eyes first to confirm, and then straightens up when she sees that her ears haven’t deceived her.

“Yes,” she swallows.

“Great. I’ll take it to go,”

She slightly deflates, but Harry thinks he’s reading too much into it.

“Actually,” he corrects anyway, just in case he isn’t. “I think I’ll stay for a while,”

Alani flashes a warm smile and nods in the direction of the counter. “Right this way,”

Harry sheds his windbreaker onto the back of the seat, revealing a black and white Rolling Stones t-shirt that makes Alani’s blood pressure rise. A sign, she thinks.

“What do you want in your coffee?” she questions carefully.

“Nothing,” he responds, shaking out his damp hair gently. “Or actually, uh, butter...if you have some,”

Alani blinks, not sure if she’d heard correctly or if there had been some transatlantic miscommunication.

“Butter?”

“Yeah,”

“Like the—”

“Spread, yeah,” Harry confirms. “It’s weird, I know,”

She lets out a light-hearted laugh and nods. “It’s a...unique request,”

“I thought the same thing at first,” Harry confides. “It’s not bad, actually. But maybe I’ve just been in L.A. for too long.”

“I’ll take your word for it.”

She offers a polite smile and heads to the kitchen where the cook and two other waiters talk amongst each other. Alani is grateful that the restaurant is slow this morning because she knows that it means minimal interruptions to her time with Harry. To ensure this, though, she asks one of the other waiters to cover the podium and returns to Harry with his coffee.

“One butter coffee, free of judgement,” the waitress announces, setting it down.

Harry grins softly, stirring the drink with the spoon Alani provided. “You can judge, it’s alright,”

“I just wanna know why,”

The coffee had been part of a fad diet while on tour in order to boost Harry’s energy on stage and stay trim for the hundreds of photo-ops he would be a part of. He doesn’t know how to communicate all of this to Alani, however, not sure how much she knows about that part of him, so he shrugs and tells a simplified version of the truth.

“I read about this trend a while back, it's called bulletproof coffee. Supposed to get your energy up and I needed it for my job,”

“Which is…” Alani trails off, downplaying the knowledge that she had acquired from Google.

“I make music,” is all Harry says and he takes a sip of the drink to avoid elaborating.

“Anything I would have heard?”

He swallows hard and listens to the faint rumbling of thunder outside before replying. “Possibly,”

“Try me,” Alani challenges.

He narrows his eyes and takes another sip of coffee. “Why don’t you tell me something about yourself first?”

“What do you wanna know?”

Everything, Harry responds internally, though he reigns it in. “How you got into waitressing,”

Alani sighs, resting her elbows on the counter across from him. “There’s not much to tell, it’s a family business. What I really wanna do is write,”

“Music?”

“Articles. I’m studying Journalism at UH,”

Harry hums in response, filing the detail away in the back of his mind. “Sounds interesting. You ever publish anything?”

“Not yet,” Alani shakes her head gently, toying with the sleeves of her green University of Hawaii crewneck. “Hopefully soon, though,”

Harry racks his brain for something else to say, but before he can, Alani speaks up again.

“Is it my turn to ask something now?”

He offers a curt nod and stirs his coffee.

“What kind of music do you write?”

Harry chooses to be vague again. “Different stuff. Pop, usually. Been messing with some classic rock, though,”

“Explains the shirt,”

He peers down at the design on his tee and agrees. “Yeah, I guess so,”

“Do you like it?” Alani asks, her eyes begging to make contact with his again. “Writing music, I mean,”

“Yeah,” Harry confirms, tapping his spoon against the rim of the mug. “I really do,”

Alani’s heart pounds. This is her chance, a moment to finally secure her breakthrough piece. She doesn’t know how to approach it, so she opts to dive right in without looking back. The worst he can say is no.

“Can I ask you something else?”

“That’s cheating,” Harry teases lightly. “It's my turn,”

She pouts playfully, but obliges. “Fire away,”

Harry doesn’t know which question to ask first, but when he glances down at the crescent moon inked on her wrist, he decides to start there.

“What’s with the moon tattoo?”

Alani isn’t sure what she expected him to ask and wonders what purpose such a detail could possibly serve him, but she answers anyway.

“Oh, well,” she begins, tracing her index finger over the outline. “It’s kinda the meaning of my full name. It’s Mahealani, Hawaiian for ‘heavenly moon,'”

Fitting, Harry comments to himself. Every detail he learns about her makes him want to learn that much more, from her favorite foods to the last thing she thinks about before falling asleep. Studying her expectant eyes, he suddenly remembers that it’s his turn to respond.

“That’s cool,” is all he says.

Alani doesn’t know what to make of the faraway look in his eye, but she decides to pose her most burning question while he appears to be in good spirits.

“I know this is gonna sound totally out of the blue,” she starts, working past the lump in her throat. “But when you mentioned how you write music, I was just reminded of this assignment I’m working on in my class,”

Harry waits for her to continue, nursing his now lukewarm coffee.

“I’m supposed to write a piece about someone who I don’t know that well,” she continues. “You know, to practice our interviewing skills. And, well, I was just kind of wondering if you might be interested in helping me out—being the subject, I mean,”

Alani had every intention of telling Harry the truth, about how she really planned to submit the article to Rolling Stone in hopes of securing an internship before her college graduation next Spring. But as she started speaking, she quickly realized how it would come off: a complete stranger asking for personal information to submit to a well-known publication. She knew that there was a chance he would shut down and never return, so she lowered the stakes and hoped that this route would be less risky. Was it ethical? Alani hadn’t decided yet, but she would work out the details later. After six failed articles and two years of rejection, she saw a ray of hope and wasn’t going to let it slip away.

Harry ponders her offer for a moment, which confirms that she had recognized him. Normally he would be off-put by such a request, and to a certain extent he is, but there is something sincere in her voice that he trusts deep down. Before he agrees, however, he decides to fish around a bit to test her reaction.

“You know who I am,” he says gently. “Don’t you?”

Alani’s heart drops into the pit of her stomach, not sure what to say next. She hopes with every fiber of her being that she hasn’t upset him, or worse, ruined her chances, so she decides to offer some truth to throw him off her scent.

“My sister recognized you,” she explains. “That day you came in with your friends. I thought they were your bandmates at first,”

This lets Harry know that she isn’t a total stalker, which is comforting, but he wouldn’t have been minded if she were a fan simply engaging in conversation.

“Oh,” he laughs weakly.

“I totally understand if you say no,” Alani offers quickly, trying to smooth things over. “I just thought it was worth a shot. And that it might be more interesting than interviewing our produce guy,”

Harry decides to give her one last scan for any sign of insincerity. He’d always felt that his gut instinct was strong and it hadn’t led him astray thus far.

“An interview?” he clarifies.

“Just one,” Alani promises. “An hour, tops. And you can proofread all of it once I’ve finished, too.”

Harry waits a beat, already knowing his reply, but he wants to see how she will react to his silence. She doesn’t budge, almond eyes set and determined.

“Okay.”

next chapter

[join-the-joywrite]

and I don't want to (but I love you)

@jatp-week Day 6: favourite trope

Not me doing a self-indulgent and stupidly long enemies to lovers au :>

Julie Molina didn't have enemies in her life. She had competitors, sure. Everyone did. But Sunset Curve took the whole cake. She didn't have enemies but Luke Patterson came dangerously close.

Luke Patterson, on the other hand, fully considered Julie Molina his number one enemy. He had zero qualms about saying that to her face and behind her back. He knew his band was the best but Julie had a real knack for knocking his ego down a bit and he hated her for it. Maybe he wouldn't get so riled up if she was nice about it or if not nice, she was less nasty and more stern. Honestly, it seemed like she took pleasure in criticizing Sunset Curve.

The rivalry between them extended to their bands and friend circles. Well, for the most part, anyway. Julie and Luke let Willie and Alex get away with their little forbidden lovers thing because they both thought the pair was cute together. It was pretty much the only thing they agreed on. Ever.

Willie only ever talked about Alex, not the band and Alex made sure to steer clear of mentioning Julie whenever he talked about Willie. The arrangement worked for all sides.

Julie and Luke's rivalry extended far beyond their music. It crept into their classes and had them fighting for the top spot. The teachers were thrilled. It meant Luke put in as much effort as he possibly could into every assignment or test. Even if it was out of pure spite, it was working.

And then, oh dear, and then there was a group project. Obviously, they split to opposite ends of the room with their friends to choose pairs (except Willie and Alex, who were shoved together and assured it was perfect) but apparently, it was important to learn how to work with people you dislike because in the workplace you might be forced to work with people you dislike -- or something like that.

Julie and Luke had never let their rivalry coerce them into doing stupid things -- except the one time where Carrie was convinced Luke could hold his breath longer and Julie almost drowned in the school pool to prove Carrie wrong -- but the moment they were paired up, Julie and Luke both wanted nothing more than to break several school rules, vandalism being the top one and starting violent fights being the second. It was unclear if they wanted to fight each other or their teacher.

Matters were made worse when their friends got to pair off together on their own terms while they were stuck with each other. The only thing keeping them from completely refusing to do any work was that they both were still competing for the highest scores.

Their friends had never been more entertained and the two opposing groups bonded over watching the two most stubborn people they knew suffer out a school project together. The clear awkwardness between them was hilarious and it was a pleasant thing to see them sitting at the same table and not trying to verbally murder each other. Bobby turned out to be the funniest person in the whole group. He had a meme-y caption for every moment they caught of Julie and Luke sitting near enough to have a normal conversation and the others loved it. He also seemed to be able to relate all the memes to the pair and was strangely good at photoshop, which earned him the Groupchat King title. (Julie and Luke were completely unaware of this groupchat excluding only them -- which, for the others' safety, was for the best.) Flynn's favourite was a photo of Julie with a feral look on her face, miming strangling a smug Luke. Me & 2020 was Bobby's winning caption. She wasn't sure which was which and that made it even better, in her opinion.

As the weeks passed, Julie and Luke's rivalry mellowed. As far as they said, it was still going strong but their actions told another story. There were playful nudges in the hallway, now. Teasing death glares across a classroom. Locked gazes and stifled giggles at inside jokes -- the fact that they even had those was surprising enough. They willingly shared a lunch table for the sole purpose of interrupting a mini date between Willie and Alex but most of it was spent in their own world anyway. Their mockery of each other had become gentler and more harmless teasing than anything.

And then one Tuesday, Luke didn't show up at school.

Of course, Luke's band knew exactly what was up, but they -- with support from Julie's friends -- decided it would be fun to play dumb and send Julie to Luke's house, just to check up on him, you know, despite the fact that the group project was long over and she really had no need to meddle further into Luke's life. The mere fact that Julie forgot she still had class and was seriously ready to leave immediately said a lot.

"I can promise you that it's really not as bad as it looks," Luke said from under several pillows, a puffy duvet and maybe three stuffed animals, "but there's no band practice today and I'm not coming to school tomorrow either so can one of you flick Julie's forehead for me? It's tradition."

"Band practice, huh?" Julie said, dropping her bag on the floor with a soft thud. "And here I thought you just had nothing more interesting going on in your life than disrupting mine."

Luke sat up fast enough that his head spun, his vision swam and two pillows fell off the bed. "Who told you where I live?"

"You did, dork. Here, I brought your homework and my dad's trying something out in the kitchen. He misread balf the recipe so it's the blandest thing I've ever tasted but if you're sick, it'll be good for you."

Luke responded to the bit that made sense. "I don't want bland food," he said, scrunching up his nose as Julie set a small stack of papers on the desk in the corner and walked up to him with a covered bowl.

"As if you'd know the difference. Your mom said you can't taste anything anyway."

"You talked to my mom?" Luke asked, looking mortified.

"Yeah, duh. What, did you think I climbed through your bedroom window? I don't care that much for you."

"Aww, I knew you cared for me."

Julie didn't respond to it. "So this is supposed to be a vegetable stew," she said, tapping the plastic wrap over the bowl, "but like I said, mistakes were made."

"Well, what is it then?" Luke asked, leaning over to peer at the bowl.

"I'd call it . . . semi-flavoured water with surprise veggies."

"Joy."

"I know, right? Anyway, I'll leave you to your . . . pillow fort? Cute stuffies. I have the same penguin."

Luke glanced at the penguin that was still secured in his arm. "Don't you dare tell your friends. Especially not Flynn. She's ruthless."

"She is not. But fine, only because you're sick. I'll be back for my bowl tomorrow and it better be empty."

Luke watched Julie leave with a look of amazement. As soon as he heard his front door close, footsteps pattered through the hallway, leading up to his mother sticking her head in his room. "I like her."

"I'm going back to sleep," Luke said, diving back into the safety of all his pillows, wondering if it was the fever or Julie that set his cheeks blazing.

Probably the fever.

"Good afternoon, dork. Reggie says you said you liked the semi-flavoured water and my dad felt very appreciated by that so he's made some actual stew for you to try. It's beef stew this time so please don't get surprised. Did you do yesterday's homework? You should, because I brought today's. How do you feel?"

Luke, who had been staring at Julie with his mouth slightly open in a perfect picture of surprise, blinked when he realised she'd stopped speaking. "Don't you knock?!"

"Your mom said you were asleep and I could just leave everything here for you but you were awake so. . ." Julie trailed off, shrugging.

"You . . . you are so strange."

Julie shrugged as she set the homework down on the desk and walked up to the nightstand to put the covered bowl down in Luke's reach. "You need to come back to school. I feel bad bullying your friends."

"I'm sure they'll be glad to hear that," Luke said sarcastically. He paused for a second. "Yeah, I did the homework. Most of it. My mom said it'll help to get out of bed and do something. I tried to play the guitar but she was adamant I didn't do that something."

Julie nodded and walked back to Luke's desk. She rifled through the mess and picked up all the homework. "I'll finish this essay for you," she said almost absently, searching among the pages. "Please tell me you did your science homework. I got a lot of that wrong and no one wants to give me the answers because apparently, I should learn my work."

"Uh . . . yeah. Um, yeah, I did the science. Wh-- what do you mean 'do the essay' for me?"

Julie looked up as she gathered everything into a pile of messy and uneven papers. "It's on the African American civil rights movement. It's factual and ninety percent of the class will have the same essay anyway so--"

"No. No, I mean . . . why?"

"Oh. Uh . . . why not?"

Luke didn't have a response, so he fell silent.

"Well, that's all of yesterday's homework. Get some rest and then make sure you eat. I can't have my favourite punching bag get too weak to take a hit."

As Julie turned and left his room, Luke felt the sudden urge to scream, so instead, he slammed his burning face into his favourite penguin. Yes, she had called him a punching bag, but she'd also called him her favourite.

"Music class just isn't the same without booing you. Also, Alex said you managed to keep the beef stew down yesterday so my dad thought you could try something a little heavier. This is an experimental chicken and fried rice . . . thing. I do not reccomend eating unless you're sure you're okay enough for a full meal. That said, I brought more beef stew in case you're not up for the chicken and rice."

"You can't just walk in unannounced!" Luke cried as Julie set down the two bowls on the nightstand.

"I can, actually," Julie said, flashing a set of keys at Luke.

Luke's jaw dropped when he recognized the keychains. "Hey, those are mine!"

"Wow, so observant. Your mom gave it to me before I left yesterday because your dad is at work and she needed to go out today and with you holed up in here, there wouldn't be anyone to open for me."

Luke frowned. "Oh, yeah, she said something like that but I was half-asleep."

Julie was pleasantly surprised to find Luke's homework neatly gathered at the corner of the desk. It didn't escape her how Luke seemed to glow with pride when she commented on it. She had to fight a smile as she dropped Luke's homework into her bag.

"Get some rest, dork. If you need anything, don't hesitate to call someone from Sunset Swerve. I'll be busy."

"It's Sunset CURVE and you know it."

"Really? I never noticed."

Luke pouted. "Tuxedo Sam says you're being very mean right now. I'm sick and I deserve care."

"Well, you can tell your stupid penguin that Skipper will beat his ass."

"You named your penguin after the penguins from Madagascar?"

"You call yours Tuxedo Sam."

"Yeah, okay, that's fair."

Julie rolled her eyes and turned to leave. "Take a nap, Moody McSleeveless."

Luke glanced at the penguin laying nearby as he heard Julie lock up the house again. "Don't look at me like that, she's mean all the time."

"I BROUGHT CAKE!"

Luke scrambled up, launching Tuxedo Sam off the bed. "Who died?"

"No one died," Julie said, picking up the penguin as she walked up to Luke's bed. "It's Friday and since you're doing a little better, I thought you could do with a small treat. Tuxedo Sam agrees."

"Give me back my penguin," Luke said, reaching both arms out to Julie.

"Did you do yesterday's homework?"

"Yes."

"Did you really eat both bowls of food yesterday?"

"Yes."

"And keep it down?"

"Yes, ma'am, now can I please have my penguin back?"

Julie passed Luke the stuffed animal. "You're adorable," she blurted, turning away immediately to hide her own stunned look. She cleared her throat as she headed to the desk to grab Luke's homework. "So, that group project? We got a ninety-five."

That distracted Luke easily enough. "What happened to the other five?!"

"We're very bad at teamwork," Julie said, glancing back at Luke over her shoulder to see him relax against the pillows.

"Ah. That . . . makes sense."

Julie nodded. "Mhm."

The silence that blanketed the room wasn't as awkward as it should have been.

"I have to go. Most of the teachers said it would be okay to get your homework on Monday, but Mr Hughes is on my tail about your chemistry paper. My dad is making cupcakes tonight for some reason and I told Willie he could have some, so I'll send extra with him to give to Alex to give to you, but enjoy that crappy store cake for now. I left proper lunch with your mom for when you feel like it."

It didn't register that the only reason Mr Hughes would be harassing Julie about Luke's homework was if Julie herself had taken responsibility for Luke. Well, it did register, but by then, Julie was long gone and the only response Luke could muster was a muffled scream into poor Tuxedo Sam.

"Oh, ew, gross. Luke, it smells like the middle school locker room in here. What were you doing?"

Luke had never looked more sheepish in his life as he pointed to the canister on his nightstand -- right next to his alarm clock. "My phone went off about an hour ago and I thought it was the alarm so I did the smart thing and slammed it down but I missed. Obviously."

Holding her nose, Julie dropped everything she was carrying on Luke's table and tore the curtains open, pushing the windows as far as they could go. She stood there for a moment, relishing in the fresh air. "I'll come back inside when I can breathe," Julie said, halfway out the window.

Luke wanted to melt into his pillows. A week later and he was only feeling slightly better. The pros of it was that Julie visited every day with something tasty and a level of snark that only amused him. The cons of it was that Julie visited every day and left him flustered and red in the face.

He firmly believed that Julie only came by every day because she had homework to drop off, but today was Saturday. There was no more homework to drop off.

And she could have just backtracked right out the door again but instead, she headed for the windows on the other side of his room. Why?

Because she's taking care of you, dork.

Luke couldn't help but think that the logical voice in his head sounded suspiciously like Julie.

"Hey, my parents have some stupid couple's yoga thing on Saturdays. Did you break in?"

Julie pulled the windows halfway closed and stepped back into the room. "No, I still have your keys. Your dad tried to give me the spare key to the front door but your mom said it'll be fine if I kept yours until you're back on your feet."

"Wow. She really trusts you, huh?"

Julie shrugged. "I'm a very trustworthy person."

"No, you're not. I saw you lose a pen that you stuck behind your ear and then you proceeded to lose three more by tucking them behind your other ear and in your pockets. You then tried to steal mine."

"I was fourteen," Julie said defensively.

"It happened last week!"

"I felt fourteen."

Luke gave Julie a deadpan look.

"Cute pyjamas."

"I know, right? Bobby got us matching ones when we were like fifteen for band bonding. I mean, I grew out of the pants but the shirt still fits."

Julie scoffed as she stared at the dark haired cartoon smiling at her from the pink shirt. "Looks really good on you, Skip."

"Hey, I like being Skipper. She's Barbie's most intelligent sister."

"Oh, yeah?" Luke didn't even notice that Julie had made herself comfortable at the foot of his bed. "And if you're Skipper, who are the others?"

"Bobby is Chelsea, 'cause he's the youngest of us, Alex is Barbie, 'cause his summer jobs have been everywhere, and Reg is Stacie, 'cause she's Bobby's favourite and Bobby's favourite bandmate is Reg."

Julie's head tilted slightly. "You sound drunk."

"The bottle said one teaspoon of cough syrup but I didn't read and I took two tablespoons. It's okay, though. Mom panicked and called the doctor and he says the cough syrup he gave me is for kids and I'm just really, really, really intolerant. Which you should remember for me because I plan to be super famous with the band and there are gonna be a lot of after parties and I don't wanna get drunk five minutes in. I think the cough syrup is kicking in."

"Luke Patterson, you are unbelievable."

"I know, right?" He attempted a winning smile, but it came off as plain childlike.

Julie chastised herself for finding him adorable. They were mortal enemies and she had to remember that. Then what are you doing in his room on a Saturday, after explicitly telling the rest of his band to stay away?

Julie found it unnerving how much the voice in her head sounded like a teasing Luke.

"You're like, really annoying."

Julie frowned. "I -- I'm sorry?"

"You should be." Luke was sitting cross-legged now, fiddling with the ears of a stuffed bunny. "It's really messing with my head."

Julie decided she liked tipsy Luke -- even if it was just cough syrup. "How so?"

"No, it's nothing."

"You can tell me, Luke. I promised not to tell anyone about your stuffed animals and I kept it, right?"

"Yeah, but this time the secret about you. You're not allowed to know."

Curiosity more than anything made Julie lean forward slightly. "It'll be our secret."

"Okay, but you have to promise not to talk about it."

Julie nodded quickly. Luke tugged at the bunny's ears for a moment.

"You're like . . . really pretty."

Julie couldn't help the soft laugh that bubbled out of her. Adorable, she thought.

"Like, a lot of pretty. You're pretty on the inside, too."

"On the inside?"

"Yeah. On the inside. You know, your heart."

"M-my heart?"

Luke nodded at his stuffed rabbit. "Yeah. You have a really pretty heart. It beats like a drum. Making music. Like you."

Julie's mouth hung open, surprise silencing her.

"You have the prettiest music in you. I can hear it like -- like a song that gets stuck in my head all day. It's really annoying but it's so pretty. It smells like flowers and it looks like butterflies."

At this point, Julie didn't think she'd be able to speak, even if she knew what to say. Luke was talking to the stuffed animal, frowning as he struggled to voice his thoughts understandably.

"Sometimes it's just so loud and I wanna cover my ears and run away but it just gets louder and louder and then you come over and you're saying something mean but the music is there and it's not so loud anymore but I still can't hear anything else. Your heart sounds like a ballad."

Julie was frozen to her seat at the edge of the bed. Part of her wondered if it was Luke talking or the fever. Part of her desperately hoped it was Luke.

"Julie, you are music."

It was a simple sentence. Anyone could have said it. It could mean a lot or it could mean nothing at all. If anyone else had said it to her, she would have taken it as the highest form of a compliment. But that wasn't what Luke was saying.

Everyone knew that Luke spoke best through lyrics and chords. His books and desks were covered in etched notes and scribbled words. Luke lived and breathed music. It was everything to him. Without it, Luke didn't know who he was.

And he compared it to Julie.

Julie stared at the text on her phone. She bit her lower lip, unsure of what to say in response.

Mom said you visited yesterday. I was dazed for most of it. I didn't say anything stupid or incriminating, right? Not that anything could be more incriminating than the three stuffed animals on my bed.

Ten minutes after that, another had come through. Jules, are you ignoring me? Did I do something?

Then another five minutes later. This is still Julie Molina's number, right?

Julie quickly typed out something before she chickened out again and tossed her phone to the foot of her bed once it was sent.

Hey. Got busy in the kitchen with dad. No, you're good. See you at school tomorrow?

Julie scrambled for her phone to send one last word.

A few streets away, Luke stared at the word 'dork'. He was sure he had said something. He vaguely remembered yapping on about music to Julie -- duh, what else did they share? -- and then suddenly, she wasn't there anymore. He wondered if he'd fallen asleep talking and Julie had left then or if he really had said something to make her leave.

Yeah, he wrote back, see you at school.

Luke cornered Julie as soon as he caught sight of her in the school hallway. "You've been ignoring me and I don't like that."

Julie squeaked. "I most definitely am not ignoring you."

"Julie, you're pretty much the only person in this school that doesn't keep their phone on mute or vibrate. I know you heard my texts yesterday."

"So what if I am?" Julie asked, folding her arms. "We're not friends, so why should you care if I reply to your texts or not? In fact, why were you even messaging me in the first place?"

While Luke fumbled for a response, Julie slipped past him and continued on her way to class.

"Oh, that is just rude!" Luke yelled after Julie.

She ignored him all through any classes they shared and when lunch rolled around, she made sure to sit with Carrie and Flynn at a small table. Luke had never looked more offended in his life as he joined Reggie in sitting with Alex and Willie.

"What did you do on Saturday?" Alex asked, leaning forward to whisper. "Julie was fine when she told us we don't need to come by at all."

"Julie told you not to come over?" Luke asked, ripping his gaze from Julie to Alex and then Reggie, who shook his head.

"Bro, she actually called Alex and told him that we don't need to come see you because she was going to."

"Yeah, I remember her being there but I was drugged up on cough syrup."

"Weak," Alex whispered loudly, grinning when he made Willie laugh.

"Maybe you said something?" Willie suggested.

"Yeah, probably! But she's not talking to me. She's not even insulting me, which I would very much prefer over this apathy."

"You know where she lives," Reggie said dismissively. "Maybe you should pay her a visit."

Luke glanced across the cafeteria to see Julie quickly whip her head down to stare at her fold. "Yeah. Maybe."

Julie was tired and wanted nothing more than to go to sleep. Her plans were thrown way off the rails when she walked into her room and found Luke petering around the shelves beside her bed.

"What are you doing here?"

Luke drew his hand back sharply. "Cute box. What's in it?"

"None of your business," Julie snapped, hurriedly closing her bedroom door. "What are you doing here?"

"I wanted to talk to you but you were ignoring me and--"

"You could've just yelled at me from outside," Julie hissed. "I would have come down to shut you up! You can't be in here. Get out of my room."

"No. Not until you tell me why you've been avoiding me since Saturday. Jules, what--"

"Fine! Go and wait for me in the garage. I'll come talk to you in there."

Luke hesitated, unsure if Julie was serious.

When she heard footsteps getting closer, Julie grabbed Luke by the neckline of his shirt and dragged him to the window. "Get out," she whispered hurriedly, "I'll come down to the garage, I promise."

Thankfully, by the time her father arrived, Luke was gone.

"Who were you talking to, mija?"

"Luke," Julie said with a smile. She pointed at the phone. "He liked the cupcakes I sent with Willie."

"Oh, that's great. You didn't take something yesterday and today? Is he feeling better?"

"Much," Julie said, nodding, "in fact, we have some talking to do, so I'm gonna meet him in the garage in a few minutes."

"So late?"

Julie absolutely could not lie to her dad. But she could do half truths. "It's a long overdue discussion."

"School work?"

Julie shrugged. "Music."

"Ah. The garage makes sense. Well, do you wanna take some food down? Midnight snack?"

"Thanks, dad," Julie said with a smile, "you're the best."

"Oh, your dad is the best!" Luke cried as soon as he saw Julie walk in with a plate of cookies.

"These are experimental, too. They're some kind of oatmeal and choc mint blend. They taste good, in my opinion."

"Everything your dad makes tastes good," Luke said, grabbing three cookies. "My mom's starting to get jealous of how much I love your dad's cooking."

Juli smiled and set the plate down on the coffee table. Was there any point beating around the bush? Sugarcoating things?

"You told me I was music."

Luke paused, one and a half cookies gone. "What?"

Julie kept her gaze trained on the tassels of the carpet. "You told me I'm annoying . . . because I'm pretty. Because I have a pretty heart. You said it beats like a drum and I have the prettiest music in me that gets stuck in your head. It --"

"Smells like spring and looks like butterflies. . ." Luke looked positively mortified.

Julie, refusing to look up, did not notice. "You said . . . you said my heart sounds like a ballad and then -- and then you told me I am music."

Had he really said all that aloud? Well, no wonder Julie was avoiding him like the plague.

Julie tensed up when she could see Luke's feet step in front of her. Almost every part of her screamed that this was wrong. They shouldn't be so close without bickering and fighting. But deeper within, beyond the confines of logic and sense, Luke's voice told her that this was the furthest thing from wrong.

"I said all that? Aloud?"

Julie nodded.

"You know what music is to me."

Julie nodded again.

"Jules," Luke said gently. "Julie, look at me."

Julie refused to, so Luke gingerly tucked his finger under her chin and lifted her head, waiting until her gaze fell on him before speaking.

"You know what music is to me," he said again, prompting another nod from Julie. "Then you know what you mean to me."

Julie blinked a few times and shook her head. "No. No, that's just the fever talking. You -- you didn't really mean all of that."

"If you really believe that, why are you avoiding me?"

"I . . . I don't know."

Luke dropped his hand to take hold of Julie's. He glanced at her, waiting for her to pull away. When she didn't, he interlocked his fingers with hers. "I meant every word. Okay, maybe not literally, but you know what I mean."

Julie shook her head. "We're not even friends, Luke."

"Hm, well, who said I wanted to be your friend?"

Julie wanted to hate Luke. She wanted to loathe the sight of him. She didn't want to like him, let alone love him.

And yet, she did.

So before the overthinker in her could stop her, Julie leaned up on tiptoes and brushed her lips against his. Luke beamed at her like a kid on Christmas morning.

"Not the response I was expecting, but definitely one I'm enjoying."

"Don't make me regret it."

"Yes, ma'am. Now, what are my chances of getting two more? And one for the road? Within the next five seconds becaus my mom doesn't know I snuck out and she think I'm still sick."

"Dork," Julie said fondly, shaking her head.

"I'm serious!"

"You can have two."

"Three."

"Two."

"Four."

"One."

"Two will do," Luke said, letting go of Julie's hands to wrap his arms around her. He gave her a small squeeze. "Plus a hug."

"Dork," Julie said again. But he was her dork and he was her favourite.

Before anyone comes for me about the cough syrup thing, I'm drawing from experience. I mean I never confessed my undying love for anyone but I did blurt out some weird shit. Also, THAT WAS LONG AND IF YOU SURVIVED THE ENTIRE THING, CONGRATULATIONS TO YOU

Mara's masterlist

[aotopmha]

Attack on Titan in 2020

I've sort of dropped doing detailed chapter posts on the series because that type of writing wasn't very fun for me anymore and I have taken a liking to a bullet point kind of approach where I list the elements that stood out for me in the chapter or make a separate post for some specific topic I'd like to talk about in it.

I've started like 10 different posts to attempt to talk about AoT this year and I always end up with incoherent rambling because of all of the elements I'd love to to talk about.

This year's chapters were 125-135 and this year's episodes episodes 1-4 of season 4.

The anime episodes in particular have given me a lot of food for thought, so I'm just saying fuck it.

I think the biggest misstep of the story for me will forever be the fact that it decided to use fairly specific historical imagery.

The Eldians are clearly supposed to have allegorical equivalency with Jewish people, but the Jewish people were never the oppressors. There weren't any Jewish empires. That's conspiracy theory bullshit.

But on the other hand, the series clearly takes great effort to not stereotype any of the groups it's portraying and gives complex reasons for what both sides do. It's one of the few Japanese series that I've seen not stereotype Middle Eastern-coded people (Ramzi and Halil) or black people (Onyakapon). Everyone are people, it says. It even champions diversity:

(Chapter 118)

It is also very much true that a bunch of fascist states use long-term history as an excuse for their actions:

(Chapter 127)

Nation did X 2000 years ago therefore our conquest of them is justified.

This makes discussion about the series' themes like a minefield.

The people who are very critical about its imagery are right, but the people defending the series aren't wrong, either because it condemns all of those nasty ideas of conquest and hurting innocent people.

You can't have a more clear-cut condemnation of genocide:

(Chapter 127)

If you combine all of these details instead of zoning in on them one by one, to me what the story is saying is that *even if* all of that conspiracy bullshit is true, innocent people don't deserve to be slaughtered no matter the reason because they are still people who have their own feelings, thoughts and wishes.

The story clearly gets the baseline, but fumbles the details. I decided to look up some more discussion surrounding this these past few days and I just wish there was more good faith discussion about it. A lot of it feels like a moral superiority contest.

I think it's these kind of flawed stories that actually deserve detailed scruitiny over stories that are rotten to the core because they are *almost there*. Talking about them is a good topic starter in what to do and not to do in a story like this.

Speaking of rotten to the core, I think the absolute highlight of the chapters this year is Eren and some of the chapters this year finally gave me a pretty clear picture of what is going on with him.

Context from 123 certainly helps, though:

(Chapter 131)

This is about Eren's perspective. He can't accept the destruction of Paradis.

It's not that this solution was inevitable looking in from the outside (which is one of the interpretations I see around for Eren's actions), it's that *Eren* can't see any other way out of this except the most extreme because of all of the horrible things he has seen from the outside world. It is very similar to the way suicidal people can only focus on the negative.

You can tell them everything is going to be okay, but those words won't reach them because their mind won't let them and loops them back to those negative thoughts.

Eren can't see the ice cream or silly clowns. But he can see how the other Eldians in the league of Eldians are willing to push Paradis under the bus. He can see how Grisha's sister was killed. He can see how racist and cruel Marley is towards the Eldians in Liberio (and how the people have racist leanings towards other nations, too).

He can only see those bad things. But he also understands how everyone outside of the walls are human just as the people inside of the walls are.

So he is torn to pieces by guilt.

He doesn't want to do this, but he can't see any other solution.

This is why I also think he can't rob his friends of their agency. He is fighting for them to have a good future:

(Chapter 133)

(Chapter 131)

What really stood out to me on a revisit is that Eren considers himself much worse than Reiner.

I've seen criticism on how the story pushes the narrative of both sides being the same and this detail is really important to me because this is the story acknowledging that what Eren is doing is worse and gives all of the following exchanges about this the context of it being a similarity in principle.

Both sides have killed for what they think is right and have to deal with how they have killed people. This is such an important detail in the Uprising arc, too, where Erwin firmly acknowledged that overthrowing the government might not actually be the right choice by him. It was simply what he saw as right. On a narrative level this avoids absolute truths and preference of one character perspective over the other and once again makes it about individual perspectives.

The theme of individual perspectives is so ingrained in this story at this point in my eyes that it's another cornerstone in understanding what is going on with Eren to me.

I think it's great.

I also really appreciate Annie and what was done with her in this chunk of chapters.

(Chapter 127)

There has been this narrative going around that proposes that the story is in Eren's corner too much. But these chapters are nothing but questioning Eren and Annie is one of the main voices in this. It's the Marleyan girls, really and I think this is a very necessary part of making the narrative work. Once again, it separates the narrative and character perspective.

It says that the Paradis side caring is about character perspective, not what the narrative sides with and Annie is even sympathetic to Mikasa in that instance.

She gets it. Unexpectedly, I think Annie might play a bigger role in taking down Eren than expected. Her character arc about deciding to no longer go with the flow because she doesn't want any more tragedy to happen is basically calling for it.

(Chapter 128)

Another element I've seen brought up is the fact that nobody seems to address the Bert-sized elephant in the room, but some of our characters are certainly thinking about him.

This is such a thematically strong element and really interesting because Connie joined the military to make his mom proud and be a good soldier. This is the motivation behind his claim when he says they are going to save the world. But what does becoming a good soldier mean, exactly?

Well, apparently possibly gunning down people you care about.

This moment is so good because it's another moment where the idea of glory in war is taken down a peg.

The moment with Connie declaring they're going to save the world is so often criticised, but it is actually turned on its head in 128. There is no heroics in this. This is actually Connie's big "killing a person" moment because it strips away the final bit of comfort in killing in war, the excuse of killing for good moral reasons.

It is also a wonderful complex evolution of the series' themes. Trost was about fighting monsters. In the Female Titan and Clash of Titan arcs some of those monsters turned out to be human. In the Uprising, Return to Shiganshina and Marley arcs all of those monsters turned out to be human and here in the War of Paradis arc, everyone is human and the only separating system is what everyone views as right.

I really hope the anime will let this chapter breathe a little bit more.

Moving on, I guess it is time to address the rumbling.

I love it as a horror spectacle.

(Chapter 130)

And I really I think it needs to be non-CG when animated. CG is fine in spectacle battles, but not in horror settings because it is too clean.

The rumbling needs to be disgusting and dirty.

Chapter 132 gave me one of the few moments in which I truly cared about Levi. I think him telling Hange to dedicate her heart was a very good moment to cap off their relationship. He sent another SL commander to fulfill their duty.

The speech about hatred in chapter 134 also stood out to me. I think it definitely should be fitted in there somewhere in this, but I also see a bunch of criticism for it.

I want to point out that this is the side of present Marley talking here. It's the military dictatorship.

It's the Nazis. I think the Nazis should feel regret for exploiting innocent people and admit they're wrong.

I also like how the horrors here are undoing the brainwashing and showing the truth to the citizens.

I guess you could read it as heavy-handed, but it is also something that needs to be addressed and in principle, it's not wrong.

I'm also going to put a mention of Historia here. I've talked about how this is my biggest and most glaring problem with the series because of how thematically unfitting it feels, but I've also talked about it in many posts. I wanted to focus more on other stuff in this post.

So now, we make it back to chapter 135.

I think having stewed on it for a month now, I like the element of mindscrewing our cast with the Titans of the people they love is the strongest element of it. It's making them face their personal traumas and we also get some great character moments and payoffs from it.

Mikasa ended off the year in a very good note in my eyes.

Even this deep in the story, this chapter left me in a situation where I have no idea how things might turn out.

I might have rough ideas, but not anything specific and that's fun.

Well, this is it on my retrospective.

2021 is confirmed to be AoT's final year of publication as volume 34 is set to be the story's final volume.

Those who hate the story can finally be free of it and those who care for it, can look back on it with fondness and sadness and many other emotions and evaluate.

It's been 7 years for me. What a wild ride.

So, I'm asking everyone, what are some of your observations on AoT in 2020?

Is there anything you'd like to add or do you have any observations or counterarguments for anything I've said?

I'd be curious to see what everyone else thought of AoT in 2020!

[mediocre--writing]

Hey! I'd like to request a Harry x Gryffindor!reader where y/n is a member of the Golden trio (well now quartet) and is basically about her friendship with them and how her and harry eventually fall in love and end up together, like is a slow burn (it can be either a oneshot or headcanons, it's your choice) thank you! 💕

Harry Potter x Gryffindor!Muggleborn!Reader

Summary: You and Harry have been friends since first year, so how will you tell him that you have deeper feelings for him than just friendship?

Word Count: 6665

Warnings: mentions of scars, umbridge (which is a warning for obvious reasons), hints of depression, doing badly in school

Ok I know that this was supposed to be a small headcannon, but I kinda went overboard so now this is 6k... oops!

so you both met on the train to hogwarts in first year

you physically ran into harry when you were trying to find a spot to sit before the train started moving

you kinda squashed him because, let’s admit it, harry was probably abnormally skinny for an eleven year old and could be pinned down by an aggravated squirrel

but it caused the two of you to have an inside joke and become friends, even before you got to hogwarts

you also became friends with ron weasley on the train ride

he was also a scrawny little twerp, and you felt like a mother looking after two idiotic children

there was also hermione granger, who immediately rubbed you the wrong way

she was bossy and seemed to be a know it all

at the sorting ceremony, harry, ron, and hermione had all gone before you

so you were kinda just chilling in the group of kids that you didn’t talk to on the train, secretly sending all your hopes into getting into gryffindor

thank godric that you did

you all sat together and ate

you also met ron’s brothers: fred, george, and percy, and apparently he had two more, bill and charlie, and a younger sister, ginny

wow his mother made a bold choice

but they were all kind

though fred and george seemed a bit too mischievous for their own good

and percy was kinda snarky

but everyone has their own flaws, and you should look past them

and you and hermione were roommates

(oh my god they were roommates)

so you tried to deal with hermione’s nagging and obsession with success

it’s firmly believed by all the girls in that dorm that if she wasn’t in gryffindor, she probably would have been in slytherin because she was so ambitious 

but school was fun

you all had classes together

because you’re first years and didn’t have electives yet

hermione, of course, was amazing at just about everything

ron and harry were decent at most things, of course they had to learn but they caught on quick

the only class you liked was the flying lessons, but it only happened once  every week

and astronomy

you just liked going out at night and staring at the stars

but who wouldn’t

so hermione tried to help you in class, but she talked far too fast and already knew everything

she was smart, but she wasn’t a good teacher

so you went to harry, because he was doing good in classes and wasn’t psycho-smart

he actually helped a ton more

you were actually passing your classes now

the both of you bonded over quidditch, as he became seeker and you longed to be a chaser for gryffindor

so you went to all his games and cheered him on

(you also tried out in second year and made it, to the shock of most people)

through your first year, things were relatively normal, right up until you discovered the locked room that housed a large, three headed dog

then harry decided it would be a grand idea for you all to go into a trap door underneath the dog

but of course you followed

as you entered, you got past the dog with relative ease, then hermione helped you all out of the devil’s snare

then you got on the broom and caught the key needed to get through the next door

then ron aided in beating the killer chess board

hermione had to carry him back to the main hallway, and up to madam pince

but you went with harry to find the sorcerer's stone

and when you walked into the room, you stopped at the top of the stairs, seeing quirrel

after a few moments of talking, when the fighting broke out, you were hit with a jinx that sent you flying across the room

which knocked you out

so when you woke up in the hospital wing with a few bruises

ron to your left, still asleep

harry to your right, also asleep

you could say that you were a bit confused at the goings-on of the night before

hermione showed up only a few moments later and explained everything from what she knew

when you all left after first year, it’s safe to say a tear may or may not have fallen at the idea of not seeing your friends for a whole three months

but that summer, you were invited to the burrow at the end of summer

and you went

after begging your parents for the entire month prior

but you got there

and you went along with, ron, fred, and george in their dad’s car to go rescue harry

and you almost fell out of the car while trying to pull him inside, away from his porky looking uncle

but you guys were fine

and when you got back to the house

mrs. weasley chewed you all out

except harry

but she gave you quite the talking to because you’d been there for the past few weeks and she was comfortable treating you like her own

which included a good scolding

but it was all ok

because you were all back together

at least you and the boys

but you would see hermione very soon

when you went to diagon alley

but there was a small hiccup in the day

when you ran into the malfoys

literally

you slammed into draco’s back

very hard

and he fell over

and you fell on top of him

and his dad saw it all

and screamed at you in front of everyone in the bookshop

“you filthy, vile, little mudblood!”

he had his wand pulled in your face and everything

draco was smirking behind him

it was humiliating

but

the weasleys had your back

the twins came to help you stand up and were glaring at the malfoys

arthur began yelling at lucius

though you were embarrassed, you felt loved all the same

all the girls were obsessing over some gildy-guy

you didn’t find him all that appealing

he seemed too full of himself

but hogwarts was going good that year

besides the little thing with you, ron, and harry stealing a flying car and crashing it into the whomping willow

though it did give you all a bit of street cred given that...

ya know, three 12 year olds stole a flying car and drove it to hogwarts

as mentioned before, you made it onto the gryffindor quidditch team as chaser

you were also benched for half a game for trying to knock malfoy off his broom when he called hermione and you mudbloods while trying to smack talk harry

which didn’t make sense because the slytherins cheat every game and you try to assault one kid and suddenly you're benched

though malfoy doesn’t really say much to your group when your around now

you also got closer to the twins, helping them with pranks and diversions

after the malfoy/bookstore incident, they felt more protective of you

you became like an older sister to ginny

and she always felt like she could open up to you

but she had a weird little book she wouldn’t let you see

as she got worse through the year, you told hermione

but she suggested that you shouldn’t tell her brothers

because maybe she didn’t want anyone knowing

when it was revealed that harry was a parseltongue, you most definitely yelled at people who badmouthed him

you also punched one kid, but you didn’t get a detention for it because the kid was too scared to tell anyone

you and harry were even closer than before

between quidditch and you staying close to him everywhere because you were scared of being petrified

and when hermione got petrified you broke down in the middle of the common room

harry hugged you, a little awkwardly, but he was trying

then ginny got taken down to the chamber

and you felt more numb than anything

so when you, ron, and harry ventured down to the chamber of secrets to find ginny

with lockhart

who wasn’t much help

ever

but ron and lockhart were stuck behind fallen rocks so you and harry went on

and you found ginny

and young voldemort

...or his ghost

either way

it was voldemort

and though you would never tell another soul, he was a lot more handsome when he had his face in tact and looked, well, human

but besides that, he was trying to kill you, harry, and ginny, so his appeal was pushed to the side when you considered that little factor

but as the basilisk chased harry around the chamber, tom riddle had you in a headlock

you were on your knees

and he was basically just forcing you to watch harry be chased by a killer snake

ginny was still passed out after harry defeated the basilisk with the sword of gryffindor, brought by the phoenix, fawkes

you still couldn’t catch your breath after tom riddle had let you go, given that he had been choking you slowly

you hugged harry and were gripping onto the backs of his robes as tight as possible, still feeling light headed and grateful that you actually survived

but you helped harry carry ginny out as quick as possible

ron and lockhart had cleared away most of the rubble, well mostly ron, lockhart was still crazy

when the end of the year came and hermione, among others, were no longer petrified, you enveloped her in the biggest hug imaginable

the train ride back was, once again, a bit sad, but you promised to come over to the burrow during the summer

you went to the leaky cauldron with hermione and her family, since yours didn’t exactly like that you were a witch

they loved you, but all this stuff was to dangerous for their taste

but you and hermione went to the leaky cauldron for a few nights

met the weasleys there for a day of shopping and such

also met harry there, since he was brought by the minister of magic for using magic underaged outside of school

which was kind of a stupid rule

but whatever

you got to spend more time with your friends

because the weasleys were in egypt visiting bill, ron’s older brother,

but you got your little (well, large, really) family back

you and harry talked about everything that the dursley’s had done to him, how he blew up his aunt, and how he was sick and tired of feeling alone during summers

you told him about how your parents were complaining about you leaving for most of the year and, all around, didn’t like magic, like his aunt and uncle

you also talked about how ron’s rat and hermione’s cat were going to kill each other, which meant that ron and hermione would end up killing each other

you never really realized how much you talked to harry until you didn’t get to everyday

on the train ride to hogwarts, you sat with the twins and their friend, lee jordan, and a few of the girls from the quidditch team that you’d known before

you were planning a big prank for the start of the year

harry, ron, and hermione, however, were stuck with an old, sleepy man in their compartment

harry was also moping because you were spending time with the twins

again

he missed you more than he thought he would and wanted to spend time with you, but he couldn’t just say that

they were your friends too

then the dementors came onto the train, which woke up the old man in their compartment and he was able to fend them off

and harry passed out

and then he woke up a few moments later

with chocolate being shoved in his face

(not a bad way to be woken up)

but the first thing he did was try and get up to look for you

which hermione offered to do so he could rest

in your compartment, you had fallen over, not passed out, but your knees had gone weak and you blacked out for a moment, still awake though

fred and george were on either side of you on the floor

they both had an arm over your shoulder, trying to warm you up

angelina johnson was giving you kind words

and then hermione walked in

your head shot up

“are you all alright?”

“harry passed out,”

there was a chuckle heard from outside the compartment

malfoy

“potter passed out? some brave gryffindor he is!”

everyone just kinda rolled their eyes and continued to ignore him

“is harry ok?”

“should be, there was a man in there, i assume he was a teacher or something, he had it handled”

“you’re sure he’s alright?”

“yes, he’s perfectly ok, y/n,”

hermione definitely knew about your crush on harry now

she had her suspicions before

but it was just obvious now

hermione left, probably going back to harry and ron

“you wanna go see him?” one of the twins asked from your right in a concerned but also suggestive voice

you shook your head

“i’ll see him at dinner, fred,”

both the twins gasped, along with the others in the compartment

“you can tell us apart?” george asked

yes, that’s right, you had learned the difference between the twins and could tell them apart, something their best friend, lee, couldn’t even do

you were quite proud of yourself

“of course, what do you take me for? your mother?” you chuckled

both the twins knew, at that moment, they’d hit the jackpot

they knew you had a great sense for attention to detail in pranks, but this just showed how much you knew

“how do you know which is which?”

“fred has more freckles, george slouches more when he walks, fred also has a little scar right at the top of his hairline that you can just barely see, but it’s usually how i can tell. also you have sides when you go places together, george is left and fred is right, though i’m sure you’ll change it up from now on to trip me up,”

“ahhh, little y/n, you are a good best friend,” -fred

“lee, take notes,” -george

“fuck all of  you,” -lee

the rest of the ride was not as eventful after that, though the twins were still trying to make you slip up

they left to put their uniforms and asked you to guess who was who, you were correct, they were crybabies about it

when hermione went back to harry, he was a little sad to hear that fred and george were comforting you so closely

lupin kinda smirked because it reminded him of how james would get mad when lily was with other boys

then he wasn’t smirking because he was all sad

when the train got back to hogwarts, you met up with ron and hermione and harry

they told you all about cool professor lupin

third year was great

professor lupin was your favorite professor, which was a similar theme around school

you pranked more people with fred and george

you played quidditch, getting better at your skills when practicing with angelina and katie

lupin grew to love your little quartet

because you were like his friends

hermione reminded him of himself because of her good morals and need to excel in classes, even though she still had her own dark side

ron was like peter, one of the funniest, kindest friends he’d ever seen, while also being underspoken, letting his friends speak first in most situations

james and harry were practically the same person, with their entire personas mirroring the others, though harry was much more modest than james had ever been, but also seemed to have his mischievous side much more hidden than his father, who would boast about his accomplishments and pranks

you reminded him of sirius, with how you always found a way to make others laugh, and your chameleon-like personality that could fit in with multiple groups, you never seemed to be alone, along with the way that you could never seem to wear your uniform correctly: always choosing a t-shirt instead of the button down or regular trainers over the uncomfortable uniform shoes

he made sure to pay extra attention to harry and his friends through the year

you became more popular as you hug out with fred and george more

hermione and ron seemed to bicker more and more like an old married couple

harry was stressing over sirius black constantly, especially after finding out that he was his godfather

you and harry went to see lupin together to discuss what he knew of sirius black, along with just getting your minds cleared

he accepted you both into his office and you all chatted for hours

he also offered to teach you how to cast a patronus, like he had been doing with harry

you gleefully accepted

harry had been at his wits end with malfoy at this point, sick of the taunts and jokes tossed his way

so you and fred and george pranked him

turned his hair red and glittery

only lasted until you washed it out but it was very funny to see him freak out

as patronus practice went on with harry and lupin, you got closer and closer to casting a full patronus, only after your second lesson

during the third time you went, your patronus was cast fully, a mighty lioness that roared loudly as you, harry, and lupin laughed in pure delight at the sight of the mighty beast

you told fred and george what your patronus was and they were jealous, because you got the house mascot and they couldn’t even produce the charm

when the day came that you, harry, ron, and hermione all went down to hagrid’s for buckbeaks’ execution

then scabbers was pulled away by a large black dog

and you all went into the whomping willow

and found sirius black

who was being quite dramatic for a wanted killer

or maybe that was just how killers were

just murdering people but with ✨pizzazz✨

but when lupin turned up, and explained the situation, then ron’s rat turns into peter pettigrew, who was supposed to be dead, then snape showed up

god this was a really long night

once you had everything taken care of (ron was going to be taken to the hospital wing for his leg injury, peter pettigrew was in restraints, it was acknowledged that sirius was framed, and everyone knew lupin was a werewolf) you walked back up to the opening of the whomping willow

then the moon came out

lupin began transforming, everyone backed away slightly, but you were stunned to your spot

sirius and snape were protecting harry ron and hermione

but you were just standing there, watching

peter got away by transforming into a rat, again

lupin was now in full wolf form though, so that was the bigger problem

sirius approached him slowly before lupin turned around quickly, scratching your arm and hand as he ran off, sirius chasing after him in his dog form

but you were scratched by a werewolf

and it hurt

snape had to be a crutch for ron because his leg was messed up

and you were wobbling as you walked from the pain

but you both made it to the hospital wing

pomfrey attended to you first, and she explained, while she worked, that since it was only a scratch, you shouldn’t suffer any detrimental side effects aside from the scarring, which would never go away

it wasn’t too bad after she gave you a few medicines

you worried about hermione and harry, and while ron was being tended to, you glanced out of the windows looking for a peak at your friends

they ended up coming up to the hospital wing after seeing the dementors try to kill sirius, but then they disappeared again, leaving you and ron confused when, just seconds later, they walked through the doors into the hospital wing

but they told you that they saved sirius and buckbeak

school was pretty calm after that

you and harry went to see lupin when you heard that he was quitting

he explained that word got out about him being a werewolf

by snape

the bitch

and that he hurt a student

but he wasn’t aware of that part

until he saw your arm wrapped up

and asked what happened

and he looked like he was going to cry

but you assured him that it didn’t hurt

of course it hurt but you weren’t going to tell him that

for some reason you felt bad that he hurt you

because he was kind and gentle and didn’t deserve the prejudice he got

the scar was healing, but it was from your elbow to the back of your hand, and it was about an inch wide, so there wasn’t much hope of you covering it up or saying it was no big deal

lupin was worried though

how were you going to explain this to your parents?

they were muggles, wouldn’t they pull you out of school?

apparently not, because when, that summer, you were invited to the quidditch world cup with the weasleys and hermione and harry, they let you go

which was very out of character but you didn’t really mind

the quidditch cup was… interesting

you and hermione were pretty spooked afterwards because of the death eater symbol that hung over the crowd

along with the fact that you were muggleborn

but the beginning of the school year was sure to take your mind off of it

the triwizard tournament seemed interesting enough for the older teens to compete in

you couldn’t play quidditch but this was fine

it was a relaxing year to just chill

right?

wrong!

because you got two months of relative peace until harry’s name was pulled out of the cup and most of the school turned on him

you were still staying close to harry because you trusted him

and you knew that ron wasn’t so much mad at his friend as much as he was a mix of jealous and worried for harry’s safety

you also helped harry train for the first task once you found out what it was

fuckin dragons

you brought him out to the quidditch pitch a few days a week and made him run drills so that he’d be quicker on his feet

ya know

running from a dragon

and you made sure that he knew basic spells

you made hermione research dragons and common ways to get past them

after a little conversation with moody, you also practiced the summoning charm so he could get his broom

you still made sure he was doing running drills because he could always fall

but you included some flying practice

“i don’t care if you're the youngest seeker in a century, harry, this is a dragon!!!! it breathes fire!!!”

because you were helping harry so much

you kinda began slipping in class

just a little

ok maybe a lot

but you were also practicing spells with harry so you were learning like 6/7th year charms

though your teachers didn’t see it that way

sadly

so you had to ditch harry a few times due to detentions

mostly with mcgonnangal because she pitied you and how you were worried about your friend dying, which you prioritized over lessons

though snape was getting fed up with you

he was yelling at you more

but you were used to it at this point

the day of the first task you had been with harry in the tent for as long as you could stay there, worried for his safety

to be honest he was getting more nervous because of you

he wanted you to calm down

and you wanted him to live

so it was quite the stressful situation

especially when, while you were sitting on one of the hospital beds moved down there (for precaution) you rested your head on his shoulder and he wrapped an arm around your shoulder and rita skeeter snapped a quick picture

but she got told off by krum

which was kinda refreshing

he was quiet, but he would stand up for what was right

you liked that about him

it reminded you of harry

harry did really well in the task, getting really high marks for his agility and skill on a broom

you gleamed with pride

a few days later, at breakfast, ron had a parcel delivered to him

dress robes

that were beyond hideous

then you heard all about the yule ball

where you had to dress up and converse with the other schools and such

it didn’t sound all that appealing to you

you loved hanging out with friends and such

but you weren’t exactly thrilled with the idea of dressing up for hours on christmas, the day of relaxation

and becuase you didn’t really think that you were gonna go, you gave ron the money your parents sent you for a dress so he could buy new, nice dress robes

he thanked you a million times

you were also helping harry with the egg

let's say that cedric found out about the egg and told harry a bit sooner

so you were trying to get him to swim in the black lake

he wasn’t pleased

but he needed to be quick in the water

he was mad at you for pushing him in one day

but he got over it

hermione was losing her mind because you and harry were basically flirting 

constantly

and touching one another with looks of affection

but harry wouldn’t man up and ask you out

and you didn’t believe he would actually like you

hermione about slapped you when you said that

you also told her that you didn’t really want to go because of the elegant air that wasn’t your style

so she made it her personal mission to get you and harry together

she wasn’t subtle

was she ever?

but nothing happene

one day at breakfast, while the boys were complaining about not having dates

fred, who was sitting next to you, asks angelina to the dance to show ron and harry that it was that easy

ron made some snarky comment about how hermione and you wouldn’t have dates

and hermione was mildly offended by ron and stormed off

but you knew he was right

nobody had even asked you

you thought about asking harry

multiple times

but you just knew he wouldn’t want to go with you

especially when he had practically every girl in hogwarts to choose from

so that night, in the common room, you asked george if he had a date

he didn’t

so you went as friends

because you thought of the twins as family

and didn’t like them that way

but you knew that they were a good option, and with george you would be able to joke all night and have a good time

you bought a cheap-ish, but nice, dress from money you’d already had in your trunk

harry was pissed

he knew you liked one of the twins

and he was mad at himself more than anything

but he went with one of the patil twins, ron taking the other

but when you came downstairs to george, looking more gorgeous than ever

with the help of hermione

you wore a dress with short sleeves, which made you slightly insecure because you still had the scar from professor lupin that was a few shades off from your normal skin tone

but hermione, fred, george, and angelina assured you that you were still beautiful

he couldn't take his eyes off you

“potter seems to be staring at you,” george teased

you rolled your eyes and didn’t bother to look back because you didn’t want to be disappointed

the ball was fun

you caught up with the twins since you hadn’t spent much time with them since you were helping harry

the next weeks you were still training with harry

he was still reluctant about getting in the black lake

but he lived

and when, the night before the task, you and hermione disappeared when he had a question, he felt more helpless than ever

he felt even more helpless when, during the task, he could make out your figure at the bottom of the lake, in between hermione and a little blonde girl

after he helped you and the little blonde girl, who turned out to be fleur’s little sister, you and harry were huddled together…. 

“warming up”

he got high marks again for rescuing both you and gabrielle, even though he took a long time to finish

he was tied for first place

you jumped up and hugged him so tight he could barely breathe

you loosened your grip and stared him in the eyes

your faces were so close together you could feel the other’s breath

then ron came up and grabbed harry

#fuckyouron

it was awkward between you and harry for about a day and a half until you were in the common room together and were joking like old times

after that, you waited until the month before the final task, when you found out it was a maze with creatures and spells

you made harry start running again

he said he was going to curse you

you laughed

but when the task came up, you felt a little weird about everything

things just seemed off

and when harry reappeared with a dead cedric and the triwizard cup and there was a deafning silence between everyone

cedric's father was screaming

you were trying to shove your way down the stands to harry

because he looked numb yet also going through so many emotions

when you finally got to harry he was pulled away by dumbledore, who told you to go back to your friends

you wanted to hit him

but you talked to harry the next day

well, you didn’t talk much

he collapsed, crying the tears he was holding in since the end of the third task

you held him, letting him sob

you started whispering kind words to him when his sobbing became slower and his breathing was more regular

“i’m--”

“you don’t need to be, you shouldn’t be sorry, it’s nothing you did, i promise,”

over the summer, not very much happened

until, while you were at the weasleys, harry was attacked by dementors and was being put on trial for using magic outside of school

he came to sirius’ parents old house before his trial, then, after he was free to go back to school, spent the rest of the summer with you, ron, and hermione

you spent a good bit of time over the summer working on prank products with the twins

you got a lot of progress made on the extendable ears and a few of the skiving snackboxes products were almost perfect

while on your way back to school, while ron and hermione were at the prefects carriage, you caught up with harry and what you had been doing over the summer, talking about whatever you didn’t say while at grimmauld place

they talk about how harry is sick of the pity stares he's getting, and that’s just from getting on the train and sitting down

you talk about your adventures with the twins over the summer, how they tried to do side-by-side apparition with you and you puked

the rest of the train ride was mediocre at best, but the real fun started at the end of the first dinner

namely, a woman called delores umbridge, who was the defense teacher

nobody found her likeable, especially after she interrupted dumbledore

nobody interrupts dumbledore

but you wanted to give her a chance

that chance didn’t get you too far

you and the twins were planning to prank her by day 3

she yelled at harry and gave him a torture quill for his punishmet

nasty bitch

but by the end of the fourth day at school, her cat portraits had been let out around the school, milling around in other paintings and it took her a few days to finally put them all back

the best pranks are ones that linger, driving the person mad

she didn't know it was you three, of course she didn’t, she had only been there four days

but she started to catch on when you and the twins were seen whispering in the great hall, writing on a piece of paper that was shoved under a desk and whispering stopped as she walked by

she knew for a fact that it was you three when you had all used the same annoying phrase in class, multiple times, just to drive her mad

your first detention this year, though it was with fred and george, went unknown by your friends

you didn’t want them to worry, since you couldn’t get your hand to stop bleeding when you would stretch or scratch the healing skin, but you had no intentions of stopping your pursuit of pranking

it wasn’t until dumbledore’s army was having their first practice that harry noticed the scabbed writing on your hand, which was written over your werewolf-scratch scar from third year

‘i must respect my superiors’

he got kinda really mad at you when you’d told him that it was from the last 7 detentions with umbridge, though he didn’t know you even had one

quidditch practice was awkward, harry wouldn’t talk to you, unless it was to critique your playing, and the twins weren’t really there to mediate, since they had to practice too

though the awkwardness didn’t last for too long

umbridge had kicked you, harry, fred, and george off the team indefinitely

dumbledore’s army meetings were the only thing to look forward to

though, when you were working on patronus charms, yours was no longer the mighty lion, but a doe that pranced around with grace

hermione pointed out that harry’s was a stag, and yours was a doe, and then she wiggled her eyebrows

you were #confused

you continued getting detentions with umbridge, for speaking out in class or not doing the work

you finally understand a class but it's everything you already knew from first year… but easier

so you just don’t do it

grades can’t get worse

fred and george leave, so you don’t have many people to talk to, besides hermione

harry’s still a bit aggravated with you

but you're starting to get mad at him as well, he keeps talking to cho

and the worst part is that you completely understood

she was pretty and nice and going through something only harry understood at the moment

you talked to hermione about it

she said to confess your feelings

and you were

really you were

until harry came back and told you the good news

he kissed cho

congrats to you

you just avoided him

until he claimed that sirius black was being tortured by voldemort and you, along with select dumbledore’s army members, had to go save him

you were intercepted by the umbridge prats

you punched draco malfoy so hard his nose bled all over his face and robes

which felt like a win, even though you were still caught and brought to her office in a headlock by malfoy

though you all escaped and went off to the ministry of magic, where sirius was

except he wasn’t

but you know who was?

death eaters

totally not the same thing

but you all made it to this room with a huge archway, where you were then put back in a headlock, by a malfoy…. again

you were sick of this family

the order members showed up soon, however, and sirius was actually here this time

and he was standing next to you in front of the arch, fighting

until he was hit by a curse by bellatrix, which caused him to collapse into the veil

you heard harry scream, and he started to sprint towards the veil, but you collided with his body, pushing him away and wrapping your arms around him

you didn’t know what the veil thing was but you didn't think that it was something you came back from

harry was trying to get out of your arms to the veil

he was stronger than he looked, and you ended up pushing him to the floor so he would stop trying to run

the whole battle was a mess, harry had gotten possessed by voldemort, which entailed a lot of screaming and a creepy deep voice coming from harry

as you were all brought back to hogwarts, you were dragging harry’s body over yours, and he was heavier than he looked

but you knew he was tired and out of it, so you bared with it

that summer was the longest of all

harry and you didn’t talk much

neither would make the first move to send a letter

everyone knew voldemort was back

and harry was transported to the burrow by dumbledore

and even though you had been at the burrow most of the summer, including when harry was there the next morning

he still wouldn’t even look at you

you really didn’t know what you did

he was the one who flirted and kissed cho

sure you didn’t tell him about detentions and were kind of the reason that he didn’t chase after sirius to his death

but that didn’t seem like something he should be mad about

not for this long

fred and george opened their shop

and you were proud of them

so so proud because you helped with half the products there

but you couldn’t use the extent of your happiness because harry still wasn’t talking to you

and you felt like death

all the time

that year went relatively quick

you were studying a lot more, mostly to ignore harry, but also because you didn’t have fred and george to occupy your time and had nothing else to do

by the time christmas came around, you hadn’t talked to harry much

maybe a few times in classes that you were in together

but you weren’t in any newt classes with them

oh well i guess

you didn’t make other friends either

you just kinda closed off

didn’t sleep much because you kept thinking about harry

thinking about kissing him

thinking about holding his hand

about joking with him like you used to

about how he must be feeling about everything going on

about how you can’t lose him now

he can’t die because of some no-nose-supremacist

and you looked exactly how you felt, you were sluggish and lethargic, it took you awhile to react when people spoke to you, and your usual charisma wasn’t as prominent

during christmas, fred and george noticed your lack of energy

they tried to cheer you up but you just wanted harry to talk to you

so they did what they did best

smacked some sense into harry

literally

hit him in the head and told him to talk to you

you both sat on the couch awkwardly, neither feeling the air of comfort that you used to have

it took about five minutes of silence before george opened the door and screamed at you both

not any words, just screamed

then shut the door

neither of you could hold in the snorts of laughter from the unsolicited screaming

you turned to face one another at last

“so….”

“so…”

“i’m sorry i ignored you”

“me too, i was worried about you and i felt like i couldn’t talk to you but i should have just written you a letter or something because i miss you so much, you don’t even know. after the twins left hogwarts, i always felt lonely and i wasn’t speaking to you for whatever reason and i’ve been doing really dreadful in class so i've been studying but i never retain anything or understand anything and--”

harry grabbed your hands and moved closer to you

“i think i’m in love with you”

“you’re kidding?”

“....

..

no????”

“i think i love you too?”

“yeah, i have been for a while, then we fought, and i didn’t know how to talk to you anymore--”

beforehe could have another word, you crashed your lips to his

it was amazing

you’ve been waiting for this for literal years

the past few months were torture

but everything was alright

things were getting worse out there, with voldemort rising to power, but you could die happy because of this moment

because harry wasn’t just someone who was in love with you, he was your best friend in the world and the only person who made you feel comfortable in any situation

and he loved you back

[impaladolan]

Control Freak - Grayson Dolan

summary: after Choff production lines CEO (finally) retires, a new boss makes his way into Y/N’s world..

warnings: sexual references/undertones

a/n: another Grayson series, i can’t help myself :)) enjoy!! also, ily <3

Ugh, he was in one of his moods again.

The office cubicles were hastily bustling with nervousness and terror. At any given moment, the infuriated man, so-called boss, will be bursting through the double doors with a dark red tint across his cheeks and maybe even smoke out of his ears, if you're lucky.

Mr. Kidman has never been good with the whole "patience is a virtue" thing, he's a ticking time bomb at all hours of the day. Nothing ever satisfies him, nor remotely excites him, he just finds something to yell and scream about at some poor unfortunate soul and then continues his merry day. But today, he was furious. He had no empathy for anyone, even his favorite two little secretaries that wear push-up bras like a side-job. Apparently someone had brought him the wrong breakfast order and everything just went downhill from there.

Unlike all the others, you seemed calm and composed amongst all this mayhem, but only because you, and maybe two others, knew that 'Old Angry Kidman' was finally retiring. Yep, freedom at last. Well, unless the new guy, or girl, has terrible anger issues.

So you just sat at your clean and pristine desk, typing another draft and adding it to the plentiful piles saved on your work computer, while soundlessly chewing on a mint piece of gum that substituted for the absence of a tooth brushing the morning of. But your quick finger movements were hushed once Mr. Kidman, as predicted, flew straight through the doors with his signature fiery red face and sweat droplets dotting his thinning hairline. "Every body fucking up! I've fucking had it with all of you." He demands, majority of the room raising from their seats with caution. With his teeth tightly gritted and his lips in a fine line, he swirls his index finger in the air, motioning to all of his terrified workers.

"If it were my fuckin' decision, I'd have each and everyone of you pieces of shits fired and on the streets in point ZERO-TWO seconds. You all are fucking lucky that this is my last day here, son's of bitches." A man of few nice words, that he is. The nicest thing you've ever heard him say was thank you, and that was two years ago. His vulgar and aggressive attitude truly brings the worth of working this job down. If it weren't for the good pay and lack of any other remotely feasible company jobs, you would've quit a long time ago.

But alas, you still endure the inevitable fiery reign of his obstructive wrath on the daily.

-

Dolan is his name.

The new boss, that is. That's the only information you and the rest of the staff knew, besides that he's a male. He hasn't shown up for work yet, or even formally introduced himself. Hell, you don't even know what he looks like. But you were certainly nervous for his arrival.

What if he's just like Kidman, or worse?

It most certainly made you nervous to think that this new guy could ever be worse than Kidman. You were hoping and praying that the he'd at least value his workers and employees.

Everyone, on your office floor, was anticipating the days and hours of his big arrival. No one was certain of when he was going to show up, or if. But nonetheless you were one of the most nervous ones. You held the highest title among your coworkers, except CEO of course, but you were pretty up there when it came to business standards. Everyone seemed to like you as well, your kind nature and natural non-brutal attitude sure did make up for other people's. Of course, you didn't really have an office of your own, because you enjoyed the time spent with the people around you. You truly loved the relationship and humbleness you gained from it. At least you weren't a snotty bitch, right?

There were plenty of little rumors around the workspace that you'd become the new (and improved) owner of this whole entire manufacturing company. Specifically a well known fashion line, Choff. The floor that you, and many of the other leading workers, were on was basically the information database. But from time to time, you'd find yourself strolling through the other, more clothing/model filled areas. Just to see how things were flowing.

Which is actually what you're doing in this moment; running your fingers along the racks filled with hangers that held all the fitted clothing items. It seemed like fun to be down here, measuring and sewing the different outfits to the men and women, but it also seemed stressful. Everyone's always in a rush, with their exploding New York accents and their flailing around all over the place. It's pretty amusing to watch from afar, but you'd be scared to get in anyone's way. They'd probably just run you over and continue their day unaffected.

With that thought in mind, you abruptly come to a stop when you run into the muscular backside of someone, startling you from your stare on the tiled flooring. You uttered a few apologies, taking a step back and straightening your pencil skirt from its newfound wrinkles.

"Lost, darling?" Your eyes trail the floor before you until they're stuck on a pair of shiny dress shoes, attached to a pair of long legs and a broad chest. Your eyes finally landed on the remarkably handsome face, of someone you didn't quite recognize. It wasn't uncommon to stumble across unknown employees, but could it be him?

"Frankly, no." You shortly answer, studying his jaw-dropping features. He was indubitably perfect, without a doubt. With a nicely trimmed beard decorating his beautifully shaped jawline, and big hazel eyes that stared right back at your own, he seemed unearthly. Like he was God's favorite angel sent down from heaven, just to show you a glimpse of what it'd really be like inside the pearly gates. "Are, um, you?" You weren't exactly nervous, just mystified. His recent smile grew into what seemed to be a smirk, while his right side's dimple grew more prominent.

"I'd like to say that I'm not, but I sadly am." He shrugs with a chuckle, sending a wave of unbeknownst pleasure through your ears and fluttering down your spine, until the ends of your toes were satisfied with his deep and raspy voice. "Could you maybe show me around this gigantic place? I've been in need of assistance for the last hour or so." He questions you, dropping his shoulders back and letting his eyes roam your stature before drifting to the interior of the long hallway the two of you are currently standing around in. "I very well could, but I have a dreadful meeting to attend to within the next five to ten minutes." Actually, the meeting was in fifteen minutes. You just simply wanted to see the man's reaction, which wasn't what you though it'd be;

"Perfect, I'll be in attendance for that as well. If you'd so kindly lead the way, I would most appreciate it." He smoothly negotiated, stuffing his right hand, which was tightly wrapped with an expensive looking watch, into his pocket with another grin. He seemed very eloquent with his words and the way he addressed things, it has to be him?

"Do you mind me asking of your name?" You began as you started your trek back to where you came from, your heels quietly clicking from beneath you as you lead the way, him following close behind. "Dolan, Grayson Dolan." He quickly answered. Indeed you were right in thinking he was the new (and maybe improved) CEO of all Choff productions. "New head guy?"

He only nods, to yet another one of your endless questions. "And what's your name, darling?" He asks as the two of you stop at an elevator, his quick hand beating yours to clicking the slightly worn down button. "Y/N Y/L/N, direct head management under you." You relay before boarding onto the empty elevator, the doors closing moments after the two of you were stood side by side. You fidget with the ends of your skirt, staying as calm as possible under his stare that you couldn't help but shrivel under.

"Under me, huh?" You almost gulped at the sound of his double meaninged phrase. Smart guy, hm? Your heart started beating a bit faster the more you thought of his little statement. Your mind became a whirlwind of visuals and fantasies before you could even stop it. Just those two little words had made you all sorts of a mess, and he hasn't even done much of anything. "Don't get too worked up darling, we have a meeting to attend." He chuckles as he steps off the elevator that had opened only seconds ago. You just scoff, your cheeks reddening as you stride right past him, maneuvering through the expanse of people that had just left the staff room, in order for the upcoming meeting to advance.

The moment you were sat in the room and time had passed to where everyone had finally shown up, you felt that lingering feeling of eyes on you. A pair of hazel eyes to be exact, who was sat far from you at the end of the long table. For meeting him not too long ago, he sure did seem comfortable around everyone. It was entirely too soon for you to be liking him already, better yet imagining different scenarios with him as someone boringly rambled. You decided that you'd forget him for the time being and focus on your job, as much as possible.

Though it would be granted as difficult as time moved on..

"That's the conclusion of this meeting. I thank everyone for being here, and I especially appreciate your appearance, Mr. Dolan. I'm happy to say that things around here will continue a lot smoother than it did in the past. And I know most others would agree." Burt Wallace, one of the coordinators, concluded after standing from his seat to dismiss everyone with a nod. While everyone dillydallied in conversations with one another, you in the other hand, hustled straight out of that room and towards the same elevator you had used earlier. The moment you clicked the button, the doors opened wide and you hopped in, tucking yourself in the corner while you gained your breath. You smile to yourself at the successful 'escape' from any questions or perhaps a witty comment from a certain CEO on the loose.

You sigh happily to yourself, watching the doors close again until a hand is stuck between them, pushing them straight back to reveal the man you were somewhat avoiding. "Care if I join you again?" He asked, but he still entered otherwise, clicking one of the many buttons to make the door close. "Did I have a choice?" You almost scoff, feeling his shoulder brush against your own as he stood in the same spot he had previously stood in. "Nah, not really, but I like to seem like a little bit of a gentleman." He answers, the roll of your eyes substituting for the internal scoff that you hadn't let out. The two of you rode in silence for what seemed to be eternity, only the faint sounds of your breaths being heard. As soon as the elevator door clanged and opened, you made a beeline out of there and hustled toward your organized workspace like there was a snake chasing you.

"What's the rush?" Ana Rita, one of the only tolerable women in this entire building, asked as you ducked under your desk. Even though you hadn't looked back to check, you had a feeling he'd follow you, or worse, ask you to meet him in his office. You weren't exactly sure why you were hiding from him, he seemed pretty nice. But he truly intimidated you. Not in a competitive way, more so a physical way. "And why the fuck are you down there?" The redhead crinkled her brows as she looked down her long nose at you. "Just, shhhh!" You bellow quietly, covering your pursed lips with your index finger.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck. Hot man, six o'clock! Get your ass out of there!" She violently whispered at you, frantically tidying herself for the "hot man," presumably Mr. Dolan as you had predicted, approached your desks. You tightly hug your knees from under your desk, praying to god that he wouldn't somehow see you. "After noon, sir, may I help you?" You cringe at the seductive tone lined in her voice, something that Mr. Dolan unfortunately probably gets a lot of. "I'm looking for Ms. Y/L/N, I have some issues to discuss with her." Yet again, his girthy voice made you sigh with comfort. It's extremely calming to listen to.

"She's actually right here—" Ana, the little asshole she is in this moment, points straight at you as you plead with your eyes and shake your head vigorously. You suddenly see his handsome head peer over at you, his brows scrunched with confusion. "Uhm, cords were messed up, gotta fix them." You awkwardly chuckle, patting the outlet box stuffed with all your monitor's cords. You bring yourself out from below your desk as the two stared at you, dusting your front side and settling down in your office chair with a nervous smile.

"I'd like to have a word with you, in my office."

(masterlist)

[caswellprmanager]

the caswell wears prada

read it on ao3!

Summary: EJ's style is simple and functional but Ricky discovers he's capable of more than just letterman jackets and white sneakers. (Part 4 of my trans!ej and genderqueer!ricky AU.)

Author's Notes: I have this little headcanon that EJ used to model baby clothes when he was a baby. Then only went back to modelling once he transitioned to the point he was comfortable enough. Also not me giving Ashlyn's parents a purpose except for just leaving the house empty enough for Ashlyn to throw parties. Hope you guys enjoy!

Warning: Implied Sexual Content at the very end but since it's not explicit, I'll just let y'all use your imaginations.

Ricky has almost exclusively seen EJ in basic white boy clothes. It's usually just a nice fitting t-shirt, some branded jacket, jeans, and branded sneakers. It's not exactly avant-garde but Ricky can appreciate the fact that EJ has found a distinct style that's both understated yet elevates his already good looks.

But from what Ricky has learned in the few months that they've been dating EJ is that just because he dresses like that, it doesn't mean EJ does not have an eye for fashion.

Ricky learned this one day when the two of them were hanging out with Gina and Ashlyn at Ashlyn's house.

Ashlyn's mom was the Editor-In-Chief of an editorial fashion magazine that focuses on highlighting brands that promote sustainable fashion. She also runs a design company herself. Every other minute, she'd be going in and out of her design studio with a phone against her ear and a different meter of fabric in her hands. Her job is also the reason why Ashlyn's parents aren't usually home. Ashlyn's mom would be invited to different fashion events or she'd meet with a client about a new start-up. Ashlyn's dad accompanies her so that she wouldn't overwork herself.

None of that is new to Ricky. What is new, however, is EJ's involvement in her work.

"Ashlyn!" Mrs. Caswell rushes in, a hundred different scarves wrapped around her neck. Ricky wonders if she can breathe beneath all that cashmere and silk. "Darling, I need your help."

"What is it, mom?" Ashlyn asks, pausing the movie the four of them were watching.

Instead of responding, Mrs. Caswell just runs back to her home studio with a hurried click of her heels. Ashlyn looks at the rest of the group with a shrug, moving to stand up until her mom comes rushing back in – this time with a little purple hat perched on her strawberry blond locks.

"EJ, sweetheart! You come too. I need your opinion on a few things." Before any of them could say anything, she's disappeared back into her studio in a flurry of scarves and sequins.

EJ doesn't even bat an eye and moves to follow his cousin out of the living room. Ricky grabs his hand before he could leave, asking him what Ashlyn's mom wants his opinion on. EJ isn't exactly Paris Fashion Week, if Ricky was gonna be honest.

EJ just smiles, placing a chaste kiss on Ricky's lips before saying, "I'll tell you when we get back."

With that statement, Ricky and Gina are left alone, both feeling more confused than before.

"Does that happen often?" Ricky asks Gina, who is picking through the popcorn bowl.

"Ashlyn's mom being weird?" Gina tosses a popcorn kernel up into the air before catching it into her mouth flawlessly. "I've seen Ashlyn help her a few times. But I haven't seen her call EJ into that room before."

"Yeah..." Ricky picks at a loose thread on their jeans. "Didn't really peg EJ as the fashionable type."

Gina pauses in her pursuit of the perfect popcorn kernel and raises a questioning eyebrow towards Ricky. "Hold up... EJ never told you?"

"Told me... what?" Ricky started to panic a little bit. They never liked hearing ominous phrases like that from other people. It fuels their already present anxiety about dating someone who is way out of their league like EJ – someone who could leave Ricky at any time if they realize that Ricky will never be good enough for them.

Gina seems to realize this quickly enough and she tries to diffuse the situation before it gets worse. "Oh! No no no, Ricky, it isn't bad!"

"Then what is it?" Instead of answering, Gina just looks over shoulder at the direction of where the Caswell Cousins went to. After a few seconds of making sure the coast is clear, she tilts her head and motions for Ricky to follow her.

Gina leads Ricky to the spare guest room that EJ occupies sometimes when he doesn't want to sleep at home. In fact, sometimes this room is literally just called EJ's extra room because he's here so frequently. Ricky's napped here a couple of times so it isn't a new place. But he's usually too tired to explore it due to some recent emotional problem or another.

By the far wall is a dresser that Ricky hasn't ever thought to look through. Gina beckons him to come closer as she opens the bottom drawer.

"Ashlyn showed me this when I first moved in. We had to call EJ immediately after because I just had... so many questions." After a few seconds of rummaging, Gina brings out a small stack of magazines triumphantly.

Ricky recognizes the magazines immediately as the same ones Ashlyn's mom is the Editor-In-Chief for.

"Are those...?" Ricky asks and Gina nods excitedly, motioning for him to sit down next to her. The two of them peer through the old issues together, pointing at things they think would look nice on them.

Before they turn to the middle spread, Gina turns to them with a serious look in her eye. "Ricky, I need you to brace yourself."

Ricky tilts their head in confusion. "For what?"

"Just," And Gina can't even hide her giddy little smile. "Get ready."

Ricky can't even bring themself to respond before Gina is showing them the middle spread of the magazine. Their mind skids to a halt when they see a younger EJ staring back at them from the glossy pages, dressed head to toe in the finest three-piece dress suit Ricky's ever seen.

And it isn't just that, EJ's all over the spread – dressed in all kinds of outfits. From gorgeously crafted lace button downs to tastefully styled overcoats – EJ models the shit out of them. Ricky scans the pages in awe because they've never seen EJ wear stuff like this. Sure, they've seen EJ in a suit during homecoming but not one with embroidered roses across the vest or paired with diamond encrusted gold jewelry.

Gina turns the page and Ricky lets out a small gasp.

It's a two page Ashlyn and EJ spread – the cousins looking absolutely ethereal dressed in the most delicate fabric embroidered with flowers along the seams. Their skin is glowing beneath the sunset, the light catching at the highlights on their cheekbones. But what really got to Ricky is one very small but powerful detail:

The flowers along EJ's shirt and the makeup he's wearing are in the trans flag colors.

"Ricky, look." Gina points at the small interview portion at the corner of the page, smiling when Ricky reads it and realizes that it's about EJ.

E.J. Caswell – Teen Transgender Model

"I've been avoiding modeling since I started transitioning and coming back to it was really scary." Says teen model E.J. Caswell. "But when my aunt gave me the opportunity to finally speak my truth through fashion, I knew that I wouldn't regret this decision in the long run."

"There are still so many moments where I hate my body. It's gonna take a while until that goes away. And maybe it won't. Ever." E.J. tells us with a sad smile. "But this is a start – and I get to style some really cool clothes while I'm at it!"

When Ashlyn Caswell was asked about the significance of this project to her cousin and to future transgender models, she smiled softly, making it abundantly clear how much she adores her older cousin. "E.J. is one of the bravest people I know. He's always been an inspiration to me and I'm so proud of him for doing this on his own terms. Plus, I'm really happy he asked me to be a part of it with him. But don't tell him I said that! I'll never hear the end of it."

"She said that?" E.J. said with barely concealed glee. "Aww, Ashlyn!"

Ricky and Gina giggle at the mental image of EJ probably giving an exasperated Ashlyn a big bear hug after his interview. Ricky can't help but stare at the spread again, lightly trailing his finger over EJ's face with a soft smile. He really is so beautiful. Ricky sometimes can't believe that someone as gorgeous as EJ is real.

"Looks like Gina beat me to it."

The sound of EJ's voice by the doorway makes the two of them freeze and turn to see both Caswell cousins looking at them with knowing smiles. But Ashlyn and EJ weren't wearing what they were wearing before Ashlyn's mom called them for help.

Instead, Ashlyn was wearing a floor length pink chiffon dress with embroidered roses scattered along its sleeves and body. EJ was wearing a dress shirt of similar color and material, pairing it with white dress pants and a ruby encrusted rose broach.

"Well look at you two supermodels!" Gina squealed in glee, bounding over to gush over Ashlyn's outfit. Ricky stays rooted in their spot on the floor, their eyes never leaving EJ's. EJ approaches them slowly and takes a seat on the bed next to Ricky. He moves into an effortless pose, making Ricky blush more than necessary.

EJ smiles at them, eyes sparkling mischievously. "Hi."

"H-Hi." Ricky says, moving to face EJ with shaky legs. "You look nice."

"Just nice?" EJ leans down with a smirk, a lock of hair falling to his forehead like some goddamn romance movie. Ricky didn't even notice that even his hair was styled differently. Was EJ growing his hair out? Why didn't he warn me?

"I'd say something dirtier but I don't wanna traumatize the girls." EJ laughs at that and Ricky could only stare at the way EJ throws his head back with the most beautiful smile they've ever seen.

This isn't fair. EJ is sitting here looking like he was plucked straight out of a Vogue magazine while Ricky's sorry ass is on the floor in pajama pants and an old hoodie. Fuck. They should have texted Kourtney for help with their outfit today.

"You're so cute," EJ leans forward even closer, so close that EJ's able to lightly graze their noses together. "Maybe I should dress like this more often to make you blush like that."

Ricky contemplates on the statement for a bit, imagining what it would be like if EJ were to wear more designer clothes to school everyday. EJ right now certainly looks confident and cool. Plus, he gets the added bonus of Ricky looking extra flustered around him.

But at the end of the day, it's EJ's body and EJ gets to choose whatever makes him feel good.

Besides, Ricky fell for EJ without all the bells and whistles.

"You don't have to wear fancy clothes to make me think you're gorgeous." Ricky says before they can stop themself from saying it. But it's out now and there's no turning back. EJ's eyes widen but they eventually soften after processing what Ricky said.

"It doesn't matter what I think, though." Ricky says, reaching for EJ's hand. "What matters is that you're happy. Whether you're wearing a potato sack or Versace. As long as you feel comfortable and you're seeing your favorite self in the mirror, I'll tell you that you're the most handsome boy in the world."

Ricky scoots closer to place a soft kiss on EJ's nose before pressing their foreheads together. Ricky can't really tell who's smiling wider from this angle but they didn't care.

"My handsome boy." Ricky whispers, lightly tracing EJ's bottom lip with their thumb. EJ smiles even wider at the sound of that and it never fails to make Ricky happy seeing EJ so happy.

They're about to move in for another kiss when they hear Ashlyn cough from the doorway.

The two of them separate abruptly, both blushing profusely as the girls giggle behind their hands.

"We'll leave you two alone," Ashlyn says, grabbing Gina's hand to pull her back to the living room. "I'll tell mom you'll be late for dinner."

As soon as the door closes behind the girls, Ricky turns back to a still blushing EJ, a small but urgent thought manifesting to the front of their mind.

"I should take this off-" EJ doesn't even get the chance to finish his sentence before Ricky is pushing him down on the bed and straddling his hips. "R-Ricky?"

Ricky smirks, placing a single finger on EJ's lips as they lean forward to whisper in his ear,

"I'll help you take it off." EJ lets out the smallest whimper at that but Ricky shushes him, blowing against his earlobe. "But you have to be quiet, handsome."

As soon as EJ shakily nods his head yes, Ricky gets to work.

Unfortunately, they're more than a little late for dinner.

---

A/N: I've added some reference pics below if y'all want a better image of what EJ and Ashlyn were wearing hehe :>

[babylooneytoonz]

Summary: Your first meeting with Sergeant Barnes wasn't exactly charming, hell, it was a disaster. And the only adjectives that came to your mind when you thought about him were words like prick, bastard and a jackass. He made your life hell, and you lived to make sure you made him suffer. And neither of you realized, how your sole mission of tormenting each other became the most important part of your life.

Warnings: Bucky Barnes continues to be an ass // Reader has finally has it // War declared

Coffee Stains - Masterlist

Coffee Stains

Your anger still lingered inside of you like a deep rooted worm, even after you had stepped into the warm soothing shower, after your encounter with whoever the fuck that man was. You were still annoyed, and you were sure as hell worried that your mood might end up affecting your performance at the training today. You stood in your room, the pads of your feet nestled onto the feathery carpet that adorned the floor of your apartment, semi dressed when you heard Friday.

"Miss Y/N, Captain is here, waiting for you."

You frowned, wondering if it was already 7 and somehow, you had lost the track of time, but you noted that it was still 6: 40 pm by the clock.

"Thank you, Friday," that was the fastest you had ever gotten into your yoga pants, pulling it over your round bum, the elastic strap stinging against your soft fleshy belly as it hit it with a slap. The towel still rolled over your hair, you ran up to the door and flung it open, only to see Steve standing there with two people you didn't know of and who were probably newbies like you.

"Y/N, how are you holding up?" Steve asked in soft voice, and somehow you found your previous anger slowly melting away.

"Great, Steve. I thought I'm late on my first day," your lips now crept upwards in a grin, and Steve just shook his head, his hand flying to the back of his head as he ran his fingers through his blond locks.

"I thought I'd introduce you to the two of them, they were the only ones I could find lurking in the recreation room, so I dragged them here."

"No, you did not, I was the one that insisted I wanted to meet the newbie," the dark haired girl just winked playfully in your direction, and you couldn't help but snort at her words when you saw Steve's face turn crimson like a cherry.

"I'm Wanda, well, people around here might call me stuff like the Sokovian witch and all that, but when they're saying that, consider it is me they're talking about." The woman threw out her hand towards you, her hand extended in a shake, and you took her hand, feeling a comfortable warmth radiating from her. Wanda then turned towards the one to her right, and smiled, "Well this one doesn't talk much, but you'll like him."

"Hello Miss Y/N, my name is Vision, and I have taken it upon myself to welcome you to our team."

"Thank you Vision, it's my pleasure." You shook his hand; the little meet and greet causing you to temporarily forget about the man; the stranger you had met in the kitchen a few minutes back.

Steve's thick voice reaching your ears caused you to turn towards him, and you saw him looking at the trio of you with a small smile playing on his lips.

"Well, I'll leave you guys to it– " He took a step away, his front turned towards you, but his steps moving backwards until he was now a good distance away, " Y/N, I will expect you to be at the training room in ten minutes." With that, his heavy footsteps retreated away, until you couldn't hear him anymore, and you were left standing with Wanda and Vision, on your doorstep.

"Around here, punctuality is the key. And in general," Vision began.

╞═════𖠁𐂃𖠁═════╡

Vision and Wanda lingered around in your apartment for the next ten minutes along with you, talking to you about the life at the Avengers Towers and how you got used to it once you had started adjusting.

"After a while, it feels like you are living with your roommates, except the fact that they all are superheroes," Wanda chuckled, as she watched you place your glasses away and pull out your contact lenses and fix them into your eyes.

Exactly nine minutes later, you left your apartment, and slowly started making you way towards the training room with your newly found friends, who you realized just couldn't stop bantering and talking amongst themselves; and it was cute, not in a way you felt left out. The three of you made your way to the fourth floor, and towards the training room when Wanda and Vision finally parted ways with you as it was time for their own training as well, leaving you alone.

It wasn't long before you reached the training room, but before you could step in, you heard muffled voices from the inside, until you strained your ears a little and an automatically induced frown found its way to your forehead.

"What's gotten you so grumpy today, Buck?"

Steve.

The other voice that replied wasn't one of the voices you really wished to hear again.

"What's with Stark hiring all the weirdos found in NYC? I can't believe my best tshirt got ruined."

"Come on Buck, it was a tshirt. And besides, I'm sure it was an accident."

"Who the hell cares what it was, if I was Stark, I would have fired her lousy ass right away."

"Buck, language."

You couldn't believe this piece of shit was still stuck over what had happened that afternoon. You couldn't say you had forgotten about it, but atleast you were acting all grown up and weren't bitching about it to anyone. And here he was, bitching around with none other than your mentor. This day was getting worse and worse, and you internally begged to call it a day and disappear into your apartment so you could peacefully spend your night curled in that soft, mushy pillows and the silken sheets.

You cleared your throat, intentionally, so you could announce your presence and as if on cue, Bucky's head snapped in your direction and his scowl widened, making him narrow his eyes at you.

"You again? The hell you following me around for? If you're here to apologize– "

Steve's eyes widened when he sensed the tension slowly rising in the room and it wasn't like he was daft. Having put the two and two together, he understood now that the person responsible for putting Bucky in this foul mood had been you, well not intentionally.

"Buck, easy. She is our newest recruit. Thank you for being on time, Agent."

Bucky took a double take, his eyes raking over you, in a very obvious way; and not in a sexual kind of a way but in a way to believe that he was truly shocked. This annoyed you even more and your fingers clenched against your sides.

"You got to be kidding me, punk. She can't even walk straight while holding a darn mug of coffee."

That's it, you had it with him taking continuous digs at you.

"You know, you deserved it. And now I wish it wasn't just coffee but something way worse. Probably horse piss," you literally spat and if it wasn't for Steve who had now fixed himself in front of you, blocking the two of you from slamming anything you could lay your hands on, into each other's faces, things would have gotten messy in the training room within seconds.

"Bucky–" he warned, his palm outstretched towards him, glaring at him, "we have to train now."

He then turned towards you, his expression reflecting a bit of disappointment in his orbs, "Y/N, I expect atleast one of you to be sensible, and if not, then cordial, he is a senior in here."

It suddenly clicked in the back of your head. You had watched the coverage of the Battle of Triskelion on TV. So, this was him, that ass, Winter Soldier. Of course, this man had issues, like really serious ones. But that didn't excuse the way he was behaving with you. But also, you knew that Steve was right. There was no point in engaging with him, so you decided to just be cordial, if it meant not having to deal with his shit anymore.

"Fine." You grumbled, almost under your breath.

Running your hand through your short shoulder length (Y/H/C) hair, you finally walked up to where Steve was standing, already in the Captain America mode now.

"Today, we'll test your hand to hand combat skills," you heard him say and you nodded your head, zoning out all the unwanted presences in the training room, although you could feel Bucky's piercing gaze on you. You knew he wanted to watch you fail, and falter but you weren't going to give him a chance.

╞═════𖠁𐂃𖠁═════╡

Sweat drenched down your face, dripping off your neck, as you shifted the weight of your body and threw out your fisted palm towards your mentor, with a sudden looping overhand, but Steve managed to block your punch, his own aim now towards your nose. Your reflexes had kicked in, causing you to duck at the right time and block his punch, at the same time managing to knock him off his feet with your foot thrown out.

Captain America was hard to beat, but so were you.

The distance had once again taken its place in front of the two of you, and the two of you were ready for another round, and you were glancing at your opponent, analyzing what he was thinking, what his next moves were. He was subdued, the weight of his body shifted to his left, his eyes narrowed at you, probably ready to attack, but you couldn't be sure; maybe he wanted you to attack first, and then he would counter you.

Suddenly, he lunged at you, his fists aimed in an attack and you had been wrong there, to study his body language, and even worse, when you let yourself get distracted when you heard a low, meenacing and annoying voice reach out to you, "Agent.. are you sure you can see Steve, because you don't seem to have your glasses on. Not that you know where to go even with them on."

Your eyes flew to him in disbelief and your mouth curved into a perfect O, making you lose your fighting stance, and your guard. Steve was already fast, and when he heard Bucky's taunt, he tried to shoot him a sharp glare for distracting you, but he couldn't stop himself, he was so in momentum, his heavy palm cracked against your abs, throwing you away, down on the mat with a force you didn't think was possible.

Steve threw his hands in the air, as he rushed over to you, kneeling down beside you, to check if you were alright, but you gave him a tight lipped smile and nodded, sitting upright, shooting Bucky a glare.

"I didn't know they taught you these cheap tactics of distracting people back at the army, Sergeant."

Bucky smiled, leaning forward slightly, so his elbows were resting against his knees, his lips stretched into what looked like an evil smirk.

"Weak people always find excuses, one way or the other. You let yourself get distracted."

He stood up, with slow steps, walking over towards you. By that time, you had lifted yourself off the mat, and your hands had flown to your hips, your neck held upright. Bucky stepped onto the mat, moving in front of Steve, who had opened his mouth in protest, but hadn't yet said anything, until Bucky was in your face, giving you a stare down.

"This is the real deal. I don't know where you came from or what you did. But this is the real deal. There will be real enemies, and they will do everything on their part to distract you. There is no room for weakness here."

Suddenly, a feeling of dread washed over you, it wasn't exactly dread, but it was something else all together, like a sudden burst of adrenaline , perhaps provoked by his words, but also because of his close proximity. You hadn't realized till that moment, and perhaps, neither had he, but he was so close, you could feel his hot breath on your face which caused your eyes to involuntarily fall over his lips for a second, and then back up, until you caught him smirking down at you, probably basking in his little mountain of victory.

You only thanked Steve inwardly, when he suddenly stepped in, breaking whatever this moment was, when he grabbed Bucky's palm and pulled him away from you, his eyes now on him, a look passing between the two of them that you couldn't decipher. Maybe it was a best friend thing between them, something only the two of them knew of.

"Buck, that's enough, she was good, and you know she was."

"I agree."

When a foreign voice sounded in the room, the three heads involuntarily snapped in that direction, only to find Sam Wilson leaning against the door, a half eaten apple in his hand, and his mouth moving as he was chewing on it.

"What?" He shrugged, his voice sounding unclear as his mouth was completely stuffed, "that was the Captain that she just fought. And I am impressed."

Your expressions softened, and a smile broke out on your lips and you nodded towards Sam, who nodded back with his eyes twinkling at you.

Bucky shrugged and finally, he let his shoulders relax, and shot you a quick look, "I don't think so. I think you just went soft on her."

You scoffed in disbelief, biting your lower lip to bite back from barking back at him and moved away from the mat to grab a chilled bottle of water that lay on a table. Your fingers worked on the bottle and at the same time, your eyes remained on Bucky, and Sam who had now joined the two of the super soldiers. You could see that Steve was trying to knock some sense into Bucky, tell him how he was just overdoing it, but Bucky just deadpanned, his glare fixed on you until he again took a dig at you, and this time you couldn't take it.

"Did it hurt? That blow to your –" He pointed his index finger towards his abs, that cocky smirk still draped over his lips,   "Now maybe that's payback, for almost burning me a few hours back."

His words caused you to almost tighten your grip on the bottle, the grip so hard, the plastic of the bottle almost shrank. You took a deep breath, taking one step towards him, slowly, before your pace rose, and you were striding towards him, your eyes brewing with anger. The bottle was still in your hand, the cap laying abandoned on the table, so when you were sure you were at a close proximity from him, you tipped the bottle, letting the cold water drain through his tshirt, right on his abs, drenching him completely.

"There you go, I think it won't burn now, I feel I should have done that hours back, atleast you wouldn't be crying about it till now."

Steve closed his eyes, his palm flying to his face as he swiped his hand over his face. He knew that things were going to get murky now, and things had gotten out of hand, which is why his grip on Bucky's arm tightened. Bucky was seething, partly in rage, and partly due to a sudden flush of what he could only name as embarrassment, while Sam was openly smirking at what he had just witnessed.

A woman had managed to shut the Winter Soldier up, and how, with cold water right on his burns.

Today was a good day.

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[fitzs-trained-monkey]

Chapter Three: If We Have Each Other.

~When the world's not perfect When the world's not kind If we have each other then we'll both be fine. I will be your brother and I'll hold your hand. You should know I'll be there for you. I will always be there for you~

"Dude, we are in some serious jelly," I proclaimed as I paced around the small perimeter of the tree house.

"And that jam!" Isaac added from where he remained sitting at the table.

"Tight spot."

"Indeed!"

"Up a tree!" I supplied.

"Lost in the grass!" He offered. I swung around, shaking my finger at him.

"I'll tell ya what's grass, our- AAH FRACKLES!"  I had stepped on a stray nail in one of the floorboards. Hobbling my way back into my chair, I thunked my head against the table.

"But look at the bright side." Isaac leaned back in his chair. "Seeing as how our grand-theft-hairbrush is going viral and all, there is still a chance that me flipping the camera off could become a meme!" He pointed out. Slowly, I raised my head to stare at him.

"Are you kidding me right now?" I asked, narrowing my eyes.

"Consider it, Marty! All it took was five years being dead and now I'm finally fulfilling my life-long dream! If I'd known it was this easy, I would have killed myself a long time ago and spared me all that drama and emotional damage," Isaac smirked. I shook my head, my gaze drifted back to the Vader figure and snow globe sitting side-by-side on the shelf.

"Please don't talk like that Isaac," I sighed. Isaac's face fell.

"Sorry, I-I wasn't thinking," He apologized. I nodded.

"It's okay." It wasn't, but what more could be said when you didn't want to speak?

"Hey," Isaac spoke softly, ducking his head to get me to look at him, "Even if things go sour, I'm gonna be here for you. Just like I promised. Through thick and thin, remember?"

"Through thick and thin."

Smiling weakly, I repeated our life long mantra. I took a deep breath and focused back in on the problem.

"Alright, man. We gotta figure out a game plan. That video is gonna bring every hunter and their mom up here to ice our, or my, gluteus maximus. And if they know about the minimart then they know about the hospital. So, what's our play?"

"Well, I say you use your Sweet-Talkin' thing and talk any o'those alcoholic weirdos out of it," Isaac suggested. I shook my head.

"Isaac, you know how much I hate doing that."

Although it was a tempting idea, that wasn't something I wanted to mess with. If you start playing with the dark things, the dark things start playing with you. That wasn't a concept I liked, but Isaac would never understand that.

"I'm just saying it’s an option! And an easy one at that," Isaac pushed. I glared at him.

"I'm not doing that."

"It might come to it, Marty. I'm just saying as a plan C it-"

"The answer is no! Moving on." My tone killed and buried the subject. Isaac raised his hands in surrender.

"Fine. But misinformation is still our strongest tool. We should use it. Tell anybody who asks that it was all done on a computer," He conceded.

"Alright, that's plan A. What's plan B?"  Isaac's face twisted in thought. I let him do any and all planning when it came to telling a lie because he was so much better at making it convincing than I was. Isaac was the king of spouting believable bull crap. In fact, he would have made and excellent demon. That guy could probably get an angel to sell its soul for a box of holy doughnuts. When the idea hit Isaac's brain, I could almost see a light bulb light up above his head. He leaned forward, exited.

"Okay, I got it. We make up some BS story about a gay black dude who got chopped up by the ferry or something and the hospital wouldn't help him because all the doctors were racist homophobes, and it was the 50's." He nodded at me very seriously. Like I said, Isaac was king.

"That's is the worst, most ridiculous and stupid story I have ever heard," I told him. Isaac's nodding grew more excited. "It's perfect. They'll buy every word. Just one thing though, what about the mini-mart?" I pointed out.

Isaac opened his mouth before closing it again. Then he opened it. Then he closed it. Open. Closed. Open. Closed. This happened several more times before he finally came up with something good.

"So, our gay black guy was also a nice hobo dude and after he died he started stealing crap to give to his hobo buddies." Isaac gave me a thumbs up. I nodded.

"Okay, sounds good, sounds good. How do we explain me?" I splayed my hands. Isaac huffed and rolled his eyes, leaning back again and tucking his hands behind his head.

"Well, that’s easy. The camera never even caught a glimpse of your face, so you're his anonymous theft buddy slash item distributer!" He explained. I grinned at my fantastic phantasmal co-conspirator.

"Excellent, and of course nobody knows who the thief is. Especially not, innocent little me!" I chuckled at his brilliance.

"Exactly!" Isaac smirked.

"It's perfect! Except one last thing. We're gonna need some eyes and ears in on this. Someone to alert us when someone fishy comes lurking about," I said. Isaac nodded seriously.

"You're right. But who can we trust around here?" He asked. I could feel the smile split across my face.

"I can think of only one man for this job. A man as trustworthy as he is slimy. A man scrubbed clean by his own filth. A man so wonderful, words do him no justice!" I declared dramatically. Isaac was confused for a moment before realization dawned. His face fell.

"Please tell me you're not thinking what I think you're thinking."

"I think I am." I grinned. Isaac just sighed.

"Marty, no."

"Marty, yes!"

- 45 minutes later-

"Yo! Danny, my man! How's life?" I called out. Dan-the-Dope-Man looked up from...whatever it was he was doing outside Copper Harbor's one and only pharmacy. The pharmacy which he, in fact, owned. Honestly, I didn't want to know exactly what he had been doing behind the pile of cardboard boxes that were stacked up against the moldy brick. I figured it was better if I didn't. Dan smiled a grin that was missing two teeth.

"Marty! My worst customer and only friend! Life's good!" He greeted me, kicking a few of the boxes over to hide whatever suspicious activity it was that he had been up to. He winked and walked over to me, pushing his absolutely disgusting blond hair out of his face. "But, you know, business is betta'," He concluded.

I could never tell how tall Dan was, in this form especially. See, Dan-the-Dope-Man was a shapeshifter, though of course, no one else in the town knew that. That's how he was the owner of the pharmacy as well as a drug dealer. His other form, Jonathan De’ Santos, was the tall, 40-year-old, honest-looking Hawaiian man that ran the pharmacy. In this form, however, Dan was a somewhere-in-the-upper-five-foot-range Caucasian guy from Brooklyn with a thing against bathing. He said that the grungy, sewer-rat look was better for his side business. I wasn't sure how much of that I bought, but then again, who's gonna buy drugs from the guy who's supposed to make sure you don't destroy yourself with them.

"I bet it is!" I said, taking a step back when he reached me because, like I said, the guy had a thing against hygiene.

"This is a terrible, terrible idea," Isaac muttered, leaning on the wall to my left. I couldn't reply to him because although Dan knew what I was he didn't know about Isaac. So all I could do was give him a rude gesture behind my back. He saw it and stuck his tongue out at me.

"What can I do fo' ya, Marty?" Dan always pronounced my name as 'Mawty' at least in this form as it had a Brooklyn accent.

"Well, o' Danny boy, I have some rather bad news to deliver," I continued, "There might be some hunters coming to town soon."

Dan frowned; his eyes narrowed at me as he folded his arms over his chest.

"Well, that ain't good. Whatt'id ya do, Marty?" He asked. Sometimes Dan could be like my older brother, even if he didn't realize it.

"Woah, woah, woah! Who said I did anything?!" I defended. Dan just raised an eyebrow.

"You're always showin' off and ya know it," He said simply.

"He's right, you know," Isaac interjected. I wished I could tell him to shut his eidolic cake hole. It wouldn't have made much of a difference if I could, as he would still have continued talking, but the principle remained the same. Isaac was annoying. He needed to shut his mouth now and again. But I couldn't say that right now because he was a flipping ghost and ghosts are invisible. Mostly.

Ignoring Isaac, I opened my mouth to try to argue with Dan but quickly closed it again when found that I couldn't, because he was absolutely right. Now, I couldn’t admit that to him because Isaac was right here and that would be saying that he was right about something, and that was a thing I would never hear the end of.

"In regards," I started again.

"You'd just say 'regardless'," Isaac chimed in. I had to physically bite my tongue to keep from screaming at him to shut up.

"Regardless," I corrected. Isaac chuckled. I really needed to get myself some iron gauntlets or something so I could give his apparitional arse an involuntary appendectomy. Or just an iron ring so I could punch him in the face.

"Regardless, it wasn't me. This time. It was some attention seeking moron with a computer. That combined with my little hospital trips and you get something fishy looking." I finally managed to finish my sentence without Isaac chiming in.

"Well then ya betta' keep ya head down, Marty. I don' wan' ya gettin hurt." A dark look crossed over Dan's usually upbeat face. "Or worse," He finished.

"I know Danny, which is why I need you to do something for me," I said. Isaac sighed and face palmed but I ignored it.

"What?" Dan asked.

"I need you to watch out for any newcomers asking weird questions. I've got a plan if any hunters get too close to us, I just need to know who and where they are," I told him.

See, the pharmacy, the mini-mart, the bar, and the barber shop all sat across from each other at a four way intersection. Thus, Dan would have an excellent view of any hunter's first two targets. The origin of the supernatural activity, in this case the mini-mart, and the bar. He would be the perfect spy. Dan looked at me strangely.

"Say, Marty, you ain't plannin' on gankin' any a' dose' suckas' now are ya?" He asked, caution evident in his voice. I sighed, shaking my head internally. This was just another downside of being what I was. Everybody thinks you're a murderer. Though I knew I was far from innocent, I had never killed anyone. At least, anyone who didn't deserve it.

"Come on, Danny. In all the time you've known me, have I ever, er, ganked anyone?" I asked him, spreading my hands as if to catch the obvious answer.

"Well, no. But people can change," Dan pointed out. I rolled my eyes.

"Dan, I'm not gonna kill anyone. There, ya happy?" I said, only mildly aggravated. Isaac decided it was time to speak up again.

"You may not. But I will. If it comes to that. I won't let anybody hurt you, Marty. Not again. Not when I can do something about it."

I knew he was saying this now so I wouldn't be able to argue with him. Then I would forget and if he did kill someone Isaac would say he'd said he would. I ground my teeth together and reminded myself that it wasn't going to come to that. I wouldn't let it.

Meanwhile, Dan thought about what I'd spoken aloud.

"Yeah okay, but if anybody comes sniffin' I'm skippin', kay?" He agreed. I nodded.

"Okay, take care of yourself, Danny."

"You too, Marty." I smiled at him and began to walk away. Isaac pushed himself off the wall and trudged behind me, complaining loudly.

"Make sure you take care of yourself too, Issac! I'd hate myself if anything happened to you, Isaac! I wouldn't be able to survive without you, Isaac! Thanks Marty, your friendship means everything to me!" He said, sarcasm dripping from his voice. "Ugh! Why do I even bother?"

I smirked giving him the sign for 'I love you' behind my back.

"Aw shut up!"

But I knew he was smiling.

~So, I'm thankful for my sister even though sometimes we fight When high school wasn't easy, she's the reason I survived. I know she'd never leave me and I hate to see her cry. I just wanna tell her that I'm always by her side. I just wanna tell her that...

The worlds not perfect, but it’s not that bad. If we've got each other and that’s all we have I will be your brother and I'll hold your hand You should know I'll be there for you When the world's not perfect When the world's not kind If we have each other then we'll both be fine I will be your brother and I'll hold your hand You should know I'll be there for you.

I will always be there for you.~

Lyrics from: If We Have Each Other by Alec Benjamin