#so i tried to offer an alternative version of the story to reflect both

[hnwriter]

So I wrote (another) fic.

Hera, debriefing Yavin IV on her mission and Kanan’s death, reflects on her fractured memories and what Kanan means to her.

TW: drugging

There was a lot of of Jedi Night/Dume that I just....wasn’t happy with, so full disclosure, many elements of this are canon divergent. Namely the treatment of Hera’s torture and Kanera--I wanted a story that reflected Hera and the strength of the character I fell in love with and give her back the narrative that I felt she was robbed of within those episodes.

           “General, if this is too strenuous right now—”

           “Senator Organa, I’m fine. Simply—” A heavy sigh escapes her lips, giving her pause to choose her words carefully. “—tired. It’s been busy here on Lothal.” Flashes of blue. Flashes of red. Long silences she doesn’t understand, burning hot. It’s what she has left.

           Hera looks up to the holo of Senator Organa, Senator Mothma, General Ackbar—some of the Alliance’s highest command. They need her debrief.

           They need her.

           She clears her throat again and looks up—maybe, on Yavin IV, they could be thinking how it’s unlike their new General to not speak immediately, purposefully. Maybe.

           Maybe.

           “The IT-O interrogator took most of my memories. I crashed in the streets and ran when I could. There was a bounty hunter I couldn’t outrun—Imperial officers were closing in. Comms were jammed and I couldn’t get online to check on the rest of my squadron. I found one other pilot—he’s still here on Lothal with my crew and Ryder’s forces. His call sign, I don’t—”

           “We understand, General Syndulla.” Mon Mothma’s voice is soft, constant—it’s not exactly personal enough to be comforting but Hera appreciates the leave to continue speaking nonetheless. Focusing between the details of what she can remember feels like grasping for a specific single grain of sand along an entire beach.

           She hates feeling incompetent, incapable.

           She hates not knowing the inside of her own memories more. The pause makes her think of Maul and she grimaces for as long as it takes to remember his eyes peering through her skull, his powers shredding through her consciousness.

           It’s your mind, Hera. Still yours. The self-reassurance feels like a lie but gives her enough comfort to steel herself. Another breath. The General continues.

           “I was captured sometime in the middle of the night by Governor Arhinda Pryce and taken to her personal office where I was—” Flashes of light. Dark rooms. Red eyes. Pain.

           “—interrogated.” Mothma and Organa shift. They know what she means. “I don’t know for how long. Ryder or Ezra Bridger may have a more accurate assessment for you there. Vice Admiral Thrawn was there at some point—I don’t-I don’t remember much of what he says.” Her teeth grit.

           Flashes of blue.

           “My crew assembled a rescue mission for me—Ezra Bridger led it, assisted by Sabine Wren and Kanan Jarrus.” His name is a silver weight on her tongue, binding her teeth together. Her blood runs cold and her breath turns to ice.

          The room is nearly dark and he appears as a bright and electric blue. She can barely walk, barely speak—something holds her up and she’s reminded it’s Kanan when she looks up. He’s everything. She feels nothing.

          “I hate your hair.” He’s oddly calm. His banter is weak. It’s nuance she can’t pick up on because—cold air. They’re out of the office. Suspended. Long way down.

          He’s carrying her—she rests her forehead to his neck and attempts to find a center. It doesn’t come. Cannot come. There’s worry in his gaze when she jumps at every noise. She can’t react. Can’t think. Can’t—flashes.

          She continues.

           “I don’t—remember—much. I know we met the same bounty hunter at some point. We escaped through the same gliders that my crew rode in on—it caught fire at some point—”

           Flying. Cold air through the still wind of Lothal—there’s a parasitic sluggishness that’s invaded her skeleton, rendering half her strength into dead weight. Kanan’s next to her—Kanan—his hair’s different—and she’s flying—and she’s flying—

           The Kalikori is stuck underneath her arm—Kanan got it back—he got it for her. It’s her’s. Not Thrawn’s. There’s a wish lodged between her hijacked consciousness and her past that is reminding her she wanted to add Kanan to it one day. Zeb and Ezra and Sabine and Chopper, too. Her family.

           Crashing. Flying. Falling. Running. Climbing. She’s moving but not thinking—there’s enough of her awake to be horrified of how little she can process but so much of her is smothered she can do nothing but scream within her own head. Scream, thrash, claw, and climb—the poison entangles all of her instincts into a sticky, thickened mess. She’s sinking, sinking, sinking—

           “Kanan—”

           He looks back at her. Green. Gray. Red.

           “Kanan, I love you.” A laugh. The present? The memory?

           “You’re saying that like it’s something I haven’t heard before.” Tremble. Quiver. Fall. He grabs her waist and—that’s not—No, it is Kanan.

           “We landed at the fuel depot and climbed to the top.”

           “Why the fuel depot?” Ackbar asks. “It’s not exactly an easy place to land—"

           “I don’t know. Kanan just said go there. I couldn’t exactly strategize at the time.” Silence from the holocall.

           She continues.

           “I’m saying it because—” Why was she saying it? Why was she speaking? Why were they there? Where was she—

           “Hera, Hera, I know. It’s okay. I love you, too. You’re safe. Look, it’s Ezra and Sabine—” A ship in the distance. Boarding. The kids’ eyes. Sabine is flying. Not her flying. Not her flying—looking for Kanan. He’s still behind—

          “The fuel depot was shot and Kanan held back the explosion with the Force.”

           Red. Hot and burning—fire. Kanan’s eyes. It’s Lothal. It’s Gorse. It’s the first time she realized what he was and realizing now that this is all he’s going to be. It’s fragmented and fractured violently—Ezra is grabbing her—is that Ezra?—and it’s Kanan looking towards her. Sightless eyes that can’t see her and a soul that always did.

           “Kanan!” Why isn’t he moving? Why isn’t he there? She reaches out and it’s Gorse again and it’s the decade they’ve been together and their family and every moment alone. It’s every devotion of love made and the marriage they never needed. Why isn’t he moving closer? Was he already—

           She can’t see him anymore. Only orange. Only white.

           Tears. Sabine’s. Ezra’s. Her’s. Ezra has his arms around her and she looks to the stars.

The horizon of space, the longest friend she’s ever had, runs cold into her bones.

           “He was engulfed in the explosion while Sabine was able to fly away due to his Force push.”

           Sabine is yelling. Ezra is crying. She’s staring out into a horizon. Cold metal slips into her hand. Chopper. Her droid.

           It’s not Kanan.

           Silence echoes like blaster fire from the other end. Her debrief is over. They know the TIE factory is closed. There are no other details she can give—she can’t remember anything else. There’s only a war to win and a death to mourn.

           “Thank you, General Syndulla.” The quiet, patient voice of Senator Organa pulls her eyes to his. “I’m sorry for your loss.” There’s a second tone to his words she hears, and she thinks of his Queen. His wife. She hears exactly what he’s not saying. I know the fear of this loss. I’m sorry you’ve lived it. The pain of the sincerity stings hot in her chest—a decade she’s had with Kanan settle agonizingly in the back of her throat, building to tears she won’t let fall. Ten years of their special, hellfire, warbent happiness entwine around her ribs and in her ears, she hears the crack of her bones.

           “Thank you, Senator Organa. My crew lost a lot—” A husband. A mentor. A father. A partner. A friend. “—but we’ll continue on.”

           Silence again and she looks up to these powerful, brave beings. The blue-based imitation of their real selves cuts in half each other their determination—these are the architects of this Alliance, and the strongest voice in the beating, combined, communal hope every pilot and soldier feel. Each of them has lost. Each of them has been burned by this fire they’re stoking—they’ve each dedicated their lives to this rebellion.

           But, they’ve never not known a life that hasn’t been one of rebellion. It’s not to undermine their worth, but to her knowledge, they’ve never had their lives cut out of the sky. It’s unfair to make this assumption, she knows, but her grief makes it anyways—none of them had built a rebel out of shambles of themselves for the sake of someone else’s livelihood and freedom.

           Kanan had rebuilt his life for the Rebellion that took it. He did not die in vain, she knew it. Hera would not let herself think anything else, would not let his death be useless. But, she sees his lost soul in the lives of every Rebel, and she sees what she knew and what she loved and what she lost.

           He’d given so much. Been so much.

           “My crew and I will be staying on Lothal longer. There’s work that’s to be done and we understand you may not be able to send more forces here. I won’t ask for more, but I ask for the leave to continue our work. We can do good at an impactful level. Lothal has always been a beacon for hope and I won’t see it die.” They look at each other, think it over, but Senator Organa speaks first.

           “Do what you must, General Syndulla. And may the Force be with you.”

           “May the Force be with you.” The holo cuts out and she’s left alone with silence. Chopper who has rarely left her side since Kanan’s death is with Ezra, Sabine, and Zeb now, and she’s happy for that. They need each other.

           The Kalikori sitting across from her next to Kanan’s mask stands as tall as he did. It’s not hard to imagine him leaning on the wall, laughing at Sabine and Ezra bickering, In fact, it’s remarkably easy to see the line of his shoulders and the way his beard shift when he smiles. It takes no effort to see Sabine and Kanan standing at each other, the dark saber in her hand, Kanan’s in his, staring across thousands of years of war and being family nonetheless. Always. In the piece she carved to represent his life, Kanan is playing sabacc with Zeb and yelling after Chopper and sitting in her copilot’s chair again. She can almost reach out her hand and feel the curve of his face and the sensation of the scarred skin across his eyes and temple. Almost.

           Almost.

           Oxygen moves through Hera’s lungs and is exhaled, and it’s disorienting how much it hurts to do something that was once so remarkably easy. Again, she closes her eyes, and again she tries to search through her mind for any sliver of clarity of Kanan’s last moments alive. Again, there’s nothing but pain.

           And she’s furious. Furious she died and furious she can’t remember and furious that what she has is excruciating to pick through. Kanan’s last hour alive and most of her own memory of it has been built together on someone else’s story. It’s not right that he’s dead when he deserved longer, and there’s a logical part of her mind that says he knew the risk, but her pain flinches away from relief as easy as that.

           She’s together enough to be strong for her crew. When the General walks out, she hugs Sabine and Ezra and Zeb each as long as they need, not letting go until they do. She stays with her family and lets the silence hang and she can find enough strength to remain constant for them. Tears well in her eyes but, for the kids, she can remain together enough to hold them because no one knows Kanan for them like she did, so she can stay upright. For them. Because she has to. Because she needs to.

           When they go to sleep, she locks herself in a ship, flicks on the sound insulator, and screams. Screams because she should be able to remember, screams because her body still hurts from the torture, screams because she misses him and screams because they were in love during a war, but they still deserved longer. Hera fought for the future but only saw everyone else’s, never hers. Kanan saw his in his mind, and saw hers, and for them, he carried their dreams of a life together, so when Hera came to him in that way no one saw, their dreams were whole enough for her to carry, too.

           She screams until her voice is raw and cries until her eyes are dry and sting with the exertion. It all hurts too much, burns too hot, cuts too deep—a loss like this is not enough to bend her spine but stars, does she hurt anyways.

           Hera looks up to the stars. Just as they were when he died, they’re cold tonight, too. She doesn’t know how to be okay without him and doesn’t know how she’s going to adjust to any normal that doesn’t have him at her side. They did things together, and now that’s broken.

           Trembling fingers reach out to touch the duraglass, reaching for the stars like it’s Kanan’s hand. Presses her palm to the surface like it’s his chest—closes her eyes like she would when he kissed her. Her hand falls when her screams start again, because when she opens her eyes, it’s still not him.

           She falls asleep in the cockpit and in the morning, she leads.

           She continues.

[princesssarisa]

Disney's "Beauty and the Beast" is Fanon "Pride and Prejudice" (warning: long)

It goes without saying... or in other words, it is a truth universally acknowledged... that Disney's Beauty and the Beast is full of parallels with Pride and Prejudice.

First and foremost, of course, there's the central romance. A young woman and a young man meet. The man is of higher social status than the woman and tends to be unsociable, selfish, and rude. The woman is the first person to properly call out his behavior, so naturally they don't get along at first. But eventually they get to know each other better and learn to respect each other, the man becomes kinder and improves his manners, and ultimately they fall in love. Both works also include a possible alternate love interest for the heroine: a handsome, charming, popular foil to the hero, who turns out to a total cad. (Although a key difference is that Elizabeth is charmed and fooled by Wickham, while Belle always detests Gaston.) @starberry-cupcake has also, ingeniously, pointed out further similarities in the structure of the two stories. In both, the hero and heroine's animosity culminates in a scene where the hero behaves especially badly, seemingly ending any chance they had of becoming a couple (Darcy's first proposal/the West Wing incident). But then a dramatic turning point takes place, initiated by the hero, which leads the heroine to see him in a different light (Darcy's letter/the Beast saving Belle from the wolves). From that point on, they draw closer and closer together. But then a crisis involving the heroine's family suddenly separates them (Lydia's elopement/Maurice lost in the blizzard) and the hero shows just how far his growth has come by doing a great, selfless deed for the heroine, expecting nothing in return (Darcy bribing Wickham to marry Lydia and save the Bennets' good name/the Beast sacrificing his last chance to be human again by letting Belle go to save her father). Then an antagonist tries to separate them forever (Lady Catherine forbids Elizabeth to marry Darcy/Gaston tries to kill the Beast), but this only leads to their becoming a couple at long last (the news of his aunt's meddling inspires Darcy to propose again/the Beast's near-death leads to Belle confessing her love and breaking the spell). To all these things that @starberry-cupcake has noticed, I'll add one more. In both, early on, a close relative of the heroine's gets sick from being caught in the rain, which somehow leads to the heroine staying in the same house as the hero (although of course there's a big difference between "Jane has to stay in bed at Netherfield for a few days and Elizabeth decides to keep her company" and "the already sick Maurice will probably die if he stays in the dank, cold castle dungeon, so Belle offers to take his place as the Beast's prisoner").

But there's more to both stories than just those parallels. Pride and Prejudice also has quite a few popular misconceptions attached to it, which don't really reflect the novel. Maybe these stem from the popular 1995 and 2005 screen adaptations, or maybe they predate them, but either way, they're pervasive. And I would argue that Beauty and the Beast more closely resembles the pop culture "fanon" version of Pride and Prejudice than it does Austen's actual book.

#1 – First of all, there's the misconception that both Pride and Prejudice and Beauty and the Beast are stories of a flawed man changed by a role model woman, and that in both, the central character arc is his, not hers. But for Pride and Prejudice, that's not really true. Pride and Prejudice is more the story of two decent yet flawed people who both change and bring out the best in each other. Admittedly, the first half of the book is mostly from Elizabeth's point of view, and it sets us up to view her the same way she views herself, as the most sensible, perceptive person present, who cleverly observes and judges the silly and annoying people all around her. But the book's turning point isn't Darcy's revelation-filled letter alone; it's Elizabeth's resulting recognition that she hasn't been as clever or perceptive as she thought she was, and that her judgments of others have been based more in her own vanity than she realized they were. Elizabeth's humbling process is arguably more prominent than Darcy's, both because she's the protagonist and because it takes place on-page, while Darcy's is off-page and only revealed after it happens. But in Disney's Beauty and the Beast? The central character arc of the story is the Beast's learning to be a better person and becoming worthy of Belle's love. Several members of the creative team have described him as "the real protagonist," which Darcy could never be called. Belle's arc of learning to love him is a response to his development, not equivalent to it. The attempts I've seen to argue that Belle is flawed and does change along with the Beast ("She learns to let go of her grand fantasies and find happiness in everyday life," "She learns that people's characters aren't black-and-white and that they can change," "She learns to be less of a snob about who she considers friendship-worthy," etc.) might have a little truth in them, but for the most part, Belle is a clear-headed role model, who serves as the story's best judge of character and whose good or bad opinion is the narrative's barometer of morality.

#2 – Another popular misconception about Pride and Prejudice is that Elizabeth is a free-spirited, independent misfit who defies the social conventions of her time and place. Personally, I don't think that description entirely fits her, but it does fit Belle. True, Elizabeth is lively, strong-willed, both more athletic and more intellectual than a classic ingénue, and willing to stand up to her social superiors or to turn down an advantageous marriage if she dislikes the man. (Although unlike in the screen adaptations, she never says she's only willing to marry for love.) But she also cares very much – more than any other Bennet except Jane does – about pleasing others and following her society's basic rules of decorum. This is both a virtue and a fault, as it sets her apart from her rude, obnoxious family, yet it also leads her to mistake Wickham's gentlemanly charm for goodness and Darcy's stern aloofness for a bad nature. Besides this, she's outgoing and well liked by most (not all, but most) of the people she knows. But Belle is different. While she also cares strongly about good manners and being considerate, Belle is genuinely "never part of any crowd," with no friends her own age, and viewed as "odd" by most of her neighbors because her dreams, interests, and values are different from others of her time and place. That's part of the point of Disney's Beauty and the Beast: it's about two misfits who find acceptance and belonging in each other. Personally, at least, I don't see that theme in Pride and Prejudice.

#3 – Belle is a bookworm, and her preference for books over small talk and would-be husbands is one of her main "oddities" in the eyes of her neighbors. Elizabeth is often remembered as a bookworm too, based on Caroline Bingley's catty remark that she takes pleasure in nothing except reading. But that comment comes from just one incident – Elizabeth choosing to read instead of playing cards at Netherfield, not because she really prefers reading to cards but because they're playing for money and she can't afford to join in – and Elizabeth herself promptly refutes it by claiming that she's "not a great reader." Her favorite pastime, if she has just one, is going for walks, not reading; Darcy is more associated with books than she is.

#4 – The Beast has a redemption arc, while Darcy doesn't. Darcy never does anything morally shameful; he's just "disagreeable" and sometimes rude, dissuades Bingley from proposing to Jane (with good intentions), and fails to warn others about Wickham. Even at his most unpleasant, he's always honorable, generous to the poor, and devoted to the people he cares about. Does his positive growth count as "redemption" when he never really sins? The Beast, on the other hand, does do morally disgraceful things: he imprisons a lost and sick old man just for "trespassing," only letting him go when Belle takes his place, he forbids his servants to feed Belle as long as she refuses to eat with him (although they ignore that order), he makes Belle fear for her life with his rage in the West Wing, and years earlier, he was cursed for shutting out an old beggar woman on a winter's night. He's in real need of redemption, which he begins by risking his life for Belle and completes by sacrificing all his hopes for her sake.

#5 – The Beast is a Byronic hero; Darcy is not, even though pop culture tends to think he is. The Beast is initially moody, tempestuous, and dangerous, tortured by his monstrous appearance and living in self-imposed isolation. Even after his personal growth, which makes him less Byronic, his response to losing Belle (which, to be fair, means losing his last chance to break his spell, not just losing love) is to roar like a jungle animal and sink into suicidal despair. But Darcy? He's initially cold, severe, and prone to annoyance, but not prone to dark moods or outbursts of temper. He's unsociable (though whether out of real social awkwardness or out of arrogance is a matter of debate) but he's not a tortured recluse, he's certainly not dangerous, and while he loves deeply, his apparent response to losing Elizabeth is just to carry on with life as best he can and to try to be a better person. Having a few traits in common with a Byronic hero doesn't make him one.

#6 – Modern Austen fans sometimes describe Darcy's character arc as being about "toxic masculinity," which he "unlearns" in favor of healthy masculinity. But is that really true? I would argue that Darcy's cold arrogance is gender-neutral and more related to social class than to masculinity. In Beauty and the Beast, however, toxic masculinity vs. healthy masculinity is a central theme. The Beast really does behave in toxically masculine ways at first (i.e. domineering and prone to rages), but by the end embraces healthy masculinity that allows for gentleness and vulnerability. Meanwhile, the real villain, the boorish, macho Gaston, is toxic masculinity personified, in a way that Pride and Prejudice's gentlemanly rake Wickham never is.

#7 – Darcy is sometimes accused of not "really" loving Elizabeth when he first proposes to her – of proposing just out of lust and only really learning to love her when he's a better man. But this isn't what Austen tells us. While he might not fully understand her until after she rejects him, and while his love might be more selfish than it becomes later, the book never denies that it was true love. In his second, successful proposal, he claims that his feelings for her are "unchanged." The Beast, on the other hand, really doesn't love Belle yet when he first hopes to win her love – what he wants is to break his spell. His arc of learning to love Belle, having never loved anyone before, is just as important as his becoming a better person in general. Darcy doesn't need to learn how to love; just to be humbler and more considerate.

#8 – The Beast changes for Belle, and changes drastically; Darcy arguably doesn't change drastically, and definitely doesn't change for Elizabeth. The Beast's efforts to be a better person are intrinsically tied to his desire to please Belle, and he changes from rough to gentle, ruthless to moral, and selfish to selfless. But Darcy was always a good person, just a flawed one, and he goes through personal growth without changing his core self. This happens when he never expects to see Elizabeth again; he becomes a better man because he wants to be a better man. It's slightly baffling that so many amateur critics accuse him of changing his entire personality to please Elizabeth.

None of these differences between Pride and Prejudice and Beauty and the Beast reflect badly on either. Of course Austen's novel is more complex and sophisticated than the Disney film, but each work is outstanding in its genre: a realistic literary comedy of manners and an animated family movie based on a fairy tale. But the fact remains that while they are full of striking parallels, they're very different from each other too.

[becomewings]

The Most Beautiful Moment in Life <I’M FINE>

     BTS Universe Story Highlights, pt. 1 / 4

» pt. 2

Introduction

BTS Universe Story, a mobile game published by Netmarble, was released on September 24, 2020. While the majority of the app is essentially a sandbox and engine for users to create their own interactive stories, it also includes official and canon BU content. The first eight segments were introduced between the release date and December 2020, gathered under the title The Most Beautiful Moment in Life <I’M FINE>.

“I’m Fine” is half of the I’m Fine/Save Me ambigram introduced in the Love Yourself era. Notably, all of the BU content available in the game so far falls between events of the webtoon Save Me (also called HYYH0 in its logo) and The Notes 1—chronologically, that is, while bearing in mind that time resets to the morning of 11 April Year 22 whenever SeokJin fails to avert a tragedy among his six friends. I want to assure anyone who is unable to play the game that you are not missing any new, major plot beats from the overall BU narrative. Instead, the stories provide more insight into the motivations and consequences of SeokJin’s decisions in the earlier time loops, as well as more depth to individual characters and their circumstances.

The goal of this guide is to summarize each of the eight stories and highlight noteworthy details, especially if they are not yet present in other BU media. Within each story (which I often refer to as an arc, due to their character-focused nature), episodes must be played successively, but the stories themselves can be played in any order. I will present them over a series of posts in the order they are listed under the <I’M FINE> heading. The Prologue and NamJoon’s arc are free to play; the rest are paid content. Please note that due to the app’s Terms & Conditions, I will not include in-game footage here. The images in this guide are sourced from the official trailers/videos and the live action MVs as appropriate.

Content warning: contains references to death, suicide, suicidal ideation, child abuse, domestic violence, blood, homicide, depression, trauma, PTSD

This guide contains major spoilers and includes references to other BU media

Do not repost, copy, or quote without permission

Game Mechanic

Before diving into the summaries, I would like to address the primary mechanic of the game: the user’s control of character choices at designated moments in the stories. It’s a primary marketing point that the player can influence the progression of the narrative, with a frequent in-app tip also declaring, “stories’ endings can vary depending on your choices.” The latter is not strictly true—and it cannot be true due to the structure of the game. Choices are presented within most (not all) episodes, but each episode is an isolated unit: episode 2 provides the same content regardless of what you choose in episode 1. Since the consequences of your decisions are not cumulative, each episode reaches the same ending, and each decision inevitably rejoins the “main” story path (effectively reducing the script size).

So what is the point of this mechanic? While the system is not nearly as complex as what major platform titles are capable of nowadays (I suspect due in large part to the story creation portion of the game), it does foster a sense of interaction with the narrative that isn’t present in static visual media like comics or film. The episodes with choices also have incentive for replay to discover the impact of changing a character’s dialogue or action. Sometimes the differences between the outcomes are inconsequential, but other times you unearth new details, interactions, or memories that are missing in the other path.

I say this partially in reaction to all of the comments and tweets I read for the game trailers and even Smeraldo Book twitter’s choose-your-own-adventure style teasers with The Notes 2 excerpts released last summer. Many users expressed excitement, through words or memes, about finally being able to give the boys the happy ending they deserved. I don’t fault anyone for wanting that happy ending—I wish for it, too. But no matter what the rather overzealous marketing has claimed, I don’t believe that the canon ending of BU is ever meant to be in the audience’s control. But I do feel that this mechanism fits the BU narrative. It echoes the “countless loops” SeokJin has experienced in an effort to save his friends, the choices he must make at every crossroad, and the butterfly effect those actions have on all of their lives. I think it is reasonable to interpret the simple branching paths in the game as alternatives SeokJin has explored across multiple loops in his struggle to find the “right” way forward. I’d love to hear if you have theories of your own!

Prologue

The prologue is a brief episode introducing SeokJin’s repeated struggle and failure to save his friends. He wakes up yet again in his bed on 11 April Year 22, the beginning of the time loop. After reflecting on the tragedies that keep befalling the others, SeokJin realizes that he has only tried to fix the problems he can see. He wonders: “Have I tried to understand the root of my friends’ misfortunes? How much do I really know about my friends? Maybe I was never brave enough to confront their real scars and the worlds they’ve been living in. But I need to do it. Because it may be the key to saving them all.”

How to Offer a Hand

In this story, SeokJin attempts to prevent NamJoon’s arrest after he gets in a fight with a rude customer at Naeri Gas Station, his place of work. The first episode opens on the night of 11 April Year 22 with NamJoon curling his fists, glaring as crumpled bills lie untouched on the pavement. (The money looks similar to the shot from the I Need U MV.) SeokJin reaches for his shoulder, but NamJoon shrugs him off and strides away to punch the customer who deliberately dropped the bills for him to pick up. The gas station owner runs over at the customer’s furious shouts and orders NamJoon to apologize. He refuses, and police officers soon arrive and charge him with assault. No one listens to SeokJin’s protests that the customer started it first. The man sneers as NamJoon enters the police car. “Do you even have money for a settlement? Hey, you’re done for.” NamJoon is sentenced to prison again, and SeokJin hears glass shattering before the loop resets.

Rising from his bed on the morning of 11 April, SeokJin reflects on his failed efforts so far. He has hit the customer’s car, called for NamJoon in the middle of the incident, and stopped the fight himself, the latter of which caused his friends to avoid him later. The fight has even escalated; the details are unspecified, but the audience is provided an ominous shot of SeokJin speaking to a police officer alone at the scene. NamJoon is not the kind of person who would normally respond to that kind of provocation with his fists. SeokJin realizes that he cannot merely stop the fight but must discover and fix the true cause of it.

With this in mind, SeokJin heads to Naeri Gas Station during the day and tries to engage NamJoon. This is their first time meeting since they both returned to Songju, although SeokJin has experienced it in many loops already. “It’s been a while,” he greets (as he does at the end of the Blood Sweat & Tears Japanese version MV). Before SeokJin can dig deeper in their conversation, NamJoon is called away by his boss. SeokJin enters the small employee break room which serves as NamJoon’s living space when he’s not at the container, hoping to find some clues about his friend’s life. SeokJin locates something bundled in newspapers. If the player chooses to open it, he sees a strange shard of glass inside that may belong to a car or motorcycle headlight. He continues on, finding the book Cosmos by Carl Sagan and a notebook. SeokJin hesitates over the invasion of privacy but decides to read it since he needs all the information that he can gather. The journal entries detail NamJoon’s daily life since returning to Songju: his work at the gas station isn’t too bad despite the occasional rude customer; he purchased a book and hopes to get more in the future; he picked up a second job at a wedding hall to help catch up on bills; his brother NamHyeon got in trouble again, leading to more expenses; and his dad’s health has worsened, with hospital bills after an emergency surgery rising to levels that the family cannot afford. SeokJin knew that NamJoon was the de facto head of household due to his father’s illness but was unaware that it was to this degree. He feels sorry for NamJoon yet is also impressed by his maturity, for NamJoon never writes how difficult his situation is.

NamJoon arrives and asks what SeokJin is doing in the room. If the player chooses to answer “reading” instead of “just sitting there,” SeokJin privately observes that the conversation flows more easily when they talk about books. NamJoon says he must leave and declines when SeokJin offers to wait for him there. SeokJin knocks over a pile of books along with money and receipts as he stands. He thinks it is unusual that NamJoon picks up the books before the money. The books seem to be more than a hobby to NamJoon, holding special meaning. Walking to his car, SeokJin wonders if it is pride or determination not to falter that keeps NamJoon from journaling his grievances. He realizes that money is a constant source of frustration and misery to NamJoon, and that’s why he can’t stomach being insulted over the customer’s dropped money. SeokJin’s new plan is to prevent NamJoon from picking up the money. He also calls Palgok County Hospital and offers to pay the patient bill for NamJoon’s father. Anticipating that NamJoon will be angry if he finds out, SeokJin says the payer is Songho Foundation.

That night, SeokJin returns to the gas station with the excuse that he forgot to fill up earlier. The luxury car arrives with a honk, and NamJoon hurries over to assist. He shakes with anger when the customer drops the money on the ground. “Why aren’t you picking it up? You don’t want it? What’s with that look? Pretty arrogant for a part-timer, aren’t you?” goads the customer. SeokJin intervenes. Whether the player chooses to have him advise NamJoon not to pick it up or to order the customer to pick it up himself, the end result is the same. SeokJin asks the customer, “Why are you harassing a pitiful part-timer?” The customer drives away, and something about NamJoon seems off. His face is expressionless, not mad or humiliated. “SeokJin, you…” He stops. “Never mind. Thank you for your help.” The words sound difficult for him to speak.

SeokJin believes that he has saved NamJoon, although this ending feels sloppy. He continues on in the loop to rescue JungKook and later YoonGi, but uneasiness plagues him. Though he meant to help NamJoon with his actions, SeokJin wonders if he hurt him instead. On 5 May Year 22, he returns to the gas station and follows NamJoon when he leaves work early. NamJoon enters a bookstore, and SeokJin sneaks in after him to watch from afar. He overhears employees talking about NamJoon, worrying that he might dirty the pages of the book he’s perusing. NamJoon is too absorbed in the book to notice one of them calling for his attention. SeokJin recalls a memory from their school days when he found NamJoon reading alone in their classroom hideout: he asked why NamJoon read so diligently, and his friend explained that he found it comforting to empty his thoughts of everything else while focused on the book. In the present, SeokJin wonders how he forgot how much books mean to NamJoon. He sacrifices some of his food and transportation budget to afford them, but they enable him “to endure the weight of the world he’s forced to bear on his shoulders.” After realizing this, SeokJin wants to apologize for carelessly sympathizing with the reality that NamJoon has weathered alone.

The next episode is from NamJoon’s perspective, revealing his excitement over being able to purchase a book for the first time in two months. He wants to buy two but can only afford one. The employee at the register sighs and asks why he leafed through a book he wasn’t going to buy. NamJoon apologizes, and she mutters, “So dirty.” He notices his reflection, clothes worn and smelling of gasoline, and realizes she’s talking about him, not the book. He tries to shake off these depressing thoughts, but he is still not accustomed to this treatment despite experiencing it regularly at work. As NamJoon begins to exit the store, the security alarm goes off. The employees demand to check his bag despite his insistence that he didn’t steal anything. Their certainty of his theft angers him. NamJoon allows them to look through his bag, and they are suspicious of the like-new book in it which he brought from home. One begins to call the police until SeokJin appears, vouching for NamJoon by saying he saw everything. The employees accept that the alarm malfunctioned and excuse their suspicions as a mistake.

Outside, SeokJin asks NamJoon if he is all right. NamJoon is thankful but wonders how SeokJin materialized right when he needed him. “How’d you find me here?” he asks aloud. SeokJin explains that he happened to notice him while walking through the neighborhood. NamJoon wonders if it’s because they said goodbye on a weird note last time. He thanks him and turns to leave. SeokJin calls after him. “I’m sorry. I wanted to apologize. I didn’t mean to upset you that day at the gas station. It was a mistake to have called you pitiful. If my rash actions hurt you, I’m really sorry.” NamJoon accepts his apology, believing it to be sincere, and says that things would have turned out a lot worse if SeokJin had not intervened. Thunder rolls overhead, and NamJoon uses the impending rain as his excuse to depart. He declines SeokJin’s offer of a ride and runs home, feeling his friend’s eyes on him.

Before he can settle down to read at home, NamJoon receives a call from his cheerful mother. She thanks him for paying off the entire hospital bill. NamJoon is perplexed and asks what’s on the receipt, since he didn’t pay it. His mother wants to leave it be, but he insists that they investigate so they don’t get in trouble or sued. She reads that the Songho Foundation is credited as the payer. NamJoon calls the hospital, introducing himself as the guardian for Kim YoungMin, but they can’t transfer him to the administrative department at this time. Disappointed, he looks up the foundation’s website, unable to recall why it sounds familiar. He wonders why a scholarship foundation in the city would get involved with him. Spotting photos of a recent launch ceremony on the site, he recognizes a few people: Songju High School’s principal, the familiar-looking face of the foundation’s chairman, and SeokJin. First, NamJoon forces a laugh, and then it’s difficult for him to breathe. He thinks that SeokJin really had pitied him at that moment. The only thing keeping NamJoon going is the idea of getting through life on his own strength. Why does he have to live like this?

The last episode opens on 5 May back in SeokJin’s perspective. He is confident now that he has saved NamJoon, although it occurs to him that a better alternative may have been to simply pick up the money himself instead of stepping forward. (This decision is enacted in a later loop and depicted in the Euphoria MV.) While reflecting on what comes next to save his other friends, he receives a text from NamJoon. “What’s your account number? I’ll pay you back for the hospital bills. I don’t need your help. I’ll handle my concerns on my own.” Heart sinking, SeokJin wonders how he found out. With a sense of foreboding, he tries calling NamJoon, but no one answers. SeokJin texts him back, pretending that he doesn’t understand, and tells NamJoon to call him. SeokJin’s second attempt connects while he’s gathering his car keys to visit the container. “That’s enough. Just send the account number over text,” NamJoon instructs. SeokJin coaxes him to talk for a moment, and NamJoon asks flatly, “Are you going to apologize again?” SeokJin attempts to salvage the situation, but his friend turns cold when he insists that NamJoon is misunderstanding and that he just wanted to help. “So, why? Why are you helping me?! Yeah, you’re always a good person. You’ve done nothing wrong and I’m the one misunderstanding.” SeokJin apologizes again. NamJoon refuses his request to meet in person. “No, I thought maybe there was a reason for everything you did… But I guess I misconstrued it. I’ll pay you back, so I’d prefer if you stopped contacting me.” Long after the call ends, SeokJin stands holding his phone, feeling that the glass is going to break at any moment. He wants to believe that it’s not over, but hope is slipping through his fingertips.

The episode finishes in NamJoon’s perspective. On 8 May and 9 May, he accepts part-time delivery work and reflects on his three jobs. Whenever he thinks he’s at his breaking point, he focuses on his new goal of returning SeokJin’s money. On 10 May, NamJoon wakes up to his buzzing phone and is called in to work. On a scooter, he passes by a bus stop and notices graffiti. (This is the same bus stop, with matching graffiti, that appears in the Highlight Reel.) Mesmerized, he wonders if it’s TaeHyung’s. As soon as NamJoon looks up, the scooter’s brake fails, and he crashes. The shattered glass on the cold pavement reminds him of the headlight shard and the kid who looked like TaeHyung. (So the piece of glass SeokJin saw in April was really a memento NamJoon retrieved from the scene of the crash in the mountain town, where the delivery boy whom he privately called TaeHyung died. This event is described in NamJoon’s 17 December Year 21 entry in The Notes 1.) NamJoon’s vision grows blurry, and the distant sound of an ambulance doesn’t come any closer.

The arc concludes there, but it obviously marks another reset for SeokJin. It is interesting to note that in this failed loop, NamJoon suffers the same fate that he narrowly avoided in the snowy mountain town before returning to Songju.

Please stay tuned for the next Highlights post featuring JungKook and YoonGi!

[jazzythursday]

My Take on The Loki Series, And All The Things I Would Change About/Add To It If I Could (in vaguely chronological order)

Small disclaimer: This is just a compilation of all the ideas I had for ways the Loki Series could have gone, expanding on the main premise. It doesn’t cover everything, simply the aspects of the plot that I felt compelled to diverge from specifically. It’s not meant as an overly harsh critique of the show, just alternate possibilities. A… variant of the show if you will (It’s also egregiously long and yet I had to stop myself from saying more).

The series opens in the TVA with a display of the branching timeline that Loki created. We don’t meet any characters yet or see anyone’s faces, only hearing readings of codes and tracking of the Loki ‘variant’ before switching to Loki.

After traveling with the Tesseract, he takes in his surroundings (it can be the Gobi Desert but the thing with the Mongolians does not happen) but before he can get too far the TVA shows up.

I think it would be interesting to have a sequence of Loki evading them in different environments. Teleporting to different areas/planets and using different forms/disguises (maybe we see a Lady Loki in a restaurant, our Loki, and a few other outfits), however the TVA finds him every time no matter where or what form.

Eventually he gets fed up of running and confronts them directly. This should be an actual fight, i.e. magic and a Loki who is committed to not being taken down again. Ultimately through use of magic dampening technology or other means (but for the love of god not whatever that punch was), he is apprehended and taken into the TVA.

I think the TVA should have been a lot more crowded. They control/ monitor all of time, so we should have seen tons of variants of all shapes/colors/styles/species, maybe even a few characters we recognize (like in the concept art for the show). Show us that Loki is not special here, he is just another variant to be processed and done with, like all the others.

Loki will have already noticed and felt a lack of magic at the TVA, maybe he tried to use it already so by the time we get to the judge his main concern is talking his way out—Putting his ‘silver tongue’ to use. (Lack of magic in the TVA would be referenced later as well when Loki goes to summon a knife or use magic, only to remember that he can’t there).

This is a very small point but if the TVA knows him as Laufeyson, he absolutely would take offense to that. It’s been one year since he found out about and killed his birth father, I’d assume wants nothing to do with the title. Of course the TVA wouldn’t care, and we’d probably get something like:

“I am Loki, of Asgard, and you will address me as such.”

“I think you’ll find out things work a little differently here at the TVA, Mr. Laufeyson.”

Before he’s able to be pruned we have Mobius step in and plead his case.

If the show wants to portray Mobius as a friend we’ll see him have sympathy and conflicts about the TVA from the beginning. He doesn’t quite fit in, he’s bored of the monotony of the place and he has remorse for what they’re doing, but knows it’s not his place to question it. I like the idea of him being somewhat of a fan of Loki (they did mention this in the show but then proceeded to have him belittle Loki every time he opened his mouth which is uh… a choice). Mobius needs Loki’s help but he also has the desire to help Loki. He’s seen how his life plays out and understands that there’s more in him than his worst decisions. I think that Mobius secretly/ subconscious wants a bit of chaos, that he’s intrigued by Loki and as an analyst has an interest in understanding him.

Loki vs B15 would ideally happen before Loki returns to the time theater with the Tesseract instead of after. It would not be so easy for her to physically overpower him as even without magic he still has enhanced strength. (The minutemen show no signs of being genetically much stronger than humans, so arguably without use of their technology it’s obvious he could take one in a fight.

Back in the time theater after Loki’s watched the reel of his life, much of the conversation happens the same albeit with a greater emphasis on Loki’s true motivations and his feelings of powerlessness in his role. A bit about Thanos too (realistically vague). Perhaps he thought at the time he was doing what he wanted, but is starting to realize he doesn’t know anymore. Then we see a version of:

“I can’t promise you salvation, but maybe I can offer you something better.”

“A proposition, I see you have done your research. So tell me, agent, what would you have me do?”

Mobius explains why they need him to track down a variant of himself, and they shake on it. It’s clear that neither of them trust each other yet, but there is a mutual understanding that they will work together anyway.

Their friendship should grow naturally, slowly gaining each other’s trust until they see each other as true allies. In this there are more episodes than in the actual show (I’ll say 8 instead of 6). Give them a few more adventures and a bit more time for splitting up to hurt.

In Roxxcart, we see more use of magic. He dries himself off, maybe shape shifts into/imitates B15 or a minuteman. Loki uses illusions in the fight against the variant. He tries to reason with and understand what they are doing and why. The fight is somewhat matched although Loki is still holding back, fighting with misdirection as the variant fights using possession. Neither of them are showing themselves, and in an attempt to make the variant stop hiding, Loki disperses all the doubles and asks them to do the same. He takes a chance and this is how the variant gets the upper hand, setting off the branches and then revealing herself as Sylvie.

(Side note: In the concept art for the show, Loki changes into his Asgardian outfit by the time he and Sylvie are on Lementis. I definitely could see that working either when the fight begins/during it, or when he goes through the time door. In either case I think it would be somewhat of a gesture to Sylvie that he is not truly aligned with the TVA, thus setting them both apart/ in opposition to it.)

Instead of romance, Sylvie and Loki forge a bond through seeing themselves in each other throughout the series. They talk about the differences in their past and how they got there. They bicker and make each other laugh and rather than Sylvie just insulting Loki, it’s a mutual rapport. Loki gives just as good as he gets and they find they can work better together than apart.

On Lementis, Loki easily gets them into the train by impersonating a guard (or by conjuring tickets).

They talk about magic. How Sylvie is untrained but self taught and doesn’t understand hers very well. Loki can talk about how he views magic/his magic (we can maybe pull a few things from Norse beliefs about seiðr here). Does he view it as a part of himself? Something honed and precise? I want magic to be portrayed as an artful practice, and I want him to help Sylvie understand hers.

Loki gets drunk and they’re kicked out of the train. This reads as funny because Loki will have been sharp and competent throughout the show so far, so him losing his cool and failing the plan is unexpected.

Instead of the Tempad breaking for absolutely no reason, they argue over where to go/ how to use it. This leads to them both having a hand at accidentally destroying it because of self interest and refusing to work together. It illustrates again that they are stronger together but in conflict they are their own worst enemy (much like Loki in general which ties into a bigger metaphor for all his shortcomings).

Expanding on the magic thing, Sylvie and Loki through the series learn from each other. Loki can teach her some of his magic, and Slyvie can teach him enchantment (which he’s read about but never really mastered, although he approaches learning it like any other spell).

Loki could show her an illusion of Asgard as he remembers it. And in doing so we see that both of them long for it. Because for all Loki has claimed to renounce it, he misses home, and he and the audience see the same thing in Sylvie.

I think it would be interesting for Sylvie to let him enchant her, and we can see one of her memories. Maybe it’s when she was taken, maybe it’s on the run, maybe it’s a happy place, but it gives us insight into her character and past. I’m on the fence if Slyvie should enchant Loki, but if she did I’d pick them accidentally going back to the day Odin took him (which is how we deal with the icy blue elephant in the room that the writers refuse to tackle). Let Loki be conflicted and angry and unsure how he feels about it. This could once again be a moment where Loki and Sylvie connect because it’s (I’m assuming) where both their stories began. It’s a mirror of both of their origins, and she helps him see some good in that.

In the void (which is renamed something else so as to not get confused with the void™ that Loki fell into in Thor 2011) Loki learns from and connects with his other variants. They all have a point to being there, and he starts to reflect on what makes him him and what role he wants to play now.

When Sylvie and Mobius show up they agree on the plan to kill Aliyoth, either because it will stop anyone else from being killed by the TVA, or because they think he is guarding the entrance to whoever is behind everything.

Loki later asks Sylvie if she had a Thor. She did but probably doesn’t remember him much. What she does remember, she tells him. Through talking to both Classic Loki and Sylvie it’s recognized that he does miss his brother, that all Loki’s do, and that they are constants meant to aid each other and fight and suffer but always be brothers in any universe.

When they finally fight Aliyoth Loki summons new armor/his helm. Along with Kid Loki giving him Laevateinn, each Loki also gives him something to remember them or aid in their quest (yay Loki solidarity!). When I say this I mean daggers! Daggers dear gods have one of them give him daggers, boy needs some knives.

When they realize they can’t kill him, Sylvie has the idea to use enchantment. Like in the show, Sylvie can’t do it on her own and so they join hands and combine their powers together, revealing the Citadel beyond. They look at each other and agree that they have to move forward.

“Do we trust each other?”

“We do.”

Inside the Citadel we have Kang himself make the offer to give them what they wish. Sylvie can get the life that was stolen from her. Loki could be offered a Throne, he could be offered to be the first born, or to be a true Æsir, or kill Thanos, but ultimately he denies. He’s realized throughout the show that he’d rather be different, he’d rather be him, and he won’t settle for a fantasy world that isn’t real.

The message is about choice, about free will, chaos. Every choice you make directly results in who you become, every action changes how your story goes, and Loki understands that no one has the right to limit that.

In this it is Sylvie though, who is tempted. She has been on a quest for revenge her whole life, she never had a home, doesn’t remember feeling loved, and in the end it is a fight against temptation, and Loki knows all about that.

They fight each other, and break their vow of trust because ultimately they are each other but they are also different. They clash until Loki is able to talk her down, to relate to her, to show that he “just wants her to be okay” and reaffirms her goal. Kang of course continues to be self assured in his predictions. I’d imagine here is where we could get a declarative sort of speech like “I am Loki, God of Mischief,” They join hands “and no one tells our story” or… something to that affect.

Loki and Sylvie fight to destroy Kang together, and here we discover that if he is killed the multiverse opens, and the war of his variants will begin anew. We see flashbacks of Kang’s past and variants played out, and how he came to be at the citadel. Sylvie can talk about why it’s better to have chaos than to sanitize history and kill in the name of the greater good.

The show ends with the death of Kang and the splintering of the timelines. With Sylvie and Loki looking out the window into the fracturing strands of time.

Other changes and thoughts

Tone: the tone I’d imagine this would take on is possibly a bit more serious than the canon show. While it’s still comedy, it would be much less cartoonish, and generally fit in with the rest of the MCU a little easier.

In relation to Mobius:

Mobius’s crisis of faith would be a long time coming. Throughout the show we see him hesitate more and more to do as the TVA asks, and have an increasingly harder time justifying their actions. Learning that the whole thing is a lie is simply the tipping point that drives him to act.

In his confrontation with Renslayer he’d be a lot more driven/succinct. If he wants the TVA to burn then he wants the TVA to burn. He sees the wrongness in it’s entirety and attempts to convince Renslayer the same thing. When it’s clear that she is unreachable/ still sure of her mission, they come to an impasse. They each threaten to prune the other, parallel and matched on opposite sides of their belief. Ultimately though, neither can go through with it, and (if we’re sticking mostly with the canon ending) she leaves through a time door to who knows when to search for who knows what and Mobius and B15 regroup.

In relation to the other Loki’s:

I’m still on the fence how many Loki’s would be played by Tom, but I think the answer is, if not almost all, then at least more than we got.

Each Loki should read as distinctly Loki in essence. Less comic easter eggs and more focus on understanding the established canon character. Even greater in this scene though is the focus on the theme of choice. If there’s time we could learn what choices led up to each variant being apprehended, and see just a bit of how they feel about it. It’s about how our choices dictate who we become, rather than pre-set paths of completely separate realities and lives to our Loki’s.

I love Classic Loki’s speech about how it’s their destiny to play a certain part and if they try and change it the TVA stops them. I’d like our Loki, while conflicted about if he can truly change, to be motivated to try and finally brake the chains that have always restricted him (first his father, then Thanos, now the TVA). I also think here is where we could talk about how abrupt their end is ‘meant’ to be. That he was working on being better, that he had apparently helped his people and reconciled with his brother. That not only was his life cut short, but that the finality of that conclusion wasn’t truly the only way, but simply decided for him.

In relation to themes:

“What makes a Loki a Loki?” Is a question that should loom in the background of the whole series. Starting with Mobius’s interrogation when he’ll begin questioning his place in the universe and his understanding of himself, and ending with the finale confrontation with Kang where he’ll answer it.

“No one bad is ever truly bad, and no one good is ever truly good.” Is similarly something I think should have been a continued focus. Loki is considered a morally grey character and a chaos god, and thus none of his actions are black and white. Others may try and decide who he is at his core, but fundamentally the conclusion is not about deciding to be a hero, but deciding to be true to yourself and doing better.

“The banality of evil” in relation to the TVA. It’s clear from the first ten minutes of the actual show that the TVA is corrupt, unjust, and unnatural in their cleansing of the multiverse… so lean into it! I’m not necessary talking about changing much here, just that the narrative framing displays their actions as deplorable as they are.

“Glorious Purpose” is um… not something I think needed to be the main focus here. I might be biased because I buy into the theory that “you were made to be ruled” “freedom is life’s greatest lie” and “I am burdened with glorious purpose” are messages that have been somewhat impressed upon him rather than beliefs he came to realize on his own, but I do think it was somewhat oversimplified and overused in the series.

You are the writer of your own story. This is the message I expected the show to end with, and it’s what I’m personally trying to convey through these musings. This story ends with Loki taking back his destiny, forging a new one, connecting with himself and others and helping to free the timelines. He’s not the worst things he’s ever done, he’s not a villain, he’s not a benevolent hero. Loki is just Loki, Sylvie is just Sylvie, and you are just you, whoever we decide to be (that was cheesy I’m sorry).

[skullsandwineglasses]

Lost Romance Final Review (Taiwanese Drama)

I wrote about my first impressions of the drama after watching the first three episodes, and my first impression about it being cringey still stands even after having finished it. But, I admit that I did end up enjoying it despite my qualms. My thoughts about the whole drama are below. 

[SPOILERS AHEAD]

The fictional world

The ML’s fictional persona (Situ Aoran) is hella douchey, and the drama only gives an explanation for why he was like that in the final episode. Essentially, Situ Aoran is the worst version of He Tinxing that he’s tried to hard to suppress and overcome over the years. It’s the version of him that’s childish, immature, arrogant, irresponsible, unreasonable. And yet, the FL, Zheng Xiao’en, still falls for this version of him. It’s a story about unwavering, unconditional love no matter who you are. On the other hand, Xiao’en begins as a “villainous” person in Aoran’s eyes, and yet, he learns to fall in love with her as well.  

But, this meant that for the first 15 episodes of the drama, which is basically three quarters of the drama, I was constantly annoyed by Aoran/the fictional ML. Even when he got together with Xiao’en in the fictional world, I found it hard to ship them. Yes, Marcus Chang and Vivian Sung have chemistry, but I just didn’t enjoy the romance in the fictional world all that much. 

I wasn’t hooked on the drama until episode 8ish when he finally showed some signs of liking Xiao’en, and then it picks up in episode 10 when he finally starts to take more initiative. But for the most part, it was Qingfeng, the second ML was the one who stole the show. 

I’ve never had second male lead syndrome before, but I think that’s because in most dramas I’ve watched, even though the second male lead may unconditionally devoted to the FL, the ML still somehow does more. 

But in Lost Romance, because the ML keep was dismissive, insensitive, and kept inadvertently hurting the FL, you end up finding that Qingfeng is actually someone who is dependable, supportive, a ray of sunshine, and an all-around better person in Xiao’en’s life. Not only that, but he’s hella charming as well. Simon Lian has such as mischievous glint in his eyes, and he carries himself with easy confidence. He flirts with Xiao’en, and she doesn’t even realize it. He’s a fictional character who’s become self-aware, and this sense of awareness and wisdom that no one else in the fictional world has makes him an even more attractive character since he’s able to see through everyone. What’s more, he goes against the script and falls for Xiao’en even when he isn’t supposed to. Him falling for Xiao’en made more sense than Aoran falling for Xiao’en. 

Xiao’en and Aoran’s romance in the fictional world was very predictable. She lives in his house as a housekeeper, and he slowly warms up to her, but denies his feelings. When she leaves, he begins to miss her and gets jealous whenever she hangs out with the SML. He falls for her because she gives him a sense of safety and comfort. He feels at home with her, a feeling that he was deprived of since he was young. But because of this, it felt like the only reason he fell for her was because of what she can provide for him. And Xiao’en fell for him because he at first reminded her of He Tianxing, and then because he’s role as the ML in the story. And then she fell for him for real, flaws and all. But I guess this is a reflection of how love develops irl where both parties are able to offer something to the other in the relationship. 

Qingfeng’s feelings for Xiao’en felt more pure and altruistic, which albeit makes it unrealistic, but I guess it suits his character, since he is an idealized fictional character after all. 

The real world

Because Qingfeng is a fictional character, he has no real-world counterpart, so we don’t see him again after episode 15. He gets his “happy ending” in the last episode when the author finally finishes his story and he’s reunited with his storyworld sweetheart, but I still felt like there was no proper closure for his character. He finally developed real feelings, but then he’s forced back into his scripted role. 

I liked how the ML and FL’s real life personas were different from the fictional world, and the drama takes a more serious tone when they return to the real world. He Tianxing is much more kind, considerate, and thoughtful than Aoran. His costuming also changed to reflect that: he no longer wears an earring, his hair is combed up instead of hanging over his forehead, and he doesn’t wear flashy rings and necklaces. He’s much more down-to-earth and humble, and you start to like him more. 

Xiao’en is also much more mature. She isn’t fawning and lusting over him like in the fictional world, and she doesn’t force herself onto him, or to make him remember her. She knows that she loves Aoran, and tries to keep her attraction for Tianxing separate because she still hasn’t yet figured out whether they’re the same person. When her bestfriend asks her why she doesn’t assert herself more to jog his memory, Xian’en says that this is real life. It isn’t like the fictional world where you can be shameless with no consequence. 

This means that the romantic dynamics become reversed in the real world. It’s now Tianxing’s turn to pursue Xiao’en, and Xiao’en resists. And I admit, it was cute. We get to see Tianxing fall for Xiao’en for herself and who she is as a person, and not because she’s his housemaid and lives with him. He becomes curious about her: he buys and reads all the books he’s edited, he asks her questions about her childhood and upbringing, and asks her about her feelings and opinions on things, he asks her about her memorable experiences. In the real world, he actually cares about her, not just what she can offer him. We also see Xiao’en learn about Tianxing and fall for his real-life traits. It’s an opportunity for them to truly learn about each other and fall for each other again. 

The part when Tianxing reads the novel and regained his memories felt too abrupt and easy. It would have been more fun for the memories to come back in parts over time and him trying to figure out the pieces of the puzzle. It would have also have been nice to see him spend more time trying to convince Xiao’en that he really does remember and isn’t just regurgitating details from the novel. In other words, I’m a masochistic viewer and would have appreciated more drawn-out angst, but they quickly resolved this plotline within through a single gesture in the scene. 

Tianxing’s relentless and determined pursuit to win over Xiao’en was cute, but only the context of this drama. He overtly stalks her using a drone, but as payback because that was how she stalked him at the beginning. A part of me knew that in any other drama, this would be creepy and overstepping boundaries, but I still couldn’t help but smile at these antics in Lost Romance. Maybe because Tianxing was reversing their roles and now he’s doing the heavy lifting to win her back, but in any case, it worked and was charming. 

The family business drama

Honestly, I couldn’t care less. I skipped most scenes whenever the real-world family drama was shown, and I was still able to understand what happened in the end. The evil sister stops being evil and realizes the error of her ways (and actually has a pretty sympathetic backstory to explain her previous actions and motives) and joins forces with the ML, her younger half brother that she had wanted to kill, in order to take down a once-trusted employee who is now trying to take over and destroy the family business. 

These scenes dragged out the story, but I guess they served as a reminder that the real world is still alive and kicking while the ML and FL were in a three-month long coma. 

Questions

Like with most fantasy dramas, you end up accepting the plot holes and rolling with them. But there are still a few questions I still can’t get over:

1. How exactly did He Tianxing and Xiao’en end up in the fictional world of a random novel together? Why was only Xiao’en self-aware but Tianxing wasn’t? Was it because Xiao’en was editing the book so she already knew part of the story? Why did Tianxing fall into Situ Aoran’s character and why didn’t he have agency over his actions and feelings until later, while Xiao’en was a self-insert with full agency?

2. Why were only Tianxing and Xiao’en inhabiting fictional bodies, while the other characters only had the likeliness of people from real life but not the “soul” (since the characters were still conscious in real life)? Were Tianxing and Xiao’en projecting their memories of the appearances of the people they knew onto the characters in the storyworld, thereby creating a jointly shared fictional world? For instance, only Tianxing knew Chuchu irl, but Xiao’en didn’t, so he projected his image of ChuChu onto the character that Xiao’en could also see? But the fictional world was shown to be a parallel universe that had real consequences in the real-world, so the explanation for the appearance of the fictional characters can’t just be due to Tianxing and Xiao’en projecting their memories. These characters truly exist as separate, alternate entities in the storyworld. So, what exactly are these characters? Souless entities?

3. Qingfeng says that he floats from one story to the next. So why are some fictional characters fully fictional like Qingfeng, but other characters have real-life counterparts?

4. Why and how does the novel change irl when the fictional world changes? It’s also a pity that the author is completely uninvolved with all of these shenenigans, and it’s unfortunate that her novel is being using as the ML and FL’s playground. She basically lost control of her own story.

Overall impressions

It’s refreshing for a cdrama/twdrama, and they managed to keep Qingfeng’s identity a mystery for good part of the plot to keep you guessing. But for the most part, it’s another predictable, tropey modern romance drama. Even when they tried to subvert the tropes, their method of subversion was predictable. The chemistry and comedy was good, so I’d recommend it only if you have a high tolerance for cringe, since the cringe never really ends but does get better towards the last act of the drama when they return to the real world and gets more serious. 

I think I’d give this drama a 7.5, mostly because I gave My Girlfriend is an Alien an 8. So if I gave Lost Romance an 8, I would bump MGIAA an 8.5 to keep it relative. 

Both dramas feature a ML who deals with memory loss. The arc in Lost Romance was more serious and emotional since the FL is heartbroken over the loss, but the part where the ML regains his memory was a bit rushed. The arc in MGIAA is more comedic, but the part where he regains his memory had a bigger emotional payoff since memory loss was a major problem that the ML had been trying to overcome throughout the drama. 

Might be an unpopular opinion but I think might have enjoyed this more than the Romance of Tiger and Rose. The Romance of Tiger and Rose was good, but it wasn’t very memorable. I watched it last summer, but I barely remember any details about it besides finding Zhao Lusi to be really cute. I think this drama made me feel more emotions: from frustration to embarrassment to relief to having butterflies to angst to sadness to amused. 

Aoran/Tianxing and Qingfeng are also more interesting than Han Shuo. I guess I’ll wait 8 months to see if I still feel anything for this drama, or if it fades with time too. 

Some other interesting notes

I had thought this drama was filmed in 2019 until I saw a sign on a bus that said “No boarding without a mask”. Turns out it was filmed in April 2020 or so, and then released in June. I was surprised that this was filmed during the peak of the pandemic when most western countries were in lockdown, but I understand that Taiwan already had things under control by then. But still, even if there wasn’t a pandemic, they filmed this in only 2-3 months, which is a quick and impressive turnaround time to film and edit a drama (even if it’s only 20 episode long). There was no indication this was filmed during a pandemic, except for the bus sign, and also the people walking in the background at the temple. You could tell many were wearing masks. Meanwhile, it’s been over a year since the pandemic started, and I’m still stuck at home, schools and outdoor activities are still closed where I am, and it just feels like my life is on hold. And yet, they filmed an entire ass drama during a pandemic. I still can’t get over that. 

I haven’t watched a Taiwanese drama in a while, so there are some notable cultural differences I noticed between Taiwanese dramas and cdramas when I watched Lost Romance. 

1. The uncensored intimate scenes 2. Swearing (?). Can’t remember when exactly, but I think Vivian Sung at one point said “wo kao” when she woke up and stumbled to the bathroom 3. The casual (and accurate) integration of English words and phrases. You can tell that Taiwan is much more open and comfortable with sprinkling English into their everyday vernacular. Hong Kong dramas do this as well. You see this less so in cdramas. English and other foreign languages are only used when the character is speaking to a foreign character.  4. No use of heavy filters and diffusers. Cdramas tend to look very glowy and dreamy, and they seem to use wide apertures to get a bokeh effect. Lost Romance had a more down-to-earth look. Granted, at points it did look a little dated, but I still appreciated this more toned-down, natural look.  5. LQBTQ+ references. Not only was there an accidental kiss scene between the FL and SFL, but they also mentioned how one of the male characters might be having an affair with a man. While there are BL idol dramas in China, all of the relationship dynamics are usually only heavily implied. There aren’t many explicit references to LGBTQ+ relationships in cdramas due to censorship.  6. References and homages/parodies of kdramas. Have there been cdramas that pay homage to foreign dramas as much as Lost Romance? 7. Original, non-dubbed voices. Yes, there are plenty of cdramas that use the original voices of actors, but there are also a lot of cdramas that use dubbed voices. Sometimes I’d binge watch 3 cdramas in a row, and the FLs and MLs have the same respective voice actors across all 3 dramas. The reason why I chose to watch Lost Romance was because I wanted to watch The Legends, but the FL uses the same voice actress as the FL in MGIAA, which I had just finished, so I needed a drama in between with different voices to help cleanse my palate.  8. Excessive cuts/commercial breaks. Always right before a character is about to say something pivotal, it cuts to a themesong break, which was really annoying. It really ruins the mood and suspense of the scene. And when it cuts back, it replays the last 20 seconds of the scene, while you’re on the end of your seat, yelling at the screen to tell them to get on with it and get to the point. 

Anyway. Time to watch Cafe. Waiting. Love for Marcus and Vivian. 

[barnesandco]

Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy (6/14)

Story Masterlist

The plum seller at the farmer’s market saves Bucky from being captured for the attack at Vienna that he didn’t commit, but is she really all that she appears to be, or are ulterior motives involved?

This is an entry for @star-spangled-bingo​ 2020. Word count: 2022. Square filled: “Fake Dating”

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader

Warnings: A brief mention of Hydra and the mission in Odessa when Bucky shot Nat. Mention of guns. General melancholy, I guess. 

A/N: It’s another quite chapter, but contrary to the last one... I... actually like this one, so I hope you will, too.

Bucky sighs when the northern mouth of the Istanbul canal appears on the horizon like a herald of safety, indicated by the twinkling lights in the distant dark. He’s not naive enough to think this is the end, because he knows their journey is far from over, but this, the closest they have been to the edge of Europe, is a breath of relief. Next to him, he sees the shoulders of his partner in crime drop a little, the stress alleviating just a hint.

She had been watching him hesitantly since Odessa, where his eyes had gone colder and fogged over with a memory he does not like to remember. A flash of red hair, a through-and-through bullet wound, the Ukrainian winter deep in his bones.

That retrospective chill didn’t thaw until they got on the ferry. The seat on the upper deck had provided the full luxury of the mid-morning sun. It is getting late, now, and the night has settled in. He pretends not to notice how she shifts a little closer to him on the bench seat, and suppresses a shudder -- from something besides cold -- when her shoulder touches his. 

He doesn’t remember the last time he let anyone besides Steve get this close to him. Of his own volition, that is. The years of Hydra manhandling don’t count, and are a far cry from the soft feel of her cardigan and the scent of baklava still lingering on her hands.

The words have been scarce and forced between them, layered with fake smiles and uncomfortable touches ever since a fellow passenger mistook them for a couple earlier in the day, and it was easier to play along, as they had in the train, than to offer a less feasible alternative. That’s why, when someone passes by, his gloved left hand finds its way to her bare one.

She smiles at him, then, and doesn’t let go when the danger has been crossed, until the speaker system is announcing their arrival at shore and there is the customary bustle of passengers eager to leave their ride after a long journey.

This, at least, is familiar. The old Bucky, he -- I, Bucky thinks -- worked at the docks for the seven month before he was drafted. The sight of people, crowds, eager to land and leave and fan out like marbles in the Brooklyn boys’ version of snooker, rings like a bell in the jumbled chaos of his brain, clears it with a sonic echo.

And then, his fugitive, his fake lover, is squeezing his hand with a smile on her face but her eyebrows drawn together just enough for him to notice.

“I’m fine,” he murmurs lowly, so only she hears it, and the ferry is brought in. They join the line and Bucky is glad to have something solid beneath him, even if it is only the wooden pier. Above them, Istanbul glitters like a hidden treasure, and Bucky recalls fool’s gold hair under layers of dirt and sometimes blood, how he used to joke; God’s given you such lovely locks, you should take better care of ‘em, Stevie, with a ruffle of his hair. It was as soft between his fingers as her hands are, as she dodges the people swiftly, and he allows himself to be pulled along.

He counts their steps as they find themselves in the city, with cobblestones under their feet, on their way to the nearest hotel with a vacant room because planning ahead is risky and a sure way to get caught, especially if you do it online. 

There’s another thing she had had to compromise on with him. Plans don’t work if you’re in hiding, because you’re predictable if you know where you’re going and why. If you don’t know where you’re going, how the hell will the authorities? That’s why he threw out that map the first chance he had, apologizing gruffly when she returned from the ladies’ room in the train station in Kiev. 

He has no illusions that he is in control, but this, he can hold onto, even if it is a feeble attempt at calling some shots. They may be heading south, but they’ll do it his way, and it’s worked so far.

While her eyes are fixed on the road ahead, Bucky looks into side streets, smaller, narrow lanes, on instinct, not sure for what, but it pays when he sees a vacancy sign flickering in the dark. So he pulls them both to a stop, and then towards the door under the fluorescent flickering. 

The inn is warm and homey, not the kind of run-down institution one would expect. It’s a family business; he clocks the similar features of the young man cleaning up the table in the lobby and the older woman in a headscard behind the counter. Heading towards the latter, he takes off his hat and brightens his smile. This, too, is instinctive, intuitive, the charm taking over everything else, even as his heart is thrumming with the desperation to not get recognized. 

Turkish rises to his tongue fluidly. “Salam,” he says, putting his hand over his chest in the customary way. “We’d like a room for a night, please,” he says when he notes that they don’t have any other choice, going by the fact that there is only one remaining room key on the wall behind the lady.

“Walaikumassalam,” she responds, the surprise only registering as far as her eyes. “Here you go,” she says, handing over a form to fill. Bucky slides it over to his “girlfriend” while he pulls out the money and a tip. The woman takes both and hands him the last key with a smile. “Thank you. We hope you enjoy your stay. Breakfast is from seven to ten.”

They nod, and voice their thanks, and head upstairs as the vacancy sign is turned off. The already muted sound of the few patrons in the lobby dulls as they climb the stairs, and the relief he started feeling near the harbor is more palpable now. He can rest, here. It’s a safe place, if only for a few hours, if only for as long as they are here.

That feeling is overtaken by embarrassment and mortification when he opens the door to see just one double bed in the room. The room is, like the rest of the inn, homely, but there is just one bed. A bathroom, a small closet, a little desk with a mirror above it, and the one bed. 

“I’ll take the floor,” he tells her, and she laughs out a tired laugh, smile lines crinkling now as she reviews the situation before dumping her bag on the floor near the door.

She shakes her head. “After 14 hours in that ferry?” She asks incredulously, and then sits down at the foot of the bed, taking her shoes off, and curling her toes in the rug beneath her in a mesmerizing motion. “I’m not that cruel, and neither of us are children. We can handle sleeping in the same bed.”

“Fine.”

Bucky offers her to use the bathroom first, and sits down by the closet with the only gun he has. The Glock is taken apart in automated motions, and cleaned with a quiet efficiency, in the manner that has been executed a hundred times, but with the difference of the sound of someone in the shower, the soft rush of water and a gentler hum only he can detect. For the second time since knowing her, he thinks that if it weren’t for the way they’re both on their toes and on the run, this could be oddly domestic. 

It’s the kind of scene -- minus the gun and the hairs still standing on the back of his neck -- that his past self used to dream of. Enough money to take his girl somewhere away from Brooklyn’s smoke and gray, and enough time and a heart pure from the soot that has now accumulated from killing to spend on her. 

The remembered desire is so achingly nostalgic that he doesn’t realize she’s left the bathroom until her hair is dripping on the floor in front of him, and he realizes his gun has been clean and resting reassembled in his hands for several minutes now.

“Your turn,” she says, taking the towel off from around her neck. She smells of soap. After putting away the precious weapon, he heads inside and takes that shower. He turns the water so hot his skin is pink and scrubbed raw by the time he leaves, and goes out to find a razor from his backpack.

The bathroom door is open while he shaves, and he does it now instead of the morning because he likes the stubble, but it’s getting a little out of hand. She appears in the doorway behind him and leans against the frame, watching. His hands tremble lightly.

“You were worried she would recognize you,” she says, as the shaving cream gets lathered on. “It’s the hair, you know. If you get recognized, it’ll be because of those gorgeous locks,” and Bucky raises an eyebrow in the mirror. The loose grin suggests she’s joking, until she continues. “The videos from the fight in D.C. are everywhere, Barnes. Surely you know that.”

Bucky looks her reflection straight in the eye as he picks up the razor. “I’m not cutting it.” She waits until he’s done shaving and has rinsed off his face and dried it, too.

“I’m not saying you have to. Tie it back, maybe,” she suggests with a shrug.

“How?” he questions, and then walks past her into the room, repacking the shaving supplies.

She follows, stands behind him near the bed until he’s done and turning around. “You want me to show you?”

Bucky is the one to shrug, now. “Sure.”

Pulling the long sleeve of her shirt back, she takes a hair tie off her wrist and begins to comb her still-damp hair back. “You just pull it back -- it’s easier if you have a brush -- and then coil it together... and there,” she demonstrates, wrapping the hair tie around the bun she has formed with practised expertise, and Bucky watches her nimble fingers move agilely.

She removes the hair tie and hands it to him, and he tries it, but the small bun he gathers at the nape of his neck falls apart before he can put the hair tie on. “I can’t,” he mutters, frustrated. 

“Do you want me to do it?” She asks, no judgement, her tone gentle and so open he can’t help but take her up on it.

“Okay,” he responds, swallowing down the tension that is now crackling like electricity. Sitting down at the desk, he watches in the mirror as she moves slowly, drying up the last drops of water in his hair with a towel. She combs her hands gently and sparks fizz down his spine, and he has to force his eyes open and his heart steady. 

Her touch is soft and honey-sweet, as she gathers his hair near the nape of his neck, and then twists it around until it is what he assumes to be a tiny, spherical mass. The tie coils once, twice, and thrice, and she steps back when she’s finished, to let Bucky see.

It’s a revelation, in some way. Not quite as thrilling as the touch of her hands on the back of his neck or her nails scraping against his scalp, but warmth pools somewhere deep inside his chest, and he looks at the face in the mirror with a new perspective. The man looking back has a divot in his chin he hasn’t noticed and doesn’t remember, and his jaw stands out against the shadows of the room. Bright blue eyes stand out more, unshielded by a curtain of brown-black hair, and he’s aware of her gaze watching him but he can’t bring himself to address it.

Is this what finding yourself feels like, he wonders, but says: “Thank you.”

[bexterbex]

A Soul to Mend His Own | Ch. 62

pamgWarning, PLEASE CHECK TAGS IF YOU SEE SOMETHING YOU DON’T WANT TO READ THEN DON’T READ. | Tag lists are closed | INBOX OPEN

Tags: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Will tag as I go along, Will update tags, Slow Burn, Influenced by Star Trek and other Sci-Fi themes, References to We Happy Few, Tons of References and quotes to George Orwells 1984 see if you can find them all, The First Order is the new Big Brother,  but who is really surprised, Blatant Nazi Symbolism, Interrogation Themes, Eventual Smut, Eventual Romance, Really just drawn out Slow Burn, Don’t repost without permission, Torture themes, Suggestive Themes, Execution themes, Disturbing Themes, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Verbal Abuse, Controlling Kylo Ren, Physical Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Kylo Ren is Not Nice, Kylo Ren Has Issues, Supreme Leader Kylo Ren, Possessive Kylo Ren, A character shamelessly based on Zelda

A Kylo Ren x Modern! Reader in a soulmate au with canon divergence. —————————————SLOWBURN————————————–

He is already the Supreme leader, searching the universe to find you, his Empress. Your name on his wrist has been the only constant in his life, while you have doubts about his existence and his acceptance of you. He isn’t in the database and why did the name Kylo Ren cover Ben Solo?

MASTERLIST

Chapter 62: Dreams Again

A/N: If you haven’t seen it go check out this awesome cover art @pamgkrthart​ made for this story: LINK

You were in the house that the young boy was left all alone in; you assume it was Kylo’s childhood home.

She didn’t speak at first. The older woman, she invited you to sit with her. She silently offered you tea, which you accepted. You watched each other.

“You are probably wondering why I brought you here. Why we are speaking now.” Her voice had a feminine leathery sort of sound, calm but aged in a way that you know she has been through a lot.

You simply nodded, not knowing if your voice was going to work or not.

“I fear for my son, Ben. You know him as Kylo, a creature of his own construction. I know of his plans, his plans to kill Ben, to kill the light within him, and thus the need to kill me. This I know to be my fate.” She looked down into her own cup of tea, not meeting your eyes before continuing. “Ben was once a happy boy, before Kylo, before everything went wrong. His father and I may not have been the best parents, but know that we loved him, that I still love him.”

She was quiet for a while, staring into her cup. You could feel the emotions coming off of her in soft waves.

You attempted to speak, putting in a bit of effort, “What is your name?” You had yet to learn of either of Kylo’s parents. You now had a face, but you wanted a name.

“Leia,” she then looked at you in the eyes. Which were filled with grief, “Your name has always brought him comfort. Since he was old enough to understand what was on his wrist. Something his father and I could never do after sending him away.” She paused for a moment. You could see her holding back tears. “We thought we were doing what was best. Now I know we were wrong. His father was afraid there was too much of my father in him, but I know better now. Ben is good, but Kylo is not. You need to believe me.”

You were confused by her words. “You sent your only son away? Why?” If Kylo wasn’t going to give you answers, you were going to try to get them from her.

“My brother, Luke was a Jedi. He was taught the ways of the Force, he taught me. Once the Empire had fallen, we felt it was safe enough to start the Jedi Order again. So Luke opened up a temple. To train those who are strong in the Force to be able to use it. Ben was one of them. He was unstable at times, I couldn’t teach him, so we sent him to train with my brother. He was young, too young, I know that now. He felt that we had abandoned him, but that was never my intention.”

Before she could continue you interjected, “But it wasn’t the first time you had abandoned him, was it?” You recalled the dream that you had. The one that also took place in this house, the one with the boy.

She looked shocked. Probably wondering how you knew such a thing. “We never meant to. His father and I loved each other, but we weren’t good for each other, not in the long run. We were matches, but we worked better as separates together than we did as a couple. We were the people who worked out better as platonic soulmates versus romantic. That doesn’t mean I didn’t love him, I did, but we were healthier apart.”

You wondered if this was an omen for your own relationship, would Kylo and you ever work out? Or would you bring a child into existence and not realize where your fates lied until it was too late.“So you sent him away, then what?”

“He was trained by his uncle but influenced by another. Influenced by Snoke who turned him to the dark side, like my father before him. He tormented him into thinking that we were the ones that were wrong.”

“But weren’t you? You said it yourself, you sent him away. You abandoned him. You raised him in an unhealthy household. I have felt some of his pain. Things you have caused. Things that I now must fix, must mend to make him whole again.” You were fighting back both tears and anger now. She may be his mother, one who loves him, but she has caused him so much pain, pain you doubted that you could heal.

“I just want my son to come home. I want him to know I still love him. That I forgive him for what he has done. I just want him home.”

You stared at her, the anger now starting to take control. “So tell me. Just what has he done?”

“He has killed both his father Han Solo and his uncle Luke Skywalker. He has killed a great many other people too. All in the name of power and the First Order. He will kill me too, in order to finally end Ben Solo.”

Her words hit you like a bus. So she was his final task. Killing his mother was part of his plan to kill Ben Solo--to protect you. You tried to not let this faze you as you asked, “And what of Rey? What is she in all this?”

Her face eclipsed with confusion as she answered, “They are connected somehow through the Force, I do not know why. Luke did not know why. She has been helping me bring him home.”

Tears fully spilling from your eyes, the anger and heartbreak taking over your rational. Venom filling your mouth, “So you both want me gone? You both want me to step away from him? Because why? So you can attempt to fix what you have broken? To take my soulmate away from me just so you can be a happy family again? When he has explicitly said that isn’t what he wants? I don’t think so.” You stood up from the table. Ready to march out the door of this dream.

She stopped you, “Wait. I never told Rey to try to get him to abandon you. That is her agenda. I just want my son. Please let him know I would like to see him. That I want him to come home.”

You faced her now, “Why don’t you visit his dreams instead, I’m sure that would be more effective,” you spat.

“I can’t, he is too strong in the Force. Your mind is weaker. And he will listen to you. Please, I want my son home.” You could tell that she could also feel the dream world shake around her. Whatever she was doing to make this happen was starting to fail now.

You coldly met her eyes, “No, you need to listen to him. If he doesn’t want to come home, then you need to listen. You obviously didn’t respect his wishes when he was a young boy. But you need to do so now. You’ve harmed him enough. Ben wasn’t strong enough, but Kylo is.” You stormed out of the house. As the door slammed behind you the dream world dissipated. And you woke up in a cold sweat.

Kylo was awake next to you, sitting up in a hurry, “Kitten what’s wrong?” You could hear the worry in his voice.

“I’ve just met your mother. And let’s just say things didn’t go well.” Really, the other women in his life, other than anyone in the First Order, had a real knack for pissing you off.

He shifted next to you, “Show me.” It wasn’t a question, but a simple command.

You both held eye contact for a moment before shutting your eyes and leaning into him. You felt his hand caress your face as you replayed the dream if you could call it that.

His voice was stern, “Kitten?”

You hummed in response. Wondering what he was angry about.

“I will have to be in your mind. You are too weak to be able to protect yourself from them. I must do it, you leave me no other choice.”

Before you could respond you felt the tendrils come back in full force. This time they were no longer politely inhabiting your brain. They took up every square inch. Leaving no memory or thought untouched. You blacked out from the force of it all.

You dreamed again, but this time it was a variation of the throne dream. You were once again sitting on a throne with the black shaggy dog. Except this time you were watching your own reflection, instead of encountering another version of yourself.

You looked the same in the reflection, but the dog didn’t. The dog was Kylo, still with a chain around his neck, and his head in your lap. You watched as the Kylo in the reflection seemed to bask under the pets that were given to him.

You watched as in his hand out of nowhere appeared his lightsaber. He ignited it. In one quick slash, he cut his chain. You quickly looked over at the dog that was next to you, his chain still intact. You then returned your attention back to Kylo. He had removed the collar that was around his neck and disabled the lightsaber and placed it on his belt.

You then watched as he came closer to the edge of the reflection, inspecting it. He then stepped forward through the threshold of your side. The reflection shattering behind him, like broken glass. As if he was actually trapped in a mirror. He approached you.

“Kitten, you look wonderful as an Empress.” He knelt down on one knee, taking your hand in his, kissing it. “I am unworthy to bask in your radiance. To grovel at your feet.”

You grabbed his face in your hands and brought your face to his, “Thank you Kylo, but that simply isn’t true.” You then kissed him deeply. This time you took dominance over the kiss, he submitted to your actions.

He moaned and broke the kiss for a moment. “Kitten,” his voice purred.

But before the dream could continue, you felt pressure behind your ear.

“Kitten, it’s time to wake up,” called the Kylo that was based in reality.

Your head felt as if it weighed a million pounds as you attempted to wake up. You could feel the tendrils shift as you did so. “Mmm, I don’t feel good.”

His hand carded through your hair, you felt the weight lessen, but not completely dissipate. “You can’t stay in bed all day.”

“Why not?” You turned on your side so your back was facing him.

“Because if you stay in bed, I’ll want to stay in bed. And then no progress gets done. And then we are that much father from you becoming Empress.”

“You mostly want me to become Empress so I’ll have sex with you,” you huffed.

“That isn’t the only reason. I think you would make a great Empress and that the galaxy isn’t worthy to have you rule over it.” His hands caressed down your sides, just as the tendrils caressed your mind.

“Fine, but I want to lay in bed until Adlez and Olivia-Rose get here.” He seemed content with this answer as he got up to get ready. Leaving you alone.

Even though you weren’t fully awake, and you felt the tendrils moving about you tried to process what you learned through the night. Your mind came up short as the tendrils kept shifting. You weren’t able to complete a stable thought.  

[dailyexo]

[INTERVIEW] EXO - 191213 Billboard: “EXO Talk 'Obsession’ Album & Future: 'I Hope that the Name of EXO Can Grow’”

"It’s been seven years since EXO arrived with 2012's MAMA EP, and since then the boy band has spent much of its time atop of the South Korean music scene, with hits like 2013’s “Growl" and 2015’s “Love Me Right” setting them up as a dominant act throughout much of Asia. Last month, they unveiled their sixth LP, Obsession, ending the year -- and the decade -- with both a new sound and a hint towards what the future will bring for the men of EXO.

Fronted by a lead single also dubbed “Obsession,” the 10-track album is bookended by Korean and Chinese versions of the song, which turns the group towards hip-hop-inspired sampling and an intense Auto-tuning, blending their more typical R&B and electro-pop styling with musical elements that at first seem anachronistic and jarring. But it’s the perfect way to set up the story they’re trying to tell.

For EXO, the majority of their musical releases have been tied into fictive narratives revolving around the members and fantastical, sci-fi plot lines, ranging from the extraterrestrial to the supernatural. For Obsession, which peaked at No. 198 on the Billboard 200 chart dated Dec. 14, EXO presented oppositional sides to themselves through a series of teaser images and videos ahead of the album’s release, setting up an epic battle between EXO and their X-EXO clones, which played out in the music video for their single. The song’s apparent disjointment on first listen is meant to go alongside the visual elements, representing a dialogue between the two warring parties.

“Honestly, when we look into a song we think about what kind of performance will work and whether a song will fit the kind of performance we want to put on,” Kai tells Billboard. “So when we heard this song, we thought it was a really good fit in the sense that for the Auto-Tune it matched the idea of the two different EXOs, EXO and X-EXO. The Auto-Tune kind of gives us the vibe of communication between the two different parties having a conversation, so it was a very specific move that we took.” He said he thinks EXO will win the fight, eventually, “Because anytime you watch a movie or read a comic the hero does win. X-EXO is temporary so they’re going to disappear anyway.”

The idea behind the storylines that EXO utilizes to promote their music is to better get their music across to fans -- known collectively as EXO-L -- and also to better relay content in the age of digital media, where visuals are just as important as audio elements. It’s been something the group has been utilizing since their earliest days, and each member has supernatural powers associated with them that often are featured in their branding. “We’re not just a group that sings and dances,” says Chanyeol. “For people watching us, of course they know the storylines are fake. But like watching a movie, it's another way for people to fall for us more deeply. It gives people a back story about how we were formed. Our storyline isn't just incorporated into our music or videos, but it's incorporated really well into our concerts as well. We do feel that it really allows people to become properly immersed.”

Kai and Chanyeol are two of six EXO members that participated in the album, alongside Baekhyun, Chen, Sehun, and Suho, following the enlistment of Xiumin and D.O. in South Korea’s military, fulfilling the country’s mandatory draft requirements, and Lay focusing on a solo career in China. The six other members are expected to similarly enlist and take temporary hiatuses from the industry in the near future.

The new dynamic has given EXO’s members opportunities to explore different sides of themselves, and Chanyeol says that it’s also opened their eyes to how they work together and cover for one another in case of any issues. Each member "has to pull their weight so whether in singing or dance, there are parts that won’t be hidden,” he says. “It would be a really big problem [if we made a mistake] because it would be really obvious.” For Suho, who is EXO’s leader, the diminishing numbers makes him reflective. “The fact that we’re unable to perform with all the members is a little bit sad, so when we look at old videos we do feel like, ‘Oh, there are a lot of members in the group’ and we’d like to come together as a full group.”

As all able-bodied South Korean men are expected to take time off from their lives to fulfill the country’s draft requirements, EXO knows it will be seeing more such changes in the near future, and the act will likely not look the way it once did for sometime. But rather than dwell on the past, the men of EXO are looking towards the future, and 2019 saw many of them work on alternative projects, where it was releasing solo music, such as Chen, Baekhyun, Xiumin, and D.O., or working with new units, like Sehun and Chanyeol’s EXO-SC and Baekhyun and Kai in SuperM, along with numerous other professional activities. “We’ve received so much love for our units and solo projects, but at the end of the day the most important thing is the team and group’s performances,” says Baekhyun. “The fact that we’re able to show all these different sides to us also allows us to show different sides of EXO as a group and show how diverse we are, and how each of us have our own talents.”

When asked how they feel about their career over the past decade and what they hope for the future, Chanyeol responds that the members of EXO feel that they’re focusing on the present and facing each moment on its own. “To be honest, when we do interviews when we’re working we realize that as a group we’ve become very comfortable. Rather than us having to go out of our way to go do something, it’s become very natural for us. It’s grown with time and come naturally, this sense of maturity.”

Though EXO and X-EXO battle it out over the Obsession album, the duality of the release is also reflected in the members’ struggles to explore their identities as individuals beyond the act: how to be both a member of EXO and a man in his own right. As EXO have grown in their career, they have also grown up: youngest member Sehun debuted as a teenager but is now 25-years-old. Unfortunately ill on the day of the interview, he was silent throughout much of the discussion and his health hung over the act like a cloud, with frequent references to how, as they get older, they need to take care of themselves better. “These days, seeing that our physical health is part of our workload, I feel that a healthy life, health in general, is very important,” says Baekhyun. “Rather than thinking about more of what we can do to grow as a group, I feel that we all have begun to focus on seeking individual happiness. Right now, a lot of our focus is on how each person is able to find their own happiness and health, and use that when we come together as a group to move in the right direction.”

Suho echoes this, saying that their branching out as individuals beyond the group is a way to take care of themselves as individuals after years of focusing on the collective well-being. “In the past, EXO’s schedule didn’t allow a lot of individual talents to be focused on but starting from the beginning of this year we were given the time to really focus on ourselves, whether it was internally or externally. It’s not just us as a group, but I think everybody needs that kind of self-care. It was good for everybody.”

Even as they focus on themselves, the group is still the focal point of EXO’s identity. “We came together, got very close, and without the passion that we had as a group I don’t think we would have made it as far as we have come,” reflects Baekhyun. “When it comes to being satisfied, as people I think that we’re never 100% satisfied.” This passion towards improving and always seeking something closer and closer to perfection, but recognizing that is impossible and that there is always something more to be done, is emphasized by the members’ responses when asked what their obsessions are: Kai says he’s a workaholic, and Chanyeol says his competitive nature is to the degree that it could be considered an obsession. (Meanwhile, Baekhyun’s obsessed with games, and Kai jokes that Sehun is obsessed with alcohol, as it is well-known he’s one of the group’s members who enjoys drinking.)

One place where Chanyeol at the very least is satisfied in is EXO’s music. “When it comes to our music, I’m 100% confident that we release quality music,” he says with pride. “It’s almost like we’re not following trends but we don’t fall back behind either.” He and Sehun tried to push their artistic side in a new direction with EXO-SC’s What a Life EP in July, and there was a bit of a negative response from some fans over the title song’s music video, which featured the pair partying it up with female dancers. But he says it’s all good, as there’s no moving forward without trying new things, and it’s always good to hear differing opinions. “We wanted to do something drastically different. You could say it was so completely different from what EXO typically releases. It was a very dramatic challenge for us, and even though there was some backlash from fans, for me personally it was a big motivating factor, that I need to show more new sides and that there are many new challenges to take on.”

It’s important to EXO that their audience takes in all the different sides to themselves that they have to offer, and Chen says he hopes that listeners recognize that there’s a difference between an artist releasing a single and an album. “If you listen to the whole album beyond ‘Obsession,’ you’ll recognize that all of the songs are good,” he says; his personal favorite is “Groove.” “I feel that there is a tendency that people just listen to the title track, but it would be really great if people can listen to the whole album because every song is really great.”

Moving forward, EXO knows they’re shifting into a new era of their career, but they express a desire to always remain as one. “I hope that EXO is able to continue just the way it does right now, but beyond the group I hope that each individual member is able to find his own happiness,” says Baekhyun. “We may not go on music performance shows all the time in 10 years, but we hope that we can release albums here and there. In that we can all live our own lives and come together, happily, as a group.” He pauses, and adds with a wry expression, “I think that in 10 years, hopefully we’ll be able to release something like a ballad or an R&B-heavy song where we can just stand around rather than dance.” Other members quickly jump in and refute this though. “That’s not EXO’s thoughts, that’s Baekhyun’s thoughts,” Sehun says with a laugh, while Chanyeol adds that he hopes EXO is “a very cool group” 10 years down the road; Kai adds that he would like to continue dancing as long as his body allows for it.

“As time passes, like our members, our fans are going to start pursuing their own lives as well,” says Kai. “As they fall into their own lives, when they suddenly have a thought of EXO, I hope that one thought that comes to their mind is, ‘It was a really good memory being their fan.’” Suho echoes this, repeating “A good memory” in English with a nod of his head. Baekhyun agrees with this desire for their time together with fans to be thought of warmly, but follows up with the suggestion that the idea of being a memory, while heartwarming, is limiting. “I really hope that we aren’t a group that is remembered as a group that’s part of the past, because when you think of that you think about these groups that don’t really promote and they don’t really do anything as a team. I hope that, whether individually or as a group, we continue to promote and that the name of EXO can continue to grow.”"

Photo links: 1

Credit: Billboard.

[elementalsight]

For the writing meme: 18 and 20?

18: Do any of your stories have alternative versions? (plotlines that you abandoned, AUs of your own work, different characterisations?) Tell us about them. Ohhhhhh so for Complicated Creation, one of my initial ideas was that after the Spirit Realm, Aizawa would give Izuku his contact number, and Izuku’d have a moment of “My phone doesn’t actually make calls, but I use wifi for email” (cue FEELINGS there) and Izuku taking off but promising to show up when they need him. And then the LoV setting off a bomb, essentially, with anti-quirk bullets inside that hit multiple people and Izuku has to come in and save the day. Thankfully the Dadzawa vibes were too strong, and I absolutely prefer this version. The MUCH BIGGER VERSION CHANGE is that originally? Ryujin is resurrected in chapter 13 straight up. Like, Izuku falls into the ocean, very nearly drowns, and Ryujin is the one to rescue him. There was a point where Izuku demanded to be let go so he could go home and Ryujin, being Not Very Good At This, just drops him for Mizuchi to catch on his back, but Izuku 100% thinks he is gonna DIE as he falls. I do love that scene and their exchange, and of course this means Aizawa is scolding Ryujin directly for the storms, but something felt off about it. I finally tossed it to @redrobin-detective for feedback and they were kind enough to sit as we worked back and forth about if Ryujin’s comeback was too fast after his death. So we came to the idea of Ryujin being essentially tied to where he belongs/was born and needs to stay there. For a year? A century? Who knows. He’ll be able to speak to and guide Izuku, but he won’t be physically there. Which changes some of how I expect the sequel to go, but I 100% think the story is stronger for it - and it entirely came from me reading comments and everyone telling me HOW MUCH THEY WERE EFFECTED by Ryujin’s death, which surprised me. Since I knew it was coming, it didn’t punch me in the same way I think it did for other readers. 20. Tell us the meta about your writing that you really want to ramble to people about (symbolism you’ve included, character or relationship development that you love, hidden references, callbacks or clues for future scenes?) Oh man CC is SO full of symbolism and repeated motifs and hidden notes. Some of my favourites: 1) Izuku starts and ends (more or less) at the Takua river. He starts there treating his wounds, wondering if he should fall in and let himself drift away before Tamamo-no-Mae drags him back. He ends there on the bank, expecting Mizuchi to arrive to kill him. He’s passive, feeling empty and used up and like an awful human being. And in the first round, he is offered help (from TnM) and rejects it and runs and goes to ground to hide. And the second time, after shenanigans Ryujin offers him help and Izuku more-or-less accepts it (he asks for time to think because he’s overwhelmed, but he does accept) and more importantly, he doesn’t run away: he asks to go back to Aizawa, to the one person who has helped him feel safe. I really wanted to examine how far Izuku’s come, but also reflect on how far he still has to go! Poor kid needs more than three weeks of Aizawa and good meals before he’s stable, but it’s a good start! 2) Tamamo-no-Mae. Things like “Do not fall in, I cannot swim” and later on her talking about how she met Mizuchi was by falling into his domain (one of his rivers) and she still can’t swim, I dunno why but I love that? Also she has at least one line, possibly more, that hint at more secrets folks don’t yet know about her that I am excited about. She is one of those spirits who becomes DEEPLY connected to her humans, and so she connects to Izuku easily and for Izuku, he really is attaching onto her a bit like a mother. 3) ALL THE FORESHADOWING ABOUT AfO I spent SO MUCH TIME trying to CARRREEEFULLY craft the hints: I didn’t want to make it too obvious, but at the same time it seemed so obvious to me - even the adults in-verse are like ‘this kid could be connected to AfO because of quirk manipulation’ and still it surprised so many people but importantly no one thought it was a complete heel-turn ass-pull. The minute you go back and reread (I have had multiple people comment as such) it’s obvious.  [[You are not what you are made to be. You are not what you are made out to be. Both things are untrue. You have surprised me,]] she says, like she’s making all the sense in the world. [[ I look forward to seeing what you become.]]  Also when Izuku meets OfA, he tries to protest ‘hey, I am not what everyone says I am, sure I’m apparently the bridge, but I just want to help people’ and OfA’s response is [[ That remains to be seen. You are young: age makes monsters out of men. ]] They know the context that Izuku doesn’t, that they somewhat think Izuku does know, and so they’re not trying to be cryptic. OfA is really just being passive aggressive, and TnM is trying to be reassuring! They just... don’t realize Izuku’s working with less information. I could probably go on, but I’ll wait and see if anyone else asks for the same # XD

[collaborationandresearchproposal]

Thursday 29th April, Research Report: Lycanthropy and the hays code

Notable points * lycanthropy seems  to be synonymous with homosexuality- parallels between Teen Wolf and Buffy The Vampire Slayer's respective coming out scenes. * The Queer-ness of the character Remus Lupin from the Harry Potter books and film series. Many fans head cannon and write slash fics about Remus and Sirius' romance and relationship, reading the characters as queer. The ship, named 'Wolf Star' is quite popular and well known within the fandom. Many fans feel there is enough evidence to build this relationship on; Remus and Sirius' ghosts stood next to each other in the resurrection stone, mirroring Harry's parents,  a canonically married couple. They also bought Harry a joint present for his birthday and know the intricacies of each others personalities. Dumbledore also infamously told Sirius to 'lie low at Lupins.' But the problem here, as the article points out, is that Rowling doesn't acknowledge Lupin as queer, despite the homoerotic cues in the writings,  and instead gives him a female love interest and admits that Lupins Lycantrhopy is a metaphor for AIDS/HIV. She has further dismissed any alternative readings of the character, disappointing fans' hopes of there being a shred of representation in a queer monster who is actually queer. This sort of behaviour from authors and creators is what turns Queer-coding into the more harmful and frustrating Queer-baiting. A large majority of queer representation comes from connotations and interpretations. the clues are there and queer audiences do pick them up. However this grey area allows allows straight culture to use queerness for pleasure and profit in mass culture without admitting to it. Modern examples of this are CW's Supernatural and BBC's Sherlock. I can't personally speak for Supernatural but having watched Sherlock with the advantage of a queer eye, I can say with confidence that it is a prime example of queer-baiting. there is clear homoerotic subtext between Sherlock and John and even Sherlock and Moriarty. I Personally think it's entirely romantic as I head cannon Sherlock to be Asexual or at least on that spectrum but the point is, it is not just wishful thinking or pushing of a narrative. It's manipulation. Queer-baiting takes advantage of an already vulnerable group of people by preying on their desire for representation in the media.

In modern media werewolf's are often portrayed as having chiselled bodies and looming over each other. The 1985 Teen Wolf received a television reboot and it's fair to say it got reasonably more progressive.  It seemed interested in queering the werewolf narrative and in a sly moment of gender-bending the traditional Little Red Riding Hood narrative, protagonist Scott receives the Bite from a male werewolf while wearing a Little Red Hoodie (‘Wolf Moon’). Additionally, the show features LGBTQ characters while Scott’s human best friend Stiles visits a gay bar and makes friends with a group of drag queens in startling contrast to the gay panic of the 1985 film’s version of Stiles. By midway through the show’s second season, the slash pairing that had proved dominant in the fandom was Stiles and wannabe-Alpha Derek Hale. The two characters, who operate in the narrative as belligerent and begrudging allies, rapidly became a slash phenomenon, due, in part, to the chemistry and comic timing between actors Tyler Hoechlin and Dylan O’Brien. The narrative is further subverted when Derek is raped by an adult  human woman.

The pair 'Sterek' gained so much traction that it caught the attention of MTV and the cast and crew behind the show. So much so that they released a video of Hoechlin and O'Brien cuddling on a boat, asking fans to vote for Teen Wolf for this  years Choice Summer TV Show at the Teen Choice Awards. This  was big as it acknowledged fans and slash flics and the pairing itself as a possibility and many queer voices who watched the show felt heard and validated. However this didn't last long. MTV released a video on the official Teen Wolf Facebook, this time featuring O’Brien asking fans to vote for Teen Wolf in a TV Guide Poll. O’Brien joked that if fans did not vote, then the show would kill off its sole remaining gay character and one of the few remaining non-white characters on the show, Danny. The Teen Wolf Facebook released the video with the following caption: ‘Keep #TeenWolf in first place! Heed Dylan and Linden’s advice or we might have to. #KillDanny’ (Teen Wolf). The show’s social media team then attempted to make the #KillDanny tag go viral on Facebook and twitter, but fans, understandably, were not amused, primarily using the tag for outraged tweets to MTV (Baker-Whitelaw).Such blatant disregard for fans’ concerns about queer representation on the show alienated a large number of fans, especially when coupled with Jeff Davis’ more frequently dismissive and condescending comments about the Sterek pairing where he had been enthusiastic and even encouraging of the ship. As seasons wore on without any indication that Sterek would indeed become canon, it became clear that MTV and Jeff Davis had been queer-baiting Sterek fans as a marketing technique and that the unique interplay that fans had enjoyed with Davis, which offered a new kind of truly interactive fandom had, in fact, been something of an illusion. ' serial killer Hannibal Lecter and his love interest Will Graham in Hannibal, and reanimated gay corpses Kieren, Simon, and Rick in In the Flesh. Notably, both series have received an overwhelmingly positive response from fans and critics who have applauded the series for taking their queer monsters beyond mere coding and into explicit text. The warm reception of Hannibal and In the Flesh’s handling of queer representation by fans, and the continuing frustration with Teen Wolf’s queer-baiting and the appropriative nature of Remus Lupin’s narrative in Harry Potter, belie a desire not only for better queer representation, but also for more complex re-articulations of queer monstrosity' the symbolic and narrative trappings of monsters are often used as metaphors for queerness without actually acknowledging the positive behind that queer identity or even confirming the queer identity at all. Another positive example is the miniseries Good Omens. Based on the book of the same name, written by Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman. Pretty much the whole fandom believe That the two leads, Crowley and Aziraphale are in a romantic relationship. They've known each other for centuries and perhaps what was the main fuel to this ships fire was the episode 3 cold open. Even fans who have only read the book seem to support these two as a couple and what's perhaps even more amazing is Gaiman’s response on twitter. "I wrote it as a love story. They acted it as a love story. You saw it as a love story. How much more proof do you need?" and "I wouldn't exclude the ideas that they are ace, or aromantic, or trans. They are an angel and a demon, not as make humans, per the book. Occult/Ethereal beings don't have sexes, something we tried to reflect in the casting. Whatever Crowley and Aziraphale are, it's a love story." It's beautiful because not only does it confirm that they are in love but it also leaves room for interpretations of what kind of relationship they have together.

https://dialogues.rutgers.edu/images/Journals_PDF/2017-18-dialogues-web_e6db3.pdf#page=164

In the year 1922, when cinema was gaining traction and popularity, The Motion Picture Producers and Distributors Association (MPPDA) hired a devout Presbyterian, Will H. Hays as its head. Eight years later, in 1930, the MPPDA ratified the Motion Picture Production Code. Also known as the Hays Code, these guidelines were set up as “a list of rules that studios could follow to avoid the censors’ wrath” one specific line read “sexual perversion or any inference to it is forbidden” This era in censorship set the stage for a culture in which the stereotypical behaviour of homosexuals, or any behaviour deviating from the traditional gender roles, is seen as dangerous, evil, and even fatal. By representing coded homosexual characters as depressed, perverse, and succumbing to punishing ends, it shifted social subconscious beliefs of LGBT individuals in real life to those represented on screen. Media often teaches us how to feel about others and ourselves – e.g., it promotes specific body types and clothing styles. In the same way, by promoting gendered behaviour and banning homosexuality, it spread a message that homosexuality was not fit to be viewed openly. Although themes of homosexuality were banned they were definitely alluded to and that continues today.

[keysmashchronicles]

getting specific with some fic examples - part 1

The Seven Basic Plots argues that there are certain elements that occur time and again in stories because they hardwired into our way of telling them, and are crucial to creating a sense of enjoyment and satisfaction. So is this the case with phanfic? Is the reason that readers respond so strongly to their favourite fics because the authors have an innate understanding of what these essential features are and intentionally or unintentionally incorporate them into their stories?

Let’s look at a specific example: fifty kisses to Christmas by nokomisfics is a short, heartwarming friends to lovers fic centred around Phil’s attempts to help Dan manage his existential struggles by doing something that he read online should help raise his serotonin levels – kissing him.

If you haven’t read the fic, be warned there are spoilers ahead so go and do that before reading further!

How closely does this fic adhere to what Booker says makes a satisfying story, and how does this contribute to the readers’ enjoyment of it?

The first universal aspect as described in the Seven Basic Plots is that the main characters need to go through some kind of inner transformation provoked by a series of problems or difficulties that stand in the way of them achieving happiness. They evolve into more mature, complete versions of themselves as the story progresses and by the end have the necessary mental and emotional resources and strength to overcome the final challenge that stands between them and their happy ending.

In some plots the malevolent forces working against the protagonist are personified in the form of an evil villain that needs to be defeated, or perhaps a rival that needs to be beaten, but this isn’t the case with the comedy plot. Instead, these kinds of stories are more about the kind of darkness that comes from a sense of separation; separation from self, separation from others, separation from love, truth, light and all good things in life. They focus on the characters emerging from a place of confusion, misunderstanding, and secrecy towards a state of clarity, harmony and trust, and show the ways that they need to develop and mature as people in order for this to happen.

Do we see this pattern In fifty kisses to christmas? It’s pretty clear from early on in the plot that there is the potential for Dan and Phil’s relationship to be more than just friendly, and we see a progression throughout the story from a state of ignorance and denial towards a much greater honesty and acceptance.

Even at the start of the story, we can see how committed they are to each other. We’re shown just how focused Phil is on trying to help Dan feel better and how much his problems are affecting him when he’s researching online to try and find some kind of solution. He ‘reads and tries and reads and tries and none of it works. He doesn’t know how to fix his friend’, which shows the impact is has on him when Dan is in distress. And even before they share their first kiss, we see that Phil thinks of him as a ‘beautiful boy’ and ‘pokes at Dan’s cheek, because he likes how soft it always is’. As for Dan, we don’t get his POV so we can’t be sure what he’s thinking and feeling but he doesn’t seem to mind at all when his best friend suddenly decides they ought to start kissing.

Despite this, it seems that neither of them are either ready or able at this stage to admit the extent of their feelings for each other, which are obscured both from themselves and each other, although pretty clear to the reader.

As the story progresses, they increasingly come to recognise them, but are still not ready to openly acknowledge them. But by the end of the fic when the agreed fifty kisses have been exchanged which, according to their agreement means they ought to go back to a merely platonic relationship, Dan is brave enough to come out and state clearly what he wants and how he feels, so that they are able to achieve their happy ending.

So as the comedy plot requires, we see how as the fic progresses, our main characters tentatively open up and allow themselves to risk revealing their truth. They aren’t able to be truly happy without moving beyond ignorance and denial to a place of openness and trust.

Is this change in their behaviour brought about by a developing and maturing of their personalities as the universal plot suggests? We do see some ways in which they change and learn over the course of the story.

For example, early on Phil reflects on how he’d first realised a few months previously that Dan was struggling with his emotions, but he wasn’t sure quite how to address it so he just didn’t bring it up. He’d noticed that Dan had probably been crying, but ‘they hadn’t talked about it’ As time goes on, we see him becoming more comfortable with and willing to acknowledge and tackle difficult feelings and uncomfortable situations, even though it might be easier just to let things slide. For example, when they’re making toasties in the kitchen and Phil reminds Dan that they have a meeting at the BBC, even though he knows Dan’s deliberately trying to ignore it. He doesn’t avoid the subject, even though Dan’s reaction makes him feel ‘a rising dread in the pit of his stomach’.

Throughout the fic, we’re shown how Dan is reluctant to ask for Phil’s help when he’s having a hard time, tending instead to avoid him or act out in anger when he’s feeling low. We don’t really see a change in that behaviour until the end of the fic, when Phil comes down with the flu. Phil tries to tell Dan that he should go off and have a nice Christmas and not let it be ruined because of him, but Dan says that it’s the least he can do to be there for him.

He’s happy to look after Phil even if it might seem inconvenient because he cares about him and wants him to feel better, and this helps him to see that Phil feels exactly the same way about him when he’s struggling with his mental health. It’s not Dan’s fault that he has these struggles in the same way that it’s not Phll’s fault for falling physically ill, and it’s OK for each of them to ask for and offer help and support when the other needs it. So we see a letting go of his feelings of self-recrimination and moving towards a greater sense of self-acceptance.

So it seems that it’s more than just the passage of time that works to bring them together at the end of the fic, there is a sense by which their characters need to change and develop to allow that happy ending, even if it isn’t a particularly dramatic shift.  Being a 10k one shot, there isn’t scope for complex or dramatic character development, but a simpler and more gentle progression can be just as effective in adding impact.

What does this revealing of hidden truths, this sense of growth and character progression bring to the story? I agree with Booker that watching characters mature and develop, make progress on the issues that are holding them back or become willing to accept parts of themselves that they’ve previously denied really adds to my enjoyment. Seeing the characters face up to difficult emotions and really come into their own tends to be a feature of the fics that have the most emotional impact on me. Those are usually the ones that will stick in my mind, or that I’ll come back to and read over and again.

This is one of the reasons I like the friends to lovers trope so much. The slow realisation that there’s more to their relationship than they previously thought; the blocks or barriers that are in the way, the decisions that get made about what to acknowledge, and how, and when; the courage it takes to finally get honest about what’s going on; the risk that’s involved when they’re not sure how the truth might be received and then the joy of realising that they both feel the same way is something I find very satisfying when reading fic.

The second key component of the universal plot is the use of a pattern of alternating states of tension and release, darkness and light, confusion and clarity which build in intensity towards a final climax.

This alternation is the crucial thing – it’s not about tension growing steadily and continuously, but about an ebb and flow, a sort of two steps forward, one step back scenario that slowly builds as the fic goes on. If the tension just built and built and built with no relief, we’d be exhausted before we were half way through! So this process allows it to develop in a way which is much more enjoyable and engaging to the reader.

How does this fic make use of this pattern? This can be seen in how the kisses between Dan and Phil change as the story goes on. Rather than a straight forward progression, there is a sense of moving into new territory, then pulling back to safer ground for a bit before having the courage to push things forward again. So the very first kiss is a quick peck, quickly followed by something a little more meaningful, with Phil ‘slipping his fingers into Dan’s hair’, Dan relaxing into Phil leaving him ‘pliant, soft and so, so kissable’ and Phil musing on ‘if it’s supposed to feel this great to kiss your best friend’

But rather than progress things further, both Dan and Phil and we as readers are then given a release in that tension, a bit of respite to catch our breaths and reflect on what’s just happened. The next few kisses are dropped to the top of Dan’s head or his shoulder, casually affectionate rather than passionate.

This pattern continues as the fic goes on. Dan stays up all night working on a project and while encouraging him to go to bed and rest they exchange a kiss that is ‘gentle, both of them sleep-soft and warm’ and we see how it affects Dan as his eyes ‘flutter shut’ and he makes a little sound as Phil ‘claim[s] his soft lips as quietly as he can’. That connection, that intensity between them is continuing to build but again, it pulls back, followed by simple good night kisses, a peck on the lips or even on the nose when they’re putting the star on the Christmas tree (so cute!).

Then there’s the night when, after a boozy lunch with PJ, the combination of the alcohol and PJ’s assumptions about their relationship leave Dan in a bad way. Phil goes to comfort him and they end up kissing in Dan’s bed. Phil’s just pondering on how it can feel so right to be doing this with your best friend, when Dan tugs on his hair and ‘all the blood in Phil’s body rush[es] to his crotch’, definitely new territory for them, definitely beyond the realms of just helping out your friend in a totally platonic way. Phil tries to stop things, tries to pull away but rather than let him, Dan’s response is to initiate a kiss between them for the very first time, pulling Phil back down, ‘lips hot and searching’.

This clear sign that they both want more than they’ve been willing to admit could have been the climax of the plot, the physical demonstration of their affection for each other then followed by a confession of their feelings, but again, the intensity drops back. The next morning things aren’t awkward, but they skirt around the subject, discussing how they should record last night’s kisses on their kiss chart rather than talking about what they might mean. Phil can’t quite keep his hands to himself though, ‘running his fingers down [Dan’s sides to where a strip of pale skin is exposed’ so he can touch ‘the soft skin of Dan’s belly’. But then over the next few days we’re back to tamer kisses, even though Phil’s now very aware of the true extent of his feelings for Dan as what he’d really like to do is ‘push [him] into the racks of Christmas CDs…..and kiss him silly’.

Before long, there are only two kisses left. Phil decides to keep the final kisses for Christmas Day, and so it seems like we’re being set up for that to be the climax to the story with maybe some big romantic gesture and a declaration of love, but instead Christmas Day dawns with Phil in bed with the flu, and Dan getting in beside him to look after him and provide him with comfort. It might seem that this was done simply to tease out the tension of the story and make us even more eager for it’s conclusion, but as mentioned earlier my view is that this role reversal with Dan looking after Phil is needed to help him let go of insecurities about himself and be ready to finally open up about his true feelings.

Their final two kisses, shared when Phil is feeling a bit better but still kind of groggy with fever aren’t really anything special, certainly not any kind of grand gesture, but it’s what happens next that counts. The experiment is over, the allotted number of kisses have been given….but they don’t stop. They both know that there’s now no reason for them to be kissing other than the simple fact that they both want to. At first, out of habit, Phil keeps counting but then he stops counting at all, Dan kissing him wherever he can reach and then confessing into Phil’s neck ‘I don’t want to stop’ in a voice which is ‘scared, wobbly, vulnerable’.

This really is the climax of the story, the point where the final barrier between them being together is being faced. Dan has taken a risk, put himself out there and even though we’re pretty certain of what Phll’s reaction is going to be, it still creates that point of tension, of the weight of the possible consequences of making this admission.

When Phil responds that they don’t need to stop, both we and they feel the tension finally break that’s been building and receding throughout the fic. We’ve reached the point where we’re finally assured that everything is going to be OK. Our boys were kind of clueless, a bit misguided but they got there in the end and we feel a mixture of relief and celebration.

I think it’s pretty clear that this pattern of gradually increasing tension that ebbs and flows but ultimately builds towards some kind of final climax is absolutely something that makes a fic satisfying to read! Whether it’s a fluffy one shot, a mammoth slow burn that unfolds over dozens of chapters or even a pwp with a different kind of happy ending, this pattern is used and enjoyed throughout phanfic to great effect.

the seven basic plots and phanfic // fics that don’t fit the mould

[writingquestionsanswered]

Rejection Woes

Anonymous said:  Hi. I apologise for the missing part. I've been rejected by 250+ agents. Most said I have an intriguing and original premise with complex characters, but it's not right for their list right now. Some loved the concept and writing, asking for the full manuscript, and then rejected it for reasons like it had too hard issues, the violence made them uncomfortable, a character seemed underdeveloped, they didn't connect with the voice, or they simply don't feel passionate enough to represent it. I've had two professional editors and one literary agent look it over. They didn't mention any of the above issues, but felt immersed and connected, and they told me that my manuscript is different. The literary agent also told me to query the best agents out there because that's what my manuscript deserved. I sent it to an independent publishing house for yet another opinion (since I always doubt praise), and the director there compared my writing to Kahlil Gibran and wanted to publish it. However, I have to pay for the publication, and they'll distribute it to Amazon, Waterstones, and Barnes & Nobles, as they have some kind of deal with them. (I checked the publishing house and it's legit). 

At this point, I'm so lost and I don't feel like a writer, or that my manuscript is worth being published. I can't figure out if something's wrong with my writing, or if it's just a matter of taste and whether my manuscript fits the format of a mainstream YA Fantasy for the agents. One of the professional editors was also a consultant at a well-known press and she was adamant about acquiring my manuscript from me (claiming that it was a powerful and different manuscript) once I'd cut the things that she wanted me to cut to follow the YA Fantasy formula, so I reworked most of it, but didn't feel comfortable compromising on the things that represented my culture and were essential to the plot. She seemed insulted and rejected me. This entire process of querying, receiving all this contradicting feedback, and being rejected over and over, has convinced me that I don't have what it takes to write a successful story, and my writing isn't good enough for the publishing world. All I wanted was to tell a story that mattered beyond just the entertainment value. To have my voice be heard. I'm sorry for dumping this on you. I don't even know what I'm trying to ask anymore. 

First, more than anything else, I want to give you some virtual hugs and make sure you understand that rejection, and having a hard time finding a home for an unusual story, is not a reflection upon the quality of your story and your talent as a writer. It also doesn’t mean there’s not an audience for your book. There’s an audience for everything--it just takes a little longer to find that audience for books that stray from the “tried and true” formula, and neither agents or publishers are interested in putting in the time to search for an audience. (More on that in a bit...)

So, what’s the explanation for the conflict between the praise you’ve received and the inability to find an agent to represent you? The explanation is money. Plain and simple.

You see, the traditional publishing industry has one goal: to make money. Every decision they make is what’s best for the bottom line. And what people may not realize about the publishing industry is that every manuscript they take on presents a potential financial risk. Why? Because they’re going to pour a ton of money into that manuscript in order to turn it into a book that can sit on shelves. They have to buy the manuscript from the agent, thus paying both the agency and the author. They have to pay their in-house team (editors, cover artist, marketing, legal, overseas rights, etc.) to get the book ready for production, and then they have to pay for the physical production of the book and thousands upon thousands of copies. Finally, they have to pay to ship those books out to book stores and Amazon, and they have to pay to promote the book. It’s a costly venture. The cost of publishing a single book for a traditional publisher can be well into the tens of thousands of dollars range, and they not only need to make all of that money back, they want to make a profit, too.

The bottom line is that a traditional publisher is going to do everything they can to minimize that initial risk by making sure every manuscript they take on is one that is likely to do well. In other words, they’re always going to look for books that follow “tried and true” formulas, because they know they’re probably going to sell well. The more a book strays from what’s known to sell well, the bigger a risk it presents. For that reason, books that stray from the usual formula are almost always written by established and successful authors. Why? Because established, successful authors have a built-in fan-base, so their name alone will drive much of the book’s sale. This grants some wiggle room in which the author and publisher can take bigger risks. They’re not going to do that with a debut author or an author with only a few books to their name. So, what can you do? These are your options...

1. Pursue Traditional Publishing with Another Manuscript

If you want to break into traditional publishing, you have to do it with a manuscript that falls in line with current trends and doesn’t push the boundaries too hard. Once you get published and have a few more formulaic books under your belt, if your books sell reasonably well, you can talk to your agent or publisher about the more risky manuscript.

2. Pursue an “Assisted Publishing House” (But Beware...) It’s super important to understand that any publishing house that makes you pay to publish your book isn’t an “independent publishing house” but an “assisted publishing house,” often called a “subsidy publisher” or “vanity press.”

An “independent publishing house” is a small traditional publishing house, meaning that you don’t pay them. They cover the costs of book production, just like in the bigger traditional publishing houses. The only difference is that you may not get an advance or may get only a very small one (hundreds of dollars vs thousands.)

The problem with assisted publishing houses (again, not the same thing as an independent publishing house) is that they are a breeding ground for scammers. They can look “legitimate” and still rob you blind. And, unlike traditional publishers (who don’t pay themselves until your book sells), most assisted publishers pay themselves out of what you pay them to produce your book. In other words, they’re not taking a risk by publishing your book. They get paid (out of your pocket) whether your book sells or not. And, despite what many of them claim, they simply do not have the same reach as traditional publishing houses as far as getting your books onto actual bookstore shelves.

The advantage to this kind of publisher, if you can find one that’s vetted by groups like ALLi, is that you don’t have to worry about doing all the footwork to get your book produced. You pay them and they do most of the work. It can also make a writer feel like they look more legitimate if they have what sounds like a traditional publishing house behind their book. And, obviously, since they’re not taking on a financial risk by contracting to publish your book, they’re much more likely to publish books that don’t follow current trends and known formulas for success.

3. Self-Publish (AKA “Indie Publish”)

The indie publishing industry has bloomed over the last ten years or so. The advent and popularity of e-books and the accessibility of indie author services has made indie publishing a more accessible, more viable route for writers whose books don’t follow current trends or “tried and true” formulas, and for writers who, for various other reasons, aren’t interested in the traditional publishing industry.

The main drawback to self-publishing is that many still view it as an inferior route to getting published, which is unfortunate because traditional publishers are just as likely to crank out some really awful books, and indie authors are just as likely to publish really fantastic, award winning fiction. The other drawback is that it’s a lot of work and it does cost money, though depending on how much you’re able to do on your own, it’s possible to publish an e-book (and even a print version) pretty much for free. The amount of money you put into your book is entirely under your control.

The benefit to being an indie author is you’re 100% in control of everything. You control the rights, you control the content, you get to decide on the title and choose what’s on the cover... no one can tell you what you can and can’t do. There are boat loads of services out there targeted toward indie authors, everything from editing and book formatting to cover design and marketing, all in a variety of price ranges. The indie author community is also strong and supportive, with lots of wonderful social media communities, not to mention organizations like The Alliance of Independent Authors (ALLi) and The Association of Independent Authors. 4. Try Social Publishing

This is an emerging yet popular means of publishing that is cost-free and a great way for budding authors to find an audience. Ultimately, social publishing is when you post your story to a site where others can read it for free. Sites like Wattpad, Tapas, Swoon Reads, Booksie, and Underlined allow you to post your book so others can read it and offer feedback, and sometimes popular authors on these sites catch the attention of agents and traditional publishers. Alternatively, you can post your story in installments through your blog.

The downside, obviously, is that you don’t get a physical copy of your book and you don’t get paid. But the upside is that it’s free, there are few restrictions, and it’s a great way to help you find an audience for an unusual story, not to mention start to create a built-in fanbase. Having a built-in fanbase can be hugely important if you decide to indie publish, as well as if you decide to seek traditional publishing. You can also go on to open up a Patreon account, which at least gives you an option for making some money off the content you create.

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I hope that one of these options will work for you. The important thing is to not get discouraged. Try to focus on the fact that you’ve gotten so many wonderful compliments about the manuscript. People love what you’ve done--they’re just too afraid to take a risk in publishing it, but the options above offer a variety of routes around that obstacle. Good luck and hang in there! <3

[bill-the-baker]

I’ve also decided to finish this decade with something more light-hearted, detailing the many trends that one can associate with the past ten years. I styled this picture in a similar fashion to those gaudy collages you have relating to the 1980s and 1990s, with this mainly being reflected in the style of this picture. The title of the picture holds a very minimalist design, and is shown from inside a phone, whilst the rest of the poster has a dull white background. These main design choices were added to reflect the omnipresence of smartphones in this decade, as well as the general trend of Minimalism, which has been followed by many companies in recent years. The decision to make the background seem plain was not completely because I’m feeling lazy, but because I tried to follow the trend of minimalism, a trend I personally hate because of how boring it is (I probably would have added in a pretty pattern if there was some other major design trend).

Beyond this though, there are a few other things I chose to add in to reflect the 2010s:

-Ragecomics- The basis of most early-2010s memes.

-Skrillex (or rather Dubstep in general)- A key figure in a genre of music that you either loved or hated.

-Obama- A fantastic President who laid the groundwork for change that will hopefully be built upon in the future.

-Hipster culture- Fresh-out-of-college rich kids who made avoiding the mainstream a mainstream trend.

-The Occupy Movement (“We are the 99%” sign)- A promising post-Great Recession movement with disappointing results.

Gay Rights- Gay marriage is now legal in places like the United States, and homosexuality is more accepted the western world, so much so that companies are now no-longer afraid to pander to them whenever June comes around. Still, other parts of the planet have yet to change their outdated ways.

Trans rights- With people like Caitlyn Jenner and Leelah Alcorn, Transgenderism has arrived into the forefront of social issues, though it remains a strongly divisive issue throughout the decade.

Drones- Like helicopters but smaller and cheaper.

Overwatch- An interesting game that offered a unique personality to the shooter genre in a decade oversaturated with annual Call of Duty releases.

Cuphead- A challenging run-and-gun platformer with a Golden-Age animation-style, showcasing what can be made through video games these days.

Minecraft- The game that doesn’t die. It defined the childhoods of many gamers who fondly remember the early-2010s, and has since made a major resurgence in the decade’s end.

Steven Universe- A much-loved show that offered many unique and progressive themes, which I can admire despite my mixed feeling for the show itself.

Gravity Falls- A show aimed at children didn’t have to be this immersive and interesting, but Alex Hirsch and his team did it anyway and offered the world two seasons of hilarious and yet gripping television.

Political correctness/Woke-ness (“That’s Offensive” speech bubble)- Something that has been pushed to death among the political mainstream, but especially by the Left, as people are silenced whilst others demand safe spaces to keep their precious feelings from being hurt. Political correctness is a somewhat-trend that is better off staying in this decade.

Shrek- Whilst the 2010s have been starved of a new Shrek film besides the contested “Shrek Forever After”, the “Shrek is Love, Shrek is Life” greentext story, despite its crude subject matter, has made the brutish but kind ogre a mainstay in meme culture, whilst offering people the opportunity to explore the nuances of the franchise, after growing up with the character.

Pewdiepie- Starting out strong in the decade, making a name for himself as “that funny Swedish guy who screams as scary games”, an incident in February 2017, in which he was called a Nazi by the mainstream media, resulted in him becoming a more independent and politically incorrect figure, before going on to unite the internet in a battle for the most subscribed YouTube channel against a corporation. He lost in the end, but it was fun while it lasted.

Tyler, the Creator- Offering a unique sound among waves of forgettable Pop music, Tyler evolved from an edgy but somewhat humorous rapper, to an interesting and poignant singer in this past decade, achieving near-mainstream success.

Marvel Cinematic Universe (Endgame logo)- Many mainstream cinemagoers are bound to have seen at least one of these groundbreaking movies in cinemas, with their intense action and perfectly balanced humour, all culminating in the outstanding films “Avengers: Infinity War” and “Avengers: Endgame”.

Death Grips- Unlike anything that has ever been popular among general audiences, the exciting tunes concocted by MC Ride and Zach Hill have remained in the minds of many younger and more alternative individuals.

My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic- Arguably the most unlikely of fanbases to come around in this decade, this re-imagining of an 80s cartoon series had a style of humour and storytelling that peaked the interests of a group of adult men known as “Bronies”, who’s reasons for being interested were questioned and much of the internet hated them, but they were certainly something to behold throughout these years.

The 2016 Presidential Election (Hilary Clinton and Donald Trump)- A time many can regard as the branching-off point between the first and second halves of the decade, as the extremes of both sides were exposed to the world with astonishing results.

Vine- A social media platform that has since disappeared off the face of the Earth, but brought about many notable celebrities and memes that are often remembered by younger generations.

Vaporwave- Alongside Hipsters, Vaporwave was perhaps one of the few examples of a concrete “counter-culture” movement, offering an anti-Capitalist message within its use of music and iconography from the 1980s and 1990s. Since then, it is best known for offering a warm and interesting “aesthetic”.

Pepe the Frog- A frog best known for saying “Feels Good Man” earlier on, was later used by certain Right-wingers and has since been touted as a symbol of hat. But, with a smug grin like that, it appears that he doesn’t seem to care about what others say.

Social media- It already played a massive role from the mid-2000s-onwards, but now, the scale of social media has grown exponentially, with people moving away from mainstream news and entertainment and instead choosing to get their kicks on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter and YouTube. This focus on gaining the news from social media has held some negative consequences as fake news continues to fool gullible Boomers.

Hyperbeast fashion- In terms of fashion, the Hypebeast is the late-2010s’ version of the Hipster, though unlike Hipsters, who are financially-independent rich kids who make questionable purchasing decisions, Hypebeasts are often preteen/teenagers who suck money out of the credit cards of their rich parents.

Adventure Time- A rather interesting cartoon that started off as a fun show to get high to, but evolved into a gripping epic with an expansive lore and interesting world.

Minions- While they were rather annoying to older viewers following their introduction in the otherwise top-tier film Despicable Me, children and especially 40-something year-old Facebook Mums couldn’t get enough of these wacky tic-tacs.

Brexit- A subject that I, as a Brit, couldn’t seem to get away from in the past few years, as politicians refused to move forward with the people’s decision. But, with the Tory majority in Parliament, as depressing as that sounds, it seems possible that we can finally move on as a country to more important matters.

Vaping (Juul-smoking mouth)- Recovered chain-smokers and rebellious teens have made this trend a popular pastime, though its popularity has waned recently over health concerns.

Doge- Whilst it began as a singular image of a cartoonish-looking Shiba Inu making a weird face, as brightly-coloured Comic Sans surrounds her, this dog has become the subject of many surreal and unique memes, taking on many different forms, solidifying the transformative nature that all memes should strive for.

Hoverboards, Fortnite, Dabbing, and Fidget Spinners (The monstrosity on the bottom-right)- What do a handle-less Segway, a more cartoony (but somewhat better) version of PUBG, a dance based off of post drug-taking sneezes and small bits of metal for Autistic children have in common? They have all ascended to levels of annoying trends that at least some people have had fun with.

Undertale (Sans)- An interesting game that has gained a heavy degree of fame for its interesting themes and interesting characters, some of which have been admired a bit too much by certain teenage girls.

As for my personal experiences of this decade, I can say that, whilst I was born in the early-2000s, I was definitely raised in the 2010s. Much of my memories of the previous decade are rather minimal, and I didn’t follow that many trends considering I only lived on constant repeats of SpongeBob by the start of this decade. Since then, though I have gained many impactful memories from these past few years. Some good, some bad, some great, all of which were a part of growing up. In about two-weeks’ time, I will finally become a legal adult, and shall begin the rest of my life. So, I wish you all well, and hope your Twenties are truly roaring!

[ianspirations]

Querida Amazonia - A Summary

Pope Francis summarizes the discussions of the synod into 4 dreams which I think are a brilliant way of portraying the situation as well as the vision for the Amazonian region in particular and for the world in general. He says clearly that he has wilfully refrained from quoting the final document of the Synod because he desires that “everyone read it in full” (QA 3).

“The Amazon region” in the words of the Pope, “is a multinational and interconnected whole, a great biome shared by nine countries: Brazil, Bolivia, Colombia, Ecuador, Guyana, Peru, Surinam, Venezuela and the territory of French Guiana” (QA 5). Although this is a directed exhortation, the Pope chooses to open it up for the whole world since “the Church’s concern for the problems of this area obliges us to discuss, however briefly, a number of other important issues that can assist other areas of our world in confronting their own challenges” (QA 5).

Here I wish to quote the first part of paragraph 6 because it is so powerful in its message, rich in meaning and clear in its instruction. The Pope writes, “Everything that the Church has to offer must become incarnate in a distinctive way in each part of the world, so that the Bride of Christ can take on a variety of faces that better manifest the inexhaustible riches of God’s grace. Preaching must become incarnate, spirituality must become incarnate, ecclesial structures must become incarnate” (QA 6)

The Four Dreams

I.                    A Social Dream: I dream of an Amazon region that fights for the rights of the poor, the original peoples and the least of our brothers and sisters, where their voices can be heard and their dignity advanced. (QA 7)

The aim of this dream is to bring about a situation wherein every person can enjoy ‘good living.’ This consists in making arduous efforts on behalf of the poor. The Amazon is facing an ‘ecological disaster’ but it is not enough to tackle the ecological issue leaving aside the extremely versatile social situation. The Pope quoting Laudato Si (LS) #49 says, “a true ecological approach always becomes a social approach; it must integrate questions of justice in debates on the environment, so as to hear both the cry of the earth and the cry of the poor.”

The Amazonian region holds massive interest for colonizers; these are not seeking to conquer the place as the colonizers of old but desire to control the land in a new way chiefly through timber and mining industries. This wanton greed has expelled and marginalized the indigenous peoples, the river people and those of African descent who inhabited these parts. What resulted from this fiasco was enslavement, subjection, poverty, xenophobia, sexual exploitation and human trafficking (QA 10).

All those national and international business that have contributed to turning the Amazon into a living hell for the people are guilty of “injustice and crime” (QA 14). The Pope humbly exhorts, “we cannot allow globalization to become ‘a new version of colonialism’” (QA 14).

“We need to feel outrage, as Moses did (cf. Ex 11:8), as Jesus did (cf. Mk 3:5), as God does in the face of injustice (cf. Am 2:4-8; 5:7-12; Ps 106:40)” (QA 15). Colonialism has not ended; it has merely been changed, disguised and concealed (QA 16). In order to combat this grave evil we have to “overcome the colonizing mentalities and build networks of solidarity and development” (QA 17). The Pope suggests that alternatives be sought for sustainable herding and agriculture, discovering sources of energy that don’t pollute and adopting “dignified means of employment that do not entail the destruction of the natural environment and of cultures” (QA 17).

The Church has and continues to play a vital role in defending the rights of the indigenous peoples (QA 18-19). However, the members of the Church like many others, sadly “have been a part of networks of corruption, at times to the point of agreeing to keep silent in exchange for economic assistance for ecclesial works” (QA 25).

The Pope dreams that “the Amazon region…be a place of social dialogue, especially between the various original peoples, for the sake of developing forms of fellowship and joint struggle” (QA 26). “Dialogue must not only favour the preferential option on behalf of the poor, the marginalized and the excluded, but also respect them as having a leading role to play” (QA 27). The Pope insists that all ‘others,’ that is, those without a direct interest in the issue, ought to be treated as ‘others’ and the opinions and ideas also treated as such so as to avoid the possibility of any concrete decision or plan being ‘a plan drawn up by the few for the few.’

II.                  A Cultural Dream: I dream of an Amazon region that can preserve its distinctive cultural riches, where the beauty of our humanity shines forth in so many varied ways. (QA 7)

The fundamental way in which the Amazon can maintain and enhance its rich cultural heritage is through education. The very purpose of education is “to cultivate without uprooting, to foster growth without weakening identity, to be supportive without being invasive” (QA 28). Since the Amazon region is host to many peoples and nationalities, besides over 110 different kinds of indigenous peoples, the treasure trove that is their culture is at a serious risk. First and foremost, they face the threat of ‘postmodern colonization’ and secondly, the classification as ‘uncivilized savages’ who ought to be ‘civilized’ by means of Western education (QA 29).

In the pre-colonial period, the majority of people lived on the shores of the rivers and lakes. Colonizers claimed these prime lands and drove the indigenous peoples inwards to the forests. Today, the desertification of inlands has forced many people to the ‘outskirts and sidewalks of the cities.’ “There they usually lack the points of reference and the cultural roots that provided them with an identity and a sense of dignity, and they swell the ranks of the outcast. This disrupts the cultural transmission of a wisdom that had been passed down for centuries from generation to generation” (QA 30).

Every human group has its distinctive lifestyle and worldview. “Fishers are not the same as hunters, and the gatherers of the interior are not the same as those who cultivate the flood lands… In each land and its features, God manifests himself and reflects something of his inexhaustible beauty. Each distinct group, then, in a vital synthesis with its surroundings, develops its own form of wisdom.” (QA 32). The ‘consumerist vision of human beings’ steamrolls over all cultural distinctions and unique characteristics thereby blurring out and “diminishing the immense variety which is the heritage of all humanity” (QA 33 quoting Laudato Si 144). This has a particularly devastating effect on young people because it causes them to lose touch with their cultural heritage and roots. In order to prevent this problem, the Pope points out the “need to care lovingly for our roots, since they are ‘a fixed point from which we can grow and meet new challenges’” (QA 33). For all Christians, in addition to their cultural roots, there is a need to additionally take charge of one’s faith roots which includes “the history of the people of Israel and the Church up to our own day. Knowledge of them can bring joy and, above all, a hope capable of inspiring noble and courageous actions” (QA 33).

The Pope appreciates all those who have stemmed the threat of losing out on cultural heritage by “writing down their stories and describing the meaning of their customs. In this way, they themselves can explicity acknowledge that they possess something more than an ethnic identity and that they are bearers of precious personal, family and collective memories” (QA 35).

Every culture has its own set of drawbacks. Western cultures dark side of consumerism, individualism, discrimination, inequality and many others are easily noticed by all. Similarly, Amazonian cultures also have their dark side. The Pope suggests that all of us bring our cultures to “the common table, a place of conversation and of shared hopes. In this way our differences, which could seem like a banner or a wall, can become a bridge. Identity and dialogue are not enemies. Our own cultural identity is strengthened and enriched as a result of dialogue with those unlike ourselves” (QA 37). If a culture closes up on itself it becomes “inward-looking and tries to perpetuate obsolete ways of living by rejecting any exchange or debate with regard to the truth about man” (QA 37). The responsibility of protecting, encouraging and nurturing cultures like with each of us. If we are not open to the idea of diverse cultures, how do we expect the people of the interiors to be?

The Pope points out how the globalized economy surreptitiously destroys our human, social and cultural riches. The invasive nature of mass communication drastically reduces the scope for cultural expression and alienates people from their native cultural contexts by introducing them into a digital culture that cares little for authentic cultural expression. For this reason it is absolute vital that cultures and their people be respected, and that they find a definition of ‘good life’ for themselves within the ‘world of symbols and customs’ proper to them rather than following an external definition with accompanying regulations for implantation and ideas for enhancement (QA 40).

III.                Ecological Dream: I dream of an Amazon region that can jealously preserve its overwhelming natural beauty and the superabundant life teeming in its rivers and forests. (QA 7)

The Amazonian culture is so closely and intimately connected with nature that “daily existence is always cosmic” (QA 41). While liberating people from various forms of bondage that entrap them is a way of caring for the environment and defending it, what is of greater importance is “helping the human heart to be open with trust to the God who not only has created all that exists, but has also given us himself in Jesus Christ. The Lord, who is the first to care for us, teaches us to care for our brothers and sisters and the environment which he daily gives us. This is the first ecology that we need” (QA 41). An ecology of nature has to coexist with a human and/or social ecology. The two are interdependent on nearly every level. This belief stems from the conviction that ‘everything is connected.’ (QA 41)

Care for people and care for the ecosystem cannot be separated. An abuse of nature amounts to an ‘abuse of our ancestors, of our brothers and sisters, of the creation and the Creator.’ The harm we do is not limited to the here and now but puts the future in serious jeopardy. Quoting from the Instrumentum Laboris of the Synod, “the land has blood, and it is bleeding; the multinationals have cut the veins of our mother Earth” (QA 42).

The Amazon is a land of water. “The rivers and streams are like veins and water determines every form of life” (QA 43). Water does not divide people by giving them liquid boundaries but rather unites them (QA 45).

The equilibrium of the planet depends in a big way on the health of the Amazon. A huge number of living beings and various climatic elements rely on the Amazon for their existence. The Amazon is a natural filter of Carbon Dioxide, it’s rich forest cover is not only home to numerous species but also contains “resources that could prove essential for curing diseases” (QA 48); the various products like fish and fruits enable humanity to sustain themselves.

When one considers environmental damage or destruction one usually evaluates it in terms of visible extinction but this is not the  correct way of doing this. “The good functioning of ecosystems also requires fungi, algae, worms, insects, reptiles and an innumerable variety of microorganisms” (LS 34). Unfortunately, their impact as well as the damage they incur in the name of ‘development’ is often and sadly, overlooked.

The Pope appreciates the commitment of international agencies and local bureaucracies who “draw public attention to these issues and offer critical cooperation, employing legitimate means of pressure, to ensure that eac government carries out its proper and inalienable responsibility to preserve its country’s environment and natural resources, without capitulating to spurious local and international interests” (LS 38).

The economically invested parties are never satisfied with the profits they make and are constantly on the search for new and innovative means to increase their balances. The Pope suggests that the whole world come together and ensure that there are some sort of clear boundaries that are put in place to protect ecosystems and that do not allow the wanton destruction of our common home in the name of development or profit. (QA 52) Thousands of species have already had the existence cut short due to a variety of reasons but mostly due to human interference. The Pope says it beautifully, “Because of us, thousands of species will no longer give glory to God by their very existence, nor convey their message to us. We have no such right” (QA 54) The Pope concludes that the Amazon region is a “theological locus, a space where God himself reveals himself and summons his sons and daughters” (QA 57).

In order to improve the situation and prevent further destruction, education has a massive role. “A sound and sustainable ecology, one capable of bringing about change, will not develop unless people are changed, unless they are encouraged to opt for another style of life, one less greedy and more serene, more respectful and less anxious, more fraternal” (QA 58).

IV.                An Ecclesial Dream: I dream of Christian communities capable of generous commitment, incarnate in the Amazon region, and giving the Church new faces with Amazonian features. (QA 7)

The Pope is very clear in his stating that all Christian interventions ought to be focused and centred on Christ. All that we do must in some way or another be an opportunity to incarnate the Gospel (QA 64-65). He is very strong in emphasizing that even our work of social upliftment and liberation ought to involve inviting the poor and abandoned to a friendship with the Lord (QA 63).

In order to preach the Gospel effectively, the Church must take on the identity and reality of the people to whom she desires to reach out. The Church brings to the dialogue of inculturation her own rich heritage of Christian wisdom and experience that has been handed down through the centuries (QA 66). Pope Saint John Paul II put it very beautifully when he addressed the Indigenous peoples of the American Continent (12 October 1992), “a faith that does not become culture is a faith not fully accepted, not fully reflected upon, not fully lived” (as quoted in QA 67). Thus the Church must undertake the double action of giving the Gospel and incarnating it in the culture while at the same time receiving from that culture ‘new aspects of revelation’ (QA 68).

For the Church to achieve a better inculturation in the Amazon, she must “listen to its ancestral wisdom, listen once more to the voice of its elders, recognize the values present in the way of life of the original communities, and recover the rich stories of its peoples” (QA 70). For the indigenous people the ‘good life’ is expressed in “personal, familial, communal and cosmic harmony…in a communitarian approach to existence, the ability to find joy and fulfilment in an austere and simple life, and a responsible care of nature that preserves resources for future generations” (QA 71). The Pope wants the Church assist the people in the process of ‘cultural retrieval,’ educate them, especially the urban population, against the dangers of consumerism and isolation and help urban communities to be missionary not only to those among them but to all the poor, marginalized and migrants (QA 72). For the Pope, these are all forms of inculturation and they elevate and fulfil ((QA 72-73).

Indigenous mysticism stresses “the interconnection and interdependence of the whole of creation;” it is a “mysticism of gratuitousness that loves life as a gift;” it is ultimately a “mysticism of a sacred wonder before nature and all its forms of life” (QA 73). For us Christians, it is Jesus Christ, the Son of God who connects all things and is present in and through them (QA 74).

Poverty is one of the defining features of the Amazon region. The Gospel shows a clear connection between evangelization and human advancement. Hence, all Christian communities ought to work for the justice of God’s kingdom that can be achieved through work for the advancement of those who are on the peripheries. The Church’s pastors have to be trained in this regard (QA 75). “In this way, we will reveal the true beauty of the Gospel, which fully humanizes, integrally dignifies persons and peoples, and brings fulfilment to every heart and the whole of life” (QA 76).

When this occurs we can look forward to “witnesses of holiness with an Amazonian face, not imitations of models imported from other places” (QA 77). The holiness of the Amazon will be “born of encounter and engagement, contemplation and service, receptive solitude and life in community, cheerful sobriety and the struggle for justice” (QA 77). This process has been initiated many years ago and the people can be considered to be ‘initially evangelized’ (QA 78).

The Pope opines that there is a possibility of adopting an indigenous symbol without it being considered idolatry. Local myths need not be discarded but possess the ability of appealing to people’s minds and becoming carriers of Christian truth. “A missionary of souls will try to discover the legitimate needs and concerns that seek an outlet in at times imperfect, partial or mistaken religious expressions, and will attempt to respond to them with an inculturated spirituality” (QA 79).

The process of inculturation can be initiated in a very powerful way through the sacraments, “since they unite the divine and the cosmic, grace and creation” (QA 81). The sacraments are unique in as much as they take up creation to God in the same instance as they bring out the Divine manifested in creation. The Sacraments communicate the mercy and healing of God and consequently ought never to be held from anyone who desires to receive them (QA 84). The Church needs to find ways and means of making the sacraments, especially the Holy Eucharist frequent and easily accessible even in the remotest and most isolated communities (QA 86). The role and concept of the priest requires to be revised in keeping with the situation of the place. The Pope defines a priest not as one who possesses power either of the material or spiritual kind but as one who is tasked with incarnating Christ in and through the celebration of the Eucharist and absolving people of their sins (QA 87-88).

The Pope envisions that Christian communities be full of life. This fullness of life can come about only if the community is first united. The Eucharist is a sacrament that “signifies and realizes the Church’s unity” (QA 91). Priests must foster communion in their Churches and not simply aim at achieving unity. Communion can be achieved when the diversity and variety of gifts and charisms that the Spirit pours out on the faithful is properly channelized and expressed. Priests alone, though they have a vital role, are not the only ones responsible and capable of this enormous task; permanent deacons, religious women and lay persons have their unique contributions to make. The Church has to develop an “ecclesial culture that is distinctly lay” (QA 94).

The Pope concludes this dream by mentioning the unforgettable and irreplaceable contribution made by women in the Amazon region. For decades the faith has been kept alive even without a priest thanks to women who “undoubtedly called and prompted by the Holy Spirit, baptized, catechized, prayed and acted as missionaries” (QA 99). The Pope warns the faithful against a reductionist mentality which believes that women can truly be granted a greater status and participation in the Church only if they are ordained priests. He warns that such thinking will serve no other purpose except to “clericalize women, diminish the great value of what they have already accomplished, and subtly make their indispensable contribution less effective” (QA 100). God in His infinite wisdom sought to reveal His power and love through two human faces: “the face of his divine Son made man and the face of a creature, a woman, Mary. Women make their contribution to the Church in a way that is properly theirs, by making present the tender strength of Mary, the Mother” (QA 101). Leaving aside the functional aspect of both genders, the Pope stresses the indispensability of women by stating that without them and their contribution “the Church breaks down” (QA 101). The history of many Amazonian communities is testament to this fact.  

[patriciahaefeli]

A Cautionary Tale? A Love Story? You Decide

It's been one of those rollercoaster weeks, one that began with a great deal of pain, which I tried to ignore at first, so as not to ruin my 17- year old’s already Corona-compromised birthday party. At some point during our 5 p.m. family Zoom celebration, I quietly left the room and went upstairs to lie down, writhe in pain, get back up, bend over, moan, repeat. This continued through the night Monday – and at one point, I remember thinking that labor wasn’t this bad and that I should probably go to the emergency room. In this new world we’re in, that thought was quickly dismissed by one word: COVID. I paced the floor at 3 a.m., alternately moaning and then bopping my head and sort of softly singing what kept running through my head, which was the chorus of The Knack’s 1979 hit song, “My Sharona.” Only my version went “My Corona.” Yes, even while suffering, I’m clever that way. 

By Tuesday morning the pain had subsided. I was exhausted however, and slept throughout the day. “Tricia! Drink this! Jesus, she’s burning up.” It was the alarm in my husband’s voice that I responded to more than the command. I sat up, drank the water he was holding out to me, and when I caught my reflection in the mirror over the dresser I had the brief, feverously detached impression of someone who’d sat under a sun lamp for too long. Sun lamp, the words made me almost giggle out loud. Sun-lamp, sun-lamp, sun-lamp…Does anyone even know what that is anymore? A few hours later I had a virtual appointment with my regular GP, during which the decision was made for me to go to the office first thing Wednesday for a full exam. My instructions (my fever-addled brain again added the words “should I choose to accept them” - hehehe), for entering the building would come in the form a text. 

My office exam was efficient and thorough. Upon arrival, I called the office and someone met me at a side door. As we were both masked and gloved, we nodded and murmured muffled greetings. Two PAs and an MD palpated my tender abdomen while I stifled screams. They decided that I should have a C-T scan that day, with the expectation that the offending culprit was a kidney stone. As many radiology facilities are currently closed, it took a few hours for them to locate one that would take me. My scan took place at 4:30. I was the last patient of their day. 

 Fast forward to 6:30 p.m. Wednesday evening. I picked up the call, which was remarkable in itself because anyone who knows me knows how irritating it is that, a) my phone is always on silent mode, and, b) I rarely answer numbers I don’t recognize. It was another doctor from Vanguard, calling to let me know that my C-T scan showed no evidence of kidney stones – “Yay!” BUT, he cut in, it did show acute appendicitis. What I needed to do, he said, was to go directly to the nearest ER. 

So here’s where this story really begins, because I was about to get a reality check regarding the difference between the inconveniences of “social distancing” and quite literally, matters of life and death. For those of us who are shuffling around at home in our sweatpants, eating too much, complaining about the buffoonery of our President, laughing at all the funny memes, and who are, to one degree or another, COMPLETELY OBLIVIOUS to the fact that health care workers do not have the luxury of ANY of that, here’s the newsflash: The Corona virus has virtually SHUT down normal operations for hospitals and surgical facilities, so if you’re also laughing in the face of social-distancing guidelines, and just can’t wrap your head around the possibility of contracting this deadly disease, know this too: If you break your arm, or your spouse has a heart attack, or your child’s strange rash won’t go away and you’re just really concerned, good luck. We are NOT in Kansas anymore, peeps. 

 I considered doing a bit of a negative a rant on the first hospital that I went to here, but perhaps that wouldn’t be fair. “The nearest ER” for me would have been another hospital, but due to their somewhat dubious reputation, we opted to go just a bit farther away. The best thing I can say about that experience was that the safety protocols to enter the ER were impressive. Picture the scene in E.T. where the Hazmat-suited guys from the space program find out about him and “invade” the house in a tunnel of white - then picture the people standing six feet apart outside of say, ShopRite, only these people don’t look so great. They’re kind of bent over, or swaying, or leaning on someone else. Then count your blessings that your gut hurts and you’re not bleeding out…or struggling to breathe. 

Three hours later, after they’d reviewed my scans and completed all of the necessary pre-op tests (blood work, EKG, urine analysis), I got the word that most of the ORs were being used as ICUs for COVID patients, and they were only doing “emergent” surgeries. They sent me home with massive doses of antibiotics, and a referral to see their staff general surgeon - outpatient. 

I figured they were right, too. Must not be very serious. I was doing well with that notion until the following morning, when I heard the barely concealed shock in the voice of my regular MD.  

“Did they see your scans?” his tone serving only to increase my anxiety. 

 “Yeah. But my appendix hasn’t exploded yet.” I said. 

 “Ah,” he sighed, “I know things are being handled differently in the ‘current environment,’ but last time I checked, acute appendicitis was emergent.” 

Okay, pay attention now, because here’s where it gets really interesting: See if you can answer his parting questions: 

 “Do you have a general surgeon? Preferably one with their own facility?” 

 So, do you? And if you do, are you sure they’re even open right now? I sure as hell didn’t (and the name they gave me at the hospital turned out to be for a doctor whose answering machine told me he was not seeing new patients). And the idea that it was now pretty much my problem to solve was a little intimidating – especially for someone who generally needs to be told that they’re sick (enough) or in (enough) pain to seek help—but that’s another story. Now that doctor, who I respect and like a lot, said he’d be trying to find me one, but that I should do my research as well. 

 My husband and I made a fairly long list of people/places to call, and split it. Those we were able to reach at all offered possible solutions to my dilemma, but each dead-ended pretty quickly. I focused on the task now, trying to ignore what it might mean that the ache in my belly seemed to be spreading down my right leg. 

As of this writing, I have yet to hear back from my regular GP and yet, here I sit, post-op, able to get this down mostly because of a Facebook message I sent to one of the nurses in the Belleville Public School district. The only real help I got came from her, a nurse, who responded immediately to an “in-boxed” message, and kept responding for the next hour, sending me the names and phone numbers of doctors (sometimes with their credentials!), links to possible facilities, and words of encouragement. She gave me her personal cell phone number and encouraged me to call it if I had questions and/or to let her know how it was going. I felt like she meant it, too. I also think she was responsible for the first in a series of serendipitous events that just may have saved my life. One of the names she gave me turned out to be the dad of one of my kid’s friends. 

 At that point, things happened pretty quickly. I called him (at home) and told him my situation. In a matter of 20 minutes, he had my scans and had booked  a time slot for me for same-day surgery at Clara Maass. He’s a high-energy, outgoing kind of guy, and although I’d stood on sidelines with him and his lovely wife at many a sports event, I don’t know him well enough, nor did I think it was appropriate to laugh out loud when he laid out the plan: “With everything going on, I just really want to do you – and get you the hell out of there!” 

So here I am, more grateful to him than I can possibly express and having some time to consider just how random and crazy and dangerous that whole situation was (turns out, my appendix had begun to perforate after all, and the real fun was just beginning) and how fortunate I am. 

 But the real heroes here - Oh, and God, aren’t we all a little sick of the “hero” thing? – well get over it, and listen up! From the minute I walked through the door of Clara Maass yesterday, my experience was the best it could possibly have been. The nurses! OMG the nurses - I was in pre-op for hours. Lucky as I was to have been squeezed in to an already crowded surgical schedule, the truth of the matter was that my presence had required a quick shifting of resources—stretchers and space and - nurses. My sudden appearance in the queue was inconvenient, possibly even annoying. And yet all of them, including the nurse who ran the OR, came by to check on me, to give me extra blankets, to chat with me, and laugh with me. A friend’s daughter-in-law, who is a nurse there, got a text from him and even she came from three floors below just to say hello and charm me with her Australian accent and tired-but-twinkling blue eyes. I swear, for me? The whole experience was a cross between a weirdly sterile spa stay, and – as mine all happened to be women - a girls’ sleepover with your best girlfriends—only these were women I'd just met (but they’d also pretty much seen me naked, so, there’s that…). 

Most of them were nearing the end of a 12-hour shift. As I lay there, relaxed and warm, reading and texting, they race-walked back and forth among those of us who waited, or were recovering. I lost count of how many times one of them asked me if I was okay, or if I needed something. They ate their dinners on the move, taking bites and then sprinting off, tearing off one set of gloves, putting on another. These people Do. Not. Sit. The sink was right near my bed, so I saw a lot of hand-washing traffic too, and a lot of red, chapped, over-sanitized hands. They spoke in soothing voices to those who were waiting, and possibly scared, and loud-enough voices for those emerging from the cloud of anesthesia to understand. Sometimes they shouted good-natured complaints to one another, or teased one another – and me, as when one started repacking those bags they give you for your clothes, amusement in her voice as she yelled, “What the hell did you do here, shove it all in like a little kid? Your purse is open – Maria, come over here and see this – she’s a mess!” Hahahaha! One came by and pointed to the cover of the book I was reading entitled “The Silent Patient”, and joked “That’s the kind we like!” 

I even began to wonder if what I was getting was “special treatment” reserved for those whose surgeries were personally called-in by the surgeon. Once he arrived, however, it was clear that not only did they not know he was the one who got me in, but they chided him in the same affectionate way. At a point, I said to one of them, “Doctors think they’re all that, but nurses really run the show don’t they?” She winked at me and elbowed me a little, “Like husbands, honey – they just think they’re in charge!” 

I lounged, for over four hours while they stood on what had to be tired feet, hands on hips as they talked to me, telling me which part of the hospital they’d spent the morning in, or where they were headed next in this crazy, all-hands-on-deck environment. We chatted about jobs and kids, and only when the topic of this deadly disease came up did the lack of words become conspicuous. Then it was all a mime of sad shakes of the head and downward glances. 

It occurs to me today that after all of this, I'm not sure I would recognize any of them tomorrow if I saw them on street – nor they me. Of course, we were all masked. But maybe I would – if I could see their eyes again. And I'm not exaggerating when I say that most of all, those eyes conveyed a profound kindness. And laughter, and concern, and compassion, and dedication—and a toughness that allows them to do it all. 

I'll tell you a secret: I am a person who often has a weird response to unexpected kindness - it makes me cry. I welled up more than once yesterday afternoon. I may have been just one of many for them – this is just what they do - but for me, a bond was made. I will always remember them. 

Make no mistake: it’s no hardship to be home in your sweatpants with your gel manicure looking a little ratchet, and your spouse and kids seeming more like houseguests who have overstayed their welcome. Today, I want you to feel really, really blessed and grateful, and if you’re like me, a generally healthy person who never really gave too much thought to the job that these people do, I hope I was able to convey just a little of it. 

That school nurse who rescued me put it this way: “I took an oath when I graduated just as physicians do. I have followed it for 28 years and it has never let me or my patients down.” That whole oath thing is good and important and all, but the heart behind it gives it grace. 

So, if you get an invitation to do one of those car processions where you beep your horn and cheer for the local health care workers as they go in to, or leave, work– get in your car and go. Or, just mail them each a check for a million dollars. Either way.

[kate-sinclaire]

thief (m raleigh x mc)

Part One // bad reputation (raleigh x mc)

Book:
 Platinum Pairing: 
(m raleigh x mc) (Ella Andrews) Rating:
 PG-17; sexual themes and language Word Count: 2,273

TAGS: @zodiacsign1 @owleyes374 @lovedrakewalker @averysheart-raleighsdick @cordoniasmost

NOTE: All characters belong to Pixelberry Studios (minus, for the most part, Ella Andrews), I’m just borrowing them. I also do not own the image. Image found on weheartit.

Summary: This takes place in Chapter Seven of Platinum where MC and Raleigh attend the charity gala, and then sneak off to an abandoned building (which later turns out to be Raleigh’s).

DISCLAIMER: Some of what happens in this story is not the same as what happens in the Choices version (example: in this adaptation, what Ella wears is different than what she wears in Choices). This is just a creative adaptation rather than a direct copy. ALSO: I know that they escaped on a motorcycle to the abandoned building, but since Raleigh was drunk in this chapter, it was a no go.

--

A gala. A fucking gala. How had he been convinced to attend a GALA? He pursed his lips and swept his hair back, staring at his reflection in the mirror. He leaned over the sink, his strong biceps holding up his weight against the porcelain. His dark eyes stared back at him, as though awaiting his decision to speak.

"You are Raleigh Carrera," he nearly growled. "You are God's greatest punishment to women, you are every woman's biggest regret, you hate commitment, and you do not have feelings for Ella Andrews." Even he didn't buy it. Shit.

He took another swig of whiskey from his flask. Was he really going to show up drunk to this thing? Abso-fucking-lutely. Right on brand.

--

Ella stood outside the building, posing for pictures and offering autographs to anyone who wanted them. She had nothing better to do as she waited for her very late fake boyfriend, and the summer air was nice and warm against her skin. Letting out a shaky sigh, she gave another smile, blew another kiss, and made her way to the entrance one slow step at a time.

"Ella, how's songwriting going?" "Are you writing any songs about Raleigh?" "Ella, what was your inspiration for the gown?" "Ella, what made you choose to sponsor a wildlife conservation charity?"

I should at least answer this one, she thought, standing a little straighter. "Wildlife conservation has always been important to me. No one seems to focus enough on preserving our world or the life that lives in it. Animals go extinct every day from poaching, several tons of plastic are dumped into our oceans, destroying the life that lives in them. Coral reefs are dying and, in the meantime, we're just letting it happen. There needs to be more awareness on the matter, and so when I happened upon the charity, giving back to it was a no-brainer."

"Can I quote you on that?" Ella nodded briefly, gave one last smile, and decided to head toward the entrance. Just as she made it past the foyer, she ran headfirst into her "lover's" arms. Something about their last day together had diminished her feelings; not by much, though, and especially not when looking at Raleigh's muscular physique in a tuxedo. Her eyes met his, and she cocked her head as she noticed the tint of red in them, and the rose color to his cheeks to match.

"Nice of you to join," she commented wryly, giving him a gentle kiss on the lips. How did something so innocent send waves of electricity shuddering through her body? He seemed to drink in her presence, his eyes trailing down her collarbone to her heels, and back up again. There was something else hidden in those deep brown irises; heat, maybe?

"Sorry, I was occupied," he slurred finally, offering her his arm. "Shall we?" They walked in through the foyer and to the gourmet food stands nestled in the back. Ella filled up a plate of rolls, honey baked ham, and chicken. At the end of the line, she grabbed a heaping cup of coffee along with a glass of water and tugged Raleigh along to find their assigned seats. It was a good thing waitressing had given her such a talent. "God, can you really eat that much?"

She shot him a look and pushed the food over to him, along with the giant mug and large glass. "This is for you. Something tells me you need to sober up."

"Pshh, I'm not-I'm not drunk," he stammered, ending the sentence with a hiccup. He chuckled and not-so-politely shoved the bread into his mouth.

"Ms. Andrews, how lovely to see you!" Ella turned to a smaller, older man in a dark blue suit. She stood and held out her hand, keeping up her poised and etiquette performance. "Pardon me, I'm John Tellar, one of the creators of the project." She did everything to avoid her wince as she felt Raleigh clumsily rise behind her. "Ah, and Mr. Carrera, it is an absolute privilege that you would grace us with your presence."

"That sounds likely," he agreed.

"What he means," she replied, grabbing onto his hand and giving him a warning squeeze. "Is that it is such an honor to have been invited to an event like this. Wildlife conservation is an issue so close to my heart."

"Ah, yes," he replied. "Conservation is a great thing. Anyhow, I believe I see someone waving me over. So lovely to meet you both." He dismissed himself with a grin and made his way through the crowd.

"What the hell was that Carrera?" she asked, spinning on her heel. As she did so, she instantly regretted it, seeing as though there was hardly an inch between them. His cologne seemed to cloud her senses, faltering her angry expression.

"Ella," his voice was calm and patient. "Where do you think they received the money for this event?" She looked around her; down at the marble floors, up at the gold accents, around at the gorgeous tables, also accented with marble and gold. Her eyes widened, realization dawning on her for the first time.

"Oh my God," she whispered. "How much of the proceeds even go to wildlife conservation?"

"Less than 10%," he replied, his voice growing angry once again. "Remember that scandal that came out about me a few months ago? About how I don't support charities or some shit like that? This is why." She swallowed hard. How had she been so stupid? Before she could react, Raleigh began to make his way to the stage, determined. While her nerves remained, she decided that she wasn't going to stop him.

"Hey," his voice boomed into the microphone. Everyone stopped, turning their attention to the slightly swaying Raleigh Carrera. "You all are frauds, you know that? You want to know why I don't contribute to your shitty charities?" Oh, God. "Because you don't fucking care. And...you. You tried to turn my girlfriend into a fraud. But you know what? She does care. She does give a fuck." The way he said girlfriend without hesitation nearly brought Ella's jaw to a drop. But he had had so many fake relationships, he was used to them. Right? Her cheeks flushed as the audience turned to look at her.

"She's too good for you," he said. "She's too good for all of us." He stepped down and stormed out the exit. Ella followed, her thoughts racing. What the hell did that mean? Did he just reveal some trace of his feelings connected for her? She bit down on her cheek and stopped just short of him when she found him leaning up against a tree, his eyes staring at the sunset. Nothing was said for a while until he let in a deep breath. "Ella-I...I'm sorry if I embarrassed you up there."

Instead of saying anything, she walked over and wrapped her arms around his neck, her eyes flickering to his lips. He pulled her in hard and kissed her, his tongue exploring her mouth and then pausing to kiss down her neck and to her chest. She let out a small moan and pulled back, pressing her forehead to his.

"Let's get the hell out of here."

--

"Oh no, this is where you kill me, right?" she laughed as they pulled up to an abandoned building. Everything about it said, "Will fall on top of you and crush your dreams; figuratively and literally." Raleigh grinned and nodded at the limo driver, prompting his leave.

"Nah, I don't plan on killing you. You're my fake girlfriend, after all," he winked. There was that word again. Fake. She tried to hide her disappointment with a small smile. Clearly, it had worked because he walked straight on past her and to the door. The knob refused to move as he attempted to turn it. “Shit.”

Ella stood beside him and fumbled with her hair as she glanced up at the now dusty grey sky. She nudged him and slid a bobby pin in his hand. He cocked an eyebrow. “You’re going to help me break in?” She shrugged.

“Why not? Worst case I’ll just cut my hair short and date a goodie-two-shoes celebrity to boost my image,” she smirked, her thoughts relaying to their first conversation.

“You certainly live up to your reputation as a jerk,” Ella had smiled coyly, tugging her guitar at her side, as though shielding her from this alternate world set before her.

Raleigh flashed that million-dollar smile of his and hooked his thumbs into his back pockets. “So you do know who I am.”

Ella shrugged. “I’ve heard your songs and seen the tabloids. The lightbulb went off after I put your face to the name.” He eyed her curiously and flicked his tongue across his bottom lip. “You’re kind of notorious, Raleigh Carrera.”

“Notorious,” he repeated slowly.

“I’m used to your hair being longer, though.”

He chuckled, “My crisis PR team made me get it cut. Going for a more...responsible image. Do you like it?”

Ella paused before answering. She liked it. She liked it too much. “Pretty sad that you have a PR crisis management team, Carrera.”

She shook herself from the memory and watched as he meticulously unlocked the door with a few turns of the pin. “Got it in one.” Raleigh held out his hand to Ella, and she took it as they rushed up the broken steps and out onto the flat roof. The view stopped her in her tracks.

City lights spanned on for miles, twinkling romantically and winking at all who watched. Cars buzzed by in the distance and the honking of angry cabs echoed out in front of them. Raleigh paused and pulled out a bottle of liquor and two glasses before taking a seat on the roof’s edge. He looked back at her and patted the spot beside him.

“This place is yours, isn’t it?” Ella asked with a smirk, taking the glass in front of her and pounding it down. She winced as it burned down her throat.

“Guilty,” he grinned. She gazed out and sighed blissfully. “I used to come here a lot. You know, for nostalgia purposes, after they plucked me from Peurto Rico to join Sunset Skatepark. Things were...crazy in New York.” He took a swig from the bottle and grimaced. “This was where I’d escape.”

He rubbed the back of his neck, uncomfortably. “I uh...” he paused. “I don’t take anyone up here.”

“I bet you say that to all the girls.”

“No,” he said, his voice suddenly sober. “No, I uh. I don’t.” She looked at him, her heart suddenly racing. The winking lights reflected beautifully in Raleigh’s eyes as he stared at her with...longing? “You make me want to tell you things.” Heat flared as he closed the distance between them, holding her carefully against his side. The kisses were tender, yet passionate and desperate; as though they held the answers both were desperately seeking.

Raleigh swung his legs over and jumped down from the ledge, his desire growing as Ella jumped into his arms, gown flowing as she wrapped her legs around his waist and arms around his neck. The kisses persisted, harder and faster. He lowered the both of them to the warm concrete and slid a blanket out from behind a box, laying her down onto the soft fabric.

He kneeled on top of her, caressing her exposed legs as his mouth sought her collarbone. She let out a quiet moan as she guided him up higher, needing him to touch her; needing him to make her quiver. Her hands played with the hem of his pants, gently stroking the skin below. His breath hitched, and he abruptly stopped her. “Before we do this,” he whispered. “I...I need you to know that it can’t mean anything.”

Her heart dropped. “Can’t mean anything?” Was he serious? What about how he looked at her? How he held her? How he...how he touched her? God, she was so stupid. Of course. She was just another notch on Raleigh Carrera’s belt.

“It’s just a bit of fun,” he repeated, but the meaning of the words didn’t quite meet his eyes. She was such an idiot. Ella pushed him off of her, refusing to let him see the tears threatening to run down her cheeks. “Ella, wait-” She shook her head.

“I’m not just a bit of fun, Raleigh Carrera,” she replied to behind her, her voice breaking. Shit. The stinging became too much and she wiped her eyes, knowing that the mascara had smeared over her perfectly made-up skin. She quickly dialed Hank’s number, the need to get away from Raleigh tearing her insides apart.

Though he called for her, Raleigh didn’t follow as she made her way out of the building and down to the sidewalk. He stood watching her shoulders heave up and down as sobs began to choke out of her. He wanted to hold her; wanted to be there. Wanted to apologize; wanted to say he didn’t mean it. Wanted to say he was scared, no, terrified of how he felt about her.

But instead, he just watched as her limo driver came up to the sidewalk, pulling him into his strong arms and glaring up at Raleigh. He rubbed his hand down his face, wetness spilling down from his eyes to his cheeks. It was for her own good, he told himself. I’m no good.