#so i think itll be interesting for me to read this in ten years time also

[deangirldisease]

hm.

becoming a little like. genuinely concerned with the level of my apathy. its almost like executive distinction but not rly bc while id like the things to BE done but im not necessarily TRYING to do them and meeting resistance. like even mentally i just cannot be assed. and i do i DO want the results. i know a good life takes effort i know itll be steps before i can be happy and theyre not even hard steps i have a to do list of four (4) items!!! but im just sitting here decomposing and im straddling that line where its like this is worrying but not worrying enough to take action. esp cos last time i ‘took action’ i just fucking moved to canada. and it did not help let me tell you. also off topic but theres a secret fifth item on my list which is opening dating apps again to get some fucking intimacy on this bitch of an earth and thats so far removed from my realm of possibility for some reason that i didnt even put it on the actual list? im like. somehow embarrassed by the whole concept of it. and i do think the ao3 addiction has something to do with it i will admit. like its just not going well sisters idk.

[runicsorceress]

alright... time to remake this damn intro post.

hey. names rune she/her. im 20 now and.. guess im a trainer? got eight badges but never fought the elite four. settled back down in floccesy town. maybe someday ill end up opening a ghost cafe... if i can get the cash

some of my other interests are magic, ruins, video games, and drawing, though. stopped drawing for like. 4 years. so im pretty garbage at it. also into mythology legends and a bit of history. weirder unexplained shit too... been a lot of that going around recently.

arc this is getting long so. info on my mons and a drawing of me are under the cut

now. my current mons:

littie the lampent. my best friend.. had her since i was ten or some shit? real young. shes stuck with me through thick n thin

bolt my rotom. theyre a service mon and a battle mon. dont know what id do without them honestly.. theyre really damn helpful

makoto the cofagrigus. first mon i caught during my journey. he mostly does his own thing. quite the bookworm too

pebble the golett. hes a little bundle of energy and loves fighting. his energy makes him a bit tough to take care of but.. i cant stay mad at him

oran the frillish. used to be pretty anxious n shit but now that we've settled down hes a bit calmer. think he just doesnt like big cities and crowds. same honestly

connie the cosmog. (yes an actual fucking cosmog.) dont ask how i got her. long story.. shes just a puff of stardust and love.

perjury the shiny misdreavus.. mischievous bastard. love her though. not the best influence on pebble and connie but she makes them happy

klinklang the. klinklang. obviously. ended up taking care of her after her previous owner abandoned her. shes a bit hard to read...

plus i got a shiny cutifly delivered to me? shes pretty chill.. helps out with gardening

ginger the skornaling yamask. prescious little baby.. love her so much. one of only four of this yamask variant. holds some bird skull instead of a mask

and.. thats it for mons

i aint putting my league card with my legal name n shit on the internet so. have a drawing a friend did of me

this is getting pretty long so.. thats the end

[ooc: ok all this stuff after the cut is ooc ]

[hey, my name's lexie ! @midnightclover is my main, and i hope you like my blog! i cant say itll be the most active tho lol, im p inconsistent]

[oh yea, the art of rune aint done by me btw, it was actually done by a friend of mine, but he doesnt have a tumblr or anything. i drew all the other art i post tho !]

[anyway i hope u like this (mostly) low energy ghosty gal :3 (and dont mind thats shes like sliiightly a self insert. only slightly tho !!!)]

[the-gayest-tree-you-ever-did-see]

it’s been like forever since i’ve been to india and now all my cousins have children. yikes, i might have to invest in that rope hairband thing lol or maybe those child harnesses.

ahh you’re so right! like there’s so many family secrets that i didn’t know of until my grandma spilled the tea lmao.

ooh I’ve heard of aru shah, it was like published by rick riordan! I haven’t read it, but it seems super cool. the artwork for the books is so pretty though 🥺

i don’t think I’ve read the actual text but I’ve heard the stories growing up. i really want to read it on my own so i can get my own perspective on things.

i can’t believe you’re telugu and haven’t heard of dhee!! it’s a dance show and it’s been like running for 13 years?? i used to love it as kid, but the jokes are repetitive and kind of homophobic so yeah...

but dancee sounds cool and kind of similar to dhee lol

same!! i remember as a kid I always wanted a pen pal. handwritten letters make me soft cause like you took time of your day :)to write :) to me:))

also i can’t believe you like shadowhunters too. like stop, you’re stealing my identity. i do respectfully disagree malec in the books is so much better (even though i didn’t rlly watch the show, i just have a lot of opinions lmao)

completely unrelated, i am fully surprised that you’re 5’2 you give off tall person energy and i can say that cause i’m 5’8

mwah mwah (sorry this is so long and ily for putting up with my shit)

indi <3

actually. the summer we were planning to go was when the pandemic hit, and we cant go this summer either, so its been over three years (which i know isnt a lot compared to others, but due to covid and other things, there've been a lot of deaths in the family and i wont be able to go to their funerals and i need to stop talking about this or itll make me sad) and a lot of my friends got married 😔 some of them im okay with, but i have a few friends who are young and their husbands are iffy, and one friend im terrified for bc she just graduated seventh class and her dad married her off to a 40 year old and he does not seem like a good person, but i wasnt there to help and phone calls can only do so much. okay this is way too dark way too fast

lmao forget the grandmas, weddings are when the uncles open their mouths and spill every little secret their wives told them, i could make ten tv shows after spending half an hour with one uncle 😭

mhm, its by Roshani Chokshi but it was written under Rick Riordan Presents instead of her usual label, and you are soo right!! the covers are stunning, especially the one for the fourth book? could cry from the beauty (but maybe its bc John Rocco's interpretations of Rick's characters were ugly as fuck) (sorry John, your art style is cool but literally everyone hates how you drew nico)

no exactly, i do remember reading it but not any part of the stories that i havent heard from other people, so i want to read it on my own someday

i think i have vague memories of dhee, but i only recently started watching telugu shows lol. i watched this one called Nagini for a little while and that was cool but i lost interest when i came back to the us bc it was just too hard to find it. dancee+ is a bit homophobic, but there was one group who did vacking and one of the judges went on to explain the lgbtq+ origin of it and another judge joined in and no one was outright hostile about it, bare minimum i know, but it made me very happy

i knowww, i used to write letters to the universe when i was younger, mostly like "did you think i wouldnt notice. i just learned that word and now its everywhere. shut the fuck up universe." and did that up until seventh grade actually. you know, that was kind of cathartic, maybe i should start doing that again. listen here you little shit-

we literally... are the same person. i am having... a crisis

and idk i kind of swing back and forth between which one is better, but i usually say the show version is better bc alec never had that whole thing of trying to take away magnus' immortality after finding out how many people he'd been with like sir 😭✋🏽 he literally has been around since "the Dead Sea was a little pool of water feeling a bit poorly" (love that line). but also in the books theres a lot more development bc of that, plus we get to see their kids (max 🥺 and rafael that little bastard 🥺 aw remember when max said bapak for the first time 😭) and their wedding (idk if their wedding was in the show) so again, its back and forth. i havent actually seen the show either, so im probably not a valid person to have an opinion on this.

tall person energy just reminds me of finn and that whole "i know you" fiasco 😭 idk if you were there for that, i'll look back and see if i can link them in the next letter/ask/whatever this is *resists making a "what are we" joke*

you're 5'8??? *resists "hows the weather up there" joke* im trying my best to grow but im stuck i dont think ill be getting much taller than this 😔 im too old

mwah mwah mwah (three kisses bc i love talking to you and its not putting up with your shit, its a fun conversation and i wouldnt dream of doing anything else right now)

i love you indi <3

[revol-lover]

i know i have become a shit post queen but this site is a good place to just dump thoughts when i’m too lazy to actually write them down so don’t mind me. also i’m “ok enough”. like i’m not ok-ok but i’m not like badly not ok. 

ok? anyway.

so idk what it is. being raised by emotionally distant parents esp my mom or the depression thats probably also related to that but man i just feel so empty for such long periods of time. empty, or maybe detached is a better word. and just really really restless. and also that when i have good emotions, i dont feel them all that much. idk. sometimes i feel like i’m on the outside looking in on my life. i have a lot of feelings but then at the same time i dont. maybe because i repress a lot then it all builds up and explodes. idk. its awful though. 

i also feel like i have two very distinct sides to me. half of me is like fuck this shit i just want to self destruct but i wont because i’m too responsible to do that and the other half is like wow life is so interesting i am a spirit not a body and i want to be an enlightened being. neither of those sides of me is less me than the other. neither is a farce or anything but its fucking hard for those two sides of me to coexist. the only middle ground, which is probably like 1/3 of the time how i feel, is blah. neutral to absolutely everything.

and i think ive talked about this before but before the whole corona/quarantine thing i was at this extreme level of DONE with feeling isolated in my life, esp as a sahm. done with falling into the trap of believing being a mom was my whole identity (and its definitely a part of it, of course. but i think its unhealthy for moms to think its all we are) like i totally lost myself for a while. my daughters birth being traumatic and her having potential life long complications (and ‘potential’ meaning, her diagnosis is so complicated. theres never going to be a time where we get a real “all clear”. some kids have developed seizures again way down the road, especially at certain ages where kids go through a lot of development.) and then ofc just raising a child with all of that going on, plus normal toddler craziness, plus having a kid who is super hyper and smart and amazing but parenting after having a difficult relationship with your own mother is one of those things that is really hard and not talked about enough. i never feel like im doing enough. i never feel like she likes me.i know thats so stupid but i really am that insecure about my parenting, no matter how hard i try. i just want my child to love me and sometimes toddlers do things that make you feel like crap (ex ‘i dont want u mom i want daddy!’ and i can rationalize it, dad’s the exclusive parent. i’m just here all the time like the furniture. i get it.) and its just a big complicated thing with my emotions. not what i was trying to say tho i got off track.

anyway the isolation thing. so i had a plan. a plan!!! i have this one awesome long time friend, honestly my only friend outside of my husband who knows me like the good bad and ugly, has known me for a very long time, and has been there for me through some really tough shit. he’s like the brother i never had, truly. (i have a biological brother but we dont really talk.) so i talked to him about things i was going through and he’s also been going through a challenging time in his life and he told me he’d help me get out there. we were going to force me to learn to socialize and make friends in “real life” by putting me in those situations. we were going to go to some poetry club. a show downtown. like i was ready. then corona happened. and my already crawling out of my skin isolation got worse because hey we cant do anything now, not even see my one friend. 

so yeah. i was fine in the beginning of all this because i figured, hey by may itll be over! then hey by june! then maybe 4th of july. which has become, my daughter is so excited about her birthday party in august and i dont even know if i can throw her one and i dont know how to deal with this or explain it to her.

i know this is major first world problems and im all over the place and i document this dumb shit because i hope one day i’ll be so far past it and be able to look back and think well wow i made it through 2020  but yeah idk

i think part of it is i’m turning 27 in two weeks and my saturn return thing is just getting so close and i’m starting to see the beginning of shit in my life crumbling underneath me. like i know what i gotta do. i  have to put myself out there. i have to get out of my safety zone. and i have to use my gifts to help others not just sit here drowning in my self pity but obviously its hard to challenge yourself and put yourself out there, literally, during a pandemic. 

and the last point which is just something that boggles my mind about myself that i dont understand. like i’m definitely depressed. i have very bad anxiety too. and even though i can be extremely self pitying and go into like a black hole of sadness, i still dont let myself do bad things. which is good, obviously. but its iike i’ve been recovered from self injury for probably about ten years but some days i am so deep in my shitty feelings or empty feelings that i just want to do it again but i cant. theres something in me that wont let me. and i guess im glad for that, obviously. i guess my life/universe/guardian angel is trying to force me to face shit for real and not just have shitty coping mechanisms but idk. like it was a bad outlet but idk. sometimes, just sometimes, i feel like it did more for me than just writing things out. which is bullshit because it did nothing for me except give me a bunch little permanent reminders of shitty times. but idk. that’s my brain for you. sometimes i want to just let it all go and be a mess in my feelings and not care if i’m ok but then my brain is like nope bitch you cant do that. youre not 17 anymore, get up.

and i know some people would read this (well no - no one would read all this lmao but in a theoretical sense) and think like, oh did you try therapy or oh maybe try meds and the thing is 

therapy - i tried it. i liked the idea of it. bad fit with the therapist tho. didnt like being kicked out after 45 min (which i understand but bitch i need more than that to explain one problem) and it felt weird to be told by her, that she felt like i had a good handle on things. cause i dont really feel that way and i feel like she didnt have much to tell me  in terms of how to idk fix myself besides journaling, which i’ll give her. it helps

meds: i i dont really want to go that route yet because my body is really sensitive to medication. like i dont even take bc or anything like that. however i think ive decided that since its super legal and obtainable i might try pot once we are able to move into our own place. so if anyone did actually read this far and have experience with that (esp w anxiety) please enlighten me. i had some samples of some cbd stuff and it was amazing for my anxiety but it’s way too expensive for me to use consistently.

this has been a very long shit post but i feel better so theres that.

[harryandmeghan0-blog]

Meghan Markle to have TWO baby showers - guestlist revealed - HELLO! Magazine

New Post has been published on https://harryandmeghan.xyz/meghan-markle-to-have-two-baby-showers-guestlist-revealed-hello-magazine/

Meghan Markle to have TWO baby showers - guestlist revealed - HELLO! Magazine

The royal is expecting her first child with Prince Harry

Last modified on 2019-02-19T14:15:33+00:00Sharnaz Shahid Meghan Markle is spending a few days with her close friends in New York. The former actress is expected to have her baby shower on Tuesday with 15 guests, here at HELLO! we take a look at all the potential friends who are believed to be on the guest list…

With her due date looming, the Duchess of Sussex is making the most of her free time by jetting off to New York to see her close friends. The 37-year-old royal, who is expecting her first child with Prince Harry, is set to have her baby shower on Tuesday, thrown by her best friend Jessica Mulroney. However, for those based in the UK, the mum-to-be will have another one when she returns home after her official trip to Morocco, revealed royal correspondent Omid Scobie.

He also told Good Morning America: “Today’s baby shower is a reunion of sorts for Meghan. [Guests] include best pal Jessica Mulroney, actress and close pal Abigail Spencer has flown in and Priyanka Chopra is supposed to be flying in especially for this from London Fashion Week.” He added: “It’ll be a celebration with her closest friends.” For the first party, a total of 15 of her closest confidantes are thought to be attending the lavish shower which will be held at an exclusive Upper East Side hotel. Here at HELLO!, we take a look at all the potential invitees.

Jessica Mulroney

Meghan’s dear friend is the daughter-in-law of former Canadian Prime Minister Brian Mulroney and a well-known Toronto personality and philanthropist. The pair first met years ago when the former actress moved to Canada to start filming her hit legal series Suits. Jessica has reportedly been Meghan’s stylist since 2014, and the duo have since collaborated on many of the royal’s most chic and sophisticated ensembles. The Canadian stylist was also Meghan’s ‘unofficial’ Maid of Honour at her wedding to Prince Harry in May. Her children – twin sons Brian and John and daughter Ivy – were pageboys and bridesmaid at the royal wedding.

Jessica Mulroney is believed to be throwing the baby shower

It is also thought that her friend has taken on the role of overlooking some of the Duchess’ maternity looks during official engagements, and from her tour in Australia. Jessica regularly gives Meghan a helping hand with her looks, most notably including the memorable Nonie pink trench coat that the royal wore while visiting the Southbank Centre last year.

READ: The royal family’s most romantic gestures

Doria Ragland

There’s no denying that Meghan has a very close relationship with her mother Doria. The Los Angeles-based yoga instructor has lived in California for years, where Meghan was born. She works as a yoga instructor and social worker and occasionally jets to London to see her daughter. As Meghan prepares to give birth in the spring, fans can expect to see more of Doria. The former Suits actress will no doubt want her mum on hand to help with her first child.

The royal has a super close bond with her mother Doria

Meghan previously named her mum as one of the ten people who has greatly impacted her life. In a Glamour magazine article published on 15 August 2017, the former TV star opened up about her mum saying: “My mum’s a yoga instructor, but she does social work, as well, and she works specifically with the geriatric community. For me to watch this level of life-long sensitivity to nurturing and caregiving, but at the same time my mum has always been a free spirit. She’s got dread locks and a nose ring.”

MORE: 6 fun activities Prince Harry and Meghan Markle’s children can do in Windsor

Priyanka Chopra

Priyanka and Meghan met in 2015 at a party, and it seems like the two have been close ever since. The Bollywood actress has previously spoken about their friendship, telling People: “I think friendships depend on people individually and how personal your relationship is. You can have work friendships, those are different. But when you have real friendships, like ours, it doesn’t matter what people look at you as or where your world goes, you sort of just, stay friends. And I think that’s what we’re like.” Speaking about first meeting the Duchess of Sussex, she continued: “We just became friends, like two girls would. I’ve always thought she was a super stylish girl. She’s someone that I’ve always looked up to for her style. Always, before she got married. And I just think she’s so well turned out always and she’s so chic in what she wears.”

Loading the player…

MORE: A look back at all the iconic royal wedding kisses through the years

Benita Litt

The Duchess is godmother to her friends Benita and Darren Litt’s two daughters, Rylan and Remi, who were also bridesmaids at the royal wedding, so she would be an obvious choice of guest. The royal even celebrated Christmas with Benita’s family back in 2016 – the year before she celebrated with the Queen. At the time, Meghan took to Instagram to share a group family snap from the festivities, in which she captioned: “Fairy goddaughters.”

Serena Williams

Serena Williams and Meghan go way back

The pair first became close in February 2014 when they played a game of flag football together at DIRECTV’s Celebrity Beach Bowl. Speaking about their friendship, Meghan once said: “We’re both the same age, have a penchant for hot sauces and adore fashion, but what connects us more than those things is perhaps our belief in exceeding expectations – our endless ambition.” The tennis champ was one of the lucky guests who attended the royal wedding with her husband, Reddit co-founder Alexis Ohanian.

Amal Clooney

Amal and George Clooney at the royal wedding in May

Amal Clooney turned heads she attended the royal wedding with husband George Clooney. The pair have been friends for a while. According to a source, the human rights lawyer helped Meghan adjust to her new life in the UK. “Meghan and Amal have known each other for a while [and share] many interests,” an insider said. “Amal has been helping Meghan settle into London life. It was a very natural friendship from day one.”

READ: We’ve just been given a big clue about Meghan Markle’s due date

Oprah Winfrey

She was one of the many guests who attended the royal wedding in May. The presenter also invited the Duchess of Sussex’s mother Doria to her home just weeks before the big day. Speaking to Entertainment Tonight in June, Oprah revealed: “The story was that Meghan’s mum had come to my house and she left laden with gifts. You know what the gifts were? First of all, she’s great at yoga, so I said, ‘Bring your yoga mat and your sneaks in case we just want to do yoga on the lawn.’ So one of the bags was a yoga mat and the other was lunch.”

Misha Nonoo

Misha was once rumoured to have introduced Meghan to Prince Harry

Misha is a close friend of Meghan’s, and has previously been rumoured to be the matchmaker who introduced her to Prince Harry in 2016. The designer was once married to Alexander Gilkes, a New York based businessman and Eton College alum. Not only did Alexander attend school with Harry and his older brother Prince William; he is now in a relationship with tennis star Maria Sharapova. Elsewhere, the Duchess has also shown her support to Misha by wearing her designs on several occasions.

Abigail Spencer

Abigail Spencer with Priyanka at the royal wedding

The two stars became firm friends after starring in Suits together. In March, Abigail opened up about her friendship with Meghan, calling her “one of the loveliest human beings on the planet”. She told People: “Meghan Markle is one of the loveliest human beings on the planet, in the world. I’m just so excited that the world will get to experience her loveliness, and I really think that with her platform for charity and her fortitude – she’s going to have a great moment to change the world. If anyone can do it, it can be her.”

MORE: American princesses – Meghan Markle, Grace Kelly and more Stateside women who married royalty

Markus Anderson

Markus Anderson with Meghan at the Invictus Games in Toronto

Meghan is close friends with Soho House consultant Markus Anderson, and is said to have enjoyed dates with Prince Harry at the private members’ club in the early days of their relationship. When Harry and Meghan first made their public debut at the Invictus Games in Toronto in 2017, Markus accompanied his friend at the opening night of the tournament.

MORE: The best royal family curtsies from Kate Middleton to Meghan Markle

Daniel Martin

He was the makeup artist responsible for creating Meghan’s royal wedding makeup in May 2018. The pair have remained close, with Daniel even making a special trip to London at the start of the year. He was invited to her home in Kensington Palace, where the royal whipped up everyone’s favourite brunch order – avocado on toast. The MUA has previously opened up about how the morning of the royal wedding went, telling Good Morning America: “We had breakfast. Guy, her dog, was with us. We were playing around with him. It was a very chill morning. Her mum [Doria Ragland] was there, which was amazing.”

Make sure you never miss a ROYAL story! Sign up to our newsletter to get all of our celebrity, royal and lifestyle news delivered directly to your inbox.

More on:

Source: https://www.hellomagazine.com/healthandbeauty/mother-and-baby/2019021969934/meghan-markle-baby-shower-invited-guests/

[sinsfox]

Care to tell us about Ban's depression and all?

yoko you just had to ask this since i mentioned it to you huh

OF COURSE I CAN TALK ABT IT

this is gonna get long, so ima put it under the cut but theres going to be content warning galore, but itll be tagged

im really not going to beat around the bush here. 

i headcanon ban to have depression, but at this point, it seems to me to be implied that he does. would it be professionally diagnosed? fuck no. ban gives less than a shit about himself, i dont think he would be obligated to figure out why he feels hollow or dulled. why life is a bore, and he only ever feels alive in a fight or when hes ‘killed’.

to him its a feeling he can easily shrug off and ignore and he easily puts up a front of being the easy going, out there kind of guy that he is. eccentric and melodious in his tone, fight enthusiastic and seemingly taking his interest in whatever seems convenient at the time. stealing what he wants, even if its the clothes off someones back. drinking ale and laughing it up like no tomorrow until he passes out.

but at the end of the day, hes lonely. hes tired. despite the things that are fun that he does have fun with, its still hard to completely forget the void that he feels and how much duller things seem nowadays ever since the incident in the fairy kings forest.

it only got worse since that day.

his childhood was the start of it all.

his parents neglected him and his sister. his little sister died from starvation at four years old. that was the first time ban felt alone. his parents cared nothing for them. ban was used to try and obtain food for his mother and father, while not being allowed to eat himself. his father would beat him if he did eat. his father would beat him if ban even slept. it wasnt a good environment. ban ran away from home often.

then ban was caught stealing and was sent to prison and that was where he met zhivago and they escaped together. and ban took to secretly meeting zhivago whenever he could and was given food by him to eat. zhivago helped him survive. zhivago taught ban all he needed to know about thieving and even saved his life from starvation and from being kidnapped and almost being sold to a noblewoman who tortured and killed children.

zhivago adopted ban. he referred to ban as his son in a conversation with ban himself. telling him how he had one son named therion who was nothing like ban, a shy kid. and how he had another son named ban who was a troublemaker with a bad mouth.

hearing that made ban happy. and he felt like he had family again.

then one day when they were to do a heist together, ban got impatient and went on his own. and got caught by the guards and was beaten by them. and zhivago was handed two choices: save ban or save therion. ultimately zhivago made his choice and abandoned ban ( he was crying when he made his choice ) for the sake of saving his own son, which he was too late in doing.

that was the second time ban felt alone in the world.

years pass, ban is a bandit now. he goes after the fountain of youth after hearing talk of it in a bar. he enters the fairy kings forest. he persists in getting to the fountain. thats when he meets elaine. and in seven days he grew close to her and helped her battle her seven hundred years of loneliness. and he fell in love with her and was going to bring her brother back to the forest, and make him take her place so ban could take her away.

but then a demon attacked. and elaine, who ban wanted to save with the fountain of youth, fed the water to ban which made him immortal. and he kills the demon, but elaine dies before he can even begin to help her.

that is the third time ban felt alone in the world.

and he was heart broken.

its at this point in time that ban believe he cannot be close to anyone, for they are going to leave him. by dying or by abandoning him. he refuses to fight when he is arrested and accused of a false crime but what can he do. he has no proof against their claim, and they cannot do anything to an immortal being. so he takes the brunt of it all and allows himself to be executed over and over again in his time captured.

its at this point that ban wishes he could die. because he doesnt want to live. not when he had nothing to consider a family from his little sister dying so young, his parents neglecting and abusing him. zhivago was his ideal father, he never held a grudge against the man for abandoning him but it still left a hefty hole for ban to carry. and elaine was killed before him and she used the last of her strength to save him instead of herself.

he was powerless to stop any of this from happening. despite that he was only a child, that he was just a human.

meeting meliodas was another of the happier moments in his life. when the man busted him out of prison, literally punching him through the wall, ban knew immediately that meliodas was someone he did not want to lose. there was an interest gained in this man. ban didnt want meliodas to disappear on him. he didnt want him to leave like the rest.

of course history happens, ban gets imprisoned by the weird fangs when he hears that meliodas had passed ( a lie ). and he endures torture yet again to ease the emptiness that wracks his being. bans stated before that dying is just another part of life for him. a daily occurrence. hes mentioned before that hes felt like dying. that its been a long time since he felt like dying.

it doesnt change the fact that hes felt that way.

there are points in time where ban berates himself. degrades himself. hes called himself a bad person. hes referred to himself as a useless piece of shit. that hes powerless. that hes an awful friend. all in regards to being unable to protect those he loves and cares about.

ban cares little about his own well being. its why he fights as reckless as he does, aside from his immortality. ban does not care about himself. theres nothing he likes about him. theres… nothing. he feels nothing for himself. he doesnt even consider himself human anymore unless hes referred to as one.

one wouldnt even think ban feels or thinks this way considering the way he is, as i said before. its easy to think ban is someone who doesnt feel that way but really its been eating at him for over the entirety of his life. ever since his childhood. ever since elaine died. 

and he has terrible ways of coping with it all.

ban drinks himself silly. he lets himself get brutally murdered just come back to life and have it done again when he fights. he seeks out getting arrested to endure torture to feel something than nothing. because hes so tired of feeling nothing.

but in the end, no one except meliodas and elaine ( and king ) are capable of telling really telling bans actual emotions and the way he feels. because around them he drops the face of the fox sin everyone knows. because hes tired. hes empty. he can fake a smile and really well at that. he can put on the face of excitement, the outgoing personality and passion he can exude when needed. but at the end of the day, those feelings and thoughts are still there.

ban has, since gaining immortality, fantasized about death. idealized it. wished he could die. because being immortal is boring. living and dying near constantly runs dry after a time and to think that dying is a daily part of life now is cruel to him when he wakes up like nothing happened.

it was worse when the rumor meliodas had died got around, after hed finally learned to be happy again after the loss of elaine.

when he learned meliodas was indeed alive, and was busted out of baste dungeon to reunite with meliodas, he was happy again.

when the ten commandments and demon clan were released from their seal, and melascula using her magic with the venegeful soul revival, elaine was resurrected and ban was able to reunite with her too, after quelling her anger and hate towards those who had spent their time around ban when she could note and melascula still being kept alive kept elaine alive.

ban was made all the more happier then, too.

but elaine can read bans heart like fairies can. meliodas can read ban like a book because theyre best friends and meliodas understands ban just as ban understands him. and hes able to be open with them, more so than anyone else.

they are the only two he can really be truthful with in regards to his emotions because they are the only two that he trusts enough to let his guard down around and let them see the side that he hides from everyone else.

because he doesnt need more people worrying or whatever in his mind. he doesnt need peoples concerns when hes fine by technicality because hes immortal and nothing will ever come of anything even if he tried to do something. his sense of self-worth is abyssal, he cares so little about himself. hed rather everyone around him be okay and happy than have people worrying over him because its something hes felt for a long time, a very long time. something hes dealt with all on his own ( until elaine and meliodas came into his life ) and hed rather not include anymore people in it.

ban has gotten the short and shit end of the stick too many times to count. hes lost people. hes been unable to save people. he feels powerless in situations he cant do anything to change or fix. he berates himself over these things.

and he tries to keep others out of it because its not something they should deal with, its his own problem. but its hard to deal with it when he doesnt want to. he wants it to go away, he wants to stop feeling and thinking it. but its hard when its constant and he cant do anything about it. aside from drown himself in ale and liquor. and fight so recklessly and with abandon because hell be fine, hell come out unscathed and it gives him something to better focus his energy on than the hollow dull ache in his chest.

thats about the long and short of it

[summerinsacramento-blog1]

Seeing the forest when you’re stuck in the trees

One week later, I feel rationally better. My heart hasn’t caught on, but I don’t feel the deep sting I felt before. Now, it’s a numb little tingling that I can ignore. Every day, it’ll sting less and less, but its probably gonna be a point of sadness I hold for years when I remember what 22 felt like. And that’s fine. I have years to heal and move on. I turn 23 in 27 days. That can be the night I officially start a new chapter. One without my last love, but a year where hopefully I feel self-love that I never felt before.

With that said, I am writing this while listening to The Weeknd’s new album about how hes heartbroken for the umpteenth time, so we’ll see how this goes. My friend said I should actually listen to this now, as its what I need. Ricky if youre reading this and I hate myself after this, it’s on you.

This is the story of a young boy who is processing heartbreak in a new city, new career, and a new frame of mind. This is the story of what I have learned in the last week, when my life was pulled out from under me in what I believe will be the best possible way. It sucks now, but I’ve learned something, tangentially related to the relationship.

The title

In order to understand this, I want to start by letting you see who I am. I graduated from college in 2017. It hasn’t even been a year since I stopped living my life in terms of “you have 3 months to prove yourself, go.” Until today, I never realized just how much that had affected the way of life I was living.

My mentor today totally slapped the shit out of me with this one: “Stop thinking in the now. Do what will make you happy 10 years from now. Everything is else is just experience. Not everything has to work.”

That man met me 4 hours ago as I type this, and he’s managed to being me back from a stage of confusion to clarity.

He then hit me with this one: youre not playing with the same rules anymore as when you were in college.  You’ve been living on 3 month blocks of time. You need to learn to work towards a deep future, which you do not have the vision for now.

It hit me immediately that he’s right. For the 5 years since I left home, I have essentially lived my life in such a microscopic scale that I never learned how to see past the tree I was currently on. I lived life climbing a tree, seeing what was coming, and walking to that… but that means that I followed a track. I went from class to class, job to job, woman to woman, hoping to get what I wanted, but the thing is

You can only see trees that are in your field of vision that way, and this is incredibly slow.

Also,

this assumes you want to stay in the forest.

I’ve been thinking about this all day, because I need to learn how to think that way and get off the trees and start walking. I need to go to town and make friends that will last years here. I know I have the same feelings in Phoenix (more on that down the road), but I can’t leave myself with no options in Sacramento. I don’t even mean romantically here. What if I still don’t know what I want? What if I make a Friend in Sacramento with a haircut business and he trains me to be his recruiter? What if I meet a young couple in Sacramento, and they pass me all of their furniture because they’re leaving the city to start a new life? What if I meet a kid in Sacramento who needs a mentor and I commit to making his life better? What if I meet a woman in Roseville who runs a night club and she wants to pay me to be a stripper?  What if I what if I what if I what if I get out of the house and find out.

Both he and my trainer have pointed out to me that I cannot rely on my job to bring me happiness, I have to make it on my own, and I have every intention to. I will be leaving my apartment in 3 weeks and moving to the city. Density is the greatest asset of a city; the only finite resource you have is time. So Im starting a journey of self discovery. I’m joining the sister chapter to the club I loved the most while at Arizona State. I joined a volleyball league. I’m going to every work social from here out for young people – I refuse to wallow in the sadness anymore. I already told the girl I loved all the good and the bad. Everything from here on out is overkill. I won’t be sad, as itll sully the memories of the times we weren’t. Don’t be fooled, I am hurt, but I am taking it as a good hurt instead of sinking to the dark place I was in 2016.

 Speaking of 2016: The Dark Descent of Drunk Depressed Jairo

(For the sake of the other people in this story, I am changing names. If you are my friend and know, cool, but I don’t want to breach their privacy as I share mine)

This story actually starts in 2015, and I sat on it for a long time. It was during an event I ran. Three powerful figures that still mar my self-conscious were there. Girl 1 was texting me throughout the day. Girl 2 and 3 were there. I don’t want to drop too many details, but I remember thinking “Girl 3 is super nice, but I shouldn’t hit on her because she won’t appreciate it.” I had been trying to get at Girl 2 for weeks. Girl 1 was dumb as all hell for being interested in me and getting me first down the line.

I dated Girl 1 for a year. The second half of that year was the most miserable point of my existence. I remember I asked my friends if I should leave at month 5. They said I needed to give her time, and I suffered for 6 more. All this time, I kept having constant desires to leave her for Girl 2 (I NEVER acted on these. It was more of a “why does this girl treat me better than the one who claims to love me?), and she was jealous of Girl 2. I can’t blame her. My 21st bday was during that time, and after ending things I started being a degenerate in plain view of everyone. I am not proud.

But it was okay, I was on a high tree and I knew the kind of tree that I would climb. Drunk me wanted to climb, and there are entire weeks of my life where I drank every day.

Give it like 2 months, and I was starting to talk to this girl, I’ll call her girl 4. I thought that was the tree I would climb next – and boy did I try. We even agreed to go on a date. It never happened though, because in the days in between, I definitely linked up with Girl 2, sort of fast. Just as fast things ended.

Anyway I managed to fall from two trees in like 3 weeks, and I was going nuts for 6 months after. This is where the spiral took off. My grades took damage and I lost interest in most things, and I was so hurt that my search for my future was taking so long, and I kept getting hurt while trying. Why was this forest so thorny? I gained like 20 pounds in liquor weight, which I barely got rid of recently.

That is, until I linked up with Girl 3 once again in 2017 and this time by accident. We were together for what are the happiest days of my life so far. There will be better days, but I haven’t seen them yet. At least not so concentrated. Whatever it was though, I loved her for who she was for a year, and I want to believe she genuinely loved me back.  It did hurt, however, that I always told her the above story, and I would say that I finally picked the right girl. I was on the right tree.

As of last week we know that isn’t true. She cut off the tree under me, but she did it at the right time. And actually, it was on the 3rd anniversary of the day those three girls flowed together into my life.

I was sad because I was on the ground. Tired of climbing and thinking I finally climbed the tallest tree in the forest and found the best spot, only to tumble.

But there was another force at play that I never saw coming. Her name is Girl 0. There is no romance there, we are just good friends, or rather, were. Eight years ago – she was my best friend in 8th grade before we drifted apart. She came back into my life to make sure I was okay, and in the past 6 days we’ve rapidly realized that were good friends still. That gave me so much perspective. Time moves on for everyone, but my best friend from middle school and I collabed for another album ten years later, and with no resentment. She’s coming to my 23rd birthday and that’s exciting!

I also realized that I no longer have resentment for G1 ort G2 since almost 2 years have passed, and I won’t resent G3 at some point. Well, I don’t resent her the same, but one day I’ll either stop missing her, or will feel differently than now – I can freely admit she was the most special girl of my life, and she’ll be a tough act to follow. I kind of wish me moving 800 miles didn’t drive us apart, but I’m also glad it did because now I have to force myself to walk along this forest, no matter how scared I am. I will grow from this. G4 is engaged now, to the boy that she would link up with after me. I’m happy for her, genuinely.

  Regardless, that was the lesson I needed. I need to step down from the trees. Its time I start walking and stop looking for anything in particular short term. I can’t go through this forest one tree at a time. I need to pick a direction and walk it. That’s scary because I don’t know the future, but it was scary before, and I made little progress. Maybe this scary time is what I need. Maybe I need to just keep going and remember that the first 18 years didn’t count, the next 4 were a trial period, and the most recent 1 was me playing with the rules that no longer worked. I got X amount of years left, and I gotta make them count.

 On a similar note, I would like to thank every single person who came out in support of me. You guys are the best, and your friendships, some way old and some way young, have helped me remember that I am loved, and that I am never truly alone.

On another note: The Weeknd’s album was okay and did not make me feel sad. The man almost gave Selena Gomez a kidney though, so maybe he was in deeper love than I was.

On another nother note: If you take the height of the 8 girls I consider exes and plot it, it makes a sine wave with an average around 5’4”. If the pattern holds, the next girl I date has to be taller than me. We’ll see, but maybe I’ll start climbing again, just differently now.

[thedapperrabbit]

She-Ra Rewatch: season 3 and onwards through season 4, and boatloads of Introspection time!

So Ive been rewatching She-Ra with my partner, because sharing Entrapdak is caring. I could probably squee on about that for a century or more (because eeee, sharing things i love with people i love AND THEY EVEN PAY ATTENTION TO THE THINGS AND REMEMBER THEM!)...but ill spare you, kind internet strangers who for some reason find my thoughts mildly interesting enough to be reading this. This is going to be a lot. Like, a LOT. A lot especially from a stranger that youve probably only seen a notification from due to me sticking a heart on your content or for reblogging something lovely youve made in pictures or words. I dont think anything is going to be violently trigger-y because im not always great at judging that stuff and also ive yet to feel quite comfy enough to be  fully open-posting specifics about my own past trauma, other than a vague allusion to self-harm and distant-ish unspecified abuse aaaand the usual childhood garbage truck of assholes....but i suppose you could possibly draw some darker potential conclusions from the content im focused on. Also, my ADHD makes it incredibly hard to keep to a straight and non-branching narrative so...ramble-y bits and expressions of brain frustration ahoy. Either way...you are forewarned, just in case. Sorry in advance, this is going to be a small booklet by the time Im done explaining, and thinking, and then attempting to stick words to abstract feels which sometimes im great at, and then others i fucking suck at...but at least this is all written and not me trying to say this to any of your faces! Thats....a mercy all of its own. Haa...  Anyway, while rewatching with my partner, I realized just how much more painful parts of it are to sit through now...they were the first time, and each time since, but NOW having spent a while mulling over the series as a whole a bunch, and reading a lot of other peoples writings on here and finding myself largely in agreement with most Entrapdak fan’s assessment of things, I just....feel like all the air is ripped out of me during some moments, watching  with keener insight. And despite thinking i had myself reasonably well figured out by my age, its all also made me further consider a few things about myself as well. Particularly my notable internalized fury response to chunks of it which have been consistent through all my viewings of SPOP. With Hordak at least, its way easier to understand my reactions. For me at least. Maybe not so much for the people around me. And, shittier due to intensity and subject matter, but still easier in the long run because...the broken bits in me that he resonates with are fresher and sharper and still more recent, like within the last ten years, and thus more towards the front shelves in my head, compared to things that resonate with Entrapta, which are all old, lifelong dull aches at this point. I feel like nothing i can point to is fully sufficient to fully express my feels involving Hordak. But, maybe the best representative moment is with the crying i do every damn time I see his face looking up at Prime just after he glimmer and catra were beamed up...because ive seen that face in the mirror. I HAVE MADE THAT FACE. That same. Goddamn. Face. I may not have gotten a jab to the back of the neck directly from the person I made it at...but they often seemed to silently goad me to harm myself in an attempt to jolt my brain out of getting stuck in re-looping through what theyd just done/said to me. Likewise, much of his interactions with Entrapta are very...very weirdly familiar in feeling, but in a good way. Watching the stuff with Hordak hurts because fuck me if it isnt frequently like watching myself back in 2008ish to 2013, which was the duration of the worst parts of that particular circle of hell i parked my ass in. So...that makes sense. Hes so well written in those moments, it occasionally gave me PTSD flashbacks (still does a little, but now im prepared and braced for it and can shrug it back off....thanks, lifetime of therapy and years of studying abnormal psychology! Still totally not an expert, just very passionate...just, as a disclaimer).  Entrapta though...Entrapta is a different story. Mostly, I see Entrapta and in her free expressions of delight and joy and her bouncy enthusiasm I am reminded of a younger, less discouraged me in some ways, and in others, a “me” I could have been, but...well, extremely early-onset anxiety and depression made me insanely self-conscious super-super early on...not that i was great at hiding or...i guess the term people seem comfy with is “masking”? Which was a huge problem, or so it was in the 80s when far less was understood of such things. Id do so for a bit and then would forget to, in a way (because id forget long enough to go and trust again reflexively) and would get badly bullied and would squish everything down until id feel a crumb of safety again, and then almost instantly ADHD would pop that mask right the rest of the way off aaand it would start all over again. Ad nauseam until my teen years, where the depression sort of “fixed” that, and made it much easier to destroy my desire to share much of myself freely at all, save for with one or two people, and to a less deep extent a broader circle of nerd friends. Course, then i hit 30 and ran out of the majority of fucks I used to give. Or I became so damaged and salted with anger that parts of me dont grow any fucks anymore? Either way, plowshares to swords, WHEEEE!) And, maybe thats where this time while watching, I started to really think back to all that, and to how i see Entrapta treated by the other princesses, or really just in general except by Hordak...and why it burns my biscuits so badly. Every time I see someone roll their eyes at Entrapta’s beautiful unbridled enthusiasm or try to make it seem distasteful or at least weird and unwanted and uncomfortable for them but then dont even bother to try coming to terms with why they feel that way... or how they seem to feel free to grab and manhandle her without her consent, or the way they try to lessen her contributions because shes non-normative? Like its the fucking least she can do to make up for being weird in their space (...okay, that might just be the anger kicking in..but i dont feel like its an entirely innacurate assessment, is it?)  All of that...seeing it inflicted upon someone, It feels like someones punched me right in the damn sternum, but because its a hurt that im so desensitized to, it seems to have a much different effect than the sharp, violent crushing pain that i feel when I relate to Hordak a little too well for comfort. Again, i could go on, but its nothing more eloquent people on here havent already spoken volumes on. And my first gut reaction is always “I dont understand! why is that their reaction to her?! it doesnt seem logical at all, i dont seem to be able to parse it correctly, how is this acceptable? I HOPE SHE IMMOLATES YOU ALL.”. Which...I suppose isnt entirely usual for me (the silent wishing that people be immolated, I mean...i blame my past years of working in retail. And devouring too much Warhammer 40k contentl).  (oh gods...and this is going to be the most clusterfucky part cause i can feel my meds kicking in and thats gonna be hard to keep coherence on but i gotta get this all out of my head or ill forget it or get too scared of you fucking BRILLIANT insightful smart people on here and then ill continue to live scared and regretful that i never said..anything, and just sat here like “noticeme, entrapdak sempais!”  Ehhn...which is to say, if this is a garbage dump from here down, dont worry, when i wake up ill fix it...but hopefully itll at least make a tiny bit of sense ) But I realized something...something I hadnt ever rememberd much about due to the shitty neuronormative (apology if thats wrong term) behaviors continuing over years and years but in less and less directly aggressive ways as i grew older and was more prone to losing my shit in , (and likely because I got excessively lucky and managed through...uhhh...agonizing determination? Sheer stubbornness? Alleviatory rebalancing of universal karma? fuck if i know --to  curate a surprisingly supportive circle of other castoffs and misanthropes.) That was exactly how people used to treat me.  OKAY THISLL BE EDITED LATER to add in the rest of what i was gonna say...im...too full of Ambien sleep meds and damn write it anymore...and im aing trouble separating realigty and dream...an i k apawing at the kybord...not safe Lov yous for reading this far. Il fix it later, swears.

[chickenfetus]

HI!!! i like to request ALL of the flowery asks! btw i LOVE ur blog and maybe u????? idk 🌸🌸 (jk i love u alot)

who is this????????/ under cut bc i get rambly 

azalea: what’s one word that describes you?

lame lmao

baby’s breath: what did you want to be when you were a kid?

honestly? my answer’s like yours jen because i wanted to be an astronaut but also a vet and then a few years later i wanted to be something else of a whole different profession but now i know what reality is like and i have no clue what i wanna be whoops

begonia: are you a messy or clean person?

i hate seeing my desk/workspace be messy but i cant bring myself to clean it up either???? bc im lazy 

bleeding heart: has your heart ever been broken?

hMMMMm mmm idk i dont think so

bluebell: do you drink tea or coffee?

i drink tea more than i drink coffee but i drink water more than i drink tea i drink water like. everyday lmao obviously but i drink a lot of water its my brand now

buttercup: what are five things that make you apologetically happy?

what does this mean why is the word apologetically there i cancelled it lmao no negativity in this house

my favorite people (u know who + my friends)

when people answer my anon asks and . they respond with a long reply/seem really happy responding thats my fav fam

this is getting real anime but when i get an UR/4* from scouting 

finding an anime/manga/book that perfectly suits my taste

im very tempted to just say water bc idk what else 2 say 

calla: what’s your favorite book?

ive only read 3 whole books this year but i recommend all of them 

challenger deep - neal shusterman (i could go on about this book for days honestly its so interesting and even though its told by the same person it has two kind of perspectives because there are two settings, that didnt make sense but this book is my new favorite)

see you in the cosmos - jack cheng (i love this one too because its just so warm? made me a little emo but its really good and i love how unique it is, text type wise)

a monster calls - patrick ness (this was something i heard from my school first so i didnt know if i really wanted to get it but its actually pretty good?) 

carnation: what are your five most played songs?

i cant really check using the music app bc i added the songs at different timings so itll be inaccurate ill just do most played song from each band/group

again - astro (this is their best song dont @ me)

letting go - day6

all in/stuck - monsta x

death by a strawberry - dance gavin dance

check yes juliet - we the kings

chrysanthemum: what are you afraid of?

i may not b a child but im still afraid of the dark bc my imagination is wild im also afraid of bugs and disappointing others nice oh shit im also afraid of asking for things

daffodil: what’s your astrological sign?

capricorn 

dahlia: what’s your favorite band?

this question was made for me its day6

daisy: which ‘friends’ character do you relate to the most?

ive never watched friends 

dandelion: are you an extrovert or an introvert?

in between!!!!!

geranium: how has your day been?

its been good!!! i managed to ask my mum 2 take me to hair place so i can get it cut finally and im working on updating my tumblr pages and doing all my tags

hydrangea: what’s your dream job?

pass

iris: who’s your celebrity crush?

pass

lavender: what’s one of the best gifts you’ve ever received?

oH FUCK FAM my friends got me a kermit toy for my birthday i lvoe it 2 dEATH

lily: what’s something you’ve achieved that you’re really proud of?

i got first in my class once wow amazing that was 2 years ago i wish i was as good as the me from 2 years ago 

marigold: what would you like to do more of, but don’t ?

well i want 2 b more hardworking but guess thats too late

morning glory: are you an early bird or a night owl?

now that school is over and i have no reason to wake up early ive become neither which is saddening because... i like waking up at 7am on weekends and doing things early but now i wake up at like 9-10am and i still sleep at 11pm  

orchid: what’s the last movie you saw?

i really dont remember?? maybe uh guardians of the galaxy?? i dont remember who i watched it with and when but it was good actually i remember who i watched it with nvm 

pansy: do you believe in love at first sight?

i dont really believe in romantic love anymore 

peony: what does your url mean?

chicken fetus means an egg

periwinkle: what are you thankful for?

god get ready folks im gonna go on my biggest boxy rant ever...

so boxy is my friend who ive been mutuals for over a year and our first common interest is love live and haikyuu so we had that to talk about but im bad at keeping conversations with ppl on tumblr so that ended quickly but earlier this year or late last year i made a twitter and told people on here about it and she followed me and i didnt really mind/pay attention to the stuff she posted/rted uNTIL. until that fateful day... june 25th... at like 8pm? she rted a pic of mister brian kang with dumb minion glasses on and ok maybe i do believe in love at first sight? bc wow!!!!! whos this dumbass with minion glasses and the fluffiest hair ??? so i slide into boxy’s dm.. expecting an explanation and she gives me a good one saying how brians from a band (i would later find out), day6 and im not a fan of kpop, never have been.. ive only watched like some kpop mvs bc i love my friends so i expect myself to listen to them and get over them as soon as im done. boxy my friend, bless HER she sends me all of their mvs from congratulations to i smile and i watch the first one - i smile and me? i start smiling and i can feel myself getting excited because holy fuck theyre a band! they play fucking instruments??? and at this point im already whipped then i move onto how can i say and that shit blew my mind let me tell you.. so because of boxy... i get to where i am now, proudly stanning 3 groups and if it were not for her i wouldve never gotten into mx as well... boxy is just?? really important to me her impact is just that great?? so im super!! sUPER thankful for her and i dont think she’ll ever see this but boxy i love u thank u so much!! boxy gave me more than one reason to live, and not just exist?? without her i wouldve never been able to make so many (like 2 but hEY) new friends and this probably got so long idk im just really thankful for boxy thank u lord for blessing us with boxy (@/youngkwhom on twitter) (kittenma on tumblr) i hope shes happy forever and i also hope she has good days for the rest of her life?? boxy deserves it i lvoe u boxy

petunia: where were you ten years ago?

10 years ago i was like 6 probably watching pokemon or some shit and getting glasses

poinsettia: where would you like to be in ten years?

dead thanks

poppy: what’s your online persona?

i dont understad the meaning of persona but an egg?????? 

rose: who’s the last person you spent quality time with?

all my classmates in an exam hall for 2 hours, quality time indeed

snapdragon: what are your goals?

pass

sunflower: what’s your favorite quote?

i think i had one before but i forgot so maybe it wasnt my favourite lol idk i dont have one now

tulip: if you had three wishes, what would you wish for?

for all of my favourite people to be happy forever

a good future

i want astro, mx and day6 to get an award for all of their hardwork thanks

violet: what’s one thing most people don’t know about you?

i was gonna say smth negative but lets not hm m m i? ?? ill put smth irl ppl probably dont know either uh hhh i guess?? that i eat a lot?? but also get full really quickly but then really hungry right after that idk thanks digestion

zinnia: do you believe in magic?

no ????/ idk is there any evidence that magic exists 

JEN !!! thank u so much for asking even tho u probably asked just to get back at me but this was still fun ask memes will never get boring bro,. i love u and i hope u have a good evening also i love ur blog too moon anon probably already told u

to anyone who actually bothered reading through this mess - thank you and i hope you have a good day/night too!!

[blaperile]

Homestuck Epilogues - Meat - Page 12 (Epilogue 2 Page 4)

[very-cherry]

Hey. Hi. Big fan. I don't watch half of the shows that you reblog, but your enthusiasm is quality. Um.. this is super personal, so I totally understand if you don't answer, but how did you realise you were nb?

omg im so sorry you have sat through my tags for this long, buddy you deserve better lmao. but no this is super okay to talk about, and ya its personal but im alright with it bc sometimes its nice to talk about?? like its a lot easier to explain over here rather than to my family (rip) but yeah i can get into it. um, itll be under the cut tho bc its a long answer, so if my other followers (or people who may get triggered) dont wanna read like ya theres that

the short answer: i realised last year, bc of everything that piled up and me finally finding the time to sit down and Think About It.

(tl;dr: at the bottom if youre not here for the Super Long answer)

the long answer: gender had never come easily to me as a kid, like i understood that girls played with dolls and that boys played with trucks. but i also was raised in a family where girls could play with trucks too, as long as they still looked like girls. so from the get go i had a v “tomboyish” look about me, and how i presented myself. i found i was v comfy with the tomboy label growing up, bc it meant i could play with the boys but still be sensitive and emotional while the boys werent allowed to feel like that

my biggest stepping stone tbh was (is) my mother. now if youve followed me for a while you probably know that while my mother loves me, and i suppose i love her (still up in the air), our relationship is v v v v Tense. this is due mostly to the fact that she has this preconceived notion of what the world looks like, and how people should act and present themselves. for her, to have me as a child saying “i wanna dress like a boy” “i wanna be a boy” was no biggie bc i was Just A Kid and would grow up to flourish into a beautiful young woman. which, for the most part, i did. but that doesnt mean i enjoyed it. from the age i was allowed to dress myself, my mother and i would fight about my clothing choices (and i literally mean fight. she would refuse to take me somewhere if i didnt dress the way she wanted. would throw my own clothes at me or on the road outside our house etc) and she would dub my clothes “too casual” and tell me to “dress up” and “look a bit more girly, please?” which i now know is totally Gross and not v nice, but at the time i didnt know any better, i hadnt grown into myself. this, alongside many years of condemnation in regards to my interests and hobbies and things i just enjoyed and wanted to talk about, just Didnt Add Up to my mother. she loved having two pretty daughters, pretty daughters who could wear dresses and live out the life she couldnt bc she fell pregnant with my older sister at 19, and thus had to grow up v quickly (no blame on my sister tho, shes my favourite person in the world and shes trying v hard to understand me and loves me v much)

fast forward a couple years: i was 15 when i first developed my eating disorder. quite frankly, it was only upon realising that im nb as to how i figured out what my ed was Actually About. i didnt like my curves. i didnt like being “girly”. i did constant misguided ab workouts and ate three rice cakes for lunch, followed by nothing but a banana until dinner. my sleep patterns were hit and miss bc i would either write away the pain or stay up wondering what this Thing i was feeling was (spoiler: it was dysphoria). i tried super hard to love my curves, to own myself and how i looked, but it never felt Right. i never understood. i would see my psychologist and ramble about my ed and she would pinpoint it and say it was curves and i would always just say “but its not”. bc it wasnt Just Curves, it was the idea as a whole. and it was v confusing and scary, so much like my exploration into my sexuality, i just put it off.

it was combating my ed that helped me most, i think. it was getting over it, and forcing myself back into a natural sleep pattern (so i could actually do year 12 without wrecking myself). i didnt get over it until around april 2016, which was when i fell in love with the idea of self love, and decided to give it a go. i listened to my psychologist, and she was v patient with me, and was cautious with where i placed my blame (”yes its your mothers fault for making you react and feel this way, her words hurt you. but youre the one that decides what to do with that negativity”) and it was so so so helpful. she taught me that i was deserving of love, and positivity, and that loving youself is a process, and it doesnt always work the way you want it to, but you need to find what makes you happy and keep doing that. for me, that tied into my food, my talents, my friends, and my actions. im not going to sit here and claim that fitness is key to happiness, but its part of whats key to mine (to the point that i have been inspired to become a personal trainer and teach other people that being “healthy” isnt just about food and exercise). each person has their own individual things that keep them balanced, and if yours is painting your nails instead of doing sit ups fucking go for it - just make sure you find that thing, because it gives you clarity.

my clarity hit me in the beginning of year 12, when i Sat Down and really had a think. i thought back to how i wanted to look growing up, how i wanted to act, i remembered the day i first had a proper bra bought for me instead of a crop top and the way i cried for hours that night without knowing why. i remember not wearing shirts to bed and then suddenly feeling awful when i started having to. i remembered trying to wear boxer shorts and nothing else around the house and being yelled at. i remembered telling my dad i wanted to look how he did when he was 18, and yelling at him when he said “but dont you want to be pretty like your mum”. i remembered my sister cutting my hair in the dead of night in her bedroom, bc i didnt want to look the way i did. i remembered wearing all these oversized clothes to hide my chest. being uncomfortable when anyone (family or stranger) would say “lady”, “girl”, “miss”, “female”. shrinking into myself when someone pointed out my curves. looking in thw mirror and only smiling when my hands were covering and pushing my chest. looking at the scale and not seeing anything other than a number that meant i was stuck being curved. refusing to go swimming bc it meant having to wear a bikini instead of just board shorts. wanting to play on the mens basketball team, wearing mens clothes, being mad when i suddenly couldnt wear them anymore. overcompensating by wearing midriffs and muscle shirts and short shorts and lacy underwear to impress my boyfriend(s) bc i was their GIRLfriend and this is what I Needed To Do. wearing clothes around my first girlfriend that i was really comfortable in, and her telling me that im still nb even if i have to wear a bra for now, and that she wouldnt ever take my shirt off or act as if my chest ever existed if thats what would keep me comfortable, and me nearly crying bc of how validating and overwhelming it was.

it all hit me at once, and i was struck with the blatant honesty of what this had been all along. id ignored it and shoved it down bc i didnt want to upset my mother, disappoint her. i didnt want to be what she never wanted. but then i remembered that i am deserving of love, even if its only ever from myself. 

so i told my best friend, and she was so wonderful with it, and she asked what pronouns i wanted to use from now on, and she helped me ease into shopping for clothes. and i bought a binder, and it fits v well and i fucking love it. and i told my other friends, and all the ones who matter are v supportive and beautiful (one even offered to make me a suit). and i told my two favourite cousins, and my sister, and they make sure to text me that i should stretch when i wear my binder, or to take deep breaths in case i forget to and its v homey and nice and they want me to be happy. and i blurted it out to my mother and she fucking hates it, and shes threatened to “burn” my binder if she ever sees it, to “rip it off [my] body” if i ever wear it in front of her, that she wants “nothing to do with It” and that “its a fucked up idea” someone has “put into my head”. but you know what? thats okay, bc i Know who i am now. and sometimes things dont always go how you want, and sometimes the people who love you most cant love all of you, and i want you guys to know that if that ever happens, youre not obligated to love them back, okay? love yourself, love those who love All Of You.

tl;dr: years of dysphoria piled onto me when i had a hot ten minutes to fully think about it in between classes.

[topreview2016]

Erin Nielsen’s Toned In Ten Review – What are the Benefits?

Contrary to popular belief, gravity doesnt have to take its toll when you reach a certain age.

Just ask Erin Nielsen, the author of this program. She is 42(!) at the time of this writing and still looks like a teenager.

If her radiant glow doesnt convince you that she knows what shes talking about, Im sure the fact that shes a Physical Therapist, Pilates Instructor and Primal Blueprint Certified Expert will. Read on to learn her secret.

I know. There already arent enough hours in the day.

Which is what inspired Erin to create this solution that will just require 10 minutes per day to achieve the results you desire.

I get it, wasting money on expensive exercise equipment that ends up gathering dust isnt my idea of a good time, either.

One of the best things about this regimen is that you dont need to buy anything! Yes, you can look younger, get rid of cellulite, and shed belly fat without any equipment.

I get that that can be hard to believe, but that brings me to the next great point this program addresses.

Ignore conventional fitness and weight loss advice.

The Center for Disease Controls website says that we should be getting 5 hours of moderate intensity activity (like jogging, speed walking, yoga, Frisbee, ballroom dancing, mowing your lawn, shoveling snow, tennis, water aerobicsyou get the point).

However, Erin explains that this is why you may feel old and worn out even after rigorous exercise. Working out that much actually stresses your body, making you more susceptible to knee, leg or low back pain, put too much pressure on your joints and ligaments and may even make you age quicker.

Great news: you dont have to slave through hours of boring cardio any more.

Did you know that, even though it seems totally contradictory to what weve always been told, excessive cardio can actually cause you to gain weight? Not only that, but it can cause you to put way too much strain on your joints.

If youve ever had the misfortune of joint pain, you know how awful this can be. Like to the point where you wince every time you have to take a step. No thanks.

Are you sick of following all the advice youve gotten on how to be healthy to a tee and still not seeing the results you want?

So was Erin, which is what prompted her to create this regimen. She, too, felt like giving up until she hard about how sprinters always have lean muscles and toned skin.

This inspired her to research further and start applying her newfound knowledge to her 10-minute-a-day workouts. People started commenting on how great she looked, and mistaking her for much younger than she is.

These 10-minute-a-day workouts will boost your metabolism so you will burn fat after youre finished with the workout, and even when you go to bed.

Cardio doesnt create that kind of after burn effect. Erin mentions a study done in 2006for a regimen similar to this program (short burst workouts), where the entire after-burn of fat increased by 36% after only two weeks.

Not only that, but a separate study found that this after-burn can remain in effect up to 38 hours after the workout.

What makes workouts like this one so effective is the release of the Human Growth Hormone.

I will admit that before trying Toned in Ten, I was doing a similar regimen with a high-intensity belly dance workout every day.

Growing up, I followed the conventional advice and slogged away for hours on our basement treadmill, only to be frustrated by never losing fat in the areas I wanted to.

Its great now, though, because since starting this belly dance workout about 3 months ago, and now alternating that with this program, I have lost those annoying love handles, my butt is bounce-a-quarter-off-able, and I still have feminine curves.

I never thought it was possible to be fit and still have just the right amount of meat on my bones.

Another thing to keep in mind with this regimen: its important to watch what and how you eat.

I always laugh when I think about this because of something my dads fond of saying (quoting Jack LeLaine): If it tastes good, spit it out!

No, this program isnt that militant. But you will want to think of how you can best nourish your body when trying to decide what to eat.

Imagine how amazing itll feel when you strut around in that adorable dress youve always wanted, looking young enough to get carded again.

Yeah, buddy! Thats why this is such a great investment in yourself. And you can feel pity for other women you know, the cardioheads who gear up for another grueling battle with the exercise bikes.

Do them a favor and share your knowledge of how theres a smarter and much more effective way to exercise. They will be forever grateful.

Are you thinking This sounds great and all, but what am I gonna do? Try to work out with my tablet or phone on the table next to me? Awkward!

Not to worry, because Erin has included digital videos of the workouts described in the book. She is thorough and walks you through each step, like youve got the best of both worlds: the guidance of a personal training but in the comfort of your living room.

Thats a huge benefit if youre like me and hate having to go to the gym.

No offense if you enjoy it, but for me, just thinking about getting judge-y glares while trying to work out almost gives me a panic attack. Plus, I love being able to work out in my grodiest pajamas if I want with no witnesses (cmon, we all have a pair of shame pajamas.).

A word of advice for those of you with pets: I would probably put them in another room or area while working out. I have two cats and they dont take an interest in me during any part of the day except when Im exercising.

So just make sure they wont get underfoot while youre doing this now and save yourself the hassle of being distracted or worried that theyll keep trying to climb on you during your workout. Its important that you give this your full concentration so you can receive the utmost benefit from looking and feeling svelte and years younger.

Imagine what itll be like to visit the pool or the beach confidently wearing your cute swimsuit, not feeling self-conscious the whole time in your baggy t-shirt and husbands shorts.

That thought right there is what makes this program more than worth it. Let Erin show you how you can start melting off the pounds today with Toned in Ten!

For Instant Access To Toned In Ten, Click Here

var exitsplashmessage = 'Wait, Click The "Stay On This Page" Button Right Now If You Want To Get The Lowest Price!'; var exitsplashpage = 'http://www.topreviewo.com/get/toned-in-ten';

The post Erin Nielsen’s Toned In Ten Review – What are the Benefits? appeared first on TopReviewo.com.