#so i really do mean all people who get their period semi regularly and have to act like its all fine????

[chronically-jinx]

okay so basically people who get periods regularly are actually champions because I got mine for the first time in a year (transmasc) and like. you would've thought the world was ending the last two weeks.

and then

today

it was just like "oops you got your period" as if I didn't nearly burn everything in my life to the ground because i was unexplainable sick and angry

[blankfishxx]

Hello everyone,

I know that saying it’s been quite some time would be an understatement. It’s been years, and I have little to say except that sometimes when it rains, it pours. And pours.

As some might remember, I slowly started to fall ill a few years ago while still attempting to update semi-regularly. At that point, the periods between my updates had started to stretch out more and more. Suddenly, I started to lose loved ones in a way that trapped me in a cycle of grief that I would attempt to come out of by getting back to writing, only to be set back by losing someone else. At the time I would do my best to return and announce my comeback and regular updates, because I truly did believe that I would be able to. 

Then things took a sharp turn for the worse and I fell incredibly ill. It felt like overnight I went from trying my best to emerge from this cycle of grief and a full recovery, to my health falling off a cliff. I was nearly finished Entanglement, and gearing up to start writing another fic while simultaneously working on ACMI. Instead, my life became a revolving door of being in the hospital, recovering from surgery, or dealing with losing my ability to walk. 

All of this is to say I really and truly did mean — and still mean — every word I said when I continually reassured everyone that I wouldn’t be abandoning my fics. 

Being as ill as I have been took so much more from me than just my physical ability to write, but has been mentally draining in ways that are beyond words to express. Even doing something as simple as logging into my socials or checking my email became daunting and anxiety-inducing because of the weight of unanswered messages and facing the amount of disappointment in my inboxes felt too heavy to face. There’s a deep level of pain that’s difficult to describe when you can’t even engage in something that used to be an outlet of therapeutic release from the stress of everyday life and brought you so much joy. Soon enough, all I could manage to log in to was Discord, because it became a small sanctuary where I could still connect with readers on a much smaller level until I couldn’t manage even that for months upon months at a time. 

And on that front, I have so many apologies to give to everyone that sent me such lovely, supportive messages over the years. It was deeply unfair of me to be as silent as I was, and I know that many of the angry and confused messages I received were earned. Still, this message is as long as it has gotten because I want to be as honest and sincere as I can. After all this time, this message is definitely not enough. Regardless, I want you all to know that I remain firm on the statements I’ve said for years — my fics have not been, and will never be abandoned. 

I would love to say that I’m fully recovered and that I’m getting back to posting immediately, but unfortunately it isn’t the case. Sometimes people do get better over time, and sometimes they don’t. And other times, the light at the end of the tunnel is dim, but it is still there. I’d like to believe that I fall into this category. To those who are still reading this and are well, cherish your ability to walk, to talk, to move your arms and every other body part, to spend time with your loved ones, to be able to think clearly and optimistically about life because you have health. To those who struggle with their health, whether your struggles are indefinite or if you are in recovery like me, my heart goes out to you — I truly hope you are able to see past the pain and enjoy the things in life that bring you joy, no matter how small. 

I don’t have a broad answer on all of my fics and how updates moving forward will go because of how uncertain my health is, despite how much I would like to. I’d always envisioned my comeback message as being accompanied with an announcement that a new chapter has been posted. Instead, all I can say for now is that Entanglement is the only fic that I’ll be able to update in the near future, and everything else is on hold for now. I will eventually have a more detailed and fic-specific update post, but I can’t say when that will come either. 

And lastly, but most importantly — thank you to everyone who has been so kind. Readers who’ve left me lovely encouraging words, friends who’ve graciously welcomed me back with open arms and nothing but love after months or years of silence, to so many people that I can’t name everyone directly. Fandom is a safe haven for me, and you all are the biggest reason why.

With love,

Catherine

[friendly-neighborhood-kinnie]

The Last of Us and Periods.

⚠️tw: I talk about food intake and calories (no specific numbers) and I do go into slightly gruesome details at times so if the very thought of blood makes you squeamish I don't recommend reading this.

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I feel like we don't talk about periods in the apocalypse as realistically as we should.

Specifically The Last of Us cause that's the only show I've seen that's set in the apocalypse.

In the episode 3 we see Ellie find a box of tampons and get excited about it. Rightfully so as she's still getting her period at this time.

But it's not really mentioned again until episode 6 when Maria gave her the diva cup.

I don't know if I've seen a lot of people complain about periods not being mentioned again or not but I always think about this.

When your body isn't given enough of the proper nutrition and vitamins it needs your period can stop. It just won't happen because your hormone production will drop and that causes your period to stop.

And obviously in the show by the time they get to Jackson it's been three months and they more than likely aren't getting enough calories so Ellie probably stopped having her period.

When I first started taking birth control specific for my periods at fifteen and I took it until seven months after my sixteenth birthday because I had temporarily moved and didn't have a primary doctor to refill my prescription.

In the time of taking the birth control I got my period once or twice and it was very light (I still don't know how healthy that was but whatever)

The first time I got my period again after getting off birth control it was so heavy that I was constantly wearing the thickest night time pads at Walmart. It was also super painful like just curled in bed crying, pain meds barely helped painful my period is still semi like this and I'm eighteen now and not on any form of BC but that's more than likely just a my body thing.

So thinking about that and how once Joel and Ellie permanently move to Jackson and girl!dad joel is always living in my mind. I think Ellie would kinda freak out for the soul reason of 'that's so much blood is that normal??' And then Joel who absolutely did all the period research he could Before when Sarah was born explains it's probably because she's being regularly fed properly.

So Joel just helps by cleaning her bed sheet/comforter/blankets etc. And getting her whatever she needs. And just getting Maria when Ellie gets embarrassed because 'Men aren't usually this casual about periods' and she isn't used to it.

periods in the apocalypse when a character isn't eating properly will stop. Doesn't mean they shouldn't be talked about at all but still I thought about this a lot.

[dulcewrites]

Hey, we know from the show that Aemond’s mother is quite religious and since Aemond is very devoted to her and probably learnt a lot about the faith of the seven that most in the fandom seem to interpret as westerosy’s Christianity. How do you think (both for the modern and period au) has that impacted his idea of relationships and what one must do for the person one loves? Is that somehow reflected in his love language and the way he shows affection?

Well, like you said I view Aemond’s piety as an extension of his mother. Because of that, his views on religion would trickle down from her. The question would be: has Alicent’s views on religion changed in a different setting

In hotd, we see Alicent as pious for several reasons. 1. She is supposed the ‘uptight’ opposite of the targs (who the writers want you to root for). 2. She is from Oldtown, which used to hold the seat of the high septon of the faith. And 3. She uses it as a means of repentance (hence her renewing her faith post driftmark to rid herself of guilt). Would Alicent seek such comfort in religion if she was not in the extremely volatile environment she was put in?

Small tangent but it’s eye rolling when people (mainly team black) try to act as if Alicent is some religious zealot when she’s honestly just as religious as any other noble woman in her position. Nothing about what she does it out of the ordinary. She prays and changes some decor lmao

Now this translates to a modern Alicent that to me is your your average church goer. Depending on otto and her mother (who people theorize was the more religious of the two), she probably grew up going to church regularly. So in turn, that would probably past onto the kids when they were young. Especially if it the same idea of her essentially raising them herself is in this universe too. Once the kids grow up, and venture out on their own, they’d have to make their own decisions on what said religion means to them.

I personally don’t see this affecting Aemond much tbh, especially in a modern setting. The only way I could see it truly affecting his life is maybe in a modern Royal setting. Only bc royals are normally either seen as ordained by god and or heads of the church themselves. Therefore expected to follow certain about rules about things like divorce etc. But that is all pretty archaic thinking imo.

I see Aemond’s ideals in partnership or how it manifest in his love languages as extensions of his family issues/dynamics versus religion. Though I do have this scene in life with you planned out (semi written) between Aemond and Alicent post myrah giving birth to Baelor and being sick. Takes place in the Sept and sort of explore a grapple a lot of people have about religion. The idea of praying, but feeling like no one is actually out there. He asks the age old question if “if the faith is benevolent, why has our lives been so shit??”

This is so long winded sorry. But long story short, I only see religion affecting hotd Aemond if he do leaned into it as a means of salvation, like his mother, versus a thing to appease someone else (a surface level reason to). If after his father’s neglect or the brothel incident, he turned to faith. But so far I only get the vibe he does it for his mom, therefore it doesn’t really affect him outside being dutiful. Though the dutifulness does express itself in the way he loves. He is an action driven person and his love manifest that way

[megan-loves-surveys]

Again.

Who will you be spending Christmas with this year? It's only March, but this year will prob be like the last few - me and my Mum, and my boyfriend will come over at some point.

What time do you usually go to sleep at night? Depends - if I have to work the next day, then around midnight. If no work, then after 1am.

Did you go to high school with your current best friend? Yes.

Have you ever wanted to be vegetarian or vegan? No.

Do you park your car in a garage, carport or just in a driveway? I don't have a car, but if I did, I'd park it in the space in front of our house. Every house in our complex has two spaces.

Have you ever been a passenger in a semi-trailer truck? No.

Have you felt sick today? No.

Whose was the last funeral you attended? My Grandma's, back in 2017.

Have you read The Hunger Games trilogy? No.

How many times a week do you wash your hair? Two or three times. If I do it any more than that, it goes weird.

Do you need to wash your hair right now? I washed it yesterday, so it's fine for now.

Do you avoid using public restrooms? No. If I gotta go, then I gotta go.

What is your boss’ (or school prinicpal’s) name? My boss' name is Oliver.

Have you seen any extended relatives in the last month? No.

Do you like eggnog? I've never had it.

Is there anything important you need to do today? It's almost 10:30pm lol, the day is basically over.

Who is the person you dislike the most? Nobody, really.

Girls, how old were you when you first got your period? 13.

Do you take part in paying the bills for your household? My Mum and I split them.

Have you ever properly listened to classical music? Did you like it? Yes, it's nice but I wouldn't listen to it all the time.

Do your parents know how to text? Yep. My Dad does it a lot, my Mum not as much but she can do it.

Do you text your parents often? If I want to talk to my Dad, I usually just message him on FB Messenger. If it's more urgent, then I text or call him.

What letter does your middle name begin with? S.

Do your initials spell an actual word? No.

What will you do when this survey is over? Play a video game, probably.

Do you know anyone with celiac disease? Not that I know of.

How many siblings do you have? Are they all full siblings? None.

What’s the weather like today? It was rainy, but also super warm and humid. Gross combination.

Have you ever eaten a cinnamon donut? Yes, those tiny ones you get at the fair! Yummy.

What is the longest relationship you’ve ever been in? My current one, we've been together since June 2022, so almost 2 years.

How many times a day do you brush your teeth? Twice.

How do you usually celebrate New Years? I usually go out for a drink with my boyfriend and his friends.

Is the place that you’re in right now quiet or loud? What can you hear? It's not loud, but not quiet either. I have a YouTube video playing, and my Mum has the TV on downstairs.

Do you currently have any alarms set? No.

How many cars can fit in your driveway? We don't have a driveway, just two parking spaces outside our house.

Do you like whiskey? Sure.

When was the last time you ate, and what did you have? I had a couple of pieces of toast, some savoury biscuits and an iceblock a few hours ago.

When did you last see someone you know in public? Hmm, at the Maniacs show the other day.

Do you enjoy going to the dentist? Who does?

When did you last eat something you didn’t like? I don't do that.

Do you think you’d survive if zombies took over the world? I'd probably suck lol.

When did you last hang out with a bunch of friends at one time? I guess the Maniacs show counts - there was me, David, Scott, Judith, Richard, Remoana and Summer.

What kind of music is your least favorite? Country and screamo.

Are you and your best friend complete opposites? We can be, but at the same time we're the same lol.

Would people around you say you’re regularly a mean person? No.

Do you like the colour yellow at all? Sure.

If you were to write a novel, what would it be about? It'd be a fanfic lol.

How many times have you logged in to Bzoink? (it has a counter) The site shut down, so I don't know, but it was def in the hundreds, I was a member since 2009.

Are you currently pretending to be someone’s friend? No.

Are you an impatient person? I can be.

Are you afraid to watch movies that have sex scenes with your friends? Haha no, we just watch and laugh.

Who sings the last song you listened to? Five.

Why do you think some actors don't want to see their movies/shows? Cos they don't want to see themselves haha.

Do you think fortune tellers are the devil’s messengers (haha)? No.

Would you rather use napkins or paper towels? Napkins.

Do you go to the pool in the summer time very often? No.

Have you ever had a serious issue involving your eyes? My eyes in general are healthy, but my eyesight sucks.

Have you ever watched South Park? Who’s your favorite character? Yes, and Cartman of course.

Do you have sensitive teeth? Not really.

Do you enjoy or hate snow days? Why is this your choice? It doesn't snow where I live.

Do you turn pale when you get sick? Probably?

Does it bother you to get shots in the mouth? Does it hurt? That's only ever happened to me at the dentist, it was a numbing injection. Ugh.

When did you last talk seriously with one of your parents? Dunno about seriously.

What is the day of the week currently? Monday.

Is anything exciting coming up in the next three months? Oh yep.

Do you ever borrow money from someone? No.

Do you know anyone who tells every single thing you say? You mean like blab about my secrets? No.

When did you last kiss someone on the cheek? Who was it? My boyfriend probably.

Why do you think people like Lady Gaga so much? She's talented and has amazing stage presence. Plus her songs rule.

Do you have a lot of enemies, or not so much? I don't have any.

Can you count backwards from 100 without a mistake? Never tried.

Do you have any friends you’ve had since birth? No.

Do you care if your friends talk badly about you? Why would they do that?

Would you rather drink out of a straw or just the cup alone? Depends on the drink - some are better with straws.

Does anyone ever say they miss you often? Yes. My boyfriend is cheesey and says he misses me when we don't see each other that day <3

Would you rather become a wizard or a vampire, if you had the choice? Wizard.

Is there anyone out there who has made you feel miserable? Not recently.

Do you have a problem answering personal questions? No.

What color is the vacuum-cleaner in your house? It's red.

Have you already moved out of your parents’ house? No.

Are your parents divorced, married or separated? Divorced, and my Dad remarried.

Have you ever thought you might just have obsessive compulsive disorder? No.

Do you think it’s rude to text someone else while on a date? Well, yeah. Pay attention to yo date lol.

What is the funniest movie you’ve ever seen? Hard to pick.

What are your views on our current president? Not everyone is American. But when it comes to NZ, our PM Luxon is fucking awful. Didn't vote for him or his party.

Has one of your websites ever quit operating or shut down? Were you sad? Bzoink shut down recently, sucky.

Is it awkward to see your best friend’s parents out in public? I don't see them, so no lol.

Who is the person you talk to the most in your house? It's just me and Mum, so her by default.

Is there a television show out there that you never miss? Only WWE.

What movie have you seen too many times to be healthy? Spiceworld xD

What are the last two digits of your phone number? 75.

Does it creep you out to see people with mullets? No, they just look silly xD

What is your biggest responsibility in your household? Bills.

How cold did it get where you live, last winter? It's very mild in my city, I don't think it even got close to 0C.

Do you ever wish you could go back in time to redo something? Maybe.

Ever accidentally pull out a filling from your tooth? I don't have any fillings.

Do you ever wonder what your exes are doing? No.

Have you ever been caught in a huge lie with your parents? I didn't get caught.

Do you ever listen to the radio anymore? No.

Does it bother you to have personal conversations with people? Why would it?

Ever ride in a limo? When did you last do so? I've never been in one.

Do any of your body parts hurt at this moment in time? Yep, my fingers.

Are you sober at the time being? Yep.

Do any of your friends constantly do things to annoy you? No.

When did you last eat a Starburst? What color was it? Oh man, dunno, ages ago.

Have you ever lied to someone & said they could sing when they couldn’t? No.

Do you ever call backstabbers out on what they do? Yep.

How many people in the world do you trust? A few.

[ideks-on-mars]

A bunch of ReonSemiShira hcs because I will go down with this ship even if it only exists in my mind ✋💀

- The three of them could just be walking somewhere, for example around the mall, and Reon and Shirabu would just be chatting normally, would turn back and Semi will be like 30 feet away surrounded by girls. (They regularly have to go save him)

- Everyone is always like "wow Ōhira must have mad game bagging both Semi AND Shirabu" in reality Semi and Shirabu are the lucky ones. Reon's an angel. (Let's face it tho they're all lucky)

- Semi and Reon were in a relationship first. They had a long talk and they figured that they both loved each other very much but damn was Shirabu gorgeous. They mutually crushed on him for a while before finally asking him if he would join in on their relationship. They were completely shocked when Shirabu agreed, saying that he liked them both too.

- Shirabu had gotten with them in his second year (Reon and Semi's third) meanwhile the other two had gotten together towards the ending of their first year. Sometimes this makes Shirabu a bit insecure but the other two are quick to console him.

- Even after they get together, Shirabu still has the BIGGEST crush on them both. Like obviously they're all together and love each other but what I mean by crush is shy glances, flustered when they're already looking at him, shy when it comes to little things like holding hands and cheek kisses, the whole package. He thinks he's slick about it, Reon and Semi can comfirm that he's not.

- Always sleeping. ALWAYS. Sometimes Semi personally can't sleep because of his Mania (A hc from one of my previous posts) but he never misses the chance to lay down with his boyfriends. Whether they're squeezed on two twin dorm beds they pushed together or they're laying in Shirabu, rich kid, Kenjirō's king sized bed. They just always like to be together for moments like that.

- Reon keeps the other two under control most of the time. He's threatened to get them leashes (to which Semi responded with "kinky" which got him a smack upside the head from Reon and a flustered squawk from Shirabu)

- Reon and Semi are really the only people Shirabu takes his binder off around. (I hc him as Transmasc). His period cramps are terrible and at first Reon and Semi would flip their shit with worry. After some research plus some trial and error they've become sort-of-pros. (Reon even went as far to ask his older sister for help on how to help Shirabu feel better)

- Sometimes Reon wonders if he's doing alright. It's hard to be a boyfriend to two people who are the complete opposite but very similar at the same time. Semi and Shirabu love to remind him how special he is to them and how much they love and appreciate him.

- Semi's the boldest out of the three. Shamelessly flirts with them like he's still trying to win them over. The other two secretly love it.

- Reon's the first of the three to get a car so obviously he gets the driver seat. This leaves Semi and Shirabu to damn near battle each other for the passenger seat. Shirabu usually just calls shotgun. Sometimes Semi just let's it go. But then sometimes Semi will completely ignore him and just dash for the front seat. Which leads to an all high and mighty Semi, a pouty Shirabu, and Reon questioning why he loves these idiots.

- They have trouble sharing the bathroom in the morning. Shirabu and Reon are both morning shower people while Semi would rather take one before bed. This leads to Semi just wanting to get in there and get his routine done. Meanwhile Shirabu and Reon think that they should go first. Shirabu especially because he likes to straighten and blow dry his hair in the morning too. ("All you do is look in the mirror and ruffle it a bit! I actually want to look half way decent!" "That's not true! I do look good! You're just a princess!" "You two, please.") Reon and Shirabu shower together occasionally but then Semi gets jealous and cranky so they usually only shower together if Semi's still asleep. Reon usually just slips away while Semi and Shirabu are making their points.

- Reon loves nothing more than having his back scratched (I don't blame him) and Shirabu just happens to be the right person for the job. It's not unusual to see Reon laying on his stomach with his head on Shirabu's chest while the other scratches his back. Then of course you can't forget about Mr. Attention Seeker so of course he needs his back scratched too. So you'll find poor Shirabu with two 6 foot tall men flopped on top of him with his hand either going up and down their back or in their hair. (cuz Semi prefers his head scratched)

- Semi and Reon are completely used to sharing clothes. Being about the same size really comes in handy. Now with Shirabu it's a different story. And to add to it he might as well be a professional thief. Semi's missing a shirt? Shirabu's got it on. Reon's looking for his favorite shorts? Shirabu's got those on too. Probably steals their socks too lmao. They complain about it like they don't love it. ("Ken, you literally steal all of our clothes and we can't fit yours" "Ok, I'll stop" "Hold on we never said to do all that now")

- Semi babies them both to death. Sure he'll carry Shirabu around like a baby. What if he's a near grown man? Of course he always wants Reon to sit in his lap. What if they're about the same size? He loves them. He wants to spoil them as much as he can with his love.

These all have been stuck in my head for ages. I love them sm my sweethearts <3

[twelfth-harbinger]

Hello!! I just finished reading your Zhongli piece and it’s so so good! I love the way you write and your descriptions, unlike other writers who just dive into dialogue and feels very 1D, yours is 3-D!! I love it! Do you plan on continuing the Zhongli one with part 2 NSFW?!?

Also, may I please request a NSFW Diluc piece with female reader, who’s his co-worker/bartender who works at angels share with Charles?

Thank you for your hard work!

A/n: Firstly, yes!!! & thank you!!!, ilysm <3. Secondly Diluc is fucking hot & this is something I couldn’t get out my mind once I read your request. Pls Enjoy ^^

Mentions: Master Diluc likes being called...Master Diluc. Don’t taunt him it’ll lead to something spontaneous and igniting! Bar sex.

Warnings: Nsfw! So spicy hehe

The Angel of Angel’s Share

He spotted you on his occasional endeavors to Angels Share, being an outstanding and tremendous help to Charles when it came to cleaning up and serving drinks to the patrons of his humble business. You insisted that Charles let you help out once in a while as a side job — you needed the mora. Upon getting Dilics rather passive approval in a letter you got in! You spend most nights tidying up, wiping down tables and cleaning glasses periodically. Many of the bar patrons converse with you. Calling you the literal Angel of Angel’s Share. Your beauty was no secret, every man and woman there simply adored you. How could they not? You were friendly, outgoing and most importantly, kind. Your smile was as radiant as the sun itself and of course Diluc had to witness it with his own two eyes. Word did not spread around his establishment without him in the loop. Kaeya frequented the bar more often to flirt with see you; he was a regular before, but now? You rarely go a night where you don’t see him, even if it’s for a short while. Charles has to make snide comments about him slacking off to get him to leave.

All it takes is one night for things to burn brightly into something new, a night akin to this one. Diluc stood behind the counter to relieve Charles for the night shift — he had been there all morning and the night before. You walked in as Diluc was speaking to Charles, you wasted no time in maneuvering to the second floor to clear those tables first.

“Enjoy your night off Charles, I’ll take it from here.” Diluc waved him away and well, it left you there with him. Not alone of course, not yet. As the night pressed on you entertained the customers, served them delicious drinks Diluc prepared and made friends with Stanley?? The busy happy hour of Angels Share gave you no time to take a break. Not until it was well after hours and Diluc had locked the doors to Angel’s Share for the night.

“Good work today.” You chirped happily, as you sat at the bar of the counter atop a stool. Diluc prepared you spiked wolf hook juice on the house; it had a bearclaw kind of taste to it. One of Dliuc’s hands held an empty glass whilst the other dried it with a plain off-white dish cloth.

“I should be saying that to you, you overachieved tonight.” He didn’t mean for his comment to come off as brash, even though it did. You glanced up at him over the top to your glass, your eyes narrowing slightly in amusement. He quickly corrected himself with a light clear of his throat. “Not...that, that’s a bad thing. You..did well.”

Talk about awkward, you and he hadn’t spoken much since your employment over the past few months. You were undoubtedly curious about this handsome man with hair the color of fire. All dressed in black and a wielder of a claymore. He had to have some form of immense physical strength to do so and it only made you wonder what else he could do.

“Why thank you Master Diluc.” Your lips curled into a coy smile as you peeked up at him over the rim of your glass once more. His eyes were like flames too, and his gaze made you burn. It’s strange, so many people address him as Master Diluc regularly and yet you were the only person that was able to stoke the fire within him. Intentionally or not he enjoyed the way it rolled off your tongue and he wanted to hear it again. His hand stopped moving in the glass and he set it down neatly next to the others that were lined up.

“There’s no need to thank me, everyone deserves recognition for their hard work.” He played it cool, you’ll give him that. You stood up, hopping off the stool to the bar, only to walk around it and move past him. You were shorter than he was, he saw the top of your head. He was in the midst of asking you what you were doing but you stopped in front of him to drop to your knees. He fucking froze, he watched you completely unsure of what was going to happen next. He prayed to the gods that you weren’t going to do what he wanted you to do. He wouldn’t be able to keep it together otherwise and he doubted he’d stop you. With a cheeky grin you stood back up with a large jug of homemade grape juice in a hand. He exhaled quietly, letting out a silent sigh that caught in his throat. His face remained straight with a hint of a slight irritable frown threatening the corners of his lips. You proceeded to stand in front of him, turning your back to him to pour a glass of his favorite beverage.

“I know you don’t drink and I heard you liked grape juice from your brother. Why not sit and join me for a while?”

His eyes drifted down the back of your figure before he stepped aside shamefully, Kaeya rubbed off on him more than he cared to admit. Even so, he was ignoring any and all signals you were sending him. Or at least he was trying his very best to. Certainly nothing came that easy— a passing thought you both shared. He sat beside you at the bar, it was silent for a little while. You looked at him with a slight turn of your head and moved to place a hand on your cheek. He lowered the glass from his face and looked over at you. Seeing him up close was making you nervous, you thought you had it in you to seduce this man but you began having second thoughts. He stared at you as if he was trying to read you like a book. It only made things more complicated which lead to you doubting yourself even more. Kaeya never made you this nervous even when he flirted with you.

“My brother told you I liked grape juice what a nuisance.” He said, breaking the silence; he had to the cat ripped out your tongue. You looked at the glass jug and then at him and finally smiled, breaking a light sweat from your overthinking.

“O-Oh, yes haha.. he was teasing you quite a bit.” Diluc didn’t find it amusing Kaeya could get under his skin like it was his job. A light ‘tch’ left his lips as he raised his glass. You followed suit needing more liquid courage than you initially thought. “It’s okay,” You sighed out, you cheeks warming from the bitter sweet drink. “Apple juice is superior in any case.” Diluc looked at you and a light smile crossed his features as he shook his head.

“It’s not.” He stated, “At all in fact.” You caught his semi playful gaze, you narrowed your eyes a little at the comment. “Sunsettia juice is even better in all aspects.” You chuckled and lowered your hand onto the table.

“Coming from the juice enthusiast himself why am I not surprised.” Diluc smirked a bit, finding your comment funny. He looked at you and your radiantly warm smile; it really did resemble that of the morning and setting sun. The two of you remained there conversing with each other well into the night, losing track of time. He hadn’t felt this at ease with anyone by his side in a while. Jean was a great friend to talk to but she was so busy he rarely got to speak with her. He was too in his own right, running the wine industry in Monstadt was no easy task.

“Do you enjoy working here?” He asked as you stood up to stretch, the tables in the back still needed to be cleared, a few drinking tankards, bottles and glasses were scattered about. His question made you think, you loved the night atmosphere of the tavern and the people that came with it.

“Of course I do, it’s very inviting I dare say more than Cats Eye.” You looked his way with a grin he stood up along with you a faint smile playing at the corner of his lips. “Though I do have my work cut out for me here.” You quipped lightly before making your way to the back of the bar where a wooden bench table sat nestled in the corner with a small cabinet and barrel behind it. Diluc followed after to aide in an easy clean up you worked hard enough for tonight. With your back turned you bend over the table without fully walking around it to reach for the glasses and tankards. Your arms were quite short given your stature, without thinking too deeply into his actions Dilic stood halfway behind you to grab the bottle.

“It’s fine to take a break once in a while. There is no need to overwork yourself.” He stated plainly as he picked up the second bottle that sat next to the first. Unbeknownst to him you felt his presence the moment he stepped up behind you. He smelled like a freshly lit fire in the middle of the Whispering Woods his warmth drew you in. You stepped back somewhat unintentionally, your backside grazing him lightly as you turned around to face him. Even on your toes you wouldn’t be at eye level, he stared down at you a bit embarrassed by what he believed was his fault. He opened his mouth to apologize, you couldn’t stop yourself from stealing a kiss. When your lips pressed against his in a sweetened and heated kiss, you noticed Diluc tensed up. The bottles he had fell over onto the surface of the table. Upon hearing that you pulled away and stood flat footed against the edge of the able. You avoided looking at him and tugged on the ends of your hair sheepishly.

“Sorry I...don’t know what came over me, I thought maybe...“ With your half hearted apology you trailed off looking up at Diluc who stared down at you with a perplexed look in his eye. With his gloved hand he reached up to cup your cheek and leaned down to press his lips firmly against yours. His other hand moved up to hold the other side of your cheek. He wanted to kiss you the moment everyone left. Your lips moved in time with his, your hands finding themselves holding onto the sides of his coat. Without breaking the kiss, he lowered his hands to your waist and then to your thighs. In one swift movement he effortlessly lifted you to sit you on top of the table. The bottles on the surface rattled upon him doing so, slightly moving the table in the process. Your hands moved up his chest from his sides as his own slipped further down your legs to hold onto your waist. His pants were growing tighter by the second, you were so beautiful and he hadn’t voiced it yet. Not that he was given the chance to, the moment you both came up for air you pulled him into another fierce kiss, you legs locking around him in efforts to draw him closer. You needed him to ruin you on that table top and he wasn’t going to deny you of one of life’s simple pleasures. After all this man made it so that people could drink happily within the safety of Angel’s Share. Your tongue moved past your lips and Diluc gladly glided his own over yours to gain access. His hand moved back up to your cheek only to slip down to your neck to hold you in place as his other hand moved up the side of your thigh to squeeze. His leather gloves felt so good on your skin, you wanted to feel more of him.

Your hands moved from his sides to his pants, fumbling with the belts and buttons to try and get them loose. Diluc moved to kiss your neck, his warm lips trailing hot kisses against your soft skin. He made an audible sound, a muffled moan as he kissed the nape of your neck. You tugged him closer upon finally undoing his bottoms. His hand wandered down your side and moved to hitch up your work tunic, the other pulling onto the string to your top. He yanked it down to reveal your bare chest, as he exposed your legs and thighs. He was going to thoroughly enjoy fucking you on top of that table. A slight smile crossed his features as his index finger and thumb moved down to grip your chin, he tilted your head up to look into your eyes. Never has a man made you this weak with such a simple gaze.

“Is this what you want?” He asked quietly, he wasn’t going to begin without asking you. Your brows furrowed in need and you nodded as your eyes searched his face. His own were a bit complacent when he didn’t move to give you what he knew you wanted; he wanted to hear you say it. He only moved in to kiss you once more before his lips found the skin of your neck again.

“Diluc..please.” You whined, he smiled lightly against your neck and kept kissing. You wondered why he was only kissing you, unbeknownst to you his hand moved down in between your legs and his crotch to free his fully hardened member from the confides of his trousers. “M-Master Di—“ Your breath hitched in your throat and you moaned out the rest of his name, a deep growl moving past his lips as he slipped inside of you. He stretched you out continuously as you contracted around his length in utter bliss. Your legs squeezed around him and his hands gripped your waist and thigh. Pulling you closer to his chest as he bottomed out inside of you. Your eyes rolled back as he pushed himself further; your lips parted in a light moan and your hands tangled in his red locks. Diluc’s hand moved from your thigh to your neck to hold you in place briefly as he leaned back to look at your face. It was intoxicating, if he could get drunk off your facial expressions he would. He pulled back and thrusted hard into you, your body jerked up and the table moved along with the bottles and glasses on top of it.

You cried out in pleasure and your hips bucked against his. He bit down on his bottom lip to surpress a groan, he thrusted once again, finding a hard and steady rhythm that left your body jerking upwards against the table and your chest exposed for him to see. An alluring sight that made him thrust even harder and your loud moans to fill the atmosphere of the bar. Mixed in were his own light goans and mild grunts, even as he laid you flat onto the table he didn’t stop. Though the pace slowed a bit, he became more forceful with his movements which made your back arch into his chest and your legs shake. You were going to cum a lot harder than you expected, you could feel it and so could he, you caught wind of a faint smirk that slipped across his face as he kissed you. A kiss deep enough where you could lose oneself. Your hands tugged at his hair and your face pleaded with a need for release.

The bottles, tankards and glasses had since fell onto the floor of Angel’s Share. Not that either of you could be bothered by it now. As your climax rushed at you like a battering ram Diluc groaned out low into your ear the sound made your body quiver, you were about to milk him dry. Your hands slipped out of his hair and fell back onto the table as you convulsed in an intense high. Diluc held you in his arms and sat you back up, with your legs wrapped around him once again. He turned and sat on the edge of the table with you on top, allowing you to ride out the rest of your orgasm as he filled your depths with his hot seed. The feeling itself made you shutter as he buried his face into your chest and his arms wrapped around you, the moan he let out was something you could never get tired of hearing. The area in Angel’s Share that you two both shared had grown hot, the sweat you broke out was enough to cause your breathing to be ragged.

“Master Diluc...” You mumbled into his hair with closed eyes and a smile, his hands rested on your waist as his head rested on your chest. He moved back to look up at you, his hand moving to brush your cheek. He kissed your cheek as he pulled back to look at your face.

“Yes?” He replied, a smile crossing his features, you grinned at him finding the humor in his answer. You kissed him once more, this time slowly to savor the taste of his lips. He looked up at you, his eyes flickering like fire. “There’s going to be a shipment at the Dawn Winery from Liyue, Charles usually comes to pick it up but, I trust you enough to be there in his stead.” Upon hearing those words you knew you’d see him again.

“I will gladly be there, Master Diluc.”

Bonus

After your visit to the Dawn winery a few day ago, you decided to get an afternoon drink at Angel’s Share. Outside you ran into Kaeya and Diluc sitting at one of the tables outside. Kaeya spotted you first of course and when your eyes met Diluc’s a smile surfaced onto your face and his own softened a bit. Which, caught Kaeya’s attention quickly; being the absurdly perceptive man that he was.

“You’re here early, I thought your shift doesn’t start until sundown.” Kaeya spoke with a smile that was suspiciously sly. Diluc sat there with his arms crossed and a placid frown on his face, you sat with them and looked at Kaeya unamused.

“I thought I’d get a drink before my shift, I’ve been quite busy as of late.” You replied moving a hand to rest on your cheek, Diluc was silent and Kaeya looked between you both before his eye settled on you.

“Have you now? You know, a few days ago I went to the Dawn Winery looking for you and Diluc seeing as Charles said you were going to be there.” Kaeya held up a letter from grandmaster Jean and waved it in the air idly. “I needed to deliver a letter from the active grandmaster to Diluc and hoped I’d run into you there and yet...I couldn’t find either of you.” Diluc frowned deeper and your smile began to fade slowly, your hand moved up casually to cover your mouth a bit and Kaeya’s smile grew as he went on. “So, I took it upon myself to look around given your maids told me you were in his study.” Diluc’s expression shifted from displeasure to pure annoyance. You were a bit nervous though wondering if you two had been found out already. You knew the answer in the back of your mind though. “When I couldn’t find you there I saw a maid walk out of the west wing hallway with blush staining her cheeks so, naturally I went that way and much to my surprise there you two were behind the semi closed doors to dear brothers bedroom-“ Diluc snatched the letter from his brother and narrowed his eyes. He stood up and narrowed his eyes at him.

“You finished ?” He asked, short tempered as always, you were a blushing mess on the other hand, with your face covered in attempts to hide your embarrassment. Of all the ways to be found out, it had to be Kaeya happening across you two at the Dawn Winery! Kaeya chuckled lightly and leaned back in the chair.

“Ah-Ah you interrupted me brother, I was just getting to the good part.” You peeked up at him and shook your head Dliuc let out and irritable sigh and turned his back to Kaeya and then looked over at you, a smile on his face one he’d only show to you really.

“I’ll see you later.” You nodded with a warmth to your cheeks as he walked off ignoring Kaeya all together. The three of you knowing Diluc was working tonight with you again. It left you two sitting there in a painful kind of silence where only one of you were inflicted and the other found it jovial.

“He must like you.” Kaeya sighed raising his wine glass to his lips, you glanced over at him with a slight glare and he smiled your way.

“Your point?” You retorted, it lead to him shrugging lightly as he finished the drink. He stood up, preparing to take his leave, moving to place a hand on his hip.

“None really, it’s just he got to you before I could.” Kaeya wouldn’t admit to him being beaten at his own game, he also wouldn’t voice at how it made him proud and happy for his brother at the same time. You looked at him with a straight face and he chortled. “You’ll make each other happy, especially with the sex you’re having. I’m not worried.” He patted your shoulder before he walked off in the opposite direction of his brother. Leaving you there blushing and with the future to think about, one where both you snd Diluc shared.

[pub-lius]

A Debunking and, in my Humble Opinion, Superior Version of Weird History’s “Hardcore Facts About Alexander Hamilton”

I haven’t updated my blog in quite some time, and that is due to my schedule being primarily dominated by school. So, I decided my first step into posting semi-regularly once more shall be a more casual, more fun endeavor. 

If you have not heard of the Weird History youtube channel, good for you. It is yet another social media platform that misconstrues history to appeal to the public’s enjoyment of extremes and strangeness. I saw The Historical Fashion Queens make a video responding to their highly misinformed documentary on corsetry on Miss Abby Cox’s youtube channel, which I highly recommend. This intrigued me, and I decided to find a video I could dissect off my expertise, at first only for fun in my own time. This resulted in the production in a very long bullet list in the notes app of my phone. So here is my informal destruction of this godforsaken video.

Disclaimer: I am not at all excusing any of the awful things Alexander Hamilton did during his lifetime. I am absolutely the last person who would even come near to claiming that many of the things he did were justifiable in the slightest. Although, he might be the only historical figure which I have a very strong interest in the life of, as he was incredibly complex, and the part of me with a love of psychology finds him absolutely fascinating. There is also something to be said about the way we consider moral standards of historical figures. We are quite lucky to believe in the time that we do, and not all of our standards can apply to historical figures. This does not mean they should not be held accountable. I find that a way to criticize people while also praising them where it is due is by judging them based upon their intentions. In my opinion, Hamilton’s intentions were not to harm anyone in most situations, so I don’t think he was a terrible person, nor do I think he was a particularly good one. Then again, I don’t think either of those things about a mass majority of people, so let us proceed without further delay. (Note: I will also be referring to the collective Weird History channel as the Narrator to avoid any mental gymnastics, and all of my knowledge is coming from my memory of Hamilton’s writing and some biographies.)

Automatically, the video starts with mention of the musical, but that just reminds me that many use Ron Chernow’s biography of Hamilton as a basis of their statements about him without utilizing much critical thinking, so I am slightly nervous. 

The Narrator then refers to Hammy Ham man as “...one of America’s most undervalued founding fathers...” Now, it is debatable whether or not Mr. Hamilton is undervalued per se, but when it comes to the founding fathers, they are usually undervalued or overvalued. At this point, Hamilton is both.

I shall not subscribe, thank you for the offer though, Mr. Narrator.

Now for the first fact: “Historians don’t know when Hamilton was born.” Yes, this is correct, but I don’t believe this should be labeled as “hardcore”, but perhaps that is just me. One early document indicates that Hamilton was born in 1755, while all later ones point to 1757 as his year of birth. We know Hamilton was not always a completely honest man, so it is possible that he lied.

Also, they show an image of a baby, and I do not know if this is actually Hamilton, but they use a lot of strange imagery, which I found humorous.

“A self-made man born out of wedlock.” Now, this fact could indeed be “hardcore”, if this was not colonial America we are discussing. Hamilton actually wasn’t really special in this regard. Yes, his rise to fame was impressive considering his circumstances, but this wasn’t unheard of.

The Narrator then says that Hamilton’s mother, Rachel Faucette, was “estranged from her husband.” This caused me some confusion as it is a vast understatement. Her ex-husband was absolutely awful to her. 

Additionally, they claim that James Hamilton left his family behind for some reason that I did not write in my notes, but the most likely reason that he actually left was because of his awesome debt. James Hamilton also had a history of ambitious pursuits for money, so it would not be extreme to claim that he moved to another island to attempt to make a fortune in some trading endeavor.

They also cease to mention the Stevens family, who housed young Alexander while he was working for Beekman and Cruger, and had a great influence on him, but I digress.

“A college dropout who joined the Revolution.” Once again, this isn’t special. Many rowdy young Whigs left behind their careers and educations for pursuit of military fame in the Continental Army. They also do not mention anything of Hamilton’s expansive military career, which aside from being indicative of primitive research, but would produce more “hardcore facts.”

Although, they do discuss his application to Princeton college, which is interesting enough I suppose, although everyone who has heard the first two songs of the musical knows this story. His proposal for an “accelerated course of study” was likely inspired by Aaron Burr, as claimed by Chernow and Miranda, or James Madison, as supported by evidence provided by author Noah Feldman in his novel, The Three Lives of James Madison, which is an excellent read. Young Madison, having already completed a course, decided to do so again, but compacting a usually three year course into a shorter period of time. He hardly slept during this period, which was stressful upon his health, making Princeton more disinclined to allow a similar course to be taken.

The Narrator then claims that Hamilton “formed his own militia of 25 men.” Technically, yes? But not exactly. Hamilton joined a paramilitary group called the Hearts of Oak, and they drilled in Trinity Churchyard. This became ironic later. He then became a captain in the New York Artillery Company, and enlisted his own men, which was at one time around thirty or so, if my memory serves me correctly.

“Founded a bank that existed for over two centuries.” Ah, yes, a very hardcore fact indeed. Yes, Hamilton did establish the Bank of America, but Robert Morris was the one who inspired him to do so. Though, I do think the financial plan is a product of his own genius, but I will get into that much later.

I got an ad. :(

The Narrator also says that the misfortunes done to the New York shipping industry by the Articles of Confederation were the most prominent, if not sole, motivation for Hamilton to concoct his financial plan. He first recognized the need for a sound financial plan when he was in the army. You know, when he was watching men die of inadequate supplies because the government couldn’t tax the states.

This video, like Chernow’s biography and Miranda’s musical, claims that Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr were friends when, in actuality, they weren’t really. Yes, they knew each other, and they didn’t hate each other until the end of Hamilton’s life, but they really didn’t think about each other much before the Election of 1800.

“Hamilton authored over half of the Federalist Papers.” Indeed, he did! I enjoy this fact. It isn’t very “hardcore” but it is very impressive. The Federalist Papers were arguably Hamilton’s greatest accomplishment, as he organized the entire thing and, as previously stated, authored much of them. I very much enjoy the Federalist Papers, as they give some insight as to Hamilton’s political and philosophical theories, as well as how he thought of the world. It makes for an interesting read if you have something you’re looking for.

Now, this may be a hot take, but Madison’s essays are by far more effective, as they were better organized. Hamilton and I share a common flaw, and that is the lack of brevity. 

“Involved in America’s first sex scandal.” Yes, we all know. I’ll get into the Reynold’s affair later because it’s its own beast to conquer. Basically what you need to understand information I shall provide later in this post is that James Reynolds extorted money from Hamilton, and if Hamilton failed to pay, Reynolds would expose the affair Hamilton was having with his wife, Maria. Hamilton paid, but when Reynolds was arrested for something else, he exposed Hamilton anyway.

“He worked with Aaron Burr to defend a man.” Once again, this isn’t very surprising. They were both capable lawyers in the same area, so it was basically inevitable. Though there was this one instance where Hamilton and Burr were working on a case together and Hamilton, being himself, insisted upon having the last word. Well, Burr was tired of him, and I can’t say I blame him, so he made every possible argument in his finishing speech, leaving Hamilton with virtually nothing. 

The Narrator also mentions Hamilton’s opposition to slavery, but he didn’t really outwardly oppose it as much as you would think listening to the musical or reading Chernow’s biography. Far from being the “fervent abolitionist” Chernow and Miranda glorify, Hamilton didn’t really do much for the enslaved. He helped John Laurens in his Black Plan and joined the Manumission Society, but other than that, he never made any attempt to progress the abolition of slavery. He also “purchased” slaves for his in-laws, and some argue that he “owned” some himself, but there is no contemporary evidence to support this that I have seen. The enslaved and servants that were in his household likely belonged to his wife.

“Founded a newspaper that still exists.” Ok.

“Died by duel.” I swear, this fact is by far the most unnecessary. They mention the duel so many times that it is already redundant. I completely skipped over this part, and the video ended, so I was thoroughly underwhelmed.

Well, seeing as this post is already longer than my attention span, I shall save you the pains of having to read any more in just one post. I shall make a follow-up to this where I give my own facts, which I believe are far more hardcore than “he founded a newspaper.” I hope you have enjoyed and this isn’t too terribly boring. I hope to get back to posting soon.

[zzinvolterra]

I’ve read your post about the downsides of having powers and I loved it cause I always thought it couldn’t be that easy. Now I want to know the others!

I have a couple of ideas but I’d love to read your headcannons for Aro, Marcus, Edward, Alice, Jasper... I mean... everyone with a power.

Have a splendid day and be safe!

[previous post]

Thank you so much, you too!!

// mentions of panic attacks, anxiety attacks, sensory overload //

Aro

When he touches someone, he can read every though the person has ever had.

The possibilities.  I think the primary concern would be losing or mixing up his own memories with others’ thoughts.  He’s come into contact with vampires with millions of their own thoughts many times, and because of his memory, they’re all locked in there, perfectly preserved forever.  (Also, the criminals that he would be reading would likely have quite gruesome memories.)  So forgetting who he is, experiencing constant déjà vu and horrific flashbacks (that aren’t his... or are they?), and becoming overwhelmed to the point where he can’t function are all very possible.

Marcus

He sees the relationships or connections people have to one another.

I suppose Marcus could occasionally be overwhelmed, perhaps experiencing headaches when looking at a large coven.  (Also, there’s so much honesty in his gift, meaning in nearly every relationship he has, he knows exactly how they feel about him.  Which could be painful at times.)

Didyme

Aura of happiness, I guess. [not a quote]

Didyme emits an aura of happiness that seems unconscious and may have occurred to a lesser degree as a human.  Like I mentioned before with Chelsea, every relationship she’s had could have been affected by that.  (...including Didyme/Marcus - would their love be the same if she didn’t have her Ability?)  And depending on how much her gift affects a person, she could be sobbing (vampirically) and everyone else in the room would still be grinning and laughing euphorically.

Everyone else is under the cut!

Edward

Edward can read the thoughts of anyone in close proximity to him...

I just started MS, so I’m not quite sure how this is in canon, but I imagine it would be quite easy for Edward to become overwhelmed, especially as a newborn when he didn’t know how to block out voices.  He could also experience migraines.  Plus, in terms of how much he’s got bouncing around in his head, he’s like Aro Jr.  Not Good.

Alice

She can see into the future, although what she sees is based on decisions being made; thus, she must wait for a decision to be firmly rooted in the mind or acted upon, before she can see the end result.

Her visions send her into an almost catatonic state, and she sees them often enough that there must be quite a few of them preserved in her mind.  She exists on a different plane of reality, really, that must make it harder for her to connect with others.  Could definitely see her experiencing constant déjà vu (she’s just living to catch up to her next vision) as well as anxiety attacks from trying to avert every single possible disaster.

Jasper

Jasper has the ability to both feel and manipulate the emotions of those around him.

It seems like Jasper is constantly inundated with the emotions of others, including their thirst, so him experiencing sensory overload is definitely possible.  He’s also able to manipulate others with his gift, so unconsciously influencing someone could be a concern of his.

Bella

Her mind is impenetrable; no one can read her thoughts unless she allows it.  She can shield herself from all types of psychic attacks and learns to shield those around her.

I like to think that Bella feels a dampened down version of whatever she’s blocking, especially when she’s expanded her shield.  For example, she could feel a stinging sensation when Jane attempted to Pain™ them in BD.

Resume

She can show people her thoughts by touching their skin.  So far, no one has been able to block her talent.

Sounds scary, but okay.  Maybe showing other people her thoughts drains her energy?  (While we’re talking about her, I support the headcanon that Resume is like an immortal child in the way that she draws people in and encourages them to die for protect her.  Her Ability could increase that effect.)  There are also some weird parallels between her and Aro.

Zafrina

Zafrina has a strong illusory talent.  She can make her target see any illusion she wants, or see nothing at all.

Hmm.  I suppose for Zafrina, she could perhaps experience a diluted form of her own Ability when using it on others for an extended period of time.  I’m assuming that she has to concentrate on what she wants them to see, and maybe after a while, she starts seeing bits of it herself.  Or, her own vision could start growing dimmer as she exerts more energy.

Eleazar

He has the ability to sense the type and strength of gifted vampires’ talents.

Eleazar is like a gift metal detector.  Consequences could be that being around powerful gifts, or many at the same time, could overwhelm him.  For example, getting headaches when he was part of the Volturi or during the army witness gathering in BD.  (And I’m assuming Aro visits him semi-regularly, which is not an enviable position to be in.)

Kate

She has the power to cause a painful, electric shock-like jolt in anyone she touches.

I think with Kate, she could become drained, especially if she’s touching more than one person or using her Ability for an extended period of time.  And until she fine-tuned her control over her gift, she was probably shocking everybody and was afraid to touch those she loved in fear of hurting them.

Benjamin

He can influence the elements – water, earth, fire, and air.  He is able to physically manipulate the world around him with his will, similar to telekinetic.

Because of his power, Benjamin wasn’t allowed to leave the house for years, so yeah.  Downside of being the Avatar is everybody wants you.  Also, it seemed, at least in my opinion, that he doesn’t have the greatest control over his gift - meaning every time he uses it, it’s large and powerful.  In the BD (movie) vision, he creates a chasm... that’s deep enough to reach magma?  (Fault lines!!)  So if he were to ever lose that bit of control over his Ability, he would do a lot of damage.

Maggie

She is able to tell if a person is lying.

Maggie is compelled to point out lies, to the point where she can’t stop even when people become uncomfortable and punish her for needing to state the truth.  Therefore, hearing lies could hurt her, mentally or emotionally.  It could also be sort-of an obsession of hers to have everything be the “truth”.  (Do with this what you will - basically what I’m trying to say is that Maggie is unable to not point out lies.)

Siobhan?

Some suspect she can affect the outcome of a situation through willpower alone.

If she does have an Ability, I suppose it could be that the outcomes she causes have unintended side effects - a bit like how Alice attempts to manipulate events, but those new events bring new potential disasters.

James

He was a skilled tracker, able to sense in advance the most likely moves of his prey.

Demetri-ish?  Hyper-aware of his surroundings.

Victoria

She was exceptionally good at evading enemies.

She’s canonically good at hide-and-seek...?  To me, it seems like an Ability that was invented to explain why nobody could find her, but all right.  Perhaps a mix of Afton, hiding-wise (though she doesn’t turn invisible-ish), and Bella, evading-Demetri-wise.

Fred

He has the ability to make anyone feel physically repulsed.  He can use this ability to make someone unable to think of him for a period of time.

In “The Second Life of Bree Tanner”, it seems like Fred’s Ability is always active.  Perhaps gaining control of that power could be difficult because, until he does, he pushes everyone away...(Reneta-ish?)  Also, he’s called “Freaky Fred”.  Rude.

Raoul

He had a limited ability to make others view him as their leader.  It worked best on those who were directionless.

This is hard because it almost seems like Raoul is just exceptionally charismatic.  Potential scenario: if his directionless followers somehow found direction, he would have to deal with an uprising.

Alistair

Alistair can track both people and things.  He can sense the general direction of whatever he is looking for, but it takes him a long time to narrow this feeling down to a specific location.

(He’s very good at finding those car keys.)  He would be aware of his surroundings, similar to Demetri but to a lesser degree.  Not sure if he’d be as overwhelmed as often since it seems like he needs to focus on something specifically to find it, but I imagine his first few years weren’t fun.

Charles

Charles can sense when someone is lying to him.

Maggie 2.0?  Or perhaps more accurately, Maggie 0.5?  Sounds like he’s essentially Maggie, but less affected by lies.

Mele

Could take Abilities and transfer them to other people.  However, she couldn’t use the gifts herself. [Also not a quote]

Gift snatched.  Her power on its own is not very helpful to her survival, since she can’t harness the gifts she takes, nor is it beneficial to her existence.  In my opinion, Mele, due to her Ability, will always be stuck in the position of serving someone (like Sulpicia in Life and Death) or be killed because she’s a threat (Aro).

[meichenxi]

Yesterday I was walking back home at 15:30 and it was already dark, and I couldn't help thinking: where the hell has the year gone? It was light until 11 last month, I swear. And predictably, cue thoughts about impending doom/age/passing of time etc

And then I stopped because. I was thinking: oh god, in ten years time I'm going to be thirty two, that's like, CHILDREN age.

But how much have we done in the last ten years??

I mean: grown up (bit), dealt with school, dealt with love and loss and friendship, left school behind, made a new beginning, navigated the beginning of adulthood. That's not nothing.

But how much time did we have age twelve for the things we liked compare to now? How much responsibility? How much freedom to be bored, without the distraction of a phone or the internet, to go outside or engage in creativity? I think it's time we cut ourselves some slack really.

Here's the other thing. I was thinking of what had changed my life in those years that is still applicable to this day: age twelve, I didn't know a word of German. And now, despite not having actively studied it in five years (oops) since I left school, you're telling me that I can read my favourite books in German? The Silmarillion in German?? After five years at school?

I try to be positive a lot of the time and fail to convince myself: but this was genuinely a hugely exciting realisation for me for a number of reasons.

One: five years isn't actually that long. When I despair about getting 'old' (shut up Melissa) and opportunities dwindling, think of how far you could go with a language or any other skill in five years!! We as a community tend to think in terms of short term goals: pass this exam, become conversational in three months, blah blah blah. But realistically what we should be aiming to build isn't language skills, but the mindset and curiousity and habits of someone who enjoys learning languages. And, you know, if it takes you longer than three months to reach 'fluency', wow, Benny Lewis was lying to you, what a surprise. In the long term, the things you invest in will pay off: you just need to take time. Also, if it takes longer than five years? Each language has its quirks, and you have different time and priorities at different life stages. I have spent SO much more time on German than French or Spanish, probably 3x or 4x as much though I did all three until the end of secondary school, and yet I can still read French and Spanish academia easier than German. It's annoying, but it's ok. German academia is hard. Similar with Chinese: reading the Silmarillion after five years of study?? You must be absolutely mad. Bonkers I tell you. That's also OK. I still get excited that I can understand the train announcements - different languages have different priorities.

Two: your brain is incredibly powerful, and passive knowledge, while not the same as active knowledge, doesn't decrease. Ok, it's very much demonstrably true that if you don't speak a language for five years regularly you'll get rusty. That's the case with my German, and that's what is called language attrition, and it can happen in languages you've had from birth as well. Your listening and reading abilities may also suffer from lack of use: but if you have a solid foundation in the language (I don't mean ordering yakisoba), you won't forget it if you don't use it. It just takes a while to reactive it because the neural pathways you have for quickly recalling a word are strengthened less and are thus inhibited to make it easier for words you use more frequently. Any use of those pathways will strengthen them again. There have been case studies of people with severe amnesia who nevertheless are able to function perfectly well in second languages: they cannot acquire new words largely, but they can still use the Italian they learnt as an exchange student in their 20s, as long as they had a strong foundation. You don't forget passive knowledge. I spent five months in Germany, speaking only German, and when I got back to the UK it took me about two or three weeks before I could comfortably speak in English again about what I had done. It also depends on what you're talking about - talking about my school years always came naturally, of course, as would be expected, because I had attended school in English. It would be if it didn't. Talking about my work in Germany to this day remains difficult in English, even though it's my first language, because I have such strong associations of it in German. I don't know how to say 'Freiwilliges Soziales Jahr' or 'Landschulheim' or 'Betreuungsgruppe' in English, because I never had to.

This is SO important. In polyglot circles there is as much talk of maintaining languages as of learning them and that's because it's recognised that language maintainance is critically important. There's also a lot of talk of reactivating languages - of spending an intense short time period re-immersing yourself in that language in order to be able to speak it again. So if you feel your speaking skills are slipping because, well, you don't speak: that's to be expected, and it's completely fine, not something to beat yourself up about.

It's also semi-wild. I don't recall learning a lot of the German I have learnt because I was fairly young, and learnt through immersion with books and so often lack exact translations. But it's wild to me that if you slapped, I don't know, the Brothers Grimm in front of me and asked me to read it, I could do it without any problem. But if you asked me in English to tell you what essentially any of the more uncommon fairytale-like words used in such stories were in German, I'd have absolutely no idea. Pail? Calluses? Scabbard? Gizzard? ? No idea.

But my brain hasn't forgotten; it's just deemed these are not useful words for me to be able to access quickly.

But isn't that actually so exciting?? Think of how long it's taken you to get this far with your target language. That's not actually that long.

And think of everything you could do, and will do, within the next ten years.

加油！

- 梅晨曦

[bearmustard]

2021 Fic/Writing Goals

Ok, so, I go away for every new years and therefore I totally forgot to do a 2020 wrap up post, but I’m getting back on the writing horse after a crazy Nov/Dec period and wanted to make some commitments! 

I was SO proud that in 2020 I came back to fic writing, and published new fic for the first time in a decade (find them here and here!) I am also SUPER proud of both of those fics, and their reception has ABSOLUTELY given me the confidence to keep writing, so thank you so much to everyone for your encouragement. I especially want to thank @sashinalash, @twopoppies and @lululawrence, as well as the rest of the Panic Room GC, for their encouragement, support and cheerleading. I honestly could not have done it without you. 

Now, onto the 2021 fic writing goals!! 

Overall word count goal 

50,000 words - If I write all the fics I plan I will easily make this, but I have learned not to overestimate myself haha. This seems reasonable, with plenty of room for improvement :)

1D Fic: 

5x Fest Fic - This is due in 10 days, and I cannot wait to share it with you all. I have had it planned, blocked and (semi) drafted since Oct, so I’m on the home stretch. It is gonna hurt and I’m so sorry/not sorry at all. I wish I could say more. You’re just gonna have to read them all to guess which is mine!! 

In Those Years Pt 2 - The second instalment of my In Those Years series, and the follow up to At Risk I Fold, set throughout 2016, is story blocked but not drafted... yet. I am hoping to get it done by the end of the year but this is something I want to take my time on to get right, so it might take me a while. Who knows what will happen to inspire me?!

Melbourne Pubs AU - Another WIP I am sitting on that I am regularly thinking about - who knows if this will be finished this year but I am putting it here because Emma/ @sashinalash keeps egging me on. 

SPN Fic

If you haven’t noticed, I’ve kinda fallen deeply back in love with SPN in the past few months (over 12 years since I left the fandom whoops). I have two WIPS that I’m thinking about: 

Civilian - WIP - SPN/Generation Kill crossover (Alternate Season 5?) - In which pre-Series Dean joins the marines and goes to iraq, and Sam doesn’t find out until after Lucifer Rising. I have snippets of this written on my phone but it’s a bit all over the place right now. I guess I’ll just HAVE to rewatch Generation Kill (what a chore lmao). Most importantly, though, I have made a playlist, which means I’m serious about getting it done.

Alternate Season 12 WIP - Dean centric (duh) fic in which Amara brings back Charlie instead of Mary at the end of season 11, and lots of character work ensues. A really character based/figuring my shit out fic with lots of characters calling each other out on their bullshit. This will likely take me a while to write but I’m thinking about it a lot. 

Dark Angel Fic 

People who have been following me for a LONG TIME know that my original fandom is Dark Angel, which I recently rewatched. 

Escape and Evade AU WIP - ok, I have had this fic in my head since 2006 - and in my recent rewatch I finally solved how I was going to approach it. This is a deep cut fic that probably no one will read but it is so near and dear to my heart that I am putting it on the writing list anyway. 

Dark Angel Character Studies/Episode Codas - I also want to build my repertoire with a bunch of shorter DA character studies in prep for the fic. Putting these here as a goal because I am more likely to finish these than anything else. 

Tumblr Drabbles

Last year I published a bunch of my old tumblr drabbles and was surprised by how much I liked them, so I want to get back to taking ask prompts for short fics in any of my active fandoms. Good exercise! 

 I don’t know if anyone else has set goals but I thought I’d tag some people in case they want to do it: 

@harryanthus, @harryrainbows, @mercurial-madhouse, @lululawrence, @jacaranda-bloom, @reminiscingintherain, @cuethetommo, @twopoppies, @sashinalash, @indiaalphawhiskey, @cupcakentea, @choface, @heriz, @stunning-stylinson, @crinkle-eyed-boo, @cyantific and anyone else who is so inclined! 

[unproduciblesmackdown]

returning the favor: do you have any hcs re: winston, past or present, that you haven't expounded upon before or at length or just feel like talking about again. whatever you like

Thank You.......yeah idk really what hc's i've like "officially" described here that often lol, but then also there's that whole complication where i don't really ever come up with ideas & when asked anything i'm probably going [???] like, classics like "what do you like out of [broad parameter]" & it's like damn....i dunno. what ideas do i have about winsotn who i've thought about every day for > 2 yrs??? that's tough.....& Then the further chaos of like, when i do have hc's or w/e it's less discrete, concrete invented ideas & more towards the end of the spectrum that's like "well i kinda interpret this part of canon vaguely this way" &/or "i have This vague notion that i haven't solidified into a pretend fact or that i'm not at all committed to or take that seriously" where it's like, not only is this not really nailed down but it's basically free floating / i might have other ideas that would contradict each other lol. seems like a more concise list of Stats that are fully/exclusively my ideas is more exciting, but instead i can offer vague "i dunno / what ifs" based on vibes that i verbosely describe lmao, plus i'll forget a bunch of ideas i may have had i'm sure but you know. what else have i ever offered; never really trying to sell this material to otherwise uninterested parties or only make posts that guaranteed more than one person might enjoy, why would i be starting now; and ig if i write a bunch of stuff here & go "oh & i forgot like a half dozen obvious things" i can add on to it if it's a big deal.....plus it's always tricky with billions in particular being vague abt its own characters lmao, we only see [outside of work] personal stuff if it's going to become directly tied to [definitely at work] professional plotlines, or Maybe glimpse some character contextualizing things for the more central characters....side characters have more blanks to fill but also that means. just more that's blank lol & kinda a mystery of Up To Interpretation.....i figured one way to have any structure for this at all is to have a part looking at each winston involving episode's info. well anyways, after this meandering intro that kind of illustrates how i'm sure the rest of things will go here lol, i'm just gonna throw a bunch of stuff down in general. thanks again for the prompt to do so, b/c why not

really the one concrete discrete idea i have which isn't in the canon text is, of course: he is autistic

does he Know? idk. either way, think he's pretty aware of how he operates (& how he Can't operate), but if he doesn't know that's probably more for the "also: he's self loathing, which was basically textually implied" stuff lol. just mentioned it but i do always enjoy the tayston idea that taylor's talking abt in the past having it floated by a therapist/s or whomever that they could be autistic, them considering it but it not applying; winston going "hmm" & doing his own considering & researching & then maybe exclusively sharing the news w/taylor....but of course, maybe he's figured it out himself at some point before. i do think he'd figure it out himself though rather than anyone else directly suggesting it (maybe out here being diagnosed with "just the guy who sucks who we don't like / won't act right or normal" sort of usual experience) & i think, if he knows, he's not about to want ppl at work to know, b/c not as though anyone (but taylor & other quants) particularly seems to be impressed by his quanting proficiency, but he sure gets some validation/affirmation through that route (more re: that of course) and knows that ppl going "oh he's autistic so of course he's better at Doing Math / computer stuff as a like, mechanical efficiency sort of thing" or whatever. and the fact that taylor can interact with him / gives him some leeway to generally do his thing means he's kind of already got space to operate how he operates, see the start of this section....and idk. transitioning into the next section ig

just an Interpretation Of Canon thing here but, re: how these characters generally operate & what their reason is for being around doing stuff in the first place, i guess it's that winston does genuinely like to do & is interested in the math/coding stuff involved here, was also genuinely interested in working for taylor specifically (whatever The Hype specifically was), then you have taylor having the "despite your demeanor, your skills are superior" stance & appreciating what he can do & letting him do it by hiring him for real & all, & here we are, Q is for Quantitative, baby......he must find it rewarding enough to be getting to do this quanting stuff and also, the potential for validation when anyone recognizes he's good at it & by extension finds something about him good & wants him around to any degree

okay just that Episode By Episode stuff for a section here

3x03:

kinda extra room for interpretation b/c this was written as a one off character and reintroducing him in 3x09, written to be recurring, feels like it kinda offers a Soft Reboot for what we got here, where i guess how i take things is that we can suppose in both 3x03 & 3x09 winston's putting on a deliberate Performance to some degree based on what he thinks the potential employer wants to see, but it's also not completely fake / inaccurate either time, & like, maybe the 3x03 vibe wasn't a type of performance he'd only just ever put on for this axe cap interview, & even if it was deliberately bold maybe he was sort of thinking he Could bank on his value as a quant meaning he holds most of the cards (or can get away with acting like it)

building on that & as a More General point of interpretation again: think it's easy to suppose winston could've had an existence w/many elements of frustrations & disappointments & Rejection, but where like, he did figure out these areas of interest & proficiency that seemed to be a more positive force in his life, & leaned into them / focused on them further for it, & i could see him focusing on milestones / graduating from one thing to the next & conceptualizing like, well, if i just get to This point by working on This thing then i'll have it together & be able to move through existence more successfully, like, there's winston going into undergrad & kind of disappointed he's not having that good a time socially / feels like he's missing out / being left out still, but he can be like, well that's fine (: i'm totally fine abt it b/c i'm focusing on the Education & Experience here & when i'm entering the job market as an amazing quant anyone would want to hire then ppl will be seeing me in a positive light & things will fall into place / go great for me / i'll feel like i fit in & am doing things right within some structure. & i think maybe he Did have all those other job offers / opportunities & he was at least partly feeling a bit "objectively" confident, & also maybe just hoping he Could be that confident & that, you know, if he goes ahead & acts like that's the case, it could be confirmed / become true....anyways then obviously disillusionment time

since his outfits are introduced here: more "just how i'm interpreting canon" stuff in that i do just suppose he is mostly focusing on comfort & it'd kinda get in the way of things if he couldn't. flipflops might've been a statement piece but also i figure at least in part about the comfort / lack of much opportunity for restriction or ill fit or chafing texture or anything, same goes re: pants & shirts. interesting he likes to wear the patterned layers but doesn't really wear like, stripes or plaid ever. plus it could well be that Just A Tee is too informal unless you're the formalest of all by virtue of position, i.e. the ceo, but also we sure often enough see him wearing hoodies &/or multiple layers, like, maybe that's just for warmth or weight or what have you, always considering "what if it's about being self conchy as well (different way of saying self conscious)"

3x09:

so yeah with winston not having taken another job (at least maybe only like, temporary ones as these self contained gigs / just something to pay the bills) figure it's been a Depressive Period for him here lol & deliberately going on a journey of like self reflection / examination & going "haha yeah hated what i saw" is like, i don't think the self loathing is anything new, the confidence in 3x03 kind of an optimistic bandaid lol like well here's the new me as i understand / hypothesize / hope he could be, totally confident in being backed up by how valuable he is as a quant, then taylor kind of ripped that off and wound's open again but that wound was also not brand new or something he was unaware of / that didn't affect him before now

re: math meetup, i can see that being him presenting more evidence of his talent as a quant but also specifically going "see, i do this collaborative thing" to present this more conciliatory and cooperative approach to taylor, & am also taking it as evidence that he really does Enjoy math / coding stuff beyond it simply being a means to a professional end. i also like to think he has been / continues going to math meetup regularly, at least once a month, maybe every other week, and that it's this semi social event, like the relevant irl group you found back in the day that like, meets up for pizza before and drinks afterwards. i also like to think that, like, while he might come off as A Bit Much during said math meetup / just speak up frequently enough and often enough with some insistence lol, people Are there to meet up about the math and his contributions Are valued despite if his delivery/approach isn't always endearing or whatever. and even if he's not really popular / warmly embraced in the more [socializing event] bookends of the meetup, he's perfectly tolerated, and there's even a person or two or three (also regular attendees) who do vibe with him enough to like, invite / even want him to sit with them / talk with them outside that Math Setting. math meetup pals, maybe he doesn't meet up with these people outside these events but maybe they have each other's contacts and sometimes text. not these intimate personal relationships, but still something real and positive and refreshing. it'd be nice if math meetup could kinda be like what he hoped for from quanting, this way his math lets him "qualify" to access this group / activity, his aptitude "making up for" perceived lack of interpersonal / social charm & charisma & what have you, & having some reliably friendly people around even if of course that's not on its own going to mean he's totally socially fulfilled / not often lonely or anything. hc: he's often lonely & not totally socially fulfilled

he does, of course, want to work for taylor specifically, as long as they want him to, and this is sort of his second chance to find validation through working as a quant lol. think that yeah sure winston likes validation in general, who doesn't but also of course he's maybe a bit Above Average sensitive to / keen on it, but he'll also care about Affirmation if it's coming from people whose opinion he particularly values. think that it's easy to suppose he's also especially sensitive to taylor's assessments here thanks to the fact they really hit a (raw) nerve with him like, sure is the potential to get caught up in feedback loop city & say, have a few months mired in self loathing & an especial lack of certainty & confidence, if someone's kinda gone "i hate your self hatred" lol, but he also Did have this especial interest in / high opinion of taylor before that 3x03 interview, & so that's what continues to be part of it here

but then also interpreting that second 3x09 scene as like, he Does independently Know His Value as a quant and yknow not only has his pride but also can't and isn't going to first and foremost focus on trying to socially perform being peak Accommodating and Appealing here lol. but he still cares about what taylor thinks, wants to work for/with them, and i think it was Mutually Appreciated in the last scene that there was Mutual Effort to cooperate w/the other, giving him a Cue instead of just being mad & obfuscating it unless & until giving up on him completely or w/e is Constructive. interpreting winston as someone who sure can be a bit petty on purpose, especially in the face of some wounded pride (where he seems to take pride in his quant abilities & maybe not much of anything else: see the self loathing otherwise), but isn't really one to be deliberately antagonistic, especially not towards, yknow, the person he specifically wants to appeal to, but he also knows he can come off as grating whether inadvertently or not, so he might be testing the waters a little as well

3x11

he's using headphones even though no one else is in the room, that's a preference / he may also just like to block out other sound in general, as there's no audio of [winston's music faintly playing as / before he takes off his headphones] or indication he paused anything. does he like metal, what with the yngwie malmsteen reference? maybe, but that might just be a Billions Reference thing that isn't meant to indicate much / anything abt the specific character. i don't have any hcs about it anyways besides "okay" if so

first time we see his watch, it's not the calculator watch until s5 but i am a fan of said calc watch....gotta suppose it could represent him being here for the math of it all, what with how fancy/expensive watches are kinda the whole like status / power play thing, and a calculator watch is, afaik, not expensive, these casio calculator watch listings i'm seeing are all priced like, $15 to $25 range. so.

2nd scene is the first time we see sleeves pushed up, a frequent choice, maybe if he's focusing sleeves against forearms / Wrists & Hands can be bothersome. also not the first time he puts his hands in his pockets but i think that's a deliberate choice for winston's sort of Default Pose, equate it to the choice to have jared hang / hold on to his backpack straps.

guess he can also be a bit petty / rude / grating on purpose if ppl are getting in the way of his mathing / coding or otherwise thwarting it, at least probably taylor can relate / sympathize what with them wanting to Get It Right / being bothered if people get it wrong but could've avoided this

noticing all the caffeine and the fact he maybe didn't leave the basement / was powering through that project All At Once....just noting that down as a potential Approach, wanting to not interrupt focus &/or bear down & keep a fairly intense pace until it's finished / stay in the zone or what have you

definitely doing some deliberately cocky Testing / pushing back / amicable power struggle with taylor there, confirming he does have leverage due to that quanting ability after all, Despite His Demeanor / not being "sweet"

by this point definitely consciously kinda wants taylor to rail him.

4x03

i have no concrete hc's of instances inspiring winston to think he's "always seeing the future" but god i wish he did. he's right a lot though, maybe he just notices as much lol

talking mostly to taylor here, then concluding with "i only thought it but didn't say it; doesn't count....damnit." like he wants Their validation thanks, even if recognizing his Win here still wouldn't help them either way....also first time we see him w/coworkers for real, he's really freely Interacting.....time to go ahead and say he'd like to be work friends / at least have friendly interactions at work, might be a bit desperate for such positive social interactions, especially in this environment where he thinks the "objectively" good thing about him is most relevant, but it's cringe & fail (&/or vulnerable to Attack) to outright Want something, like validation / affirmation / a positive response or a simple "yeah you're right" "positive" response

first Space Shirt, followed by ones that are like, also &/Or Sci Fi Shirts. does he like space? i guess so

he's autistic

4x08

here & in 4x11, we don't know how he's gotten this info about taylor re: the arc w/their dad or with axe cap, but he's apparently mused on it on his own like this & isn't just quoting what someone else told him about how taylor must feel about xyz & how that might apply to the situations at hand, even though (unless he cassandra'd it) he wouldn't've had that much cause to suppose it'd definitely be relevant to have ideas about how taylor feels / is navigating a situation & why, maybe he just likes to be prepared like that / stay in the loop but yknow, maybe he's just also interested in them as a person beyond what's most immediately relevant to him doing quant stuff for them

he's already done the sort of kicking himself / wincing / apologizing or agreeing he fucked up an exchange thing before but, the genuine disappointment / momentary discouragement in it always lol....self loathing guy

love how he has these little like, clarifying explanations of things. "total control of the instrument," "always seeing the future," "because i win".....he's out here wanting to communicate to connect & to be understood, not so much as a potential for a power play / status climb and thus a conflict.....can see ppl who are used to / Do see interactions in that light to interpret winston yelling about having won as a like, rubbing it in people's faces show of superiority thing, but pretty sure he's just excited and wants a high five

4x11

having talked about the fact none of the desks in the tmc hq main floor seem to be winston's (& knowing that Could just be wroland not being reliably available to be in the bg of shots lol, analyzing s4 shots for some Consistently Empty desk) but it is fun to also consider that maybe tmc Could've had a secret extension in that that quant haunt in the basement was kept. a little more furnishing and it could be pretty chill, even though the lack of windows might not always be ideal. where's he sit!

also the whole "guy who'd be the first one smothered" moment like, guess i could've mentioned it in 3x03 more but yeah my Headcanon here is that winston maybe has a master's degree, not a phd though (him saying "50 phds" in 3x11 i think was meant to differentiate from him on both points, aka he's 1 guy, without a phd) & this is his first "real" job in any field. b/c i'm guessing like, people are here to get Paid, but as mentioned w/the watch (& just how winston acts in general, he doesn't really seem like he's raring to show off / really take advantage of having money or anything) it doesn't seem like he's, like, the "exceptionally focusing on personally making as much as possible" guy, and lauren's remark seems to emphasize / place the context on winston just not having like, savings from prior salaried years at a job or anything, more of a practical matter, maybe he's out here hoping for some more financial security, also they are all living in nyc, so. on that note, maybe he has an okay apartment but like, not without problems / not absolutely ideal, but it's okay. this would just be Convenient as an hc also lol

don't think the monologue was completely memorized, but it wasn't completely off the cuff either, he'd maybe been brainstorming scripts in his head / had some particular parts solidified word for word, but also hardly think he was guaranteed planning to deliver an admonishlogue at all, seems like it was some important factors that he was just kind of already irritated, nobody was listening / people Were social pressuring him to drop it or not interested in entertaining like "yeah i think you should talk to taylor about it" at all, think it was clear that talking to others was only going to lead to them telling him to drop it / trying to not have anyone say anything to taylor, and then that taylor just jumped in, which i hardly think he was hoping for

always Something that we can expressly see winston moving to sit down in that soon to be empty meeting room as everyone else is clearly filing out lol, like, can see how he might not be able to go "well, back to work" immediately and need some irritation / feeling like shit / guess who just got yeeellllllllllled aaaaaat to burn off, might need some time to absorb "well i guess i just deferred so no bonus as was probably expected," but can also suppose that maybe when winston gets majorly Shut Down he has shutdowns. saying all of four words in the wake of things, otherwise the fact he has this approach of tensing up, not talking at all, kind of just holding onto eye contact as his last way of "properly" participating in the exchange w/o bailing entirely, while also outwardly withering, like clearly these kinds of moments are pretty significantly affecting....feels like he could find it difficult to talk much, or at all, in the wake of some / need some time to recuperate a bit & have some distance & quiet & not just jump back into work like he's having a fine and normal time. sometimes pondering like, not only those notions like taylor insisting winston not be Interrupted when he hasn't technically started talking yet (giving him the buffering / latency time) but also like, fun kinda imagining them sitting across from each other having a texting conversation....or times winston would rather have an exchange via email......or make use of the sticky notes......or just have taylor talking to him and picking up on his nonverbal responses

winston's very Not present in tmc meetups / get togethers this season & again we know that this could be because his actor wasn't very available but it's still the case In Canon that there's only so many tmcers and they're all seeing each other outside work / market hours for varyingly formal or informal purposes & he's never included. & simultaneously hold the hc's that he could be choosing not to go or he could just never be invited in the first place l o l.....in either of these situations the reason for declining to go or being excluded could be up to "b/c other ppl don't like having him around" and idk, best case scenario is he doesn't want to go for some other reason, but he acts pretty okay with the All Hands meetups we do see / when in meetings with the other named employees he's pretty raring to interact with them, so :/

4x12

i do like to think it's fun to imagine What If Taylor Had A Phonecall With Winston Before This Monologue; someone once told me that explaining is an admission of failure, i'm sure you remember, i was on the phone with you, sweetheart.....just them both having a more sympathetic approach with each other and a sort of dialed back reconciliation, tbt 3x09, without an audience / roomful of other people

do think that his wearing a tmc logo tee into axe cap hq was a deliberate Statement Piece, like wearing flipflops into axe cap in his true first time being there lol

first time we see the backpack, & the headphones (in this season), like the point you (nothingunrealistic) made about the backpack possibly kind of exerting pressure / compression in a Sensory Way. let's see it again

as good a time as any to bring up how it's such a consistent pattern that it Must be a choice that winston smiles in this direction :/ and grimaces / winces / frowns this way :\ but a choice of the actor of course, was it ever a conscious thing on winston's end, would not put it beyond the realm of possibility he's ever consciously thought of stuff like "even if words fail me(tm) i Gotta hang on to eye contact".....i'm thinking of times he is smiling hard enough that you just gotta do it more symmetrically, like here in 4x12

5x01

he likes bagels

think that this could've been another case of "people who are used to interactions used for conflict / power plays / stepping on other people to status climb (axe cappers in general, maybe team ben having to be extra prone to be on the lookout for these strategies when they're more often on the receiving end of them) misinterpreting winston socializing as means of connection (wanting to talk about the common work thread / interest with coworkers)"

even if for some reason quants were cold shouldering axe cappers like, a sound strategy even if team ben are worthy exceptions. Winston Can Get Petty When People Blame Quants Talking About Being Quants For Axe Cappers Harassing Tmc & also when in the process of doing so everyone's like "also you're smarter than us but no you're not, any math quants could do fundamental analysts could do better" like, winston getting more deliberately antagonistic when ppl are going after his Math Aptitude / value as a quant when that's his "objective" point of pride & confidence & possibly like haha self loathing can't get me here

5x02

winston's decimal points being more precise here i think indicates that the show is not taking the stance of "yeah the quants are just any old analysts with an attitude of superiority" lol

do think he selected that particular seating placement b/c it's like, hey furthest away from axe cap, most aligned with taylor's desk & angled towards it, perfect.....what a letdown

guess this episode suggests he and mafee have chats sometimes, and winston maybe confides At All Sensitive Info w/the guy? bold

always just smh like well thank god we were given this subplot where winston was a plot device really for dollar bill's arc or whatever............what a gift

5x03

just noticing as always how winston is the one person saying they should go for it vs the other two's skepticism / trepidation, and taylor decides to go for it.....they do value his input / trust his judgment

i am also noticing how often winston, as the math guy who doesn't really fit in w/ the whole axe / caply approach & style, has this role in giving taylor these crucial opportunities to pursue their own direction rather than be mired down in the misery of axe cap determining everything....3x11 & his algorithm letting them break completely away from axe cap, 4x11 & his admonishlogue making some Points & then next episode taylor does decide to abandon the revenge jag & says they were wrong & they're sorry....5x03 & this nlp strategy plotline being the first thing taylor could actively pursue for tmc after 2 eps of being dragged painfully through axe cap nonsense, & the fact this, in the next episode, leads to the Impact Fund idea / mase carb

5x04

see that last point

5x05

guess that until confirmed, The Glances being significant is a Headcanon Interpretation lol. anyways i do like taylor giving him these discreet, nonverbal cues as a very deliberate method of communication titrated betwixt them

oh right and an Age Cue here, before that was nailed down i think i already hc'd winston as either the same age as, or a year older than taylor, and that's still true lol, think that's how it goes with the timelines (taylor's being kinda uncertain, and winston's as well, having prior just kinda gone "well if taylor's 22 when they show up as the typical post undergrad age, and each season spans approx a year, and maybe winston spent just a year or two post undergrad getting a master's b/c nothing nails down how long it would take & he could've kinda been ahead of the curve as it were, he could be, say, 23 thru 25 in s3 when he shows up, to taylor's Maybe 23" as the Idea)

just wants to work for taylor as long as they'll have him, but would also like to be openly valued / affirmed on a pretty basic level lol...

one of those matters that's like, i do think that this is what the material is Trying to convey but it's not concrete / explicit, in that i think winston somewhat Likes rian right off lol like. i mean he's also still annoyed on principle, this is maybe his replacement & that stings that it's even a possibility & of course he has reason to want to feel like "oh well this person Clearly sucks" lol, but then there he is trying to scope out the situation & get immediate intel & it's like, here's this fellow 20something you immediately think is pretty (the mental comparison to an A lister as a dunk, lmao) & you see her being perfectly friendly with your nice coworker you're also friendly enough with, that's one degree of separation, now here he comes talking about how cool & epic & smart & capable she is, again makes sense he's still first & foremost bothered by the situation & has cause to just be more jealous about how well everyone immediately thinks of her (see: winston making bad first impressions that may never be undone, the fact other coworkers were probably never going around openly impressed with / praising him after meeting him for 5 sec, or like, ever) but i suppose this immediate underlying sense of attraction / affinity hits in that First Sighting as well

love that we see the feet up on the desk show of confidence again, very funny & glad it's back.....a tool in his arsenal for when he's Very Bothered But (unsuccessfully) Acting Very Unbothered / when he's trying to pitch for his employment lol

when did he have a first gf? perfect time for an hc.....feels like it'd have been like, idk, older high schoolers at the youngest, that kind of emotional commentary....or in college. sometimes pondering the idea like, what if he had a bf first actually.....or not, & Feeling A Way around other guys sometimes like, hmm guess i think this guy is pretty cool &/or i'm kinda like "god i wish that were me" about, then some more noticeable Tension as he's older even if he can't really discern the reason b/c this person's pretty nice & cool actually, hmm. then one day you're doing hw together with a while for code to compile & Oh Hey Lol

meanwhile think clearly rian defuses the Reason For Rivalry (and also clearly immediately likes him / interacting with him & you know, outright sticks up for him & in this significant way) & then when they connect over Math it's all coming together very outright like Oh Hey Lol 😳

also he Gets Right Back To Work easily enough, & like, i think already there's a deliberate performance of "i'm now totally unbothered," but he's just pretty good at shaking things off apparently. & he kind of has to be, to not bail completely or else tamp down his own personality / avoid interactions, but you know. plus that like, he may get irritated when his pride's wounded but around here people can have a whole crisis & arc about it if their egos are bruised in the slightest, so like. pretty blasé

5x06

this isn't really any hc or Interpretation by any stretch but this is the first time we've seen winston pull that particular attitude in that second scene with rian and it's beautiful.....if something's bothering him he's so often like outright indignant but this is like, i'm Bothered but i'm being so dignant about it, for like 4 sec

also the bright green hoodie / bright, high contrast, geometric blockbuster tee is so Vivid but like, always noting how he wears relatively colorful outfits. fun to go "maybe this one's deliberately extra eye catching b/c of this new crush" lol

5x07

the difficulty in reading that much into things when the lack of sobriety could be making any & everything an outlier, & can't even really read into "apparently down to take stimulants (beyond caffeine) on a dime" b/c well, so is everyone else, so that this situation can unfold, we knew he had a crush on rian (or i guess we didn't, but this is pretty direct about it), we knew he likes validation, taylor Knows him well enough that it's not just like "oh he's acting weird? well that's winston for you" to them, which we also knew but it's fun to confirm further lol

and now for some more free floating / general concepts

family? i have no idea. feel like he either has no siblings or several but yknow, anything's possible. we know what he's like Now, don't think he got that solid self esteem / self confidence as an emergent quality from [everything that happened to him before 3x03] & don't suppose he has this like, rock solid close warm familial relationship of understanding & unconditional love & support w/whoever he grew up with, parents or siblings or whoever he lived with....like, the relationship/s could be Fine but you know, still not all that close

i don't think he was every completely friendless (or if he was, it didn't last Too long) in terms of like, throughout school maybe he had some pals, no amazing close [fingers crossed Like That] ones where someone had like, grown up as his next door bestie and they did everything together & knew everything about each other, nothing all that close, but he had people to sit with at lunch or what have you, even if at times like, the table nobody else really sits at but the people who don't have anywhere else to sit lmao. maybe some slightly closer friendships here & there, but people often kind of got subsumed into other friend groups that he wasn't otherwise a part of / otherwise just kind of gradually distanced again...but also possible he had perfectly amicable occasions of like, maybe only having a class or two with certain people, not striking up intimate friendships but hitting it off well enough.........like, winston's out here Not having been stomped down into suppressing his personality all the time, he's still fairly earnest & forthcoming & eager to connect, just sort of vaguely going for "he maybe have always had this element of discouragement & disappointment re: socializing / connecting / forming relationships / sometimes just being accepted on a basic level, but he also didn't have his spirit totally extinguished either" although there's also the room for stuff like, yknow, him Holding Out Hope like "well nobody likes me now / i'm unhappy but maybe once i'm in college [gets to college & still isn't having a great time] okay well once i Enter The Workforce" lol. you know

but it's also like, hardly think he's Only Just Now experiencing the [winston: ___ everyone: get his ass] type stuff & pushback & punishment & disdain over not really doing anything but people hate his style & vibe, & feel like there's also still room for like, yep wow got burned sometimes / having had some pretty negative experiences......we do have to end up in this place where, you know, 3x03 happens and he doesn't just go "guess finance isn't for me!" & dust himself off & go get some Guarantees from some tech firms, & instead he's Really Glad [Taylor] Called & hasn't taken some other more desired job between 3x03 & that call & is immediately like "good news: i do hate myself" so like, can't see him having just thrived his way to this point....evidently not all dating relationships have been just epic highs & victories, maybe he has those math meetup pals now & maybe idk there's other people he's in sort of in contact with, maybe people from college / grad school or the like, still not that close, figure he's generally been lonely like, overall, despite regularly enough seeking out / striving for connections

oh yeah speaking of, the idea that he has a cat maybe lol, in part simply for company, a little guy that lives in your house / apartment....but also maybe he doesn't

always just some general notions like, also idk maybe he engages in hobbies, talks to people through that just like with math meetup....talked about the Embroidery idea, got that computers/programming connection, was thinking like, idk fuck it amateur photography, develop your own film, maybe he took a class in college or high school or something, same with like, maybe he plays a musical instrument, said "the cello, why not" about that as an early [shrug] idea lol. he does like space, maybe he does Anything with that....rip to any astronomy clubs In Nyc like, guess you're not seeing shit, but. 4x11 au, after deferring his bonus he goes to some cool cinematographic celestial occasion like taylor & the sea glass fish carousel lmao. taylor catches up & they have their [i'm sure you remember, i was on the phone with you, sweetheart] exchange lol.....except also not, b/c you wouldn't really want to have Parallels with m/any moments ft. wendy & taylor :/

recalled like a particularly casual / throwaway idea about like "lol what if he was somewhat thalassophobic" in part b/c once actor william dropped that lore abt himself in an interview, but. could have somewhat some other phobia/s. or not really any! what a world

maybe sometimes he's out here like, single & ready to Fuck like, focusing on just hooking up w/people sometimes rather than really looking to date at the juncture, although it could both be true like, he'd Like to be dating but also doesn't really currently want to do all the Putting Himself Out There & such of seeking it out / trying to consciously navigate it, but sometimes it's more manageable like, just wanting to have sex. looking out for himself when he can & how he can lol

speaking of, some vague sexy hcs

gets pegged

especial fan of Tongue Against Tongue texture, enjoys some Grounding elements to avoid being overwhelmed / narrow things to the more relevant sensory input at hand, like the weight/pressure of a partner leaning / lying against him / holding him tightly, if he's overwhelmed in a good way / kinda got some sensory overflow in a good way he might cry during sex In A Good Way lol, took some time maybe in his Personal Sexual Experience to figure out some general differences in "what he doesn't like at all" or "what's off the table / too unpleasant for him at some times but Not necessarily at all times & might be completely enjoyable sometimes," like, am i willing to perform oral sex, am i willing & Enthusiastically so, is that way too much actually, it can be all of them at varying times....maybe in more everyday general situations he refrains from stims in front of others unless stressed enough, but while having sex with someone especially if at all nervous it's like, there can be this transition between repressing stims & being more unfiltered / uninhibited where they kind of build up & then come through in kicks only to be reined back in, either like, he simply does go for a more reined in approach the whole time or anyone else is willing to ride this out with him / he kind of has the time & space to figure out more of a flow, in which case he might still stim but you know, not as though people aren't used to stims in this situation, i.e. reacting to stimulation with movement & vocalization is at least expected & it could once again be like "well he's a bit weird with it but hey" lol or you know, not that some partners can't be understanding or have had experience w/similar partners. hardly make or break but this can be a vulnerable interaction here / hard to shake the self consciousness & sense of "i Do have to filter myself and act The Right Way" all at once just b/c you'd want to

hey and let him sing karaoke or something lmao, winston is as Dramatic as he is, he would give a performance. work in a way to let everyone who sings sing around lol, could throw in some Affectations so that it's like yeah winston can sing without having to be like "wow winston, when'd you become a trained broadway performer" lmao. imagine. which reminds me of the time will joked about like, oh yeah winston Gets That A Lot re: people recognizing he looks like the guy in deh, aka will roland....the limitations of "this is set in real nyc" including occasional references to recent / popular shows, fuck it maybe will roland does also exist in the billions universe. well anyways it would be fun. the karaoke anyways, and that he'd give a top tier Performance whether or not people are first and foremost enjoying his technical / artistic skill at the art of singing, it'd at least be personality infused and engaging

taking it way back to the ideas about winston's social misadventures in general, i'm sometimes considering for fics i never end up writing if he might have some like, misgivings / anxieties about like, is this person i Like acting like they maybe Like me back as some kind of elaborate joke, & maybe the caution comes from experience like you know, classic over the line "pranks" like asked out As A Joke, kissed As A Dare that he wasn't aware of, think there could be like, would be Friendship / friendly acquaintanceship experiences in there where such "pranks" / "jokes" / "messing with him" (and not in a good way) could happen, or even just you know, more Spontaneously, don't even know this person & he's treated as a joke for other ppl's entertainment, realizing at the time or retrospectively like oh maybe i was more being bullied then having any positive social interaction / getting to feel at least "included" or what have you, like, the idea of getting to hang out with a group as The Funny Guy, but he's had these experiences getting to hang out with a group & realize it's b/c they thought he was funny / Amusing in a laughing At him, not with him way, which is easy also b/c winston isn't really out here trying to be funny that we've seen lol. only realizing he was still being excluded after some time / distance from the situation, or escalating open hostility / just more blatant meanness / over the line shit from some people, maybe some stuff that just immediately feels shitty but he figured was just like, well idk, maybe that's normal & still friendly, maybe it also felt more outright embarrassing / demeaning at the time but it's like haha yeah you got me :'] at the time just to save any face lol.....possible unexpected / spontaneous amicability in his socializing history, but also shittiness, whether it's coming at him all at once or he's kind of holding out hope like, well, i just keep at it / have a Friendly attitude here and surely i'll make friends b/c if people didn't like me At All why are they talking to me / letting me be here at all.....

always kind of pondering Fashion Variation, we haven't seen it but it could be possible, musing on "what would he think Looks Good On Him / how does he feel capable of like, dressing for romantic success or what have you lol" like, was the vivid 5x06 outfit anything, cue the drawing like, a bralette & short shorts is shaking it up and could be a Felt Cute outfit and could also be comfortable enough....not always That much room in men's(tm) fashion before you start having to be aware of [Gender] and dunno that winston out here has had the inspiration / motivation / opportunity to consider / try out / explore but hey. what are we here for

just remembered that post like "uhh i just saw a guy crying in the library & then his phone alarm went off & he stopped crying, opened his laptop & started typing / it's called time management" lmao like winston's not out here having the Most amazing time, he could have such Time Management experiences of like, letting it out some on purpose but then reining it right back in, and/or just like some spontaneous paroxysms of crying for a minute or two more unexpectedly in a "do you ever [experience a tiny inconvenience] & realize the thread by which you're hanging on is quite thin" way or otherwise, you know, oops experienced this frustration & now i'm crying over it, or idk, just feeling a bit more vulnerable for whatever reason & something has unexpectedly plucked some emotional string attached to another string attached to another & the resonance = i'm crying now ig. he can't be Thriving out here & i don't think he's all about having such a stranglehold on emotions that he's like oh tf i Never cry (aside from having sex, in a good way)

although speaking of like, emotional repression, maybe he's out here just "good at" compartmentalizing some experiences lol in that "well anyways, back to work" way & stuff like, sure he knew he was risking it in 4x11 but it also did not seem to affect his dynamic with mafee at all lmao like wow.....

think that him not really having anything on his work desk is a choice / preference but also am not sure that that really applies to anything else lmao. what if he had a little plant. that'd be funny

oh yeah and the idea that winston might literally have like prophetic dreams & they're just kind of a nuisance to him but sometimes they can be plot devices in fics (that don't exist) about him kissing people

well i'm just calling it a night there lol but like, it always feels Lacking writing out hc's like, plenty of ideas but also hardly any, and yet the fact that other individual ideas are so Vague / casual that it wouldn't be like "oh i gotta share this via post or manifesting it some other way" so then it feels like, oh no, if i don't list absolutely Everything on something that's specifically a list of hc's, i can never talk about whatever gets left out......and just that like, i ought to have a bunch of really specific, concrete, unique Factoids about winston here to be of any interest but hey lmao. that hypothetical set of concepts is never gonna happen, & the Ultimate Comprehensive List Of Everything I've Ever Pondered Re: Winston is also going to be difficult lmfao (not as though that's what you've asked in the first place) but you know, we took a swing at things here & covered some ground & the thinking about & talking about winston never ends, & this isn't really a post meant to have broad appeal / if you're not already having fun reading vague musings about the quant then i'm sorry you're reading this after having read all that and gone "wow, i'm disappointed" lmao but hey, weird choices made to bring you to this point......also god knows plenty of hcs are more filed away under specific like [Tayston], [Benston], [Riawin] sort of things (lol, [Mafon]) b/c on the one hand, i find it easier to kind of think in Scenarios and the details particular to the "scenes" therein, but i am also not good at thinking of those scenarios! out here operating on vibes, he's autistic and wants to kiss taylor (also now rian but that's kinda right in canon, not just my head) and that's really the crucial info here

[canmom]

i was just reading your old dumbing of age posts, and also i've been carlaposting (see my #carla rutten tag if interested). There's still not a lot of carla appearances but she's been on my mind (maybe cause I always latch on to the most transhumanist character, even though they're usually not that transhumanist?) so I wonder if you have any carla thoughts you'd like to share from the four years since you made those doa posts

oh hi there! Glad those old livereads are still entertaining people. lessee...

ngl, when I read this ask I mostly just thought "who?" since I have definitely not been keeping up with Dumbing of Age in that period (or webcomics in general really - K6BD is the only one I check semi-regularly nowadays.)

I really need to add some of the webcomics I used to read to Tachiyomi (assuming they're supported), but they're in that awkward place where I remember the early strips well enough that they're not super exciting to reread, but I don't remember the later strips well enough to find my place or indeed, remember who any of these people are. some point I just need to lie down with, say, Gunnerkrigg Court or Honey Crab and catch up on what I've been missing.

anyway! you asked about Carla! a quick check of the wiki confirms she was the acerbic, roller skating, trans girl character, who I was very taken with at the time I read it. I guess she had a lasting impact on me, in that Dumbing of Age reminded me that 1. roller derby exists and 2. they let trans girls play it, which I have since made a couple of attempts to do (the most recent being cut off by the pandemic, but hopefully I won't have lost too much when it's safe to skate once more). so thanks for that one Carla! I wonder what sarcastic comment you'd make.

since I don't really remember this comic very well, that's about all I can say, but let me go on anyway.

I guess I'm no longer in a place where I fixate on any and all trans girl characters in fiction, and instead come at them from something of a more analytical perspective these days. Carla seems fun though!

I was totally unaware that she was based on a robot car who became a gynoid from It's Walky!; all that went right over my head so at the time I read the comic, she was just a surprisingly cool character. obviously a lot of trans girls identify with inanimate objects in some way - robots most often, but really can be anything - so if she does have a car TF fetish going on later, good for her lmao. sure hope someone showed her Adolescence of Utena.

from the handful of strips I re-sampled, I don't think I'd get along great with Carla - no doubt I'd take some of her constant stream of mean-but-not-serious jokes to heart, and we'd both get frustrated with each other. I guess you could argue some of that would be Willis's particular voice, and the somewhat affected, sharp exchanges of a gag-a-day webcomic, rather than something 'essential' to the character. it's curious to imagine how my own personality might get simplified and abstracted if I had to be a webcomic character.

uh, what else, what else? the business model of Dumbing of Age is pretty curious to me - not the patreon part, that's pretty universal now, but the part where he draws porn of his characters and sells it on Slipshine. I feel like it wouldn't be too difficult develop that into some kind of analysis of how the emotional connections we form with fictional characters factor into erotica, a niche that often goes unfulfilled hence fanfiction etc.; in any case Willis approaches it with a certain irony (you go on slipshine and the thumbnail says 'Walky does a sex'), I guess to puncture the likely embarassment of someone paying money for porn of a webcomic they like?

in any case, idk if it's just something he does for fun or like, a major source of income, but in any case it's unusual, since in my experience webcomics are usually either strictly sfw (the vast majority), strictly porn/sex comedy (e.g. I Roved Out, Oglaf, basically all the other content on Slipshine), or mostly sfw stories aimed at adults with the occasional nsfw scene as fits the narrative (e.g. Souls Foreclosed, Kill Six Billion Demons, The Less Than Epic Adventures of TJ and Amal, The Meek). 'read the story, now wanna pay for the porn?' seems like a model that makes some kind of cynical sense, so I'm surprised more authors don't adopt it.

Anyway, this is a little interesting because I have been wondering about making another attempt at creating a webcomic, since animation takes approximately forever to do so if I want to tell an original story, 'webcomic with occasional animation' in the manner of Homestuck, Honey Crab or Ava's Demon may work as a compromise. I don't think I could manage a perpetual, years-long webcomic. I have no idea how someone like Willis or the Schlock Mercenary guy (is that still going?) manages to keep producing enough material to fill up the buffer for all those years of daily comics but it's very impressive. Still, the comics I would aspire to draw like are the more 'graphic novel' kind, with big pages, varied panel layouts and camera angles, maybe even playing around with web tech to add a little interactivity and motion. Stuff that would keep it interesting and novel to create, punch through that ADHD.

Though thinking about it, Willis's strength is, I guess, much like Hussie - developing a huge cast of reasonably fleshed out characters, drawing them quickly on model with a variety of expressions, and having the confidence to synthesise storylines and let them play off each other. Many of the most successful webcomics lean on something similar: you can use all the gimmicky 'infinite canvas' techniques you want, and that can really accentuate a project and take it to another level, but the artistic Cordyceps that really worms its way into peoples' brains is "just" that character writing. Without that you still have nothing... good to remember...

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #442

“the more you suffer, the more it shows you really care, right?”

Would you ever sell your soul? No. Do you believe that something is going to happen in 2012? Welp, clearly not. I never believed it. Have you ever been to the Grand Canyon? No, but I'd love to! When was the last time you slept in someone else’s bed? Uhhh not since I visited Sara, I think. Do you like your music loud or at a reasonable level? Loud, for sure. Louder than I should listen to. Did the last person you kiss have a tattoo? No. What’s the last song you heard? "The Bird and the Worm" by The Used. Has anyone told you they missed you lately? No. What are you most likely to do when you’re exhausted; take a nap, drink some coffee, or go for a run to get yourself pumped up again? Naps definitely win. What are you most likely to pick if you got to choose your topic on a research paper; drug abuse, mental illness, or the death penalty? Mental illness, for sure. What is your favorite month of the year and why? October, bc aesthetic. What’s your least favorite animal? Probably wasps. They're mean fuckers that kill bees. What was your class song when you graduated? Some super shitty country song. Have you ever had to spend the night outside (not camping)? No. What`s the scariest living animal that you`ve petted? A tarantula, I'd say. She was a sweet rose hair that I literally did pet, which you absolutely should not do to tarantulas, but I knew nothing about them at the time. The urticating hairs on their abdomens cause serious itching, and I tell ya, that sure happened. So did you play old school Nintendo or Atari or Sega? If so which one? We had an old Atari for a long time. When/where did you meet your first love? In the hallway, during my sophomore year of high school. Is there anyone you dislike, that you have to see/speak to regularly? Hm, what qualifies as "regularly," really? I don't like my sister's husband, who I see semi-regularly, but I don't really talk to him. Does your family eat any unique foods for Thanksgiving that aren’t the norm? If so, what are they? Nah, not that I can think of. If you eat oatmeal, do you add water or milk to it? What is your favorite flavor? Milk; I don't like it with water. I only eat the apples and cinnamon kind. Was the last video you watched on YouTube a music video? If not, what was it of? It's a let's play. Have you ever been brave enough to cut your hair in a very different way? If you have, did you regret your decision after? Yes, and I still love it. What was the last book you had to read for school? Did you enjoy it, or were you just trying to get through? The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood. I loved it. Has anyone you know personally ever won the lottery? If so, how much did they win? Would/have you ever play(ed) the lottery? No to both questions. I have a very addictive personality, so I don't really mess with dangerous things that might tempt that behavior. What band/celebrity/etc. do you know the most information about? Who would you like to learn more about? Markiplier, ha ha. As for who I'd like to know more about... hm. Have your friends met the last person you kissed? Girt has. Who has made the biggest difference in your life? Jason. You get a text from someone saying that they want to hang out - who would you most like it to be from? Also Jason. -_- What is the name on your birth certificate (feel free to withhold your last name for privacy reasons)? Brittany Marie is all you need to know. Even if shopping isn’t your favorite... every girl has a favorite store. What’s yours? My favorite physical store is Hot Topic, but my favorite store overall is Rebel's Market, which I'm pretty sure is just an online source. Which type of undies do you wear most: Thongs, bikini/briefs, bootyshorts, or granny panties? Don't you dare laugh, I prefer "granny panties" lmfao. They're what I'm comfortable in, okay. How many nail polishes do you have, if you were to take a guess? *I* have none. Idk about Mom, but I know not a lot. Are you on birth control? Do you use condoms? I use birth control to regulate my period and ease cramps. If I was sexually active though, both would be musts for me. When did you start your period? How did you react? Who did you tell first? When I got home from school sometime in middle school. I don't remember exactly how old I was, but I was EXTREMELY upset. Like, I cried, because I didn't feel like a kid anymore. My mom was the first to know. Have you ever had sex while on your period? If so, would you ever do it again? NO NO NO NO THAT SOUNDS SO GROSS LKASDFJ;AJW;LKERJA;WEJLRKQWLKE;JR. Which way do you swing (boys, girls, or both)? I'm bi. Or pan. I really don't know. Tell me ALL about your longest/most serious relationship. Are you still in that relationship? How about I don't, because doing that I'm sure will send me in a PTSD spiral. No, we're no longer together. Who is your ALL TIME best friend (don’t count your boyfriend, either, silly!)? Sara. I don't think I've been as close with any other best friend. Which one of your friends has the best singing voice? SARAAAAAAAAAAA. What shade are you in foundation or concealer? I don't have a clue. I don't wear either. Have you ever showered with someone? Boy or girl? Were you completely naked? "Were you completely naked." No, I shower with underwear on. I've showered with my little sister as well as my best friend as a kid. I've never shared a shower as an adult and don't want to. Do you think you’re good enough for the person you like? No. Are you a cuddler or no? If I'm really into you, YUP. And if it's not hot. Wouldn’t it be kinda annoying to have to share a bed every night? No. I miss it sometimes. Have you ever walked on a beach at night? Yes. It's beautiful. Could you go the rest of your life without drinking alcohol? Pretty easily, yeah. Would you marry someone you didn’t love if you were paid 10 thousand dollars? No. I just wouldn't be able to stomach doing that. I'm solely marrying for love. Have you had sex today? I haven't in many years. Do you still care about your last ex? Very very much! Do you own more then one bathing suit? Nope. Is there any alcohol in the fridge? Yeah, but none I like. Who have you recently made up with after fighting? Nobody. Who do you WANT to make up with? Jason. Megan. Do you get scared easily? Hm. It really depends on the situation. Have you seen UP? Never the full movie, actually. I need to. How many coats of mascara do you use? I use it so rarely that I barely know. Two, maybe? What’s your favorite bracelet? The one Sara gave me. I used to always wear it, but it's worn down with time and is too loose for me now, so it's just with my jewelry. What color hair does your mom have? It's naturally gray now, but she dyes it black. Favorite song to listen to when you are mad? "Headache" by Motionless In White does it. What restaurant would you want to work at? NONE. I ain't working with hungry people. I don't want to work with people - period. When people ask “how are you?” do you say “good” even if you aren’t? Depends on who's asking. If it's a stranger or someone I barely know, odds are I'm just going to reply with "fine" or something like that. Were you honestly a good kid? Yes. Is anything wrong with your eyes? I have to wear glasses, so. Have you kissed or hugged anyone today? No. What is your mom’s and dad’s favorite TV show? I don't really know for either. Mom watches loads of shows, and I don't live with Dad, so. I know he really likes The Big Bang Theory, though, which Mom also loves. Have you ever suspected your mom or dad of having an affair? No, but ~supposedly~, Dad did with his now-wife. I don't know what the fuck is true between my parents, though. Do you think buying second hand clothes is gross? It depends on the type of clothing (ex., used underwear is a huge fucking no), as well as the state it's in. Does it gross you out when your parents kiss? They're divorced. That would be incredibly weird, uncomfortable, and impossible with how I know at least Mom feels towards Dad. Do you have a playlist made on YouTube? Yeah, multiple. Do you like dollar stores? I mean, sure? They have good deals occasionally and are a good option to stop for a quick snack or something. Mom doesn't actually *shop* in them, though. What’s the last thing you bought from one? I think a honeybun. Do you think it’s weird how babies are made? Well, yeah. Science can be crazy, though. Have you ever lost a friend over the opposite sex? No. Are you comfortable in a short skirt? I wouldn't be comfortable in ANY skirt. Do you and your family go on a vacation ever year? We essentially never do. Vacations cost money. We don't have money to spare. When you were going out with your last ex and you had the chance to date your celebrity crush, would you have left your bf/gf for them? No, because it's not like I know him personally, while I know her very deeply. Who was your most romantic moment with? Jason. Do you sweat easily? Like you wouldn't BELIEVE. A side effect of one (or even multiple) of my meds is hyperhidrosis, so I can sweat an ocean in two minutes, it seems. It's disgusting, and I am so self-conscious about it. What’s one memory you wish would just vanish? Just a specific moment with Jason that is particularly agonizing to recall. Are you in love with someone? No. Partying or watching a movie? Partying isn't my thing. I'd have more fun watching a movie with friends. What pisses you off the most? Child molesters/rapists, probably. Where do you want to be at a year from now? I just want a job by then, dude. I also hope I've lost a lot of weight. Do you like pickles? Only dill pickles. If you saw someone broken down on the side of the road, would you stop to help? Honestly, no. I don't trust people. What do you do with your plastic grocery bags after you unload your things? We put our plastic bags into one big bag for later use. Have you ever slept in a water bed? Yes. How often do you use Flickr? I don't. I only ever check my friend's for meerkat photos, ha ha. Share three nice memories you have of the person you fell hardest for. No, unless you want me to cry. Have you ever made any of your friends cry? Not deliberately of course, but yes. Do you look decent in your most recent photograph? God no, I look high. Out of all the guys you know, who would you trust to not cheat on you? Girt. I know he never would, especially because HE'S been cheated on. How do you plan on disciplining your children? NOT by physical means, I can tell you that much. If I actually had kids, I'd teach them through (hopefully) primarily deeply talking things out. If need be, there'd be time out, grounding, things like that. I do NOT support methods like spanking your kid, so that's a big no. If you could live in another country, would you? What country? Yes; Canada. If you could change your name, what would you change it to? Quinn, probably. What’s one health problem you wish you didn’t have? It's a tie between depression and anxiety. What is your cure for hiccups? NOTHING works for me. It's the worst. Did you ever do anything in class that annoyed other students? I mean, I don't think so. Have you used a Ouija board and had a freaky experience with it? I've never messed with one, and I don't want to. I don't know if I believe in their supernatural abilities or not, but I ain't fuckin around and finding out. Do you stick with a political party, or vote for who you like best? I pick based on their policies and morals, not necessarily their party. Do you know anyone who is an albino? No. Word search or crossword puzzle? Word searches. When you watch a game show, do you like to see people win or lose? Aw, who wants to see them lose? It's great to see people win and be so excited. Do you have a pair of fake redneck, vampire, etc. teeth? No. What is your favorite Pixar film? Finding Nemo. Do you get really mad when you lose a game? Not at all. I'm not very competitive, and games are about having fun. When was the last time you used a pay phone? I actually don't think I ever have. Who did you have your most amazing kiss with? Jason. Do you go to church every Sunday? I never go to church as I'm not religious. If you had to get famous for one of the following, which would you choose: music, acting, writing, modeling? Writing. What do you think of girls with huge boobs that don’t wear bras in public? Who the fuck cares. If they're comfortable and at least have a shirt on, let 'em. Most women have breasts, big whoop. Do you even like politics? God no. What’s it like at raves? Oh god, I'd never go. Have you ever had a dream in which you were making out, or more, with someone? lol yes

[blindprof]

It’s Complicated

When people first hear me say that I am blind or severely visually impaired (B/VI), the most common reaction is surprise…followed by sympathy…followed most often by awkward silence. This is totally understandable. Unless you are regularly interacting with differently abled people, disabilities are uncomfortable. I feel uncomfortable and awkward around people who live with other forms of disability.

Heck, I’m still awkward around other people who are B/VI. And even this is understandable. Because each person is unique. Each manifestation of visual impairment is unique. Each path to and with B/VI is unique. Each person has unique life experiences, coping mechanisms, support networks, etc. We are all strangers in a strange land. I’ll have other posts dedicated to the whack-a-doo personal and social psychology of B/VI. For now, the focus remains on the physical, or rather the perceptual.

The second reaction is usually a question: “How bad is it” or “What do you see?” And my answer is “It’s complicated.”

In my first post, I laid out some more technical details: I have a visual field that is less that 10 degrees, night blindness, color blindness, uncorrectable myopia, light sensitivity, etc. But it’s not apparent how these details really affect what I see and how that impacts what I can do. This post will go into greater detail into what and how I see. Later posts will focus on how I (try to, with varying levels of success, stupidity, and hilarity) cope with these limitations.

It probably makes sense to start with my visual field, as this is the aspect of my vision that “qualifies” me as legally blind. However, before getting to that, we really need a basic understanding of how humans see. Don’t worry, I’ll keep it short and simple.

It may be easiest to compare the eye to a modern digital camera. A camera lens gathers and focuses light; it also constrains the amount of light passing through by altering the size of a mechanical aperture. In the human eye, these functions are performed by the lens and the pupil, respectively. In a digital camera, the lens focus light onto a CCD or CMOS sensor, which is a dense grid of light sensitive “pixels,” each generating a small electrical charge proportional to how much light (within a certain wavelength) is hitting it. The human retina is the biological, electrochemical equivalent. Finally, a digital camera has wires that transport these electrical signals to a computer, which then interprets the signals to create a digital image. Here, the human analogues are the optic nerve and the visual cortex within the brain.

As I noted in my first post, I have Retinitis Pigmentosa (RP), which primarily impacts my retina. Due to the wonders of genetics and epigenetics, other parts are impacted. But for now, I’ll focus on the retina. Characteristically, people with RP find that their retinal “pixels”—millions of light-sensitive “rod” and “cone” structures, as well as protective retinal pigment epithelial (RPE) cells from which the disease gets its name—stop functioning from the outside in. We don’t know the exact cause, nor is there yet any proven way to slow, much less reverse the process.

Of course, this is a biological process that is unique to each individual. For me, it has progressed relatively slowly from childhood. I can recall early symptoms as far back as age 6. I’ll have a separate post at some point talking about progression. But it is notable the process is neither steady nor predictable. I’ll have periods of relative stability followed by periods of perceptible loss. It’s rarely like a light switch, but rather more like a dimmer. Each area of loss will appear darker with less usable information until it is just “clicked off” by the brain, presumably redirecting its limited processing resources to doing something other than trying to interpret shotty data from dying cells. For me, the progression has also been very spotty—for example, I retained some usable vision in the extremes of my left-right periphery until just a couple years ago, despite progressively losing most of my peripheral vision between there and my center.

The result today is that I have very little of my retina remaining that pretends to function “normally.” I can detect very high contrast light vs. dark in some of my periphery, but nothing there that you would qualify as usable sight. My central vision is still somewhat functional, but has been fading rapidly of late. As I said, it’s spotty, but on average in good light I have maybe 10-15 degrees total horizontal vision and less than 10 vertical. And much of that is probably equivalent to what most would consider to be peripheral vision. To help better “feel” what this means, here are a few examples of how this manifests itself in my day-to-day life.

When I’m sitting across a table from you, I can see your face but not your hands. If I’m not socially distant, I might be able to see your eyes or your mouth, but not both at the same time. I often creep people out during a conversation because I’m constantly losing eye contact and moving my eyes to different parts of their body. I promise, I’m not “undressing you with my eyes”—people talk with their entire bodies, and I’m simply trying to catch as many visual cues as possible.

When watching TV from 10 feet away, I can “see” my entire 55-inch screen. But less than a quarter of that is in my central vision. I have to move my eyes to see detail or read signs or captions. Sports and fast action scenes are difficult to catch. A fast action, dark scene with subtitles…oy…the Battle of Winterfell may as well have been a BBC Radio broadcast.

I can read, though usually only slowly and for short periods, especially if it is paper and ink. I see only a few words at a time, so my eyes have to constantly move. This causes a lot of eye strain, and I have trouble keeping both eyes properly oriented and occasionally have periods where one eye twitches uncontrollably—obviously I’m channeling my inner Mad-Eye Moody.

And of course, navigating unfamiliar or unpredictable environments is very difficult. I navigate by moving from waypoint to waypoint, and if I don’t know the waypoints or if things jump in my way, well, bad things happen. Or maybe funny things.

More on all of these and their many repercussions in future posts.

People ask, “What do you ‘see’ in the places where you have no vision? Is it blackness? Emptiness? Blurry?” Again, it’s complicated, but for the most part, my brain has just removed those areas from its visual processing “algorithm.” So, I see the same thing that you see when something is beyond your peripheral vision…just nothing. There are long periods of adjustment as I lose sight—kind of like losing a limb and still expecting it to be there. But eventually it’s just not a part of the picture that my brain paints of the world around me.

Unfortunately, that’s not all. Night blindness is often the first detected symptom for folks with RP. What is left of my retina doesn’t detect light well, so I need much more of it. The result is that I’m totally blind in low-light situations. I need direct light to see any kind of detail. I carry a flashlight everywhere I go and use it regularly day and night.

So, I need bright light. But it is also my nemesis. My eyes compensate like one would with a digital camera…by cranking open the aperture (pupil) and turning up the gain on the sensor. This does allow me to function semi-normally in certain situations. But it also results in severe light sensitivity. As with a camera, the wider pupil also results in loss of detail, and bright light can almost entirely wash any other visual information. To make matters even worse, although my pupils do function, they are VERY slow to adjust.

The results of all of that are varied. I’ll post more details in the future. But for example, I am no longer able to read a computer screen for any length of time without inverted colors. It’s like trying to read while staring at headlights. I truly need dark mode on all of my devices. Also, changing lighting conditions are challenging, especially when they are extreme. When I come in from outside, my eyes can take many minutes to adjust. And bright light sources like sunny windows in otherwise moderately lit environments can really cause havoc.

Finally, a common comorbidity with RP are cataracts, which cause hardening and blurring of the lens. Of course, this one hit me, as well. A number of years ago, I had cataract surgery. It was great. I was the youngest patient in the surgery center by like 30 years. The process involves using a magic wand to dissolve your natural lens and replacing it with a plastic one. This gets rid of the blurring, but entirely removes the ability to focus. As a bonus, I did go from needing coke bottle glasses to just needing a couple of diopters of correction. But this further complicates reading, and means I’m constantly donning and doffing my specs or having to look below them to read. Minor in the big scheme of things, but it does make me look and feel like a damn old fart.

Okay, if you made it this far, you deserve to be let off the hook for now. There’s more like the fact that my corneas—the eyes’ (usually) clear “lens caps”—now seem to cause my sight to remain blurry for the first couple of hours of each day. Or that the eye strain can sometimes get so physically painful that I have to close my eyes for long periods during the day. But this is a mostly complete and accurate snapshot of what I’m currently living with physically.

I guess I didn’t present too many funny or uplifting or forward-looking things in here. Truth is, you kind of have to muddle along with me through these sewers to eventually find the humor and hope in all of this. Because it’s complicated. But I’ll get there if you’re patient.

[lovemesomesurveys]

1. How would you describe your relationship with your hair over the years? Well, back in 2015 I bleached and then dyed my hair red, which was a huge change for me, and I absolutely loved it. I’ve kept up with it ever since, getting it done regularly for the first couple years and then started slacking the last few. Like, I’d go several months between each time and ugh it looked so awful because the roots would be so overgrown. I just struggled with the energy and motivation to keep up with it regularly. It always feels so much better getting it done and I know that, it’s just getting myself to do it. There were a few times where health stuff got in the way as well and kept me from keeping up with it, but a lot of it is just me. Then of course this year we have the pandemic going on, so the last time I got it done was back in February before everything happened. I hate how my hair looks now since it’s extremely overdue for a color and trim. Sigh. My hair is a mess. I also struggle with the energy and motivation to do anything with it, so it’s always just up in a bun or pony tail. I have long hair that I could style and try different things with, but nope. There’s a big part of me that wants to just chop it short and not have to deal with it and get some nice looking wigs or something, but it took me so long to get it this long and ugh. A small part of me thinks maybe one day I’ll get myself together again and have the energy and motivation I severely lack, but the years keep passing... I just don’t know, man. Basically, my relationship with my hair s u c k s. 

2. How do you practice truly living in the moment? That’s something I really struggle with. I’m stuck in the past and on other things. I feel like I go through life on autopilot like a robot. 

3. Do you think most abusers know they're being abusive? Yes.

4. How do you feel about your SO daily/regularly checking up on a couple of his exes on social media? Uh, I’d definitely have a problem with that. Why are they so obsessed with checking up on their ex? They clearly aren’t over it if they’re doing that, so I’d be over the relationship and end it.

5. What perfume of yours does your SO love on you? I’m single and don’t have a like a signature perfume. I haven’t had any perfume actually for a few years now at least, just some body sprays here and there and I don’t even have that now.

6. Have you made any (at least semi-) permanent alterations to your appearance? If so, how did you find the experience and do you regret it? No. I bleach and dye my hair, which yes it does last in the sense it doesn’t rinse out after a few washes or something, but it can be undone. 

7. What are some ways you make yourself feel good before you start your day? I don’t do anything. Like I’ve said, I’ve severely lacked energy and motivation these past few years and I’ve seriously neglected myself. I’m going through life feeling and looking like shit.

8. Women with disabilities/anxiety/depression/other mental health issues/chronic illnesses, how do you get it across to your SO/friends that sometimes you just can't do something? It’s hard. I feel like people start to think you’re making it up or making excuses and they get tired of it after awhile. I’ve had people be like, “ugh omg you’re always sick” like it’s this huge inconvenience for them. Some get upset and annoyed. I get it, though. It’s difficult to understand unless you’re going through it. 

9. Do you prefer your guy to wear cologne or not? I do love a nice cologne. 

10. Ladies, how important is it to you that your SO wears/would wear a wedding ring? I don’t plan on getting married.

11. What was the turning point that led you to decide for or against having children? I just don’t have that maternal need or want or whatever it is that people feel when they want children. 

12. How do you feel about men who preface statements on non-gendered things with "as a guy"? Uhh. I don’t care.

13. Does anyone else just HAVE to wear pajamas/lounge clothes when you're at home? I wear comfy/lounge clothes all the time. I live in leggings and oversized tees.

14. Ladies, what's the silliest thing you do with your SO? I’m singleeee.

15. Is having your "dream" wedding really that important to have? I don’t plan on getting married, remember?

16. What would your reaction be if your SO wanted the opposite type of wedding than you did?

17. What kind if body type do you find attractive and unattractive (for your preferred sex)? I’m much more concerned with who the guy is as a person and their personality. 

18. How do you feel about strangers approaching you with compliments? It doesn’t happen much, but if it does I’m just really shy and awkward. 

19. Do you consider it cheating if your SO goes to a Strip Club and then doesn't tell you? I wouldn’t say that, but it would bother me that they didn’t tell me. I mean, did they not tell me because something happened or because they went to see someone specific or...? I’d like if they just told me about it, why hide it?

20. Would you be more offended if your man cheated on you with a guy or a girl? I’d be hurt and upset if they cheated on me--period.